Dear Peter Kent, You asked me a question that I didn’t know how to answer, “If you had not been raped, who would you be now?” There is no way to say with certainty, because a quarter of a century of other things have happened that brought me to where I am today, but if I could turn back time and pick up the night before that happened, I can imagine how my life would have progressed based upon the trajectory it was on. I was in love with a man that made me feel like I was in the presence of God. Mike Belcher was in college, studying to be a preacher in the Church of Christ, and was from Bowling Green, KY. He was not an attractive person, but people flocked to him and you could just see his aura from all the way across the college campus. I didn’t know what an aura was then, but to me it was like seeing a man surrounded by angels.

The college girls all just loved him, but I was the one he asked to marry him. When he found out how young I was, (I was 13 or 14) he was willing to wait. I knew that being a preacher’s wife would be hard because, as I explained to you earlier, we don’t pay our preachers much of anything so that we can be sure that their motives are pure. I would likely need to learn a trade so that I could support the both of us and I wanted to be a Veterinarian. It was my plan to finish school early and get into a good college on a scholarship. I was a straight A student and in the 6th grade had taken the entrance exam to Florida College and passed with the highest score on record. This was also true on my Real Estate and Mortgage License exams. I am great at tests.

My grandmother had polished me for public speaking from the time I was six, so I was comfortable with people and felt like I would be the perfect preacher’s wife. I was teaching myself the Grand Diplomat School of Cooking course at home and did all of my family’s cooking and cleaning and was raising my brother, because my parents were working all the time. After school I worked in a gift shop (on N. Florida Ave in Tampa) that my grandfather set up for me when I was nine and later for my father’s lawn care business every day after work. I was also responsible for keeping our 10 acre yard up for my family and for my grandmother next door. I was loving and trusting and felt like the sky was the limit because all my life, my mother and grandmother had told me so.

I loved Mike Belcher and was in awe of his knowledge of the Bible and his ability to share that knowledge. I loved that he was so comfortable in his relationship with God. I had always been that way, but even at that young age noticed that most people didn’t feel that intimate connection to their Creator. When he was in college here I was with him whenever I wasn’t working and I felt safe at his side. When he was home in KY I wrote him love letters and poems and I longed for the school year to resume.

After I was raped, I quit writing him and wouldn’t take his calls. I couldn’t tell him why. I was so ashamed, I couldn’t tell anyone. Later, after I had left home, my mother said he came looking for me, but she didn’t know where I was. I became an alcoholic and a chain smoker and even though my work ethic stayed strong, I was only a shadow of who I had been until I got pregnant with Jamie at the age of 19. My husband locked me in a room of our house, for what seemed like weeks, but was probably only days, until I dried out. I never drank again, except for the occasional glass of wine.

I wouldn’t allow a Bible in the same house and I didn’t talk to God for 13 years. My first husband, also named Mike, who I hated, discovered that my parents really loved him for dragging me to church and I did it while we were married, but I was unfaithful to him and to God for the eight years we were married. It was in the mid to late 80’s, after my divorce, that Wally nagged me back to church. Wally just kept telling me he was praying for me and that God loved me and that one day I would come to know the Lord. He didn’t know how close God and I were before I screwed up. I couldn’t deter Wally despite having the foulest mouth and mannerism toward his unwelcome suggestions that I pray. Wally belongs to a liberal religious group that doesn’t follow the Bible as closely as we do and now our arguments are all over whether or not you have to be baptized to be saved and that sort of thing. He has been a great friend and I would spend more time with him, except that it makes his wife uncomfortable and she is a good person.

During this time, Don had taken on a girlfriend while I was dating the psychologist. We were still working together, and Don was still married to his first wife, so things were strained. In the late 80’s Don’s wife divorced him and I had to choose between him and the swinging psychologist, Dr.R. I stood out in the sun, raised my face to God and prayed. He told me to leave them both and I tried, but Don was persistent and in time I gave in. This turning point of praying, however, was the beginning of my journey back to who I was before. I came to trust in God’s guidance ( I really should have run from them both) and tried with renewed dedication to learn all that He had written for me.

I knew my weakness for Don was not in keeping with what was expected of me, but I vowed to do everything else right and pray for forgiveness and mercy. I was faithful to both Don and God until Don’s disappearance. This tragedy has brought me even closer to God and I had hoped that perhaps now, thinking that my best sexual years were behind me, I would be able to abstain and focus entirely on serving my Lord. After a year of celibacy, I couldn’t take it any longer and began seeking a mate that would see me through this period of time that I could not remarry.

When that mate asked me to marry him (the week before the WTC bombings) I re evaluated all that I had settled for and found that I was unwilling to commit the rest of my life to something that I really didn’t want. What I really wanted was to be back at the place in my life when I was happy and content with where my life was going. I broke up with him, citing religious differences as my reason, because he did not know God and had no desire to seek Him. I placed the ad with match.com looking for a man who was committed to making a difference and who knew, or at least was searching, for God.

You were the third response that I met with. You were the only one that fit what I was looking for. The Bible says that God will not tempt us and that He will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able to withstand, so I don’t know why you are in my life. I can’t say that I believe God would bring to me such an undeniable temptation to disobey His Law. I know that my choice to be with you is contrary to God’s Word, but again I can only hope that He will forgive this transgression and be understanding of my desire to build toward an acceptable relationship.

The healing I am able to impart to the cats in my care far exceeds any satisfaction that I would have thought possible in a Veterinary career. I have lived a life that makes me an unacceptable candidate as a preacher’s wife and no longer see that as being a goal. I do appreciate my ability to have overcome the obstacles in my life and I feel good about who I am, but I believe that even the appearance of impropriety can be a stumbling block to others who don’t know the whole story and I would not want to cause anyone to distrust God’s Word because they thought me to be a hypocrite.

My mother said something insightful about people who say they won’t go to church because of the hypocrisy of some of the members, “I’d rather spend this short life time in church next to a hypocrite than all of eternity in hell with them.” That being said, a lot of people are not as understanding or forgiving and for that reason, I have never even asked to join the local church that I attend. I don’t want to put anyone in the position of having to explain how Carole Lewis could be a member of a Church of Christ.

I see great hope in pursuing this relationship with you. You are loving, giving and healing to me in so many ways. I was most touched last night when I began crying and you held me close and told me to let it out. I have been asked to stuff it inside, my whole life, because people don’t typically know how to deal with the pain of another and try to make it stop before they become too uncomfortable. I have seen three people to their deaths with cancer and they all said the same thing; that no one else knew how to just be there for them. You know how to accept me as I am and how to be supportive of what I need, without my having to ask. I was up all night thinking about your response to me at such a vulnerable moment in my life and was deeply moved. Having recounted the event made it as real as if it had happened yesterday and the only way I could force those awful images from my mind was to keep reminding myself of how kind you were to me in hearing me out and not judging me on the naiveté of a 14 year old. I felt unconditional love from you and that is new to me. I have often given it, but never received it.

I have cried through this whole letter and have to go lead a staff meeting. You have just called me from Costco and unlike my usual way of being, I wanted to keep you on the line. I didn’t want to hang up. I appreciate all that you shared with me yesterday about your family and your feelings. I love you more with every new thing that I learn about you. I love that you have taken a leadership role in my spiritual life on something as simple as praying with me. I thank God silently that we have found each other, but do not express it aloud, as you have, because I do not believe it is right for a woman to lead a man in prayer or any other form of worship. Your ease in addressing God is encouraging to me and tells me a lot about the kind of man you are. I am in awe of you, Peter Kent Kent. With Heartfelt Love, Carole

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.