War and Peace in just 7 years (WAPIN7): Recent Episodes
Will & Steve
The world's biggest and most ridiculous War and Peace podcast. British comedians Will and Steve do battle with the greatest book of all time.
The enemy is at the gates, the drums are beating, the cannons are primed.
The choices you make on this day could change the trajectory of your entire life, of all of Russia.
Stick or twist, stay or go, fight or flight. What do you choose?
What if I told you there's only one War Balloon?
This is War and Peace and war is coming (even more war), and this time is personal.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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We're going full blown horse this week, with horse after glorious horse being named quicker than you can say "My Name Is Horse".
We've got fast ones, slow ones, strong ones and even some invisible ones.
It's a veritable horstravaganza and humans are not invited.
Well, ok a couple of humans can come, but only if they're with their legally appointed horses and they're willing to let their horses shine (finally).
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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Indentured peasants, motivated by nothing more than a love of the land and a cripilingly inescapable system of debt and ownership.
Poor? Definitely.
Stupid? Perhaps.
Violent? Only when drunk or angry.
But forget what you might have heard about them down at your local gentlemans club, because this week we're joining the unwashed masses to discover first hand what they really think, believe and feel.
Who leads them? What do they want? Will they ever be free?
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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All good things must come to an end - like the weekend, sleeping or a bowl of nice chips.
Even bad things must come to an end, like the hokey cokey, January, or a bee attack.
This week in War and Peace some things are coming to an end. But are these things good things, or bad things?
Or to put it another way, are they a bowl of chips, or an attack by bees, or something in between?
Ultimately you must decide.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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Circles, glorious circles, no beginning and no end, round as the day is long, perfect as a polished samovar at dawn.
But what happens if you take the humble circle and then slightly overlap it with another circle?
What then? What might happen? What could you call it? What would it do?
Join us this week as we vennture into not one, but two War and Peace circles that risk overlapping at any moment.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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The dust. It's surrounds you. In your eyes, your boots, your soul - everything is dust.
Through the dust you see a vision, a vision of your home also covered in dust - the lime trees? Dusty. Your ornamental English garden? Dusty. Your family, friends and beloved colleagues? Very dusty indeed.
What does it all mean? Why is this dust here? Join us this week as we breathe the dust down deep to try and find out.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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Letters, they simply must be delivered. Whatever is going on in the world the sweet, sweet postal imust flow.
Join Glorious Post Person No.13 and his 3 canine steeds as we brave the best (beautiful oats) and the worst (horrible exploding bombs) that rural Russia has to offer, in order to deliver paper based information that could literally save lives.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
Support the show and get in touch:
patreon.com/wapin7
It’s a question as old as time: do nasty old men (who sleep in bread bins) dream of electric sheep?!
Not following?
Best to probably just listen then…
Onwards!
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
patreon.com/wapin7wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Study us and Rate us, for extra credit!
instagram.com/wapin7podcast - View our transformation to world famous historians
tolstoy@wapin7.com - Email us your own incredibly dense historical essays
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame for a much deserved rest from all that studying
It's time for Book 10 and we're all going to the WAPIN7 school of Extremely-Serious-Military-History!
Join us as we try our best to unpick the gigantic brain of Tolstoy and discuss all things bias.
Oh, and did someone say "DRAMATIC READING?!"
Onwards!
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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patreon.com/wapin7wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Study us and Rate us, for extra credit!
instagram.com/wapin7podcast - View our transformation to world famous historians
tolstoy@wapin7.com - Email us your own incredibly dense historical essays
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame for a much deserved rest from all that studying
Get your official WAP quiz quill and parchment out of their locked golden chests and cast your mind back over this longest, and cursiest of seasons.
There are litterally thousandths of points up for grabs in the Season 9 Quiz Special!
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
It's time to take a short break from the world of War and Peace and dive even further back in time...
What happens when a local family run establishment refuses to engage with repeated noise complaints from a blood thirsty daemon?
You very much will believe the answer.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Take that, Curse! We did it!!
Book 9 of War and Peace is officially finished!
It's time to open your favourite box of biscuits, pour yourself a delicious cup of beef tea and sit back and enjoy the mayhem.
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Pierre's giant red hands quivered as he held aloft the parchment. He read the words again and again and even double checked his addition.
There was no mistake.
A bead of sweat fell from his forehead and splashed onto his baseball-glove sized hand.
He leant back in his chair and began to rock back and forth repeating the same phrase over and over again, "The Prophecy of Eggbag".
When SUDDENLY...
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
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patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Bready or not, it's Peter's week!
It's time to pop on your favourite Peter jumper, roll out of bread, and head on downstairs to see what baked treats St Peter has bestowed upon you.
So raise a loaf and toast with us, "Merry Crustmas one and all!"
It'll all make sense in the end - it always does...
Dough-ho-ho!
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Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at:
patreon.com/wapin7
Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special episodes.
〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
patreon.com/wapin7 - Fight the curse... with money!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Rate us, the curse would hate that!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Pour yourself a final cup of mud and saddle up your favourite pig, cow or even perhaps horse, because it's time to continue forwards, onwards, in the direction of travel! That way! Go!
It's a good day to die (finally!) - the sun is shining, the orders are ready, and the enemy is present. We've got everything we need for a traumatic, poorly executed battle.
Charge!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old, potentially dead man, is snoring.
Nick went to war and found a pub,
When exactly will we be warring?!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Bags. We thought we knew everything there was to know about them. We thought we'd been inside them all. But what if I told you there was one more bag, one special bag no one had ever seen before - let alone opened.
What if this bag held the power to change everything? Designed by Russia's only human pea this bag could change the war, Andy Pandy, maybe even Napolean himself.
Would you dare to open it? Would you dare to leave the comfort of your own bag and climb inside this other bag? Join us this week as we do exactly that - we're climbing inside Bag 10 and no one can stop us.
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instagram.com/wapin7podcast - See us, free us! (from the curse)
tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Ok, so there's one giant bag and inside that bag there are 9 sub-bags. Each of these 9 sub-bags, apart from bag 9, has other smaller bags inside them - think of them as sub-sub-bags.
Oh, and these bags are filled with people and each bag, including sub-bags and maybe sub-sub-bags, are in competition with each other.
What are the bags and their many many sub-bags fighting for?
Have a listen and find out.
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instagram.com/wapin7podcast - See us, free us! (from the curse)
tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
Napoleon, we've seen him wild with anger, we've seen him quiver with rage, we've seen him snuff with impunity. Now it's time to see Napoleon calm as a clam - a clam that also happens to control one of the world's most significant military forces.
Fresh from a light ride, and with his full-bodied narcissistic fury bottled safely and healthily inside, clam Napoleon is ready to chat like a big clam.
Casual, cool, calm, clam - prepare yourself for the most relaxing seafood encounter you're likely to have this week, with France's most reasonable and normal shellfish emperor.
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, the safest way to communicate in times of curse.
WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, a look back at happier curse free times.
We start with three noble Barry’s: Barry the Bugler, Barry the Bodyguard and Barry the Burger (horse). Will the Barry’s successfully escort their leader, who might also be called Barry, along the yellow brick road to find out who’s behind the curtain?
Will they succeed? Will they successfully stop the war? Or will they each get a faceful of snuff?
Whatever happens, we can all agree, it’s absolutely NOT like rain on your wedding day.
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WAPIN7.com - Visit Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, nothing bad here!
Don't be coconut shy, come on down to the WAPIN7 Fête!
We've got dodgems, teacup rides and a coconut shy! Plus an area to sell secondhand goods. It must be fate.
Fancy some candy floss?! Well, the machine is broken so you can't have any.
Oh, and we're off to war...
Again.
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, not a bad way to send us text or pictures!
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We're back for Book 9 and boy is this going to be bad!
Not the podcast, cross our saucy little fingers, but the world of War and Peace.
It's been way too long since we heard from that Napoleon chap and we really got the feeling that he wasn't quite finished last time. Plus we've had quite a bit of peace recently, which makes the title of the book quite ominous indeed.
Whatever happens we're in this together, so pour yourself a hot steaming cup of beef tea and join us for Book 9!
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tolstoy@wapin7.com - Humble email, not a bad way to send us text or pictures!
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What do you get when you mix the 'wrong type' of bees, a sentient half-dressed bear with a penchant for honey and a child with a gun and a really really nice balloon?
Why, you get the Season 8 special book episode of WAPIN7, is what you get!
And probably an extremely serious concussion which would require immediate medical attention.
Onwards!
To Ashford Forest in East Sussex - to be precise.
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patreon.com/wapin7 - Slip into action and support the podslime!wapin7.com/rate 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟- Slime a quick rating or review!
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WAPIN7.com - Join the newsletter & visit Tolstoy's Slug of Fame!
It's time for the Season 8 Catch-Up Quiz and boy do we have some questions for you!
There are pictures of comets, AI-generated nightmare art, varying degrees of slug speed accuracy and of course a question about the Smurfs. How does this all link to book 8 of War and Peace?
There's only one way to find out...
Onwards!
*Cue Gameshow Music
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Full list of incredible slug facts: https://a-z-animals.com/blog/10-incredible-slug-facts/
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The time has finally come - the end of another book is upon us.
Gather round slugs, worms, maggots and humans young, old and slimy as we seamlessly complete character arcs, wrap up storylines, culminate journeys literal and figurative, and generally tie up loose ends in this decisive season finale.
The slug square is positively quivering with anticipation, and so should you be too.
Here's to one more book, and many more to come!
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What happens when you add one more side to a love triangle? What happens when one of those sides is an actual slug? A slug who was hell-bent on abducting one of the sides of the square!
We promise you this all makes perfect sense. Maybe pour yourself a long drink a take a good slug...
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Incredibly attractive as they may be, slugs are typically not known for their speed or for their clever plans.
Today that all changes. Prepare to meet the slug who has it all... great looks, sure (like all slugs), but also an incredible mensa level planning intellect, and exclusive access to the fastest transport system this side of Prussia.
He's got everything he needs, except for one thing - a slug bride, but today that all could be about to change.
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I kissed a slug, and I liked it
Taste of its slime... surprising
I kissed a slug, just to try it
I hope my fiance don't mind it
It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don't mean I'm a gastropod tonight
I smooched a slug and I liked it
(I liked it)
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Slugs: the familiar garden beastie known for their gelatinous trails, unsightly appearance and voracious love of salad.
19th century Russian slugs were a little different - around 6ft tall they were known to roam in pairs, using their incredible influence and good looks to lure unsuspecting victims into questionable slime related situations.
Today we’re going inside the slimy mind of Moscow’s biggest, most prolific slug and his equally sluggy sidekick.
They'll be slugging their way around town covering everything in their path in deplorable, upsetting, slime, and we’ll be asking some crucial questions: What do slugs think? What do they want? If they get their slimy hands on you, is there any escape?
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Why does the Devil have a saucepan son and why are they dancing? What's wrong with the King's arms? Why is he also dancing? Why is their world made entirely of cardboard?
I wish we could answer those questions but unfortunately we just have more: why is the audience slowly getting naked, why is everyone screaming, will Natasha - or for that fact anyone - ever be happy again?
We're off to the Opera!
It's all over when the Devil breakdances.
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If we want to understand why pure, inescapable sadness has descended on what was once a happy, albeit somewhat violent and troubling book, we must go back in time.
Way, way, way back, all the way to Book 7 and ask ourselves some hard questions - what went wrong? Is anyone to blame? Could over indulgence of sauce or other condiments possibly be the culprit?
Everything on the table this week, even the sauces, as we go deep into the bottle of sadness to find out just how we got here and how the heck we might get out.
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Sure, being sad is sad. We can't deny it. It feels bad, it feels really quite sad in fact.
But what if the only way to conquer sadness is to be even more sad? What if you could have so much sadness that sadness itself would become sad and spit you out?
It's a bold idea, sadness would never expect that.
Join us this week as we try once again to vanquish sadness in the only way left, by flipping the whole damn sad town on its head and sadding things up until the sadness falls right out. It's big, it's bold, it's sad, it's WAPIN7 Book 8.
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You thought you knew sad? You know, sad... that feeling you get when you realise you've eaten the last crisp and there won't be any more crisps tonight, or when you have a shower and the hot water runs out, or even when you're on a call and the WiFi drops off and you don't know why. Sad, very sad indeed.
But it turns out things can be even sadder than that, things can get really, really sad actually in quite a sad way.
So buckle up your sad belt, pack a happy snack in your pocket and join us on the sad bus. If we're going to sad town, at least we're going together.
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The name's Jimbo, Jimbo Secretan, Her Magesty's Ornothologist and best gambler in Britain.
Yes that's right it's time for the final special episode of Season 7 - this time it's a matter of national importance and there's only one man fit for the job.
He likes to drink heavily, smoke like a trumpet, and by gosh can he gamble his way out of a corner. The stakes have never been higher, the ties have never been blacker, and the plans have never been smarter than with James 'Jimbo' Bond in Ian Flemming's first Bond book 'Casino Royale'.
Grab a glass of pure vodka containing a small olive or other vegetable of your choosing, and join us for an adventure that simply must be destroyed after listening.
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Apologies for the earlier sound issues with this episode - if you're reading this then you should be listening to the fixed version. Thanks to the people that got in touch to let us know ❤️!
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Join us for this incredibly special centenary episode of WAPIN7 - an unbelivable milestone for us, you, Tolstoy and surprisingly the animals of London Zoo.
Chosen by our Patrons, the Zoo is of course the obvious place to go for this commemorative - likely collectable - episode and it's the natural venue to host a quiz about War and Peace. We've got all the animals you might expect in a good quiz plus a few more: lions, gorillas, pigs, smurfs, snails, turtles, ants and even cows.
Good luck in the quiz and thank you for listening and supporting the show, we love it, we love you - here's to the next 100 episodes!
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Join us for this incredibly special centenary episode of WAPIN7 - an unbelivable milestone for us, you, Tolstoy and surprisingly the animals of London Zoo.
Chosen by our Patrons, the Zoo is of course the obvious place to go for this commemorative - likely collectable - episode and it's the natural venue to host a quiz about War and Peace. We've got all the animals you might expect in a good quiz plus a few more: lions, gorillas, pigs, smurfs, snails, turtles, ants and even cows.
Good luck in the quiz and thank you for listening and supporting the show, we love it, we love you - here's to the next 100 episodes!
///
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GHOSTS, WITCHES, CLOWNS, BEARS as well as the HUMAN BEAN - we've got it all this week, as we descend deep into hell for this final episode of Book 7.
You didn't expect it, we certainly didn't expect it, but yes - it's the end (already!) of the Book. But if we're going, we're going in style: dinner - yes, kissing - check, chit chat with other worldly spirits - absolutely.
So dry your tears, put your toys back in the pram, grab a bowl of jelly and join Will, Steve and the actual devil to say sayonara to Book 7.
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It is rumoured that Shakira wrote her global smash hit single after being inspired by a perfect bowl of oats.
The, now infamous, story goes that Shakira was so moved by the oats that she demanded a harp was bought to the table so she could express her joy and appreciation through music.
Upon completion of the song; she triumphantly held her bowl of half eaten oats aloft and announced to the stars, "Don't you see, baby, this is perfection?!"
Absolutely none of that is true.
How and why does this relate to book seven of War and Peace? We hear you scream!
There's only one way to find out...
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You know the old saying: Hunt hard, play hard. And boy have we hunted hard.
Drop your crop, hang your horn, and swap your hunting knife for an eating knife, because the hunt is over and it's time to party like it's 1799 all over again.
We've got incredible new food stuffs, so much alcohol it would make Count Rostov blush, as well as some of the country's hottest open mic acts - all of it in Russia's most secretive, fresh, and diplomat new venue. It's party time.
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Since the beginning of time there have been rivalries that have transcended the generations:
- Cats and dogs
- Sliced bread and non sliced bread
- Red or white wine
And many more!
It's time for a new rivalry.
Can any living being catch hares better than Digital Susan?
Everything is on the line.
*Woof
And they're off!
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It's an age old question: How many dogs would a good dog dog if a good dog could dog dogs?
Is 5 dogs the right answer? 50? Would 5000 dogs be a good number of dogs to involve?
Tolstoy wasn't afraid of asking the hard questions, and neither are we.
So down a pint of your best brandy, rename your favourite horse and join us this week as we go on the hunt for answers to some of the world's most pressing and urgent questions.
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One is the epic and unforgettable adventure of a talking bulldog, a talking golden retriever and presumably a talking cat and the other; a tale of a soldier's rather forgettable journey home to fix his family's financial mess.
Which is which?!
There's only one way to find out...
Onwards to BOOK 7!
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We've got questions on hands, talking golden Smurf trees, archaic ultra-complicated temperature scales, bad calendars, pirate ships and somehow even a Jazz pianist. What links them all?
Book 6 of War and Peace.
Are you ready to put your WAP knowledge to the ultimate test?
It's time to end season 6 on a big quiz bang.
*CUE GAMESHOW MUSIC
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Additional SFX in this episode from zapsplat.com
Forks, Washington gets 110 inches of rain, on average, per year. The US average is 38 inches of rain per year.
A lot of rain to wash away your sins... Perhaps; perhaps indeed.
Forks averages 7 inches of snow per year. The US average is 28 inches of snow per year.
Why doesn't the rain want to turn into snow? Spooky. Very spooky indeed...
On average, there are 131 sunny days per year in Forks. The US average is 205 sunny days.
What is the sun so scared of? What mystical and deeply emotional beings are hiding in the shadows?
There's only one way to find out.
Time to get into the big red truck and find out why Twilight is the best and worst book series of all time.
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Nothing to see here, move along, move along.
It's just another standard week in War and Peace this week as the perfectly normal married humans, Vera and Berg, do utterly expected and human-y things with their normal human friends.
Join us normal listener as we peer into their completely acceptable and expected lives. What will we find? Just your average humans doing normal stuff we expect - perhaps they will be having a nice time doing normal things normally with friends, or quite possibly they will be doing their normal activities but completely on their own, which is ALL GOOD with us, as it is with them.
They're normal, you're normal, we're probably even normal. Everything is NORMAL, and everything is FINE, OK??
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Prince Andy is on the hunt for happiness but in order to find it he simply must experience ambivalence, nihilism and straight up unhappiness first.
This episode is sort of like a football match. But instead of two teams playing football, it's actually happiness and sadness sort of fighting each other. The winner gets to be the king of all football... Yeah, it's not really like that at all actually.
Maybe we should leave the writing to Tolstoy.
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We've been to soirees, parties, even a casual ball or five during our time with War and Peace. We've watched as The King of Sauce set the dance floor on fire, we've seen kids doing backflips to impress other kids, we've applauded out of fear and amazement as the Blunt Dragon devoured people whole.
Truly we thought we'd seen everything that high society Russia had to offer.
Little did we know that there was another type of ball. A bigger ball. A better ball. A less lame and more incredible and important ball... The Grand Ball.
Join us this week, as we attend the most important ball of any of our lives. Fates, minds and hearts will be made or broken tonight, all of Russian society could change in an instant, the world hangs in the balance at this ball to end all balls. See you there, don't be late.
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Some marry for love.
Some marry for a protracted negotiation around dowry payments, up front deposits, cash incentives and share options.
Some choose not to marry because they don't love someone.
Some choose not to marry because the dowry payments, up front deposits, cash incentives and share options aren't optimal in the current economic climate and the return on investment will be suboptimal.
- Cue Succession Theme
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Dear Diary,
My name's Pierre and I'm in my 20s, maybe early 30s, I'm not really sure. I've had a strange few years, I swapped my wife for a pile of bones and then I built a hospital out of money and sticks. Now I'm a senior guy at a pretty cool secret club, they think I'm pretty cool, but I'm starting to worry all the blood and arguments might not be as great as I first thought.
Anyway sleepy now, night night diary,
Pierre xox
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All together now!
He's got the rights of the people, in his hands!
He's got plump white hands, for his hands!
He's got a strange way of talking, in his hands!
He's got the whole world in his hands!///
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We’re back! It’s officially Volume 2, it’s officially 1808, it’s officially spring. Indeed, the spring has never been springier in this spring-time spring spectacular. Peel off precisely one layer, go for a walk, and get ready to feel the full force of spring’s power.
Chirping birds - check.
Blooming flowers - check.
Talking trees - check.
This is going to be the best damn spring of our entire lives.
///
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You've been hanging on to that cliff for too long!
It's time for us to set you free and reveal the murderer! Or MURDERERS!!
This week it's all about windows and doors and locks and nails and hair but mainly windows and locks and doors and did we mention windows?!
Get ready for the payoff of to the world's FIRST detective story.
You're not going to believe it...
//
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Move over Sherlock, pipe down Poirot, check yourself Miss Marple - there's a new detective in town and he's the real og.
This week we meet the incredible deductive mind of August Dupin - a sexy, forceful and profoundly arogant amateur detective cleaning up the streets of Paris with nothing more than his wit, his assistant and his incredible telepathic abilities.
Written by Edgar Allan Poe in 1841 it is widely considered to be the first ever detective story.
//
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You look down at your large red powerful hands. You clench one into a fist and pump it triumphantly into the air! You've finished Book 5 of War and Peace and rightly want the world to know about.
"What next?!" You scream.
"I need more!!"
It's time to put your knowledge of Book 5 to the ultimate test. We've got questions about: bones, hands, horses, Smurfs and Freemasons.
*CUE GAMESHOW MUSIC
Let us know how you do! - email tolstoy@wapin7.com or follow us @wapin7podcast on Instagram
0 - 4 = Dishonourable Discharge
5 - 9 = Partial Pardon
Over 10 = Full Pardon!!!!
///
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It's the end of Book 5 AND the end of Volume 1 of War and Peace - and there are just so many unanswered questions:
Will Denisov escape the law?
Will peace last forever?
Will the surfs ever truly be free?
Why was that hospital so awful?
Will Nicky get an arbitrary promotion for no reason in particular?
Where did all those bones come from?
Who the hell stole all the biscuits?
What was that tiny monkey butler all about?
Join us for this historic episode as we attempt to answer all or perhaps none of these questions!
//
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Casual clothes day, dress down day, own clothes day, free dress day, non-uniform day, uniform free day, wear what you want day...
Whatever you call it, it might be a day you look back on fondly, remembering that time you wore your favourite jeans to school and everyone said "great jeans". Or perhaps it's memory you've locked deep in your memory shed because of the time you wore jeans to school and everyone else was also wearing jeans.
Or maybe, just maybe, you've no idea what we're talking about, because you always, without fail wear a uniform.
Join us this week as Nicky gets seriously sartorial as he attempts to use the power of his own clothes to save himself, his friends, and the entire world.
//
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🇺🇦 How to support the people of Ukraine 🇺🇦
- Support from the UK
- Support from the US
- Other ways to help from your country
//
We've had mustard plasters, hot beef tea and leeches.
In this week's episode we can add one more questionable healthcare practice to our list: laughter
You know what they say?
"A giggle a day keeps the Doctor away!"
Be sure to bring your favourite joke book with you because we're going on a tour of the worst hospital ever and we think you might need it.
If you've assembled an IKEA cupboard or two you'll know how essential good, clear instructions are. They really can make the difference between having an attractive, sturdy cupboard, or finding yourself poisoned, shot and starving after a monumental argument.
This week we're opening a couple of WAP instructional manuals - first we'll be leafing through "How to build your first mud hut in 1000 easy steps," a simple and fun guide as relevant today as it was in the 1800s. After that we'll be creasing the pages of "Biscuits and poisoness potatoes: How to spot the difference and eat as many as possible" - an equally essential guide that litterally could make the difference between having biscuits to eat, and not having any biscuits to eat.
Don't risk being biscuitless this week - listen to the episode now.
//
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Pierre the perfect pilgrim pleaser pleases pilgrims perfectly in this week's perfectly priceless episode of WAPIN7.
PAUSE!
"Pierre? Perfect!? " You proudly protest!
Well yes! Pierre is a perfect, polished, patient, professional, pleasant, punctilious and perfectly perfect player and it's about time everyone knew it!
Preach!
//
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This week we're talking Serfs - the indentured workforce of 1800s Russia, bonded to a lifetime of hard labor for zero pay as they slowly die from preventable diseases in their rat infested hovels.
We'll be asking "Is that really that bad?" and hearing things like "Maybe my Serfs are actually having a great time?" as well as "Even if it won't cost me much to significantly improve their lives, what's the point? I can't be bothered quite frankly".
Plus we meet one man who's showing his big red finger to the nay sayers as he tries to glam-up his Serfs, for better or worse.
//
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We just got a meta letter!
I wonder who it's from?
A letter inside another letter!
I wonder who it's from?!
A letter longer than time itself...
I wonder who it's from!!
A special special meta letter that's super extra long!
WHO IS IT FROM?!?! JUST TELL ME!
There's only one way to find out...
//
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Warm up your mouth, polish your teeth and fill your lungs because it's time to party! Yes that's right, you are invited to another sensational Anna 1 get together where your hips absolutely will not do the talking, but your lips certainly will.
Prepare to chat, schmooze, and wag your chin all the way to the top as you compete with the greatest small talkers in all of St. Petersberg. Will you tell the joke of a lifetime and be instantly made emperor? Or will you stick your foot so deep in your mouth we'll have to call for Dr. Loraine?
Not since Book 1 has there been such an incredible opportunity - we'll see you there.
//
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We've all joined ultra secretive societies before. We all know the drill: box of bones, blindfold, various sets of gloves with incredibly specific uses, a trowel, some aprons, secret hieroglyphs, an unknowable mystery, various states of undress and of course a very very very large bill to be paid immediately!
For those of you who haven't joined a secret society I think you're in for quite a treat...
"More bones, please!!"
//
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Ahoy me hearties! What better way to start Book 5 than with an old sea shanty!
One sad man in a very sad place
Yo ho ho and a bottle of vodka
Enter the Pirate King with a large round face
Yo ho ho and a bottle of vodka
Who is the Pirate King? What does he want? Why is he yelling? Why does he only eat tiny bits of sugar?
There's only one way to find out...
It be time to walk the plank!
//
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What happens when you take a boring old monkey paw, fill it with magical evilness and exactly three wishes, and give it to an unsuspecting family who like playing chess and listening to the wind?
Will they wish for world peace?
Will they wish for the world's best clown?
Will they wish for more paws?
There's only one way to find out...
"Monkey Paw, I wish for a special episode of WAPIN7 summarising ALL of the Monkey's Paw!"
*WISH GRANTING SOUNDS
**Also some wind sounds
//
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You've finished book 4 of the greatest book of all time!
You're feeling proud, brave and completely diplomat. You howl with pride. Howl like a recently cursed werewolf singing his heart out at the clavichord. Just as you reach the crescendo of your happy wolf song it dawns on you... Do I actually remember anything?
Well do you?!
It's quiz time!
We've got questions about 13th century personal pronouns, shopping lists, Russian Emperors, Ham, Hands, Money, Mums and of course Smurfs.
There's only one thing left to do.
*CUE GAMESHOW MUSIC
Let us know how you do! - email tolstoy@wapin7.com or follow us @wapin7podcast on Instagram
0 - 9 = Alexander III
10 - 20 = Alexander II
Over 20 = The most perfect handsome man of all time: Alexander I
///
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Ancient Russian legends speak of an old curse.
It is said there is a man, human at a glance, but listen to him sing and you will hear the beautiful and sad voice of a wolf.
This half man, half wolf, is older than time itself. Through the millenia he has sought but one thing, one thing that could finally release him from his furry prison - true love.
Who is this beast? Will the curse finally be broken? How can this possibly relate to War and Peace?
Join us this week as we answer these questions and more in the final episode of Book 4.
///
Thanks for listening to Book 4! We've got a couple of special episodes coming up before we start Book 5 (December 2nd) and we want your suggestions of a book to summarise in a one off special - leave a comment or send us a DM on Patreon now!
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The first rule of Ping-Pong-Cricket cards is: you do not talk about Ping-Pong-Cricket-Cards.
The second rule of Ping-Pong-Cricket Cards: you DO NOT talk about Ping-Pong-Cricket Cards!
Third rule of Fight Club, sorry Ping-Ping-Cricket Cards: if someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, or taps out, the Ping-Pong-Cricket Card game is over.
Theres only one question, 'Are you afraid to play?"
Everything is on the line... (sort of)
*Cue Ominous Music
///
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Ominous music attribution: Soundscape 20 (dark-atonal-ominous-pulsing) by Soularflair
TONIGHT @ IOGELS
Moscow's Hottest Club 1806
Get ready YOUNG PEOPLE for the biggest night of the year: the alcopops are flowing, the beats are gnarlier than Napoleon, and the dance moves are completely diplomat! Yes it's SINGLES NIGHT at IOGELS.
Don't miss out, book your tickets now.
GUEST LIST ONLY. ALCOPOP FOUNTAIN. DANCE COMP.
///
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We've had some good times over the last 64 episodes haven't we? We've laughed, we've loved, we've danced the Cooper. Absolutely, there was a small amount of horrifying war, and just a touch of mindless violence. But overall, it's been a lot of fun.
But as the saying goes, sometimes life gives you pineapples, and sometimes life drops hundreds of huge, sad, pineapples on you from a great height and if they hit you you'll feel incredibly sad and in pain.
This week is the 2nd kind of week, so as the sad pineapples rain down around us let's find strength in the thought that at least we've got each other. No matter how many pineapples Tolstoy throws at us from the sky, we're reading the book together.
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Shy Moscovite Pierre (Hugh Grant) meets Moscovian Hélène (Andie MacDowell) at their own wedding and enjoys several months of marriage to her.
The next time they meet, at their own house, Hélène is accompanied by a poor but amusing lover Dolokhov (Corin Redgrave), leaving Pierre heartbroken.
Never mind, with the bald hills on the horizon, there's still time for him to win the love of his local sweetheart using anger, money, and shouting.
This hugely popular comedy established Hugh Grant as Hollywood's favourite bumbling Russian and garnered Oscar nominations for Best Picture.
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The party continues!
As guests greedily sup turtle soup and toast every single person in Russia a storm is brewing...
Not a literal storm, like a storm, but an internal storm.
What happens when a massive man with long sad hair and giant healthy red hands is pushed to his limits? Will he explode like a large massive bomb; or will he just sit there looking all sad and red?
Retribution is coming.
///
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Dear Listener,
You are cordially invited to an evening of fine dining, amusements, and powerful dancing at The English Club.
In attendance will be one SPECIAL GUEST plus Russia's oldest and wealthiest men, and of course me, the sauciest boy in town Count 'Sauce guy' Rostov. Truly it is not to be missed.
Over 18 delightful courses we will travel the culinary world, consuming everything from chicken chins to sterlet shins. The official sauce of the party is 'mayonnaise' so please dress appropriately.
I look forward to your reply from the bottom of my sauce pot.
Sincaucely,
Saucey saucey Count Rostov
///
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Say goodbye to Season 3 because it's time for Season 4!
The war is having a well deserved holiday. It's tired from all the retreating and endless bouts of foggy mist and misty misty fog.
Even though we're far from the front lines of the actual war there is still a war... but this war is a war between rigid social norms and being honest to your feelings.
In a literal sense it's also a war between 'you' and 'thou' and may I say now that we have never been more confused by anything so far in the book.
Thankfully Vera and her army of mouth spiders are on hand to sort it all out.
It feels good to be back.
Onwards!
///
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It's that wonderful time of the season... QUIZ TIME!
What can you remember from book 3 of War and Peace? It's time to don your finest velvet reading cape, pour a large glass of steaming hot beef tea and retreat deep inside your memory shed.
We've got questions about mailboxes, fog, the 1971 film Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and of course some questions about book 3 of War and Peace: quotes, motivations, sayings and more!
There's even a surprise listener question.
There really is only one word left to say...
Onwards!
Let us know how you do! - email tolstoy@wapin7.com or follow us @wapin7podcast on Instagram
0 - 4 = Darren 3
5 - 13 = Darren 2
14 - 25 = Darren 1 (AKA The BEST Darren!)
///
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It's the early 19th century and a handsome single chap with loads of dosh has moved in just round the corner. There's only thing to do: gossip.
Dust off your reading cape, iron your finest party hat and check the tires on your chaise because we're going to a party!
Who will do the most backflips? Which daughter will be the best at potentially being married? Who will put the evil Mr Darcy in his place?
There's only one way to find out...
ONWARDS!
///
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We wanted it to be on. We waited for it to be on. Now it's actually on, and it might be better if it was off.
Can we change our minds?
Last week we were left desperately hanging from the literary cliff, and this week we're boldly letting go. Join us as we descend through the soup-thick fog in search of answers... Who is dead? Who is alive? Have we completely lost? Did Daddy ever make it to Disneyland? And most importantly of all - what happened to that small pond mentioned briefly several weeks ago?
We'll be answering some, all, or none of these questions this week. Don't miss it.
///
We'll be back with Book 4 on September 2nd, between now and then though we'll of course have a couple of special episodes for you:
August 12th - New book special
August 26th - Book 3 Catch-up Quiz
Have a great few weeks & we'll see you then! xx
///
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Where once there was fog, or maybe dense mist, but probably definitely fog, now there lies smoke.
Like an incredibly dense super-fog, the smoke hides all it touches...
Has the averagely tall Napoleon's dastardly plan paid off? Is everyone dead? Will the Russians find their way out of this hyper-fog-mist-smoke-hybrid?
We'd be lying if we said it wasn't on.
It really, really, really is.
We're really, really, really sure now.
///
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The fog was thick. Thick as a thick, thick bowl of fog soup.
Everywhere young Nicky Rostov turned he saw the dense white of the horrible thick fog. It was like being inside a pie made entirely of milk.
"Hello!" he shouted "It's me Nicky Rostov is anyone there?" The thick, milky fog consumed his words like a pack of pigeons around an unlucky chip.
"I'm here to fight the French... I'm not scared" he shouted, a little too loudly.
Just then, through the thick horrible milky white fog, he saw an even whiter thing, white and bright as if a lighthouse were sailing across the battlefield.
As Nicky drew closer he saw it for what it was - a single, impeccably white glove, drifting down from the high cliff.
How did this glove get here? Where were the French? WHY was there so much fog?!
A short excerpt from:
War and Peace 2: There Will Be Fog
By WAPIN7's Steve///
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Yeah we're doing this again...
We're sorry, OK!
We were so sure it was on before and so we said it was "on" but then it wasn't "on" and then this episode happened and at the end we were both like, "oh boy, it really is on now!"
To be honest we don't know if it's on.
We hope it's on.
We're so sorry if it turns out that next week it isn't actually on.
///
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Diary - I've simply got to tell you! Something incredible has happened. Are you ready??? I actually MET the emperor today, the real Russian emperor, and it was A-MAZ-ING!!!
Here's what happened... I was standing around on the road feeling MAD about not getting to do any fighting when suddenly everything slowed down. Everyone was quiet, and it was like the air was ON FIRE.
That's when I saw him. He was Majestic. Amazing. Majazing! Haha - it was like he was surrounded in white light and was hovering down the street like a big beautiful hummingbird without any wings. When he spoke it was like eating really amazing honey or just a whole LUMP of sugar!
And diary, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, but he LOOKED into my EYES.
I nearly DIED.
OK it's my bedtime now, I'll tell you more tomorrow. I'm going to dream about the emperor! I love him!
Nicky Rostov, aged 20½
16th November 1805
On a road near Wachau, Austria
///
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Oompa loompa doompety doo
We've got a perfect chapter for you
Oompa loompa doompety doris
This one is sort of all about Boris
What do you get when you want a sweet job?
Stories of Emperor's dropping their stuff
Who is the short man shifty as hell?
Standing and staring, run but don't yell!
We don't like the look of it
///
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These days we think nothing of receiving a sick gif from great grandma Bing, or a wicked TikTok from second uncle Pepe. There's no limit to the number of dope memes pinging live into our notification zones, hot and fresh from friends far and wide.
Back in 1805 though, Tikhon was the closest you came to TikTok, and if you wanted to see Count Rostov doing that funny dance, you had to knock on his door.
But that doesn't mean they had no excitement whatsoever, far from it. Join us this week as we pack ourselves into an envelope, pop on a stamp, and jump head first into the famous Russian mail system in search of high entertainment.
We'll be spanning the length and breadth of Europe delivering crucial information, scintillating gossip, and a double dollop of cold hard cash.
You can tweet-bomb that Office meme later - for now, listen to this episode.
///
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Might Mary maybe marry?
And Anatole... an angel awaits?
Naysayer Nasty Nick needs "NO!"
Tikhon turnip turtle train...
OK, enough of the amazing alliteration. There's mystery aplenty in this week's episode: someone has a tail, there's irrefutable proof of a superpower and Mary's fate is finally fettled, sorry, settled!
Mary, is it a 'YES!' or a 'NO!"
You won't believe the answer.
///
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Dearest Listener,
You are cordially invited to the 1805 FATHER OF THE YEAR awards, recognising some of the most incredible, selfless and thoughtful fathering from the past twelve months.
Taking place at the famous Sad Mansion, this year's gala will be an unforgettable event - with catering from the renowned McTurtle Food Corp™, music from the triple platinum Gravy Boaters, plus of course the incredibly moving stories from our Father Of The Year Nominees:
- Prince Vasíli Kurágin - Proud father to three lovely children, Vasíli has spent the year bravely marrying them off for huge amounts of money. His hobbies include riding Disney Land's Dingo Mountain and money.
- Prince Nicholas Andreevich 'Nasty Nick' Bolkónski - A decorated army general, bespoke snuff box maker, author, scholar and mathematician, Nick really is the model father to his two wonderful children. Hobbies include powdering wigs and expressing himself with his nose.
- Tikhon - The world famous circus performer turned PA, he is the bookies' favourite despite not having any children.
Whoever wins it promises to be an absolutely unmissable event, so you really should not miss it.
With anticipation,
Will & Steve
///
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We're back at Sad Mansion and there really is snow way out. It's time to arrange another wedding, so let's really dial up the sad-ometer!
Nasty Nick is back and he is positively piste! His angry sneezes are seconds away from causing an avalanche of misery. Will he succeed in making everyone in the house cry? Will he pull off the biggest prank of the entire book? Will Marry smile? Will Vasili inch closer to Space Mountain? Will the pretty pregnant Princess start a successful fashion blog?
There's only one way to find out...
Grab the shovel.
///
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You know the feeling - your bags are packed, you've triple checked the passports, your pockets are stuffed with travel ham. This is going to be the best holiday ever.
But as your horse drawn taxi clatters toward the airport a terrible sensation creeps up your spine.
What have you forgotten?
You took the bear to the bear sitter, check. Household gas and electricity supply doesn't exist yet, it can't be that. Snuff boxes? They've all been sorted alphabetically, all good.
Out of the window you see a doughnut on the floor. Doughnut. Daughnut. Daughter! The blood drains from your face - "Taxi - STOP! Turn around! We must go back!"
How could you be so stupid! You've forgotten to marry your daughter to someone incredibly wealthy. Disneyland will have to wait.
With shaking cheeks and clenched fists, you slowly tear your non-refundable tickets in two. When all the children are married, you'll probably be able to buy your own Disneyland. All in good time, all in good time.
///
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Sick and tired of having grapes shot at you all day? Fed up of cheese rolls and barefooted handsome psychopaths? Are you longing for your old life of decadence? A life of seemingly endless and interchangeable social gatherings? A life full of turtle-based snacks and unforgettable anecdotes from the freshest diplomatists that Russia has to offer?
Are your hands really massive and red?
Do you need a wife? DO YOU WANT A WIFE?!
If you answered 'YES!' to any of these questions, we think you're ready for Book 3.
"Pop another turtle on the BBQ and fetch my party wig!"
///
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This week we're giving Tolstoy a well earned rest - while he enjoys a Turkish pipe and a nice hot bath, we're diving head first into the blue, blood-warm waters of William Golding's Lord of the Flies.
Lauded alongside War and Peace as one of the greatest books of all time, Lord of the Flies finally answers the age old question 'should society be exclusively run by small children?'
A bunch of boys crash land on a desert island, within minutes they've founded a small democratic island nation. It's all going wizzoh, wizzard, perhaps even smashing - but are cool catchphrases, casual bullying, and a jolly good adventure enough to hold a society together?
Oh, and there's an evil pig ghost thing that maybe wants them all dead.
Let us know if you enjoy this special episode and if you'd like to hear more like it - tolstoy@wapin7.com or @wapin7podcast. Season 3 of War and Peace In Just 7 Years will be back on 13th May!
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You've finished Book 2 of War and Peace! Take a bow. The crowd are chanting your name!
"YOU ARE SO DIPLOMAT
Flowers fall from the sky. You wipe a single tear from your cheek and take a triumphant bite of delicious ham.
If you've been with us from the start, or are but a simple traveller on the literary podcast highway looking for a refresh of Book 2 of the greatest book ever, take a seat. Grab a pen, fluff a pillow and get ready to quiz.
We've got questions about war, horses, distance, Smurfs, ham, ships and of course spiders. How many points can you get? There really is only one way to find out...
Cue Game Show Music!
Be sure to join us in two weeks (29th of April) for another special episode. We'll be back with Book 3 on the 13th of May.
Let us know how you do! - email tolstoy@wapin7.com or follow us @wapin7podcast on Instagram
0-10 = The Coward Zherkov
11-20 = A Daring Dholokov
21 - 30 = King or Queen of the Wattleshed
30+ = Darren himself
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Hi Will,
I've just been going through the official WAPIN7 End of Book Checklist, and I'm pleased to say today's episode really has got it all:
✅ Intense dramatic tension
✅ New horse x 1
✅ Andy Pandy mic droppin' all over the shop
✅ Incredible literary prose
✅ Multiple descriptions of HANDS
✅ Unbelievable displays of military incompetence
✅ Minor arguments about shoes and logs
✅ AT LEAST ONE naked man
Anyway, just wanted to say it's been great to make this season with you - despite what everyone says about you you're actually a pretty OK guy. When you next speak to the audience can you tell them how awesome and great they are, and also mention that Season 3 will start on the 13th of May with a couple of SPECIAL episodes in the gap, make it sound really exciting and mysterious (because it is).
You're so diplomat!
Steve
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Suddenly
Adverb
quickly and without warning; unexpectedly
Will was perfectly summarising a chapter of War and Peace when suddenly Steve interjected and told him off for saying “‘suddenly” too much. Will, like the hapless General, turned purple with rage and was about to defend his honour when SUDDENLY -
Be honest, you’re extremely intrigued to find out what happens next.
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Goodbye, Darren, my old friend
You were a horsey to the end
You softly galloped on your sweet hooves
The bravest friend that we could ever lose
I have a vision, of you nibbling on some hay
In the sky
Within the barn of silence.
Read the full eulogy: https://wapin7.com/episode/42-it-has-continued
///
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You'd be forgiven for thinking the beginning of the book was the beginning - oh how naive you are! 41 chapters in and now it's really time to get things started.
The horses are primed, the ham supplies are looking good and the cannon balls have been mopped to perfection.
One thing we hadn't thought of was the requirement of an extremely well dressed Accountant...
Now that he's here, calculator in hand, there's really only one thing left to say -
It
Has
Begun!
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Do you want to be SUCCESSFUL?
Do you want to be IMPRESSIVE, FAMOUS and ATTRACTIVE?
Do you want to be heroically KILLED BY GRAPE SHOT?
If the answer to any of these questions is 'YES I DO', 'PERHAPS' or 'NOT REALLY' then WAPIN7's Climbing The Success Pyramid is the hot new motivational book for YOU.
Learn why the most successful people only ever wear denim, how epigrams can make you look smart, and how your pre-existing connections, influence and money can get you what you want.
Don't wait - listen to this week's episode now and climb the pyramid today.
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You know the saying, "War and Peace go together like birds of a feather".
Birds have lots of feathers, you see, and a bird would not actually be legally called a bird if it had no feathers... Which is a lot like war and peace when you think about it. I mean, when you really think about it.
Can you ever truly have peace without having some war? Does war inevitably always lead to peace? Is there a bird that exists in the wild without feathers, and if so, will it declare an unstoppable war?!
We, like the Russian Generals, have absolutely no idea.
*No birds were harmed (or even mentioned) in this episode.
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Andy Pandy, aged 20¼Tuesday 19th November, 1805Bilibin's house, Brunn, Austria
Dear Diary, I'M SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP! Tomorrow I'm going to see the Emperor (finally!) and I'm going to tell him all about my amazing victory! I've brushed my whole uniform so I'll look 'totally on fleek as heck' (that's one of my fresh new epigrams I'm trying to coin haha).
Bilibin is a really cool guy actually, he's the head of a gang here 'Les Nótres' - they sound a bit scary. They're having a gang brunch tomorrow, so hopefully I can impress them with the cool sayings I've been working on.
I WANT TO BE FAMOUS! Why don't people see that I'm really, really good at being in the army and doing war stuff. One day I'll be the most famous war hero in the whole world, then they'll see!
Night night, diary xx
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We've all seen The Mighty Ducks or that film with the bobsleighs or that one with all the karate kicking...
You know how it goes. Just as it looks like you'll never be able to bobsleigh really well, or do the best karate kick at the karate kick competition, a montage sequence begins to play. Eye of Tiger is turned up to 10 and then, without warning, your team of ducks perform the best karate kick the world has ever seen!
As your team of super ducks triumphantly raise you into the air, you excitedly await the certain adulation of your Emperor and King...
The Emperor's gone home. The King is busy checking his Insta.
Why does no one care?
Time to find out.
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You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea.
That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort.
As 12 TVs fall to the floor, and quinoa fills the street you realise you've made a huge mistake: you've completely forgotten to buy grapes, and it could mean the end of everything.
You turn around, in the distance are the burning shops and discount-crazed mob you thought you had escaped. Sword in hand, you go back.
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Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.
Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.
The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck!
That's when the first cannon ball flies past your head...
Is this Black Friday or are you at war in the 19th century? Sometimes it can be hard to tell.
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Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed.
Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies.
Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked treat could be Russia's secret weapon in the fight against the powerful, but pie-less, Napoleon.
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They speak of a man with fish for hands,
a man who's addicted to crime .
Your treasures are safe?
Oh yes! In the safest place!
Well for now then I guess you are fine...
OR ARE YOU?!
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The Russian army sure know how to throw a parade - but was spending all that time changing coats and polishing penknives really the brilliant strategic manoeuvrer it first seemed?
Join us this week as we turn on the slow motion camera to watch the hobbledehoy slowly move toward the fan, then actually hit the fan, then spread horrible, sticky hobbledehoy absolutely everywhere.
What happens next could be horribledehoy, it could be happydehoy, but one thing's for certain - it's all gone hobbledehoy!
///
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Just like your favourite boomerang, we are back!
Dust off your WAP-WAPPY-WAP Quote Book, plump up your favourite War and Peace themed pillow, pop on your velvet listening cape and get ready for Book 2 of the greatest novel of all time!
We've had enough parties to make even Miley Cyrus throw in the towel. Now, it's time for War...
Well, perhaps not quite yet, but we are with some soldiers and they have some really bad booties.
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Vigorously boil your eggnog, put a mince pie in EACH hand, and get ready to experience yet another literary classic from Leo Tolstoy.
This week we're digging deep into the Leo library to bring you one of the lesser-known Tolstoy classics - his Christmas fable 'The Young Tsar'.
A young man has just ascended to the throne, he's making laws left right and centre, but why is everyone so drunk, and are all these floggings really in the spirit of Christmas?
Join us as we give our moral compasses a good Christmas centring. Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, if you're going to survive 2021, you need to hear this.
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War and Peace - Book 2 starts right here on Jan 7th 2021!Thank you for listening, sharing and contributing to the show this season - we've loved every minute of it, and we've loved hearing from everyone that's written and sent stuff in.
If you haven't said hello yet - it's not too late, we'd love to hear from you - send us an email or follow us on Instagram. Have a great break, and we'll see you next year!
///
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You've finished Book 1 of War and Peace! Cue rapturous applause. Congratulations! Congratulations! You are amazing! Now what on earth happened?
If you’ve been with us every step of the way on this monumental journey, or you’re simply a War and Peace hitchhiker wanting a quick refresh of Book 1 so you can launch yourself headfirst into Book 2, well grab a pen and some biscuits. It’s quiz time!
We’ve got questions about war, peace, kissing, Smurfs, bears, spiders and of course Uncles! How many points can you get? There’s only one way to find out...
Cue Game Show Music!
Be sure to join us next week for another special episode. We'll be back with Book 2 on the 7th of January.
Let us know how you do!
0-5 = A real madame de genlis
6-15 = Napoleon's Powder Monkey
16 - 29 = You are so diplomat!
30+ = Daniel Cooper himself
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Sensational global hit "The Smurf Song" by Father Abraham - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWbMikrZ91U
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Additional SFX in this episode from zapsplat.com
Peel back that pre-diced pineapple pot, fill your vape with turkish vape juice, and pop the McTurtle™ burgers in the microwave, because it's time to celebrate!
Join us this week as we reach an incredible milestone - the end of War and Peace, Book 1. It's an emotional moment for us, and an emotional final chapter - Andy Pandy is off to war, but how will he concentrate with his pregnant wife at home slowly shrinking?
The future is unclear, but one thing is certain: even if it takes 7 years, we're doing this together.
///
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It's dinner time at Nasty Nick's house and there's a politely sneezing architect at the main table... We know you'll find that hard to believe.
"A lowly architect eating his dinner at the MAIN TABLE, WHY WHY WHY?!"
We're just as repulsed and sickened as you are.
Tune in this week to find out who's the biggest powder monkey and what's so special about this awful architect.
///
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If you're familiar with British TV from the early 2000s, no doubt at this moment you have a shiver descending down your spine.
As adrenaline floods your body and a scream emerges from your mouth, you'll be remembering Nasty Nick - the Big Brother contestant who was so, so very nasty that they added the word 'Nasty' to his name to show how nasty he was.
"There's never been a nastier man" the world said - or has there?
Join us this week as we discover more about the OG 'Nasty Nick' - Prince Nicholas Andreyevich Bolkonski. He's got impeccable time keeping, rigorous standards and an extremely powdery wig. All undeniably flattering features, so what makes this man so very, very nasty?
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What's the best letter you've ever read? Well, multiply that by a relatively large number because this letter is a serious letter and boy does it pack one hell of a punch!
But wait! Before you can read that special letter you'll need to dust off your calculator and geometry textbook... it's time for a maths lesson, from the world's busiest man.
Don't be late.
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We've been in the bedroom, and boy what a bedroom that bedroom was.
Join us this week as we stand outside the bedroom once again, looking back at that closed door, remembering the endless columns and beguiling carpet.
But as the memory of that extraordinary room teases our senses, we remember something else. Something stranger. Something unsettling.
What exactly were Vassily and Katishe doing as they stumbled across that carpet to the Count's bed? Was there something in their hands as they flashed through the columns to the door? And when they returned - was that paper in their teeth?
A shiver runs down your spine, something strange is going on, something even stranger than the strange lady, and she really is quite strange.
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Remember that letter? Whomever possess it will be rewarded more serfs and rubbles than is even possible to calculate. Trust us, we tried and the numbers got so high we just sort of stopped.
Well, it's back and someone wants it. Surely no one would have the gaul to pull off the letter heist of the century during your first ever Unction?!
Dust off your Persian wall rugs, pour yourself a cup of steaming beef tea and get ready. It really is Unction time. We promise.
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Put on your finest Unction hat, Unction gloves and little Unction shoes and get ready to administer... Unction! It's time. Sit back and relax as the Uncle in the bedroom prepares himself for the best damn Unction-ing you've ever seen. If only we were allowed in...
Who gets the inheritance? What’s an Unction? Who’s taller (in hams of course), Tom Cruise or Danny DeVito? Find out the answer to ONE of these questions in this week's episode.
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There's an uncle in the bedroom, we all know that, but what the hell has he been doing in there?
What we do know: he's really, really rich and he's really, really ill - and as if that wasn't enough, he has at least one bedroom.
This week, we're not going in the bedroom (why would we!), but boy are we finding out more about the man with the bedroom, the things he has in his bedroom, and what he's been doing in his bedroom.
Don't miss this week's episode as the curious saga of the bedroom man continues.
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Put down your personal pineapple, pocket your pipe and rip your velcro trousers right off, because this week Daniel Cooper is in the room and he insists - WE. MUST. DANCE.
Join us as we spin, twist and thrust our way into War and Peace party legend - we've done the small talk, we've swapped the gossip, and now it's time to let our hips do the talking.
Listen this week as we witness the birth of disco, we're partying 70s style - 1870s that is.
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Between the endless servings of turtle burgers, whole pineapples and free refill wine you could be forgiven for thinking that everything in the world was amazing and perfect.
Perhaps after dinner we will dance? Perhaps tomorrow there will be another party? Perhaps it will be this way forever? Perhaps.
But behind the totally sweet riffs of the Gravy Boaters, a new tune is starting to play. Under the wicked great banjo solo is the clink of bayonets, through the vibrant buzz of the kazoo is the hiss of the cannon's fuse, and melding with the sick licks of the didgeridoo is the distant drone of death.
With every chunk you tear from your personal pineapple, the sound gets louder - dinner's nearly over, and war is for dessert.
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Legend tells of a powerful and mysterious woman, raised by wild pigs in the Siberian mountains, she has learnt that ice and fire are the inseparable sisters of survival.
The story foretells that she will appear only in the most unusual of circumstances - it must be a glorious name day, there must be an organised dining event the like of which Russia has never seen, and there must be the powerful stench of shame.
It is said she will come and feed on the shame, turning its cold ice into the warm glow of humiliation with just the flick of her forked tongue.
Join us this week, if you dare.
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This week we meet the sauciest man in War and Peace, and boy does he like sauce. We're talking béarnaise, we're talking béchamel, we're talking classic gravy - this man has tried them all and has found a place for most of them on his clothes.
Plus we're spending some quality time with WAP's two old and dearest friends. But will their insatiable lust for money bring these best buds closer together, or push them apart - like two halves of a wallet stuffed full of CASH?
Tune in this week to see how this tenuous simile plays out.
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If you thought you could kidnap a policeman, tie him to a stolen bear, then push them both in the canal and wonder off without any consequences, think again!
Join us this week as Pierre's dark, bear filled past rears its furry head to cause moderate to severe embarrassment. Can Pierre take the heat, or will his social standing be torn to shreds by the vicious claws of gossip?
Plus - CUE FUNKY CRIME MUSIC - we're casing the joint with two of War and Peace's wiliest slicksters - they're buttering up with one hand, and looking for Cecil's mountain of cash with the other. Will they pull off the con of the century or will they end up in the clink? CUE MONTAGE.
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There's an uncle in the bedroom
A bedroom made of gold
An uncle the most handsome
In all Russia, it's been told
"We'd like to see the uncle please
Before he goes and dies
We've heard he's freakin loaded
And we were passing by"
There's an uncle in the bedroom
In this week's episode
Listen now, and have no fear
The actual show's in prose
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This week the generations are at war.
On one side, the mysterious Vera. Handsome as they come, her mouth quite possibly brimming with spiders - and now, terrifying new rumours that she wields dark and unnatural powers.
On the other side, four hopeful children. Innocent as tiny little ducklings, their only weapons are the power of love and some really quite cutting insults they have just invented.
But will their incantations be enough to overpower the ice hearted Vera? Or will the good house Rostóv be consumed with pure spidery evil?
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The storm clouds are clearing and the romance rainbow is in the air - get your ❤️ emoji ready because this week WAP is crushin' hard.
We're playing hard to get, we're mixing our messages and we're literally playing hide and seek. Get ready to get smitten, because this week it's a heartstring symphony, and you're all invited.
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Sure it's great that all these old people are having a nice time, but what are the YOUNG people up to? And who the heck do they fancy? Tell me now!
This week we're slip n' sliding our way through the intricate social web of Moscow's youth scene to answer these critical questions. Join us as we jump on the seesaw of uncertainty, clamber high on the jungle gym of jealousy and go feet first down the slide of emotional instability.
The stakes are high and the eyes have never been deweyer, don't miss this week's episode.
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See Hugh's incredible drawing - wapin7.com/episode/12-cat-womans-heartbreak
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Join us this week as we meet one of the lesser-known characters of War and Peace - Mimi the Psychic Doll.
Is she the true power behind the Rostov's incredible wealth? Who is the small boy she controls and what does he want? And how will the family finally escape her supernatural grasp?
Plus it's cause for celebration as we enjoy our first ever name day, and we go deep inside the snuff tin to find out more about the mysterious nasal spice.
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We've met a fair few wealthy people, even some really quite rich people and now it's time to meet the most fabulously loaded family Russia has ever produced. We're talking the Ferrero Rocher of human beings - yeah, they're that rich.
They've got footmen coming out the wazoo, enough snuff to kill a massive elephant and the sharpest small talk in all of Moscow.
Move over Dale Carnegie, if you really want to know How to Win Friends and Influence People, listen to this episode.
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Sure, the party's over, but that doesn't mean there isn't time for ANOTHER PARTY. Put the vol-au-vents in the bin - it turns out getting absolutely wasted was the idea all along.
What you'll need: 1 litre of rum per person, carpentry tools, a friendly but irresponsible zoo keeper, and of course a couple of packs of cards. Oh, and don't forget your collar and chain.
The party rule book is quite literally out of the window. Trust us, you've never seen anything like this.
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It's an age old debate: will marriage make you happy and fulfilled, or will it suck the entire life force from you, turning you into an empty husk - a gibbering, nodding, simpleton, broken and corrupted by the ring on your finger and the ball and chain on your leg?
Tune in this week for some advice that really could change your life as Negative Nancy dives deep, deep, deep into the pit of despair that is marriage.
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War and Peace - a happy dream world of endless partying, thoroughly amusing small talk and exciting networking opportunities... or is it?
Join us this week as things get serious - we're going deep, deep behind the curtain and what we find there might shock you to your core.
Bring your best friend, pack your teddy bear and think happy thoughts - this is War and Peace, and the party is over.
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Hippolyte - boring, ugly and bad at telling stories, OR IS HE? Join us this week as the persistent young man takes another punt at impressing an audience.
PLUS we're talking hands - we meet the Arya Stark and Hound of the hand world, one with "small white hands" the other "huge red hands" - but how can they maintain a friendship with such different hands? Tune in to see if they can weather the storm.
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SPOILER ALERT - The party won't end.
Picture this: You're at a party with Russia's (nay the world's) greatest minds. You're ever so slightly overtired, incredibly ugly and everyone thinks you're worthless, but you have an incredible story in your back pocket - and it could change EVERYTHING...
Don't miss this week's episode.
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SPOILER ALERT - This party is nowhere near ending!
A party isn't just a time to let loose, it's an important time to network and extract favours from people. Well it is in 19th century Russia anyway...
The hottest woman in the world and her visually unfortunate brother are back and don't you dare forget about those elderly women!
If that wasn't enough, we've got NEW characters and boy do they want stuff!
You really don't want to miss this.
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SPOILER ALERT – Ain’t no one stopping this party!
We’ve got the elite, the powerful, an armoires worth of finger food and hordes of elderly women!
Tune in to see who steps up to tell one of the greatest anecdotes of all time…
You really don’t want to miss this.
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Pour a drink, pop on a high ruffle (higher… higher!) and get ready to party – 19th century Russian style!
Meet the ugliest man alive, the prettiest woman on the planet and join as we try to figure out what on earth is going on.
Who is Anna? Genuinely who is she?! I wish we knew.
Grab a mini-quiche and we’ll see you on the dance floor.
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You haven't got time to read Tolstoy's War and Peace, even if it is one of the greatest novels of all time. Don't read it alone! Don't read it at all! Join us as we figure out together what makes this book so darn good... even if it takes us 7 years.
It's Celebrity Love Island meets Saving Private Ryan and the contestants are Russia's aristocracy.
Who is Anna? Seriously who is she?! Get ready to meet character 1 of 500 (I know)... the cough is the least of her worries... or is it?!
Begin your WAP-venture (we're sure this will catch on) in this debut episode. Only 7 years to go! Just search for 'WAPIN7' in your podcast app.
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Turns out it's incredibly simple: we're two friends, we're reading War and Peace, it's a comedy book podcast. Join us on our incredible adventure through the greatest book of all time.
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