The biggest thing that holds us back from our dreams and goals isn't money, or time - its fear. Stop playing it safe, lets build that life you've been dreaming of.

Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all – Helen Keller

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far it is possible to go.” — T.S. Eliot

“I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” — Pablo Picasso

“I can accept failure. Everybody fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying. Fear is an illusion.” — Michael Jordan

Today I want to talk about risks, rewards and fear – and I’m hoping that by the end of this your biggest fear will be not trying.

7 years ago I had a wee little photography business, I was a single Mom to a wee little baby, and had a wee little $1.68 left in my bank account. I also needed a root canal, and had given myself an ulcer trying to manage the pain because I legitimately couldn’t afford to have it fixed. I had no idea when the next booking was going to come in, or if it would be enough to pay my rent for the month.

Prior to having a baby I had been working a ton and was managing. The year that I was pregnant was my biggest year for income up to that point. I think I hit the $50k mark for the first time that year. It was a struggle being pregnant and working as much as I did, but I knew I was on my own, there was no one else to support us, and fear can be a great motivator so I got determined and was hustling all hours of the day and night.

Having a baby made it impossible to continue though – and there was no other way I could seem to find get money coming in. Even though we Canadian’s have an amazing 12 – 18 months of paid maternity leave, that doesn’t actually apply to the self-employed, so there was no maternity leave and I was back to work within a few months. I was breastfeeding, he wouldn’t take a bottle and I couldn’t leave him for too long. Even if I could have afforded full time daycare, it wasn’t an option because no one could get the child to eat. So, I would have a baby sitter come hang out with him upstairs, while I worked with clients and then I would sprint up the stairs as soon as I was done to go feed my little man. Side note – my studio and my apartment were the same place. It’s a one bedroom and the baby and I lived in the bedroom, while the living area and kitchen were converted into a studio. I STILL use that space today, except the bedroom now houses my props – so I don’t want to hear excuses about not having a fancy studio, store front, etc. holding you back!

He didn’t nap, he didn’t hang out in bouncer chairs or swings batting at toys like other babies, he was a very unhappy little guy that had to be rocked and walked constantly. Working while he was awake wasn’t really an option. Working while he was sleeping was also tough because for the first 14 months he never slept more than 45 minutes at a time – which not only mean that I would be stopping every 45 minutes, but also, I’m sure you can imagine just how bone tired I was.

I was SO tired, so tired, that one time when he was an infant we were sitting in a doctor’s office and this sweet elderly lady beside me asked what his name was. I just looked at her blinking and said “I did name him… I swear… I just… I don’t remember what” and then we laughed about the exhaustion of Motherhood, and decided we would both find out when the doctor called us for our appointment. Except that when they called his name they used his first and last name, but my son doesn’t actually go by his first name, so I still just sat there staring blankly thinking, huh, what a coincidence that was my Dad’s name, until the receptionist came over and said “isn’t that you?” So yeah, I was THAT tired. Like whoa… Not the best for productivity.

I will say I am blessed in that I have a family who would help me. The basement apartment that I was living in belonged to my Mother and while I did need to pay rent and would have been mortified and devastated if I failed to do so, I also don’t think she would have kicked her daughter and grandson out onto the streets. I don’t think she would have let us starve either, but the expectation was most definitely that I would take care of and provide for this baby myself, and I was to figure it out.

Eventually, I decided I needed to apply for financial assistance. I went down to the social services office to apply for social assistance, in hopes that it would get us through until I could start working more again. At that point he was 7 or 8 months, and I figured once he was over a year and eating solid food then I would be able to leave him for longer period or put him in daycare. I also knew that here in Canada, there is subsidy for daycare. For those who can’t afford it, the government will cover some or all of the costs. Awesome service, but the wait list is about 3 years – here’s the loop hole – if you are on social assistance you can actually bypass the wait list and get subsidized daycare right away. It all sounded great – I only needed a little bit of help, for just a few months until I could get us back on our feet.

I knew that my business was viable because it had done well enough the year before – certainly well enough to support myself and 1 baby in a basement apartment with cheap rent!

I met with the social workers, explained my situation and then to my disbelief and horror I was denied. I was told that the only way they would approve me and give me assistance was if I closed my business. Then, they suggested I could stay on social assistance for the next 3 – 4 years, until my baby was in school and at that point they would help me look for an entry level position. WHAT THE WHAT?!

I wanted help for a couple of months, just a little bit of help, I didn’t even need as much as was being offered and they said “no, we can’t help you just a little bit, you have to quit your job, close the business and become completely reliant on us”

I was so angry. I was so, so very angry. The last thing I wanted was to become a long term drain on the system. I have zero issue with social assistance and would encourage anyone who NEEDS it to use it for as long as they need. I also have zero intention of sitting around on social assistance, with just enough money to scrape by while living in my Mother’s basement or a little rented condo until my kid went to kindergarten and then start climbing a corporate ladder from an entry level position at the age of 30.

I had bigger dreams than that. I had bigger goals of owning a home with a back yard that my son could play with. Giving him his own room so that he could have play dates with friends. Showing him what could be accomplished with determination, resilience and perseverance.

I remember how desperate I felt. I appealed the situation. I told them that I only needed a little bit of help and didn’t want to give up on my dreams but also needed to make sure my son and I were cared for. I was directed to a cold sounding woman who had clearly been yelled at to many times that day and in my desperation I broke down and started to cry. I never cry in front of people. I hate crying in general, but I REALLY hate crying in front of people. I broke down to this stranger and said I just didn’t know what to do, how do I possibly choose between my dreams and what I know in my heart and what is clearly the safest option for this beautiful baby I brought into the world. “I can’t tell you what to do” she said, “but I will say that from where I’m standing it’s pretty darn clear and its time to grow up”.

I felt shattered. This was not the first time someone had treated my career choice as a silly hobby. This was not the first time I was told that while it might make me happy I better get used to the idea of living in a cardboard box. This was not the first time that I needed to weight the risk, and the fear with the potential reward.

Guys. I could have listened to her. I could have closed up shop, and right now I would probably be back working in a restaurant on evenings and weekends and never seeing my kids, because that was the only other things I knew how to do at the time – or at least that’s how I felt.

Instead I decided that I would find a way. That I would set an example of determination and resourcefulness for my boy and I would show him that his Mom can move mountains. And I get emotional thinking about it, because that single Mom life is HARD. There is so much guilt and pain, its not just the sleepless nights, balancing working, chores and kids that people see on the outside. It Is the loneliness, the fear or not being enough, the doubt. So to any of you out there raising babies on your own please know that I see you, that I walked in those shoes and that I know.. I know.

But what is the point of this story, why did I go down this rabbit hole into my past today? Because.. There is NO REWARD WITHOUT RISK. You will never know until you try. You cannot comprehend what is possible unless you are willing to push through the fear.

7 years later I have a 6 figure business AND I get to pick my kids up from school every day. It IS possible to have both if you want it bad enough, if you are willing to kick fear in the teeth, push through the doubt and hustle harder than you think you can handle.

I am not saying to throw all caution to the wind, and just do whatever you feel like. You need to have either a rock solid plan or a safety net in place – but you can’t let fear and risk get in the way of creating that plan.

You really will never know what was possible if you don’t try. You will never know how big your dreams actually are unless you let yourself dream without judgement. You need to quiet the external forces, quiet your own fear and doubt and then listen to what your heart and soul are telling you.

Maybe you can’t quit your 9-5 today, or leave your crappy relationship, or start a new project – but you sure as hell can start planning for it. You can start figuring out what step comes next. Do you need to start a savings account to build your own safety net? Do you need to get a part time job to make that happen? Do you need to start working from 8 – 11 when the kids are in bed so you can get your side hustle going, or growing?

I was terrified when I left my abusive ex. Terrified. I stayed for 3 weeks after I had already decided to leave. I stayed for 3 weeks because I needed to figure out HOW to leave. I had to come up with a plan and then put it into action. In that particular case the risk felt way to high and the fear was way to strong, and so I had to reach out to my sister who helped me not only come up with the plan, but execute it. And even with her there with me, I was still terrified, silently packing things and praying that he didn’t wake up and come upstairs to stop us or worse. I was terrified, but it was WORTH IT.

There is always going to be a way as long as you are willing to take risks, and the risks will almost always pay off. Do not fear mistakes. There are none.” — Miles Davis Do you know why this is true? Because even if it didn’t go as we planned, it will still push us further along in our journey, we will still learn something that can be applied to take us further on our next attempt. As long as you are willing to look at it as a tool for growth and education, instead of defeat, you will keep progressing.

“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” — Mark Twain – another great one, because when we refuse to move life will often force us. You want to be a frog sitting in a pot? Fine, but eventually you are going to start to boil because you were too afraid to move. Don’t wait for the boiling point – start moving towards your dreams NOW, start working on your plan TODAY.

Want support? Join the Updraft Insiders group and post it there, if you a photographer go to the Beyond the Photos group and share it. Terrified to say it out loud? Send me DM on Instagram. You can find me at annya.miller and I promise, I will listen to your dreams with zero judgement and I will have your back. If there’s something I can help you with I will, if I know someone else who can help you I will connect you. If you don’t have someone in your corner rooting for you I will be that person. Not having the support in your life doesn’t have to be a thing anymore. I am offering to have your back, and I mean it with every ounce of my being. I see too many people who are stuck, I have been stuck too many times, I want to all of us build the lives of our dreams. Let’s do this!

Thank you so much for listening today. I hope you are fired up and ready to tackle your goals. Before I go, I have a favor to ask. Could you please hit subscribe and then leave a review for the Updraft Podcast? These reviews make a difference in my day, they keep ME fired up and motivated to keep going – and at this time of year when its dark and gloomy I could use all the motivation I can get.

Love you all, and I will see you next week.

Connect with Annya

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