Finding Good: Recent Episodes
Katherine Ceicys
I believe that everyone has a story worth sharing and I really want to hear it. Join me, Katherine, as I talk with different people about experiences that deeply matter to them.
Wilson did not find any hope at his first AA meeting. ‘I saw the 12 Steps on the wall, and my first impression was, ‘I’m going to die because they’re asking me to believe in fairy tales,’ when I saw the word, ‘God’ throughout the steps.’ But after the meeting, a man talked to him and explained the detox symptoms Wilson was going through because that man had gone through the same thing himself. That connection was the reason Wilson went back to another meeting. He shares that working the steps, staying involved in AA, and being a sponsor has changed him, even if he can’t point to when or how. Now, practicing Step 12 by reaching out to other alcoholics is central to his life.
‘I have a genuine caring for people that I don’t think I ever had before…I mean I cared about people but it wasn’t at a core level. Now it’s there. And when I see a new comer come in, I care for that person without any sort of reservation, without any sort of judgement in a way I never had before. I just want to help them. It’s really a big deal. That’s probably what’s changed [in me] the most.’
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
There is a lot to unpack in Step 11, but Ann is not deterred by the challenge and meets her practice of Step 11, as she seems to meet life, with joy, enthusiasm, and open honesty about where she is in any moment. Studying singing has informed her relationship with breathing which she shares is an important tool she uses as part of Step 11 to discern when to act, and if so with courage, or when to hold back and wait.
‘I like having my way. [But] I have found that when I back off and not force my will, and can do all the things I’ve said- pray, breathe,- things get better… And it happens so many times. It just keeps coming if I can just back off [and] keep that focus. Studying all the steps leads me to that. And I do that better or worse all the way along. Step 11 says ‘improve.’ It means I’m not ever going to be there totally but I can make progress.’
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Alan takes his serenity seriously. ‘I guard my serenity with every fiber of my being. I guard that.’ And a big part of how he does that is his daily practice of Step 10. After the hard and perhaps deeper work of Steps 1-9, Step 10 offers something different: an ongoing practice of self-reflection and dedication to dealing with mistakes and missteps right as they come up. The payoff for reflection and admitting errors in the moment is something Alan takes seriously too.
‘It feels like a sense of accomplishment every day that I go to bed and say, ‘you know it wasn’t the perfect day, today. I said something I shouldn’t have said, or did something I shouldn’t have done… but I’ve dealt with it. Because the thing that bothered me for many, many years is that I would perseverate on what to do about things I had done wrong. And I would let that fester and cause a sickness inside me. I don’t feel that sickness anymore. It’s not that I don’t make mistakes. But I don’t feel like I’m carrying anything forward with me into the next day. And that creates a lightness.’
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Julia is clear: an amends is not the same thing as an apology. Julia shares the details about her amends process including determining the who, what, how, when and follow up, if needed, for amends and why she doesn't say, 'I'm sorry.' There is no one size fits all and it takes work to make things right, if possible. But it’s very much worth it to Julia.
‘Without the practice, without the words, without the language [that I worked through with my sponsor], I probably would have really not gotten through [my amends] effectively so that I was really doing the spirit of the 9th Step. And the spirit of the 9th Step is- it’s the process by which we clean up [a relationship.] But that’s not the goal. The book actually says that. The goal is your spiritual maturity. So the way that you clean it up becomes very important.’
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Making a list is simple enough. For Sherry, a lot of the work of Step 8 was in becoming willing to make amends. She shares how she had to forgive the people she had harmed before she was ready to approach them to make her own amends. Sherry found her way from AA to Al-Anon when her children were teenagers. She shares what each program gives her and how she relied on both to find her way through grieving and eventual healing after losing one of her children.
‘In the Webster’s dictionary, [amends] means change. And that was true for me. It was necessary for me to forgive in order to change. I had to forgive those people. That’s why I talk about forgiveness a lot… I can look back and see I’m not that person any more. I have changed.’
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
With over 10 years in Alanon, Brian found himself struggling. Every day was a challenge. He asked a long-time member to be his sponsor and work with him through the steps again. In that process, he found a new kind of acceptance. He shares his journey and how his practice of acceptance helped him approach Step 7 in which, as he describes it, his Higher Power did not remove the defects he wanted removed but how the process brought change within him anyway.
“Humbly is that key word. Humbly means I have a right-sized understanding of who I am and who I’m not…I recognize I’m a human being like everyone else… I’m lovable as I am… And to me, asking [my Higher Power] humbly, I’ve got to understand who I am and who I am in relation to [my Higher Power]… [So] Humbly asking [my Higher Power] to remove my shortcomings has much more to do with my thinking than it has to do with my list of assets and defects.’
Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
Step 6 seems like a quiet step but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a deeply powerful one. Tom shares why Step 6 and Step 7, 'the fulcrum of the steps' as he sees them, are so important to him and his ongoing recovery that he continues to revisit and practice them.
‘It’s really about asking your Higher Power, for you to foresee a future life without [your defects] where you could be a much great version of yourself. That’s a lot about the willingness. It’s just, ‘ok, I’ve been following my advice my whole life, I’m open to a new set of directions... So I invite [my Higher Power] into the conversation. But it’s also about faith in action.’’
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Many people might shy away from admitting their hardest, most painful choices at all- let alone out loud to another person. Kimberly, however, was ready and willing to share her 5th Step with her sponsor. She shares how the previous steps prepared her for Step 5 and the clarity and freedom that this step gave her. She may even have enjoyed it.
‘I was finally seeing the real picture….It was a little shocking but it was really freeing. It was like, ok now I finally know what my problem is. Yeah I drink a lot- that is a problem- but this is kind of why. This is me at my core. This is me left untreated… [And] now I know. Now someone else knows who knows how to hold me accountable. And now I can really look at this and see what caused all the damage… It was me. And thank god it’s me because I can do something about me. Now I can really be put on a path of understanding. Now I know what I need to do.’
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Like a lot of people in 12-Step programs, Eleanor was terrified (her word) to approach Step 4 which involves making a ‘moral inventory’ of oneself. Eleanor sponsor's experience helped her change her perspective from looking at Step 4 as a painful process that would prove she was a horrible person to looking at the it as a way to better understand herself and the coping skills she developed in past that no longer serve her. She shares how she approached her 4th step and what helped her keep the process balance, useful and manageable.
‘That really gave me the grace and comfort to start the process- which was a lot less daunting of a process than I thought it would be.’
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Victoria grew up with religion and was comfortable believing in a Higher Power. In her drinking, which increased in the middle of her life, she ended up doing things she never thought she would which she tried to ‘hide’ from god and her family. She ended up in the ICU and then rehab. She knew she had to change or she would lose her relationships with her kids- let alone her life. On one particularly hard night, she, in her words, surrendered and prayed for guidance. She shares how she arrived at that moment and how it change her in a powerful way.
‘I looked up for the first time in so long. I looked up and I saw the stars. And the stars and the moon were brighter than I ever could remember before. But what I realized was that I had held my head down for such a long period of time full of guilt and shame. And when I finally gave in and asked [my Higher Power] for forgiveness and to guide me- the stars and moon had always been there it’s just that I didn’t see them any more…. My life was forever changed after that night… It was like I became alive again. I had the gift to live again.’
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Sam wasn’t sure he believed in god or a 'Higher Power' and thought he might have to give up on Al-Anon because of that. Sam shares how his sponsor gave him a new perspective that allowed him to explore not knowing but still trusting in something greater than himself, even if it was the group of people in a meeting. His trust became an important part of his recovery- and still is.
‘Having that concept of a High Power takes the pressure off…And that’s such a relief. Because I’ve been doing my best all these years but it hasn’t always been working out great. So maybe I can just relax a little bit, keep trying to do my best, but it’s just not all on me anymore, somehow.’
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power great than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For years, Matt knew he was powerless over his drinking, no question. The key to Step 1 and the start of his recovery was his life becoming truly 'unmanageable.' Matt’s shares what made him finally choose rehab and how dedicating himself to working the Twelve Steps changed him from wanting to give up on life to wanting to make the most of it.
'I feel like I was given a lot of potential to really help other people, to do some great things, live a happy life and share that with other people. And I can do that today instead of worrying about how to not drink today.’
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
For this series, I set to find out: what are the Twelve Steps of Recovery and what is it actually like to work them? Listen here for a quick intro to AA and Al-Anon, the steps as a whole, and to hear the 12 Steps and 12 Promises of AA before jumping into the following episodes. Hope you enjoy!
(For reference: The 12 Steps and Promises are copyrighted by AA. Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (1989). Twelve steps and twelve traditions. Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. https://www.aa.org/the-twelve-steps)
Amanda- I’m Going For It! Starting a Business Driven by Passion After Decades in Corporate Life
Lou- I Can’t Explain It: An Extraordinary Love Story and an Unexpected Gift in Alzheimer’s
Kenneth- An Unexpected Surprise: A Vietnamese Translator Reaches Out to A Vietnam Vet Decades After Serving Together in the Vietnam War, A Life of Service and Family
Mary-Catherine- It Was A Hard Day: Losing A Brother To HIV/AIDS and Finding Grace in Loss and Grief
Kelly- It Started There: A Lunch That Led to a Career in the ATF (Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives) and what it was like working at ATF
Annette- I Didn’t Think It Would Happen to Me (Perspective 2): Saving A Loved One’s Life and the Gifts and Challenges in Caregiving
Ray- I Didn’t Think It Would Happen to Me (Perspective 1): Surviving Getting Struck by Lightning and Later Sudden Cardiac Arrest
I didn't mean to start a podcast, but I'm so grateful to be here. Here's how one idea led to the '10 Conversations Project' where I spoke with 11 neighbors I didn't know- and how that has turned into Finding Good.