If There is a Heaven, I Am Living It Now

Carole writes Howie 3/12/03:

Dear Howie, Sorry to hear of your frustration. I hope the work out does the trick for you. As for being ravished, I will always take my lead from you. My desire is to please you and if that is seven times a week, or once a week, it is your decision and I am happy with whatever you choose. I don't often initiate sex because I know that my desire will eventually be satisfied.

I was writing the following for the past couple of hours:

Dear Howie, It's been one of those days where I wonder if it's real of if I'm making it up as I go along. As I entered the courthouse, the guards all knew my name, even though I didn't recognize most of them. Larry Herndon (the bird-dog I mentioned last night) who I haven't seen in over a year came running up to schmooze me. I sat down in the auditorium and a familiar looking woman came and sat beside me. I asked where I knew her from and she said, "If your name is Carole, we sat next to each other at a tax deed auction." Shyly she asked if Bob was my husband, boyfriend or available. She was wearing an engagement ring but I told her he'd love to hear from her and she said she would call.

Now I remembered her. She'd practically sat in my lap to get closer to Bob that day. She was still was carrying his number but explained that she hadn't called because she couldn't ascertain the nature of our relationship. I went out for coffee and ran into Larry Hodge, the man from church who is being considered as an Elder, that I introduced to you at Red Lobster. He was here for jury duty as well. We talked about the real estate business and crime until I was called.

Standing in the hall a familiar looking man came up to shake my hand. I felt like a mule had kicked me in the kidneys and almost buckled from the impact of his hand in mine. I couldn't place his face yet but I knew his health was severely compromised. He told me his name was Gary Costello and that he had been a volunteer of mine 5 or 6 years ago. He said he'd left because his health had been so bad. He said he wasn't fairing any better these days, but asked if he got to feeling better if he would be welcome, since he had been the side kick to a woman that I dismissed for forcing a cat into a carrier. (Judy Watson) I told him that I didn't hold him responsible for her behaviour and that I would love to have him back. I was trying to consciously shake the physical impact of touching him by reminding myself that I don't have to experience everyone's pain. I reminded myself that to do so was only the Ego validating the experience and I don't need that sort of validation. I was looking out the window and felt the wind in the leaves. Then I became the wind and passed through the trees, through the clouds, through time...

I passed back through time to when you "put out to the Universe" that you were ready for me. I reflected over the immediacy of being summoned to your side. I didn't know what was happening. I remembered ascending the winding incline at the aquarium, just a few steps behind you. I could feel the discomfort in your lower back. I could see pain in your gait. I remember thinking, "If he'd let me

touch him, I could fix that." I know that I have no power, but rather seem to just be a big amplifier between those who need help and the Source that is capable of giving it.

Despite your friendliness and apparently gregarious personality, I sensed a shyness that said, "If you touch him, he'll run like a scared rabbit." Rather than touch you openly as we talked, I opted to move closer into your aura and touch you with mine. When you left abruptly I figured I had intruded on your space by embracing your spirit too aggressively. From what you've said that wasn't' perceived, but what I found interesting about the entire encounter was that I wanted to touch you. I felt that it was my responsibility, my calling, to aid you in whatever way I could. The physical felt like the most obvious. My whole life has been a dance of trying to avoid human contact and here I was reaching out for it with you.

I reflected on the passage from Genesis and your apparent amusement with the idea that I was created for you. Had I been more spontaneously articulate I might have explained that I don't see that concept as suggesting inequality, but rather as a role that I feel particularly well designed to fulfill. If I were to tell you that I feel that my ultimate purpose is reached in doing all that I can to make your life richer, I could expect to hear you ask, "What about you?"

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I silently answered your unasked question: "You give me gentleness. You give me love. You give me respect. In these ways you have already filled my every need." I was trembling all over, much like the way I do when we make love. I didn't feel like I would collapse, but rather as though I was being lifted up. I vacillated between wondering what the other

jurors were thinking about this trembling, crying woman and the way they might do the same if I started levitating there in the hall. I made a conscious effort to keep my feet on the floor as I walked away. (as if I needed to) Moments later a woman passing by exclaimed, "How do you do that?" I looked at her quizzically, and she went on, "How do you walk like that?!?" I looked down to make sure my feet were still on the ground and they were. I can only guess what she meant, so I just smiled and floated on by.

On the way back from lunch I was standing at a cross walk and became aware that my spirit was drifting between the buildings, leaving my body just standing on the corner. Going back to retrieve myself, I saw that the light was in my favour, and I stepped out into the street. A car, turning into my path stopped and I looked up a little startled. When the woman waved at me, I recognized that it

was Carolyne Clendenin, one of my volunteers. She represents something very special to me in our volunteer staff in that she named her first born after one of the other volunteers and has such a love for the whole group. They all get along so well now, and that has been a rough road. She is a stay at home mom, but schedules everyone for the cabins and special tours via the web site and her phone. I never expected to see her downtown.

After lunch all of the cases had been resolved so I was dismissed. I arrived at the hospital as my aunts were trying to hold my grandmother's shivering body still enough for the nurse to change the IV. She was as pale as a ghost, chattering her teeth and looking like death. She had blood all over her and the bed from the difficulty they were having with the IV. They never did get it back in. My Aunt Barbara turned to me and said, "I'm afraid we're going to lose her!" I smiled and walked up to the foot of the bed. Obscurely, I put my hands down at the soles of her feet and said, "Oh, she's going to be just fine." Both aunts looked at me like I was out of my mind.

My Aunt Carole said "She's been shaking like this for hours and her fever just keeps going higher and higher!" as if I didn't understand the severity of the situation. Almost immediately, Momma Jacquie slumped over and I watched her chest to see if she was breathing, although I didn't feel too concerned. She quit shaking, her colour resumed and in five minutes or so my Aunt declared that her forehead was a cool as a cucumber.

On the way there, I was trying to think of a way to overcome all of this depression she's been subject to since my grandfather died in November of 1997. I decided I would ask her what she had always wanted to do with her life, what she would have done for a living if money had not been an object and what she really enjoys. I don't know those things about her and expect she doesn't either. Perhaps with someone else to focus on, she could overcome this upbringing that had caused her to evaluate her worth based upon her value to the man in her life. Most of the afternoon, even after her remarkable recovery, she was delirious, so I didn't bring it up.

My Aunt Barbara asked when she was going to meet you, and my grandmother piped up, saying, "You are going to love that Howie! He is just the kindest man and is so handsome! I especially like his mouth, the way he forms his words, and his teeth. His teeth are one of his best features." I relayed to her that you would agree with the latter part of that statement and told her how you had felt the dentist was surely wrong when you heard about your first cavity. Later she asked what I was going to do tonight and I told her that I was going to church and that I was going to go see you. She asked what we do together and I said that we read a lot. She thought I meant that we read to each other and she sat up in bed and said, "that's what I want to do!"

My Aunts were trying to get her to lay back down, but now she was really animated and began saying how she always wanted to help children learn to read and that as soon as she was feeling better she was going to do that. In that moment her life seemed to hold more promise than it has in the last six years. As if I had done my part she reminded me that I had spent more time with her today than I have in 30 years. (That was sad but true and she couldn't resist) She told me to go home and that she was going to be just fine. They are giving her a couple pints of blood tonight because she is anemic and has had some internal bleeding. I offered to bring tiger blood if she really wants a kick. (Kidding, of course)

I feel such a peacefulness with the whole situation. Whether she lives or dies, I feel that our lives are unfolding as they should, and that is a radical change for me. If she chooses to leave this world, then I know she will have had her reasons. More than 20 years ago, when she was in that near fatal car crash with the semi, I couldn't visit her in the hospital. She was my mother, and I couldn't bear to see her in such pain. She has never let me live that down and to this day will make remarks about my lack of love for her being so vast that I wouldn't even come see her when she was dying. Today there was no apprehension and even when I walked in on what would easily be described as a horrifying scene, I felt perfectly as ease.

I often muse over the fact that I don't "recognize" you from "before". So many people I feel I've shared life times of unresolved issues with. We just keep doing it over and over until we get it right. With you there is a break with the past. I have almost no concern for the future. If there is a Heaven, I am living it now. Love Always, Carole

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.