Put simply, People Pleasing is where you put others before yourself, to gain approval and avoid rejection.
People pleasing tendencies were usually set up in childhood. Think of all the messages we were given growing up:
‘Don’t be selfish’ ‘Share nicely’ ‘Be kind’ ‘Where are your manners’
All of these things have conditioned us to believe that putting ourselves first will risk us being rejected by those we love. We have been trained to be polite, and to keep our real opinions hidden.
To stop people pleasing, we need to start prioritising our own bodies and minds. Putting everyone else first can exhaust you and lead to illness. No one else is going to prioritise your health; that’s definitely your job. And if you’ve been neglecting yourself, and chronically putting others first, it’s time to show yourself some love.
You also need to start to reprogramme your thoughts. So, once you’ve identified the key beliefs that are causing your people pleasing (this might be easy, or you might need to dig a bit deeper), you can choose new, empowering beliefs.
For example, if you are scared of saying no in case it makes someone angry, a new belief might be ‘it’s safe for me to say no’.
Assertive communication is key to recovering from people pleasing. Assertive communication is clear, direct and avoids blaming or being defensive. Above all, assertive communication is honest. If you are a people pleaser, it’s time to drop the excuses and start being honest with your opinions and your needs. No one wants to be lied to, and being honest is so liberating because you get to be the real you. You never get caught out if you always speak your truth.
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