Inspiration from the Couch: Recent Episodes
Avery Hoenig, PhD, Jamie Wilson, PhD, and Lucy Smith, PhD
Ever wonder what tools and advice psychologists are inspired to use in their own lives? Join Avery, Jamie, and Lucy, three psychologists, and moms, as they discuss what they’ve figured out, what they’ve yet to figure out, and what there’s just no figuring out. Through our stories and pearls of wisdom, we hope we can inspire listeners to connect to themselves and others more mindfully, authentically, and powerfully. It’s sure to be fun, and you may learn a little something along the way!
Today’s episode is all about one of our favorite activities—sleep! Join Jamie, Avery, and Lucy as they talk about all things sleep - how much, when, and what gets in the way or good sleep. We share our own preferences, struggles, and a little bit of scientific information. We also provide some practical tips to improve sleep and “stop the struggle” if you’re having trouble sleeping.
We are thrilled to welcome Dr. Ramani Durvasula to the couch today! She is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of several books including It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. We begin this episode with a conversation about how Dr. Ramani defines narcissism as a personality style and what kind of red flags to look out for in our relationships. We discuss the intersection of narcissism and self-abandonment, what keeps people in relationship with narcissists, and radical acceptance. Dr. Ramani tells us why you don’t need to call out a narcissist, and when it’s ok not to forgive. We end the episode with a discussion about healing from a narcissistic relationship and the grief, excavation and integration that happen in the process.
If you want to learn more from Dr. Ramani, you can find her on YouTube where her compelling videos on how to heal from narcissistic relationships have accumulated millions of views. Check out her website to learn more about her podcast, Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani, the Healing Program, and interactive platform, the Dr. Ramani Network.
https://doctor-ramani.com/
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/710202/its-not-you-by-ramani-durvasula-phd/
What in your life do you dread? How do you experience dread? What’s the point of dread? How do we make our dread go away? We dive into all these questions in today’s podcast. Jamie, Avery, and Lucy share their own experiences with dread, and we explore the different ways dread can show up (e.g., Avery’s dread is more anxiety based, and Lucy and Jamie’s dread is more like “I don’t wanna do this!”). We explored the overlap among dread, anxiety, and depression. We talk about how dread comes up for clients in our clinical practices. Lastly we talked about how to manage and reduce our experiences of dread.
Jamie, Lucy, and Avery have found self-compassion to be incredibly helpful in their own lives and in the lives of their clients. In this episode, we talk specifically about how we use self-compassion as parents. We’ve found self-compassion to be especially useful in parenting situations where we are feeling judgment for ourselves or our kids, during transitions, when we are in conflict or feeling irritable, when we need a break, when we’re making a difficult parenting decision or setting a limit, when we’re feeling regretful about the past or worried about the future, and really whenever we’re suffering. In these situations, we’ve noticed that simply naming and observing our thoughts and feelings and getting curious about them (rather than judging them) to be an important first step. Validating and tending to our own feelings can help us feel more calm and clear. Another helpful component of self-compassion is recognizing the common humanity of our experience. When we recognize that we are not the only ones having a particular issue, we feel less isolated. Taking self-compassion breaks, practicing loving-kindness meditation, and visualizing the presence of a supportive person in our lives can help us remember this important tool.
Avery, Jamie, and Lucy are so excited to interview mother-daughter relationship expert, Hilary Truong, MA, LPC! Hilary is a leading voice on keeping mothers and daughters in relationship through the teenage years and beyond. Join us as we discuss what people get wrong about the mother-daughter relationship, what moms and daughters most need from each other, the unique pressures we face as moms, and helpful strategies to repair the mother-daughter relationship.
Where to find Hilary:
www.hilarymae.com
www.instagram.com/hilarymaeco
https://hilarymaeco.samcart.com/products/mother-daughter-conversation-game
In this episode, we discuss resentment-how it feels, what kinds of situations may cause it, and what we can do about it. Resentment is defined as a negative feeling in response to a perception of unfairness or being mistreated. We discuss various negative feelings that come up when we’re experiencing resentment and talk through some examples of situations that have made us feel resentful in our own lives. Resentment can make us feel angry, irritable, and on edge and can affect our relationships. We review strategies to help manage our feelings and directly address situations that cause us to feel resentful.
In this episode, we revisit the topic of adult connection and the importance of adult friendships. We review the mental health benefits of social connection (hint: it’s more important than diet and exercise for longevity!). We talk about the advantage of the friend role as compared to other roles. We also discuss what it takes to be a “good friend” and what to do if a friendship becomes unhealthy. Lastly, we provide some advice for deepening friendships.
In today’s episode we talk about the parts and pieces of ourselves that we’ve lost along the way. Some of these might be aspects of ourselves we’re glad to be rid of (like people pleasing or caring about what other people think), whereas there might be other facets of ourselves (like seeking adventure or having/feeling fun) that we’d like to reclaim. We explore how this comes up in our lives and the lives of our clients, driving factors, and ways to notice and reintegrate missing pieces that we like and want back.
Perseverance and grit are great to teach our kids but when is it appropriate for them to quit or change directions? In today’s episode, we talk about all of the complicated reasons that we may pressure our kids to stay with things longer than what’s good for their well-being (including our “own stuff” as parents!). We talk about why quitting can be courageous and how you can assist your kids in taking ownership over that. We give pointers and strategies on how to approach the “quitting” conversation and highlight the importance of curiosity and intentionality.
Resource:
https://www.amazon.com/Quitting-Strategy-Perseverance_and-Science-Giving/dp/1538722348
Today’s episode is all about fostering financial literacy in our teens and young adults. We start with some of the main financial related concerns we hear from kids during and after college, and we work backwards, highlighting specific tools and skills we can teach our kids before they leave home. We explore methods of payment, tipping, budgeting, and allowance/income. We also talk about natural opportunities to grow these skills, as well as opportunities for financially oriented natural consequences (e.g., how to respond when your teen loses her laptop stylus for the 3rd time in 3 months!). Lastly, we highlight how financial literacy can be complicated: it’s hard to talk openly and directly about finances, and money tends to stir up all kinds of emotions (which makes it even more uncomfortable).
We sometimes forget that one of the most effective things we can do as parents is to simply get out of our kids' way. In today’s episode we talk about the importance of allowing our kids to face natural consequences. We touch on issues that can make it difficult for us as parents to take a step back, and we review specific strategies to help us “get out of the way.” We talk about specific life skills that are easier for our kids to develop without our interference and when it can be helpful to offer support.
In today’s episode, we focus on disappointment, a feeling most of us don’t name or talk about enough. We explore what makes disappointment a harder emotion to acknowledge, highlighting the tendency to quickly detour to anger, judgment, shame, or embarrassment. We discuss our own experiences with disappointment. We talk about how disappointment often presents, including the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that tend to accompany it. We notice that there’s power in being able to name our disappointment – the trick is in letting disappointment coexist with other, often contradictory, emotions. We explore the relationship between disappointment and our expectations (there’s a strong relationship between these two!), and we talk more specifically about how disappointment shows up in parenting. Lastly we discuss both unhelpful (maladaptive) and helpful (more effective) ways to cope with disappointment.
It’s our 100th episode! We mark the occasion by talking about milestones and taking a walk down memory lane. We discuss the different lessons we’ve learned along the way and relive some of our favorite moments on the podcast. We talk about some of the struggles and disappointments we’ve faced along the way too.
One of our favorite parts of doing the podcast is getting to hear from our listeners and we’d love to hear from you! Drop us a line at connect@badassrebellion.com
And please don’t forget to rate our podcast on itunes!
Check out some of our favorite episodes:
Episode 3 Play
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-3-play/
Episode 5 Trance of Scarcity Book Club
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-5-the-trance-of-scarcity/
Episode 7 Do It Afraid
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-7-do-it-afraid/
Episode 13 Compassion
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-13-compassion/
Episode 31 Intentional Holiday Season
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-31-intentional-holiday-season/
Episode 34 Joy
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-34-joy/
Episode 38 Comfort
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-38-comfort/
Episode 40 Healthy Relationships, Part 1
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-40-healthy-relationships-part-1/
Episode 41 Healthy Relationships, Part 2
https://badassrebellion.com/ep-41-healthy-relationships-part-2/
Episode 46 Swimsuit Season
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-46-swimsuit-season/
Episode 55 Dialectics
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-55-dialectics/
Episode 84 Not Enoughness
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-84-not-enoughness/
Episode 86 You and Them
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-86-you-and-them/
Episode 87 Being Human with Taylor White Moffitt
https://badassrebellion.com/ep-87-being-human-with-taylor-white-moffitt/
Episode 90 Unicorn Space with Eve Rodsky
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-90-unicorn-space-with-eve-rodsky/
Episode 93 Delights of December
https://badassrebellion.com/episode-93-delights-of-december/
Today, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery discuss the often misunderstood emotion, envy. In short, envy can occur when someone has something or is doing something that you want for yourself! It often involves some sort of social comparison, usually with people who are similar to us in some way. We talk about the difference between envy and jealousy and why envy often feels “worse.” We share our own experiences with envy, a universal emotion, and what happens when we ignore it.. We also explore the upsides of envy and why it’s important to label envy when it crops up.
Resources:
https://www.eliseloehnen.com/onourbestbehavior
https://www.instagram.com/backwards_hat_dancer/
Love is on our mind as we’re preparing for Valentine’s Day, and today we’re talking about self-love. While we may not be super-fans of the terminology (something about the phrase kind of gives us the ick), but we do actually do love the concept. In this episode, we define “self-love” as loving ourselves unconditionally and taking care of ourselves the way we would someone we love. We touch on the beautiful book The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor and talk about the quote by Glennon Doyle: “I have met myself and I am going to care for her fiercely.”. We end with an exercise to help us hold and treat ourselves with love.
Today’s episode was listener inspired! In this podcast, we talk about what it’s like when the trajectory of our lives is out of sync with what we imagined or expected. We see this during transitions and turning points (whether they are expected or unexpected). We discuss some of the major developmental tasks that we undergo throughout our lives and what it’s like to feel not quite in step with our peers. We also talk about how stories, expectations, having a scarcity mindset, and engaging in social comparison can make us feel even more out of sorts. Lastly, we offer tips and tricks along the way to help navigate all of this change!
It’s the New Year, and resolutions are a hot topic! The concept of “self-discipline” has a tendency to sneak into our conversations about goals and resolutions. So in today's episode, we take a deep dive into self-discipline: what it is, our (unpleasant) emotional reaction, how it can be helpful, and where it can lead us astray. We also offer alternative approaches to the strategy of “have more self-discipline” when we’re trying to make changes in our lives.
One of our favorite analogies when it comes to stressful situations is temperature. Conflict can heat things up and everyone can help keep the environment cool and comfortable. In this episode, we talk about what can cause us to come in “hot” to the holiday season and we discuss strategies that can help us keep ourselves cool.
For many of us, the holidays can feel like a whirlwind! When we’re busy with the hustle and bustle, it can be hard to stay centered and tuned in. In today’s episode, we explore what, specifically, about the holidays pulsl us off center and leads us to disconnect from ourselves. In addition, we share some principles and practices to facilitate a more grounded and connected holiday season.
Today’s episode is all about delight! We explore how to be more present to delight, how to choose and feel more delight, and how delight can bring us together. We share some of our favorite, specific delights of the holiday season and what can interfere with being delighted. We also invite our listeners to join our December delights challenge (join our email list for more info)!
Links:
https://www.rossgay.net/the-book-of-delights
https://www.rossgay.net/the-book-of-more-delights
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Fun-Feel-Alive-Again/dp/0593241401
Dr. Ellen Albertson is a psychologist, registered dietician, board certified health and wellness coach, reiki master, and mindful self-compassion teacher. She’s an author and has over 30 years of experience in the healing field. In today’s episode, Ellen joins us for a conversation about mental health and how to “rock your midlife.” She shares several tips on how to change your mindset, empower yourself, improve your relationships, and find joy from her latest book, Rock Your Midlife: 7 Steps to Transform Yourself and Make Your Next Chapter Your Best Chapter.
Where to find Ellen:
https://themidlifewhisperer.com/
https://rockyourmidlife.podbean.com/
https://www.instagram.com/the_midlife_whisperer/
https://www.youtube.com/@themidlifewhisperer
Today we talk about 7 ways of thinking – 7 cognitive traps – that increase our suffering and increase the likelihood we’ll abandon ourselves. They are:
- Stories
- Expectations
- Rules
- Shoulds/Oughts
- Judgments / negative self-talk
- Comparison
- Perfectionism
We define each of these, exploring how they show up in our lives. We talk about how to shed these ways of thinking when they no longer serve us. We also discuss what makes these thoughts so sticky, ingrained, and hard to get rid of.
“Life is a series of storms. As we get older, they tend to be more frequent. Taking time to have “fun” is how we weather them. The storms will keep coming so we must learn to dance in the rain.” Find Your Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky
Eve Rodsky is known for her game-changing book and social movement, Fair Play. Fair Play is a groundbreaking system that uses organizational management strategies to more fairly divide unpaid labor in the home. In today’s episode, Eve joins us for a conversation about gender equality, mental health, creativity, and her most recent book, Find Your Unicorn Space. Eve explains that a successful organization has boundaries, systems, and communication, but her research indicates that boundaries become barriers for women when they don’t believe they have permission to be unavailable from their roles, when guilt and shame ruin their experiences, and when boundaries are met with push back. Eve’s work focuses on helping women reclaim permission to be unavailable and ask for what they need, burn guilt and shame, and hold space for boundary breaches. We love Eve’s definition of mental health: having the appropriate emotion at the appropriate time and the ability and strength to weather it. Eve’s newest book, Find Your Unicorn Space, focuses on weathering the storms of life with curiosity and developing consistent interest in our own lives (rather than singular focus on the roles we fill) as an antidote to burnout.
Where to find Eve:
- https://www.everodsky.com/
- https://www.everodsky.com/fair-play
- https://www.fairplaylife.com/unicorn-space
- https://www.instagram.com/everodsky
In today’s episode, we continue talking about self-abandonment, briefly reviewing the 8 types of self-abandonment (i.e., people-pleasing, not speaking truth, not trusting yourself, over-working/uber-productivity, the quest for self-improvement, checking boxes/collecting gold stars or external validation, numbing out, and getting stuck in your head or ruminating). We talk about how the various types of self-abandonment overlap with one another and share personal examples of which ones we default to in our own lives. We also share several examples of how easily and unconsciously self-abandonment appears in our lives and those of our clients, in big and small ways. Lastly, we offer several ways to interrupt self-abandonment including slowing down, tuning in and making space, letting our entire experience belong, shedding unhelpful expectations, comparisons, rules, judgments, and stories, and being self-compassionate.
In today’s episode, we talk about self-abandonment, all the ways in which we “go outside of ourselves” or lose touch with ourselves in order to determine how to think, feel, or behave. We discuss the 8 types of self-abandonment including people-pleasing, not speaking truth, not trusting yourself, over-working/uber-productivity, the quest for self-improvement, checking boxes/collecting gold stars (external validation), numbing out, and getting stuck in your head (ruminating). We share our own struggles with self-abandonment and provide lots of examples to help you identify where you fall in the self-abandonment spectrum. Stay tuned for part 2 in which we discuss how to interrupt the self-abandonment process.
“Rarely is there ever a hack. It’s me learning to relate to the thing differently that creates more peace and ease.” -Taylor
Taylor White Moffitt is one of our most favorite teachers and mentors. She’s a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and yoga instructor who lives in Boulder, Colorado, and she’s incredibly gifted at helping humans live with more peace, ease, and joy. During our conversation we explore her three cornerstones for transformation: mindfulness, movement, and mental health. We talk about the power of embodiment and experiential practices. We also speak more specifically about midlife, including some of the challenges and gifts (e.g., clarity of what matters most; shedding layers so we can feel ourselves more and so we can live a more connected and authentic life).
Taylor’s offerings:
- Humanity First – year long embodied leadership training
- The Art + Practice of Self-compassion – 4-week course offered 2x/year (in Oct and Jan)
- Transformational retreats
- Weekly yoga
- Individual psychotherapy
To learn more, visit Taylor’s website: https://www.humanityshared.com/
Today we talk about the ongoing work of truly seeing our kids as individual humans apart and independent of us. We talk about the separation and individuation that typically happens in adolescence AND the process of tending to the parts of ourselves that are separate from our identities as parents. In this episode, we talk about the different ways that we attempt to nurture our kids’ identities apart from us and, at the same time, develop our own identities apart from our kids. Follow us on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/badassrebellion/
https://www.instagram.com/inspirationfromthecouch/
Join Avery, Jamie, & Lucy as they discuss their experiences with creativity in midlife. We share our self-perceptions about our creative abilities (or lack thereof), what gets in the way of creativity, and why creativity is an important part of life. We also talk about the “dark side” of creativity, the relationship between creativity and mental illness, and several strategies to bolster our creative energy in midlife.
We believe that “not enoughness” plays a fundamental role in both our suffering and our humanity. In this episode, we take a deep dive into not enoughness, exploring how it shows up in people’s lives, the impact it has, and its ripple effects. We share our own experiences with not enoughness, and we give the inside scoop about how we navigate not enoughness, both in our clinical work and in our personal lives. We highlight factors that tend to make not enoughness louder, as well as ways to settle/quiet this part of ourselves.
Today we’re talking about sandwiches! Being a part of the sandwich generation that is! The sandwich generation refers to middle-aged adults who are simultaneously raising kids and supporting their aging parents. An estimated 11 million caregivers provide unpaid care to an adult while also caring for kids (Pew Research Center 2019 research report). With all of this care-taking, no wonder we are stressed and can experience burnout! We discuss the physical, emotional, and behavioral signs of burnout and common stressors of being a sandwich generation caregiver. We also cover important tips and tools for managing caregiver stress and burnout.
It’s summer time!!! In today’s episode, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery talk about summer vampires – the experiences and expectations that can suck the joy right out of summer. We talk about the trap of overplanning, under planning, and not being intentional about our time. We share our own experiences with decision fatigue, difficulty remaining present, and having rigid expectations. We then cover tips and tricks to help you have a more enjoyable summer and fend off these summer vampires such as having conversations with the family about expectations before the summer kicks off, allowing everyone to explore their interests, and being intentional about family downtime.
We have an amazing episode for you today! We interview Debra Benfield, a registered dietitian and certified eating disorder specialist whose work is focused on pro-aging and body liberation. We talk about the messages women receive about their bodies and their relationships with food, including the influence of an “ageist diet culture” on both how we feel about ourselves and the behaviors we try to adopt. Explored the role of fear and desire to control, and discussed factors that might be underneath this. Debra shares about normal bodily changes we might experience during midlife, as well as some nutrition guidelines to help nourish our bodies and whole selves during midlife and beyond. Throughout the episode we weave in the (over) focus on appearance and staying young, and we consider the freedom that comes from instead focusing on a pro-aging mindset, connecting with your values, and integrating more pleasure and joy.
Some of our favorite takeaways:
- When you feel the urge tocontrol, shift instead into care instead
- Give yourself permission for pleasure
- Fear and trust are often in opposition
- Some nutrition guidelines:
- When/if possible, listen to your body.
- Eat enough! Adequate intake is soooo important. (Many people are undernourished because of diet culture. When a human body is undernourished, the brain is underfed and therefore changes. Symptoms of this include brain fog, anxiety, irritability, mood swings.)
- Eat enough fat! This is important for your nervous system.
- Consider your gut. For this, eat regularly (no skipping or fasting) and let yourself be fed adequately. Eat fermented foods, lots of fruits and veggies, and carbs.
- Carbs are important for our bodies to function well and fully.
- Belly fat is important and good. We need it.
- Pleasure and satisfaction are important.
- Brains can change at any age. Neuroplasticity is real. You are not stuck after a certain age.
Debra’s nutrition practice: https://www.bodyinmindnutrition.com/
Debra’s coaching program: https://www.debrabenfield.com/
Find Debra on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/agingbodyliberation/
Minnesota Starvation Study:
https://eatingdisorders.dukehealth.org/education/resources/starvation-experiment
Regan Chastain:
https://www.instagram.com/ragenchastain/
https://danceswithfat.org/
Follow us on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/badassrebellion/
https://www.instagram.com/inspirationfromthecouch/
In today’s episode we talk about our experiences of being on the brink of losing our shit. We explore interpersonal dynamics and situations that trigger this reaction. We explore the difference between losing our shit and handling our shit. We discuss our internal experiences, as well as how we show up in the world when we’re in this state of mind (or really this “state of feeling” is a better descriptor!).
Top 3 things we’re learning about how to cope with difficult people/situations:
- Be well resourced. It’s hard to cope when we’re exhausted, depleted, tapped out, or overwhelmed. Another reason to practice good self-care.
- Sometimes we have to be assertive. Boundaries are important. This doesn’t make you a bitch.
- Get support. We often need safe people to vent to who understand, who will be on our team, and who can help us discern how to respond.
In this episode, we’re giving you a sneak peak at our upcoming summer series! Starting in June, we’re holding monthly workshops (in-person and online) to talk about some of our favorite topics related to midlife.
Our June Workshop is going to focus on reorienting and rebelling. We’ll talk about what is really happening to our brains, bodies, and relationships during midlife and the menopause transition. We’ll also spend some time debunking some of the messed up messages we’ve received about the midlife years.
We’re calling our July Workshop “The Reckoning.” It’s time to come to terms with what’s so: with where you are and where you’re not. With who you are and who you’re not. It’s time to let go of all the shit that’s weighing you down and no longer serving you. Reckoning points the way for what we might do with our one wild and precious life.
In our August Workshop, we’re going to focus on Reclaiming Power. Reclaiming is about getting in touch with your power and reawakening your fire. In this workshop, we’ll work to reclaim self, time, and relationships.
Our September Workshop is focused on Rejoicing in Midlife. We’ll talk about how to prioritize fun, joy, and pleasure, and we’ll clear the obstacles that interfere. We really hope you’ll join us for one (or all!) of these offerings. We’d love to get to see you this summer!!
Click here for more info and/or to sign up!
We are delighted to have the New York Times bestselling author, Jen Mann, join us for this episode. She is a Gen X Badass, and her book Midlife Bites puts words to what so many of us experience in our 40s and beyond. We absolutely love her vulnerability, hilarity, and use of the word “amazeballs”. Our conversation today covers everything from Jen’s adventures in standup comedy to poise pads. We hope you have as much fun listening to this one as we had recording it!
Links:
https://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/
https://jenmann.substack.com/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/midlifebites
https://www.instagram.com/jenmannauthor/
Join Jamie, Lucy, and Avery as they talk with certified coach (CPCC), Sara Smeaton, about all things midlife! Sara is a badass midlifer who offers one-on-one and group coaching as well as workshops helping women discover their power, purpose, and possibility. We discuss what Sara refers to as our midlife Power YearsTM, in which we have the experience AND the possibility to create the life we want. We also explore six truths about midlife and share our experiences of being in this life stage. This is a great conversation, not to be missed!
Links:
https://sarasmeaton.com/
https://sarasmeaton.com/power-years-workbook/
https://www.instagram.com/sarasmeaton/
It’s no secret that romantic relationships change over time. After decades of running a household and raising children, many couples find more space and stillness in midlife, which might both terrify us and enable growth and (re)connection. In today’s episode, we focus on “midlife proofing” your relationship. We discuss the normal shifts that occur over time in partnerships, and we explore how to proactively prioritize and strengthen the connection with your significant other.
* Content appropriate for all ages and relationship stages. It’s never too early or too late to prioritize connection!
Recommended Resources:
Any books by John Gottman
It’s graduation season! Today we talk about our own experiences with graduations and what we can do as parents to help this graduation season go as well as possible (for our kids and for us too!) We’ll touch on the various feelings that can come up for graduates and their parents, and we’ll also discuss some strategies to help gear up for this transition.
Parenting teens is hard! It can be especially difficult to differentiate “normal teenage angst” from more serious issues that require outside help. In this episode, we talk about the typical stressors and issues that come up for teens as well as behaviors that are cause for concern. We touch on various types of support available and what situations call for different types of care. We cover some tips on how to talk to and support your teen and how to take care of yourself when your teen struggles.
In the second half of our conversation with Jessica Grant, we get into the nitty gritty of goal setting. Jessica walks us through her system for creating and tracking goals. We discuss the importance of creating specific and measurable goals, talking through several examples to help bring the concepts to life. We explore barriers to goal setting, with particular focus of what gets in the way of either making or following through with goals. We each share about our own personal goals, and provide tips and tricks for leveraging goal setting in your life.
Do try this at home:
- Sign up for Jessica’s “Get Your Goals Course.” Use this link.
- Put pen to paper with your goals.
- Ensure your goals align with your values and priorities (you have to tune inward to know this!)
- Be realistic with your goals (with both quantity and quality). Allow yourself to do less.
- Find a system that works for you (we’re thinking Jessica’s Get Your Goals Course is a great place to start!)
You can find Jessica on her website here and on Instagram with this link.
Click here for Jessica's Goal Setting Course!
It’s so exciting! We’re doing our first interview today! Your Badass Trio is joined by Jessica Grant, master goal setter. In part 1 (of our two part conversation), we get to know Jessica personally before diving into an overview of our topic. We define goal setting, differentiating goals from tasks, values, intentions, and hopes. We also highlight the following key principles to consider as you navigate your own goals:
- what you’re going to prioritize
- importance of being flexible
- key element of tuning-in (self awareness and tuning inward rather than defaulting to externals)
- focus on the process (rather than getting caught up in the outcome)
- importance of being kind to yourself (let’s ditch the judgment and self-criticism!)
- harnessing curiosity and openness (goals as an opportunity to discover something new)
There are a lot of things that aren’t amazing about midlife, but we actually think this stage of life kicks ass. Here are 10 things we love about being middle aged:
- We give a fuck about less. We’ve let go of some things and that brings us joy.
- We’ve seen some shit. We’ve lived enough life to know that “this too shall pass”.
- We listen to our intuition. More focus on and comfort with our own knowing.
- We aren’t for everyone and that’s ok. Less people-pleasing and living small.
- We’ve been around long enough to have some really deep relationships.
- We are intentional about where we put our energy.
- We don’t have to do shit that we don’t want to do any more. No more FOMO.
- More freedom and adventure. Less have-to’s and more want-to’s.
- We can laugh at ourselves and not take everything so seriously.
- Our kids are a lot of fun as they get older. There’s a lot of joy in watching them grow into who they are going to be.
Time article
Join the bitchfest in this episode, as Jamie, Lucy & Avery discuss the experiences of irritability, anger, and rage which are common emotions in midlife. We talk about all of the contributing factors during this period of life which can contribute to this hot emotional climate such as hormones, physical shifts, life transitions and stressors, and imbalances in relationships. We discuss messages that women have received regarding the feeling and expression of anger such as women are supposed to be “nice” and anger is “scary and to be feared.” We talk about the variability of irritability and share some of the recent things that have gotten under our skin. We also offer up some tips on managing irritability and anger.
Do Try This At Home:
- It’s important to acknowledge and name whatever emotional state in which you might find yourself.
- Try anything to self-soothe, as long as it’s legal and helpful. Do you know what comforts you when you’re irritated? Do you see it, wear it, ingest it, smell it, or listen to it?
- Talk to those in your social support system who are good listeners and can offer validation.
Today we’re talking about brain fog, which the three of us have PLENTY of right now (so it’s a very pertinent and relevant topic in our lives)! We start by defining what brain fog is and describing how it shows up in our lives, sharing stories of our forgetfulness, word finding difficulties, and sluggish thinking. We highlight some of the main causes of brain fog, exploring how many of these interact with each other. We discuss the impact of brain fog, particularly on our identity, sense of self, and overall functioning. We conclude that there’s power in being able to name and identify this symptom, and we share some strategies for how to best manage brain fog.
Quoted in the episode, From The Menopause Charity (themenopausecharity.org)
“Estrogen stimulates the brain, keeps the neurons firing, supports the growth of new cells and helps existing cells to form new connections. When estrogen levels fall in midlife, your entire body – including your brain – goes into a sudden deprivation state. At a cellular level, estrogen pushes your brain cells to burn more glucose, which is its main fuel. Studies have shown that there is an overall reduction of brain energy levels during menopause, which can trigger hot flushes, night sweats, anxiety, depression, brain fog, and the host of other cognitive symptoms mentioned.”
In today’s episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery discuss the midlife experience. We explore whether it's an actual crisis or whether it’s more about navigating a lot of transitions. We discuss what differentiates this period of life from other times in life marked by well-defined rituals and a map of sorts. We share our experiences with bodily changes, empty nesting, job and marital changes, care-giving of aging parents, etc. We also talk about the positive sides of being in midlife such as feeling more settled, doing less striving, and having more space for “want to’s” vs. “have to’s.” We talk about doing a “mid life review” to evaluate where you feel satisfied in your life and where you’d like to have more fulfillment. The following questions can help you reflect: What do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of? What is something you’ve always dreamed of doing but never done? What is an adventure you’d enjoy? What people would you like to surround yourself with as you navigate this time period?
In this episode, we talk about the stories we tell ourselves. In intimate relationships, it can be incredibly helpful to notice the stories that we tell ourselves and share them with our loved ones. Often, we’ll find that our stories are inaccurate and talking about them can improve communication and trust with our partners. We don’t just tell ourselves stories about other people - we also tell ourselves stories about ourselves! Sometimes these stories can be helpful (ie: I can’t drink caffeine after noon or I’ll be up all night) and sometimes they can limit our experiences (ie: I don’t like roller coasters). We’ve noticed that a lot of these limiting stories start with “I don’t like…” or “I can’t do that” or “I am…” It can be helpful to challenge the stories that hold us back! Jamie, Lucy, and Avery talk about some of the stories we’ve told ourselves and strategies that have helped us to question them.
Do try this at home:
- Notice the stories that you tell yourself and pay attention to how they change when your mood changes.
- When you notice a story that is holding you back or limiting your experience, challenge it.
- How can you use this language: “The story I’m telling myself is…” in your relationships? How can you integrate it into your communication with others?
Today’s episode focuses on people pleasing. We explore what it is, including how it manifests in our own lives and in the lives of our clients. We delineate some of the pros and cons of this behavior (as there are both ups and downs to showing up this way!), as well as the warning signs that you might be a people pleaser. Some common warning signs include: always saying yes, having a hard time saying no, a pattern of resentment, pretending (to be someone you’re not), over-apologizing, not sharing how you truly feel (withholding, being avoidant), and taking responsibility for others’ feelings. Lastly we discuss strategies to help us shift away from people pleasing, as well as potential barriers that might get in the way.
The plan was to take a deep dive into “time off,” but as we got to talking, we realized that it’s hard to isolate this aspect of how we spend our time. So we broadened the conversation to the ways we spend our time, with specific focus on time off, time on, time away, time in(ward), and half-ass time (when we’re in no man’s land/purgatory of time, so to speak). We strategize about how we can spend our time over the holidays, connecting this back to our boundaries, knowing what we want/need, and intentionally managing our time in a way that supports being our best selves.
Do try this at home:
- If you’re going to do something, do it (and only it). Do one thing at a time.
- Set a time limit (and an actual timer) for activities you might get lost in.
- Practice these mantras: “I deserve time off” and “I am allowed to take time off.”
- Be thoughtful and mindful about what time off (including when and how) works best for you.
Happy holidays! Today’s episode focuses on various ways we can celebrate.. We explore the what and why of our favorite holiday celebrations. We discuss some of the ways we can celebrate everyday - the big things AND the small things. We also differentiate when celebrating might slip into overindulgence and entitlement. We then talk about things that get in the way of celebrating such as stress, depression, and anxiety and how celebrating can be used as a tool to boost your mood. As we’re in the thick of the holiday season, we encourage our listeners to focus on their purpose and intention for the holidays, to get clear on what feels celebratory and let go of things that are dreaded, and to be intentional about how to show up (how to be) during this holiday season.
In today’s episode, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery talk about how expectations come up for us in our lives. We notice that expectations can have a negative effect on our daily experiences and can impact special occasions like the holidays. We talk about how expectations can sneak up on us and threaten to “ruin” our experiences. We discuss how expectations feel in our body and some strategies we have found helping in managing our expectations. We talk about the pressure to have the “best holiday ever” and how difficult it can be when the holiday experience doesn’t live up to our expectations.
Do try this at home:
- Be mindful of your expectations. If you are a person that often falls into the high expectations trap, pay attention to how you are feeling (especially during the holidays).
- Voice your expectations. Don't keep those things buried deep down inside. It may help if you reframe expectations as intentions or goals. You may find that putting words to your expectations helps to diffuse them.
- Keep expectations low. When you keep your expectations reasonable and reachable, it is more likely that you’ll be pleasantly surprised by reaching them rather than disappointed when you don’t.
In today’s episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery discuss comfort zones. Comfort zones get some pretty negative press, but great things can happen when we have a comfortable place to land where we can rest and feel secure, confident, and safe. Comfort zones can be, well, comfortable, but they can also become constraining. There are drawbacks to doing things as they have always been done before. Even though it can feel scary at first, pushing ourselves beyond the comfort zone can really be exciting and fun. Because life doesn’t always let us remain in our comfort zones, it is also important to get comfortable with unpredictability and the “new”. We tell some stories about when we have pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones, touch on some strategies that have helped us to manage the uncertainty and fear that come with trying new things and discuss the importance of balancing the “new” with comfortable routines.
Do Try This at Home:
- It is important to prioritize: if you are really pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in one way, keeping routines in other aspects of your life may really help. Being intentional about balancing discomfort to comfort can help you push through the “new”.
- Pay attention to where your comfort zones are and ask yourself, “do I truly feel comfortable or do I feel more ‘stuck in the mud’?” Which comfort zones are working for you and which ones get in the way?
- Sometimes we stay in our comfort zone because we are trying to avoid anxiety. Pay attention to whether you are unintentionally avoiding something that is important to you in an effort to avoid the anxiety that comes up when you think about trying something new.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the pros, cons, and boundaries around social media and technology. We briefly discuss our own love/hate relationships with social media and tech. We then explore the pros and cons of this dimension of our lives and how it affects our mental health. We offer suggestions and clues regarding when stricter boundaries around social media and tech might be needed. Lastly, we offer tips and tricks to help us keep our social media and technology usage in check.
Do Try This At Home:
- Set time limits for your social media usage (use an actual timer to alert you!).
- Ask yourself, “What do I need a limit around? What do I want to foster more of?”
- Turn off notifications and put your phone on “do not disturb” regularly.
- Have regular conversations with your kids about appropriate technology use – where are they using technology and where is technology “using them?”
Resources:
Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. New York: TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House, LLC, 2021.
Settle in and pop on your oxygen mask, as today’s episode is all about taking care of yourself. The Inspiration from the Couch ladies walk you through it all: what is self-care, why it’s important, and what gets in the way. Instead of adding more self-care “tasks” to your to-do list, we frame our discussion as giving yourself permission to prioritize yourself. We walk you through our top 5 permission slips:
- Permission to Say No
- Permission to Ask for Help
- Permission to Hit the Easy Button
- Permission to Slow Down, Rest, and Savor
- Permission to be Kind to Yourself
Do Try This at Home:
- Pick the one permission slip that you need the most and make yourself a bona fide, actual, paper permission slip that you post somewhere in your house (if you don’t want to make your own, you can download ours for our website!)
- Tag us on social media! #selfcare #permission #permissionforselfcare
Lucy, Jamie, and Avery dive into “vulnerability hangovers,” which is what we experience after putting ourselves out in the world in some way (i.e., after we are vulnerable!). We define the common symptoms, including exhaustion, shame, regret, turtle mode (desire to avoid, withdraw), distraction, overthinking, overanalyzing, tenderness, headache, and insecurity. We explore how this comes up in our clinical work, as well as in our own personal lives. Discussed factors that influence whether or not we have a vulnerability hangover, as well as individual differences in this experience. Lastly, we talk about how to tend to ourselves during these difficult moments.
Do Try This at Home:
- Name the vulnerability hangover when it comes up. Put some words to it!
- Do things to get out of your head so you can feel more grounded in the moment.
- Practice compassion and kindness towards yourself. Let all the feelings belong!
- Anticipate when this might come up, and prepare for how you might take care of yourself.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the concept of Beginner’s Mind. We briefly discuss the characteristics of having a beginner’s mind, as well as things that get in the way such as ego, being the expert, comparison-making, and habits. We share some of our most humbling experiences as beginners. We then talk about how a beginner's mind can be helpful in our daily lives and how “not having it all figured out” can create connection and closeness. We also share the importance of asking for help and having a sense of humor about being a beginner.
Do Try This at Home:
- Ask yourself how you can approach things with a beginner’s mindset.
- Try something new, especially with others who are also beginners.
- Take your time. Have a slow approach and drop your expectations.
Today, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery discuss the benefits of taking the easy way out. We talk about how we inadvertently make things more difficult for ourselves by over-analyzing, over-controlling, people-pleasing, over-planning, and simply forgetting that doing less is an option. We also review strategies that have helped us to notice when we are falling into these habits and make different choices instead.
Do try this at home:
- Create/choose a physical reminder to invite more ease into your daily life. Whether it’s an actual easy button, a post-it note on your computer, a background on your phone screen, or even a login or password that you have to type often – remind yourself that taking the easier way out is an option.
- Make a shift in your mindset. Notice the ways that you show up in your life and the ways that you make things more difficult than they need to be. Ask yourself, “How can I let this be light and easy? or “How can I have less urgency? “
- Perfectionism gets in the way of taking the easy way out. Do an experiment: Put yourself in a situation where you don’t do something perfectly and see what happens.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of vacationing. We briefly discuss the differences in vacation policy between the U.S. and other countries, share some of our own vacation plans, and talk about all the stressors associated with planning, traveling, and being on vacation. We then talk about post-vacation depression and share tips on how to minimize stress so that you can enjoy your vacation to the fullest,
Do Try This At Home:
- If possible, plan a transition period before and after your vacation so that you are less pressured when returning to your normal routine.
- Plan future trips to have something to look forward to.
- Set an intention, rather than an expectation, regarding your vacation to be more present.
In today’s episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the concept of “Dialectics,” which is holding two opposite viewpoints that are simultaneously true. This entails leaning heavily into both-and thinking, rather than getting trapped in either-or thinking. We talk through several “dialectical dilemmas,” including:
- Acceptance (validation) vs change (problem solving)
- Emotion Mind vs Reasonable Mind (which equals Wise Mind)
- Rigidity vs flexibility
- Lie the Fuck Down vs Get the Fuck Up
- Being self-less vs prioritizing ourselves
- Speaking truth vs being kind
We also explore some of the factors that make dialectics hard, as well as the benefits of approaching life from a more dialectical perspective.
Badass Boundaries: https://badassmethod.com/boundaries
In this episode, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery discuss the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe vs. Wade. We focus on strategies to manage the emotional distress that this decision has caused for many of us specifically in regard to politically charged conversations, general empathy and concern for others and the future, and the personal relevance of the decision. We touch on strategies to foster compassion as we each navigate our own response to the decision and our interactions with others.
Do try this at home:
- Know that you are not alone. This is a distressing thing that has happened and a lot of people are very upset. It's important to allow yourself to feel your feelings and get support for them.
- There's not one “right” way to manage your emotional response to this. When feeling a loss of control, attending to self and noticing the things that you can control (like your own behavior) can be helpful in managing your emotions.
- According to grief expert, David Kessler, “Grief doesn’t really get smaller- you get bigger.” Having a network of individuals to support you can help you to be able to handle what is going on. When you access support that can help you “get bigger”, it can be easier to manage the feelings associated with this current situation.
Inspiration from the Couch book club returns! Today we are diving into Essentialism by Greg McKeown. The tagline of this book is “the disciplined pursuit of less.” We start by defining both essentialism and nonessentialism, comparing and contrasting these two ways of being. We then explore the core mindset of an essentialist, including choice, discernment, and the reality of tradeoffs. Lastly we talk about the 3-step process for becoming an essentialist: explore, eliminate, and execute.
Do Try This at Home
- Read the book! We all LOVED it!
- Shift your mindset to acknowledge that you can only do so much with your time. If you don’t prioritize it, someone else will.
- If you want to make a kick ass contribution to the world, YOU are your best asset. So you have to prioritize yourself.
- Ask yourself: “What’s most important now?” (Practice discerning noise from the essential.)
Waffles and spaghetti are both delicious, but we aren’t talking about food today. We're talking about personality styles. “Waffles” are more compartmentalized with each task fitting into its own little separate square, and “spaghetti” is a more aerial view of interconnected parts. We touch on problem solving strategies and some communication skills that have been helpful to us as we have interacted with the “spaghetti” and “waffle” personalities in our lives.
Do try this at home:
- Appreciate your own personality style and acknowledge ways to use your strengths to manage your weaknesses.
- Take a look at what processes you have in place and evaluate how you are implementing them. While it may take some energy and time to change to a more intentional process, a more efficient system could definitely save you time and effort in the long run.
- If you are working with someone who has a different work style, ask yourself, “What is the advantage of their particular work style and how can I complement that?”
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about work. We briefly discuss the impact of The Great Resignation on the world of work, share some of our early work histories and what moved us into the world of psychology, and what a “work identity” is. We then talk about the drawbacks of shaping one’s entire identity around career and offer self-reflection questions to help determine whether one is “enmeshed” with career, We also share tips on how to disentangle your self-worth from what you do for work.
Do Try This At Home:
- Fund your time – give yourself permission to free up time by relying more on others
- Be intentional about your time – set boundaries around work so that you can invest in other activities.
- Revamp how you describe what you do to disentangle what you do from who you are. (e.g., I educate youth vs. I’m a teacher; I help others make changes and find meaning in their lives vs. I’m a psychologist).
In today’s episode Lucy shares about her biggest current struggle: feeling distracted. She asks Avery and Jamie for guidance on how she can intervene to find more peace and presence. We explore how distraction shows up, both for Lucy specifically and for many of us more generally. We talk about potential culprits for distraction, as well as dive into some specific strategies to help settle our brains and nervous systems so we can be more present in the moment.
Do Try This at Home:
- Read Deep Work by Cal Newport, and start setting aside time for “deep work”
- Set limits around technology, one of the biggest contributors to our distraction (e.g., only check email at pre-determined times, turn off notifications, have blocks of tech-free time)
- Look for opportunities to experience “flow”
- Practice being intentional with your time (especially leisure time)
One topic that we can’t seem to stop talking about these days is adolescent relationships: with our patients, with our friends who are parents, and at home with our own teens and pre-teens. As a parent, it can be difficult to figure out when to step in, when to step back, and when to step alongside our adolescents as they navigate social dynamics. Recent situations such as the pandemic and the increased reliance on technology for social communication have made connection and interaction even more complicated. In today’s episode, we touch on some strategies that we have found helpful as we make our way through this terrain.
Do Try This at Home:
- Check out the book, The Power of Validation by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook for practical tips and great advice on how to offer your kids validation.
- Another great resource is How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims which covers strategies to appropriately step back and step alongside children throughout their development.
- As parents, it is really important to ask ourselves how we can slow it down, take a step back, ask a lot of questions, let go of our own desire to fix, control, and manage the situation, and work towards becoming more of a consultant to our kids in certain areas.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about friendships! We discuss changing trends in our friendship networks over time, why friendships are important for our physical and mental health, and what to do if we are spread too thin. We also share tips on how to develop new friendships and deepen current ones.
Do Try This at Home:
- Do a “friendship inventory” to discover whether you have the bandwidth to take on new friends and to examine whether your current network is healthy and fulfilling.
- In making new friends, start small. Pay attention to who you interact with on a regular basis and choose one way to connect on a deeper level.
- To deepen current friendships, authentically compliment your friends. It’s always a good time to tell someone how great they are!
Jamie, Avery, and Lucy are mixing things up for today’s episode! We start with a beautiful reading called What’s So by Werner Erhard. We then offer some journal prompts, and you can pause the podcast to reflect in the moment, or you can hold on to these prompts for later. Finally we discuss our experiences with the nuggets of wisdom from the reading. Feel free to get your journal and a pen ready, so you can take some notes along the way.
Journal prompts:
- What strikes you about the What’s So reading?
- What interferes with you aligning with What’s so?
- What are you experiences in getting caught in interpretations? Do you notice any patterns here?
Do Try this at home:
- Think of What’s So like an invitation.
- A perfect time to practice What’s So is when life doesn’t go according to plan…when things don’t work out like you were expecting.
- Step into the freeing notion that life will just keep bringing more of what’s so – we don’t have to judge or get caught up in the specifics.
Avery, Jamie and Lucy get pretty vulnerable in this episode. We each talk about our own experiences with diet culture, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. We review some of our favorite sources of inspiration and information on this topic and talk about a few helpful questions to consider: How much space do thoughts about diet and body size take up in your life? If you were able to clear some of that space, what else would you be thinking about? What do you value? What are your top priorities? At your funeral, what will people remember about you? What do you find beautiful in other people? Bring 5 people to mind that you love and adore – why do you love and adore them?
We also talk about strategies that help us to pull our focus away from our bodies: Writing love notes to yourself about things that are not body-centered (I am strong, I am grateful, I am loving) and paying close attention to who you are following on social media can really make a difference in how you see yourself. Following a variety of individuals with a variety of body types helps us recognize that there really is space for every BODY.
Do try this at home:
- Steps to having a swimsuit ready body: Have a body, Put on a swimsuit
- Put yourself in situations that challenge your notion of who is able to do what. When you see what you are capable of doing, it can help you to see yourself in a broader view.
- Diet culture is woven into many aspects of our lives and we are often not aware of it. If you haven’t heard the phrases “diet culture” or “anti-diet”, you may want to get a better understanding by looking them up or checking out the resources below. As you start to intentionally notice all the ways that diet culture shows up in your life (advertisements, conversations), you can shift away from it and challenge it. We invite you to be an advocate for change in your own life.
Resources:
- Maintenance Phase https://www.maintenancephase.com/
- Food Psych https://christyharrison.com/all-episodes
- The Body is Not an Apology https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/
- Fuck It Diet https://thefuckitdiet.com/
- Beyond the Shadow of a Diet https://judithmatz.com/books/beyond-a-shadow-of-a-diet/
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy begin our 15-part series on Less is More. Just kidding! We discuss consumption and accumulating vs. decluttering and making do with what we have, the pandemic effects on doing less vs. returning to old, hurried habits/behaviors, overcommitting vs. being intentional about commitments, “luxury fever” and how that affects adults and children, and how to utilize savoring to increase pleasant experiences vs. multi-tasking and wishing for more.
Do Try This at Home:
- Clear space for savoring.
- Pick one thing to declutter and focus on the essential.
- Write out your schedule for the week and ask yourself, “How can I invite less? What can I subtract?”
Avery, Lucy, and Jamie return for a book club episode to close out our series on relationships. We delve into a book called Taking Sexy Back by Alexandra Solomon. We start with an overview of the book, then discuss our comfort with this topic and messages we’ve received about sex throughout our lives. We share our favorite takeaways from the book, including a framework for sexual self-awareness (i.e., making friends with Your Sexy), how we approach sex (i.e., love versus fear; reasons for engaging), sexual desire (i.e., dual control model; responsive vs spontaneous desire), how body image impacts our sexuality, and hook-up culture. Instead of “Do try this at home,” we end this episode by sharing the messages we hope to give others – be it our kids, clients, or friends – around sex.
In this episode, we talk about a variety of strategies that help us to fight fair. We start out by going through our “top ten” list: compromising, apologizing and making amends, acknowledging intent and impact, taking one for the team (without keeping score), accessing support from other sources, going to bed angry, taking responsibility, focusing on the issue at hand, listening, and writing it down. Throughout the episode, we review ways that different styles of communication and the various dynamics in relationships can impact conflict. We end this episode with a couple of bonus strategies as well as some questions you can ask yourself and your partner to help you both fight more fairly.
Do try this at home:
- Look for the bigger meaning under the argument. What is the unspoken topic underneath? Go deeper than the surface topic to avoid having the same argument repeatedly.
- Pay attention to how you argue. Is there anything you can learn about your or your partner’s communication style that can help you fight more fairly in the future.
- Look inward, acknowledge power you do have, and take responsibility for what is yours.
In today’s episode, Avery, Jamie, and Lucy explore the armors of expectations, complaints, and demands that show up in relationships. We discuss what makes these armor and how they impact our relationships. We talk about the importance of both identifying what we want and need, as well as being willing to express this to our partners. We then delineate and explore two practices that we can use instead: making requests and creating agreements.
Do try this at home:
- Try using the language of requests and agreements vs. expectations, complaints, and demands.
- Ask for feedback from your partner (about how things land for them, about where they stand).
- Be mindful about when you use the armor of expectations, complaints, and demands, and instead, practice making requests and agreements. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself during this process.
Today, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery talk about three key and interconnected ingredients for healthy, romantic relationships -- closeness, connection/emotional intimacy, and friendship. We discuss what it means to be close and connected with your partners, the costs of intimacy, and we give pointers on how to strengthen intimacy and friendship in your romantic relationship.
Do try this at home:
- To foster friendship and connection with your partner, touch base with your partner a few times a day by phone, email, or text. It’s best for these interactions to be supportive, friendly, and engaging rather than trying to tackle major issues or continuing an argument.
- Set aside intentional time to be with your partner and do something fun!
- Remember things that you do well with your partner and do those activities to reconnect with your partner.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy begin our podcast series on relationships. We start by reviewing changes in romantic relationships and how they have evolved across the decades, major reasons individuals divorce, and expectations that are placed on romantic partners. We then explore the love “chapters” in long-term relationships --- early idealization, fall from grace/disillusionment, and committed/authentic love. Lastly, we get personal and share our own love stories and how we’ve navigated these “chapters” of love.
Do try this at home:
- Be mindful and examine the ideas and preconceptions you have about the kind of partner and relationship you want. Your ideas/expectations play a role in determining where and with whom you end up.
- Remember that up and down phases in a relationship are normal!
- If you’re in a rough spot in your relationship, think about the early, pleasant experiences in your own love story.
Today we are talking about service to others: Why do we do it? What gets in the way? We discuss the difference between proactive giving and being "voluntold" to give to a certain cause. We also cover intentional giving, protecting boundaries while giving back, and adopting a mindset of serving. We end our conversation by reviewing different ways that we can get involved in our communities and the advantages of giving back.
Do try this at home:
- Tap into your why. What are your values and how can you incorporate these into your acts of service so they are more meaningful and authentic to you?
- Ask yourself, “How can I serve” and see what comes up. Thinking about service to others can de-center us and help us think about the bigger picture.
- Invite some ease around service. Service does not have to be hard or another source of resentment. Service can be enjoyable and it is ok to shift to a different type of activity where your gifts and talents are more in line with the need.
Resources for Service:
www.volnow.org
https://ntfb.org/
https://www.dosomething.org/us
https://engage.pointsoflight.org/
Light a candle, grab a blanket, and get in your pj’s! In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy discuss the importance of comfort. We talk about Hygge---the Danish word used to acknowledge a special feeling or moment which involves coziness and comfort. We share what we personally find comforting. We discuss possible downsides to comfort as well as ineffective comfort strategies. We also touch on the topic of “comfort food” and getting outside of one’s “comfort zone.”
Do try this at home:
- Do an inventory on what you find comforting.
- Give yourself and others permission to intentionally seek comfort.
- Make space for comfort in your life.
This week we start our conversation touching on the practice of setting new year’s resolutions. We have some feelings about this tradition! We talk about the difference between resolutions – which often fail for a variety of reasons – and goals that are more specific and reachable. We end this episode with an invitation to scrap resolutions entirely and instead focus on self-compassion and the concept of enoughness: the belief that we are enough just as we are.
Do try this at home:
- Resist the urge to jump head first into the frenzy of making resolutions and instead reflect on what that is about for you. Why do we keep doing that? What are we trying to achieve? Are there other ways to get what you need by doing less?
- Find a mantra or create one that connects you with your focus for the week or day or hour. Bite size pieces are the most effective.
- If you are trying to set goals, focus on progress over perfection. You may also want to consider inviting yourself to do less. You do not need to change anything about yourself in order to deserve peace and ease and freedom. You are more than enough just as you are.
Resources:
- I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “What will people think” to” I am enough” by Brene Brown
- The Trance of Scarcity by Victoria Castle
- You are a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero
- Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/
Today’s episode begins with Jamie, Lucy, and Avery exploring wonder: instances of wonder, how we experience it in the body, the benefits of wonder, and some of the cultural, personal, and developmental factors that impact our experiences of wonder. We identify 6 facets of wonder: openness, curiosity, bewilderment, hope, connection, and admiration, and we explore how creating “packs” in our lives can help facilitate wonder.
Do try this at home:
- Incorporate time in your week to slow down and be present.
- Do less to allow space to connect with wonder.
- Intentionally tap into your 7-year-old self.
Resources:
- Tracking Wonder by Jeffrey Davis
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy think back to the holiday season last year and discuss one of the things that we missed most: the “hustle and bustle.” We talk about being intentional in keeping the fun parts of the hustle and bustle this year and dropping the not-so-fun aspects of the holiday rush to preserve our mental health.
Do try this at home:
- Enjoy the hustle and bustle.
- Let the parts you don’t enjoy go.
- Incorporate flexibility in your activities.
- Practice self-compassion during the holidays (and the rest of the year too)
The “Not To Do List”: https://sagegrayson.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Sage-Grayson-Not-To-Do-List.pdf
Today Avery, Jamie, and Lucy talk about all things related to Joy. We explore what, exactly, joy is, how we experience joy, barriers to joy, and opportunities for increasing joy in our lives. To help us better understand this topic, we surveyed people with the following 5 questions:
- How do you define joy?
- What are some characteristics of joy? Describe your experiences of joy?
- What brings you joy in your life?
- Tell me your most joy filled memory.
- What interferes with joy?
Do try this at home:
- Intentionally notice joy. Be mindful and aware of things in your life that create joy. (Note: you might have to slow down and get a little still to really notice!)
- Practice gratitude, as this can lead to joy.
- Look for joy in the simple moments.
- Try a Loving Kindness practice. You can start with “I wish for X to be happy” or “May X be free of suffering.” Fill in the blank with someone in your life.
- 3 Breath Meditation: Take 3 breaths. On the first, bring your full attention to the process of breathing. On the second, calm your physical body. On the third, bring joy to mind in any way. If step 3 is hard, deliberately bring a smile to your face and see what happens. (You can also try this using a minute of breaths per step, rather than just a breath.)
For many people the holiday season is not always the most wonderful time of year. According to a recent survey, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reports that approximately 24% of people with a diagnosed mental illness find that the holidays make their condition “a lot” worse and 40% “somewhat” worse. Join Avery, Jamie, and Lucy in their discussion regarding how and why the holiday season can affect one’s mental health. We discuss how stress can arise from a variety of sources including loneliness, hectic schedules, overstimulation, high expectations, comparison-making, personal grief, economic concerns, separation from and/or conflict with family members, and emphasis on food and alcohol. Lastly, we offer suggestions on how to cope more effectively during the holiday season.
Do try this at home:
- Be mindful, name, and validate that holiday stress exists and can exacerbate mental illness.
- Rehearse and role-play how you will approach various holiday events.
- Stick to routines and schedules as best as you can.
- Engage in self-care and take breaks when needed.
- Manage expectations and make holidays “ordinary” to take the pressure off.
- Ask for support from others, including mental health providers.
- 1-800-273-TALK is the National Suicide Crisis Hotline
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy discuss the importance of family traditions. We discuss the characteristics of family traditions (i.e., significance, repetition, and coordination). We talk about the importance of traditions in providing predictability, connection, identity, and as a way to communicate values. We also share how the various types of family rituals/traditions (i.e., connection, love, and community) can be incorporated into our lives and we give examples of our own family traditions. Lastly, we talk about paying attention to the three phases of traditions (i.e., transition, enactment, exit) in order to strengthen family traditions even further.
It’s time for the holidays! Join Lucy, Avery, and Jamie as we kick off our holiday series with an episode on how to create an intentional holiday season. We explore common problems and complaints about the holidays, identifying factors that detract from a more peaceful and meaningful experience. We discuss how to be more intentional this holiday season, as well as the practice of being curious about what lights us up, what depletes up, and what we want to change to better align with our intentions. We then explore how to increase peace and ease while decreasing exhaustion and dread.
Do try this at home:
- Invitation to start a conversation around what your intentions are for the holidays.
- Write down your intentions for the holiday season.
- If an item on your “to-do” list does not align with your intentions, cross that item off the list!
- Identify your purpose for the holiday season. Identify what you want to keep, add, subtract, or alter, with the goal of tapping into as much peace and ease as possible.
Today we wrap up our discussion of the book Being of Power by Baron Baptiste. We have spent the last 3 episodes taking a deep dive into 3 specific practices: Be a Yes, Give it up to Get Empty, and Embrace Naked Reality. In today’s episode, we will explore some of the highlights from the remaining 6 practices Baptiste writes about in his guide to igniting an empowered life.
You do not need to have listened to any of the episodes that came before this, nor do you need to have read the book to follow along or benefit from today’s discussion.
Do try this at home:
- Notice where you are on the continuum between messable and flexible. Where do you feel most empowered?
- Look for opportunities to be intentional in your words or how you fill time/space in your life.
- When you remove judgment and control, you’ll positively transform the energy in your relationships.
In today’s episode we discuss the concept, Embrace Naked Reality, from the book, Being of Power by Baron Baptiste. Embracing naked reality refers to challenging the meaning making that we continuously do. Experiences that we have on a daily basis don’t really have an emotional charge to them --- it’s the meaning or the stories that we give to events or interactions that create that emotional charge. Jamie, Lucy, and Avery share their own examples of emotionally charged interpretations/stories vs. the “naked reality” of each situation. We explore what it feels like to practice taking off the filters (these stories, meanings, and interpretations) and come to a “neutral vision” – meaning there is nothing added that blocks or limits our view. We also share unhelpful stories, particularly stories around fear, that have been beneficial for us to drop and how grounding can be a useful tool to cope.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode. Similarly, you do not need to have listened to the prior episodes in this series for this episode to make sense (though we definitely recommend you listen to all of them!!!).
Do try this at home:
- Start naming your stories/interpretations as stories and interpretations (rather than facts).
- Use essential, simple language when describing your experience.
- Ask questions and be curious about your experience rather than making assumptions.
In today’s episode we continue our in-depth dive into the book Being of Power by Baron Baptiste. The book offers 9 practices to ignite an empowered life. Last week we talked about the principle of “Be a Yes,” and today we are focusing on the practice of “Give it Up to Get Empty.” We talk about the excess “bricks” that we carry around, that weigh us down, and that interfere with us being our authentic selves. We identify the following bricks: fear, expectations, fault/blame, stories/interpretation, control, and goal-driven, get-it-right, be-right, do-it-perfectly-or-not-at-all attitudes. We share Baptiste’s 3 step process for dropping the bricks: awareness, acceptance, and declaration. We also explore how we make space for grace in our lives.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode. Similarly, you do not need to have listened to the prior episodes in this series for this episode to make sense (though we definitely recommend you listen to all of them!!!).
Do try this at home:
- Do an inventory and decide “What do I need to give up…right here, right now?”
- Know your bricks and practice naming them.
- Instead of adding something on, see what you can give up.
- Use your emotions to work backwards into your bricks:
- If feeling frustrated, ask if there is an expectation brick.
- If you feel stopped, ask if fear is present.
Today’s episode marks the beginning of a four-part series. In this installment, we do a deep dive into one of the topics that we found to be most helpful and relevant in the book Being of Power by Baron Baptiste. Avery, Lucy, and Jamie explore “Being a Yes” or “being confident in your ability to turn difficulty into possibility.” We talk about what can get in the way of “being a yes” and focus on a step-by-step strategy to "Be a Yes."
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.
“Being a Yes” exercise:
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Choose an area of your life where you feel stuck or shut down. The first one that comes to mind is probably a good one to go with.
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Take out a piece of paper and write down the negative thoughts about that part of your life: worries, concerns, complaints. Don’t judge or filter, just tell the truth and get it down on paper.
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Get really calm, notice your feet on the floor, and observe if there’s even a tiny sense of “something new is possible.” Write those thoughts down too.
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Get clear on your intention. It may become clear just by writing and paying attention to your thoughts. If you need more clarity, you may ask yourself questions like:
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“What really matters to me in life?”
- “Who do I aspire to be?”
- “What do I value”
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“Who am I choosing to be for others and myself?”
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Commit to the intention. Write it down: I am going to do that. I am going to be that.
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As you remain committed to the intention, pay attention to what takes you out of the intention. What is the resistance you are working against? “Our resistance dissolves by relaxing with what is and holding that space for something new to open up” (p.15).
Do try this at home:
- Try the “Being a Yes” exercise
- Quite often, we are wishy washy in our language, but there is power in declaration. Set your intention and say, “I am committed to…” Drop the “I want” and instead say “I am.”
- To be courageous means to live with and from the heart. Practice living from the heart.
- We would love to connect with you and hope you’ll check out our Facebook group!
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy continue their discussion on perfectionism, which often stems from the belief that we are not enough or not worthy. We discuss conditional statements for worth that implicate perfectionism and explore all the sneaky ways that perfectionism can appear in our lives including school, work, parenting, intimate relationships, our environment, and physical appearance. We then offer several strategies to combat perfectionism.
Do try this at home:
- Make a cost/benefit analysis of perfectionistic behaviors and prioritize.
- Let ourselves experiment.
- Be aware of your self-talk and your tendencies. Do you use words like “should” or “must,” or do you put yourself down often? By becoming more aware of your patterns, you’re in a better position to alter them.
- Remind yourself you are more than your accomplishments and your possessions. Ask yourself, “How do I want people to remember me?”
- Utilize mindfulness to label your experience and then brainstorm other ways to demonstrate your big-picture values.
Our fifth book club is on Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb. In this episode we provide a brief overview of the book, discuss our own paths to becoming psychologists, talk about which characters we resonate with the most, and explain what we think are the most important aspects of the therapeutic relationship.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.
Do try this at home:
- Read the book! It gives a window into what therapy can look like.
- Practice opening up and being more accepting.
- Pay attention and find compassion (even for difficult people).
In this episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery talk about the mental health field and the process of seeking professional support. We discuss signs of when we might need outside assistance, and we differentiate professional support from friendship. We share about the mental health landscape: types of providers, levels of care, and types of interventions found on an outpatient basis. We demystify the process of choosing and getting settled in with a therapist, and we also examine investment in and barriers to treatment. Lastly, we debunk common myths about seeking professional support.
Do try this at home:
- Think of therapy as a container to hold on to things you can’t access at the moment (like hope!).
- The more willing and open you are, the more helpful therapy will be.
- There are many paths. Be curious about what you might need and try to seek out whatever that might be.
In today’s episode, Avery, Lucy, and Jamie discuss perfectionism---the need to appear or be perfect. We discuss the various ways that perfectionism manifests as a trait and in behaviors, share some of our own tendencies towards perfectionism, provide examples of perfectionism across the lifespan and in various activities, and discuss the downfalls and mental health consequences of perfectionism.
Do try this at home:
- Be intentional about doing an activity “half-assed.”
- Practice engaging in activities for joy and connection.
- Try new things and have a “beginner’s mindset” stance.
Most of us are in easy agreement that we should refrain from being assholes to others, yet we often speak to ourselves in harsh, critical, and self-aggressive ways. In today’s episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy explore the ways that people (including us!) are assholes to themselves, both overtly and subconsciously. We talk about how we often speak to ourselves so differently than we would speak to a friend or even a stranger. We identify various Inner Voices: The Critic, The Excuse Maker, The Victim, The Worrier, The Caretaker, and The Enforcer. We describe each of these and examine how they show up in our lives.
Do try this at home:
- Accept what’s so. (Accept things as they are right now.)
- Our heads can get really crowded with all those voices inside! Take time to slow down and be with your true self.
- When you notice a lot of chatter in your head, you can tune in and ask yourself: “What else is going on” and “What do I need to do to take care of myself right now?”
- Practice showing up for yourself with compassion when your inner critic gets loud.
- Try using a mantra such as “I’m just enough as I am.”
- Have the explicit goal of “Don’t be an asshole to myself.”
- Try talking to yourself like you would speak to a friend.
In today’s episode, Avery, Lucy, and Jamie talk about Cognitive Load. Cognitive load refers to the cognitive energy associated with planning and managing tasks. We talk about our own experiences with cognitive load and offer some validation that the cognitive load of various roles can become quite heavy and overwhelming at times. Next, we discuss how we assess for cognitive load and attempt to distribute it in an equitable way. We end this episode with a discussion of strategies to cope with burnout and ways we can access support from others.
Do try this at home:
- How do we think about cognitive load, recognize it, name it? It can be helpful to list the things that you are taking responsibility for and mentally managing so you can get clear on which tasks you are a “yes” for and which ones you need to pass off or get help with.
- Turning inward and assessing your own capacity for additional cognitive tasks and communicating that to those around you can be helpful in maintaining your cognitive energy.
- The conversation about cognitive load is an important one to have with your partner or loved ones especially if you are feeling overwhelmed or burned out.
Helpful articles/links:
- What Is The Mental Load? Women's Invisible Labor
- The hidden load: How 'thinking of everything' holds mums back
- This Comic Perfectly Explains the Mental Load Working Mothers Bear
- Mental Load: Examples, How to Talk About It, & More
- ResilienceConnection.com
In today’s episode, Avery, Lucy, and Jamie talk about The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. We discuss different topics that are brought up in the book such as the importance of clearly identifying the purpose of why we gather and being intentional about who we include in certain gatherings, where we host them, and how we show up as hosts. As we review the book, we talk about some of our own gatherings and different ways that this book might inspire our future gatherings.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.
Do try this at home:
- Be more intentional about gatherings by focusing on more than just the logistics.
- Clearly identify the purpose of the gathering.
- A clear purpose becomes a filter and helps to make decisions like who to invite or where to have the gathering.
In today’s episode, Avery, Lucy, and Jamie discuss nostalgia---the sentimentality for the past, typically for a particular period or place with positive associations. We explore the purpose, pros, and cons of nostalgia, share some of our own nostalgic memories, discuss how nostalgia gets triggered through music, fragrance, and mood states, talk about “retro” things, and discuss how nostalgia can be used as a positive coping tool for self and others.
Do try this at home:
- Try out intentionally using nostalgia to shift your mood.
- Be mindful of the joy and sadness associated with nostalgia.
- If you find yourself in a situation in which you’re reminiscing about your past and other people start drifting away because they haven’t had that experience with you, ask them about their experiences in order to foster connection.
In episode 18, Lucy, Avery, and Jamie focus on change, specifically on how to cope with life transitions and changing circumstances in our lives (including both “positive” and “negative” change). We identify some common sources of change, share about our own experiences with and responses to change, and discuss resistance to change. We also explore our favorite strategies for coping with change.
Do try this at home:
- Have compassion for yourself and nurture yourself with good self-care. (Care for yourself as you would care for someone else.)
- Be mindful of your self-talk. “I am, I can, I will, I do.”
- For creatures of habit: intentionally change things up in your life to practice working that muscle of change and flexibility.
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about gratitude! We discuss what gratitude entails, why it matters, and benefits of gratitude (physically, emotionally, and socially). We also talk about what gets in the way of gratitude, share personal examples of who and what we’re grateful for, talk about disingenuous gratitude, explore the influences of media and consumerism on gratitude, and discuss ways to incorporate more gratitude practices into our lives. Lastly, we encourage our listeners to engage in the #fuckingthankful challenge with us!
Do try this at home:
- Ask yourself, “What is there to be thankful for?”, particularly when you are experiencing difficult emotions.
- Pick a gratitude practice and try it out!
- Associate what you are thankful for with the word “gift.”
In today’s episode, Avery, Lucy, and Jamie talk about speaking the truth. We start our conversation by talking about what happens to us physically and emotionally when we don’t tell the truth. Even small seemingly insignificant lies can impact how we feel about ourselves and how we show up in our relationships with others, but the desire to please or keep the peace can interfere with telling the truth. We talk about how we determine when truth needs to be spoken in our own lives and how truth can be spoken in a direct and compassionate way.
Do try this at home:
- Look for opportunities where you can speak the truth. This may require tuning in and looking inward.
- Notice those white lies you tend to tell and see what it would be like to respond more authentically and honestly
- Pay attention to your tone when telling the truth. Speaking truth in a gentle easy manner can settle your own nervous system and help calm the person on the receiving end as well.
- If you know something say something. If truth keeps tapping at the door, find a way to say it.
Our third book club episode is on The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner. In this episode we provide an overview of the book and discuss key takeaways that resonated most with each of us (e.g., trust your body, the crisis/famine state we put our bodies in when we diet, the power of making all foods legal). We share about our own relationships with food and our bodies. We also debrief on our #liethefuckdown challenge, inspired by Dooner’s recommendation to lie down for 10 minutes/day.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.
Do try this at home:
- Read The F*ck It Diet!
- Trust your body to do what’s best for you.
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liethefuckdown {Let’s start a movement!}
In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about getting older! We reflect on what it’s been like for us personally as we go through our middle age stage of life---physically, emotionally, and socially. We discuss society’s view of aging including some of the negative stereotypes associated with aging and how many of us have internalized negative messages about aging. We also explore resistance to aging versus embracing aging, and share our own fears and excitement about getting older.
Do try this at home:
- Be mindful of what we want for ourselves as we age.
- Be present and treasure what you have rather than what you don’t have.
- Embrace the adventure of each day. As we get older, life can get richer and more meaningful in so many ways!
Compassion (and more specifically self-compassion) is THE Secret Sauce in thriving and in living with peace and ease. Join Lucy, Jamie, and Avery as we talk about why compassion is so important, our experiences with compassion, barriers to compassion, and how we can practice integrating self-compassion into our lives.
In this episode we discuss:
- What is compassion? And what is the opposite of compassion? (Spoiler alert: the opposite of compassion is self-judgment/self-aggression!)
- Principles of compassion
- Our experiences with compassion
- Barriers to self-compassion
- Practices that facilitate compassion
Do try this at home:
- Try a “Self-Compassion Break” (from Kristin Neff). Repeat these 3 phrases to yourself:
- This is a moment of suffering.
- Everyone has hardships or suffering in life.
- May I accept myself just the way I am.
- Be on the lookout for your Inner Critic. When you notice it, shift to a voice that you would use with a friend or child.
- Practice compassion as much as you can. Hands on body. Allow. Soften.
Resources:
- Kristin Neff: https://self-compassion.org/
- Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/
- Lucy’s compassion practice: https://drlucysmith.com/mindfulness-practices
Curiosity is living from a state of inquiry. There is a closing off that happens when we feel like we have to have it all figured out or when we feel like we have to be the expert. Curiosity fosters openness and acceptance and is an important tool when engaging in the present and in thinking about the future. Curiosity can give us the space to learn and grow. In this episode, we talk about how to foster curiosity, what can interfere with curiosity, and how curiosity can help us to connect to ourselves and one another.
In this episode we discuss:
- How to foster curiosity
- What can interfere with curiosity
- How curiosity can help us connect to ourselves and each other
Do try this at home:
- Give yourself time to be curious: journaling, in conversations with others
- Let go of the need to be right. Tune into that and ask, “What is being right costing me?”
- Bring curiosity along. Ask, “Where is curiosity and how can I bring it with me?”…especially if you notice yourself shutting down, closing off, or digging in.
Anxiety disorders affect approximately 18% of the population. Apart from diagnosed anxiety disorders, anxiety symptoms affect most, if not all, of us from time to time. Anxiety isn’t all bad. The ability to look ahead and avoid negative consequences is very helpful and keeps us safe. However, worry is not always helpful and sometimes just causes emotional discomfort. Many situations can cause an increase in anxiety (e.g., the recent pandemic experience and flying on airplanes). Anxiety can affect our functioning and keep us out of the present. In this episode, we discuss the physical and cognitive symptoms of anxiety and review strategies that can be helpful in managing anxiety.
In this episode we discuss:
- The function of anxiety – when it works for us and when it works against us
- How anxiety manifests, including both physical and cognitive symptoms
- Strategies to help manage and alleviate anxiety
Do try this at home:
- Interrupt the cycle of anxious rumination. When you find yourself getting caught on a thought train, exit by coming into your body and the present moment.
- Practice. Incorporate things that are relaxing into your daily schedule, so they are easily accessible when you experience an increase in anxiety.
- Keep track. Take note where you are on the anxiety spectrum and track what is helpful to you and what gets in your way.
Our second book club episode is on Untamed by Glennon Doyle. In this episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery explore Glennon’s 4 Keys to Freedom: 1) Feel it All, 2) Be Still and Know, 3) Dare to Imagine, and 4) Build and Burn. We also highlight our favorite nuggets of wisdom about parenting that Glennon shares in Untamed.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.
In this episode we discuss:
- Key 1: Feel it All {Pain vs suffering; how we avoid our feelings; how to befriend our feelings}
- Key 2: Be Still and Know {Stop doing. Be still. Sink into the body. Get a nudge to the next right thing. Opposite of the “poll and research” strategy}
- Key 3: Dare to Imagine {What is true and beautiful?}
- Key 4: Build and Burn {Must destroy the “good enough” to build the “true and beautiful”}
- Parenting nuggets of wisdom garnered from Untamed
Do try this at home:
- Pick one of the Keys to Freedom (perhaps the one that resonated with you the most or the one you think you need the most) and practice it in your life
In today’s episode, Avery, Jamie, and Lucy talk about accessing support. We sometimes get the message that we should be able to do everything on our own, but we all need help sometimes. We talk about how it feels to ask for help, the barriers to asking for help, and the benefits of giving and receiving support.
In this episode we discuss:
- What happens when we don’t ask for help and how asking for help can impact our relationships
- How it feels to ask for help and what gets in the way of asking for help when we need it
- The benefits of asking for help (both for the asker and one being asked)
- How to ask for help in a clear and direct way
Do try this at home:
- Give yourself a permission slip to ask for help – you don’t have to do it all yourself!
- Inventory people in your life: who is reliable, dependable, and trustworthy? If you have difficulty asking for help, start higher up on the list.
- Remember that as humans, we feel good when we can help someone else. Allow others to have that positive experience of helping someone by asking them to help you. As an added bonus, asking someone for help lets them know we trust them, which strengthens our relationship.
In today’s episode, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery discuss the importance and difficulties of saying no. We explore how to make more room in our lives for things that truly matter by saying one of the bravest words---no. We share anecdotes of our own struggles and successes in this area, review a “personal bill of rights” which provides rationale for saying no, and role play assertive and not so assertive ways of saying no.
In this episode we discuss:
- How we have the right to say no to harmful, hurtful, or toxic things and relationships, as well as energy-draining activities and relationships
- How we have the right to assert what we want and what happens when we say yes when we really mean no
- How we have the right to say no to stories that don’t work for us
- How we have the right to take our time regarding our decision-making
- How we have the right to be honest with ourselves, be in the present moment, and connect with ourselves
- We also review the pragmatics of saying no assertively
Do try this at home:
- Discern what seasons of life are a “blanket” no to reduce cognitive effort in everyday decision-making
- Give ourselves permission to say no in order to make space for things that truly matter
- Say no to thoughts and stories that lead to anxiety and regret and are not useful to us
“Do it Afraid” is one of our favorite mantras, and in today’s episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy explore what this phrase means and how to put it into practice in our lives. We talk about ways that we play it safe and ways that we take risks, as well as the pros and cons of each. We share about how to support ourselves while doing things that align with our goals/values but that terrify us nonetheless.
In this episode we discuss:
- Fear we heed vs fear we challenge
- How we Play it Safe
- Why we might want to take risks, and what gets in the way of taking risks
- What it means to Do it Afraid – how this feels
- How to support yourself before, during, and after Doing it Afraid
Do try this at home:
- Figure out the cues to distinguish between fear we should listen to and fear we should push back against
- Make verbal commitments. Say it out loud!
- Experiment! Play with all of this, harnessing courage and willingness
In today’s episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery talk about all things related to validation. We think of validation as a fundamental communication and healing skill, which, in essence, says “I see you.” There is great power in being seen, heard, and understood just as we are. We explore what validation is and what it is not. (HINT: validation is not approval, agreement, reassurance, judgment, or problem solving.) We share common ways that we invalidate ourselves and others, and we also talk about how to validate. We illustrate all of this with some concrete examples.
In this episode we discuss:
- The rational for why we want to validate ourselves and others
- What it means (and does not mean) to validate
- Common pitfalls of invalidation
- When we should validate
- How to validate
Do try this at home:
- Practice naming your feelings. Write down what you are feeling in the moment. (Remember that feelings are typically one word…thoughts are several words strung together!)
- Be mindful of the process of validation and invalidation, and begin to notice how those feel to you.
- Stay in the present when interacting with another human – avoid going into the past or future.
In our first book club episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy discuss The Trance of Scarcity by Victoria Castle. We talk about Victoria’s brilliant metaphor of being “in the Circle” (where you live with flow, abundance, vitality, and ease) versus being “out of the Circle” (where life is defined by a sense of not enough-ness, constriction, urgency, separateness, and depletion). We explore two ways for getting back in the Circle: trading up our Stories and tuning into our Somas (a fancy phrase for physical bodies). Throughout the episode, we share about our personal experiences to help bring these concepts to life in real and applied ways.
Note: No prior reading/knowledge of this book is required to enjoy and benefit from this episode.“Your job is not to figure everything out. Your job is to tune in and become available to infinite possibility.” – Victoria Castle, The Trance of Scarcity
In this episode we discuss:
- How it feels and what it’s like to be “in” versus “out” of the Circle
- Common factors that pull us out of the Circle
- Ways to get back into the Circle, including how to catch/trade up our Stories and how to work directly with our Somas
Do try this at home:
- Practice offering yourself compassion ( “Oh Darling” and hands on body)
- Focus on what is, not what is missing
- Notice and work with your body/soma – intentionally loosen and soften any tension/constriction
- Notice and name when you are in or out of the Circle – practice curiosity
Avery, Lucy, and Jamie chat about Wise Mind (aka, “Intuition” or “Knowing”) in the fourth episode. We discuss how to tap into one’s inner wisdom through incorporating emotions, thoughts, and the body, rather than over-relying on external sources to make effective decisions. We share stories of our own struggles connecting with Wise Mind and what we have learned to overcome these barriers.
In this episode we discuss:
- Definitions of Wise Mind, Emotion Mind, and Reasonable Mind, as well as providing personal examples of each
- Guiding principles of connecting with Wise Mind
- Barriers to tapping into Wise Mind
- How Wise Mind can be useful to parenting
- Tips for connecting with Wise Mind
Do try this at home:
- Listen to all facets of our direct experience
- Focus on the breath
- Pause between urges/urgency and behaviors
- Stop multi-tasking
- Tune in and ask yourself, “What does my wise mind say about this?”
Warning: this episode is coming in hot with a few unexpected F-bombs. Be prepared! Or at least pop in your earbuds if you have small kids loitering or skip to the 52 second mark to avoid altogether! In today’s episode we talk about the importance of play. As adults, it can be hard to connect with “nonproductive” activity such as play. Jamie, Lucy, and Avery share their own experiences with play, discuss benefits of play, and encourage listeners to experiment with play to connect more fully with themselves and the world, both personally and professionally.
We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.—George Bernard Shaw.
In this episode we discuss:
- Play’s impact on our brains and overall well-being (the lesson of the sea squirt!)
- How play differs from other activities
- Connecting with childhood memories of play
- Different modes of play
- Tips for creating more opportunities for play
Do try this at home:
- Find everyday opportunities to play
- Connect to play through movement
- Create a safe space for play
- Allow yourself to be a beginner again
- Surround yourself with others who are supportive of play
Join Jamie, Lucy, and Avery for an episode on The Pandemic Experience, recorded in April of 2021. As we look back over the last year, we reflect on our personal journeys and what we have noticed from a professional standpoint in our work as psychologists. We talk about the strategies that have helped us cope with challenges this year and the lessons we hope to hold onto going forward.
In this episode we discuss:
- The pandemic experience over the past year
- What we have noticed personally and professionally
- Naming what's so
- Different aspects of the pandemic experience that have caused stress over the last year and as the world starts to re-open
- How different age groups/populations have been impacted differently
- What has been helpful in surviving and even thriving in the pandemic, including coping strategies and lessons learned
Do try this at home:
- Offer yourself compassion and validation
- Look for ways to make meaning out of the challenge
- Be intentional about holding on to some of the lessons learned
- Gratitude
- Connect to self and others
- Stay resourced
This first episode introduces you to Drs. Avery Hoenig, Jamie Wilson, and Lucy Smith, the creators and co-hosts of the Inspiration from the Couch podcast. As both psychologists and moms, they have created this podcast to share the pearls of wisdom that they have found transformative in their personal lives and in their professional endeavors. In Episode 1, Avery, Jamie, and Lucy tell you about themselves and about the process of creating Inspiration from the Couch. They also give a sneak peek of what lies ahead for listeners in future episodes.
In this episode we discuss:
- Who we are (moms and psychologists in private practice in Dallas, TX!)
- Our motivation for creating a podcast
- Inspiration behind the name
- What we hope listeners gain from our show
- A sneak peak of what’s ahead