Let’s Get Naked About Mental Illness!: Recent Episodes
Christopher Gajewski
This is an authentic, uninhibited journey into my secret world--that I guess is not so secret now. I just want people to know that they are not alone and that there are people who do understand. I was able to hide everything so well that nobody ever saw the life of quiet desperation I was living. Trauma, Major Depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, isolation, fear, stigma, suicide and the inability to communicate it with those I loved.
You are not alone.
I am not alone.
It's time to bring the podcast to a pause for a while. Call it season 1.
As a friend mentioned, sometimes you need to unplug from things to concentrate on other things. This is something that I really enjoy, but I need to unplug for a while to plug back into life, a healthy life. Getting off this damn roller coaster is proving to be more difficult than I thought.
I'll be back when I can move out from beyond the shadow of the roller coaster. I try to explain it in the episode.
It may be a month, two or three, but I'll be back.
Until then, you can check out the book, "A Walk in My Shoes: A Journey Into Depression." The ePub is now available on Amazon. The paperback will be out in a few days.
Be kind to every everybody. Be kind to yourself.
Aloha
Workaholic. It definitely is something to be. But it is not the right thing to be. It is one of the things that led to my fiery burnout a few years ago.
My body and mind are as ripe for it as a newly tilled field in the spring. New business. The challenge. The rush. The way it can push everything else outside of my head. The escapism.
It is also a part of who I have to be. Business owner. Income earner.
And it is exciting. I do enjoy what I do. I enjoy seeing the results of what I am doing every day. I'm engaging in a profession that I am good at it. It really is exhilarating.
But I know it can bring the emptiness back. I know where this path leads.
How I not return to that place I was a few years ago?
By allowing the parts of who I am to grow as well.
Balance.
Why do people stay in bad relationships? I dive into myself, and into some songs, to look for possible answers.
Bad relationships is a spectrum, not a black or white thing. They can abusive marriages, empty marriages, unhealthy workplaces, or even something as mundane as my continued following of the University of Miami football program. I remember better times.
There is something about comfortableness, something about the fear of the unknown, something about being seen.
Rob Thomas helps with this one. Anybody know how I can get in touch with him? Anyway...
Like LL Cool J sang: Don't call it a comeback!
It was difficult making my way back to the podcast, creating an original one, but I am there now. I'm still not at my best, still not really mentally settled, but this was necessary.
So, you are welcome to follow me as I skip along the yellow cobblestone street in Philly, "Lions and tigers and bears oh my!" And then stumbling because some asshole stole the friggin' cobblestone street. Somebody really did that. He stole a few blocks of it, in broad daylight, before he got caught.
It's a Philly thing?
This is a rebroadcast of Episode 17, with a special introduction.
I'm back in Philly, back home, and answering many of the same questions. I don't mind talking about it but it may help if you read the damn book. Or listen to the podcast.
I'll get back into new episodes next week
This is a repeat of Episode 5 with a special introduction.
I'm a mess right now, traveling cross country. I had started a new episode but it did not get done. While driving, though, and thoughts tugging at me, I realized I wanted to repost Episode 5, The Mental Health Triangle with the special introduction.
As I evolve, the podcast evolves. Episodes 5 and 17 come up the most in my thoughts and new scripts, so with everything going on, I thought I would get them reposted as I travel and then get set up somewhere.
My last podcast had me thinking about things, breaking down the subtle signs of depression. A column that I just wrote, "Lessons Learned from a Bar Fight," was a mixture of the podcast and reactions to posts I am seeing. That led me to Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting.
All that led to this podcast. It is about something I have been saying for years in various forums and various lectures on many different topics. "Don't screw up like I did."
Learn from my mistakes. Please. If you do, it makes my mistakes more bearable, gives them purpose. I wish I had learned more from other's mistakes but that has not been my way.
From posts I am seeing, I imagine that many people were disappointed by other people in 2022. I am reading a knee jerk reaction, about how if we don't have expectations, we will never be disappointed. All of the memes and posts are making me facepalm. Often.
Umm, no. Don't do that. It is all about a bar fight in SW Philly.
I delve deeper into some columns that I wrote this past week to try and untangle depression from my life.
Dedicated Regina and Vivian, the first who asked the question that set me on the path to the answer and the second who provided a billboard to the answer.
I use Writer's Block as an example. I realized that my life had unknowingly become writer's block and show how the depression infiltrated every facet of my life. I know now and can begin the path to healing.
Freedom is still a journey ahead of me, healing, but I am taking the steps I need to take.
This wasn't supposed to be an episode but it became one. I do tend to ramble.
I discuss the book that is now available at your favorite bookseller, a name change to the podcast, support for the podcast, my first column for the website and my first article for the website.
I am doing what I meant to do in 1997 but got sidetracked by the depression among other things.
Better late than never.
In my last episode, The Space Between Breaths, I mentioned tWitch, but I stayed away from the topic. What can I add to the conversation? As I say in my podcast, I am not a mental health care professional with letters at the end of my name. I am just a guy who has been there. What the hell do I know?
An article/post got me typing. It featured a smiling picture of tWitch and was, "I Still Don't Think We Understand Depression."
I read the questions and advice the post posed and realized that I do have something to add, that I may even be able to make an impact. No, I am not a mental health professional, but I am a guy who has been there. I understand what I do know about depression and suicide, and I understand what I don't know about them. Most importantly, I am learning what I need to know.
Who am I? I'm Chris, nice to meet you. Have you checked out my podcast? A lot of the answers are here if you care to check it out. I suffer from depression, among other things, and have almost taken my life twice. I was a leader and educator in my industry for 35 years. I am a storyteller/journalist, and I have answered many questions in the first 23 episodes of my podcast from a personal point of view, with what others are saying is insightful.
I wasn't planning on doing another episode this year as I was supposed to be on my way to or settling in Rochester, Minnesota, but I am still stranded in Tijuana. As I was sitting here, waiting, a title popped into my mind. Things typically start with that. Things are a bit scattered with everything packed, but I'm going to try and plow my way through and maybe make some sense.
The space between breaths brought a memory of a stupid little kid. Everybody told me I couldn't breathe under water, but how do you know if you don't try?
We really don't know anything until we try. Until we start talking. Until we start listening. Until we understand. A lot of the time, and the most difficult thing I think, is knowing what we don't know.
I wasn't okay and did not even realize it. The caricatures of PTSD, Major Depression and trauma are easy to spot, but what about the subtleties, the hints and allegations? I am only learning them now. I'm realizing that it was never a matter of "if" another depressive episode would hit but "when."
Education can be painful at times. Sort of like hearing the whistling of that paddle coming to my backside in grade school, but it is coming at my head.
The Real Depression Project was suggested to me and I started following them. If are struggling, know someone who is off, or even if you just feel like something is "off," I highly recommend following them.
The holidays, starting with Thanksgiving, present a difficult time for people who are struggling. They present me with a difficult time. I look forward to January 2nd, when everything returns to normal.
I rejoice in your joy and happiness. Newton's Third Law comes into play though, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I'm okay. I really am fine. But I hate the holidays. It is not so much as a "Bah humbug" kind of thing as much as it is a "I have no friggin' idea how to process this so give me my time and space as I work through it. It may take a few...decades."
This is my journey through the holidays, from Thanksgiving to January 2nd.
I had to battle through the depression to do this episode. Instead of succumbing to it, I dissected it. The depression twisted questions exhaust me, as well as the equally twisted answers. But then a few things happened right before I recorded it that really screwed it up. It taught me about patience and hope.
The wall of depression is something I have been coming to all my life and saying, "what the hell is wrong with me?" I know what is beyond the wall: my true self and also, possibly, my destruction. In the podcast, I explore the wall. In this episode, I explore setting up camp at the wall.
This is not my best effort. I am male and have the flu: hear me whine? But it is apt for the episode. It works in its own way. You do the best that the can, and, sometimes, the best that you can is simply going to bed. And that's okay.
In this episode, I go way back in time to meet that scrawny kid with a bad haircut again. The first meeting did not go so well. This one went better.
He is a child of trauma. Adultification? I don't know.
This one got complicated. I started writing the script and fell down a rabbit hole. I followed the paths presented to me.
They led me to Jake and Elwood Blues, Pink Floyd, my Coci Carol and Deborah Tannin. I just went with it because I think they were bringing me to something important.
Ultimately, they brought me to some insights into communication.
My Story
This episode evolved. Into a movie. A few things came together, conversations with family members, a movie I watched, slivers of information and realizations.
A common hashtag I use is #keeptalking. I started to use #startlistening.
It got away from me a little bit but this is my story of the where I was, where I am, where I hope to be and the full story of how the podcast came about. Instead of getting naked about mental health, I simply got naked. Metaphorically!
It happened and I did not even realize it: I was sinking into the depression again. It is difficult to recognize it. A friend's email gave me the kick I needed to recognize it and begin to climb my way out.
For World Mental Health Awareness Day (a day late). What is chronic depression? I think I found a way to explain it. Then I dive into addiction, a Rat Park and boundaries.
I was triggered by a post I saw on LinkedIn about an advertisement for teletherapy.
The journalist in me understood her point of view; the SW Philly boy in me read "Let them eat cake."
I responded.
"Let them eat cake," wrongly attributed to Marie Antoinette, "...is taken to reflect a princess's frivolous disregard for the starving peasants or her poor understanding of their plight."
I dive into her post, my response, and things we can do, that I did, to help ourselves.
mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #letstalkdepression #selfcare #teletherapy
The final episode in support of Suicide Awareness Month. Moving beyond depression into something new: hope. I wonder where the hell it came from.
Let's Get Naked About Mental Health!
In this episode, I'll be continuing with the "Suicide Awareness Month" theme. I've gone to one extreme where I almost committed suicide, took everybody to the other side of suicide, those left behind, and now I want to discuss the gentler side of suicide. Yes, there is a gentler side. Michelangelo will also be making another cameo appearance.
Continuing with the theme of Suicide Awareness Month, let's take a look at the other side of things. Those left behind. I've been asked a lot about it when I began opening up about it. I scripted this one but did do a free form one. Might post that later. Bottom line: if someone you know has committed suicide or attempted it, talk to a professional.
For Suicide Awareness Month
It was fitting. September is Suicide Prevention Month. At the beginning of the month, I got triggered and the suicidal thoughts came back. Not the hornets, but the gnats on a summer evening. I got triggered. Actually, I threw the door open wide and invited the depression back in. It rushed in and made a cup of coffee.
I struggled making this episode. Of course, I'm struggling putting on pants. Hence the lateness. But I did the best I could.
A chance encounter on LinkedIn led me to revising my view on a lot of things. Now I need a new title for my second book. Any help? I'll also be talking about pearls, authentic selves, and Michelangelo has a cameo. --no, the picture is not Mike. It's Rodin. But it's the best I could find without breaking copyright laws.
The craziest advice that I ever received in therapy, that worked. The flip side of anger, the other flip side, and there is something about mirrors. Probably too much about Philadelphia.
In this episode, I'll be discussing triggers, a particular incident, and how my mental health journey had many parallels to my journey as a person who stutters. I wish I had learned a few lessons from myself but that is not my way. I typically see the writing on the wall but ...oh look, a shiny thing!
I explore an idea I had based upon the production triangle and applied to mental health. It offers insights into my personal journey, and where I screwed up. The three sides of the triangle are psychiatry (meds), psychology (therapy) and self-help. TMI? Yeah, but that's what the podcast is all about.
In this episode, I'll be stepping back in time to the start of the pandemic to discuss aloha, a state of being and the warped perception of memory & time that depression brings.
So many people live in fear of revealing their depression. I did. I don't know what the answer is but a step towards it is to start talking and keep talking.
Time to strip down out of my protective shell and be authentic again about my mental health journey. In this episode, I explore communicating about clinical depression, how it can be misunderstood--even by ourselves, and dive into the deep to begin a journey first started a few years ago.
Welcome to my first podcast! The inspiration for launching this podcast came from another podcast where I was a guest to discuss my new book. Leo Flowers, host of "Before You Kill Yourself," knew the secret behind the book and jumped right into it. You can find that interview on the link below.
https://art19.com/shows/before-you-kill-yourself/episodes/3c4f7a9a-c8eb-470b-9dbe-313f7934d30b