Understanding Emotions: Recent Episodes
Sankalp Garud
How do we become more emotionally intelligent? Join me as I myself grapple with this question. Perhaps some of my thoughts will strike a chord with you? Who knows, they may even end up being helpful.
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https://newsletter.sankalpgarud.org/52waysguide
Ever feel like you're always putting others first, even if it means neglecting yourself? This episode dives deep into the surprising downsides of being "too nice." I explains how people-pleasing tendencies can lead to burnout , stifle your voice , and even damage your relationships.
If we haven't met 👋, my name is Sankalp, I am a PhD student in psychology at the University of Oxford.
We'll explore the root causes of this behavior (often linked to childhood experiences!), and learn powerful strategies to overcome it. I will show you how to set healthy boundaries, manage that pesky guilt monster, and finally develop the assertiveness you deserve .
This episode is your chance to understand why you might be "too nice," and take control of your happiness! Join me and let's build a more balanced and fulfilling life together! #selfcare #boundaries #assertiveness #personalgrowth #psychology
00:00 Introduction
03:16 Niceness is not the same as goodness
08:01 The selfishness spectrum
12:15 Resentment
13:03 Over-responsibility
13:46 Solution to niceness
14:42 Guilt
20:08 Covert contracts
21:50 Role of childhood
24:33 Exercise: find your rules
27:13 How to not blame others
28:41 Passive aggressiveness
31:48 Silent Treatment
32:37 Exercise: bill of rights
34:53 What are rights
36:30 Most social rules are malleable
37:28 Communication hacks
39:08 Putting it all into practice
39:55 Mindfulness meditation
42:11 Mind body pain
44:46 The cost of niceness
Free guide on emotional intelligence: https://newsletter.sankalpgarud.org/52waysguideIn this video, I talk about loneliness, social connection, friendship and the likes. I explore both the science and the practice of making friends. Who am I?If we haven't met before, I am Sankalp, a PhD student in Experimental Psychology at the University of Oxford. My aim is to significantly increase happiness and well-being in this world. On this channel I talk about all things psychology, both from the inside (think emotions) and from the outside (think brain). 00:00 Trailer02:35 Podcast begins04:59 Exploring the Grant Study: The Importance of Social Bonds08:39 Loneliness vs. Social Network Sizes: A Deep Dive into Studies13:14 The Neuroscience of Social Connection: Brain Mechanisms and Hormones15:48 How many friends can I have at once20:09 Impact of decreasing family sizes on lonelinesss22:17 Role of endorphins27:37 Meditation and default mode network30:33 Empathy and mirror neurons34:46 Social context and social mistakes36:32 Social connection as a fundamental human need40:14 Gut health and social anxiety43:03 Social Status and Its Impact: Understanding Our Social Hierarchy45:20 Fear of rejection46:50 Overcoming Fear and Rejection in Social Interactions49:35 Tip: Talk to strangers52:14 Do Looks Matter?53:39 Key Factors in Forming Friendships: Similarity, Proximity, and Familiarity56:40 How many hours to go from friend to stranger?58:05 Tip: Acceptance58:57 Tip: Choosing right environments, cities, and venues 01:00:46 Tip: Optimising nutrition 01:01:30 Tip: How to overcome fear of rejection01:06:08 Tip Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity for Deeper Connections01:07:32 Tip: Friendly greetings01:08:37 Building self-esteem01:10:49 The halo effect01:12:20 Internal Family Systems Model01:16:11 Conversation skills01:23:26 My personal experience eliminating social anxiety
Chuck Garcia is the founder of Climb Leadership International and coaches executives worldwide on public speaking, emotional intelligence, and executive presence. His clients include many of the world’s best and biggest companies. He is a motivational speaker, Amazon bestselling author of A Climb to the Top, and teaches at Columbia University. Chuck is also a passionate and accomplished mountaineer who has scaled peaks all over the world. He formerly spent twenty-five years in leadership positions at Bloomberg, BlackRock, and Citadel Investment Management. His new book, The Moment That Defines Your Life was released on February 6th and distributed by Simon & Schuster.00:00 Trailer00:51 Introduction02:17 Conversation starts02:41 Chuck's Life-Changing Experience on 9/1107:51 From Wall Street to Mountaineering: A Career Transformation09:02 Family Perspectives and Emotional Aftermath11:29 Embracing a New Career Path: The Journey of Teaching and Coaching14:34 The Power of Mentorship and Learning from the Mountains19:14 Does academia fail to create inspiration?23:54 Stoicism Meets Emotional Intelligence33:28 Navigating People Pleasing and Niceness 34:55 The Pitfalls of Trying Too Hard35:52 Eulogy Virtues vs Resume Virtues37:47 The Power of Genuine Connections39:26 Cultural Differences in Communication and Assertiveness40:46 Embracing Nonconformity: Lessons from Churchill and Gandhi49:16 Emotional security vs courage 50:42 Building Credibility, Trust, and Respect in Your Career54:15 Public Speaking and Communication59:59 Final Thoughts: Changing Yourself to Change the World01:02:55 Wrapping up
In this episode, I talk to Bryan Johnson about mental health, social connection, and more.Free guide on emotional intelligence: https://newsletter.sankalpgarud.org/52waysguideBryan Johnson is the world's most measured human. Johnson sold his company, Braintree Venmo, to PayPal for $800m in 2013. Through his Project Blueprint, Johnson has achieved metabolic health equal to the top 1.5% of 18 year olds, inflammation 66% lower than the average 10 year old, and reduced his speed of aging by the equivalent of 31 years. Johnson freely shares his protocols and data publicly for everyone to use. Project Blueprint, is an endeavor to achieve humanity and earth scale cooperation starting within Self. 0:00 Trailer00:40 Bryan's Introduction 02:57 Does mental health matter to Bryan?03:59 Relationship between mental health and physical health05:10 Bryan's relationship with death06:45 Maintaining gratitude for life in the absence of death09:12 Lessons from religious upbringing10:18 Bryan's take on relationships11:50 Making health a priority
Free guide: 52 Ways to Be More Emotionally Intelligent https://newsletter.sankalpgarud.org/52waysguideIn this podcast, I talk to Sanat Sogani on the intersection between psychology and politics. We discuss a range of issues from the history of political theory to morality and Buddhism. I hope you find this discussion engaging.Sanat Sogani is a PhD student in Political Theory at the Central European University in Vienna.(00:00) Introduction(02:24) Psychology and Politics discussion begins(05:35) What is politics(11:36) Key Ideas of Politics12:36 Plato and Socrates13:24 Aristotle14:28 Hobbes15:55 Rousseau17:33 Hobbes vs Rousseau18:23 Kant19:36 Marx20:31 Rawls21:41 Feminism22:15 Nancy Fraser & Elizabeth Anderson 24:00 Confucius and Eastern Thinkers26:52 Which thinker influenced Sanat the most?27:57 Is Rishi Sunak Kantian?29:46 Buddhism, Religion and Atheism34:51 Where does religion go wrong?35:38 Deontology vs utilitarianism38:51 The trolley problem 41:18 Trolley problem in the pandemic42:04 Buddhist philosophy43:47 Is growth limited to a few?45:47 The problem of psychopathy and bad actors46:23 Problems inherent in Buddhsim and any belief system 48:39 Liberalism50:16 Is political theory useful in day to day life?54:32 Arriving at political conclusions through psychological premises55:02 Agency and mental health57:49 Intersection of psychology and politics01:00:27 Status and social hierarchies01:04:50 Morality 01:09:43 Sankalp's views on where morality comes from01:11:02 Jonathan Haidt's Moral Foundation Theory01:14:20 Marriage01:19:25 Conform or Rebel: How to Decide?01:22:18 Protests01:24:05 Books & resources to learn political theory01:25:25 Left - right spectrum01:28:06 Wrapping up
In this episode, we talk about the risks of meditation practice.
52 ways to be more emotionally intelligent (free guidebook): https://newsletter.sankalpgarud.org/52waysguide
Financial times podcast: https://www.ft.com/content/b3ec8e57-5cf9-4f96-9267-56c3bcd9c102
00:00 Introduction
03:06 Announcement
04:00 Motivation (Untold: The Retreat Podcast)
06:16 What are meditation retreats
08:23 Categories of meditation related problems
11:34 Psychological problems stemming from physical problems
11:59 Sleep related disturbances
15:39 Nutrition related problems
19:37 Socio-psychological Problems
23:00 Cultlike elements in meditation
28:09 Critical Thinking
29:04 Political Polarisation
29:57 Mental Health Problems
30:10 Psychotic episodes
31:31 The purpose of meditation
36:12 Perfectionism
37:33 Insights
40:52 Reaching out for help and potential pitfalls
42:36 Aftershow
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In this episode, we talk about the four attachment styles. This is a audio excerpt from my YouTube video on the same topic!
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In this episode, we discuss how to stop being nice. This is an episode with Dr Aziz Gazipura
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In this episode, we talk about how to deal with negative emotions
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In this podcast, I talk about the epistemology of emotional intelligence.
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In this epidose, I discuss self esteem
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In this podcast, we discuss confidence.
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In this episode, I explore the 'Winner Effect', a phenomenon where individuals are more likely to win after a history of winning. I discuss the emotional impact of winning and losing, and the role of status games. I warn of the potential negative impacts of unchecked winning and power. I also suggest strategies like offering self-compassion, noticing our wins, reconsidering our hierarchies, and shifting from a competitive to a collaborative mindset. I emphasize the importance of staying humble and viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth, ensuring power doesn't lead to problematic behaviors.
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In this episode, we dive into the concept of 'covert contracts' and how these unconscious agreements can lead to feelings of resentment and a sense of life's unfairness. We explore the origins of these contracts in childhood, and how they shape our sense of entitlement. We discuss how recognizing and confronting these contracts can facilitate growth and emotional maturity. Lastly, we examine how focusing on serving something larger than ourselves can help us transform pain into purpose, build character, and foster a sense of gratitude and contentment in life. This episode invites you to reflect, grow and find peace amidst life's challenges.
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In this episode, we talk about the difference between the collaborative frame and the competitive frame
AI summary: In this podcast, we delve into the concepts of competitive and collaborative frames and their influence on mental health. The competitive frame often generates feelings of fear, defensiveness, or anger, potentially distorting one's perception of reality. On the other hand, the collaborative frame fosters a sense of cooperation, mutual understanding, and support, ultimately promoting better mental health and overall well-being. Recognizing and shifting from a competitive to a collaborative frame can lead to healthier relationships and personal growth.
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In this episode, we discuss the tension between acceptance and toxic positivity
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Thank you for being with me for the last 3 years!
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The course will be called the Fundamentals of Emotional Intelligence!
Do you feel that you do not have any energy? Do you often check-in how far you are from the weekend? Then this episode is for you.
In the last few days, I have been making my course on emotional intelligence. And I have experienced a massive down pour of energy. I had to make this episode to decode where all of this energy came from.
I wish this episode brings you closer toward vitality, vigor, and massive energy!
Discover your Emotional Intelligence Score here!
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In this podcast, we talk about how to give ourselves the permission to feel anger fully.
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In this episode, I explain the phenomenon of emotional congruence
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In this episode, we talk about the power of psychological investments!
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In this episode, I talk about the life changing importance of taking action. I discuss the relationship between action and emotional intelligence.
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In this episode, I introduce you to the Internal Family Systems style of psychotherapy
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In this episode, I discuss a common problem we face when cultivating emotional intelligence: an incorrect sense of timelines!
Website: sankalpgarud.org
Relevant past episodes:
Episode on the inner critic
Happiness comes from progress, not achievement
Energy flows where focus goes
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In this episode, we decode how status links to emotional intelligence
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UE #23: Worth comes from birth
UE #40: Owning and integrating your shadow: the most important emotional skill for “nice” girls & Guys
UE #11: Why being “nice” is unhealthy
UE #21: Meet your inner critic
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In this episode, I explain what the halo effect is and what it can teach us about emotional intelligence
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In this episode, you will learn one of the most important emotional skills - owning your shadow!
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Related episodes:
UE #3: Acceptance is the foundation of emotional intelligence
UE #11: Why being “nice” is unhealthy
UE #32: Anger outside, fear inside (what anger is and how to manage it)
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In this short episode, we learn about how martial arts can help with emotional intelligence
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In this episdoe, we take a deep dive into neediness
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UE #26: The six human needs
UE #3: Acceptance is the foundation of emotional intelligence\
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In this episode, I share some tips for imporving our communication skills.
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In this episode, we examine your relationship with goals! We begin by setting some goals, and then examine the motivations behind them
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In this podcast, you will find out how our patterns of focus determine our emotional well-being
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In this episode, we talk about despair. I talk about how the beginners mind and receiving grace can be powerful antidotes to despair
My course on meditation!
Zen Mind Beginners Mind
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In this episdoe, we deconstruct guilt. What is guilt and where does it comes from? How do you feel less guilt? All in this episode
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In this episode, you will learn what anger is and how to deal with it in the moment
Website: sankalpgarud.org
UE #5: How meditation can help build emotional intelligence (includes a 10 minute guided meditation)
UE #21: Meet your inner critic
UE #10: Your mind is like a family, and you are its head
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UE #22: How to soothe your inner critic
UE #21: Meet your inner critic
UE #25: Nutrition and emotional intelligence
UE #28: How to deal with pain
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In this episode, we discuss how to handle conficts and assertive conversations
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In this episode, we talk about shyness, social anxiety, and confidence
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In this episode, we talk about our good friend, pain!
UE #25: Nutrition and emotional intelligence
UE #20: The difference between pain and suffering
Dr John Sarno's work (The Mindbody Prescription) for more if you suffer from chronic pain
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In this episode, we talk about some of our common recipes for suffering
Previous episodes referenced in this episode:
UE #11: Why being “nice” is unhealthy
UE #3: Acceptance is the foundation of emotional intelligence
UE #24: How to use your body to activate emotions
UE #9: On Self Compassion
UE #19: Our sense of self is an illusion
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In this episode, I cover a helpful model of human needs that comes from Tony Robbins
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In this episode, we discuss the many ways in which food and emotions are linked to each other!
I recommend http://nutritionfacts.org for evidence based nutrition advice.
Podcast episode on the inner critic
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In this episode, we learn about the critical role that our bodies play in influencing our emotions. You will learn how you can use your body as a remote control to access certain emotions.
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In this episode, we explore the murky land of shame!
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In this episode, we slay, destroy, and overpower our inner critics. Take it to the ground and punch it in its face. After this episode, your critic will never dare to raise its voice ever again.
Okay I'm kidding. In this episode, we talk to our critics with empathy and understanding!
Previous episode that introduces you to your inner critic
Book recommendation for the deep divers: On My Own Side by Dr Aziz Gazipura
Episode on niceness
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In this episdoe, we discuss our inner critics, and the various forms they take.
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Relevant links:
Episode on perfectionism
Episode on cognitive distortions
Episode on humility
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In this episode, I talk about how pain and suffering differ. And why making that distinction could make you happier!
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In this episode, I share a few exercises and arguments for our sense of self being an illusion. A bit philosophilcal this one, but I think you’ll like it. Let me know what you think!
For more reading on this, I suggest Bruce Hood's The Self Illusion. Also noteworthy are Sam Harris' work in this area. A more thorough reading on the Buddisht argument would be Mark Siderit's book Buddhism as Philosophy. More on the ship of Theseus thought experiments is here.
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Join me as I outine the 5 layers of emotional intelligence: social, body, thoughts, feelings, and spiritual
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Do you often worry about things you cannot control? Do you fail to make the distinction of what you can and cannot control? If yes, then this episode might serve you!
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What are cognitive distortions? In this episode, I discuss my top 3 cognitive distortions, and suggest ways to counter them!
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How do you relate to your thoughts? Do you automatically assume they're true? All about thoughts and their function in this episode!
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Where does happiness come from? I claim it comes from making progress, not attaining a goal. Have a listen to find out more
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What are psychological triggers, and are they something to be avoided? Listen to find out!
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Recommended: Podcast episode on meditation
I introduce what I call the first person perspective, and third person perspective. Then I propose how suffering arises when we mistake first person problems to be third person problems. Have a listen to understand better!
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Recommended: The headless way series on the Waking Up meditation app
How being nice can cause emotional distress!
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Book recommended: Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura
In which, I compare the mind to a family. This analogy helps understand our minds better, and point to what's healthy for our emotional lives.
In this episode, I introduce the idea of self compassion. And then I lead you into a short 7 minute guided meditation on self compassion.
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Links:
Episode on acceptance
Episode on self compassion
Episode on perfectionism
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In this episode, I introduce the concept of self compassion. And then I lead you into a short 7 minute guided meditation on self compassion.
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For more on the loving kindness practice, check out Greater Good Science Centre's page.
In this episode, I talk about distraction, which I think is the biggest mistake that prevents emotional fitness. This is more relevant than ever amidst all the coronavirus self isolation.
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Referenced in the show:
Episode on acceptance
Episode on meditation
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I talk about the thing that's in all our minds: the coronavirus pandemic. This is not an episode about the figures, or the epidemiology or the precautions. Instead, I've shared my two cents on how to calibrate our emotional response to the situation. Hope it is valuable!
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Oxford University's Our World in Data
Let's take a step back, and think about why even bother with emotional intelligence. What's the payoff, and what's the problem in the ft place? Listen to this episode to find out!
Please share the podcast using the links below. If you wish to contact me for feedback/suggestions/comments, please get in touch using this contact form.
Check out episode 4 mentioned in this episode.
Always wanted to learn meditation, but weren't sure how exactly it helps? In this episode, I explain how meditation can help specifically with emotional intelligence. I've made this episode keeping someone who has little to no meditation experience in mind. I hope this episode helps clear some misconceptions of meditation, and adds clarity to what it's all about. And to top it all off, there is a bonus 10 minute guided meditation at the end.
These are the following apps I recommend to establish a practice: headspace, waking up, and ten percent happier. Give a try to all, and see what suits you the best.
Enjoy, and let me know what you think in the feedback form.
What is humility? Is it the same as self-deprecation? And can being more humble help us learn things better? Find out in this episode.
Books recommended in this episode are Lying by Sam Harris and Ultralearning by Scott Young
As usual, please keep your feedback, comments, and questions coming. Use this contact form to reach out.
I explain the importance of acceptance in developing emotional intelligence. A brief discussion about Jonathan Haidt's work, and a brief discussion about the phenomenon of 'being bad at math' are included. I also give some practical tips for cultivating acceptance!
I tried a bit of a 'casual' style in recording this episode. So let me know what you think. Would you like me to be more formal, or more casual? It'll be fun to hear from you. Use the contact page to reach out.
In which, I explain why I think gratitude can be used as an antidote to perfectionism. I would love to hear what you think about the show. Does not have to be some elaborate comment, a simple sentence would do. Write to me using this form
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In which, I explain why I am making this show. I would love to hear what you think about the show. Does not have to be some elaborate comment, a simple sentence would do. Write to me using this form
See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.