The Right Now Project: Recent Episodes
Guy Macpherson
The Right Now Project is a podcast about the process and courage of the healing journey. The Right Now Project is a membership site dedicated to anyone who is struggling and would like support, information and inspiration. What if there was a place where people could share their stories and struggles they were dealing with in their lives, and share how they moved through those struggles? And what if we came to this site because we, too, had our own struggles we were trying to manage (big or small) and we shared our stories and people became inspired by us? It’s about honoring who we are. Allowing ourselves to take the first—sometimes scary, courageous, are you kidding me?—step on our healing journey. It’s about supporting one another without judgement and with complete kindness and allowing who we are and our stories to inspire others. And you better believe they will. Yes please! Welcome to The Right Now Project!
I'm at the point where I've realized that I can no longer look to something or someone outside of myself to heal myself.
I've done it.
It sucks.
No white horses are coming to save me.
I have to do the work.
And for me, the work involves reexamining my beliefs, my values, and how I've shown up in relationships and asking the questions, the tough questions about what the answers to those questions are.
I'm up for the challenge.
Oh, and one more thing: This is a day to day process, comittment. A moment to moment exploration.
For my it's a day to day, moment by moment cultivation of awareness.
I'm becoming more and more aware of the things and people and states and emotions that aren't serving me. That are in fact bringing me down.
And I can no longer afford to give those things energy.
I'm at this point where I'm becoming hyper aware of the emotions and things and people that are serving me and helping me to create the future that I want.
Please don't ask me to articulate what exactly that looks like because I'm not there yet!
I am getting there though.
And that excites me!
I'll tell you about it as it comes into view!
For the first time I find myself thinking about how the heck my life is going to unfold in the wake of this divorce.
And that's crucial, because when this all went down I couldn't even imagine getting to this point.
People would say, "Oh, it was the best thing that's ever happened to me," and on and on and on.
And though I wouldn't necessarily say that, I will say that I'm getting excited, albeit a little, about heading out to Italy on an eating tour!
Oh man.
That proverbial 2x4 that smacked into my head saying, "Guy, I want a divorce," stung like a mo fo', but it also woke me up.
I've spent the last 2 weeks really doing a deep dive into my thoughts and beliefs and actions and I think for the first time in my life asking myself, "Okay, how are you going to move forward?"
I've got the magnifying glass out and my examining my beliefs and actions and I've discovered a few things I'm not so proud of and need to fix.
Welcome to Guy's Inner-World Fix-it and Repair.
I'm done.
I'm done feeling as if something happened to me.
I'm done feeling like a victim.
I'm done feeling as though I have to do this and that and wait for this and that and hopefully something's going to change and then, and then my life's going to get better.
Nope.
I'm ready to change.
I'm ready to change myself in order to move into this next phase and stage of my life.
And this requires me exploring myself.
It means looking at my thoughts and beliefs and actions.
It means examining my subconscious thoughts and limiting beliefs and then envisioning the kind of future I want to have.
Phfew.
Is this work?
Yes, of course it is.
But you know what?
I'm fucking ready.
Let's do this.
Uh, yeah last week something happened that truly changed my life.
I know it sounds crazy but it's true.
This divorce thing has been and continues to be a roller coaster of emotions and fits and starts and one step forward three back.
Oh yes, and it's been a juggling fiery machetes type thing blindfolded, too.
I'm doing it, though.
Let's go.
How can you possibly know how to deal with the trauma of divorce?
You can't.
You don't realize that the hell is involved when you're not in it.
I never did.
I just thought about two people no longer being married.
And yes, that sucks. And is sad and is awful (for some!).
But there is so much more that we don't think about.
That I certainly never thought about.
Well, today, there's more and I have to deal.
Yep.
That's the grade I'm giving myself, a C-.
Actually, you know what, on second thought I'll give msyelf a B.
That's more accurate.
And honestly, it's less depressing.
I need positivity.
I've earned a B, too.
Today I take do a little self-assessment of how I've been doing.
I'm going to give myself a "pass."
I'll give myself a B+ for effort as there are things I could be doing and also things I could be doing more of, that I talk about here.
It's challenging.
It's hard.
We keep moving.
We have to.
I've always said, even as this all began for me, that I refused to be that person sitting over there in the cornere with a blanket over their head, weeping.
Guy, get the f up and keep moving.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Well we know there is no map.
There is no clearly defined path.
Or playbook for healing.
And what is healing anyway?
How are we--you, me and everyone--defining it?
When you're in it, in the throes of dealing with stuff it's my belief that you've got to keep moving.
I have to keep bobbing and weaving despite the stalls and the quicksand and the anger and sadness and pain.
I have to keep moving even if it's just one step.
And even if it's a few steps back.
Keep moving.
Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
This stuff hits us all a bit differently.
We find ourselves reacting to some things more than other things.
But we have to move through it all.
Sadness will find us.
The anger will find us.
The pain will find us.
Keep going.
There is a manual, right?
Someone must have a specific and concrete way to get through this already outlined out.
Nope.
Unfortunately, we have to pave our own way, make our own trail.
And yes, of course, we can use some of the guideposts that others have put out there, but in reality, as I'm finding, it's one foot in front of the other.
Perhaps at a slow pace. Maybe at time a bit faster.
Negativity and depression and fear will come around. Oh yes.
They were flitting around me the other night.
And what did I do?
I caught it, right there. Stopped it. And brought back my little gift bag of positive thoughts I have at the ready.
We have to create those little tools to get us through.
I'm not scared to say it's hard.
It is.
But I also realize that no one's coming through my door to fix me and make all this pain go away, either.
We have to keep positive and healthy and steady and surround ourselves with supporters.
We have to.
Otherwise...
Otherwise we wallow, we get negative, we regress, and we get nowhere.
Life is too short.
How we--I--deal with what's in front of us determines everything.
Yes, it's easy to complain about what I'm going through. And to get pissed off, and to become angry.
And believe me, I've done that.
But, in order to create an incredible life for myself and my kids I've got to take control of how I perceive the events going on.
I have to.
This is an ongoing process for me.
Learning to trust myself.
To honor myself and all the small and large imperfections of who I am.
It's truly a two steps forward one step back kind of journey.
But I am moving forward.
Uh, Guy, don't look, buddy, but you are officially alone.
Yep.
In this episode I share somem thoughts on my first night alone in the apartment.
No partner.
No kiddos.
We get through these experiences, right?
Yes, but along the way we have to deal with everything going on.
Or not.
And that's a whole other story.
How do we find our genuine paths?
And what exactly do we need to do, what steps and actions do we need to take?
Open Authenticity is coming in February 2023.
http://openauthenticity.com/
My therapist called me out the other day.
And I'm happy for it.
She said, Do you realize you're not allowing yourself to feel these emotions?
And I thought for a second.
A little pissed off.
But she was right.
I'm good at recognizing my emotions.
Any and all of 'em.
But I don't want to feel some of them.
Sadness and fear are pretty much the main ones.
And as a result, I'm not processing them and working through them.
We all know what's going to happen if we avoid them.
Oh yeah, she also told me I was really good at avoidance.
This therapist is good.
I've always been someone who likes creating lists like "to do" lists.
However, in the wake of all this going on I find myself making more lists.
I've got lists on books I need to read specifically related to "life after divorce."
I've got "getting back into my art" lists.
And on and on and on.
I think the point I want to make here is this: We all have our own process about how we move through experiences like this.
I find myself looking over one list and then feel like I'm neglecting this other list over here which has to be more important.
For me the hard part has been trying to stay positive and strong.
One step in front of the other.
Just breathe.
I keep telling myself these things.
Oftentimes in the wake of a life changing event we look for external support.
Of course we need it.
We're human.
At some point however, we need to realize that we're responsible for our own healing.
What's the next step?
Hell, what's my first step in this process?
I find myself looking for permission.
I'm noticing myself needing some kind of external recongition that I'm doing it "right," that I'm on the "correct" path of healing.
And of course we all know that there isn't one "right" path.
But just taking that very first step requires that we believe in ourselves, tha we trust oursleves--even if we might not see immediate results.
Just keep taking the next best step.
Keep moving.
How do we know when we're doing it "right"?
And how are we defining "right"?
I don't know.
I do know that in the wake of my divorce I am riddled with the thought that I have to recreate my life now and that every step I'm taking with parenting my kids as a single dad, is wrong.
And then I begin to think about my favorite word--trust.
More specifically--self-trust.
Yep, that's what it's all about.
Yesterday my wife/ex-wife actually, moved out.
After fifteen years of marriage.
So many emotions floating around me. I feel like I'm juggling emotions.
And it's so easy to get swept up, to allow myself to get swept up and then to quickly find myself in some negative emotional whirl pool.
Sorry. I'm not doing it.
I'm trying not to do it!
Every day it's a step by step process of being super intentional and aware of how I'm allowing this process to impact me, of what how I'm responding, and then of trying to be self-aware.
It's hard.
It is.
But I--We!--have a choice.
I think that a lot of us, when we're going through something like I'm going through right now (meaning, a divorce), receive support from many different directions.
Then we have to wade through those bits of information, the advice and suggestions and thoughts about how others feel you should be acting or reacting or responding.
And yes, most times people mean well. They're offering advice with the best of intentions.
It's been making me wonder, though, whether I'm healing "right." Whehter I'm doing it the "right" way?
I wonder if I'm missing something?
Or if I'm going to screw it up and make a "wrong" decision?
And then when all the dust settles on that idea, I'm left with this realization: I've got to trust my gut.
That realization gives me a bit of grounding.
Still, it's a bit like walking out on a tightrope in a weird way, I will say that.
I have to rely on me.
On my heart.
On my gut.
My soon to be ex-wife walked inside.
Went behind the counter and told me she wanted a divorce.
Out of the blue.
No red flags. Nothing.
In that instant my identity changed.
In this episode I share what the heck is going on and how I'm dealing with this suddenY shift in identity and what I'm doing to stay healthy and sane.
I'm scared. Wait! Did I just say that?
Going through what I'm going through now I'm finding that there's a lot of stuff coming up.
Anxiety--I'm used to dealing with that. It sucks but I can manage.
Frustration--same.
Sadness--Nope. I have a very hard time dealing with it. I don't want to face it. I find that I'm doing a lot to avoid it.
I'm creating projects around situations that are very sad in order to avoid feeling the emotion. This is taking up a lot of mental energy and as a result I can avoid the feeling.
It’s also making wonder why I’m avoiding it.
I don’t want to feel weak.
I don’t want to look weak in front of other people. In front of my kids.
Fear. Another one. Again nope. I’m not as good at dealing with this one.
I think I’m learning though through this process that I have to allow these emotions to come. All of them.
I have to allow them to come.
I must allow them to be.
And I then need to learn to work with them and whatever comes up.
This means that I’m going to have to take a hard look at…what I’m avoiding.
Otherwise, what?
Otherwise I’m spending a lot of time and energy avoiding things.
Otherwise it feels as though it’s holding this power over me.
Or I’m allowing it to do so.
Feel it. Work through it.
Yes, it sucks, but move through it.
Okay, deep breath.
Let's each of us stay strong.
For me this process of going through a divorce has been coming in phases.
Let's just say that I'm in the Fear phase.
Do I like admitting that?
Fu*k no.
But it's here and I'm doing my best to move with it, move through it, and use it to move on.
Alright, Guy. Let's see how you do that.
Join me at: http://therightnowproject.com/
Uncovering who we are.
Trusting who we are.
It seems as though these should be a given.
Well, they certainly weren't for me.
But what happens when we begin to do these things?
Magic.
Join me at: http://therightnowproject.com/
The journey of getting to the core of who we are is often times a very challenging process.
It certainly is for me.
It’s an ongoing process, it’s a day-to-day struggle sometimes.
Why does this matter?
Because I think that when we allow ourselves to trust our gut, to trust who we, we in turn allow that person sitting in front of us to also do the same.
And then we begin to communicate truthfully, honestly, with vulnerability.
I believe that this is the foundation of incredible relationships and also healing.
Is this easy?
No, not at all.
But I believe that in a sense, in a very real sense, it’s freeing.
Join me at: http://therightnowproject.com/
It is my belief that we each have this door within us and behind which is an incredible ocean of potential and beauty and force and love.
You might be asking, Well, why is there a door there?
You might refer to it as a mask or something else.
It's always been my belief that we--and yes, I'm speaking about myself, too--use that door to hide behind.
We use that door as protection.
Sometimes we allow it to swing open, but just a bit, or for just a certain amount of time.
And then we allow it to swing shut again.
We're safe.
We use that door to prevent others from seeing who we truly are: our gifts, our weaknesses, our struggles as well as our strengths.
I know I've spent a lot of time trying to work through this and frustrated at my own inability to simply be myself.
For example I spent a lot of time feeling as though I couldn't give myself entirely to my art because, well, because maybe it wouldn't be accepted, or because I knew that my father wouldn't approve of it or value it, and on and on and on.
Case in point:
- I finished high school.
- Went to one year at what was then Philadelphia College of Art.
- Dropped out to play music for several years.
- Then began writing fiction for several years.
- After 18 years went back to school to do the prerequisites to get into medical school. (during which people would say to me, "Guy, don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought of being a therapist? You'd be really good.")
- That didn't work out (thankfully!) and so I pivoted and applied to get my doctorate in clinical psychology knowing I wanted to focus on studying trauma.
- After I graduated I worked at a clinic in California for 5 years.
- Then I decided I needed to start a podcast (as well as create a business) to help inspire new trauma therapists and raise the awareness of trauma.
My point in sharing this is that I never thought I'd be hosting a podcast, and now about to launch a second one!
I never imagined that my path would be this circuitous.
But I want to say this: my path has allowed me and now empowered me to write what I'm writing now.
And I can honestly say that things are changing for me now in the best of ways.
My door is coming off the hinges.
I love my ocean of potential and possibilities.
I'm no longer content with having my ocean hide or reside behind a door.
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
Yes, it is.
It's really happening.
In this episode I share more about the day to day details of how my divorce is impacting me, what I'm doing to help move through this, and the surprising things I've discovered about what happens when you have to dissolve a relationship and a marriage.
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
Yes, this is really happening.
In this episode I continue with the story of my divorce and share how this is continuing to impact me, the feelings that have been coming up, and also, and I think most importantly, the actions I took initially and the ones I'm continuing to take that are helping me stay sane.
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
I never thought this would happen to me.
I never understood, truthfully, what people were going through when this happened to them.
In one instant my identity changed.
In one instant the trajectory of my life swerved off course.
And now I have the opportunity to create my life anew.
The sharing of this event, this process, is about my perception of what happened (what is happening) to me, the
meaning I'm constantly ascribing to this event, and the day to day decisions I'm making.
I have decided that I'm not going to allow what happened to destroy me, but rather I'm looking at it as an opportunity to move forward with inspiration.
Is it hard? Of course it is. It sucks, quite honestly.
Is it challenging? Of course it is.
But I'm moving forward.
Join me at: http://therightnowproject.com/
The Right Now Project is a podcast dedicated to anyone who is struggling and would like support, information and inspiration.
It’s about honoring who we are.
Allowing ourselves to take the first—sometimes scary, courageous, are you kidding me?—step on our healing journey.
It’s about supporting one another without judgement and with complete kindness and allowing who we are and our stories to inspire others.
And you better believe they will.
Yes please!
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
We are each unique.
And yes, I know we all know this.
But, I'll tell you, sometimes for me at least, I need a wake up call.
I need to be reminded.
I need to realize that I do have certain qualities that maybe are good, that maybe a great.
Can I say that?!
Walking along our healing journey requires that we realize all the great things about ourselves, and sometimes this just isn't so easy.
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
Welcome to The Right Now Project.
How do we heal?
What do we need?
Who do we need?
And when we're in it, when we're in the midst of anxiety or pain or loss or...divorce, how the heck do we manage?
The one thing I've realized is that we need each other.
This podcas is about supporting each other as we each move through our own journey and along our own unique paths.
Learn more at: http://therightnowproject.com/
The Right Now Project through this podcast and the membership site is dedicated to anyone who is going through a struggle and is seeking help, information, support & inspiration.
Your struggle might be overwhelm with everything going on in the world right now. It might be anxiety, loss, addiction, grief, trauma, divorce, physical pain and on and on.
The Right Now Project is about creating a space via the podcast and the membership where people can come, without judgement, to share their story in all of its incredibleness and not so greatness.
We need each other to heal.
We are inspired by each other’s stories and strength and courage.
Share you story and watch what happens!
Join me at therightnowproject.com
--Guy Macpherson, PhD, founder.