Yesterday Jamie came into my room crying that Jim Moore was being hateful to her. Because of Daniel Capiro she and Jim Moore have been at each other’s throats since last year. I am usually there at feeding time to referee, but since I have been spending my evenings with Richard Martin, they have been going at each other pretty steadily.

Jamie said I never defend her and that she has to work so hard for me and these animals and then put up with being called names by volunteers and getting no respect from them. I cried with her. I do ask way too much of her. I wrote Jim Moore a letter telling him to knock it off or get out. I was depressed when I met with Richard Martin and as I came through his office door, he handed me two bouquets of soft peach coloured roses. One was for me and the other for Jamie. I almost cried.

In his helpful, if not overbearing way, he commenced to telling me everything I should say to her. He asked why I laughed and I explained; because that was exactly, almost verbatim, what I had said to her. It is so weird how we respond so similarly to situations. I had bought Air Purifiers for his office and the lake house and the condo, because the dust is so bad I can’t breathe in these places.

He kept saying he wanted to pay for them but I told him he could pay for the electricity to run them and I would pay for the units, since I was the only one benefitting from them. He got really adamant about paying for it so I told him he could donate the amount to the cats and he did on one unit.

We went to the California Club where he told the valet that he usually parked right by the door and was allowed to do so. He insists that he rarely comes here and that he pulls that sort of thing just to see if he can get away with it. The people there were older and just as “plastic” as the younger set we watched at Stormin’s. All these people looking for love in all the wrong places. He pointed out to me the sort of women he would be attracted to and it made me wonder what on earth he saw in me.

They were petite and conservative to the point of boring. Petite, I understand. Every man I have ever known wanted a woman he could carry under one arm. (It must go back to the cave man mentality.) Conservative is another issue altogether. He likes to be high profile, noticed and remembered. He said when he dies there will be a provision in his will that pays mourners to wail for his passing so that it will be the biggest funeral of all time. As someone who is often in the spotlight, I am thankful that when I am with him, it is on him. I can relax when I don’t feel like every word out of my mouth is subject to end up on the front page of the Metro section of the St. Pete Times.

Speaking of which, at the Brown Dog later that evening I ordered the lamb, which happened to be the same thing the man at the table next to me had ordered. Richard Martin, always quick to converse with people he doesn’t know, asked the man what fine dining experience he would compare the Brown Dog to. They went from there to a discussion about real estate developing and politics and they came to find out they knew each other by name although not by sight.

The guy’s name was George ? and he is the attorney for the St. Pete Times and a developer of commercial real estate in downtown St. Pete. He owns the building next to my Anderson House, the Kress building and apparently quite a few renovated old buildings. We went from there to have a drink at Bennigan’s. I had already had my one wine limit so Richard Martin ordered a double Gin and Tonic.

We finished the discussion on swinging that we had started last week and I believe he understands how I feel about it. He said that, of course, he would not offer me a smoke or a drink or anything else that would cause me to fall. He said that he was only making an observation about the gay woman from the Farm Store and that in no way did he mean it as a suggestion that I should do anything. I am glad that we can talk things out like this.

He asked me if Don were to show back up tomorrow, would I go back to him as his wife. I hadn’t thought too much about “what if….” and found myself talking about it and thinking it through out loud. He seemed agitated that I couldn’t give him a quick and definite answer but he conceded that I should think it through before answering. He asked if given what I know about Don now to be true, if I still love him, and I couldn’t answer that very well either.

After much thought and discussion I answered him truthfully and with conviction that I would take care of Don financially, but that given his indiscretions, I was under no obligation to give him my love, nor myself in marriage. As to if I love him; I loved him, and for that reason alone would I continue to provide for him, but no more would I sacrifice myself. He asked for all of these answers based upon my life not including Richard Martin and these were the answers I would give whether Richard Martin were in my life or not.

I know that it is because of knowing Richard Martin though, that I could come to these conclusions, because before him I did not believe that a good man was something that actually existed. I might have settled for being married to Don because I would not have looked outside of our relationship for anyone who would love me without hurting me.

Today Richard Martin is going with Zena Lansky to the Rolls Royce Club which is meeting at the Aquarium. She asked him to drive because she is afraid of scratching the Rolls. She won’t even visit him at the lake house because of the dust and everything he tells me about her is negative. She is Jewish, head strong, self righteous, prissy and volatile. Then he tells me that she has planned the month of October for the two of them and that every time they go out, all he can think about is when he’ll be able to call me. This sounds an awful lot like Don’s excuses with Pam Enriquez.

For four years Don kept telling me that he really didn’t love her, that their relationship was soon to end, but it dragged on for four years because Don said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Hindsight being 20/20 I guess that goes to show that he cared more about not hurting her, than hurting me.

I have encouraged Richard Martin to see this thing through because when I do ask him for a commitment, I don’t want him to have any regrets. I wondered last night if I was being honest with myself. Richard Martin observed that I have been masochistic in my relationships and have always sacrificed self for the other party’s desires. He said it is human nature to take advantage of any given situation and that he doesn’t want to take advantage of me just because I will let him. Am I encouraging him to continue to hurt me because this continues my pattern, or do I really believe it is the best thing for us in the long run?

What is the alternative? I cannot seek other partners because of my beliefs. If I demand his exclusive attention then won’t I be asking too much, too soon?

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only.