Uncommon Self Esteem Tips: Recent Episodes
Mark Tyrrell
Each quick episode contains a single self esteem boosting tip that you can put into use right away. Developed by Mark Tyrrell of Uncommon Knowledge, every tip is based on cutting edge psychology and designed to make a difference to how you feel, not just how you think.
Really emotionally secure people don't assume things have to go well. Neither do they assume that something is bound to be 'a disaster' So what's their secret?
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Here's a thought I think you'll find helpful. You don't have to think about believing in yourself when you do believe in yourself and you don't have to try to be positive when you are positive.
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Ever heard of the 'Bannister Effect'? Before 6 May 1954, it was thought 'impossible' to run a mile under four minutes...
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Does someone keep criticising you? Relentless criticism wears you down and if you've been prone to low self esteem then you may have found yourself internally agreeing with the critic.
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Never give up! Determination and perseverance make for more successful and ultimately happier lives.
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Have you ever felt you didn't 'deserve' success? You didn't feel able to 'push yourself forward' in life?
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"If you don't make mistakes you don't make anything"
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Here's a question: What does 'success' mean to you? If it fits with what other people assume is 'successful' then that's fine..but maybe it doesn't and that needs to be fine too...
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Low self esteem cons you into feeling like you are 'a failure'. But to be 'a success' we need to get beyond simplistic notions of 'success' or 'failure'.
Why?
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Do you sometimes fear failure too much to even try things? Fear of failure is closely linked to fear of rejection and the dread of being thought poorly of.
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So we've talked quite a bit about the risks of being too nice.
So what are we to make of it all? Well, if we are not to be taken advantage of at work or in relationships, becoming more assertive will help.
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Last time we saw how the snake had made life difficult for itself by becoming too nice. This time I want to look at how people respond to too much niceness.
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The snake was vicious, snarling, and dangerous. He terrified the villagers, biting the children and scaring all the adults. But sometimes he felt lonely and craved companionship.
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Consider this...
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth on someone in public, you'd be totally focussed.
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Do you remember my client John from a few podcasts back? Who couldn't bring himself to pursue his dream of opening a small hotel in Spain because of what people might think?
Listen on to find out what happened.
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People say "be yourself" don't they? But they never say how.
Firstly, remember it's human to mimic other humans...
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'We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.'
- Ethel Barrett
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The imagination is a wonderful thing. Except when it's not.
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Have you noticed that some people use disapproval as a weapon?
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I've noticed that people who are overly concerned with approval assume that other people will think them 'a terrible person' or 'a loser' if they say or do something that isn't somehow right...
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Peer pressure can make us go against what we truly know to be decent and civilized behaviour.
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You may have spotted this, but anxiously seeking approval is often an attempt at trying to gain and keep a sense of control.
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Constantly seeking approval means we're perpetually worried that others are forming a bad opinion of us.
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Some approval seeking is inevitable of course - after all, we all need friends.
But if we are led through life doing what we've come to believe is 'expected of us', then, in a way, we cease to exist, to live, and be real.
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'Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?' - Brigham Young.
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If you feel guilty for something you did, ask yourself: "Did I mean to cause pain to others or myself?"
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If you feel guilty for something you did, ask yourself: "Did I mean to cause pain to others or myself?"
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Continuing on our topic of self forgiveness, think whether you've found it hard to forgive yourself because other people have had trouble forgiving you.
Consider: Are they using this as psychological blackmail with which to manipulate you?
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Self-forgiveness doesn't mean making excuses; rather, it's about finding understanding.
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- 'If only my nose was straighter...then I'd be confident and happy!'
- 'If only I earned ten thousand more a year...then my life would be good!'
- 'If only I could be exactly the same as Bob...then I'd feel great about my/himself!'
Have you ever thought like that?
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If you feel inferior, imagine for a moment how you'd need to be to feel great about yourself.
What would you need to look like, to own, to be doing?
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It's so freeing when you give yourself permission to be yourself.
No one has written on his tombstone: "Here lies Ralph; he was quite like John."
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We can know we're inferior in some ways without this making us feel bad.
So here's what to do if you find yourself feeling inferior to someone...
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Do you think that perhaps the people you think of as the 'best' also have people that they feel inferior to?
Here's one way around this trap...
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Let's face it, most of us compare ourselves to others.
Mass media beams in the finest looking, richest, and most talented people into our lives 24/7.
This creates the illusion that we 'know' all these beautiful, clever, younger, athletic, rich, able people.
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We've been talking a lot about low self esteem, but we really need to know what makes for solid self esteem. After all, if you don't know the destination, how are you going to get there?
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Is there any chance you feel like this sometimes?
'If it's not perfect then it's a total failure!'
In my years as a therapist I've found this is a very common approach to life taken by people with low self esteem and general anxiety.
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Low self-esteem makes us magnify failures and personal faults.
It also makes us minimize or completely discount successes and personal strengths.
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In this podcast I'll tell you one thing that almost every person I've treated for low self esteem does (including our friend Joy from my last podcast), how to understand it, and how to fix it in your mind.
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A diamond doesn't know its value to others.
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Contrary to popular belief, healthy self-esteem doesn't mean loving yourself no matter what you do.
Shame, guilt, and self-reproach do have a place if we behave badly.
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Please take a moment to read this next sentence.
Low self-esteem is a false perception of oneself.
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There are more theories about self esteem than there are leaves on the tree outside my window, but if there's one thing I know after 15+ years of helping people with low self esteem, it's this:
Low self-esteem almost always results from how we are conditioned by other people.
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