Dealing With My Grief: Recent Episodes
Darwyn M. Dave
My name is Darwyn M. Dave, and I lost my father in April of 1978 when I was just 10 years old. Even though that was a long time ago, I have realized that I'm not "over" his death, but in fact I'm still dealing with it.
I've started the Dealing With My Grief podcast to discuss how I have been coping with grief and bereavement since that time.
It is my hope that in creating this space I am able to connect with others who have lost someone close to them and in some small way help them deal with their pain.
I have been away for almost 2 years after going through a health crisis... I'm back and I'd like to thank everyone who reached out to me during my absence. * Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts * Click here to subscribe on Android * Click here to subscribe via RSS * Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call: In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255 In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following: email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
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IDoes the pain of grief ever sto hurting so much? If so, when? I reflect (and maybey rant) on my experience wih the ebbs and flows that pain brings with grief. Spoiler alert: it begins to hurt less until it doesn't!
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call:
In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255
In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Shop on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/?tag=dwmg0c-20&linkCode=ez
I have returned to podcasting after a long hiatus. While I have had some struggles with my physical health, Im doing well and looking to get better.
I've received a lot of email in the last 6 months and today. I'd like to focus on platitutes and the things that people say when we are grieving. Why aren't they helpful?
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call:
In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255
In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Shop on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/?tag=dwmg0c-20&linkCode=ez
As we approach Father's day, it dawned on me that during the Mother's Day/Father's Day period there is a certain segment of the grief population that seem sto be totally ignored... that would be parents who have lost children.
I know that people post about loss of all types every day, but during this period I rarely see posts by parents who have lost children but I see a lot of post of individuals mourning their parents.
If you have lost a child, i'd like to know how you cope during this time of year, and what it anything can make this time of year a little easier to cope with.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call:
In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255
In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
As I release this episode of the podcast, I am remembering my dad's 86th birthday. It also marks the beginning of my mourning period leading to his death anniversary on the 24th.
As this is the third year I have had to navigate this anniversary without the words of my mother to comfort me, I try looking for other ways to keep from focusing to much on my dad's death anniversary. This year 'm trying to be inspired by others.
Joe Biden went from losing his wife and daughter just before taking office in the U.S. Senate to becoming the President of the United States. I know that we cant compare grief or grief journeys, but I find it inspiring that someone who has gone through so much, could accomplish as much as he has. Sometimes I think I could learn something from the examples set by others.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
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- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call:
In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255
In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Dealing with recent challenges has forced me to re-examine my relationship with the word "help". Being an only chile, I was "forced" to figure most things on my own. Asking for help was something I didn't do often. If I did I'd ask my mother for help. Now that she's gone, I have other's that I can go to, but for me that is often difficult.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
If you are in immediate crisis and need assistance, call:
In the U.S. :National Suicide Prevention Hotline - (800) 2738255
In the UK: supportline - 01 708 765200
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
We've been dealing with COVID for over a year... During this time their are a lot of things that we've done that we didn't think we could do, things we didn't want to do... but we did them anyway.
Needless to say, it has been a rough year.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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- Click here to subscribe via RSS
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If you are worried about your mental health and want to schedule regular sessions with a professional: www.betterhelp.com/dealingwithmygrief.
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have been away for a long time. My home caught on fire in February 2020 and before moving back into my home in November 2020 I moved a total of 4 times. I caught COVID in February 2021 which caused me to be in the hospital for almost 3 weeks.
Needless to say, it has been a rough year.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have often been asked if I have problems discussing the circumstances surrounding my dad' s death. Truthfully, I used to , but since starting the podcast It has been a lot easier for me. People need to know that some things they see on television is real, and it effect real people.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Have you ever had an issue expressing how you navigate through the grieving process? If so, I had a conversation with a film maker who has a project that is a must see for grievers as well as those who are supporting grievers.
Lindsey Whissel Fenton is an Emmy award-winning storyteller who is passionate about using public media to build empathy. She is currently a senior producer at WPSU where, most recently, she developed, produced, directed, and wrote Speaking Grief, a multi-platform initiative aimed at helping create a more grief-aware society.
In 2017, Lindsey co-produced and directed A Time to Heal, a public media documentary that explores the impact of the Vietnam War on the lives of those who fought, protested, or prayed for their loved ones to come home alive. You Can’t Say That, which she produced, was among eight U.S. programs selected to screen at the 2013 International Public Television Screening Conference (INPUT) conference in El Salvador; it was also honored with a Mid Atlantic Emmy Award. Some of her other projects include Pennsylvania Folklore: Woven Together and World on Trial: The French Headscarf Law. Fenton also serves as a host for the WPSU-FM series Take Note.
She earned her bachelor’s degree in Cinema and Digital Arts from Point Park University and her master’s degree in Learning, Design, and Technology from Penn State. In 2012, she was one of four professionals selected by Rotary International District 7350 to serve as an ambassador for its Group Study Exchange to Ukraine.
Fenton practices Shotokan karate and holds the rank of Nidan (second degree black belt). She also recently discovered a passion for rock climbing. A native of Buffalo, NY, Lindsey currently resides in Central Pennsylvania with her husband. She is the proud dog-mom to Birch, a 7(ish)-year-old Maltese who was rescued from a puppy mill by Pets Come First.
Watch the facebook live stream here:
https://www.facebook.com/wpsugrief/videos/200597058050614/?v=200597058050614
Find out more about Speaking Grief here: https://speakinggrief.org/
Information about the Brave of Heart Fund: https://www.braveofheartfund.com/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A listener asks if I still styruggle with someThe short anse things since it seems like I have come up with coping skills for a lot of things.
The short answer is yes... I struggle with some things. However, there are some things that don't bother me so much.
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I received letter a few months ago from the person convicted of killing my father. This letter had been written in 2008 and had never been claimed by my mother.
I'm not sure if she was truly aware that this letter had been written, or if she simply chose not to receive it.
In any case, it weas not what I expected .
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A few months ago, I received notification that the person convicted of killing my father will be eligible for a parole hearing in April 2023... that is less than 3 years away. Even still, while the hearing is in less than three years, he still has another mandatory 8 years let's be fty to server.
When I was a kid, 50 years seemed forever... now its right around the corner. I know have to ask myself how I feel about that.
Do I consider what my mom would do or think about this, do I lean on religious beliefs or do what I think is right by me? Do I even know what I think is right?
I have many questions and no answers, but I have time to think about it.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I had a wonderful chat with Callsuma Ali about my relationship with my father. We also talk about his murder and my process for dealing with the aftermath of his loss.
Connect with Callsuma on Twitter at https://twitter.com/CallsumaAli
Sometimes grief comes between us.
we plan for many things, but grief is not one of them. As we be go through life, planning for what we think is going to be the future, grief has a way of derailing those plans, So much so that it may begin to eat away at the fabric of our relationships.
As we begin to process our grief, how quickly we move through has a serious impact on what people think about us and how they act towards us. The key thing to remember is that we all process differently... and that must be respected.
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Note: I am looking to interview individuals who are victims of violent crime and have received apology letters from the offender. If that is you or someon you know, reach out to me by any of the methods below.
Thanks!
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
On May 25, 2020 George Floyd lost his life to the hands of the Minneapolis, Minnesota police when a police office knelt on his neck until he was dead. This is just the latest example an unarmed African American man whose life has senselessly been taken by those who have sworn to protect and serve us.
In the wake of this tragedy, there have been protests and riots all across the country.
In the midst of it all there are many people who do understand what many African Americans go through on a daily basis.
Just like grief you'll never truly understand until it happens to you.
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Why did my mother give me my name.... Darwyn?
Last week I talked about change... change while going through the changes that grief brings.
This week is about the evolution of grief... how my grief has evolved and how I have evolved (or maybe not) around it.
I used to be angry, lost, confused in the immediate days and years following my dad's death.
Somehow, somewhere I found the act of forgiveness which allowed me to release the anger and begin to have some sort of inner peace. I used to believe that some people are crazy or are monsters and just want to hurt people.
I believe now that there is a reason why most people do what they do, even the bad things and we don't want to take the time figure out or to understand why.
I've changed my thoughts on knowing why my father was killed.
I now have this burning sensation to sit down with one or more of the people who committed this murder and simply ask, "Why?" I know I'll never get ananswer that justifies the reason.
Whike I have evolved in some respects, in others I have not. I still ignore the signs that people give right before they die.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher said, “Change is the only constant in life.”
As I publish this episode I realize that not only is change constant, but I have no control over how or even when it affects me. Change for as much as it can be welcomed and good when we know that something good is coming can be so dreadful when the unexpected bad thing s happen.
Even when we know that bad things are going to occur I sometime ignore the signs talking myself out of how much I will be impacted by the change the is coming.
While I don't like it most times... I have to learn to embrace change regardless when it happens... good or bad.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I sit working from home amid the COVID-19 pandemic I have realized that the link between this virus and grief is more that just the deaths caused by the virus.
With all the talk about the number of cases and death expected to rise, speculation about a possible vaccine years ahead of the normal timeline for vaccine development and the politicizing of the virus by both parties here in the U.S., Just like I have often done in grief, I just want to isolate myself (even more than I've been forced to) from it all!
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As this podcast episode is being released on the anniversary of my father's death, I find myself being consumed by a different question than usual.
When did I start my healing process?
The answer... when the bleeding stopped!
When I physically fall, sometimes bhe bleeding doesn't happen immediately. The blood and pain take a minute to be registered by my brain and they suually hit at the same time. At that point there is no denying what has happened. For that brief second while you are waiting for the blood to appear you wonder if there will be any blood and if so, how bad will it be.
In grief when my father died and my mother and I walked into that store, I was in disbelief of what I saw. I couldn't beleive it was happening to me... itr took his funeral for it to really start to sink in that this was happening.
But what about the healing... when and how does that happen?
I had to realize that I could live on without my father. That is when the bleeding stopped. Once the bleeding stops only then can healing truly begin.
But healing to is painful. I recently fell and scraped up my elbo pretty bad. while the scrpar marks have scarred over every time I bump my arm against something or ove it the wrong way, it hurts... it's a painful reminder that something has happened to me.
That just means it may take just a little longer to heal... It also mean I may have a scar for a while.
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
February 25 is a day my life change... yet again!
On this day my home caught fire in my living room and dining room. What the fire didn't destroy smoke and water damage did.
After spending a month in a hotel, my family is now renting a house while out home is being repaired. They say it'll be 6-8 months to complete... did I mention hotel?
During the month we spent in the hotel, we met many people - some who were staying long term for work and some who had suffered misfortune like my family were there because their homes were being repaired.
After 2 weeks there, the COVID-19 virus began to hit the U.S. hard and we were afraid our hotel would close like many others and we'd be left looking for a place to live. As mentioned earlier, our insurance company came through and found a place to we could live until our home is done.
But the virus... It has left us sheltered in place and I'm fortunate enough that I can work from home. So unlike many millions of people in the states, I am able to continue earning a living wage.
While it is difficult not being around people and seeing the street looking more like a ghost town instead of a thriving metropolis, I have to tell myself that this is only temporary. Eventually we will get back to some sense of normalcy... whatever that happens to be,
How are you coping wit the virus and what do you think "normal" will look like when the pandemic is over?
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
There are amazing people using different avenues to express and deal with grief... especially as it relates to children.
As someone who lost my father when I was a child, I look to spotlight organizations who are helping children deal in some way no matter how big or small with their loss.
This week I have a conversation with Sarah Illiatovitch-Goldman
Sarah works for the Auditorium Theatre in Chicago where she is is the Director of Hearts to Art Summer Camp - a performing arts program for young people 7-14 who have experienced the death of a parent. As an educator, Sarah has taught everywhere from Universities to Summer Camps, to Prisons to High Schools and beyond. She is a trauma informed practice provider and brings the philosophy of that practice to all of her work. Sarah is an internationally recognized playwright who has worked with some of the best theatre companies in Chicago including working on three plays by Pulitzer and Tony Award winning playwright, Tracy Letts. Though she is from Toronto, Ontario - Sarah lives in Chicago with her husband, her three daughters and her fiercely frustrated feline, Mortimer.
Contact Sarah and Hearts to Art:
Website: www.HeartstoArt.org
Facebook: www.facebook.com/HeartstoArt
Contact: 312-341-2353, education@auditoriumtheatre.org
Get more information about the National Alliance for Grieving Children here: https://childrengrieve.org/ Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
People don't give us what we expect in grief because they don't know what we need... and often cases we don't tell them.
Before we pass judgement on those around us, let us first take a step back and process what is going on around us and try to figure out exactly what's behind a persons actions and what we can do to help them hep us.
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
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voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes we can't give grief the attention it deserves either because the magnitude of grief hasn't hit yet, or because there are other pressing needs that need our attention.
When my father died. my mother's main focus as making sure our basic needs were met. There was no time to sit and reflect on the journey she would have to take in providing for a household as a single parent.
conversely, it didn't hit me for 4 years that I would have go through certain aspects of life without my dad around. At 10 years old I only lived for the moment - school, chores and play. That was essentially my life. Even after my dad died, I lived for the moment. I never thought about the future... not until it hit me square in the face when I was 14.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I last saw my uncle in June of 2016. At the time he told me he had something for me but he had decided he'd wait and give it to me later. As it turned out, later would never come because he died 3 weeks later.
Christmas of 2016 on a visit back to S. Louis, my aunt and cousin presented me with the item my uncle bequeathed to me... a Rolex DateJust watch. I was thrilled and nervous at the same time. I had never owned anything that expensive that I couldn't drive and I was afraid that somehow I would mess it up, maybe break it.
Over the last year, that watch has become a way to establish a connection with my uncle. I think aabout how hard he worked and the many successes in life he had: he owned race horses and ran a successful daycare business. He was also there for my mother and me when we needed something like my school clothes or getting our car fix - anything that we needed in the moment. This watch reminds me of the essence of who he was and of who I can be.
I would like to someday buy a Rolex of my own in celebration of how far I have come on my grief journey and to pass my uncle's watch to my son before I die. My uncle was the closest thing to a grandfather that my son ever had and I want him to experience this wonderful feeling of wearing something so grand in remembrance of my uncle... our uncle.
Looking at the Rolex website (rolex.com) I found that many of the stories of prominent Rolex owners have purchased/received their watches after persevering in whatever profession they have to be the best at what they do. This watch helps me channel the same spirit from my uncle.
One of the Rolex tag lines is "The world of Rolex is filled with stories of perpetual excellence." Mine is filled with the perpetual excellence of my hardworking uncle and the perpetual connection this watch gives me to him.
Here is a picture of the watch.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When my dad died, I was just a child t a new school trying to fit in... trying to be accepted by those who had barely known me for 5 months. And suddenly after his death I wanted to fit in even more so. I didn't want to bee seen as different.
Even in high school, college, and the military I would hide that part of me that me me "different." I would become a chameleon and simply hide in plain sight. I would in some aspect become part of my environment and surroundings. I'd become just another face in the crowd.
I had been hiding in plain sight until 4 years ago - that's when the Dealing With My Grief podcast was born. It started as a place for me to verbalized things I didn't feel that I could earlier in my life. I know had a space to analyze what I might tell my younger self as I went through specific experiences and emotions and what I might do differently.
It has evolved into a space where others can share their stories and together we can realize we are not alone.
This podcast is officially 4 years old. I thank you for sharing in this journey with me.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
In October of 2011 I contracted a flesh eating bacteria while watching my son play baseball. Some believe I was bitten by a spider - probably a brown recluse.
To remove the dead tissue and ger ahead of the virus I underwent 4 surgeries over a 10 day period to make sure all infected tissue had been removed and that the virus/bacteria had been completely removed. But part of this process involved packing the wound after each surgery with a material that would head drain and keep the wound clean. It would then be taped to my leg until the next dressing change.
Changing the dressing was a challenge because the nurses would slowly rip the tape from my leg. which was still painful, but they would pull just a little and stop so it wouldn't hurt as bad then d a little more, then stop, followed by a little more. Eventually after 10-15 minutes, we would be through. After the tird surgery, I'd had enough. I just told them to rip the tape off all at once. I'd rather hurt once and get it over with than suffer for 15 minutes a little at a time.
This is exactly haw I've fels since my mom died. I've been doing a little at a time, especially with her belongings. Doing just enough until the pain was overwhelming. But now it;s done. But what would I have felt if I had done it all at once?
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Happy 2020!
A new year, a new decade. As I mentioned previously, I have not been able to keep up the schedule for the podcast. I've been playing catch up with the other aspects of my life and just haven't been able to devote as much time to the podcast's production. Hopefully, that is all behind me now and I can get back to the regulaas schedule for the show.
As I look back at 2019, I realize that it is the community I have found in grief and the relationships I've established that give me inspiration to have hope when things get difficult... when I fell lost and have no idea what my next move is.
It is the conversation with those that have come on this podcast or you that have sent me an email, text or a post in the Dealing With My Grief Facebook group that inspire me to keep the faith... that community and having these conversations are important.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I am focusing on making new traditions... or at least getting back to old ones this year. The last month and a half have been emotionally draining, mainly dealing with cleaning out my mom's house. Now that it's over, mentally I feel like I'm recovering at a decent pace.
I've been able to start enjoying things I used to do with mom... like eating Cream of Wheat again which is something she made on Saturday mornings.
I know Christmas is a hard time of year for some, but I'm happy my family will be receiving wine from me again after a two year hiatus. I'm grateful I can find joy during this holiday season.
Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) - I hope you are able to find some happiness and joy, no matter how small it mat be during theis holiday season
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have been AWOL 3 of the last 5 weeks. Putting the finishing touches on getting mom's house cleaned out was a bigger challenge than I thought it would be... and more emotional as well.
I'm exhausted... I'm drained.
I can take solace in the fact that Christmas is around the corner and I can visit homes where some of mom's things now reside. I am grateful for this.
I didn't think that the house would mean so much to me. I'd only "lived" there for 2 years before I went off to discover and challenge life as a young adult.
I'm still processing a few things, but hopefully the roughest part is behind me.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I realize I have been away from a few weeks... I'll talk about that in next week's episode.
I spent the week before Thanksgiving 2019 finishing up cleaning out my mom's home for it's new tenants. It was an emotional experience to say the least.
You can complete your holiday shopping on Amazon here: https://amzn.to/2OOJOCy
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A few weeks ago, the Washington Nationals celebrated their first World Series Championship by having a parade. While the entire city was happy and festive and celebrating with the team, I was not.
In order to get to the World Series, the Nationals had to beat my home town team, the St. Louis Cardinals... and they beat them in convincing fashion, winning the best of seven series four games to none. They then went on to beat the Houston Astros for the championship.
Suddenly, I thought of one person... Bryce Harper.
Bryce Harper was the face of the Nationals franchise for a number of years. He was a kid phenom who could hit the cover off the ball and was supposed to help the Nationals win the series... except he didn't.
Bryce harper's contract ended last season and instead of re-signing with the Nationals he instead signed with the rival Philadelphia Phillies. When asked how he felt about the Nationals as they progressed throught the playoffs he said he was happy for them.. he came up in the league with the organization and was happy for the guys that welcomed him to the league. But in leaving the team, I think he burned a lot of bridges, at least with the fans of the team.
He can't come home.
As I think about Thanksgiving, I can't go home either. While Bryce can't go home metaphorically, I can't go home physically because the home the my mother lived in will be c\occupied by a new family... not the one I spent 30 something years gathering with relatives in. I have to find someplace to lay my head whenever I go back to St. Louis. Thanksgiving meals have moved on to a different family member's home.
I am, however, like Bryce - happy for my family that remains because they can still come together and celebrate as family and create new traditions... in another family members home.
Check out last weeks episode with the Rays of Hope Children's Grief Centre in Midland TX here:
http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-185
Visit the Rays of Hope website: https://raysofhopemidland.org/
Please support the organization by gifting them something from their Amazon Wish List:
https://smile.amazon.com/hz/charitylist/ls/2Z5M21JXIECHT/ref=smi_ext_lnk_lcl_cl
Learn more about Children's Grief Awareness Month:
https://childrengrieve.org/awareness/children-s-grief-awareness
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As the calendar tuns to November, I am reminded that this is National Children's Grief Awareness Month. As such I wanted to call attention to an organization that is helping children deal with grief. This is extremely important to me as I lost my father when I was 10.
Rays of Hope Children’s Grief Centre is one of the only of its kind in the nation. It is a safe, neutral place for adolescents to do the work of grief. Children who have experienced loss due to death, separation, divorce, incarceration, deployment, or foster care are encouraged to participate. Through facilitated peer support groups, children share experiences, use creative arts as tools of expression, and acquire coping skills to work through the tough issues that accompany grief. Services are offered at no charge. Registration for programs and camps is required.
The Rays of Hope staff and its trained volunteers facilitate the peer support groups, camps, and other programming. All of our offerings are facilitated by compassionate adults who guide, listen and support the children as they express their feelings, fears, and confusion as they begin the healing process.
This week I welcome:
Jessi Morgan, LMSW—Director at Rays of Hope Children’s Grief Centre in Midland, TX
and
Jennifer Bilbrey---Mother of 3 from Midland, TX. She is a mother to a 13, an 11 year old and her oldest daughter, Kali, who passed away at 15.
It is great to have a wonderful conversation with those who are helping other deal with the trauma of grief and those who are willing to be vulnerable and share their stories with others.
Visit the Rays of Hope website: https://raysofhopemidland.org/
Please support the organization by gifting them something from their Amazon Wish List:
https://smile.amazon.com/hz/charitylist/ls/2Z5M21JXIECHT/ref=smi_ext_lnk_lcl_cl
Learn more about Children's Grief Awareness Month:
https://childrengrieve.org/awareness/children-s-grief-awareness
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
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voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I prepare for an annual photography gig I have in the next few weeks I am reminded of just how similar putting the pieces back together after losing someone is just like putting together a photo shoot.
The event I'm photographing is an annual event I've done for 4 or 5 years now and even though it's different each year, there are certain elements that stay the same. The program is the same, put the speakers as well as the attendees are different.
In grief there is sadness whenever someone dies, but the hurt is different because the relationship with each person who passes is different.
Even if I try to mirror the same environment for photo sessions that I'd like to be the same, there are still subtle differences based on weather, location and other factors.
Regardless of the situation, however, I'm constantly making adjustments to get the best pictures possible.
In life as you try to get back to some sense of putting the pieces back together, how do you adjust to situations that have you spiraling out of control?
Support the podcast by shopping on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/?tag=dealingwit066-20&linkCode=ez
Also the first episode of Grief Cafe, my collaboration with the Grief Dreams podcasts hosts Dr. Joshua Blacek and Shawn Ram is available.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have been asked how I try to move forward as quickly after a loss.
I have learned ho to compartmentalize things in my life. to put things into categories and not let them interact with other. But in theis episode of the podcast I come face to face with the fact that doesn't always work.
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
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voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes when we lose a friend we are driven to write a song about them.
Rachel Leycroft began piano lessons at seven years old and found her voice through songwriting at thirteen. Her lyrics became her diary for expression and healing, rarely shared with anyone outside of her notebook pages & piano keys.
Sixteen years later, upon the sudden death of a dear friend, she felt the undeniable need to bring a song to life in the recording studio for the first time. “Warrior” was written the day after her friend’s passing and she recorded the track as a gift to his daughter. The song honors his life and touches on universal feelings of grief. The experience sparked her desire to advocate for other areas of mental health through songwriting and gave her the most fitting reason to finally share her songs with the world.
Despite the serious messages her lyrics often convey, she focuses her production style on creating an enchanting and bright experience for the listener. Her heart resides in the airwaves between organic acoustics, pop and EDM.
The driving force behind Rachel’s music is her desire to evoke compassion toward ourselves and one another by sharing vulnerable experiences with the hope of encouraging connection and authenticity. she started a project called #lovethroughlyrics where she shares her lyrics along with the knowledge that has helped her through the darkest times. She hopes to accentuate the commonality of the human experiences we all share, both painful and beautiful, regardless of who we are, where we’re from, or which lens we see the world through. Her greatest wish is that the stories told within her songs provide hope and a source of connection for those who listen.
Rachel is an advocate for mental health & dedicates time to supporting those who are struggling.
Listen to "Warrior" (Original or Acoustic) on any music platform: https://fanlink.to/rachelleycroft_warrior
Instagram (@rachelleycroft): https://www.instagram.com/rachelleycroft/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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I have mentioned that I am also a photographer who mostly takes pictures of jazz musicians. One of the questions I am often asked is whether or not I play and instrument mysels. I simply say no.
This is not entirely true...
When I as in 5th grade, about 7 months before my dad died, he bought me a guitar and would take lessons after school. I continued to take lessons after he died until I entered hight school. Girls and cars were my new obsession.
A few years ago I came across my old guitar at my mon's hous and it brought back memories, and I decided I wanted to play again. This old guitar was in bas shape so I decided to buy a new one and get back into teaching myself how to play... but it was hard... there were so many memoires that I've found it hard to get back into it.
I've decided that this is something that I must do, because I enjoyed it too much. I just need to set aside time go get it done.
Question: What is someting you used to do that you want to get back into doing?
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
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voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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“I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains.”
–Anne Frank
This week marks the one year anniversary of my mothers death and as I have tried to figure out what I'm going to do on October 2 I am reminded of a question that comes up often in grief forums I belong to:
How do you mark the time since your loved one's passing?
For me, I don't... I can't - not if making the time means counting the days or the months since the day of their passing. That to me means that I have to actively think about and look forward to the next day or month and that never gives me time to move forward in my process. It makes me feel like I'k stuck in quicksand and the harder I fight to move forward, the more I get sucked in. I try to live life and just let the moments of grief happen, and deal with them as they come.
I will concede l, however, that I do remember the yearly anniversary of their death. That to me is like an internal clock that is a reminder leading up to the events of their death. A reminder that I've been able to deal with and hopefully grow just a little from the experience of having lost them.
I let grief come naturally with and try to process my emotions and just let the moment pass and do wht I think is appropriate. That could be a good cry or talking to others. Buty I can't intentionally go through the daily/monthly reminder of its been this many days or that many months.
My interview with mom: Episode 95
My reaction to mom’s passing: Episode 129
Do you mark time after someone passes? If so, how?
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
What happens when a widow establishes a relationship with the hospice social worker responsible for making her husband as comfortable as during his final days? They create a game designed to allow people to have tough conversations around death and dying, course!
LORI LoCICERO
Lori LoCicero is a freelance writer and the co-creator of The Death Deck. A creative storyteller and eternal optimist, Lori combines her personal stories of loss with her innate sense of humor to write about life and talk about death. She has written and directed independent films, documentaries, and a variety of live
gala events. Her upcoming memoir offers readers an intimate look at loss and her discovery of posttraumatic growth and was the catalyst for the creation of The Death Deck: a lively and humorous card game that inspires meaningful conversations on what matters most in our lives and in our deaths.
LISA PAHL, LCSW
Lisa Pahl is a Hospice Social Worker, ER Crisis Interventionist, and co-creator ofThe Death Deck. Lisa’s goal is to help people cope with illness, dying, and grief. With a passionate belief that peace at the end begins with meaningful conversations over time, she engages people in talking about and preparing for this difficult stage of life. Embracing a challenging but equally rewarding career as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in both the trenches of ER and within her
true passion working in hospice, Lisa has witnessed hundreds of deaths which have taught her innumerable lessons about truly appreciating life.
SOCIAL MEDIA INFO
Instagram & Twitter: @thedeathdeck
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thedeathdeck/
Website: www.thedeathdeck.com
Email: thedeathdeck@gmail.com
Buy a deck on Amazon:https://amzn.to/2RzsmmG
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When I'm not working my day job, I usually have a camera in my hand taking pics of allkind, either jazz musicians or anything I find interesting on the street.
Facebook reminded me that I took a picture of a homeless man 3 years ago. While the photography industry seems to look down on taking pictures of the homeless I look at them in the same light as children on the sindes of milk cartons.
See, when I was 10, no one asked me then or even since then "Why haven't I gotten over my fathers death?" I think as we give children a pass as we give them a little more sympathy because they are the innocent victims of losing a loved one. As I reflect on this, I realize that I was living in the moment after my dad's death.
I wasn't thinking about missing him when I was married of having children... I was only 10. I spent my time thinking about TOMORROW. That's all I could focus on... school, homework, TV, chores and playing (not necessarily in that order.) In that respect I think I'm fortunate.
Homeless \people are not as fortunate. They are shamed and blmed for the position they find themseves in and they should do more to try to better themselves. Almost in the same way adults should find ways to deal with the fact that death is a part of life and they should do more to "get over it,"
In a way, the homeless may not be any more responsible for where they are in life than those children on the side of the milk carton.
I thionk we need to pay equal attention to them all.
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
- Click here to subscribe on Android
- Click here to subscribe via RSS
- Click here to subscribe on Spotify
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice/message - (240) 778-5200
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I went through what I went through because God told me to go through it. - Allen Iverson
Two weeks ago, I questioned why people do the some of the things that they do... like go to church. I theorized that this was done because someone (our parents, probably) took you church at an early age and you got baptized (or went through whatever right of initiation your church has).
At some point you received the doctrine of your religion and that you were told that if you followed these teachings or this way of life, you would receive whatever the highest reward in that religion is... for Christians, this is heaven.
I never questioned this, until I was 10. What did I or my father do to deserve the fate that he received?
Nothing!!
Why did this happen? Surely a just God would not intentionally let his people live a life of struggle and strife.
As I pondered the quote by Allen Iverson referenced above, I must process the teachings of the church and see how it applies to me,. More importantly, if the central figure of Christianity had to pay the ultimate sacrifice, what makes me so special that I not go through any pain and suffering.
Announcement: I have a new podcast coming out with the hosts of the Grief Dreams podcast call Grief Cafe where we will discuss grief related topics.
You can find it here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-cafe/id1479286093
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Today I have a follow up conversation... a sort of health and welfare check with my good friend Shelby Forsythia.
Shelby Forsythia is the author of Permission to Grieve and podcast host of Coming Back: Conversations on Life After Loss. After the unexpected death of her mother in 2013, she became a “student of grief” and set out on a lifetime mission to explore the oft-misunderstood human experience of loss. Through her book, weekly podcasts, and one-on-one grief guidance, she helps grieving people find direction, get support, and cultivate radical self-compassion after devastating loss.
Shelby is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, Reiki Level II Practitioner, and Intuitive Grief Guide. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, Bustle, and Optimal Living Daily. She currently lives in Chicago.
Connect with Shelby: http://www.shelbyforsythia.com/ Get Permission to Grieve: * Paperback - https://amzn.to/37b8Q4O * Ebook - https://amzn.to/2rvXdXg
Listen to my previous conversation with Shelby:
http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-98
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
With the deaths of several people in early August 2019 in the events that took place in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio, I reexamine my view on gun gun control and what different wys in which I think we as a society can make a difference when it comes to mass shootings.
Are guns really the problem? Let me know your thoughts
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With children returning to school, how can we prepare schools to deal with children who've experienced loss over the summer?
I've received some listener feedback from a lady whose husband has died over the summer and their child is returning to school in a few weeks. she'd like to know how best to prepare her child. In my opinion it's best to prepare the environment first.
Here are just a few things that I would do:
- Contact the school an let them know the situation. You have experienced a loss in the family and your child may exhibit behaviors that are not usually associated with them. Discuss ways engage the child when this happens.
- Get students\school community involved. This could be a teachable moment for all involved. Students can learn that active grieving comes and goes I don't show "signs of grief" only in the immediate aftermath of the event. This is a perfect time to let the class know exactly how to support their grieving classmate.
- Let your child know that it's normal to grieve and whoto talk to at school if they need to talk to someone during the school day (teacher, counselor, etc.)
If you have things that have helped you cope, pklease let me know.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Today I welcome Alyssa Budinock to the podcast.
Alyssa is a Kripalu yoga instructor, podcast host, and end-of-life doula in training. She lives in Rochester, New York with her fiance and their beloved dog Blue.
Between 2017-2018 she experienced 5 significant losses in her family that ignited her deep curiosity in how people grieve, how they die, and how they live. She's a sucker for beautiful things like little streams, wildflowers, and garbage plates (it's a Rochester thing...).
Today she feels the most alive when she's dancing like crazy, experimenting in the kitchen, walking through cemeteries or having intimate conversations with strangers, loved ones, or herself. Alyssa is dedicated to living from a place of love rather than fear, and discovering more and more of who she is each and every day.
Connect with Alyssa here:
https://www.gravedancers.net
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One of the things I don't say enough is that I don't have any formal training in grief. I am not a therapist, psychologist, or grief counselor. All I have is my many experiences of dealing with loss in my life, beginning with the death of my father.
As I have so often stated, grief gives you an opportunity to learn more about yourself than you ever wanted to know. One must simply put aside their own biased opinion of what life "should" be like and confront the life they currently have. Examine one's self and ask the tough questions about how to move forward in grief.
I have for walked the walk and talked talk... someone recently told me I have grief "street cred". I can only assume that this means I am not someone who simply talks about grief in the third person. I've actually lived through the experiences I talk about on a weekly basis.
I seriously try to look at situations and scenarios that i experience and try to determine the best course of action to take. Do I always pick the best one? No... But I have to consistently evaluate the best we to move through the emotional mine field that grief leaves.
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This past week I lost a little faith in humanity. Let me explain.
Early in July 2019 a person I served in the army with lost his son suddenly. Unfortunately, after spending so much money trying to keep his son alive, he need money for whatever final arrangements the decided upon for his son. So the reached out to family and friend on Facebook and started a fundraiser.
Well, someone decided that they would set up a fake page and solicit funds from those people who had already donated. A few people donated to this fake page before determining from family members that it wasn't legitimate.
Now the family has to deal with the appropriate companies to resolve the situation as well as try to make arrangements for their son. Donors have to make sure they gave to the right page... it's a mess!
There is a special place for those who prey on people in need. I hope they get caught and are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
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This week, I have a conversation with Melissa Lynne.
Melissa’s mother died in March 2014 and everything changed in that instant...her priorities, her career, her purpose and passion, her outlook on life and death. She crumbled into a heap under the blankets and shut out the world, where she stayed for almost a year. The thing that brought her back and kept her going was returning to the page, returning to the written word, returning to something that felt like life. The words came through her body and soul and heart and gut and quite literally saved her life. She wrote her way back to a life she needed and wanted to live. She resurfaced with a fearlessness to look grief head on and to feel all of it...the pain, the insanity, the beauty and love, the snotty tears on the shower floor or the shoulder of the kind stranger at the grocery store. She gave herself permission to grieve and trusted herself to feel anything that came.
Today, Melissa’s grief lives in her body, in that place where love and creativity intersect. Where she blesses and honors it. Where it’s fed and watered. Where it’s shown darkness and sunshine. Where it is cherished. Where it leads her one day into the next.
Melissa is co-founder/curator/editor of Grief Rites Foundation, where she encourages the use of art as agency to survive through grief. Connection and storytelling are how she walks beside others who are feeling the loneliness and isolation of grief. She is a death doula and a grief specialist. She is currently writing a grief memoir. Melissa lives in Portland, Oregon with her 3 children, 2 cats and 1 dog. She thrives in words and water and trees and moss and mist.
Instagram: @breatheinbreatheoutlive
Instagram: @griefritesfoundation
Website: griefritesfoundation.org
Facebook: facebook.com/GriefRites
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The internet makes finding answers to answers to any question you could possibly have very easy to find... just type your question, hit enter and in milliseconds you have more answers than you might ever imagined.
When it comes to grief. looking for answers to questions such as how long will it hurt this much or what can I do to make the pain go away will give you various results that all worked for the people who wrote them. They may not work for you because even though there are similarities in how your loved ones died, everyone's grief story is a little different; maybe the dynamics around the support syste,s you have is completely different. The answers you get for Google and YouTube aren't really answers, but merely suggestions.
A few weeks ago, I spoke with Dr. Sarah Neustadter who is a psychologists who works with clients that are working through their grief and she stated that even in her studies, she didn't really learn much about grief, but did learn things to help people deal with trauma.
You can listen to that conversation here.
You may have to tweak some of the answers that you get see to fit your particular scenario. Some may find that you need to get completely out of your comfort zone and try something you thought you'd never be able to do.
Just remember - you aren't getting answers... you are simply getting suggestions. You have to put in the work and find what works for you.
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As I post this, I am in St. Louis... at my mom's house... finally going through her things.
As I spent 13 hours in a car driving here, I had a lot of time to think about this process; how hard it might be and the emotions i would face as I tried to determine what I would keep for myself, what I might offer to others and what I woulkd just get red of entirely.
It was difficult when I first got started but I decided it would be easier if I could establish a closer connection to mom while I was here. So I decided to change the linen on her bed and sleep in her room. It has been a very calming experience over the last few days... very calming emotionally. It has definitely taken the edge of what as been and emotional roller coaster.
I have to also take time to thank my family and friends who have supported me through this process. I have not been the easiest person to reach or to talk to in fear of having to answer the question of when was I going to begin the process ofg cleaning out mom's house. They are a truly amazing group of people,
I have found that I can do what I con and when it becomes too much, just take a break until you can do more. Eventually you'll reach your goal.
Thank you for supporting me through this process.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Latasha James is the founder of James + Park, a digital marketing company based in Detroit. She is also a YouTube content creator and host of The Freelance Friday Podcast.
Latasha talks candidly about the love she has for her father who became homeless after her parents separated. She explains how forgiving him is helping her move forward in her grief.
While he suffered with addiction to alcohol, she did as much as she could for him while he as alive and possibly even more after his passing.
Visit the James+Park website:
Listen to Latasha's podcast or watch her videos here.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This week, I've been listening to a new podcast, 'Grieving Overdose Death' by Susan Claire.
Susan is a listener to the podcast who decided it was time to tell her own lost story and to give a voice to others who like herself have lost a loved one to a drug overdose.
I have often said that if you have something to say, say it. You may not find support from the people you expected, but you will find support from the least likely of places... and your story with resonate with or even inspire others. Please find links to Susan's podcast below.
Listen to Susan's podcast on Apple Podcasts
Visit Susan's website
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Dr. Sarah Neustadter is a licensed psychologist based in Los Angeles, specializing in suicide prevention, loss, and grief, including those grieving the suicide of a loved one. She has over a decade of professional experience identifying and treating those at risk of suicide, especially teenagers. Sarah is passionate about helping others understand grief as an entryway into a deeper process of spiritual growth. She holds a bachelors degree from New York University’s Gallatin School for Individualized Study and a PhD in clinical and transpersonal psychology from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto, California. She is the author of Love You Like the Sky: Surviving the Suicide of a Beloved. You can learn more about Sarah here: http://www.sarahneustadter.com/.
You can find her book on Amazon: Love You Like the Sky: Surviving the Suicide of a Beloved.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This weekend I binge watched season 3 of the TV show Master Chef. The show is a competition for amateur cooks hosted by Gordon Ramsay (and other celebrity chefs) to determine who the best home cook for that season happens to be.
The aspect of this particular season that had me glued to my TV was the fact that one of the contestants was blind. How could someone without sight cook fancy meals in a short period of time?
She had to rely on the senses she had: taste, smell, hearing and touch. And not focus on the one sense she didn't have... sight.
Sometimes for me it's easy to get caught up on the things I don't have and not concentrate on using the things that I do have... that are often times right in front of me when it comes to coping with loss. It could be friends, family, or anything that is around me... I just lose focus on what I have and only concentrate on what's missing.
Sometimes I need to shift my focus.
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As the St. Louis Blues make a run at the Stanley Cup, the National Hockey League's (NHL) biggest prize, I took a moiment to look back at my time growing up in the city of St. Louis and my relationship - or lack thereof with hockey. Even though I am not the world's biggest hockey fan, I really want the Blues to win it all.
Growing up I was (and still am) a huge St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan. Hockey on the other hand was something I only watched if there was nothing else on t watch. I might have even listened to a game on the radio if I was trying to go to sleep and just wanted some type of background noise. But I never was really invested in the outcome of their games until now.
When it comes to supporting the St. Louis Blues hockey team, there are the true supporters of the team that have suffered through 49 years of NHL playoff frustration... having teams lose earlier than expected, games that should have been won but were lost, some years of not making the playoffs at all. I am really excited for thos people because they have provided support since day one.
Then there are the former players. The ones that are behind this team because the couldn't find a way to win the Cup themselves. It as a win for this current team is a win for them all. It's a beautiful thing.
Then there is the rest of us... we are only in it because something great is about to happen for the city, or because their has been a financial boost to the city or a specific business because the Blues have mad it this far. Support is only provided because there is something in it for us, even if it's a restored sense of pride for the place we call (or at one time called) home.
This brings me to grief... some won't provide support because they are invested in anyone's grief journey until they are forced to face loss themselves. Then they are all in... and expect other's to be there for them even thought they weren't always willing to be there for others. Grief is funny that way.
The reality is that grievers only want an outlet... someone to talk to... someone who will listen. We looking for people to fix things.
Just be present. That's all that's required
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This past week - Memorial Day weekend here in the United States, I had a chance to finally meet Dr. Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast (griefdreams.ca).
I took him to Arlington National Cemetery and we watched the changing of the guard at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It was a very powerful experience.
He happened to be in town to speak at a conference given by the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS).
Our discussion focuses on the cemetery visit and how his fathere's death lead to the pursuit of his doctorate degree in psychology.
For more information about TAPS, go to: https://www.taps.org/
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
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As I think about things that I have to do to settle mom's estate, I realize that once I go through the rest of her personal effects, I will go through another huge wave of emotions. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like. That's part of the future of my grief journey.
When I look back at where I started with the death of my father, I realize how far I've come. I know I can handle it. I know that grief will come and go. Some days will be fun and easy, and some days will be hard. I have learned this by looking back at the death of my father and realizing that I have come this far. I know that in the end, it'll all be OK. I know my past is currently helping the present portion of my grief journey cope.
Somehow, I'm fixated on the the future... and I shouldn't be. I need to let the anxiety of how I will feel finalizing some things go and live in the now, this current moment. I know that there will be other moments that will sting - like going back to visit St. Louis on future trips and not not seeing mom, or having the house be in a different state than in the last time she lived there... and of course, here not being there.
I need to keep telling myself to live in the now and let the feelings of the future just come when they come and deal with them then and not think about what I might feel ahead of time.
Also, you can now call/text the show: Call/text me at (240)778-5200
This week, I'm looking forward to Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast coming to Washington, DC for a conference. I'll finally get to meet him and hopefully sit down and put together some type of future episode of the podcast.
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I was drinking a glass of wine (that turned into the whole bottle) on Mother's Day, I starting thinking about things that she would say to me in the form of unsolicited advice - specifically about people would would call themselves my friends but were only hanging out with me because I had a car.
I didn't want to believe this to be true... after all I was simply becoming more popular as I got older. As it turned out, I got in trouble and lost access to the car for 30 days. With it my NEW so called friends disappeared.
With the advent of social media we tend to block people whio say things that we don't want to hear - even in grief.
I have a number of things that I need to take care of but have refused to do so because the emotional scars will be painful - but I have to get them done and the people who care for me have asked repeatedly about them. It's not that they want me to get over my mom's loss. They simply want my to move forward.
While I don't want to hear the advice, it's something that I need to hear and something that I do have to address sooner rather than later.
If you haven't already done so catch my Mother's Day conversation with Joshua Black and Shelby Forsythia here:
https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-kzduz-b0ec3a
Also, you can now call/text the show: Call/text me at (240)778-5200
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This week I had the honor of chatting with Dr. Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast (griefdreams.ca) and Shelby Forsythia of the Coming Back podcast (shelbyforsythia.com/comingback) about the importance of Mother's Day and how those of us who have lost our mothers will cope in the absence of Mom.
People have been reaching out to me asking what I'm doing this year for Mother's Day.
I will say a prayer for my mom, have a conversation with her... even if it's one sided and I'll do something that we'd normally do together. At least that is the plan.
"Plan" is the operative term. Just because I think that's what I want to do doesn't mean it'll happen that way. If I feel I need to switch it up, then I will. I encourage you to do the same. Make a plan and if it doesn't feel right, then change it and do something you're comfortable with. It could be meeting family or friends, or stayin home alone.
Finally... and I probably should have led with this...
Happy Mother's Day to all the ladies. every day is Mother's Day!
I love you, mom!!
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After seeing so many posts about time healing all wounds this bast week and with the NFL draft taking place, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to talk about that dirty little for letter "T" word again... time.
Teams look to the NFL draft to make there teams better. Instead of waiting for their allotted pick to come and hoping that the player they may want to select will still be available the take action - they trade up to get to get him. This may cost them other pick in this draft or future drafts. It may ever\n cost them someone that is currently on t.he team.
Time heals all wounds is only half of the equation that's only true a third of the time - yes, that is Darwyn math. But is simplty means that time AND action begin the healing process. even then it may not work out as expected or planned.
I think people believe that time works the same with grief as it does with a cut or wound - the body has its own way of healing itself in this instance. Blood clots, a scab forms, and cells regenerate. we do very little except keep the wound clean.
Take action and give it time to work - it may not happen immediately and it may not turn out exactly the way you planned... but you should provide some benefit.
My episode on grief being like a scab can be found here:
The Scab (and Scars) Left by Grief
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Today is the 41st anniversary of my father's murder. I hcan vividly remember everything that happened on this day back on April 24, 1978. Walking into the store and finding my father lying face down in a pool of his own blood.
The difference this year is that I have to face this one alone... mom is not hear for me to talk to. The force that used to calm me and help me somehow make sense of all of it in no longer with me; she is with my father.
For the first time in 41 years, they are finally together on what will be their 55 wedding anniversary on April 25, 2019
Mentally I feel like my emotions are like a steel ball in a pinball machine...they are all over the place. At least I can take solace in knowing that they are finally together again.
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This past weekend I participated in the 7th Annual DC Webfest, which showcases independent digital content creators in the areas of short films, web series, games, VR, podcasts and other areas. Surprisingly, the podcast won the festival's highest award for podcasting - the Gold Award.
I'd like to thank DC Webfest, 20/20 Productions and the judges who voted for the podcast. It was an honor to be included for selection with so many other great podcasts.
With that said, I made a stunning observation... people are listening to the message and with enough encouragement are sharing their own stories. during the presentation ceremony I found out that the festival's founder recently lost her mother to leukemia.
Many people were very interested in my story and really appreciated the conversation I'm continuing to spread around normalizing the conversation around grief.
The lesson - keep talking about it... don't be silent. You never know who might be listening or how you might be an inspiration for them to tell their story... if only to get something of their chest.
You don't have to be an author, blogger, or podcaster to make a difference. You just need a story - SHARE IT!
Don't be silent. Here are the stories of others who have shared their stories on the podcast:
Shelby Forsythia
Sheaya Biddle
Michelle Marek
Share your story whenever, wherever you can.
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I've been asked if I get depressed after doing an episode of the podcast and Ive been told by many people that they can't listen to my show because they get the vibe that it will be depressing and it'll make them sad.
I ask these people if they watch television shows like NCIS, Law & Order, This is Us, or even 48 Hours. If the aswer is "yes" then my follow up question is why do you watch a show where you know someone is going to die and watch to see how the criminal gets caught, but you don't care about how someone in real life is picking up the pieces after losing someone special in their life.
We do we rush to fake TV shows but not want to help real people that we know that are going through real life tragedy?
Inquiring minds want to know!
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Today I have a chat with Tom Biddulph.
Tom's blog, Good Grievings chronicles the several loss stories he's experienced throughout his life. As one who wrestled with if and how to share my own story, I was curious to discuss why he chose to blog about grief, or even speak about it in the first place.
As always, I'm always interested in discussing grief with other men.
You can find Tom's blog here: Good Grievings
Or connect with Tom on Twitter: @GoodGrievings
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Reach in you pocket, wallet, or purse and pull out a bill, for me that is a 20 dollar bill. Now look at it and frocus on the different element of the bill. Where was it made? Have you been there and if so how did you like it?
How are you going to spend that money? Put gas in the car, buy groceries, or pay bills. maybe you'll save it - who knows?
When my parents died, they were different things to different people - mother, father, daughter, son, brother, sister... you get the picture. So when my mom died I had to think about others, how was she going to be memorialized. What things did her sister and my cousins want or not want to do. It could be all about what I wanted to do.
Getting back to that bill that you are holding... you could spend it allon yourself or you could take part of that an do something for someone else - buy yourself lunch and spend the rest on a greeting card to brightens someone else's day.
Even though it is hard to think with your head while grieving, it is possible to think with your head and your heart... difficult, but possible. We can still be considerate of others and let them publicly remember our loved one even though we might have done it in a different fashion. Sometimes there is no right or wrong... it just is.
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes the things I plan don't come out as expected. This podcasr, for example, is edited before being released. You don't hear all of the umms, aahs, ands, or buts that I say during the episode's recording. The reason for this is that I've edited them out.
Grief is the same way... Sometimes, I put on a smile or tell people that I'm doing OK, but really I'm not. I'm simply masking my feelings because I don't want people to know that I'm hurting. I'm still trying to cope with the loss of my mother and I don't want others to know that I still haven't got that quite figured out.
How will I handle this?
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This week I share an amazing conversation I had with a woman who is teaching her children that it is OK to speak about your grief and that it's Ok to be vulnerable around your children when it comes to grief.
Rhiannon Jones is a writer, life coach and author of the book “The Web of Grief.”
She has written blog posts and articles for charities such as The British Heart Foundation as well as the mental health charity, Mind. After losing her brother suddenly and unexpectedly, she made the decision to not take life’s blessing for granted, to help people to live to their fullest potential and to support those who know the pain of grief. When not actively helping people through her work, she enjoys spending time with her three boys and husband, learning Spanish and usually has her head stuck in a book.
She is currently working on a new book to help people live their fullest, happiest and most authentic life by empowering them to grasp their potential and know their worth so that more lives aren’t wasted away until the day we all say farewell.
Her book can be found here: https://amzn.to/2Tvv7Z2
Rhiannon's Facebook page: https://facebook.com/rhijonescoach
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I had the opportunity ro watch one of my favorite movies, The Untouchables and to reflect on one of the key quotes of the movie for me...
"What are you prepared to do?"
This movie centers around Prohibition in America, a time when the manufacturing and consumption of alcohol was illegal.
Al capone establishes an illegal alcohol empire by manufacruing and selling liquor on the black market. Elliot Ness is a federal agent who enlists the help of Jim Malone, a Chicago police officer to help him catch and arrest Capone. Malone wants to know exactly what Ness is willing to do to convict Capone.
This phrase... "What are you prepared to do?" reminds me that in moving forward I might have to do things that I never thought that I should or could do in starting our continuing my grief recovery process - something I simply call "being comfortable being uncomfortable." It's being open to the possibility that you can live through your pain and just simply live again and that it might be difficult and painful doing so.
If you missed last weeks conversahtion with Anne Brener you can listen to it here: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-149
Finally, I was on WPFW 89.3, a Washington DC metro area radio station, discussing the loss of my parents and tools I've used to cope. You can listen to it here: https://lnns.co/_SvB7cRzYGZ
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
It is not often that I have a conversation with someone who has suffered multiple losses and has found the courage and the means to use it a way to help others who are going trough their own struggles.
Anne Brener is the author of “Mourning and Mitzvah: A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner’s Path Through Grief to Healing” first published in 1993 and now revised and expanded and published as a 25th Anniversary Edition from Turner Publishing.
An ordained rabbi, psychotherapist and spiritual guide who serves on the board of the Aleph (AH-lef) Alliance for Jewish Renewal, Rabbi Brener takes the hand of modern mourners to gently guide them through the mourning process. With MOURNING & MITZVAH, she offers real solutions for healing.
While still in her early twenties, losses included the suicide of her mother, followed three months later, by the death of her 19-year-old sister in a car accident, her only sibling. What began with the personal journal of her own struggle for healing, became a bestselling book, which weaves her own journey and those of many whom she has nurtured into the template provided by ancient Jewish wisdom. She is a speaker and writer, whose book has helped thousands heal.
“MOURNING & MITZVAH” is available here: https://amzn.to/2tC7zlQ
For more grief related resources, please visit: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The Washington Post has a longtime running advertising tagline, "If you don't get it, you don't get it."
I always thought that this meant if you didn't subscribe to or read the Washington Post newspaper tyou were missing out on the best news you could get about the DC metro area and the most political news possible. Now, as it relates to my grief journey, it simply means that that unless you've been through your own grief journey, you don't truly have an understanding of what it's like to go through this.
But as I reflect on my grief journey, there are some things that people still don't get about grief and some things that I I don't understand why grief is still a taboo subject to talk about... until it's not.
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sam Feldman and Ken Levy are members of the National Widowers' Organization. It's an organization created by Sam to help men deal with their grief by talking about it with other men.
we have a candid discussion about losing a spouse, finding companionship after loss and the act of moving through your grief by sharing your experiences with other widowers.
for more information about the National Widowers' Organization visit: https://nationalwidowers.org/
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When my dad died, I struggled moving forward because I couldn't let go... not of my father, but of the things that kept me from living - fear, anger, revenge, uncertainty.
I had to let those things go in order to mentally and emotionally let myself live.
I have to now retrain my brain to do the same thing in the absence of my mother.
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I returned to work for the first time THIS YEAR after the longest government shutdown in U.S. history.
Usually when the government shutdown happens ist only for a day or to until these things get resolved, but not this time... the shutdown lasted 35 days. No one was prepared to go that long without receiving a paycheck.
So this week I reflect on the uncertainty presented with grief as it relates to the recent shutdown, and is it possible to prepare for such things.
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A few weeks ago I spoke to a widow who's support system disappeared after she lost her husband. Today, I welcome a guest who's support system vanished in the course of 15 months... yes, months because they all passed away!
Sandy Rocourt is a creative writer, speaker, and strategic
transformational educator, who helps clients turn the tragedy of
loss & heartbreak into the strength needed to rebuild their lives.
Sandy is currently completing her memoir by winter of 2019.
After going through multiple traumatic losses in a short 3-year
span, Sandy found triumph when she discovered a library of
personal development books that her now deceased sister had
collected. Her journey of self-discovery led Sandy to become a
graduate of the acclaimed Robbins-Madanes life coach training
program and dedicate her life to empowering others to develop
their own toolbox to overcome life’s storms.
Today, Sandy works with clients through group coaching and
speaking engagements to teach you how to move beyond the pain
of grief and loss in order to create happiness, build stronger
relationships, and live with intention and fulfillment.
Connect wiith Sandy at https://sandyrocourt.com
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
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Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
Mother Teresa
3 years ago I embarked on a journey inspired by two people:
One who inspired me to tell my story - this person still has no idea of this and Dave Jackson,from the School of Podcasting who introduced me to the medium through which to tell it.
At the time I just wanted to get some things off of my chest. Things that I had been carrying around at that time some 38 years. Just to be able to clear my head of some things that I will carry forever, some things that I won't be able to let go off... things I'll never be able to forget!
January 2016 was the beginning of feeding myself mentally from feelings I'd been suppressing for years but never trully talked about with anyone exept for an annual conversation I would openly have with my mother on the anniversary of my father's death. Other times I might have asked vailed questions about life that might have been derectly related to my father, parthly because I didn't want her to think that I was not doing will in the aftermath of his death, Maybe I just wanted to know that she was still thinking about him too.
What started as what some might call therapy sessions with myself changed in May or June of 2016 when I received and email from the widow of Darwin Cooke, a cartoonist and writer and illustrator for DC Comics. I had mentioned him in one of my episodes and she proceeded to tell me a little of how she was coping with her loss. That was validation that people where listening, and somehow my words and this podcast were resonating with people.
Istarted this show to feed one person... to inspire one person to keep moving forward - me. but it has turned into something greater than myself.
Thank you so much for listening and continuing on htis journey with me!
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I mentioned, I am going to use this platform more to give others an opportunity to speak out about their experiences moving through the grief process. This week I have a discussion around being abandoned by those you thought would be your biggest supporters.
Michelle Marek was born and raised in Maryland and grew up poor Her parents always pushed her to have a better life than them. She fought for everything she's accomplished, including RN BSN degrees, mother of 2 sons. Her second marriage was to the love of her life, something she never thought she would have. Their marriage wasn't perfect but it was theirs. Sadly they didn't get their forever story. Her life now is about helping widows to not feel abandoned like her while trying to rebuild her life
Michelle is a member of the Grief Share support group: https://www.griefshare.org/
For grief related resources go to: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/grief-resources/
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
- Click here to subscribe via Apple Podcasts
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As the calendar has turned to 2019 I have a few things that I have found true about grief that I need to remember from time to time.
-
Grief is a marathon and not a sprint... that never ends. It has no finish line. We will carry our loss forever.
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You will fall off the wagon. At some point you will see something or do something that will remind you of a loved one. Like hearing a favorite song that was special between the two of you.
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Speaking of songs just like the one's you listened to in in high school... it's ok to be happy, to laugh and fondly reminisce about good times with your loved one.
4.People may say things that are insensitive or may seem insensitive, but that is not the intent of those people. Sometimes they just don't know what to so, but more importantly they don't know that it's OK to say nothing but just listen.
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The quickest path to moving forward is to be proactive... If you wait for the world to come rushing to you to help you move forward. That may not happen.You have a voice ... use it. You must let people know what you need or how to help you when you are actively grieving. I'm online a lot and see people preaching to the choir. The people in online groups know what your going through because you have a shared experience with them. Your friends and co-workers may not
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There is no magic potion that makes everything better right away. Give them time to work and then try different things. The coping mechanism you use will work until... they don't. Sometimes you'll find out that you just can't mentally get those coping mechanisms to work and when you can't, you have to...
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Just go thought it. If only to prove to yourself that you can.
Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I waited until just a few minutes ago - just now - to record this episode... I've been struggling with how I would feel about Christmas without being able to speak to my mother. This is something I have spoken about in the last few weeks. I wanted to get the ray, fresh emotions of the day.
To be honest, I cried a little when I woke up on Christmas but then I decided I need to so things down a little and do some things that incorporated my mother and my grandfather into this holiday. So I made home made wine and ice cream... skills I got from my grandfather.
When my mother was here in June, I asked her to help me with a modified wine recipe that was one of my grandfather's favorites - a raisin wine. It was my intention to bottle it this Christmas and have her taste the first bottle. Unfortunately, since she is no longer here I had to bottle it by myself... and I'll wait until next year to start drinking it. I can't wait!
The mint chocolate chip ice cream turned out well. Doing things that required time and patience... things that slowed things down for me made the day go by a little smoother than I thought I would. I was pleasantly surprised.
Next year I am committed to helping those who are stuck and trying to find/interact with their support system. We can't always wait for people to reach out to use. Sometimes we need to be proactive in seeking the help that we need. Awareness and communication is key.
Finally, I arranged for a series of discussion so that others may share their story. Maybe one of them may resonate with you!
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I will not focus on the "firsts" as this is the first Christmas without my mother. There are a lot of people who make a big deal of telling me this. Instead I will focus on the way that she lived.
I will pay special attention on making sure to carry on the traditions that we have during the Christmas holiday: exchanging gifts with family, calling those that are not close, and simply enjoying the day as best as I can.
The thing that I'll miss most is not hearing her voice, especially her voice. I've always at least been able to talk to her even if I couldn't see her.
Until this year.
I'll use every coping mechanism in the book to deal with that... until they don't work.
Then I'll simply have to go through it.
The lesson here is that it'll be tough, but I can do it.
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Last week for the first time I had a dream about someone who was deceased... it was a dream about my mother.
It was a dream about a family tradition that we had of opening Christmas presents after Midnight Mass. Now the strange thing is that I didn't let the dream play out because I got so freaked out that I was having this dream that I woke before it ended.
Even stranger is the fact that during the last visit that I had with my mom before she went into the hospital I felt my dad's presence in the car with me on several occasions as I drove to different places throughout the city. I wonder if this is the man who came to "see" my mother the night before she died... the person who told her she was going to die.
During my dream before I woke we did in fact exchange gifts but woke before we opend them. I'm a little upset to not know what the gifts were.
In the end I don't think the gifts were important. I believe it was a way of telling me that it was OK to celebrate the season - not to get upset and caught up in the fact that she isn't here.
While I will mess her physical presence, I will miss her voice even more. I saw her sporadically over the years, mainly at Easter and Thanksgiving or Christmas but we'd talk regularly so it is the sound of her voice I'll miss the most.
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Life is painful... as a baby we probably feel our first pain when we are teething. Our gums swell and maybe turn red as our teeth begin to push their way through. Parents try all types of remedies to ease this pain... teething rings or home made remedies like brandy or whiskey
During adolescence, we experience "growing pains" whether the psychological process of wanting to do/be more than we are allowed or suffering from the physical condition that some people have where the bones grow at a faster rate than their muscles are able to stretch.
When we plant seeds the process of becoming a plant is difficult and filled with obstacles. They require water and must begin life by breaking through their outer shell fighting to get though the dirt/ground so they can benefit from the light of the sun. But not so fast... if left in their natural environment some plants would have an extremely difficult time surviving. they might get choked out by weeds or eaten by animals. So we help them out by putting them in gardens where we weed out the things we don't want and protect them with fences to keep deer and other animals from getting to them.
Grief is the same... you learn more about yourself that we ever wanted to know.
We used to get loved one's reassurances that things would be OK, or that we've taken the right course of action. They were our fencing from the outside world providing us physical or emotional protection. Now they are not here.
If we' really think about it in our time of need, we already know what they would tell us... it just hurts not to hear THEM tell us
From seeds, to sprouts, to full grown plants or trees - through torrential downpours and the blistering heat of summer. Plants survive... and continue to grow and eventually through their seeds begin life anew.
Through our grief we have the same ability to grow if we first realize we must first break through the shell of fear of pain and acknowledge that you want to begin living again in the best way possible without our loved ones physically present in our life.
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Dealing with my mother's personal things after her death is something I began the process of doing during the 2018 Thanksgiving holiday and it was easier than I thought it would be... until it wasn't. sometimes I had to stop and step away for a few minutes until emotionally I could continue going through things.
It was the drive back to DC that I started to process other things. It wasn't until then that I realized grief is like a road trip. When driving, as I pass from one stat to the next the physical make up of the road changes - from asphalt to cement, from bumpy to smooth. There is debris and construction. I have to learn how to navigate through all these will dealing with weather. Sometimes I need to wear sunglasses, sometimes I need to use headlights or windshield wipers - or both.
The thing I need to remember is that I need to recognize when to use which tool.
Grief is the same way, in that there are many obstacles to navigate. We need to look deap within ourselves to determine what tools work best in which situations to help us along our grief recovery journal.
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As I prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday, I reflect on the things for which I'm grateful. I'm am grateful for the love and support shown me and for those who have lifted me up in this time of need. I'm also grateful for the people that surround me with love and lift me up during difficult times.
I speak a lot about time... I'm grateful for the time I've received with my loved ones who have preceded me in death - mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents. The time that I was given to know and learn from them and to make lastimg memories has helped shape me into who I am today. In hind sight, I wouldn't change any of it.
Even thought the holidays may be painful, be grateful for something.
As much as possible, have a happy holiday season. If possible try to fgind a way to incorporate your deceased loved one(s). as much as possible. It keeps their memory alive.
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Mental health is a topic that is not discussed often enough. On today's show, I'd like to welcome Nancy Eigel-Miller to discuss the work she is doing to educate others in concerning this topic.
Nancy founded the James W. Miller Memorial Fund in 2010 after losing her husband Jim to suicide in 2008. She spent her career in the marketing/market research arena but the call to educate about mental health issues to the youth population pull her in that direction. Her mission is to change the conversation about mental health among the areas youth.
Nancy is based in Cincinnati, Ohio.
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As the holiday's approach I have been asked about how I will be affected by the loss of my mom.
I'll be OK... I'm doing much better than I thought I'd be at this time. Maybe because I've learned how to process my feelings. Maybe because in some small way missing the holidays during other times in my life have prepared me for life without her.
Question: How long do you wait before you go through your love ones possessions? Inquiring minds want to know!!
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As the death certificate from my mother arrived this week, I've re-evaluated a lot of feelings I've had since her passing.
The irony is I'm dealing with handling her affairs as an only child and while I've never had siblings, I wonder what this process would be like if I could share the load with someone else.
In believing that no one would reach out to support me, or should I say my mother in this process, I was wrong. They did - in droves. The irony is, I had to step away from it for a little bit... it was overwhelming.
Question: How long do you wait before you go through your love ones possessions? Inquiring minds want to know!!
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Once again I have been plagued by the concept of time.
When I was 10 I began marking time since my father passed and in reflecting back on his death and having begun the process of processing my mother's loss, I realize that I won't do the same with her loss.
When dad died I didn't know what I didn't know about loss: I would have a child that would never know him, or that I would have certain experiences that I would not be able to share or get advice from him. Each year that passed simply marked another year that I was able to "grow" without him.
My mother's death was different.. I had her for 51 years. She taught me and gave me everything she could... really everything I needed. The only thing that we really had left was, well, time.
Time the spend together and do our favorite things, just to make more memories.
I think about time now and I have listened to Hootie and the Blowfish song 'Time'. I had never really given the lyrics much thought until my mother passed.
Here is a link to the song: Time - Hootie and the Blowfish
Song lyric:
Time why you punish me?
Like a wave bashing into the shore
You wash away my dreams
Time why you walk away?
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me crying
Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow?
And all the pain and sorrow running free?
'Cause tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in time
Time I don't understand
Children killing in the street
Dying for the color of red
Time hey, there red and blue
Wash them in the ocean, make them clean
Maybe their mother won't cry tonight
Can you teach me about tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow running free?
But tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in
Time is wasting time is walking
You ain't no friend of mine, I don't know where I'm goin'
I think I'm out of my mind, thinking about time
And if I die tomorrow, just lay me down in sleep
Time is wasting time is walking
You ain't no friend of mine
I don't know where I'm goin'
I think I'm out of my mind, thinking about time
Time you left me standing there
Like a tree growing all alone
The wind just stripped me bare, stripped me bare
Time the past has come and gone
The future's far away
And now only lasts for one second, one second
Can you teach me 'bout tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow, running free?
'Cause tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in time
You ain't no friend of mine
I don't know where I'm goin'
I think I'm out of my mind
Walking, wasting
You ain't no friend of mine
And I don't know where I'm goin'
No don't know
[Incomprehensible] is just
Wasting, wasting, wasting time
Time why you punish me?
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Thank you to everyone who has given support to myself and my family in this difficult time following the death of my mother. I appreciate the the love I've received from my immediate and extended family, my friends - many of whom I haven't seen in years, and those of you who know me exclusively through this podcast. I am amazed at the number of emails, text messages, social media posts, etc. that have been seen to my or about my mom. It is greatly appreciated.
I'd like to give a special thanks to Shelby Forsythia of the Coming Back podcast for publicly acknowledging my mother on her podcast a few weeks ago and honoring her with a moment of silence on her show.
Thanks also to Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast who was able to provide comedic relief and help me to remember that we can find laughter and joy during difficult times.
One f the questions Joshua asked was how my grief journey would be different for my mom. Would it be similar to any feelings I had when my dad died. I can say that I wiill probably process this loss faster.
I liken it to hiking and having multiple trails that lead to the same destination. Each path has different elements to navigate... some are rockier while others may have more hills - and some are longer than others. Of, course the scenery is very different.
I think I'm on a shorter path of my journey this time. I have learned who I am and I wil be able to process some things faster as an adult than I did when I was 10.
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On October 2, 2018 I lost my rock.
After 40 years, my mother was finally reunited with my father. I can only imagine the conversation the two of them are having and the amount of catching up that they have to do.
I am saddened that my mother is not here any longer tyo be with me, but she left with nothing left to give. All of her love and every lesson - I got it all.
Thanks for all the love and support I've received and a special thanks to my tremendous family. I could not have done most of the things I did remotely for her without them being my eyes and ears while I was 850 away trying to take care of my mother.
I LOVE YOU MOM AND I MISS YOU ALREADY!
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As I write this, my mother is lying in a hospital bed resting comfortably. I am facing the fact that one day she won't be here... the first time in my life I have really thought about it.
And now, I can't stop thinking about it... That one thought is now affecting every aspect of my life - work, family, friends, relationships... EVERYTHING!!
I talk myself out of hitting rock bottom.
I have always been one who has been able to compartmentalize life and not have certain area effect others. Like some people don't like their vegetables touching on their plate.
Right now right now grief is like my mashed potatoes and its touching everythng else on my plate of life... and I don't like the taste!
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I often have to remind myself that when implementing new strategies in my grief recovery process, I am actually making an investment that I must give time to work and produce results.
I must be patient and give these processes time to work. I must also realize that I may not always get the desired result. That's OK because I can always devise new strategies to help me get though the rough times when old processes stop working.
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I received an email that stated that this podcast felt it gave them permission to go to the space that they needed to grieve.
Permission is something that you need to go on field trips in school. When it comes to things that nourish your body... food, water, or in this case confronting you emotions, there is no need to seek permission. You do what you need to in the moment or as soon as possible to processes those feelings and confront them before things get out of hand and become too overpowering.
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I've seen a number of posts in social media that deal with the lack of support that people feel they should be getting from their loved ones, friends and colleagues.
I personally am a people watcher. I'm in a way fascinated by what people do and how they act in certain situations.
After the death's of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain every one I know had some type of suicide prevention hotline number posted on their social media feeds/timelines. After two weeks, this stopped!
Did people all of a sudden just stopped committing suicide? No, something else happened in the 24 hour news cycle - I don't know what is was, but whatever it was it rendered suicide prevention non news worthy. Those people who posted about these tragedies move on to the next new thing.
People who are grieving are treated differently, however. We are expected to to not have anything to say about or pain - or if we do, just keep it to ourselves while others have the right to opt into and out of the grief space at their leisure...
Thus is called "the hypocrisy of grief."
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I've got a lot of things going on in my life and have barely had time to breathe. I'm trying to help my mother take car of some things and I've got work and life related things of my own that I'm dealing with.
I don't know how I'll manage everything... sometimes it seems overwhelming. It is in those moments that I have to tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I may not know when or how, but if I say it, and believe it, then everything will work out for the best. I don't know when or how - but I know that everything in the end will be just fine.
If you think negative thoughts, then you are already defeated.
Stay positive in the midst of the storm you are going through.
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Often my thoughts get jumbled in my head. I can't seem to keep things straight sometimes, because my mind is a cluttered mess.
A few months a go, I decided to to start writing - journaling if you will - about things I've been thinking about. Mostly grief related topics that I'd like to discuss on the podcast. The idea was to get things down on paper, someplace where all my thoughts would be in one place... a place whre I could come back and process everything that was going on in my mind a particular place and time in life. A spce would be created that was for me and only me where I could write exactly what I'd want and not be judged by others - a place where I could be completely honest.
The process has helped. I have been able to release things that I need to get out in the moment and come back, process my writings and amend my thoughts (maybe). But in the end , it helps me shape my thoughts for the things I should be doing in my life and it allows me to release some stress and give better focus and attention to other areas of my life.
I have designed a journal that fits perfectly in a handback or backpack... take a look here:
All details and procing are on the website.
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I needed to visit the St. Louis at the last minute last week and I had the opportunity to visit my dad's grave... but I didn't go alone.
I decided to take my mother with me, because I knew that she hadn't been in a while and I was unsure of what would happen. As it turned out, we ended up having a family meeting.
My mother talked abaout how I was taking over some of the things that she had been doing for years, and I talked about my son's upcoming birthday.
I wish he was closer to town so we could see him often, but in the end it's rewarding to know that I have to carve out a slice of time just to visit him!
How often do you get to the cemetery and how does it make you feel?
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I have been asked on several occasions if there is ever truly be happy after loss.
The answer to that question is a simple - YES! Getting there however, may not be as simple as it sounds.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A few weeks ago I asked for listener feedback on how you felt when people say you look like your deceased loved ones - and here is what you said!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This episode in dedicated to the memory of my cousin, Chris.
Last week Facebook brought up a memory in the form of a picture of me with chipped teeth when I was about 12 or 13. I had chipped my teeth playing a game with my friends.
The pain of the fall I took didn't last long but eating or drinking was difficult to say the least as I would get a crazy sensation that would run through my mouth.
Dealing with this grief is much like that pain I felt. Much like I had to endure some pain in order to eat, I could develop some strategies to make it hurt less. I had to do the same thing with my grief... develop strategies to help the loss hurt less while realizing it wouldn't completely go away.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
No into/outro music today... Just the bare bone basics to produce this podcast.
Why?... Because a listener wanted to know how to get back to "normal" after grief. What is the new structure of life or their day going to look like.
Sometimes we don't need to put on the window dressing to mask how we feel in our grief. It's not essential to who we are and how we really feel. So I used no music in the podcast today to illustrate that point. While the structure of the podcast is different. the overall message is the same. In grief we feel pain regardless of what face we wear in public our how bubbly we attempt to sound when dealing with others.
We don't always need to fit into some one else's expectation of who we should become after our grief.
Just be you... whomever, you are in your grief. Just remember to take time to take care of yourself. Even if you take care of other's physical needs, work on your emotional needs first before reaching out to others... you can't help others if you dont't help yourself first.
Question... How do you feel whem people tell you you look like your deceased loved one. I often want to tell people this but I don't know how it would make them feel. Send me an email at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com or leave me a voicemail at http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Finally, the podcast as been listed as one of 6 podcasts to help you cope with grief by AK Lander. You can check out the entire list here: https://www.aklander.co.uk/news/6-grief-podcasts-to-help-you-cope-with-loss
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Ellen Threatts is the author of Four Seasons of Love and Grief. A native of Youngsville, LA Ms. Threatts works, volunteers, plays and writes about community, life, loss, healing and loving those around. While working with those who suffer from mental health issues compassion and servitude cemented the idea of her creating a non-profit for grieving adults and children. While still in its early stages pairing the soles of the feet, the soul of healing hearts surrounded by nature’s landscape will keep Ms. Threatts active and engaged.
In our conversation, Ellen speaks about using writing, hiking, church, and memories oh her husband Troy as the ingredients to her grief recovery "gumbo".
iTunes playlist of songs Ellen mentioned during our talk resulted in a broken link that I could not fix. If I can get it working, I will get it working at a later date.
Question... How do you feel whem people tell you you look like your deceased loved one. I often want to tell people this but I don't know how it would make them feel. Send me an email at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com or leave me a voicemail at http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
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web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Facebook - https://facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief
Instagram - https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Special Announcement:
You can now support the show by shopping on Amazon with this link:
https://amzn.to/2JM5LjT
Dealing With My Grief is now an Amazon associate and as an associate I earn from purchases you make on Amazon. You pay nothing extra ... just shop on Amazon by using the above link. The small commission I receive will help fund the show! Thank you!!!
In other breaking news, I'm now on instagram at: https://instagram.com/dealingwithmygrief
Please follow me for inspirational quotes and thoughts. Thank you.
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
I have noticed a theme in a lot of the spaces that I visit where denying a belief in God is rooted in the fact that the god you believe in wouldn't allow your loved one to die when and/or how they did.
Our parents attenpt to teach us things that we may not understand until later in life. We don't understand it at the time or we may me confused in term of what we are to receive from the lesson, but at some point we understand the value in the lesson itself. We at this point have an "Ah ha" moment of clarity in its understanding.
Why can we not do the same thing when it comes to God an our religious/spiritual beliefs? After all there are a lot of us that only turn to God when we need/want something and will only appreciate it if it is manifested in the manner that we see fit. But where are we when we need to show gratitude for the things that we have?
R.E.M. - Losing My Religion video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Special Announcement:
You can now support the show by shopping on Amazon with this link:
https://amzn.to/2JM5LjT
Dealing With My Grief is now an Amazon associate and as an associate I earn from purchases you make on Amazon. You pay nothing extra ... just shop on Amazon by using the above link. The small commission I receive will help fund the show! Thank you!!!
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
Bri Seeley is a born catalyst and natural truth-teller with a history in counseling, psychology and entrepreneurship. Despite her two degree’s in fashion design, she was unknowingly taken down the path of healing and transforming lives through a series of “accidents,” “coincidences” and divine guidance. She combines personal experience, psychological concepts, hypnotherapy and Universal Laws with over a decade of coaching and counseling expertise to support people in turning their lives of ‘should’ into the lives they’ve always dreamed of. Her specialty is truly helping people accelerate their destiny and become their future selves today.
Bri talks candidly about the trauma caused by the actions of her father in her life and his suicide. The fact that they had become estranged led her to believe she didn't have to grieve his loss.
She later realized she needed to confront his loss in order to carry on in other aspects of her life
Connect with Bri here: https://www.briseeley.com/
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voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Special Announcement:
You can now support the show by shopping on Amazon with this link:
https://amzn.to/2JM5LjT
Dealing With My Grief is now an Amazon associate and as an associate I earn from purchases you make on Amazon. You pay nothing extra ... just shop on Amazon by using the above link. The small commission I receive will help fund the show! Thank you!!!
Now back to our regular program:
Sometimes it's nice to reflect on the milestones we reach with grief. Today I sit down and discuss memories of my dad with the guys from the Grief Dreams podcast.
Last year I did a special episode with Joshua Black and Shawn Ram of the Grief Dreams podcast (griefdreams.ca) and it turned out so nice that I wanted to do it again.
Joshua is researching grief dreams as a PhD. student at Brock University in Ontario, Canada his co-host Shawn walks us through the deaths of our fathers and how we've handled, or plan to handle our losses in the future.
It was nice to chat and get a different perspective on how people deal with their grief journey and maybe store some of their techniques in coping with grief away just in case you need to try something new along your grief journey.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
My grandfather loved 3 things; dying eggs at Easter, making ice cream, and making wine. A few years ago I decided I would stasrt making wine using some of his recipes.
While my mother was here, I decided I'd start a batch of wine using one of his recipes with her help. It was a great time together. We shared fond memories of him while doing something that he loved to do!
Then as I often do, I started to ask myself. "How, if at all, does this relate to grief?"
Grief is like the empty bucked that we start out with in the wine making process. It's empty... lile we might be when we first lose someone, EMPTY inside. But we know that from that we'd like to end up with something that is as close to a "normal" life as possible. From that bucket we want to turn that emptiness into wine!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I didn't get an opportunity to record an episode last weekend... After going through a week where I lost my ATM card and went through hell to get home from a simple surprise trip on Mother's Day, I had a tree branch fall through - yes through the roof of my house! Trying to get that fixed and prepare for my mother's visit - coupled with the loss of electricity for several hours just didn't afford me the time th get the podcast done.
While I strive to get an episode out every week this week for my own sanity I need to triage my life, and the podcast was the casualty. I needed to take care of ME first last week and I had to decide on the one thing wouldn't get done... I'm okay with that choice, after all, family comes first!
Thanks also to everyone who sent in feedback on the question about leaving deceased people in your contacts! I'll have to ask thought provoking questions more often!
Here is a George Carlin standup routine on the subject: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=miY0QSgtfq4
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This past weekend, I surprised my mother for Mother's Day on what was supposed to be a very short mainly uneventful weekend.
However, trying to get back to DC turned out to be nightmarish:
- I had to fix a lock I inadvertently broke
- My debit card got eaten by an ATM machine
- My flight got cancelled - TWICE - and delayed TWICE!
After finally getting on a plane 28 hours after I was originally scheduled I was exhausted to say the least... Then I realized life, like grief can sometimes be exhausting! How you deal with it makes all the difference in the world.
Also please continue to send feedback on what you do with the contact information of your decesed loved ones... do you delete them from you phone, email, social media - or do you keep them? Why do you d what you do? I'll share my finding on the May 23 episode of the show. Send me an email at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com.
Here is a link to last weeks episode: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-110
Finally, congratulations to fellow podcaster and previous guest Shelby Forsythia, host of the 'Coming Back' podcast. Her podcast is now officially on year old!You can check out her podcast at http://www.shelbyforsythia.com/comingback/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I look through my phone, I have come across the names of 3 individuals who've died... one as long as 10 years ago! But no matter how hard I've tried, I can't bring it upon myself to delete their contact information from my phone.
I know they aren't coming back... I've watched them be burried. I'v been to their homes and kne that they aren't on this earth any longer!
I just don't know why there is a certain finality to removing theme from my contact list, especially when I have other things to remember them by!
Do you have contacts of you deceased loved ones still on your phone? If so, why? Send me an email at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com and let me know who they are and why you keep them on the list.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes I have to pay what I owe... I lost a bet to my Canadian friends from the Grief Dreams podcast (griefdreams.ca) and now I have to pay up!
We had a bet on the first round NBA basketball playoff series between the Washington Wizards and Toronto Raptors. Whoever's team lost team lost would have to congratulate the other team on their victory in their podcast. And now I must do just that...
Congratulations to the Toronto Raptors!
Now there, I've done it and it's over.
I had a chat with the guys from that podcast and they wanted to know if I could come up with an episode about grief and basketball. I was hesitant at first - and them I realized that I could probably relate any topic to grief. So here is my comparison between grief and basketball...
Sometimes things don't always go you your way. In those instances you have to find a way to go other thing (sometimes what people call the little things) to help yourself win. If you can seem to make shots, play better defense. In grief, if you can't seem to get out of the funk that is brought by grief. Try to do something different than you're doing already to try to take care of your self. It may take some time but eventually you'll find a winning combination.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
April 24, 2018 marks the 40th anniversary of my dad's death... April 25 would have been my parents 54th wedding anniversary.
I thought today would be a very painful one for me. But the words of a priest honoring someone else's loved one would touch me in ways that I couldn't imagine. His words took the sting out of the pain.
I decided to homer my dad by hosting a Facebook live event in the Grief Resilience group where people could talk on and speak about their loved one if only for a minute to honor them and keep there memories alive! It was a great time and an amazing space. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.
While I do hurt, the sting from his loss hurts a little less this year, all because of the king words of a pastor and the community of others who are grieving!
Dad, I love you and I miss you everyday.
Thanks to all those who reached out to me to check on me this month... it is greatly appreciated. And a special thanks to those who choose to share their own stories as a means of fighting through their grief and in some small way helping others.
I love you all.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Today I have the honor of speaking with someone about loss as a result of suicide...
Sebastian Slovin grew up in La Jolla, California and traveled extensively as a professional bodyboarder. As a young boy, Sebastian lost his father to suicide, which would later deeply inspire his path in life. He holds a BA in Environmental Policy from San Diego State University and an MA in Leadership Studies from the University of San Diego. He and his wife, Sonya, founded Nature Unplugged, which focuses on cultivating wellness through healthier relationships with technology and a deeper connection to nature. He's recently launched a memoir, Ashes in the Ocean, a reflection about living through and learning from his father’s suicide. When he is not writing or working on Nature Unplugged, Sebastian enjoys swimming, bodysurfing, surfing, and stand-up paddling (and pretty much all things) in the wild Pacific Ocean.
When he is not writing or working on Nature Unplugged, Sebastian enjoys swimming, bodysurfing, surfing, and stand-up paddling (and pretty much all things) in the wild Pacific Ocean. Link to Ashes in the Ocean: https://amzn.to/2q4F0LC Connect with Sebastian: Web: https://www.sebastianslovin.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SebastianSlovinAuthor
Twitter: https://twitter.com/sebastianslovin
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sebastianslovin LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sebastianslovin Subscribe to this podcast by using one of the following:
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twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com
voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Before I get started, I have an announcement...
Dealing With My Grief is now an award winning podcast!! It won a Silver Award in the Podcasting category at DC Web Fest (dcwebfest.org) held on April 6-7, 2018.
Thank you for the recognition... the voices of those struggling with and persevering through grief are being heard!
Thanks to Oren Levine for the music and Will Friday for the cover art. And a special thanks to my family who put up with my need for quiet will producing the show.
Now on to the main content for the week!
My friends were one of the few things in my life that was "normal" after my father died, and really didn't put me through any peer pressure groing up as a teen. This really allowed my to focus one ways to begin to move through my expiences and just live like everyone else!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Dave Jackson is the host of School of Podcasting and was the inspiration behind me using podcasting as the medium of getting my grief story out into the world. The thing that drew me to Dave is the fact that talk a lot about his personal life and how lessons he has learned in life, especially from his mother can be applied to podcasting... as well as other podcast topics that he entertains.
In this episode we talk about his parents, specifically his mother and how he has, or hasn't dealt with her loss.
Links to Dave's podcast and other stuff
Dave's website: https://schoolofpodcasting.com/
Dave's sermon about his mother: http://betterdave.com/what-my-mother-meant-to-me-the-original-building-a-better-dave/
After you listen to this, you'll realize that there is no magic recipe and no time table for coping\recovering from grief. Some people simply get through it by suppressing it for as long as they can.
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voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Repetition is the mother of learning...
In this regard, what I say this week is something I have said in different episodes of this podcast at some point in time.
Grief isn't something you get over, you get through it. In coping with my own loss, I have found that facing my demons and looking at life with a different perspective have allowed my to come through my greif experience a better person.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Erin Donovan is a documentary film producer who lost her mother suddenly in 2015 as the result of a car accident. In this episode she discusses dealing with not only her mother's death, but also it's aftermath... managing her mother's estate, fending of lawsuits, as well as keeping family members at bay.
Yoga, therapy and friends would play a big part in helping Erin manage daily life after suffering her loss.
Links to Erin's work:
Erin's website: http://erindonovan.com/
Medium: 11 People You Meet in Hell
Modern Loss: My Mom's Violent Death Gave Me PTSD
I really enjoyed our talk. It was refreshing to hear someone else use their loss as a means of removing stress for other aspects of life. Also, good friends show up when you need them most.
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Last week I had no internet so as a bonus, I posted an interview for the Coming Back podcast. Shelby forsythia has me as a guest on her show and we has a great time talking about perspective, chess, and photo albums!
Check out our conversation here:
http://www.shelbyforsythia.com/podcast/38
This week I reflect on things I would say from the perspective of a 50 year old. Knowing what I know now, my 10 year old self would have a few things to say as well!
What are some things that you would tell yourself looking boack at your grief?
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voice message - http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This week I had the opportunity to speak with Shelby Forsythia on her podcast, 'Coming Back'. Somehow I always feel better when I get to share my lost story and people are genuinely interested in parts of my story I really haven't discussed previously.
Sheaya Biddle is a former (and maybe soon to be) podcaster, future author and creator of the Facebook group 'Grief Resilience'. The group stresses positivity in the face of copy with grief and loss.
This week I discus the loss of Sheaya's mother and the grief shaming that ensued and how she was able to cope with that by having close friends and building community.
Join Sheaya's Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/griefresilience/
Brene Brown: Listening to Shame
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame#t-578054
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
100 episodes should be cause for celebration, but unfortunately a tragedy was unfolding in a Florida high school shortly after I released my previous episode of this podcast.
The question I ask myself is, "Why did this young man commit this crime?"
My conclusions may be a little surprising.
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I've had it this week.
In Reddit, Facebook, other podcasts... I've heard people tell others that they should be over their grief.
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE! PERIOD.
I'ms still so upset, I cam barely type.
Grief isn't something that you get over. You have to learn the deal with the emotions the you get hit with as you go through life as you are constantly reminded that you must live without someone you love dearly.
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Shelby Forsythia is an Intuitive Grief Guide and host of the podcast Coming Back: Conversations on life after loss. After her mom’s death in 2013, she became what she calls a “student of grief” and now writes, speaks, and teaches others about the transformational power of grief and loss. Shelby is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and Reiki Practitioner.
This week I had an opportunity to speak to Shelby about how the loss of her mother eventually led to her helping others deal with grief.
Find Shelby online:
- Web:http://www.shelbyforsythia.com/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shelbyforsythia
- Podcast: http://www.shelbyforsythia.com/comingback/
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When I was 10, I lost my grandfather, dad, and an uncle in an 8-10 month time span.
About 3 years later I heard the phrase "Death comes in threes" for the first time. Then in August/September of 1985 it happened again: my grandmother, grandfather and an aunt... followed by the death of a cousin in early 1986.
I used to spend a lot of time following the death of a loved one trying to figure out who was next.
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Thanks to the kind words obout last week's interview with my mo.... I appreciate the positive feedback.
A listener asked about how we can talk to kids about grief. Her first experience was a negative one because no set any type of expectations around the funeral ritual in her family.
I believe this stems from society changing from dealing with caring for the sick and dying to at home to the Civil War and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln ushering in the acceptance of embalming. Advancements in medicine and medical technology in later year would make hospitals and nursing home the leading locations for people to die. This would remove the personal touch and connection we have with the dying.
To prepare for death a death experience I think we need to help children deal with loss or at least sadness early in life to help them develop coping skills to deal with tough situations. When they have questions, we need to make sure we answer there questions in an age appropriate manner. If they don't ask questions we need to check in with them and gauge how we might best be able to help them.
Links used to research this episode:
National Home Funeral Alliance: What you need to no for requirements for conducting your own funeral/memorial, and if/when you need to consult a funeral director
HuffingtonPost: Personal stories of the journey to have a more personal do it yourself funeral.
If you are so inclined to share your story of loss, please email me at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Two years ago I sat down and pressed record for the first time. I had no idea if anyone would listen and where this journey would take me. Many people thought this topic was either too sensitive to discuss or was just too much of a downer.
I could not be more pleased to prove the naysayers wrong. I found that many others where going through the same pain that I was and it was then that I thought about giving others a voice on this podcast. It started in Episode 55 with Joshua Black from the Grief Dreams podcast and will become a regular feature on this show.
I wanted to start this 3rd year with a conversation with the person who sacrificed all to make sure that I would be OK after my dad's death... my mom.
We had a great conversation... here is part of that sit down.
If you are so inclined to share your story of loss, please email me at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have often been asked how I feel about the subject of gun control. Many people thing that I am anti-gun because my father was murdered by someone with a shotgun.
This week I look at what or who really took the life of my father and how we might truly get away fro all the senseless killing that is running rampant in the States.
Look for a Youtube channel in the near future and email me (darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com) if you'd like to share your story of loss on the show.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Life has continued to punch me in the gut in the month of December. It didn't help that I sabotaged what was this week supposed to be the interview with my mon by not saving the edited version.
I have also had to continuously deal with personal issues in my life.
My resolution for 2018 is to simply go where life takes me - for better or worse
Just some general housekeeping:
Look for a Youtube channel in the near future and email me (darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com) if you'd like to share your story of loss on the show.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I've been MIA (missing in action) for a few weeks because I needed to take care of a few things back in St. Louis. I didn't have the time it would take to keep up my regular production schedule.
One thing that weighed heavily on my mind was the last conversation I had with my grandfather. He didn't want me to leave home and attend school half way across the country. I told him I'd only be gone for school, but he was still adamant that I should stay home.
I didn't have an opportunity to make things right between us as he died two weeks after I left home... I haven't spent more than a summer in St. Louis since I left for school. That was over 30 years ago.
While I have been tending to some of my mother's needs after a recent hospitalization this final conversation between my grandfather and me has been replying over and over in my mind.
On another note - I did sit down and record a conversation with my mother but did not have time to edit it for this week's show. Look for it next week.
If you have an opportunity, talk to a loved one and record it. You might be thankful you did a few years from now!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
No music this week as I'm on the road visiting family for the Thanksgiving holiday (which is why there was no episode last week).
I had the opportunity to pick up some new podcasting gear on Black Friday in the form of two new microphones that' i'm going to use to interview my mother this week and I'm testing them out today.
Anyway, that got me thinking about mu technology background and how I used to teach Microsoft certification classes. Some students only wanted to know what information was covered on the certification exam while other students what to actually learn the products being covered in class.
As I think about how I a reacted to the loss of my father and others in my life, Irrealize I should have been focused on the lessons grief teaches us and not the answers to the questions thay I had/have surrounding loss.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After scrolling through the Facebook group and attending a podcasting conference. I was forced to reflect on the aspect of forgiving someone who has committed the most horrible act imaginable - killing my father.
I was filled with every emotion possible for the first few years after my father's death... hate, anger, revenge, etc. But at some point I realized that I had to do one thing to begin letting go of these feelings that I had. I had to fogive that person that killed my father.
How was this even possible when he never expressed remorse for what he had done.
Other related podcast I discovered in the past week:
Good Grief Podcast - http://www.goodgriefpodcast.com/episodes/
Is this Adulting (More about mental health than grief, but very beneficial) - http://www.goodgriefpodcast.com/episodes/
This week's call to action: LAs you prepare for Thanksgiving here in the states, continue to think about how to incoporate your loved on into the holiday. Leave me a voicemail at http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Math was always my favorite subject in school. My first memories of my father are of him teaching me to count money. I quickly learned my multiplication tables this way as well.
The subject has come easy for me ever since, I took some form of math every year in school - including college! Why it is not a grief trigger for me I don't know.
There are some things, however, that that remind me of my grief recovery process: repeating decimals and pi just to name a few.
I have to focus on a journey that seemingly will never end and try somehow to king implementing my coping skills at life's every turn.
This week's call to action: Let me know how you are going to incorporate your loved one's into your Thanksgiving celebration. Will you have a special meal, go to a certain place, etc/ :eave me a voice mail at http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This past week, one of the members in the Facebook group communicated that people still questions why she is still grieving a loss from 10 years ago.
I personally believe that certain societal queues tend to lead people to think that we are at certain points in our grief recovery process and we are ok in our grief.
This week's call to action: Let me know how you are going to incorporate your loved one's into your Thanksgiving celebration. Will you have a special meal, go to a certain place, etc/ :eave me a voice mail at http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/voicemail
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After being cut off by a car on my way home, I asked myself why didn't the driver notice that there was no one behind me. was he focused just on my car and didn't notice that in the "big picture" it would have been safer to wait for me to pass because there was no one behind me.
When it comes to grief the big picture involves opening our hearts, to other to let them into our world... the help facilitate the healing process.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I sat in my office last week trying to meed a deadline, I had to yes the bathroom. The only problem was I needed to complete a though before I went and I didn;d know if I could hold it long enough!
This got me to thinking... could using bathroom actually be related to my grief recovery process? Believe it or not, it is!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I think about the heirlooms left to my by my loved ones, I started reflecting on the final time that I saw them or spent a considerable amount of time with them.
This week I ask two questions:
- Do some people know that their time on this earth is coming to an end? And...
- What would you differently if you knew that this would in fact be the last time you saw or spoke to your loved one?
I'm curious to know your answer... send me an email at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I recently wore a watch that was left to me by my uncle. Wearing it made me feel closer to him... and it really made me happy. Here I reflect on things left to me be relatives.
Do you have any heirlooms left to you, and if so do you incorporate them in any way in your daily life?
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I am often asked how long did it take me to "get over" my father's death.
The short answer is I haven't and I won't... at least not completely. In this episode I use my time in the army and the activity of running to explain why.
Now if I could just beat this cold!!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
While editing some images last wekk, I was listeing the CD "The B-Sides" by Prince.
To clarify, before there was streaming music services and befor CDs music was sold on vinyl as a 2 sided disc. When you purchase a hit single, it was on the A-side of the record and the B-side was usually the instrumental of that song or some song that was deemed unworthy to be included on the album or some song not related to the project at all.
Some B-side songs became more famous than the song that was intended to be the hit.
I believe in grief as in music we have a side that we don't want people to focus on or that we don't want to talk about. These things are in fact the most important things that we may need to discuss.
Famous B-side songs:
Beth by KISS - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHkojuUSDO8
We Will Rock You by Queen - https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=-tJYN-eG1zk
I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I
Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrK5u5W8afc
Green Onions by Booker T and the MG's - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9y-n9B_XUM
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I had the opportunity to help move some furniture at an assisted living facility for senior citizens. There I met a gentleman who was trying to deal the challenge of just trying to walk a short distance.
What I leaned from him in the span of 10 minutes is something I should have learned a long time ago - sometimes small victories make all the difference in the world
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As I turn 50 this week I have a lot to be thankful for...
- I'm half way to 100
- I decided that I need to live life despite what's happened to me
- I can be an inspiration to others
I think it's important to look back and figure out how to make adjustments to get through adversity. As I often do I take a look back at where I used to be emotionally and how I ended up here.
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This week I want to focus on a few pieces of feedback I received from listeners. One person wanted to know why I don't talk about spousal loss and another is dealing with people questioning being vocal about a loss that has happened a few years ago.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I took a week away from the microphone to take a vacation and go fishing on Lake Ontario. While sitting on the lake I realized that being on the lake and trying to catch some salmon was a lot like life and my grief recovery process.
Picture of the big king salmon I caught: http://www.dealingwithmygrief.com/podcast/episode-78
Please share this podcast with anyone who is suffering through some type of loss... I just want them to know they are not alone.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
While looking at Youtube, I came across some clips of the Matrix. This got me thinking about how Neo's journey to find the truth about his existence mirrored somewhat my grief recovery process.
Please share this podcast with anyone who is suffering through some type of loss... I just want them to know they are not alone.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
In Episode 15, Games and Grief, I talked about how I found chess and it was a vehicle for keeping me out of trouble and hor really helping me center myself. However, I did not go into any great detail about how it really impacted my grief recovery process.
This week I reflect on the focus, patience, an the ability to re-evaluate the issues affecting my life and more importantlly my grief recovery process has taught me.
Please share this podcast with anyone who is suffering through some type of loss... I just want them to know they are not alone.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
This week marks the 44th anniversary of the passing of Bruce Lee. it wasn't until recently that discovered the Bruce lee podcast hosted by Shannon Lee and her friend Sharon Lee.
While I had heard of Bruce Lee's teachings as a martial artist, I soon discovered that his teachings really where about life itself. while his teachings and philosophy are really quite simple, I have a tendency to over complicate things... especially when dealing with grief.
Check out the Bruce Lee podcast - https://www.brucelee.com/podcast/
Bruce Lee "Be Water" quote - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJMwBwFj5nQ
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
This week's episode is dedicated to the memory of my cousin Brian and my cat Cody who both passed away this week.
One of the ways that my cousin affected my life in a positive way was though the music he listened to. People in my neighborhood didn't listen to rock music, but my cousin did, and he didn't really care who know. This taught me that it was OK to be different.
My cat Cody reminded me that just like a cat, I might just have nine lives myself.
This week's call to action: Make sure to tell those around you how they have made a positive influence on your life. Don't wat untill they are gone to reflect on this.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I had the opportunity to discuss my loss with Win Charles, author of the book 'I, Win' who lost her mother a few years ago. What makes Win so amazing is the fact that she doesn't let the fact that she has cerebral palsy hold her back. In her own words, she is, "an able bodied person who happens to have cerebral palsy."
Enjoy!
A few weeks ago while attending a family get togeter of family members I hadn't seen in year, someone approached my and told me that I didn't look like my father anymore. This made me take a step back on what members of my family and my father's friends used to tell me, "You look just like your father!"
This week I examine exactly how this made or even still makes me feel.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
There are many people who I have allowed to "lean on me." In other words, I've been willing to help them in any way that I could when they needed something. Eventually I needed to learn that it was OK to lean back.
Lean on me by Bill Withers
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I've received a lot of feedback from people that see their family dynamic deteriorate after some type of loss. I am fortunate in that in times of need my family rally and around each other and be become stronger because of it.
I wish everyone could be so fortunate!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
As Father's Day approaches, I am confronted with the fact that I am forced to deal with the fact that I have to live without my loved ones... as opposed to grieving their loss. For this I used to sometimes get jealous.
Does this make me selfish?
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
A few weeks ago, I aske d you to tell me what books you were reading and the music that you liked that helped you with your grief... and here are your responses!
Books
The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff
A Grief Observed by CS Lewis
The Long Goodbye: A Memoir by by Meghan O'Rourke
Blue Nights by Joan Didion
Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair By Anne Lamott
The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents by Alexander Levy
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg
Music
Reflecting Light - Sam Phillips -
To Where you are - Josh Groban
Bob Dylan and Jimmy Hendrix
This Flight Tonight - Joni Mitchell
Not Even The Trees - Hootie and the Blowfish
Blogs: Mockingbirds at Midnight - Margaret Sloan
And even though I didn't ask, here are some other podcasts:
Grief Dreams
Dear Dougy Podcast
Griefcast
Where’s the Grief
Good Grief with Cheryl Jones
Thanks to all who provided feedback. If you'd like to add anything, please email me!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I am deathly afraid of heights. However, I needed to confront my fear while attending the Air Assault School at Ft. Campbell, KY.
During this course, you are required to complete not one but two "high" obstacles. I completed one, but was injured on the second.
I needed to convince myself that I could do something outside of my comfort zone. As a byproduct, I've learned that just because I've done something once doesn't me it'll be any easier the second time. but I can confront the anguish and anxiety that my mind feeds me to push through and achieve anything.
Confidence Climb YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCNhsbjX9Tk
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I hate paying bills... It's a repetitive process that is a necessary evil in life. If we fail deal with our monthly obligations, we suffer dire consequences and life becomes stressful.
Grief is a bill that we pay as a price for losing a loved one. We must deal with it as it comes... if we put it off, the pain and stress of not facing it could overwelm us.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
In this episode of the Dougy Podcast, I had an opportunity to discuss how and why I decided to start a podcast about my grief, my relationship with my father and we talk about what I've learned about myself, if anything, since starting the podcast.
Enjoy!
This episode is dedicated to Marsha Cooke in the memory of Darwyn Cooke.
As I record this episode, it is the 1 year anniversary of Darwyn Cooke's death. for those who may not know, Darwyn was a Canadian comic book writer, artist, cartoonist, and animator. He drew covers for the Batman comic franchise, including working on a project that my son loved, Batman beyond in which Bruce Wayne turns the responsibility of being Batman to a teenage boy.
One of the reasons I like Batman is because our stories are similar... His parents are murdered while he is a young boy, but somehow he fights through all of that pain and decides to channel that pain into something positive - fighting crime.
The timing of this episode is important to me, because Darwyn's widow Marsha was the first person whom I didn't know who sent me a piece of feedback.
I believe we all have an "inner grief superhero" inside of us, that is something that we have that can help others that are grieving.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
Is there really a "boys don't cry culture?"
I never saw my father cry, and when he died, I didn't see any other me display a lot of emotion either. But at the same time, no one told me I SHOULDN'T cry.
I think it may come down to two things:
-
Men and women are just wired differently. I watched an episode of "Brain Games" - http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/brain-games/episodes/battle-of-the-sexes/
-
Some men are able to get in touch with there so called "feminine side"
Why does it appear that men have a problem showing/talking about their emotions?
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I completely lost it last week as I remembered the anniversary of my father's death. That got me to thinking about the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. and how I have many different emotional states that I sometimes can't manage to control.
NOTE - I just realized that I mention "her" in the podcast... That would be my mother. Sorry, Mom!!
Also let me know if there are any songs/books that help you read/listen to and how the help you in your grief recovery process. Thanks!!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I recorded this episode on Monday as I always do, and was also attempting to release this episode early. I normally release episodes on Wednesday. After recording his episode, however, I was so overcome with emotion that I wasn't able to edit it until today.
Monday was the 39th anniversary of my father's death. Since he also died on a Monday - April 24, 1978 and this episode was recorded on Monday, April 24, 2017 today was just much more emotional for me than I thought it would be.
R.I.P. Dad - I love you!
Thanks for listening and continuing to follow me on my journey!
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As the 39th anniversary of my father's death approaches, I have been thinking about a conversation I had with my mother. She says that she asked me at age 11 or 12 if I wanted to see a therapist and I told her that I didn't.
I have no recollection of this conversation, but I explore the possibilities in this episode.
After doing a little research on what therapists do (and don't do), I don't know how well I would have received therapy.
Please share this episode with a therapist if you know any... I'd be very interested to hear their thoughts!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
Ive had the opportunity to talk to a few people over the last few weeks about the loss of a parent.
In this episode I reflect on the 5 stages of grief as if the were applied in a cookbook written by my recipe.
If you are not familiar with the 5 stages of grief, they are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Barganing
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages were develoed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. You can get more information about them here: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I recently look at some scars that I had fir a while and realized that just like grief, some wounds heal completely, some leave scqars and some scabs are ripped from wounds long before they heal... causing the healing process to start anew.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
This week's episode is inspired by Natalie, a listener recently lost her mother and wanted to know kspecifically when I knew my live had been changed forever by the death of my father.
Simply put, I needed to open my heart the love others. The only way for me to do that, was to become vulnerable.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I have realized over the years that I have been judging how I thought people should react in certain situations based on my own personal grief experience.
Once I realized I was so wrong, it allowed me to see people and the circumstances in a totally different light.
Suzan Lori-Parks is an American playwright, novelist and screenwriter. To learn more about her and her work visit her website: http://www.suzanloriparks.com/
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Facebook: Dealing with My Grief
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com
I don't understand why we don't talk about our grief more. In full transparency, I don't actively discuss it outside of this podcast... and I don't even mention the fact that I have a podcast about grief to many folks.
Well this has changed for me. I have openly discussed my grief journey and the circumstances of my father's passing with a complete stranger, and it was a wonderful experience.
Grief is a suject that we can't keep bottled up, we must discuss it like anything else we bring up in conversation. Do you agree?
Send me an email: darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
To learn more about Isabel Allende, visit her website: https://www.isabelallende.com/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
My writing comes not from the happy moments, but from struggle and grief.
- Isabel Allende
This podcast is the direct result of losing my father at an early age. It has served as a form of therapy for me and each week I feel better as I release a lot of emotions that I've kept bottled up for so long.
One of the things that I have realized is that in order for me to truly appreciate where I am now in my grief recovery process, I must look back at where I started.
To learn more about Isabel Allende, visit her website: https://www.isabelallende.com/
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
So it finally happened... I conducted my FIRST EVER interview.
I had the opportunity to spend some times chatting with Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast. Joshua is also working on his PhD in Psychology at Brock University in Ontario, Canada.
The main reason behind talking to Joshua was to get the sotry behind his grief and how he dealt with it and how others may has supported him through his grief recovery process. We did finally discuss his research as it relates to dreams that some people may have about their deceased loved ones/pets.
Contact Joshua at http://www.griefdreams.ca or on Instagram and twitter @griefdreams
Listen and subscribe to the Grief Dreams podcast:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-dreams-podcast/id1121785602?mt=2
If you have lost someone who has lost a loved one and would like to discuss your grief recovery process, I want to talk to you about it. I 'll try to have an interview once a month. If you think someone might be a good fit, send me their contact info at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
A lot has happened this week! I have been interviewed by the team of Grief Dreams Podcast (https://griefdreamspodcast.podbean.com/e/episode-18-grief-dreams-podcast/). I had a great time discussing my grief recovery process with Joshua Black and Shawn Ram.
After delaying my announcement about new things coming to the podcast, I decided to tell the world that I'm interviewing people on this show... next week I'll share my interview / conversation with Joshua Black. We'll be talking about this grief journey, and how dreams inspired his research about grief related dreams. You don't want to miss it.
This week, I reflect on how I might con keep people alive (through memories) even though the physical person I used to me able to see, touch and interact with are no longer here... memories are very powerful things!
If you have been inspired to go great things because of or in spite of your grief (i.e. become a bereavement councilor, created a non-profit organization, written a book, etc.) I want to talk to you about your grief recovery process. I 'll try to have an interview once a month. If you think someone might be a good fit, send me their contact info at darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The loss of loved ones affect my greatly. Why do some people seem not to grieve when the lose someone close to them. I've always wondered about this phenomenon.
If you have a way of easily coping with the loss of a loved one, please share how you do it.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
There was no episode February 1st... I was sick as I don't know what and didn't even have the energy to push the record button.
With that said, I've spent the last week contemplating how my recent bout with the common cold, or flu has caused me to reflect on my grief recovery process. Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough time to recover and I suffer longer than necessary.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The life my grandfather lived is vastly different than mine. He was born and raised in a Jim Crow segregated United States. I have vee afforded more opportunities than he has had give the passage of laws the were spearheaded by the spearheaded by Civil Rights movement.
The election/inauguration of Donald Trump as President in th U.S. caused some to belief that he and more importantly his supporters want to not only role back recent legislation passed during the Obama administration, but also go much further.
His supporters believe he will restore America to its post World War II greatness as an economic power and a strong economy economy.
The statement "Make America Great Again" has stirred up much controversy, but what is it's true meaning. I believeit depends on your perceptions of a few thing... And for me it contains striking similarities to my grief recovery process
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
WOW... It's been a year since I launched the podcast. I didn't know what I would talk about from week to week. I only knew that I had a lot of emotions that were bottled up inside and that I needed a release, and podcasting was my platform of choice.
I am grateful to everyone who has listened to any episode of this show and even more so to those that have listened to every episode.
For me the thing that I have learned is that grief imitates life... or is that the other way around.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to my show during your busy schedule, and if you think this show might resonate with others, please tell them about it!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After much deliberation, I've created a Facebook group - Click here to join.
I want the group to be a place where we can openly share what;s on our minds and how we feel/cope with our loss and the emotions surrounding them.
Speaking of social media, this week I discuss how I found out about my aunt's passing. Normally, I would receive a phone call, typically from my mother.
That didn't happen this time! I found out from a post on Facebook, about an hour after her passing.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Happy New year
Many are making resolutions - usually something to change their life in a positive manner - to stop smoking or drinking, to diet, or to get out to the gym.
Sometimes these resolutions fail because we choose to do something else with our time, or because of a lack of willpower.
I made a resolution a long time ago not to let my father's death control my life, When I it a tough patch in life, I think about positive traits my dad possessed and try to figure out how I can appy those to my life.
This weeks call to action: Think of a trait your loved one had and figure out how that has/can be positively applied to your life.
Again, Happy New Year! Let's make it a great one.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I think about how people plan to prioritize their time for the new year in the form of resolutions, I'm reminded by a listener that we can not do with time is heal our wounds caused by grief.
Healing from physical pain involves getting scabs that protect our wounds until the healing process is complete. Unfortunately when grieving, those scabs are reopened by our grief triggers, or things that people say or do... so the healing process is never really complete.
I also now question whether the amount of time we spent with our loved one affects the way we grieve. Let me know what you think.
Have a Happy New Year
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Congrats to Sofia, Don and Paul - the winners of my contest giveaway. I'll be requesting your contact info shortly to send your gift cards.
I've been dealing with some personal issues lately that have kept me pretty preoccupied over the last couple of weeks. I've been so wrapped up and taken aback emotionally that I scrapped my original idea for this week just to get the past week off of my chest.
I struggle to find the answer to the question of why... Why do bad things happen to good people.
Have a great Christmas and happy holiday season!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Even though the holidays can be stressful enough on their own, adding the stress of grief can sometimes make it unbearable. There are a few approaches to dealing with the holidays while grieving
- Spend the holidays alone. Maybe dealing with the loss during the holidays is too painful.
- Incorporate your loved on in your holiday. Make their favorite food or do their activity.
- Start a new tradition if incorporating old traditions are to painful.
Whatever you do, communicate with people just to let know what you're doing for the holiday... and don't judge anyone's decision to do... or not do what you think they ought to do.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I've been reminded by watching a co-worker recover from a cold that we don't always look the way that we feel. While she appears to be well, you can hear the fact that she is still recovering in her voice which hasn't fully recovered.
I feel the same way when it comes to grief - I look fine, but sometimes that masks the way I truly feel.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have been going through a lot during the holiday season...
- Major eye surgery, from which I am on the road to recovery.
- I had a family member who was involved in a bus accident in Chattanooga, TN. They are also on the road to recovery
- I had a member of my Army family lose his teenage son in a freak accident.
I have rationalized why my father was taken from me as a means of making it easier to cope with his death. I can not, however, imagine having to bury my child. I don't think I could ever find an acceptable answer to why this happens
This episode in dedicated to my brother in arms, Steve Hawks and the memory of his son, Ethan.
Hug someone during this holiday season and tell them that you love them... do it NOW, don't wait. Tomorrow isn't promised... but it should be if you're a kid.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Thanksgivings to me wasn't really difficult to deal with after losing my father. Father's day was more traumatic. Father's Day is all about dad and Thanksgiving is more about family. While I didn't have a father , I still had family.
Thanksgiving, and holidays in general became more difficult when I was deployed to the Middle East and not able to be with family.
This weeks call to action: find a we to make dealing with the loss of your loved one a little easier to deal with (if that's possible.) Be in the company of family or friends. If you need time by yourself, that's OK, too!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes I think we try to protect children too much from mental any psychological pain. I think loosing at thing like sports may ultimately help with dealing with the loss of a loved one.
This week's call to action: Try to incorporate your loved on into you holiday season.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This has been one of the nastiest Presidential campaign season on record.
Voters like grievers have choices.
This week's call to action: Choose to do something to confront your grief.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
If you have ever used Microsoft Windows or almost any application within Windows, you'll find a few similarities:
- There are several ways to accomplish the same task
- Sometimes things go awry when we are trying to move forward and accomplish certain goals
How can I determine which way is best for me to confront my grief and who do I pivot when I get stuck and can't seem to move forward.
This weeks call to action: Evaluate the different methods you have at your disposal to help you deal with grief, especially when you seem to be stuck in a place that doesn't allow you to continue your healing process.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After lying in bed all weekend and watching Netflix, I have realized that I've used my father's death as the reason I haven't been able to achieve certain things in life or the reason why I've had to deal with certain things alone in my life.
I refuse to use his death as an excuse any longer. I can get through life's challenges in spite of the fact he is no longer here.
This weeks call to action: don't let grief be an excuse for you you can't seem to get through life's challenges.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This week's episode is a little shorter as I am dealing with a cold and I'm not feeling well.
This week I look back a t two Disney films; Bambi and the Lion King and how I used just focus on death and not the the entire story of lifed death and the rebirth that the main characthers in the movie had to face.
I also realizes that not every Disney film deals with these themes, and for non-grievers, that might be a Disney movie whose theme describes Your life story up to this point in your life.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This episode is inspired by a piece of feedback I received from a listener in response to last week's call to action to tell me something positive as a result of your grief.
Thanks so much for the kind words about the podcast it appreciated...
The listener stated that they have had a hard time getting support from their friends during the recent loss of 2 individuals in their life.
This week I tackle the subject of why friends may "disappear" during the grieving process. Maybe they don't know how to support us or maybe they don't know how long we'll need support.
This weeks call to action: Be a better friend... or simply be a friend.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Emmett Till.
I recently had the opportunity to visit the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture in Washington, DC. It is an amazing museum that you must see if you ever visit the area. You'll need tickets to get in, but they are free.
- Here is the link to order timed passes: https://nmaahc.si.edu/visit/passes
Emmett Till was a 14 year old African-American boy who was killed for whistling at a white woman in a store in Money, Mississippi in August of 1955. He qwould be lynched fof this by her susband and his half-brother.
- Click here to learn more about Emmett Till
- View a PBS special about Emmett till's death
His mother found the courage to display his badly disfigured body during his funeral to show the world what racism had done to her son. This act led to the modern Civil Rights movement.
Mamie Till-Mobley's grief was the spark plug that forced America to deal with racism head-on.
I take a look at my own life and try to figuer out if there is anything positive that has come from my own grief.
This weeks call to action: Look back at your ow grief and determine if there is Something positive that you can take away from it.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When I thing about the phrase, "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I can apply this to my life... literally!
After seeing my father's lifeless body in the store owned by my parents after his death, and wondering if things might be different if my mother and I would have stayed at the store for an additional 30-45 minutes, I use this as a source of strength in my life. Nothing will every be as bad as it was when he died. My mother had to come up with a Plan B.
I have learned to face new challenges and Plans B and sometimes C head on using my grief.
This weeks call to action:
My father died without a will. This made life harder for my mother necessary. See a lawyer, and prepare a will. If you can afford to do so, purchase life insurance so the ones you leave behind won't have to initially worry about finances when you're gone.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Once my father died I lived in fear believing the men responsible for his death eventually would come for me. I let this fear permeate other aspects of my life until I learned to confront it and find ways to embrace it and move on.
This week's call to action: Link logically, sometimes emotions can cloud our judgement. Think things through before making decisions.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As we celebrate the 50th anniversary of the television show Star Trek, I am reminded that sometimes thinking like a half Vulcan, half Human is not necessarily a bad thing.
This week's call to action: Link logically, sometimes emotions can cloud our judgement. Think things through before making decisions.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I wouldn't be who I am today without going through the pain that was losing my father. Starting this podcast only make me wish I had started capturing how I felt a lot earlier in life.
This week's call to action: Start chronicling your grief journey. Start a diary, blog or even your own podcast. Make a point to rered it later and discover if and how different you may be know.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I wasn't able to get to my Aunt Wanda's funeral... I simply spent too much money getting back and forth to St. Louis spending time with family before/after my uncle passed away, I'm just financially drained.
The focus of this week's show in dealing with the death of celebrities, more specifically the lives of 3 individuals - (Click their name for information about them):
- Darwyn Cooke
- Prince
- Muhammad Ali
In some way, big or small, the lives of each of these individuals touched me in some way. Somehow they were able to resonate with something I was going through at some part of my life.
This week's call to action: We all have some type of struggle. Find a way to help someone through theirs. We are all in this together.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After spending some time away and getting emotionally recharged, I received news that my aunt passed away. While her health had been back and forth for some time, I really didn't think that she would be gone so soon as she passed one day shy of her 74th birthday.
This episode is dedicated to my Aunt Wanda. I love you dearly!
This week's call to action: spend more time with the elderly.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sometimes making it through the day is difficult. There's only one thing that gets me through.
Some days when I think about my father and most recently my uncle who passed away I think about and the many memories we shared and it's hard to imagine life without them.
Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to make it through the day, who is going to be there to give me guidance concerning whatever issues might come my way.
I'm then reminded of something my grandfather used to say to me... Any day you wake up and the sun is shining on your face is a good day!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Recently I had the opportunity to watch the 'Peanuts Movioe' and reflect on the character of Charlie Brown - a guy who never seems to give up regardless of how many times things just don't work out.
- He never seems to be able to muster up the courage to talk to the red haired girl. In the Peanuts Movie, he does in fact talk to her, but in his efforts to impress her, things just don't seem to work out - book report he writes for her.
- He is the captain of a baseball team that never wins a game. Yet he never misses a game himself.
- Every time he flies a kite, it ends up in a tree.
- Every time he tries to kick that football that Lucy is holding, she pulls it away from him at the last minute.
Why doesn't he just quit?
Two reasons... he has hope, and a friend named Linus!
This week's call to action - Be someone's Linus. If you know someone who needs a word of encouragement or a helping hand, give it to them without them asking
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
There was no episode last week as I'm just returning from being with family after losing an uncle a couple of weeks ago.
Rest In Peace, Uncle Luther.
In remembering the live's of my father and my uncle, I sometimes realize that I shy away from things that we used to do together, because... well we can no longer do them together!
I've changed my attitude, however. I will embrace the things we did together. My uncle like going to the race track, my father like taking long drives. I am going to attempt to do both of these things more ofteen.
This week's call to action - Do something to honor your loved one's memory. Plant a tree, start a foundation, donate to a charity. go camping... but do something!
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This episode is dedicated to my Uncle Luther who passed away on July 17, 2016.
After learning my uncle had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I had the opportunity to spend a few days with him a couple of weeks ago. We took a trip down memory lane and I'll share a few memories in this episode.
Even though I knew the time would come, I wasn't mentally prepared deal with his death. It's only been 3 days, and I miss him already. His funereal will be the first time I've seen many family members in several years - too many years
This week's call to action - find someone that you haven seen or spoken to in a while and catch up. Don't make your loved one's funeral your next family reunion.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
This episode is inspired by 3 events that have occurred in the since last week's show:
- The shooting of Alton Sterling in Baton Rouge, LA
- The shooting of Philandro Castile in Falcon Heights, MN
- The subsequent shooting of 11 police officers in Dallas
I was reluctant to talk about my story of grief because I didn't want to listen to others talk about theirs. I would compare the two and not give any credibility to your grief if your loved one didn't meet some violent end. Simply put, your narrative wasn't the same as mine, so it couldn't be real.
I believer the same holds true for the events of the past week. There is a divide in the U.S. between people who believe police are doing their job and those who feel the police are racist or unfairly treating the very citizens they are supposed to protect.
We need to listen to each other and UNDERSTAND what the other side is saying. Only then will we begin the healing process.
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble.
- Molière
The whole reason behind this podcast is the tell my story of how I deal with death, loss, grief and bereavement; specifically the loss of my father when I was still a young child.
It is my way of letting go of the things that I had bottled up for so long. But why did I wait so long to get this burden of of my chest?
- I felt that I would be a burden to others who were also dealing with my fathers' loss.
- Real men don't cry!
- I was following the lead of others
- I didn't want professional help
- No one would listen to me.
I encourage everyone to find someone to talk to about their grief. A priest, rabbi, or whoever the leader of your faith based community might be. A grief counselor or support group. Whatever you do, don't keep it bottled up. It only makes it worse over time.
More on the life of Molière
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When people talk about the "new normal"during the grieving process, they talk about the the person that you become after the loss of someone special in your life. But it this "new" you really ever going to be normal?
This episode is inspired by Dave Jackson of the "School of Podcasting." Dave's podcast helped me get my podcaast. One of the segment of his show is called 'Because of my Podcast', where different podcast producers share stories of how podcasting has changed their lives. This week, Dave featured my podcast on his show. Here is a link to his blog post discussing my show.
During an email conversation with Dave, he discusses getting to the "new normal" in his life.
for me, I think the new normal comes in stages:
- The old normal - That which was normal before my grief
- The fractured normal - Some of the things in my life remained normal, but they
start to feel strange . -
The new normal - The strange and weirdness are no longer strange and weird
-
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
As I reflect on Father's day, there are a few things that make me angry about my father's loss:
-
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
-
I didn't get a chance to "hang out" at father-son event's during high school
-
My son will never have a relationship with his grandfather
-
I simply didn't have enough time of my own with my father.
I'm still trying to deal with these angry feelings i Have, but I haven't really discovered the best way to do so.
Please rate and review in iTunes - Thanks!
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
There was no episode last week.
I had an emergency eye procedure that Monday - the regular day I record the show and Tuesday was my son's high school graduation. With family in town and trying to recover health wise. I just couldn't find/make time to record the show.
Now on the this week's episode...
As mentioned earlier, my son graduated from high school this week and this Sunday is Father's Day (June 19th). I wanted to reflect on how my grief affects my ability to appreciate/celebrate holidays and life's milestones.
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web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
How do we interpret things people say while grieving?
To grievers, a lot of things that people say to be comforting may not be comforting at all:
"I'm sorry for your loss"
"Your loved one is in a better place"
But as grievers, is there anything that we say, that can seem insensitive?
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email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The only cure for grief is action
- George Henry Lewes
This is really the third in a series of episodes that discusses this topic. I was just able to find a quote that perfectly sums it up! The other episodes are 15 and 17.
I have found that staying busy - being active, is the main way that I keep my grief from totally consuming me. I think I learned this from my mother because she had to get busy right away in making sure that she had a job so she could put food on the table and make sure she could pay the rest of the bills.
Please, please, please rate and review the show in iTunes: they don't make it easy - you have to search for "Dealing With My Grief" in the Podcast app, then click the podcast link at the bottom of the results page - then you'll see the button to rate or review the show. Thanks, I really appreciate it!! Thanks for taking the time to listen.
More on George Henry Lewes.
Contact me using any of following:
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Sorry this episode is a day late, but this virus that has been going around has been kicking my butt... I finally found 25 minutes or so when I wasn't coughing to finish this episode...
At some point after your loss, you have to begin to move forward - this means you have to begin to re-establish some routine in your life. That could be going back to school or work, or getting back into the workforce after not working for a very long time. Maybe its getting back into a hobby.
What I have learned is that life goes on after loss. I learned this from my mother. She never once wavered from her stance that we would be OK and we would make it through our tragedy. This doesn't mean that we weren't sad or still grieving, it just meant that she had to do what she needed to do to assume becoming the head of the household.
You can still grieve, but at some point we must learn how to move forward
Contact me using any of following:
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twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
One of my best friends just lost his wife unexpectedly.
I often ask myself what I can do to help those who are grieving. I tend not to to the cliche things such as food and flowers. Sometimes the best thing that I can offer is a listening ear.
Contact me using any of following:
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Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Shortly after my father died, I was introduced to the game of chess. Any one who knows me, knows that I am passionate about this game... but they may not know why.
It is through playing chess that I was able to connect with friends of my father and learn more about the man that he was. It also provided me some "me" time away from my friends
This brings me some sense of comfort.
Contact me using any of following:
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twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
After the death on my father, my grandfather would become the central male figure in my life.
He would be diagnosed with diabetes and later cancer and I would take great pride in helping to care for him. When it was time for me to head off to college, I would decide to head to the east coast - against my grandfather's wishes.
We would have the only argument ever to take place between us and I would wait to late to make amends. Before I could return home to talk to him in person, he would be gone.
What did I learn from this experience?
Contact me using any of following:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The week and a half between April 14 - April 25 is a very painful and often stressful time for me:
My father's birthday is April 14. He would be 81 this year
My father died on April 24. This marks the 38 anniversary of his death.
May parents wedding anniversary is April 25. This year marks their 52nd anniversary.
In an attempt to keep things from getting totally out of hand, I try to remember some good times with my father... which does bring me some joy and comfort.
Link to Hawaii Five-0 original theme song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AepyGm9Me6w
Contact me using the following:
```
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com) ```
John Lennon was shot and killed in 1980, This was the first time I'd heard of the term "gun control." After President Ronald Reagan was shot, it became a nation issue in the United States.
Why was gun control not so important when my father was killed?
Do people believe that their social standing shield them from grief and tragedy?
I don't believe grief considers who you are when it decides to strike.
I can be contacted by:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
The man convicted of murdering my father was the first person to receive the death penalty after Missouri re-instituted capital punishment in 1977. His penalty was later overturned and her received life without the possibility of parole for 50 years.
How do my personal feelings and religious beliefs factor into whether or not I think he should be put to death for his crime.
I can be contacted by:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
How are grief and addiction similar... how do they differ? I find that even though each may be caused by some difficult experience that we face in life, at least I have the ability to overcome my addiction. I don't think the same can be said for grief.
Psychology Today's definition of addiction - https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction
Your are encouraged to leave feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
My father was my entire world as a child. Wherever he went I wanted to go with him. It seems as if I was always by his side.
Once he died, my mother became the central figure in my life and would instill in me core values that I carry with me to this very day. she would sacrifice all that was important to here to make sure I would have everything that I needed, And she'd always make herself available to me no matter what the circumstance.
Your are encouraged to leave feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I have often wondered what would have happened if my mother and I had stayed at my parents store for an additional 15-20 minutes. Would we all be alive, or would we all have perished that night.
It is a question that consumed me for a long time. Eventually, I just had to let it go.
Your are encouraged to leave feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Even though I had an uncle and my grandfather who would become the male role modes in my life after my father passed, I did not ask them to accompany me to any of the father/son events at my high school. My reasoning was simple... they were not my father.
Grieving the loss of my father - some 4 years after he died, blinded me from reaching out to the two men that could have helped me the most during arguably the most trying four years of my life.
Your are encouraged to leave feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
When I was younger, if I heard people discuss the loss of a loved one I would always think that the somehow they got more time with them than I got with my father, or at least they had time to "prepare" for the loss of their loved one.
I now realize that every loss is significant and hurts regardless of when the person passes or the circumstances of their death.Everyone must learn how to cope with their own grief.
Let me know what you think of today's episode:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Episode 5 - Dealing with Grief Triggers
Do grief triggers always have to make me sad?
I have several grief triggers:
Food - ham and cheese sandwiches
Times of the year - the month of April
Heirlooms - a thermos and sofa
All of these remind me in one way or another, but do the all still make me sad.
While I can avoid eating certain foods, I can't stop April from coming every year, but I can use some things that have been passed down to me to remind me of good times I had with my father. Those items make me feel like my father is still with me, and that gives me strength.
Let me know what you think of today's episode:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
I've been trying to get out of the shadow of my father's legacy.
Once I graduated from high school, I decided to go to school out of state to get a fresh start... to be another face in the crowd.
After running out of money after my sophomore year, I decided to join the Army. I didn't want to go back home, because my mother had already sacrificed so much for me. I needed to make my own way. The army was perfect because I didn't have to go home a failure after not graduating from college.
Please send me feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Is it possible that losing my father was not the worse thing that could have happened to me?
Growing up, I had friends whose parents weren't together. Many of them carried the burden of thinking that their parents weren't together because of something that they had done. In other words, it was their fault that their parents weren't together.
I had one friend who would wait for his father to come pick him up when it was his father's weekend for custody, and his father inevitably would be a no-show! He would often wonder what he did to cause his father not to want to be with him.
While grieving my father's death, I take some comfort in knowing that the reason he isn't present is not by choice, but the actions of the men who took his life. I don't have the emotional scars that my friends have.
In some ways I think that would be a lot worse emotionally.
This is one of the ways I cope with my grief.
I send me feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
How religion or a belief in something greater than ourselves impact the grieving process? Is it possible to truly be angry with with God?
I was born and raised Catholic and am still a practicing Catholic. While I may not be the best Christian walking planet Earth, I still believe God has a plan for me.
I can be contacted using by:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Does the grieving process always begin the moment we lose someone in our life?
For me grieving didn't start until a week and a half after I lost my father. I truly believe this is because I couldn't really process what had happened due to my age at the time (I was 10).
Please send me your feedback:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - http://www.twitter.com/dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)
Thanks for listening
My name is Darwyn M. Dave, and I lost my father in April of 1978 when I was just 10 years old. Even though that was a long time ago, I have realized that I'm not "over" his death, but in fact I'm still dealing with it.
I've started the Dealing With My Grief blog/podcast to discuss how I have been coping with grief and bereavement since that time.
It is my hope that in creating this space I am able to connect with others who have lost someone close to them and in some small way help them deal with their pain.
I can be contacted using by:
email - darwyn@dealingwithmygrief.com
twitter - @dealwithgrief
web - http:// www.dealingwithmygrief.com
Music provided by Oren Levine (oren@ohljazz.com)