Phil and Maude on Successful Relationships: Recent Episodes
Phil and Maude on Successful Relationships
Each week this podcast talks about some aspect of personal relationships. Phil and Maude believe that conflict-free relationships are possible for everyone, and talk about how they achieve that between them.
PHIL: I have been talking about differences a great deal recently, and that is because it seems to me that differences are the source of friction between people, whether it’s what movie to watch or where to live. Maude and …
A Different Approach to Differences in Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Phil and I recently got back from two weeks driving through the parks and scenic roads of southern Utah. It was a transformational journey in several ways. One occurred when we stopped at a roadside attraction, or at least …
Why Being Positive is so Powerful in Relationships and in the World Read More »
PHIL: Several lifetimes ago, I shared a house with about a dozen other people. We had a budget and took turns cooking. There were issues like when to clean, what standard of cleanliness, whether contributions should be income-related, and how …
Base Your Relationships On Connection Not Competition Read More »
PHIL: Feeling seen by someone is a wonderful experience. We (most of us, anyway) cover up our interior self to get along in society, and as a result, lose touch with exactly who we are. To have our desires, uncertainties, …
The Power of Seeing and Being Seen in Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can …
The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships Read More »
PHIL: I respect Maude in two different senses of the word. One is that I have great respect for her abilities, her skills, especially the ones I don’t have. (Perhaps it is only the ones I don’t have; perhaps we …
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is One of the Factors of Peace in Relationships Read More »
PHIL: One challenge in talking about peace is that it is thought of as an absence, a cessation, a lack of activity, as in “the peace of the dead.” I would rather describe it as a state of being. I …
How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Phil and I recently visited with a dear friend at her home for a scrumptious dinner. The dinner wasn’t the only thing that was delectable that evening. We had a powerful experience of our connection. Through the many hours …
Connection is the Heart of Peace-filled Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: The path toward peaceful relationships is not filled with continuous agreement or having the same point of view on all things; at least, it doesn’t always appear to be. More often there are places along the way where you …
How To Deal With The Bumps You Encounter In Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: As I continue on this year’s adventure of spending intimate time with those with whom I have deep relationships, I keep learning more about myself. This has been one of the unexpected and profound realizations as I experience these …
MAUDE: As many of you are aware, I have embarked on an adventure for this next year, birthday to birthday, of spending quality time with each of my closest relationships. (See this previous post.) Doesn’t really matter what we do, …
After last week’s post, There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side, we thought we’d follow up with a few pages from one of our books. It fascinates us that our themes are so steadfast, but at the same …
How to Find Peaceful Solutions Without Giving Anything Up Read More »
MAUDE: I was reading a note from Anna Drabik, one of my favorite relationship writers on Substack, about compromise. We had an exchange on the topic, which led Phil and me to revisit this subject and share what we feel …
There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side Read More »
Maude is away with a friend on one of those adventures she described last week (hence the photo), so I’m here writing solo. The other night, as we were settling in for our evening’s entertainment, I said what I wanted …
For Peaceful Relationships, Share Your Opinions But Don’t Be Opinionated Read More »
I’m coming up on a big birthday, and it has invoked lots of thoughts of what I want to emphasize this coming year of my life. And, no surprise for those of you who know me and follow us, I …
Do You Give Enough Time and Attention to Your Close Relationships? Read More »
MAUDE: Phil and I have been reflecting on snippiness; both being snippy and being related to in a snippy way. The dictionary defines it as: “a manner of speaking or behaving that is curt, abrupt, and often rude or disrespectful. It …
MAUDE: On the path toward peaceful relationships, there are two areas we want to explore today: appreciation and acknowledgment. Both of these can be mighty contributors toward peaceful and loving relating. I was at a birthday party today with a …
How Appreciation and Acknowledgment Open a Path to Peaceful Relationships Read More »
Hi, Phil and Maude here. Every week, we sit down and talk until we hit on a theme and jam on what we can say about it. Sometimes a dialogue best captures the essence of the conversation. PHIL: Mutuality is …
How Does Mutuality Lead to Peaceful Relationships? Read More »
MAUDE: It is the unique quality of each person that can be the strength of a relationship, and yet it is often the great divider. Usually, when we write about uniqueness and its significance to peaceful relating, we discuss how …
It’s Important to Treasure Each Person’s Uniqueness in Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: One of the cornerstones of deep and peaceful relationships is honesty. The ability to practice this within a relationship comes from a level of true acceptance of each other and the consequent trust that develops. This leads to a …
Why Honesty is so Important in Creating Peace in Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: I’ve been thinking a lot about my deep relationships with friends, family, and my partner, Phil. What makes those relationships so full of support for my own personal growth, comfort, wisdom, laughter, and relaxation? What brings me the most …
Why Knowing Your Values is so Important for all Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Our approach to writing about peaceful relationships is that we very much write about how we are rather than saying what you should do. We don’t know what you need to change to get here, but we know what …
The Art of Undefended Love — How to Create Truly Peaceful Relationships Read More »
“O, wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us!” Robert Burns PHIL: Maude met with someone from her past who reminisced about how he remembered her, and this blew Maude’s mind because her recollection …
PHIL: Maude posted a meme on Facebook: “Be loving today – you can be right tomorrow” that generated an unusually enthusiastic response. Why were people so taken with this attitude? Let’s first consider why we like to be right. We …
PHIL: When we talk about peace with people who have not experienced it directly, they conceive of it as an absence. It has long been associated with death—the Latin, “Resquiescat in pace,” or R.I.P., stems from the eighth century. But …
PHIL: It’s time to talk directly about being present. We have mentioned it recently when writing about other topics like listening, paying attention, and hanging out. But what does it involve? I have written elsewhere that we have a verbal …
You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters Read More »
MAUDE: Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost …
How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Peaceful relationships are attractive. Once you have experienced the kind of deep calm and relaxation that such a connection provides, it is natural to want more. Developing these kinds of interactions through the many methods we outline in our …
How Peaceful Relationships Create the Freedom to Be Yourself Read More »
Here’s a conversation we had the other night about why differences aren’t a problem for us. They don’t need to be a problem for you, either. PHIL: Let me try and describe the nature of our relationship. I look at …
Why Differences Don’t Need to Create Problems in Your Relationships Read More »
Maude, with a little assist from Phil, wrote today’s post. Phil and I have, since the very early days of our relationship, set aside a time every evening to be alone with each other. We do many different activities during …
How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Respect. Like many words, it has come to have several meanings. There is deference: you should respect your parents or pay your respects to someone. But in a relationship, it has a different meaning. When we started to talk …
Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships Read More »
When we write these posts, we sit down, talk together, then write separately. This offers you the same subject from two different perspectives with a certain amount of overlap. PHIL: We usually pick what to write about by looking at …
How to Find Joy, Peace and Inner Strength Through Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: It was recently our 20th anniversary of meeting (and a joyous celebration it was!), and Phil and I were talking about the components of our relationship and other deep relationships with friends and family. The flavor of those peaceful …
Why Peaceful Relationships Depend on What You Do and Don’t Do Read More »
MAUDE: Recently, Phil and I and another friend attended a gathering to listen to our government representatives talk about the current situation. It was held a few blocks from where we live, here in Santa Barbara, CA. As we walked …
Why It’s Important to Relate to Community as Well as Individuals Read More »
MAUDE: Phil shared a thought last night: “Why get cross with anyone? You will only have to fix it later. It’s like knocking over a vase of flowers because you don’t like the arrangement. You’ll just have to mop up …
Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: In these challenging and turbulent times, it is important to fill your moments with presence; to be calmly, lovingly present. One of the best ways to do that is through your relationships. Stay connected; put extra attention and effort …
Rely on Relationships to Stay Sane in an Insane World Read More »
PHIL: We were talking about the role of acknowledgment in relationships. At basis, it’s a recognition that the other person exists. You are saying “I see you”, which is incredibly affirming. It’s more than saying “Oh, there you are”; it’s …
Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships Read More »
Here’s a conversation we had that illustrates how you can connect without a negative charge on a topic that could be loaded. PHIL: I think this might be the perfect time to talk about something that happened a few days …
How to Let Conflicts Go Until You Can Talk Without Charge Read More »
MAUDE: Last week, Phil had a big birthday. I had been thinking of how to celebrate him for many months, and had made numerous suggestions to him for grandiose celebrations, parties and trips. He never responded with the least enthusiasm …
Pay Attention – It’s How to Best Support Each Other Read More »
PHIL: It may seem obvious; of course you talk to your partner. But lots of conversations are about the shopping or politics or how bad the traffic was, while there can be a whole interior monologue going on that never …
PHIL: I had an imaginary conversation in my head: “Tell the truth; it’s so much easier than lying.” “But people would say mean, nasty, hurtful things!” “Oh, just tell the truth, but not in a mean, nasty, hurtful way. Instead, …
The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships Read More »
PHIL: We have a peaceful relationship. We don’t quarrel, attack each other or act passive-aggressively. Magic, huh? We do this through trust, acceptance and choosing to live peacefully. Our values are aligned so we can always find a point of …
Let’s Create Peace in the World, One Relationship at a Time Read More »
PHIL: A few days ago, I had the sense that I wasn’t giving you enough attention; that I was wrapped up in myself and my thoughts and resented being disturbed and intruded on. I thought that that’s not a very …
A True Connection Between People Brings Peace and Joy Read More »
When you practice fairness in your relationships, it is transforming. It is a quiet yet powerful type of assurance that acknowledges without words that you are always on the same side, wishing the best for each other, and knowing that it is mutual.
MAUDE: We wrote a post last week about dealing with strong negative or difficult reactions to the decisions, actions and behaviors of others, most particularly those with whom you have deep relationships. We suggested turning inside and looking at your …
How to Avoid Reacting With Blame and Anger in Your Relationships Read More »
This week several things happened that illustrate an important aspect of experiencing peace within relationships. MAUDE: My older son and his wife just purchased a condo in Mammoth. They decided to celebrate that with the family and invited us all …
How to Replace Blame With Honesty in Your Relationships Read More »
Hi, Phil and Maude here. We had a conversation the other evening about a different way to respond to the variance between each of us. We like, recorded it on a phone and, um, kind of cleaned it up a …
A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: One of the many things that happened this week was a visit from a very dear friend, who stayed with us for over a week. This visit was profound, yet simple and easy at the same time. It gave …
How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: We had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations this week; one about desires on my part, and one about the desires of Maude. I don’t want to describe them because they both involved other people, and the point of mentioning …
How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: I want to jam on the idea that all people are different. No one is exactly like anyone else. So in your relationships, especially the close ones, you’re going to run into differences. They’re inevitable. The fact that the …
MAUDE: In our post last week, we wrote about the struggles we have all been going through in the tense situation before this country’s election, the raging wars in the world, climate change, and the overall uncertainty and anxiety caused …
It’s Important to Know You Can Choose Peaceful Relationships Read More »
We share an inner peace that is beyond any of the effects of the changing world we live in. This path of peace never wavers and serves to strengthen our individual struggles. Find and create a Sacred Space for yourself.
Speaking directly doesn’t happen naturally because we all create a persona for the outside world. It’s easy to take that feeling into a relationship, but here’s why that is a bad idea: it’s a limitation on feeling our full self; we cannot sit comfortably at the center of our being.
Today is our wedding anniversary and it brought us to reflect on what we have learned about the potentials of all relationships from the experience of ours. Here are our musings on just that for our blog this week.
Yesterday was The International Day of Peace. It’s a great time to think of what you are doing within your own life to make peace a living reality. Here’s an example of one of our favorite projects: I Declare World …
Peace in a Relationship—How Can it Change the World? Read More »
One of the steps to a peaceful relationship is honesty. When you share honestly with another, you set aside fears and defenses. You can share a bit and when you are accepted and respected, when you feel seen and heard, you dare to open a bit more.
One of the signs of a peaceful relationship is when the element of service to the other person is a core value for that relationship. Learning what this is takes paying attention to the other person, and being open to listen and hear what they might need or want for support.
Every relationship feels entirely different when you are truly present in it. This difference can be recognized by both parties, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you have the experience of each person being present, many of the fears that people bring to relationships dissolve.
The most important element to creating and maintaining peaceful relationships is that both people share peace as a central Core Value. This is not having thoughts of peace in some theoretical sense; it is experiencing peace as a visceral reality.
Most relationships will blossom when they have acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgment as an underpinning. In any relationship, it is important to be accepted for who we are, to be appreciated for who we are, and to be acknowledged for who we are.
The extent to which you have a feeling of support in your relationships will determine your sense of calm, serenity and peace. It consists of both giving and receiving. There is joy in this sense of mutual support.
All too often, people become so used to the contact and connection in their relationships that they start to take them for granted. You stop really noticing the experience of that connection; how it makes you feel, why you treasure it, why it’s so important.
Watch for the dangers we all face every day of succumbing to doubt, loss of hope, or just plain tiredness. Turn to your relationships. Listen to the quiet and strength of hope you can find within yourself and each other.
Speaking your position that has two benefits. The fact of putting it into words makes it much clearer, and the more specific the words are the clearer you can be. And having spoken it, you can start to move past it.
Peaceful relationships can come down to whether or not you speak with respect, love and kindness in your tone of voice and basic attitude, as this kind of communication creates an environment of calm, openness and comfort.
You know the feeling of being at odds with another person? Don't go there in the first place, and if you're in there, get out. Don’t just look at what the other person is doing; look at what you are doing, too. Focus on finding a resolution that works for both of you.
We have a direct experience of a peaceful relationship, we’ve had it since our early days, and it has remained completely consistent. It is so different from our previous relationships that we feel compelled to write about it. Our message is that it exists, therefore it is possible.
Trust comes from openness and sharing, being interested in who the other person is, interacting without being defensive, wishing the best possible outcome for each other, and coming from love, not fear.
When you are in a conflict, stop, center yourself, breathe, and ask yourself what is important here. This pulls you into the present and gives you the opportunity to stop being reactive, and instead, choose a better way to respond.
It is a common belief that conflicts are inevitable even in the most loving of relationships, but when the underlying needs are examined, it is nearly always possible to find a mutual solution.
The sense of loving connection between two people is the heart of every relationship. It is important to take the time to feel and recognize the connection, and to develop the sense of what makes each one precious and unique in its own way.
Why aren’t people totally honest with each other? Maybe they think it will cause strife in the relationship. But strife isn’t the only reason for not being honest; shame is, too. There is something you are uncomfortable sharing, but you need to regard honesty as more important than shame.
When you are in the present with another person, it is a palpable experience. You can strongly feel when someone is actually there with you, just as you can feel when they are not. Share your inner life with the other person for the best possible relationship.
The importance of letting people know you see and appreciate them carries into all encounters. You can make a person’s day just by saying thank you or smiling at them. It doesn’t take much effort and makes a world of difference.
The more you have the experience of peace, the living experience of it, the more you will be attracted to it. It is such an exquisite sensation that it’s very attractive. The more you experience it, the more you know the path to get to that place.
We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give.
One of the things that often causes misunderstandings in relationships is perceived slights. These are small things, but if you are not communicating openly and honestly, these presumed slights may slowly turn into a mountain of accumulated wrongdoings.
There are multiple ways to solve a problem. Once you share the same values with someone, you can deal with decisions and disagreements without generating rancor, and by exploring, you can find a solution that works for both of you.
A close relationship is fundamentally different from others as it is built upon openness and honesty, both in sharing and accepting. This creates trust, which allows you to be more open, which creates more trust, and so on. When you are not actively creating conflict, you can actively create peace.
For an enrichment of your relationships and a more joyous way of being together, ask yourself, “What stops me from embracing differences?” “Why am I rejecting or trying to modify what seems different?” and “What will it take for me to move into trust and acceptance?”
Understanding the quality of uniqueness holds a key for peaceful relating. There is only one of each person. That means that each of you has contributions and insights and ways of being to offer that can only come from you, and the same for each other person.
Your core values affect everything that you do and decide, including how you feel and respond to other people. Having matching or complementary core values with another person is necessary for a peaceful relationship.
For the last few weeks, we have been writing about subtle aspects of peaceful relationships. It is now time to describe the five principles for creating peaceful relationships, of which these subtle aspects are a part. These are: Knowing and …
PHIL: I suggested that we write about the sense of equality between us, but Maude said that she sees equality as a measuring word, a counting up of who has done what, so she doesn’t relate to it, and it’s …
How to Create Peaceful Relationships by Balancing Your Differences Read More »
PHIL: We were talking about why we have a peaceful relationship and came up with the idea of a shared reality. This seems to fit what happens when we talk about us, about how we are. One of us will …
How to Find Your Shared Reality and Create Peaceful Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Recently a dear friend wrote to me describing an experience she was having with the people helping her repair her house after severe rain damage: I have enjoyed deeply spiritual experiences this week with the various tradesmen I have …
How to Make a Better World Through Your Relationships Read More »
What are the threads of a peaceful relationship? They lie in the steadfastness of that connection. In every peaceful relationship, whether a friendship, relation, or a romantic one, there has to be both a feeling that the connection is solid and a lack of any need to question that.
Phil and I hit a bump the other day. It was to do with the allocation of funds, although the subject really isn’t the important part. It was a rough one. That was so unusual that we took a look at it together afterwards, and had this conversation.
Total honesty is a major part of a harmonious relationship. Holding back in the sense of not presenting yourself totally means that you are not quite yourself when you’re with the other person.
Formulating your values and having an ever increasing awareness of what they are gives you a strong tool to move toward inner peace and peace within your relationships. The more you know your values, the easier you will find it to build relationships that bring satisfaction and fulfillment.
If you want peace in the world, and believe it is possible, then the same should be the case in your relationships. Come from a place of mutuality, rather than individuality.
This blog describes the experience of listening to another person with an effortless attention; without any judgment or comments on what is being shared. It is taken in for its deep value, as one heart speaking to another.
It is the season of peace on earth and goodwill to all. We won’t go into where this is falling short; instead, we want to say that good will is not just for the holiday season, so let’s look at what it involves.
Whether it is your lover, your friend or a customer service representative, you can change someone’s day, with the acknowledgment that you see them as a person, and offer acceptance and love. After all, it really comes down to the little things.
Sharing is an important component of harmonious relating. Sometimes we get so busy with the doings of life that we miss the opportunity to let another person know how important they are to us. The feeling that another person is interested in you and values you is deeply meaningful.
Balance is not about equality, it is about being in harmony with another, about recognizing that you are partners working together, not competitors. This is the source of balance in your relationships.
Peace is sometimes regarded as an absence or a state of inertness, like the peace of the dead, but thinking that way obscures that it is an actual experience. Just as you can be in a state of agitation, worry or panic, you can also be in a state of peace.
A relationship without respect is like sand in your salad. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature.
Celebrating differences is a choice. When two people relate to each other in this manner, they become a powerful force for peace in the world. When there is no undercurrent of criticism, you can have an attitude of openness. This is where the feeling of connection comes from.
If you want peace, you have to be peaceful. If you want to spread peace, find peace within yourself. This is a process and takes a conscious dedication to observing and opening yourself to finding the peaceful solution in any given event.
Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. An important way to treat differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away.
In the face of all the dissonance and conflict in our world, it is easy to become despondent and to feel hopeless. We are not powerless! Peace is a real, livable and discernible experience. Every time you respond peacefully, you raise the chances of peace.
The sense of connection between two people is one of those things that we don’t see, but when we look at it, it has a tangible nature. The relationship we have with one person is unique; it is not like the relationship we have with any other person.
Equality means treating another person as a complete human being, and respect is equality in action. When you accept the uniqueness of expression of another, you are showing respect.
This week was our wedding anniversary and it brought us to reflect on what we have learned about the potentials of all relationships from the experience of ours. Here are our musings on just that for our blog this week.
We believe that relationships, deep ones, with family, friends and romantic partners are the arena for the realization of peace. In learning that it is possible to live this way with those we are close to, we become ever more capable of treating the greater group in the same way
Relationships, all relationships, only thrive when you take the time to keep them alive, vital and present. Often, long term relationships with romantic partners, family or friends, get taken for granted, become background to the challenges and daily occurrences we all deal with in life.
You don’t need to feel tension around differences when you are on the same side and both want the best possible outcome. Even when handling bigger issues, know you can find a way to handle things that will make both of you feel right about it.Read more ›
We do well with deep listening and lack of interruptions when consciously working to solve something. And yet in day to day conversations we encounter a different behavior. Not only do we burst into each other’s talking, but we each point out the other is doing it and feel irritated.Read more ›
How do you develop trust in a relationship? Regardless of how another behaves, there is always an important option open to each of us, and that is to be trustworthy. We can bring the behavior of how it is when someone can be trusted into each and every relationship.
Compromise is often touted as an important part of a good relationship, but it is never necessary. You can find a solution or make a decision without either person giving anything up, and this applies in many, many relationships, not just couples.Read more ›
Maude is still away with her friend this week, so I’m writing about relationships. I want to start by describing how humans work and how we got this way. In earlier species, the brain was the receiver of senses and … Why It’s Important to be Aware of Words and Emotions in Your Relationships Read More »
In society, we hide our true selves. We put on our public face; we don’t say how rude that was or where to shove that job. Maybe these social graces are necessary for society to work, or maybe they are just the social norm, but we mostly follow them so we fit in. We were taught this from childhood on, and now it’s second nature. But in a relationship, this doesn’t serve you well. To the extent that you keep a part of yourself private, you reduce trust and intimacy. Read more ›
“Stay in touch!” is a common saying that means more than we realize. There are a number of things that support and strengthen our feeling of connection; physical contact – touch – is an important one. It is very powerful, and its power derives from the sensing, feeling, non-verbal level.Read more ›
Your pleasure is my pleasure, and my pleasure is my own. These two coexist. This helps create our peaceful relationship. It means there is no need to compromise in the sense of giving something up.Read more ›
When you have an initial negative reaction to other people, move closer to an attitude of embracing them as a first response. This is the way of acceptance, non-judgment and the joyful appreciation of what others have to say and how they express it.Read more ›
We are firm believers that we can change the world by spreading peace one relationship at a time. What seems to make a profound difference is the true understanding that we are all unique individuals and at the same time we are all connected in a familial way.Read more ›
Society works by everybody cooperating together, doing different activities and sharing the results. Also, research shows that friends are good for your health. Knowing this engenders a grateful attitude for the uniqueness of each person and creates a willingness to be open and listen more to others.Read more ›
In this week's blog, we asked if you show love and respect in your relationship. These articles cover different aspects of this very important aspect. Read more ›
We have a process of exploring our wants and suggesting alternatives, and in this way, we find a resolution that works for both of us. It works for decision-making, too, when we are not clear on a direction.Read more ›
Experiencing the moments as they present themselves (pun intended!) brings peace and harmony to life and to relationships. This is one of the underlying practices that creates the peaceful harmony we experience.Read more ›
Total acceptance is the defining difference between not just experiencing better relating, but for a living peace that provides deep soul satisfying relationships. This is a radical concept, yet once understood, it can become a very natural way of being with another.
Recognizing someone else’s world is different is how you have a successful relationship. When you realize their life and desires are just as deep and valid as yours, then you realize that trying to change it would be just as unpleasant as if they started telling you what to do.
ChatGPT is a recent software project that is fed huge swaths of writing and (to simplify tremendously) responds based on what it has read. We asked it to “Write a blog on peace in the style of Phil and Maude” and also did the same ourselves.
Notice all that you are grateful for in your intimate relationships: acknowledge it, speak it, feel it. They are the precious things of a life shared: the sound of someone’s voice, their big and small acts of service to you, what you learn from them.
Maude just went away to a women’s retreat, and on return, we talked about how easy a separation like that was; we retain the sense that we remain connected. We don’t feel distance when one of us goes somewhere, at least not as a sense of loss or something missing.
Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which are the most ephemeral, moves through needs, and then to values which rarely change.
We are completely undefended with each other because we both know that neither of us is ever going to attack the other. We are not in competition. There is never any energy emanating from a desire for power or dominance.
Doing is not the opposite of being; doing is activity, and it is when activity ceases that being comes into focus. We need a balance of the two. The problem comes when doing becomes so habitual that we never stop.
The path to contentment is to have the same feelings for others that you want for yourself, which is rather like the Golden Rule. It creates a positive feedback loop: the more content we both are, the more we trust, accept and love each other.
An element that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are fully present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. Feeling connected to another depends on each being present with their core self.
PHIL: We say that the essence of a successful relationship is having similar core values; recognizing that everyone is a unique individual, and joyfully accepting those differences; and a non-confrontational approach to handling differences. There are a number of other …
Three Ways That Help to Create a Peaceful Relationship Read More »
You can move towards the goal of creating peaceful relationships through a firm belief in the possibility and a clear intention to do so, especially with those with whom you share matching core values. You are also able, by working on yourself, to greatly affect the dynamic of any interaction.
At their core, all deep relationships are an opportunity to be real with each other; both with the other person, and with yourself. You get a wonderful feeling from connections that have this as their basis. Equally, you are aware when it is lacking and feel something is missing in the relationship.
We share our direct experience of a peaceful harmonious relationship with the hopes that it will contribute to your participation with us in spreading peace one relationship at a time.
Fill your life with many forms of play mixed into the fabric of your relationships. The more you balance work and play, effort and ease, being and doing, the happier and the more effective you and your relationships will be.
To be truly present you must acknowledge what is and accept what is. The moment you move into wanting something to be different, you are no longer experiencing what is. Any pushing or pulling away is stepping out of the present.
If you’re defended, you can’t get closer than a certain distance from another person. This isn’t a problem in day-to-day interactions with people, but it affects your closer relationships. But how can you remain undefended if your partner criticizes you or makes unreasonable demands on you?
PHIL: A dear friend has been badly shaken by the loss of her cat of 15 years. I had a cat called Bert who died unexpectedly, and I was in grief for months. This is something I have heard time …
What Important Secrets Can We Learn From Animals About Relationships? Read More »
PHIL: The phrase “belief and intention” is a good description of how we relate. We believe a harmonious relationship is possible, and intend to have one. Our belief comes from various sources. Primarily, we have the experience of a harmonious …
How We Create Peace in Our Relationship by Intending To Do So Read More »
We’ve spent many years looking at why we have a peaceful relationship, and one of the things is that we consistently spend time together, not only in activities like writing this blog, but time together without any plan. This is …
How Can You Increase Quality Time in Your Relationship? Read More »
MAUDE: As we write this first blog of the new year, we are posing the question of what goes into a growing fruitful relationship, one where the values of peace and harmony are primary for both parties within the relationship. …
Why It’s Important to Look Beyond Relationship Differences to Your Own Reactions Read More »
As we said last week, our basic theme is sharing ways to create and practice peaceful relating. Here are some inspirations from throughout the ages to help you put that into practice. “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” —Ralph …
So Many Voices Believe in Peace in the World—Why not Add Yours? Read More »
MAUDE: Our basic theme is sharing ways to create and practice peaceful relating. We believe that this is a practice that can change the world. Why do we think this and how it can be accomplished? We recently spent some …
What is Peace in a Relationship and How Can it Change the World? Read More »
It was probably the way we planned for our wedding that first drew our attention to how we interact. Flowers, venue, vows, catering – we made decisions on all of these without clashing. When we looked at how we were …
How You Make Decisions and Find Mutual Solutions is a Pattern for Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: We’ve been talking about how important fairness is in relationships. It is about treating the other person as an equal, even though they are at the same time, different from you. (Here, I am reminded of the Declaration of …
Why Fairness and Trust are So Important to Your Relationships Read More »
We are continuing to work through some complex decisions about wills, trusts and finances, and are some way from reaching a conclusion. We’ve been using our process for this, so it hasn’t generated any conflict between us, even though at …
Why It’s Important to Find the Essence at the Heart of Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: I’m from England, which doesn’t have Thanksgiving, yet I have taken to it as my favorite holiday. I realize that not everybody may have such warm feelings toward it when the crazy uncle, paranoid cousin and gloomy neighbor are … Why it’s Important to Show Gratitude and Give Thanks in Your Relationships Read More »
People get into quarrels over all sorts of things, big and small. They get upset because they feel they’re not going to get what they want; anything from a clean kitchen to another child. They might feel hurt, attacked, insulted, … Why It’s Important To See The Other’s Viewpoint In Your Relationship Read More »
Speak your truth. It may not be good advice at work or in a crowded bar, but with personal relationships, it is the path to a deeper connection and a soul-satisfying peace. Yet, what is speaking one’s truth and how … Why It’s Important to Know Your Truth and Share it in Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: I attend two regular Zoom groups where in the beginning of the session the moderator gives a short recap of the rules for the discussion. Basically, we are reminded that we are just listening, not debating, not fixing, not … How Listening Without Giving Advice is Good For Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: In this world, where division is being fostered and people are being pitted against each other, we often ask what we can do to include peace and the motivation of love into how we relate to others. For us, … How Conscious Intention Can Lead to Peace in Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: Our world is filled with violence, war, and divisive forces striving to drive us apart and to emphasize the differences between us as real and insurmountable. Many people find themselves feeling like they are insignificant against this tidal wave … How Your Relationships Can Be a Dynamic Force for Spreading Peace Read More »
MAUDE: Understanding core values and learning what yours are is foundational to the process we teach for creating peaceful harmonious relationships. We differentiate values from wants and needs on a spectrum of ever-increasing importance. This scale starts with wants which … How to Create Peace in Relationships and Life by Knowing Your Core Values Read More »
PHIL: Use your voice. You have to say it, not just think it. You have to say what you need, not just what you think other people want to hear or what you think will keep you safe. You have … Use Your Voice and Say What You Want and Need in Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: We have been thinking a lot about the importance of play in our lives and in our relationships. We’ve just gotten back from a wonderful road trip, with oodles of time spent relaxing and spontaneously enjoying the sights, smells, … How Being Playful and Just Being Together Affect Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: The heat has been unusually excessive here (yes, climate change) and after a while it leads to everyone feeling a bit cranky. This irritability, something that rarely pops its head up between Phil and me, had us at odds … How You Solve Disagreements in Your Relationships by Looking at Values Read More »
Your attitude, the position you come from in an exchange, can dramatically change the outcome. In all your relationships, the issue of whether you put your attention toward similarities or differences plays a big part in whether those relationships are … How Looking at Similarities Rather Than Differences Improves Your Relationships Read More »
You can’t figure out what’s going on in your relationships unless you are paying attention. Sound obvious? Well, maybe so, yet so few people look closely at their relationship behavior that many unnecessary misunderstandings and feelings of misalignment arise. So, … How Mindfulness Practices Will Help You With Your Relationships Read More »
MAUDE: The other night we were reminiscing and I had a strong memory of an experience that happened early in our relationship. Not only could I see the visuals of this scene, but I felt the emotions and meaning that … Why It’s Important to be Open and Share Yourself in Your Relationships Read More »
The other day we sat down to restart a conversation about planning for the future and financial issues. In the past, when approaching this topic, we had discovered what looked like differences in how we wanted to handle things. So … How to Work Out Solutions for Differing Needs in Your Relationship Read More »
PHIL: When I grasp an idea, it can be like an epiphany. Several of my psychological understandings were like that. The first was reading “I’m OK, You’re OK” as a teenager. It was the first time I learned that we … How Individuality and a Sense of “We” Can Coexist in a Relationship Read More »
PHIL: I wrote this reply to a comment on last week’s blog: I have for some time been fascinated with the idea that language is a recent addition to our understanding of the world and has been so successful that … It’s Important to Look at Your Feelings and Find Words for Them Read More »
Every time we give a course on how to have harmonious peaceful relationships, we start by talking about core values and that always creates lots of conversation. Through our courses, we keep learning about different concerns people have in this … Why it is Important to Learn What Your Core Values Are Read More »
MAUDE: We recently gave a course on creating harmonious peaceful relationships of all kinds, and afterward one of the participants shared a story with us on how she applied the concept of being on the same side to a difficult … How it Helps to Remember You’re on the Same Side in Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Is your relationship a town with unsafe streets, no-go areas and places you might stumble and get hurt? We don’t live there. We simply don’t clash on things. It is totally improbable that we make the same choices time … Why is Balance Important for Peaceful Relationships? Read More »
A central part of experiencing harmony and peace in relationships is understanding core values, knowing what yours are, and seeing that there are matches within your intimate relationships. It is also important to understand the connection between wants, needs and … Why it is Important to Realize the Difference Between Wants, Needs and Values Read More »
PHIL: Listening. We think that if we hear all the words, we are listening, but what happens is that the words fire off all kinds of thoughts in our head – responses, word associations, old feelings – and this can … The Importance of Learning How to Truly Listen in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Maude posted a meme on Facebook: “Be loving today – you can be right tomorrow” that generated an unusually enthusiastic response. Why were people so taken with this attitude? Let’s first consider why we like to be right. We … Be Loving Today – You Can Be Right Tomorrow Read More »
PHIL: Maude and I have taken compromise to mean giving something up in order to get something else – a form of trading that inevitably involves losses – but on a recent course we gave, one participant said “it’s OK … Why a Positive Attitude is Important to Reach a Successful Compromise Read More »
PHIL: A New York Times opinion writer just wrote: I want to normalize significant periods of confusion, exhaustion, grief and unfulfillment in marriage. Tish Harrison Warren She referenced an earlier Times article: We need to swap the Romantic view for … How Hard is it to Have Harmony in Your Relationships? Read More »
MAUDE: There is an incomparable pleasure to be found in seeking and creating mutual solutions. The very act of embarking down a path together where the adventure of mutuality awaits you, brings an experience of your connection to the forefront. … Why Creating Mutual Solutions in Your Relationships Brings Peace and Joy Read More »
PHIL: In society, we hide our true selves. We put on our public face; we don’t say how rude that was or where to shove that job. Maybe these social graces are necessary for society to work, or maybe they … Why it is Important to be Honest and Share Your Truth in Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Does a hydrogen molecule exist? Yes; it’s made of two hydrogen atoms and has an existence over and above its two atoms. A single hydrogen molecule in a room is not the same as two hydrogen atoms at opposite … What are the Characteristics that Create a Sense of Peace in Relationships? Read More »
PHIL: The tensions in a relationship can arise from different wants, needs or values. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a good starting point for thinking about needs. At the lowest level, there is no compromise: food, air and water are … Why Looking at Wants, Needs and Values is so Important for Your Relationship Read More »
You can have a relationship without arguments. That may sound like a fairy-tale to you, but it’s not, because that is the way we live, and you can, too. We still disagree at times over what to do or what … How to Avoid Arguments and Resolve Disagreements in Relationships Read More »
Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring … Why You Need Respect to Have a Happy, Loving Relationship Read More »
Glass half full. Keep on the sunny side. Think positive. Look on the bright side. There is so much advice urging you to accentuate the positive that it has become clichéd and easy to skip past, but let’s explore why … How You Can Improve Your Relationships by Thinking and Acting Positively Read More »
MAUDE: As many of you know, we are offering a course on Transforming Your Relationships. We were recently contacted by someone who wanted to register, but wondered if it would be appropriate. She shared that she is single, although looking … Do You Want to Improve Your Relationships? Work on Yourself First! Read More »
Do you believe that in order to have honest and true relationships that you have to fight and suffer and slog through tons of drama? Do you push and shove at each other, glorifying this way of interacting as the … Why You Don’t Need to Suffer and Struggle in Your Relationships Read More »
Do you want to have relationships full of joy and peace, lacking in fights and arguments? If you do, really do, then it is possible for you to have that experience. Every relationship you have can be permeated by love … How You Can Choose to Have a Better Relationship Now Read More »
PHIL: In our book, individuality and acceptance have different chapters, but as we came to put together a course, we found that the two are so intertwined that we needed to put them together into a single session. So today … How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? Read More »
In the past few weeks we have been writing about peace and how it is a visceral, actual reality to be lived and spread. You can find peace like that in your relationships with other people, whether in an existing … Why it is Important to Set an Intention for Peace in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: There is a strong emphasis on the primacy of the individual in current culture, whether praised for rugged individualism or panned as the “me” generation, but by focusing so intensely on individuals, we pay less attention to the matrix … Spread Peace One Relationship at a Time and Remember That We Are All Connected Read More »
It is more important than ever to be talking about peace now. PHIL: Peace is a central feature of our relationship. Maybe it arises from the way we relate to each other – the individuality and acceptance we have spoken … How to Experience Peace as a Living Reality in Your Relationships Read More »
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” Thich Nhat Hanh All relationships are more fruitful and more harmonious when you can feel the presence of … How Being Creative Helps You Be More Present in Your Relationships Read More »
On the morning we write our blog, we go out to breakfast and examine what has been happening in our relationship lives, and what about that might add some inspiration to how all of you experience your relationships. The goal … How can you improve your relationships through simple physical contact? Read More »
It’s likely you know someone who blames the world for everything. From the disintegration of their fourth marriage to a fender-bender to losing at bridge, nothing is ever their fault. If you want to remain the same, and want to … How Can We Use the Differences in Our Relationships to Inspire Us? Read More »
PHIL: When we started looking at how we get along so well, we saw that we used a method, and we named it Our Process. It’s a way of exchanging positions and feelings that allow us to find a mutual … How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions Read More »
MAUDE: Today while reflecting on what contributes to our peaceful harmonious way of being together, we zeroed in on the way we move through our lives separately within our connectedness. We are well matched in our desire for independent action, … How Does Trust Grow and Support Non-Interference in Your Relationship? Read More »
PHIL: We’ve written before about how to accept the differences between people, especially in a partnership, but a whole other aspect of differences is the pleasure and richness that they offer. As someone we interviewed said, “It would be so … How to Greet the Differences in Your Relationships as Blessings Read More »
Maude was talking with a dear friend who is in a harmonious long term relationship, and was relating an incident that had occurred between her and her husband earlier. It seems that they have their phones synced so that when … Why Sitting on Your Hurt Feelings Only Makes it Worse Read More »
This week, in lieu of our regular post, we have a guest post from Fred Owens. He’s been blogging on various topics for 20 years at Frog Hospital. After reading ours, he decided to turn his pen to relationships. We … A Story of How Good Relationships are Out There for the Taking Read More »
PHIL: Many years ago, when I was squatting in London with a bunch of other people, I wrote a proposal that we should all find a place in the country and move there. I even organized a visit to a … For the New Year, Share Your Loves and Longings in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: I am giving a talk this week on cooperation in society and how it requires both trust and shared intention between people. The intention comes from our shared stories about who we are and what our goals are. The … Every Relationship has Shared Stories at its Heart – What Are Yours? Read More »
A reader emailed us about last week’s blog: “It sounds simple but not easy. I certainly haven’t mastered it yet!” We maintain harmony in our relationship the same way a bike stays in balance when being ridden. It happens with … Why Those Little Differences Needn’t Be a Problem in Your Relationship Read More »
PHIL: The obvious way that you compare things is by looking at how they differ. Which oven is self-cleaning? Does this bank charge overdraft fees? Less obvious is to look at the similarities, because they don’t help you make choices … How Can You See Differences in Your Relationships as Welcome Additions? Read More »
How do you sustain a long-term relationship, whether it is with your partner, friends or family? With a new relationship, there are whole new areas to explore that can take years, but as time accumulates, you tend to feel that … How Do You Keep All Your Long-Term Relationships Vital and Fresh? Read More »
We have been discussing relationship decisions with a few of our friends who are venturing into partnerships, are at the point of “should we live together?”, or are working through some of the complex issues of becoming a couple. We … What Kind of Commitment Do Each of You Want in Your Relationship? Read More »
Each week, we link to some articles that cover the topic of our post. Sometimes they list ways to behave and studies to support their case, but the key difference with our writing is that we draw on our own … Believe in a Peaceful Relationship and Intend to Have One Read More »
PHIL: COVID-19, politics, global warming. Even with these, I’d much rather be alive now than during the Great Plague, yet it’s still very unsettling to realize that in all three areas, life may never return to the way it was. … Why Both Comfort and Novelty are Important for All Your Relationships Read More »
Enlightenment is usually described as a great epiphany. Adyashanti wrote: “people seem to be having moments where they awaken out of their familiar senses of self, and out of their familiar senses of what the world is, into a much … Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? Read More »
Whether you are struggling in a partnership, a familial relationship or a close friendship, the challenge remains the same: how do you care for your individual needs and desires and still manifest cooperation? Our answer to this is always the … How Does Knowing Yourself Help You Find Mutual Solutions In Relationships? Read More »
PHIL: We’re not primarily writing about sex this week, but it’s a useful place to start. What are the odds that you and your sexual partner become aroused at the same time, say 8:00 PM on Friday? If arousal is … Our Relationship is Harmonious Because We Want it to Be That Way Read More »
Last week we celebrated our wedding anniversary by going up to Scotts Valley and visiting the Redwoods. We stayed in a great AirBnB set apart on a lovely big property in the woods and had a wonderful four days. On … Why You Benefit From Both Separation and Connection in Your Relationships Read More »
Each of us has a unique view of the world – our own. Our view includes our bodily sensations, our external senses and our life experience, from upbringing to education. Nobody else can understand completely what it is like to … Why it is Important to Understand Motivations in Our Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Touch a sea anemone in a rock pool and it will close up. With such a long history, it’s not surprising that touch communicates very deep and powerful messages. Of all our senses, it is the only one that … Why Touch Is Such an Important Factor in All Our Relationships Read More »
PHIL: The threefold crises of the pandemic, democratic collapse and global warming feel unprecedented, yet there were also earlier periods when people felt their world was irretrievably upended. From a diary of the time: “There’s no word I can start … Why You Need to Remain Flexible in a Time of Great Change Read More »
PHIL: Nearly every night Maude and I retire early, do the New York Times crossword, read out loud, watch Netflix and generally hang out together. We’ve come to call this time our Sacred Space – a time we spend away … Why You Should Take the Time and Attention to Honor Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Do you know that feeling of satisfaction that comes from working with someone on a project? It might be sweeping leaves or planning an event. Perhaps it’s cooking together or being on a sports team. Working with other people … Remember the Shared Purpose at the Heart of Your Relationship Read More »
PHIL: You’ve heard over and over how bad lying is in your relationship, but telling the truth can be hard. Society operates with social graces, inhibitions and taboos. Two big ones are money and sex: try asking a stranger what … Why You Need to Trust and Speak Your Truth in Relationships Read More »
Are you having disagreements that turn into arguments in your relationships? Are your different ideas about how to do things causing separation and distance between you and your partner, friend, relative? This can be changed! Disagreements come in different degrees. … How Mutual Solutions Help You to Solve Disagreements and Avoid Arguments Read More »
PHIL: We just watched a documentary on fungi and how the mycelium acts as connections, allowing a strong tree to supply nutrients to a weaker tree. Such mutuality is found everywhere. Bees need flowers just as much as flowers need … Support Peace in the World by Expanding Your Circle of Trust Read More »
Maude has been ill this week (though she is recovering well), so I’m taking the opportunity to go all existential on you. Last week, we wrote about Oprah Winfrey concluding that everybody wants to be seen, heard, and know that … Balance Being As Well As Doing For Peace In Your Relationships Read More »
Since early in the pandemic, we have been participating in a weekly zoom gathering where there are live talks on a huge variety of uplifting topics. Occasionally we watch an inspiring video. This week we watched one from Oprah Winfrey … You Honor Your Relationships When You Listen With Your Heart Read More »
What do I want to tell you about relationships? I could rework what other people have written, whether the five love languages or the parent-adult-child model of transactional analysis, but what I truly know is at the level of learned … Total Acceptance From the Heart is How You Create Peace in Your Relationship Read More »
A friend of mine was living with a man who traveled regularly for work. Whenever he returned home, there was a strange disconnect in the air for a day or so. It was only after they separated that she discovered … You Need to Accept Each Other and Look for Values Without Projections Read More »
MAUDE: In all our relationships, it’s important that we support each other, but how we do that is just as essential. When my son was a toddler, my husband and I were walking on the pier with him. He slipped … How Can You Best Be Supportive and Help Other People? Read More »
PHIL: We live in two worlds. One is our life together. Each evening we retire early to watch Netflix, do the New York Times crossword, play word games and chill. We call this our sacred space. Each week we write … How to Honor Both Closeness and Space in Your Relationship Read More »
Some weeks we sit down to write the blog and it just appears in front of us; all we have to do is find the right words. And some weeks, nothing appears; we plumb the depths of our relationship as … Do You Want to Have Peace at the Heart of Your Relationships? Read More »
MAUDE: Phil and I were sharing over dinner the other night and found ourselves discussing what it means to speak your truth, and how you find your way to that truth. I was telling him about some challenges I was … Why it is Important to Speak Your Truth in Relationships Read More »
Santa Barbara has moved into the Yellow Zone. We’re fully vaccinated and in the midst of a lovely and hectic flurry of meeting up with people as we all emerge from the pandemic. It has been wonderful seeing people we … Can We Make All Our Relationships New and Fresh As We Emerge From Lockdown? Read More »
PHIL: Language is an ax that divides the world. Take any word – tree, timidity, travel – and we can say what it does and doesn’t apply to. There will be fuzziness at the edges, but the effect is to … You Need to Honor the Connection at the Heart of all Relationships Read More »
PHIL: Everybody we know seems to be venturing out again. We’re on our second trip since being fully vaccinated, and on the drive we talked about the importance of getaways and why this is so. One reason is the stimulation … Why Making Time for Sacred Space in Your Relationship is so Important Read More »
We live a peaceful, harmonious life together. What makes this possible? Because that is our desire and our intention. We often caution you to remember that you and your partner (the same applies to all intimate relationships) are both on … Why It Is Important To Remember You Are On The Same Side As Your Partner Read More »
Maude was describing our relationship as having an element of peace, a lack of anxiety; of there never being any distance between us; that we could trust that no weird thing would suddenly appear between us, that no Jeckyll and … Make Your Relationship Commitment About Intention, Not Obligation Read More »
We wrote last week about why core values are so important and that when you and your partner want different things, having shared core values usually makes a resolution possible. Sometimes, of course, it’s not a problem at all. Bill … How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution Read More »
What do you do when disagreements arise in a relationship? There will be times when it appears you and your partner are at odds. We get along great, but I don’t do well with the step-kids. I am passionate about … How Important Are Your Wants And Needs Compared To Your Core Values? Read More »
Maude is ill this week, though recovering, I’m glad to say, so it’s down to me to write this week, and I’m going to take a roundabout route to talk about relationships. I grew up in a family that prized … Why It Is Important To Listen To Both Your Head And Your Heart Read More »
People get into quarrels over all sorts of things, big and small. They get upset because they feel they’re not going to get what they want; anything from a clean kitchen to another child. They might feel hurt, attacked, insulted, … It Is Important To See The Other’s Viewpoint In Your Relationship Read More »
Recently, Phil had an experience in a group that he runs that showed us how critical it is to know what our most basic feelings are. An event happened in the group that was presented in a strongly emotional way, … How Coming From Love Rather Than Fear Changes Your Relationships Read More »
We have often discussed core values and how they are critical to any successful relationships: partnerships, friendships, mates. If you understand what your basic and fundamental ones are, your deal breakers, and spend time exploring them, this will become your … What Important Core Values Underlie Your Relationship Wants And Needs? Read More »
PHIL: Maude and I have been together for 16 years; my half-dozen previous relationships lasted no more than three. I described this to Maude on our second date, and she thought to herself that was because I hadn’t met her. … Do You Want a Peaceful Relationship? Yes, You Can Have One! Read More »
PHIL: We have plenty in common, but also plenty of differences. How we connect socially. What we read. What our diets are. Our differences don’t cause us problems, but for many people, they are a perennial battlefield. Maggie Scarf proposed … How To See Your Differences As Assets Rather Than Causing Arguments Read More »
We wrote about the increasing importance of relationships one year into the pandemic and asked people to share how the year was for them. We published some last week, and here, in part 2, are another four peoples’ responses on … How People Are Feeling after a Year of Pandemic, Part 2 Read More »
Last week, we wrote about the increasing importance of relationships one year into the pandemic and this week, people are sharing how the year was for them. We’re grateful to all those who who wrote so intimately. Per Noah Webster, … How Are People Feeling after a Year of Pandemic? Part 1 Read More »
We were in a Zoom meeting yesterday with a writing group talking about how we are feeling at this point in the pandemic and what we have been dealing with personally. It was a very open, warm sharing and everyone … The Increasing Importance of Relationships a Year Into The Pandemic Read More »
Our culture is oriented around the individual. People (including us!) write about how to find yourself. Herbert Hoover famously used the phrase “rugged individualism.” Countless articles advise how to improve ourselves, whether at the gym, the makeup counter, or our … Why is it Important not to Focus on Yourself in Relationships? Read More »
PHIL: We continually ask ourselves how we live so peacefully. We know that we do; the challenge is to turn that knowledge into reasons and words. One of the most fundamental aspects is the sense that we are each completely … Why is it Important not to Focus on Relationship Differences? Read More »
Many of us have created daily routines to deal with these challenging times, developing many new ways to organize our time at home and with each other. For us, we have created a loving peaceful togetherness in the house. We … Why it is Important to Step Out of Your Routine Read More »
PHIL: I want to talk this week about how we perceive the world. That might sound as if it has nothing to do with relationships, but they are an important part of our lives, and I’ll come to them later. … How to Integrate Thoughts and Feelings in Your Life Read More »
MAUDE: When I first came to Santa Barbara, over forty years ago, my husband (at the time) and I had the address of only one person to make contact with. We had been given his address because we shared a … How to Reach Unity When There Appear to be Two Sides Read More »
PHIL: So, another birthday ran into me and Maude deluged me with cards, in one of which she wrote, “This becomes our only task – live every day, every moment, for all it is, and be all we can be … Why Equality is so Important in a Relationship Read More »
PHIL: So, it’s been quite a week. It’s Friday as we write, impeachment and the 25th Amendment are hanging in the air, and we have been unable to focus on writing this post. The shock is like an earthquake – … How to Deal With the Trauma of This Past Week Read More »
(Our thanks to Oscar Wilde for the title.) MAUDE: The day before Christmas I found myself in a strange and unaccustomed place. I felt sad, deeply sad, and somewhat lonely. I know this is common for many around the holidays, … The Importance of Being Honest in a Relationship Read More »
MAUDE: I was talking to my grandson about the coming of the New Year, and he asked if we were going to be able to go outside and play with friends and go back to school without worrying. While I … Hope Can Dawn With The New Year Read More »
The other night we were just about to shut the lights out and go to sleep when Maude remembered that it was the night the Geminid meteor shower was at its peak. Phil looked out the window and immediately saw … It’s Important to Include Spontaneity In Your Life Read More »
We were contacted this week by a reader asking about the difference between an argument and a disagreement because the distinction was causing confusion between her, her husband and their adult daughter. These words mean different things to different people, … How To Avoid a Disagreement Becoming an Argument Read More »
PHIL: I often read aloud after we retire at night, and we’ve been reading one of our favorites for the second time: “Ten Poems to Set You Free.” Last night we read “Have You Ever Tried to Enter the Long … There Is Nowhere To Be But Here Read More »
Each of us has an inner voice that resonates with what is true. That spirit of truth tells you that love is real. And yet that very reality is being assailed. This disturbing trend has had serious repercussions. It underlies … Choose Love, Not Fear, in All Your Relationships Read More »
Peace is a distinct state of its own. It sometimes gets framed as an absence, an absence of conflict, or even of life itself – “Rest in Peace” – but it is far more useful to see it as a … How to Make Relationship Peace Your Guide for Social Peace Read More »
MAUDE: The cornerstone of peaceful conflict-free relating is the practice of mutuality: the certainty that it is possible to find mutual solutions and the act of creating them. This requires the ability to search beyond differences to find the matching … Why is Mutuality Important in Your Relationships? Read More »
In the last weeks, we’ve written about individuality, core values and total acceptance, and the obvious next question is how to deal with differences. We’ve looked closely at how we do this without conflict and have come to call this … How to Deal With Differences in the Political Arena Read More »
We often describe something we call total acceptance, but what do we actually mean by that term? Well, first let’s discuss what we don’t mean. We don’t mean that you should accept abuse or bullying or attempts at dominance. We … Why Full Acceptance Is The Way To Go Read More »
PHIL: Last week we wrote about recognizing that each person is an individual with their own way of doing things, but of course, that brings up the question of what to do when differences arise in a relationship. It seems … How to See Your Relationship in Terms of Important Core Values Read More »
One of the deepest and, yes sacred, parts of any relationship is the total mutual respect for each other’s individuality. Your partner – and everyone else – is different from you. You may think that is too obvious to even … It’s Important to Honor Individuality in Your Relationships Read More »
In the last months, as we have written and shared how we and others are coping with these tumultuous times, something has become very clear. We get a strong response of agreement, empathy and understanding whenever we share personally about … How to Think Differently About Your Relationships Read More »
How am I coping? How are you coping? The information, the news, the images and statistics just keeping coming and changing, and my head is often swirling. As Phil shared last week, we always write from our direct experience of … Life Will Never Be The Same–What Do I Do About It? Read More »
We try to write from the heart by looking at our relationship and asking how we have been this past week, and out of that arises a facet of how we are that becomes a blog post, but in this … Life Will Never Be The Same And How That Affects Me Read More »
This is the last of our series on how people are coping during these challenging times. We’ve been very moved and inspired by all the contributions and we know you will be too. –ooOOoo– I’m not having an easy time … Imagine It’s Already A New Day Read More »
Two weeks ago, we wrote about How to Transcend Today’s Turmoil with Inner Peace. We ended the blog by asking “What is it that you do? What refreshes your spirit? What brings you peace? How do you stay present while … More People Share How to Transcend Turmoil with Inner Peace Read More »
Last week we wrote about How to Transcend Today’s Turmoil with Inner Peace. We ended the blog by asking “What is it that you do? What refreshes your spirit? What brings you peace? How do you stay present while remaining … People Share How to Transcend Turmoil with Inner Peace Read More »
PHIL: Welcome to the changed world. Buckle up; it’s currently a wild dystopian ride. The only way to enjoy it is to let go of any hope of earth returning to the way it was and find fascination and joy … How to Transcend Today’s Turmoil with Inner Peace Read More »
This week Phil had a medical procedure. He needed a Covid-19 test early in the week, so we had to quarantine. It was so hot that we took our walks very early in the morning when few people were on … Avoid Making Lists and Keeping Score in Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: In one relationship, I felt that sex created intimacy, but my partner needed intimacy to precede sex. (This is what programmers call the bootstrap problem, from the expression “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.” How do you read … How To Nurture Intimacy In Your Relationship Read More »
We value stability in our lives. Old houses and antiques appeal to us because they are tangible evidence that the world is consistent and safe, that things persist, that the world tomorrow will be the same as it is today. … Adapting To Change Is The Skill We Will Need To Cultivate Read More »
PHIL: Is your relationship a town with safe streets, no-go areas and places you might stumble and get hurt? We don’t live there. We simply don’t clash on things. It is totally improbable that we make the same choices time … Why is Balance Important for Peaceful Relationships? Read More »
Critical to having a peaceful conflict-free relationship is an attitude we refer to as total acceptance. Understanding that the other person is a full and separate individual, with different ways of expressing themselves and unique preferences, is a necessary foundation … What Makes Up a Conflict-free Relationship? Read More »
We just finished giving a workshop on transforming your relationships, and one of the areas we discussed was core values – what they are and what impact they have on our relationships. We were surprised to find out how many … Why You Need to Know Your Core Values in a Relationship Read More »
We were sitting around discussing what to write for this week’s blog. We usually look at what is happening in our relationship and draw from that. As we sat talking, we found that we kept drifting to the overall stress … It’s Important To Be Kind And Gentle In Your Relationships Read More »
PHIL: It’s hard for me to know what I want and how I feel because I, like most people, conform to fit in. It’s how to be accepted, to be one of the group. It stems from when being ostracized … Why Matching Values Are Important For Your Relationships Read More »
Amidst the pressures of global warming, political upheaval and Covid-19, relationships are more precious and more important than ever. Divisiveness seems to be at an all time high, making methods of finding mutual solutions and learning how to hear each … Now is the Time for Learning How To Relate Peacefully Read More »
It’s been a crazy three months. A poll this week found that 80 percent of people thought that the country was out of control. We have been writing about personal relationships for years, drawing from our direct experience. When the … How to Get a Peace of Our Mind Read More »
You don’t need us to remind you of the grim state of the world. We are suffering one blow after another. Climate change seems to be an unstoppable monster clawing deeper and deeper into our planet. Zombie fires in the … Look At The Good As Well As The Bad And The Ugly Read More »
Phil had a relationship in his 30’s where his partner just wanted to be heard, but instead, he would offer advice. He was so accustomed to being called on to fix things like a broken door-lock that such conversations seemed … How to Hear What is Being Shared With You Read More »
MAUDE: On a zoom call yesterday, a woman shared her feelings of grief. I realized it is an aspect of coping with this time in all our lives, that we haven’t yet blogged about. She was experiencing the loss of … The Dance of Grief and Joy Read More »
One aspect of this stay-at-home period is how on top of each other some people are, and the risk of tension and conflict this creates. We often talk about having a conflict-free relationship. What do we mean in this instance? … How to Find Mutual Solutions and Avoid Conflict Read More »
We’ve spent the last month writing about staying at home during this pandemic and how that has affected relationships of all sorts. How could we write about anything else? It seems like the only thing people are talking about these … How to Handle these Changes in Your Life Read More »
For us, connections with others are an important part of our lives, and we’ve been made freshly aware of that because the stay-at-home regime has stopped us from meeting face-to-face with people. No more walks, meals or movies with friends. … Community in the Year of the Virus Read More »
Well, here we are, still in the year of the virus! Last week we shared experiences of couples and what it’s like living together during these times. This week we spoke with those who are living alone. Two of the … Living Alone in the Year of the Virus Read More »
It is gradually sinking in for all of us that this is going to be a far longer disruption of normal life than originally thought. We have lived through the first wave of changes: hand-washing, shopping lines, shortages, masks, avoiding … Living Together in the Year of the Virus Read More »
In the last few weeks, a delightful ease has come over us. We have the sense of time being available and deadlines not weighing on us. Certainly our stay-at-home regime has produced savings in time. Breakfasts with friends are now … Time In The Year Of The Virus Read More »
Most of us are in a stay-at-home mode of enforced social survival behavior. Through this global phenomenon we all have an opportunity to find out many things about ourselves, our relationships and our interconnectedness. We, Phil and Maude, have heard … Relationships in the Year of the Virus Read More »
For the last three weeks, we’ve been writing about mutuality, union and core values, three foundational aspects of conflict-free peaceful relationships. Know Yourself While these are the critical underpinnings of the type of relationships we describe, there are characteristics that … What Important Factors Make a Conflict-free Relationship? Read More »
MAUDE: In the last weeks we have been sharing critical aspects of our togetherness and how they are important in relationships. We have written on mutuality and union. The third in this triumvirate is core values. Whether you have been … What is the Importance of Core Values in Your Relationship? Read More »
Last week we wrote about mutuality, a co-creative element of our relationship. There are two other factors that form the foundation of our way of being together. One of these is the union that arises from sexual connection. For nearly … Sex and Union in a Relationship Read More »
PHIL: One view of relationships is that they have a competitive element. They trade in currencies like love, chores, sex, money and compliments, and people maneuver to get the best possible deal. But you can instead throw away all those … Mutuality is the Core of a Peaceful Relationship Read More »
Our partners and intimates are not mind readers, yet too often we act as though they are. We are taught in society to be polite, not hurt other’s feelings, be careful what we say and how we say it. In … It’s Important to Share Your True Feelings in Your Relationship Read More »