Welcome to Life After Losing Mom With Kat Bonner. In this episode, we’re joined by Bella Norton. Bella lost her mom to what she thought was an accidental drug overdose when she was 16 years old, but it wasn’t until six months later when she came to grips with the fact that it was actually a suicide, that her grieving process truly began. Bella opens up about her struggle to find value after her mom passed away and how she’s learned to manage those feelings and find ways to move forward in her life.
What To Listen For
Bella shares her story that everyone deserves to feel valued and loved and that grieving doesn’t need to equate to feeling less than. She’s found that connecting with real friends and support groups is key to managing her grief. Bella’s belief is that you are worth everything in this world. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself as a burden. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself like you're unworthy because you are. She brought you into this world and she loved you.
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Transcript
In 2013 Kat Bonner lost her mom in a tragic car accident. She figured out how to manage her grief and is helping other women do the same. On this podcast, you'll hear from other women who have lost their moms and discover the exact coping strategies you need to get through the day and be in the best place you've ever been. Don't miss another episode. Subscribe today. More information can be found KatBonner.com/podcast and if you'd like to join a group of like-minded women head to Facebook and search for the Life After Losing Mom community. Lastly, if you're looking for help managing your grief book a complimentary connection call at KatBonner.com.
So before we get started with the episode, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure you've heard multiple times that grief is an individual process. Well, the people you heard this from aren't wrong because it very much so is you're probably wondering how can someone help me when they grieve differently than I do? That's why I'm so passionate about one on one coaching that is totally customized to you and your pain points. I let you guide me two ways. I can help you. I can, I'll, I take on three clients at a time. So the spots are limited. I'd love for you to tell me how I can help you in your grief journey.
[inaudible]
welcome to the show, Bella.
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Um, so I just like to start off every episode with each woman sharing what they want to about the loss of their mom.
Okay. Um, so, um, well I'll start a little bit before the loss of my mom because it kind of all builds up, uh, to losing her. Um, so I basically knew that a, a pretty young age that, you know, my mom had issues, um, you know, some, some mental illnesses and um, she also struggled with an alcohol addiction off and on and opiate addiction off and on. Um, so from the age of probably, you know, five or six, I, I was kind of treated as an adult. Um, and knowing everything that was going on with her. Um, I remember going to, you know, the hospital multiple times, a young age, seeing her on holidays, you know, and she had attempted suicide at that point. Um, so, you know, all of my life I was, you know, Kinda treated as a parent of my own parents.
Um, so leading up to it, you know, I, uh, she could be completely normal at times. She could be, you know, my best friend at times we'd have fun together. We sang, we danced, we did a lot of things together. Um, she really in me, um, and, and basically, you know, gave me my sense of self worth. Um, so even knowing all the issues she had, I still believed her. You know, when she told me like, you're, you're worth it. You know, you're smart, you're talented, you're pretty. Um, but you know, when I was 16 years old, things kind of started really going downhill with her. Um, I would come home from school some days and she would just be locked in her bedroom. Other days I'd come home and, you know, she'd be outside grilling hotdogs on the grill, wanting to hang out and have fun.
Um, but it was about a week after spring break. Um, I came home, uh, I was getting ready to go hang out with my boyfriend at the time. Um, and I was getting ready, not care in the world. You know, I was 16 years old. I was, I was going to go have some fun. Um, and my younger brother, who is 13, about to be 14, um, at the time, uh, came to me while I was getting ready and said, I think something's wrong with mom. Um, so I went in and I checked on her, um, and she was laying on her bed, completely incapacitated. Um, and at this point I was like, well, she took too many pills. She'll be fine. I, you know, I'd seen it happen before and I didn't really think anything of it. Um, so I, I told my brother, it would be fine, just, just give a little bit of time.
So maybe 15, 20 minutes later he comes back in, he's super upset. Um, and he says to me, there's something really wrong. Um, so I went back to her brain and at this point, um, it was, it was pretty evident that something was very wrong. Um, you know, so I called nine one one, they got on the phone, they were like, can anybody do CPR? And at the time I was, I was freaking out. Um, and so my brother did it. Um, it, it, it did not work. Um, they, they got her out, they got a pulse back in the ambulance. Um, and, uh, the next morning I didn't get to the hospital because I, you know, I, I, I really didn't want to see you that way. Um, then I stayed with some relatives in a hotel that night that it came out from my dad's side of the family.
Um, and in the morning I called my Nana. That was my mom's mom. Um, and I asked what was going on and they said they had taken her off life support at about one 30 that morning, um, and thought it wouldn't be long. So, uh, I asked my Nana if she could put the phone up to my mom so I could tell her goodbye. Um, and I said, I love you mom. And then about 10 seconds later I heard it flat line. Um, so part of me was like, you know, she waited for me to say goodbye and the other part of me was just completely destroyed. Um, and so for about six months, everyone told me that it was an accidental overdose. Um, we'll come to find out. One day I was with my Nana and she said, you know, do you think your mom meant to do that? And I was like, in my heart, I know she did. Um, and she said, well, you're right and you have a letter. Um, say, you know, I got my letter from my Stepdad at the time. And, um, it, it was like starting the grieving process all over again because I had convinced myself she didn't mean to do it. Um, but she did. Um, and in her letter she made that very clear. Um, so that's, you know, a little bit about, you know, what happened and how it happened. Uh, yeah. It's, uh, it's been tough.
Bless your heart. Well, thank you for sharing. Um, yeah, it's so funny that you mentioned not like funny, but like ha ha, ironic, funny. Yeah. Ah, yeah. You're actually the first guest that I've had on the show whose mom died of like an overdose. Like it's been like, you know, just natural causes or like cancer, something that, which those still suck. Um, yeah, but it's interesting cause I think society in general just does not take addiction seriously and they don't think that it is a disease. And it very much so is, uh, my mom was an alcoholic, so I mean, essentially addiction led to, you know, our mom's demise. Um, but it's so interesting too, and it's hard. At least it was for me in my ad. I'm assuming, you know, it would be for you too. It's like, you know, you can't blame them for getting addicted, but it's like their actions and their decisions led to their addiction. So it's like, okay, you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I just speaking out loud or different the same way?
Oh, I definitely feel the same way in too. You know, my mom's dad committed suicide when she was seven years old. So for me it was like, you knew how this would affect me or might affect me and my brother and you know, you still took those steps to do the same thing. Um, which has been very hard for me to get over because it's, you know, it's something that I'd like to say now, you know, I don't have kids, but if I did that, I would never do that to them. And there's been a lot of anger, you know, but I at the same time, it's like I understand as I get older and her struggles, her addiction, you know, her mental illness, she, she cannot help that. So
No. Yeah, that definitely, yeah. I definitely can understand where you're coming from. I guess the way that I'm like thinking of it is like, okay, you know, my mom didn't think that in me and my brother were worthy enough to like basically be a parent too. So she decided to enter role as basically being a parent once again. Am I crazy or that thought ever run through your mind?
Oh, it runs through my mind all the time. Um, you know, because we, we depended on her, you know, we had, we had that mother daughter relationship, but at the same time it was so much more than that. You know, I, I, I felt like, you know, why couldn't you talk to me? Why couldn't you tell me this is how you were feeling? And then I look back and you know, she did just without the words and I was so young that it's, you know, as I've grown up and grown older, I realized I can't lie myself. And at the same time, you know, as much as I, I don't want to blame her, that was hard decision and you know, that was her decisions that led her there. Um, and so, you know, at first and you know, it's been a little over nine years now and it's taken me this long to figure out, you know, I need help coping with this. Um, you know, it really did make me feel like I was not worthy of love from anybody. You know, if your own mother can make a decision to leave your life permanently, then why, why am I deserving of any type of love?
Yeah. It's, yeah, that's definitely a big thing I noticed that comes with grief. The first word that's going through my mind right now is blame. And I'm so glad that you mentioned that because I feel like, like when you know, you experienced a loss, this tragic and just grieving in general, the first thing you want to do is blame somebody. And it's like, okay, like you either blame the person that you've lost or you blame yourself and then, and I'll actuality, it's like, okay, like playing the blame game does what I'm once, he probably does nothing, but it's like almost second nature. At least for me, it was in the beginning stages and then it's like, okay, like I'm a firm believer in like actions speak louder than words. So yeah. Like, you know, your mom loved you, but her action by taking her own life, like basically it's like, you know, you're not my mom anymore. Like you're not here to physically be my mom. So that actions spoke louder than any word that
exactly.
You know. And I think people don't really realize how their actions are going to affect other people and it sucks.
Yup. I, so in, in her letter to me, you know, she, she read it the day before. She actually, um, you know, made the decision. I mean, she had made the decision there, but she read it the day before she actually committed suicide, um, on Anna, she said, don't let this destroy you. And it's like, what else is supposed to do? You know, like this isn't something that's, that's, this isn't a good thing. This isn't anything that's beneficial to me. Um, I needed you and no matter what state of mind you're, I needed you. Um, so it, it was, it was very confusing for me for a very long time and still is honestly, because, you know, as a parent, that is your job is to be there for your children. And um, you know, she wasn't and she's not. Um, so yeah, that's been very difficult for me, you know, overcoming that feeling of like, okay, you think I'm strong enough for something like this to not destroy me.
It's like I'm strong, but that's not the point. It's not if you loved me enough, this one happened. So why, you know, and it sucks too. Cause it's like, you know, once again we're quick to say that we weren't in her shoes, but at the end of the day that's not like, and I'm not just, I don't have experience of suicide so I can't say that. But like I'm a firm believer in suicide's not the answer. Like, and I know how addiction works. I know that like they don't think they have a problem. But addiction in itself is almost like, and this is, forgive me if this is like wrong, but like say for instance for like, you know, my mom was an alcoholic, she was drinking and driving, which led to her dying in a car accident. But like, and I'm not saying it's suicidal because she wasn't consciously like making the decision to wreck the car, but in a way I think that addiction almost manipulates your brain to think that way. Like, eventually addiction is going to take your own life.
Oh yeah. No matter if you mean to or not. You know, addiction is an, and there's such a stigma with it, that and suicide that it is not talked about in a very, in a very beneficial way to anybody. Um, just people are ashamed of that and then those left behind, you're ashamed of, of that as well. So it's just one of those things that you, you're never really going to get a handle on it if there is such a bad stigma with it, you know, it's
the only way to get rid of the stigma unfortunately. They'll talk about it. Yeah. And then a lot of times those people don't want to do that. Yeah. Which I mean, that's fine I guess to each their own. But yeah. I how did you, like, did you feel like, you know, your value was effected a lot more in like your relationships, like your friends, like other women because your mom was a woman or was it just in general? I'm kind of curious about that.
So, you know, growing up I was a super happy go lucky kid. I have a lots of friends. Um, but once that happened and I wrote my, my best friend at the time, we, um, she was the one that I call my auntie. Um, and, and we ended up having a falling out and that really, really hurt me. And I don't know if it was me or if it was her, but it was best of. But since then I found it extremely hard to connect to other women, especially, um, you know, and I, I didn't really feel like anybody who likes me because I felt like I had this, this stamp on my forehead that said I'm damaged, you know,
God precheck girl.
Yeah. And it was just really hard to make friends or to open up to people. And then two in my relationships, you know, with men, um, at first after app, and I was, ah, that was where I wanted to find my value. And looking back now, it definitely was not the answer. Uh, but that was why I place my value was like, you know, if these men want me, then that makes me lovable. Um, and it definitely wasn't healthy at the time, you know, at all. For me tried to cope with that, but it was, it was the only thing I needed.
Oh yeah. I mean the American dream, right? Everybody's like, okay, like let me just turn to a significant other or somebody that I'm attracted to and try to use them to fill that void. Um, and it's like, even to like, even if you're the first one of your friend group that has like lost a mom, I feel like once you find, you know, other women that have lost a mom, you find other, other women pretty quickly, like you learn pretty quickly after, you know, the first one, hey, like I'm not alone, but like, yeah. And this is why I say I can't help men because I'm a firm believer that I literally can't, um, in the sense that like obviously obviously their brains are completely hard wired different than theirs are. But I noticed like, cause I was 18 so we were very similar ages when we lost her.
Mom's like, you know, the teenage, I guess adolescent years don't even know what they were described as. Um, but yeah, like going up and like growing through college and like, oh, like you don't want to date a girl who's lost her mom. Like, I'm going, I guess that's a whole other like topic. But yeah, like we're hell at, first of all, we're hell are worthy of being valued. So anybody who doesn't value you can fuck off because they're idiots and agreed 100%. It's like, okay, yeah, you know that now. But like, you know, you wish you would've known that x amount of years later and it would've made, you know, the last nine years, not hellish.
Yeah. But yeah.
You know, that's how grief works. It's like, but the time when you reach that like pivotal moment, you're like, well, I guess better late than never.
Yeah. Can't turn back time. You know, it's, uh, it's definitely been a journey for me. Um, and, and you know, like you said, about finding other women and, you know, once you find one that, you know, has lost their mom, and for me, you know, I went without having what some would call a best friend. I always said I had acquaintances, I didn't have friends. Um, I met my best friend, her name's Chloe. She's awesome. Um, she lost her mom at 16 as well, um, to an opiate overdose. Um, so once I met her and we establish that connection, there was no going back, you know, and just having her there for me has made a huge difference in how I value myself and you know, my self worth because I, you know, you know that you're not alone and then other people have felt what you're feeling.
Yeah. I was literally about to ask like, how you kind of got over that Hump and like realized, you know, I am worthy and I was like, as I talk to more people, I feel like some like things in grief are very much so, like you have an epiphany and you're like, oh my God, this is how I'm going to heal from this specific struggle. And then other times it's a lot more gradual over time. And then you realize years later that you made, appealed like a long time ago. Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does. You know, um, for me it was for so long, I just, I thought there was something wrong with me and so I just ignored all of the feelings that are so I just pushed him aside and was like, you just gotta get through your day. Just go to work, you know, go to sleep, do it all again tomorrow. There's, you know, you just gotta do what you gotta do. Um, and until I actually was probably when I met her, you know, about two and a half years ago now that it, things really started looking up for me cause I did not feel so alone. You know, I felt like this person has been through something so similar as me and she's lovable, you know, she's worthy. The why, why would I feel like I'm not?
Yeah, it's so interesting. Obviously the whole like process of grief honestly fascinates me. But it's so like weird how your like just feeling comforted, not like by somebody actually comforting you, but like literally having a woman in her life that has lost her mom. I'm like, not just like via like social media. Like, that's great, but like, actually physically having that person in your life, you're like, Holy Shit. Like, you know, like, yeah, you get through this together. And it just is literally like, yeah. And sometimes people get that I think too late. And it's also important to define somebody who's open about it because other people like, you know, I know women who've lost a mom and they don't ever talk about it. And that wasn't really helpful for me. Like I know it's going to sound really selfish, but I mean, if it takes two people to tango, you know, like, yeah. Is your friend like that? Like, can you attest to that or?
Oh, definitely. I mean, you know, for, I've always been a very open person in general. I'm super and yeah, I let myself feel the things now that I'm feeling in the moment. Um, but for awhile it was something that I just ignored, you know, I, it, and I'm really didn't meet anybody who had been through what I'd been through, um, for a very long time. So I really did feel like, you know, you just don't talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, but at the same time, you know, who cares if you make people uncomfortable because we're the only one that are living in our, our reality in our life. And you know, you've gotta do what you need to do for yourself to heal. So
lol. I literally love you. I have some, I have some were the only ones, I think I was in high school still. I lost my mom. So like two months for a graduate of high school. Um, so most of the people like basically, you know, acts like they're there for you and then they're not. And I remember this one girl, we were really best friend throughout high school and then we like stopped talking and she told me one day she was like, you know, be around you when you get really sad or really emotional. Makes me uncomfortable. And I'm like, you gotta be my bro. Oh my God. Like I literally don't have anything to say to that. And I think now she probably realize, hey, I kinda fucked up. Well yeah, no shit you fucked up. But like, I just, and I know like, but you were just bringing that up and you were like making people uncomfortable that like, you've been through a lot. And I'm like, you know what, think about how uncomfortable I am.
Exactly.
Like you think this is hard for you. You think it's hard for you? Oh Huh. Let's back up. Yeah, I could go on a tangent. All hold it. That's so funny. Um, so were there like, you know, once you got to the realization, hey, like I am valued like by myself and by other people. Were there any huge changes that like you saw in your life or anything that was like more positive and different?
So, yes. Um, for awhile, you know, I, I was an athlete. I was, I love to write poetry, I love to sing. And then, you know, once, once mom passed, it was just like, all of those things just slowly, I just stopped. I stopped. Um, and because I felt like I wasn't good at it, I felt like no one wanted to hear me saying no one wanted to read my poetry, you know, blah, blah, blah. But it took, honestly, I want to be real up front and honest here. I had a mental, like a complete mental breakdown, depressive episode type of thing a few months ago. Um, and it really took that to get me to realize, you know, you got to help yourself. Um, and, and the best thing for me has been therapy. Um, it's something that I put off for far too long. You know, I did it here and there after mom passed that I was just, I wasn't, I wasn't ready I guess at that point.
Um, I wasn't ready to be unapologetically honest with myself and especially with anybody else. Um, until that happened to me. And my boyfriend actually was like, Bella, I love you. I want to be with you, but I'm worried about you and you have got to do something. Um, so that, that point, you know, the next day I started calling people, I started calling psychologists. I started, you know, really digging deep into myself and saying things have got change. Um, and so now, you know, I've started, I've started working out, which is something I did not do for years upon years upon years. Um, and it feels right, like just getting, getting myself going, getting myself moving again. It's, it's such a sense of accomplishment, you know, after I run my mile and after I, you know, drop my mile time and have, it's, it's awesome. Um, I'm still working on, you know, the writing part, um, just little post on Facebook here and there, just getting things off of my chest and you know, out of my mind and it feels great to just be open.
Um, and one of the things I've always wanted to do is I've always been a person who goes out of my way for people who probably don't deserve it. And I think a lot of that comes from what I went through with my mom. You know, I, I want to help people and sometimes people that don't deserve it, but you know, so for me, being able to tell my story and be open to be honest about it has been one of the best healing, you know, processes for me. Um, and it may not be like that for everybody, but, um, I'm no longer ashamed of what I went through. I'm no longer ashamed of the choices that I made, you know, a few years ago and even up until recently that weren't necessarily good. But it's, it's to be talked about, it's gotta be, it's gotta be out there because someone needs to hear it. So
yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And I definitely think that everybody needs to talk about it. Everybody needs to share their story. It might not, it might take some people longer to realize that than others. But honest to God, the only way that you are going to heal is like sharing your story. And this sounds really crazy, but you know, I posted and like some of the Facebook groups like, hey, if anyone wants to share their story on a podcast, let me know. And I literally had, um, it was uh, another group that I'm in, I like posted the same thing and somebody commented back, they were like, why would we want to talk about all the shit that we've been through? And it just broke my heart to realize that like there are women out there who think that sharing their story will help other people, but they're so wrong because it will.
Yeah. And I think that's why like creating space is so important. Like, I mean, yeah, people can share their stories on the Facebook groups, which is great. Like I'm not discouraging that at all. But there's something about like saying it like even if you say it out loud to the wall, even if you tell your fricking cat like whatever, there's literally something, and I can't describe it, but like actually like physically sharing your story out loud rather than typing it on paper. It's like, and then you find that one person and they're like, wow, you telling me your story changed my life? Like when you get that, like it makes all the shit that you've been through worth it because yeah, you know, it's like, you know, you can make a difference in one person's life. Like they literally might not ever have. And that's what I said, like to the reply, I was like, you know, like I provide this like space where people can share their story and help other people.
Like think about it, this group has 400 members, which is like a great amount, but think about how many people or how many women there are out there in this world who could be listening to this podcast or who could be literally looking for something specific that might not be in that Facebook group. You know? Exactly like you sharing your story in the Facebook group, it's not a problem. But like when you have a platform that can reach millions and millions of people, it's like, oh, Mike, I, and I didn't know. Like, I knew I was not alone, but when I started this, everyone's like, oh, like your niche is too specific, like Lumen, you've lost a mom. Like I did not realize because I was debating between women who've just lost a mom and women that have lost a parent because that's still, I do think, you know that I can also help women that have lost a parent. But I was like, that's just where my heart is. It's just women losing a mom because I can 100% attest to that. But I was like, Holy Shit, there's a lot of people out there that have lost a mom. Like
so many people.
It's crazy. It's literally crazy. Like I don't know how to wrap my mind about it. And when you hear so many like stories from other people, like I hear your story and I'm like, oh my God. Like I'm automatically like, I love you. Like I just want to hug you. Like you're my sister. You know? And I know that sounds super cheesy and Cliche, but like do you, once again, I'm asking you, Hey, do you feel that way? But yeah, like what are your thoughts?
I do feel that way. I mean, like I said before, when you're going through something and you feel so alone, you're really just looking for someone to understand you. And it's really hard when you feel like nobody does. Nobody can. And, and so, you know, I'm in a lot of support groups on Facebook, whether it be mother was daughters, whether it be, you know, survivors, suicide loss, you know, and in a lot of those groups, and I read these people's stories and they feel the same way that we do. You know, they just want to, to have someone understand them, they want companionship. They just, they want to know that they're not alone. And the only way that people are going to know that they're not alone, as if people talk about those things. If, if people reach out, if you know, it's, it's a hard thing to talk about.
Of course. You don't just want to be like, hey, I lost my mom. You know, let's talk about it. But when you, when you feel like you're in a sisterhood of women that have gone through the same thing, because losing a mother, especially at a younger age and at a pivotal age, you know, like, like we were, that you just feel so lost. You feel, you feel like, you know, no one's gonna understand you because you have all these complex feelings. Um, and you can't just let that sit in your brain. You can't just let it eat you up alive or outs. You know, you're, you're not going to be the person that you're supposed to be.
Yeah, I know. You're very right. I mean, if you think about that, like average person, like I know people who are my age who has every set of grandparents still alive, and I'm like, holy bowls, like holy shit, that like literally completely blows my mind. So, and it's, I mean, I'm not saying I love to talk about death, but like death is a part of life. And I think too, like when you realize that, um, you know, you find these group of people, like I never really understood, I guess the importance of like the support groups because I realized very quickly like I found those people in my life that I could relate to. Um, so I was like, oh, like why don't these people just, you know, go talk to someone they can relate to. But I guess it's like, it's always, once you think about it, it's always nice to have different opinions, which is why you have all these people. Like I noticed a lot of times when I needed something, I would go to the same person and that wasn't bad. But now looking back on it, it's like, wow, I wish I had gone to like other women that also lost their mom. So I could have talked to them about how they handled this rather than, I mean, any guidance is better than none, I guess.
Yeah. Yeah. But it's always good to have, you know, you want to see other people's stories because people deal with things so differently. You know, like my brother for instance, you know, he was super close to my mom and he's, I look up to him even though he's my younger brother, you know, I didn't go to college. My mom pushed college on me and after she passed I was like, I can't go to college, you know? But my brother, he is college to college. He's gonna graduate in December. He's so and so just resilient, you know? But he will not open up to anybody and it breaks my heart, you know, it breaks my heart because I wonder, what is this poor kid going through? What is he feeling? You know, I just,
okay,
we're total opposites. You know,
it's a man. Yeah. He is a man. He is different from the others. It was the same way. Like I found out from my mom's sister, she was like, oh yeah, like, did you know your brother went to therapy? I guess he went to therapy like once. But I think men get very, very angry or they just suppress their grief. And here I am, you know, making assumptions. But just from what I know about men, I'm like, okay, I can't, I mean, I can help people who, you know, suppress grief, but I think women are also just a little bit more like realistic and like rational sometimes. And men are just like, no, I'm not talking about it at all. And I'm like, all right dude, if you're not going to talk about it, like I throw my hands up like,
yeah. Like there's nothing more I can do. Like, do you let me know when you're ready?
Stop. Sorry, my dogs pissed me off. Um, yeah, no, that's exactly why. Like, and I'm not saying Oh, men are like that, but yeah, that's a whole new, I think that's why I struggled so much with like finding like men in my life who could date someone without a mom because they're like, what the heck? And that's, you know, a whole topic for another day. But it's just like the world needs to break the stigma. Like the world needs to talk about death and it needs to talk about grief because how is it ever going to get better? Like literally people like this sounds bad, but people die from losing people. Like because they don't ask about it and they're like, oh my God, this person died. My life is over. And I'm like, well hopes because you acted like death didn't exist. Like it's just, it's honestly really crazy.
It blows my mind and I think about it too. Like, I dunno, I just, and I try not to make assumptions, but I noticed a lot of times on the, I don't know, maybe there's just so many things that you know you need to find in yourself. Because at the end of the day, you are your biggest ally. You only have yourself like you. So like when you realize, hey, I am worth it. Like I am worth this. And then like, you're like, you know, I need to get my shit together. I need to put myself first, I need to focus on myself. And it pissed me off. And people were like, oh, you're being selfish. I'm like, first of all, you can go out whatever you want, but all you have is yourself, so fucking take care of yourself for God's sakes. That's not bad. It's, yeah,
it took me a long to realize that, you know,
from, you know, all the issues my mom had it. I had to think about her. You know, I wasn't thinking about myself. I was, I was thinking everything I did was to please her. Everything I did was to get her approval. Everything I did was to take care of her. So it was a struggle for me to feel like, Hey, I deserve to be taken care of. You know, I deserve, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to look out for myself. I deserve to do the things that I want to do. Because like you said, like this is my, and I deserve to be a little selfish sometimes because when it comes down to it, as you said, all you've got is yourself. You know, you can have relationships with people, but that's, that's not guaranteed. You know, they can leave you at any moment, but you're always, you're always going to be when yourself passing the care of yourself.
You're never going to leave yourself. And I think like once like it takes a really long time to reach that point and like not just in grief but in life in general. And then your third grief on top of it and you're like, oh well there's a double whammy. But yeah, once you reach that point in your grief, like literally that is the game changer. Like I deserve to be happy. And I always say in life everything is a decision. So it's like, okay like you are worthy. So you choose to make decisions that make you feel worthy. Like you know, like you, if you want to be happy then you need to choose to make decisions that will lead to your happiness. And then eventually it just becomes part of your lifestyle. And you don't have to like choose anymore. Don't get me wrong, you know, you'll have your days. But I think that's where like self reflection and just like consciousness comes in, you know? And it's not easy. People don't want to think about it. But did like, did that happen for you?
You know, um, like I said, it, it took like a literal mental breakdown after just holding everything in for me to say, you know what? Like, I have to stop being ashamed of these feelings, that spiel. I've stopped being ashamed of decisions I've made. I have to stop being ashamed of how I feel about myself. You know, I used to, I used to love myself and when mom left me, it just puts, it made me question everything. Um, um, and so, you know, I, um, I was recently diagnosed bipolar and this came after, you know, my mental breakdown. Um, and I was super ashamed of that because my mom was bipolar and the last thing I wanted in my life, it was to hear, hey, so are you. Um, but I'm so, so, so proud of myself for finally putting my needs first and saying, you know what? I do have these issues and I do need to take care of it if I want to live reply that you know, I deserve and everyone deserves happiness. And it's hard when you go through something like we've been through to, to value yourself when you know, you feel like your own mom didn't even value you to a degree. Um, so yeah, it's definitely,
it's, yeah, it's a very tricky thing to manage and to understand. Then there's some things, you know, you just won't understand, but like, especially after this conversation, if there's one thing I realize like don't be ashamed of anything like it. Like you're enough, like you are more than enough. Like there's no, you know, and I think it's just because society is so quick to give grief negative stigmas. But like one of my friends told me a quote once a grief is the price that we pay for love. And when I think about it, it is so true. It's like, you know, like yeah, like you would rather have your mom, but like you loved your mom so much for cardless of any decision anybody makes. And I think too, like literally any decision, I say any decision that I made like four years of being in college at losing my mom just completely ignore them because they were probably the worst decisions I've ever made in my life.
Girl, yes, I feel you on that.
But yeah, people are just so, some people don't care, you know that which you know is fine. But yeah, like you know, you loved your mom so much that you are grieving her and not very many people in the world get to say that. And that's something, that's something to be proud of. Like fuck yeah, me and my mom had this good a relationship. Like it hurts so much when she's gone, but it's like I have the best mom ever. You know, like
yeah. Even with all her issues, I felt that way, you know, it was like, you know her dark side. Yeah.
I mean this literally like I'm going to love you through it, like through thick and thin no matter what. Because actions and decisions don't make people, the people that they are, you need to look like you know their heart. And that's what's important. Um, so I think that's a really great place to close. Um, Lynn and on a happy note, right? I always try to do that. Um, is there anything else that you want to leave the listeners about your stories just about grief or mother loss in general?
Um, you know, it feels like a downward spiral. It feels like you're just, I use this analogy a lot and I've used it a lot of times when I just steal, completely lost his, I feel alive. I am, I'm drowning and I'm in the ocean and there are boats going by and people are just looking at me wondering what is she doing? And no one will throw me a lifesaver. But at the end of the day, you're the only one that you can depend on to save yourself. You are literally the only one and you are worth it. You are worth everything in this world. Um, and it may feel like you're not after, you know, losing someone so special to you, like your mother, but your mom would not, you know, anybody listening this Austin mom in any type of way. Um, you know, your mom would not want you to look at yourself like a burden. Your mom would not want you to look at yourself like you're unworthy because you are. She brought you into this world and she loved you. So remember that, you know, remember that.
Oh my God, I love that. Yep. Okay. I'm just going to let that sit and resonate already for a little bit. Um, yeah. Well, oh my God, I am so thankful for you in new your vulnerability. I know it's not easy to come up here and show your story, but it resonated with me and I know it's going to resonate with so many people. So I think you, yeah,
think me. It was awesome. I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders even more.
Yes. That's what I love. People sharing their story and like, yes, you get to help people and you get to help yourself. Hey friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Before you go, I have four favors to ask you. First, I wanted to let you know that I host a group for women where we share our day to day stories, challenges, and victories. If you want to come along for the ride, head to Facebook and search for the life after losing mom community. Second, if you don't mind leaving me a review and telling me how I've helped you in your grief journey, I would greatly appreciate it. Third, had to cap on our.com forward slash podcast to access previous episodes and subscribe for episodes in the future. Finally had to cap on or.com to schedule a complimentary connection call with me. I'd love to know more about your grief journey. Always remember that despite losing our mothers, we have a flourishing futures
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