I prepared the following letter to break up with Alan Schreier. When I came home from church this night, he asked me to tell him what was bothering me. The night before he had asked if I would count him in on a deal that not only did he put no work into, but his interference had almost blown it for me. I told him most of the non religious reasons that appear in the following letter. Upon advice from my mother, I now made the focus of my leaving him the religious aspects, so that he could save face and not try to “do better”. I was much kinder in what I said, but all of these thoughts were expressed to some degree in the past two days.

Dear Alan Schreier

When we first met, I told you that I did not believe it was right to have sex outside of marriage, but I was so crazy about you that I compromised my belief and did what my body yearned to do with you. I have always felt the burden of my sins in this relationship with you, but would brush those thoughts aside in favour of recalling how much joy you brought to my life. I have been in constant turmoil since our first night together, but thought that perhaps, in time, we would marry and God would forgive me. I prayed about it all the time. Staying in this relationship was wrong, but I am weak and my heart overpowered my soul. I couldn’t leave you while I was so in love with you.

Our relationship ended the day you came in complaining that Vince and Sheila had told Todd that you never accomplished anything on your own, but rather had relied on handouts from me, to get where you are. I wanted to believe your anger was based upon the fact that they said that to your son, rather than to your face, so I asked, “Why do you think they said that?” While I am still sure that you were upset that Todd heard it, your tirade about the issue was focused entirely on how they did not recognize the fact that you achieved your success entirely on your own.

You have never acknowledged what I have done for you and the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I have invested in getting you out of debt and on your feet. You have never said that you appreciated that I put my own career on hold for nearly three years to get yours going. Even when I have felt most put out in listening to you brag to others about all that you have achieved, I didn’t attempt to set the record straight, because I was sure, that on some level, you knew. Your pride and your dignity have been more important to me than the need for me to remind you how you got to where you are. When you asked me, for the third time tonight to give you a handout, I couldn’t make excuses for you any more. My voice sounded distant, angry and shaking as I recounted just a few of the more costly sacrifices I have made for you. I stopped short of mentioning most of the accounts because there is nothing to be gained in venting my frustration with you.

This is a lot more than just about money. I fell in love with your looks and your sex appeal. In retrospect, I think we just hadn’t been laid in a while when we met, because in just a few months our sex had gone from great to “hop on”, being the extent of your participation. You have made a couple attempts to be more involved in the past few weeks, but it comes a bit late. I couldn’t really ask you to put more effort into sex, when I knew it was wrong for me to be engaged in it anyway. I let my body go, as bad as you did, but when I finally found something that worked, I cared enough to try and look my best. You have made it clear that filling your stomach is more important to you that maintaining what attracted me to you. It is never a good thing to fall in love with a person’s looks. That is shallow and I knew better.

Initially I liked that we could talk, but I soon learned that I couldn’t tell you anything of any real importance because you would repeat it to anyone who would listen. It is not that nothing ever happens in the course of my day, it is that I don’t feel safe in sharing it with you. Sometimes I really need to talk out loud, but I can never give you the whole story, because I never know whom you will blurt it out to. Your need for confrontation in your life, makes me wary of what I say. I see you do it to your friends and watch in horror as they exclaim that they can’t believe you repeated this or that. If there is anything that I don’t need in my life, it is that kind of stress. The fact that you can repeat what I say to you tells me that when you choose to overlook what I have done for you, it is a conscious choice and not one of senility, and that hurts.

Finally, and most importantly, what kind of a future can I expect with you? I take marriage very seriously and I see it as two people pulling toward a common goal. My goal is to make my life count and to use every minute here trying to leave the world a better place, so that when I die, I can take satisfaction in knowing that I made a difference. I see this world as just a momentary diversion that prepares us for eternity and although I make my share of mistakes, and have my load of shortcomings, I really try to learn what God has asked of me and to do it. Not only do you have no passion for this life, you have no concern for your Creator or what He expects from you. We need a bigger goal than a fat bank account to be pulling toward if there is any future for us.

I don’t think you are a bad person, but I think you are too lazy to make any lasting change. I need a person that I can look up to; someone that I can be in awe of. I tried to create that in you, but at your core, you are still looking for the easy way out. You talk a great game, and even fooled me for a while, but not only do you lack the skills to ever succeed on your own, you lack the desire to learn, and that is something that I just can’t fix. You asked to come along with me when I look at Tax Deed properties, but driving around, looking at property is not the hard part. It is the years of experience and the countless hours of research that I spend in the court records that makes a deal and that is not something you want to do.

So, what now? I am typing this at 1:30 in the morning, like I do a lot of my work, because your snoring has run me out of the room. I will set up a bed in the guest room so that I can sleep. I would like you to start looking for your own place. I don’t want you to live somewhere that you are unhappy and I don’t want you to make a bad financial choice of homes because you feel rushed. I want you to find a place with a big yard so that the dogs can get some exercise. If it means you need to find a new woman to move it with, then you should start advertising. I’ll give you a good reference.

There was no way for me to be honest with you, without hurting your feelings, and I am sorry for this. I need to move on, but there is no rush. I’m not seeing anyone, obviously, and have no plans to start. People will want to know why and I would suggest “religious differences” as the best reason to tell them. Meanwhile, we can be as close or as distant as you feel comfortable with. I will try not to act any different than I have for the past year. I would like to remain your friend, but realize that you may need time to adjust first.

Carole