My Journal - Agatha Nolen: Recent Episodes

Agatha Nolen

Putting God First and the Holy Relationships that flow from Our First Love

Saint Agatha by Cariani (Giovanni Busi) (1485-1547),1516 - 1517
National Galleries, Scotland

What's in a name? One way to have a new group introduce themselves is to ask them to tell a story of how they got their name. Many are named after family members, but I wasn't; I was named after a Saint.

I was raised Roman Catholic and my mother's due date was February 5. In the Roman Catholic calendar that has been the Feast Day of St. Agatha since her death in 271 A.D.

Agatha was born in Sicily into a wealthy family and dedicated her life to God. She caught the eye of Quintianus who tried to force her to turn away from her vow and marry him. She consistently refused his proposals until he had her arrested to face torture and possible death. She prayed for courage and refused to abandon her vow to God. She underwent more torture and eventually Quintianus had her breasts cut off. She had a vision of the apostle, St. Peter who comforted her and healed her wounds through prayers. She is the patron saint of Sicily and breast cancer patients.

I relish getting to tell my story of I how got my name (although I was a bit early; my birthday is in December).

I joined the Episcopal Church in 2008, and St. Agatha was never acknowledged until a calendar revision in 2022. The appointed Collect (brief prayer) for St. Agatha was recited around the world yesterday:

Almighty and everlasting God, who strengthened your martyr Agatha with constancy and courage: Grant us for the love of you to make no peace with oppression, to fear no adversity, and to have no tolerance for those who would use their power to abuse or exploit; Through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom with you and the Holy Spirit be all honor and glory, now and forever. Amen.

I pray that I can aspire to live up to the foundations of my namesake's life in the 3rd century.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

Rabbits Making Mochi in the Moon
Harada Keigaku
Woodblock print
Ca. 1850, Courtesy of the Victoria and Albert Museum, London
(A mochi is a Japanese rice cake)

We have wonderful exhibitions at the Frist Art Museum in Nashville and currently, I’ve been leading tours for Journey Through Japan: Myths to Manga. The exhibition will be on display through February 16, 2025.

In the first gallery is a beautiful story from Japanese folklore of how the moon is home to the rabbit. The ancient story tells a lesson that Taishakuten, the ruler of the heaven visits Earth disguised as a beggar and asks three animals to help him get food. The first, a monkey, brings him fruit, and the fox brings him fish. But when he turns to the rabbit, the rabbit says he has nothing to share but is willing to give up himself as food instead. Taishakuten is so impressed with the rabbit’s selflessness, that he places the rabbit on the moon for everyone to see and to remember the rabbit’s selflessness every time they look at the moon.

During this Advent season I’ve been pondering what this ancient story might mean to me. It is too easy for me to donate money to a local or far-off charity, similar to plucking fruit from a tree or gathering fish from the ocean. Those things really don’t belong to me, so it doesn’t mean much for me to give them away. But giving up myself; that is much harder. To spend time with a friend really listening to what is going on in their life. Sending up prayers for recent cancer diagnoses or friends who have lost loved ones this year and are not really feeling the “Christmas” spirit.

Money is important and based upon the emails and mail I’ve gotten the past two weeks, every charity could use my monetary donation. But I’m rethinking what it really means to be more like the rabbit and show up in person with the most precious gifts of time and presence.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve always been an early riser, and I’ve adopted the habit of saying Morning Prayer from the Daily Office since I became an Episcopalian in 2008. It is part of my commitment to my Rule of Life (Chapter 18) that I have developed as a Fellow of The Society of St. John the Evangelist, an Episcopal monastery in Cambridge, MA.

A few years ago, I discovered a free app on my phone that makes keeping the Daily Office easy but meaningful. I enjoy it as the Scripture verses, Canticles, and Saints’ Commemorations are all in one place for Morning Prayer, Noon Day Prayer, Evening Prayer and Compline. I don’t always get to stop four times a day, but I always start my day with the Morning Prayer. There is a recorded audio version so that I can feel like I am reciting it in community. Here’s a link for your desktop: https://prayer.forwardmovement.org/pray. On your phone look for: “Forward, Day by Day.”

I just discovered the best feature. If you click on the three lines in the upper left corner of the phone app (or “Prayer List” on your desktop), you can compose your own personal prayer list. This list is local to the device you create it on, so it is not shared among devices or other people. Your individual prayer list will pop up when it is time for prayers and thankgsivings. It reminds me to pray for people near and far, lifting up their names for healing, discernment, and reconciliation.

I am often frustrated with the time I spend on my phone, endlessly checking weather, or scrolling to see what my friends are doing on social media. This Advent, I’m monitoring my usage but also recognizing than some technology can make my world better. I believe that the Forward Movement Day by Day Daily Office is one positive example and I hope that more people can start their day with Scripture and praying for each other.

Please send me a note if you have any questions about the Forward Movement app. I’m not a paid employee and don’t get paid for recommending it. I don’t often make recommendations on my blog, but this one is worth the time I spend with it.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve joined a group that is studying Celebrating Abundance for Advent. It is a book of devotions from Walter Brueggemann. Tuesday’s reading for the first week of Advent is titled, “Celebrating the New Abundance”.

Last week I had been contemplating how I wanted to live more out of sufficiency (having enough) rather than the abundance of having more than I need.

The devotion for Tuesday this week has added a new angle to my thinking. Walter comments, “let me tell you the news that is proclaimed at every Communion service: Jesus has turned the world into abundance. God is the gift who keeps on giving, and the people around Jesus are empowered to receive abundance and therefore to act generously.” Brueggemann continues, “He takes, he blesses, he breaks, he gives. And we are astonished about the surplus.”

I still want to live out of sufficiency. I need to do better about buying things I really don’t need, eating food when I am bored instead of hungry, and feeling like I need to be busy all the time to prove my worth. But I also need to see that Jesus gives me an abundance of truth, beauty, kindness, goodness, and love that I should never hoard but freely give away.

I’ve adapted the concluding prayer as my prayer for Advent: “God whose giving knows no end, make me a glad recipient of your generosity. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and a heart to remember your abundance, that I might share it with the world. Amen.”

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

“Gathering of the Manna,” James Tissot (1896-1902), The Jewish Museum, New York City

I just finished the best class at Duke Divinity, “Old Testament and Leadership” taught by Dr. Ellen Davis and Dr. Sarah Musser. In addition to challenging readings and wonderful guest speakers, I realized that most of my religious life had been spent learning about the New Testament even though it is only 25% of the whole Bible and has about 5,000 words compared to 12,000. In our last class session we were sharing how our coursework in the Old Testament may have transformed our way of thinking, or how it might change our ministry in the future.

All of the twenty students had poignant comments, but one from an Episcopal Priest, Rev. Emily Rowell has stuck with me for these past weeks. The intense study of the Old Testament had resonated with her about how we should talk about sufficiency rather than abundance. I started thinking how it would change my life if I started thinking more about having enough rather than having more.

“Abundance” originated in 14th century France with the stem of abundans meaning overflowing, or full. Those terms seem different to me. If I have a cup of coffee that is “full”, it is up to the top of the rim, but if it is “overflowing”, it burns my hand when I try to pick it up to drink.

I would like to think that I lead my life to “fullness” by having enough, but not more than I need. At the very least, anything that I possess to excess, I should consider sharing with those who have less. During the pandemic, I didn’t want to be in crowds and was avoiding stores. I found myself ordering a case of dish soap from Amazon or Costco. Living alone meant that many items I ordered lasted more than a year. I still can’t pass up a sale on 72 rolls of toilet paper.

The pandemic has subsided, and the supply chain seems more reliable, but I still haven’t shaken this idea that I need more of everything. My pantry is full and even the dogs have more toys than they can play with in a month.

This Advent season, I’m going to be studying the Old Testament and dwelling with the Israelites when they were wandering in the wilderness. God told them that he would supply enough “manna” for them each day, except on the sixth day when he would double their supply (so they could enjoy a Sabbath rest). If they gathered more than they needed for a single day, it became “wormy and rotten” (Exodus 16).

I want to gather only exactly what I need for sufficiency, knowing that any overabundance will become rotten in the eyes of the Lord.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Another Immersive Week at Duke is complete. I’m enrolled in the Master of Divinity program at Duke University. It is in a hybrid format, so I travel to Durham three weeks of the year to start each term and then have weekly zoom classes. I’m a senior looking forward to graduation in May 2025.

This term I’m taking a class in Old Testament in Leadership with Dr. Ellen Davis. We had a great week with lots of reading, daily journals, and group-led discussions. I participated in the group that led the discussion on Thursday that was on the Book of Proverbs but the most meaningful lesson for me was the Friday lesson on the Book of Psalms.

Our daily journal was different for Friday; we were asked to write our own Psalm. It was very different from studying the Psalms to determine the voice of the Psalmist as they both praise God and cry out for God’s ear.

But my Psalm was different. I had to put myself in the place of the Psalmist. For what was I crying out to God for? Was I still able to praise God in my time of need?

Here’s my Psalm. How would you frame words to God if you wrote your own?

Psalm

(Thanksgiving for time in waiting)

Hear my case, O Lord;

open your ears to my heart.

You will find no deceit in me;

my mouth continues to praise your name.

A path has closed, but you are with me;

You carry me on your shoulders to new lands.

I trust in your faithfulness;

like a mother bear for her newborn cub, you care for your children.

I count the minutes;

You see into eternity and the cosmos is under your tender control.

As I wait, your name is on my lips;

When I awake, I will be bathed in joy.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve started a new book, Why You Can’t Pay Attention and How to Think Deeply Again, by Johann Hari. I’ve been intrigued for a number of years with the concept of “multi-tasking”. Do I really get more done when I’m engaged with five simultaneous projects? Or what about the four books on my nightstand? Would I be better off reading one at a time?

Johann’s book starts out with the author taking his godson to Memphis to visit Graceland. When he was nine, the godson was obsessed with Elvis Presley and ten years later Johann finally took him to Graceland. His godson had had a rough few years, dropping out of school at fifteen, struggling to carry on a conversation without being distracted. He spent all his waking hours at home alternating blankly between screens.

Why should I pick up this book at this particular time? Curiously, a good friend from Spain was in town a few weeks ago. As a travel agent she’s been thinking about coordinating some groups to come to Tennessee for a “Music Tour” hitting the highlights of Nashville and Memphis. We spent one day in Memphis, and she wanted to go to Graceland, a place I’d never visited.

My friend and I (as well as Johann) all had the same impressions of Graceland. It was lifeless with much of the charm taken out of the estate by the interjection of technology. Instead of having tour guides in each of the rooms of the mansion, we were issued individual iPads and earphones so that we could take ourselves on a “self-guided” tour. As we moved from room to room, our iPad voice encouraged us to “swipe left” to move to the next room. No one spoke as we were all watching the rooms on our iPads and listening through our earbuds. Noone was really looking at the actual rooms we were in.

Johann’s observations: “Occasionally somebody would look away from the iPad and I felt a flicker of hope, and I would try to make eye contact with them, to shrug, to say, ‘Hey, we’re the only ones looking around, we’re the ones who traveled thousands of miles and decided to actually see the things in front of us’—but every time this happened I realized they had broken contact with the iPad only to take out their phones and snap a selfie.”

I want to start paying attention again to the real world around me and the people in it. I’d like to think deeply and engage in deep conversations about important things and not just the things that the news media thinks I need to be upset about.

I don’t know where this journey will take me, but I hope it’s back to a better world than the one we have now.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

This Thursday is Ascension Thursday on the church calendar which marks 40 days after Easter and the day that Christ was taken up into heaven (Luke 24:51). Growing up Roman Catholic, this was a Holy Day of Obligation where you had to attend a mass, and in some European countries it is celebrated as a public holiday (e.g. Germany, France, Austria, Belgium, and the Netherlands). Ascension Thursday commemorates a specific event in the life of the church, but the three days preceding it (Monday-Wednesday) also have a special place in the life of the church. They are known as minor Rogation Days.

The word rogation comes from the Latin verb rogare, meaning "to ask", which reflects the beseeching of God for a special blessing. Traditionally, the congregation of a local church will walk the boundaries of its land and ask God for seasonable conditions that will permit the growing of crops. We are asking God to bestow us with the conditions that we need for flourishing.

Most churches don’t plant crops anymore but at St. George’s Episcopal Church here in Nashville we have our Farmers Market. We invite local farmers and those who are using local products to come every Thursday, May-August from 3:30-6:30pm to set up their tables and tents and sell items that their land has produced. This year we have 20+ vendors each week and expanded hours for us to shop and honor the harvests of our neighbors.

On Wednesday, the last day of the minor Rogation Days, I’ll be walking the boundaries of our campus at St. George’s Episcopal Church. I’ll walk the perimeter to put up signs for the market and I’ll be praying as I go at the corners that all our vendors will have bountiful crops this year (and sales), and that our vendors, volunteers, and shoppers will all feel nourished and blessed with fresh produce, flowers, and ready-to-eat products all from our created earth.

Please join us on Ascension Thursday when we commemorate Jesus’s rising up to heaven. We live in this in-between time: Jesus has gone to heaven but has sent the Holy Spirit to be with us. We rejoice as we await the joy of Pentecost Sunday in a few weeks, when the Holy Spirit empowers us to act in Jesus’s name. And we pray for a bountiful harvest this year for all our farmers.

Blessings my friend,

Agatha

I’ve had a disordered relationship with food for all of my adulthood. It began after my brother died when I was seven and I developed stomach aches every morning at school. My teacher would take me down to the school nurse each morning for cinnamon toast until I felt better. (I came from a small town, and everyone knew everyone; my teachers were all friends with my mother). Although the morning feeding was helpful and after six weeks, I was able to stay in class all day, I associated food with the solution to my emotions. Whether it is grief, sadness, anxiety, happiness, or despair, my mind signals that I need to eat. Not based upon hunger, but exclusively based in response to an emotion I am feeling.

There have been times when I’ve dealt with this dysfunction better and sometimes worse. During some times I’ve stopped eating hardly anything, and during other times I eat nonstop. I know this yo-yo eating can’t be good for me, so I’ve tried to moderate my eating, not necessarily as a hunger response, but at least trying to eat in moderation.

How does this fit in with simplicity? I have come to realize that I think about what I am going to eat virtually all the time. It is very time-consuming to dwell on one activity in a never-ending loop. In praying in preparation for Lent this year, I decided to try the spiritual discipline of fasting. I’ve tried it in the past and always failed, but I wanted to try it again thinking that if I wasn’t constantly thinking about food, I’d have more time to think about God.

For the first two weeks of Lent, I’ve chosen one day each week where I only drink liquids. It has amazed me how much freedom that day gives me when I’m not worried about what I’m going to cook (or order) and when I’m going to eat. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought, and it makes that day much simpler.

I don’t know if I’ll be successful through all six weeks of Lent, but it has brought me a new perspective on my destructive eating habits and how they can be changed.

I hope that you’ve found a spiritual discipline this Lent that is giving you a simpler life, too.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

Incorporating simplicity into my life isn’t a one-time “cleaning out.” I want it to be a lifestyle change that makes a difference for years to come.

This week I am tackling my pantry. It isn’t huge, but it’s stuffed with assorted non-perishables that I’ve acquired over the years since the pandemic. In some cases, it was easy to buy “giant-sized” purchases from Amazon and Costco during the pandemic, but I also realized that there are remnants of unrealized dreams in my pantry, too.

There was the phase where I was transitioning to “more natural” eating. Not bad in itself, but some of the items I acquired turned out to not be very tasty. I tried them in a few recipes back in 2020 and the rest of the bag has stayed on the shelf. I think it’s time to admit that I just don’t like organic Goji berries.

In the past few weeks as I’ve been methodically going through my possessions, I realize that a lot of my purchases have been for attributes which I wish I had. I by potting soil and mulch, not because I need it, but somehow it represents taking care of the earth. I would like to think I am a good steward, and my possessions reflect that.

I have many “organic” items in my pantry. I don’t know if they are really better for me than “non-organic”, but I can see in them my desire to be healthier. I think just by buying them, I should be healthier!

I’m going to stop and think when making purchases. Am I buying this because it brings the real me joy, or am I buying it for the person I wish I was? In the past my buying habits may have reflected who I wanted to become rather than who I am. I’m only going to buy things that are useful to the “real me” in the present moment.

With Ash Wednesday this coming Wednesday, I’m going to try to think more thoughtfully about what I buy to eat, what I eat and why. I’m going to try intermittent fasting at least a couple of days a week. I think practicing a better relationship with food (and my pantry) will be a good spiritual discipline for my Lenten season.

Blessings, my friend

Agatha

This coming week I’m going to be focusing on Simplicity in Possessions. I know that this isn’t easy and will actually be a commitment to a lifestyle change, but I need to start somewhere!

I realized that I have areas of my house where I have stored away things purchased during the pandemic. Some of them are “case quantities” of everyday items that were only available from Amazon or Costco in large quantities, and others are things that I thought I needed to prepare for a new lifestyle under the pandemic. I have a “pandemic junk drawer”, a place in my master closet where a few things have been carefully stacked for 4 years and a hall closet that I converted to an additional pantry.

Just this weekend I’ve identified a few items and new philosophies that will bring me some more space and a bit of simplicity into my life:

I have a case of tea bags from the pandemic. This is in addition to the normal stock that I have in my food pantry in the kitchen. I’ve started drinking a cup of tea each evening, and I have an estimated 200 tea bags on hand. I plan to go through them to see if any have expired and for the remainder, I will share them with friends. (This is in addition to the hot chocolate mix, hot fruit tea mix, etc. also from the pandemic).
When no one was coming to the house, I thought I was going to become a superb gardener. I bought soil, mulch, pine chips and a fertilizer spreader (that is still in the box). This week, I’m going to use what I can, but I’m not fooling anyone. I have a lawn guy that mows, mulches, aerates, overseeds, and fertilizes. Surely someone I know can use a small fertilizer spreader.
I have a drawer full of masks, hand sanitizer, and assorted other pandemic-related fashion statements (mostly alumni masks). Oh, and expired COVID tests. So, I’m going through those also, throwing out the expired tests and keeping a few masks for future use. The government has extended some of the expiration dates on COVID tests so I’ll check those first, but if they are really expired, out they go. (You can check COVID test expriation dates here: https://bit.ly/4927fPp).
I still have 100+ plastic bags from all the groceries I ordered on-line. We help serve food at the Church of the Holy Trinity, one of our downtown Episcopal Churches, once a month and the guests always ask for a plastic bag. A nice way to put them to good use.

I know that simplicity of possessions is not easy, but I hope to start changing my lifestyle to bring fewer things into my life and start moving more things out. I think a negative “net” (more moving out than coming in) will be the secret to long-term success for me.

In what ways are you using possessions to bring simplicity into your life?

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

 image from wayhomestudio on Freepik

I’m in the M.Div. program at Duke Divinity and this term I’ve chosen by personal focus to be on Simplicity as a spiritual discipline. Last week I looked at “Simplicity of Time”, wanting to return my relationship with time to a place of holiness. In reviewing Guenther’s chapter on simplicity, I kept coming back to her comment, “do I really need to know what the weather is going to be like in Berlin, today?”

I realized how much time I spend each day checking my phone for information that may be important, but not to me. I check the weather multiple times a day, even when it is clear, and I always want to see what my friends are up to on Facebook and Instagram. I’ve tried a few things last week to check my phone usage and I estimate I’ve saved at least one hour per day! That hour has been a time of rest/relaxation that I haven’t had in a long time. I’m planning to keep at it again this week to see if I can make it permanent. I realized also that I pick up my phone when I’m bored, or when I’m faced with some difficult homework assignment that I’m trying to avoid. Asking myself why I keep picking up my phone is important also in breaking those bad habits I’ve acquired.

This is what I will be focusing on this week.

I subscribe to a number of notifications of retail vendors that I frequent because I like to know when they have sales. But instead of clicking on the REI email each time just to “see if there is anything I need”, I’m first going to ask, “Is there anything I need from REI?” If the answer is “No,” I’m going to delete the email without going to their website to look at the sale items.
I’m going to unsubscribe from all notifications for vendors that I didn’t subscribe to (I’m sure someone sold my information as I didn’t sign up for all these notices). Although it takes time to unsubscribe, I think it will save time in the long run.
I’m only going to check the weather once each morning, unless there is a significant storm predicted for the area. Throughout the day, I can look out the window as I contemplate creation and figure out the weather.
I’m only going to check Facebook and Instagram each evening. (This should save me a lot of time). Why do I feel like I need to know everything about my friends the minute that it happens?
I’m going to eliminate multi-tasking as much as feasible. When I’m listening to music, I’m going to listen to music. When I’m writing a homework paper, I’m going to write. When I’m watching a movie, I’m going to watch the movie. When I eat dinner, I’m going to eat dinner. My life for a number of years has been structured around constantly trying to “get caught up”. I am much more productive and efficient when I can concentrate on one task and not let my mind wonder.

I’ll be back next week to share with you how it goes. I had great feedback last week as one of my readers suggested that we should make time each day for some “Sabbath”. I’m incorporating that into this week’s plan, too!

Blessings, my friend

Agatha

The Holiness of Time, SSJE.org

Margaret Guenther in her book, The Practice of Prayer, says that simplicity calls for a “radical trust that does not come easily.” I’m glad to hear that it’s not second nature; I’ve been trying to lead a more simple life for decades. I either fail miserably or seem to have success for awhile and then slip back into bad habits.

Maybe I’m looking at simplicity from the wrong point of view. Guenther talks about attempts to return to nature by growing her own food and pumping water from her yard. I agree that it may be simple, but for me it is also impractical. There are things that I’m good at but relying on the earth totally for my subsistence is not one of them.

My focus this term in my Formation for Ministry class at Duke Divinity is Simplicity. It seems like it should be easy, but instead it is really hard. Perhaps if I take it slower over the next 8 weeks, I’ll have a better chance of figuring out what Simplicity really is and how it can provide me with freedom in my life.

One area that Guenther discusses is simplicity in time. She concedes that our lives and the lives of our families have become tightly scheduled to a degree unthinkable even a generation ago. But I still have 24 hours each day, just like everyone else. Guenther recommends returning to the intentionality of Sabbath even if we can’t manage a full 24-hours at one time. She talks about how we waste considerable time joylessly leaving the television on after our favorite program is over or reading the news for more than we need. She asks, “does it really matter to me what the weather is like in Berlin, today?”

I am guilty as charged.

This week, I plan to make a few changes toward an intentional Sabbath:

I’ll go to bed and arise at approximately the same time each day.
I’ll keep a time diary and log my “Sabbath time”, even if it is only in 1 hour increments. Tracking my Sabbath time may help me see where I can be more intentional.
I’ll schedule regular in-office hours for my part-time job at church.
At least once per day, I’ll schedule 15 minutes of Sabbath time in my calendar.

I’ll let you know how it goes as I make progress toward simplifying my time and returning time to a place of holiness in my life. I’m interested in your comments, too. How have you been able to simplify your life in the area of time?

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

On December 27th each year, we celebrate the Feast Day of St. John the Evangelist, writer of the Gospel and letters, and who many believe also wrote Revelation.

St. John’s Gospel is my favorite as I find it to be a constant encouragement and reminder that I am loved by God; I don’t have to earn my way into heaven.

The readings for the day include the story from John’s Gospel (21:9-24) when Jesus appeared to the disciples on the beach after the Resurrection and invites them to breakfast. He asks Peter three times if Peter loves him and of course Peter answers, “Lord, you know I love you.” Jesus responds, “feed my lambs,” “tend my sheep,” and “feed my sheep.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about pastoral care and how we are all called as followers of Jesus to care for others. Not just to say that we care, but to perform outward signs that show that we are caring for Jesus’s sheep.

My church, St. George’s Episcopal Church in Nashville, has participated in the Room in the Inn Winter Shelter program since 1986. We house 12 male guests twice a month, sharing a hot dinner with them and providing lodging for the night. We get them up early for breakfast and send them with a lunch to-go. This happens from November to March each year when the Nashville weather can turn cold.

It was 32 degrees the morning of December 22nd when our group of ladies from Room in the Inn boarded the bus to be returned to Room in the Inn campus in Downtown Nashville. I was glad they hadn’t slept outside the night before. It was the first time we’ve hosted women, and it was a delightful evening. A family came to make the cots and set the dinner tables. Another family and other volunteers brought food and served the dinner meal as we followed Jesus’s command to “feed His sheep and lambs”. We had an opportunity to eat with them and hear some of their stories. I served as an innkeeper with another lady as we spent the night, and lady bus drivers had an opportunity to “tend Jesus’s sheep” as they returned them to the Room in the Inn downtown campus.

We’ve scheduled more dates to host both Men and Women in 2024 in the Room in the Inn Winter Shelter Program. Jesus needn’t ask, “Do you love me?” When we love Jesus, we show Him by taking care of our neighbors.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve just returned from my second hike of the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I had such fond memories of my first trip in 2019, I wanted to go back since the day I returned. On the first trip I had gone not knowing anyone on the trip who then became my friends. This time I wanted to return to show friends the beauty and romance of the Spanish landscape and its people.

One thing I missed on my first trip had become a quest. Over twenty years ago, I began reading books and poems by St. John of the Cross. St. John of the Cross was born in 1542 in a Spanish town close to Ávila. In 1567 he was ordained a priest and worked with Teresa of Ávila to reform the Carmelite order to bring it back to its primitive roots.

His most familiar poem, Dark Night, describes how God purifies the soul passively and brings the theological life to perfection. There are two fundamental conditions in the spiritual process. There is the painful passage through the dark night and then the unspeakable joy of encountering God. I experienced that “dark night” on my first Camino in 2019 when I was walking the longest day of 18 miles. It wasn’t so much the physicality of the walking that became the dark night, but it was my inability to keep my mind occupied. It was only when I concentrated on Christ that I was able to overcome the darkness.

St. John was noted for his writings and teachings, but he also produced a small drawing of The Crucifixion around 1575 when he had a vision at the Monastery of the Incarnation in Ávila. We were unable to go to the Monastery on my trip in 2019 but it became an obsession of mine to see this small drawing.

My quest was realized this year. This sketch was revolutionary that anyone could claim to be so united with God that he would view the crucifixion from God’s perspective. This tiny drawing spurred a painting by Salvador Dali in 1951 that is in the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum in Glasgow.

My quest is fulfilled. The drawing is breath-taking.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

It was hot this Summer in Nashville, like miserably hot. I had stopped walking in my neighborhood because of the heat; even my gold retrievers thought the pavement was too hot for their paws. We’d play a bit in the backyard, but then they’d even beg to come back in the house.

Today it was a delightful 61 degrees in the early morning and my church has re-started a Walk in Love Gathering at Edwin Warner Park which is only minutes from my home here in Nashville.

It was lovely to take a stroll with a small group as the morning unfolded. First, we heard a few Celtic prayers and then for the next 15 minutes we walked in silence each meditating on the Scripture and asking how it was impacting me personally.

We stopped for a few minutes to share our stories and they were all different! We’d heard the same readings, but they meant something different to each one of us!

We continued on, chatting for the rest of the walk, turning to double back from a bird blind on the Hungry Hawk Trail.

I’d forgotten how nice it is to start the day with a walk with friends. In a March 2023 guest essay in the New York Times. Andrew McCarthy wrote, “Whatever the Problem, It’s Probably Solved by Walking.”

McCarthy quotes writer Rebecca Solnit that walking “is how the body measures itself against the earth.” McCarthy adds, “and through such physical communion, walking offers up its crowning gift by bringing us emotionally, even spiritually, home to ourselves.”

I’m planning on doing more walking, not just to get from point A to point B, but more of a wandering, letting the earth rise up to meet my feet, and letting my head clear in the fresh air of fall.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

(Photo of bird blind on Hungry Hawk Trail)

I always enjoy hearing from my readers, but this recent email is special: from Barbara, a “wife, mum and nanna in the UK.”

Barbara writes:

I just wanted to send you a little message to tell you what a blessing your book “You are loved: praying with John” is being to me. I am fairly new to praying with beads, and recently felt a drawing in my heart to grow in my belovedness, and to pray with Scripture, so your book seems heaven sent to me!

Several years ago, I did a wonderful Ignatian prayer journey with a spiritual director, which took a year to complete. It was a very precious time to me, and something very special happened during the week of praying about Jesus being baptised, and hearing His Fathers voice calling Him His beloved Son. I had been in a small shopping centre where I live, called The Royal Star Arcade, and as I was coming down some stairs, the warm sun was shining through a window, and a song began to play in the background. It was ‘My Girl’ by the Temptations. It seemed just for me, and sparkled with something heavenly, and so I whispered “Lord, could that be You singing Your love over me?” Well, since that day, He has sung it over me many times, and in such lovely ways. I remember going to sing to patients in our local hospital for the very first time, and feeling very nervous - I walked into my very first ward, and what should come on the radio, but “My Girl!”

The reason I am sharing this, is because despite His wonderful kindness to me, I don’t always feel like His beloved, which is probably why He has led me to your book! But…yesterday, while isolating and sitting in bed with covid, I quietly prayed through chapter one using my prayer beads. I sensed a couple of places where my heart was particularly drawn, and afterwards decided to write down what He might be saying to me…

“My child, I see you, even at times when you’re not aware of it. I know you…”

As I wrote ‘I know you’ I couldn’t believe what happened, for suddenly I could hear “My Girl” playing on the TV downstairs on a program that my husband was watching. I just closed my eyes in wonder and thankfulness, and then wrote…

“…and you are truly My Girl.”

This has so lifted my heart, and came about because of your lovely book, and I just wanted to write and let you know that ‘His overwhelming, abiding love’ that you mentioned in the preface…is coming through just as you had hoped!

Many blessings, in His wonderful love,

Barbara

Thank you, Barbara, for echoing that we are always God’s beloved.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

It is good to read the stories in the New Testament and have a general idea of the meaning or lesson that the Gospel writers were trying to convey in capturing the teachings of Jesus. But it is even more meaningful when you see the story being lived out in our modern world.

The Church of the Holy Trinity is an Episcopal Church in the Diocese of Tennessee located in downtown Nashville just a few blocks from the Rescue Mission. The church holds a worship service every Sunday at 1 PM for everyone in the neighborhood. After worship, they feed everyone a hot lunch and then have sack lunches that they can take with them. My church, St. George’s Episcopal Church is in the same diocese, and we support their “Church in the Yard” worship service and feeding program on the 2nd Sunday of each month. We have one team that cooks and assembles sandwiches on Saturday and then we attend worship and serve food on Sunday at Church of the Holy Trinity.

Yesterday was a very special day. It had been raining the weekend, so it was too muddy to have worship “in the yard” and the air conditioning had just gone out in the main church, so we had worship and fed everyone in the parish hall adjoining the church. We had 58 participants who attended worship and then 120 people who came for the hot lunch and sack lunch-to-go. It was a glorious day with people from all different nationalities and at different points in their journeys.

One of our guests was helping to pick up the disposable dishes and trash after people finished eating and asked if we could reserve a hot lunch (pasta bake and roll) and sack lunch with water and hold it for him since he was busy helping others. We put his lunches and water back to the side so he could retrieve it when we had finished feeding everyone. After one hour and 120 people, everyone was fed, and we were out of food and water. We were finishing cleaning up and had locked one door when a lady walked in and said, “Do you have any food?”. I was apologetic and told her we had completely run out for the day. She said, “What about water? Do you have any water?” Again, I told her I was sorry, but we had given out all the water that we had.

Just then, the gentleman helping with the trash came over and hearing the conversation, pointed to the lunches we’d reserved for him. He said, “Give her those”. We wanted to make sure we’d heard him correctly and asked, “Both lunches and the water? You want us to give her those that we’d saved for you?” He said, “Yes, everything”. As I handed her the hot lunch, lunch sack and water she started to cry as she walked off.

Of course, I was reminded of Jesus’s story in Mark 12:41-44. As the wealthy were putting large amounts of money into the temple treasury, Jesus took the disciples aside to explain to them how much more of a sacrifice the widow’s offering of a few coins was because she gave out of her poverty and put in everything in the offering that she had to live on.

That is what Jesus asks of us, too: to be willing to give up everything we have in His name.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

This Thursday of Holy Week is known as Maundy Thursday where we commemorate the Last Supper where Jesus celebrated his final meal with his disciples. After washing His disciples’ feet as a sign of humility, Jesus gave them a new commandment, “"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another" (John 13:34).

In Nashville this past week, we have experienced unspeakable grief with a school shooting at The Covenant School where three children, three adults, and the assailant perished within just a few minutes. We have unanswerable questions that keep swirling as to why a young person wants to take their life as well as the lives of others. It is as if the crucifixion was moved up on the calendar one week so we hear Pilate’s words to Jesus, “What is truth?”

But Jesus knew that Thursday that the end was near; less than 24 hours remained in our Lord’s earthly life. Events moved rapidly that evening: there was prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, betrayal by Judas, the arrest, mock trial, painful beating, the long walk to Golgotha and execution. In the Maundy Thursday service is the ancient custom of the Church in stripping the altar where all signs of comfort and life are removed to symbolize His suffering and death. Everything is removed, the altar cloths, the chair cushions, the candles, the prayer books. There is a silence that hovers as we watch in horror when we recognize that all our creaturely comforts are being removed from our lives, too. Tears begin to flow with small sobs as we realize the injustice that still exists in the world when an innocent people are killed.

The church lights are lowered, almost extinguished. There is just enough light for people to trudge their way out in silence, contemplating what it would be like if it were us going to our death in 24 hours instead of Him.

This year we gather again at 7:30PM Thursday to be reminded of our finitude and our fallenness as human beings. We have failed and we will fail again as evidenced by the condemning of an innocent man. This year we will also remember the other souls taken too soon who now rest in peace and rise in glory.

Please join me at our Maundy Thursday service at 7:30PM, St. George’s Episcopal Church, Nashville, TN.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

We wonder why it seems like God doesn’t hear our cries. With Lent around the corner, I’m reminded of days of fasting and abstinence growing up in the Roman Catholic church. There was a sacrifice involved, but it was hard to not forget and accidentally eat meat on a Friday. It didn’t seem that fasting brought me any closer to God.

In Isaiah 58, we hear the prophet crying out as it seems that God isn’t listening. The prophet begs for God to acknowledge the people and points out that they are fasting, worshiping, and studying the word of God all the time. Why does God continue to ignore their pleas?

In verses 6-9, God responds and is clear. God doesn’t want our fasting or even our worship, what God wants is for us to “break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed and cancel debts” (MSG). God wants us to share our food with the hungry, find homes for the homeless, put clothes on the ill-clad and be available to our own families.

Fasting, worshiping and studying are not bad in themselves. But unless they result in actions to love our neighbor and help others to flourish, God will continue to ignore our pleas.

I’m still contemplating where I will focus this Lenten season with Ash Wednesday only a few weeks away on February 22. I may fast some, I’ll continue to worship and study the Word, but I also plan to spend time taking care of God’s creation. My inword contemplation has to lead to outward actions for God to take notice and “turn the lights on.” “Then when you pray, God will answer.”

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

At Duke Divinity School, the Center for Spirituality, Theology and Health offers monthly webinars via zoom. I’m looking forward to the one this week: Spirituality, Recovery and Resilience: A Holistic Bio-Psycho-Social Spiritual Approach to Mental Health Treatment. (Anyone can join the free webinar: Tuesday, Jan 31, 2023, 11:00-12:00 CST. Zoom: https://duke.zoom.us/j/94380012247?pwd=aTZ2bUxWSWtQaG05bmFlNEQ4VXBpUT09)

I’ve been reading a lot about the changes the pandemic had on us socially: we’ve become more isolated and in many cases, lonely. That has manifested throughout the U.S. in tragedies such as an increase in deaths from opiate addiction and mass shootings as well as more subtle outbursts of anger and hopelessness on social media.

As a pharmacist, I practiced only occasionally in the area of psychopharmacy, but always wanted to know more about how our healthcare system considers mental health and ways that we can increase awareness. In my M.Div. program at Duke, I am also now interested in how spirituality and religion intersect with mental health.

Growing up, talking about mental health issues was taboo. In the recent hit, Encanto, the number one song is “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” in which Bruno is a family outcast and goes into hiding in his home. The first thing I thought was that Bruno had some issues that the family didn’t want to deal with so he was banished from being recognized as part of the family.

Watching Encanto for the first time made me realize that I have had mental health issues that I have “brushed under the rug” too. I’d become anorectic for a short time during my freshman year of college and that depression-caused eating disorder returned again during my treatment for breast cancer in 2008. It was never clear if my mother had become disoriented and taken too many morphine tablets or if was a more intentional desire to end her life when she was dying of cancer. One of my children threatened suicide prior to an intense two years of rehab and therapy and my husband had admittedly tried to drink himself to death during a time when I was in South Africa on a mission trip. I’ve had family members addicted to alcohol. Close friends have had friends or offspring with difficulties coping with life and unfortunately, some have resulted in suicide.

I have to first ask myself, “Why don’t we talk more about mental health and wellbeing?” I know that it seems like a somber topic, but we can’t keep pushing it aside. On my blog, the page that gets the most ‘hits’ is “Healing Prayer: For Those Suffering From Addiction.”

I’m going to start talking more about it and asking my friends frequently, “Are you okay? I’m here to just listen if you want to talk.”

It’s just a first step, but an important one in bringing Mental Health Awareness out into the sunlight.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Many of us had high expectations for 2022. After two years of the pandemic, 2022 had to be a better year. I heard a lot of people anxious to get back to “normal” and others vowed to make some changes and be thoughtful in their commitments. We were all relieved that the pandemic had subsided and that we had medications that at least made for lesser symptoms but did 2022 step up to our expectations?

This past week I’ve talked with many people who expressed disappointment that 2022 wasn’t what they had hoped. For me, I spent a lot of it recovering from emergency knee surgery which caused a lot of changed plans. I was thankful that I made it to my high school reunion in July but other trips with friends had to be cancelled. Twelve weeks with no driving and twenty weeks of physical therapy consumed my year as a constant reminder how physical limitations cause schedule adjustments. I was thankful for good friends who got me to doctor’s and physical therapy appointments and brought me food.

One close friend mused that we should lower our expectations for 2023. Maybe we want for too much. Wanting less will not change the circumstances but will at least cause us to see the year in a different light.

I’d like to suggest that we ask a different question. Instead of asking if 2023 will be a better year, as Christians we only have one question to answer: “Do we trust that God will make everything right?” This is a much harder question to answer, but more practical when we have hope that eventually God will make everything right and there will be a new heaven and earth. It might not happen in 2023, or even in our lifetime, but we must believe that in eternity, God will conquer evil where there will be no more tears, and death will be no more.

To all my friends who have lost loved ones in the past few years, or had their expectations dashed: we may experience disappointments and chaos again in 2023 but we must trust that God will make everything right.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I feel best when I am serving others. In recognizing and helping with the needs of other people, it forces me to focus on someone other than me. It prevents me from being self-centered and wanting everything to be perfect in my world. I am blessed with abundance in my life, but it is easy for me to take the bountiful harvest for granted. There are always needs to be met if we are willing to look outside of ourselves.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of helping a sister Episcopal church in Nashville with their Church in the Yard (CitY) service. Every Sunday this downtown church provides an outdoor worship service and then feeds anyone in the area. The Rescue Mission and Room in the Inn for the homeless are just blocks away and people come to worship in the church yard and then stay to eat. The plan is always for worship and food, but today it was too cold for an outdoor worship service. We still served a hot meal of pulled pork, cole slaw, and rolls and everyone got a sack lunch to go. We had 95 people to share lunch with today and it was a blessing for me to be able to participate in this wonderful ministry. We’ll continue to serve on the 2nd Sunday of each month as the weather gets colder and the needs become greater.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I seem to need to “return to center” frequently these days. The news across the world is tragic with wars and human oppression. The news seems relentless in its ability to promote anxiety. Regularly, I need to stop and to pray, but first I need to settle down into the right frame of mind to listen to what God is speaking to me. When I need to re-center, it is almost always that I turn to music before i am ready to return to God.

I have always loved all kinds of music but have been most intrigued by classical music. A few years ago, I invited a friend who likes rock and roll to go with me to a classical concert and he said, “I don’t know much about classical music, you’ll have to explain it to me.” And my reply: “It really isn’t to be explained but more about being experienced. The notes can take you anywhere your mind needs to be.”

This piece is by Johann Sebastian Bach with Andreas Scholl, a countertenor. It is from Bach’s Mass in B minor with this 6:38 section in the key of B flat-major and G minor. The Agnus Dei which means “Lamb of God” appears at the end of the mass and is based upon Christ’s final appearance to the disciples before his Ascension into heaven. It comes from John the Baptist’s words in John 1:29: “Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”

In addition to the music of the violins, I like that this is scored for an alto voice. I’m an alto and we never get a melody!

Link to: Agnus Dei by Johann Sebastian Bach with Andreas Scholl (8:07): https://vimeo.com/760898958

May Peace be with you.

Agatha

Santiago and Teresa

What if a Sabbath isn’t just about rest?

We first encounter Sabbath when God finished the work of creating the world and rested on the seventh day (Gen 2:2). In the next verse, God blesses the seventh day and declares it hallowed (or holy).

I’ve heard preaching about the Sabbath for years and many times the admonition is to attend a worship service and reframe from all work. I’ve always been a churchgoer, but as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to come close to avoiding all work and effort on a Sunday after worship. Whether it was cooking a Sunday meal or catching up on work (including homework), I have always had something on my “to-do” list that carried over into Sunday and again, I failed to “keep” the Sabbath.

I’m re-thinking Sabbath in light of the third verse in Genesis 2 in which God declares the Sabbath as a “holy” day. When God blesses the day, it becomes rich with blessings. Rather than a day of aimless rest, the day provides the space for us to keep focused on God.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel says, “The Sabbath is no time for personal anxiety or care, for any activity that might dampen the spirit of joy…it is a day for praise, not a day for petitions. Fasting, mourning, demonstrations of grief are forbidden.”

When I am engaging in activities which bring me joy, I am recognizing that my joy comes from God providing a richness of blessings. I have many things that bring me joy particularly a walk in the park, playing with my dogs and taking photographs. Being with friends also brings me joy.

I wonder if some activities that may be “work” to me, bring joy to others. Cooking can be joyful when feeding family and friends, or it can be “work” when done only for sustenance.

On my Sabbath day, I plan to concentrate on activities which recognize God as the creator and the source of all joy. It may look different every week, but in my joy I will keep the Sabbath holy and give praise to God through my worship and my energy. It even may involve quite a bit of activity!

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

This is a book review of a new book by Norman Wirzba: Agrarian Spirit: Cultivating Faith, Community and the Land (published August 1, 2022)

A man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years was healed by Jesus in Bethesda (John 5:1-15). In Luke 8:43-48, Jesus healed a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years in Capernaum.

I’ve wondered about the healing miracles. How did Jesus choose who to heal? It appears that having faith (or having friends or loved ones with faith) has a lot to do with it. The invalid had been suffering long before Jesus was even born, and we presume that the woman had recently come to faith because she’d heard of Jesus’ healing. But in one moment, both were healed.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately wondering about healing and faith and listening to God. I fell and broke my kneecap in March and had surgery in April. After sixteen weeks I’m just getting back to driving and walking without a brace or cane. I still have physical therapy to go but am expected to make a full recovery and for that I am thankful.

For me, healing didn’t come in one decisive blow. It has been very gradual these past 16 weeks, more like the blind man in Bethsaida who first sees trees and then later sees people (Mark 8:22-25) before his vision is finally fully restored.

I believe that emotional healing is the same for me as physical healing. It takes more time and is a bit unpredictable. The emotional loss of a good friend, or a contentious personal relationship may take a while to heal and I can’t hurry it.

I’m resting now in the understanding that healing is on God’s time, not mine and I can be assured that he will bind every wound and wipe away every tear.

I pray that we all take the time we need to heal from physical, emotional, and spiritual ailments. We can’t hurry God’s time, but instead we can rest in the knowledge that God will heal us.

Peace, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve been reaching for my prayer beads a lot lately. I grew up an hour away from Buffalo, NY and lived in San Antonio, TX for ten years which is also about 1-1/2 hours away from Uvalde, TX.

I grew up saying the rosary as a Roman Catholic when the prayers were comforting particularly when my brother and grandmother died when I was seven. It seemed like I could hear their voices saying the prayers along with me as the beads moved within my hands.

I enjoy the rhythms of prayer, and now I’ve adopted the practice with Anglican Prayer Beads. It’s a little different from the Roman Catholic Rosary which has set prayers. With Anglican Prayer Beads, it is more free-form; you can say the same prayer over and over again (33 times for the number of years Jesus was on Earth), or you can say a variety of prayers. My favorite Gospel is the Gospel of John and I find comfort when I pray verses from the Gospel and John’s letters. During despair, it reminds me that Jesus commanded us to not be afraid and that we are loved.

Lately though I’ve used my Anglican Prayer Beads a little differently. There were ten people killed in the Buffalo Tops Friendly Market on May 14, 2022 and twenty-one elementary students and teachers in Uvalde, TX on May 24 at Robb Elementary School, just ten days later. I’m honoring these 31 people by saying each of their names (Buffalo, Uvalde), and repeating these three verses from the Gospel of John as I move along the beads.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light. (3:19)

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” (11:23)

Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of the light.” (12:35-36)

On the last two beads, I’m ending with:

✟ Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (13:1)

✟ “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you… Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (14:27)

I’m going to keep praying for these thirty-one children of God to rise in glory and rest in peace. I’m also praying that laws will be changed to stop these tragedies from happening over and over again.

Peace, my friend,

Agatha

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You Are Loved: Praying with John: Contemplative Prayer Using Anglican Prayer Beads

In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about the body as a unit being made up of many parts and that God has arranged them all just the way God wanted them (18). Paul goes on to say, “those parts of the body that seem weaker are indispensable (22).

I was glad to re-read these verses this week for reassurance that all God has made is important and all works together to serve God.

In March I fell in some water at the house and broke my right kneecap resulting in surgery in April. I’ve been in a knee immobilizer for 4 weeks and just started 6 weeks of physical therapy yesterday. We are all predicting and praying for a complete recovery with a return to walking and playing golf in the future.

But for now, it seems I’m on somewhat of an extended rest. No driving and limited walking to reduce the swelling and help the healing. I’m a good patient, but this is certainly not what I’d planned for in retirement! This was the summer for Divinity School (I’m on medical leave), my post-retirement reward of a Holy Land cruise with an old friend (cancelled), and medical leave from my golf club.

Although not specifically called out by Paul like hands, eyes, ears, a nose, and feet, I’ve come to appreciate how important two working and healthy knees are!

I’ve also have realized just how much “busyness” I had planned post-pandemic. My God has slowed me down to a crawl and for that I am thankful. I have the luxury of reading good books and keeping up with my friends via calls, emails or texts. I have wonderful friends from church that have fed me and shuttled me to doctor’s appointments, and friends from afar sent comforting gifts and texts/calls to remind me of our friendships. I’ve slowed down enough to appreciate those kindnesses more than all the other “activities” I had planned.

I am also learning that everything doesn’t have to happen “right now”. Hopefully school will resume in the Fall, golf will restart at some point in the future and there will always be another cruise or vacation to take with my friend.

I know Paul was talking about how each of us has different spiritual gifts and that no one contributes more or less to furthering the kingdom of God. But on a practical standpoint, I’m glad he used our physical bodies for the metaphor. We need to take care of our bodies as well so that we can use our spiritual gifts to the fullest.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I return to thoughts of my time walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain in 2019 almost every day. It was my last great adventure before the pandemic and it was spiritually enriching, clarifying what retirement from full-time employment would look like. It was my Camino that eventually led to a renewed dedication to my faith and enrollment at Duke Divinity School in Durham, NC where I’ve just completed my second term in a Master of Divinity degree. It is a hybrid program so that I can continue to work part-time at my church in Nashville and take most of the classwork on-line.

As I write today, there is a tremendous amount of suffering in the world. Refugees are fleeing their homelands with the war in Ukraine adding to the recent influx of Afghans in Middle Tennessee. I am unable to imagine what it is like to have your home destroyed by mortar shells and huddle in subways for warmth, planning an escape.

This past week my thoughts returned to one photo from my trip to Spain: Cristo con brazo caido (Christ with the fallen arm). I was stunned when I walked into the chapel in Furelos, Spain and I sat for a long time contemplating the vision of the artist.

Christ reaches his right arm down to us, beckoning for us to join him on the cross. In this life, we will have many troubles and suffer much, just as Christ suffered on the cross. We are never alone, Christ reaches down to pull us closer to him, not just to share his suffering but also to share his love.

I hope that you have a blessed and fruitful Holy Week. As we are reminded of Christ’s suffering, we are also reminded of his strong arms holding us tightly with his love.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

I’ve prayed with prayer beads for most of my life, both Roman Catholic rosaries and Anglican prayer beads. I like the flexibility with the Anglican prayer beads because there are no set prayers. Sometimes I pray for 33 of my friends; either for their health or in thanksgiving they are my friends. Other times I pray through the Psalms. It is this flexibility that led me to write: You Are Loved: Praying with John which has verses from the Gospel and Letters of John that are said with Anglican Prayer Beads. I can’t hear enough how much God loves me and it is comforting to read the familiar words when the world seems awry.

I’ve done a short video (10:43) that explains the history of prayer beads and includes the first chapter of John from my book. I hope you enjoy this ancient spiritual practice and will consider making it part of your routine as we find ways to go deeper into God’s presence.

You Are Loved: Praying with John: Video Link.

Questions? Or leave a comment here on your experience.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

(Amazon link to purchase print or Kindle copies of the book)

You Are Loved: Praying with John: Contemplative Prayer Using Anglican Prayer Beads

As I embark on my quest to be a better disciple, I’ve been studying core courses at Duke University in Old Testament. I hear lots of Scripture read and preached each Sunday as we follow the Revised Common Lectionary, but I am coming to understand that the parts that we don’t read in the three-year cycle may be as important as those we do, particularly in understanding the character of God.

My preconceived notion was that the God of the Old Testament was a vengeful God, whereas the Jesus of the New Testament was the conciliatory, loving version, but the scene in all four Gospels of Jesus overthrowing the tables of the money changers in the temple and casting them out seemed out of character for this shepherd of lost sheep!

Our lively student discussion helped me to see that my impression of God in the Old Testament is distorted, just like my impression of Jesus in the New Testament.

In studying Isaiah, the prophet points out the grandeur of God’s anger, “Who among us can dwell with the devouring fire?”, “Who among us can dwell with everlasting burnings?” (Isa 33:14), but Abraham Heschel (The Prophets) brings clarity to the relationship between God and God’s people:

However, the destructiveness of God’s power is not due to God’s hostility to man, but God’s concern for righteousness, to God’s intolerance of injustice. The human mind seems to have no sense for the true dimension of man’s cruelty to man. God’s anger is fierce because man’s cruelty is infernal (p. 101).

Heschel continues, “Significantly, the speech that opens the book of Isaiah (1:2-3) deals not with anger, but with the sorrow of God. The prophet pleads with us to understand the plight of a father whom his children have abandoned” (p. 101).

If God is not always looking for opportunities to punish me just out of cruelness, but instead is looking for reconciliation, how does that change my perspective of God (and correspondingly of Jesus)?

I won’t ever have complete answers to my questions, but I am traveling down a new path of understanding.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

*Image: The Prophet Isaiah- Michelangelo, 1508-1512, Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

My whole life changed on a trip to South Africa in 2007 when I was recovering from breast cancer. It was then that I met Archbishop Desmond Tutu for the first time. I wrote a memoir which included details about the trip and my book jacket says: “But it wasn’t until I traveled to South Africa in 2007 that I learned about forgiveness and love after meeting Archbishop Desmond Tutu. When I returned to Nashville, TN, I started living a life of freedom and rest.”

I was saddened to hear of his passing yesterday morning as the world has lost a great light. I met him three other times on mission trips to South Africa. He graciously signed an Anglican Prayer Book (1989) for me on my trip in 2010. I blog frequently from the prayer book as well as books he authored. His words are inspiring and often challenging:

“If we could but recognize our common humanity, that we do belong together, that our destinies are bound up in one another’s, that we can be free only together, that we can survive only together, that we can be human only together, then a glorious world would come into being where all of us lived harmoniously together as members of one family, the human family.”

Desmond Tutu wrote in the foreword to Rowan William’s book, Where God Happens: “…we want to be helped, all of us…to find our way back home to our true rest…our hearts will remain forever restless until we find our true rest only in God.”

In a writer’s conference in 2011, I was asked to name four people I most admire. Three were personal friends, and the fourth was Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The conference then asked us to write a few sentences that are a composite of who we admire so can recognize what God’s purpose is for our lives. As I re-read it now, I realize the impact that Archbishop Tutu had on my faith:

"I want to become a…steadfast Christian who lives in the world but exhibits Jesus’ love and faithfulness in day-to-day life by loving others, even strangers, recognizing that all my time and monies belong to God and to trust God in all things, even the painful seasons of life, forgiving all wrongs and praying only, “Thy will be done.”

In his book, Believe, Desmond Tutu wrote:

Nothing is too much trouble for love.

May he rest in peace and rise in glory.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

Chasing My Father

The Hebrew word for psalm, mizmôr, has a root that means “to pluck” as in a stringed instrument. The Psalms are meant to be sung as we hear in monasteries throughout the world.

The Psalms are divided into five books, perhaps to suggest the division of the Torah, and are also grouped into five types: thanksgiving, royalty, wisdom, lament, and praise.

Each Psalm can help us in different situations and today’s reading is from Psalm 85. Verse 8 is:

“I will listen to what the Lord God is saying,

For he is speaking peace to his faithful people

And to those who turn their hearts to him.”

I have to be constantly reminded to listen for God’s voice. Although I’ve lived a long time and encountered many situations, each one is unique in its own time. I can’t rely on my past experiences to be duplicated in the future. It’s what makes life exciting: I learn something new about God every day!

In Psalm 85 we have a promise that God will speak to us and to speak peace. It is only up to us to be faithful and turn our hearts to God; God will take care of all the rest.

In studying the Old Testament, I’m learning new things about God, particularly that God is faithful to his chosen people. That brings me great comfort in an unpredictable world with unknown outcomes. But God loves his people and will deliver us in peace.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

The story is familiar: this is the season where we await the birth of a baby that changed the world.

Growing up Roman Catholic and now Episcopalian, I enjoy the familiar rhythms of the liturgical year. Advent starts the new year with four Sundays before the Christmas season.

With Ol’ St. Nick and gift exchanges, everyone knows the story of the baby in the manger born under the stars surrounded by parents and a few barnyard animals. It’s a lovely story of a cooing baby who is born of humble beginnings but grows into the manhood destined for him. It’s hard not to love a newborn!

But if we follow the liturgical calendar, we know how the story ends. As we proceed through the church year, we see scenes of Christ growing up in the Jewish traditions of the time and then being recognized as a great teacher and preacher. It is when signs and miracles start occurring (like turning the water into wine at Cana), that people start sitting up straight and noticing: this is not just the son of the carpenter from Nazareth, there is more in this embodied figure that is beyond our understanding.

We do know how the story continues through the rest of the year with the denials, persecutions and the crucifixion. Hopefully we make it to Easter and to the resurrected Christ who gives us all hope.

But that isn’t the end of the story. All the Gospels stop shortly after the Resurrection. Just as Paul Harvey would say at the end of each episode of his radio program, “Now you know….the rest of the story”, and we as Christians know the rest of the story, too.

Our readings for the 1st Sunday of Advent include Jeremiah 33:14-16 where we are told that there will be a day where Jesus will “execute justice and righteousness in the land.” We have hope in this described future where heaven and earth will be reunited, not as a formless void that we read of in Genesis 1, but instead a blending of heaven and earth where everything and everyone lives in perfect harmony and where there will be “no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain.” (Rev 21:4)

I believe that my job here is to peel back one corner of heaven to show everyone what that perfect world will look like as it breaks into our time right now here on earth. And that really is, the “rest of the story.”

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Many churches have “stewardship campaigns” in the fall when church members pledge how much they will be able to monetarily support the church in the coming year. Knowing this amount and applying historical information allows churches to predict both income and expenses to ensure a balanced budget.

In Deuteronomy we are instructed to “set aside a tenth” of the following resources: seed, grain, wine, oil, and firstlings of herds and flocks, and to gather our family and extended family to eat the meal together as a sacrificial meal in a place chosen by God. This sounds a lot like church on Sunday morning and the celebration of the Eucharist to me!

In our Old Testament class this term, we’ve been studying Genesis through Nehemiah. I’d always skimmed over these books but studying them in school made me slow down and really read them. Our midterm paper was on the Mishkan, the building of the Tabernacle where God would reside. In Exodus chapter 36 we read about the two craftsman, Bezalel and Oholiab who were called by the Lord to construct the sanctuary according to God’s detailed instructions. In verses 5 and 6 we hear that the skilled artisans said to Moses, “The people are bringing much more than enough for doing the work that the Lord has commanded us to do. So Moses gave command, and word was proclaimed throughout the camp: “No man or woman is to make anything else as an offering for the sanctuary.” So the people were restrained from bringing; for what they had already brought was more than enough to do all the work.”

What would it be like if the pledges that we make to our churches this stewardship season were so many that the Lord said, “Stop! Enough! What you have brought is more than enough to do all the work in my name.”

I pray for a bountiful harvest and a season of generous followers of the Lord.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Osamu Fujimura by Bruce Herman

November 1 is All Saints’ Day where we celebrate the Communion of Saints. We’ve lost many loved ones these past 20 months and we’ve had little time to grieve. This is my last week of Preaching class at Duke Divinity School and I chose to preach on the Gospel reading for today from the Gospel of John. We’ll be moving the actual celebration to next Sunday so that we can celebrate together and welcome new members into our church through baptism.

It’s a little over 10 minutes long. I’d appreciate your feedback on the message and the delivery of the sermon. It has been a wonderful class and I’ve learned so much, and I hope to continue to hone the craft of preaching in the years to come.

LINK to Video: https://vimeo.com/640731828

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

This week’s preaching assignment is to provide the CONCLUSION only to a sermon. I chose the Gospel reading in Mark when James and John ask Jesus to be appointed to sit at his right and left hand. This is a short one: 1:44.

Here’s the link to the video: Video#4 Agatha Nolen Mark 10_35-45_Trim.mp4

This week’s Preaching assignment was to tell something that we know about God (in 3 minutes). I know God is a miracle worker and here is the story.

Blessings,
Agatha

link to video: https://vimeo.com/622565021

Our first “full-length” sermon was due this week for Preaching in the Digital Age Class and I’ve included it here. I value your feedback to make me a better preacher. The first 1:50 is a reading of the text from the NRSV and the remainder is the homily. I read from the text, but the sermon was preached without a manuscript. Could you answer the following questions in evaluating my sermon?

In one sentence, what was the sermon about?
What was the “Good News” from the Scripture?
Did I convince you why you should care about the “Good News”?
Was I clear on how the “Good News” changed me?

Thanks for your feedback!
Blessings,

Agatha

Link to Video: https://vimeo.com/manage/videos/613998782

The Bible Project

This week’s preaching is on Isaiah 7:3-14. Please give me some honest feedback and contrast this to last week’s video.

I particularly struggled with shadows in the video from my glasses (so I took them off after reading). Was that move distracting?

Also—was it better last week to have the “picture in a picture” view where the Scripture reading was displayed at all times, and my image was just captured as a smaller image rather than full screen?

I didn’t use notes or a manuscript to preach. I hope that came across as sincere.

Thanks for helping me to understand better the craft of preaching!

link to video: https://vimeo.com/manage/videos/610011003

Blessings,
Agatha

This week in our Preaching in the Digital Age class we learned a lot about technology and its usefulness in spreading the Good News both through worship services and extemporaneous short homilies posted on social media. Father Cathie does a 2 minute “GOOD NEWS” episode each Monday morning on social media. We are learning a lot about what works and doesn’t work, but also to accept that mistakes will happen!

This week’s Scripture for our Preaching practice is 1 Corinthians 3:1-9. We have a few minutes to compose a sermon and then preach it! I compared Paul’s discussion about division in the first few verses with his description of division in the last. You can see the video below. Please give me honest (but kind) feedback as the point of the class is to give us practical preaching experience and be able to improve on our craft of preaching. I can use your help to identify things you liked, and things that I can improve upon. Thank you for being willing to listen as I listen and speak about God’s words in my life.

Blessings,
Agatha

In our Spiritual Formation class for first-year M.Div. students we are reading, So Much Better: How Thousands of Pastors Help Each Other Thrive (The SPE Peer Learning Project) (2013). The early chapters of the book talk about forming peer groups of ministers and pastors who, “(1) gather around their calling; (2) make an intentional covenant for spiritual support, theological challenge and mutual accountability; (3) spend time with one another in prayer, at meals, and through travel; and (4) take what (and how) they’ve learned into their ministries. In doing so, they replicate a first-century disciple model. This kind of peer learning is sacred practice.” (p. 5)

It was exciting to read case studies of successful peer groups, particularly among women clergy, but I found myself asking on each page, “Why wait?”

My M.Div. is a hybrid program so I’m in residence at Duke University in Durham, NC for three weeks each year (one each in August, January, and May). These “intensive weeks” start our new semester and my first one was two weeks ago.

We started with a Spiritual Formation retreat on Saturday at the Chestnut Ridge Camp and Retreat Center about 25 miles from Durham. I was a little early (as usual) and had my choice of places to sit in our opening session. We were “three to a table” and I picked a table in the back. As I introduced myself to the lone occupant, I mentioned I was from Nashville and she said, “A small world; I’m from Knoxville.”

So the first person I meet is Director of worship and discipleship at a Methodist church in Knoxville!

After our opening session at the retreat, we had a choice of 3 outdoor activities for an hour. My new friend and I chose to “beautify” the campground by picking up trash. As we assembled our new group, we did introductions and met two more ladies from Tennessee, this time both in the Middle Tennessee area! One works at a Methodist Church and another for a local non-profit.

How great it was to have a group of “Holy Friendships” in the first 30 minutes!! And no need to wait until we have completed our M.Div. program. We studied together, discussed homework, ate together and worshiped together at Morning Prayer to start each day throughout intensive week. And now that we are in the Zoom portion of our classes for the rest of the semester, I get to see them each week in our classes on-line (not to mention texts in-between!)

And we’ll travel together as we’ll all be together for three weeks each year for the next four years!!

I am blessed to have found these lovely, faith-filled ladies within minutes of my arrival.

One professor said that the relationships we form may be even more important than the classes in which we’ll learn.

I think he’s right.

Blessings to my old friends and new friends,
Agatha

Last week was “intensive week” at Duke Divinity School. Yes, I’ve enrolled in the 4-year M.Div.-Hybrid program where I’ll be on campus in Durham, NC three weeks each year (August, January, May) and then have synchronous on-line classes for the remainder of the semesters.

I won’t be in an ordination track but instead hope to be a better disciple and devote more time and attention to serving as a lay leader in my church. I fully expected to approach these studies as I had with all other academic programs: with a serious intensity to learning.

Something is different about this program and the people I’ve met. All the professors emphasized that this is not about being the best preacher or even the best student, but instead it is about being formed in the likeness of Christ and growing into our individual spiritual gifts. It may mean being the best at some aspect, but it is not a competition. They all echoed that their job is not to “inform” us, but instead to “form” us.

I was amazed at the “joy” from both the professors and my fellow students! This is the largest incoming class in the history of Duke Divinity, so we have already made history by just showing up. It is as if God declared us “beloved” before we’ve had a chance to do anything! What a wonderful nurturing feeling to be in this new community.

The past 18 months have not had a lot of joy. The ravages of the COVID pandemic on healthcare workers and individual families have brought untold grief that has left virtually no one untouched. As my father would say, “If it weren’t for bad news, there wouldn’t be any news at all.”

But then there is God among us, encouraging us as we hear in Psalm 126:5-6: “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.”

In my preaching class, we are reading a book by Susan Sparks, “Preaching Punchlines: The Ten Commandments of Comedy”. As an American Baptist pastor, Susan encourages us to put some joy back into our lives and to “write down three to five funny things every day.” This shouldn’t be too hard for me with a rambunctious two-year-old golden retriever!

I plan to look for joy every day, even though it may be in hiding like “good news.” Hopefully you will hear that joy in one of my future sermons!

Blessings,
Agatha

Using prayer beads is an ancient monastic tradition. This new book uses the Gospel and Letters of John to inspire us to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to us through the verses using Anglican Prayer Beads.

You Are Loved: Praying with John: Contemplative Prayer Using Anglican Prayer Beads

In Ephesians Chapters 4-5, Paul provides us with practical advice on how to best live in our neighborhood. In addition to “putting away falsehood”, Paul tells us to be “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” These words echo hollowly in my head when I scroll through my Facebook feed, or glance at the evening news. Most posts appear to be anything but kind.

Paul talks about speaking truth to each other not only because it is the right thing to do but also because as a community we are linked inseparately to each other. A lawyer wants to know how he can inherit eternal life and Jesus responds “love your neighbor as yourself”. Of course, the lawyer wants more definition and asks Jesus (Luke 10:29), “Who is my neighbor?” but the lawyer’s unspoken question is “Who Am I?”

Later in Ephesians, Paul tells us to put away bitterness, wrath and anger as well as slander and malice or we will be making room for the devil. We can apply this wisdom to others but also to ourselves. Are we bitter when things don’t work out the way we want, or do we experience anger when others appear to be more successful than we are? (Jesus doesn’t say to never get angry, but he asks us to deal with it, so it doesn’t lead to sin).

If God is personified in our neighbors and ourselves, when we get angry, we are really getting angry at God. Is that how we really feel about God?

Paul reminds us that first God has forgiven us. We do not have to learn to forgive on our own; we have a teacher. Paul says in 5:1-2, “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love..”

If we truly believe and live in God’s love, it is natural for us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another…”.

God has forgiven us and we need to imitate God by living in love.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Only in John’s Gospel do we read the story of Jesus healing the paralytic at the Bethesda Pool by the Sheep’s Gate in Jerusalem. Tradition held that the first person immersed in the water would be completely healed. When Jesus encounters a man outside the pool and learns he has been an invalid for 38 years he asks him if he wants to get well (John 5:6). The man really doesn’t answer Jesus’ question but complains, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Jesus appreciates the man’s predicament and heals him on the spot, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk. At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.” (John 5:8-9)

The Synoptic Gospels all have another story about a paralyzed man on a mat being healed, but it is slightly different (Matthew 9:1-8, Mark 2:1-12, Luke 5:17-26).

In these stories, Jesus is outside of Capernaum and a crowd has gathered in a house to hear him teach and preach. It is so crowded, no one else can get in. But four friends of a paralyzed man have also heard of Jesus’ healing power, and they are determined to get their friend close to Jesus. So, they cut a hole in the roof and lower the man on his mat into the house where Jesus is.

In these accounts, Jesus doesn’t ask the man on the mat any questions, instead all three Gospels recount, “When Jesus saw their faith, he said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven…So he said to the paralyzed man, ‘I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.’ Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. (Luke 5: 20, 24-25)

At the Bethesda pool, the man has no friends to help him; in the Synoptic Gospels the man is healed because of his friends, “When Jesus saw their faith...” In all these stories, the paralyzed man isn’t asked to demonstrate his faith in order to receive healing.

In studying these Scripture verses, I’ve been asking myself two questions:

Are there people I know that need my prayers (to get to the healing pool (Jesus) first)?
Will Jesus recognize that my faith is strong and heal the people I pray for?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Image: Baptistry Wall Painting: Christ Healing the Paralytic, Paint on Plaster, ca. 232 CE, Yale University Art Gallery

Two years ago I started planning for my retirement from full-time employment in healthcare and I also started an informal process of “discernment” about what I would be doing with all the “extra time”.

In my denomination, Episcopal, there is a formal process for those seeking ordination to the clergy or diaconate. I’ve served on a handful of those committees and as part of the process asked myself if I was feeling a calling to become clergy. In all cases, the answer has returned as a “no.”

I knew I wanted to spend time in service to God, but what does that look like as a layperson? I asked a few close friends to help with the process by listening to me and probing me with questions when I was gravitating toward one area or another.

Over the past two years they’ve asked insightful questions:

“What have you done that has brought you joy?”

“What are the ministries that you are passionate about in serving the Lord?”

“Is there a person, place or activity that consistently centers your spirit, that reconfirms your person?”

I didn’t always have the direct answer to the questions, but they made me think.

I knew the next chapter would be focused on growing in my faith as a disciple of Jesus.

The Way of Love is a way of life in the Episcopal church. I’ve been studying the seven elements since attending an Episcopal Revival in Honduras in 2018: Turn, Learn, Pray, Worship, Bless, Go, and Rest.

After three years of prayerful thought, I retired in August 2020. I will be focusing on “Learn” for the next few years as I’ll be enrolling as a Hybrid Master of Divinity student at Duke Divinity School this Fall. I’ll be able to continue to live in Nashville traveling to Durham, NC for three residency weeks each year and then synchronous on-line classes for the remainder of the semester. This will allow me to continue to serve in my current ministries in Nashville, and even explore new ones as I journey through the program. I’m excited to be studying Old Testament in my first semester.

The thought of meeting new students and professors and engaging in religious discussions brings me great joy! I hope to learn how to help people see their own lives in Scripture.

Please add me to your prayer list for this new adventure. I pray also that you will find what brings you joy and centers your being, and that you will pursue it for the glory of God.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Much of art depicts the struggle of man against man in the spiritual quest for meaning. Picasso was renowned in Cubism in being able to take a familiar object, dismantle it and then re-assemble it. It is still recognizable, but in a distinctly new form.

I had the privilege of revisiting a favorite artwork: Man on Fire, the mural by José Clemente Orozco in the cupola of the Hospicio Cabañas, Guadalajara. It has become known as the Sistine Chapel of the Americas and my hosts were Michael and Cecilia Shibya Nolen.

Just like the future is unknown, so too is the face of The Man of Fire, hidden and indistinct as the flames lick across his head and neck and surround his entire body. He is the idealized future where people will cast off the notions of culture, race and nationality. Chains that have enslaved humankind throughout its history.

Orozco dreamed of a world where a new race would be forged out of the fires of the chaotic world. A united humanity freed from prejudices that are associated with race. In the past, when the Spaniards came to the New World and encountered the Indigenous Peoples, there was conflict and violence. But out of this “fire,” a new race was formed with its own distinct culture and identity.

In the corner are four men representing Earth’s four races. Their arms are stretched above their heads, holding up the great weight of the circle that represents the Earth. Their muscles are bulging with strain, symbolizing how society has repressed mankind through its political and religious institutions despite their promises for a better world.

Gazing at this masterpiece after a long year of the pandemic, I am reminded of the people that we have lost both in their suffering and the suffering they have left behind as we balanced policies against life.

Orozco believed that the human spirit is unquenchable, regardless of the horrors or cruelties that men inflect on men. After this deconstruction period, it is time for us to relaunch our spiritual quest to determine meaning for our life and our faith as we emerge from this time of fire.

Will we be reconstructed in a different way to alleviate the suffering of our fellow man instead of casting him into the flames in our endless pursuit of power?

Are there spiritual disciplines that you will resume, or adopt as we emerge from the ashes?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

My parents instilled in me that decisions have consequences. It was unfortunate that Jon Rahm had to withdraw from the Memorial Golf Tournament this weekend for a positive COVID-19 test after taking a 6-shot lead on Saturday. Jon missed out on winning the tournament and also the $1.675 million top prize. Rahm has made over $3.8 million on the Tour this year with a current ranking of #12 of money-earners. In addition, he will have to self-isolate for 10 days which will mean a shortened practice schedule for the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines June 14-20.

It hasn’t been clear from the news media if Jon had gotten vaccinated, but he was on the COVID-19 contact tracing protocol after it was discovered Monday that he had been in close contact with someone who was positively diagnosed. As vaccinations were more readily available, the PGA Tour updated its testing protocol on April 19, 2021, so fully vaccinated individuals no longer were subject to routine testing, and if they came in contact with an individual, they no longer needed to quarantine.

It appears that making a decision to not get vaccinated may have been a costly decision for Rahm.

I can share the anguish of playing the best golf round of my life, but having to cut it short so it doesn’t count. It has happened to me a number of times, but always out of my control as it was weather-related. I don’t know how it would feel to know that I could have won a tournament if I’d made a different decision.

Some decisions are straight-forward and we know that they are wrong when we make them.

Others are more subtle where the consequences aren’t assured, and we are weighing the pros and cons to determine the correct path. Even then, sometimes the pros and cons aren’t clear, or are rapidly changing, like our understanding of COVID-19 transmission and precautions.

I’m sorry for Jon; it sounds like he is asymptomatic and hopefully will go on to win other golf tournaments. But it is a good lesson for all of us: decisions matter.

I spend some time in prayer before big decisions. Hopefully the right path will become clear and I will have the wisdom to take the correct fork in the road.

P.S.- I just started working Sudoku puzzles. Seems like if I make a wrong decision, I have to completely start over at the beginning. Each decision has extreme consequences if it’s not the right one.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Photo credit: Jordan Spieth tees off on 12 during the third round of the Memorial Tournament at Muirfield Village Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio on Saturday, June 5, 2021. Photo by The Columbus Dispatch

Cheekwood, Nashville, TN, 2021

Yesterday was Pentecost Sunday where the Christian denominations celebrate the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples as detailed in the Book of Acts, chapter 2. Matthias had replaced Judas and we read that all the disciples were together in one place where they experienced a violent wind and saw tongues of fire while they were filled with the Holy Spirit.

The structure of the liturgical year reminds us of significant happenings in the life of Christ so that we re-live the theological rhythm each year. In some seasons like Advent and Lent we are encouraged to “wait” for the eventual big event. Although patience is rewarded, I wonder if that causes us to be too hesitant in becoming a disciple of Christ. It isn’t a one-time event, but a constant day-to-day experience as we learn more about how Jesus lived his life and consequently the nature of God.

What if we approached each day as a new way to experience Pentecost?

If we live in the present and are constantly looking for God, we may start seeing him everywhere: in the eyes of a friend, the blossoming of a flower, or a piece of art or book that speaks to us in a new way. We don’t have to wait for a howling wind or the ravages of fire.

Celebrating milestones and big events are joyous occasions. But let’s not overlook the day to day that brings us closer to God.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The Prodigal Son, Rembrandt van Rijn, c. 1669, The Hermitage Museum, St Petersburg, Russia

I’ve enjoyed photography ever since I received my first Kodak camera when I was ten years old. Photos hold memories of travels and people and the experiences we’ve shared. They also have allowed me to dwell in God’s creation like birds at the zoo, or a mountain range at dawn, when a moment is captured forever.

As we begin venturing out from the pandemic, I’m taking my digital camera along with me and I’m often amazed when I look at the images later that they aren’t exactly the way I remember them.

My eyes and mind often distort an image, making me “see” it the way I want. I marvel at a beautiful rose only to find that when I later look at its image, I see that one petal is malformed, maybe caught in too much sunshine or too much rain.

What photography is showing me is that things look differently depending upon the lens you are looking through. My wide angle lens captures more in the image, but it distorts the view where closer objects appear bigger than those farther away, even when they are the same size.

My telephoto lens zooms in on the bird in the zoo, revealing details that I can’t see from behind the railing.

The perspective that we get from different viewpoints applies in relationships, too. In Luke 15:11-32, we hear the Parable of the Lost Son. We learn through dialogue that the wayward son’s return is perceived very differently by the father and the older brother. Rembrandt has introduced onlookers into his painting of the reunion. What do they think of this unusual scene? Do they think the father is crazy for taking back his wayward son who had squandered his portion of the inheritance, or do they see the compassion in the father’s eyes and understand the meaning of God’s mercy and grace?

I’d like to develop the insight of Rembrandt: to understand the different perspectives that people have when perceiving the same scene. Whether it is politics, social issues, or issues of faith, if I can put myself in your shoes, we’ll be able to have a better, more intimate conversation than if I only see from my own narrow perspective.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

SSJE, Cambridge, MA

I participated in a live-stream on May 1, 2021 of the Holy Eucharist celebrating the Feast of St. John the Evangelist with the Brothers of the Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA. Ordinarily, as members of the Fellowship of St. John the Evangelist, we would participate in-person, but the guesthouse and chapel continue to be closed to visitors due to the pandemic.

In addition to an inspiring service with three short homilies from the Brothers, the Superior, Br. James Koester concluded with a video of the annual report for the Monastery.

Br. Koester shared that out of the losses of the pandemic, the Brothers have been inspired to do “old things” in “new ways”. Previously, there were no live-streamed services from the chapel and only a few Brothers conducted spiritual direction with individuals over Skype or Facetime as an exception. In the past, the majority of interactions were in-person events including retreats and workshops.

But as for all of us, the times have changed for the Brothers at the Monastery. Video cameras have been installed in the Chapel so that services can be shared by hundreds through Zoom. The Fellowship members have been invited to join in monthly gatherings via Zoom where two Brothers provide teaching and answer questions from the chat. Br. Jim Woodrum also hosted a series during Lent of interviews on different perspectives on Prayer.

Previously, the Brothers held weekend group retreats for 12 people (the maximum number of guestrooms) and Saturday morning workshops for up to 50 people who primarily were from the Boston area.

This year was different. Br. David Vryhof conducted an 8-week class in Lent on the Gospel of John via Zoom. A video was introduced each Tuesday with a set of meditations and questions for each day of the following week. Over 1200 guests registered for the series, with over 200 participating on-line in real time when the video was released each Tuesday. It was then posted on-line where the remaining 1000 guests from time zones throughout the world could watch asynchronously. Dialogue throughout the week was hosted by teach:able so that participants could interact with each other about the video, meditations, and questions.

So, in doing “old things” (teaching a workshop) in a “new way” (on-line via zoom), the Brothers’ teaching reached 1200 guests instead of the previous 12 (limited by guesthouse capacity).

Brother Koester was asked, “What about when the pandemic is over. Will you go back to only in-person offerings?”

“Not at all. Doing old things in new ways has taught us that we can do both. We look forward to the day when we can reopen the guesthouse and chapel, but we also now appreciate the value of being able to communicate and “see” guests from all over the world. This “new way” has kept us connected with old and new friends in ways that we could have never imagined.”

I’m looking at other things in my life that I can start doing in “new ways”.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

(P.S. You can join in the live-stream of services from the Chapel at the Monastery here: https://www.ssje.org/worship-schedule/)

The Garden Tomb, Jerusalem, 2011

It was more than a week ago that we re-enacted the Passion of Christ on Good Friday. As we bask in the glory of Christ’s resurrection on Easter Sunday we often forget the instruction of the thieves that were crucified with Jesus.

Each of the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Luke and Mark) recounts the thieves joining with the chief priests, teachers and elders in hurling insults at Jesus on the cross, demanding that he demonstrate that he is truly the Messiah by saving himself and the two rebels.

In Matthew 27:38-44, we learn that the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him with challenges: “Let him come down from the cross, and we will believe in him.”

In Luke 23:39 we read of similar taunts from the thief who is facing certain death and who is only concerned about his own fate: “One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

In the past year, most of us have experienced a close brush with death through our work in healthcare, or with family, friends and acquaintances who either died from Covid, or were snatched from the jaws of death and continue to suffer with long-term effects. I would suspect that many prayers were lifted up to save those we love.

It is the second crucified thief that brings our pleas into focus (Luke 23:40-43):

“Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

“Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Here we see the sinner recognizing Jesus and asking to be with Him in death. And Jesus, in His compassion for sinners, grants his request.

But what about the chief priests, teachers, and elders?

The Gospels are silent.

Did they recognize Jesus as the Messiah, or did they trudge from Golgotha with even more hardened hearts, convinced that their laws had justified their actions?

On this second week of Easter as we celebrate the risen Christ, I am wondering who I am. Am I the sinner who is closer to death than birth who recognizes Christ as the Messiah without scientific proof, or am I like the chief priests who hide behind their piety, justifying all cruel actions in the name of their laws and their “god”?

I hope that today I am the sinner that publicly calls out to recognize the Messiah.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Akko, Israel, Nov 2011

One of my daily meditations this week was Romans 11:29- “for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.”

Most commentaries remark that this short verse contains God’s promises to us that through His covenants He will never forsake us. His gifts to us are those of pardon, peace, joy, sanctification, and eternal life. The same commentators remark that the “calling of God” denotes how God extends an invitation to come and partake of his favors whether by personal revelation to the patriarchs, by the promises of the Gospel or by the influences of His Spirit. The “callings” imply a pledge that once he bestows this favor, he will not repent, or turn from it.

It is comforting during this Holy Week where we replay the Passion, death and resurrection of Christ to know that God’s promises to us are forever and that we are His beloved children, forever.

But, when I first read this short verse, I had not explored more context and instead I read it as more than just God’s promise to me.

I read it as my promise back to God; that I have a responsibility to use the specific spiritual gifts that God has given me and that He has called me to use them to His glory, not to put them on a shelf, or further, not to return them to God unused.

Whether I choose to use my spiritual gifts is still a choice for me to make, but I don’t have an option to renounce them and return them to God unused. They will remain in me whether I use them or not.

I pray that as we celebrate Christ’s resurrection on this Easter morning, we have another chance to recognize the spiritual gifts that God has bestowed upon us and that we live up to our calling, all for the glory of God.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Sunrise, Sea of Galilee, November 2011

I’ve been a morning person most of life with a hospital career that often started at 6AM or earlier. I took up photography later in life and learned that the “magic hours” for outdoor photographs are either first thing in the morning (right before sunrise until 30-40 minutes after the sun has risen), or right before the setting sun. During this time, the sun is low on the horizon and filtered through atmospheric particles that scatter blue light and allow warm light (such as reds, oranges, and yellows) to pass through. When this warm light strikes clouds, landforms, and other objects, the results are colorful and photogenic. When the sun is near an unobstructed horizon, it gives off an intense light that bathes objects and scenes in red and gold.

We’ve been in a dark period for quite a while as a nation and as a global partner. My spirits were lifted when I got an appointment for my first COVID-19 shot, and friends express the happiness that vaccination has brought into their lives. Who would have imagined that the world would be so focused on one effort, together?

In Isaiah 58:8 we read:

“Then your light will burst forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.”

Reflecting on my life, there were times of physical and emotional challenges, where I felt darkness. But in each case, the light did burst in with a colorful sunrise of a new day, bathing my face in a warm glow as I felt God’s healing and protection.

Perhaps as the sun creeps across the continents it will have the same effect: to show us all the glory of the Lord. Our healing will be complete as we face this adversity where there are no strangers, but only friends.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Growing up Roman Catholic in a small town in Upstate NY, confession with a priest was a weekly ritual. In the 1960’s, you couldn’t go to communion unless you had confessed and said your “penance” of Our Fathers and Hail Marys. Times have changed and now that I am an Episcopalian, it appears that in most congregations a public confession is more of an annual and optional custom during Lent, even among my Roman Catholic friends.

Of course, we are always encouraged to make private confessions directly to God where we admit our humanness and acknowledge how our sins have caused us to stray from Him.

It is difficult that our culture demands perfection and the shame and guilt from falling short continues to circulate in our heads even after many years. We’d like to forget, but we can’t, and the burden of shame continues to multiply in our mind.

But God’s intent is not to have us perpetually trapped in these feelings of inadequacy. We read in 1 John 10:

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.”

It seems that confession leads straight to forgiveness and purification from evil.

Maybe that was the value in a public confession to the priest. It was a personal examination of our life and our love for God. Once spoken and acknowledged by another, the burden was lifted from us to be forgiven forever.

We don’t have to dwell on the past sins, instead we can use them for instruction both for ourselves and for others. In Philippians, Paul recognizes his past and details his impressive Jewish heritage, but he boasts only to show his hearers how little it means. He doesn’t agonize over his past of persecuting Christians as Saul, instead, he looks to the future and his hope in Christ.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..- Philippians 3:12-14

The past is the past, we don’t have to re-live our sins over and over again. After confession to God we start life anew in a closer, more intimate relationship with Him as we look forward to an eternity with our Lord.

And that is Good News for this Lenten season! May your confession to God release you from the bondage of past imperfections and bring a renewed life for you in Christ.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

My Facebook News Feed is filled with anxious friends trying to get an appointment for the COVID-19 vaccine. I was lucky to start the Moderna vaccine last Friday when I located a small independent pharmacy with an available appointment for group 1a2. Since each county is moving through the Tennessee algorithm at a different rate, and the rate of vaccine refusals varies, there is a mad dash to register in multiple surrounding counties as well as your own. It is a ‘survival’ instinct that we have: to do what it takes to stay alive.

But there is another ubiquitous phase I’m also observing. Now that we have successful vaccines and a plan, I see many friends who are changing jobs, moving to be closer to family, and re-examining their “purpose” in the world. It is as if the world has been put on “pause” and people have more time to think about what is really important to them, and more importantly, to think about who they really are.

I know I’ve become more of an activist for newly found social justice causes like food insecurity and reforming immigration laws, and I’m actually better at connecting with long-time friends even if it is by zoom. I’ve spent more time learning about another of my passions: art. I look forward to the day when all our museums are open for exhibitions and tours.

As we travel this journey together, I pray that we all are survivors and that we all find our unique “purpose” in life. It is what we were born for, and now is the time for us to live into our call.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The Woman from Samaria at the Well, James Tissot, 1886-1894, Image courtesy Brooklyn Museum of Art

In my career, I had lots of training in management and leadership and ‘how to be a good boss’. There were some variations, but the core element of all the training programs was that in order to be a good boss, you had to be a good listener. I hope that I got better at this over time, but I had to constantly remind myself that I didn’t know everything and I certainly didn’t know how another person was feeling (or struggling) unless I was willing to stop talking and just listen.

The internet has allowed us to “push” our opinion on others, often in a confrontational way making snap decisions about stereotypes and offering comments intended to incite anger. I am in awe that many of these posts are from Christian friends who would rather offer unsolicited opinions without even thinking of asking about my thoughts first.

One of my favorite stories from the Bible is of the woman at the well in John 4:4-42. Despite culture, gender, racial and moral differences, Jesus lovingly interacted with her both listening and talking. And what happened? She became one of his strongest advocates, (vs. 39) “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony…”

In biblical times, the Samaritans were hated by the Jews. That mindset pretty much sums up the relationship between Jews and Samaritans. The Jews considered the Samaritans as outsiders and “impure.” They couldn’t even agree on what books were included in the “Old Testament” with the Samaritans rejecting the prophets and poetry but believing in a different version of the Book of Joshua. But even with all the differences, Jesus is willing to talk with the Samaritan woman, alone, and treats her respectfully, not calling her names and trying to demean her, even though she is a sinner (like us!). Why is this interaction so unusual?

I read this on a blog, “When it comes to enemies, we don’t think twice; our response is emotional and reflexive. If it comes from them, we’re against it. Whatever it is they’re saying, it’s wrong. Whatever they want is bad. Whatever they’re doing must be stopped.”

Doesn’t that pretty much up today’s political climate and the temperature we exhibit on Facebook, Twitter and other social media platforms?

I read this on another blog, “We carry this attitude forward to our nation’s formal opponents as well as to rivals at work, political adversaries, neighbors who bug us, and family members who press our buttons. Nothing these people are up to can be good. It would help if they would just disappear.”

Back to my original question, “Was Jesus a Good Listener?”

I don’t see anything in my Bible where Jesus demeaned anyone, interrupted them before they could finish speaking, or called them a “communist” in the vernacular of the day when Christianity came into being. That wasn’t his style as a teacher. It was important for him to understand what his hearers were thinking so that he could “meet them where they were”. And he never “forced” anyone to believe His words; he “invited them” and was gracious in his welcoming arms. Jesus often asked people questions, a sign of someone truly listening. Jesus obviously knew their answers but listened due to the effect it had on the person not just for His own benefit.

I believe that first, Jesus was a good listener. I want to be more like Jesus, so I want to continue to remember to listen first; talk and write less.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

What is the unforgivable sin?

Proverbs 6 (ESV)

16There are six things that the Lord hates,
    seven that are an abomination to him:
17haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
    and hands that shed innocent blood,
18a heart that devises wicked plans,
    feet that make haste to run to evil,
19a false witness who breathes out lies,
    and one who sows discord among brothers.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The opening of the Holy Door at the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela on December 31 shows us what 2021 has for us.

Photo courtesy of Mission San José, San Antonio

For decades my holiday tradition has been to attend a Christmas Eve church service that ends after midnight. I would rush home with the glow of Christmas carols sung in community and then open Christmas presents, since it was actually Christmas morning! I’d sleep late and then take a hike (or at least a long walk) by myself contemplating the year and counting my blessings.

This year the tradition comes to an end. An Episcopal Church is coordinating a hike at 3:30pm on Christmas Eve in one of our wonderful parks here in Nashville, Percy Warner. Later in the evening (but not late), I’ll be watching a church service on-line, worshiping together, but apart. Since it won’t be close to midnight, I’m not sure if I’ll stay up anyway maybe celebrating with some eggnog, or if I’ll break with tradition and go to bed early, greeting Christmas upon awakening in the early morning.

My decades-long pattern for Christmas has come to an end. Should I long for a year past, maybe 2019 when everything seemed more “normal”?

I’ve decided that lost traditions can be replaced with new ones.

Hiking on Christmas Eve reminds me of Las Posadas in San Antonio where from December 16th to the 24th, groups of people would go from house to house each night where there was “no room at the inn”. As a modern celebration, each home has refreshments for the travelers which would conclude with a Christmas Eve church service and celebration with piñatas for the children.

As I hike this year on Christmas Eve with people I don’t know, I won’t be looking back in my memory to find a better year of my life. Instead, I’ll be transported back to 2000 years ago when Mary and Joseph had no place to call their own. Just like Mary and Joseph, we’ll be celebrating the birth of Jesus and the transformation of the world. Just like 2000 years ago, we are guaranteed of always having a “room at the inn”.

I pray that this year, with disrupted Christmas traditions, you may recognize the value in new patterns with friends, family and the world at large. Let’s celebrate and be renewed just as the people were in early Bethlehem as they followed the star.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Today is my birthday! As of 4:05 AM (EST), I am 66 years old (according to my baby book). I have never feared getting older knowing that longevity comes with wisdom.

This year saw many changes for our world as well as me personally. I retired from full-time employment in August and wanted to carefully discern how I would be spending the rest of my time on earth. As I heard Tom Hanks say in an interview this week, “there’s just certain things that a guy like me who’s 64 shouldn’t be doing any more”. “I agree, Tom!!!” It’s nice to have some guardrails unlike when I was 20 and the choices were unlimited.

But limits don’t mean less opportunities. I recently had my annual physical (postponed from earlier in the year due to COVID-19), and my physician was impressed with my laboratory tests and vital signs. Last year my blood pressure was trending up and my triglycerides/cholesterol were above normal limits. This year, my blood pressure is back to high normal and my other lab tests are all within normal range.

What has made the difference?

Well, it’s hard to say but maybe a combination of things:

I gained 10 pounds during early COVID-19 but have lost them due to better eating habits at home and walking my golden retriever
Retirement has served me well without the hustle and bustle of full-time work in healthcare. I feel like I have more time to devote to even mundane tasks without always feeling like I’m running up hill
The pandemic has caused me to “pause”. It’s been a deep “pause” where I no longer am obligated to rush around to every “invitation” for my time. I had forgotten that often, “No” is the right answer to requests for time, talent and treasure.
I’ve had time to search back and remember a host of events; timeperiods in my 66 years and be thankful for all of them. Just a few:
The welcoming environment of the students and teachers at Geneseo Central when I transferred on Thanksgiving Day of ninth grade. They made an “outsider” feel like “one of the pack” on my first day
The learning environment and friendships when I transferred to Oklahoma University for Pharmacy School
My aunt from Rochester, NY sending me “I love you” cards every other week (with money!) when I transferred to Oklahoma University
My golf coach and other players like Dawn Hollingsworth who were constant encouragers every time we were at practice or in a tournament
The hospital pharmacy community in Oklahoma where I got my career start and developed life-long friendships and a desire to help patients and physicians make the best use of their medications
The richness and friendships of people of San Antonio who welcomed me even though I didn’t know any Spanish but came to crave “breakfast tacos” from the Taco Hut next to the hospital
The warm welcome I experienced in moving to Nashville both at my workplace and in finding a new church where my faith was nourished including six trips to South Africa for ministry work

The list is way too long for this post, but know that if you’ve crossed my life, I am grateful for you and the memories we’ve shared.

You may challenge me that surely not all memories are positive. I’ve experienced the incompetent bosses, or the cold shoulder from colleagues, and bad personal relationships, but I took away from those even greater lessons of how “not to behave”. Sometimes we learn the most from our negative experiences. I am grateful to those people even though it is the antithesis of what you would expect.

Which brings me to the end of another great year! I have great memories and hope to make many more. What my thoughts have shown me is that I should strive to inspire others as the examples that have been set for me.

As we hear in 2 Thessalonians 3:13: “And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.”

Blessings, my friend, on my birthday,
Agatha

Puente de San Xoan de Furelos: Palas de Rei to Arzua on the Camino de Santiago, Spain

Due to the pandemic and my retirement in August, I’ve had more time on my hands than ever before. One thing I’ve engaged in is to take virtual Spanish lessons through the University of Tennessee. I started the third and last course in the series this week and it appears to be engaging but challenging.

To increase my vocabulary, I’ve been reading my morning meditations first in Spanish and then in English (Forward Movement- Day by Day). I’m fascinated when I find that Spanish often has 2 or 3 words for one English word, and then also vice versa, one word in English has two different meanings in Spanish.

In my readings this week, I encountered the word “la oración” which I knew to mean “prayer” from my morning meditations. But the context didn’t fit. I learned that “la oración” means both “prayer” and “sentence”. Translating the word to “sentence” here made sense: “¿Esta es una oración simple o una oración compleja?” (Is this a simple or complex sentence?)

What if we treated all words, verbal and written, as prayers. When I speak to someone it should be to nourish them and bless them, not to try to knock them down. And when I write on social media or on my blog, it would be good before I type to remember how my words can encourage and inspire another, or how they can cause damage and promote anxiety.

Mi oraciõn es que mis palabras sean una benediciõn para ti.
(My prayer is that my words are a blessing for you).

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

As this election season comes to a close, I am thankful for the extra time I will have when the winners is declared. Between, emails, texts, television ads and social media, it has been impossible to escape the barrage of truths, half-truths, and no-truths to which we have been subjected. Hopefully we can get back to a civil running of the country and focus on more important things, like ME.

Yes, like ME. What I have learned over many election cycles is that running for office is a dirty game where the “best man or woman” doesn’t always win. It’s a game I’ve never wanted to play and a sandbox where I never wanted to dig. However, as a citizen, my role has always been to speak up for injustice and oppression and to try to influence policy for the greater good.

But I’ve also come to realize that everyone in my “community” doesn’t agree on the best way to tackle the problems that plague us: obesity, neonatal birthweights, opioid deaths, sex trafficking, and sky-rocketing suicides (among others). And, oh yea, there is our modern-day plague: the pandemic.

Starting Wednesday, it will be about “me” and an introspective time of asking myself how I can make a difference in my own world. It’s not about putting out false information on Facebook, or twisting facts for a “greater end game”, it really is about me caring about my own community: the people that I live with, work with, and worship with, in my own world.

I’ve realized that I care about immigration and not just “band-aids” but fixing it permanently. I also care about food insecurity. I thought it was a third-world problem but it isn’t. It is a concern in our own backyard. And I care about healthcare. When I graduated from school in the late ‘70’s, I thought I could “fix” healthcare. I’m thankful I’m on Medicare, but my recent experiences teach me that healthcare is still “broken”: fragmented, expensive and inefficient.

So—it won’t be about “us” versus “them”, it will be about “me”. What is my role to make the world look more like God’s kingdom than mine? And how can I start living into that responsibility, starting Wednesday?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Novenas are ancient public or private prayers that are repeated for nine days or weeks. In this election season, Presiding Bishop Michael Curry of the Episcopal Church has called on everyone to gather and together pray for our nation and the election. The Rev. Jay Sidebotham speaks on the initiative: “In this election season, we carry out an important ministry with our prayers, making the commitment through personal spiritual practice to be present to our nation in this critical time, asking for God’s grace for decisions made, thanking God for the grace that we can participate in this way in our common life, and trusting that grace will help us through. First, we pray. Then we vote.”

Please join us at 9PM-9:15PM each evening (Central time) for a Zoom call for us to pray together in English and in Spanish from October 27 through November 4. It is the same Zoom link for all sessions and is here:

Join Zoom Meetinghttps://us02web.zoom.us/j/82804283313?pwd=cnFWNitCbm1RUGJLN0drcldNTGo0QT09Each evening we will watch a 1:55 minute video with Bishop Curry and then we will have one person read the daily prayer in English and one in Spanish.

We’ll be posting the daily prayers on my Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIN pages, and please share the Zoom link with all your friends!

If you’d like to watch the video with Bishop Curry in advance, it is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_a9835WYp4&feature=youtu.be

It is not necessary to RSVP for the session each evening, just dial in!!!

Let us all come together to celebrate our freedom to vote! Blessings, my friend
Agatha

“The Calling of the Apostles Peter and Andrew”, 1308-1311, Duccio di Buoninsegna, image courtesy of the National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC

For the past 6 months, I’ve seen a lot written around a basic question, “What is Church?”

When I was growing up, church was a building I went to out of obligation. Strong Roman Catholic roots and post-college Southern Baptist preaching taught me about the sin of neglecting my church attendance. I’d been convinced there was a special place in heaven relegated to non-attenders where we sat in the front pews and listened to bad preaching and off-key music on an endless loop throughout infinity.

That concept of ‘church as obligation’ changed when I found my current church in the Episcopal denomination. I attend the same number of Sundays as before, but I have found a community where I feel safe in my vulnerabilities and am encouraged to live into the person that God made in me. I am eager to be with my friends on Sunday and throughout the week in small groups who offer me a respite from the rest of the world and its tendency to judgment and condemnation. Through the preaching and teaching, I am nourished to understand more about Jesus and how He is calling me to lead my life.

So, what is ‘church’? If the definition stops there (a place to go where you have friends that nurture and nourish you), then technology can provide an alternative when we can’t be together. A question remains as to whether a community can thrive when we don’t have person-to-person contact. Only time will tell us what role technology will play.

But what if ‘church’ were more than just a gathering place to see our friends and learn more about our faith?

What if the ‘church building’ is a resting place (location or virtually) where we have Christian friends who support us, but the real ‘church’ is when we are out serving others.

In the early church, Jesus didn’t call his followers to come to church on Sundays. He called his followers to serve others with the spiritual gifts they had been given.

Serving others doesn’t require a building or a location; it requires a community where we receive support, but also helps to identify ways where we can serve, either two-by-two, or in a larger community. We still need our “support group” to encourage us when we are met with division or derision in the world, or when the secular world challenges our values and beliefs.

But ‘church’ is when we are out serving others in Jesus’ name.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

NYT Magazine, September 20, 2020

“Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” (James 2:15-17 (NIV))

In retirement, I’ve asked God for clear direction on where I need to be spending my time. I don’t want to just grasp at activities to fill up time or share my friends’ ministries because it is fun to do things with people I like. I want to serve God in the way He wants.

I’ve not thought much about hunger, mostly because I’ve never been hungry. Although not wealthy, my family always had a place to live and food on the table. I’d heard of people in poor countries who didn’t have enough food, but that seemed like a long way away, and such a big problem that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it.

All that changed a few weeks ago when I read the NYT article (September 6, 2020): America at Hunger’s Edge. With prose and photos, I learned that food insecurity is a “close-to-home” issue. Dorothea Lange documented the homeless and hungry in her 1936 “Migrant Mother” photo that we had at the Frist Art Museum in 2019.

As I was startled by the photos, I started meditating on the meaning, to me. I realized that in my six trips to do mission work in South Africa, I had always volunteered to cook in the kitchen to help feed the children after school. And I’ve enjoyed entertaining with friends where food, wine and good conversation are the focus.

I was compelled to write a letter to the NYT that was published in yesterday’s NYT Magazine. The story had moved me to action and I followed through.

I contacted the Bellevue Community Food Bank to ask what I could do to help. They serve five zip codes in Middle Tennessee including my own (37221-Bellevue, 37209-West Nashville, 37143- Pegram, 37062-Fairview and 37205-Belle Meade). Last year they had 25-30 families a week that came for assistance; this year since the pandemic it is 60.

I start Tuesday. It’s a small role, but furthering the kingdom takes many hands.

Blessings to all who have found their purpose, and to those who are still searching.

With my love,
Agatha

St. Francis of Assisi, Wood, Interior Mexico, 1998

Yesterday’s Forward Movement meditation asked a pertinent question in my life: Is God inviting you to serve in a new way, one different from where you want to serve? How will you respond?

I’ve been in a year-long discernment process as I prepared for my retirement from full-time employment. “When should it occur?” More importantly, “Why should it occur?”

The “when” part of the question became clear with the pandemic and I retired from full-time healthcare employment on August 10, 2020. What wasn’t as clear: “What has God called me to do with this scheduling change?”

I am by nature a “planner” with my instinct to anticipate future opportunities and sort through them in a logical, non-emotional analysis. But this time is unique: the pandemic has introduced the knowledge of the uncertainty of life. The only certainty that I can claim is that I must put all my trust in God.

In the past few weeks, I keep being exposed to the issue of food insecurity.

· The New York Times Magazine from last week provided a photo journey, including a reference to ‘Migrant Mother’ by Dorothea Lange from 1936. I was familiar with the photo as we had a Dorothea Lange exhibition at the Frist Art Museum here in Nashville in 2019.

· I stumbled upon a Facebook page for the Bellevue Food Bank. They help families in five zip codes, one of which is the area where my church is located.

· At a recent leaders’ meeting for my church’s neighborhood group, I suggested that we investigate the work of the Bellevue Food Bank as a potential ministry opportunity. The Food Bank is seeing double the number of families coming each week to pick up food since the pandemic began.

· As we start a church-wide study of the Gospel of Mark, I was connected with a person at church who I had not met. A quick conversation yesterday revealed that she has volunteered for many years at a food bank before moving to Nashville.

How many signs does God need to send to me before I see?

The Scripture verse from yesterday fits well: Romans 14:4 Who are you to pass judgement on servants of another? It is before their own lord that they stand or fall. And they will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make them stand.

For you, and for me: Is God inviting you to serve in a new way, one different from where you want to serve? How will you respond?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

It’s time to drop the labels. Rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, Socialist or even Christian. The labels don’t mean anything any longer. Not only is “rich” and “poor” not well defined, it is a stereotype to apply to someone that I don’t know. Just because I live in a certain part of town or zip code doesn’t automatically mean I’m “rich” or that I vote Republican; unless you know me and my history, you can’t label me.

Growing up my mother said that we were “Catholics” as if that defined everything about us. It was only years later that I learned she had multiple abortions that seemed contradictory to the “Catholic” teaching. In my early post-college years, I was a “Southern Baptist” which some thought meant that I was against dancing and drinking. (Nothing could have been further from the truth, but it was part of the “label”)!

I began to identify as a “Christian” which I thought meant a “Christ-follower”. And as I was introduced to “spreading the good news”, I thought “evangelical christian” was a good description. I may have been wrong all along, but the actions that I see from people who now proclaim to be “evangelical Christian” these days do not belong to me.

What I would like to be known by is not another “label”, but instead by my actions. A recent publication from the Brothers of The Society of Saint John the Evangelist included a summary of the movement: Reclaiming Jesus. During Lent 2020, they advocated for prayer, fasting and repentance leading to action. This was a hard time during COVID-19 (particularly the fasting part) but I did my best.

This 4:25 minute video by church leaders outlines the summary of the Reclaiming Jesus movement, challenging the hijacking of all religions for political purposes.

Similar to my baptismal covenant, it has asked me to “believe” in the good, but also to be vocal about “rejecting” the evil.

I’m carrying this statement throughout this political season and beyond to demonstrate that I can’t be defined by a label, but instead you will know me by my actions.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Since I started in the working world in 1977, I’ve always had employer-sponsored health insurance. Because my employer has been the negotiator, I’ve had little direct interaction with the insurance companies with the exception of two denials: a denial for long-term disability insurance since I had breast cancer in 2006, and a denial for an open-sided MRI from an HMO plan due to my claustrophobia in traditional MRIs. I had an HMO plan for only the one year when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and switched back to a PPO Plan the following January.

I’ve not really had to deal with the Government either as I’ve had continuous full-time employment since the start of my pharmacy career. My mother was disappointed when I quit my job working for the State of Oklahoma in 1984 to work at a private hospital, as she always said it was better to work for less money and get government benefits. As a civil service employee in New York, she always said that the “government will take care of you.”

A few months ago, my insurance status was about to change as I started thinking about a specific date for retirement. I’m a huge advocate for Original Medicare and expected to have monthly Social Security payments. But there were still a lot of decisions about a Medigap policy and Medicare Part D coverage.

Which brings me to my scorecard to-date: GOVERNMENT: 4, PRIVATE HEALTH INSURANCE: 1.5.

First I applied for Medicare Part A on-line in March and everything went smoothly. All questions were answered and my Medicare card appeared in the mail a few weeks later. GOVERNMENT: 1.

Next I applied for Social Security to start when I turn 66 in December (my retirement year). I filled out all the questions again on-line, but there was a notation that they might call for more information. And I did get a call!!! A real live person from Chicago wanted to verify my information (and tell me that I had applied too soon and would need to wait until August). There was a form to fill out to withdraw my request (so it wouldn’t start back in March) which she promptly sent me to fill out and return via email. But a few hours later, I got another call back. She was reviewing my application and noticed that I had been married before and my spouse had died. She said it was complicated but that I might be eligible for survivor benefits for the rest of 2020 until I turned 66 in December. Did I want to apply for those now? “Well, yes, I didn’t know I was even eligible!”. GOVERNMENT 2.

When I finally settled on a retirement date, I needed to apply for Medicare Part B to start September 1 when my employer based insurance expires. Again, filled out the application on-line, received a form for my employer to complete verifying credible coverage, and my new Medicare card with Part A coverage and Part B starting in September showed up a few weeks later. GOVERNMENT: 3.

Next I received a letter that Social Security had incorrectly calculated my survivor spouse benefits but had caught it when auditing. So I would receive a deposit to equal the difference that was owed to me. GOVERNMENT: 4.

At this point I have Medicare Part A, Medicare Part B and Social Security all handled by the government with on-line access and a helpful Social Security employee in the Chicago office that realized I was eligible for benefits that I didn’t even know about.

However, I was still missing my Medigap policy and Medicare Part D. Medigap policies are private insurance that “fills in the gap” for what Medicare doesn’t pay. The plans are uniform for comparison and there are 36 eligible plans in Tennessee. Medicare Part D coverage pays for prescription drugs and there are 18 eligible plans. Although Medicare Part D is a government plan, it is administered through Pharmacy Benefit Managers from private insurers. So the standards are set by the government, but the plans are administered privately.

It took some time to figure out which plans were right for me, but that was only the start of the battle.

I applied for my chosen Medigap policy on-line but every time I tried to file the application, I got an error message that the system was down and to try again later. For four days, I confirmed the same information and “tried again”, all without success. I called customer service 3 times to verify the website was up and running, but they couldn’t “guarantee me” it would work as “customer service had no control over the IT group”. After a week of trying, I finally called customer service and asked to complete the application over the phone. However, they couldn’t take my bank account information over the phone (even though it was in my on-line application), so they said that when the website was back up, I could print the form with a voided check and mail it back to them. This is what I did on August 4, but on August 14th I got a payment book in the mail and the insurer still has not received my EFT authorization. So I used a credit card, over the phone to make my first payment. PRIVATE INSURANCE: 0

For my Medicare Part D policy, the on-line transmission was fine and I was approved in a couple of days. The problem however, is that they started the coverage on August 1 instead of September 1 as listed on the application. I discovered it immediately and have sent 3 emails to customer service asking for it to be corrected. They have politely indicated that they have checked with the “sales” team, and it can’t be corrected since it is already in force. So I have double coverage for prescription drugs throughout August. PRIVATE INSURANCE: 0

And we are not done yet with my Medicare Part D policy. The private insurer also keyed in dates incorrectly so I was notified by Medicare that I may be subject to a LATE ENROLLMENT PENALTY for the rest of my life since I didn’t enroll when I was first eligible in December 2019. But I didn’t need to as I had employer coverage through 8/31/2020. But the dates were keyed incorrectly by the private insurer, so there is more paperwork to be filled out to try to get it corrected. Just to be safe, I called customer service to report the error and filled out the forms and mailed them on 8/14. But the letter says if they are not received by September 3, I am liable for the PENALTY. PRIVATE INSURANCE: 0

I’m pleased to report that my Dental Insurance from a private insurer was approved without a hitch. PRIVATE INSURANCE: 1

Coming to the end of my insurance applications, my Vision Insurance appears to be in limbo. Although I was approved on 8/5, as of yesterday my application status still says PAYMENT PENDING. Since I gave them a credit card on 8/5, I’m not sure what they are waiting for. I’m just hopeful they figure it out before 9/1 when my current insurance expires. PRIVATE INSURANCE: 1.5

I can’t imagine that every person who turns 65 and wants to retire has to go through this massive maze. Both my parents retired at 62 and were always pleased with their Social Security checks and had employer pension-based health insurance. That was almost 30 years ago and it seems like we’ve made it more complicated and unworkable with these quasi-hybrid Government-Private Insurer webs.

And based upon my experience in the last few months it is GOVERNMENT: 4, PRIVATE HEALTH INSURER: 1.5.

Game over.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

Today starts a new chapter as I retired from my full-time job with HCA Healthcare yesterday. I’ve served in San Antonio and Nashville, and it has been the bulk of my pharmacy career; 23 years of the 43 I’ve been in practice.

It has been a time the past few months during the pandemic of looking back over my adult years and since I’ve worked full-time continuously since my graduation, many of my memories center around the people and places associated with my employment.

There are memories of my first job as a Night Pharmacist in Oklahoma City and then advancing to a new position of ICU Pharmacist. At a different hospital I have great memories of the people and the excitement of working in the first OR Pharmacy and being present for the first heart transplant in Oklahoma. I remember the kindness of people helping me to learn and making me feel appreciated for my small contributions to healthcare.

In San Antonio, Texas I worked with great people at Baptist Medical Center and then on to the start of my career with Methodist Healthcare, then transferring in 2003 to Nashville to work at Centennial Medical Center and then the Corporate Office in Regulatory Compliance Support.

I’ve had fun the past few months contacting a few old friends that I’d lost touch with but who definitely shaped me as a person as well as helped me with my career.

But what now? I’ve always had outside interests that have included golf, volunteer work (both healthcare-related and giving docent tours at the Frist Art Museum in Nashville), and work at various churches I’ve attended. Two summers ago I had the opportunity to teach ESL at Conexión Americás which I found to be very rewarding.

To answer the question, “But what now?”: I don’t know. I need some time to rest in God’s presence and listen for His nudging. I’m enrolled in a Latino Ministry Competency Course this week hosted by the Episcopal Church and am also taking on-line classes through the University of Tennessee in Spanish (a long-time desire to speak Spanish since I lived in San Antonio).

I know my retirement will be the most fulfilling if I am serving others. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me next.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Brothers of SSJE at Br. Luke’s Ordination to the Diaconate, June 2020

I had the pleasure of seeing (yes, seeing via Zoom), two of the Brothers of The Society of Saint John the Evangelist this week as they facilitated a session for members of the Fellowship of Saint John. I have been unable to make my customary bi-annual visits to the Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA, so this was a delight to see Brother Luke and Brother Curtis via Zoom.

I enjoyed both of the short meditations that they offered to us; Brother Luke on abiding in Jesus and Brother Curtis on dealing with the changes brought on by the pandemic.

Brother Curtis shared that many times a day, he finds himself disgruntled at an activity or situation and has to remind himself outloud of three things:

1) This is your life…

2) These are the terms…

3) What is the Invitation?

What practical wisdom and of course he is right! At this moment in time, it is my life with all my history of ups and downs. More importantly, it is my life NOW, and the present situation is the TERMS under which I’m living my life.

But rather than just accepting these unusual times and hunkering down, Brother Curtis challenges himself and us to think instead--what is the invitation that God is presenting to us right now?

It is a heady question as it is easier to long for things to return to “normal” because it is familiar and comfortable, but is it what God wants for us, starting today?

For me, I’m looking forward to my retirement from my full-time job in mid-August. In addition, to sheltering at home, I should have plenty of extra time to discern God’s will about my next step. But I have to be willing to accept that my tomorrow will not look like my yesterday.

Where should I spend His energy and where can I best serve to act as Jesus’ commands us: to love myself and my neighbor?

That is really the essence of living: no more and no less.

In the Rule of the Society of Saint John the Evangelist, chapter 23 is on meditative prayer. It begins, “In our meditative prayer each of us seeks intimate communion with God…meditation opens our minds and hearts, and our response to God’s gift and disclosure is kindled by the Spirit within us.”

I’m excited about the “invitation” that God is bursting to tell me about. How can I serve Him better in these unusual times?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Dr. Chester A. Robinson

Jackson State University

I’m spending a lot of time at home like the rest of us. I’ve found that my garden has never looked better and I’ve started weeding out some things I’ve had in the attic for awhile. Photos bring back memories of fun days with family and friends.

I found a letter. It was tucked in the wrong place in a bookcase on a shelf I haven’t visited in a long time. It was from a professor in my Ph.D. program at Tennessee State University. He was our healthcare professor and had a long distinguished career at the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) before joining the faculty. He had a quiet demeanor that fit well: he was an unquestioned expert in his field and didn’t need to make a lot of noise to be heard.

But the letter. He was on my graduate committee but had relocated to North Carolina right before I was scheduled for the last step of my studies: my dissertation defense. He read my research from North Carolina (no Zoom meetings back in 2011!) and had sent his comments to my major professor. My defense was successful and I officially graduated in August 2011.

The letter is dated September 1, 2011. He was kind to acknowledge my accomplishment of finishing my degree and mentioned that he enjoyed our many conversations, as he felt that we “shared similar views of the health arena and were constantly on the ‘same page’.

He concluded with some wisdom (as professors often do) of basic lessons that he had learned and that he wanted to pass along to me:

(1) You will always face change and new challenges,

(2) You should have a clear concept of your goals and what is important to you, and

(3) Make life a continual learning process for exploring new avenues to reach your goals.

I certainly hope our paths do cross again, Chet, so that I can tell you how much your words have resonated with me in these troubling times.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

It is a confusing world now. With countries shut down and citizens relegated to our houses, our “normal” world has been turned upside down. In hearing the news, it appears our democracy is in danger when every person, regardless of race is regarded with dignity and honor.

Our scientists caution us about the virus, “It isn’t over yet.”

I’ve always been an optimist thinking that every tough situation will get better, or that some problems will just disappear. But, reflecting back on my life so far, that hasn’t always been the case. I had two marriages that didn’t get better no matter how hard we tried, and both ended in divorce. I’ve had jobs that became oppressive and I changed jobs. When each of my parents were sick, I knew that they weren’t going to get better, but we made the most of the time we had left.

It seems like my “reality” of optimism isn’t all “real” after all.

When I was a young adult, I thought that believing in God was going to make life easier: that my “prosperity” would be directly tied with my “piety” and I’d be protected from sorrow and pain.

I now know that isn’t the way it works. Jesus never promised us that things would be easy if we followed Him, but He did promise He would always be with us. Jesus is someone who experiences it all with us: the joys and the sadness that life inevitably brings.

My understanding has now changed as I truly believe that God loves me, just the way I am. It makes all the difference in this confusing world. I don’t need to earn His love, and I won’t be banished to Hell for every transgression. It was a long journey of spirituality for me, but I got to that realization just over 10 years ago with the help of good friends, great preaching, and trips to South Africa.

Now I am called to spread the Good News. If there is one thing that I would like everyone I meet to know without any doubt: YOU ARE LOVED.

But how do we know? Reinforcements for me come with reading Scripture, hearing the Word preached and taught, and good friends who remind me of God’s goodness.

I’ve found particular comfort in the Gospel and Letters of John and I’ve composed a book formatted to be prayed with Anglican Prayer Beads.

Would you like to join me? I welcome your feedback on using prayer beads to enhance your prayer life, and whether praying the Gospel of John reinforces that YOU ARE LOVED.

Join me this Tuesday evening, June 16 at 8PM (CDT) for a 30 minute Zoom call. We’ll talk about the history of Anglican Prayer Beads and use Chapter 1 of John’s Gospel to illustrate. I’ve attached the PREFACE and a diagram of ANGLICAN PRAYER BEADS that we will use during our Zoom call.

Zoom invitation below. Please invite others to join!!

Agatha Nolen is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Agatha Nolen's- You Are Loved- Praying with Anglican Prayer Beads and John

Time: Jun 16, 2020 08:00 PM Central Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us04web.zoom.us/j/71592584786?pwd=NG9hU2xhVTNBTytPSFMxSENnK1JkZz09

Meeting ID: 715 9258 4786

Password: YouAreLove

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Alice Oakleaf Hydrangea

As we head toward the summer solstice on June 20th, my flowers are enjoying the warmer and rainy weather. Each year they remake themselves after the cold dormant days of winter, opening up to the enticing rays of the sun.

For many of us, life had not become a time of rhythms like we find in nature, but instead it was a constant, weary battle. We’d spend our days struggling to get “caught up”, crossing 80% off our daily “to-do list”, but never 100%. We didn’t have a quiet rest as our dreams of things left undone would awaken us in the middle of the night, nagging at our unconscious, as if thinking about it more would make it go away. I’ve always dwelled in Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Each day seems to bring about new worries; or magnifies old ones that never seemed to get fully reconciled.

This spring has been different for us all. I am one of the lucky ones who can work from home and I don’t need to go out much. I’m even enjoying my new-found convenience of having groceries delivered! What has been the biggest change is the time that I have repurposed. I no longer have a 1-1/2 hour daily commute. I can enjoy my morning coffee with my golden retriever puppy and then start to work by heading upstairs.

I’m more aware how nature handles its seasons as well as its adversities. We had a significant tornado hit Nashville with significant property damage just weeks before COVID-19. Many homes are being rebuilt slowly as delays in supplies continue with the disruption of normal delivery patterns. But rebuild they will; it will take time.

Time. Time. Time. I’m spending mine differently now. I can see my rose bushes and hydrangeas as they grow each day, appreciating each blossom and every raindrop. I can watch my neighbors riding bikes with their children as I walk my puppy, Santiago, who also grows every day.

There is a different cadence to life when you stop to look at what is going on around you; God’s handiwork is still carrying on.

In this season, I hope that amidst all the anxiety and worries, you have also found new joys.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

A friend just introduced me to a short service in the Book of Common Prayer, An Order of Worship for the Evening which contains the hymn: “O Gracious Light “ or Phos hilaron. The hymn was the appointed hymn at Evening Prayer last night at The Society of Saint John the Evangelist, an Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA.

It was first recorded in the late 3rd or early 4th century and is the oldest hymn still in common use today. It is often sung at the lighting of the lamps in the evening and is also known also as the “lamp-lighting” hymn. In the early centuries in Jerusalem, a lamp was kept perpetually burning in the empty tomb of Christ, its glow a symbol of the living light of Jesus.

A recent power outage in Nashville reminded me of the importance of light, and how we are all called to be a light to the world!

Here’s the spoken hymn. I particularly like the thought of “happy voices” in today’s turbulent world.

O gracious Light,
pure brightness of the everliving Father in heaven,
O Jesus Christ, holy and blessed!

Now as we come to the setting of the sun,
and our eyes behold the vesper light,
we sing your praises, O God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

You are worthy at all times to be praised by happy voices,
O Son of God, O Giver of life,
and to be glorified through all the worlds.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I was always too busy
playing, golfing, or schoolwork

Dashing off to the next event

Lots of time in the car
singing along to the latest song

Now, each morning
the sun rises first

And delights with a hot orange or dusty pink

The birds awakening
beginning their chatter

The first rays of sunshine appear

I take my hanging baskets of begonias
and set them out to catch those first rays

Next it’s my china doll plant and pomegranate bonsai
onto the back porch

There they sit in the warmth of another day

I never noticed the sunshine before

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

As a scientist and a member of the healing arts, I’ve been distressed about the “fake news” for a number of years, but even more distressed recently since lives are at stake.

As of this morning there have been 172,120 deaths worldwide that were contributed to by the COVID-19 virus and 40,316 in the United States. It is presumed that there was community spread in the U.S., so 40,316 people reached out to someone else, infecting them with COVID-19 and causing their death. Even worse, we may never know if we were one of those people who infected someone else.

There is a balance between big federal government and state sovereignty as well as a balance between the need for cautious public health actions like social distancing and the desire to keep people employed. It is a balancing act, and even with clear cut information that is non-political, these are hard decisions that every elected official, business owner, and individual needs to make.

I understand that there is a lot we don’t know, but the “fake news” has taken on a sinister note with unproven (and dangerous) drug combinations being promoted as miracle cures, or vans setting up “rapid testing” in parking lots with unknown test kits.

My reading yesterday in The Good Book Club struck home. It was from Matthew 7:15-20 and talked about true and false prophets. Even back in the early days of the church, we had charlatans who were quick to pretend omnipotence and omniscience, when instead these “prophets” are to be feared and avoided.

I’m on the side of the scientists who provide guidance on what they know, and admit what they don’t. They are the “good trees” that bear the good fruit.

The tough part today is identifying the “bad trees.”

Matthew 7:15-20:“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Israel, 2011

We live in a great time of mystery. We have not seen a time that is less explained by science since we dove headlong into the Enlightenment. Although we can identify the scourge as the COVID-19 virus, we can neither describe its boldness nor determine its weakness. We are at present powerless to contain its spread.

The early church fought similar battles against infectious diseases, but they were also more aware of another uncontrollable enemy: sin.

We bewail the impact of our present-day virus with many deaths and more to come. We have our own fear of becoming sick, but when we step back, we also perceive a new fear: of infecting someone else who cannot fight the infection and dies, only because we had contact with them through touch, breath or even because we left our mark before they came.

Paul writes repeatedly to early churches to caution them about false prophets and life-styles that were filled with sin. Early converts still lapsed and worshiped small gods that destroyed a man from within. Perhaps our desire for human touch is a small god that when worshiped results in the death of another.

In 1 Corinthians 15:51-58, Paul describes our current despair at our lack of control.

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Yes, it is a mystery. But one thing we know for sure: we all shall be changed.

Blessings to you in this Easter Season!
Agatha

(“Behold, I tell you a mystery..a trumpet sounds..” from Handel’s Messiah: Philippe Sly and the Trinity Wall Street Baroque Orchestra (9:07) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13DpmWPV9IU)

Antigua, Guatemala

As we shelter at home, I have time to think more clearly about my life and purpose and to gain meaning from the past. I’ve been “running on empty” (a great Jackson Browne song) for years. I’m not sure when it started, or maybe it has always been there. Striving for good grades in high school and college, to make an impact in my career as a pharmacist, and volunteer work at church and our art museum. These are definitely all things I enjoy, but I realize that I have been running from point to point for years, never stopping long enough to enjoy the moment.

During these weeks of reflection, I’ve been most appreciative of friends reaching out to make sure I am okay and it has been a pleasure to see my neighbors with their children on bikes and scooters, and everyone out walking their dogs!!

I am even grateful for the internet. I’ve had old friends reach out to re-connect that I haven’t seen in 35 years. In some cases we parted under less-than-ideal circumstances, but now is a heart-warming time of reconciliation. It may be an old romance or an estranged family member but it is good to hear their voice, or read their thoughts. It may be just a short email or phone call to say “I remember that you are a part of my history”, but the reconciliation is salve to a weary soul. Even though we may have been distant for many years, we still care about each other as humans and wish each other all the best.

I’ve had more time for prayer and meditation during these weeks, too and I’ve read verses from 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 which speak of us being reconciled to God through Christ. In turn, we have also been given the ministry of reconciliation. In verses 20-21 we hear: “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors; as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

May this Holy Week bring about reconciliation of us all to God and to each other.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Santiago, my 7-1/2 month old golden retriever

Although I normally work from home one or two days per week, my 7-1/2 month old Golden Retriever, Santiago, is not used to having me around 24/7.

Not unlike my puppy, I have energy to spare right now. Although I’m occupied with work, my favorite distraction is to take Santiago for a walk. It used to be that we’d go for a short walk 3 or 4 times per day, but now it is upwards to 6 or 7.

By the end of the day, Santiago is exhausted.

I realize that even for him in his short puppy life, the last month has been disruptive. More walks, more chasing the ball in the backyard and fewer long naps. He doesn’t understand why we can’t play all day since he can see me home.

I seem to be as busy, but at different things. No trips to the Frist Art Museum, or wine with friends, or even church, but there is plenty to do around the house and neighborhood. It is great to see everyone outside mowing their lawns, walking with their children and dogs, and waving as they get the mail.

It is a different lifestyle and one that I am learning to enjoy. As I rethink my life in new terms today and tomorrow, I’m realizing that I spent a lot of useless time on useless things. More importantly, I appreciate the value of rest and prayers even more than I did before.

Rest from the craziness, and prayers for everyone in the world.

I know that even Santiago appreciates his naps (in between walks), and I’ll bet that he prays often to God in his own dog language.

As we learn a new normal for our life, what is so important that you will continue it, and what activities won’t need to be renewed? Is there a calling for you in this time of contemplation that is becoming clear? What are you supposed to do with the rest of your life?

I’m thankful for every day and the new ways that God continues to reveal Himself to us.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Rembrandt (1627) St. Paul in Prison courtesy of Staatsgalerie, Stuttgart, Germany

This morning at 12:01 am, Mayor John Cooper issued a “Safer at Home” order for all Nashville residents. The order closes non-essential businesses and encourages residents throughout Davidson County to stay home when possible and avoid gatherings of over 10 people for non-essential purposes. In addition, all businesses not performing essential services were ordered to close for 14 days, starting at 12:01 a.m. Monday, March 23.

My company, HCA Healthcare had already implemented a Work From Home requirement last week for employees who are not essential to direct patient care. My church, St. George’s Episcopal Church has also gone to live streaming their Sunday and Daily Worship services for which I am grateful.

As I think through what the next days and weeks will bring, I am blessed to be healthy and to have a job where I can work from home. Many of my friends in the service industries are not as fortunate and I pray that this will be short-lived.

I am also a realist and believe that this time will usher in a cultural change for us as a nation. Similar to the time after WWII, or 9/11, the nation came together to protect each other and to rise as a community. We’ll look at how we spend our time much differently and hopefully spend it more wisely when the choices are again unlimited.

It is widely believed that St. Paul wrote 4 letters while in prison: Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians and Philemon. His desire to be with his communities was not dampened, but the vehicle was changed since he could no longer be with them in person.

As we now have time to pause and think, how will we intentionally spend our time? I predict that our musicians will head to the studios and in 4-6 months we’ll have some great albums to listen to. Perhaps there will be others who are writers who will pen great verses that will enrich our lives later in the year. I’ve started a new book on the Gospel and Letters of John. Maybe now is a good time for me to devote my evenings engrossed in these Bible verses seeking both solace and wisdom.

How will you be spending your time now?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The Deluge, J.M.W. Turner, Exhibited 1805, courtesy Tate Britain

This week’s meditation from The Society of St. John the Evangelist Monastery in Cambridge, MA is on WATER. The video has interesting reflections from many of the Brothers and the Rev. Becky Zartman. You can watch the 15:06 video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed-fP3huw30.

Reflecting on last week, I realized that in addition to water being associated with the beginning of our life through baptism, it is also the mark of the incredible power of God to give life, and end life, through water.

Last Sunday, I gave my first docent tour of the Exhibition: J.M.W. Turner: Quest for the Sublime from the Tate Britain at the Frist Art Museum in Nashville. In the gallery on the historical genre is a painting that was exhibited in 1805: The Deluge. It is a large painting that depicts the flood with Noah’s ark and the chaos inherent in the destruction. It is breath-taking in its fury and you can tell that most of the inhabitants of the earth will not survive the power of the water. You can feel the enormity of God and the futility of the humans to think that they could overcome that much power.

In the entrance to the building is another exhibition in the Conte Gallery: The Nashville Flood: Ten Years Later. This photographic and audio series recounts the devastating flood in 2010 that caused 11,000 properties damaged, 10,000 people displaced and $2 billion in private property damage here in Nashville. There was also $120 million in public infrastructure damage.

When we went to sleep on Monday night, we had no comprehension of what was about to descend on Nashville. A tornado touched down on the west side of Nashville and traveled over 80 miles east to Cookeville. Lives were lost and property damage and people displacement are still being assessed. The storms that accompanied the tornado brought additional damage to properties after they had lost their roofs.

Volunteers came from all over to assist with the clean-up. I saw a limitless caravan of trucks and vans transporting bottled water to homeowners and volunteers as they worked in areas without electricity or other utilities.

Another plague has crept in to our every waking moment. By the end of the week, I’ve seen at least a hundred reminders to WASH MY HANDS with soap and water to help decrease the spread of the coronavirus.

The power of God is unfathomable. With water we are launched into the world in baptism, subject to God’s nature with floods and tornadoes, but then he also uses water for our renewal and protection.

And God is here with us in all things.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Candles, Chapel, The Society of St. John the Evangelist, Episcopal Monastery, Cambridge, MA

Today’s daily practice for the SIGNS OF LIFE Lenten series is to pray with the Third Song of Isaiah and let God speak to us through the Scripture (pg 87 BCP). As I read through the Song, I am comforted by the verses, “Violence will no more be heard in your land, ruin or destruction within your borders.”

That will be my prayer for the remainder of Lent.

What is God saying to you today?For the 15:51 video from the Brothers of SSJE, click here, or https://www.signsoflife.org/light/lightsunday/?fbclid=IwAR2V7IXaro4658zCg0atjLk6egItLJNVRig5_uLB7T3aXNWlwnuIu__iSSA

11 The Third Song of Isaiah Surge, illuminare
Isaiah 60:1-3, 11a, 14c, 18-19

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord has dawned upon you.
For behold, darkness covers the land;
deep gloom enshrouds the peoples.
But over you the Lord will rise,
and his glory will appear upon you.
Nations will stream to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawning.
Your gates will always be open;
by day or night they will never be shut.
They will call you, The City of the Lord,
The Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
Violence will no more be heard in your land,
ruin or destruction within your borders.
You will call your walls, Salvation,
and all your portals, Praise.
The sun will no more be your light by day; *
by night you will not need the brightness of the moon.

The Lord will be your everlasting light, *
and your God will be your glory.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Baptismal Font, cathedral de Avila, Avila Spain, 2019

This Wednesday is Ash Wednesday which starts the six-week season of Lent. This year, I won’t be giving up chocolate or wine; instead I plan to follow some daily practices that will help me go deeper into my faith.

I’m following the SIGNS OF LIFE: WHY CHURCH MATTERS with the Brothers of the Society of Saint John the Evangelist, an Episcopal monastery in Cambridge, MA. The study was developed with the Department of Lifelong Learning at Virginia Theological Seminary and encourages us to worship, pray, learn, turn, bless, go, and rest as we follow the Way of Love.

We are asked to imagine the depth of what we will discover during this Lenten season both in ourselves and in others as we walk the Way of Love.

During this week, we are encouraged to consider:

February 26 Ash Wednesday TURN: Pray for the strength to observe a holy Lent

February 27 Thursday BLESS: Invite someone to something life-giving. Maybe it’s church.

February 28 Friday GO: Ask God to help you see the world the way God sees the world.

February 29 Saturday REST: Praise God for your life—through words or by doing something that
brings you joy

March 1 Sunday WORSHIP: Watch the Video (15:51)- SIGNS OF LIFE: LIGHT

The video has conversations among the Brothers of St. John the Evangelist. Then, answer your own question, “Where is the light in my life?”

If you are in the Middle Tennessee area, join us for Coffee and Conversation on Saturday morning (2/29) from 8-9AM at 8th and Roast at 42nd and Charlotte Pike in Nashville. We’ll talk about our plans for Lenten observation and how our conversations can help to shape the world.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I’m facilitating a new Coffee & Discussion Group on Saturday mornings: The WAY OF LOVE: WHAT WE BELIEVE. We meet at 8th and Roast Coffee House at 42nd and Charlotte in West Nashville from 8AM-9AM. ALL ARE WELCOME!!!

During Lent, we’ll meet to discuss the SIGNS OF LIFE: WHY CHURCH MATTERS series from the Brothers of The Society of Saint John the Evangelist and Virginia Theological Seminary.

You can download the Reader for the series here: SIGNS OF LIFE READER.

At our next meeting on Saturday, February 22nd, we’ll discuss the question, “Why don’t more people go to church in Nashville?” We read a lot about national trends, but how do we answer the question here in our own community? Do you have a story to share?

We’ll also review the SIGNS OF LIFE calendar that invites us to connect scripture and practice during the Lenten season through signs of light, water, food, shelter and community to follow the WAY OF LOVE. You can download a copy of the calendar here: SIGNS OF LIFE CALENDAR. (page 2)

Here’s a 1-minute video invitation from Br. Geoffrey Tristram: https://youtu.be/nZVrPVA-XlU.

Will you join me in open conversation? I’m interested in meeting others to discuss the following questions:

LIGHT: Where is the light in your life? (February 29)
WATER: What keeps you afloat? (March 7)
FOOD: For what do you hunger? (March 14)
SHELTER: Where do you feel most at home? (March 21)
COMMUNITY: Who is your community? (March 28)

On April 4th, we’ll discuss, “Are you ready for Easter?”

ALL ARE WELCOME!! We’d like a diverse group to enter these conversations to provide us with different perspectives and stories. Come share with us why you don’t go to church, or why you do. We’d like to hear your histories and what is important to you in today’s world.

If you want more information or have questions about the group, please use the CONTACT ME link to send me an email. I’ll get back to you and set up a call if you’d like to talk. You can also go to our MEETUP GROUP for more information.

Come for coffee and discussion, or just to listen. But come.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I check social media at least a few times a day as my blog posts appear there and I like to reply promptly to comments or questions.

There are posts from a few friends (past and present) that I always stop to read. They are usually uplifting, inspiring or ask thoughtful questions without judgment or condemnation. I enjoy photos of adorable children and pets, as well as outdoor scenes that remind me of the beauty of nature.

The posts that I only scan seem to be from angry people. Not activists who’ve identified a cause that they care deeply about, but instead they seem to be angry about everything!!

I’ve always been curious about many things but am authority on very few (if any). I’ve also noticed that sometimes my opinions change when I learn new information, but I have to be open to seeing a viewpoint other than my own.

I like to be around positive people who are willing to share information, but also open to listening to others. There is no such thing as a dialogue with only one person.

As Christians, our lives will be filled with struggles.

Early in her career, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was asked about comments made by men that were intentionally degrading. She was asked, “How did you respond?” She said, “Never in anger. That would have been self-defeating.”

I agree, it is self-defeating to respond to any comments with anger.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

U.S. Supreme Court, February 2, 2020

What does it feel like to be falsely accused? I know my first reaction is defensiveness. How do I correct the wrong? How do I explain away a misunderstanding of words? And what if the accusation is intentionally false to create chaos and cast doubt?

My “human” reaction never seems to defuse the situation, but instead to inflame it. I watch the national stage and I see the same: the heat of the fire just gets stronger until judgment is delivered.

But how can I be vindicated of a false statement unless I respond with the same intensity?

My answer is in the Gospels that all report the response of Jesus to His accusers.

During Jesus’s time, nothing provoked greater anger among observant Jews than acts perceived to be defilements of the Temple. We read of Jesus turning over the tables on the money-changers and driving out the pigeon-sellers (the birds were used as sacrifices by worshipers from the Temple). And there was the account in John’s Gospel (5:16-17) where Jesus declares that He is carrying on His Father’s work, even on the Sabbath. John in verse 18 clearly outlines that the Jewish leaders began to persecute Him for blasphemy, “calling God his own Father, and making himself equal to God.”

So as Jesus carries out His Father’s work, it confronts the authority and power of the day. Although the Jewish leaders and Roman Emperor are wary of each other, they have settled on a common enemy: Jesus.

But when Jesus is on trial (John 18:19-21), the high priest asks him about his disciples and teachings. Jesus responds that he has nothing to hide and he taught in the open. He says to ask the others—“Surely they know what I said.” Jesus is rewarded for his honesty with a slap in the face from an official. Jesus responds: “If I said something wrong, testify to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?”

Jesus answers Pilate when accused of being a “king”: “In fact, the reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.”

And Pilate could find no basis for the charge against him.

When anyone speaks the truth, it should not be condemned or ridiculed by the false accusers.

Blessings and Peace, my friend,
Agatha

Tornado, photo from National Geographic

I’ve known narcissists in my life so it is easy for me to recognize the signs. They create a general state of disorder, spreading drama that they love to start. And then they take command as “savior” to solve the issue they just created. They engage in behaviors to satisfy their need to feel superior and a desire to stand out among others, or even better, to occupy a position above them. Every problem is a “huge” problem that is only solved with lots of drama and only fixed by them.

Our culture seems to thrive on insincere interactions and man-made problems that only a few can solve.

During my prayer time, I’ve been contrasting this picture with what I see in Jesus.

Throughout the Gospels, Jesus calmly goes about preaching, teaching and healing. No mega-million rallies, or fierce chants directed against others. In many cases He even told those healed to not tell anyone. How’s that for humility!

I see that Jesus’ reaction to chaos or discontent was typically to go off to a quiet spot and pray. I’m sure he was praying for others and not himself. I picture Him in the garden or the desert calmly contemplating His divinity and His humanity.

This year I’ve made it a part of my focus to learn from Jesus and be the one who calms the chaos not the one who creates it. It’s hard to read the news or listen to the radio without getting worked up about the latest tragedy to despair over. There are plenty of injustices that deserve our attention, but they don’t need to be magnified by the narcissists in the world.

I pray that you will find the serenity that Jesus models for us as he quietly goes about what God has asked Him to do.

Blessings and Peace,
Agatha

I gave a docent tour at the Frist Art Museum this past Sunday of our current exhibition: Hearts of Our People: Native Women Artists.It is a beautiful exhibition curated by the Minneapolis Institute of Art which will travel to the Smithsonian in Washington, DC and the Gilcrease Museum in Tulsa, OK after it closes here in Nashville next weekend.

One piece stood out this past Sunday: Idiot Strings: The Things We Carry by Sonya Kelliher-Combs an Athabascan and Inupiat artist from Alaska. It is a series of goat and sheep hide pouches attached to strings, forming floating pockets. They cast shadows on the ground, creating an ethereal effect. The piece is, in part, the artist’s response to the suicides of three of her relatives. The strings invoke “the idea of tethering,” she said, “to not forget about these people.”

I talked with my tour group about the empty pouches and how they represent the burdens that we carry with us that we need to empty out from our lives. We have all been harmed in some way whether it is discrimination, relationship difficulties, or being slighted. It may be physical, emotional or spiritual harm, but we have all experienced the difficulties that life brings us.

But which are the ones that we should no longer emotionally carry, not forgetting that they ever happened, but instead recognizing that they make up our past, but they don’t need to harm our future?

My tour group also talked about how our movement and our breath influences the swaying of the empty pouches. Representing how intertwined we are with each other and how we can either provide comfort and nourishment, or tear down others with our words and actions.

And the idiot strings? They are a reference to the string where a small child’s mittens are attached so they don’t get lost. In Alaska, it is important to not lose your mittens!

But the emotional scars that we have, they don’t need to be a burden forever.

Here’s a 1:19 minute video of the installation at another museum in Norway of Idiot Strings: https://youtu.be/WqkL2faAHmI

I plan to carry this image with me through my next week.

What burdens are you carrying? Or what can you do to relieve the burdens in others?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Last week was a wonderful week with well-wishes from old and new friends for my 65th birthday. It was good to see old and new friends at a pharmacy meeting last week and then reconnect with old friends via email and Facebook, some dating back to my high school days!!

I admit that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders last week. Turning 65 means being eligible for Medicare. Although I’m still working and have health insurance, I also have a history of breast cancer, a “pre-existing condition” in insurance terms.

My mother taught me to always look at a job offer in total. Was it a company I wanted to work for from an ethical standpoint? Was the offer fair for the skills I had to offer? But she also taught me that even more important than the salary, was the health insurance. My brother was disabled and my mother understood even in the 1940’s how expensive healthcare would become. I was relatively healthy until 2006 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I had wonderful doctors with a treatment plan involving multiple surgeries and long-term hormonal suppression therapy. I was declared “cured” in 2006 after a left mastectomy and I was lucky that it was caught early. I didn’t need any other chemotherapy or radiation but was on oral suppression therapy for six years to prevent a recurrence. Cancer put my life on pause, changing it forever.

In November 2011, five years after my doctors declared me “cured”, I applied for, and was turned down for, long-term disability insurance through my employer. This was outsourced to a third-party insurance company and I was again turned down on appeal. Although I was five years cancer-free, the insurance company indicated that I had a “pre-existing” condition which did not meet their guidelines for insurance.

I know first-hand what it was like in my 50’s to be turned down for insurance.

I don’t think that Medicare for everyone is the answer, but my personal cancer diagnosis is a “pre-existing” condition that caused me to worry that if I ever lost my job, I would be uninsurable. But now, I’m Medicare-eligible.

I work out, have no chronic medical conditions and try to eat right. I take no medications but a Vitamin D supplement every day. But it is impossible to predict what the future holds.

As of Friday, I no longer need to worry about being “uninsurable”. The National Cancer Institute (NCI) estimated in 2016 that 15.5 million people have been diagnosed with cancer and are living with that diagnosis day-to-day.

That is a lot of US citizens that could be “uninsurable” if insurance companies can deny insurance based upon the “pre-existing condition” of “cancer survivor”.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Catedral de Santiago de Compostela

I learned a lot about myself as I walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain last month. Ten-hour hikes, often alone, gave me plenty of time to think, sort things out and do some analysis of my life.

I tried not to scrutinize past occurrences. It doesn’t do any good to replay negative events over and over, hoping that the outcomes will change or finding something new to blame. But it is a unique history that belongs only to me that I never want to deny.

In thinking through the decades, I have always wanted to be somewhere in the middle of the pack: never the leader, but also never last. I don’t know why that has always been a comfort zone for me, but I’ve repeated it in both my professional life and personal relationships. I was content to be the bridesmaid for years (and not the bride), and be the secretary of an organization, but not the President. I seemed to feel that hard, dedicated work was more honorable than just contributing little and getting all the glory.

I think part of my intention was to be an example of humility, not grabbing the spotlight on what I had done, but recognizing the accomplishment of others. Out on the Camino, I started to think that this was misguided. Humility isn’t about recognizing the works of others, but instead recognizing how all the works come from God. It is a nuance that is often missed.

I’ve done a disservice in my life in being a “middle-of-the-road”, “blend into the group” type of person.

The last day of the Camino was the most enlightening. I was thrilled with the thought of being able to finish the 73 mile hike and get my Compostela. I’d walked on-and-off with our group until about 11am, and then started walking alone where I got “lost”. I had no idea who was behind me or who was ahead of me, but I knew I had to keep walking.

For awhile I was uneasy that I didn’t know where anyone was. There were other strangers on the path, but no one from my group. I asked myself, “Why am I walking? Am I walking to impress or walking to encourage? What does it mean when I walk alone?

I do walk alone as neither a leader or a follower. My actions and words are not measured in the context of those before me or those behind, but instead they are measured in how they bring glory to God. I need that intention to be more obvious in my everyday life.

It is not important whether I am leading or following others, but instead that I am solely following God’s plan in my life.

The last day on the Camino has changed my life. I no longer make decisions based upon the perception of others, or the social capital that it may bring. Instead, every day is lived in allegiance to doing God’s work as His hands, heart, eyes, and feet on earth.

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

How does it feel to be looking for something for a long time, and then to see your first glimpse?

I’d been wanting to make a pilgrimage to walk the Camino de Santiago for decades. My favorite Gospel is John’s and I’ve often wondered what it would have been like for the two brothers, John and James to have followed Jesus and to have been counted among his closest disciples.

Did it feel like work, or a mystery that couldn’t be solved? Were they amazed at the miracles, did they really believe?

I’d been walking for five days. Although the destination was clear, the path was not, as each day had its own challenges. Some days the challenge was the distance, rocky terrain or rainy weather, but every day had a similar challenge: unlimited time without distraction.

I had not realized how “busy” my mind had become at home, flitting from one topic to another, all the bad and good together without room for anything else. But walking for 9 hours in one day was the cure.

As my mind began to empty without constant distractions, I kept focus on my faith with unceasing prayer (the Our Fathers and Hail Marys I learned as a youth), and on my steps, counting each one to one hundred over and over again. I realized that counting my steps was also a prayer. After 12 years of joint pain post breast cancer, I was finally relieved of the relentless pain.

I walked alone into Santiago but I could tell I was close to the end of my destination. I looked at a map and knew that I would still walk through the entire town to get to the Cathedral.

I passed albergues, restaurants and bars. It wasn’t the most inspiring end to the long journey, but I was thankful to see other perigrinos to confirm I was still headed in the right direction.

And then, there it was. I looked up among the urban landscape and saw the spire! It was my first glimpse of my destination after a long, long journey.

I walked where the faithful have traveled since the 9th century, with over 300,000 in 2017 taking one of the various routes, but all ending at the Cathedral. I “hugged St. James” (Abrazo de Apostol) a tradition where each pilgrim is greeted by the hospitable St. James with a hug as we come into his house. Along with a hug, we say a prayer for our needs, the needs of others, or our thankfulness for knowing Christ.

Tradition has it that the journey begins at one’s home and ends at the Cathedral.

It is a journey into oneself, alone. My Camino taught me a lot about myself.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Capila de San Marcos, Monte de Gozo, Spain

It is the last day for our hike. Twelve miles to go from Pedrouzo to reach Santiago. It seems like we have just started on this journey with friends I’ve known all my life. I know that neither is true: this is the fifth and last day of our hike and I have just met these amazing people a little over a week ago.

As always we started the day with a prayer as well as a special admonition from Bishop Doug Sparks. We will pass a chapel at about the half-way point that is at the Monte de Gozo (Mount of Joy). This is where we can catch a glimpse of Santiago’s Cathedral and are only about 6 miles from our final destination. Bishop Sparks encouraged us to note our cares and concerns in those first 6 miles and then to stop in the Chapel of St. Mark (Capila de San Marcos) and leave all our cares and concerns there. We should come out of the Chapel with the understanding that Christ has already carried all our burdens for us.

We started with a fairly large hill and by 11am I found myself walking alone again. I remembered what Bishop Sparks had said, and I spent the morning re-tracing my life, identifying the idols that I have never been able to shake. Topmost of those idols for me are a longing for a loving family and an unhealthy approach to food/weight. I’ve made very poor decisions when I put these idols ahead of God.

As I approached the entrance to the Monte de Gozo, I recognized Bishop Carlos Lozano and Carol Aves, two members of our group who were touring UTO grant sites. It was good to see someone I knew after walking alone for hours. They said I was the first hiking pilgrim they had seen, but I said that it wasn’t possible: there were at least 6 people who had started out ahead of me in the morning and were walking faster.

I went into the small Chapel of St. Mark where a handful of people were kneeling and praying with candles flickering in the light breeze. It was cool and calm and I felt a need to take in the essence of the chapel alongside these strangers in the pews. I remembered Bishop Sparks’ morning words and I named the idols that I had worshiped in my life. They had been family, food, success, work/career acknowledgement and financial success, and I realized how they all were in a competition in my soul to try to crowd out Christ. I vowed to guard against the idols that had trapped me from doing God’s work, and lit a candle to seal my commitment with an outward sign of my sincere devotion.

I left the chapel and again saw no one that I knew. The Grant site pilgrims had left and I didn’t see anyone from our group hiking, so I started afresh knowing that I had about 6 miles left to reach my final destination.

With my head and heart empty, I thought back to writings from St. John of the Cross. In these last few miles to Santiago, I experienced that third dark night described by St. John of the Cross.

As I started the descent into Santiago, I no longer desired anything but to keep walking toward my destination, and I identified my destination was to be in union with God. St. John says that it is experienced as the dawning of a new day where the soul has been transformed through God and love has been accomplished.

I kept walking and no longer cared where anyone else from my group was or how much further I needed to go. I was confident I was on the right road and that with strength and endurance, I would eventually reach that third night.

The Grant Site Pilgrims were waiting for us one kilometer from the Cathedral of St. James. I saw Lynette, JoAnne and Carol as they exclaimed that I had made it and that I was the first one.

“But I can’t be first, there are at least 6 ahead of me.”

But it didn’t matter. Walking alone for the past 3 hours I was able to experience that union with God.

In the book, Find Your Way Home by Episcopal Priest Becca Stevens of Nashville, the 18th chapter is titled “Walk Behind”:

“On the Spiritual path we are not asked to walk side by side as friends. We are asked to walk behind our God.

We are called to learn what servanthood means and to follow our spiritual path…

To walk behind means that I need to follow. It means I can share new ideas, give hope, and open my heart. If I walk behind, it means that I can look ahead and see the faces of my sisters looking back at me. I can see them smiling and laughing with great joy. I can imagine that one day it will be my face that is looking back, giving hope to someone who is walking behind…

As I walk behind, I realize we all are walking behind a power greater than ourselves.”

As I finish my Camino I know that it is God that I am walking behind, and no other person or thing can take the place of my heart’s union with God.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Botana Estate Chapel, Arzúa, Spain

Our fourth day on the Camino was only 11 miles from Arzùa to Pedrouzo and a more gentle route through meadows, oak and eucalyptus trees with small villages.

It was farther than I’d ever walked in any day before the Camino but after 18 miles the day before, it seemed manageable. I taped my big toes again and determined to finish Day 4.

Again, we all started out as a group with a short prayer and meditation. We were reminded by Bishop Sparks and Canon Walker to make the journey for today “our own”. Soon we were all separated, walking at different paces.

I was walking alone and I began to think about what was unique about my journey. I realized it wasn’t because it was more special than anyone else’s, but it was mine alone.

I replayed snippets of my life starting with childhood and working through the decades. Although everything was not perfect, I did have a lot to be thankful for even when I wasn’t sure of the events.

My childhood was not a perfect family life, but I am grateful for the firm foundation in the Christian faith I received from observing my mother’s faithfulness.

I recalled my apprehension when my family moved and I had to switch schools on Thanksgiving Day of 9th grade. I didn’t know then that the school was much better than the one I had left, and I met the most amazing classmates who became my friends. I am still in awe of the class that graduated from Geneseo Central in 1972.

I recalled transferring to pharmacy school in 1974, going from Upstate New York to Oklahoma to go to school and play varsity golf. I would never have had the opportunities of a lifetime (both in pharmacy and in college athletics), if I hadn’t taken the risk of that move into unknown territory. And I met life-long friends from my 20 years in Oklahoma.

My time in San Antonio was special where I made more life-long friends and first came to understand how connected I feel to the Hispanic culture and people. My sister-in-law Cecilia is from Guadalajara and has been a constant reminder of how special family can be along with her husband (my brother-in-law), Michael. I enjoy our conversations and visits and can’t wait to share about my trip to Spain.

I am most grateful for my breast cancer diagnosis in 2006. That sounds like an unusual thing to be grateful for, but it reinforced my faith when I had to put everything in God’s hands and finally understood how powerless I am on my own. I drew on my mother’s faithfulness long after she had passed away, but those memories stay forever.

Towards the end of the 11 miles, I realized how amazing it was for me to even complete so much hiking with no pain. After my breast cancer diagnosis, I had to take drugs for 6 years to prevent a recurrence. The drugs were necessary but caused severe joint pain that was not easy to control. After I stopped the drugs, the pain didn’t subside. The diagnosis of missing cartilage in my left hip wasn’t made until 2016, a full ten years after the joint pain started. I had almost given up hope of ever having a time when I wasn’t in pain, or when I could exercise again.

It was nothing short of a miracle when I had hip replacement surgery in December 2018. And here I was one day away from completing a 73 mile hike over 5 days and getting my Compostela, the Latin certificate for pilgrims who walk for spiritual reasons that shows that I had walked the last 100 kilometers.

To be relieved of pain is the most amazing experience and the one I am most grateful for. I realize that in order to be relieved of pain, one must have pain. Whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual, pain is the basis for the healing process. For that I am grateful.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Melide, Galicia, Spain

We had already walked 29 miles on the previous two days. I was stiff and sore when I woke up, but didn’t find any blisters. I was determined to at least try the most demanding day of our Camino. Today we would walk for 18 miles.

After stretching the stiffness out and bandaging the hot spots on my big toes, I developed a plan. I would walk for about 9 miles and then stop for lunch. I’d think of that as “one day”. After lunch, I’d consider the last 9 miles a new, fresh day with only 9 miles left.

As usual, I started out walking with our group but we soon broke apart, all striding at different paces. I wondered if it would be harder to keep going physically for 18 miles, or mentally. I couldn’t remember a time where I had 10 hours ever to just think without another purpose. What would occupy my mind?

Buen Camino. Buen Camino. Buen Camino. I struck up short conversations with people from France, Puerto Rico, Argentina and Brazil. Most were on their first camino and were Roman Catholic following on this spiritual pilgrimage as a life-long dream. I saw bikers today, but they rarely had time to speak as they either whizzed by or huffed and puffed up the hills. No time for conversation.

I found my group for lunch and uncharacteristically felt I needed more “fuel” than my usual midday meal. I indulged on paprika-laced octopus and potato tortillas. I started out refreshed after lunch but realized after the first 15 minutes that I was in dire need of a restroom! For 50 euro cents for “non-clientes” a friendly bar was my savior waystation.

I was determined to continue on although I didn’t feel particularly great. There was always an option at the next town to call a taxi and stop walking. I wanted to at least try to complete the last 9 miles for the day. After all, I had a plan.

After my restroom stop, I walked alone. It wasn’t the physical exertion that was so demanding, but the mental exertion of keeping my mind occupied. The first two days I had played a never-ending loop about work, my eventual retirement, my childhood and the people in my life who were important in forming my faith. I thought of other church trips I’d been on going back to early adulthood. My thoughts were playing in an endless loop as I walked. I tried interspersing “Our Fathers” and “Hail Marys” and counting my steps from 1 to 100. I was sure I was close to the end, but a map showed I still had 7 miles to go!

I thought back to Day 1 of my camino when I experienced the first night described by St. John of the Cross. This night is represented by twilight as light begins to leave us and correspondingly where we leave our attachment to earthly things. I thought back to Day 1 and the question: What am I attached to that is preventing me from deepening my faith?

Today, on Day 3 as I walked in an endless monotone of exhaustion and desire, I experienced the second dark night of St. John of the Cross. In this night there is total darkness, and we enter into the night by living by faith alone, a faith that excludes all intellectual knowledge. In this night, we trust that God is there, not because we can see, feel, or hear Him, but because we know that He is there. He is there protecting us from harm. It is a “night” because if the soul denies what it perceives through the senses, it lives in darkness devoid of light. The soul must pass through this dark night, devoid of all light and shadows in order to reach union with God.

I have no recollection of the last 6 miles I walked. I cannot describe the terrain, the foliage, or if there were birds or cows on the path. I walked in the middle of the day in total darkness.

On the last mile I came upon another member of our group, Suzanne. It was my first recognition that I was back in the reality of our world again. Suzanne had been my encouraging shepherd on the previous two days, but she said she was thinking about stopping and taking the bus the last mile.

Instead, we walked the last mile together on faith alone in the darkest of nights and made it to Arzúa.

To God be the Glory.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Crucerio, Palas de Rei, Spain

More miles than yesterday. I’d never walked 14 miles before and on the second day our walk was 15 miles. The good news is that my hip didn’t hurt at all after the first day (miracles), I only had two hot spots (no blisters), and after getting stretched out at breakfast my shins only hurt a little.

This stage is from Portomarín to Palas de Rei. After a steep downhill at the start, I walked rolling hills through the countryside. I started out with our group, but then we spread out at different paces and I found that I was striding on my own.

At first I had trouble clearing my head as work and things I needed to do kept popping in. I needed to find a way to crowd out my everyday thoughts. After all, I was in Spain walking on the Camino!! Why was I carrying my forever burdens on this wonderful trip?

Eventually after lunch I settled into a rhythm with my walking sticks and my mind began to clear. I heard some birds chattering and started noticing the pilgrims walking around me.

“Buen Camino.” “Buen Camino.” “Buen Camino.”

After one “Buen Camino” exchange, I thought I detected a U.S. accent and inquired. He was from the Northern Virginia area celebrating a friend’s 50th birthday. A group of six men had come to make their first Caminos, enjoying their friendship and sharing the Camino experience.

We shared our hopes for the trip and I learned that he was Roman Catholic and one in his group is a priest. He said they were disappointed when they heard that St. James Cathedral in Santiago is closed for services as it is undergoing remodeling.

I told him of my transition to the Episcopal Church in 2008 and invited him to join us in Eucharist on Sunday in Santiago where Bishop Lozano (Bishop of Spain) had made arrangements for us to celebrate mass in Santa Susana Chapel near the Cathedral.

“Would we be comfortable?” he asked.

“I think you’d be very comfortable. The liturgy is similar to a Catholic service where we take bread and wine. Although we have female clergy with us, they won’t be allowed to celebrate since it is a Catholic Chapel. You and your friends are invited to join us at noon on Sunday.”

He took my name and number and promised to call for more information. When he stopped for lunch, I continued on.

I thought a lot about that conversation for the rest of my walk that day. I knew it was what drew me to the Episcopal Church in 2008: recognition that women can be called to be clergy, clergy can marry, and all are welcome at the Eucharist. It has been a place of hope and healing for me ever since.

It occupied my thoughts for the rest of the day. Why was I so comfortable in the Episcopal Church and how can I encourage others? I’d recalled that we were told about Bishop Lozano raising money to buy a building in Santiago for an Anglican Centre where they would be daily church services where women can celebrate and all baptized Christians are welcomed. It would be an oasis of healing, hope and love for all weary travelers.

I think that is what the early church looked like. Everyone caring for each other without denominations and constraints based upon gender. I wonder if we can ever restore that unconditional love for each other that Jesus demonstrated when He was on earth.

That night at dinner I thought again of my conversation and I hoped that they would join us at service. What a wonderful way to be on the Camino and to unite like the early church!

I’ve made my donation to the Anglican Centre in Santiago. The United Thank Offering (UTO) of the Episcopal Church is matching donations made through December 31, 2019. Here’s more information about the Centre and how to donate: WALK WITH US.

Help to create a place where all are welcomed, as we continue on our long hard journeys.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The photo is a Cruceiro (stone cross) just outside of our Day 2 destination, Palas de Rei.

111 km

I was filled with apprehension the morning of our first day. Would I be able to walk 14 miles over uneven terrain from Sorria to Portomarín ten months after a hip replacement? But you never are sure until you try.

I was with a group of 20 from all over the United States whom I had just met two days before. Each person was interesting as we swapped stories of our lives and our faith and what had brought us to the Camino, most for the first time. I knew why I had come: it was a life-long dream since I was raised Catholic, and have always enjoyed being outdoors. My favorite Gospel is St. John’s, so a pilgrimage to Santiago where the relics of his older brother St. James are stored, is inspiring. And, as I approach retirement within the next few years, I feel a need to discern what that looks like, particularly in how I can best serve God.

We walked some together but then also apart. Fourteen miles is a long way and I found myself struggling on the hills, both upward and downward. My focus was on my feet and my walking sticks to ensure that I didn’t trip and fall.

After the first hour, I realized how heavy my burden was. Although our suitcases were moved each night to our new destination, I had a full daypack. I stopped and realized that the heaviest things I had were my Nikon Z6 full-frame camera and my REI water bottle!!! I love taking photographs and wanted to have the best record of my journey. And my refillable REI water bottle was a thinly veiled protest against plastic.

As I walked, the rain started to come. First a gentle rain and then a soaking downpour requiring rain jackets and pants and even a rain jacket for my backpack. But where I was there were no choices. I had to keep walking forward on the trail.

I was reading the Collected Works of St. John of the Cross on the plane ride to Madrid and I recognized the “dark night”. St. John calls our journey toward union with God a night that is divided into three parts like a natural night. The first part, the night of the senses, resembles early evening, that time of twilight when things begin to fade from sight. The second part, faith, is completely dark, like midnight. The third part, representing God, is like the very early dawn just before the break of day.

The expression “night” signifies the deprivation of the gratification of the soul’s appetites in all things. Just as the night is devoid of light, darkness and emptiness of all visible objects can be called a night for the soul. It is necessary for us to experience this first “night” on our quest to be reunited with God.

As I continued along the path, the rains came again and I thought the journey would never end. I recognized the dark night that resembles early evening, where things I can see, hear and feel begin to disappear in the fog. As I took each step, I contemplated what things in my life I had become attached to. They included possessions (my camera), my REI water bottle, my friends, my church, and more. It wasn’t that I had to give any of these up, but more an awareness of the things that possessed me and had become prizes in my life to acquire and hold rather than treasures to just enjoy.

One of my new walking friends is a priest from the Boston area who will be retiring at the end of the year. He shared that he and his wife are giving away all their possessions including books, CDs, furniture, etc. After traveling for six months visiting friends and family, they will decide where they want to live and what retirement looks like for them. His story caused me to ask, “What is it that I need to give up to be closer to God?” “How many “things” does it take in life to have faith?”

The next day I packed a lighter backpack. The fancy camera was back in my suitcase (my iPhone was good enough) and my REI water bottle had been replaced by one plastic, refillable one. There was no rain predicted so I shed my rain pants, too.

I continue to contemplate, “What else do I need to give up in my life that is hindering me from union with God?”

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

We made it to Santiago. Each one of us had different reasons for attempting the journey but all of us wanted to be closer to God in our own way. It will take weeks or months to process what we heard, felt, saw and smelled along this journey and how each step has helped us grow in our faith.

Although we were tired upon our arrival, we stood in a long line to hug the statue of St. James and visit his crypt at the Cathedral. The hug is a tradition like you would hug a friend who has invited you to his house for conversation and a meal.

This photo is inside the Cathedral as you go up the steps to hug the massive statue of St. James upon the completion of your journey.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

Today’s walk was only 11 miles through beautiful meadows and forested areas. It still had challenges of a few uphills and rocky trails. I’ve learned to choose my paths wisely, sometimes opting for a slightly longer way with a more consistent terrain. Slippery rocks from an early morning dew not only slow me down but make for more chances to trip, or fall.

I started the week anxious of the Camino wondering if I could endure the hiking just 10-months from a hip replacement. I’ve learned it isn’t just the physical aspect (which is harder than I had imagined), but also the mental challenge of keeping my mind occupied with Godly things for a 6-9-hour period. I repeated many prayers from the prayer book, as well as naming friends I’m praying for, but it was hard to keep the concerns of everyday life shut out. However, as I became more tired this week, I learned to let go and let God be in charge. I realized that most of my worries are unchanged by my thoughts and that the peacefulness I found out-of-doors with physical exhaustion helped me to keep my mind on more important things: listening for God’s voice in my life.

I was amazed that I didn’t care where I was, but I knew that I would eventually reach my destination.

Today ended as we met the other half of our group who have been touring UTO Grant sites with Bishop Carlos Lozano, the Bishop of Spain. We had the joy of celebrating Eucharist with Bishop Carlos and Bishop Doug Sparks from Northern Indiana in a church in Arzúa, Parroquia de Santa Maria de Villadavil.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

Today is our longest day on the Camino. I walked 18.3 miles in a little over 9 hours with an early morning rest and time out for lunch.

I’ve never walked that far before, not even close. I learned that when you are on a journey as a Christian, time and space are not measured with scientific principles. I can attest that it didn’t matter if I could walk today’s leg in 7 hours or 12 hours, the time did not matter as the only goal for today was to finish. I can also attest that I can’t measure the distance adequately. After 9 miles and our lunch break, it became only a matter of endurance that was filled with reciting prayers, those names of people that I need to pray for and meeting interesting people along the way.

We had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and to keep going until we came to the end.

The Camino is filled with little churches where you can get your Pilgrim’s credential stamped to show you were there. This photo is from a tiny church, Iglesia de Santa Maria de Melide that dates back to the 12th century.

Blessing, my friend,

Agatha

The day began as Bishop Sparks blessed our day’s journey and Canon Michelle Walker reminded us that we each have our own journey to make. No journey is better than another; those who walk quickly are not better than those who walk slowly. And those who take a taxi for the last portion should not see it as a failure, but instead it is the Camino that they are called to make.

Although there are over 20 of us who started walking in Sorria yesterday, we all have different histories and experiences. But we are all open to how the Camino has brought us together and how it will change us as individuals.

I walked with some of our group today, and then sometimes by myself. I walked slowly over slippery rocks from yesterday’s rain, and then walked more quickly over the paths that were level and smooth, walked by millions of pilgrims before us. I met a gentleman from a Catholic Church in Northern Virginia who was also on his first Camino, celebrating a 50th birthday of a friend.

We swapped stories at dinner of how we were sustained on the 15 mile hike. Some of us had favorite prayers, and others of us were praying for others. We focused not so much on the final destination, but instead on the few steps ahead of us that we could see in the fog.

We have a longer day tomorrow, but for today, I was reminded how each of us is loved by God as an individual and we have a unique story to tell. It is through perseverance and our never-ending reliance on God that gets us through those last few miles of any day’s journey.

This photo is in Ligonde where our journey came to a slower pace. These cows were moving to the barn to be milked, and they happened to take a part of the Camino on their journey.

Blessing, my friend,

Agatha

I love to be outdoors particularly hiking, golfing and swimming. Today we walked 14 miles on the first leg of our Camino de Santiago from Sorria to Portomarin. It was much harder than I expected, but the terrain was interesting with some challenging hills, plenty of agriculture and farm animals.

It was our first day of hiking, and we got caught in drizzle that turned to downpours four different times throughout our 5-1/2 hour walk. The stones in some parts became slippery which slowed our walking to a crawl. We had no other option but to keep forging ahead, one step at a time.

There is plenty of time to think on the Camino whether you are walking with someone or by yourself. During those downpours, I was thinking about how the rain had washed away all our sins. The cleansing power of water in our baptism is carried through life as we are continuously reminded about Christ’s sacrifice for us and how his Resurrection has redeemed us from sin.

It is supposed to be a pretty day tomorrow with no rain predicted, but it was good for us to start out with the reminder that are sins have been forgiven.

We’ll arise tomorrow to start another day, brightened by the clean slate we’ve been given and fortified for the 15 mile journey ahead of us tomorrow.

The photo is from Camino at about the 12th mile as we broke over the hill to see the town of Portomarin.

Blessings, my friend,

Agatha

The busyness of life seems to be constantly nipping at my heels. With my contemplative orientation, I crave periods of rest and time to think without worldly distractions.

But I’ve come to appreciate that my faith has really blossomed during times of community, particularly when I travel with groups of Christians to faraway places. The shared bond of being bound through Christ as well as the ability to get away from my “normal world” makes for fertile ground for the Holy Spirit to enter the space with a clear voice.

My first adult “retreat” to New Mexico was with a group of Singles from a large Baptist Church in Oklahoma City when I had just finished college. I remember clearly the crisp evening air for long walks, but I still cherish the deep conversations that were inspired by my traveling companions.

My next experience was what brought me to the Episcopal Church: A trip to South Africa to serve at a small church in Kagiso. It was a turning point for me post breast cancer to be with a committed group of Christians who delight in serving the Lord and embrace new experiences.

Since then, I’ve been on church trips to the Holy Land, Greece and Turkey, and England (tracing our Anglican roots). In all cases I’ve met the most interesting people and had the most engaging conversations. But most important of all, I’ve learned more about myself.

This week begins my Camino. I expect that I will again meet the most interesting people that God wants me to meet and I will have the best conversations. I suspect that I will learn even more about myself through these new friends.

Please pray for me and our 30 pilgrims as we travel to visit where people have sought a clearer understanding of their faith for almost 1000 years.

Peace, my friend,
Agatha

Credencial del Peregrino

This week my Camino preparation is to read “Pilgrimage: a journey within” by Br. Geoffrey Tristram of The Society of St. John the Evangelist (SSJE), an Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA. You can read the entire reflection as an on-line magazine or as a PDF copy.

Although I am making a physical journey to Spain, it is not about the going, it is about the changes from within.

Br. Tristram writes:
“Whether or not each of us eventually chooses to embark on a physical pilgrimage at some point in our life, we are all of us called to set out, ever afresh, on the inner kind of pilgrimage, the pilgrimage of the heart. We are called, in the words of Jerome, to “live for Jerusalem,” as we follow Christ on a journey of growth and transformation.

“Come follow me. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life” (Jn 14:6). Christianity has never been a static body of doctrine, but rather is a dynamic way of life. The first term used in the New Testament to describe Christians is “followers of the Way,” because of Jesus’ compelling invitation to take to the road, to make all of life into a continuous pilgrimage. Monica Furlong, in her book Traveling In, wrote, “The religious person is the one who believes that life is about making some kind of journey. The non-religious person is the one who believes there is no journey to make.”

The journey – whether it be the journey of Abraham or Moses, Jesus’ disciples or medieval pilgrims – has never been simply about traveling across physical space toward a holy site. Every outward journey of pilgrimage always has as its true goal an inner journey of transformation.

The essence of pilgrimage, then, is the journey within. Therefore the essential pilgrimage to undertake is not the one of the feet, but the one of the heart. For this reason, I love the story that Sr. Benedicta recounts of the early Egyptian recluse, who fell under criticism for living a sedentary life. “Why are you sitting here and doing nothing?” one monk asked her. She replied, “I am not doing nothing; I am on a journey.”

We can embark on the most amazing journey without ever leaving our room. Every day Jesus calls us to embrace new life, and that means to let go, to leave behind what has become too comfortable, our habits, our compulsions. It means each morning awakening to a new day and saying to God, “Where do you want to lead me today on the journey of life? What are you asking me to leave behind? How are you asking me to change?”

“To live is to change,” wrote Cardinal Newman, “and to be perfect is to have changed often.”

To quote T.S. Eliot, “The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and to know the place for the first time.” At the end of our journey, we will find ourselves, finally, home.”

I am praying this week that I will be changed by my Camino and by the journey within.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius Loyola (1491-1556) are a compilation of meditations, prayers, and contemplative practices developed by St. Ignatius to help people deepen their relationship with God.

The Prayer of Examen is a daily spiritual exercise in remembering and is often practiced twice per day at noon and at the end of the day.

PRESENCE OF GOD
First, I begin with a PAUSE and a slow, deep breath or two to become aware that I am in the PRESENCE OF GOD.

THANKSGIVING (more examples below)Next is a time of THANKSGIVING when I review what I am especially grateful for in the past hours:

The gift of another day...
The love and support I have received...
The courage I have mustered...
An event that took place today...

PETITION
Third is a time of PETITION where I ask for the light to know God and to know myself as God sees me.
This prepares me for the next step where I REVIEW the day:

REVIEW (more examples below)
Rather than trying to interpret, justify, or rationalize, just take time to remember. Trust the Spirit to guide you to the areas of your life that He would like to heal. Jesus invites us to ask specifically for the areas in our life where we want healing:

Where have I felt true joy today?
What has troubled me today?
What has challenged me today?
Where and when did I pause today?
Have I noticed God's presence in any of this?

RESPONSE
After my REVIEW, I engage with God to ask: What is my response to the presence of You in my life today?

LOOKING AHEAD
The final stage is that of LOOKING AHEAD:

As I look ahead, what comes to mind?
With what spirit do I want to enter tomorrow?

I hope that you will take the time each day to give thanks and review your response to God’s grace as you rest in the presence of God. Here’s a prayer card from IgnatianSpirituality.com that you can download and print for your daily reminder: Examen Prayer Card. And a 6-minute video explaining the Examen: Video.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Additional examples of Gratitude and Review:

Experiencing Gratitude:If the only prayer we have is “thank you”, isn’t that enough?

Freedom
Joy
Compassion
Peace
Power
Strength
Courage
Patience
Abundance
Security
Wisdom
Forgiveness
Confidence
Wholeness
Grace
Victory

ReviewRather than trying to interpret, justify, or rationalize, just take time to remember. Trust the Spirit to guide you to the areas of your life that He would like to heal. Jesus invites us to ask specifically for the areas in our life where we want healing:

Addiction
Anger
Anxiety
Depression
Deteriorating Capabilities
Disappointments
Doubts
Failures
Fear
Hopelessness
Illness
Injury
Insecurity
Loneliness
Pride
Poor choices
Regrets
Resentments
Restlessness
Sadness
Self-flagellation
Shame
Temptations
Violations

This week I am preparing for my Camino Walk in October by contemplating my dream job. I hope to retire within the next few years and this will be important as I may not have a “full-time job”, but I will still have 24 hours in each day that need to be spent wisely.

I looked over my list of 20 Favorite Things To Do to narrow down the activities that bring me joy.

My dream job would contain the following elements:

Creativity- I enjoy writing and photography. I have authored a blog since September 2010 and usually write a short article each week. My website topic is: “On our relationship with God, and the relationships that flow from our first love.” I sprinkle in some photographs, usually of places I visit, the zoo, or flowers.
Contemplation/Prayer- I enjoy contemplative retreats, particularly at The Society of St. John the Evangelist, an Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA and the peacefulness of the Chapel at St. George’s Episcopal Church in Nashville. I am a member of the Healing Prayer Lay Ministry at St. George’s and find both public and private prayer to be a calming influence in my life. I’m looking forward to my Camino Walk as a time of contemplation and prayer.
Travel- I’ve been lucky to travel with best friends and family that includes Mission trips and Pilgrimages with my church. I’ve found that you really get to know people when you travel with them for 10 days! I also enjoy visiting my sister and brother-in-law in Mexico and traveling to Antigua, Guatemala for the beautiful country and to learn the language.
Learning/Sharing/Caring- I enjoy learning new things and sharing them with others, especially when I learn new things about God and God’s kingdom here on earth. I’m a docent at the Frist Art Museum in Nashville and I find that artists challenge us to see our world through a different lens. I also am planning to get another dog for which I will be the sole care provider. I have been learning Spanish for 20 years and know that I will never be finished!
Outdoors- I love being outdoors whether playing golf, hiking, or walking. I enjoy sitting in my backyard watching beautiful sunsets year-round.

I don’t know as one “job” would have all these characteristics or at least not all the time, but these thoughts are starting to coalesce:
1. A new puppy will help me with my joy in being a caregiver and get me outdoors.
2. I may try to coordinate annual retreats with friends/pilgrims to places I enjoy: The Society of St. John the Evangelist in Cambridge, MA, and Antigua, Guatemala. I suspect that Santiago, Spain may also become a favorite. There will be a new Anglican Centre in Santiago, an ideal place to take weary pilgrims. Antigua and Santiago will help me in my desire to travel, learn more Spanish, as well as provide a place of contemplation and prayer.
3. I’d like to write another book, perhaps on my Camino experience or a novel based upon St. John’s Gospel. I’d like to use my blog for stories and photographs as well as posting prayers from prayer books. My posted prayer: “Healing Prayer for those Suffering from Addiction”, is the page that is most downloaded from my blog.
4. I want to volunteer for more tours at the Frist Art Museum where I learn about new exhibitions every 3-4 months and where it is exciting to see young people enjoy and make art in ArtQuest.

Thinking about my dream job has let me have the freedom to explore new frontiers, enhance old ones and to determine those activities in life that aren’t really that important.

What does your dream job look like?

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

Only five weeks left until I start my pilgrimage to walk the Camino de Santiago. In preparation, this week, I’m practicing an ancient tradition of praying with prayer beads. The subject of my praying this week is each of the twenty-two Pilgrims, by name, who will be on the walk with me, as well as the twelve pilgrims who will be traveling in a second group and seeing grant sites in the same areas of Spain. I’m also praying for Bishop Lozano (the Bishop of Spain) and Canon Spencer Reese, (the Canon to the Ordinary to Bishop Lozano) who will be joining us for portions of the trip.

I’ve gotten a number of Anglican prayer beads from Unspoken Elements, a company in Winter Springs, FL. I like their explanation of the history of the prayer beads as well as how many different ways they can be used for prayer with their 33 beads. Some people may repeat the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner), or others may use different prayers. This week I pray for 34 pilgrims (including me!) that each of our journeys is unique and that we are open to God’s work in our lives.

Here is information from the Resource Guide from Unspoken Elements:

Why Pray with Beads?

The simple act of using Anglican Prayer Beads can deepen and transform our devotions into a richer spiritual experience. Praying with beads provides a tactile way to slow down our busy lives, becoming more focused in the moment while meditating upon our prayers.

A rosary helps us take the time to notice what we are doing, feeling and thinking at the time we are actually doing, feeling, and thinking it by slowing down these processes bead by bead, or one prayer at a time. God is part of our everyday lives; paying attention to God and focusing on God’s kingdom is a fundamental practice of Christian mindfulness.

May you be blessed by the prayers of others and may your prayers in turn bless those that you name outloud.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

How often do I moan that I don’t have enough time?

This week as I prepare for my Camino walk, I’m reviewing a workshop I attended at The Society of St. John the Evangelist, an Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA.

It's time to...

Stop, Pray, Work, Play & Love

“So much of our stress and anxiety derives from our pollution of Time. God has given us the gift of time, and called it holy, yet we often experience time as a curse. Recapture time as a gift and discover how to experience the joy of the present moment.”— Br. Geoffrey Tristram

I remember a turning point in my life was sitting in a monastery chapel and hearing the opening verses of Psalm 62: “Only in God is my soul at rest. From Him comes my salvation.”

I realized how I was filling up time and exhausting myself through work. When had my life and the world gotten so far out of balance?

As I worked through the workbook in Lent 2015, I acknowledged that there is a cadence to life. It is a rhythm that needs to be constantly reset with a cycle of prayer and love. But first I have to stop the cycle of ceaseless and useless activity. The circle completes when I again feel God’s embrace as His beloved child, held tightly in His arms and bathed in His love.

Are you interested in having the cycle become your daily habit? You can download the workshop workbook here: WORKBOOK.

I’m going to develop a daily ritual starting each day with a refreshing STOP and then PRAY. And ending each day in LOVE.

I do have enough time to be fully present with God.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Donate to the Anglican Centre in Santiago here: https://unitedthankoffering.com/camino/. The most recent newsletter, Summer 2019 is here: https://www.anglicancentresantiago.org/news-along-the-way/.

I’ve spent time this week contemplating my list of 20 things I like to do from Monday’s blog post. David Brooks in The Second Mountain says that “happiness is good, but joy is better. Just as the second mountain is a fuller and richer phase of life after the first mountain, joy is a fuller and richer state beyond happiness…The more you are living a committed life well, the more joy will be your steady state, the frame of mind you carry around with you and shine on others.” David talks about four levels of joy: 1) physical, 2) collective effervescence, 3) emotional, and 4) spiritual.

I’m looking at my list again and I’m digging deeper. Do these activities bring me real joy or just the happiness of a goal accomplished or praise received? True joy is when a skin barrier between me and another person or entity fades away and we feel fused together. David reminds us: “We can create happiness, but we are seized by joy.” Brooks says for him, writing is joyful; he can feel his heart rate slow when he writes. I find the same thing happens with my “joy pursuits”, my heart rate slows and a sense of peace engulfs me.

My “joy” list, grouped into Brooks’ four level of joys:

Physical Joy: Walking/Exercise, Bicycling, Golf, Swimming

Collective Effervescence: Travel, Giving Docent Tours at the Frist Art Museum, Working with young people (post-college)

Emotional Joy: Symphony concerts, Plays and Broadway Musicals, Learning Spanish

Spiritual Joy: Praying, Worship, Episcopal Monastery Visits, Playing with my dog, Photography, Listening to music/concerts, Writing, Wine/Dinner with Friends, Reading

Each day is an opportunity for us to experience joy in our life. Some days joy is delivered to us, and on other days we have to be more intentional to recognize it among the mundane. But each 24 hours is a crucible for joy.

In the past 24 hours, I’ve had joy when Walking, Working with Young People, Praying, Listening to music, and Writing.

I wonder what the next 24 hours will bring for you and me? Will we choose to live it in joy, or will we settle for less?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

For my spiritual preparation this week for my October Camino Walk, I’m borrowing two questions from discernment processes: 1) which person in the Bible do I relate to the most, and 2) twenty things I like to do.

Will you join me in writing about your Bible Hero/Heroine and your 20 things you like to do?

The person I most relate to in the Bible is Abigail (1 Samuel 25:14-42).

Abigail was a woman of discretion, but she realized when a bad situation was about to get worse and that she would need to take action, even contradicting her husband. Grave danger loomed as 400 warriors were on the way determined to kill every male in the household of Nabal, Abigail’s husband.

Nabal had acted cruelly and insolently and it wasn’t the first time. Nabal was a rich man as far as material wealth, but he had no wealth of character. His name means “senseless” or “stupid” and he was known to be a bully and drunkard. He was widely feared and disliked. It is hard to imagine what Abigail saw in him. Maybe she felt the false security that money can bring, or maybe she thought she could change him. Maybe he had changed since their early dating days, but she had no option to divorce him.

He was known for bullying others and this time he insulted the wrong man, the future King David.

What do we know about Abigail? Her name means “My Father has made himself joyful” and we read of praise for her discretion as well as her beauty.

A young servant wouldn’t think of bringing the issue that they would all be destroyed to Nabal, and instead turned to Abigail for help. Abigail listened, and acted quickly. She prepared a generous gift for David and his men of bread, wine, sheep, roasted grain, cakes of raisins, and cakes of figs. She sent the provisions ahead with some servants and then followed alone. She hid this information from her husband, Nabal.

She met David and took responsibility for the problem, realistically acknowledging that her husband was senseless, but asking David to forgive her personally. She begged David not to take an action that would later cause him a troubled conscience.

Abigail returned to Nabal to tell him of the gifts she had given David and his men and to assure him that the danger had been averted. But she couldn’t tell him now: he was drunk.

She waited until the next day when he had sobered up hoping that he wouldn’t explode in fury or even violence. Instead we learn that Nabal had been struck in the night and his heart was like a stone.

With Nabal’s death, Abigail had been relieved of her burden of being Nabal’s wife!

When David learned of Nabal’s death, he sent word to Abigail with an invitation of marriage.

Abigail helped and supported David along life’s road, and she learned of a husband who valued her and protected her, even rescuing her from a kidnapper. (1 Samuel 30:1-19)

I relate to the story of Abigail as I have chosen unwisely in love, looking for material security instead of a life-time partner focused on the Lord. I’ve had to make tough choices of marital disobedience, feeling disloyal but knowing it was the right things to do. I also feel blessed as Abigail has to understand what it is like to have friends who are focused on Jesus and value relationships rather than destroying them with addictions.

For the twenty things I like to do, these are in no particular order, but only as they came to mind as I asked myself, “When I have joy or feel happy, what am I doing?”

Praying
Reading
Golf
Swimming
Photography
Travel
Wine/Dinner with friends
Writing
Walking/Exercise
Bicycling
Giving Docent Tours at the Frist Art Museum
Learning Spanish
Working with young people, post-college
Worship
Playing with my dog (I had to put my last dog to sleep in July. My first time being dogless in 25 years. I am planning to remedy that with another dog in the future).
Playing piano
Symphony concerts
Plays and Broadway Musicals
Listening to music/concerts
Visiting the Episcopal Monastery in Cambridge, MA: The Society of Saint John the Evangelist

I have a lot to be thankful for as a lot of God’s world makes me joyful!

I pray that my Camino will add to my joy through rest, walking in the footsteps of pilgrims since 1092, and the anticipation of meeting others who share God’s love.

I’ll also be walking to raise money through the United Thank Offering (UTO) for an Anglican Centre to be opened in Santiago. It will be a place of rest, a place of worship where even women can celebrate, and a place where all baptized Christians can participate in Communion. A grant will match donations received through December 2019. More information at this link: https://unitedthankoffering.com/camino/. The most recent newsletter, Summer 2019 is here: https://www.anglicancentresantiago.org/news-along-the-way/.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I’ll be in Spain in October to walk the Camino de Santiago for the first time. It has been a desire of mine for a long time since growing up Catholic and now as an Episcopalian. I’m fortunate to be traveling with the UTO Pilgrims and the Episcopal Diocese of Northern Indiana. The Bishop of Spain will be joining us for part of the journey, and we’ll get to explore Madrid and Santiago.

I’ve just been released to full physical activity post my hip replacement, so I’m “in training” to build up my endurance to walk the 11-18 miles/day that will make up the Camino. In addition to physical training, I’m also doing weekly “spiritual exercises” to make sure that I am mentally ready and spiritually open to the Walk.

This week, I’ve undertaken to write a spiritual biography. This is a small excerpt below, but I hope that you will also take the time this week to focus on your spiritual journey to help discern where you have been and where you are today.

The long version of my spiritual biography through 2012 is chronicled in my memoir, Chasing My Father. A lot has happened in the past 7 years in my relationship with God and with others.

I no longer ever get angry with God. I know that I am His beloved child and that He only wants what is the best for me, no matter what I want. It is a good relationship when I’m not mad at Him for the challenges we face in today’s world.

My cancer has not returned after the two episodes outlined in my book. I was unaware how physical maladies can influence our relationship with God. But my cancer in 2006 changed me forever. I don’t take days for granted and I have a greater empathy for people’s challenges even when they aren’t physically obvious.

I haven’t been back to South Africa since 2013, not for lack of interest, but I have not had an opportunity to go on another trip. I enjoyed a trip to Greece and Turkey in 2014 with my church but it was more about the fellowship than a mission trip. But fellowship is so important! I realize that my relationship with God informs my relationships with others.

I’ve learned a lot about who to trust and who not to trust. The Porch Club has ceased to exist after a falling out between two of the members. Relationships are tenuous and don’t always last forever. I’ve learned a lot about narcissism. It has been hard for me to accept that not all people that go to church are good people, and not all good people go to church.

I’ve learned that as humans we all have a desire to be loved and some of us find destructive ways to fulfill that need. But finding people who can be representatives of Christ to you and nurturing those relationships is the greatest joy. Just as I have felt loved, I need to always remember to try to be the best “light of Christ” that I can be to others.

What has been most enlightening in my faith is my role as a lay healing minister. It is such a privilege to pray for people that are so brave to come forward in their vulnerability to ask for prayers. It is what it means to be a servant to others.

I’ve also learned that you never stop growing in your spiritual life. It is not a place to “get to”, but instead a mystery that continues to unfold, often when we least expect it. It is the excitement of the mystery that awakens me each morning!

I pray that my Camino will add to this spiritual biography through rest, walking in the footsteps of pilgrims since 1092, and the joy in meeting others who share God’s love.

I’ll also be walking to raise money through the United Thank Offering (UTO) for an Anglican Centre to be opened in Santiago. It will be a place of rest, a place of worship where even women can celebrate, and a place where all baptized Christians can participate in Communion. A grant will match donations received through December 2019. More information at this link: https://unitedthankoffering.com/camino/. The most recent newsletter is here: El Camino Summer 2019 Newsletter.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Kos Island, Greece, 2014

I’ve always been a “Sunday fan” mostly starting the day with a church service and reserving the day for “fun things” and spending time with friends. One of my joys is art, and I lead docent tours at the Frist Art Museum in Nashville on the 3rd Sunday of each month. It’s a time to be together with other art lovers and just enjoy the art.

In her Friday morning homily, the Rev. Margery Kennelly had an insightful explanation as to why I like the Sabbath so much and it all starts in Genesis. Here we hear the Creation Story where God recounts what those first seven days were like.

On the first day, God separated the light from darkness. “And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.”

On the second day, God made the Sky and separated it from the waters. “And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.”

On the third day, God brought forth vegetation with trees and plants. “And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.”

On the fourth day, God created the Sun, Moon and stars to separate the light from the darkness. “And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.”

On the fifth day, God created the sea creatures and everything that moves. “And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.”

On the sixth day, God made wild animals, cattle and everything that creeps on the ground. He declared everything He had made as “good.” Also on the sixth day, God made humankind and declared it, “very good.” “And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.”

But on the seventh day, (Genesis 2:1-2): “Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.”

Margery reminded us that the Sabbath is different from the other days of the week. The first six days have a morning and evening and each time has a beginning and an end.

But not the seventh day. God declared it a “holy day”, a day of rest, and a day that never ends. In this way, God shows us what the kingdom is like---with an eternal life with Him that never ends.

Sunday, my Sabbath day, will remain as my favorite day of the week. I hope that you will take advantage of this day of rest and experience God’s undying love that started for you with the beginning of time.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Juney Whank Falls, Great Smoky Mountains

I asked God for strength that I might achieve,
I was made weak that I might learn to humbly obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy,
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life,
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for — but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men most richly blessed.

-Included in the Oxford Book of Prayer (1985) #395

Society of St. John the Evangelist, Cambridge MA, 2015

“Not only is every call unique, but the hearing of every call is unique also. One sign that God may be calling is a certain restlessness, a certain dissatisfaction with things as they are. Other signs of God’s call may be a sense of longing, yearning, or wondering; a feeling of being at a crossroads; a sense that something is happening in one’s life, that one is wrestling with an issue or decision; a sense of being in a time of transition; or a series of circumstances that draw one into a specific issue.” – Listening Hearts: Discerning Call in Community (Farnham SG, Gill JP, McLean RT and Ward SM, 2011, pg 10).

As I get closer to retirement, I am experiencing that restlessness that comes with knowing that one chapter is about to close and another about to begin. I would like to be able to confidently shut a door behind me, knowing that there is another door waiting to be opened that shines a bright light through me to others.

As a member of the Episcopal faith, I’ve been involved in Discernment Committees for clergy, vocational deacons and international missionaries, but I wonder if there isn’t a need for a similar process for lay people, particularly those who are heading toward retirement.

A Discernment Committee who would listen intently to hopes and desires, but also help to assess where we are truly called to serve as we transition from a life consumed with work and raising children. It is far too easy to let “time fill-up” with random activities when we are grasping at something to make us feel important or to fill up the social void that retirement often brings.

I have friends that are living life to the fullest as retirees, and others who are just getting by with worries and anxieties that lead to a deep depression. I wonder if one of the differences between the two extremes is whether we’ve discerned our new calling for retirement, or if we have just given up our work status and slid into a new life, hoping that something will present itself that makes us feel fulfilled.

“Yet God not only calls but empowers-although the power may come only as we respond. Conversely, if we don’t respond to God’s call, we may cut ourselves off from the Lord’s strength and become increasingly blind and deaf to God’s promptings. To ignore or resist a call may ‘fracture us further, widening the split between what we subscribe to inwardly and what we do outwardly.’” (Listening Hearts- pg 13-14).

I want to feel God’s power in my retirement, just like the apostles did when they were sent out two by two (Mark 6:7).

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Flower, Puerto Rico, 2019

We often go throughout our days harboring grievances or playing the victim when things don’t turn out the way we want. We spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative, often looking for reasons to be sad or depressed. I’ve read of people who respond to obituaries posted on Facebook with overwhelming grief, even when it is not people that they know, or even a “friend of a friend!”. Why do we search for things to make us depressed?

Perhaps it is the human condition that started with the Fall and Adam and Eve. They hid their nakedness in shame even when they didn’t know why they were ashamed! Now we continue to dwell on their transgressions for centuries never giving up the nagging grief that we failed.

In yesterday’s Gospel reading from Luke 10:17-20, we read a very different story. Jesus has just appointed seventy to go out in pairs to be lights to the rest of the world. Rather than complain about having no possessions, a home, or even two pair of sandals, instead they return to the Lord energized—the demons of the world have submitted to them!!

Jesus reinforces their joy by repeating that He has given them His authority and that they do have power over their enemies.

How could we ever be discouraged, when our birthright is to have command over our enemies?

But Jesus also reminds us we should not flaunt our powers, but instead find rest that our names are already engraved in heaven.

When was the last time you returned to Jesus with joy?

Luke 10:17-20

The seventy returned with joy, saying, ‘Lord, in your name even the demons submit to us!’ He said to them, ‘I watched Satan fall from heaven like a flash of lightning. See, I have given you authority to tread on snakes and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing will hurt you. Nevertheless, do not rejoice at this, that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.’

I ask again, when was the last time you returned to Jesus with joy?

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

Compostela de Santiago Catedral, Spain

A group of friends were sharing stories about recent travel adventures. I’m looking forward to walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain in October and it was exciting to hear from them about the new places they visited.

One theme came through strongly: we travel because we want to learn.

We want to learn about different cultures and landscapes, as well as how the lifestyles of people in other places are unique. If we listen, we may find a new way of living life, or at least bring a part of our adventure home with a memory to share.

But it is only when we listen more than talk, that we actually learn. This doesn’t apply to just travel but in our daily lives as well. If we are convinced that we know everything and are not curious about what we don’t know, we cease to exist. Life is about learning and growing into the person that God intended us to be.

Jesus is the Messiah, but He was also recognized as a great teacher. Of the 90 times that Jesus is recognized in the Gospels, he is addressed as “teacher” in 60 of them. When Nicodemus came to Jesus by night, he said, “We know that you are a teacher who has come from God” (John 3:2).

I want to never stop learning. I want to learn more about God. I want to learn more about others through travel and conversation. I want to learn more Spanish. I want to learn how to be a better swimmer. I want to learn how to play better golf. I want to learn more about art. I want to learn how to see Jesus more clearly in others.

When we stop learning, we die.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

It was my rescheduled annual GYN visit with a new doctor. I’d picked this doctor as part of a new group that uses the same Healthcare portal as some of my other doctors. I figured it would be easier to keep track of my health history if it was all in one place.

My initial visit was rescheduled due to an emergency C-section, which happens. For this visit, I was scheduled at 1:40PM but didn’t see the doctor until 4PM. No warning when I checked in that the doctor was 2 hours and 20 minutes behind by 1:40PM that day.

Eric Topol in his recent book, DEEP MEDICINE, says that on average, new patients get 12 minutes with the doctor and 7 minutes on a return visit. We didn’t spend a lot time on my health history as this was an annual visit, and all my information was already in her computer. But we did spend more than 12 minutes on the rest of my questions:

How did you get behind by 2 hours and 40 minutes for a 1:40PM appointment?
How many patients were you scheduled to see today? (23 patients)
How does it make you feel when you get this far behind and have to apologize over and over to a new patient?
How come I didn’t get a text from the HealthPortal telling me that you were this far behind? If your Healthportal were Amazon, I would have gotten frequent updates saying that my “package delivery was delayed” with a new anticipated date and time.
Of the 480 minutes in a scheduled day (8 hours), with 23 patients, that comes out to 20 minutes per patient. How much of that time do you think you spend on the computer, reviewing records before you see me, and then typing in notes after I’m seen? Is 8 more minutes adequate enough for most new patients?
You ordered two tests and the results will be back in 2-3 days. I understand with the holiday, that the second one isn’t back yet, but your Healthportal should have alerted me about when I should receive the 2nd result (like Amazon). I assume that you have to review the tests before they are entered into my Healthcare Portal. How much time is allotted for you to review my test results, authorize they be added to the portal, or make sure someone calls me if the results need to be communicated directly to me?

No wonder doctors can’t stay on schedule with patients asking so many questions!

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Deep Medicine: How Artificial Intelligence Can Make Healthcare Human Again

Last week I wrote about the perils of my new on-line patient medical record portals. I have 9 doctors I see at least every year with many different computer systems. Each system has a different website and password, and each system requires the same data that must be accurate so my doctors can diagnose and treat me correctly.

This week I had a different experience with Healthcare IT. The information about me was correct, but the systems caused a lot of wasted time with no benefit.

I switched my GYN doctor this year as my other doctor had moved her practice. My new GYN was in a medical office building closer to me so that I could make an appointment over my lunch hour.

I had already confirmed via a text message reminder the previous week that I would keep my appointment on Monday at 1:30PM.

When I arrived 10 minutes before my appointment time, the receptionist looked up my record and said, “Dr. XXX had an emergency C-section and has to reschedule.” I said, “Ok. I understand,” but then she said, “We left a message on your home phone early this morning.”

“Hmm,” I replied, “I left the house at 6:30AM to go to work where I’ve been all day.”

“We left a message on your mobile phone, too.”

“Really?” I had already taken out my phone to get to my calendar to reschedule the appointment. “I don’t see that anyone left a message on my mobile phone. In fact, I don’t see that anyone even tried to call me; there are no missed calls from this number to my mobile phone.”

“Well, it says in the note in your profile that we left a message.”

With that, I rescheduled for two weeks later and returned to work, losing about an hour out of my workday.

When I got home later that evening, I did have a message on my home phone which I rarely check, and never give out as my preferred number. The timestamp said that they called at “11:08AM” with a cheery message that I would have to reschedule.

As I was looking at text messages on my phone at the end of the day, I saw two computerized text messages that were sent and received at 11:20AM that morning. “Thank you for scheduling your appointment today with Dr. XXX. We look forward to seeing you at 1:30PM today”.

I guess the computer didn’t get the message that the Doctor was in an emergency C-section.

Wasted time? I had to confirm my appointment one week in advance via text. I got one text reminder the day before the appointment reminding me of the appointment. I had a voice message on my home phone after I had gone to work (but no message attempts on my mobile phone or my office phone or a bonafide attempt to actually talk with me). I had to read two text messages reminding me of the upcoming appointment for that afternoon that the office staff knew would never occur and had to be rescheduled.

Years ago I would call to make a doctor’s appointment and that was it. I wrote it down, they wrote it down, I showed up and the doctor showed up. No need for text confirmations, a one-week reminder as well as two computerized reminders for an appointment that was already cancelled.

Instead of working so hard to remind me, maybe they should work as hard to remind their computer.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

In discussing Facebook and the unintended consequence of the power of so much data, Bret Stephens writes in the May 4, 2019 New York Times: “The deeper problem is the overwhelming concentration of technical, financial and moral power in the hands of people who lack the training, experience, wisdom, trustworthiness, humility and incentives to exercise that power responsibly.”

I’ve become more attuned to the dangers of providing an unlimited amount of personal information on social media, keenly aware that I have no idea what others are doing with it and even more aware that I can never retrieve it. The information no longer belongs to me; it has a life of its own that I can never fully erase.

This is true of social media but also of other data repositories. Since my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment in 2006, I now have multiple “health portals” from all my doctors (seven with annual visits and two orthopedic surgeons). Very few of these portals share information, necessitating that I am still the “go-between” for my doctors to all communicate with each other. It may be as simple as not repeating blood work that I just had a few weeks before at another doctor’s office, or more devastating discoveries when the information entered in my electronic records is just plain wrong.

Since the proliferation of electronic health records:

My dentist had me listed as HIV-positive, when I’ve never had bloodwork drawn at her office, and recent pre-surgery bloodwork shows that I am not HIV-positive.
My primary care physician had me listed as “African-American” which I am not (I am white). The receptionist was quick to point out that the mistake was probably made because “African-American” is the first in the list of dropdown choices in their new computer system.
One of my orthopedic surgeons had listed that they counseled me on my weight, encouraging me to exercise more because my BMI was in the “overweight category”. Upon my review, I found out that they had typed in a height of 5’2” instead of 5’6”. Since BMI is a calculated field, it showed me as overweight when in actuality my BMI of 23.9 lists me as “normal weight”. When I asked to have it corrected, they added a note at the bottom of the record, but couldn’t correct my original height because “the computer wouldn’t let them change information after it is signed.”
A few weeks ago, I received a form letter from the institution that does my breast imaging studies and mammograms. It said, “the date of your last breast imaging study was April 25, 2018. This is just a reminder that it will soon be time for your annual mammogram. Please contact central scheduling to schedule your screening mammogram.” What is wrong with a friendly reminder like that? Well, I already had a mammogram in October 2018 and have my next annual one scheduled for October 2019 at the same institution where I have my Breast MRI. And because of my cancer history, I don’t have a screening mammogram, I have a diagnostic mammogram which requires a doctor’s order and can’t be self-scheduled. Why wouldn’t one institution’s computer system know all this information and make the connection rather than sending me a form reminder letter full of incorrect information?
When I called to make a routine appointment recently, another doctor’s office said, “Are you a new patient? We don’t have any record that you’ve been seen in this practice before.” Well, I’ve only been coming to this doctor for 13 years for an annual checkup. I always spell my name when I introduce myself on the call, “NOLEN”. “Oh,” she said, “I must have misspelled it as NOLAN. There you are.” I wonder if I do have profiles in some computer systems both under NOLEN and NOLAN.

Maybe, NOLAN is the African-American who is HIV-positive, 5’2” and slightly overweight who needs to schedule a screening mammogram because she is over 40.

Beware of data in the “hands of people who lack the training, experience, wisdom, trustworthiness, humility and incentives to exercise that power responsibly.”

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

NYT, #healthcareIT

"Disciples Healing the Sick" Henry Ossawa Tanner (c.1930)

Yesterday was Palm Sunday and we recalled Jesus’ last week on Earth. There’s always a lot of action and intrigue in the story with betrayal, denial, torture and death. We spend Holy Week remembering the power that Jesus had in turning water into wine, healing the sick, casting out demons, and giving people hope. On Easter, we rejoice when Jesus conquers even death.

I’ve started working on my next book. In preparation, I started reading the Bible this year in chronological order. As I’m making this journey, I’m noting the examples where God has used ordinary people to heal others and perform miracles beyond human imaginations. One of the earliest stories is in Exodus (9:33) when Moses spreads out his hands toward the Lord and the thunder, hail, and rain stop.

I’ve been a church-goer all my life, showing up on Sundays and volunteering my time, treasure, and talent in each church I’ve attended. I’d read the miracle stories of Jesus many times but didn’t start really believing them until I joined an Episcopal Church 11 years ago. The worship service and preaching reinforced God’s power in my life and comforted me through breast cancer treatment and a second failed marriage.

A few years ago during Holy Week, I started thinking about how the early disciples felt after Jesus’ death. Perhaps abandonment and a sense of loss? They tried to go back to the “before” when they were just fishermen and tax collectors. But at Pentecost, they realized that they had the power to heal, cast out demons, and preach of God’s love for us through Jesus.

Just like the first disciples, we have the power to heal, too.

We may not be able to raise people from the dead like Jesus did, or turn water into wine, but we do have the power, right now, to heal others through our relationships.

We have the power to forgive those who have wronged us
We have the power to not hold grudges
We have the power to not cheat people in business
We have the power to not lie in our personal relationships
We have the power to guard a neighbor’s goods and spouse, not trying to take them away, but enhancing their relationships as good neighbors
We have the power to encourage and support our co-workers
We have the power to care for God’s creation of the earth and His children
We have the power to demonstrate to our children what a compassionate human being looks like in their actions, their words, and their deeds

Throughout Holy Week and the rest of the year, I’m thinking about the power I already have and how I need to start using it. That power comes directly from Jesus, but as His follower, I am commanded to use it to further God’s kingdom.

You already have the power to heal. How are you going to use it?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

David Brooks talks about second-mountain people; I hope I'm one.

In my doctoral program I studied U.S. Health Policy and the concept of unintended consequences. Whether in government or life, we can’t anticipate every possible issue that will arise with a change. Some things are minor and easily solved; others are major derailments that may stop a plan entirely. In some cases the unintended consequences have the opposite effect in polarizing everyone against a government initiative.

As I see God’s children maligned, persecuted or in any way mistreated, rather than convince me to join in the ridicule, I find myself trying to help.

How do I react when I hear of the plight of immigrants from Central America? I taught ESL last Summer at Conexión Américas, and donated money to an organization that does medical work in Central America.

How do I react when people are killed in two mosques in New Zealand? I reach out to my local library to learn more on people and their religions hoping to start a dialogue with a stranger.

How do I react when I hear of underprivileged children not having an opportunity to get an education? I give money to elementary schools and my university alma mater to fund scholarships.

The more God’s people are persecuted and denied dignity, the harder I will love them.

Unintended consequences? Not really. Just part of God’s plan to open my eyes to where my time, talents and treasures truly belong.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

My family was first generation immigrants from Poland and Ireland with my grandparents all coming through Ellis Island to the New World. Although I didn’t feel it, my parents often reminded me how their parents were discriminated against in the early 20th century and how they had banded together in small ethnic pockets in upstate New York even practicing their religion at a “Polish Catholic Church”.

I moved in 9th grade about 20 miles away to a bigger town and never felt discriminated against by my new friends. Being in a college town, there were many “strangers” from the faculty that came to teach and the wide variety of students that were attracted to a top-notch State University in Geneseo, NY.

When it came time for college, I took a turn the summer after graduation and knew I wanted to be a pharmacist. Instead of going to my intended school (St. Bonaventure), I decided to work as a pharmacy clerk and attend SUNY@Geneseo where I was a chemistry major for two years with the intent of transferring to SUNY@Buffalo, the state school that had a pharmacy program.

When the rejection letter came from SUNY@Buffalo, I wasn’t totally shocked. I’d had a mediocre freshman year in an accelerated 3-year baccalaureate program and had not realized that SUNY@Buffalo had changed their pre-requisites to prepare to offer a Pharm.D. program. My GPA met the minimum but could have been better. And I lacked one class in anatomy that was a prerequisite in the new curriculum. There was some good news: they had agreed to take me in “University College” where I could make up my deficiencies and then potentially be a shoe-in for entrance into pharmacy school a year later.

My mother was disturbed at the rejection letter and the possibility that I would need to go out-of-state if I wanted to start my pharmacy schooling that fall. So, she did what she felt was best: she called our State Legislator to complain that our family had paid taxes for over 50 years in the State of New York and she wanted him to place a call to SUNY@Buffalo admissions to get me admitted to the pharmacy school.

I was appalled when she told me what she had done. If I didn’t meet the requirements, I didn’t want to go.

As God’s perfect plan unfolded, I don’t know if the call was never placed or ignored, but I didn’t get into SUNY@Buffalo with political intervention. Instead I was recruited by out-of-state schools that turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened.

I was recruited by the University of Oklahoma for pharmacy school and they were holding tryouts for a new Women’s Varsity Golf Team (under Title IX).

So, being not-so-privileged has its advantages when we are called to follow God’s plan instead of our own.

I made life-long friends at the University of Oklahoma.
I got to play Women’s Varsity Golf and was named Most Improved Player my last year.
I’ve had an incredible career in pharmacy in Oklahoma, Texas and now in Tennessee.

And moving from New York to Oklahoma brought a diversity to my life I would have never known if I had spent all my time in New York. I learned to talk slower, to trust people a little more, and to honor the value of diversity, especially honoring the Native American population.

I’m thankful that my Mom, even with the best of intentions, couldn’t get me into SUNY@Buffalo Pharmacy School.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

I don’t buy much furniture, but every 2-3 years I decide I need to update something. This time it is the sofa and chair in my family room.

I looked on-line at the Haverty’s website to help narrow down my choices and I found a few collections that looked like the right size (oversized chair and a sofa that I can nap in).

I took out the business card of the lady who sold me a cocktail table and end table 3 years ago and typed out an email telling her what I needed and asking when she would be working. She was extremely helpful 3 years ago not pushing me to look at items I wasn’t interested in, but giving enough guidance that I’ve been extremely pleased with my purchases. She’d followed up with a phone call a few weeks after delivery to make sure I was still delighted.

I wasn’t surprised at all when I got the return email indicating she’d be working all day Monday and invited me to stop by.

I was sure she wouldn’t remember me, but I introduced myself, produced her business card and told her how helpful she had been and how pleased I was with my purchase from 2016.

She was amazed that I had kept her card for 3 years and asked for her by name. I guess nowadays people buy furniture on the internet or comparison shop to get the best buy.

Being raised in a small town in Upstate New York, I knew everyone personally. The doctors and pharmacists, jewelers, subway shop owner, and the watering hole proprietors. I still had the funeral home directors’ name in my cardfile when my Dad passed away in 1980 and my Mom in 1990 in Oklahoma. I’d known Russ as a little kid, and knew exactly who to call when the time came and I needed him.

Maybe it’s because I’m a small town girl, or I enjoy meeting people, but I’m glad to reconnect with someone from a few years ago even if our paths only cross every 2-3 years.

I was amazed that she was so amazed that I had remembered.

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

In 2007, I started traveling internationally and got back into photography. I wanted to capture some of the best memories as I met new people. I learned that if I have my camera out, around my neck, strangers naturally want to strike up a conversation:

Are you a professional photographer?
What do you shoot (as in kind of camera)?
What do you take photos of (as in landscapes, people)?

Some are amateur photographers like me, and we compare notes on what type of camera we use, some of our best photos and our favorite lens.

You don’t have these conversations when your camera is just your phone.

In traveling to Puerto Rico, I inadvertently hit upon another conversation starter: a hat. I haven’t worn a hat (except when golfing) since I was a little girl attending Catholic mass when a head-covering was required for admission. But on this trip, I wore a hat on the plane.

As I was getting on the plane, people remarked on my hat. Was the insignia from the American Legion? Was it from a previous PGA tournament? And again, as I was waiting for luggage at baggage claim, “I recognize you from your hat on the plane. Have you been to Puerto Rico before? Are you here on business or pleasure?”

I enjoyed even a short conversation with someone I didn’t know.

I always travel with my camera, but now I’ll be wearing a hat, too. No telling who I might meet.

Blessings,
Agatha

Kos Island Asclepius Temple, Greece, 2014

“Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem. The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.”

These words open the first chapter of Richard Foster’s, “Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth.”

If was first written in 1980.

So, our need and longing for deep relationship hasn’t changed in 2000 years; we are always looking for the magical thing or person that causes us to go deep within ourselves and still come out whole.

For 2019, I’d add another dimension that underpins our superficiality: busyness. Because of our busyness we don’t feel like we have the time to devote to nurturing a relationship and the moment we hit a bump, it is easier to bail than to make our relationships our number one focus. As long as we have a “to do” list that never ends with unimportant tasks, we always have one more thing to accomplish, exhausting us every day.

What if our sole purpose in life was to be in deep relationships with others, helping others explore to find their true self?

How would this change your life today, if traveling on this journey with others were your focus?

Blessings, my friend,
Agatha

Percy Warner Park, Nashville, TN

You are intended to be a blessing to God and to all that God has created. Be generous with the light that teems from your eyes; be generous with your words and actions in this flow of God’s blessing to God and to others.

To listen to the podcast (13:52) from the Brothers of The Society of St. John the Evangelist (SSJE) Monastery in Cambridge, MA: https://www.ssje.org/4.audio/12days/day12.mp3

Blessings, my friend
Agatha

Separation Wall, Kando Store #7, Israel, 2011

This offer and promise of Christ’s peace is here for the having. Receive it. Take it in as regularly and necessarily as you breathe. Breathe out fear; breathe in peace. Breathe out anger; breathe in peace. Breathe out sadness; breathe in peace.

To listen to the podcast (12:44) from the Brothers of The Society of St. John the Evangelist (SSJE) Monastery in Cambridge, MA: https://www.ssje.org/4.audio/12days/day11.mp3

Blessings, my friend
Agatha