Lots of Voices In My Head And Their Voices Are Different

Carole writes Howie 3/25/03:

Dear Howie, Note to self: The hair dryer will defrost a baked potato, but if you turn it on high you will spend the rest of the night scraping the flaky fish off the walls and ceiling of the bathroom.

This morning I woke up startled that you were not there. That lasted about a minute until I fully awakened and remembered why. Then I felt lonely and decided to stay with that a moment and to then take it a step further: What if I had seen you for the last time? How would I feel about that? I thought about how I had felt about that the day after Richard, Alan, Peter and Jay and how relieved I was that it was finally over. I even feel that way, to a certain extent, about Don. It has the weirdness of not being over, but from the standpoint of my life ever being about him, it is over and thankfully so.

There was nothing in me that would celebrate not having you in my life. There was nothing that said to me it would allow an opportunity for something better. That probably sounds strange, but even as much as I have taken on the responsibility for caring for others, and made their needs my needs, I always felt that my life would be easier without them. You make my life easier. You bring an element of security and stability that transcends any earthly issue. You give me a sense of peace.

It is a lasting sense of tranquility that exceeds time and space. As I held the question in my mind of how I would cope without you, I realized that having known you, having just known that you even existed on some ethereal plane, has been enough to make my life infinity better for all time. If I were never to see or touch you again, I would feel sadness at that deprivation, but would still be able to carry on great joy with just the experience of having known a spirit of your caliber. Having joined with your soul, I will always know you as a part of me, and will always find comfort in that union. Don't get me wrong, the bed behind me is looking REALLY empty, but the good news is that I am not freaked out by that.

I was rushed all morning and never did get to properly say good-bye, but I told myself that I would have time tonight to do that. How typical of me to think myself indestructible. The approach to Atlanta was the absolute worst I have ever experienced, including all of my own lousy landings. I was sure the pilot had never landed a plane before and as it lurched and nose dived I thought how

careless I had been in not taking the time to tell you how I felt before getting on that plane. What if I had never been given this opportunity to tell you what a tremendous impact you have made on me? I am always so overwhelmed with love and admiration for you, but I bite my tongue to keep from saying so, because I feel your discomfort when I do. I hear the uncertainty or the lack of ease in your voice when you tell me you love me. I am not sure if it is that you then feel you must reply, or if the words conjure up bad memories and association with actions that did not validate the meaning of the words. I am often torn between the desire to tell you how I feel and the need to make you comfortable; and not really knowing how to do that.

I know you love me. You make that abundantly clear in the way you treat me. I don't know how I got off on this tangent, other than to say that I don't know how to tell you I love you without making you uncomfortable. The inspiration for this letter was actually Wahn Penh, Tom and Ana's housekeeper. I was telling Bob about the meeting that you arranged for us with Stephanie and he commented that it must be great that you have all of these wonderfully well connected people in your sphere of influence. I told him that what impressed me more is how much all of these people love you.

I am not surprised that most of them think the world of you, because you really are a remarkable individual, but Wahn Penh caught me by surprise. I only spoke with her briefly but it struck me that she is not a great conversationalist and probably hadn't had the years of long talks into the night with you about her life and her needs and desires, as many of your relationships seem to have. When Ana told her about my love for the animals Wahn Penh pulled her aside and said that you should not bring any other woman to "her house", implying that I lived up to her standards of the type of woman that was good enough for you. While it was nice to be accepted by her, my deepest impression of this statement was that even the Thai housekeeper of your friends' is so enamoured with you that she takes it upon herself to evaluate your potential mates with concern that they will be good for you.

I'm reading Endless Referrals by Bob Burg. I know his face, but can't place where I met him. I got to practice on the people seated next to me on the plane today. The theory is that in networking you don't tell people what you do. You ask them about what they do and how you can help them and then you do whatever you can to assist them. By doing that, with no expectation of reciprocation, people come to trust you and, if you prove yourself valuable to them, will eventually try to learn how they can help you. I found this interesting because I have always thought that it was considered rude to ask a person, especially one of the opposite sex, what they do for a living or anything about their personal life or beliefs. So many people comment on my candid manner, that I have come to expect that most people are more guarded in their answers and must be that way because they are not comfortable divulging such information.

I often don't ask you things because I feel that if you think it is any of my business you will tell me. Saying that out loud just makes it more apparent how silly that assumption is, given the nature of the things I wonder about. How would you ever guess? Two things, totally unrelated that I wonder about a lot, I am going to ask. If you don't want to respond, just say so, or ignore me. If now is not a good time, that is fine too. I am going to step out on a limb and assume that you won't find it rude.

It seems you have compiled a mental list of traits that you didn't want in a mate. The exchange between you and Mary and Lewis Key the other night indicated that you have well defined ideas of what you want and don't want in a woman. I would expect (because I do this myself) that you are sitting back to see what I would ordinarily do without your input so that you have an unfiltered impression of who I really am. Once you are comfortable with your observation and certain that you know my essence, I would like to know every detail of what you want. You have kindly asked me to just be myself, and that is easy enough, perhaps too easy.

You mentioned that sometimes my tone is different. Some people say I have a different accent or speech pattern. My gut level reaction to that was to think it is because I can be whoever you need me to be. It just sounded a little more bizarre to say it than I wanted to deal with just then. By letter I can deal with bizarre better because I can delete what would, in person, have been incessant rambling to try and verbalize what is in my head. My obligation to God will always guide me to be the best kind of person that I know how to be, but within that parameter, I would like to know how to best please you.

My other question is: What would you do with your business if you knew that it couldn't fail? Is there anything that you wished you could do more of, or that you would like to try, that you haven't done because you weren't sure it was economically the best choice? My greatest curiosity about people is in what motivates them. There are lots of hard ways to try and ascertain such information, but if the direct approach does not offend you then I would really like to know.

I hope your meetings in Orlando went well and that your visit with friends was pleasant. It is way past my bed time, so I will probably sleep well. If I dream of you, then all the better. I hope your dreams are sweet and your sleep is deep and refreshing. I don't know what the hours are for this thing tomorrow, but will check in tomorrow night, if not before. Loving you, Carole

(I’m entering these letters from those I had filed away, but am finding many of the responses by Howie to be missing from my collection. If I ever find them; I’ll include them.)

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.