Howie Tells Me He Loves Me & That I Am The First

Carole writes Howie:At 10:27 AM 2/6/03 -0500:

Dear Howie, I did not feel that you were prying and you did not come across as being jealous. I don't know how you deal with things yet, and thus don't know how to avoid making you uncomfortable. I guess I am much like an ostrich in that I reason, "What I don't know won't hurt me." When my husband didn't come home at night, I never asked where he had been, because I felt it would force him into a position of lying to me and I hate being lied to. He was probably lying when he would present me with a myriad of wild tales, but I never questioned it, because I really didn't want to know.

That is a large part of why I don't ask you where you are going, or what you are doing, or did. I believe that if you want me to know, you will tell me and if you don't want me to know, my asking probably wouldn't elicit anything I wanted to hear. I asked you about any possible drug addictions because that really is something I cannot live with. People are weird enough without adding the uncertainty of chemical imbalance.

Speaking of weird, I don't find Taurus dull at all. You have such a foreign way of approaching things that I find it infinitely interesting. I did like the tie though ;-)

I want you to be comfortable and communication is the biggest part of any relationship. I just need to know what you prefer. I will answer any question you have about Bob, unless it would be a breach of his trust in some manner. I didn't bring him up or volunteer stuff about how he and I are adjusting to this platonic role we have agreed to, because I feel that at some level it still must be threatening to you. If you felt this strong desire to spend time with a woman who was making it clear she wanted more from you, I would feel jealous (despite my insistence to the contrary).

Bob isn't at all shy about asking why I have chosen you over him. As far as I can, without hurting his feelings, nor breaching any areas of trust with you, I answer his questions, but I never volunteer anything. I have told him that you bring tranquility and stability to my life. He says that is what I bring to his. I've told him that you observe everything about me and respond with such precision that I know you understand me (or can at least accept me). He says that's why he is so drawn to me. I get him, when it seems no one else does. I've told him that I look up to your morals and values and that I share these same beliefs. Bob looks up to mine, and sees them as his own. As I write this, it seems apparent that you are to me, what I am to him.

There is such a synergy there that I really feel I need to get to know him better, to learn whatever lessons are there to be learned. I enjoy being in his space and touching him because I feel connected to a life force and spirituality that is stronger than my own, but I don't desire him sexually. There is a tremendous passion there, but for me it is not something that reaches its culmination in sex. For him it does and he is finding this to be more difficult than he had originally thought. I fully expect to be given an ultimatum at which time the choice seems even easier to make, because then there is no doubt about the depth of his love.

Your love for me as a person superseded your needs and there is no greater love than that. (Yes, I said the L word first, but I won't make a habit of it until we come to a consensus on its meaning) My longing for you increases. My passion for you keeps growing stronger. My admiration for you grows deeper with every conversation. I appreciate the freedom you have given me to sort all of this out. Please help me to know how to best show you that appreciation. - Carole

Howie writes Carole 06 Feb 2003 15:04:34 -0500 Subject: Love

If I don't come home to you at night, you can be sure that with my sense of direction, I am simply lost.

The only thing I need to know about Bob you have told me, and that is that he is important to you and that your contact with him creates good minutes for you. While part of me may be a bit jealous, another part thanks him for giving you some happiness. I wish it were likely that he could continue to do that without an "ultimatum". However, his sexual attraction and frustration are likely to grow. If you ever for some reason want my thoughts regarding Bob you can bring him up, but other than that, there is no need for you to keep me abreast of your relationship with him unless it serves some purpose for you.

You can ask me where I am going or what I am doing any time you want. You are so open with me, in such a wonderfully childlike manner, that I am happy to respond as best I can. And unlike the past situations where you did not ask because you did not want to be lied to, I will never, ever lie to you about anything. And if I ever do anything that I think is a breach of trust with you, I certainly hope that I will be brave enough to follow the wonderful example you set and be as honest as you were with me.

Hey, stop telling Bob all my secrets about how I've won your heart. I charge a coaching fee for that stuff and for him the fee will be pretty darn steep! Just refer him to me.

Uh oh, that four letter word (love) is out of its box. You have, of course, very correctly observed that I am very much in love with you. So, I'd like to give you some more thoughts on that.

I grew up watching my father say "I love you" to my mother, then causing her such pain. She was so strong and such an amazing woman. But I can still visualize the one time when she was in the living room and got a call from yet one more of his creditors. I think she did not realize I had been coming down the stairs and could see her. She put the phone down, put her face down into her hands, and burst into tears. My father was not an ill intentioned man. He was actually kind and caring. Unfortunately, he was just flawed in critical ways, and despite his best intentions, created this pain.

My mother was very wise. She has left me with a couple of wonderful gems, not necessary original, but very valuable. One I told you last night, i.e. to keep your mouth shut and people will think you are smarter than you are. There are two others that come to mind.

One is not to listen to what people say, but rather to observe what they do. And that thought on top of the experience growing up causes me to place little value on the words "I love you" and great value on whether I observe people treating their alleged loved ones in a manner that says they love them. You have treated me that way, and I have tried to treat you that way.

The other thing my mother left me with is one I know you will like. During the last months of her lingering illness from cancer, her moments of clear thinking were limited by the pain medication. On one of them, she said something like this: I hope that you are successful in whatever way you choose to define it, whether it is financially, or in the position you attain in your career, or whatever you

choose. But remember one thing. No matter how successful you are, some one or some set of circumstances beyond your control can take it away. But, there is one thing that no one else can take from you. Only YOU can take it away from yourself. And that is your honor.

That is how I have tried to live. I don't claim to be perfect, but try to live by that advice.

In all these years, I have only once said "I love you" to a woman, and it was in response to her saying it to me. I have had in mind that, since I did say it once before, that what I wanted to do with you was say it first, before you did, so that you would have the distinction of being the only woman to whom I had said it first, not as a response. Since your reference to it in the email was actually with regard to my love for you, not yours for me, it appears that I still have that opportunity.

Part of me has felt like the short time I have known you made it inappropriate to even think this thought. And, you make a very good point about definition. It does not sound very romantic to define it before you say it, but it is almost a meaningless phrase because it means different things to different people. To some it means they want to marry. To some, it refers to the feelings of desire or passion that they have. And to some it seems to mean nothing.

It has long been my feeling that the best definition comes from watching our animal friends, a subject you know far better than I do. Mothers in the animal kingdom will face certain death in the face of a more powerful predator in an effort to protect their offspring. They value the lives of their offspring more than their own. To me, that is the purist form of love. If the ship is going down and there is only room for one in the lifeboat, and without question you would select another person over yourself, that seems like love to me.

In a less dramatic way, I think when you really enjoy making someone else happy there is love involved. That does not mean always being on the giving end and having a one sided relationship, it just means really enjoying the happiness of the other.

And that is why, in spite of my petty tinge of jealousy, I can genuinely be happy that you have found in Bob this unique connection that makes you feel not alone in your connection to the universe and perhaps through your contact with him even more connected to it. You have an unusual gift that, simply because others do not have it, can very naturally make you feel like there is something "wrong" with you in a way, or that you are a "nut". Kind of like in the comic books when people with superpowers find other such people, and at least feel like they are not the only one. More generally, whenever we find people with whom we share something, I think we feel more connected. And given that you had never found someone who experienced the kinds of thoughts or messages you feel and hear, I can only imagine that it must be a wonderful thing to have found at least one other person who does.

Anyway, back to the dictionary, as best as I can put in words on the spur of the moment, these are the kinds of things I mean when I say, or write I guess, that I love you. I do not mean that I want to "own" you or limit you or have you feel trapped, and I have no current intentions for our future together other than to see where the path leads. I don't "want more too early in the relationship" to paraphrase the Taurus horoscope. I just very, very much want you to enjoy the time you spend with me and I want to reward the wonderful peace and happiness your company gives me by trying to reciprocate as best I can.

This is one of those emails that will get deleted if I don't hit send fast, so I'd better move. It does occur to me though, that given the boat metaphor, I'd better not go sailing with you in case I end up having to live up to my grand words??!! :-)

And boy is this a long email about feelings. Hmmm, am I turning into you? :-)

I love you.

Carole writes Howie:

Dear Howie, I just got home and read your letter. It is a letter that on my death bed I will probably be able to recite, word for word. I feel so honoured to be loved by you. It means so much more to me that you have been so discerning in your use of the phrase. I am too overwhelmed with tears of joy to respond right now. I will soon though. - Carole

Howie writes Carole 06 Feb 2003 16:11:41 -0500

My eyes watered writing it, and reading this. How about enough mushy stuff for today, ok? I think this is all I can handle. Not knowing traffic, I may arrive to you early in order to be sure not to be late, if that is ok. - Howie

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.