The Chaos under my Calm: Poems by Anjali: Recent Episodes
Anjali Singh
Have you ever let your mind censor your feelings which led the suppression weigh you out? Have you ever thought the pseudo crescent on your face is braver than facing the storm you’ve bred inside? Have you ever let the fire of your emotions engulf your soul leaving you hollow and gasping for breath but did not let the fire out lest it should burn the entire world down? This podcast is about delving deep into an emotion, to experience it, to let it burn you down but then also set you free of it. It is to tell you that it's human to experience and express.
This podcast is about all the storms you held while chaos unfolded underneath your calm face.
Credits: - Cover Art: Paritosh Shukla - Description co-written by Esha Chatterjee and Anjali Singh - Audio Editing: Esha Chatterjee
Email-id: aurorabyanjali@gmail.com
Some days weigh heavy on your heart; they shove their judgements and cripple angst amidst the calm you've been breeding. This poem is about one of those days.
Transcript:
My vision seems blurred today
I think it’s filled with rage
My eyes are an ocean
I think it’s the tears
My cheeks feel warm
I think it’s the embarrassment
I sit in a corner and cry
Beg you to stop
Tell you I am trying
But are you listening?
You told me I stink of betrayal
You told me that I was a zero
And you kept repeating
Repeating till each spectrum of my confidence exploded
You forgot all the moments I have spent crying
All the moments I kept trying
You told me results won’t matter
Not if I worked hard enough
Not if I showed passion
And I did, I tried, I persevered
But you have been sly
You have been smart
And you have been a liar.
Each morning I look at you
And I see you look back at me
I see the disappointment in your eyes
Your screams at my failures haunt me each night
Your impatience towards me increases with time
And your hatred towards me gets unbearable with each passing moment.
And I try very hard to set you free
Free from miseries, free from the pain, free from me
But is it ever possible to set one free from oneself?
This poem is for all those who've been waiting for something or someone with glistening stars in their eyes and boundless hope in their hearts.
Transcript:
When the gloomy winter evening takes over
When your arrival is just an insane idea
When hopes have left each heart they lodged in
I’ll wait for you
I’ll try to look beyond the mist
I’ll keep the curtains apart all day
I’ll not let myself fall prey to the pessimism around me
For I know your shine is inevitable
Sometimes, you delay but you never deny
And that is why I’ll wait for you
Even when I am stuck in a desert of disapprovals
When your presence is compared to a mirage
I won’t let go of my hopes
I’ll run to each mirage
For I know even if I don’t find you a 100 times
You’ll be there somewhere
Finding me in other places
And if this is destiny’s test, I know we’ll succeed
For even if you take a lifetime,
I’ll wait for you.
I’ll wait for you like a child lost in the midst of the city
I’ll cry my heart out
But I won’t bury my belief
I won’t let the city lights blind me
Or the incessant noises mislead me
I’ll look around in each direction
For I know you’ll be arriving from one
And I will, always, wait for yo
"Hollow" attempts to address the indescribable void that seeps in at odd moments in life. It will accompany the perplexity and will empathise with the obscurity of the situation that the hollow of life puts one in.
Transcript:
There’s a hollow in my life
And I am not sure what it is
There’s a hollow in my life
And I’ve heard you whisper about it
There are moments in my life
When I feel I can tell exactly what it is
Maybe that missing dream,
that missing moment,
that missing person,
Or maybe my thoughts are not my own
It’s a string entangled on my finger
The same string your whispers unleashed
Or is it a dream I saw last night
Which gifted glimpses of utopia
And made me feel incompetent to ever attain it
Or is it my time on the social media
Which weaves fairy tales and masters perfection
And makes me question every flaw I have ever had
Or is it you?
The reflection I see each morning,
Smiling back at me with hushed tones
Hiding layers beneath to save me from the storm,
And whispering tales to perplex life’s austerity.
Transcript:
Have you ever felt misunderstood?
I’ll tell you how it feels
The core of your heart burns with anguish
Little volcanoes erupt in your soul
You fail to fathom your own emotions
Something crumbles inside you while you sit
Your only escape are your tears or your rage
Both of which you need to suppress
Both of which are condemned
The more you speak, the less you become of a girl
The less you become of an agreeable child or a congenial human
Simply because reasoning is neither accepted nor appreciated
Have you ever been the least preferred one?
I’ll tell you how it feels
You begin by thinking it’s funny
They obviously love you but don’t show
Why do the rules change for others though?
Why is their inexpressible love expressed when it’s not you?
Slowly, your smile starts to fade away,
And before you know, the fun in funny vanishes
You still try and understand
Count your own flaws every night
Cry because they were the only people who were supposed to love you despite your flaws
Slowly, you start accepting
It’s like taking continuous little sips of hot water
Letting it burn your throat as it moves down slowly
You can feel your system accepting it.
It’s like keeping your feet in cold water
Resisting it for the first few moments
And then not feeling a thing
It is like every other new thing
That your body eventually has to accept.
"To the guy down my street" is one of my first few poems and also, a raw personal anecdote. This ordinary tale helped me extract a simple yet meaningful perspective in life!
Dreams are always so scarily close to the reality as if to tempt us with the possibility that they might come true but also just as further away from it as if to tease us.
This poem reflects on moments we see through the images they create and yet gather the courage to face them.
Zakir Khan had famously called us "a generation of broken hearts and broken people".
"Welcome to the 21st Century" is a portrayal of our generation based on an aspect of the formerly mentioned phrase. With no intention to generalise, it gives a glimpse of how our generation proceeds through life!
Transcript:
Welcome to the 21st century,
The age of millennials
The fast-paced life
The period where everyone’s aware yet unaware
Meet mankind’s most ambitious self
See them race through their days
See them not blinking in fear of losing the moment
See them trying to be the best
But wait, don’t stop for long in your quest
Or you’ll fall behind, way behind
Welcome to the new way of life
The rollercoaster you climbed for the thrill
The rollercoaster which lasts more than 5 minutes
The rollercoaster that stops getting fun
Welcome to the blues
And observe those empty, sad faces in the metro that don’t look around
The eyes of the poor kid right in front of that metro station
The upset soul through the exuberance of the most buoyant people
Notice contentment losing its grip on each individual you’ve known
The shadow of depression covering the rays of happiness
Welcome to the hollow
The hollow that shut its door and caged every being it ever consumed
The hollow that innocently closes its fists tightly around your fingers
The hollow that is slowly victimising the world
And is the mirage you went running for in a desert of oblivion
Piled up will remind you of the tsunamis of emotions that have washed you over; the impact of which has spread beyond the tragedy and the scars of which go beyond the surface.Transcript:I still remember the first time I failedIt felt like the world endedLike a mirror shattered and its pieces lostIt was an experience I had never prepared myself forAfter all, recall the people you know who have failedYou only know their failures because they are successful nowMillions try and failKeep trying and keep failingI didn’t cry instantlyI remember the day you leftWithout a sign, without a notice, without a tearI sat in the alley all dayDidn’t speak a wordJust kept sittingI told myself, I didn’t need to cryI also remember the day when I was misunderstoodHow could you not believe meHow could you not understand meDo you even know meAnger seeped in through my veins and filled in my eyesBut I didn’t let it flow,How could I let it flowThe world did not want another weak personIt needed fighters, warriors, brave heartsPeople who could defy the ordinaryNot people who cried all daySocial media told me that everyone’s happyAnd that I Didn’t really need to be so snappyBut every night, after the lights go offAfter the world has dozed offAfter the virtual screen darkensIt sparklesIt sparkles in the darknessIt slowly creeps from the side of the bed I have always avoidedIt forms a cloud which I just cannot see throughA cloud which bursts bringing into reality all that I had piled upThe pain, the sorrow, the anger, the guilt, the regret.Sleep when it finally comes,Makes sure to remind me of piling up emotions the next dayIt tells me that the next night isn’t going to be any different.It tells me to wear my armour every day to bedAs the battle against the pile is a never ending one.