Life Is Love School: Recent Episodes
Yumay Chang
Are you an adult survivor of childhood trauma? If so, you've come to the right place! We cover how to heal from trauma and Complex PTSD to build a life we love. I am glad you're going on this exciting journey with us! Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
Have you found that you keep attracting narcissists? Narcissists make awful partners, so why do some people get entangled with narcissists over and over again?
In this video, I cover four reasons why this keeps happening and how to repel them for good.
--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Do you have someone in your life whom you love and care deeply for, but being with them makes you miserable? You can't help but wish you could make them change.
If the answer is yes, today's episode is for you.
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Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
"My partner puts me down, and I don't know why."
Is this your reality? If so, you need to know what's behind your partner's belittling behavior and how to deal with it.
In this video, I explain the psychology behind why your partner belittles you and, more importantly, what you need to do to protect yourself.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Being lucky in love isn’t like being struck by lightning — it’s a lot less random (and painful) than we think.
So what's the secret? In this episode, I cover the 5 mindsets that people who are lucky in love all hold so you can use them to supercharge your love life.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
Being lucky in love isn’t like being struck by lightning — it’s a lot less random (and painful) than we think.
So what's the secret? In this episode, I cover the 5 mindsets that people who are lucky in love all hold so you can use them to supercharge your love life.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
If your attachment style is Anxiously Attached, dating is often far from fun. Waiting for text messages, confirming plans, and not knowing where the relationship is going could all trigger deep-seated fear of abandonment and not being good enough.
Besides being stress-inducing, not knowing how to date well means that you can find yourself yet again in a relationship where your needs are not fulfilled.
But it doesn't have to be like this; dating can be light, fun, and you can find someone to build a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with.
In this episode, I cover 3 crucial mindsets to have if you want to date well as someone who is Anxiously Attached.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
Do you tend to choose partners that don't want as much intimacy as you or the reverse?
Are you tired of drama-filled, push-pull relationships?
I hear you. Relationships with insecure partners are difficult because of their unpredictability.
If you feel like you're always chasing a partner or being chased, you might be caught in the "anxious-avoidant trap."
If you want to learn how to break the chase-run cycle to have a more fulfilling relationship with your partner, this episode is for you.
I go through how the cycle starts and what you can do to direct the relationship to a healthy path.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
People often ask me what they can do to stop feeling insecure and improve their confidence.
But the curious thing is…
Self-confidence is more about what you should stop doing than what you need to do.
In this episode, I cover 6 things you want to avoid doing if you want to be confident.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
Emotional trauma, whether it's abuse or a painful event, can leave you struggling with difficult emotions, memories, and flashbacks that won't go away.
If you suffered trauma, it is understandable that you wish to feel better as soon as possible? Luckily, some mindsets can help you speed up recovery, and I cover some of the key ones in this episode.
Stages of Change Poem: https://simpleandpractical.com/stages-change-poem/
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Because of deep-seated insecurity from their past, Anxiously Attached people often can behave in ways that seem desperate, insecure, demanding, possessive, jealous, or controlling toward their partner.
They want their partner's love and approval more than anything, yet their behavior often pushes people away. In this episode, I cover the most common harmful behaviors that Anxiously Attached people do that hurt their relationships and what you can do instead.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Social Media: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschoo
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that affects roughly 1.5% of the population. It impacts the way people think and feel about themselves and those around them. Sufferers often exhibit extreme mood swings, fear of abandonment, self-image issues, and a pattern of unstable relationships.
In this episode, I cover 8 common symptoms of BPD. I respond to every comment, so drop a comment; I'm always interested to know what you find most helpful!
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In relationships, do you oscillate between anxious behaviors like clinginess, jealousy, and keeping score and avoidant behaviors such as withdrawing and ghosting?
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style tend to have either tumultuous relationships filled with ups and downs or very tenuous, distant ones that lack real intimacy or commitment.
If you feel like this might be you, this episode is for you. I share 3 signs to help you ascertain if you might have the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style and, more importantly, how to move towards Secure.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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The Fearful-Avoidant attachment style is rare; only about 2% of people have this as their predominant attachment style.
This style combines the worst features of the Anxious and Dismissive-Avoidant attachment styles and leads to confusing and contradictory behavior in relationships.
You desperately want love, and yet you are also terrified of intimacy. In relationships, you flip-flop, run hot and cold, and you never can relax because you never feel safe.
If this is you, this episode is for you. The good news is, just like any other insecure attachment style, you can heal, and you can move towards Secure Attachment.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is both the rarest and least understood form of attachment style.
This attachment style is generally born out of trauma and is a combination of the preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant styles of insecure attachment.
This episode covers how a fearful-avoidant person sees herself, her worldview, how she shows up in relationships, and why.
Depending on viewer interest, I am happy to do follow-up videos on 1) how to heal from this attachment style and 2) how to manage relationships with someone who has this attachment style.
If you are interested in either topic, drop a comment on YouTube and let me know your preference (it's okay to choose both!).
Comment Here >>> https://www.youtube.com/c/LifeIsLoveSchool/videos
As always, if you would like to accelerate your healing journey, joined me in the TRIBE membership group. In TRIBE, you can ask questions specific to your situation and join us on live calls to interact with the community and me.
If you tend to feel stuck, unsure if you're making the right choice, I think you will benefit a lot from TRIBE. You will be supported by not just me, but an entire community of smart, empowered, and compassionate women.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTOIs there someone in your life that drains your energy every time you spend time with them, but you have trouble letting them go?
Maybe it's a family member, a friend you've known for a long time, or an ex.
No matter who they are, part of you resents them for not respecting you, your time, and your space, yet you are not ready to completely cut off contact for a variety of often very good reasons.
Many people who cannot go no contact with a toxic person choose low contact instead.
Doing low contact well is not easy. In fact, it is often harder than no contact because it requires you to still interface with this toxic person and be mentally strong against their onslaughts, whether it's passive-aggressive behaviors or their attempts to guilt-trip you.
In this episode, I share three key strategies to help you manage low contact like a pro.
This discussion initially came up in our women-only TRIBE membership group. In TRIBE, members bring up issues that trouble them, and we have in-depth discussions to help them think through options, see multiple perspectives, and pick the best path forward.
If you tend to feel stuck, unsure if you're making the right choice, I think you will benefit a lot from TRIBE membership.
You will be supported by not just me, but an entire community of smart, empowered, and compassionate women.
See you on the inside!
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Have you been in a relationship for a while, but it doesn’t seem to be progressing toward marriage?
In this episode, I cover some of the most common reasons people bring up for not marrying you: these reasons are almost always hiding something deeper and what you can do to get to the truth so you can make the right decision for yourself.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
If you've been dating for a while, the topic of whether to move in together will come up. Close to 70% of people cohabitate before marriage, and the number has been rising over the years because people are waiting to marry and rising housing prices.
Some people see living together as a trial for marriage, while others see it as a matter of "why not" when living together confers conveniences and cost savings.
What's interesting is that research shows that divorce rates are higher post the one-year mark for people who cohabitated prior to marriage, and marital quality is lower among those who started living together before engagement or marriage too.
Why is this the case when intuitively, it would seem the opposite should be true?
If you're interested in finding out, check out this episode. I also cover some of the oft-overlooked issues of living together that people forget to consider before calling the moving company.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
If you have the anxious attachment style, there's a high chance that you could misread your partner's behavior as a sign of abandonment.
You get into a vicious cycle in which you have fear and anxiety around loss, make attempts to keep that loved one(s) close, but these attempts make the person want to distance from you, and your fear around loss is confirmed.
If this describes your relationship dynamic, this episode is for you. You'll learn how to skillfully manage abandonment triggers and communicate your needs, so conflicts become an opportunity to bring your partner closer to you instead of driving them away.
Relationships can be challenging if you have insecure attachment styles, but there's no reason to struggle alone!
Join me and fellow women inside TRIBE, where we have discussions on love, boundaries, and how to handle tricky relationship issues.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Are you dating someone with low self-esteem?
We all know that people who have low self-esteem suffer from feeling unlovable and not good enough, but being in a relationship with someone with low self-worth poses unique challenges as well.
Do you know what they are and why?
If you're curious to learn more, this video is for you.
On this note...if you want 2022 to be the year where you make major breakthroughs in relationships, consider joining us inside TRIBE, our women-only membership program.
In TRIBE, you'll not only get my coaching through live zoom calls and digital courses, but you'll also get amazing support through the community of TRIBERS who are also on the growth journey.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
Is there someone you care about that's stuck in a toxic relationship and can't seem to leave?
Maybe they left then went back, and this back and forth happened repeatedly over the years.
You're doing your best to be supportive; you're there to listen to their complaints, to affirm their worth, and to validate that, yes, they are not overreacting.
One day, they seemed to finally "get it." The two of you excitedly hatched a plan for them to leave and build a new life.
You are relieved that their nightmare is finally over.
But your hope is short-lived.
Right before your eyes, in the not-so-distant future, they do a 180 and choose to stay.
They now claim that the relationship isn't as bad as it sounds and that "maybe I should take some blame too."
They might even stop talking to you because you know too much.
You're left wondering what's going on — why are they so stuck when leaving is the obvious choice?
The psychology behind this baffling phenomenon is more complex than it looks.
Learning what it is can help you support this person you care about better and, at a minimum, alleviate some of your frustrations towards their behavior when they don't leave.
This episode covers why people get "stuck" in toxic relationships and the key to getting free.
If you know someone feeling stuck, please share the video with them so they know they are not alone in dealing with these feelings. It will also help them understand that they can feel these feelings and still choose to leave when they are ready.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
TRIBE Women-Only Membership Program: https://bit.ly/Anchor2TRIBE
Free Self-Love PDF: https://bit.ly/Anchor22xOTO
If you've just left a toxic relationship but are struggling emotionally, you are not alone.
Many survivors of toxic relationships are baffled why they still miss their ex when the relationship brought them so much pain. "What is wrong with me?" is a common refrain, often said with much self-blame.
In this episode, I explain why euphoric recall, or the selective remembering of only the good, is a normal and expected part of detaching from a toxic relationship.
I also give you several tips to help you stay calm and strong during this critical period.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Free Self-Love PDF: https://lifeisloveschool.krtra.com/t/fS5TorkWjNXc
TRIBE Women-Only Program: https://www.lifeisloveschool.com/TRIBE
Connect with fellow survivors: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
If you want more intimacy, dating a partner who has the dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be quite painful. Everything seems to be going well, but next thing you know, they are backtracking and pushing you away. The relationship seems to take two steps forever, one step back.
If you are in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner and wish to build more intimacy with them, this video is for you.
Remember: You can't control them, but there are things you can do to stay centered, own your power, and help steer the relationship towards healthy.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Free Self-Love PDF: https://lifeisloveschool.krtra.com/t/fS5TorkWjNXc
Connect with fellow survivors: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
For many people, breaking the people-pleasing pattern and setting boundaries poses a unique challenge during the holidays.
If you were taught that your value lies in how much you do for others, then setting limits or saying no can feel very uncomfortable, and you may find dealing with guilt trippers especially challenging.
But weakness, uncertainty, or wavering signals are to guilt trippers what blood is to a shark.
If you cave or seem frightened, they will become emboldened and bully and manipulate you even more.
If you find dealing with guilt trippers difficult, this episode is for you! I cover why people use guilt trips to coerce compliance and ninja moves to deal with this manipulation.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Free Self-Love PDF: https://lifeisloveschool.krtra.com/t/fS5TorkWjNXc
Connect with fellow survivors: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
The wild world of dating can be a tricky one to navigate. After all, "How to Date" is not a skill they teach you in school, but dating well is essential to your ability to find and keep a great partner.
You might have read books that focus on strategies, and many of these books advocate game playing. If you've tried their tactics, you might see some short-term results in the best case, but things will almost always end up badly in the long run.
In this video, I share 9 common dating mistakes almost everyone who has an insecure attachment style makes, and I cover the mindsets to hold instead if you want to win at the game of dating.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Free Self-Love PDF: https://lifeisloveschool.krtra.com/t/fS5TorkWjNXc
Connect with fellow survivors: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
It isn't always clear when to leave a relationship. How do you know if your partnership can be fixed, or is beyond repair?
Of course, emotional and physical abuse are always signs to leave a relationship. But outside of that, the decision isn't always as easy.
You can get stuck in the decision process because you don't want to make a hasty decision to leave if the relationship is workable. At the same time, you also don't want to waste more time if the situation is hopeless.
In this video, I share a simple framework you can use to help you make a clear decision, so you can march forward with clarity and conviction that you have made the right choice.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Free Self-Love PDF: https://lifeisloveschool.krtra.com/t/fS5TorkWjNXc
Connect with fellow survivors: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
In today's episode, I interview Autumn, TRIBE founding member, mom of four sons, ICU nurse manager, and one of the most courageous, inspiring, and growth-minded people I know.
Autumn and her siblings were forcibly removed from her biological parents when Autumn was just one year old. For the next two years, the system shuttled her to a succession of twelve foster families; the rapid changes meant she could not attach to anyone, and she missed her siblings terribly.
Later, after reuniting with her birth parents, she was molested by a babysitter. Though the adults around her knew what was going on, she was told to keep quiet, and the abuse continued for over a decade until she finally put a stop to it at age 16 by reporting the childcare agency to the authorities herself.
Like many of us that suffered childhood trauma, Autumn later married an abusive man. She felt a lot of guilt towards her sons for not providing them a safe home, and she blamed herself for not being a better mom.
If you suffered trauma in childhood, a toxic marriage, or guilt as a parent, I know Autumn's story will resonate with you. In this episode, Autumn shares:
— How she mustered the courage to leave her abusive ex-husband
— How she dealt with the guilt of letting her kids down
— How her renewed self-esteem empowered her to set boundaries at work
— How she overcame shame through sharing her story
Since she started her healing journey a few years ago, Autumn's life has been transformed. She lost over 100 lbs, built a workout habit, started a new job, and got promoted into a supervisory role managing ICU nurses. But more importantly, her inner transformation inspired her family to evolve with her, and she inspires fellow TRIBE members to grow with her too.
I am personally deeply inspired by Autumn, and I hope her story will give you hope that even though healing is hard work, the effort is absolutely worth it.
One day, you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come and how much better your life has become. There's no shortcut to healing, but you will reap the rewards for all the effort you put in!
If you enjoy videos like this, LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to get notified of upcoming videos. By liking and subscribing, you also help us reach more survivors who need to hear our message of hope and healing.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
If you’re constantly worrying about your partners, feel like they don’t like you as much as you like them, want to see them 24/7, need constant reassurance from them, then you’re probably anxiously attached.
Relationships can be rough for the anxiously attached. There are so many situations in intimate partnerships that can trigger the attachment trauma in an anxiously attached person that many are reluctant to date, and those in relationships are often miserable because of abandonment anxiety. The good news is if you are anxiously attached, not only can you move towards becoming securely attached, but there are specific things you can do today to help yourself be in a healthy relationship.
In this episode, I share 5 tips you need to know to help you find and keep a healthy relationship.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access healing resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
A form of emotional abuse common to many toxic family systems is gaslighting. Experiencing gaslighting in any relationship is damaging, but the effects can be even more devastating when coming from a parent and the gaslighting happened when you were little. Small children unconditionally trust their parents' point of view, so if the parents invalidated how they feel or what they saw or blamed them for things they are not responsible for, the child learned not to trust her own reality and to over-apologize.
Unfortunately, this type of conditioning sets up the child to grow up to become an adult who is vulnerable to similar abuses by others.
Gaslighting is a pernicious form of abuse. Often, it comes on so subtly and slowly that you don't even realize it's happening until it's too late. Getting educated on gaslighting is important so you can catch the early warning signs and stop it in its tracks before the damages are done.
If you suspect you've been a victim of gaslighting, I think you will find this video helpful!
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access healing resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Have you ever wanted to take a risk, whether that's in your love life, your career, or moving to a new place, but fear of failure holds you back from taking that first step?
Children and adults who have experienced childhood trauma have a lower ability to tolerate stress than people who grew up with a normative childhood. Trauma sensitizes the amygdala to threat perception, and fear responses are triggered over time by less and less stress.
Specifically, over 90% of trauma survivors suffer anxiety disorders, with the most prevalent anxiety disorders experienced by survivors being Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Panic Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Social Phobia (or Social Anxiety Disorder).
The underlying feeling of anxiety is fear, and the most common types of fears people experience are:
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Fear of failure
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Fear of the unknown
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Fear of rejection
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Fear of what others think
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Fear of being an embarrassment
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Fear of losing control
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Fear of being trapped
It is not difficult to see how change and doing something new can trigger many of these fears!
In this episode, I share a Q&A I had with a TRIBE member on her question, "How do I overcome the fear of failure?" TRIBE is Life Is Love School's women-only membership program. Besides asking questions in our Live Calls, members also have access to a TRIBE member-only FB group where they can ask the group and me questions anytime.
This question was originally posted in the TRIBE member-only FB group, which I condensed and share in the video with the member's permission. If you find yourself wanting to live to your full potential but struggling with the fear of change and fear of failure, I think you'll find the discussion helpful!
If you enjoy this episode, don’t forget to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE, so you are notified when a new episode is released!
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Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
We often think that our friends and family should have our back, but sometimes they are the ones that pour a bucket of cold water down our heads. In this episode, I answer a question about how to handle the criticism of other people, including those closest to you.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
The dismissive-avoidant is one of the most misunderstood attachment styles. A dismissive-avoidant often show up in relationships as someone who:
- Prefers keeping the connection on the surface-level
- Focuses on sexual intimacy but avoids emotional closeness
- Runs "hot and cold" with their affection
- Pulls away when someone starts getting close
- Resists vulnerability — comes off as ultra independent and emotionally invincible
- May actively sabotage the relationships when things are going well
Many people believe that dismissive-avoidants cannot connect, do not want intimacy, and do not feel pain when a relationship ends. Some even go as far as calling dismissive-avoidants insensitive jerks or equate them with being a narcissist.
However, these characterizations could not be further from the truth.
In this episode, I will dispel the misunderstandings by taking you into the world of the dismissive-avoidant — their childhood, what shaped their relationship view, and their inner voices — so you can get to know them on a deeper level.
Understanding them helps you not only avoid unnecessary relationship pain but dramatically increases your odds of connecting with them in a meaningful way that brings them closer.
If you have a dismissive-avoidant in your life that you would like to connect with, this is an episode you do not want to miss.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Freud coined the term “repetition compulsion” to describe the puzzling phenomenon where an abuse victim repeatedly puts themselves in situations that replicate the distress they experienced in an earlier life.
This might look like:
- You were physically abused as a child, and later your partners were also violent towards you.
- You were abandoned or neglected as a child, and you date people who similar ignore and reject you.
- You grew up as an invisible child, and you end up in adult relationships where you similarly feel unseen and unheard.
This strange compulsion to date abusers continues until the victim notices the patterns and consciously works on healing themselves.
In this episode, I provide 9 reasons to help you understand why childhood abuse survivors tend to get revictimized in adult relationships and provide insights on how you can heal yourself, so you do not get victimized again.
If you enjoy the episode, subscribe so you get notified when new episodes become available!
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
In this episode, I continue from the last episode (Listen to Part I) and cover additional tips for how to date smart so you find a great partner and prevent the common traps that suck survivors into abusive relationships.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
People who suffered childhood abuse tend to do one of two things as adults: isolate to avoid getting hurt again, or turn to toxic individuals who remind them of their abusive caretakers.
Revictimization, the phenomenon where childhood abuse survivors tend to get abused again in adult relationships, is unfortunately common. However, it does not have to be this way.
In this episode and next, I call out common pitfalls that trip many survivors in the dating phase and provide you specific tips you can follow to date smart.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Have you ever been in a toxic or even outright abusive relationship but find it next to impossible to leave? A part of you that knows the relationship is unhealthy and wreaking havoc on your mental health. Still, the idea of leaving is terrifying, maybe even feels impossible because you've tried many times and you went back every time.
Why is it so hard to leave when the relationship causes you so much pain?
If this is ringing a bell, you may have experienced what's called a trauma bond. The biggest problem with trauma bonding is that the victim becomes trapped in a toxic relationship and will not leave.
In this episode, I cover the behavior conditioning trick that animal trainers use to train animals to perform tricks, how the abuser users this same manipulation to control you, and how to break the spell so you can get out.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
When something bad happens, do you automatically think it's your fault?
Many childhood trauma survivors tend to default to self-blame. When you were little, developmentally, you could not see beyond yourself and understand that your caregivers could not meet your needs. Because of this, when bad things happen, blaming it on yourself seems the most reasonable, especially since you saw your parents as all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect beyond blame.
The habit of blaming oneself is exacerbated if your parents also regularly put you down for things that are not your fault. If you internalized the blame to "I am not good enough," the feeling of less then can become part of your identity, and you start to blame yourself for things that are not your fault.
When an intimate relationship ends, the brain of a person who has a habit of self-blaming goes into overdrive. They cannot stop ruminating about what they could've or should've done, and some go as far as wishing there's a time machine so they can go back in time and "get it right." This excessive self-blame is not only incredibly painful but keeps them stuck in limbo, unable to move forward.
If self-blame keeps you from moving forward at the end of a relationship, this episode is for you.
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This is a follow up to part I: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/episodes/Why-People-Dont-Recognize-They-Were-Abused-in-Childhood-Part-I-e148i15/a-a4969gp
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Do you tell yourself:
- I don't need anyone.
- I can do everything myself.
- If I let people in, they will hurt me.
If you suffered abuse at the hands of people you once trusted, feeling that you have your back to the wall and you cannot trust anyone again is a common coping mechanism.
You built this hard shell to shield your heart from further abuse, betrayal, and disappointment.
You not only find it difficult to trust others, but you also no longer trust in your ability to choose people.
But extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE. It is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
By not trusting, you prevent hurt, but you also push away love because love cannot exist without trust.
If you want to learn how to trust again, this episode is for you. I also prescribe an exercise at the end that you can do at home to help you heal trust wounds.
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It takes the average childhood abuse victim 24 years to reveal their trauma history, even though disclosure is often the key to recovery. Some survivors choose to keep silent to avoid potential stigma, but others are not consciously aware that they suffered abuse.
In this episode, I cover the first 5 of 10 reasons why survivors might not recognize that they were abused as children.
You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. — Dr. Phil
Not recognizing abuse is actually very common, but if we want to live a better life, the first step has to be understanding how our past shaped us today, including how it affects the way we think, feel, and behave. We have to face the past to heal it.
For part II, see: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/episodes/Why-People-Dont-Recognize-They-Were-Abused-in-Childhood-Part-II-e14bo07
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Have you ever counseled a friend who is obviously in an abusive relationship but they don't seem to recognize it? To an outsider, it can be baffling why someone chooses to stay in an abusive relationship when all the evidence is there that they should leave. You really care about this person, and you see the toll the abuse has on them, yet they seem to live in denial and may even come to defend their abuser.
In this episode, I share 5 reasons why people may not recognize abuse in an intimate partner scenario.
Remember that victims often believe they are stuck or help may not be available, so remind them that there is help and give them hope will go a long way in shoring up their courage to leave.
If you enjoy videos like this, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to get notified of upcoming videos, and feel free to leave a comment if you come up with other reasons I might have missed. I always love hearing from you!
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Over-apologizing is when you have the habit of saying "I'm sorry" when you don't need to. Here are some examples: You approach the receptionists at your doctor's office by saying, "I'm sorry to bother you. I have a question." Your partner makes an inappropriate joke at a dinner party. "I'm sorry. They're not usually like this," you say to people. Your friend came to visit you, and it's raining. "I'm so sorry for the bad weather!" you tell your friend. In each of these cases, it's clear that you haven't done anything wrong, and if you tend to apologize in these situations, it's time to check the habit. Over apologizing does not make you a more courteous person; it makes you sound like someone who lacks clear boundaries and is too willing to please, not good signals to send if you are working towards having a balanced relationship where your needs and feelings matter. In this episode, I cover why people over apologize, what you do not need to apologize for, and most importantly if you're ready to kick this habit, how to go about it.
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It takes the average childhood abuse victim 24 years to reveal their trauma history, even though disclosure is often the key to recovery. Some survivors choose to keep silent to avoid potential stigma, but others are not consciously aware that they suffered abuse. In this episode, I cover reasons 6-10 of why survivors might not recognize that they were abused as children.
If you missed the first 5, you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Szog5SRzWf8
You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. — Dr. Phil
Not recognizing abuse is actually very common, but if we want to live a better life, the first step has to be understanding how our past shaped us today, including how it affects the way we think, feel, and behave. We have to face the past to heal it.
If you enjoy videos like this, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to get notified of upcoming videos, and leave a comment if you come up with reasons I might have missed. I always enjoy hearing from you, and thank you for watching!
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People often spend a lot of time talking about red flags and how to spot a toxic relationship, but there is a lot less discussion about what constitutes a healthy relationship. In this episode, I share 7 signs that signal you are in a healthy relationship. Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like is especially for adult survivors of childhood trauma — to have healthy intimacy, you need to know what to look for and not just what to avoid.
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Do you ever wonder if there's a link between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and attachment styles?
When people think about NPD, they think of someone like a Don Draper — A person with an inflated sense of self that comes off as arrogant, entitled, and envious. However, there's another type of NPD where the individual presents themselves as insecure, focusing on themselves but seeking reassurance from others.
In this episode, I cover the differences between the two types of narcissists and their typical attachment styles.
This episode is in response to a question I got from a viewer. I often get ideas from viewers on what topics to cover. Please feel free to comment below with suggestions; I always love hearing from you!
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- Do you feel insecure in relationships?
- Have you acted out because of your overwhelming insecurity?
- Are you worried that your protest behavior (acting clinging, jealous, upset) is pushing your partner away?
If you answer YES to these questions, you may have a predominantly Anxious Attachment style.
Our attachment styles are formed in childhood, and a person with the Anxious Attachment style likely had unpredictable, emotionally immature, or unstable parents that only provided inconsistent care. This lack of stability leaves the child not knowing what to expect, and to gain a sense of control, the child becomes highly attuned to the parent’s mood, and many develop into people-pleaser adults with an Anxious Attachment style.
For those of us that are Anxiously Attached, we both crave relationships but we also suffer a lot in them. Relationships, especially an intimate relationship with a romantic partner, bring out our childhood wounds and limiting beliefs of not being worthy of love. We watch our partner’s words and actions closely for any signs that they may be pulling away, and we act out and do things we may later regret that drive people away. It’s a vicious cycle, but there is a way to break it.
In this episode, I detail how the attachment wound formed and walk you through a 6-step Dialectical Behavior Therapy process to help you bring your thoughts and emotions back into balance. I then talk about managing a relationship, starting from the dating phase, so you have the best chance possible to heal your attachment style and have the healthy, mutually supportive relationship you deserve.
This discussion topic came up in our women-only membership program.
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Do you know what kills the most dreams? It’s not lack of education, money, preparation, but our internal resistance.
The more we want something, the stronger the resistance inside of us fights back.
Sometimes it just feels better (and easier) to self-sabotage and control our failure than face the possibility of giving it all yet still failing.
We are afraid to be left with the possibility that our best is just not good enough.
We might also suffer from low self-worth. We’re so used to being overlooked, mistreated, exploited that we feel undeserving of success or happiness. The cognitive dissonance is so strong that we self-sabotage as soon as things are starting to go well.
These are only some of the reasons why we self-sabotage, and in this episode, I list more.
The net is, change is hard for everyone, and the resistance is real.
Despite how hard change is, it is necessary if we want better, whether that’s more financial freedom, a more fulfilling career, or a healthier body.
Change requires us to overcome resistance. We can’t allow our chattering brain to start producing excuses and a million reasons why we can’t/shouldn’t/won’t do what we know we need to do.
Life is too precious to settle for less.
We can’t afford to get stuck.
In this episode, I give you 6 essential, simple, and effective tips to overcome our internal resistance, so you can get things done and live the life you want.
You deserve nothing less.
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Do you work for an unreasonable boss?
Do you wish that you are better at saying no so you’re not always overwhelmed?
Do you want to feel more peace but struggle with the how?
If so, this episode is for you. Stress Management coach Lolita Guarin (http://www.beamazingyou.com/) is one of my favorite people, and after you listen to this episode, you will know why.
As the only child raised by alcoholic, controlling parents, Lolita had difficulty saying no, even when she’s stretched to the brink at work. Eventually, she was working so hard that one day she suddenly collapsed. This rock bottom moment led to her awakening, and the rest is history.
Lolita is hands down one of the most inspiring people I know, and we clicked the first time we met. She is a walking ball of positive energy, joy, and love; it’s impossible not to feel uplifted after talking to her. Lolita is also ab active member of Life Is Love School’s women-only coaching group, where she generously shares her insights and tips with fellow ladies.
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
-Eleanor Brown
If you are interested in learning skills like this that help you have better relationships, I invite you to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE, so you get notified of new episodes when they come up!
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Midlife is when many people start to wonder if they are on the right path. This question could feel unsettling, even scary. After all, by midlife, most of us have invested a few decades in our chosen line of work, and starting afresh seems daunting.
Statistically speaking, over 43% of women will live beyond their 90s, and close to 10% will live to 100, so doing a pivot at midlife is not too late! You should do work that brings you joy until you take your last breath. There's no reason you can't do what you're passionate about just because you've hit a certain age. And this idea that you have to be stuck in the same job forever with no hope of making a change—well, that's just false.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." — George Eliot
This topic of making a midlife career transition came up in our women-only coaching group, and I was excited to see this question come up. If you are pondering this question, it means that you are likely further along in your healing journey. You want more out of life than barely surviving; you want to thrive in all areas of your life, and this means doing work that leverages your strength, fulfills you, and aligns with your values.
If you are interested in learning skills like this that help you have better relationships, I invite you to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE, so you get notified of new episodes when they come up.
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The sign of a healthy relationship isn't that two people never fight. In fact, it's often a sign of problems. Either the couple suppresses their emotions, which leads to mounting resentment, or one or both partners are indifferent toward their relationship and don't care enough to even fight. The key to a long, happy relationship isn't that there's no conflict but whether disputes can be resolved constructively.
In this episode, I cover the simple skills that will immediately uplevel your ability to work through issues successfully with your partners.
If you are interested in learning skills like this that help you have better relationships, I invite you to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE, so you get notified of new episodes when they come up!
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As a follow-up to the previous episode, which covers signs 1 through 15, in this episode, I cover 16 through 30 of the common signs that you suffered childhood trauma. If you think you are uniquely broken from the abuse, I want you to know that you are not. Your brain and body did the best they can to cope with impossible situations, and as an adult, you can learn how to heal yourself and how to have successful relationships.
For the first 15 signs, check out “30 Signs You Suffered Childhood Trauma Part I.“
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In the USA, nearly 700,000 children are abused in U.S each year. Unfortunately, trauma leaves a legacy; research by the CDC shows that trauma survivors are more likely to die by suicide, suffer chronic mental and physical illness, have a shortened life span, and fall prey to abuse in their adult relationships.
The reason? Trauma, especially in early childhood, where the brain is still fragile and in development, causes structural changes in the brain that impact how one senses and processes emotions.
Additionally, survivors often lack skills on how to regulate emotions, communicate effectively, set healthy boundaries, and build healthy relationships, and as a result, many survivors are revictimized in their adult relationships.
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” — Viktor Frankl
In this episode, I cover 15 of the 30 common signs that you suffered childhood trauma. If you think you are uniquely broken from the abuse, I want you to know that you are not. Your brain and body did the best they can to cope with impossible situations, and as an adult, you can learn how to heal yourself and how to have successful relationships.
For the following 15 signs, check out "30 Signs You Suffered Childhood Trauma Part II."
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If you are new to boundary setting, you can expect that people who don’t like your boundaries will test you to see if you mean business. Thye may use manipulations such as guilt-tripping, giving you the silent treatment, anger, etc., to get you to take back your boundaries.
If you have people-pleasing tendencies and can’t stand the discomfort, you might end up caving to their demands and putting their priority ahead of your own. The worst part is, knowing you cave easily, once you “do them a solid,” they’ll know that your boundaries are negotiable, and they will keep hounding you again and again.
In this episode, I cover common techniques boundary-pushers use so you are prepared. I’ll follow that with specific mindsets and techniques you can use to stay strong amidst their onslaught.
Boundary setting is tough at the start because people will try to test you, but the sooner you establish yourself as a firm boundary holder, the sooner people will stop testing you. At the end of the day: you get to decide how other people treat you, and you have more power to stop people from pushing your boundaries than you think you do.
This question originally came up in our women-only coaching group. If you like to learn skills like this that will help you better navigate life’s challenges, love to have you join us!
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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool Have you had to deal with people communicate by “not communicating?”
I’m talking about people who stonewall, disappear, or ignore you when you want to talk to them to solve issues or get closure. People like this can be incredibly frustrating to deal with because non of your ninja communication skills work when they won’t even come to the table. Dealing with evaders is especially hard for you if you’ve suffered abandonment and neglect growing up; their non-responsiveness can evoke the familiar feeling of being unloved and unvalued.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” — Alice Walker
In this episode, I give you 3 straightforward, simple, effective strategies to deal with people like this. And yes, it has everything to do with having and holding strong boundaries!
This question originally came up in our women-only coaching group. If you like to learn skills like this that will help you better navigate life’s challenges, love to have you join us!
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Most people who suffer PTSD also have trauma triggers. One of mine was seeing men with furrowed brows. My heart rate would surge, my palms would sweat, and I want to run, even though I know my fear is irrational.
Sounds familiar?
Per Wikipedia:
A trauma trigger is a psychological stimulus that prompts the recall of a previous traumatic experience. The stimulus itself need not be frightening or traumatic. It could be only superficially reminiscent of an earlier traumatic incident, such as a scent or a piece of clothing.
Because triggers are so scary and unpleasant, many of us want to run as far away from them as we can, but the more we try to avoid a trigger, the bigger and scarier the trigger gets. Research shows that avoidance of triggers increases the likelihood that the affected person will develop a disabling level of PTSD.
On top of it, many of us “run” through unhealthy means. We might try to numb out by using drugs, alcohol, binge eating, or we might try to distract ourselves through engaging in social media, playing video games, watching TV, overworking, or overexercises. The list goes on.
Avoiding irrational fear makes the fear bigger over time because the brain learns to associate avoidance with safety. If you heed what the fear tells you and run away from what makes you anxious, for example, a dog, a social situation, and nothing bad happens (which is the case, of course, since the fear was irrational), the brain starts to associate safety with your avoidance and the fear gains ground. As the fear eats away more and more of your freedom, your life gets smaller and smaller.
To counter irrational fear, you must do the opposite by gradually training yourself to sit with the discomfort and allow yourself to get closer to what you fear.
In this episode, I share how what research tells us about trigger formation and how you can practice removing triggers in the safety of your own home.
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In our women-only coaching group, we share our personal experiences with triggers, how it impacts us, and what helps us get better. The ladies tell me that sharing their experience with a safe group is in itself healing, and they enjoy learning from others who have encountered similar challenges.
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In this episode, I answer a question on how best to support someone we love when they are grieving.
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In this episode, I answer the question, "I went through my boyfriend's phone and found that he’s cheating on me, what should I do?"
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I answer the question: I'm Anxiously Attached, and my boyfriend is Avoidantly Attached. We've been together for about a year or so. Recently he told me that he's feeling overwhelmed. He just got a new job, and he said that he's having a hard time making it all work and feels like taking a break from our relationship between his boys, work, and me. I am devastated. He's the first guy I fell in love with in a long time, but I also know that Avoidants need more space than us Anxious types. Should I say to him, "I understand how you feel, but please make up your mind, so I'm not left wondering what's going on?" I hope this doesn't push him further away, but the not knowing is killing me, and I don't know what I'll do in the meantime.
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Have you ever relied so much on a therapist you felt like you couldn’t handle life without him/her?
I did. I found her during my divorce when I was experiencing major depression. I remember walking into her office feeling lousy and walking out feeling lighter. I saw her regularly, sometimes twice a week, for over a year. I needed her so much, I almost decided against moving across states for a promotion.
I didn’t realize it then, but this phenomenon actually points to something wrong with how therapy is delivered. My therapist did the best she knew how. However, now that I know what actually works to heal my own trauma, I believe most mental health professionals could do a better job helping their patients.
In this 9 min episode broadcasted initially live in our private Facebook group, I dive into this topic. I also give you a mini-challenge to heal your inner child.
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In this episode, I answer this question from a Life Is Love School member:
I feel like I walk around the world with no skin on. I am easily triggered by people, but in retrospect, it usually turns out that I’ve made the wrong assumptions. How do I stop taking everything so personally?
This question is great because so many of us walk around the world preoccupied with what other people think of us. If this is an issue you also struggle with, you will find the tools I share in this episode super useful.
“When you are 20, you care about what everybody thinks of you.
When you are 40, you don’t care about what people think of you,
and when you are 60, you actually understand that people were too busy thinking about themselves.” — Shirley MacLaine
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Did you ever wonder how successful and confident people get sucked into narcissistic relationships?
Theresa Rozyla was in her mid-twenties when she met the man who became her husband. She was beautiful, bright, and held a job she loved as a corporate marketing person for Dufry.
They were happy for the first few years, but then slowly, the put-downs came. It started with the occasional comment about her physical appearance, but it escalated to daily put-downs of how she is inadequate as a person. He drained their joint account and limited her contacts with friends and family.
Terri knew that something isn’t right, but like so many abused victims, she felt trapped, so she stayed.
Until one fateful night, when her ex was in a drug-laden, drunken stupor, their verbal fight escalated to physical, and in a moment of immense pain, she heard a voice from within her speak.
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prison. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.” ― Haruki Murakami
Hear Terri’s story, how she mustered the courage to leave, and how she found her identity again after losing it in this twelve-year abusive marriage.
About Our Guest: Theresa Rozyla is a Mindset and Performance Coach. As a Speaker, Yoga Therapist, NLP Practitioner, and Certified Integrative Nutrition Coach, she has helped hundreds of people rewire themselves to remove mental blocks, taking them from pain to progress to success, starting with herself. She shares her compelling stories of tenacity and courage to draw people in to look at the bigger picture of their own lives, encouraging them to aspire to be the person that they want to be from deep within their soul space.
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Do you live with chronic back or neck pain?
Did your doctor tell you that this is “all part of getting older” and that there’s nothing they can do?
Do you ever wonder why people with similar back and neck degeneration experience drastically different pain levels, some not at all?
Do you ever wonder why so many childhood trauma victims suffer from chronic, debilitating pain?
Studies worldwide have shown that the presence of early trauma appears to confer a two- to three-fold risk of later development of chronic pain.
Our guest, Rose Barnes-Covenant, is a Pain Recovery Coach with a Master’s in Public Health. Rose suffered severe back pain, a condition she thought was a life sentence until she read about Neuro-circuit pain and how her early childhood trauma likely set her up to experience pain more severely. She learned all about the brain-body connection, and from there, how to retrain her brain to process pain differently.
Rose grew up with a depressed mother who struggled with chronic low back pain and an emotionally unstable and unpredictable father. The emotional neglect made Rose feel unloved, invalidated, and unsafe. To cope, she put a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect. To protect herself, her brain became hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning for what might go wrong next. This hypervigilance eventually manifested in physical pain signals, where her brain was sending her severe physical pain to try to keep her safe. As anxiety and fear wove into the chronic pain, it became a self-perpetuating cycle and Rose was stuck in a cycle of constant back pain for over 6 years.
“It’s not just in your head, it’s in the neuropathways in your brain, and you can heal by picking better thoughts.” — Rose Barnes-Covenant
In this episode, Rose shares in great detail how she worked through her pain by changing how she perceives and processes pain. If you are tired of dealing with persistent pain and are ready for a better solution, this is an episode you don’t want to miss.
About Our Guest: Rose Barnes-Covernant is a Pain Recovery Coach with a Master’s in Public Health, trained in Mind-Body Syndrome, life coaching, and meditation. You can find Rose on Instagram and Facebook.
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Review Our Podcasts: Like all Life Is Love School episodes, we aim to deliver you useful information in a short amount of time, so you can apply what you’ve learned to reap the benefits immediately. If you like our podcasts, please leave us a review on Apple Podcast and send me an email with a screenshot of your review to get a copy of Life Is Love School's "How to build self-love habits " guide, complete with a streak tracker to help you build healthy habits in the new year! Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review.
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Do you struggle with food? The holidays can be challenging for people who suffer from an eating disorder, and our guest Maggie Dong can relate to the struggles.
At age 16, Maggie’s life spiraled out of control when her mom suddenly passed away, and her father was sent to jail. Left with a younger brother to care for, Maggie coped with this overwhelming stress through controlling food intake and exercise. In her mind, life would be better once she achieved the perfect body.
She severely restricted food to lose weight, avoided most social events to hide the disorder, worked out seven days a week, three hours a day, and ate very little. She felt miserable most days, and grief, anger, insecurity, jealousy, and negativity plagued her. Her life went from bad to worse when the man she thought was “the one” unceremoniously dumped her.
To find a reason to exists, Maggie had to dig deep. In her despair, she asked, “Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?” Little did she know, these questions will lead her to a discovery that not only helped her end the disorder but give her a brand new lease on life. In two years, her life took a complete 180 turn.
Physical difference:
——— Physical difference ———
- 800 calories/day to 2500 calories/day
- 125lbs to 150lbs Skinny fat to lean Did some cardio when I felt motivated to consistently lifting 4-5x a week
- Couldn't carry my groceries to lifting some heavy shit
——— Mental difference ———
- Insecure to confident Very introverted to an extroverted introvert that enjoys being around people
- Jealous of other people's bodies to no longer comparing & loving my body
- Negative Nancy to optimistic
- Blaming the world for my problems to taking full responsibility for my problems
“The physical transformation is nice, but the mental transformation, to me, is far more important than the physical. Fitness saved me from grief, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and negativity.” — Maggie Dong
Listen to Maggie’s incredible journey recovering from a debilitating eating disorder and the spiritual work she did to rebuild herself from the inside. If you struggle with self-love and self-image, this is a discussion you don’t want to miss!
About Our Guest:
Maggie Dong is a fitness & life coach and podcaster who helps people master their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual fitness so they can raise their consciousness and attract love. You can find her on podcast at Mind Muscle Enlightenment, Instagram at @maggiedong_ , and Facebook at www.facebook.com/maggiedongfitness.
Review Our Podcasts: Like all Life Is Love School episodes, we aim to deliver you useful information in a short amount of time, so you can apply what you’ve learned to reap the benefits immediately. If you like our podcasts, please leave us a review on Apple Podcast and send me an email with a screenshot of your review to get a copy of Life Is Love School's "How to build self-love habits " guide, complete with a streak tracker to help you build healthy habits in the new year! Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review.
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Are you terrified of dating because you think you might make the same painful mistake again?
"I don't know where to start" is a common refrain from people newly out of a long term relationship. Dating can fill us with trepidation if we've been out of the scene for a while and we had a track record of heartaches. How do we find a great partner, knowing that the dating pool is rife with liars, cheaters, users, and abusers?
If this resonates with how you feel, then you will enjoy this episode with Chrissy.
Chrissy and I met through the "Self-Love Challenge" workshop I hosted in October of 2019. I was impressed by her confidence, exuded only by someone who knows her value intrinsically. As I got to know Chrissy more, I learned that her strength came out of the crucible of several painful relationships with narcissistic partners, including a physically violent ex-husband that stalked her. Much to Chrissy's credit, she realized that these relationships' had one thing in commonality, and that's her. She was determined to heal whatever was inside her that resulted in this painful pattern, so it does not repeat.
Hear Chrissy talk about how knowing her intrinsic value changed her approach to men entirely and the powerful mindset she holds while navigating the treacherous water of online dating. We go in-depth on red flags you shouldn't ignore, and why feeling an overwhelming sense of connection early on in a relationship might be a warning signal, especially for victims of childhood neglect and abuse.
"I have my own high standards for what I want in a partner and how I want to be treated. I bring a lot to the table. I'm not talking about material things but what I have to offer as a person — love and loyalty and all the things that make a good relationship." - Jennifer Lopez
Often dating advice focuses on strategies, made famous by books such as "The Rules," but this is upside-down thinking. A person without a healthy sense of self who dates with strategies is playing games — she is pretending to give but hoping to get the love and approval from others that she is unwilling to give herself. Even if she can mask the underlying needy energy for a while, sooner or later, the charade will be up, and the manipulations will backfire (See "Why playing hard to get doesn't work"). There's no shortcut to love — others can only love us to the extent we love ourselves. When we love and value who we are, our actions will automatically align with the confident, magnetic person we know ourselves to be, and others can't help but be attracted to us. I saw this transformation happen to Chrissy, and I am grateful for her willingness to share her story with great candor in the hopes of helping others too.
PS If you are interested in diving deeper into the topic of self-love, I am hosting a free "Loving Your Inner Child" workshop starting Dec 27th to help survivors of childhood parental abuse heal. The intake form is due this week. If we cannot fit you into this delivery, please stay tuned for possible sessions in 2021.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
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https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
A question that comes up often in our FB discussions is on dating and Attachment Styles. Per popular request, in this episode, I interview therapist Diana Chu on what attachment style is, how it impacts our relationships, and specific strategies we can employ to move us towards becoming more securely attached.
“A lot of times people who are anxiously attached are attracted to people who are avoidant of attachment. Those two attachment types are like magnets to each other. The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.” — Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Diana also talks in-depth about how therapists assist clients in this process, using “saying no” and boundary setting as examples.
[min 3:00] The origin of attachment theory — The “Strange Situation” tests the four types of attachment style Anxious (Preoccupied), Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant), Avoidant (Dismissive), and Secure.
[min 6:45] Attachment styles and how it impacts how we communicate in dating and relationships
[min 10] How attachment style came from childhood template
[min 11:15] How to move from Insecure to Secure Attachment style?
[min 13:00] How therapists model Secure Attachment style for their clients
[min 15:30] How drama therapy can help us learn how to handle difficult conversations (i.e., saying no)
[min 17:45] Setting boundaries in dating relationships when Insecurely Attached
[min 20:00] What happens when we grew up with parents that didn’t allow us to set boundaries?
[min 21:15] What happens if people disregard your boundaries?
[min 22:15] Why it’s essential to ask the hard questions in dating early?
[min 24:30] Why reciprocity is vital in boundary-setting
[]Why effective communication frees you from anxiety in relationships
[min 27:00] Can you “act-as-if” yourself into being Securely Attached?
About our guest: Diana Chu is a Registered Drama Therapist (#659) and Mental Health Consultant. Currently working at Rams, inc., she graduated with a Masters of Counseling Psychology with a specialization in Drama Therapy from California Institute of Integral Studies. She has experience working at a Counselling Enriched Educational Program (CEEP), Family Engagement Program, and Autistic Spectrum Disorder Clinic where she developed essential skills to offer the most effective and caring therapeutic experience in a safe and affirming environment.
You can find Diana Chu at dianachutherapy.com and check out “Waves of Change,” Diana’s podcasts with her co-host Psychologist Dr. Lee.
Review ou podcasts:
Like all Life Is Love School episodes, we aim to deliver you useful information in a short amount of time, so you can apply what you’ve learned to reap the benefits immediately. If you like our podcasts, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcast. Your review will help more survivors who need to hear our message of hope and healing find us, and it also means a lot to me personally. Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review.
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Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
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Are you an addict or know an addict and wonder what it takes to quit and stay clean? If so, this is the episode for you.
Addicts feel out of control, ashamed, and alone, but statistics show that chemical addiction is sadly common. About one-third of our population suffers from it, and countless more lives are impacted by being with an addict.
My guest today is Dr. Stephan Neff, an anesthesiologist from New Zealand. As Dr. Neff puts it, "I am a medical doctor and an alcoholic in recovery."
For years Dr. Neff led a life of secrets and lies — getting dead drunk night after night and showing up at work like a bleary-eyed bear with a headache. His life looked normal on the outside, but it was a tragedy waiting to happen, until one night, while he lay blacked-out drunk in the garage, his wife and boss staged an intervention.
Listen to Dr. Neff explain the 12-step program that kickstarted the life he has today, how he dug deep to heal the trauma within that caused him to start drinking, and how he stayed sober, now six years and counting. As Dr. Neff puts it, "The day you stop working on yourself is the day you relapse."
If you want to end a harmful addiction, stay clean, and live the life you want, this is the episode for you.
About our guest:
Dr. Stephen Neff is an anesthesiologist from New Zealand and the author of "My Steps To Sobriety: Living a fantastic life without alcohol." As a man trying to drown his sorrows, he found out the hard way that the critters can swim. Today, Stephan is an expert in living an extraordinary life, that alcohol has no role to play. He shares this passion through his podcast, YouTube channel, and other social media (all titled "my steps to sobriety").
Review ou podcasts:Like all Life Is Love School episodes, we aim to deliver you useful information in a short amount of time, so you can apply what you’ve learned to reap the benefits immediately. If you like our podcasts, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcast. Your review will help more survivors who need to hear our message of hope and healing find us, and it also means a lot to me personally. Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Do you feel like work is eating into your life? Are you an empathetic, sensitive person but find your kindness being used against you at work? Are you being bullied by a narcissist and unsure who to turn to or what your options are?
So much of our waking hours are spent working, so if our work environment is toxic, it's rather hard to feel happy.
In this episode, I bring my friend and long time mentor Donald Farmer to the show. Donald is a highly respected Silicon Valley executive known for his deep expertise in the Business Intelligence space, but more importantly, he stands as a kind, compassionate, and high integrity leader in an industry too often plagued by narcissistic personalities.
Hear Donald's sage advice on how to handle tricky situations at work and how to tap into our inner reservoir of strength when we need it most.
About our guest: Donald Farmer is a Silicon Valley veteran who's held executive leadership roles across companies like Microsoft and Qlik. Donald has a passion for guiding and mentoring people from a foundation of strategic insight, technical understanding, and empathy. He synthesizes what he's learned into simple - but not easy - frameworks that help others achieve new success levels.
P.S. For more discussions, join us on Facebook at "Life Is Love School."
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
When someone sees Laura today, they see a spirited entrepreneur that is married to an English gentleman that adores her. People do not know that Laura had to overcome the unimaginable to get to where she is today. In this episode, Laura shares her story for the first time.
This episode is longer than our typical 15-20 min length; however, I know you will find it time well spent. Parts of Laura’s story touch upon sensitive subjects, such as sexual abuse of a minor and torture, so you may want to use headphones if you have children nearby.
Laura was raised in Alabama by an overly protective single-mother who, to protect Laura, forbade her from even playing in the neighbor’s yard or going for sleepovers. What her mother did not know, however, was that the real monsters lurked inside the family. When Laura was just nine years old, they repeatedly molested her over many years and made her keep it secret.
Eager to escape the abuse at home, Laura left the moment she turned eighteen with only a backpack full of clothes and a teddy bear. She married her boyfriend the next day to make sure her mother couldn’t get her back. Two days later, her husband beat her.
Thus began Laura’s string of abusive marriages, including one sadistic ex-husband who locked her up and administered torture so cruel that it only exists in the most brutal prisoner of war camps.
In Laura’s words, she probably would have stayed, because by then, she believed that she deserved what she got. Then one day, while being pummeled on the ground, Luara looked up and saw her toddler’s face, and something inside of her snapped.
Despite having only a high school education and no money, that night, Laura waited until her husband was sound asleep, grabbed her daughter, and made for a desperate escape.
“We can all endure disaster and tragedy, and triumph over them-if we have to. We may not think we can, but we have surprisingly strong inner resources that will see us through if we will only make use of them. We are stronger than we think.” — Dale Carnegie
Hear Laura tells her story of surviving the unimaginable, her dangerous escape from a psychopath, how she found love, and how she turned making beautiful soup from a hobby to curb PTSD nightmares to a blossoming business that ships globally today.
PS: I offer private coaching service, covering topics that are especially important for trauma survivors (Click Here For More Info).
About our guest: Laura Hatt is the founder of Dolphin Woodhouse, an online store that sells Laura’s handcrafted artisanal soap, lotions, and scrubs. Recently, Laura left her 9-5 job to run Dolphin Woodhouse full-time. Congratulations Laura!
- Website: DolphinWoodHouse.com
- Etsy: etsy.com/shop/DolphinWoodHouse
- Dolphin Woodhouse On Social Media: Facebook | Instagram | Twitter
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Have you experienced betrayal by an intimate partner? Kelly Savage thought she married her dream man when she married Don (pseudonym). Don is a smart, well-educated, handsome fellow Canadian who has a glamorous job working with the Canadia embassy in Saudi Arabia, where he regularly interacts with the royal family.
Kelly and Don shared a love for travel and enjoyed a great sex life. Seven years into their marriage, they had triplets. To Kelly and the outside world, they had the perfect marriage, so much so that, according to Kelly, other couples often sought their mentorship on marriage related issues.
However, what Kelly did not know is that Don lived multiple lives. He dated several women on the side, taking them on trips, buying them jewelry, and promising them marriage. Like Kelly, these women were kept completely in the dark on what’s going on.
“Secrets And Lies Kill Relationships; No Matter How Careful You Are, You Will Get Caught.” — Unknown
What we see only in movies and fiction became Kelly’s real life. In this episode, Kelly tells her story of crushing revelations, her fears and self-blame, and how she found forgiveness to forge a new path.
For those of you that wonder if wrongdoers ever get their just deserts, this story will be interesting to you too
Like all Life Is Love School episodes, we aim to deliver you useful information in a short amount of time, so you can apply what you’ve learned to reap the benefits immediately. If you like our podcasts, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcast. Your review will help more survivors who need to hear our message of hope and healing find us, and it also means a lot to me personally. Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review.
About our guest: Kelly Savage is an intuitive empath, wisdom, and spiritual seeker by birth and an RN and Life Coach, Courage Navigator, Yoga, Reiki, and Mindfulness practitioner by trade. She has been drawn to healing and helping all her life, but only now in her 50s has she decided to let go of ego, stereotypes, self-sabotaging thoughts and move into action to inspire, coach, and lead others to dance with courage by changing the music. Kelly genuinely believes that circumstance does not define us; it is courage and our relationship to it that defines us. She has survived and witnessed the impact of molestation, alcoholism, drug addiction, emotional abuse, infertility, infidelity, divorce, and remarriage. You can connect with Kelly at Kelly@alifecoach.ca and her website www.alifecoach.ca.
Thank you!
P.S. For more discussions, join us on Facebook at “Life Is Love School.”
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Were you raised by toxic parents and are worried that you might pass the abuse down to your own children? If so, this is an episode you won't want to miss.
In this episode, holistic coach and new mom, Maggie Conrad, shares how she broke the chain to be a good mother to her newborn son. We go into a lot of depth on boundary setting. We cover not just the 'why" but the "how" to do it from our core, so we stay grounded even when we face pushbacks.
If there are toxic people in your life that you either cannot or are unwilling to cut out completely, setting good boundaries is essential to your peace of mind. I think you'll find a lot of value out of this conversation!
About our guest: Maggie Conrad is a Joy Coach for Boss Mamas. She uses Mindset and Meditation practices to help women discover their true selves, and align with their soul’s purpose. She is a mom to a 15-month-old ball of energy, lives in Austin, Texas, and has experience with overcoming trauma, integrating body and mind, Conscious Parenting, and tapping into Intuition as a guide. You can find her in her group, Joyful Boss Mamas, having fun, sharing all the messy bits of being a mompreneur, and supporting other women on their journey.
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources: https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
Is there something about you that you feel ashamed of and wish nobody found out?
Ben was nine when he was traumatized by an innocuous incident in school. His decision to stuff down, rather than experience the emotions, eventually landed him in the therapist's office for the first time decades later, after losing a significant relationship.
Ben shares his story and the specific techniques he uses to help clients work through blocked emotions to regain freedom. If you suffer from trapped emotions that's consuming an ever-larger part of your life, this is an episode you won't want to miss.
About our guest: Since 2014, Ben has spoken all over the world with a message that raises listeners' sights and encourages them to achieve their greatest potential. With real-life examples and entertaining stories, Ben helps listeners understand and acknowledge their emotions so they can turn their pain into power. To contact Ben, see:
Facebook.com/benedenspeaks
LinkedIn.com/in/benedenspeaks
Linktr.ee/benedenspeaks
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
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The root of many Childhood PTSD symptoms is emotional dysregulation. We all get dysregulated sometimes, and we all eventually return to regulated. However, trauma survivors suffer from more triggers, the amplitude of dysregulation is larger, and it takes them longer to bring emotions back to the norm. For all these reasons, managing emotions well is crucial to thriving post-trauma.
One of the most effective ways to get back to a calm emotional state is to release fears and resentments by taking it out of our heads and put it on paper. We basically "free-write" our thoughts in a journal, which is why this therapy is called "freewriting."
In this episode, I talk about using freewriting to regulate difficult emotions and process events, and the specific prompts I use. I also cover using journaling to do gratitude exercises and goal setting to get our day to the best start.
If you like our podcasts, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcast. Your review will help more survivors who need to hear our message of hope and healing find us, and it also means a lot to me personally. Please click here for instructions on how to leave a review. As a thank you gift, after reviewing my podcasts, send me an email with your review to get a copy of my journaling prompts and detailed instructions on how to use journaling to regulate emotions.
If you want to journal regularly but have trouble making the habit stick, check out "Having a Hard Time Building New Habits? Try Habit Stacking" to learn how to use the magic of habit stacking to make a new habit stick.
If you know habit stacking already, but like me, find it difficult to implement manually, check out the free HabitApp (download at https://habit.app).
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
If you're like me, instilling a new habit is a struggle, and often, after much effort, the new habit did not stick. For the longest time, I've tried to build the habit of meditating, journaling, and affirmations without success. I would start with much enthusiasm, fail, and after a while, I would try again, usually at the start of the new year.
Then I read about habit stacking. It teaches you to stack new habits (ex: meditation) on top of what you already do today (ex: making coffee). Studies show that habit stacking works because the habit you want to build is placed right after what you already do today, so what you already do today acts as the cue to start the new habit. Some examples:
- After pouring a cup of coffee each morning, I will meditate for five minutes.
- After returning home from work, I will change into my workout clothes and head to the gym.
- After getting into bed at night, I will name three things I am grateful for.
However, after giving habit stacking a try using pen, paper, a large wall calendar, and a timer, I found the process of manually attempting habit stacking cumbersome, which made me less likely to do it.
In this episode, I will dive more into habit stacking, how to leverage it to build new habits and the ingenious solution I found that made habit stacking a reality for me.
Habit App (https://habit.app/): Habit stacking app for making it easier to build new habits
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
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Do you have kids but felt that you had failed them as a parent? In this episode, I talk to my friend and coach, Tara Brown. Tara spent the first 30 years of her life suffering from chronic depression and social anxiety. She became a teenage mother that went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship until one fateful day when her kids were taken away from her.
Hear her amazing story of how she turned her life around, and learn the one self-love practice that healed her.
About our guest: Tara Brown is a mindset empowerment coach, the founder of Living A Happier Life, and the creator of The Five Foundational Elements for Self Growth. She has been learning, growing, and teaching for the past 15 years and is excited to share her journey with us.
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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
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In the last episode, I covered 6 tips that help you build any habit, using meditation as an example. In this episode, I will go into exactly how to meditate by sharing two methods I use to great effect.
Meditation is absolutely a worthwhile practice to build. Meditation teaches us how to be the observer vs. automatically believing a thought. It also teaches us how to let go of thoughts, so they don't linger and wreak havoc in our lives.
By having more control over our minds, we also have more control over how we feel, regardless of what's happening around us.
Habit App (https://habit.app/): Habit stacking app for making it easier to build new habits
Muse Meditation Device: Gamified instant bio-feedback meditation experience
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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
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The benefit of meditation is well known, but building a meditation practice habit is not always easy, especially if you also have a monkey mind like me!
In this episode, I'll go over 6 specific tips that will help you build any new habit, so you can make daily meditation a reality and reap the benefit of a more peaceful and joyful mind.
Here are some items I use in my meditation practice. They're optional but very helpful.
- Habit App (https://habit.app/): Habit stacking app for making it easier to build new habits
- Muse Meditation Device: Gamified instant bio-feedback meditation experience
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Send Yumay a voice message: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/message
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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
You're in for a treat!
Raj Montage, the host of podcasts "The On-Call Empath," interviewed me to learn what it was like growing up in Asia with abusive parents. We went into specifics on how it impacts me today, steps I've taken to heal myself, and why I started LifeIsLoveSchool.com to help survivors.
Please subscribe and leave us a review. Your review will help us reach more people. Also, consider supporting us with a small monthly donation so we can do more shows like this to help people.
For more discussions, join us on Facebook, where I post daily tips on healing and self-love.
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Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
How do we stay strong after leaving a toxic relationship? Following the last episode, Yumay will give you insights to help you stay strong during the no contact period. For more discussions, join us on Facebook at “Life Is Love School.”
Send Yumay a voice message: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/message
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
How do we stay strong after leaving a toxic relationship? In this episode and next, Yumay will give you insights to help you stay strong during the no contact period. For more discussions, join us on Facebook at “Life Is Love School.”
Send Yumay a voice message: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/message
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Connect with fellow survivors and access free resources:
https://linktr.ee/lifeisloveschool
What are triggers, and how do we work with them in the context of a close relationship? If we don’t know how to handle triggers, it can be an area of conflict and misunderstanding.
In this episode, Yumay shares how to recognize triggers and how to communicate what triggers us with our partner skillfully, so we bring them into our world as an alley.
For more discussions, join us on Facebook at “Life Is Love School.”
Send Yumay a voice message: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/message
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/life-is-love-school/support