Howie Tells Me He Loves Me

This is an email to Alex Petrilak, Jen and ? at ICC and copying me. I had hired them with the last $20k I had after 9/11/2001 had caused the sanctuary funding to crash. I could feed the cats for a week, or I could hire someone to help me figure out how to save us. Obviously we had been working on the results from their SWOT session (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) for a while before I met Howie and their suggestions were that I move and hire a fundraiser (ie: them).

Hi, I had hoped to spend much more time than I have been able to getting familiar with the WOES situation, so am not where I would have liked to be, but suggested meeting tomorrow anyway rather than delay. I may send you some other stuff later today but wanted to get a few thoughts to you in time for you to have a chance to be thinking about them if you can.

The two things I'd like to see addressed tomorrow are the big issues of (1) the move and (2) the staffing.

The Move Decision: On the issue of moving, I mentioned to Jen when we had time after the last meeting that when the three of us had lunch, the list of reasons that Alex was able to articulate so well seemed pretty overwhelming, but when I talk with Carole two things happen. Some of the hurdles seem not as clear or compelling, and the negatives associated with a move appear to become quite overwhelming. Attached is a document in which Carole just tried to write out thoughts and list the issues related to moving. I had hoped to a little bit of organizing and clarifying before we met but am not likely to get to it. But I think as it is it serves the purpose of getting on paper where her head is at and giving us a list of points to go through, so am sending it to you in raw form with her permission.

The biggest concerns I have from what I have read and discussed are (a) whether there really is a financial scenario for moving that is feasible, i.e. is a move really possible even if it were the best decision and (b) the risk associated with tour volume, the main source of income if I understand correctly, dropping in a more remote location.

The Staffing: I think it would be helpful to hash through this a bit. Carole met last week with the existing staff in an effort to work them into roles more like those described in the draft. I sat in as an observer only. I think it would be very helpful to hear your thoughts on how Carole is to deal with the existing personnel, who do not necessarily fit in the proposed roles. I also wonder how one gets an experienced fund raiser and marketer, or even an inexperienced one, who is any good to work for a $15k base. May depend on how you envision bonus being structured, but I'd like to understand this better. Separate is the issue of how to fund an increase in payroll. I think there was conversation about doing this gradually. Not sure if the feeling is that adding one of these could generate incremental revenue that would pay for that person before another was added.

Self Sufficiency: The other thing on my mind is whether you found in your look at the "industry" that there were sanctuaries that are self sufficient and if so if there is anything that characterized those versus ones that are not or who have failed. Not sure if that came up. Forgive me if that is in plan - did read through weeks ago but have not gotten to fully reread.

I think if nothing else tomorrow we need to either reach a decision on the move, or identify exactly what we need to know that we do not currently know in order to make that decision. Carole raises some, maybe all, of these questions in her document. For instance, do we really know she could not build there, or can we work on the hurdles that stand in the way if we could make proper approaches to the right people? Or, under what circumstances, if any, could she actually be forced to leave or shut down against her will, or does she have the right to stay there as a sanctuary by virtue of being grand fathered in, or by other land use principles or law.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing you both tomorrow. I hope this is helpful. I know some of this may be territory that has been already tread on a lot in your work with Carole and I arrive late to the party. But to the extent that there is either not a consensus among the three of you or Carole seems unclear on the path, the issues remain open by definition, and they seem like critical threshold issues to resolve and one cannot write a document without reaching closure on them. I don't mean to be butting in or slowing you down, although I may have had that effect, but rather to help reach that closure if I can. Howie

Note to self at 3:00 am. Copy WUSF CD to VHS (duh!)

Dear Howie, Thank you for all the work and thought you have put into this. You keep second guessing your ability to be of help, but I can tell you that just the fact that you understand and care about the things that I have to deal with is of enormous help and comfort to me.

Your chart of funding needs was so typically concise. I had to smile when I opened it. You have an uncanny ability to bring order from chaos. I really liked the rewording of the mission statement as well. Something that has plagued me in coming up with one is that for it to be effective we all have to be able to remember it. To do that requires reading and re reading it over and over. Whatever we dwell on becomes our reality. For that reason, I have been hesitant to use words like abuse, neglect etc., just because of the negativity. For the person reading it the first time however, it is essential that they see the picture and those words paint it best. By adding the first sentence we create a positive mission that everyone can repeat in a one sentence fashion. The rest of the paragraph spells out what we mean by that.

Wildlife On Easy Street's mission is to promote compassion. We are dedicated to ending the abuse, neglect, abandonment, slaughter and extinction of wild animals by maintaining the largest exotic cat sanctuary in the world for rescuing wild cats from such circumstances and using that facility to educate adults and children about the plight of these animals in a way that will change individual behavior and create general support for the broader efforts that are needed to end practices that lead to these conditions. It is our larger hope that by teaching humans to treat these animals with love, respect and compassion that these traits will carry over to the way we treat each other, making the world a better place for all of its inhabitants. - Carole

9:16 am Howie to Carole:

Sometimes out of nowhere in the middle of doing something I feel this warm wave literally pass through my body and it’s as if you have snuck up behind me and put your arms around me. It happened just now as I hung up the phone from scheduling a tennis game. It is a feeling of absolute and total peace that literally passes through me in a wave and makes my eyes water. I realized just now that the only place I have read of anything that could describe this feeling is in the reports of people who have experienced brief death, like on the operating table, and have returned. It is the description they usually give of what they are feeling the moment they leave their bodies and reconnect with the Universe, or if they are religious with God or Jesus.

I love you very, very much. And each time I think I can't possibly feel more, a day comes that proves me wrong. I better hit send quick. :-)

Dear Howie, I heard that theme from the Twilight Zone when I read your message and scrolled back up to see the time stamp. I finished my tennis lesson at about 10 minutes after 9 and was walking back to the truck. I felt an urgency to connect with you and even went so far as to pick up the phone to call you, because I just had to tell you, "I love you!". I am so filled with love and adoration of you and I have the hardest time trying not to say so. I just stood there, for what could easily have been five minutes, fighting the overwhelming desire to tell you how I feel.

The only way to ease the frustration was to remind myself that showing you love in a way that you can fully enjoy means not giving in to my own selfish needs of verbally expressing myself. I felt so connected to you at that moment and was able to ride that "wave" the rest of the way home. Your aversion to the words has created a challenge for me, but the end result of being able to connect with you on such an intimate level is a reward that I otherwise might never have known. When I connect with you, it feels as though I have connected with ALL that is good.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. My immediate family was not verbally expressive. My grandparents were. Being shuffled back and forth I came to know where it was appropriate to say I cared, and where it was not. I have always experienced feeling more loved in an environment where it was both spoken and shown. As much as I would like to say that I don’t need to hear it from you, I am always touched to the point of tears when you do say that you love me. Today was a special gift in that way from you and I really appreciate it. Besides, it gives me the opportunity to say, “I love you, too!” Love, Carole

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.