Commute Diary: Recent Episodes
Kevin Smith
Just me riffing about my day, the news, my family and things that interest me. Keywords: Melody Beattie, addiction, codependency, relationships, electrician, family
After a long hiatus from recording, I had a journal entry I felt compelled to share. Why? I don’t even know.
Talking about painful topics,learning how to be a friend when you’ve been the worst possible friend, and finding her own empathy in the midst of pain. Hope tastes like Oreos.
Where do you balance what you have done to hurt your partner vs. the wounds she brought in. Does it matter? Or is our duty to love someone unconditionally as a hypothetical god would do?
Stories we tell ourselves, and what individual therapists can learn from couples counselors.
Are you a leader or follower? Most of us are a little of both.
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A peaceful morning reflecting on peace, meta, I know.
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When are you most spontaneous? I discuss vacation planning, date nights, and when it listen back I start to think: “am I really a control freak?”
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My first journal entry was pretty raw and unfiltered and I apologize for the disturbing images it might evoke. Further entries will be tamer. Maybe.
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Cathy’s IOP is “meh”, business is booming, marriage is healing, still need to start a proper podcast.
Cath and I’ll have been dealing with the pain and trauma of my years of betrayal and dishonesty. We love each other and want to make it work, so are working on ourselves and our marriage. Today she goes for a medication management appointment to see if there is a better antidepressant for her needs.
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Acknowledge and share your darkness. It gives others the permission to do the same and it’s freeing. Also, scavenger hunt!
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Thinking about going away from the belly-button gazing to do a podcast with more interesting content.
Final thoughts on nurturing. It shouldn’t be scary. Be kind to yourself. Also, I think I’m on the spectrum. And I feel ok about it.
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Gratitude focus on people who have shown us kindness. My wife is an inspiration. She has suffered so much from my choices and yet still finds joy in her work with animals, and is determined to make our lives together work. She is my best friend, and I am hers. Merry Christmas!
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Nice romantic date. Nice to be relearning each other after 31 years. Great conversation, mediocre food, 5 stars.
To the sex and love addict, a nurturing façade can be a weapon to manipulate others. Part of the “nice guy” syndrome that says if we get along and don’t cause waves, we’ll get our needs met. Instead, let’s focus on honesty with others, and practice sincere nurturing with those we love and truly need our connection. Also, Kevin is re-learning math. He chats aimlessly about electromagnetic field problems and calculus 3.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Thoughts on attachment style (opposites tragically attract), being raised by a narcissist father and having limited opportunity to build a relationship with mom. Nurturing - not my strong suit, but willing to learn.
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Nurturing can be genuine or strained and false. What is the line? More questions than answers, as usual.
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Just thinking about by therapist and my dad. I need to keep a promise I made to have a final check-in with my therapist before going off with no more regular visits. And considering talking to my estranged father before his dementia gets any worse.
My weird life. We are headed down to the Austin area to rehome a yearling buck whitetail deer that has been living with us, and have Thanksgiving with all the kids, gathering at the home of our oldest. After TG, I’ll head home alone to hold down the fort for two weeks while Cathy stays to help with the baby.
Today the boss asked me (again) to consider buying the business. Very interested, but I’d have to cobble together a down payment. And convince my wife.
More along the lines of “Why do you love me?” Comparing being “in love” as a young emotionally stunted child with truly surrendering and loving another individual unconditionally.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Starting a week-long series of meditations on nurturing. Caring for others and yourself. A story about a time I was less than nurturing. And a joy-filled night and morning.
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In sum, take better care of yourself, and enjoy it! There is no fun in living to work, being at the mercy of others in your life, and generally just letting yourself be pushed through life. That’s a recipe for disaster. The alternative is to pick out areas where you are not taking care of basic needs and start improving them!
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Self care includes making and maintaining friendships. This is friggin’ hard, especially in adulthood. One way to put your toe in the water is to schedule some one-on-one time with someone you (think you) know well, like an adult child, or a sibling, and then gradually introduce someone else into the mix so you have comfort and familiarity on one hand and new opportunities for friendship on the other.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Today felt very special. Cathy and I have been through a lot and it seems like we are falling in love all over again. We got up early to do some bookkeeping talk. She wants to learn to get a better handle on her business numbers so she can get this thing profitable before the PPP loan money runs out. Working together was an informal therapy session for both of us.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
How do you come back from betrayal? How do you help the betrayed when you have lost so much trust? Love is patient.
More on self care and the continuation of my urological situation. And a listener contacted me - thanks for the kind feedback!
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Thoughts on self care and the tendency toward workaholism. Working for unhealthy need for approval. In my new career, same opportunity and temptation exists, need to stay grounded.
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Self care includes your health, your more of transportation, living with your values of honesty and kindness, and more. Prostate exam went fine, by the way.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
This week our value is self care. Taking care of your money, health, time, relationships, boundaries, etc. Join me as I get sidetracked on urology and asserting yourself and why codependent people are sometimes described as “wantless and needless”.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Closest I’ve come to prayer. My wife is having a breast mass examined by ultrasound and it’s all I. An think about this morning.
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Thank God, we’re almost done with the prayer chapter.
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Today I ramble about the different types of LED tubes available for fluorescent fixtures and rewiring requirements of each. Plus a little about color temperature of lighting choices for your home.
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A recovery prayer with some good stuff in it. Letting go of the self is the hardest thing for a narcissist, but I think a true narcissist wouldn’t even hold that up as a goal. So that gives me hope.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
More on prayer, and why I find it hard to get motivated to talk about prayer. Arrival of our grandson, helping with Halloween on the farm, and rejoicing in recovery and rebuilding (building?) the relationship with my wife.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Prayer as self care, and why do we always put ourselves last?
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Let’s talk a little about prayer for non-believers.
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Prayer for atheists. Drive-in movie and playing with an FM transmitter.
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Last meditation on gratitude. Several diary entries over a couple days around family, home brewing, and the family farm.
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This week on gratitude has me thinking about “wanting what you have” rather than “having what you want”. Also, on being trustworthy and earning back lost trust.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Want to practice expressing gratitude? Just go nuts. Thank everybody and everything you interact with whether it’s a blessing or an inconvenience. Packing for a vacation is both a blessing and a curse.
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Practice gratitude, very intentionally. Look at the things in your life that are t ideal, and be grateful anyway. Out loud. Beers are ready for the limbo competition. A session IPA and an Irish stout.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
More on gratitude and how it applies when life isn’t what you want it to be. Also, getting ready for a vacation. Horse camping in Texas.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Gratitude is not a response to having the live that you want, it’s a practiced state of mind. Whether you believe in god or not, a thankful attitude is a key to happiness. I’m thankful for my privileges that allowed me to go to college, practice a career in air-conditioned comfort, as well as the terrible choices I made with my freedom that almost cost me my marriage. I’m thankful for the life we built in spite of my shortcomings and the lessons I’ve learned about love, communication, and vulnerability learned the hard way. I’m thankful for my beautiful wife and for the darkness that almost made me lose her. For the rain and the shelter. For the successes and the day’s when I fall short. I’m always thankful to be alive and when I’m on the way out, I hope that someone will be thankful to have known me. And I’ll be thankful for that knowledge.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Gratitude, how cliché. But real, too. It’s easy (well, not always) to count your blessings and practice gratitude for the good things in your life, but what about the crappy stuff? Maybe they have brought lessons and positive changes that you have to look for.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Pain can guide you to change. Of course, it can also be pointless and random.
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A “no recipe” recipe for fried catfish. Crispy outside, flaky inside, perfectly seasoned. The secret is the oil temperature.
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Be thankful for the little “pushes” life gives us to encourage change.
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On patience, procrastination, and living “as if”.
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Encouraging my son to get into talk therapy. Turning a corner on having a friend and being a friend. Being intentionally vulnerable is hard.
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Change is awkward. As I came out as an addict, I had lots of changes to make and lost time to make up with my family. I’m about to dive into my relationship with my son who seems to be having struggles similar to mine. He thinks he’s polyamorous. I think he’s addicted to the rush of seeking sex partners. I want to help him by listening, offering my truth, and answering his questions, but not by telling him that he’s wrong, or telling him what to do. I read once that you can’t lead people unless you’ve been where they are and come farther. I hope I’m looking at the situation correctly, because it seems apropos.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
My recipe for roasted tomato spaghetti sauce. Great way to show off that new convection oven and use up that abundance of cherry tomatoes you can’t give away fast enough.
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If the same actions are not getting the desired result, change what you’re doing. But how do you know what to change? No answers in this episode, just questions.
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Changing our codependent habits is hard, but rewarding when tried.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Brewed a dry stout (BJCP 15a) on Saturday and got some feedback from fellow brewers on my hazy IPA (maybe not hazy enough). Discussed patience in brewing and upcoming competition.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Please give me the courage to look at my weak spots and the stamina to keep looking to find my bright ones.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Short reading. I’ve always thought this to be true: what qualities you complain about in other people are often those that you see in yourself.
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I discuss frustration with my codependent tendencies.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
If we don’t take our own inventory, someone else will take it for us. Ouch! And a morning meditation.
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Got a vacation coming, brewday tomorrow, and business planning with my wife and partner.
Reflect every day on what you might have done differently. And I come clean about being socially awkward and my fears of keeping relationships current.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
The hardest part about looking at ourselves is that we risk seeing something that needs to change.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
On taking ownership of your own stuff instead of blaming others for ruining your day.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
This week we are discussing taking an honest inventory of ourselves. Unpleasant, painful, rewarding.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
It has been fun making this little recording, and while I didn’t expect anyone to hear it but my wife, it has been gratifying to see that I have a handful of listeners already. Non sure what y’all are getting out of my ramblings, but hey, cool! At this 4-week point I’m reminded of an idea I read in Richard Rohr’s “Falling Upward” that it sometimes takes a crisis in one’s life to reassess one’s values and integrity. I agree. I’m not encouraging anyone to force a rock-bottom moment, but acknowledging that maybe that’s what led you here. In any case, welcome.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Just a short reading. It’s Sunday. No therapy today.
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Just a short reading. It’s Saturday. No therapy today.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
On challenging yourself. Plus, Kevin rambles about his upcoming day, week, and vacation.
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On choosing your challenges wisely. Look carefully at what you’re choosing to overcome. Are you working at something that is important to you? Or just spinning your wheels?
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Conducting business with integrity. Admitting your mistakes, taking pride in your work, and delivering what you promised.
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Just today’s reading - no commentary. Fill in with your own!
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Today’s reading is on Challenges, great and small. From overcoming codependent behavior to recording a podcast while reading an ebook while driving in heavy rain.
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I discuss my failure of a brew day in which I made a “beach ball bomb” Kölsch and a “bitter bomb” Dortmunder extract back-to-back, and how I intend to avoid that in future batches.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Practice a value today. I’m practicing kindness and compassion today, as I have to help Cathy bury her best friend of the last 10 years. Her border collie, Jazz has to be put to sleep today after discovering that he had fast-spreading tumors in his chest and likely brain.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Gratitude for the process.
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Not proud of it, but this shit is honest yo. Time to reconcile values and actions!
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Yes, that title comes from a David Wilcox song. I’m just wondering how individual listens jumped from 80 to over 140 almost overnight. If you heard this and it resonated, it would be gratifying to hear from you. Drop me a “hello” at kebmsmith@gmail.com.
When your faith is challenged.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Quick reading. Don’t be lazy when it comes to applying values in every day life.
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Today’s deceptively short reading is about practicing your values every day. It’s framed as a shotgun approach to applying your values in difficult situations and it leads me to think about what values one has to choose from, and what happens when they conflict.
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The “I’m not racist - I have black customers” defense.
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This week - Practice. Repairing a tractor, first recipe in a new convection oven, side work staying steady.
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Short reading. Take responsibility for only your own attitudes and actions.
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Let’s extend it a little further. Not just noting opportunities to practice integrity, but actually being grateful for them. Essentially, this means thanking the universe for crummy circumstances. Because when else are you growing or learning?
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
On looking for opportunities to learn from crummy situations. Going back to week 1, trust the process. I discuss a work-related difficulty that got easier as I stick with it, and ultimately let me succeed and work with integrity.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Just the reading today.
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Just a reading today.
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On integrity, what it means and how it is a distinct concept from honesty. Examples of practicing integrity in work and personal spheres.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Not feeling too chatty today. Had a great Father’s Day sushi feast, thought about some home remodeling and getting a new tractor.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Summing up this week with a prayer to have the ability to recognize the lessons in the messiness of life.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Living by your values is the solution to most problems. Have gratitude for the process and the lessons you are learning, even if you don’t know what they are yet. My value of honesty is being applied this week and I discuss it briefly.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Today’s reading is about getting into the habit of looking for the lesson in our current struggle. Actively asking “What can I learn from this?” I’m listening to Gimlet’s “Scaredy Cats” podcast, and we had a horse die last night.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Short reading about tying to find the possibility of lessons or positive outcomes in times of trouble. Also, a story about how honesty let you a better relationship with another person and made a potentially expensive mistake a little less painful.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
A short reading about living by your values, and the challenge to remember that no matter the positive changes they bring, the real joy comes from the value itself, not the changes.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Cathy and I left it a little ugly and unsettled this morning. Can getting together for dinner patch things up? Is this a “me problem”, a “her problem” or an “us problem”? I feel like I didn’t do this session justice, so it probably needs a post post mortem.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Trusting the journey. Today’s short meditation is about trusting the journey the universe has in store for you. When you look back and see all you’ve overcome, it should remind you that whatever is your current challenge, you can overcome it too.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
This morning my wife and I argued about my work habits and how we manage the time we have together. It was about the deeper rift in our marriage and how my behavior has affected her in the past compared to the present.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Atheist pilgrimages are just as meaningful and important to the pilgrim as those of believers to their holy land. In this ramble, I talk about my pilgrimage to Mt Katahdin and to an honest and vulnerable life.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
Today I’m reading from Melody Beattie’s book without much commentary. As I delve into each week, I’ll probably start sharing how this book and associates practice is affecting my life and relationships. Meanwhile, enjoy the audio and let me know if you have gained anything from it! Thanks for your feedback.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app
In my very first experimental episode, which I probably shouldn’t have even published, I ramble about dinner last night, being honest with your spouse, feelings about George Floyd’s murder, and my job as an electrical technician. It’s super-rough, noisy, basically impossible to listen to, but I wanted to save it for posterity. I probably won’t record future episodes in a moving car unless Anchor adds noise-reduction filters.
This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app