Influence Every Day

(Sometimes) Face The Problem By Not Facing The Person Dealing with an alpha personality in a vulnerable situation, body language can help a lot. And how you design the setting can make "safer" body language easier.

In this podcast episode we discuss a story of a young woman serving as a new CEO, while the organization retained the founding CEO and scientific lead.

I had been working with her on influence and leadership skills - public speaking, rapport, persuasion, and persuasion. Now she needed help. With a super small tweak, the old CEO's entire response and subsequent behavior changed.

Same difficult conversation. Just a different setup.

The popular "literature" out there (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, etc) oftentimes says, "Lean in." They say, "Make direct eye contact."

Well, guess what? That doesn't always apply. For sure, most of the time, those things are great advice, but not all the time. And so we always need to have this little caveat where you adjust for context.

Eye contact may not be the best path forward... Meaning you have to be judicious about it. Haven't you ever seen movies where 2 men are having a vulnerable, open discussion? They're not looking at each other.

They're looking at a game on the sidelines. They're watching a football game on TV and they're and they're having this conversation. They're on a porch or they're by a lake or by a river, fishing, golfing, or they're out playing whatever sport, and they're having this conversation while they're not making eye contact.

Coffee shops are great for this. Why? Because if you pick a seat along the wall, you can both lean back on your chair and sort of put your arm up and not face each other for part of the time and face each other part of the time. And it's a non-threatening stance.

But when your shoulders are square, you're leaning in and your eyes are right in. That can be experienced as threatening, depending on who it is and what the context is.

Make It Safe In this case, a walking meeting changed everything for her.

If you have a walking meeting, first of all, you're not facing each other by definition. You can also choose the setting. It can be along the water, it can be in a path through a park with trees and birds chirping.

The point here is sometimes you face it by not facing. You face the problem by not facing the person.

(1) Context is Everything It really matters when you apply this. This doesn't apply to all situations. Try this specifically when you have an alpha personality who is being challenged or who is being vulnerable.

(2) Be Natural Whenever you face the problem by facing away from the person, it MUST be natural.

Appearing distracted or as if you're avoiding eye contact will destroy rapport and that will essentially disrupt the entire thing.

(3) Look To A Better Future Use the fact that you're looking away as if you're looking out into the future. Get there. Focus on that future state. Now is not the time to focus on all of the stuff leading up to this point, especially if someone is vulnerable. Get them to a better place.

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If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77
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Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.

[ If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ]

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Conversations As Campaigns, Not Events Have you ever heard the phrase, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"?

Well, there's a corollary. The best teachers lay the groundwork to make the student ready.

Sometimes we're too impatient. Sometimes we think we have to solve all the world's problems in this one conversation.

It is true that a super powerful reframe can create a pivot in someone's life and completely change their trajectory. In fact, that's a learnable skill (reframing and frame management) that, if practiced over time, can become a habit. Master and habitualize this skill others will be magnetized to you.

Why? Because every time they're around you, they get better.

Have Realistic Expectations About Conversations Give yourself some grace. Stop thinking that every single conversation has to be a moment of pivotal transformation. It's not going to be that way. We have such high expectations that we think we have to address all of the issues. We have to change everything right here and now.

If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, though, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77

Perhaps you have a friend that's going through something or somebody that has a habit that you want to change. Maybe it's a teenage child of yours or a sibling or an estranged relative, a spouse. There's something you want to change in there and you want to address it and you want to address all aspects of it right now. Perhaps you have a colleague and there's a difficult conversation and or a pattern of behavior. And you want to address all of them.

You don't have to do them all in one conversation. We tend to beat ourselves up when we don't accomplish everything we set out to do.

Reframing Your Own View Of Conversations Our own lens on conversations needs to reframe. Because your conversations and your interactions are episodes in a series. It's not one-off. It's not one-and-done. It's not "it's not over when the conversation is over."

Your conversations are powerful if you view them not as events, but as a campaign. That particular interaction is but one sliver of that longer-term interaction relationship campaign.

Sometimes conversations might be:

Establishing rapport (and that's enough... wonderful, in fact)
Maintaining rapport
Changing a mood
Teaching
Learning
Listening
Allowing someone to vent, cry, scream or celebrate
Allowing someone to plan out loud
Etc etc

Conversations have a bunch of different flavors, but overall, they're not one-offs. They are events in the middle of a longer campaign. They are slivers of time on a longer timeline. And when you view them as such, you can see that going back to when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you're that teacher, you're planting seeds all along the way. You're making the ground fertile for those seeds to grow. That is a better way of viewing your conversations, whether it's you're trying to raise a child or have a great relationship with your spouse or succeed at work or in school.

You don't need to boil the ocean. You don't need to solve all the world's problems. You don't need to convert somebody from left to right or right to left or whatever your position is on something. You merely need to plant seeds. You merely need to make the ground fertile for those seeds to grow.

This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.

[ If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ]

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(Not So) Small Talk and... the Gold Rush? Samuel Brannan was California's first millionaire. He made his millions during the Gold Rush, but he didn't do it by finding gold. Rather, he mined the periphery.

While everyone was focusing on gold. Samuel Brannan focused on the periphery. He focused on what was adjacent to (but just outside of) their opportunity radars. He sold shovels. In fact, he bought up all of the shovels for miles... all of them.

With all of these people coming to California trying to find gold, trying to find their fortunes, Samuel Brannan asked, "What do they need?" He mined the periphery and in the periphery, he found a need for shovels.

Small Talk Can Be Awkward and It Can Be Difficult, But Small Talk Isn't Small

What else is in our periphery that is of extreme value? Often viewed as "off to the side", "extra", "useless", or "small" - Small talk isn't small at all.

Small talk is a potential goldmine. It's the thing that tells you where the gold is.

Small Talk As A Hallway Of Doors Imagine small talk as a hallway full of doors. You can walk through one door and it can lead to conflict and argumentation and difficult discussions. Other doors, though, are potential connections, these potential gold mines.

Walk through the door where there is potential connection. Connection leads to rapport, which is where the magic happens.

In the conversational hypnosis model of conversation. You can imagine a series of concentric rings, and outside of these concentric circles is when somebody is nearby but not engaged. And then the edge of the circle is the greeting. After the greeting, there's typically small talk. You can bounce around to different topics really quickly, and then the interaction ends and you move on. No big deal.

Where The Magic Happens - The Change Agent of Change Agents If rapport is established though, that moves you deeper into the circle, towards deeper connection, deeper intimacy - the place where magic happens. Deep rapport is where the best of your relationships, the best of human connection occurs. In fact, rapport is the flow state of human-human connection.

Once a rapport is established, that's the change agent of change agents. That is the place where growth and love and connection and all those things occur. Once you have rapport, you're typically in a space where you can potentially have deeper talk.

In the conversational hypnotherapy model and in actually most therapy models in the deeper states of rapport and connection, they look for problem states and they look for resource states. Then they basically help that person connect those two - and ultimately solve their own problems. (Typically with a powerful reframe)

Every single time you are in small talk, you have the potential to get slightly deeper and make someone's month. Why? Because you can give a gift - the gift of a transformational change.(In hypnotherapy, we often call them "hypnotic gifts" - where you give a gift to somebody)

When you give a powerful reframe in a moment of deep connection and rapport, you change someone's life forever. It can be a pivot moment, and by "moment" I mean moment. It can occur in a sliver of time. Someone's entire life can pivot on a single moment. And small talk is your doorway to those moments.

Your job in small talk:

Assess whether you even want to get deeper.
Get curious. View it as a hallway of doorways. Which one would you like to walk through?
Go deeper and you have the potential to change your life and the life of the person you're talking to.

Small talk is not so small. It is an opportunity. In fact, go to DrTori.com or InfluenceEverywhere.com. There's an opportunity to take a super micro-course on how to change someone's life in a single conversation. And in that conversation, I give an example of a pivotal moment that occurred in small talk by quickly accelerating into rapport from small talk.

Small Talk Now, Deep Rapport Later? Ask yourself, how can I optimize my small talk with other people to either establish rapport now or to establish a rapport later?

When you're talking, you're bouncing around to different topics and even these like super mundane topics or and somebody mentions like an event or something that's occurring, you know, their daughter is getting married or they're going on a trip or their mom had surgery, whatever. The thing is, they mention it. If you ask about it later, you just say, "Hey, I'm just... I was curious. I was thinking about you the other day. How did your mom's surgery go?" Now that is a establishing rapport later with a small talk doorway that you saw earlier.

Small talk is only small if you want it to be small. It's only small if you look at it that way. You have the power to use small talk, to make magical moments in people's lives, including your own.

I hope you found this helpful. Get curious and look at small talk is not so small. I'll see you in the next episode.

Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day.

Do You Want To Take Your Conversations To The Next Level? Go to: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 - There's a free micro-course called How To Induce Powerful Change In A Single Conversation

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011 Whine and Moan? Or Glad To Be Home? Your Choice influence-011-glad-to-be-home-04-audio.mp3

One of our biggest problems in communication is that we tend to do things off-the-cuff, without planning, and without being very deliberate.

Imagine you've had an absolutely awful day and you're just arriving home now. You have a choice to make.

Start off complaining - detailing all of the things that went wrong... or
Start off being glad to be home - and maybe later getting to the details.

If you go in and you complaining, complaining, complaining, you're setting a context. You're shaping the environment. I promise you you'll have one type of evening.

But that's not the only response there is to an awful day. A far better response is to walk in after an awful day... All of the same stuff could have happened, maybe even worse. And when you walk in through that door and somebody asks, "Hey, how was your day?" Your response can be, "[Long sigh] Oh, let's just say I'm really glad to be home." Something like that. A completely different evening. I promise you. Same bad day. Perhaps even the same venting later, but a very different evening.

Why? Because being glad to be home is very different than barging in and complaining.

When you're glad to be home there's a sense of relief.
When you're glad to be home it's about them.
When you're glad to be home, you're present.

Now, it's not easy, especially if you had a tremendously awful day. What do YOU need to do to be glad to be home? What will it take?

Deep breathing exercises
Go for a walk
Pray
Meditate
Jot down a few things you're grateful for
Listen to your favorite song
Listen to some comedy
Think of a fond memory you shared with the person you're about to see
...whatever works for you

I actually have a little book that I keep where I write down one or two or three or five things that I'm grateful for about my wife. When I'm able to do that, it gets me centered. And guess what? If I can't even think of any in that moment after a difficult day, I'll start reading the ones I wrote before, and that gets me into a very different state.

When I walk in through that door, when I grab that doorknob, I am actually glad to be home. I'm not just glad to be away from work. I'm present. I'm glad to be with my wife. I'm glad to be with my kids. It's a very different evening.

My question to you is, after an awful day, what will it take for you to be glad to be home?

Whatever it is, DO IT.

Do whatever it takes for you to get into the optimum state. I'll tell you, the optimum state is not barging in complaining. That is not the optimum state anywhere. So what will it take for you to be glad to be home? Do that thing.

See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

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010 Anxiety and Intentional Attention Throughout my time running a peer support network for healthcare workers (2020-2022 during the pandemic), there was one exercise that was repeatedly cited as super helpful. The "5-4-3-2-1" exercise. The premise is simple...

How To Perform The 5-4-3-2-1 Exercise for Stress Reduction First, look around you and pick five things you can see. Go through them one by one, allowing yourself to experience each one. Then, do the same thing with four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two things you can smell and, finally, one thing you can taste.

5 things you can SEE
4 things you can HEAR
3 things you can FEEL
2 things you can SMELL
1 thing you can TASTE

Pay Attention to Attention (It's Important) We can only put our attention on 5-9 things at a time and this exercise helps us divert it from what was bothering us. Usually, we don't even get to smell or taste because, by that time, our attention is elsewhere and we are physiologically resetting.

This is especially helpful when we are anxious about something that we cannot act on at that moment. But even if we could, stress wasn’t going to help us take action.

Be Intentional About Where You Direct Your Attention Remember; where attention goes, energy flows. And that thing grows. Beware of negative, anxiety-producing input. If you consume negative content, it will only grow bigger in your mind. Think: Where are you spending (or perhaps even wasting) your attention? Where are you investing your attention?

Use your attention deliberately. Invest it in something that is growth-oriented. Every input counts, even if it’s just background noise.

Do you have a question about influence? Ask Dr. Tori

See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

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Toggling Empathy - For Deeper Influence and A Better Path Forward influence-009-toggling-empathy-02-audio.mp3

I am an empath extremist; I feel what others feel and I extend it beyond them. If it's joy, I feel it and I’m able to see its downstream implications. If it's trauma, I can see downstream, and extrapolate, and I feel that too. This is both a strength and a strength overdone.

Over the years I’ve developed the skill of toggling empathy from full on to standby, when that would be most optimal (for the person I’m talking to AND for me).

When empathy is on standby, it affords you the ability to see the positive when all is negative, and assess for negative when all is positive. If you leave it full on during negative emotions, it can be devastating. And if you leave it full on during positive emotions, you can miss a negative potential future.

Don't ever turn it off. Empathy makes us human. It makes our relationships whole. It makes us work together toward a common good.

Put it on standby so that you will still have access to it. You don't want possibility blindness. In extreme emotions we can't see other possibilities; in extreme celebration we can't see the potential dangers and in extreme negativity we can't see the potential benefits.

Feel what others are feeling, show them that better place, and help them get there. Toggle empathy from full on to standby and back again.

Recommended Book: Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by BJ Fogg - https://amzn.to/3PItb8s

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

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End-of-Life Reflections influence-008-end-of-life-reflections-01-audio.mp3

For nine years, I managed patients before and after cardiac surgery and noticed that every single person – no matter their culture, gender, age, language, or socioeconomic background – was worried about the same three things:

God,
Family, and
How they treated other people.

At those end-of-life moments (if given the opportunity), people reflect on their relationships and how they treated others, perhaps at moments where it seemed insignificant. What do we do with those fond memories and those times of regret? Well, start now.

Who do you have to reach out to that you haven't spoken to in a while? Who should you connect with? Tell somebody you appreciate them. Thank somebody that did something for you. Imagine someone reaching out to you, telling you they were thinking about you, or talking about you, or praying for you. Those moments are gold. Don't let them slip by.

The beauty of regrets is that we can act on them by changing our behavior. Even if you can't find that person to say “I'm sorry” or if you didn't leave somebody in the best of ways and maybe they passed on, you can still treat other people better, or take a characteristic that was awesome about them and pay it forward.

Recommended Book: The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel Pink

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

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Two-Do: ToDo Lists & How To Skyrocket Your Productivity (& Mood) Managing your to-do list has the potential to change how you respond to the world, how you show up, and even who you are. How is that possible? Your state is affected when you get things done in the right way, in the right order, and with the right energy.

Here's what I recommend:

Set time aside and make sure you are alone.
Brain dump everything that you have to do at home, at work, and with your relationships. Write down everything, whatever it is.
Separate the tasks into two columns, one for the things you like to do and one for the things you don't.
Spend time on the ones you like.
Spend money on the ones you don't.

You can outsource tasks at freelancing sites. If you cannot afford that, delegate those tasks to people on your team or to somebody who happens to love doing that thing. Even if they don’t do the task for you, you will be able to learn from them. If you can’t outsource or delegate, eliminate the tasks.

Every time you have something to do, here are your choices:

Do it great.
Delegate.
Automate.
Eliminate.

Complete your to-do list by spending time on the things you like, and money on the ones you don't. That way you will be productive while spending time on the things you love.

Try it. It will transform your life.

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How Rapid Reframes Can Change Lives Almost In An Instant ... (and you can make it a habit) After demonstrating the power reframes can have on our own emotions in episode 001, the obvious pushback would be, "Yeah, but how is this practical? It's all well and good in a made-up imagery session. I just don't see it working in the real world."

Well, ok, here are some examples from the real world - these are my personal examples, so I am intimately familiar with them. More importantly, though, I deliberately practiced rapid reframing until it became a habit. These stories are examples of major pivots in real-time. These moments weren't planned out, so I didn't have time to elegantly craft the best possible reframe language to use. Instead, this "rapid reframe habit" was able to capitalize on unexpected moments of opportunity and turn them into magical gifts.

Story #1 - Angry With Someone? Get Present With The Future Many times, when our emotions flood - when they become all-consuming - it's because we have applied meaning to something. If those emotions are unwanted (or maybe even destructive in a particular situation) sometimes the most impactful reframe is to change the meaning. This is especially the case with worry, fear, or anger.

In this story, I went from alone and angry to a room full of friends and family enjoying themselves less than an hour later... by changing meaning. Here's what happened:

My wife, my six children and my wife spent pretty much the entire day preparing for a gathering of friends and their families at our place. Hours of prep.

About 20 minutes before the guests were due to arrive, I walked into the living room and it was a hot mess. Cushions were off the couches splayed across the floor. A sheet hung from one of the lights and was pinned to the wall. Toys everywhere. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E.

At first, I started boiling. Emotions flooded.

No one else was in the room at that moment. I felt the flood and, for me, I have a habit of checking in when I feel the flood. I took a moment to experience how angry I was. Then I got curious.

That's my check-in habit:

Feel the flood
Experience the emotion for a moment
Get curious... What does this mean? What else might it mean?

Sometimes anger is a great emotion. It's necessary. But not while I'm safe and secure in my home. And certainly not 20 minutes before the guests arrive. It will change nothing for the better. I have to change my state.

Rapid reframes are great for changing states.

What would've happened if I didn't change my state? What would be the downstream consequences if I called all the kids in and started shouting at them, grounding them, revoking privileges, etc? Kids would be crying as I shouted while we furiously cleaned up.

Then the guests would arrive and the kids would have dirt-streaked tears running down their faces with that post-cry pant and a perpetual frown. They'd probably get stubborn about other stuff I asked them to do and I'd get angrier. I would greet the guests as if nothing happened, but there'd be no hiding it. So, it would get awkward for them.

What did I do? I got curious. "What does this mean?"

"Does it mean disrespect?"

"Does it mean that they don't understand?"

"Does it mean that they just, like, completely flew in the face of it? They just don't care?" Does it mean that?

Or could it mean that I have a lively household that honestly, I should be grateful? I have six healthy kids who play together and yeah, the room's a mess. We have 20 minutes. But you know what? A lot of times people come late. We have time to clean up.

At that moment, I reflected that in about 15 years, this room will be exactly the way I left it the last time I walked out of it. Now at least there's a sense of vibrancy and life. And people are there. And my kids are home because in 15 years they won't be. Maybe they'll be married, they'll be studying. They'll be somewhere else. I took it as a moment to reframe for gratitude. So take anger and reframe it.

Here's what ensued: I put a laundry basket in the corner of the room. I called them all into the room. I lined them up. "Ok guys, see that basket over there? Okay, we have 45 seconds to put all the toys in there. Hey Siri, set a timer for 45 seconds." We started shooting baskets and we were seeing who could hit a shot from the furthest away.

Then, "Okay. Okay, let's put the cushions back on the couch! Ten, nine, eight, seven..." (A countdown does wonders, btw)

It became a game. We had fun before our friends came over, and that set up more fun later. When the guests came over, they were in a much better mood. So was I.

(For those of you wondering if I live in some fairytale household where kids can get away with anything... No, I don't. But in this instance, it was better to take corrective action later - when I was in a better state and when there were no deadlines for the conversation to end)

Story #2 - Turning "Impossible" Into "Whoa! How Fast Can You Do It Now?" I was sitting on my couch and it's not too far from the kitchen. I heard two of my older girls talking, "This is impossible. I know right? This is literally impossible."

From the other room, I barked, "Whoa, whoa, who just said that? Who just said that word?"

"What word? We didn't say anything."

"That word. Impossible. Who said that?"

"It's this cube, this Rubik's Cube thing, you know, it's impossible. We both said it."

I said, "I don't ever want to hear that word in this house. You know how I feel about that, right? About saying things are impossible. When you were born, I literally registered your domain names so that you could potentially maybe I don't know, maybe you'll become president. Maybe you'll become, you know, governor, maybe you'll be a celebrity. So I registered your domain name so your competitors don't get it. Don't tell me something's impossible. Find a way.".

They rolled their eyes simultaneously and the older of the two said, "Yeah, find a way. Okay, you do it." And she threw me the Rubik's Cube. And, I didn't know how to solve it.

(yet)

So what did I do? After they were like, "Yeah, see? told you so, blah, blah, blah," I logged into Amazon and I ordered two "speed cubes", the type used in competitions. I watched videos over the weekend on how to solve the Rubik's Cube. I learned the patterns. Two-to-three days later, I went to them and I showed them that I could solve it.

And then what happened? I taught a few of the kids and we started competing to see who could finish the fastest.

Demonstration is a means to reframe. When somebody completely sees the opposite of what they thought, it can be shocking. There will be another episode on Pattern Interrupts, but it can shock people into a different frame.

It went from impossible to how quickly can we solve it? Not from impossible to possible, but impossible to how quickly can we get it done? And then it got to the point where we were within only a few minutes of being able to solve the puzzle.

"There must be a better way" - Steve Jobs (allegedly reported multiple times in a single meeting)

Story #3 - Not So Small Talk Something that appeared to be small talk turned into a transformative, life-changing moment... and, actually, you can do the same thing for people you love.

When you love someone, you want to see them make the best decisions. You want them to have success in every realm of their lives. You want the best for them, right?

Well, understanding what happened in this next story may provide the spark for you to do just that. Rather than just spelling it out here, I turned it into a micro-course. A few free short videos:

Help your loved ones to make better decisions
They'll change their behavior because they want to ... not because you told them
Not only that... they'll think it was their idea

ACTION ITEM:

Register for the Powerful Change In A Single Conversation micro-course. At first, it was just small talk. But in the end, at least two lives were dramatically changed for the better.

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Can wearing a mask help you improve your public speaking abilities? Absolutely.

If you were to look at the advice that coaches and public speaking trainers give those who are learning to be better public speakers or to improve their skills, that advice that's given to them is the same advice that someone would give to establish rapport and connection from behind a mask. The tips that they give to both of those groups are the same. So let's go over those.

My name is Dr. Tori with Influence Everywhere. I'm an expert and influence, persuasion, body language and rapport for improving your relationships and improving behavior change.

When you're wearing a mask, it's an opportunity to practice. Let’s go over three quick things that you can practice every time you wear a mask. These are three tools in your speaking tool belt that you can improve upon while wearing a mask. Do that and you will improve your public speaking skills.

3 - Use the Qualities of Your Voice Your voice is an incredible tool. It is an asset. Your voice has many qualities that can be altered, adjusted and changed in such a way that it improves your ability to establish rapport and to convey ideas.

Sometimes, our communication falters due to the qualities of voice. For example, we might be speaking at a normal volume, then trail off at the end. That portion of what we said isn't heard well and gets misunderstood. Either it's not heard at all or it's misheard. The other person may think you said something else entirely..

You may have heard of “voice coaches”. They help people who are either improving their voice for singing or actors and actresses as they imitate a singer or imitate another person.

Your voice is not something that is static. You can change it and voice coaches can help to adjust the many components of your voice - not just volume. Volume is extremely important, by the way, especially when speaking from behind a mask, because you don't have the benefit of reading lips. So your volume is important, but there are other important voice qualities - There's pitch, there's tone, there's melody, there's pace / cadence, etc.

Your voice is an incredible tool. How you use it has deep impact on your ability to establish rapport and engage others.

When you are speaking to someone from behind your mask, try adjusting your voice. This is especially the case if they ever say “I'm sorry?” and lean forward as if they're trying to listen a little more. You're just not loud enough. So change your volume.

If they're not engaged, perhaps you need to change the pace. Maybe it would help to speak faster or, even better, to vary the pace. Or maybe you need to slow down and have some pauses. Or maybe you need to use silence after making an important point.

In real-time, you can vary the pitch and the melody and all these things as you speak. This helps you maintain engagement. And this is something that public speakers are being taught all the time - not just for video, but also for the stage. Meetings too. Your voice matters.

Go ahead and look up voice coaches. Try to find more information on the top tips from voice coaches and things like that. Look for videos and podcasts, especially. There's a person I absolutely recommend, Roger Love. He has a whole host of materials, courses, and coaching out there. There's enough free stuff out there, by him alone, that is enough to completely change how you communicate from behind a mask.

Keep this in mind: Every time you communicate from behind a mask, you have an opportunity to improve your voice for public speaking.

2 - Squeeze the Meaning Out of Your Words I used to have a hypnotherapy teacher who would say, “You have to squeeeeeeze the meaning out of the words.” Squeeze the meaning out of the words.

Say it,

Express it,

And move your body in ways that are consistent with it.

Convey the meaning of the word with all of your means of expression - your body, with your facial expressions, and with your voice. Remember… they will not be able to read your lips from behind a mask. Using all of your means of expression is also what you should do when public speaking.

Another example: “That meeting was sooooo loooooong.” Say the word “long” in a way that conveys its very meaning..

It's a long duration. Right? “It went on for...eveeeeerrrrrr.”

The expression itself conveys the meaning. The manner in which you say it. HOW you say it, NOT just WHAT you say. How you say it conveys the meaning of the word.

It’s not limited to single words. It could also be a phrase or an entire paragraph. If you're talking about life during COVID-19, for example, “Oh gosh. March just felt like it went on for sooooo looooong. But then everything after that was so quick-paced. One thing after another, after another after another.” (with the italicized part being spoken at a super-quick pace)

The words have meaning. And the way you say it conveys that meaning.

1 - Exaggerate Your Emotion Now, the most important of these three tips would be to over-emphasize emotion.

When you are behind the mask, if you exaggerate emotion, it will show more in your eyes, your eyebrows, your neck, your body.

When you are on stage speaking, the same thing goes. There's a saying among public speaking trainers, “The larger the stage, the larger the emotion.” The larger the stage, the larger the emotion, the more exaggerated the emotion.

If you’re on a stage speaking to 15,000 people, that requires a lot more energy, enthusiasm, and vibrancy than a stage in front of 15.

So, too, with using a mask. If you want to establish deep connection and rapport while keeping people engaged from behind your mask, you have to bring a different kind of energy of expression. When you are conveying an emotion,

Over-emphasize it.

Over-feel it.

Over-express it.

This is the case whether you are expressing concern or excitement, elation or disgust, anger or joy. Doesn’t matter. Behind a mask, it has to be a little larger than life.

One good place learn from others is through superhero movies. Spider-Man, Deadpool, and these sort of things where they have a complete facial covering. Pay close attention. When they're wearing that full mask, how do they convey emotions? You'll see, especially in those movies that have all the full range of emotions. Like fear and and sort of jokes and sarcasm and deep concern and empathy. Those sort of characters that are wearing a full mask and express the full range of emotions are the best to learn from. You can learn a lot from their acting., especially Deadpool, Spider-Man, and even some of the Star Wars movies. You can look at their body language and look at how they exaggerate things.

Exaggerate the emotion from behind a mask. Exaggerate the emotion when you're on stage.

Deliberate Practice If you want to improve a skill, you need to have deliberate practice. If you complain about the mask along with everyone else, you will miss this opportunity. While you're wearing your mask, you have an opportunity to improve your public speaking skills by simply focusing on these three things.

Anytime you want to improve a skill, you need to practice.

Check out the recent episode of Influence Every Day where we discuss this in more depth: 003 Deliberate Practice Because Practice Makes... What?

ACTION ITEM:

Pick one of these 3 tools. Deliberately practice it for the next week.

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Body language can be cause AND effect. For example, when we have rapport with someone, we tend to exhibit certain behaviors (matching, mirroring, eyebrow flash, etc). If we want to establish rapport, we can start by intentionally exhibiting those same behaviors.

So it is with listening.

When you are listening intently, you will show the 3 behaviors covered here. Likewise, when you want to listen intently (but aren’t doing so), you can exhibit these 3 behaviors and you will begin to listen more intently.

Let's cover the 3 components of the body language of listening:

#1 Slightly Tilt Your Head Component number one is to slightly tilt your head.

Think about it. You've seen many animals, right? If they hear a sound, there's something that's interesting. What do they do? They tilt their heads. They move their ears. They angle themselves to hear the thing better. Right? You’ve seen cute pictures of kittens or puppies that when a sound is made and they cock their head.

You actually do the same. Don’t do it abruptly like they do when they first hear the sound. But with your head slightly tilted to the side.

#2 Expose Your Neck Component number two is to expose the neck.

By “expose your neck”, I don't mean exposed skin per se. If you're wearing a headscarf or a neck scarf or anything like that, that's fine. Open up the space between the chin and the chest - no matter what you’re wearing.

Why does this help? Well, let's go back to animals…

Have you ever seen a cat or a dog stretch its underbelly or act like it wants to be rubbed? It only does that when it trusts the person there. Right?

They only do that at a time of trust, at a time of safety, at a time of comfort.

It’s the same thing for us with our necks. Now, we're not necessarily asking other people to rub our necks, LOL. But when we feel safe and when we feel comfortable, we slightly expose our neck. This is something we do normally.

When we are uncomfortable, we tend to cover it. We might put our hand over our chin. We might play with a necklace. We may pull the collar forward or a vest forward or a jacket forward or put something between us. We might cover our chest and the lower portion of our neck.

Here’s why: your neck is loaded with vital equipment - your airway, your esophagus, your spine, your jugulars and your carotids. It's an essential area.

It is so vital, it's where predators attack their prey. They go for the neck.

We protect it when we're uncomfortable and we expose it when we're comfortable.

So by doing step number one is to slightly cock the head. Step number two is to open up the space, to slightly expose the neck. When you do so, you're conveying that you feel safe and that it is safe. And therefore, the other person feels it.

Remember. People experience body language. They're not sitting there saying to themselves, “Oh, wow. She's tilting her head and exposing her neck.” We're not doing that. We're not calculating their body language. We're experiencing it.

When you expose your neck, you are inducing an experience that it is safe here.

#3 Nod Your Head Component number three is to nod. Simply nod at certain points in the conversation. Nodding is an indication of agreement and/or understanding. We do it naturally.

BONUS #4 Reflect The Emotion Being Expressed If there were to be a fourth main component, it would be to express the emotion that the other person is expressing. Mirror their emotion.

If they expressed that they recently lost a loved one, feel that. If you feel it, you will reflect the emotion of experiencing loss.

Recap of the Essential Components of the Body Language of Listening: 1. Tilt your head slightly 2. Expose your neck 3. Nod 4. Reflect the Expressed Emotion

Listening occurs while you are silent. But when your voice is silent, your body language is saying:

“You are safe.”
“I hear you.”
“I’m interested in what you are saying.”
“I care.”

If you ever find yourself not in a mood to listen - you're distracted, you're thinking about other things - start with the body language of listening. Start by just slightly exposing your neck a bit and tilting your head. Then nod appropriately. Express appropriate emotion. Do this and you will tend to listen better.

Now go do it. Start with the very next interaction you have.

[See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.]

[If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com]

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Deliberate Practice Because Practice Makes... What?

With any new skill, we begin unconsciously incompetent. Not only can we not perform the activity, but we don’t even know its relevance. A period of discovery follows. We become consciously incompetent. We know something is important but we still do not know how to do it.

Then, learning begins, usually with the help of someone competent (even better if it’s a coach), until we become consciously competent. Now, we know how to do something but we have to be focused on the steps while doing it. When we no longer have to be attentive to the activity in order to perform it, we are unconsciously competent.

This automaticity comes after deliberate practice. Practice is extremely important but if we practice the wrong thing, we become automatic at the wrong thing. This is why a coach is often needed.

How can we practice influence, persuasion, rapport, body language, engagement, and behavior change? We can practice through our everyday interactions. Observe others’ body language in specific situations and jot down some notes. Everyone’s reaction will be slightly different but there are common themes that will help you get better at detecting and understanding body language. The best place to start learning body language is to practice detecting discomfort.

If you want to get good at any skill, focus on deliberate, optimized practice, ideally with a coach.

Go to InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

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What can a fun ice-breaker teach us about discomfort, misunderstanding, and anywhere our communication goes wrong? How can we take a simple game and use it to improve our most important relationships?

Have you heard of ‘2 Truths in a Lie’? It’s a game where you say two truths and a lie about yourself and other people have to detect the lie. The game is simple but detecting deceit is not. To effectively evaluate body language there are a few things you need to keep in mind.

Context: sometimes we focus so much on our content that we neglect the context. It is not enough to deliver your message. You have to realize that your message is being received. Pay attention to the comfort level of the people you are interacting with – that is who you are there to serve.

X does NOT equal Y: a single expression of body language is not enough to derive meaning. There are multiple reasons why somebody may act a particular way, sometimes completely unrelated to you.

Look for change: pay attention to your interactions, spot changes and get curious. Don’t apply meaning to the change. Consider what might have caused it and ask yourself what you can do about it.

Evaluate the context, understand others’ comfort levels, and avoid applying meaning to changes. Instead, seek them out and get curious – this is a great skill to master to understand body language and adjust your communication in real time.

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The Influence Every Day podcast will change the way you see your world. This episode introduces the idea of how frames shape our emotions and our experiences. Changing the frame and you change the world - or at least how we respond to it.

Influence Every Day: Recent Episodes

Dr. Ed Tori

If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, though, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77