I Broke Up With Six Men & Don’t Know What To Do About Howie

Dear Howie, It's 5:30 a.m. and I have been praying for the last half hour about what to do regarding you and Bob Solomon and God isn't answering. Not in any way that I can comprehend. I keep hearing this primordial scream in my head; the kind that you never hope to hear nor express in a lifetime. A scream of pain and fear, that doesn't seem to be mine. I'm not sure what that is all about. At any rate, that little voice kept telling me to come write you, so perhaps inspiration or at least a little clarity will ensue.

Honesty is so important to me and that is true whether the subject be complimentary or not. The things I need to tell you may sound flattering or consolatory but that is not my intent. If our roles had been reversed, I would want to know, "Why?"

You are more accomplished, more sincere, more intelligent, more gentle, more reliable, more peaceful, more giving, more settled, more secure, more realistic, more independent, better looking, taller, more fit, funnier, and a far superior lover to him. (You are not allergic to cats) You are making your life count in ways that I admire deeply. You have a way with people that is nothing short of miraculous. You make me feel comfortable, loved, and accepted and I see that in the way you interact with those around you. We have discussed the tranquility that you project, whether it feels foreign to you or not. It feels so good to be near you.

I met Bob years ago, when he was referred to me by my live in lover Alan, regarding waterfalls and ponds for the cats. The first time our eyes met, there was a recognition that exceeded anything I could understand at the time. Later I performed a wedding for their mutual best friend Steve, and saw him again at the wedding. I spent the afternoon hiding from him because I was still in a relationship with Alan and I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that overwhelmed me when our eyes met. I broke up with Alan in October of 2001.

It was 2002 before I began to wake up to the world around me and began reading about things I had felt, but not understood, for years. Just last month Bob came to the gate at Easy Street asking for me and the volunteer who met him told him to leave his name, number and the nature of his request. The note said that he wanted to talk to me about a business opportunity and I put off calling him until last Thursday. I figured he would be wanting me to invest in some harebrained scheme, or because he knew Alan had made several hundred thousand dollars from his time with me, so I wasn't in any hurry to see him.

Seeing him may have been the biggest mistake I will make this year, because that immediate connection was so apparent that neither of us could focus on the reason that he came, which was to ask me to help him with a client who wants to invest in commercial real estate. Every word that falls from his lips sounds like it originated in my head. A person could study me for 20 years and not understand me at the level that he does after only a hand full of brief encounters. He hears voices and responds to them the same way I do. He has an open line of communication with God that is heartfelt to the point of tears and laughter, just like mine. He is empathetic, the same way I am, in that we "feel" people and take on their emotions as if they were our own. His way of dealing with that is far healthier than mine. We even share the same speech pattern of tone, enunciation and inflection. I look at him and see me. We are opposites in ways that will either compliment each other, or drive each other crazy. That remains to be seen.

I had almost forced myself to date a lot of other men, so that I wouldn't fall for any one of them, including you. I have never done that before and it felt horrible, cheap and unfulfilling but I didn't know how else to break the pattern of committing to one person and living to regret it. I appreciate the fact that you didn't use your understanding of my frailties to your advantage. You were the only one who didn't ask me to commit and it was because of your respect, your genuine concern and your self-confidence that I said I couldn't give you up.

Bob didn't ask for commitment from me, but I recognized the fact that seeing a lot of men didn't protect me from getting my heart involved, so it seemed pointless to carry on something that made me so uncomfortable. I have contacted all of the others and told them that I do not wish to see them again. I was even able to break ties with Peter Kent who has had considerable sway over my heart for the past year. In the past two days I have ended six other relationships, (including Mr. America, my sailing partner, Nick DeVito I recall later) or at the least taken them back to being non sexual, without a single tear or regret.

There are a multitude of reasons that I cried over losing you. I felt your dread when I asked you to lay next to me and let me tell you what was in my heart. You have heard it before, knew what was coming and still it hurt. I did not want to be someone who could hurt you. I love the gentle person you are and wanted to protect you from ever feeling unappreciated. I thought my heart was too hard for anyone to penetrate and that I could offer you devotion and security, if not unbridled love. You deserve better than what I had to offer.

I felt shame at having broken a promise to you. Had I promised fidelity I would not have broken it because I have a lifetime of practice at that and am very good at denying myself. Until meeting you I never used condoms though and in the passion of the moment forgot all about it. After crossing that point, I couldn't go back. I feel great sorrow for the breach of trust that I have caused. I think it would be very hard for you to ever trust me again and perhaps even make it hard for you to trust any woman. You have been most gracious in extending your friendship to me, but I believe that at your core you must feel some sense of indignation that I could be so selfish. It would have been easier for me to kill a cat with a hammer than to have done this to you.

I don't know how to proceed from here. I will follow your lead. If the networking event at the zoo tonight is something that will benefit you and you feel comfortable with me so soon we can go together. If you were just going for my sake, then it is probably best that we cancel as I am just likely to cry all night every time I look at you and think about the pain I have caused. Love, Carole

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.