Two Gents From Nowhere: Recent Episodes
Dominic & Phil
Two rootless gents—a transient Brit in Buenos Aires and a nomadic American in Los Angeles—laugh their way through stories about everything and nothing, obsessing over the minutiae of daily existence while striving to answer life’s big questions, like “Weren’t we younger once?”
Conversations range in topic from the tawdry hell of approaching middle-age to the scandalous lack of air conditioning units in the Tower of London visitor experience—plus a smidgen of everything and a super-size dollop of nothing in between.
The Two Gents tackle yet more life-and-death brain teasers, such as: Who took the 'world's biggest poo' on a plane that left cabin 'puking'?; What are langostino lobsters when they're not shrimp?; Does Prince Harry listen to this podcast (in a Waffle House)?; What is the etymology of 'chicken'?; Who is Coronation Keith and what other events does he plan?; Does Snoop Dogg wear Skechers?; What are random fruits?; Does the US only exist so as to not be France (and vice versa)?; and If a man casts his fishing line into a dry boulevard, is he still fishing?
With a filleted Phil in Los Angeles and a discomfited Dominic in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Following the lavish Coronation of a glum-looking King Chuck III, the Two Gents tackle a timely bunch of thought experiments, including: If a hot dog is eaten in a forest and no one is around to hear it squelch, does it make a sound?; Does "KC3" need to wear batting gloves when playing cricket?; If a truffle hog sniffs out a truffle does the truffle cease to be vegan?; Who was the first unsung hero to eat a lobster?; If a cow pats, what does a horse do?; Does the Stone of Destiny live better than we do?; If a blind dog can see with his nose, can he smell with his eyes? and more! PLUS, the return of Dominic's spectacularly unhelpful Spanish lessons.
With a fajita-whiffing Phil in Los Angeles and a quiche-scoffing Dominic in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The Two Gents return for Season 2 to tackle big questions such as: Which are worse: wet jeans or wet socks?;How do you pronounce “Herbs”?; Could Jesus walk on chemical agents?; What do you do if your car doors have no handles?; Can whistles stop crime?; How many times per day does a sane person roll their eyes?; Should one try on socks before purchasing them?; Are size 9-13 socks closer to size 9 than to size 13?; Why don’t socks come with user instructions?; More questions about socks.
PLUS: the return of Phil’s dirty Costco obsession and Dominic’s deranged Spanish lessons.
With Phil in Miami (he'll be back in Los Angeles next week) and Dominic in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Fresh from a dystopian family vacation to Disney World (or was it Dismaland?), a Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Broke Phil goes on an extended rant about his hellish experience in the Happiest Place on Earth™ (But he really did have a good time) as Dominic ponders whether or not to shoot himself. PLUS: Unnecessary detail about Phil’s Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), winsome memories of roleplaying with Dutch girls, the alarmingly massive growth of nudists in Britain, and the lamentable infantilization of society. ALSO: Which is the most overrated snack: churros or pretzels?
With a bile-ridden Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and an au naturel Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
After two satisfied listeners donate a small fortune to the podcast, the newly-minted Two Gents discuss kidnapping threats, Aston Martins, Angela Lansbury, the market value of holes in the ground, Vegas, porcupines, roundabouts, Huckleberry pies, Kim Basinger, and wax dummies of King Charles III. PLUS: How do you pronounce “Van Gogh”? And which food items are best suited for hurling at priceless works of art?
With a top hat-sporting Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a big-pimpin’ Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
In their most depressing episode yet—unfavorably compared to a poorly cooked Duck à l'Orange TV dinner—the Two Gents reminisce about the golden age of political sex scandals, when men wore Chelsea football kits with lace stockings, and women sold their sleazy, toe-sucking stories to the tabloids. ALSO: Should humans be eating pond scum and fertiliser run-off? Did Betty White get better looking with age? When did mopheads cease riding mopeds? Is it time to end the Virgin Mary’s monopoly on miracle appearances and embrace Boris Johnson’s likeness in Chicken Tikka Masala? And is Yanni a big pianist or just a keyboard player? PLUS: Phil sings “Believe” and “Turn Back Time” in an unmissable and uncanny impersonation of Cher.
With a back-to-basics Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a Trussing-it-up Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Breathless after a digital encounter with the real world Christie Brinkley, the Two Gents turn their attention to everything from the art of terrible gifting to the important role of kebab pizzas in Swedish prison breaks. As Phil reveals his cunning plan to sell one of Dominic’s kidneys, Dominic wonders why he can’t pronounce Phil’s name properly. PLUS: What do bad decisions in your twenties get you?; Is a spanner just a spanner or is it a wrench?; Has the etiquette of eating hamburgers changed post pandemic?; and Why does anyone bother reading fiction? Plus, free wonga for chimney sweeps, disappointing Christmases past, and the time Phil got trapped in a cage in a cave in Ireland with no access to the gift shop or cafe.
With a Yanni-loving Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a Bjorn Borg-resembling Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
With Phil on the road, and Spotify confirming that there is nothing else like this podcast show, Dominic is forced to play host, with questionable results. In this week’s unmissable episode: Is Argentina the future? Should politicians stand around in Aviators looking at scenes of destruction? Can you live in a pitta bread? Was Harald Harefoot named Harald Harefoot because he had a hairy foot? Were the Salem witches sexy? And why does Dominic keep referring to our listeners as “readers”? Meanwhile, Phil gets a check from the IRS, and the Two Gents are joined on the line by a special guest from Mar-a-Lago.
With an in transit gloria Phil Consuegra and a bewitched Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
In this week’s jam-packed and highly educational episode: Should humans be compost? Why is everyone in LA hot and dumb? Is Bob Sacamano real? How do you pronounce PETA? When will women save the planet by banning men from having sex with them? How come Black Rod is a cross between Walter Matthau and Olympia Dukakis (with a little George Burns thrown in)? Was Edward Longshanks related to Sweyn Forkbeard or Harald Bluetooth? Was Braveheart historically accurate? And why oh why oh why do dogs eat poop?
With a decomposing Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a dogsitting Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
It’s the Two Gents from Nowhere, the only podcast that dares to tackle the big questions, like: Why did Dominic once nut-check former UK Prime Minister John Major with a briefcase? Are all famous people given tanning beds upon retirement? Should podcast hosts wear disheveled blond wigs? Who had the better name, Siegfried Fischbacher or Roy “The Horn” Horn? When is a hosepipe just a hose? How do you say, “Shohei Ohtani” in a Philly accent? And when will the new King Chuck III meet Phil’s heated demands to “put some damn air conditioning units in his tourist traps”?
With a googlied Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a sorry Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Due to popular demand (no, really), a mere two hours after the historic announcement of her death, the Two Gents discuss the legacy of Queen Elizabeth II. This special emergency episode contains content some listeners may find offensive, such as Phil’s disturbing Donald “Sad!!!” Trump impression, and Dominic’s ill-timed remarks about himself, Princess Diana and Christie Brinkley. Also: Will King Charles III be any good at kinging? Did Dan Quayle spell potato(e?) correctly? Was Macho Man Randy Savage right to say that “Nothing means nothing”? And what the devil happens now to all those ER II garbage cans/litter bins scattered around British parks? Meanwhile, as the world unites to mourn the loss of the UK’s longest serving monarch (aka The G.O.A.T.), Phil has the sports news.
With a discombobulated Phil Consuegra in a rainy Los Angeles and a grieving Dominic Hilton in a stormy Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Also: Should you leave a salami by your front door to catch burglars? Who wears Prada loafers to building sites? Is it a crime to snack as you shop? What are “White Rabbits” and why did you just punch me in the kidneys? How do you pronounce “E.E.U.U.” in a Spanish accent? Where’s the best place to hide when you’re blinded by tomato juice and being chased by a snarling bull? And which politicians should be forced to wrestle each other in gravy?
It’s the podcast that makes you dumber and never catches any murderers, with a McDonald’s-lobbying Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and an ear wax-encumbered Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The Two Gents discuss python bounty hunters, giant rodent infestations, and the parking situation in California. Plus: When is a looting not a looting but a movie shoot? Which Olivia Newton John should you fancy in GREASE? Are fanny packs unconstitutional? And what’s an acceptable number of buttons to undo on your shirt at a wedding? Meanwhile, Dominic finally wins a round of “Piece of IKEA Furniture or City in Sweden?”
It’s “The podcast that’s like going into a latrine and spraying a bunch of Lysol” with a Barry Gibb-admiring Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a chess-playing Dominic Hilton in “bizarra Argentina” (New York Times).
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Is this the worst possible time to be alive? It is now! The Two Gents survey multiple signs of the coming apocalypse, including a government campaign to abolish neck ties, a potential shortage of Hershey treats for Halloween, Phil’s secret desire to dress up as Liberace, and the high price of transforming yourself into a “real life zombie” for the day (lunch included). Plus, a rant against science, special guest appearances by Alfred Hitchcock and Mr. Dawes Sr., and a heartfelt tribute to the late, great Vin Scully.
With Phil Consuegra in a mourning Los Angeles and Dominic Hilton in a bat-infested Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The Two Gents lament the loss of yet another great American institution, review the new Doner Kebab Pot Noodle, and quarrel over the correct pronunciation of “Salisbury”. As Phil abuses the phrase “right up your alley”, Dominic wonders how Her Maj the Queen would score in the bikini round of a beauty pageant. Plus, a novel plan for fixing society’s ills, a list of job openings in the Royal Household, and an urgent examination of Dominic’s increasingly sinister Spanish lessons.
With a crestfallen Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a salmon-free Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
In this special extended episode, Phil returns home from his British vacation to report on the strange antiquated land of Mr. Whippy 99 Flakes and Platinum Jubilee Urinal Cakes. Subjects discussed by the Two Gents include: Is Her Majesty the Queen a cheapskate?; What exactly are Dippin’ Dots?; Should the hosts start a Scotch Egg business?; What does it really say on the Rosetta Stone?; How much does a knock-off iPhone cost in Argentina?; What’s the deal with the Duchess of Cornwall and flappy-eared elephants?; Has Hunter Biden been smoking crack, or something?!; How do you pronounce “IncluXion”?; Was Phil inappropriately frisked by Boris Johnson at Heathrow Airport? and Is America “an inescapable web of scams” (New York Times) or “just one big farce” (Phil)?
With a refreshed Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a sedated Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
As Phil prepares to visit the United Kingdom on his summer holidays, Dominic offers an expert guide to British culture, explaining in unnecessary detail the chivalrous significance of blue silk thongs, the cardinal art of peasant thrashing, and the proper meaning of the everyday cockney phrase “swallow the dick”. From embroidered garters to doeskin pumps, sadistic nannies to dangling sporrans, the forensic examination of these screwy people and their screwy ways prompts an anxious Phil to ask, “Are Brits walking psychological time bombs?” Meanwhile, a listener asks about DUIs in the Metaverse, angry Argentines burn the Union Jack below Dominic’s apartment, and a synopsis of the movie Alien that you really don’t want to miss.
With a suitcase packing Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and an emotionally misdirecting Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Is Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II a digital hologram? Do all footmen have foot fetishes? And on which tropical island does Tupac now live with Princess Diana, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Monroe? The Two Gents bring their unrivaled brand of hard-hitting investigative journalism to yet another episode featuring drunk corgis, royal penguins, and biblical plagues of emotional support cockroaches. Plus, what’s the real meaning of a “butt party”? Is Gordon Gekko the obvious successor to Bake Off judge Prue Leith? And will Dominic ever recover from having once let Lord Fuddlestone enter the House of Lords Chamber with his fly undone?
With (chicken) breast man Phil Consuegra in a back-to-normal Los Angeles and leg man Dominic Hilton in a rioting Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
To mark 70 years of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s divine reign over her drunk British peasants, Phil and Dom review the celebratory events across the globe, which saw countless doves ritually smothered, millions of quails blown to smithereens, and His Royal Highness The Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Chester, Earl of Carrick, Earl of Merioneth, Baron of Renfrew, Baron Greenwich, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, CC, CMM, PC, ADC enjoying a well-deserved break from his deep concern about the cost of living for working families to play a few rounds of fizz pong. In this special once-in-a-century episode, the Two Gents honor Her Maj’s seven decades of selfless, diamond-encrusted-tiara-wearing public service by discussing conker fights, microwave clocks, rabid corgis, and Stormy Daniels.
With a nonplussed Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a never-been-so-chuffed-to-not-be-in-Blighty Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
How do you pronounce Loughborough? Is it de rigueur to sport a top hat to a cookout? And does mind-blowing daytime nooky with your missus trigger sudden onset amnesia within ten minutes of coition? As Dominic attempts to get Phil beaten senseless in the Dodger Stadium parking lot, Phil shoots into the brown striving to fathom the British penchant for wall-to-wall vomiting. In their most ridiculous episode yet, the Two Gents discuss everything from Cyndi Lauper's psoriatic arthritis to H.P. Sauce, with the usual great brown dollop of everything in between.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Was Independence Day based on a true story? Will snooty/snotty waiters pretend not to understand extra-terrestrials if they visit Paris as tourists? And is it wise for NASA to be sending nudes (of people) into space to attract aliens? All this and more in Episode 13, which includes a singular analysis of the Earl of Wessex’s first ever ride on a train, a first-hand review of the chocolate-scented bathrooms in the Hershey Lodge, and a heated discussion re Dominic’s dubious assertion that Novak Djokovic is rubbish at tennis. Plus, the return of the show’s popular segment “Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?”
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Is Coming to America the greatest movie of all time? Dominic is joined on the phone from New York City by Phil, who makes an impassioned case from his Manhattan hotel suite for Randy Watson, Reverend Brown, King Jaffe Joffer & co. Also: How do you fry 580 kilos of buttock meat on sacred ground? Should you sue your parents for giving birth to you without your consent? And just how concerned really is Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Lord of the Isles, Baron of Renfrew and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland,with the cost of living for working families?
With an intellectually aroused Phil Consuegra in New York City and a bolshie Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Dominic and Phil bid to umble-cum-stumble a world in which depressed fictosexuals marry inanimate AI cartoon holograms, Fabio gets hit in the face by a goose on a Greek god-themed rollercoaster, and wan-faced codgers in ED commercials grapple with monstro fishing rods. Meanwhile, Dominic reports back after getting mercilessly racked at the Queen’s Birthday Party at the British Ambassador’s Residence in Buenos Aires.
With a litigious Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a protracted Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The Two Gents tackle more of life’s pressing questions, such as: Did Phil once stiffen the wombat backstage with Robert Goulet?; Has Her Maj the Queen’s stunt double ever visited a McDonald’s Drive Thru in the Gold State Coach?; Why would anyone sane ever fold burritos in a Chipotle in the Metaverse?; Is Meatballs III: Summer Job a better movie than The Godfather? and Why is Buckingham Palace named after the man who sang that song in National Lampoon’s Vacation? Plus, Tri-Tip Nachos vs. Smothered Quail and the return of the show’s very own Bob Sacamano.
With a hungry Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a nauseated Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Would Her Majesty the Queen order the Toddle House at the Waffle House? What, exactly, is National Footwear Workers Day? And should you seek help, or buy a $300,000 virtual tiara? Dominic and Phil return to ponder everything, nothing and some of the stuff in between. Plus, due to popular demand, the return of “Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?”
With a lounging Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a humiliated Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
Can Dominic peddle his poetry on OnlyFans? Will Phil rub rumps with a wobbly wombat? The Two Gents return to sort Thomas Jefferson’s chicken breasts from the Duke of Wellington’s aristocratic thighs—with a jumbo dollop of applesauce on the side.
The Two Gents from Nowhere struggle to understand each other (again) as they wrestle like the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith with life’s biggest questions, including: “How mild is mild seasoning?”; “What’s the difference between a callus and a corn?”; “How do you pronounce ‘Mall’ or ‘Qatar’?”; “What is a fanny?”; “Is there a difference between early-90s WWF and the present-day Royal Family?”; “What’s the significance of the number 87?”; and “Is a stick just a stick or is a dressing gown just a robe?” Meanwhile, Dominic plays Jim Acosta to Phil’s eerie Donald Trump impression as Her Majesty the Queen closely examines teapots through half-moon spectacles.
With a baffled Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a dumbfounded Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Mentioned in this episode:
Dominic Hilton’s Buenos Aires Diary 6.0 https://thecritic.co.uk/dominic-hiltons-buenos-aires-diary-6-0/
Penny Knatchbull (aka Countess Mountbatten of Burma, Lady Romsey, or Lady Brabourne) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10663101/Prince-Philips-closest-confidante-pays-respects.html
As Phil goes full Clark W. Griswold about his “mind-boggling” weekend at Disneyland, Dominic turns his sick mind to sexy photos of Her Majesty the Queen. Plus: What the hell is the steam that comes out of the ground in New York City? Is turducken the human centipede of Thanksgiving food? And what is a Wotsit? Meanwhile, Dominic regrets reading out a couple of carelessly composed limericks almost as much as he regrets once eating balls in a roadside shack somewhere in Portugal.
With a livid Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles and a hallucinating Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
A hungover Dominic & a revenge-hungry Phil thrash out assorted topics, including: Is it proper to scalp clerics over the quality of wine served in a local tavern?; Should one eat Swedish meatballs on a date?; and Is Vladimir Putin welcome in the Metaverse? Plus, what does “Give him a good batty-fang!” mean? Meanwhile, Dominic goes a dismal 3-for-8 in Phil’s "Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?" challenge.
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The Two Gents struggle to make sense of a world in which barbers flog you rubber johnnies, greengrocers blue rinse your barnet, and scotch eggs are replaced by nuclear bombs. Plus, how do you correctly spoon cabbage soup in the presence of Her Majesty the Queen?
From Phil in Los Angeles and Dominic in the bottom of an empty pool in Buenos Aires (actually, his microphone was acting up, we'll have it fixed next week).
Inquiries: twogentsfromnowhere@gmail.com
The TWO GENTS FROM NOWHERE return to discuss a handful of pressing questions, like: Can you sue yourself? How does an avatar sexually harass another avatar? and What is John Wayne Bobbitt up to these days? Plus, the Queen gets given Covid by the heir to her throne, the Wiki wonder of French actress Jessica Cressy, and the true meaning of “spunk faking”.
Mentioned in this episode:
https://whocanisue.com
The guys discuss the eBay value of breast milk, illiterate t-shirts in Argentina, and what to do when you visit a Mexican restaurant and reek of fajitas for the next 3-5 days. Questions raised this week include: If one sells deodorant in the Metaverse, do the avatars still smell?; Can you guess which protein you ate last night by sniffing your shirt?; Should you insure your tongue?; Is Her Majesty the Queen on TikTok? Plus, Phil introduces his disturbing Donald Trump impression and fails to master and Austrian accent.
Mentioned in this episode: Dominic's June 2020 essay for The Critic magazine about bizarre English language t-shirts in Buenos Aires: https://thecritic.co.uk/linguistic-confusion-dominic-hilton-has-more-trouble-with-english-than-spanish-in-argentina/
The TWO GENTS FROM NOWHERE discuss murderous ice cream wars, doomed expeditions to Antarctica, and the torturous lack of air conditioning at the Tower of London. With Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires and Phil Consuegra in Los Angeles.