In the past, I often ran away from situations that would be difficult to face. I soon became an expert at avoiding things which just meant the issues that were causing these emotions were never dealt with. I would spend so much time running away that I did not stop and enjoy the present. During that time in my life, I looked like I was having the best time from the pictures on my camera roll, but I cannot remember those moments. I was so out of touch with myself that I couldn’t allow myself to fully have a good time.
When I first came to this realisation, I had to find a way to embrace the version of myself that I was at that time and learn to make myself be present. Otherwise, life would just continue to pass me by in the blink of an eye.
Whenever, I would find myself in situations with difficult people, I’d swiftly plot my escape. Nowadays, I challenge myself to face it rather than running away. I had to consciously practice radical honesty. At first, I thought I was punishing myself and continuing to make myself suffer. But as time went on, I started to become more in touch with my truth. Although I had to find a balance between the two. I sometimes wished that I could forget it when things became difficult. However, I had to remind myself that when temptations would surface, to focus on the amount of work I have already put in.
In my past, I would hide myself from so many of the closest people in my life that I was living in a false reality. This generated a lot of anxiety and self-shame, because I was embarrassed of the heavy emotions I was experiencing. The more lies I told to myself and to others to cover up the truth, the more I became a stranger to myself. I thought I would never be able to accept my truth. I just wanted to be happy and be able to form a deep connection with someone else. However, in order to do that, I had to form a connection with myself first, after eleven years of being mostly disconnected from myself and my reality.
When you constantly tell people that you are fine, but the truth is you’re not. You are lying to yourself and denying yourself the chance to process the pain you are feeling. By doing that, and continuing to suppress your emotions, you just begin to feel worse in the long run. It can be scary to face yourself, but avoidance has consequences. Take it from me, that it’s not worth it. You deserve to be loved and to be happy. If you keep denying yourself happiness, love and acceptance, you will prolong the suffering that you are the maker of.
Be Happy. Show yourself compassion. Try to feel good about yourself even when you feel like things are hopeless. Hope is always there. You just have to try to believe in yourself and your worth.
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