Mindset Minutes: Recent Episodes
Colm O'Reilly
Daily quick and useable tips to help you build your proactive self care routine. Brough to you by The Mental Health Plan!
Mindset Monday Challenge - Spread Kindness
This week’s Mindset Monday is inspired by Annie Lennox and Al Green. I won’t subject you to my singing voice but “think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand.”
Altruism and acts of kindness have been proven to boost our own well-being. If you have all you need you naturally will start to check in on those close to you to make sure they’re doing okay. We can build our sense of abundance by starting with checking in and helping out others. Our brains reason that if we’re doing this, we must be safe and secure.
The simplest way you can do this is by checking in on someone you care about. You mightn’t need to actually do anything to help them. Very often the thing that we’re missing is someone to fully listen to us. And we’re all capable of listening to our friends and family and giving them the gift of being heard.
Or we can share a meme that will bring a smile to my face. This is another preferred method of kindness that’s easy to do, hopefully makes the people you care about chuckle, and puts a little love in your heart.
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Mindset Monday - Are you looking for truth or validation?
This week let’s ask ourselves if we’re looking for the truth or validation, if we’re looking for what’s right, or to prove we’re right.
We can use this approach when we’re conversing with ourselves and our thoughts. And we can also use it when we’re talking with someone. Drop the desire to be correct and instead enter conversations with an attitude of curiosity, seeing what you can learn and understand rather than proving your point.
It’s our ego that needs to be right. Sometimes this is very important, like we know it’s right to cross the street. Other times, it’s not so much. And it’s this need to be right that can cost us in connections, growth and opportunity.
Take the time this week to question your motives. Seek less validation and spend a little more time looking for what’s right and let me know how you get on.
If you’d like support with this strategy, reach out!
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www.thementalhealthplan.com
Mindset Monday - Drop The “Yeah, But…”
This week’s Mindset Monday Challenge is aimed at improving your communication, and it involves dropping “yeah, but” from your speech.
Therapists like to say everything before the but is BS. When we say “yeah, but” we’ve really dismissed the other persons point of view, and are more interested in being heard and getting our point across. At the very extreme it shows that we might not have even been listening all that much.
When we hear “yeah, but” do we feel listened to, respected and understood? My guess is no. We feel like we’re in an argument of opinions, and it’s an adversarial style of discourse.
You might be thinking “yeah, but I really need to get my point across!” To that I’ll ask if you think your point will be more or less received without that phrase?
So what’s the alternative? To repeat back to the other person what you heard them say, to make sure you understood them. You can either parrot or paraphrase. There’s more to it, so start with that and let me know how your conversations go this week.
If you’d like to talk more about cooperative communication, just reach out.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Matt’s Mindset Course Experience
Matt got in touch with me to run a 12-Week Mindset Course for his gym. In this short video he shares why he reached out, his experience, the benefits and advice to anyone considering the same.
If you’d like to set this up for your team reach out to me - colm@thementalhealthplan.com
www.thementalhealthplan.com
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Tough Love Thursday - Avoidance and Distractions Are Not Mental Health
Lately there’s been a lot of arguments made for services to be classified as vital for mental health.
One problem is mental health is synonymous with mental illness. If you are severely depressed, or anxious, you absolutely need a professional to help you. Either through talk therapy, medication, or some combination of the above.
Building mental health is further along the continuum. It’s all the repeated acts of positive self care that add up to mental well-being, peace of mind, and happiness.
Any activity with the right intention and execution can build mental health. But any activity that’s used as a means of avoidance for a distraction isn’t contributing to your peace of mind. If you run to enjoy the endorphins and fresh air it can be a positive. If you only feel good about yourself after you’ve had your run, or run excessively while avoiding your obligations and difficulty conversations/self reflection, then it is no longer a method of building and preserving your mental health.
Mental health cannot be built only on what feels good. You need to address your self limiting beliefs, bad habits, unresolved memories, and embrace the “dark” side of development. This can be done through ‘making yourself’ study in order to improve your career, having raw and honest conversations with loved ones or professionals, and sitting with yourself to clear your jumbled up thoughts and feelings.
When you commit to the difficult, uncomfortable, or downright scary tasks of true self care, that’s where the real pay off of peace of mind and true mental health resides.
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Mindset Monday - What Can You Remove?
So often in life we feel the need to add something to our lives to make them better.
That can be adding physical things like a bigger home, new shiny phone, more clothes, etc.
Or it can be adding in practices like extra workouts, more experiences, more time reading or learning how to cook.
All of these things can be great, or they add to our stress if it creates a sense of angst because we’ve too much to do and not enough time or energy to do it.
That’s why this week I’d like you to investigate what you can reduce and remove? A simple practice I do is look for one item to throw away each day. Just one. This promotes calm through gradually decluttering the physical environment.
But we can also look at activities we can remove, like spending 20 minutes getting your daily coffee or watching Netflix past 10pm.
Finally, we can look at thoughts that are no longer serving and look to remove those as well.
Try a week of subtraction and see how it adds to your mental well-being.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Tough Love Thursday - Nobody “Makes You” Feel Anything
The words we use to describe ourselves and how we feel are incredibly powerful. This is why I invite you to be reflective of the words you habitually use.
When we say someone or something “made me feel” a certain way we’re putting ourselves in the victim role. When we say something outside of us makes us feel something we’re putting the solution outside of our control as well.
Let me be clear, external events and people’s actions can absolutely trigger our emotional response. The trigger is external, the cause is internal. It’s our thinking about the situation, our history, our choice - even if it seems like it’s a split second choice - that leads to the emotion we’re feeling.
It’s a subtle shift in language, changing from “you made me” to “when you did this, I felt X” yet repeated enough it changes our worldview, our sense of self and our agency over time. When we take responsibility for the feelings we have, we’re empowering ourselves. When we put this on someone or something else, we’re making life unnecessarily harder on ourselves.
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Tough Love Thursday - Stop Shoulding
This week’s Tough Love Thursday is to stop “Shoulding” - saying and thinking that things and people should or shouldn’t be a certain way!
When we waste energy on shoulds we’re taking away from our happiness in the moment and our ability to improve our life. “Should” is just us fighting what actually is. Our thinking is creating a narrative about what’s going on, and usually how unfair or wrong it is that it’s happening.
To help us overcome this tendency to should ourselves into negative headspace, we can use replacement words.
When we say we should do something - eat better, save more, invest in our mind’s health - we can replace that with “I will”. Now we’re creating a positive intention instead of either berating ourselves for not living up to a standard or wishing for magical improvement some point in the future.
If we’re talking about other events or people, we can replace should with what we’d like to see. Instead of “they shouldn’t be so disrespectful” we can state our boundaries with “I’d like it if…” and be specific, kind and clear about what we want.
Any time we should we’re in judgment mode about something outside of our control. When we replace should we’re brining back our acceptance of the present and our agency to improve our lives.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Mindset Is The Missing Piece To Happiness
Like most of us I spent most of my life chasing tangible goals, and trying to “fix” my external world. I genuinely believed that once I got the money, the body fat levels, the right people, lived in the right area, I’d be happy and at peace inside.
Looking at people who had what I thought would make me happy and seeing they weren’t as content as I thought they should helped me realise that chasing the outward markers of success wasn’t a guarantee of fulfilment.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s super important to make progress. Making strides towards meaningful outcomes is a critical part of our well-being, we’d never be fully happy just sitting around all day doing nothing. Striving is important. Chasing these goals and placing our happiness on the far side of “success” is a surefire way to ensure you remain miserable.
We’re always going to have problems to deal with, and issues to overcome. That’s a given in life. When I started commitment to a daily mindset practice (which doesn’t take as much time out of your day as you’d think!) that’s when not only did I feel more at ease internally but I made more progress in my personal and business goals.
It’s important to invest some effort daily in our health, relationships and wealth. Most of us shy away from the mental health side because we’re not familiar with what’s involved and unsure if it’s working. So we continuously go back to our jobs or exercise - habits we’re familiar with. Because of this I’ve refined my mindset training to give you easy to understand, actionable steps, and regular check in and accountability so we can know if it’s working or not.
If you haven’t taken the time to invest in your mind, reach out and let’s talk about how we can improve this vital area of your life. - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
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Where Are You Hoping For The Lotto Ticket?
This week’s Tough Love Thursday let’s ask ourselves “where am I looking for the lotto ticket?”
What I mean by this is what area of your life are you hoping it will just solve itself, or someone will just take care of it 100%?
It could be you're hoping one activity will give you perfect clarity of mind. Or that one person can solve your loneliness, one conversation repairs your relationships, one change fixes your nutrition and health, or maybe you're hoping for the lotto ticket to solve all your financial woes!
We do this when we feel powerless, or when it seems the energy expended isn't worth the pay off. The thing is the energy and time we waste wanting things to be fixed ends up costing us more in the long run.
For the longest time I was like this with my mindset and mental health - I wanted someone else to fix it, and very often fantasised that the next person or next event would give me the peace I was looking for. But it was never going to be one thing. It was a few key actions, applied in the correct order and given enough time to work. When I committed to small actions consistently applied that’s when I got the results I needed.
Once we've become aware of where we're wishing for the magical fix, we can then start accepting where we are, and reassuring ourselves that small fixes added up will ultimately have an impact. It can also help to think of other areas where you consistently put in the work and eventually saw the reward.
If you need help with this - which is a perfectly okay strategy - just reach out and let's talk.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Mindset Monday: What Are You Waiting For?
This week’s Mindset Challenge is to invest some time and ask yourself, “What are you waiting for?” Maybe you’re waiting for someone, or work to get less busy, or your debt to get paid down, or to reach a certain body fat level.
When we ask ourselves what we’re waiting for we’re also bringing to light what emotional payoff is on the other side of this event - be it happiness, peace of mind, freedom, security et cetera.
Now there’s two ways to use this information. The first, more quote-unquote practical way, is to ask yourself what habit change or environment/routine change you can make that will improve this situation, and then make a plan to start implementing some percentage of that change today.
The second one is to ask yourself what need is behind that strategy, recognising that it is a strategy, and then ask yourself what other ways might that need be met, either partially or completely.
We all have a tendency to get fixated on a strategy, and even knowing this I’m no different and have to regularly check myself before I wreck myself pursuing one strategy that I’ve become overly focused on.
Look at what you’re waiting for, what’s behind that and how else it can be satisfied, and you will find how freeing this thought process is.
Let me know how you get on!
www.thementalhealthplan.com
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
2020: Acceptance Or Resignation?
I learnt a good lesson from one of my mentors this week that I’d like to share with you. He pointed out that my acceptance of 2020 was slipping into resignation.
Actually, what he said was “Stop saying ‘it’s 2020, it’s a bunch of shit, there’s only here and now.’ He’s real subtle with his words like that!
Acceptance is taking things as they are, taking the cards you’re dealt and playing the best hand you can. Resignation is giving up and tolerating things as they are.
Acceptance is empowering and active. Resignation is fatalistic.
What I took from this is yes there’s challenges posed by 2020, restrictions in place and obstacles to overcome. But is it really any different from any other time in history? Am I making excuses for why I’m not making the progress I want or am I looking for alternative strategies?
There are real and tangible limits on us each and every day - we’ve obligations, we’re reliant on other people or a bit of luck to get our goals over the line. Only you can answer if these are legitimate reasons you need to change strategy, or just excuses that aren’t empowering you.
Needs and Wants
When we’re setting our daily intentions about what will make our day a good day we can often find ourselves focused on wants over needs. This is particularly true if we make other people responsible for making our day a success. “I want to make that sale.” “I want my kids to behave.” “I want to the win the competition.” All of these aren’t in our control so we’re relying on other people to help us become fulfilled.
We all have fundamental needs - security, variety, connection, contribution, growth, achievement. Wants are our particular strategy to get our needs met.
I want to go travelling. But it’s 2020 so that’s off the cards right now. I could get upset about that, and have at times. But what’s behind that want, that strategy? My need for freedom and variety. Knowing this, I can look at other ways I can get my needs met.
Knowing that our wants are a strategy to get our needs met, we can be more open to different strategies when external factors force us to change our plans. If you find yourself wanting someone to behave in a certain way, or something to happen, look what’s underneath and ask yourself what’s another way to get this need met?
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Mindset Monday - Shave With Hanlon’s Razor
Hanlon’s Razor is an aphorism - Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Or to put it another way, don’t assume people’s actions are evil or out to hurt you, it’s just that they don’t know any better.
All too often our stress isn’t caused so much by what someone has done, but our reaction to it, and what we tell ourselves are the reasons why they did that.
In the moment, it’s hard not to think other people are acting out to get you, or to hurt you, or to make your life difficult. But when we take a moment to breathe, and consider that they may not know the impact their words or actions are having, we’re less likely to suffer in our minds.
Remember, how often do we act in the way that deliberately tries to harm someone else? Are our own hurtful actions ever motivated by a story that they deserved it? Or that in the moment we simply forgot to consider the impact it might have on them?
This week, when you notice yourself frustrated or annoyed with people, apply Hanlon’s Razor and ask if what they did was motivated out of spite or simply ignorance?
Let me know how you get on 😊
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Mindset Monday - What Do You Need To Invest In Your Mind?
Seriously, I’m asking what do you need.
- Is it a strategy?
- Is it accountability?
- Do you need something in your life to change before you can commit time to it?
- Is it you can’t see the benefits of it? You’re unsure of the point?
You’re spending your entire life living with your mind. The way it interprets the world is fundamental to how you act, how you feel and your level of life satisfaction. But so few of us were ever taught that we could influence our brain patterns and how to train your mind. So we spend most of our time trying to influence external factors. Some are inside our control, and a lot are outside our control.
My request this week is to take a few minutes - it won’t take long - and ask yourself what you need in order to start taking care of your mind. I’d love it if you could share it with me. Message me on any platform with what you need and how I can help!
How Your First Meditation Will Feel
Whether you call it a clarity break, mindful minute, meditation, downtime, or whatever, the common myth is that when we do focused mindfulness work, that our brains should just be quiet.
When this doesn’t happen, so many of us think we’re failing because we can’t hold our concentration on the breath, or whatever the object of our practice is.
Usually when we sit down for a mental break, our mind will be used to going a mile a minute, and trying to catch up with everything that’s been going on. So you’ll usually think about the emails you need to send, the work you still need to do, people you want to call, and a million other things.
This is perfectly normal! It’s EXACTLY what you should expect and it’s actually proof that the practice is working.
Think of your mind as a jar of water with some sand it in. Your busy life and hectic schedule are shaking it vigorously. When you take a break the water doesn’t immediately become still nor does the dust settle. As it slows down you see the water and the sand more clearly.
Because you’ve taken a break from external stimuli your brain gets a chance to sort things, and these are always the first things to bubble up to the surface. Instead of getting annoyed that you can’t settle the mind, (which is nigh on impossible!) you can be thankful that you remembered that important email you need to send. Without taking a break you might have completely forgotten.
As you make time for your mind more regular, you’ll notice less urgent things pop to the surface and deeper thoughts beginning to emerge. You’ll even begin to notice those days where the mind doesn’t immediately burst out an avalanche of thoughts.
Regardless of whether there’s a steady stream or a raging flood of thoughts, the time you’re taking is always building up your mental health. Having thoughts is not failing meditation, in fact every time we notice a thought we’re winning.
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Mindset Monday - What’s Worth Failing At?
There’s the cliched question “what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” It’s meant to help you decide what you’re passionate about and then build your career around that.
I’m going to flip it on its head this week and ask you “What’s worth failing at?” What is so important to you to try that you’re willing to put in the effort regardless of the outcome?
The reason I ask this is fear of failure can be paralysing. We don’t want to look stupid. We don’t want to waste our time. We don’t want to lose our shirt. And all too often this fear of failure stops us from feeling anxious in the short term, but leads to a lot of regrets in the long term.
Asking yourself what you’re willing to fail at is a short cut to your values and priorities - what’s really important to you? Also, because we’re willing to fail we’re able to give 100% to our effort, without keeping an eye on the scoreboard. Ultimately, a lot of the results are out of our control - 2020 has probably taught us all that. But our attitude and our effort is always in our control, and the thing we can feel proud of, regardless of what the end result is.
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Mindset Monday - Allow Yourself To Feel Uncomfortable
If you’ve been watching for a while you know I love talking about counterintuitive methods and how they can help us.
So much of our lives we attempt to make easier or more comfortable. Some of the time this is a worthy pursuit, but a lot of the time it’s not fulfilling, can lead to more discomfort in the long run, or just holds us back without us knowing.
Avoiding that awkward conversation is comfortable in the short term, but not good for our stress if we keep thinking about it or the behaviour keeps going. Sitting on social media avoiding work is comfortable, but not very fulfilling.
And avoiding our mindful minute or mental health rituals can be comfortable because we don’t have to acknowledge unhelpful thought patterns or feel intense emotions. Without it though, we’re mindlessly trapped in our default patterns which hold us back from maximising our lives.
This week, allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. Start small, and take breaks as you need to. The more you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable the more you’ll realise that discomfort isn’t life threatening, and on the opposite side there’s a lot more freedom, fulfilment and self-pride.
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There’s mastery of our craft, which is our career, athletic goals, finances, relationships, etc. Basically anything that’s tangible or easily measurable. Then there’s mastery of self – our internal world of thoughts and emotions.*
Most of us have been taught that we achieve an external/tangible goal, and that will lead to our inner happiness, peace of mind, self belief, etc. However when we hit that goal, we’re not as satisfied as we thought we’d be.
We’ve two choices now, look inward or pursue the higher goal.
In this episdoe I explain why when we start to look inward it can feel uncomfortable and why we’ll often return to the familiar zone of working on our tangible goals (despite knowing they haven’t given us the results we were looking for previously.)
*Credit to Michael Gervais for the terminology.
Mindset Monday - Lower Expectations
Most of the advice in the world is telling you to raise your standards and expectations. And a lot of the time it’s true and helpful.
I also love when counterintuitive advice helps us get unstuck and make progress, and I think lowering your expectations is one of those times.
A lot of the time we’re stuck because inertia is powerful and very difficult to overcome. So we tell ourselves we need a lot of energy to get going, and it’s energy we don’t have. (Or time, or money, or support.)
And we tell ourselves that the first attempt needs to be perfect. If it’s not, we’re just wasting our time.
That’s true if it’s something super vital that we need to see return on straight away. But rarely, if ever, is that the case. In fact most of the time it’s more about consistent imperfect iterations that add up to get you where you want to go.
We know that nothing will happen unless you take some action (or take some quiet time in the midst of constant activity) so this week in order to make progress lower your expectations of what you want to achieve and just take imperfect action. Then tomorrow take slightly less imperfect action, and keep building momentum.
Or you know, keep waiting until you’ve the perfect plan and see how that goes 🤪
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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It’s All A Mess (And No Thing Will Fix It!)
I was talking with someone the other day and they were expressing a lot of sadness, anger and frustration at the state of their life. Nearly everyone of us has felt at some point that nothing was right and nothing would fix it.
And you know what, they were right? No-thing would fix it. No one thing is going to fix everything. To take an extreme example, there’s early evidence that psilocybin or psychedelics have a massive impact on PTSD, treatment resistant depression, addiction and anxiety. BUT even a single session which has the perfect combo of set, setting and dose needs follow up counselling to properly integrate the experience.
That’s a very intense example. The point I’m trying to make is that looking and hoping for one single fix ranges from ineffective to harmful. Taking small steps, which over time compound, is how we bring about change and fix everything.
And yes it costs us mental energy to do this as sometimes life can feel so overwhelming and we’re already stretched too thin. This is where being kind to yourself in terms of the expectations you set and/or the help you request will make a difference. Because then you’ll continue to focus on the small, tiny, almost inconsequential steps (and not keeping looking at the scoreboard) for long enough to make a difference to your life.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Mindset Monday - What Can You Say No To?
Every Mindset Monday is designed to take the lessons you’ve learnt so far and put them into immediate action. The action could reap immediate returns or they could be slow burners that improve your life incrementally over time.
This week we’re going to ask ourselves “What can I say ‘no’ to this week?” Take a minute to get calm and clear and then write down your answer.
It could be saying ‘no’ to negative self talk, ‘no’ to excuses about why you can’t make time for yourself or why you can’t go after what you want. It could be ‘no’ to obligations and engagements that don’t align with your values or mission. Or it could be as simple as ‘no’ to that cookie or Netflix binge when you want to eat healthier and read more.
Saying ‘no’ to what you don’t want frees up your time and energy to saying ‘yes’ to what you do want and what gives your life meaning and enjoyment.
Let me know how you get on 😊
www.thementalhealthplan.com
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
You’re not broken. You’re not wounded.
Language is important, particularly in the language we used to describe ourselves. I’d like if anyone has used the terms “broken” or “wounded” to describe their trauma to listen to this:
You’re not broken. You’re not wounded.
Saying so implies all of you is broken or wounded. And if so, you’re incomplete, and it’s not too far of a step then to think you’re not worthy or enough.
You may have wounds, or emotional scar tissue. But that doesn’t mean you’re entirely broken or incomplete. Having scars, or flaws, or areas you’re working to improve doesn’t diminish your value. In fact recognising them means you’re willing to consciously acknowledge all the parts that make you you, and that’s admirable.
If this has been a way you’ve talked to yourself or described yourself, I’d urge you to try a new way and see how it improves your identity and self acceptance.
How Clarity Helps Your Communication and Relationships
So much of our happiness (and frustrations!) come from the people in our lives. Therefore it makes sense that we should invest time in developing our relationships. Most of us don’t do this in any deliberate fashion, and run the risk of miscommunication, misunderstanding and all that comes with it.
Think of this: If you’re a mess in your head, and try to communicate in a messy way with someone else who may also be unclear in their head, you’re not set up for success.
Hence it’s so important we get calm, clear and comfortable in ourselves before we engage in any important dialogue.
Clarity allows us to articulate specifically what our concerns are, what are needs and desires are, and what our boundaries are. When we’re clear we’re more likely to communicate in a way that invokes empathy, rather than resentment or defensiveness.
When you’re calmer, you’re less likely to react. It’s easier then to be curious about what the other person means. You’re better able to listen rather than having your ego preparing it’s defence or prepared remarks!
None of this is manipulation. Manipulation is born out of scarcity and greed, and also out of the belief that others are wholly responsible for what you want. They’re holding what you need and it needs to be taken from them. It’s zero-sum game thinking.
In fact, when we’re calm and clear we’re much more likely to look for and find a strategy that allows everyone’s needs to be met.
I said it’s important to get your mind and feelings clear before interaction, when in reality it’s a continuous back and forth. You gain a little understanding of yourself, then through calm interaction gain and understanding of the other and the relationship. Then you’re back to understanding how this changes your thoughts and feelings, and so on.
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Another Reason Why You’ll Quit Taking Care of Your Mind
The starting point for improving your mindset and mental well-being is to spend some quiet time daily. This allows you to gain clarity on what thoughts and feelings you’re having. Many of these are just running on autopilot in the background.
What often happens is you start to notice a lot of your patterns of thought - the stories your brain creates to make sense of the data it observes - maybe aren’t that helpful, healthy or useful.
https://thementalhealthplan.com/another-reason-why-youll-quit-taking-care-of-your-mind/
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Why you should mind yourself at the start of your day
I recommend you take care of your mind at the start of the day. If not, it becomes just another thing you need to tick off on your task list. If it’s something you fit in around everything else it can be a source of stress, and a speed bump to your momentum during the day. You’ll try get through it so you can get on with it.
Amazingly, this doesn’t lead to all the benefits we talk about!
When we take time for our mind at the start of the day, it puts us in control of our mood and mental energy. We’re less reactive to things because we’ve built that buffer of calmness and clarity in our mind. We know what’s important, where our focus needs to go, and we also have the assurance that no mater what comes up we’ve invested in our mental health.
To make this morning ritual easier to embed, I always recommend tying it to a habit you already have. Taking a minute with your morning cup of coffee is my favourite. Chances are you’re on your phone, so it’s only takes a second to set your timer for one minute and afterward note what you’re grateful for and what your intentions for the day.
You deserve the time to set yourself up for success each day. Done right this small investment pays off many times over for you.
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
You Need Both
There’s many mentors and success gurus, executive coaches, strategist, etc, that will tell you that when you achieve X then you’ll be happy. On the other side there’s plenty that will tell you that you need to achieve inner peace or self love before you can set out to achieve your external goals.
In reality, we need both. It’s not an either/or proposition.
Exercise can boost your mood and help you feel better. But exercise can be an escape from your worries and over indulgence is just as big a problem. Money shortages causes a lot of stress. But money isn’t going to solve ALL your problems. There’s plenty of wealthy and dissatisfied people too.
Done right, mastery of your outer world and mastery of self is complimentary and a virtuous cycle. One without the other is insufficient. There’s no point being outwardly successful but inwardly distraught. And it’s just as hollow working on pure inner peace without interacting the world and making your impression on it.
And they should be worked on together. You don’t need to get your head perfect before you move in the world, and you don’t need to solve all your other problems before you turn inward. Each day make sure both pieces improve and build on each other.
https://thementalhealthplan.com/you-need-both/
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
This week’s Mindset Monday is to set your long term priorities and then ensure your calendar and actions reflect these in your day to day life.
We all fall prey to the “have to’s” of life, emergencies that pop up, people that need our time, urgent tasks etc. I regularly need to audit my time to make sure what I’m doing is in line with my values and priorities and not just saying yes to the loud demands. Without doing this, we can feel frustrated and unfulfilled when we look back on our weeks, months, or years.
https://thementalhealthplan.com/mindset-monday-whats-the-long-term-priority/
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Mindset isn’t a tablet, it’s a vitamin
A lot of the time people treat mindset work like a tablet - to be taken to alleviate symptoms when you’re not well. Then once you’re through the shaky patch, to be discontinued until you need it again.
Mindset is one of the five pillars of health, alongside sleep, nutrition, movement and relationships. And just like all the other aspects, it needs consistency above all else.
We all shy away from preventative work because the urgency isn’t there to solve any obvious problem. Then when problems come along we wished we’d prepared better for it.
Treat Mindset work like your vitamins - another part of your daily ritual to maintain and build your health. When you apply a little bit each day to improve your thinking and your mood you’ll have the necessary mental reserves to cope when life throws challenges at you.
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Caught Up In The Panic-Slump Cycle?
The Panic-Slump cycle is getting an adrenaline high from solving an emergency or drama followed by a low.
Now maybe your adrenaline high doesn’t feel good. You’re capable of springing into action when things need to be solved - you’re great in a crisis.
It takes its toll on you. Maybe it’s not immediate but you feel like you can’t focus on growth while putting out fires or dealing with others issues. Or you stop exercising, sleeping or eating right while in solve everything mode.
On top of this many of us who go through these cycles feel like if we didn’t do it nobody would. So we’re not taking care of everything out of choice, but out of obligation. We’re taking care of everything and everyone, except ourselves.
The cycle is addictive. Our brains can actually get addicted to the adrenaline and the dopamine (when we solve the problem). Like any addiction, it can bubble away below the surface and cause unseen damage. Sometimes the damage is a drag on your productivity, sometimes it’s as severe as to ultimately lead to a heart attack.
But you can step off the rollercoaster of emergency. If it sounds like something you experience and want to talk about it, just reach out and we’ll explore what strategy works best for you.
There are two reasons you’ll stop working on your mindset.
The first is “it worked so well I stopped doing it.” Maybe you started meditation during a particularly stressful time and used the practice to get through it. Then once out the other end you “didn’t need that stuff” to go about your day.
The second is when things hit the fan we abandon the practice because it’s not urgent. You’ve too many fires to put out that you can’t waste time sitting quietly when there’s so much to be done.
The problem with both of them is you never break free of the panic-slump cycle.
If you’re only investing in calming your mind during a crisis you’ll never build any buffer of calm to stop you getting stressed and anxious. And after a few goes of the cycle you’ll start to dismiss the practice as not worth it.
If you drop your self care when there’s an emergency you’re increasing, not decreasing your chance of making a costly mistake when your thinking to be at its clearest!
Start small, a minute a day, and dial the mindset work up and down as needed. And when you feel the need to hit the off switch, that’s the time to double down on taking care of your mental well-being.
https://thementalhealthplan.com/the-two-reasons-youll-stop-working-on-your-mindset-mental-health-and-why-both-of-them-are-a-mistake/
Book a Call - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Mindset Monday - How Can I Make Today Meaningful?
This week’s Mindset Monday Challenge is to spend the week seeking purpose and meaning. Normally we ask ourselves “what would make today good?” and usually we seek out pleasure or things that are immediately rewarding.
This makes sense on the surface, we want to enjoy what we’re doing with our time. The problem is if we use enjoyment as our primary guide we can find ourselves unfulfilled. Very often what will lead to fulfilment, pride and satisfaction isn’t enjoyable in the moment or immediately rewarding. They’re more rewarding long term, but you gotta put in the work and pay the price in the short term.
To help with this we’ll start with asking ourselves what’s meaningful and important. Then once we know this and the steps we should take today to accomplish this, then we can ask ourselves how to make the steps enjoyable and rewarding.
Let me know how you get on 😊
https://thementalhealthplan.com/mindset-monday-how-can-i-make-today-meaningful/
A Friendlier Way to Look at Fear & Anxiety
Here’s another way to look at fear and anxiety.
Most of the time most of us treat these emotions as something to avoid at all costs. We’ll either avoid the situations that cause them, or if they do arise we’l quickly try to abate them.
We automatically and instantly reason that fear is a sign that something is wrong. There’s a threat to our survival and we need to make both the feeling and the threat go away ASAP!
What if we took the opinion that these feelings are alerting you that you need to pay attention to new information that can benefit you, instead of something that’s threatening your ego or your survival?
Instead of “here’s an imminent threat that could kill us” the same feelings are saying “hey, this is important so we’re preparing you to focus”?
The sensations of anxiety aren’t going away as long as we’re alive. They’re our bodies natural response to anything new, or anything important. If we practice thinking of the sensations of allies we’re going to be so much better off.
https://thementalhealthplan.com/a-friendlier-way-to-look-at-fear-anxiety/
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Fully Feeling & Releasing Emotions
This practice comes from Jim Dethmer, author of Conscious Leadership.
Emotions are feelings in the body. If we don’t feel them fully they energy gets trapped, and can cause a lot of suffering for quite a long time. We either engage in a lot of numbing - food, alcohol, tv, exercise - or we constantly replay the event and the story around the emotion. Dethmer calls this drama based/thought based emotion, and it intensifies the emotion.
The first stage is to locate the sensation in the body and describe it as much as you. Ask yourself what are the bits doing in your body? Twisting, popping, bubbling, stabbing?
Step two - breathe into the emotion. Feelings alters your breathing, so if you take some gentle full deep breathes you’ll help get the flow going again.
Step three - allow, accept and appreciate the emotion. This takes work and I found this quite uncomfortable the first few times I did it! Still do at times!
Step four - match your experience with your expression. Move, breathe, vocalise the emotion. Yes, make a sound!!
Practice this next time you feel a strong emotion. Emotions only last about 90 second. Unless you repress them somehow. Then they last years!
www.thementalhealthplan.com
https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Mindset Monday - The CEO of You, Inc.
This week’s Mindset Monday Challenge is to spend some time today to pretend you’re the CEO of You, Inc.
Your job is to carve out the time to determine what’s important, what you value, and what activities will maximise your life. We’re taking all areas of your life: your happiness, your health, your wealth, your relationships, your legacy.
Then it’s important to look at your schedule and start putting these things in motion.
Much like a good CEO wouldn’t accept excuses or reasons why it can’t be done, we’re going to treat ourselves with the same firm guiding hand. As we go through the week, give yourself a motivating deadline of the weekend to report back on whether you made progress in the key areas of your life.
Now there’s no need to be harsh on yourself. You’re applying productive tension to get the best out of you, so you can be proud and satisfied of the effort you’ve put in and the progress you’ve made by this time next week.
❌ The Danger of Rushing to Fix What's Wrong ❌
When we unconsciously rush to fix things - change our living situation, our jobs, our bodies, our partners - we run a couple of risks.
The first is we may not be addressing the key issue. Have we asked ourselves why we want to change, or what the change will bring about, enough to get to the root need we’re trying to satisfy?
We all like solutions, and working on them can feel like we’re improving our lives. Without getting clear on what the need is, we can be overly focused on a strategy only to find out that our underlying need isn’t met.
Our salary is a great example here. At first we’re earning enough to survive, to satisfy our need for security. Then we reach that number and it doesn’t feel enough, so we want a higher salary, possibly trying to satisfy the need for freedom, or significance. Research has found that regardless of our current salary, our goal salary is always 150% of what we’re making!
When we understand our needs, we can chose better strategies for satisfying them. The work at the start to get clear on what our needs are and if our strategies can actually help satisfy them will save us a lot of disappointment.
Made it? (Outer Success, Inner Turmoil)
Ever feel like you’ve made it but you’re not feeling as content as you think you should?
We can be materially very successful but still feel unsatisfied, unhappy or uneasy. Our brains are funny little things. We all tend to focus on concepts that are easier to grasp, like money or titles, simply because they’re easier to grasp! It’s much more work for our brain to try figure out if we’re feeling happier or more at ease. So our brains try to conserve calories by not thinking about them.
But if we truly want to maximise our success in all areas of our lives we can’t ignore our belief systems or our mindset, particularly where we feel the most resistant to work on.
Quoting Mark Manson:
The problem with the traditional masculine formula – protection, providing, procreating – is that they require men to measure their self-worth via some external, arbitrary metric.
But there need to be new internal metrics for a man’s worth as well — his honesty, his integrity, his emotional openness and ability to remain strong in the face of vulnerability.
The external game can and should be rewarding. Denying our inner needs can mean we’re first to the finish line only to find out we’ve run the wrong race.
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Clear Expectations
Some would say that you shouldn’t have expectations, as they’d lead to disappointment. Expectations themselves aren’t inherently bad. What we need is to have clarity on what those expectations are.
If we base our expectations on events or other people, we can fall into the juvenile thinking of entitlement. We disconnect from one another as the childish parts of our brain feels entitled to the other person fulfilling our wishes, almost as if that’s their only role. We can forget they're also dealing with their own unique situations, feelings and desires.
When we set expectations of ourselves, we put ourselves in a better place if we make our expectations of effort only, not just of outcome. We can’t guarantee outcome, we really have very little control over it. But our thoughts and actions, we have much more agency.
The more we can set our expectations about effort instead of outcome, the easier it is to forgive ourselves and paradoxically the more likely we are to put in the work needed to shape the ultimate outcome.
Mindset Monday - What Would You Tell Your Best Friend?
This week’s Mindset Monday is to keep asking ourselves “What Would I Tell My Best Friend?”
This is such a powerful question because it cuts through all the excuses and BS we’re prone to telling ourselves. It takes away all the reasons why we can’t do what we should do in our own best interests.
At the same time it has powerful compassion behind it. We’re not being harsh on ourselves. We’re not berating ourselves or engaged in self flagellation. We’re being direct and kind with ourselves, taking away all the distractions and giving ourselves clear, loving direction.
Try it and let me know how you get on.
Mindset Monday - Am I blaming or taking responsibility?
Hey everyone! Our Mindset Monday challenge for this week is to stop and ask yourself “am I blaming or taking responsibility?”
We things go wrong our default reaction can be to blame somebody. It can happen before we even realise it that we’ve done it.
Blaming is an immature response, it’s your ego working hard to protect itself. It keeps us focused on the problem. And when we blame out loud it puts other people on the defensive.
When we take responsibility notice that after we get over the initial embarrassment on ‘being wrong’ we feel more in control of our future actions. And by taking responsibility we open up space for others to take responsibility for their part too.
Try it this week and let me know how it works out for you!
Residual beneficiary
The residual beneficiary is who’s left when everyone else has been taken care of. One of the biggest mistakes I see a lot of us making is that in our lives, the residual beneficiary is us!
We’ll take care of our boss’s needs, customer needs, employee needs, family needs, and then finally what’s left (if there is anything left!) we’ll maybe take care of our needs.
Your mental health is not an afterthought. It’s not something to devote some time too only when everything else is in order. The counter intuitive thing to do when there’s overwhelming demands on you is to satisfy your own needs first. When your mental health is sufficiently topped up, you’re going to be able to deliver your best.
If you were looking for permission to take some time to top yourself up, this is it. Your mental well-being is not a luxury, it’s priority number one.
Doing The Right Thing / Tough Self Love
Being compassionate towards yourself doesn’t mean that you take the easy road. In fact, there’s times when compassion can be considered tough love.
If we take the easy choice, we may avoid temporary discomfort, and we’ll replace it with long term resentment or dissatisfaction.
To build ourselves up, we ask ourselves what would be the right thing, what has the best long term payoff for everyone, and what would I be proud of doing today?
This, coupled with an understanding that it may be difficult or uncomfortable in the moment, and encouraging ourselves like we would our best friend or our child, is what leads to self satisfaction and a happy, calm mind.
Day by day, by committing to repeated small acts that you deem worthy and important, AND following through with them, we become someone we’re proud of being.
It is NOT about being tough
The first problem with the idea of toughness is when tend to think of it as a fixed trait. You either have it or you don’t. And the opposite of toughness is weakness, right? So if you’re not tough you’re weak. Which means anytime our attempts to be tough fail, and they inevitable always will with enough stress, we’re left being inadequate.
Secondly there’s little to no evidence toughness leads to a better performance or improved mental health. So we’re working hard at building a mental trait we don’t really believe to possible to build, and one that doesn’t give us the payoff we’re hoping for!
So what’s the alternative? Compassion! It seems counter intuitive but gentle encouragement combined with empathy of the struggle you’re facing will lead to a more enjoyable effort and a better outcome.
If you’ve been trying tough it out and it hasn’t worked so far, why not try a compassionate approach and see how it works for you?
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You can’t change your mind if you don’t know your mind
Taking daily quiet time is the fundamental practice of mindset change because it allows us to build awareness. We humans are the only species capable of knowing that we’re thinking and experiencing.
Most of the time we’re on autopilot, with our environment and old routines determining our habits. When we take some time each day, and it doesn’t have to be much, we can step back and see what we’re thinking, feeling, and doing with a little more objectivity.
We start with it in a formal practice like taking your mindful minute with your morning coffee. This allows us to build the skill in a deliberate fashion.
Then we’ll start to be more aware throughout the day, starting with low pressure situations and as we develop we’ll be able to stay aware and present in times of higher stress. The awareness allows us to see if our course of actions and habits of thinking are helpful or unhelpful. But before we can do that, we have to invest the time to become aware of it.
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Why I didn’t work on myself sooner
When I was younger, I didn’t work on myself because I held the believe that I was either whole and worthy, or broken and somehow wrong. This prevented me from doing the necessary work on me with a professional that would heal my mental wounds.
I didn’t see a psychologist because if I did, my ego told me I was broken and weak. So I tried to ignore any pain or negative feelings, deny them and bury them.
It was only when I realised that you can be both worthy and a work in progress that I could do any meaningful work on my mental state. That it’s not an either you’re sick or you’re healthy, but it’s a continuing process of self discovery and self improvement.
It’s possible that you, your job, your relationships, your fitness, your finances, etc etc are good AND can be improved. When we adopt this mindset we can let go of any shame associated around getting help and looking for a better way.
If you'd like to talk, schedule some time here - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
You need to know how you’re feeling
None of us would like to think we’re being controlled by someone else. We’d fight back against it and we’d be right to rebel.
This is why it’s so important to know how you’re feeling and understand your behaviours so you’re not being controlled by your past self.
Your past self did things because it was the best strategy at the time. Now, however, it may not be the best thing for you.
The first step is to give yourself enough stillness that you can begin to objectively see your behaviour. Ryan Holiday wrote a whole book on this, but you really only need a few minute long breaks throughout your day to build clarity to reflect on your behaviours.
The more you notice your actions the more you can uncover the motives behind them. When we know this we can ask if this is really the best way to get our needs met?
We want to understand ourselves and our needs so we can feel our best AND give our best. We’re going to have a much greater impact giving from a place of abundance rather than to get what you need in return or because you feel you aren’t enough.
Introspection is the best thing you can do for everyone in your life, most of all you.
I give myself permission to feel
We all engage in numbing or distracting activities some of the time. A lot of us, we do this a lot of the time.
It’s because feelings can be overwhelming, and in the past the behaviour we’re doing alleviated that feeling, or at least stopped us from feeling it for a bit.
Giving yourself permission to feel is hugely liberating. And yes, it can be a little scary (or a lot scary!) We give ourselves permission to feel when we understand that feelings are natural signals about the world, our needs and our actions. What would happen if we approached our feelings with curiosity?
We can get curious about the direct sensation of what we’re feeling - e.g. where in the body do I feel anger, happiness, shame, excitement etc.
We can also get curious about what need is generating the feeling. It’s important here to distinguish between needs and strategy. Let’s say for example we’re feeling lonely. We have a need for connection. Our strategy could be to spend time with a particular person in a particular setting. We can often get hung up on the strategy and be upset when it can’t happen. But if we step back we can look at other ways our needs can be met.
But before we get there we need to build the skill or recognising our emotions and giving ourselves permission to feel them, instead of instantly looking to satisfy or numb them.
Expecting Others to Intuit Our Feelings
One of the biggest ways we undermine our happiness is by expecting others to intuit our feelings and then being frustrated/disappointed when they don’t act in a way we hope they will.
This makes sense when we’re kids, we don’t really know our needs, or what our emotions are, so the adults in our life generally try satisfy our needs for us.
When we explain it like this we can see the trouble is we’re never really taught how to do this ourselves, and just expected to figure it out on our own. Then we grow up, expecting others to know our needs, how we feel about them, and our preferred strategy for satisfying them. The result is a whole load of anger and annoyance!
A healthier, and admittedly much harder approach, is to take full responsibility for your needs, strategies, and feelings. This takes time and effort, and doesn’t mean you have to do everything all your own. The time spent here saves us a lot of hurt as we gradually become less dependant on others to figure out what we’re feeling and what we want.
Then we’re able to communicate more clearly, enjoy healthier relationships and better peace of mind.
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A gift to your future self
A few weeks back I put out a video saying “Julia Roberts was wrong”, criticising a point a client had relayed to me from ‘Eat, Pray, Love.”
This is my apology note to Elizabeth Gilbert after listening to her on the Tim Ferriss podcast where she dropped this gem.
Very often, we avoid doing things we know our good for ourselves. Mainly because they’re not immediately fun and take some work. When Ms Gilbert is faced with one of these tasks (she names flossing as one of them) she reframes it as a gift to her future self.
Studies also show that giving and service for others can immensely boost our well-being. I never considered the ‘other’ to be your future self. This is a fantastic way to think about doing all the things we know we should do but don’t do. It has the power boost our mood in the present and making our future live better.
She also adds in that she can thank her former self for what they’ve done (like cleaning up the apartment over the weekend) and I think it’s a brilliant take on gratitude as well.
I’m going to fold both of these into my self care practice, why don’t you try it as well and let me know how it goes?
Structure For Sanity
Here’s some advice I can give you if you’re finding yourself bored, frustrated, or lacking motivation lately.
As humans we’ve some fundamental needs, and oftentimes these can be contradictory. For example we’ve a need to feel fulfilled, which we can only do if we stretch ourselves outside our comfort zone a little. But we’ve also the strong desire to conserve energy.
Creating a structure around our day gives us a sense of order, stability and security. It can help us do what we need to do in order to feel like we didn’t waste the day, and feel proud of ourselves.
But we don’t want to be so rigid that every single minute of our day is filled in, as this goes against our need for freedom and autonomy.
Create what I like to call a tentpole structure - various time slots throughout the day when you’ve schedule in the really important things: exercise, connection, and tasks that increase the quality of your life/bring you closer to your goals.
Create as many of those time slots as you need while also giving yourself as much freedom as you like. The structure allows you to feel proud of how you’ve spent while also providing you the space to enjoy your days.
If you’d like help creating your structure feel free to book a call with me. Thank you!
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How often are you saying no to life?
Whenever I find myself down, frustrated or upset I eventually notice it’s because I’m saying no to life. What do I mean by this?
For a start it means I’m meeting circumstances with fundamental aggression. I’m resisting and opposing what’s going on instead of accepting it and dealing with it. This could be getting annoyed/angry that others aren’t behaving how I want them to, feeling constricted by my schedule, or just plain wishing things were different.
I’ll repeat again that acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It doesn’t mean giving up or letting myself get dumped on. It’s redirecting my mindset towards what I can control and change - either my mentality or my actions.
And second way you can say no to life is literally by saying no to suggestions for improving. Rejecting ideas without considering or trying them because “they won’t work” or “they’re not good enough.” When I find myself closed off I make a conscious attempt to be more open to trying a new way.
Today ask yourself where you’ve been saying no to life and how you could say yes more.
Forgive and F*Off
Forgiveness is fricking hard! It goes against our sense of fairness. We resist it because it can feel unfair, like the offending party is getting away with what they did. Or by forgiving them we’re somehow condoning their behaviour.
Forgiveness though, is fo the forgiver. It’s letting go of resentment and anger that draining our energy and holding us back.
A great thing is even if you add a million qualifiers to it, it can still be hugely beneficial to your mood and mindset. “I’m open to one day, maybe, possibly, considering about thinking about the possibility of kinda forgiving you.” Add as many as you’d like!
And second strategy is what I call “Forgive & F*Off!” You can forgive them for what they’ve done, and you’re setting the boundary that they won’t be part of your life anymore because of it. You’re not holding onto any anger, and you’re also not giving them the opportunity to hurt you again. Try it, you’ll find it’s pretty freeing and empowering.
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The Complete Fix
One of the biggest things that holds us back from progress is ignoring the partial fix because we want the complete fix!
It’s human nature, we don’t want to burn unnecessary calories for what seems like a very small reward. We want our effort to have a big pay off.
The analogy I like to use with depression is that we want to completely eliminate the darkness. To get rid of every last bit of it. And we feel like we can’t do that. What we can do though is let in a little bit of light.
Sitting for one minute isn’t going to get rid of all the fuzzy thoughts in your head and give you clarity. Expressing gratitude for one little thing isn’t going to bring you total bliss.
What happens though is all these little 1%, or .1% efforts, start to compound and snowball into something. I know what it’s like to want to have it all better right now, and I also dismissed a lot of suggestions that wouldn’t totally fix things, and wasted a lot of time looking for the one thing that would fix everything.
So when you can’t fix it all right now, ask yourself what small incomplete fixes can you make?
No need to apologise for your feelings
How often have you apologised for feeling upset, anxious, moody or emotional? Reached out to a friend because you needed advice or reassurance, only to say sorry for being a burden or ranting to them? Or the old favourite, saying you know others have it worse and adding a nice layer of guilt on top of your feelings?
Your feelings are completely valid. And there is no need to apologise for having them. Your feelings are a signal that a need is or isn’t being met. When you approach your feelings like this it’s a much healthier and productive way of looking at them.
Now maybe your feelings are a result of the narrative you’ve been telling yourself or because you’ve been looking at your situation through a very selective lens. In that case changing the way you look at things can really help.
You’re also allowed to piss and moan with perspective! You can know that you’re lucky you’ve a roof over your head or access to clean water AND you can be upset because you miss your friends or have lost out on your holiday.
Your feelings are personal to you, and they’re 100% legit based on your needs and how you’re interpreting the world around you. Once we acknowledge them we can then start working on figuring out what we need. But fighting them or feeling guilty for having them isn’t helpful.
Asking For Help Doesn’t Mean You’re Weak
When your best friend, or a close family member asks for help or let’s you know they’re struggling, what’s our response? We’re glad they’ve reached out and we’re happy to help!!
The flip side is when they hide their struggle, we’re usually mad at them and say something like “why didn’t you tell me sooner!?”
We tend to view this courage and vulnerability as admirable. Someone willing to share their struggle with us is brave. Yet when it’s us we think it’s a sign of weakness.
No one would argue that courage isn’t admirable. You simply cannot have courage with vulnerability, without stepping outside your comfort zone. It’s our ego that gets in the way and tells us we should be able to figure this out on our own. That’s one route, and it’s the longer, tougher way often with a lot of dead ends. The smart and brave thing is to ask for help and feedback, and who doesn’t want to be smart and brave?
Reward Strategy or Avoidant Strategy?
Yesterday we talked about other ways apart from a formal deliberate sit to begin building your mental health practice. Where’s the line drawn though between using something as your meditation and just living your life?
For a start, we don’t meditate to get better at meditating! We meditate basically as a controlled environment to check in with our thoughts and be aware of what our brain is doing all day. The more we practice the more we’ll notice our thoughts, feelings and just how present we are throughout our day to day lives.
When we’re more present we get to enjoy our activities more and be more productive as well. We’re not thinking about work while playing with our kid, or feeling guilty about the lack of family time while midway through a work meeting.
The next question to ask is what you’re doing a reward strategy or an avoidant strategy? If chilling on Instagram or watching Netflix is your reward at the end of the day, something you enjoy and have earned (your call) then it’s beneficial. If you’re instinctively mindlessly browsing your phone or binge watching in order to avoid feelings you don’t want to feel then it’s an avoidant strategy, and not helpful.
The key is in knowing, and being honest enough with yourself to ask the question and listening to the answer. You don’t have to feel guilty if you’ve been avoiding something, because once you understand your behaviour, you’re now free to change it.
Savouring - Amplify The Awesome
If you’re someone who struggles to do a “formal” meditation practice, there’s another way to add mindfulness into your daily life. Take an activity you do repeatedly that improves your mood and clear your head, and be deliberate about savouring it as you’re doing it.
This could be cleaning, exercising, painting, listening to music, or even watching your favourite show.
Savouring is pausing to fully experience and appreciate the moment as you’re doing it. It amplifies the awesomeness. Bringing a little bit more deliberate, conscious awareness to whatever you’re doing and enjoying and appreciating it is mindfulness in its essence.
Now for bonus points, whenever you’re finished with your mood boosting activity, try take 30-60 seconds before rushing into the next thing on your to do list. Congratulations! You’ve just improved your mindset and mental well-being!
Fighting Feelings, Beating Anxiety, Conquering Depression. - Why all these expressions aren’t helpful!
Whenever we resist our feelings, we actually give them more power over us and usually end up suffering more.
Fighting feelings, beating anxiety, conquering depression - all very tough adversarial phrases that conjure up our emotions as some enemy to be beaten on the battlefield. What this implies is that if our feelings get the best of us (or even if we just feel them intensely) it’s because we’re somehow weak and unable to fight them off.
This adds an element of shame on top of our anxiety, lack of motivation or general uneasiness. Shame keeps our feelings hidden, and they grow in the dark. So we’re less likely to be vulnerable with someone we can trust, take that act of courage and admit we need help or someone to talk to.
Feelings, while often unpleasant and sometimes overwhelming, are not to be fought. Whatever you resist grows in intensity. Feelings are signals that some need isn’t being met. If we co-opt them as signals for our benefit, we’re no longer suffering from them but working with them to make our lives better.
Yes, Feelings are Scary...
A lot of people ask me “how do I stop being anxious?” It’s really because feelings are scary. When they get too intense we come up with all sorts of ways to avoid them.
Anxiety is a natural part of life, and some degree of anxiety is healthy and helpful. Problems arise when we start telling ourselves a story about the anxiety. Our brains love finding threats, and it can feel sometimes that the feeling of anxiety is life threatening.
Really, the question is how do I stop anxiety controlling me? There are practical steps you can do to avoid or reduce the triggers, but I want to address the feeling of it.
During your mindful minute or clarity break, spend time sitting with the feeling instead of avoiding it. Note the direct experience of your body sensations. Where to you feel the anxiety in the body?
Starting off you may only by able to do this for 2-5 seconds before it’s overwhelming and that’s okay. Over time you’ll get more comfortable with the sensations and realise that while not pleasant, you can work with it, and it’s not life threatening. Once something is workable, it’s no longer in control of you.
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Outdated Models
When we were kids everything was outside of our control. We relied on our parents or caretakers to make sense of the world, tell us how to behave and how to feel.
And when emotions got too intense for our little brains to handle them we came up with a mental strategy of not feeling. Which makes sense at the time because it’s just too much.
As adults, we never really update this way of looking at the world. When you ask most people, including yourself, what do they need to feel good, it usually comes down to something outside of us. “When the shutdown is lifted, THEN I’ll be okay.” “Once I get into my new house” “If only this person would behave the way I want them to.”
None of this is explicitly bad. It’s just the brain’s best way of making sense of the world. Once we’re aware of this mechanism we’re free to ask ourselves is this mental model useful now, or is it outdated?
Making our happiness and mental well being dependent on the outer world made sense when we were kids, and we had to act in line with what the outer world wanted from us. As adults this leaves us at the whims of chance and makes us powerless. The good news is bit by bit you can begin to update your mindset and make yourself the centre of your happiness.
Can Things Just Go Back To Normal?
Right now a lot of us are asking when things are going to go back to normal. It’s a normal part of the grieving process for the life we had pre-Coronavirus.
Here’s the thing - things aren’t going back to normal. Wishing for it or being angry about it won’t help bring it back either. The longer we spend lamenting the past the harder we make it on ourselves.
Accepting that things aren’t the way they were is tough, and right now might suck for you. You’re not denying that things were better if you accept things as they are now. What you are doing is putting yourself in a more useful frame of mind.
If we’re hoping things will go back to the way they were before we’re only going to be disappointed when the economy comes out of hibernation and things are different. What we can do is focus on mindset on the next phase, and how you want to shape it to maximise your productivity or happiness.
It’s Okay to Be Tired
It’s okay to be tired, it’s okay to be anxious, it’s okay to be stressed.
None of these things mean you’re in any way weak, a poor leader or a bad parent. They’re simply signals that your needs aren’t being met or the demands exceed your CURRENT capacity, and you need a rest or a change.
No one thinks taking a rest day after some intense exercise is crazy, or getting a good night’s sleep means you’re pathetic for not being able to stay awake twenty four seven!
Naming your emotions doesn’t give them power. In fact all the science says the opposite. By naming them we’re able to process them.
And asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of strength. No one says that self awareness is a weakness, and asking for help shows the self awareness and presence of mind that this would be better if you involved someone else.
It seems scary to acknowledge you’re struggling and need a helping hand, but all the reward is on the other side of sharing that vulnerability. You wouldn’t want your best friend to go through anything alone, so give yourself the gift of asking for help in the areas you need.
It’s Okay To Think
I remember when I started my meditation practice I used to get annoyed at myself if I couldn’t keep my focus on my breath. I wanted to be a good meditator, and to me that meant being able to stay focused on my breath for however long the meditation was.
Putting aside my unhealthy need to be a perfect meditator and not giving myself the grace to be a beginner, it eventually was explained to me that thinking and getting distracted were part of the meditation.
In fact, the most important moment was when you noticed you were thinking and returned your attention to the breath. Noticing your thoughts meant you were aware of your thoughts, so “failing” actually meant winning in meditation. Counting the breaths is a nice way to build your power of focus, but there’s no scoreboard in meditation.
More often than not now, when I take my mindful minute I don’t count my breaths, but instead step back and notice my thoughts. It’s okay to think. It’s okay if you’ve a million thoughts one day, one repetitive thought the next, and none the day after. Remembering this leads to a much more enjoyable meditative experience.
Look At A Horizon
Here’s a simple, practical tip that will help bring more calm into your life. And that’s to spend some time each day looking at a horizon.
When we’re stressed, we hyper focus on one point. It’s helpful to be able to focus a task when we absolutely need to, and it had an evolutionary advantage. But in modern life we spend an excessive amount of time focusing on something. Right now we’re looking on a relatively small screen watching/reading this.
So if our vision focuses when we’re stressed, to promote calm we can broaden our vision and look at a landscape or horizon. By looking at a horizon, or out onto the water, our brains reason that we’re safe. If there was any threats or predators we’d see them coming.
This is especially powerful in the evening, and it’s why looking at sunsets are so relaxing for us. If you do one thing this evening, look out at a horizon or just as far as you can, knowing that you’re helping your brain and body relax.
Under & Over Functioning
Under Functioning and Over Functioning are two ways we can respond to anxiety.
Over Functioning Anxiety is the person who kicks into action when stressed or anxious. They take control, make lists, and start doing.
This isn’t a problem as long as it’s not an avoidant strategy, whereby you’re distracting yourself from feeling or you’re so caught up in action you’re like a headless chicken and causing more harm than if you took some time to be still and plan.
Under Functioning is when we slow down or hide. The stimuli get too overwhelming and so we look to retreat so we can gather ourselves and work out a plan. Over Functioning is regarding higher in society than Under Functioning, as we value action over inaction. But in the same way it’s only a problem if it’s an unhealthy avoidant strategy.
Trying to avoid feeling is unhealthy for us. Knowing what are natural responses to anxiety and stress are important as then we can consciously chose whether we need to act right now or whether it’s best to pause and plan.
An interview I did with Jeff Jucha for "Fitness in Little Rock"
🤯Why The Coronavirus Quarantines are Messing with our Habits and Mental Health
🤦🏻♂️Two Big Mistakes People Make When Building New Habits
🙏🏻How to Make Gratitude & Abundance Mindset Thinking Work
😇Practical Steps You Can Do Today To Feel Better
Acceptance and Improvement
The most common objection I get to the idea of accepting things as they are is that if we accept everything as is, won’t we stop improving?
Acceptance and improvement are not either/or, they’re both/and. You can accept things as they are while wanting them to improve. You can accept yourself while also improving yourself.
Acceptance is the first step to treating life, and yourself, with fundamental kindness rather than fundamental aggression. Which in itself improves your mental health.
Acceptance also gives you a more accurate view of the world, rather than the narrative of what you think should be happening. This makes it easier to improve.
When you understand that you can accept things and yourself while simultaneously working out improve, you’ll find yourself a lot freer.
Removing Blame
Blame feels really good in the moment. It feels empowering. It’s nice to have something or someone to point the finger at and say “it’s all your fault”.
But because blame removes us of responsibility it also makes us the victim, and being the victim means we’re powerless. So while it might feel good for a little while, blame is empty calories for the mind.
When we blame, we’re saying our circumstances aren’t our fault. It’s a defence mechanism of the more child like parts of our brain. Blame is in the past, it’s focused on what has happened to get us to this point. The problem is that it invades the present and the future. We can convince ourselves that because it’s not our fault we’re in this situation, it’s not our responsibility to accept what’s going on now and work to improve our future.
Yep, blame feels good. It’s easy to do. The easy thing to do is not going to improve our lives though. The harder thing to do is to accept circumstances and responsibility for doing what you are empowered to do.
You may not succeed first time, or even at all, but by taking on responsibility and acting accordingly you’ve replaced powerlessness with self-pride.
Your Choice Has Been Taken Away
One reason why this situation is so hard for us is that a lot of our choices have been taken away from us.
Introverts, extroverts and ambiverts in general life all get to decide how much human contact they have and where to spend their time.
Now, very suddenly, that’s been taken away from us. So not only has our need for connection been hampered but our need for autonomy/freedom has as well.
My ask today is that you understand it’s normal if you’re not feeling so good, or get frustrated, upset, anxious, or depressed because of this. Very real human needs aren’t being met.
Understanding this allows you to grieve the loss of freedoms, which ultimately (not immediately) allows you to focus on the choices you do have. To quote Victor Franklin - “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
It’s okay to feel this
I don’t have a mental trick or mindset hack today. Instead I want to let you know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to feel this.
If you’re sad, angry, frustrated, disheartened, it’s okay. And by the same token if you’re happy you have a break from work, or peaceful because you’re at home, that’s okay too.
Feelings are a signal, that’s all. And having them doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. They’re just telling you something.
For “negative” feelings they’re generally telling you that you have an unmet need. We have a need for connection to other people, a need for purpose, and a need for a secure future. All these things are disrupted right now, so whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay to feel this.
This Is A Buffer, Not A Quick Fix
A daily mental well-being or mindset practice builds up your reserves, much in the same way that eating healthy builds up your immune system’s capability, or saving gives you a buffer against unplanned economic hits.
I’m deliberately using those two examples because they relate to the situation we all find ourselves in right now.
Mindfulness practice, expressing gratitude, building awareness and self compassion all help you deal with the unexpected pressures life can throw at you. And they need to be built up in the same way our immune system and finances are, one almost imperceptible piece at a time.
Does that mean starting a mental health plan now is no use? Absolutely not. Even one minute not being overwhelmed by stress and worry is worth it. In the first day you might go straight back to anxiety right after you’re done. But the more you do the more you’ll find yourself more comfortable with uncertainty and not swept along by anxiety or worry.
Even if you have never practiced any of this before, start now. Not with the expectation that it will fix everything, but with the expectation that it will compound and give you more mental strength each day.
SLOW DOWN PLEASE!!!
I’ve seen a lot of people this week post that they’ve never been busier and they’re working well past midnight and have stopped taking care of themselves.
I bet it feels like if you don’t do everything right now you’ll lose it all, right? And that things are changing so much and you’ve lost your routine and there’s new information daily that you have to act now!
We’re all sprinting but this is a marathon!!
PLEASE! Slow down and take care of yourself!! When you’re sleep deprived, surviving off vending machine snacks, and neglecting your down time, your decision making is seriously impaired! And you’re going to make mistakes that will cost you more than you save by rushing into something straight away.
Nassim Taleb talks a lot about the need for intervention, when letting things work themselves out is better. Ryan Holiday loves to quote that “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
Slow down, take time to recharge yourself in whatever form is best for you. We’re in this for the long haul so don’t make yourself an after thought while trying to fix everything. You at your best will have a lot more positive impact than you in a fatigued and harried state.
After This Is Over
I think it’s fair to say we’ve all spent a lot of time lately wondering what the future will be like. And our brains just love thinking about the future and imagining all the threats that exist there.
Wondering what you’ll lose in the coming months is easy, your brain needs no help in doing that. So I’d like to give you a tool to change your mindset and your daily habits.
Ask yourself “After this is over, what would I proud of myself for doing during this time?”
Imagine yourself in a few months, or next year, looking back at this time and thinking of how you handled your emotions, who you helped, and how you grew as a person.
Every time you find yourself stuck in a worry loop, ask this question and use it to direct your actions and I promise you’ll feel better.
Your Home Environment & Your Mental Health
Normally I only talk to people about their environment in respect to their mental health when they’ve developed a ritual but since so many of us are forced into spending time at home I think it’s important to give some tips of how your environment impacts your mental health.
If you’re working from home the best advice I can give you is to use your breaks between tasks or meeting to clean up a bit. Decluttering your space does actually help declutter your mind.
You don’t need to do a full deep clean, but you can certainly fold one item of clothing, or bring your coffee cup back to the kitchen. Little things add up and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself the more you clean up.
Improving your environment is very empowering, and cleaning up is the most accessible way we have to proving to ourselves we can reshape our world.
Secondly I’d advice that you change into work clothes at the start of the day and out of them at the end of the day. Staying in your PJs doesn’t help you feel productive and valuable, but switching back to comfy clothes allows a clear mental division so work doesn’t eat into your necessary rest and relaxation time.
These are two simple and powerful practical ways you can improve your mental state at home.
You can protect yourself and be socially conscious too
You may feel right now like you have to chose between looking after yourself or fulfilling your obligations to other people.
Confirmed cases are on the rise and the economy is contracting, so it’s natural to be anxious. The instinctual thing to do is to grab what you can and hoard to protect yourself.
When we act out of fear or scarcity we almost always end up hurting ourselves, either in the short run or the long run.
The best mindset to have is one in which you look for everyone to make the most out of the situation - either by minimising loses or maximising gains. There is no need to martyr yourself nor is there a need for someone to lose for you to win.
Yesterday I drastically reduced my work time and number of messages I read/replied to as I felt the overwhelm come on. This small slowdown allows me to be calm for others and help more people today than if I kept on ploughing away.
I’m a huge advocate of making sure your internal needs are met and I still believe that the case. Approaching the coming week with the mindset of “we” brings you a sense of togetherness and support, rather than the opposite, which leaves us feeling divided, antagonistic and isolated.
You can absolutely protect yourself and be socially conscious/responsible at the same time. Fear is contagious, but so is calm. And you get to chose what emotions you spread and what emotions you let into your mind.
What’s the Most Good I Can Do Right Now?
When and if you find yourself stuck - either physically or inside your mind - a simple yet very powerful question you can ask yourself is “What’s the most good I can do right now?”
This works so well because it gets your focus away from ruminating about problems or lamenting your predicament and into solution/action mode.
The most good may be “self centred” like taking a break, tending to your basic needs like feeding yourself or taking a nap. It could be improving your environment - either cleaning up the area around you (which has shown time and time again to have positive health benefits). Or it could be a much larger project.
If you find yourself unable to do the thing you most want to do now, asking the question brings you back to positive action.
While you’re engaged in positive action (positive action as defined by your standards) your mind isn’t worrying and your self critic is silenced. Add enough of these actions up and your day has become something you’re proud of, and you feel proud of yourself too.
So right now, what’ the most good you can do?
A perfect time to practice loving kindness
A lot of people may be panicking right now. You may feel it’s an overreacting or you may agree with them. For most of us it’s a very uncertain time. There’s a lot of information to absorb, rumours of what’s to come, and then fears about what this will mean for your day to to day life in the short term, not to mention the health and economic challenges.
This all highlights how high the level of anxiety there is in day to day life, and how fragile our sense of security is for a lot of us.
Loving-Kindness is the practice of wishing people well. It’s the desire to see people safe, healthy and happy. Loving-Kindness can be applied to yourself as much as others.
In practical terms we can reassure people who are frightened and anxious, providing them with empathy to their emotions and if possible action steps they can do to regain a sense of control.
We can also use this opportunity to help others, provided we aren’t putting ourselves at risk. That can be as simple as a check in text or collecting groceries for someone who can’t leave the house.
The benefit to you of course is increased peace of mind and sense of connection, with less energy spent worrying and more spent making your little corner of the world better.
Coronavirus, Containment & Compassion
I am not an epidemiologist or pathologist, so this post isn’t about how to stop the spread of Covid-19 or about washing your hands 🤲🏼
A lot of organisations are recommending soft quarantine or social isolation to break the chain and flatten out the peak of the contagion.
If you’re in any way driven this can be frustrating as it slows down your goals - either personal or business.
So where does compassion come into play? Simply put the more energy you’re wasting being frustrated with situations, expressing resentment or complaining, it’s energy that could be used better.
Self Compassion involves asking yourself what’s the most good you can do for yourself given your circumstances? If you’re at home can you catch up on sleep, prioritise what work is really important as opposed to busy work, improve your environment by doing a deep clean and of course investing the time becoming aware of and friendly with your thoughts.
Meditation is Your Best To Do List
We all have so many demands on our time, our energy, and our attention. And everything is going to come at you like it’s life or death, super urgent and priority #1!
This is why taking a minute is so important. When we get into the habit of taking a minute or two free from inputs, we can let our brain sort everything and the most important action/need for you will come to the forefront.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten to do something important, but not urgent, only to remember during my Clarity Break. Then I do it and I know I’ve taken positive action instead of just reacting to the demands of life.
Think of your minute as mental sorting, allowing the unimportant issues to fade away while the really valuable information or actions to go to the top of your to do list.
Julia Roberts was wrong!
I was talking with a client the other day and they told me why they didn’t meditate, or felt they couldn’t meditate, and it was because of Julia Roberts!
In “Eat, Pray, Love” - a movie admittedly I’ve never seen - Julia’s character goes off to India and is told that she just needs to empty her heard of all thoughts. And honestly, who can do that!!??
Meditation, mindfulness, clarity breaks, whatever you want to call it. They are not ways of shutting off our thoughts. Instead they’re moments where we take the time to observe our thoughts, feelings, needs, or body sensations - which are always present. We’re deliberately, consciously checking in with ourselves.
From there, we can see that our thoughts are just that, thoughts, and we then have the power to decide how to act on them.
And while we’re here, her career choice in Pretty Woman is also not recommended 🤪
Indirect versus direct work
I don’t think there’s anyone around who would disagree that mental health is important. But because you were never taught how to look after your mental health, most of us don’t really know how to address it, so we go about taking care of our minds through what I’ll call indirect work.
Indirect work is exercising, spending time in nature or among friends. It is most definitely important and part of a complete mental health routine. Spending your time in positive, productive ways is a key component, super important.
There’s also avoidant indirect work we use not to feel bad in the short term. This can be alcohol, drugs, Netflix, social media, or anything “positive” that’s done to the detriment of something more important in your life.
Indirect work is one side of the equation. To compliment it we also need direct work. Activities that the primary purpose is to improve our quality of thoughts, awareness of our feelings and body sensations, and increase our kindness towards ourselves and others.
The great thing about direct work is done correctly really doesn’t take much time at all. In fact a couple of minutes a day done consistently reaps huge benefits. So make sure it’s part of your daily activities.
Mental sorbet
Sometimes, you need to just veg out. And social media is perfect for this. At the end of the day, or sometimes in the middle of the day, your brain is a little fried and a minute or two of mindless scrolling is like a mental sorbet. It cleanses the pallet, gets you out of the thinking about what’s just gone or what has to happen.
BUT… sorbets aren’t very nutritious. And mental sorbets don’t help us build up our peace of mind and optimism. Taking a minute to sit with your thoughts, feelings and body sensations mightn’t be as appealing as watching Netflix or checking the gram. It’s work, and your brain is already full and fuzzy and tired.
The thing is the minute deliberate work saves you possibly hours of needing to switch off or veg out. And the minutes compound. Minutes of switching off build a habit of avoidance and numbing. Minutes of checking in with yourself build clarity and acceptance.
My advice to you: dial down the minutes switching off and gradually dial up the minutes tuning in. You’ll feel a lot better over time because of it.
How does working with me work?
I’ve had a number of people ask how does Mental Health Coaching work. So this short video will explain it.
The first thing we do is get on a call to see if I’m right for you at your stage of your journey. We’ll figure out what does good mental health and peace of mind look like for you. Then I’ll go through the Mental Health Continuum and the habits of good mental health.
Over the next few weeks (or months, however long is right for you) we’ll do coaching calls and regular check ins as you build positive mental health habits into your daily life. We’ll set goals, answer any questions that come up, and give you the reassurance you need as you build a happier mind.
If this sounds interesting to you, or you’d like to know more, just book a Free Consultation with me. Thanks!
Why I want Help People With Their Mental Health
There’s a lot in this world that’s not serving anyone, or not serving the greater good. So why spend time improving what’s going on inside your head, when there’s so much we need to improve out in the real world.
Because if you feel secure, fulfilled, happy, content, what are you going to do? You’re going to look at the people in your life and see what they need to feel the same, and help them achieve their goals.
When you’re scared, lonely, afraid, we’re not thinking of others. When we’re stressed and unhappy, we can’t really look after the needs of anyone else because our needs aren’t met.
I believe we haven’t been taught how to build our own sense of security and fulfilment. It can be done, and if I can help people with what I’ve gone through and learnt, we can really make an impact on the world.
🤔 What happens if you don’t take your minute? 🤔
First of all let me reassure you that by not taking a minute nothing terrible is going to happen straight away. But in the same way nothing terrible is going to happen if don’t put anything into your retirement account, skip a workout, or eat a 5000 calorie meal. The cost of bad habits or inaction is accumulative and we don’t see the effects until some point way down the road.
What taking a minute really does for you is allow you to process what’s going on and release tension.
If we don’t process things or release tension, that doesn’t just go away. Either our body holds onto it or we inadvertently release it onto someone else. So saying you don’t want to deal with it doesn’t really work. You ARE dealing with it. The question is, do you want to deal with it head on, when you’re in control, in a healthy way, or do you want to let it act as a drag on your happiness or advancement?
The effects of not taking time to build your mental health generally aren’t immediate, but they are there. The good news is the effects of repeatedly taking time for yourself doesn’t just accumulate, it compounds into better thoughts, actions, and feelings.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
Types of Mindful Minutes You Can Take
So you’ve decided you’ll try taking a minute. Which, if you’ve an aversion to the words mindfulness or meditation because they’re too hippie-ish, we’ll call Clarity Breaks. What do you do in that minute, or more accurately, what’s the outcome?
The most common and best serving thing you can do for your long term health is just observe. The more frequently we observe the more we can see what we’re doing on autopilot, and then we can direct our actions better. The better we get at deliberately doing this during our formal minute, the more likely we’ll start doing this habitually throughout the day.
The second option is to use your minute as a reset. We’ve all busy lives and we can still be thinking about one moment or experience well into the next. By the end of the day we feel like we were busy but it’s all a blur. A quick minute allows us to temporarily let go of what’s just happened and be present for whoever we’re with or whatever we’re doing right now.
Finally, you can use the minute to help satisfy your needs. Ask yourself what do you need, or what do you need to do? Then you can listen to the answer and give yourself the same reassurance you’d give a friend, family member or coworker.
Let me know which type of minute works best for you.
The Story of The One Minute Clarity Break
When I started my first guided meditation it asked me to count my breath for ten minutes. So I had to set aside some time before and after the ten minutes to help get in the mindset and to make sure I wasn’t under time pressure to rush off straight away.
Guided meditations are a great tool, but they come with limitations. For a start if you’re listening to someone you’re not listening to your thoughts, and the reminders can actually break your state at times.
The common advice in any sort of mediation or mindfulness practice is to go longer. The issue is that even 5 minutes can be too much to start. You’ll lose focus and get distracted and that can really feel like a failure. Imagine if your first attempt at relieving your nerves actually left you more anxious and irritated!!??
So I thought “What if I did the opposite?”
Instead of going longer I’d go shorter. And by going shorter I got just as much, if not more benefit. It was like I was forced to be present because if I wasn’t the opportunity would be gone.
When I started encouraging people to take time for themselves one of the biggest reasons for not doing it was a lack of time. BUT we can all spare just 60 seconds. So it served as a double win. A quick reset that doesn’t take away your biggest resource - time.
How to use Social Media to Make Yourself Feel Better.
It doesn’t take much to boost your own mental health. In fact everything I help people with is all about the minimum effective dose. What will take the least amount of time and energy and give us the best return.
Since you’re most likely watching this on Instagram or Facebook we can apply some Sympathetic Joy right now. Sympathetic Joy is deliberately feeling happy for someone for their accomplishments or good fortune.
Our fear based, scarcity thinking brains can look at another’s gains as unfair, undeserved, or a threat to us. “If they have something there’s less for me.” We can short circuit this by actively wishing them well instead of letting our primal responses take over. This will improve our mood, thinking, and overall health.
After you’ve finished watching (and liking!) this post, scroll and find three people who you can be happy for. Once that’s done you can close your feed and know that you’ve used social media for something positive. The more you do this the better you’ll feel each time you’re on Facebook or Instagram!
I heard this quote from Shane Parish of Farnam Street and thought it was so applicable to your own mental health.
Actually, there’s a lot of things that could fall into this category. It’s not your fault someone ran into the back of your car but it’s your responsibility to get it fixed and take care of the insurance. It’s not your fault the airline lost your luggage but it’s your responsibility to get some fresh clothes for the morning.
What’s so great about it is it removes blame. And blame is often the thing that holds us back. Now that we’ve gotten blame out of the way we can start working on making things better.
It’s not your fault you’ve never been taught how to take care of your mental health. But it is your responsibility to learn now and start implementing. Just because it’s your responsibility doesn’t mean you have to figure out everything from scratch. By taking responsibility and ownership you can seek out best practices and start applying them to you.
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The “I should be able to fix this on my own” Narrative
Telling yourself that you should be able to fix everything on your own is not a helpful story. It keeps you isolated and stuck.
There’s plenty of things that you don’t know about and have no problem asking for external help. Fixing your washing machine, servicing your car, maybe doing your taxes or writing a cover letter.
But when it comes to how we relate to ourselves, how we can make ourselves happier, less stressed and more proud of who we are, for some reason we don’t seek outside help, or think it’s a form of weakness.
It’s an act of courage to seek help. You’re not outsourcing ownership or expecting someone else to fix all your problems. You’re seeking insight, guidance, wisdom. No one can argue that insight, guidance, or wisdom aren’t admirable.
You don’t have to figure all this stuff out on your own.
You hear it a lot in all spheres that someone has tried it and it didn’t work for them, so they give up and dismiss the whole thing as unhelpful.
“Failure” does not preclude you from trying again.
If meditation first thing in the morning doesn’t work for you, maybe try in the evening? If counting the breath felt like it added to your anxiety, try body scans or open awareness? If apps aren’t your thing, maybe classes or unguided timers are?
To take an even bigger step back, let’s ask is the failure a result of not defining what success was? Did we expect one attempt to take away all our problems, or have us go from 1-10 instantaneously? Were we impatient with the results and expected too much too soon? I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past!
I’d like to challenge you to look at something you failed at in the past and try a different approach again, rather than putting it in the “that didn’t work for me” pile. As John Wooden said, “Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It’s the courage that counts.”
So let’s try again. If you don't know how, let's chat: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
Myth: Only weak people need to work on themselves
The best athletes in the world go to physios, and continue to work on their strength, conditioning and sport specific skills. Top level CEOs get business coaching and research trends in their market/industry.
But there’s the destructive belief out there that only weak/broken people need to work on themselves, heal past traumas, and improve their mental modes of thinking.
This myth holds us all back. Firstly, you’re not broken if you have a patten of thinking that is no longer helpful or you have a need that is unmet. Secondly, getting outside assistance to help you over your blind spots and stumbling blocks is admirable.
Without taking quiet time for yourself you may not even know you have these unmet needs. Everything starts with pausing to look at what’s going on, and then you can decide what you’d like to work on. And we all have blind spots that others can point out for us, and help us improve.
More people than you know have worked with counsellors, psychologists, and mental performance coaches. It is not weakness to want or need to work on yourself. In fact it’s the complete opposite.
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Self acceptance isn’t complacency
Self acceptance isn’t an excuse for not working on maximising your life and your potential. In fact it’s quite the opposite.
When I left therapy after emergency suicide counselling, I found it hard to reconcile that I still needed to do work on myself even though I was no longer “code red”. I had to work on accepting that I wasn’t either broken and needed to fix myself or that was all okay and could go about my life.
Accepting where you are, a perfectly imperfect being who is working on improving themselves while at the same time being worthy and valuable as you are, is empowering.
The opposite is either blind denial of the areas you’d like to improve, or self loathing because you’re “flawed”, and therefore inadequate.
Acceptance isn’t resignation to the fact that’s just who you are (and others have to deal with it!). It’s understanding all the parts that make up you and then consciously deciding which dials to turn up, turn down, or leave as they are.
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When I was going through the shit in my life, I didn’t mind myself, and that meant I suffered twice. I suffered from the external issues that needed to be dealt with, and then I suffered because I neglected my own needs. Which meant I’d less resources to deal with any problems because I was running fumes.
It’s very common I see and hear when people are under pressure and in a stressful situation the first thing they ignore is themselves. We sleep a little less, we start to eat worse, and stretch ourselves too thin to ensure things don’t fall apart.
It’s admirable and it’s coming from a good place. I mean it can feel really selfish and self indulgent to want some time for yourself while there’s fires to be put out.
Fire chiefs know, however, that a fatigued fire fighter will make worse decisions than a well rested one.
In times of stress is even more important to make sure your own needs are met so you can be at your best for others. It doesn’t take much time to ask yourself what do you need. This is why I’m such a big fan of the sixty second break. It super quick BUT can give you enough breathing room to save hours of wasted time from a harried decision.
Sometimes in life it’s necessary to operate in survival mode. It’s what your brain evolved in. Always looking for the next meal, worried about surviving the winter or if that rustling in the bushes meant a bear was about to attack you.
Modern life it’s more like starting a business or a career - every sale is vital and every unexpected bill can shut you down. Or we’ve got to overcome some family trauma, get through a painful break up, etc etc. There’s plenty of opportunities for your brain to think something is a threat and put you in survival mode to protect you.
But here’s the thing? While your brain is quick to put you in survival mode, it’s not as quick to deactivate the alarms. Days, weeks, even years later it’s still scanning for the threat, and patterns that helped you back then are repeating themselves now. The problem is these patterns aren’t serving you. It’s like driving with the handbrake still on.
Awareness of your habitual thoughts and actions are the first step towards retraining your mind to more helpful modes of thinking, feeling and behaving.
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A friend of mine put a post up online talking about how he struggles. It wasn’t a poor me attention grabbing post, he was trying to remind people that struggling was universal. If you’re human, you’re going to struggle.
Struggle, work, effort, striving, (whatever word resonates with you) isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, we need it. Out heart gets healthier when we put it through the strain of a workout. Our relationships get better when we go through a tough and honest conversation. Our brains get smarter when we struggle through a math problem.
We need to struggle. But we don’t need to suffer. Embracing the former helps eliminate the latter.
If your struggling has turned into suffering, know that you don’t need to suffer. You may need to feel things deeply, but that doesn’t have to be suffering. And you certainly don’t need to suffer alone.
I’ve talk about compassion and self care a lot. One of the biggest acts of self care is to ask for help. If you’re suffering, ask for help. It won’t take away the need to keep working, but it absolutely can take away the needless suffering.
As Ram Das once said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” Don’t walk, or suffer, alone.
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Reliance on Someone Versus Minding Yourself?
I went to a counsellor once when I was in a very bad place mentally. My world was shook and people I thought were on my side really weren’t!
I asked them how often a week I should visit and they told me that any more than once a week and I wouldn’t heal. I’d just hope they’d fix everything for me, not develop any mental strength, and that I needed to mind myself during the week.
All of this was correct, but I never asked what taking care of my mental health and minding myself looked like.
So I stumbled my way through figuring out what that meant. What comprised a daily self care ritual. What felt like a chore and just another thing to do on my already overwhelmed and burnt out mind, and what invigorated me and gave me energy.
A lot of trial and error went into the daily foundational practices I now talk about. Daily tasks that build you up is what minding yourself is all about.
If you’re unsure what you need to do to take care of yourself, reach out and I’ll be happy to guide you through a daily practice that works for you.
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There’s a very pervasive myth in today’s society that you achieve by being constantly pushing yourself to be better, and that being nice to yourself won’t get you anywhere. Fear and anger can be powerful motivators and have worked for some.
BUT if you’re angry, aggressive or demeaning to yourself, it’s going to come out towards other people!!! How you treat yourself will be reflected in the world around you in some form or another.
A healthier alternative is use compassion to help drive action and achievement.
Compassion at the heart of it is treating yourself the way you would your best friend who’d asked you to make them become the best version of themselves. You’d see their potential, help them get clear on what they need to do, and then encourage them as they started taking action out of their comfort zone.
If they messed up, or didn’t get everything done in a day, you’d help them figure out what they needed to do differently, and create a new plan for tomorrow. You wouldn’t beat them up over it.
These three elements - clear expectations, reassurance, and forgiveness - are at the heart of compassion for high achievers.
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If someone asked you what you do daily to take care of yourself what would you answer?
Maybe you’re doing a lot of good - you’re working out, you’re studying trends in your industry, you’re eating well, scheduling date nights. All these things can positively impact your mood, thoughts, and mental health. But what action are you taking for your mental and emotional health directly, and not just a side effect or nice extra?
According to Michael Gervais there’s mastery of craft and mastery of self, and one without the other means you’ll never hit your full potential.
Added to this, we cannot use external fixes for internal issues. All the good you do won’t impact your state of mind if you’re putting up barriers to them, not acknowledging what’s going well, or dismissing the positive to focus purely on your problems.
Investing even a small proportion of your day towards building mental health, like over your morning cup or coffee or brushing your teeth in the evenings, can really permeate the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself to start investing in your mind directly.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Valley of Complexity to The Peak of Simplicity
Full credit to Todd Herman for teaching me this.
Everyone when starting something new wants the simple solution, the easy thing, or the quick fix. They want the one answer. What’s the one thing I need to do for my business, family, relationships, money, muscle growth, fat loss, etc.
And usually there is one action that’s the most important. Experts know what this is because they’ve gone through what we’ll call the valley of complexity - wading through all the information out there and trying out different strategies and solutions.
But here’s the thing - if you try to go to the simple solution without understanding context you’re not going to know how and when to apply it. No results at best, or you may end up doing more harm than good.
So a good coach or mentor will guide you through the valley of complexity, leading and reassuring you through the steps, along the way.
Don’t look for the simple solution, look for the guide who’s gone through what you’re going through and ask them to lead you.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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The First Time I Took Time for Myself…
I started trying to taking care of myself at a very stressful time, which isn’t the ideal time to start. But often we wait until a health scare to start exercising or a serious expense to start managing our money.
The first time I meditated I went straight back to anxiety. What I didn’t realise and no one had thought me was that it was a moment of quiet from the chaos and pressure. It wasn’t going to eliminate all the panic then and there.
What it does is give me a moment. Sometimes this can be the catalyst and other times it’s just a needed respite from being constantly on the go.
A lot of the time our urgent thoughts will bleed into our quiet time. Noticing this is enough of a benefit to taking them as you have the power to step back and see if it’s something you need to respond to. A lot of the time I get a flash of what I need to do and go right to action. It’s more proactive, deliberate and assured though.
These minutes of deliberate time begin to bleed out into the rest of your life, and ultimately allow you to ride the wave of life’s ups and downs, instead of getting buried beneath them.
The advice to you is:
- Don’t wait until you need your mental health to start working on it
- Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting a quick fix.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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A friend and client confided in me that he was completely anxious all the time. This guy was crushing it on the outside. His business had record profits for the year, his kids were healthy and his wife was happy.
But he was so worried about losing it all or messing it up. He was struggling over which direction to focus on next year and felt on the verge of panic attacks when he thought of getting on the plane for an upcoming family trip.
He was always on the go, so we found a time that worked for him when he wasn’t “on” for someone else. In the two minutes between dropping the kids to school and getting to work he was to take 60 seconds just for himself.
Having someone to listen definitely helped initially, but the minute pause before work and before going into the house in the evening made a huge difference. His anxiety subsided, and he now had time to process the ups and downs of life instead of having it wear him down. And on top of all this he was able to enjoy the family holiday too!
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Brushing Your Teeth. Visiting the dentist.
Maintaining and building your mental health is a daily practice. Like brushing your teeth and flossing. You might need to go to the dentist every couple of months but unless you’re investing a few minutes daily those trips to the dentist won’t make lasting change.
And much like brushing your teeth, skipping a day or two won’t have a massive impact. But keep that up and see where it leads.
So how do we do it? Well it might be hard to remember but someone once taught you to brush your teeth. No one has thought you how to mentally floss though! This is where having a mental coach or a psychologist helps.
A good psychologist can help clear up years of unhelpful thought patterns. A good coach can help you develop a routine that works for you and ensures that your clarity, compassion, positive action and life satisfaction are increasing every day.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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Why people don’t like the first time they sit quietly
The first time you try meditate, you’ll very quickly come aware of how many thoughts, feelings and body sensations you have! And frankly, it’s overwhelming. It’s like opening up a bottle of coke that’s been shaken or some sort of pressurised container that’s going to spray everywhere!
That’s unsettling, so we put the cap back on and back away slowly from it.
But here’s the thing. That pressure and all those stories going on in our head are happening regardless of whether we watch them or not. And they’re leaking out in other ways too. Either in our physical health, our daily habits and how we’re interacting with people.
So knowing that, isn’t it better that we release all that and allow it to flow when we have control of the valve? I’d very much argue yes!
The good thing is that overwhelming flow is temporary, and once you get past it the stream is not longer as rapid, forceful and distressing, but can actually be quite pleasant to notice.
You just need to start with releasing the valve a little bit each day, or when you remember.
www.thementalhealthplan.com
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The two reasons you’ll hear this or say it yourself are:
- Poor expectations of the process
- Poor expectations of the results
Let’s start with the results. James Clear talks about the valley of disappointment, it’s that time in between when you start taking action and start seeing results. If we want to be calmer and more purposeful all the time, we start by being calmer and more purposeful SOME of the time. In the deliberate minutes we take just to be. Not doing anything.
Also if we expect just one thing to fix everything that’s also a recipe for frustration and disappointment. Dan Harris likes to joke that mindfulness makes him about 10% happier.
Saying meditation doesn’t work for you is like saying exercise doesn’t work, or jobs, relationships, hobbies, and sports aren’t for you. There’s many different variations and so it’s important you explore which one works for you.
As long as it’s a conscious, deliberate effort to improve the quality of your thoughts and feelings it’s a practice that works for you. To really boost its effectiveness take the extra couple of seconds at the end of acknowledge you’ve done something good for yourself. This in itself is effort which pays off for you in so many ways.
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