Returning to My Monogamous Nature
Carole writes Howie: 18 Jan 2003 09:20:07 EST Subject: I can do Honesty
Dear Howie, If you are not turned off by pink hair, I'd love to come by Sunday and check out every department of the Howie Hug Shop. I have church until 11:30 and then my monthly Volunteer Meeting until 1:30, so it would be after 2PM. I have heard there is a ball game on that most of Tampa will be watching. When does that start, so that I don't keep you from it?
I was born blonde, but when I got pregnant with my daughter it turned brown, like hers, and never did lighten back up. I have tried to wear it dark, but it freaked me out every time I went past a mirror. I love grey hair and have tried my entire life to find the colour closest to grey that I can dye mine. Funny, they make all kinds of products to eliminate grey and none to cause it. This stuff didn't look red on the box, nor in the description, but it definitely has a pink caste to it. What is really funny about that is I always end up painting houses pink. I like the adobe, cream colours and yet no matter what I pick, when I am done with the house, people refer to it as "the pink house". Since most of my properties have been in low rent neighborhoods, that has actually been an advantage, but it was never my intention. You don't want my help when you go to pick paint.
Today is a VERY happy day for me. As soon as I woke up, to the sound of someone wanting in my gate, I came to see if there was any word from you. As always, I am just in awe of your spirit. Maybe you don't hear the rest of the universe audibly, like I do, but you certainly do at an intellectual level. You get it. It kind of reminds me of horses and masters. When a horse knows you and understands you it anticipates your moves and seems to flow as one with you. When a horse has just been exposed to a new rider, the new rider has to tell the horse and push the horse into what the rider wants. We are both "horses". I just have to be kicked and yelled at by the Master to get my attention. You are already flowing with anticipation and understanding.
The people at the gate were the gunnite crew for the pool. They ran over my water line and now I have a pool in the front yard AND the back yard. No one speaks English (or French), so I just got in from pantomiming how to shut off the water. It could have been worse. I could have been in the middle of colouring my hair and been forced to go out in public to find a shower. Or, worse yet, to
you. Talk about seeing someone at their worst!
I never asked you about your past because it seems most people are very private. As someone who has been alone a while, I know the underlying insinuation of "what is wrong with you?" when people ask why you are not married. People always want to know why my husband would have left me and
not knowing if that was even the case I can never answer that. As someone with a wild imagination, I have always found that the truth is far easier to take than not knowing. I will always lay my cards on the table and if you find it offensive just tell me and I will play silently.
Before I hit send last night, "big Bob" called and apologized for "little Bob" acting out his emotions. He said that to just walk away was to cut his nose off to spite his face. He realized that his reason for coming to me initially was for guidance in the foreclosure market and he feels that together we can make a lot of money. Our talents do compliment each other in such a manner that I believe that could be true. He said that the sexual tension between us almost had to be handled the way it was in order to get it out of the way so that we can concentrate on business and not on wondering what the other would be like in bed.
He believes that in time I will be so enamoured with him that I wouldn't be able to be with anyone else, and that until that is true, he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me. He went on to say that he didn't consider oral sex, as sex, but I told him I am a Republican. I don't know if he is sincere or if this is just a ploy. In either event, I don't know if I am strong enough to resist, but I am going to try.
There are several reasons for that. The first is because you are so important to me. I had told him from the beginning that I could not give you up. That wasn't from any sense of obligation to you, because you never asked for a commitment from me. It is because of how good it is to be with you. I want to get to know you better and I have never had a better sexual partner than you. If I am going to revert to my monogamous nature, it is going to be with someone that I care about and enjoy. I want that to be you.
Perhaps I am being naïve but it appears this could be the best of both worlds for me. The connection that I feel with Bob is similar to that with my daughter, with Mary, with Radar (a secretary who anticipated my every move) and Bill. Over the past 17 years Bill has been to me, what you are to the women in your life that you are just friends with. That objective male perspective. He and I have been together sexually perhaps four times in 17 years in between husbands and lovers. Working with Bob may be all that I "need" from that relationship. As I think about what I want, that seems possible.
If Bob decides he wants more than that and pulls out all the stops and comes for me with the same passion and enthusiasm he did initially, I don't know if I am strong enough to deflect his attention. He describes himself as relentless and I can see why. Sort of like your incident with the red head; he has shown me enough of his dark side that I don't trust him. I will cross that bridge when, and if, I come to it. At least you have the assurance that I will be honest about it.
Until then I look forward to a lot of great minutes with you. I don't want you to feel like I am just trying you on in a process of elimination toward someone else. Marriage or living together is not at the end of my agenda. There is no pressure for you to "work out" as you said, because what I like with you is what I already have with you. As long as we have that, life is good and when and if we don't have it, then life will have been better for having had it while we did.
As for the clinical issues, tell me what you prefer. Bob is going in on the 4th for extensive medical evaluation for his lungs. His blood tests will reveal if I have been exposed to anything that none of us were aware of. Based upon his sexual history I doubt seriously that there is a problem. I can schedule to have blood tests run again, but it would probably fall into about the same time line, because it is so hard to get an appointment via my HMO. Until we know for sure, you can make the call of protection or not. Do they make condoms that big? Until I tell you differently, it is not my intention to have sex with anyone else, but if I do, it will be protected, or again, I will tell you otherwise.
While I am on embarrassing subjects, since you are the only one likely to see it, do you prefer * hair or clean-shaven? I have no preference, other than to please my lover, so whatever you prefer is fine. I saw a woman once who shaved it into the shape of the playboy bunny, but I am not that handy with a razor. - Carole
Howie writes Carole:
Some friends who have a townhouse that looks out on Bayshore by Bay to Bay have invited us to spend a little time there Feb 1 in the early afternoon to watch the parade go by. Not something we have to spend the whole afternoon doing. Would you like to join me?
Carole writes Howie At 02:10 PM 1/18/03 -0500:
WOES is celebrating Ground Hog Day that day from 1-3. I need to be there for about 30 minutes, but can do it at 1 or at 2:30, just for moral support to the troops. Every year we end up competing with Gasparilla and always say we are going to plan differently the next year. I don't know who decided on Feb. 1, but I have been printing up tickets for it all morning.
I would like to join you with your friends, if the time crunch doesn't interfere with what you want to do. I would be happy to have you accompany me to WOES before, or after.
I have been using the SAFEinTheWild address while Jamie was out of town, but will be able to access this one more easily after today.
Howie writes Carole 18 Jan 2003 21:37:05 -0500
I'm supposed to go to Davis Island to see the ship go by, which I've never seen, in the morning with Marianne and probably won't get back until about 1:30. How about if you do WOES at 1:00 and we meet at my house around 2pm. Remember you cannot come down Bayshore though. Westshore to Gandy best I think. Then we can either get some exercise and walk up to Bay to Bay if we're ambitious or drive, but parking anywhere near there will be a nightmare so unless we're really not up to it the walk may be better. And don't fret about being here right at 2. And thanks for invite to WOES - would have if not for the morning deal.
I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/
I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.
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