Richard Martin called me on his way to the office. He said that they had talked a lot and that he had fallen asleep while she was still talking. I envisioned the meat knife in the food prep room; the one that can cut through a chunk of beef with just one effortless stroke. I felt the knife sink deep into my heart. It’s strange that such a physical pain in the organ of the heart can be felt when the thought process is in the brain. Why didn’t it feel like the blade was crashing through my brain?

I knew this was going to hurt, but I wasn’t prepared for the intensity. I was choking on the “blood” gushing from my severed heart and into my lungs. I couldn’t speak. When I finally did, I had to change the subject. I didn’t want to cry and give away to him how much this hurt. He is too kind to inflict such injury and I fear he would forego doing the things he needs to do, or worse yet lie to me about it. I hope that I can cope better with this as time goes on. Today was going to be an test of that endurance because he had told me weeks ago that another woman, he used to work with, had asked him to go to the Janet Jackson concert with him tonight, and then Patty was acting out her fatal attraction for him and wanted his attention tonight as well.

Around mid day he told me that he’d like to have an early dinner with me and then he would go with Patty and Tom Butler to the game and then he’d go to the concert. I met him for dinner at 5:45 and we ate at the Brown Dog. They were fully reserved so we ate before anyone was due to arrive and the Mahi Mahi was just wonderful. Afterwards we returned to his office and were reading over Trust documents and Insurance policies and trusts. I had been there for a couple hours and asked when I should be out of there so that I didn’t upset Patty and Richard said he had canceled everything. I felt touched and yet guilty. Had I let him know somehow how I felt? Had he denied himself for my sake? How am I ever going to be able to convince him that I am okay with his dating? It’s hard to sell something you don’t believe in.

Later on he introduced me to his long time friend, Tom Butler. We met at Hooters and they ate chicken wings and watched the ball game. Tom brought me up to speed on Richard’s past life. The only woman who Richard had ever said had broken his heart was Mary. Mary’s best friend was Becky, who was Tom’s great love as well. Tom talked at length about all the good times the four of them had together and what wonderful women they were. This was more than 10 years ago, but the affection was still very strong.

When we left there Richard and I went to Storman’s to watch the people. We sat outside and sharing our observations about the people who were coming and going at midnight. I am so grateful that I don’t have to go through the silly pretenses that the general public does in search of love. Are any of these people happy? All the pretty girls, showing off their best features, hoping to lure “Mr. Right” and all the males sniffing around for a bitch in heat. There’s not much in store for either party.

This was a great opportunity to get to know Richard better. His casual observations about people and events tell me a lot about his thought process. Even though we were sitting there taking inventory of all of the mini skirts, skin tight dresses and miracle bras, there was nothing lewd in his manner. Rather than seeing this as a sensual fashion show, he seemed to approach it more like I do. I see the outward presentation as a reflection of the person and I try to discover the whys that brought them to this place and time. That’s not to say you can judge a book by its cover, but I think there are valid clues there.

We witnessed the tail end of a bar room brawl that ended up in the parking lot and had an interesting "argument” over how it should have been handled. In typical fashion, I waited for him to give me a clue of what his stance would be and then I launched into the opposing point of view. We debated this pretty adamantly before I felt like I had pushed him far enough and conceded.

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only.