Return from Cancun

I awoke to his soft embrace, cuddling me from behind. I could feel him so hard and yet so tender. I love waking up next to him! I want to wake up next to him every morning of my life!

It was 5:00 am but we were so rested that we were wide awake. His love making is so passionate and yet so gentle. I’ve never experienced anything so wonderful as sex with Alan Schreier. He is so giving, so thoughtful and so concerned that I enjoy myself. No one has ever cared if I were enjoying myself. No one ever took the time to see that I was pleased before ensuring their own pleasure. I have come to learn how to satisfy myself quickly so that intercourse would be good for me as well, but with Alan Schreier I am reminded to take it slow and enjoy the ride.

I enjoy him so much, on so many levels. He’s my friend and confidant. He’s smart and persistent, making him an excellent business partner. He’s a loving and nurturing father to his son and is kind and caring toward Jamie and Daniel Capiro. I would love him immensely for any ONE of these qualities and am overjoyed to have all of them in this one gorgeous man.

We have now boarded American Flight #2190 for Miami and are sitting on the runway ready to depart Cancun. It has been a wonderful four days, but I am not sad to leave, as my adventure has only yet begun.

It was interesting to observe both of us under stress. The Cancun Airport was hot and packed. The attendants were slow and generally inefficient. We stood in line for an hour under circumstances that would otherwise have driven me screaming outside to “breathe”. Alan Schreier is always fidgeting, so although he didn’t complain, I sensed it was difficult for him to wait and I know the heat bothers him. Despite this I felt safe with him and remained calm. He maintained a smile and didn’t complain or give any sense of feeling agitated. The more I see of his exquisite nature, the more I love him.

I love how patient and considerate he is. I never have to worry about him taking advantage of any one. He doesn’t cut in line, steal or do any of the things my other mates have done to mortify me.

During our trip, while sitting on the rocks and watching the tide come in, I tried to learn more about him. Wanting to know more how to please him I asked what he loved most about Carol and Sheila. He said, without hesitation that he loved Carol’s great beauty. He said that she had been somewhat nurturing. He said he loved Sheila’s spirit and tenacity. Later he told me she was a great cook and I know they have been great friends. He went a step further and said he loves my soul and that I shouldn’t change a thing. I still want to be more beautiful (thinner) for him. He said he thought I was beautiful for the first time on this trip, but it was a reflex response to my telling him how handsome he is. (My constant babbling about it must have made him uncomfortable.) I have found that sort of weird. It is usually what I hear most from men, but not from Alan Schreier, which leads me to wonder if by comparison he just never really thought of me that way, or if perhaps he sees me for who and what I really am?

I have no doubt that the vast majority of people see the image I project and not what I truly am. I am beautiful on the inside, but my exterior needs a lot of shaping up. Could Alan Schreier be so perceptive as to see through the mirage? He has always been attracted to beautiful women and I feel he has had to compromise to accept me in my current shape.

Fear. Hard to believe someone who is the poster child for strength and resilience could be so riddled with fear. He speaks of his friend’s relationships and says of the ones that didn’t work out that the woman was manipulative or that she wasn’t a challenge. I am manipulative in virtually every sense of the word, but justify it to myself by believing the people being orchestrated aren’t aware of it and that it’s for the greater good. Not my own gain. Is that true, or is it a lie I tell myself?

Have I, or would I manipulate Alan Schreier? I have made a lot advances toward him and pushed our relationship forward at full tilt because I believed Alan Schreier would be hesitant to suggest living together or marriage because he wants me to know that he loves me for who I am and not for what I have. In conversations around us we hear others talking of prenuptial agreements and we both fall silent, not knowing what to say.

I thought that by suggesting the awkward myself I would relieve him of any fear of rejection. Were my motives really so pure, or was I anxious to “close the deal”? When recapturing an escaped cat, you only get one chance to take it by surprise. After that, if you fail, the cat will remain wary and impossible to catch. Could I be insuring that I “net” him on the first try? I wonder about it a lot.

At any rate, I then fall into Alan Schreier’s second category of reasons relationships don’t work out. I am NO challenge. Not anymore. At first it may have seemed (and it was) quite a feat to capture the attention of the untouchable Carole Lewis. Once I succumbed to his charms I could not turn back. I could not escape and the tables were quickly turned. I am no longer a challenge. I’ve read all the books about all the silly mind games women are supposed to play to keep their man in pursuit; like sending themselves flowers or pretending to be attracted to other men, but I just hate games. I would not want to be tormented that way and can’t do that to Alan Schreier. God will show me what to do. He is a kind and loving God and would not give me this taste of paradise and then snatch it away. So much for fear.

We had a nice breakfast this morning at the Kukulkan mall. We talked about placement of furniture, cooking we can do, family outings and all of the nuances of family life. He said he wants to keep the lines of communication open and that we should express any discontentment we have and work toward its solutions before it becomes a problem. He says he has no complaints and keeps saying how strange it is that we haven’t had an argument. I keep telling him, I don’t argue, (in earnest, other than playfully battling wits) but I don’t think he believes me. Time will tell.

Todd will be living with us and both he and his father seem ambivalent about it. I can understand why, when I think about how nervous I would be in bringing Jamie into our home. Teenagers are unpredictable and explosive for about 8 years. No one could be as bad as I was so I don’t perceive any problem. Todd has strong Christian morals from what I’ve seen and that makes his teen years much less of the crisis than non believers experience. Alan Schreier strikes me as a perfectionist and it’s only normal that he would want this transition to be flawless.

I am enjoying every moment of every day. Love is such a miraculous thing! When we are together I want to soak him up like a cat soaking up the sun rays that flood through an open window. When we’re apart I’m reminded of how much I love and miss him. When I sleep it’s either cuddled up to him or dreaming sweet dreams about him.

We are descending into Miami now after 1 hour and 9 minutes in the air. The glades have been burning for weeks but the fires seem to be out now. I love to travel but I always return feeling that “there’s no place like home”.

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.