Downsizing: Recent Episodes
Tim Down
Took a bath before this episode to ease my sore muscles (it did nothing)
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
It already costs money to move my car, now I have to pay to not move it?
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Forgot to mention it but I was cooking eggs in a pan today and flipped both of them at the same time without a spatula so I guess what I'm saying is watch your back, Gordon Ramsay.
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They call me Kazuma-san because I dress bad and I don't know how to shop for presents
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Over under on how long it takes me to order food and pretend like I cooked it myself.....
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On the bright side if I destroy my knees I'll have plenty of time to dedicate to gaming
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Seriously though odds are pretty good I spill hot oil on myself before the end of the weekend.
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I'm honestly shocked the wheels didn't just completely fall off.
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Really having a hard time not calling every person in my life "big dog."
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Might ask my barber to give me a mohawk and see how he does...
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I just bought 40 vegetable spring rolls for 5 dollars and the only thing stopping me from earing them all is having to log the calories. The system works.
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Guys I got a poutine instead. Fried chicken is bad for you anyway
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I'm full to the brim with Christmas dinner and I couldn't think of a better time to have a little treat
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I'm like Ebert and Ropert if they were both one guy in their underwear sitting in their kitchen.
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I wore the same sweater to two events but promise not to tell anyone
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Gotta be careful not to throw up my charity all over the place.
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Seriously I think most of the people I email wouldn't pass a Turing test.
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The simple pleasures of not Googling every question that enters into my head cannot be overhyped.
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I also puked my guts out the next day, but that stays between you and me.
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My uncle asked how big my audience is and I let him know it's a bit of a cult... A cult following
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If you see me wearing trash bags when I'm out for a run mind your business.
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So wait when rappers talk about "ops" are they talking about Big Bobby Oppenheimer?
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Doing the episode in a fainting couch makes me feel like an aristocrat hallucinating he's talking to his therapist as part of a morphine bender.
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Ease off Johnny Law, nothing to see here.
Outro Song: Nothing!
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Itachi's still cool though
Outro Song: Fun Festival - Stardew Valley OST
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Literally might be dehydrated from the goddamn heat.
Outro Song: Harmonia - Rythem
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I'm going to become the Hokage, or at least Assistant District Hokage.
Outro Song: Wind - Akeboshi
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Once my legs heal I'm going to be dunking on guys twice my height.
Outro Song: Tow Truck Driver - Marty Ray Project
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Congratulations Mackenzie and Kyle!
Outro Song: Lovely Day - Bill Withers
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Gonna gain 30 pounds from pilk and cookies.
Outro Song: The Wicker Man - Iron Maiden
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You only look like an idiot if you get a sunburn on your face.
Outro Song: Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes
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Also I haven't been sunburned yet, which has to count for something
Outro Song: Florida - Modest Mouse
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Straight up I am pooped and bushwhacked.
Outro Song: Tired of Waking Up Tired - The Diodes
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I'm about to look vagrant pilled
Outro Song: Hostage - Chelsea Grin
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There's an argument to be made I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.
Outro Song: Sweet Baby Ray's Remix - Gravity Sound
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Maybe I'll finally get a bike.
Outro Song: Old Car - Whatever We Are
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If I lost power I would have just posted the transcript of this episode in the newspaper.
Outro Song: POWER - B.A.P.
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I'm about to start making Arthur Morgan thirst trap Tik Toks.
Outro song: Big Iron - Marty Robbins
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The podcast gods heard my cries and made it so easy to upload this episode. Now pay me $100,000,000 pls+ty
Outro song: Capybara - Sto-Lichnyj Ona-Nas
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Almost lost my mind trying to upload this episode, seconds away from cancelling the whole goddamn podcastOutro song: Cat Scratch Fever - Ted NugentPodcast art by Joey Rizk
Elon if you're listening you're still cringe but paypal me $$$
Outro Song: Money, Money, Money - ABBA
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My cat went on to try to eat more poison.... Dumb like his daddy
Outro Song: Take Me Out To The Ball Game - Frank Sinatra & Gene Kelly
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Here it is Justin sorry for the delay
Outro Song: Samurai Jack Theme - Will.i.am (I'm as surprised as you)
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Just in case anyone is confused my apology couldn't have been more sarcastic lol
Outro Song: Future Days - Pearl Jam
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Oh yeah Happy Valentines Day also. Probably don't listen to this the day it comes out, it's probably not the best thing to get you into the mood.... Unless it is, in which case, well, maybe make note for your therapist.
Outro Song: St. Valentine - Naomi John
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Lol omg just got an ad for the last of us show so spooky they heard me lol
Outro Song: I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
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Got some "hot" takes up front if you know what I'm saying hahahahaha
Outro song: 99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger
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My horoscope says I'm going to get so ripped they're going to start calling me paper.
Outro song: Your Horoscope For Today -"Weird Al" Yankovic
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I think if I could do a muscle up at my current weight I'd be a contender for strongest man alive.
Outro Song: Too Fat To Fly - Roger Alan Wade
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New year same me my brothers and sisters.
Outro Song: Happy - Pharrell
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Merry Christmas ya filthy animals
Outro Song: Christmas Wrapping - Glee
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I'm just saying, some of this silly goosery might actually work.
Outro Song: DOUBLE DUTCH - Charmaine
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I'm straight up the most bilingual podcaster on the market
Outro Song: Jacuzzi - Radio Radio
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I'm on a real spray and pray type jam if you know what I mean.
Outro Song: Bed Bugs - Amaroun
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Straight up about to do a hotel's worth of laundry ngl
Outro Song: Canned Heat - Jamiroquai
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I'm back and sicker than ever.
Outro Song: Cough Syrup - Young the Giant
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I quite literally am sweating from eating/
Outro song: Paradise Lost - Chihara Minori
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Forget exercise, getting to a point where you can talk to a real person in customer service is the only true test of endurance.
Outro song: Purple Lamborghini - Skrillex & Rick Ross
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Oh by the way it's Halloween. Didn't really mention it, but it is. To be clear, I do not wish you a happy Halloween, it is simply Halloween.
Outro song: Spooky Scary Skeleton Dance Remix - Nick Rodgers
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I'm like Superman for cats.
Outro song: Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
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My haters are my motivators dawg
Outro song: I Love Pumpkins! - Harry Kindergarten Music
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I just came across a clip from I guess a recent episode of Walking Dead where Rick is talking to cops in the present....? Like do they have infrastructure now? They have someone making decals and uniforms for police???
Outro Song: Your Man - Josh Turner
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Listen until the end to hear me talk about a book I sure couldn't include in the title of the episode!
Outro song: Nazi Punks Fuck Off - Dead Kennedys
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Damn Darude looks like Fred Durst if he was in A-ha.
Outro Song: Party Rock Anthem -LMFAO
With appearances by Sandstorm - Darude
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I watched a video today of a guy who ate his body weight in beans and I'm about to pop off...
Outro Song: Vyvanse - Grounders
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I might go ham and just straight up have a bubble bath, like I just don't give a damn haha
Outro Song: Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye
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I plan on getting so grossly muscular I look like Baki's older brother.
Outro Song: Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band
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I watch one episode of Better Call Saul and all of the sudden I'm an expert on scams.
Outro song: The Farmers' Market Song - Bullseye the Band
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What happened to Veta Scotia?
Outro song: Barrett's Privateers - Stan Rogers
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I'm going to get myself banned from the Maritimes.
Outro Song: Vacation - The Go-Go's
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Really just going full basement troll on this one.
Outro Song: Resonance - T.M. Revolution
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Think I might get myself sent to prison for the gym culture.
Outro Song: Glasses On - Collin Richardson
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Bro who knew sleep made you feel good?
Outro Song: Mr. Sandman - The Chordettes
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I legit spilled so much and I'm just going to go to bed and not clean it up because I am an adult, which means I have the freedom to behave like a child.
Outro Song: Limoncello - Skratch Bastid
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All this math makes me crave a nice heaping helping of Soylent Green.
Outro Song: Hakuna Matata - The Lion King
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So funny to say you're too fat for squats and deadlifts when powerlifters exist.
Outro Song: Oh...Canada - Classified
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I'm going to become The Avalanches of podcasting and just make an entire episode entirely out of samples of other podcasts.
Outro Song: Wedding March - BobMusic
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No seriously, I put the whole song at the end, listen to the lyrics. My man made an incel anthem. Is there a statute of limitations on being an extra-large creep-eroni pizza?
Outro Song: Invisible - Clay Aiken
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You can't demonetize a free podcast, suckers.
Outro Song: NARUTO DUBSTEP REMIX! - PUNYASO Tunes
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It takes every ounce of will I have to not just constantly imitate that one guy's snore. If you know you know. By which I mean you know it's the funniest thing in the world.
Outro Song: I'm Blue - Eiffel 65
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Finished the episode early but fell asleep on the couch, so now I'm posting at 2:30 am. Balanced, as all things should be.
Outro Song: Il est des notres - Michel Durand et son orchestre
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My new goal body is Ichigo Kurosaki. Or maybe that Lieutenant guy that's always eating chips...
Outro Song: Infected - Bad Religion
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I'm going to get a binaural microphone so you can really feel like I'm sucking the energy out of you at a party.
Outro Song: My Kitchen - Gucci Mane
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I'm having a hard time moving these days, I guess it's all the ice in my veins.
Outro song: I said it in the episode you silly goose
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Don't worry, I made sure to go after both people who could beat me up in person, and also people that could steal my identity online.
Outro song: Nightmare - Avenged Sevenfold
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I think I made my throat worse throughout this episode so never say I don't suffer for my art.
Outro Song: DJ Shithead - So Dumb
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Gonna straight up amputate my neck if it keeps acting out.
Outro Song: On The Precipice of Defeat - Shiro Sagisu
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It's a chilling thought that if I get assassinated right after posting this episode, my last words will be about how much it costs to de-bottle your asshole.
Outro Song: Tu vuò fa' l'Americano - Renato Carosone
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
I'm dummy thicc, but like in the British sense. That is to say, I'm a fucking idiot.
Outro Song: April Fools' - Rufus Wainwright
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I just realized this episode is book ended with fear. Good name for a Hardy Boy's novel by the way. Anyone remember the Hardy Boys? They're like if the Scooby Doo gang were Republicans.
Outro Song: Surfin' Bird - The Trashmen
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Unironically the end song is a bop Outro song: Corn - Blake Shelton Podcast art by Joey Rizk
Yo I'm straight up going to start a boba asmr tik tok
Outro Song: The Wheels on the Bus - Noodle and Pals
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Gonna go watch a movie named after me (Jackass lol).
Outro song: Testosterone - Bush
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Update: The crunch wraps were pretty tight (yeah I made two)
Outro song: Gordon Ramsay Remix - TWH
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Thinking about becoming a hentai model for the meme.
Outro Song: Tokyo Drift - Teriyaki Boys
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I think I'm going to create a tiktok account where I do all of the dances and the cute little trends, but the audio is just me unleashing a blood curdling scream for the entire video.
Outro song: Sharp Darts - The Streets
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
Literally doing the dishes as I post this because I'm straight up down to earth.
Outro song: The Dumb Song - Dale Watson
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I'm going to become the Magnus Carlsen of Tetris.
Outro song: Korobeiniki
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Answering some questions that certainly were directed at me.
Outro song: Like A Surgeon - Weird Al Yankovic
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I'm the dumbest person you know and I'm making great points.
Outro song: Livin' Fat - Fat Joe
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Might just fuck around and take real good care of myself.
Outro song: Sharp Dressed Man - ZZ Top
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Usually a deja vu is a glitch in the matrix; it means they changed something. In this case though, it's all because I changed nothing.
Outro song: Eye of the Tiger - Survivor
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I'm writing this the day after I recorded the episode so I don't remember a single syllable of what I said.
Outro song: Drummer Boy - Justin Bieber Ft. Busta Rhymes
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I think if this was a video podcast it would literally kill me.
Outro - My Dumbass
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Might want to give this one a listen all the way to the end fellas.
Outro Song: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee
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I'm just going to replace my entire diet with supplements and see how long I make it.
Outro song: Soda Pop - Britney Spears
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Can I get workers comp working remotely if I throw my back out in my living room during work hours?
Outro song: POWER by B.A.P.
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I'm going to mold chakra until I can finally use lose-weight-no-jutsu.
Outro song: One Piece Rap - Freshco
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If I say everything that isn't funny, the only things left to say will be funny.
Outro song: I Am Very Glad, as I'm Finally Returning Back Home - Eduard Khil
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They make paper towels, but why not towel paper? Why do I save all my good jokes for the episode description?
Outro song: Meow Mix Theme
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I'm going to mix pre-workout with melatonin so I can finally win fights in my dreams.
Outro song: It's Been Awhile - Staind
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Can't tell you how gutted I am about the fact that I only thought to make a joke about the V standing for "void cheque" after I finished recording.
Outro song: Butter - BTS
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"I've got some good ideas for some tik toks" said the guy far too close to his thirties to be on tik tok
Outro song: A Distinctive Sound - Gotye
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I'd run for office if it wasn't for the fact that I put all of this blackmail material on one place.
Outro song: Last Resort - Papa Roach X Jeris Johnson
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I'm just going to bulk for my entire life and deadlift 900 pounds when I'm 100.
Outro song: Wacky Dust - Ella Fitzgerald
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Bro I'm keto, so it's totally cool that I'm eating nothing but butter all day. Everyone loves butter anyway, I'm just cutting out the middle man bro.
Outro song: That's Amore by Dean Martin
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This week's episode is like if you combined Ozark, Breaking Bad, and an 8 year old reading out loud in class all into one incoherent package.
Outro song: Liposuction - Da Vinci's Notebook
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
You've heard of pre workout, but I do gi workout. It's where I do deadlifts in a karate gi. What did George St Pierre wear when he practiced karate? A guy. I'll see myself out.
Outro Song: I'm Fat - Weird Al Yankovic
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My new fitness goal is to become so fit that I become unlikable. Step 1: Become likeable
Outro song: Bad at Math - The Scary Jokes
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Doing a podcast by yourself is a bit like pissing your pants in your own home. There's no one to blame but yourself.
Outro song: Ramblin' Man - The Allman Brothers Band
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I hope to one day be successful enough to be in a position to embezzle. No I didn't look up how to spell it. Yes I did. Sorry I lied.
Outro song: Steak and Eggs - If you know, you know
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
I've been thinking about rebranding this podcast as an art piece. Which I think means I don't have to try to make it funny anymore.
Outro song: Canadian Idiot - Weird Al Yankovic
Podcast logo by Joey Rizk
Might fuck around and become the most influential artist of my generation.
Outro song: Concrete and Clay - Unit 4+2
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If a tree falls down in the forest, most likely it's because I sat on it.
Outro song: Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh - Allan Sherman
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If "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks," and "tricks are for kids," does it then follow that bitches are for kids?
Outro Song: Olympic Fanfare and Theme - John Williams
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
I'll know I've finally made it when I start talking about all the "haters" in my audience. Be sure to send all your hate mail to downsizingpod@gmail.com!
Outro song: The Old Apartment - The Barenaked Ladies
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
I'm just a Dwight looking for his stapler
Outro Song: Ham 'N' Egg - Tribe Called Quest
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I'm just a husky Connor McGregor
Outro song: Butterbean - The B52's
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My therapist said she feels like she could hand me a million dollars and even then I wouldn't react. I think that's her way of telling me I'm a bummer.
Outro Song: Kombucha - Soaky Siren
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I'm going to make merch that's just my face on a drink coaster and charge five thousand dollars for it. Actually no, I'll charge five million for an NFT of the coaster. No lowballers, I know what I got.
Outro song: George Shrinks Theme - My Dumb Ass
Logo by Joey Rizk
I've been thinking about buying a kilt. Not a tartan one, they make these like, battle kilts that quite frankly look really comfortable. I'm already wearing overalls everyday, I've got overall shorts that I almost fit into, a kilt isn't that much of a leap for me. And if I get told I can't wear it I'll just complain to the news, get on tv, and then I can plug the podcast! Wins all around.
Outro song: Pepsi Man Theme Song - JAMES&GANG
Podcast logo by Joey Rizk
Well hey if this whole podcasting thing doesn't work out I hear crime pays!
Outro Song: Candyman - Christina Aguilera
Logo by Joey Rizk
I think if I start selling merch it has to be as stupid as possible. Like no shirts, no hoodies, only underwear, zip ties, and tea kettles. All with the Downsizing logo, of course. Nothing says successful business model like a sickening degree of irony.
Outro song: Caillou Theme Song Remix - Attic Stein Beats
Logo by Joey Rizk
Do any of you know a good kombucha recipe? I got a starter kit, but I'm sure there's an upper limit to how good it can be. I want to make my own, but I don't want to go around throwing a bunch of spices into a jar and end up having to drink something that tastes like watery, spicy poison. So if you were going to give me a recipe for kombucha that tastes like that, well, don't.
Outro song: Potato Chips - Slim Gaillard
Logo by Joey Rizk
Hey guys, it's me again. I'm just wondering if you know what's cool right now. I'm a little out of the loop. Is it Dr. Marten's? What does based mean? Based on what? How old am I? I'm in my twenties. Yeah, no I know what was cool like two days ago I just don't know if it's the same, like, right now. That Bill Eilish guy? He's cool right? Yeah, okay cool thanks, uh, chief? Bro? Guy?
I don't know if I'm going to keep writing actual descriptions to these episodes. I mean everything you need to know is in the title. Maybe I'll use this section for philosophical ponderings. For example: if you're fully clothed, and submerged in a pool, and you pee, did you pee your pants? Or did you just pee in a pool and it doesn't count because your pants are already wet? Feel free to send me your thoughts.
End Song: The Hockey Song - Stompin' Tom Connors
Logo by Joey Rizk
This week I earn myself a sociology degree merit badge by taking a look at some of the causes of obesity. The Take2 Podcast is in full swing in this episode folks, buckle up!
End song: Thick Thighs - Priscilla Block
Logo by Joey Rizk
This week we switch things up a little bit and take stock of where we're at in this journey. Also belts, furries, and McDonald's.
End song: Junk Food Junkie - Larry Groce
Logo by Joey Rizk
This week I started a new podcast within the podcast, Take2! It's the podcast that tracks every time I flub a sentence and have to repeat it, often getting lost in the process. Merch for Take2 coming soon! As for Downsizing it's the usual, I talk a big game for a guy who isn't paying attention to anything, ever, and shoot from the hip with hot takes.
Outro song: Big and Chunky - will.i.am
Logo by Joey Rizk
This week is a portion controlled episode where I discuss anime, stunts, anime, the illuminati, and the food pyramid. My English is steadily improving, but my taste in media is not! Feast your ears on this big sucker!
Outro Song: Just a Lil' Thick - Trinidad James Ft. Lil Dicky, Mystikal
Podcast logo by Joey Risk
Tune in this week as I take shots at Guy Ritchie, ramble about diets, and provide an academic analysis of P90X
Outro Song: My Chick Bad - Ludacris Ft. Niki Minaj
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
Tune in this week to hear more doctor shit talk, as well as a food tour of all the foods that make your lip curl in disgust. Stay until the very end to hear me come apart completely!
Outro song: They Call Me Big Mamma - Big Mamma
Logo by Joey Rizk
Tune in this week where I discuss some anime, some soccer (football if you're nasty), and I try to determine if I ever even spoke English in the first place. Keep your ears peeled for "gore was scoald," a little easter egg for you!
End song: I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore - The Snake Oil Willie Band
Logo by Joey Rizk
This is the technical difficulty special edition of Downsizing where, from a production standpoint, I figuratively slip and fall down a muddy hill. Along the way I discuss the history of gyms, which includes nude men, priest fights, and gymnastics.
End song: Body - Megan Thee Stallion
Podcast art by Joey Rizk
Tune in this week as I talk about the intersection of drugs and pee in a scientifically illiterate state of delirium!
Outro song: Heavyweights - Fat Joe, Big Pun, 8Ball
Logo by Joey Rizk
This week I talk about breaking some rules, what it takes to be a karateka, and something that almost made me throw up!
End song: Tempo - Lizzo
This week I give what turns out to be a far too brief review of my week, followed by a survey of a variety of perplexing fad diets. Plus a staple of early podcast episodes: ads that have drastically different audio quality than the rest of the show! Enjoy!
Have you ever wanted to follow a weight loss journey of someone you don't know, completely in audio form so you can't actually see the progress? Then this is the podcast for you! Come along with me, Tim Down, as I try to lose 100 of my 300 pounds! This first episode outlines my plan for weight loss, and is the first step towards me slowly unravelling as a person.