TOTAL MASSACRE: Recent Episodes
Rowan Kaiser
TOTAL MASSACRE is back after a long health hiatus! Rowan is joined by special guests Brian Smawley and Rob Zacny to discuss John Woo's hit THE KILLER, recently rereleased in 4K. Rob is here to talk about John Woo as a romantic moralist. Brian wants to talk about how it's a secret Three Kingdoms movie. And Rowan is mostly here to make jokes about how Chow Yun-Fat is the worst Hitman player of all time.
"It is a play about dating. It's not a play just about death. It's about everything. Dating, birth, death, life, family—all that." TOTAL MASSACRE returns, kind of, with a show about Charlie Kaufman's masterpiece/self-indulgent waste, SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK, or, a man will invent an entire world of nestled plays within plays rather than admit he might have gender dysphoria. The actor playing Rowan Kaiser is quickly written out, but is also joined by actors playing Kev Koeser who takes over, and guest actors playing Carli Velocci and Dais Johnston also appear.
Our project getting into the Teen Girl High School Social Satire Canon requires a delve into John Hughes, and we've picked THE BREAKFAST CLUB, because it's the best, least problematic, and somehow Rowan never saw it before this? Anyway enjoy a bunch of millennials poking holes in a Gen X masterpiece--nah, we all loved it, all three of us Ally Sheedys.
They're all gonna laugh at you. TOTAL MASSACRE starts its foray into the teen girl high school social satire canon with CARRIE, a film that may not be satire, but it's very concerned with many of the same things, as Rowan argues, and is a tremendous influential film and story overall, as special guest Zack Handlen argues. Does first-time viewer Christy Admiraal agree? What is the difference between comedy and horror in the end? Why are CARRIE adaptations so keen to make Carrie so skinny? How awful is Nancy Allen, and how not-threatening is John Travolta? And why is Rowan so attracted to Piper Laurie in this anyway???
It's all led to this. Over a hundred episodes of action movies, science fiction movies, crime lesbian movies, and Gerwig movies has to our apotheosis: LADY BIRD. Why did Kev redefine their life about this movie? Why was Rowan terrified about how close to home it would hit? Why was special guest/new co-host (kinda) Christy Admiraal excited to join us? How astonishing is this cast? How great are the core performances? How did Greta Gerwig manage to make "liking Crash by the Dave Matthews Band" into the emotional climax of an all-time great film? All these questions and more -- including what the fourth season of TOTAL MASSACRE will entail -- on this massive sweeps week episode!
Gerwig month continues with Mistress America, a film about what happens when you get the coolest step-sister of all time who's also a total loser but then the film isn't actually about her, it's about you, and you don't like what you find out about yourself. Plus girlbossing, and tweets! Rowan and Kev are joined by Mistress America superfan Grace Robertson to talk what happens when it all goes wrong but it's also very funny.
TOTAL MASSACRE is going through a rough time. Our best friend Carli got other things to do in life instead of hanging out with us all time (congrats Carli!) Fiasco month didn't get us hired for the Christmas show. We've had to turn to our comfort films. That's right, after action, after science fiction, it is time for GRETA GERWIG MONTH (early). We begin with FRANCES HA, written by and starring the lady herself, and man is this script great. Jeez is this acting great. And the editing! Well that wasn't her but everything is great. It's already a fav of Rowan and Kev, but special guest Jon Arthur watched it for the first time for the show and then immediately watched it again.
TOTAL MASSACRE's Fiasco month concludes with Southland Tales, Richard Kelly's 2006 disasterpiece of a followup to Donnie Darko. It's a movie that's very angry about George W Bush, ineffective liberals, racist cops, and rampant nationalist consumerism, and boy does it want to deal with all those things at once, with wildly varying effectiveness. We talk about Sarah Michelle Gellar, SNL alumni, Amy Poehler's too-fast death, the mid-2000s liberal blogosphere, Barack Obama, Wallace Shawn as a Final Fantasy villain, Bai Ling as ..... some character, and whether The Rock was ready for this kind of stardom. And a lot more. There's so much movie in this movie!
Fiasco month(s) continues with the Wachowskis' and Tom Twyker's masterfiascopiece, CLOUD ATLAS, a film about the indominatible power of the human spirit and also Halle Berry as an evil elderly Korean doctor. Chris Dole guests alongside Rowan and Kev to talk about the movie that is one of the most movies. It's a lot, in fact six different movies, but also most of them seem good! The cast is great! The yellowface is....maybe well-intentioned but that doesn't mean it good. What IS good is the score! Real monkey's paw movie.
Fiasco Month at Total Massacre kicks off with the original overly ambitious sci-fi fiasco, Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. Guest Val McKenna joins Carli and Kev in discussing this movie’s troubled production but also its incredible look and wonderful performances. Listen now, and maybe you too will want to rise up and overthrow your masters.
Rowan gets a well deserved Cronenbergsmas rest as the helpful spirits of Carli, Kev, and special guest Noel Kirkpatrick discuss Scanners... sort of. We talk about how Scanners is the Cronenberg of past, present, and Cronenbergs yet to come, which actors make the best Scanners face, that one scene (you know the one), plus cool jackets. There’s also a lot of loopy tangents. Enjoy!
Merry Cronenbergsmas! We're buzzing to bring your our next episode on Cronenberg's classic, THE FLY, a delightfully weird little film about everything that can go wrong when journalists hook up with their sources. Rowan, Carli, and Kev are joined by special guest Carl Garcia to talk about body horror, pacing, Jeff Goldblum's bizarrely perfect delivery, terrible ex-boyfriends, and the second abortion from hell we've covered on the show.
Television: good, or bad? This and all other questions surrounding the medium of television will be answered by VIDEODROME and the ensuing TOTAL MASSACRE podcast about VIDEODROME, starring Rowan Kaiser, Carli Velocci, Kev Koeser, and special guest Julie Muncy. These questions include: how far would you go for Debbie Harry? James Woods: sleazy or creepazoid? Is samurai porn the prestige tv of the 80s? And what is this movie actually saying underneath all the things it's saying?
CRIME LESBIAN Month concludes with BOUND, The Wachowskis before-its-time erotic thriller from 1996. It's a well-loved movie for Rowan, Kev, special guest Alex Welch, and...wait, Carli doesn't like it? Well that just got spicy. Actually we're all very respectful and have a frank exchange of opinions about the Wachowskis' eggness, Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly's chemistry, Joey Pants kinda taking over the movie, two incredible death scenes, and an incredibly squeaky leather jacket.
Critical support to women's wrongs, as Crime Lesbian Month continues with 2024's LOVE LIES BLEEDING. It's a nasty little thriller which shows how far Kristen Stewart has come as a weirdo since her TWILIGHT days, and Rowan, Kev, and Carli with special guest Stella Sacco are entirely on board for it. We talk about how it's a horny movie but not a sexy one, the wide variety of mullets on display, and what might have moved it into being a deeper movie but maybe not a better one.
CRIME LESBIAN CRIME LESBIAN CRIME LESBIAN IT'S CRIME LESBIAN MONTH for Rowan's birthday, and we're kicking it off with Park Chan-Wook's lesbian thriller, THE HANDMAIDEN. Did it preface a decade of pop culture lesbians in the way OLDBOY did revenge action scenes in hallways? Is it one of Park's very best, or very worst, or both? How hot is that amateur dentistry? What's with that guy's eyebrows? Should pornography used as abuse be destroyed even if it's rare? No seriously, the mouth rubbing scene omg.
October's cosmic horror month concludes with the reason for the season: ANNIHILATION (2018), a film all three hosts and special guest from RogerEbert.com and New York Magazine Matt Zoller Seitz all excited to get into it. We talk about what makes for a pure science fiction experience, differences between the book and the film, ANNIHILATION as the anti-blockbuster, deals with the fey, and of course, that goddamn bear. Hoo boy that bear.
TOTAL MASSACRE goes back to Lovecraft as we discuss COLOR OUT OF SPACE. Listen to us discuss how much substance is really beneath the surface of this movie, how this modern take diverges from the very 80s FROM BEYOND, and of course a lot of Nic Cage talk.
Cosmic horror month invades from another dimension, as TOTAL MASSACRE checks out Patreon suggestion FROM BEYOND, a 1986 adaptation of a Lovecraft short story with some of the gnarliest practical effects you've ever seen. Rowan, Kev, and Carli gather to investigate a scary old mansion filled with discussion of what cosmic horror means to us, why it's cool in spite of Lovecraft being a massive racist, how strong this movie's themes of kinkshaming are or aren't, mean old psychiatrist ladies, and headdicks, headdicks, headdicks!
Zombie month concludes with a modern masterpiece of the genre, 2016's TRAIN TO BUSAN. It's a fast-paced, fast-zombie film that went viral in the streaming age, and Rowan, Carli, and special guest Bryant Francis are here to talk about why it totally deserved its acclaim. Uh, also, Kev is here and they didn't like it, so, surprise conflict amongst our survivors!
Zombie month continues with RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, a nihilist zombie horror-comedy that's both as authentically punk and fake Hollywood punk as you can get. Either way, the energy is good, the special effects are good, the characters are good, and Rowan, Kev, and guest Zack Handlen are all here having a great time.
It's zombie month over on TOTAL MASSACRE, as Rowan, Carli, and Kev all check out a classic we've never actually seen before, DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978). We invite horror fan Jack McDonald along, and talk about tremendous editing, the rarity of seeing the collapse from the side of the people in authority, capitalism, how cool Ken Foree is, the implicit and explicit discussion of race, and how horror movies struggle with endings in the most fascinating ways. Let's go ice skating together!
TOTAL MASSACRE's Alien month concludes with the black sheep of the franchise that's the black sheep of franchises. ALIEN: RESURRECTION is widely considered the worst of the series or at least the original run, but what this podcast presupposes is: what if it's actually some weird, icky, goofy fun? Kev, Carli, and Rowan are all in agreement, as is special guests David Bednar, who runs down what actually makes for an Alien film, and why Avatar and Fargo both are but Alien 3 isn't. Rowan also mentions Babylon 5. Multiple times.
Alien month continues with yet another controversial, wildly visionary, endlessly compromised thriller with tremendous production design -- the first of that batch, David Fincher's ALIEN 3. It's a grim movie but a fun show, as Rowan, Kev, Carli, and new guest El Loughney discuss the massively different cuts, doomed production, how this all relates to Babylon 5, comedy xenomorph kills, and just how good Charles Dance and Charles Dutton are in this!
It's Alien month here, and we're having a nice calm episode of TOTAL MASSACRE as we do a leisurely scientific expedition of 2012's PROMETHEUS, where nobody has strong opinions, nobody has an agenda, and definitely nobody dies horribly from excessive arrogance, and DEFINITELY nobody has to have a horrific alien abortion that also removes all subtext from the body! Carli, Kev, and Rowan are joined by resident Alien-liker Zack Handlen to talk about bad androids played well by bad people, characters announcing their motivations, extremely shiny toys, and the hubris of making the film, the hubris of the characters in the film, and the hubris of us trying to discuss the film.
July is Will Smith month for TOTAL MASSACRE, so of course we have to start with INDEPENDENCE DAY, a film that was completely ubiquitous in 1996 and has kind of shockingly faded from public view given that it was THAT big and also it's pretty damn good? Cities are supposed to blow up, and they blow up. Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, and Will Smith are present and good actors, and they act good and charming. Randy Quaid is....also there. Rowan, Kev, and our good friend Madi are here to discuss every part of this film, except for the incredibly awesome/terrible 90s credit animations, which Rowan forgot to mention on the show and is clearing up here.
This episode is funny because we spend the first 3/4s of it talking about an incredibly interesting, strange, 70s film starring David Bowie at one of the peaks of his David Bowie-ness, and then also we mention that the movie kinda sucks. It's THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH, with Rowan, Kev, Carli, and returning guest Jack McDonald! Assassination crash helmets! Too Many Televisions! Rip Torn's penis! This is a movie that has it all except connecting tissue, or any action scenes! It is certainly a movie!
It's 70s sci-fi month here at TOTAL MASSACRE, as we open with INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, a delightful science fiction take on the paranoid thrillers of the era. How fine is Donald Sutherland's moustache? Is San Francisco an incredibly accurate setting for this film? How are the themes so solid and so amorphous? And ain't it cool with the bodies gloop out?
Our formative movie May ends with SPEED RACER, the Wachowskis' then-panned, now cult classic of color and sound and explosion and anti-corporatism. It's Kev's pick for a movie that made them love movies, and they're joined by fellow superfan Grace Robertson, Carli, and Rowan watching it for the very first time, to talk about why it's stuck around, why it came out at exactly the wrong time, how the Wachowskis' Gen X libertarianism may undercut some of its themes, Christina Ricci with grease on her face, and cars going boom.
Our origin story month continues with BRAZIL, Terry Gilliam's masterpiece of dystopia, satire, fascism, and air ducts that helped inspire Carli and somehow Kev hadn't seen?!? We talk about terrorism, masculinity, production, fantastic British actors, Terry Gilliam's mixed reputation, and so much more.
TOTAL MASSACRE returns after a quick break with MOON, the Duncan Jones film Rowan selected as the movie important to how and why she's on this podcast. We've got all kinds of Sam Rockwell content as well as Rowan explaining the three main forms of Hollywood science fiction, and how Moon changed her perception of what seemed to be possible. Plus special guest Christy Admiraal. Also cute robot emoji! Also a problematic robot voice.....
Yeah that's right we're doing a Wes Anderson movie on TOTAL MASSACRE. And after Fantastic Mr. Fox it's our SECOND Wes Anderson movie. That's just how much Rowan and Kev love ASTEROID CITY, our final pick for SF Comedy Movie April. We also have special guest Kris Lorischild who loves Wes Anderson....less. It's a fun discussion where we discuss the limits or benefits of artificiality, aliens as a metaphor, star after star just killing it, and of course, that we're all deeply emotionally wounded people.
Science fiction comedy month starts off with BACK TO THE FUTURE, Robert Zemeckis' smash 80s hit. Rowan, Carli, and Kev are rejoined by Mike Williams to discuss whether this was the first Marvel movie, how damn good Michael J Fox is, the difficult tightrope of making a family-friendly movie about American history and of course, time-travel incest.
Conference rooms! Meetings! Political machinations! Scientific breakthroughs! And a giant fucking monster with lasers shooting out of his back! It's SHIN GODZILLA time here on TOTAL MASSACRE, as Carli, Rowan, and Kev are joined by Gojira fan Alex Kazanas to discuss this extremely 2014 and also compelling look at what if Godzilla had consequences? Also the main character is named Rando, that's pretty sweet.
Modern Monster Movie March continues with Jordan Peele's magnificent 2022 film NOPE, one of the most beloved films we've discussed on TOTAL MASSACRE! Rowan, Kev, and Carli are rejoined by Ellie Warren to talk about what to do with films where there's 16 different metaphors at once, Stephen Yuen stealing the show a bit too literally, and a truly magnificent monster both inside and out.
It's time for Modern Monster Movie March! We open with Bong Joon-Ho's breakthrough 2007 classic, THE HOST! Rowan, Kev, Carli, and Carli's fiance Bryant get together to talk about what Korean cinema does and how this film its, how fucking rad Bae Doona is, how fucking rad Song Kang-Ho is, how fucking bad America is, and a heartwarming story of child alcoholism.
Get ready to run up a wall and kick a zombie dog in joy, as this week Madi Emenheiser joins us to close out Schlockuary with Paul W. S. Anderson’s RESIDENT EVIL! Is this cinema’s most memorable death laser grid? Is it possible to tell all the brawny white guys apart? Should Milla Jovovich and Michelle Rodriguez have kissed? Answers to all these questions and more in our latest episode!
What is the nature of memory, and how fuckin' rad is it to have a swordfight with two metal baseball bats? These are the deep philosophical questions asked by the magnificent DTV action schlockfest UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: DAY OF RECKONING. We invite number one Jean-Claude Van Damme superscholar Abby Waysdorf on board to join Kev, Rowan, and Carli in dissecting a surprisingly great and influential action movie.
Number one NEMESIS superfan Joe Gibson joins Rowan, Carli, and Kev to talk about Albert Pyun's 1992 cyberpunk action film, as the first installment of our SCIFI ACTION SCHLOCK month. Is NEMESIS an underrated cult classic? 66.6% of our panel is down for that! There's action mudslides, improvised bullet elevators, and heads that open up to shoot guns, like come on. There's also a plot or something. It's messy.
TOTAL MASSACRE REQUEST LIVE month concludes with our friend Ryan Swen returning to JE T'AIME JE T'AIME, our first French movie! Our first science fiction movie from prior to the 80s! It's about science fiction and time travel through film editing, and it's a fascinating examination of one man's messed-up life, what it's like dating depressed girls, post-war trauma, and hilariously dry humor. It will always be three o'clock.
TOTAL REQUEST MASSACRE month continues with our good friend Brian Smawley's pick CASSHERN, billed as the first live-action anime adaptation! It's, uh, a lot, as Rowan and Kev join Chef Lu Bu to talk about cool masks, genocide, WWII guilt, adapting massive stories, and really cool hair!
It's a Patreon request special as TOTAL MASSACRE takes on 1998's DARK CITY! Is this the most 90s film in existence? Who is even the protagonist here? Is it even really science fiction? Wait, that leading man isn't a time-traveling Oscar Isaac? Carli, Kev, and Rowan are joined by special guest, artist David Bednar, to discuss!
2003's PAYCHECK came out at the nadir of John Woo's and Ben Affleck's career, and it was nearly universally panned. Was that fair? TOTAL MASSACRE says no! Mostly! Is it a secret gem, up there with MINORITY REPORT and BLADE RUNNER? uhhh....also no. Look, there's real fun stuff here, as Rowan, Carli, and Kev agree, although guest Brian Smawley doesn't so much. But there's also Uma Thurman's outfit. Oof.
All these episodes....like tears in the rain. Rowan, Kev, and special guest Jon Arthur check out the programming of the seminal science fiction BLADE RUNNER for Dickcember. It's a film we all respect but none of us truly love, which we try to puzzle out on the show. Is Ridley Scott just a cold director? Is the odd tinge of 80s anti-Asian paranoia part of it? Also, what is the nature of criticism? Is Harrison Ford the coolest person to ever sip whiskey depressedly? There's a lot going on here, okay!
Dickcember opens with a nasty little 1990s b-movie that leaves the our panelists a bit torn up: SCREAMERS, starring Peter Weller. Rowan, Carli, Kev, and special guest Jack McDonald (also the creator of our intro!) get a lil' rowdy talking matte paintings, Canadian acting chops, not-that-Jennifer Rubin, what makes P.K. Dick such a useful guy for adaptation, scary sing-song children, and the most terrifying thing a science fiction film can have: an opening crawl gone horribly wrong.
Steven Spielberg month on TOTAL MASSACRE concludes with MINORITY REPORT, which also kicks off Philip K Dickcember -- it's a double whammy! It's also a double whammy for Steven Spielberg, who manages to balance a taut sci-fi thriller with a bouncy, almost comic, group of set pieces. Join Rowan, Carli, and Kev as we talk about runaway eyeballs, weird little guys, Colin Farrell's moustache, and whether this film deserves to be placed with the top tier of Spielberg films.
Spielberg month continues with one of the most divisive films we've seen, Spielberg and Kubrick's ambitious, wildly atonal, mesmerizing 2001 film AI. Good? Bad? Treacly? Cynical? Hard science fiction? Metaphor for love? Herald of the robot apocalypse? Defender of the downtrodden mecha? One thing Rowan, Kev, Carli, and special guest Ryan Swen can all agree on: Jude Law's sexbot rules.
Alien Invasion month concludes, and Spielberg November begins, with CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, an incredibly influential film for several of our most beloved Fox shows of the 1990s, although not Melrose Place. Is this a dry run at other films Spielberg would do better later? How much awe can be shown in a single movie? What happens when Dad meets a sexy widow with the same hyperfixations as he does? Those practical effects! That music! A synth that saves mankind! All this and more, discussed by Rowan, Kev, and returning guest Ellie Warren.
Alien Invasion month continues with TOTAL MASSACRE heading to Scotland for a little sexy creepiness with Scarlett Johansson and 2013's acclaimed science fiction film UNDER THE SKIN. "This whole thing smacks of gender!" Rowan Kaiser proclaims, and yeah, she sort of always does that but it's hard to disagree this time. Esther Rosenfield and Carli Velocci also have many thoughts on Scotland's ugly-beauty, Johansson's fantastic performance, who is the threat and who isn't from scene to scene, relationships to 2001 and other SF films, and more!
TOTAL MASSACRE is back! In science fiction form! We've rebranded to a science fiction podcast, promoted Carli and Kev to co-host/regular panelist/organizers, gotten a new intro and art, and decided to explore a derelict spaceship in order to make sure we get our shares! What could possibly go wrong? Joining us on this expedition is freelance writer and jury-rigged flamethrower expert Zack Handlen. We talk Hawaiian work shirts, proper first contact protocol, the worst-fitting underwear of all time, casting a creepy android, and what it's liking "knowing" ALIEN through pop-culture osmosis without having actually seen ALIEN!
TOTAL MASSACRE checks out ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL, Robert Rodriguez and James Cameron's 2019 anime/manga adaptation, with guests Kev Koeser, Brian Smawley, and Esther Rosenfield. We talk about mean mommy Jennifer Connolly, double jump-kicks, whether audiences were ready for earnestness, and gender euphoria. I guess it's a pretty wide-ranging conversation.
Netflix month continues (ends?) with the small-scale action thriller KATE, Mary Elizabeth Winstead's attempt to do her JOHN WICK. Does it work? Why is it set in Japan? Remember that moment when she breaks the bottles to get herself claws, that was so sweet! Rowan is joined by Kev and new guest Jon Arthur to break down what works and what doesn't and also more bottles.
We've finally done it! After a year of attempts our RRR show has come to fruition, with Carli and Ellie rejoining Rowan to talk about the power of friendship! The power of tigers! The power of nationalism! The power of dance! The power of tigers on fire! We also talk seriously about whether the right-wing politics get in the way of the film, characters who simply disappear, and if the closest Hollywood equivalent is...Zack Snyder?
TOTAL MASSACRE kicks off Netflix Month in anticipation of Rowan canceling Netflix with THE NIGHT COMES FOR US, an utterly brutal Indonesian action film from Timo Tjahjanto starring Joe Taslim and Iko Uwais of THE RAID. We talk meat hooks, fast punches, broke bones (human), grenades, sniper rifles, broken bones (inhuman), lesbians, kukri, pool balls, and also like, emotions and structure and how this film should be playing in hotel rooms late at night but can't because Netflix.
TOTAL MASSACRE's science fiction month concludes with the biggest space marine story of them all, James Cameron's ALIENS. Rowan is joined by Carli Velocci and Ellie Warren to talk about James Cameron, Sigourney Weaver, production design, James Cameron's obsession with Titanic, trauma, cats, and Jim Cameron's career! Game over, man!
It is a glorious day full of joy-joy at TOTAL MASSACRE, as Rowan Kaiser, Carli Velocci, and Brian Smawley engage in a discussion of DEMOLITION MAN! Is our trio of panelists a match for Sandra Bullock, Sylvester Stallone, and Wesley Snipes? Is this three films in one that somehow all work? Could we live in a world where the only restaurant is Taco Bell? And did someone in the production owe Denis Leary money? All this and more, only on TOTAL MASSACRE!
TOTAL MASSACRE returns with a good ol' fashioned bug hunt with absolutely no hidden subtext whatsoever thanks to STARSHIP TROOPERS. Rowan is joined by Citizens Kev Koeser and new guest Christopher Dole to discuss many things that are definitely not fascist, such as practical and computer effects, evil Neil Patrick Harris, eviller Michael Ironside, teen drama in times of war, and of course, hardcore nudity. Chris is also plugging the fundraiser for Arden Season 3: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/arden-s3-midsummer-in-new-york-city
TOTAL MASSACRE finally checks in with Donnie Yen with FLASH POINT, a movie that has an incredible 20-minute climax including some of the best martial arts choreography we've ever seen, and also at least an hour before then of an utterly baffling cops and robbers thriller with no action scenes. It's a weird one, folks, but we had a fun show with Rowan joined by Ryan Swen, Brian Smawley, and Mike Williams.
Merry Christmas! TOTAL MASSACRE is covering the greatest Christmas movie argument of all time, DIE HARD, with Rowan, Kev, and our very own Santa Claus Brian Smawley. We talk about copaganda, lighting, influence, Alan Rickman's sneer, and good old fashioned American masculinity, what a neat present to open!
Were you upset that the recent Sight & Sound poll barely included action at all? Neither were we, it's totally understandable, but it DID motivate us to see what a similar poll would look like if it was just action, so we did it. Rowan is joined by Brian Smawley, Kev Koeser, and actual Sight & Sound voter Ryan Swen to discuss the results. Is there a surprise in the top 2? What's the newest movie to make the list, and the oldest? Did Kev get Speed Racer on the list? Is it time for TOTAL MASSACRE to get into animation? All these questions and more will be answered on our biggest show ever!
Tom Cruise rides a goddamn plane! Rebecca Ferguson wears a yellow dress! Simon Pegg turns the energy up! Ving Rhames wears a jaunty hat! Jeremy Renner...is also there! It's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION and Rob Zacny and Stella Sacco are here to break down the best film in the best series, maybe.
TOTAL MASSACRE is back for Septomber and three of Tom Cruise's best action movies! This time we're covering Michael Mann's COLLATERAL with Cruise as the terrifying Vincent, Jamie Foxx as his new best bud Max, and Brian and Kev joining Rowan to discuss what was the height of cool in 2004.
TOTAL MASSACRE is back for Septomber and three of Tom Cruise's best action movies! This time we're covering Michael Mann's COLLATERAL with Cruise as the terrifying Vincent, Jamie Foxx as his new best bud Max, and Brian and Kev joining Rowan to discuss what was the height of cool in 2004.
It's Judgment Day everyone! Thrill to the nuclear holocaust of Rowan explaining her overall theory of T2! Chill to Dylan's description of the time he launched a years-long project to give a distant connection a Terminator lore-based LARP! Also Carli and Naomi are here and they're great too!
Rowan, Carli, and Brian are hyped up (mostly) for the brand-new installment in the PREDATOR franchise, Dan Trachtenberg's PREY. Themes of nature and colonialism? Check! A cool Predator design? Check! A story of growing up and coming into your power with alien monsters around? Definite check! Impact font on the title card and a dope cello? You better believe that's a check!
Rowan is rejoined by Brian Smawley aka Chef Lu Bu for Jackie Chan ad Michelle Yeoh's near-death stunt experiences in 1992's SUPERCOP! What is going on with Maggie Cheung's character? Why are they in Thailand to blow up an outpost? How influential was this movie on action around the world? And holy shit is that an actual helicopter blade while they're fighting????!?
Our month of Michelle Yeoh continues with one of her international breakthrough films, CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON. There are parts of this movie we love, but, why are they all in the second half? How is Rowan an enlightened centrist on romantic flashbacks? And how fast are those punches and kicks? They're super fast, right??
Carli, Rowan, and Kev are joined by special guest Rebekah Valentine for the hit multiverse movie of the year, EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE. We talk about its parallels to the Wachowskis and Edgar Wright, the joy of seeing this cast pull this off, and wait a minute are they really going full Wong Kar-Wai????
TOTAL CASHACRE closes out with a huge day for Rowan: she watches her first Michael Mann movie, HEAT. Have you heard of this thing? It's like, really good. It's got Robert De Niro AND Al Pacino! Wild wild shit.
Rowan is joined by Rob Zacny and Carli Velocci to introduce Carli to the joy that is the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE series and discuss De Palma's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 1. We talk about the best ways to understand the series, shockingly weak reviews, the terrifying nature of a single bead of sweat, how much Rob loves helicopters, and Tom Cruise sprinting!
TOTAL CASHACRE returns with Rowan's favorite comfort film, FANTASTIC MR. FOX. Wes Anderson's animated delight involves not one but five different heists, George Clooney being suave again, tweens being difficult, and all the Whack-Bat you can handle. HOTBOX!
TOTAL CASHACRE returns from a brief hiatus (Rowan moving) with the quintessential modern heist film OCEAN'S 11. Kev joins in and we talk about smoothness, coolness, light, charm, and weird Cockney accents.
One year of TOTAL MASSACRE means it's time for our reward: the greatest action movie of our age, MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. Rowan, Abby, Kev, and Jay dive into the smartness and the dumbness, Chekov's flaming guitars and poles, car armor tactics, Tom Hardy's mumbling, and mostly just how this is the greatest thing ever.
TOTAL MASSACRE is joined by Keith Phipps, author of the new book AGE OF CAGE, to discuss Nic's best action movie, FACE/OFF. Rowan, Carli, Christy, and Keith discuss how a movie can be meta and completely earnest, what John Woo looks like with a full budget, how to properly eat a peach, and more!
Rowan and Kev continue the 70s theme of March with one of Jackie Chan's breakthroughs, SNAKE IN EAGLE'S SHADOW. We talk about that Jackie Chan magic, the greatest training montages ever, animal cruelty, and some of the tightest choreography put to film
Rowan recruits the very best podcast martial artists, Kev Koeser and Mike Williams, for a tournament of champions and international crime syndicate, as TOTAL MASSACRE covers Bruce Lee's iconic ENTER THE DRAGON!
Time loops! Smarminess! Cool aliens! Comedy deaths! Hot butches! It's EDGE OF TOMORROW, it's TOTAL MASSACRE with Rowan, Carli, and Abby!
In the opening scene of Michael Bay's 2003 hit BAD BOYS 2, Will Smith yells "Blue power!" and it's all downhill from there. Or uphill. It's genuinely hard to say! Rowan, Dylan, and Brian try to puzzle it out as best as possible.
Total Massacre check's out Jackie Chan's nitty-gritty police procedural POLICE STORY, complete with Phoenix Wright-esque courtroom drama, three cakes to the face, bumbling cops who have to be able to break the rules, and the wildest bus stunt you'll ever see!
Perhaps you, like Rowan, Brian, and Dylan, have fond memories of 1998's action comedy hit RUSH HOUR. Jackie Chan holding up a vase! Chris Tucker saying funny things! Both guys singing James Brown! What's not to love? Well.....rewatching the movie gave us a lot of things that weren't those fond memories. Oopsie.
For the first film of Jet & Jackie January TOTAL MASSACRE heads back in time in China for ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA, a defining star turn for Jet Li that also influenced action movies for decades to come. Rowan is rejoined by Mike Williams and Brian Smawley to talk about the film which, perhaps more than any other we've covered, is great action scenes and pretty bad connective tissue.
What if Lethal Weapon was mean-spirited? What if pro football was on the verge of collapse from players shooting each other on the field? What if Bruce Willis wasn't charming? What if Shane Black cared about women in any way whatsoever? All the questions and more, answered by Rowan, Jay, and Chuck on the newest episode of TOTAL MASSACRE, on THE LAST BOY SCOUT.
Rowan, Carli, and Kev gather to check out a Patreon-recommended splatterfest, Tokyo Gore Police. It's...a lot. But it's also not enough, as we call it "a quarter of the way to a satire". Look, you're either clicking on a show called "Tokyo Gore Police" or not, I'm not sure what more I can add here.
Rowan, Carli, and Kev finally break the seal and cover....our first MCU movie, SHANG-CHI: LEGEND OF THE ETC ETC. Look, come on, it has Tony Leung, how could we not? He was in Hard Boiled! In the Mood for Love is Rowan's favorite movie! His eyes, man, his fucking eyes! Also there's MCU stuff and a guy with a knife-hand or whatever. Tony Leung!!!!
Rowan is joined by Jay Pullman and new guest Charles "Chuck Friendly" Moran to talk about Lethal Weapon, the buddy cop action movie to start all buddy cop action movies. We talk about the careers of Shane Black and Richard Donner, how good Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are, how evil Mel Gibson has become, the weird combination of copaganda and Vietnam guilt, and just how entertaining it all is.
Rowan felt like doing the sequel to Bourne so....we did it. Spy expert Christy Admiraal, Kev Koeser, and Jay Pullman dive into the Indian Ocean for a CIA thriller that questions whether Americans may be the baddies, provides a respectable fridging, and shakes the camera like it's a moneymaker.
Rowan is joined by Carli, Kev, and Dylan for a raucous late-night examination of Edgar Wright's 2010 cult hit SCOTT PILGRIM VERSUS THE WORLD. That cast! That style! Those jokes! That core romantic plot that doesn't actually work! Stories about our encounters with celebrity! And we also talk about the action occasionally or whatever.
Jean-Claude! John Woo! It's a match made in Hollywood heaven, with Woo's first American film, HARD TARGET. Rowan, Abby, and Dylan head to the Big Easy to talk about motorcycles, mullets, and when it's woke to hunt humans for sport!
Rowan is rejoined by Rob Zacny and Christy Admiraal for a discussion of 2012's SKYFALL. Rowan is very skeptical of James Bond, but loved half of this and hated the other half. See why she calls it the most morally reprehensible film we've covered yet! But also homoerotic spy shenanigans? Like the British Empire, SKYFALL is a land of contrasts.
Rowan, Jay, Kev, and Mike take on John Carpenter's 1986 VHS classic, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA. It's a movie that shouldn't quite work as well as it does, but Kurt Russell's ability to set the tone, a great Asian-American cast, and Carpenter at the top of his directing games keep it monumentally entertaining throughout.
That's the name of the show! Rowan, Carli, and returning guest Brian Smawley take on Takashi Miike's samurai revenge epic 13 ASSASSINS. We talk about buckets of blood, the film's position in samurai movies and history, the odd supernatural elements, and a truly despicable villain.
Rowan and Kev get into our first-ever Patreon-chosen show on THE ROCKETEER. Timothy Dalton preens, Billy Campbell bumbles, Jennifer Connolly pretties, and Rowan wonders about gender. Normal Show.
Rowan and Kev gather to discuss our first-ever Patreon-suggested flick, 1991's The Rocketeer. It's....pretty good, but it feels so close to being better. We do not blame Timothy Dalton, chewing the scenery into bits, but the romantic leads, well.....
Rowan is rejoined by Naomi, Kev, and Abby to discuss John McTiernan's meta monstronsity Last Action Hero, the final film of Arnie August. We talk about how interesting is better than good, how every film of the early 90s felt like it needed a kid, how Arnie was rebranding for comedy, and more.
Philip K. Dick, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Paul Verhoeven seems like a match made for dreams, but is it? Rowan is skeptical, though Kev and Jay are all in on the fantasy. It's the third installment of Arnie August, and it's one of the key films in Arnold's brand creation, TOTAL RECALL on Total Massacre.
Rowan is rejoined by Carli and Zack and new guest Les Chappell for James Cameron's 1984 breakthrough hit, THE TERMINATOR. We talk fever dreams, character actors, story construction, and god damn that police station scene.
Rowan is joined by new guest Naomi Clark as well as Zack and Dylan to discuss the first installment of Arnie August: CONAN THE BARBARIAN. We talk about sex, violence, and....libertarianism.
Rowan, Jay, Abby W, and Carli form a superteam to examine our first (of very few) superhero movies: Birds of Prey. It's got style, songs, a great cast, and actually good action sequences! But is Birds of Prey also missing something?
Rowan is joined by Rob and Carli to discuss 2011's Indonesian action thriller The Raid: sometimes Redemption. We talk about the the Indonesian martial art of Silat, the shaky-cam era, the split of the superhero from the R-rated action flick, and holy shit that time when that little dude runs up the wall for a knee drop, did you SEE that shit???
It's a stripped down show for a stripped-down action movie, as Rowan and Jay discuss 2002's Bourne Identity. We talk about Matt Damon's baby blues, the director having done Swingers, post-9/11 paranoia, and the best Mini Cooper product placement short of The Italian Job
Rowan is joined by Kev, Zack, and new guest Brian Smawley to talk about Jackie Chan's epic Drunken Master 2, the kung fu movie to end all kung fu movies.
Hey there, boppers and gumshoes, we got a real tough gang working their way through some New York City streets. It's 1979, the grime is everywhere, it's a hot summer night, and Kev and Jay are joining Rowan Kaiser to discuss the cult classic The Warriors.
Rowan is rejoined by Abby Waysdorf and new guest Mike Williams to discuss 2000's Jet Li/Aaliyah vehicle ROMEO MUST DIE. We talk about how this could and maybe should have been an ideal connection of martial arts to hip-hop but....isn't quite there. But when it's fun, it's real fun.
Rowan is joined by new IMF field team agents Stella Sacco and Christy Admiraal to discuss Brad Bird's 2011 hit MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL. We talk about how easy this movie is to watch, how well-crafted the central heist set piece is, the total lack of plot, Paula Patton's limbs, Jeremy Renner's face, and giggle with glee at the sheer entertainment on offer.
Keanu May concludes with the 2014 bisexual lighting revenge thriller JOHN WICK. Rowan is joined by Rob Zacny, Carli Velocci, and Abby Waysdorf to discuss the rise of the R-rated action movie, metrosexuality, Keanu's vulnerability, the supernatural elements of John Wick and the time when he drives into a dude and then shoots him through a roof, that ruled.
Rowan is joined by Jay Pullman, Dylan Reiff, and #1 Wachowski Superfan Kev Koeser to talk about probably the biggest action movie of all time and the third installment for Keanu May: The Matrix. We talk pacing, violence, the viability of the trans reading, Trinity, Morpheus, and holy crap that sequence where they bust into the federal building.
It's another Josh and Jay Show reunion as Rowan is joined by the titular Josh, Jay, as well as Aaron and his wife Kelly, a Speed superfan with insight into the renaissance artwork that inspired the bus that couldn't slow down.
Rowan is rejoined by Abby Olcese and Zack Handlen to discuss Kathryn Bigelow's homage to/examination of masculinity Point Break for the first flick of Keanu May. We try to figure out how smart this movie is, how good Swayze is, Reeves' career trajectory and pretty face, and Lori Petty getting kinda screwed over here.
Rowan, Jay, Kev, and new guest Carli Velocci check out Mortal Kombat, new and old. We talk about our experiences with the games, the movies, lore, fighting, lore, and lore!
Rowan Kaiser is joined by Dylan Reiff and Zack Handlen to talk about Jackie Chan's American breakthrough, the 1995 hit, Rumble in the Bronx. We hit on empathy for Jackie, ridiculous movie gangs, and a warehouse full of fridges.
Rowan, Kev, and Abby gather to discuss the Wachowskis' unfairly? maligned science fiction epic Jupiter Ascending. Dogs! Bees! Invisible rollerblades! Eddie Redmayne! Flying sloops! Bob the Advocate!
Our crack squad from Josh and Jay's Excellent Video Game Show featuring Rowan Kaiser (Josh Doan, Jay Pullman, Rowan Kaiser, Aaron Hawn) heads into the wilderness for John McTiernan and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Predator.
Brock, Abby, and Rowan get into Edgar Wright's masterpiece of an action movie, comedy, and action movie primer. We share a lot and we learn a lot and also put on sunglasses and blow everything up.
A baby pisses a fire out and that's one of the things that helps calm this movie down instead of escalating. Rowan Kaiser is joined by Vice Games' Rob Zacny and The Pitch's Abby Olcese to talk about John Woo's legendary gun-fu flick Hard Boiled.