Tysto commentaries: Recent Episodes
Tysto.com
TweetI’m shutting down this site. In the immediate future, you can find my material at Zarban.wordpress.com. Eventually, that will redirect to Zarban.com. The new site will continue to feature gaming and movie content, but I am not planning on carrying on movie commentaries or making the back catalog available on the new site.
TweetOn the Dungeons & Dragons OSR (old-school renaissance) subreddit, someone asked for everyone’s house rules, so I wrote up mine for 2e. The idea (mine, not the original poster’s) was to fix the game by filling in holes, modernizing certain aspects, and generally making it faster and more fun in as short a space as … Continue reading Fixing D&D 2nd Edition →
TweetA fun way to make player characters might be for each player to first generate their character’s parents as NPCs, and then the character inherits their abilities from them. Use one of the less generous methods to create your character’s parents. Instead of rolling 4d6 and dropping the low die for every ability–or whatever other … Continue reading Creating a Character the Old-fashioned Way: Procreation →
TweetIt never ceases to amaze me how many D&D games ostensibly set in the Middle Ages are really set in the American Wild West. Most people don’t have a good grasp on medieval culture beyond knights and castles, so they imagine it was pretty much like the oldest thing they do know about: movies set … Continue reading Stop Playing D&D in the Wild West →
TweetThe old-school Dungeons & Dragons game of my youth was practically a survivalist game. It was deeply interested in how many torches, days’ rations, and such you were carrying. Today, not much thought is given to the bookkeeping aspects of the game–except among those who play in OSR (old-school revival) D&D clones. Even in those, … Continue reading Consumable Supplies–Including Potions →
TweetSomething I’ve long pondered about D&D is how there are certain things that you cannot create with magic. The need for this is, of course, to stop player characters from creating gold pieces, spending them, and walking away before they vanish. But there ought to be more than the practical constraint surrounding this idea. Hence, … Continue reading Sovereign Materials →
TweetD&D has a mechanic called inspiration, which is a single point that can be used by the players to gain advantage on a given die roll. That mechanic is so weak that many tables ignore it. The Conan 2d20 system has an interesting mechanic called momentum and doom, which are points you can use to … Continue reading Luck & Danger in D&D →
TweetSomething I never cared for in Dungeons & Dragons was the way initiative seemed designed to slow down combat for no good reason. The idea is that every combatant (or at least every player character), rolls to see where in the order of combat his or her action comes each round of combat. In the … Continue reading Rethinking Initiative for Faster Combat →
TweetWeather is given short shrift in the D&D Dungeon Master’s Guide as well as the Pathfinder core rule book. But weather can be a great addition to a wilderness adventure and great flavor in any adventure with some travel. Here’s a simple system that isn’t pointlessly random. Roll a 1d10 to determine the starting weather … Continue reading A Simple Weather System for Dungeons & Dragons →
TweetIn my continued nostalgic foray in Dungeons & Dragons and other fantasy RPG gaming, I have visited the idea of weapons and their differences. This is something that D&D’s creators and designers have always struggled with. Why choose a mace over a longsword? And what do all those different polearms do? Gary Gygax seemed obsessed … Continue reading Weapon Effects for Dungeons & Dragons →
TweetI continue to read up on Dungeons & Dragons and watch D&D videos. I’ve been reading both the 4th Edition (which I never played) and 2nd Edition (which I played extensively) books, and I marvel at the fact that Wizards of the Coast has never solved the falling damage problem. When D&D was first created, … Continue reading Falling Damage, Zero Hit Points, & Resting →
TweetOne aspect of Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition that I like is the idea of wild magic areas. However, I don’t like wild magic effects tables that focus on effects that only last a few combat rounds, and I really don’t like ones that have a lot of positive effects, especially healing, which is part … Continue reading Wild Magic Effects Tables →
TweetContinuing to ponder and play around with games, I came up with a race game inspired by the royal game of Ur, an ancient game that has recently been rediscovered by historians. In defile, two players try to be the first to move their pieces up a mountainside and thru a defile (a narrow pass) … Continue reading Defile, the Mountain Pass Race →
A battle of wits is a great idea that can be useful for resolving a negotiation with a nobleman or foreign emissary, a civil or criminal trial, a treaty of war, a surrender or ransom, a trade dispute, a negotiation with pirates, a romantic entanglement, or even a musical contest between bards. So I wanted one of my own.
TweetAnother game I have come up with is a simple dice game called shambles. In shambles, two players try to best one another’s rolls for points. On each play, both players roll 1d6. The player with the higher roll gets a point. If the rolls are equal, both get a point. When one of the … Continue reading Shambles: A Game for Opposed Checks →
TweetCheck out this episode of So, What’s the Problem? in which I join Jimmy Brown to discuss the problems in Flash Gordon. So, What’s the Problem? podcast I can hear you now: “Are there any problems in Flash Gordon?” The answer may surprise you! (No.)
TweetA paleobotanist, a paleontologist, and a couple of kids try to survive a night in a dinosaur park with the security out. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act structure? I explain it here. Note: I break the story down into … Continue reading Jurassic Park breakdown →
TweetA thief meets a captive girl in a tower and agrees to show her the world, but they are betrayed. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act structure? I explain it here. Note: I break the story down into five-minute blocks to make it easier to see the length of each … Continue reading Tangled breakdown →
TweetA swordsmith and a friendly pirate chase a pirate ship to rescue a pretty girl and get more than they bargained for when they learn the pirates are cursed. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act structure? I explain it here. … Continue reading Pirates of the Caribbean 1: Curse of the Black Pearl breakdown →
TweetMysteriously gone for five years, Superman returns to Metropolis to find Lois has a son with another man and Lex Luthor has another catastrophic real estate scheme. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act structure? I explain it here. Note: I … Continue reading Superman Returns breakdown →
TweetI was recently inspired to create table-top role-playing game rules for carousing between adventures, which adds fun and realism for heroes returning from an adventure laden with treasure. The reward is luck, which allows you to reroll almost any die roll. The basic mechanic is simplified from the Medieval dice game “hazard”, which evolved into … Continue reading Carousing Rules for Dungeons & Dragons →
TweetIn a dystopian future, Deckard is a retired cop who finds and terminates runaway replicants, the android workers built to do work humans don’t want to do. He’s called back for one last quadruple execution. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is … Continue reading Blade Runner – The Final Cut breakdown →
TweetA construction worker dreams of a strange woman and discovers secrets in his own mind about possibly being a spy on Mars, where he finds the woman is a rebel fighting a man who may have been his old boss. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by … Continue reading Total Recall (1990) breakdown →
TweetAmerican football player Flash Gordon and travel agent Dale Arden are captured by Ming the Merciless, who decides to marry Dale. Flash escapes, gets captured again numerous times, makes friends, and crashes the wedding. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act … Continue reading Flash Gordon (1980) breakdown →
TweetA desert farm boy, an old hermit, and two space pilots get entangled in a princess’s rebellion against a galactic empire. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie, both the theatrical version and the special edition. I’m breaking down movies by their three-act structure. What is three-act structure? I explain it here. … Continue reading Star Wars 4: A New Hope breakdown →
TweetTeenager Marty McFly goes back in time and accidentally keeps his parents from making a love connection. With help from friend and time machine inventor Doc Brown, Marty has to get them to fall for each other before time itself “corrects” him out of existence. Many years ago, I did a commentary for this movie. … Continue reading Back to the Future (1985) breakdown →
TweetI’ve been studying three-act structure again and trying to get a better understanding of it as it is applied in actual stories. As a result, I’ve plotted out a number of films with the act structure called out. Before I start posting those, here is my understanding of three-act structure. Three-act structure is the method … Continue reading Three-Act Structure →
Tweet Join me and my long-lost guest and Bond aficionado Martin (AKA Faldor) as we look deep into Daniel Craig’s last outing as James Bond. We compare the film to other spy films, the Fleming books, Knives Out, the work of Vladimir Putin, and other Bond films, which I struggle to remember, especially SPECTRE, despite … Continue reading No Time to Die →
Tweet And we’re back! Barely ten months after our last commentary, Jimmy B and I dive right back in with another horror classic. This time, we examine the slasher flick that started it all (by ripping off Halloween). We get to the bottom of my distaste for horror movies (it’s really just a distaste for … Continue reading Friday the 13th (1980) →
Tweet Just in time to be a month late for Halloween, Jimmy B joins me to revisit the 1980s John Landis classic. It stars the Rick Baker & His Amazing Physical Effects, the Dr Pepper guy, and That Guy From The Madonna Movie Your Sister liked, plus Jenny Agutter. We compare this to An American … Continue reading An American Werewolf in London →
Tweet Join Drew and me for yet another rollicking adventure with all your favorite characters from all the Star Wars movies–because THEY ARE ALL HERE. How? Visions, dreams, memories, ancient magic, cloning, holograms, borrowed footage, deleted scenes, computer trickery, or some combination of the above. We praise… well… some things. C3P0 jokes? Daisy Ridley? I … Continue reading Star Wars 9: The Rise of Skywalker →
Tweet Join Jimmy B as he joins me to revisit one of the great family movies of all time. This has been a long time coming, because my original commentary was a complete mess of nonsense. We unabashedly adore it and praise nearly every aspect. This is one in my pantheon of nearly perfect movies. … Continue reading The Princess Bride →
TweetYes! Maybe! I don’t know! Jimmy made me do Gremlins! Honestly, I’ve had a hard time finding films I’m interested in talking about or even watching. I spent the year watching a lot of TV shows and not many movies. But mostly, I’ve been doing other nonsense like swing trading the stock market, which has … Continue reading Good Lord, have you started doing commentaries again?? →
Tweet Merry Christmas to all (again)! Happy holidays to those who don’t celebrate Christmas! Jimmy B is back to help me get off my duff and talk about another film. This time, it’s Joe Dante’s tale of Christmas cheer and mayhem (Well, Chris Columbus’s tale, really). We talk about the effects, the acting, the fake … Continue reading Gremlins (1984) →
Merry Christmas to all! Happy holidays to those who don't celebrate Christmas! A solemn welcome to those who don't care for Muppets! Jimmy B is back for a look at one of his--and now my--favorite Muppet films. My-cocaine is Scrooge and Kermit is Bob Cratchit. Statler and Waldorf are ghosts. And the songs are middling but listenable.
We compare this extensively to the original novella by Charles Damn Dickens Himself, as well as to other Muppet movies and probably Shakespeare and Steel Magnolias.
Join Mehul and me as we are joined by Drew to have a trio look at Solo: A Star Wars Story, in which Chewbacca the wookiee befriends a bedraggled Imperial army deserter and coaches him along life's rocky road, full of disappointments and betrayals.
We compare it to other Star Wars films, the books, the cartoons, the video games, Willow, Guardians of the Galaxy, Game of Thrones, Avatar, Thor: Ragnarok, The Hunger Games, Serenity, Grand Theft Auto, Marvel universe films, and The Other Side of the Wind. We decide that it is Good and Unnecessary and fail to make any Cheers or marijuana jokes despite the presence of Woody Harrelson.
TweetJust a little update and apology for not posting more commentaries. Bonus: I apologize over only the first half of 42 Shades of Gray‘s fun and clever “Point Break”. It’s a catchy song, and I’m happy to have chosen it and its podsafe freeness as my theme song for ten years… PS I just threw … Continue reading Tysto update →
Jimmy is back for the greatest episode (two, actually) of Drop the Pilot of all: Baffled!*, starring Leonard Nimoy as a racing driver who has visions of murder. (Don't they all, really? I mean, Jenson Button predicted 9/11.) Jimmy explains what's happening, because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. Even the things I thought I understood were wrong. I guess you could say I'm truly Confused! and Bewildered!
TweetDrop the Pilot is back again, this time with a good show! Jimmy doesn’t think so, but I think it had a lot of potential even if the episode was terrible. Bunco has Tom Selleck and Robert Urich, but it stars Donna Mills and a cast of amazing character actors from 1977 that will make … Continue reading Drop the Pilot! “Bunco” →
Join Mehul and me for a revisiting of the undaptation of Robert A Heinlein's Starship Troopers. We try to figure out which parts came from the book and which parts were original to the screenplay that had little to do with the book. We notice that it's kind of two movies in one and neither one is much of an actual story.
We compare it to other Paul Verhoeven movies, Aliens, Full Metal Jacket, Philip K Dick adaptations, the 19th century British Navy, World War 2 movies, World War 2 itself, and Melrose Place. We praise the effects and action (by which me mean a bit of the old ultraviolence). Mehul waxes poetical about the music. I wax poetical about Dina Meyer. (I'm still available, Dina!)
TweetJimmy B invites me back on Drop the Podcast to talk about the failed Hart Bochner/Jamie Lee Curtis trifle Callahan. Everything about it is pretty terrible, and Jimmy is in deep denial. Make no mistake tho: our stars are very, very pretty. link
Join me as I am joined by Olly to SLAM EVIL with the oddly still watchable comic book movie from 1990s. No, not The Rocketeer. No, not The Shadow. No, not Dick Tracy. Yes: The Phantom! We argue over the cowl and discuss other costume matters. We praise the cast and, especially, the amazing art direction and cinematography, and the seaplanes... but not necessarily the overall mise-en-scene. A certain actor comes in for criticism as well as some of the stunts.
We agree the film lacks a certain punch despite having many punches and that it could nevertheless have done with a sequel, but not with those box office numbers. We compare it to its contemporary comic book movies, the new crop of comic book movies, romantic comedies, James Bond movies, Indiana Jones movies, Frazier, Due South, and Monkey Island video games.
Join Drew and me for a rollicking adventure following all your favorite characters from The Force Awakens (except the one who died) where they... uh... try to escape the First Order and try to get Luke to return to civilization, and ride some llama-dogs at a racetrack, and some of them eventually meet for the first time... What is this movie about?
I guess we praise the acting and set design and dialog but sort of not? We compare it to Phantom Menace and Harry Potter.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him and Jimmy B to talk about The Long Kiss Goodnight. It's a Shane Black thriller about mommies and memories set at Christmas, so it's perfect for April of 2018, AKA the Year With No Spring.
Jimmy B is back, and this time we're having a look at the pilot for the 1974 action/mystery/comedy(?) Evel Knievel, named for the world's greatest motorcycle jump daredevil, Evel Knievel. He's played here by the fine and mustacheless Sam Elliot, and oh my god does he look like Scot Bakula. Wow. It's uncanny. Good theme song. Nothing else of substance.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him to talk about The Truman Show. We love the film and praise nearly every aspect of it. I regard it as a nearly perfect film and try to rewrite it as a comedy. We muse about the different levels of meaning, whether or not Truman is crazy (John: it's not paranoia if they're really out to get you; me: oh he's nuts) and why a TV studio with its own ocean doesn't have any working boats. We wax poetical about the art design, writing, and cast, if not the acting (me vs Laura Linney; John vs Jim Carey). It's a great film that speaks to us personally. After all: all the world's a stage and all the people merely players. You can tell people I said that. I don't think anyone has made that observation before. We hardly say word one about director Peter Weir, so here it is: he's great.
Jimmy B is back with more failed TV pilot goodness. In this episode, we look at the the Kelsey Grammar-produced sitcom Alligator Point, starring Nathan Fillion and Jaime Pressly. I love it, Jimmy hates it, and over the course of things we meet somewhere in the middle (we both hate it).
TweetMy good friend Jimmy B has started a new podcast recently in which he and guests, including yours truly, discuss failed TV pilots (or, as I believe they call them in Scotland, “telly puddings”). In this episode, we look at the the Tommy-Davidson-vehicle movie follow-up Coming to America.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him to talk about Groundhog Day. We praise the acting, the plotting, and the locations. We compare it to Edge of Tomorrow, Goethe's Faust, Scrooged, and falling in love. I explain my head canon that makes it all work for me. And we try to decide what would make it better in general.
Olly and I overcome communications issues, swap bodies, and have a look at the final episode of Star Trek! We discuss Shatner's acting, the challenge of doing a body swap episode, the likelihood of fooling the bridge officers, the fact that Spock never met a mutiny he didn't like, and much, much more.
Join Mehul and me as we again explore the vastness of space and decide whether or not getting mean texts constitutes "contact". We compare it to 2001, 2002, 2003, etc., Contact, Alien, The Abyss, Leviathan, Deepstar 6, submarine movies, Seaquest DSV, Star Trek's "The Tholian Web", and Rocky 5*.
We discuss and praise the cast, the miniatures, and cinematography. We mock the slow burn, the Russian tech, and the politics. We suss out the motivations of everyone except the monolith. We try to figure out how gravity works. And we try to decide if Roy Scheider is a love interest.
Faldor is back! We sit down for a look at Edgar Wright's new flick about the heartwarming romance between boy and his iPod and also a girl he kind of likes, but maybe not LIKE likes, 'cause he's not gonna get all mushy or anything. We compare it to other Edgar Wright films, crime pictures of the '60s and '70s, Reservoir Dogs, Ant-Man, Highlander, James Bond films, John Wick, Layer Cake, Highlander, Harry Potter, Where Eagles Dare, Captain America: Winter Soldier, Oedipus Rex, The Omen, and, of course, the first in the series: Baby's Day Out.
Martin (Faldor is just a code-name he tells everyone) recommends the Ford Ka as a getaway car. We recast Doc. We disbelieve that any adult was a toddler when iPods came out. We try to figure out the timeline of the third act. We try to figure out why Kevin Spacey bothers to pack up his tiny car collection. And we try to figure out why Bats has bats tattooed on his neck (theory: everyone likes bats).
Olly and I reestablish contact after slipping thru a rift in the fabric of space-time and a debilitating bout of space madness to talk about "The Tholian Web"! Oh those punctual Tholians cause no end of vexation while Spock tries to catch Kirk on the next swing around the ol' space carousel (or whatever. Honestly, i have no idea what's causing this). It's great fun seeing Spock in charge and endlessly put upon, and it makes wonderful use of the whole cast; even Nurse Chapel!
I suggest we could have a whole series of this stuff. Olly insults Chekov, as usual. I suggest the Tholians might be teenage girls in disguise. Olly defends the sparkly spacesuits. It's a haunted house! Kirk-light! It's Shakespearean!
Join Mehul and me as we explore the vastness of space and discover it full of character actors! We contemplate the nature of the universe, discuss alien life and intelligence, talk about the film's influence on our culture and movies, and generally have a very good time with this slow, contemplative, visual feast of a film.
Altho we discuss what we think could have made it better, and altho I don't say it, I consider this to be a nearly perfect film. But is it entertaining...? Eeeee, maybe not as much as it could be.
Tweet Olly is back, and this time we’re discussing the distressing idea of incompetent clowns taking charge of a country. Will they be able to make Fredonia great again? Will they Frexit? We compare it to other Marx Brothers movies—with and without Zeppo—commedia dell’arte, the Muppets, Bugs Bunny, MASH, Blazing Saddles, and Monty Python and … Continue reading Duck Soup (1933) →
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as I join him and together we wax poetical about George Romero and his zombie film, the one that all zombie films afterward use as a template.
We discuss the enduring format of the siege picture, the race and gender issues, the acting, the direction, the difference between zombies and ghouls (ghouls rule, zombies drool), and of course whether Harry & Helen are Homer & Marge Simpson or Thurston Howell III & Lovey (me: both; John: neither).
We compare it to all the other zombie movies, disaster movies, and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. We discuss the social commentary, the social impact, and social media. Bonus: I explain women's suffrage, altho frankly everyone should know about it already from the rockin'est School House Rock song of all time.
It's the 20th anniversary of James Cameron's tour de force romance-on-the-high-seas-gone-wrong Titanic, a film so big it made people briefly think James Cameron wasn't crazy (he is).
I'm joined by Mike from Commentary Track Stars and Great Shot Kid and Mehul from the Internet! They love this movie, which more than makes up for the fact I think it's flabby and stilted until shit gets real and a little movie star named Ice Berg shows up. We compare it to Cameron's other movies, other water and ship movies, other romances movies, Stanley Kubrick movies, and Back to the Future. We praise the acting, the set design, the concept of limitations, and heroes of the actual, for-real tragedy that Cameron tacked an Aladdin-style street-rat-and-the-princess romance onto. We complain about the acting, the early CGI, the ham-handed dialog, and the nudity (Mike & Mehul; not me, I assure you).
Watch along with Jimmy and me as we hark back to 1985 with our mullets and parachute pants and feast our eyes on Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime fighting bad guys and rescuing damsels and also being rescued by damsels.
We try to figure out who the real commando is. We count how many times "John Matrix" should have died (5). We laud the roles given to the female characters, even if they're ludicrous and superfluous. We wax poetic about '80s character actors and their credits. We applaud the ticking clock (a beeping watch) and the conspicuous lack of cell phones. And we duck and cover when all hell breaks loose at Harold Lloyd's Victor Maitland's Arius's house. (Beverly Hills Cop was not filmed at the Lloyd mansion, but Young Lady Chatterley II was, and I highly recommend it for the scenery.)
I identify all the cars. Jimmy becomes confused by a sex position he's never seen (he didn't see Young Lady Chatterley II). I reveal my secret weakness (low-oxygen environments). Jimmy casts Schwarzenegger and Stallone as Holmes and Watson (and immediately disavows it). I reveal why I washed out of commando school (poor sense of smell). Jimmy repeatedly points out who's not being nice (almost everyone). I insult the Scottish people by comparing them to the Amish (send your angry cards and letters to Tysto c/o Donald Trump, White House, America). And Jimmy insults the Scottish people by claiming Scotland has less history than the US (send your angry cards and letters to Jimmy B c/o Donald Trump, White House, America).
Any day aboard the Enterprise, another fake distress call. What are you gonna do? The money is running out, and sets are thin, but the crew makes the most of what they've got. Olly and I discuss the big ideas (not killing everyone and taking their stuff!), the futuristic fashions (backless coveralls! combovers!), and pacing and dialog ("What is this hu-man emotion called love?").
Oh! And cuboctahedrons galore! More cuboctahedrons than you can shake a stick at!
Would you like to buy a small, furry ball of purring love? Just 10 credits, my friend. Olly tries to sell me on this episode, and I'm as grumpy and possible drunk as Kirk is in it. He seems to view Spock as enough of a pet. McCoy can't figure out how to keep animals from procreating. No one recognizes Trelane. All this is Uhura's fault, but how can you blame her: it's the only shore leave she ever gets. Scotty and Checkov fight "Klinguns" in the longest nonsense sequence in the series. I'm bothered by Spock's extraneous math, and Olly explains bisexual reproduction math to me. We try to imagine Klingon button manufacturers and invent various theories about and uses for tribbles.
Episode 30: "Amok Time", in which Spock once again but most spectacularly comes under the influence of something (hormones) that causes him to show emotion! Olly and I delve into the logic, the character development, the world building (it's literally one building on another world, but hey), and so much more. Checkov! Checkov's wig! Chapel's burning lust for Spock! Spock's lava lamp! Vulcan's principle export (lava lamps)!
This has the beautiful Arlene Martel as T'pring, Celia Lovsky as T'Pau, and a guy as Stonn (okay, not a great character). Olly and I battle to the death over whether production order or broadcast order is most important. And I sing the fight music!
Tweet Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for Paul Verhoeven’s shoot-em-up classic (no not that one, and no not that one–okay he made a LOT of shoot-em-ups) RoboCop. This is the 1987 one, not the remake that is definitely terrible even tho we didn’t see it. It’s the heartwarming tale of … Continue reading RoboCop (1987) →
Join Olly and me as we look into episode 29: "The City on the Edge of Forever". We question the nature of the time portal—sorry: "Guardian of Forever" (nice guarding there, pal, by the way). We question why Kirk brings only part of the landing party thru the portal. We question the use of soft focus on Joan Collins. And we question the problem with a device that records video but can't play it back without being hooked up to a series of old radio tubes. Also, we forget to mentioned "Let's get the hell out of here" was the first time "hell" was used as a curse word on American TV.
Join Drew and me for a whirlwind tour of the galaxy, with a cast so vast includes several dead people. It's the heartwarming tale of a pair of ragamuffin lone wolves in a motley band of rogues within a ragtag group of rebels inside a struggling republic fighting a galactic empire with no apparent emperor that nevertheless somehow builds gigantic moon-sized space stations. And it's the tale of how they get a message from a guy who tells them all they have to do to destroy that space station is get the plans from the most secure military warehouse in the galaxy and exploit a flaw he designed deep inside the most dangerous weapon ever created. SIMPLE!
Join Olly and me as we look into episode 24: "This Side of Paradise" We compare it to past episodes we've done, other mutiny episodes, "Shore Leave", and Firefly. We fight like Kirk and Spock over Kirk and Spock and whether living on this planet would actually be fine (me: yes; Olly: you have no ambition). We imagine what hospitals would be like once the flowers are put into regular use giving people perfect health but no ambition. And we riff on wigs.
Join Olly and me as we look into episode 18: "Arena" We discuss the Gorn, the Gorn's gender, the Gorn's name, the Gorn's attractiveness, and the recipe for gun powder.
Join Olly and me as we look into episode 7: "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" (Spoiler: wires and circuits.) We discuss the classic cast, the fact that this is a bottle episode, the similarity to Doctor Who, the attractiveness of Sherry Jackson (and Ted Cassidy), and the possibility that Ruk started out as a robotic couch for an old lady.
TweetJoin me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for a dive into the second Avengers film. We compare it to other Marvel films, Frankenstein, and Barb Wire. We praise nearly every part of it but come out feeling like it largely missed the mark. We’re watching the Blu-ray. Cue up the first frame … Continue reading Avengers: Age of Ultron →
Join Olly and me one our mission to examine Star Trek (the original series) in ten installments (probably at least eleven now, actually). Our first installment is the original pilot starring Jeffrey Hunter, "The Cage", which was later used to cobble together a two-parter called "The Menagerie". It's a fascinating start.
TweetThis seems as good a time as any to remind newer visitors that I also run White House Museum, a comprehensive online tour of the White House. I’ve just updated it with photos new and old.
Join Drew and me and a silent Asian girl for a look into the darkest fantasies of computer nerds: talking to a pretty girl behind a glass wall. We examine the genre, theme, inspiration, and dance moves. We compare it to other Alex Garland films, other streaming films, porn, Greek tragedies, Star Trek, RoboCop, Jurassic Park, Battlestar Galactica, Frankenstein, Dracula, Pinocchio, and porn. And we do an unpaid advertisement for Amazon Video.
We imagine ourselves in the Caleb role, the Nathan role, the Ava role, and the helicopter pilot role. We have a lot of questions about Kyoko. I namecheck Nunavut and Yellowknife (I know Yellowknife is not in Nunavut). We speculate on where the movie is set, how the house is designed and supplied, and how many hookers are buried on the grounds. And we try to figure out who the villain is.
Olly is back, and this time we're scrutinizing the fine details of Adam West's Batman. We both love the film for what it is, and praise the cast, writing, and set design. We elaborate on the acting careers of the fine cast and crew. And we analyze its influence (I push the connections to Batman Returns, but perhaps too far).
We speculate on the manufacture of batsuits but discreetly do not mention that this batsuit, like Joel Schumacher's, has nipples (of the 100% natural variety). We note the notable lack of catness of Catwoman and analyze the rooming relationships between the villains. And we think about all the things we should not think about when it comes to dehydrating and rehydrating people.
TweetJoin me as I join Extended Edition podcast in discussing the heartbreaking story of a military officer rebelling against his mother government and the valiant military industrialist who tries to stop him. Also: a spider-boy and his AILF. On YouTube: Tysto and Extended Edition commentary for Captain America: Civil War
Pop in your copy of this all-American (and some British) classic while Jimmy and I gush over just about every aspect of it. We compare it to Citizen Kane and Fellini's 8 1/2 and Bicycle Thieves (not in so many words, but basically) and all other great films as well as several other things. It's a road movie, a coming-of-age movie, a hero's-journey movie, and a falling-in-love-with-a -pig movie. I forget to mention Italian commedia dell'arte, but it's that too. It's all things to all people.
We keep it clean and cordial. I do the world's greatest impression of Kermit the Frog. We evaluate Doc Hopper's business case. We reveal the shocking origin of Telly Monster. We have a falling out over mixing Sesame Street with Muppet Show characters and whether it's okay to fall in love with a chicken. But it's okay; we makes up over our shared hatred of Elmo. And we answer the musical question "why are there so many songs about rainbows?" (and you may not like the answer).
We're watching the Blu-ray and stay in sync. Start at on the countdown.
TweetAfter many complaints about broken downloads, I’ve finally fulfilled my promise to switch to another MP3 player/downloader plugin, Blubrry PowerPress. I thought it was going to be a hassle but turned out to consist of confirming some settings and disabling the old plugin, so now I feel like an ass for not doing it sooner. … Continue reading Switch to Blubrry PowerPress →
Join me along with Olly (last name uknown, possibly Fronkensteen) as we peer into the dark depths of taboo science and cinema with Mel Brooks' and Gene Wilder's wonderful Young Frankenstein.
We compare it to other Frankenstein movies, other Mel Brooks movies, other Gene Wilder movies, and Brief Encounter. Olly explains how Brooks and Wilder were both crazy in different ways. We insult Gene Wilder's hair. We discuss back-door pilots and how this movie should not be set in Transylvania and why a mad scientist would dress his monster in a suit.
We discuss the Dr Frankenstein/Frankenstein's Monster mixup and try to name the monster. We wish Gene Wilder had "gone the Bill Murray route". And I try to get Olly to say "Blucher".
Olly is back after a long absence to drink cocktails and discuss the intricacies of the Myrna Loy and William Powell classic The Thin Man. Olly compares it to the book and to the TV show.
We analyze the relationship between Nick and Nora and compare it to other movie and TV couples. We compare the plot to other films in the series and other films of other sorts and to Agatha Christie. I mistakenly say Alan Ladd's The Glass Key was first person point of view when it was Robert Montgomery's The Lady in the Lake. Olly confesses to only having seen one Kevin Bacon movie, which I like to imagine was White Water Summer but probably wasn't. So I explain Wild Things to him, which may make your head hurt.
We discuss Hitchcock's use of leading men and humor and how it compares. We discuss how Asta is virtually useless and how Nick is not really all that insightful of a detective. And we plan on remaking it in 3D. Also, I badmouth Alan Ladd repeatedly and explain how everyone in The Maltese Falcon was gay.
We're watching it at NTSC (American) speed. Start right after the Paramount logo on the countdown.
SMEAR YOUR FOREHEAD WITH GREASE! SPRAY YOUR FACE WITH CHROME! DRINK GUZZLEINE IN VALHALLA WITH DONALD TRUMP'S GRANDSON IMMORTAN JOE TRUMP! IT'S MAD MAX: FURY ROAD! WITH JIMMY B! AND ENGINE NOISES! AND ELECTRIC GUITAR! AND a Skype dropout at 1:17:05 but we fix it and everything and HEAD BACK TO GET US SOME WATER!
Tweet If EON can take another run at Blofeld, so can I! Join me as I join Extended Edition’s Martin and Owen for another perspective on SPECTRE.
Join me as I take on the worst terrorist organization in history, SPECTRE. I compare the film to other Daniel Craig Bonds, other Bonds of other sorts, other action movies, Inglourious Basterds, Jaws, and corporate projects I've worked on. I accuse it of being a really expensive fan film. And I mis-remember which Blofeld had the scar (Donald Pleasence, not Telly Savalas).
I praise the acting and the set pieces and the gun butler; I complain about the office and hotel scenes where nothing happens and the action scenes where stuff does happen; and I do the world's best imitation of Christoph Waltz. I fail to recognize clinic barman Victor Schefé, star of Bewegte Männer. I obsess over the secret room in the Hotel L'Americain and make up a whole back story about it. I put forth a seven point argument for Hinx being based on Jaws and not Red Grant (take that, Wikipedia!). I disbelieve Blofeld's whole operation. I apologize to international assassins (again). And I try to figure out how many helicopters Bond has stashed in his garage.
Bonus: Listen to the end for my pick for the next Bond!
TweetI put the latest commentary (The Force Awakens) out on YouTube as a way of generating a bit more exposure and seeing what happens. I’ll continue putting out new and old content there. I’ll try to dress up the Tysto YouTube channel with the usual banners and glitter and unicorn stickers.
After a long absence, and now much older and wiser, Drew returns to set us straight about Star Wars. And I wreck things and generally act childish.
We lament the familiarity of the plot and some character choices. We debate weather Daisy Ridley is actually Keira Knightly (me: yes; Drew: probably not), and whether the stormtroopers are "thick" and/or "phat".
We volley back and forth with our deep, deep knowledge of the Star Wars Extended Universe, most of which is made up. We ponder the reason why Kylo Ren is there, why Finn instantly goes from Conscientious Objector to Hollywood Hero, who is making robots that feel bad, and why any of this happens.
John Pavlich and I open up J J Abrams' mystery box and like what we see, if only because it reminds us so much of all the films we loved from our childhood. We heap praise all over the place, repeated forgive it its sins and excesses, and try to nitpick anachronisms.
We're watching the Blu-ray. Start right after the Paramount logo on the countdown.
TweetFor a remarkable second time, youngsters have found a hoard of treasure buried on the property of Todd and Amy Hundt. Long-time readers of this writer may remember the 2007 case of Jacob Bennitt and Alexandra Lohse unraveling the mystery of a buried treasure involving invisible ink and coded messages. Yesterday afternoon, cousins Keely Kovach … Continue reading Genius Kids Find Century-old Train Robbery Gold →
Join me in watching the fifth and by no means final episode in the Ethan Hunt saga, in which IMF—gasp!—gets shut down and Ethan—gulp!—goes rogue. Insiders turn out to be bad guys! Ethan works with a beautiful mystery woman he isn't sure he can trust! They steal something they don't understand and give it to the villain! I know this sounds like every other Mission: Impossible film! But this one is even better than most of the others!
I compare it to the other films, to James Bond (again [too much {again}]), to the TV show, to Hitchcock, to Faust, to Foul Play, and to Phantom Menace. I tiptoe around Cruise's real life, explain the geography of Europe and the design of my swimming pool, fail to remember Timothy Dalton's name (it's Living Daylights's cargo plane scene I was thinking of), do an impression of Luther that is half Ving Rhames and half Tracy Morgan, point out a couple of substantial logic gaps, and complain endlessly about how much I like the film.
TweetOkay, no more lies, no more hiding. I’m out on parole after The Incident** and tanned, rested, and ready to do some commentaries. Mission Impossible 5: Jeremy Renner Talks on Phones James Bond vs Guess What, There’s A Bad Guy on the Inside Again Super 8 Super 8 1/2 (Federico Fellini’s semi-biographical exploration of a … Continue reading More commentaries →
Jimmy and I take a rambling look at Marvel's Ant-Man (after a brief bit of confusion over which movie we're watching) and express our (reserved) love for it. We praise the look and art design, the actors, and the writing. And we discuss which aspects of the writing and directing don't work as well.
TweetI’m going to go on hiatus for a couple of months. Some life changes (possibly menopause) are sapping my time and attention. I hope to get back to doing commentaries in January, but until then I need to focus on real life. I appreciate the feedback I’ve gotten recently. It’s all been really positive. I … Continue reading Hiatus →
Tweet Join me as I join Mike from Commentary Track Stars to look at one of Alfred Hitchcock Presents’ Hitch-directed psycho-dramas. Download page
TweetJoin me as I join Mike of Commentary Track Stars to discuss the inaccuracies of THE WEST WING sets. Download page
TweetAccording to the PodPress statistics, my commentary with the Doctor from Speakeasy for Iron Man has been downloaded more than 33,000 times. That’s about 15x more than my next most popular commentary, The Phantom Menace (which is actually a remix of Red Letter Media’s work, so it isn’t really even mine). Maybe a celebrity tweeted … Continue reading Welcome, Iron Man fans, I guess (or bots?) →
Martin is back! (He has a codename: Faldor. Both of us do. It's cool. It's not weird.) We bust out of space prison and give Guardians of the Galaxy a good going over (which mainly consists of saying that it's fun and cool and the plot is kind of unnecessary). It's the heartwarming story of a boy who gets kidnapped and leads a life of crime and sexual depravity, with few friends and many enemies.
The film has too many villains and too many endings and some shaky acting but works anyway because of its excess of charm. We praise Marvel, Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper, Karen Gillen, the soundtrack, and—surprisingly—James Gunn.
We guess at what the soundtrack of the sequel will include. We compare it to The Avengers, Star Wars, Moonraker, Up, Reservoir Dogs, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods. For some reason, we discuss every Star Trek show and come to the conclusion that this is different. Also Firefly, because duh. We get into a fight over The Lost Boys, The Goonies, and—spoilers—The Cabin in the Woods.
Join Jimmy and me to have a lot of fun with the original The Omen. We compare it to the other films in the series, the remake, Jaws, and other Richard Donner films (hey, would Damien make a good Goonie? There's a question we didn't ask).
We praise the acting, wonder what God is up to these days, praise baboons for keeping us Antichrist-free for 2000 years, and eventually recast the film with Muppets.
John Pavlich is back for another horror-comedy romp, this time with Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward vs sand worms. We revel in the B-movie cheesiness that works better than most A movies. We compare it to the sequels, Jaws, Maximum Overdrive, and other slasher and siege films.
We speculate on the biology of the creatures and their closest living relatives. We analyze set-up and payoff. We mark the points of Val's character arcs (two of them!).
Join me as I am joined by Jim Brown (the regular one, not the one from the movie) as we pursue Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Conchita Alonso thru the quads in this 1980s heartwarming tale of 2010s' excess and televised mayhem. We compare it to other Arnie movies, The Hunger Games, and modern reality TV. I praise Richard Dawson up and down. And we try to figure out why Dweezil Zappa is in this movie.
We talk about the fact that it was a troubled production, the 80s-ness of the wardrobe and whatnot, and the creepiness of the lady who might harbor rape fantasies. I think we fail to credit Stephen King as the novelist (under the Richard Bachman name). And Jimmy calls me on a Fleetwood Mac reference.
Bonus: find out which stalker I'm making a cos-play costume of!
NOTE: Skype throws us off our game a bit, I'm afraid. The connection breaks down 5 times, but I double-checked the sync. I've artfully covered the gaps with Fleetwood Mac music. Just bear with us.
Just in time for the US Independence Day celebration, join Faldor (Martin from The Extended Edition) and me for a tour of the president's mansion in Washington, DC, with your tour guide, Roland Emmerich! We praise--and occasionally knock--the CGI. We compare it to Olympus Has Fallen, obviously, Die Hard, other Roland Emmerich films, and Step Up to the Streets (not really).
I talk a bit about the geography of the White House and the nature of the Secret Service. We discuss 10 Downing Street, Jamie Foxx, my other website WhiteHouseMuseum.org, how sprinkler systems work, and why the PEOC only has black-and-white TVs.
Join Jimmy and me as we take a hard look at '80s classic Highlander. It's a film we both once loved but which has, like Connor McCloud, hasn't changed at all while we've grown old and cynical. Jimmy loves his native Scotland, and we both respect and admire New York... within certain parameters.
We try to figure out the rules of the contest. We compare the film to other '80s films discuss other films by Russell Mulcahy and... earrings and stuff. We do drift a little in the middle when the film wanders a bit and discuss American and UK TV standards and practices in the '80s and now.
Join me and Rob Caravaggio as we scour the plains of Texas (or painted desert of Arizona, YMMV) for our kinfolk and become bitter, bitter men. We love the film and have a lot of fun talking about the text, the sub-text, and possibly some sub-sub-text. See the breathingest dead man on screen, the woodenest of wooden actors, and the most of whatever Mose is.
We don't care for the music much or for some inherent prejudices in a film that ostensibly tries to say racial prejudice is bad. We analyze the use of humor, montage, and studio work. We compare the film to other Wayne-Ford films, Star Wars, Star Trek, and Adam Sandler's failed Western.
TweetMy thoughts and sympathies go out to John Pavlich in a time of hardship on the loss of his mother. His Sofa Dogs podcast is one of the first commentary sites on the Web. We bonded over Firefly and Community and a lot of crazy movies, and he’s always a bright spot in my movie … Continue reading Show some love to John Pavlich →
Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B for a tender tale of romance about a fashion model and a lonely pizza-loving man named Marion. We compare it to other Stallone films, other '80s action we've done commentaries for, and Hong Kong Phooey. Actually the Hong Kong Phooey stuff might be slightly off-topic, along with our attempt to answer the age-old question: what is brown sauce?
We don't like the film and mock it as it deserves and yet confess a deep affection for it in that it transcends the Steven Seagal/JCVD stuff that came after it and seem modeled on it. Get your axes and motorcycle and join our cult!
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to get inside your head and figure out your weaknesses and use them against you. We analyze the unusual structure of the movie, play with different ways of looking at it, and try to figure out who the real villain is. (Chilton. It's Chilton.)
We compare the film to other Hannibal Lector movies, Hitchcock and De Palma films, The X-Files, other horror movies and psychological thrillers, and YouTube videos. I complain about some fundamental aspects of the film despite loving it and do an impression of Lector and screaming lambs. John indulges me patiently and explains the parts I don't understand.
Join me as I'm again joined by Jimmy B, this time for what is probably Eddie Murphy's greatest film, and one that I regard as nearly perfect. We compare it to 48 Hrs, Cobra, and Midnight Run. We discuss Eddie Murphy's career at some length. We impugn the LAPD. And we more-or-less fix Hollywood.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to have a look at Quentin Tarantino's other finest masterpiece. We discuss the indie film cred, the music, the dialog, the performances, and the inspirations.
We have a terrific time with it, and praise it thoroly--especially the cinematography--but find fun things to gently nitpick. We debate Mr. Pink (not really) and the timeline (not really). We compare it to Tarantino's other films, Unknown (2006), The Killing, Kansas City Confidential, and Hamlet.
Join me and Jimmy B and my head cold as we enjoy a nostalgic romp thru our childhoods in an unknown city that is definitely not necessarily Los Angeles. We discuss the whole series (not that we'll ever do commentaries for any of the others) and related properties (altho we forget about the toy set!) as well as the theme of diversity. We marvel at some of the stunts, try to decide which bits to cut, and praise Harris as a cop.
We compare the film to Stripes, Animal House, The Bad News Bears, Airplane, and Benny Hill and the Carry On films. We fret a little over the Blue Oyster Bar, altho forget that Steve Gutenberg didn't need cred with the gay community after having starred in Can't Stop the Music with the Village People.
Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we watch the fourth and possibly best or most entertaining Mission: Impossible movie. We compare it to James Bond and Bourne movies, Indiana Jones, the other MI movies, the trailer, NSync videos, and life itself. We discuss the cinematography a lot and marvel at the stunts and lack of theme or motivational complication. We criticize the timetable and the familiarity of some plot elements and how the comedy ramps up when stakes are raised instead of vice versa, but we nevertheless like it a lot.
ATTENTION: We are now in the market for a programmer to make a facial recognition app to identify assassins for us.
Join me and Drew of Trek.fm as we relive the same day over and over with Tom Cruise in this heartwarming remake of Groundhog Day. We compare it to The Americanization of Emily, Looper, District 9, Gamer, an actual video game, real life, zombie movies, and other Tom Cruise films.
We marvel at the technology both in universe and used to make the film, Tom Cruise's weird flat streak of perfectly good movies, Emily Blunt's yoga/hip-hop exercises, and the idea of mixing US and UK troops in the same unit. We like the movie and eventually figure out what's happening and have a great deal of fun taking it on its own terms and trying to come up with better titles.
Join me and Jimmy B as we look deep into the untold horror and ultraviolence of Predator 2 and like it quite a bit. We discuss the film in context with the first film and the other Predator franchise films. We compare it to RoboCop, Lethal Weapon, Weekend At Bernie's 2, and Toy F—ing Story 3. We indulge in a little social commentary prompted by the events on screen that perhaps strike a little close to home. And we generally have a good time trying to decide if Danny Glover is the right man to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger. (It goes without saying that Maria Conchita Alonso is the right man to replace Jesse Ventura.)
We fail to mention that someone thought Shane Black's bad jokes were so fundamental to the success of the first film that Bill Paxton had to be brought in to provide more of them. And WHAT IS UP WITH THE CARS IN THIS MOVIE???
Join Faldor (Martin from Extended Edition podcast) as he joins me again for another go at the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise! It's the heartwarming tale of a band of plucky pirates, most of whom were dead at least once before, who rescue their friend from death and but can't save certain other people for some reason. A bunch of other stuff happens that is hard to remember or explain, most of which is people betraying each other, and Keira Knightly has several costume changes, and Pintel and Ragetti seriously get on my nerves.
We examine the tone and motivations, try to figure out who the main character is, analyze the story as a long-form romance, and try to decide what to cut out. We discuss Johnny Depp's portrayal and Keith Richards' cameo. We wander off on a couple of tangents about Lord Nelson, the Patrick O'Brien novels, Treasure Island, and British television actors' pay.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to have a look at Quentin Tarantino's finest masterpiece. We discuss the narrative structure, the characters, the themes and motifs, and the feet.
We compare the film to Tarantino's other films, the films and books he pays homage to, and Robert Rodriguez's films. We try to figure out which sequence is the weakest and why some scenes are even in the movie. I think I spot Teague Chrystie's apartment. And we copyright a Beverly Hills horror movie idea.
Join me and the crew of Film Bin for one of the greatest westerns ever made. It's a fun, funny, sometimes-poignant shoot-'em-up from 1960 with an all-star cast (well, nearly), and a top-notch pedigree.
We compare the film to the sequels, The Seven Samurai, Ocean's Eleven, The Three Amigos, A Bug's Life, Westworld, Return of the Jedi, Home Alone, and Postman Pat. We recast it for no reason and also try to reset it in Britain. We poke it for flaws and find almost none. (Why give them back their guns, tho, seriously?) And we invent a couple of back stories and sequels (and copyright them!) involving werewolf hunting and hangovers.
Join me and Jimmy B as we examine the genius that is Predator (1987) [there's a remake coming]. We discuss each of the principle actors and their careers and political aspirations, who could have been in the film, and how awesome the film is. We both love it and marvel at its solid construction and timeless story of mercenaries being hunted in a jungle by a Rastafarian fish-man. We play around with recasting the film in a later era and discuss the sequels.
It's the heartwarming story of a Welsh commando and his intrepid American sidekick, their girlfriends, and a great deal of dynamite cutting a swath of destruction across the German mountainside and a trail of dead bodies a couple of miles long. Richard Burton shuffles off his Shakespearean coil and dons an SS officer's uniform to wax poetical about how much he loves Hitler or maybe not or maybe, it's very confusing. I think at one point he is acting as a quadruple agent.
The plot is nevertheless watertight; the acting is terrific; the directing workmanlike; and the stunt work spectacular. It's one of the greatest WW2 adventures committed to film and my teenage memory, keeps up a breakneck pace (sometimes literally), and it's so long you can take a nap at a couple of points and not miss any of the ridiculously complicated plot.
I wax poetical about the guns, cars, and aircraft, explain who is who, determine if the film passes the Bechdel Test, and generally have a good time, altho I mix up the aerial tramway with an inclined railway and sing a bit of "Funiculi Funicula", and I may have suggested that Alec Guinness starred in Hitchcok's Secret Agent when it was in fact John Gielgud. I compare it to Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Inception, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, other WW2 movies, Hammer horror, James Bond, Top Secret, buddy cop movies, and The Thing.
Join me as I delve into JJ Abrams' take on the Mission: Impossible series and examine how he makes it his own (by kind of turning it into Alias). I can't remember "the Welshman" from the second movie ("You know! Hannibal Lector!"), and I stumble between character names and actor names. I complain that it's all a little too familiar (like first-movie familiar and sometimes James-Bond familiar), but I give credit where credit is due to Cruise, Abrams, the DP, and the rest of IMF.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs once again, this time for a look at Fede Alvarez's remake of Sam Raimi's silly-fun 1981 horror flick The Evil Dead. This one is serious, flatter, and way better made (altho I still prefer the original). Thrill to the blood and mud! Squeal at the shout-outs to the original! Listen as I fail to fully interpret the film makers' intent! (In my defense, it's not on screen.)
Join me for a stroll thru the hallowed halls of American history and pseudo-history with Nicolas Cage and friends. I compare the film to its sequel, Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Goonies, and the 1960s Batman TV show. I enjoy the real/realistic history, blame the Gates family for the loss of the treasure in the first place, and rewrite the film to be about something else.
TweetAs you may already know if you frequent Zarban.com or FriendsInYourHead.com, Mike Scott was in a very serious accident in which he was hit by a car while walking on the sidewalk. In the past week, he’s undergone multiple surgeries for brain, leg, and pelvis injuries and remains under heavy sedation. But the prognosis is … Continue reading Michael “Dorkman” Scott →
Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy as we try to make sense of the latest Super-debacle. Hardy likes it more than I do, but we both have decent fun with it. We analyze the odd structure and tone and character motivations. We wonder if it would work better if it weren't about Superman at all. And we wonder if there's anywhere to go after the world was nearly destroyed by a ~~terraforming~~ kryptonforming machine.
We compare the film to other Superman movies, Star Trek (2009), X-Men, other superhero movies, Prometheus, and pretty much anything else that crosses our minds.
Join me and Drew of Trek FM as we experiment on our own brains with the help of James Franco and a ton of CGI until we see apes everywhere. We analyze the structure of the film and compare it to the old Apes movies, the sequel, and "Flowers for Algernon", Deep Blue Sea, and Dragonball Z. And we wonder who the hell "Rupert Wyatt" is.
We puzzle over some minor plot holes, try to "fix" the film, and create our own sequels and crossovers. I question James Franco's salary and taste in vehicles; Drew compares James Franco to C-3P0; and we both try to figure out who the villain is.
Join me as I join the Doctor and Lynch of The Speakeasy as we have a good time with Christopher Nolan's dour superhero and superior villain. We like the film a lot but feel that the sheen has somewhat worn off and the story is revealed as threadbare now. We give praise where praise is due, and joke our way thru the slow sections and weird choices.
Join me and the crew of Film Bin for a look at Blake Edwards' 1965 ensemble comedy about a motor race from New York to Paris. It's the heartwarming and rib-tickling romantic adventure starring Tony Curtis, Natalie Wood, and Jack Lemmon. It's big, it's kind of corny, and it's so long it has another movie inside it.
We analyze the ensemble comedy phenomenon, try to figure out Tony Curtis, try to determine the nature of the relationship between Max and Professor Fate, and try to keep up the pace during a 30-minute saloon brawl. I try to rewrite the film to include more of the prince, we compare the food fight to other cinematic food fights, and we try to figure out what that thing is that Natalie Wood is wearing.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we delve into the historical drama of the youth, life, and presidency of Abraham Lincoln. We examine the issues of the day and the difficult moral decisions that Lincoln faced, such as the "peculiar institution" of slavery and when to try to kill the vampire who murdered his mother. We compare the film to superhero movies, the mockbuster Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, and more. John likes the film but my initial enthusiasm has gradually waned, altho I still like the acting and most of the action.
Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we delve into the mysteries that are John Woo, Robert Towne, Notorious, and Tom Cruise's psyche in this, the second of the Mission: Impossible series. We discuss the structure of the film, its suspicious similarity to the Hitchcock classic, and its differences from the other Mission: Impossible movies.
We compare it to the Bond films, other John Woo films, and other action movies of its time. We speculate on Dougray Scott as Wolverine, what the series would have been like with more Anthony Hopkins, and Tom Cruise's personal knowledge of how heavy $63 million dollars is.
TweetIt almost came and went without my noticing, but this site has now been going for more than 10 years now, and I’ve done 200 commentaries. I first started the site in early 2004 as a place to hold my movie reviews and travel photos and my opinions on culture and government, but by late … Continue reading 10 years and 200 commentaries →
TweetI don’t know what caused my template to get messed up, but I’ve decided that after 10 years, it’s time to freshen the look. So I’m going to look for a new template that looks good and I can adapt to accommodate the PodPress plugin and commentary list. Look for it soon! Tell me what … Continue reading New look →
Join me as I explore the first of Tom Cruise's action movie tours de force, adapted from the nearly actionless TV series of the same name. Impossible, you say? Oh quite possible indeed if you throw out everything the TV show did.
I examine the differences between the movie's treatment of IFM and the 1960s TV show. I consider Tom Cruise as a thinking-man's action movie star, Brian De Palma as a director, Jon Voight as an IMF lead, and the locations as locations. I compare it to Rafifi, Topkapi, Die Hard and Knight and Day. I consider the idea of taking the TV show's premise and complicating it until it becomes ridiculous. I pull apart story elements like the insider-gone-bad and the nonsensical parts of the plot like the use of bible verses.
TweetThe site is not displaying correctly for some reason in some browsers. I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong. Just reuploading the template didn’t work.
Join me and Rob Caravaggio of Rob Caravaggio Commentaries as we tackle one of the great films of the western genre and indeed of all time. We compare the stories of each of the three characters and the careers of the men who play them. We admit that the film is a bit long and try to decide what to cut. We contemplate westerns, Eli Wallach, circles, stray dogs, cripples, the film industry in the mid-1960s, war films, and actual wars. And we try to figure out what "good" really means in this context.
We compare the film to the previous two films in the trilogy, Tarantino's work, Kurosawa's work, and film noir. We recast the film with other 1960s actors. We praise the music and titles, the cinematography, the set design--pretty much everything. I call the film nearly perfect. Rob gives away the magic of podcasting (we sometimes have discussions off-mike). Bonus: I get the obsessive-compulsive gun stuff out of the way early.
Join me for a sight-unseen examination of The Asylum's heartwarming tale of research scientists in Antarctica falling in and out of love and encountering (I don't want to spoil it for you) certain challenges. I complain about the dialog and lack of active protagonists, and I root for Hitler OR DO I?
I compare the film to Futurama and, uh, films and examine the artistic choice of slow-motion. I question the science a time or two, and the choice of lenses used on Dominique Swain. I do not question the lenses used on Jake Busey. Use any lens you want; the man can't be photographed badly.
Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy for my FIRST Stanley Kubrick commentary! It's the heartwarming story of a nation whose rogue member starts World War 3 and the brave men (and only men) who make a vague and ineffectual effort to stop it. We compare it to Fail-Safe, which came out the same year, as well as Kubrick's other films and Mars Attacks.
We discuss the careers of Kubrick, Sellers, and Keenan Wynn. We analyze the brilliant screenplay, the analogy to Cold War tensions, and the films possible affect on the audience, including America's leaders. And we try to recast it with Mike Meyers, Sam Rockwell, Josh Brolin, and James Earl Jones (in the Ripper role this time).
Join me as I'm joined for the first time by Jimmy B from the Friends in Your Head forum and Extended Edition podcast for a look at Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell's big team-up. We compare it to Lethal Weapon, Police Story, Die Hard, other buddy-cop comedies of the time, and James Bond movies.
We also marvel at their hair and suits, and at a still-humble Teri Hatcher. We stand in awe that the film ever saw the light of day because, at some point, everybody but Stallone got replaced at least once.
Join me as I join the entire Film Bin crew to have a look at the wonderfully campy and adventurous Flash Gordon. It's the heartwarming tale of boy meets girl, boy and girl are kidnapped by a scientist and forced to travel to space, where they are kidnapped by a dictator, girl loses boy, boy is kidnapped by another girl, then imprisoned by her boyfriend... Long story short, boy gets girl and only has 14 hours to save the earth.
We compare it to Star Wars, Superman, Indiana Jones movies, Highlander, the original film serial, Barbarella, Doctor Who, The Wizard of Oz, and Buckaroo Banzai. We analyze the physics of Mongo, the force of nature that is Brian Blessed, and the possibility that Klytus designs all the costumes on Mongo. We fix Hollywood action movies and align the DC universe and Star Wars universe with this one.
Join me as I join the Doctor and Lynch for a second go at the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen. We compare the film to the comic books, other Nolan Batmen, Burton/Schumaker Batmen, and The Shadow. We examine the logic of the villains' plans and Batman's response. And we recast Morgan Freeman as a bad guy.
Join me and my special guest John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and Michael "Dorkman" Scott of What Are You Doing, Movie? as we take Alex Proyas' heartwarming tale of space vampires and terrible detectives to pieces retune it. All three of us basically love the film and gush all over the cinematography, writing, structure, and set design and try to figure out which parts are sub-awesome and how things could be slightly better.
We lament the reception the film got initially, disagree over the degree of familiarity of the characters and tropes, and come to blows over Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows. (NON-PERIOD!)
Join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy as we shoot machines at the impregnable flesh of Bryan Singer's Superman Returns. We complain about the, ahem, "familiarity" of many of the set pieces and dialog; about the things that are new and different; about the incredible coincidences, and that a lot of the minor characters have nothing to do. I complain about the physics of Superman flying and lifting a continent. Hardy complains about James Marsden being a wet noodle. We both love a few things, including Kevin Spacey and some of the action. And we wonder exactly who knows what about you-know-who when.
We compare the film to Superman, Superman 2, Terminator 2, The Matrix, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and The Five-Year Engagement. We wonder if Superman really left Metropolis to avoid paternity charges or sex offender charges. And we try to rewrite the film and fail.
Join Drew of Trek.fm and me as we look into the dead eyes of the master killer of the seas and come out the other end changed men. Together, we try to figure out what genre the movie is (monster movie? horror? Hitchcockian thriller? western?), whether or not Quint is a sorcerer, and how many awesome suit jackets Mayor Vaughn owns.
We compare the film to other other shark/monster movies, Moby Dick, Die Hard, The Ghost & the Darkness, and Hot Fuzz. We contemplate it as a sequel to West Side Story, the characters as Harry Potter analogs, and animatronics as terrifying in themselves. And I learn an important lesson about comparing scars.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and Faldor of the Extended Edition podcast for a thoro drubbing of Ridley Scott's Prometheus. It's the heartwarming tale of an old man trying to recapture his youth and getting his head handed to him. But enough about Ridley Scott.
We examine the themes and complications, the plot twists that don't quite work, and the way the film repeatedly works against itself with their echoes of religion and the other Alien movies, as well as Stargate, Return of the Jedi, and Casablanca.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs for a long, hard look at Rian Johnson's wobbly time travel thriller. We both like it (he more than I) and both have problems with it (I more than he). We look at Confused Matthew's take on the film, and Rian Johnson's himself. John had a Twitter conversation with him that I gamely try to retroactively explain Johnson's side of. Regardless, it's a fascinating film or two films squooshed together, depending on your point of view and, possibly, your current location in the space-time continuum.
I'm back from the dead after several weeks of a bad chest cold. So join me and Hardy Lynch of The Speakeasy for a tear thru the 1978 blockbuster classic Superman (which we don't really like very much). Thrill to the Shakespearean blarney at the beginning (which we admire), the slow roll thru 1950s America (which we love), and the screwball romance of the 1970s (which we think is great), right to the big blockbuster finale (which we hate).
We discuss Star Trek, James Bond, Gene Hackman's career, Clark Kent's big dope angle, the likelihood of Superman's mom making pajamas for him, and the implausibility of most of the physics. We swoon over Lex Luthor's lair, the cinematography, and the acting pretty much across the board.
Bonus: we wonder why the whole third act happens. Double bonus: I only cough a few times toward the end.
Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we take a look at Paul WS Anderson's comic-booky mess of a monster-slasher film. We discuss the casting, the setting, what there is of a plot, and the missed opportunity of a romance.
Join Faldor and me for a rollicking--some would say vomit-inducing--roller coaster ride thru the mind of Gore Verbinski and friends as Jack Sparrow (and some other people) returns! Jack Sparrow (and some other people) fight the fearsome Davy Jones! (And we don't make a single Monkees joke, somehow.) And Jack Sparrow (and some other people) fight the terrifying Kraken! Also, a hell of a lot of deals are made that are almost all reneged on, and the end makes no sense!
We analyze the meandering plot structure, the overlong set pieces, and the muddy motivations. We posit some changes that might have helped clarify or at least short the mess. And we wax philosophical about which film is better: this one or the third one.
Join me for the heartwarming story of the Beaudelaire orphans, who lose their parents, family friends, and innocence in a series of deeply, deeply unfortunate events, all of which seem to be caused by one Count Olaf. Again and again, they fall into his clutches in one way or another in ways that are both darker and more comical than any competing juvenile fiction series, and all are mysteriously recorded by one Lemony Snicket.
I compare the film to the books, competing juvenile fiction series, the Lord of the Rings, other Jim Carrey movies, and a Smashing Pumpkins video. I look for motifs and theme (which are, to be sure, pretty obvious) and identify the cars. I love the film and lament the lack of a sequel.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the seventh episode of Community.
We discuss how this episode feels out of place, girl bonding, Greendale's weird football field, Jeff and Annie. And say goodbye to Troy's interest in sports.
TweetHey! Spread this around! It’s for a good cause! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DBYQUAMsBs
Join me for a rollicking pirate/ghost/zombie or whatever adventure as Disney has the bright idea to turn a mediocre amusement park ride into a gigantic movie franchise. This might be the film that kills Disney, since it kind of became their strategy to create tent-pole films out of existing properties with a big Johnny Depp-like (often Johnny Depp himself) star and forgot that you kind of need a good script to get the ball rolling.
I analyze the plot, the curse, and the characters. I point out where the flab is (it's kind of overlong) but mostly have a lot of fun with it. I compare it a bit to the other films in the series, to other pirate movies, to romantic comedies, and to Master and Commander.
Join me for a sight-unseen analysis of the 2012 version of Total Recall. I claim that I won't play spot-the-differences but I kind of do. I analyze the different styles, the subtle differences in plot, and the believability of Colin Farrell as a superspy-turned-freedom-fighter-turned-welder. And I examine the influence of Minority Report, Blade Runner, and the Chinese market.
I mix up the three gorgeous brunettes (I'm not always sure I can separate Colin Farrell from Kate Beckinsale). I might mistakenly call Jessica Biel "Jennifer Beals" at some point, I don't remember. I still mix up Michael Ironside and Michael Rooker.
Join Faldor of The Extended Edition podcast and me for a look at the Tom Clancy bromance that is Hunt for Red October. We praise the pace despite the fact that it's mostly people talking to each other. We discuss the way the opening hides Ramius' intentions. And we wonder whether or not the silent drive helps Ramius.
It's the heartwarming story of a streetwise con man and a upper crust commodities broker and the hooker he falls in love with and also his butler and their boss. Watch along as I explain how the story is set up very carefully to make us like the right people at the right time and turn things around in the right way when it's time. I love a tight screenplay and this is both tight and very funny.
I talk about similar stories, discuss the careers of the various players, including the wonderful Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy, and examine the verisimilitude of its depiction of the 1980s commodities market. I call it nearly perfect and point out ways that it could be slightly better.
Join me as I join Mike and Max for a close examination of Coen's foray into screwball comedy. Close doesn't mean accurate, of course, and we fact check each other thruout.
We discuss the Coen Brothers in general, the film's homage-heavy story, the choice of actors, the actors' choices, and the real history of the hula hoop. We consider the mish-mash of myth and fantasy, the stunning set design, how the stock market works, and basic physics.
Join me (or don't, if it's not in your self-interest) for a romp thru part one of Ayn Rand's garden of selfish delights. It's the heartwarming tale of two crazy corporate executives and their quest to figure out why the heck they can't get the steel and train engines they need and who this guy John Galt is. I explain who the heck Ayn Rand is and why she is so woefully wrong about economics, politics, and industry. And I compare the movie to 2-Headed Shark Attack and soap operas.
I generally praise the sets and effects and acting, unlike the communists who write most of the reviews, but I admit that it's about as dull as people talking can be when your villain is a wrongheaded economic policy. But I have fun with it and keep it light.
Faldor joins me again for the second of the Bourne movies (unless you count the TV movie with Richard Chamberlain, WHICH NO ONE DOES). Faldor claims that it's a bad movie. I claim that it's a good movie—specifically: Frankenstein. We compare it to the first film, Frankenstein, Bond films, Close Encounters, The Story of Anne Frank, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ronin, and—very slightly—the book it's supposedly based on.
We agree on almost all points and yet disagree on the overall quality of the film itself. We discuss various locations in Europe, and whether or not the plot is actually necessary to the story in this case. We rewrite the film to be more character-oriented. And we touch on how technology has advanced to the point that nearly all the "high tech" stuff could be done on an iPhone.
Join me for a gushing lovefest for Pixar's second feature film, A Bug's Life. I compare it to The Seven Samurai, The Magnificent Seven, The Three Amigos, The Wild One, and Disney and Warner Brothers cartoons. I praise the cinematography, story structure, cast, and anything else I can think of. And I call it nearly perfect several times.
I discuss the scale of the picture, how the story elements work together, the various arcs of different characters. I explore other possible avenues for telling the story. I condemn cats. And I nearly drown myself.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the sixth episode of Community.
We discuss how this episode feels out of place, girl bonding, Greendale's weird football field, Jeff and Annie. And say goodbye to Troy's interest in sports.
Join me for a lighthearted romp thru the annals of espionage and adventure with everyone's favorite international man of mystery, Austin Danger Powers. I analyze the film as a spy movie, a spoof, an homage, a pastiche, and a romantic comedy. I say I'm not going to play "spot the reference" but in fact I do. I forget to mention which actor who was one inspiration for the character of Austin Powers played his father in the third film (spoiler: Michael Caine).
I point out the arcs of Austin, Vanessa, and Dr. Evil. I admire Elizabeth Hurley a bit too much. I make a few too many complaints about the other films in the series. And I reference the director's commentary a little too much. A good time was had by all until it became known that George W Bush liked doing Dr. Evil impressions.
I've got all the files reuploaded and linked again now. And I've also got the site added back to iTunes. (So welcome, all you thousands of newcomers who will find me that way!)
And since John Pavlich posted Inception so quickly on his site, I moved it up ahead of Austin Powers.
Join John Pavlich and me as we delve into the innermost psyche of Christopher Nolan and pull out dead wives, survivor guilt, selfishness, and a creaky elevator. We analyze how many acts the film really has, the cinematography of the Avengers, and whether or not Hans Zimmer is the right man for to score the film.
We compare the film to other Nolan films, other Di Caprio films, Dreamscape, Ghostbusters, The Matrix, The Dirty Dozen, The Guns of Navarone, heist films, The Spanish Prisoner, Ocean's 11, Reservoir Dogs, and A Nightmare on Elm Street. We compare Christopher Nolan to Woody Allen, the Coen Brothers, Stanley Kubrick, and Michael Bay. I complain that Ellen Page doesn't have enough to do. I rewrite the film and give it to M Night Shyamalan to direct. John pitches an Ariadne-Arthur TV show and tries to cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the new Spider-Man.
Join me for a lovefest for Captain America: The First Avenger. I analyze the structure, give some background on my love for the comic books, and suggest a few minor changes. But mostly I praise the story, performances, and effects at every turn. It's not a perfect movie, but it's a solid one.
I compare it to the other Avengers films, Spider-Man, Indiana Jones, Fantastic Four, and Top Secret. I wish we saw a bit more leadership earlier on. I wonder what would happen if Steve still had asthma after taking the Super Soldier serum. And I point out that the Red Skull's flip-flap digital timers are more anachronistic than his closed-circuit television system.
Something went wrong with my file repository site and once GoDaddy got it up again, all the files were gone. I've reuploaded the last few, but I have a lot more work to do.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
Faldor returns to take the place of the Doctor from Speakeasy on a final(?) Star Trek commentary. We examine the film as a treatise on Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes (and international politics and racism, whatever) and speculate on Kim Catrall's allure.
We discuss some background on how the budget constrained Nick Meyer's production values and how he nevertheless prevailed mightily. We like this adventure a lot, roast turkey, purple blood, and all.
Faldor joins me for a full look at the first Jason Bourne movie, the heartwarming tale of an amnesiac assassin learning love (and kill) again. We like the film a lot, but we do feel it has its flaws. We compare it to the Bond films, the later Bourne films, Ronin, Hannah, The Italian Job (1969), and Frankenstein. We wonder if Brian Cox has a thing for amnesiac killing machines. We question Matt Damon's commitment to the assassin trade and what Julia Stiles is doing in this movie. I briefly accuse Dolph Lundgren of being German. Faldor briefly accuses Julia Stiles of not being a good actor. I claim that Clive Owen could play any role, including James Bond and Doctor Who (possibly at the same time).
Join me for the second of the Mad Max films: Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. It's the heartwarming tale of a group of car enthusiasts looking for love and juice* in the post-apocalypse.
I lament the '80s fashions, but I call the film "best of its kind" and "nearly perfect". I compare it to Mad Max, westerns, samurai pictures, Star Wars, war movies, Jesus, Moses, The Matrix, Die Hard, and—eventually—Citizen Kane. And I gush about the cinematography like I never have any other film.
Feed fixed!
Join Faldor and me for Ed Wood's 1959's Plan 9 From Outer Space, the heartbreaking tale of aliens who come to Earth to warn us of the dangers of science but who get their eyes blackened by ruffians just because they raised some corpses from the dead for some reason. What do you want? The other 8 plans failed even worse.
Faldor and I analyze the mise en scène, the cinéma vérité, and the pâté de foie gras. We explore Ed Wood's career, Bela Lugosi's career, and the career of some people I mix up with others and/or make up. We credit the film with inspiring countless other films and TV that ripped it off, such as Close Encounters, Star Trek, Babylon 5, and Independence Day. I accuse of the film of being accurate and well-acted; Faldor accuses it of being innocent. I call Ed Wood a war hero.
Join me for the first of the Mad Max films: Mad Max. It's the heartwarming story of a gang of motorcycle roustabouts who run afoul of the law in a vast and desolate near future where fuel is scarce and no one questions your sexuality.
I compare the film to Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior as well as to other fast car pictures, westerns, horror movies, and Mel Gibson's life. I heap praise on nearly every aspect of it to the point that you would think I would call it "nearly perfect" but I don't. I'm not sure why, because the last of the V8s is banging on all cylinders at all times.
Bond is back again already in his final turn for a while, with Daniel Craig renewing his contract (perhaps somewhat reluctantly) and seeming a bit weather-beaten. Faldor joins me again and we watch with enthusiasm as many of the tropes are trodden even while the series makes a careful return to form.
We delight in the reversals (Bond blows up his OWN LAIR this time! M is a Bond girl! [actually, that's kind of happened before]) and point out the soft spots (Silva is YET ANOTHER insider coming back to haunt M? Severine carries a gun and has bodyguards but they mainly just keep her from running away?).
Bond is back and with Daniel Craig returns for revenge (more or less... eventually). Faldor joins me again, and we watch a decent story driven drunkenly into desert and left for dead by Mark Forster. We don't hate the film, but it's so lifeless, humorless, and Bourne-like that there's just almost nothing to love.
I love the theme song; Faldor doesn't. We both love the action but wish it had more tying it together. I feel like the villain is basically Roman Polanski and suggest he needs a henchman like Oskar "Blade Runner" Pistoria (the footless Olympic runner and alleged murderer).
Join me for a sight unseen commentary for the prequel to my favorite horror movie, The Thing (1982). Since this is not that movie (I already did that with the Doctor from Speakeasy), you might imagine that I would be somewhat sour on this one. But you would be wrong! I give this movie every chance and only later sour on it and regret ever turning it on!
Seriously, tho, I wonder about the director, the writer, the story, the leads, key decisions about the art direction, why there weren't any corndogs at Craft Services... everything. But mostly I blame the director.
Bond is back, and Daniel Craig climbs into the saddle! Faldor from the Down in Front forum joins me again for this, one of the better films of the series. I complain that it doesn't feel very much like Bond, which is one of the things he likes about it. We examine the concept of "soft" reboot and whether M has changed or if it's just Bond.
I reflexively identify the cars, but it's not like there are any big chases. The action is mostly on foot and felt, as Bond leaps and bets his way thru what amounts to two films: an action film and a gambling thriller. We compare it to the book and a little bit to other Bond films more. We speculate on Bond's ability to reproduce and copyright an idea for an all-Bond-Junior movie starring several copies of Shia LaBeouf.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the fifth episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever.
We discuss Luis Guzman, Mark Hamill, going off campus, the theme of cheating, and Annie stuffing her bra.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we walk thru The Avengers (the loud American one, not the weird British one). We fail to remember what happened in Thor, discuss the structure and character motivations, and general enjoy it. John accuses me of being negative because I think the idea of an Iron Man suit that shoots out of a wall, chases down a falling Tony Stark, opens itself, and somehow puts itself on him while he's falling is a dumb idea. He also has to explain Loki's plot to me, but I remain dubious. (What is his plan for Hulk again?)
Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan takes his final bow. Faldor and I take it to pieces. We examine the unusualness of the opening prison sequence, parallels between Madonna and Margaret Thatcher, and if Bjork would have been better than either of them, the concept of a steroid overdose, and the complexity of the villain's plan. We lament the awful CGI, double agents within MI6, Michael Madsen, and the lack of penguins in the Arctic. We speculate about Bond's car being a hybrid so it can sneak up on people when invisible. And I do some near-perfect impressions of famous people.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the fourth episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever.
We discuss John Oliver, butt stuff, Jeff vs Vaughn, Eric Charles-Nielson, ultimate Frisbee, and Annie's sweaters.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for the third of Christopher Nolan's Batmen! We discuss Nolan's shift in approach, the uneven writing, and why we both respond very favorably to the film anyway. We discuss the Batvoice and whether or not the Batcowl squooshes his face and makes him talk that way. We debate Bane's nature (weightlifting painkiller addict?) and why we don't see his face since we saw Dent's charred face.
I contend that substantial parts of the story are unnecessary and that it doubles back on itself. John defends it. We compare it to the previous films, James Bond, Catwoman, and strong female characters. We discuss the wonky timeline, my preferred ending, and how great Joseph Gordon-Levitt is no matter what he is or isn't given to do.
Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is at the top of his game—or perhaps just past it. This is not one of my favorites, but I find that on revisiting it my opinion changes in what I think is a very interesting way.
Our villain is kind of mushy. Our Bond girls lovely if a little hard to believe. I don't have much trouble getting thru it even tho I find it quite flat, but you may find that I repeat myself too much and talk too much about the guns and whether or not Bond is sexist, misogynistic, or just a sex addict.
Join me as well as Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars as we watch another Hitchcock classic. Mike and I love it. Max doesn't like it much (Does Max like anything? Yes: Star Wars and Aliens.) We analyze the film in relation to other Hitchcock thrillers, James Bond, and romances. And we discuss Cary Grant's suit and Hitch's taste in blondes and ridiculous plots.
We examine the villains' plans and the good guys' plans. We ruminate on cold war methods of assassination (cropduster being most common, followed by knife throwing and poisoned suits). We discuss weird hotel services and whether or not Roger Ebert is wormhole alien. We take a close, hard look at the geography of Chicago, eastern Indiana, and Mount Rushmore. And we evaluate the likelihood of getting a drink on the Chicago Metra these days.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the third episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever.
We discuss Annie and Troy, casting younger, California pizza, and interwoven plots.
Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is on for a second go. This is one of my favorites, despite what anyone else might say. It does have its weaknesses, tho, and I explore both its strengths and failings right along. I love the action, the addition of Wai-Lin, the music, and more. I don't care for Elliott Carver's plan all that much.
Join me as I again join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the second episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever.
We discuss the general setup of the show and how the show differs from other sitcoms and why. We discuss Chang and his role in season 1 vs season 2.
Join me as I join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs to watch the pilot episode of Community, one of the best comedy television shows ever.
We discuss the general setup of the show and how the show differs from other sitcoms and why. We discuss how we came to it, and how the characters have changed over the subsequent seasons.
Join us! John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and I embark on a close examination of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's ingenious zombie comedy. We spot a few of the references, but mostly talk about the fantastic acting, directing, and intricate writing that make this in my opinion and I think in John's a nearly perfect movie.
We talk a little about other zombie movies and Edgar Wright movies and even other ensemble comedy movies along the way to enjoying the hell out of this flick. We're coming to get you, Barbara!
Join me for John Carpenter's polemic against commercialism and rich people and aliens and stuff. Roddy Piper is a drifter looking for work in an economy racked by... consumerism? Keith David is an angry man who absolutely does not want to put on sunglasses NO MATTER WHAT. Meg Foster is the woman whose eyes will FREAK YOU OUT.
I examine the rather heavy-handed themes (greed, for lack of a better word, is bad). I point out that John Carpenter might know more about horror than economics but isn't really showing off either one here. And I try to suggest that aliens, say, eating people might be more horrible than aliens selling us Lee Press-on Nails. But whatever, I like the movie a lot and rank it among my favorite Carpenter films.
Tweet Join me for the heart-warming tale of a scientist gone mad! A madman become invisible! An invisible man gone wild! It’s Claude Rains in James Whales’ 1933 classic The Invisible Man! I don’t really care for this picture beyond Rains’ performance and Gloria Stuart’s sweet, sweet 1930s damsel act, but I try to have … Continue reading The Invisible Man →
Join me and Mike of Commentary Track Stars as we take a dizzying look from the heights of one of, if not the, best of Hitchcock—best of anyone, according to some.
Ever the ardent partisan, I created some more Republican't bumper stickers. Display these proudly wherever you might encounter a Democrat.
And don't forget: vote early and often!
Bond is back, and Pierce Brosnan is the man. Join me and my guest Faldor as we work our way thru this very enjoyable entry. Unfortunately, Boris hacked into our computers and screwed everything up, so the second half is kind of weird, but still perfectly listenable*, I assure you.
We wax philosophical about Bonds, Bond girls, and tank chases, and generally have a good time watching one of our favorites.
- Me. I— I screwed everything up. Sooo many times....
The general election is coming to a head, so I thought it was time to show my support for the Republican't Party. I created these bumper stickers for you put proudly display your Republican't philosophies. Feel free to distribute these as you like.
Join the Doctor and me for a long, hard look (with EYES, get it?) at Minority Report, the heartwarming story of a man who tries really hard not to get caught for a murder he hasn't yet committed and then escapes when he IS caught and blah, blah, blah, it's really long and looks like a commercial for itself.
We both actually like the film but are turned off by different aspects of the film making and have a lot of fun puzzling out the twisty plot and mocking the ridiculous parts. Seriously: the eyeballs, am I right?
Join me on a fun-filled journey to the stars with Stacy, the Rebel Alliance pilot and eventual jedi, and a few of her closest frenemies as she skirts the edges of the greatest sci fi epic of them all. I watch all four parts currently available. I shill for Trey Stokes to get the final episode funded. I heap ridiculous amounts of praise on it from all angles. And I just generally gush about how funny and professional it is.
It's kind of embarrassing, really.
Go watch it now on PinkFive.com and contribute to the Kickstarter project!
Join me for a moody stroll thru 1930 Berlin on the trail of a child murderer in Fritz Lang's fascinating (but not necessarily masterful) first talkie. Peter Lorre is the main attraction, supported by a cast of colorful characters.
I examine the three basic ways to view the film (character piece, procedural, and parable on the dangers of vigilanteism). I examine where Lang may be fudging or unsure of what he wants to say. I suggest little improvements like "I would have done this all differently" and "I would have cut out this whole section of the film". And I praise Lorre's performance and the directing in general.
I fail to note that the only music is whistling, and it's done only by the killer (famously), the lead detective, and the lead criminal. Why? No idea. Also, I fail to note that the film was shot in 1.2:1, which is kind of weirdly skinny.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for a look at Eli Craig's clever slasher-in-the-woods spoof. We examine Tucker; we examine Dale; and we examine Evil; and we like what we see (well, not Evil, so much). We don't have a lot of profound insights, but we do have a good time and learn a thing or two about who's who in Hollywood (and Canada).
Batman is back! Keaton starts his role as Batman against the greatest villain he has ever known: Alexander Knox! I join Soulless Minions, Commentary Track Stars, and Geek Fights for a free-for-all. We mostly like the film but have a lot of fun with its ridiculousness.
Stay tuned for the post credits scenes. (TWO of them!)
Join me as I join Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars to watch Watchmen. I've never read the comic book (apparently, they still made comic books for a while after 1984), but Max thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced Shakespeare, so we discuss the relevancy and point of even having a film.
We deconstruct the story, themes, motifs, and symbolism. Max and I disagree over whether or not a human could catch a bullet, whether or not Superman could win the Vietnam War, and what Lee Iaccoca's role in the world was. I try to figure out if Ozymandias is gay and if Jackie Earl Haley qualifies as a dwarf. Max and Mike try to figure out how Rorschach's mask works. We all try to figure out what is meant to be satirical versus what is meant to be awesome and is actually kind of lame and also who is history's finest nine-fingered actor.
Also, I quiz Mike and Max about other movies I am confusing with this one, but Mike nevertheless answers correctly. Max and I perform a play about gravity. Max angrily denounces Paul Verhoeven and Freepers as serial killers and sex offenders, respectively. Max reveals how he learned to tie a necktie. And Mike explains how two lines of the comic book fix the biggest thing that bothers me about the film.
Batman is back! This time, Josh of Soulless Minions and Mike and Max of Commentary Track Stars take us on a dark and twisted fairy tale to Tim Burton's Gotham City, where penguins inhabit sewers and mystical cats roam alleyways freely.
We like the film better than the Schumacher films, but no one likes it as much as I do. It's my favorite of the four. Why are we doing them in reverse order? Because WE'RE CRAZY. Not crazy enough to run around in leather and vinyl, fighting crime, but pretty crazy.
I compare the film to Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Raw Deal, Yojimbo, and The Beautician and the Beast (not really, but I should have). I suddenly notice that Bond has sex with Pam. I question Cubby Broccoli's motives for "testing out" a see-thru swimsuit. I heap praise on it in nearly every respect, but I still don't like it, BUT I admit that I'm probably being unfair, so your mileage may vary.
Join me as I watch Green Lantern for the first time. I marvel as video game characters talk to each other with bad lip sync and an alien gives power limited only by the imagination to a patently irresponsible guy with no imagination. I suggest that 24 is a little young for a woman to become a defense contractor executive. And I boldly imply that character development doesn't consist of various characters simply saying the same words at each other over and over. ("Are you scared, because... your dad, you know?")
But Ryan Slightly-Grizzled Reynolds powers thru the pain. The fish guy from Hellboy, a racial stereotype, and an incredibly rude Jedi master are the worst instructors in the galaxy, so he lays down his gun and badge and quits the galactic police force! HA! No, seriously, he totally keeps the gun and badge.... And then—stuff!—and some chit chat, etc. 5-6-7-8-aaaaaand I'm spent.
Bond is back, and Timothy Dalton is here to stay! (Until the end of the movie.) It's the end of an era, with John Barry already gone, Cubby Broccoli on his way out, and a new Bond, M, Moneypenny, director, and writers waiting in the wings. It's an action-packed, adrenaline-fueled, revenge tale like no other (except for every other '80s action movie). The stunts are spectacular, the villains are unsavory, and the girls are absolutely to die for.
I compare the film to Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Raw Deal, Yojimbo, and The Beautician and the Beast (not really, but I should have). I suddenly notice that Bond has sex with Pam. I question Cubby Broccoli's motives for "testing out" a see-thru swimsuit. I heap praise on it in nearly every respect, but I still don't like it, BUT I admit that I'm probably being unfair, so your mileage may vary.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back in all his 1980s glory! He's at the height of his killing/quipping powers and ready to— okay, I can't kid you. There's a reason why you and I have never seen this, and it's because it stinks. Join me anyway as I watch for the first time and fill this gap in the Schwarzenegger ouevre.
I pick out my favorite quip, revel in the intriguing setup, and marvel at the sets and suits. I identify many of the actors and their cars. I shake my head at the weird plotting. And I accuse Arnold of being a mass murderer.
Join me as I again join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy and Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we lament the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever. We don't have quite the fun we had with Batman & Robin, but there's plenty to discuss.
We note most of the costume changes (and reel changes), compare the film to others in the Batman collection, and speculate on what might have been and what might be in the store for Batman in the future.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we relax with an old favorite. Men in Black 3 is in the theaters, so we nod our heads along with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in the original. Often imitated (I'm looking at you, Hellboy), never duplicated, it's a modern classic—all the more remarkable for being rewritten on the fly and helmed by the hit-or-miss Barry Sonnenfeld.
We talk about Smith and Jones and Sonnenfeld's other films, discuss the sequel, and marvel at the cast in general. I call it a nearly nearly perfect film, and we analyze what makes us hold back on the unconditional love.
IT ALL ENDS in a grand assault on Hogwarts that is in no way like Lord of the Rings! It's a terrific, emotional ending to a terrific series. However, once again, I lament setup-and-payoff issues. I lament Snape's worthless death and Harry's nonsensical non-death. And I lament plot ellipses (they're not holes if they are explained in the book) and propose new endings and variants of key scenes that would make them stronger (YMMV).
I compare the film to the Indiana Jones movies and The Wizard of Oz, and I compare The Wizard of Oz to Shakespeare. I accuse Harry of being illiterate. I also decide who gets to graduate.
Back in 2005, I wrote up my study of US and UK spelling differences and published a comprehensive list. Over the next 8 years, it's by far the article that I've had the most feedback on, most of it noting one or two spellings that I missed. I eventually stopped updating the page, but since I continue to get notes, I've decided to do a full update and present this as a central repository for the list in an easier-to-read format.
Bond is back, and he's played this time by Timothy Dalton! It's a terrific entry in the series, with spectacular stunts and little that it dumb and cheesy. Maryam d'Abo is the cellist/sniper/freedom fighter/pilot of his dreams—which is good because she's the only beddable female in the film unless you count a much younger and hotter Moneypenny and Pushkin's girlfriend, who suffers terribly considering that she's completely innocent. He's helped along by old friends Felix Leiter and Stewie Griffin.
However, I bemoan the rather clownish villains. I point out that Bond helping out Kamran Shah against reasonable and affable Russians might not be the wisest strategy.
At last Harry Potter leaves the stifling confines of the musty old castle and takes to the great outdoors! For ages and ages and ages while nothing happens. Join me as I try to make the best of it, but ultimately this is one of my least favorites of the series because there's so little actual plot at the same time that there is so little actual drama.
I discuss themes (or the lack thereof), the romance (or lack thereof), motivations, the pleasant development of the actors, and the really good infiltration of the Ministry sequence. But I mostly complain about how Hermione does practically EVERYTHING even at this point, when Harry should be stepping up as hero.
Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs as we peer fixedly thru Rear Window. It's a heartbreaking tale of an impotent old man and his ravishing young girlfriend, who can't help but stare into the lives of a lonely woman, a pair of newlyweds, an older married couple, a frustrated composer, an oddball sculptor, and a wholesale jewelry salesman.
Thrill to the dinner scene! Cower at the massage scene! Flutter at the Edith Head fashion show! Somehow, Alfred Hitchcock manages to keep us interested and even make us shake with fear without ever showing something so crass and common as a murder. It's one of our favorites, and we have a great time!
The Asylum attacks! It's a two-headed shark, Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell, Brooke Hogan, and a cast of shark fodder. Along the way, I express bafflement at the purpose of the expedition, I root against certain characters, I call Charlie O'Connell a wuss (and, multiple times, Jerry—sorry), I try to rewrite the story as a JJ Abrams project, and I come up with an idea for a sequel.
Overall, I'm solidly not as disappointed as I could have been. It's fun in the sun "hundreds" of miles away from anywhere with a gratuitous topless scene and lots of bikinis. Who am I to complain? And, after watching it again, I realize that nearly all the questions I had are actually answered in the film. This screenplay is watertight!
Harry Potter takes a back seat to love and Malfoy in this, the sixth of the eight films. Join me as I over-analyze the goings on and giggle at the smooching. I suggest that Snape and Wormtail could make a good sitcom and that Dumbledore might be encouraging Harry to get a girl pregnant. Luckily, Harry is so thick-headed that he doesn't get that hint... or any other.
I discuss the theme and Harry's development thruout the previous films. I complain that Harry doesn't actually do much investigating and that the B plot doesn't reinforce the A plot. And I warn wizards that they could wind up like magical Amish people. But I like this move at least as much as pretty much any of the others for its marvelous control of tone and atmosphere.
Join me for another fun-filled dive into the world of existentialist hit men and the philosophy and tools of their trade. It's Charles Bronson as the master and Jan Michael Vincent as his lovely leading lady and protege. Thrill to the dialog-free opening 15 minutes! Be electrified by the amazing house, gadgets, and cars! Be weirded out by the suicide-as-spectator-sport sequence!
I compare the film to Day of the Jackal, James Bond films, other Bronson films, and Air Wolf. I evaluate the effectiveness of being meticulous against the actual results Arthur achieves. And I occasionally wish that Jan Michael Vincent was a girl and that the girls in the movie could act.
At last, I rejoin the Doctor for another journey to the stars, this time to find God Himself. The Doctor takes away all my pain and yours to, if you'll only join him in his insane quest to do commentaries for all the Star Trek movies.
We discuss the wisdom of Shatner getting to direct just because Nimoy got to direct, the likelihood that Kirk is the source of most of the pain on the Enterprise, the likelihood that I would fall for the old fan dance trick, and much, much more!
Harry Potter is again on the docket! Watch along with me as I examine what passes for justice in the wizarding world, what passes for teaching in the mind of Dolores Umbridge, and what passes for romance at Hogwarts (one kiss and a pat on the shoulder).
This is my least favorite of the Potter films, solely because of Umbridge, but I try to stay positive and focus on the totally sweet training montage and final battles. Okay, maybe I also hate the prophecy stuff and the parts which feel a lot like Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, which are not inconsiderable. Oh, and I once again get Jesus and Moses mixed up. Cut me some slack; they both wore beards and robes and were almost killed as babies.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me for the second of Christopher Nolan's Batmen! We judge it to be the best of breed, with a tour de force performance from Heath Ledger. We discuss plot depth and stuff, like how much of a racist I am (apparently a lot). We debate whether it is a mushy in the middle and which Robertses and Gyllenhaals we can do without. And we agree that this movie would be great with or without a dude dressed as a bat.
Also, we consider Milla Jovovich as Catwoman and Bruce Willis as the Penguin or somebody to try to reunite them with Gary Oldman and Tiny Lister from The 5th Element. Here's some more: Ian Holm as Mr. Freeze and Chris Tucker as that dude Liberace played in the old TV show!
Join me as I join Mystery, Inc. for a stroll thru my childhood WITH ZOMBIES. It's Scooby-Doo and the gang reunited in 1998's return to form, even if the voices are slightly wonky. Everybody but Fred had been replaced at this point, and they've changed clothes and jobs, but HEY! It's Scooby-Doo! And there's no damned Scrappy!
I compare the film to the original series, to other Hanna-Barbara cartoons of the era (Speed Buggy, Jabber Jaw, Josie and the Pussycats). I talk about the current and original voice actors and their other work. Plus, I do a Frank Welker impression! (That's what I was doing at the beginning there, when I was talking about "special guest stars". It was actually Frank Welker doing Gregory Peck and/or Nibbler.)
Harry Potter is back! Join me as we watch him on the Jumbotron, competing in the Quadwizard Tournament against dragons, dancing, merfolk, and bushes. I explore Dumbledore's willful mispronunciations, Ron's many alternatives to going to the ball in a costume rejected by Jon Pertwee, and the likelihood of what appears to be half a dozen Death Eaters terrorizing what seems to be 100,000 or so wizards at the Quidditch World Cup.
I again ask the question "Why does any of this happen?" I put forth a clear and concise alternative for Barty Crouch, Junior's ridiculous plan. I propose an explanation as to why the tournament must go on. I maintain my theory that Filch and Mrs. Norris are married. And I explore the possibility that Hermione gave the big V to Viktor, if you know what I mean.
It's Harry Potter, back for a third helping of myth, magic, teen angst, and lots and lots of chocolate! I walk thru the structure of the story, character motivations, and time travel theories. I wonder who needs a permission slip to go shopping but not to fly around in a thunderstorm. I ask the musical question "Why does any of this happen?" And I worry about illegal boggart abuse.
I try to figure out the story-behind-the-story to understand what Lupin and Black are thinking and come up confused and bewildered. I wonder if there is a little homosexual subtext to go with the homosexual text. And I worry that Hermione, like Buckbeak, is going to be sentenced to death for striking a Malfoy.
Roger Moore is back for his last rodeo as James Bond! It's a rather slow, somewhat dull, kind of haphazard adventure filled with lovely women and also Grace Jones!
Honestly, there's not a lot to say about this one. The whole formula is a bit tired and threadbare. I try to make the best of it and have fun by noting how stopping a guy who is making EMP-proof chips available to the world is kind of a jerk goal for British Intelligence. I point out how Zorin is awfully clumsy about keeping his activities quiet when he puts his name on every chip and has them packed for shipping in his basement.
TweetHaving recently agreed to do a commentary for Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, it occurred to me to go back and look at other requests I’ve had and see how I’ve done at fulfilling them. And it turns out… not so good. I’ve had some good feedback and many more requests than I’d realized, but I’ve … Continue reading New Year’s Resolution: requests →
Join me for the second leap into fantastic adventures of puddles of water and CGI spiders and cars that act silly as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I like this film second or third best of the series, but that doesn't mean I cut it any slack. (Actually, I think I cut it slack on at least two occasions.)
I again analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore. I admire the structure and pacing. And I wonder why NO ADULTS ARE INVESTIGATING THESE TERRIFYING EVENTS.
Join me in for the first step into the magical world of British character actors, child-sized horror mystery, and wild swings of tone as I watch and comment on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I like the series quite a lot and this film is no exception. Your mileage may vary.
I've never read any of the books, so I stick almost entirely to exploration of the movies. But I analyze the plot and compare it to myths and folklore and the other films in the series. I compare the characters here with their development (or lack thereof—or even regression) in the later films. And I touch on visual effects, consistency, setup-and-payoff, and mommy logic.
Join me as I join Josh from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, Mike and Damon from Geek Fights, and (about 90 minutes in) Mike from Commentary Tracks Stars as we celebrate the awfulness of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Josh is ambivalent (in that he can barely stand it). I praise the set design and remain staunchly in denial of any gay subtext. Mike and Damon profess love that sours over the course of film. And CTS Mike just despises it. Over all, we have a great deal of fun with it.
I quote my 8-year-old nephew a few times. We speculate on superhero Donald Trump and Richard Branson. We try to figure out how a 21-year-old Barbara has a mother who was young in the 1940s. We wonder why Bane is even in this movie. And we marvel that Mr. Freeze's suit is powered by puns.
Josh and John are back again for another three-commentator commentary, this time for Andrew Niccol's Gattaca. We compare it to Niccol's later films, discuss performances and art direction, and analyze the plot. We have varying degrees of respect for the movie, but none of us hate it.
Join John Pavlich and me for the first of Christopher Nolan's Batmen and thrill to the excitement of flashbacks(!) and training sequences(!) and more (but not a lot more). We both like the film, but maybe not as much as we did when before seeing The Dark Knight.
We talk Batman comic books, other Nolan movies, Joker vs Scarecrow, Scarecrow vs Falcone, Britons vs Americans, and Holmes vs Gyllenhaal.
Join me for a trip thru one of the greatest action movies of all time. It's the heartwarming story of a boy and his robot and his mom living off the fat of the land and blowing stuff up, driving like crazy people, and shooting guns ineffectively.
I examine the themes and visual motifs, discuss James Cameron in general, and compare the film to the original and other sequels and to other films. I temporarily misidentify a car (heaven forbid!), and stumble thru discussion of theme and motif, and speculate on where the rest of the original terminator skeleton got to.
There's big trouble brewing in Chinatown! Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we go into the tunnels under San Francisco to fight David Lo Pan and retrieve the lovely Miao Yin and Gracie Law! In this impromptu commentary, we discuss the film's origins in pulp fiction and connections to Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Bruce Lee movies, and other John Carpenter movies.
We gush like schoolgirls at times, and agree that the film is virtually if not actually nearly perfect.
Danny Trejo IS Machete, the hard-charging illegal immigrant of your nightmares. Robert DeNiro is the Italian/Irish/Texan state senator. Jessica Alba is the the superhot tight-pantsed Immigration agent. Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to our co-director Robert) is the superhot taco truck lady! And that guy who is always a villain in these kinds of movies is the villain in this movie!
Join me as I watch it for the first time and narrate the bloody mess! Also! Don Johnson! Steven Seagal! Cheech Marin! Tom Savini! It's completely ridiculous how many famous actors are crammed into this movie! Except Devon Aoki! That is NOT—repeat NOT—Devon Aoki! I almost forgot Lindsey Lohan! Who gets naked! As do other ladies, some more and some less full-frontally!
It's an all-star commentary with myself, John of Sofa Dogs and Josh of Soulless Minions! We love the film, the cast, Star Trek, and pretty much everything else, so join us for the fun! We analyze the Trek and other sci-fi references, the careful setup and payoff of the screenplay, and how the effects hold up even from yea-back in 1999. John talks about his Brush With Shatner, Josh brings the hardcore Trek nerdery, and I invent the word "blusterbuss" (tm).
Bond is back and Connery is playing him! It's the one-off Thunderball remake of sorts that comes, as all great things do, courtesy of a contentious lawsuit. It's the goulash of Bond films, with a little of everything and all, surprisingly, in about the right measure. The music is bad but the gadgets are good, the babes are bodacious, and the villain is batshit crazy with a hint of whimsy.
I analyze the differences and striking similarities in the structure and plotting, compare it to other Bond films, assess the Bondiness of Connery's 12-years-later Bond, and question why he's now working for the Jackal.
TweetIn June 2010, I started using the PodPress WordPress plugin to make my commentaries available on iTunes and to track the download numbers. I reported on the results at the beginning of this year, but I thought I’d do it again now. Here are the most-downloaded commentaries since installing the plugin and the number of … Continue reading Numbers 2: most popular Tysto commentaries →
Roger Corman is back, and he brought Dinocroc with him! It's the 2004 monster movie Dinocroc. Join me if you dare as I cue this baby up and watch it for the first time. Thrill to the shadowy swamps! Tremble as the monster stalks its prey (again and again and again)! Shimmy as the Scooby-Doo trap is sprung!
I get my superhot-women-with-serpentine-features mixed up (and give my recommendations for worm-based Scottish folk rock). I compare the film to all the usual suspects and desperately try to have fun with it in general. It's no Sharktopus, but it will have to do.
Join me and my special guests Josh and Justin from Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy on a magical trip thru some Medieval fantasyland or other. It's the heartwarming story of a humble peasant (who is totally not a hobbit or a moisture farmer) who goes on a quest that has nothing to do with destroying an evil overlord or saving an adult princess. Along the way, he gains an item of mystical power (which is not at all a ring of invisibility or a laser sword) and teams up with a pair of comical sidekicks (who are clearly not hobbits or robots) as well as a loveable rogue (who is definitely not a ranger of royal descent or a smuggler in trouble with a gangster) and gets magical help from a wise and mystical old mentor (who is in no way an old magic-wielding wizard or an old sword-wielding mystical monk).
We discuss the novelization and possible inspirations, explore its themes and tone, and weigh its strengths and weaknesses. We like the film a lot but also have a lot of fun with it. I can't remember most of the characters' names, but I do get a chance to bust out my knowledge of ancient literature.
It's another Trek! Join the Doctor and me again for the one where Spock swears and Kirk fails to score and the rest of the crew does an amazing job of stealing some whales: a.k.a. "the corny one."
Nevertheless, the Doctor and I enjoy it enormously and don't poke too much fun at its premise of a giant space Tootsie Roll menacing Earth with a really loud stereo and traveling back in time to bring back whales to talk to it. It's just ridiculous, but the jokes are actually mostly funny, and the characters are great.
The Asylum is back, and they're bringing the scares for Halloween! Join me as I watch A Haunting in Salem for the first time and enjoy the thrills and chills on my way to enjoying the hell out of this movie. I analyze the legend-within-a-legend idea, the value of renovating bathrooms and kitchens, the rules of daytime vs nighttime haunting, the texting skills of 1950s ghosts, and the curious love of landscape pictures the family has.
Along the way, I quail in fear and disgust at actors' dirty feet, determine which of the Van Dykes is the least Van Dykey, decide that I want to see woolly mammoth ghosts, come to the conclusion that I may need to murder someone in my own house to give it atmosphere, and lay some word-nerdery on you.
John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs Podcast and I have a good time with the commandos vs zombies picture Resident Evil. We prepare to take it apart but— but— for all its flaws, we basically love the damn thing. So join us as we examine the structure, the references to the game and to Alice in Wonderland, the cribs from other action films, and which handsome white dude is which.
We speculate as to why the commandos would leave their gas masks and take the people they're "rescuing" deeper into danger, why Alice decided on combat boots instead of heels, and why the the Red Queen wants to chop everyone's head off so badly. And we try to figure out who just got killed and who really remembers what when, and and whether or not Michelle Rodriguez plays the tough, streetwise kitty in the 2008 direct-to-video A Cat's Tale.
Bond is back again for lucky number 13! Yes, it's still Roger Moore cranking out the cheeky remarks. This time, 007 must stop a ring of international smugglers/circus folk auctioning off—and buying back—priceless Russian treasures, altho why he cares I don't know. They're not British treasures, after all. The women are beautiful—except for the creepy one whom I suspect to be a snake in a wig—and the villains and stunts are passable if not spectacular. The sets are likewise lacking in scale, but at least the plot and plot devices are mostly believable.
I examine the origin of "Octopussy" and whether or not she's a stronger character than other Bond women—such as the other Bond woman who looked exactly like her—and also the wisdom of taking several minutes to put on clown makeup when it leaves you with a mere 90 seconds to save a big chunk of Germany.
John Pavlich and I watch the low-budget King-Darabont horror The Mist! This is my first commentary for a movie I outright dislike. John is more forgiving... at least until the end. But we keep it light and have a great time picking it apart and still give credit where credit is due.
We try to figure out exactly what bugs us about it and what could have been done to fix it. We compare it to High Noon, "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street", Alien, and Footloose*. And I sing a little Joan Baez. So... don't miss that.
Join the Doctor from Speakeasy and me as we watch one of the most influential film noir movies of all time. Thrill to the dark, rainy setting! Gasp at the rumpled trenchcoats! Stand in awe of the game of 20 questions! We dissect the film as sci-fi as well as film noir. We attempt to determine what "blades" are being "run".
We compare the film to other sci-fi movies, other Ridley Scott movies, and other Philip K Dick stories. And we discuss the possibility of Deckard being a replicant—which he DEFINITELY IS NOT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID, RIDLEY SCOTT.
Join me (or don't; seriously) as I take my first look at Jonah Hex, the heartwarming story of a disfigured man who finds love with a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and yet abandons her. Also, John Malkovich tries to destroy America with his liberal agenda. And by "liberal" I mean the liberal application of cannon fire. Note, however, that he does this with a boat and not something crazy like a giant mechanical spider and entertaining dialog.
Josh Brolin is Jonah Hex because it would have been silly to cast, say, Will Smith in the role of a cowboy given a mission to save the country by President Grant. Aiden Quinn is President Grant because Kevin Kline wasn't available. And Megan Fox is the girl who helps out but doesn't stay with him because Salma Hayak was not orange enough.
One, two, Freddy's comin' for you and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast and me as we watch Freddy and Johnny Depp's debuts in a heartwarming coming-of-age story. We wax rhapsodical about Wes Craven and other low-budget horror. We compare this film to others of its type and to the remake. And we forgive any and all faults with the possible exception of John Saxon's comb-over.
Listen as we deconstruct the film as an allegory for young adulthood, parental neglect, fear of the dark, female empowerment, and unwanted hat pregnancy. And don't miss Roger Rabbit's poster of a kitty riding a trolley!
WELCOME!!! to the Tysto 100th Commentary Spectacular!!! Join me for a showcase of early CGI as God intended it: DINOSAURS!!! I welcome Bea Arthur and Foreigner as special guests!!! And dancing girls!!! I even ride a live dinosaur trained to the saddle!!!
Jurassic Park is the heartwarming story of people who get trapped in an old dark house with Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, and Peter Lorre, played by DINOSAURS!!! I gush rhapsodical about the dinosaurs and other action. I complain slightly about the flatness of the Alan and Ellie characters. I compare the film to Jaws and explain the structure with its various types of pipe-laying. And I depress myself slightly by looking up whether or not the Pirates of the Caribbean ride ever actually killed anyone.
I'm rolling up on the big 1-0-0! With Jurassic Park—a commentary 65 million years (well, 4-and-a-half years) in the making—I will have released 100 commentaries! What I'm hoping for here is that you will find a moment to add a comment to this post and let me know what you would like to see in the next 4-and-a-half years.*
One day (theoretically) I will run out of James Bond and Star Trek movies, so what next? Are you enjoying the golden oldies I usually do? Do you want more of any particular genre? I've had specific requests in the past and tried to look into doing them, but they don't always work out. Would you like more sight-unseen commentaries (The Asylum or otherwise?).
More Hitchcock? More Schwarzenegger? More (meaning "some") Stallone? More westerns? More horror? More sci-fi? How about more recent releases? Let me know!
Would you like more team-ups? (Interested in doing a commentary with me? All you need is Skype and a good microphone!***)
Bond is back! This time, the film makers mine the depths of Fleming's short stories and cobble something together that is... pretty dang good, actually. There are no gadgets, the girls are not great, and there are no fantastic Ken Adam sets, but there's also nothing much to really hate—except the idiotic Blofeld appearance at the beginning.
I examine the construction of the plot, defend it against those who say it's too much like From Russia with Love, and complain that Locque isn't much of a villain. I lament the birth defect that left Carole Bouquet with a non-functioning forehead and a mustache nearly as luxurious as Topol's, as well as whatever it is that makes Lynn-Holley Johnson so annoying and seven years too old to be to young for James Bond. And I lament the fact the Roger Moore is just too old to run up all those steps.
Join me and John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs podcast again, this time for a freaky, gooey ride thru Cronenberg-land, a land of magic and mystery and "flesh" and cool cars, located near scenic Toronto. We analyze the themes of substance abuse, transformation, and disease; wonder who is the craziest character; and ultimately blame the whole mess on the baboon.
We marvel at the economy and deftness of storytelling, discuss the tragic romance and operatic angle, and compare it to the sequel, to the first draft, and somewhat to other transformation monster movies. I call the film nearly perfect and declare Jeff Goldblum to be his Goldblumiest.
The Asylum is back! And without commercials! And that guy from Summer School (no, not Mark Harmon) and that girl from Growing Pains (no, not Tracey Gold) drive and fly and walk and otherwise travel from the frozen north to the soon-to-be-frozen slightly-further-south. Join me as I watch it for the first time and gradually figure out what city (or what coast, for that matter) the film is set in (I wasn't paying a lot of attention at the beginning). I analyze the motives of the protagonists (survive; get daughter) and the antagonists (smash whichever coast we're set in).
Along the way, I make up a background for the mysterious and otherwise creditless director Travis Fort. I wax poetical about the various vehicles the characters travel in. I contemplate the dangers of "snornados". I say some things that might get me beaten up the next time I go to New York (our nation's capital), New Jersey (its retarded brother), and Canada (it only has two cities and its savage people worship glaciers). And I imagine other (copyrighted!) ways of portraying the glacier, such as by giving it an English accent and a hunchback.
Join me as I join the Doctor again for our third trek! This is the one where Spock is reborn, and McCoy carries Spock's mind alongside his own mind, and Sulu changes clothes at inappropriate times. We examine the ideas of Vulcan mind transfer, naked racism in the Federation, and the meanness of wrapping reborn people in their own death shrouds.
We also discuss whether or not McCoy almost accidentally picks up an alien prostitute, whether or not Scotty is basically R2D2, and whether or not Kirk answers Spock's question honestly when Spock asks "The ship safe?" And along the way, you'll learn which scientific discoveries the Doctor condemns as dangerously unpredictable and why my first sexual experience was like Spock's.
Join John Pavlich of Sofa Dogs and me as we watch Johnny Utah go toe to toe with Elrond with a little help from Cowboy Curtis in the 1999 emo action thriller that started a revolution! We wax philosophical over dreamscapes, simulations, body horror, the juxtaposition of old and new technology, and the wearing of super cool sunglasses at night! I reveal my secret Internet hacker name, John reveals what Star Wars films he has not seen, and we both examine what works and what doesn't quite work for each of us. We discuss the sequels a little bit when they inform this film, but most take the movie on its own terms. John is momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Carrie-Anne Moss' boobs in Red Planet; I am momentarily dumbfounded by the thought of Katie Holmes' boobs in The Gift.
Michael Lonsdale is back! And this time he's the good guy, tracking down an international killer known only by the code name "Hello Sailor!" or whatever the French equivalent is. Join me as, despite my cold, I put on a perfect French accent (London, France, to be exact) and cue up this tense Cold-War-era thriller about how terrible the French army is at killing people.
Despite the ~~flabby~~ meticulous plotting and the ~~long~~ luxurious running time, the pacing is excellent. I explore what could have been cut without hurting the film and what could have been tightened up to help it. And I mock the hilarious French cars. Oh, and bonus if you watch along with me: French ta-tas. Ooh la la!
Jaws is back, and Bond fights him! (again and again...) It's the eleventh Bond, and I admire the sights, the women, the stunts, the women's revealing wardrobe, the model shots, the model-actresses, and the incredible Ken Adam sets.
I don't do much car spotting or gun spotting because Bond drives boats and fights hand-to-hand pretty much the whole movie. sigh The comedy is slapsticky (vaudevillian, to be exact), and the story is a loose collection of great set pieces connected by cardboard arrows. (Venetian glass? Go to Venice! Crates that say "Rio"? Go to Rio! Toxin from the Amazon? Go to the Amazon! Space shuttles? Go to space!) Plus, the villain's plan is basically the same as in the last movie (kill everyone, clean up the corpses with bulldozers, repopulate). Still, I don't think it's the worst Bond of them all. (Your mileage may vary.)
Join me for the last of the Star Wars films ever made! (Later films notwithstanding. Offer void where prohibited.) I analyze the romance, the bromance, and the dromance. I try to figure out the timeline again. I compare the Empire’s work-life-balance policies with the Alliance’s. And I deconstruct the episodic nature of this film and the previous one.
I analyze the lack of proper planning evident thruout the film, including the method of constructing Death Star II. I once again declare my love for ewoks, perhaps a little too strongly…. I forgive C-3P0 somewhat. And I do lots of incredibly precises impressions of various characters. (Your mileage may vary. This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.)
It's John Pavlich from the Sofa Dogs podcast hosting me for a commentary on the zom-com-non-bomb Zombieland. It's the heartwarming tale of a nerdy college student's search for someone to "pass the gravy" to. It's also the moving tale of a childless father's search for vengeance and Twinkies. And it's also the shocking tale of two con-artist sisters' search for a shower and an amusement park where there are no lines. And it's ALSO the heartbreaking tale of Bill Murray getting shot for pretending to be a zombie, like an idiot.
Join John and me for a fast run to Pacific Playland, where you will learn why Down in Front dropped the ball on their commentary for this film, the rules for survival in a Zombie apocalypse, and who you're gonna call (Ghostbusters).
Join me as I rush thru the 1998 German film Run, Lola, Run, the pulse-pounding story of a girl running around Berlin over and over until she gambles her way to happiness. I compare the film to video games and religious allegory—which it is not—and to fairy tales, humanist philosophy, and roulette—which it is.
I wax poetical about free will vs determinism and chance vs causation. I discuss the film's somewhat arch use of numerous techniques to represent the different stories and time frames. But I'm so deep into philosophy I forget to identify any guns or cars other than Manni's Walther PPK.
I explain the color motifs (Manni = blue and yellow; Lola = green, red, and blue) and the other visual motifs (spirals, grids, breaking glass). I compare the different runs (green/running, red/thinking, blue/feeling). And I chide reviewers for wishing the film was deeper when THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FILM is that asking deep questions is a trap, and you've just got to run and love and trust and hope for the best.
It's a genuine mockbuster from The Asylum, so join me and my special guest Wegel Pinsky—if you dare—as we slog thru the adventures of a totally-not-mighty Thor being schooled by a Mexican chick to fight a superpowerful Darth Loki in the forests of Scandinavia and, for some reason, alleys of Los Angeles and repeatedly losing his weapons. It probably doesn't help that we've just come from seeing the Marvel Thor movie in the theater and more-or-less enjoyed it.
We try to figure out just what the characters are trying to do and why the chick with the weird name and weirder accent knows everything and Thor knows nothing. We try to figure out why Richard Grieco is just wandering around. And we try to figure out if this is the worst movie we've ever seen or just one of the worst movies we've ever seen. We enjoy the terror dogs from Ghostbusters and the lindworms from—I don't know—Lind? Do not operate heavy machinery after watching this film.
James Cameron blasts you out of a cannon (after loading you and packing you with powder for, like, 40 minutes) at a whole host of aliens (which you don't actually hit for another 35 minutes) in this sequel to the timeless monster movie Alien. Join me as I examine the special edition and its themes of motherhood and self-actualization and blowin' sht up and corporations are bad*.
I compare the film to the original and to various other films by Cameron and others. I go Wierzbowski hunting. I imagine Jerry Seinfeld in place of Paul Reiser. I call it "nearly perfect", altho I lament the concept of the alien hive with a queen. And I call out all the little Cameron-romance moments ("We're gonna die! I kind of like you!").
Join me as I join the Doctor again for another trek into space! Together, we examine the meaning of friendship and sacrifice and [shifts jaw awkwardly] "human". We examine the structure of the story and debate the artificiality of Shatner's hair and Montalban's chest. We contemplate Sean Connery as a scholar of Judaism and wonder about how Sulu spent the time between TPM and WoK and also how many times Kirk has had to fight an illegitimate child to the death.
Overall, we love the film, altho it is perhaps slightly more talky and less profound than many would like to pretend. I can't remember the phrase "affirmative action". And we get cut off briefly at one point but quickly get back on track.
Indy’s back for the third and final time! (Unless you count the fourth film.) Join me as I examine the way the third film returns to familiar territory in welcome ways… and then kind of wears out its welcome by the end. I explore the father-son theme, the shift from Jewish to Indian to Christian to, um, alien religion and the way the tone has shifted from a little too dark to a little too light. Overall, I love the film, tho, and never take to bashing it.
Join me as I watch Humphrey Bogart take on Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre—not to mention that duplicitous whore Mary Astor—in John Huston's version of Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon. I compare it to the book a little (it's nearly identical) and the 1931 version (it's way better), as well as Citizen Kane and later films noir and hard-boiled detective films.
I complain about Astor's performance (and general non-sexiness, if you ask me) and about the somewhat repetitive talkiness of the film, but I really do love it. I just can't quite call it "nearly perfect". I take it apart and examine the pieces, particularly the character motivations and directorial style and explain what an "automatic revolver" is.
It's the Asylum again, back for another sight-unseen commentary, this time with 100% fewer giant monsters! I don't know if that's a good thing, but it certainly makes for a higher quality film, easily besting the original 1997 James Cameron romantic-tragedy epic boo-hoo-fest, which I hated like Pol Pot and Baby Doc Duvalier.
There are no pop stars in this one, just a solid performance by Bruce Davison, a welcome bit by Brooke Burns, and a decent job by writer/director/star Shane Van Dyke as well as by the lips attached to Marie Wesbrook. I make fun of some names, some effects, and various ship nonsense. At times, I long for a mega shark and pray for the iceberg to eat a helicopter, but overall I liked it and was rather impressed by it. If this had been put out by a major studio with Roland Emmerich money for effects and advertising, it would have been a genuine blockbuster. (Which is different from saying it would have been a good film, by the way.)
The Doctor joins me again for another walk down memory lane, this time with Robert Wise and Alan Dean Foster's tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey and slow-motion model work. We both love the film and William Shatner and Persis Khambatta and the idea that Decker might just be responsible for creating the Borg.
We're watching the director's cut, with the silver "Paramount Pictures Presents" lettering at the beginning and not the theatrical cut with the gold lettering. The differences are not enormous.
It's the heart-wrenching tale of chance meetings between wounded hearts, daring to reach out, daring to trust again. Also, a 7-foot-tall metal-jawed psychopath bites people to death while his boss captures submarines. Join me for the tenth Bond film and one of the very best. This remains my favorite, but that doesn't mean it's perfect.
I compare it to the book that it's nothing like. I thrill at the adventure and swoon at the passion (well, cleavage). I mock the acting and disco music. I point out the—ahem—"re-use" of previous Bond plot devices. And I marvel at the incredible plan/backup plan/backup backup plan that Stromberg seems to repeatedly employ.
It's another Asylum monster/pop star extravaganza, this time with both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany [last name unknown], as well as a Martinez. 'Which Martinez?' you ask? THE Martinez. And a host of pythons and alligators-that-look-more-like-crocodiles-to-me rise out of the Everglades to attack Florida, which I again write off as a total loss. (Seriously, America, we're fully insured, right?)
There is pop music (some of which is pretty damn good), cars, and helicopters that change shape in mid-air. There's a herpatologist who can fly a helicopter and an animal rights activist who cares passionately about releasing non-native predators into Florida swamps. Other highlights: swallowing, biting, shooting, and cleavage. Plus, a secret surprise I guarantee will surprise you with its secret!
I praise the acting (I think; it's tough to remember all the crap I say, sometimes) but ding the directing (close-ups of people getting eaten is fundamentally cinematically different from people getting eaten).
TweetI created a new T-shirt design today. It’s in the Tysto shop. Check it out. It’s the phrase “I [heart] Precision” with a precise depiction of a human heart instead of a wildly inaccurate symbolic representation of one. You can get the T-shirt in several colors with the white-on-color design. I put it on a … Continue reading “I [heart] Precision” T-shirt →
Join me for a fourth helping of the Star Wars saga, this time dismantling the best film of the series. I examine Luke's story within the film and within the saga, as well as Vader's. I analyze Han and Leia's story as a romantic tragedy hors d'oeuvre that barely connects to the real story. And I compare the film to the prequels, Casablanca, adventure serials of the 1930s, samurai and western movies, Flash Gordon, and The Karate Kid.
I try to determine the timeline, point out John Ratzenberger, and do stunningly life-like impressions of George Lucas and Darth Vader. I psychoanalyze Yoda and question Lando's sexuality. Courting controversy, I declare my love for ewoks, root for Admiral Piett to retire to a villa on the Black Sea, and imagine daily life for stormtroopers. And I confidently assert that Han and Leia closed the deal by the time they met Vader at Cloud City.
Bond's ninth outing is Moore's second. Join me as I analyze the story, the girls, the cars, the gadgets—by which I mean the fake nipple—and the seemingly endless, awful JW Pepper scenes. However, I actually find myself defending the film against the haters and end up enjoying it fairly well on its own merits, at least a fair amount more than I did Live and Let Die.
I point out the not-so-subtle foreshadowing, analyze Scaramanga as a villain and Andrea as an ally. I try to figure out what country we're in, what the purpose of the custom golden gun is, and what Nick Nack's motivation is. I enjoy Maud Adams and Brit Eckland, and I positively adore the half-sunken ship secret spy office.
TweetIn early June 2010, I started using the PodPress WordPress plugin to make my commentaries available on iTunes. A side benefit is that it tracks the downloads and displays the information simply and in versatile ways. I wish I’d been using it all along, because it’s been great to see the number of listeners I … Continue reading Numbers: most popular Tysto commentaries →
Linda Hamilton is a diner waitress who rises to the occasion when a robot killer from the future drives his Delorean at 88 miles an hour to leap into the past in hopes of keeping his parents from meeting... or something like that. Michael Biehn is sent back to stop him and engage in some baby-makin'—and that's worth arriving naked in LA for. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a relentless robot and also happens to play a relentless robot who gets an apartment to settle down and rest and keep a kitty. And Bill Paxton and Lance Henriksen are killed by their first franchise monster, with long and illustrious careers ahead of them where they repeatedly get killed by franchise monsters.
I mistakenly say Henriksen is killed by a predator in Predator 2, but it's actually Alien vs Predator. I compare the film to Star Wars, Westworld, King Kong, Aliens, The Thing From Another World, Halloween, Back to the Future, and Harvey. I do a Jimmy Stewart impression. I bleep myself a couple of times to avoid the explicit tag. And I say that Brigitte Nielsen—who does not appear in this film—is German when she is actually Danish.
TweetTwo months ago, I posed this poll question: Aside from James Bond movies, what would you like to hear Tysto do a commentary for in the near future? The votes and suggestions came down in favor of more Schwarzenegger, more Star Wars, and maybe an Italian thriller (giallo) and Moon. So I’ll put The Terminator … Continue reading New year’s resolutions →
Over-sized piranhas are attacking Venezuela! Join me as I watch the film for the first time and attempt to figure out what is going on; why fish bark, roar, and oink; and why everything seems to have been shot at 6 o'clock in the evening. Listen as I identify the multiple artificial ticking clocks, write off the entire state of Florida, and calculate the growth rate of genetically modified fish on a scratch pad several times—oh wait, the characters do that last one.
I research the extensive film biographies of Tiffany [last name unknown], Barry Williams, Paul "I'm not Paul Hogan" Logan, and director Eric Forsberg and come up pretty dry. However, they all do a pretty great job, so I have no complaints. Oh wait, I do complain that the titles aren't left on screen long enough. (I'm a slow reader!) And I complain that there aren't any subtitles or extras on the Blu-ray. That's right—I'm watchin' this puppy on Blu-ray! (from the $5 bargain bin) No more commercials! Bonus: brown lady boobs!
Jamie Lee Curtis' mom takes it on the lam! Join me as I have a hell of a lot of fun examining Alfred Hitchcock's great low-budget suspense flick. I compare it to Hitch's other work, to the 1998 shot-for-shot remake, and to Death Proof, The Searchers, A Fistful of Dollars, and Dirty Harry. I quote from Peter Bogdonovich's book a few times. And I examine the motifs and symbols (birds = chicks; windows = windows).
I mix up the name of the town and the name of the cemetery several times. I bring up the delicate subjects of Mama Bates' age and the depth of Norman's desert swamp. Plus, I rewrite the picture so it's as conventional as possible—with a happy ending! Oh, and I laugh like a ninny. Enjoy!
Inspired by Time After Time and also by the hilarious idea of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I made this. It's a reworking of Dickens' A Christmas Carol with Jack the Ripper added in. It's a horror story for Christmas. Enjoy!
Join the Doctor and me in the far-flung future of 1979, where we watch Caligula doggedly track down the Master Control Program and make sweet, sweet love to Doc Brown's wife. We compare English and American ideas of currency, gentlemen's clubs, health care systems, and free love. We compare the character of Wells to Sherlock Holmes and Kyle Reese. And we compare the film to the 1960 The Time Machine as well as to Air Wolf.
We wonder why the time machine has an AM radio. But we fail to give Nicholas Meyer credit for sending his characters to the Chartered Bank of London and not to an imaginary "Bank of England." (Damn you, IMDb trivia page!)
Barry Bostwick and Renée O'Connor team up to hunt down a gigantic whale somewhere in the south seas in this 2010 tale of a man, a whale, and a dream of killing that whale. Watch with me as I: * Watch it for the first time * Compare it extensively to the original Herman Melville novel (it's about a guy hunting a whale) * Pick apart the intricacies of the plot (guy hunts whale, whale tries to eat aircraft in peace) * Analyze the symbolism (leg = penis; whale = thing that eats penises) * Get my 1978 Battlestar Galactica references all wrong (Starbuck = Apollo, Cassiopeia = Serina, robot dog = son, "biddi-biddi-biddi" = Twiki from Buck Rogers) * Review whale biology (female whales have udders, right?) * Never, ever compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which this is better than
I praise the sets, CGI, directing, and acting—where appropriate (I'm lookin' at you, guy-with-the-blank-stare-of-a-cow). And I complain that everything is lit like an Italian restaurant. Enjoy!
Bond is back in number eight, and Moore is playing him for the first time. Everything is different, except that the cars are American again, the dames are American again, and the action is kind of lame again. But—hey—the bad guys are black this time!
I mock Felix Leiter and Whisper and condemn Rosie Carver and writer Tom Mankiewicz. I analyze Mr. Big's ruthlessly over-efficient gang machine. I mock Paul McCartney's grammar (but fail to mention how Bond dissed the Beatles in Goldfinger). I compare the film to the earlier entries, to the book, to blaxploitation movies, and to Smokey and the Bandit. I praise Seymour, Kotto, and Moore, but mostly I complain that this just isn't one of the better entries. I take a break from obsessively identifying cars to obsessively differentiating between crocodiles and alligators.
Roger Corman and Eric Roberts team up with a crack team of effects artists to create an incredibly life-like simulation of Eric Roberts and a giant, bullet-proof shark-octopus hybrid which—somehow—gets out of control. It's an age-old story of love and loss, and I watch it for the first time and never, ever, not-even-once compare it to Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Watch it with me as I try to piece together the complex story and explore structure, theme, and buckets and buckets of Kensington gore. I sing a little "Sharktopus's Garden", compare it to La Dolce Vita and Jaws, and come up with some ideas (copyright!) for more sea monster movies.
Yul Brynner is a pre-Terminator Terminator that absolutely will not stop until you are dead in Michael Crichton's 1973 pre-Jurassic Park Jurassic Park: Westworld. The Doctor from The Speakeasy is back again as my guest to dismantle the film as a cautionary tale and as an advertisement for guilt-free sex tourism. We ponder the incredible danger inherent in a theme park where people are supposed to get into bar fights and sword fights with robots. We guess at the social hierarchy of technicians. And we speculate as to what would happen if James Brolin was the one in jail and nerdy lawyer Richard Benjamin was trying to get him out.
Aside from James Bond movies, what would you like to hear Tysto do a commentary for in the near future?
Happy Halloween! It's the beguiling Isabelle Adjani and the beguiling Klaus Kinski with Hitler himself in Werner Herzog's love letter to FW Murnau— Nosferatu the Vampyre. I compare it to the novel and to Murnau's silent version. And I compare it a bit to Fright Night, The Seventh Seal, and a few others.
I mock Harker's high-waisted pants and the self-conscious directorial touches, but overall I love the movie and praise it as much as possible while exploring its foibles. I indulge in some komedy dialog sync and boldly suggest that the film depicts the strongest female protagonist in any vampire film but that it could do with some Hammer-style boobs. Enjoy!
Start the movie with the countdown at the very beginning with the mummified babies. Yes: mummified babies.
The Doctor is back again—in stereo! This time, he's hosting me for a look at Steven Spielberg's incredible 1977 masterpiece Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We don't have a cross word to say about the film except perhaps that the aliens seems to act more like raccoons than visitors from another planet.
The Doctor and I converse on the UFO phenomenon of the 1970s, Indiana geography, alien biology, Richard Dreyfus's insanity, and Steven Spielberg's belief that aliens and angels are the same thing. We discuss the film as a character piece, as a horror movie with no horror, and as a treatise on communication in general. We discuss the possibility that the aliens are a rock band. And we imagine Lance "Itchy Trigger Finger" Henriksen having a flash-forward to his other films and shooting up the aliens.
I forget to make a joke about the Harper Valley PTA (that's where Dreyfus is driving when he has his initial encounter). And we forget to mention that this is the first of our five collaborations where none of the main characters is liquored up a good part of the time.
Bond is back, and Connery is playing him—for one last, tired, somewhat out-of-shape, slightly graying time. The cars are American, the dames are American, the villains are campy, and the action is weak, but it's not so bad. It's got sausage king Jimmy Dean! I follow the threads of a plot where Bond actually does some investigating, albeit one in which he himself overcomplicates things for no reason. I examine Bond's need to put the whole murdered-wife-being-the-result-of-his-own-incompetence thing behind him. And I also examine why M feels the need to be such a jerk to the guy who repeatedly saved Europe from the most wanted man since Hitler.
I suggest that what is difficult is not necessarily spectacular and that an elephant that hits a jackpot ought to be able to buy its freedom. I examine the wisdom of creating doubles of yourself when you're holed up in a penthouse you never leave. Also I further explore my theory of Blofeld's secret pathological need to be a philanthropist.
I can't remember Denise Richards' name. I forget to mention that Charles Gray (Blofeld here) was Bond's wooden-legged-and-doomed contact in You Only Live Twice. I do successfully identify Bond semi-regular Shane Rimmer.
Oh, and I sing part of the theme song. So, you know, don't miss that.
Bonjour! Join me as I tackle my first foreign film, the très Français sci fi blockbuster The Fifth Element. It's the heart-warming story of Bruce Willis as a down-on-his-luck cab driver who meets girl of his dreams Milla Jovovich and takes her on a vacation that includes a cruise ship and Egypt (and 'splosions!). She's beautiful, she's young (waaaay younger than him, actually), she's a natural redhead (well, clown orange, actually), she's a perfect being genetically engineered to fight evil, and she dresses like a Cirque du Soleil performer. What more could you ask for? Multipass!
I give some background on the movie and why it's so very, very French. I compare it to Heavy Metal, Fright Night, Léon, Blade Runner, other Bruce Willis movies, and other Milla Jovovich movies. I heap praise on Milla and Bruce, as well as on Brion James and Ian Holm. I suggest that David's collection of makeup and women's-wear might indicate that he has hobbies outside the priesthood. I wonder if Zorg is possessed by alien chocolate syrup. And I try to remember all the other times in movies that Milla Jovovich has woken up naked in a laboratory.
Yes, incredibly, I've broken my solemn oath not to do a Star Wars commentary a third time, this time by commentating on the original version of Star Wars from the bonus disk of the slim case boxed set. This is the one you may remember from VHS or laser disk or etched into stone tablets on Mount Olympus. It is the Star Wars.
I spend all my time disassembling the story and examining it piece by piece except when I'm making fun of C-3P0 or dismissing Chewbacca. I compare it to The Hidden Fortress, the hero's journey monomyth, King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Greek myths, westerns, and Flash Gordon serials. I attempt to "fix" it—and by doing a lot more than making Greedo shoot first.
I visited the Netherlands in May for a week on business and returned again recently for three weeks. I took a lot of photos and made a few observations. This is what I found.
I visited the Netherlands in May for a week on business and returned again recently for three weeks. I took a lot of photos and made a few observations. This is what I found.
I visited the Netherlands in May for a week on business and returned again recently for three weeks. I took a lot of photos and made a few observations. This is what I found.
I am joined by my padawan nephew "Noron" for a rip-roaring adventure in space with droids and stormtroopers and everything in a commentary for the first (chronologically) of the Star Wars films. Together we contemplate the value of an escape pod that dumps you in the middle of a giant desert, the wisdom of Jawas not to wipe the memories of the droids they find, and the likelihood of a giant aquatic snake getting onto a space station.
We try to figure out Darth Vader's rank in relation to the various Moffs and Grand Moffs in this and the next movie, and how Peter Cushing could have been the good guy in old vampire movies when he looks like a vampire in this movie. We mull over the value of droids that can barely walk or roll, have no arms, and can't speak; narrow walkways without railings; and a headset on a wookie that just goes "Aaawr!" One of us laments the loss of Porkins and Biggs, and one of us roots for the death of Biggs. Why? You won't believe the reason.
Bond is back again and Lazenby plays him. Join me as I investigate the one and only appearance of George Lazenby in the role and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I mock the nonsensical missions-that-aren't-missions, gadgets-that-aren't-gadgets, and Blofeld's plan-that-isn't-a-plan that amounts to hypno-zombie debutantes with poison spray bottles.
I analyze Blofeld's weird philanthropic tendencies, Tracy's unexplained suicidal tendencies, and her father's henchmen's random homicidal tendencies. And I analyze Bond's cozy relationship with the self-confessed second-biggest crime lord in Europe.
I obsessively identify the various cars. I try to imagine a less likely man to pretend to be a homosexual in a skirt and frilly blouse. I try to identify the moment Bond genuinely falls in love. And I try to identify the moment Bond realizes that his sex addiction has allowed a known international terror-extortionist to successfully launch his plan.
I've now uploaded the last part of my European vacation photos to my Fotki site.
After staying overnight in Venice, I flew to Paris to spend Sunday before returning to Amsterdam on Monday for work.
I've now uploaded the second part of my European vacation photos to my Fotki site. The second half of the Greek cruise was the best.
I just ended a cruise vacation in Europe. I say "Ended" instead of "Came back from" because I'm still in Europe at this moment, continuing to do some work in the Netherlands. I've uploaded the first part of my trip photos now to my Fotki site.
TweetMy nephew Drew graduated from high school this past weekend, and my sister used my camera to take pictures. Congratulations! See the whole gallery on Fotki. You can order prints from Fotki by clicking the link and choosing the size in the shopping cart.
TweetMy nephew Jacob graduated from junior high school last week, and my sister used my camera to take pictures. Congratulations! See the whole gallery on Fotki. You can order prints from Fotki by clicking the link and choosing the size in the shopping cart.
I've gotten Tysto listed on iTunes now. To facilitate that, I added a special plugin, so the look of the individual commentary pages has changed. I still haven't changed the Firefly page over to the new style, but now all the other commentaries have posters, streaming players, and links on iTunes.
Sweet.
I don't have a button to link to iTunes, but I'll do that soon.
Bond is back again and Connery plays him, this time as a humble Japanese fisherman with a "yen" for smoked salmon. (Get it!?) Ah, but the mysterious Osato Corporation has it out for him and will surely do him in if they ever get their miserable act together and if they aren't foiled by a girl. I examine the overall plan of Spectre, the specifics of that plan, the lack of a plan by Bond, and the awesomeness of ninjas and secret volcano lairs.
I mock the color-coded uniforms of Blofeld's men, the awkwardness of the gadgets in Aki's sweet Toyota 2000 sports car, the incredible convenience of certain plot twists, and the absurd unlikelihood of building a rocket base in a hollowed-out volcano with no one noticing. The film mocks me by serving up ninjas attacking a rocket base in a hollowed out volcano with no #@*&$ CGI. I mistakenly say that in the novel "Suki" tries to keep Bond and gets pregnant by him, but her name is "Kissy". "Suki" is the original name for film's character "Aki", who doesn't appear in the novel. Also, in keeping with the film's rating, I bleep myself a couple of times.
TweetSomething is still wrong with this site. The front page is now not displaying correctly, as if some code in one of the posts is invalid. Unpublishing that post allows a couple of others to appear, but then some other post gets cut off. The right sidebar never appears. EDIT: I’ve changed the site to … Continue reading Messed up—fixed!(?) →
TweetDrew’s photos commemorating his senior year. These were taken in the back yard on a very sunny Saturday afternoon. You can find the full gallery at my Fotki pages. You can order pictures by clicking the “Order Print” link next to the picture in the single image view or under each picture in the gallery … Continue reading Drew’s senior pictures →
TweetMy nephew graduated from Purdue University this weekend. We gathered at his former workplace: Nine Irish Brothers in Lafayette. Congratulations! Here is a gallery of the photos of his reception luncheon…. You can order prints by clicking the “Order print” link next to the picture in the single image view or under each image in … Continue reading Nathan’s graduation →
TweetMy ISP’s server (GoDaddy) apparently got hacked, and my site was infected with an anti-malware piece of malware. I’ve tried uploading a fresh install of WordPress and re-uploaded my theme files, but it’s still not working properly. UPDATE: I think I’ve fixed it now.
JJ Abrams' reboot of the storied Star Trek franchise meets its match in the form of myself and the Doctor from Speakeasy Podcast, in which we deftly pick apart the minor plot inconsistencies, such as every single thing that happens. However, we do love the film (even if it does feel like $150 million dollar fan fiction aimed at lens flare aficionados) so we fawn over the actors and effects and compare it to the original series and movies. But we also expose the ugly specter of racism and alcoholism in Starfleet (speaking of which: take a drink every time someone abandons his post as captain!).
Errata: Thruout the film, I stupidly call the Narada the Naruto. Also, grog rations were ended by the British navy in 1970. And the one where Kirk angers Spock with insults is "This Side of Paradise" and not "Shore Leave". (Those are all mine. The Doctor's "facts" are all "true".)
It's still alive! Sherlock Holmes and Dracula meet Bambi and Frankenstein's Monster in the 1939 extension of the Frankenstein mythos. I mock the hilariously bizarre architecture, the ridiculous dart game, the absurd hair (and somewhat suspicious parentage) of little Peter, and the Frankenstein Village board of commerce. I explore the father-son theme and compare it to the previous films and boldly suggest that 47+ years is a long damn time for a monster to be roaming the countryside murdering people without being discovered or getting some kind of name, especially from his decades-long live-in companion.
I also suggest that if your town became famous for having a monster roaming around it, you could make a good buck off that if you market it the right way. And I gratuitously, but only momentarily, compare the Frankensteins to the royal family of England.
TweetAdvancements in clean energy—particularly wind and solar energy—are quickly approaching a tipping point. It won’t be long before wind and solar will be able to compete directly with traditional forms of power generation without the need for subsidies. And when that happens, there will be a sweeping change in Western culture. As soon as clean … Continue reading Clean energy on a smart grid →
Kurt Russell and a bunch of "scientists" take on Rob Bottin and Stan Winston in a remake/readaptation of the 1950s monster flick, The Thing From Outer Space. The Doctor, of Speakeasy Commentaries, joins me for a third time—this time in glorious stereophonic sound. We both love the film and heap praise all over it (even on the dog) and yet fail to credit the original author, John W Campbell, Jr. ("Who Goes There") or even the screen adapter, Bill Lancaster. We address such delicate questions as "who gets assimilated when?" "why keep rotting corpses indoors?" and "what's with Doc Copper's nose ring?" as well as marvel at the number of Vietnam-haunted alcoholic pot-smokers that were sent to live in the Antarctic for months at a time with firearms, dynamite, and flame-throwers.
Liam Nissan and Ewan McDonald's use their laser swords to fight crime in the distant future! Natalie Portman and Keira Knightly are twins! Darth Vader wants to know: "Are you an angel?" A slave boy builds a diplomatic interpreter robot to help his mom do the dishes! The Jedi Council stops at nothing sends one Jedi and his apprentice to uncover the rising Sith menace. An aquatic rabbit bumbles thru the entire movie and wins a robot battle! And WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAACE?!
I edit Mr Plinkett of Red Letter Media into a commentary and interject my own observations and opinions (thereby breaking my pledge never to do a Star Wars commentary) whenever he runs out of things to rant about. Check out the original brilliantly funny and insightful video review of the film and several other terrific videos.
Nick Nolte is a dirty, drunken jerk of a cop who needs Eddie Murphy's help to find a couple of crazy killers loose in San Francisco. I discuss the role of film as a bridge between 1970s cop movies and 1980s cop movies, place it in context with similar films, and examine the unusual structure. I explore how it fits into director Walter Hill's career as well as Nolte's and Murphy's. I pick apart the police procedural aspects, the weak romantic subplots, and the racial themes.
Robin Williams falls into and out of the jungle world of Jumanji, fights a merciless killer, and realizes what it means to become a man (at least the standing-up-to-your-fears part; not so much the winkie-and-hoo-ha part). Join me as I deconstruct the movie's theme of game-as-rite-of-passage and the Alan vs Van Pelt conflict; plan to make contingency plans for bad special effects if I write a screenplay; and laugh at the slow rhino. I also analyze the minor character roles, pick apart the rule that someone has to roll a 5 or 8 when there's only one player left to roll the dice, and try to think of a reason to bury a really cool box full of something really cool so children can eventually find it.
Robert Downey, Jr. is Tony Stark! Tony Stark is Iron Man! Join me as I join The Doctor from Speakeasy Commentaries for the second time for a transoceanic fan commentary from two ridiculous movie/comic book geeks. The Doctor proves to be more of a comic book geek, as he explains the back story and history of Iron Man in the comic books (the storyline "Demon in a Bottle" is the one where Tony confronts his alcoholism). I prove to be more of the movie and music geek, as I explain the plot of A Christmas Story (Ralphie appears as a scientist) and the connection to Ozzy Osbourne (Ozzy sang for Black Sabbath and did the song "Iron Man"). We discuss Robert Downey, Jr. and Jon Favreau's other work and arrest records. We get off track in a discussion of national health care. The Doctor claims they've never shown Gilligan's Island in England. And I claim to be excited by the prospect of a Scarlet Witch movie. However, we are both very excited by the prospect of Iron Man 2 as well as an Avengers movie, especially with Samuel L Jackson.
Michael J Fox leaps into the past in a nuclear-powered Delorean in Steven Spielberg's Robert Zemeckis's 1985 time travel movie to end all time travel movies (except for the two sequels and the cartoon series). I discuss the nature of time travel, point out the links to other films (like 1960's The Time Machine), and blather on at some length about the cars and the history of rock and roll from 1951 to 1955.
Indy is back... uhh... pre-back... back earlier... whatever—in a prequel adventure set one year earlier in Asia, land of mystery and peril! (Before it became the land of cheap toys and tech support.) I compare it to the first and third movies and try to ignore the fourth. I discuss my surprising affection for both Short Round and Willie. I marvel at Lucas and Spielberg's ability to get child torture into a teen adventure film. (The secret: have a child do the torturing!)
I deconstruct the episodic nature of the film and reveal the dullness of the middle part where they're just trudging thru jungle, playing cards, and getting slightly scared by animals. I discuss the problem of stacking all the action at the end, which of course is related. And I point out which characters are actually of no real value.
James Bond has returned in his fourth adventure, this time facing his deadliest foe yet: Spectre, headed by Blofeld, who wants to hold the world ransom for (pinky to lip) one hundred million dollars! I take the story apart, questioning why no one else notices the clues in the photos all the double-0 agents get, how weird and kind of pointless it is that Bond had a fight with the guy Blofeld hired to deliver his audio taped demands, and how weird and kind of pointless it is that Largo hooked up with the sister of the guy he recruited to steal the nuclear bombs. I marvel as Bond dances on a leg with a bleeding gunshot wound. I blither as nameless, faceless men stab each other under water. And I compare the film to the book and somewhat to the later non-Eon remake Never Say Never Again.
Quick: name two of the tallest and most influential people in history/fiction who were forced to confront slavery and the threat of the destruction of their civilization and who had beards. You thought of Abraham Lincoln and Qui-Gon Jinn, didn't you?
Avast and ahoy, matey! There be monsters here! Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas arise out of the '80s to attack a defenseless mega shark and an innocent giant octopus with submarines. Join me as I watch this SyFy channel video nasty for the very first time and marvel at the fake buttons, Ed Wood sets, and hot scientist-on-scientist action. I sing a little Debbie Gibson and call Lorenzo Lamas "Fernando Lamas" a couple of times (they're father and son).
Also, I misquote Jaws and Jerry Maguire* somewhat.
Join me as I take on the greatest '80s action movie of all. Bruce Willis gets the crap beaten out of him as New York cop John McClane. Alan Rickman is terrorist* criminal genius Hans Gruber. Bonnie Bedelia is a big-haired, shoulder-padded chess piece. That one bad guy from The Goonies is one of the incompetent FBI guys that we need more of. That vice-principal guy from The Breakfast Club is one of many, many incompetent cops. Reginald Van Gleason Reginald VelJohnson is the guy who eats the Twinkies and is also an incompetent cop.
I discuss the film as a chess match and compare it to the other Die Hard films and other action films of the era and the eras before and after. I examine why parts of the film are terrible despite the whole being a work of unparalleled genius. And I mock the Eurotrash bad guys from time to time and attempt to straighten out the "Shoot the glass" thing.
Will Smith and a colorless, odorless, brunette battle the evil that is slightly buggy computer programming in this thrilling adaptation of none of Isaac Asimov's thought-provoking works. For this, the big 50th Tysto audio commentary, I am joined by Scott of Speakeasy Commentaries, a big fan of Asimov's work and an expert on science fiction in general. We stumble thru the introductions and then get right to the heart of mocking the product placement and the idea that this robot-filled, self-driving-car, Lake-Michigan-landfill world is only 31 years in the future of 2004. We explore sci-fi in general and Asimov in specific, as well as how terrible a driver Detective Spooner is and whether or not Doctor Lanning's cat is a robot, as well as making some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jokes.
The 1980s was a time when action movies crashed noisily into American culture and seemed to take it over. They created a kind of film that had hardly been seen before; films where cops—for the most part—wreaked holy hell upon bad guys in the name of justice and then made snarky jokes about it.
Alfred Hitchcock presents his first big hit with all the trimmings: the innocent man taking it on the lam, the tough and beautiful blond sparring with him, the quirky humor, and the weird conclusion. Listen as I compare the film to Young and Innocent and North by Northwest, talk about Hitchcock's early work and developing style, joke about the Scottish stereotypes, and stumble over British currency. Plus, you learn what a "crofter" is. Please note, however, that you will not learn what causes pip in poultry or how old Mae West is. Who am I? Mr. Memory?
I love movies and I especially love commentaries. So I got myself a microphone and produced some of my own.
The greatest of great apes is trapped by tiny men and dragged to New York, where he runs amok, all for the affections of a dame. I give a little of the history of the production, point out some of the successes and failings, analyze the structure, and mock the stuntman who gets squashed by a giant ape foot. I frequently compare the film to the 1976 version and occasionally to the 2005 version.
This is kind of a quickie commentary, done without as much post-production as I've been doing lately (no EchoSync). I am joined for the first 15 minutes by my little niece, who doesn't have nearly as much to say here as she did about Paul McCartney in Help.
William Goldman edits Simon Morgenstern's rollicking adventure of pirates and princesses, swordplay and swamps down to "the good parts," and I put all the missing pieces back in, carefully reconstructing the original narrative, in all its gruesome, graphic, weird, and perverse detail. Altho there's no vulgar language, this commentary is rated M for mature.
Among other things from the original Morgenstern version of the story, I explain:
- How Buttercup comes from a family of hookers
- What happened to Westley—and the letters he wrote to Buttercup—while he was on the Revenge
- Where Inigo's father hid the sword so Inigo could still have it
- The many layers of family man, scientist, and charity patron Vizzini
- What Westley's body originally said he had reason to live for
- Who lost what limbs in the course of the story
- How Inigo could take several wounds and yet get stronger
- The truth about Inigo's father's fate
Akira Kurosawa produces a taut samurai adventure of fear, greed, intimidation, theft, bumbling, self-sacrifice, cowardice, courage, betrayal, pantomime, song and dance, attempted rape, and other hilarity in this 1958 mini-epic that famously inspired the Star Wars saga. I detail the connections between the characters and events in this with those in the Star Wars movies, ridicule the central characters, and boldly suggest that this movie needs a villain like Darth Vader, all while avoiding pronouncing almost all the Japanese names or making ethnically insensitive jokes. And I never mention Jar-Jar Binks (ptooh!) once.
Mrs. Frankenstein appears in another of the eight (8!) films she made in 1935 along with her ancient husband and aged childhood playmate in the very first feature-length werewolf movie! Mad botanist (you read that right) Dr. Glendon picks up a social disease in a foreign country and hides it from his wife while he tries to find a cure. Join me as I give the film a gentle ribbing even while admiring its entertaining aspects. I explain the history of werewolf lore and cinema, and I compare it to vampire and Frankenstein stories, not to mention the Hulk. And I disassemble it as a metaphor for serial killers versus a metaphor for puberty. Oh, and I ramble on after the end of the movie for about 10 minutes.
TweetDiscovering that the Tysto site layout was broken in Internet Explorer, I’ve done a lot of experimenting and investigating in the last few days. I’m not fluent enough in CSS to figure out exactly why the layout looked fine in Firefox but the sidebars were misplaced in IE, so I gave up and pulled the … Continue reading New approach →
Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo are forced by evil mad scientist Doctor Forrester to sit and watch the 1955 stink bomb This Island Earth. They make the best of it, assaulting the film with every fiber of their beings in this, their grab at the big-screen brass ring. I make the most of it as well, delivering calm, cool analysis all along the way, such as comparing this film to Citizen Kane and explaining why I'm not commentating on Mystery Science Theater 2000 or Mystery Science Theater 1000.
Join me.
BB Rodriguez engages in a little Time travel to the mid-1960s to look at the Medicare and Medicaid debate and how that all turned out. Turns out: surprisingly well—and in some surprising ways.
Success, alterations, positive side effects, and 130 years of German national health care. Time travel is amazing.
Sergio Leone re-envisions Kurasowa's Yojimbo... and gets the pantoloni sued off him. But nevertheless, he gives the world Clint Eastwood as The Man With No Name (as long as you don't count "Joe", "Manco", or "Blondie" as names). Join me as I directly compare the two films from scene to scene all the way along. But you only need A Fistful of Dollars to enjoy it.
Unlike most of my commentaries, I don't really talk about the actors (other than Eastwood). Instead, I compare the two film-makers' vision and message and address the noir source material. I compare the character of "Joe" with Yojimbo's "Sanjuro." I compare the pacing and the scope of the cinematography. And I compare the plots and plot devices scene-by-scene. I even compare the characters, altho I always focus on Fistful, and I avoid the Japanese names as much as possible.
Andrew Cole examines the strange fascination Joss Whedon seems to have with creating pretty girls with secret powers, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to the girls of The Dollhouse.
TweetI’ve continued to refine the site and make it look and work more like the old site, with the help of some plug-ins and add-in code. I’ve also started converting more articles, which I am giving publishing dates that match the original date of publishing, creating a sort of retroactive archive. I will probably have … Continue reading Further refinements →
The conversion of the site is pretty much complete. All the building blocks are in place. So far, I've converted only one actual article, but more will come. The old site and all the old pages are still available at their old location except for the category pages, which have been moved to an archive folder.
TweetWelcome to the new Tysto. Over the next few weeks, we’ll be converting the look and functionality of this site to the new WordPress engine. In the meantime, you can still access the old site via the archives.
Derek Jensen compares universal health services with universal fire fighting services and police services, with a little history on the insurance industry and a brief examination of universal health care in other industrialized countries.
Saruman dons the cape and fangs for his first turn as the granddaddy of all vampires, Count Dracula, in Hammer's second big horror venture. Grand Moff Tarkin dons pimp gear to take him on as Doctor Van Helsing. Alfred the butler comes along for the ride as Arthur Holmwood. Somehow I remember to mention that Michael Gough played Alfred the butler in the Batman movies but forget to mention that Christopher Lee was in The Lord of the Rings and Peter Cushing was in Star Wars. Pretty girls Middle-aged women fall victim to the charms of the vampire in the dark curiously well-lit night in diaphanous Baptist-approved nightgowns. I try to keep the characters straight and explain how their names were changed from novel to movie. And I discuss anachronisms like blood transfusion and teddy bears. That's right! You never thought you'd get a lesson in the history of teddy bears in a vampire movie, did you?!
The puppy is alive! Alive! Peter Cushing takes up the role of the madman Victor Frankenstein, desperately trying to pursue his life's work of discovering the secret of life while constantly being nagged by his mentor, his fiancee, and his housemaid. Christopher Lee takes up the role of the mute, murderous monster with the greatest brain in Europe. I compare this first big Hammer horror classic extensively with Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein and with the original novel. I speculate on the doctor's youth, or lack thereof, and his disinclination to redecorate for 15 years. And I wax poetic about beaver hats, cravats, and nightgowns with built-in underwire bras.
From "Hercules" to "Gordy Brewer"—and, yes, "Handsome Stranger"—Andrew Cole analyzes all the major film roles of Arnold Schwarzenegger and why so few of them bother to explain why he sounds Austrian—or even have names that half-way fit him. He gives "ludicrosity" ratings to each of the character names and embeds a couple of videos to illustrate.