Confidence is not the same thing as courage. Sometimes you feel secure but really have just learned to cut off from important life-giving emotions. This episode is especially for those “talk to the hand” kind of people or those that love them. You know, the uber-independent, rational, left-brain, excel spreadsheet person that sees others emotions as needy and weak. Co-hosts Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Ann Kelley PhD translate decades of research and clinical experience into easy to understand usable points to help you improve your understanding of why people appear so irrational at times. They talk about how internal working models of the world are formed outside of our awareness in our early life and how they get passed forward over time, sometimes causing relationship trouble. Early stress responses and relationships create a pathway, and how we talk not what we say are clues to which pathway we may be on. This episode specifically focuses on the blue side of the spectrum, which you may be familiar from research as Dismissive or Avoidant. Hosts also discuss how an individual can move towards the secure middle of the spectrum and why it is important to integrate logic with emotion. 0:00-10:00 Breakdown of attachment types, the attachment spectrum, internal models of attachment How do we form our internal working models? Parents/caregivers connecting to and communicated with less vulnerable and less developed brains in children. First primary relationship is blueprint for all following relationships How secure attachment (green), insecure avoidant (blue) is formed between parents and children 10:00-20:00 Illusion of insecure avoidant people as confident just because they keep to themselves Dismissive attachment as people who shudder at thought of asking for emotional help Response to stress secure vs. insecure, turning your back but keeping close proximity, staying close to people through zipping up Couples where one partner avoids the other one being upset to maintain their own happiness Working on ability to need other people and connect to other people, falling on defensiveness and learning to admit insecurities Integrating intellectual/rational with emotional 20:00-30:00 Deactivated attachment system: the idea of needing a relationship in an interdependent way becomes too threatening Dismissive attached feels threatened by a loss of self Dismissing vulnerability as being needy, moving across the spectrum Auto-regulatory state responds to any change with defensiveness Having an idealization of yourself, past, relationships 30:00-40:00 If on blue side, really work on expressiveness Connect to person you consider most important in your life by imagining if you lost them. This taps into dismissive attachment assumption that people around you are always there. Recognize their need. Attune to your partner’s emotions, not a bad idea to invite your dismissive partner to couple’s therapy Wrap up and outro Resources for this episode: John Bowlby: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465075975/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=therapuncens-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0465075975&linkId=7e1b8c8976a30e5a02bcfec560783702 (A Secure Base) The father of attachment! Mary Main, Mary Ainsworth both primary researchers with Bowlby. https://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/adult-attachment-interview-aai-mary-main/ (Mary Main and the Adult Attachment Interview )Good summary, check it out!! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393706672/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=therapuncens-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0393706672&linkId=7afab10ddb3c7fe056451d3984256c69 (Assessing Adult Attachment A Dynamic-Maturational Approach to Discourse Analysis... Support this podcast