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Welcome to the show. It's Monday and this is going out on Mint Wave Radio. You can go to the website or just ask Alexa for mint wave, or if this is via podcast, you can download the app for Apple and our Android and please subscribe to any that take your fancy. So kara's coaching.com. Mint wave, sorry slash mint wave hph.

Radio now today's episode is 142, and today we have Ani sk, a licensed therapist, life and Wellness coach. So I'm your host. I'm Karen Roberts. We just provide a platform for coaches to get their message heard to those who need it. Now today we're gonna be talking about a couple of things actually, sleep worries.

Why our mine starts racing. The minutes our head hits the pillow and what we can do about it if that's ever happened to you. Ah-huh. And also putting our inner mean girl in her place, how to get past the self-doubts and self-criticism. It keeps us from fully loving ourselves. So Annie, welcome to the show.

Yeah, it's great to be here, Karen.

So Annie is, she's a mom of six, can you believe that? A mum of six. She's a licensed therapist who understands the challenges of being a woman in today's world. She's also a life and wellness coach, and she's just on a mission to help mums escape the do it all mentality and find their way back.

To themselves through the Mums without Capes movement. Great name. Is empowering women to slow down, recognize their worth, and break through limiting beliefs so that they can find their power and become the best versions of themselves. So Ani, first of all, I'm gonna presume this is through experience with six kids, right?

Yes. If you could share with the audience a little bit about your backstory, how you came to be doing what you're doing now.

Sure. I, my kids are 20, my oldest two are adults, so 23 and 19. We've been married for 24 years Same partner. And then we've got two twin year twins, 16 year olds, and one of the, part of the twins is our only.

And so all the rest are girls. Oh. And then we also have a 13 year old and a nine year old. You gotta watch, she just had a birthday a few weeks ago. So nine year old is our youngest and little tearful, our nine year old, every year I'm like, oh, she's our baby. Which she's struggling right now with being the youngest, but that's all.

Yes. So for a long time, I would say for the first 10 years of. Wearing my mom hat. I had tremendous guilt. Let's just go with the guilt. There was a lot of other feelings that came up as well. But being able to, I've, I completely lost myself. I lost myself with my mom hat, ient. I over-identified with my role as a mom and as by doing that, I lost everything else I lost.

And with that came a lot of the guilt, a lot of the shame of you. When the overwhelm hits, I felt like I could not step away. I felt that I had all of these unrealistic expectations swirling around in my mind, and it kept me in this perpetual emotion of having to do more. Because I felt like I had to do more in order to be this good mom that I had in my mind.

And at that point, I was homeschooling, I was running a business with my husband. I was leading Girl Scouts, and then I was involved in our community. I was doing a lot of things to the point, like everyone was like, how do you do everything you do? And I'm like, I just do this is part of motherhood.

Like what? I didn't see anything different. Like I didn't see anything wrong with it. But inside I was continually, I was constantly stressed constantly in this feeling of not doing enough and feeling that stretch thin, like feeling, like just I was pulled in so many different directions, but I felt like this was just a season of life.

But the thing is I continued you. Right now I still have another 10 years of until my kid gets 18. And I'm like, this ha there has to be another way because for me, like wearing that mom hat got stretched out so thin. Cause we had kids every three or four years. So I'm like 30 years into ha to be in this on, you're always a mom. You're always a mom. But Actively, like in the trenches. It's a long time and I'm like, I need to figure out something because I can't go on. I can't, this isn't something that is sustainable, what I was doing. And so I'd say it was around the 10 or 11 year mark that I started diving into personal development and.

Realizing what it was that was keeping me in this supermom mode in my, like holding my cape tight and I started doing things for me. So I started engaging in self-care. It started with a Zumba class and I really wanted to go to the Zumba class, but I couldn't figure out how to do that in order to get all the stars lined up.

Per se, like how to get, make sure like everything was done at home, everything was clean, everything's I struggled with a lot of perfectionism. Make sure all the lessons were done, make sure all the laundry was done. How do I get everything done so that I can go to the Zoom? But, and I say it was this one magical night where I was able to, everything seemed like it was good.

And I was able to go just by doing that, by pushing through, like going. I, the positive reinforcement that I got, the fun and the joy, and realizing that the world didn't fall apart when I stepped away was enough to realize I can do this again. I can do this again. And then I started structuring my life and going through especially the mind piece to be able to repeat and continue and start doing more.

That filled my soul because for so long, yes, motherhood is purposeful, but it wasn't my total purpose. I felt like at that point, like I real started realizing like I was meant for war. I'm not just a mom. I, cause I was a stay-at-home mom as well. So that was a lot of things going on. So then let's fast forward.

So I, then I became, because I was. Let's say a super mom, like I, I always was putting things, I was very active. I quickly became a Zumba instructor, right? Hey, I was leading, we had moved across the country at that point, and I took on some board positions. I, at my kids, went back to school, we still owned the business.

It was like a lot of things were still going on. And I was like, this still feels overwhelming. So it was an intentional, that slowing down piece and realizing like a lot of what I was doing was people, pleas. So that came into play. The people pleasing the perfectionism, the still those unrealistic expectations that I was holding myself to the double standards, like what, how I defined good mom.

It took me a few, start working through those things. And start separating myself, my identity from that mother, right? So I, of course, I still identify as a mom. I always will, but I was more than that. And so 2017, I decided to go get my go, get licensed as a therapist. I started getting the itch, like I've gotta do something bigger.

At that point, I was teaching young girls dance and I was also doing Zoom, but I was like, I wanna do a studio. I was teaching kickboxing all stuff I wanna open a studio, I wanna do something. And my husband's like, why don't you go do something that you actually went to school for? Because I got my master's back in 2003.

So at that point I was like, all right, I will get licensed as a therapist. And I did that and I also got certified as a health. Around the same time. And then in 2019 I was like, I'm gonna start my own business. I had accumulate, like we had to get 3000 hours to get licensed here in the states or in Montana and.

This is like a long story. Sorry

Karen. No, it's great. This is it. It's about hearing the story.

So then in 2019 I was like, all right, I'm done working for this agency. I had gotten my license taken, the national counselor exam, all of that, and. But I was like, what do I want to do? So originally when I first decided to start my business, and it was just one business at that point I was like coaching and counseling.

I hired a business coach and I decided to Focus. They were like, no, you gotta choose a niche and all of that. And I was like I had lost a lot of weight at that point. I'm like, let me do weight loss, like I'll do weight loss for women. And I zeroed in on that. But then I started gaining weight and I was like, it was worse than imposter syndrome.

Cause I was like, what is going on? And it was that whole work life balance, like running a business, like how was I gonna do this? And I was. Started just doing some more kind of soul searching. And I was like, what It was I'm like, was me? I'm like, I really worked on taking off my supermom cape. I really worked on like the people pleasing and like all of the things that were keeping me from being able to prioritize myself.

And that was when moms that case was born because I was like, this is where I wanna be. Like you mentioned, like I have the experience of motherhood, like navigating motherhood, even though I still have no idea what I'm doing, but I was able

to any of us.

Exactly. So I'm like, I have that. I'm like, I have this experience of, I have the mental health piece.

All of the thing, the cognitive therapy, the cognitive behavioral tools and strategies, because that's where I lean in on my counseling. So I'm like, I have what we're gonna talk about today, like the inner mean girl. The sleep varies. Like I know how to challenge those thoughts that come up. So I have that mindset piece, but then I also.

This like desire, this, the passion to help other moms and to help other moms who are stuck in thinking they have to do all the things in order to be a good mom. In order to be the amazing mom that I already know, that we are, that they stop themselves from prioritizing themselves. They stop themselves from stepping into their potential.

Because of all of these feelings and these self doubts that we have. So I'm like, let me take all of this and create a program or create a movement, let's just say that, to where to help moms recognize their own worth and recognize that they are worthy of prioritizing and worthy of focusing on instead of every not instead of, but in addition to all of the other things that we have going.

Love. So there you go. There you go. That's where I am. And

I didn't know that about the fitness and the weight loss and you know what? That is so similar to my story. I come from the fitness world. Okay. I had my own fitness studio for eight years in the air. A I was just launching. I'd gone and retrained.

Studying the ketogenic diet for health autophagy and fasting for health. I was just thought I was just launching running, oh, live events. I'm a people person. Okay. So running live events and then lockdown hit and then I fell off the wagon because I was ordering a bottle of Prosecco a day. And

yes,

I fell off the, because I'm an emotional eater and same thing I put on weight and then I was.

I can't ethically promote something that I'm not doing. Oh, no. I've invested thousands into this, into training and yes, oh, what am I gonna do? And yeah, weirdly enough, that's how the summit came up and then into. What we are doing now. Isn't it funny that sometimes I think it's the universe giving us a nudge Yeah.

To say, eh, you are enjoying teaching that and you're enjoying doing that, but it's not your way.

It's not your thing. Yeah.

It's not actually your thing. Let's push you into this way. But yeah. How funny. So now like you say, you've got a movement. And I think that's it.

Yeah, we all think we it's up. It's ourselves that do it, isn't it? No one else. We can't blame anybody else. We put so much pressure on, we tried

ourselves, we tried to blame it. Yeah, like our, it'd be nice.

Yeah. Yeah, it'd be nice. But yeah, we put all these, like you said, Again, it's all perception.

Oh, yes. This thing of being a, an amazing mother means that you're a taxi service. You're this Yes. For that. You're, you've gotta have a, have a perfect home. Yeah. Really what the important things, what the really important and again, like you say we stop ourselves.

Taking time out, self-care as though that's, oh we come last. But actually yes, a as you've just shared there, really, it'll all come from that because if you are happy, yeah. If you have a knock on effect, you are gonna have better relationships with your kids, with your partner, all of these things.

Why do you think that? We have been conditioned to think that, oh, we must come last where. Actually, it's the opposite. You can't give from an empty cup, right? We are contradicting ourselves, aren't we?

Yeah, absolutely. And the, what that comes from, it comes from a lot of different places. It comes from our own experiences growing up, like how we saw our own mom or how we Sometimes with my clients like it, it, oh, I love dive.

I love going here. Because some of them are like I wanna be the mom that I didn't have. And then others are like, I wanna be the mom that, I saw my own mom be, and I did my, I have a podcast and I did my 101st episode. I interviewed my mom and before we got on I was like, mom, I'm I always ask my inter like my guests, what did they do for self-care?

And we both started laughing because she's really? She's I don't do that. I was like, I'm like, we have to think. I'm like, I know you do. I'm like, you may not have done it. Like back in the, and for her it was like just taking like little naps or like allowing herself to. And in her house.

She lives in Pennsylvania. I'm in Montana, so like I visit her a few times a year and she's got these recliners, so she will allow herself to go and rest and just take like a power nap a few times a day at this point. But I'm like growing up, like I don't ever remember my mom doing anything for herself.

And I'm like, I just know that's part of the ticket. That's part of the, that has to be part of my. Is to be able to have that cup and fill it, continually fill it. Because I realized what it was like not to have that. And I don't wanna be there. I don't, I didn't wanna be there. So for my own thing, so it was, that was like something that I was like, I know I wanna do things differently.

I knew that I wanna, but it comes from also culture, right? We get stuck in this hustle culture and the compare game keeps us trapped as well when we're constantly comparing like, Oh, our kids have to be, have to have a leg up. So like they have to do music lessons, they have to do language lessons, they have to do sports.

Like we want to create these well-rounded kids. And so that keeps us, like you mentioned chauffeuring scheduling, going to meetings, going to practices like that keeps us in this perpetual state of doing. Also, just being you. I mentioned the feelings of inadequacy or the beliefs of inadequacy and doing things, taking action is one of the easiest ways.

Like we're like where we feel like we are fighting against that belief of inadequacy. And so we're like we'll just do more. We'll just do more. Ah. And when we're doing all of these things for everyone else, the first thing to go is our. Cause we're like, oh, that's not very important. If you don't believe that you are worthy of prioritizing, you're not going to prioritize.

Moms would say, I don't have time. Number one reason mom's give for not engaging in self-care or pursuing hobbies or living their passion is because they don't have time. So when I first started out, I was like, all right, I'm gonna create this course. Cause I can manage my time like no other. Like I keep my.

Schedule to, to a fault. Sometimes my husband's do you have to schedule everything? I'm like, yes. Cuz if it doesn't get written down, it will not get done. So I'm like, I can time clock, I can, I planners, I'm all about them and I'm like, I can help moms manage your time if that's a problem.

If that's their problem, let's do it. And I created a course and it was a flop and I went back to the drawing board and I was. What, and I'm like, I'm working with super bombs. Like they obviously can schedule they have lots of things on their shoes, they gotta keep track, but it was that mindset piece that was missing.

Like they didn't believe that they were worthy of prioritizing or putting on their own schedule. They may have been making time to binge watch. The newest Netflix show, but when it came time to doing something for themselves or pursuing a hobby or like getting back, getting into something that's gonna make them feel alive, that's when they're like, no other things are more important than that.

I've gotta make sure that my kid is a black belt in karate, right? So it's really that mindset piece and recognizing that you're worthy of prioritizing. And like you mentioned, when you fill your own cup, it has that ripple effect because you fill it to the point of overflowing and you're in a better, it has such a profound effect on your mental health.

I have moms that come I just keep yelling at my kids. Like that rage piece, like they're short-tempered or they're very short fusing.

You are gonna be resenting, you're gonna be resenting in a subconsciously, and then it's just, but it's gonna come out in those ways. Yes. Which is why then, okay, go to the root.

Have time for yourself and then you won't have that resentment. Yes. And then you won't be yelling at your kids.

Yeah. That resentment piece is huge. Even with my husband, like there was times where I would, he would sit down like to watch a football game and I'd be like passively aggressive, like vacuum in like right in front of him and can you not see this mess?

It caused so much friction in my relationship because I wasn't giving myself. Not that I wanted to watch a football game, but like giving myself space to do what made me feel alive or what I enjoyed. Cuz I felt like there was so much other stuff that needed to get done in order to be that mom that I felt that my kids needed and I wasn't letting.

But do you think there's

a difference between men and, yeah I do. And rightly I'm not putting men down for this. I'm just saying that from what I see. Men have lesser struggle with that side of things. Cause they will just go and do, yes. They will just book, go and play golf, go and do that.

It does seem to be, correct me if I'm wrong, it is the mums the, and it's the mindset issue that, oh, that they shouldn't be. Yes. Whereas it seems that men have. Men will just do that anyway,

it I agree. But the funny thing is I won't get too far into this, but have you ever heard of Fair Play Method?

The Fair Point method. Okay, so this is a way it tackles the unequal division of labor within a household. And it's like a system that I actually am in the midst of getting certified the last three days I spent in get the training of it. It's a system to develop by Eve Roski, who is like an activist and it helps almost gamify or create the system where, The Superwomen, like the moms who are doing all of the things, it divides it into 100 tasks.

And it really is this communication piece of helping couples create more e equity in the home. Now, I'm not gonna say equality because it's not 50 50, but be able to have those conversations. So the reason I said this, because what the goal of this is, the system is to be able to help moms and dads have space to engage in their unicorn space, which is activities that make them feel like you like that make you feel unique and make you allow for self-expression, self-exploration, things that make you feel alive.

And that's the whole premise of this whole system is to allow each. Members of this couple to be able to engage in unicorn time. And so when I was doing the system with my husband, because I'm like, if I'm getting trained with this, we're gonna do this at home, right? And we had these unicorn cards and I was like, all right.

I'm like, this is the card that you hold. If we put this system in place, you get to choose like, where do you wanna put your time? Like the time that if we're both working at. Divi, like dividing this up, like the childcare, the household domestic, like the domestic responsibilities. We need to identify what are some of the things that you enjoy doing?

And he's he got stumped at that point because he has no idea what he would do at that time. Even though I felt like it was mostly women that struggle with that. He's you've been going through this for years, like figuring out. On this journey of like self-exploration and self-discovery and all the things that I've been doing the personal development, whereas he's not there and he is you've had years to think about this and give yourself like permission to even do it.

Permission to allow yourself like to be unavailable. To be able to engage in the activities that you do. He's you are putting me on the spot right now, like having me think of what would I do? And I'm like I want you to give yourself permission to dream, to figure it out.

Because his thing is like the provider, right? And that's like his number one thing. And so I feel that yes, I think many women that it does. A lot like women are typically the ones that struggle with this, but I don't think,

Or do they just take it on? That might not be because the man is not, I'm not saying that it's that.

It's almost like they're controlling, again, they think that is their role, so then they're controlling it and then feeling was resentful. But actually you didn't ask him. Yes,

I just learned this term, maternal gatekeeping, which I love did. So maternal gatekeeping is all about that resistance of giving up control, like allowing like your gatekeeping, like you're like, I will do it all.

And I heard this quote yesterday and it really it hit me cuz it was like the somebody who had implemented this fair play method system was like afterwards, she's I was okay with doing it all or do taking care of everything, but I wasn't okay with my daughters seeing me take it all or do it all.

And I was like, that is so true because I don't want my daughters to have to enter into a relationship thinking that they have. Burnout or like that. They have to be doing so many things to be amazing. And that thought alone was like, this is a reason why I want to make the changes in my own life because I'm a model for my daughters.

I've got five and my son. I don't want my son to go into a relationship thinking that his wife has to do it all because absolutely we wanna create these like cultural and systematic like changes that are bigger than our families. Yes. Like our little core family and it's, but it starts with us.

It starts with us.

And because like you say, if you're not aware, like you're just doing what your mom did. My, I think that's what it is. It's just awareness. Awareness. We, none of us do it deliberately. I was definitely one of those. No I will deal. No, I will deal with everything.

Yes. And then, yes, that's gonna, And that did, yeah, in the end, that bread. Bread resentment. But it was my fault. Yeah. How many,

oh, it's just easier to dot myself. It's easier, but you gotta be that. Is it really like start questioning? Yeah.

Is it really? Yeah. So today's topics, I know we're gonna go through a couple of things, so we're gonna cover quite a lot on today.

It's really interesting. So first of all, sleep worries and it probably ties into a lot of what we've just been talking about anyway. Because Yeah, if there's any listeners out there, I'm sure this has never happens to anybody ever, that your mind starts racing the moment your head hits the pillows.

Yes. So why?

The number one thing is because you're not giving yourself space in the day to think, right? Oh, there's so much chaos and so many things going on in your life that you don't take the time to think about your thought. And so when your head hits your pillow, it's like your mind comes alive and it's finally, you're finally giving me a chance to process.

And so we, our mind starts racing of all the things that, reflecting on the day, all the things that you're wearing about in the future, everything that's happening in the morning, and then you start. Thinking, oh, I'm never gonna get to sleep. You start calculating the amount of hours.

I have to wake up at six to get everything done. Now I'm only five hours of sleep and now it's not gonna, I'm not gonna be at my best. So you start worrying about the consequences of not getting enough sleep. So you're worrying about what happens. Cost, yeah. All of these thoughts are just ruminating in your mind on this soundtrack, and it prevents you from getting to sleep, getting the sleep that you need.

And I'm a huge advocate of self-care. And the reason I focus on sleep is because I feel that it's a foundational piece of self-care that so much stems from us being able to get the quantity and the quality of sleep. That when we start shifting our sleep patterns and our. And creating that time for our bodies to repair and our mind, like those neurons to retag, like the, all of the things that happened in our sleep.

It's so important and it's gonna have this huge effect on our daytime, our mood, our decision making, our ability to concentrate all the things that were required, like as a mom, as a or as a human. Depends on making sure that we're getting enough.

You can remember, okay, your youngest is nine now, so it's still a while since I can remember this sleepless night.

So you can remember having a baby. The one thing you need Yes. Is sleep to be able to deal. Yes. Because, you, you are almost getting trained then to to not say, I still don't, I have to say my. I said before we started recording, my daughter works in a pub over Yes. So she doesn't come home till three o'clock in the morning.

And so I was totally out, but yeah, I got woken up. I think she wanted my charger, actually, but I just, but I still, I just because you are, it's funny, I was such a heavy sleeper before, had children moment have children, obviously when they're babies, the. My baby. They didn't even need to cry the moment I heard.

Yes. You're like you're tuned in to wake at the, and it doesn't seem to pass. No, she laughs at me cuz I just, yeah. The moment I hit, I've heard that key in the door. I'm awake.

Yeah. Even like when they move out, like I'm still like, oh, are they out driving? Every time a siren goes by like that, worrying just doesn't stop.

And that was funny cause you, you said about the Newport you're up, I was like, two nights ago, I was up at three in the morning helping my teenager with chemistry. She was like, oh, doing chemistry homework. And I'm like sitting at the dining room table like I, she's shown me and I'm like trying.

See, like my wife in the eyes. I'm like, wait, let me just adjust. I'm like, this is the middle of the night.

It's crazy, isn't it? And so that is, it just knocks you off everything you need uninterrupted.

Yeah. You need to

get a good sleep. You need to get into that deep Yes. Deep sleep. Not the sort of, just semi.

Yeah. It's not so good. So that is, what is it that. That is going on though in the head. What are we worrying about? Like you say, it's stuff that's gone. Yeah.

And then imagine stuff then. Yep. The what ifs and the consequences of not getting enough sleep. And then this also ties in with our other topic of the quiet, quieter inner mean girl.

Because what we're doing here is we're becoming aware of those thoughts. So the same thing with the inner, like the self. The self-criticism, the thoughts that we're having. We need to bring awareness. Like you said, the very first step is awareness, and whether you are lying in bed sleeping, or trying to sleep worrying, or you are gearing up to do something and all of the self-doubts come and they start crippling, the inner mean girl starts shouting loud and clear, both of them like.

Start with that awareness piece and what are you thinking? So when you are in bed, I would say the first thing is to create room in your day to actually think about your thoughts. And this sounds really a crazy idea, but actually set aside some time for a wary period. And this could happen.

In the morning or whatever time you are on the ball or you're at your best, where you're clearheaded, where you're thinking, okay, I'm going to set aside no longer than 20 minutes, and you're gonna think about the thoughts that are keeping you up at night, which means, which brings me back to the nighttime.

Keep a piece of paper and a pen right next to your. And turn on the nightlight and just do a brain dump. What are the thoughts that are coming up to your cup and coming up in your mind? Is it that you are worried that you're gonna forget to put the permission slip in your kid's backpack? Are you worried that or you have to make that phone call in the morning?

Are you thinking about the day before? And I'm trying to think of the top of my head. Are you worried about how that presentation went the day? So you're just putting some keywords down on a piece of paper and doing this brain dump. So then during your worry period, you are going to take out that piece of paper and you're gonna go through those wees one by one, and you're gonna start just giving yourself time to think about them and giving yourself time to process them, and also more importantly, to challenge them.

So you're gonna say, one, that phone. Is this something that you can put on your schedule? Can you use your phone and set an alarm for it? What's something that you can do to help make that, to get that off of your mind? Knowing that it's on paper or that it's scheduled or that it's done right?

Like I already did that this morning. Cuz some of your worries are not even gonna hold any weight. When you go to worry about them during your worry period, you're gonna realize that some of them don't even apply anymore or that they're really not worth worrying about. Like that presentation you did yesterday, you already you may have done some mental filtering and you may have been focusing only on the negative pieces, but yet when you go sit down and worry about them, you'll see like you can give your.

Some credit for the things that you did well, you can expand your focus and start focusing on some of the positive things that you did in that to be able to affirm okay, I did do good. I even got some, some confirmation from my boss afterwards that I did well on that. I got some feedback from my coworkers.

They all said that I killed that presentation. But at night, when you are tired, when you've had a long day, it's hard to have that energy to even fight against those. And so that's why it, they just keep playing. But when you're, we're so hard on

ourselves. We

are our own worst critic, and as moms we really have a hard time.

I think as dads too, we really have a hard time focusing on what we did well and giving ourselves credit. But when you start doing that, when you start shifting, switching the soundtrack and shifting the way we feel about ourselves and what we think about ourselves, you're gonna see that those.

Come less and less often because the thing is those worries are based on beliefs that we hold. And as we start challenging the thoughts that we're having or the things that we're worrying about, those beliefs start shifting. We start coming up with that evidence that supports new beliefs. And so you're gonna start having different thoughts because those beliefs are beginning to shift.

And because also because they're based on those. We tend to have the same things happen over and over again. And when you're, when that happens at night, you can just remind, or even during the day when the mean girl's talking, you will have already spent your energy and your time challenging those thoughts.

So it's gonna come back to you. It may take a little bit of time in the beginning, but as you continue to reinforce those new beliefs, those old beliefs are not gonna have any weight. They're not gonna be have any substance, so they're gonna start you. Happening less and less, but it all starts with being aware and giving yourself the time to, to reflect and challenge.

And it's not gonna happen overnight. As you said, its, it is something to a belief is just a thought. We keep thinking over and over and over. So to challenge it, yes, it's not gonna happen the first time, but they're not getting into creating some new habits. But do not find that's the thing.

It's like a lot of these things, they are actually, when the way you've just explained that just made it just. So easy. Which it is, right? Yes. But it's almost like it's, we are, as human beings, we just seem to be resistant to the change. No matter what the change, you could say it's, this thing is gonna take you five minutes, five minutes a day, and it will change everything.

People would still.

Resist. Resist it. Spending that. I don't have time to do that. I don't have time

to do. I've got time. Yeah, I've got time. You have, everybody can find five minutes because that's what it sounds like you're saying ISS just really, but it's actually taking that time out to consciously. But that again, but that time in to sit down and do the thing, because hearing you say it, As easy as it sounds isn't gonna change anything.

Yes. You know what? Watching back at this podcast or re-listing to it. Yeah. It's not gonna change anything unless you do the thing. Yes. And that seems to be the challenge that most people have is that. Just, it is funny, isn't it? Why are we like this? It's just we could be given the secret to, everlasting life, but it's, and all it's gonna take you is this thing.

It's gonna take you five minutes. People would still not do it. Even

if the promise was that big. Yes. Cuz these beliefs are deeply ingrained and it took years to form them, right? But the thing is, unless you recognize that they're not serving you anymore, you're gonna continue on autopilot.

You're gonna keep doing the same actions or taking the same action, thinking the same thoughts unless you intentionally stop. And that's the great thing about coaching or accountability groups is like to be able to set yourself aside that time to. Move towards who you wanna be and to keep you account like, cuz you're saying like it is very easy.

But are we gonna do that? And the reason we have it is because it keeps us safe. We don't do it because it keeps us in our comfort zone. And as we know, nothing grows in your comfort zone. You've got to push yourself outta that comfort zone. And sometimes you need some help, you need some coaching, or you need somebody else to hold you accountable.

So that you continue to be consistent with doing what it is that's gonna get you to that next level.

A hundred percent. And that's why I think the coaching industry is just gonna grow and grow because, it is, we all need, we all need a coach. Like even with Blunt Fitness, yeah.

I've got the knowledge, 25 years in the industry. Hello. You know what we need to do. I know what I need to do. What would it be that's stopping me from doing it? Yes. But really, if I was gonna be really committed, I would go and get a pt. Not, cause I don't have the. But because of that accountability factor Yes.

And having somebody to turn up four. And it's the same with this, sometimes although I think all the time, everybody needs that help in the beginning. It's if I was. I don't know. I, they say different things, you know how long it's gonna take to create a new habit.

And I know they say 21, I'm not so convinced. But anyway, it doesn't, it's like how long's a piece of string, however, I used to say, like my willpower. I would say only has a two week stretch max, maybe 10 days. And again, that would be the thing. That would be that.

That's the piece is that minding the gap between your willpower. Yeah. When you are starting something new and you're excited about, and you might do sit down and do those things initially. Yeah. And then there's that, everybody has their marker. And mine I think is quite short. It's only about 10 days.

Yeah. Maybe two weeks. But there's a gap between it. It's minding that gap. It's actually making this

become a master.

Yeah. It's habitual. Isn't that funny? It's just we are funny creatures, really, that we need that extra time. Because until it's lodged in that subconscious and now you no longer have to think about it, even that, again, like you said, our beliefs are so ingrained Yes. We could do something for a few months and still get complacent and fall back to a default setting. Yeah. Can't wait. It's absolutely. So sleep. Is gonna be a big thing that's gonna help with that because then when you are rested yes, then we wake up in a better mood and then we are gonna be more focused on maybe doing the things that we need to do.

But let's go a little bit more into detail about this mean girl. When you're talking about the mean girl and where she does she come from

and who is she. So very similar to those Sleep Marys, right? Like we, this is just. It comes from, again, the beliefs. The beliefs that we've formed through childhood, through experiences.

Traumatic or not these, this inter mean girl, I love asking the question, what is the voice? Whose voice are you hearing? Because so often, like they are our parents, are teachers, are people in your past. It could be like different relationships that you've been in the past because this voice.

The conditioned criticism that we hear becomes conditioned is our own voice, the criticism that we hear. It becomes those self doubts. It becomes that the inadequacy thing you are not enough, right? You're not smart enough, you're not strong enough, you're not beautiful enough, you're not a good enough mom, right?

That is a huge thing that can, a huge belief, that can impact every decision We. When you have that, that mean girl screaming in the back of your mind, she can really keep you playing small and keep you in that comfort zone and not moving forward to who you were meant to be, who your, what your greatest potential is.

That mean girl can be powerful, and so in order to take back that power, we need to be aware. We need to recognize what it is that she's saying. I keep a chart, like not a chart, a list next to my desk in my office that says I can do hard things. And on that list I list about 15 things that through my life that I have done that when I initially set out to do, I was like, this is hard.

I wanted to give up like it was Stu, things like that. There were hard times during it, but then at the end I was able to do it, like on my list is things. I got my college degrees. I went to a very hard, prestigious, like high school. I ran the three. I trained for four half marathons, ran three of them, completed three half marathons.

I gave birth. I carried babies, I carried, six babies in my stomach, which being pregnant is hard. Yeah. I stayed in a marriage, like I stayed in a committed relationship for 24 years and that's something my husband, when he reads my list, he's is it really, you put that on your list? Like he gave me grief about that.

And I was like, it is hard. I don't know what planet you're on, but this is hard. Look at the divorce rate, like clearly we're doing something and I'm we work through the hard times and I'm like, but there's things on that list that are like, just as that reminder. That we can do hard things, and I'd like to refer to that list when things are getting hard because life is full of ebbs and flows and there's gonna be times where I wanna give up.

Like in my business, I just wanna burn it all sometimes and just be like, forget. But it's going back to that why and going back to that, believing that I am more, and I meant for more. And it was those shifts and those beliefs that have allowed me. Be able to do what I have done to make it through those hard pieces.

So the reason I say that is because when we get caught up, when we, when the mean girl has her power, we are, when we give into the mean girl, right? When she holds the cards or she holds the power and we continue to play small, it's at those times that we're only focusing on. What has been our perception so far, and what I mean by that sounds a little bit confusing when you think of a better way to say that.

We are focusing in on the evidence that supports what the mean girl is saying, right? And in order to take back our power, we need to start looking at other evidence because it exists, right? She's saying that you're not a good enough mom. There is so much. Out there that says that you are an amazing mom, but when she's holding the power, you are going to start focusing on all of the reasons why you are not a good enough mom.

And those, that focus is going to just continue to give power to her. And and by her, I mean there's beliefs and the thoughts that you're having. So you want to shift your focus. You wanna start shifting on those. That make you an amazing mom, and there is plenty of evidence, and I want you to take a look at like, how are you defining a good mom?

I want you to treat yourself with some self-compassion, some self-forgiveness, and start seeing, start redefining like that. Good. Mom, I don't want you to lower your standards, but I want you to start treating yourself like you would a good friend and start talking to yourself like you would a good. Start seeing dude, talk back to dude, no man, I'm a great mom and this is why. This is why like I am ensuring that my kids get this good education. And before I may have been like, you're a bad mom because you're yelling at your kids to get out the front door and you're always late for everything. Right?

And I want you to start to stop that and tell the mean girl, stop, take back your power and start. Start shifting the way you're focusing and start shifting what you're saying to yourself and start focusing on all that evidence that supports. You're just not focusing on it right now. And there's, and

again, we are just conditioned to focus on the negative, aren't we?

It's again, so common. I love that your list because Yes, we, because we don't, again, we. Generally pat ourselves on the back. Do we for a job well done? No. And we forget it. And then, and it's almost culturally

stop having that, it's almost culturally enforced, not to give yourself credit. They're like, oh, she's bragging, or she's egotistical, or narciss like all of these things.

And then we're like, we cowered, like we, we avoid. Giving ourselves credit when you're It's due

actually. Yeah. We sh we should And that's, I love that because yeah, that's gonna give you the motivation and inspire you to Yeah. It's okay. That too was hard. Remember how, but look, you did do it. Yeah. So actually you can do that.

Love it. Because yes we, again, all these things that we've. Think, saying no to self-care, saying no to giving us up, but no, we've actually gotta reverse it. And everybody is doing an amazing job. And there is, yes, there's so much to do these days. And probably more so now than Yes.

Years ago, to be fair, because there's just, there's so much going on, and again, feeling like you have to put them into dance and gymnastics and this and that and the other, and. Yes, it's great. Sometimes they'd actually don't want to go, do they?

I know I've gotten to the point like I'm my oldest son's you would never let us do that, or Why would you do that?

And I'm like, I am a totally different mom to that to Gianna than I was to you. I'm sorry. I, like I, you learn as you go. And I'm like, it wasn't, she was like in competition cheerleader, like our oldest competition, cheerleading girl scouts. Dance. I can't even think we were in a homeschooling talk, like we did a lot of things and with our youngest, like I pick and choose and then if it gets to a point where she's I don't wanna go to this one, I'm like, okay.

Like why am I dragging you to this? If you don't wanna do that, then you don't wanna do that. I'm not, I'm well, this is,

the way I see it is, this is life. It is this buffet. Go and choose the right thing for you. We'll try that. Oh you didn't like it? Okay. Yeah. Try something different.

It doesn't have to be the. It can work both ways. My daughter now does say, oh, maybe I shouldn't have given up gymnastics, and I'm not thinking, damn, I let that go. But yeah, you've just gotta go with, there's no there. Again, what I'm hearing from you is there's no, there is no right or wrong.

There isn't, but yeah,

remember giving yourself that way. Do.

Yeah, give yourself that grace. Be a little bit. And I love that what you said earlier about giving yourself compassion. I think that's massive. Yeah.

I think that's funny what you said about the gymnastics thing because I just found out, so I'm taking piano lessons right now cause I'm like, I wanna learn piano.

And I was home recently and my mom was like, didn't you take piano lessons when you were little? I'm like, I don't know. Did I? And like I couldn't remember and I was like, that was probably one of those moments where I was probably crying and my mom was like, listen, you don't have to do it anymore. And I just gave up on it.

But the thing is if your daughter wants to do gymnastics, there's probably like adult gymnastics class or like something that's similar. That she may be able to go do. Like we, we don't need the gym to do it all until Yeah. Go to the gym. Like we don't have to do it all and be like the, we don't have to do it all as moms.

We don't. Yeah. We can pick and choose. And it really comes down to asking ourselves, is this really what I want? And this is what I need, for myself and for my family. And really reassessing, being aware of what it is that you want and need, and not thinking that, not just trying to live up to those unrealistic expectations that are keeping you in a state of stress and overwhelm.

And that's what I'm getting from this conversation is, yeah, you don't have to, there is nothing to live up to. There is no imaginary line we're all aiming for. No. So any, anything else that you can, any other things that people can do to quieten this little mean girl?

I say, just the main thing is just making time to be able to reflect, to become aware of what are the thoughts that you're having.

That are preventing you from living big and giving yourself, like asking yourself, what do I need? That's a huge one. We don't ask ourselves that. We just go on autopilot and we, and then you're,

I was gonna say, it sounds it sounds that from what you're sharing now, actually, We just need to ask ourselves things a little bit more as well.

Yeah. So check the listeners your mom with capes movement. Yes. Can you share a little bit about that, how people could come and join?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So Moms Without Capes. Because we're taking off our supermom capes. Yeah.

I start the other way around. Mom with

capes. Capes. No. We're working against the Supermoms.

Sorry. Oh, we're, it's ok. So I have a podcast. So if you're a podcast listener, mom's Without Capes, it can be found on anywhere you listen to podcasts. I think. I'm pretty sure it could be found on all major podcast. Platforms. And that's where I help you take off your Supermom cape. So we talk a lot about that.

Perfectionism, people pleasing, mental health boundary setting, a huge one, right? So all the things, and you can find me there. I also can be found on Instagram and Facebook, both at Moms Without Capes. I've got a Facebook community, a growing Facebook community. I show up, do Facebook Live. We do lots of fun events.

I have a book. That we do. Also a, I do challenges a few times a year. We just wrapped up a Clean Your Me Time challenge, which was a brand new challenge for this year. I'll run it a few times this year. So when you're listening to this, come join my Facebook group. I love being there and I know that a lot of my members love being there too, so I get great feedback from it.

So come and join the fun.

Fantastic. It's been, yeah, fascinating and yeah, I can, remember, feeling as some of those things that you're describing there and it is it's all a journey, isn't it? None of us. There is no we don't get training to be mums. There isn't.

And there is no instruction manual? No, there's, there was no book. They didn't come with a book, did they? They just didn't come out with a manual. And

of course that. I was gonna say when I started, when I was like, what should I do? What should I focus on? And I was like, I guess I can help moms with mom stuff.

And I was like, no. I'm like I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm like, that's not something that I wanna, I'm like, only maybe I can help them navigate the feelings of motherhood. Like the thing I'm like, I can handle that. So I've been doing that. But yeah, there is no instruction manual. We are kind.

We're doing the best

we can with the information that we have at the time, and that's all any of us can do. Exactly. But what I'm hearing from, what I've take taken away from this is, yeah, you've gotta take out, take time out for self-care. It's gonna have a ripple effect, so it's gonna prove everything.

It's gonna help you prioritize then the rest of the things that you've gotta do. So yeah. Thank you for your time today. It's been love. Speaking with you like this and to the listeners guys, look, if you are a coach or a therapist or a healer and you have a message that you want to get out there, cuz there's plenty of people that need to hear it, come and have a chat with us.

If you want your own show on Min Wave Radio or we can create your own podcast, come and have a chat. Yeah, I will be, Tomorrow. Not long. We will be back tomorrow with a coffee with Karen. So thank you for your time. Bye. Fornell

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