The 21st Century Man Podcast: Recent Episodes
Christian Salafia
Men are at a crossroads: either we evolve with the changing times or risk becoming a relic of the past. It's time to evolve beyond the traditional definition of what it means to be a man and redefine manhood for a new century. It's time for men to mix the wisdom of their age with the joy and passion of their youth in order to make an impact on their careers, relationships, families, and the world.
The world lost a light when Sen. McCain passed. Yet I know, and those closest to him will say the same, that he would want his life to be an example for others. A life of duty, honor, integrity, service, and humility.
Searching for your true calling that way often leads you to doing what you believe you "should" be doing. Instead of being your authentic self, you find yourself forcing yourself to fit within a proscribed box dictated by culture and society.
Instead, your calling is that thing that tickles the back of your head. That passion project that brings you joy. That 'spiritual practice' of sorts that tunes you into something greater than yourself.
Your calling is to be the friend who jumps in the hole.
We all know the story of Pavlov and the dog. Pavlov rings the bell, the dog gets a treat, and eventually the bell rings and the dog automatically starts salivating.
Unfortunately that’s how we live most of our lives, automatically “salivating” whenever the “bell rings”.
Does pursuing happiness wreck our self esteem? Is being unhappy in our DNA? How does one find true and lasting happiness?
There are two wars we fight with ourselves.
1) The war between who we think we are and who we really are. 2) The war with those thoughts/beliefs/patterns we need to overcome if we want to move forward in life.
Last night I lost my shit, broke one of my favorite glasses, and then broke down in tears.
And I'm ok with that.
When you're listening to your gut, and have the balls to follow through, you're living in alignment with who you are at your core and are a powerful, influential, fulfilled, happy man.
When you allow your brains to retreat from the tough choices or allow them to silence your intuition, you're destined for a unhappiness.
In this episode I discuss the need for us men to accept that we appreciate beauty and to not forfeit our voice on creating a home environment.
A home should reflect the aesthetic of both partners and us men need to be comfortable in expressing what we like, what we don't like, what we find beautiful, and how having space within the home is necessary to feeling like we belong there.
In the last 72 hours, a video of Tony Robbins disparaging the Me Too movement as a way for women to seek "significance" through anger and their status as victims has blown up on the internet.
Tony blew it. He not only blew it as a coach, a trainer, and a personal development icon, he blew it as a man and as a victim of abuse himself.
In a world where considerable time is spent traveling from A to B and back again, the mechanisms responsible for driving our life experiences often go unnoticed. As a former Master Technician and current finance professional, he developed a simple method for bringing those features—principles, metaphorically—to the forefront of our daily thinking, harmonizing the personal with the efficacy of the professional and coloring life as a whole
Coleman Baker is a coach and mindfulness trainer who works with men struggling with pornography, sex addiction, and other compulsive sexual behaviors.
In this episode, he shares his own story, how he overcame his compulsion, and his mission to free men from the chains of addiction.
Once upon a time in order to connect with someone we had to either call them up or go knock on their doors. Today, we see the lives of our friends and families scroll by our newsfeeds and timelines and we feel that clicking "like" can substitute for an actual connection.
Social media is making us more connected and disconnected at the same time.
Among the 35 OECD nations, mass shootings are a uniquely American and male phenomenon. Why is this?
Without getting into the debate over gun policy, this episode dives into the secondary and tertiary discussions around mass shooters. Why men? Why American men in particular? Why not women? And why reflexively labeling the assailants as 'mentally ill' is offensive as hell.
It's a brave new world, one that's going to require an intense conversation about what masculinity is and is not in the age of #MeToo.
So, where do we start? What stays, what goes, and what can we learn and embrace from the women in our lives to make us better men tomorrow than we were yesterday?
Taking a cue from "This Is Us" I want to give you a little encouragement. All we want as parents is for our families and kids to be okay. We can have our hopes and dreams for them, but when it comes down to it, we just want them to be okay.
In today's social media heavy world, it's difficult if not impossible to avoid trolls, potshots from the peanut gallery, or petty bullsh*t. It's even more difficult to avoid it when relationships go south. Building walls to keep out the riff raff is necessary. Boundaries are doors, the inspection points, that we allow those we want in our lives through.
There's no deficit of relationship advice for men on how to make your woman feel safe. There is far less advice for women on how to make their men feel safe.
Confidence comes from the congruence of your outsides matching your insides. How you dress, how your house looks, how your car looks are reflections of how you feel about yourself. If you want to uplevel your life, uplevel your wardrobe.
As 2017 comes to a close, it's the time where we look back and typically see only the sh!t we've gone through and the challenges we faced. Yet the lessons those challenges were trying to teach you are exactly what you need to focus on in 2018. Whether it's finances, relationships, career... somewhere along the way things didn't turn out exactly as you had planned.
Take what you learned, what you found out you were lacking, and focus on that in 2018 so you can continue to unfuck yourself.
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Ever notice how your man acts like he's conquered the world when he's done the dishes, folded laundry, or done some task around the house? Although it may seem silly, it's really not. He's looking for appreciation. Simple acts of service are one of the ways he shows you that he cares about you and if the response is one of sarcasm, you can be doing more damage to your relationship than you realize.
Quitting is leading, too - Nelson Mandela
It seems counterintuitive that quitting could be considered leading. The old saying goes "winners never quit"... except they do.
They quit the things that don't serve them now. They quit the things that won't get them to where they want to be.
They quit their old life in order to build a new one.
Comfort and safety can kill a man, particularly if he's not living congruent with his core. Too many of us stay in jobs, in relationships, in the same physical and financial health because what we say we believe about them, about how important they are, is really a bullshit story. If you're not living congruent, you're living a lie and others will notice.
Dating today is a dumpster fire and too many of you guys are slacking. If you're interested in a woman and want to court, date, and even marry her, it's going to take more than "Netflix and chill". Step up your game and show her what she means to you.
Excuses are the art that decorates a mediocre life. We all make excuses.. why we can't do something, why we can't go after what we want, etc...
All your life is a sum of your decisions, both conscious and subconscious. There are no coincidences. Cherish every connection you make... you chose it.
Want to kill your relationship?
Do this one thing and I guarantee you'll be headed to the single life.
Confidence is one of those funny things. We have it one moment, and the next it can abandon us faster than a cat spooked by the vacuum cleaner revealing our insecurity. Yet it's by confronting and overcoming our insecurities our confidence grows.
As Tony Robbins says, it's not resources, but your resourcefulness that ultimately determines your success. Just like people who couldn't find solutions to stock up on water before Hurricane Irma, most people go through life without the ability to adapt. You have plenty of tools besides a hammer in your box... and not everything in life looks like a nail.
There's something alluring to the myth of the loner, the man who faces the world on his own. We're raised with the ideal that the conquering hero is one who faces monsters and defeats them on his own.
It's a dangerous myth.
No man is an island.
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together"
"The sooner you step outside of your comfort zone, the sooner you'll realize it wasn't that comfortable."
If you were disappointed in the Great American Eclipse, it's probably because you set unrealistic expectations.... If you're disappointed in your life, it's probably, at least partially, for the same reason.
Following the events in Charlottesville, those in positions of leadership showed a stunning lack of moral courage. Whether it was due to fear or politics is no matter. In life there are times where right and wrong are clearly defined. It's time for men to step up and be moral leaders.
"I'm tired of reading about the achievements of better men than me."
This is the rallying cry of every man who dared to go for greatness.
Are you tired yet?
God/Life/The Universe often gives us more than we can handle. The purpose isn't to break us, but to teach us to lean on those around us for help. A strong man can admit when he's weak. A weak man never admits he needs help.
It's a philosophy carried over from my military days... Embrace The Suck.
It basically means "Yes, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do to change what happened, so embrace it and move on."
Although us men like to think that we can fix anything, there are times when we have to call in a professional. In life, if you've been trying to 'fix' your life and can't seem to make any progress, then perhaps it's time that you hire a professional to coach you through your challenges, teach you new skills, and help you develop the roadmap that will get you where you want to go.
If you're ready to hire a pro, send me a message and let's talk.
The best piece of relationship advice consists of 3 words.
Be. The. Hero.
Trust me, guys... this is the shizz.
Most people set goals from a place of lack and their goal lists reflect that. Most goal lists are full of things they don't have or haven't done. Successful goal setting involves a mindset of abundance and a list that includes things you always wanted AND achieved.
Today, us men are struggling under the despotism of hegemonic masculinity, or the social construct of what a man is supposed to be. This ideal has been passed down from generation to generation until it has become ingrained in our culture. Any deviation from this ideal is seen as weakness, as "feminization", and it's killing more and more men every year.
Our limiting beliefs are rooted in our subconscious, which takes in unfiltered information from the first moment we open our eyes. Then, by the time we're 7 or 8, our operating system is pretty much set.
So, realistically, we allow our lives to be run by the 7 year old version of us.
Every guy has spent some time in the 'friend zone'... some of us have spent a lot of time there. We languish away dreaming of the day that the object of our affection will magically wake up one day, fall madly in love with us, and we'll live happily ever after.
There's a reason fairy tales like that are left to books and Hollywood movies.
In order to fix the world, a 21st Century Man needs a solid moral code to live by and a calibrated moral compass to guide him. The first rule of this new man code is simple... Don't be a dick.
The myth of the golden handcuffs is a bullshit story you tell yourself to justify staying in a job you hate. Listen to this episode to learn how I secured a new engineering position in a new industry at 40 years old without the requisite technical degree.
Father's Day is like the last thing in the clearance bin of holidays, an afterthought in the time of transition from the school year to summer vacation. Dads, let's ditch the ties, barbecues, and rounds of golf and instead make Father's Day a meaningful holiday to us and our families.
Being a man today is far different than what it was for our fathers and grandfathers. The world is moving fast and our generation of men is falling further and further behind trying to hold on to the past and also navigate an uncertain future. The time has come to redefine manhood and create a movement of 21st Century men that will impact the world for generations to come.