Wellbeing Wisdom Tiny Bites: Recent Episodes
Sandy Weaver
If you have 90 seconds, you can fuel up on a tiny bite of wellbeing wisdom. C'mon - grab a tiny bite!!
Think of your energy as an old-fashioned wellspring, and of a few people in your life – you know who they are! – who dip their bucket in way too many times, draining you dry. They demand more than you can comfortably provide, neglecting the value of the precious water you generously offer.
Time to cap off that well, at least for those few who abuse your generous nature.
Your time is a precious resource – your energy is a precious resource – your heart is a precious resource, and just like water in a bucket, these few people are dipping into your resources far too often. If they flood your day with calls and texts, construct a simple response: "I'll be available later today."
Don’t elaborate – you don’t have to. And “be available later today” only if you can be. If not, then when they show up with their empty bucket, let them know that today isn’t their day and they can try again tomorrow. Maintain an air of detachment, applying this shield consistently whenever they invade your boundary.
At first, guilt may gnaw at your resolve, and you can bet they won’t be happy with you. Be consistent and remember – those who complain most about your boundaries are the very people that made you set them.
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Picture yourself as a sailor on a vast, uncharted sea, feeling adrift with no clear course ahead.
Oh, maybe you’ve felt like that before? We all have.
There's a destination you yearn to reach, but the water is rough and hard to navigate. Instead of focusing on the waves, let your gaze rise to the starry night sky above, and let your mind play with why.
Why are you on this journey, and why are you the chosen captain for this voyage? Think of your strengths and how you’ll feel when you reach your destination. Will you stand tall with pride? Will you celebrate with the rest of the crew? Will you share the wisdom gained on the voyage with those who wish they had your courage and your ship?
As you focus on the possibilities, you may find that the waters have calmed, and you have newfound clarity. Now you're no longer stranded; you're on a purposeful voyage, sailing toward your dreams.
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Where are you in the pathway to success you’ve dreamed for yourself?
Imagine your life as a symphony, and within this magnificent composition, you are first chair, playing your exquisite instrument. We're often taught to appreciate the crescendos, the thunderous applause, and the spotlight of success.
Yet, in this symphony, it’s the subtle, harmonious notes you contribute that leads to the crescendos, applause, and success. It's in the gentle smile to a passing stranger, the act of helping someone in need, and the attentive ear lent to a friend who’s hurting or needs advice.
Purpose is not a solo performance, though you can shine that way, too. Purpose is also in the countless, melodious notes and phrases that you offer each day, playing them so easily you don’t even notice them anymore.
Today, take a moment to embrace these countless notes, because they compose the beautiful, intricate melody of your life's purpose.
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Who brings magic into your life?
You don’t have to be best friends with David Copperfield to experience magical moments. Think about who surprises you. Think about who you laugh with a lot. Think about who inspires you, and that you learn from. Think about the person who learns from you.
All those people you just thought about are sprinkling little bits of magic into your life by being part of it, whether or not you have thought of it that way before. Now, think about the people on your list of magic-bringers that you’ve known for less than a year. Thirteen months ago, you didn’t even know those people existed, and now here they are, making your life better. Fast-forward twelve months – who will you meet in the coming year that will bring even more magic into your life?
Write down the names of the people you’ve thought about – the people who bring magic into your life – and when you’re having a down day, take out the list and think about them. That will probably give your spirits a boost – if you want even more good feelings, reach out to someone on the list and go do something with them.
There are always magical people – focus on them any time you feel the need for a magical mood shift.
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Are you familiar with the concept of “flow state” or being in the zone? That’s what happens when you are completely engrossed in doing one thing.
When you’re in flow state, it can feel like time is standing still and like the rest of the world doesn’t even exist for you in that moment. You’re not worried, stressed, or anxious – you’re happily, thoroughly absorbed in what you’re doing.
It’s like the task you’re involved in is a river and you’re dancing on top, being carried downstream effortlessly while you create a beautiful performance. The river would just be the river without your dance, and you wouldn’t effortlessly make progress without the river’s current.
You can’t always put yourself into flow state, and you can do things which could help you enter flow state more often. First, remember times you’ve been in the zone before – what did those times have in common? Make a list of everything you can think of – indoors or out? Quiet or noisy? If there was music, what kind?
How can you duplicate those circumstances when you want to encourage flow state? The more you practice, the better you’ll become at dancing on your river, at work and in your everyday life.
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Do you have co-workers or do you have friends? Hopefully you don’t have enemies at work!
If you’re like most people, some of the people you work with are friends, and most are co-workers. How different would going to work feel if more of your co-workers felt like friends?
It doesn’t take a lot to foster a more positive relationship with co-workers, because you already start off with something big in common – you spend your work hours at the same place, maybe even doing a lot of the same things.
A big step towards more positivity is to look at your co-workers as people whose skills complement your skills instead of as competition. You all bring something unique to the workplace – see if you can find out what that could be. Chances are you and your co-workers have more in common than just your workplace.
When you are interested in them as people, they’ll likely feel the same about you. Now you’ve fostered a better, more positive relationship which could well become a new friendship.
Do this with another co-worker, and then another, and like a quilt, you will have stitched together something beautifully functional. That’s guaranteed to make you feel better about going to work each day, right?
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When someone says something and you instantly take offense, you have just given your power away to that person.
Wait – what?
Yep, whenever you react without thinking, you’ve demonstrated that the event or person who caused the reaction is more powerful than you. Let’s say you always get mad when you’re driving behind a van or truck. Why wouldn’t you be mad? After all, you can’t see through the vehicle in front of you, and you feel boxed in.
Does the driver of the other vehicle even know you’re angry? No.
Would they care, even if they did? No.
Why should they care? After all, they’ve chosen the vehicle they need to carry the things or people they need to carry. Their vehicle choice has nothing to do with you, and your anger has nothing to do with them.
Use your brain’s executive function – the ability to observe your reaction and change it – to choose a different way to feel and behave next time you get behind a van or truck, or whatever sets you off. Play with this technique, and see how powerful you feel, now that you’re the one in charge of you.
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Are you doubting yourself?
Imposter syndrome is endemic in our society – media is constantly reminding us we’re not thin enough or pretty enough or curvy enough or smart enough or whatever enough, and sadly, many people buy into those impossible-to-live-up-to standards.
When you find yourself feeling less than, or not up to the challenge of doing something you want to do, stop.
- Remind yourself of how far you’ve come.
- Remind yourself of the many things you couldn’t do before and can do now.
- Remind yourself that life is an endless process of learning and growing and you’ve been good at that your entire life.
When an opportunity comes to you and that voice inside your head starts telling you all the reasons you’ll fail, remember this – the opportunity wouldn’t have come if you hadn’t demonstrated the ability to grow into it.
Do you want it? Then say “yes” and tell the voice inside your head to stand back and watch you succeed, because you will.
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Want to become a great leader? And what does being a great leader mean to you?
If you lead a team or want to lead a team, you owe it to the people you lead to be the kind of leader they need. What the heck does that mean?
The Gallup team condensed the capabilities of a great leader into four key attributes: trust, compassion, stability, and hope. People need someone they feel trusts them and whom they can trust, a sense of mutual respect and caring, the knowledge that the leader walks their talk, and someone who can instill a vision for the future plus show them the path to get there.
How can you become that leader? Use your brain’s executive function to improve your skills, knowledge, and mental wellbeing. Your executive function is your ability to observe your own thoughts and decide if they are thoughts that will help you grow or keep you stuck. Here's the key – you are the only person who can do this for yourself, because you are the only person who can observe your own thoughts.
Ready to be a great leader? Let your executive function lead the way!
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There are a lot of ways to cope with a painful experience. Some people cry for days, some people lash out at anyone who tries to help, some people self-medicate with food or sex or drugs, and some people withdraw into themselves, waiting for the pain to subside.
What’s the right way to cope with a painful experience? Find a way to distract yourself until you regain your balance – take a walk, take a bath, take a pen and write out how you’re feeling. Get some exercise, go to a movie and lose yourself for a couple of hours, give yourself a pep talk in the mirror. Meditate, make a to-do list, make an appointment with a therapist.
The right way to cope with a painful experience is to do what helps you feel better, moment by moment, not what makes you feel worse. Crying for days keeps you stuck in the pain, plus it makes your face look funny. Lashing out at friends and family isolates you. Binging on food, sex, or drugs might feel good in the moment – later on you’ll kick yourself for your weakness.
Get up, get moving, get help – they’ll all help you get better.
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Many people dream of doing something that they never do.
Why? Because they don’t believe in their ability to achieve that dream. It could be because they were raised by people who believed in hard work, not dreams. It could be because they have been told by people they hold in high regard that their dream can’t ever happen. It could be because they don’t believe in themselves, so why should they believe in their dream?
The root cause of the disbelief doesn’t really matter – the end result is that they want something that they never achieve. Do you want that to be you? Yeah…me neither!
Dreams are wonderful to dream, and even more wonderful when they become real enough to experience. Dream your dream. Journal about it, make vision boards about it, pray about it – whatever feels right to you, focus on your dream and do it. You don’t have to know how what you dream of can become reality, you just have to enjoy your dream.
When you savor the dream in your mind on a regular basis, your brain will begin to believe in your ability to achieve it. What dream will you focus on today?
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I was raised by a wonderful woman who unintentionally taught me a lesson that didn’t serve me, just as it didn’t serve her very well.
People loved her – I can’t count the number of times I heard, “your mom is so kind – butter wouldn’t even melt in her mouth.” It’s true that she very rarely said a bad thing about anyone because she did look for the best motives in even the worst events. That’s a good habit to get into and will help you feel calmer and more at ease in the world.
The companion habit – biting your tongue to keep the peace – isn’t so good, even though it might seem to be helpful. Not voicing an opinion about something that matters to you is a double-edged sword: you hurt yourself by not speaking up, and you hurt the relationship between you and the person you’re not speaking up to by not showing them who you really are. If you’re afraid they won’t like you, consider this: they already don’t like you, they like the fictional person you’re showing them.
You’re allowed to have opinions and feelings and desires – have them and share them, because that makes it more likely that you’ll live them.
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What do you want in life that feels like it’s eluding you? A relationship, career advancement, improved finances?
Most of us have things that we long for, dream about, wish for, and never seem to be able to achieve. Sometimes the drive to bang this piece of our life into place feels all-consuming, and we focus on making it happen instead of focusing on the other important aspects of our life.
Know anyone who is so focused on finding their life partner that they neglect their friends and family? Yeah…sadly, most of us know at least one person like that.
There was a Brazilian writer named Mario Quintana who wrote, “Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies. Mend your garden, and the butterflies will come.”
This is easy to understand if we’re just talking about butterflies and flowers, and can be tougher to remember when what we’re talking about feels vital to our personal happiness or success. Yet the principle is the same: create the atmosphere in your life for the thing you want and it will come to you. Improve your skills and leadership abilities, and career advancement and improved finances will come. Focus on being the best version of you that you can be and the friends and partner you long for will come.
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Are you feeling uninspired and listless? Maybe you feel grumpy, a bit light-headed, or unfocused?
Drink water right now.
You’ve probably heard that the body is about 60% water – it’s a rough average, depending on your body type and gender. The brain is about 75% water – that’s all of us, no exceptions.
When you’re even just 1% low on water in your body, brain function declines sharply while pain in the body increases. If you’re prone to headaches, maybe even daily headaches, this is a common side effect of dehydration. Researchers are divided as to whether pain in other parts of the body actually increases as the level of hydration decreases, or whether a person’s perception of the pain increases. I don’t want to feel pain, and I’m pretty sure you don’t either, and feeling grumpy, unfocused, and uninspired is not a good way to go through the day.
Drink water. Drink water regularly to keep dehydration symptoms from showing up, and when you notice that you’re a little “off” drink water right then, too. If you’re pooh-poohing this, that’s OK – drink water anyway and I promise not to say I told you so when you feel better. ;)
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Are you feeling limp today? Make decisions.
It doesn’t really matter what you make decisions about, just decide.
- Jeans or pants today?
- Pullover or button down?
- Chocolate or pink lipstick?
- Flats or heels?
- Home brew or drive-through?
Decide something. Anything.
Making decisions keeps you focused in the present, and being present helps you notice what’s going on around you. When you notice what’s going on around you, your mind gets engaged in thinking about the events and all the options. That can be stressful, so to counteract the stress just decide. Then decide again.
There is such a thing as decision fatigue – the brain makes better decisions earlier in the day, and when you have a day where you’ve had to make too many decisions, you can end up feeling wrung out.
When you start the day feeling that way, though, just decide. And then decide again. You’ll jump-start your coping skills and create the mental atmosphere for success.
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You know I’m a nerd, right? I love to study emerging science where our bodies and brains are concerned. We’re so complex that researchers literally learn new things about us all the time.
One of the ongoing areas of study is fear contagion and how one person can pick up the fear of another so quickly and so intensely that they go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, matching the mode the other person exhibits.
This is a survival impulse so hard-wired into our brains that we don’t even realize what we’re doing until the perceived emergency has passed. How do we feel the fear of another person?
Turns out, we smell it at about the same time that we sense it in our gut. The other person emits pheromones which our noses sense, while at the same time receptors in our intestinal tract fire off what appear to be warnings to similar receptors in our brains.
Next time you feel fear or anxiety and aren’t really sure what you’re afraid of, look around – if you’re in the company of a fearful person, you could be picking up on their fear, not your own.
To ease that anxiety in yourself, remember what you’ve just learned, and maybe move away from that fearful person.
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Do you lead a team? It could be a team at work, a group of volunteers, a family unit – no matter what kind of team leader you are, remember this: your team members are not you.
Let me say that again – your team members are not you.
This is an asset to the team, and I mean no disrespect to you when I tell you that. You have your unique set of skills, strengths, and passions. Guess what? Everyone on your team does, too, and theirs are not the same as your unique set.
It’s very easy to expect others to react to things like we would, to solve problems like we would, and to have the same work ethic we do. They don’t. They’re not you or me. Instead of expecting them to think and act like you, discover their unique set of skills, strengths, and passions, and encourage them to use them.
When people are encouraged to solve problems using their own abilities and enthusiasm, the whole team benefits.
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Who are you? Are you the person your mother sees? The person your partner sees? The person your friends see? The person your boss sees?
The correct answer is – none of the above.
You are none of those people and yet you are pieces of all of those people. Everyone sees you through their own life experiences, their past interactions with you and others, and the mood they happen to be in at the moment they’re seeing you. They’re all catching glimpses of you, and yet not one single one of them knows who you really are.
You are how you felt about each and every one of your life experiences. You are how you felt when your parents loved you and when they didn’t. You are how you processed life when you were a year old, 7 years old, 13 years old, and five minutes ago.
You are not your body yet you are how you react to your body and use your body and feel about your body. You are the sum total of your experiences, how you felt about them, and what you learned from them. You are the definition of complicated and unique and wonderful. No one in your life knows who you are except you, and your knowledge is powerful.
Don’t let anyone take that power away by telling you who you’re supposed to be.
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Is it time to remind you about now again?
It’s OK – most of us forget about how powerful now is because we have this lifelong habit of time-traveling.
We travel backwards in time, remembering things that happened to us days, months, and sometimes even decades ago, trying to work out in our heads how things could have been different. We think that if we’d done things differently, our life today would be easier.
We travel forwards in time, looking to the day when we finally…whatever…fill in the blank. Finally graduate, finally land our dream job, finally find the love of our life, finally have a house and family. We think that when the dream comes true, then we’ll actually be a success and deserve to be happy.
Time traveling is detrimental to your success because it removes your attention from the only place in your life you have any power to do anything – right now. Now is when you can feel happiness. Now is when you can celebrate your success. Now is the only time in your life that you have any power to do anything at all.
When you feel yourself time-traveling, pull yourself back to now and see what you’ve been missing.
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When you were 8, your attention and affection was easy to get and hold. A new toy, game, or maybe electronic gadget would make you delighted with the person who gave it to you and enthralled in the fun of discovery.
You’re not 8 anymore, and what delighted you then may not delight you now. I know if someone handed me a dollhouse kit and offered to put it together with me, I’d be happy with the gesture and less than enthusiastic about dropping everything to build something I’ll never use.
Now let’s think about relationships – friendships, family ties, and romantic partners. Haven’t those relationships needed to evolve as you have evolved, too? What we valued in a relationship at 8 has grown, morphed, and deepened as we’ve come to understand ourselves more…right?
If you haven’t really thought about relationships this way before, give yourself ten minutes or so today to jot down how you’ve changed and grown emotionally since you were a child, and think about what the more mature you values in people now. Think about who you are now and how you can honor that person by expecting more from your family, friends, and romantic partners.
You’ve grown…let your relationships grow and blossom, too.
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Do you usually feel fairly confident in your ability to get through life? Fairly confident in the work you do, in the relationships you have, in the life you have?
Or do you often feel anxious – anxious about your skills, the quality of your partnership, maybe even the direction your life is taking?
Self-confidence is such an important attribute, yet few people focus on cultivating their sense of self, and this can gut your success in life, no matter how you define success.
- If you’re unsure of yourself, others will be unsure of you, too.
- If you don’t trust yourself, others won’t trust you, either.
- If you’re not confident in yourself, others won’t be confident in you either.
You don’t have to be super-confident – fairly confident will do. When you’re feeling anxiety about doing something new, remember this: you’ve done new things every day of your life up to today, and you’ve succeeded at most of them. You might as well try this, too – at worst, you’ll learn how not to do it, and at best, you’ll succeed.
Life is a win-win – get out there and confidently live it!
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Are you feeling perfect today? Perfect in your look, perfect in your behavior, perfect in your knowledge, perfect in your whole life?
No? Welcome to the real world, where no one is perfect and it’s OK.
Are you feeling the need to feel perfect, or at least seem perfect to those around you?
Yes? Welcome to the dungeon you’ve put yourself in, and only you hold the key to release yourself from it.
In the real world, no one is perfect and it’s OK. If we were born knowing everything, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to learn. If we didn’t make mistakes, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to grow. So why do so many of us expect ourselves to be perfect?
Because we want to make others happy and proud.
Do you remember a time when someone asked for your help with something they didn’t know how to do, and how happy and proud you were to be able to help them learn? When you can remember to ask for help with something, you offer others that same happy and proud feeling.
There are many ways to make others happy and proud with you and of you without making yourself crazy by trying to be perfect.
Welcome to the real world, where no one is perfect and it’s perfectly OK.
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Is there someone in your life who has to be there – a parent or a sibling or a boss – who behaves in a way that’s upsetting to you?
It can be very hard to be around some people, especially when we feel there’s no way to not be around them, and still maintain a sense of wellbeing. You can do it, and it may take a lot of mental gymnastics to accomplish it. Your wellbeing is worth it, though, right?
Here’s one way to help yourself feel better around challenging people: study them. Yep, pay attention to how they behave and make up stories in your head about how they learned to behave like that. For instance, if you have a co-worker who likes to make pointed remarks about your looks that feel like daggers to you, what if she had a parent who did that to her when she was growing up? How would you have felt to be 8 years old, delighted with the dress you had on, and hearing nothing but disapproval from the lips of someone you loved? Ouch, right?
When you can make up a compassionate reason for your co-worker’s bad behavior, you can make it about them, not about you. And that feels so much better!
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This Tiny Bite is true in all kinds of situations.
You’re not in control.
You can’t control another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behavior. You can make them appear to be in compliance, and if they have to do what you tell them to do, they will. But if they’re doing it against their own judgement or wishes, they won’t be in your life very long, whether they’re an employee or a romantic partner.
You can’t control their loyalty, either. That’s their gift to give to you, and they can take it away whenever they choose.
You can’t control another person’s honesty. Heck, the people who raised us taught us to be selectively dishonest when we wanted to do something we knew they didn’t want us to do, and yet we didn’t want them to think badly of us or punish us. We did it anyway and found a stealthy way to hide it.
You are in control of your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. When you remember this and choose a clear, consistent, kind, way of treating people, you can inspire them to the best of who they can be in your life.
That’s your control. Use it wisely.
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Do you ever have days when you doubt yourself? When you feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong and you’re powerless to make things go right?
Hopefully you don’t have too many days like that, and hopefully it’ll help you feel better to know that we all have those kinds of days.
On days like that, there are two things that can lift you out of the funk: your focus and your friends. And if you have the right friends, they can help you shift your focus.
It’s normal to feel like you’re in a tailspin on bad days – brains are wired to show us the potential pitfalls of our thoughts and actions as a way to help us survive. You can over-rule your brain’s wiring system by shifting what you choose to focus on.
Your brain wants to focus negatively. Stop and think about what would be a more positive way to focus. If you can go for a walk outside for ten minutes, do it, and let the fresh air and nature lift your spirits. If you have a friend who can usually be counted on for fun, call them.
When life is dishing up a feeling of “down in the dumps” use your focus and your friends to lift your spirits back up where they belong.
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Who has power in your life?
For most of us, the answer isn’t very clear. We hope it’s us, and then we start thinking about the powerful others – the boss, the significant other, the mortgage company…!
If you’re someone who does a lot of explaining, you’re giving your power away. For instance, if you’re late to a meeting and you apologize and explain that traffic was awful, you’ve just given your power away. Instead of explaining, try this instead – “Thank you for waiting.” You acknowledge your tardiness in a more powerful way, and it’s one that acknowledges the person or people who have waited for you.
If you’re someone who holds grudges, you’re giving your power away to the people you resent. Instead of replaying that tired old movie in your head, continuing to feel justified in your hurt, anger, and resentment, try this instead – forgive them. You don’t have to tell them you forgive them, but as long as you let them dictate your feelings towards them, they have power over you.
Forgive them, and let go of their power over you.
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When someone challenges you, argues with you, or is rude to you, how do you respond? Do you instantly volley back? Do you take a moment to think about the best thing to say? Do you – can you – look at them in silence?
It’s true that a spoken reply is usually necessary, especially if it’s someone you deal with daily. Keeping the peace in a family, friendship, or work relationship is important, and it’s good to remember that keeping your personal dignity intact is important, too.
When someone is talking to you or treating you in a way that is disrespectful or rude, remember this – silence is a very powerful response. It can be tough to stand silent, and from the other person’s point of view, it makes you look tough.
Practice silence in the face of disrespect – it’s easier to begin with strangers, so when someone cuts you off in traffic, instead of getting angry and yelling at your windshield, get slightly stiff and completely silent. When someone makes a disparaging remark about your clothes or politics or other part of you that’s important to you, get slightly stiff and completely silent.
Practicing this with strangers allows you to be ready when you need the silent treatment with a family member, friend, or co-worker. Silence is a very powerful response, and will make the offender less likely to take you on again.
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Every day is a new and different day.
I know – that sounds kind of like a “well, no duh!” statement, and on the surface, it is.
Think about how you treat each day, though, and maybe it can help you see that statement at a deeper level. Most of us live a lot of our lives on autopilot – brains love patterns, so we allow our brains to run a lot of our day through the patterns of our lives.
- We sleep on the same side of the bed.
- We do things in the same order when we get out of bed in the morning.
- We move into the meat of our day without thinking about what might be ahead of us.
We take for granted that today will be like yesterday, which was like the day before. What if you slept on the other side of the bed? What if you chose to add something to your morning routine to make it not so routine? What if you spent a few minutes anticipating what your day might hold, and thinking about what you hope will happen today?
Every day is a new and different day, and every day is special, but only if you let it be. How can you let today be special for you?
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When you were a child, what did you dream of being when you grew up? For most of us, those dreams changed a lot – 6-year-old you might have wanted to be a superhero, 8-year-old you wanted to be a police officer, and maybe 18-year-old you dreamed of medical school on your first day as an undergrad.
How do you feel about those dreams now, and what do you want to be now?
Can you think of your dreams as still coming true? Maybe you dreamed of becoming a veterinarian and now you’re a veterinarian, so you feel that you accomplished your dream and need another dream. Can you still think of yourself as “becoming a veterinarian” – becoming a better diagnostician, becoming a better surgeon, becoming a better leader of your team, becoming a better whatever piece of your profession that you like best?
When you can hold your dreams up, examine them, and see how they fit – or don’t – in your current life, you remember that you do have dreams, and your dreams are important. Give yourself a few minutes today and ask yourself this: what do you dream of being now that you’re grown up?
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Do you lead a team, and someone on that team is struggling? Have you tried to coach them, only to see the struggle continue?
Consider their personal financial life, because financial stress can have a significant impact on an employee's well-being and work performance. It might look like decreased productivity, anxiety, distractedness, poor relationships with co-workers, and even poor physical and mental health.
When they’re struggling financially, they might be at the end of their resilience, meaning that anything else that feels stressful can cause lashing out or even walking off the job completely.
You can help someone in financial stress by first considering it as a possibility, and then looking into resources your company or other organizations offer. Financial counselling, mental health resources, and flexible working arrangements could make the difference between keeping someone who was once valuable to the team and having to find someone to replace them.
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Do you find it hard to apologize? Many people do, and yet a simple, sincere apology is one of the best ways to get along with people.
Stuff happens every day, and sometimes a mistake one person makes causes problems in the life of another person. Fender-benders are a great example – not a huge problem because nobody got hurt, but an inconvenience having to deal with getting a police report, getting the insurance paperwork done, and getting the damage fixed.
In a situation like that, instead of a civilized conversation, it’s more common that a confrontation happens as one driver gets out of the car, surveys the damage, and proceeds to treat the other driver like they caused the accident on purpose. When the at-fault driver can choose to respond calmly, with a sincere apology and desire to make things right, very often the conversation calms down.
Think about times in your life where a simple apology would have eased a tough situation. And next time you are in a position where you’re a little bit at fault, or maybe even a lot, remember the power of a simple apology.
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Do you love to read? As a child I devoured books – Mom loved to read and set a great example for me.
Even if you’re not a voracious reader, you’ve probably read a book or two in your life, right? The story spins, page by page, until all the threads combine to create a lovely tapestry.
Want to feel more in charge of your life and less anxious about things that aren’t as you want them to be? Use your imagination. Your life is the book… the seasons of your life are the chapters…each day is a page.
The only way to read the book is to turn the pages. That’s what’s meant by “enjoy the journey”…savor each day, knowing it’s part of the magnificent book of you. And when you’re on a page that doesn’t feel good, remember that just like in those books you’ve read, the story can be completely different with just the turn of a page.
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Does your workplace bring out the softness in you or the survival in you?
Think about it – when you step through the doors in the morning, are you feeling optimistic or defensive? Do you look for cooperation or cut-throats? These are extremes, and it’s still a good mental exercise to do every few months.
Think about who you are at work – is it who you want to be? Are you learning and growing, and feeling useful and appreciated? Can you see a career path? Or are you feeling a bit stagnant, maybe caught in a political whirlpool, and often at odds with those around you? Does your workplace make you feel comfortable and safe, or in a state of conflict and self-protection?
Jobs aren’t forever, and if yours doesn’t feel the way you want it to feel, you don’t have to stay. Explore your options – if you have a pulse and are taking some breaths, you always have options. Look for a situation that brings out your softness, not your survival mode.
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Do you have a life partner? Do you love them? Do you give them the benefit of the doubt, and do you look for the best aspects of them, appreciating them out loud now and then?
That’s one of the best ways to keep love alive and thriving, and most people get it right most of the time. By assuming the best intentions instead of the worst, by appreciating their strengths instead of focusing on their weaknesses, and by reminding them how special they are to you, you show them how well you love them.
Do you love yourself as well as you love your partner? Do you kick yourself for not knowing how to do something perfectly the first time? Do you focus on your weaknesses and where you made a misstep? Does that little voice inside your head remind you of every time you got it wrong instead of cheering when you get it right?
How would your partner feel if you talked to them the same way the voice inside your head talks to you?
Yeah – that’s how you feel, too. Next time that voice inside your head says something you’d never say to someone you love, remember to love yourself well enough to tell it to shut up.
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Where are you headed in your life? Are you hoping for a fairy-tale relationship, or a dream house, or a career where you’re of service and completely satisfied? Do you think that once you have those things you want in your life, you’ll finally be happy?
News flash - life doesn’t lead to a destination. Life is the destination. You create the journey, you set the goals you want to achieve, and you choose the path to them.
Along the way, you’ll have collaborators in your story, some who will help you and some who will feel like they’re nothing but an annoying obstacle.
You may have a fairy-tale relationship with someone who turns out to be an annoying obstacle, and yet the fairy-tale was there for a while. Trust that you learned from that one and will find an even better fairy-tale next time. Your first house is rarely your dream house – trust that the next one will come closer. And know that you serve people through the example you set for them and the compassion you show to them – you don’t need a perfect career to serve people.
There is no destination – life is the destination, so go out there and have fun in it!
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Do you know you are the boss of your life?
- No one else has lived your experiences.
- No one else has learned what you know. No one can see you the way you see you.
- No one can know what’s right for you the way you know what’s right for you.
And yet so many of us allow others to decide how we’ll behave, how we should feel about things like religion, politics, and even our own selves. We look to our spouses or friends or bosses or peers to see how they’re doing things, feeling about things, and what they’re saying about things.
The drive to conform is a normal human feeling, and yet when you value conformity over what you really feel, deep inside, you gut your own sense of self-worth and self-mastery.
You are the boss of your life. Remember that the next time you are tempted to “go along to get along.” Go your own way. It’s so much more fulfilling!
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Think back to when you were a child – did you love to feel free? Adventurous? Like you were creating the story and starring in it at the same time?
Most people can say “yes” to all those questions. At some point you felt free. At some point you loved the adventure of what you were doing. At some point your wonderful imagination transported you from where your physical body was into a fanciful place where you ruled as the benevolent prince or princess.
Now think about your life now – do you feel as free, adventurous, and in charge of your life as you want to feel?
I hope you can answer “yes” and it’s OK if you can’t. Most of us don’t feel those feelings as much as we’d like, and yet most of us forget to use our wonderful imaginations to transport us to those feelings. Instead, we wait for the weekend, or for vacation, or for when we hit the lottery to give ourselves permission to feel free, frivolous, and fun. We go along to get along. We try not to rock the boat. We try to blend in.
We aren’t here to blend in, we’re here to experience our lives fully. If you long to feel free, adventurous, and maybe even a little magical, think about how you can create that in your life today.
You’re in charge of your feelings – shape them as you want them to be and watch your life conform.
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Are you a responder or a thinker?
Think carefully – don’t respond right away. And that’s kind of the point of this Tiny Bite. ;)
Most people simply respond to the world around them. If something happens they don’t like, they respond negatively. If something happens they do like, they respond positively.
Sounds pretty normal, right? Here’s the pitfall – when all you’re doing is responding to what’s going on around you, you’re not in charge of your life or your feelings.
When you choose to think before you respond, you exert control over those responses. For example, let’s say you keep getting caught at red lights and feel like steam is about to come out of your ears. Instead of blowing your top, shift your attention – look at what’s around you for things that are beautiful, interesting, or funny.
Find small details you’ve never noticed before that you have time to look for now that you’re stopped at the light. I guarantee that when you arrive at your destination, you’ll be in a much better mood when you focus on the details instead of on the inconvenience of the red lights.
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Are you feeling burned out at work lately?
Burnout usually happens when your work hours are long and you’re in a high-stress position. According to the World Health Organization, symptoms of burnout are chronic low energy levels, feelings of distance or negativity about your job, and a feeling of cynicism about the difference you make through the work you do.
Burnout has far more to do with your own mental outlook than it does with your working conditions, and while that might sound accusatory, I want you to feel your own power in conquering burnout.
Using just a few simple wellbeing tools each day, you have the power to banish burnout and regain your passion for your work. Put these three tools to work for you each day: quiet your mind for 15 minutes every day, ideally at the start of your day; call a mentor or friend each day to just touch base or ask for advice; shift your mental focus from the deficiencies of your team members to their strengths.
When you can incorporate these three wellbeing tools to your day successfully, you’ll be astonished at how much better and more positive you’ll feel about the work you’re doing.
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Is there a bully in your midst? Sadly, bullying in the workplace is as common as bullying in elementary, junior, and high school.
- Is it because no one ever taught the bullies how to better manage their own low self-esteem issues? Perhaps.
- Is it because no one they bullied ever fought back? Perhaps.
- Is it because whoever manages the bully in your workplace was bullied as a child themselves and doesn’t know how to manage the current bully any better than they managed their childhood one? Perhaps.
In the workplace, bullying tactics like verbal abuse, intimidation, and exclusion affect not only the targeted person, they also affect the entire team. If you’re a team lead, be sure your company has policies in place to address workplace bullying quickly, and make sure that everyone on the team knows you’re on it.
As a leader, it’s up to you to address the bully quickly and effectively. Be direct and let the bully know that the behavior you’ve seen or heard about is not appropriate and you won’t tolerate it going forward. If they deny doing anything, don’t agree or disagree, simply repeat that you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior on your team.
The ball is in the bully’s court – either they get ship-shape or you need to ship them out for the success and wellbeing of the rest of your team.
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Do you know or work with someone who seems to have a negative perception of themselves? Maybe they avoid social situations and activities, keep their eyes and sometimes even their head down, and might mumble when responding to questions or requests for input?
Those are classic signs of someone with low self-esteem. They’re not anti-social – as a matter of fact, they often crave social interaction and don’t know how to ask to be included, or may feel unworthy of being included.
You can help that person blossom, and it’s generally easier than you think: ask for their input, be genuinely interested in the answer, and appreciate their input out loud. Include them in lunch plans. Bring them a cup of coffee or their favorite beverage now and then.
If you think you might have low self-esteem, know that you can raise your own self-esteem by internally arguing with the negative voices in your head, volunteering for a cause you believe strongly in, and by making a list of the things you’re really good at and reviewing and adding to that list each day.
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When I was a kid, I’d often ask Dad what he was doing. “Wrestling alligators” was often his answer.
Of course we didn’t keep a pit of alligators around, just waiting for him to be ready to wrestle – it was his light-hearted way of beginning an explanation. Usually I ended up learning something about soldering or tinkering with a car engine or trouble-shooting a plumbing problem.
When you’re figuratively wrestling alligators at work, especially if you’re a team leader, a light-hearted response to a question is a good way to open up communication, inviting questions. Like wrestling actual alligators, some people have a very hard time asking how to do something. Maybe they feel like they should already know, or maybe they don’t like to admit they don’t know something.
When you can set a light tone at the beginning of a teaching moment, you make it easier for others to take risks in order to achieve success.
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When you were 10, what was your dream for your life? How about when you were 18, and 25? How have those dreams worked out for you, or have you morphed them into new dreams?
Our dreams usually change as we learn more about what the reality will be when we achieve them. When I was 7, I wanted to be a nurse. Then I learned what nurses do, and I still loved nurses and decided I didn’t want to be one.
When you are today years old, what is your dream? Seriously – what is your dream for your life? If you have to stop and think about it, then please let yourself dream. It’s easy, once we become adults with adult responsibilities, to forget to dream about what we want from life.
Find a few minutes each day to think about your life and your wishes for it to grow and change. Treat your dreams like a delicious dessert – savor them in the privacy of your mind, thinking about them as if they’ve already happened for you. Live inside your dream for a few minutes each day, trying to smell the aromas, hear the sounds, touch the objects – treat them all as if they’re real.
Let your dreams dance and morph and change as they need to so they feel perfectly real and perfectly delightful. Treat yourself to your dreams again, and let them be the movie of your life.
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I was tagged in a FB post the other day – it was about the power of words and was vaguely magical. It said, “Words cast spells – that’s why it’s called spelling.”
The meme made me laugh, and it also got me thinking about the power of words. They can sometimes feel magical and like you’re casting a spell with them. The magic works both ways, though – it can be beneficial or quite harmful, depending on the words you use, or sometimes just on your tone of voice.
When you say “thank you” to me and I respond with a nonchalant “no problem” I’ve just dismissed your gratitude. You might think twice before ever thanking me again. If I’d responded with “it was truly my pleasure” or “you are most welcome – glad I could help you” it probably would feel better to you, right?
Before you say something the way you usually say it, think about the words – are they casting the kind of spell on the other person you want them to? If not, think of the words you could say that would make the person feel the way you want them to feel.
Words cast spells – use them intentionally.
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Do you work in a space that feels confining to you? Let me share a story from many years ago.
I worked in an 8 foot by 8 foot room that was stuffed with racks on two walls, making the room effectively 7 by 7 feet square. Now add equipment that sat in built-in cabinets on the other two walls, taking up three feet on each side. Now my workspace was 4 feet by 4 feet.
Wait – there was a diagonal cabinet cutting that space in half, so now I’ve got a triangle that my rolling chair barely fits in and a door that opens outward behind me.
That space was confining, for sure!
If you work in a space where you feel like you barely have room to breathe, maybe what my boss shared with me way back then will work for you now, too – your brain has no boundaries. Your thoughts have no boundaries. Your ideas have no boundaries. Your imagination has no boundaries. When you’re tempted to be irritated with the tight space, unleash your thoughts on something more fun. It will help you cope with the feeling of confinement, I promise!
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When you’re faced with doing something you’ve never done before, does it make you nervous? Anxious? Frightened? Or intrigued? Anticipatory? Excited?
It’s pretty common to dip into the less-happy emotions when trying something new, and it’s good to get your thoughts worked around to a more-happy state of mind before you actually begin.
Think back to when you were learning things as a child – everything was new, so more things felt like adventures. As you got older and had more people telling you to be cautious or careful or spouting all the scenarios that would end in some sort of failure for you, it became harder to find the adventure in new things.
It’s not impossible, though – next time you find yourself faced with doing something for the first time, turn off the grown-ups inside your head who are cautioning you. Try to find your 8-year-old self and let them take a look at what the two of you are about to do. Put the adventure back in learning new things and tell the grown-ups in your head to take a seat in the time-out chair!
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Would you like more self-confidence? Here’s an exercise I suggest you to do every day.
Yes, every day. You can do it while you’re brushing your teeth, because it’s just that easy.
The reason I want you to pair this new daily exercise with one you already do each day is because that’s the easiest way to create a new habit – pair it with one you’ve had for years. While you’re brushing your teeth, say the first two words I’m giving you and then fill in the blank with as many good words as you can honestly say about yourself: “I am ____.”
When you first start doing this, it could be tough for you to find words of appreciation about yourself that you can say without feeling like a fraud – trust me when I tell you this exercise will get easier each day you do it. Not only will it get easier, your self-confidence will get stronger, too.
Most of us spend a lot of time disapproving of ourselves, beating ourselves up, and generally tearing ourselves down in subtle ways. In this exercise, you will be intentionally building yourself back up again.
Keep it positive, keep it honest, and do it daily.
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Let’s talk about your body…how do you feel about it?
OK, so we’ll talk about how most people feel about their bodies. Yuk. Right?
I remember being a child, reading a Nancy Drew mystery where one of the characters was described as having “knobby knees.” Before that I had never judged my knees – that day, when I looked at them in the mirror, they looked knobby and I disapproved of them. I also disapproved of my short neck, funny-looking feet, and a myriad of other details about my body. It never occurred to me to appreciate the mechanical miracle that my knees represent, and the wonderful functionality of my neck.
How do you feel about your body, and where did those feelings come from? Chances are, you were perfectly fine about your body until you heard someone else being judgemental about your body or their body or a complete stranger’s body.
Let’s make a deal – let’s stop judging our looks and start appreciating the functionality of these vessels we inhabit. The wrinkles, folds, jiggles, and all the other perceived imperfections are just decorations on an amazing piece of machinery that we get to drive around for our whole lives.
Practice appreciating your body instead! Want more? Click here for a free audio course, "Happiness is an Inside Job" #veterinarian #petindustry #wellbeing #leader #lawofattraction
Do you think you’re stubborn, even just a little bit? When you want to do something and someone tells you “no” how do you feel?
If you are like me, there’s a bit of a stubborn streak in you.
Being stubborn is one of those mixed blessings – on one hand, it can be annoying to those around you and can cause you to make less-than-optimal choices because you stubbornly want to be right. When “stubborn” causes you to hold fast to an idea or plan you know isn’t the best, but you continue to push it because it’s yours, that’s not a good use of stubborn.
When stubborn is channeled correctly, it’s an essential part of being a good leader. You have to have the confidence in yourself, your knowledge, and your plan to lead a team, so “stubborn” in the face of doubt from your team can get them to go where you know they need to go.
Temper that stubbornness with a big dose of sharing your vision, teaching new skills, and sharing your confidence in the team, and they’ll follow your “stubborn” to victory, and tell everyone what a great leader you are.
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Do you indulge in regrets? And “indulge” was an intentional word there, so you probably already see where this is going, right?
Spending time ruminating over the past, maybe wishing you’d done things differently or better or not at all is indulgent – it’s you spending your time making a mental movie about something you can literally do nothing about.
- You made the choices you made, whatever they were.
- You handled things however you did.
- Things worked out however they worked out, and you probably learned something from those experiences.
It’s all part of living life – we’re supposed to try things, decide if we liked the outcome, and then try more things. When you spend your precious time – the one thing you have access to that you can NEVER get back – when you spend your precious time indulging in regrets, you’re cheating yourself of growth and new experiences you could be having.
Skip those indulgent movies – create dreams instead.
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Do you have a friend that you think has it all together? When you look at her life, she seems to have everything you want and more?
Beware the tendency to compare your life to anyone else’s.
It’s very common for humans to measure where they are in life against where someone similar is – their car is better, their house is better, their partner is better – and yet you’re using a flawed yardstick. There’s no way you can possibly know what their life is like.
People can be very good at painting a picture of a great life, when it’s really not so great. They’re two months behind on car payments, they can’t afford to get the HVAC fixed right now, and when no one’s around, the two of them fight like Taylor Swift and Kanye West.
The only yardstick you can reliably measure yourself against is who you were yesterday, who you are today, and who you want to be tomorrow. When you resist the temptation to compare yourself and your life to others, you eliminate a lot of stress and uncertainty from your life.
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If I asked you to tell me about yourself, what would you say? Would you tell me the roles you play in other peoples’ lives? Would you tell me where you were born or grew up? Maybe you’d tell me the school you graduated from.
What else would you tell me?
Would you tell me what you’re really good at doing? Would you tell me what you love to do for fun? Maybe, if I prompted you just a little bit, you might even tell me what you dream of doing someday.
We get so used to seeing ourselves as what we do for a living, as what we do for the people we serve, that we forget about the picture of our gifts, values, hopes and dreams.
What do you think other people would say about you if I asked them to tell me about you? I would hear what you’re so good at you make it look easy. I would hear about how you inspire them and uplift them. Some people would tell me that they look up to you and admire you.
If you saw yourself the way others see you, you’d truly understand just how wonderful you are.
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If you’ve ever been online, you’re probably familiar with the term “influencer.” In the social media space, an influencer is someone who is generally attractive, outgoing, online a lot, sometimes showcasing their experiences with specific products and services. If they’re a really good influencer, they make a living from the makers of those products and services.
Even if you’re not that kind of influencer, you’re still an influencer. According to the National Society of Leadership and Success, you influence between two and three people each day during your lifetime. You may not intend to, and you may not even know you’re doing it. And yet, you are – you’re showing up in a way that they notice, and maybe try to emulate.
Each morning when you wake up, think about those people you’ll influence that day, and really rise and shine. There are people who need the example you set. They’re looking for you, for your heart, your example, your leadership.
Give it to them, you influencer, you!
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Are you raising a family? Are you chasing that unicorn called work-life balance? Do you feel pulled in too many directions, and find yourself choosing to meet everyone else’s needs but yours?
Stop.
This is the time for you to prioritize your needs, your children’s needs, and your job’s needs. Yes, all are important. And yes, you can create a schedule that meets most of those needs most of the time, and that’s all it takes for you to feel balanced and more in control of your life.
When there are children in the mix, remember that they lack the ability to reason like an adult, and they won’t have that ability until they are an adult. Think about prioritizing their emotional needs as you’re creating your more balanced schedule. If they go to bed most nights while you’re still working late, they’re missing your positive influence on them.
Maybe in the quest for work-life balance, their needs might get to outweigh work needs at least some of the time.
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Have you been this way, too?
A mistake I made throughout my marriage was thinking I needed to keep the peace. I would try to talk about something, be met with defensiveness or dismissiveness, and unless it was something I felt very strongly about, I’d drop it. Each time I chose to let the wasband get away with dismissing my input, I disrespected myself and my feelings.
I also ensured that what I saw as a problem wouldn’t be fixed.
Don’t be like me – peace is important, and so is your mental wellbeing. Romantic, friendship, and co-worker relationships worth having need to have open curtains and open windows, letting sunshine and fresh air in. When you allow emotional doors to shut instead of having an honest, open conversation, you’re not keeping the peace, you’re gutting your own self-esteem as well as the depth and potential for growth of the relationship.
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Is it easy or hard for you to support the dreams of others? Think carefully, because one of the most common human behaviors is to hear someone’s dreams or plans and tell them why they won’t work. You care about them and don’t want to see them fail.
Now does that sound like you?
Here’s why you might want to squelch that well-meaning negativity and support them in their dreams:, because dreams can and do come true all the time.
- Steve Jobs dreamed of putting a computer in the hands of everyday people in 1977 when he and Steve Wozniak founded Apple.
- Meghan Trainor knew by the age of 7 that she would be a successful recording artist.
- CVS CEO Karen Lynch, widely regarded as one of the most influential businesswomen in the world, blazed her path to help those with physical and mental health problems, after losing her mom and aunt at an early age.
Before you do the “common” thing and throw wet-blanket words on someone’s dream, consider this: what if they succeed?
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Have you had your heart broken? Most of us have, and it’s not a fun feeling, right? I remember crying so hard after the love of my life left me that I thought all the moisture in my body was going to come out through my eyes if I didn’t find a way to stop.
Been there too?
When the waterworks stop, we generally go through phases of blame, phases of shame, and sometimes even beating up on ourselves. It’s easy to misunderstand where the problem really lies: you loved, and they didn’t. You did the good thing and they didn’t.
Don’t fall into the very human trap of kicking yourself over the loss of the relationship, because that’s not a useful or healthy response to the loss. Being able to open yourself to love is a vulnerable, admirable attribute, and when you’re ready, being willing to do it again is even better, because now you know more clearly the kind of person you want to be with.
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There is belief, and there is faith, and there is knowing. What’s the difference? The differences are subtle, for sure, and the lines blur from one word to the other to the other.
- Belief is something you think is true because of your own past experience.
- Faith is something you believe is true because of a desire for it to be true, coupled with a shared expression of your faith, and it can be about anything, not just religion.
- Knowing is the hard-and-fast reality of something that you’ve experienced over and over, so you can count on the truth of it.
I believe when I turn the oven on it will get hot. I have faith that the packet of yeast will make the bread light and tender. I know that if I try to take the bread pans out of the oven without potholders, I will burn my fingers.
That’s a very superficial example – today, take five minutes, pick a deeper subject, and play with what you believe, what you take on faith, and what you know. Do that daily – it’s actually a very interesting exercise.
When you take the time to sort out your feelings on different topics, it helps you sort out your own priorities in life.
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Do you ever have days when you feel limited by life’s circumstances? Like all the light has gone out of you, and you’re just a smoldering wick?
You haven’t lost your light, it’s just misplaced for the moment.
You can shine, no matter what your personal circumstances. If you’re feeling limited by your physical body, you can still shine – look at Stephen Hawking, the physically paralyzed, mentally acrobatic physicist and author. If you’re feeling limited by your educational level, you can still shine – look at Oprah Winfrey, one of the world’s most famous and influential women, who finished her college degree long after becoming a household name. If you’re feeling limited by your finances, you can still shine – look at Mother Theresa, a nun with a vow of poverty and a Nobel Peace Prize.
All these people faced challenges, used them to grow, and have used their lives to better the lives of others. All these people undoubtedly had lack-luster days, too, and yet they managed to move through them and soar. You can, too.
C’mon…show me your shine!
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Are you a caretaker of things and people? Is that who you are, deep down? Does it fill you up when you’re able to help someone? Do you get puddles in your eyes when you can offer advice that a person needs to hear and truly appreciates? Do you look for the best in people?
If you said “yes” to some or all of these, then you lead with love, and those who lead with love are leaders by example.
You don’t usually think of yourself as a leader, and yet you are. It’s not all sunshine and daisies, because those who lead with love can be taken advantage of and even ridiculed by those who don’t. While it’s easy to get caught up in the drama being stirred by someone else, remember that their bad behavior is about them, not about you. Ignore them – keep being the one who smooths things over instead of stirring the pot.
Keep leading with love – the world needs a lot more people like you!
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What do you do every day that feeds your soul? And what the heck is “feeding your soul” and why is it so important?
There’s not a scientific definition for soul-feeding, though research does show that finding a way to distract yourself from problems is very beneficial to mental wellbeing.
So what is feeding your soul? It could be anything – meditation, going for a run, talking with someone important to you, or volunteering for a cause dear to your heart. Almost anything has the potential to feed your soul, with this caveat: it will feed your soul when you let it.
A daily habit that feeds your soul is the easiest way to give yourself a boost of serotonin and dopamine, lowering your stress and enhancing your mental wellbeing.
How can you find something that feeds your soul? Think of the special things you do for others – do them for yourself, too.
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When was the last time you felt joy? Excitement? Anticipation? Trepidation? Irritation? Fear?
Depending on which research study you believe, humans have either 8 or 27 or 34,000 different emotions. If you think about the many different ways you have felt in your life, you realize that counting them doesn’t matter – feeling them does.
It’s not possible to be deliriously happy 100% of the time, and it wouldn’t even feel that good after a while. What is happy if you don’t have sad to compare it to?
Try not to get caught in the trap of judging your feelings and then judging yourself for the quality of those feelings – instead, feel them, figure out why you feel the way you do, and decide if you want to keep feeling that way. We’re supposed to feel and then learn from our feelings.
You’re a walking emotional textbook – don’t forget to read the book now and then.
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Are you at odds with someone, and maybe thoughts of the situation are swirling in your head? Maybe it’s someone who wronged you, maybe it’s someone who’s not upholding their end of an agreement, maybe it’s someone you interact with a lot that just irritates the life out of you. Whatever the case is, you’re having a mini-meltdown about them inside your head.
If you’re like most people, you know about 600 people, and have about 12 in-person social interactions with different people daily. When you ruminate, fixate, and obsess over problems you may have with one person, can you see how out-of-proportion that reaction is?
With so many other people in your circle, can you find someone else to turn your focus to? When you can make your brain stop focusing on the one irritating person and start focusing on the myriad of delightful others, you create a better life for yourself right then and there.
Try it – it works!
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Do you know someone who complains a lot?
Maybe you?
People complain for a lot of reasons – to feel like they’re solving a problem by shining a light on it, to commiserate about a shared condition, and of course, the chronic complainers, who have complained so often for so long that they’ve literally re-wired their brain into a full-service complaint department.
Complaining isn’t in your DNA. It’s not part of the human psyche, it’s learned behavior. That means that if you hear yourself complaining more often than you want, you and you alone can fix it.
When you make a choice to complain, you can make another choice to keep those lips together when your brain is trying to spit negativity out into the world. Whether it’s venting, complaining, or chronic complaining, it’s destructive behavior for any kind of relationship. If you’re the complainer, clam up and choose a more positive way to view what you were just about to vent about. If you live or work with a chronic complainer, gently offer them alternative ways to look at whatever is upsetting them.
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Are you more open-minded or closed-minded? Most people are pretty open-minded…right up until they aren’t.
For instance, I’m live and let live about politics and religion and who people love, and don’t get me started on the people who think my dogs should have the same rights as humans have. That’s where I have to remind myself that everyone is entitled to their opinions.
That’s a good strategy for you, too, when you start to feel the big steel doors in your brain clang shut on your hot-button topic. The most satisfied people are the ones who are open-minded on every – or nearly – every topic. They don’t preach what they believe to others, trying to convince them how wrong they are. They don’t end friendships over a disagreement on a topic, and they don’t cut themselves off from learning more about a topic in order to understand it.
Before you start to defend your position, stop and remember – the other person believes they’re right, too. Is argumentative really how you want to show up in the world?
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Some of the worst advice given to teens who are trying to decide about a career path is to research what the global marketplace needs.
- Does the marketplace need salespeople? Then they need to focus on sales.
- Does the marketplace need accountants? Then they need to get a degree in accounting.
- Does it look like more lawyers will be needed in the next decade? Then they need to study law.
What about what they need?
Far better advice would be to ask them what makes their heart come alive. What piques their curiosity? What feels like the right path to them?
When someone is pursuing a career in something they truly love, they are 100% enthusiastic about the work they’re doing – so enthusiastic about it that it doesn’t feel like work. It makes them feel alive, and what the world really needs is more people living their passions.
PS – that includes you, too, if you’re not living your passion right now.
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Do you run and hide when you’re about to cry? When you get mad, do you suck it up it and seethe inside when you’d rather let your anger fly?
Listen, this used to be me, too – I’d do anything not to cry in front of people, and perfected the fine art of a placid face when someone ticked me off.
I can promise you – that’s not the best way to deal with your emotions. When you bottle them up, it’s bad for your body. Emotions that are bottled up actually increase in intensity, pumping more adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream.
Protect the health of your body while protecting your mental wellbeing – let ‘em out. If someone makes you cry, let them see the tears. If someone disrespects you, let them hear it.
Your emotions are part of who you are, so hiding them hides the real you behind a façade. When you’re not being authentic, people don’t trust you because they know you’re not being real. Cry and rage if you need to, and then move on.
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When you’re in conversation with someone and they get something factually wrong, do you correct them? Here are three reasons you might not want to do that.
- You know how it feels when someone corrects you? Yeah – it feels like that to others, too.
- It’s not your job to make sure everyone is on the same page as you unless you are the other person’s supervisor. Even then, correct carefully – maybe something like, “hmmm…I’ve always thought it was (insert your version here). Would you mind looking that up for us so we’ll both know?”
- What if they’re right and you’re wrong?
A lot of what we believe is true is simply something we’ve thought often or for a long time. I’m always surprised when, at my experienced age, something I’ve believed for decades turns out not to be true. It could be that way with you, too.
Let other people be wrong, as long as it doesn't put people or animals in danger. You’ll feel better when you’re not trying to be the professor to the entire world.
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Do you take your responsibilities seriously? Are you someone who drives yourself to do everything you see that needs doing, whether it’s yours to do or not?
Stop.
The success of every person in your office doesn’t rely only on you, and when you pick up the slack for others, you deprive them of the chance to learn and grow.
In a work situation, when you get outside your lane, people can get defensive, and defensiveness can be very tough to defuse. Try not to let it get started in the first place – you do you, you do what’s yours, and offer to help if you see someone struggling, but don’t insist.
When you excel at what you do and allow others to do the same, you foster an atmosphere of cooperation and mutual support. Take your responsibilities seriously, and let others do the same with theirs.
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Do you often feel stressed? This Tiny Bite is for you, though you may not like it very much.
Please don’t let it stress you out when I tell you that most of the stress you feel isn’t because of what is happening around you – it’s because of how you’re reacting to what’s happening around you.
Let me say that again…your stress isn’t caused by what’s happening around you, it’s caused by how you’re reacting to what’s happening. When you realize that, you have the one tool you need to reduce your stress – change the way you’re looking at the thing you’re stressing about.
For instance, when I’m running late and driving, it’s very easy for me to get irritated at the slow driver in front of me, the red lights and the dern train that seems to be two miles long. You, too? Instead, focus on taking three deep breaths and looking around for something that’s either beautiful or makes you laugh.
Focus on something other than your tardy arrival – something that will lift your mood instead of intensifying it – and feel your stress melt away. Oh, and when you get there, don’t apologize – instead, thank them for waiting for you.
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Are you someone that people might see as quiet? In a group, do you do more listening than talking most of the time? Do you feel like people overlook you because of your silence?
That’s common – don’t take it personally and don’t get your feelings hurt by it. Know this – when people assume that you’re uninteresting or – gasp! – even boring, it’s their loss.
There are tons of truths about quiet people – “still waters run deep” and “quiet people have the loudest minds” and “the quieter you become the more you can hear” and of course Jane Austen’s “I was quiet, but I was not blind.”
Quiet people are some of the best friends because we’re good listeners. Quiet people understand interpersonal dynamics far better than those who are always talking. Eleanor Roosevelt…Albert Einstein…Elon Musk…Bill Gates…Meryl Streep…if you’re a quiet person, you’re in very auspicious company!
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Did you know you are magical?
I don’t mean Disney princess magical, or Hogwarts magical, or genie in a bottle magical, though maybe you are those kinds of magical, too. Your kind of magical is your set of superpowers.
- The things that come easily to you literally can’t be done by millions of people.
- The way your friends and family come to you for advice or soothing, or just to be close to you for a while, is evidence of your magic.
- Your ability to make people laugh is magical.
- The way you walk your talk is magical.
- The way you know just how to interact with dogs and children is magical.
You are completely unique, and that’s pretty magical, right? When you’re feeling inadequate, like an impostor or like you haven’t accomplished a single thing that day, remember this – you have a magic that’s is uniquely you. Share your magic with the world in that magical way of yours!
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Have you recently suffered a setback? Are you having a tough time motivating yourself to get going again?
It can be very hard to get moving when you’ve had a major upheaval in your life, like the loss of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, or a job loss.
Yes, it hurts – that’s normal. It’s going to take some time before the hurt stops, and you can shorten that time by being intentional about keeping your life moving forward.
Instead of holing up in your house, binging on chips and Instagram reels, think of something you’d like to achieve. It doesn’t have to be a big goal – just set a goal and start moving towards it.
Progress is made by taking one step, then another. It doesn’t have to be perfect – give yourself permission to learn and adjust your course as you go. It won’t take long before you become more focused on the goal and the future and less focused on the pain and the setback.
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When people ask, “What’s new?” they’re usually asking about the little things in your life, not the big ones. What if the answer is something big and even a bit intimidating – what’s up with that?
Big new life events, even when it’s something you’ve worked for, planned for, or dreamed of, can make you feel like you’re on shaky ground, and that’s normal.
What is new is unfamiliar. What is unfamiliar can feel scary. What is scary often goes unlearned and undone, and that’s a limitation many people put on themselves.
When something new is intimidating you, even just a little bit, shift your focus. What is unfamiliar is also intriguing because it means you have to stretch, learn, and grow. What feels scary is also challenging because it means you have to look yourself in the heart and double-dog-dare yourself to face your fear.
Instead of letting something new pass you by because you’re uncertain, shift your focus – it’s not unfamiliar, it’s intriguing. It’s not scary, it’s challenging and an opportunity to grow. When you can make this shift, the answer to “what’s new?” is YOU!
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Think back to the last time you were at a low point in life. We all have them. What was your brain saying to you as you were living through the low point? Can you conjure up the words?
Everyone’s life has low spots, tragic events, and places where they wish they’d have done something differently or better. The self-talk that focuses on those parts of life is the destructive self-talk, the kind that guts your confidence, erodes your self-esteem, and makes you feel like an imposter in your own life.
If your brain dishes up highlights of your low points, remember this: everyone’s life has comebacks, victories, and places where they were the hero. The self-talk that focuses on those parts of life is the productive self-talk.
When your brain starts going down the low road, use your mental stop sign and change the subject. Find and focus on a time when you made a comeback or you were someone’s hero. Focus on the best parts of your life and watch even more of those highlights show up!
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Did you grow up concerned about your grades, anxious to be on the honor roll and dean’s list, turning in extra credit projects, and dreading having to miss school because you were sick?
Would you be surprised if I told you that’s the beginnings of a control freak?
OK, “freak” is pretty harsh, and please don’t take it as an insult because I’m talking about me, too.
- If we studied hard enough, we would get good grades.
- If we did extra credit and took AP classes, we’d ace the honor roll, dean’s list, and admission to the college of our choice.
- If we never missed a class, we never felt behind in our studies.
As adults, that level of self-control can sometimes cause us to want to try to control the actions of others, too, and that’s when people might start applying “freak” and be right.
It takes a lot of self-control to let go of trying to control everything. Use the same self-control you learned as a child to learn to let go of trying to control things and people that aren’t yours to control. You’ll love how freeing letting go is!
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Did someone call you “crazy” today? Yay, you!
OK, did you just call me crazy for congratulating you on being called crazy? Hear me out – it’s good to stand up and stand out, because that means you stand for something. You have the courage of your ideas and beliefs, and you value them so much you want others to benefit from them too.
People who are willing to share their ideas, whether they’re conforming to the current trends or not, are often called crazy by those who lack imagination and guts.
Crazy is a crazy-good way to go through life, because it means you’re willing to buck a trend. You’re willing to courageously speak your mind. You’re willing to boldly be yourself in a world of people who are trying to conform to whatever the latest influencers say is “normal.”
If someone called you crazy today, I congratulate you and thank you for your bold ideas and your courage.
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Want to change the world?
There are a lot of people who dream of making a difference, of living a purpose, and of changing the world. I have two words for you if you want to change the world: speak love.
Talk to others like you value them, and listen to them with your heart, not just your ears. Talk to yourself like you value you, and nurture your needs, wants and desires as if they’re the garden that nourishes you, because they are.
The simple act of sharing kind, loving words in every conversation with everyone can do more to change the world than any law, lawmaker or king can do. The wrong words can spark a war – the right words can keep it from ever starting.
Listen to the words you use, and choose the kindest way to say something that you can. For instance – “I appreciate you” is much kinder than “I appreciate it” when someone does something nice for you.
Speak words of love. Change the world.
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Has life handed you a challenge where you feel like the victim?
Stop!
When you paint yourself as the victim, you are the ultimate loser. You can’t win when you’re feeling sorry for yourself, because you cut yourself off from avenues for growth and learning.
Sure, you might get some sympathy, which can feel good in the moment, but here’s what ultimately happens: those who feel sorry for you will eventually get tired of watching you go through the same problems again and again. They’ll get tired of offering you help and advice, only to watch you disregard their wisdom and do the same things again.
People will get tired of the drama and drift away, and that’s not what anyone wants.
The moment you notice thoughts of victimhood going on inside your brain, ask yourself this question: Do I want to wallow, or do I want to grow?
I hope you want to grow – if not, then I hope you have an endless supply of people willing to listen to you whine. And PS – is that how you really want to show up in the world?
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Have you heard the saying “good fences make good neighbors”? It’s easier to stay civil when everyone stays on their own lawn, taking care of their own stuff.
In the same way, good boundaries make good relationships. Knowing what you will and won’t put up with, and being very clear and consistent with others about your desires, makes it easy for you to see when someone is violating your boundaries, plus it helps others know how to interact with you without ticking you off.
Healthy boundaries are necessary for great friendships and romantic relationships, and they’re vital to your mental wellbeing. You are the only person who knows how something makes you feel, so being open and clear to your co-workers, friends and family is a kindness you give to them and to you.
Yes, some people will get upset when you set boundaries, some people will try to talk you out of your boundaries, and some people may even exit your life when you set boundaries. Those people who don’t like your boundaries are the reasons you need to set boundaries.
Create a map of your ideal life, and begin by putting your boundaries in place.
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Is there a co-worker that you don’t really trust? Maybe you’ve been told things they’ve said or done, or maybe someone you like and trust has warned you away from them?
Whatever the reason, you are resisting getting to know them and interact with them, and you could be missing out on a beneficial relationship, and you’re helping create a toxic work environment.
It’s easy to define people based on the opinions of those we trust. What if they’re wrong? What if it’s just their opinion that’s flawed, not that person they’ve warned you about?
If you work as part of a team, and especially if you’re in a leadership position on that team, this kind of behavior is poison.
Start by not buying into the gossip, and then take the next step – gently challenge the gossiper on the lack of ethics they’re showing. One of the best workplace detoxifiers is to help gossips learn to behave better. And if they won’t, at least don’t aid and abet their toxicity.
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Is there a task ahead of you that you’re dreading? Something that feels big and maybe even overwhelming?
When we’re in that place of uncertainty or dread, our imaginations do a wonderful job of dishing up all the things that could go wrong, all the things we don’t know about the task ahead, and all the ways it – and we – can fail miserably.
Don’t listen to your imagination!
When faced with a daunting task, block out that voice inside your head that’s preaching gloom and doom, and just get started. It’s in the doing that we learn and grow, so pick one think to tackle first and tackle it. Even if you think you don’t know how to do it, try. Google it. YouTube it. Do it. Then move on to the next step, and then the step after that.
Even the hardest things can only happen one step at a time. Doing the hard thing is what helps you grow, and before you know it, you’ve done the hard thing. Yay, you!
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Have you ever thought about your thoughts and how free they are?
- No one can limit your thoughts.
- No one can dictate your thoughts.
- No one can think inside your head.
Your thoughts have the ultimate freedom – no limits! Oh, wait – your thoughts do have one limitation on them…you.
You are the only person in charge of your thoughts – you’re the boss of them! You get to decide whether you like the thoughts you think or if you’d like to think better thoughts.
Many people haven’t ever thought about their thoughts that way – they just go through life thinking whatever thoughts their brain is dishing up, believing those thoughts, and then acting accordingly. Yes, your thoughts are based on your life experiences, as well as what others have told you about the world and yourself.
If you want to feel better about the world and yourself, no one else can think inside your head. Catch the thoughts you don’t want to think anymore and replace them with ones you like better!
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How does the world see you?
Have you ever thought about that? Many people haven’t really stopped to think about what their posture, head carriage, stride, and personal style (clothes, shoes, hair, etc.) says to others.
This isn’t about you changing yourself to be what others might prefer, this is about you being sure you’re giving the world accurate information about who you are and, more importantly, who you are becoming.
Think about Olympic gymnasts – whether they turned in a perfect-10 routine or not, they “stick the landing” and hold that finishing pose for the judges. They know something very important – attitude is everything, though not for the reasons you may think.
When you focus on projecting the best of yourself through your walk, talk, and actions, people feel more comfortable with you. Even better, when you focus on your best qualities, you’re reinforcing those parts of yourself to your brain. The brain believes what you focus on is what it should focus on – there’s a lot of research to back that up – so if you want more confidence, exude it.
When you feel it, you are it.
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Do you sometimes – or maybe often – feel unworthy or like an imposter in your own life?
There are a lot of reasons feelings like that could crop up inside you – maybe you were raised by someone with expectations so high you never felt their approval, maybe you had a difficult time in school so your grades were lower than your friends’ grades, and maybe you’re shy and don’t want people to notice you, and yet you yearn for recognition and acceptance.
No matter what the source of those unworthy feelings, they don’t feel good, and they sabotage your confidence, your success, and your feeling of belonging in this world.
No one else can think inside your head – you are the only person who can, so when you find yourself thinking that you’re an imposter or a klutz or whatever negative name you’re giving yourself, it’s up to you to stop the abuse. No one else has your combination of experiences, education, ethics and emotions, so no one else can affect your life and the people in it the way you do.
You are a gift to the world. When you find yourself beating yourself up inside your head, remind yourself that you are a gift to the world. Because you are!
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Remember the younger you? The you who was so excited the day you got your driver’s license, the you that blushed and tingled over the thought of your first crush, and the you that beamed with pride when you were handed that diploma?
That you is still in there, sometimes lost in the day-to-day busyness of life and conflicting responsibilities, sometimes feeling crushed by a stack of bills, and sometimes feeling like crying because your life now isn’t at all what you thought it would be. You’re in there – the hopeful you, the loving you, the compassionate you.
You are not your flaws, you are not your doubts, you are not your mistakes, you are not what has happened to you or whatever diagnosis has been given to you. You are limitless potential waiting to spring forth in the next chapter of your life and personal development.
We are all constantly changing. What changes do you want to see as your life continues to unfold? Remember who you were when you were proud of yourself, happy with your relationship, and excited to greet the day. That you is still inside you. Let that you out to play now, as you unfurl your future.
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The Roman philosopher Seneca the Younger is often quoted as saying, “Don’t stumble over something behind you.”
Think about the meaning of that – so many of us have things that have happened to us in the past that we use to either define or limit ourselves in the present. Additionally, we beat ourselves up over wasting time, squandering perceived opportunities, and staying in a job or a relationship longer than we should have.
Is any of this ringing a bell for you? Then maybe you’re stumbling over something behind you, which doesn’t allow you to move forward productively.
Maybe you’ve heard me say “there’s no power in the past” and what that means is you can’t do anything to change what’s already happened. It happened. It’s done. In the present, if you need to mend fences with someone, mend them. If you need to forgive so you can forget, forgive and forget. If you need to spend some time with a therapist to help you process past pain so it doesn’t control you now and in the future, do it.
In order to move forward into the life you dream of, you have to stop stumbling over the past. Focus on today, decide the next step to move you forward, and take it.
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Most days go fairly well for most people, yet many, if not most, people end their day feeling like things didn’t go as well as they wished.
Our brains are hard-wired to focus on what went wrong, and from an evolutionary standpoint, that makes sense. Mistakes are best used as learning experiences, so those who focus on their mistakes can learn more than those who don’t even notice them.
However, it’s at least as productive to focus on your successes. Just because your brain doesn’t do it automatically for you doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Research into the effects of mindset on success definitively shows that those who celebrate their successes regularly have more success than those whose focus is on their mistakes.
Here’s one way to ensure you focus on your success, no matter how bad you feel your day went: find three good things that went well. At the end of each day, reflect on it with the purpose of writing down at least three good things that happened.
When you celebrate what went right, you’ll find you’ll have even more to celebrate!
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Are you self-conscious when you have to speak to groups – large or small, in person or virtual? Between my career in major market radio and then as a professional speaker, I can tell you that practice does help ease that feeling of self-consciousness.
I can also tell you that the audience you’re speaking to wants to like you and wants you to succeed, so the self-consciousness isn’t about the audience – it’s about you.
It’s you, telling yourself you’re an imposter or you don’t know enough on the subject or you’re a terrible speaker or whatever you’re saying to yourself inside your head that’s causing the self-consciousness. The way our brains are wired, the more often you beat yourself up, the more your brain believes those negative things about you, so the more often it’s likely to dish them up to you.
It’s not what you say to others that matters most, it’s what you say to yourself.
Pay attention to the nervousness and self-consciousness as soon as it starts, and re-direct your thoughts. It’s not anxiety, it’s butterflies preparing to help your words fly. It’s not self-consciousness, it’s awareness of the value you’re about to share.
Re-direct, re-frame, and regale that group with your wit and wisdom!
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Did you get good and angry at someone today? That kind of white-hot mad where you feel perfectly justified in the anger?
That is perfectly human, and is also usually short-lived. Some people get addicted to the adrenaline and cortisol rush that goes with the anger, so they look for reasons to get angry. Hopefully that’s not you – what you felt was just good, old-fashioned, strong and sudden irritation with another person’s actions or words.
That’s normal, and yet because the hormones released are the same stress hormones that damage your body and health, it’s good to get control of your anger quickly.
Here are two good questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling angry with someone: How does the anger feel? How do you want to feel?
When you stop and examine how the anger makes you feel, it helps you regain control of yourself more quickly. When you can get a handle on your feelings, it allows you to see the situation more objectively. You might still be justified in your anger, yet you can see a more productive way to deal with the other person.
How does the anger feel?
How do you want to feel? Those two questions will help you get back on an even keel.
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Have you ever heard the saying, “what you look for, you’ll see”? How about, “whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re right”? Wait…here’s one more: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
All these cliches speak to the same thing – that our minds are flexible and powerful. The study of neuroplasticity is showing us just how flexible and how powerful the brain is – it can be channeled in any direction you wish to go, can be taught to reject beliefs that thwart your success and replace them with beliefs that support your success, and that once you learn to focus on what you want from life consistently, your success is all but assured.
Amit Ray, who is an Indian meditation and mindset author and coach, said, “Mind is a flexible mirror. Adjust it to see a better world.” Believe you can, look for the evidence, and dance even in the tough times and you’ll adjust your mind to see your world get better.
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Pardon me if I burst into rhyme in this podcast – I’ll do my best to refrain from channeling Dr. Seuss.
Did you have his books when you were a child? If you have children, do your children enjoy his silly words, rhymes and deep wisdom? Yes, wisdom from Dr. Seuss – his books are filled with wisdom and life skills tucked in among the colorful pictures.
One of my favorite Dr. Seuss-isms is “you have to be odd to be number one.” Or maybe that’s a quote attributed to him and he never said it. It sounds like he should have so let’s say that he did. We’re all a bit odd in some way, and sadly many of us are more concerned with fitting in, so we try to hide our oddness. It’s that oddness that makes us unique, so embrace your inner odd, let it shine and get set to be number one!
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Someone has done you wrong. You could probably tell the story of how they broke a promise, took something you valued or even physically harmed you. And to a lot of people, the worst part of that wrongdoing is that the person never owned it, never apologized, never made amends. They just went on with their life, leaving you to deal with the aftermath.
How do I know this about you?
Because everyone has at least one of these stories.
Stop telling the story. Stop picking the scab off. Stop defining yourself by an old wound.
They never apologized? So what – pretend they did so you can move on.
We’ve talked before about how your brain can’t tell the difference between an actual event or the memory of the event – harness this brainpower to make yourself feel better. Change the story – the person is remorseful and wishes they hadn’t hurt you. They’ve grown and changed over time and one day they get the strength to show up on your doorstep, teary-eyed and full of apologies. You, being the gracious person you are, accept their apology.
Behold the power of the intuited apology to change your life for the better.
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Were you taught to say “please” and “thank you” when you were a child? In my family those words were called magical, and what we wanted didn’t happen without a “please” attached to it, so they did feel kind of magical.
And “thank you” has a hidden, even more magical power.
Most of us remember – at least some of the time – to thank those who do things for us. When we thank them we make that other person feel good, which makes them more likely to do nice things in the future. That’s a powerful way to impact the world, and yet there’s another power that “thank you” has – it’s a polite way to ignore unsolicited advice.
People give advice because they want to help you, yet often the advice is unwelcome, unwanted and unuseful. (is that even a word?) Instead of arguing with or ignoring the person who’s trying to help you, say “thank you.” Nothing else – just “thank you.” You let them know they’ve been heard and appreciated and you’re free to flush the advice out of your brain right away.
Powerful!
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Possibly the most potent word in any language is “possibility.”
The possibility of something is where innovation happens. The possibility of improvement is where change happens. The king of harnessing the power of possibilities was inventor Thomas Edison, who said “When you’ve exhausted all possibilities, remember this – you haven’t.”
If something is feeling impossible to you today, shift your focus to something else. Dwelling on something that feels impossible usually makes it feel less possible, not more possible.
Borrow my mental game – when I don’t know how to do something I give it to the committee in the back of my head. By that I mean I hand off the need to think about it until a good idea occurs to me. When it does, I give the credit to the committee in the back of my head and celebrate their brilliance.
Behold the possibilities of possibility!
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Have you ever counseled a friend and said something like, “you’re looking for love in all the wrong places?”
Heck, there’s even at least one old country song with that title!
Brain science is clear – humans gravitate to the familiar, even when it’s bad for them. This is as true of relationships as it is with food, tobacco and alcohol.
One of the main ways most humans create their own stress is by looking to others for appreciation, acknowledgement and love. Maybe you know someone who is completely driven by the need for recognition – it gets exhausting, doesn’t it? Sometimes they’re sulky for no apparent reason, and it’s because they need to feel loved and appreciated and don’t.
Love, appreciation, acknowledgement, and recognition feels good and here’s the secret – it feels real when it comes from us first. When you love and appreciate yourself, you don’t need it from others.
And when you’re not needy it’s easier for others to love and appreciate you!
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Are you a type-A personality? Driven to achieve, a bit of a perfectionist and someone who moves from goal to goal without stopping to celebrate your achievements?
A lot of leaders are just like that, so if that’s you, you’re in good company.
A lot of leaders suffer from stress, lack of work/life balance and disillusionment, and if that’s you, then here’s an easy tool to help you find more balance and pleasure in life – focus on the steps toward the goal instead of the goal itself.
Let’s say the goal is to ride a horse from one end of a 5-mile road to the other – break that goal into the steps it will take to accomplish it. First, brush the horse down. Enjoy the peace of being in the company of a willing partner. Tack the horse up – bridle, reins, saddle blanket and saddle. Marvel at the training that’s gone into the horse as it patiently allows you to dress it. Get into the saddle. Enjoy your new view of the world from a higher stance. As you and the horse take your 5-mile ride, take in what your senses deliver to you.
The goal is never the goal – the goal is the journey to the goal.
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Are you someone who finds yourself in arguments more than a couple of times a week? Or maybe you live with or work with someone who likes to argue?
What’s the argument really about?
Arguments are almost never about what they seem to be about – it’s not whether or not the trash is staying in the kitchen too long or the pants are hanging on the hanger wrong or the copier paper trays were all left empty…again! People who argue a lot do it because they want recognition and validation, and if they have to argue to get it, so be it.
In a supportive environment, that recognition and validation will happen naturally – that’s how great teams operate. In an environment that might be lacking empathy and understanding between team members, arguments are the natural outgrowth.
People want to find a solution that will solve a problem, once and for all.
In a supportive environment, they work together to solve it. Otherwise, they argue and nothing gets solved. If you’re surrounded by arguments, examine the environment. Arguments are really about a lack of understanding, recognition, and validation.
Fix that and the arguments will fade away.
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When did that phrase “use your words” become popular? Best guess is sometime in the late 1980’s or early 90’s when it started showing up in parenting books, television shows and comedian’s stand-up routines.
While it’s an odd way to phrase it, “use your words” is great advice.
We all think people understand us way more than they do. Even those closest to us don’t know what’s really going on inside our heads and our hearts. So – when you’re feeling frustrated, say so. When you’re feeling elated, say so. Sad? Share with someone close to you how you’re feeling. Angry? Don’t make people guess why – say what you need to say. Feel like you were wrong? Apologize. Out loud. To the person who needs to hear it.
Our ability with language sets us apart from most of the other mammals on the planet. Our inability to use it when emotions are strong is the cause of almost all the misunderstandings in our lives.
When your feelings are feeling strong, use your words. Let people know how you’re feeling by using your words on purpose.
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Are you facing a problem right now? Does it feel big, like something you’re not sure you can handle? Usually I tell you to let go of the past, but at times like this it can be good to embrace the past.
Specially selected pieces of the past, though.
Grab a pen and paper and give yourself a few minutes to think of times in the past when you faced a big problem. Don’t concentrate on the problem, just jot it down. Jot down as many as you can think of in a few minutes, and then stop and look at your list.
- Look at your list, then notice your heartbeat.
- Look at your list, then notice the temperature of the air around you.
- Look at your list and appreciate the fact that you survived all the things on your list.
You’ve done it before and you will do it again. Problems are part of life. Confidence is knowing you’ve been through problems before and you can and will get through this current one, too.
Use this exercise whenever you feel like you have a too-big-to-handle problem. You don’t. You’ve got this. You always do.
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A lot of people are in leadership positions they didn’t really seek out. I’ve been there once or twice – you, too?
Maybe you’re perceived as the leader because you’re in a decision-making position, even though you’re not technically the staff supervisor. That can be tough – you have all of the responsibilities with none of the authority, and yet the staff still looks to you for direction.
Even if you never wanted to be a leader, you need to act like one, and this one tip can help. Do your best to understand each person you work with.
- What lights their fire?
- Where did they grow up?
- Where are they in the birth order?
- Where are they where significant relationships are concerned?
- If money was no object, what would they do with their time?
Find out who they are at a heart level, not just a head level. When you reach for understanding you invite understanding, and when a team understands each other, they work well together.
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Do you know anyone who’s trying to find themselves? Maybe you?
The feeling of being lost in your own life is disconcerting – it can feel like you’ve been set adrift in an ocean of unknown. The feeling of needing to find yourself often happens in the wake of a major life change, like the loss of a loved one or relationship, or a life milestone like graduation or marriage. Suddenly there’s a very new, different dynamic and it feels unfamiliar because it is unfamiliar.
The secret to finding yourself when you’re feeling lost is to realize your brain knows the old pattern and it will take a few days for it to get up to speed on your new life and new routines. Be kind and patient with yourself while your brain figures out the new pattern. You won’t feel the need to find yourself anymore because you’re not truly lost.
You’ve been there all along.
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Are you stuck in a land of fairy tale expectations?
No, I’m serious – many people grow up believing that life should be like a fairy tale. They don’t intentionally believe it – they read and heard those fairy tale stories so often in their lives that they internalized a false narrative filled with heroes and villains. In those fairy tales, the villains get their come-uppance, and the heroes live happily ever after.
Life isn’t like that at all – life is a series of decisions we get to make, then we see if we like the way it turns out, and then we make some more decisions.
There isn’t some hero who’ll ride in and magically make your life OK – you are the hero in your life.
You are the one who will choose what looks like “happily ever after” to you, and then decide if you want to change it. There’s not one event in your life that will magically make your life good forevermore – there’s one you, deciding that you are your own hero, in charge of your own happily ever after.
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There are a lot of cliches about laughter:
- Laughter is the best medicine.
- Laugh until you cry.
- Laugh all the way to the bank.
- He who laughs last laughs loudest.
- I’ll be having the last laugh.
- I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.
There is no doubt that laughter is good for you, body and soul. Laughing releases your body’s feel-good chemicals, lowering your blood pressure and easing stress. Laughing with a group of people creates a release of oxytocin, the hormone closely related to feelings of connectedness, community and caring. Laughter therapy has even been incorporated into chemotherapy regimens, which seems to help cancer patients handle the chemo better and has been associated in some research studies with better long-term survival rates.
There’s a ton of evidence that laughter is good for you, so making ways to intentionally add more levity into your day is a great idea. The bad news about laughter is that, no matter how hard you try, there’s no evidence to support laughter as a derriere-reduction technique…sorry! We can't just "laugh our @$$ off!
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Your life is created by the stories you tell. What kind of stories are you telling?
And are you mentally arguing with this premise right now?
It’s ok…many people would. My Grandma Faught told stories of her poor health, poor bodily functions, and poor relationships with people. She was always the unfortunate, sad focus of her stories, and her life, just like her stories, was filled with doctor visits, unpleasant procedures and neighbors who didn’t like her and wouldn’t help her.
There’s brain science to back up how your life is created by the stories you tell – in every moment, there’s far too much input for your brain to be able to capture all of it, so it captures and catalogues the kinds of things you are generally focused on. Our brains unconsciously shape our perception of reality to meet our needs, desires, and past experiences.
So once again, take in this thought and apply it to yourself – your life is created by the stories you tell. What kind of stories do you want to tell now that you know how powerful your story-telling is?
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Do you know someone who is the strong, silent type? Maybe you?
People who seem to go through life meeting every challenge, quietly dealing with major life problems, and being the rock for others are easy to take for granted. They don’t ask for help. They don’t even seem to need help. The strong, silent type is the person others go to for help, and then move on when their problems abate.
The strong, silent type of person has problems, too.
If you know someone who fits this description – maybe you – that person needs a friend who’ll listen. A friend who’ll ask questions until the silent one starts talking. They need a place to be vulnerable and ask for a listening ear, a caring heart and maybe even a little bit of help. We all need someone like that.
If you know a strong, silent type, please be that friend.
If you are the strong, silent type, please let your friend in.
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What do you love?
I love stars, sand on my toes, silliness from my dogs, pumping tunes when I’m rolling down the road, and the toy that grows out of the top of my head, my hair. I love my independent streak, my pretty, fun-to-drive car, clouds, and the sound of moving water.
What do you love? Make a list of the things you love and beside each item, rate it for how often you focus on and enjoy that item. Give it a 1 if it’s not very often and a 5 if it’s something you experience and enjoy daily. Now, for the next week, keep your list handy and see if you can create more 4’s and 5’s from the things that might only be 1’s or 2’s right now.
When you focus on what you love, you create more contentment in your day, and when you have more contentment in your day, you open the door to more happiness and success. Just by focusing on what you love.
So…what do you love?
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Are you good at what you do? Sure you are – because that’s who you are. You show up and do the best you can do every day.
Are you an expert at what you do?
If you’re like most people, you might resist calling yourself an expert out of modesty or maybe even a bit of imposter syndrome. You know things. You have experiences. You have a unique point of view, and when that’s added to your experience and knowledge, you are literally the only person on the planet who can do what you do the way you do it.
What is your goal for your next career move, and why aren’t you moving towards that goal? There are people who are doing what you want to be doing who have less knowledge and experience than you, and yet they’re doing what you want to be doing.
Do you think others look to them as an expert? Those same people would value your expertise, too, so go for it. One life, as far as we know, is what we have to play with, so go for your goals and dreams, you expert you!
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There are a lot of examples of overcoming adversity in the world around us.
- Salmon swim upstream and leap up waterfalls – it’s their only way to keep the species going.
- Trees sway in wild storms, sometimes losing branches but remaining flexible enough to remain standing against Mother Nature’s worst.
- Airplanes take off against the wind, not with it – it’s the only way to get the lift needed to defy gravity.
Adversity happens to everyone – no one gets through life without having to overcome obstacles. When someone you care about is in a tumultuous place in their life, it might help them to hear about the salmon and the trees and the airplanes. The salmon don’t stop at the top of the waterfall to tell all the other salmon how hard the climb was. People in painful conflict often do just that – they wallow in the difficulty instead of growing through it.
Help that person you care about – maybe you – flourish instead.
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Do you have a manager who behaves badly? What if, instead of expecting them you change, you embrace their style as an opportunity for you to grow?
Radical thought, right?
First, you can’t make them change. Second, you’re part of their team, which means you report to them and they have a certain amount of control over your livelihood and advancement. When you break it down like that, you have two main courses of action – either choose to leave the company and hope you’ll find a better manager at your next job, or use this manager grow your ability to relate to and work with all kinds of people.
When you take the second decision, you embark on a journey of personal growth and become the kind of person more companies want on their team. And who knows – your current manager may watch you cope and grow and start behaving better with you!
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Would you like to know how you can be a more compassionate person?
Would you be thrilled to learn that you can become more compassionate in the privacy of your own life, without having to go anywhere or learn something new and complex or even break a sweat?
And would you be chomping at the bit if I told you that the same thing that’ll make you more compassionate will also help your physical health?
OK, I’m through teasing you – dozens of scholarly research studies show a link between healthier vital signs like blood pressure and stress hormones and meditation, and now new studies show that a person becomes more compassionate when adding meditation to their daily routine.
Build 5 to 15 minutes into your morning routine for an eyes-closed, sedentary self-care session and watch your blood pressure drop and your caring heart enlarge. There are meditation apps you can put on your phone, and the Center for Workplace Happiness has a meditation podcast called the Mind Body Soul Sessions in the success tools store.
Meditation is not magical or mystical or weird – it’s just a few minutes of brain-calming peace.
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A friend recently gave money to a woman sitting in car that had a flat tire. Something told her the woman wasn’t fine, even though she said she was. When she shared the story, she said, “May we love those who are in front of us.”
Does that sentence hit you like a prayer, too?
May we always love those who are in front of us.
Do you have a hard time asking for help? Most people do, so when you feel that someone isn’t OK, love them enough to help them. The help may be to give them cash, like my friend did. The help may be to keep asking questions until they’re willing to talk to you. The help may be to sit with them in silence, just letting them know someone cares.
May you love the person who is in front of you enough to know the help they need and may we all remember to love those who are in front of us more often.
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When you’re around someone who’s in a really good mood, does that make you feel uplifted, too? Researchers at Harvard and University of California San Diego conducted a study of about 5,000 people over the course of 20 years and found that one person’s happiness affects those around them positively. They put data to anecdotal evidence and in so doing, showed just how powerful that one person’s happiness can be – three degrees of separation from the happy person still showed an uptick in happiness.
What does this mean for you? When you’re the happy person, you affect your friends, family and co-workers, PLUS you affect those people’s friends, families and co-worker, PLUS you affect all of their friends, families and co-workers.
By intentionally keeping yourself in a contented mood, and allowing the moments of humor, happiness and joy to shine when they hit you, you are literally changing the lives of the people around you.
Happiness is powerful – pass it on.
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We’re taught from childhood to solve problems. Weigh the pros and cons of a situation and choose the appropriate plan of action. We learn well that when we can figure out what’s wrong, we can fix it.
What we’re not taught is to evaluate a problem and decide whether or not it’s ours to fix.
Much of the stress many people feel is because they’re struggling with solving problems that they simply can’t, because it’s not in their power to fix.
- Want that new job you interviewed for last week? It’s out of your hands – the hiring decision belongs to someone else, so let go of the anxiety of waiting for news.
- Want your co-worker to carry her weight? She either will or she won’t, so unless you’re her manager, quit expecting her to behave in a way she clearly doesn’t want to behave.
- Want someone to love you? You can’t make them, so please stop changing yourself into something you’re not.
Be so focused on being the best version of yourself that you can be that you don’t even notice what other people are doing or not doing. Live your life on your terms and let others solve their own problems.
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There are times in every life that are tough.
Been a teenager may seem like a wonderful time, except that for most teens there are conflicting expectations from adults coupled with the struggle to understand their changing bodies.
Graduation may seem like a wonderful time, except that for most people it’s a huge shift in focus coupled with the uncertainty of putting that degree to work.
Marriage and parenthood are life milestones that are touted as wonderful things and yet the joys are mingled in with new, stressful experiences.
When someone you know is going through one of these life events that are celebrated, remember to watch for signs of stress. Help them put the new stress into perspective so they can navigate to the joyous parts faster.
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“People might think I’m weird.”
“I might not get it right.”
“What if it turns out badly?”
So many people limit their own horizons because of thoughts like these. I’ve limited myself with those kinds of thoughts…I remember never wanting to do sports in school because I wanted to be good at it and feared I wasn’t.
Have you limited yourself too?
In a conversation with Mom when I was about 16 years old, I confided that I was afraid to go to the prom because what if I made a fool of myself in front of the cute boy who asked me? Mom answered simply, “what if you don’t?”
When the voice inside your head starts asking you limiting questions, take Mom’s words and use them to stop limiting yourself. Who cares if people think you’re weird, or if it isn’t perfect on the first try, or if it does turn out badly? Heck, even Albert Einstein took eight tries to mathematically prove the theory of relativity.
We’re human, which means we’ll get things wrong. The fun is in the trying and then trying to do better.
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Have you been hurt by someone you loved and trusted? Most people have at some point in their lives. We know what our hurt feels like and have no idea how others feel about the broken trust and broken heart, so it’s easy to discount the pain of others while feeling like our pain is different, and maybe even worse.
Stop. Stop so many things about that scenario.
First, stop comparing yourself to others. It’s unproductive and often undermines your confidence and sense of self-worth.
Second, stop focusing on what someone else has done to you in the past.
The past is done. You can’t do anything to change it, and when you keep focusing on it, you keep it alive in your mind and your body. You do physical damage to your physical wellbeing because your brain floods you with the hormones associated with pain and loss all over again. That’s why you feel bad – because your brain can’t tell the difference between the event and the memory of the event.
When you’re rolling around in the pain and loss, break out that Disney princess song – let it go, let it go! You’re the only person in charge of your feelings, so take charge!
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Maybe something like this has happened in your office or your life: someone tells you something about another person, and what you hear makes you feel a bit guarded about that person.
Maybe you think back on something that happened that you didn’t understand, and now, with this new information, it makes perfect sense. That person is bad! They’re stirring up intrigue…they’re trying to take your job or your significant other or whatever. You stew over this new revelation about that person and you vow to not fall for their games. You put up your guard when you’re around them, and maybe even warn others about them.
Oops…you have violated the Golden Rule.
Can you think of a time when someone misjudged you? Remember thinking, “why didn’t they talk to me about it?” Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. Instead of going with the flow of your brain making assumptions, do something crazy – ask them. Talk to them. Understand them.
Things go so much better that way.
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My friend Arvind is as wise as he is outspoken. His Facebook posts always garner a lot of attention and a fair amount of debate. So when he wrote, “What a boring world it would be if we all agreed on everything. Respectful debate, engaging conversations, and varied opinions make life flavorful and colorful. No one ever has to agree for me to know I am right” I laughed out loud and asked permission to quote him.
It would be boring if we all agreed on everything. It is important to be respectful in our disagreements so that we can have engaging conversations and incorporate varied opinions into our lives and maybe even beliefs.
That last sentence – “No one ever has to agree with me for me to know I am right” cracks me up and reminds me that, inside our own heads, we’re all right.
Trying to change someone’s mind is like trying to change the weather – impossible and frustrating. Enjoy the differences in life, including differences of opinion and beliefs, without trying to change the other person’s heart or mind. That’s where your peace lives.
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Do you notice when something feels wrong? Do you feel the little hairs on the back of your neck bristle? Do you get that “iceberg in the pit of the stomach” feeling that’s apprehensive to the point of being fearful? What do you do when you notice your body reacting like that?
Please get into the habit of paying close attention.
Your body can sense things in ways that science is only just now beginning to discover. The incredible neural network in your intestinal tract talks to your brain about more than just hunger and digestion. The largest organ in your body, your skin, is in contact with the world outside your body and is able to perceive tiny changes in sound, air movement and other important clues that something might be amiss. So when something feels wrong to you, get into the habit of paying attention to the feelings and to the world around you.
Your body really is trying to tell you something.
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Is life feeling hard for you right now?
In everyone’s life there are times when it feels like we’re the punching bag and life is just landing blows hard and fast. First, remember that it’s just a chapter in your life, not your whole life. Second, instead of focusing on the hard things, look for what’s softer and easier to focus on.
Things like the fur of your pet, the feel of the sun on your skin, the sound of the breeze through the leaves, the flicker and fragrance of a burning candle, the familiar comfort of your favorite blanket or favorite book.
Focus where it’s soft and easy and soon you’ll be through the hard chapter and on to a more enjoyable chapter in your life.
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What are you thinking of right now? What are you doing right now? How are you feeling right now?
And why am I asking so many nosey questions right now?
Because right now matters. A lot. Right now is your life.
You can spend right now thinking about the past, and you’re using up your right now by doing that. You can spend your right now procrastinating, and you’re using up your right now doing that. You can spend your right now feeling sorry for yourself or mad at someone or just feeling blah, and you’re using up your right now by doing that.
Right now is your life. Use it wisely.
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If I asked you what bothers you most, you could probably tell me a list of things pretty quickly.
It’s ok – that’s a very human trait. Even the most positive people focus often enough on what bothers them that they could spit out a list, too. The thing that very positive people have in common is that they also focus on what delights them. They created the habit – consciously or not – of noticing and appreciating good things as well as noticing the irritations in their life.
Did you hear the very good news in what I just said?
If you want to learn to be more positive, teach yourself to notice and appreciate the things that most people take for granted. Enjoy your body’s abilities, whatever they are, to help you navigate your day. Walking is amazing, and if you can’t walk well, isn’t it wonderful that someone created canes, rollators and wheel chairs to get you where you need to go? The taste of food…the smell of your child’s hair…the feel of a light breeze across your skin…the sound of your favorite song. If I asked you what you enjoy most, have that list ready to share, too.
Teach yourself to focus on the good and soon you’ll be bursting with positivity, too.
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Are you a leader, either in your family, your job or your life?
Most of us are leaders in one way or another, whether we know it or not. People look to us for cues on how to navigate a problem in the office, how to deal with yet another break-up, or maybe it’s your child looking to you for reassurance that there really are no imaginary monsters.
In order to be the best leader possible, tap into your loving self, especially when your angry self wants to take over in a difficult moment. Instead of thinking the worst in a situation, think of the most benign reason something might be happening. Instead of condemning, try to commiserate. Instead of blaming, try forgiving.
Your anger only teaches others to hide their mistakes from you. Your compassion teaches them to trust you and learn from you. As a leader, how do you want your people to feel about you?
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Are you looking for love?
Lots of people are – they are either looking for a better relationship than the one they’re currently in, or are looking to be in a relationship. Often, in the looking, people choose relationship partners that are just like the ones they’ve had in the past…some people like to be with people they can help, some like to be with people who like to argue…you’ve seen it in your friends.
Have your friends seen it in you?
If you’re looking for love, stop looking for a moment and examine your previous relationship partners. Our brains like patterns, and look for patterns that are familiar. If you’ve chosen partners who had similar behaviors, it’s normal, and it doesn’t have to be your destiny.
If you want something else, then teach your brain to look for that. When you see a trait in someone that you would like to see in your ideal life partner, appreciate it. Mentally celebrate it. Turn the memory of that wonderfulness over and over inside your head, reveling in the deliciousness that being with someone like that would bring to your life.
Teach your brain what you want, and your brain will look for that new desire, instead of the same old same old.
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A few years ago, I was training one of my dogs in the local park. We were working on a musical freestyle routine – basically a string of dog tricks set to music, so we appeared to be dancing. I overheard someone say, “wow she has no inhibitions at all!” as if it was a bad thing.
When Duffy and I finished up our training session, loaded up and headed home, and as I drove, I thought about the person who made that comment. It’s pretty normal to assume others should have the same sensibilities we have, and to be shocked or surprised when they don’t. I thought back to times when I had judged someone else by my life rules, and realized I didn’t want to do that to people anymore.
You may have heard me say in these podcasts, “what other people think of me is none of my business,” and yet that day, it was my business. That person reminded me that I have no business expecting others to behave the way I think they should, either.
Food for thought for you, too?
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A colleague of mine was cleaning her office recently and ran across a box of childhood paperwork. She found something she’d done in kindergarten, a fill-in-the-blank sheet that the teacher handed out. Her 5-year-old self loved having gym class, making things and defined happiness as “when somebody makes somebody else happy.”
Fast-forward to her grown-up self, and Christine often reminds audiences that “it’s good to have a good day, and it’s better when someone else has a good day because of you.”
The brain science backs that up – when you make someone else happy, witnessing their happiness, or even just thinking about it, boosts your happiness hormones, too. To have a better, more satisfying, more successful life, make at least one person happy each day. That guarantees that you’ll be happy each day, too.
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There is one word you need to remember when you’re feeling overwhelmed. It doesn’t matter what is going on in your life that is creating the feeling of overwhelm – it could be personal, financial, professional, or even all of the above all at once.
There’s still only one word you need to remember… ONE.
All of life is one step at a time, one task at a time, one moment at a time and one breath at a time. One. Just one.
You can’t fix everything you think needs fixing all at once, so focus on one thing you can fix and fix it. The focus on one more thing. And then one more. Time will pass…tension will ease…and most of the time whatever has created the feeling of overwhelm will loosen its grip and move on. And because you’ve focused on one thing, accomplished one thing, and then focused on the next thing, you’ve shown yourself that no matter what is going on, you can still handle it.
One step at a time, one task at a time, one moment at a time and one breath at a time.
Remember one. You got this.
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Today I got some push-back on creating success through creating mental wellbeing and happiness. “It can’t be that simple or everyone would be doing it” is what was said.
And I agree – it does sound easy, these little game-braining tools I throw out there for you to use.
The process is simple – but not easy. The tools are simple – but not easy to remember to use. Remember, the same brain you’re trying to train is running a pattern it’s run for your entire life. It takes focus and commitment to notice a thought that is part of a pattern you’ve followed for years, interrupt the pattern your brain is running and intentionally shift your focus so you can create a new, better-feeling pattern that supports your growth, success and happiness.
So yes, it’s simple and everyone can do it. It’s not easy, which is why everyone’s not doing it. And you can still do it if you want to.
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Doubt is the destroyer of magic. Don’t doubt me on this.
You know that feeling when a great idea pops into your mind? You can’t wait to see how it will play out…can’t wait to start working on the planning stages…can’t wait to tell friends and loved ones all about it. And then that little voice inside your head pipes up with all of the reasons why it can’t and won’t work.
Doubt begins, and once doubt takes hold of your thought process, those good feelings of anticipation, preparation and sharing the excitement just dissolve like morning fog as the day warms up. The magic of the idea…the magic of the moment…the magic of those great feelings vanishes.
Doubt is the destroyer of magic. Next time doubt tries to throw a wet blanket on your great idea, thank it and usher it right out of your mind. Your ideas are too good to let doubt destroy their magic.
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Is there someone in your life who tries to control you through their expectations of you?
It might be a parent or a boss or a friend – anyone. They might look at you after your latest hair appointment and it looks like they smelled something stinky. They might ignore your good work and point out your shortcomings on a project. They might make passive-aggressive comments about your weight or your car or your income.
Those people, if you let them, can gut your self-confidence, so don’t let them. If you’re in a relationship where you can voice your feelings about their behavior, do it. If not, when they try to control you through their disapproval, remind yourself that they are out of line and aren’t living your life.
You are living your life – you are in charge of you – and what you believe about yourself has nothing to do with what they think. PS…please let that last part sink in so you can move through your day and your life confidently, no matter how that judgmental person feels about you.
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Do you ever find yourself comparing where you are in your life, your career or your knowledge with someone else?
It’s very human to measure ourselves against others, and it’s also very human to believe they’re better off, smarter or luckier than we are. It’s that negativity bias at work again – our brains are wired to go to the negative conclusion more than to a positive one.
When you find yourself starting down the comparison road, remind yourself that your brain has that negativity bias, and then remember this: you’re never making an apples-to-apples comparison when you judge yourself against someone else. You aren’t living their life, you don’t know the troubles and triumphs they’ve had, you don’t know what comes easily to them and what comes hard – you don’t really know anything about them.
And they haven’t lived your life, either – you’re both on completely separate paths, even if you’ve been best friends since kindergarten and have attended exactly the same schools and classes. You’re two completely different people, with two completely different sets of life experiences.
Celebrate where you are instead of comparing yourself to where someone else is.
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When you think about your day yesterday, does it feel like it was a successful day, a so-so day or a frustrating day? Stop whatever you’re thinking about right now and think about yesterday.
Who did you smile at yesterday?
Who were you kind to yesterday?
Who did you compliment yesterday?
Whose life did you save yesterday, maybe even without knowing it?
Now how does yesterday feel? We’re so good at focusing on what we think went wrong that we forget to focus on what we did right.
To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” Every day, remember to focus on the good you did the day before.
Because every day, you do succeed.
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Are you a recovering perfectionist, too?
One of the ways that perfectionism showed up in my life was that I wouldn’t try things I felt I couldn’t do. Can you imagine what that did to my self-confidence? Yep, if you just thought “gutted it” you’re exactly right.
When we’re hard on ourselves, expecting perfection from even our first try at something, it often means we lead self-limiting lives and lack confidence. If you think you might be doing that to yourself, even a little bit, try this – once a week, try something you’ve never done before, just as an experiment.
Be playful with it and with yourself – you’re a scientist running an experiment just to see how it goes. When it goes well, great! When it doesn’t go well, put your scientist thinking cap on and try to figure out how it could go better next time.
Get playful with new things and soon your scientist self will boot your perfectionist self right out of the laboratory that is your life.
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Do you worry? Have you been called a worry wart? What the heck is worry, anyway?
Worry in a person with a normally-functional brain is a bad habit that the brain has created – that’s all it is. Our brains have a negativity bias, which means that it’s easier to think a negative thought than it is to think a positive one. Over time, you have let the brain focus on potential negative outcomes, which created the tendency to worry, because the brain developed the habit, or pattern, of focusing on potential negative outcomes.
Has worry ever fixed anything in your life? Probably not. And if you really think about it, the things you’ve worried about probably haven’t even come to pass.
When you worry, you flood your body with stress hormones as it prepares to deal with the bad situation. Put up your mental stop sign at the first sign of worry, and do your best to think of a potential positive outcome instead of a negative one. Get in the habit of anticipating good outcomes instead of bad ones and watch your worry wart tendencies fade away.
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Can I give you a piece of advice? Most people don’t need advice.
Oops…I think I just screwed up right there!
When someone is struggling and needs help, it’s human nature to want to help them, and some help is great and some help is very unhelpful.
I’ll give you a ridiculous example – say someone has fallen on the sidewalk and you rush to help them up. Helpful – yay, you! If you then go on to tell them that their choice of shoes is wrong and they need to wear something more appropriate, that’s unhelpful. You may mean well in the moment, and yet you know nothing about what caused the fall. You know nothing about them at all, you’re just dishing out facts that may or may not be helpful.
Lift them up, literally and figuratively, by letting them know you see them and care about them. That’s the best way to help anyone, no matter what they have going on in their life. If they want your advice, they’ll ask for it.
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Are you in a place in life where you’re feeling out of control? Like the river of life is sweeping you downstream and you not only don’t have an oar to help you steer, you don’t even have a canoe?
What if I told you that’s one of the most powerful places in life to be because of the potential to learn and grow?
When you feel out of control, don’t fight the feeling, believe it. Most of what happens in every single person’s life is out of that person's control, and yet most of us try hard to create the outcome we want.
How has that worked out for you in the past? Yeah, me neither!
When you feel out of control, embrace the feeling. Examine the feeling. Love the feeling, because that out of control feeling is reminding you to let go of the outcome and trust yourself to be able to deal with whatever happens. That’s where your power is.
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Do you ever get advice from people, warning you that when you’re old you’ll wish you did things differently?
I’m childless by choice. Even when I was only single-digits old I knew I didn’t want to raise children. Well-meaning people said things like, “who will take care of you when you’re old” and “some day when it’s too late you’ll regret not having a family.”
People who say things like that are trying to get you to measure yourself against their yardstick. They might be even a little jealous of your braveness in making a decision so different than what they would do.
When you hear their well-meaning advice, think about this – do you want to make your decisions based on what feels right to you, or do you want to shape your life based on what someone else thinks you should do?
Shake off the “shoulds” of others and live your life on your own terms.
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Is there someone you know who is unkind to you, or unkind about you behind your back?
At some point in most peoples’ lives we have to deal with a petty, insecure, bitter person who targets us with gossip, hostility and even bullying.
It’s not fun to be the recipient of this kind of treatment – believe me, I’ve been there! – and it’s easy to feel like we have to defend ourselves against it.
Don’t.
You just give the other person more energy and ammunition to torment you with. Instead, can you ignore them? Can you find compassion for them? Can you know, in the depths of your soul, that what this person is doing to you isn’t about you at all, it’s about them?
When you can truly understand that they are broken, when you can feel compassion for their brokenness and be OK with keeping them at arms’ length, then you are making the best of an uncomfortable situation.
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Do you feel good when someone compliments you?
Most people like when someone else notices them in a positive way. And yet it can be tough to acknowledge the compliment. Often, instead of accepting the compliment, they parry back with something like, “oh, I just threw this outfit on – it’s nothing special,” or “you think my hair looks good? It’s so unruly today!”
If you respond to compliments in a self-deprecating way, can I suggest something else? Smile and say thank you. That’s all you have to do and say. Look the other person in the eye, smile, and say thank you.
With their compliment, they’re acknowledging that they see you and appreciate you. When you argue with them, you negate their lovely action. Instead, acknowledge them – smile and say thank you.
The bonus is when you accept compliments graciously you bolster your own self-confidence!
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Have you ever pushed through physical exhaustion?
Have you ever kept working on something when your brain was fried?
Have you ever been on the brink of tears, swallowed hard and hidden your feelings from those around you?
Society puts up statues for people who’ve done heroic things, which makes us think that we should push ourselves hard – far too hard sometimes.
When you deny your body the rest it needs, you invite injury.
When you push your brain to focus when it is screaming for rest, you invite injury and mental breakdown.
When you swallow your feelings instead of addressing them in the moment, you lie to yourself and those around you and you undermine your own sense of self-empowerment.
Honor your body when it needs rest. Honor your brain when it says it needs a break. Honor your feelings, understand them, own them and move through them, as you would move through a rainstorm and come out fine on the other side.
You matter. Honor you.
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Do you feel ashamed when you fail at something? Many people do – it’s almost like we’re hard-wired to beat ourselves up when things don’t go as we planned.
Can I give you a different way to feel? And remember that you can feel one way, decide it’s not the way you want to feel, and talk yourself into a different feeling – that’s called neuroplasticity and you can rewire your brain by intentionally changing your thoughts and feelings.
When you try something and it doesn't turn out the way you expected, banish the automatic feeling of shame and congratulate yourself. You tried. You went for it. You learned something new – at the very least, you learned a way that won’t work. Next time you try it, you’ll have a different, better outcome because through the failure, you learned and grew and changed.
Yay, you!
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Someone I know lives in a bubble of her own creating. She can’t see beyond the bubble, and inside her bubble everyone has the potential to be evil. She sees bad motives nearly everywhere, even in what the rest of us would consider very benign behavior. When anyone tries to suggest that not everything is bad, she’s very good at pointing out the badness in even the best things.
Do you know someone like that?
They’re very tiring to be around, and no matter how hard you try, you’ll never speak words that will touch their heart in a way that they’ll see the world in a more balanced way. The best you can do is set a great example of love and acceptance.
Yes, you even have to accept their choice to live inside their negativity bubble. People like this can be hard to be around – use them like free weights to help you build up your love muscles. Love them in spite of the bubble they’ve trapped themselves in.
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Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “perception is reality.” In marketing this is proved over and over again as people pay more money for an inferior product that they’ve been led to believe is superior and necessary in their lives.
There’s a more personal application though – what you believe is what you see.
Your perception of an event is shaped by all the life you’ve lived before that event, and by what the people who raised you believed about such events. Their perception becomes your perception, and so when you see this event in your life, you think and feel and behave accordingly.
If you believe it is bad to run a red light, you’re far less likely to run a red light, plus you’re far more likely to have a negative perception of someone who does. That’s a simplistic example, and here’s the point: Everyone’s life has shaped them differently, so their perception and reality could be quite different than yours.
And you’re both right.
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Can you give yourself 5 minutes at some point today? Five minutes alone, just you and a pen and a blank piece of paper?
Just five minutes…can you do it?
When you do, here’s a mental game you can play that can help focus you on what matters in your life. When you’re alone, take a minute to think about your dream life – who’s in it? What’s in it? Where is it? Write it all down on that blank piece of paper. Be as detailed or as general as you want – write down your dreams.
If you run out of paper before you run out of time, great. If you run out of ideas before you run out of time and paper, that’s ok, too.
Give yourself five minutes a day to write down the ingredients of your dream life – when you make it a habit, your dreams come into clear focus for you, making them easier to achieve.
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Do you ever look back on things you’ve done in the past and felt bad about how you behaved? Maybe you think you over-reacted, or maybe you think you were unfair or unkind. Maybe you even feel shame to the point of blushing or wanting to cry every time you think of it?
That’s your body, reminding you that your brain can’t tell the difference between the event and memories of the event. Here’s the deal – you can’t change the past because it happened. It’s over and done with.
You can change the present – which is new in every moment that you live.
Right now, stop dredging up memories that make you feel bad. Stop. Stop it!! There is nothing you can do about it and while you’re thinking about it, you’re damaging your physical and mental wellbeing.
Your physical and mental wellbeing are of paramount importance, don’t you agree? So much more important than re-telling old stories you don’t like the ending of, anyway. Each time a bad memory tries to rear its ugly head, laugh and say, “that was then, this is now, and I’m in charge of my now.”
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Quick…do a body-check. Where are your muscles tight?
In your forehead?
Your jaw?
Your neck or your hands?
Chances are that at least one of those places in your body was holding some tension instead of being relaxed. Do you ever wonder what that is? That’s stress hormones expressing themselves in your body.
One of the most common places we hold stress is in our shoulders, clenching upper back muscles and shoulder muscles so hard that our shoulders rise significantly. Know why that is? Because the neck is a very vulnerable stalk that connects the brain to the being, so it’s the first place the body tries to protect in a stressful situation.
Make a point of doing a body-check for tight muscles several times a day, and when you find tight shoulders, ask if there’s really anything in your life in that moment that is truly threatening your neck? Of course not, so laugh, relax, and get on with a less stressful day.
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I remember being a child who loved bedtime stories. Mom or Dad read stories to us, and I longed for the day I could look at the funny black squiggles on the page and make them come to life, too.
Now I read all the time, never giving a second thought to the major growth in my abilities that learning to read represents.
You, too? What talents do you have now that you once dreamed of having? What abilities do you have now that you take for granted? And what can we both do so we’ll remember how far we’ve come in life, and remember to celebrate that growth?
We as humans take our strengths – even those we worked hard to learn and develop – for granted. We mentally downplay our own superpowers because we mistakenly believe that what comes easily to us now is easy for everyone else, too. No, it’s not.
You ARE special. You worked for the growth you have achieved. Celebrate your unique talents and abilities for the evidence of the progress you’ve made in your life.
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Can you think of a time in your life where there was a major upheaval? Maybe you lost a loved one, a marriage or even something as seemingly positive as graduating with a degree you’ve worked hard for years to earn.
Life was suddenly different and you were suddenly left feeling slightly confused and quite unmotivated. When that happens, it’s very human to beat ourselves up to try to kick-start some momentum, and that just adds to the problem.
The feelings of confusion and lack of motivation in the wake of a major life change are NORMAL. The brain likes to run patterns, and suddenly a major pattern has been disrupted. The pattern-running part of the brain suddenly can’t run normally, and the feelings of confusion and sleepwalking through your life are common. And here’s the good news – they’re also fleeting for most people.
Be kind to yourself in the wake of a major life change, safe in the knowledge that you and your brain are creating new patterns to go with your new life.
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Today, things went wrong for me, right out of the gate.
The alarm didn’t go off.
The computer wouldn’t boot up.
Both dogs were misbehaving, one very loudly, and there was no time for my normal morning routine because…the alarm didn’t go off!
Maybe you’ve had days that start like that? It’s easy to let the beginning of the day set the tone for how your day goes, and it’s important to remember that we have the power to decide. I remembered that things work out just the way they’re supposed to, and always in my favor in the long run.
A mid-morning appointment went better than expected.
The mailbox held a couple of delightful surprises.
And I’m finishing up the day sitting on the sun porch, two dogs napping in shafts of late-day sun while an early fall breeze carries birdsong and the scent of flowering basil on it.
The frustrations of this morning were washed away by the decision to have a great day, in spite of how it started. You can do this too – next time your day gets off to a challenging start, I challenge you to remember that things work out for you, too, and to look for the things that go well in that day.
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Do you think of yourself as a caring person?
Be honest about this – do you care about the people in your family? On your team? Do you care about your pets? Pollution? Recycling? Politics? The world?
You have to have said “yes” to at least a few of those questions, so you are, in fact, a caring person. My bet is that, at least on a topic or two, you sometimes have to choose between doing what feels like the caring thing – pleasing another person – and what you need to do for yourself.
Admit it – sometimes you do something you’d rather not do or something that interferes with what you really want or need to do for yourself.
That presents a deep dilemma – please yourself or please someone else. The more often you put yourself second in that equation, the more you gut your sense of self-worth. The more often you put yourself second, the more stress you pile on yourself, whether you realize it at the time or not. The more often you put yourself second, the more the people around you will put you and your needs second, too.
Don’t teach people how to abuse you, and please stop abusing yourself. Your needs come first – when you do that, you have much more to give to others.
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Are you unhappy in your work life most of the time?
Maybe, when you first started doing what you’re doing, you were elated, looking forward to making a difference through the work you’ve chosen. Fast-forward to today, where maybe most days you walk through the front door feeling dread about some of the people or some of the tasks ahead of you.
What changed, and more importantly, what can you do about it?
First, prioritize your wellbeing into the equation – you’ll need to either find a way to regain your enthusiasm for where you are or you’ll need to be OK with making a change in where you are. Once you understand that you are free to choose the path that suits you best, you’ll feel more empowered and in control.
Then take an objective look at what’s creating the unhappiness – make a list of everything you can think of. Then look for commonalities, including what you’re bringing to those situations. Decide to fix what’s in your power to fix, or decide to find a work situation that’s more suited to your goals, values and talents.
You’re in control of you – choose the path that’ll let you be joyful and joyous at work.
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Want to lead a fabulous life, secure in the knowledge that you can handle whatever this world throws at you?
Embrace your imperfections.
You heard that right – accept that you are human, you will screw up, and that when you do, you didn’t intend to hurt anyone or cause a problem. You were just being fabulously human, imperfect you.
I am a recovering perfectionist – but only where I am concerned. I never expected others to be perfect, but I did expect me to get everything right all the time.
Wow…that’s exhausting, and impossible, and a the sure-fire way to gut your self-confidence.
So go ahead – I dare you to do what I did – embrace your imperfections and go out and live your fabulous life. Things will go wrong. You’ll handle them. Feelings might get hurt. You’ll heal them. Friends who love you will love you even more, and the best part is – you’ll understand why they love you and you’ll love you, too.
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Have you heard the saying, “your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn?” The meaning behind that is pretty clear – foster a happy disposition and you’ll have a happier day, and foster a grumpy disposition and you’ll have a grumpier day.
How can you foster a happier disposition?
The easiest way to do that is to have a morning routine that supports your mental wellbeing. Think about what makes your heart happy first thing in the morning.
Maybe it’s quiet time drinking coffee and listening to the birds in your neighborhood.
Maybe it’s some alone time reading an inspirational or motivational book.
Or maybe it’s a three-mile run through the streets of your town.
Whatever it is, build it into your schedule and let what you love to do support you on a daily basis. That’s how you foster a happier disposition, and how you will enjoy your days more because you’ve intentionally created upturned corners on your mouth.
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Is someone on your team a bit…difficult? Defensive? Withdrawn? Uncommunicative? Is this new behavior or something that’s been there all along, and now it’s bothering you?
If it’s new behavior, chances are that something is going on in their life that they’re not processing well. Help them – offer to listen, and then listen. Resist the urge to talk – let them unfold their problem to you without interrupting or trying to offer suggestions.
The less you talk, the more they’ll feel heard, and the more willing they’ll be to change the way they’re behaving at work.
If their difficult behavior has been there for as long as you’ve worked with them, it’s up to you to find a way to mentally let go of it. Go to MSU – when they’re defensive, make up a story in your head that they were raised by wolves and can’t behave in a civilized fashion. Make yourself laugh with your Making Stuff Up stories inside your head and soon you won’t even remember why you didn’t want to be around them.
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Are you feeling a little bit stuck? Most of us do, from time to time. When a big decision is looming, stuckness can feel overwhelming.
I remember at the end of my 30-year marriage, when I had to figure out where I could live with two dogs, a bunch of furniture and very little cash flow – there were days when I didn’t even want to get out of bed!
Here’s the good news, though – I wasn’t stuck then and you’re truly never stuck, either. You might feel stuck, just like I did, and we both were missing the big picture – life is always changing from one moment to the next, offering new opportunities, ideas and energy. We just have to remember that, and be open to considering the possibilities.
So the next time you get that “stuck” feeling, remind yourself that life goes on and you’re going with it. Then take a deep breath, square up your shoulders and look for the ideas, opportunities and possibilities that are all around you.
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Did something happen to you that really upset you? Do you find yourself telling that story over and over again, either to others or inside your own head?
When you do that, you are literally reliving the event. Your brain can’t tell the difference between the actual event and your retelling of it, so it floods you with the same stress hormones it did when the event happened. It speeds your respiration and heart rate, causes your muscles to tense and re-creates the awful feelings of “fight or flight” in your body and your mind.
The only difference between the actual event and retelling the event in your head or to others is – you didn’t do anything bad to yourself when it happened, and you are the ONLY person doing something bad to yourself in the retelling. Until you stop telling that story you will never be free of the trauma you’re inflicting on yourself.
Let.It.Go.
Release the need to relive and retell old traumas and you’ll release an enormous amount of tension and stress in your life.
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Something isn’t better than nothing.
Let me say that again…something is NOT better than nothing.
Ok, if we’re talking about material objects or money, something can be better than nothing. If we’re talking about relationships, it’s always better to have the relationship you want and need, instead of a relationship that doesn’t suit you in every way.
It doesn’t mean you’re with a bad person or you are a bad person for wanting more – most people are good people, and yet most people are not a good fit for you. Finding the person who makes your heart sing is always worth the wait. Why settle for someone who makes your heart mutter when you can – and will! – find one who makes it sing?
Someone isn’t better than no one, and the wrong person being in your life will keep the right person from showing up.
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What are you living for? What lights you up and makes you want to do it more and more? What do you love so much you’d do it for free if you had no bills to pay?
That’s what you need to do more of.
For me, it’s doing things with my dogs, and with people who love dog sports. I love dog sports so much that my Wednesdays are loaded up with dog training classes that I’m either taking or teaching.
Whatever it is for you, honor your need to have it in your life. Schedule it into your calendar when you can – plan vacations around it – invite friends who love it to join you in doing what you love.
When you do what you love to do, it elevates everything else you do because it’s a wonderful way to relieve stress. So find that thing that you’re living for and do it as much as you possibly can.
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Are you in any sort of leadership position? It could be in your family, your job, your church, your hobby – whatever. If you make decisions that affect others, you’re in a leadership position.
And the very best leaders aren’t bosses, they’re inspirers.
They inspire those around them to want to work towards a goal set by the leader. They inspire those around them to do more than is required of them. They inspire those around them to grow into a better version of themselves.
The truth is, to be a great leader means you hold up a beautiful mirror for each person you lead, showing them their strengths and their superpowers, and allowing them to showcase those strengths in the work they do. A great leader spends their time creating more great leaders.
Now the secret is out – you know it – how will it affect the way you lead your team? Mirror, mirror on the wall – you can be the best leader of them all!
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Get ready to go deep – who do you look to for permission?
When I was a young woman just out of school, still trying to figure out who I was and what I would do in the world, I felt the need for permission. As a child and while we’re in school, adults around us give us permission – permission to play outside before doing homework, permission to wear something daring, permission to leave the classroom for a bio-break, permission to skip PE class – you remember all that, right?
It’s kind of jarring to be out on your own with no one granting permission for the dozens of things you want or need to do each day. If you’re still looking for someone to give you permission, or are allowing someone in your life to be the person you look to for it, you’re giving away your power.
Each time you feel the need to ask permission, remind yourself that you’re in charge of you, and no one else is. Give yourself permission to stop asking for permission!
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Do you ever have days where you feel powerless? Talk yourself into your power.
Seriously.
When you’re feeling frustrated with a situation you can’t resolve, sad about something you can’t change, or even depressed about where you are in life, find a place where you can give yourself a good talking-to. A loving talking-to, out loud, is just what you need to remember just who you are.
When you’re alone, start talking, reminding yourself of the achievements you’ve made in your life so far. Reminding yourself of the good you put out into the world on a daily basis. Reminding yourself of the love and loyalty you give to those who are important to you. Keep talking until you don’t feel powerless, you feel powerful. You remember who you are. You know what’s in your power to change and what isn’t, and you remember to let go of what you can’t change and focus on what you can.
Talk yourself into your power on a daily basis – it’s a great habit to create!
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Do you find it difficult to make decisions? A friend never wants to be the one to decide which restaurant we’ll go to or what time to be somewhere or even what drink to order.
If you also find it tough to make decisions, this Tiny Bite is for you. Someone in your life taught you to feel wrong or uncapable of making good decisions, so now you may not feel confident in your ability to decide.
Confidence comes from experience. Make more decisions. Make small ones at first – ones that only affect you. The white phone case or the red one? Don’t try to figure out the “best” decision, just choose the one that makes you smile. Pretty soon you’ll start feeling more confident about making bigger decisions and then you’ll look back on your old, indecisive self and wonder who that person was.
Make decisions. Feel confident. Lather, rinse, repeat!
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Do you ever feel a bit unworthy? Most of us do from time to time, and sadly, some people live there.
Where does the feeling of unworthiness come from? From being told and shows that we had to do more or be better in order to deserve good things in life. Those subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle messages come from everywhere – parents, religions, advertisements – and are 100% false.
You were born worthy. If your heart is beating right now, you are worthy of whatever you want in life. The only person stopping you is you, listening to old programming that was never right.
Decide what you want, design the best path to it, and go for it, you worthy person.
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Who is deciding your future? Is it you, or is it the default you?
What…you didn’t know there’s a default you? Yep…we all have one. It’s that version of ourselves who sits on the couch watching tv mindlessly. It’s that version of ourselves that hits the drive through instead of the grocery store. It’s that version of ourselves that promises to stop that bad habit…tomorrow.
Habits are hard-wired into our brains by repetition – the more you do something, the easier it is to keep doing it. That’s good when it’s something good like brushing and flossing, and not so good when it comes to other things.
Make the brain’s love of routine work for you – pick one thing you’d like to stop doing, focus on it, and each time you find yourself doing it, do something fun instead. For instance, I wanted to keep the TV off until after dinner, feeding dogs and cleaning the kitchen was done each day. Each time I found myself reaching for the remote, I picked up a dog toy instead and played with my dogs a little bit.
Figure out your version of fun, do it consistently and pretty soon your old routine won’t be a bad habit anymore!
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The first day of something new is kinda scary, right? Even if it’s something you’ve dreamed of, worked for and finally achieved, walking in on that first day can be very daunting. The fear might even threaten to make you turn tail and run.
I remember the very first time I turned on the microphone in the radio studio to talk – if the guy who was training me hadn’t been standing right behind me, I might still be running, and that was a few decades ago!
When you first experience something you’ve planned, worked and dreamed of, the fear might be so strong that you feel like you have to give up.
Don’t.
Instead, take a deep breath, stand up a little straighter and walk like you have a crown on your head. You did it…now go do it!
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Wisdom is where you find it, right? A meme rolled across my Facebook news feed the other day, and it simply said “Be selectively ignorant of everything irrelevant.”
Wow…at first it made me question whether I wanted to identify as “ignorant.” Most of us don’t, right?
Think of the power of that twisted little sentiment, though – when you can be selectively ignorant of things that don’t matter to you, think of all the things you can tune out of. Things like people complaining about everything…things like news stories the media is focusing on that don’t touch your life at all…things like all the little things you can’t do a thing about and yet for some strange reason you find yourself focusing on them.
When you find yourself thinking about something that doesn’t make you feel good, examine it – is it irrelevant? Turn on your selective ignorance and shine on!
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Do you have days where you feel emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day? And do you have days where your workload was the same as normal and instead of being tired at the end of the day, you felt inspired, maybe even elated?
What’s the difference between the good days and the draining days? If the work you do is basically the same, and the people you deal with are basically the same, what’s different?
It’s your focus.
At the end of each day, pay attention to how you feel – exhausted or exhilarated or somewhere in between – and then think about what seemed to dominate your day.
There’s an old saying – it’s not climbing the mountain that wears you out, it’s the pebble in your shoe as you climb. Identify the pebbles in your life and do your best to not focus on them. Support your mental wellbeing on a daily basis.
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What would happen if you treated your thoughts like an experiment? Not all of them – treat your automatic negative thoughts and feelings like an experiment – question them.
Next time something sets you off, instead of going with the flow of the negativity, try to step back and observe the reaction and question it – “where did it come from, why is it coming up now and is it necessary that I feel this way”?
If you’re stuck in the automatic negativity your answers might be something like, “what that idiot driver just did caused this, and of course I have a right to feel this way!” Truthful, perhaps, and completely unhelpful. Step back a bit further – why are you angry and do you want to be?
You’re angry because you usually get angry at what looks like a dumb decision made by another driver. Do you have to get angry? No, of course not – it’s a habit. Do you want to feel angry? Empirically, no, but your body could be addicted to the adrenaline the anger produces.
From your position of observer, decide how you’d rather feel. Calm is better than angry, right? So next time a driver does something stupid, could you choose to laugh it off and move on with your day? When you can, you win!
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Think about the people you deal with all the time – how many of them do you love? If you have a spouse or partner, children, parents, siblings and other relatives, you might love them most of the time. There might be co-workers that you’re very fond of and occasionally feel love for.
When was the last time you felt love for yourself? Think about it – seriously. When was the last time you felt love for yourself?
The hardest person on the planet for you to love…is you. And the only person you will spend your entire life with…is you.
If you want your life to be as pleasant as possible, try to love the person you’ll spend your life with. Find one new thing every week to love about yourself and focus on appreciating that thing about yourself. Maybe you’re a rock-star friend who is always there for your friends – love that aspect of yourself. Maybe you have really pretty eyelashes – loves that aspect of yourself. Each week choose something about yourself to love and focus on remembering to love that piece of you several times a day for the whole week.
When you practice loving yourself you’re better equipped to love others, too.
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Is something chewing at you right now?
I remember back when I was first married, had a bunch of friends and a husband who loved his circle of friends. Call me slow – it took me a while to realize that he expected me to do couples things with his friends and was never available to do things with mine. One day he said, “my friends are our friends, your friends are yours.”
That hurt.
I fretted and stewed about it for days, trying to understand such a strange, anti-social point of view from a man who seemed to be very social and extroverted. I’m not ashamed to tell you I cried over it. I didn’t jettison the friends, just lived a segregated life where they were concerned. I’m proud to tell you that if the same thing happened today I’d wonder what was wrong with the husband, not what was wrong with the friends.
What’s changed? I’ve learned and grown as a person, and I bet if you looked back in your life, you’d find a thing or two that you’d do differently. Look at how you’ve grown as a person – appreciate and celebrate how you’ve grown as a person, and realize that as long as you’re breathing you’ll be learning and growing.
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What is it that makes one person be mean to another? What is it that makes one person constantly bully another? What is it that makes one person try to destroy another?
It’s the same answer for all three questions – pain.
Insecure people, people who are afraid of losing out, and people who mount behind-the-back smear campaigns designed to ruin someone else’s reputation or chances for advancement are people who are in pain, maybe even mental anguish.
The truth is that people who behave like bullies and cut-throats are people who don’t know how to get what they want. They’re stuck in two-year-old behavior, throwing blocks and toy cars instead of sharing. The adult version of throwing blocks can look more like passive-aggressive comments, openly aggressive comments and behind-the-back smear campaigns, and yet it’s still throwing blocks.
Ignore their bad behavior, feel sorry for their lack of socialization and move on with your life.
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Are you harder on yourself than you are on your team and your family members? Do you set high expectations for yourself and beat yourself up when you don’t quite hit the mark? Do you sometimes find yourself calling yourself things you would never call anyone else? Things like clumsy, clueless and maybe even stupid?
Consider this – what if you were as hard on one of your co-workers as you are on yourself? What if you talked to them out loud the way you talk to yourself inside your head? How would that change your relationship with them? How would it change the quality of work they were willing to do for you? How would you feel about yourself, talking to someone else like that?
I’m gonna let that sink in…and then tell you something that will change your relationship with yourself. If high expectations and being hard on yourself worked, wouldn’t your life be perfect now?
Stop mentally treating yourself like a rented mule and start treating yourself like your most valuable teammate – because that’s who you are.
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So much busyness!
Some days I feel consumed by all that needs to get done – do you ever feel that way, too? I keep a “to do” list on a white board in my office as a way to keep me focused, especially when my thoughts want to wander in a different direction.
It’s good to be focused and productive, and sometimes it’s good to flip a proverbial bird at your to-do list and go rest instead. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, rest. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your productivity that day.
Recognize the difference between a wandering mind and an exhausted one. One needs focus, the other needs you to close the door, turn down the lights, close your eyes and just be. Meditate or simply relax with deep, slow breaths for ten minutes or so. When you’re mentally exhausted those quiet minutes are your key to recharging yourself.
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Did you do something today that made you smile? Maybe it even gave you goosebumps or made you a tiny bit teary eyed? Revisit that – what did you do that created that moment of happiness inside you?
Today I saw a mom and her daughter walking hand-in-hand in a parking lot. They were going into the store I just came out of. Mom looked frazzled and her 3- or 4-year-old girl was lagging behind looking like she might burst into tears at any moment. The little girl and I locked eyes, I smiled at her and told her she was the best helper for her mom and wasn’t it fun to help her in stores. Her little face went from mad to curious, and then I said she needed a shirt that said Best Helper Ever because that’s what she was.
It was like a cloud lifted off of her – she lit up with a smile, skipped a step or two to catch up with her mom and my guess is that the shopping experience was better for them both today. And I had to wipe my eyes a little bit.
I don’t know where the words came from, and sometimes you won’t know where you get them either. When you have an experience like that, play it like a movie inside your head whenever you need a little boost. You do good things in the world – give yourself credit for them!
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Do you have a tough time accepting a compliment? Many people do – myself included! If your knee-jerk response when someone praises you for your looks, your outfit, your work, whatever, is to deflect the praise, try this instead: “thank you!”
Praise is the ultimate soul food – if you’re not in the habit of dishing it out, start today. Look for something to praise in people you interact with, either on a daily basis or casually. When you see someone with a great smile, tell them. When you’re at the gas station with someone who drives the same kind of car you do, tell them they have excellent taste in cars. When someone on your team shows initiative, praise them for it.
When you’re comfortable dishing out praise, you become more comfortable accepting it with those two simple words – “thank you!”
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Do you what-if yourself? Most of us do. Sadly, because of the negativity bias in our brains, most of that what-iffing takes us down a negative path.
What if the car won’t start? What if I get caught in traffic? What if I work hard and don’t get the promotion? What if I get the promotion and don’t like the new boss? What if … arrrrgggggghhhhh! Stop it!
What if the car starts like it does every day? What if your drive to work is like it usually is? What if you do get the promotion, and you love your new boss?
It’s so easy to let our minds wander through self-made mine fields. Catch yourself what-iffing and consciously what-if in a fun, positive way.
What if a unicorn slides down from a rainbow, lands on a leprechaun and they shower you with the pot of gold? What-if yourself until you’re laughing, and go have a great day!
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Tik Tok challenges…Instagram influencers…Twitter mobs…the pressure to think and do alike has never been more intense.
This is hard for children, teens, and adults to handle. As humans, we’re hard-wired towards community, which includes a desire to fit in. We were raised by people who used the concept of approval and disapproval to teach us how to sculpt our behavior, our beliefs and even our looks to please those around us.
It’s no wonder that, even though the world seems to be preaching an appreciation of diversity and inclusion, the subtle messages we get all day long from media – mainstream as well as social – is to fit in. But to live who we authentically are is vital to mental wellbeing.
You don’t have to live yourself out loud, though if that works for you then go for it. Simply resisting the pressure to do thing, be things and think things because it’s what everyone else is doing is you, standing in your power and your authenticity. Go, you!
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Do you ever feel wishy-washy?
Most of us do sometimes, and the quickest way to snap out of that helpless powerless feeling is to make more decisions. You make a lot of decisions every day without realizing it. Some decisions are pretty low-impact, like what color your outfit will be today. Some decisions are more impactful, like will you do the drive-through for dinner or go home and whip up something healthier?
Pay attention to the decisions you make as you’re making them, and pay attention to how you feel after each decision. Celebrate the decisions that make you feel good and make a mental note of the decisions that you may not want to make again because they didn’t make you feel good.
Noticing your decisions as you make them, noticing how they play out and make you feel and then making a decision about how to make the best choice for you in the future is brain-training that will create a better, more successful life for you.
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I have a friend who says she has a sigh meter. When something is beautiful to her, she says it moves her sigh meter. When something touches her heart, she says it moves her sigh meter. When a situation is just right she says it moves her sigh meter.
I love her sigh meter, have stolen it for myself and suggest you think about using it too.
When you’re appreciating a thing or a feeling or a situation enough to realize it, then you’re present. When you’re present, you are at your most observant. When you’re observant, you can learn and grow and connect deeply with the people around you.
So be like my friend – take your sigh meter with you wherever you go and remember to notice it when it moves. You’ll be surprised at what you’ll learn about yourself and the world!
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Can you say this out loud? “Your approval or disapproval doesn’t matter to me.”
If that just shocked you or scared you, it’s ok – most people can’t comfortably say that without lots and lots of practice and self-reflection. What if I told you that being able to say and mean that is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to yourself … would you be willing to hear me out?
Children are raised to sculpt their behavior based on the approval or disapproval of the adults around them. Were you a child once? Then you were indoctrinated in the notion that in order to succeed, you needed to care what others thought of your words and actions.
Starting today, when you’re by yourself, start saying “your approval or disapproval doesn’t matter to me” in front of a mirror. Say it several times a day until it feels true. Then, when you need it for real, you’ll be ready to stand up for who you really are.
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Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “don’t look back – you’re not going that way.” Heck, I’ve said it in at least two of the 300+ Tiny Bite podcasts before this one.
Oops…I just looked back!
Where are you going in life? If you’re like most people, you have a general – or maybe very specific – idea of where you’d like to be in two years or five years or ten years, and not one of those goals includes finding a time machine and going backwards.
Progress means to move forward or onward in space and time and that’s the direction you’re going. So you can look back if you want to, but only to encourage those who are following you. Otherwise, don’t look back because you’re not going that way.
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It’s ok to do nothing.
Many of us are raised to value constant movement and work. We feel our worth by what we produce and how much we do and how busy we are. There is value in doing what you’ve agreed to do efficiently and well, and because you’re human, there exists the necessity for rest.
Sometimes people say “I’ll rest when I’m dead” or “you can rest when you’re dead” and guess what? That’ll make you dead quicker than if you rest along the way.
The human body, mind and soul need rest, and it’s imperative for your health to rest when you need it.
Feeling worn out or burned out? Do nothing. Do nothing unapologetically. It’s up to you to take care of you. If you don’t do it, who will?
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Do you lead a team that could work together better than they currently do? Try laughter.
Research into laughter – not the face people make when they laugh, but the sound they make – shows that people who laugh together like each other. And people who like each other want to collaborate and succeed together.
I’m not telling you to whip out old copies of Mad Magazine – just look for times when you’re all together and can share a laugh. That “all together” part is very important – laughter has a dark side when it’s used socially to ridicule a person. If there’s a sitcom dealing with your industry, maybe have a shared lunch each week and watch an episode. Find stories you can tell on yourself so that you’re the butt of the joke that your team can laugh along with. If something happens and it makes your team laugh, see if it could be a running joke. As long as it isn’t at a co-worker’s expense or making fun of a client, create a running joke and run with it.
The more you and the team laugh together, the better you’ll work together.
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Do you know that it’s ok to say “no” and stop right there?
It’s perfectly ok to want to help when someone asks you to, evaluate the request, realize that it will take too much time or too much energy or too much whatever, and say “no.” You don’t need to give a reason for your answer.
Reasons don’t matter anyway, and feel like excuses to the other person. Even worse, if the other person really wants your help, they can use your reasons against you, defusing them one by one until you’re boxed into doing something you don’t want to do. And knowing you and your kind heart, you’ll do it, hopefully without beating yourself up about it.
If you can suggest a person better equipped to fulfill the request, by all means suggest them. If a request feels like something you can’t or don’t want to do, don’t do it. And don’t explain why, either.
“No” is a complete sentence that will serve you and your mental wellbeing very very well.
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Are you waiting for that perfect person to come along and complete you? The person who makes your life worth living and who will be your partner and best friend for life?
The romantic notion of that once-in-a-lifetime love is so pervasive in society and yet it’s as much a fairy tale as Cinderella or Jack and the Beanstalk.
Love has to come from you before it can come to you, so if you want to feel love, just go ahead and decide to feel it.
Feel love for your car.
Feel love for your pillow.
Feel love for your pets if you have any.
Feel love for the woman struggling with her crying child in the cereal aisle of the grocery store.
Really feel the love – feel love for yourself. Appreciate your body and whatever it does to support you through the day. Feel love for what you know and what you’ve done and what you’ve overcome to be the person you are today.
Feel love for the real perfect person in your life – the one who completes you, celebrates your growth, makes your life worth living and is your best friend for life – you.
When you learn to love yourself as if you are the love of your life, love can’t help but flow to you from others.
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Are you like me - a big fan of process?
Do you like processes that are science-backed?
Would you like a simple, science-based process for self-development?
Here you go – a study conducted by the University College of London in 2009 and published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that a behavior can be changed, and that it takes an average of 66 days to do it.
Here is your formula – form the intention to change or add a certain behavior, perform the behavior around an already-established behavior each day, keep a log or journal as you work to add the behavior and don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day. Just do it the next day as if nothing happened.
Soon, you won’t have to think about doing the new thing – it will be a practice, then will be a routine, and then it will feel weird to not do it.
Got something you want to stop doing or start doing? Now you have the process. Neuroplasticity for the win!
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Do you feel loyalty to anyone or anything in your life? Do you feel loyal to your employer? Your partner? Your school or your mentor or your dentist? Just what is loyalty, anyway?
The Oxford dictionary defines it as a strong feeling of support or allegiance, and for most people there are a handful of people and institutions that they feel loyal towards.
Remember, though – you can feel loyal towards a person and they may seem to be loyal to you when they’re really only loyal to their need of you. When they don’t need what you were giving them anymore, watch the loyalty you thought you had vanish as the person vanishes from your life.
It’s OK – let them go. You’re worth true loyalty, the kind of loyalty you give, not the fair-weather kind that person gave you.
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Have you and a friend had a falling-out?
Is it a big one – the kind where you won’t talk for days or maybe even weeks?
Have you had that kind of falling-out with the same friend before?
If so, it’s time to examine what that friendship really is. Is it just a habit? Is it a co-dependency? Is it a need to hang on to a certain period or part of your life experience, no matter how dysfunctional holding on to it might feel at times?
Before you try to heal this falling-out with your friend, ask yourself how this friendship makes you feel. Do you usually have fun when you’re together? Does making plans with this friend make your heart sing? When something wonderful happens in your life, is this person at the top of your list to call and share the news?
If you can’t answer “yes” to all three of those questions, this person may not be a real friend. Take a break. Take a long break. No calls, no texts, no DMs – nothing.
Does it feel good to be free for a while? Then don’t go back. Moving on from relationships that no longer serve you is a wonderful form of self-care.
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Pop quiz… what are your feelings right this very moment? Contented? Irritated? Worried? Optimistic? Happy?
Seriously…examine how you feel, without creating any judgement around it. Notice your feelings, and then think about how often you might feel that same way. Does it feel normal to feel worried or irritated or optimistic or however you’re feeling? Do you like the feeling or would you rather feel better?
Brain imaging has shown us that you can change the way your brain is working for the better simply by choosing to feel better. Choosing to feel better can be tricky, though, because you have to be aware of how you feel in order to feel better.
Here’s the great news, though – you just now showed yourself how to tune into your feelings.
Can you do that several times a day until it becomes a habit? When you can tune into your feelings you can create a better atmosphere inside your head, inside your body and inside your life.
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Are you hard on yourself?
Do you sometimes – or maybe often – compare yourself to others and feel inferior?
Are you near a window?
Look out the window and find two pieces of nature that are similar – two bushes, two trees, two birds – whatever you can see. As you look at the two things, are you comparing them and condemning one of them? Probably not – you’re probably noticing differences between them and not making judgements about what you see.
We value diversity in people, in thoughts, heck, even in snowflakes! We’re taught from youngest childhood that it’s a miracle that they’re all complete individuals.
Please stop comparing yourself to others. You are you and not one other person on the planet can say that. Go be the best you you can possibly be, because you are a unique and fabulous individual!
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No matter how hopeless things feel, it can help to remember that people have felt helpless before you and people will feel hopeless after you and yet hope is always within your grasp. In 1921, the poet Edgar A. Guest published a poem called "Keep Going” that is as relevant today as it was a century ago.
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must—but don’t you quit.
Life is like the stock market – it’s full of highs and lows, and when you sell stock at a loss, you lock in the loss instead of holding on until the inevitable rebound occurs.
And there’s always a rebound. Always.
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Want a way to quickly kick up your self-confidence?
When something happens that used to make you angry or sad, notice it. Notice how you’re feeling about it now that you’ve grown wiser. Then laugh, forgive your past self for not knowing everything there is to know, and give yourself a mental hug for the growth you’ve achieved.
Need an example? Recently I was second in line at a red light. When the light turned green, the person didn’t go. And didn’t go. And didn’t go! My younger self would have been impatient, blowing the horn and blowing her top. That day, that didn’t happen. Instead, I wondered if they were lost in sad thoughts because of something happening in their life.
I felt compassion instead of consternation, and no matter what was causing that driver to be inattentive, I felt a lot better than when I used to get angry. And isn’t feeling better worth the mental gymnastics?
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How’s your self-esteem?
A quick way to self-assess is to pay attention to what your brain says when something happens. Let’s say your lover broke up with you – is your brain more likely to say, “we had a good time while it lasted” or “what’s wrong with me – I can’t manage to stay in a relationship?”
If it’s the former, yay, you! You’re maintaining a good sense of perspective, along with understanding that some things are not in your control.
If your brain beats up on you with that “what’s wrong with me” kind of thinking, you could use a little self-esteem tune-up. When your brain is telling you that it was your fault, it’s saying something to you that you would NEVER say to your best friend.
Don’t let your brain beat up on you – put up your mental stop sign and think about something else. Every time your brain tries to take you back to the breakup and how it was all your fault, think about something else. Do something that occupies your mind so it can’t beat you up. Sing a song.
Give yourself permission to talk back to the negative self-talk in your head. That’s how you boost your own self-esteem.
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I won an award recently. I’m not telling you this to brag.
It was a very big one, the most prestigious that the organization grants, and it was a surprise. As I listened to the presenter, it slowly dawned on me that he was talking about me – that I was the person winning the big award.
First came shock, then pleasure, then imposter syndrome reared its ugly head in that subtle way it has of bursting balloons. Thoughts of “but I didn’t do anything special” and “anyone in my position would have done the same thing” and “maybe no one else was nominated.”
Seriously? Yes, seriously – imposter syndrome can and does undermine some of the best moments of our lives if we let it.
In that moment, before I took the stage to accept the award, I reminded myself that others had been in my position and didn’t do what I did. That what I did was special. That, whether anyone else was nominated or not, the services I had provided to that organization warranted the recognition.
I want you to do the same thing for yourself when imposter syndrome sneaks up on you, too – remind yourself that you are talented, intelligent and amazing!
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Is there someone in your life that you’re trying to make happy? I don’t mean someone you do nice things for because it makes you feel good, I mean someone who is in some sort of relationship with you, doesn’t seem entirely satisfied with that relationship, and you find yourself making decisions based on how you think it will make them feel?
Take a moment and think about this – as powerful and as wonderful as you are, you do not have the power to make someone happy.
You can give them a raise if they’re your employee, you can change the way you wear your hair if they’re your life partner, you can make all the external changes they seem to want from you and guess what – they will only be happy when they choose to be happy.
What they’re choosing is to be unhappy and blame you for it.
That’s a losing situation for you – you can never win. It’s time to decide what would make you happy in that relationship and go do it. Life is far too short to be another person’s excuse for unhappiness.
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Look back on your life a few years ago. Did it feel more predictable than it feels now?
You know that saying, “hindsight is always 20/20?” There’s neuroscience behind that.
First, when you look back at events in your past you’re looking through the lens of what you learned from those events. Your brain is filling in the gaps you had at the time of the events, so of course it feels more comfortable now than it did then.
Second, because life is a journey and you haven’t taken the next step yet, the present and future feel unpredictable, while the past has happened so there’s no need to speculate.
Your life was never more predictable than it is right now, and was never more filled with potential, either. So enjoy those steps you’re taking now and the ones you’ll take tomorrow and the day after that.
Stop looking back…you’re not going that way.
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Strength – there are so many different forms of mental strength, and my guess is that you have a lot of them living inside you.
The strength to do one more thing when you’ve already put in a long day.
The strength to smile when you really would rather cry or scream.
The strength to share your hopes and dreams and fears.
The strength to talk about what’s bothering you instead of bottling it up inside.
All of those strengths are important, and being strong enough to share your pain and ask for help is important for your mental well-being. If that’s a strength you struggle with, practice it. Just like muscles, your mental strength gets stronger through exercise.
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Do you make excuses for your looks or your behavior or your attitude? Can I help you stop doing that?
Successful people don’t make excuses.
Strong people don’t make excuses.
Resilient people don’t make excuses.
Life throws a lot of stuff at us a lot of the time, and we roll with it. When someone questions your looks or your behavior or your attitude, you do NOT owe them an explanation. As a matter of fact, you don’t owe them anything. They haven’t lived your life, they don’t know your heart, and if their comments were rude, they’re not going to care about your excuse, it will just give them more ammunition to beat you up with.
You are you, fabulous you, warts and all. The life you’ve lived has shaped you and honed your intellect, your wit and your heart. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an excuse.
Ever.
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Want to know one of the most powerful skills you can learn? How to stay calm, no matter what’s going on around you.
When you’re calm, you can think clearly. When you’re calm, you can problem-solve. When you’re calm, you can help someone who’s hurting. When you’re calm, you can make great decisions.
The first step to remaining calm is to take a breath. Don’t react. Take a breath. Take another one if you need it. Give the frontal lobe of your brain the time to bring clear thinking and logic to whatever is happening around you.
When you master calm, you master a great leadership skill as well as a great life skill.
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It’s good to feel needed, right? It is good to feel needed – right up until it isn’t.
When someone in your life crosses the line between healthy and unhealthy neediness, it can be a bit disconcerting. Suddenly the things you did for them because it felt good to help them don’t feel so good anymore. It might feel a little like coercion or like they feel you owe them those things you use to feel good about doing. Whatever you do, don’t discount that little voice inside your head that tells you something is wrong – because something is wrong.
Keep people in your life that you love and want in your life because they help you feel good. Don’t keep people in your life who don't make you feel good, or from a feeling of obligation, or because they try to convince you that you should be with them.
When neediness tips over into coercion it’s time for a change of scenery. Value that little voice inside your head and trust it, and go where you’re valued, not where you’re chained.
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Are you having a tough day? Or maybe even a tough year?
Life is a leisurely stroll most of the time, a mad dash at others, and sometimes it feels like life is a hike straight up a rocky mountainside.
If your life is in the “rocky mountainside” phase at the moment, maybe try focusing on what’s positive about the steep hike. You’re developing more skills by handling new challenges. Perhaps there are people who are taking a different path, whether by choice or not, and that feels painful. Remind yourself that you are the only person who absolutely has to be with you for the rest of your life, and you’ve been through painful experiences before and can do it again.
And when you’re having a moment where it feels like you can’t climb even one more step up your rocky mountainside, think about what it will be like when you reach the top. Because you can and you will reach the top. Enjoy thinking about the view as you climb.
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Are you tethered by time?
Gravity ties us to the earth, and for many people, time tethers us to a schedule. And the way the brain works, once you’ve done the schedule long enough – for some people it’s two weeks, for others it could be up to 8 months – the brain latches onto that schedule like it’s a new religion. We call it “creating a new habit” and in the brain it’s really creating a new pattern to run.
Brains love patterns because it allows them to focus on other things while running the pattern. What that means is that, just by creating a pattern, your brain tethers you to the time the pattern uses up. That’s why some people don’t take vacation days – it breaks the pattern, and that’s hard. That’s why some people can’t be spontaneous about going out with friends – it breaks the pattern.
Take some time today to think about the patterns your brain runs and whether you’d really rather have some of that time back for other things. Get intentional about the time you spend running patterns.
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Do you often feel like you’re here in this world to make a difference? Like you have a mission to complete? And do you sometimes feel like you don’t know what your mission is, and that you’re not making a difference?
Think of one person who has made a positive difference in your life. For me, it was my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Sharrett. I don’t know how many hundreds or thousands of students she had during her career, and it doesn’t matter – she made me feel special.
How did she do that? She showed she cared. That’s it. She showed she cared.
She showed it to other kids in my class, too, and it somehow made her seem even more special and magical. When I look back, she was just going through her day, being herself.
I hope she knew how magical she was, and how much of a difference she made in a lot of little lives. And I hope, as you reflect on the person who made a positive difference in your life, you realize that not only was your special person magical, so are you. Just keep on showing people that you care.
That’s how you make a difference in this world.
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Who did you interact with yesterday?
Seriously – think for a moment about who you talked to, even if it seemed inconsequential and fleeting. Co-workers and family members, probably – who else? Someone at a drive-through? The person ringing up your groceries? Clients, customers and the letter carrier who dropped off the latest junk mail collection? That lady on the walking trail, lost in thought, who managed a smile when you said good morning?
Those interactions may feel routine and hardly worth noting, and yet the other people have a completely different experience. To them, you were caring. To them, you were a smile and greeting when they were feeling blue. To them, you were a kind word in someone else’s otherwise routine day.
You carry a sparkle with you wherever you go, and you can’t see the glitter you leave on other peoples’ lives. But you do.
Glitter on, you sparkly person, you!
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Mom taught me a lesson that has served me well throughout my life – words can never be taken back.
Never.
You can apologize and explain and cry and do whatever you can think of to make the other person feel better after you say something hurtful, and you can never undo how your words made them feel.
Some people are really good at weaponizing words – they get in those little digs meant to sound like jokes, or they just come right out and say words that should have remained inside their heads. Those people are such gifts in life – they show us exactly how they feel about us, so we can feel good about removing them from our lives.
Words can never be taken back – weigh yours well.
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Remember those yearbook messages from your friends – “don’t ever change” is a pretty common one, and illustrates the naivete of young adults.
Change is who I am. Change is who your high school best friend is. Change is who you are.
You were you as a two-year-old…you were a different version of you, but still you, as a 10-year-old. You were you when you graduated high school and you as you tackled your first “real” job and you’re you today. Not a single one of those versions of you is the same.
Sure, the same person, and yet not – because every day you live new experiences. Every day you meet new people. Every day you make new decisions about who you are, based on things that have just happened.
Embrace the change that is you – it’s where the magic happens!
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Are you dealing with BS at work? Yep, that sounds about right, because there’s always BS at work. Even in the workplaces with the best team dynamics, friction will occur. Great leaders understand the need to refocus the negative energy – great team members do, too.
If you’re in the middle of a bit of workplace drama, try to mentally step back from the details. Try to focus on the shared mission and the things you do like and admire about the other person or people involved. If you can’t do that, try to ignore the drama and keep your head down, focused on what you need to get done.
And if all you can do to make yourself feel better is sing the theme song from the musical Annie in your head, do it. Heck, make people laugh – sing it out loud! Tomorrow, tomorrow…!
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Do you work with someone who is easily offended? Maybe they’re constantly talking about someone who triggers them, and uses that as their reason for being offended or angry?
Does this person work for you or with you? Help them understand the difference between someone intentionally causing offence and this person feeling offended.
A fun way to do this is to mirror their behavior back to them when they “offend” you. Pick a word they use, make up a silly reason why you would be offended by it, and look for moments when it’s only the two of you to tell them how much they just offended you and that the word they used triggered you.
Then, follow up by gently comparing what you just did to them to what they often do to others, and remind them that just as they didn’t mean to offend you, their team members don’t mean to offend them.
When they can learn to not take everything personally, they’ll lead a happier, calmer life and will be a much better team member.
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What are you working for? What are you dreaming of? Are you working for a better tomorrow, and dreaming of someday?
That’s very human – as a matter of fact, brain imaging shows that inside most peoples’ heads, there’s a lot of activity when they’re thinking about their goals, hopes and dreams. The brain imaging doesn’t tell the whole story, though – chemically, when thinking of goals, hopes and dreams, many people are feeling stress, not happiness.
When researchers look at people who are focused on the people, animals, plants, and events around them, chemically many of them are in a state of satisfaction and happiness.
Sure, it’s great to have goals, hopes and dreams. It’s better to focus on the steps on the path to those goals – stay present and focused on right now and let your head and your heart guide you on a satisfying path to those goals, one step at a time.
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Did someone hurt you, disrespect you or otherwise do you wrong? That’s on them. Do you carry a grudge, tell the story of their bad behavior, or relive that story inside your head over and over?
That’s on you.
As long as you interact with other human beings, something is bound to bruise your feelings, make you mad or break your heart. Stuff happens. What you do with that stuff, and whether or not you choose to heal the hurt and move on, is completely up to you. Wallowing in the story, in the hurt and in the betrayal is pain you are choosing to inflict on yourself.
Make a choice that allows you to move on and heal.
When the story starts to play inside your head or come out of your mouth, remind yourself that you already felt that pain once – there’s literally no need for you to feel it again. Then square up your shoulders, put a smile on your face and move into a new, healthier chapter of your life.
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Do you feel like you’re drowning in your job? Overloaded with responsibilities and ridiculously high expectations?
I know someone who is amazing at what he does. He’s an amazing manager, an amazing client service person and an amazing juggler of the million responsibilities that come with his regional position. And he’s miserable, and is taking a salary and responsibility cut so he can have his life and sanity back.
That is strength that I admire. You, too?
Think about your current situation. Can you value yourself enough to honestly evaluate your day-to-day responsibilities, weighing the pieces of your job that bring you joy against the pieces that stress you out? Can you value yourself enough to delegate what you can, say “no” to what you can, and focus on the pieces of your position that you love, like the man I know is doing?
Do it – I double-dog-dare you to take control of your job so you can have your life and sanity back, too.
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Is your to-do list a mile long today? Are you having trouble figuring out what to tackle first? The inability to decide where to place your focus just compounds the problem.
Take a walk…seriously! Even if it’s just up and down a long hallway, the process of alternating arm swing and leg swing helps re-set your brain’s ability to process things easily.
When you’re stuck in that feeling of overwhelm, stop. Walk. And as you walk, remind yourself to focus only on what you can do something about. When you’re done walking, go back to your to-do list and cross off the things that aren’t in your control, or that require someone else to do something before you can do what you need to do.
Take your focus away from things you can’t do anything about right now – give your energy and focus to the things you can tackle right now. There…now go tackle your day!
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Human beings are our own worst enemies. Seriously!
Someone offers us an opportunity – we hear about a job we’d love to have – and we start second-guessing our qualifications, abilities and worthiness.
Today I watched a flock of crows working on a piece of bread, each trying to get a bite. Not one of those crows hung back, seemingly doubting itself. Each vied for position, hopped in when they could, and snagged a morsel or two. Somehow they all managed to get enough, and you can, too.
When opportunity knocks and that little voice inside your head starts in with the negativity, channel your inner crow – go for that piece of bread! It’s yours, you earned it and you deserve it!
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Have you heard the old saying, “Silence is golden?” There’s sooooo much truth to that.
When someone says something that makes you feel defensive, be silent.
When someone is rude to you, be silent.
When someone is argumentative, be silent.
If it’s tough not to open your mouth, think now of something you can say, over and over inside your head, to keep you from reacting. I like to remind myself “it’s about them, not about me.”
When someone makes me feel defensive, it’s about them, not about me.
When someone is rude, it’s about them, not about me.
When someone is argumentative, it’s about them, not about me.
That’s true in your life, too. It’s about them, not about you. You don’t have to respond when people are disrespectful to you or of you. It’s about them, not about you. There is so much power in that knowledge!
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At the beginning of each day, what are your priorities? Let’s say it’s a work day – do you run through your important to-do’s for the day as your day begins? What’s on your list?
Seriously – think about it right now – what’s on your typical daily priority list? Are you on that list? If so, yay! And if not, this Tiny Bite is for you.
The things you accomplish each day are the things you make a priority. You keep hearing that self-care is important and you probably mean to do something about figuring out what self-care looks like for you…one of these days.
Can you commit to making “one of these days” today?
Because until you make a plan for your own self-care, it won’t be a priority for you. And what’s not a priority doesn’t happen. Click the link below and listen to the free audio course for ideas on making yourself and your mental wellbeing a priority today and every day.
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Did you make a mistake yesterday? Welcome to the human race – we all do. Maybe yours was a bigger-than-average mistake – how did you feel? Did the voice inside your head chime in with their opinion?
And if you’re thinking, “I don’t have a voice inside my head,” that’s the voice inside your head saying that!
No one will talk to you as much in your life as that voice inside your head talks to you. Most of the time, we listen without questioning. I want you to question. When the voice inside your head says things to you that you would NEVER say to someone else, challenge that.
Why are you allowing the voice inside your head to be rude, mean or even nasty to you? When the voice inside your head starts that same old negativity, hold up your mental stop sign. Change the subject. Recite a poem. Sing a song.
Stop allowing the voice inside your head to talk to you in ways you would NEVER talk to another person. You deserve better.
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Prepare yourself – good things will happen to you today. Seriously – prepare yourself for the good things that will happen so you can enjoy them when they do.
I met a woman as I was walking my dogs and she was walking hers. One of her dogs looked familiar, and when she told me where she adopted him from I remembered – he was an owner turn-in that I evaluated and groomed for the county animal control so he would be more adoptable. To see the love on that woman’s face and how well-cared-for he was brought tears to my eyes. Heck, it just did again!
Wonderful things like that – thinks you could never expect or predict – happen to you, too. Prepare yourself to receive the sweet little moments today, and know that you earned them and you deserve them. Thank you for the things you do that become good things in other peoples’ day, too!
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Do you believe that everyone you meet can teach you something?
I love going through my day wondering who I’ll meet and what I’ll learn. Sure, it sounds nerdy and weird to some people – leaving myself open to learning from others means that I’m paying attention to the people around me.
I spent about an hour giving blood one day last week and the man who was vampiring my arm was so much fun to play with! He was retired Navy and the two of us ended up laughing so hard swapping stories that I thought we’d be thrown out.
When you pay attention to the people around you, sometimes it turns out great, and sometimes it reminds you how you don’t want to show up in the world. And when someone you care about exits your life, remind yourself that sometimes people show up in your life to help you learn how to let go.
Everyone you meet can teach you something.
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People who have spent their lives learning things sometimes forget how to continue learning. It’s easy to hold on to what you believe, even when there’s evidence to the contrary.
Neuroscience research illustrates how stubborn our grey matter can be at ignoring information that might disprove something you believe. A really good mental stance to take when you hear something that goes against what you think is true is, “I’m doubting this but I want to know.”
When you can acknowledge the receipt of contrary data and remain open to its possibilities, that’s when you know you’re in control of your brain, your thought process and your life. You may be doubting this, but don't you want to know?
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Do you feel like you’re not strong enough? Like everyone else sails through their day untouched and the stumbling blocks litter your path?
I remember feeling totally lost when I was downsized from a job. It was beyond sad – I felt like it was an indictment of my abilities, my talents and my very beingness. There were others downsized at the same time and it seemed to me that they were all handling it better than I was. A dear friend reminded me that when a storm blows through, there are lots of survivors. Sure, a few trees break – most stand, as so most of the bushes and the grass.
You’re a living being, one unlike any other living being on this planet. When a storm blows through your life, remind yourself to appreciate your unique version of “strong.” You have handled everything life has thrown at you so far, and you’ll continue to handle everything. And the storms give you confidence in your strength, if you let them.
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Do you lead a team? Are you confident in your ability to be a good leader?
Here’s a way to assess your leadership skills – how do things turn out that you delegate instead of doing yourself?
If you end up feeling like you should have just done it yourself so it would have turned out better, oops…your leadership skills could use a bit of polishing up. No worries – it takes time to grow into a great leader, and it’s a lot of skills that can be learned, and I work with people on that all the time.
Where delegation is concerned, only delegate a project to someone who already has the skills to do it well, or who is willing to learn and stretch to live up to your expectations. Teach first, then delegate – it’ll go so much better that way!
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A million years ago I broke up with a guy. He wasn’t right for me, and even in my teenagerness, somehow I knew I deserved better. It was hard – I tried to be kind and he wasn’t receptive, so when I had said all I could say and turned to leave, he kicked me in the butt.
Seriously!
At the time it felt like it was about me – I must be a really terrible person if I made someone want to kick me as I was leaving. I know now how ridiculous it was for me to feel responsible – maybe at some point in your life, someone has made you feel responsible for things that weren’t about you, too?
Walking away from what isn’t right for you can be hard, and it is absolutely the right thing for you to do. How others receive you is up to them, and how they react to you when you're taking care of yourself, will validate your decision to stand up for yourself. Focus on that, chin up and move on.
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Sometimes I think I’ve responded to an email or text, only to realize that I did it in my head and not in real life. Does that ever happen to you, too?
We spend a lot of time thinking about things – things we have to do, things we want to do, and things we shouldn’t do. We think about how to accomplish something, about things we’d like to accomplish, and things we dream of and can’t see how we could ever accomplish them.
Thinking is an important activity, and just like with those emails and texts we thought we’d replied to, nothing happens until we actually do something.
I’m going to go answer a couple of emails – what are you going to do today?
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Are you in a relationship with someone who is mean to you in some way? It doesn’t have to be physical – maybe they withhold praise when you want to hear it, or maybe they change up their expectations of you and tell you it’s all your fault that you didn’t please them.
Or maybe they even go so far as to tell you that you’re lucky to have them and you’ll never do better because you don’t deserve better.
Baby doll, hear me – the problem isn’t you, the problem is your partner. It could be a romantic partner, a work partner, whatever – time to sever that partnership and move on.
There is never a reason or excuse for someone to be mean to you. Never. Not ever. You deserve whatever you want from life and deserve to be treated with respect. If you don’t have that now, keep moving – there’s nothing for you with this relationship.
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How do you feel right this very minute? If you’re not sure, take a minute to find out. Be an investigator – sneak up on your feelings and see what they are and what they’re doing to your body, your attitude and your day.
Whatever you’re feeling right now equals how your life is feeling right now. Let me say that again because I really want you to grasp this – your life IS right now. It’s not ten years ago or ten years from now – your life is right now, this very minute, because it’s the only place you have to power to do anything.
Is your life good? Blah? Stressed? Are you feeling the way you want to be feeling? If so, yay you! If not, what can you do to feel better right now?
You are the architect of your life, and it’s something you create, precious moment by precious moment. When you pay attention to how you’re feeling, it makes it easier for you to create a fabulous life for yourself.
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Is there an -ism that makes you angry any time it shows itself in your life? Maybe it’s sexism or racism or whatever-ism – do you feel your blood starting to boil just thinking about it?
Stop. Seriously – stop thinking about it.
Yes, there are people in the world who hold ridiculously flawed thought patterns and sometimes act on them. Can you change them? Can you fix them? Hint – that answer is “no.”
You know what other -isms there are in the world? Acceptance-ism. Inclusion-ism. Love-ism.
Which of those -isms makes you feel better to focus on? If your goal is your own mental well-being, focus on things that make you feel good, not bad. Notice the gleeful child. Notice the driver who pauses and lets others in front of them. Notice the sales clerk who is smiling at you, and appreciate that person out loud, so they can feel as good as you.
Spread love-ism – that’s an -ism that makes the world a better place.
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You are a giving person. You help people when you can, you care about the world and try to do what you can to make it a better place. In your work life, you are supportive, caring and pulled in a bunch of different directions all day long. Yet still you give, and still you care.
It’s wonderful to be a caring, giving person. Right up until it isn’t.
Be there for those who need you, human, canine, feline, bovine – whoever and whatever needs you, be there for them when you can. Never forget, though, that you need you.
You need to be there for yourself, giving yourself a breather when you need one, reminding yourself how awesome you are, and caring for and giving to yourself as if you were someone you really care about.
You are the one person guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Love you. Support you. Give to you. When you do that, you will be even more powerful at loving and giving to others.
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Did someone look at you today in a way that made you feel less than – like they were looking down their nose at you?
I remember a time when I couldn’t afford much of a car – I had wheels that got me where I needed to go – most of the time, anyway! That car wasn’t much to look at but it was functional and mostly dependable, and there were people who judged me by the car I drove. It didn’t feel good and it made me question myself, my choices and my life.
It was a long time before I truly understood that what other people think of me is about them, not about me. And I hope you know that, too, because once you do, that feeling of “less than” goes away.
You are unique and valuable and the choices you make are yours and yours alone. What anyone thinks of me is none of my business, and what anyone things of you is none of your business either.
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Today someone hurt my feelings. They didn’t mean to – something came out of their mouth in a way that didn’t feel good to me.
In my younger years, before I knew better, the words would have made me question myself, second-guess myself and before you know it, I would have been feeling a bit worthless, at least about that topic.
When someone hurts your feelings, do you do that to yourself, too? That voice inside our head can be pretty vicious, reminding us of all the times that we’ve failed in the way that was just pointed out to us. Ouch!
Allowing someone else’s opinion to gut our feelings of self-worth is a sad way to go through life. Their opinion is just that – theirs. You know you do your best and you’re a good person - instead of letting their words hurt your opinion of yourself, just bless their heart and get on with your day.
And tell that negative voice inside your head to shut up!
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Are you feeling a little bit stuck in your life? Like you’re OK with where you are but you thought you’d be farther along by now? Where do you want to be? What do you want to have?
When we were in school, our paths were mapped out for us – progression through classes and grades to earn graduation, so we could progress through more classes and years to graduation again. After school years, it’s easy to forget to create our own framework so we can chart the course to our next “graduation” – whatever that may be, and it’s different for everyone.
Think about your next “graduation” – what will it look like? What will you have to learn and do in order to “graduate” this time? Now, take a few minutes today to lay out the curriculum for getting to graduation, and feel your life get immediately unstuck!
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Is there someone in your life that you make excuses for? My wasband, bless his heart, told me once that his friends were our friends and my friends were my friends. Consequently, when my friends would invite us to do things, he usually didn’t want to, and I usually made excuses for him.
What the h-e-double-toothpicks was I thinking? I’ll tell you what – I wanted others to think well of him, so I didn’t share the truth – he was person who didn’t care to branch out where friendships were concerned.
If there’s someone you’re making excuses for, examine why you’re covering for them, and stop doing it if you can. You’re putting yourself in a very awkward and unkind position!
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How much money is enough? How much love is enough? How much freedom is enough? And how do you decide?
Chances are, if you’re like me, the answers to each of these questions varies by your mood, your current situation and how your life is going. If your beloved is leaving you because they don’t love you anymore, do you want just a little bit of their love or do you want your next beloved to love you more than this one did?
Both of those responses are normal, human feelings – one is healthier than the other. If you would be in the “a little bit of your love is better than none” camp, examine where that feeling of wanting to hold on at all costs is coming from. Usually, it’s a feeling of lack – lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of worthiness.
You are worth more than that – you deserve to be cherished.
“How much” – whether you’re talking about money, love or freedom, is a choice you make, largely based on how you feel about yourself and your life in the moment. When you’re tempted to settle for less, push yourself to hold out for what you’re really worth.
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Is your workplace full of spats, pettiness or outright warfare at times? If you’re the manager, or even just in a senior role, do you often have to break things up and sort things out?
Stop. Listen up.
When spats, pettiness or worse keeps cropping up in your workplace, you don’t have a lack of discipline – you have a lack of respect. When co-workers continually bicker with each other and tattle on each other, they’re demonstrating a lack of respect for each other. What you need is to help the bickering team members grow up a bit, because they’re behaving like children.
Personal development is one of the best ways to fix conflict and turnover in the workplace, so look into providing some development opportunities for your team. And if I can help, reach out – personal development on teams is a big part of what we do here at the Center for Workplace Happiness.
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Is there someone who pushes your buttons? Or maybe you have a chain that they yank? You might be one of those delightfully old-school people who has a goat that people get?
Whether it’s your buttons that get pushed, your chain that gets yanked or people get your goat, there is one common denominator – you. Yep, it’s you that owns whatever people keep pushing, yanking or getting.
Your buttons. Your chains. Your goats.
Why do you leave them exposed for others to mess with? It’s not the world’s responsibility to treat you exactly as you want to be treated, moment by moment. It is your responsibility to know how certain things usually make you feel and try to catch those feelings before they wreck your day.
Your button. Your chain. Your goat. Your move.
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Did you ever do this, too? Did you ever try to get someone to like you, either as a friend or romantically, and it just never worked?
Dad was career military, which meant our family moved every year or two while my brothers and I were growing up. Sometimes we’d land in a place filled with what felt like instant friends – sometimes, not so much. I remember trying to get one of my classmates to be my friend when I was in 4th It was like I didn’t exist to her. I’d bring an extra cookie to offer her at lunch. I’d invite her over after school. I’d ask her if she wanted to go on a bike ride on Saturday morning. Nope. Nothing. Nada.
Mom saw my efforts at friendship and reminded me that in the same way that I didn’t want to be best friends with every single person, others were allowed to not want to be my best friend, too.
So the next time you find yourself trying to get someone to understand you or like you or even love you, remember Mom’s wisdom – people are allowed to have their own feelings, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Move along…nothing to see here…
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Is there someone in your life who seems depressed? Maybe they’re quieter than usual, more withdrawn than usual, or even seem really sad?
Whether you like them, love them or could do without them, when you notice a personality down-shift, it’s a cry for help. Care about them enough to try to help. Ask them how they’re feeling. Ask them if something is wrong because you’ve noticed they seem sad. Ask them to lunch or coffee and invite them to share.
And if they say “everything’s OK” and you still feel like there’s something wrong, trust your feelings. Ask them if they have someone in their life they can open up to. Tell them they can call you or text you or email you if they change their mind and need to talk.
People are very good at playing off depression – don’t be fooled. Be caring. You might just save a life.
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Have you ever felt completely and totally misunderstood? Isn’t that the worst feeling? And it doesn’t matter how much you try to explain yourself, the other person is adamant that their interpretation of you and your motives is right and that you’re not a very nice person.
Ouch!
Please listen to this…think about this…analyze this…and then internalize this: what other people think of you is none of your business. When they draw an incorrect conclusion about you, nothing you can say will sway them because they’re hearing your words through the same distortions that created their bad impression of you in the first place.
How they feel about you is NOT your responsibility. They’ll either see the truth as they continue to interface with you and re-evaluate their knee-jerk response, or they’ll continue to be clueless about the wonderful person you are.
You just go on being that wonderful person. It’s not your job to fix anyone, or fix their opinion of you.
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Let’s talk about ugly cries. The kind of crying where you feel like you are destined to cry until your entire body dries up from lack of moisture. The kind of crying where you use up every tissue in the house and move on to paper towels and they don’t even hurt. The kind of crying where it feels like the tears are flowing right out of your heart and it’s clenching up so tightly that it may never love again.
These intensely emotional tears are actually doing something good for your body – they’re releasing proteins and hormones in order to help balance the stress levels in your body, easing you back into a more balanced state.
So if you’ve gotta cry, then cry. Cry it out, and then get on with life. You’re far too attractive to stay stuck in an ugly cry.
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Five-hundred-year-old seeds stored in London’s Museum of Natural History accidentally got wet and sprouted. Thousand-year-old lotus seeds were discovered, revived and are now flourishing plants producing new flowers and seeds. And seeds from a date palm that died 2000 years ago have produced trees of an extinct species.
If you think of your dreams as seeds, which ones of yours have you put into storage and maybe forgotten about?
When I was a child I wanted to live where there was sun, salt water, sand and stars. That wasn’t a dream my wasband shared, so I put that dream away for 30 years. Taking it back out and imaging the possibilities is like catching up with a long-lost friend.
Your dreams matter – what you want in life matters. Make time to visit your dreams – you might be surprised at how much closer to sprouting they are, while they waited for you to be ready.
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Have you ever trusted someone and they betrayed you? Oh, that’s a horrible feeling – first, the feeling of betrayal, and then the sense of disappointment and mistrust you might feel about yourself for trusting them in the first place!
They betrayed you – nothing you can do about that. It was a choice they made, it was out of your control, and now the very best thing you can do is move on.
Move on, because what they did to you was about them, not about you.
Move on, because continuing to talk about it and brood about it and be angry about it keeps you stuck in bad feelings of your own creation.
Move on, because the world needs your whole self and you need to live your life. And move on loving yourself for trusting, knowing that you can and will trust again because being a trusting person is part of who you are.
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I have a chant for you…what do you want? Success! How do you get it? Focus!
Whaaaaa? Yep, the key to success is how and where you focus.
Focus on your dreams and the day-to-day steps needed to get you there and you’re on the way. Focus on what’s wrong and the daily grind and you’ll never get there.
Yes, live in the now as much as you can. While you’re living in the now, focus on what’s going right in the world around you, focus on what your team members are doing right, what your family members re doing right, and of course what you’re doing right.
As you focus on things that make you feel good because they are good, daydream about where your life is headed. Enjoy the daydream, especially since you know that, with your great focus, you’re well on the way!
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Do you often feel disrespected? Forgotten about? Less than? If you feel like the people in your life treat you this way, you’re probably not feeling very good about yourself.
Let’s change all that – go with me here. The way people treat you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. People learn how to treat you by hearing how you talk about yourself and by what behavior you are willing to accept from them. If you don’t stand up for yourself in a conversation, then people learn that you’re not worth defending. If you let people speak to you rudely without saying anything to them about it, then they will continue to be rude to you.
The best way to create better relationships with others is to create a better relationship with yourself. And the best way to do that is through coaching or counseling. Please believe me when I tell you – YOU are worth getting to know better because you are kind of amazing.
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Ah, perfectionism – the bane of many of us, at least at certain points in our lives.
Do you hold yourself to a very high standard? Do you hold others to a high standard, too? Are you often disappointed in yourself or in others? Then I bet you’re also pretty exhausted!
When you’re tempted to beat yourself up because you didn’t do something perfectly, remind yourself that you’re human. You’ve learned an amazing amount of things in your life and you continue to learn and grow. Be patient with your imperfections – after all, you’re human!
When you can learn to accept the humanity and imperfections of yourself and others, you open yourself up to seeing what’s good in yourself and others. It’s that focus thing again – remember you’re human and embrace yourself, flaws and all!
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The other day I was driving on the interstate. OK, I was speeding. A motorcyclist went by, going about 90 miles an hour. About 10 minutes later, the motorcyclist was in the lane in front of me, stuck in stand-still traffic.
It was a hot, sunny, steamy southern day, the motorcyclist was in full leather gear and sitting on a hot engine, going nowhere and without the air conditioning the rest of us were enjoying. As we rolled forward about 5 feet at a time, suddenly this person started waving their arms, flipping me off and yelling.
My guess is that they thought I was too close but what I know for sure is that their behavior was about them, not about be. Hot and frustrated at not being able to fly down the road, it was easy to take their frustration out on me. I gave an exaggerated shrug, hoping to signal that I didn’t mean to do whatever they thought I did but it didn’t stop the bad behavior. Taking a video of them behaving like a fool did.
Hey, whatever it takes – just don’t take it personally if someone goes off on you. Remember, it’s about them, not about you.
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Are you at a place in your life where you feel like a major decision needs to be made now and you’re not sure which direction to go? The bigger the decision feels, the worse the indecision feels.
Try to step back from the details of the decision and daydream about the possibilities. Paint a movie in your head about how your life will look and feel if you decide one way. Then paint another movie in your head of life if you decide a different way.
Now think about other possibilities – there are rarely only two choices. Life hands you endless choices – paint movies in your head about as many as you can dream of and see how each of them feels to you.
If one movie gave you goosebumps or butterflies in your tummy or a warm feeling around your heart, that’s your answer. Trust it and run with it, and send me a postcard from your fabulous future life, would you?
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I have a confession to make – I’m a collector of stuff. Each time I get into purging mode and get rid of things, it feels so good. And then the next thing you know, I’ve found something new to bring home and love.
Does this sound like you, too, even just a little bit? Maybe the rule I’ve made for me will be useful to you, too – at the beginning of each month I open up a closet or a cabinet and I go through it. I take out everything that hasn’t been used in a long time and stick it in the garage on a table. It’s not allowed back in the house – it’s either given away or sold. That way I’m letting new people love things I’m through loving, and making way for new stuff to love.
And now, before making a purchase, I think about how I could use the money on an experience instead of a thing. Life is finite – experiences are priceless and they don’t take up room on our shelves or in our closets, just in our memories and in our hearts.
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Brene Brown said, “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, not what should or could be.”
People are always doing the best they can do in that moment. Sometimes their best isn’t very good, and when you stop judging them for their bad behavior and remembering that, in that particular moment, they’re doing the best they can do, suddenly your life becomes much simpler.
Assuming bad or devious motives means you’re fleshing out a movie where they’re the villain and you’re the victim. Ugh…who wants to star in a movie like that?
Assume they’re doing the best they can do, given whatever is going on in their life – and you have no way to know what’s truly going on in their life – frees you from the dumb stories your brain wants to tell you and lets you get on with your fabulous life.
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This Tiny Bite is for leaders. This Tiny Bite is for parents. This Tiny Bite is for anyone who wants to help another being – human or otherwise – reach their full potential.
This is highly technical information you’re about to receive, so listen carefully. This information, like everything we do at the Center for Workplace Happiness, is based on neuroscience, positive psychology and neuroplasticity theories and research. Are you ready?
Ok – here you go – if you want someone to reach their full potential, treat them as if they’ve already achieved it. Seriously – listen to their words. Appreciate what they share with you. Give them opportunities to show you what they can do.
When you treat someone like a novice who needs to smarten up, they rarely flourish because they spend their time second-guessing themselves. When you treat someone like a star, they become a star.
Be a star-maker.
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You have been through tough times. You have had to overcome obstacles. You have felt held back and held down and locked out.
How do I know these things? Because I have, too, and so has everyone else on this planet.
We have so much more in common than most people realize, and feeling stuck or obstructed or misunderstood to the point of mistreated is part of the normal human condition. How is it that some people seem to said through troubles unscathed while others stay stuck in the unfairness and despair? Get set to roll your eyes – brain imaging and longitudinal research studies show conclusively that your mindset controls your outcome.
When you can look at problems as puzzles to be worked instead of pain that’s been inflicted on you from some outside source, you’ve unlocked the pathway to a happier, more successful life. Go, you!
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Where does wisdom come from? Life experience, including making mistakes you learned from, is a great way to gain wisdom.
Some people in your life are like gardeners in your soul, seeding wisdom in you gently, patiently and with the knowledge that the seed they planted in you can enrich you for the rest of your life. My mom was wonderful at seeding wisdom – so wonderful, in fact, that my first book was all about that. (that link takes you to Amazon, where The Original MBA is available in paperback, ebook and audio book)
And you plant wisdom, too, though maybe you don’t know it. Those things that come easily to you – so easily that you take them for granted – other people see you do and are in awe of your ability. When they learn from you, you’ve seeded wisdom. When you share an easier way to do something, you’ve seeded wisdom. By your good example you seed wisdom in even the smallest things you do.
Every now and then, stop and marvel at how improved the world is, just because you are here.
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It’s not your job to make something go away in reality…it is your job to turn your focus to something you’d rather focus on.
Wait…what?
You heard right…there are very few things in life you’re actually in control of, so chances are, if you’re upset about something going on out in the world, you have minimal to no control over it. What you can control is your focus. If it’s something that’s very upsetting to you it can be tough to shift your focus, and yet, that’s the easiest way for you to create mental well-being.
Let’s say something is happening in the world that feels very very very wrong to you. You can continue to focus on it, read all the news stories about it, post on social media about it and read everyone else’s social media posts, you can argue with the ones you don’t agree with…whew!
How does that make you feel?
Or you could realize that it has happened, you did what you could do to make it not happen and it happened anyway, and it will all be taken care of and work out in the long run. And then you can choose to focus on something else.
When the anger starts to well up inside you, sing a song, either inside your head or right out of your mouth – you can’t be angry and singing at the same time. Here's a song suggestion – Let it go, let it gooooooo… Want more? Click here for a free audio course, "Happiness is an Inside Job"
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Maybe you’ve heard the saying “time heals all wounds.” Maybe you’ve even had the experience of feeling better about something not-optimal after a certain amount of time has passed. And maybe you know someone who seems to never heal from their not-optimal experience.
Or maybe you are that person on a topic or two.
When Mom died, it took a very long time for me to remember the good times, not her end-times. That means it took a very long time for me to let those wounds heal. It was like I was mentally picking at a scab – I wouldn’t let the healing happen because I wanted my mommy.
I had to learn to forgive death – literally! – in order to move on and hold on to the cherished memories instead of the pain of loss. Quit picking at scabs inside your brain. If something hurts, feel the hurt, love the hurt, forgive the hurt and move on.
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Pay attention to the words you say and the tone of voice you use when saying them. Who is coming out of your mouth?
A dear friend occasionally says something to me that feels very judgmental and sharp. For instance, I’m old enough to be growing a random hair on my neck now and then and apparently had one. My friend said, “what is that growing out of your throat” like it was an indictment of my soul.
Ouch.
Later, when my wounded feelings weren’t in charge, I asked her who used that tone of voice with her. Yep…her mother. It was an eye-opening experience for her and a learning experience for me. Now, when her mother’s words and tone accidentally slip out and are pointed at me, I understand that it’s not meant to hurt me. And because my friend is aware of it, her mother’s words and tone are slipping out of her lips less and less these days.
So, who’s words and tone come out of your mouth without you being aware of it? Once you recognize that it’s not yours, it becomes easier to let you and your caring heart come out instead.
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Control of others isn’t possible. They may make you think you control them for a while, but you don’t. You don’t control their thoughts and you don’t control their feelings.
Just as you can’t make someone love you if they don’t love you, you can’t make someone admire you if they don’t admire you. You might be able to boss them around, and that will cause them to feel resentment, not positive feelings towards you.
Maybe your parents were heavy-handed in trying to control you – remember how that made you feel? Please don’t make others feel that way about you, too.
When you’re leading a staff, lead with your heart. Help them be their own best selves, not reflections of who you want them to be. They’ll love you for it.
Hey, maybe you CAN control others.
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Playing small – trying to be whatever the people around you want you to be in that moment, instead of being what you want to be – guts your feeling of self-worth, your feeling of confidence and your mental well-being.
When you try to be what others want you to be, you’re constantly at the mercy of their whims, their moods and their needs. What about your whims, your moods, and your needs?
You have this one life that you’re walking through – do what you need you to do.
Do what makes you happy. Follow your own intuition and stop relying on others to tell you what they need you to do. Your mental wellbeing depends on it!
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High achievers often struggle with overwhelm and imposter syndrome.
Let me say that again and say it better this time – high achievers like you often struggle with overwhelm and imposter syndrome. You’ve been driving yourself since you were a child – to get high grades, to take tough classes, to push through until you achieved your goal and then to feel like that goal wasn’t good enough, so you set an even tougher one.
Sound familiar? It does to me, too – that’s how I was and still work to not be.
Finding balance in life isn’t only about a work-life balance, it’s about a more balanced view of who you are and what you need. You need to rest. You need to take time off. You need to do what feeds your soul. You need to remember that your needs are your first priority. When you do that, you’re less likely to be sick, to be burned out, or to go down dark mental pathways.
Take your foot off the gas – give yourself 15 minutes a day that’s just for you and your physical, mental and spiritual self. For a great way to start the process of taking care of you, click here for The Mind, Body, Spirit Sessions podcast.
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As we go through life, we collect painful experiences. Everyone does, and everyone processes the pain differently.
Some people just stash it in the back of their brain and forget it, until something happens that triggers the painful memory.
Some people examine the experience and find a satisfying way to fit it into the big picture of their lives.
And some people continue to feel the pain of those painful experiences every day.
Which category do you fall into? If you feel the pain of past experiences often, here’s something you can do that might help: Whenever the bad memories and the bad feelings that go with the experience pop into your head, start playing the part of the director of a Hollywood movie. Every time you remember the experience, pretend it was a movie you saw instead of something you experienced. Smell popcorn – hear the dramatic music – maybe even add comical elements to help lighten up your feelings about what happened.
When you can do this every time that bad thing pops into your head, you can shift the power it has over you. How do I know? This is exactly what I’ve done to ease the pain of my own past experiences. Neuroplasticity is a marvelous thing – reshape a memory to remove its power over your life.
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Does your brain keep chewing on something that’s outside of your ability to change? I
remember when Dad was in the final stages of Alzheimer’s and my brothers and I made the difficult decision to take away his car keys. I bought his car, and though he was OK with it at first, he came to believe that I stole his car. He began to look at me with hatred in his eyes and the last time I saw him he was yelling at me to get out of his hospice room.
Did it sting? Yes. Did I internalize his anger at me? No, because his brain was broken.
He wasn’t able to process things clearly, and I was. I could have let his anger chew on me and upset me. Instead, even though it hurt when he glared accusingly, I reminded myself that it wasn’t his rational brain in charge, it was his broken one, and it made the only connection it could. I didn’t let my brain keep chewing on the unfairness of his disease and the pain it was causing me.
I couldn’t change it, so I loved him and loved myself enough to let the rest go. Who do you need to love like that today? What do you need to remind your brain to let go of?
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When it feels an injustice has been done to you, how does it make you feel? Whether it’s a small injustice like someone taking a parking space you were headed for or a large injustice like feeling judged over something outside of your control, that feeling of injustice is you, taking the behavior of others personally.
That idea might make you angry at me, and I promise not to take that personally.
Much of the time what feels like injustice to us is really just the other person going about their life. They probably didn’t see you waiting for the parking space, and even if they did, so what? You could get all cave-man territorial over it, and what will that get you except anger? Make yourself feel better – let it go.
When someone judges you over something you have no responsibility for or control over, you could defend yourself or post on social media about the injustice done to you, and what will that get you except anger? Their ignorant behavior (and it is IGNORANT behavior) is about them, not about you…unless you make it about you. When you do that, you’re doing an injustice to yourself. Let it go.
If you let every perceived injustice get under your skin you’re going to have a pretty miserable life. Make yourself feel better – let it go.
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The first place where your dream can become a reality is in your imagination.
What do you want? I want to live near the beach, and if we’re Facebook friends you see all the posts about the beach that I share. That’s me, imagining my dream and sharing the pictures. When will it become a reality? When it fits easily and seamlessly into my life.
What do you want, and can you enjoy your dream until it fits easily and seamlessly into your life, too? Because the sure-fire way to keep your dream from becoming a reality is to doubt it and refuse to imagine it because you don’t want to be disappointed.
When you play with your dream in your imagination, you’ll have the feeling of living your dream each time you do it. So go head…let your imagination loose to play with your dreams, and watch them become reality in the most delightful ways!
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Have you ever worked with someone who pushes your buttons?
Whether purposefully or not, when someone sets you off, it’s at least as much your issue as it is theirs. First, the buttons are yours – why are you leaving them lying around for other people to push? Second, a wonderful way to remain calm in the presence of someone who pushes your buttons is to mentally create a beautifully painted wall between you.
When you’re not around that person, imagine a beautiful wall. Make it a beautifully painted wall, decorated with all of your favorite colors and images. Make that wall high and wide and wonderful and imagine it in great detail. If there are bricks, see the mortar between them and the small imperfections that make each brick unique. Revel in the beauty of the wall and spend time there often.
Then, when you have to be around the button-pusher, remember the wall. Think about it before you meet with the person, putting it firmly in place so you can examine the details instead of reacting to whatever they may say to you.
When you can teach yourself not to react, the button pusher will have no power over you and will eventually stop reaching for your buttons.
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Do you know someone who is very judgmental? Maybe they voice unflattering opinions about women who carry expensive handbags or people who drive a large vehicle or the neighbors who have a car that doesn’t move very often? They have an opinion about everyone and it’s most often not a very nice one?
When someone behaves like that, it’s about them, not about the person they’re judging. It gives you a glimpse into their early life and what they were taught, either intentionally or unintentionally. It’s likely they don’t even know they’re making snap judgments about people – it’s become their default behavior.
If it’s someone you deal with on a daily basis, like a team member or family member, you can help them see themselves as others do, and help them make a change for the better. When they say something like, “Her purse probably cost as much as my house payment…she thinks she’s so special!” you can chime in and say, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to easily buy a purse like that?” or “Maybe she just likes it.” or “Wow, you got all that anger just from her purse?” Keep your tone light and fun and do it every time you hear something judgmental coming out of their mouth.
They’ll either make a healthy change in the way they look at things or they’ll be quiet around you. Either way, you don’t have to deal with all the negativity.
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Is there someone in your life who goes off unpredictably, sometimes spewing anger and resentment at you? Yeah, that happens to us all at some point in our lives. Sometimes it’s a person you can avoid being around, and sometimes it’s a co-worker or family member.
Yikes…what then?
That’s when I want you to don your placid cow persona. There’s someone I have to be around fairly often who is very insecure, and that insecurity manifests as aggressive defensiveness. No amount of soothing will derail this person when that behavior starts – those of us in the vicinity just have to wait it out and hope the verbal barrage isn’t pointed at us.
When something like this happens to you, maybe what I do can help you, too. Make it a game – imagine that you’re a beautiful cow, standing in a lush green pasture, chewing your cud under a sunny, cloudless sky. Your mouth is closed, your eyes are soft and you are 100% focused on your little piece of paradise.
When you don your placid cow persona, you’re not reacting to the person’s craziness. You’re not participating with them, which will almost always make them stop acting out. Practice your placid cow persona whenever something irritating is happening, and when you’re faced with that especially difficult person it’ll be easier to go to your happier place…placid cow…placid cow…placid cow…
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Practicing an old belief keeps you in a box. People believe that their beliefs are true, when in fact, a belief is just a thought you keep thinking. That’s the way your brain works – once you’ve thought the same thought a lot, it becomes a hard-wired thought in your brain. You don’t analyze it, and often it feels like the thought could actually be thinking itself without your help. It has become a belief and you behave accordingly.
What if that belief limits who you are and how you live your life? Practicing an old belief keeps you in a box that you’ll stay in for the rest of your life unless you examine it and decide whether to continue to believe it.
Once in a while, examine what you believe. If it feels like a belief that limits you in ways you don’t want to be limited, reject it and replace it with a better belief. How? There are lots of ways – click the link below for a free course that includes step-by-step instructions.
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When you’re alone, how do you feel? Anxious? Edgy? Contented?
Many people find being alone to be stressful. Others get stressed when they spend too much time surrounded by others.
People who are on the introverted end of the introversion/extroversion scale find that being alone allows them to recharge and feel refreshed. People who are on the extroverted end of the scale need to be around people in order to recharge and feel refreshed.
There’s no right or wrong way to feel about being alone – it’s good to understand whether people feed your energy or sap your strength so you can choose what you need when you need it.
Make space in your life to recharge, whether that’s alone time or people time. Honor what you need so you can feel better and function better whether you’re alone or in a crowd.
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Albert Einstein didn’t say “Don’t wait for miracles – your whole life is a miracle.” His name is taken in vain on thousands of memes all over the internet.
No matter who created that beautiful little sentence, it’s true. Your whole life IS a miracle.
You started off as a tiny dot in a warm, dark place and have turned into the accomplished, talented, beautiful human being you are.
You wake up every day and have the opportunity to choose how you’ll feel about what you do.
You have an arsenal of things at your disposal to use to mold the events of your day.
Your body works to the limits of its abilities, which are different from the abilities of others and that’s OK and exactly as it should be.
You are unique. No one else is the combination of experiences, thoughts, feelings, and DNA that you are. Your whole life is a miracle because you are a miracle. Own your miraculousness and go have an Albert Einstein kind of day! (Maybe with better hair!)
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You may have heard part of what Albert Camus said in his insightful musings about life – the part most often quoted is, “In the midst of winter I found within me an invincible summer.”
I want you to take in the entire quote because there is such power in it’s clear-eyed optimism:
“My dear, In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that…In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
Sometimes I forget that – you, too? Save this Tiny Bite for future reference, to remind you of the awesome power inside you.
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You are the author of your life.
Every time you get out of bed, you begin creating that day of your life. Every decision you make through that day informs the direction your day and your life will flow. When you allow things from the past to crowd your mind, you don’t allow your creative brain to explore the possibilities of the present.
Think about a book – can you ever make it to the end of the book if you keep re-reading the same page? If you’re not already, it’s time to get intentional about not re-living the same day of your life.
You are the author of your life. This could sound daunting and frightening, or powerful and exciting. Can you find the powerful, exciting feeling of it? Can you find the powerful, exciting feeling of you? It’s in there – you in your power – you are in there.
You are the author of your life and now you hold the pen. What will you write today?
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You’re having a stressful day. You’ve been goinggoinggoing since you walked in the door. People have been grouchy or downright rude. Cases have been puzzling. You haven’t had a break and you feel like you’re about to break.
Here’s your science-based stress-busting solution. Go outside.
If it’s not pouring down rain, go outside. Even if it’s overcast and the skies look moody, go outside. Take a ten-minute break outside at least once each day. The fresh air and rays of the sun – even when you can’t see them – boost your dopamine levels and lower your stress levels.
Congratulate yourself before you go back in for using science to improve your day.
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Do you feel stuck on the path to wherever you were planning to go? Often, we choose goals for ourselves that make a lot of sense and once accomplished, the results don’t feel as fulfilling as we expect.
That’s common, and there are two possibilities – one, maybe you’re just in that space between goals. Explore the possibilities for where you can go now that you’ve achieved the last big goal.
The other possibility is that you pursued a goal that wasn’t really yours. Maybe you thought you had to achieve the goal because of your parents’ prodding or the expectations of others whose opinion you valued.
Value your own opinion – if the place you’re standing doesn’t feel right to you, it’s OK to move to a new place. Not only OK but mandatory for your mental well-being. Your life is for you, not for anyone else. Don’t stay in a stuck place that’s not yours – listen to your heart, follow that path, and find your true success.
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No one can see past their own expectations.
This is neuroscience in action – have you ever had this happen? You buy a new car and suddenly you see your car everywhere – maybe a different color, but it’s the same car you just chose. That’s your brain, reinforcing your decision to buy that car. There are far too many things around you that your brain notices for you to take them all in, so your brain concentrates on the ones it feels are most relevant to you.
So if you expect – even at a nearly unconscious level – that traffic will be bad, then you’ll notice the places where you have to slow down. If you expect – even at a nearly unconscious level – that the person at the counter will be grouchy, your brain will help you choose the grouchy person to deal with.
What you expect out of your day and your life, your brain will do its best to deliver to you. Expect the best – you deserve it, and your brain will help you get it.
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We’re told that nobody likes a quitter. We’re questioned sharply if we set a goal, achieve that goal and then decide it was the wrong goal to start with.
Often we’re blamed if a relationship goes south, being told that we didn’t do enough or work hard enough or give enough of ourselves. That’s what I was told when my 30-year marriage ended because the wasband decided he’d rather have a girlfriend than a wife. The people who condemned me for the end of the marriage didn’t know the ins and outs of my life, just like no one knows the ins and outs of your life.
If you feel like you need a career change, then do what you need to do. If you feel like you need a relationship change, then you do what you need to do. We have this one life, as far as we know, and living in a way that encourages and promotes mental well-being means to do what feels right to you, for you. And if that means quitting, quit.
What anyone else thinks is none of your business because they don’t know your life and your heart.
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Do you ever get that overwhelmed feeling? Where you have so many things that have to be done and it feels like you’ll never get any of it done right? And then you feel the stress building, and the iceberg in the pit of your stomach?
Stop.
That’s your brain on overload, completely forgetting in that moment how to cope with life. You can take over for your brain – remember, even when you have a lot to do, the only way to get any of it done is one thing at a time.
Focus on one thing, do it, then focus on the next. And if that feels impossible, take a few long, slow, deep breaths – then focus on one thing, do it, then focus on the next. Lose yourself in the accomplishment of one thing at a time and that overwhelmed feeling will be lost, too.
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It’s very human to believe that once something happens, then you can feel good about yourself. You hold the achievement of a goal out in front of yourself like a carrot, promising yourself that you’ll be happy once you’ve … fill in the blank. Gotten into the right school. Found the love of your life. Had a baby. Bought a house. Have a certain amount of money in the bank. It’s very human to promise yourself that those life events will be what creates the happiness and fabulous life you desire.
And I’m here to tell you that you’re lying to yourself.
Because when you get the … fill in the blank … you’re in a whole new place of uncertainty, growth opportunities and even some stress. Then, it’s very human to believe that once the next thing happens, then you can feel good about yourself. Please understand that when you keep lying to yourself you never create the real happiness you have access to right this very minute.
If you’re stuck in this loop, click the link in the show notes and get started on the Happiness is an Inside Job. It’s free, and it’s priceless.
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How do you define yourself? Have you ever thought of what you think of you?
Take an uninterrupted 15 minutes or so and write down words you hear your brain say about you. Then see if you can find a gentler, kinder, more loving way to say the same thing.
For example, I remember sitting at the back of the 4th grade classroom after moving from German to Georgia, the new kid in the class once again, feeling like all the kids were staring at me, judging me and not liking me. I decided I must not be good enough to be their friend. What if, instead of deciding I wasn’t good enough, I had been excited about meeting new friends and learning what we had in common? Can you feel how much kinder and more fun that would have been? Can you do that same exercise for yourself?
If your brain tells you things like “you’re not smart enough” talk back to it and say “I enjoy the process of learning new things.” Reframe the words you allow your brain to say to you and watch how much less stress you feel all day every day.
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Throughout life, well-meaning people warn us. They say we can’t, and we shouldn’t, and we’d best be careful. They tell us to beware and behave and be quiet. They tell us it’s never been done before and can’t be done now, and certainly not by you.
These people usually don’t mean to scare you, they’re trying to help you not make the same mistakes they made. They want you to be safe. They want you to be acceptable to society. They want you to be who they think you are.
They are not you, and they are not in control of your life unless you let them be. Smile sweetly at the people who warn you, and understand they want the best for you. Your best for you is way better than their best for you.
Go live your best life, not theirs.
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You are a person who likes to help others. You are a natural peace-maker. You are someone who tries hard to not have to say “no” to any request made of you.
Guess what – you are gutting your own mental wellbeing.
Making yourself uncomfortable so others can feel good isn’t good for you.
You are a person who likes to help others. Remember that you are also “others” and help yourself.
You are a natural peace-maker. Remember that your own peace is your priority. You’re someone who tries hard to not have to say “no” to any request made of you. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain yourself or make excuses – practice saying “no” and then clamping your lips shut. If you want to cushion the blow that “no” feels like to you, then add, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Don’t explain. Just learn to say “no” for your own mental health and well-being.
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Sometimes people try to control you by telling you to be less – less loud, less forceful, less boisterous. Less. Those people might be your family members, your spouse, your friends, your co-workers, or strangers in the next aisle at the grocery story. They probably mean well, and maybe they love you.
And you’re a caring person who often goes along to get along. You still don’t have to listen to them and change who you are to be more like who they think you should be in that moment.
Just because they can’t take all of you doesn’t mean you’re too much – you’re just right. Don’t contort yourself to try to fit in.
The world needs you – all of you, in your loud, forceful boisterousness. Be you – be the total you, even if it’s sometimes too much for some people.
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Do you ever have times when you feel like what you do doesn’t really matter? That’s not a good way to feel, and it’s the sort of thoughts that feed on themselves – when you’re feeling worthless, your brain will find more evidence of your worthlessness, and nobody needs to hear any of that.
First of all, it isn’t true. You make a difference every single day of your life, in ways you may never know.
Did you ever help a new mother lift her stroller up over a curb? She probably thinks of you now and then and is warmed by the memory of your kindness.
Did you ever hug someone who seemed like they were so stressed out they might burst into tears? Your caring nature might have pulled them back from the brink.
Were you ever kind to a person who, in that moment, was being anything but kind to you? You gave them an example of how they could behave, and you may have inspired them to do better next time.
Have you done those kinds of things countless times in your life? Of course you have, and you took your actions for granted. The other person didn’t. You touched their life in a positive way. You make a difference every day. A lot of them. Remember that the next time you’re tempted to wallow in a pool of unworthiness.
The world is literally better with you in it…thank you for all you do!
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Are you feeling fear? Doubt? Like maybe you’re not up to the challenge? Welcome to the club.
It’s normal to feel anxious about things now and then, especially when it’s something you don’t do all the time. Use a neuroplasticity tool to calm your fears and doubts and feelings of not-enoughness. When there’s something you’re facing that’s causing the anxiety, look for ways to boost your confidence about it.
Maybe you’ve done something similar in the past – if so, remind yourself that you succeeded, learned and grew from that accomplishment, just as you will from this one.
Maybe you’ve never done anything like it, and have always wanted to, but now that it’s about to be a reality for you, the doubts are creeping in. Remind yourself that it’s something you’ve wanted to do and you’ll have a great story to tell once you’ve done it.
Maybe it’s something you’ve never wanted to do and don’t want to do now. If possible, opt out. There is no shame in not doing something you don’t want to do. If it’s not for you, be honest and be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself bravely.
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No matter how many different ways you hear that forgiveness is good for you, you might still think that there are some people who don’t deserve your forgiveness.
The concept of good and evil is drilled into us in so many ways from before we take our first tottering steps. The adults around us model unforgiveness and holding grudges and use language that subtly – or sometimes not so subtly – lets us know that there are dire consequences for misbehaving. We see others not forgiving and talking about not forgiving and so we think it must be ok or good or even admirable to never forgive certain people for certain things.
A healthier way to look at so-called unforgivable behavior is this – when you forgive someone for something they did, you put them on notice that they’re not in charge of your emotions. They don’t control you because of what they did to you. You control you. You choose how you feel and what you focus on.
Forgiveness gives you the tools to walk away, because if you’re still angry and vengeful, then the person who did you wrong is still in control of you and your emotions. And you don’t want that, right?
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Remember the problems you had in high school, and how earth-shattering they felt? Looking back, they feel kind of trivial now, don’t they?
- The nightmares about forgetting your locker combination or how to get to homeroom.
- The drama of deciding on a center or side part in your hair.
- And heaven forbid that you show up in the wrong brand of sneakers or jeans!
At the time those problems felt so real, and now, looking back, you realize they were just stumbling blocks you gave yourself. Guess what? The problems of today are just like the rest of the problems in your life – they may feel huge and insurmountable right now, but once you’ve moved through them, learned and grown, you’ll one day look back and wonder why they felt so big.
Life is long…perspective is a gift…and you’re doing just fine.
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Do you see other people who seem happy and confident and think they’re so much luckier than you? You’re only seeing what they choose to show you. You don’t see their dark moments…you don’t feel their feelings of confusion, helplessness or despair.
The strongest people don’t show you those feelings, and yet they still have them. They’re not lucky or living under the right stars or any more blessed than you are. They’re strong. Quietly strong.
They have faith in their ability to weather their storms. They may have a friend or family member they can rely on to listen and care. Do you have faith in your ability to weather the storms in your life? Do you have one person you could say anything to and they would still love you?
Then you have everything you need, you lucky person, you!
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Don’t let your biases get in the way of your results.
The scientific method has been in use since the 1600’s and it works like this – make an observation, form a hypothesis, gather information, make a prediction, conduct experiments, then analyze the results as they pertain to the hypothesis. Adjust as necessary to come to an untainted conclusion about the topic.
When you go into a conversation with someone and you’re already upset with them, you’re a human being – you probably will let your biases get in the way of your results. If you want to gain understanding, consensus and maybe even behavior change, use the scientific method. Observe your feelings, hypothesize the outcome you desire from the upcoming conversation, gather information about the problem from as many sources as possible, including sources that might prove you wrong, decide in your head how the conversation should go and then go have it.
When you can get your biases out of the way, you’ll be amazed how much better difficult conversations will be!
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Actress Sandra Bullock said, “You have to dance a little bit in the morning before you leave the house because it changes the way you walk out in the world.”
Dancing lightens your mood, literally puts a skip in your step and floods your body with endorphins and dopamine. When those feel-good hormones are coursing through your veins, you’ll feel invincible as well as loving and happy.
So instead of making a mad dash to the car, dreading traffic and stressing about everything that has to get done today, dance a little bit.
Then go take on the day!
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At the end of the day today, look back at what you accomplished. Look at the things you finished, the things you set into motion, the feelings you soothed, the misunderstandings you straightened out…look at everything you took part in today.
One by one, think of what you had to know to get through each event, to finish each item, and to make plans for someday. Appreciate your talents, your tact, your skills and your caring heart. And for those things that didn’t feel like they went quite right, remind yourself that they’re exactly as they should be, no matter what the outcome was. Nearly everything is outside of your control, so remember not to beat yourself up over things you couldn’t change.
Celebrate your successes – even the little ones. And tomorrow, pay attention to the things you accomplish, set into motion, and the interpersonal issues you soothed and improved, and celebrate yourself in those moments.
That’s how you move from simply surviving into living and thriving.
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The brain learns in stories, and it learns so well in stories that before you’re 10 years old, your brain is creating it’s own stories in order to explain the world in a way that makes sense to you.
This is how those wild conspiracy theories come about…people look at the same information you have and come to a completely different conclusion. That makes brain sense because they’ve lived a completely different life than you have. They’ve been exposed to different opinions and biases, they’ve lived through different events, or through the same large world events from a different vantage point, and it only makes sense that they could come to a different conclusion.
Before you condemn someone or try to make them understand your point of view, remember – their brain learns in stories, just like yours does. And their brain creates stories that make sense to them, based on their life experiences, just like yours does. No matter how wild their conclusion may seem to you, remember that it feels right to them.
It’s this diversity of opinions that keeps life interesting, as long as you don’t use it as an opportunity to argue your own point of view all the time.
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Want to know the secret of helping your life get better and better? Let circumstances teach you.
Learn to control your words, actions, and feelings by observing how others respond to you in all your moods. Learn to let go of trying to control the uncontrollable by noticing the feeling of frustration and futility you get when you feel out of control. Learn to let things roll off your back by learning to make up the best possible scenario stories inside your head instead of the worst.
What does that mean? When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you automatically jump to the conclusion that they’re a jerk? What if, instead, you jumped to the conclusion that they didn’t see you and isn’t it great for both of you that you’re such a great driver.
See how much better that feels?
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Have you ever been having a bad day, and someone looked you in the eye and smiled at you? Maybe it was a stranger who saw you and connected with you in a positive way? Remember how that felt? Maybe you got a warm feeling in your solar plexus, or maybe you were surprised and a little giddy. Maybe you even got goosebumps, our body’s way of reminding us that we’re connected to each other in unseen ways.
When someone you love, or work with or maybe just walk past is looking glum, give them that same feeling that you had. See them…appreciate them…smile at them. Give them faith in humankind, one sweet soul at a time. And you know that feeling you felt? Warmth in your chest, or giddy or goose-bumpy?
You’ll give yourself that same feeling, too.
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When you look in the mirror, are you hard on yourself? Do you bemoan a few extra pounds or wrinkles or grey hairs? Do you feel “less than” when you contemplate how you show up in the world?
We’ve talked about the body’s second brain – that very smart part of us that lives in the intestinal tract and deals with our emotions as well as our food. It is postulated, though not conclusively proven yet, that the “gut reaction” we’re all familiar with is indeed a response of our second brain to what’s going on around us.
You know how you can feel that someone is sad or angry or happy, even when you can’t see it on their face? Others can feel you, too. If you’re down on yourself, others feel it and may use those feelings to form their opinion of you. On the other hand, if you’re flying high, confident and happy, others feel it and may use those feelings to form their opinion of you.
How do you want others to feel about you? Use their second brain to your advantage – practice feeling good about yourself and help others feel good about you, too.
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At the end of the day, do you often feel exhausted, mentally or physically? There’s an adage that says, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Let’s pretend you’re the cup – you pour yourself out for others all day, every day. You may take care of family members, your pets, your clients, your team members, your friends, your impressive to-do list…and who takes care of you? The reason you often feel exhausted is because you are. You’re doing so much for so many others that you have nothing left in your cup at the end of the day. You’ve poured yourself all out.
You must take care of yourself – that’s how your cup gets filled. If you don’t already have a mind/body/soul routine, it’s time for you to start one so your cup can feel as full at the end of the day as it does at the beginning. To jump-start yours, consider starting your day with the Mind, Body, Soul Sessions – 15 minutes to fill your cup for the day. Click here to learn more.
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Face it, we all have off days. Sometimes I can be walking my dogs in a beautiful park, hearing birds sing, feeling the breeze on my skin and enjoying the fragrance of blooming trees and still get crabby if one of the dogs pulls too hard.
Can you relate?
When you’re a bit on edge and maybe a bit snappy with others, it’s easy to beat yourself up over it. Resist that temptation. Be kind to yourself instead. Especially on days when it feels like nothing is going right, it’s important to stop, take a breath, and stop that negative self-talk inside your skull.
Be kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can. The best part about an off day is that it’s limited. There are only 24 hours and you’ll get to hit the reset button by sleeping between today and tomorrow. And tomorrow will be better.
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Are you a team leader and want to inspire your team? There are a lot of leadership coaches who’ll tell you to always present a strong, confident face to your team.
I disagree.
Let them see you struggle. Let them see you fail. Let them see you dust yourself off and try again. Let them see you being human, admitting your foibles, asking for help and triumphing.
When you think about it, doesn’t the hero of every great story have a mission, go through tough times, and yet we root for their success and cheer for them when things turn out right?
Be that boss. Be the one the team rallies around, roots for and will follow through the fire. Be that leader.
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Do you ever wish you were more…something? Better at tennis, like your friend Sally. Better at spays, like your classmate Emily. Better at public speaking, like your co-worker Evelyn? Taller? Slimmer? Different hair?
Stop!
Stop and imagine what a boring place this life would be if everyone was great at the same things, looked the same and there was literally no diversity? Where would new ideas come from? Where would new understanding come from? Where would personal, professional and global growth come from?
It’s in our differences that we inspire each other. Celebrate your excellent skills and don’t worry about things you can’t change about yourself. Discover your excellence – set your days up to enable you to use your excellence – and save time in your day to get better at something you’d like to achieve excellence in.
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Today I got mad at someone and then realized I needed to be mad at me. Someone expected me to drop everything and take care of their mess.
Why did I need to be mad at me?
Because up until today, I hadn’t given this person any boundaries. I like them, I like helping them and today there was one just request too many. Giving people we care about boundaries is hard – it doesn’t come naturally and it goes against our desire to build communities and be of service. And yet, boundaries are necessary because otherwise you’re disrespecting yourself, your time and your needs.
Think about someone in your life who might be taking things a step or two too far with you – is it time for you to set a boundary, too? When you do, it will either end your relationship with this person or improve it. If it ends, you’ll understand that they were just interested in what you could do for them.
My bet is that it will improve how the two of you communicate, because it’ll level your playing field.
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You can’t worry about someone and love them at the same time. Worry is focusing on the weakness you see in that person, and when you’re looking at their weaknesses – which we all have! – you’re not loving them.
To a lot of people, worry feels like love, but loving someone is choosing to focus on what’s right about them and what’s right in their life, not what’s wrong.
What you focus on is what you see – if you’re used to worrying about things and people, just for today try to catch yourself worrying and shift your focus. Focus on what’s good about them and their situation. Sometimes you have to be creative and intentional in order to see good in a less-than-optimal situation.
Use your powerful brain…shift your focus…and love that situation or person. Everyone involved will benefit from your more positive outlook, especially you.
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Let’s talk about control freaks and how to be the best kind of control freak.
Wait – what?
That’s right – I want you to be a control freak. We all flourish when we’re control freaks…the trick is to know what you are actually in control of and only try to control that.
You’re not in control of other people’s thoughts, feelings or behavior. Give that up.
You’re not in control of the weather, either, so quit railing against it and accept it as part of your day.
You’re not in control of traffic lights or other drivers – being angry at either of them is just you, choosing to whip yourself into an unnecessary frenzy. Give that up.
Control what you CAN control – how you act and react in your life. That’s the best kind of control freak, and those control freaks are some of the most successful people in the world. Let’s let one of them be you, ok?
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Think about the best boss you’ve ever worked for. What was it that made them great?
That answer is simple - great leaders lift up their people.
Poor leaders just boss their people around. Mediocre leaders carp about what hasn’t been done and participate in office politics. Great leaders educate and uplift their people.
Tell your team what you love about them, the job they do, and the way they work with the rest of the team. When you are in the habit of doing that, people will live up to your expectations of them and you’ll need to do far less correction.
Even better, you’ll have less turmoil and turnover, and doesn’t everyone want that?
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Do you have something negative happening in your life that seems to suck all the light and life out of you?
That’s an awful way to feel, and it’s also perfectly normal.
Life deals us challenges and losses and they can sometimes feel insurmountable. When that happens in your life, please remember that it’s temporary. No matter what is happening in your life right now, it’s temporary. It’s as temporary as a song on the radio – it will seem to dominate the airways for about 4 minutes and then it will be gone, giving way to the next song.
And there’s always another song, on the radio and in life.
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What is your current dream? Is it an extravagant vacation? A move to a new location? A major life change like marriage or a child?
The pathway from your dreams to your success is in front of you. Sometimes it can be tough to see, and you can trust that it’s there because it is. From childhood we are conditioned to toe the line someone else draws for us, and yet the best way to create the life you want is to toe your own line and walk your own path. Focus on your dream – how will you feel when you are living that dream?
Daydream about your dream as often as you can, because when you do that, you’re telling your brain that it’s important. Your brain, without you even knowing it, will shift its focus to what you’re focusing on, gathering clues to help you achieve your dream and lighting the path for you.
It’s neuroscience – trust it, use it and live your dream.
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One of my very favorite Facebook memes says “the difference between a flower and a weed is a judgement.” We value the rose and look down our noses at dandelions. Why?
The rose has thorns that hurt, draw blood and sometimes leave the tip of the thorn under our skin, a reminder of the pain the rose inflicted. The dandelion has no thorns and as it matures, turns into a delightful, delicate array of lighter-than-air seeds just waiting for us to make a wish on and gently blow out into the world to grant that wish.
Did you notice how I changed what is usually focused on? You can do that with people, too.
Both flowers have value, though both flowers are different, just as all people have value in spite of their differences. Next time you’re tempted to be irritated by someone, stop and shift your focus. It’ll improve your mental wellbeing and your dealings with that person.
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Do you feel like you need to explain yourself and your actions to others? Emblazon these two words into your brain: I’m good.
You are a person of ability and integrity, and your actions are an extension of those qualities. When others fail to see you in all your glory, nothing you can say will change their mind.
People make up their mind about who you are based on their life experiences, not yours. They see you as they are, not as you are. When you try to explain yourself, they’re hearing your words through the same distorted filter that made them misunderstand you in the first place.
Explaining yourself frustrates you and makes you look weak to others. When you feel like you need to explain yourself, say these words either inside your brain or right out loud – I’m good. Because you are, and those who see the real you already know it.
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Is there something you’d like to accomplish that you don’t feel quite prepared for yet? Oh, the terrible trouble that is caused by over-thinking and over-preparing because you don’t feel confident.
Think about all that you’ve already accomplished – did you know at the very beginning of each endeavor exactly how it would unfold and turn out? Of course not – there’s always a surprise or two along the way, and you always learn more about the subject and about yourself as you pursue a goal.
You don’t have to know all the steps – take the first one, and then the next one, and then the one after that. Trust that you have what it takes to discover a path that you’re already on, because that’s what you’ve done for your entire life.
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Did you read Sheryl Sandberg’s book, “Lean In”? One of my favorite concepts in the book is her view on leadership. According to Ms. Sandberg the ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have.
Think about it – the world is in a constant state of change and growth. A leader who doesn’t continue to learn and grow won’t be able to flex with those changes. A leader who values learning sets an amazing example for their people, showing them the value of continuing education, whether formal or informal. And a leader who values learning values employees who want to learn and grow. They don’t see them as a threat to their position or worry about them growing out of their current position, they understand that their people need to learn and grow, too, and they trust that no matter what happens, the growth of their people is vital to the growth of their business.
Think about your team – who is leading and are they learning?
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If you can hone it, you can own it.
What the heck does that mean?
It means that your brain wants to work on things. Your brain is designed to work on things, to figure them out and to get better at them. You can choose how you want to be – more forgiving, more accepting, more flexible – and you can make yourself those things, or whatever you’d like to be.
Catch yourself when you’re not being what you want to be, remind yourself that you’d like to do better, and in that moment, make the better choice. This requires consistency and focus from you, because your neural pathways support the status quo, not the improvements you seek.
If you can hone it, you can own it – pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, catch the ones that aren’t on your new pathway, change them and then pat yourself on the back for working to create your best self.
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Like the seashell that’s tumbled in the surf for a long time, you’ve been polished by life. You’ve been tossed around a bit, regained your balance and basked in the sun of your accomplishments. You’ve been prepared for what’s next by what’s been.
You’ve studied, you’ve learned and you’ve grown. No one remains the same and you aren’t the exception to that rule. Reflect on your growth…your wisdom…the knowledge you have gained and so freely share with those who want and need it. Appreciate where you are right now and where you’re going. You don’t have to know where that is – just know that the path you’re on will support and carry you to where you want to be, even if it doesn’t feel like it right this minute.
Your life is now. Feel your way. Trust yourself. You’ve made great choices to get to where you are – you’ll make great choices to go to what’s next.
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Is there someone in your life who needs a bit of coaching or behavior-correction? Maybe they’re a difficult person who isn’t coachable and teachable, but instead are defensive?
This is a situation that can be tough to handle well and very easy to procrastinate about. Putting it off just means you’ll fret about it a lot more than is good for your physical and mental well-being, so here’s an idea that usually works well.
Instead of coming from a place of authority, come from a place of compassion. Ask why they’re behaving the way they are, and don’t let them place blame. Gently keep the conversation focused on them and why they feel uncomfortable enough to misbehave.
Ask questions and keep asking until you feel you’ve gotten to the heart of the person and their behavior. Then help them decide what they’ll do to improve. When approached this way, behavior problems often evaporate, never to be seen again.
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In your practice or company, what is the predominant atmosphere? Are your people supportive and helpful or are they guarded and maybe even a little bit suspicious? Which atmosphere would you rather have?
OK…you can call me Captain Obvious for that question!
At the beginning of everything good is generosity. People who are generous with each other are supportive and helpful. People who are guarded are hoarding their generosity, probably out of fear of looking weak or being taken advantage of.
If you want to improve the atmosphere around you, think about what you and your people might be fearing. Fear is the wet blanket thrown over generosity. Find ways to remove the wet blanket and watch generosity, support and help pour out.
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Do you find yourself evaluating the actions of others? The way they dress, talk, look? We’re not born judgmental, yet many of us turn out that way to one degree or another.
Think about a time when you felt judged – it’s not a good feeling, is it? Maybe you even felt as if you needed to explain yourself…ouch! Sit in that feeling for a moment, and then ask yourself this question – do you want to make others feel that way?
It’s not your job to be the judge of the universe. That’s exhausting because you’ll always see people not doing what you think they should be doing. They have their life to lead and you have yours. Give yourself the freedom to NOT judge others – you’ll be surprised at how much energy you’ve been giving to something that’s not your job.
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If you watch the news, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Do you feel anxious? Frightened? Depressed?
Do you want to feel those feelings?
The news is designed to give you all of the bad things that happened today in a short period of time with good production value. News programs are just like every other program on broadcast television – they have to do everything possible to generate ratings and revenue, and make you feel like you HAVE to watch or you’ll miss out. You won’t.
If you like feeling anxious, frightened and maybe even depressed, then by all means, watch the news. If you’d rather feel better than that, turn off the news and do something that supports your mental wellbeing instead of sabotaging your mental wellbeing.
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When you’re up to your eyeballs in something you don’t love, that’s stress just waiting to happen. When you’re up to your eyeballs in something you love, that’s passion in action.
The trick is – you can always be doing something you like or love when you use neuroplasticity to shape your feelings. For instance, I really don’t like anything that has to do with paperwork and numbers. When tax time rolls around you should see me finding a thousand other things to do besides organize things for my tax guy. When I finally remember to make it a game instead of a chore, my feelings shift from annoyance and avoidance to being intrigued and interested. Do I love it? No, but I don’t hate it anymore.
Shift your perspective and you’ll shift your mood, which automatically eases your stress.
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Surround yourself with people whose values are similar to yours. That doesn’t mean the same opinions – life would be boring and you would never learn anything new.
People with a diversity of opinions, experiences and ways of being in the world are good to have around you. And it’s also good to have people around you who want to uplift, who want to help and who understand the value those attributes bring to themselves and to the world. Surround yourself with people who value happiness and success and who praise it when and where they see it.
Let the wet blankets and the jealous people hang together – you don’t need them in your life, distracting you from your success and wellbeing.
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Many people use pain as a wall to hide behind, ram into or as an excuse to not try. They do this because they don’t want to feel the pain and that’s a sensible desire. After all, who wants to feel pain?
When someone hides from pain, continually butts their head into something painful or uses the pain as an excuse to not grow, that’s not healthy. Just as physical pain causes us to stop doing something, like holding a match that’s burned all the way down, emotional pain is there to help us make choices that serve us better.
If you’re hiding behind a wall of pain, continually thrashing around in pain or using pain as an excuse to not move forward, choose a better reaction. Feel the pain, realize that whatever caused the pain is in the past and you have no power to change the past, and let your heart lead you out of pain and into a healthier, happier life.
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Have you heard the saying, “we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are?” That may sound woo-woo and weird, but it’s a truth based in neuroscience.
In the last decade scientists using diffusion imaging have watched how the brain responds during learning. Something new goes to short-term memory for sorting, then moves to long-term memory where it’s compared with what is already known and stored with similar memories.
Some neurological connections have been activated often, like the act of driving to work, so those conscious thoughts don’t even have to happen before you’re able to carry them out – you just know. Because your brain has millions of existing connections like that, they shape the way you view the world. Your existing memories and beliefs inform what your brain does with new information, so your life experiences shape how you see the world now.
You see things as you are. And everyone else sees the world the way they are. Knowing this, isn’t it easier not to argue with people?
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You’re so good at being patient and kind with others – why are you so mean to you?
Ouch – are you feeling the need to defend yourself right now? It’s OK – I’m actually talking to me, too, along with every other human on the planet except maybe sociopaths.
We are so good at giving others the benefit of the doubt, of helping them learn and grow, and being their shoulder when they are feeling down. And we are so not good at giving ourselves the same grace.
What are the things you say to yourself when something not-optimal happens? I was looking for a receipt the other day, berating myself for being disorganized as I searched drawers and folders for the hundredth time. What if, instead of berating myself, I took a break and went for a walk to clear my head and settle down?
Spoiler alert – that’s what I did and when I got home, the receipt appeared, almost by magic. Be patient and kind with yourself, as you are with others. Life works so much better that way!
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Maya Angelou said, “Remember – every storm runs out of rain.”
How many literal rainstorms have happened during your lifetime? Hundreds? Thousands? The only way the number could be that high is because the storm subsided and the sun came out. That’s a literal version of what happens in life emotionally, too.
In the depths of sadness or frustration or a sense of failure, remind yourself that every storm runs out of rain, and this one will, too.
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Failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
In the Irish culture, they have an interesting quirk of semantics that’s very empowering – instead of saying “I’m angry” they say “the anger came upon me.” It’s a very subtle shading that reminds the person saying it, as well as the person hearing it, that we are not how we feel. We can feel, and move on.
So when you fail, you are not a failure. Failure came upon you, and you can move on. Every human being will fail many many many times in their lifetime – it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Let failure come upon you, learn from it and then shake it off and go on with your wonderful life.
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Oh, new love – is there any better feeling than that?
The reason love feels so good is that we are choosing to see the best in the other person and daydreaming of how wonderful the next meeting will be. That’s easy to do when love is new, and tougher the longer you’ve been exposed to the not-so-best in the other person.
No matter how wonderful your new love seems, remember they’re human – inevitably, there’ll be some not-so-good pieces to being with them. Choose to see the best, anyway. When you do, you keep that “newly in love” feeling for a long time.
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Have you ever wondered what goosebumps are? Y
ou know, when you do something that feels so right, or say something that feels so true, that you get a warmth around your heart and little tingly bumps on your skin? You might even get puddly tears in your eyes. That’s you, connecting with the divine, however you define it, and celebrating a moment of perfect communion.
When something gives you that feeling, remember what it is and vow to do more of it.
Wow…telling you that just gave me goosebumps.
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Do you get offended easily? Maybe you’re even tempted to quit Facebook because of the unpleasant things some people post.
When you find yourself starting to get offended and defensive, stop. If you were out walking and saw a pile of dog poo sitting on the trail in front of you, would you walk around it or step in it? If you’d walk around it, then think of the things that offend you or upset you as dog poo…walk around them.
When you choose to step in poo, it’s not the poo’s fault that your shoe is stinky!
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Everything is beautiful. Everything. It’s up to you to look at in a way that highlights its beauty, not its flaws.
Every neighborhood has that one yard filled with dandelions, threatening to scatter their floating seeds all over everyone else’s pristine lawns. If you have one of the pristine lawns, you could be irate with your neighbor the dandelion farmer or you could remember how magical it felt as a child to make a wish and blow that round ball of fairy-seeds out to make your wish come true. Or you could look at the not-so-secret life of dandelions and appreciate how they feed bees, keeping them alive and thriving so they can pollinate other, more desirable flowers, fruits and vegetables.
Highlight the beauty of things and feel the contentment that will bring into your life.
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Did you know that you can choose not to react to things that normally upset you?
The primitive part of your brain has a 1 to 3 second head start, and it reacts quickly and strongly to things that have upset you in the past, as well as to things that seem life-threatening, like a car backfiring.
Take a breath – take control of the primitive part of your brain and tell it to relax while the frontal lobe lets you focus logic and reason on whatever just upset you. You can choose to just feel startled and shake it off, once you understand that the backfiring car was just a backfiring car, not a gang war breaking out.
Choose a new way to look at irritations and watch your stress melt away.
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It’s been a while since we talked about “going to MSU” so let’s revisit that. Our brains like to group events together and weave a story from them. It’s part of how we learn so well, and it’s also how we miscommunicate so well.
Going to MSU means that your brain is making stuff up – making up a story that might or might not be true, based on the evidence it’s picked up over time. Someone was grumpy with you at work…that same person was in the boss’ office with the door closed just now. Your brain might make up the story that the person is trying to take your job, when in fact they might have shown up for work hung over one too many times and are being let go.
Understand your brain’s ability to make up very convincing stories. Make asking questions to gain clarity before jumping to a conclusion your default behavior…quit going to MSU and then reacting.
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Give the gift of grace, just as you’d like everyone to give you grace.
When someone doesn’t know something, give the gift of teaching without condescending. When someone makes a mistake, give the gift of gently reminding them what a better path would have been. When someone lashes out in anger, give them the gift of love, because that’s when they need it most.
We’re all human and we all do stupid and sometimes even mean things. When that happens to you, give the gift of grace, and may you be offered the gift of grace when your human-ness shows.
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Is something bothering you? Is it something you can do something about? If you’re not fixing something that’s bothering you, you are choosing to continue to be bothered by it. I
know – it’s easy and tempting to hope that by ignoring something irritating, it will go away. Nope – it’ll just irritate you more and more as time goes by.
If you have the power to fix it, fix it. If you don’t have the power to fix it, make up a better story about it and tell yourself that story each time you’re tempted to get irritated.
Make a choice to either fix it or fix your perception of it and your life will feel soooooo much better!
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Humans have emotions and we’re meant to feel them. Sometimes it’s impossible not to feel them, and very annoying to have other people try to help by saying things like, “This happened for a reason and you just need to move on” when your heart is breaking over a break-up.
It is perfectly ok to be sad. When you feel sad, you don’t have to spend energy to put on a show for anyone. Feel what you feel, fix what you can, process the rest and then, when you’re ready, move on.
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Has someone been unkind to you today? Has someone tried to manipulate you today? Has someone lied to you today?
Since you’re dealing with human beings, you’ve probably experienced some level of all of those behaviors today, unless you’re hearing this right after waking up. You can’t control how other people behave, even those who are related to you. You can control what you’ll put up with in your life, and how other people’s bad behavior will affect you.
Start by remembering who you are, why what you do matters, and how much value you give to others through the things you do each day. Be polite and unmoved by those who do wrong things to you. They have no power over you. None. When you take away your emotional reactions to their bad behavior, you gut their ability to control you.
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“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
Mark Twain was known much more for his warm, folksy humor than for writing scary stories, though one of his masterworks is A Ghost Story. He takes readers on a trip through an abandoned old hotel, haunted by a spirt at first frightening and then pitiful.
The idea of fear being normal and something to gain control of is illustrated in A Ghost Story and you can resist and master your fears, too. If you are afraid of something, study it. Learn about it. Master the knowledge of it.
Once you understand how and why something is the way it is or happens the way it happens, you’ll gain courage over it in your life, too.
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Over half of Americans don’t use all of their vacation time. Are you in that group? You earned your time off, you use some of it and at the end of the year, you give some of it back.
Would you give back your salary? I don’t think so, so why do you give back your sanity?
Time away from work to do something soul-satisfying is one of the very best ways to gain and retain the work/life balance many people find elusive. Experience your life, don’t just live it – take all of your vacation time. All of it. How you choose to use it is up to you.
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My friend and colleague, Chad Hymas, is a very wise man. He said, “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”
Chad is a fabulous example of the importance of who you are, not what you’ve done or what you have. Pursuing goals is one of the keystone habits that successful people share – not achieving the goal, but pursuing it. It’s the pursuit that creates focused action, a sense of accomplishment and a new place to dream of, create and achieve more goals.
The sense of accomplishment, of confidence and newfound wisdom is part of what you become by achieving your goals.
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OK – stop. Listen to this with your whole self, because it’s important to your success in life.
You can cause yourself to feel however you’ve decided to feel. Hear that again – you can cause yourself to feel however you’ve DECIDED to feel.
This is neuroplasticity at it’s most powerful, and you are in complete control. For instance, when I see a picture of Mom, who died way too young of metastatic breast cancer, my practiced thought is that I was very lucky to have been her daughter. By focusing on a better-feeling thought, I caused myself to feel grateful, not sad. I had to do this a lot before feeling sad wasn’t the default feeling, and that’s how the brain works. With consistency, I taught my brain a different knee-jerk response. Neuroplasticity to the rescue!
Decide how you want to feel and use your powerful brain to feel that way.
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Be patient with yourself…you are still growing.
Like a tomato plant from the garden center, you have your spine and what you think you will do with your life. And like a tomato plant, that can look different from one day to the next. One day it may have 8 leaves and a dream, and you might have an unreliable car and a job across town.
Be patient with yourself. One day, like that tomato plant, you’ll be thriving in ways you can only dream of now.
You are still growing, and your life is still growing. Be patient with yourself. You are a magnificent work in progress, no matter how long the world has been enjoying your presence. Until the very end, be the person who is still growing.
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Albert Einstein said, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
Sure, it’s good to have a method, logic and evidence to back up actions – it’s also good to notice how something makes you feel and either do more of it or move on. When your intuition tells you that someone is up to no good, you could talk yourself out of that feeling, wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt because that’s what good people do, or you could trust your gut and maybe stop a crime in progress by reporting what you saw.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift – trust in your gift more.
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Plato said, “No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.” He didn’t say it exactly that way – translations differ so that’s an English-language distillation of a two-sentence section of his Apology speech.
When you find yourself in the company of people who flatter and praise to someone’s face and then whisper behind their back, you are among people who aren’t worthy of your friendship or even your time. If they’re part of your team, then it’s time to give them a tough-love lesson on tough love.
It’s not kind to tell someone one thing to their face and gossip about the wrongness of that thing to others. It’s not kind and it’s a morale killer on a staff. It’s worth the risk to speak the truth, because then everyone is on the same page.
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Do you blame your parents for problems you have now? Maybe they didn’t love you the way you wanted and needed to be loved. Maybe they were absent more than you would have preferred. Maybe they were even mentally or physically abusive, and so you believe that the life you’re living now is because of what they did to you.
Parents are human. They can only do what they know how to do, which often is what was done to them. When you continue to use their lack of parenting ability to excuse your lack of progress in life, you’re selling yourself short.
You, standing where you are right now, have the talent and ability to be and do and have whatever you want. You must let go of the blame, though – blame holds you in a stuck place. Stop being stuck – forgive your parents and get on with your fabulous life!
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Happiness isn’t possible 100% of the time. Yes, my company is the Center for Workplace Happiness and you heard that right – 100% happiness isn’t possible.
That’s OK, though, because it doesn’t need to be. Contentment is the baseline of happiness, as measured by researchers at Yale, Harvard, Cambridge and other universities with neuroplasticity studies.
When you’re feeling frightened or stressed or just plain old blah, happiness can feel two continents away and completely out of reach. If it feels too tough to find happiness in the moment, how can you feel more content? What could you think about or do to help lift your spirits, maybe not all the way to happiness, but to contented?
When you’re in a good mood, think about the things that always make you smile, and make a list. Then, when it feels like you’re drowning in negative feelings, pull out the list and put those things to the test. Even if you don’t make it all the way to happiness, you’re bound to make yourself feel better.
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Has someone ever come to you with a problem, wanting you to help them solve it? And you talk it out with them, help them see their options and then they ask you what to do?
And then don’t do it, so they stay stuck in their problem?
What other people do with your input is not your business. Well, ok, if they’re employed by you and your input for them has to do with the work they do for you, then they need to follow your directions. Otherwise, the very best thing you can do is lend them your ear, advise them if they ask you for it, and then let it go.
You can give people information, teach them what you think they need and want to know and you cannot control how they receive the information or what they do with it. Be like a Disney princess…let it go, let it goooooooooo!
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Want to feel better about yourself? Look for what’s right in the people around you.
Look for their conscientiousness, their competence and their kindness. Look for evidence of their heart shining through their work and their interactions with others. Look for their faith in themselves and their trust of others.
When you look for the best aspects of the people around you, you shine that same light on the best parts of yourself. Make it a habit to feel better about yourself by feeling better about others.
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It is human nature to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
We are living our condition, warts and all, and see someone else living what looks like a much better life.
Do you ever get stuck in that sort of not-enough feeling? Stop, and think about what’s right about what you’re living. Remember where you were, and how exciting it was while you were on the way to where you are.
If you’re feeling stuck and you want more, then dream a dream of where you want to go next. Then look at the lovely green grass in front of you – it’s all on your side of the fence, just waiting for you to be ready to walk a new path through it.
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When you believe you’re beautiful, you are. When you believe you’re worthy, you are. When you believe you can do it, you can.
This isn’t just psycho-babble from some happiness nut, it’s grounded in neuroscience and human behavior. You probably know at least one person whose looks are fairly average and yet people mention her beauty. You probably know at least one person who went to school on scholarships, two jobs and a car held together by a guitar string and a prayer, and yet she carries herself confidently. You probably know at least one person who seems to just put words to an idea, like writing a book, and boom – it’s done!
Those people believe they have what it takes. They’re not narcissistic or egotistical, they’re comfortable in their own skin. And you can be, too. Because you are beautiful and worthy and capable.
Believe it and it will be for you, too.
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No one can stop you. No one.
I saw a man once wearing a shirt that said, “No one can stop me. No One!” Feeling playful, I got in front of him on the sidewalk and said, “Sir, wait – just wait a minute!” Puzzled, he stopped. And I celebrated. And we both laughed at how easy he was to stop, and then we went on with our lives.
But really – no one can stop you except you.
Think of the things you’d like to do that aren’t done, and then think of the reasons you give yourself for not doing them. Heck, I’m pointing my own finger at me on this one – it's very human to not prioritize our own needs, to put off doing things we don’t like to do, and to say “someday” on things that feel out of reach right now.
No one can stop you except you. Evaluate the validity of the roadblocks you’ve put in your own way and figure out a way over, around or through them.
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Are you holding a grudge? Telling the story of pain someone caused you years ago? Avoiding someone because just being around them makes you feel sick to your stomach with dread?
Forgiveness to the rescue!
Forgiveness is HUGE and it’s not that hard to do, when you realize that all those bad feelings aren’t hurting the other person at all. They don’t care that you’re beating yourself up, and if they’re really so bad, they’d probably celebrate the fact that their mere existence is messing up your life.
Quit beating yourself up with toxic emotions that set you up for stress and illness – put on your placid cow persona and forgive. Forgive the person you’re avoiding – just be a placid cow around them when your paths cross. Quit telling old, tragic stories – close your mouth and mentally chew your cud instead. And grudges are for 7-year-olds, and you’re probably just a bit older than that.
Forgive yourself, and then forgive everyone in your past, present and future. They’re just doing the best they can, and that is all they can do.
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Want to feel better about yourself? Look for what’s right in the people around you.
Look for their conscientiousness, their competence and their kindness. Look for evidence of their heart shining through their work and their interactions with others. Look for their faith in themselves and their trust of others.
When you look for the best aspects of the people around you, you shine that same light on the best parts of yourself. Make it a habit to feel better about yourself by feeling better about others.
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Are there people who have abused your good nature in the past? Maybe you loved them and they betrayed you? Many people, in a circumstance like that, beat themselves up for loving someone who didn’t return that love.
May I give you a different, more powerful way to think about it?
You gave love. You have love inside you and you shared it with another human being. What they did with the love you gave was up to them – you chose to love, and you felt really good while you were loving. Remember that you have love and you give love and you feel wonderful when you do.
Love is love – go spread your loving heart around generously, and feel really good while you are loving. There’s something to love in every single person on this planet. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find it and to love. What others do with the love you give them is their choice…meanwhile, cherish how good it feels to love for no good reason.
The endorphins you create will be your own and you’ll sail through life hooked on dopamine, oxytocin and love.
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Notice how you feel.
This sounds weird, I know – we’re so used to our own feelings that often we forget to feel them. The fundamentals of creating more success and happiness in your life is to actually recognize how you’re feeling, moment to moment.
It matters to notice what you’re feeling as you feel it because so many of our feelings are patterns we’ve gotten in to that don’t serve us very well. For instance, if you get irritated because you’re in traffic behind a van and you drive a small car, ask yourself why you’re irritated? Is it because you can’t see through it? Is it because you think the driver is wasting gas? Is it because you think nobody needs a car that big? Taking things personally that clearly aren’t personal doesn’t serve you, your happiness or your success.
So – notice how you feel. Right now, how do you feel? Do you want to feel that way? If so, yay! If not, what can you do right now in this moment to change how you feel?
Do it, I dare you!
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When you feel happy, you are aware of more happiness around you. When you feel healthy, you are aware of the healthy opportunities around you. When you feel satisfied, you’ll see more things to be satisfied about.
Are you sensing a trend here?
The flip side of the coin is also true – when you feel sad, more things make you sad. When you feel pain in your body, you focus on the pain in your body. When you feel unappreciated, you’ll notice more things that make you feel unappreciated.
What do you want to notice? Do you want to focus on your competent team? Then focus on what they do right and praise them for it. Do you want to focus on your healthy body? Then notice when it’s doing something wonderful, like carrying you up a flight of stairs or just across the room and appreciate the things your body lets you do. Do you want to focus on the good news in the world instead of the few not-so-good things that the news likes to focus on? Then notice what’s right in the world, starting with you. Catch yourself doing something nice for someone, or going out of your way to be of service to someone and congratulate yourself. Feel appreciation for the driver who lets someone turn into traffic in front of them.
There’s a saying that your life will go the way the corners of your mouth go. Smile, focus on what’s going right and your life will go that way, too.
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You know that wonderful feeling of being in love? Want to feel more love? Be love because you are love.
You are made of love, and love is who we are. You don’t need to find self-love – all you need to do is love.
Look around you – there’s so much to love. Love the sun sparkling on a drop of water…love the bird calling out in the midday air…love the fact that your heart beats with no effort at all from you. Love the road you drive on and the car you drive and the people on the road around you, driving so they don’t hit your car. Love the music coming out of the radio, the radio itself and the people whose brains conceived of this amazing device, along with those who paved the roads and those who built your car.
When you focus on what you love about the world around you, you feel that love. And doesn’t love feel good? And when you feel good, everything around you feels better too. When you learn to love everything, you’ll be in love all the time!
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Comparison is the way you dig away at your self-esteem. Ouch – could that be true?
Yep, and research into social comparison theory finds that, while a small level of comparison can be motivating, most people spend way too much time measuring themselves against others and feeling “less than.” Nearly 10% of our thinking time each day is spent comparing ourselves to others in one way or another.
If you find yourself feeling like you don’t measure up, ask yourself some questions: Is that person really the best way for me to measure myself and my talents? Where are they in their journey in relation to my journey – in other words, are they years ahead of me in practice or business or life? And my favorite question is: I wonder if this person is comparing themselves to me?
You are the only you in the entire world. No one else can contribute the way you do, and no one else has your insights and expertise. You have always done your best to do your best and that makes you a role model. Instead of digging away at your self-esteem by comparing yourself to others, appreciate your kind heart, brilliant brain and your compassion. The world needs more people like you.
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When babies learn to walk, they make hundreds of balance mistakes before they finally manage to string a few steps together. When students take their college boards, most of them feel very anxious, and sometimes over-think things, creating mistakes where they wouldn’t have been.
When babies fall they don’t chastise themselves. When students get a bad grade on a test, they do chastise themselves.
What happens in the intervening 20 or so years? Other people imposing their expectations on us. Next time you notice your brain beating you up for making a mistake – stop and listen. Whose words are those? Whose disapproval is that? Not yours – you don’t talk to other people like that, so you must have learned that behavior from someone else.
I’m here to gently remind you to realize those negative words inside your brain are someone else’s experience of you and you don’t have to continue living their experience. You can say something like, “Oh, there I go again, letting someone else’s words make me feel bad. I’m way better than that!” And then change the subject. Don’t let your brain talk to you in ways you would NEVER talk to another person. You’re way to good to feel so bad!
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Optimism is a perfectly legitimate response to failure. Stephen King said that and I agree – do you?
When you try to do something and it doesn’t turn out quite like you planned, what’s your usual feeling? Do you beat yourself up? Try to cover the failure up? Or do you find a way to see the problem more clearly so you can solve it more easily next time?
When you can teach yourself to be optimistic in the face of failure, you are teaching yourself the secret to resilience. Sure, you’re going to try new things and some will go well and some won’t. The ones that go well help you feel confident – the ones that don’t can also help you feel confident, when you remember to mine the failure for the lessons it can teach you. Because every failure has at least one powerful lesson in it, and it's one you can only see when you’re looking at it with hopeful, optimistic eyes.
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Focus on your strengths, not where you think you are weak.
Oh, we can be so hard on ourselves!! For years I thought I was clumsy so didn’t go out for sports, go out on dates or put myself out there, for fear people would see how clumsy I was. News flash – I wasn’t clumsy, I just thought I was!
How do you sabotage yourself with negative self-talk? Think about one weakness you believe you have and this week, when it pops into your head, remind yourself of two strengths you have.
Train your brain to focus on your strengths and watch the fears of your weakness dissipate.
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You know how someone gives you the willies? You know that one thing that when you eat it, you don’t feel good the next day? You know there’s that one street you avoid driving down and you don’t know why?
Trust those feelings.
Gut reactions – knee-jerk responses – intuition – no matter what you call feelings like that, trust them. Your brain and body are picking up on something that you may not understand, and it’s ok that you don’t understand it. Trust it.
You know what you know…trust what you know, whether you can explain what you know or not.
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Don’t spend your time trying to make people like you.
When you’re around someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate you, understand that’s their issue, not yours. Move on. Seriously – move on!
It took me a long time to realize that, the same way I don’t like every single person in my life, it’s perfectly ok for others to not like me. And once I really understood and internalized that, it was one of the most freeing moments in my life.
There are people you don’t like. Maybe you don’t even know why you don’t want to be around them – you just don’t. Allow others the same leeway. Don’t keep trying to make someone like you. Let them come to you eventually, if they want to, and in the meantime, let them be.
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Strength comes from moving through life’s tough moments.
Most people wish they had an easy life – plenty of money, no problems in their relationships, lots of free time to do as they please. But it’s in life’s tough moments that humans gain their strengths.
When you learn to make do, when you learn to make up and when you learn to balance your working hours with your leisure hours, you become stronger and more confident. And when you’re stronger and more confident, life’s tough moments don’t feel so scary.
So next time fate deals you a challenging hand, remember that it’s your opportunity to get stronger.
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Did your parents encourage you to learn from your mistakes? Mine did, and that’s good advice. Unfortunately, sometimes I got in trouble for making mistakes, which taught me how to deny them.
It’s hard to learn from mistakes you’re not owning up to, so if you learned the same lessons from your parent as I did, here’s a tip – own your mistakes. Yep, you’re a grown-up now, so no one is the boss of you. Heck, you might even be the boss of a team! When you own your mistakes it frees you up to learn and grow from them, plus it makes you look amazingly strong and ethical. That’s a pretty good way to look to others, right?
Go ahead – make mistakes, own them, learn from them and move on, confident that you’ve done a great job of adulting.
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Think about successful inventors and creators. Michelangelo. Thomas Edison. Bill Gates. They changed the world because they saw visions of what could be and focused on those visions instead of on the world in front of them. They used their imagination to create things most other people would have called crazy.
It’s not our big brains that made us a successful species – it’s our ability to imagine things instead of just seeing what’s in front of us. And here’s the secret – every single one of us has the ability to imagine and create.
What have you been imagining? What will you begin to create today?
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Think of the most positive person you know. They may be so positive that sometimes they annoy you with their sunny outlook.
Now, take this in – that person has negative thoughts, just like you.
Neuroscience research has documented the brain’s negativity bias – it’s a survival trait that we don’t really need anymore but it still persists. Even the most positive people have negative thoughts. They just don’t let their negative thoughts control their day, and you can make the same choice.
It sounds easy and often it’s not easy. It can be done – when you find yourself feeling helpless, hopeless or headed for a downward spiral of horribilizations, use that mental stop sign and distract yourself. It’s harder at first, and the more you catch yourself and distract yourself, the easier it becomes. Try it today.
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Even if you avoid dousing yourself regularly with news coverage, you still know what’s going on in the world. And you understand that a lot of what happens around you and sometimes even to you isn’t perfect. Heck, sometimes it’s downright horrible.
There is darkness that sometimes happens to you, but the darkness isn’t you. You are the light that refused to quit shining in spite of the darkness you endured. You are the beacon that others look to in order to find their own strength. Never forget that – you are the light that others follow, even when you don’t know they’re following you.
Be the light and shine in a way only you can.
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Do you let your imagination run free at least a few times a day?
Imagination is allowing your brain to consider the possibilities, no matter how outlandish they may be. It’s very easy to get caught in the rut of doing things the way you always do them, and reacting the way you always react.
Today, try to give your imagination free run of a few decisions and see what happens. How did it feel to get playful inside your head? How did what you thought you’d do change when your imagination was in charge? How did it turn out?
Let your imagination run free – that’s where fun and growth live.
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There’s so much wisdom on Facebook – have you noticed? A friend posted a meme that said “Stop tending other peoples’ gardens at the expense of your own.”
Think about that for a moment – how often do you help a friend when you really need to be doing something else? How often do you stay in a conversation that makes you feel bad just because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings? How often do you choose to hurt your own feelings instead of hurting someone else’s?
It’s ok to occasionally do for others instead of for yourself, but if you almost always tend other people’s gardens and let yours become a bed of weeds, that’s not ok. You matter. Your needs matter. Be sure to tend to your own needs so that you can joyfully help others with theirs.
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Do you often feel self-conscious around people you don’t know well?
That’s normal, and trust me, as you grow in self-confidence you’ll lost some or most of that uncomfortable feeling that others are judging you.
You are the center of your universe – and you are not the center of anyone else’s. People don’t focus on you as much as you think they do, because they’re busy focusing on themselves. That one belief – that people are too busy focusing on themselves to be focusing on you – will help you feel more confident, no matter what’s going on. They’re not focused on you nearly as much as you think they are.
You focus on you and what you want to do, accomplish or be. Your attention to yourself is what really matters.
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Judy Garland said, “Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
What does that quote mean to you? To me, she was talking about self-confidence – about being the best you, the boldest you, the kindest you and the most confident you. When you try to be like someone else, you’re trading self-confidence for a need to fit in.
A great way to start the day is to remind yourself that there is only one “you” on this planet and you’re going to be the best “you” possible all day long.
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You look at the world through the sum total of your life experiences. Your partner looks at the world through the sum total of their experiences. Every person you interact with looks at the world through their own life experiences.
No two humans have the same experiences, so all of us will react differently to the same things.
We’ll see things differently – even things that we watch unfold as we are right next to each other. Maybe you’ve heard that eyewitness testimony in a trial isn’t very reliable? Eyewitnesses often get it right – in cases where DNA exonerates someone found guilty, 75% of the time they were convicted because of eyewitnesses who got it wrong.
Understand that you are unique and have a unique point of view, just like everyone else. That’ll help you stay out of arguments and misunderstandings.
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Are you facing something that looks like a big decision or a big problem? Wait. Wait. And then wait some more.
Time and flexibility of thoughts will often bring you the path to follow. When you are very conflicted about something and don’t know which way to go, do what I do – give it to the committee in the back of your head. That’s my name for it – you might choose something else to call the process of knowing that some part of your brain will be working in the background while you go about your life.
You don’t have to focus on the decision or problem – your brain’s got it. And suddenly, almost like magic, the perfect solution or decision will come to you. Thank you, committee in the back of your head!
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Sometimes people who are older than you will say “these are the best years of your life.” They may be trying to help you put something into perspective, they may be remembering their life at your age, or they may just be parroting the same old k-r-a-p that was said to them when they were your age.
They don’t mean to be dismissive of your problem, they probably think they’re helping you. If you can bring yourself to do it, ask sweetly, “how could you possibly know that about me?” Sweetly. And don’t continue to converse with them if they have the lack of tact to try. Smile sweetly, lips together.
And inside your head, remind yourself that you haven’t lived all of your life yet and every day – every moment – holds endless possibilities for success, happiness and joy.
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Want to know the secret to stress relief? It’s not having a stress-free life, it’s having a stress-free outlook.
What happens around you happens. You’re not in control of red lights, gridlock traffic, rude clients – none of it. You can’t control what happens around you – you can control your response to it. Your brain makes it challenging to choose a new reaction, though, because for years you’ve reacted to the same stimuli in the same old way. If that way feels stressful, switch it up.
Think about one thing that happens in your life fairly often, think about how you usually react and how you’d rather react. Practice the new reaction in your mind and your thoughts, so that when the thing happens, you’re ready to try out your new, improved, stress-relieving reaction.
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An author known for writing deeply frightening books, Stephen King, said, “The scariest moment is always just before you start.” He was talking about writing a book and could have been talking about anything.
Beginning something new is always filled with at least a little bit of dread or trepidation or even fear. That is normal, and if it was felt and acknowledged by the king of fearful fiction himself, then you know it’s ok for you to feel it and move through it, too.
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Where do you find happiness? How often do you actually look for happiness?
There are people who tell you that life shouldn’t be about being happy all the time, and it might surprise you to know I agree with them. Life isn’t about being happy all the time – it’s in the setbacks, heartbreaks and wanting more that we learn to stretch ourselves and grow. And it’s in the happy moments that life is truly worth living, so it’s wonderful to teach yourself to look for and find happiness.
When you learn to focus on things that please you, you’ll find happiness everywhere. It’s up to you to look for it, though.
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How do you feel when something or someone you wanted doesn’t become yours? Maybe it was a new work situation, a new house or even a new spouse?
Well, that question seems stupid, doesn’t it?
Rejection hurts. Rejection is disappointing. And then there’s this - rejection is good because it shows you that you tried.
Failing at anything is a bit of a gut-punch at first, and that’s to be expected because you’re human. Reframe that feeling – remind yourself that you put yourself out there and you tried, and when you try again it could very well turn out in your favor.
Lick your wounds for a moment and then move on – life has more adventures in store for you!
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Focus on what you love, not what you fear.
Have you heard the phrase “you are what you eat?” Work in neuroscience and neuroplasticity is proving that you are what you think, too.
People who focus on what they dislike are constantly aware of what they dislike. The neighbor’s barking dog – red lights – people who cut in line or cut them off in traffic. What you focus on is what you’re paying attention to, which means it’s what you’re going to notice most and react to most.
So focus on what you love, not what you fear or what you dislike. Notice what makes you happy – believe me, there’s more of that to focus on than the negative things.
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I ran across this quote from Pema Chodron – “You are the sky. Everything else is the weather.”
Do you love that as much as I do?
It’s a great reminder of your vastness, your calmness, your value and your beauty. It’s also a reminder that, just like the weather, difficulties will pass and you can remain vast, calm, valuable and beautiful.
Whether or not you recognize your vastness, your calmness, your value and your beauty is completely up to you.
You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.
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Do you have people in your life that get on your last nerve. Maybe just the thought of them makes your skin crawl, or makes you want to avoid them. Maybe you feel like they don’t deserve your good thoughts or your friendship or your love. Maybe you even think they’re bad or evil and so you are justified in vilifying them.
They may truly not deserve your good thoughts, but you do.
You deserve your good thoughts about them. When you can find just one positive thing to focus on about a person you want to dislike, you shift your attitude from one of negativity to one of positivity. That benefits you.
You deserve your good thoughts about every single person on the planet, no matter what they’ve done. Can you do that? Because when you can, you become a better friend, co-worker, leader and lover. And you deserve to be all of those, too!
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Today is a brand new day.
Yesterday only comes into your mind and your decisions if you choose to bring it along. Tomorrow isn’t here yet and you can’t do anything in your tomorrow today. Today is where all of your possibilities lie.
What do you want your tomorrow to include? What changes would you like to see as you move forward through this week or month or year or life? Today is the day you can begin to effect those changes. Today is a brand new day.
How will you use your today? Because it really is all up to you.
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Do you care about someone who seems to self-sabotage?
Maybe they’re a co-worker or employee, or maybe they’re a family member or a friend. You, as a caring person, want to help them. You, as a caring person, might help out in every way you can think of, only to see that person make the same poor choices, and it breaks your heart because you’re a caring person.
You might not want to hear this, and yet you need to hear it – the very best thing you can do for someone who’s making poor life choices is to set a great example. Give them a map to follow – your example – and point them towards resources they can choose to use to create their own better life.
You would probably be irritated if someone tried to change you, so don’t try to change anyone else. You can’t anyway. Love them, set a great example for them, show them resources that exist to help them and let them make their own way. It’s their life to live as they choose, and to learn and grow if they choose.
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Are you a mirror or a candle? What the heck do I mean by that??
Mirrors can be used in a lot of wonderful ways – they allow us to see ourselves, they can make a room look bigger, and those are good things. But mirrors simply reflect what’s around them.
Candles can also be used in a lot of wonderful ways – they light the way, light another candle and help others feel more stable and less frightened than they might be if they had to sit in the dark.
Mirrors reflect – candles shine. Are you a mirror or a candle?
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I ran across this quote from Pema Chodron – “You are the sky. Everything else is the weather.”
Do you love that as much as I do? It’s a great reminder of your vastness, your calmness, your value and your beauty. It’s also a reminder that, just like the weather, difficulties will pass and you can remain vast, calm, valuable and beautiful.
Whether or not you recognize your vastness, your calmness, your value and your beauty is completely up to you.
You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.
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Are there special things you see that mean something to you? Maybe it’s matching numbers like 333 or 1111. Maybe it’s a butterfly, or a hummingbird or a rainbow or any of a million possibilities.
Those little happenstances can be called godwinks or coincidences or synchronicity – no matter what you call them, notice and appreciate when they show up in your day. Smile and use that moment to remember how much good there is in the world and how wonderful it is when it shows up for you.
Being in the moment instead of letting your time-traveling brain wander around in past problems or future worries lets you focus on life’s little miracles, which are always just waiting for you to see them.
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When things get tense, find something to laugh about. This is especially important for people who work closely together in stressful situations, like veterinary hospitals. Having an inside joke – one that’s not at the expense of anyone – can quickly ease a tense moment.
One of the veterinary teams I worked with used the phrase “and your Aunt Mary, too!” to lighten things up. Aunt Mary was what they affectionately called one of their clients when she was out of earshot. They loved her because she was always courteous to the staff and doted on her two Shih Tzus.
Invoking Aunt Mary reminded everyone to take a breath, relax and get through the current tough moment, just like Aunt Mary would. Do you have an Aunt Mary in your life – someone you could think about and be like when life throws you a curve ball?
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Johnathan Swift, the satirist from the 1700’s, wrote, “Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.”
Need an example of a visionary? Nikola Tesla, who dreamed and then created alternating current, the concept of the electric power grid and even wireless communications, though he ran out of funding before completing that work.
What is your vision? What do you see that others can’t, and maybe that others have told you is impossible to do. Your vision feeds your soul – don’t share it with those who’ll try to talk you out of it.
Hold on to the art of seeing things invisible and keep moving towards realizing your vision, no matter what it is or how impossible it seems. You dreamed it – you can do it.
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Are you big?
I spent a big part of my life trying to fit in, to adapt, to be part of…whatever. And then I discovered that we were never meant to do that. People who cared about us taught us to adapt and fit in because that’s what they’d been taught to do. When we do that, we limit our own bigness.
We were born big – full of wonder and love and possibilities. Remember how that felt, before you began to “what if” everything and before you tried to adapt to the world instead of shape your world?
You are powerful – you have the spark inside you to be as big as you want to be. Be big – the universe is expanding and changing and you can, too.
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Gratitude is different than appreciation. Nice is different than good. Right is different than fair. And words intended to solve a problem can be the very way a problem gets way out of hand.
Those three sets of words – gratitude and appreciation, nice and good, right and fair – are often used as synonyms and can mean wildly different things to different people. If you’re in conflict with someone, don’t assume the words being used mean the same thing to both of you – they probably don’t.
When the other person says something that gets under your skin, stop and ask, “can you please explain that a little more for me?” You’re not issuing a challenge, you’re asking for more clarity.
When the two of you understand what you each mean, the pathway to mutual understanding and potential agreement can happen.
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Remember the problems you had in elementary school? You have different problems now than you did then, so why do you repeat the same behavior patterns now that you did then?
That’s easy to answer – it’s because those behavior patterns were formed when you were a young child, and your brain is a pattern-running machine. The human brain’s ability to learn new things is driven by its ability to recognize and replicate patterns, so if you learned that crying would get you out of having to make your bed, maybe you still tear up if someone needs you to do something you don’t want to do.
Next time you catch yourself reacting in the same old way, ask yourself if that’s really how you want to behave now that you’re grown up and more in charge of your life.
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“All the beauty of life is made up of light and shadows.”
Leo Tolstoy said that and if you’ve read any of his work, you know he valued the shadows of life as much as the light. Without shadows, the world around us would appear flat and featureless. And without the challenges that life throws at us sometimes, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to grow and learn.
If you’re having a tough day, remember that it’s temporary and things always get better. Look into the shadows of your tough day – what are the lessons you can learn from the difficulties? What are the things you can do differently next time those difficulties crop up? What are the policy changes you can implement to keep them from cropping up?
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Human beings are creatures of habit.
Have you ever watched helplessly as your best friend picked the same type of bad-for-her relationship partner? That happens because we’re innately drawn to patterns of behavior that fit a pattern we’re used to. It doesn’t matter if it’s a good pattern or a bad pattern – it’s a pattern that feels familiar, and therefore our brains flood our bodies with oxytocin and dopamine in response.
If you have a pattern of behavior you’d like to change, make a plan, work the plan and be patient and kind with yourself when you find yourself reverting to an old way of doing things. Our brains love patterns – it’s how we can learn and grow so rapidly – so creating a new pattern and then sticking with that new pattern will create your new habit
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Do you have team members who play the blame game? When something happens, their default response is to point a finger at someone else so that they won’t be blamed for it.
This is so harmful to team dynamics and to the hospital culture, so this person is ripe for education and the opportunity for personal growth. Take them aside and help them see that blaming others makes them look bad. Nobody likes a tattle tale, so they’re just hurting themselves in the long run.
A better response would be for them to either accept responsibility for their part in the problem or remain quiet.
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Have you let your imagination come out to play at work?
Maybe you have a difficult surgery on your schedule – what if you let your imagination do the surgery before you actually do it? Imagine the steps through the process, imagine the best possible outcome and imagine the potential problems that could arise.
Let your imagination work on the surgery first, and once you get started in reality, it will feel more familiar and you’ll feel more confident.
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The kindest, most loving, most supportive thing you can do for others is to set a great example.
When you show someone that success is possible, that happiness is possible, that living life on your terms is possible, you give them a huge gift. They see your life and, no matter what’s going on in theirs, they can see the possibilities for themselves. You don’t have to do anything concrete for that person in order to lift them up, and you may never know the difference you’ve made in their life, and that has to be OK with you.
Living the life of your dreams shares that dream, amplifying the good you do in the world.
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How often do you appreciate? Appreciate a person, a pretty day, an unexpected break in a busy schedule – how often do you take a moment to notice the tiny gifts each day brings?
Appreciation is a skill most children have, and most of us, as we get older, learn to take things for granted instead of being almost in awe of them. Try to bring the appreciative child in you along with you through your day – be present and notice the goodness all around you.
I promise you, it’s there, and will make you feel so much less stressed when you remember to focus on it instead of on the issues and problems.
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Do you sometimes…or maybe often…fret about what others think about you, or how they perceive you? Taking that a step further, do you try to shape your behavior to look better to others?
In other words, you choose your behavior in a certain situation based on what you think someone else will think about your decision. You aren’t inside the other person’s head and you have NO way to predict their thoughts. You can’t control the way others see you, react to you or feel about you.
Give it up – be your authentic self, because you’re the only person on the planet who can be you.
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Is there something in your body that hurts?
For most of us, there’s an ouchie place or two that gets our attention on a daily basis. When you focus on it, you give it more airtime and power in your life. When you can joke about it, you lessen its impact.
After sitting down for a period of time, I’m getting a bit slow to get up. Ouchies! If someone asks what’s wrong, I usually just say that like a flower, sometimes it takes a little time to unfold. That gets a laugh and helps me feel better, too.
What light-hearted thing can you say about your ouchies?
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What is happening to you right now is temporary. No matter what’s going on in your life, good or bad, it’s only temporary.
The wonderful, magical thing about life is that it keeps moving and everything keeps changing. Enjoy the good-filled now when that’s happening, and tolerate the not-so-good-filled now when it shows up in your life, secure in the knowledge that it’s temporary. It’s all temporary. And you can handle whatever life throws at you, right?
You have so far – trust yourself that you can going forward.
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Are you worrying about something that’ll happen in the future?
In addition to flooding yourself with stress hormones right now, you have no way of knowing that what you’re worrying about will even happen. Heck, you have no way of knowing that the future will even happen!
Worrying is an indulgence of the brain that makes us feel like we’re doing something productive, when in reality what we’re doing is spoiling our day today. You know you have today…why not enjoy it instead of spoiling it with worry? If and when the thing you’re worried about shows up, you’ll deal with it. And it may never show up, so for now, just let it go.
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Agreement is good…and not essential.
One of the things that keeps life interesting is that we all have different points of view. That means we bring our own life experiences to whatever is going on right now, and often it’s those life experiences that can cause friction.
Because no two people have the same experiences, no two people interpret situations exactly the same way. You see something one way, the other person sees it differently, and when both people feel strongly tethered to their viewpoint, an argument can erupt.
Here’s how to not let that happen. When someone proclaims that they are right and you are wrong, just tell them – and mean it! – you’re right! In their head and heart, based on the experiences they’ve had in their life, they are right. That doesn’t make you wrong – it’s just a difference of opinion.
See how easy it is to not argue?
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Should is a punishment.
There, I said it – when you should on yourself or when others should on you, punishment is involved. When you say, “I should have gone to the gym today,” you’re wagging an imaginary finger at yourself, blaming yourself for laziness or distractedness or an inability to manage your time.
None of that is productive. If you want to go to the gym each day, shoulding on yourself isn’t the way to get it done. Lay out your workout clothes the night before, set your alarm a little early and go to the gym. Whatever you’re shoulding on yourself about, focus on the solution, implement it and move on.
Ahhhhhhh…adulting is fun!
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How do you react when there’s a big problem in your family or at work? You know, the kind where it’s the only topic of conversation and everyone focuses on what’s wrong…the injustice…the unfairness.
In the power and swirl of a big problem, it feels like you’re getting something done by talking about it with others. In reality, all you’re doing is training your brain to be more negative and notice the negative. This is not my opinion – this is backed by neuroscience and research into neuroplasticity.
When the conversation around you is focused on the negative aspects of a situation, find ways to focus it on the possibilities the problem highlights. Focusing on the solution trains your brain to be more positive and focus on solutions, leading to more success!
How do you feel about a liar?
What if I told you that most of the time, someone who lies to you has decent motives for it – would you feel better about that person?
Think about a time in your life when you told a lie – didn’t you do it to make the other person feel better than they would have felt if you’d told the truth? Or maybe you did it because, in that moment, you were feeling a little insecure and wanted to feel better about yourself? Or maybe you told the story the way you wish it had happened, not how it actually happened.
When people lie to you, there’s usually no malice behind their lie – there’s concern for how you’ll feel, a desire to have done better or concern for how they’ll be perceived. Instead of being angry, try being compassionate instead. You’ll feel better, and the relationship will be better, too.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a fixer? Like everyone turns to you to fix their problems or the problems happening around you?
First, congratulations – when people look to you for help, they’re seeing you as a leader and a problem solver. Second, in almost every situation, don’t fix their problems because that’s not your job.
The best help you can offer is to help them sort through the options and fix it themselves. Instead of jumping in to fix things, say to yourself, “I have no control here…give it up…let it go.”
The more it feels like you need to fix something the more you need to let it go.
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When life throws you a speedbump, stop. Take a breath. Consider the possibilities.
When you automatically react, you often make a choice simply because it’s what you’ve done before or what you’ve seen done before. Take a moment to examine the situation, think about what the options are and the likely outcomes of each, and choose the one that feels the best, instead of the one that feels automatic.
Maybe you’ve heard, or even said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Automatically doing something because that’s the way you’ve always done it might not be insane, but it sure does put a plug in creative thinking!
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There are always problems, and leaders deal with them in different ways.
There’s a big difference between seeking the solution and placing blame. When you’re looking for the person to pin a problem on, you’re mired in the problem. When you’re looking for the solution, you’re in a more creative space, mentally – open to options, and being the kind of leader others like to be around.
Placing blame is easy – finding the solution and inspiring your team to bring that solution into reality is mentoring in motion.
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Do you have bad memories from childhood? Most of us have a few and sadly, some of us have a lot of bad childhood memories.
What happened happened – you can’t un-happen it.
You have the choice of either reliving those old stories inside your head, retelling them to others and keeping those bad memories alive, or you could let them fade into the background of your life. Every time you relive the bad things and retell the bad things, you keep them in the forefront of your existence as if they just happened to you – it’s the way your brain is wired.
You can’t change the past – you can rewire your brain. When the bad memory crops up, distract yourself – sing a song if you have to – until it fades into the background.
At first you’ll have to do this a lot – with time and consistent practice, those bad childhood memories will fade away – they’ll stop feeling like the definition of who you are, because they’re not who you are today.
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Own your feelings.
What does that mean? It means to embrace the fact that you feel the way you feel because of you.
You’re not angry because someone cut you off in traffic, you’re angry because you took the action personally.
You’re not hurt because someone didn’t call you when they said they would, you’re hurt because you set an expectation that you couldn’t control.
And you’re not filled with love because the person you’re looking at is perfect, you’re filled with love because you’re choosing to focus on what’s perfect about them.
You are in charge of your feelings and that’s a very powerful understanding, once you get it and put it into practice.
Own your feelings. It feels so good!
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When you feel fear, remember that on the other side of the fear is a dream.
In that moment of fear, ask yourself what you want. If you’re afraid you don’t have enough money, the dream is to have plenty of it. If you’re afraid your partner doesn’t love you anymore, the dream is that your love is as strong as it was when it was brand new.
When you’re afraid, stop and ask yourself what the dream is. Then, instead of focusing on the fear, focus on the dream.
This is hard and takes practice and I promise you, it’ll open up your eyes to endless possibilities.
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Quick – what are you thinking about right this very minute?
My guess is that you were thinking about something that has already happened or something that might happen at some point in the future.
While it’s fun to let your mind time-travel, what are you missing right now? There’s only right now and right now is the only place you can do anything.
Allowing your mind to wander instead of focus leaves you powerless in the present. And powerless isn’t a very successful way to feel. Your power is only right now – focus on now and feel the power!
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Do you beat yourself up with regrets about the past?
Regret is a very mean thing to do to yourself – you’re creating sadness and helplessness and hopelessness inside your brain, which then sets up the chemical state of those emotions inside your body, doing long-term damage to your system.
Think about it – you’re powerless to change the past. When you indulge in regrets you accomplish nothing except to damage your mental and physical wellbeing.
Sure, bad things happen, and sometimes we even did them. Instead of entertaining regrets, when memories visit either distract yourself or find a way to learn and grow from the bad experience.
Your body will thank you for it!
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No one can validate you except you.
As humans, it’s natural for us to want approval from others – as a matter of fact, since the day we were born we’ve been taught to look to others for approval and validation. When you depend on others for your sense of self-worth, though, you give them way too much power over you.
Decide who you are, what’s important to you, and use that as your yardstick for validation. Measure yourself against yourself and either approve of yourself and your efforts or decide how you’ll improve.
It’s your opinion of yourself that matters because that’s the one you have power over.
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Only people who are unhappy are mean to others. Really take that truth in – only people who are unhappy are mean to other people.
People who bully are unhappy.
People who are manipulative are unhappy.
People who are suspicious are unhappy.
When you understand that other peoples’ behavior is about who they are and how they feel about themselves, you’ll free yourself of the need to please everyone.
You can’t please everyone because you can’t fix everyone.
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You know that wonderful feeling you get when you achieve greatness? That feeling when you have a peak experience?
It’s because they don’t happen all the time that they are “peak experiences.”
You can make yourself crazy trying to recreate peak experiences, or you can be happy that it happened and open to even more of them happening in the future.
Those two feelings are completely different – instead of stressing yourself out trying to recreate something, relax, enjoy the fact that it happened and be open to it happening again, or to something even better happening.
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Do you worry about what others think of you, your abilities and your actions?
Sure, we want people to love us and approve of us and appreciate us, and it feels wonderful when they do. As a matter of fact, the approval of others gives us a shot of oxytocin, the hormone that promotes connectedness and a feeling of community.
When you worry about what other people think of you, though, you usually worry that they don’t approve or don’t like you or don’t think you’re competent. When you do that, you cause a cascade of stress hormones to roll through your body, because your brain is reacting to your thoughts.
You can’t know exactly what someone else is thinking, nor can you control their thoughts.
Control yours – when you find yourself worrying about what someone else is thinking, remind yourself that what others think of you is none of your business.
There – doesn’t that feel better?
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Getting angry at team members who make mistakes only teaches them to hide their mistakes.
I’m not telling you to never get angry again – we’re human and have a full range of emotions that we’re supposed to feel and use. It’s good to remember how those emotions feel to others, and how our behavior changes the way others act when they’re around us.
Mistakes are normal – we all make them. When you start to feel angry that someone around you made a mistake, put some mental duct tape over your mouth and think about how you want them to behave, not how you want to behave in that moment.
Get angry and they learn to hide mistakes from you.
Get supportive and use the moment to teach and they learn to trust you.
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In a magazine interview from 1968, genius filmmaker Stanley Kubrik said, “However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
He was talking about life and the transformation of attitudes from childhood into adulthood, and about how we as humans make the choice to either become embittered by life or to recapture the wonder of childhood.
Life throws us a lot of darkness at times – remember that you are your own light source and you have the power to light the way out of even your darkest moments.
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Do you have a team member with a sharp tongue?
Some people don’t understand the power of words to inflict damage so they don’t watch what they say to others.
At your next team meeting, suggest to everyone that if someone hurts their feelings, pretend not to have heard them and calmly ask them to repeat what they just said.
The hurtful words probably won’t be repeated – the culprit will clam up. And if the culprit does repeat herself, it’s an opportunity to coach her on how to be supportive, not snarky, with her co-workers.
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Poet Nick Laird wrote, “Time is how you spend your love.”
It’s interesting, isn’t it, the concept of spending love. Time is a precious, priceless commodity – it is here and then it’s gone, never to return.
We all have a finite amount of time – we don’t know how much – so giving some of our precious time to another is indeed giving them a great gift.
When you give your time to someone, you’re caring about them enough to give up a piece of your life for them. And if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
As you spend time with people today, remember that you are loving them in a very tangible way.
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Did you fail at something today?
Yay…because that means you’re one step closer to getting it right.
Maybe you do this too – I feel dumb when I get something wrong. It feels stressful until I remember to re-frame it for myself.
You can do that, too – remind yourself that you weren’t born knowing everything and that living life is a continuous process of learning, adapting and growing. Celebrate your mistakes and even your failures as the opportunities that they are to be even better.
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Moods are contagious – people can feel them even when no words are spoken.
Our digestive system seems to do a lot more than just process our food. Researchers call it our enteric brain and are still studying what it and our primary brain are communicating about, because they communicate a LOT!
Some scientists hypothesize that what we call a gut reaction is the enteric nervous system picking up clues about the environment and other people and reporting it to the main brain.
So next time you sense what someone is feeling, trust your gut – it’s probably not lying to you!
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When you think about the past, you’re thinking about it now. When you imagine the future, you’re imagining it now. Your brain reacts as if you’re living what it is you’re thinking about.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be your own thought police.
If you’re remembering something that happened and you’re feeling sad or angry or frustrated, your body is filled with adrenaline and cortisol that match and support those feelings. If you’re thinking about something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, your body is filled with serotonin and dopamine that match and support those feelings.
What are you allowing your brain to do to your body right now?
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Your words are powerful. People count on your words to know what you’re feeling, know what they’re supposed to do as aftercare for their pet, know what they’re supposed to do as their job – the list goes on.
Words are powerful, so choose them carefully.
When you hurt someone with words, you can apologize and that might help a little bit but it will never take away the other person’s memory of how the words stung. And when you hurt yourself with your own words or thoughts about yourself, you do twice as much damage.
Your words matter – they are powerful, and like a super-power, they can be used for good or for evil. Use your words for good, especially the words you use for yourself.
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Loss is inevitable. Everything that lives eventually stops living – no exceptions to that have been discovered on Planet Earth yet.
Loss is inevitable, so why does it sometimes feel so personal? “If I’d taken better care of my dog she would have lived longer.” “If I’d remembered to water more often, my peace lily wouldn’t have died.” “If I’d…” – well, you get the idea, right?
We take loss personally, when it’s an inevitable part of living. The best we can hope to do is postpone the loss – we’ll never stop it. When you can see a loss coming, get as philosophical about it as you possibly can.
Because loss is inevitable. Beating yourself up over it is optional.
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Feeling like an imposter today? What does that even mean? I
mposter syndrome crops up for most people at some point in their lives, often when learning something new or doing something that you haven’t done many times. Imposter syndrome often shows up when someone is on the steep leg of the learning curve, and that’s just when they need to give themselves some grace.
When that feeling of not being good enough comes up for you, ask yourself what it is that you’re struggling to learn, and then focus on learning that. Buh-bye imposter syndrome!
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Just because you’re related to them, it doesn’t mean they can run rough-shod all over you.
Do you have a family member who violates your boundaries? Ask yourself, “would I accept this kind of behavior from a client?” If the answer is no, then don’t accept it from a relative either.
Don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you, even if the conversation to make it stop could be difficult. Come up with a way to lovingly help them understand what they’re doing to you. If the roles were reversed, what would your behavior look like to them? Express that and see if you can help them change their ways.
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Do you feel like a compassionate person?
This is a pretty stupid question to ask you, I know – you do what you do from a deep sense of compassion. So when you make a mistake, where does your compassion go? When you have to ask for help, where does your compassion go? When you say words you wish you hadn’t said, where does your compassion go?
You are a compassionate person and you’re also human. Being human, by definition, means sometimes you’re not going to get everything right all the time. It means you do need to ask for help sometimes. And it means that words won’t always come out just the way you mean them.
Remember that you’re a compassionate person. Give yourself compassion, too.
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Resiliency is a muscle you can build.
It’s the ability to adapt to new situations. You’ve done that your whole life. Resiliency is gracefully letting go of the things you can’t control. OK, for most of us, this one is a bit harder, and when you learn to let go you’ll feel the wisdom and peace of it. Resiliency is holding your calm center as the storm swirls around you. Resiliency is remembering to love and respect those around you, as you would hope they would love and respect you. Resiliency is remembering that you can trust yourself to make sound decisions because you’ve made good decisions in the past and can make them again.
Your ability to be resilient is something that’s there and getting stronger with every decision you make. Trust in your resiliency.
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Can you ignore someone’s poor behavior? How about ignoring someone’s annoying behavior?
When you learn to ignore things that ordinarily set you off, you’re learning to create your own inner peace. When you allow someone else’s behavior to dictate yours, you’ve forgotten how to create your own inner peace.
Let other people do what they do – they’re going to do it anyway. Your job is to learn to ignore what has irritated you in the past – you’re not in control of the other person, but you are in control of your own inner peace.
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John W. Gardner was the Secretary of Health Education and Welfare in the 1960’s, and in a speech he said, “No matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you – a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.”
How could not being able to please someone be relaxing?
Because the lesson is that it’s not ever your job to make someone love you. You truly can’t make another person love you – their feelings are their own, just as your feelings are your own. Your work is to be the best person you can be, no matter what others feel about you.
Love yourself – that’s truly all that matters.
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Do you know how strong you are?
You are amazing – even on the days where you don’t feel invincible, you still show up, doing your best. Even on the days where hormones are your enemy, you still show up, doing your best. Even on days where your team isn’t getting along, you still show up, doing your best.
Is your best the same every day? No – some days you’ll have more resources and some days not so much, but you still do your best every day. You are so strong and it’s perfectly human if your strong looks a bit different today than it did yesterday.
You are still amazingly strong.
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Guess what? You can’t know things you don’t know.
Really think about that…you can’t know what you don’t know, so why do you beat yourself up when you don’t know something? We all do it, so don’t feel like you’re alone in this logical contradiction.
You aren’t expected to know everything. You can’t know everything. And when you stop beating yourself up for not knowing, you open yourself up to learning something new.
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Think about the long-term before giving out your phone number or allowing clients to contact you via social media channels.
In the moment, when you want a client to update you on a particular case, it might feel right to give them your cell number. Be sure they’re people who will respect your boundaries in the future, because once they have your number, they have it. Maybe think about getting a second cell number to give out to clients so you don’t end up having to change your personal number because of an intrusive client.
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Whether or not you have children, what you do matters and will matter for generations to come.
Many people believe that the only way to have a say on the future is to populate it with their offspring. That’s one way, but not the only way.
You affect the future with your actions, big and small, and how they touch other lives and hearts. Your caring smile when someone is hurting affects them as only you can affect them.
You are a unique person, with unique knowledge. Your heartbeat echoes across eternity through the way you touch peoples’ hearts.
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You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.
Think about it – some people just like to argue and will pick a fight with you so they have someone to argue with. And some people are really good at picking fights – if you’ve tried and succeeded before in ducking out of their desire for an argument, you can bet they’ll be back with better ammunition the next time.
If someone is confrontational, you don’t even have to respond. Try it – it’s very effective to just put a placid look on your face while they try to lure you into a fight.
If you feel you must say something, make it something soothing. You could say “I hear you and feel your frustration and am happy to have a conversation about this when you’ve calmed down.”
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When we get busy and harried, sometimes we get a little impatient or short-tempered.
If you don’t want your team reacting to your frantic energy, then take the bull by the horns – when you’re feeling busy or like you’re having to scramble just to keep up, much less catch up, stop. Give yourself a couple of moments to reset the mental game.
Yes, you’re busy. And yes, you’re up to the challenge. Things will stay in flow only if you stay in flow, so take a minute and breathe. Remind yourself that you have been busy before and it all worked out fine, and it will this time, too.
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Today, give yourself a huge gift.
Have you considered how contradictory your imposter syndrome is? Other people believe in you, come to you and pay you for your expertise. You don’t think you’re good enough, for some reason, so you’re feeling like an imposter. And you question the judgement of the people who believe in you, instead of questioning your own self-judgement.
When you’re struggling with imposter syndrome it could be useful to stop and make a list of all of the people who believe in you. Name names on that piece of paper. I
f you wouldn’t call them a fool or a liar to their face, why are you doing it inside your head?
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If you’re having issues with your team, do an experiment for one week. This will be tough and will require you to be present and focused on your own behavior.
Here’s the experiment – before you step inside the hospital each day, think about each team member you’ll work with that day. Think about their good qualities only – no negativity allowed – and think about what you respect and love about each one. If it helps, write this down before starting the experiment and then you can read it each day before you go to the hospital.
When you are 100% committed to loving and respecting the best in each team member, that’s what you’ll elicit from them. Go ahead – try this experiment and let me know how it goes
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Want to give yourself a huge hit of oxytocin? No, don’t reach for the syringe and dosing schedule, do something nice for someone.
Called “the helper’s high” doing something nice for others gives you a hit of oxytocin. Maybe you’ll like doing what I like doing – drive-by’s. When running errands, I pay attention to the people around me and call it out. If a woman has a fabulous smile, I tell her she’s winning at smiles today. When a little girl has on sparkly shoes, I tell her she’s winning at shoes.
The smiles I get tell me that they appreciate being noticed, and the feeling that gives me is at least as good at what I gave them. So today, try doing some drive-by’s and let them lift your spirits too.
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Do you love it? Do it…whatever “it” is.
Your work is a calling and can be very rewarding. It can also be very stressful, even on the best days, so it’s important for you to do other things that you love.
Giving yourself a creative or physical or intellectual pursuit to pour yourself into is a wonderful way for you to ease the stress, stretch your abilities and feed your soul.
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Can you ignore someone’s poor behavior? How about ignoring someone’s annoying behavior?
When you learn to ignore things that ordinarily set you off, you’re learning to create your own inner peace. When you allow someone else’s behavior to dictate yours, you’ve forgotten how to create your own inner peace.
Let other people do what they do – they’re going to do it anyway. Your job is to learn to ignore what has irritated you in the past – you’re not in control of the other person, but you are in control of your own inner peace.
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Do you ever question whether you’re in the right profession? That’s fairly common in the veterinary profession, where a childhood dream became a passion and then a career.
It’s normal to take stock in what you’re doing vs. what you dreamed you would be doing. If you find yourself questioning your career path often, it could be time for you to think seriously about what you want to do vs. what you’re doing.
Don’t be afraid to make a different career choice, but don’t make any major changes without serious consideration. Career and life counselors can help you, as can going to your mentors with your concerns.
Your degree is not a life sentence. You’re allowed to change your mind if you want to.
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Think of your hospital team like a wolf pack. You’re all in it together and the survival of the hospital wouldn’t be possible without the contributions of each team member.
Some are needier – think of them as wolf pups. Some, like new hires, are on the steep leg of the learning curve – think of them as the pack’s yearlings.
The dynamics of the pack shift and change from month to month and year to year as the pups and yearlings grow, and yet all contribute to the success of the hospital, even the needy ones. Sometimes there are spats over perceived slights, yet when the dust clears you see that the only thing harmed in the spats were feelings.
Wolf packs are highly social and specialized groupings – your team is, too. Focus on the strengths of your pack and watch it get even stronger.
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Fence off your time off.
Here’s what I mean by that – calendar your time off and respect that boundary. No one can be on call 24/7/365 and that includes you. A major part of mental wellbeing is ensuring that you have down time – time to recharge your batteries, feed your soul, read a good book, soak in a hot bath, go out with friends or just stay in your pajamas for a whole day.
Decide what your work hours are, give it your all at work and fence off your time off – it’s yours and you earned it, deserve it and need it.
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We’re human…no matter how upbeat, no matter how successful, we’ll all have down days and sour moods. Yep, even researchers like me who study how to be happier have gloomy days.
Part of being human is having a full range of emotions, and some of them hit hard and hurt. Our choice and our power is that we don’t have to live with those feelings forever.
Feel them, fix what you have the power to fix, let the rest go, and then find a way to get on with your fabulous life.
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Language matters, especially in stressful times.
A very common phrase in the English language is “commit suicide.” Why might that be problematic? Because it’s judgmental – people commit crimes and suicide is a tragedy, not a criminal act.
Consider “died by suicide” or “killed themselves” instead of “committed suicide.” I hope you never have to deal with it up close and personally - meanwhile, please choose compassionate words.
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Did you know that what you eat for breakfast can affect your mood until lunch?
Yogurt, bananas, nuts, berries and oats all have the power to move your mental attitude up, and so does dark chocolate, fatty fish and coffee.
You don’t have to eat them all every day – just remember to add one or two of them to your meals for a natural mood lift.
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The older I get the more I understand the value of grey hair.
Grey hair means you’ve fought a lot of battles and triumphed through them all. Grey hair means you’ve come to understand that some things are important and some things just feel important. Grey hair means you have seen the world change in profound ways and have the life experience to put those changes into perspective instead of fearing them.
If you have grey hair (whether you dye it or not) celebrate the experience and wisdom it symbolizes. If you don’t have grey hair yet, recognize the value, perspective, and balance that the people who do have it can offer you.
Either way, celebrate the grey!
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Sometimes it’s really tough to ask for help.
Maybe you’re having to ask the same question you’ve asked before. Maybe the person you need help from intimidates you a little bit. Maybe you feel like you should be able to handle everything and shouldn’t have to ask for help.
Ask anyway.
When you allow someone else to guide you through a situation, you open yourself up to other ways of doing things and sometimes even other ways of thinking. You signal to the person you asked that you trust them and value their opinion, and that you’re coachable and teachable. And you let someone else help you out of the corner you feel boxed into by your lack of knowledge.
And you learn. And it’s all good!
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Did someone say something hurtful about you? Maybe it was to your face, maybe behind your back or maybe it was the most cowardly version, a social media post. They shot a proverbial arrow and it hit you hard.
You have a choice in what you do. You can embrace the wound, show it to everyone you know, talk about it to anyone who’ll listen – and by doing that, you enlarge that wound and don’t let it heal.
Instead you can take the other choice – stick a band-aid on it and move on. Don’t give it any of your mental energy, your time or your emotions. Let it go. Let.It.Go!
What was said may have had your name attached to it but it wasn’t about you. Hurt people hurt people – that incident was about them, not you. Smack a band-aid on that wound and move on with your fabulous life.
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Has life just thrown you a huge curve ball?
I’ll never forget how hurt, and how frightened I was the night I found out my 30-year marriage was over, and it felt like the fear and pain might last forever.
Of course it didn’t, and it won’t for you either. Lean on your friends and let them remind you that smiling and laughing is still part of who you are. Make plans and keep them. Change up your routines, think about doing things that you didn’t think you could do before the curve ball landed in your life…and then do them!
Getting through a major shift in life is a mental game, and you are one of the smartest people I know. I promise you, nothing lasts forever and you’re not alone. You’ve got this, whatever your “this” is.
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For a minute, think about your life like it’s a map in the mall. You know the one – all the stores laid out before you, with a little red “you are here” mark so you can orient yourself.
You don’t judge that little red mark, or chastise it for being in the wrong place. You simply make a mental note of where you are in relation to the store you want and then you take the steps necessary to get to that store.
In your life, you are here – you are where you are and how you got there doesn’t matter. You are here – where do you want to go? Plan your life just like you’d plan your mall outing – observe where you are and take the steps necessary to get to where you want to go.
Don’t judge yourself or chastise yourself – you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, going to where you want to go, and it’s all good and getting better.
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What is the definition of optimism? Oxford’s online dictionary says it’s hopefulness about the successful outcome of something. My mom said it’s knowing how to find the silver lining in even the darkest clouds. Some days it feels like optimism is the definition of lunacy!
In day-to-day life, optimism is continuously reminding yourself to give even difficult people the benefit of the doubt, looking for the best interpretation of something that stung a little bit and reminding yourself that so far in your life, you’ve made it through 100% of the problems you’ve faced, and the most difficult ones helped you learn and grow as a person.
Optimism is the life jacket you wear all the time and will save you in difficult times.
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Want to have a great day today and another one tomorrow? Want a whole string of great days? Start each day with the intention of loving everyone you deal with.
Everyone.
Some people are tough to love, for sure – for those people, stay out of the details of who they are and remind yourself that they’re just doing the best they can do in the moment. Love them anyway, and before you know it, the best they can do in the moment will probably start getting better.
At our core, we’re all creatures of love – we want to love and have had it trained out of us. Remember that you are love and you can choose to love even the most unlovable person.
You’re human, too, so you may have to remind yourself more than just once a day, and that’s ok. Just love – that takes care of so much.
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Has your day been challenging so far? Do you feel like, no matter what you do, it’s going to turn out wrong? Can you give yourself about one minute for an attitude adjustment?
When it feels like everything is a struggle, it’s easy to fall into the mindset that everything’s going to be a struggle going forward, and that is something you have control over.
When you give yourself one minute to reframe and refocus, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to create a better outcome. Stop focusing on what’s gone wrong so far today – it’s done, it’s in the past and you have no power to change it.
Focus on right now and the very next thing on your schedule. Really focus. And breathe. Inhale your talent, exhale your stress. Remind yourself that you’re in control of only you – and that’s great news!
Now, go take on your next thing, free of the angst of today’s earlier challenges.
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If you have a staff that squabbles often, that’s bad for your mental wellbeing. It makes you not want to walk through those doors in the morning, especially if settling the squabbles falls on your shoulders.
Try this – create a Word document with every staffer’s name on it, in a column with as much space between the names as possible. Print a copy of the list for each person on the team. At your next all-hands meeting or lunch, hand them out and tell everyone to write one nice thing about every person on the sheet – using their non-dominant hand. You collect the sheets and create gift bags – one for each team member – with the nice things people wrote about them in the bag.
Ahhhhhh…hurt feelings eased, at least for a while.
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Unless you have very thick skin, let someone else in your hospital be in charge of social media posts and reviews.
People post things without thinking about the fact that there are living, breathing, feeling human beings who worked with them to help their pet. They just get a bee in their bee-hind about something and vent, because it’s what they do. Then their friends, in a misguided show of support and friendship, pile on.
Don’t look. Don’t participate.
Let your hospital manager or other trusted team member be the person who posts proactively and responds appropriately to posts. And ask them to share the good ones with you – you deserve to read how awesome you are!
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Give yourself the gift of comfort while you work. Place padded mats or padded rugs in areas where you stand for long periods of time. Purchase and use an ergonomically correct and comfortable chair for your office.
These things may sound frivolous and they’re not – they’re the tools you need to do your job well. You need a good surgery table to perform surgery, and a good x-ray machine to take good x-rays. You need a well-stocked pharmacy to treat patients with many different ailments. And you need tools to keep you comfortable as you do the very physical job of being a veterinarian.
Give yourself what your body needs so you can do your best work.
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Have you added a virtual component to your hospital’s offerings yet?
Offering follow-up and triaging appointments virtually is a convenient way to work more patients in without having to extend the length of your hospital hours. An experienced technician can virtually assess healing of a surgery site or wound, can reassure a nervous and inexperienced owner with a video triage of symptoms to assess whether the pet needs to be seen or not, and all of this makes your clients feel more connected and cared for.
And when they feel good, they treat you and your staff better!
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Communication is the backbone to successful teams and successful businesses.
When communication is clear, complete and plentiful, misunderstandings are far less likely to happen. When you and your team members talk to each other as equals, with respect for what each person brings to the success of the hospital, turnover drops. When you and your clients talk to each other as team members in the care of their pet, referrals happen.
And when your internal voice reminds you how good you are at veterinary medicine and leading a team, you and the hospital thrive.
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It’s probably not about you. Don’t make it about you inside your mind.
When someone tees off on you, no matter what the topic, what they’re saying to you at the most basic level is that they’re having a bad day and taking it out on you.
Don’t respond right away, and maybe not at all. And don’t take it personally.
They’re going to vent, so let them get it out. Keep a placid look on your face and pretend your lips have super glue on them. When they stop, they’ll either stomp out or look at you for a response. If you have something soothing you can say honestly, say it. If you’re their supervisor, tell them the two of you will talk privately once they’ve cooled down.
And then get on with your day, secure in the knowledge that the tirade was about them, not you.
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When was the last time you read a book that challenged your beliefs or expanded your knowledge?
If it’s been since you were in school, time to hit the books! Expand your mind – learn new things, explore cultures and places, and challenge what you think you know, all from the comfort of your home.
Read for ten or 15 minutes each day. Those who don’t read are no better off than those who can’t read.
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How do you react when something gives you bad vibes? Do you forge on anyway, try to rationalize why your intuition is wrong or do you pay attention to the internal nudge and move away from the situation?
Bad vibes, also known as a gut reaction, is your internal wisdom trying to keep you out of danger. There's science behind it - too much to go into here, but trust me. And trust your gut reactions – when you feel one, ask yourself why your body is giving you a warning. Heed the warning instead of explaining it away or just plowing ahead.
Trust the very intricate systems that work to keep you safe in the world.
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Oh, the sweet savoring of revenge…not!
It’s very human to think about how you can get back at someone who’s done you wrong, and it’s detrimental to your mental wellbeing when you focus on revenge. You survived, you saw a side of them that you now know exists, and you’ll move forward with more awareness of their character. Act accordingly, now that you understand them a bit better.
Don’t stoop to their level and don’t let their bad behavior spoil your day, week, month or life.
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Have you ever wondered about how someone can believe something, and you believe the opposite, and neither of you can sway the opinion of the other?
Since everyone leads a different life with different experiences, we all have different beliefs, and each person’s brain looks for evidence to support those beliefs. Once enough evidence has piled up, beliefs become almost unshakable.
So next time someone tries to convince you that what they believe is the only right way to think, smile sweetly and remember – their reality is theirs, yours is yours and maybe it’s time to change the subject.
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Do you work with someone who infuriates you?
Maybe they make the same mistake over and over again, or maybe they are a close-talker or maybe they play on their phone instead of pro-actively getting things done.
No matter what it is they do, you’re the one who’s getting upset, and you’re blaming that person for making you upset. Instead of getting upset, if you maintain your composure you have the opportunity to teach them how to do better.
People often shut down when faced with an angry person, and people often open up when faced with a helpful one. Instead of getting mad, get philosophical – consider that they’re doing the best they can in this moment, and what could you do to help them do better?
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The world has been weird for a while, hasn’t it? And when uncertainty happens, people tend to get weird, too.
Research at the University of California Riverside found that the stress of uncertainty is worst at the beginning of an uncertain time, eases up as time goes on, and then worsens as a conclusion nears. Are we near a conclusion? Who knows?
Humans would rather have bad news than have uncertainty, and many people are feeling much more anxious than normal. When you can be the calm center in a storm of uncertainty, your family, friends and co-workers will feel calmer, too.
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Every now and then, most people question whether or not they are in the right place in their lives.
The right place might be a relationship, a town or a career. Think about your “right place” – does it feel right to you or do you feel like something else might suit you better?
Before you make any major decisions, think about what you can and can’t control about you and your “right place.” Can you make mental tweaks in your attitude to make things feel better? If so, start there and have fun with creating a more right “right place.
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Did you make a mistake today?
Good.
Did you feel any pain today, either physical or mental?
Good.
Did you work through a tough situation and bring it to a satisfying conclusion?
Good.
Whether you’re messing up, hurting or handling a problem, you’re human and you’re alive. And as long as you’re human and you’re alive, you have the opportunity to learn, grow and flourish.
Challenges make you stronger, and are part of the human condition. Embrace the growth opportunity, knowing they come with the territory and keep life interesting.
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Do you feel stuck right now?
Maybe there’s something you want to do and you can’t see a way to do it? It’s easy to ruminate on the “how” instead of imagine the “why.” When you find yourself feeling stressed out about how you’re going to accomplish something, stop.
Think about why that thing needs to be done and why you are the one who should do it. Once you’ve sorted those two avenues out, if you think it still needs to be done and you are the one to do it, then imagine how you’ll feel once it’s done. Will you be proud? Brave? Smart?
Savor the feeling and go over in your mind what is changed and improved now that the thing is done. As you imagine the accomplishment, complete with the good feelings that go with it, the way to do it may pop into your mind because you’ve opened yourself to possibilities, just by doing this exercise.
There – not stuck anymore!
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Are there people who just suck the life out of you? They need more from you than you have to give, or they don’t value the time the constantly want from you?
Time to set a boundary with those people.
Because every situation is unique, every boundary is unique. Get creative on how you can only give this person the resources – and yes, your time is a resource! – that you want to give them. If they call or text you multiple times through the day, set up a quick response you can send – maybe something like “I’ll get back to you later today.” Keep it bland and impersonal and use it every time an unwanted intrusion arrives.
At first you may feel guilty, and the person may very well get mad. If they do, they’re clearly showing you that your boundary is appropriate.
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Do you know your purpose in life?
We’re raised to be goal-oriented and success-oriented and driven to achieve, and yet that has nothing to do with our purpose.
Our purpose is to help and to love. Our purpose is to smile at a stranger, carry grocery bags for someone on crutches, save a stray dog, listen deeply to a friend in pain. Our purpose is to love and to soothe and to lend a hand to someone who needs what we have to give in the moment. Our purpose isn’t one big accomplishment – it’s the hundreds of small accomplishments we hand out daily without even thinking about them or remembering we did them.
You fulfill your purpose in life in tiny ways every day. Starting today, notice all the ways you fulfill your purpose..
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Do you know someone who harms themselves?
Maybe a friend or co-worker has an eating disorder or cuts themselves, or cuts themselves down all the time. People who do harm to themselves are in need of professional help, and you can help them, too.
When your friend or co-worker expresses their problem – the anorexic skips lunch and has black coffee when you go out to lunch, or the cutter accidently flashes their scars, or the person who’s always down on themselves starts talking about how worthless they are, one phrase can sweetly get their attention: “I wish you loved yourself as much as I love you.”
If the word love feels too strong for you, substitute “cared about” instead. It won’t cure their problem – it will make them think, and maybe get help.
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Have you ever suffered a big loss?
Maybe it was the loss of a job, a relationship or the loss of a loved one. In the wake of major losses, we first feel unable to find happiness, and then with time, we may trip over something that makes us laugh or feel light-hearted. In that moment, guilt may crop up – a feeling that, because of the loss we’re not supposed to feel happy.
Tell the guilt to take a hike – sadness isn’t meant to be our lot in life.
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Are you feeling insignificant?
Many people feel like what they do and who they are doesn’t matter, and that they’re not making a difference in this world.
As humans, we take our strengths for granted because they come easily to us. We assume that others are at least as good, and probably better than we are at the things we do well. You are one of a kind and your talents and skills are unique and valuable. The world is a better place because you’re here, and will continue to get better because of your talents, humor and heart.
Thank you!
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What you do is hard.
Your patients can’t give you feedback in your language, only in theirs. Your clients may not be great observers or reporters of what’s going on. Test results may or may not give you the entire picture.
You take all of the information you can gather, including observations on physical exam, and come to a conclusion, complete with treatment plan.
Once you’ve done that, you have done the BEST you could do with the information you had at hand. Don’t second-guess yourself or obsess over whether you should have done something different. You did the best you could do with the information you had and that’s all anyone can do. And it’s way more than most people could do for that patient – you’re the hero of this story, not the villain or an imposter.
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Your power is now. Only now.
It doesn’t matter what wonderful or awful things are in your past and it doesn’t matter what fabulousness is in your future – you have no power in the past or in the future.
Your only power is right now.
What action will you take? What thought will you think? What decision will you make?
You can’t do any of those things yesterday or tomorrow – everything is right now, and right now is where your power is. And you are so powerful!
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How do you feel when someone doesn’t like you?
Do you try to help them understand who you really are? Do you do things to try to curry favor or help them see what a good person you are?
Just like you weren’t put on this earth to like every other person on the planet, sometimes people just aren’t going to like you. It’s part of the human experience and it has nothing to do with you.
A really powerful phrase to remember is “what other people think of me is none of my business.” Focus on those who value you, not those who can’t see who you are.
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If you’re not the owner of the hospital, perhaps you feel a bit of pressure to sell things like special shampoos, over-the-counter supplements, dog food and whatever else your hospital offers. Remember – you are NOT the salesperson.
You are the doctor of veterinary medicine and as such, you understand the importance of proper nutrition, support from specific supplements and how using the right shampoo can literally change a pet’s life.
Be comfortable recommending the products and services your patients need – when you see yourself as advocating for your patients, that uncomfortable sales-y feeling goes away.
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Are you a confident person? Just what is confidence, anyway?
Confidence is a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something, according to Merriam-Webster.
Confidence tends to grow with age, because we gain more perspective about whether we can do something well and about whether it’s even ours to fix or not! When you trust your ability to learn new things, you gain confidence. When you practice something, you gain confidence.
Being confident doesn’t mean walking around with your chest stuck out, feeling better than others. Being confident means you are the quiet master of your day, no matter what it throws at you.
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Do you feel inadequate when you don’t know the answer to a question?
Many people, especially people who aim to be high achievers, hold themselves to impossible standards and then beat themselves up when they fall short of those impossible standards.
Did I mention that the standards are impossible?
It’s not possible to know the answer to every single question – what is possible and admirable and sets a great example for everyone who sees you do it is to say something like, “I’m not sure – let’s look it up together and then we’ll both know!”
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You’re smart. You got into vet school, got through vet school, passed your state exam and now you’re practicing medicine on your furry, feathered, finny or whatever-outer-coating patients in your hospital.
The continuing education requirement is something you have to stay focused on so you don’t have to cram two years of CE requirements into a two-week period just to stay licensed.
All of your schooling taught you how to learn – the most successful veterinarians continue to focus on learning all the time, not just at license renewal time.
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Have you ever heard the phrase “it takes two to tango?” Well, it takes two to argue, as well.
When you find yourself having to deal with an angry client, give them plenty of time to vent. Let them pour out their irritation until they have nothing else to say. When they’re quiet, maybe even take a breath before you start to reply. Then speak in a quiet, even, as-gentle-as-you-can-manage tone of voice.
Even if they’re the biggest south end of a northbound mule, respond the way YOU want to behave, not the way they want or expect you to behave.
It takes two people to argue – when you chose not to be one of them, then an argument can’t happen.
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Losing a patient is hard, especially when it seems like the treatment plan was right, the owners were compliant and the pet died anyway.
Because pet life spans are so much shorter than human life spans, veterinarians deal with patient loss a lot more often than human doctors do. Here’s the immutable fact – everything that’s alive dies.
Everything.
And in spite of your very best efforts, you can’t change that fact. It’s tough to lose a patient, tough to experience the client’s pain in that loss, and it’s vital that you find a way to quickly process the loss.
What-if-ing yourself creates more pain inside you, not less. You did your best. You did. That’s who you are. Your clients and your patients are lucky to have you in their lives.
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What do you love to do outside of your career? Another way to ask that question – what is your hobby? Hiking with your dog? Golf? Travel? Whatever feeds your soul, do it.
When looking at your weekly calendar you should see your hobby reflected there somehow. Block out time for your hobby and don’t let work or other obligations continually crowd out your hobby.
Mental wellbeing is necessary in order for you to give your best to your patients, clients and co-workers and your hobby gives you a much-needed outlet for built-up stress.
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How does it make you feel when a client tells you what they read on the internet?
Obviously, how you feel is at least a little bit driven by what they say – “I saw this – is it true” is very different than “here’s what the problem is – I’m not paying for tests or a physical exam, just give me the drugs they talk about in this blog post.”
Know that, whether they tell you or not, your clients are probably web-surfing for information about their pet. Remember, they chose to come to you – be happy that they care enough about their pet to take the extra and very necessary step of seeing a veterinarian.
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Do you sometimes find it hard to prioritize your non-appointment tasks?
It may help to think about how those tasks impact your clients – you know, the people whose money keeps the hospital running. Tasks that inform a client about test results is probably more important than re-organizing your desktop for efficiency.
Yes, that’s important, but keeping a client informed is key to keeping them satisfied and coming back.
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What is the ailment you see most commonly in your veterinary practice?
No matter what it is, study it, stay up to date on the latest research about it and be a great resource for your clients and staff on that ailment.
Be as good as you can possibly be when it comes to the most common problem that walks in your hospital door – the confidence that creates in your clients, your staff and yourself will set you all up for success.
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Have you ever heard the phrase – or maybe read the book – Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow?
You’ve wanted to be a veterinarian for most of your life. You’ve worked hard, sacrificed a lot and spent a lot to become a veterinarian. Focus on being the best veterinarian you can possibly be. Don’t stress about money. Don’t even focus on money, as tough as that piece of advice can be to follow.
Focus on what you’ve wanted – practicing veterinary medicine – and the money will take care of itself.
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Kent Kruse, a VetPartner colleague, suggests...
My advice would be for veterinarians to ignore the recommendations of veterinary management “consultants” not to carry an Accounts Receivable.
It has been well proven that a professionally managed A/R billing service (NOT a 3rd party billing service!) can significantly supplement practice revenue while creating affordability for pet owners who need time to pay for needed veterinary services.
It is well past the time to remove the “Payment is Required at the Time of Service” signs and replace them with “Payment Plans Available” signs!
Thanks, Kent – great food for thought!
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Did you know that you’re an example to the team, and often the “attitude” leader?
Whether you’re the practice-owning veterinarian, an associate vet or a relief vet, the rest of the team often looks to you as the de-facto leader.
Why do you need to care?
Because your attitude affects them more than you know. When you can be intentional about staying calm, centered and businesslike, the rest of the team is more likely to be that way too.
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Take half a day and learn about you. Sign up for personality tests, find your core strengths, then shape your future accordingly.
Thanks, Dr. Cooney – veterinarians spend so much time caring for patients, clients and staff they often forget to focus on their needs and their future!
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Are you tilting at windmills, you Don Quixote you?
If it’s been a while since you read that book – or at least the Cliff’s Notes – that means that you’re battling imaginary foes or wasting your time and energy on unimportant tasks.
It’s easy to get side-tracked by hospital drama when your energy would be better spent on client communication, for example. Healthy teams focus on doing mission-critical tasks instead of bickering with each other or engaging in clique-ishness.
Focus on the important things and leave windmill-tilting to misguided knights.
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Every job has its stresses. Don’t let the hard days steal your joy. Remember your why!
Why you wanted to be a veterinarian in the first place – why you worked tirelessly, studied tirelessly and maybe even celebrated tirelessly when you passed your state licensing exam.
Hold onto those feelings when a hard day hits.
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What do you think about on the way home from the hospital? Are you focused on the drive or ruminating over the day’s challenges? Are you beating yourself up over a decision you made or anticipating a lovely evening?
You’re in charge of where your mind goes – at the end of your workday, direct your thoughts to what you’re looking forward to instead of where you’ve already been. Even if it’s just looking forward to changing out of scrubs and into sweats, find the pleasure in that thought and think it on your way home to help you decompress.
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Today’s Tiny Bite of wellbeing wisdom is from Dr. Zack Bissell, who practices in Jacksonville, FL at Coastal Veterinary Hospital.
Dr. Bissell’s advice for other veterinarians is to trust your gut when working up a case and never be afraid to ask for help. On his team are veterinarians with 10 to 20 years of practicing veterinary medicine and they ask each other for advice daily.
Asking for help is one of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence and wellbeing. Thanks, Dr. Bissell!
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Is it more important to you that you win an argument or that you feel good?
Most of life teaches us it’s important to be right, so when spats, arguments or even civilized differences of opinions crop up it’s easy to try to “win” the conversation. Most of the time, everyone loses in that scenario.
It takes two people to argue – if you choose not to be one of them then an argument can’t happen. You're not giving up and you’re not giving in – you’re choosing to listen and not react, which keeps both of you happier. And that’s good for everyone’s wellbeing and success.
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Today’s Tiny Bite of wellbeing wisdom is from Dr. Rebecca Kestle, owner of Cliftwood Animal Hospital in Sandy Springs, GA.
You’re going to make mistakes – don’t beat yourself up about them. Learn from them, and take guidance from more experienced co-workers, regardless of their position. Find a mentor that you like and respect. Be open to input from those who care about you, your career and someone who is willing and able to help you in any way.
Thank you, Dr. Kestle!
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Is your life funny-crazy sometimes?
Sometimes life is absurd – strange things happen that shouldn’t be able to happen, and sometimes you are present enough to see it.
Enjoy the ridiculousness of life…when you’re in the moment, you’ll notice little bits of funny, crazy, ridiculous things. The smile and maybe even laugh that those things cause raises your endorphins for hours afterwards, helping you feel and work better, no matter what life is throwing at you.
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Got a client coming in today that you dread seeing? Maybe they’re difficult, or maybe they’re a close-talker, or maybe they just don’t know when it’s time to leave?
When you know you have to spend time with someone you don’t love spending time with, try this – make up a story about why they are the way they are. Make it a tale of woe, like something bad happened to them in childhood that caused them to be how they are.
Convince yourself that the story is true, because when you do, you’ll feel love and compassion for them instead of irritation or dread.
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Do you try to live up to other peoples’ ideas of who you should be?
If there’s someone in your life who expects you to behave, believe and achieve the way they want you to that’s probably causing you a lot of stress, whether you realize it or not.
So before you jump through a hoop someone else thinks you should jump through, ask yourself if YOU want to jump through that hoop.
You have your own inner knowing of who you were born to be. You know what feels good to you and what doesn’t. You are you – the one and only you on the planet. You do you, and let that other person see and appreciate you for who you are.
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Did someone pop your balloon today? Did your day start off well and then someone did something so bad that you just can’t find your fun self?
Try this – is there anything you can do, right this minute, to make that person take back what they did? Can you fix what they did? Can you erase what they did? No to all of that?
Then your power is in letting it go.
When your brain starts working it like day-old chewing gum, put up that mental stop sign and think of something else. Sing a song if you have to – just stop thinking about whatever it is that you are powerless to change, fix or erase. And get set to get your good day back on track.
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Do you worry a lot?
Seriously, if you worry a lot, what you’re really doing is using your incredible imagination to create something you don’t want. And remember when I told you that your brain can’t tell the difference between reality and the thoughts inside your head? Yep – when you worry you’re creating stress hormones, muscle tightness, and contributing to long-term damage to the cells in your body.
How to stop worrying? When you realize you’re doing it, focus on something good instead. Look around and see what’s good in your right now and focus on that. Take a few deep breaths, admire that thing you’re focused on and feel the tension melt.
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What have you done for yourself today?
Do you have something you do for yourself every morning, like maybe meditate for 15 minutes or read something inspirational or journal for a few minutes? You are worth making an effort for, don’t you think?
And PS – the only correct answer to that question is “yes!”
When you take care of yourself everything else feels easier. If you don’t already do it, starting tomorrow morning, do something for yourself that will set you up to have a great day.
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Do you “what if” yourself?
The weird thing about “what if” is that it doesn’t do anything except make you confused, regretful and if you skipped lunch and are regretting it now, maybe a little bit hungry.
When you “what if” over something you’ve already decided and acted upon, you’re re-living the past inside your head. You have no power in the past – there’s nothing you can do now that will change the outcome of what’s already happened.
Instead of asking yourself “what if” try asking yourself “what now?” Start where you are to move forward and trust that you made the best decision you could make with the information you had. That’s living your life in the now, where all your power is.
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How do you feel when you get up in the morning? Some people are rarin’ to go – some as slow as a slug until the coffee kicks in. Full disclosure - I'm that second one!
If you’re that way too, guess what? You get to choose which way your day will go. As you’re waiting for the coffee to get ready, spend a few minutes in meditation or journaling or both – you’ll set yourself up for success before the first cup of coffee!
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Have you ever heard of box breathing? It’s a controlled way of breathing with specific patterns, and there are a bunch of different patterns.
A study published in the International Journal of Psychophysiology suggests that two minutes of 5-2-7 breathing a day will help you make better decisions. Breathe in for a count of 5, hold for a count of 2, exhale for a count of 7.
Two minutes of that a day will calm you down in that moment and help you make better decisions for the rest of the day.
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Do you sometimes say something you wish you hadn’t said? Words are like arrows – once they’re out, they’re gone and you can’t take them back.
Whether you do it as soon as the words are out or do it later when you’re calmer, it’ll make you feel better if you apologize for saying words that might have hurt someone’s feelings. If other people heard what you said, try to apologize when those other people are there, too.
Sincere apologies make you look strong, not weak, to those who hear them, and they make you feel a lot better too.
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Do you sometimes feel like, no matter what you do, that you’re not making a very big difference in the world? Trust me, you’re wrong about that – here’s what’s really going on.
Our strengths and talents feel very natural and organic to us, so we take them for granted. It’s easy for me to distill brain research into concepts most people can easily grasp, and it’s easy for you to visit with a patient and feel the things that could be wrong with them even though they can’t speak words to you.
You make a difference for your patients, for their owners, for your team, for your family and friends and everyone you touch in life. You matter, because no one else can do what you do with the heart and soul you pour into doing it.
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Do you wish you had more courage?
The more days you live, the more different experiences you have, the more courage you’ll develop. Part of courage is the willingness to try again, the willingness to learn and the willingness to say you’re sorry if your actions hurt someone else.
It takes a lot of courage to be authentic, open and caring – and since you are the definition of a caring person, you’re already more courageous than a lot of people. When you have courage in the small things you’ll trust that you also have courage in the big, sudden scary things too.
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How do you feel when something goes wrong?
When you make a mistake do you kick yourself for failing or give yourself the grace of knowing that you did the best you could do with the information you had, and now you have more information?
I know sometimes lives are at stake when something goes wrong in your hospital and that adds extra pressure. When you remember that you did the best you could with the information you had, it’s easier to allow yourself the space to learn and grow.
And that’s what humans are here to do!
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Do you eat enough food each day? My dogs are sure there's no such thing as “enough food!”
Your brain needs over 300 calories a day just to run your body – more if you want it to do things like make decisions, sing and dance or spay that cat that was dropped off this morning. If you skip breakfast and skimp on lunch, you’re asking your brain to do the impossible – sustain your body while making complex executive decisions and accessing your memory and motor skills all day.
Eat. Eat enough. Eat good, nutritious food, just like you tell your clients to feed your patients the right way. Take care of yourself like you want your patients taken care of – eat enough food.
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Are you having one of those days where it feels like an avalanche of badness is falling on you?
Maybe your day has included stubbing your toe, dripping toothpaste on your last clean scrub top, being late for your first appointment and having your groomer and receptionist arguing and expecting you to referee.
It’s easy to let all those things combine into one big stress ball – stop!
Let go of the things that happened that you can’t change, fix the things you can, and think about the next thing on your plate. Prepare to tackle what’s next and let history rest in peace.
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Are you surrounded by strong people or weak ones?
A great way to discover the answer is to hear how they talk to others. Strong people offer uplifting comments, offer help in a non-condescending way and talk well about their colleagues even when they’re not around. Weak people gossip, tattle-tale and belittle their co-workers.
If you’re the leader, it’s up to you to help the weak people grow stronger. Everyone can grow and change, and if you’re working with people willing to grow, then helping them grow stronger helps strengthen your team too.
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News flash – you’re not perfect. I know you want to be and try to be but you’re not.
No one is perfect. When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up about it, try this – look at your hands and say to yourself – “oh, look…I’m human!!”
Part of being human is to learn and grow, and the only way to learn and grow is to make mistakes. So when you make a mistake, make light of it and move on, secure in the knowledge that you’re just doing what you’re supposed to do.
Are you constantly telling yourself you can’t do something or you’re not something you think you need to be, like smarter or sweeter or something-er?
Add one word - yet.
Adding that one word can remind you that we’re all a work in progress and we have the time and talent to become whatever we want to be.
Yet – three little letters that make a powerful difference in how you view yourself.
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Is there someone on your team you wish was different?
Think about how tough it is to make changes to yourself – how are this year’s New Year’s resolutions doing? If you can’t make yourself behave differently, imagine how tough it’ll be to make someone else change?
If you’re their leader you can help them grow and maybe you can inspire change in them. That only happens if they want to make the change you want them to make, and it takes a lot of diplomacy and tact to get the words just right.
Change how you think about their unwanted behavior – you have total control over that!
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How do you respond when someone criticizes you or wants to argue?
It’s really easy to get defensive or to argue – instead, memorize these words and use them as needed – “thank you for your input – I’ll consider it.”
You have acknowledged that you heard them and have NOT agreed to what they’re saying, just that you’ll consider it. You might consider it garbage, but hey, you still considered it!
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You're the first to know, and the first to benefit, if you choose to subscribe!
The Mind, Body, Soul Sessions podcast is live - a brand new way to create wellbeing and success with a comfy chair, an ear or two and 15 minutes to participate. Here's what you can expect in the weekly episodes:
Mind - a relaxing time to just focus on you as you're lead through a problem/solution for issues you may face daily.
Body - a gentle, intentional, meditative activation of the body's muscles, from the comfort of your chair. Done daily, this activation works to tone and strengthen muscles.
Soul - a meditative time, just for you, each day.
Here's a short sample of the Mind, Body, Soul Sessions - enjoy! If you want to know more, visit https://www.centerforworkplacehappiness.com/mind-body-soul-sessions
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Do you value groupthink on your hospital team or are you open to dissenters?
While it’s tempting to wish for a team that’s always on the same page, people don’t do their best work that way. First, you know how tough it is to get two people to agree on everything – how can you expect your entire team to agree all the time?
Instead, be open to differing ideas and points of view. When your team trusts you enough to disagree with you right to your face, that’s when you know you’ve developed a strong team.
Celebrate differences of opinion – that’s where growth opportunities for everyone come from.
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Are you running on empty? Not enough sleep, that is.
Decades of research can’t be wrong – people who are sleep deprived make poor decisions, and you don’t want to do that, right?
Create a going-to-bed ritual. I stop touching my phone an hour before bedtime, use a white noise machine while I sleep and play 30 minutes of meditative music at a low volume as I fall asleep.
Steal my ritual or create one that works for you – when you do, get set to sleep longer and sounder.
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Did you know that a goal is just an excuse to grow and learn?
What’s really happening when you’re reaching for a goal is that you’re stretching your knowledge and creativity and belief in yourself, and that’s all good!
So go ahead – set a goal. Just remember it’s the journey to the goal that really lights your fire, so enjoy every step along the way.
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Do you have a game on your phone that you like to play?
There’s a connection to playing games where you have to move your finger and make quick decisions as you play and making better decisions in real life.
Give yourself permission to play now and then – actually, give yourself permission to play a game on your phone for about 10 minutes a day. Sharpen those decision-making skills while you have fun!
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Have you ever heard that saying, “go big or go home?” We say it about sporting events a lot, and it’s good advice in your life, too.
Many girl humans are raised to be delicate and feminine and ladylike – bah! Be those when and if you want to be, and be other things too. Have a big, audacious goal and go for it. Have big, loud fun and invite everyone around you to be part of it. Give yourself permission to do that crazy thing you’ve always wanted to do.
When you go big in your imagination and in real life, you live the life you’re designed for. Go big before you’re called home.
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When something is hard, do you give up or do you let go? Those may sound like the same things but there’s a vast difference.
When you give up you usually feel defeated and deflated – you’ve given it your best and you’ve been bested. That’s not a powerful or successful way to feel. Instead, try letting go – say things to yourself like “things have worked out before and this probably will, too” and let it go.
Give it to your deity of choice to take care of and focus your energy on other things. This allows you to leave space for a solution to come to you, and frees your talents up to be used elsewhere.
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Do you ever feel like a situation is hopeless? That’s a bad way to feel, isn’t it?
If you’re feeling stuck in a hopeless situation, it helps to remember that you’re not the only one expected to make it all better. You’re surrounded by people who can and will pitch in, and like magic, the hopeless situation can morph into a success, a better outcome or just a valuable learning opportunity.
Things always work out, even when it feels hopeless to you. And it’s not magic – it’s allowing others to be part of the solution.
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Is there a song with lyrics that inspire you? I love "Follow Your Arrow" by Kacey Musgraves so much I even named a dog after her!
Was there ever a time in your life where you realized that you couldn’t possibly be what everyone wanted you to be? This person wanted you to be one way, another person wanted you to be another way, and so on?
Because you’re a caring person it’s easy to try to be what other people want you to be – just don’t give up who you are at your core, no matter what. Follow your arrow because that’s the only way to live the life you were born to live.
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Are you feeling frumpy today?
Maybe you’re having a bad hair day? Or maybe you feel like you’ve added a few pounds or like the scrub color you’re wearing washes you out.
Here’s something to try – give yourself a compliment. Make it something you can believe, something you know is true about you – got it? Good – now go find a mirror and look yourself in the eyes as you give yourself that compliment a few times in a row.
Reminding yourself of your strengths can banish that frumpy feeling fast!
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Are you looking to others for validation, love and respect? When you get it, it feels great, doesn’t it?
How about when you say something and expect a positive response, but are met with a flat or negative reply? Not so good, right? And then how do you feel? Less than? Hurt? Angry? Defensive? Maybe a little bit of all of that?
Do you know why you feel that way? Because you gave your power away. It’s not anything the other person did, and believe it or not, their reply probably had more to do with the kind of day they were having, not about you at all!
When you feed yourself – when you give yourself positive messages, validation, love and respect – you hold on to your power, and feel great a lot more often!
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What do you deserve? Really think about the things you want in life and then ask yourself, “do I deserve this?”
You might feel like you don’t deserve to reach your dreams – have the house you want, or the partner you want or the children you want – and you would be wrong. You deserve everything your heart can find to want, and more.
You are probably the main person standing in your way to feeling deserving. When you think about what you want and ask “do I deserve this” answer out loud – "Heck Yeah, I do!!!
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Do you have to deal with someone who’s difficult? Maybe angry, defensive, egotistical, greedy – whatever they are, they just suck the life out of you?
Instead of dreading your interactions with them, try this – feel compassion for them. Can you imagine going through life knowing that people don’t like you very much? And believe me, they know!
Think of them as kind of broken, because in a way they are. When you can feel for them instead of against them it helps you feel better. And maybe the interactions with them will go better, too!
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Choices, choices, choices – do you have a tough time making choices?
Do you put off making a choice hoping the “right” choice becomes obvious? Not making a choice is actually a choice – you’re choosing to let the universe or higher power or whoever you’ve given the power to take care of it.
When you make a choice, it’s just a choice for now. You can always make another choice later. Take the pressure off of making choices – it’s all good!
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Do you think you can or worry that you can’t?
When you worry about whether you can do something, it slows you down. Instead of using energy on worry, use it to look up what you need to know to feel more confident. Then you’ll learn, grow and achieve instead of worry.
And that sounds a lot more fun, right?
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Do you ever feel like a chameleon – you know, like you have to change yourself to fit in with those around you?
If you’re working with or living with people you believe you have to hide your true self from, that has to feel really bad, and maybe even scary sometimes.
It might feel hard, but you have to be true to you – don’t trade away your authenticity for the approval of others. Be you – you might be pleasantly surprised by the love and support you’ll find.
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Self-confidence is something a lot of people struggle with – you, too, sometimes?
We are usually much harder on ourselves than on the people in our lives. That’s a habit developed in childhood and it doesn’t serve us well at all – listening to all that negative self-talk in your head guts your self-confidence.
Try this to build yourself back up – once a day, focus on something that you did really well that day or the day before and feel the pride of a task well-done. If you journal, make this part of your journaling routine. If you practice regular affirmations or meditation, make it part of that time.
Focus on success and feel your self-confidence soar.
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Do you ever look at other veterinarians and think they’re so much more together than you are?
You never know what’s going on inside another person’s head, heart and life, though as humans, we like to think we know. We don’t. What looks calm, cool and collected on the outside could be full of conflict and consternation on the inside.
You can admire someone and want to be like them – just beware of comparing yourself to them, because you’re not walking in their Crocs.
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It can be very difficult to create a new habit, no matter how much you want to do it. Check out this idea that could help.
Are you trying to develop a new habit and it’s not happening?
If creating a new habit in your life is hard, make it easier to do by being consistent. If it’ll be a daily habit, do it every day. Weekly habit? Set a reminder on your smart speaker and let her boss you around.
Taking the path of least resistance – you know, making excuses and not doing new thing – is taking the path of no change, no growth and no new habit.
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Drivers can be SO annoying...here's how to not let them get to you.
Do you get irritated at other drivers when you’re driving?
I look out the window and sometimes see the driver in the car beside us yelling and pounding on his steering wheel. Scary!!
Humans take things so personally sometimes – if you get mad at other drivers, you might be thinking things like, “he just cut me off!!” or “they’re so slow that I could walk faster!!”
Usually, what you’re doing is taking the other driver’s actions personally, like they’re out to get you. They’re not – they’re just driving. You’re the one making up a story inside your head that’s making you angry and hurting your attitude and your body. Look around and find something to appreciate or admire and let yourself off the hook. You’ll arrive in a much better mood, I promise.
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The original. The one and only. The irreplacable. Yep - it's all the same person.
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Chances are you're learning something - but does it feed your soul?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Feeling cranky, headachey and otherwise just not great? Could be just a tiny tweak to your day to change all of that.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
What are you expecting? There's power in it.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
There's a special breed of human that often lands in veterinary hospital teams. And they're a problem.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Most people hate change. And if nothing changed, most people would hate that more.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Yeah, that voice. Is it serving you? If you're like most people, the answer is a resounding "no."
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Does it feel like the whole staff is about to snap? Take 5!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Sometimes it can be tough to figure out just what to be grateful for!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Smiles trigger endorphins in the smiler and the smilee(s). [is that really a word?...it is now!]
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Can you do it all? Probably, because you rock like that. Should you, though?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Sometimes self-care feels self-indulgent. And you're worth it!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Having ideas is great - setting intentions takes those ideas to a whole new level.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
What do you and Pavlov's dog have in common? Hint - virtual reality has something to do with it.
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No, not shedding, drooling and slashing claws - they do plenty of things right and you can, too.
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Stressed? Bet you feel it in your neck and shoulders - here's how to fix it there and in one other surprising place.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Happiness leads to success - did you know that research proves that over and over again?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Part of "forgive and forget" is a really valuable skill. The other part is optional.
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Stuff happens - here is a really good brain trick to keep you focused on the solution instead of the problem.
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Decision fatigue is a thing - here's how to deal effectively with your daily decisions.
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Powerless is a bad way to go through the day. Here's how to keep that powerful part of you front and center.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
What does "dress for success" even mean in the world of scrubs?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You may not know a few things about yourself. You will in 69 seconds.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You don't hand back part of your salary, right? Quit disrespecting your time off.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Comparing and contrasting - good when problem-solving, and not so good when pointed at you.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Chaos in the hospital today? Here's a counter-intuitive way to save the day.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Caretakers need love, too - here's an idea or two to consider.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Breaking bad habits is hard...and possible. Here's how.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
There - I said it. Sometimes your exercise routine isn't doing you any good. Here's how to fix that for your physical and mental wellbeing.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
When you're at work, are YOU really there?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Being informed is important - how to find balance instead of marinating in bad news.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
What does success look like to you? Here are a few ideas to help you create your vision so you can achieve your success.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Sometimes wouldn't it be great if a co-worker said exactly what you needed to hear to get through a tough day? Here's how you can be your own great co-worker.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Exercise is necessary to keep our bodies and minds healthy, and you are busybusybusy. Here’s an idea to get a great workout in only ten minutes .
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You know what ticks you off - what makes you happy? Here's a brain game that'll help you have more of what makes you happy.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Neck, shoulders and jaw clenched? The prescription for stress relief could be as simple as a four-letter word.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You've got them - the sads, the mads, the egads. The feels - here's how to deal with a large case of the feels.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
If you're feeling unappreciated today, listen to this podcast now. If have ever felt unappreciated, listen to this podcast now. If you've never felt unappreciated - congrats, and maybe listen to it so you'll understand your co-workers a bit better.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You don't have to load an app - just use one you already have in a very deliberate way and you'll life your spirit and someone else's too!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
And I don't mean "do unto others before they do unto you!" :D Especially when you're feeling down, this one little brain game can lift you right up.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Yes, you're in the business of fixing things - furry, finned or feathered, fixing is your superpower. And also your nemesis at times. Here's how to fix that.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
That inhale/exhale that you never think about could be stressing you out. Here's how to fix that.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
I've done it. You've done it. Pretty much everyone shoulds on themselves - it's a tough habit to break. Here's why and how to quit shoulding on yourself.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Well, drop-kick is one idea. :) Seriously, here's a little help with your cash-flow woes.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Does it feel like life is raining on you today? Here's your virtual umbrella.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
If you're feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, there is a satisfying way to decide.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Hmmmmmm...can something so pretty really have so much power? Spoiler alert - yes!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Do you ever catch yourself thinking thoughts that make you feel baaaaad? Here's my favorite brain tool - easy to use and always with you!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You might not have many slow days (hopefully!) and when you do, here's how to use them to enhance your team's cohesiveness.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
We all can be grumpy at times - here's how to deal with your Grumpy Gus.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Ten...just ten. Only ten. Do you have ten for you?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Crocs, or whatever you wear in the hospital, can help you walk off stress, sometimes even before it starts.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion #crocs
This is so common - asking for help can be tough. Use this mental reminder to makeit much easier!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Check your feelings and if you're in need of a little, magical reminder of who you are, here you are!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Yes, eye-rolls are normal when this topic comes up. And for those who go beyond the rolling to the actual doing, they usually wonder why it took them so long. I double-dog-dare you to try it!!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
You probably have to deliver bad news a lot, and it can wear on you. This one research data point can lift your mood at bad-news time.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
If you're in a bit of a funk, here's a fun way to banish the funk!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Everyone has a friend like this - here's why it's a very good thing for you to have.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Imposter syndrome is real - and really a downer. Use this information any time it kicks in for you.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Working with someone who seems to not like you very much? Try this counter-intuitive tip!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Do you ever feel like stuff you don't want gets on you and won't let go? Be like one of our furry friends!
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
There’s a good question you could ask yourself when it feels like something has gone terribly wrong. Ask yourself this question and consider the possibilities instead of the catastrophies.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Most people leave vacation days on the table. Read that again - time off that has been earned isn't used. Don't be so mean to yourself, OK?
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
Do you feel a little bit sad today - maybe you don't even have a good reason to feel sad, and yet you still do? It's OK - here are some ideas to lift your spirits anytime.
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braingamesforthewin #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #vetlife #evidencebased #vettechs #wellbeing #notonemorevet #theveterinarianschampion
It happens...we come down on ourselves like a ton of bricks. Here's a good mental trick to try!
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