How to Glow: Recent Episodes
Kayla Levin
The podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. Marriage coach Kayla Levin takes married Jewish women from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration and more than a little self awareness along the way.
Whether you are newly married, considering marriage, or have been married for years, this podcast will share with you a powerful framework to help you get the most enjoyment and fulfillment from your relationships--and ultimately, your own growth.
Find out more at https://kaylalevin.com
Welcome back to you and me!!
Today we're talking about what shana rishona is really all about. It might not be what you think! (Plus a tool that can help you at any stage of your marriage.)
The First Year Married program launches June 2! If you're a newlywed, you can sign up here: kaylalevin.com/newlywed
The Glow Community to join us for Mastermind the Worst Part of Your Day: kaylalevin.com/coaching
Give a gift to a newlywed or a friend who could use some extra support: kaylalevin.com/gift
FREE Shalom for Shalom Challenge
WhatsApp: bit.ly/shalom30
Email: bit.ly/shalom-challenge
Mentor sessions coming up on the podcast! Know someone who has great ideas to offer about improving some area of our lives? Email me at kayla @ kaylalevin.com your ideas--whether it's you or someone you know!
Podcast: Ep. 62 - Your Marriage Is A Baby
--- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/howtoglow/message
When the issue seems so big it can be hard to see the value of each small action. This week we're discussing the power of making small steps--whether in response to the war, in our marriages, or any area.
Also an update on the podcast, the Shalom for Shalom Project, and other ways to work on your marriage now.
To join the Shalom for Shalom Project on Whatsapp: https://chat.whatsapp.com/C1hx22g7tvd9v9NY72ho8x
To join by email, email me at kayla@kaylalevin.com with Shalom for Shalom in the subject line.
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This week I brought on my good friend Miriam Campbell for a fascinating discussion on how to connect to others when it's challenging. Sometimes we don't want to connect, or we are going through all the motions but we're not totally there. Listen to hear why this is all part of our process--a process we really do want to be engaged in.
You can learn more about working with Miriam here: https://bookme.name/skillsforconnection
Even if you have a great positive thought, if your nervous system has been hijacked and you're in fight or flight, that thought is just not going to stick. This week I'm introducing you to Nervous System 101. Our guest coach Ilana Kendal will be taking this much deeper inside of How to Glow in July!
Want to join us? You can sign up today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
When life is stressful, sometimes the last thing you think you can handle is supporting a struggling husband. Today I want to talk about some of the struggles I'm seeing a lot with the clients I work with and how fierce support can create a bedrock for your marriage you will be so grateful for in the decades to come.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you in my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
The Business Trip Phenomenon: when your husband goes away and suddenly you are SUPER functional and do so much better than when he was home--WHY is that? Why can't you manage when he's around? And then, instead of him coming home and seeing how great you're doing, you totally fall apart. Has this ever happened to you?
Listen this week to hear why this happens and what you can do to have a smoother reunion after his trips, and what you can keep from the magical wonder-woman energy from when he was away (and what you shouldn't expect to carry over into your day-to-day life.)
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This week we're taking a deep dive into BOUNDARIES. What does it really mean to "have no boundaries" and what do we do with those people in our lives who make us crazy because they don't respect our boundaries? How do we set a boundary and, most importantly, what if our own boundaries need some work?
Referenced in this episode: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
This week, we're all (myself included!), listening to a replay of "Your Relationship with Yourself" - episode 89. Enjoy!
In this replay episode, I emphasize the importance of having a positive relationship with oneself, focusing on understanding the mechanics of developing that relationship, the concept of thought work, and its relevance to relationships.
I will cover the first of three fundamentals of thought work in the context of relationships: one's relationship with oneself, one's relationship with their spouse, and one's relationship with others.
Just like what ends up in our garage, our brains can contain various thoughts, including ones we intentionally put there, ones we struggle with, and ones we unknowingly adopted from others. I want to challenge the misguided notion that holding on to negative thoughts (or a really tall cabinet) will lead to growth.
Hey there! In this podcast episode, I want to talk to you about why it's so important to keep your phone out of the bedroom, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage. Now, I know that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage advice, but I truly believe that every couple should design their own marriage and create a relationship that works for them.
In this episode, I explain that getting your phone out of the bedroom is a crucial step in maintaining your mental health and building intimacy with your partner. With social media and constant communication, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious, which can disrupt your sleep and make it difficult to build strong relationships.
I also discuss the challenges of giving up your phone as an alarm clock, but emphasize the importance of making conscious decisions about the values you prioritize in your marriage. Ultimately, I hope this episode helps you take a step towards a healthier, happier, and more intimate marriage.
As noted in the episode, you can join How to Glow here: kaylalevin.com/coaching
Hope sounds so nice, doesn't it? Except when it gets us into trouble. This week I'm unpacking this seemingly innocent emotion that can sometimes keep us stuck--and how to know when we're in a helpful hope or a not-so-helpful hope.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
Whether infertility has personally affected you or not, it has a major impact on the Jewish community. Dr. Aimee Baron joined me to discuss the work behind her non-profit, I Was Supposed to Have A Baby, her own infertility journey, the many forms of infertility, and the ways that we can support and be sensitive to those going through this journey.
Learn more from Aimee here:
Website: iwassupposedtohaveababy.org
Instagram: @iwassupposedtohaveababy
YouTube
Check out what we'll be doing in May inside of the How to Glow Community.
Sign Up Here: kaylalevin.com/coaching
If you're guilty of skipping meals in lieu of a coffee or regularly staying up too late but can't really get motivated to break those habits (or you can't even imagine why you'd want to), this interview is for you.
I had Lauren Allen, health coach with a focus on hormonal health, come on and give us some practical, real-life tips (and share her amazing story) so we can go from post-Pesach-blah (is it just me?) to feeling more energetic and focused.
Connect with Lauren:
laurenallennutrition.com
Instagram: @LaurenAllenNutrition
To hear Lauren's guest talk in May and participate in our group challenges, join us inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of married Jewish women. Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
For personal development junkies like us, sefira is kind of our time.It's the time when we put our awareness on different traits and check on how well they are integrated and serve us to be our best selves. So I invited Ruchi Koval to speak to us about how to realistically bring these ideas into our lives to take advantage of this spiritual opportunity.
Ruchi says, "It is the blending of the opposites that creates a sum that is greater than its parts... so I have achieved balance when I have integrated what about my spouse is different from me and can help me to become a more balanced person?"
Find out how to get coached by Kayla >> kaylalevin.com/coaching
Resources from this episode:
Ruchi's books:
https://a.co/d/eLhIOmj
https://a.co/d/hQ4WQVd
Ruchi's IG account:
https://www.instagram.com/ruchi.koval/
Ruchi's website:
outoftheorthobox.com
Book mention:
Sefiros (Haber) https://a.co/d/eagy0qN
I'm dropping in here this week to give you a quick reframe if you're struggling to feel energized this Pesach. Because I love you!!! Enjoy--and please share with whoever needs it! If you're a new listener, please subscribe and join us for the journey!
If you're new here, please subscribe!If you need more of this, you must get into the online How to Glow community. Like, now. kaylalevin.com/coaching
I think the title pretty much sums it up.
If you're new here, please subscribe!
If you need more of this, you must get into the online How to Glow community. Like, now. kaylalevin.com/coaching
Also, if you want to check out Ilana Kendal's book Choosing Up, you can do so right here.
We're in the pre-Pesach home stretch and if you're looking to get your head on straight, Meira Spivak is your woman! Meira and I talk about the strategies in her book, How to Get Ready for Pesach in Five Days, and how we can set ourselves up for success without having to start cleaning before Chanukah.
Whether you have a tried-and-true system and are just looking for some tips or adjustments or you've never made Pesach and need to create a system from scratch, this interview will get you on track.
Resources:
Meira's book How to Make Pesach In Five Days
Kayla's course on Time Management in HTG Online
Meira Spivak is the director of Oregon NCSY, where over the past 17 years she has been developing educational programming for teens and parents. Meira helps organizations solve strategic problems through her Results Driven Innovation workshops. Using the Systematic Inventive Thinking (SIT) method of creativity, Meira can teach anyone how to innovate on demand - after all, creativity is a skill that can be learned. Meira strives to be efficient with her time and is the author of the book How to Make Pesach in 5 Days. As a mother of a large family, Meira understands the stresses of everyday life and when she's not busy stressing from them, she's laughing at them.
Meira can be contacted at meiraspivak@gmail.com or through her website meiraspivak.com
Does self-improvement ever feel like so much work? Today I've got some really good news for you: you're already way further along than you realize.
This week I'm going to help you see the progress you've ALREADY made, even if you only just realized this area is something you want to work on.
This boost will give you the motivation you need, and deserve, to keep at it.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This is a LANDMARK episode for How to Glow because today's guest has had a tremendous influence on the way that I approach coaching and personal development for you all. Rebbetzin Miriam Kosman is a lecturer, teacher, and author of the book Circle, Arrow, Spiral and she joins me today to discuss what gender is all about in Jewish thought and how that might apply to us in our lives and relationships.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
Rivki and I got together to talk about creativity. It was awesome. You should listen. Especially if you don't think you're creative, or you ever had anything be hard, basically, ever.
I finally left social media, after years of thinking about it, considering it, and weighing the pros and cons.
I wanted to share my thought process with you.
Whether your decision is about social media or any other area of your life where you're constantly wavering back and forth, I hope this episode will help you gain some clarity on HOW we can make decisions that we love.
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
Ready for a pep talk? Raquel Kirszenbaum is a popular teacher and speaker and I invited her to come onto the podcast to give us a boost of her energy (she has so much to spare!), positivity, and drive for Torah and a meaningful life. You won't want to miss this one. Make sure to share it with a friend!
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This month we are focusing on Your Big Story--that story that doesn't even feel like a thought, it feels like the TRUTH. It's how you describe your life, how you feel about your life, and if isn't serving you, this is the month for us to find one that will.
Join us for our February topic in my coaching community at kaylalevin.com/coaching
We don't want to have to talk about it, but we do.
Shalom Task Force is an incredible organization and the more we understand how they help, the more we can support them.
Rebecca Saleman is the director of the Shalom Task Force hotline and she gave us a look into what that program provides as well as a general working definition of what makes a relationship abusive.
Have you ever had (or heard) this thought? If he really loved me... he'd remember my birthday, or he'd help me out more, or he'd ask about my day...
We've all been there.
Well, this thought is terrible. It's not just terrible because it feels bad (which it does), it's also terrible because it doesn't get you anywhere productive. Here's how you can check in--imagine yourself thinking this thought. What do you look like? How are you feeling? What are you doing? Now ask: does any of that contribute to you getting more of what you want?
In this week's episode, I'm sharing with you a specific process to go from the "if he really loved me" funk into a truly productive way to approach your marriage.
Other episodes mentioned: Episode 34 - The Five Love Languages Trap
Have you ever wondered what a coaching session is actually like?
If that's a yes, then today will be SO FUN for you! Listening in on someone else getting coached is actually a super powerful way to get your OWN breakthroughs. So I can't wait to hear what you discover from listening to this!
Also, if you're someone with big goals for yourself and your life, I think this session will really speak to you.
[LIMITED TIME! You can get the annual pass to the How to Glow Coaching Program for only $390! Expires at the end of Chanukah. Go to KaylaLevin.com/coaching to sign up now!]
Today I'm going to tell you about the art of being delighted.
I have six tools that will help you open up to what your husband wants to provide for you and actually truly ENJOY receiving that. PLUS you'll find out how to ask for what you already want, and what to do when he just won't give it to you.
Ever been in that place where you KNOW you could drop the issue and move on but you just don't WANT to?
That's what this episode is all about.
The best news is: you get to stay angry if you want. Really, I mean it.
But I want you to decide with so much awareness.
This week I'll walk you through a coaching exercise to decide whether to keep or let go of your anger towards your husband (or really anyone else). Save it and repeat as many times for as many situations as you need.
And if you want to take this all further, join us inside of How to Glow -- Founder pricing is ending soon so get in BEFORE the end of the year and you can get weekly coaching for the amazing price of $39/month. kaylalevin.com/coaching
Are you Glowing? Do you know what that is--and why you might not be? Do you know the power of being in this mode? Today I'm sharing with you one of your most precious resources and what might be holding you back from using it, plus a coaching challenge for you to try out this week!
Visit bit.ly/glowpodcast to subscribe
Want to get coaching to apply this work to your life? I'm there to coach you every week inside of the How to Glow program. Join us at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This week I want to share with you a common trap we can get into when we've done our own self-coaching work. Coaching is amazing, and as we start to feel better and better in our lives, we can miss the big picture. The big picture ISN'T to just keep feeling better and better.
Listen this week as I share what this trap might look like and what's available to us beyond the me-first mentality.
This week I welcome back one of my favorite marriage thought-leaders, the lovely Alison Armstrong. Alison has recently released the audiobook version of her book, The Queens Code and we talked about her work, the effect it had on my marriage, and the benefits of hearing it in audiobook format.
Listen to hear...
- Alison's experience in the creation of this book and audiobook
- Why she chose to make it fiction vs. non-fiction
- How we can feel like a Queen (even if we have big families and/or tight budgets!)
- The power of our "overflow" and "count-on-ability" and how to use these to support our marriages
You can learn more and purchase The Queen's Code Audiobook here.
You know when you did that thing and then you were SO ANNOYED that you did it?
It wasn't just about your self control (and it's certainly not that you're "bad").
You had a really strong urge to do a thing, and fighting it didn't work.
Today I'm going to share with you something way more effective than fighting your urges, whether it's to eat something that isn't good for you, snap at your husband, say that bit of lashon hara, or go on a Target spending spree.
Want to get coaching to apply this work to your life? I'm there to coach you every week inside of the How to Glow program. Join us at kaylalevin.com/coaching
If you've ever fallen into the trap of thinking that more time is the solution to all your marriage issues, this is the episode for you. You might actually be spending TOO MUCH time together. (Especially after the holidays!) Check out this week's episode to find out...
- whether you are spending to much time together
- how to have a strong relationship without resorting to more time and dates
- why a weekly date might not be what you need
- how to manage if you have one introvert and one extrovert
- how to get more time and space without insulting your partner
Subscribe for more at kaylalevin.com
Hi my friends. I did a webinar about a week ago with. Devra from Adai Ad, and I wasn't planning on sending it to the podcast, but I heard back from so many people that it made such a huge difference. That it was exactly the kinds of things that they're worrying about dealing with, struggling with over Yom Tov spending Yom Tov with family, especially if you have young children.
But even if not, managing those dynamics between your husband and your family, or his family, and you and their family and all the different things. Right. Devora had some really phenomenal advice, and of course I'm bringing all the coaching and, um, mindset work and typical relationship things in the whole newlywed experience.
So I asked if it would be okay for me to repost this over here on the podcast. She said yes, because she's awesome and I'm sharing it over here with you. I also wanna let you know that if you're hearing any of this and thinking, okay, but. It sounds really good. I'm not exactly sure how to apply it to my situation or my family, or you know, how we're dealing with things.
We will be working on relationships for the entire month of October. We even have one call during chol hamoed and there will be written coaching. So if you know that you're gonna be needing some support, I am here to support you during that time, and I wanna really, really encourage you to make this the time that you go ahead and join How To Glow Today, because once you're inside, you're gonna have access to the tools that are gonna get you up and running, and you'll be able to get live coaching with me and written coaching. So anytime you have a question, you can just send it in and it'll get back to you within a couple days.
Sometimes even the same day. All right, so this is the way that I have to support you. I know it's making a huge difference for the women that are inside the program, and I really want to be able to help you as well. So you just go to KaylaLevin.com/coaching. You'll be able to sign up immediately and get started on those courses.
So by the time you get to the next call, which we have calls every single week, you'll be ready to go. You'll understand the tools that we use. Everything is made to be really short and simple. So, You're not sitting there watching hours and hours of classes. Nobody has time for that right now, but you could listen while you're doing your cooking or packing, right?
Be ready to get and get some coaching so we can just, let's just fix whatever these issues are so you don't have to be carrying them from year to year. Wouldn't that be amazing? All right, so that is my offer to you, to come inside and join us for October and work on relationships. I will teach you a completely different way to approach relationships. It is not about communication. That will be enough to just show you that it is not what you've heard before , and it is such a massive relief, and it allows you to really appreciate people that you think right now you will never be able to really appreciate.
KaylaLevin.com/coaching. In the meantime, I hope you love this conversation with Devora from Adai Ad
My job as your coach is to help you become an expert in using your brain. Your unique brain, with its individual quirks, yes. But our brains are so much more similar than they are different. Here are some of the things brains do:
Interpret facts and think it’s reality
Focus on what other people are doing and lose self-awareness
Take ourselves really literally (when I think “I can’t do this,” my brain believes me and responds accordingly)
Check out this week’s episode to learn my favorite tools that I use and teach to help us all be experts in using our brains to create the lives we want.
And if you're ready to take this work further, visit https://kaylalevin.com/coaching and join the program to get live coaching and work directly with me on mastering your brain and improving your life.
This week I'm chatting with Rebekah Saltzman, owner of Balagan Be Gone, about how to get ready for yuntif without the stress! I know you'll love her no-nonsense approach, and you'll definitely love the awesome giveaway we have in store for you!
THE GIVEAWAY!
Go to kaylalevin.com/balagan to be entered into the giveaway for...
1 Copy Organized Jewish Life - https://amzn.to/3CZJbzo ($31 value)
1 Copy Organized Jewish Life Shabbat and Holiday Planner - https://amzn.to/3wSW9ef ($18.99 value)
1 Month Free to Journey to Organization Membership - Silver Level ($67 value)
2 3-month Memberships for the How to Glow Community
PLUS every entry will AUTOMATICALLY get a coupon for the each of our memberships!
Winners will be selected October 19. Enter here!
Want to follow Rebekah? Here's where you can find her:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/BalaganBeGone
Facebook Group - https://www.facebook.com/groups/591632997706988
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/balaganbegone/?hl=en
TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@rebekahsaltzman
Want to hear the origin story of How to Glow? (Of course you do.)
What is this whole concept of "glow" anyway?
Check out what one of my community members says about it and what got us here in the first place.
Episode Resources:
How to Glow membership
In this week’s podcast I’m sharing a tool for when your husband is struggling.
There are three situations I’m addressing today:
- When your husband is going through a major transition or priority shift
- When your husband is struggling with something about you (whether that’s in your control or not)
- When your husband is dealing with a crisis (such as mental or health crisis, job loss, death of a family member)
How can we support him without taking responsibility for what he’s struggling with, or rushing in to try to fix it?
Listen today to get a simple tool you can apply in any situation when your husband is struggling.
In Part 2 of this series, I'll be going over solutions for the 5 most common stumbling-blocks in creating a proactive relationship with time and mastering your schedule.
Episode Resources:
Ep. 159 - Get Control of Your Time - Part 1
How to Glow coaching membership
Ep. 2 - Why You Don't Have Enough Time
Ep. 6 - Zero Based Scheduling Update
Ep. 66 – Coronavirus & Zero Based Scheduling on the Fly
Fall is around the corner and many of us are anticipating new routines and structures. Instead of just creating a routine, let's create a schedule we're actually excited to live. This week I'm going to walk you through the five main challenges that you might face when it comes to time. We'll start with awareness and understanding, and dive into strategies and solutions next week.
Episode Resources:
How to Glow coaching membership
Ep. 2 - Why You Don't Have Enough Time
Ep. 6 - Zero Based Scheduling Update
Ep. 66 – Coronavirus & Zero Based Scheduling on the Fly
One of my favorite coaching tools that I developed working with newlyweds is the idea of Baseline Self Care.
This not your typical conversation about self care. This is not just about adding what you enjoy into your schedule. This is about understanding that you function on different levels--and the most critical is when you are functioning below BASELINE.
You know the feeling after pulling an all-nighter? Like you absolutely know you shouldn't make any major decisions? That's called being below baseline.
It's so critical to know what your baseline is because you'll know
a) not to engage in trying to fix anything right now
b) not to evaluate yourself, your husband, or your relationship right now
c) not to take any of your thoughts seriously
Our goal is to get WAY ABOVE baseline--not to get just above it. But our response to being below baseline is like a Code Red. We drop everything, including our judgments, until we are back above baseline.
Take this work further with us inside of How to Glow, the online coaching membership for married Jewish women. kaylalevin.com/coaching
Be Impactful Podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
It's crazy what a 180 we need to go through to go from dating to marriage.
Dating: "Can this guy make me happy?"
Marriage: "It's not his job to make me happy... I make MYSELF happy!"
Is this a cop-out?
Is this even possible?
And what's the point of getting married if he's not going to make me happy?
Check out this week's replay for my two episodes all about the tool of Staying In Your Lane. It's one of the best things you can do for your marriage and your own happiness.
Resources from this week's episode:
The How to Glow Coaching Program
Jewish Money Matters podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
Today I'm excited to bring you a conversation with Lauren Seidman, a down-to-earth, relatable, and super knowledgeable childbirth educator who runs online classes and also shares her knowledge at her Instagram account @birth_positive
This is a long overdue topic for us here! The more knowledgeable we are, the more we can advocate for ourselves and feel confident in the process.
Looking forward to hearing your feedback!
Resources from this week's episode:
How to Glow online community
Lauren's website
Lauren's Instagram account
Ever notice that the things that cause you the most stress are sometimes the exact thing you most wanted? Once upon a time we only dreamed of getting to know and understand our husbands better, have children, or land that exact job. And once we have them, it's so easy to forget and to allow those same things to overwhelm us and stress us out.
It's such a simple re-frame, but it can feel life changing when you need it. Make sure to listen this week to hear how to apply this in your life. Can't wait to hear from you about what dream you are living!
Resources from this week's episode:
Project Honeymoon: KaylaLevin.com/newlywed (Please share!)
How to Glow: KaylaLevin.com/coaching (Opens for registration the 28th)
The Franciska Show: Spotify Apple Podcasts
Ready for a tool that will make you feel like an undercover superhero?
The Invisible Cape is THE magic trick to pull you out of the keeping-up-with-the-Cohens mentality. Because we ALL have our areas where we feel compelled to compete.
This tool is one of my longtime listeners' and current clients' favorites--so I know you'll love it. And if you've heard it before, we can all use a refresh.
Ready to take this work deeper? Doors open at the end of the month for my monthly membership coaching program, How to Glow. You can get on the waitlist now at kaylalevin.com/coaching
See you inside!
This week I'm sharing our family's news which is why I've been MIA so far this summer. I'm also beginning our summer series where we'll be bringing back some of our listeners' most favorite episodes. This week is The Dreaded Housework--how can we use coaching concepts to improve our relationship with our more mundane parts of life?
This was originally a two-part episode--we are including both in this week's replay.
Sources from this episode:
Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing.
The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst)
Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work
This week we kick off our July How to Glow Take-over with Illana Kendal, author of Choosing Up. Enjoy this episode replay and don't miss registration in the coming days to get into the community for July.
Register Here
Enjoy
If you've been struggling to stay on track with a decision you made, this episode is for you.
So often, we make decisions when what we should be making are goals.
What's the difference? A decision is one-and-done. A goal is a process. If you think you're making a decision but you really need a goal, you'll end up weakening your faith in yourself and creating a lot of extra frustration. If you set a goal that could easily just be a decision, you're spinning your wheels on work you don't need to do.
Listen this week to learn how to distinguish between a goal and a decision, how to make each, and how to stick to it.
I'm so excited to have Yael Trusch, financial expert and Torah teacher, on this week to discuss our thoughts about money.
How do we not get too wrapped up in money?
What if our financial situation is keeping us from being happy?
Can you be wealthy AND holy? What does that look like?
I know you'll love this conversation--can't wait to hear your thoughts.
AND Yael will be our guest coach inside of How to Glow in June so you can learn more from her by signing up for How to Glow at kaylalevin.com/coaching!
Want to learn more about Yael? Check out her website here.
If you've found yourself saying "yes" to too many things simply because it's so hard to say "no"... whether because you hate to disappoint others or you want to be nice or you just can't stand the awkward moment.. this week's podcast is for you.
I want to show you what's on the other side of learning how to say no. What's on the other side is true giving.
When you are willing and able to say "no" when someone asks you to do something you really don't want to or is outside your comfort zone, then when you say "yes" it's a true yes.
This week I'll help you check in on your people-pleasing tendencies and get you excited for the huge benefits of real giving.
Oh, and here are some links that came up this week:
Get the Marriage Check-In Workbook, FREE on my website
Say hello over on Instagram and celebrate 200k with me!
Learn how to get coached and take this all to the next level.
Today I want to talk to you about the idea of how we relate to one another's feelings and how that relates to the idea that our own thoughts create our feelings.
Specifically, we're going to take this into our marriages:
- "I want to be happy" turns into "I need my husband to do xyz so I will be happy"
- "I want my husband to be happy" becomes "I'm responsible to do everything he says will make him happy"
On the other end of the spectrum, we could go too far-- taking NO responsibility for our behavior, having no sensitivity to what the other person wants or cares about, and washing our hands of it by saying, "well, it's HIS thoughts that made him upset, not me."
Want to dive deeper into this work? Doors open soon for How to Glow and I'd love to have you join us! Just head over to kaylalevin.com/coaching to find out more.
Rachel Glasser kept seeing comments on the Frum Girl Problems Facebook group about mother-in-law dynamics that were directly addressed in the research she had done about this relationship, so she decided to share her findings.
I saw her post and immediately invited her onto the podcast. I loved our conversation. Having gone through all the major studies about in-law relationships in the last sixty years, Rachel has so much to share about the most common pitfalls in these relationships, the advantages or working on the relationship, and specific ways we can go about this.
What was surprising to you about what Rachel had to share?
Has your brain felt noisy lately?
I noticed a tendency to reach for a podcast or shiur when I had a lot on my mind and some housework that needed to get done.
And when I paid attention, I found (probably not surprisingly) that once the podcast was over, my brain felt just as noisy as before. Sometimes more so.
So I've adopted a check-in with myself:
If my brain is noisy, what I need is silence.
If my brain feels calm, I might want to listen to something. (Or I might just want to enjoy the quiet!)
It's so simple, but it's been a game changer.
We don't need to listen to anything to get ourselves up and going. When you give your brain some space to do it's thing, you'll be amazed what it can work out on its own.
And if you are feeling spacious (or aren't there yet but want to understand this better)--make sure to check out this week's episode where I go into this whole concept much more deeply.
I am so excited to bring you this interview with Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, founder of TheShmuz.com and author of the new book, 10 Really Dumb Mistakes that Very Smart Couples Make.
We dove into a really interesting discussion about how men and women communicate differently, how we perceive and give criticism differently, and how changing our approach can have a powerful impact on our marriages.
Referenced in this episode:
Check out Rabbi Shafier's book here
To learn more about TheShmuz.com
Sometimes it's not about coaching yourself, it's about acceptance.
It's so easy to fall for the myth that we're supposed to always feel good.
Ironically, thinking we're always supposed to feel good... feels terrible.
It creates so much resistance.
Today I'm sharing one of my "one of those days" days. And I know you have them, too. Here's how we can allow them, which actually allows us to tap into a deeper level of our own truth and helps us move past and through so much more easily.
I love Purim + Thought Work!
So many women struggle on Purim. It's normal-- but it's not necessary.
Tune in to hear how you can make a thought-plan for Purim to make it a day more meaningful and enjoyable (yes even with the wildness, the mess, the over-sugared kids, and the vomiting husband)!
Want to join us next month? We'd love to have you in our community! kaylalevin.com/coaching to get on the wait list!
Pursuing happiness tends to make it even more elusive.
Most of the women I know and work with know that sitting on the couch with bonbons when life is feeling a little unsatisfying is not going to do the trick. So in this ongoing conversation about self-care, I’m going to make another distinction that I think can help us.
There are activities that make your life better..
and there’s rest.
And both are critical.
When we use “self-care-type activities” to FEEL BETTER (to feel happy, fulfilled, enjoying our life), I’m not sure it’s so effective.
When we rest because we are so drained or depleted that there are no happy thoughts to think, (or–please–catch yourself before you get to this point when you can) we set ourselves up to rejoin a life that has meaning and purpose which then leads to real fulfillment and happiness.
You can rest on your couch or at a 5-star-spa for all I care, but know that your rest isn’t going to give you what you really need. It’s crucial, but it’s function is just to get you back in the game.
It's about to be one of the busiest seasons of the year and I want to give you a skill to get back a lot of your time.
One of the main reasons we waste time is called buffering. Buffering is any time we engage in an activity and we lose out in the end--usually to avoid some negative emotion, whether that's loneliness, disconnection, boredom, anxiety... pick your poison :)
Today I'll go over how to identify your buffers, why it's so crucial that you learn the skill of NOT buffering, and how you can go about it.
This week we are revisiting and going deeper on the whole idea of mashpia/mekabel AKA provider/receiver.
What does this concept mean in the context of a Jewish marriage?
What is the Jewish ideal for how a woman "receives"?
What have we picked up from other cultures about what it means to be provided for, and what downsides does that bring?
How can we strengthen ourselves without burning ourselves out or neglecting our own needs?
Excited to share this episode with you.
If you want to take this work deeper, make sure to join us in How to Glow next month at kaylalevin.com/coaching
This week I'm offering you a tool to help you get more clear on what you want from your marriage.
So much of the time, we "hint" at what we want and really believe we've been clear.
There are a few tools I teach to help you do a self-check of whether your communication was clear enough and what to do about the vulnerability we feel when we make a real, authentic request from our husband.
Ready to take this work further?
kaylalevin.com/coaching
This episode is a long time coming! Many women struggle with feeling a REALLY strong negative reaction when their husband is sick--whether annoyance, judgement, resentment, frustration, even fear.
This. Is. Normal.
Even very lovely, wonderful, nurturing women struggle with this.
Today I'm going to help you with what to do about it.
HOT TOPIC today, ladies.
Whether this is relevant to you personally or not, I encourage you to listen for the tools I share in the context of this question.
UPDATE: As of the posting of this episode, doors are open for How to Glow! GET IN TODAY for my best tools, live and written coaching, and the chance to hear other people get coached and grow from that! https://kaylalevin.com/coaching
This week I'll be discussing...
- How to know when you need acceptance/thought work vs. a boundary
- How to deal with internal triggers
- The effect that western society has had on both women AND men -- and how understanding it will help you navigate this
- How to have a productive conversation when you've been hurt
This week I want to offer some really practical solutions for when life--or your marriage--is getting really hard.
- When you should NOT be trying to do thought work
- How to get past "cliche" forms of self care to something that would really be helpful for you
- The role our lower brain plays in our well-being and how to deal with your nervous system
- Clarify what your signs are that you're spiraling
- How to use your brain to help you find solutions when you're feeling stuck
Registration opens at the end of the month for How to Glow. Join us here: kaylalevin.com/coaching
"I had an idea for a podcast topic that I don't think you covered. It is actually relevant to current (Jewish) events lately. I want to know what to do when you or your spouse is having a crisis and is not dealing with it properly. Or if there is a crisis in the world that you or your spouse is taking very hard and not functioning as they normally do. If it is you, that is one thing but what do you do when it is your spouse? Especially when it comes at a busy/high stress/just wrong time?"
This is such a relevant question right now.
Listen to this week's episode to hear the following tools to help when your husband is struggling to navigate a stressful time...
- How to use self-awareness to reduce resistance
- "Zooming out" to create patience and long-term vision for your marriage
- Asking powerful questions to create meaningful solutions
- Shifting from "needs" to get yourself out of victim mode
Get more support inside my private membership coaching program, How to Glow.
Not to be contrary, but this week we'll be talking about why you might need to take a BREAK from setting goals.
This episode is for you if you have a goal that's been lingering for a while that you just can't seem to work up the motivation to achieve.
Listen to hear...
- Some "symptoms" that you are in need of a goals detox
- How tying your self worth to your accomplishments is actually making it harder for you to achieve your goals
- Why taking a break from having any goals will allow you to reset your entire approach
- How accepting where you are now and loving yourself as you are is your fastest track to growth
I'd love to hear your thoughts and what goals you're ready to let go of! Be in touch at kaylalevin.com
We talk a lot on here about getting our needs met, because that's one of the main questions I get as a marriage coach.
Today I want to share two tools that will help you get more of what you want--whether specifically in your marriage or in your life as a whole.
Listen this week to learn:
- The main reason you aren't pursuing what you want
- Clear, doable strategies to help you clarify what you really want in your life
- How taking pleasure in your life now creates more momentum for pursuing your goals
- Where easy dopamine sources might be blocking you from pursuing your goals and loving your life
Registration opens soon for How to Glow. Make sure you're on the wait list at www.kaylalevin.com/coaching!
When we say "marriage is hard" we mean to encourage. We mean to empathize, to validate, to normalize the struggles that can so often happen in marriage.
But I want you to know that there's a major negative impact of saying this so unquestioningly.
Make sure you listen this week as I pull in thought work to understand why the phrase "marriage is hard" can be one of the biggest disservices we do for one another and for ourselves, and why I think we should all chuck this well-intentioned phrase right out of our collective vocabulary.
This week I'm teaching you how to manage when you are TIRED. When you're up a lot at night, or have a very schleppy life-situation, or an extremely physically demanding job.
Often we make the mistake of thinking that thought work doesn't apply to our physical experience. I've seen time and time again that this is not true. Our thoughts about our discomfort create the true bulk of our experience.
Whatever your situation, I invite you to listen this week to hear...
-
How to stop resisting and adding drama to physically demanding parts of your life
-
The real benefits you can gain when you embrace physical discomfort
-
How to get out of "energy scarcity" -- when you're worried about spending energy now because you might not have it later
-
How to trust yourself to make decisions about how to take care of your body
Join us next month in my membership program, How to Glow, and bring any of your questions about this topic or others to our live coaching calls! kaylalevin.com/coaching
Mentioned in this episode:
Ellen Langer Study
Ellen Langer books
Happy Chanukah! This week I'm on vacation but I wanted to send you a blast-from-the-past--this episode was originally aired all the way back in August of 2019! Hard to believe. It's a great reminder of how we can use the idea of the Five Love Languages to help ourselves--not to make us feel like we are missing out in what we need from our husbands.
Want more? Go to kaylalevin.com/coaching and join the wait list for access to my Marriage Check-In workbook and to find out when doors open next for How to Glow!
UPDATE: How to Glow is now open for registration--but only for THREE DAYS! Make sure you get your spot at kaylalevin.com/coaching Can't wait to see you inside!!
This is a perfect continuation of the Real Goals podcast. Last week I discussed how we can use goals as a way of beating ourselves up or invalidating everything between here and there…
Having your back means that no matter what, you don’t use your failures to condemn or hate yourself.
In this episode you will learn:
Why we SHOULD call them failures
Why you want to embrace your failures
How to love yourself and be proud of yourself when you fail big
How to dream big without burnout
How to create a goal that gets you really excited
How to break the habit of beating yourself up in an attempt to be better
Have an audacious goal you want to commit to loving yourself through? I'd love to help you do this work--join us inside How to Glow and let's get to it!
In today's episode I'm sharing with you a more nuanced, human way to use goals that will serve you so much better than traditional goal-setting.
In this episode you will learn...
- How to set "Real Goals"
- Why your goals won't always be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-bound)
- How goals help keep your brain proactive
- How goals help with your brain's natural negativity bias
- How to NOT use goals against yourself
Episode References
Circle, Arrow, Spiral by Miriam Kosman
How to Glow Coaching Program
This week we are in our second of the four self-mastery skills that will move us into Glow energy!
A few updates before we get started
- The Modern Jewish Girl podcast is awesome! If you know anyone exploring Judaism, send them her way!
- Lots of questions coming in about How to Glow! I'm sharing some details with you about what it will look like inside: We will have a monthly Topic Call and two Q&A calls where you can get coached live or submit questions in advance. I'm also offering my three signature courses inside: Time Management, Foundations, and the First Year Married Online Course.
How to Glow is open for membership from November 28-30.
Today's skill is Being in Your Lane.
It's simple and you can use it all the time.
First I want you to notice what happens when you get busy with "his lane"--what he's doing, what you think he SHOULD be doing, and all those things.
- Where does it take you? How do you show up? How do you feel? Are you effective now?
- Does it work? No! Resisting and judging doesn't really change what's happening. It's not effective.
What do you get to experience when you're in your lane? Focused on your goals, your power, your possibilities...
- This is so much more fun!
- And more effective--we are engaged in an area where we can make changes
- Choose what you want to create with the reality or situation you are in
Want more support? Join us inside How to Glow to get all your coaching questions answered.
Lots of announcements this week but I'm also really excited to share this skill with you.
BIG NEWS!
1: The podcast name is changing -- so keep your eyes out next week for How to Glow! This new name reflects a change in my focus--to serve Jewish married women of all ages and stages.
2: The How to Glow Membership coaching program is launching this Chanukah! Coaching is going to become available to more Jewish women--women with busy lives, busy budgets, and who deserve coaching support more than anyone! Make sure to get on the waitlist to hear when doors open for registration at firstyearmarried.com/coaching
Managing your emotions is way bigger than you might realize. When you can manage your emotions you can get yourself to do whatever you need to.
It's the first of the four fundamental self-mastery skills that really allow you to live the life you want. (Stay tuned for the next three episodes to hear the remaining skills!)
The only reason we don't accomplish our goals is that we aren't willing to feel a feeling.
Here's a simple process to work on managing your emotions:
-
Pick ONE specific goal you have
-
Think about where you aren't following through right now
-
Identify what emotion you'd have to feel if you were to follow through anyway (it will be a negative emotion)
-
Commit to feeling that feeling for three seconds at a time
Give it a try and let me know how it goes! Want some coaching to help you with this tool? Make sure you're on the waitlist for the How to Glow membership so you can join us this Chanukah!
Meredith Boggs is back this week and we are continuing our discussion about social media and its impact on our marriages.
Listen to hear:
- The value of giving ourselves some time in the morning before getting on our smartphones.
- Us busting the myth that anyone can “do it all”
- Why there is no shame in admitting you get help!
- How to stop the scroll once and for all
Get Meredith’s Stop the Scroll download at her website.
This week I’m chatting with Meredith Boggs about social media and our homes. Meredith is a speaker, writer, podcaster and blogger who focuses on "The Other Half" -- in her words, "real life that doesn’t make the highlight reel."
On today’s call, we’re discussing…
- Simple changes that help you to be present with your husband and family when home
- Can we really “win” over the media giants that are trying to capture our attention?
- How do we get out of compare and despair when we see our peer’s lives online
- How to maintain real, authentic relationships in a social media world
Please let us know what YOUR systems and strategies are! If you're on Instagram, tag Meredith @meredithwboggs and me @firstyearmarried so we can continue the discussion!
More from Meredith:
Website
Podcast
Have your attempts to evaluate your marriage ever ended in a spin-out of anxiety or negativity?
If so, there's a simple and straightforward solution.
Generating Love Confidence before moving into any troubleshooting will allow you to troubleshoot from an empowered and clear space.
Listen to this week's episode to learn:
- How to generate more confidence in your marriage
- How to evaluate your marriage without freaking out
- How to feel good about your marriage without putting blinders on about what could be fixed
H/T to my business coach Stacey Boehman for the foundation of this concept, which I adjusted from business to marriage.
Make sure you're on my email list for goodies, workbooks, and news about upcoming coaching opportunities! www.firstyearmarried.com
Updates:
- First 5 Mastermind registration closes soon! Book a consult call here to learn more. Wednesdays at 2 PM Eastern.
- Another group for women married longer is forming as well. Email me at kayla@firstyearmarried.com to join the wait list.
Coming off the whirlwind of Jewish holidays, I feel like everyone is talking about taking things off your to-do list.
I won't be doing that.
I'd like to talk about making your to-do list easier.
The mistake we make (and I have a long Shabbos prep saga to share the idea) is that we are constantly shifting between decision making and execution.
Instead of giving ourselves the chance to move into flow and get to work on a task, we question the task, reevaluate it, and often change tracks midway.
This week I'll be teaching you a simple tool to get more done with less time, simplifying your life--which I figure is one of the best ways to achieve a happy marriage.
In this episode you will learn:
- How to have an efficient planning session even if you are super overwhelmed
- How to get more done with less mental energy burn
- How to experience flow even in less glamorous tasks
- How to stay in execution mode and follow the plan you set
Registration is open now for my Fall Mastermind. Register here to grab your spot! If you have any questions you can book a consult here.
Today I'm sharing my vision of what is possible for us when we are dedicated to our marriages. Come along with me to hear and get inspired by the ripple effects of this one relationship being on solid, loving ground.
Even beyond the value of being happy and confident in your marriage, I'll show you how your marriage effects
- your personal growth
- your parenting (even if you don't have kids yet)
- your emotional well-being
- the technical running of your life
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is step back and take the long view, regain clarity, and then step back in.
Heads up! The Fall Newlywed Mastermind opens for registration on Sunday JUST for the people on the waitlist so make sure you’re signed up.
We are now up to part THREE where we are bringing together our introspection work with our big dreams.
Here are two concepts before we go into application mode.
- It’s important not to judge our result of how we’re showing up as a wife based on how our husband feels. That doesn’t mean we don’t get to be empathetic, intuitive, or compassionate. But when my goal is to make him happy, I’m trying to take control of something that is not mine to own. His feelings are his.
- It’s also helpful to remember that any work you’re doing, whether that’s these workbooks or reading marriage books or joining the Mastermind, is not for him. So it isn’t “unfair” that you’re working on your marriage and he’s not. You’re doing it for you.
The best way to make change is to take one of your goals, find something specific you can do, and then cut it down to the smallest possible version. Want to be warmer to your husband? Look him in the eye and smile at him for two seconds when he arrives home from work. Choosing a habit that is easy to do means it will snowball. And then give yourself credit when you’ve completed it!
What you’ll learn in this episode
- What it means to take too much responsibility
- Why making our husband happy can’t ultimately be our goal
- How to be ok with a husband who you think should feel “better” or act differently
- How to create habits
Sources
The Fall Mastermind Wait List
Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg
The Final Elul Your Marriage Workbook
This week we go from our introspection and accounting energy (last week’s podcast) into the “fresh notebook” energy of Elul. It’s time to set our goals, and I challenge you to do this from “big-dream” energy, not “what I think I can get” energy.
Download your episode workbook here: firstyearmarried.com/ep-119-elul-your-marriage-part-2-dreams-and-connection/
In this week’s podcast you’ll learn
- How to set goals for what you REALLY want in your marriage
- How to get out of victim or blame mode and make effective changes in your marriage
- How to dream bigger without fear that you can’t have what you really want
Also, a reminder! The Newlywed mastermind is opening for registration SOON! Make sure you're on the wait list! firstyearmarried.com/coaching/
We're going to be using everything we know about the month of Elul and introspecting and reflecting and GROWING to benefit our marriages.
Join us by signing up for the email list at firstyearmarried.com -- I LOVE the workbooks I'm preparing for you all and can't wait to share them with you!
If you haven't done my Marriage Check-In mini-workbook yet, that's the best place to start (totally FREE when you join the email list) and more marriage-enhancing goodies coming your way all month!
Final thought: as you sign up, consider what helps you stay engaged and accountable. Whether that means you grab a buddy to do this together, get an accountability partner, repost to social as you go, or anything else you dream up.
Download the workbook here.
Chodesh tov! Listen this week to hear why Elul is the PERFECT time to introspect on your marriage.
Join me for my month-long email program where I'll be helping you take stock, set goals, and get more perspective on your marriage:
www.firstyearmarried.com and join the email list!
Sometimes even when we know a thought is not serving us, we still can't let it go. I call these "sticky thoughts." This week I'm walking you through how you can work with even the stickiest thoughts and improve your happiness and love your life more.
Interested in working with me? I have opened my schedule for private meetings for women considering joining the next group coaching program. Go to firstyearmarried.com/coaching to book your appointment.
Dating. It’s all about “do we have the same values?” “Do we want the same things?” And some version of, “can I be happy with him?”
Marriage. It’s a journey of learning, knowing, and seeing the other person fully, accepting them unconditionally.
Could they be any more different?
To go from one to another is a process. In this week’s episode, I’m going to show you how you can help your brain if it’s stuck in Dating Mindset (even once you’re married!), evaluating and wishing your husband would be different than he is.
In this episode you will learn:
- What is a Dating Mindset and a Marriage Mindset?
- How we use exploration and curiosity in both phases
- How to transition from a Dating to a Marriage Mindset
- Why it’s not a problem for it to take some time and what to do if it does
Get on the wait list for the next Marriage Mastermind at www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching
Our brain is kind of like Google. We can ask it a question like, ‘does my boss like me?’ and it’ll spit back results - right?
Wrong.
No sirree.
Big fat no.
Our brain is NOT like Google. It gives us results to questions we didn’t even ask it. And those results can be terrifying sometimes (read: often). But once you understand how your brain’s search engine works, you can actually take control of it.
I have Elisheva Storch back again this week for part 2 about our conversation about hair covering and sheitals. This time we're talking about maintaining the wig, working with a stylist, and some common mistakes that many wig owners make.
Elisheva's passion for this mitzvah really shines through and I love that she shares so generously with our audience!
Here's the story of Charlene Aminoff, as referenced in the podcast
You can find Elisheva on Instagram at @elisheva_wigs_atlanta
Get on the mailing list for all the FYM fun: www.firstyearmarried.com
Welcome to our #Jewsode - Elisheva Storch is our hair covering guru, discussing all about how Jewish women who have chosen to cover their hair can make the process more enjoyable, plus how to manage the world of sheitals (AKA wig) purchasing.
- Are you destined to hate your first wig?
- Is wig covering hard for everyone?
- How can we bring this mitzvah into our awareness and connection to Hashem?
Elisheva has so much to share--enjoy! And make sure you are subscribed for part 2!
Find Elisheva on Instagram at @elisheva_wigs_atlanta
This week I'm sharing with you my thoughts about our thoughts--and how busy and attached we can get with them.
(This is an advanced episode, so if you're new here I invite you to go back to some of the earlier episodes and revisit this one later.)
To get on the interest list for my next round of group coaching, go to firstyearmarried.com/coaching
For a lot of my clients, preparing for Pesach meant getting ready to spend time in situations or with people where they just didn’t feel they could be themselves. They felt judged, self conscious, or just otherwise stifled.
So I want to share with you a simple paradigm that will take you from insecure to confident.
We’ll do this by examining what is really happening for us when we feel insecure, what artificial confidence is and why we do it, and how to create genuine, authentic confidence in any moment. (You’ll see you already do it a lot.)
Make sure you’re on my wait list to take this work deeper with my next Mastermind group at www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching
This could be the most important episode you listen to.
I’m sharing this week my journey, and that of my client, as we create more space for integration in a world that is so full of content.
It wasn’t easy or comfortable.
It was more profound and rewarding than either of us could have imagined.
Book recommendation: Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport
Homework: Create space for integration by choosing one task (ie laundry, dishes, driving to work) that you will do with no audio input. Allow your brain to come up with what you’ll be thinking about.
Once you’ve listened, I’d love you to join the conversation. You can do that by emailing me at kayla @ firstyearmarried.com or going to https://anchor.fm/firstyearmarried to leave an audio note (click on where it says “message”--please keep audio notes under 1 minute so we can include them in a future episode!)
I look forward to hearing from you!
To make sure you are on the wait list for my next Mastermind group, go to firstyearmarried.com/coaching
Welcome back! For Part 2, Noach and I continue to share communication ideas and tools to help you have a happier Pesach.
Make sure to join the mailing list to get updates and coaching tools at www.firstyearmarried.com
Enjoy!
This week Noach and I are answering your questions about getting ready for Pesach (aka Passover)--as it applies to your marriage, extended relationships, and general sanity.
Enjoy!
If you're looking for more support, registration is open for a few more days for the Newlywed Mastermind. Get details and register here: firstyearmarried.com/coaching
[The Newlywed Mastermind is open for registration for the March cohort! What in the WORLD are you waiting for?! www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching]
Who says coaching has to be complicated?
In this week's episode, I'm sharing a quick tip for building more positivity, commitment, and love in your relationship... and you can do the entire thing yourself. Working on your marriage isn't always about the heavy lifting--sometimes, it's a small shift in mindset and a tiny detail.
Also, coffee.
(Photo by Takahiro Sakamoto on Unsplash)
Hey friends! This one was a re-record thanks to technical difficulties but I think take two turned out even better for you!
This week I'm talking about what you want. No, not the simple fluffy "I feel like a VANILLA latte" type of wanting, but what you REALLY want, what lights you up--and what to do if you don't even remember.
But we're also going to take it another level deeper and learn a skill about using the language of "want" when you are working towards your goals--whether that's a career, family, educational, or spiritual goal. This one's gonna be a game changer for you.
Want to take this work deeper?
Make sure you're registered for the next Mastermind. Spots are limited. www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching
This week we're talking about what the "dream" is in your marriage -- and why you might already be living it without even realizing it.
Also, I ramble a lot.
...and use the phrase "pea in a cup" EXTENSIVELY -- but it's not like the kind at the doctor.
Ennnnjoy!
More stuff: www.firstyearmarried.com
Mastermind (because obvs): www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching
What struggles are you dealing with that could actually be a non-issue?
How do we find the mental obstacles we've created?
When you set a compelling goal, your brain has a heyday. Lucky us, right?
But what's awesome about that is it gives you a chance to see WHAT your brain has been offering you all the time. (It just gets louder.)
So this week I'm taking you on a mini coaching session (workbook included at www.firstyearmarried.com on the podcast episode page) to find your obstacles, clarify your goal, and live the dream.
Also... make sure you're on the wait list to find out when new coaching spots become available and new workshops are offered!
This week I'm addressing a really common situation I've heard from a surprising number of you! Dealing with EXTRA in-law time when your family is far away and you can't see them due to COVID.
BUT even if that's not your highly-specific scenario, I want you to know that I'm also teaching a new tool that you will DEFINITELY want to use in your self-coaching! So don't miss this one.
By the way, make sure you're on the email list. Really good stuff coming your way soon. You don't want to miss it.
You can sign up at firstyearmarried.com
Your feedback on part 1 was awesome and here's the second installment. This week you'll hear all about how we've used self-coaching tools to improve our marriage and deal with challenges that have come our way.
More from Kayla at www.firstyearmarried.com (make sure you're subscribed to the email list!)
Learn more about the self-coaching model by Brooke Castillo that we reference in the episode at thelifecoachschool.com
In honor of our 100th episode (WHAATTTTT!!!), The Husband (AKA Noah) is interviewing me this week. 99 episodes of editing this podcast has given him a lot of ideas of what he'd LIKE to hear me talk about! In the first half of this interview, we discuss newlywed cooking meltdowns, a devastating loss during shana rishona, the challenge of aliya, and how our marriage has transformed over the years.
Happy Chanukah everyone!
Rabbi Tatz Marriage shiur on SimpletoRemember.com (part 1)
Rabbi Tatz Marriage shiur on SimpletoRemember.com (part 2)
Rabbi Orlofsky: Eretz Yisrael and the Geulah
As we wrap up 2020 I wanted to share a simple tool that can have a profound impact on how you experience your marriage: the Marriage Check-In.
Now, there are ways in which just generally thinking about our marriages can actually lead us unintentionally into negativity and worry.
A structured process allows us to guide our brains to help us to think creatively and proactively so we find answers that will give us the biggest real-life benefit.
To get the PDF, go to www.FirstYearMarried.com and join the email list. You'll get it in your inbox!
Enjoy!
Kayla
Wife, mom of five, and... Olympic marathon candidate?!
Beatie is going to blow your mind with her story about how she took up running to get herself back to being active and ended up as a professional runner for Israel and a candidate for the Tokyo Olympics.
Not only is her journey incredible, but she speaks from such a real place about the struggle of taking care of yourself, especially while growing a family, and the value of exercise for each person--marathon runner or not!
She is such an amazing example of tuning into what feeds her deeply and making space for it in her life. And look where that took her!
So whether you're looking for general inspiration for self care or to rethink your approach to exercise, make sure you check out this episode.
You can find Beatie on Instagram @marathonmother and Facebook
And don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you can catch each new episode!
Enjoy!
(Heads up: I'm calling this one a #Jewsode because it is PARTICULARLY specific to the religious Jewish world. All are welcome to listen and apply as you like, of course, but since the content is inherently about Jewish life, this episode may be less generally applicable than usual.)
I've had several requests, especially during COVID, to talk about husbands who are skipping minyan (prayers), not going to shul or praying at all, or otherwise not doing what you expected in the spiritual realm.
In this episode, I'm taking you through a simple exercise to help you identify why you're feeling triggered by his behavior and get some space so you aren't so reactive. So grab some paper :)
At the end of the episode, I also discuss the concept of a woman's olam haba being tied up in her husband's learning and how to not let that idea make you go totally bonkers when he slacks off, and also how to pursue your values in a way that's truly effective and doesn't generate all this stress and anxiety.
** My husband pointed out that I didn't translate all the words! So here's your glossary (and some helpful articles) if you need it.
minyan - prayer quorum
daven - pray
olam haba - the world to come
Shacharis (or Shacharit) - morning prayer
On the two year anniversary of my "diaversary" - the date of my type 1 diabetes diagnosis - I wanted to talk about how we use thought work when we can't improve a situation.
We focus a lot on what we can change--SO MUCH more is in our power than we realize.
But sometimes it's not in our control. What do we do with that?
www.firstyearmarried.com
Don't miss Part 2 of my interview with Alison Armstrong!
Here are a few gems she shares:
- Your husband ACCEPTS YOU FULLY (and what that actually mean)
- Your husband manages his energy and motivation differently than you do.
- How men change throughout their development, and how we change, too (but differently)
- How to communicate with your husband so that he'll WANT to help
LEARN MORE:
Alison Armstrong's programs can be found at her website UnderstandMen.com
I strongly recommend her two books, Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen's Code
Alison refers to our natural time schedules and the website thepowerofwhenquiz.com
Learn more about coaching with Kayla at FirstYearMarried.com (not just for newlyweds!)
To hear my previous interview with Alison, listen to Episodes 50 and Episode 51
WHOOPEE! One of my absolute favorite humans, teachers, thought leaders, the marvelous Alison Armstrong, is back on the podcast this week!!
We talked about what newlyweds come up against--the frustrations and struggles--and how they reappear at each stage along the line.
Mainly, you'll learn about expectations: how they change when we get married (for ourselves and for our partners) and how we often realize they're there a little too late.
I know you'll enjoy this episode so much!
LEARN MORE:
Alison Armstrong's programs can be found at her website UnderstandMen.com
I strongly recommend her two books, Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen's Code
Learn more about Kayla's upcoming Mastermind Group Program and 1:1 Coaching at FirstYearMarried.com (not just for newlyweds!)
To hear my previous interview with Alison, listen to Episodes 50 and Episode 51
Hi friends! I wasn't planning to post my Zoom conversation with Ilana last week onto the podcast, but it was just so darn good that I had to! Enjoy the inspiration from Ilana Kendal who will teach you on this episode about how to use storytelling to channel personal growth, plus you'll get a peek into our very first FYM book club book. It's fun, we had fun, and I'm excited to share it with you.
We'll be having Ilana back on in early December to answer your questions about the book, and I'll be sharing my thoughts as I work my way through her book.
You can buy Choosing Up! from www.mosaicapress.com with the code FYM10 for 10% off
Or find the book on Amazon
In this episode I'm sharing my somewhat unusual take on new year's resolutions.
Whether you celebrate now or in January (or heck whenever you feel like it), this episode will help you think about your goals in a way that will be more compelling and more sustainable than the goals you've tried before.
Join the mailing list at www.firstyearmarried.com
Or you can apply here for 1:1 coaching
This week we're diving into the idea of your relationship with Others--this can be the closer relationships like parents, siblings, and in-laws, or more distant relationships like coworkers or neighbors.
We usually run a paradox in our minds: "I wish you were less like you" and "I want us to have an authentic relationship."
But an authentic relationship means we accept the other person AS THEY ARE.
Your brain wants to believe that if they changed you'd feel better. But the reality is, if you stopped resisting them as they are, you would IMMEDIATELY feel better.
Crazy, no?
So join us this week as we talk about dropping the resistance, allowing ourselves to stop trying to please everyone else and show up in an authentic way,
So many times, we go outside of ourselves for answers that are ours to decide.
We ask, "how is my relationship doing?" and then wait, looking for clues to tell us.
But if a relationship is, at its essence, just the thoughts you have about a person and your connection...
Then you're the one who gets to pick how it's doing.
What do you want to choose to think on purpose about your marriage?
This week I'll walk you through this exercise.
Your relationship with yourself is nothing more than the sum total of your thoughts about yourself.
It’s not more profound.
It’s not more literal.
And, despite popular belief, finding out WHY you have negative opinions of yourself is not always necessary. In fact, it can be counterproductive when this “research” into our thinking inadvertently reinforces the opinion.
Wanna know the good news?
If it's all about your thoughts, you can change them.
Listen this week to find out how.
Other episodes on this topic:
First Year Married: Shame Won't Make You a Better Wife
The Life Coach School Podcast
LADIES I have such a treat for you this week! This conversation is such a total shift from what we normally talk about and SO IMPORTANT! I often get questions from women about how being tired/pregnant/sick/hormonal fits into thought work. This conversation, with occupational therapist/homeschooling supermom Chava Neiditch goes deep into our own individual profiles of what we need to stay regulated, balanced, and centered and how we all vary so much from one another. This is a fabulous episode if you're a parent but a must listen if you're a human being. Enjoy!
Last week we covered everything pre-and-during pregnancy. On this week's episode, Lauren Ohayon is answering questions about post-partum recovery and what myths we need to break about our bodies and what fitness is all about to take the best care of our bodies and ourselves.
Sources from this episode:
Restore Your Core
One Strong Mama
@thelaurenohayon on Instagram
This week I'm so excited to bring you Lauren Ohayon of the popular Restore Your Core and One Strong Mama programs. Lauren is a body expert who guides her clients to prepare for healthy births and recovery. I asked Lauren to come on and share with us, since I've had so many questions about preparing for and recovering from a first pregnancy. Whatever type of birth you are aiming for, I just love how Lauren describes how the body works and functions in a way that is totally understandable and holistic.
We morphed from interview to conversation, but I think you'll really enjoy eavesdropping on that so I included our conversation on our brain's power over our bodies (so if pregnancy isn't on your radar you may want to skip ahead to about 2/3 through the episode to hear this).
Sources from this episode:Restore Your Core
One Strong Mama
@thelaurenohayon on Instagram
We talk a lot about the challenges that can come up with connecting to your spouse, especially as a newlywed. However, for some of us, the initial stressors of married life come from external factors. Bari Mitzmann came on this week to share her story about her first year of marriage and the health struggles she dealt with right as they were getting married. Bari is a great example of someone who embraces the “do-over.”
Bio: Bari Mitzmann is a wife, mother and content creator living in Nevada. Her content on her Instagram @barianna and the Woman of Valor Podcast is geared toward finding meaning and inspiration in every day as well as breaking stigmas tied toward mental and chronic illness.
Sources:
Instagram: @barianna
Website: https://barianna.com
Podcast: Woman of Valor
This week I have Krystal Conner on to talk to us about self care. Krystal takes what can sometimes seem like an undefined, unattainable idea and makes it super clear and actionable. I loved this conversation and I know you will, too!
Website: https://www.krystalconner.com/
Instagram: @drkrystalconner
Professional organizer/stylist Shira Gill talks about how to hack the thinking of a tidy person, what simple system she uses with all her clients to go from overwhelming mess to styled space, and how she and her husband communicate about their different tidiness-styles. This episode is PACKED with tips and amazing ideas. Enjoy!
Follow Shira:
www.ShiraGill.com
instagram.com/shiragill
Today I'm excited to bring you a conversation with Shevi Samet, a Jewish educator who, among other things specializes in working with women before and after marriage.
We're going super meta here today, talking about true meaning of marriage (we discuss this from the perspective of Torah concepts but feel free to use this as a springboard for your own belief work).
We also dove into why we get married, the social and individual concepts that drive us that we sometimes aren’t even aware of, the difference between love and commitment, and some bizarre and yet very helpful metaphors about parenting and marriage.
Most importantly, make sure you listen to the end when Shevi explains where love and giving fit into a marriage and how neither have anything to do with selflessness.
You can find Shevi at @itsalearninglife on Instagram or by email at sametshevi at gmail.com
In the second half of my interview with Jamie Geller, we moved beyond cooking to some other major areas where she's been an inspiration to those around her.
As the head of the largest kosher food network, Jamie Geller has a lot to teach us about entrepreneurship. In this episode, she shares a bit about her background as a successful producer at HBO and the transition to building her own business. She also gives some really practical advice for those of us who are launching our own businesses.
I also asked Jamie to talk about her family's decision to make aliyah. What was the inspiration? what were the challenges? Jamie was extremely candid about her inspiration but also her resistance to the move, and what it's really like to pick up your whole family and move across the world.
Finally, we chatted about our great big cooking failures as newlyweds (and how our husbands helped us repackage the remains!).
Enjoy!
Sources from this episode:
JamieGeller.com
Jewlish on Instagram
Jewlish on Facebook
WE GOT JAMIE GELLER!!!
Can you tell I'm excited?!
Jamie Geller, today the head of the largest kosher network in the world, has been an inspiration to me from the time I was a newlywed and stumbled upon her first cookbook, Quick and Kosher. Reading about her transition from successful single professional to what-am-I-supposed-to-do-with-this-oven made me feel so validated in my total lack of kitchen know-how.
In this first half of our interview, Jamie opens up about her own newlywed transition, foods her audience loves the most, and how to make the never-ending chore of cooking something you can actually enjoy (actually, I was really surprised by her answer!).
Whether you keep kosher or not, Jamie is such an inspiration and I know you're going to gain a lot from this interview.
Enjoy!
Sources from this episode:
JamieGeller.com
Jewlish on Instagram
Jewlish on Facebook
Make sure you've subscribed to hear part 2 of the episode, plus more amazing guests in our summer #whosyourguru podcast series!
Last week we talked about finding your inner guru, the voice of calm that you can call upon when your brain feels like it’s spinning out of control.
This week I want to introduce you to the idea of finding an external guru.
The concept is simple. Find an area where you struggle, whether practically or emotionally. And instead of troubleshooting, look for the person for whom this is natural, satisfying, even... dare I say it... fun?
Actually, you don't need to go looking, because this summer I will be interviewing one powerful woman each week to be our guru in all the areas I hear most from you that you are struggling with. Whaaat!!! This is going to be so. much. fun.
Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a single episode! We have some AMAZING interviews lined up!
https://firstyearmarried.com/ep-79-find-a-guru-and-summer-series-announcement/
In this week’s episode, I’m going to teach you a fun, easy tool that you can use to access the “wise” part of your brain when your thoughts feel out of control.
When we get caught up in anxiety, insecurity, resentment, or other strong emotions, especially if we are also newly-married and those emotions can be super intense, it can feel like our thoughts are spinning out of control. We get caught up in playing out every scenario, every conversation, every imaginary argument, and it feels productive but the truth is it gets us nowhere.
To recenter ourselves, to get back to a place where our thoughts can serve us and help us to get to a more balanced place, we need another “voice” that is distinct from the one spinning out of control.
So on this episode, I’ll teach you how to access your inner guru and play out some fun scenarios of what that could look like.
Want to take this work further and join a community of women committed to enjoying the newlywed season and growing as they do it? Check us out at www.firstyearmarried.com/course
See more episodes at www.firstyearmarried.com/podcast
The best thing about working on your marriage is that you get exposed to patterns of thinking that have existed for years--maybe even your entire life--and never really surfaced until it affects you in this relationship.
What looks like a big problem is actually an amazing opportunity to improve your own self-mastery in a way you never could before.
Anxiety and resentment both come from an essential judgement, either of ourselves or of another person. With many newlyweds, these emotions seem negative and sometimes even scary--because we make it mean that we can’t have a good marriage if we’re feeling bad emotions.
I often find that identifying the emotion of resentment can be tricky when we’ve spent our lives believing that there are “resentful people” and the rest of us.
But gaining awareness is the critical first step towards gaining traction. These emotions aren’t dangerous and you’re for sure not alone. Check out the episode to get some tips on dealing with these feelings in your marriage.
What You’ll Learn In This Episode:
- What drives anxiety and resentment
- Why we often mislabel them
- How to identify them more accurately, and why that’s important
- Why neither of these are a problem for your marriage
- What to be wary about when learning from a marriage educator or coach
When you’re ready to take this work deeper, join us in the First Year Married Online community.
This isn't the podcast I wanted to record this week.
I wanted to record a podcast to help you feel safe and connected even when you disagree with your husband.
Even when you disagree about the big stuff.
But right now the big stuff has me off-balance.
So I'm taking some time to re-center myself.
Remind myself of what I know to be true.
This is the only way for me to be the best wife, mother, coach, and rabble-rouser that I can be.
What do you know to be true, my friends?
Stay centered.
Ibram X. Kendi on Unlocking Us with Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-ibram-x-kendi-on-how-to-be-an-antiracist/
Sometimes we get so caught up in "fixing" things that we lose sight of what we are actually aiming for.
But what does marriage look like with true connection?
What can we achieve when we allow ourselves to drop our agenda and truly experience our spouse?
Disney may have given us one image of what "Happily Ever After" looks like.
Design your own dream.
Let's aim high.
In this week's episode, we're diving into what happens in your brain when someone gives you a compliment and why never manages to improve our self image in the long term.
It's a brain-nerdy one, so I know you'll love it :)
Think about who you could be when you could generate your OWN confidence and self-esteem, whenever you need it.
I'm going to tell you how.
First Year Married Online Course
First Year Married on Instagram
What do you get when you put two marriage coaches on a Zoom call? A fun, loving deep dive into the world of making marriages better.
Maggie Reyes recently came out with a (now best-selling) book, Questions for Couples Journal and I thought this was the perfect chance to invite Maggie on to share with the FYM audience! I get so many questions about how to make date nights more meaningful and what books I recommend. I also love this book as an idea for couples who aren't going out on traditional dates--whether due to COVID or newlywed finances.
We covered a lot of ground in this episode--well beyond just the book--and I know you'll get a lot out of it.
Find out more about Maggie Reyes at MaggieReyes.com
Follow First Year Married on Instagram @firstyearmarried
Sign up for the First Year Married online course at FirstYearMarried.com/Course
It amazes me how much more comfortable we are talking about working on our parenting, but nobody wants to mention that they're working on their marriage.
Somehow, we can grow in parenting and it's noble, but if we need to grow in our marriage, it speaks of some deep failure in us.
But let's take a step back and consider...
What is actually going to make the biggest impact on your child's life? Another class, or a healthy and happy home?
In addition--not that we need anything beyond that--the meta-skills you learn in your marriage all translate to your parenting.
Self-awareness.
Self-control.
Self-compassion.
Realizing that no, your child is NOT actually the problem and yes, you CAN experience this differently.
And knowing how to do that.
Understanding how to step out of our experience and biases and see from another's perspective.
Modeling that negative emotions are not dangerous and we can handle some discomfort.
Count me in on that parenting class.
It starts with your marriage.
Join us at firstyearmarried.com/course
Whether it's you or your husband, because of COVID-19 or you simply haven't landed the right job yet, unemployment can cause huge stress--particularly for newlyweds.
In this episode, I'm diving into some of the neuroscience that explains why our reaction might be more intense than logic dictates, what to do about it, and how to use this (or any) challenge as a way of building and supporting your new marriage.
I'm also sharing our personal journey as unemployed newlyweds, and why I wouldn't take that experience back for the world.
Learn more: www.firstyearmarried.com/course
Source: The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine
Are there some things you just shouldn't think in a marriage?
What does it mean if I'm annoyed by my husband?
Do happy couples ever think like this?
This week we're going to dive into something that's been coming up a lot in my coaching-- worry and panic and fear about certain thoughts. Put another way, your thoughts ABOUT your thoughts are causing more trouble than the thoughts themselves!
How do we address this?
Can Kayla manage to describe this without a visual aid?
You'll have to listen to find out ;)
New here? Check out the free video at FirstYearMarried.com to get the full foundation for everything I talk about on this podcast.
It's been a crazy few weeks for us all! I'm sorry I haven't been here in a little bit but I needed to step back for a few weeks. Hopefully you had a chance to catch up on some older episodes during the break. ;)
There's no possible way for a podcast episode to address the range of experiences and emotions that COVID-19 is bringing up for us. For some, it's the frustration of being stuck inside, needing our normal outlets, missing our friends and support systems. For others, it's the devastation of losing loved ones or anxiety about high-risk friends and family (or ourselves).
So instead of addressing this whole gamut of experiences, I wanted to give you one clear tool you can focus on. I find this personally to be very grounding when life feels out of control so I hope it will be valuable to you, as well.
This episode is about my love of using lists, and how lists pick up where scheduling can leave off.
Much of what I learned about lists and routines I learned as a newlywed from Marla Cilley, the Flylady.
Enjoy!
In this week’s podcast, I’m answering questions that have come in about being irritated with a husband who is wasting his time during lockdown. This is a pretty common challenge (a LOT of you commented on this one!) so know you’re not alone--but I wanted to share a few ideas to help you understand this differently and hopefully experience less frustration.
- He seems like an extension of us when we want to get things done. Now I have four hands! But… he’s not. He does actually get to decide how to spend his time. I find the easiest approach here is to catch yourself and laugh at it.
- Just because you’re going through the same experience doesn’t mean you’re experiencing it the same. This whole coronavirus experience, even though for many of us it doesn’t require a lot of physical energy, it can be very draining. So he may be vegging out. And the truth is… maybe it ISN’T the most helpful way for him to process his stress or anxiety, but... you get that, right? Sometimes we reach for chocolate when we probably should go for a run.
- It seems to me that on a meta level, we are being forced into appreciating the feminine. Male brains, due to testosterone, are wired for accomplishment and scoring points. Women’s brains are wired for emotions and communication. And we both have both, but right now practically ALL we have is the relationships and communication. Most of our externals are the same. And what most of us raised in the West have gotten is that our value comes from how much we accomplish, but that’s an inherently masculine approach. What if we’re wrong about that? Or what if it’s not right or wrong and this is an opportunity to see that value for what it is--an arbitrary value? What does it mean just to be?
Coronavirus Update: After hearing from several of you, Noah and I talked extensively about how to best support you all during this situation. We've decided to make a temporary pay-what-you-can pricing on the First Year Married online course. Please share with your friends and let's support each other as much as we can. This doesn't have to be hard on your marriage--it could actually be amazing.* www.FirstYearMarried.com/course gets you to the signup page.**
Let's talk about surviving this whole COVID-19 situation as a newlywed. Schedules are out the window, your normal bucket-fillers like social time or work or the gym are non-options, and the stress may be running very high. So we're going to talk about what we can do to make the most of this situation.
First, of course, we gotta look at thoughts. How do we manage our minds so we don’t go insane or start to hate our husbands?
Second, (you won't be so surprised) we'll talk about hacks. Science and psychology based hacks are easy ways to improve your quality of life with a minimum of effort.
I'm also going to be talking a bit about getting ready for Pesach/Passover at the end, for those of you who celebrate.
So let's start by taking a look inside your head. How are you thinking about this whole thing? Coronavirus, being home probably, still newly married...
For a lot of you I'm talking to, the thought sounds something like this: “this is all very bad.” It's a pretty vague and generic thought, actually, but it's plenty strong enough to stir up some anxiety, overwhelm...
What if you were wrong about that?
What if this whole Coronavirus situation could actually be really good for you? For your new marriage?
Actually, this could be a fantastic opportunity for growth for you.
You are in the major leagues now. You've been listening to this podcast, reading books, working on your relationship... now's the time to put all that to work. Now's the time for some major self-awareness, some fantastic growth potential.
What are you feeling and where is it coming from? And how are you a little wrong? How is the opposite also true?
Take some time to get some awareness. If you're feeling off-kilter or overwhelmed or stressed, or you just got to the bottom of the container of Oreos and nobody helped you...
Great time to take a look inside your brain.
Ok so now for some hacks:
- News restriction. When do you want to check? Take a day on. Take a day off. You could even ask your husband to keep you updated and just turn it all off. How many different places are you getting your news from? Twitter and WhatsApp and TV? Pick one. Narrow it down. The news is designed to suck you in. Put up some guardrails so you can maintain some mental space for yourself.
Technology/social media restriction. ebook or book? Go for the physical book if you can. We are much more on our screens than usual. What can you do that’s tech-free, even if for only a few minutes a day? If you can still go for a walk, can you leave your phone at home? Or just make some boundaries--leave the phone out of the bedroom and dining area, for instance.
More phone calls. There’s a hierarchy of meaningful communication, according to humanetech.com. Actual live phone/video calls are best, so try to make at least one a day. After that, voice messages are better than text, and using emojis actually improves the connection quotient of a text message. Group messaging, which isn’t really personal, gives the feeling of socializing but doesn’t pack the same punch. So call your bestie.
Read the full episode notes on the podcast page at www.FirstYearMarried.com
Many of you have listened to and adopted Zero Based Scheduling (from Episode 2: Why You Don't Have Enough Time and Episode 6: Zero Based Scheduling Update). But now, thanks to work-from-homes, school closures and, for some of you, kids at home (gasp!) that beautiful zero-based schedule has gone right out the window.
Never fear!
Zero-Based scheduling can be done on the fly. And it's still awesome. Planning out your day the night before (and I give you the main tips on how to do this successfully) will transform the following day.
PS
If you and hubs are about ready to kill each other in lockdown, go NOW and check out the free video at firstyearmarried.com and give yourself a mental breather!
We are celebrating a holiday in the Jewish world... one that isn't quite as famous as Yom Kippur or Passover... today is Purim!
What happens on Purim? Among many other things, like donating money to charity, hearing the story of Purim read in synagogue, dressing up and bringing gifts to friends… men drink. Sometimes women drink, too, but generally it’s the men. And with that often comes behaviors that make us uncomfortable, nervous, critical...
And this can make some women really uncomfortable. But guess what, it’s not Purim’s fault, because we have similar situations coming in from non Jewish listeners, too!
"He doesn’t know how to be around my family."
"He blew it at work."
"He’s so embarrassing when he fights with my friends."
There are two pieces to this that we have to get clear on.
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Identification -- we have a primal instinct to want to be accepted into the team or the tribe. Once you know that, you can start to settle that very anxious part of your brain that thinks this is all going to kill you.
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Judgement -- wait, me? No way! Yep, call it like it is, my friend. Start to notice when you're in judgement. Be honest with yourself, so that you can start to learn when and how to move out of judgement.
Check out the podcast for the how-to on working through these two issues.
Happy Purim for those celebrating!
This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote:
Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.”
Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means.
So let’s start by defining our terms.
Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT”
So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves.
But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem.
And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect.
Not a series of thoughts.
We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away.
And the reason I want to break it down for you is this:
If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering.
So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that?
And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with?
What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way?
And it always comes back to a thought.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I don’t know how to be married.
I’m no good at this.
I can’t learn.
The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing.
The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by.
And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by.
I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings.
I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes.
So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up?
How do you want to show up in your marriage?
Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there?
Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you?
Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty.
Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there.
To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!
In this week's episode, inspired by my husband's recent business trip, I lead you through an exercise to re-evaluate your self-care.
Many women drop their self-care (especially the most basic things, like sleeping and eating) when we get married or get into a long-term relationship.
These are all areas that we generally took responsibility for (even if we were lagging, we certainly weren't blaming our roommates or siblings because we didn't remember to eat breakfast!). And it's more than physical self care, too; it's also about the variety of relationships we fostered and needed. We need someone for advice but we don't expect that person to also give us a laugh or an exciting time out and also to provide our romantic needs and be a listening, supportive ear at the end of the day... etc., etc.,
And yet when we get married, we often expect our marriage relationship to provide what ALL those individual relationships provided. Which is an unhealthy and unfair expectation.
I thought I'd mastered this, but then when my husband told me he was going to be going on a business trip, I immediately realized there were a few things I needed to do if I wasn't going to have him to fall back on. Wait a second--why am I PLANNING to fall back on him in the first place? Why not taking care of myself in the first place??
So here are three ways to reevaluate your self-care regimen.
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Imagine your husband is going to be going away for a week. What are the three things you'd for sure need to do to make sure your physical needs are taken care of? (Even if you usually do these things but they are now moving up to "nonnegotiable"--listen to the episode for my example about showers.)
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What things would you "get" to do with some time and energy freed up that you may be holding in reserve for your husband? Did you imagine a coffee date with a friend or a paint night? How can you schedule that in now?
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Imagine your husband is away -- what would you miss? What would be sad about that? And then you can take those things and celebrate all these wonderful elements he provides for your marriage! We always need to encourage our minds to be more positive and notice the positive, because they aren't naturally inclined to do so. What are three little things you'd be sad about if he was away?
Interested in learning more? The first lesson in the First Year Married Online Course is available for free at www.firstyearmarried.com
Enjoy!
My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well!
Ok so here’s the analogy:
Your business is a baby.
Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy.
(Sorry!)
Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you.
Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet.
John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account.
5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship.
But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance.
I remember getting my first ATM card.
And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40?
At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account!
Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming?
It's exactly like this for a newlywed.
So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures.
Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards?
Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.)
You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible.
Go take care of your baby :)
Sources and links mentioned in this episode:
Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School
Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset
John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account
The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program
The First Year Married Online Self-Study
The First Year Married FREE Class
For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage.
It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship.
For many women, there is also the wedding high.
And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment.
I want you to know that that’s totally fine.
Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified.
Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage:
Annoyed.
Enchanted.
Frustrated.
Resentful.
Curious.
Insecure -- in him and in you.
It’s all fine. It’s all invited here.
Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought.
You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them.
Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values?
Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too.
The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us.
I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious.
It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety.
You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts.
You can be cranky sometimes.
If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to firstyearmarried.com and click “personal coaching” up top.
Have an amazing week.
We're talking this week about the three main parts of staying in our lane:
Emotionally, Physically, and in How You Show Up.
Instead of feeling good because of what he’s been doing or not doing and what you made that mean, let’s feel good because you are taking care of your own emotional wellbeing.
For some of you, especially if you’re new (and there are so many new people so welcome!!) I know that it sounds like a cop out. Like I’m letting him off the hook.
But here’s the crazy truth.
He doesn’t have the ability to make you happy anyway.
Only you can do that.
So the best place to start is that whenever we notice our mind wandering, or our feelings reacting, to the way he’s acting or who he seems to be, to gently remind ourselves to get back into our own lanes.
He missed date night, because he stayed late at work.
Your automatic thought is LIKELY to be, “if he really cared, he wouldn’t miss date night.”
Guess how many women out there would be thrilled for their husband to want to work that hard? I’ve got one group telling me they can’t be happy because their husband doesn’t work hard, and the other half telling me they can’t be happy because their husband works too hard.
Like I said, he can’t make you happy.
There isn’t a happy medium.
There’s only what you make it mean.
What is too much work, anyway? Is there an amount of hours somewhere that we all mutually agreed upon? Where did you come up with the idea of what’s too much, what’s not enough?
That’s the kind of work we want to do, questioning our thoughts, figuring out where they came from and where they are leading us.
How do I take care of ME in this marriage?
We need a whole episode on this phenomenon I’m seeing where women lose the self-preservation gene the moment they tie the knot.
Suddenly he’s responsible for your water intake and whether you’re overworked.
For sure, even more so once you’ve had kids!
But is that how you would have acted if you were single? Waited around for some guy to bring you a water bottle and remind you to hydrate? No of course not!
We want to feel like a good wife.
We have to dig a little deeper to know what that means.
What did you decide is a good wife?
What things are just sticking with you and giving you guilt or shame, but you don’t even believe them?
Who are you measuring yourself against?
Then get crystal clear on what ideas are rattling around in our heads and THEN you can do the work of clarifying what values you truly believe.
Bring those values, bring that woman into the marriage, and just see what that creates.
It’s going to be an amazing month
If you want to join us to take this work further, this is our entire focus in the month of January, in our Focus video and workbook and live group coaching calls.
Group coaching is only available to grads of first year married online, to allow us all to take this work much deeper. Join us by signing up for First Year Married Online -- the foundational course that ALL newlyweds (and I’m talking easily through 5years married but we’ve had women married MUCH longer) should absolutely be taking -- and you get your first three months of group coaching totally free! www.firstyearmarried.com I can’t wait to see you inside. Have a great week! Buh bye!
This week I'm taking your questions about sharing your FEELINGS with your husband!
Question #1: HOW do I share my feelings with my husband, and how do I create a relationship where we can do that?
Answer: First of all, STOP and be absolutely sure that you aren't sharing your feelings in an effort to change him! We always want to be responsible for our OWN feelings, so you must stop and do some thought work and figure this out. Sharing your feelings so that he'll change is, essentially, manipulation, which of course none of us want to do. (If you need support on the thought work piece, go to www.firstyearmarried.com and watch video #1 of my course!)
Question #2: How do you separate frustrations in a conversation and say it in a way that your spouse can understand the REASONS for your frustration?
Answer: If your frustration is with him, you want to start by taking care of your own emotional well-being (see above).
"As long as he's responsible for how you're feeling, you're really limited."
Beyond that, sometimes we need to actually plan out a conversation with our husband. Let's say your life is set up in a way that you're not getting enough sleep. First, work on the resentment piece. Then you can come to the conversation with openness and belief that the two of you can find a solution.
To hear my interviews with Alison Armstrong where we talked about our husbands' problem-solving abilities, go here.
Question #3: What do I do about a husband who can't access his own feelings and frustration?
Answer: Focus on your lane. His feelings and thoughts are HIS lane, not yours. So question how YOU want to show up in this situation. What's your story about how he's acting? Why is it a problem? Actually get this down on paper.
Question #4: If something bothers you about how your spouse deals with disciplining the kids, how do you communicate that?
Answer: Women often have more experience with kids coming into a marriage, so we often see ourselves as the authority. So first of all, go back to the business partner model. Is it possible this highly respected partner might have another good idea? Possibly even a better idea? Could I maybe be wrong about this? He's different from you by design.
Question #5: I always hear about your feelings are not your thoughts and the other way around, but how do we work on internalizing this?
Answer: There's a difference between processing a feeling and just thinking a thought over and over. This is described clearly in Episode 58, "When You Can't Get Over It."
Question #6: I'd love to get help with first identifying the feelings--like, what am I even feeling right now?
Answer: It's just a vocabulary problem. You can literally Google "list of feelings" or "synonyms for sad." It is helpful, but don't worry about not being there yet.
I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.”
So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings.
The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing.
We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means.
Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it.
This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling.
The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference?
Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.
Welcome to the episode where I bonk you on the head my friends!
So many of you are rocking the intellectual game with this thought work.
You see it in your friends and family.
You know your recurring thoughts.
You are even seeing some changes in how you show up.
But you have NOT taken out a pen and paper and actually done the heavy lifting!
I get it... until you've done it, it doesn't seem that important.
Trust me on this one.
So this week I'm going to walk you through what exactly you can do to take this work deeper. What exactly to do with said pen and paper.
Can't wait to see what comes next for you.
For more help with this, watch the free class at www.firstyearmarried.com
2019 was the year of the podcast at First Year Married (we passed 40k!!!). I’ve been honored to meet you, to have your sisters and friends get hooked, to introduce this work I’m so passionate about. Thank you everyone!!
2020 is going to be the year of group coaching. It’s time to take this work and really dive deep and apply it. Improving our marriages improves every area of our life, and it’s the best place to work on this thought work, which is then a piece of cake to apply elsewhere in our lives.
Group Coaching Details:
- NOT just for newlyweds (and therefore I need name ideas)
- Monthly focus video
- Worksheets and journal pages
- Twice monthly calls
- Whatsapp group
- Sign up at FirstYearMarried.com/course -- all participants get 3 months of group coaching for free, then can continue on from there!
The Marriage You Want. Here's what I hear...
- My husband is great but still want a divorce
- I don't want a divorce, but he drives me crazy
- I'm not showing up how I want, I get in a funk or I'm mean
- I'm not measuring up to the wife I have in mind, the one who always has a clean house, makes delicious meals, never gets angry, always feels loving -- even if intellectually I know that’s all ridiculous
Here’s the thing. If you are unhappy in your marriage it's ALWAYS because of your THOUGHTS.
Example: husband not helping
"If he’d only be more involved... if he’d do what I needed... if he’d tell me to get to bed when I’m obviously falling apart..."
So let’s say you cook a delicious dinner. You leave work even though you’d rather stay and finish a few things up, shlep to the store, get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe you found, slave in the kitchen, you’re starving because now it’s already 8 PM and he’s come in three times to sniff around… and now he reaches into the cabinet and takes out a box of crackers and sits down on the couch to eat them. Now you’re fuming, you’re resentful, what’s happening here?
You're cooking, and he's eating.
That's it.
This is all about awareness. It really does feel like he’s the problem, I know. And the obvious solution is -- at least in theory -- to switch him out for a newer model. But here’s the thing-- wherever you go, there you are. So even if you ultimately make a choice to end the marriage, even if I give you that, don’t do it because you haven’t taken responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t do it because your brain is running wild and you aren’t paying attention.
Don't forget to sign up for the free course at FirstYearMarried.com/course or watch the free introductory video at FirstYearMarried.com
Get Yael's free Money Dates PDF at jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate
This week I had the pleasure of inviting Yael Trusch, host of Jewish Latin Princess who is sharing the amazing concept of Money Dates. Yael has a background in finance and is now an author and inspirational speaker, so she brings the vision from one world to the practical of the other!
Money is one of the main sources of stress for couples, and often we struggle to have these conversations. While the impulse may be to avoid these conversations, Yael shows us how carving out the time actually helps make it easier to discuss money.
And it's not just about counting dollars. Yael brings in values, vision, and dreams, and shows us how the way we spend our money can become a reflection of our deepest values.
So what's a money date?
A money date is specific time you carved out in the calendar to speak about your finances. Yael suggests discussing it on a global level first--what lessons did you learn from your family? How has your experience with money been so far?--and then gradually adding in budgeting, investing, and planning.
Follow Yael at www.jewishlatinprincess.com and on Instagram @jewishlatinprincess
Download the free PDF: www.jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate
This week sharing one of my favorite Jewish ideas, which I was reminded of by a Tony Robbins quote. Who... last I checked... was most definitely not a rabbi 🤣
The word for love in Hebrew is ahava. The root word of ahava is "hav" which means "give." This is here to remind us that the root of love is giving.
What's the last project you truly invested in?
Didn't you love it?
The more we work, the more we try, the more we love.
And yet we somehow expect our marriages to do all the work for us. As if a marriage is a THING that can WORK. But somehow they should make us happy.... or they're broken.
So this week we're turning it all on its head.
Please join us 💜
This week I have Simone Sobel, an Atlanta-based couples counselor and trauma therapist on, to discuss some important and common questions about couples therapy:
- When is it time to go see a couples therapist?
- What red flags do newlyweds need to know about that may indicate that their husband might have a personality disorder or they may be in an abusive relationship?
- How to find a good couples therapist?
- What to expect when you go to a couples therapist?
- Is it ever too late for couples therapy?
- How to know if couples therapy is working?
How do you decide who to go to between a therapist, a coach, or a mentor or religious advisor? Simone says that marriage classes and coaching are a great foundation for any couple, teaching psycho-educational tools that are beneficial to everyone, even if they’ve been married a long time.
When is it time to go see a couples therapist? There are lots of common reasons that couples come to couples therapy.
Communication is very poor (ie, they can never get on the same page about a certain issue, or there is stonewalling, chronic defensiveness, hyper-criticism, etc.)
Breach of trust in the marriage (ex, one partner spending a lot of money in secret or looking at pornography)
Devestating or dificult life events (losing a job, health crisis, loss of a child or parent)
Lifecycle change (retirement, new baby, empty nest, a major move)
Negative cycles that aren’t going away and you need outside help.
Fine tuning a good relationship (no, there don’t have to be major issues to go to a therapist!)
Spiritual mentors can be very helpful for spiritual based issues, and often they give very good guidance and advice. If you find you are going again and again to your priest, rabbi, etc., and aren’t making progress, that would be a time to consider a therapist.
What are some red flags that your husband may have a psychological or personality issue or disorder? If a woman feels consistantly criticized and put down in a way that makes him/her feel insecure, demaned, or shamed.
Ongoing provocation, even with a calm or apologetic period between cycles, are considered a cycle of abuse.
If your husband is trying to isolate you from your friends, this is a red flag.
If your spouse can never take responsibility for an issue, this is also a red flag.
Kayla’s note: friends are not the best place to “diagnose” your husband. A therapist will be able to distinguish between normal human misbehavior and serious dysfunction or abuse.
Simone: Find one person to speak with, more of a mentor, who is supportive. A coach or therapist can be neutral and non-judgemental. Couples can get into negative cycles and say mean things to each other, but it’s not necessarily abusive.
Read more on the First Year Married website.
This week I'm answering a much-asked question: how do I get my husband to help out REGULARLY, not just as "helping" me?
We've discussed some of these concepts before, especially in Episode 30 - Just Ask! and Episode 30 - What It Means to Give, Interview With The Husband Part 2, but I've never taken the time to do a full, dedicated episode to this issue.
And it really is an issue. The ideas of helping, housework, equally divided responsibility, are all loaded for many of us. And more than that, they strongly play into some of the main differences between men and women.
How is enthusiasm perceived by men vs. women?
What motivates men to want to help?
Why do we hate to ask for help?
Why do we feel threatened if it's not clear that it's all FAIR?
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Email me at kayla (at) firstyearmarried.com or drop me a line on Instagram @firstyearmarried
You can also access my FREE class in which I teach you all about how to use coaching tools to COACH YOURSELF on your marriage. Pretty cool, right? You can get that at www.firstyearmarried.com
Alison Armstrong is BACK for the second half of our interview together!
Here are some highlights from this week's episode:
"Honey we have an issue" --why these are dreaded words to a man
"Women are very motivated by upset, they don't want to upset anybody. So we try to motivate men to change by telling hem how upset we are. And it doesn't work at all. And we don't notice it doesn't work at all." - Alison Armstrong
How to make the shift from complaining to getting help solving your problems.
Breaking down "self care" into something actionable.
Identifying your favorite feelings and becoming self-sufficient in providing them for yourself.
For some of us... learning to be an adult while also being a newlywed.
How men see beauty so differently than we do.
Finally, a life lesson from her beloved late husband, Greg.
Thank you, Alison, for taking the time to share your wisdom with us! For more from Alison Armstrong, you can find her at www.understandmen.com
This week's episode is truly special.
When Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guests, Alison Armstrong topped the list.
Her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women, as she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between us and makes them crystal clear with humor, compassion, and her characteristic charm.
For this episode, I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married... those couples who are just getting to know each other, maybe building families and careers while they're at it. Alison was so wonderfully generous with her knowledge.
The episode is divided into two parts, for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to digest and try some of these ideas. So if you aren't subscribed yet, make sure to do that right away and you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released.
Alison Armstrong is the co-founder of PAX programs, author of The Queen’s Code book, Understand Men Online Course, and many more programs and workshops. You can find out much more at Alison’s Website: www.understandmen.com and learn about her upcoming LIVE event called LUX here: https://www.understandmen.com/worldevent/lux/
This is what we discussed in this week’s episode:
- What exactly is Frog Farming?
- How we just need to get out of the way.
- What causes men to misbehave?
- What should we do if our husbands are working too much?
- The surprising statistic about men in the first year of fatherhood.
- Why our plans for others never work.
- How to survive our husband’s early career intensity.
- How playfulness and affection feed our relationships.
- How young mothers can incorporate self-care.
- Why we aren’t getting what we need, and what to do about it.
Let me know what you took from this episode! I can’t wait to hear your wins and celebrate with you!
Announcement: Next week I will be having the amazing ALISON ARMSTRONG on the podcast!!! Make sure you are subscribed because it’s going to be split over two episodes and you are not going to want to miss this interview.
I recorded an episode a while back called “Shame Won’t Make You a Better Wife.” Episode 8
You need to hear it again.
Because I keep seeing you all using the idea of self-improvement as a way of attacking yourself and your self-worth. You are weaponizing self-control. Against yourself.
How you know you’re doing it:
- You are more conscious of what you’re doing wrong than what you’re doing right.
- The Perfect Wife has shown up.
- Your emotional reactions seem to be worse than makes sense.
- You aren’t making progress.
When we are so down on ourselves and then trying to show up as the perfect wife, it’s totally inauthentic.
What to do about it.
- Name the shame. Thank it for its contribution.
- Consider life without shame. (Sidenote: accidental spending and kids nutrition sabbatical)
- Consider that your actions may be coming from a place of fear or insecurity. Speak those out loud. See the reverse of them.
- Clarify your vision as you would if you were speaking to a beloved younger friend.
- Consider what you would need to believe, truly believe, to make a step towards that vision.
This week I’m sharing a hack that I learned while researching how to best care for myself as a type 1 diabetic. While it was intended to help with things like glucose control, I think this hack can help all of us on most long-term goals.
Adam Brown, writer for diaTribe, writes in his book Bright Spots and Land Mines* about the benefits of setting specific, short-term goals to help us achieve our long term goals. Want better overall health? Think about how your mood will improve in the next few hours when you exercise.
So here’s the hack du jour: ask yourself, what makes you feel better TODAY?
-Exercise: long term “numbers” or how I feel?
-Food: weight loss, or how I’ll be able to focus the rest of the day?
-Laundry: is it about you and your abilities to be organized or can you just think about how nice it is to go to bed knowing it’s done?
-Investing in your marriage (why don’t I talk about this more??): is it about working towards a long, happy marriage, or just the nice feeling of being an awesome wife?
So here’s the strategy:
- Identify the long-term goal
- Identify the short-term gain
Then… take a pic and tag me! @firstyearmarried or send to kayla@firstyearmarried.com
Have an awesome week!
*affiliate link
ANNOUNCEMENT - this is the last week to sign up for the Kallah Cohort! You can do that here.
Today it’s time to talk about letting go of your marriage.
Not the one you’re in. I mean the one you thought you’d be in.
You’ve been married a few months, maybe a year. The cracks are starting to show.
This is NOT what you had in mind.
This is not what your friends said it was like, or how it looks when you see other couples.
This is not what you thought it would feel like.
And when I encourage you to let go of all that, you think it’s sad.
It’s devastating, really.
But that’s not how I see it as your coach.
In this week’s podcast, I’m going to tell you why you REALLY need to let go of your fantasy marriage.
This episode is inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing book, Big Magic. The book is about creativity, but of course we're going to be applying it to our marriages here. She says, “any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.”
When I heard this quote about motion, a light went off. This is such a great illustration of the change that I've seen in my marriage and my clients' marriages. The motion. The momentum.
Our relationships have momentum.
This week I'm going to give you four strategies for keeping a healthy, forward momentum in your marriage and keep you out of gridlock.
This week we're going to recap a few of the key tools we've covered over the last 44 episodes that will help us all handle overwhelm.
I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless.
Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, but you need to sign up to get a spot! See you there!
An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. Here is one great resource.
We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind.
- Identify the feeling. Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional.
- Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode.
- Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings.
- Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you?
- Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!)
- Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.)
- Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness!
Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at FirstYearMarried.com? Well, here it is!
WOW. You all sent in some awesome tips for running the home! More than that, I love how you all came out to support and help one another! At the end of the day, we're all in this together if we want to be... and the FYM community keeps proving that you are women who look out for one another. I love it.
First, an announcement: I will be hosting a special Kallah Cohort of First Year Married targeted specifically to women in the Orthodox Jewish community. Lots of details at the end of the episode!
I broke down your tips into three main categories: Vision and Appreciation, Food and Groceries, and General Household Management and Time Management Tips.
Have more tips to share? Please send them to @firstyearmarried on Instagram and I will share them over there!
All the best,
Kayla
I love sharing tips with other women (and sometimes men) about what makes running the home easier for them. In a way, our personality comes out in our hacks. And so this week we're keeping it light and I'm offering you my favorite tips and tricks that help me run the home. I look forward to hearing yours and sharing them on next week's episode!
We’re back to housework this week, believe it or not!
This week we’re discussing how leading with your values and vision can make even the most basic kinds of housework more meaningful. I’ll be showing you how to determine your values within your home (and sharing mine) and realize what things DON’T make the list (so you can stop stressing out about them)! I’ll also give you a clear formula for having a vision-led discussion with your husband to enlist the help you need without bringing negativity into your marriage.
This week we’re going to revisit a familiar topic and take the work further.
What is happening when you are feeling hurt?
Take the last time you were hurt (or disappointed, angry, frustrated…) with your husband and try to remember the specific details.
Consider that the reason that you were upset was that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to be doing.
Try to identify what you DID want him to do. What was your plan or rule book for how he should behave?
But here’s the model.
You’re crying and he’s texting.
If he loved me, he’d be hugging me and taking care of me.
So you feel hurt, rejected, and maybe angry (much safer)
Here’s the reality:
Him texting when you are crying says nothing about his love for you.
So why are you hurt?
ONLY because of the thought you had about it.
We’re going to figure out this week how to find an alternative, how to clarify our vision, and how to experience the relationship we want.
Unconditional love is on YOU. Leave him out of it! You want a loving relationship? LOVE HIM. And not when he’s adorable and considerate. Love him when he’s a bear. Love him when he’s obnoxious.
Here are some thoughts that have really helped me with this...
--I love being in love
--I love being surprised by him
--He’s so different, so foreign to me, just when I think I know him he surprises me
Get a buddy, share this episode, and help each other use this information. It can be hard to observe our own brains sometimes. To work with me on-on-one, you can email me at kayla@kaylalevin.com or fill out the form at firstyearmarried.com and I’ll send you my booking calendar.
For more ideas about the "rule book" (or the "manual") check out Brooke Castillo's podcast, The Life Coach School Podcast.
A listener asked me to discuss critical parents and what to do about them.
In this week’s podcast we discuss the difference between explicit criticism and subtly undermining your relationship. The key to dealing with criticism is to maintain responsibility over your emotional reaction. When we allow these criticisms to upset us, we have to realize that it’s because we became attached to what they said--that they might be right or that they “shouldn’t” have said it. The easiest way to deal with critical parents is to remember that they “get to” feel and say whatever they want, and you’re FINE. From that place, we can move forward to create healthy, effective boundaries that aren’t an attempt to change them or their behavior.
Resources:
Brook Castillo on Boundaries: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/
Brook's Boundaries 2.0: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/
One place I especially like to work on is charged relationships. Partly because this is an area where I have had my own work to do, so I know how important it is, but also because we really discover our own thought processes here and they are funny and surprising.
Several of you wrote in asking me to discuss sibling relationships. When I put out a request for specific scenarios, they were almost all about sisters-in-law, so we'll focus on that but these tools really can be applied to any relationship.
I have a question about my sister-in-law. I desperately want to become friends with her but every time we do something she is constantly on her phone or gossiping about people from her home town that I have no clue who they are. How can I become friends with someone who doesn’t take the time to talk?
There are two parts of to any relationship: how they feel about you and how you feel about them. Which is in your control? We will never know how someone feels about us, and even if we could know, we can’t control it.
So I like to have a few thoughts that help me:
- I get to feel however I want about you.
- I am going to learn something very important from you.
- I’m good.
How do I deal with a jealous sister in law who wants to make every moment about her? She wanted to know when I was pregnant, when I gave birth, and gender of baby (I’m assuming she means during the pregnancy) and got jealous of my relationship with my MIL. I don’t have involved parents.
Let’s break down what’s happening and how we’re interpreting it. Because our interpretations drive our emotional reaction, so we have to have really high standards about what we’ll allow as “fact.”
What happened: she asked if you were pregnant (or asked you to tell her when you were)
Thought: She needs every moment to be about her.
Feeling: Resentment, annoyance, disgust, sadness… whatever
Action: Don’t tell her, maybe try to convey with your tone or body language that you’re offended
Result: Less closeness, no pairing of you two, so it remains all about her--there isn’t a relationship instead.
What if you tried on other thoughts here? How would you feel and behave differently? Have some fun with it.
I had my son 9 months ago and my SIL got married 6 weeks before us. Lots of tension. I had a great pregnancy and she is now pregnant and I am extremely happy for them. But at the same time I all of a sudden feel a shift in my MIL since hearing the news. I understand it is her daughter and she is pregnant with her second grandchild, but she is seemingly colder towards me… it may be my own insecurities but what if somehow it could be my SIL stirring it up? She is very insecure with my husband and MIL’s relationship.
How do you want to show up in the relationship? Create a clear vision for yourself before any family interaction with your in-laws. It is very normal to feel uncomfortable with your in-law relationship. What if you allowed that? What if you didn't try to make it more comfortable, but just went to a place of observing yourself and your reactions and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable?
Want to take this work further? Watch the free video at www.firstyearmarried.com to learn how to coach yourself.
This week we're talking about negative emotions in your marriage. It is so common for newlyweds to feel extremely vulnerable and surprised at the number of negative emotions they may be experiencing in their marriages. The trouble with anger, resentment, frustration, and any negative feeling isn't the feeling itself--its the way we react to it. In this episode, we review our understanding of how emotions work, how to have an authentic emotional life (and how it's not all about "feeling all the feels"), and how to allow negative emotions. Many times, we resist negative emotions either by pushing it away with distractions or by switching to a more comfortable emotion like anger or disappointment. I'll take you through this process and give you an exercise to apply this work to your own marriage.
(The thought work here is based on the Self-Coaching Model by Brooke Castillo.)
Hey newlyweds,
What do you do if your husband is spending more time on his phone than communicating with you? What will this mean when kids come along (if they haven't already) and how he's going to be able to connect to him? What if he's getting defensive when you ask him to put away his phone? How much are phones supposed to be used in a healthy marriage?
This week we're talking all about the "other wife"--your husband's phone
This topic can make us crazy--I get it--but we're going to focus on a practical framework to work on this area in your home.
Because let's face it... you probably have a phone, too...
Check out this week's episode for a four-step solution to unhealthy phone usage in your new marriage.
Here are the steps for you to review when you come back to implement this material!
Step 1. The Brain Dump (and analyze)
Step 2. Your Vision
Step 3. Self-Work
Step 4. Pick Your Timeline.
I love hearing your questions and I recently got two questions that deserved a better answer than I could give in a quick online chat. Both women were asking about getting what they need from their husbands. Our first question deals with not feeling connected to a husband who travels a lot and doesn't help out when he's home. Our second question is about not getting validation when she needs it. Thank you so much for sending in your questions! If you'd like to send in a question, you can do so @firstyearmarried on Instagram.
I am a big fan of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. However, I've been seeing some women use this powerful information in a way that actually hurts their relationship, not help it. This week I'll give you a quick overview of the 5 Love Languages, tell you the trap you want to avoid, and how to use this material to benefit your marriage the most.
The 5 Love Languages Book*: https://amzn.to/2Zwz4eX
*affiliate link
This week I’m following up on our Bringing Baby Home episode by answering the questions you sent in. 👶How do I set up healthy boundaries with my in-laws before baby is born? 🙅♀️ What do I do about an anxious partner? 😬 Does my husband need to have a good job before we have a baby? 👔 Have more questions? Send them in! @firstyearmarried on Instagram or email me at kayla at kaylalevin.com 👌
Baby on the way? Or maybe just thoughts of a baby on the way?
The transition to life with a new baby is a major one and these five pointers are what we learned from our four children and what kept us sane--and our marriage healthy--during this phase.
Check out more podcast episodes and sign up for my free online class at www.firstyearmarried.com
You can also check out Ruchi Koval's podcast here: Out of the Orthobox
Go to Audible to listen to Alison Armstrong's workshop, The Amazing Development of Men (affiliate link).
This week I had my husband back on the podcast to talk about a man's perspective about what it means to give. This is a follow up to "Episode 30 - Just Ask!". It's so helpful to hear a guys perspective on this topic. As I share in the podcast, this is my #1 challenge and something that I know shifts they dynamic of the relationship in a very positive way.
What's the one thing you can do to transform the dynamic of your relationship? Start asking for what you want. Sound easy? It's not. For most of us, even identifying what we want is hard--it's not the things we're nagging him about, it's the deeper, more meaningful things that would truly light us up. It's the things we can't do on our own or get for ourselves--and it's so hard sometimes to admit that there's a limit to our independence. But when we lean into that vulnerability and offer him a real chance to win, the payoff in your relationship is unbelievable. By the way, this is an area I personally struggle with SO MUCH... so expect to hear more about it in the future!
Isn't this a nice, friendly-sounding podcast episode? Here you are, trying to feel connected and in love with your husband, and I go and get depressing on you. Don't worry. This week's episode will teach you a fantastic framework taken from Jewish wisdom that we can all use as a self-coaching exercise to clarify who YOU are in your relationship and your goals for yourself on the deepest level. When we learn to frame our marriages, and all of our relationships and life situations, in the context of personal development, it creates an entirely new context.
I was really excited about this episode when I recorded it, but after living with this work for a few weeks I'm convinced EVERY woman needs to hear it. Years of struggling with accepting my appearance just... over. It's a little bit advanced, but I think it will at least plant a very important seed, even for those who aren't familiar with thought work.
Please listen and forward to the women in your lives, whether they are newly married or not.
This week we are talking about how to dis-overwhelm yourself (yes, I made that up). I'll teach you the few simple steps to clarify your vision for the most difficult areas of your life and how to pursue achieve it, including the surprising reason we often lose track of our vision.
This is part 2 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong.
I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information.
Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing.
The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst)
Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work
This is part 1 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong.
I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information.
Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing.
The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst)
Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work
How can we get our husbands to cheer up when they're so down? How do we get them to see that their thoughts and the way they see the problem is really the issue? How do we get them to show up the way we need them?
I'm so excited to share an advanced episode with you this week!
On episode 24, I'm answering a really common question... "what if the problem is HIS model?"
I'll be giving you three tools to deal with this. You'll learn how to examine your own thoughts, separate from the rules in your mind that are actually making you crazy, and get yourself into his corner.
It's totally counter-intuitive, but it's so transformational.
Additional resources:
Watch my free video on how to use the self-coaching model to improve your marriage.
Episode 12: Mind Management (this will give you the foundation of this work)
The Life Coach School podcast by Brooke Castillo, who originated the self-coaching model.
Learn about how to get coached by Kayla!
Guess what I did?? I interviewed my husband for the podcast! How fun is that? Noah and I talk about the ups and downs of our first year of marriage, learning to be adults, our mistakes with finances, and how we manage running a business together. He has some awesome advice... both for the husbands and the wives. Reach out on Instagram @firstyearmarried after you listen and tell me what you thought--and please don't forget to rate and review the podcast!
We may not like to admit it, but we tend to have some opinions about our husbands. Whether he's too messy, bad with money, or not taking his job seriously enough (or too seriously!), it's very common to forget that these are only our opinions and not a true fact. In this episode I'm going to teach you how to coach yourself when you are getting frustrated with your husband.
This month we are diving into the topic of your money. How do you create a budget as a newlywed? What do you do if you fight with your husband about money? How can you travel when you're tight on funds? Jenn Nielson of @willsavefortravel has some amazing resources and fantastic tips on how to manage your money when you're just starting out--even if you have student loans. Enjoy!
In this episode I walk you through the 7 factors to look for in finding a mentor for your marriage. Having a coach, mentor, and really taking advantage of all of the resources you can get your hands on is so important for building a solid foundation to your marriage. As I discuss in this episode, you may have 4-5 careers in your life but you hope to only have one marriage... isn't it odd how much more we often invest in mentors for our careers? Listen and jot down these 7 things to look for and then go get yourself a mentor!
Also, if you haven't already, check out Episode 14 where I first discussed having a marriage mentor.
You can also sign up for my course starting in May here and get free access to the first class immediately.
Meet Rena Reiser, Intuitive Eating Coach at Mind Over Munchies. I had so much fun interviewing Rena and hearing about the tools she uses as an intuitive eating coach to help her clients. So many of us struggle with our relationship with food, and Rena is knowledgeable and relatable, so I know you will love hearing from her!
https://www.renareiser.com
"If I learn to ACCEPT my husband's behavior, aren't I just letting him walk all over me?" This week we are talking about when we don't like our husband's behavior. If you work on your thoughts and you come to accept his behavior, are you expecting less of him? Are you just accepting an unfair, unbalanced relationship? Check out this week's podcast.
This week I’m going to fill you in on our big move, how we use thought work to make major decisions, and how you can live a bigger life... without leaving your home. To learn more about the model and thought work, originated by Brooke Castillo, check out earlier episodes of the podcast!
The way you think about yourself might have more of an impact on your marriage than you realize. Join me this week as we talk about self image and how it applies to how we show up in our marriages as well as some practical tools for what to do about it.
How do you agree on finances when one of you wants to save hardcore and the other wants to spend more?
This week I'm answering a listener question about how to manage differences of opinion between her and her husband when it comes to MONEY. Money and debt are such hot-button issues in our marriages, and I want to share with you a few things to keep in mind to keep these conversations useful, productive, and connecting.
I'll say it... the first year of marriage can be HARD! Being a newlywed is such a tremendous adjustment, and it can create a lot of insecurity and anxiety for some people. This week I'm talking about the ways in which our marriages get better with time (and the right focus) and how to find a mentor who will guide you and inspire you in improving your marriage.
Let's talk about disappointment. Whether you went to premarital counseling and made a bunch of agreements that haven't come through or he seems different from the guy you dated, feeling like your husband isn't "what you signed up for" is so common. This week we talk about where this comes from and what to do about it.
This week we're diving deep into managing your mind. While it feels like we should be able to "set it and forget it," really our brains are always at work and if left unsupervised, they can get into a little bit of trouble. This week we'll be talking about how often to do thought work and why, and how this is going to benefit not just your marriage but your entire life. This is where self-improvement and self-development kick into super-speed and your marriage truly transforms.
This question came in from a listener on Instagram. There are several factors to consider before starting a family, but I (of course) want to talk to you about your mind. Start HERE before you move onto the checklist of "must haves" and "to dos."
Traveling together… there is so much to say and I hope we’re able to come back to this topic more over the course of this podcast.
Is this a vacation or a family trip? If it’s a family trip, who is being prioritized? If it’s your spouse, what does your husband need to be supported and what will you need to be able to give that support? What might come up? What is the goal of the trip?
Asking your brain the right questions can take any trip and evolve it to deliver far more value to your life and your marriage. If you have an upcoming vacation with your spouse, listen to this one now and maybe even once more before you leave. Enjoy!
This episode is for my listeners and clients who have been married longer than a year but are still wanting inspiration and improved connection with their spouses. Here are my tips on how to bring the "newlywed vibe" back to your marriage, why the 4-7 year phase can be tricky, and some tips on setting up your marriage for the long haul. (By the way, newlyweds, you should listen too and gain some tips for what's to come!)
Do you have an image of your mind of how you wish you were showing up in your marriage? Do you come down hard on yourself when you don't? If so, you MUST listen to this week's podcast. You CAN be a better wife (or husband), but beating yourself up or criticizing yourself is not the way to do it. More than that... you'll actually harm the authenticity of your relationship. Your partner chose YOU, flaws and all. This podcast will teach you how to align your thinking with the result you want in your marriage.
Sometimes all the coaching in the world isn't going to cut it. And that's because you're just too tired. When I was first married, I loved staying up late... but my marriage was paying the price. It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that the zombie my husband was married to wasn't the one he signed up for!
In this episode, I'll walk you through my system called "baseline self care" that will allow you to identify what keeps you up and running. This isn't the deep meaningful spiritual retreat or even wine and bubble baths. This is just about having clarity about what's on your list that needs to be done, at a minimum. I'll also teach you my ten second check-in and help you identify when it's time for self-coaching and when it's time for self care.
I got so much feedback and questions and awesome stories about the episode, "Why You Don't Have Enough Time" that I wanted to run another episode--Part 2 on Zero Based Scheduling! Time Management can be one of our major stressors, and this tool has helped my husband and I feel so much more at peace with how we spend our time.
This episode addresses some of the more common questions I received and gives you an update on where we are with the tool ourselves. It's been great hearing stories from listeners about how this is giving you clarity and empowerment as you make decisions about what to do and what to cut. And while this isn't only about marriage, one of the main things newlyweds are navigating is learning to share all parts of life--finances, space, and time--with another person, and you want to do it successfully!
Please keep sending in your feedback, questions, and stories--I love to hear from you!
You're ready to grow, you're ready to move on to the next level.... but everyone around you is struggling. What's a newlywed to do? How do we improve our lives without leaving those we love in the dust?
Budgeting for newlyweds can be tricky. You might struggle with getting your apartment organized, or your new home. Maybe for you what's hard is losing weight or drinking less... but sometimes we're ready to move on from these challenges and up-level our lives, but something surprising is holding us back. Check out this week's episode for a whole new way to look at overcoming your challenges.
Finding your invisible cape means electing yourself the official representative who is going to break the trend... for the sake of yourself, and for others who need someone to look to. Those around you might be struggling with peer pressure or negative thinking, but you can be the example of what it's like to live life without that particular struggle. Sometimes we don our invisible capes to allow ourselves to buy a more modest home or post less about our fantastic marriages, so that we aren't putting pressure on those around us who might be struggling. This is not only super fun to do, but it can allow us to get the motivation to make the decision we really felt was best for us in the first place.
Communication is a hot topic when it comes to marriage and relationships. And while improving our communication is always a value, this class will help you challenge what you consider to be "good communication" and discover what major form of communication you may be missing out on entirely.
Resources mentions:
Why Gender Matters: https://amzn.to/2Rxfb6D
Mating in Captivity: https://amzn.to/2LNBgIZ
Why Gender Matters, Leonard Sax, 2005, p. 29 "In boys, as in men, the part of the brain where emotions happen is not well connected to the part of the brain where verbal processing and speech happens--unlike the situation in teenage girls and women. "
The above are affiliate links
If you've struggled with your relationship with your mother-in-law (or ANY family member... or really any other human), this episode is for you. I'll be talking about what makes these in-law relationships uniquely challenging, what we do to make it so much worse, and some of my own experiences using self-coaching to improve my relationships with family members.
In today's episode, we're gonna talk about your time and why you don't have enough of it. It's not why you think. I'll share my tool for matching your priorities to your calendar and help you deal with those feelings of busyness and overwhelm that can suck the energy out of all of us.
Newlyweds... this is what it's all about. Using the early days of marriage to build a strong foundation so you can ENJOY your marriage for the long-run! In this episode, I'll be letting you in on why I focus so much on the first year of marriage, what you can do to maximize the potential of this time, the challenges many people face early on in their marriages, and how you can use this material even if you have been married a while!
What better way to start this podcast than to talk about that first year of marriage?
That exhilarating, overwhelming, impossible, unbelievable first year of marriage.
It’s the most amazing time to focus.
Focus on building, focus on connecting, focus on prioritizing.
I hope you enjoy.
xo,
Kayla
The First Year Married Podcast lands THIS SUNDAY December 23rd. We are so excited to share it with you! Please subscribe and stay tuned for the launch.