Supermom is Getting Tired: Recent Episodes
Torie Henderson
You love being a mom but get overwhelmed, lost and resentful by all the parenting responsibilities. Listen as life coach, teacher and parent educator, Torie Henderson, answers common parenting questions from hard working Supermoms. Are you exhausted from working hard all day but still feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Do you want to feel calm, energized and in control? Then this podcast is for you.
Episode # 171 – Relief from Money Worries with Liz Carroll Here, we usually talk about whatever is stressing moms out the most. So even thought I focus mostly on parenting issues, money is something that effects all of us and is a big source of stress. Today I am interviewing Liz Carroll from MindfulMoneyMethod.com. ... Read more...
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Episode # 171 - Relief from Money Worries with Liz CarrollI coach moms on whatever is stressing them out the most.So even thought I focus mostly on parenting issues, money is something that effects all of us and is a big source of stress.Today I am interviewing Liz Carroll from MindfulMoneyMethod.com. She's going to talk to us about how to build your own Financial Freedom & Relief Plan.I love her approach and I know you will, too, because it's all about reducing fear, overwhelm, guilt and shame. Plus, she specializes in working with women our age!Liz Carroll is a life-long student and teacher of making mindful money moves. Originally believing she was "bad with money," Liz did the hard work to rewrite her money story. She needed to drop limiting beliefs about how a woman can earn and manage money to set her up for financial success in a way she would commit to and follow. It worked. Liz attained financial independence and retired early from her corporate IT sales career.Now, in her encore career, Liz helps other women experience calm confidence with their finances by unpacking and shifting their own money story. She has the unique ability to shed light onto darkness around money, making complex personal finance issues simple. She created the Mindful Money Method, a financial wellness course and coaching program that utilizes a holistic approach to math, mindset and soul-guided desires. Liz is a Certified Financial Coach from Ramsey Solutions, a Certified Life Coach from The Life Coach School and a 200-RYT Yoga & Meditation Instructor from Purna Yoga College. She and her husband live on the Oregon Coast. Their adult children visit regularly.The Mindful Money Method 9 week Class starts July 2nd! (and I've got a secret discount code for Supermoms!)This class is for you if you feel:Unorganized or Overwhelmed Managing MoneyAnxious or Guilty Spending About MoneyTrapped or Resentful Earning MoneyLost or Confused on Your Next Money MoveIt doesn't matter if you are $250K in debt or have a $5M net worth. This is course is for you if you are feeling irresponsible, anxious or overwhelmed by money.[maxbutton id="4" url="https://www.mindfulmoneymethod.com/yes" ]
Use coupon code MINDFUL 30 to get 30% off!! Sign up at https://www.mindfulmoneymethod.com/yesBecome a woman that EARNS without shame or resentment, SPENDS without guilt or remorse and INVESTS without anxiety or overwhelm.Take a deep breath, the Mindful Money Method is like yoga for your money, calm & effective.
Episode #170 – How to turn off “Task Master mode” and have fun with my 13 year old boy. Question of the Day: I’m pretty sure my kid is going to grow up and remember me as a nagging, grumpy task master. He’s barely 13 and our relationship is already on thin ice. On the ... Read more...
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Episode #170 - How to turn off "Task Master mode" and have fun with my 13 year old boy.Question of the Day:
I’m pretty sure my kid is going to grow up and remember me as a nagging, grumpy task master. He’s barely 13 and our relationship is already on thin ice. On the rare ocassions when I can relax and be silly with him, his whole demeanor changes and we get along great. I know that my attitude effects him in (mostly) in a negative way.
I don’t think of myself as negative, I relax and have fun with friends or co-workers. It’s just when I see my son, I see a walking to-do list. He might be telling me about his day at school but in my head, I hear “Ok, he needs to email the teacher about this and I’ll need to buy posterboard and glue sticks.” or I’ll see him laying on the couch and think, “he needs to wash his feet they are gross”, but then he does it and I immediately switch to, “and now he should clean his room and do his laundry.”
I don’t see him as a playmate or someone to have fun with (unless I’m on vacation). Maybe I don’t know how to have fun with a 13 year old boy? But he responds so well when I’m silly and playful, I think we could both enjoy these years more if I could learn how to become a fun mom instead of a nagging mom.
Parent Educator Answer: Use your left brain to connect to your right.Your self awareness is this question is super impressive. You know you have a conditioned response to “mother” him instead of “play” when you see him. You see that he responds well when you are light and playful. You want him to remember you as a fun mom as well as a mom who gets things done so your motivation is there. It sounds like you just aren’t sure how to do it.
How do you look at a kid with incomplete tasks, dirty feet, a messy room and ignore it all and see him as someone to have fun with?
How does one switch their brain from productive Task Master momma to the “relax and play” brain channel?
You’ve got to use your left brain to connect to your right.
Play, creativity, and humor are right brain activities. Productive Task Master Momma is a left brain activity so I say we use that left brain in order to access the right.
First is to recognize that this is probably how you have organized your life for the last decade or two. You wake up in the morning with a question in your mind, “What needs to get done?” and then you get to work accomplishing tasks. Once those tasks are complete, you relax and play. This might have worked for you in the past but no adolescent wants to be seen as a walking to-do list.
You’ll want to give your brain an update. Let it know that you are no longer responsible for his dressing, feeding, personal hygeine, and basic care. He does not represent chores for you to complete, he is a little human looking to share his experiences with you.
The reason you want him to finish all his tasks is so that you can relax and then find some fun. But instead of this work first, relax second habit, think about flowing between work and play in a more relaxed and playful way. Little kids do this naturally, work and play naturally flow with one to another. This is a more natural, less stressful way to live.
I had a client whose son was planning his birthday celebration. It started out small, just an outing with a couple of friends. But then he started adding on people, and activities. “First we go bowling, then we meet up with more friends at the mall and take them paint balling, then pizza and a sleepover, etc.” My client was getting stressed out by his enthusiastic planning but instead of getting serious with him, she got silly and joined in. “That sounds awesome, and then we’ll get the whole 7th grade to pile into rented party buses and drive to Disneyland!” Not only did he love her light hearted response, he got the message that he was going overboard with his planning and she didn’t have to be the negatvie task master.
The book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Faber and Mazlish call this strategy “Giving them what they want in fantasy.” It helps kids feel understood, while not actually giving in to what they want.
Another strategy this book gives is to use roll playing to keep things light. When he’s telling you about school and you are hearing a to-do list in your head, take out a yellow pad of paper and pretend you are his secretary. “Poster board and glue stick from the dollar store. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?”
When you see his dirty feet on the couch you can try on a foreign accent pretending to be a shocked and offended housekeeper or a butler for the British royal family who cannot believe the horror he is witnessing.
One of the nice changes puberty brings to adolescents is the ability to understand sarcasm. Not everyone gets it, so be sure not to offend, but see if this can be a fun way to add silliness to your parenting repertoire. “I know how hard it is for you to relax when your room is messy so I’ll keep this seat warm for you while you go tidy up. Someday you’ll be a chilled out lazy bum like your Momma.” Saying the opposite of reality will throw him off guard.
Plan and prepare for playfulness.
You don’t have to be in a light hearted mood, in order to create a light hearted mood. Picking my kids up at school was not a joyful time. They were grumpy and exhausted and humor wasn’t on anyone’s minds. I would sit in car line and google a joke to tell them when they got into the car or find a silly video I thought they would enjoy. I used my serious left brain, to help all of us shift into a more relaxed, playful state.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way of using your left brain to access a more playful state of mind? Our central nervous system.If our task list triggers a fight or flight response, it’s going to be really hard to change that channel.
The Central Nervous System acts like a traffic signal. Red is the FREEZE response. Yellow is the FIGHT / FLIGHT response. Green is PLAY, RELAX, SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT. HUMOR. SILLINESS. LIGHT HEARTED.
When we get overwhelmed by too many tasks, or believe there are dire consequences for not getting through our to-do list, this inner Task Master isn’t going anywhere.
The Top 5 most popular mantras that keep mom’s central nervous systems out of the green, relaxed, play state are:
“If I take my eye off the ball, something important will slip through the cracks.”
“If I take time to rest and play, more work will pile up.”
“If I make light of this situation, my kid won’t understand how important it is.”
“A good mom wouldn’t allow this behavior.”
“If I don’t address this small problem now, bigger problems will arise later.”
It takes time, attention, and a skilled life coach to help you let go of these beliefs but the reward for your effort is a more relaxed and playful relationship with yourself as well as your kiddo.
Supermom Power BoostTry this brainstorming activity to try and have more fun with your teenager.
Draw a 2 circle venn diagram (or 3 if you want to include another parent).
Write your name and your kids name in separate circles, then list things that seem fun to each of you. Fun is a feeling, not an activity, but there are certain activities that help encourage us to be present, connected, and playful.
Think of things that you love to do. Times when you said, "That was really fun". Look for themes like....
Nature, Uncertainty, Risk, Intellectual Stimulation, Physical Activity, Teaching, Exploring, Creating, Collecting, Entertaining, Learning, Strategizing, Performing, Demonstrating Mastery, Playing Games.
Write down some activities you love to do in your circle. Write down things your teen enjoys in his circle, and see if there is any overlap. If you can't find any, get less specific and more general. Let's say he likes wrestling and you like yoga, an overlap could be "physical activity". From there you might discover rock climbing as something new you'd both like to try.
Quote of the Day:"We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we’ve wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we’ve spent our brief moment in the sun." Catherine Price The Power of Fun
Letting Go As parents, we are in a constant state of letting go. Some of these things are easy like diapers or being woken up in the middle of the night. Others are hard like being the center of your child’s world and hugs. This week we are talking about Letting Go and the Who’s, ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 9 The Peacemaker – The Mediator If you resonate with every number on the enneagram, you might be 9. The Enneagram Type 9 can be called the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 8 The Challenger – The Leader If you are thinking, “I don’t believe in this Enneagram personality typing, what a stupid waste of time.” Then you might be an 8. Enneagram Type 8’s enjoy taking on challenges, as well as challenging authority figures, the status quo, or any obstacle that prevents them ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 7 – The Enthusiast – The Adventurer Sevens are defined by their desire to experience everything life has to offer while avoiding pain and boredom. They appear to others to be lively, fun-loving, optimistic and extroverted. Sevens are often very busy people who bounce from one activity to another in their quest to ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 6 – The Loyalist The Faithful Guardian – The Skeptic – The Doubter Type 6’s are dutiful & committed to their systems, groups, relationships and beliefs, and will hold on to these longer than other types. Once they align themselves with people and institutions they trust, they make excellent team players who are ... Read more...
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The Enneagram Type 5, often referred to as “The Investigator” or “The Observer,” is known for their thirst for knowledge, a desire to understand, and a tendency towards introspection and solitude. These perceptive, cerebral problem solvers are intensely curious and love to delve into topics that interest them. 5’s are lifelong learners and enjoy acquiring ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 4 Supermoms Enneagram Type 4 personalities are often known as “The Individualist” or “The Romantic.” Sensitive, creative, introspective, and unique, the enneagram type 4 craves authenticity and unique creative expression. Type 4s possess a rich inner world and often have a unique artistic sensibility. They are drawn to creative pursuits such as writing, ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type 3 – The Achiever Threes value achievement, results, and recognition and like to do their best. They tend to be ambitious, efficient, highly flexible and adaptable to help them accomplish their goals. Hard working and principled, Three’s can make reliable, devoted parents with the will and energy to be their best. Image-conscious: Maintaining ... Read more...
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Enneagram Type #2 The Giver – The Generous, Supportive Advisor Enneagram Type #2 Twos are warm, caring and welcoming at their core. Twos want to be liked and try to meet the needs of others. They are demonstrative and want to be valued for helping others and being a positive influence.Twos have ... Read more...
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Type #1 The Perfectionist – The Reformer The rational, principled, self controlled idealist Today I will help Enneagram Type #1’s understand their motivation, release the burden of perfection, trust in their goodness and finally relax. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are always striving to improve things, ... Read more...
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Introduction to the Enneagram for moms The next 9 episodes are designed to help us become saner, wiser, more compassionate, moms and humans. The enneagram types will reveal patterns about how you interpret the world, and the world around you. You will learn what’s holding you back and get tools and tips to feel ... Read more...
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Get Clarity in 2024 Mental and emotional clarity is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves but when you are surrounded by other people’s needs, personalities, demands and desires, self clarity is a difficult thing to access. When we feel clear, we know who we are and what we want. It makes it ... Read more...
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Episode 157 – Caught kid watching porn | Encore “Dear Torie, I am so upset. I just walked in on my 9 year old son. He was looking at our lap top and shut it as soon as I came in the room. I asked him what he was looking at and he said “nothing”. ... Read more...
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Dear Torie So….my pre-teen just pointed out that every time I have to drive him somewhere, I act annoyed. (which annoyed me). My teenager piggy backed on that saying I’m ALWAYS mad and yelling at her to pick up her things and do her chores. (which irritated me). My partner joined in saying he can’t ... Read more...
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Episode #155 “How do I get my kids to listen to me? | Encore” Question of the Day: “I feel like I walk around all day barking orders. ‘Pick up your shoes, turn off the TV, finish your homework, clear your plate.” I’m exhausted from the constant negotiating and push back I seem to ... Read more...
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Episode #154 – I can’t get anything done! – Replay Question of the Day: I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time ... Read more...
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Episode #153 Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start ... Read more...
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I feel bad , all the time, about everything. Episode #152 How to feel better about everything Question of the Day: Dear Torie You asked me on the coaching call what area of my life is causing me the least satisfaction. I’ve given it some thought and realized, it’s not just one area. I ... Read more...
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traveling different Vacation strategies for traveling with anxious, inflexible and neurodiverse children Episode #151 Have you ever been so excited for a getaway with the kids only to come back more exhausted than before you left? Similarly, you plan a relaxing vacation for your family but after the THIRD meltdown of the day you yell: ... Read more...
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Episode #150 – HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE PURPOSE Living your life’s purpose feels like a heavy topic, especially when your life is busy buying graduation cards, driving to baseball games and awards banquets. But my intention for this episode is to show you that following your destiny and fulfilling your life’s purpose is easy, ... Read more...
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Episode 149: Your Late Night Food Binge is Your Ticket to Happiness Interview with entrepreneur and master life coach, Corinne Crabtree This was a fun and fabulous interview with my colleague that you are sure to enjoy! Even if you don’t binge eat at night, it’s those evening hours that give you insight into your ... Read more...
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How To Take Care of My Own Emotional Needs Taking Care of Your Emotional Needs Question of the Day: How can I take care of my own emotional needs? I have tried too many times in too many ways to get my husband to be more empathetic and supportive. I want him to listen to ... Read more...
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I’m not getting it all done Episode 147: If only I had more TIME Dear Torie I’m not getting it all done! I have 4 school aged kids, 2 dogs, a part time job, a partner and a house. I am blessed and grateful for this full and busy life…BUT…it frustrates me that no ... Read more...
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Help for helicoptering Help for helicoptering Episode #146 – Resisting the Urge to Helicopter Question of the Day: Hi Torie, What do I do when my high schooler won’t ask for help at school and his grades are suffering? My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses, most ... Read more...
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Episode #145 – What makes your sensitive child tick? Understanding sensitive and sensory seeking kids Today’s podcast episode is the episode I wish I had when my first born was little. Today we are talking all things sensitive and sensory with Melissa Schwartz from www.LeadingEdgeParenting.com Understanding Sensory Seeking and Hypersensitive Children If your kid ... Read more...
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Episode #144 How much involvement is too much when it comes to teenage dating and friendships? Dear Torie, How do I guide my son as he enters and navigates the world of dating and new friendships? We recently started a new school (at age 13) and he is spending his time with a new group ... Read more...
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Episode #143 – Are My Hormones Out of Whack? Understanding Fatigue with Functional Medicine When clients get on a coaching call with me, sometimes they start the conversation with “I don’t know if it’s just my hormones but I’ve been super tired and cranky lately.” If are tired of feeling tired, and aren’t sure if ... Read more...
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Episode #142 Is there a RIGHT and WRONG way to do a vision board? I have been doing vision board workshops for so long that it feels like there is. My next workshop is coming up on Saturday, January 21st and you are ALL invited to join me on Zoom but it’s especially valuable for ... Read more...
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Episode 141: Why is my kid so ungrateful after Christmas? Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I should have seen it coming. The hype and high expectations for Christmas to be “the most wonderful time of the year” seems to cause my child to melt down after all the gifts have been opened. I’m seeing ... Read more...
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Homesick College Freshman Episode #140 My College Freshman Wants to Move Back Home. How do I help him? Question of the Day: Dear Torie My son is a freshman in college, living in the dorms and struggling as many do. He’s a few states away but has been home twice already to visit. Classes and ... Read more...
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How Less Stuff Makes Us Happier Interview with Krista Lockwood, founder of Motherhood Simplified With the frenzie of Black Friday shopping behind us, but more consuming ahead of us, now is the perfect time to hear from Krista Lockwood from Motherhood Simplified. Krista is a mom of 5 who teaches other moms how to de-clutter ... Read more...
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Taming the Holiday Crazies Episode #138 – Taming the Holiday Crazies… BEFORE they begin! Are the feasts and festivities of the holiday season guaranteed to drive you bonkers? When your to-do list triples this time of year, does your stress level triple along with it? Don’t let the holiday hassles weigh you down. Listen to ... Read more...
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Living with constant Criticism Episode #137 – Living with a teen who is constantly criticizing me. Question(s) of the Day: Dear Torie, I understand it’s normal for teenagers to think they know everything and that their parents are old fashioned and out of touch with reality, but living with constant criticism is something I didn’t ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: Kid Holding a Grudge Hello! I LOVE and look forward to listening to your podcast! I have three girls: 13, 11, and 9. My 9-year-old is a very bright, confident, gregarious, and tenacious young child. I do think that these are very strong qualities, but wonder if they get in the way of ... Read more...
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Episode #136 Is puberty knocking on your door? If so, then it’s time for “THE TALK”. Most parents want to be the ones to educate their kids about puberty, sexuality, and growing up, but it’s hard to know what to say, how to say it, and when is the right time! If you have a ... Read more...
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Podcast Episode #135 – Remaining Calm Amongst Chaos Question of the Day: How can I increase my tolerance of my rambunctious boys and remain calm more of the time? I have 3 high energy, loud, boisterous boys who are 3, 9 and 12. I have daily routines, a few clear rules and lots of sports ... Read more...
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Episode #134 Interview with Betsy Jensen “I don’t have time to relax.” “I’m exhausted but struggle to fall asleep” “I wake up feeling anxious” “I try to relax but it doesn’t work.” “If I take a break more work will pile up later.” “I can’t relax because I have too much to do.” If any ... Read more...
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Episode #133 Embarrassed by my children’s appearance Question of the Day: I’m glad this post is anonymous because I’m embarrassed to admit this but I want to get it off my chest and I think you will help me. I’m embarrassed by my children. I look at moms posting photos on IG ... Read more...
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Episode #132 – Help facilitate language in your stubborn child, in fun and playful ways. Question of the Day: From one mom to another I’m out of answers. My 7-year-old was easy – but my 4-year-old son…. no! He’s talking less this year than last year. He ignores me, the dog and his older ... Read more...
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Episode #131 How do you know you are doing enough as a mom? I am overall very satisfied and fulfilled with my life but I wish I could be more patient and kind. I’ve had a lot of family time this summer, much of it wonderful, but I find myself getting snappy and irritable with ... Read more...
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Boundaries for a teen who won’t get a summer job and sleeps all day. Episode #130 Question of the Day: My college kid is home for the summer and I’m struggling to know what boundaries I should have in place. She’s 19, very responsible, but she sleeps until 1:00pm and stays out late with her ... Read more...
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How do I prioritize when there are so many demands on my time? Episode #129 Question of the Day: “I’m on summer break along with my kids. I’ve got a 7 week break from my job but I’m overwhelmed by all the competing priorities on my time. I want to use this time to relax ... Read more...
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Dear Supermoms, I was planning to release a podcast called “How to prioritize when you are pulled in multiple directions.” I’m going to put that one out next week instead because I have been so affected by the overturning of Roe vs. Wade by the U.S. Supreme Court that I created a special episode for ... Read more...
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Interview with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr Episode #127 of the Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast Preventing Working Mom Burnout Dr Jacqueline Kerr is a mom, behavior scientist and burnout survivor. She is in the top 1% of most cited scientists worldwide. Dr Kerr left her position as a public health professor in 2018 and now hosts ... Read more...
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Have you left a review for the Supermom is Getting Tired podcast? Now is your chance! The first 25 people to leave a review will save $100. on a 12 week coaching package! Go to LifeCoachingforParents.com/review Thank you! Good Karma awaits! Episode #126 My house is my kryptonite Dear Torie, Being in ... Read more...
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How much energy do you spend TRYING to get your kids to do things? Are you tired of constantly nagging and repeating yourself? This free masterclass will teach you how to get your kids to listen (and OBEY!), the first time you ask, freeing up your energy for more fun and important things. You are ... Read more...
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Episode 124: “I need a summer survival guide I can stick to.” Question of the Day: Dear Torie, Summer is coming and I can already anticipate my kids wanting nothing but to sit on their devices all day. Without the structure the school year provides, there is just too much down time and in my ... Read more...
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Episode #123 “No matter how much I give, they still want more.” Question of the Day: “I’ve given my 3 daughters everything. I think I’ve been a good mom and they tell me so. I know I’m very lucky that my 3 adolescent daughters love me so much and still want to be with ... Read more...
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Episode #123 "No matter how much I give, they still want more."
Question of the Day: “I’ve given my 3 daughters everything. I think I’ve been a good mom and they tell me so. I know I’m very lucky that my 3 adolescent daughters love me so much and still want to be with me, but… sometimes I wish they were more independent. I hear moms complain about their daughter’s hanging out in the room too much, or always going out with friends, and I kind of wish my girls were more like that. It seems that no matter how much of my love, companionship, attention or support I give them, they still want more. They are 12, 15, and 17 and they still want me to cook for them, watch TV with them, go shopping with them, do their hair, or just hang out with them. When can I expect them to want more independence? I’d really like to have some free time to do the things I want to do.”
Missy
Parent Educator Answer: Looking at the social and emotional milestones we expect to see in girls, it would be normal to expect a push towards independence at the ages your girls are. Between the ages of 10-14, girls tend to create (or crave) more emotionally intimate relationships with their peers. You might see the advent of a tight knit group or clique, or a “best friend” situation emerge.
Some cultures have a very significant right of passage to help a child shift their identity from child to adult. In the absence of a ceremony, it takes on a more gradual process. The tight friend or group helps the child feel more comfortable being away from mom and dad. It’s a way to practice independence without being thrust out on your own.
Even though it is developmentally appropriate to see this shift, social distancing through a wrench into a lot of normal developmental expectations for teens.
If your daughters have made it through ages 15 - 17 and still consider you their best friend, it’s time for you to encourage independence in them.
It might seem like a wonderful thing to have girls who want you with them all the time, but if you aren’t seeing them take on new challenges, making new friends or striving towards independence, you may have to act like a momma bird, nudge them out of the nest and show them they are capable of using their wings.
If you have a toddler who just wanted to be carried around all the time, and wasn’t interested in learning to walk, you would find a way to balance your child’s desire with what you know is good for them. You would put them down, and give big smiles and praise when they cruised on furniture. You would celebrate their developmental milestones by taking pictures and sharing their successes with other family members. When they got tired, you would put them in the stroller. After a day of developing their skill, you would hold them and put them to bed. As a mom, our job is to love, nurture, and provide, while also encouraging them to grow into independent adults.
If your teens aren’t actively seeking independence, it’s time for Momma to encourage it, praise it, celebrate it and hold them accountable. The love, care and nurture can come AFTER your teens can demonstrate they are taking on new adult challenges, trying something new and uncomfortable, going outside their comfort zone, spending time cultivating friendships, or any striving towards independence.
We want to make sure we are always growing and learning, not avoiding challenges out of fear.
Some examples of developmentally appropriate independent activities for 12-17 year olds are:
Cooking for themselves and the family.
Cleaning up their room, bathroom and kitchen.
Yard work.
Babysitting, pet sitting and house sitting for other families.
Riding public transportation (by themselves).
Applying for jobs.
Making appointments for themselves.
Hosting/coordinating parties and gatherings for friends.
Traveling without mom and dad.
Walking to the store to buy groceries.
Talking to teachers about school work.
When you’ve created a cozy little nest, it makes sense that your kids wouldn’t want to leave it. But like all moms in the animal kingdom, our job is to teach our kids how to survive in the wild. If we don’t create some constructive adversity, our kids may never get to see how capable they truly are.
We need to encourage our kids to seek out challenges that are difficult, embarrassing, awkward, and uncomfortable. They can’t be confident until they’ve developed competence and they don’t get competent without making some uncomfortable mistakes first.
If your girls ARE taking on new challenges, growing and adulting, they just want mom by their side, then we move to the life coaching answer.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from encouraging our teens to be more independent? A belief that it’s our job to make them comfortable and a belief that it’s not ok to prioritize our needs over theirs.
You can hear it in the question.
Missy says, “I want them to not need me so much.” “They want me to be with them”
You know what you want, which is great, but who is currently GETTING what they want?
The girls.
Why? Why do they get what they want instead of you?
Because there is some kind of belief that says,
“It’s my job to make them happy.” or
“I’m supposed to ignore what I want and give them what they want.” or
“Their desires are more important than mine.”
Because they want you, you are somehow required by law to obey them?
What would happen if you did what YOU wanted? Let’s imagine that your whole day is crafted exactly the way YOU want it. No more prioritizing other people’s desires above your own. You just get to arrange your day the way that works best for you.
What would your mornings look like?
If you could do what you wanted, how would you spend your afternoon and evening?
What would you do on the weekend if it was totally up to you?
Can you see that flipping this dynamic would make your girls uncomfortable?
That’s exactly what we want! To nudge them out of the nest using natural constructive adversity!
When they are hungry, and no one is cooking for them, they might try cooking. They might burn something, break a dish or explode something in the microwave, perfect! That’s what the road to independence looks like!
When they get lonely or bored, they might reach out to a friend. They might be brave and invite them to do something fun: go bowling or roller skating or just meet at a coffee shop and flirt with the barista. Wonderful! Taking emotional risks is the best way to prevent social anxiety. Celebrate your daughter’s bravery, we need more teenagers willing to take the social lead!
Our job is not to make our kids comfortable, our job is to encourage them to live in the “growth zone”. In between the comfort zone and the discomfort zone, is the GROWTH ZONE. When we live in the growth zone, life feels exciting. We build resilience by taking risks, falling on our face, and trying again the next day. We learn, we fail, we grow, we try again. This is living.
It’s time to let go of the old beliefs that were true when they were babies “It’s my job to make them comfortable” and update the brain to raising adolescents by adopting the belief, “It’s my job to make them UNCOMFORTABLE.”
Remember, children learn by imitation so if YOU are struggling to go outside YOUR comfort zone, take on new challenges and make mistakes, starting with yourself is the first order of business.
Make a new friend, go on an adventure, hire a life coach, and then brag to your girls about how proud you are of yourself. Soon, the whole family can grow together and celebrate each other's growth.
Supermom Kryptonite - When being around your child drains all your energy.
This is a hard thing to describe but important to recognize. All kids drain their mom’s energy to some degree but some children have the ability to drain it in a unique way. The best way I’ve found to describe it is like the kid’s battery is running low and they plug into their MOM as their outlet. They use mom's energy to power themselves up.
Most of us, when we are running low on energy, will power up with sleep, rest, zoning out, solitude, food, or just relaxing in the sunshine with a good book. It’s normal for young kids to feel calmed and comforted by their mom’s presence. This is different. Some kids will power up their energy by TAKING it from their mom.
The moms I’ve coached who are stuck in this predicament have a hard time getting help for it because it’s hard to describe. I’m always so glad they found my podcast and have come in for life coaching because this is a no-win situation.
Kids need to learn to fill up their own tank and moms need as much energy as they can get. If you know anyone who seems to lose themselves around their kids, turns into a “zombie mommy” after spending a short time with their child, or feels fully alive away from kids, but flatlines when around them, please send them this podcast and encourage them to schedule a free discovery call.
Sometimes this energy draining phenomenon looks like a child LOVING on mom: touching, demanding eye contact, pulling, clinging, wanting to be physically and emotionally intertwined. A "velcro child".
Other times it looks like a child “throwing emotions at mom”. For example, a child stubs her toe, looks over at her mom with a glare, and says “MOM!” with blame in her tone of voice as though its mom’s fault she stubbed her toe.
Some children want to be alone with their negative emotions, others want to wail and throw tantrums. Others blame their siblings or the stupid furniture that got in their way and made them trip. Energy draining children will come sit right in front of mom, look her in the eye with a “What are you going to do about it?” expression.
It’s as though these draining kids have the subconscious belief that mom is the cause of unwanted emotions, and the cure for positive ones. It is unhealthy for both parties so please seek help if this resonates with you.
Supermom Powerboost - Relinquish your authority If you are used to being in charge, making decisions, coordinating, planning and executing, it is really nice to relinquish your responsibility once in a while. When you LIKE doing these things, and you are good at them, it’s easy to find yourself taking this role in every area of your life.
If you are a high powered Supermom with a lot of people relying on you, get a boost of energy by surrendering your authority to someone super capable.
Last week I traveled with my brother and it has been so nice to relinquish control over the trip planning and coordination. He is highly capable, but he’s also been to Paris many times before and has more command of the language. It made sense to let him figure out the transportation and accommodations while I just went along for the ride.
Even though it was somewhat uncomfortable because my comfort zone is to be the one in charge, it was so relaxing (kind of like being a kid!). Not only did I get a break from my routine and a change of scenery, but I got a break from the role I usually play and I thoroughly enjoyed not being in charge for a little while.
It’s the same feeling I had around my yoga teacher. I could take my worn out, stressed out body, plop it on a mat in her yoga studio, and trust her to bring me back to a calm, energized state. I just did what she told me to do, no thinking required, and she was deliciously reliable.
When you are used to being in charge, and you like it done a certain way, it can be hard to let go of control. Keep looking until you can find someone competent, someone who gets you, and is a bigger expert than you are. This is what I offer in my Time for The Talk class. For one month, you do not need to be the expert in puberty and sex education. You get a break from being in charge and just sit alongside your kiddo in a relaxed, interactive learning environment.
I found a similarly relaxing experience at family camp. I’m there, but I’m not in charge. Competent people are arranging the activities, doing the driving, the cooking, and the dishes. It was HEAVEN.
If you are the captain of your family ship, find a way to sit in other people’s ships once in a while and let other people take the lead. It is so worthwhile and I promise, the opportunities exist out there. You deserve a break, Supermom.
Quote of the Day “It is not what you have done for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” Ann Landers
From difficult child to successful adult When you’ve got a child who is A LOT harder to raise than the average kid, listening to parenting podcasts and experts can be SUPER frustrating. None of the advice seems geared towards you. You feel lonely and isolated, feeling like people just don’t get it. The amount of ... Read more...
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Ep. 121 Creating Calm: 5-day Declutter Challenge This week’s podcast is going to be a little different because the answer to today’s question is being answered all week long. I’ve teamed up with organizing expert Tracy Hoth of Simply Square Away, to offer you Creating Calm: a 5-day declutter challenge. We are going ... Read more...
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Sad about letting go of little kids Question of the Day: “How do I get over that feeling of loss for my little kids? I miss them being small, loving and playful, always wanting me to be with them. I had so much fun when they were little, playing outside, doing crafts, even just ... Read more...
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Episode #119 When your kid hates their body Question of the Day: I get a lot of questions from moms about what to say when kids make negative comments about their body or start showing signs of disordered eating. These are not my area of expertise so today I brought in an expert. Kyira ... Read more...
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Do you feel like you’ve lost yourself through parenting? Like even if you had time to yourself, you wouldn’t know what to do with it to make you feel happy? Episode #118 Today I have a special treat. An interview with an amazing former client who came to me because she didn’t know what she ... Read more...
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Episode #117: Motivating an apathetic teen Question of the Day: Dear Torie My son is so apathetic. He is super smart and very capable, but he doesn’t seem to care about doing well in school. I feel like I’m failing because he isn’t living up to his potential. Any suggestions for motivating an apathetic teenager? ... Read more...
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Episode 116 – Fed up with continuous disappointment Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I AM. SO. DONE. with frickin’ COVID. I don’t want to be one of those people who complains on social media so I thought I’d complain here so you can make something productive come out of it. In the big picture ... Read more...
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Episode 116 – Fed up with continuous disappointment Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I AM. SO. DONE. with frickin’ COVID. I don’t want to be one of those people who complains on social media so I thought I’d complain here so you can make something productive come out of it. In the big picture ... Read more...
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We are living in some strange and unpredictable times. It poses questions that are hard to answer: Will schools go online? Should I cancel my trip? Am I going back to the office or working from home again? How do I celebrate my child’s birthday when her friends are too scared to gather in one ... Read more...
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Episode #115 – How do I help my anxious, indecisive child? Question of the Day: Dear Torie, My 12 year old daughter gets really worked up when it’s time to make decisions. Right now I am watching her work herself up into a state over whether she should, or should not, return a gift ... Read more...
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Episode #114 – I’m always last on my list Question of the Day: Dear Torie, There are things I want to do that are important to me, but I can’t seem to follow through on them. For example, I want to exercise more regularly. I know that it makes me a better mom. When I’ve ... Read more...
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Episode #113 – I need my teen to be happy Question of the Day: Dear Torie, My daughter is cutting herself. The knowledge of this is ripping my heart out. The only thing I ever wanted is for my kids to be happy and clearly she is not. My head spins in circles all day ... Read more...
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Episode #112 – My kid’s begging and pleading is wearing me down. Question of the Day My 8 year old has an unhealthy relationship with screen time and video games. He’s a great kid, very active, competitive, a math whiz and knows it. He is constantly trying to get access to video games but especially ... Read more...
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Episode #111 – What’s the difference between intuition, instincts, and anxiety? Also, How to get your reluctant teen to see a therapist. Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I think my teen has anxiety but she doesn’t know it. She’s afraid to learn to drive. She gets herself all worked up about going out with ... Read more...
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Hello! I tried to record my podcast this week but I have a cold and my voice could not sustain a recording without multiple coughing fits. I am sorry to fall out of rhythm of my podcast coming out every 2 weeks but I will have to delay this one. I am excited to answer ... Read more...
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Episode #110 – Feeling Guilty Being Away from my Kid Question of the Day: “I’m sick of feeling guilty all the time. When I’m at work, I feel guilty for not being at home. When I’m at home, I feel guilty for not working. My four year old has started crying and clinging to ... Read more...
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Dear Torie, How is my son supposed to choose a major? He is applying to colleges, some of which won’t let him change his mind if he applies under a certain major. He’s stressing out which is making me stress out! How the heck is he supposed to know what he wants to do for ... Read more...
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Episode #108 – Use Your Anger to Get What You Want Dear Torie, So….my pre-teen just pointed out that every time I have to drive him somewhere, I act annoyed. (which annoyed me). My teenager piggy backed on that saying I’m ALWAYS mad and yelling at her to pick up her things and do ... Read more...
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Episode #107 – I can’t get anything done! Question of the Day: I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I ... Read more...
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Episode #106 Sick of feeling crappy all the time Question of the Day: Dear Torie School has started and I’m excited for my kids to be out of the house and in the classroom. As I was walking toward the school at the end of the day to pick them up, I saw a class ... Read more...
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Episode #105 Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I ... Read more...
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Episode #104 Preparing your teen to leave the nest Question of the Day: Dear Torie, My first born is a rising senior. We are heading into a BIG year with college applications, tours, SAT tests, in person school and extracurricular activities. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to process. This time next ... Read more...
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Episode #103 Question of the Day: Dear Torie, I don’t like my daughter’s friends. I thought about writing and telling you all the reasons WHY I don’t like them to justify my opinion but I think it just boils down to the simple fact that I don’t like them. I think her current group of ... Read more...
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Episode #102 – Which extra-curricular activities are important to prioritize? Question of the Day: Dear Torie, Everything is opening back up again and I am excited but a bit overwhelmed. I’ve got 3 kids: ages 8, 10, and 13 and all of sudden, there are so many choices! Summer camps, Science camps, Sports camps, Swim ... Read more...
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Episode #101 – Finding your soul’s calling after motherhood Question of the Day: “My oldest child is going off to college in the fall. I’ve got two more teens following soon, and I’m a wreck. I have LOVED being a mom. I’m excited for them but so sad for me. I feel like I ... Read more...
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Episode #100!! So exciting! Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Special Episode: Instead of answering a listener question, I thought I’d walk you through some of my parenting a-ha moments that shifted my energy. I’m going to tell you 7 stories of my personal transformations that I’m sure you will resonate with. I’m ... Read more...
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Episode #99 – Socially Uncomfortable Teen Question of The Day: “I see my 15 year old being anxious anytime she has to interact with anyone in person! It’s as though she’s lost her confidence to talk to someone face to face.” “I have two teens, a 15 and a nineteen year old. One of the ... Read more...
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Episode 98: Why do I sabotage myself? Dear Torie, I have this evening routine that really works for me. Once the kids are down for the night, I put music on while I tidy up the kitchen. Then, I light a candle, do some relaxing yoga, meditate and then read until I fall asleep. When ... Read more...
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Episode #97 – “No one appreciates all the work I do.” Question of the Day: Dear Torie “No one appreciates all the work I do. I am so sick of giving, giving, giving and not getting any help or recognition in return. I have 3 capable kids and a competent husband and yet they ... Read more...
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Episode 96 – My middle schooler identifies as tri-gender. Question of the Day: Dear Torie “I’m wondering if you know of resources (books, podcasts, sites, etc) about gender identity? My middle schooler revealed last week that she identifies as trigender… which I hadn’t even heard of! She explains it as not connecting with any one ... Read more...
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Episode #95 – Helping Your Teen with Social Anxiety Question of the Day: “I’m worried about my daughter. She is 14, a freshman in high school, and socially seems to be withdrawing more and more. Her grades are fine, but she chose to continue online learning instead of returning to school and this concerns me. ... Read more...
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Episode #94 is everything I wish I had known before I became a mom. I was happy. I loved my kids and being a mom. But the anxiety, fatigue, irritability and chronic pain told me there was more going on beneath the surface that needed my attention. As I learned more about life coaching and ... Read more...
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Episode 93 – How to set boundaries and follow through with consequences? Dear Torie, “I have three girls 15, 13 and 11. I keep going around and around with consequences because I feel like they’re repeating actions that are not appropriate and are infuriating the family and disrupting our family unit. I’ve always used natural ... Read more...
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Episode 92 – Question of the Day: “No matter how many times I take away his phone, remove apps, or punish him, he keeps finding ways to access porn. I thought I blocked his ability to download apps and I’m constantly monitoring him when he’s online, but no matter how vigilant I think I’m being, ... Read more...
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Not coping well with online school Question of the Day: “Yesterday our superintendent said the re-opening plan for January isn’t going to happen, I’m just feeling sick this morning. Private schools have been on a hybrid model for months. At this point there are no more acceptable excuses. This is horrible for our kids. A ... Read more...
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Torie, I’d love to have a monthly house cleaner. I’m just not all that good at keeping the house clean. I mean, I can keep it tidy and I try to stay on top of the house cleaning to-do list, but it never really looks all that clean. At least not all at once. I ... Read more...
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2020 has been…well…..interesting…and A LOT was of the burden was dumped on MOMS! It has taught us that anything can change on a dime and we are more adaptable than we thought. Let’s make sure we use these lessons to make 2021 the best year yet. If it feels like your family, COVID, schools and ... Read more...
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Why am I doing all the work? Dear Torie, Why am I doing all the work? I know I do too much for my family but December is pushing me past my breaking point. I am so overwhelmed trying to shop, clean, finish up my work projects, help kids with school projects, and make the ... Read more...
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Episode # 87 Question of the Day: Dear Torie, “My oldest son just confided in me that he has been using marijuana to cope with COVID anxiety, the stress of online school and the sadness of missing so many things. How do I respond? Is he telling me because he’s concerned? Does he want me ... Read more...
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Episode 86 – Should I push my child to play at a higher level? Question of the Day: Should I push my child to do something uncomfortable if I think it will be good for her? “My daughter is one of the best athletes on her team. She is good enough to try out for ... Read more...
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Last week, in episode #84, I answered a question from a mom, Elana, whose daughter had outgrown a friendship and wanted to move on. The problem Elana was dealing with was pressure from the other girl’s mom, who was desperate for help in maintaining their daughters’ friendship. Elana wanted to be nice and do the ... Read more...
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Episode #84 Daughter’s friendship drama Question of the Day: Hi, how do I navigate my daughters friendship problems! I have a 13 year old daughter who has a nice group of friends, but recently she’s been on the outs with her best friend who just happens to live in our neighborhood and we are friends ... Read more...
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Episode 83: How do I deal with my super competitive sore loser? Torie, “I have 2 kids, 7 year old girl and 1 year old boy. I’ve always noticed my oldest has a hard time losing when we play board games. When she started jujitsu and swimming she would get easily upset if she didn’t ... Read more...
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Unfocused and mentally spinning Question of the Day: Torie, “So often, I find myself spinning in circles. Not physically, but mentally. When I’m in my house with my kids, there is so much going on, so many demands, so many to-do’s, I feel overwhelmed. I want to feel focused and productive, but something happens to ... Read more...
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My parents would not have put up with the crap my kids pull. Question of the Day: “My parents never would let me get away with the crap my kids pull on me. With one look I would have been silenced into obedience. What’s wrong with me that I have no control over my kids? ... Read more...
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Episode #80 How do I model resilience for my kids when I just want to cry? Hi Torie, I’m struggling with how I should model resilience for my kids, when I’m not feeling very resilient. I have 3 teens that are all doing online school starting tomorrow. I wish I could feel and model being ... Read more...
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Episode #79 – How can I tell if my child is addicted to video games? “My 8 year old son is out of control. The only time he is happy is when he’s playing video games. I’ve tried to set boundaries and limit what and when he plays but he is so sneaky. When I ... Read more...
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Episode #78 “I’m crazy for even thinking this!” Today’s Question: Dear Torie, I’ve been thinking and am curious about starting my own business but I’m nervous. It would be a service based business like yours, but it seems impossible with all that is going on. I’ve been a stay-home mom for the last few years, ... Read more...
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Am I ruining my children? Dear Torie, I was already stressed before this COVID-19 lockdown, now my impatience and crankiness have reached new levels. I’m constantly snapping at the kids and having trouble seeing them in a positive light. I love them, but I don’t feel loving when I look at them. All I see ... Read more...
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Tired by 8:00am Question of the Day: “I’m sure everyone is struggling during this Coronavirus lockdown so I feel a bit self indulgent asking for help on this. For the last few weeks, or months, who keeps track anymore, I’ve been struggling and I don’t know why. I have no reason to complain, my kids ... Read more...
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Dear Torie, “I’ve got so many things I want to do with my life but I get frustrated at my inability to follow through. I have a business on etsy that I haven’t touched for a year, not to mention countless craft projects. I keep saying I’m going to start this exercise challenge, but I ... Read more...
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This week I am muting my voice (or at least dimming it down) to help amplify the voices of women of color. I am allowing myself to be uncomfortable while I learn and grow. I want to be in the arena, taking risks and creating positive social change in our country. I want to help ... Read more...
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Episode 73 – My daughter refuses to apologize Question of the Day: “We left cash for our house cleaner when we left the house. When we returned, the cash was gone and our house cleaner asked where exactly we had left it. My husband was certain he’d left it there and was quite distraught. I ... Read more...
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Episode 72 – I need a break from mothering. Don’t wait for catastrophes for you to get a break from mothering. If you are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, fuzzy brained, anxious, restless, appreciated, moody, annoyed, confused or feeling lazy and inadequate, it’s time to take a break from mothering. Top excuses why moms don’t take breaks ... Read more...
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Episode 71 – Help! My kid hates online learning! Dear Torie, I have four kids that are now online schooling: a 7th grader, two 5th graders and one kindergartener. My older kids are successfully working with their teachers and getting the work done for the most part. My kindergartener struggles with the online format. He ... Read more...
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Episode #70 Stress Eating under lockdown with Kwavi Agbeyegbe Question of the Day: “I AM DOING BOOTCAMP-RUNNING AND HIIT- EXERCISES ON MY TREADMILL-EXERCISING WAY MORE THAN I DID WHEN I WAS TEACHING 1ST GRADE FULL TIME BUT I AM STILL GAINING WEIGHT. I EAT HEALTHY BUT WHEN I TRY TO FOLLOW WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Episode #69 – I can’t stand watching my family relax! “Help, Torie! I have turned into a mom nobody likes being around, including myself. My husband is furloughed, my kids (11 and 13) are doing some sort of half-assed online learning, and I am going NUTS! I cannot STAND to see ... Read more...
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Episode 68 – “My teens won’t hang out with me” with parenting teens coach, Allie Irwin. Does it seem like your teens don’t want to have any fun? Do you feel rejected because they won’t play with you? Listen as life coach and host of the Parenting Successful Teens podcast, Allie Irwin, coaches Torie on ... Read more...
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Episode #67- I’m not making the most of this time. Dear Torie, I’m struggling during this Coronavirus quarantine and I don’t know why. In some ways it’s a dream come true! I’m getting paid the same while having reduced work hours, less responsibility, and no commute. The first week or two, I really enjoyed ... Read more...
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Stages of Quarantine Mom Burnout Episode #66 Stage #1 Denial – This won’t last long or This is going to be GREAT! I’ll clean out the basement, plant a garden, repaint the kid’s rooms, do some yoga videos, it’s going to be GREAT! Stage #2 Life Simplified – There is some adjustment but ... Read more...
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[caption id="attachment_5803" align="alignright" width="1024"] Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash[/caption]
Episode #65 - It's hard to watch my child be sad Question of the Day: "I feel so bad for my high school senior. We just found out there will be no school for the rest of the year. She had so many things to look forward to: dance recitals, prom, graduation and all the parties and celebrations surrounding the end of year. My daughter has worked SO HARD throughout high school, only to have it end so abruptly. She didn’t get to say goodbye or mentally prepare to never see friends, teachers, or high school again. The first week at home was great. She needed the rest and seemed to enjoy the break. But now, she has lost all motivation. Even when she has the opportunity to connect with friends online, dance or work on school projects, she does the bare minimum.
She’s grumpy, laying around in her sweats, moving from bed to the kitchen to the couch and I feel so bad."
I’m still exercising, getting outside, working from home and I would say my social life has actually improved as I now have more time to connect with friends I wasn’t seeing regularly. How can I help my disappointed, unmotivated teen, feel better?
Marlene
Parent Educator Answer: If we set the Coronavirus aside and just take a look at what’s developmentally normal for 17-18 year olds, what we typically find is a fundamental shift in identity. You’ll hear parents talk about the dramatic changes their teens make during these years when it comes to maturity, responsibility, confidence, and social acceptance.
Most of us go through about 4-6 major transitions in our lifetime. I’m not talking about a season of life, but a fundamental change in who you are and how you see yourself. The senior year of high school to the first year of college is very often the first major transformation. They are letting go of the old self: the child who lives at home and follows rules that someone else has set for them.
This transformation into the responsible adult is not easy or pretty. It's not uncommon to hear some parents complain about their teens “crapping in the nest before they leave it” or struggling so much the first year of college that they end up coming home.
Because we’ve been through a few transitions already, we know that there is a great and exciting life on the other side of this transformation.
Think of it like a caterpillar transitioning into a butterfly. All through childhood, your baby is becoming a bigger, fatter, smarter caterpillar. Changing for sure, but fundamentally the same species, a kid. At some point, usually during the end of adolescence, your caterpillar starts to change. The first step in this transformation is the building of a cocoon. This helps them feel safe enough to fall apart. To dissolve the old self. If you break open a cocoon, you’ll find a liquid, caterpillar soup. The old self needs to completely dissolve in order to re-build into a newly formed adult.
In Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck identifies the predictable stages we all go through when transforming from our old self to our new self.
Square 1: Falling Apart - Dissolution of the old identity.
Sometimes this happens slowly over time where we gradually outgrow our old life. People outgrow marriages and careers. We get 9 months to grow into our new identities as mom but even then there is a lot of falling apart that happens that first year we have a baby.
Other times we get thrown into square one with no warning. A death in the family. A diagnosis. A global pandemic.
Your daughter has been thrown into square one without her consent. Her identity has been stripped
away. The only choice she has is to let go of the old self. To say goodbye to the high school student, the dancer, the friends and acquaintances she will no longer see on a daily basis. Many of us fight and cling to hold on to the old ways because the new ways are so vague, uncertain, and confusing.
The fastest way through square one is right through the middle of it. To feel all the feels. To mourn and grieve and be sad. To swear and complain and lay around in your PJ’s. The mantra Martha Beck offers that always seems to help is, “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s ok.”
The caterpillar doesn’t know why it feels the way it feels, why it doesn’t want to eat anymore, or why it’s spinning a cocoon. It just follows its instincts. Eventually, the grief, anger and disappointment will pass and she will move on to square two, dreaming about what’s next.
Square 2: Dreaming and Scheming
The caterpillar has imago cells; an image of the butterfly it’s meant to become. I believe we also have things imprinted in us; talents, interests, and proclivities we are meant to explore. We have places we are meant to visit and experiences we are meant to have.
You’ll know your daughter is entering square two when she starts redecorating her room, changing her hair, clothes, or somehow trying on a new identity. You’ll hear her say things like, “I think I’ll join ____ club in college” or “I applied for a job at ____” . The mantra for this phase is “There are no rules and that’s ok.”
Square 3: The Hero’s Saga
This is the hard work we must go through in order to feel grounded in our new identity. In our caterpillar metaphor, this is becoming a butterfly. Once it is formed, the butterfly needs to push and kick and struggle to break free of the cocoon. If you were to come along and help free the butterfly, it would die. The struggle is an important part of becoming a fully formed and healthy butterfly.
The struggle for an adolescent entering adulthood can look like: getting a flat tire, missing a deadline, washing a load of laundry with strawberry chapstick, having roommate conflicts, oversleeping and missing a test, SO MANY THINGS!
The mantra to help get through square 3 is “This is harder than I thought it was going to be and that’s ok.” (Post this mantra near your phone during her first year of college!)
Square 4: The Promised Land
The fully formed butterfly. The responsible adult. There are still minor things to learn and adjust to but you feel pretty solid in your identity. You no longer need your parents in the same way. You trust yourself to handle new and difficult situations.
So the answer to “How can I help my daughter feel better?” is to be a compassionate witness.
Allow her to feel as terrible as she needs to feel. Use emotion words and reflect back what you think she’s feeling and thinking: “It’s so disappointing. This quarantine is scary and frustrating.”
Let her know she isn’t alone: “There are so many kids your age feeling isolated and frustrated about this whole situation.”
Mirror her body language and voice tone, but don’t “fall down the well” with her.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way? Beware of “Falling down the well.”
It’s so hard to watch our kids suffer and not be able to do anything about it! We have this strange cultural belief that says: “My job is to make sure my kid doesn’t suffer.” We think “suffering is bad” and “a good mom should be able to prevent their child from experiencing too much negative emotion.” When we think this way, we feel helpless. Nobody likes feeling helpless so we jump in and try to help by either telling them what they should do to feel better, or feeling bad right along with them in solidarity.
When we see someone we love suffering, sometimes we do this by “jumping down the well” with them. Our kid has fallen down a well of despair and we commiserate. We feel bad WITH them so at least they feel like they aren’t alone.
I used to do this with my husband. He’d come home from work complaining about how stressful his day was and I would find the most stressful parts of my day and share them so he’d feel supported. Nice idea, but it doesn’t work. Husbands want to come home to a peaceful, happy house. It’s the reason they work so hard in the first place, to provide a good home to their family.
When he would come home stressed only to find me equally as stressed, it made him feel worse.
When moms feel as bad (if not MORE devastated) than their teens, it doesn’t make the teen feel supported. Your teen doesn’t want a mom who is suffering. This is her pain, and her suffering. You don’t have to be happy that your daughter has fallen down a well of despair, but you can still enjoy the beautiful sunshine and throw her a rope once in a while. You can be compassionate - “that really sucks” and “I’m sorry your senior year got ripped away from you” - but still live your life with joy and optimism for yourself and for her future. It feels awkward to be happy when your child is suffering. You don’t have to be happy about her suffering, but you can help her find purpose and meaning in it.
When you can’t be happy, making meaning is the next best thing. Inside your head, believe that this experience will make her more compassionate to others who suffer, more resilient to future upsets, more adaptable to handle this uncertain and ever-changing world.
When a mom shows compassion and believes that good things will come from this bad experience, it provides a safe harbor from the stormy seas. Your teen may not be ready to move through square one as quickly as you’d like her to, but when she is ready, she will know where to go to find a safe, happy, and peaceful harbor.
Kryptonite - Mental Prison At the end of the last podcast, I mentioned to the client I was coaching to make sure she doesn’t mentally imprison herself. During this “shelter in place” quarantine, it’s especially important not to feel trapped or stuck.
I used to do this to myself when my kids were little. I would think things like, “I can’t leave the house.” “I have to stay here.” “I can’t do what I want.” These thoughts create the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness.
Just like in the question above, thoughts like “I should be able to help my daughter and I can’t.” or “She shouldn’t have to deal with this (and she is).” create a helpless or powerless feeling.
Humans are meant to be free. When we believe we are powerless, it does terrible things to the human psyche. It is much better for our psychological and emotional well being to think, “I can leave the house but I choose not to because I love my family.” or “I want to stay home because I prefer it to the potential consequences of walking out.”
If you’ve got a depressed, anxious, stressed, or disappointed person living in your house, you are not powerless. You don’t have to feel what they are feeling. You can feel peaceful, happy, grateful, or whatever you want to feel, even if no one else feels the same.
Let yourself be that safe harbor where your family can come home after spending time on stormy seas.
Power Boost: Are you ready for an upgrade? The other night at the dinner table (we’ve been having a lot more family dinners now that there are no sports), one of my kids asked what the difference is between a version 1.2 software update and a 2.0 software upgrade. My husband explained that a small software update (the kind which adds numbers after the decimal, includes small improvements, bug fixes, and minor enhancements. A Larger software upgrade means to improve something to a higher standard. It provides significant changes and major improvements. It’s an entirely new version of the same software program.
As we grow up, we are constantly updating. But, about 5 times in our life, we go through a major, version 2.0 upgrade. Martha Beck talks about this in terms of our identity; a letting go of the old self to make room for the new self.
For many of us, this Coronavirus has created too many bugs in our software. For high school seniors, athletes who play spring sports, parents who have lost their jobs, suffered economic blows, this Coronavirus may require a major version upgrade. For kids and parents who are LOVING this quarantine and don’t want to go back to their old ways, they may be ready for a major upgrade.
Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to talk to your friends, teens, spouse, and parents about how many upgrades they’ve gone through in their life. Because of moving countries, states, cities, and schools multiple times before the age of 10, my husband says he’s up to version 9.0. I had a very stable childhood so my first upgrade didn’t come until I was 20. Living on my own, getting married, becoming a mom, overcoming anxiety, becoming a life coach, brings me up to version 5.2.or so. It was interesting to hear my daughter say she’s still on version 1 and my son say it was his senior year of high school that moved him from 1.9 to 2.0.
What version of you are you on? Life coaching transforms my clients into new versions of themselves. If this Coronavirus is giving you too many bugs in your software and you feel like things aren’t working the way they used to, perhaps you are ready to let go of the old version and make room for a significant upgrade in your parenting, career, or relationships?
Quote of the Day: "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of those depths." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Episode #65 – It’s hard to watch my child be sad Question of the Day: “I feel so bad for my high school senior. We just found out there will be no school for the rest of the year. She had so many things to look forward to: dance recitals, prom, graduation and all the ... Read more...
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Episode # 64 I want to feel appreciated – coaching session Do you struggle to feel like your spouse really appreciates all the work you do? Are you a stay-home mom but feel like you have to “pull your weight”. Working really hard to do everything right, thinking you haven’t EARNED self-care? Then this episode ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Any suggestions for how we all survive the next 3+ weeks without school due to COVID19? How do we stay sane? Jacqueline Parent Educator Answer: Staying home with kids for 3+ weeks is actually a neutral circumstance. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with this even though most moms would agree it’s ... Read more...
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Hi Supermoms! These are some crazy times we are living in! Schools closing, sporting events and activities cancelled, adult kids moving home from college. Life coaches are trained to help you navigate uncertainty. If you are thinking now is a good time to get support so you can be the best version of yourself, go ... Read more...
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I get home from a long day at work. After commuting home in bumper to bumper traffic, I am exhausted. I pull into my driveway and begin my second job: trying to get my kids fed, cleaned, and into bed. If they would just do everything I say, then I could relax. But they don’t. ... Read more...
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Interview with Dr. Dan Peters When I was raising my sensitive, anxious, intelligent little boy, Dr. Dan Peters was a god send. He had an incredible way of explaining what was happening in my child, without making me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. So many parenting books triggered my inner perfectionist and left me ... Read more...
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“You can’t come to my birthday party” – Dealing with friendship conflict Episode #59 “Our daughter seems to have good friends in general but somehow, at 5, there’s already drama! Every day someone tells another girl they won’t be their friend anymore or that they’re not invited to their birthday party next month etc. She ... Read more...
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Coaching Call – How to entertain a young child so mom can get work done? Episode #58 Listen in as I coach a mom trying to keep her 5 year old entertained while she works from home. Question of the Day: Today’s Question comes from Carola Fuertes. Carola is a weight loss coach looking for ... Read more...
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Episode 57 – Youngest Child Syndrome Question of the Day: “I have three kids, ages, 9, 6 and 2. My two year old is fiercely independent and loves to help around the house, cook, clean, and do everything the older two are doing. He’s hyper aware of what’s going on even if the adults are ... Read more...
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Mom friendships change as teens become more independent Question of the Day: “My teenagers are getting older and more independent. I know I need to let go, but I’m having a hard time. I think what scares me the most is being alone. So many of my friendships were formed through my children’s activities (soccer ... Read more...
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Disrespectful kids leave stuff everywhere. Question of the Day: Dealing with Disrespectful Kids “My kids are so disrespectful! From the second they walk in the door, they throw their backpacks, shoes, jackets all over the house. They KNOW they are supposed to hang them up and put their lunch leftovers on the counter but they ... Read more...
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Today’s Topic: How Do I Help My “Differently Wired” Kid? Here to help me answer this question is Debbie Reber, author of Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World Debbie Reber is a parenting activist, New York Times bestselling author, keynote speaker, and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a website, top ... Read more...
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Today’s Topic: Kids Staying Up Too Late Dear Torie, “I am wondering what type of consequences to set for my 10-year-old daughter. She shares a room with her 12-year-old sister. I am having the toughest time with them falling asleep at night. From the moment my husband and I kiss them goodnight, it is almost ... Read more...
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Teenage Sugar Addict In Episode 49, I answered a question from Tina about her pre-teen daughter possibly dealing with sugar addiction. This topic isn’t talked about much in parenting circles. Hence, I thought it would be good to dedicate another episode to it. This comes after the last two weeks of chocolates, candy canes, gingerbread ... Read more...
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Episode 51 – Nothing I say gets my kids to calm down Dear Torie, I have four-year-old twins that are delightful most of the time. They are full of energy and love to chase each other around the house, wrestle with each other, scream, etc. The problem comes when I need them to calm down. ... Read more...
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Attunement, Anxiety and Empathy with Ellie Knaus of Atomic Moms Today on the Supermom is Getting Tired podcast, I’ll be interviewing Ellie Knaus of the Atomic Moms Podcast. We’ll talk about how years of interviewing parenting experts has impacted her as a mom and the mindset that allows her to implement what she has learned. ... Read more...
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This episode’s topic: Sugar Addiction in Kids Is My Child Addicted to Sugar? I’m struggling with my daughter (age 14) being so ungrateful and unwilling to help out. I’m thinking I need to stop making nice meals for her since she’s not willing to make so much as a piece of toast for herself. She’d ... Read more...
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Feeling depleted and burned out? This episode is for you. Episode #48 What to do when you feel depleted and burned out? “What do you do if you feel completely depleted as a parent and you feel like you are just kinda burned out as a mom? I have given so much to my kids, ... Read more...
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This week’s podcast: Mindfulness Episode #47 Interview with Hunter Clarke-Fields, Mindful Mama Mentor Are you familiar with the mindfulness movement? Mama mentor, Hunter Clarke-Fields is here to talk to us about how to use mindfulness to become the mom we want to be. She is the host of the mindful mama podcast and author of ... Read more...
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Episode 46 – Caught kid watching porn “Dear Torie, I am so upset. I just walked in on my 9 year old son. He was looking at our lap top and shut it as soon as I came in the room. I asked him what he was looking at and he said “nothing”. When I ... Read more...
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Our topic for this podcast: teen alcohol party Episode 45 – Dealing with a teen alcohol party “Last night was Halloween and my daughter (age 16, straight A, athlete, good kid) invited some friends over for a Halloween party in the basement. There were about 10 teens, boys and girls, hanging out, playing party games, ... Read more...
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Our topic for this episode: do you have an annoying pre-teen? Episode 44: Annoying Pre-Teen: What if you don’t like your kid? “My daughter is a pre-teen, and already immersed in puberty and the mood swings and irritability that goes with it. Getting her to do anything is a battle: homework, chores, coming to the ... Read more...
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Episode for the Week: Money Worries Today’s question comes up a lot.. See if this has ever happened to you You get some time away, to take a break and feel like yourself again. OR You have a free discovery coaching call with me and get excited about your potential and possibilities for your future. ... Read more...
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Today’s question comes up a lot.. See if this has ever happened to you
You get some time away, to take a break and feel like yourself again.
OR
You have a free discovery coaching call with me and get excited about your potential and possibilities for your future.
You get a glimpse of what life could be like with a little more balance or a little more fun and an idea of how great life could be if you felt more like you.
Has this ever happened to you? I hope you aren’t so entrenched that you haven’t experienced this.
It feels so exciting; so freeing, that it scares us.
The thought of so much positive change happening in such a short period of time is overwhelming. Every time we leave our comfort zone, even for something we want, fear comes along for the ride.
But fear is sneaky, it sounds like this:
“The kids need me. I don’t have time. I could never do that. My husband wouldn’t like it. What would people think? There’s too much to do.”
And the most common of all the excuses is today’s question:
Question of the Day: “What if you figure out what you want but you can’t afford it?” The belief “I can’t afford it” is so prolific that it seems silly to question it. It feels true for many Americans, regardless of how much money is in their bank accounts. Just living in America puts us in the top 5% of wealth, not to mention the many potential opportunities to increase our wealth, that it seems crazy so many of us share this belief.
Parent Education Answer: There is a parent education answer to the question, “What if you figure out what you want but you can’t afford it?”
You never want to send the “I can’t afford it message” to your kids. It’s a thought that makes us feel like a helpless victim. Take a look at what the thought “I can’t afford it” creates. When you think this thought, notice how you feel. Thinking and believing the thought “I can’t afford what I want” creates a heavy, weighed down feeling in your body. It’s like putting shackles around your ankles. It keeps you stuck in one place. When you think this thought, there’s no imagination, no exploring alternate possibilities, no believing in your ability to create more money. It just keeps you where you have been.
Instead, teach your kids that everything is a trade off. “We can afford anything we want, it’s just a matter of priorities.” Talk to your kids about the value of things.
We decided to put our kids in private school, so we moved into a smaller home in a less desirable neighborhood. Our family values experiences more than things, and our gift giving reflects that. Instead of party favors at birthday parties, I sent the kids home with memories of fun games and activities. I skip name brand clothes unless I find them at Ross for half price, but we pay extra for super high speed internet.
The message to send kids about money is that everything is a trade off and to align your spending with the things you value the most.
Life Coaching Answer: The thought, “I can’t afford it” is really about fear. When we think about doing something good for ourselves, something that could create positive change in our life, we get scared. It’s a natural reaction. Our minds perceive change as scary, even if it’s a good change. “I can’t afford it” is a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m nervous”.
Let’s say you take your child to the hospital for an asthma attack. They say the treatment costs $1800. Would you need to think about it? Would you say “I want to pay but I can’t afford that” or “let me talk it over with my husband?”
No, the asthma treatment is of such a high value that you would spend the money, then later figure out how to pay for it. If I said you had to come up with an extra $10,000 in 2020 or your children would perish, you would figure it out! You would get creative, you might throw morals out the window, but you would get it done.
Spending is always about values and priorities.
Can you see any benefit on holding on to a belief that makes you feel trapped and keeps you from noticing possibilities?
The truth shall set you free so any thought that makes you feel weighed down and trapped is not a true one.
We spend money on gym memberships, mani/pedis, hair, and clothes. We’ll spend money on private schools or tutors, club sports, extra curricular activities and SAT prep classes. We always have a choice on where we spend money and what we think is worth going into debt for. We justify our spending based on what we SEE other people spending money on, but the most valuable things to spend money on are things you can’t see.
Many families take kids to Disneyland because they want to make them happy. They think seeing happy kids will make them feel like they are doing a good job. The truth is, our ability to feel happy and satisfied in our job as mom does not come from our kids. It comes from the thoughts inside our own heads. If you put your ability to feel happy into the hands of your kids’ trip to Disneyland, as soon as they melt down, cry, and fight with their siblings, you are going to get super annoyed. You spent so much money trying to feel happy, just to have ripped away at the first temper tantrum.
When you take responsibility for your own happiness and satisfaction, then it doesn’t matter how your kids behave. You get to feel the way you want to feel whether you are at Disneyland, at home, or dragging your kids through Target.
Life coaching is the best place to spend money because you learn the meta-skill of how to be happy any time you want. You can save so much money buying things that only bring you temporary pleasure.
You can spend $20,000 remodeling your kitchen, then, 6 months later, start complaining about the bathroom needing to be redone. The new kitchen doesn’t bring you long lasting happiness because that comes from your thoughts. If your brain is trained to look for problems to solve, you will just find more problems. It’s the state of mind we get stuck in that keeps us from getting the feeling of satisfaction and joy we crave.
That new toy you bought your kid only provided a weeks worth of peace for you. Wouldn’t you like to learn how to feel peaceful anytime you want?
You loved your new car when you first got it, but one year later all you can think about is how messy it is and how much driving around you have to do.
Spending money on your mental and emotional well being is one of the BEST things to spend money on if you want long lasting happiness and peace.
Most of us agree that taking care of our bodies is a good idea. We can see the value of joining a gym, eating healthy foods, moisturizing, taking vitamins, and getting massages or facials, but what’s the point of having your body in top shape if your mind and emotions can’t appreciate it?
Can you imagine who you would be without the thought “I can’t afford it?” If this thought was completely unavailable to you, how different would you feel?
You still have the same amount of income and outflow, but your thought is “I can spend money on the things I value most” or “I always have enough for the things that are important to me.” or “There are many ways to make more money.” These are the beliefs we want to pass to our kids and it starts with believing them yourself.
If you could think these thoughts, how do you imagine you might feel?
Open? Hopeful? Creative?
What actions steps might you take if you are feeling hopeful and creative? You might cancel memberships to things you aren’t using. You may say no more easily when your son asks for something, but say yes to something special for YOU. You’ll start scanning your budget to see how aligned your spending is with the things you value most. You might ask for a raise or start a side hustle, just because you want your money to be aligned with your values.
Today’s Supermom Kryptonite: Thinking that the way things have been is the way they will be in the future. Look around you right now. What do you see? I see a laptop, a sofa, a coffee mug, a box of tissues. Everything you see began in someone’s imagination. If we want to create something new, we first need to see it in our imagination. The thought “I can’t afford it” blocks our ability to use our imaginations to create what we want.
If you grew up hearing “We can’t afford it” then it’s an easy thing to repeat, but it costs you the ability to step out of that way of thinking and create a new reality. Just because things have always been a certain way, does not mean they will always be. Change can happen on a dime, at any time. You just have to want it.
Supermom Power Boost: Get Creative! There are 100 ways to get what you want. I have a friend who said, “If I ever came into extra cash, I would sign up for this writer’s retreat and workshop.” Two months later, her old company liquidated stock options and (surprise!) extra cash came in the mail and her writing career began. If she hadn’t used her imagination FIRST to think about what she wanted, she very easily could have gotten that check, used it to pay bills, and not used it to create an exciting future aligned with her values.
To set loose your creativity and use your imagination to create what you want, try this exercise: Pick one thing that you would LOVE to spend money on. Something that feels very aligned with your values and your heart’s desire. Make sure it feels fun and slightly indulgent. Got it?
Estimate how much you think it will cost. Now list 20 different ways you can make that much extra money.
Let’s say you want to sign up for my 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program because you want to feel better. You are tired of being cranky all the time and you want to show your kids how to take responsibility for your own happiness and create a life you love. The cost of the program is $1668.
Let’s say you promised your husband you would make up that much more money in 2020 to pay for it. You could...
- Become a door dash driver
- Ask for a raise or promotion
- Offer to drive other kids around for a fee.
- Sell stuff on ebay or letgo
- Sell jewelry on etsy
- Bake cakes for birthdays.
- Advertise on social media for your favorite businesses.
- Rent a room in your house on Airbnb
- Take in an exchange student
- Turn off your electricity and live by candlelight
- Trade your car in for a cheaper hybrid.
- Barter services with hairdressers, handymen, friends.
- Become a dog walker or dog sitter
Quote of the Day: “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest” Benjamin Franklin
Episode 42 – Constantly nagging and repeating myself “I feel like I’m constantly nagging my kids to do things. Hang up your jacket, put your clothes in the hamper, clear your plate, turn off the xbox and do your homework — It’s like I only have two channels: the “nagging, frustrated, annoying mom” channel and ... Read more...
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Episode #41 How to stop hovering and let go of homework hassles? Here is our question of the week about a mom struggling with her kid’s homework hassles. “I know I shouldn’t be managing my children’s homework so closely but I can’t seem to let go. If I don’t stay on top of them, check ... Read more...
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Episode #41 How to stop hovering and let go of homework hassles? “I know I shouldn’t be managing my children’s homework so closely but I can’t seem to let go. If I don’t stay on top of them, check in, nag and remind them, they won’t do it! I would rather hover over them than deal with the Sunday night freak out when they realized they didn’t do it. In the past when I tried, my daughter panics and yells, “You should have reminded me! This all your fault!” How do I get out of this cycle of over-managing my children’s homework?"
Anonymous
Parent Education Answer: The first step to breaking out of a cycle is to recognize you are in one and that both you and your child are perpetuating it. This is the very important first step and you’ve already accomplished it.
Next, you’ll want to take a look at WHY you want to change this pattern. If your reason for wanting to stop micro managing is because “You're supposed to”, it won’t be compelling enough.
One research study showed that parents who judge their own self worth by their children’s achievement report more sadness and diminished contentment with life in general. Another shows the more time a mom spends caring for children, the more troubled her marriage becomes.
For many Supermoms, even saying, “I want to change because I don’t like feeling this way” or “I value my marriage” isn’t enough. We want to know our child will benefit from us changing our behavior. We love to do things that are good for our kids!
Here are four reasons why letting go and trusting your kids to make mistakes is good for them:
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A 2016 study from Florida State University found parents who tell kids when to eat, sleep, and exercise, are more likely to raise kids with health problems. When they turn into adults and mom stops reminding them, they are less likely to care for their bodies.
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Psychologists at the University of Washington studied more than 200 kids and their moms for 3 years. And found that when a child already had pretty good judgement and self control, too much guidance and not enough independence raised the risk of them feeling anxious and depressed.
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A 2014 study from the University of Colorado found that adults who grew up with helicopter parents are less likely to possess the mental control and motivation they need to succeed. Over-parented kids aren’t used to tolerating discomfort. Their parents shielded them from pain and prevented them from dealing with hardship. In addition, they are used to immediate gratification.
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MANY studies found that college students whose parents hovered were more likely to take medication for anxiety and depression. When a parent tries to prevent their child from experiencing negative emotions, it robs them of the ability to regulate their own emotions, leading to less life satisfaction.
Not only is letting go control of your child's homework appropriate, it will alleviate your burdens, making you more relaxed and fun to be around. It can improve your marriage and give your kids the mental and emotional skills they need to function successfully and happily in this world.
Now that you know WHY it’s important to let go and allow your kid’s to manage their own homework, let’s look at HOW.
There are four steps when it comes to delegating to kids:
First, I do it for you. Then I do it with you. Then I watch you do it. You do it independently.
Is it time to let go and let him figure it out on his own? Maybe he’s only 6 and not ready for that.
If you’ve been pulling the homework packet out of the backpack, laying it on the table with a sharpened pencil, and telling him what to do and how to do it, maybe it’s time to move to step two. Encourage your child to take out his own work, decide what to do first, and ask for help when he needs it.
If you are already doing this, move to step 3. Be in the room with him, but do your own thing. Cook dinner or work on your own projects rather than your child’s work. If he truly gets stuck, you are there to help but not to correct. Make sure he knows it’s ok to turn in work that is wrong or incomplete to avoid perfectionism.
Schools have systems in place for incomplete homework. Sometimes all it takes to motivate your kid is not getting a sticker on a chart or having to miss out on recess to finish their assignment.
I remember my son coming home from first grade and saying,
"You'll be proud of me Mommy."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I got my star moved from green to yellow."
"Why would I be proud of you getting a warning?"
"For the experience of it!"
I had taken a class on how to help bright, perfectionistic kids and celebrating mistakes was a tool I had been working on.
Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from being this chill parent raising independent kids and celebrating mistakes?
Fear of doing it wrong. We put so much stock in being like everyone else, EVEN WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT WRONG!
We look around the park and everyone else is following their kid around, arms out stretched ready to catch them from falling or prevent them from stealing toys and eating sand.
We get together with other moms and talk about our worries. Who is going to be the one mom that says, “Everything is great, I have nothing to worry about”?
We go on social media and see everyone posting their teenager’s victories and we think, my kid doesn’t have a 4.4 GPA, I must be doing it wrong.
Here's a story that happened to my neighbor. He let his daughters (age 12 & 13) ride their bikes on the trail near our home. It was their first time and he drove to different points along the trail and honked and waved as they rode by. Ten minutes later, he pulls into his driveway and the police are at his door. They got a report that a man in a white van was harassing two girls on the bike path.
Peer pressure is a powerful force and when everyone else is over-parenting, it feels like the right thing to do, even when it clearly isn't.
The other thing that gets in our way is we think our child’s emotional outburst is a sign that we are doing it wrong.
I remember when I was a freaked out, perfectionistic new mom, trying to do everything right for my newborn. I read that you shouldn’t allow visitors for the first two months because of the babies sensitive immune system but friends wanted to come visit and my extroverted self was going CRAZY being home all day.
I called my brother-in-law the doctor and he said, “Ideally (which is what I was striving for) you want your baby to not get sick at all in the first two years of life so as not to compromise his immune system, then get him as sick as possible between the years of 3-5 in order to build his immune system."
I think emotions work similarly. Jump to the rescue every time your baby cries in those first few months of life. After that, encourage them to experience the full range of human emotions as often as possible. Let them fight with toddlers over toys, don't help them when they can’t master a skill, allow them to experience a skinned knee, the frustration of not being able to open their cheese stick, and the feeling of being left out by their older sibling.
I encourage you, for the sake of your kids mental health, to be the mom whose kid gets a 3.0. Be proud of NOT showing up to every performance and every game. Brag about sending your 9 year old to sleep away camp on his own. Celebrate your child’s misfortunes, broken hearts and bruised egos. Being able to experience the full range of our emotions is what makes us feel fully ALIVE. Knowing you can manage your own life, relationships and emotions gives you a sense of personal sovereignty and competence that is irreplaceable.
Kryptonite: over-stimulation I’m writing this in a gym with loud music blaring, florescent lights glaring, 20 balls flying around the gym in multiple directions, listening to four different conversations going on around me, sitting on a hard wooden bench with fans blowing the smell of teenage sweat around me.
Our world is too. damn. stimulating.
Even in our homes, we’ve got T.V. ’s flashing lights and sounds at high speeds. Our phones are buzzing with notifications, calling to us with flashing lights and the allure of escaping into a game or someone else’s facebook-perfect life.
The amount of mental stimulation we are experiencing today is unprecedented and between hovering moms and kid’s fears that they aren’t measuring up to Instagram-perfect lives, the rates of anxiety in ourselves, as well as our kids, are skyrocketing.
Our brains are not designed to take in so much stimulation. We are left with racing thoughts, worrying and trying to control our external world as a way to calm our inner world.
Too much stimulation is one thing that secretly drains our energy so finding ways to reduce input can really help.
Power Boost - Take a break from modern living Brainstorm ideas with your family to think of fun ways to reduce stimulation. Threatening to take away TV’s, cell phones and video games can make it feel like a punishment. Kids and teens benefit SO MUCH from a break from all the stimulation. Here’s some ideas to help you feel like a human again. Fake a power outage and play charades by candlelight Sleep in a tent in the backyard Go to the beach Take a picnic lunch and fly a kite Find a cozy spot to curl up and read books as a family Play a board game by a fireplace Play a party game outside. Get crafty and artistic Play a musical instrument
Got more? Post them on the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Page and share your ideas to create a more relaxed, less anxious home life.
Quote of the Day:
“Why did parenting change from preparing our kids for life to protecting them from life, which means they’re not prepared to live life on their own?”― Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success
Episode 40: Rules for Dating Daughters Dear Torie, My 14 year old girl (she is our oldest) is a freshman. She has been talking to a boy, who seems very nice and respectful, for over a month. They are in a big group of friends together. I need help with boundaries. They now want to ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: “How I make time for me when there are so many things to get done?” There is so much good stuff in this episode, I couldn’t write it all down! Be sure to listen to this important conversation about… Making time for Mom. Moving the needle forward. Listening to your higher ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: "How I make time for me when there are so many things to get done?" There is so much good stuff in this episode, I couldn't write it all down! Be sure to listen to this important conversation about...
Making time for Mom. Moving the needle forward. Listening to your higher self. Using kids as an excuse to stay in your comfort zone. Playing bigger in your life. Embracing discomfort. Supermom Kryptonite: "Playing Small" or staying in your comfort zone. Supermom Power Boost: Make a "Courage List". Look back on your life and list all the times you were courageous.
Learn more about Sara Dean and the Shameless Mom Academy at ShamelessMom.com. Listen to her podcast or join the Shameless Mom Facebook Group
Episode 38 – Time Anxiety “From dawn to dusk, I am working. Constantly rushing from one activity to another. Getting the kids out the door and me to work. In the afternoons, I’m running to get them to soccer, buying groceries, taking phone calls, checking emails. By the time my kids are in bed, I’m ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Stealing, sneaking and lying about it “Thanks so much for the podcast! I am really enjoying you approach and using it with my kids has helped a lot. My almost 8 year old has been sneaking and lying for a couple of years now. I used to keep candy around the house ... Read more...
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Ep 36 – Grumpy Kid After School “Everyday after school, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around my son. He’s 7 years old and in second grade. After school, the littlest thing can lead to a major meltdown. He says he HATES school and refuses to talk about his day. His teacher says ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Empty Nest “I feel so strange. My oldest just left for college, my youngest has started her junior year of high school. These are busy and exciting times but I’m nervous about the empty nest. I distracted myself with the busy-ness of college but deep down, I just don’t want to ... Read more...
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FREE WEBINAR LINK www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/back-to-school Question of the Day: Lazy Teen Dear Torie, “My 13 year old daughter is driving me crazy. She lays around all day like a lazy teen sloth, scrolling mindlessly on her phone. When I ask her to do something, she’ll say “ok” but never does it. I arranged my life ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Middle School Worries Today’s question is from a mom worried about her son starting middle school. “My son is starting middle school and I worry about all the things he’s going to be exposed to. Vaping, drugs, girls, social media, bullies, online porn, you name it, I worry about it. He ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Middle School Worries Today's question is from a mom worried about her son starting middle school.
“My son is starting middle school and I worry about all the things he’s going to be exposed to. Vaping, drugs, girls, social media, bullies, online porn, you name it, I worry about it.
He is such a happy, sweet boy and I don’t want his peers to ruin his innocence. Part of me thinks I should talk to him about some of the things he’ll be exposed to. But the other part of me thinks I should keep quiet and let it unfold as he experiences it.
How can I prepare him for the big, bad world of middle school without scaring him or giving him more information than he is ready to handle?” Catalina
Parent Education Answer: I think there are many parents who share the same middle school worries and apprehension. I heard this a lot from the parents who came to my classes on “How to Talk to Kids about Sex”.
They wanted to be the ones to tell their kids about how babies are made but they get nervous about taking away their innocence. Rather than saying the wrong thing or giving too much information, they end up saying nothing at all.
In a way, your instincts are correct in not talking to him from your worrying energy. Emotions are contagious and you telling him about your fears and all the middle school worries could do one of two things:
- Scare him. He might mirror you and become equally worried and stressed.
- Reject you. Kids don't like the energy of worry. He may disregard your helpful information and not want to listen to you, be around you, or confide in you later, if he thinks it will worry you.
I believe knowledge is power. This could be a great opportunity to inform him of things he will be encounter. But keep in mind that only if you are in a calm confident energy.
Benefits of Information When parents inform their kids about vaping, sex, drugs, etc. before they are exposed to it, there are many benefits:
- Kids learn they can talk to their parents about anything that comes up.
- When your middle schooler hears something taboo, he doesn’t need to rely on peers or youtube to answer questions because they already received information at home.
- Talking about personal, important things builds trust and brings you closer.
- Middle schoolers are surrounded by peers willing to give their opinions and judgments easily. When they also have the voice of their parent in their head, it helps them make an informed decision.
- Kids tend to rise to our expectations. If we expect them to do drugs and get bad grades, they probably will. If we expect them to encounter such, but not partake in unhealthy activities, they probably will do that.
Format of Discussion Think about this format when talking to your kid about difficult subjects: information, consequences, opinions, choice.
Let's take online porn as an example.
Information: Porn is short for pornography. It refers to visual materials (mostly digital these days) containing explicit display of sexual organs and/or activity intended to stimulate erotic feelings (as opposed to aesthetic or emotional). Showing pornography to children is considered illegal and obscene.
Consequences: Some people experience it as harmless and healthy. Others experience it as addictive, exploitative and damaging to relationships.
Opinions: Your Dad and I don’t want you watching it because it’s going to give you an unrealistic picture of what sex is like in a real relationship. When you are in a real relationship someday, we want you to experience the best of it. This includes emotional intimacy, companionship, friendship and love, not just the physical aspects of sex.
Choice: We realize we can’t control what you view on the internet but we hope you choose will things that uplift your spirit and not watch things you feel you should hide. We also want you to know, you can come to us if you ever have concerns or you encounter something that feels weird or icky online.
Life Coaching Answer: Handling Middle School Worries What gets in our way from being this calm confident parent discussing these middle school worries and informing our child of unhealthy risks of middle school? FEAR.
Fear of what could happen, fear of letting go, fear of how other kids will behave, fear of losing the child you have known, fear of him getting hurt, fear of watching our baby suffer, fear of not being able to help him solve his problems, fear dressed up in multiple outfits.
When we feel fear in the absence of immediate threat, we struggle because there is no productive action step to take.
It helps to know that fear is an instinct to keep us (and our loved ones) out of harm’s way. We are hiking, we see a snake ready to strike, we freeze. Some crazy person running towards us yelling, we run away.
Hence, our brain’s fear response is brilliantly designed to keep us safe, except for when there is no clear reason for our fear.
When we feel fear, yet everything around us appears safe, we go into our heads and try to figure out why we are scared. We look for an explanation for our fears: school shootings, bad guys, drugs.
The news will give us plenty of logical reasons why we have this fear. It makes our worries seem valid and important.
Fears and Worries Worry pretends to be helpful. It makes us feel like we are DOING something productive but we aren’t. All we are doing is making it harder to help our children navigate a fear-filled culture with confidence and ease.
In order to prepare your child for some of the negative things he might be exposed to in middle school, you’ll want to release these middle school worries and process the fear.
Fear is just an emotion. It is energy in motion and it shows up as a vibration in the body.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath and notice what fear feels like and where in your body you feel it. The more you stay with this feeling, without having the need to run away from it, the easier it will move through you.
Our brain thinks we’re going to die but if you look around you, and all is well in this moment, it’s safe to process this feeling so that you can return to a state of calm.
From the sound of things, it looks like your son is healthy, happy and safe. He is going to school in one of the safest countries in the world, in one of the safest times in history. He’ll be with other kids who have been raised in a safe environment, having all their basic needs met.
Worrying gives you the illusion of safety, but it really doesn’t help.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to feel the feeling of fear without reacting to it, you’ll notice you feel calmer.
Your Mindset This is when you want to engage the brain and ask, "What do I need to think and believe in order to talk to my middle schooler calmly?"
“I want him to have knowledge so he can make his own decisions.” “This is good information to know” might be a helpful thought. “I trust him to make good choices.” “I’m earning my good parenting sticker today” “I want to be the kind of mom who can handle tough subjects.”
Once you are feeling calm and ready to give your child “Information, Consequence, Opinion, Choice”, you may need some additional resources.
Middle school is a great time to shift from being the person with all the answers, to learning things together with your child. Which is handy because a lot of us don’t know about the dangers of vaping, social media, or today’s potent marijuana options.
Marlene Mahurin from Nevada County’s Tobacco Use Prevention and Education program, recommended a great video to watch with your kids. I will post a few of my favorites but I encourage you to look through Google on your own. Find a few to watch that you think will resonate with your child’s personality. Just be mindful of who is publishing the video.
Recommended Resources Common Sense Media has GREAT videos and is a resource you should know about from school shootings to sexting https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ The Nevada County TUPE video on vaping http://nevco.org/programs-services/tupe/
Sex Education (for 9-12 year olds) http://TimeforTheTalk.com
Marijuana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvszaF4vcNYConsent https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ
Gender Fluidity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udI-Go8KK2Q&feature=youtu.be
Sex Education (for parents and high schoolers) https://youtu.be/L0jQz6jqQS0
How to ADHD https://howtoadhd.com/videos/
Today’s Supermom Kryptonite - Your media diet. Just like the food we eat impacts us, even if we don’t notice it immediately, the media we take in affects us, too.
If your media diet consists of Fox News, Criminal Minds and CSI, it’s no wonder you feel a lot of fear. If your media diet consists of Queer Eye, romance novels, this podcast and video chatting with friends, you probably feel a lot of peace. In order to stop worrying, try changing your media diet.
I remember going to bed one night and noticing I felt gross. It felt like I had just eaten a bunch of junk food but I hadn't. I realized the “junk food feeling” was because I just watched 20 minutes of “Housewives of Whatever County” before I went to bed.
This show might be just what you need at the end of the day to lift your spirits. That was what I thought, but it wasn’t healthy for me.
Especially before bed, I have to be very careful about what I take into my brain.
It's amazing how easy it is to keep up with current events without ever watching a single newscast. Thus, I limit my social media exposure and seek media that uplifts me. That way, I can maintain peaceful energy for my clients, and kids, to come home to.
Supermom Powerboost - Allowing your kid to experience negative emotion * It is common in today’s perfectionistic parenting culture to believe that it’s our job to protect our children from having any negative emotion ever. We genuinely want our children to be happy and successful, every second of every day, forever. First, because this is what we think a good mom would want. Second because we don’t know what to do with ourselves when they have a negative emotion. When we understand that allowing children to “feel all the feels” is IMPORTANT and NECESSARY, then we focus on what we want to feel WHILE they are feeling sad, disappointed, angry or scared. You can: * allow your child to feel a feeling without taking it on as your own. * feel proud of yourself for letting your child have a negative experience. * feel satisfied knowing that this negative experience is teaching him lessons he could never learn on his own.
Trying to ensure that your child only has positive experiences and emotions is exhausting. In contrast, allowing your child to experience negative emotions, (without making it mean anything has gone wrong), will free you and boost your energy.
Quote of the Day: "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." Leo Buscaglia
Question of the Day: Mom Goals “Dear Torie, School is starting soon and I am excited to get back to routine. I’m a stay-at-home mom of three and all of them will be in school full day. I’m finally going to have free time to do something for me, but I’m not sure how to ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Perfectionistic Teen This is about Jenny and her perfectionistic teen: “Hi Torie, I recently started listening to your podcasts after finding Brooke Castillo from a friend.” (If you haven’t heard Brooke Castillo’s podcast, I highly recommend it. She is one of my life coaching teachers and her podcast is called The ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Husband Help “How can I get my husband to help out more? I feel like all the responsibility is on me. I make more money than my husband, I do more of the parenting, food prep, house cleaning, arranging child care, carpools, you name it, I’m doing it. When I’m not ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: Power Struggle over Sunscreen “My kids put up a huge stink when it comes to wearing sunscreen. I can get them to wear hats and sun shirts occasionally, but every time they step into the sun, I get so anxious. We live in a sunny place, near the beaches, so this ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: Fighting Siblings “I understand that it’s summer and my kids are spending a lot of time together but constantly fighting siblings is so annoying! Mostly arguing, stealing toys, tattling, but it can escalate to hitting, biting and total meltdowns. It bothers me to see my kids treat each other so poorly. I try ... Read more...
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This Week’s Question: Attention Seeking Behavior Hello Torie, I recently found your podcast; thank you for providing such great information. I want to pick your brain about parenting a child who shows more attention seeking behavior than her siblings. My middle child (a 9 year old) is constantly pointing out how life is unfair for ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: Vaping Teen “Dear Torie, I just found a vape pen in my son’s backpack. I confiscated it, but I haven’t said anything to him about it. I know I need to say something, but the only word that comes to my mind is idiotic. Can you help me figure out what to say ... Read more...
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Episode #25 Today’s Question: The Bullied Kid “My 9 year old daughter was bullied all year by the same boy. I brought my concerns to the teacher multiple times and told the yard duty to keep an eye on her at recess. On the last day of school he purposely pushed her down while they ... Read more...
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Question of the Day: “What do I say when my daughter says she’s fat or talks negatively about her body?” I’ve been asked this question many times over the years. Because I’ve been teaching sex education since the dawn of time, people assume I also know how to answer questions about body image, but it ... Read more...
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Help Torie! I am nervous about summer! I’m a stay home mom and I WANT to be one of those chill moms who loves hanging out by the pool sipping lemonade. My kids are 5, 7 and 9 so I’ve done this enough times to know that I’m not a great summer-mom. I love the ... Read more...
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Help Torie! I am nervous about the summer! I’m a stay home mom and I WANT to be one of those chill moms that loves hanging out by the pool sipping lemonade. My kids are 5, 7 and 9 so I’ve done this enough times to know that I’m not a great summer-mom. I love the structure that the school year provides but I’m not good at creating structure for myself at home. I signed them up for swim lessons and some other activities but I’m nervous about not getting enough time by myself. I have friends that love the slow paced, lazy days of summer. I like the idea of it but the reality is, I'll probably be crazy by July. How can I make the most of my summer? -Stephanie
Parent Educator Answer: Summertime is important for the mental, emotional and physical health of children. There are two pass times that will optimize this quality time for kids: downtime and pursuing passions.
Children’s brains need the lazy, slow paced days of summer to integrate learning, build relationships, and recalibrate to life without stress. It’s also a great time to discover and pursue passions that they might not have time for during the school year. If your child loves baking, allowing her extra time to do get creative in the kitchen is a great use of summer. Whether it’s building a hammock out of duct tape or learning to dive into the pool, giving kids time to choose activities freely increases the motivation parts of their brains.
Sorry kids, (and tired moms), the negative consequences of screen time on children’s physical, mental and emotional health are still out weighing any positive effects. Find passions to pursue in the real world to maximize summer. TV and video games are too physiologically stressful to be considered down time.
Life Coaching Answer: With the kids squared away, it’s time to talk about MOM. Stephanie, you sound like a classic "obliger". Gretchen Rubin wrote a book called The Four Tendencies which describes 4 different tendencies that come into play when someone wants to take change a habit. One tendency she calls, obliger. Obligers have an easy time meeting EXTERNAL expectations (we show up on time for appointments, we remember to attend Back to School nights, etc.) but we have a hard time with INTERNAL expectations (going to the gym, making time for ourselves, etc.)
You say you do well with the structure of school, but are worried about getting enough time by yourself. Other tendencies (Upholder and Questioner) have an easy time meeting INTERNAL expectations. Meaning, if they want to lay in the sun and read a book everyday, they do it. If they want to work out, they head to the gym easily without any drama. The problem for Obligers is the KIDS start to take on the role of “external expectations”.
It’s easy for us to obey the demands of others: “Mom, can you drive me to Sophie’s?” “Mom, I’m hungry.” “Mom, can we go to the pool today?”
It’s almost like we lose the ability to hear our own voice. We feel imprisoned by the demands of our kids. Waiting for them to be happy and satisfied before we can listen to our own voice.
Obliger moms have an especially hard time being home with kids all day.
Rather than wishing you were the kind of mom who can just chill and enjoy a slow paced summer, learning to work with your natural tendency will make life much easier. Here are 4 tips to help obliger moms enjoy summer more.
- Recognize that waiting for your children to be happy and satisfied isn’t working. They will never push you out the door saying, “Go take care of yourself now, Mom!” If you want to feel better this summer, it’s going to have to come from your desire to give your kids a happy summer mommy.
- Start everyday with a paper and pen, asking yourself “What would I LOVE to accomplish today?” “How do I want to feel while accomplishing these things?” “When I look back on my day before going to bed, what will I be most proud of?” Sit in the driver’s seat of your brain and tell it what to focus on.
- Build in external expectations. Have a friend meet you at the gym. Tell your kids you have an appointment with your book at 3:00 and it’s their job to make sure you don’t miss it. Sign up for a class for YOURSELF. Make an appointment with a life coach.
- Use a timer as your external accountability: "I have 15 minutes to clean and then I get to relax." or "I will drive you to your friend's house if you'll let me read for 30 minutes first." The world benefits from obligers, but putting ourselves last has a cost to it. It's time to prioritize your goals, dreams and desires, and show your kids the value of pursuing things that are important to you.
Supermom Kryptonite: Compare and despair. It’s so easy to “compare and despair”. We go on Pinterest or Instagram and see other Moms so happy and creative, we think we should be different than we are. Everyone else appears to be having an easier time than us so we assume we should be different.
Instead, try thinking about adapting your life as a mom to your particular personality. If you like external expectations, sign up for classes and make appointments with friends and life coaches to help you work towards your goals. If you are introverted and need extra time to be inside your own head, respect that and check into a hotel by yourself for 2 nights.
Take time everyday to reflect on how things are going: What do you miss? What do you yearn for? Motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all. The goal is to give your kids a happy, fulfilled mom. Make sure you are paying attention to who you are and what you want, rather than what everyone else is doing.
Supermom Power Boost - Read the book, The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin Understanding your tendency can help you have compassion for yourself and others. Compassion always feels good and boosts our energy. If you get frustrated with yourself, "Why can't I be more easy going?" or "Why is it so hard for me to break this bad habit?" this book will help answer your questions. There's no one tendency that's better than another (although Gretchen Rubin says Obligers don't tend to like being obligers, where the other tendencies enjoy themselves more).
I WISH this book had been required reading before marrying my "Rebel" husband. It would have saved me many years of frustration, trying to get him to do what I wanted him to do. Raising a rebel child came with it's own brand of craziness. Since all teenagers have a rebellious streak, I recommend reading how to motivate a rebel for anyone raising an adolescent.
Whether you are an Obliger, Rebel, Questioner, or Upholder, understanding and ACCEPTING your tendency makes life easier and more fun. We tend to project our expectations onto our family, thinking they should be more like us. When you identify your loved ones tendencies, it's easier to enjoy them for who they are.
Quote: “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.” Gretchen Rubin
Today’s Question: Kid Holding a Grudge Hello! I LOVE and look forward to listening to your podcast! I have three girls: 13, 11, and 9. My 9-year-old is a very bright, confident, gregarious, and tenacious young child. I do think that these are very strong qualities, but wonder if they get in the way of ... Read more...
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Question of the Day – Feeling Overwhelmed “I feel so overwhelmed with the “end of school year” craziness. I’ve got 3 little kids and their 3 teachers are asking so many things of me: bring $5 for a field trip, send brownies for a party, send in a baby picture for kinder-graduation, black pants for ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: Middle School Misery My son is finishing up 7th grade and had a terrible year. He is BEGGING me to homeschool him next year. He’s always struggled with reading but got through elementary school with help and support. He’s a bright kid, knows everything about every type of animals and their habitats. He ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: On College Disappointment My son is finishing up high school and did everything he was supposed to do. He worked hard, got good grades, did extracurricular activities, volunteer work- you name the hoop, he jumped through it. The university that he had set his heart on did not accept him and he is ... Read more...
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Join me for the 7-day Supermom Challenge and reconnect with yourself and your essence! I feel so silly asking this but it’s really weighing on my mind! What should I do for mother’s day? I know it’s MY DAY to do whatever I want to do, but I can’t figure it out. Every idea I ... Read more...
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How can I encourage independence? episode #16 Question – “My daughter constantly follows me around the house always wanting my attention. I give her A LOT of attention! I’m a stay-home Mom and we are together all the time. She even follows me into the bathroom. I’ve tried “filling up her tank” just to see ... Read more...
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What’s the right way to handle a disrespectful child? My son is 8, is a great kid all around, but he’s mean to me. He can be sweet and loving one minute, but a rude and disrespectful child the next. He talks back, ignores me when I’m talking, and “accidentally” bumps me with his backpack ... Read more...
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How to motivate your child in one simple step Today’s “parent education” answer is a fabulous way to motivate any child or adult so keep listening even if today’s question isn’t reflective of your situation. Today’s Question: “My son is quite smart and capable, but not motivated in school. He does his homework but forgets ... Read more...
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Episode #14 Today’s Question: My middle school kids are constantly fighting. They are close in age (12 and 13) and used to be the best of friends, always playing happily together. Lately, however, it’s been awful. They bicker and are constantly picking on each other, trying to bring the other down. I really want my ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: My kids are constantly pressuring me for sweets. They ask for sugary cereal when they get up in the morning, cookies after school, and dessert before they go to bed at night. My daughter tells me other kids tease her when she brings healthy food to school. She wants to bring processed junk ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: Today’s question comes from almost every one of my clients. So many moms have a hard time articulating what’s bothering them. They say, “My kids are on my nerves,” “I feel off my game,” or “I feel lost, stuck, bored, easily annoyed.” Whatever they say, it all seems to fall under the umbrella ... Read more...
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Today’s question: I really want my son to eat healthily but he is such a picky eater. It drives me crazy that he’s so resistant to the foods I like to cook. I keep presenting the same foods to him hoping he’ll come around as the experts suggest. I have heard that the definition of ... Read more...
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Today’s question: “I’m impressed, but also worried about my daughter. She’s 16 and has a 4.4 GPA, great friends, and excels in dance. She is amazingly driven, but averages 4-5 hours of sleep every night. Recently she got REALLY sick. Two weeks of flu symptoms so severe, she almost needed to be hospitalized. Now she’s ... Read more...
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Today’s question: “My son is 16 and UNMOTIVATED. He gets by at school, but that’s it. He doesn’t play sports or have a job or even his driver’s license. I’ve given this kid every opportunity, and I’m resentful that he doesn’t appreciate it. I’m sick of nagging and trying to motivate him because clearly, it’s ... Read more...
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Today’s Question: I’ve got 3 kids, ages 1, 3, and 5. My oldest has special needs. Recently, I got the flu and was totally out of it. Before I could fully recuperate my kids all got sick. It’s been two weeks and I’m EXHAUSTED. Total zombie mommy, barely functioning, and yet…I STILL cannot bring myself ... Read more...
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Today’s question: “My daughter is 9 years old and doesn’t seem to have any friends. There are girls in the neighborhood we carpool with, and kids she goes to school, gymnastics, and temple with, but she doesn’t seek these kids out on the weekends or after school. At recess or on weekends, she prefers playing by ... Read more...
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Episode 6 – How to make a chore chart work Today’s question: I’ve tried chore charts in the past, but I have a hard time keeping up with them. I let things slide, but then it bothers me that my kids don’t help out more around the house. My older kid is more cooperative than ... Read more...
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Episode #5 “How to set boundaries with kid’s screen time” Today’s question: “The cell phone and video game use in my house are getting out of control. How can I set boundaries with my kids that they will actually follow? I’m ready to throw the damn phones out the window.” Maggie What is a boundary? A ... Read more...
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How do I get my family to pitch in and help me? Today’s question comes from Elizabeth – I’m tired of doing all the work! I have 3 school aged kids, a capable husband, a house, 2 dogs and 2 pet rats. When I signed up to be a stay-at-home mom, I did not realize ... Read more...
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Episode #3 How can I motivate my son to do his homework after school? Today’s question comes from Lyla: “My son is in 6th grade and isn’t motivated to do his homework. He does the bare minimum to get by. Everyday after school, I suggest, plead, scream, command (depends on my mood) that he GET ... Read more...
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Episode #2 How do I get my teenager to be nice to me? Question from Amber: “I have a great teenager. He’s hard working, fun to be around, nice to his sister, in fact, he’s nice to everyone, except ME. When I sit next to him on the couch, he gets up. When I try ... Read more...
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Episode #1 “How do I get my kids to listen to me?” Question of the Day: “I feel like I walk around all day barking orders. ‘Pick up your shoes, turn off the TV, finish your homework, clear your plate.” I’m exhausted from the constant negotiating and push back I seem to constantly get and ... Read more...
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