This coaching call is about old triggers in new situations. Today’s caller, Manpreet, is dating someone new and would like guidance on how to keep old triggers out of her new relationship. She has done healing work and is drawing what she wants into her life, but is frustrated when old patterns reemerge.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode423].
When women suffer abuse at the hands of, for this example, men, we can project on all men that they’re scary. Women can feel scared to trust men because one man or several men hurt them. So, we want to separate the behavior from the gender, from the person, from the way they look, and know that it was someone else’s behavior and not all men behave like that.
Because there has to be a disconnection, or disassociation from our sexuality in order for us to survive abuse, we often open up physically or emotionally to people before we are ready as a way to get power over the situation.
As adults, we have the gift of being able to ask ourselves what we couldn’t do or say when we were little that we can do or say now. We can speak up. We can get out of a situation, we can fight back. We can take our power back.
Also, when we share vulnerability too soon we may get hurt and it might not be received in the way that we want because there hasn’t been enough rapport, trust, or time there. So in new relationships, or friendships especially intimate relationships, a lot can be triggered. That’s why it is so helpful to have a professional or trusted friend to bounce things off of and get some perspective. Then we can come into new relationships with honesty and the knowing that vulnerability comes later. It gives a relationship more of a chance.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
- When something new comes into your life, do you sabotage it because old stuff comes up?
- Did you grow up not feeling safe, specifically if you are female do you not feel safe around men?
- Have you done the vulnerability vomit thing too early in a friendship or romantic relationship and it has backfired?
- Do you feel that you can truly ask for what you need and that you are lovable?
Manpreet’s Question:
Manpreet would like to be more in her goddess energy and learn to be more open to receiving more in relationships.
Manpreet’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- Men often show physical interest in her immediately.
- She has drawn in someone who treats her with respect.
- She overshares her insecurities with new people quickly.
- The man she is interested in says he will walk away if she continues to worry about where the relationship is headed.
- She panics in fear when thinking about whether he will accept her.
- She finds it easier to use physical manipulation to get what she wants.
- She attended the Be the Queen program.
- She feels that masculine, or men have the power and she has no control over situations.
- She was abused by male family members.
- She projects her abusive uncle’s behavior onto other men.
- She can speak up for what she wants now.
- Deep down her fear is about whether she is lovable.
- She is scared because someone wants to see her for who she really is.
- She wonders if she is good enough.
- The healing work she is doing is drawing in things she wants for herself.
- She wants to have conversations from an empowered place, not a wounded place.
- She knows her worth isn’t tied to anyone but herself.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- Bring herself into the present moment to separate behaviors from gender.
- Ask herself what she couldn’t say, be, or do when she was a little girl that she can be, say, or do now.
- Talk with her coach about her feelings and how to process them.
- Send voicemails or texts to herself, or a trusted friend first to get some perspective.
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Resources:
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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
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