Groovy kind of love

Carole writes Howie:

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do...

Thank you for that.

Howie writes Carole: 22 Jan 2003 00:05:14 -0500

Thanks. I sort of regretted possibly creating the impression that tomorrow was some big confession or something. You are so unusual in not asking questions and just waiting for me to bring up something. But on the other hand, from this point on if there ever is something you are curious about or would like to ask, I'd like you to feel free to ask and I'll try to answer.

I feel like writing tonight.

One thing I would like you to be aware of is my religious background. By birth I'm Jewish. I have not practiced since I left home, and my family was never very religious. I have no negative feelings about Judaism and have not "officially" ever abandoned it. It just seemed to me that the whole thing was pretty well summed up in the Golden Rule and the rest was ritual. Being Jewish is a little different from most religions in that it is to some extent not just a religion but also an ethnic background, like being Italian. To my Jewish friends and my family, I'm Jewish, and occasionally get invited to a holiday meal. My beliefs, as I think you have seen, run much more along spiritual lines, believing firmly in some life force in the Universe that is part of all living things, and a "soul" or "spirit" in each of us that is the portion of that life force that resides in us. And I think that some form of reincarnation is very likely.

I would like to know your church because it is such an important part of your life and, for me, part of knowing and understanding you. And even if I can never share some of the beliefs, I may well learn some things that I will benefit from. And at a minimum, may simply find some peaceful minutes. I went to Mary's church the day my old friend Dell died just to be able to be in a "house of God" as the right place for the feelings I had that day.

Switching topics, it tends to be human nature to find most desirable what we cannot have, and take for granted what we do have. Aside from the awkwardness of saying or writing something that feels "mushy" to me, I think a part of me feels like if I share thoughts that show too much interest in you, I become part of the pack of admirers and less desirable. Not saying this is the case - rather, it is another little insight I find as I look inside for reasons for my own behavior.

My favorite relative after my brother is my cousin Alan in Miami. He is about 74, the guy who "talked" me into going to law school. He is not just a brilliant trusts and estates lawyer, but someone who I admire for just having pure wisdom. He was my mother's favorite younger cousin, and now I think he and I have the same relationship. He had a long unhappy first marriage, then late in life married his current wife. I don't think I know of a better marriage.

When I was in Miami in December I told him about you. I hope you won't mind, but I showed him your poem, because I thought he was one of the few people who would appreciate it. I have to confess and hope you'll understand that at the time, to me you were sort of new and interesting but had not really gotten past my barriers. (And speaking of "bulldozing", where did you put them?) Anyway, he became President of your fan club by the end of the poem. I sent him a little update recently and he sent me the email below. I thought it was wonderful, and wanted to share it with you when I got it but felt that "wince" that I get so I didn't. Tonight I'm ignoring the wince. Here is what he sent me:

When you are not with her, would you like to be? Would you like to wake up next to her in the morning and go to sleep with her at night? Do you often think about her when you are not with her? If you were able to change her, what changes (IF ANY) would you make? Do you admire what she has done with her life up to this point? Do you think she is intelligent out-of-bed? When the party is over, do you want to go home or have her go home? Are you concerned that she have a nice day? If she concerned that you have a nice day? Do you really listen when she is talking about what her day was like or will be like? Does she listen when you talk? Does she know that you really can't afford the lifestyle that goes with a $60,000 - $65,000 Mercedes? I assume she knows you are Jewish. Is she religious? Then turn the questions around from her point of view, such as: How would she change you if she could? I once dated a woman who thought I should dress differently. That was the straw that broke the camel's back quick!!! - Alan

Maybe someday I'll even show you my answers! :-)

Do you think I should dress differently? :-) Like maybe always just wear the tool belt?

Incidentally, Alan is one of those people who still can't believe I wrote the check for the car. When I pulled up in his driveway with it the first time, he stared at it in disbelief. He looked at me oddly and said, "You know, in recent years when you told me what you were doing, I always wondered if you were actually making a living. I guess you were." What he does not understand is that the gas costs the same for this as the other cars.

This psychic thing is getting out of hand now. Last night it was the fleeting vision floating by me. The remarkable part of that, by the way, is that it was not in a dream. I was awake, or maybe half way between awake and asleep. But now, disk jockeys are starting to read my mind. On the ride home tonight, as I was thinking of you, they played "Groovy kind of love". I had never paid attention to the words before. They mean something now.

Boy, in the morning if I read this I'm gonna really be embarrassed. I think I better stop and try to go to sleep. Have a nice day today (I assume it is now morning when you read this.) Looking forward to seeing you in the afternoon.

Carole writes Howie: 22 Jan 2003 08:41:18 EST

You may recall that Jesus was a Jew as were all of the apostles and most of the disciples. The Old Testament has been proven to be an extremely accurate book of history and geography and was almost entirely about the Jews. As I said in an earlier email, the Dead Sea Scrolls have shown that in all the thousands of years of translations, nothing was lost from the texts of the period. There is no living proof that Jesus did the miracles that the New Testament claims, except for the fact that a disproportionate percentage of the population was so convinced at the time that they were willing to suffer brutal persecution. The most compelling evidence of Jesus Deity, in my mind, is the hundreds of prophecies he fulfilled from the Old Testament. In just a three hour period, just before his crucifixion, he fulfilled over a hundred of them and he was doing it from a situation that he could not control.

To have any belief in Christ, a Christian has to have a very good understanding of the Jewish law and their history. I lived with Alan Schreier for two years who was a practicing Jew and he got a big kick out of having his Christian girlfriend explain to all of his Jewish friends their own rituals and what they meant. My attorney is Jewish. My alias in the real estate world for the past 20 years is Gilda Goldman. Bob's last name is Solomon. One of my closest volunteers was Susan Aronoff. She and her father spent countless hours discussing modern Judaism with me and it only vaguely resembles Judaism of the Bible. I don't know much about Jewish practices today, but I have a very strong background in the origins of the faith and the people. You are, by all rights, one of God's chosen people. How could I find any fault with that?

If you could see the wonderful way that your letter affected me this morning you would not be at all embarrassed for having sent it. I am honoured that you shared our feelings with Alan. There is nothing that I wish to hide, and if there ever should be, I would let you know when I tell you. I think you would know the difference without me having to say anything anyway.

I haven't seen anything in you that I even think needs changing, but I have been around enough to know that even if I did, it wouldn't happen. If you don't like a person just exactly like they are, you are never going to like them. People change but they do it for their own reasons. My friend Bill is 51 and says that people in our age range, who are single, are almost always rehab projects. To use your term, we can't live this long without baggage, but what I like about myself is that I expect to take care of those things myself and am not looking for someone to fix nor rescue me. You seem even more self sufficient. I am going to send this while I write the rest. I write very slowly as I started this letter an hour ago. My typing is not bad. I just try to think through every word so that I do not cause misconception. It was good to hear your voice this morning. I am even worse on the phone than in person when it comes to communication. - Carole

Later that night Carole writes Howie,

Dear Howie, I just got through with the Spay Neuter group and am about to do the dishes and hit the sack. I hope your meeting and acupuncture went well.

As I read (and re-read) your last notes I wondered if I am pushing you too fast? I have a tendency to bulldoze my way through life and while it serves me well to do so in business and fundraising it could feel less than gentle to your spirit. We have our whole lives to get to know each other and I want you to feel comfortable in every aspect of the process.

Unlike your suggestion to me of mentally committing to a certain time frame, I don't typically set dead lines, and in our getting to know each other, I am much more apt to just let things unfold as they will. My opposition to dead lines usually means do it now and it will be done when it's called for later, but that doesn't seem like a reasonable way to approach an affair of the heart. This whole paragraph illustrates the fact that I am in uncharted water and don't know what to do, but the good news is that there is no rush. I have to laugh out loud, because this has been your advice to me from the beginning. Guess it was pretty good advice after all, eh?

I still want to know every thing about you. I just want it to be in your time and as your comfort level allows.

Who Is He?

What man is this, who knows my heart?

How does he know the way I feel?

Is this a dream I'll soon wake from

And find that this was never real?

He knows, with eloquence, precise

All that I fear and cannot say

Accepting and not judging in

His own kind, gentle, loving way

His spirit reaches out with light

That heals me like the summer sun

And leaves me awestruck, wondering

Who is this very special One?

Is he a dream I've conjured up

A fantasy of flesh and bone

That makes the perfect vessel for

A spirit like I've never known?

Is he the other half of me?

The one I've long been searching for?

If this is true, if this is real

How could I ever want for more?

Time will tell, as it always does

The reason we have come to be

Both standing on the crossroads at

This point along eternity.

For Howie Baskin

By Carole Ann Stairs

1/22/03

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.