I Write Howie from TAOS Meeting

Dear Howie, Sunday: I may not get to send this until I get back to the airport, because pay phones are the only kind they have here in Menucha. My cell phone doesn't ring when you call, and I just figured out how to retrieve messages, long distance on it this morning. I am distressed at the conference attendance thus far. There were only 15 people here last night compared to well over a 100 at last year's conference. Of the ones I talked to, three were not members and had no animals in their care, one had rescued 1 cow, and one had 4 chimps. Jan, who I love dearly and admire for all her years of dedication to domestic animal rescue, informed me that the life was just too tough and after spending 3 weeks in Fiji, she realized that this wasn't worth sacrificing her life for, and was going to throw in the towel. I haven't had time to talk to Craig about his leaving as Director, but I think that has a lot to do with the overwhelming feeling of despair in this group.

I started getting down and feeling pressured at that last thought and looked out the window. My cabin has 3 beds and one is out in a bay window with breathtaking views of majestic trees in every direction. It was clear when the sun came up, but a mist is now rolling in and looks more Hollywood dramatic than real. How strange. How appropriate. This is a magical setting. The countryside is so lush and the landscape is awe inspiring, but this little camp is captivating. If you were here, I might never go home. The road in wound round and round the mountain giving me the feeling that I was being drawn deep inside the womb of Mother Nature. When the cabins came into sight, they were surrounded by trees that were laden with bright pink and white blossoms. The flowers that surrounded them, that dotted the grassy slopes and that clung to the stone steps and ledges could only cry out in weak competition. It reminds me of Costa Rica where everything is so full of life, except that I don't see squirrels nor do I hear birds. It's too freakin' cold.

The shuttle driver for the 30 minute drive from Portland to the wilderness was a tiny little immigrant from Katmandu named Delipe. He told me he is the richest immigrant in America because he lives in the most beautiful place in the world and has seen more of America than most of her native inhabitants. He drives things and people from NY to Seattle and has settled in Portland for the past 4 years giving tours and running shuttle services. Every free moment he spends in search of some beautiful place he has never seen before. His enthusiasm was contagious. He was just astounded at all of the opportunity we Americans let pass us by. I asked if he thought it is because of him being an immigrant that makes him more keenly aware of the possibilities and he said he thinks it is more of an individual thing. He said he was the richest man in Nepal too, because he knew how to enjoy himself every day.

On the plane from Atlanta to Salt Lake City I sat next to Mike Basile who is the CFO for Great Harvest Bread Company. It was interesting to hear his version of what is happening since Nido Qubein took over the company. Mike has been with the company for 7 years and really loved Pete and Laura Wakeman. He and the COO and some of the other 30 employees had tried to buy the company, but were outbid by Qubein and his partner (whose name escapes me at the moment). The COO McMakin quit and the company was stunned initially and fearful that the hippie style management they had come to embrace would be dramatically changed by this "big city, buttoned down, motivational speaker". To Qubein's credit, he didn't try to change something that was already working so well and eventually earned the respect of the management team. Mike really likes him and got a kick out of hearing how fondly Qubein spoke of the company when he spoke to us a few weeks ago. There is a store opening in Tampa in July and he gave me the owner's name so that I can contact them about doing a cross promotion with them. Many of their stores have a Baker's Day where the proceeds are given to charity. If we become their local charity, we can offer them tour passes to give away to their customers. It's not a big thing, but every little relationship counts.

I finished the book "How To Be a Great Communicator" on the plane and wrote two articles for the animal magazines from it. This sort of setting, with no phones, no T.V.s, no radios, no people and NO distractions is wonderful for that kind of creativity. I wish I were better at writing as it is something I could really enjoy doing for a living. Speaking of doing something for a living; thank you for letting me know you found my assets. I woke up thinking that I have slept in parking lots that were more comfortable than this bed. Then I was aware that my feet were on the radiator and were the only part of my body that wasn't frozen stiff. There was no scent of coffee in the air and when I managed to roll over, I hit a wall, not the warmth of your body. Already off to a really bad start, the next thought in my mind was that transferring my mother's Notesmith program into excel and trying to recreate the spread sheet was going to be a task of nightmarish proportions. I use that as a weekly to monthly guide to make sure that I am staying on track and recovering, as I should. I was so relieved to get your message saying that the information had not been lost.

I wrote a poem to you about the proposal and all of the fear and anxiety that went into asking you to marry me. I had not sent it, because I feel the subject is a little weird for both of us still, and now realize that it too was lost. I could probably relive all of those emotions, but don't know that I really want to. I am happy with the way things are and enjoying every moment with you. In stark contrast, I am really NOT enjoying these moments away from you. Enough whining. I am going to do some work on the Business Plan, (if I can get my mind off you for an hour or so).

Sunday evening: I called Jamie to check in and she said our volunteer in Chicago who now runs her own sanctuary for displaced fawns had called about a pet bobcat that had been relinquished to her and had not eaten for two days. Cats really hate being abandoned, despite their bravado, and will not eat for a couple of weeks out of depression. In response to Lynda's asking if the cat was in danger of dying, Jamie, in her typically concise way said, "I told her: Minutes without air, days without water and weeks without food, but that if she emailed you, you would expound upon that" .

I had forgotten that I told Jamie I would leave the alarm off, so when she went to feed the cats she set it off because she doesn't have the code. She said she could just see her and Daniel sitting in prison until I get home on Tuesday because she can't prove she is related to me and the only two people she knows who have the code are both out of town and unreachable. Brinks called the house and she explained the situation to them and much to my amazement, they shut off the alarm remotely and did not send the police. They left a message on my cell and on Jamie's home phone (as it was a listed contact #) saying there had been an alarm. She said her voice was shaking so bad that they must have believed her. In all of the excitement, the cats didn't get wet food, so armed with the code she is going back to the island to feed them tonight.

Today's sessions were worth the trip here. Most of it was stuff I knew or expected, but it was validating to see others who are more financially successful saying that it worked for them. Farm Sanctuary has a 3.2 million dollar annual budget and says the #1 method for reaching that goal is direct mail. We have never done that. The expert everyone uses was one of the speakers today and I had his contact info to call him, but was waiting to develop a more compelling piece of literature before attempting it. There is only about a 1% return on what can run 500.00 @ 1000, but it is deemed by Farm Sanctuary and Wildlife Rescue (they rehab 7000 animals each year) to be the greatest investment they make into growing their membership and resulting funds.

Well, wonders never cease! Lynn Cuny, Founder of Wildlife Rescue in San Antonio came up to me during dinner and said that she would take our single female Lemur. I went into my diatribe over how much I spend on vet bills for those danged Lemurs tearing each other up and she said they are enclosing 5 acres and letting them run wild and that she would be happy to take all of mine if I wanted her to. I asked what I could do for her and she said just get them there. When I explained that she was doing me a HUGE favour, and that I would be happy to take any problem cats she had, she said that if she had a cat call she would ask me to take it. Sending the Lemurs to Texas would be better for them and would free up 6 cages that could take small cats, perhaps even the Sand Cats. That would move them out of the lion and tiger area and allow another big cat-a-tat or two there. That would eliminate 13 omnivores from our feeding route and eliminate the USDA requirements of daily enrichment because of them being primates. It would free up cage space, food requirements, volunteer and staff time and paperwork.

Lynn has always been rather self righteous with me because she doesn't think we should be open to the public so she really caught me off guard when she came up to me privately a little later and said, "I have always wanted to tell you, but never had a moment that was opportune; I think you are just the prettiest woman I have ever met. You are so feminine and so graceful and you always look so, well, just so pretty!"

Monday: Today's topics were most heated around the issue of sending a consistent message. Everyone here agreed that we should not serve dead animals as food to guests at our sanctuary sponsored functions, but that was only because all of the big cat and wolf groups chose not to attend this year after months of heated debate on the subject via email.

The other hot button is whether or not we should allow human interaction with the animals in our care, and if we do, what message that sends. The farm people generally accept that it's okay for people to hug a pig, but that it sends the wrong message for people to pet a bobcat and yet the issue is the same in both worlds: If people touch them and fall in love with them, will they want one as a pet? There is a much bigger problem with people owning potbellied pigs than bobcats. We never did resolve that one and just agreed to disagree for now.

We also discussed how to run a sanctuary and have a life and most of the sanctuary owners are single women with no social life. The few who have mates said how much it helped just to have someone to lean on from time to time who understood their passion, even if they didn't share it. The overall message was that we can be much more creative and productive if we can take time away to regenerate.

I brought up the issue of a run away board getting off track and doing things that were easier, but not the best choices for the animals. It was suggested that the by laws be written well enough to insure the board cannot get too far off track. This is where life gets really weird.

The next portion was closed to only the 4 (of 6) TAOS Board members and the 7 present accredited facilities. The term is up for four of the board members in June and Craig is leaving as President. The economy has hit TAOS hard and they have dropped from 100k per year to 35k per year to support the President and the operation. They asked for our input as to what we felt should be TAOS' focus during this lean time and how we could suggest ways to help it to that end. I said that I appreciated them coming to us with this problem and that perhaps each of the 52 accredited members could promote them better knowing that they are facing hard times. Lynn (the original founder of TAOS and one of the board who is remaining this year) asked if I would sit on the board. I said, "no".

Afterwards I came up to her privately and thanked her for honouring me but reminded her that because we are open to the public and allow interaction, we don't even qualify as accredited members under their new guidelines and that for me to sit on the board just exposes TAOS to attack. I told her I deeply believe in what TAOS is doing and that I will do all I can to see it succeed, because it is very much needed, but that for me to do so in any formal capacity would be a detriment to the cause. Lynn said it is that very attitude that caused her to ask me publicly because I am the only person in the room that isn't looking for how I can benefit, but rather, how I can help. I cried.

Some of these issues are so frustrating. I can't close to the public because that is how our cats get fed. Even if I could, I am not sure I would, because I believe that people are moved to make a difference when they connect to an animal. Lynn obviously is able to feed her animals and educate the public without the exposure, but I have no way to measure the efficacy of our approaches against each other. In jest I told her that the only benefit to me sitting on the board with her would be as an example to all of the factions that any of us can get along if Lynn and Carole can sit at the same table and not pull each other's hair out.

I joined TAOS for both selfish and altruistic reasons. The selfish reason was to help us establish credibility and to align ourselves with an organization capable of changing laws. In it's current state of ill health, TAOS cannot perform either of the functions that I need. The alternative is to seek accreditation by the American Zoological Association AZA because with its 2000 members and multi million-dollar budget, augmented by Disney, it can propose legislation to prevent private ownership of exotic cats. AZA's reason for doing it is to eliminate the competition so that they will be the only breeders and exhibitors in town, but frankly, I don't care how selfish their reasons are if it gets the job done. The only reason AZA is willing to accredit a place like mine is that they need places to dump last year's babies that are AZA accredited so as to fend off the animal rights groups.

They denied us two years ago and stated their reasons as being we didn't have enough paid staff, we allowed unsupervised contact with our cats and they hadn't known us long enough. They have never passed anyone the first time anyway, I am told. They asked me to reapply. The only outstanding issue is the paid vs. volunteer staff. I feel certain they would approve us this time, but don't know how long we could stay within the fold when they realize they can't dump their animals here. I don't know if our annual dues of 1000.00 would be worth enough to them to let us be of no use. I have always wanted to infiltrate them with our message of compassion and respect for all life and persuade them by our good example. Our volunteers have done that through the American Association of Zoo Keepers AAZK and Anissa and Brian are the local chapters President and Secretary.

This seems to me to be a matter of ethics, or perceived ethics. What would you do?

Jamie always has to make tough decisions when I am away. One of our Bengal Cats, Atlas, who runs loose at Easy Street and is a big favourite of the volunteers, was just diagnosed with FIV. The vet biopsied a tumor and told Jamie that if it is cancerous she should euthanize him and if it's not he has to spend the rest of his life in a cage, under quarantine. Atlas came from a breeding facility where he was kept in a very small cage and he hates being caged. Jamie has the luxury of being able to wait until the biopsy comes back in 5 days to make that decision of whether or not to kill an animal rather than cage it. I will be back by then, but it really bums her out when she has to deal with these issues. She had to put Venus the black leopard down the last time I went anywhere. It is more than how she and the cat feels about it, but also includes how she can relate to all of the differing opinions of the volunteers who aren't dedicated enough to take him home with them, but who will insist any life is better than no life. These choices never get any easier.

The conference is definitely over at noon tomorrow and I will head back to the airport to see if I can get on standby. I have to be out of the room by 10:00 am anyway and it is too cold for me to hang out here. I was flying and driving for 10 hours to get here so even under optimal circumstances I couldn't expect to be home before 1:00 am on Wednesday. I only live 5 miles or so from the airport, so I will call a cab.

I have spent more time staring at trees and thinking in the last few days than I have in the last few years. Make that decades. Through it all I just keep lifting prayers of thanks to God for allowing me this luxury of spending time with you. I have to wipe away the tears whenever I stop and think about how happy you make me. Because of your discomfort with the words, I just can't tell you enough how much you mean to me and even if you could stand to hear it, I couldn't say it enough. I don't know how to show it enough either. - Carole

Howie Is My Rock

Tuesday Morning 6:00 am

I awoke from a dream about you and before even rolling out of bed; I wanted to capture every detail. I was a dandelion on the top of a grassy knoll. The wind was cold and blustery and just seemed to come from every direction. My head (ego) was so disproportionately large for my frail little stem (backbone or ability) that the gusts were knocking my big, yellow, flower head into the grass. Every time I managed to lean into the wind and take a look out from my vantage point on the knoll, however, I felt privileged to have this vantage point from which I could see the mountains in the distance, the lakes and the expanse of beauty in every direction.

As I looked down the mountainside I saw clusters of dandelions, daisies, roses, irises, lilies and other beautiful flowers that I couldn't name. Because they were in large, closely knit groups, they were only slightly swaying in the breeze. I still felt it was worth it to stand up here alone, just for the view.

Behind me, as if the wind blew away the dust, a rock arose. The rock (you) came right up behind me. At first, I feared, that the wind would smash my head against the rock and that would be the end of me. Instead the rock blocked the wind and sheltered me. As the wind pressed in on me from the unsheltered side, I could just lean back against the rock until the gale had passed. In moments of stillness, I could stretch out and see the future because I felt deeply rooted beneath the rock and safe from any storm. Thank you for being my rock. With Love, Carole

Howie writes Carole: The dandelion dream is just beautiful. I don't always feel like much of a rock, but loved the story, and very beautifully written. I'm very sorry you lost the poem. I hope you find it. I love your poems. Your the best darn lookin' dandelion I ever saw!

I took the personality test. My highest score was Helper, followed by Achiever, then Loyalist and Challenger. Not sure how this Wing and Integration stuff works. I agonized over a few questions because it can depend so much on how I feel that day. That variation has been a considerable source of aggravation for me. - The rock

Thank you for taking the time to do this. I am so pleased with the results. Part of the variation you mentioned is inherent in the personality types. A 2 will "go to 8" under stress and will "go to 4" when relaxed. The three is your wing. The 3 goes to 6 when relaxed so your score made perfect sense, even if this sentence doesn't.

2s are nurturers and caregivers and pretty easy going unless someone emperils the subject of the 2s nurturing. Then the 2 becomes more like an 8 and can be a frightful opponent. 8s believe in fairness and protecting the underdog. When the 2 is happy and feeling content they become more like 4s and are very creative. Your wing is that of the classic over achieving 3, but when the 3 is at it's best it becomes more like the 6 and is also very loyal. The combination really describes you well.

You are loving and giving, protective, loyal and you do your best for the people in your life. What more could anyone want? I am so happy! - Carole

I just told my mother to ask the tenants in the house up front to move within the next 3 months. I had offered them use of the house for 1 year while they found one to buy (she is a realtor and her mother is a broker) at a reduced rate of 500.00 per mo. because I like their kids. They have been there two years and show no sign of wanting to move. I told Jamie and Daniel they can then move in there and we will use their house at Easy Street for the gift shop, conference center and offices and transform the current gift shop into an office for Anissa and the Education center. Whether we move or stay really doesn't matter as far as moving Jamie and Daniel because they have wanted off the property and shouldn't be putting so much money to make their house livable, when the one up front would more than meet their needs. I am just telling you because they would be our new neighbors. They would have their own pool, so we probably wouldn't see them, except on the tennis court.