Jamie and Daniel have broken up

It is Christmas day and it is raining. It has been raining for days. Jamie and Daniel have broken up and she is so sad. My heart breaks for her. Howie is wonderful and we are going to my parents home in a few minutes to exchange gifts. Howie sent me this letter that he wrote to a volunteer and I was so impressed with it that I include it below as a testament to who he is:

Below is FYI, since Diane responded to you as well, so you know what she was responding to. Obviously not for forwarding to anyone else. But the concepts may be of some use in reinforcing your points with Daniel/Scott. It may not hurt to point out to them (I would do in person not email) that Diane is willing to accept your promise that their behavior will change, and you will be extremely upset if you hear it has not. It might also be worth pointing that as a general rule sarcasm and humor that pokes fun are dangerous, can easily get out of hand, and are contagious. The culture of an organization tends to reflect the behavior of the leader(s). If the leaders talk about people behind their backs, gossip becomes the culture. If they discourage people from doing it, the norm drifts more in that direction. Even if Scott and Daniel use sarcasm or poke fun in a limited way that might not cross the line, others who pick up that behavior will not necessarily do so. Just a few thoughts for ya.

Howie’s email to Diane

I would just like to offer a couple of additional thoughts if I may. They may not appeal to you, and that is up to you, but please understand I offer them with good intent and from caring. What you reported to Carole really pained us both and she has made a considerable effort to act on it. Words said and actions done can never be taken back. So the question becomes what does one do after being hurt by someone's words or actions.

It is hard to know what motivates human behavior. Sadly, we are subject to so many forces including how we were treated growing up, etc. And many things we associate with the behavior of children, like acting out to get attention or being mean to each other, we see in adults. And the brilliant minds that have devoted themselves to the study of psychology have come up with diametrically opposed theories about this, leaving it pretty much a mystery.

And if I can continue to "wax philosophical" (perhaps motivated by the holiday season), if what motivates human behavior is a mystery, then how much more lost are we in figuring out the big question of why we are here at all. Just like psychologists differ so in explaining human behavior, so many religions offer conflicting answers.

Personally, I think that in some way our "journey" here as a soul is to learn and grow, and perhaps when the occasion arises to help others grow. I think that growth could be viewed in sort of a chart with a bar for each way in which we might grow, such as career, or in a talent we have. And among those is how we treat other people.

In my own case, I have found change is possible. And sometimes the lesson comes gradually, other times from a defining moment. For instance, as a youngster I had a very bad temper. I recall punching a hole in my bedroom wall. I would get mad at myself for poor performance, like in tennis. Then one day in junior high school I played against someone who made my temper look mild. After all kinds of antics that I could see were turning off everyone watching, he so lost it that he threw his racket wildly and while not intending to throw it at me, it whistled by my head. It was like Scrooge seeing himself. Watching him, I realized what I looked like when I got mad and resolved to change my behavior.

About 15 years later I was a junior partner in a furniture business. I had a horrible day solving problems created by the total stupidity of two of our truck drivers, who then returned very late and backed the delivery truck right into the front of my almost new van. The boss had listened to my frustrating day and watched through the window as I dealt with the accident. When I walked back into the store he had this baffled look on his face and I asked him what was wrong. He just shook his head bewildered and said "Don't you EVER get mad?". I took it as quite a compliment given my resolution of years before. And of course, I do occasionally get mad. But I don't throw tennis racquets.

I've also had the experience of having had a very sarcastic sense of humor as a young man, or what I thought was humor. More gradually, through feedback from people I cared about and who took the step to express their feelings, I learned that beyond a very limited amount it was not appreciated. I've worked to eliminate the pure sarcasm. I still tend to have a "teasing" element, but even then I try to avoid it with anyone who I manage to perceive does not appreciate it, and also try not to use it too often. More like a spice than a major ingredient.

Anyway, I did not tend to write an autobiography here. What I am getting at is that I've had the experience of behaving, for whatever reason, in a way that I later realized was undesirable and possibly hurtful although I did not perceive that when doing it. I have also had the experience of having other people treat me poorly. There was a fellow who came to work with me at Citicorp who initially behaved in a very inconsiderate, non team player way particularly toward me. Our office had a great camaraderie and his behavior was inconsistent and I felt could really damage it. I learned that he had come from an office where the culture was competitive and back stabbing. To make a long story short, he and I had a long talk and he changed his behavior and became a friend I still know today.

Carole has very emphatically charged Scott and Daniel with changing their behavior. I realize I am not the person Daniel has demeaned, so I do not carry the hurt, and a course of action that I think has value may be hard for you. But I think there is a great potential benefit to the entire volunteer program, and therefore to the cats, if the courage you showed in presenting your feelings to Carole leads to Scott growing as a manager and leader and fosters him promoting a culture that avoids the volunteers in the future experiencing what you have. As for Daniel, I don't know if you can look past the injury and take some satisfaction in possibly helping him grow. I don't know what motivates this aspect of his behavior. I have the impression that he came from a rather dysfunctional family situation, and I wonder if some of it is a way to get attention, or alternatively to elevate his own self esteem by "putting someone else down", which is sadly a common human behavior in many ways.

What I do think though is that Carole's effort to change their behavior, which could benefit both the sanctuary (and by that of course I mean the cats, since that is what we do this for), and the two individuals in terms of personal growth, becomes pointless and doomed if because of the hurt you feel you are not able to give them a chance to show they can.

I am not at all sure if they can change their behavior. Old habits are hard to change. But if they try and fail because you are unable to let them succeed, then the lesson they learn is to never try because it will not work.

It may be more than is fair to ask of you, but in what I perceive to be the interest of the cats, I'd like to just suggest that you see if you can give them the chance. If they fail, the risk is incremental hurt and you may not be up to that risk. But if they succeed, there could be huge benefits to all the volunteers in the future. I have the impression we have lost good people in the past because of this kind of thing. This could be a chance to turn that around. It may not work, but it is a chance. So I would only ask that you give it some thought.

And of course, another very significant benefit if it did go well, which I point out selfishly, is the ability to have you continue all you do so well and hopefully enjoy and find the satisfaction again in doing it.

I am not a very "religious" person in the way of attending services, but I believe strongly in certain religious concepts. Forgiveness is one of the toughest to implement, but I think that may be what makes it valuable. I have not been hurt by Daniel, but I've been hurt by others. And I try to view forgiving as one of those opportunities to grow.

I probably would not have spent this evening writing this, but the Christmas music I was playing and holiday spirit just got me thinking about it. Sorry if boring or unhelpful. Thanks for indulging me. And thanks as always for all you have done for the cats, regardless of whether you are able to give these two a chance to redeem themselves. And this is just a personal note. There are no bbc's and it does not require an answer.

I hope your Holiday is in all other respects a wonderful one. I look forward to seeing as much of you as you decide to offer to the cats. - Howard Baskin | Advisory Board Chairman | Big Cat Rescue

Diane ended up leaving Big Cat Rescue and it appears stole our donor records when she left to use as a way of garnering favor with some of the people breeding and dealing in big cats. I was totally surprised at her betrayal.

I've been writing my story since I was able to write, but when the media goes to share it, they only choose the parts that fit their idea of what will generate views. If I'm going to share my story, it should be the whole story. The titles are the dates things happened. If you have any interest in who I really am please start at the beginning of this playlist: http://savethecats.org/

I know there will be people who take things out of context and try to use them to validate their own misconception, but you have access to the whole story. My hope is that others will recognize themselves in my words and have the strength to do what is right for themselves and our shared planet.

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Music (if any) from Epidemic Sound (http://www.epidemicsound.com) This video is for entertainment purposes only and is my opinion.