Howie Will Never Hurt Me

Howie writes Carole 13 Feb 2003 11:49:57

Sometimes you just make me sit here and grin. If anyone saw me they'd think I was demented.

The wonderful assortment of tea was a lovely surprise. Thanks very much! - Howie

Dear Howie, I have a new appreciation for the athlete that you are. Dan ran me all over the court this morning and I couldn't believe how breathless that left me. Today I feel it in my back, but can't tell if it is a bad thing, or if it is just an awakening of muscles that I haven't used. I have an 80+ uncle who wants a game with you someday as his cronies can't keep up with him. He is a Chiropractor and his name is John. I haven't spent much time with him, but everyone says we are very much alike in our approach to life. He takes care of my favourite (and crazy) aunt Barbara and provides her with a condo on the beach in New Port Richey. They are my grandmother's brother and sister. 10 or 12 of them all together.

Thank you for your sensitivity and acceptance of my run-in with self-doubt this morning. I keep trying to remember that the wake behind the boat is not what propels it and that to focus on it really does very little for the forward propulsion. I believe that we create our own reality and as I look back on what has been my reality I am sometimes stunned at how I could have done this. Your gentleness this morning allowed me to look at it objectively on the way home and I had something of an epiphany as I turned the second to last turn from the island.

I have never had any doubt about my moral character and you reaffirmed that to me when you said that you trusted your instincts because of the way that you have responded to me. My life has been a wild roller coaster ride because of my choices, and perhaps the most pervasive was in my devotion to Don from the age of 19. For the first year I thought he was a poor boy, named Bob Martin, who worked for this awful person that he called Don Lewis. When I found out the truth, it was too late. I was committed.

I learned over the years that his heart thrived on larceny and he would rather lie than tell the truth, even when the truth would have served him better. I have always been fascinated by the criminal mind and felt that if these geniuses had any moral fiber they could be so much more productive and effective. That was the niche I created for myself with Don. I felt I could guide him into channeling his energy into something positive. Since I had "control" of the paperwork I could insure that things were always done in an equitable manner for him and whoever he was dealing with. If I had to sum up the entire relationship in one sentence it would be that I spent my life getting him out of trouble. Most of our properties were held in The Guardian Angel Land Trust because Don always called me Angel and the rest is obvious. (Mostly, in retrospect, so that he didn't call me Pam, or Dorothy, or Gladys)

Even in his absence, I have found myself dealing with all of the same bizarre issues, which has caused me to internalize a lot of the conflict as if I had some control over it. I created this mess, but did so out of a bad choice of mates and the naivete of believing that I could change him. As I reflect on the

relationships I have had with men since, I can see that I was trying to fill the void in my life with something familiar. It wasn't until learning the definition of insanity that I realized I had to break free of what I knew and understood and felt comfortable dealing with.

I've told you before how anxious I would get before coming over; to the point of making myself sick. You are such a good man that I didn't have any idea how to behave with you. I couldn't see any way that you needed me and that caused me to feel insecure. I would rather have never told you anything about me or my past, but as I have come to know you felt that would have been misleading. Your encouragement to be myself has given me the courage to lay it all out in front of you. I trust your ability to evaluate the situation and my spirit accurately. You have that gift.

For me, all of this is about trust. I have never trusted a man. You have such a history of being trustworthy and your mannerisms toward me make it easy to trust you. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get to know you. In dealing with men up until this point, my attitude has always been: "If they do the worst to me that I could imagine them doing, could I tolerate it?" I can't even imagine you doing something to hurt me, or anyone else for that matter. You make it easy for me to trust you.

I take full responsibility for everything I have done and wouldn't change anything because, as in your book about alternative outcomes, it lead me to where I am today. I appreciate what a leap of faith you have been willing to take in trusting me. I won't let you down.

I needed to say thank you, but also found peace in sorting this out via the writing. No need for a lengthy response from you. Your actions say it all. With Heartfelt Love, Carole

13 Feb 2003 13:13:45

Thanks. No long email, but a couple of comments:

Hmm, Dan left you breathless, eh? And here I thought I was the only one who could leave you breathless.

Would love to play with John. Let's arrange as soon as calf is ready.

I kind of thought I would get an email about our conversation this morning and was worried that thinking about it was going to give you a bad day, totally without cause. I'm taking from your email that this was not the case and that it maybe even helped you reach some positive insights, so I'm relieved.

In a sense, there is a silver lining to your past when it comes to how I feel about you. The fact that you so openly reveal to me information that might cause you to worry would put me off, and could easily hide or color, creates an opportunity to build trust that would not exist otherwise.

I continue to offer the caveat that I cannot predict the future. I cannot be sure that I will never cause you hurt. Either of us could find that our feelings change at some point, and the other is disappointed. Or, either of us can simply be insensitive or make a mistake that hurts the other, since we are not perfect. But what I can promise you is that I would never do anything with the intention of hurting you, I would never intentionally mislead you, and I would never intentionally fail to tell you the truth.

I particularly appreciate your closing comment ("your actions say it all"). As we have discussed with Covey's "verb" quote, I am much more comfortable trying to show you how I feel than tell you, and think it is much more meaningful.

Your biography cannot help but be a best seller. The only issue is that we may have to market it as fiction because no one will believe it is non-fiction? :-)

There is an interesting book review in Business Week this past week about what makes "leaders". It struck me for a number of reasons, but you came to mind. It attributes leadership to having survived life changing challenges or having some kind of life changing events. I cannot find words to tell you how in awe I am of the challenges you have survived and overcome in your life while still maintaining such a positive spirit.

Sent you an email earlier to thank you for the wonderful surprise of the tea selection, but it appears to have bounced back for some reason, so if you did not get it and do get this, thanks VERY much. I have a little something for you that I hope you will enjoy - but you'll have to wait til Valentine's Day.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow afternoon! - Howie

Howie writes Carole 13 Feb 2003 23:04:48

Well, you've definitely managed to convert me to your time zone. 10:45 and I can't keep my eyes open, so turning in. Thinking of you (which I guess is obvious since I'm emailing?). Will try to arrive at the island before 4pm ahead of traffic. But if for any reason that ends up not being convenient for you, just let me know and I can adjust.

Bruce Levinson, the attorney in NY who is hoping to visit WOES next week, emailed. We had tentatively set Friday because you have the function on Saturday. I am pretty sure I had mentioned to him that the weekend was not good, but I think in trying to coordinate the schedules of the various relatives with him he forgot and emailed about Saturday evening. I've emailed back reminding him the Saturday is a problem and hoping he can shift back to the Friday slot we had penciled in previously. Will advise.

Anyway, have a great Valentine's Day - I'll be drinking my new teas and looking forward to seeing you and celebrating tomorrow evening. - Howie

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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