closetjudas: Recent Episodes
closetjudas
"closetjudas" is the moniker given to the songs written, recorded + produced by mike powell. like my music? i don't want your money. donate to "tiny changes" (tinychanges.com).
the fire has gone out – your valkyries have taken it away no dream of mine remains. all levity, optimism coloured grey don’t pity me or think you’re safe hunters of hope give no escape one day you’ll find you feel the same forgotten name, forgotten names
i thought you might take notice of these things i did, respond with love acknowledgment for what’s deserved, communicate that i was heard but give a damn? it’s clear you don’t will i forget? my memory’s bad i’m at a loss for which is worse your carelessness, or willful hurt
you choose to kill, my fate to lose your valkyries i can’t refuse
now – who’s to blame for the disfigurement of emotional health? i’m half responsible + of that fact there is no doubt but is it fair for me to think your inaction could be a link to my malaise? well, i ask you: is reciprocation one-way or two?
that smile only covers over aversion the verity of tightly-pressed teeth the saying one thing when you mean another is as simulated as it seems all the faces you don’t realize you’re making betray false security if you took a moment to realize you’re acting well, maybe then you would see that your carefully chosen words are equal to the sight of your well-pressed clothes it is a forced + contrived standard of normal you insist is good for us both but if all that’s accepted is your sole perspective and my life incomparibly loathed then i’m calling out your supposed distinction begging you to break the bloody fourth
[lana wachowski, human rights campaign visibility award acceptance speech, 2012] “invisibility is indivisible from visibility...it can be the difference between life + death.”
opposer / a poser of your blood, sister + bro / if you think you’re better of your kin, sister + brother / if you consider them “other”
are we so very different, or could it be we’re the same our alikeness – unmistakably red – courses unseen through our veins consanguineous comrades on an artificial stage we all end up unavoidably breathless trapped together in this same cage
it’s always getting better – yo, take a look at this graph no mysteries prevail – i’ve done all the calculations for ya it’s always getting better – it’s been a minute since the last genocide progress can never fail – and it has nothing to do with that year we were stuck inside it’s always getting better – there’s no need to question what is true no work to make real change – it’s very unlikely we’ll make the same mistakes it’s always getting better – everlasting 15-second filtered wisdom one click to cure + save – clouds are superior to materialism it’s always getting better – that surrogate you is ever awake our statements marked as “read” – the whole world, everyone, in your home it’s always getting better – in real time, conscious icons green computers in our beds - interconnection through a screen
if you’re not a part of the revolution you’re standing at odds with the right solution insert coin to continue, if not you’ll regret the future is digital, not found on cassette
it’s always getting better – don’t pull a trigger, text a drone “cancel” to terminate – the distance makes it trouble-free it’s always getting better – your opinion matters more than theirs wash hands of people’s fate – it’s their own fault if they despair it’s always getting better – you’re on our side if you agree new versions every day – update, or face being left behind it’s always getting better – if the future seems bleak regarding this Earth of ours no room for your dismay – not to worry: it will be better on Mars
progress is determined by those who will break commitments that others would not ever make themselves fallout is expected, it’s “par for the course” i speak using clichés, more common than morse code assimilate now, that’s the only way it’s planned obsolescence if you choose to delay your ancestors, outdated, were unlearned asses so, step back in line + obey with the masses
never in all of this world’s history has there been a generation like this one. and there’s absolutely nothing – however small – that could act as an impediment to the certainty + contentment we desire. we’re more moral, altruistic + loving as humans than ever before. and there’s no one in any country who is lacking the most basic needs. we are the most connected as people, there’s no reason for anyone to feel alone, and if you happen to think differently, that’s simply a sign that you’re part of the problem. so – sing with me, friend. you know the words: “it’s always getting better.”
land acknowledgment means nothing at all unless obligatory words translate into action to correct the damage done of having forcibly taken territory through coerced, autocratic “agreements” – treaties that would not exist had foreparents been content (restraining base desires to maximize boundaries), which was driven by a co-opted divine right of conquest limitlessly misapplied to gain control over land.
noitulover morf trapa dnuof eb lliw noitulos on dna noisulli siht hguorht kaerb ot krow ot erac ohw wef era ereht tub tcejbus ot “srehto” no leenk ot kcen a seriuqer eno hcae tceffe tuohtiw ton hguoht devirtnoc si yrtnuoc yreve
what are you going to do about it? nothing. words lacking follow through lack all significance what are you going to do about it? nothing. every border’s arbitrary, nations built on theft what are you going to do about it? nothing. it’s far too drastic to change something system-related no one wants to own up to the sham of their entitlement
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2rguci2 hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/34Ouj22
track 3 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
can you think of a time when you didn’t exist tell me then what do you think of death... if you weren’t who you are before you were born is there difference at your final breath?
it’s clear from all things we’re here + then gone yet, you argue that our mooring’s fixed our depth is slight, subcutaneous candles burn so long as there’s a wick
we anxiously speak to each other in code trading candor for mendacity digging bunkers below, or missiles to board chronic reaching for infinity
we recognize the light is decreasing final equinoxes have been passed and the darkest day will endure, unending with each night longer than the last
if you think i’m mistaken, that there must be more and convinced you know something i don’t it might be worth re-confirming your sources you should, but i know you won’t
you’re content with the solace of a simulation flipping off your mortality but what if all there is, is all that’s here no afterward to this story?
you can’t believe, intent + purposed to fight it i’m not there + my white flag has burned because of a lasting, disastrous picture like a page which can’t be unturned
if somewhere above there’s a cosmic control room it’s vacant, or there’s a sign flashing “d-n-d” + the door is locked.
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/33Y9hOS hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/3429uAz
track 1 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
the quote at the beginning of the track is from the second season of the german series "dark" (episode 5, called "lost + found"). here is the translation: "a person lives three lives. the first ends with the loss of naïveté, the second with the loss of innocence, and the third with the loss of life itself. it is inevitable that we go through all three stages."
does anyone know the way to get to california i thought i knew but turned out to be wrong it says that i’m half-way (my map to california) but the road i’m on is taking far too long…
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2sU8GAH hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/36ERspB
track 6 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas. this was the second official single from the album.
official music video: https://youtu.be/RQ1RdXjH84E
official lyric video: https://youtu.be/a80lqIQSQuI
it’s cool you found all of the answers i guess that means that i am lost thanks for writing me off like a defect as if i haven’t counted the cost surely i am the one who’s mistaken cause your sources are much better than mine it makes me feel so great when you judge me for being deaf, when my hearing’s fine must be nice sitting high on that royal chair aiming pity at the creatures below if i’m lucky, i might be acknowledged maybe told something i already know
i’d like to stay, this way my home but the more i say, the less there’s room we were the same not long ago once comrades fighting well-defined foes yet, battlelines have been redrawn so, it’s not clear whose side i’m on i’m tired of being for or against i just want to be, take down the fence if only you could bracket out those things that cause you fear (like doubt) and be done with all pretense admit that life does not make sense screw absolutes, they’re all contrived stories to help us stay alive the only certain thing is death until then “love’s” my shibboleth
it’s cool you found all of the answers i guess that means that i am lost thanks for writing me off like a defect as if i haven’t counted the cost surely i am the one who’s mistaken cause your sources are much better than mine it makes me feel so great when you judge me for being deaf, when my hearing’s fine
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2Shr0Oq hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/2ZdNOQp
track 4 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
your silence offers me no healing your attention payment due if you’ve refrained from all your speaking i cannot wait around for you
our one-way conversations bore me perhaps it’s just my point of view but if you insist on keeping distance i cannot wait around for you i will not wait around for you
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/34NeQiE hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/2ZfgGaQ
track 5 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
“wherever it is we find ourselves, the gravity of our situation demands that we act, yet the most human response is not flight to some distant hoped-for eden above, nor to fall to the ground in hopeless despair...we need a different story to live by, one that isn’t about abandoning this world, but committing to it. to transition into such a myth – one that pushes us beyond our ache for transcendence – we will need to go to new places and do new things. the first step towards this will surely be about learning to love, looking outwards from the self, upwards from the ground even though we know that it will – at some unknown time – take us” (from “getting high: a savage journey to the heart of the dream of flight” by kester brewin).
made to be confined / drawn to take our leave from earth though infallibly we land / bound by physics, down to dust (sky is calling) increase our efforts to depart / desolations overwhelm but no force that we expend / can effect desired ascent (we keep falling) still we try + fail; repeat / long for any place but here til we get to where we want / find that “there” is carbon-copied (sky is calling) could it be that we are wrong? / error in the calculation what if we weren’t build for flight / we’re terrestrial, not projectiles (we keep falling)
valid (the password isn’t working) launch code (and it’s not just your memory) missing (the vessel’s clearly broken – maybe it was never meant to be a getaway) reset (rest your feet upon the solid ground) anchor (find a chair, make yourself a drink) fulcrum (life’s the hinge on which we turn – the grave’s our horizon)
all attempts at peace / speed the progress of regression emptiness behind the veil / poured concrete; no transcendental (sky is falling) there’s no mass that is enough / there’s no changing bleak inertia motionless we all remain / dreaming up suspended bodies (we keep calling) feckless emptying of self / can’t escape our own daydreaming only long to lift away / hit the gravel – featherless (sky is falling) we remain simple machines / gaikokujin of the clouds pivot-point of non-existence / lacking contact; feeling spectral (we keep calling)
it’s no secret that we are each mortal all vitality will soon relapse our significance is expiring another useless book upon a shelf with each breath the void is getting closer no rescue plan will ever succeed better to deny illusion’s death-grip when so little of our selves remain instead of vainly reaching upward make-believing with our eyes closed tight accept as given we are wingless creatures and that we cannot take our leave from this place if we happen to regain our footing existing will not be made much easier but we might find what we thought had been lost is found securely planted in the dirt
valid launch code missing reset anchor fulcrum, fulcrum
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/37Pdrdf hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/3bT7HSS
track 9 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
close your mouth – the holy war is neither of the two too much blood has been wasted on things we’ll never know no amount of eyeless trust can give us ears to hear here is where the river that i’m in goes out to sea see the edge grow distant as the moon brings in the tide tied, my hands – resigned to let the current guide me forth
i won’t name the nameless anymore i’ve run out of peace, my soul is sore december’s great pretender has lost the war my hope is on the floor...on the floor
(we can’t unsee what we haven’t seen can’t unhear what never has been voiced)
over + out, i’m caught in a swell, i soon will be sinking what is real that hasn’t been revealed? the sand is running down there’s no light, i’m floating north of hell, it doesn’t seem you care why don’t you heal? or listen to appeal? and are you even there?
too much blood has been wasted on things we’ll never (know) (no) amount of eyeless trust can give us ears to (hear) (here) is where the river that i’m in goes out to (sea) (see) the edge
“the moon is full, weakly pushing back the darkness, carrying on its illusion of light. illudere, the latin verb to mock. so many illusions i have had to break, so many ways i’ve been mocked by the above, believing the myth of its illumination. we have been to the moon, divined a complex astrology of the distant stars. we have explored inner worlds and conjured angelic devices that will fit in our pockets. ‘peace be upon you,’ the angels say, but peace will not emanate from the cloud. i know that real salvation lies in accepting that we will not be saved. i know that life cannot be about the promise of riches in heaven. it must instead be about facing the abyss, shrugging at the mystery of the lack of planetary meaning, but lifting our heads and deciding to look out for one another regardless. in the days i have ahead of me i know that there will continue to be pain as well as joy. i’m realistic; things won’t ever make perfect sense. the galaxies tend towards entropic greyness. the universe doesn’t care; only we can do that” (from “getting high: a savage journey to the heart of the dream of flight” by kester brewin).
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2TE7Faz hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/2G5hoz0
track 7 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
as good a father as i’m a son double disappointing child in your insolence i see myself it confirms that i’m the one who’s shite at that “do unto” rule cause i get so easily riled self-centredness is my default no regard for family health i wouldn’t like me if i were you each day i’m a proper tool treating open wounds with stares + salt wishing i was someone new
are these words about me? and do you sing along? cause they apply equally had you signed your name to this song
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2Xvpzw5 hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/2pwnIuv
track 2 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
sorry i had the impression you cared it must have been related to the notion that you’re there but that’s debatable – maybe i’m wrong in the springless winter i’ve found myself in this furtive truth no longer satisfies – same as valhalla though i’d like to concede if i had something i could confirm then maybe i would see but suspending what i cannot hear is not an option for me and while it might be meaningful to you with no shore around be sure to close the door when you go i’m done with all this waiting
what leads to all this desolation? pretend i’m not marooned like i am
you had the impression i cared it must have been related to the notion i was there but that’s debatable – maybe you’re wrong in the springless fall you’ve found yourself in that elusive truth no longer satisfies – it’s just like heaven though you might concede if you had some way to verify maybe you would see that ignoring what you cannot hear it’s not an option – it’s never been and while it was the path that i chose with no shore around i’ll be sure to close the door behind me if you plan to waste your time
desperately seeking consolation, settle for dulling melancholy
seaworthy, soil-bound, shipwrecked, signal fire s.o.s., shadow falls, standstill, silent crowd sprit aches, space remains, sky ignores, song fades...
tri-polar, wax + wane like the moon; my faith is gone, you’ve left me alone
reminds me of a conversation we never had, so i guess i’m done
official music video: https://youtu.be/laSJ2qiM-Js
read the explanation: https://bit.ly/2S8FEXR hear the explanation: https://bit.ly/2S8DkQq
track 8 of 9 from the 2019 album "lunacy + the second naïveté" by closetjudas.
"lunacy" is a short story that i wrote in the summer of 2017 (see below). "destroy the moon" is its distillation into a song. the premise is that an extremist religious group is ultimately responsible for the annihilation of all life on Earth. impatient for the world's end + egotistically zealous for their convictions to be substantiated, they set out to simulate and/or effect specific "signs" of divine judgment. quite simply, the story/song is a philosophical critique of all escapist theologies (i.e. any belief system that is more focused on an afterlife rather than our current existence). . . . lunacy: a short story . . . those once named the "hereafterists" never quite intended to annihilate all of the Earth's inhabitants when they furtively launched that final rocket into the night sky. having surreptitiously found a way to disrupt in unison all global tracking systems, the pioneers of their movement had only ever dreamed of catalyzing widespread panic. for if it could be incontrovertibly shown their religious assertions were legitimate - i.e. that certain seemingly "natural" disasters were a divine signal of impending doom - the underlying hope was that the number of fervent adherents would grow exponentially. however, a faction existed who were persuaded their foreparents' vision was too myopic + they were not interested in merely creating a simulation. perhaps - it was assumed - if the world were to really experience the imminence of being completely undone, the All-maker would at last bring history to an end; for all they knew, it was their action that was the missing element required to inaugurate the long-awaited After Beyond. but they were wrong. and as the neo-nuclear missile reached its destination, the Voice spoke for the first + last time, saying: "there was never more than this." the lunar detonation was total + its fragments were pulled into our atmosphere - altogether blocking out the sun with ash + continually showering the ground, rivers, lakes + seas with fiery rocks from what used to be the Moon.
we were wrong – so sure about our assumptions looking only to the after beyond tore out our lungs – we scorched the earth for profit less we breathe, sooner that we’re gone fought, raced + won – sedated our fear of the senseless with the notion that it won’t be long over-drawn – the time we thought it would take for the world to fully de-create intolerant – of the people who mock us who correctly say our leader’s late counterfeit – fabricated destruction forced the hand of super-natural fate missile launch – splintered the sun’s reflector killed the planet cause we couldn’t wait
we won’t be alright it seems there was never more than this
the alternate version of "destroy the moon," which is the first single from the forthcoming album "lunacy + the second naïveté." based on the short story "lunacy" by m. w. powell (below).
DESTROY THE MOON
we were wrong - so sure about our assumptions / looking only to the After Beyond
tore out our lungs - we scorched the Earth for profit / less we breathe, sooner that we're gone
fought, raced + won - sedated our fear of the senseless / with the notion that it won't be long
over-drawn - the time we thought it would take / for the world to fully de-create
intolerant - of the people who mock us / who correctly say our leader's late
counterfeit - fabricated destruction / forced the hand of super-natural Fate
missile launch - splintered the Sun's reflector / killed the planet cause we couldn't wait
we won't be alright - it seems there was never more than this.
LUNACY: A SHORT STORY
those once named the "hereafterists" never quite intended to annihilate all of the Earth's inhabitants when they furtively launched that final rocket into the night sky. having surreptitiously found a way to disrupt in unison all global tracking systems, the pioneers of their movement had only ever dreamed of catalyzing widespread panic. for if it could be incontrovertibly shown their religious assertions were legitimate - i.e. that certain seemingly "natural" disasters were a divine signal of impending doom - the underlying hope was that the number of fervent adherents would grow exponentially. however, a faction existed who were persuaded their foreparents' vision was too myopic + they were not interested in merely creating a simulation. perhaps - it was assumed - if the world were to really experience the imminence of being completely undone, the All-maker would at last bring history to an end; for all they knew, it was their action that was the missing element required to inaugurate the long-awaited After Beyond. but they were wrong. and as the neo-nuclear missile reached its destination, the Voice spoke for the first + last time, saying: "there was never more than this." the lunar detonation was total + its fragments were pulled into our atmosphere - altogether blocking out the sun with ash + continually showering the ground, rivers, lakes + seas with fiery rocks from what used to be the Moon.
dedicated to the memory of scott hutchison (from frightened rabbit).
lyrics: http://closetjudas.tumblr.com/post/174247311841/queensferry-lyrics
explanation: http://closetjudas.tumblr.com/post/174259347421/queensferry-an-explanation
a counterpart/follow-up track to the "fringe faith(ful)" project.
there are three parts of me: the person that believes the one who wants to but doesn’t completely and then there’s the thoroughly existential side of me
there’s the me that truly knows something the one who has an inkling of the divine and the other third that’s just making stuff up
we’re all each other’s pharisee we’re all each other’s Christ…
it’s probably better for us both if i remain within the shadows that way you will not see me as the monster i’ve become though i’m living, i’m unlike anything you see as natural if you knew, you’d raise the gallows and i’d be the first to hang i didn’t wish this on myself, this hybrid me that has developed the chrysalis is gone and i’ve emerged a different man you’d do well to look away as my presence will disturb you and the void that has consumed me may stare into your face i won’t fault you for your fear of all that’s taken place inside me just don’t blame me for those things that are outside of my control i never chose this state of conflict that i feel behind my ribcage surprised i’m still together these ten years they have been long self-medication has been useful but it only works in short bursts the emptiness returns i’m worse off than i was before i’ve tried all i can to realign my thoughts with what is standard but can’t pretend i’m not the shapeless image standing here as i step into the light don’t be afraid of what’s before you i’ve accepted that i will not be accepted as i am all i ask is that you will not crucify me like my Lord was who died because He loved and unlike us He gave a damn but if my being is too much for your small heart to welcome transformation too extreme for your blind eyes to behold here’s the hammer and some nails the cross i carry i submit to
we’re all each other’s pharisee we’re all each other’s Christ…
i want to believe in you.
(not paradise)
the sixth song from the FRINGE FAITHFUL project (2015).
explained: http://closetjudas.tumblr.com/post/136161749446/pari-dise-not-paradise
the third song from the FRINGE FAITHFUL project (2015).
lyrics + explanation: t.co/tW1NJ3tc5H
the fifth song from the FRINGE FAITHFUL project (2015).
explained here: http://closetjudas.tumblr.com/post/131628932116/new-tenements-explained
the fourth song from the FRINGE FAITHFUL project (2015)...explained here: http://ow.ly/SglI7.
quote: “what is a poet? a poet is someone who screams out in agony, who cries out, and yet who’s lips are so formed that when they scream, beautiful music is heard. so when we say to the poet, ‘play to us again,’ what we’re really saying is, ‘may new disasters befall you’”(attributed to søren kierkegaard + shared by peter rollins in his youtube video “enacting doubt”): http://ow.ly/SgnhX.