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I recently sat with a client who was devastated over the loss of a dream. This door was clearly closed in his life and there was no real chance of him ever achieving it. There is very little in life that is as painful as the loss of a dream. His inability to move past this loss cost him his entire family. I wish he had come to me sooner. He was grieving so hard that he couldn’t even see the amazing blessings he had in front of him … until they were gone.

Grieving the Loss of a Dream?Life is tough sometimes. I have never heard a success story that didn’t include failures along the way. Relationship breakups, loss of friends and families, death, failed businesses, failed dreams… I swear I am not trying to depress you, but if you have reached your third decade, chances are that you have encountered a time in your life that reflected one of the scenarios listed.

So, you failed. Or you lost something or someone precious. Is it time to curl up in a fetal position for the rest of your life? Nope! Should you keep banging on a clearly shut door? Nope!

It’s time to re-direct. Plus, what you can create from this experience has the potential to be amazing! After the birth of my daughter and her diagnosed genetic disorder, I felt that my life was over and would forever be filled with fear, worry, and obsession over her condition. The following poem (excerpt) helped me see that though my life would be different than I imagined, it could be even better than I ever dreamed!

Welcome to Hollandby Emily Perl Kingsley
…it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things… about Holland.

Time for Plan B: Here’s How to Embrace Your New Life1. Take the appropriate time to grieve.It is so much easier to drown your sorrows in distractions. We expect to be relieved from the pain. Although we feel emotional and physical pain in the same area of the brain, sorry, there’s no Vicodin or extra-strength aspirin for heartbreak. It’s important to remember that loss compounds loss, especially ungrieved loss. What that means is that if you haven’t fully grieved this loss, the next loss will be felt even stronger, sometimes exponentially so. And this is how people become emotionally crippled in life.

Have you ever felt like someone had an exaggerated response to the loss of something? It’s probably because they never fully processed a previous loss. Some of us want to shortcut the grief and get it over with already. Some of us want to wallow in it. Although everyone grieves differently, neither end of the spectrum works well.

So, spend some time grieving. Listen to your sad songs, get angry, eat your ice cream (actually don’t), drink some wine (not too much), yell, scream, cry, write, work out or veg in bed all day. Do your thing! But you must do it. Feel those hard feelings and move through it. They are scary, but I promise they won’t kill you.

2. Don’t create a secondary loss.Force yourself to stay connected with those you love and who love you. Let everyone else go—that’s fine, but keep connected to your loved ones. I know you don’t want to, but I am speaking tough love now. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do because it keeps you alive (like eating and going to the bathroom). You cannot allow your loss to create more loss in your life (remember my client above?). Take care of your responsibilities or utilize your loved ones to help you do that. When you come out of this, you will need them. Get professional help if you are unable to do this.

3. Talk about it.This isn’t so hard when we have experienced trauma by no fault of our own. But what about when you directly created or played a large part in your loss? It can be really hard to talk about it. In addition to grieving, you have to work on forgiving yourself as well. Keeping secrets is such a burden. Sometimes you don’t even know how heavy that burden is until you finally let it go. Talk to someone, yes, please talk to someone. If you are too ashamed to speak to your friends and family or you feel like you are a burden, find a professional. Just. Get. It. Out.

3. Get over it already.For many losses, that pain doesn’t ever totally go away, but the way you carry it makes all the difference in the world! The point of “getting over it” isn’t so that you no longer feel the pain, but rather, it’s so that you’re able to also fully experience life even though you carry some pain! You will carry a part of your loss as a badge. Life hit you hard and you got through it. But it must be a badge, not a burden or your identity. For some people, this new normal may be created in a matter of months. For others, this may take years. There is no timetable for grief to end.

4. Create new goals.Life may have felt like it came to a screeching halt, but it didn’t. It took a super sharp painful turn and it’s going to straighten out. It’s a wacky feeling when the rug has been yanked out from under you and you watch how the rest of the world has gone on without you. There is a feeling of disconnect—like you are in a totally different dimension. But, there is still life out there to grab.

Start thinking of where you want this path to take you and start writing down your goals—maybe short-term for now, but the long-term ones must come as well. As you walk towards your goals, some clarity will come and you will feel less lost.

5. Practice thankfulness.Darn, this is hard when you may feel like God took away your dream or the future you saw for yourself. What’s there to be thankful for and why bother? A simple Google search demonstrates the crazy benefits of practicing thankfulness. Just thinking of something to be thankful for in your life increases dopamine and increases activity in the hypothalamus with resulting decreased depression, decreased physical ailments, better sleep, decreased anxiety, and overall more satisfaction in your life. They couldn’t make a pill that could do all those things with no side effects!

Loss happens. It’s a part of life. It can make us stronger and more resilient for the future. It all depends on how you respond to it. So, roll with the punches and punch back when the timing is right!

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It was kind of like a modern-day beauty pageant, minus the talent section. It required no essay entrance exam or interview portion. There were truly only two necessary attributes to be invited into King Xerxes harem—beauty and virginity. That was it. Young girls from every province of the kingdom were screened, gathered, and brought into the harem based solely on these two qualities.

Meet EstherShe’s an unlikely hero of the Bible, and I like that about her. I get her. Even though thousands of years separate us (and, you know, one of us was royalty and the other not), she and I are not very different. Her lessons are my lessons, our hearts connected. It would be easy to dismiss her story, to deem it irrelevant to our modern lives with its archaic themes of kingdoms and servitude. But, as you will come to find, there is much we can learn from this inspiring true story, and it is as relevant today as it was a thousands of years ago.

The only thing we know about Esther is that she is beautiful. An orphaned Jew, raised by her uncle Mordecai, she was brought into the harem because of her lovely figure and her beauty (Esther 2:7). In the harem it pays to be beautiful, and Esther was favored. She was given attendants to wait on her every need, completed 12 months (yes, twelve) of beauty treatments…myrrh, perfume, and cosmetics. In fact, her beauty was so pleasing to the king that he named her queen.

A woman favored for her beauty, rewarded for her attractiveness, and groomed to be a queen because she was pretty. And if her story ended there, we wouldn’t think twice about it, right? Our world today is not that much different. Beauty matters. And it matters a lot. It did then, in ancient times when women lived with almost no rights and no opportunity and it does now, despite thousands of years of progress and revolution. My story, like Esther’s, starts with a girl who prizes beauty above all else.

What we learn through Esther’s life, her rise to become the Queen of Persia, and her iconic display of heroism, is that there is always more going on than what meets the eye. There is always a “but, God” both in our lives and Esther’s.

But, GodGod was in the details of Esther’s story. While he’s never mentioned in the book, not once, we can still see how his divine authority, power, and purpose aligned to set the stage. Esther, a Jewish woman, was seated on the throne of the most powerful empire in the world at a time when the Jewish people, as a race, were under immense threat. This was no coincidence. It was not just being in the right place at the right time. This was God.

But God’s providence goes deeper than just dropping Esther in the right place at the right time. He sees everything through to completion (Philippians 1:6) and like we would expect from a good father here on earth, our heavenly Father is there right alongside us throughout the entire story.

When you examine Esther’s story you see this. You can see how his providence provided Esther with favor, both with the leader of her harem and also with the king himself. Were it not for God’s hand, the outcome of both her own life and the lives of countless others would be drastically different, as it was God bending the king’s ear to her (Proverbs 21:1) and it was God placing her in a position to petition him. We see God in her story just as we can see him in our own.

A Woman of God and a Choice to ActEsther, though, was not a passive puppet in the story of her life. But rather we watch her transform, grow and come into her own as we read. We meet a girl who hides her heritage and accepts her fate as just a beautiful face and we witness her find her courage, hatch a plan, and outwit the “bad guy.” God placed her in the right position, but it was her choice to act. She knew the risks. She knew that approaching the king without a summons was punishable by death. She knew the previous queen, Vashti, was banished for her defiance. This was not an easy choice.

Yet she did not remain silent. She prayed. She fasted. She chose wisdom over haste and creatively gained favor and regard with the king by inviting him and Haman, the king’s highest nobleman, and also the man behind the edict to destroy the Jewish race, to a banquet. She fed them well, served them well, and invited them to another banquet the following night. By acting wisely and appealing to the king’s ego, she earned such high favor that he offered her anything she requested, up to half of his kingdom.

Esther was no fool.

Her choice to act, and act wisely, coupled with God’s favor and providence, placed the king directly in her palm and saved the entire Jewish race from destruction.

I relate to Esther. She is my kind of girl. Her story is my kind of story. Not because I’ve ever been married to royalty or saved an entire race of people. And I certainly wasn’t subject to years worth of beauty treatments (ain’t nobody got time for that). But like her, for most of my life, I defined myself by my outside—not my inside.

Like many young girls, I bought the lie that a woman’s most important asset is how she looks. The compliments I heard most, the attention I received, all centered around being “cute” or “pretty.” Not my intelligence, my bravery, or my strength, but my pretty face. People didn’t expect much of me; I was treated delicately, like the world might break me. I absorbed this, it seeped into my being, this idea that I was not strong, but pretty, and that was it.

It shaped every aspect of my life, from my education to my career choices. I worked just hard enough in school to skate by, but always had a boyfriend and always hung with the cool crowd. I didn’t cultivate great talents or become a great athlete or class leader. I was the pretty girl. And I was content with that because I believed it was what mattered most.

I landed great jobs in the fashion industry. I rose up the ranks as a recruiter (both roles that were covertly contingent on how I looked and the image I portrayed). I got married and was the perfect corporate arm-candy wife. I made a beautiful young mom.

Like Esther, We Are Called to MoreAnd while my story is not nearly as dramatic as Esther’s, eventually, I too was called to more. I had to find my voice and become more than a pretty face. God placed me in rough spots, where like Esther, I had to grow up, step up, and choose life or death. But God, being the good Dad that he is, didn’t just plop me into these rough spots without promising his help. He didn’t leave me in the mess alone; he was with me every step of the way. And so, in Esther’s case and in my own, I see this mysterious meshing of God’s divine providence and human responsibility.

He gave me a child with special needs who needed me to become his advocate, his strength, his caregiver. I had to fight harder than I’ve ever fought through insurance battles and doctors visit, weaving my way through our complicated medical system to get him the care he needed. God made me his mother and equipped me for the job, but it was my job to use my voice and stand up for my child. It was my choice to act.

And again, God gave me a daughter who needed to see her mother as a strong woman, one with substance and confidence. He gave this girl to me knowing that it would push me and stretch me, forcing me to use the gifts he’d given me wisely, so I could help her become a confident child in her own right, not just another pretty face.

And finally, God gave me a child with ADHD, a challenging child, one who struggles to settle down, sit still, and conform to the world. I didn’t ask for this challenge for my son. I didn’t want him to have to fight his way through anxiety and counseling and constant conflict. But God gave it to him, and He gave this boy to me. And I am right by my son’s side, fighting for him, working with him, loving on him (even when it’s hard), because he needs me. And I know how to do it because I’m also that child, and my Father does it for me.

He Equips Us to Live Out Our StoryGod is always in the details, even the ones that don’t seem pretty or nice or clean. He’s there, in the midst of our stories, and he’s making a way through the sea though sometimes with footprints unseen (Psalm 77:19). We see this in Esther. We see how he placed her right in the middle of literal life and death circumstances. We see how God used her story to prepare her “for such a time as this.”

And my dear, he’s placed you in the middle of your story for the same reason. I know how hard it is to see when the path is unclear and you’re facing difficult decisions that you never, in a million years, saw coming. It’s hard to see when you’re hurting or your child is struggling. You wonder where God is. You ask Him, “Why?”

We might never, on this side of heaven, know the reason we struggle. We might not understand why our path seems so rocky and the road rife with roadblocks and pitfalls. But we can know, even in the middle of our darkest pain, that God is there in the details and he wants to bear our burdens. He was for Esther, and he is for you.

And more than that, he’s given you every single thing you need to step up with courage. Whether you feel strong enough does not matter. Esther didn’t, she tried to bargain herself out of it; she knew the stakes were incredibly high. And she was scared.

But, God…

There’s always a “but, God,” you know?

But God was with her. He was her strength. He gave her the voice she needed, right when she needed it. And he is with you, too. He gave you what you need. He’s with you every step of the way. Keep going. Find your voice. Find your grit and grace. You, my dear, were born for such a time as this.

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For some unexplained reason, my husband called all our grandchildren ‘George’ even though they reminded him repeatedly what their names were. These three kiddos loved their grandpa despite the teasing. Or maybe because of it.

Grandpa was the one who let them dump out all the Legos and then he’d sit with them on the living room floor building extravagant structures. He was the one who gave wheelbarrow rides when they helped him rake leaves (I’m not sure how much help toddlers are, but still… there were the wheelbarrow rides).

And then one day, their beloved grandpa was diagnosed with late-stage disease, and although he lived much longer than expected, he was gone from his grandkids’ lives much sooner than they wanted.

How to Talk to Children about Death and DyingAs life rushes past and death comes knocking on our doors to collect our loved ones, how do we explain terminal illness and death to grandchildren? And how do we help them through their loss?

From my experience, here are three recommendations:

Communicate honestly. Explanation about a serious illness and dying should be given in doses based on the child’s age and ability to understand. An article from Crosswalk encourages parents to explain what’s going on to their younger children in simple words. “Here is an example of what you could say in a very calm way: ‘I have some sad news to tell you. Grandpa died and won’t be here anymore.’”

The article went on to say how literal children can be, which means we need to be careful in choosing our words. “For example, saying someone got sick and passed away could lead to kids becoming worried that when they get sick, they may die too.”

Our oldest grandchild was 4 years old when her grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her parents told her what she needed to know at the time, explaining that even though Grandpa looked well, he was sick and was trying to eat more healthfully. Our granddaughter loved baking cookies with me, and her grandpa loved stealing spoonfuls of cookie dough. The 4-year-old kept a close eye on him and tattled when necessary. (It was often necessary.)

Provide an outlet for saying goodbye. According to an article titled “When There Is a Funeral or Memorial Service… Helping Children Cope,” kids benefit from attending funerals and other celebrations of life. “Some will want to speak about the lost grandparent at a funeral, or pay tribute by singing or playing an instrument, and, if at all possible, those wishes should be accommodated.”

Our daughter Summer was with us in Oregon as her father was dying, while our son-in-law Josh held down the fort with the three grandkids in New Jersey. Josh and Summer asked the kids to each write a letter to their grandpa, which were read to him:

“You played a big role in my life and I have really looked up to you,” penned the oldest, 14 years old at the time. “No matter how annoying your jokes are and how much you like the Broncos … you have always made me smile.”

The 12-year-old boy, a tease like his grandfather, wrote, “We were always teasing each other about who would win the Super Bowl (the Seahawks won, by the way)…. I love you and remember all the fun times I had with you.”

“I hope you feel good soon,” wrote the youngest at age 6. “Jesus will take good care of you, really good care of you. I miss you.”

The letters provided a good outlet for the grands to say goodbye to their grandpa. And the 12-year-old read his full letter at his grandfather’s Celebration of Life service.

Keep memories alive. After my husband died, I flew east to spend Christmas with the munchkins. I didn’t want my kids or grandkids to feel uncomfortable talking about their dad and grandfather in front of me. So I brought him up in conversation a few times.

“Grandpa would have thought that was funny.”

“Remember when you were four and you walked in the front door and called Grandpa ‘George’ before he got a chance to call you ‘George’?!”

While tucking in the 6-year-old, I reminded her that her grandpa would have said, “Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t bite the bed bugs!”

Since Then…A year after my husband passed, Summer and Josh adopted three young brothers from Uganda. The boys never got to meet their grandfather, but they’ve heard plenty of stories about him. They love watching the Grandpa Video, created by my son-in-law for my husband’s Celebration of Life service. And they always have questions: “Wait, how did that bird get on his head?” “Did you climb that mountain?” “How old is Mom in this picture?”

I suspect children are more resilient than we think. The three grandchildren who knew him have done well with their grandfather’s death, even though they’ve expressed how much they miss him. I suspect for the rest of their lives, these three will remember their fun, cookie-dough-stealing, corny-joke-telling grandfather with gladness in their hearts.

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When a death or other sudden loss rattles you, it can be hard to understand God’s role in it all. We hope this podcast episode offers some hope: “Why, God?” Finding Hope when Faith Is Battered – 188

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A storm was raging above us as I held my daughter, hunkered down in our crawlspace. WA tornado warning had been issued a few minutes before, and to my ears, it sounded like it was passing right over us. The wind and the rain were terrifying.

I had no control over the preservation of our home, nor the safety of our lives. I had done the one small thing I could—get to safety—and the rest was up to God. I knew surrendering to God was the right decision, even as I was shaking with fear. And so I did.

I couldn’t call to mind the perfect worship song or the perfect scripture to recite. But the truth of God’s Word is planted in my heart, so I simply prayed, professing who I know He is, confessing my fear, and committing to trust Him in whatever outcome. I reminded myself over and over that God is good, that God is good to me, and that even if the worst-case scenario should play out, who God is remains unchanging.

Swept Up in AnxietyA while back, God brought my attention to Philippians 4 and its anti-anxiety prescription: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” He taught me that when I bookend my anxious prayers with praise, it is a powerful weapon. I’ve put this to the test several times and found that it does work.

I feel anxious about short-term problems that may throw a wrench in my day but have a fairly minimal impact on life overall. But I feel panicked about big issues that throw my whole life into upheaval. The panic scenarios are permanent or long-lasting. They represent things I’ll have to navigate day after day, things that have physical and emotional fallout for weeks, months, even years to come.

The two major triggers lately are tightly woven into the fabric of my reality:

• Nighttime text messages from my family, because it’s been less than a year since my mother’s final battle against cancer and only a few months since my grandmother’s sudden passing.
• Severe weather warnings, because twice in the last few months our weather has gone from 0 to tornado with almost no warning. I’m a Pacific Northwest girl, and I’ve come to learn that I’ll take any other natural disaster; I draw the line at tornados.

When I experience one of these triggers, I go into fight or flight so fast that it takes an extra degree of intentionality to break out of the cycle. What God has shown me most recently is that when I’m feeling powerless and panicked, I need to surrender my will, embrace His, and choose to trust that His goodness is greater than my circumstances.

You Can’t Do Anything AnywayNot to be discouraging, but often when we’re overloaded and panicked, there’s nothing we can do anyway. We can’t control people, death, or the weather. What we can control is how we choose to surrender.

Surrendering what we can’t control may seem redundant. However, the act of surrender acknowledges God’s ultimate authority and sovereignty. It’s praying with Jesus, “Father, Your will be done (Matthew 26:39).”

God’s will always wins out. Our surrender is alignment. Surrender is accepting His sovereignty, goodness, and provision in our lives, regardless of our immediate circumstances.Because here’s the thing: Sometimes, God’s will does not feel good to us. It’s terrifying, heartbreaking. Even when we can’t do anything, we still want to fight.

Some of the things we encounter in this life are not good for us. Good may come out of it, eventually, but a bad thing is a bad thing. It doesn’t need to be rebranded as a blessing in disguise or God’s mysterious working. Surrender says, “I trust You, Lord, to do something good, even if it doesn’t feel good to me.”

How Do We Surrender?The act of surrender can be hard. Merriam Webster’s definition is “to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand.” Surrender isn’t just inaction or going with the flow; it’s putting ourselves under the authority of another (God). Surrender is the act of giving up our autonomy, which at least in Western cultures is something to be avoided at all costs.

When I surrender to God’s will, I’m not just crossing my arms and pouting while His will plays out around me. Instead, I look for the ways He wants me to act in alignment with His will. The place it begins is in prayer, acknowledging God’s authority and His power over all things. We pray with David, “Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me, O LORD God of truth (Psalm 31:5).” And sometimes, we pray that prayer about our loved ones, more than ourselves.

Some of the things we encounter in this life are not good for us. Good may come out of it, eventually, but a bad thing is a bad thing. It doesn’t need to be rebranded as a blessing in disguise or God’s mysterious working.

I wish surrender was a one-and-done kind of thing, that I could acknowledge my lack of control, profess God’s authority, and move on with my life. But as summer storms keep reminding me, surrender is a choice that I have to make each day, and sometimes for each situation.

Thankfully, Scripture is full of reminders and professions of God’s faithfulness, trustworthiness, and steadfast love. We aren’t throwing ourselves at the feet of someone who may or may not care what happens to us. We are throwing ourselves at the feet of a Father-God who loves us more than we can imagine.

When the Outcome Isn’t What You Prayed ForOnce we’ve reminded ourselves that we know the One who is in control, we choose to trust Him. In Psalm 31:14-16 David prays, “But I trust in You, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! Make Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your steadfast love!”

It’s not wrong to ask for a certain outcome while surrendering. In the garden, Jesus asked to be spared from the cross. The distinction is submission to God’s will, even when the outcome isn’t what we wanted or prayed for.

In some situations, we surrender and God asks us to actively walk a certain path. Maybe it’s giving up a job or a relationship that isn’t for you. Maybe it’s living as a light in a city or state you’re anxious to move away from.

In other situations, such as sick loved ones and scary weather, we don’t have a choice of whether we will walk in God’s will or not. My mom and my grandma both died, and that is my reality now. I can’t move my house out of a tornado’s path. Surrendering to God’s will in these situations looks like continuing to praise Him and proclaiming His steadfast love, regardless of what happens.

At the end of Psalm 31, David writes, “Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD (vs.24).” Beside this verse, I have the following note: “Hope leads me to courage and strength of heart, but how? Hope is coming back to the Bible, worshiping, praying, seeking, even when I feel disappointed or discouraged.”

I think surrender works the same way. It’s coming back to God as often as necessary, reminding myself of His authority and control. Confessing my fears and asking God to help me accept whatever His will is.

Finding Peace in Surrendering to God God’s will feels hard sometimes. The last couple of years have felt full of death and disease for my family. It feels especially hard to surrender in these situations. It almost feels wrong to pray, “Lord, Your will be done,” about someone else’s sickness. It can feel like what I’m saying is, “Lord, if You want to take them to heaven now, that’s fine by me.” Which is a) not how I feel at all and, b) kind of not my place. I can’t surrender on behalf of anyone else.

But here’s the thing: When we don’t admit our lack of control and surrender to God, we can’t find peace. We hang on to a sense of pressure to do something to make the situation better, even as our rational minds scream that there’s nothing we can do. Sometimes, God’s will takes someone out of our lives. We can’t surrender on their behalf, but we can surrender the grip we have on them.

This is true whether our loved one is sick, walking in rebellion, or sheltering with us from a storm. Surrender demands that we loosen our grip on whatever we’re holding on to. But we have assurance that God does not leave us empty-handed.

Strength to Weather the StormI think sometimes we—or at least I—assume that successful surrender or a victory over anxiety and panic means that we don’t feel the impact of it. But it’s not that way for me, at least not currently. God and I are side-by-side fighting against the darkness, His strength sustaining me through the battle and giving me just enough to make it through the rest of the day.

If you’re in a similar situation, let me just say that it’s not wrong to physically feel your anxiety or panic. That’s just one more thing we don’t have much control over. As we heal from the traumas, I believe we’ll have more distance to be able to intercept the anxiety and panic and surrender before it derails our day. But when it’s raw, our nervous systems kick in, just the way God designed them to.

He knows our biology. He does not hold it against us. He invites us to bring the whole mess to Him for help. He will fight by your side through the darkness, He will give you strength to get through the rest of the day—even if that means snuggling on the couch watching a movie.

Sometimes we surrender and find that God removes the storm. And sometimes we surrender and find that we still have to walk through the agony. But surrender reminds us that we are not alone. The God who is in control over all things is the same God who walks beside us and carries us when it gets too hard. Surrendering to God is resting in His arms.

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Anxiety may still creep in, even after you surrender. Caroline Beidler, MSW, joined the Smart Living with Grit and Grace podcast to share practical ways she overcame her own struggle with anxiety. Listen here: Living with Anxiety? Bring It Into the Light and Find Hope with Caroline Beidler – 235

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Not too long ago, I had wondered what losing someone close to you would feel like. Someone my age—still in college with hopes, dreams, and aspirations—suddenly losing their life. How would I handle this?

Until now, I had never known anyone personally who had died an untimely and sudden death. My good friend who I had met through college was a young Christian man. He was well-known for his positive attitude and funny interactions. He was someone you could have any kind of conversation with, from talking about board games and video games to deep, late-night conversations.

One morning, I woke up to a text from our mutual friend, informing me of the tragic news: He had been in a head-on collision with someone who had driven into his lane, and he was killed.

At first it didn’t hit me. Was it a joke? Surely someone our age wouldn’t die in such a way. I had heard about it, but this couldn’t be happening to someone I knew, that I had conversations with. Someone who meant more to me than just a name in the news. But it was, and there was no bringing him back.

Reflection in MourningThrough the heartbreak and mourning of his friends and family, I have done a lot of reflection. We don’t truly know when God is calling us home, and in an instant, we can be standing on the edge of eternity without warning.

I truly believe that God works in mysterious ways, and through the death of my friend, I want to honor his legacy by living a life I can be proud of. We tend to take so many things for granted and ignore the possibility of our own mortality.

Every day, we should count our blessings and give thanks to God that He allows us to live such a privileged life. We don’t think of our privilege often, but just waking up in your own bed with a roof over your head are three blessings within five seconds of starting your day. Leaving our homes to head off to our jobs and having internet for our phones to access content (such as this) to find comfort in our situations are four more blessings.

We don’t get to decide how or when we will move on, but we do get to decide what we do with our lives leading up to that point.

Finding Purpose After My Friend’s DeathWe don’t get to decide how or when we will move on, but we do get to decide what we do with our lives leading up to that point. We get to decide to make choices that honor God, choices that connect those around us with the warmth of His love.

My friend knew many people around campus, and I can’t name a single person who had anything negative to say about him. When I go, I want to have the same impact on others that he had on all of us. And I can do that through living my life to the fullest, welcoming everyone to my table, giving the clothes off of my back, and helping my community. This is not a call to hide your hurt but to transform it into something meaningful, touching the hearts around you with God’s love.

You are not alone when it comes to grief and loss. God is with you at every step through the healing process, and He is with our loved ones who left before us.

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Struggling with the loss of someone you loved? We hope the steps outlined in this article comfort you: The Grief Ladder: 5 Rungs to Climb for Hope After Loss

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When I was six months pregnant with twins, I talked my husband into getting an L-shaped sectional as an act of self-care. My cute, little micro-suede sofa from my single life no longer cut it. I needed something heftier, sturdier—something to hold all of me up.

After he said “yes” to my new couch, I was ecstatic because I knew my life was going to dramatically change. No longer did I have to twist and turn like a manatee on a rock. All of me (well, almost) could fit when lying down and I could even bring my extra favorite body pillows (yes, there were two) to wedge just below my tummy to hoist it up as I enjoyed eating all of the crazy things my babies craved: pounds of hummus, pickle sandwiches, and endless cans of peaches.

Every Mom Needs to Make Time to Slow DownI was very pregnant. So pregnant. To give you an idea of size, both my babies were born full term for twins and weighed in at a healthy seven pounds apiece. Now, that is a whole lot of baby—especially for a new mom. I’m still not sure how they got the space, but somehow, miraculously, I was able to stretch and stretch and stretch to accommodate them. They’ve always been such demanding (but so adorable!) little nuggets.

Around this same time, I also decided to cut back on work and work from home. I was getting out of breath when walking back and forth from the office and dizziness would strike off and on throughout the day. And this is when the gnawing whisper began: Slow down.

The whisper turned into a crossing guard at an elementary school shouting, “Slow down!” My mother’s gut or intuition and these more-than-mild nudges led me to the ultimate realization that my main job was to grow these babies and make sure they came into the world with their best chances for health.

Twin pregnancies, especially for older women (by the way, whoever decided being over 35 was a “geriatric pregnancy”—I have some beef with them), can have complications. So, I slowed down. I started working from home. I took very long naps every afternoon and stood in the shower and rubbed my belly with lime and bergamot salt scrub every night. And oh, the lounging! The glorious, delicious lounging on that L-shaped sectional.

Why Is It So Hard For Moms to Practice Self-Care?Now that the babies are on the outside, taking care of myself (for them, but also for me) is equally as important as when they were in utero. But most days, it can be so difficult to do. There are meals to prepare, diapers to change, laundry to fold, toilets to scrub, groceries to get, family to FaceTime, a husband to hang out with, Zoom meetings to attend, and the list goes on and on and on. By the end of most days, the last thing I think about (other than consuming lots of sweet or salty or heck—why not both—snacks) is taking care of my precious self in healthy ways.

Unfortunately, it usually takes me getting to the edge. You know what I mean. The momma and wife edge where if one more human being requires me to do one more thing I may snap in half like the stick my son insists is safe to run down the hill with. I’m frazzled, irritable, and when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the haggard, Ms. Frumps staring back at me. I need a break—or I might just literally break down.

Therefore, I have learned in motherhood that taking care of myself is an act of radical love.

When Mom Gets a Little Me-Time, It Helps the Whole FamilyThankfully, I still get these nudges from time to time, these whispers or louder shouts to slow down again, and the little reminders that self-care is just as important and just as radical an act as loving on my kids and husband.

I decide to draw a warm bath, sprinkle it with lavender salts, dim the lights, light a candle, and step in. I close my eyes and exhale a long, slow, loving breath. I soak until I almost fall asleep and then wrap my momma bod in a soft towel. I sit on the edge of the bed and rub sweet-smelling lotion onto my legs and feet. If I’ve got a little extra time, I paint my toenails. If I’m feeling feisty, I paint them red. Then I put on the comfiest, cutest sweats and snuggle into the soft indent on my favorite section of the couch.

Again, I exhale and feel loved. And this is radical because I don’t really have the time—but I know I need to make the time. Everyone in my life, including me, benefits from me being as relaxed and rejuvenated as a mom of young kids (or any age kids) can be. I need to learn to consistently love on myself and do those sometimes-simple things to help me care for myself and feel that love. I’m worth it—and momma, so are you!

—
Don’t miss this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How To Make Self-Care Part of Your Life With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 155!

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When I was growing up, the family joke was that my parents would be able to identify me by my palm (because as a teen I would ask for money with my hand open). Now, we can say we can identify our children by the tops of their heads bent over their phones.

Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed they are only half paying attention to you and are staring intently at their phones? If you have a teenager, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. The person is focused on their device while ignoring you—a person in close contact with them.

Welcome to the season of phubbing. Phubbing is defined as “the act of ignoring someone you are with and giving attention to your cell phone instead” according to the Cambridge Dictionary.

Teen Phubbing Is Rampant—And It Damages RelationshipsAs summer draws closer the children are home from school, missing their friends, trying to make plans amongst themselves, and keeping current through socials so they don’t miss anything important. All the while, they are missing the people around them.

Recently I watched a teen at a track meet, staring intently at his phone almost the entire time we were there (hours) minus the five minutes of his actual event. What could he be doing on there for that long in public? I noticed that when the other kids tried to interact with him, he blatantly ignored them while he staring at his phone. This kid was a master phubber.

Phubbing is hurting our relationships, mental health, and our eyes! When you are ignoring others who are physically with you, you may as well be alone. The loneliness that Gen Z feels has become overwhelming, especially since the pandemic. The other generations don’t want to see you phubbing them either (and Gen Z is not the only culprit).

What happened to doing real life together with people? We were created for community, not for staring at a screen.

Studies dating back to before 2017 show that phubbing was becoming a phenomenon. It’s not something new, but it does appear to be getting worse. Simply go to a restaurant and look around at the people eating. More often than not, at least half are on their phones.

Recently while my husband and I were on a date night, I watched a family (parents and kids) all sit on their phones their entire meal and only looked up when the son asked for the ketchup bottle. This observation made me sad for people. I don’t get out much and don’t have a lot of outside interaction in real life with people due to several factors. When I witness these things, it’s hard to understand why people would choose their phone over real people.

The Institute for Family Studies conducted a small study of 143 adults in the United States, the study concluded that 46% reported experiencing phubbing with their partner and 23% stated it was problematic in their relationship. I admit I’m guilty of phubbing my spouse at times, and I’ve been phubbed by others, but I want to be different.

I want to lead my children by example and not be the family that was in the same physical space but everyone was looking at their phone. Yes, I understand we all can’t be totally off our phones always. Emergencies arise, kids are driving, and parents are aging. I get all those things, but we all can be more attentive to the ones that we are with.

Here are four ways to combat phubbing this summer.

4 Fixes for Teen Phubbing1. Put phones away at meal times and afterward.

Our family is multigenerational and we eat as a family each night. I’ve started leaving my phone on the counter—not in my pocket or on the table. Out-of-sight, out-of-mind thinking so I can enjoy the company and conversation with my family. They won’t always be around for us to enjoy their company, and they have some fascinating stories to tell about their own lives.

After dinner, we started playing a board game like Bananagrams each night to interact with one another, keeping the phones and televisions off. My grandfather is alone most of the day minus meals, and this gives him time to interact and socialize, plus it gives everyone a little mind work.

2. Limit the time that they are on devices.

Parents and grandparents have to make rules that are to be followed. Kids (and adults for that matter) don’t need to be constantly connected. Technology has blessed us with the beauty of being constantly connected, but at the same time, is there something as being too connected?

Our son has a limit on the amount of time he has on social media sites (parents—you can set this up in control settings, and there are apps to help curb social media use). As the summer approaches, set an expectation and stick to it. They are allowed on their phones/devices at certain times and that’s it.

3. Have real conversations with your kids, learn a new skill, read a book, or just enjoy spending time together.

Ever received those one-word responses from your child because they weren’t paying attention to you? Have you tried to have a conversation with a teenager recently? The mumbles and the one-word responses show our kids aren’t skilled in social interaction in person. At some point, they may need to be able to converse with someone. If we can help them learn to interact with others in person, we may be able to help offset some of the feelings of loneliness that people seem to be experiencing.

4. Stop watching people live and start living.

Go out and experience things and places together. Maybe you enjoy cooking or would at least try it, instead of watching other people do it. Join a cooking class or invite someone to make dinner with you one night. Stop watching other people live their lives on your phone and start living yours. Embrace new things and explore new places, even if it’s just a new park in your neighborhood. Get outside and enjoy spending time with the people around you and the places available to you.

What would our families look like if we stopped drowning them out and started talking to them? Can we change the phubbing phenomenon and start having conversations in real life? Can we start doing life with one another?

Please start listening intently to the ones around you. You never know what you may find out that you would have otherwise missed. As summer approaches, I am talking with my spouse about ground rules for technology that we can present to our kids. I want to be a part of their lives, not just a quick text away. I want to have real conversations and be able to enjoy and interact with those around me while living and experiencing things. I’m hanging up my phone so I can connect with the people right in front of me.

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Putting your phone to the side lets you truly experience life. Listen to this podcast episode for other ways to enjoy the present: Making the Most of Life – 236

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Ever bump into a stranger who became exactly the person you needed to meet? Or maybe you have heard a still, small voice encourage you to do something that feels inconvenient, unexpected, and uncomfortable, so you ignore it because you think you are completely unqualified to do what it suggests.

What if you listened to that whisper and acted upon it? And what if meeting that stranger wasn’t a coincidence but part of a much larger divine weave at work in the world?

Recognizing and Connecting the God DotsOver the past 15 years, I began recognizing experiences like these that I began calling the “God Dots” in my life—moments I couldn’t quite explain, yet without a doubt connected me to people and projects that were meant to be part of my story.

For a long time, I was hesitant to talk about when I caught a glimpse of God in my life for fear of what others might say. But when I did find the courage to share one or two of these stories, I found I was not met with skepticism. In fact, not only would people react in awe but inevitably, they would begin a discussion of their own God Dot stories.

That is when I began understanding their collective power. I wasn’t the only one catching a glimpse of God in my life; lots of people were having their own divine experiences. Most were just choosing to stay quiet about it. Once I started sharing with just a few people, however, I realized the problem with keeping God secret.

Don’t Keep God SecretIf we do not share when we have a direct experience with God, we limit the possibility that these encounters will have the fullest impact. In my own life, once I started speaking to others, I realized our stories were interconnected in the most extraordinary ways. We never would have understood our miraculous God Dot connections if we’d remained afraid to talk about it. The real power of grace only becomes evident when we openly discuss it in order to reveal relationships so intricate that we could not possibly design them ourselves. I was dismissing signs of God as coincidence even when I had stumbled right into holy.

Instead of dismissing my God Dots, I now actively watch for them. Now I fully believe there are no coincidences. We are not here by accident. Our fates are very much tied to one another. It is like the constellations—once someone shows you the patterns in the stars, you can’t not see them.

While the signs might be small, the connections between each of us are impossibly interwoven once we begin to pay attention. There are miracles all around us every day. When we are feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to find our path, we need to be reminded that God is not above us or beyond us but rather right beside us. God is always whispering. We just need to be ready to listen.

Listen to the WhisperIt takes courage to listen to a whisper. It takes faith to step out of the life you know and into something completely unexpected. When a whisper comes into our lives, and it feels like it is disrupting all our plans, it most certainly is. Usually, we recognize that first whisper at the moment when we are restless for purpose, wondering if this is the life we were really meant to live. It might happen when we are contemplating a job change or facing a health challenge.

At first, it might be just a whim of an idea that seems to have no relation to your present reality.

Become a teacher. But you have spent 30 years in marketing.

Write a book. But you don’t believe you have anything to say.

Volunteer at a shelter. But you are fearful of who you might meet there.

What if meeting that stranger wasn’t a coincidence but part of a much larger divine weave at work in the world?

Listening to your whispers will mean you have to risk being changed. You probably have a “fear” voice that will try to drown out the still, small voice in your soul with a reminder you that you are unqualified to attempt something different. Your very logical “to-do” voice will argue that you are too busy to dream new dreams and that you have lots of life plans that have nothing do with this quiet calling. Both voices will attempt to drown out the whisper that keeps beckoning you to the shore of a different life.

But the funny thing about whispers is that they are incredibly persistent. The whisper will keep whispering until you finally have to decide either to listen or pretend you never heard it.

Maybe you have already heard a whisper that feels inconvenient, unexpected, or uncomfortable. You might have dismissed it as a silly thought or an impossible dream because you felt unqualified. Yet at the same time, that whisper has been insistent. What should you do?

Trust the whisper.

Follow the God Dots Step by StepTake the first next step and the next. Stay on the path to see where it might take you. There will never be a neon sign to follow, just small hints that you are going in the right direction. When you keep following those small signs and whispers, you will be able to look back and see how far you have come, while at the same time understanding how far you have to go.

You will begin connecting your own God Dots and believing you are part of a divine weave that ties you to other people’s whispers. You will be led to a life you never thought possible, full of your own glimpses of God right there beside you. Even in moments when you feel lost, you will understand how you are holy found.

This new life—the one you were always meant to live—is found by listening.

It begins with a whisper.

—

This essay is an excerpt from Kathy Izard’s book, Trust the Whisper: How Answering Quiet Callings Inspires Extraordinary Stories of Ordinary Grace (Baker Books, June 2024).

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I recently entered the much despised stage of life: second puberty. More commonly known as menopause. This is a stage of life that most women go through with varying degrees of symptoms and frustrations and lengths of time. Do I want a taco? A salad? My husband’s head on a platter?

It changes often and quickly. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Other times I want all my people around me. I want to eat the carbs, but I want to stay in the same size pants, which is, for the record, impossible. I have yet to find a diet or miracle food to prevent the dreaded menopause belly, otherwise known as muffin top.

I exercise, I eat right (most of the time), I limit alcohol intake, I read books, I love my pets and my family, I am spiritual; I try, I really really try. My body has completely changed the way it reacts to everything; things aren’t where they used to be and my skin is crepe-y and speckled in places you can’t even imagine.

Yet, sheesh, I want to kill someone on the daily (I won’t, I promise). I want to eat an entire pizza. My vision is stupid, my body revolts with food I used to eat in excess (um, hello cheese and carbs), my mood swings are wild, and my filter is cracked and a little broken most days.

As I’m just getting into this body chaos, I’ve thought of a few things that are helpful for those of us just starting this stage.

10 Tips for Entering Menopause With Grace:1. Be honest with yourself.Is having that extra taco really a big deal? If your psyche can’t get past it, then don’t. But honestly, eat the tacos.

2. Exercise.Don’t be excessive and do long-term damage to your body, but go for a walk, a jog, a hike. Ride your bike, do some yoga. Find something active to do for a ½ hour each day. It’ll help stabilize your weight and reduce stress, which we all need less of. Just remember that exercise isn’t a competition (and if you’re an enneagram 3 like me, this is a dumb statement).

3. Be honest with your partner.They’re often on the receiving end of your mood swings, your binge eating, your hot flashes, and your lack of libido. Assure them it isn’t personal … most of the time.

4. Laugh.This is the biggest one for me. When I was younger, my mother never spoke of puberty or the changes happening to my body so I am open and up front about it now. I laugh about my second puberty ‘problems’ more often than imaginable. I’m a little bit crazy sometimes—and it’s funny!

5. Remember you’re human.We all make mistakes, we all bite off someone’s head without realizing it, and we all have the capability to forgive. Be self aware enough to apologize.

6. Get a puppy.What?! This one is mostly for my husband to read. It’ll help, I promise. (See how I snuck this into the middle of the list? We’ll see if he’s reading … stay tuned).

7. Stop freaking out about clothing sizes.I’ll admit I’m the first person to freak out when my pants get a little snug. I am a product of the 80s and 90s when skinny was in and strong was fat
and I have yet to find my way out of that hole. Sizes are just a number, similar to age. If you feel good, then you definitely look good!

8. Talk to your doctor.My doctor and I have been very open about this—it helps that she also is going through this forsaken second puberty. I’ve chosen not to use any hormonal supplements or medications right now, but the day is coming, I can tell. If your doctor is as good as mine, enlist their help with the varying levels of help available to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with natural or chemical supplements if it helps prevent you from doing something that will put you in the news…

9. Keep a calendar.Apparently this stage of life can last anywhere from four to 10 years, and you’re going to forget stuff you never thought you would. I literally just figured out my body a few years ago and now it’s changing again; a calendar helps you keep track of all this wildness.

10. Don’t compare.Comparing yourself to the 45-year-old woman with a tight booty, perky boobs, and firm skin is not only unnecessary and a complete waste of time, but it’s unfair. It’s unfair to you, your husband, and your children. You’re awesome, quirky menopause and all.

Everyone does this stage differently … that 45-year-old woman who seems perfect to you, well, she might have massive night sweats or some other symptom you don’t see. Trust me.

Grace, lots of grace.

Set Boundaries to Protect Your Health and HappinessOne other tidbit I’ve adopted the past few years for a variety of seasons, not just because of my sometimes irrational reactions to menopause: Set boundaries. If you have toxic relationships, it is 100% OK to remove yourself from these relationships. If you have time constraints for your job and can’t participate in someone’s fun pickleball tournament without feeling overwhelmed, then be honest and upfront about that.

Boundaries are healthy and necessary. We set them for our children and we need to give ourselves permission to set them for ourselves based on our current circumstances. If someone doesn’t like your boundaries, that’s their problem, not yours. You do not owe anyone a long drawn out reason for your mental health. Like we always tell our children, “Be honest with yourself and those around you.”

In addition to the above mentioned suggestions, make lists. Lots of lists. I also have ADHD and lists are my lifeblood, but last week I went to the grocery store without a list. I bought six bags of candy! Why? I have absolutely no idea, but they were delicious. I regret it now (only a little), but at the time, it’s what I needed. Did my pants get snug as a result? Yep. But I was happy, so happy, as I dined.

Your personal happiness is worth it. This is a tough stage. Enjoy the little things—eat the cake, drink the wine. It’s okay, it really is.

Menopause Is an Opportunity to Discover More of OurselvesMenopause isn’t a killer of dreams or a life altering disaster. Rather it creates an opportunity for us to determine what really motivates us, what our priorities are. It can give humor to an otherwise boring day. It doesn’t excuse us from being kind, but rather encourages us to be aware of our words and actions so we’re not turning into wild and untamed women.

Our partners and families love us, but they are not punching bags. God created us as complex beings. Embrace this complexity, appreciate the quirks, and encourage conversations to normalize our lives. We’ll get through this with a little collateral damage, but nothing life-altering. A little grace goes a long way.

Now, go get a snack and a good book. You deserve it.

—
Accepting love for yourself can be hard during this stage. Writer Jodi Shultz explains why you’re always enough, just as you are:

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‘Coping With Anxiety’ Asked:I recently realized the extent to which I have struggled with anxiety all my life. What are some healthy, biblical coping mechanisms I can use when anxiety and panic set in?

Dr. Zoe Answered:Dear Coping With Anxiety,

What I love about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is that it is completely Biblical. The Bible says, and modern CBT research has proven, that getting control over your thoughts is the best and most efficacious treatment for anxiety (and depression).

The Bible tells us whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about those things and the God of peace will be with you (Philippians 4:8). Basically, thinking good thoughts will give you peace! Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he…” Our thoughts are tremendously powerful, and most of us are not even aware of what we say to ourselves every day all day long.

All of this is true, but the stark reality is that it is so much easier to say “think good thoughts” than it is to do it. Many of us are not even aware of our negative thoughts, or we don’t recognize them as negative.

Many make the mistake of thinking if their faith was stronger then they wouldn’t be depressed or anxious. Your anxiety has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with the combination of the influence of your life experiences on your temperament and genetics. And presently, your anxiety is completely maintained by the stories you tell yourself about yourself and your world.

Your anxiety has nothing to do with your faith and everything to do with the combination of the influence of your life experiences on your temperament and genetics. Seeking help is Biblical.

The beautiful news is that it can be turned around. My suggestion is that you seek out a psychotherapist, trained in CBT methods who can help you recognize your faulty thought patterns and help you get in control of your thoughts, anxiety, and panic. Don’t allow anxiety to continue to control any part of your life. You don’t need to do this alone. Seeking help is Biblical.

You’ve got this. It just takes a little grit and grace!

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I stood in front of the mirror last week, staring at my hair with that familiar mix of frustration and disappointment. It wouldn’t cooperate, no matter what I tried. So I spiraled. I found myself obsessively searching Pinterest boards, product reviews, and new color ideas. Not because I really needed a change, but because I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like me.

That kind of self-talk used to be my default. I spent years caught in a cycle of self-hate and self-sabotage, trying to fix what I thought was wrong with me. I thought I had left that version of myself behind. But there she was, showing up again, whispering the same old lies.

What shocked me most was that before last week, I had been feeling good about myself. Maybe the best I ever had. I wasn’t chasing perfection anymore. I wasn’t performing for approval. I finally liked who I was. So where did this sudden wave of insecurity come from?

The truth hit me hard: There was nothing wrong with my hair. I just didn’t like myself in that moment. I needed a perspective shift, not a makeover. So, I took a walk.

The Walk That Took Me Back in TimeAs I walked, memories flooded in. I saw all the times insecurity held me back. I thought about things I didn’t try, places I didn’t go, jobs I never applied for, simply because I was afraid of failing. Or worse, afraid of looking like I was trying too hard.

I used to dim my light on purpose. Not because I wasn’t capable, but because I didn’t want to be “too much.” Somewhere along the way, I believed that if I went all in and let people see what I was truly good at, I’d be mocked, rejected, or misunderstood. So I played small.

That realization hit me like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t help but wonder who I might have become if I hadn’t spent so much time second-guessing myself.

Where My Insecurity BeganAs I kept walking, I thought about where my insecurity really started. I was a confident, goofy little girl once. I had friends, I loved to laugh, and I wasn’t afraid to be myself. But everything shifted when I hit puberty. Like many girls, that season brought confusion. Confusion not just about my body, but about my identity.

Around that time, I was also deeply involved in church. It was a good place in many ways. It was a safe space, filled with people who cared. But I internalized a version of faith that left me feeling deeply flawed. I heard the message that we were “wretched sinners” again and again. And even though the love of Christ was preached too, I couldn’t hear it clearly over the shame.

I began to view my relationship with God like a cosmic report card. Do good, get a gold star. Mess up, earn a demerit. I tried to believe in grace but my understanding was limited. For me, it felt more like performance.

And the harder I tried to “be good,” the more I failed. Not because I was hopeless, but because I was relying on my own strength to change. That’s not how transformation works. I was missing the point: It’s Jesus who changes hearts, not checklists.

The Breaking PointI lived under that weight for years. Eventually, everything came crashing down. I was in a toxic relationship that drained the life out of me. He brought out the worst in me, and I returned the favor. My sense of worth was tied so tightly to being “chosen” by someone that I stayed long past the point of damage.

After one particularly brutal fight, I stood there in the ruins of yet another emotional blowup and thought, Is this going to be the rest of my life?

That moment became my line in the sand. I ended the relationship and never looked back. But breaking free didn’t mean instant healing.

I cried. A lot. I wasn’t sure if I was mourning the relationship or the terrifying prospect of being alone for the first time. I had been so tightly wrapped in someone else’s approval that I didn’t know what to do with myself when it was gone.

But that experience became the catalyst that led to change.

In my solitude, I finally looked up and prayed. I prayed awkward, tear-streaked, unpolished prayers. I asked God to help me find who I was again. Not the person I thought I should be, but the person He created.

Meeting God AgainAs I started to seek God, I realized I had misunderstood Him for years. He wasn’t the clipboard-carrying judge I had imagined. He wasn’t waiting for me to get it all right. He was already there, already loving me, already calling me His.

I started learning about His actual character, not the version I had absorbed through fear and performance. And the more I learned about Him, the more I started learning about myself.

I wasn’t some hopeless mess He had to tolerate. I was His creation. Crafted with intention. Loved on purpose.

Discovering Myself in the MessIn that season, I started paying attention to what brought me joy, writing, creativity, singing. Things I had always loved but was too afraid to fully own.

I hesitantly started to step out in small ways. I shared my writing publicly. I started a blog called Things I Have Learned. I auditioned for a musical and got a principal role. Each step felt terrifying, but also incredibly right.

As I leaned into those gifts, something unexpected happened. The negative self-talk started to fade. Not because I was achieving more, but because I was finally living from the truth that I was already enough.

So Why the Spiral?That’s why last week’s Pinterest spiral caught me off guard. I thought I was done with all that, all the self-comparison, the beauty-fixation, the spiral of not-enoughness.

But here’s what I realized: Confidence isn’t static. It ebbs and flows. It’s not something you master once and for all. There are days when you feel unshakable and days when you’re right back in front of the mirror, picking yourself apart.

The difference now? I know what to do when it hits.

I stop. I breathe and I pray. And not just pretty prayers void of emotion, but honest ones. I tell God I’m struggling with something shallow but real. I let Him meet me there.

He may not always fix my hair, but He shifts my perspective.

Make the Decision to Overcome Insecurity Every DayConfidence and self-worth are not destinations. They’re daily choices. They require grace, patience, and connection with the One who made you. The world tells us to love ourselves by attempting to improve ourselves. The world says we should fix this, improve that, upgrade everything.

But what’s changed me most wasn’t self-improvement. It was surrender. It was bringing my insecurities to God and letting Him remind me that I’m already deeply loved, even on the days I feel like a mess.

If you’re wrestling with your reflection, whether in the mirror or in your soul, know this: The journey to overcome insecurity is hard, messy, and ongoing. But you’re not alone. And you don’t have to fix yourself to be loved.

You already are.

—
Step out. Do the thing you’ve been putting off to overcome insecurity and build a more confidence you. Here’s how to start: Now Is the Time to Ignite Your Confidence

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I checked off an impossible adventure on my lifetime bucket list: seeing the Northern Lights. It was absolutely more wondrous than I imagined and not at all what I expected—kind of like faith.

I had traveled 3150 miles to meet ten friends for a hiking adventure in Iceland. We had planned the trip for the summer of 2020 before we knew the world would close to tourism. It was already an epic feat to get ten women with busy lives and families to align calendars but then, we had to rework it all over again for the summer of 2022. As we set off from six separate cities to meet in Reykjavik, some of us couldn’t even remember why we had chosen our destination.

“Remind me why are we going to Iceland?” my friend, Carrie, asked me on the phone as we were discussing the very long packing list. In truth, I wasn’t sure either except there would be waterfalls and glaciers.

We had booked through a tour company that specialized in adventure travel. Our ten-page pre-departure packet included three pages of what not to forget. Due to the recent worldwide lost luggage warnings, I was committed to packing only one carryon bag. In addition, the weather forecast told me to expect low temperatures with 100% chance of rain. Fitting my hiking boots, rain pants, rain jacket, fleece, and sweaters all in a suitcase that could fit in the overhead compartment was a challenge, but I did it. Boarding the plane, I was already feeling a small sense of accomplishment.

Over the next seven days, the land of fire and ice did not disappoint. I would witness whales playing in the ocean, trek across both melting glaciers and ancient lava fields, and stand under thundering waterfalls. The natural beauty of Iceland is astounding with a new waterfall around every corner and moss-covered mountains spilling into impossibly blue rivers. Each night we went to sleep with dozens of photos from our day and tens of thousands of steps taken to see it all. We were always hoping, however, our day might end with the legendary green glow of the Northern Lights.

My whole life, I had always been amazed by the photos of what is also called the aurora borealis. There was something about the dancing neon lightshow in the sky that had always captivated my imagination. Somehow, I thought it only happened in the Artic Circle in the winter months, so I did not really think I might see them on a summer trip. When our tour leaders, Jon and Solvi, mentioned that it might be possible, I could not believe our luck. Not only were we going to see an active volcano that had just begun erupting in Iceland, but we might also catch the Northern Lights!

Jon explained, however, that in order to see the famous natural light show, a lot of factors had to align. First, there had to be a very specific type of solar storm on the sun that would release charged particles. Then, those particles would travel through space before interacting with the Earth’s magnetic field which transforms them into a type of visible kinetic energy. Next, to be visible, there has to be a clear night with no cloud cover and no full moon. And finally, you have to be awake in a place with little manmade light which would obscure the fickle Northern Lights. In short, the stars pretty much have to align if you were ever going to see the Aurora Borealis.

We had many evenings full of rain and clouds, so it wasn’t even a possibility until we checked into our last hotel for the final three nights of the trip. Our lodge was in a very rural area so we knew the nighttime sky would not be competing with any city lights. It was a place so well-known for sightings that they actually had a button on the phone in our room that said, “Aurora Wakeup.” By pushing it, you alerted the staff that if they saw the Northern Lights during the night, you wanted to be awakened. My roommate for the trip was my sister-in-law, Nancy, and we excitedly signed ourselves up.

We Waited with Great AnticipationThe first night was rated a “6 out of 10” and a “very good chance” so we went to bed expecting a call. I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep but really, I was trying to stay awake. I just knew any minute that the phone would ring, so I had my shoes and jacket ready at the foot of my twin bed. When I finally woke up, it was morning which meant no call had come. It was like Christmas morning and Santa forgot to show.

The second night after a great day of trekking to see seven waterfalls and two hot spring geysers, we could not really be disappointed that continued clouds and rain had made a Northern Lights sighting impossible.

After dinner on our last night, I wandered outside to take a photo of the golden sunset. The front desk clerk was also outside taking in the beauty of the ending day.

“It looks good for tonight,” he told me.

I texted our whole group and reminded them to press the Aurora Wakeup button. Nancy and I prepared our clothes and went to bed expectant. Sure enough, at 11:30 p.m. the call came. We threw on our jackets over pajamas and rushed outside. I was surprised not every hotel guest had asked for the wakeup call and was running outside—who wouldn’t want to see the Northern lights? Our whole group, however, was awake in the parking lot with Jon and Solvi staring up at the dark night. The sky appeared to be turning from gray to black with white wispy streaks filled the sky.

I was confused. Where was the neon green? Where were the bright colors I had seen in so many photos?

“You must use your camera!” Jon reminded us.

Earlier in the week, Jon had tried to explain the phenomenon of our eyes seeing with “rods and cones” and therefore the colors were difficult to catch with the naked eye. Honestly, when he had explained it, on a long van ride, I thought we had a language barrier. While his English was good, his native Icelandic accent made some of Jon’s descriptions sound a little lost in translation. He had tried to tell us that the Northern Lights would appear white, but I could not imagine that all the photos I had seen of incredible blues, greens, pinks and purples were not just spread across the heavens for all to clearly see.

Now, however, I was looking at the night sky where some people were very excitedly pointing, and all I saw was a gray and white sky. Looking around, I could see others with cell phones and cameras held above their heads.

Next to me, Carrie, showed me a photo she had just taken and said, “Wow! Look at that!”

Sure enough, on her phone screen was an incredibly blue green swirl apparently right above our heads.

I held up my own phone and through the rectangular screen, I witnessed the same luminous, magnificent explosion of color. Over the next ten minutes, we took dozens of photos holding phones over our heads to enhance the light and capture what could not been seen without the magic of a proper lens. As people shivered in their bathrobes, they eventually returned to their rooms. Nancy and I stayed outside with our guides, turning every which way to capture all the dancing light above our heads.

“It’s remarkable really,” Jon told us. “I checked the weather and all over Iceland there is cloud cover tonight, except for this one patch above us.” He shook his head in wonder as he told us. “We are very lucky.”

I felt impossibly lucky that all the stars had aligned to see this heavenly sight. Over the next hour and half, Nancy and I kept

going on our porch to see more magic in the sky. Somewhere across the river, a party was happening and the lyrics of Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful” floated to us like the perfect soundtrack to the night.

Through our phones and above our heads, the lights were ever-changing from lime green bands to ribbons of emerald and turquoise. It was astounding to look at the night with my eyes to see only black and white, yet with a lens, the same sky was a riot of color.

Unless someone, like our guide, Jon, had let us in on the secret to view through a camera, we would have missed it all. We needed both the wakeup call and the secret to witness all the wonder.

Faith Requires You to Look Up and Wake UpI think faith is a lot like that. You can go through life seeing everything as it is only in grayscale, just going through the motions and keeping your head down. It takes something or someone, to open your eyes to a new way of looking at all that is around us just waiting to be seen. Just like seeing the Northern Lights, it takes the right set of circumstances to truly find faith. Not only does everything have to align, you also have to be awake and ready. You have to be willing to see. You have to choose to press the Aurora Wakeup button. Otherwise, you sleep through your whole life and miss it.

The same night we saw the Northern Lights in Iceland, I read the amazing geomagnetic storms were also visible in Oregon, Iowa and Pennsylvania. It turns out, I didn’t have to travel three thousand miles from home to see them. The same wondrous event was seen much closer to home.

But I know now that even if I had happened to be standing under clear skies in Oregon, I would have missed the Northern Lights on that same night. While I might have gotten out of bed to look up, I would have gone back to sleep disappointed thinking all I saw were white streaks on a gray sky. I would not have known to hold up my camera and see the sky through a different lens. It took traveling to Iceland to know how to do that and now, I will never witness the night sky or faith the same way ever again.

I have received both the wakeup call and the secret to seeing so that now, I can always be awake, looking for the luminous all around us.

—
How does faith fit into our grit and grace life? Listen to this episode to find out: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105

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As I walked into my bathroom, I saw a new scale on the floor. After months of staring at a broken scale, I was now confronted with a new one—daring me to step on and see where I was after I stopped using it six months ago. I dropped my slippers, robe, watch … anything that weighed anything. I stepped on and looked at the number on the scale. The number said I wasn’t good enough.

I Was Obsessed With The ScaleRewind a little more than a year and you would have seen me stepping on my scale twice a day, monitoring my weight, body fat, muscle mass, water content … you name it. I did not nor have I ever had an eating disorder. Instead, I suffered from heartbreak.

The last few years of my first marriage, I was constantly told to go to the gym six days a week, work out a certain way, count macros, and get into body building competitions. I had zero desire to do any of those things. As someone who has always been on the smaller side, I wasn’t sure what the driving force was behind these comments. They led to knock-down-drag-out fights at home and in the therapist’s office.

Then I finally found out the reason. My husband had a girlfriend. And not just any girlfriend, a body builder.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I remember once being told that men cheated with “plain” women. Not someone younger or more exciting, but plain women who give them the companionship they lack. This girl was the opposite of that theory. She was tall, blonde, and there was not a drop of body fat on her. How does anyone compare to that? Once I found out, I tried to go to the gym to make him happy; I tried to be that definition of beautiful.

I Wanted To Be Strong, For MeAfter he died, I dropped a very fast 20 pounds. People commented and told me that I needed to eat more. Trust me, I tried. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and knowing I was too thin. I wondered if this was what he had envisioned, and I hated what I saw. That was when I knew I wanted to go to the gym. I wanted to work out, I wanted to be strong … for me.

I hired a personal trainer, and I watched my body become take-care-of-myself strong. After two months, my scale stopped working. I figured I had to change the batteries but found myself feeling very freed from the desire to step on that scale.

For months, the scale sat inoperable in my bathroom. For the first time in years, I would look at myself in a bathing suit and like what I saw. For the first time ever, I found that I wasn’t critiquing myself when I put on a bathing suit or went to take a shower. I wondered what I weighed, because clearly must have figured out the magic combination to reach that perfect number. Even though I wanted to know … I didn’t change those batteries.

The Scale Told Me That I’m Not Good EnoughWhen my new husband began to move things into my house, I commented on my scale needing batteries. He told me that he already took it upon himself to change them for me, but it still did not work. Finally, to the trash it went. The next week, I noticed a new scale in the corner as I was getting ready for bed. His scale. Before I knew it, I was stepping onto it to see where I was—having no idea of what I really weighed anymore.

I should back up a minute. During this time, I was teaching health and wellness to high school girls. We talked about that stupid scale, and I told them how much a number does not matter. We talked about nutrition, healthy weight, activity, and keeping our bodies healthy. We talked about where our beauty really lies, within our Creator. We talked about toxic relationships and their effect on our health. We talked about becoming physically strong in order to protect ourselves.

I knew all of this in my head, but I’m pretty sure my heart didn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. It is amazing how someone’s opinion of our appearance is all it takes to make us doubt that we are beautiful.

So… had I figured out the magic combination to give me the body I decided I needed? It depends on who you ask. As that new scale sat on the bathroom floor, I couldn’t ignore it. I stepped on and felt defeated as soon as the number popped up. It was not a number I was expecting. Since it was the end of the day, I figured I should try again in the morning. I told myself it was that fluctuation and all.

The next morning, there I was again, looking at a slightly lower number but still higher than it “should have been.” For two days I stepped on and off that scale, disappointed every time. I looked at myself in the mirror, confused.

How had I gone from really happy with my body to ashamed in such a short time? Somehow, even knowing what I know, I let someone get back into my head about the perfect number, the perfect body fat percentages, the right amount of working out, and the need for obvious not-just-when-flexed muscles.

Why Should We Strive For Health And Fitness?As we approach another bathing suit season, so many women decide to begin eating healthy and losing weight. While these are noble goals, I think they are missing the mark. What is eating healthy? Does it mean no sugar? Or does it mean limiting our intake and still indulging in a small reward for making it through another day of motherhood?

Does losing weight mean dropping some pounds? Or, does it mean replacing those pounds with lean muscle that enables you to play with your kids without feeling exhausted after two minutes?

We absolutely should strive to be our best healthy self. God gives us one body and expects us to nurture it, not abuse it. However, the goal should be to support your body by giving it proper nutrition to fight off disease—not to get skinny. We should exercise, but not because we are trying to get lean like a model during fashion week. We should work out to build muscle so we can do things for ourselves and not need to always seek out help.

So, here I stand, deciding what to do with this new scale in my life. Do I let it stay and remind me of all the times I didn’t measure up? Or, do I let it serve as a reminder that I am not a number?

—
Looking to get healthy without the pressure of the numbers? Listen to this podcast episode for tips: What Do I Need to Know to Begin My Weight Loss Journey? with Sharyn Saftler – 175

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These are the words I have found myself speaking over and over in my head: the bills. The chores. The driving. The working. The hustle and bustle of each day. They can often seem never-ending.

Sometimes, like the other day while loading the dishwasher, I even let the actual words slip out of my mouth. “It never ends.” As I uttered those three small words so effortlessly, they echoed in my ears. It was almost as if the words were on repeat. Because, the truth is, the words are an accurate reflection of how I’ve been feeling on a regular basis lately. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m overwhelmed. I feel each and every syllable of this phrase, as I try to jam a cup into the top rack in between seven others. As my adult son walks by, I say the words out loud and he hears them; and this time, as they come out of my mouth, I am stopped in my tracks. This time, I feel the weight of these words deep within my aching heart.

On that day I was a mom who felt it never ends.As I watch my tall, handsome, sweet, funny, 19-year-old son walk through the room, I am reminded of my other amazing boy who never got to be 19.

Suddenly, I was shaken by my own heartbreaking reality that, sometimes, it does end.

It ended for my sweet son. Life as we know it here—well, it did end. Without warning and without my permission. I’ll actually never get to wash another one of his dishes or pick his dirty clothes up off of the bathroom floor. I’ll never get to remind him to put on his deodorant or not to forget to wear his glasses. I’ll never get to blow up his cell phone or have a heartfelt conversation with him. I’ll never get to deal with his mood swings, his backtalk, or his constant need to have the last word. I’ll never get to do anything that comes with loving and serving your child. Not on this side of heaven, anyway. And that hurts.

“It never ends.” I am stopped in my tracks. This time, I feel the weight of these words deep within my aching heart. Sometimes, it does end.

But I get to do all these things for my other three children. I needed this reminder … that it is a privilege to get to “do the things”: the things that can feel so unappealing and mundane at the moment, the things that make us want to scream and pull our hair out, the things that are so redundant and repetitious that even broken records have nothing on the motions of parenting that we perform every day, over and over and over again.

I don’t have to—I get to.

I would give anything to have my oldest son here—loving me, annoying me, hugging me, last-wording me, and driving me absolutely crazy—to have more loads of laundry to wash and one more mouth to feed. Because, so often, this is what parenthood looks like—a heaping pile of dirty, smelly laundry and a sink overflowing with dishes. It is the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the quiet and the crazy, all coexisting to make up the most precious moments that go by way too fast.

“Don’t blink. It goes by so fast.” This is what so many people used to say to me when I was 23 and had four children ages six and under. I didn’t believe it when I was up with a 10-month-old who had his days and nights mixed up. I didn’t believe it when I was racing to get them all ready for Sunday church and fighting the three-year-old who “didn’t want to wear button shirts to church.” I didn’t believe it when I was desperate to get my three-year-old potty-trained because having three in diapers was both expensive and exhausting. I didn’t believe it because some of the days felt so long. They still do, sometimes. But now I know that those people were right. Time does fly, whether you’re having fun or not.

But, we get to.

We get to partake in the highest calling, which is motherhood. For every hard day, there are a hundred amazing days.

I needed this reminder. Yes, me. The woman who has experienced the deepest of losses, a firstborn son entering the prime of his life. The one who still yearns for him to be present. The same one who swore she would never take another moment for granted ever again. That woman still needed to be reminded. Because, despite suffering the most torturous grief, she still experiences moments of deep frustration and sometimes forgets to remember how beautiful life is. She is still a mom who yells at her children and misses it from time to time, and she needed this reminder, and maybe you did, too. Maybe you need to know that you are not alone. You are equipped. You are called. You are made to be their mother, and even when you screw up—when you miss the boat, you still get to do this beautiful thing called life.

“Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.”

We get to. We get to partake in the highest calling, which is motherhood. For every hard day, there are a hundred amazing days.

—Mom, check out these other articles to be encouraged:A Little Encouragement When Motherhood is Disappointing
When Life Is Wearing You Out
Why Now Is the Time You Should Rethink Your “Purpose”Dear SAHM: I See You and Want You to Know These 8 Things
To the Mom Who Feels Guilty for Sitting on the JobTired? Overwhelmed? 4 Guilt-Free Reasons to Say “No”

Don’t miss these popular articles:4 Reasons Why Being Selfish Is Best for EveryoneBattered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You StruggleHow Do I Know What Defines Me?#gritandgracelifeYou’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life where Shannon shares more of her story: What I Learned From Making the Hardest Choice with Shannon Barbosa – 110

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Bad days and hard seasons are to be expected, and yet we can never fully prepare for the way they might shake us to the core and disrupt our lives. So how are we supposed to respond when life seems to dish out one hit after another?

In this podcast episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender unpack five practical ways to work through the sting of a rough season, especially when it tests your faith.

If you’re in the middle of one of those chapters—you know, the kind you’d rather forget about entirely—this conversation is for you.

Quote of the episode:

“I have told you these things so that in me, you may have perfect peace. In the world, you will have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous; be confident; be undaunted. Be filled with joy. I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

ResourcesRelated

• When Life Hits Hard, It Just Takes a Little Faith
• God’s Strength Is Found in the Hard Places

Check out the Smart Living book series here, and be sure to follow us on social media!Facebook
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The Wednesday before Helene hit Florida’s Big Bend, I drove to Florida’s east coast to meet up with old college friends. Call us crazy, but we didn’t want to miss our annual beach trip–or lose the vacay dollars we’d already spent.

Besides, we figured being tucked away in the most northeastern part of the state would prove to be the safest place from which to watch the weather. Turns out, we were right.

Hurricane Helene ApproachingExcept for the shaking of storm shutters and rain throughout the night, we knew nothing of the terror that would hit those in Helene’s path during the wee hours Friday. Unlike them, we woke to blue skies and sunshine and made a day of it at Fernandina Beach on Amelia Island.

Early that same morning in Old Fort, North Carolina, my daughter Sadie videoed rain streaming off the porch roof and rushing down their street. She hoped none of the falling tress that echoed around them would land on them or their neighbors. She went inside to nurse her newborn, knowing nothing of Mill Creek rising downtown at record speed, just two blocks from their house.

Back on Amelia, we were as oblivious of mudslides and flooding as Sadie that morning. My friends and I traded news of our kids and grands, walked the beach and found seashells, and did water aerobics in the condo pool.

Later, Sadie’s hubby, Bryan, ventured out. Fed by the Catawba River, Mill Creek was spilling into the town’s train museum by 9 a.m. By noon, it was rushing down Main Street, where debris and trees were piling up on the only road in from the interstate. By 2 p.m., houses were sliding downtown that didn’t belong there.

Reports from North Carolina were trickling into Fernandina, mainly from folks who posted photos on Facebook. It all felt so “out there”, except that Sadie and Bryan were “out there” in it, and Mary Anna, who was with us, had left hubby Andrew “out there” and back home in Swannanoa, North Carolina.

The AftermathWhat was happening to our beloved family members? With cell phone service out and texting spotty, we had no idea until early next morning when our calls got through—and the news was alarming.

In Swannanoa, the trailer park at the bottom of Mary Anna’s hill slid into oblivion as the Swannanoa River swelled and diverted itself. The pay-to-fish place next door slid right along with it.

Sadie’s voice shot both relief and panic through me, “We’re OK, Mom, but it’s sad and scary. Our house is fine, but downtown is wrecked. The National Guard is here. We have food, but no power, no internet, and the water in the line won’t last…”

We learned by news report that night what the rest of the world was finding out: The North Carolina mountains had been hardest hit. Who would have thought that those in North Carolina needed to be prepared for a hurricane aimed to hit Florida?

When I got up Sunday morning, I couldn’t shake the foreboding I felt as I watched the sun rise over the ocean. Just two blocks from their house… would the river keep rising? Already, a mudslide had blocked I-40 west from Old Fort to Black Mountain. Already, police had shot two looters at Ingles.

When God Calls You to Action, You Answer“God, send someone in with supplies for Sadie and Bryan. They need diapers, formula, clean water,” I pleaded as my heart pounded. “Better yet, send someone who will get them out and bring them home to Georgia.”

I turned to that day’s reading in the Bible: “If you fall to pieces in a crisis, there wasn’t much to you in the first place. Rescue the perishing; don’t hesitate to step in and help. If you say, ‘Hey, that’s none of my business,’ will that get you off the hook?” Proverbs 24:10-12, MSG.

An unseen hand tapped me on the shoulder. “Are you kidding, God? Are you sending me?”

I opened my GPS and looked at the map. I was already on the East Coast. It would only take a few hours driving to get to North Carolina. And while my GPS showed that I-40 from the west side of the state was closed to Old Fort, the route from the east side was clear all the way from Fernandina to Sadie’s front door.

That settled it—I had to try.

I let Bryan know I was coming with supplies and that if Sadie wanted to leave, I wanted to take her. He texted back to say she and the boys would be ready. With his EMT and fireman training, he’d stay behind to help out.

My friends were flabbergasted when I told them—and so was I, to be honest. We sat down together and made a list of things to take with me and prayed. Then I headed out, stopping for water, a rope, diapers and wipes, formula, and a car-powered coffee pot, among other things.

Thanks to Jan, one of the beach buds, I could get a generator at Harbor Freight on the way. She’d scoured the southeast to find one as I drove, but it was still on the truck when I got there and a line was forming. Did Bryan still want it?

“I’d rather you skip it,” he said when I finally reached him, “I want you in and outta here before dark–if you can get here at all.”

It was then when I learned that the only way into town wasn’t open yet–mud and trees were still covering the bridge over Mill Creek–but they were working on it, and Bryan was hopeful it would be open when I got there.

Leaning on FaithAnd that was when the iffiness of my quest landed. My GPS hadn’t noted a blocked bridge in Old Fort–what else was it not reporting that I might run into? I’d been so sure I would make it when I started out that morning, I hadn’t thought what I’d do if I couldn’t.

“God, I may be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and look back on this as something to be embarrassed about, but what the heck–I think you’re sending me. You make the way. I’m gonna trust you.”

From the beginning, I depended on my friends’ prayers and my GPS to guide me. So when the traffic on the interstate became a parking lot, I followed it around a roadblock on a detour through the mountains. I followed it when it lead me past another roadblock marked “locals only.” And when a yellow men working icon suddenly appeared on my phone, I googled to learn that hazardous driving was coming.

I checked in with my real GPS. “God, I need to be at Sadie’s before sunset. Is this the best way or should I turn around?”

I gut checked. I’d felt giddy when I first started, and I still felt giddy despite unknown hazards. I took it as a sign and kept driving. What other choice did I have, really, except to head back to Georgia?

Once off the highway, I drove slowly. Massive trees partly blocked the road, as if the clean up crew was in too big a hurry to be tidy. The mud-line in tree leaves was 10 feet above the cars that landed cockeyed beneath them. A field of cotton lay sideways, shriveling and sighing.

I swerved around yet another roadblock. “I hope that one’s not important, God,” I said just before the road crew with chain saws and excavators came into view. Sure enough, it was right where my map had those yellow hazard icons. I was finally stopped in my tracks. Now what? I wondered.

That’s when my sister-in-law texted with a question. I texted back to ask her to pray I’d get past this road crew. Not five minutes later, I was moving again, tossing “Thanks, y’all!” out the window, and “Thanks, God” up to heaven. Another prayer answered.

It was late afternoon by then and still an hour before my ETA, assuming I could get into town once I got there. Bryan said that when I got back on the interstate, for the last several miles there’d be flashing warning signs to “Exit now.” But I should ignore them and go all the way to Old Fort, where I’d absolutely have to exit because of the mudslide.

Sure enough, once again on I-40, my phone began making the siren sound it makes when an abducted child’s reported. The alarm escorted me all the way through the National Guard checkpoint at the Old Fort exit and into town where I couldn’t believe what I saw.

Just a week before, I’d been here helping care for newborn John Thomas and Sadie, postpartum. I’d taken the older boys on a walk to the train depot and library. We’d bought gummies at Piggly Wiggly. But seven days later, the apocalypse had roared in by river water.

Porches of two antebellum homes were turned sideways, like enormous sets of false teeth forgotten at naptime and gone wonky. Huge trees lay alongside the road with their roots exposed, as if a giant weasel had pulled them up, hunting for rodents. The excavators were silent, no doubt worn slap out.

Packed mud covered Catawba Avenue where traffic cones marked buried road lines. A guardsman in camo motioned for me to stop. “What’s your business?” he asked brusquely.

“I’m here to get my daughter and her children out,” I said with my heart in my throat. I’d come so far—would I be told to turn around with my kids just half a mile now? I didn’t know. “God, please let me get to them. And let me get them all the way home.”

He motioned me on; I let out the breath I’d been holding.

And just like that, I was at the corner where I usually turn, and onto their street, and at their house. They were all standing in the yard, smiling and waving welcome. “Ma’am!” my grandson Ransom shouted. “Hi, Ma’am!” my other grandson Abraham said to my knees as he hugged them. I’ve never been more relieved to see them. Tears welled and spilled.

Sadie planned to follow me in her van so she could eventually drive back. Since her tank read 63 miles to empty, Bryan siphoned gas from his truck for her before we left. Who knew when we’d find any again?

Promises Fulfilled by FaithThat’s when I noticed the sun setting. God had answered my prayer to get there before the sun set, and here I had another request so urgent, I hadn’t thought to thank him. “God, you see we need gas. Help me keep trusting.”

To avoid the devastation of I-40 W, we’d go home the long way ’round–east on I-40 and then south through Atlanta to just outside Chattanooga. With 63 miles to empty, we could make it as far as Spartanburg, but I already knew the stations there were mostly closed down. So we set our sights on the outskirts of Greenville and prayed for mercy.

It’s slow going traveling with a breastfeeding infant. In the dark of that Sunday night, there was one thing I saw clearly when we stopped yet again to feed John Thomas: While we all needed a bathroom and water and supper and beds, what we needed most was fuel. Sadie’s car now had 6.5 miles to empty.

To complicate things, I only had $58 in cash. All the stations we’d passed early on were out of gas, and half of those were without power. Would we find a station with gas that could also take a card? I had no idea.

My hubby was calling with more questions than I could answer about where we were and what was happening. When I thought I might lose it—which was when a well-lit station dashed my hopes by being out of gas as well as closed, which was also when Ransom lost it because he wanted a toilet, not a tree, to pee on—I didn’t pick up. I just couldn’t.

“God, please!” I begged. In that moment, I realized God might want to help me through my husband, so I called back. And wouldn’t you know? His friend’s app showed gas at the station near the Greenville airport, exactly 6.5 miles from where we sat. We didn’t know if it took cards, but $58 would surely fill up Sadie’s tank.

Turns out, it had plenty of gas and power and no lines to wait in and clean bathrooms and all the water I wanted to pay for. It was 10 p.m. by then, and with every restaurant closed on a Sunday night, we feasted on beef jerky and almonds and gas station chocolate.

I don’t have to tell you about all the rest of the tears and melt downs among our weary party, and I’m not talking about the kids.

OK, I actually am, but I’d certainly pitched my share, too, at least on the inside where God knew. “Teach me to trust you,” I’d prayed a lot, right along with, “Are you paying attention, God?”

With filled tanks and tummies and empty bladders, we turned our sights to finding a hotel. These littles needed beds ASAP, and so did us bigs. By 1 a.m., we finally and gratefully tucked in our tuckered boys at the airport Wyndham.

Trust that God Will Meet Your NeedsOur drive home the next day was uneventful—life goes on in a non-hurricane-recovering world—but it felt bizarre considering our last 24 hours in Crisis Town. There was plenty of gas, food, and power at every exit. It was astonishing how quickly we’d slumped into survival mode—and how eagerly we jumped out.

But for all the restored conveniences, traveling with a nursing newborn is still the slowest boat to Georgia. Add to that, two wiggly boys who didn’t want another road trip, and you’ve got the recipe for stretching a four-hour trip into eight. But our kids were safe and fed, and home was on the horizon.

Driving there, I pondered John Thomas’ super powers. It was he who pulled me from my sandy-shored comfort zone and into the unknown. The thought of him at just 3 weeks old had put me in my car only yesterday and taken me north. But he never worried. He slept and ate, trusting that his needs would be met. And they were—his mama and I made sure of it.

Jesus said his kingdom belongs to little children, and maybe it’s because they’re not trying so hard. They trust that everything will work out, even if they mess up, because Someone Who Loves Them is always watching out.

(Photo by BlackBox on Unsplash)

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This writer relied on faith to get her family out of Hurricane Helene’s destruction, but her determination, strength and grit shouldn’t go unnoticed. Listen to this podcast episode to learn what your innate strengths are and how to use them well:
What Are the 6 Characteristics of a Strong Woman? with Leadership Expert Jenni Catron – 183

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Are you feeling a little aimless at the moment? Perhaps you’re in a season of life that has you questioning your purpose. If that sounds frighteningly familiar, don’t fret—even the seasons that feel purposeless have a purpose!

In this episode of Smart Living with Grit and Grace, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss how to find confidence when you’re transitioning into a new stage of life. Starting retirement, getting married, entering motherhood, searching for your next job can all leave you with a fuzzy vision of your purpose and the value you offer. To get you back on track, the duo shares the importance of detaching yourself from your role and learning how to embrace change as an opportunity for a blank slate. You’ll also discover how to find meaning in the slow, quiet seasons in between.

Quote of the episode:

“For I am about to do something new. See? I’ve already begun. Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness; I will create rivers in a dry wasteland.” —Isaiah 43:19

ResourcesRelated

• “Where Can I Find the Purpose of Life”
• “Finding Purpose When Another Door Closes”
• “When Life Changes, Does Your Purpose Change Too?”
• “How Do I Know What Defines Me?”
• “Do You Know Your Purpose? It May Surprise You! – 193”

Mentioned

• Check out the Smart Living book series here!

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We all face anxiety, some more than others. It’s part of being human. So, what do you do when fear strikes? When a thought of the unknown future taunts even the most confident fiber of your being? The ladies at The Grit and Grace Project share some of their own worries and anxieties and the Bible verses that bring them peace. Take heart, friends, and may you be comforted to know that He’s always there.

Here are some verses for comfort:Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:34

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.2 Corinthians 10:3-6

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

Anxiety Over ObstaclesAlthough I am not a person who daily struggles with anxiety, this does not preclude me from seasons of doubt, fear, or discouragement. My personality is one that barrels ahead when I believe a task is set before me by the God I serve. I often do so without consideration of the potential roadblocks I will face along the way. It is when I hit that unexpected barrier that doubt may set in; anxiety follows, evolving into fear which can end in discouragement. It is in those times that I am reminded of a text that was given to me years ago, Hebrews 10:38-39: “But My righteous one shall live by faith; and if he draws back, My soul has no delight in him” (AMP). But our way is not that of those who shrink back to destruction; we are of those who believe, relying on God through faith, and by this confident faith, we preserve the soul.

You see, I don’t want to shrink back. I don’t want to surrender to fear and in doing so possibly disappoint my God. I trust Him to preserve my soul. At those moments, much like Dory (yes, that’s who I’m quoting) finding her way, I say to myself, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” By remembering who God is and what He has already done, I will once again be delivered from my fear (Psalm 34:3-4).

Darlene Brock–Co-founder and President

Read more from Darlene here.

Anxiety Over FearLike Darlene, I’m not prone to anxiety. But I also do get worried and have concerns about the future, especially when it comes to my momma’s heart for my children. There is so much to fear, and there are so many things to be worried about while trying to protect our children’s hearts, and it is sometimes hard to know when to push, when to step back, when to help them out, and when to let them fail. It’s my major source of worry, constantly. And while I find myself relying heavily on God’s promises for my future and quickly thumbing to the worn page in Jeremiah where my life verse resides—“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future” (29:11)—there is one that I turn to again and again when my heart

Follow us on Instagram!feels heavy with worry and my soul is troubled: “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it'” (Isaiah 30:21).

This might sound like a strange verse to go to when I’m worried, but it reminds me to stop, be still, and listen. In the scariest times of my life, when I’ve needed it the most, I’ve felt God’s presence more than ever, and each and every time He’s guided me. There has been a near-literal voice telling me right in my ear, “Stay,” or “This is the way to go.” Knowing that God is walking right beside us, no matter how dark the valley, reminds me to be still. To listen. And to trust Him with the scariest things, the most worrisome, the darkest. Because He’s got this, and He will guide me if I let Him.

Meaghan Dawson

Read more from Meaghan here.

By remembering who God is and what He has already done, I will once again be delivered from my fear.

Anxiety Over Lack of ControlI was really scared the other day. Fear of the future was paralyzing me, and I knew I needed to get out of my head and back into reality, but I didn’t know how. I told my husband how I was feeling, and he listened but didn’t have a solution. He did, however, suggest I lie down and take a nap. Sometimes I’m just an overtired mom of two little ones under the age of two, and a nap is all I need. Side note: I’ve learned to run through a checklist when I feel anxiety creeping in. When was the last time I consumed something other than coffee? When was the last time I stepped outside of the house? When was the last time I exercised? When was the last time I had an hour of peace and quiet? You get the drift…

This day, all of those things needed attending, but it was a little more complicated than that. So, I did lie down, but I was praying too. As I started to explain my feelings to God, a Bible verse popped into my head completely unprovoked. It stopped me in my tracks because it felt so out of left-field. “The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein” (Psalm 24:1)

I didn’t even realize I knew this verse by heart. I recognized it, but never have I ever tried to memorize it or recall it intentionally to comfort my soul. But there it was, showing up like a thought that simply wasn’t my own (a beautiful way that my mother explained to me as a little girl what it’s like when God speaks to you). And all of a sudden, I realized the truth. The whole earth is the Lord’s, and everything and everyone within it. I am in His house, and He is in control. And therefore I am never outside of His overseeing care. I am safe. And I felt safe. After a few minutes of feeling in complete awe of God, I fell fast asleep.

Ashley Johnson–Managing Editor

Read more from Ashley here.

Anxiety Over PressureAnxiety doesn’t quite settle in softly for me—it barrels in like a fully-loaded freight train on a tight schedule. I’ll feel overwhelmed with the pressures of life and how well I will perform through each obstacle. Can I ace these graduate classes? Will I be able to efficiently complete these deadline-oriented projects at work? How will I save up enough to pay off my tuition? Can I complete all these things at the same time and still maintain my sanity?

As these questions start to pummel my confidence, I will eventually sense a nudging in my spirit that fires a question right back at me: Have you placed your trust in God for these matters yet? Sheepishly, I realize that I’ve spent more time agonizing over my worries with my boyfriend and ranting off all my problems to my best friend, seeking their advice and counsel. While they offered their heartfelt sympathy and guidance, I neglected to seek God first—the One who I should have gone to the moment my worries began to surface.

I always return to one of the first verses I learned as a pre-teen in my church’s youth group: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7 NLT). I love this verse because of its simplicity. It instructs us to lay our worries down at God’s feet and continue to go forward in our lives without looking back, trusting that He loves us enough to look out for our best interests.

Tess Lopez – Content and Marketing Manager

Read more from Tess here.

Take heart, friends, and may you be comforted to know that He’s always there.

Anxiety Over Being OverwhelmedI’m thankful I don’t struggle with anxiety regularly, but of course, I face fear, worry and being overwhelmed at times. “And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord” (Luke 1:45).

One of the most comforting things to me in regard to my faith is how personal God is with each of us. It’s almost striking that He truly knows us each intimately and chooses to relate to us as such. I have found the deepest faith-building moments for me have been when a verse of Scripture has leaped off the page, as though it was written just for me. And this verse reminds me that He has spoken to me time and time again, and even when He is not currently speaking, He is still going to fulfill anything He has already spoken—and His Word promises such soul-calming truths like:

He will never leave or forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
He doesn’t count our sin against us. (2 Corinthians 5:19)
He will work everything together for our good. (Romans 8:28)
He is not slow. (2 Peter 3:8-9)
His love endures forever. (Psalms 136)

Dear friends, He is fully trustworthy.

Julie Bender – Co-Host of This Grit and Grace Life podcast

Read more from Julie here.

Anxiety Over Lack of Trust in HimPsalm 46:10a says, “Be still, and know that I am God…” I’ve learned that most of the time, when I feel anxiety creeping in, it’s simply because of that—I’m not being still and I’m not trusting. Admittedly, I like to know what’s going on and to have some say in the situation. So, I struggle with fully giving that to God. I find myself grasping for control and become even more discouraged than I was before. When I allow separation in my closeness with God, the lies, insecurity, and comparison creep in. Thus, the anxiety does too. Will I ever measure up? Will I get X-Y-Z done? Nope, but God will. If you’re anything like me, take heart. God’s got this, so you don’t have to. Be still, spend time with Him, and know.

Bethany Gilliland

Read more from Bethany here.

Don’t miss this encouraging video from one of our writers, Cherie.

—Don’t miss this one!Want to be a strong woman? Build your confidence in God by reading some of these testimonies:Her Story Will Make You Cry, But Help You Find HopeWhat My Beautiful, Imperfect Baby Boy Taught Me About PerfectionBattered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You StruggleWords of Encouragement From a Cancer SurvivorThere Is Hope and Healing for the FatherlessTo the Christian Woman With a Crooked Past

Don’t miss these popular articles:***Married to the Badge: Not Your Typical Life
Here’s to Strong Men, and Here’s How to Raise One
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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Are the Unexpected Gifts of Depression? With Melissa Maimone – 095!

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Recently, I learned something that absolutely shocked me: the average American spends 90,000 hours at work over the course of their lifetime. That’s more than 10 whole years of your one and only life—at work! If you love your job, maybe that doesn’t seem like much of a sacrifice. But if you’re among the 70% of Americans who report being unhappy at work, that’s a whole lot of precious time wasted. But here’s the good news: it doesn’t have to be that way.

Imagine what it would be like to work for yourself. To set your own hours, work from home, earn an extra income for your family, and help people by using your gifts!

Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s more realistic than you think. In 2017, more than 57 million people were freelancing full-time or pursuing a side-gig—and that number is only growing. In fact, it’s estimated that the majority of the U.S. population will be self-employed by 2027.1

There are two things driving that trend: freedom and flexibility.4 That’s all the motivation needed to trade a job you hate for a chance to make money doing what you love.

Don’t worry, I’m not talking about some get-rich-quick scam or pyramid scheme. This is about using your gifts to start your own business—even if you’ve never been interested in business before.

If you have a gift you want to share with the world, there’s a way to make an income in the process. As a Certified Business Coach and creator of Business Boutique, I help women figure out how to do that every single day. And I would love to help you do the same.

Five Questions That Reveal Your GiftsTo help women figure out what kind of business they want to start, I always begin by focusing on their gifts. And don’t you dare start thinking that you don’t have any. I meet too many women who “humbly” tell me that they’re not good at anything. That’s impossible!

God gives unique gifts and strengths to every person. And He did not forget yours when He created you.

I like to walk women through what I call the five “E” questions to help them uncover what their unique gifts might be:

1. What do you enjoy?What do you do just because it’s fun? Typically, the activities you enjoy are directly related to your strengths.

2. What comes effortlessly for you?What are some activities that make you feel like you’re just being you? These are activities that take minimal effort because they come naturally to you.

3. What do others encourage in you?Sometimes, identifying your strengths comes through other people’s compliments. What skills and qualities do your loved ones always point out in you?

4. Where do you excel?Look for the areas where you perform above average in relation to others. What experience, education or skills have you acquired over time?

5. What gives you energy?Working in your strengths will give you energy rather than drain you. It’s not to say it doesn’t take work or make you tired, but at the end of the day, it brings you a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Work through those questions and compile a list. But before you start crossing things off, let me tell you something I still regularly tell myself: what’s obvious, easy or simple to you is not obvious, easy or simple to everyone else.

We often undervalue what comes effortlessly to us. We don’t think it’s special because it’s easy. But the truth is, the gifts God created you with, the knowledge He gave you and the message He put on your heart is unique to you and for you.

It doesn’t matter if what you want to do has been done before or if your idea seems simple or straightforward. There is someone out there who needs what you have to offer. So, don’t diminish your strengths. Own them. Appreciate them. Be proud of them. And use them.

Three Steps to Build Your Business Around Your GiftsOnce you know what your gifts are, you’re ready to consider how to put them to work. Not every business idea you come up with will be a viable one. That’s why I encourage women to take each one through the sensibility test by asking these three questions:

Is there a market for it?A hobby costs you money, but a business makes you money. So, if your business doesn’t have a market, well, then you don’t have a business.

Your business idea has a market if there is a group of people who:

• Need what you have to offer.
• Have the problem you solve with your business.
• Can pay the price you need to charge to make a profit.

Does it fit my season of life?When you think about your current season and life stage, is your business idea realistic? It’s important to ask yourself if you’re willing and able to commit the amount of time the idea requires.

You also have to think about your resources. Your business has a better chance of being successful and sustainable if you keep costs down. If you don’t already have the resources you need, or if it’s not a good time to get them (like if you’re trying to pay off debt), then now is not the best time to get started.

Am I passionate about this?Don’t minimize this last question. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to be passionate about your business. Is your idea exciting? Does it get you fired up? If your answer is no to either of those questions, you probably shouldn’t pursue this idea.

You Have What It TakesIf you take baby steps, stay out of debt, and build your business gradually, you’ve got little to lose—and, potentially, so much to gain.

Make a plan, write out your goals, and above all, don’t wait until you’re ready. Fear is a natural part of the process. Do it anyway. Do it scared.

And if you need more help getting started, check out christywright.com, where I have tons of free resources. You have so many gifts to offer the world, so get out there and build a life and business you love!

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, Grit and Grace Life will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

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For more on being a successful businesswoman, start with this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Can Women Do It All? With Christy Wright of Business Boutique – 091!

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It’s a great time to begin mending fences. Not the ones in the back 40 of the ranch where very few of us currently live; I’m talking about the fences that require repair between us. We all experience damaged or broken relationships. Admittedly, some relationships are beyond repair, but most of the time, that’s not the case.

So ask yourself, do you really want to be 90 years old, comfortable in your lift chair, and remember a relationship you once had? Pondering the friend you lost because of anger over something you can no longer recall? The sibling rivalry you never outgrew? Or the parent you walked away from? Probably not. So, how do you manage this repair process before the knees give out and the memory fades?

Here are the 5 Steps to begin mending fences.1. Remember the Good.Quit focusing on what went wrong. Instead, focus on the good things, the good times, and the relationship that was. You had a relationship before. One that had great moments, heartwarming memories, shared laughter and probably shared heartbreak. Those can be created again so let those memories lead the way.

1. Reach Out.Don’t let pride tell you they must make the first move. It may never happen, and it’s too important not to be the one who steps up. It will take courage, humility, and even embedded in a good dose of fear to re-engage. But put all of those emotions aside and be the one to take that step.

Now’s the time to start mending the fences that are in need of repair between us. The damaged or broken relationships we all experience.

1. Apologize.Yep, you may not have been the initiator or the difficult one, but you can’t say you did everything right. No one does. So tell them you’re sorry! There is always something you can be sorry about, so be willing to acknowledge it.

2. Talk.About the problem if need be, about the good times, about the future. Starting these conversations usually brings trepidation. What if? Leads your thoughts. They may not want to engage, relive, or review the past. They may reject you, with no interest in building toward the future. Or they may not. Beginning a new conversation is the only way you will find out and imperative to rebuilding your relationship.

3. Follow Up.Relationship rebuilding will take time, attention, and commitment. A relationship that needs mending, much like mending fences, takes time, materials, and effort. It’s not one-and-done. Nor should it be. Know that as you take the steps toward healing, it’s worth the investment, so make it.

Reach out today. Reach out next week. Work up the courage and reach out. Each relationship repaired will be an added treasure refined, polished, and perfected in this thing we call life. And in this season of life, that kind of treasure is one of the most valuable things in our lives.

—For more on healthy relationships, check out:Grit Without a Hard Heart
5 Tips to Build Healthy Relationships
A Worthy Investment—Unhurried Time with FriendsHow to Use The 5 Love Languages for Strong Friendships

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You’ll enjoy this episode of This Grit and Grace Life podcast: Great Friends: 9 Qualities to Be One and Find One – 031!

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Do you have a tendency to repeat reminders to those closest to you? Perhaps you feel like you’re constantly asking your husband to get off the couch or urging your kids to clean their rooms. While your intentions are good, your delivery may be perceived as nagging.

In this episode of Smart Living with Grit and Grace, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender dive into the prickly topic of nagging. It’s something many of us would like to think we don’t do, but we often innocently fall into the habit. They share the tell-tale signs of nagging, how to uncover the root cause of our repeated requests, and the way we can more clearly and kindly communicate them to those we care about.

Quote of the episode:

“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” —Proverbs 21:19

ResourcesRelated

• • “Marriage Advice That Will Change Things More Than You Think…”
  • “The 3-Day Rule: My Mother-in-Law’s Secret to a Happy Marriage”

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Lately, I’ve noticed my oldest son’s permanent teeth look a bit yellow compared to my other three boys, who still have their baby teeth. Of course, my first assumption was that he wasn’t brushing correctly. Or worse yet, he’s skipping his brushing altogether. But after a few weeks of supervising and not noticing a big difference, I started to do a bit of research.

Apparently, baby teeth are naturally whiter than permanent teeth. One pediatric dentist explains that “permanent teeth not only have a thicker enamel, but the layer under the enamel (dentin) is also more dense. Dentin is yellow in color. This gives the permanent teeth a color slightly more yellow than the baby teeth. And it’s perfectly normal!”(¹)

There is also a myth out there that teeth should be perfectly white, even to the point where new dental shades have had to be added to the whitening scale to keep up with our culture’s white teeth obsession.

How Natural Teeth Whitening WorksIf your child’s yellow teeth are a concern, I have discovered that there are some things you can do! The first and obvious place to start is to make sure your child is brushing and flossing because plaque and tartar can build up and cause teeth to look more yellow than they are. Something you can do to assist with this is to make your own toothpaste. I actually have a great story on how I learned to do this…

My sweet sister-in-law was visiting from Montréal and really wanted to go to the beach. I was nine months pregnant at the time and super not interested in getting into a bathing suit (turns out I was accurate in my thought process because none fit anyway). Although it was last on my list of things to get done before baby number four, I wanted her to have a good time and knew my three boys would love it. What was on my list of things to do, however, was dental appointments for everyone. But since we had just moved, I was running out of time.

Wouldn’t you know, the first person I ran into at the beach was a holistic pediatric dentist! It was like God was giving me a kiss on the forehead! This sweet lady and I talked for quite a while, and she noticed my gums were puffy, which always happened to me in pregnancy. She literally offered to come to my house the next day to check them out.

And she did! She showed up with all of her dental tools and beautiful new toothbrushes and proceeded to give each person in my family the most thorough cleaning ever with a mixture of bentonite clay and essential oils. We felt like new people!

Below is the recipe that I still use.

Natural Toothpaste Recipe:* 1/2 cup pure calcium bentonite clay (you can find at a health food store or online; the pediatrician recommended “Earth’s Natural Clay” brand) * 1/4 cup organic coconut oil melted gently on the stove (available at most grocery stores, but organic is important) * 5-10 drops of peppermint oil (organic food grade essential oil only because in a cheap bottle of oil, the therapeutic compounds have been destroyed by heat, pressure, and/or chemical solvents; so you want to make sure the oil you choose is high quality) * 5-10 drops orange oil (again, same quality as above, but the orange helps with whitening) * 1/8 tsp of organic stevia for taste

Mix together and store in a glass container (I use a small mason jar).

Add Charcoal for Extra Teeth-Whitening Power (and More!)My boys are toothpaste connoisseurs and very picky, but they actually like this! And it contains none of the harmful chemicals that can act as neurotoxins in a lot of mainstream toothpastes.

One last tip: if you or your child have significant yellowing, charcoal can help a lot. I break open a capsule (this you can get at any health food store or drug store) and use it after brushing for even more whitening power. Charcoal is also great to bind to toxins, so it’s wonderful to keep on hand for any stomach bugs that might hit your household.

Last but not least, keep those six-month cleaning and dental check-ups to help with the removal of tartar and plaque and also to stay ahead of any dental issues. I highly recommend holistic dentistry if you can find one at your local beach (haha!). Our angel dentist lived up north, but we were fortunate enough to find another one in our town, and we are just thrilled with him.

Finding the right dentist can make a world of difference in your family’s dental experience. It’s important to choose a dentist who shares your commitment to holistic practices and prioritizes natural, chemical-free options. These professionals often take a comprehensive approach to dental care, focusing on preventive measures and the overall well-being of their patients. Not only will they provide thorough cleanings and check-ups, but they can also offer personalized advice tailored to your family’s unique dental needs.

Cheers to whiter smiles for those family pics! That’s if you can get your kids to all smile at the same time in the same direction. If you have tips for that, could you write an article about it? Like, seriously. Stop what you’re doing and get that magic down on paper. I’ll be waiting.

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Mom Hacks: Help You Need in Every Stage – 026

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We’re likely to bounce between feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, exhaustion or any number of other emotions every day. No matter which ones you experience, they are all normal and they deserve to be listened to. Where we often go wrong, according to licensed psychotherapist Dr. Zoe, is in our reaction to those feelings—either lashing out at someone or making an impulsive decision we later regret. Even when we choose not to react by suppressing our emotions, we are entering into dangerous territory.

Learning how to control your feelings and they way you respond to them is such a critical part of life that Darlene and Julie decided to bring back a previous podcast episode—where Dr. Zoe appears as a guest—on the topic.

In the episode, Dr. Zoe shares several reasons why we fear our emotions, how we can develop emotional intelligence in ourselves and our children, and how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way with our spouse and coworkers. And yes, vent sessions count—with the right parameters!

Dr. Zoe is a passionate practitioner in the field of clinical psychology. She is licensed as a psychotherapist and divides her time between her family life, clinical practice, virtual life, and relationship coaching, speaking, writing and hosting her podcast. You can follow Dr. Zoe by visiting her site, or finding her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter as well as her podcast, Stronger in the Difficult Places.

Submit a question to our free Ask Dr. Zoe column.

Quote of the episode:

“We have a fear of social rejection. That’s really why we fear our feelings.” —Dr. Zoe

ResourcesMentioned

• “Ask Dr. Zoe – Handling My Teen’s Anger”
• Feelings worksheet
• “Do Strong Women Like Masculine Men?”

Related

• “How to Develop Emotional Intelligence”
• “This Is What I Do When My Child Has ‘Big Emotions'”

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Whenever people asked me what was new in my life, it was easier to answer with what was new with my kids than myself. They were constantly changing: outgrowing their clothes, joining a soccer team, balancing equations, learning to read or playing the drums.

We lived in the same home from the time I brought them bundled from the hospital until my son turned 11 and my daughter, 8. Every few months I’d take a Sharpie and make them stand flat on their feet and mark their height next to their initials. For 11 years, these black and red marks inched their way up the doorframe.

Growing PainsMy next-door neighbor and I shared a pediatrician. I was surprised one day when she told me our doctor had suggested she see an endocrinologist. Her younger son already towered over mine. I asked her about it at our next checkup, and she explained that she only refers someone when their growth is stalled, not when it is slow. She pulled up my son’s growth charts to show me the gradual slope. “See?” she said. “He is growing—just at his own rate.”

I can only hope that applies to adults as well. When my daughter reached that age, she’d occasionally wake up screaming in the middle of night. If it wasn’t her ears or a nightmare, I’d rub her legs until she fell back asleep. Again, I asked the pediatrician if this was normal, and she promised me that growing pains were real, but not to worry unless they became disruptive. She explained that it isn’t the bones that hurt but the muscles being stretched. My daughter’s Sharpie marks ticked up the same door frame.

I’m not overly sentimental. I didn’t save every piece of my kids’ art (I saved my favorites; I’m not a monster). I haven’t held on to every outfit or stuffed animal, only a few. However, while packing up to move, I asked my husband if we could keep the door frame. He sighed, walked out to the garage and came back in with a crowbar. We moved on, but I brought the door frame with me.

I couldn’t bear to paint over it or leave it behind. I kept the evidence. Proof that they used to be small. Of who they were. But also what my pediatrician taught me—that growth can be gradual and sometimes it will hurt enough to make you cry out in the night. That it stretches us to become more. I’m trying to figure out these parts of me, who I’ve been and how I’ve grown. I need those same lessons. I’m not sure how to mark it. I want my own proof.

Measuring ProgressMy favorite part of my job as an educator is professional learning, but a good amount of my time is spent measuring growth, ensuring average yearly progress. We test the hell out of kids, and I hate it, but one of the things I appreciate is a shift away from average scores and more towards growth.

Most states have adjusted how they grade districts to factor this in. After each round of benchmarks or standardized tests, I’m required to crunch the data, to show any gains (or losses) from the previous years. I am constantly measuring and color-coding growth.

A few weeks ago, I had my mid-year review. My boss went down the list and checked off everything in the highest column. We talked through the criteria, and as much as I mostly want to hear I’m doing a great job, I stopped before signing it and said she needed to give me something to work on. She hesitated for a second, and I offered up a place where I could use some work. She helped me set some goals. I wanted my own evidence for what I was doing right and where I needed to re-focus or stretch. Still all these years later, I’m seeking Sharpie marks.

I’m generally good at setting goals and taking incremental steps to reach them. I thrive on accountability and am not above making my own sticker chart or celebrating the smallest of wins with pie. My daughter would call me a “try-hard,” and that is somehow not a compliment. I’m driven, but I’m not type A. It often confuses people, but maybe it is that I care way more about growth than I do success. I want to do better and be better but don’t care all that much about being the best. I need to see progress to feel motivated enough to keep going. And that is the rub.

Becoming Who You’re Supposed to Be Doesn’t Happen Without Growing PainsFor several years, I’ve been working with a therapist. I’ve been unpacking my past and my hang-ups. Like most hard things, sometimes I start off feeling worse instead of better, and I finally realized this is because I don’t know how to measure internal growth. Progress here is hard to name. I don’t think this kind of work is linear; I think it comes in layers, and I feel frustrated each time I find myself coming back around to the same spot. There are no green bar graphs or performance reviews. There is no such thing as adequate yearly progress for my heart.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” —E.E. Cummings

Occasionally I’ve set some goals, but they mostly shift and change before I can set the next right step. I know it helps to keep showing up and that sometimes it feels like being ripped open. I feel the shifts even if I can’t name them. I know that I feel safer and steadier and softer. Mostly I just feel more of everything.

I think sometimes I’d like for the kind and patient woman across from me to just tell me where I’ve grown and what I should be working on, but I know that it is best if I do the work. I’m tired of doing the work, except I am the work.

There is an E.E. Cummings quote I love: “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” I feel like this is what I’m trying so hard to do. It takes courage and a million layers and ache. I want there to be a finish line, a finality to who I am. Except that sounds a lot like death. I’d rather grow and ache and rest, then celebrate and do it all over again. Layer after Layer. Inch after inch. Shift after shift.

I wonder if Cummings should have written “to grow up and become who you really are and were.” That maybe this is all an undoing as much as it is a becoming. At least it is for me.

How Much Have You Grown?My kids are now teenagers. I don’t really mark doorframes anymore. We did it a few times in our new home, but mostly that season has passed. I asked, years after we’ve moved in and filled all the closets and garages with too many things, where it ended up. My husband found it in the garage and I brought it inside. It was just a dusty piece of broken wood covered in Sharpie marks, initials and dates. But is also evidence of growth.

I moved it into the corner of my home office. I smile when I lean back and see it. But I want the same evidence and reminder for myself. So I go into the garage (which might as well be half of a Lowe’s store) and find a long thin piece of wood. I get a Sharpie. I start with moving away from home and I inch my way up. I mark progress with single words and events. I read back over some of my emails and essays. Some years are lost, but there are enough. I mark it over and over again. I leave plenty of room at the top for things I haven’t learned yet.

I place my own evidence into the same corner of my office next to my rescued door frame. I think I made the assumption that my kids growing up would only be about them—their progress and experiences—but in many ways, it has also been about my growth. Surely, I have grown as much as they have, maybe more. Their pediatrician reminded me that growth can be gradual and sometimes it will hurt. And all of it counts.

—
Much of the progress we make in life rises out of our growing pains and struggles. Darlene and Julie share 8 ways to grow into a strong woman in this podcast episode: Become a Strong Woman While Making These 8 Pit Stops – 222

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For as long as I can remember, I have had sleep problems. When I was a little girl, I would listen to the ticking of the clock in our family room and was convinced that the “tick-tock” sound was keeping me awake, so I would quietly go downstairs and stop the pendulum. Over time, the clock broke. I would wake up my dad just so that he knew I couldn’t sleep. My mind would spiral through the same thoughts, and deep into the night, they would play on repeat over and over. My dad would reassure me by saying, “Remember, Amy, your body is resting whether you are asleep or not.” It brought me such peace.

During my college years, I lived in a sorority house. We slept in a “cold dorm”—a room full of bunk beds. At times, I convinced myself that I couldn’t sleep. I would be up all night long, spiraling and filled with tears about how tired I was, just like during childhood. I even had a season when I slept at a dear friend’s home, dubbed my “sponsor family” from the church I attended. They graciously let me stay there free of charge to help deal with my sleep problems.

Now, in adulthood, I continue to experience months and seasons of sleepless nights. I’ve tried all sorts of things: reading, medicine, prayer. I often think about the people all over the world who are awake in different time zones living their lives to somehow comfort myself that I am not the only one awake.

God Is Teaching Me SomethingAs I’ve reflected on these sleepless seasons, I realize that God is trying to teach me something. As I’ve grown in my faith and learned to recognize His voice speaking into my life, I see that He often brings clarity and conviction during my sleepless nights.

This happened last week. I had a three-day stretch where I couldn’t sleep. The third night, in particular, I was covered in anxiety. I couldn’t escape my thoughts. They kept spiraling. The next morning, I was eager to write down what I was so anxious about to see if I could sort through any of it and find a theme. Maybe God was talking to me somehow, and my part was taking the time to notice and identify what He was trying to say. I practiced the faith exercise I wrote about earlier this year, identifying what I feel and comparing it to what I know to be true.

I Was Worrying About My KidsThe first feeling I identified was my weariness in parenting. It is truly not for the faint of heart. It is beautiful, fulfilling, and incredibly hard. We have three teenage boys and one 12-year-old girl. These kids are fighting a world of expectation, hustle, and comparison. Having six people in our home creates 30 different one-on-one relationships. On any given day, or at any given moment, there are two people playing or arguing in our house. For as long as I can remember, we have dealt with conflict and practiced trying to resolve it. When they were toddlers, it was over toys; now that they are older, it’s over being misunderstood.

In my recent sleepless nights, God reminded me that my children are really His children and that my job is to pray for them and trust Him. In my reflection, I identified that there are so many areas where I want them to open their eyes. I want them to see how empty our worldly pursuits are and that it’s not about having the newest things or gaining the approval of others. I want them to lift up their eyes and notice what’s around them.

Have you seen the Netflix series Anne of Green Gables? My daughter and I have been watching it and thoroughly enjoy the character development and beautiful plot line. One episode has specifically stuck with me. It was a 10-minute scene where Anne played in the forest, and, like usual, she let her imagination run wild. She noticed all of the nature around her. The birds flitting and chirping, the burbling creek, the crackling leaves, the wispy clouds. She laughed and danced joyfully, creating music through sounds she heard and noticed in creation. I loved the simplicity and beauty of this scene. As I watched, I found myself longing for my family to have space to engage with creation in the same way. Watching this scene gave me a desire to notice more and for my kids to notice more.

The truth is that I can trust that God is working in them. He is a God of promises. In His perfect timing, He will give them eyes to see. I can’t change their hearts, but He can. My responsibility is not to mend every relationship but to facilitate peace and to be on my knees, praying consistently. The older our kids have gotten, the more complicated things seem to become, and the more I turn to prayer as my only solution. I thank God for the work that I know He will do through what can seem like a mess but really is a work of beauty. Because that is what He does. He is in the business of making all things new.

I Was Worrying About MyselfThe next feeling that I identified from my sleepless night was my selfishness, which showed up through my vanity. I was hyper-focusing on things that didn’t matter. I wasn’t aware that I cared so much, but He graciously showed me that I do. I guess it was beginning to flare up in my heart and my affections, and He was bringing it to my attention before it became something bigger.

I was starting to cling to my outward appearance in ways that would bleed over into the way I spend my time and money, which, in the end, may not honor Him. I don’t know about you, but I have hair that is turning gray, messy fingernails, wrinkles that are appearing, and knees that hurt in the morning. 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, “Therefore, we do not lose heart. Outwardly we are wasting away, but inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” I know that God was gently reminding me to focus on my inward renewal. To read His word, to remember His bigger purpose for me, to not get lost in the outward, but to focus on the inward. I was believing lies of the world in what I should look like and putting too much emphasis on wanting to fix it.

The truth is that God is actually protecting me from myself. His desire is for me to serve those He puts around me before myself. In a narcissistic world, it is sometimes hard to remember that I am not the focus. He is. It’s humbling just how many times He has to remind me of this.

I can trust that God is working. He is a God of promises, working in His perfect timing.

God Already Knows It All, But He Wants Me to Trust HimAfter writing down these thoughts, a theme emerged: My God has this. It’s not up to me. It’s up to Him. My response is to trust and obey by doing the next right thing. Isn’t it kind of God to take His time to wake me up and reveal my hiccups to me? He could leave me to myself, obsessively spiraling, but instead, He gently brought me these insights, ultimately reminding me that He is in the driver’s seat. While I didn’t have a concrete 5-step Plan for Parenting and Escaping my Vanity, I did have peace, and I slept well the next night.

The next time you can’t sleep, take some time to inventory what is behind your spiraling thoughts. Maybe, in His kindness, God is trying to free you from yourself, revealing some new insights so that you, too, can find rest and peace in Him.

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Grit and Grace, but What About God? – 105!

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As the year dwindles, I’m holding tightly to the moments in the car on the way to and from school each day. This is the last semester I will be driving him to school, not only will I not get to spend that added time with him, but I’m going to miss the talks we have in the car. When my teen gets in the car, he starts talking—not one-word answers or incomprehensible sounds, but full-on talking until we get home. We’ve worked on our relationship together to be able to communicate better.

As a mom, there are times I want to fix all his problems, but I’ve found that most of the time he just wants a sounding board. He wants someone to listen and not judge, someone to listen and not try to fix things. He’s confided his secrets and also his dreams. Being able to communicate with my son is priceless to me, especially when I hear daily how other parents are struggling with getting their kids to say something other than “I’m hungry.”

“Mom, guess what happened at school today?” This question starts a 15-minute monologue from my teen. As we start to ascend the hill before our driveway he begins to wrap up his story of his day. Some days his day is just mundane, and other days the commentary is more colorful. Sometimes those hard conversations where you don’t know how or what to say can happen on those drives.

How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You: L-I-S-T-E-NListening has helped me to build a better relationship with him. One with open communication and reciprocated benefits. I had to learn how to L-I-S-T-E-N.

L – Look at them. Whether it’s in the rearview mirror or facing them while together on the couch, put the phone down, turn the TV off, and give them your full attention. I’ve been late to many things because I stopped what I was doing to give him my full attention, but he knows that when he talks, I listen. Even when it’s about cars and stuff I don’t understand.

I – Inquire as much as possible. My son is a gearhead and loves to talk about cars to me. I’m not well-versed in the subject but have learned a lot in the few years that it’s been his biggest passion. I share articles with him, and we discuss them. It helps me be more relevant to him and interested in his passions. He asks me about my writing and what I’m studying—it’s a two-way street.

S – Silence from you helps you to listen. Be the sounding board. Don’t always offer advice or try to fix their problems. Let your children know that it’s OK to just come talk about things. Nine times out of 10, just being there for them and actively listening—not offering advice or solutions—helps them to figure out their problems. If it’s something big, they may ask you for advice, and at that point you can tell them what you think. No one wants to talk to someone who is always giving unsolicited advice. It comes across as nagging and annoying.

T – Try to remember being a teen. We all grew up before smartphones and social media. (Thank goodness!) I remind myself often that when I did stupid things, we didn’t have the added pressure of the world watching our every move. When they share things they or their friends are experiencing, think about it from the teen’s perspective before you speak. Think back to something similar that happened when you were a teen.

They are going to do dumb things, they are going to mess up, and your responses determine whether you ever find out about it. Being a teen in the ’90s before social media and a worldwide pandemic that changed the world forever was hard—imagine it now.

E – Encourage and engage your child. Encourage them to talk by engaging with them in their interests as well as by asking open-ended questions. Try avoiding questions that would elicit only yes and no responses. Instead of “How was your day?” ask “What’s one funny thing that happened today?” or “What or who made you smile today?” this usually leads to something off the wall, and that ice breaker opens the floodgates.

N – No-judgment zone. “Mom, I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to be mad.” When those words come out of their mouths, brace yourself. Brace yourself for what may come out next. Remind yourself that your child feels comfortable enough to share their experience.

My husband doesn’t get the same reaction in the car. He says if he picks him up, he gets “Hey, good day” followed by silence. I remind my husband to listen to him when he talks and ask questions other than “how was your day?”.

To get those open lines of communication, be prepared to do more listening than speaking.

To get those open lines of communication, be prepared to do more listening than speaking, less fixing and more praying.

Each time a hard conversation or situation comes up, my son knows he can talk to me. I’ll listen, even though that sometimes means listening to things that are hard or don’t interest me but that are important to him. Be ready to listen more, speak less, and be slow to get angry (James 1:19). Keeping my mouth shut at times is hard, but having my teen talk to me is priceless. Each day when I savor that ride home I remind myself to L-I-S-T-E-N even if it means biting my tongue.

—
Still wondering how to get your teen to talk to you? You’ll get some more great tips in this podcast episode with bestselling author and speaker Jerusha Clark: How Can I Connect and Communicate with My Teenager Better? with Jerusha Clark – 182

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Are your kids heading back to school?

They’ll undoubtedly learn a few math equations or how to read between the lines of a historical novel, but some of the most important back to school lessons your kids will take away from this school year are the ones that will carry them through life.

In this episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss how, as a parent, you play a critical role in facilitating how well your kids receive these life lessons. They share how to instill guidance in your kids around things like:

• how their conduct (positive or negative) impacts others
• negotiation skills
• discernment and critical thinking
• handling difficult personalities—kids and teachers alike—with respect
• avoiding procrastination
• and more!

Some of the best lessons start at home. This episode shares how to tactfully discuss these with your child to ensure they develop the skills needed to excel in the classroom and beyond.

Quote of the episode:

“There is no school equal to a decent home and no teacher equal to a virtuous parent.” —Mahatma Gandhi

Resources* 7 Essential Tips to Relieve Middle School Anxiety * 4 Ways to Save Your Sanity in a New School Year * Your Back to School Strategy: Life Lessons and Daily Hacks – 219 * Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Prepare My Kids for Back to School?

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When was the last time you bought a disco ball? Maybe it’s been a few decades. Maybe it was in a roller skating rink, or you dug one up in the garage for the solar eclipse. For me, I went to the store and bought a disco ball last year.

Let me explain.

I was a leader at a middle school youth retreat a few weeks ago. During one of the sessions, the worship leader explained the word “ebenezer” before singing a song that had the word in it. I realized in that moment that I (a non-middle schooler) did not know before that moment what an ebenezer was, although I had sung about it many times before in “Come Thou Fount” and Chris Renzema’s “Just as Good.”

Ebeneezer (n.) – a commemoration of divine assistanceHe explained to us that an ebenezer was a tangible thing that reminds God’s people of His faithfulness. It’s a term from 1 Samuel 7:12: “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, ‘Till now the Lord has helped us.’” Immediately, my mind was drawn to a disco ball planter on my classroom bookshelf

A Classroom with a WindowMy husband and I moved this summer to be closer to family, and in the process of getting new jobs, one of my biggest and most heartfelt prayers was for a classroom with a window. That may sound silly and inconsequential even, but it was not to me.

The writer’s disco ball planter on a shelf in her classroom with no windows.Every classroom I had taught in until that point had somewhere between one and six windows. I love being able to see the sun and sky during a school day. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone; that life was still happening even if the day inside my classroom was long and dark and hard.

I’ve had many teacher friends who haven’t had the luxury of a window, and I just didn’t think I could do without. So, I began to pray specifically for a classroom with a window. People will tell you to be specific in your prayers, and so I was. I prayed hard and often that God would grant me this request.

I was inspired by Annie F. Downs. Pretty consistently in 2023, Annie would show on her Insta-story a little disco ball at golden hour, radiating light throughout her office. She affectionately called it “disco ball-o’clock.” In my effort to trust that God heard me, I bought a little disco ball planter to redirect the sun that I just knew would be shining through my classroom window. A “disco ball-o’clock” of my own, if you will.

The first day in my new school, my admin walked me around and showed me three choices of classrooms I could choose, and wouldn’t you know it? Not one of those rooms had a window. I was so sure this prayer would be answered that I even mentioned it to my boss: “Do there happen to be any classrooms available with windows?” No dice.

My Ebenezer: A Disco BallI moved my things into my classroom later that day, and I set out my disco ball planter—completely useless in a fluorescent-lit room void of the sun. Or so I thought.

Every time over the past ten months that I have looked at the disco ball on my bookshelf in that room, I have thought of the Lord. This ebenezer points to where my help comes from.

I have thought of how, although He did not provide me a window, He did provide me a friend across the hall that has encouraged me more than the sunshine and sky ever could. Although He did not provide me a window, He provided me a situation which could only draw me closer to Him and increase my daily dependence on a God who hears and cares. Although He did not provide me a window, He has provided me with clarity and movement in an area of life which had become blurry and stale. My ebenezer, this stone set up on my path, has pointed me to God.

“Til now, the Lord has helped me.”

—
(Photo by Rachel Moore/Unsplash)

Life may not always go as planned, but God is always faithful. Placing your trust in him enables you to approach every season in life with a more balanced, positive outlook. Listen to this podcast episode for more ways optimism can serve you: What Does Optimism Bring to a Woman’s Life? – 184

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I feel like this can’t start without a full disclaimer: The decision to have kids, become a mother or start a family is a call you should ultimately make yourself with the kind support of your husband and Lord’s guidance.

Personally though, I was able to identify several things along the way that I would call my guiding lights. They were signs to me that the time has come; that I am ready to be a mom, and that the Lord’s plan for us is to start growing our family.

You know, even as a very blessed woman living in a loving marriage, there were times when I still hadn’t been quite sure if the time was right—and then it clicked and snapped and shuffled, and I felt it. So, here are the four things that helped me realize I was ready to be a mom and gave me the confidence to say, “Let’s do it!

4 Things that Helped Me Realized I Was Ready to Be a Mom1. I found motherhood role models.

When I met my current boss, I was in awe. She is a hands-on mom who didn’t lose her identity after becoming a mother. Don’t get me wrong—my family has a lot of amazing mother figures. But for most of them, motherhood was and is their one and only fulfillment in life.

I knew very early on that I couldn’t do that. It just isn’t in my nature. I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I still had to keep something of my own. That thing to fill up my cup so I can pour out from it for my family. For me, that cup filler has always been my work, so witnessing my amazing boss actually doing it well instilled a great confidence and calm in me.

Suddenly, I saw it was possible. I not only have an inspiring boss but someone who could potentially guide me based on their own experience.

2. My friends and I were in the same stage of life and could relate.

Adult friendships tend to be strange and delicate. You have this amazing set of friends, then you all start your adult lives, and you begin to drift apart. Some of you are single, some are planning their weddings, some travel, and some build their homes while others build their careers. I was often surprised and saddened to find out that the range of topics I had in common with my friends before adulthood took off had since shrunk to a size of a peanut.

Thankfully most of my friendships survived, perhaps because sharing the same outlook on life enables you to hold a good conversations. And then it happened—my dearest friends started to think about starting a family around the time I did. Suddenly I felt supported, seen, understood. I felt strong companionship and hope that we can again tackle things together.

It isn’t vital to have friends who are exactly in the same place as you are, but it is relieving to know they have similar thoughts. Of course, new friends can come with new stages in life, but for me personally, there is something reassuring in knowing I might walk into that new territory with some of my dearest friends by my side. It also helps immensely to be able to talk about all the ups and downs with someone close to you who can relate on a deep, personal level.

3. I’d checked off all the goals I set for myself.

I don’t doubt that becoming a mom will be my greatest accomplishment, but there were still some things I wanted to check off my bucket list before. These were things I felt I needed to get done before I can try to be a mother.

They weren’t only career goals. They ranged from education, establishing a loving and stable household, having deep conversations with my husband and creating some memories just the two of us, and yes, having experienced at least a couple of years building my career.

As an organized and somehow ambitious person, I felt the weight lifting off of my shoulders with each goal I checked off that imaginary list (although funnily enough, I never really put them on paper). My inner peace and confidence grew after my list was complete, and I was so happy I chose to pace myself and play by my own rules. I just felt ready.

4. My husband was ready—and my family was ready to support me.

For some, this could be the only thing on the list. I certainly understand and love that. For others, the ‘last but not least’ phrase could apply here. Seeing my husband evolve into a really impressive father figure, ready to step up into his new role, really helped me imagine us parenting together.

I’m writing this a few days after finding out that I am expecting my first baby. I hope to still see these guiding lights along the way, and I hope if you are in a place where you are thinking about becoming a mother, your own guiding lights appear and shine as bright as you certainly deserve.

(Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich)

—

We won’t sugarcoat it—being a mom isn’t all rainbows and sprinkles. But it can be rewarding when you approach it with the right mindset. Learn more in this podcast episode: How Do We Handle the Messiness of Motherhood? with Laila Schell – 168

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‘Crystal’ asked:Hello Dr. Zoe,

Thank you so much for your time.

I have only been dating my boyfriend for three months, and he has a 8-year-old little girl and co-parents the child with her mom (his ex-girlfriend). I haven’t met the mom yet, but I am taking my time and getting to know my boyfriend and also just getting to know his daughter on a couple outings.

The mother has mentioned to my boyfriend that she would like to meet me as well. I told my boyfriend that I would pray about it and when I feel lead, I would look forward to meeting her. My boyfriend respected this and lovingly said whenever I am ready to meet her that I let him know.

I noticed this past weekend that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable and a bit jealous because my boyfriend’s daughter was talking about her mom, and my boyfriend was talking about the mom, and then my boyfriend’s stepdad was talking about the mom too (all on the same day).

I will be honest that the majority of what I heard coming from my boyfriend’s step dad wasn’t good things, and in times past, my boyfriend has had to call CPS on his ex-girlfriend because his daughter was put in destructive situations. On a side note, he has been very open with me and told me that his ex-girlfriend and him drifted apart after they had their daughter and my boyfriend found Christ, and they official separated after two years of living together and being really distant.

I have never dated someone who has a child or co-parents before, and this is all so new to me. At times it can be overwhelming, especially when he’s telling me his heart desire in the future is to hopefully have a good co-parent relationship where he and his future spouse as well as the mother of his child can all be at a soccer game together. When he said this I was feeling all sort of things. It gave me anxiety (I am not an anxious person… btw).

I am not sure what to do, I can’t really go to my parents because there situation was different. I was raised in a mixed family with my mom and stepdad, but my biological dad was not in my life, so I never really grew up in this sort of dynamic nor really saw my stepdad in those situations.

Also I have noticed that his daughter has trauma and that her mom lets her watch certain shows or movies that give her nightmares. Also my boyfriend and I are really strong in our faith to God, but the mom is not.

How do you deal with things like difference of beliefs from the mom to myself, and how do I deal with the anxiety I feel of her being in his life? How do I deal with this jealousy? Any tips, advice, and prayers would be deeply appreciated.

Thank you,
Crystal

Dr. Zoe answered:Hi Crystal,

I’m so glad to hear that you are taking your time and seeking advice before you make decisions about how to respond and react regarding this blended situation. I also want to acknowledge that blending families is so very hard and also worth it, when done well.

You mentioned that you grew up in a blended family without your father’s involvement. Because of that, it makes sense to me that it feels alien to have the mother involved in her daughter’s life. Just because something feels unfamiliar does not mean it is wrong, and just because something feels familiar doesn’t mean it is healthy.

So, here’s the truth that may sting for a minute but is going to be so good for you moving on. He comes with the package of his child and his ex. Your boyfriend’s ex and mother of his daughter will always be there, and that’s OK. His desire for you two to get along may be a lofty one, but if it is at all possible, it is the best case scenario. You don’t need to be her best friend (that would be inappropriate anyway) or even her friend, for that matter.

But, if you want a future with this man and you plan to be in his life and possibly his wife, you need to meet her and you will all need to find your way toward co-parenting together.

The fact that you two may differ vastly on your parenting philosophies and approach is expected. You can’t change her any more than she can change you, so you should see your differences as a moot issue. You can have your rules at your house and she can have hers at her home, and they both need to be respected. Children can tolerate and learn to easily adjust to different rules in different places, but they don’t easily adjust to strife, bad talking or drama between parents.

Your jealousy is real and expected. It will rear its ugly head from time to time. Let’s honor that it’s weird and disconcerting to have your boyfriend’s ex and mother of his daughter in your life. You have to remind yourself that regardless of why they broke up or who broke up with whom, she is his past. He has chosen you for his future. He needs to communicate with her in order to be the best father he can be to his daughter. Your support in that matter will keep this as healthy as situation as it can be.

Blended families are hard and some people think they aren’t worth the trouble. I disagree. What an amazing role model of health you have to offer his daughter, who will witness your relationship centered in God. What a blessing to have a bonus daughter. And what an amazing opportunity you have to share a love with a man who you feel is your person. You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and grace.

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Many of us have a desire to live lives of purpose and meaning. The Bible is full of messages about loving our neighbor and serving each other and God. But when it comes to taking a leap of faith to answer a quiet calling, that is when things get much more difficult. If the Holy Spirit has ever whispered to you, chances are you were inclined, at least in some small way, to ignore it.

Those whispers can feel inconvenient, unexpected, and uncomfortable. They call us to projects and ideas we feel we’re unqualified to do anything about. But the genius of those Holy Spirit whispers is that they are impossible to ignore. They keep whispering until we’re left with one question: Are we going to spend the rest of our life listening or pretending we never heard it?

Feeling Restless?By the time she was in her 40s, Jackie Craig of Raleigh, North Carolina, had volunteered at her church and at a local women’s prison trying to live a life of purpose. As the mom of two daughters, Jackie felt like she was doing good, yet she kept feeling as if there was something more she should be doing.

Jackie knew part of the restlessness she was feeling was from hearing some of those Holy Spirit whispers. Although she was trying to listen, Jackie did not really understand what they were trying to tell her. She felt like the women’s prison ministry might have something to do with those God nudges and maybe something around furnishings. Jackie loved decorating but that made no sense. What was that whisper suggesting? Decorate the women’s prison cells?

In 2010, Jackie was once again volunteering at her church, this time hanging large portraits of people experiencing homelessness in the sanctuary windows. Along with the photography installations were banners that read What Are You Waiting For? The exhibit was designed to spark a sense of urgency around creating solutions like housing for those without homes, and those larger-than-life faces seemed to be pleading for her help.

As she climbed up and down the ladder, Jackie felt a more personal sense of urgency—what was she waiting for? She couldn’t shake the idea that she was meant to be doing something but she had no idea what that something might be.

Go to GodAlthough Jackie’s whisper felt very vague, it was also very insistent. One day as she was getting dressed for her Bible study group, Jackie decided she had enough. She remembers actually speaking out loud, “God, whatever this is, either get it out of my head or let’s get on with it.”

As she was walking into church later that same day, a woman approached her. “Jackie, I was cleaning out my home and I have a lamp and a toaster in my car. Do you know anyone who might need them?”

Why yes. Yes, she did.

Jackie knew a woman who was getting out of prison, starting her new life with few possessions who could use that toaster and that lamp. At that moment, Jackie’s whisper became perfectly clear to her. It would take months to create and years to fully grow into what it would become, but standing in the church hallway thinking about gifting a lamp and a toaster to a woman seeking a fresh start was the beginning of The Green Chair Project.

Jackie began asking friends and neighbors to donate furniture and items they no longer used so they could be repurposed for good. The core idea of The Green Chair Project was to collect and reuse essential furnishings to benefit their neighbors in need. But at the heart of the program was the dignity of choice. People are not made to take something because they have nothing. Just as one might in a traditional furniture buying experience, people choose what makes their space feel like a home. Jackie began with a closet at her church but that has grown into North Carolina’s leading nonprofit on sustainably-driven, furnishing essential services that to date has helped more than 24,000 individuals.

What to Do When the Holy Spirit Whispers to YouJackie has come a long way since she climbed up and down that ladder in her church wondering exactly what she was waiting for. “Maybe I always knew what I would be doing,” Jackie said. “But it was never my idea; it was all God.”

Somewhere between the women’s prison ministry and the lamp and the toaster, Jackie finally understood and listened to her whisper. She never could have imagined the scale of what that would become, but she began with the first simple step—to match that lamp and toaster with the one person who needed it. And throughout the next 14 years, Jackie kept taking the next right step.

Trusting that faint, vague whisper strengthened Jackie’s faith about her own life. “In all these years, we have never run out of couches and we have never run out of beds,” she said. “If God can do that, I can trust him in my own life.”

Jackie knows she was not special or chosen. The Holy Spirit whispers to each of us. God is waiting to co-create to make this world a better place and help us lead lives of purpose.

What should you do when the Holy Spirit whispers to you?

Trust the whisper.

Take the first next step and the next. Stay on the path to see where it might take you. When the Holy Spirit whispers, take good notes. It’s only the beginning of a life you never thought possible.

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Jackie Craig’s full story, and others who have listened to their whispers, can be read in Kathy Izard’s newest nonfiction book, Trust the Whisper: How Answering Quiet Callings Inspires Extraordinary Stories of Ordinary Grace(Baker Books, June 2024). Speaker and author of five books, Kathy listened to her own whisper in 2007 to quit her job and help build housing for those experiencing homelessness. Kathy believes the Holy Spirit is patiently waiting and whispering to each of us. Learn more www.kathyizard.com

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It’s one thing to dream of neighbors gathering around your table when you have ample, decorated space, freshly cleaned bathrooms, and kids who keep their toys in their rooms and their crumbs on their plates. It’s a different kind of story when you’re renting a humble home with upside-down outlets. Unforgiving, flat-painted walls. Nicked linoleum. Then the dream gets turned round and round in your heart as you ask, “Why?” and “When?” and “How?”

But the best dreams don’t wait for us to be ready. They meet us in boring, over-tired, spilled cheerios, right-now moments. When we feel most inadequate. When we most need hope.

That’s where our family’s dream started. It’s also where it began to collect dust.

If I could talk to my five-years younger self, I would knock on her door until she learned that unexpected knocks are still to be answered. I’d pop over unannounced so she wouldn’t have time to clean first. I’d want her to discover how fast relationships go deep in actual lived-in space. How hospitality is a heart posture first. How we don’t begin ready; we become ready as we go.

She didn’t know yet how much she was missing by sowing only into friendships that required wrestling kids into car seats and fighting traffic across town. There’s a lot of space to curate authenticity when your friendships aren’t up close. Like next-door, bump-into-you-in-the-hood-and-the-grocery-store-and-dance-studio close. If you’re wondering whether that’s possible—namely, how to become friends with your neighbors—keep reading.

Why You Should Invite People OverAcross-town friendships allow you to let people in, but only so far as it still feels safe. Show up pulled together and leave before you fall apart. Join every playdate but avoid hosting. Compartmentalize. Self-protect.

Amanda Anderson shares in All My Friends Have Issues that she doesn’t “believe you ever fully know someone until you’ve been in their house (or apartment, or yurt, or wherever). And for this reason, many people don’t invite others to their homes” (p. 23). And she put her finger right on my biggest reason for not inviting many people over: fear.

Fear that my awkwardness will be obvious.

Fear that I’m too boring.

Fear that my words will come out wrong, or at the wrong time.

Fear that they’ll politely dismiss the invitation.

Fear that where I live will flavor their opinion of me.

Fear that they won’t want to come back.

How To Overcome FearBut the way to overcome fear is to choose who gets the final say. The voice of insecurity or the truth of a God who knows every self-critical thought and doesn’t write me off. The God who whispers promises that make me feel wholly seen and cherished. Who gives me open access to Himself because the best things are taught by living example.

This I began learning when we moved to a bigger house that had an even longer list of things to be embarrassed about it. Like years of neglect etched in leftover trash, forgotten dog piles, spare grass, overgrown landscaping, ruined carpet. And a whole lot of empty, because furniture from a small house doesn’t fill up a bigger house.

I’m somewhat of an introvert, and what helped me feel less intimidated was to think direction over pace. We couldn’t unlearn old habits overnight or learn every neighbor’s name the first month. But I could start small. Be me, but a more available version of me. Trust that God would guide and fill my lack.

Getting to Know the People Next DoorEarly on, we started spending a lot of time in our front yard. Waving at cars. Making eye contact with dog-walkers, bike-riders, and flower-tenders. Walking our neighborhood. Keeping it uncomplicated and simply paying attention to the right-in-front-of-us people.

Smiles and waves turned into small talk, and small talk turned into longer conversations—at the edge of a flower bed, in a garage-turned-wood-working-shop, while marveling over homemade soap lined in rubber-maid bins. We learned names. Hobbies. Habits. Extended invitations: tea parties, birthday parties, stop-over-anytimes.

Before long, our neighbors became our go-to people. The ones we’d ask first when we had to lift something heavy, ran out of chili powder in the middle of making dinner, wanted lawn care advice, or needed help with the kids. In the same vein, we invited neighbor friends to lean on us when they had a need.

We found that many in our neighborhood were already better at this than we were. They’d been building a community for years, even decades, before we arrived. Like it’s normal for neighbors to be friends.

Maybe it should be normal. But it doesn’t happen by accident. Even with neighbors who already knew each well, we still had to forge our own family rhythms and relationships. Keep our door “easy on its hinges,” as Shannon Martin says in Start with Hello (p. 211). Answer knocks on the door when it was noon and we looked like we’d just woken up. Welcome neighbors inside when dirty dishes overflowed onto the counter and the floor was a hot mess. (We don’t have a dog to eat the crumbs. Did I mention that?)

How to Become Friends with Your NeighborsShowing up is gritty. It looks like intentional availability. Built-in and protected white space. Sharing your honest self and telling your God’s-not-finished-with-me story while you’re still in the middle of the story. Fostering friendships and dismantling walls. Reaching through the rain to sit with someone in their pain.

It’s messy. And also the best.

Because we’re not meant to live alone. We need people, you and I both. And I’ve discovered that the proximity of neighbors can lead to the deepest, truest friendships. The kind that listen to and read Jennie Allen, then gather in each other’s homes to discuss. Gather weekly in your unfinished, and definitely undecorated living room, for a small group study while kids play loud in the basement. Let you cry over fresh fruit and mini muffins when your daughter quits on her dance team and you can’t fix it. Invite you to walk into their home unannounced.

We’re starving for real. For permission to be real. For others brave enough to stop curating and comparing when we’re around. And because neighbors already live in close proximity—and therefore spend more time near each other than with their other friends—you can literally do life together. Share burdens and prayer requests, celebrations and sorrows. Unmasked. Just as you.

Beginning is as simple as keeping your chin up and your eyes open. Making eye contact. Being more visible (because it’s really hard to get to know you if you’re rarely outside). Looking for little ways to connect and make someone else feel seen.

Snowballs and Being Imperfectly ReadyAside from the rear-view angle, God only shows us the slice of life we’re currently living. You know the tug on your heart to connect and root deep. You also know your long list of doubts, insecurities, trust issues, and fears. It’s a tension I call imperfectly ready. Maybe you’re there, and it feels wobbly, standing on your little slice of right-now, dreaming of tomorrow, worrying that nothing will ever change anyway.

But let’s talk about this tension because there’s more to it than discontentment or angst. There are rumblings of something coming. And God pressing that spot on our hearts, asking if we’ll trust Him.

My story is that I waited until we moved to begin getting to know my neighbors, opening up to them and letting the things God does inside me spill out. As I look backward, I see grace in years that prepared my heart to open up and let people in. To my life. My home. My faith and parenting and more recently, my writing, journeys.

Sometimes seeds take a long time to sprout. But then, decades later the once painfully shy girl opens her door wide open to neighbors. The English major who practically stopped reading books or writing for 10 years post grad school suddenly gets a God-nudge to pick up her pen.

I started both neighboring and writing about missional neighboring imperfectly ready. Feeling small and vulnerable while learning to trust that there was anything of value God + me could contribute. It wasn’t that I doubted God. I doubted me.

But it was time to start saying yes, and I knew it. Yes to kids in and out of our house and yard all day. Yes to asking a few neighbors if they wanted to check out the missional community (that met at our co-leaders’ house at the time). Yes to eventually hosting our missional community gathering at our house. A curious yes to listening to podcasts when I couldn’t quite make sense of what a podcast even was.

It was the small yes to turn on a podcast—first Sally Clarkson’s and then MacKenzie Koppa’s—that awakened something dormant in me. I sensed God was preparing me to write again, but assumed it would be a long way down the road. It wasn’t. Two weeks later, that undeniable God-nudge. It’s time. But what do I write about?! That thing you’re doing in your neighborhood.

That’s literally how our conversation went. And then I proceeded to tell God all the but-what-about-this’s I could think of. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Others far more equipped in discipleship and missional living already write about it. What could I possibly add? And who in the world do I think I am?!

I kept the phrase imperfectly ready in my tagline when I bought a web domain. The Uncommon Normal: Neighborhood Missional Living for the Imperfectly Ready. I wrote to people like me who didn’t think they were the sort of people to become deeply invested in their neighbors’ lives. Who were intimated by terms like evangelism and discipleship and mission even if they’d known Christ a long time. Who determined they’d missed or messed up too much of life to be any good to anyone else now.

I wrote to uncomplicate missional neighboring (because it’s simple, like a ripple effect, where we let God get real close and change us, and we let others in close enough to witness the in-progress work God’s doing inside us). I wrote to spark hope and offer a gentle path that looks like baby steps.

Because baby steps snowball. They seem inconsequential, but they’re the stuff habits are made of. And habits that set you in the right direction change your life.

(Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, Grit and Grace will receive an affiliate commission at no extra cost to you. All opinions remain our own.)

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Part of reaching out to stranger and making friends is having the confidence to do so—and oftentimes, that confidence is derived from our sense of self-worth. Listen to this podcast episode for tips on how to recognize your value: Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Not Enough? with Jodi Shultz 172

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintAre you putting off scheduling your next OB-GYN appointment? We get it—it can be uncomfortable, awkward, and even embarrassing to chat with the doc about issues or questions related to down there.

That’s why we’re bringing back this episode of This Grit and Grace Life with guest Dr. Holly Miller, a board certified OB-GYN, to answer all the hard OB-GYN questions you need to know about feminine health but are probably too embarrassed to ask about.

This episode is filled with questions that women tend to run from, including:

When do we see a gynecologist?
Why do we see gynecologists?
Do we have to see a gynecologist?
And the biggest question, why are we terrified of seeing a gynecologist?

Whether you’re busy or scared something is wrong and you don’t want to face it, you need to go see a gynecologist. It’s that simple! Neglecting your health is no way to handle potential issues you may be facing. We know after listening, you’ll feel comfortable and confident scheduling your next appointment!

What else you’ll learn:

• When a teenager should see a gynecologist
• When you should have your first pap smear
• How regularly you should have a pap smear and pelvic exams
• How to feel comfortable when seeing your gynecologist
• Important information you need to share with your gynecologist
• What a “normal cycle” should look like
• Symptoms you need to look out for throughout our womanhood
• Common issues you need to know are not normal
• When you need to begin getting regular mammograms
• The top things Dr. Miller wants you to know about your feminine health
• Why you never need to feel embarrassed!

*Dr. Holly Miller* completed medical school at Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine and a residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. She’s currently an OB-GYN physician in Florida. Outside of the office, Dr. Miller enjoys reading, running and spending time with her husband and four children.

Find more from Dr. Miller by visiting her practice website here.

Quote of the episode:

“It’s extremely important that women of all ages have a relationship with a doctor, specifically a gynecologist.” —Dr. Holly Miller

ResourcesMentioned:

• Follow Dr. Holly Miller on Instagram for more feminine health advice HERE.

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X42FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint42SHARESI began babysitting for my high school cheerleading coach, Toni, when I was about 14 years old. At that time, she had one boy, Carter, and was pregnant with Lauren. By the time I graduated high school she had three, beautiful children whom I loved and cared for as if they were my own little brothers and sister.

Right before I went away for college, Toni asked me to go on vacation with her family and her brother’s family of four to help with the kids. I said yes, and we had a great time. However, on the very last night of our trip, something went terribly wrong…

I woke up that last morning to someone nudging my shoulder and saying my name. It was the mother of the second family, the family I had just met that week.

“Hey Ashley, good morning,” she said kindly. “I just want to thank you for everything you did this week and let you know that we really enjoyed getting to know you. We are leaving now, before you, so I wanted to say goodbye.”

I rubbed my eyes, feeling incredibly disoriented, I looked around the room and noticed something peculiar… “Why am I in here?” I asked.

“Oh… yes… well… last night you came into our room in the middle of the night and you used the bathroom … and then you got in bed with all of us … we tried to wake you, but you were sound asleep … so we just ended up leaving you,” she said cautiously.

I died. Well actually, I slept-walked, apparently … but in that very moment all that I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and go back to sleep—I wanted to pretend it was all a dream. But it wasn’t.

Later that day, Toni called me to see how I was doing. She couldn’t stop laughing about the whole situation. She told me that when she woke up early that morning, she went into “my room” to tell me that they had packed the car and were going to get an early start on the road back to Indiana… But she was shocked when she found my bed ruffled, but empty.

She panicked a little bit as she called my phone and searched around the condo, but couldn’t find me. After about 10 minutes of searching, she went into her brother’s family’s room to tell them I was missing … but I wasn’t. I was found. Right there in bed with her brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew … tucked comfortably under the comforter, snoozing away.

Toni told me that she would burst out laughing every so often on their drive home whenever she recalled the sight. (She also took a couple pictures.) It took a long time for me to be able to laugh about it, because I was so mortified. Now it’s one of my all-time favorite stories to tell. Needless to say, I always win the “most embarrassing moment” game with this ace of a memory.

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Still laughing? Don’t miss 9 Awkward Moments in a Woman’s Life, 10 Funny Things All Women Do, and Grocery Shopping with Small Children.

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X58FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint58SHARESSitting here with a bad sunburn after a day at the lake for Father’s Day, I can tell you one thing that has changed my life and my summers with my children: not caring about my size or what people will say when I slip off my bathing suit cover.

I was 5 feet 5 inches tall and 95 pounds in high school. My mother was 5 feet 3 inches tall and 100 pounds, so I was a small girl. Back then I would lift weights to bulk out a little. All those wonderful kids I went to school with gave me the nickname ‘Toothpick.’

Oh, if they could see me now. I was skinny and never had a weight problem, but now as adult, I am thinking back to those kids and how that made me feel. That was the problem—not my weight, but how others viewed me and how their expectations of me got inside my head. I wasn’t a toothpick; I was a small girl who was healthy.

When Body Image and Swimsuits CollideInsert Cosmopolitan magazine, social media, injectables, implants and all the rest, and it’s bound to leave every one of us females feeling inadequate. I had gained weight when I got sober and quit smoking. I noticed more curves and that clothes were fitting me differently. I was always thinking I need to get back to that small girl, that size I was for so long.

That all changed for me the summer of 2014 when I had twins. My twins were not small—my son was 7.5 pounds and my daughter was 6.7 pounds. I carried a lot of baby. That was one of the best seasons of my life. We had tried for so long, and to finally have these babies growing inside me made me so happy. And huge.

When the twins were old enough to get in and out of the car on their own, I got a tummy tuck, which gave me a boost of confidence. Is my stomach flat? No, but I am happy with where my tummy is at now.

Don’t Dwell on Insecurities. Make Memories InsteadAs I write this the day after Father’s Day, I realize it was the twins’ first Father’s Day in June 2015 that I put on my suit and took them to Pinecrest Lake and was not concerned with any background noise. The only thing I cared about was their laughter and shock as their little feet touched the water.

Why don’t more of us adopt that attitude instead of clinging to our insecurity? We worry that we’re not enough or we’re too much when we see another woman in her bathing suits whose body looks different than our own. Her story is different. Every woman’s story is different. How boring it would be if they were all the same and we all looked the same?

My twins will be 10 this August, and every summer, I have shown up suited up and been present. I refuse to sit on the sidelines covered up because my body changed while creating life and growing older.

Moms, your kids don’t care if you have stretch marks. They don’t care if you’re bigger than you were in high school, and they don’t mind if you go up a size from last year. They just want to have fun with their mom. The one that makes them eat vegetables and do math homework. So don’t just sit on the picnic blanket this summer and watch them as you scroll on your iPhone. Get up and make memories with them.

Do What Works for You—And Own ItYou need to do what works for you. Maybe it’s a tummy tuck, maybe it’s a tummy tightening bathing suit, or maybe it’s just a radical mind-shift about life. Maybe it’s both. But I do promise you, the ones looking are probably thinking, ‘Wow, she is so comfortable in her body.” And the ones that are still body-shaming other women just haven’t evolved yet into the place where we fix each other’s crowns without telling anyone. We can pray for those women.

For me, when I see a woman on the beach who may have others question what she’s wearing, I am beyond proud that she owns it and is enjoying her body. We only get one. We only have one life. So rather than hiding it and sitting on the sidelines, suit up and go swimming. I’ll see you in the deep end.

Photo by Vaibhav Kashyap/Pexels.

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Still worried about what the world thinks? Listen to this podcast episode to discover where your self-worth truly comes from: Don’t Let the World Dictate Your Self-Worth—It’s Up to You – 244

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X70FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint70SHARESI have a confession to make: Sometimes, I am a hope flunkie.

Yes, you heard that right. Like an ocean wave that is here one moment and gone the next, I find hope hard to catch, and while I want hope to lift me and carry me to shore, too often it passes me by.

In my youth I was hope-filled and idealistic, perhaps even a bit naive. Yet it wasn’t too far into my young adulthood that I quickly learned my hopeful expectations would often be dashed against the cliffs of reality.

When Hope Feels Out of ReachYou see, my husband is in the Air Force, and there is a Newton’s law of military spouses. Ask any military spouse and they will agree. The law is as follows: The day after your husband deploys, the school-aged kids will get sick, the car will have a flat tire, and your toddler, who is determined to wipe their own bum, will stuff so much toilet paper into the toilet that your bathroom floods. And you will be left to deal with it alone.

There it is, my hopeful expectations that I am a strong military spouse who can handle anything a deployment throws my way, dashed. I learned quickly to lower my expectations. Or, perhaps to say it better, I learned to hold onto high expectations that things will go poorly.

You might not be a military spouse, but without a doubt there is Newton’s Law for your situation as well. As Taylor Swift belts out on my daughter’s record player, “Heartbreak is a national anthem,” and perhaps Taylor has sung no truer statement.

Is It Worth It to Hope?But being a follower of Jesus makes me question my status as a hope flunkie.

Even now, I face a life challenge that has me wondering if I should dare to hope. Like a crocus pushing through hard icy soil, I desperately want to deny my iced-over expectations and hold onto hope. But do I risk it? Or, do I take Warren Buffet’s advice that “the secret to happiness is having low expectations.”

Hebrews 10:19 instructs us to “hold unswervingly to our confession of hope.” So there must be a different course than continuing my string of failures in hope-holding! Walk with me a minute and let’s unpack this.

To find God’s definition of hope, let’s read I John 3:1-3. “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are… and anyone who thus hopes in Him (or, as the NLT says, “all who have this eager expectation”) purifies himself as He is pure.”

Take a moment to soak that in. The God of the Universe, the very one who created the heavens and the earth, to include stars that are upwards of 28 billion light years away, and who also knits together a baby from a single egg and a swimming sperm, loves you. This God set his heart upon you, even sending His son to die so you can be adopted as his child. Mind blowing!

God Will Show UpA few years ago, back in my half-marathon running days, I had a short amount of time between preschool drop-off and pick-up to get in the miles. One windy day I drove to a nearby trail, but I realized I left all my hair ties at home. Knowing I needed to get in the miles, even if my hair whipped wildly around my face, so I determined to run despite the lack of a hair tie.

As I stepped out of the car, I stopped in shock. Right below my feet in the gravel lay not one, but three hair ties! With an entire parking lot of empty spots, I happened to perfectly park my car next to three (much-needed) hair ties. And in an instant I thought, “God loves me.” I think of this silly story often when I think of God’s love.

Also, I remember the time my friend needed to raise $10,000 in 6 weeks to serve as a teacher in Thailand. A man from Alabama called the school in Thailand and told them that God said someone needed $10,000, which he was ready to donate. And so off she went.

Another friend lost her husband and two sons in a plane crash. Years later, when reflecting on the weeks immediately following their deaths, she told me that she and her grief felt cocooned in God’s love. Mostly, I think about Jesus. Beaten beyond recognition and crucified on a cross, all because he loved you and me.

What I find most beautiful about meditating on the Father’s love, is this hope clears away the clutter. Or, as I John 3 says, it purifies us. May I even say this hope detoxifies us from the fallout we feel from unmet expectations? With this purifying hope, I can detangle my earthly expectations from the secure hope I have in my Father’s love. Will you join me?

This kind of hope is the root system I depend upon as my heart wrestles with the crocus-like possibilities of hopeful expectations. This wrestling will take time, because sometimes hope feels out of reach. But if the Father’s steadfast love is the root system of our lives, then our hearts can flourish whether our earthly expectations are met or end in disappointment.

Honestly, sometimes I forget to fix my mind on the solid truths of hope: I am loved, adopted and awaiting my home-going. It is so easy to fall into the trap that hope means tomorrow will be better. But what if my tomorrow isn’t better? Dear one, life is hard, but the love of God softens it.

Slowly, and I say slowly because it is a process, we need to allow the Father’s steadfast love to become our anchor of hope. This is the only hope that will carry us to the shores of our eternal joy in His presence.

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When hope feels out of reach, listen to this podcast episode for a reminder on how to find it: Faith, Hope and Love: They’re All We Need – 229

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X12FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint12SHARESWhen I stormed out of Jimmy’s apartment, mid-dinner on the Fourth of July, I left the peach and raspberry pie I had made behind.

We’d spent the morning apart. I stayed at my apartment baking and thought he was sleeping late at his. Instead, he went water skiing with a mutual friend. I loved water skiing, and he knew it.

I’d Gotten Used to His Selfishness at the Cost of My Self-WorthHis ability to push me aside started to feel like a natural reflex. The missing sensitivity in him was made up by his family, so it took me a while to realize he was truly a jerk. There on his balcony, mid-bite into my hamburger, he bragged about his morning. That was it. I blew up. As I snatched my things and passed the kitchen, I thought of the pie. I left it as a bitter-sweet reminder of what he gave up.

Although, at my car, I thought I should have taken it with me. He didn’t deserve the pie. I didn’t go back.

…Even Though I Gave from My HeartThe pie recipe came from an issue of Gourmet magazine in my father’s apartment, where I’d lived before moving to Newburgh to be near Jimmy. So inexperienced at pie making, I was halfway through mixing the crust before I realized it wasn’t the filling. By the end, complete with leaf scored cut-outs, a golden egg wash and glistening sugar, I felt like a master. I couldn’t wait to make one for Jimmy. I thought it would be the first of many. It wasn’t.

The Fourth of July and pie—this seemed like the perfect pair. But, back in my tiny apartment there was no pairing. I was by myself. Darkness fell and I heard fireworks in the distance. The launch, the sizzle and the explosion. I felt sorry for myself, alone in Jimmy’s town. Did he meet up with friends without me or stay at his apartment by himself, with the pie? Maybe the pie didn’t turn out all right. Until a slice is taken, there’s no way to know.

We were college sweethearts, then weekend lovers for three years. He had given me a ring to wear to be dressed as off limits. But, not officially taken. His family embraced me and I adored them. His mother, his aunt and his grandmother, all unique, were independent, grounded and wholesome. I wanted to be a combination of all three. They didn’t make pies, but that would be my contribution as part of Jimmy’s family.

I Never Wasted Time—or My Love—Ever AgainSeveral days after I left Jimmy, my engine wouldn’t start. Cursing my car for interfering with my new-found independence, I reluctantly called Jimmy for help. He came and gave me his car to drive while mine went in for repair.

We talked briefly when I returned his car. I thought he’d apologize for water skiing without me on the fourth or all the weekend nights he’d left me waiting until dark to make plans. He didn’t. He probably expected I would apologize for yelling at him and walking out. He wanted us to get back together. I didn’t.

I kept the ring, but had to give back his family. As for the pie, Jimmy never took a slice, nor did he throw it away. He said it sat in his kitchen, exposed, until mold ate away at the surface.

Though years have passed, I still remember making that pie for Jimmy and how furious I’d been stomping out of his apartment. When I stopped being angry I had two regrets. Leaving the pie behind and staying with Jimmy for so long.

I’ve made scores of pies since that Independence Day, sweet and savory. Most of them using the same pie dough recipe from the first pie. I’ve surrounded myself with the pie eaters I want in my life. My husband and children love my pies and appreciate the time and attention that pie baking takes. Peach and raspberry pie is still a favorite, and we never let a single bite go to waste.

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The right man is out there—here’s what you need to know in your search: Should I Keep Waiting For The Right Man? Rebecca St. James Shares Her Story – 179

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X160FacebookLinkedIn6PinterestPrint166SHARESWhen I first became a stay-at-home mom, my children were younger and fairly easy to please. At the time, I had an infant, a two-year-old, and two in elementary school. Family meal planning was virtually stress-free because my girls would pretty much eat whatever was in front of them.

My kids were great at giving me a false sense of what homemaker life would be like.

Eventually, they went and did what every child in the history of children has done: they got older. And with that, my days of making small, simple meals every night went right out the window. I didn’t realize an eight-year-old girl could eat like a teenage boy! Not only was my growing family draining my pantry, but my bank account, as well!

I quickly discovered that cooking for a large family was much more difficult than it appeared on the surface. If I wanted to continue staying at home with my girls, I needed to get a lot more serious about budgeting and planning.

I researched meal planning online, bought a few books, and even attended a couple of workshops. Armed with a plethora of new knowledge, I began trying several options with my family. After a few months, I came up with a system that has worked for us for five years now.

Here are a few tips I’ve picked up along the way. (Disclaimer: While many of these ideas work for most families, they certainly don’t apply to every situation. Please experiment and do what works best for your specific needs.)

Family Meal Planning and Prep* Whether it is planning the menu or shopping for the food, involve your children whenever possible. When you ask them to help plan, it gives them a sense of responsibility and ownership. They want to be a part of family decisions, which is a great area to start. The more your kids are involved, the more likely they will be to eat what is prepared and not waste as much. * When planning meals, make menus that incorporate the same ingredients into multiple recipes. For example, spaghetti noodles can be used for spaghetti and tuna or chicken tetrazzini. Ground beef can be used for tacos, spaghetti sauce, sloppy joes, and chili. Chicken breasts can be used for salads, fajitas, and casseroles. By creating a menu that utilizes the same ingredients multiple times, you can usually buy the items in bulk and save money. I usually plan my family’s meals a week at a time, but some people plan for two weeks or longer—it’s whatever works best for your family. * Once all the groceries are purchased, plan a specific time each week to prep the food. The kids can help with this, too. Chop veggies and fruits, cook meats to freeze, and make any dressings or sauces. Busy moms don’t want to do a lot of cooking each night, so by getting most of the legwork out of the way ahead of time, nightly assembly is much easier.

Budgeting and Shopping* To get the best deals on groceries, you will have to shop at multiple stores. This can sometimes be tricky, especially if store locations are inconvenient. To help alleviate some stress, plan your grocery trips in one day. Map your routes to each store (so you aren’t driving around unnecessarily and wasting gas), and know ahead of time which items you are buying at each store. * Shop discount. Stores like Aldi and Save-a-Lot provide quality foods at prices less than major grocery chains or superstores. I utilize Aldi frequently for its deals on meat and produce—two of the most expensive grocery items. If you really want to make your dollar stretch while also eating healthy, these types of stores will help you accomplish that. * Stores like Costco and Sam’s Club are great resources, especially for large families. Items like diapers, toilet paper, bread, meat, and pasta are usually much cheaper when purchased in bulk. But, not everything should be purchased in bulk. You should avoid any perishable items that cannot freeze or should be consumed within a certain time period. Unless you know for certain that you will be able to consume everything without some or most of it going to waste, be selective about your bulk purchases. * Coupons are also handy if you are trying to save money on groceries. Most stores will let you combine store and national discounts for greater deals. However, do not buy items just because you have coupons for them. This can lead to purchasing things you don’t need or will not use, costing you more money. It is usually better to get the item in an off-brand (if possible) or wait for a sale and combine it with coupons. I recommend taking a local coupon class to learn more about dos and don’ts. * Shop the outer aisles of the store, where the fresh food is. If possible, avoid boxed and convenience foods. They can be a budget trap. * Buy in-season produce. Apples are the cheapest in the fall and early winter months. Watermelon and cantaloupe are less expensive in the late spring and summer months. Know when items are in season to get the best deals. You can buy more for less, and it’s great for canning, too. * Instead of foods like baby carrots and bagged salad, opt for the items that require some prep work—heads of greens and bunches of vegetables are much cheaper than pre-packaged items. * Use other types of protein besides chicken or beef. Eggs, beans, lentils, and tuna are excellent protein sources and are almost always cheaper. * Purchase milk when it is on sale and freeze the extra (just be sure to take a small amount out to allow for expansion). * Make your own items when you can (dressings, sauces, baked goods). You will almost always end up with a larger batch than what you can buy at the store, so you can freeze the extra to have on hand for other meals. * If you like to garden, you can grow your own fruits, vegetables, and herbs for a fraction of the cost of buying them in a store, and they will be a lot fresher and healthier, too.

This is not an exhaustive list of how to save, but I hope it helps get you started. You can do this, mom!

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Need a laugh? Listen to our recent podcast episode, Stop the Mommy Wars: Every Mom Is Doing Something Right – 045!

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintYou may have seen the movie “Unsung Hero” and learned a little about the childhood and career of Christian singer and songwriter Rebecca St. James. But we thought we would revisit an earlier episode of This Grit and Grace Life podcast when Rebecca joined the show to chat about another important part of her life: dating and finding “the one.”

Landing your forever-after prince isn’t always so clear-cut. We wonder whether he’s out there, how long it’ll take to find him, and if we’ll even recognize him when the moment arrives. We can even get so frustrated with the wait that we might be tempted to settle for a good man but not the right man. But is it worth waiting for the right one?

Rebecca insists it is. She shares the ups and downs of her own journey through dating and how she ultimately found her husband (and knew he was “the one” almost instantly). She, Darlene, and Julie also discuss what character traits to look for in the right man, how you can stay committed to the values you set for yourself without settling, and whether you’re giving too many husband privileges to a boyfriend who won’t commit.

Rebecca St. James is a GRAMMY-winning Christian singer/songwriter, author, and speaker. She is also the co-host of the podcast Practice Makes Parent alongside Dr. Danny Huerta where they discuss strategies and inspiration for parenting kids of all ages. You can follow Rebecca on Instagram @rebeccast.james, on Facebook @RSJames or on her website at rebeccastjames.com.

Quote of the episode:

“There was this soul connection where it’s like he has the same spirit, same values, same heart, same true, core desires in life.”
—Rebecca St. James on finding her husband

ResourcesMentioned

• Watch “Unsung Hero” here
• Listen to this podcast episode for more on Rebecca’s family: “Meet the Extraordinary Mom Behind the New Movie ‘Unsung Hero’ – 238”
• Listen to Rebecca’s podcast, Rebecca St. James Friends and Family

Related

• Listen to Rebecca’s newest co-hosted podcast, Practice Makes Parent
• Read now: “These 10 Red Flags in Dating Should Make You Run”

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X318FacebookLinkedIn3PinterestPrint321SHARESMy husband and I were watching a singing competition the other night, and I noticed an interesting trend during the competitors’ interviews. Time after time, the contestants made similar claims. The reason they were standing there, taking a televised risk, was because of their father or father figure. For most, the influence of a positive male role model made a difference in their lives. It’s what made them a strong kid, promoting an overall confidence and a healthy self-esteem. The kind of confidence you need to pursue big dreams.

This observation sparked a new curiosity within me. Why do fathers make such an impact? What is it about a dad’s role, specifically, that seems to almost make or break a child?

While Grit and Grace Life is focused on creating a community of strong women, that doesn’t mean we ignore men. Quite the contrary, we highly esteem our male counterparts. While men and women are equal in dignity, ability, and purpose, we believe there are differences between the sexes—and for good reason. Both men and women bring unique strengths to the table, and today, on Father’s Day, it seems appropriate to highlight the distinct ways dads impact their children.

How Research Has Proven the Importance of DadsI’m sure many would agree that fathers make a difference in their children’s lives, but a little research proved to me just how much of a difference they can make. According to a study done at the University of Florida, an involved father helps develop cognitive thinking, promotes social skills, decreases the likelihood of getting into trouble, positively influences academic achievements and future career success, decreases boys’ problem behaviors, promotes better mental health (especially in girls), and the list goes on…

While those are all noteworthy benefits of having an involved father, it only pressed the question further into my mind, “But why?” Why do children flourish when dads are present? My sources highlighted a simple answer: Because men and women are different, fathers and mothers parent differently.

Dr. David Popenoe, a professor of sociology emeritus and co-director of The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, wrote in his book, Life Without Father, that fathers “bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is likely to bring…They have a parenting style that is significantly different from that of a mother, and that difference is important in healthy child development.”

How Fathers Influence Their ChildrenOne way that fathers influence their children is the type of play they promote. Popenoe describes some of these differences in play between men and women here:

“For example, an often-overlooked dimension of fathering is play. From their children’s birth through adolescence, the father’s style of play seems to have unusual significance. It is likely to be both physically stimulating and exciting. With older children it involves more physical games and teamwork requiring the competitive testing of physical and mental skills. It frequently resembles an apprenticeship or teaching relationship: come on, let me show you how.

Mothers typically spend more time playing with their children, but theirs is a different kind of play. Mothers’ play tends to take place more at the child’s level. Mothers provide the child with the opportunity to direct the play, to be in charge, to proceed at the child’s own pace.”

He goes on to explain how these specific styles of parenting and play instill different things in children:

“At play and in other realms fathers tend to stress competition, challenge, initiative, risk-taking and independence. Mothers, in contrast, stress emotional security and personal safety. On the playground, fathers will try to get the child to swing ever higher, higher than the person on the next swing, while mothers will be cautious, worrying about accidents.

It’s sometimes said that fathers express more concern for the child’s longer term development, while mothers focus on the child’s immediate well-being (which, of course, in its own way has everything to do with a child’s long-term well-being.) What is clear is that children have dual needs that must be met. Becoming a mature and competent adult involves the integration of two often-contradictory human desires: for communion, or the feeling of being included, connected, and related, and for agency, which entails individuality and independence. One without the other is a denuded and impaired humanity, an incomplete realization of the human potential.

Perhaps this is exactly why all of those grown-up children were standing there on TV, willing to lay it all on the line… Because they had dads who pushed them out of their comfort zones. It seems that fathers, almost instinctually, give their children the tools they need to pursue their dreams by encouraging risk-taking, instilling a competitive drive, and encouraging them to push past their perceived limits. In fact, an article on Focus on the Family affirms and expands on this by saying:

“Dads, for instance, love their children ‘more dangerously.’ That’s because they play ‘rougher’ and are more likely to encourage risk-taking. They provide kids with a broader diversity of social experiences. They also introduce them to a wider variety of methods of dealing with life. They tend to stress rules, justice, fairness, and duty in discipline. In this way, they teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. They give kids insight into the world of men. They prepare them for the challenges of life and demonstrate by example the meaning of respect between the sexes…

Fathers encourage competition, engendering independence. Mothers promote equity, creating a sense of security. Dads emphasize conceptual communication, which helps kids expand their vocabulary and intellectual capacities. Moms major in sympathy, care, and help, thus demonstrating the importance of relationships. Dads tend to see their child in relation to the rest of the world. Moms tend to see the rest of the world in relation to their child. Neither style of parenting is adequate in and of itself. Taken together, they balance each other out and equip the up-and-coming generation with a healthy, well-rounded approach to life.”

“Fathers have a parenting style that is significantly different from that of a mother, and that difference is important in healthy child development.” -Dr. David Popenoe

What I love about these articles and research is that we are able to see the unique role a father plays in his child’s life without discounting a mother’s. Each parent is vital, and when both are contributing it helps shape a healthy, well-balanced child. Each parent’s influence seems to produce unique, important outcomes. (This is not to say that women can’t encourage the same qualities that men do in their children, but simply that they seem to come from the father by nature, as seen even in the way they play and engage with their children.)

Here at Grit and Grace Life we are devoted to supporting and inspiring strong women, but we also zealously champion our male counterparts. We value men. We believe in them. We want them in our lives and in the lives of our children. But we also believe they are different from us, and we are thankful for that! The world is a more complete place with both men and women working together. It’s a perfect design.

So today, we are showing our love and appreciation for the men who lean into the great privilege and responsibility of fatherhood with grit and grace.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, Grit and Grace Life will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.

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You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Makes a Great Dad? How Can You Encourage It? – 093!

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X55FacebookLinkedIn27PinterestPrint82SHARESGood or bad, how people speak to you or act around you often does have an influence on how we think about ourselves. The greater the importance of that person to you, the greater the influence.

In the delicate dance of parenting, our words and actions with one another have a greater power than we think to build up or tear down. A sideways glance or condescending tone can be detrimental to our confidence as a person and especially as a parent. Often I don’t think it’s our intention to tear one another down, but because men and women can be so inherently different in their parenting styles (and life in general!), we tend to attack those differences rather then learn from them and appreciate them.

My little boy was three years old when I met my husband. Based on watching other relationships and reading several books, I knew I had an opportunity to either encourage and nurture their new relationship or become an obstacle to their bonding based on my actions. Despite the instinct I was fighting to want him to do things the way I did them (the only way I knew!), I really wanted our duo to become a trio, so I decided to take my hands off the wheel and trust the strong character that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

This was not easy…for either of us! I remember him telling me that he wanted to help me more, but because I had such a detailed and specific way of doing things, he was apprehensive. This was a good eye-opener for me and I decided if we were going to do this together, I had to let go a little bit and let him do things his way. Funny thing is, sometimes his way was better! I realized my son not only needed his influence, but he was thriving with it. His way was much different at times, but our son leaned into it to such a degree that I really began to appreciate those differences.

I decided to take my hands off the wheel and trust the strong character of the man I fell in love with.

Last night I went directly to the source and sat down with my husband. I asked him what women could do or stop doing in order to make their men feel like great fathers, and he had some great things to say:1. Communicate.
Because moms are often with their children more than dads are, it can be easy for us to feel like we can’t do anything right. Or, if we disagree with something, it can be hard to speak up. Being able to have open discussions about parenting issues is really important. If your communication as a couple is good, then parenting well together is only a step away. If it’s not good, you need to go back to the beginning and fix your relationship with each other.

2. Let us try.
As men, sometimes when we try to do something good (or what we think is good!) you can involuntarily get in the way and we are forced to step aside. Don’t take over and we might surprise you! Make it a “mingling” of the minds instead of a battling of the minds. This gives us the freedom to rise up as dads and then the kids will get the best of both parents.

3. Encourage.
Encourage us when we do something right. You have no idea how much it means to us and how much more confidence it gives. And if we’re doing something wrong, choosing the right time and tone you tell us goes a long way.

There you go! Straight from the horse’s mouth.

So, give your man the gift of encouragement and help empower him to be a great dad. Raising kids can be the most amazing experience when done in harmony together. Remember: you work best as a team.

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Have Healthy Relationships with All the Men in Your Life – 036!

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X84FacebookLinkedIn3PinterestPrint87SHARESSummer is a time when all moms learn patience and understanding along with a new appreciation for teachers who dedicate their lives to educating our children. I’ve survived those summer days with my little ones. Now, with a teenager, things look different in the summer months. Rainy days make the house feel like it’s closing in, and we are trying to be “good” moms and not turn the nearest screen on. When life brings us storms, we need to learn to dance in the rain.

Rainy days, or even those days when it is too hot to fathom going outside to play, seem to come abundantly this time of year. Here are a few screen-free activities to keep your young kids occupied—and save your sanity—this summer.

10 Screen-Free Activities for Your Little Ones1. Lego building competition. I love LEGOs; they are so versatile. The different designs and the things you can make are endless. You don’t need fancy sets to build. A regular box of LEGOs holds limitless possibilities. Playing with LEGOs helps build engineering skills, problem-solving skills, and storytelling abilities. Sit down with the kids, get your creative juices flowing, and amaze them with your skills. Start with this downloadable 31-Day Summer Lego Challenge.

2. Dance party! Turn off the lights, grab some glow sticks from the local dollar store, and crank up the music. Dance parties were a nightly occurrence for us; my son and I would dance to our heart’s content. It helps burn off some of that built-up energy too. If your kids are a wee bit older, have them teach you a dance. Be open to learning what they want to teach you, even when it doesn’t make much sense. They will remember that you danced your heart out with them.

3. Pinto/rice “sandbox.” Stock up on dried pintos or rice and grab a large shallow plastic tub. You’ll need a couple toy dump trucks, loaders, tractors, etc. Dump the beans/rice in (an inch or so deep) and let your little ones play. Think sandbox but inside and without the mess.

4. I-Spy box. Fill a small, clear plastic box or bottle with rice and little trinket items like sea shells, pretty rocks, things you’ve collected, a small toy (like a LEGO figure or accessory), Barbie shoes, googly eyes, confetti, etc. Make a list of the items, and have the kids check them off when they find them. Make sure you secure the lid once you have the items in there—this way they can turn it upside down to find the items.

5. Pen pals. Ask a trusted friend online to be pen pals with your kids. Everyone likes getting handwritten mail! This also helps incorporate writing into their summer. Not only do they learn to write a letter and work on penmanship, but they get to meet other people.

6. Aquarium/children’s museum membership. Most memberships are an investment, but they are so worth it. We’ve been members of our aquarium since our son was 2. We go constantly, often to watch a program or take a friend. The touch tank is a lot of fun. Then you can go home and look up fun facts about your favorite animals.

7. Scavenger hunt! Create a scavenger hunt with your kids to find things around your house or neighborhood. You can get creative with them and make riddles or simply download one online. If you have older kids and younger ones, let the older ones make it for the younger ones.

8. Read a book as a family. The Magic Treehouse series was our go-to series—historical events but with a fantasy fun aspect. My son would listen for hours, and then he started reading to us (or alternating pages).

9. Board game day. I have played more childhood board games in recent years than I did as a child. Pick some of the classic games (you can even check them out at some library locations) and spend a few hours playing games you played as a child. This always brings up old memories that I end up sharing as we play.

10. Tea party/themed afternoon snack. During COVID-19, I started planning some elaborate themed “party” every week. I needed something to break up the monotony. One week, we had a tea party where we ate little cookies we’d made and sipped tea out of real tea cups. The kids had hot chocolate. One week we had a smoothie party; another week we had a luau-themed party. We picked a theme, and then made simple snacks that corresponded to the theme. It was a lot of fun, plus it got my son interested in cooking.

End your day with a movie picnic—pick the movie, bake something fun together, and have a picnic on the floor. We adopted this as our Friday night tradition. Homemade pizza and dessert on the floor.

The possibilities are limitless this summer. Create a bucket list and let everyone contribute a few things to the list that interests them. When boredom hits, pull something from the bucket and have fun! These days seem long, but remember that your kids aren’t little for long. Enjoy them while you can and save your sanity without sitting in front of a screen all day!

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Summertime puts a lot of pressure on moms to keep their kids happy and entertained. If you need some encouragement during this season, listen to this podcast episode: How Do We Handle the Messiness of Motherhood? with Laila Schell – 168

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X29FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint29SHARESWhen looking for Mommy and Me books, typically people are talking about titles that can be shared aloud with children. But as a mom of four daughters and grandmother to two grandsons, award-winning author Kathy Izard had a different idea.

“I started thinking about how great it would be if families could be sharing books on the same topic by the same author, written for different age groups,” she said.

Her first pairing was her memoir about homelessness, The Hundred Story Home, along with an illustrated book for children, A Good Night for Mr. Coleman. The books were published three years apart, but families, schools and churches have used them to discuss homelessness and how one person can make a difference.

Mommy and Me Books Are Powerful Tools to Initiate DiscussionOver the last few years, Kathy has seen how the books used together can be powerful tools for discussion, so when she was writing the sequel to The Hundred Story Home, she wanted to be intentional about creating the next pair.

Trust the Whisper releases in June (Baker Books) and is written for adults, while Grace Heard a Whisper is an illustrated title for children. Both books share the theme of purpose in life and answering quiet callings.

Trust the Whisper offers over 20 true accounts of people who listened to their ”whisper” and details the remarkable stories that followed. In Grace Heard a Whisper, young Grace learns the concept of a soul and reminds people to listen for their whispers. even in a “loud, loud, busy, busy” world.

“My hope is that reading these books together can begin conversations at an early age about what we are meant to do in this world,” Kathy said. “Moms are often too busy to read a longer book for themselves, but if they can get this shorter message through the kids’ book, then maybe that starts to inspire them as well.”

A Search for PurposeKathy remembers being 44 years old and wanting to do something else with her career as she was raising her girls, but she didn’t know what that might be. “I had big dreams for my four daughters, but I had forgotten what my own were!” she said. Reinventing her second half of life began with listening to that whisper to build homes for the homeless, and that has turned into a path she never expected—author, coach, and retreat leader.

Through her writing and her personal story, Kathy likes to help women who are looking for next chapters, whether that is literally (writing books) or metaphorically (searching for their purpose). Kathy hopes this pair of Mommy and Me reads can prompt children to imagine how they can do good and provide direction to moms who might be searching for their purpose±.

“My real hope is that as a culture we can begin making a shift from listening to the loudest voices and instead value theses quiet callings as our best guides,” Kathy said. “I truly believe these whispers lead us to ourselves, to each other, to God and to our own truest story.”

Image courtesy of Kathy Izard. Learn more about Kathy https://www.kathyizard.com

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Have you been questioning your purpose? Get some clarity when you listen to this podcast episode: Do You Know Your Purpose? It May Surprise You! – 193

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X238FacebookLinkedIn5PinterestPrint243SHARESI have walked with God for a good many years. I met him as a child, ran from him as a teen, surrendered to him as a young adult as he relentlessly pursued me, and I have sought to follow him since.

There have been seasons filled with faith, believing every promise, and feeling so confident in my purpose and the warmth of his presence. I have also had seasons when I felt as if I was drowning in heartbreak, despair, and discouragement, wondering if he was even there or heard the cry of my heart. Wondering as I have believed if God loves us.

In the discouraging times, when God felt so absent from my life, I immediately thought that I had heard wrong or done something wrong. I knew my heart—no matter how much I tried—was incredibly capable of sin. Yes, I had moved on from the “big sins,” the ones that seem to upset us Christians so. Only to realize that God doesn’t have the same measuring stick we hold; jealousy, envy, pride, anger (not the righteous kind), and even looking at someone else and wishing you could be them, have what they have, or be the “Christian” they are are—all sins too. I had not, nor will I in this life, entirely move away from those. They are the tough ones.

Follow us on Instagram!But I have learned and grown to be comfortable with a few things about my God, things that settle my heart and offer me peace when there is turmoil. After all my years of daily reading his Word, praying, creating journals, attending Bible studies, and filling out workbooks, I know less about God than I thought I did when I was 30. While my relationship with him has grown deeper and more dear, I have realized my human understanding cannot comprehend his greatness. The boxes I tried to fit the Creator of the universe into, could not contain him. He is so much more broad, grand, astonishing, and magnificent than the simplicity of my theology or the limits of my expectations. His ways are above ours and honestly, who can know the mind of God? Because of who he is, I have come to be confident that I can trust him, even when I don’t understand.

Incomprehensible, True LoveThe other thing I have learned is that he loves me (and you too) in ways I cannot comprehend nor truly replicate in my life. Even when I doubt, sin, distrust, languish in discouragement or acknowledge the weakness of my humanity, he loves me. The real truth is, he is love. Not just the definition of it; love is his very being. There is no other pure form of this feeling, expression, or action than that which is embodied in the God who left his throne, trading the perfection of heaven for the frailty of earth, who came to give his life for us.

If you are even a little bit familiar with the Bible, you’ve probably heard 1 Corinthians 13 referred to as the love chapter. I have often looked to it as the conduct I need to strive to be like Christ. But it was recently in a book I’ve been reading by Steve Brown, entitled Talk the Walk, that I comprehended that this is the description of Jesus, how he feels about us, and how he loves us. In this book, he suggested that instead of reading this passage as “love is,” to change the words in each line to “Jesus’ love for me is…” This simple change crystalized more to me than ever in my life how he truly and faithfully loves every one of us.

Read these and know each statement made about love is from Jesus to you. Jesus’ love for me suffers long and is kind. There is nothing I can do, say, or be that makes him give up on me; he treats me kindly even when I am undeserving. * Jesus’ love for me is trusted to think no evil. When others condemn me, or I condemn myself, he does not. * Jesus’ love for me does not rejoice in my failings but rejoices in truth. There is no celebration when I mess up, but when I get it right, there’s a party. * Jesus’ love for me is a promise to bear all things. The weight of all I carry, he carries with me—even for me—when I may not feel it or believe that to be true. * Jesus’ love for me is such that it will believe all things. He sees in me much of what I don’t see in myself and knows the day will come when I will become the perfect me. * Jesus’ love for me is faithful to endure all things. When I think he’s had enough, he hasn’t. He never walks away. * Jesus’ love for me is always hopeful. He knows what can be even when it’s not my current reality. * Jesus’ love for me is the only one that will never fail.* You can take this one to the bank. It’s worth more than every treasure ever accumulated on this earth. His love never—without hesitation, caveat, or disclaimer—will fail.

There is a song penned by Daniel Joseph and Toby McKeehan (TobyMac) that has always resonated with me. The lyrics ask these questions, “What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?” These may be questions you have asked yourself; I know I have. You see, I am neither as good as I want to be or as bad as I could be, I am still a work in progress, growing in grace. I am going to stumble, and I will fall. When I do, I’m sure others want to take me to task. They think it’s theirs to question my heart and point out my humanity, but 1 Corinthians tells me that that won’t come from the God I serve.

Instead, what I now know in my heart and desire that every other child of God knows as well is this: “May you be able to feel and understand… how long, how wide, how deep, and how high love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves” (Ephesians 3:19a TLB).

I have learned that he loves me (and you too) in ways I cannot comprehend nor truly replicate in my life… The real truth is, he is love.

—For more articles on being a strong woman growing in her faith, start here:My Embarrassing Moment at Church Changed Me (For Better)
How to Pray (When You Feel Like You Don’t Know How)
It Was an Undeniable Miracle I Will Never Forget
What Does It Mean to Be a Virtuous Woman?
Chutes and Ladders—Are You Trying to Work Your Way to God?
You Are Loved More Than You Know

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Make Decisions (Even the Hard Ones) – 076!

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X7FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint9SHARESWhen you get married, you are not only marrying that person, but you are also marrying their family and their credit score. We love our significant others and we need money to survive, but how do we talk about our finances together? Do you know what kind of spending habits you are marrying into? Is the person you’re marrying a saver or a spender?

Those questions are all things that need to be considered before the wedding bells ring. Being a financially savvy couple takes open communication and hard conversations to avoid marriage pitfalls.

What Money Mindsets Do We Value in Our Relationships?According to the Jimenez Law Firm, “Money is widely known as one of the leading causes of divorce in America. It’s estimated that financial problems contribute to 20-40% of all divorces. That means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money. Typically, around 41% of divorced Gen Xers, along with 29% of divorced Boomers state that the reason their marriages ended was due to financial disagreements.”¹

Another study² shows that 55% of single people find partners who pay their bills on time and who are financially responsible most appealing. I have to agree with the study. This same study found that 44% of couples had like mindsets as their partner. That’s less than half, and I fell into that statistic! I’d like to think that after 16 years of marriage, we are a lot closer to agreeing on financial decisions than when we first started out.

When my husband and I first met, we were on different extremes when it came to finances. I was a college student trying to make my money stretch and save for when I would be on my own, while my husband liked to splurge on eating out and going out with friends.

We soon had to meet in the middle of the financial spectrum. I wanted to save money to go on trips and buy a house while he enjoyed convenience. When we were in the early days of our engagement, we had serious talks about our finances. It was uncomfortable and confusing because we didn’t always agree, but we did try to see the other person’s perspective.

How to Navigate Love and Money as a CoupleTalking through financial goals and expectations can be tricky for couples, even those who have been married for years. As awkward as the conversation is, it needs to be a priority because it can make for fewer arguments in the long run.

There are lots of decisions to make, like whether you will be combining finances and using one source to pay the bills or keeping finances separate. My husband and I both grew up with parents who had combined finances, and that’s the model that we used.

Deciding who will be responsible for making sure the bills are paid on time is important to establish early in the relationship. In our marriage, I pay the bills and keep track of the household finances.

All financial decisions are made together for any purchase over $250. We wanted to set goals that were manageable for us as a couple, that would help us grow a nest egg, and afford us the opportunity to move into our own home one day.

Budgeting BenefitsWe wrote out a rough budget. It showed us on paper how much our monthly expenses were and how much money we brought in. This helped us clearly see what was left over for food, gas, and fun stuff! Being able to see the actual amount you bring home, minus the expenses, can be eye-opening for many couples.

When you are hired, you are told a number. After taxes, withholding and insurance are deducted, you find that you bring home much less than that original amount. Looking closely at your monthly finances and expenses can feel like a similar experience.

We decided that paying ourselves first was important for our saving goals. What I mean by “paying ourselves” is that after taking care of our bills each month, we put money away (usually an agreed-upon amount) in savings. This money is transferred directly into our savings account before we do anything else. After those steps are complete, the money that is leftover is what we allot for spending on things like food and entertainment.

Meal Prep MagicBy looking over our rough budget, we also saw that we spent a lot of money on convenience food and eating out. I started meal planning, prepping, and packing lunches for us to take to work. This way, we were less likely to eat out for convenience rather than as a treat. We now choose to go out 1-2 times a week, usually with friends on the weekends.

Meal planning requires time and effort to be an effective tool for families. I still meal plan weekly and then make our grocery list from the menu, including leftovers for lunches. A quality Crockpot and a food storage saver, so we could buy in bulk, helped tremendously. (Both items were given to us as wedding gifts! Bonus!)

We learned to make different things and try to make things at home that we enjoyed. My husband loves steak, so we had steak when I could find it on sale at the grocery store. Even when it wasn’t on sale, I was still paying less than when we go out for it.

We are savvy in our decision to eat out now. With the rising cost of food and, frankly, mediocre offerings at many establishments today, we strategically plan what we will eat and where before we go. We normally choose restaurants that offer something special that we can’t easily make at home or something that someone is craving.

According to a Ramsey Solutions’ survey conducted in 2017 of 1,000 adults, “One-third of people who say they argued with their spouse about money say they hid a purchase from their spouse because they knew their partner would not approve.”³

Cash Over CreditThe next piece in our financial plan was that we decided if we couldn’t afford to outright pay cash for something, we weren’t going to buy it—unless it was a house or a car. For those big ticket items, we would discuss it together and make sure we were both good with the payment and finance charges before proceeding. No one would be surprising the other with a new car for the holidays!

Using cash for transactions helped us to know our limits on how much we could spend. The world tells us to just charge everything but fails to tell us we will pay dearly in interest over time for the purchases. I do understand that sometimes things happen and you have to charge items, and there are always extenuating circumstances you can address as a couple when they arise. Discussing in advance how you will handle things will help those moments feel less stressful and taxing on your relationship.

When we finally bought our first house, I included an additional $100 to the principal every month. When we later sold that house, we had made such a dent in the principal that we had a large amount of equity in the property. We were able to build our second home. We again paid extra every month so we would knock down the principal quickly. We paid off our house in 11 years instead of the original 30-year term of the mortgage. The overpayments helped us to outright own our home, eliminating our debt.

A Savvy Saving TipWhile we were building our house, we pulled the purse strings very tight because we honestly didn’t know what the house would end up costing. There are fluctuations in the market, building materials are constantly changing prices, and there are always unexpected things that arise.

During this time, my husband and I started a process to help us curtail our frivolous spending. The whole concept was simple—if an item cost more than $50 (you can make this any amount), then you write it on a list and hang that list on the refrigerator. The item would sit on the list for 30 days, and if we still wanted that item after 30 days, we could purchase it. But if during those 30 days you found something else you wanted, you had to remove the first item and replace it with the new item and your waiting period started over.

We instituted this with our son when he was young to help him make smart spending choices. This helped each of us see if we were buying things based on emotions or a true need/want.

Family finances should always be discussed as a couple before a purchase. Large purchases should never be one-sided but should instead be mutually agreed upon. In the beginning, my husband and I weren’t on the same page when it came to our money. But 16 years later, we are a lot more aligned in making smart financial choices. Open communication and an understanding of where the other party is coming from are the first steps to being financially savvy together.

¹“Divorce and Money | Financial Problems are a Leading Cause of Divorce.” The Jimenez Law Firm, 29 December 2022, https://www.thejimenezlawfirm.com/what-percent-of-marriages-end-in-divorce-because-of-money/. Accessed 20 December 2023.

²“Making cents of love & money: 64% of coupled consumers admit to financial incompatibility with their partners.” Bread Financial Newsroom, 1 February 2023, https://newsroom.breadfinancial.com/making-cents-of-love-and-money. Accessed 20 December 2023.

“Money Ruining Marriages in America: A Ramsey Solutions study – Ramsey.” Ramsey Solutions, 6 February 2018, https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/newsroom/releases/money-ruining-marriages-in-america. Accessed 20 December 2023.

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWhen we get married, we have dreams, hopes and goals for what our lifelong union with our new partner will look like. But that idealistic view doesn’t always match reality. Instead, we may find ourselves wondering why our man is so different compared to how he used to be at the beginning of the relationship or to the doting husbands we see on social media. Maybe we find ourselves in constant conflict with him, never finding common ground. Both of these issues can slowly and painfully drive your marriage into the ground.

Comparison and conflict are major, yet common, issues in marriage. Our very own co-host, Julie Bender, experienced them in her relationships. In this podcast episode—and in her book, soon to be releases as part of our “Smart Living in Small Bites” book series*—Julie walks through her difficult upbringing, her first marriage to Paul and the challenges they faced during their 11 years together, his unexpected passing and her experience dating and marrying her current husband, Donny.

Julie shares what to do when marriage is hard, revealing the comparison traps and the signs that indicate serious, underlying issues with communication and honesty and offers practical, fresh ways to resolve them. You and your spouse need to set your pride aside and be ready to work hard to protect and save your marriage. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Our “Smart Living in Small Bites” book series is our latest endeavor here at Grit and Grace Life.We’re creating and publishing a series of subject-specific guidebooks—written by our team of writers with direct experience in those subjects—that you can use to walk (and work) through your own challenges, at your own pace. Keep an eye out for this book and others in the series later this year.*

Quote of the episode:

“There’s no effort that you put into your marriage that isn’t going to bear fruit.” —Julie Bender

ResourcesMentioned

• Julie Graham’s Untold Story of Heartbreak, Healing and Hope – 101
• What Today’s Dating Scene Is Really Like – 094
• Watch Julie’s “Praying for Your Husband Daily” video series HERE
• Stay up-to-date on the release of our “Smart Living in Small Bites” book series. Click here, then scroll halfway down and sign up for our newsletter on the right-hand side of the page.

Related

• Marriage Is Not a Hallmark Movie—But It Can Be Better
• This Is a Window Into My Widowhood

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X144FacebookLinkedIn5PinterestPrint149SHARESIt’s finally summertime, and I want to make family memories! I can’t help but think back on all the sweet times I had as a kid during summer break. Days on end in bathing suits, melted popsicle juice running down my cheeks, and bare feet on the grass created some of my fondest memories (and I know I can’t possibly be alone in this)!

Since that’s what this season is all about, I’ve created a 50-item summer bucket list. Some are free and easy, and others are more involved, but they’re all sure to leave you and your brood smiling as you mark this summer as one to go down in the books. Plus, Mama, having a little fun will help these long days go by a little faster!

Summer Bucket List to Make Family Memories:Have a backyard picnic
Run through the sprinklers
Create a backyard slip-n-slide
Watch a meteor shower
Make homemade popsicles
Build a pillow fort
Scour the town for free activity classes
Take a day trip to a local attraction
Eat watermelon
Have an arts and crafts day (Pinterest anyone? Painted rocks, homemade slime, handprint art?)
Attend a baseball game
Try geocaching
Make goodie bags to donate to the homeless shelter
Make homemade pizza
Find shapes in the clouds
Play flashlight tag
Volunteer at the animal shelter
Have a movie marathon (popcorn and all!)
Go backyard camping
Fly a kite
Make homemade lemonade
Have a pillow fight
Plant a garden (Well, maybe start with just one plant.)
Attend a parade
Go mini-golfing
Write letters to soldiers
Spend an afternoon at the public library
Make tie-dye shirts
Draw with sidewalk chalk
Have a cannonball contest in the pool
Have a water balloon fight
Catch a firefly
Make s’mores over a bonfire
Visit a local farmers’ market
Read a new book
Jump on a trampoline (Even better, visit a trampoline park!)
Watch the 4th of July fireworks
Make homemade ice cream
Hang a bird feeder
Climb a tree
Visit all your local parks
Bury a time capsule
Go kayaking, canoeing, or tubing
Bake cookies for your neighbors
Collect seashells
Have a family game night
Build a sand castle
Get henna tattoos
Visit Mom or Dad at work

And certainly, last but not least, take pictures of your adventures. Instead of just posting to social media, create a photo album or scrapbook at the end of the summer to ensure these memories will last a lifetime.

Summertime —the days are long, but the season is so short. Make the most of it and make family memories!

—You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Raise Responsible Kids: Tips for Every Age – 087!

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X77FacebookLinkedIn9PinterestPrint86SHARESI know that a woman of faith probably shouldn’t admit she thinks any book of the Bible is depressing, but there is one that I truly believe is! I realize there are some pretty troubling stories and incredibly sad scenarios written in God’s Word, but before you get all weird on me, thinking I am speaking badly about the Bible, hear me out. I find it easy to believe that God would agree the stories are both troubling and sad. Much of what is written reveals our human failure and our pursuit of selfishness and sin. These words also reveal God’s righteous intervention as He offers His mercy and grace with the goal of rescuing us from ourselves.

It is when I read the book of Ecclesiastes that I find myself uttering a huge sigh and often resist the urge to just pound my head against the wall. I mean, really, life is meaningless? Yes, in case you haven’t read Ecclesiastes, that’s what King Solomon shares.

This man lived the most elaborate life: possessing wealth untold, wisdom more than any other, challenges from enemies, and way too many wives. And what was the final musing of this king? That there truly is a lot of meaninglessness in this world.

I have awakened many days wondering if what I am doing has any value and whether I am accomplishing anything of purpose…so the statement does have value. But to write life off as completely meaningless—I certainly can’t!

Finding purpose with God as our starting point.As you read further in the text and elsewhere throughout the Bible, you discover an enormous amount of hope and meaning to be found in each day. The last chapter of Ecclesiastes speaks of what we are to do when we’re young: love God and follow Him so that we have no regrets when we are old. We can indeed find purpose in the mundane parts of life, and loving God is our starting point.

When asked “which is the greatest commandment?” Jesus’ reply took this concept even further. “Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matt 22:37-38).

Love the One who holds your purpose.Finding your ultimate purpose begins with loving God. This is not a demand; it is an invitation. But an invitation to what? To recognize our need for Him and realize the chasm that separates us from God, and to understand the sacrifice made by the same Jesus who elaborated on our loving relationships. Then, finally, to accept the love from the only one who offers it perfectly and extends ours in return.

Click to start discovering your purpose, now!It is a generous offer from a personal God who knows us completely. He alone knows who we are in our heart of hearts, our strengths, our weaknesses, and the talents and abilities we possess. He also knows the paths that will bring us fulfillment. He will walk with us as we discover our ability to accomplish things we never thought possible, delighting with us when we do.

You are created for a unique void in the world.The second part of Jesus’ reply was that we love our neighbors as ourselves. This one is a two-parter. We often say that we must love others, and that is true, but to do it well, we must love ourselves first. This is not a request to look in the mirror and declare out loud “you are one fine woman,” although we may need to do that, especially on tough days. This is an invitation to understand we are special, unique, have a place in this world that is solely ours, and within us is all that we need to fulfill it. We have worth and are here to fulfill a purpose.

That understanding gives us the ability to look at those around us through the same lens, recognizing their worth and unique place within the family of God. When you have just a little time, read 1 Corinthians 12:12-26. You will find an analogy that uses the parts of the body to speak of believers and their diversity and how they make up the body of Christ. Not only does it speak of their diversity, but their equality of importance, their protectiveness of one another, and their acts of love toward one another. When one is hurting, all suffer with that one. When one is honored, all rejoice together.

We have worth and are here to fulfill a purpose.

As our purpose unfolds when we choose to love God, it naturally transforms into the ability to love others—which is a real display of finding our purpose. I truly love Matthew 25:34-40, which reminds us of some of the simplest ways we can care for others. A portion of which says this, “For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me” (NLT).

So, it is true that life can be meaningless, but it need not be so. There is purpose to be found in our faith—a purpose built in love. It is ours to love God and love others. Can you even imagine how this world would be transformed if we individually embraced this as our purpose? If each of us who claim this faith were to love in the manner that we are loved? If our hearts were completely given to the God we love, following His example as He walked this earth? If we fed the hungry, took in the stranger, clothed the poor, cared for the sick, and visited the prisoners? If we put aside our differences and focused on what joins us together, following the real purpose in our faith—to love and love well?

Let’s share this purpose with those around us, encouraging others by our sincere actions. I am confident not only that we can, but that in many places we already are. As Paul wrote to the church in Thessalonica, I would write the same to you, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT).

So know this: life is not meaningless. Our faith reveals that there is great and rich meaning. One easily acted upon and recognizable by all: to love. And, my friends, to do it with all our hearts.

What is Self-Love? | Watch this now.

Follow us on Instagram!—Would you like to read more about a woman’s purpose? We recommend starting here:Why Now Is the Time You Should Rethink Your “Purpose”
How Do I Know What Defines Me?

Don’t miss these popular articles:6 Ways to Love the Addict in Your Life
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***Dear Friend, He Doesn’t See Your Worth But I Do

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Check out this episode from This Grit and Grace Life podcast: 7 Lessons From Easter That Matter Every Day – 086!

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X92FacebookLinkedIn8PinterestPrint100SHARESMy oldest son has the most beautiful head of blonde hair I have ever seen. I know this is an odd statement, but it’s true. I have been stopped by strangers in public who compliment me on his cool hair, even though he is past the cute baby stage and well into the gangly preteen years. It’s the envy of his friends (I’m not lying about this,) and a color many women pay hundreds of dollars to maintain.

But for me personally, I’m tired of seeing it.

Let me rephrase. I’m tired of seeing just the very top of his hair as he stares down, neck craned in that awkward “I’m staring at my phone” posture. I want to see his eyes. I want to interact with something other than his beautiful hair. I feel like I’ve lost my son to technology and I’m tired of it. His cell phone has taken over his mind like an alien, if an alien were to cost us $49.99 extra for unlimited data and texting.

On top of the worries about the electronic vortex stealing him away from precious family time, a groundbreaking study by the National Institute of Health (NIH) found that not only are phones addicting, but there is a strong relationship between depression in teens and screen time. And that’s enough to make me sit up and listen and figure out how to get him off his phone.

A recent groundbreaking study by the National Institute of Health found that not only are phones addicting, but there is a strong relationship between depression in teens and screen time. It’s time to take notice, Moms!

But exactly how I am going to do that… well, that’s the mystery. Because unlike younger ones who are easily entertained, tweens are, by nature, tough customers. As products of their generation they have flea-like attention spans and as products of their age, they are cynics and doubters, quick to roll the eyes and dismiss things as “uncool.”

So, as any good mom does, I took myself right on over to Pinterest to get some ideas. I needed to know what to do to get my son to look up every once in a while. But much to my dismay, when it comes to teens and tweens there isn’t much out there for struggling moms like myself. Sure, there are lots of articles, but most of them focus on the younger crowd. And as much as it pains me to admit it, my tween is just not about to get entertained by playing Legos. He’s not.

So what do we do?

Well, after chatting with the experts and my fellow moms, we came up with a few ideas that are surefire tween-approved alternatives to electronics. No, they probably won’t get you a complete phone-free reprieve, but they will get some valuable and rare connected time with your tween and their friends.

Here are 5 tips to get your teenager off screens:1. Games

Gone are the days of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. But tweens and teens have rapidly developing minds and reasoning skills, so now is the time to break out the games you actually like to play. Chess and Backgammon are classic games that will grab your logical thinker while Risk and Axis and Allies will appeal to your strategic minds. And don’t count out the just plain fun games of Pictionary and Scattegories. Big kids love to play them and they provide great family bonding time as well.

2. Get Outside

If you can get them there, kids all tend to grow and come alive in the outdoors. It doesn’t have to be a big trip; a simple basketball and a hoop or a local baseball diamond inspires tweens to move. There is nothing my boys love more than tossing the football with their dad and it is always sure to pull them away from their phones. A family hike or walk is a great after-dinner activity for the whole family too.

3. Enlist The Mom Army

When my middle son was showing signs of a severe Fornite addiction that was causing some less-than-desirable behavior problems, we decided to call for reinforcements: reaching out to our close-knit circle of friends. And after chatting with a few of these fellow parents we quickly realized we weren’t alone.

From these conversations our “No Fortnite After School” play group was created. Twice a week, our parent group would take turns hosting five boys after school for an electronic-free play date. Healthy snacks were served, play was outside (and boisterous), and the habit of hitting the “On” switch immediately after walking in the door was broken. Having friends join in on the anti-screen time initiative helps make it more attractive to your big kids and will appeal to their very social natures too.

4. Projects

I know this seems like work, but tweens and teens are a very unique breed. They are driven with a sense of idealism, so service projects are perfect for them. Giving back and helping doesn’t have to be complicated, but creating a project or enrolling them in an already existing service effort appeals to their civic-minded generation and also opens their hearts to a lifetime of empathy and service as well.

5. Learn a Life Skill

Before we sound like everyone’s grandfather, bemoaning the times when we fixed things ourselves and didn’t always need the next new thing to be happy, hear us out. Trades like car repair, sewing, and cooking are falling by the wayside. Gone are the days where Home Economics and Shop Class were a staple of high school class schedules.

Spend time teaching your big kid skills that will carry them through the rest of their lives. Have a great muffin recipe? Pass it down and teach them as you bake. Know how to change the oil in your car? Get your teen out with you so they can do it themselves when the time comes. They not only will enjoy learning something truly helpful for their lives, but they’ll also spend precious minutes bonding with you as you teach them. And you don’t need me to tell you just how important that is.

I think it goes without saying that all of these activities require one thing from us as parents: participation. That groundbreaking study was focused on our kids, but I can’t help but feel that it applies to us as well. If we look up, look out, and start to interact too, it will be a lot easier to get our kids to do it. Spend time with them in their last few years at home. Teach them things, talk to them, and listen. They won’t remember that funny text their friend sent, but I can guarantee they will remember those minutes spent with you.

—
For related content and motherhood encouragement, check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life:When Is Your Teen out of Control and What Do You Do? With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 032

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X60FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint60SHARESAs a kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, I loved listening to my mom read to me. As she would read, I would be inspired by a little engine that kept persevering up the hill. I loved the way Winnie the Pooh and his friends stuck together regardless of the mishaps that occurred along their adventures. I was inspired as Belle was able to look beyond the outward appearance of the Beast to see who he could become rather than who he currently was.

The one thing I don’t remember seeing in the books my mom read to me was a little girl who looked like me, who had curly black hair and cinnamon-colored skin. I didn’t see families that looked like mine—ones with single moms or grandparents who lived in your home. Ones with an absent parent. Ones that looked and sounded different.

Thankfully, that trend has been broken! There are many children’s books out there today that celebrate our beautifully diverse world with relational, generational, racial, cultural and religious blending. These distinctions are not something to divide us, but rather, something we can celebrate!

5 Children’s Books Celebrating Our Beautiful DiversityHere are 5 newly released children’s books that celebrate our beautiful blends.

1. No Hush Little Baby by Rachael MacalusoDo you have a strong-willed little girl? No Hush Little Baby follows a momma and her daughter as the little one learns to embrace her voice… and her cry.

What I Love: As soon as I read this story, I immediately said, “This was the book I needed when I was a little girl.” Although this is a children’s book, the message speaks loudly and gently to the little girl inside of us women, too. I also love that this story follows the characters’ story as the daughter grows into an adolescent and teenager, addressing real feelings and situations we face while growing up.

Who’s Featured: No Hush Little Baby features an interracial family, with a white mom and a brown daughter.

1. Chasing God’s Glory by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-YoungFollow Zayla and her mom as they set out on an adventure to discover God’s glory and beauty that surrounds her (and us) every day.

What I Love: Chasing God’s Glory is not only an inspiring story, but it also beautifully illustrates and celebrates how God’s glory is found in our diversity. As the duo rides their bikes, they encounter urban areas, farmers markets full of various foods and vendors, an elderly couple, a homeless man, and much more.

Who’s Featured: As Zayla and her mom continue on their adventure, you learn that Zayla’s dad has passed away. It’s then that Mama explains how Zayla is a beautiful blend of her mom and dad and that celebrating Dad’s memory is also part of God’s glory.

1. Patchwork by Brittany Pogue-Mohammed AcostaPatchwork is reminiscent of traditional children’s stories. While out for a walk with her favorite patchwork quilt, a little girl discovers friendship with several animals as she uses her quilt to help each animal in a uniquely special way.

What I Love: Life can be lonely when we walk alone. Patchwork illustrates the importance of friendship and kindness. We don’t have to look alike or come from the same backgrounds to extend compassion to one another.

Who’s Featured: A little girl with brown skin along with her animal friends. The little girl’s race is never revealed, allowing a wide range of readers to personally identify with her.

1. What Color Is God’s Love? by Xochitl DixonGod created every color and shade we see. It’s a way that He demonstrates His love. From the bright orange of a sunrise to the darkness of the midnight sky, discover God’s character and deep love for us through every shade.

What I Love: What Color Is God’s Love weaves the truth that nothing God does is by chance, including the colors He chooses to display His creativity and love. His splendor is all around us.

Who’s Featured: Just as the world around us is painted in various shades, so are we. Humans are beautifully blended in many ways—ethnically, culturally, physically, and more. What Color Is God’s Love celebrates our blends in a fun and vibrant way.

1. Kailani’s Gift by Dornina Lazo Gilmore-YoungKailani wants to learn a traditional Filipino dance (tinikling) with her siblings so she can perform with them for their grandparent’s anniversary party. But it’s a lot harder than she thought. Kailani learns the value of perseverance in this heartwarming story.

What I Love: Trying new things can be intimidating and scary. When success doesn’t come immediately, giving up can be easy. Kailani’s Gift demonstrates the beautiful blend of grace and perseverance that we need to have for ourselves and others.

Who’s Featured: Kailani’s Gift teaches the reader about Filipino culture! You’re introduced to terms like Lola and Lolo (Grandma and Grandpa) from the first page. The reader also learns about dancing, food, and traditional Filipino dress.

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Want to learn more about our role in honoring and celebrating diversity? Start by listening to this podcast episode: Our Duty to Celebrate Racial Diversity as Women of Faith – 207

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWith Memorial Day upon us, co-hosts Darlene Brock and Julie Bender are honoring service members’ sacrifices by encouraging us all to step into every area of life the same way those military men and women did—with bravery.

But what does that look like to be brave at work? In our relationships? In motherhood? In this episode, Darlene and Julie identify instances that might give us pause and why it’s critical to push through them. Our character and integrity are often at stake in these situations, so we must be willing to get comfortable with being uncomfortable—whether others think we’re uncool or overprotective or too Christian—to protect them.

Bravery isn’t easy, but it’s worth the things that matter.

Quote of the episode:

“But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows.” —Luke 12:7

ResourcesMentioned

• How to Handle a Hard Relationship with Your Mom – 089
• Read about Ananias approaching Saul in Acts 9

Related

• Establishing Healthy Boundaries in the Grit and Grace Life
• Find the Bravery to Live Our Your Purpose

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X74FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint74SHARESChange is in the air. Soon our pale limbs will be exposed in summer attire and our children will stay up late chasing fireflies. We will trade cozy sweaters for bathing suits and roaring fires for swimming pools. I love summer!

I especially love the change in rhythm that summer affords. During the school year my family is up early, eating scrambled eggs and bagels just as the sun peeks through the kitchen window. But summer means slower mornings and later nights. It means more time outside catching the rays of sunshine and taking a breath after a year of studies. And when our kids were all really little, it meant pulling jammies over their damp hair in the pool bathroom showers and calling it good.

Our summer days are just a tad more lazy, a tad more unstructured. Yet summer also cracks open possibilities that weren’t there during the school year. Possibilities like exploring a museum we missed during the school year or spending hours at the beach catching waves and eating PB&J sandwiches. For my teens, summer gives them the opportunity to work extra hours at their jobs and drive to a friend’s house in the middle of the day.

And with all these possibilities comes the chance to discover new ways to connect with God this summer, ways you may not have discovered before. I am convinced we need nothing more than we need Jesus, and summer is not an exception. Perhaps for some us with school-age children, we need more of Jesus’ grace in the summer as our kids require more from us throughout the day.

4 Ways to Grow Your Family’s Faith This SummerJust like the spring flourishes into summer, we need inner flourishing. And since Jesus spoke the words of true life, inner flourishing is found in Him. Therefore, spending time in His Word is a beautiful way for us to flourish. So let me offer you a few suggestions of ways you can allow the changing season to grow your family’s faith in God this summer.

1. Choose a children’s Bible and read it with your kids every night.This one seems simple, but should not be overlooked. For some of us, summers are jam packed with early morning cries for breakfast and evenings so deep with exhaustion that we barely make it to our beds before falling asleep. So instead of feeling guilty that you can’t find time to open God’s Word, use this summer to grow in your understanding of the complete storyline of scripture.

As a young mom, you probably won’t be reading through the entire Bible in a year, but I bet you can read through a children’s Bible in a summer. The bonus to this plan is that you do it with your kids. I recommend Sally Lloyd-Jones’ The Jesus Storybook Bible and N.T. Wright’s God’s Big Picture Storybook Bible. Remember that any and all time with His Word is time for your flourishing!

1. Institute quiet time for the entire family.Once your kids are old enough for self-play, meaning they won’t draw on the wall and pee in the corner all in one sitting, teach your children to have about 20-30 minutes of quiet time in their room. Preferably do this without electronics, because we know the temper tantrums that ensue when they must give up their beloved iPad.

Consider giving them library books, a basket of toys you keep separate for quiet-time use (my kids loved MAGNA-TILES), practice math sheets (I kid you not, some kids love these. Just not my kids), and my children’s all time favorite, an audiobook or listening to an “Adventures in Odyssey” episode.

Now, you are going to be tempted to use this time to clean the kitchen or start a load of laundry, but don’t! Grab some chocolate and sit down. I might suggest reading through Matthew first and then Ephesians, and if you still have summer days left, move to 1 and 2 Peter. Read slowly, using all your senses to immerse yourself in the story.

I cherished these afternoon quiet times. For me, they were a summertime necessity, propelling me towards bedtime and a growing garden of grace within my heart.

1. Listen through the New Testament.This one is perfect if your kids sleep in a little later or if there is a chunk of time where they are completely self-sufficient. I can’t imagine doing this with toddlers crying at my feet. But if your children’s summertime mornings are quiet or if they have an hour of sports practice every evening, then listen through the New Testament this summer. You can listen while you take a walk or wash dishes or sit at their swim practices. When time affords, you can choose to read the passage for the day instead of listening to it.

I suggest following along with Tara-Leigh Cobble’s The Bible Recap. Following her plan you can listen through the New Testament in three months, the perfect amount of time for summer (plus a little extra). With this plan, you listen to a selection of Bible chapters each day, and then Tara offers a 7- to 10-minute teaching to help you understand what you just read.

I find this situation a win-win. You have a plan, and you have help to execute your plan. This kind of consistency deepens roots for garden flourishing.

1. Meet with some moms in your community for coffee and a Bible study.Summer is a great season to find mom friends in your neighborhood with whom to read the Bible. Of course, this is for the moms who have the time and space in their schedule to do this. As a mom of littles, don’t read this and get discouraged… or jealous! Everything in its season. And as I am now an older mom, I would go back and trade places with you in an instant! So please don’t disdain the season you are in.

For those of us with only teens in the home, we have the gift of time. Let’s use it wisely. Your teens will probably have jobs or high school sports practice, and while I’m not saying it is simple, it is certainly more simple than locking the bathroom door when you pee just so you can have four minutes of quiet a day!

One of my high school mentors started a summer neighborhood Bible study, and some of the ladies began following Jesus that summer. And there is such beauty in giving of ourselves when we can. So now that you have some extra time to give to people other than your children, take your personal flourishing and give away a bouquet.

Whatever you choose, God promises His word will not return void. Remember that as you press into His bountiful Word, God will grow your family’s faith and a beautiful garden within them—and you. I’m cheering for you, Momma!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

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Our culture’s messaging is often contradictory to the Bible. Here’s how to bridge that gap while facilitating your children’s connection with God this summer: How Do I Raise My Kids when the Culture and Bible Collide? with Dr. Jim Denison – 177

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X112FacebookLinkedIn12PinterestPrint124SHARESIn the spirit of keeping it real with you, I thought I’d write today on how much of a hot mess I am. Side note, it’s currently 3:53 pm (I like to call this time the witching hour in our house), and I’m hiding in a dark room listening to my 5-year-old “make juice” for supper. If you already have kids then you know how bad this is and if you don’t, then let me tell you, it’s bad. I just don’t have the energy today to stop him. And I’m in over my head.

It probably started last night but it’s all kind of a blur right now. I went to visit a friend’s new place after dropping my teenage daughter off at dance. That was right after the big meltdown she had because I wouldn’t allow her to hang out with friends later that evening since she had slept in and missed her early morning vocal class. Not the first time either. Of course, it “wasn’t her fault,” it was “the alarm clock’s fault,” even though she never set the alarm clock… And, “I’m ruining her life for literally no reason.” OK, am I missing something here? Anyway, on the way, I decided to stop and grab some decaf tea for us. I usually always doublecheck to make sure it’s actually decaf (yes, I know I’m like 90 years old but I seriously can’t handle caffeine after 2 pm), but this time I didn’t.

Today, I’m in over my head.

You’d think that I would’ve realized what I had done when I was lying there at 12 am—wide awake—but I didn’t. Instead, I did what any normal person would do and started googling things like sleep disorders and postpartum depression. By 1:30 am, I had fully diagnosed myself and was already spiraling out of control trying to figure out how I would run my life with such a disorder. I started having a complete mental breakdown by 3:30 am as I watched my 7-month-old sleep peacefully, knowing I was going to pay the next day. I’m paying…

By 4:15 am, I think I finally drifted off and snoozed my alarm at 7 am. I realized by 8 am that I had to have the kids to school by 8:15 am and be at the doctor’s office by 9 am so that my 7-month-old could get immunized (a month late, can you see a pattern here?) and my 16-year-old could get re-immunized because she got her measles, mumps, and rubella shot five days too early 15 years ago, so it doesn’t count.

Here Comes the Mom GuiltI got the boys to school late. Cue the mom guilt now. I spilled an entire coffee all over my car on the way because I insist on using my favorite travel mug even though I know it doesn’t fit in my cup holder. It’s just so nice to drink from. I now have no coffee and am running off of four hours of sleep. Did I mention I drove the entire way while breast pumping? Not one of my finest moments.

The house is a mess, my car is a mess, I’ve got 13 loads of laundry to do, and somewhere between this morning and now there have been multiple outfit changes due to explosive baby poops and vomits, a reminder that the hydro bill needs to be paid… And did I mention I am dreading the fractions homework my 6th grader brought home that I already know I can’t do?

We’ve had two meltdowns, one because we can’t eat Kit Kats for supper and the other because I’m looking at him funny. Oh, and a baseball through the drywall. Would you believe me if I said I could go on?

Mom, You’re Not AloneIt’s definitely been one of those days today and you’re probably wondering why I’m sharing this with you.

For starters, I wanted this article to be real. I don’t want to share perfectly put-together pages and happy posts only. I want to share the truth with you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This is the ugly.

These are the days that push me to my limits. That make me want to throw in the towel, order a bucket of chicken, and binge-watch Netflix while those tiny humans wreak havoc in the other room. My kids make an episode of Nanny 911 look tame, and if I’m being completely honest, they make me question myself altogether, and how I will ever do it all over again tomorrow?

Maybe you’re a seasoned mom and this article is sounding all too familiar to you. Maybe you’re a new mom and you’re wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into. Or, maybe you’re not a mom yet but you want to be. If that’s you, don’t run; I promise you it’s worth it!

On days like today, I have learned to simply hang on for the ride and do the best that I can until bedtime! I know that I will survive, that I will sleep, and that tomorrow will be better. Not every day is going to be perfect. It never is, but I know for myself, that I always find encouragement when I hear other women share her real stuff. I always feel slightly better when I hear another woman tell me they have a load of laundry in the washer that might have been there for a day or two.

With Grit + Grace, You’ve Got ThisMaybe I can’t sit down with you and share it all over a cup of coffee, but if I could I would probably tell you that I’m learning that motherhood is messy.

That even the best moms sometimes lose their cool and that although today didn’t turn out the way I had planned, I am reminded that God gives us grit and grace for each day, and it’s new every morning.

Hopefully, this post will allow you to take some comfort in knowing that there are other women out there (like me) who once in a while have to throw up their hands and send out an SOS. That The Grit and Grace Project will be a place where you will find a community of women who “really get it” and who will be honest about the laundry that’s been sitting in the washer for days. And that you will find a group of women who can come along side you and carry the load when it becomes too much to bear. I hope this article will remind you to laugh at yourself when you’ve done something ridiculous (and you will) and remind you that motherhood is messy and it doesn’t always go according to plan, but that it’s okay because His grace is always sufficient and tomorrow is always a new day.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 NIV

Even the best moms sometimes lose their cool and although today didn’t turn out the way I had planned, I am reminded that God gives us grit and grace for each day, and it’s new every morning.

—Tired of all the mom guilt? Check out these articles:Why Every Mom Needs to Have a Meltdown
When You Don’t Feel #Blessed as a Mother
Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Have Both Motherhood and a Career?
Welcome to Holland. A Message Every Mom Needs
To the Mom Who Feels Like It Never Ends
Dear SAHM: I See You and Want You to Know These 8 Things
5 Quotes That Will Encourage You, Working (Super) Mom

Don’t miss these popular articles:Tired? Overwhelmed? 4 Guilt-Free Reasons to Say “No”
This Is Why Choosing Life Was Hard
4 Reasons Why Being Selfish Is Best for Everyone
When a Strong Woman Is Quitting, But Not FailingHow to Have Your Own Coffee + Bible Time***These Faith-Based Podcasts Will Encourage Every Mom

gritandgracelife***

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Rest Easy Moms, Here Are the Things That Matter – 102!

I always find encouragement when I hear other women share her real stuff.

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X56FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint56SHARESRoad trips. If you’ve ever been on one, you know they can be one of life’s greatest adventures. They can also be one of life’s greatest frustrations.

My husband and I were each raised in ‘road trip’ families. Destination? Has to be by car. Planes weren’t an option since neither of us were raised with excess funds for those things. In my family, we got shoved in our white Chevy station wagon (with a really sweet red racing stripe on the side that my dad was geeked about), fighting over who would get to sit in the back facing the rear.

Seatbelts? Optional. McDonald’s for lunch? Nope, here’s your three-day-old PB&J sandwich smashed to oblivion in a baggy that may or may not have had apples or ice on top, making it soggy. Hot? Roll down the window. Bored? Look out the window. Can’t hear the radio? Tough luck. Motion sick? Here’s a shopping bag that hopefully doesn’t have holes in the bottom. Potty break? Nope, here’s the kiddy toilet for you… don’t splash.

It was a time of simplicity and chaos, making the adventure all the more… ahem… adventurous.

Carrying On the Family Road Trip TraditionFast forward 25 years, and my husband and I unknowingly made similar memories for our children. While the vehicles have changed, as have the safety protocols (thankfully), we also pinched pennies to take our kids on adventures and experiences. We’ve upgraded from PB&Js to crackers and cheese or Pop-Tarts, we stop to use the bathroom regularly because the mom in our house can’t hold it very long (don’t judge). Radio issues? Here’s your headphones. Bored? Here’s your tablet.

My husband and I are now empty-nesters living in Michigan, and one of the things we’ve done since this glorious stage of life began a few years ago is take regular road trips. We have trekked via car to Nevada, Utah, Arizona (barely, but we did it), the Smoky Mountains, Georgia, Washington D.C., and have plans for additional road trips. Yes, we like to fly and do it when possible, but there is something almost religious about traveling in a car, taking in the sights and sounds of our country.

But here’s the thing—we are not the same type of traveler. I’m not sure where we diverged on this, but I have completely different expectations when traveling now than he does. When our kids were younger there was a camaraderie in our travel. We had to be unified or all hell broke loose with the kids. It’s like they could sense our dysfunction!

On our most recent trip, I decided to keep a journal of my annoyances and observations. Keep in mind, he probably has a longer list, just not one he was petty enough to write down. Ahh, marriage.

So, here ya go—road trip revelations.

Traveling with My Husband: Road Trip Revelations1. Me: “The speed limit is 55mph.” (He’s going 70ish on a curvy mountain road.)
Him: “That’s just a suggestion.”

2. Curvy roads are a challenge to be accepted at full speed and not ignored.

3. When passing another vehicle, the look of solidarity between the two front seat passengers as their partner pretends to drive “safely” through the mountains. Both passengers are simultaneously holding on to the ‘oh, crap” handle, as well.

4. Me wearing joggers and three shirts and a blanket because the temp is 63 degrees for “comfort.”

5. Line of cars in front of us all braking.
Him: Keeps accelerating, then hits the brakes hard. Acts surprised that I am vocally and physically annoyed.
Him: “What?!? I didn’t hit anything.”
Does this on repeat for the entire road trip with intermittent periods of the silent treatment.

6. Why yes, Google Maps, we’d love to take the “alternate” route that adds 1 hour and 24 minutes to our trip. (What?!)

7. Me: Calls mechanic when returning home because “brakes are acting weird.” Happens after every single trip. Weird.

8. Me: Plans out all the bathroom breaks because I can’t not drink my soda and all the other stuff as we travel.
Him: Whips into the nearest rest stop last second.

I do my share of the driving on road trips. These are annoyances from the passenger seat. And know this—there is no one else I’d rather road trip with. This man tolerates my nuances and ADHD better than anyone I’ve ever known. I’d just like to not have to put my foot on the fake brake once in my road tripping experience.

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Need some ideas for a summer road trip? Listen to this podcast episode for some underrated locales: 17 Summer Vacation Destinations the Whole Family Will Love – 240

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X6FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint7SHARESI walked across the stage at my college graduation, ready to take on the world. I knew I had an excellent “foot in the door” at ESPN from working as a logger for SportsCenter on Saturdays during my last semester at school. However, I had not yet received an offer for a full-time position as I donned my tassel and robe, and little did I know it would be two years before that offer came through.

Unfortunately for my fellow graduates and me, the end of our college tenure came right as the market had plummeted, and ESPN’s parent company, Disney, had established a two-year hiring freeze for all of their companies, ESPN included. The job market was seemingly frozen in place, with employees scared to leave their current positions across industries nationwide.

Aside from the fortunate few who do not have to worry about the prospect of procuring employment in order to earn a living, most of us have had to explore the process of job hunting.

Whether you are a first-time job hunter or a seasoned pavement-pounder, there are a few things you can do in order to find your dream job.

4 Tips for Securing Your Dream Job1. Update your resume.
This might seem like a no-brainer when you want to find your dream job, but I have something a little different in mind.

For beginners, I find it best to tailor your resume to highlight more of your personality traits and work ethic that coincide with the industry you are trying to break into. For example, if you are fresh out of college and only have bartending experience and want to work in the marketing industry, chances are that you don’t have a ton of experience in marketing so far, but what you do have is hospitality experience working directly to create customer satisfaction.

So, as one of your job responsibilities for bartending, you might list “Attentive to customer wants and needs to optimize consumer experience in our establishment.” This attentiveness directly correlates to monitoring consumer trends to help build your brand to your target audience.

Simply by wording your experience in the right way to reach the industry you are trying to work for will bridge the gap that might be in place between industries. This “wording” also works for those who are seasoned patrons of the workforce. For those who have two or three jobs listed on your resume, it’s always good to go back and refresh some of your old responsibilities to eliminate repetition and give you a chance to cater your profile to the job you are after.

2. Join LinkedIn.
While Facebook might rule the friend-to-friend network, LinkedIn is king of the business networking world, connecting professionals, businesses, ideas, and industries. Not only do recruiters scour this resource looking for potential hires and acquisitions on behalf of their clients, this website has now become one of the most central locations for finding jobs, creating business opportunities amongst fellow industry leaders, and simple professional networking.

Boosting your presence on this site can only help create opportunities for learning, employment, and network growth. Which leads us to No. 3…

3. Reach out to your network.
Before social networking really took off, people were networking the old-fashioned ways, like calling former colleagues, meeting fellow industry workers out for a cocktail to discuss strategies, or simply stopping by their office. Though the landscape is changing and going digital for the most part, there is still something to be said for reaching out personally, and not through a social media website.

Recently when considered for a position, I knew I would be up against some tough competition and would need all the firepower I could get. I immediately reached out by phone to see if four of my most trusted colleagues and mentors would mind writing a recommendation letter on my behalf. This personal touch makes a big difference and truly will end up helping you in the long run!

You’d be surprised what kind of connections exist that you don’t know about. For example, it just so happened that one of my confidants is close to a 15-year veteran employee of the company that I’m trying to get a job with. He is placing a special call on my behalf, and nine times out of 10, that personal connection to someone within the company will get you an interview.

4. Think outside of the box.
Starting over at a new company is always an exciting thing, even if the reason for this change is unwelcome, like getting fired, laid-off, or relocating. There is something promising about a new door, a new opportunity. When I begin the job hunt for the next opportunity I always try to ask myself the familiar old question, “Where do I see myself in 5 years?” Not because I’m prepping to answer that question from a potential employer in an interview. No; I do it because I need to reflect.

As I prepare to re-enter the working world after maternity leave and I look for jobs, it dawned on me that I’m sick and tired of making an “OK” salary while working like someone who deserves six figures. With this notion of better pay in mind, I have decided that while I look for a job I’m going to continue my education so that I can earn a better salary.

Maybe you are ready for some additional adult learning that can really help you have an edge in your industry and drive your salary higher. Perhaps you are sick and tired of the industry you are in altogether and are daring to deviate from the corporate world. Regardless of your reasons why, when looking for new opportunities, it is the perfect time to think outside of the box.

Searching for jobs is never an “easy” thing to do. You are likely going to have to give it all the grit you’ve got and not forgive to give yourself a little grace if it takes longer than you had hoped. Remember, “sometimes rejection is the Good Lord’s protection,” meaning, if you don’t give the first job that comes along—or even the second or third—there will be something better down the line. In the meantime, use these 4 tasks to keep you busy while you hunt and give yourself the best leg up. I wish you great luck in the search to come!

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint‘Danielle’ asked:This is less a question and more so information-seeking. My biological dad passed away in a tragic drowning accident 28ish years ago when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me. I recently started therapy for unrelated reasons, but discovered in the process that my dad’s passing is a huge source of emotion for me. The problem is, I can’t find other people like me who lost a parent they never even knew. My therapist hasn’t met anyone like me either, so we’re trying to figure out what would even be helpful for me, because I don’t know what I’m feeling or why.

Have you interacted with adult children of fathers who died when they were in utero? Do you have any advice for where to find a community of similar individuals?

Dr. Zoe answered:I once had a client whose biological father died in a tragic motorcycle accident when she was still in utero. It’s interesting how much her pain at never having known her father was a source of much of our work together.

Loss and grief are so interesting. The thing I have learned about loss is that we aren’t grieving what was—we are grieving what will never be.

So, it makes complete sense that you have grief regarding a man you have never met. You have been grieving your whole life because he has never been. Every future moment you have ever imagined is one without a biological father.

Additionally, I imagine that must have been a traumatic time in your mother’s life. Science now understands that trauma can be passed down physiologically in utero. That is something your body may have had to contend with as you were developing.

Likely, because you never knew him, you and others may not have acknowledged this grief and so your current work is to acknowledge it and continue to process it with your therapist.

I don’t know of any communities of those whose parents died when they were in utero, but I would encourage you to start one. Social media and Google can be wonderful vehicles for niche groups of people to find each other.

Sometimes, just calling loss and grief what it is can be enough to begin to facilitate healing. I’m glad you have gotten into therapy and are uncovering this work. Keep going.

You’ve got this!

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Are you itching for a vacation? Maybe the chilliness of winter has dragged on a hair too long and cabin fever has set in. If you’re nodding along saying, “YES,” then you’ll want to tune into episode 240 of This Grit and Grace Life podcast.

In this episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender share 17 summer vacation destinations around the United States that you may have never considered visiting before but will be glad to have experienced. They list recommendations for kids and adults alike that span every corner of the nation (Washington, Kentucky, Florida, Massachusetts, California, Texas, Ohio) and every interest: music, cars, space, U.S. history (the good and the bad), faith, art and more.

Let this episode be the final push you need to book that flight and make memories that will last a lifetime.

Quote of the episode:

“Wouldn’t you rather like to have a lot of stories to tell, memories that were made, than a full bank account?” —Darlene Brock

ResourcesMentioned

• Making Music magazine

Related

• 9 Trips to Travel More and Spend Less
• Simple Guidelines for Traveling with Kids and How to Enjoy It
• 10 Packing Tips When You Need to Travel Light

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X20FacebookLinkedIn6PinterestPrint26SHARESOver the years, I have been a part of several groups of women: organizations, study groups, gatherings of friends, etc. Recently, I was sitting in the audience of one such group when a mom of two stood up to share a bit about herself and her family. She mentioned she used to be a softball catcher and a trombone player and received her master’s at UF.

And here she was, a stay-at-home mom with two small children whom she is currently homeschooling. That, plus her quiet disposition and love of motherhood, had pegged her in my mind as someone who must have grown up thinking that’s what she aspired to be. She was the second woman that week who surprised me with her unlikely background.

This got me thinking, who were we before we held the titles currently given to us? The words “wife,” “mom,” “teacher,” “accountant,” or “(insert profession or hobby here)” are definitely part of who we are, but they’re not all of who we are. We are intricate, complicated creatures with interests, passions, and histories that have shaped us into the person we are today. The problem is, with all the time that our titles demand from us, we have a tendency to forget those details.

Don’t Lose You in MotherhoodThe year I was in the Florida Keys for my sister’s wedding was the perfect occasion to jog my memory of the details that comprise who I am. My husband and I had the opportunity to go on a date night, so I wanted to get a scooter and see Key West. As I rode with my arms around my man and the wind in my hair, I felt a mixture of confidence, freedom, and gratitude for the reminder that I am more than a meal-maker, laundry-folder, and diaper-changer.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled and proud to have the role of mom, but that wasn’t who I always was and it isn’t who I’m always going to be. It’s good to remember that somewhere way down beneath the to-do lists, grocery runs, and fatigue that you are still in there!

The salt on my skin and the sense of adventure I felt that night reminded me that at one time, I was a free spirit who had backpacked through Europe and scooted around the cliffs of Greece. As I walked hand in hand along the moon-basked shore with my husband, it reminded us that there was an “us” before kids and if we take the time to nurture that, there will be an “us” after them as well.

Our current titles are definitely part of who we are, but they’re not all of who we are.

Start Asking This QuestionIf you want something fun to bring up in a conversation this week, ask someone, “Who were you before?” Since implementing that question, I have discovered a refugee from Colombia, a former CEO who now has six children, a former journalist, a former street punk who used to proudly don a red Mohawk, a former river raft guide, and a Crossfit champion. Not one of these would I have ever guessed by looking at them or even knowing them on a surface level.

You will be delighted and intrigued by the answer you receive when you ask a woman about the time before her current role. She will most likely be delighted to be asked about something other than sleep schedules and sippy cups. It will help you not to box that person whom you think you know so well, and it will remind you not to box yourself in either! There’s a lot to learn about the woman you used to be.

Each of us has exerted grit and experienced grace throughout our lives. It’s our joy as women to share those moments with one another—reminding ourselves of who we are, what we’ve accomplished, and the memories we hold dear.

Click to read this one now.—For more articles on women’s purpose and motherhood, start here:Dear SAHM: I See You and Want You to Know These 8 Things
Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Find Time to Enjoy Life?
*4 Reasons Why Being Selfish Is Best for Everyone
What My Faith Says About My Purpose*

Don’t miss these popular articles for the strong woman:3 Ways Positive Self-Talk Can Improve Your Life
This Is Why I’m so Glad I Gave up on the “Perfect Body”
Do You Have to Break the Glass Ceiling to Be Strong?
5 Fresh Ways to Work on Your Marriage (When He Isn’t)

Struggling to remember who you are? Don’t miss this episode of our podcast How Do I Know What Defines Me? – 078

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X8FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint8SHARESWhether it’s from high school or college, graduation can be an exciting time full of anticipation, nerves and new beginnings. Life changes and knowing you have family and friends in your corner for those changes can make all the difference.

If you have a graduating loved one in your life, check out these ideas to bless them during this time.

20 Graduate GiftsFor the Practical Graduate

Victorinox Swiss Card1. Victorinox Swiss Card
For anyone who might need a pair of scissors, nail file, ruler or tweezers in a pinch but doesn’t want to carry a knife in their pocket, this card is easy to slide into a wallet or purse and will help in your time of (practical) need.

1. Apple AirTags
   For the one prone to losing their keys, wallet, purse, backpack, an air tag will help keep track of valuables.

2. Portable Phone Charger
   For all of us—you can never have too many chargers because when you need one, you never seem to have one.

L.L. Bean tote4. L.L. Bean Tote Bag
For anyone with a walking commute to class, work, etc., this tote will last forever, hold all the things, and come in handy for years to come.

1. Magnetic Scrabble Board
   For the one with roommates, this fun fridge scrabble board will be a way to connect despite different schedules.

2. Scrunchies with Hidden Pocket
   For the girlie who hikes, runs or frequents concerts, a scrunchie with a hidden pocket is the perfect size for your house key, some cash, or chapstick.

For the Ultimate Fan

1. Custom NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB or College Team Cup
   For the ultimate fan of any sport—collegiate or professional—this insulated cup will surely be a hit. You can even customize it with your graduate’s name.

Glass Cup with University or College Customization (Pictured: AmazingFaithDesigns on Etsy)8. Glass Cup with University or College Customization
For the high school graduate on their way to university or the college graduate who isn’t quite ready to leave, this university-themed glass cup will imbue them with school spirit.

1. Print of the State of New Home/Alma Mater
   For unique dorm-room decor or in memory of their alma mater, this cool state print is a conversation starter and will be a beloved piece of art for a long time.

For Those Who Like to Accessorize

1. New Mercies Necklace
   For the young lady graduate to remember that The Lord is close and His mercies are new every morning.

2. Monogrammed Clutch
   For the monogram queen, this cute and functional clutch will be the perfect accessory to any going-out outfit.

For the Bookworm

1. New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp
   For the person wanting to dive a little deeper with a daily devotional, especially if they’re just venturing out into a whole new world on their own.

Liturgies for Hope book13. Liturgies for Hope: Sixty Prayers for the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between by Audrey Elledge & Elizabeth Moore
For anyone who wants to bring prayer into the everyday, this book of liturgies will help us see God’s presence in all parts of life.

1. Surviving Religion 101 by Michael Kruger
   For the student who grew up in the church and will now be entering an arena where their faith is challenged, this book will address common objections to the faith.

2. Welcome to Adulting: Navigating Faith, Friendship, Finances and the Future by Jonathan Pokluda
   For the young adult who might need some directional guidance on the choices they will have to make.

3. The Next Right Thing: A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions by Emily P. Freeman
   For anyone who struggles with making decisions, this is a helpful guide to making the right choices from day to day.

4. The Lazy Genius Way: Embrace What Matters, Ditch What Doesn’t, and Get Stuff Done by Kendra Adachi
   For the person who is looking for practical ways to simplify their life.

Bible highlighters18. Bible Highlighters
For the theologist or student of the Bible, these highlighters are gentle and won’t seep through thin Bible pages.

1. Scripture Engraved Leather Bookmark
   For any reader, this bookmark will be a constant encouragement of truth.

For the Learner…

1. A Year-Long Subscription to MasterClass ($120 for 12 months)
   For the lifelong learner, a subscription to MasterClass would make a wonderful gift. MasterClass offers online courses in different skills, subject matters and levels taught by world renowned names: Gordon Ramsey, Coach K, Amy Poehler, Alicia Keys, Sarah Blakely, Simone Biles, Jane Goodall, and Steph Curry—to name a few.

Photo by RDNE Stock project

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X44FacebookLinkedIn18PinterestPrint62SHARESDefining Grace

Grace is the anchor of our faith, the reason for the confidence we have in a God of mercy. It’s what is extended to us through a relationship with God established by the sacrifice of Christ. When we accept it from our Creator, it seems it should be such an easy thing to extend because he does it so magnificently. But for us to live our lives offering the same grace to others is anything but an easy task.

Living a life of grace is very often misinterpreted. Some believe it’s an indicator of weakness. In the eyes of many, extending the truest form of grace, which is forgiveness, means giving up. Others believe grace is automatic and easy to show. Quite the contrary—living a life of grace takes an enormous amount of strength and a boatload of tenacity.

“Living a life of grace takes an enormous amount of strength and a boatload of tenacity.” Darlene Brock

Deciding Whether or Not to Choose Grace

When you find yourself faced with a choice to walk away and give up or to offer grace to another even when undeserved, as was extended to us, there are five things you must be willing to do.

1. Invite God into it. You have been hurt, and you’re likely still hurting—which makes forgiveness complicated. Sometimes we feel as though extending forgiveness invalidates our pain. Quite the contrary; even if we do show grace, our pain still matters to God. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Follow us on Instagram!2. Deal honestly. It doesn’t require forgetting, excusing, or ignoring the problem. Discuss the conflict. Remember that listening, as well as speaking, is essential. “For the one who has caused me grief has not only grieved me but, to some extent, has caused you all grief as well. I believe that your united rebuke has been punishment enough for him. Instead of more punishment, what he needs most is your encouragement through your gracious display of forgiveness. I beg you to reaffirm your deep love for him.” 2 Corinthians 2:5-8 TPT

3. Make a choice. Grace is extended decisively; we are encouraged to do so by the God who gave it to us. This takes strength we may feel we don’t have, but the choice is ours to make. “Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” Ephesians 4:2 NLT

4. Leave the past behind. It’s not real grace (forgiveness) if you don’t let go of what was.“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:13-14 NLT

5. Build the future. Move forward in the relationship, not to accept repeat offenses but to offer a fresh start.

Every action that extends grace must be clothed in strength and ladled with determination and endurance. This type of grace is the beginning and end of our faith. It is most certainly one of the lovely traits that create a woman’s real beauty and strength.

—For more articles on grace and forgiveness, start here:Why You Should Just Have That Hard Conversation (And How to Do It)
Can You Forgive When There’s No Apology?
5 Tips for Mending Fences
Ask Dr. Zoe – My Boyfriend Has Hurt Me, Should I Forgive Him?

Don’t miss these popular articles:Are You Fighting for Your Marriage? These Resources Can Help
These 2 Nurses Told Us What Makes Them Feel AppreciatedSkillet’s Korey Cooper Talks Music, Faith, and Family
6 Relatable Mom Moments That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Want to Be in Style? Spreading Kindness Is Always Beautiful
9 Simple and Unexpected Tips to Relieve Stress
#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace?

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X22FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint22SHARESNo one had to teach me how to rest. In fact, I could be a professional relaxer (if you happen to hear of any opportunities in this field, please hook a sister up). I’m a beach aficionado and I thrive on Saturday mornings with no alarm and no schedule, just the people, places, and things that fill me up. If only the entire week was made up of Saturdays and Sundays… But there are five other days, and they consist of nearly the exact opposite happenings—work, hustle, errands, lists, spreadsheets, computer screens, phone calls. Are you feeling tired yet?

I’m new to the full-time workforce. This will be my first year ever without a summer break (shed a tear for me). While transitioning from free time to full-time, I’m feeling pretty exhausted by the end of the work day. Even when my body finally reaches blissful stillness on the couch, the hamster in my brain is oftentimes still running its wheel, and it becomes irritatingly squeaky.

Resting our bodies is essential and shut-eye can naturally quiet our minds, but what if we could just have a little more peace during the day? So much so that at the end of the work day we have the ability to love ourselves and others properly, regardless of our crazy day. Peace and rest should not be confined to beds and living rooms after 5 p.m.; they should inhabit our spirit. A mind that finds treasured ease and steadiness functions—thrives, rather—in all the positions it has been purposefully placed in and has mental energy to put toward the people and things they value most, even when fresh mascara seems to morph into ten pound weights on our eyelids.

Even when my body finally reaches blissful stillness on the couch, the hamster in my brain is oftentimes still running its wheel, and it becomes irritatingly squeaky.

Though we can’t change our circumstances or the nature of our jobs, I have found a few, simple practices that bring mental rest even on the most draining of days—the kind that calls for a TV binge and eating out (even though I took the chicken out of the freezer this morning). When I implement these small tweaks to my day, I find that the hustle can be embraced—and even enjoyed—and the 8 to 5 daily grind can end in arriving at home with enough energy to enjoy life-giving, restorative activities with husband and/or friends.

5 Ways to Refresh When You’re Exhausted from Work1. Wake up just a little bit earlier.

This is coming from a lover of sleep and anti-morning person. On the mornings that I do wake up ten minutes earlier to shower, I feel so much more awake before the espresso even gets scooped out of the tin. Plus, makeup feels so much better on refreshed skin and your hair could still be intact for night-time outings.

2. Seize your commute.

Using silent times of getting ready, driving, waiting to clock in, and driving home wisely adds value to our minds. Listen to music, read an inspirational article, reflect on what matters most and what you are thankful for. This sets the tone for the day and gives us something fresh and good to hold onto during the hard moments.

3. Stop between tasks.

Even if you can only grab 60 seconds, clean up your workspace before moving on to the next thing. Take some time to look away from the screens and lists. Eat a snack and drink some water. Look at the photos of the ones you love—print some if you don’t have any! Regroup your swirling thoughts and…

4. Write it out.

Write down your thoughts in the back of your notebook or planner to get them out of your head. Putting your feelings, troubles, and even successes onto paper can make room for some refreshment. In time, it will also become easier to understand yourself and what you need in trying moments.

5. Eat lunch out of your office.

If at all possible, get out of your office and go outside (I eat lunch in my car if that’s my only option). Nourishing food changes how I work during the typical post-lunch blues (is it 5 yet?). The time I take to ponder anything NOT work-related tends to realign my mind and creates mental rest in that short hour. Extra: Packing your lunch or snacks frees up time, money, and usually calories!

If Nothing Else, Find Rest In These Truths:-You can add beauty and value to your work place, no matter your career or position, simply because you are you.

–You have a beautiful purpose, even if you can’t see it. We can trust (which is really a form of mental rest) that we will produce something amazing in our labor, or our labor will produce something amazing in us.

-You may not like your job sometimes, but at all times you can appreciate it. I don’t want to pull the “there are starving kids in Africa” card but… It’s happening. The fact that we can work to provide or be provided for is always something to be thankful for because, frankly, having a job is not nearly everyone’s reality.

The big picture matters—and so does the little one. The often annoying, mundane details are necessary to make the big picture happen. So find a big-picture perspective of why you’re working your job and embrace all of the little pictures along the way, knowing that they are the required steps that lead to the end goal.

Work doesn’t have to be all grit… So why not try applying a little bit of grace along the way and see what happens?

—
If anxiety has creeped in along with the exhaustion, we hope this video from one of our writers helps you find some hope:

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X72FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint72SHARESWhen I was growing up, the family joke was that my parents would be able to identify me by my palm (because as a teen I would ask for money with my hand open). Now, we can say we can identify our children by the tops of their heads bent over their phones.

Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed they are only half paying attention to you and are staring intently at their phones? If you have a teenager, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. The person is focused on their device while ignoring you—a person in close contact with them.

Welcome to the season of phubbing. Phubbing is defined as “the act of ignoring someone you are with and giving attention to your cell phone instead” according to the Cambridge Dictionary.

Teen Phubbing Is Rampant—And It Damages RelationshipsAs summer draws closer the children are home from school, missing their friends, trying to make plans amongst themselves, and keeping current through socials so they don’t miss anything important. All the while, they are missing the people around them.

Recently I watched a teen at a track meet, staring intently at his phone almost the entire time we were there (hours) minus the five minutes of his actual event. What could he be doing on there for that long in public? I noticed that when the other kids tried to interact with him, he blatantly ignored them while he staring at his phone. This kid was a master phubber.

Phubbing is hurting our relationships, mental health, and our eyes! When you are ignoring others who are physically with you, you may as well be alone. The loneliness that Gen Z feels has become overwhelming, especially since the pandemic. The other generations don’t want to see you phubbing them either (and Gen Z is not the only culprit).

What happened to doing real life together with people? We were created for community, not for staring at a screen.

Studies dating back to before 2017 show that phubbing was becoming a phenomenon. It’s not something new, but it does appear to be getting worse. Simply go to a restaurant and look around at the people eating. More often than not, at least half are on their phones.

Recently while my husband and I were on a date night, I watched a family (parents and kids) all sit on their phones their entire meal and only looked up when the son asked for the ketchup bottle. This observation made me sad for people. I don’t get out much and don’t have a lot of outside interaction in real life with people due to several factors. When I witness these things, it’s hard to understand why people would choose their phone over real people.

The Institute for Family Studies conducted a small study of 143 adults in the United States, the study concluded that 46% reported experiencing phubbing with their partner and 23% stated it was problematic in their relationship. I admit I’m guilty of phubbing my spouse at times, and I’ve been phubbed by others, but I want to be different.

I want to lead my children by example and not be the family that was in the same physical space but everyone was looking at their phone. Yes, I understand we all can’t be totally off our phones always. Emergencies arise, kids are driving, and parents are aging. I get all those things, but we all can be more attentive to the ones that we are with.

Here are four ways to combat phubbing this summer.

4 Fixes for Teen Phubbing1. Put phones away at meal times and afterward.

Our family is multigenerational and we eat as a family each night. I’ve started leaving my phone on the counter—not in my pocket or on the table. Out-of-sight, out-of-mind thinking so I can enjoy the company and conversation with my family. They won’t always be around for us to enjoy their company, and they have some fascinating stories to tell about their own lives.

After dinner, we started playing a board game like Bananagrams each night to interact with one another, keeping the phones and televisions off. My grandfather is alone most of the day minus meals, and this gives him time to interact and socialize, plus it gives everyone a little mind work.

2. Limit the time that they are on devices.

Parents and grandparents have to make rules that are to be followed. Kids (and adults for that matter) don’t need to be constantly connected. Technology has blessed us with the beauty of being constantly connected, but at the same time, is there something as being too connected?

Our son has a limit on the amount of time he has on social media sites (parents—you can set this up in control settings, and there are apps to help curb social media use). As the summer approaches, set an expectation and stick to it. They are allowed on their phones/devices at certain times and that’s it.

3. Have real conversations with your kids, learn a new skill, read a book, or just enjoy spending time together.

Ever received those one-word responses from your child because they weren’t paying attention to you? Have you tried to have a conversation with a teenager recently? The mumbles and the one-word responses show our kids aren’t skilled in social interaction in person. At some point, they may need to be able to converse with someone. If we can help them learn to interact with others in person, we may be able to help offset some of the feelings of loneliness that people seem to be experiencing.

4. Stop watching people live and start living.

Go out and experience things and places together. Maybe you enjoy cooking or would at least try it, instead of watching other people do it. Join a cooking class or invite someone to make dinner with you one night. Stop watching other people live their lives on your phone and start living yours. Embrace new things and explore new places, even if it’s just a new park in your neighborhood. Get outside and enjoy spending time with the people around you and the places available to you.

What would our families look like if we stopped drowning them out and started talking to them? Can we change the phubbing phenomenon and start having conversations in real life? Can we start doing life with one another?

Please start listening intently to the ones around you. You never know what you may find out that you would have otherwise missed. As summer approaches, I am talking with my spouse about ground rules for technology that we can present to our kids. I want to be a part of their lives, not just a quick text away. I want to have real conversations and be able to enjoy and interact with those around me while living and experiencing things. I’m hanging up my phone so I can connect with the people right in front of me.

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Putting your phone to the side lets you truly experience life. Listen to this podcast episode for other ways to enjoy the present: Making the Most of Life – 236

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X14FacebookLinkedIn4PinterestPrint18SHARESI wish I could take back the words—the silent unconscious tape that plays endlessly in my mind. Push each syllable, every consonant, backward, and hide them from my conscious thought. Unfortunately, they have been spoken. The recording has been played and repeated. Words are powerful, and their power has taken up residence in the tender parts of my heart.

I do not fully understand how it happened, but at some point in my journey, I became convinced that each negative, shame-filled comment was true. I began to wrestle with the woman that gazed at me in the hallway mirror. She had plans, convinced she was made for a purpose, an image of her Father. Yet, I settled for the false truths inspired by the relentless repeating comments.

Words Are Powerful—Especially Those We Tell OurselvesAs young girls, we encounter life with a naïve fearlessness, confident in our uniqueness and individual beauty. Then the pre-teen years hit and the messaging of what we are supposed to be shifts. We are no longer encouraged to be fearless or unique. Culture starts to ravage our value and worth, one small comment, word, or thought at a time.

Our social media feeds consume our perceptions as young women. The responses either inflate our egos or blow up our self-esteem. Each thought, every reply becomes far more important than discovering the truth and lingering in its freedom. If left unchecked, we become obsessed with our appearance, careers, significance, and possessions rather than living life in courageous authenticity.

By the time we become adults, we have grown accustomed to carrying the lies we have created, those we have unintentionally adopted, and those imposed on us. We feed them with our inattentiveness and wonder why we feel detached from ourselves, those we love, and the God who created us.

Society tries to tell us what to think and how to behave. It presents unattainable goals and we struggle to meet the mark. Nonetheless, the tape in our heads continues to gain authority over our minds and we remain blinded to the destruction it is causing to our souls.

How Do We Stop the Lies?So how do we silence the endless chatter? How do we live unencumbered by societal pressure and our homegrown deception? How do we change our thinking?

I believe it is a slow, step-by-step journey. It requires us to humbly surrender to God and allow His merciful intervention to change us. Given time, our distortions will be replaced by God’s truth.

John Stange, author of Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: With the Truth of the Gospel, puts it this way, “Is your mind set on things that are above, or are you still keeping yourself entrenched in the very things Jesus rescued you from?”

I would be so bold as to rephrase it this way: Is your thinking keeping you so burdened in the past that you cannot see that Jesus died for your freedom today and in the future?

There is no bondage, no mental recording, that God cannot provide a way out.

Freedom Comes When We…Recognize the Words
“Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.” Proverbs 4:23

Recognition, in many ways, is the hardest step. We have to be real with ourselves and acknowledge the destructive conversations that go on in the solitude of our minds.

The next time the recording begins to play, stop and listen. Do not allow shame or guilt to enter the scene. Rather, acknowledge that words are powerful and draw awareness to the ones you’re saying to yourself. Perhaps take a few minutes to consider the following questions.

—What prompted the mental discussion?
—What was your emotional response?
—Are the words true or false?

This simple examination will help you identify patterns associated with your negative dialogue.

Stop the Tape
“For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

Once you recognize you have a false dialogue rattling around in your brain, it will be time to do the hard work: stop the tape and “take every thought captive.”

So how do you make it stop? First, admit that you have collected distortions throughout your life. Then, recognize the words for what they are—lies. They do not represent how God views you nor do they dictate who you are. They are tools Satan uses to keep you defeated and broken. Finally, pray. Ask God for the strength to stop clinging to the comfort of your distorted past, to calm your mind, to change the way you think.

Replace the Lies with God’s Truth
“Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right…Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about it.” Philippians 4:8b

Once you have turned off the tape and you have stopped letting deception rule you, then you are ready to walk in the truth.

Psalms 139 tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully” made and Genesis 1 reminds us that we are created “in his (God’s) own image.” These truths have the power to transform our thought life, shifting it from incriminating to inspiring.

To help us replace the lies with God’s truth, consider:

Reading your Bible consistently helps you make this shift from convicting to encouraging. To know the truth we need to know God’s Word, because that’s how we begin to hear his voice and understand his heart. A consistent study of the Scripture is a necessary tool in undoing the lies we believe, because it tells us the truth.

Prayer is our mightiest weapon. Prayer is simply talking with God. You can be painfully authentic with your Father; after all, He created you and knows you intimately. Spend time daily talking with God, praising Him, sharing your needs, and confessing your sins.

REFOCUS

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

Let us be honest, we are all human and there will be times when the old tape tries to play. When that happens, be ready to REFOCUS: Redirect Every Falsehood Toward Christ’s Unwarranted Sovereignty.

Capture each lie, every negative thought, and all the words that work to condemn or criticize you and turn towards the cross of Jesus. You can confidentially leave them at His feet and walk away in His freedom. Remember, His sacrifice defines you. His love gives you value and purpose. His words are powerful, because they provide light for our life.

I will be honest; I still struggle with a tape that plays relentlessly in my mind. However, I am learning to recognize the lies and hold fast to God’s truth. I hope you find the courage to let go of all the words that hold you captive and I pray you will allow yourself to rest in the freedom that is Christ.

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2

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Do you struggle with discerning who you are because of all the voices you hear around you? Instead of conforming to the painful or untrue image others might place on you, listen to what God has to say. Incorporate His love and truth into your self-talk:

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XFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintOn Saturday, May 11th, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender, along with Grit and Grace Writer Amanda-Lee Pitzer, will be Running the Race with Grit and Grace in Middletown, Ohio. No, they aren’t running exactly; they are joining Chosen, the women’s ministry of Berachah Church, to share wisdom, laughter, and fun as we celebrate This Grit and Grace Life together.

Doors open at 9:00 for check-in, light refreshments and shopping. The event begins at 10:00 and ends by 3:30. It includes brunch, shopping, and main and breakout sessions that will encourage you in all aspects of life.

You get to pick two breakout sessions as well as the main events, and they include:

• Marriage—Building it Stronger. If you feel your marriage is steady and in a healthy place but want to keep it that way, this session will offer steps and understanding to strengthen and make it more resilient so that healthy relationships can meet and conquer each season of life.
• Marriage—When it Gets Bumpy. Perhaps you’ve had a few struggles—little ones where you cannot connect and see eye to eye, Or struggles that feel as if the chasm is too great to overcome. Even though we realize there are no guarantees, this session will offer encouragement, hope, and real-life how-tos, helping you as you seek to create the relationship you hoped for on the day you said, “I do.”
• Motherhood—The Early Years. Littles are exhausting. From the moment they enter your home through elementary school, you will experience delight, challenges, roadblocks, and a full-steam-ahead life. Juggling everything can leave an exhausted mom wondering how to do this. This session will offer hope with insights that all you put into this life season is worth it.
• Motherhood—Teen to Adult. Those kids cuddling you at three are growing up and changing. They have their way of thinking that may feel confounding at times. This session helps you navigate these transitional years, offering hope for a healthy, loving relationship through these many life changes.
• Self-Worth—Am I Enough? Is this a question you have asked yourself in any area of life? When your self-worth becomes battered in relationships, motherhood, beauty, career, or you don’t think you compare. This session will challenge those feelings because God created you to be enough, no matter your circumstances.
• Purpose—Finding Your Purpose in Every Season. Women face a unique challenge because their lives are ever-changing. As we say in our podcast, “From the boardroom to the bedroom, cars to college, being single, married or single again.” In this ever-changing world, we often wonder what our purpose is. This session will help you understand that a purpose exists in every season and how to find it.

So, join us as together we are Running the Race with Grit and Grace!

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X16FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint16SHARES‘Bianca’ asked:Hi Dr. Zoe,

My girlfriend sent me your “when he hasn’t proposed” article and it really gave me some clarity, but I’m still having trouble sorting out my feelings. Because my boyfriend promises we’ll get married but nothing has happened.

In February, it will be my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I’m sad he hasn’t proposed yet, and I have spoken to him more than once. He’s told me he’s making plans and wants to surprise me. I feel like I’ve been hearing that for 6 months.

We’ve lived together for a year and I went through a job loss just after moving in together. He’s fully supported me & my 3 children until recently. I’m so torn because I while I see what he’s done for me & appreciate it, I want to get married. We spend holidays together with our families. My children love him. It’s been 12 years since he’s been married & he was engaged maybe a few years ago.

Am I holding on to false hope?

Dr. Zoe answered:Bianca,

You have three children, so that tells me you are deep into adulting. You have a boyfriend who has also already been married and is deep into adulting. You have been together for long enough for him to know if he wants to marry you or not.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed already. It’s that simple. So, he doesn’t want to marry you. That’s clear. The question is why? Either he has no interest in marrying you at all and is stringing you along (you mentioned he had another engagement years ago) OR he has interest in marrying you, but you are playing wife already and so he has no motivation to marry you because he’s already getting all the benefits. Additionally, he is playing husband and is fully supporting you and your children, so he likely has no fear that he needs to make a greater commitment to avoid losing you.

You are in a conundrum. My best advice is to extricate yourself from this situation. Begin working towards fully supporting yourself and your children and lovingly give him a timeline of no more than 6 months. Let him know clearly that you love him and desire to be his wife, but you also love yourself, and you have a timeline for when you see yourself married, committed, and settled down. You can understand if your timelines don’t match, but if that is the case, you will have to move on.

Only do this if you are willing to do the hard thing of moving on.

To answer your question, you are not holding on to false hope unless you let this continue. If you allow this to continue past another 6 months, you are teaching him clearly that he doesn’t really need to put a ring on your finger.

I know that may have been hard to hear, but it’s difficult to see things clearly when you are in the woods. Clarity is kindness and I wish all the best things for you and your children.

You can do hard things. You’ve got this!

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X154FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint156SHARESI love Sundays. After church I take my son down the street to our favorite farm. He throws on his boots, grabs his horse, and tacks her up. He knows exactly what he is doing and how to do it. He talks to her as he works, adoration in his eyes. Once she is all set, he takes her into the ring, hops on, and begins warming her up with a few laps. The barrels are set up, and he begins walking her through as he reminds her of the task at hand. He comes to a halt, and his instructor steps away and lets him have at it.

Sometimes there is frustration as he drops the wrong hand from the reins and steers her off course, or his horse just decides she doesn’t feel like participating. But even in the frustration at himself or at her, there is joy. “Pleeeeease come on, Tango. Let’s go. I promise next time I’ll bring you sweet tea … just GO!” Or, “Dang it! I keep dropping the wrong hand. Ugh. Let me try again, one more time?” Those little bits of conversation that I hear while I sit outside the ring among the chickens, dogs, and horses are my favorite. He’s not giving up.

I’m in awe of the luxury he has to pick something fun and try it. No expectations. No pressure. No coach mom. Just fun.

Later this week I’ll change locations and sit at the local ice rink to watch my youngest work on his crossovers and swizzles and hockey stops and be just as jealous.

Ice skating isn’t easy. The first time I took him, he spent more time on his butt than he did on his feet. For two hours he kept getting up. I was exhausted just watching him. When he came to me later and decided he wanted to learn how to play hockey, I was skeptical. It’s not your typical sport. You must have so many skating lessons followed by so many hockey lessons before you can even join a team. I was sure he would give up long before we got to the team part. And, did I mention, hockey is super expensive? But as he finishes up skating lessons and moves onto hockey lessons, I’m in awe of his tenacity. He is so proud of himself for getting past stage one.

All of this makes me wonder, when did we, as working women, wives, girlfriends, and mothers decide that we couldn’t do fun things like that for ourselves anymore? When did we decide that we weren’t worth it?

Who Am I?As I approach my first birthday as a single woman, I find myself evaluating my life on so many levels. I always took great pride on being a caretaker. I put all of myself into being the most perfect wife, mother, and employee that I could be. When my husband died, I threw myself into the kids and my career. I planned for the future by going back to school so I could shift career lanes a bit in order to be more flexible and available to my kids. I took pride in juggling it all alone because, even though I didn’t have a choice, I was getting it done. Home-cooked meals and a near-spotless house while being a working mother in grad school was my measure of success. But who was I measuring up to?

When did we, as working women, wives, girlfriends, and mothers decide that we couldn’t do fun things like that for ourselves anymore? When did we decide that we weren’t worth it?

For a long time I never felt like I measured up. I tried and tried but never seemed to do enough to be deemed successful. What even is success? My late husband cheated, so clearly I failed as a wife. When I am ignored at work I feel like a failure. When I discovered that this degree I’m halfway through isn’t going to take me where I thought it would, I was ready to admit defeat.

For so long I have been told that what I wanted to do was a waste of time or wasn’t important, and I now I see how it is affecting my current choices. What was important was for me to be wife, mother, Navy spouse, teacher…but I forgot that it was okay to be more than those titles. Then, when my late husband passed away, some of those titles went away too, and I lost part of what defined me. But I’m coming to realize that those things don’t define who I am, they are simply things I do. They are a part of me, but not all of me. So now…who am I?

Recreating yourself is hard. I don’t know where to begin and I’m so afraid of failing. Sometimes I’m at the farm and I want nothing more than to hop on a horse and barrel race. But then I start thinking, “Really? You’re too old for that. What if you get bucked off and you get hurt?”

I’m fearful when I look at quitting my no-longer-useful degree program and shifting to the doctorate that I need to make my career goals come true. I’m so mad that I got it wrong in the first place that I’m convinced I won’t be able to do it. When I get on the ice for family night, I stay close to the wall so I don’t fall and make a fool of myself. When I think of going skiing over Christmas after not wearing skis since I was 12, I worry.

As I sit here and think of my kids trying and failing and trying something new again, I realize what a hypocrite I am. How dare I tell them to try new things when I am unwilling to try. How dare I tell my students that they will get better if they keep putting in the work, but yet I won’t even start the work.

So yes, I want a hobby. It’s time to figure out who I am again. I may hop on a horse and be a natural racer. Or I may crash and bruise. Either way, I know one thing: God already said who I am.

This Is Who God Says I Am:1. He created me with a purpose. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

2. He says I am valuable. “For the spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.” (Job 33:4)

3. He says I am strong. “You have given me your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great.” (Psalm 18:35)

4. He says I am gifted. “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.” (1 Peter 4:10)

5. He says I am free. “Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.” (Romans 6:14)

6. He says I am his masterpiece. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10)

Now…it’s just time I believe it. There is so much freedom in accepting who I am in Him. No more fear. No more titles. No more failure. I am who He says I am.

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How Do I Know What Defines Me? – 078

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Want to become a strong woman? It may come as a surprise that embarking on this path more to do with leaning into your vulnerabilities and weaknesses—not the areas you excel in.

In this episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss 8 ways that you can begin your journey to becoming a strong woman, even as life's challenges continue. Among these, you'll learn the importance of talking less; why lowering the bar for yourself and others can actually be a good thing; and why choosing to become a strong woman is a decision that must be made daily. Quote of the episode: “Ultimately, strength comes from two major sources: one is your life experience; the other, of course, is a dependence on the God we serve." —Darlene Brock  Resources Related Content: — How Breaking Up Made Me a Strong Woman — Anatomy of a Strong Woman — When a Strong Woman is Quitting but Not Failing — What I Wish I Had Known: The Hard Years Make You Strong — Women’s History Month: Be Inspired By Strong Women of the Past Follow Us on Social Media! Facebook Instagram   Twitter Pinterest

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Being a single mom is challenging, and many times, moms enter this season of life unexpectedly. This was the case for Grit and Grace Life writer Kim Breuninger, who struggled with feeling responsible for her first husband’s happiness as a young married couple with three children. Disagreements weren’t uncommon as Kim tried to find a balance between being an honorable wife and making sacrifices she never expected. Then, during dinner on the night of their 10th anniversary, her husband dropped a bomb that shattered their marriage and suddenly left Kim a single mom. In this podcast episode, Kim sits down with Darlene Brock and Julie Bender to share the challenges she faced raising her three boys in the years after her marriage … If You Feel Alone as a Single Mom, Listen to This with Kim Breuninger – 221 Read More »

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I’ve read so many articles about the veritable “mom salary” over the years, and I’m trying to get my bearings on why this hasn’t gotten any traction. I mean, seriously! We, moms, do it all! I’m not diminishing those hands-on dads or single dads. Just telling a mom-type story. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years when my kids were younger. That was a tough time financially, emotionally, and physically. I went back to work part-time when my youngest was in second grade and full-time when he was in fourth grade. Now he’s in 11th grade, and here’s the deal. The mom’s salary should be real. The last five years of parenting have caused me to be more aware of the … Being a mom—the job that keeps on giving (even though it doesn’t pay) Read More »

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As a child, I didn’t think much about race. I knew I looked different from most of the kids in my elementary school, but I made friends across the spectrum of faces and colors. I lived with an innocence that allowed me to be unburdened by the hue of my skin. I entered junior high with the same naive perspective. But three short years later, my innocence was replaced by a startling awareness that who I was and how I was received by my peers was influenced by my skin color and the texture of my hair. Race had become an entry requirement for social groups and defined my allegiances. My high school was predominately African American with a sprinkling of hispanic, … Longing for a Unified World? Here’s Where to Start Read More »

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Today, Strong women (and those who want to be) possess two significant life pillars. One is grit, which determines that life challenges will not defeat or define us. The other is grace which gives kindness to ourselves and others even when it’s hard. But to do that well, we need to know what we believe. The writers at Grit and Grace Life share 100 things that they have learned you can count on as a woman of grit and grace. 100 Truths for Every Strong Woman: 1. Life’s short—buy the shoes and eat the dessert. 2. This too shall pass. 3. Avoid avoidance. 4. Talk less, say more. 5. Strive for progress, not perfection. 6. When nothing goes right, go left. 7. … 100 Things a Grit and Grace Woman Believes Read More »

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My best friend finally got confirmation of what she had feared for years: Her husband had been cheating. While she suspected it, she never had concrete proof until now. Instead, what she had was a withdrawn husband unless sex was involved. She was always in the wrong whenever there was a disagreement. Whenever she would question something, the gas-lighting began. Verbal and emotional abuse had taken its toll, but when this realization finally came to light, she was at a loss of what to do. While she knew she deserved better, she felt stuck. Stuck in fear of what leaving would look like. Fear of what it would look like to be divorced—again. Fear of what the future may or may not … He Cheated—Now What? Read More »

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Chances are, you probably have a few frogs you need to eat today (or need stop procrastinating). No, I’m not referring to the actual amphibians (though I’m willing to try the supposed delicacy of frog legs) but rather the metaphorical ones that Mark Twain famously referred to when he said, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” What are the frogs exactly, you ask? Simply put, the frogs are the things you don’t want to do, but actually need to do. Now, if you are a woman who tends to put off the hard … Need to Stop Procrastinating? How to Eat Your Frog Read More »

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For some unexplained reason, my husband called all our grandchildren ‘George’ even though they reminded him repeatedly what their names were. These three kiddos loved their grandpa despite the teasing. Or maybe because of it. Grandpa was the one who let them dump out all the Legos and then he’d sit with them on the living room floor building extravagant structures. He was the one who gave wheelbarrow rides when they helped him rake leaves (I’m not sure how much help toddlers are, but still… there were the wheelbarrow rides). And then one day, their beloved grandpa was diagnosed with late-stage disease, and although he lived much longer than expected, he was gone from his grandkids’ lives much sooner than they wanted. … How to Talk to Children About Death Read More »

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Dear Mama, There’s no doubt about it: motherhood isn’t for sissies. As a mom, you are a leader. An advocate. A nurse. A teacher. A mediator. A friend. A vomit-cleaner, diaper-changer, and so much more. Your job requires a steady arsenal of qualities at your disposal: resiliency; stamina; wisdom; grace; compassion; laughter; and, again, so much more. What you don’t need, though, is that inner lethal voice that criticizes you or downright shames you. It’s the voice that tells you that you’re messing up the little lives in your care or that you’re simply not cut out for the job of motherhood. Sometimes, it whispers quietly, and you briefly forget it even exists. On other days, the bully voice screams louder than … Dear Mama, You Need to Break up With These 3 Things Read More »

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Our “baby” of five kids is just two short weeks away from being 21. It occurs to me that even though he’s living with us temporarily and working, he’s for all intents and purposes grown, though maybe not entirely gone. It also occurs to me that it’s the first time since I became a mother 37 years ago that I’ve felt completely free to do exactly as I please with my time every single day. I haven’t had this kind of freedom since, well, ever. After my college years, there was the teaching job and the wedding and the children who began showing up. After three, I was unable to have any more, so we adopted two, mainly because I couldn’t imagine … Empty Nesters, You Have a New Purpose Now Read More »

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My how we love our coffee. Our afternoon lattes. Our morning Joes. Our triple shot, soy, extra whip, hold-the-foam, caramel macchiato espressos. Whatever your drink, however you order it—there’s no doubt that you do. Americans are addicted to their coffee. And not just any coffee, though: I’m talking coffee-shop coffees. Those fancy ones, with the mermaid on the cup? Those, yes; we love them. What started as a social occasion has worked its way into our regular routines. A daily Starbucks habit isn’t even really considered a habit in many circles; it’s just a way of life. Brewing coffee at home isn’t quite as glamorous or even as convenient, and we’ve gotten out of the practice as a whole. The average American, … The Perfect Blended Mocha Recipe That Will Help Save You Money Read More »

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A few years ago I was cleaning out my car and happened upon a still-wrapped straw from a fast-food place. I debated throwing it away, but I ultimately decided to keep it “just in case.” I put the straw in the side pocket of my door and forgot about it. Fast forward to one week later. Essentially on a whim and a prayer, my entrepreneurial father decided to sell eclipse glasses to meet the demand prior to the lunar eclipse. He quickly involved me in the process, which resulted in a handful of people asking to meet somewhere so they could buy a few pairs. On one such day, I met a couple of people at Publix, and then a homeless man. … A Simple Straw, a Homeless Man, and an Impacted Life Read More »

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Would you say you’re confident? Or would it be more accurate to say that you experience flickers of self-doubt now and again? If you said the latter, you’re not alone. This week, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss the plague of self-doubt and shame we face as women, and how we get caught in the trap of comparison. They break down the most common areas we struggle with, including feeling too old; feeling too young; wondering if we’re good enough; feeling burdened by our pasts; and more, and share ways to identify your strengths (rather than focus on your perceived weaknesses). If you’re looking to break free of self-doubt, embarrassment and shame, this is the right place to find hope. Quote of … Get Ready to Break Free of Self-Doubt and Shame – 220 Read More »

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Having a special needs child requires a certain amount of organization to cope with the endless piles of paperwork. In just the first five years of our daughter’s life, more paperwork has accumulated than in my life altogether. I never imagined the avalanche of white that would follow doctor appointments, test results, therapy sessions, medical bills, healthcare claims, prescriptions, as well as school, grant, and scholarship applications. I soon found myself overwhelmed and drowning in piles of important details. Too often I was caught unprepared without detailed information of my daughter’s medical history or current care readily available for inquiring professionals. This created significant hiccups at times. I already had to wait months to see certain specialists, and my face-to-face time with … Special Needs Child? A Mom Shares Practical Tips to Keep You From Drowning Read More »

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The day I turned 40 didn’t hit me the way I thought it would. I felt young, so I thought, “Why let a number bother me?”  Busyness defined me, but I had energy to sustain it all. I didn’t feel like I was “over the hill.” Now that I’m almost 45, that feeling has slightly shifted. The number does bother me. It’s funny how five years can make a difference. Suddenly, I feel older. My body gets tired more quickly. Stress hits me in strange ways. My brain reaches capacity more quickly than it did in the past. Our Culture’s Message on Age and Appearance I am also noticing differences in how I look.  My thick, dark hair is suddenly thinning and showing … How to Age Gracefully in a Culture Obsessed with Beauty Read More »

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My 28th birthday came slowly and quietly just as I expected. It wasn’t loud like my 21st or social like my 16th. It wasn’t ground-breaking like my 18th or laced with travel like I enjoy. It came expectantly and gradually. Unhurried and minimal. Simple, just like life has been. No big plans. Just gratitude. A day to appreciate the little things. A spa day at home. Peace and quiet. Surrounded by books, an essential oil diffuser, and hot tea. But as I watched the sun peek from behind the clouds, I thought about those 28 years and what they’ve meant to me. They meant life, of course. But they were lessons too. Life lessons I never quite learned in school, but essential … 28 Life Lessons I’ve Learned in My 28 Years Read More »

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I was silent as the impassioned tone on the other end of the phone grew in volume. She named everything that overwhelmed her: the mounting bills and unyielding budget; the long afternoons with the young, napless kids; the at-home job that kept her working until the wee hours of the night; the lack of outside help and health issues creeping in. All of it was taking a massive toll on my friend. That place of feeling pulled, depleted, and drained was one in which I was familiar. While we brainstormed ways she could create more margin in her life, I suggested she devote a few hours each week to exercise at the gym while she took advantage of onsite childcare. “You could … Is it Bad to be Selfish? 4 Reasons the Answer is No! Read More »

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My husband has traveled the entire time we have been married. It was really hard when our son was little, trying to explain when Daddy would be home and trying to keep them connected over the phone was a major struggle. We have learned some helpful tips on how to stay connected when a family member is traveling and how to help little ones better understand when they will be back from their travels. 5 Ways to Stay Connected When a Family Member Is Traveling 1. Defining time with sleeps When our son was young, I defined the days Daddy would be away with sleeps. Daddy will be home in three sleeps. Since telling him Daddy would be home in four days … 5 Ways to Stay Connected When a Family Member Is Traveling Read More »

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Dear Mama, Let your children be children. I’m 50 years old now, and one of my favorite memories as a child was playing in a huge mud hole with my sister. Please don’t take that joy away from your child. Picture this: We lived in southeast Texas. Tornados were common, and just before summer break, one hit our town. Electricity was out for a week, roads were closed or washed out completely due to the rain, and school was cancelled. I am sure parents everywhere were not only exacerbated by the devastation of the storm, but add the sheer boredom of all the kids home from school and those parents were about to lose their patience. The Fun of Mud Play My … Let Kids Play in the Mud; God Made Them Washable Read More »

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Dear Teachers, We are praying for you… For energy to keep up with your students, lesson planning, grading, covering other teachers’ classes, and the many additional things that go on behind the scenes. We pray for encouragement when you’ve already spent all of your energy for the week, but it’s only Tuesday. Thank you for your dedication and perseverance. For wisdom when you face a difficult situation, whether it includes students, parents, school faculty, new policies that you may not agree with, or procedures that make your work more difficult. We pray for discernment as you navigate your way through the facts and emotions, seeking to serve others both justly and fairly, but also with kindness and compassion. Thank you for your grit … Teachers, We’re Praying These Things For You Read More »

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Loneliness seems to be an increasingly real problem for people all over the world. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, 61% of American adults reported feeling lonely. Add to that several months of social distancing and remote work, along with the usual sense of isolation caused by social media, and it’s clear that we are facing none other than what behavioral scientist and researcher Susan Mettes is calling the loneliness epidemic. Grit and Grace Life interviewed Susan about this particular slice of her research and her new book, The Loneliness Epidemic. Originally intended to become a podcast episode, the recorded audio quality wasn’t quite suited for headphones and speakers, but the content is nevertheless just as vital. We’ve adapted Susan’s responses into a … Are You Part of the Loneliness Epidemic? You Don’t Have to Be Read More »

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Middle school is one of the most emotionally-charged seasons in every human’s life. Bringing up this rite of passage, from elementary age to high school, is always a good way to create lively conversation between adults. Although it’s a season of life that most of us are glad to leave behind, there’s just something about sharing those vivid, awkward memories of middle school anxiety that make us both laugh and cringe at the same time. However, the mother of a child in the midst of middle school anxiety needs every little bit of help available when she sends her “just yesterday they started school” child out the door…knowing full well that today might possibly be the day that her sweet baby is … 7 Essential Tips to Relieve Middle School Anxiety Read More »

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Just like that, summer is wrapping up and the next school year is around the corner. As a mom, maybe you’re breathing a sigh of relief, knowing you’ll gain a few hours back in the day where you won’t be pestered (we get it!). Or maybe you’re a bit apprehensive—you don’t know what’s in the curriculum this year, whether your child will get along with their teacher, or what they’ll hear from other students. No matter which feeling you identify with, this episode of This Grit and Grace Life will help you feel more at ease in the new school year. Darlene Brock and Julie Bender chat through everything you need for a strong back to school strategy, from getting your kids … Your Back to School Strategy: Life Lessons and Daily Hacks – 219 Read More »

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Recently, our neighbor across the street recounted a conversation he had with a friend about our four boys. At first, my eyes got wide imagining what he said as images of my naked 4-year-old on a skateboard speeding down our driveway last week flashed through my mind. He quickly put me out of my angst, however, by sharing with me that he tells people it’s like 1969 at our house. I laughed in relief but then said, “Wait, what do you mean?” He smiled and responded, “Your boys are always outside, always laughing and dirty and don’t even know what a video game is! I love it! Reminds me of my childhood.” Such kind words. I wish my kids didn’t know what … Old School Parenting Makes Happier Kids—and Moms Read More »

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It’s that time of year when our graduating high school seniors are preparing for college or the next giant step in their young lives. And although there is excitement about those next steps, some mamas are struggling. Their worlds are about to shift in monumental ways: their babies are untethering the apron strings and these women are wondering how they will fill the gap that remains. An impending sense of loss is creeping into their very uncertain hearts. Loss Leads to Change Loss can visit us through so many different paths. It collides with the woman whose little one passes before they experience the brightness of noonday. It strikes the heart of the wife whose husband leaves, causing her to wonder what … 3 Things to Consider When You Feel Overwhelmed by Loss Read More »

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Job interviews can be nerve-wracking, intense, stressful, and, well, downright funny. Whether you’re heading into your first interview or you’ve done this before, always remember the importance of common sense. You’ve probably received tips on what you should say, but just in case you’re not sure what shouldn’t be said, here are a few suggestions… Things you should never say in a job interview: “My last boss was challenging.” While that may be true, no supervisor wants to think that you may eventually paint a picture of him or her that is anything but flattering. “What exactly do you do here?” It’s called research! Most any business will have at least a presence on social media if not a website. Get to … 20 Things To Avoid Saying in a Job Interview Read More »

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Potentially, summer can be a time to recalibrate after a full school year or seize opportunities for a mid-year inventory on the goals set at the first of the year. For some of us, the slower daily rhythms can allow more space for processing and reflection. Others of us try to find ways to sift through the nuances and recent events of life despite barreling forward with busy schedules. As is typical of life, the harder moments have inched their way into all that’s good and pleasant, asserting their existence—making sure I won’t evade their ability to discourage. The past several years of my life have been a beautiful mess: a co-mingling of blessings and hardship that has often left me feeling … All the Ways Gratitude Is the Game Changer You Need Read More »

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“What most concerns you?” the palliative care physician asked, sitting beside my husband’s hospital bed. Gary pointed at me and said, “Leaving her.” He was hospitalized with yet another serious infection because of late-stage cancer, and the doctor was helping him complete the Physicians Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST) form. Back at home, my husband announced that he was going to spend the day teaching me how to survive. I had lessons in online banking and using my phone’s GPS system. But when he retrieved a pipe wrench so I could learn how to unclog a sink, I gave him my best raised-eyebrow look, whereupon all tools were put away. Gary was relatively young when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It had … You Need to Talk About Death with Those You Love—Here’s How Read More »

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The idea of a having a professional photo shoot, no matter the type, can be fun for some. For others, it can feel daunting until the photos come back and you find some truly adorable keepsakes. You may now exhale. All is right in the world again. Part of the stress involved in a lifestyle photo shoot is figuring out what to wear. If you’re dressing for less posed photos or more casual style shooting, these tips are for you! So whether you’re styling yourself only or you’re styling your entire family, my hope for you after reading this article is to have a good idea of where to begin in your styling process. Here are 4 styling tips for a lifestyle … How to Prepare for a Lifestyle Photo Shoot Read More »

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As the summer comes to a screeching halt, so does the school bus coming to pick up your child to start the new school year.  The summer months were stress-free with no running from tennis to piano lessons to football practice to the doctor. There was peace in the summer. There is no reason you can’t find that same tranquility in the coming school year.  4 Easy Steps to Save Your Sanity In a New School Year 1. Plan meals ahead.  On Saturday I take five to ten minutes to plan out our meals for the coming week.  This includes going to the pantry to see what we have and what we need, then writing out a menu and a grocery list. … 4 Ways to Save Your Sanity In a New School Year Read More »

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I’ve been the young mom who trades multitasking in the office for barely fitting in a shower and clearing the dishwater all before the end of my husband’s work day. The mom trying all The Happiest Baby on the Block tips, like the baby-straddles-your-forearm-while-you-gently-jiggle-her-head trick to make her sleepy. My arm would fall asleep before my baby did, and when I’d lay her in her crib, slowly inch my arm free, and tiptoe out of the room, it would be mere minutes before she’d start to cry. No joke, my firstborn never napped. Also true is that I lost a piece of me in those years of just making it through the day. Being a new mom was all-consuming, so I stopped … Hectic Schedule? How to Create a Morning Routine that Feels Doable Read More »

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Maybe you’re about to get your dream apartment with your college besties or maybe you’re crossing your fingers and setting up house with people you’ve just met. Either way, new living situations call for some late-night Target runs (yay!) with your new roommate and a few uncomfortable, but necessary, conversations (boo). I’ve lived in multiple dorms, apartments, houses, and one trailer park, and over the years, I’ve learned a few things about how to start off on the right foot with new roommates. There are some pitfalls you’ll want to avoid and a few things you can do proactively to make home a happy and peaceful space for all of you. So text your future roommates, schedule a time to meet at … 5 Must Ask Questions For a New Roommate Read More »

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‘Coping With Anxiety’ Asked: I recently realized the extent to which I have struggled with anxiety all my life. What are some healthy, Biblical coping mechanisms I can use when anxiety and panic set in? Dr. Zoe Answered: Dear Coping With Anxiety,   What I love about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that it is completely Biblical. The Bible says, and modern CBT research has proven, that getting control over your thoughts is the best and most efficacious treatment for anxiety (and depression). The Bible tells us whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about those things and the God of peace will be with you … Ask Dr. Zoe – Coping With Anxiety Biblically Read More »

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If someone had told me that I was going to be a stepmom at 21 years old, aka a bonus mom, I would have laughed in their face. Not because I hated kids or because I was rude, but simply because working to become a great stepmom wasn’t a part of my plan. Funny how life works like that, isn’t it? You see, when I was younger, I was convinced—without a doubt—that I was going to be a traveling nomad. Laugh all you want, but it’s true. I’d always loved traveling, exploring new places, immersing myself in a different culture, and writing about it. But six years after graduating, I married a divorced man with two precious kiddos and my role as … Here Are the 10 Commandments to Be a Great Stepmom Read More »

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What can family members do to help loved ones struggling with addiction? This is one of life’s tough questions. One my own family members have had to answer, like searching for a mustard seed in the wilderness. This question can also lead to more questions: How long has your family member been struggling? Have they been to treatment? Are their children with them or in foster care—or perhaps your care? Have you lost a loved one to the struggle? As an author and recovery advocate, this is one of the most asked questions I receive when doing interviews and other events. Why? Well, I’d venture to guess it is because there are more people struggling with addiction and substance use disorders than … 5 Ways You Can Help Loved Ones Struggling with Addiction Read More »

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Your circumstances don’t define you. Take it from this week’s podcast guest, Laila Schell, whose upbringing was anything but conventional. In this raw narration of her life story, Laila shares how she grew up poverty-stricken, bouncing between family homes and foster care and feeling the sting of rejection from her parents. Living on the street, Laila struggled with drugs and discovered she was pregnant. Her life seemed hopeless until one unexpected moment of deliverance changed everything. Now, Laila sees the beauty of leading an imperfect life—recognizing our past doesn’t define us. It only points back to God’s ability to pull us from our deepest despair and guide us to finding redemption. Laila Schell is a wife and mom of four who lives … From Living on the Streets to Finding Redemption with Laila Schell – 218 Read More »

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Several years ago, my oldest child left for college, a large university two hours away. As she prepared for this exciting adventure, I took to pen and paper to express my feelings. The sentiment is likely similar for many who are sending your kid to college, a gap year, the military, or wherever. So, this is for you… To My College-Bound Daughter You are leaving for college in less than two weeks. I knew that this moment was coming, and maybe it was a little denial or perhaps it was genuine thoughts of “it is a long way off…” Either way, now the moment is practically here. and I’m having a mini panic attack. I realize all parents have this moment in … Sending Your Kid to College Is Very Much Like Kindergarten Read More »

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We remodeled bathrooms last winter, taking out an upstairs hall and adding its space to one bathroom, gutting a second, and updating a third. It was a project Alejandro promised to finish by late February, just in time for a women’s retreat scheduled to take place there. But February came and went, and the retreat got put on the back burner, while installing vanities, lights, and faucets became front and center. I let the pastors know we’d have to postpone the retreat until summer. But I got to thinking: The winter retreat topic was more suited to gathering around a fireplace than around our porch, so I sent an email to the powers-that-be about another idea more suitable for summer. When I … How to Overcome Feeling Nervous as a Leader Read More »

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It’s one thing to dream of neighbors gathering around your table when you have ample, decorated space, freshly cleaned bathrooms, and kids who keep their toys in their rooms and their crumbs on their plates. It’s a different kind of story when you’re renting a humble home with upside-down outlets. Unforgiving, flat-painted walls. Nicked linoleum. Then the dream gets turned round and round in your heart as you ask, “Why?” and “When?” and “How?” But the best dreams don’t wait for us to be ready. They meet us in boring, over-tired, spilled cheerios, right-now moments. When we feel most inadequate. When we most need hope. That’s where our family’s dream started. It’s also where it began to collect dust. If I could … How to Become Friends with Your Neighbors Read More »

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A friend graciously let us stay in their mountain home for a week. My husband loves the mountains and has the facial hair and four wheel drive to prove it. I love adventure and so we headed north. The home, situated at the top of several winding, icy, muddy and unpaved roads  made it impossible for some of the other cars to make it up the precipice. Since ours had four-wheel drive, I often served as the shuttle, from their cars parked near the highway to the few miles up. Straight up.  I hardly minded, because every time I turned a corner (which was often), I found each view more majestic than the next. How could someone not be impressed and in awe? … There’s Adventure In Everyday—Here’s How to Find It Read More »

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We recently decided to pull our twins out of school and homeschool them for 4th grade in an effort to preserve what’s left of their childhood. After our move across the country last summer, that was the one aspect of all of it that I kept having a hard time with: I did not have peace. As I get older, I am realizing more and more our gut is our compass. So, I changed my mind, and guess what? That’s okay. We can start off one way and decide that’s not for us and turn around mid-destination. Life allows U-turns. Starting Over We arrived in our new state last summer, and last fall was the first time I worked outside the home … I Changed My Mind; Change Can Be the Right Thing to Do Read More »

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No one wants to live in fear, but the reality is: what goes up, must come down. Growing up during “The Great Recession” in Detroit, the Motor City, I remember what it was like watching all my friends’ parents get laid off and their savings turned to nothing. The recession hit Detroit hard when all the car companies were getting bailed out by the government. Not-so-fun fact: if the government bails out a company, their stock price and 401ks are now worth $0. Multiply that by the over one million people in our city, and a decade later, Detroit was still in recovery. It became very clear to me how important it was to prepare one’s self for the most unforeseen circumstances. … 6 Steps to Prepare for a Potential Recession Read More »

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At Grit and Grace Life, we strive to bring you great articles every day. Over the years, we’ve had the honor of sharing practical tips and helpful wisdom with our readers. We couldn’t do this without our team of talented writers. Like you, these women are learning to navigate the ups and downs of life with grit and grace. What you may not know is that many of our writers have dug a bit deeper and written books that can help you (or someone you love) on your journey. Are you ready to change your life? Below are a few to help you get started. The Last Ordinary Hour: Living Life Now That Nothing Will Ever Be The Same by Kathy Izard Whether your … Ready to Change Your Life? Read These Books by Our Grit and Grace Life Writers Read More »

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Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. —Robert Brault Years ago, I was scheduled on a red eye from Hawaii to Houston. Shortly after I sat down in my seat, a middle-aged Japanese woman plopped down in the empty seat to my left. “Hello,” I smiled at her before sliding my headphones over my ears, the universal signal that I wasn’t up for conversing. It was close to midnight, after all. But the woman started engaging with me anyway. Not wanting to be rude, I took my headphones off and answered her questions while our plane barreled down the runway. Pretty soon, we were describing what our days consisted of and … What Is the Magic of the Snowball Effect? Read More »

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Happy 4th of July! While we’re celebrating our nation’s independence and the individual freedoms over backyard cookouts and late-night fireworks, we also can’t help but wonder: What does it look like to be an independent woman? In this episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender unpack the characteristics of an independent woman. They also discuss the importance of identifying your value outside of your job title or relationship status and, most importantly, how to channel confidence and find contentment in who you are. The independent woman is one who makes a difference because she knows what she brings to the table. Is that you? Quote of the episode: “We have to find independence in ourselves…it comes with … It’s Independence Day—Are You an Independent Woman? – 217 Read More »

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Have you ever noticed how many analogies there are in the Bible about plants or farming? Quite a few, but being the black thumb that I am (think seven dead basil plants since the beginning of the year), I really appreciate the clothing metaphor in Colossians 3. It literally starts in verse 12 with “clothe yourself.” Oh yeah, this is something I can get behind, Paul. Please continue. Right after “clothe yourself,” he gives you the most fascinating list of things to “put on.” While looking at this list, I thought of how transformed our relationships would become if we took these words to heart and apply them to our faith: “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, … How a Woman of Grit and Grace Wears Her Faith Read More »

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We went to dinner at our local small-town golf club. As I walk in I realize what is going on around us, and a lump forms in my throat. I wonder if we should turn around and walk away before my kids understand the gravity of the fundraiser we have walked into. I saw his widow, another gold star wife, outside taking hug after hug as fellow Navy sailors, I would imagine, were sharing little stories and tidbits of information about the chief whose life they were celebrating. I know how she feels. She is so grateful for the love and the distraction of the pit she wants to crawl into. The one she only escapes for the sake of her children. … Dear Gold Star Wife, I Promise It Will Get Better Read More »

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My former chosen method of numbing pain included self-medicating with pills and toxic relationships. It’s taken years, open sharing and honest conversations, lots of therapy, and a few rock-bottom moments to set myself on a path of growth and healing. For many people who struggle with addiction, recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) have ignited a new way of life, and a newfound sense of identity and purpose. Yet, the programs practices aren’t just life-changing for its members alone—anyone can benefit from the organization’s principles, and steps. Some of the best life practices can be found in the AA slogans. These five AA slogans every woman can incorporate into her daily life! 1. One Day at a Time To take it one … Discover 5 AA Slogans That Bring Wisdom to Any Woman’s Life Read More »

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Each spring college graduations launch a whole new freshly-minted batch of newbies to enter the professional world. With all the bad press young generations get, being a young professional isn’t easy, especially if you’re a woman. Becoming a successful young professional can be a daunting task. Trust me—with a lot of hard work and a little “it’s who you know” luck, in my mid-twenties I landed an incredible position as the director of a non-profit organization. I’ve also been an educator, having taught elementary, middle, and high school students as well as adult learners. Fast forward a few years and now I’m a “write-at-home-mom,” living another dream I had tucked away in my heart. Whether you’re fresh out of college, early in … 10 Ways to Be a Successful Young Professional Read More »

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Moms, are you dreading those teen years? You’ve gone from 2 to 6 to 10 years old at lightning speed, which makes you know  those terrifying years in a child’s life will be on you before you finish fixing dinner. There are books on handling this age and podcasts that help parents navigate this season, and while those are helpful, the best way to deal with your teenager is what you do before they get there. What you’ve instilled before that season and the relationship you’ve built will see you through these wonderful, albeit challenging, years. Before I step into the list of things you must do now, I want to assure every parent of this: While ages 13-18 create many unique … Moms, Get Ready for the Teen Years Now Read More »

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We have had the pleasure of having several college girls intern with us at Grit and Grace Life and had the pleasure of working with them the year they graduated. Shortly after their college career came to a close, we had a team meeting which they attended. A few minutes into the meeting I was reminded of the seismic life shift they were facing. Watching their facial expressions as they discussed the future spoke every bit of their college graduation fear. The overwhelming, yet excited, panicked, exhilarating, and dreadful emotions they were feeling. The experience made me want to take a few minutes and tell all college grads this—take heart! You can do this! Yes, it’s true what you have known in … College Graduation Fear—7 Ways to Know You’re Ready Read More »

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My husband has been sighing and pointing out these small cracks down the plaster of our living room for months. I know what they mean but I haven’t been too worried. Until the tiles on our kitchen floor started cracking audibly. Then a few weeks ago, a friend pointed out a crack down the front side of our house. Not the inside, but through the actual brick, and this one was not little but a huge gaping ridge. We called out a foundation company and got an estimate. Then, of course, we had to get a loan. A really big loan. Cracks in the foundation have also meant we had to call a plumber. We need to have some trees removed and … If You Have Cracks in Your Foundation, It’s Time to Avoid Avoidance Read More »

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Not going to lie: I find the flaps of skin on my arms and the line etching itself into my forehead (that looks just like my mother’s) a bit concerning. Middle age snuck up on me like my husband likes to sneak up on me in the kitchen and pinch my rear. All of a sudden, I’m here. A part of me is elated, and a part of me is petrified. What if I am more than halfway through my life? Is this why the phrase “midlife crisis” was coined? Why men with sprinkles of white in their mustaches slink around car dealerships looking for the shining red muscle car? Why some veer a bit further and look for the other shiny … Is It a Midlife Crisis? Or a New Beginning? Read More »

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Hardly anything is impossible. Take it from Mignon François—a speaker, entrepreneur and owner of The Cupcake Collection, a specialty cupcake business that ships nationwide—who, only a few years ago, found herself with only $5 in hand to feed her family as a single moom. On this episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender chat with Mignon on how to get to where you want to be in life, and the ability to be resourceful even when it seems all the odds are against you. Mignon shares her unexpected journey from living paycheck to paycheck to investing seed money that would eventually turn into a bakery empire. But her story didn’t come without its share of challenges: While … You Can Get to Where You Want to Be with Mignon Francois – 216 Read More »

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I have to start this off with a confession. I sat down to write this article four different times but couldn’t put it all into words. None of it made sense. I am simply dealing with working mom guilt who loves her work. The words sounded so silly, confusing, and insignificant. But, as I sit here at the start of the school day, literally with tears in my eyes because I’ve just dropped off a five-year-old to kindergarten, a three-year-old to preschool, and I am in my classroom awaiting the flood of students, I can honestly say that everyone is right where they are supposed to be, and it all makes sense now. I’m stepping back into the classroom after over three … Working Mom Guilt, When You Love Your Work Read More »

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While driving through the road construction by my house and looking at the piled-up dirt, rocks, and various potholes on the side of the road, I was in deep thought about my father who had passed  away years earlier. When I first heard of his passing, I had very mixed emotions. You see, I had no relationship with him for the past 20 plus. years. He decided my sin against him was unforgivable and wrote me out of his life. I accepted the fact that I was not important enough to him for him to let go of my offense, but I’m left with mixed emotions on Father’s Day. I reached out to him many years ago when my sister passed, but when … This Is Why I Have Mixed Emotions on Father’s Day Read More »

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It’s finally summertime and I want to create family memories! I can’t help but think back on all the sweet times I had as a kid during summer break. Days on end in bathing suits melted popsicle juice running down my cheeks, and bare feet on the grass created some of my fondest memories (and I know I can’t possibly be alone in this)! Since that’s what this season is all about, I’ve created a 50-item summer bucket list. Some are free and easy, and others are more involved, but they’re all sure to leave you and your brood smiling as you mark this summer as one to go down in the books. Plus, Mama, having a little fun will help these … Summer Bucket List—50 Easy Ways To Create Family Memories Read More »

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After a quick check over her shoulder, my mother-in-law lowered her voice to a whisper and leaned in to share her secret to a happy marriage. Her playful grin told me this was something I would want to hear, so, with a swirl of my iced tea, I turned my attention from my sons and their grandfather as they played on the rope swing under the shade of their giant oak tree. Her eyes sparkled as she said, “I call it, The 3-Day Rule.” Her top-secret rule came up as we discussed a home improvement project my husband and I were at odds over, and I was thankful for the treasure of an experienced woman’s wisdom. My marriage dilemma was that I … The 3-Day Rule: My Mother-in-Law’s Secret to a Happy Marriage Read More »

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As parents and guardians, we want our kids to thrive—socially, academically, and physically. But what about culturally? How often do we share our culture with our kids? Do we feel comfortable doing so? What if I wasn’t exposed to my culture growing up and know nothing about it? Research tells us that culture has a big impact on a child’s development. It gives them a sense of identity, provides a sense of belonging, and creates a connection to their history and heritage. Perhaps you grew up in a home that honored your culture by celebrating holidays, eating traditional foods, speaking the language, and learning history. So sharing your culture with your children and carrying on those traditions, is very important to you. … 7 Ways to Teach Your Kids to Embrace their Culture Read More »

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“I’m not good enough.” Chances are, you have said this to yourself. You feel inadequate in a relationship. You missed a work deadline. You’re not as put together as that other woman you see at school drop-off. You hurt someone you love. Here is the good news: You aren’t good enough. That’s probably not a line you’ll see on a greeting card, but here is why this really is good news. There is grace for us. 2 Corinthians 12:9 states, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.” In a culture that celebrates self-reliance, we are constantly trying to prove our power, our worth, and our control over our circumstances. It may seem harmless, those … Have You Ever Said It? “I’m Not Good Enough.” Read More »

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When my daughter was young she could sniff out a baking mix from a mile  away. Once I purchased a box of banana nut muffin mix at the store and my then four-year-old had it out of the bag and was waiting for me before I could even set my keys down. I sliced up a few bananas while she put paper liners in the muffin pan. She insisted on adding sprinkles, and I said, “Why not?” We whisked and poured and put them in the oven. Banana Muffins Can’t Be Brownies As soon as I closed the oven door, my daughter started asking if her brownies were ready yet. Her slightly older brother piped up from doing his homework, never missing … Banana Muffins Can’t Be Brownies and Other Life Truths Read More »

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‘Mamma b’ Asked: My son’s dad is a malignant narcissist and has been a terrible co-parent. […] Before puberty we were so close, then I had four years of heartbreak. My mum abandoned me (also a narcissist). I thought if I got away from the toxic situation as a baby but still allowed him to see his dad, then he would be okay. But for the past year he has been triggering my PTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. I felt like I was back with his dad: the lying, the manipulation, the complete lack of empathy even though I’ve taught him ? It could just be a teenage thing; he’s 15 and I think he has daddy issues. I had … Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Detach from My Aggressive, Disrespectful Teenage Son? Read More »

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Once upon a time, I was in a five-year relationship. There were good times and bad times, but overall—it was just a lot of time. A lot of shared experiences. A lot of shared life. It was a devastating loss at the time, but, now, I’m so grateful for the experience because breaking up made me a strong woman. Yes, I was sad when we went our separate ways. But more than anything, I was so incredibly lost. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I didn’t even know what I liked to do. I had no idea who I was by myself. I wasn’t exactly a fan of feeling my emotional pain; what I really wanted to do was fast-forward … How Breaking Up Made Me a Strong Woman Read More »

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWe’re witnessing radical changes in our culture. Topics ranging from gender identity and sexual boundaries to living “your truth” are making both headlines and appearances in our daily life. And many times, these issues run counter to what we believe as women of faith. So how do we adapt to a shifting culture and still pursue what we know to be true?

In this episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender discuss the ways that traditional values and the understanding of what’s right or wrong have changed over the years, touching on topics like casual sex and family dynamics. They also share how we as women of faith can embrace truth and navigate these new waters through grace and compassion, rather than judgment through measuring sin. Are you willing to sit and talk with someone whose beliefs or decisions differ greatly from your own?

God designed a perfect life for us to live. Our job is to pursue His truth—which includes loving others the way He would.

Quote of the episode:

“Truth, couched in mercy and grace, is the only thing we can find hope in.” —Darlene Brock

ResourcesMentions:—Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr—“Are Women Being Marginalized—Again?”

Related:—How Do I Raise My Kids when the Culture and Bible Collide? with Dr. Jim Denison – 177
—“So, We Disagree—Can We Still Talk?”

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThis morning, during our 12-mile ride to school, my son shared with me some disturbing behavior that he witnessed at school. I let my son talk freely. One of my favorite times of the day is when we are in the car going to and from school. We have had the best conversations during those times, discussing situations and circumstances that we face. I treasure that time together; it’s a safe place to share and be an active listener.

As a parent, it is sometimes hard to just listen. During that time, I strive to allow him to speak and share what he is wrestling with and things that are going on in his life and his friends’ lives. It’s been a place of freedom for him to speak whatever is on his mind. We pray over the things as we are driving.

After I pull up to the school and drop him off, as soon as the door closes, I start praying over the things he shared. Today though, I didn’t know how to respond. But I trust that the Lord does.

When It Comes to Our Teens, Are We Focusing On the Wrong Things?Being a teenager is hard. It was hard when I was a teen and it’s hard now, maybe more so with the introduction of social media. The pressures that are placed on our children are unbelievable. We start grooming them at a young age to be Harvard applicants and NFL stars and berate them when they fall short of the high expectations we place on them. But it seems we worry less about the things that we should worry about.

Shouldn’t we be more concerned with their heart and their salvation? Shouldn’t we be more concerned with their physical, mental, and emotional well-being than with their social media likes? When did we start caring more about status than we care about people?

I couldn’t do anything about the situation that my son shared other than pray for his heart, and those involved in the situation, and that the Lord would intervene and grant wisdom on how to proceed. I don’t always get the parenting thing right. I fail at it a lot, but I’ve found that these five scriptures are my go-to when I am facing parenting situations.

5 Verses to Encourage You During the Teenage Years1. “Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:36-39 NLT)

Our kids mimic what they see. If they see me loving God with my entire being, loving myself, and loving my neighbor, what a great example to pass along to them. If they see me not helping others out or doing things out of selfish ambition, they will learn to do the same.

1. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19 NLT)

This verse has helped me through some of the teenage stuff. Instead of automatically jumping to respond, I’ve learned (and thank you Lord for the grace You provide) to listen. Sometimes my son just needs a sounding board, not a mom that wants to lecture. I’ve found out that the more I listen, the more my son talks to me.

1. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)

This verse has helped through some of the most difficult situations when parenting. At times, our human heart deceives us but when we lay it all down at Jesus’ feet, He provides the path and wisdom.

1. “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31 NLT)

This is a prayer for myself and my family. No matter what we are doing, may we do it all for the One who deserves all the glory. If I’m cooking a meal, instead of grumbling about cooking again, I do it as if I was cooking for the Lord. Laundry is a never-ending cycle at my house. Instead of complaining about it, I spend the time folding laundry praying over my family, and thanking God for His provisions (We have clothes on our backs and an abundance of them, according to the amount of laundry I complete each week.)

1. “And we urge you, brothers, to admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, and be patient with everyone. Make sure that no one repays evil for evil. Always pursue what is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice at all times. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14-18 NLT)

As a parent, our patience wears thin at times. But I know that God, the ultimate parent, gives me an abundance of grace each day, so I should give that same grace to others. When my kid yells at me or says something snarky, instead of going back at him, I offer grace.

We all have moments when we say things we shouldn’t, and we shouldn’t expect that our children won’t slip occasionally. Rejoicing for me is saying daily, “Today is going to be a great day.” My son and I started this in elementary school. We said it to everyone, every morning. It became our little thing, each day was a new start and a clean slate. Every time we said it to each other we smiled. As a parent, we are constantly in prayer for our kids and our family. Giving thanks for them is essential even when things are hard or don’t turn out the way we think they should.

The Kids Are AlrightWe need to listen when our kids speak and trust that the Lord knows what is right for them. Seek His wisdom, not our own (because we can’t do it on our own!). Love people, do good for them, and be an example of the kind of person you want your children to be. We need to do more loving than judging, and more praying than gossiping. So instead of tying weights around your children’s necks with unachievable expectations, let’s join together and encourage our kids, support them in growing their faith, and pray for them to be men and women after God’s own heart.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the gift of children. Thank you for blessing me with them. Lord, I face challenges with parenting them, I seek Your will for their life. I trust Lord that You know best and I praise You. May my son/daughter grow in their faith and be a man/woman after Your own heart. Grant me wisdom in knowing how to help support and encourage them in achieving this. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Parenting can take stress and burnout to another level. Here’s how to manage it: How Do I Overcome Destructive Anger and Burnout in Motherhood? with Natalie Hixson – 201

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Twitter60FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint60SHARESMy faith used to feel so much bigger. These days, it can feel like an afterthought.

A prayer shot off in traffic or as I am already falling asleep. I struggle through any kind of devotional book. I make it to church most weekends but pray with my eyes open and occasionally with my heart closed.

I miss the small narrow faith that felt so consuming of my youth. I miss the simple Sunday school lessons, youth group

concerts and innocent prayers. In college, faith filled living room couches and strummed guitars. I hung out in coffee shops and college ministries.

I made all the usual college mistakes but I still managed to squeeze in a quiet time or go to a Bible study. We wrote our requests on notecards and traded them like baseball cards and taped them to our bathroom mirrors. We prayed long exhausting prayers about things I wouldn’t spend two minutes on now.

Sometimes My Faith Feels MistakenEven then, my faith never felt as solid as I thought everyone else’s must. It felt slippery and loose and full of gray and I occasionally wondered if I was doing it all wrong.

Yet at the same time it felt big enough to be true. A truth that I have doubted a hundred times but never managed to let go. Maybe because it is holding on to me rather than the other way around.

When I was small they taught us parables in Sunday school. I loved the one about the mustard seed. Even when I was young, I loved the idea of a faith that only needed to be small.

He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you,” (Luke 17:6).

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you,” (Matthew 17:20).

Have a Little FaithI’m going to be honest, faith doesn’t always work things out the way I want it to. I can believe as earnestly as I want and sometimes the prayers go unanswered. My adult faith has learned to weather seasons when the check or healing don’t come. There have been phone calls in the middle of the night and losses and questions. There have been times when I wanted God to show up and he remained stubbornly silent. It is then that I go back to Matthew.

The expectation has never been a big giant faith.

Only a tiny one. A smidge. A seed.

Like a pebble stuck in my shoe, insisting on being felt, even when I try my best to ignore it and power onward. My faith remains. Sometimes even annoyingly so. When my journey is filled with hard and doubt and hustle faith is a small stone pressing. A reminder. 
I will not leave you.

Little Faith Leaves Room for a Big God“You of little faith” is meant to be an insult. Earlier in Matthew (8:26), thrown out by what I imagine as an irritated Jesus, frustrated that his friends who have spent so much time with him still haven’t figured out who he is. Afraid of a storm and his slumber, they do not trust him.

When things are hard, I have been equally guilty of wondering if someone has fallen asleep on the job. I read further in Matthew and how did he respond?

Jesus quieted the storm and then they continued on their way. That was all.

When his friends doubted him, he never punished or lectured. 
He simply reminded them who he was. My little faith always leaves room for a big God.

I used to be jealous of the people that I thought had such a big and solid faith—those with a deep-seated belief that they never seemed to question or wrestle.

But maybe the questions and the wrestling are what allow faith to expand and include. A faith that bends can also encircle. A small seed of faith has room to grow. It becomes a soft place to land rather than a hard stone in my chest.

—
Does it feel like your faith is falling flat? If so, we hope you benefit from this podcast episode: How to Handle Real-Life Struggles That Challenge Your Faith – 112

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Ladies, we work hard. How we pour ourselves out to provide for ourselves and/or contribute to our families varies in form and schedule. We 9 to 5-ers become some sort of steady-yet-intricate balancing acts as we up-keep many aspects of life. In our always changing day to day, I bet we working women share many of the same utterances in our minds: 35 Thoughts of a Working Woman:   “There is nothing better than feeling rested after a good sleep—sure wish I could get one.” “I’m just going to snooze a little bit longer and shower without washing my hair. What’s another day of dry shampoo?” Hearing a steamy trickle from down the hall…holding back the urge to yell, “Thank you!” to whoever … 35 Thoughts of a Working Woman Read More »

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Twitter184FacebookLinkedIn573PinterestPrint757SHARESWhen your marriage is in a free fall of disconnectedness, anger, or resentment, it can feel like you are standing on the sidelines watching a train wreck, helpless to stop it. It’s terrifying. Even worse, if your spouse has already asked for a divorce, you may feel like the end is inevitable.

Let me give you the good news first.

Fixing things doesn’t require that you both jump in and dissect your issues. When you change any part of a system (in your case, your relationship), the whole system reacts and thus changes.

Every marriage goes through difficult times; sometimes, you may question whether it is even worth sticking it out. But the relationship can stay intact as long as both of you actively work on your marriage and don’t give up.

The bad news is that clearly, what you are doing isn’t working. That means to fix things, you have to make some changes, but probably not the ones that you thought. Truth be told, until the divorce papers have been signed, you still have hope.

Here are important tips that will inspire your spouse to recommit to your marriage.1. When your spouse is upset with you, don’t promise to make a change too soon.Out of desperation, most people promise to make changes that they haven’t fully thought through. This knee-jerk reaction is not sustainable and only leads to disappointment. Over time, disappointment like this does more damage to the relationship—something you can’t afford right now.

A better response when your partner is upset is this: “I’m going to try to figure out why I do that because I really want to change that behavior for you. I will work on it and let you know when I figure it out.” Then actually explore that behavior so you can discover what is causing it. From there, you can talk to your spouse about the issues so that real change has a shot at working.

1. Distance yourself.This is a hard one because it seems counter-intuitive. Your spouse is already showing signs of pulling away, and that causes every cell in your being to want to chase after them. I’m telling you not to.

Here’s why: When you chase after something, the natural animal response is for it to run. When you move in the opposite direction, the other’s natural response is to move towards you. Distancing yourself is not a passive-aggressive act, but an authentic and purposeful mental separation that gives your spouse some space they may need. It also has the added benefit of sparking curiosity and renewed interest in you.

We are naturally attracted to that which we feel eludes us. By distancing yourself, you are giving your spouse a chance to see you in a different light.

Truth be told, until the divorce papers have been signed, you still have hope.

1. Keep in mind that most couples’ issues are co-created.Take the time to do some honest reflection so you can figure out what part you are playing in the marriage. Every behavior—or lack of behavior—has a reason behind it. Maybe you don’t trust your spouse, or you feel a sense of freedom when you do things your way. These issues need to be understood and possibly resolved for lasting change to occur.

When you have figured out your part, share it with your spouse with an apology and no excuses. This will go a long way toward establishing or rebuilding trust.

1. Be short and concise when addressing an issue.Don’t bring up the past, and don’t add additional issues. Imagine that you have an audience while you communicate with your spouse. This will help you to stay on point and relatively calm. You’ll find that a better version of your spouse responds to you as well.

The challenge with adding on additional complaints is that it distracts from your main point. You will get further along with your partner if you help them be successful. That means one thing at a time.

1. Finally, don’t forget to praise the small steps.This means that any step (no matter how small) towards positive change should be acknowledged and appreciated. For example, you wish your spouse would help with the laundry. So, he washes and dries the clothes but leaves them on the table for you to put away. As frustrating as this is, it’s an important step in the right direction.

Offer a positive comment back like: “Thank you so much for getting started on the laundry for me. That means so much to me.” Skip-pointing out what wasn’t done and, instead, praise what was done. Eventually, your spouse’s behavior will move towards what is being praised without even realizing that you helped to shape that behavior.

Marriage isn’t easy. At times, we all feel like we’re in it alone. The good news is that although working on your marriage alone can be a daunting task, it’s totally possible to make great headway with the right attitude. Also, the hard fact of life is that the only person you can control is yourself. Embrace the challenge, and soon enough, you’ll see your marriage change for the better.

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Want to learn more about a healthy marriage? We recommend starting with this podcast episode: Marriage Matters: Here’s How to Invest in Yours – 062

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Twitter74FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint74SHARESThe cutting cold of the night numbed my cheek as I lay against a pillow of snow. My head was heavy—I could not lift it—but my eyes could still look around from my quiet place on the ground. No one. Silence. Maybe the faraway hum of traffic. Maybe a street light casting a yellow shadow on the parked cars. Maybe the taste of acidic peppermint in my mouth. I was glad to be alone. The crowd had become too suffocating.

Someone’s parents were gone for the weekend, so a bunch of us decided to have an older brother buy alcohol. The one who smoked Camels and drove a Camaro. Boys in puffy coats sat around a kitchen table and played cards, and girls in white jeans and turtle necks stood around sipping wine coolers.

A couple of the boys were like me (needed more) and got a bottle of booze all to ourselves and started drinking it like it was water. After an hour of chugging too much of the sharp, peppermint liquid that burned my throat as it went down, that familiar spinning and heat in my head started. No one ever teaches you how to drink responsibly. I was feeling flushed, dizzy, and needed somewhere to go. Anywhere that wasn’t there. I needed a place where the walls and floor and everything would stop spinning.

It was cold out, but it felt good. So soft. I sunk down into the whiteness as I dropped to my knees and hit the ground, then fell over slowly onto my side. No one knew I was out there, and that was perfect because I was still trying to keep up appearances. I was still a “fun drunk.” Cool, funny, charismatic. My drinking (or what I wanted to show of it) was in control. I was in control—for a freshman girl in high school.

A moment, I remember thinking. I will lay here for just a moment.

Then, He Found MeI’m not sure how many moments I was outside. After some time (could have been minutes, could have been hours), he was kind enough to find me and bring me inside. He held under my arm with his arm, guiding me through muffled laughter. He pulled me up the short stairwell to the bathroom. I was so grateful for the help. I started feeling a pit in my stomach churn and knew I needed to be there.

Then, he kindly waited, holding my hair back and stroking my head sweetly like my grandpa used to do when I was sick as a kid while I held my head over the toilet. Almost half a bottle of Blue 100, and now it was coming back up violently, along with the little bit of dinner I had eaten earlier.

After I was completely empty, utterly spent, and still swirling-nauseous, I stood up and grabbed onto the sink with both hands. I tried to look at my face in the mirror, but my head fell heavily down. His face came into focus, and he was smiling. He helped to turn on the water so I could get a couple of drinks with my hand. My thirst was maddening. The cool felt so soothing on my lips, traveling down my throat and into the empty place the alcohol had left. I was starting to feel just a little bit better. I turned towards the bathroom door to leave. But he reached around me and locked the door.

I could hear the laughter coming in from under the doorway and see shadows and movement as the walls spun around me. I think there are people outside; I remember thinking but not having the ability to speak. I wanted to say something, but my voice froze like black ice. My eyes strained to find something to hold onto as he softly lowered me to the ground and climbed on top of me. My sight came into focus for a moment, and I noticed my hair moving back and forth across the cold bathroom floor.

Everything happened like it was happening to someone else.

Then, Morning CameThe next morning, I stood in the kitchen listening to my parents tell a story about their dinner the night before. They went out with friends. Pizza. Someone’s daughter was doing so well. Someone’s son just left for boot camp.

My brother came in and out of the room, wearing his workout clothes, getting ready for a run. Sipping water. Making peanut butter toast. All I could think about was how I could sneak into the woods for a cigarette, my usual trick of fastening a makeshift cigarette holder using a pipe cleaner or paper clip so my fingers wouldn’t be stained by the smell all day—would this work today? Because I really needed this to work today.

The phone rang, and my heart dropped to my feet.

It was his friend.

“Hey,” I muttered.

“Hey.”

There was silence on the phone. I looked at my parents, who were continuing to tell their story, and my brother, who was doing calf stretches by pushing up against the marble countertop.

“So, he wanted me to call you.”

My heart was pounding, and I started to have a glimmer of hope.

Maybe he wanted to start going out with me, I thought. He was, after all, one of the popular sophomores. He had only the prettiest girlfriends, the ones who had all the newest clothes and drove Grand AMs or red Cavaliers and whose parents let them wear eyeliner and dye their hair blonde all seasons of the year.

There was more silence until I muttered: “Yeah?”

“He just wanted to…”

All of a sudden, I felt like I was choking. My chest tightened up, and I got lightheaded. I saw flashes of the night before, and all at once it was all too overwhelming. As I started to hang up the phone, he said:

“Don’t call him.”

“Oh—okay,” I whispered, and the receiver clicked into place.

I walked to the counter where my cereal bowl sat with the milk I had just poured in it.

“Who was that?” my Dad asked.

“No one.”

The cereal was soggy and floating in the milk. I put the spoon into the bowl, swirled it around once, walked over to the sink, and poured it down. My brother left for his run; the door closed behind him. My parents kept telling their stories from the night before, and I silently went down to my bedroom and closed the door.

Over the years, a lot of pain came from this one moment.

This Is What I Would Say to the Man Who Raped MeIf I could talk to the man who raped me, I would say this:

After you scooped me up in the snow bank and took away my dignity, I began to hate myself—though hate is not a strong enough word. There are no words. I was consumed by such destructive self-loathing that the little girl I once was disappeared. The drinking intensified. Then drugging. Disordered eating. Toxic relationships. Anything that could temporarily take me away from myself and to a quiet place of numbness. Anything I could do to hurt myself more so that the pain I inflicted made me forget about the pain that you caused.

When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t make eye contact with the woman staring back at me. Who was she? Broken, Dirty, Whore. There were lots of names I’d call her. For years, I wanted to hide away, even from myself. Safely tucked behind baggy flannel shirts and baseball caps—anything that could let me get by unnoticed. Even being looked at by strangers felt like a taking away. Everything was a threat.

What I once had, a shining self-confidence that loved to laugh, dance, and share, was replaced by an overpowering fear. When I thought of you, I trembled. I could barely enter a room full of people, let alone speak. It took almost all the strength I had to lift my eyes to notice the world around me. I was trapped, overwhelmed by darkness, and I didn’t know if I would ever be free again.

You also helped begin a tragic cycle of disregard for the sacredness of my body. Years of letting my temple be degraded, beaten down. Destroyed.

Years of sick relationships, allowing the trauma to get stuck on repeat again and again and again like a bad song that you can’t get unstuck from your mind. And having it—sexual assault—happen again. When what is precious is taken so young, why cherish it? Why protect it? Is it not meant to—aren’t I only good for what you want of me and nothing more? Isn’t this what I am supposed to do? Stop fighting. Stop saying “no.”

Now, I Forgive YouBut despite the pain and darkness and what I have lived through because of it, this is also what I would say to you, the one who raped me when I was 14 years old: I forgive you.

While I couldn’t see it at the time or for years after, I know now that you, too, came from a broken place and perhaps are still there. After all, we were both teenagers at that party, drinking. We had our reasons for drinking so much, for wanting to escape. While I forgive (but never forget), my heart breaks for your broken place. I wear compassion like only someone who has experienced suffering can.

In this peaceful place of forgiveness, I’d also like to tell you that there is something else there, a treasure in the sand. Gratitude. I can be grateful for the ashes that you stirred in me that grew to reveal something beautiful. I can be grateful that I am a resilient woman who can get through anything with God’s help. And importantly, I can also be grateful because I have been able to connect with the suffering of other women, women who have walked the road I have and far worse. And there are many of us. Too many. The resounding chorus of “me too” thunders around the globe.

Despite all of it—now, I can sing and truly mean that it is well with my soul.

Now, I Have PeaceToday, when I think about you, I am not angry. I am not resentful. Though I recognize it has taken me years to get to this place—and much support. It was never something that I could do on my own, though I tried and tried. What I needed was a supernatural intervention.

When I was able to realize this, when I was able to extend my hand to the One who was there with me lying in the snow bank, the One who walked through the years of self-destruction, addiction, and hurt, the One who was there all along—when I was able to cry out and ask for my own forgiveness and love, something amazing and downright miraculous happened.

I was given a precious gift that I could then share with you.

Instead of hurt or anger when I think of you, in my mind, I see something like a Colorado mountain scene: awe-inspiring, purple-haze majesty covered in brilliant, shining snow. I think of God and how radical a life it is to follow Him. To forgive and love no matter what the cost. And sometimes, it costs us dearly.

I want to show you a glimpse of what this merciful God has given me. I want you to see and experience firsthand this incredible, unbelievable grace—this ridiculously persistent love. Today, I want to share my forgiveness with you and whisper gently as I extend my hands to yours that you are loved. There is purpose on the other side of your pain, too.

When I was able to cry out and ask for my own forgiveness and love, something amazing and downright miraculous happened. I was given a precious gift that I could then share with you: forgiveness.

Listen to this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life for another harrowing story of one woman’s journey to get to the other side of sexual abuse: Find Healing and Freedom From Sexual Abuse With Jill Monaco – 157

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Twitter160FacebookLinkedIn18PinterestPrint178SHARESWhat makes a strong woman is touted in academia and social media; it’s displayed daily on almost every television network. The phrase is even currently awarded to those who are not biologically female. But I contend being born female is the only path to becoming a strong woman. Those are the women I admire and want to emulate.

Today’s version of female strength is often exemplified by some of the angriest ladies I have ever encountered. I’m not sure that much of anything would make these women happy. They tell us we should demand respect, our rights, and equality (but oftentimes with an air of superiority).

This is not to say that women cannot have a voice, that we are undeserving of respect, or that we are unequal. In fact, I believe we are equal, and having fought for that, I stand with the premise. That every woman’s voice is essential to the world. But if we are fighting for something of worth, let’s handle ourselves with dignity and treat the people around us with respect. Using some grit is OK, but let’s ensure it’s marked by grace. Because the ladies who carry a chip on their shoulder and make the same angry demands simply don’t encourage or inspire; they make me weary.

Become the Woman Who Doesn’t Have to Prove Her StrengthNo, it’s not those women I find strong. In fact, if I planned a girls’ night out, they aren’t the ones I’d invite. If I could, along with some of my best girlfriends, I would choose two ladies residing in heaven: my great-grandmother, Ethel Bunger, and my husband’s grandmother, Minnie Brock. Now those were some strong ladies.

Follow us on Instagram!The way they lived provided me with two of the best examples of what a strong woman looks like. They possessed every trait needed and put these traits on display without angst or effort daily, which ended in them earning the respect of all they encountered.

Their strength did not lie in working outside the home, inside the home, or by doing some of both. It did not come from breaking whatever ceiling they encountered. They didn’t give much thought to ceilings; they just took care of business. It was not a list of demands or rights that were met that gained their respect. Their very makeup, nature, and priorities made them strong.

I learned so much from these ladies who made me better. I’d like to share with you a few of their traits, all of which come together to create the…

Anatomy of a Strong Woman: Eyes that shed tears for those who are hurting. * A mind that possesses the knowledge of life, faith, and family. * Hands that work diligently to meet the needs of others. * Feet that run swiftly to the defense of those who need defending. * A voice that speaks up when injustice demands it. * A heart of courage to believe the best, even when all reason says she shouldn’t. * Arms that hold closely—offering unconditional love. * The laughter that provides hope to a heart in pain. * A tongue that never ceases to offer words of wisdom and encouragement. * A tenacious spirit that perseveres every day, even when she is spent.*

These women of strength inspired me with every one of those acts. When they moved residence to the land that is eternal, there were many stories filled with laughter and tears from an untold number of people. There was such respect and honor in each sentence, in each teardrop. They didn’t demand it; they didn’t march for it; they earned it through the way they chose to live.

This is the woman who has joy, contentment, and purpose. This woman does not have to prove her equality because those around her know she is so much more than equal.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. This is the woman you want to be.

This woman doesn’t bother listening to the noise from those loud and frustrated ladies. She knows exactly what it takes to possess the anatomy of a strong woman. She’s living a life of grit and grace.

—Looking for more on a woman’s strength? Start here:This Is Why Women Are Great Defenders of the HelplessTrue Beauty is Found in a Woman’s StrengthA Strong Woman Can Respect Other Opinions (Even If She Disagrees)

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#gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace? – 072!

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Twitter24FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint25SHARESMy name is Anne and I have a problem: I suffer from wanderlust. I don’t know if I will ever be able to feed the inner monster that has an insatiable appetite to travel to new places—especially traveling solo.

If you are single like me, trying to find a friend who can take time off work and has money for travel planned into their budget at the same time you do is tricky. Never fear! It can be done, and I definitely recommend it, but even if you cannot coordinate with a friend, don’t let that stop you from exploring on your own!

Early in my adult working life, I found myself almost two years into a new job before I realized I hadn’t taken any real vacation time other than long weekends and holiday trips home. Shortly after, I saw an amazing airfare promotion offered during a window of time that was convenient for me. The only problem was that the sale timing didn’t work with any of my friends’ job schedules or budget constraints. I was thrilled to see Chicago included as I perused the list of cities in the deal; I had never been there and always wanted to go. It was the perfect time of year to visit, and before I realized it, I’d bought my ticket.

I’m so glad I did! I had an amazing trip. Of course, I shopped and walked around downtown. I hailed my first cab. I rode a train by myself. I went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and wandered through the adjacent neighborhoods. I went to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field but cheered for the Braves.

After the game, an older man approached me and said he had a son who needed to meet a woman who would go to a ballgame alone. I watched the Monday night Bears game at a local bar and cheered for the Bears with perfectly charming people who lived in the neighborhood near my hotel. I learned a lot about myself in addition to learning a lot about Chicago.

I have a problem: I suffer from wanderlust.

Since that trip, I have had lots of amazing moments traveling by myself—sometimes traveling solo for pleasure and other times capturing moments to explore while traveling alone for business. I would have missed so many wonderful moments if I’d never faced my fear of traveling alone! I’ll never forget a beautiful early morning I spent in Seattle sitting near Pike’s Place drinking a fantastic cup of coffee and eating yummy donuts while watching the fog lift as ships came and went. I’ve walked along both Atlantic and Pacific Coast beaches, taken a morning drive through the Rocky Mountains to a quaint, little town with a mountain lake for a picnic lunch, and even explored Greenwich Village and Central Park in NYC.

If I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone, I would have missed all of these travel memories that are forever preserved on the highlight reel of my life.

If you’re like me and dream of exploring some of this beautiful world, here are 9 tips for planning your own successful solo vacation:1. Decide how much of a plan you need. When I’m on vacation, I don’t like too much of a schedule, but I want to know all my options to make decisions as I go. So I accumulate information before traveling but only make a skeleton outline of my time. I have other friends who would be a complete wreck without a schedule. For some, a combination of the two is best. Decide first how best you will enjoy your trip. You may not know what you prefer until you take your first trip—that’s ok too! You’ll figure it out as you go.

2. Do your homework. The internet is your friend. There is a lot of free information to be had on most locations. Let Google lead you as you start this process. Use social media, Travelocity, and crowdsource recommendations from your friends who may have been where you’re going. Also, paying for information from travel writers can be super helpful. I still love reading travel books from Fodors, Frommers, and others to find off-the-beaten-path ideas.

3. Plan early if you can. If you must request your vacation time well in advance, take advantage of that by watching for the best deals on airfare, rental cars, and hotels. Planning early allows you to save up and plan your budget ahead of time instead of relying on credit cards and accumulating debt. If you’re spontaneous and adventurous, take advantage of last-minute deals available via bargain travel sites.

4. Be wise. As a woman traveling alone, you must stay aware of your surroundings. Don’t allow yourself to be too distracted by digging in your purse, your phone, or other electronics. I don’t believe in being fearful, but I also don’t believe in being careless. In many situations, simply acting like you are headed somewhere on purpose with confidence will eliminate you as a mark for someone who may be looking for an easy victim. (If you are traveling internationally, be sure to check with the state department for any travel warnings for that area).

5. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. The idea is to experience this big, beautiful world. Do something you cannot do where you live.

6. Do the expected things and the unexpected things. Make sure you do some of the things for which that location is famous. What is quintessential in (fill in the blank with your chosen city). It may feel cliché, but for the most part, they are known for those things for a reason. So when you are in Kansas City or Memphis, eat BBQ and go to a honky tonk. Visit the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, shop the Magnificent Mile in Chicago, and go to a Broadway show in NYC.

Also, go somewhere historically significant and learn something you didn’t know before. Look for things the locals do. Spend some unplanned time in nature. Walk around a popular neighborhood and people-watch in the neighborhood coffee shop. Go on a walking tour of haunted houses or take a historical bus tour of a downtown area.

7. Meet people. Just because you are traveling by yourself does not mean you are alone. Talk to people, whether it’s the server at a restaurant, the person sitting next to you at an event or attraction, or your cab driver—pick their brains for things to do.

8. Start small. My first solo trip was four days in Chicago. I don’t recommend filling a week-long vacation by yourself for the first time. For me, it would have been too daunting. But if you feel up for that, go for it!

9. Have fun. I find that being able to roll with the punches is a critically important survival skill. When you are traveling, this is especially true. It’s probably gonna rain on one of the days you planned to be at the beach or the zoo. So, go shopping or to a museum instead. My ability to be flexible is directly connected to my having fun and enjoying my situation.

Traveling solo brings this.

New discoveries not only about the places you visit but you as well. New experiences you would have missed had you not gone. New people and cultures you have been introduced to. There is much to love about the world we live in. Get out there, explore, and enjoy it—even if you have to do it solo!

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You will also like 10 Tips for Packing When You Need to Travel Light, 5 Reasons to Love Being Single, 7 Ways to Get the Most Out of Now, To My Single Friends, and *5 Things You Need to Quit Right Now.

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Twitter793FacebookLinkedIn13PinterestPrint806SHARESA wise friend once told me that before you get married, ask all the couples in your life whom you respect and have a marriage worth emulating what their best marriage advice to you would be.

I thought this was quite brilliant, and I spent the months leading up to my wedding doing just that. My favorite words of wisdom came from my mother-in-law, Pam, who has been happily married for 40 years and who is involved in marriage ministry. She told me four simple words: “Weed your own garden.”

Needing some elaboration, I asked her to explain.She said one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your marriage is to constantly focus on what is wrong with your spouse, on their weaknesses, failures, character flaws, and mistakes. She went on to say that we have enough weeds in our own garden to keep us busy for a lifetime, so look for the good in your spouse, focus on the areas you need to work on, and stop wasting energy on what you think your spouse needs to change.

“Weed your own garden.”

Simple enough, right? Wrong! I discovered it was quite easy to point out the negative in my spouse while naively thinking I was just delightful and smelling of roses and lavender. But the truth is, we all have things that are wrong with us. However, there is only one person in this world that you can change (hint: it’s not your spouse!).

Case in point: when we got married, my husband loved smoking cigars. When we first met I thought it was kind of cool and sexy, maybe even endearing until I realized that this was actually a big addiction and my fear of him dying made me a crazy person. Literally! I pleaded, cried, tried guilting him, etc., but nothing worked! It just drove a huge wedge between us.

Going back to that precious motherly advice, I decided to “pray it on him, not lay it on him.” (Pam’s words again, not mine.) I simply quit bringing up this touchy subject. He knew he needed to quit; he obviously knew how I felt about it since I never missed an opportunity to tell him. Since my elaborate and dramatic speeches got me nowhere, I was actually going to apply those words and “weed my own garden.” Read more on praying for your guy here and here.

I started by reading the book One Day at at Time in Al-Anon as a morning devotional. The book’s main premise is to realize you do not have the power to change someone, you cannot control someone and therefore you cannot let their actions control you either. They have great sayings like “live and let live” and “let go and let God.” It put me in a great mindset and encouraged me to pray and ask God to work on my shortcomings.

Weeding my own garden did two things:1. It gave me the humility to see that I had enough junk in my own life that I didn’t need to point out anyone else’s.

1. It reminded me that I’m not in control over anyone nor can I change anyone—which gave me so much freedom! (And I’m sure him too!)

About six months after I started applying this great truth, my husband came to me and told me he had quit smoking. After I picked my jaw up off the floor and did a happy dance to the internal song playing in my head “Whoomp! There It Is,” I composed myself long enough to ask him, “For how long?” He told me going on three weeks.

That was five months ago. He also shared that when I quit bringing it up and he didn’t feel like he had to hide it from me anymore, his focus switched from guilt and shame and secrecy to a genuine conviction and determination to stop. He didn’t say this, but I realized I had actually been an obstacle to him quitting. When I got out of the way, he was able to take his eyes off the distracting, insane lady waving her arms and crying and stomping like a toddler to actually see the problem clearly.

Marriage is hard even in the best of circumstances.You have two very flawed people coming together in a situation where those flaws have nowhere to hide. You are completely exposed for probably the first time in your life! There is a great quote from Gary Thomas in the book, Sacred Marriage, that basically says most of the time people don’t leave their marriage because of their spouse’s sin, but because of their own. It’s hard to be confronted with all the things that are wrong with us, which is why I think it’s easier for us to point at our spouse’s flaws rather than have the courage to deal with our own.

What we don’t understand is that there is so much beauty in looking for the good in someone instead of the bad. When we take the time to genuinely look at ourselves and what would make us a better person and spouse, we are able to remain humble and empathetic towards others. Freedom from judgement and negativity is absolutely incredible for not only you, but those around you. So whether it’s your spouse or some other relationship you are struggling in, get out those gardening gloves, look up and in instead of out, and start yanking!

You will be better for it and so will your marriage.

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Looking for encouragement, wifey? You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Marriage Matters: Here’s How to Invest in Yours – 062

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Twitter142FacebookLinkedIn9PinterestPrint151SHARESI’m not sure how it is for you, but by the time summer break rolls around, I am absolutely drooling for a slower pace of life. I’m looking for some easy answers, like what I do well, easy slow cooker meals, Between the inevitable crunch of end-of-year activities at school, spring sports seasons coming to a wrap, and trying to keep up with life in general. I am flat-out worn out when summer arrives.

During this season, I always find myself breathing a gigantic sigh of relief. I welcome this change, and I fully prepare my children for the shift in my mindset, telling them that we will be slowing down and living a more mindful life during the lazy days of summer. I plan loungey afternoons at the pool with friends and find myself relaxing on some of those rules that I stick to like glue during the school year. Showering becomes interchangeable with swimming and I drop my typically firm stance on screen time and iPad use, knowing that the draw of the pool and playtime with friends will pull them away from the boring monotony of video games and YouTube in time.

I have compiled an amazing group of 15 recipes that will take the work out of your summer meals.

My personal schedule changes just a bit, too. I find that I sleep a bit later, allowing myself the luxury of not living and dying by my alarm clock. I preserve my quiet time in the morning and try to stick to a regular exercise schedule, but find that my summer workouts are more consistent with my life—a walk with the dog or a bike ride with the kids—instead of an hour at the gym. I slow down my heart and mind and let the ebb and flow of our days be natural and organic.

It’s a gentler kind of season and one that helps us all recharge and prepare for the next one to come.

Summer also brings in a different appetite for all of us. Gone are the days of craving heavy soups, stews, and chilis. Despite the fact that cooking is my thing and that my kitchen is my happy place, I also find that I have less of a desire to slave away over a hot stove and more of a need for quick yet delicious meals. Not to mention it’s 100 degrees here in Texas, and no one wants to crank that oven up and further instigate the heat problem.

And this is where the Instant Pot and Slow Cooker come in. Normally reserved in my house for wintertime chili, I have learned to make this my summertime kitchen BFF too. I love to throw something together and then run out to the pool or the lake, knowing that when we come back there will be a tasty meal ready and waiting for us. They are an all-purpose kitchen helper and a summer must-have for family meals.

To make things even easier for you, I have compiled an amazing group of 15 recipes that will take the work out of your summer

meals. So feel free to go back to the pool. Enjoy the lazy days of your summer. Your family dinner doesn’t have to suffer. Just use some ingenuity, these recipes, and a handy kitchen helper, and you’ll all be happy and relaxed by the end of the day.

1. Instant Pot Korean Chicken Thighs

2. Pressure Cooker Mexican Pulled Pork

3. BBQ Pulled Chicken Sandwiches

4. Slow Cooker Coca-Cola BBQ Ribs

5. Instant Pot Crack Chicken (for sandwiches or salads)

6. Instant Pot Chicken Parmesan

7. Healthy Slow Cooker Chicken and Green Bean Casserole

8. 3 Ingredient Slow Cooker Shredded Beef

9. Easy Crock Pot Stuffed Peppers

10. Instant Pot Buffalo Chicken Meatballs

11. Easy Slow Cooker Ranch Chicken

12. Slow Cooker Marinara Sauce

13. Slow Cooker Beef Bourguignon

14. Slow Cooker Island Pulled Pork

15. Slow Cooker Butter Chicken

—
Need a laugh? Give our recent podcast episode a listen: Funny Things Women Say (and What They Really Mean) – 038.

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Twitter14FacebookLinkedIn8PinterestPrint22SHARESSo a large majority of your friends are married and you are not. Do you celebrate because you dodged the bullet or do you pine because you hate being alone? Do you dread the next plus one event or do you land at the door ready to have a good time, with or without that extra human by your side?

Being single is neither a malady nor a deficiency; it’s just a place in life. And it can be a really good place. Here are 5 ways to make sure you love your single life:

1. Don’t wait for life; live life. Remove the sentence, “I will (move, travel, buy a house, change careers) when I find that perfect (whatever that may be).”

2. Find free, frittering friends. Friends that are free enough to take that spontaneous trip or share that movie-binging, popcorn-eating weekend.

3. Don’t take the bait. When well-intentioned, married friends want to go down the how-to-not-be-single road, change the subject. Take a bathroom break. Just don’t go there.

4. Create your “family” structure. Identify your safety net for help when you need it and be theirs too.

5. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. If you don’t believe you’re at a disadvantage in life, others won’t either.

Make the most of life exactly where you are. There are many things that you can do, see, or be that you will never be able to do with that permanent plus one, so head out that door and get ‘er done.

—
You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Do the Words “Grit” and “Grace” Actually Mean? – 117

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Twitter1.6kFacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint1.6kSHARESI slowly lifted my index finger parallel to my eyelash and blinked. My auburn lashes were clean. No leftover mascara remained. That meant I had washed my face and possibly pulled it together before falling into bed. The perfectly appointed midnight blue monogram on my J. Crew pajamas, wrinkled against my tired body, was a positive sign that my faux façade was in place. The bow on this sloppy package was neatly tied. Thank God I gave up wine for Lent. Substituting vodka seemed to be going swimmingly.

The light peeked into my bedroom through the half-drawn shutters. It was deafeningly quiet, which meant it was early on a Sunday morning. I squinted to see across the room to the quiet cove that is my safe haven. It’s adorned with two nailhead trimmed, plaid club chairs, acquired from The Oklahoma Theta House—a purchase I was giddy about, given their sentimental value. Layered under the chairs is a vintage Turkish rug that I dream has a mysterious past life from a faraway land. It’s an inviting spot to read, journal, and daydream plans for the future.

This morning, that delightful space looked anything but warm and cozy. It was cold and empty. Even the poised karate-chopped accent pillows were lonely. The spring sunshine spilling through the windows faded into muted tones like a bleak winter’s day.

I was desperately searching for the time, already wishing I could turn back the clock. My antique crystal timepiece sits among a trio of treasures. My most precious memento resides there, the last penned note from my late father where the cursive black ink dances effortlessly across the pure white paper: “Lindsey, I love you. Dad,” along with his childhood Bible. Things I would save from fire.

How disappointed he would be if he could see his little red-headed light laying in a puddle of shame and guilt over her struggle with alcohol.

I savor good memories, sweet keepsakes and especially sacred treasures, but I seemed to be leading my children to a treasure trove of quite the opposite left behind of my life. I was putting them on a fast track to a dismal future on a therapist’s sofa talking about their washed up mother.

I slid my foot over to touch my husband’s and could instantly tell by his lukewarm reaction that he was disappointed. Disgusted. And then there was my face. My face was sore, so sore. I opened my mouth and it felt like I had been hit by a baseball bat. I had no recollection of the night before.

I desperately needed to check my phone. It always helped me be the smartest detective in my own investigative series. Certainly I could piece together the end of the day with my device.

All the previous times I had made a fool of myself—and there had been many—I could mitigate my way out. If I was dumb and drunk, there was always someone dumb and drunk with me. I didn’t typically go at this rodeo alone. I knew the drill: I would drink some coffee, make some apologies, laugh it off with friends, and it would all be okay.

But this day was different.

How Did I Become This Woman?I felt empty. I was scared. I had blacked out. I was a shell of myself, desperately wanting it all to be different. And on this particular Sunday morning, I didn’t have the energy to devise a plan out of this mess. And damnit, I still couldn’t figure out what the hell had happened the day before.

That Saturday morning, I had very respectably layered a Ted Baker blazer over a dress paired with heels and stacked on all my sentimental, shiny jewelry. I traveled downtown to celebrate my childhood bestie and the anticipated arrival of her precious daughter. I was a wife and a mother of two young children going to a sophisticated wine bar for brunch.

Nothing illicit was going on. To my knowledge, there were no bar fights. This should not have ended in remorse and regret.

My nearly 40-year-old self was everything my 20-year-old self despised. I had done all the things I pitied. I was dishonest, had no self-worth, drank excessively, didn’t contribute anything financially, was a sorry excuse for a stay-at-home-mom, and blamed it all on suddenly losing my dad as a teenager. I was self-indulgent, self-centered, and barely faking it through the days. I was a wounded bird. I had become someone I didn’t recognize, everything I pray my daughter never becomes.

My nearly 40-year-old self was everything my 20-year-old self despised…someone I didn’t recognize, everything I pray my daughter never becomes.

In my younger years, I had been so confident, genuine, honest, faithful. When did I quit? When did I lose myself? Who was this woman pretending to be something she so clearly wasn’t?

That morning, my most precious five-year-old son asked what happened to my face. He wanted to know why there had been blood. I didn’t have an answer for him. While my husband had gone to pick-up dinner, my son found me by my nightstand covered in blood, and after deductive reasoning, I think I tripped and hit my head. I had no recollection of any of these events. All I knew was I had a cut and bruises on my face and for the first time, the mirror reflected what I could no longer hide behind my lipstick and big red hair.

But I was confused. I wasn’t a bum under a bridge, drinking out of a paper bag. Why had this become a problem? I was a sophisticated, college educated woman that enjoyed dirty martinis, wine, and beer on game days. I didn’t drink in the morning. I didn’t drink every day. Sure, I had some embarrassing moments under my belt, but I hadn’t had my children taken away, never gotten a DUI, and didn’t lose a job. I had never been arrested or hospitalized, and for the most part, I was doing what other moms around me were doing. Drinking a lot. Drinking a whole lot.

Despite any reason I could have used to explain this episode away, I had just looked my innocent child in the eyes and could offer him no comfort as to what happened to my face.

With Strong Women By My Side, I Made a PlanI made my bed and took a shower hoping to wash the shame down the drain. My mom came over and started doing what moms do—fix things. She offers a sense of peace to all of us. She’s the strongest woman I know by lifetimes. She can put on a hazmat suit and sterilize the most infected situations. She just handles life like a boss. She takes no prisoners. Do what you need to do and move on.

She fluffed the pillows that day, wiped down the counter tops, and made my kids think what had been going on inside our home was normal. It wasn’t. It was far from it.

I sent out a desperate plea to my best friend. I need help. Not the friend I’ve known the longest, not the one I have a million funny stories where she’s the co-star, not the one that was a bridesmaid in my wedding or in the waiting room when my babies were born. But the one that was so perfectly placed in my life when I needed her most.

The friend that quickly learned my preferences and vulnerabilities, alike. The one that didn’t tell me what I needed to do during the firestorm of the previous months as all the drinking intensified. The one that didn’t judge my behavior, the one that didn’t remind me how much time she’d spent cleaning up my messes and helping me stand when I couldn’t on my own.

She’s the one that so selflessly held my hand and knew I was broken. I was shattered into a million little pieces. She knew I didn’t get here by chance, and it didn’t happen over night. I had hit rock bottom. She told me to breathe, and it would be okay. She never left my side. She didn’t need time for herself. She didn’t need space. She didn’t ask what she could do to help me, she just did it.

She showed up. She prayed. She told me Christ died on the cross to save me from my sins. Yes, even this awful mess and these reckless decisions. And there had been many before this day. She meant every word. She said, “Surrender this pain, and leave it at the foot of the cross.”

Before the afternoon, an army of beautiful, strong women sat in my bed talking me through options. I wasn’t sure how to fix the problem but knew the method I was currently using to cope wasn’t working. I also knew we couldn’t afford a spa-like retreat where we did yoga and talked about our broken childhood to get to the bottom of my issues. And even if money wasn’t an obstacle, I couldn’t accept that as an option. Using my family’s money to fix my brokenness felt unfair.

I sat on my bed and cried, teetering back and forth between tears and a “Steel Magnolias” moment when Sally Field’s character, M’Lynn, straightens up and says, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” And just like M’Lynn, a broken mother, I wasn’t fine. My heart was torn in two. My soul was damaged and hurt, and I was limping through life. Living in a fantasy land was no longer fine. I had opened the door too wide to turn back. The dark corners were now visible in broad daylight and the gig was up. No one was getting out of that bed until a game plan was made.

Then, Reality Began to Sink InI made a phone call to The Magdalen House and secured a spot for a two-week stay in their social detox facility. Rehab. No, it wasn’t nearly as easy as it sounds.

It felt like a direct call to God admitting I had royally screwed up this time and was awaiting my fate. The answer was, “Pack your bags, sister. It’s time.” I wasn’t sure what it was time to do, but I accepted that I needed help, deserved help, and so did my family and friends. God had more in my plan book than riding through this life on a wave of chardonnay. It was time to break this chain and take back a fulfilling life of love, dignity, and peace.

Sarah and I stood in my closet as I cried and packed my belongings. How was I going to leave my children for two weeks? What was I going to tell them? What do you pack for rehab? What is rehab? I was so out of my comfort zone and frightened. I was still half drunk, thankfully.

I’ve never said goodbyes this gut-wrenchingly difficult. I had never been away from my kids for two weeks. They were scared. I was scared. We weren’t exactly forthcoming on where I was going, but they’re smart enough to know it felt chaotic and unpleasant. Earlier in my marriage, I had an identity as a traveling career woman. My husband and I had spent weeks apart in different countries, on opposite sides of the globe. It wasn’t that we couldn’t be apart, but leaving him with the burden of running our household on the thrust of disappointment and sadness was crushing.

God had more in my plan book than riding through this life on a wave of chardonnay. It was time to break this chain and take back a fulfilling life of love, dignity, and peace.

My 15-year-old dog was probably not going to make it two more weeks in his ailing state. I knew that would be my last goodbye to him. I just instinctively knew. I think he knew, too. I was his person. He slept curled up next to me whether I was sober or three sheets to the wind. He didn’t care. He didn’t judge.

The guilt sat on my chest like an enormous elephant. I had let all the feelings of abandonment I carried, tucked neatly into my satchel of life, seep out like blood getting everywhere and on everyone I cared most about. My dad’s departure left me feeling like a lost soul searching high and low for answers and keys to locks that I could never find. And ironically, I had the wash cycle on repeat, abandoning my own children as I selfishly masked and numbed with alcohol.

I Uncovered My Pain, My Struggle with Alcohol and Embraced the LightThe ride to rehab felt endless. The 30-minute southbound drive felt like we were attempting a trek across the Mojave Desert. What loose ends should I tie up on my way? I was conflicted between the need to pray, call my brother and tell him it all came crashing down, and mindlessly scrolling social media one last time. Not enough time to do anything, yet entirely too much time left alone with my pitiful thoughts.

A dear friend and angel on earth offered to take me to The Magdalen House. It was a task my husband and mom couldn’t bear. My other angels were whisking away my children from the crime scene. Along the journey, Earlene and I talked sporadically. I told her I didn’t know how I got here. In some ways, I knew exactly how I got there, and in others, it all felt surreal and confusing.

The previous 21 years, after the loss of my dad, I wrestled with the peculiar way suicide left me feeling. Suicide is abandonment at its pinnacle, which felt very personal and directed towards me. I was the apple of my daddy’s eye, so why wasn’t I enough to stay? How could he leave this earth with me still standing in it?

Taking your life is the end result of a severe mental illness that most of us cannot comprehend. But that’s rationalizing irrational behavior, which is like trying to build a sandcastle without sand. It felt like a dagger directly to my heart, and accepting my dad was very ill as the answer was incredibly difficult.

Shortly after losing my father, I boxed up all those emotions and put them on the top shelf and went off to college. With those emotions, I also boxed up my passions, my gifts, and my drive. The person that had given me approval and continued encouragement was gone.

Who would I look toward now? Who was going to give me the wink to keep going? I put my head down and started the path to being an adult. In the light of day, I went on like the other sorority girls with whom I had built strong friendships, made the dean’s list, and had a boisterous party life. But in the dark night and deep in my soul was infinite sadness.

My deep, deep hurt and yearning for life to look different consumed me. My dad was my hero. I looked identical to him. He had quirky nuances, dressed impeccably, and was everyone’s best friend. He was well-liked, genuine, and kind. He went against the grain just enough to be a tad different than the norm. My father’s approval gave me self-worth.

I wrote a comparison paper in the fourth grade evaluating the American-made Cadillac to the German-produced BMW. He shared it with a work colleague, and that validated it. That meant everything to me. It was good enough to make him proud. I looked for his bright smile in the stands when I nailed a tumbling pass. I ran all big ideas and dreams past him. He gave me his well-thought-out critiques. He offered sound advice. He was always my go ahead, pass go, approving nod.

Earlene told me there might be women at Maggie’s that look differently than me or have a different story. She suggested I try to be open-minded and learn something from each one of them. We all have a story, and we are all hurt in some way. Just because some of our roads have been less bumpy or more glamorous doesn’t make anyone any better or any worse.

Just because some of our roads have been less bumpy or more glamorous doesn’t make anyone any better or any worse.

I nodded my head in agreement and began to process what she meant. I was about to descend on a place full of women not nearly as monetarily privileged as me. These would likely be women that don’t drink twenty-dollar glasses of wine with their Wednesday lunch. They don’t go shopping to fill their excess spare time. But like me, they have seen hard roads and dark days. When we’re stripped of all the outside layers, we can get to the real sweetness of the fruit.

It was in that moment, the light went on for me. I realized that no matter how perfect it might appear on the outside, the inside can be very dark and damaged. The dry cleaning bag can be full of designer pieces, but that won’t fill the closet of your heart. My dad worked his hardest to make things appear shinier than they were. He masked and numbed in his own way.

I was desperately attempting the same way of life. I said “yes” to loads of joyless busywork. I thought that would reap happiness, approval, admiration, fulfillment, and a blinding bright light of life. It kept me from being still and uncovering what was making me so unhappy and empty. I was a banker’s wife, preschool PTO president, room mom, party hostess, church volunteer, and tried my best to do it all with a smile and perfect attention to detail. But as hard as I worked to build the picture-perfect life, I was also working just as hard to tear it all down.

My Journey Is Beautiful and Hard, But I’m Grateful It’s All MineI surrendered at Maggie’s, both physically and figuratively. I gave up my bag, my books, and my belongings, and laid down my hurt and shame and walked into freedom. On Monday morning, I began to heal. I didn’t just get sober and quit drinking. I began uncovering what I was running from. I confronted my fears. I identified my wrongs. I pulled back the bandage that was poorly keeping the wound closed. I began to take my selfishness out of every equation. I saw that the ways I had felt hurt and disappointed had nothing to do with me.

Yes, they involved me, but how I was navigating life in a reactionary position was not noteworthy. I began a beautiful spiritual journey. I Windexed the window to God. I could see light and feel joy, contentment, and happiness that I don’t ever recall feeling. It’s impossible to take care of others until you take care of yourself. I could no longer get by pretending to be all the things to all the people without taking care of me.

I lifted my head and began living life again. I was owning my obstacles. I was embracing my hardships and also celebrating my victories. Without alcohol, I feel all of life in high definition. The sweet moments have an extra cherry on top. The hard moments put an extra lump in my throat. But each day is crystal clear and comes at me with full clarity.

Working the 12 spiritual steps has helped me tidy my moral inventory. I’m continuing to work the steps each day, which keeps my path to God clear. That doesn’t mean every day is a walk in the park. But I face each day with gratitude and thanks for all my blessings. I put my energy and focus into people that produce light. My relationships with my children and husband are stronger, happier, and more joy-filled. This journey is beautiful and hard and full of treasures, and it’s all mine.

Great trials and immense sadness guided me to the brilliant light that shines so effortlessly on my deepest passions. The journey is gradually leading me to my profound purpose on this earth and allowing my God-given talents to serve the world around me.

For a great book on addiction recovery go to Caroline Beidler’s site for The Downstairs Church, Finding Hope in the Grit of Addiction and Trauma of Recovery.

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Why Strong Women Can (and Should) Rebuild Themselves with Molly Stillman – 125

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Twitter375FacebookLinkedIn25PinterestPrint400SHARESYou’re reading this because there is something in your life that you have an inkling you need to let go of. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a dream, or a life path, you know you really shouldn’t be involved in it anymore. It just doesn’t feel right, but you aren’t sure what to do about it. You may be quitting but not failing.

I don’t know about you, but I have a million “don’t quit” mantras in my head that make quitting feel the same as failing. They all say that if I choose to end something in my life, I am a failure. When you think of yourself as a strong woman, quitter doesn’t play into that description.

Having perseverance is a wonderful, necessary quality for success, but it only works efficiently if you also possess the ability to know when it’s time to give it up.

I know you’re probably waiting for a crystal clear answer, and it would be so much easier if life could yell at you, “Okay, it’s time to quit now!” But it doesn’t. Only you can answer that question for yourself.

How to Know When You’re Quitting but Not Failing1. When you keep going just because you put so much into it.It’s okay to acknowledge that you put a lot into it. Even if you were all-in and your blood, sweat, and tears are involved, you are hurting yourself if this is the main reason why you won’t give it up now. You’re hanging on to the past as if it will somehow affect your present or your future. It won’t. If you are living in the past, it’s difficult to ever get ahead. The truth is that all is not lost because you have gained some life lessons from the experience.

1. When your priorities change.Life doesn’t stay the same, and the dreams and plans that go along with it can change over time. Sometimes our priorities change, yet we keep following the same behavior, not realizing that it isn’t really a priority in our life anymore.

Have you ever been listening to annoying children’s music in the car, only to realize you dropped the kids off an hour ago? You could have been listening to your own music the whole time. That sometimes happens with our entire life if we don’t pay attention. If you are acting on autopilot, it’s time to sit down and take a long look at what things in your life are still serving the original purpose and which ones are just flying under the no-longer-needed radar.

1. When your why is wrong.Ask yourself: if no one had any say or opinion in your choice to quit or keep going, what would I do? Honey, there’s your answer! If you aren’t letting this go because you don’t want to disappoint someone else or you’re afraid of what someone else will think, it’s time to quit—both whatever you are doing and your need to please at your own expense.

2. When you realize that it’s never going to get better (nothing is going to change).You’ve tried, and you’ve tried, and you’ve tried again. Every angle; every option you have pursued to try to make this work has yielded the same result. You know the definition of insanity. Stop trying to convince yourself that it will work on the next try. Either invest in someone who can help you view and attack this from a different angle or let it go.

3. When it’s sucking the life out of you.Hard work is so rewarding when it yields good fruit. The ability to persevere through tough times is a necessary quality for success in all areas of your life. So is the ability to discern when you are on a treadmill for no good reason. You know when something energizes you, or it drains you. Energy producing activities or people stimulate creativity and enjoyment. When you are dreading, dragging, and procrastinating every time you think of tackling this issue, you have to realize that it is emotionally draining you. And the question is: is it worth your emotional health?

4. When more work won’t bring more success.My sister and I once owned a business that was just not working. The plan was flawed, and we figured out (finally admitted) later than we should have, that no matter how hard we worked on this business, it was not going to be a success. We made the difficult decision to quit, despite all that had been invested. It was the best decision because it made room in our lives for better opportunities. And the bonus is that we were able to tackle these opportunities with some extra wisdom under our belt. Just like continuing to try the same thing over and over is an exercise in futility, so is throwing harder work into something that can’t yield anything more.

Quitting isn’t an end. Strong women, remember this you may be quitting but not failing. It’s an opportunity to open a new door if you can bring yourself to close this one that isn’t working for you anymore.

—Are you quitting because your life feels stagnant and you need a change? Check out this podcast to learn how to tackle those emotional roadblocks: You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck Anymore – 160

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Twitter38FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint38SHARESAre you dating someone or looking to date? Regardless of where you might be in those two categories, it’s never too late to evaluate whether your potential life partner is a keeper.

In this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender outline what characteristics you need to look out for—both the red flags and the green flags—so you can quickly identify whether your man is a keeper, or someone who should see the door.

Quote of the episode:

“If we want to be a keeper, we need to have the same attributes we’re looking for in them.” —Darlene Brock

ResourcesMentions:—Why Hasn’t Your Boyfriend Proposed or Set a Date? With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 140
—”Is Your Man a Never-Fiancé, Forever-Fiancé, or The One?”
—View Caroline’s Instagram reel: “I Have a Broken Picker”

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Twitter92FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint92SHARESBabies on planes. Just the thought gives child-free folks a headache and parents anxiety—especially those who are bringing their little one on board an aircraft for the first time. Even though I’m a flight attendant, I still felt serious anxiety taking our 4-month-old baby on his first international trip. After three years of border closures, however, my husband and I couldn’t contain ourselves any longer: we had to get to Japan. I’m here to share some tips that’ll help parents take their little one on their first long-haul flight, no matter the destination.

How To : International Travel with a Baby1. Set yourself up for success when packing.

I gave myself a minimum of one full day for packing, but started the process days prior with some visualization. Visualize your trip in a quiet place, when you’ve had some rest, if possible, and then make your packing list. I never try to figure out everything I’m going to need while I’m packing. I let my brain do the work first, visualizing everything from the car ride to the airport to arrival at our accommodations, aiming to envision all we’d need.

A nice rule of thumb when packing is to never assume you’re going to find exactly what you need out in the world. While it sounds cynical, passengers who assume an airport or airline have dietary specific snacks, like gluten- or sugar-free products, or other provisions, like milk for babies, are often sorely disappointed.

If there is anything you or your child are going to need, it’ll be a pleasant surprise if it’s provided, but just assume as the primary caregiver that you’re the one who is going to make sure your child’s needs are met. It’s frustrating as a paying customer on a flight to find out my child can’t get the gluten-free snack they need, but at the same time, I never want to be the mom who came unprepared.

2. Do your destination specific research.

Japan was absolutely dreamy for new moms, complete with nursing rooms and baby centers in every mall, shopping center, or major train station. Before leaving the United States, I downloaded an app telling me where all these locations were. I googled breastfeeding culture there to see if I could feed comfortably in public.

One thing I forgot to research was diapers. The area we stayed in Yokohama for the first half of the trip was catered to tourists and not the suburban life, so diapers were actually tough to find in stores! Have your smartphone ready to google the size conversion for diapers and ensure you’re buying the right size, as most of the world is going to be notating your child’s weight in kilograms.

There are other destination specific things to google, like mosquitoes potentially carrying infectious diseases, water quality, or simply the amenities your resort will have for the kiddos. While it seems like common sense, we cannot assume our destination has the provisions and amenities we love from back home, so it’s best to mentally prepare.

3. Give yourself extra EXTRA time to get to the airport.

We knew we were dealing with something new having a baby with us, so we wanted to give ourselves the most time to not be stressed through security and getting to our gate. Our lounge access offered through the Priority Pass card came in handy when we arrived early enough to go have breakfast after security.

If you travel frequently enough, getting a credit card including Priority Pass or other lounge access is going to be a lifesaver when you’re searching for a place of respite in the airport, especially if you have long sits or layovers. If you’re not familiar with your airport, giving yourself two hours from the start of going through security is typically a safe bet. Holidays, airport construction, random life things might cause delays, so plan accordingly. Also, consider what might be happening at your destination when you land, because that’ll impact the travelers on board, too.

4. Check your airline’s policy about gate checking strollers and car seats.

Typically, most airlines gate check strollers for free, but may not accept larger strollers like twin strollers. We bought a bright red, cheap and ugly canvas bag on Amazon that contained the stroller when we left it with the baggage handlers at the boarding door.

We also checked one bag but brought one on board with us. I prefer to split all my belongings between these two bags, having a change of clothes for myself, my husband, and the baby just in case something happens to our checked bag. We also packed extra shirts for mom and dad as well as baby clothes in case there was a diaper blowout and we got hit! A friend of mine mentioned how her stroller bag also had extra compartments for items, so they loaded it up before gate checking it.

5. Feed your baby on takeoff and landing.

This is another super practical tip I heard more than once and utilized. Babies can’t regulate the pressure in their ears, so help them out by having them swallow milk, juice, or something age appropriate they can consume to compensate for the pressurization. On the descent, typically starting around 45 minutes before landing, it’s especially important to make sure the baby is drinking something, as this is when kids commonly start screaming with ear pain.

6. Make sure you ask for and accept help.

On our Japan flight with our 4-month-old, multiple grandmas, moms, and even a pediatrician offered to help out with the little man. We were blessed to be surrounded by fellow passengers who expressed empathy and support for our journey with the little guy. More than once when he got quiet in my arms, I saw he’d reached over and was holding the finger of the girl sitting next to me. Thankfully, she loved babies, and he loved her right back!

7. Finally, remember to hold expectations loosely.

Nothing is going “wrong” if you don’t have a “right way” for things to go. I took up this mantra when I let my son—clutch your pearls—watch a movie on the seatback monitor. His life is device free, but at some point in the ten-hour flight, I decided it wouldn’t be the worst thing if he saw “Inside Out” so I could shut my eyes.

Every moment of the journey is a new chance to learn something about yourself, your baby, or the people and environment around you. The best thing you can be is fully present in every moment. Don’t be mentally back in that chaotic security line or already hours ahead wishing you were on that beach somewhere, not when you can play or cuddle mid-flight with your baby who will never be the same age twice. It’s a lesson in mindfulness and self-control, a real-life lesson in focusing on the journey more than the destination. Traveling with a baby, above all else, is a crash course in appreciating each precious moment.

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You’ll also enjoy this Grit and Grace Life podcast episode: Don’t Be Afraid to Be a Different Kind of Mom! with Helen Smallbone – 191

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Twitter22FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint23SHARESI grew up in a church that led their spiritual conversation by giving you rules—what you can’t do as a Christian. There was a lot for this teen girl in northern Indiana. We weren’t supposed to dance, play cards, wear miniskirts, smoke, drink, or cuss. And soon to make the list—drugs, because they were relatively new to the American culture. It was a season of darkness, both in the church and the culture that surrounded it.

So, every weekend, I parked the rules at the door as I left my home to be with my friends. My mother’s Bible verse of choice for me as I walked out the door, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” When putting my key in the ignition of my Ford Galaxy, my mumbling response was, “Then I’m going to make those sins count.”

Are You Using Your Head or Your Heart?In those years, there seemed to be so much emphasis on what you should or should not do, not whom you should love. It’s not that the Bible wasn’t inserted into all conversations. It was. Bible drills and memorization were all part of my Christian education. While I am sure many didn’t mean it to be, what was emphasized was head, not heart.

It was years later that I learned what faith should look like. After walking away from all I was taught, I clawed my way back through periods of spiritual immaturity to spiritual arrogance and finally to an understanding that faith was not based on rules. It was not knowledge. Our faith in Jesus is founded and lived on knowing and loving Him.

Here I am today in my spiritual journey realizing the world once again feels dark. The pain and anger are palpable. The division is vast. That is not how God designed us nor how He wants us to live. There must be hope offered, and it is on us to offer it. It is ours to affect the communities in which we live. Ours to offer something new, yet old and real. But not in the way we often do.

When we focus on the peripheral, we lose our place in culture. The light we are called to demonstrate becomes dim, and the salt we should be is diluted. When we think we hold back sin and bring light to the darkness by making rules or spouting faith platitudes, it does exactly the opposite. It’s when we live in and show the love of Christ that we are truly light and salt.

Do we deny God’s standards? Do we ignore the text in the multitude of memorized and often spouted verses? Of course not. They are there to guide us, lead us into surrender and admission of our sins, and accept the one covering all sins.

But we must focus first and always on relationships—with Christ and others. When the Pharisees (the religious leaders of the time) asked what the most important commandment was, Jesus’ answer was this: “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40).

How To Make God Proud when We DisagreeLoving the Lord means seeking to live in a way that honors Him. But not because there are rules to follow but because there is a love that wants to please, to make the God who died for us smile in approval. We become like a child beaming with delight when told they did well by their mother or father saying, “good job, I’m proud of you. “It is the same with our heavenly Father.

What makes Him proud of us, you wonder? It starts with our unconditional love for others. It’s how he loved us and loves us still. There is no barrier between us and the open door of a loving God. He seeks us, He faithfully draws us exactly as we are without demands or expectations. He is only seeking a relationship for us to give Him our hearts.

Should we not do the same for all others? Are we to only love those we are comfortable with, who seem more like us culturally or philosophically? He didn’t. Neither should we.

What makes Him proud of us, you wonder? It starts with our unconditional love for others.

We spend so much time looking at the sin, not the person lost in it. During the years I was running as far from my faith as I could, I was tired of having my sins pointed out. I wished there was someone who saw me. The defiant teen who, high one night in the middle of a religious conversation, stated, “Jesus is the only answer.” Not because I lived it but because my heart knew the truth even if I didn’t want to be a part of the “club” of rules.

Look to LoveIf we look at this world of darkness doing nothing but fighting individual sins, we do not love those living under its control. Nor are we remembering we are sinners as well. No different than those we may unreasonably and mistakenly feel better than. We must remember that the only way to dimmish the darkness is to be light. The only way to preserve truth is to be salt. The only way to draw others is to be as He is.

May we truly live and love as our Savior: not being afraid of those who are not like Him. Because that’s where we find those who hurt, and the broken hearts without hope. We found hope; shouldn’t they, too? As your relationship with Him grows, so will your relationship with others. They need us. Not to accuse and offer rules but to build relationships. It is then and only then that the darkness will dispel.

—
Not sure how to raise your kids to communicate with those who disagree with them? Dr. Jim Denison shares his advice here: How Do I Raise My Kids when the Culture and Bible Collide? with Dr. Jim Denison – 177

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TwitterFacebookLinkedIn10PinterestPrint10SHARESI often find myself strolling around our property and through my gardens. This is where I find peace, quiet, solace, and spend the majority of the time talking with God. It fills my heart and soul to watch these labors of love become something of beauty, especially in the spring when trees are just starting to bud. My tulips are blooming, bringing beautiful colors to the landscape, and my hostas are poking their pointy heads up. Like most of us, they are reaching through the darkness of the dirt in search of the promise of warmer weather and sunshine.

As I walk through the gardens, my heart is filled in other ways as well. I see trees from a Christmas past—planted with the help of the little hands of my boys—growing strong. There are plants, trees, shrubs, and rose bushes given as gifts from friends and family. As I stroll, I find myself being reminded of each person represented by those living gifts and lifting them in prayer.

One of the most precious monuments in my garden are the stepping stones my children and I have made over the years. Some are the hand prints of my kids with the date, the hand prints of nieces and nephews, quotes and favorite sayings, pets’ names, and even leaf prints. One of them holds the shards of pottery from a beautiful and beloved, yet broken, coffee cup. I have also given these as wedding gifts with the name of the couple and the date of their wedding. We even made one for my friend after she lost her father. She had traced his hand before he died, so we took a copy of it, put it on cardboard and used it to make the imprint.

Seeing these in my garden and around my house brings back precious memories and smiles to my face and in my heart. Smiles and joy in the milestones and memories of life—that is what I want for you, my friend. This is such a fun project to do with the kids in your life, your friends, or even your book club. So, I thought I would share with you the simple and easy way I have made my stepping stones over the years.

First, you will need to gather your materials:1. Concrete mix
2. A large bucket or wheelbarrow
3. Shovel or large paint stick for stirring (I have also used large wooden or metal spoons purchased at the dollar store.)
4. Mold forms. I have used everything from old pizza boxes, disposable pans, and even shaped cake pans purchased at thrift stores. Just keep in mind that whatever your mold, it should be at least an inch thick for sturdiness. You can even use a pair of rubber gloves filled with cement. Molds are also available for purchase in various craft stores or online.
5. Decorative stones, broken pottery, leaves, or children’s hands and feet. You can also purchase plastic letter stamps specifically for making stepping stones.
6. A tarp or painter’s plastic sheeting
7. Cooking spray
8. Concrete sealer (optional)

If you are planning on making several stones at one time you can use a bag of mix. Sometimes, though, I make only one at a time so I buy a resealable bucket of Quikrete mix. Both options can be found at your local Home Depot or Lowe’s.

A word of caution: this is an outside project, so don’t try doing it on your great grandmother’s dining room table.

Now, let’s get this party started….1. Lay your tarp or painter’s plastic on a flat surface (outside). If you have a folding table or a piece of plywood and a couple of sawhorses, that would work great. Otherwise the ground will do.

2. Set up your molds and spray them well with cooking oil.

3. Dump your bag of concrete mix into a wheelbarrow if you are making a batch of stepping stones, or some of the dry mix from the resealable bucket into your mixing container if you’re only making a couple.

4. Add water. This part can be tricky. You want your mix to be the consistency of mud, like the pies you made when you were little. So I add just a little at a time stirring it in well.

5. Once your mud is ready, use a small shovel to scoop the mix into the molds. After your mold is about half full, without picking it up, give it a gentle shake from side to side to make sure you don’t have any air bubbles. Do this again when your mold is full.

6. Alright here is where you get creative…embrace it and let it flow. Press the materials of your choosing onto the mix.

7. Once you have made all your stones, it’s time for clean-up. Make sure you thoroughly wash your tools with a hose, as you don’t want any concrete to harden on them.

Now is the hard part—waiting patiently for them to cure. I have to admit, this part is pretty tough for me.

It will take about 48 hours for them to dry enough to be removed from their molds. If you chose to use sealer, you will use a small paintbrush to apply, following the directions on the can. Personally, I like to use the sealer to make them a little shinier. If you plan on using them as true stepping stones give them about a week before you walk on them. I must say that most of mine are scattered throughout my gardens as decorations. Although a few of the leaf molds have made their way inside to be use as soap holders.

If you’re finding yourself with a little extra time at home, this would be a fun project to do! You can even leave some stones on your friends’ porches to surprise them. You could even host an online party that includes this article, and then post pictures of everyone’s finished product. There are endless possibilities.

Most of all, have fun getting a little gritty and show yourself a little grace by remembering that they don’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.

—
If you’re in a season of reflection, you’ll enjoy this podcast episode: How to Embrace Love in Every Season With Debra Fileta – 123

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Twitter56FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint56SHARESI have taken two extended European trips, one with a band that I managed and the second with my two daughters. The first was work getting to each city where concerts were to be performed. The other is a promise I made to my daughters when they were small that we would do when grown. On both trips, we traversed the European landscape on the Eurail, an exercise that taught me a crucial lesson: always travel light. This rail system is amazing yet waits for no one, whether it is creatives or young women, complicating getting on and off with belongings in tow.

I learned this from traveling with musicians on the first trip; it is insane to lug two suitcases each. I didn’t bring two, but every boy in the band did. One member had a case entirely filled with shoes. After almost missing trains and the inability to exit quickly, I determined that this was something I never ever wanted to see happen again. So when the three Brock girls were planning a mother-daughter trip to Europe, traveling light was the goal.

My dictate was to bring one suitcase for each of us. It would cover two weeks in four countries—including nights out, hiking trips, and varied temperatures. Pulling that off required a lot of research and difficult decisions, but we managed and were thankful we made the decisions we did.

Here are my best 10 tips to travel light:1. Don’t pack things you can buy at your destination. Shopping in other cities or countries is part of the fun, so decide to leave room in your suitcase for those special purchases.

2. Limit your shoes. Do you know how heavy shoes can be? I found out while trying to assist in getting that one bag of shoes on a train before it left the station. Check out the weather for sure, but in general, a great pair of walking shoes, flip-flops you can wear in showers and on the street, and one pair of dress-up shoes is all you need. This is not the time to break in anything new; whether it’s day or night, you will be walking and exploring, so make sure every pair you bring is comfortable.

3. Restrict your gadgets. I generally carry a phone, tablet, and computer for short-term travel. But when on an adventure trip, there are sites to see and experiences to embrace. Take your phone to be reachable (make sure it’s on an international plan if that’s where your trip takes you) and take photos. You can check back into life via gadgets when you get home.

4. Wrinkle-free is your friend. When you are traveling through four countries, various climates, and experiences, you want to be able to throw clothes into a bag and go. You also want to wear things more than one time. Wrinkle-free is the winner.

5. Bring a little black dress or skirt. These will work for many places. You can dress it up or down. Dresses and skirts are great with flip-flops for in-town walking or with a jacket for evening dining.

6. Add options for layering. A lightweight, fashionable jacket. Pick one that will provide warmth for a cool day and class for a night out. Throw in a shawl, scarf, vest, or wrap (whatever your preference). All of these are easily packed options that can add style to any setting. But don’t take more than 2-3; they will add weight you don’t need. Just remember whatever you put in that suitcase, everything you pack should go with everything else.

7. Leave your entire beauty regimen behind. If we are honest, we generally use only a few repeat makeup items daily. Take only what you can’t live without. Find out in advance what’s available, then use what the hotels provide.

8. End one day by washing your clothes. All you need is the bathroom sink. If you have quick dry ones, even better. Hang them to dry. You’ve worn them more than once by this time, so they probably need it. But on a several-week trip, you will only have to do this exercise once.

9. Be ready for any climate. Add a few items, such as camisoles, to add warmth or be ready for a hot day. Pack your silk pajamas; they are amazing insulators under your clothes if you hit a really unexpected cold front or a hotel that keeps the thermostat at 60.

10. Choose your lightest, strongest rolling suitcase. You don’t want to be lugging more weight than necessary. You want a case narrow enough to roll down a train aisle, and durable enough to take on a cobblestone walkway.

When the trip with my daughters was over, we used everything we brought, washed it once, and didn’t wear ourselves out dragging luggage from country to country. And yes, indeed, we found some great clothing sales throughout Europe. Filled our suitcases to the brim for the flight home. With treasures in hand, we had created a relatively pain-free, memory-filled trip.

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Maybe you already have a vacation planned, or you definitely want to get away but are still weighing your options. In this podcast episode, where Darlene and Julie chat about their dream vacation spots: Vacation Ideas: Why We Want to See These Unique Places Now – 042

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Twitter86FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint86SHAREShttps://thegritandgraceproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Caroline-Beidler_Walking-Away-from-Mr.-Wrong-to-Love-the-One-Who-Was-Right-for-Me-EDITED.mp3(Listen to the audio version of this article here.)

He sat in his black chair with a headset on, and periodically, I’d hear him shout obscenities at the screen. He was playing the latest version of his favorite video game on his PlayStation 3 or 4 (I’d lost count), and it was a Friday night. I was sitting on the sofa in the adjacent room, watching some romantic movie that made me feel lonely and worn out as I ate a pint of chocolate ice cream and wondered why, at 30 years old, I was still dating Mr. Wrong, a version of the same boy since high school.

This was a typical date night: together but alone. Or it was going to the action flick I had to cover most of my eyes through, or to the type of restaurant that didn’t serve salads, or being with his friends and never getting the joke, or ordering a meat lovers pizza on a quiet night in when I preferred veggie. There was so much settling on the small things over such a long period of time that they became the big things. Very big things.

And then, of course, there were also the big things, the colossal things, the Empire-State-Building-size things like moving in together (the cart way before the horse as my grandpa used to say), not sharing the same values, and not sharing the same faith. There was so much distance between our important things that most days it felt like there was an ocean between us. The longer I stayed with him, the distance also grew between where I was and where I wanted to be, and the things I valued started to drift out to sea.

I Was Trying to Find Mr. Right, But I Was Doing It All WrongThis may sound crazy, but at the time, I also didn’t know that I could say “no” and mean it. I didn’t know that it was okay to walk away from something—from someone—who made me feel less than. Underappreciated. Someone who I knew from the minute he asked me for my number was Mr. Wrong. Again. For too long, I was just going along with my life and being okay with what I knew in my heart was not okay—and more than that, going along with what was hurting me.

My childhood was your classic textbook case of dysfunction, and in those rocky, early years, I didn’t learn much about healthy relationships or what they were supposed to look like. I didn’t grow up going to church and had never heard things like how love is patient and kind and all of those sorts of things. It was as if I was living life by a worn guidebook that someone had ripped the most important parts out of.

In my early 20s, I was also so obsessed with finding the perfect guy, the one who checked off all the boxes, that I failed to check the boxes that really mattered: figuring out who I was and who I was meant to be. I focused too much on finding the elusive “him” and not enough on how I could show up for someone else, learning how to be the kind of partner I dreamed of.

I Finally Shifted My Focus, and Things ChangedI didn’t realize it then, but it wasn’t going to be until I started working on myself that I would meet a partner worthy of me. It wasn’t until I learned to love myself that I was ready to accept the good man God had planned for me all along.

Now, all of this didn’t happen on my timeline, and my wedding day to my dream man didn’t happen until I was well into my 30s (and this is being generous). It took a lot of bumpy, broken roads to get there (and too many Mr. Wrongs), but here I am today: happy, happily married, and happily me.

How did it happen?

Unfortunately, I never found the roadmap or guidebook to help me get out of the unhealthy patterns and off the broken road. What I did find were a few simple things that started to help me see things differently, and over time, this made all the difference.

1. If You’re Doubting Your Relationship, Start Talking About Your ConcernsThe first thing that helped was talking about it with people I trusted. Instead of sitting in the dark and crying myself to sleep, I would pick up the phone and reach out. I called my best friend so much that I actually memorized her phone number. I reached out to my other girlfriends, even the ones that usually do all the talking.

Importantly, I also started to process my relationship issues with older women who had been there and back again. Women who were married and who were walking on the road that I was looking for, women who could show me what healthy looked like.

1. Instead of Asking Myself: “What Do I Want?” I Started to Ask: “Who Do I Want to Be?”I picked up my dusty Bible and started learning about love, how it is patient and kind—and what it really is. A good friend also suggested that I write a list of the “non-negotiables” I had for a partner and commit to sticking with them. She also suggested that I write about the kind of wife and partner I wanted to be so I could make sure, some day, to be the best version of myself for my future spouse.

2. I Let Love InFor so long, I kept love—real love—at a distance because I never felt like I deserved it. Because of my past and a whole bunch of other reasons, there was something in the way of me feeling truly loved and valuable. In the Bible, there is a beautiful concept called “agape.” This refers to the unconditional, overwhelming love of God. Not friendship or lust, but the purest form: the kind of love only God can give.

It was the kind of love I was expecting to get from all the wrong places, all the wrong misters. For the first time, I prayed and asked God to help me let His perfect love in. Slowly, somehow, I started to feel my heart softening and opening.

When I Started Doing Those 3 Things, Something Miraculous Happened.The person I was becoming no longer fit with who I had been, and I decided then and there that I would not settle one minute more. I told God that I was done searching and trying to make something work that was never supposed to be. I decided to say goodbye to Mr. Wrong for the last time.

Finally, when I felt my true worth and had the confidence to walk away, God brought what I had been searching and praying for this whole time, though I didn’t know it: a relationship with Him and a newfound, beautiful love for myself.

And then, on the other side of Mr. Wrong, was Mr. Right.

Finally, when I felt my true worth and had the confidence to walk away, God brought what I had been searching and praying for this whole time, though I didn’t know it: a relationship with Him and a newfound, beautiful love for myself.

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Cultivating healthy relationships requires knowing yourself and who you want to be. Learn more about that process on this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Answering the Question “Who Am I?” With Meaghan Dawson – 116

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Twitter2FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint3SHARESLast summer, my birthday wish was rain. Sixty-seven days had passed without so much as a raindrop, and 47 of those days reached temperatures 100 degrees and up. Each morning, we opened our weather apps and hoped the meteorologists had made a mistake and that maybe, just maybe, showers would fall and refresh the land. But the morning of my birthday showed nothing different. Just clear skies and temps nearing 100, yet again.

I stared out my bedroom window, lamenting the shriveled-up tomato plants, squash, and the remaining vegetables I’d intentionally planted into moist soil months prior. My backyard displayed all the visible signs of thirst: My hedges sagged toward the heat-cracked flower beds, and even the cacti, known for their resilience to warm temperatures and little moisture, drooped in despair.

I’d touch my wilting, withering plants and sigh with them. Raw vegetable salads, snow cones, tall glasses of ice water, and watermelon — my typical go-to’s for combatting sweat and dehydration — no longer did the job.

Nothing seemed to satiate the thirst and fatigue ushered in by the heat. Swimming and cold showers lost their luster. It was hot, and we Texans craved rain.

Hopeful in a DroughtLater that afternoon, we loaded the car with floats and pool toys before making a mini-pilgrimage to my aunt’s house. As we pulled into the driveway, my foot stamped the brakes before running over a colorful scattering of open umbrellas. The navy, yellow, black, teal, and red canopies lay open, flush against the sizzling concrete. Their shafts and handles were pointed upward toward the sky as though they were pleading for God to notice and allow them to be used. The sun reflected off the metal tips.

Texas farmer Sam J. Smith“What’s all this?” I asked my aunt as I touched the scorched handle of one umbrella.

Aunt Trace replied, “Well, baby, I’m praying for rain. I told the Lord I’d supply the umbrellas if He supplied the rain. Just look at this picture of joy on this man’s face… that’s what we’ll look like if it comes.”

I glanced down at the Texas Highways magazine she held in her hands. It was opened to a black and white shot of an elderly, toothless man, the corner of his eyes crinkled, his hands in the air, and his shirt soaked. It was taken in 1951 with a caption that read:

“Known as the most catastrophic drought in state history because of its length and widespread effect, the drought lasted from 1950 to 1957. Here, Sam J. Smith, a farmer in San Antonio’s Belgian Gardens district, rejoices in the rain on Easter Sunday, March 25, 1951. San Antonio Light photographer Harvey Belgin received a Pulitzer Prize nomination for the photo.”

Droughts Reveal Our DiscomfortI knew our drought was nothing compared to what Texans in the fifties endured, nor the perilous conditions described in Kristin Hannah’s The Four Winds, set against the backdrop of the Dust Bowl and Great Depression. And it certainly paled in comparison to the tragic states people in Somalia, South Africa, and other countries currently face.

No, 67 days felt like a measly amount of time against global trends. But still…it was something. Our droughts matter.

I looked upward at the darkened clouds moving toward us. Ten minutes later, it started to pour. The rest of us dashed underneath the protective awning while my daughter flung off her shoes and began to dance. She twirled on her toes in between the canopies with her arms held up high. Her purple, soaked shorts clung to her legs as she hopped and leaped into fast-forming puddles. The expression on her face mirrored that of the old farmer’s—one of unrestrained joy.

Later, I thought about my aunt’s animated display of hope and faith earlier that day. She expected real answers to her request and garnered renewed hope by looking at a decades-old picture. A natural optimist, Aunt Trace’s effervescent personality rarely wavered through her life seasons of drought.

All the reminiscing made me question how I perceive my own droughts. I’m talking about the ones that invade without notice, where the rain halts one day, and the world as we know it no longer exists. Where do we go when nothing satiates our thirst?

The biblical story that comes to mind is one of Jesus meeting with the woman at the well during her quest for water. He promised that those who drink from his living water thirst no more.

What if our droughts aren’t necessarily just about thirst, fatigue, and dryness? Or if they’re more than the loss of our precious food supply and vegetation?

What if the droughts in our lives also reveal our discomfort with reliance upon a Source greater than ourselves?

There’s something about “reliance” that makes us Westerners tingle with nervousness. Individualism and personal freedoms are highly valued in our social system, making it easy for those who live in reasonably safe, insulated conditions to gloss over our need for God. That is, until we come face-to-face with our needs during seasons of drought, in both the literal and figurative senses.

Dry Spells Wake Us UpDroughts illuminate our neediness. They shine a floodlight on our control-freak tendencies and individualistic plans as we watch them all slip through our fingers into the hands of the One in charge.

Maybe part of the reason droughts can be agonizing is due to the ways they wake us up. It’s often amid dry spells that we finally grasp our unrelenting need for the kind of reliance that supersedes any we can conjure on our own. Our deep-seated longings for a trustworthy, forever dependable Source greater than all of our well-constructed plans are revealed to us.

So, what do we do when we encounter a season where everything is dried up and desolate, and when the rainwaters that once flowed and satisfied us are nowhere in sight? We have some say in the matter.

We can lament, sigh, and sag toward the ground next to our dying plants (because all of that is part of the human experience).

And…we can also go open our umbrellas.

We can speak hope when the odds are stacked against us.

We can look back at our history and lived experiences and recall the moments when we relied on the Source of all forms of water.

And finally, we can dance when the rain comes, because eventually, it will.

—
Dealing with an unexpected drought? Here’s how optimism can help ease the burden: What Does Optimism Bring to a Woman’s Life? – 184

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Twitter10FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint10SHARESI absolutely love the start of each new year! A fresh start… a clean slate… wide open horizons… Pick your choice metaphor and embrace the new year’s energy with me for a minute.

Fast forward to late January, and my motivation is waning. My guess is the same thing happens to you. In fact, statistics tell us that only 8% of us actually achieve the New Year resolutions we set!

Our resolutions break down because we fail to create a plan to achieve them. In fact, rather than creating resolutions, I create goals that are important to me for the coming year.

Goals vs. ResolutionsIt might seem like semantics to set goals versus resolutions, but here is the subtle difference between the two:

A resolution by definition is “the act of determining.”

A goal by definition is “the end toward which effort is directed.”

Notice the distinction? When we resolve, we determine to do something. It’s a decision, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we have defined how to achieve this resolution. A goal is actually the result of an effort that we have directed. By its definition, a goal suggests that we must do something to accomplish it.

So, may I recommend that you take some time to turn your resolutions into goals for yourself, personally and professionally, this year?

As I reflected on the past year, what I discovered was that the goals that I built plans for, were the goals that I achieved. When I defined the steps necessary, when I created timelines, when I considered budget, when I delegated as needed, these were the goals that I actually met or exceeded.

Ready to Start Setting Goals?After all, a goal without a plan is just a pipe dream. Here are 5 simple steps to get you moving toward your goals this year:

Step 1: Where Are You Now?

Max De Pree says, “the first task of a leader is to define reality.”

I believe the first building block of personal or professional success is having clarity on your mission, vision, and values. In order to chart where you want to go you need to be clear about what you’re building upon.

A vision statement is a description of where you want to go and the impact you want to make.

A mission statement is a definition of who you are and why you do the work you do.

Values are a set of guiding principles that clarify the habits and behaviors that are essential to accomplishing your vision and mission.

Do you have a written vision, mission, and values? If so, rewrite them and spend time reflecting on how these impact where you want to go. If not, review the definitions of each and write out the vision, mission, and values that define who you are and what you do.

Step 2: Where Do You Want To Go?

Now that you have a sense of where you are, you can begin to define where you want to go.

First, define your time frame. Are you building a plan for 6 months, twelve months, eighteen months, etc.?

Then, let yourself dream! What are your hopes and expectations for what you could accomplish in this time frame?

Finally, identify the top three goals that you want to pursue.

Step 3: What Will It Take?

This is where you’ll begin to “put feet to vision,” as I like to say. These next three steps are what differentiate dreamers from doers.

Determine what each of these goals will require in time, budget, support, etc. Will you need to adjust your schedule to make time for your goals? What do you need to stop in order to start working toward your goal? What resources do you need financially to make this possible? Do you need help or support from others?

Get clear on what it will take to make your goals possible.

Step 4: What’s Realistic?

Now it’s time to play devil’s advocate. What is really realistic? Are your goals doable in this time frame?

There is nothing worse than setting a goal that is impossible to achieve. Unrealistic goals discourage and demotivate you. You want to set goals that stretch you but are doable with focus and commitment.

Step 5: How Will You Get There?

The more clarity and detail you provide for each goal, the greater your chances of achieving that goal.

What are the steps necessary to accomplish it? What are key milestones that will keep you motivated and moving forward?

As leaders, we are full of ideas and initiatives. We see potential and opportunity all around. We can almost taste the outcome but oftentimes we get bogged down by how we’ll get from here to there. The “how” can be overwhelming and discouraging so we give up on our goals or fail to build a plan to help us actually achieve them. These five steps will get you on the path to moving from ideas to action.

—You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Can Women Do It All? With Christy Wright of Business Boutique – 091

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Twitter138FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint140SHARESYou don’t have to be a cool mom. How freeing is that statement? I think that somewhere in the midst of childrearing we forget that our goal is not to be our kid’s best friend, or to be cool.

My mom was cool. However, I would not have said that when I was an adolescent. I specifically remember being mortified when she dropped me off at school in our minivan with wooden paneling on the side that I was sure everyone noticed. She also sent me to school with a reusable lunchbox when all the cool kids had brown paper bags. I remember hiding my lunchbox while walking into the cafeteria because I knew everyone was looking at it.

She also had rules. I had to be home for dinner, I wasn’t allowed to watch Married with Children or The Simpsons, and if I talked back (which I did a lot), I was sent to my room. She was strong in her convictions, and while I knew she loved me, I knew she wasn’t going to change her rules just because I thought she should. She didn’t bend when the other parents did. She had to say no a lot, probably more than she said yes. If she would have said yes, I would probably be in a world of trouble today. She often protected me from myself. Thanks, Mom.

This “aha” Moment Brought Relief on a Long Parenting DayI had an “aha” moment the other day. After celebrating 20 years of marriage with my husband (can I get an amen?), I realized I have lived with him longer than I was under my parents’ roof. This led me to the freeing truth that our four kids, God willing, will be living with their spouses much longer than they will be living with me. In the grand scheme of things, if they live until they’re 100, less than ¼ of their life will be with me. This was particularly exciting to me after a long and exhausting day of parenting teenagers.

Even more so, this caused me to recognize that my parenting is formative and important and needs to prepare these kids for what is ahead of them. My goal shouldn’t be being cool.

My kids span from ages 13 to 17. I am in the depth of adolescence and teenage life. It’s a super fun and hard time to be a parent. The ebb and flow of emotion in my house is great.

I constantly pray for discernment as I give out yeses or nos throughout my day. But as I have grown, I’ve learned more than ever that my goal is not to be the cool mom. With my mom, I realize that all of the things she did actually were cool because she had a bigger goal in mind when raising me. It wasn’t about her fitting in or being cool, which are both temporary goals. She had an long-term, selfless perspective and it was about what was best for me in the long-run.

This Is the Kind of Mom I Aspire to BeSo, now that I have my own four kids, what kind of a mom do I aspire to be?

A faithful and present mom. One who is there when they need me to be, but not a mom who will always rescue them. That’s probably the cool thing to do, but that’s not me. I want my kids to learn how to handle something and problem-solve without me there as their crutch.

This morning, I said goodbye as my three boys left for camp. My youngest likes his comforts and isn’t a fan of being away from home. He can be paralyzed by his anxiety. But I know and trust that experiences like camp will help in forming him to stand on his own two feet. I know that it’s good for him that I’m not there. I know that with these boys, my goal is to raise strong men and husbands, not men who cling to me. So, I kissed him hard and let him go.

I don’t want to be the cool mom. I want to be a faithful and present mom.

I want them to know that I have a life outside of them. Sounds selfish, right? It’s not really. God has given them a specific role and calling in this world, and while my husband and I will raise them up to find it, they have to embrace and live it themselves. They can see that modeled in us as we try to live out our callings and they watch—whether it includes them or not. I want them to see that I have dreams too, be it inside or outside of the home.

So, in what ways am I not cool? Many, but here are two.

Not Cool Rule 1: Strict Phone GuidelinesYou guys, I have serious phone guidelines. I’m the person you can use as an example when your kid says, “Nobody else has these rules.” You can let them read this and see how strict I am. Definitely not cool. And sometimes it’s energizing to find other moms who aren’t cool either. I can be that person for you. If you feel alone in your frustration or wonder if “everyone else has a phone”…take comfort, my dear! I lead the way in the, “Mom, you’re so strict about my phone,” movement. I have a love-hate relationship with my kids having devices. Of course I am grateful that I can get a hold of them when I need them, but I hate how much they are on them. I hate how much I am on mine!

Our kids don’t get data on their phone until freshman year of high school. Yes, you read that clearly. I deprive our kids of fitting in until they are about 14. And I’m telling you, I love this. They can still text me while they are at school on WiFi, but they can’t stare at YouTube on car drives. It’s the best balance we have found and it works in our home. It’s definitely not cool, my kids don’t like it, and “everybody has data,” but that’s okay because being a cool mom isn’t my goal.

Not Cool Rule 2: Serious Social Media RestrictionsSocial Media. Enough said. I often think of what a nightmare I would have been if I would have had it as an adolescent. I would have been all about selfies. And filters. And I would have loved the “UR GORG” comments. As an adult, I also have a love-hate relationship with it.

We allow Instagram for better or worse once they are in high school. But we said no Snapchat as long as your under our roof. Is it because there is specifically something wrong with Snapchat? No. It’s because I don’t need my kids to have another reason to look down instead of up. I figure they have the rest of their lives to be on these platforms.

I believe they are smart and wise, and could manage it, but we have chosen to let them wait and handle it when they pay their own bill and their brains are more formed. I know, it’s not cool. At all. I’ve heard that a lot, but I’m okay with it. I figure someday they may understand our reasoning behind it. I want them to figure out who they are outside of their devices.

No judgement here when it comes to the ins and outs of guidelines. I don’t know if I am going overboard with my rules or if they are good boundaries to have in place. And I don’t judge those who have different ones than me. Like I said, my kids will have ¾ of their lives out from under my roof to make their own decisions, but while in this house, they are on our training ground.

What does “cool” mean to you? Consider these 4 things:1. Think long-term. Try to keep long-term formation in mind, rather than short-term. What’s the purpose behind your rules?

2. Stick to your convictions! What’s important to your family? Don’t waiver because other people might.

3. Don’t lose sight of you. What’s important to you? Make time to take care of yourself and pursue the things you love. Kids need to see that their parents are people too.

4. Pray. Stay on your knees, ladies. In the end, there are no formulas for great kids. Every day is new and God’s mercies are new every morning. Wear out those knees covering your babies in prayer. That’s the coolest thing you can do.

My biggest advice for being a cool mom is to pray your head off. After all of the strategies and ways that we try to be good parents, I have found that consistently and intentionally surrendering our kids’ lives to God in prayer is what works. I don’t always see answers, but most importantly I feel the nearness of my Father and the assurance that He is completing a good work in them.

Whether I’m cool or not.

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If parenting your teen is draining you, we hope this podcast episode provides some clarity on next steps: When Is Your Teen out of Control and What Do You Do? With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 032**

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Twitter130FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint132SHARESIt was 1914 when President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed Mother’s Day a national holiday. Each year the second Sunday of May is appointed as a day of celebration, set aside to honor the ladies in our families who have taken on the task of motherhood. An honor much deserved and earned daily by the mothers who fulfill this vital role.

Whether she is a biological, foster, step, or adoptive mom, all mothers have offered a glimpse into the “love chapter” in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. This portrait of perfect love can be seen through these imperfect ladies in the things they do daily. From their simple acts and unrelenting patience to their profound endurance, mothers exemplify the impact of love. These are the days that illustrate a mother’s legacy to her children.

A Mother’s LegacyLove is patient and kind.We see this in the hours that a mother of a child with special needs sits in the doctor’s waiting room, trying to entertain and distract her precious child, who is facing another unpleasant visit. It can be seen when the unanswerable question “Why?” is asked for the fifteenth time by her three-year-old, yet the mother still tries to answer it. Or when she takes her daughter shopping from sun-up to sundown to find the perfect dress for the dance.

“The best part of being a mom to me is the unconditional love. I have never felt a love as pure, a love that’s as rewarding.” Monica Denise Brown

It does not demand its own way.It’s when a mother delights in her child’s first word, “dada,” even if it’s not the one she hoped to hear. She willingly decided to set aside her own life pursuits because her child, in this season, needed her more. When she determines that the family budget can be trimmed because her child’s boredom in school is finally interpreted correctly: He is academically gifted, which requires a change in education to reach his full potential.

“When Thomas Edison’s teacher sent him home with a note that said, ‘Your child is dumb; we can’t do anything for him.’ Mrs. Edison wrote back, ‘You do not understand my boy. I will teach him myself.'”

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.When she keeps silent as she watches her middle school child stomp up the stairs, mumbling angry adjectives directed toward her the entire way, even though she is exhausted from the encounter. The realization that her child is stealing from the family to support a drug habit, yet her only concern is how to help her child overcome this addiction. Holding back the easily spoken “I told you so” because the lesson has painstakingly been learned.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” Honore de Balzac

Love never gives up, never loses faith.
When a foster mom is willing to face the frequent visits to the courtroom advocating for a child who is not her own, she treats him as such while he’s in her care. She spends evenings pouring over homework that seems impossible for her child and is steadfast until mastered. Remaining on her knees, praying for that prodigal child and believing that one day they will find their way home.
“I think in a lot of ways unconditional love is a myth. My mom’s the only reason I know it’s a real thing.” Conor Oberst

Is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.Discovering her child is the target of bullying and acting to protect her. Beginning the difficult motherhood transition from protecting to preparing, letting the hard knocks hit enough so adulthood will be successful. Providing constant reinforcement to the doubtful child to help them believe they can no matter what the challenge.
“All that I am or hope to be I owe to my angel mother. I remember my mother’s prayers, and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.” Abraham Lincoln

But love will last forever!The legacy of love a mother creates will not be felt only on Mother’s Day but every day. It is not in the dramatic moments or perfect acts but in the simple, tenacious, and enduring ones. Those moments and memories make up a legacy every mother can leave.

“My mother thinks I am the best. And I was raised to always believe what my mother tells me.” Diego Maradona

Woodrow Wilson got it right when he made this American declaration; a mother is worthy of honor. The countless acts and frequent sacrifices often remain unrecognized. The long days and short nights in a mother’s life are vital to building the next generation. The love they display daily is the backbone of healthy children. It is also the purest form of a loving God portrayed to us.

So this second Sunday in May, celebrate the moms in your life doing the job many shy away from. Let them know you see her, you treasure her and are thankful for her.

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Motherhood isn’t always sunshine and roses. Here’s one mom’s advice for how to manage those less-than-ideal days: How Do We Handle the Messiness of Motherhood? with Laila Schell – 168

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWOW. That girl is going to do big things one day.

But.

What if she doesn’t do big things?

My girl’s best friend is incredibly mature and smart for her age. Although she’s two years younger, you would never know it. She can’t stand the drama of girls her age and instead hangs with an older crowd. Believes in early-to-bed and early-to-rise and has her sights set on things bigger than herself. Everyone that really knows her is impressed by her. She’s going to do big things one day. We all see it.

BUUUT.

What. If. She. Doesn’t?

For Young Adults, the Pressure Is OnAs we near graduation season and I watch my step-daughter being forced to make life-altering decisions such as college, majors, and jobs at such a young age, I worry about the pressure that kids feel to get it right. Grades and scholarships will mean nothing if they are pushed into thinking that they must achieve great things when they are still kids.

It’s common knowledge that people don’t reach full maturity until their mid-twenties—you know, when college is over and they are several years into their first job. Sometimes they are married with 2.5 kids.

I myself changed colleges and majors multiple times. By the time I received my bachelor’s degree in business, I knew it was a mistake. I was seven years into the financial industry, married, and about to have my first child. How did I get so far on this path?

It’s okay. I promise.

Life isn’t as linear as the calendar suggests. As we grow and develop and assimilate new information from the world around us it displaces and changes our previous thinking. Our minds shift. Change. Refocus. As we mature and look backward, we think, “What was I thinking?!”

But it’s okay! Change is actually a good thing.

Celebrate Small Achievements — They’re the Big Things!As an enneagram three, I know that I think positively about myself when I’m achieving. But what about when I’m not? Or, more likely, what about when I don’t realize that I am achieving every. Single. Day?

Maybe you were told you were going to do big things one day. That’s awesome. But we need to not neglect the things that we do each day that are as big as graduating college, landing a job, or becoming a doctor. What about when you are a good friend to someone that was on the edge? What about when you ended a relationship because it wasn’t healthy? What about when you comforted your little one in the middle of the night when they had a bad dream? What about when you supported your spouse so they could achieve something?

All of those are big things worth celebrating. Albeit, it might not sound as fancy as titles, salaries, or accomplishments that the world deems important, but those “little” things are far outweigh those other, “big” things.

A Message for ParentsParents, remind your kids that they will do big things. But define “big things” for them. Remind them that while goals and aspirations are great, who they are as a person is so much greater. Especially as they try and fail, and try and fail again, they will need to know that they aren’t failing. They are learning. They are assimilating. They are maturing.

They do not need to have it all figured out just yet. They may change majors and colleges and stop and start along the way. Yes, it can be costly (ask me how I know). But the invaluable knowledge gained from the experiencing of failing and overcoming will give them more than a degree, a title, or a job ever will. Remind them that they are already doing great things every day.

Life isn’t as linear as the calendar suggests.

A Message for YouMaybe you look back and see what you perceive as potential and missed opportunities. I know many women who gave up careers, goals, and aspirations when they became wife and mother. They wonder who they could have been. Who they should have been. What happened to those big things they were supposed to do “one day”?

To the girl who is doing her best to figure out her next steps of her life while being a great daughter, a great sister, and a good person…. You are doing big things today.
To the girl who is a good friend but a not-so-good student and not sure what to do next…You are doing big things today.
To the girl who is in med school with dreams of curing cancer in children. I see you doing big things today.
To the girl who quit the fast-track life to birth a miracle…I see you doing big things today.
To the girl who took a break to refocus and recreate her path in life…I see you doing big things today.

Don’t discount those big things that happen every day. While the world may not weigh them as big as fill-in-the-blank, focus on each day. Because I’m pretty sure you are doing big things every day.

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Maybe you feel like you don’t have things figured out yet—that’s okay! Here’s why:

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Twitter550FacebookLinkedIn14PinterestPrint564SHARESI love new beginnings. I’m a girl who enjoys looking back, reflecting, evaluating, and dreaming for the future. For me, a new day, season or year means a new opportunity to clean out the old, purge clutter, refocus, slow down, set goals, and reflect on what God has done in my life. I’m the nerdy girl who loves to turn the calendar page to a new month. I love the newness and blank slate it brings, representing a fresh start.

Recently, I felt a need to start a new exercise regime. Not a physical, let’s-get-fit exercise, but a new mental and spiritual regime I am trying to practice and embrace. I have noticed lately that I allow many of my emotions to cloud my mind and my vision of what is actually true. Feelings well up inside of me and overflow, often overcoming me and putting me into an “emergency—my life is falling apart” or “my life is awesome” mode.

Bound By EmotionsI have always been a person who feels my emotions deeply. I am also a person whose emotions seem to affect or leak out onto the people around me and affect them as well. Growing up, marrying, mothering four children, and teaching students helps me realize the responsibility that comes with my overflowing emotions. I must steward them by sifting through them and deciding what is real and what is fleeting. | For more on healthy emotions, don’t miss our podcast episode: How to Feel Your Emotions in a Healthy Way With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 075

In my recent more deliberate quest to pay attention to God’s voice in my life, I have also been heightened in my awareness of the voices that don’t match His. Sometimes it’s hard to discern which is which, so I have started writing down what I feel and what I know.

I started this practice after reading 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, which says, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

In these verses, Paul is referring to the unseen, invisible battle that is waged against and within our minds. This battle we fight is often not of the flesh, but of the spirit. The weapons we must use are not physical, but spiritual: prayer, the Word of God, faith, the power of the Holy Spirit, and reciting God’s provision and promises. Paul has to tear down wrong thinking and recognize the grasp it can keep on his mind and affections.

These strongholds, or places of wrong thinking and behavior, can overtake our spirits if we don’t fight and take them captive. A stronghold is “a place where a particular belief is strongly upheld.” Through my daily living and empty, mindless pursuits, a stronghold can root itself in my belief system without me even realizing it.

What I Feel Vs. What I KnowIn order to sift and take captive my thoughts, I have begun a new exercise regimen for my faith. First, I list what I feel. Then, I write what I know.

I’m Overwhelmed

I feel: Often overwhelmed with how to spend my time. There is so much to be done, and I could choose to spend it so many different ways. How do I balance it all? What should I prioritize?

I know: God has made me a people-gatherer. He is sovereign over my time. I can choose right and I can choose left, and He is alive and active in both directions. He will direct me on who to spend my time with, be it my husband, kids, or friends; He will also show me when to be quiet and rest. My job is to ask, and to make space to listen.

I Don’t Measure Up

I feel: Like a teenager when I step into other people’s houses that are grand and beautiful. I feel like I don’t measure up. I feel like I need to have nicer furniture, or fancier decor, and grow up into a real adult.

I know: God has graciously given me so much. I have a beautiful home that accurately reflects our family. I know that at my core, I thrive with simplicity and less stuff. I actually prefer it, and feel more alive. I know that chasing after things only makes me want more stuff, and that is not what I want to be about.

I know that my response to other people’s beautiful things should be rejoicing with them, and enjoying with them, not comparing to them. I know that God asks me to recite His faithfulness. I know that I must not walk blindly, but intentionally count His gifts, big and small, so I don’t forget the ways that He actively provides.

I’m Not Happy with How I Look

I feel: That I need to lose weight, or eat clean, or start a new exercise program so that I can get to that place where I need to be physically. I feel high expectations of what it means to be in shape. After a summertime surgery which I am still recovering from, I miss the endorphin high of being out of breath and my heart pumping.

I know: That life is not about being better, faster, and stronger physically. When I was younger that used to be my pursuit, but as I’ve aged I see that pounding my body is not honoring my body. God has asked me to live fully, mentally, physically, spiritually, in the body He’s given me.

At this phase in my life that means to slow down and learn to listen to my body. It means to move it, stretch it, and sometimes get out of breath. It means to laugh. It means to respect it by fueling it with whole, healthy, real food, but also eating dark chocolate and drinking wine.

I know that not pounding my body is better for my body. I know that my body is beautiful just as it is, that is does not have to be in that place where I think I should be. I know that health and wellness should be my focus, because that honors Him, not me.

How Do I Do It All?

I feel: Overwhelmed by all that is on my plate. How can I love and serve my husband well, mother four kids, teach 4th graders creatively, be part of a church plant, love my neighbors, and be a loyal daughter and friend? How do I have the capacity to do all of the things?

I know: I don’t have the capacity to do everything. I don’t. There is no way that I can be everything to everyone. I will let people down. In today’s world where we have so much information and so many relationships to manage, we simply can’t do it all.

I know that Jesus will be my strength where I am weak. And that in the places that He has called me to serve, He will give me capacity. He says, “I am the vine, and you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, and apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Like the plants in the flower pots on my patio that die when they are not watered, but stand up proudly when they are, I must turn my face towards Him each day for capacity and strength.

God made me a woman who deeply feels, and while I will practice this new exercise, it will not negate the importance of my feelings. There is beauty and sometimes validity in my emotions, but as I learn to keenly detect God’s voice in my life, I want to sift and be aware of the subtle ways that my feelings shift my mindset. I want to live within the boundaries and freedom of the truths that I know. There is such safety in God’s unwavering truth. The next time my “emergency” mindset overtakes me, I want to bravely recite and remember my firm foundation.

Listen to Amy talk more about her new exercise with Brian Tome, pastor at Crossroads Church in this video!

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For more on being a confident, strong woman, check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You the Proverbs 31 Woman? Should You Be? – 092

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI’m a moody person. I’ll admit that. But often, I feel grumpy, depressed, irritable or anxious. Are you grumpy too? Well, I find that the root cause of my negative mood is that I’ve actually been neglecting myself. Maybe you’re neglecting yourself too.

It’s so easy as a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom to get so caught up in changing diapers, wiping up spills, mixing bottles, meeting deadlines, making phone calls, and kissing booboos that I neglect to take care of myself. And that makes me grumpy.

Are You Neglecting Yourself? Here’s a Checklist to Find Out:Have you eaten something healthy?
I tend to skip breakfast, and that leaves me feeling groggy and malnourished. Protein is super helpful when it comes to boosting my energy. Yogurt, eggs, raw almonds, oatmeal, or a slice of cheese are my favorite quick and easy healthy sources.

Did you drink enough water?
Being even a little dehydrated can severely impact my mood. I’m not just saying that; it’s a medical fact. Plus, it’s known to cause headaches and exacerbate PMS cramps. I don’t have time for that!

Have you showered?
Let’s just admit to ourselves that the 30-minute shower is a legend of yesteryear, and a 15-minute shower is a luxury. However, I’ve noticed a definite correlation between my mood and my hygiene. When I’m clean I feel prettier and happier.

How much did you sleep last night?
It’s not like us mommies can push the pause button on life and go take a nap (wouldn’t that be nice?), but at least acknowledging, “Oh that’s right, I tossed and turned all night,” or “I’m just tired because my 5-year-old kept waking up,” can help you cope with your misery.

Have you painted your nails lately?
Nothing cheers me up like a splash of color, and soaking my tootsies in hot water with scented oils and Epsom salts is so relaxing. (Read our DIY manicure piece if you need some help!)

How much coffee did you drink?
I’ve learned the hard way that my caffeine intake is a very delicate balance. Too little and I’m dragging. Too much and I’m anxious and impatient.

Have you exercised lately?
Whether we’re talking 20 minutes of refreshing yoga or heart-pounding cardio, I find that getting my blood flowing, loosening up stiff muscles and working kinks out of my joints and back renew me both physically and emotionally.

That’s my little list—I hope you find it helpful on those days when you’re feeling grumpy.

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Paying attention to our wellbeing make a huge difference in our attitude! Here are some wellness tips to consider: Need a Life Overhaul? Wellness Expert Rachel Hagstrom Tells You How – 189

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Twitter99FacebookLinkedIn6PinterestPrint105SHARES“How did I get here? This can’t be happening,” these words raced across my mind as I sat in a room with our pastor and the seeming stranger I was married to. But there I was, a church-raised, young woman in the throes of a nasty adulterous mess… but my affair was what got us there. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I could slip so far or that divorce would seem like an obvious lifeline amidst the chaos. I so badly wanted to flee this moment of accountability, wanted to flee this marriage, and by doing so, escape the mess I had made.

That summer, almost 11 years ago now, things had come to a head. But the trouble had begun long before my mess was made public. I was raised in the most incredible, traditional Christian home, had gone to a wonderful Baptist college, and married a man who shared my faith. This would have had all the appearances of a successful marriage and fulfilling life.

Unfortunately, the struggling desire to have a male’s attention had deep roots within this Christian girl. I cannot point to a specific reason why this was “my struggle,” which in and of itself causes a lot of guilt and shame. “You have no excuse for what you did or how you are,” are the words that used to cross my mind often and honestly still creep in from time to time.

As a girl, the struggle was just normal boy-crazy behavior, but flirting turned much darker when the years went by and boys turned into men. So at 23 years old, having been married for already two years, the stakes of my sin were raised. I had believed a lie. I had assumed that my husband was to be the source of all of my happiness.

I Wasn’t Happy, and I Blamed HimSo, when I wasn’t so “happy” it was easy to blame him, to look elsewhere for what I thought I was missing. There were also other storms brewing inside of me, simply adding layers to my already discontent soul… not feeling happy, then not feeling loved, regretting the decision to marry so young. Well, it doesn’t take a rocket-scientist to figure out that when you look for trouble you can find it. And boy, did I find it.

After six months of casually spending time with men from work and pushing boundaries with some of them, I found myself in a full-blown affair. The affair was short-lived but the damage was not; it was unimaginable. I went to my husband and told him a cliff notes version, mostly wanting to free myself of guilt and hoping to expedite a separation, then divorce.

He didn’t meet my request. While I wanted anything except reconciliation, his statement that evening was, “Just because you broke a vow, doesn’t mean I intend to.”

Punch. In. The. Gut.

Unexpected Grace and Love After My AffairYou know that love I had been longing for from a man? Well that was it, in its purest form. Grace—underserved, un-asked for, grace in place of justified punishment. I wish I could explain how much freedom was found in those months after it all came out. I wish I had the time to sit with you all personally and tell you how much God loves you and doesn’t want you to live in bondage to any sin.

Our battle to reclaim our marriage was tough, really tough. And I can’t even begin to thank the people who prayed for us and mentored us, and taught me how to live a life of transparency. And although our story has a happy ending, thanks only to God, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through it.

When I was asked to share this I had a few concerns, mostly, “Will women judge me?” and, “Will my story help anyone?”

Here is the thing: I always felt alone in my struggles, like my issues for attention and sexual immorality were only a man’s battle. But honestly, like the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. Do I think it’s common? No, or perhaps just well hidden. I can say that before I crossed the line in my actions, I allowed what I believe many have done: I crossed the line in my heart. Looking elsewhere for love and companionship when our sights should be set at home.

I had assumed that my husband was to be the source of all of my happiness.

So, we would be wise as women to guard our hearts against it, just as we pray for our husbands to do the same. Satan’s tricks haven’t changed, but they are effective. “You deserve the best.” “Your husband doesn’t care about you anymore.” “You deserve to be happy.” Those whispers from the enemy… we have all heard them. So hear me, women, when I say this: Christ is perfect, your husband is not. Christ alone will bring joy, peace, and contentment, man will not.

Those sweet, 50-year-old marriages we hear about? I’m guessing they have had a few bumps in the road, but they stuck it out and pressed on when the going got tough. We fail each other, that’s what we do; but there is such sweet, sweet reward for grace and forgiveness when failure shows up. I know my husband showed me the greatest love during the unimaginably tough time I put us through… and I’m forever grateful for it.

—For more encouragement on a grit and grace marriage, check out this podcast episode: Keep Your Love Alive: Avoid These Relationship Mistakes – 084

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Twitter124FacebookLinkedIn3PinterestPrint127SHARESI was scrolling through Instagram the other day and came across a quote that said:

5 Things to Quit Right Now:1. Trying to please everyone.
2. Fearing change.
3. Living in the past.
4. Putting yourself down.
5. Overthinking.

That’s actually pretty good advice, I thought. So I took a screenshot of it and decided to take it to heart.

Here’s why I think we should quit each thing on that list:1. Trying to please everyone.It’s simply impossible, and if you live your life seriously trying to accomplish this goal, you’ll run yourself ragged… And probably feel like a failure, because it’s simply unachievable. Don’t do that to yourself. Be kind, respectful, and do your best to love your neighbor as yourself—be a good person. If you follow those guidelines, you’ll have done all you can.

1. Fearing change.Change can most certainly be scary—no doubt about it! But oftentimes once we get past the (usually irrational) fear, we’ll find opportunities that would have never come about otherwise. Leaving your friends and family and moving to a new city can be intimidating, but it just might open your eyes to how big the world actually is—there’s so much out there! Leaving a job you aren’t happy in might involve risks, but pursuing a dream or passion can feel similar to falling in love—everything suddenly becomes technicolor. Plus, seeing yourself disregard fear, overcome obstacles, and thrive is quite honestly sometimes better than falling in love.

2. Living in the past.There is value in recognizing errors, learning from mistakes, and making amends for things you’ve done wrong—it’s called being a responsible, mature person. However, dwelling on those mistakes is a whole different topic. Dwelling doesn’t fix or change anything. It doesn’t heal the hearts we’ve broken or restore friendships. It just makes us miserable. Don’t go there. Do what you can to redeem what you can, then trust that what is supposed to happen will… And that you’ve done all you can to have a clear conscience. Don’t hold yourself in a prison of regret—live in freedom.

3. Putting yourself down.We all do it. Sometimes it’s because we really don’t like ourselves; sometimes it’s to make others (and ourselves) laugh. Being able to laugh at yourself is one thing—it’s attractive to be comfortable enough in who you are to let things go. Don’t take yourself so seriously. However, telling yourself that you’re stupid when you make a mistake or blaming yourself when someone else has clearly wronged you is not healthy. If you are chronically speaking unkind words to yourself, you can do some serious damage. After all, we hear our own thoughts more than anything else throughout the day. Let’s learn to give ourselves grace. (And don’t miss our article, 3 Ways Positive Self-Talk Can Improve Your Life.)

4. Overthinking.This goes along with #3, living in the past, but it also applies to the present. We become so consumed with trying to say things perfectly, explaining what “we really meant” when we said you-fill-in-the-blank to so-and-so, and we end up oh so weary from all of the overthinking. Many times, what we are actually doing is trying to manage what other people think about us—circling back to #1.

But why do we worry so much about what other people think? Could it have something to do with #4—putting ourselves down? If we don’t like ourselves, then it’s hard to believe that anyone else does.

When I was in college, one of the textbooks I was reading said that we often worry so much about what other people are thinking about us, yet they aren’t thinking about us at all. We are selfish people, and we think about ourselves more than anyone else—so chances are, that person you are worrying about is probably worrying about themselves or simply thinking about the things that are going on in their own life. That’s kind of a relief, huh?

So, to all of the women living their lives with grit and grace, let’s quit these five things right now! We will certainly fall back into old ways from time to time, but remember, offer yourself grace upon grace upon grace.
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—You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Overcome These 5 Struggles and Live a Grit + Grace Life – 088

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Twitter61FacebookLinkedIn3PinterestPrint64SHARESIn my careers, I have worked with many more men than women. It seemed I was always working in a man’s world. For the most part, I preferred that. It seemed as if it was frequently less complicated. What woman in the workplace has not dealt with the “mean girls” at some point in life? Whether in middle school or office cubicles, there is no doubt they exist. But unlike middle school, we are generally much more capable of handling our female co-workers. We know how they work.

Yet to be successful in our jobs, working women have to learn how the male population works as well. We must also learn to successfully respond to the nuances of their nature. It was scenarios like this one that I had to manage, learning how to be that small percentage voice in a male-dominated atmosphere.

Once again, I’m in a room filled with men; I’m only one of two women in this planning session. These are good men—creative, sharp, looking for good ideas no matter what corner of the table they come from, yet the chest-pounding has begun. The one-upmanship that happens in a room filled with testosterone can be intimidating. What’s a girl to do?

5 Tips for Working in a Man’s World1. Let the room breathe.

A strong woman doesn’t have to talk loudly or forcefully, and she most certainly does not have to thump her chest to be heard. She simply waits for the right time. Letting the testosterone roll around the room uninterrupted is always a good thing.

We don’t have to compete for airspace; we have to wait for airspace to appear. It always does. Men generally speak with conviction and certainty as they make their points. But they don’t speak long. Their testosterone rumble has definitely given you plenty of time to form your words. Let them have their say; then you make sure you have yours.

It was scenarios like this one that I had to manage, learning how to be that small percentage voice in a male-dominated atmosphere.

2. Don’t be afraid to use your knowledge of women.

“From a female perspective, I think…” We have an angle that is uniquely ours. It’s not demeaning it’s enabling. In the marketplace of life, most know that the buyers and influencers are women. We make a plethora of decisions throughout the day that brings success or failure to companies big and small. This is a unique tool is our toolbox that makes complete sense to take advantage of.

Through the years, we quit shopping at K-Mart and started shopping on Amazon. We know what appeals to our gender; what they will pay for it and how far they will drive to get it. When stated well, it will be heard. You’ll not only be heard, but you’ll bring success to the project. Remember this: men will value whatever you pitch because they have no clue what women think. They may occasionally need to be reminded of this simple fact, but that’s ok too.

3. Speak sensibly.

Communicate calmly, logically, because you’ve got a brain—a good one. I think one of our most effective tools is self-confidence. When we believe in our value and contribution, we don’t have to pound anything. We simply have to present our knowledge, position, and plan.

Unfortunately, sometimes when we get passionate, even angry, we can be misinterpreted by our male counterparts. It’s not a fair interpretation, but it exists nonetheless.

So instead of taking that arduous road to change their judgment, don’t fight that perception; work with it. Stay calm, but firm, use passion for a point, leave angry words in your office. Display well the unique talent, gifts and ideas that you possess. Then communicate well the amazingly unique perspective that you bring to the table, especially in the testosterone-filled working world.

4. Never doubt your abilities.

Hormone levels or types do not dictate our ability. Now I have to concede they can affect our emotions! But our ability absolutely not. We have talent, gifting that is not gender specific. Both genders within their pools contain creative, analytical, managerial, administrative, and executive talents. As you discover those within you nurture them, educate yourself, continue learning and honing your craft no matter what area you are capable of filling.

Then believe in yourself. You are no less than any co-worker of either gender. If you believe in yourself, others will.

5. Put your energy where it matters.

It’s easy to want to wage the battle of the sexes. To put your effort into changing the dynamic between the working genders. While there is a season to absolutely do that and some battles have to be waged I would recommend accepting the fact that we are different. We work differently, our natures look at the world and tackle challenges we face that are unique to our gender. That’s a great thing, not something to be disdained. Respect can be earned by both genders by accepting the fact that we are different, but neither are less than.

So, look at the positive they bring and celebrate it. Men need to feel appreciated (as do we). Find men who will look positive at what you bring and make them allies. When you show that you respect their ability and the work they produce, it truly helps build a working relationship. More often than not, they will reciprocate.

You don’t have to prove you’re one of them; you’re not. As one woman in a room of men, your viewpoint is unique and valuable. So step in, step up, and step out in this world where your very gender, along with your vast ability, allows you to shine.

—
For more on being a working woman, check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Can Women Do It All? With Christy Wright of Business Boutique – 091

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThe other day, my step-daughter came into the room in the evening for a few minutes of hang-out time like she does every night. (She will disagree with this statement, but it is literally our favorite part of the day).

Next thing I know, she’s saying, “Amanda-Lee, I just really wanted to thank you for what you said today.” At first I was totally confused; I barely saw her due to an all-day cheer competition where I watched her do her thing from a distance. She went on to clarify, “Someone told me that they talked to you about my weight, and I really appreciate you sticking up for me.”

NOW I knew. It wasn’t the first time that someone came up to me, questioning if my step-daughter was eating. “Isn’t she too thin?” and “Are you sure she’s eating?” have been questions that have come my way lately. I’m a thin person myself and I have also had to endure “well-meaning” people telling me to “Eat a cheeseburger” while they try to pinch my stomach looking for something to grab onto. I know that feeling. I remember how it played into my already warped sense of body image.

Body Shaming Goes Both WaysI could tell she was really bothered by the conversation, and I knew it wasn’t the first time she had to fight this misconception. While she is thin, she is not too thin. She is curvy in all the right places and drop-dead gorgeous. (However, some days I don’t think she realizes this.) She went on to question why in the world people feel like they have the right to body shame her for being thin. She’s right.

In a world where extra curves are now being celebrated and put on album covers and on the runway at fashion week, why is this having such a negative effect on those without the extra curves? She pointed out that if she told someone that they needed to lose weight, she would be absolutely ostracized for such a statement; so why is it okay for someone to tell her to gain weight?

The Weight of Others’ WordsAs we continued this conversation, I could see not only the frustration, but the hurt her body language was conveying. Don’t people understand the weight that their words have on a child? At just 16, my step-daughter’s self-concept is fragile as she blooms into a mature, confident, young woman.

Don’t we all remember what these years were like? Navigating middle school and high school with changing bodies and hormones? I know I never felt beautiful. In high school, I was very thin, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I used to look in the mirror picking apart every part of me that didn’t measure up. I lived through ’90s diet culture, where every woman I knew was always trying to get skinny and it was thoroughly broadcast at each meal.

She pointed out that if she told someone that they needed to lose weight, she would be absolutely ostracized for such a statement; so why is it okay for someone to tell her to gain weight?

My poor body-image continued and carried me into relationships that weren’t healthy, in large part because I felt lucky that “someone” found me pretty. I don’t want that for her. The more I thought about it, I began to think of all the times people said something about my weight – either when I was 16 or 36.

What Are People Really Trying to Say?Do I think people mean well? Yes. While I know there are plenty of people that may say things out of jealousy, I know that some of them come from a good place. As an adult, I can see and appreciate that. However, that is harder for her to understand at this stage in her life. To her, it is body shaming and it’s not fair.

So, let’s say you are concerned. What do you do? If you are legitimately concerned, then yes! Please go to the parent and express your concern. BUT. Please do not ask the child in question about her weight. Going directly to them, even with the best of intentions, can set them on a path of questioning their own self-worth.

Now, us mama-bears can be a bit territorial when being questioned about our kids, so be prepared. Be careful on your approach and be prepared to explain why you are concerned outside of simply quoting size. If there are facts to back up your concern, we are much more likely to hear you, even if it is hard. Also know that, while we may not be receptive at the moment, we do appreciate your concern and it may alert us to something we previously dismissed.

Finally, it is hard to approach a delicate topic and we do know that it comes from a place of love, even when our emotional response gets in the way.

Lord knows that eating disorders and unhealthy weight problems are real and need to be addressed – on both sides of the BMI-Spectrum. However, without the correct approach, it can do far more long-term harm than good.

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Body shaming often stems from judgment. But why do we do it and how can we stop? This episode of This Grit and Grace Life demystifies the phenomenon: Can We Just Admit We Judge Other Women? – 203

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintGenerally speaking, it’s a good thing we can’t see into the future. But if I were required to know in advance what the wilderness years would hold for me—that season of profound loss—then here’s what I’d say to a younger version of myself:

Dear younger me,

This is to let you know there are some hard things ahead. But much good will come of it. Trust me.

First, the bad news: Your husband will be unemployed for two years when the company he works for is sold. You will eventually deplete your savings, cash out your investments against retirement, and sell your home, using up the equity to make ends meet.

Your mother will move in with you for a few years, sinking into Alzheimer’s. During that time, your husband will receive a terminal cancer diagnosis. He won’t survive.

Brutal, right?

Now that we have the bad news out of the way, here’s what you need to know: There are dozens of good things that will come from those desert years.

The Hard Years Make You StrongFinancial setbacks
Let’s start with the financial losses. Because of your husband’s unemployment, you’ll need to quit your job at the nonprofit and find work with better pay and benefits. You’re going to end up on staff at the St. Charles Cancer Center, working alongside and serving some of the most amazing people on the planet.

And so many of those co-workers and cancer community friends will later stand on the frontlines of cancer with you and your husband, surrounding you with love and support at a time when your heart is being pummeled.

Live-in elderly parent
After your father passes away, your mother will live with you for four-and-a-half years. Because of your husband’s unemployment and cancer, you’ll have no choice but to get a job with healthcare benefits. And so you’ll carry large amounts of guilt, feeling like a neglectful daughter.

It will be impossible to hold down a full-time job, be everything your mom wants you to be for her, and care for your husband with cancer—including weekend hikes and snowshoe treks as part of your cancer battle plan. Doubt and accusations will come from all sides, and at times, the most critical of them all will be from you. So don’t pick up the guilt. You are a good daughter.

Cancer
It’s a scary word, isn’t it? But after you get over the initial devastation, you and your husband will establish a nonprofit and speak in all regions of the country about what you are doing to live well with late-stage disease, including at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Maryland. Hard to imagine, right, especially given that your husband would pay to not have to speak in front of a crowd.

You’ll coordinate some fabulously vibrant survivorship programs in your work at the cancer center that will benefit many survivors and their caregivers.

You will be amazed at what God accomplishes in and through you during the cancer years as your life expands into something richer and fuller.

Death and dying
On the whole, we humans don’t like to talk about death. But one of the good things to come out of this season will be the knowledge that walking beside the dying can be a sacred and sweetly sorrowful experience.

Our daughter Summer will stand watch with you as her father dies. Your home and the Hospice House room will be saturated in unexplainable peace. And many people watching how you manage the grief and loss will be encouraged in the process.

Widowhood
Even though peace will pervade during the daylight hours, in those final months of your husband’s life, you’ll wake up often in the middle of the night with anxiety over the thought of being widowed.

But widowhood won’t be as horrific as you imagine. Widowhood will provide you with some amazing brave-making opportunities. As you say “yes” to unexpected invitations that come your way, you’ll hike in Switzerland, conquer stand-up paddle boarding in Puerto Rico, and meet long-lost Mallory relatives in Wisconsin. You’ll hike all the favorite trails in central Oregon’s Cascade Mountains that you and your husband hiked together. Only, you’ll brave them alone.

And with each “yes,” you’ll grow stronger, more resilient, more tenacious.

Spiritual growth
You’ll struggle with every piece of bad news as it hits—we’re talking self-pity, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, hopelessness—but in the long run your faith and dependency upon God will deepen.

You’ll come to understand more deeply in your heart what your head has known for a while: You are the beloved daughter of your heavenly Father, and he is able to bring good out of your hard places.

Well, Marlys, that’s all I want to say for now. Yes, there are some hard things ahead, but much good will come of it.

One day you’ll say, “I would never wish this on anyone, but I’m grateful for the wilderness years because they gave me a deeper trust in my heavenly Father. They directed my path to where I am today … and where I am today is a good, good place.”

Wishing you a hope-filled life, with love,
From an older, more experienced, more compassionate version of you

—
Sometimes, hard-earned wisdom from other, experienced women we trust can help us navigate the complexities of life with a little more ease. Here’s some of our favorite advice submitted by the writers here at Grit and Grace Life: Change Your Life with These Tips for Smart Living – 212

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThe other day, as I was participating in my daily scroll on social media, a Facebook memory popped up on my feed. It was a heartwarming throwback of me and my youngest when she was just a baby. I looked tired, yes, but also had that new-mom glow as I held my daughter in her “Baby’s First Christmas” outfit. She was three months old and this was, sadly, quite a few years ago.

I remember that picture well. We were at my in-laws’ house after church, and it was the first time I had gotten “dressed up” since giving birth. And I remember being wildly insecure about my new, mom-of-three body. I felt frumpy, overweight, and gross. I didn’t want to go, and I didn’t want to take that picture.

Fast forward, as the 40 something-year-old me looks at 32-year-old me, all I can think is, “I would give my right arm to be that frumpy right now.” Because 40 something-year-old me actually wishes she had that figure, that skin, that hair—all of the things I felt so insecure about back then.

I Don’t Recognize My Middle-Aged BodyNow, as I am deeply entrenched in my own middle-aged body and feel often like a stranger in this skin, I am envious of the woman in that picture. I’m jealous that even though she felt insecure, the weight still came off easily and things were still in the same relative place they had always been. And her body, though nursing a newborn at the time, was still decidedly more her own than the one I am in now.

The nitty gritty truth is that my middle-aged body feels alien to me. I feel like I blinked, or more accurately, turned 40, and things started to change and shift, and I honestly have no idea what is going on or who the person staring back at me in the mirror is.

Middle-aged body changes are not for the faint of heart.

Nobody Mentioned All the Body ChangesOne day I was a size 2. The next, I wasn’t. Nothing changed other than the age on my driver’s license, yet my body did not look, feel, or act the same. I started sweating. Like, a lot. And not in that glistening way you sweat when you’re working out in your 20s. I mean sweat sweat, no workout required. In fact, sweat is most likely to occur when I’m sleeping. My husband now calls me Hot Legs. This is not, by the way, a compliment.

My skin breaks out again in a weird flashback to my teenage years. I have brain fog that rivals my three-time pregnancy brain. And I’m tired and I ache. This woman who once walked New York City blocks in heels and then went dancing afterwards needs a good cup of tea and an Epsom salt bath after a short jaunt around the block.

5 Ways I Am Learning to Accept My Middle-Aged Body and Adjust with the ChangesAll of this is to say, I’ve had some trouble adjusting.

But adjust, I have. What other choice is there? Instead of wallowing in self-pity about this new body, I have to learn to live in it at the very least and love it again at the most. And the only way I was going to do that was to research, learn, and figure out what works for a 40 something-year-old woman. Because it’s become increasingly clear that what worked for 20- and 30-year-old Meg is off the table now. I need to up my middle-age game.

And this, dear friends, is how I did it. Now, I’m not a doctor, nor am I an expert. If you have serious issues or just that tugging intuition that something is less than normal in your body, please, by all means, get medical attention. These are just merely some tips and tricks I’ve used to make peace with—and yes, learn to love—this middle-aged body of mine.

1. Move Your Body, But Don’t Beat It UpWhen I was in my 20s, if I felt the need to lose a few pounds I would skip pasta, spend hours beating my body up on the treadmill, and switch to diet soda for a few weeks. It always worked, probably because I was in my 20s.

But for more mature bodies, this is not the answer. Not only is it ineffective, it also can be counterproductive. That excessive hardcore cardio that worked when we were young can actually trigger a cortisol response in our older years, eventually leading to excess belly fat. So instead, I swapped out hard cardio for strength training three times a week, which both boosts metabolism and wards off osteoporosis by strengthening bones. On alternate days, I walk or do yoga, both of which have been shown to lower cortisol and honestly, are just more enjoyable than hardcore, make-me-want-to-vomit cardio.

1. Notice the Way Your Body Responds to What You ConsumeWhen I was young, I could eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and still expect to maintain a reasonable weight. I didn’t worry about the quality of the food I was eating because, let’s face it, I was poor and ramen is cheap and tasty. But I still felt fine no matter what I ate. When you’re 20, that’s the norm.

Now, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that this isn’t always the case, and what I put into my body matters greatly. So, I began to listen, taking notice of what is serving me and what isn’t. I realized that certain foods just don’t agree with me and others make me feel good. I’ve made peace with the fact that the diet of my younger years is not going to work as I get older, and that’s okay. I focus more on whole foods and less on convenience.

I cut down on caffeine because I found that the moment I went over one cup was the moment I started to feel awful. And I cut alcohol out completely because it wrecks my sleep. This is not foolproof, mind you, but listening to your body helps you understand what works and what doesn’t for your specific metabolism (and it does vary from person to person).

1. Notice the Accounts You’re Following and Add or SubtractIf you were to spend any time on my Instagram feed, you would see primarily food pictures with a fair amount of fashion and fitness influencers mixed in for good measure. But I began to notice that most of my fashion and fitness influencers don’t look like me anymore. They’re beautiful and fit and incredibly on-trend, but they don’t look like me. They look, well, younger. And when I examined that further, I realized that while this wasn’t terribly damaging to my self-esteem, it wasn’t incredibly helpful either.

So I began to purposely seek out profiles that felt like mirrors. I found fashion influencers to help me dress (more on that below) in Jaime Diehly Style, MelanieKPersonalStylist and The Glam Gypsy, and I found fitness professionals to help me figure out what works best for my middle-aged body in gurus like carrotsncake.

I didn’t weed out and unfollow everyone younger than me, but I did add in people who reflect where I am today and can provide good valuable content to help me be my best self at 42 and beyond.

1. Learn How to Dress Your Middle-Aged Body and Feel ConfidentI will be the first person to admit that some of the changes I’ve gone through in middle age have actually been for my benefit. The pounds I have put on were, for the most part, needed as I have been underweight for most of my adult life. I just didn’t feel comfortable with them, and more importantly, I had no idea how to dress myself once they appeared.

The same rules didn’t apply any longer, and the things I had been wearing for decades did not work for me. So instead of fighting against nature and trying to reshape my body back into an ideal it was never going to reach again, I decided to work with what I have.

For me, that meant hitting up a personal shopper for a fitting session. I had her take my measurements, explain to me about body shape and help me figure out what classic pieces I could wear that would flatter, rather than detract from, my newfound curves. And you know what? Once I did this, I began to see the benefits of my new shape and began to love the skin I was in.

This doesn’t require a trip to the personal shopper, though. If cost prohibits you from taking this plunge, check out Pinterest and the amazing Instagram profiles I listed above or my Instagram for style advice and sizing guides. There are incredible resources out there to help you figure out your shape and how to dress it.

Instead of fighting against nature and trying to reshape my body back into an ideal it was never going to reach again, I decided to work with what I have.

1. Appreciate What You’ve Got and Consider, “What Defines Me?”At the risk of sounding trite, all of these physical swaps and switches are never going to work if we don’t get our story straight about who we are and what we’re worth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with working to change things we don’t love about our appearance and our bodies. There is nothing wrong with striving to look better and be better versions of ourselves. There is something wrong, though, when we start to focus so heavily on the ideal and the change that we forget that we are loved exactly as we are and to appreciate the life that got us here.

See, we are valued beyond measure whether we have new wrinkles (which I do) and more grey hair (also yes) or we don’t. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, those wrinkles are physical representations of the lifetime of smiles and laughs I’ve had with the people I love. The grey hair, well, as much as I hate it, it’s probably from the act of motherhood and these three kids I’ve been charged with raising into responsible, kind adults. And that’s okay, too.

Recognizing that I’m worthy of love no matter what the scale says or how much I sweat at weird times is a key component to the mental game of aging. Because once I am fully grounded in my worth and my value, I am free to continue my journey towards becoming my best middle-aged self not because I need to feel valued but because I want to. And trust me, dear friends, there is a huge difference.

For more tips for the middle age life follow Meaghan on Instagram.

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Don’t forget to love yourself for who you are, too. Check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Makes a Woman Beautiful (Might Surprise You) – 043

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintGrowing up in a military town, I swore I’d never marry a military guy. I didn’t want anyone owning my husband more than I did. Years later, I found myself falling for another type of man, one who runs into fires when everyone else rushes out. There were lots of things I didn’t know before falling for my firefighter, but thinking about it now, the lessons I’ve acquired as a firefighter’s wife are valuable for any marriage.

I learned quick that being a “fire wife” wasn’t for the faint of heart. When my new date was called to work the wildland fire in Paradise, California, he told me he’d text me with updates. Five days ticked by with no messages as I watched the news report that the town of Paradise was burned off the map. Soon, his apology texts poured in. He explained when the fire got too hot, the cell towers melted down, making it impossible to get any signal in or out. He’d only just been released home after an accident involving an axe in the burning forest.

I was so grateful he was alive, scheduling our next date ASAP. With each “sounding of the tones” for a call at his station, I began to understand more intimately the tools needed in my own arsenal for this life.

5 Marriage Lessons from a Firefighter’s Wife (That Are Valuable for Any Marriage) Strength. While I’ve heard partnership is give and take, I like the idea that marriage is giving 100% and expecting nothing in return. From that viewpoint, I find it easier to hold it together on the days I really want to unravel, letting my husband feel the brunt of my frustrations. Practicing empathy is a huge asset when I’m choosing how to respond to my husband. I don’t know what happened during his days at the fire station, so it might be completely unproductive to unload my complaints right when he walks in the door.

Make no mistake, I’ve done it. A lot. Many a day he has come home from something crazy only to encounter me acting crazy. He always tries to be gracious with me, but the reality is we’re both humans, so sometimes it can be ugly. Life is hard.

After making the mistake of unloading on him in poor timing, I’ve learned other ways to fortify myself and build my own strength for dealing with situations when he is unavailable. Always a huge advocate for therapy, I feel sometimes it’s nicer talking to a trained professional about my problems over someone untrained anyways.

Journaling, daily time of meditation and prayer, an exercise routine, a community of friends for serious chats and other friends for good light-hearted fun—these are a few places from which I derive strength. No husband can be our everything. No one person can be our everything. Being a fire wife challenges me to get strength from other relationships, from my own hobbies, from my own faith, from the things I pursue while we are apart.

Support. Two things about support as a fire wife, you’ve got to be prepared to give it and to get it. Just as I need to gain strength from sources apart from my husband, I support him in doing the same. He needs friends, family, hobbies, faith, good food and exercise to flourish in his roles as a firefighter and husband.

I personally feel like our marriage vows mean I assumed the role of supporting him, not just expecting him to support me. Sometimes the best way I can support him is taking a step back and allowing him quiet time, other times the best thing is to plan us an event with friends we haven’t seen in a while.

It’s an organic process, feeling out the best way to support someone regularly exposed to the world’s worst traumas and perpetrators, but it is worth it to keep trying. Being silent and giving him the space to process before he opens up in his own time is another way I’ve learned to support this guy who, like most guys, has a hard time opening up about his feelings.

As for getting support, we’ve got to be willing to ask for and accept help. There is no shame in asking for help and being vulnerable enough to tell a friend or family member when we need a chat or a shoulder for crying. First responders’ spouses are similar to military spouses in the way they bond over difficulties of the lifestyle and grow closer because of it.

There are chunks of days where he gets “mando,” or mandatory overtime we weren’t expecting. When we make plans with friends, they’re always flexible in case my firefighter doesn’t get to come home. Our social lives creep along as weekends are a rarity for us, but weekends are also the time when everyone else typically hangs out. The sacrifices of being in a fire family are real, but so worth it when you can’t imagine being married to anyone else.

There is no shame in asking for help and being vulnerable enough to tell a friend or family member when we need a chat or a shoulder for crying.

And I’m not going to lie—not everyone is a safe place for our dynamic. There are friends and family members who have complained about our lack of availability, taken offense to the missing of birthdays or holidays due to his unpredictable schedule. This lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and not always easy to understand. Thankfully, I found people in my life who are available when he is gone, supportive of the lifestyle we lead, and flexible enough to wait for when we can all get together as a family.

Sleep. As a parent, a working woman, or just a human in general, I realize the value of sleep. It’s easy to make excuses for our own grumpy behavior, our own impatience, or any of our flaws when we’re coping with a lack of sleep. As a fire wife, I’ve realized how important it is to be gracious with my husband in this area, too. Surprise, men can suffer from lack of sleep! Early on in our marriage, I thankfully found a blog post written by a seasoned fire wife advising to always ask your husband about his night to set a barometer for the quality of your day.

Sometimes my husband would come home with the tired visible on him. Other times, he’d come from the fire station “as right as rain,” having had a regular shift of ladder drills and cooking with the guys at the station. Other days, he’d come home seemingly energetic only for me to discover he was running on an adrenaline high from a long night of horrific, sometimes traumatizing, calls. Horrible car accidents. Gunshot victims. Suicides. Sleep is never a given when the tones sound throughout the night during his 48 to 96 hour shifts.

With the same grace I’d like for my bad moods when I’m exhausted, I should treat my husband as another human being with equal limitations.

Self-sufficiency. Every relationship requires balance between connection and autonomy. Being a fire wife requires a unique balance of needing, wanting, and being self-sufficient apart from my often-absent husband. Social media is full of partners, both female and male spouses, jaded from growing used to their spouse’s absence. It’s easy to become so self-sufficient our partner doesn’t seem needed anymore.

Gradually, I’ve learned to leave some jobs around the house undone because A.) They’re just not my skill-set and B.) I want my fire hubby to know that he is still a much-needed member of this household. I feel the same way about fun events.

Sure, I could plan any and everything with the girls, but sometimes it’s worth the wait to bring along the man with whom I chose to spend my life! If it’s something we’d both be excited about, I try to save it for a day when we can both thoroughly enjoy it. We prioritize weekly, sometimes bi-monthly, date nights with the same fervor as we prioritize caring for our health.

I’ve found a rhythm of activities and events best served when he is away at the station for days. Some “girls days” with my friends are better spent when the hubby is at work, giving us ladies hours to catch up without worrying about “when to get home.” Sometimes it’s super lonely when he is gone for four consecutive days at the fire station, but it also gives me a chance to do all the fun things I know he doesn’t really enjoy!

Even sitting down to write, I get more done when he is at work than when he is home. I’d always rather have him home, but I’ve learned to live with the absences in productive ways. In the rare chunks of time where we find ourselves together for days, it’s easier to thoroughly enjoy one another’s company, then separate a few hours to pursue our own interests. We’re constantly perfecting the balance of being autonomous yet deeply connected.

Sacrifice. Watch any first responder movie and this one goes without saying. If you’re in for a tear-jerker, watch something about the Granite Mountain Hotshots or the firefighter families following the 9/11 terror attacks. I’ve learned the sacrifice required by marriage compounds in the sacrifice of marrying a firefighter.

Sure, there’s the loneliness, the finicky schedule preventing us from planning with friends or family, and the lack of celebrating holidays, but it’s the constant threat against my husband’s psyche and physical being that really keeps me on my knees praying. While our suburban home area gives him respite, when he is at the fire station located in a bad part of the city, he is always on high alert. The injuries, attacks, and illnesses he responds to daily not only put him at risk but translate to fears and anxieties back at home.

I’ve learned respect his wishes when it sounds like he is being overly cautious, realizing I don’t know the details of what he just witnessed only hours before getting home. After his closest coworker was shot at taking out the trash at the fire station, he asked me not to come visit them for a while. It’s hard not swinging by the station to see him when he can be gone for days on end, but the reality is he wouldn’t ask without a reason. Our family feels the sacrifice of what he does, vowing to support and carry him when there are calls too difficult to process alone.

Firefighters, at least the ones I know, are wonderful human beings. They have huge hearts, are great cooks, find their firehouse to be a family, are constantly at risk, and really need and appreciate any love and support afforded to them. I’m honored to be a firefighter’s wife, with all the pressures and perks coming with the role. Some marriages are work, but this one is fire.

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Want more marriage advice? Tune into this podcast episode: How Do I Build a Healthy Marriage? – 178

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWe launched our sister project, Smart Living with Grit and Grace, a few months ago as a dedicated platform for women to exchange all the practical tips, advice and encouragement they’ve gleaned over the years.

They cover everything from both heartwarming and not-so-pretty motherhood moments; how to overcome loneliness and adapt to change; the top things they wish they knew in their twenties; Valentine’s Day gifts that women really want; their favorite quotes and one-liners that help them walk their own grit and grace life, and tons more.

In this episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender share several of the Smart Living tips submitted by our team of writers. (Reader note: These have been compiled in an ebook, which is available to download for free below!) We hope you’ll enjoy these tidbits of wisdom and find them applicable in your own life.

Quote of the episode:

“Real beauty is found in a woman’s strength.” —Darlene Brock

ResourcesMentions:—Click here to download our Smart Living ebook—free!
—Visit our sister project, Smart Living with Grit and Grace
—Check out our advice column, Ask Dr. Zoe
—Listen to our recent podcast episode with Allison McCormick: Racism—How Can We Help Fight It? with Allison McCormick – 206
—Listen to our podcast episode with Rachel Hagstrom: Need a Life Overhaul? Wellness Expert Rachel Hagstrom Tells You How – 189

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Twitter40FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint41SHARES‘Jan’ Asked:How do I even begin to connect with my teen stepdaughter? She is 15-years-old and disrespectful to her mom and me… Having already raised five of my own, I don’t have much patience for her entitlement and laziness. She is involved in many activities like show choir and cheerleading but truly her attitude is horrid… I understand life is not easy and she wants to fit in… The only time she is nice is when she wants me to buy her something.

Her mom doesn’t know what to do with her and often gives in because she doesn’t want to fight. My husband has severe health issues and is firm, but quiet… So then she just stays in her room. I want her to interact with us a bit and get off the phone! I want her to be able to function as an adult but have no idea how to reach her…. any suggestions?

Dr. Zoe Answered:Having raised five children, you clearly have a handle on child rearing, but it’s a whole different world when you are raising someone else’s child.

Teens can drive you crazy, especially when you are just stepping into a parent role. In fact, the hardest time for a blended family to form is when there are teenagers in the mix. So I feel for you—both of you. This is no cake walk for her either.

The benefit of having a child from birth is that your little ones are just so darn adorable and cute. It’s all a big scheme so that you will get addicted to them and want to connect with them. It works because you have years to store up love for the drought of their teenage years when they turn into monsters.

They feel our love from day one and they know they belong to us. That speaks volumes when you are correcting them and applying discipline. Plus, they are steeped in the culture of the family we created. Even if they get on our last nerve, we still kind of get them. None of this is the case with your teen stepdaughter.

Unfortunately, you’re on your back foot when becoming a step-parent.

You don’t get that benefit when you jump in during monster season—and neither does she. Please know that this is just as tough for her as it is for you. And it’s not her job to make it easier. It is your job to figure this out. You’re asking the question, so you’re doing your job.

It is always 100% the parent’s responsibility to maintain and grow a healthy relationship with your child. The child is at best a passive learner in this show. Often we feel that our children should be reciprocal in this process and we get our feelings hurt when they are not.

Don’t worry, once your child is an adult (and that age is debatable and different for each child), the relationship should become 50/50. If you have modeled relationship building pretty well, this transition happens organically and your child takes on that role.

Additionally, because you are human, I know that you are projecting things onto her that don’t belong and she is projecting traits and attributes onto you that don’t apply. Welcome to blended family drama.

And by the way, you chose this party (although I know you didn’t know what kind of party it would be). She just got drug along, as all kids do, and she has no choice but to stay.

Connecting with a teen is hard, but worth the effort, mama.

So, if she stays in her room all the time, my suggestion is to make a regular habit of going in there. You go to her, don’t expect her to come to you. Find something silly about show choir or cheerleading on the internet and show it to her. Show up to as many of her activities and games as possible. Ask her for clothing or makeup advice (who cares if you don’t like her style), connect with her on her level about stuff she’s interested in. Make the times you show up in her room times she can look forward to—never about criticism.

And make it very clear that you are an adult in her life who wants to connect with her. Let her know that you know that you aren’t her mother and don’t want that role or title, but you do want to be a trusted adult.

The hardest emotional part about trying to connect with a teenager is that there is no progress bar. Much of what is going on is underground, and they may not be giving you any indication that they are warming up. It’s easy to give up on them. So, you have to keep trudging in the desert, believing that if you keep on walking, you will get to your destination.

When you notice she is warming up to your presence, suggest taking her shopping, getting coffee, or getting her nails done. I know she’s entitled, but you have to meet people where they are. Kids don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care, and you have to put in a lot of care first. You will find that as you continue to reach out, she will too—eventually.

Change your expectations to connecting instead of correcting. She’s 15. She’s been raised to be entitled and lazy. Don’t expect her to be any different than she is. Try to look very hard for her redeeming qualities (yes, they’re there) and remember that you teach as much through your modeling and presence as you do through words. She’ll pay attention to what you model more when she feels that you care about her and accept her.

It’s a tough road being a stepmom. Having raised five kids, you already know that this is a season and a journey that has an end. Because you have the care and interest in connecting with her, you will. It will just take some time and might not look as pretty as you imagined.

You’ve got this. It just takes a little grit and grace!

—For more encouragement on blended families, check out this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: A Therapist’s Practical Advice for Blended Families with Dr. Zoe Shaw – 050

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint“Please have a seat in the waiting room, someone will be with you shortly,” replied the receptionist at the check-in desk. My husband and I went to sit down in the waiting room as directed. As we sat on the industrial chairs, I started to look around at my surroundings. I hadn’t eaten in almost a day and hadn’t consumed fluids in over 18 hours. I think I would have just been sick if only I had the energy at this point to even get sick. We may have only waited for almost an hour but it felt like days.

Between the TV and the murmur of conversations, the waiting room was quiet but noisy at the same time. My husband worked quietly with his computer balanced on his lap while I just sat there looking at the people around me, unable to concentrate on anything, not even on social media. My mind started to whirl with the “what ifs,” the anxiety of waiting, not knowing for certain what was behind door number two, much less door number one. I started questioning whether I would have the strength for this test. I just wanted to lie down and be held in the arms of Jesus.

One Tool We Always Have: PrayerMy husband looked up from his work to make small talk with me, asking if I was okay and rubbing my back trying to comfort me. Have you ever been there, in the waiting room? Maybe it’s a real waiting room, maybe it’s a figurative one, but all the same, you are waiting for an answered prayer.

When we are in the waiting rooms of life, God is sitting there with us. He is sitting there while we grumble that He is being slow in answering our prayers, and He is there when we are begging Him to answer our prayers. Bargaining with whatever we can grasp onto.

As the nurse came to get me and started walking me back to the procedure room, she walked me through the different things that would happen. She went through everything step by step. I couldn’t focus at the time even though I tried to pay attention to what she was saying.

Finding God In the Waiting RoomFinally, when it was time to start the procedure, she said to put my head down like you are praying. Prayer… I grasped that concept. That was about the only thing that I could wrap my head around at the time. Prayer.

I started praying, “Papa, I don’t feel good and I am too weak. Please, Lord, I know you are strong, You are my strength and my song. Help me Lord, I don’t want to do this procedure but I know we need it for the doctors to figure out what’s wrong. Hold me, Papa, don’t let me go. Thank you for this sweet nurse who reminded me to pray.”

The nurse’s voice broke my thoughts in time for me to hear her tell me to breathe in like smelling roses. I thought it was more like breathing in Jesus’ strength and exhaling the anxiety. Deep breaths, Brianna. Breathe in Jesus, exhale the hurt. Breathe in Jesus, exhale the pain. Breathe in Jesus, exhale the negativity.

The test lasted over an hour, but once I was able to focus on breathing Jesus in and exhaling the discomforts, and negative things the procedure went by quicker. I felt stronger the more I focused on this breathing technique.

Once we were finally done the nurse walked me back out to my husband. She looked at my husband and told him that I had done great and that the doctor would have the results to me in ten to fourteen days. I haven’t consumed food or fluids during that procedure, yet I walked out of there stronger because of our Heavenly Father. I was no longer in the literal waiting room waiting for the procedure; now I was in the mental waiting room waiting on the results. Ten to fourteen days—that is a lot of googling to figure out what’s wrong with me.

When Our Desires Don’t Align with God’s TimingSometimes those waiting rooms in life can be more than we can handle on our own. The waiting can seem like forever, especially when we feel like others’ prayers are being answered. God’s timing is perfect. The apostle, Simon Peter, says, “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day” (2 Peter 3:8 NIV).

We may not agree with God’s timing for things, but His ways are way better than anything we can conjure up. He is patient. Simon Peter continues in the next verse with, “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9 NIV). God is never late; His timing is never off.

As humans, we wrestle with this idea more and more because we live in a society of instant gratification—Can we say, “Alexa, I need it now?” What happened to waiting on the good things? A good meal takes time to prepare and cook. Instead, we would forgo the delicious meal for an instant box of fill-in-the-blank. God’s timing is like prime rib—you can’t rush the cooking, otherwise it’s ruined. And if you speed up the cooking, it’s tough. To cook to perfection you have to slow-roast it, and life sometimes is slow-roasted. You just have to keep cooking while God’s working out the rest.

Today what are you holding on to that you need to let go of? I invite you to breathe in Jesus, exhale and let go of the negative, the pain, the hurt, and the lies, and keep breathing in Jesus while you are waiting on God and His timing. The waiting can be long but God gives us all that we need in order to endure the wait.

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Maybe the wait wasn’t the problem—the result was. Here’s how to reconcile your faith when it’s taken a hit: “Why, God?” Finding Hope when Faith Is Battered – 188

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintOne of my young friends, Charity, lost her husband and 3-year-old son in a tragic way. Two weeks into widowhood and deep grief, a family member said to her in exasperation, “When are you going to get over this?”

When a fellow nursing student learned of Charity’s indescribable loss, it made her feel physically ill. “When something that big happens to someone you care about,” she said, “people don’t know how to handle it. So they run away because it’s very painful to be around the person. I let Charity know I was available. And I wasn’t afraid to hear her trauma.”

It’s important to acknowledge the losses and sorrows of our friends and family and neighbors, and to walk toward them instead of away from them. And yet, most of us don’t know what to say. Until I experienced my own season of widowhood, I tended to shy away from people in grief—embarrassed about not knowing what to say—when maybe all they wanted was for me to recognize their pain and loss.

With that in mind, here are a few things you probably shouldn’t say to a new widow:1. “I know what you’re going through” (and then start talking about your own bereavement).

No two losses can ever be compared because people are so beautifully unique, and because extenuating circumstances are so diverse. Even if you’ve had a spouse die, you can never know exactly what another widow is experiencing.

Instead, say, “I can’t imagine how you must feel,” and then listen long and well as you invite her to respond.

2. “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

Avoid spiritual platitudes and clichés, like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Instead, ask about the loss: “What was it like?” Acknowledge the achievement of a long union: “You guys had an amazing marriage, but I would imagine it wasn’t long enough. How’s your heart?”

3. “Be grateful for the years you had together.”

Of course the new widow is grateful for the years she had with her husband. But at this moment, she’s not feeling grateful. Because her life partner just died. Don’t comment on what you think might be a positive aspect about the passing of a loved one because there are no positives as far as the newly bereaved are concerned.

Instead, try something like this: “I know it was a terminal diagnosis and maybe you were expecting this, but it must still feel so raw and painful.”

4. “You look really tired. You need to take better care of yourself.”

Yes, the new widow is exhausted in every imaginable way—physically, mentally, and emotionally. I remember all the details that needed tending to as a new widow, and yes it was exhausting and overwhelming. But you don’t need to point out the obvious.

Instead, offer to provide a bit of care: “I can’t imagine how exhausting this must be. Can I come over and cook a large pot of soup, and then package up a supply of it for your freezer?”

5. “Shouldn’t you be past this by now?”

There’s no template for how or how long to grieve. The bereaved are free to mourn in any way they choose, and for however long it takes to get back into life.

Instead, offer the griever understanding and time to process their loss.

6. “You’ll want to clear out your husband’s things as soon as possible.”

Avoid giving advice, like, “You should get a dog … join a grief group … take up yoga”—even if it was beneficial to you in the past.

Instead of giving advice, simply listen. Listen, and ask questions that invite them to talk. And then listen some more.

Have you noticed a common thread throughout? Being a good listener helps create a powerful connection. It shows that you value the thoughts and feelings of the other person.

“The most loving thing you can do is listen to them without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.” – GriefRecoveryMethod.com

Sometimes, You Just Need to ListenKeep in mind, though, that some people aren’t comfortable talking about personal matters. If you get a feeling that your friend or co-worker isn’t ready to voice her sorrow, then respect that.

Instead, say, “I’m here to listen when you feel like talking.” And then check in on her from time to time.

In her book, Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist wrote about a loss, about feeling hurt and tender, and remembering exactly who walked the other direction when they saw her and who walked toward her.

Niequist understood that people often don’t know what to say in the face of sorrow. Or they say the wrong thing. But Niequist asserts: “If you don’t know what to say, try this: ‘I heard what happened, and I don’t know what to say.’”

This will take grit and grace, but instead of walking away, turn toward your people. Say something compassionate. And listen.

—
For more on supporting a friend during their grief, here’s some insight from a writer who lost her mom:

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Twitter4FacebookLinkedIn105PinterestPrint109SHARESTo the woman lacking self-confidence, it can appear as though everyone around her is acing life with flying colors. She might tend to second-guess her decisions constantly. She often battles a distorted, negative view of herself. When she becomes a mom, her confidence levels soar one minute and then reach unprecedented lows the next if her self-worth depends on her parenting skills. I know because I am that woman.

To All the Women Lacking Self-ConfidenceI’m probably the least qualified person to dish out advice regarding confidence (see the irony there!). As one all-too-familiar with the aforementioned internal musings and mindsets, my self-confidence has been on shaky grounds for much of my adolescent and adult life. The same nervous way I’d present a project in front of my high school English Lit class still makes an encore from time to time when I speak in front of groups of people.

I am prone to overanalyze my performance, judge myself too harshly, and wage an endless fight with the shame bully. When it comes to motherhood, my lack of confidence has vacillated depending on my kids’ behavior or the state of affairs in my household.

I have only started looking at my (lack of) confidence introspectively over the last couple years, and taking steps to conquer my limiting beliefs toward myself. And though there is a myriad of layers that require hard work and sifting, I know my daughters are watching me and learning about themselves in the process. I want them to grow up to be confident, wholehearted women one day…and I also want the same for myself.

My journey toward self-love has taught me that it’s imperative to invest in myself the same way I invest in my kids, and seek to know and understand myself on a deeper level.

Practical Ways to Boost Your ConfidenceConsider learning new skills or growing stronger in existing ones.

• Sewing, crafting, knitting (check out places like JoAnn, Michaels, or local meetup groups)
• Writing (a writing group and online classes are great places to start)
• Pottery, painting, drawing, calligraphy
• Public speaking (Toastmasters is an international group with local clubs)
• Aerial yoga, swimming, weight-lifting, barre, train for a marathon
• Music lessons
• Foreign languages
• Non-credit classes at your local community college or university

Get to know yourself on a deeper level.

• Kill the negative self-talk (I know this is hard, but it changes everything!)
• Meet with a therapist, life coach, and/or spiritual mentor
• Volunteer toward a cause you’re passionate about
• Attend conferences, listen to podcasts, and read books by inspiring individuals
• Consider and learn how your faith intersects with self-confidence
• Make it your mission to do something out of your comfort zone daily
• Allow yourself to dream big (write down your aspirations and keep them in front of you)
• Surround yourself with encouraging, growth-minded individuals
• Identify where you are the active agent in your life and start shifting priorities (Sure, there are plenty of factors that are simply out of our control, but there are also areas where we do have power. Diet, exercise, relationships, and free time activities are great places to start.)
• Declutter (Yes! Purging, organizing, and saying goodbye to unnecessary things—both externally and internally—raises our confidence levels because we get rid of the items that no longer serve us.)

Growing Confidence Takes Time—And GraceIn all transparency, I haven’t discovered a secret formula that’s radically raised my confidence levels overnight (although I wish there were a magic potion!). Still, it’s something budding within me as I become more grounded in who I am. A large part of that journey entails unlearning former ways of thinking, like believing my self-worth depends on what others say or think about me.

Over time, as you begin to make meaningful investments in yourself and seek out ways to discover new, unknown parts of you, you’ll start to realize where your true worth as a woman lies. As you do, you’ll learn how to extend grace and love to yourself—not in a prideful, boasting sort of way, but in the same way you’d love and respect a cherished friend. In the process, you’ll be modeling for your kids the immeasurable value we should all place on our lives.

So move forward with grit and grace—you are worth it.

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: These Strategies Will Help You Raise Great Kids – 063!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintMy inner critic, never at a loss for words, says “leave the place better than you found it.” Where she gets her information, and when she chooses to spring it on me is a mystery, but I listen up because sometimes she is simply right.

The impetus to leave a place better than I found it would relate to cabin rentals, campsites and other places of temporary refuge. As it relates to backpacking in the wilderness or camping Anywhere, USA, it is always the goal to leave no trace. Not everyone operates by this standard, sadly, but I do my part to pick up after myself (and often those that came before me) so the deer, bunnies, and timber tigers don’t have to organize to construct walls to keep us out.

Leave It Better Than You Found ItHow can I begin to think about this concept from my birth to my death – leave “the place” better than I found it? I have lived in just a couple of different places in my lifetime: Los Angeles, California, and Bend, Oregon, so far. I have visited lots of places around the world. It has been my custom to tidy up before I leave. I pick up trash, do what I can to help, and hopefully do some acts of kindness before I depart. I always shut off the lights.

With respects to leaving my life at some unknown future time, I would like to carry on with this well-stated tradition. I would like to clean up on my way out. I like the idea of “leave no trace”—sweeping the place clean so no one can tell I was there. I would like to mind my trace by leaving a good impression on the hearts of my loved ones and people I have known along the way. Perhaps it will be the smell of me left over from a hug as sometimes happens when cheeks brush against each other in an embrace.

I would like to mind my trace by leaving a good impression on the hearts of my loved ones and people I have known along the way.

When I was taught to vacuum, I was instructed to sweep the machine from the furthest point of a room working my way backward towards the door. No prints should be visible in the carpet or flooring. This is how I would like to go. I want to leave the brush of love and God’s greatness in my life as the brush strokes on a carpet freshly swept. There will be no empty La Croix can, Chomps meat stick wrapper, or wax papers from saltwater taffy. “Spit spot,” Mary Poppins would say.

What—and How Much—Will You Be Leaving Behind?I reckon I will live a few years still, Lord willing. I look around my place and see nothing but heavy trace everywhere. There are plants galore, furniture, dishes, clothing, appliances, a faithful Labrador Retriever and a really great husband. I cannot see it from where I sit, but I know the garage houses a car I love and a small collection of boxes that contain a lifetime of cards, letters and journals.

What is to become of these? The dog is in her sunset years and every day is a gift with her. The really great husband is in God’s hands where I put him long ago and only God knows the number of his days. What about all of the stuff? What of the books, artwork, china, jewelry, and loads of personal effects that likely no one wants? Why hold onto all of these items? What can I do with it other than collect it together and call it “my life?”

At the turn of a new year, I set to ponder my goals. What did I do with an entire year past and what can I hope to accomplish in the year ahead? If I do not set some kind of intention for the future, not much will change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Gone are my days of planning career goals. Most of my personal goals are met. I have lost the weight, quit most of my bad behavior and am in a new period of my life. Sure, it takes time and effort to maintain my winnings and mind the gates of my schedule and mouth lest other rascally behaviors gain access to my life. “Exercise and eat right,” I remind myself. “If it tastes good, spit it out” Jack LaLanne advised. Ha! When a speaker has covered their material and is winding down their talk they say, “I will close with this.” What will be my closing?

How to Mind Your TraceI still have some tricks up my sleeve. I want to use my time to weave love and encouragement into the lives of those God allows me to come alongside. Time takes time and I have it to give. With the change leftover in my pocket I will spend my time with purpose. I will mind my trace and begin the long journey to the exit, sweeping the place clean as I go.

I think of Laura Ingalls Wilder moving across the prairie with her family. Pa had the fiddle, that’s for sure, and Ma had the porcelain figure that sat up on a shelf. Otherwise, the family travelled light. They did not haul off garbage dumpsters of collected unwanted stuff each time they moved and they surely did not hire Mayflower Movers.

This is my goal as I go forward: I want to mind my trace by making an impact on people’s hearts through time spent together and gifts of memories and words that will outlast me, and I want to reduce my footprint on planet Earth. I will winnow down my treasures to a precious few, perhaps carry them in a little bag as mementos of God’s goodness, kindness, grace and mercy like Much Afraid in Hind’s Feet for High Places.

God has been faithfully present to me. This is what I want to keep, ponder in my heart. May He grant me wisdom to know how to handle all of the good gifts He has provided, and when it is time, help me turn off the light and close the door.

—
Leaving the world better than you found it can sometimes involve uncomfortable, necessary work and hard conversations. Here’s one way you can help: Racism—How Can We Help Fight It? with Allison McCormick – 206

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Twitter468FacebookLinkedIn19PinterestPrint487SHARESWaiting well.

It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? I mean, who likes to wait? I find myself getting anxious and discontent when I am sitting in the waiting room at my doctor’s office and it is only five minutes past my initial appointment time.

We are a people who do not like to wait. Heck, we even have apps that allow us to pre-order our vanilla lattes from Starbucks just so we don’t have to wait in line when we pick it up. We live in a fast-paced society that thrives on instant anything!

So, when we hear the words “waiting well,” it would obviously sound foreign and even impossible for us to accomplish in our lives.

Whether we’re waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store or the bathroom line at halftime during the NBA finals, we will eventually face the inevitable.

We live in a fast-paced society that thrives on instant…anything!

Long Seasons of Waiting Are HardMaybe you’re waiting for that next job opportunity and wondering how you are going to provide for your family…

Or waiting for the college acceptance letter to your dream school…

Or going through numerous pregnancy tests, waiting for one to show up positive…

Or waiting for a broken family to be restored…

These waiting seasons bring a lot of pain and heartache. Sometimes even a lot of tears. We question God and wonder if He will ever fulfill His promises in our lives. It is our human nature to feel frustrated and anxious because we lack control over our circumstances. You see, when we have to wait, it feels like someone else is disrupting our progress. We cry out like David did in Psalm 13:1-2, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day?”

How many times have you cried out, “How long, O Lord? How long am I going to have to wait?”

I would imagine you even feel forgotten at times. I certainly have. You feel angry and rejected by God. You feel confused because you haven’t gotten any answers. But, beloved friend, I am here to encourage you to take heart because there is always hope with our Almighty God. He is doing a work inside of us that cannot be accomplished any other way except to endure the waiting season.

Charles Stanley said, “Waiting on God is one of the most difficult lessons you and I will ever learn.” I have to agree with him, but it is in this season where God wants to cultivate a character of praise, patience, and peace in us. It is when we embrace the growing pains and let God do His work in us that we begin to find ourselves waiting on God well.

Encouragement During Your WaitingHere are 5 things to remember when you’re trying to wait well.

1. God is always on time.While it seems that God is delaying according to our timelines, we need to understand that God is never late. We try to restrict an infinite God to our time table, but He is outside the realm of time. So, God may require us to wait because what we are praying for may not be ready. You see, God is orchestrating so much in the unseen. He is moving people around and changing circumstances to get things into place to answer your request at the right moment. We need to trust and patiently wait for His perfect timing. Kent Crockett said, “The Lord is more concerned about you receiving His best than about how quickly you can get it.” Let’s rejoice and praise God for preparing His best for us.

2. Wait actively.Waiting is downright hard. But it is in these seasons where we can choose to grow or retreat. God is trying to grow you exactly where you are. God is establishing a deep root system in us during this time. Don’t passively wait through this season, but choose to grow through it by accepting the assignment God has for you today. Ask Him in prayer to reveal the purpose of this waiting season and what He wants you to focus on. God wants to see us be faithful with the portion He has already given us.

But, beloved friend, I am here to encourage you to take heart because there is always hope with our Almighty God.

1. God withholds no good thing.Psalm 84:11 says, “The Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” I came across this Bible verse in a season of waiting. It took an incredible amount of strength to believe it, but the more I claimed it over my life the more I began to see my heart change. I have learned that if God is withholding something, perhaps it is not a good thing (at least for right now). Our God longs to give us good gifts; that is in His nature. So, while it may seem that God is withholding something from us, we need to lean not on our own understanding but trust in His wisdom and timing. We must surrender our limited knowledge and trust in our infinite God.

2. God wants an intimate relationship with His children.In my season of waiting, I have learned that God will allure us into the wilderness just to get our attention. He longs and desires to have an intimate and loving relationship with His children. Sometimes He will delay answering our prayers in order to keep our eyes and heart focused on Him. God wants us to seek Him, so He allows a yearning to surface in our lives. He delays so that our search for Him would grow more deeply. Eventually, God becomes more important to us than the original need. It is God that satisfies the longing of our hearts in a way we could have never imagined. We tend to get too focused on the gifts rather than the Giver of the gifts, our Lord God. He is teaching us to rely solely upon Him. So, keep seeking Him in this season of waiting.

3. God values persistence and perseverance.You may be tired of waiting, but I am encouraging you to take heart and to not lose hope. God delights in us when we keep on seeking, keep on asking, and keep on knocking. Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

The key is to not give up! God isn’t just randomly making us wait. There is purpose in these seasons. Remember, He is working out the answers we seek in the unseen. Our persistence reveals the depth of our desires and burdens. So, be that persistent knocker, seeking God and taking your requests to Him. We honor the Lord by persistently praying. He desires to have us trust Him enough to continue praying even if we have prayed about something countless times.

God is teaching us to rely solely upon Him. So, keep seeking Him in this season of waiting.

In a hard season? Be encouraged here.—For more encouraging articles, check out:When Hope is Your Bravest Choice
When You Go “All in” on the Life Hand You’ve Been Dealt
Battered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You Struggle
Skillet’s Jen Ledger Shares How to Have Faith Over Fear
Good Can Come When You Live in the Shadow
Does God Really Love Us?

Don’t miss these popular articles:What Your Grieving Friend Really Wants You to Know
Anatomy of a Strong Woman
Being Pregnant Is Hard! 4 Truths for a Mom-To-Be
The Good Christian Girl Who Struggled With Porn
What to Do When He Didn’t Propose (But Should Have)
#gritandgracelife

You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Hardship Hit This Singer’s Life and She Chose to Fight! with Cameron James Pt. 1 – 048!**

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintToday is the first day of spring. The sun has melted away the 20-degree temps we awoke to. Makes me think Mother Nature was hibernating herself.

I was born in the spring. My birthday has even landed on Easter a couple times, which was way more exciting when you were a kid. I would get a big chocolate bunny on my birthday cake. I love how in the spring you can see everything come to life. The trees, the seedlings, the flowers. My favorite flower has always been a daisy even before Drew Barrymore rocked them in the 90s.

Spring Is a Fresh StartNot sure if it’s the flowers or the fruits, but there’s something about spring that excites my soul. I love a fresh start, so I assume that is why I am drawn to this time of year like a moth to a flame. New Years, a Monday, the first of the month, spring—all are chances for us start again and become the person God intended us to be. The person we were supposed to be before losing our way or living up to someone else’s expectations. I realized just this past winter that the cold season of hibernation gives us ample time to depend on God and really dig deep.

In the digging we can find our authentic selves so we can see the fruit of the spirit come to life in the spring. We can make choices every day that lead us to become that person—that wife, mother, friend. I know I am enjoying the rebirth of the season already. I am ready to come out of the blankets and books and begin again.

Observe the Good and Harvest Some PositivityAfter sharing my article about winter, I was reminded one Monday how we always share the heartbreak but not so much the delightful things that happened to and through us. What if we change that this spring? What if instead of complaining we started to compliment? What if we chose to see the good instead of the bad? The flower instead of the weed?

As the buds start to bloom on the trees and our gardens get tended, what if we try see the majestic? I know I need to notice that more. In me, in my husband, in my children, in the things we face every day. There is so much beauty we leave unnoticed. Let’s try and be more observant this spring.

I could have waited to write this when we got onto our new land. When all the things we have been waiting for came to pass. But it is easy to be excited when everything is going our way. So, I am writing this now.

On the heels of winter, we’re still in a trailer at the campground. On the first day of spring I am excited not only to see this positivity grow in me and my family, but also see the person God made grow along with it. But as I write that, I’m reminded it’s when I step into His plan for my life that I can truly see the positive. Because even when things aren’t perfect, I am reminded of His plan, and I have faith in that. So, this spring I will be doing lots of excavating. Excavating the land, my heart, ready to plant and harvest what God brings forth.

—
Having trouble looking on the bright side? This podcast episode shares some practical ways to do so: What Does Optimism Bring to a Woman’s Life? – 184

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint“Look at this show-off. If she isn’t an E3, I don’t know who is.”

“I said what I said. #Enneagram8.”

And on and on and on…. or at least that’s how it has seemed in my Instagram feed lately. Finally I thought, “Okay, what gives?”

What Is the Big Deal with the Enneagram, Anyway?I went and decided to give into this Enneagram thing and find out what the heck this was about. I knew it had to do something with personality types, but I kept seeing so much of it I wondered, Was it really that new? Clearly, I was missing something.

Before I tell you what I discovered I want to first ask you something. Is your Enneagram score what defines you? Is it somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is it changeable? Or is it a result of circumstances, experience, and perception? Do we use it as an excuse for our behavior? What good does knowing our Enneagram score even do?

The Enneagram test asks you several sets of questions about how you view life, like:

—It is important to you to be successful?
—Do you care deeply about what others think of you?
—Do you avoid all negative feelings?
—Do you seek out the positive in everyone?
—Should people follow rules instead of doing what they feel like doing?

Enneagram Results: Pros and ConsIt then calculates a score and spits out a narrative of how you think and how it impacts your behavior. You can get a free snapshot giving you a slight idea of “what you’re like.”

Overall, I think personality tests can be helpful. Knowing what you are like can help you to curb some bad behavior and help you have empathy for others. Maybe it will show some weakness that you can work on. But while our culture harps on “be the change you want to see in the world,” few actually become the mantra.

Now, to really dive into my report would take forever. But overall, it typecasts me as an Enneagram 3, which is generally described as “The Achiever.” Now, at first glance it seems like a great little label. And, as I work through my doctorate program, I think this test clearly knows its stuff. But as I read through the report about each little characteristic it found by dissecting each little answer, I feel a bit exposed. Judged, even. It warns me of all the other character traits that I have to watch out for. And… they’re not all wrong.

But is that it? I’m a three and I’m stuck with it? I’m pretty sure when I was 18, I wasn’t a 3. Not even close. I don’t even think I was a 3 at 25. So, when did it happen? The issues that it identified—like my need for security and achievement—where did those come from? I don’t think those were always there. But as we go through life and process through loss and pain and success and failure, we’re changed.

So Are We Stuck with That Score?The report will make all sorts of connections to your childhood and how “something” made you this way. I’m not sure I agree. I feel like all the big things that made me who I am today happened between 18 and 36. I’m not ready to blame everything on what my parents may or may not have done right when I was little. (Let’s face it, we all learn how to parent on the fly. I’m sure there will be plenty of material for my kids to talk about in therapy one day!)

I think we continue to grow and change as people long after childhood. While those may be formative years, all of our years can be just as formative. Even now, as I near 39 + 1 years old, I am still learning and developing and changing. I am taking ownership for bad traits and trying to become my best self.

So, that leaves two choices:

I can hide behind my report. I can use it to explain away my behavior. I can talk to the world about my personality strengths and weaknesses as if they are unchangeable.

Or, I can understand what moments in life shaped me to think and act the way that I do. By understanding the roots that dictate my thinking, I can slowly start to untangle them and toss out what holds me back. I can find the root of pain that caused my need for security and ask God to heal it. I can find the root of unworthiness and remind myself that those moments don’t take away my value. I can find the root that tells me I need to achieve to be seen and remove it. I can find the root that is so concerned with how people perceive me and toss it out.

Instead I’ll look at this report and use it to spur continued growth, because I’m not done yet…and neither are you.

—
Your Enneagram score—and whatever may have happened in your past—isn’t the be-all end-all. Here’s how you can change the narrative: Do I Still Have Time to Rewrite My Life Story? with Mandisa – 192

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWhen you think of mother-daughter relationships, the many film renditions of “Freaky Friday” might come to mind. That relationship dynamic is not at all uncommon, but maybe it’s one you’re looking to pivot from, or avoid entirely as you raise your daughter.

On this episode of This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender welcome back Marlys Johnson Lawry, a writer for Grit and Grace Life and mom of an adult daughter. Marlys recalls the relationship she had with her mom, which was strong and dependable, but lacked some of the tender moments that Marlys desired while growing up.

To change the narrative with her own daughter, Marlys took a different approach. She shares how she fostered a strong relationship and kept a line of communication open with her daughter despite their busy schedules, as well as how she navigated painful situations and seasons of resentment while still reinforcing her love.

Whether you’re a mom to a toddler, school-aged child or a teenager, this conversation will give you the tips needed to build a strong foundation for a lifelong mother-daughter friendship.

Marlys Johnson Lawry is a speaker, award-winning writer (Cascade Awards 2019 and 2022), and Chai latte enthusiast. She loves getting outdoors—would rather lace up hiking boots than go shopping—and has a passion for encouraging people to live well in the hard and holy seasons of life, having embraced her share of sorrows and losses.

Quote of the episode:

“We have the power to speak hopelessness into our children’s lives, but we also have the power to speak life and hope and courage.” —Marlys Johnson Lawry

ResourcesMentions:
—Listen to Dr. Zoe Shaw’s podcast episode of Stronger in the Difficult Places, where she interviews Darlene about her upbringing with a difficult mother: When Mother’s Day Isn’t So Happy—Navigating a Difficult Relationship With Your Mother

—Listen to Marlys’ previous episode on This Grit and Grace Life: Your World Just Turned Upside Down—What Now? with Marlys Johnson Lawry – 197

Related episodes and articles:
—How to Be the Mother Yours Wasn’t – 196

—Read Marlys’ article on how and her daughter developed a rock-solid relationship: How to Make Your Daughter a Lifelong Friend

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Twitter64FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint66SHARES‘Samantha’ Asked:I don’t feel like I’m living the life I want to be. I work during the week (and I love my job so I’m not trying to find an alternative to a 9-5) but on my days off (weekends) I end up running errands and doing household chores. How do I live a more fulfilled life while still working a traditional job?

Dr. Zoe Answered:The only way to live the life you want is intentionally. Your work is not your life. It’s the thing you do to pay for your life. Hopefully, you are passionate about your work. Even so, it’s important for you to separate the two and intentionally live out your other passions.

As a busy, working woman with a lot of things I love to do, I understand the struggle to fit all of life in.

Are you prioritizing what you love?You can’t wait to live until the weekends. Your life happens every day, so you should be doing something every day (outside of your work) that fulfills you, energizes you, and makes you love your life. It doesn’t have to take hours. You don’t really have hours. 30 minutes a day of focused time on your passion does wonders.

On average, Americans watch 3 hours of television per day, yet many Americans say they don’t have time to do things that they want to do.

If you watch TV, you would gain more from ditching your favorite show to focus on the life you want to have. Although you may miss the show for a week or two, you will quickly realize that it was just entertainment and you don’t need it in your life. There are more life-giving ways to relax. If that sounds extreme or doesn’t apply, also try the following:

Make a list of your priorities (don’t forget to include your passions). What are the most important things to incorporate in your life to make you feel like you are really living and having the life you want?

Now, write a list of all the major activities that you do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Draw a line from every activity to the priority that it upholds. Make sure every activity points back to your priorities. If there are activities that don’t fulfill your priorities, consider removing them from your life.

A little time toward your passion makes a big difference.I hope you are beginning to see how much your belief system that you don’t have time keeps you from even making room for it. You can absolutely fit your passion into 30 minutes to an hour every day. You may need to get up an hour earlier to make this work or take an extra hour to yourself after work, before you come home, to learn a new skill or take a class.

Sometimes you may just not be utilizing your time well. Optimize your errands and outsource your busy work, even if it costs a few dollars. You’re a busy working woman and you need to find time for you outside of your work.

Don’t shop on the weekends. Switch your maintenance shopping online (yes, even your grocery shopping) and try to fit it in during your lunch, if possible. Simplify your life so you have time to live.

Put your self-care and self fun on the calendar. Yes, block the time off. Time will never free itself up, you have to do it yourself! If you put yourself on the calendar, your activities will be much more likely to happen.

Everyone has the same amount of time in the day. If you aren’t living the life you want to live, it’s not because you don’t have enough time, it’s because you’re not maximizing the time you do have and focusing it on living your best life.

You’ve got this! All it takes is a few tweaks and a little bit of grit and grace!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThe sun set behind the golden California hills out windows of the conversion van as I stared out, stunned. He was breaking up with me.

We’d traveled across the country from New York to California together, modern day pioneers as “van lifers” going from national park to national park. We’d talked about getting engaged and moved all my belongings into his family’s place while we apartment hunted. Now, his words were as surreal as the sunset itself.

Newly Single and Homeless“I need to just do me for a while. I haven’t been selfish enough.”

As the minutes and devastation sunk in, I realized I was in trouble far worse than just my broken heart. I was homeless.

“Where am I supposed to stay?” He couldn’t even look me in the eyes.

“I have some work training this weekend, so I figured you can get all your stuff before I get back next week.”

I got out of the van and crawled into my own car parked nearby. The sun was gone by the time my brain processed what I needed to do next. I needed help. I pulled out my cellphone and started making calls to my girlfriends.

“He just broke up with me. I can’t even imagine staying with him and his folks tonight.”

“Absolutely NOT! You are not stooping to that!”

My girlfriend back on the East Coast didn’t flinch at the news but instead rose to the occasion. “I’m booking you a hotel. You need to go rest, relax, and we can figure this all out in the daytime.”

I Made Myself Vulnerable—and Got the Help I NeededWithout judgement, without questioning my circumstances, without dogging on the guy or dishing out any blame, my friend helped me without hesitation. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this boy’s low blow gifted me a unique opportunity: the opportunity to be vulnerable with people who truly cared. To take a risk and be real.

By making myself vulnerable, I was about to open the door for deeper and healthier relationships, for communication in both directions with my friends, and for receiving help when I needed it the most.

Vulnerability in our relationships is worth it, even under the threat of judgment. If I’d hesitated to call her, maybe I would’ve stayed with his family and the story would’ve played out differently?

The Perks of Choosing to Be VulnerableThere’s always the threat of looking bad, being questioned, being blamed in our victimhood when we are vulnerable. This time, I chose not to play it safe, but to take the risk of baring my broken soul. This tough experience schooled me in the importance of vulnerability within relationships. Here are a few of the things I learned the hard way:

Vulnerability breeds openness.
When we take the brave step of being open, we set ourselves up for great risk, but also for great potential success. How often do we feel free to share our stories after hearing the stories of others? Could this be why groups like A.A. and Celebrate Recovery succeed? Their flourishing vulnerability knits together a stronger community.

If I hadn’t made the embarrassing call explaining the man I thought I’d call “fiancé” was now my “ex” and I was homeless, how could I have been helped? Yes, I’d just given up my New York life for one with him in California and felt like a fool, but wasn’t it worth my reputation to seek some genuine help at that moment?

After modeling openness in our own lives, sometimes we are equipping the people we love with the tools they need to communicate more freely with their own. The two-way street of open communication with our people brings depth to the relationship every time we walk it. Every time we choose depth in our relationships, we can become more our true selves around the people we know we can trust.

Vulnerability is healthy.
“We are only as sick as our secrets” rings true. Vulnerable in sharing our struggles, our pain, our sins in a safe place, we are set free. As we recognize the risks associated with being vulnerable, we realize not every pair of ears is going to be “a safe place” and not every heart is going to be open. But the risk is worth it. Think about how many family feuds burn or friendships are lost, crumbled on the shoddy foundation of hurts going unaddressed?

When family members are vulnerable about their hurts with one another, they create an opportunity for healing. Sadly, we know this does not ring true for every relationship. Some people will never truly be a safe place, but by practicing vulnerability with the correct people we can learn what a “safe place” and restoration truly looks like.

Vulnerability makes us a safe space for others.
What greater way to open the door for others to be vulnerable with us, than to take the first step? After being burned so many times, it’s hard to imagine opening ourselves up for scrutiny one more painful time. My friend launched our journey of vulnerability years ago when she first called me following a bad breakup. We’d not even been that close, but her call for truly needing a friend launched the friendship we’ve kept more than a decade. Her vulnerability all those years ago sparked a sense of hope in me during my breakup. She’d cried on the phone and shared the detail of her crumbled relationship, which made me think I could do the same.

When we’re open about our stories, we see other people more inclined to share theirs. When we are humanized, the right people will respond to us. Yes, this practice of vulnerability is dangerous with margins for error. The beauty of it is the point isn’t perfection but closeness. If anything, the imperfection of our vulnerable communication makes it a masterpiece. My friend and I are closer than we ever were because of the drama that we went through and shared with each other, followed by our choice to remain vulnerable with one another.

Spoiler alert to my breakup story: The sun did, in fact, rise the next morning. My friend was right about a good night’s sleep making all the difference in my perspective. After a few more vulnerable phone calls, I unloaded my story and got the help I needed to move all my stuff into a new apartment with roomies I loved. Eventually, that neighborhood would be where I met my future husband for the first time.

The fairytale conclusion to my breakup never would’ve happened without my magical friends along the way. They listened without judgement, made themselves a safe place without hesitation, and made all the difference in my world. I just took the first step—being vulnerable.

—
Want to be your friends’ safe space so they, too, can be vulnerable? Here’s how to listen without judgment: Can We Just Admit We Judge Other Women? – 203

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Twitter90FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint92SHARESI obviously have spent a whole bunch of years being a female, well actually my entire life (no surprise there). But something I have realized is that we are a funny bunch, aren’t we ladies? There are some things we do and say that are unique to us. I’ve done them, and I know if you admit it, you have too! So I’m just going to step up and confess to some of the funny things all women do.

1. When we ask, “How do I look?” There is only one acceptable answer.

2. We remove our bra the moment we get home. Then spend the next few minutes scratching the indentations caused by said bra.

3. When disrobing for a doctor’s visit, we place our underwear between our clothing, concerned that anyone might see them.

4. We stretch out the newly laundered jeans by squatting low and swinging wide.

5. We have the urge to hold onto our boobs when running up stairs to minimize the bounce.

6. We can kill 10 minutes trying to pluck the one eyebrow that simply won’t surrender.

7. We look at other ladies’ derrieres, pondering if ours looks that way too.

8. We wear the same bra for an undetermined length of time.

9. We shave our legs then ask others to feel how smooth they are.

10. We never have anything to wear, no matter how full our closets are.

Yep, that’s us!
—
You will also like 9 Awkward Moments in a Woman’s Life, Girl, It’s Perfectly OK to Just Be You, and My Most Embarrassing Moment.

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Twitter54FacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint55SHARES“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”—Socrates (a character in Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives by Dan Millman)

For the record, the words above weren’t penned by the philosopher Socrates, but rather by a character with the same name in a book I have not yet read. I stopped scrolling when I came across the quote on my Instagram, half-hoped it indeed was passed down by the Greek classic, but regardless, instantly liked it—yet with strings attached.

The part of me that rebels against the meaning of the words is the same part of me that finds value in taking an honest inventory of my past, tracing back to the roots, and playing archeologist by excavating all the “whos, whats, whens, wheres, whys, and hows.” These “excavations” have, in many ways, enabled me to make sense of my present existence. They have led me to discover deeper parts of my faith and strengthened my relationship with others and myself. Hence, it could be said that much of my energy has typically been devoted to “fighting the old.”

To Change Your Life, Stop Resisting ChangeYet at the same time, digging up the past will only get you so far (or at least it does for me). Anytime one sets out to create new rhythms, memories, habits, relationships, mindsets, and so forth, there has to be some sort of resolve to be intentional, take action, and resist inertia to make lasting changes.

So, here we are, fully into the new year. Maybe the “new year, new me”-isms are fading away as the goals and bucket list items seem further out of reach. If that’s the case for you, just remember: “the new” can be built any time you want, not just at the beginning of each year.

And you know what else? You can tweak those new habits you’re establishing. You can pivot, readjust, and follow a different path if what you first set out to do isn’t working or doesn’t feel true to you any longer.

But first, you need to figure out what you want to build to experience the changes you’re chasing.

Here Are 3 New Things I’m Building:Reversing Negative Self-Talk

I’ve written before about my relationship with the “bully voice” who is the inner critic that wags her finger and attempts to be the perpetual killjoy of any sparkly new endeavor or adventure that comes my way. We all house a critical voice that rises up in different ways and at various times. Sometimes the voice speaks common sense and tells us to reel in some restraint. But other times, the “bully voice” can go rogue, and that’s when negative self-talk becomes habitual—often without us being fully aware of what’s happening.

The drive to feed myself positive words stems from what research and experience teach me. If you’re a geek like me, you may be fascinated with the plastic, ever-changing nature of our brains, and how our thoughts and words create new neural pathways. In other words, how we speak to ourselves affects us not only at the emotional level but also at the physiological level. The more we feed ourselves healthy, life-affirming words, the more our brains change for the better and we see ourselves more clearly in the way our Creator does.

With that said, recognizing and reversing negative self-talk is high on my list of new habits this year.

Radical Acceptance of What Is

Before the new year rolled in, a friend and I spoke about what we hoped to bring with us and what we wanted to leave behind. The past few years were rough for us as a collective, as our typical ways of life were severely ruptured. Many of us suffered the loss of loved ones, relationships, and for all of us, freedom and normalcy. Co-hosts Darlene and Julie discuss something similar on the final episode of This Grit and Grace Life in 2019: New Year, Strong You! How to Reflect on Your Year in a Helpful Way – 114. Listen here:

As we process it all, practicing pure acceptance can move us forward instead of remaining stuck in all the nooks and crannies of the past. Radical acceptance mean embracing a new reality and declaring, “What’s been done is done. I can’t make it different, better, or more. I can, however, decide what I’ll do next.”

They say that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Mindset is everything, and along with that, acceptance.

Sticking with Love

One of my all-time favorite quotes was spoken by Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Darkness cannot put out darkness; only light can do that. And I say to you, I have also decided to stick with love, for I know that love is ultimately the only answer to humankind’s problems.”

I want to be a woman known for enormous love radiating from every cell of my body. It sounds idealistic and even cheesy, but isn’t love what humankind desperately needs? Sticking with love is choosing forgiveness when a grudge is warranted. Sticking with love is choosing patience when it’s the end of the day and my kids are in a feral state. Sticking with love is choosing to champion others when I’m tempted to compare.

Sticking with love is built inch-by-inch, layer-by-layer, brick-by-brick.

If you’re reading this, it means your heart is beating and there’s still breath in your lungs, so you can change your life by building something new. We can look back to our past to help make sense of our present. We can honor the old instead of fighting against it. But, to make the lasting changes we’re after, we need to use our energy to build the new. I can’t wait to hear what you’re building this year.

(Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, Grit and Grace will receive an affiliate commission at no extra cost to you. All opinions remain our own.)

—
Ready to feel better about your new path forward? Start here: What’s Stopping You From Loving Yourself? How to Grow Self-Love – 120

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Twitter113FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint113SHARESIt was just two weeks after Easter in 2005. My Papa was nearing the end of his long battle with cancer. Family and close friends traveled from near and far just to be in his presence one last time. The hospital room grew crowded and heavier as the time drew near. He said his final words to us, and solidified his promise to us: “I’ll see you in the morning!”

The grandkids, myself included, were sent away to get lunch. When we returned and the elevator doors opened to his hospital room floor, laughter could be heard from down the hallway, a sound not unfamiliar in my family, especially in my Papa’s presence. But this time, the laughter was a result of his presence, his soul, no longer being here on earth.

When I think back on this moment, my body can still feel the muscle memory of the lump in the throat that results from a stifled cry, not fully understanding why laughter, telling stories of his pranks, and joy—of all things—was appropriate in this situation.

But this joy, even in the face of death, is the hope that Easter brings.

Perhaps this Easter you are in the midst of death, the death of a loved one, a relationship, a dream, the consequences of sin.The good news of the Easter story not only offers us the hope of the future glory of eternal life after death, but the lens through which to look in the meantime as we gaze at Jesus’ life, death and resurrection.

Jesus, God’s Son in the flesh, lived a life here on earth so that He could sympathize with our sufferings, weaknesses, and temptations (Hebrews 4:15). And yet, He lived the perfect life, fulfilling age-old prophesies, being the blameless sacrificial lamb, the only one worthy to bear our sins.

That cross, that He willingly laid himself upon to be killed by the very people He came to save, is where the consequences of our sins meet the loving, undeserved, righteous atonement Christ freely offers. He provided forgiveness and freedom for us through this act of love and ultimate sacrifice.

The tomb, where the power of death seemed triumphant, is where our old lives, full of decay, are brought to new life in Christ. The despairing grief of the stone sealing in the scarred body of our Savior is met with the greatest of hopes as the tomb was found empty on the dawn of the third day. This is what the resurrection means for us. God is for us, and the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead can now live in us. For those who believe, the barrier of sin is broken, giving us full access to live in the hope, comfort, and joy He gives.

For those who believe, the barrier of sin is broken, giving us full access to live in the hope, comfort, and joy He gives.

Our hope can never be the in the cure for cancer, in the chance that our situation may change, in the false security of good works, or in the mustering up of more faith. For those that believe in a Savior that committed no sin, hung on the cross in the face of mockers, died with the burden of our sins on His shoulders, and conquered the hold of death in His resurrection, the hope is free and unquenchable. It allows us to “fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18). Because we are armed with this Kingdom-focused vision, my family could laugh together in my Papa’s hospital room, knowing that this pain of separation is only temporary.

Whether we are at the end of a hospital bed or at the end of our ropes, we are promised the same victory over the death-filled shackles of our sin.Because Christ lives, we can live a life here on earth, not void of pain and temptation, but surrounded with the promise that God is “near to the broken-hearted and saves crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

But, when hope seems as heavy as the stone laid across the tomb, we are given this promise: “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning!” (Psalm 30:5). And when that morning comes, full of the promises secured by an empty tomb, “death shall be no more, neither shall there be any mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,” (Revelation 21:4) because He is risen! He is risen indeed!

—

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Hope: What Easter is Really All About – 033

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Twitter1.7kFacebookLinkedIn5PinterestPrint1.7kSHARESThe change of season and warming weather and Easter holidays often bring along a renewed motivation for spring cleaning. I certainly love a home refresh for spring, especially when it comes to celebrating Easter.

With any holiday, though, it’s so easy for spending on home decor and holiday accessories to spiral out of control, and by the time Memorial Day runs around, a quick look at the bank account turns into frantic wondering, “how did I spend that much on my Easter party?”

Over the years I’ve come up with a few tried-and-true ways to enjoy that renewed springtime feeling and celebrate an Easter meal with friends and family, without accidentally breaking the bank.

1. Thrift Store Glassware Treasure Hunt ($10-$20)Every thrift store or flea market I’ve ever been to has an abundance of glassware, in a wide variety of styles. Glass vases, serving platters, drinking glasses, pitchers—you name it, I’ve seen it. And at a thrift store, they are often only $1-$5 each! Glass can be easily cleaned to a bright sparkle, looks classy, and can provide such a lovely, light springtime vibe to your home.

2. Palm Sunday Palms ($0)About a week before Easter, so many churches provide palm branches for use during Sunday services. The key here is not to be brazen about it—taking an entire basket of free palms home for an elaborate wreath project is not particularly charitable. But adding the one or two or three that your family uses during the services to a vase or a tablescape—or making the ever-popular palm crosses—can provide such a lovely burst of light green to your home.

3. Simple Grocery Store Flowers ($5-$20)Have you walked through the floral section at your local grocery store recently? They can have truly amazing offerings! If you’re willing to skip the pre-made arrangements, and instead buy just a handful of loose flowers to arrange at home, grocery store flowers can work magic. Especially if you combine them with a thrift store glass vase, you’ve got a gorgeous centerpiece for a fraction of the cost of an order at a traditional floral shop! (Stores like Trader Joe’s and Sam’s Club are known for having a wide selection of affordable flower bundles.)

4. DIY Projects ($0-$100)There’s always the DIY route for cost-effective decorations—these can be truly amazing, stunning results with very low cost—if you keep in mind a few notes of caution.

First, consider cost.

I recommend looking in your supply closet to see what you already have (popsicle sticks? food coloring for eggs? colored tissue paper?) and then searching accordingly. The cost of DIY projects can quickly get out of control. Just because you make something yourself does not mean it’s inherently less expensive than purchasing a pre-made alternative!

Second, consider complexity.

“Know Thyself ” is one of my three keys to party planning. Keep in mind your skill level, the types of equipment needed, and what brings you joy. If you love using your Cricut and jigsaw and sewing machine, go nuts. If you don’t own a glue gun and have little patience for detailed crafts, keep it simple.

Trying new crafts and projects is always fun, but two days before Easter is not the time to attempt making a delicate wreath of Easter eggs when you’ve hardly ever used food coloring before. Tears and papercuts and frustration and Pinterest fails are much less likely if you focus on Knowing Thyself and remembering that DIY is supposed to be fun!

1. Raid Your Own Closets—and Cabinets ($0)Please remember that most of the beautiful tablescapes, recipes, stationery products, home decor inspiration, and Pinterest pins that you see for Easter have one goal in common—to sell something.

This is fine! And I personally love looking for new ways to make my home beautiful.

However, this phenomenon also means that, when looking for springtime decorating inspiration, it’s very easy to forget what you already have that will fit the season.

Some cheap ways to decorate for Easter with items I already have:* Bring out the china and wine glasses that you save for special occasions. Easter is a special occasion! * Arrange together your various potted plants, from outside or elsewhere in your home, to create one central corner of abundant indoor greenery. * Switch out coffee table books and photos to feature spring colors and spring themes. * Dig through any piles of stuffed animals in your house to feature fluffy sheep, cute bunnies, darling butterflies, or any other adorable creatures that emerge in the spring. * Strings of plain white Christmas lights can be repurposed in so many ways—bundled in vases, behind white curtains to give the effect of fairy lights, strung across balconies and patios, and more. * Any basket can become an Easter basket. * Scarves in your closet can easily be repurposed as table runners.

And there you have it! Celebrating Easter and the new season doesn’t need to be expensive at all. I also love these strategies because they remind me to be grateful for what I already have when I’m tempted to sigh and dream of an unlimited home decor budget when flipping through magazines and Pinterest. With a little thinking outside the box, your home can look brand-new and on-trend without spending a fortune!

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While you’re decorating your home for Easter, get in the spirit of the holiday with this important podcast episode: 7 Lessons From Easter You Need All Year Long – 128

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint“You don’t even know us well enough to not like us,” I wanted to say in a smirky tone. I could tell from day one that the new computer teacher didn’t like me or my husband. He wouldn’t smile or joke around with us as he did with the other staff and faculty, and when I asked a question, he mumbled an answer without looking me in the eye.

Baffled by an Unexpected AdmissionFor twelve years, I wore a few different hats at a Christian boarding high school founded in 1924. I served as activities director; oversaw the publications, including the student newspaper; and coached an award-winning cheerleading squad.

Michelle, who taught art, was my closest friend on staff. She was an exceptional artist—creative and fun. Through a string of events, Michelle was appointed superintendent in the middle of a school year, which changed our relationship. She was more aloof, but I didn’t let it bother me. She had a lot on her plate, and it was generous of her to fill the gap when the previous superintendent resigned due to a family emergency. But as our friendship continued in a downward spiral, I wondered, what had changed?

Several months passed and the computer teacher warmed up to us. One evening we invited him and another teacher to dinner in our home as a break from cafeteria food. During the conversation, he told us that on his first day, he had been called into Michelle’s office.

“I was informed that you didn’t want international students at the academy.” Turning to my husband, he said, “I knew you designed the website and she said you had sabotaged it so the international students couldn’t find the school. And so I didn’t like you.” After an embarrassed pause he added, “It’s obvious you love the international students.”

My husband and I were baffled. It was one thing for Michelle to grow cold toward us, but quite another to tell a deliberate lie. I tried to push this to the back of my mind and concentrate on my work and my involvement with the students, which I loved. But it wasn’t easy in a small school with staff and faculty living in campus housing and sharing meals in the cafeteria.

Impure Motives and Unforeseen ChangesI wasn’t innocent in all this. There were many un-Christlike responses in my head. And then I did something that I thought was a good thing until I fully realized my wrong motive. As that school year wound down, I scheduled a meeting with Michelle with these verses in mind from Matthew 5:23-24:

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

The meeting was a disaster.

I confronted Michelle not for the sake of making things right between us, but so she would know that I knew she lied (more than once) about us. I didn’t clearly see this until afterward when the Holy Spirit was kind enough to prod and poke as I recognized my true motive.

When it was time to let the administration know our intent for the coming school year, after much prayer, I submitted my resignation. Not because I’m a quitter, but because my husband and I felt that God was using this incident to push us out of a comfortable nest, a nest where we were the beloved Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

On the Monday after graduation, I was scheduled to chaperone a group of students on a two-week, educational tour of Europe. A handwritten note showed up in my box in the office: “Please have your home vacated by June 24.” Which would allow one week to pack after I returned from Europe. One more blow to my bruised places.

If an enemy is defined as someone who is actively opposed to you, who spreads lies about you and tries to defame your character, then my once-close friend had become my enemy.

3 Steps to Forgive a Friend Who Betrays YouThat entire next year, I worked at forgiving Michelle. And then, going about my day in our new life in a new town, something would remind me of the past events, and I’d feel a tension well up in my chest. This went on for a while—the forgiveness, the remembrance, the anger, the forgiveness, the remembrance, the anger. And eventually the victory.

There were three specific ‘forgiveness practices’ that helped me during that season that I hope can empower you, as well:

Pick up the sword of the Spirit.
In Ephesians 6, the Word of God is likened to a sword when it comes to spiritual warfare: “Put on the full armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil … and take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.”

I memorized a verse so I would have my ‘sword’ handy when my spiritual enemy harassed me with the hurtful memories: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).

When a hurtful memory surfaced, I’d wield my sword (speaking the verse out loud when I was in a private location).

Pray for your enemy.
Even when I didn’t feel like it at the beginning, I prayed for Michelle. “Father, may she know your goodness and kindness this day. Guide her steps, give her wisdom in her work, draw her closer to your heart. Bless her out of your abundance.”

I may not have meant every word of those prayers at the start, but as I practiced praying good things for Michelle, I eventually meant them.

Control your tongue.We have the power to speak death or life to ourselves and others because words are powerful: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue …” (Proverbs 18:21).

There are at least two ways that it does deep harm to speak ill of people who have wronged us: A) It taints how the listener feels about that person, and B) it embeds the old hurt and anger deeper into our own spirits.

And so I asked God to help me control my tongue, and I told my husband about my prayer so he could help hold me accountable.

Revisiting the HurtA year later, we were to attend our family reunion in the same town as the academy. I had a feeling that Michelle—who had never acknowledged any wrongdoing—would show up at our campsite and give me a hug as if nothing had happened, and I knew it would take grit and grace to face her with kindness.

By that time, it seemed I had truly forgiven her, so the thing I dreaded most was if her appearance would drudge up all those old feelings of animosity. I dreaded beginning the long forgiveness journey all over again.

Sure enough, Michelle parked her car and walked across a meadow in my direction. She smiled and gave me a big hug, as if she had not spent an entire school year letting us know we were not wanted on campus.

But here’s the coolest thing: I felt none of the old anger or resentment. I smiled back and made small talk, and there were no negative emotions present in any of that exchange. Thank you, Jesus!

Not long after, I learned that Michelle had been let go from her leadership position because of mishandling of finances. When I heard the news, instead of rejoicing that a reckoning had come to my enemy, my heart was saddened. This is when I knew that I had truly forgiven my once close friend who had campaigned to be rid of us.

God Is Our Advocate In the Hard PlacesI learned two important things during that painful season of rejection from a place of ministry that I loved: Even when we’re unaware that we need an Advocate, God is working behind the scenes defending us. And I learned that forgiving someone who has hurt us deeply doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. But it does happen as we persist in repentance and prayer.

I look back and see several good reasons for us to leave that town and that job when we did. We couldn’t have known that my husband would be diagnosed with late-stage cancer, and we’d need the excellent medical care that came with the new location. I didn’t know I’d get a job at that cancer center and make a slew of friends—co-workers and the cancer community that we served—who would surround us with so much love and compassion as my husband was dying.

When an event happens that we wouldn’t have written into our stories, what if we looked for the good that could come from the hard places?

I’m living proof that we can.

—
Are you struggling with the thought of forgiving someone who did you wrong? It might help to look at forgiveness this way:

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Twitter54FacebookLinkedIn34PinterestPrint88SHARESHave you ever had those days where you feel like everything is working out? You slept well the night before. You woke up before your kids and actually got a hot cup of coffee down. Your hair falls exactly the right way and your favorite Cracker Barrel t-shirt is wearing just right (okay, that last one might be all me). But it’s amazing, right?

I know those days are few and far between but aren’t they glorious? Of course they are! Those are the type of days when people without kids start to fantasize about what it would be like, saying things like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to start a family? Let’s have one boy and one girl, exactly 18 months apart so they always have a friend. It will be so nice and so perfect and we will be #blessed.” Bless their hearts, but they really have no idea what they are in for.

Anyone who has a child knows that most days are hard. Like watching a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy hard, and there is no sugar coating it—ever. The truth is that, although social media doesn’t show it, 95% of the time you won’t feel #blessed at all. In fact, you’ll probably feel #haventshoweredindays or #cantgetmycraptogether or maybe even #isitwinetimeyet. And guess what? That’s okay, because I’ve come to realize that we’re not supposed to feel #blessed all the time.

Don’t Believe the LieDon’t buy the lie.

Somewhere along the way, women were fed a lie that motherhood was supposed to be easy. That if you were doing it right you would be organized and patient, graceful and pretty, and that everything would just come naturally. That we were supposed to somehow look put together with perfectly behaved children in matching outfits and clean t-shirts. And that we would already know everything we were supposed to know and that would be that.

Don’t buy the lies, people. Sure, those are all amazing goals to have, but after having four children over the last 17 years, I am learning that motherhood is supposed to be messy. I don’t think it was ever meant to look neat and tidy.

You won’t always have the answers you need or feel #blessed. Motherhood will pull you apart and put you back together all in the same day. It will exhaust you yet motivate you, and it will fill you up and empty you all at once. If you’re doing it right, you will be the teacher and the student all at once, but I promise you that you will both finish far greater than when you started.

Here’s the TruthI mean, think about it for a minute. What if the goal was not perfection or to feel #blessed at all? What if all of a sudden being the perfect mom was completely off the table. How freeing would that be? How much weight would come off of your shoulders? What if I told you that there were no cookie -utter moms out there, but that you were exactly the type of mom that God knew your little baby would need?And that you in all your uniqueness and imperfections were the perfect one for the job?

What if I told you that there was a larger story happening all around you, and that God was painting a picture far greater than us, but that you and I were chosen to take part in it? That each and every one of us was chosen to raise our child at a specific time and that even the most menial tasks were an important part of shaping them into the people they were created to be? What if I told you that not only were you molding these children, but that God was using motherhood to mold you? Would you think differently?

What if I told you that there were no cookie-cutter moms out there, but that you were exactly the type of mom that God knew your little baby would need?

See, for me, when I started to think about this, I began to view my job as a mom differently. No longer was the goal to be the most organized mom with the healthiest snacks. But I started to see that all the little things I did were about shaping my kids into the world-changing adults that they were called to be more than it was about being the perfect mom.

I realized these were the days they would look back on and would draw their strength from in their adult years. And that these years were the foundational blocks that they would one day build their own families on. The lessons and love that they receive now will be the same lessons of love they will instill in their children. And not only would they be shaped into the men and women of the future, but they, in turn, would shape their children, and that is a ripple that can sow amazing things into the lives of generations to come.

What Our Kids Really NeedI started to realize that it didn’t matter how clean the house was or how nice their shirts were if I wasn’t there with them. Not physically there for them (I know some of ya’ll gotta bring home the bacon) but emotionally and mentally engaged with them. That instead of letting mom guilt rule me and worrying about what other moms thought of me at the playground, I was more focused on interacting with my children. Playing and having fun. Making sure they were loved and cherished and shown all the beautiful things that life and relationships have to offer.

Instead of carrying the weight of perfection around all the time, I wanted them to see that I was free and happy and fulfilled knowing that even though I may not see the fruits of my labor today, they mattered and that it’s all part of a bigger plan. I’d take a messy kid and sticky floors any day if it meant an afternoon eating Popsicles and running barefoot in the grass.

I am starting to learn that my kids need me just as I was created; they need more than the picture-perfect, filtered moms we see on Instagram. They need every lesson and every mess, and even more than that they need to see me being the person I was created to be. They need to see me being molded and shaped and showing grace to myself. Because in the end, that’s all we want for them: to grow up and be happy and to embrace who God created them to be. To show themselves grace when they fail and to learn from their mistakes and move forward.

We need to stop believing the lies so that in turn they will stop believing the lies and maybe, one day, children will grow up in a world where those lies don’t exist.

You Can Feel Good Even When You Don’t Feel Blessed as a MotherThis is the way it’s supposed to be, and I think that if we can all embrace motherhood for all of its chaos and mess and stop buying the lies, we will see an amazing thing start to happen in the lives of women all across the world.

No other job can transform you quite like motherhood can. No other job will require you to give everything of yourself while expecting nothing in return, and no other job can have an effect on the world quite like motherhood can. But if we can learn let go of self-imposed expectations and our preconceived notions and learn to accept all that motherhood really is, then I think we may actually start to become #blessed.

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Ready to release the mom-guilt? Listen to this podcast episode: You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Stop the Mommy Wars: Every Mom Is Doing Something Right – 045

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintHappiness in America is dwindling, according to a 2022 Gallup survey. There are several factors that play into this trend, but perhaps the most important question is whether we’re stuck being unhappy. Do we have to just endure?

In this podcast episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender address the state of unhappiness that’s rippling through the world right now and answer the age-old question of whether or not it’s appropriate to pursue happiness as a Christian.

Together, they lay out practical steps for finding happiness and boosting your overall mood, which covers everything from being aware of the content you consume and where you’re spending your time (quite literally!), to your perspective on gratitude and whether you’re actually harboring resentment toward someone or something from your past.

Minor spoiler alert: You don’t have to stay unhappy. But where you land on the matter is largely impacted by your choices. Tune in to this episode to see what small change(s) might make a world of difference.

Quote of the episode:

“Some people feel like faith and happiness are at odds, but true happiness comes through pursuing our faith.” —Julie Bender

ResourcesMentions:
—My Parents’ Murder-Suicide And The Road To Forgiveness With Tracy Brandt – 208

Related episodes:
—How To Find Peace And Purpose In An Out Of Control World With Dr Zoe – 164

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Twitter337FacebookLinkedIn5PinterestPrint342SHARESAs a mom of four boys, I am thinking of the attack on manhood lately. It seems like I know a lot of great women and not too many great, strong men. I guess it depends on what your definition of a great man is, but I think most of us can agree on what it is not.

Unfortunately, due to cultural influences and the time period we live in, I believe there is a rise in the number of passive, lazy, and entitled “boys who can shave.” Men who still live in their parents’ basements playing video games for as long as possible, thus putting off such beautiful privileges such as marriage, children, and jobs where they will grow and succeed. They think they are men, yet never seem to grow out of their adolescent stage—all in an effort to avoid responsibility and the real world.

How do we avoid this? How do we raise little boys who will some day embrace their manhood and become humble yet confident leaders in their communities?

10 tips to raise strong men who will lead, serve, and love others well:1. Let them be boys.

It sounds simple but so often we try and restrain and change things that little boys simply cannot change. They run. They are loud. They turn everything into weapons. They get dirty. A mom of three boys gave me great advice when Trooper was born: “Every day, make sure you give him an opportunity to get his energy out.”

I’m not saying we don’t teach them when to be quiet or what furniture they can or cannot turn into American Ninja Warrior courses; I’m just saying that there is a noticeable difference in their behavior when they are allowed to run and be free.

2. Train them to be warriors.

One day I tried to teach my (young) son to cook. Five minutes in, he had his apron on backwards as a cape and was using his spatula as a sword against some unknown enemy in the refrigerator. Like I said, everything becomes a weapon. Ever seen two boys get together who haven’t seen each other in a while? Someone is usually in a chokehold on the floor within seconds. It’s like wrestling is their love language.

There seems to be an instinct within them to want to fight. According to Merriam-Webster, a warrior is defined as “a person who fights in battles and is known for having courage and skill.” Why not take this instinct and train them to use it for good? Teach them to protect their families, their neighbors, and those who cannot protect themselves. Not by actual fighting (necessarily!) but by learning to defend what is right and good and to have the courage to stand up against what is wrong.

3. Teach them to be gentlemen.

I’m not sure who said “chivalry is dead” but I can tell you they were onto something. Very rarely do you see a man rush to open a door for his wife or carry something heavy for someone less strong than he.

Show them what it looks like to serve and to serve often. Correct their speech if it is in any way disrespectful or unkind, especially when it comes to women and their elders. The phrase, “how can I help?” is an excellent question you can encourage them to ask on a regular basis. Nothing feels better than serving others, so give them opportunities to not only serve within your home, but to always be on the lookout for ways to serve when outside the home as well. Change that stranger’s tire, carry that neighbor’s groceries in, or pass out food at the local food bank!

4. Don’t give them everything they want.

It creates entitlement and laziness. Let them feel the value in hard work. That fidget spinner that everyone else has? Great! They can mow the lawn, wash the car, or go to work with dad for a few hours to make some extra money. Then they can proudly present their hard-earned money for that prized possession and will see that there is not only a tangible reward for their effort but mental satisfaction as well.

5. Let them fail.

There was a recent story of a 21-year-old “man” who held up his phone in a professor’s class to tell him that his mom wanted to talk to him because he didn’t deserve the “D” on the paper he worked on. (On that note, don’t miss Dear Parents of Millennials: It’s Time to Stop It).

If they get in trouble for something, don’t bail them out! Maxwell Maltz said, “You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.” Making mistakes and experiencing the consequences are part of what shapes our character. Rather than fixing everything for them, let them learn from their actions, become better people for it, and most of all, take responsibility.

6. Set them up to succeed.

Give them the gift of good nutrition and life skills. No one functions very well if they only eat junk. Nutrients are imperative for healthy minds and bodies, so limit sugar and regularly provide clean, balanced meals. Once they get old enough (old enough to not turn aprons into capes, that is), teach them how to make nutritious meals. Then let them do the dishes. And teach them to do their own laundry! One day you won’t be there so you need to teach them how to balance their budget, maintain their vehicles, and make things that don’t have to be cooked in a microwave.

Don’t give them everything they want. It creates entitlement and laziness. Let them feel the value in hard work.

7. Limit screens.

Have you noticed how hard it is to have a conversation with people these days? Everyone’s head is down looking at their phones. Hours are spent binge-watching Netflix. And the constant playing of video games is creating such negative effects as “increased aggression, severe addiction, suffering relationships due to poor social skills and a decrease in school performance.”1 Get them outside! Do science experiments! Cultivate the love of reading and learning. Let them be bored. It won’t kill them and creativity has a chance to grow when the brain isn’t constantly stimulated.

8. Let go of expectations.

So often we have ideas of what our kids will like or be and are surprised when they don’t excel at baseball or the skill or hobby we hoped they would love or share with us. They were fearfully and wonderfully created, so watch closely to see what interests them and rejoice in their uniqueness!

More into animals than sports? Cool! Take them to the zoo. Let them volunteer at the animal shelter. Encouraging them to operate out of their strengths will give them confidence and help them to find their passions in life earlier instead of later. This will allow them to be more peaceful, successful, and satisfied adults.

9. Cultivate honesty.

These days telling the truth seems to be “relative.” In our house, you will get in much less trouble if you come clean from the get-go. It might be harder to tell the truth, but there is always freedom in it. Teach them to not be afraid of the truth but to be afraid of the consequences of dishonesty.

10. Show them other “good men.”

If you don’t have a good man to be an example for them, find one! Hopefully their dad can be that person but if not, encourage a grandpa, uncle, mentor, pastor or coach to be a part of their life. Someone you absolutely trust who exhibits behaviors you would want them to emulate. Also, read biographies or watch documentaries on men who exhibit qualities that you would like them to possess one day.

I know parenting isn’t easy, and I definitely don’t have all the answers. But it’s a great privilege, and it’s all about our perspective. Take it one day at a time, give yourself grace the days you don’t get it right, get up and try again, be intentional, pray a lot, and do the hard work now! You might not see the fruit for a while, but it will come. And maybe one day you will look into the eyes of a strong, kind man who is capable of changing the world for the better, and he just so happens to be your son.

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For more parenting tips, check out this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life: How to Raise Responsible Kids: Tips for Every Age – 087

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint‘Languishing in London’ asked:Hi Dr. Zoe,

I am currently in an unfortunate (self-induced) situation and am in need of clarity.

I have a difficult decision I must make, one in which will affect several people’s lives in a hurtful way— regardless which path I take. With that, I will dive in.

I have been in the same committed relationship practically my entire adult life. We have two children together and the youngest will be 19 this year. The word committed is used loosely here. We have not been good to each other in different ways. I have been unfaithful and he is unwilling to meet me halfway in terms of our financial wellbeing. I remain fiscally responsible for the lion’s share of our living expenses, though he is employed full-time and unable to make his (considerably smaller) financial obligations timely.

I have always carried almost the entire load and I’ve done so for so long, I’ve become quite bitter about it. We have talked and he knows and always says he will do better but when the time comes he always makes excuses. Shamefully, I must confess we are both repeat offenders with our transgressions against one another.

I’ve analyzed our situation on repeat for every bit of a decade, languishing over the decision and paralyzed in fear that I end up not making a decision. I recognize refusing to decide is still making a decision.

I’ve been emotionally involved with a work colleague for nearly two years, but the relationship became physical about seven months ago. It started as a friendship that developed into something deeper and progressed beyond that. Currently, we have ended things because we both know this cannot ever be right as long as it is wrong and we have agreed to distance from each other to give ourselves oxygen to sort things out.

I must make a decision if I want to stay in my relationship or not. My youngest son (18) told me he would never speak to me again if I was not with his father. He does not find it fair that he should have to bear the majority of financial responsibility of his father and would view my choice to get out as selfish and self-serving.

I do love my partner and I know he loves me, but I think it’s fair to say we don’t love each other enough to do things differently. We are complacent, comfortable, and for the most part the relationship is tolerable—but neither of us are really happy. Well, I know that I’m not. He may very well be. He certainly seems to be perfectly satisfied.

He’s also told me in the past that I am non-ratifiable and I will never be happy with anyone.

Of note, my long-term partner is a believer. My recent affair partner is not. This is important to me, despite the actions my behavior suggests.

I am afraid I will regret not ending my relationship with my children’s father and I am simultaneously afraid if I do, I will get to the other side and regret doing so.

I know I am free to choose, but I am not free to choose the consequences of my choice. I am afraid of the guilt I will face if I walk out of my current relationship and the pain it will cause my children and his family, whom I love. I am really afraid of my son cutting me out of his life.

One question that has continually come up in the past was this: “If the cost of my happiness comes at the expense of the people I love, isn’t it just plain selfish?” The relationship works for everyone else, just a bit less for me.

I can’t keep doing this but I don’t know what to. Frankly, I do not trust myself to make this decision. It’s as if I say “I wanna drive my life, let me drive my life. I won’t wreck it this time,” and then I get in the driver’s seat and drive into a ditch. Every. Single. Time.

How can I get God to drive my life and know what is His will for me?

Any advice you can provide on the matter is immensely appreciated.

Cheers, mate.

Dr. Zoe answered:You have one of the most difficult decisions that a mother has to make and I want to honor the anguish and fear involved in such as decision.

I hope it offers you consolation that your story is in no way unique. I hear some version of it regularly. You are aware of the dysfunction, but you’ve convinced yourself that it works for everyone except you. That’s a cognitive distortion. The truth is, if it isn’t working for you to such an extent that it’s causing tremendous distress (which this is), it isn’t truly working for anyone.

You are thinking, “I shouldn’t choose happiness at the cost of my family.” But maybe you should be asking yourself, “What is the cost of my unhappiness (dysfunction) on my family?” Your family situation may be familiar to everyone else, but that doesn’t mean it’s working for them.

Your affair is a symptom of the dysfunction in your relationship. You know the affair was not the answer. An affair is never the answer. I’m so happy to hear that you have chosen to end it while you iron out your current relationship, but part of healing is understanding what led you there to begin with.

Why would your 18-year-old son bear the financial burden of caring for his father when his father is able-bodied and working?

I have never yet met a child that has permanently cut off a parent for ending a relationship with the other parent. Children cut off relationships because of the toxicity between themselves and the parent. I don’t know the extent of your relationship with your son, but it is likely you will not lose him even if he is not happy with the end of your relationship with his father.

You questioned, “If the cost of my happiness comes at the expense of the people I love, isn’t it just plain selfish?” As horrible as this reality is, children don’t know what’s good for them. They know what is familiar. I have heard stories of young children in burn units crying out for their mothers, when their mothers were the ones that burned them. They may feel pain because of the separation, but their long-term happiness and health requires that they are separated from an abusive parent.

Just because your children will be distressed if you separate, doesn’t mean that you are costing them their happiness. Your job as a mother is to determine what is best for your children presently and in the long run as best as you can see it- not what they want. This includes what you are modeling to them about what a healthy relationship is and what they should tolerate and expect from their partners in the future.

I think a better question is “Is the emotional damage my sacrifice is costing me compromising my ability to show up in the healthiest way I can for my children?”

You need to recognize your cognitive distortions that are keeping you stuck. You need to know the lies that you are believing and the lies that you are telling yourself. Ultimately, you need to decide which regret would be more painful to live with? The regret of not ending something you are well aware is unhealthy or the regret that you ended it?

I suggest that you not walk this journey alone. Your brain has a way of playing tricks on you. You can firmly make up your mind one minute and then find yourself easily swayed into putting up with status quo again. Find a support system, even if it is a paid therapist. Try to let your objectivity, not your fear, drive your decision. Read the book Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft and Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Last, there will always be a seed of doubt with any decision you have to make on this issue. Don’t allow that doubt to convince you that it is the wrong decision. Make the best choice you can, keeping yourself and your children top of mind and then figure out how to make that decision work.

You’ve got this!!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI hadn’t really wanted to get up when the alarm went off, but I did because she’d asked me to come. This was the daughter who’d recently begun to like me again, and I wasn’t going to miss it.

Josie Love was in art school for the summer and had invited me for her mid-summer show at Chautauqua. Our friends had a 100-year-old summer home just off the lake there and offered it to me during my visit. I had no idea what an offer it would be, except that I had the entire place to myself.

Once I saw the sleeping porch on top of the house, I knew this was my choice for where I’d spend my time. The view could be seen from wall-to-wall windows on all sides, a perfect 360-degree bird’s eye of tree branches and housetops, blooming gardens, and the lake that stretched north and east as far as I could see. The thought of getting to read and write among the treetops
within sight of the lake made me giddy, and I smiled.

While the house itself sat less than 20 feet from the road with passers-by coming and going all day long on foot or by bike, the screened porch’s unexpected placement on top of the house, hidden from view of the street, yielded a sense of privacy and sanctuary I hadn’t known I needed until I was in it.

Escape from the Hustle and BustleDeep peace and joy settled, like someone opened me up and poured in something rich, like melted chocolate or raspberry jam. And like the dehydrated person who doesn’t know how thirsty she is until she starts drinking, I realized in the peaceful presence of that upstairs space, how deep my longings were for what it offered me—safety and solitude. Rest.

My personal life was stressful, and I wondered if that was the reason-beneath-the-reason for my visit with my daughter: I needed a break. I sure didn’t hesitate to book my flight when she invited me. Whatever the reason, I’d felt compelled to be there.

When I met up with Josie Love, we biked around Chautauqua and toured the art school where I met her friends, but then it was time for her to return to work and for me to settle in at the house. Like my own magical wardrobe to another land, the porch promised me something I couldn’t name but knew I wanted, and I headed up to find out what had drawn me to settle
myself and my suitcase there at first sight.

The glass windows were flung open with gusts of wind coming through the screens, fresh off the water. I read and journaled until my eyelids were heavy, and read and journaled ’til my pen hit the floor. The pull-chain, bare bulb ceiling light at the stair landing, beckoning bugs and other winged beings, flickered and went black, like someone had taken a deep breath and blown.

That night, the porch opened a door into the treetops as the soft voices of anonymous neighbors drifted in, some of them owls. The vaulted, wood-beamed ceiling beckoned above, its exposed green timbers extending so far overhead, they joined branches, supported sky—moon—milky way. I rocked in a giant porch swing nestled under downy covers as the wind blew colder and wilder.

I expected to see Max in my own dreamy version of Where the Wild Things Are as I slept, and maybe I did? I don’t remember seeing wild things, but I do remember that, like Max, I was unafraid in this new place that carried me away.

Deep peace and joy settled, like someone opened me up and poured in something rich, like melted chocolate or raspberry jam.

The next morning, Instacart brought groceries, and Josie and I made plans for the rest of the weekend. We played cards and hung out, but mainly she worked on art, and I read and journaled in the treehouse, both of us as happy as two-introverted peas-in-separate-pods can be.

A Joyful Place to Find RestI fed her friends supper after the art show and was relieved when they headed out afterwards for drinks. It was nearly sunset, that golden-glow-time between day and night, and I couldn’t wait to experience it among those leafy boughs.

I climbed up as the sun went down. In its final blaze of light, the green all around me lit up as if plugged in a light socket. There was the dusty green of the treehouse itself and the bright, vibrant hues outside that waved in every window. It was a dazzling show since the rain had started falling—a golden, green-wash of sparkling light all around, so blinding, I had to squint and reach for my sunglasses.

I breathed deeply. There it was again, a kind of liquid love, filling me up full as it rose to my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. My heart was so tight, I thought it would burst, and I thought, or heard, or thought I heard, “I am restoring your soul,” and the words of Psalm 23 came to mind:

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters.”

Indeed, the colors around me as I ate and read and wrote and slept were green, green, and more green, and there was the quiet of this old house and the tranquil water at the bottom of the hill. I’d felt at peace and joyful ever since arriving. Had he been restoring me? It sure felt like it.

After Moses and the Israelites get the tabernacle built, the cloud of God’s presence descends, and his glory fills it so full, Moses can’t get in. God’s all about connecting with his people and living with them “in all their travels.” It’s why Jesus came. And ever since, he doesn’t just live among them; he lives within them by his Spirit. He longs for us to know him intimately, like a sheep knows its Shepherd, like a daughter knows her mother, like a Beloved knows her Lover (Ex 40:17-38, MSG).

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Need some time away, but just not sure how to explain that to your family? Dr. Zoe Shaw advises:

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Twitter84FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint84SHARESMy husband has been sighing and pointing out these small cracks down the plaster of our living room for months. I know what they mean but I haven’t been too worried. Until the tiles on our kitchen floor started cracking audibly.

Then a few weeks ago, a friend pointed out a crack down the front side of our house. Not the inside, but through the actual brick, and this one was not little but a huge gaping ridge. We called out a foundation company and got an estimate. Then of course, we had to get a loan. A really big loan.

Cracks in the foundation have also meant we had to call a plumber. We need to have some trees removed and install a French drain in the backyard. Eventually we will need to retile the kitchen. Things are adding up quickly with more than a few zeros on the end.

To Avoid or Not to Avoid?My first response, like with most cracks, was to consider what would happen if I ignored them. How bad could it be, did I really need to sink thousands (and thousands) of dollars into them? I had to hit up google since I am clearly not a foundation (or plumbing or tree removal) expert. The internet was clear. If you ignore the cracks a few terrible things will happen and very likely in this order:

1. The cracks will grow. Which stinks because I was really hoping it would just go away or at least not get worse, but cracks become fractures.

2. Next, water seeps in. Mold and mildew. Things starts to rot.

3. Pests infestation. Hell to the no.

4. Gas intrusion. So pretty much it is toxic and unlivable.

We all have our cracks and I’m starting to see that pattern is applicable to more than just my concrete slab. This little crack is making us take out a huge loan, which is drawing our attention to our lack of a budget. My husband and I both have really good jobs and no overtly ridiculous spending habits. We don’t generally buy expensive brands. We don’t have luxury vehicles. I’ve never stepped foot in a Sephora.

If you are into those things, props to you—I just can’t make it work even with my Target tastes. Possibly because I waste money in a hundred small ways and we have a kid starting college in less than a year. College is so expensive now, I think I could sell both kidneys on the black market and only cover half.

Don’t Give the Cracks a Chance to GrowI knew we were overspending, but my initial response, just like the cracks in my wall, was to hope it would go away. That this had been an expensive month for whatever legit reason and next month we’d get back on track. Except, that deficit just grew.

We had the occasional fight about how to approach it (or not) and our bank account didn’t mildew, but other things started to stink. Resentment and grudges began to sneak in. (You can’t just call an exterminator for those kinds of pests.) We managed to work out a system before anything got worse, but I’ve seen others that let it keep going and become toxic. I’ve seen people and relationships break over something that started as just a crack. Everyone has cracks. Cracks in our family dynamics, with colleagues, in our faith communities, friendships, marriages, physical health. I could keep adding to this list.

The contractors and engineers showed up last week. When I left for work my home looked normal, when I went by at lunch they had dug up my entire flower bed, jackhammered their way through the sidewalk and driveway and no less than eight full grown men were under my house.

A Lesson to Avoid AvoidanceWhen I got home my house looked totally normal (minus the rose bushes and freshly poured patches in the concrete). The cracks had been visibly brought back together. I could still see where they used to be, but I really had to look. Of course I grabbed a stick and quickly put our initials in the wet concrete. A reminder to never let cracks grow. A reminder of what I’m learning:

—Look at your cracks. Maybe you are wiser than me and can deal with them before they start to stink, but I generally need a push to change my habits.

—Do the work. Invest. Have the hard conversation. Fix the foundation.

—Fixing the cracks in our foundation is expensive and disruptive, but not fixing them will always cost more.

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Interested in more relationship advice? Start with this podcast episode: How to Feel Your Emotions in a Healthy Way With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 075

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Twitter18FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint18SHARESI’m a 46-year-old wife and mother who wears a lot of hats, and often those hats aren’t exactly straight on my head. When I was a young teen, I never wanted to be one of those women who had a purse with them all the time. I wanted to buck the trend that a woman needed a bag to perform whatever duties were expected of her when I got to that stage of life.

I fought that cultural norm hard, so hard, often to the point of massive inconvenience or causing significant discomfort to those in my inner circle. Then I became an adult and realized the benefits of a purse far outweighed the negatives—my chapstick was always at the ready, tampon—check, wallet wasn’t getting lost under the front seat of the car, and my car keys had a home.

Now, however, my kids are mostly grown. I am not responsible for their tissues and bandaids and snacks anymore. My husband is a capable man; if he needs something, he can make sure he brings it himself. (This has always been the case—he is a grown adult and no longer lives with his mother.) But there is comfort in a woman’s purse (or pocketbook or bag or whatever it’s called where you live).

In a slightly misguided effort to justify my love/hate relationship with my purse, I’ve compiled a list of items I’ve learned to expect to find in my purse. Mind you, sometimes those items are not there and it can derail my day.

What’s Really in a Woman’s Purse1. Chapstick. I may or may not have a slight addiction to chapstick. Not the flavored stuff, no. Just the basic black and blue colored tube that works as a deterrent to the sun and a moisturizer to the wind in the winter, because, well, Michigan.

2. Wallet. Money, cards, ID, coins (everyone uses coins still, right? No? Just me? Cool). Sam’s Club membership card, health insurance card, expired roadside assistance card, library card, gift cards with $.57 left on them, Metro card for the rare times I’m in a big city that isn’t even in my state and need to ride the Metro.

3. Readers. Alright, this is a new-ish addition and probably more important than the wallet. What is it with restaurant menus using an 8-point font? Seriously. Also, I refuse to increase the font size on my phone. Readers for the win.

4. Cell phone. This usually gets buried at the bottom and I often wonder if I’ve lost it or left it at home. I haven’t. It’s there, hiding just deep enough to give me a little panic attack. It’s good for my heart.

5. Receipts. Because like coins, everyone still needs a paper receipt. What if the candy bar I bought needs to be returned? I don’t know why I have so many receipts just loosey-goosey in my purse, but they’re there. I do not, however, have a clue where the receipt is for the jeans that were purchased with the wishful thinking that I actually still wear the size I purchased. Those jeans are mine now.

6. Gum. Usually a package with one stick left, or an empty package—that’s the best preparation! Nice to meet you, sorry about my dragon breath.

7. An old shopping list. Like coins and receipts, people still use paper for this stuff, right? If I ever get lost
in the wilderness, I will have paper to start a fire. No matches, but paper.

8. Pen or marker. To cross things off #7. What? Actually I have about 8 of these little writing utensils sprinkled throughout my purse. I can never have too many.

9. Tampons/pads. This is stupid. I’m old and I’m practically over this part of life. Yet, I need to be prepared. Or, better yet, be able to help someone caught off guard. I’ll never stop carrying pads and tampons in my purse. I had period trauma as a teen (different story) and I’ll always be prepared—just like a scout (I always wanted to be one, so this is kind of the same thing, right?)

10. A cute notebook. To write down notes and important stuff. Apparently the receipts and old shopping lists aren’t quite effective. Technology is so unreliable (read: scary and difficult and I don’t want to learn it), so I have to use a notebook to write down my thoughts instead of figuring out my voice recording stuff on my phone. It’s so much smarter to carry another object in my already overstuffed and awkward purse.

11. Ear plugs. I don’t even know what those are in there from.

12. Ibuprofen. Just loose in the bottom collecting dust and crumbs. It still works, right?

13. Sunglasses. In Michigan, it’s sunny for four months each year. The rest of the time, it’s gray or the snow is blinding.

14. Trash. No purse or tote bag is complete without random trash—gum wrappers, half eaten bag of fruit snacks (What? They’re good!), a lid from a water bottle, a broken paperclip (no clue why, but it’s in there), etc.

15. Keys. My car practically starts itself and my home is on the verge of keyless entry (I’m still a holdout on that tech), but when I leave I need these clanky things. My work keys are attached (keyless entry, but the little fob thingy needs a home base). They’re basically just a security blanket for me so I tuck them neatly in the bottom trenches of my purse only to struggle to find them when it’s raining or snowing or three degrees out.

16. Tums. As I’ve aged, this is a necessity. Cheese, ice cream, and all the good, gooey stuff doesn’t get along with my gut anymore. Whatever, I’m gonna keep eating it and regretting it. It’s what I do.

Don’t Buck a Trend Until You Actually Try It OutThere was a time when I had diapers, wipes, teething toys, hot wheels cars (sometimes I still do), toys, food, drinks, and more. Those days are gone and I’m thrilled! Will my bag be bigger sometimes? Oh, yes! My travel purse is always way more full than my daily use purse. That thing gets loaded with books, my kindle, sunscreen, and so much more; I gotta be prepared! (Yay, I am a scout!)

I am sure there are some odd life lessons or an internet quiz about what the contents of your purse say about you or something like that, but honestly, my purse just makes me feel in control (well, most of the time). Do I still hate carrying it? Yes, desperately. But purse fashion and function are a lot better now than 30 years ago. I use a backpack-style purse/bag most days.

I feel most cute with a bag my daughter got me, and I tend to use that on weekends. And for travel, well, all bets are off—I bring out the big one. Also, my new favorite thing: tote bags. I mean, come on! So many functional and fashionable and fun styles to choose from. You could have a different one each day and not get bored.

Portland Leather, Minted, Coach, Patagonia—all brands I love and apparently have a problem with since they take all my money. Whatever, I do what I want. Use a bag or don’t, but don’t go through life avoiding something that makes your life easier just because you want to push back at some antiquated societal norm. I’m not apologizing for my purse; I’m apologizing for having too many…nah, just kidding.

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There are some things for women that just…work! Here’s some advice along those lines: Simple (and Funny) Advice for Your Grit and Grace Life – 074

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Twitter52FacebookLinkedIn31PinterestPrint83SHARESDating isn’t how I remember it before I was married. I don’t have any idea when things changed so drastically, but man have they. Even though I haven’t figured all of that out yet, one thing I do know that stays the same is for some unknown reason girls tend to go for the emotionally unavailable man and we detour from the sweet guy. Every female in the history of forever has done this. Women are always talking about it, so I know we are in the same boat. “Why do I always end up with the wrong guy?” “How do I always end up with the guy with 100 issues?” “What do I do wrong when it comes to men?” I am not an expert at all; wait, maybe I am—if you consider someone being an expert at picking the wrong men.

How to Avoid the Wrong Guy: a Checklist for Strong Women1. Determine whether or not you are ready to commit.

Why do we do it? I honestly have a few theories. The first thing I have noticed since my divorce this past year is that when I am running in the other direction from the “Nice Guy” it’s because I am not ready for the commitment. I think, at times, we go for the emotionally unstable guys because we know it won’t go anywhere serious, but it does provide us with the sense of having someone there when we are otherwise lonely. I know this is the case for me, and, trust me, I know the behavior is toxic. In the end, I am the one I end up hurting. Still, we do it.

2. Pay attention to what you’re fixing and why.

Another reason we choose the wrong men is because women are drawn to people who need help. We want to fix things. Deeply rooted in our genetics is our will to help others. We want to take care of something. Women have a desire to care for people, things, our partners, etc. In order to do this, we are sometimes drawn to the wrong person for us. I also believe that sometimes we pick these guys so we can deflect our own struggles. After all, it is easier to try and fix someone else than it is to work on our own flaws. This also hardly ever works out in a good way. For me, it normally ends with my issues becoming worse and making things worse for the other party as well.

3. Move on from what’s easy and keep your eye on the goal.

I am not saying, “The nice guy never wins,” as I am sure so many of you have heard. I think we simply rush into things. We ignore the things that are truly important to us. It is so much easier to push aside some of the things that we value in a relationship because we get a glimpse of attention. The whole dating process has had to become something I take so much more seriously. Why waste my time or someone else’s if I essentially know things won’t really work out? How about, instead, I challenge myself? It will take more work and effort on my part for sure but will pay off in the end. You know yourself better than anyone else does. Listen to yourself, follow the standards you have set, and don’t settle with someone you think you can change. Trust me, you can’t. I have tried this method and failed miserably! For instance, if one of your must-have values is a Christian man, then don’t date all the men who claim to be “spiritual, but not into the God thing.” You may or may not be able to lead them to church or to God. It’s not your place, though, and it may never happen. My point is not to leave that to chance if it is important for you.

4. Look at yourself and decide if you are ready for the right guy.

Ladies, make sure you are ready to date. If you are still healing, hurting, or working through a past relationship or breakup, then chances are you aren’t ready yet. Give yourself time to heal and work through the pain. Breakups, divorce, or grieving loss of a partner is so hard, and regardless of how it ended, I am sure it left you with open wounds. Tend to those wounds. Heal. Find yourself again during your loss. When we rush into something, we are the one who generally ends up getting hurt more. This applies to being with the good guy or running for the not so good guy. Working on yourself first will allow you to really see people for who they are and what they believe in. This will give you a chance to stick more with the values and morals you want in a partner and hopefully keep you from making toxic decisions in a future partner.

You know yourself better than anyone else does. Listen to yourself, follow the standards you have set, and don’t settle with someone you think you can change.

5. Give yourself time for the whole process.

I am not a professional, a doctor, or a trained life coach. I am simply a woman who is a serial serious relationship seeker. I have spent the better part of my life moving from one to another, with little time to heal and reflect in between. Based on my past patterns, I know how I made my decisions and that I’ve run from the real issue: allowing myself time to heal. Without this crucial step, people continue to make the “wrong” choice. We don’t give ourselves the space to work through the whole process. I think if we all took more time to really work on ourselves, we might be looking for the right person and not just the “right now” person to fill a void.

Challenge yourself to dig deep, heal, and seek the right path for yourself. Make a list of values you require in a partner. Be specific with yourself and then stay true to you and your long-term desires. Then you won’t have to worry if you are talking to the bad guy or the good guy. You will find the guy who is perfect for you and where you are in life. Maybe, if we give this a try, then it will result in less disappointment for everyone.

Don’t miss this video from Dr. Zoe!

—Looking for more dating truths for your grit and grace life? Start here:He Brings Me Flowers, but Is That Enough?
How Breaking Up Made Me a Stronger Woman
Ask Dr. Zoe – My Boyfriend Has Hurt Me, Should I Forgive Him?
Here’s a Quick Way to Know If You Should Keep Dating Him
This Is What a Well-Loved Woman Feels
5 Guys to Avoid (That Your Mother Warned You About)

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: What Today’s Dating Scene is Really Like – 094

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Twitter3FacebookLinkedIn4PinterestPrint7SHARESI’m sure you have landed in the dressing room with a handful of clothes that you think might just work. As you slip that really cute top over your head then look into the mirror the shriek you emit is audible five stalls down. Is it the lighting in this dressing room (which shall we all say is the dumbest thing a retailer ever installed?) or does this color just make me look horrible?

It could be the yellow/blue/gray light that shines down on the top of your head, but it’s often the color of the clothing. I know if I put that tan khaki tone anywhere near my face the next step is to take that shovel and dig a 6-foot deep hole. The world would think I was ready for the grave.

Or that wonderfully bright orange; the one that my friends of color look amazing in. Their skin tone just glows. Me on the other hand, well let’s just say you will never see it.

So I went on a mission to discover colors that every skin tone could wear and found some great ones. To minimize the shrieking dressing room episodes, I thought I really must share these 5 colors that every woman can wear:1. Winter white. The white that looks like the purest vanilla ice cream—not really white, but really creamy—is a great one. From the purest of skin to sensitive skin wrestling with breakouts or to the one distressing over the wrinkles, this color softens every complexion.

2. Cobalt blue. This cousin of navy is a great tone. Often used in Ancient Egypt along with some dramatic eyeliner invented by those lounging ladies of leisure, brings an extra sparkle to the eye.

3. Emerald green. It’s a beautiful jewel tone, and who doesn’t like a few jewels in their wardrobe? Put an emerald green top with a dark color like a black pencil skirt or dark denim. You can’t go wrong with this combo.

4. Blush or rose pink. Even if you’re not a girly girl, don’t be afraid to add a little of this to your wardrobe. The pale touch of pink color does wonders for adding sweet life to every face.

5. Eggplant purple. This deep purple that lands midway between lavender and black works for both day and nighttime wear. This is a classy color that also suits all personalities.

For those of you who shy from color, I understand that some of these may scare you. So stick with a basic black and add a little bit of these colors in jackets, hair accessories, or jewelry. But take this challenge too, try it just once and you may be surprised at the compliments you get. Doing this might just make you want to stretch out with your wardrobe choices even more.

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You’ll also like How to Pick the Perfect Shade of Red for Every Skin Tone, The Best Style Advice I Ever Received, 5 Things Every Woman Needs in Her Work Wardrobe, 7 Brands That Are Helping Women Around the World, and How to Wear White Jeans All Year-Round

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintMy mom was an amazing woman who attended college at a time when not many women did—back in the early 40s. I am so grateful to have been raised by this strong-minded woman. She was determined that her three kids would learn a good work ethic, attend church, memorize scripture, and learn to love books.

Our reward for helping her clean house every Saturday was a trip to the library. She was into health foods long before it became trendy. No potato chips, sugared cereals, or soft drinks in our home growing up, and we drank our fair share of home-crafted carrot juice.

My mother did a lot of things right as a mom, but there were rarely any one-on-one mom/daughter times. I remember only one, even though I’m sure there were more. I was soon to begin my high school freshman year, and she drove me to a nice clothing store in the city, where she bought two new school dresses for me. I had plenty of jeans and tops, but these two dresses were special.

It also didn’t help that she was somewhat socially awkward. She wasn’t comfortable hugging or saying “I love you,” and consequently, she wasn’t someone I shared personal things with.

Listening Early OnAnd then I had a little girl, and we named her Summer. And I knew I wanted our relationship to be closer than what I had with my mom. I reasoned that if I wanted my daughter to talk openly with me during her pre-teen and teen years, then maybe I should listen to her early on. Even when all I wanted was some peace and quiet. Even then.

Our son, an early riser, usually fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. Our daughter, on the other hand, was a night owl. So after they both went to bed, I’d lie down next to Summer and we’d talk, while early morning conversations were reserved for my son.

In her teen years, even though she didn’t tell me everything that went on in her life, Summer and I had open communication lines running back and forth. Well … except when she wasn’t happy with us and punished us by exiling herself to her bedroom with the door closed.

I knew which subjects and teachers in high school were her favorites. I knew which girls were mean to her. I knew she was passionate about wanting to do something purposeful with her life. And I knew she had anxiety over what that might be.

I knew these things because we spent time together communicating—over the baking of chocolate chip cookies, around the dinner table, and while running errands together.

No Guaranteed FormulaWhen I was a young mom, I wanted a guaranteed formula for child-rearing. As a Christian parent, I wanted to know that if I did X, Y, and Z, then our children would turn out exactly how we wanted them to. But there are no formulas. What can be beneficial for one family or for one child, may not be useful to other families and their kiddos.

There is no child-rearing book for all parents everywhere. But as a general thought and under normal circumstances, what we pour into our children during their younger years, can come back to us in abundant measure.

Today, Summer and her husband are parents to six kids—three biological children, and three young brothers adopted from Uganda.

I no longer need to parent her concerning curfew, homework, chores, or skirts that are too short. Instead, I’m her head cheerleader when it comes to rearing their kiddos. “You can do this!” or “Hmmm, who does that remind me of? Oh, wait … I know. It reminds me of you at that age!”

I’m a listening ear when she needs to voice her victories or frustrations. I’m her assistant adult-in-charge of children and dogs when she and her husband need to get away for an anniversary celebration or to attend a conference.

Now there are long conversations about her work with special needs children in the local elementary school, about the funny things her youngest inadvertently spurts out. These days she’s teaching me about early childhood trauma and how it can play out, and about handling knives (from a Knives Course at New York City’s Institute of Culinary Education).

Lifelong Friend and Wise CounselorNow I have a daughter who is not only my adult friend but also gives good counsel. There was the time when her dad was dying of cancer in a hospital bed in our living room and I had politely declined an offer of meals because it was just my daughter visiting from the east coast and we didn’t eat much. When Summer found out, she proceeded to lecture. “Mom,” she said in her raised-eyebrow voice, “people want to help in meaningful ways. They want to be part of your story. You need to let them.”

How did she grow this wise?!

Some of my favorite times are sitting around the dining table and talking as adults with my daughter and son-in-law after the children have taken their plates to the sink.

We know each other well because we’ve spent hours conversing—when she was a toddler, young girl, middle schooler, high schooler. She is my life-long friend, which is a priceless gift from God.

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It can seem difficult to connect with your child during their teenage years, but we have some tips that can help: How Can I Connect And Communicate With My Teenager Better? With Jerusha Clark – 182

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintAs I sat in the chair at physical therapy with heat on my shoulder to get me ready for my session, I listened to the therapist tell this to another patient: “If there is pain, stop” and then “this isn’t supposed to be painful.”

Um. Yeah. Okay…that’s only what I’ve been told my whole life. So her words kinda hit me. Hard.

You know how it is: Every time we go through something difficult there is some cute little saying to remind us that good things only come through pain, or hard work, or after suffering. Sometimes it is right…but many times it’s just not true.

Must We Really Go Through Tough Things First?To be honest, most of my adult life has been nothing BUT hard. When I faced long deployments, I reminded myself that without that pain and loneliness, I couldn’t have a great homecoming. When I went through years of infertility treatments, I reminded myself that because of all of the pain and sorrow—that would make it all so much sweeter in the end. The list goes on. Is that really how it should work though? Can we not really have wonderful things unless we go through bad things first?

More than once, I’ve been told I had a high pain tolerance. I always wore it like a badge of honor. See what I can endure? Look how tough I am! Even as I recently worked through painful rotator cuff surgery, when the doctor tested my movement and range of motion, I heard this.

So, even as it began to pinch, I said nothing. I should have cried “uncle” once my pain hit a 3, but I waited until it was near a 10. It was at this point that I knew something was wrong, I quickly took my arm back, and with support moved it back down by my side. I felt dizzy.

“No Pain No Gain” Might Be More Harmful than HelpfulAs I showed up to therapy two days later, I was in so much pain. My therapy was quickly dialed back as I now needed time to recover from that appointment. It took nearly three weeks to heal from that day where I let myself believe that strength comes from how much you can endure. This mistake cost me three weeks of progress, three weeks of sleep, and three weeks of regret.

Of course, we go through hard things. And yes, in those hard things we gain strength and wisdom. But that doesn’t mean we have to be stupid about it either. (And boy, did I feel stupid as I sat in therapy that day!) Sometimes, though, we need a reminder that life isn’t supposed to be painful. It’s okay to say “no” to things causing us pain. It’s okay to remove ourselves from situations that hurt. It’s okay to remember that pain doesn’t always equal gain.

Now, fast-forward to month five. My shoulder feels good, almost normal. I go back to the gym and I start feeling like me again. Then one day, I wake up and my arm feels more like month one. I could barely move it. As the day went on and I got in my car to pick my kids up, I couldn’t extend my arm to reach the radio, much less the top of steering wheel. The pain was back with a vengeance.

Know Your MotivesOne month after I was discharged from therapy, I’m back, nearly in tears. We don’t know what caused this regression—slept on it funny? Overexerted? I’ll never know. But I know that I’m back and every movement I am pushed through is painful. But how do you know which pain that is meant to stretch you, and which pain is going to break you?

Our motives are often the true indicator for so many things in our lives, and I think that this is no different. I told you that I wore hard things as a badge of honor, a bit of a “look at me” if you will. What did my pride get me? Pain. I’m continuing to learn that I don’t have to prove how strong I am to anyone. I think as women, we are asked to wear so many hats and look put together and never feel like we’re falling apart. But the truth is, if we do too much, it just breaks us.

So as I continue to recover from surgery, I’ll keep pushing myself. I’ll push myself to grow. I’ll push myself to learn. I’ll push myself to do better than yesterday. But I won’t push myself so that others can define my strength. Because that? That is real strength.

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Do you know what it means to be a strong woman? Find out in this podcast episode: What Are The 6 Characteristics Of A Strong Woman? With Leadership Expert Jenni Catron – 183

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Twitter500FacebookLinkedIn12PinterestPrint512SHARESEngorgement and cluster feeding and sore nipples, oh my! Plugged ducts and milk blebs and bad latches, double oh my! I’ll take the lions and tigers and bears any day, thank you! Breastfeeding is the hardest job nobody told you about. It’s one of the most natural things our female bodies can do, yet it definitely does not come naturally. I’ve heard on more than one occasion from moms who would rather repeat the pains of childbirth to never have to breastfeed again. Yep, sounds like this nursing gig is no walk in the park.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I struggled with getting a proper latch, which made breastfeeding very painful for the first few weeks. I also dealt with repeated plugged ducts and almost constant leaking while my milk supply was trying to regulate. Throw in a forceful letdown that caused my daughter to choke, gag, and scream while nursing, and I had a wealth of challenges that could’ve derailed my breastfeeding goals completely. Sometimes it was flat out discouraging, scary, and anxiety-inducing.

Well, I’m here to tell you that it is possible to push through the incredibly difficult job of learning to breastfeed and find lasting success. No, it won’t happen overnight, and yes, it will take some real grit and grace for sure, but you can do it!

Breastfeeding is the hardest job nobody told you about.

Here are some tips I’ve picked up along my breastfeeding journey that I hope will be as beneficial to you as they have been to me.

1. Get EducatedThere are some amazing people called Lactation Consultants who are in the biz of helping mommas successfully nurse their sweet babies. I’ve met with and received help from countless LCs. If you are pregnant, I highly suggest attending a breastfeeding class taught by an LC to help you prepare (bring a supportive partner with you if possible). My husband and I attended classes in my third trimester put on by my OB/GYN practice that took place at the hospital at which I would be giving birth.

For a nominal fee, we were given a great introductory education into the world of breastfeeding. So ask your doc if they provide such classes to help you get ready to nurse your little one. Additionally, a quick Google search for research-based breastfeeding websites and videos is also helpful (kellymom.com being my favorite and LC recommended).

1. Schedule a One-on-One ConsultationFollow us on Instagram!After you have your baby, those Lactation Consultants that taught your pre-baby classes will become even more of your breast friends. As much as getting educated during pregnancy is helpful and important, once your baby is here IRL, you’ll need even more help.

When my daughter was one week old, my husband and I met with an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC). This designation is the highest level of lactation training and certification. IBCLCs are the best in the business. Our pediatric practice has one on staff who you and your baby can meet with one-on-one to get hands-on instruction, troubleshooting, and nursing plans. And get this—it was covered 100% by my insurance company! They see these appointments as preventative care since breastfeeding is so beneficial for babies that they want you to be successful.

So, ask your pediatrician if they offer this, and check with your insurance, too. If that’s not available, look for an independent IBCLC in your area, and schedule one to come to your house. You’ll have to pay them out-of-pocket, but the help is definitely worth it!

1. Get a Breastfeeding PartnerWhoever thought new moms could execute their first nursing sessions all on their own never breastfed before. You’ll need help, and there is nothing ever wrong with asking for help. Recruit a “breastfeeding plus one” which could include your baby’s father, your mother, sister, or an experienced breastfeeding friend—someone you feel comfortable with who is available, even just occasionally, to lend a helping hand. Research has proven that when a “significant other” is supportive of the mother’s breastfeeding efforts, she is much more likely to stick with it and succeed.

In the first couple weeks after your baby is born, you’ll especially need that person to help position your pillows and baby, give you a drink of water, feed you a snack, hand you a burp cloth, and cheer you on. He or she can also help your “baby brain” to remember all the important dos and don’ts you learned in your classes and IBCLC consultation. Trust me, it’s a lot of information, and having a partner to be a second brain to remind you is crucial. As the weeks go on, you (and your baby) will get better at breastfeeding and won’t need your partner at every feeding. Soon you’ll be able to get the job done all by yourself! Like all new skills, it takes time and practice, but you’ll get it!

1. Join a Support GroupEvery week, I attend “Mother’s Milk Club” at the hospital where I gave birth. This is a free breastfeeding support group, and it has been a godsend. A gathering of new moms (and seasoned mothers, too) get together with an IBCLC leading the group to share our breastfeeding struggles and triumphs. Hearing from other moms that they’re having the same issues I am is so reassuring that I’m not alone. We give each other tips and tricks we’ve learned, and the IBCLC is there to guide our discussion and share her expertise. It’s a safe place to open up and get the support you need.

In the months I’ve attended, I’ve been able to see how far my baby girl and I have come in our breastfeeding journey as I reflect on the struggles I shared my first few weeks to the victories I now can share. And it’s so encouraging to see moms go from crying in frustration and discouragement one week to celebrating a success the next. If your hospital does not offer this, simply Google “breastfeeding support groups in my area.” We have other groups that meet in libraries and homes in our city, so I bet you can find one in yours.

1. Quit TomorrowNow even with all the great education, help, and support, breastfeeding is still hard! Many times, you’ll want to give up, and those feelings are completely normal. But a great piece of advice given at my support group was to tell yourself that you’ll quit tomorrow. Just getting through one day (or even one feeding) at a time is all you need to do. After telling yourself each day that you’ll quit the next, eventually weeks and months will pass, and you never actually quit.

As you already know, breastfeeding does not work out for everyone, and that is a-ok. If you give it all you’ve got, and it just ain’t working, you are not a failure. If you can only nurse for a few weeks and then must return to your job where pumping isn’t an option, it’s okay. If you’ve battled breastfeeding issues from thrush to mastitis and everything in between, and it’s just too painful, it’s okay. If your baby isn’t growing the way he or she should be and needs to be supplemented with formula, it’s okay. Whatever seemingly insurmountable challenge you might face, it’s okay to switch to plan B, or C, or whatever plan works for you.

At the end of the day, all that matters is that your baby is fed and loved, and you can do that! You’re the best mother for your baby, and that’s not dependent on whether you succeed with breastfeeding. Kick that “grit” into gear when it gets tough, and pour out that “grace” on yourself when you feel like you’re failing—because you’re not.

Read this one, too!—Hey new mama, need some more encouragement? Start here:Being Pregnant Is Hard! 4 Truths for a Mom-To-Be
When a Strong Woman Is Quitting, But Not Failing
Practical Mom Advice on Breastfeeding and Formula
Ask Dr. Zoe – Help! I Can’t Do It All!
You Need to Know This Before Having a Baby
7 Tips For Battling Baby Blues
Remember This When Your Baby is Growing Up

Don’t miss these popular articles:10 Ways to Boost Your Confidence
This Is Why You Can’t Rely on Looks in a Relationship
Here Are 13 Things Only Siblings Will Get
To the Woman Who Cleaned up After My Autistic SonThe Grit and Grace of a Baseball Wife
Bible Verses From the Grit and Grace Team on Grace #gritandgracelife

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How Do I Know What Defines Me? – 078!**

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWinters chill keeps us inside. Inside our homes and inside our heads. I had never noticed before the beauty in winter. The beauty that comes from just stopping and resting and letting go of the chase and hustle, even just for a season.

Maybe I had never noticed it before because I have spent all my winters in California and this winter, I was in Tennessee. It was cold and wet. Now, I must wait a few more days for the start of spring to do the things I need to do.

Waiting in WinterWaiting is hard for me. I am a person who is always busy, and although in recent years I have learned to slow down and take care of myself, I am still more comfortable in the hustle than in the rest. So as the last days of winter come and go, I will rest and wait. I will rest in the truth of God’s timing being better then my own. This gives me peace and patience on my hard days.

I always have loved fall and spring the most—those two seasons I look forward to and am sad when they leave. This year was the first time winter has my attention. I am going to use this cold, dark, wet season for what it is…

Hibernation Is an Opportunity to ResetAm I hibernating or isolating? I do both when I get in a funk. I go inside my head and abstain from reaching out to my people, although I know I always feel better after I get off the phone with a friend. Sometimes I keep it to myself to try and figure it out on my own. This winter is different; this moment is new. I am bringing it to maybe my oldest friend, my first friend—this winter I’ve been bringing it to Jesus. And in that He is having me do lots of self-work. Lots of strength training and not with weights, but with the wait.

I am continuously reminded that in His time it will happen. And that He has me. And in this isolation or hibernation I can go to Him completely. In a funk with spouse? Questioning my parenting? I can go to him. Afraid of the new? I can go to him. Worried about the future? Yep, you got it—He is right there. And in that I feel a stronger sense of surrender and dependence than in winters past.

Do you isolate when things get hard? Why must we feel like we cannot share these moments? Why must we try and solve and be and do all of it when God intended us to be a community? That is what is so great about my tribe. I can call any one of them and spill the good, the bad and the ugly and come through the other side feeling heard and validated. As crazy as I allow my overthinking brain to get, my tribe always gets me. So this time, I am making myself work it all out. Work through it. The wait, the winter, the worries, the funk.

Spring will come and the wet ground will dry. Progress and hustle will check in to work like they haven’t missed a shift. Yet they have. They have been put to rest for awhile and maybe they will come out better for it. Maybe we all need a real winter: a season to stay cozy and nurture the things that mean the most to us instead of chasing the things society said to. Maybe Jesus is waiting for us to knock, to ask, to lean for comfort.

I am trying hard to let this winter teach me. To take in its lessons. To not whine and be ungrateful. After all, I woke up this morning.

Rest, Refresh and Refocus for SpringSo, in this hibernation or isolation—whichever you call this winter season where we go inside—go deeper, go inside and go to God and really find out what makes you tick, how can you fix the funk, how can you worship through the worry, how can you not fear the unknown but be excited by the change.

All of the things that go on in our lives and in our heads can get some much-needed rest and relaxation. Come spring we may all be better off having stayed inside—inside the house, inside our head. Inside our own lives and families and not tried to do it all and be it all.

Maybe we all need a real winter: a season to stay cozy and nurture the things that mean the most to us instead of chasing the things society said to.

Winters chill keeps us inside, but it is not forever. And before we know it, the sun will melt the ice and the world will thaw. We will miss these days cozy blankets and books were our companion.

What are you doing this winter? I am hibernating and isolating and waiting for God’s plans to come forth. In His time. I am learning that I am stronger than I thought. I am working on breaking the cycle and being a healthier version of me. Trying hard to make sure my time is given where it is needed the most. Making sure I am loving my person who has been beside me for a couple decades. I am loving me more than I ever have. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, I am still here. So grateful.

This real winter is harsh, but I never have had one before. Maybe everyone needs a winter to go inside take some time for what truly matters. As winter comes to an end and the world starts to thaw, my hope is that your winter was good to your soul as well.

“Rest is not idle, is not wasteful. Sometimes rest is he most productive thing you can do for your body and soul.” Erica Layne

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Not sure where to turn when life is wearing you down? We share some ideas in this podcast episode: Overcome These 5 Struggles And Live A Grit + Grace Life – 088

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWhat does it mean to follow Jesus or to say, “I am a Christian?”

With the recent Asbury Revival igniting new conversations around faith, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender decided to share the highs and lows of their individual faith journeys and getting to know Jesus. Darlene grew up in a strict church environment with a lot of rules, while Julie’s Methodist church emphasized the importance of relationships and feeling connected with others in the house of God.

Both took paths that brought them closer to Jesus but encountered moments of pride and self-righteousness in their faith that they later learned couldn’t prevent real-life heartache. They chat about the beauty and difficulty of having a relationship with Jesus, the beauty in our imperfect lives with Him, the hope and comfort He offers us, and why we need to learn to trust Him when He says He loves us unconditionally.

Quote of the episode:

“This is why we need Jesus: because we cannot be perfect.” —Julie Bender

ResourcesRelated articles:
—Battered Faith: Holding On To Hope Even When You Struggle
—Building Faith: Growing In Your Relationship With God

Related episodes:
—Does The Bible Need To Be Part Of Our Lives? with Steve Wiggins – 173
—If You Want To Grow In Faith, Try These Simple Things – 144

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintMy mother had me late in life. So, by the time I was 12, she was nearing the magic age of 50. I remember sitting in her bedroom while she dressed in the mornings. We would talk about my plans for the day. And as I sat there, my mind would drift, “I wonder if I’ll look like my mom when I grow up?”

She was a small-framed, almost frail, woman, with what she endearingly called her “baby belly pouch.” It hung right above her panty-line. I can remember she always tried to hide as she dressed almost like she was just a little embarrassed or uncomfortable for my 12-year-old eyes to see her nakedness.

Her behavior left an impression on my heart, perhaps as a woman, there is something wrong with how I was created. Perhaps as a girl, there were some things I should hide.

I never talked to my mom about what she thought about her body. In fact, talking about anything personal or my concerns about growing up was completely taboo. So, for me and my curious 12-year-old mind, we were left to navigate my growing body and developing perspectives by ourselves.

But then I hit my teen years and then early twenties, and all the questions I never asked, all the concerns about baby belly pouches and if I would look like mom switched to concerns about whether I was pretty enough, smart enough, could achieve enough and before I knew it, I was more concerned about my panty-line and the impression I left than I was about my character.

As I moved through my 30s, I cared less about measuring up. I call those my non-conforming-radical years, but then I hit my 40s and early 50s and I exchanged my open-mindedness for conformity.

My focus shifted from refusing to be measured to whether I could keep up. Could I compete for the job, the promotion, the career, or maintain the social media sculpted images of home, family, and life?

There was a fair amount of comparison that ruled those years and it all caused my mind to sway from being content with my blessings to needing just a little more to demonstrate my worth and value.

How Do You See Yourself?I wonder if you have ever found yourself fretting over how you look, what you do, or how much you’ve achieved. Maybe you are like me and had parents who remained silent when it came time to answer the questions that preoccupied your mind. So, you formed your own perspectives and expectations and today you find yourself struggling to keep up with your self-imposed standards.

I’ve stood right where you are standing, looking in the mirror and not being completely satisfied with the reflection. I know the frustration of unobtainable standards but I am also learning I don’t have to stay shackled to the image I’ve created.

I’m now sitting at 64 and I find myself thinking about all the things that influenced me. The questions of my childhood and all the time spent wondering and hoping that somehow all my doing would result in acceptance: God being satisfied with my efforts, my parents being proud of my achievements, and my husband being pleased with the wife I’ve become. And what I am discovering is that all those years spent striving to earn favor and worrying that I wasn’t measuring up were but a distortion of God’s truth.

God never asked that we work to become a mini-image of Him (self-made perfection in earthly form). He only asks that we abide in Him, reflecting his image of love as we grow closer to Him.

This radical shift in my awareness of whom God is has made me rethink how I should walk in the world. Perhaps instead of focusing my remaining time on trying to maintain an image that boosts my ego and satisfies the expectations of others, I should focus my efforts on becoming an image bearer—a reflection of my Father.

When You’re Not Happy In Front of the Mirror, Be an Image BearerI want to encourage you to take a few minutes, allow your mind and heart to grow quiet, and ask yourself, “By what standard am I defining myself? Whose image am I trying to present to the world?”

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.

Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, and develops well-formed maturity in you. (Romans 12:1-2, The Message).

These verses urge us to take the focus off ourselves and fix our gaze on God. But how do we make this essential move?

Here are 4 steps to consider as you navigate your journey:

Surrender
The scripture says, “Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.” I think Paul, the author of Romans, is telling us to surrender every aspect of our lives to God. So easy to say, yet so hard to do.

The thought of surrender brings to mind images of passivity and defeat, and I don’t know about you, but that isn’t a place I want to live. Yet, I am learning that Godly surrender is the most active and freeing approach I can take in my life. Placing God’s will and His plan before my own takes faith and each time I take a step in obedience, my character reflects His just a little more.

Embrace
Paul goes on to add, “Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.” The word embrace is defined as accept or support willingly and enthusiastically or holding closely in one’s arms. I think both definitions paint the image Paul is trying to convey. To reflect God’s image, we need to hold Him close in our hearts and as we hold on, we are to accept His love and grace willingly and enthusiastically.

Focus on God
The verse instructs us to “…fix your attention on God.” In our world today, I think this is much easier said than it is to accomplish. There are so many distractions that demand our attention, but there is one thing I have found that helps me refocus my mind. I talk to God.

Sometimes we talk while walking on the river trail. Other times, we chat in the early morning over a cup of tea. It doesn’t matter where you are, how you feel, or what you look like, just take a few minutes to share your feelings, hurts, and victories with God. The key is to be brutally honest with yourself and Him and then keep your eyes and heart open as you wait for God’s response. And that leads me to the final step…

Respond to His Direction
I think this is the hardest for me to accomplish. I am more than willing to tell God all about my challenges but what I’m asking is for Him to validate my wants, ambitions, and desires. If His direction is different from my expectations, I have a dilemma.

How about you? Have you ever earnestly prayed, received God’s response, and been frustrated with the outcome? Well, I am beginning to understand that in those times, I have to revisit that step of surrender, then embrace God’s best for me, refocus my attention on Him, and then respond to His direction. It is an endless cycle and as humans, we will travel this road many times. But the beauty in our journey is God is faithful and promises to meet us each and every time we seek Him.

Although I still carry the baggage from my past and the never-ending distractions of today, I’m learning that I am best defined by God, who lives in me. And as I grow closer to Him, his light begins to shine in me more and more, a reflection of his love, an image of his truth.

I hope you recognize just how wonderfully and uniquely God has created you. You don’t need to strive, compare, or relentlessly work to achieve. Your past, today’s challenges, or tomorrow’s successes don’t have to define you. God has already done all the heavy lifting. All you need to do is nestle into His loving arms and allow His light to capture your heart and shine bright through you.

You are God’s image bearer, a divine representation of His unconditional grace.

—
Do you ever doubt your standing, in God’s eyes or in the eyes of others? Here’s why that’s not true: Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Not Enough? With Jodi Shultz – 172

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Twitter22FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint22SHARESCaroline Beidler, MSW, came charging into our world at Grit and Grace Life with a laser-focused sense of direction. Her life has been reclaimed, and she knows it. Her sense of purpose has been clear from the moment she entered our door—no one here had to convince her of it or help her discover it. We simply wanted to help provide a platform to share it, because we believe in her, and we believe in her desire to help others.

We’ve enjoyed her talent as a writer, we’ve become acquainted with her heart, and it’s all so vulnerably lovely. So, what greater privilege could we have than the opportunity to share the grand news that she’s written a book? (We always knew she could do it.) And wait—there’s more—we have the honor of including a free downloadable chapter of her new book here: https://www.carolinebeidler.com/freechapter.

But first, here’s a Q&A with Caroline so that you can get to know her a bit better.

The Downstairs Church InterviewQ: Caroline, what is the name of your book?

A: Downstairs Church: Finding Hope in the Grit of Addiction and Trauma Recovery. Of course, I had to include the word “grit” in the title somewhere and you’ll find the theme of “grace” woven throughout.

Q: Why did you decide to write this book?

A: My own experience of finding and maintaining sobriety (it is a process), has led me to discover some amazing truths about recovery. One of them being: the journey propels me outside of myself and my comfort zone to share this recovery life with others. In other words, I had to write this book.

Q: Can you try to describe what it’s like to be involved in the recovery community?

A: The recovery community, for me, is a family. A large, funky, and dysfunctional one, to be sure, but a family that holds up a loving mirror that says “you are welcome here.” The recovery community, for me, has been an agent of healing. I first learned to be myself here. I first learned to have a voice here. I first learned that I am loved here. In the recovery community, I met and learned more about God, too. It wasn’t in a church sanctuary. It was in a church basement that I met Jesus.

Q: What is it about the people you encounter in recovery that make you feel welcome?

A: In most recovery spaces I’ve found a level of honesty and truth that is hard to find anywhere else. There are no masks that say “everything is fine.” The social hierarchy is non-existent. It doesn’t matter if you live in a Southern mansion and your daddy’s a millionaire or you’ve come into the rooms from the biting cold of the cardboard-lined streets.

Philip Yancey, best-selling author of Where the Light Fell: A Memoir says: “From the downstairs church I learned radical honesty and radical dependence.We can’t make it on our own.” I’ve learned this—am learning this—too.

Q: What is that like—for people to be fully transparent and open themselves up to one another?

A: It’s tough. But it’s real. Something gritty and beautiful happens in recovery places. Perhaps you’ve experienced it, too. Perhaps you, like countless of us, are searching for a better way. A new way. A life of healing and purpose and meaning. God tells us that when we are real with each other, when we share and confess our sins with one another, we will be healed. This happens so beautifully in any recovery space I’ve ever visited.

When a group of people sit in a circle (either in-person or virtually) and share the deepest parts of themselves without reservation, hearts are changed. Those of us who have been broken down by the struggle of addiction are able to come from a place of surrender. This is one of the miraculous and upside-down gifts of grace.

Q: If someone were to pick up Downstairs Church: Finding Faith in the Grit of Addiction Recovery, what can they expect from it?

A: In the book, I explore addiction, mental health, and trauma recovery and then highlight the freedom, faith, and hope that can be found in the “downstairs church” or recovery community. The radical vulnerability required of addiction and mental health recovery is something that we can all benefit from and I want to share this with anyone who cares about this issue. It doesn’t matter if you are in recovery from addiction or not—everyone can learn something from this book.

Q: Would you be willing to share one of your favorite quotes from the book?

A: “Basement grace is a gift. It is a radical love reserved for the rag-tag, the outcast, the lost. What if we could share this gift on Sundays, on all days, without question, expectation or limitation? What if we could bring what we learn in the basement upstairs into the light?”

—

So, there you have it. This refreshing, hopeful new read is out there waiting for you, and you can download the first chapter, here, for free! We trust you’ll enjoy it, gain wisdom, and become inspired on your own journey. And of course, congratulations, Caroline!

LINK TO DOWNLOAD FIRST CHAPTER: https://www.carolinebeidler.com/freechapter

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Twitter332FacebookLinkedIn111PinterestPrint443SHARESSome of life’s storms come and go with little impact on our daily lives and hardly disrupt our normal routines. Some storms of life are just a bother, leaving no rubble in their passing.

But others rush in, demand our attention, and throw us around like a forgotten lawn chair during a fierce hurricane. These monster storms pass, too. And as they do, we may sit stunned at just how much has toppled, just how much has come undone, just how easily our strength blew away in the wind.

Do I have enough grit to weather the storm?The wind is blowing now. I see leaves clinging with full resolve to their branch. They hold on trying to beat the odds, trying to stay securely connected to the tree. But a leaf is just a leaf and the wind is the wind, and as their grit runs out, leaves float to the ground. And I wonder if my grit will run out, too. Will I lose my hold, my footing, my moorings, and my compass? I am just me, and life is life; will my grit run out before the storm passes, before the winds cease?

I continue to watch the wind-battered leaves while these questions keep knocking and life’s demands keep demanding. I think of my lists and my people and my promises. I remember my dreams and goals and desires. I tell myself that I am strong, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I’m ready for this big messy life. But deep down, I know that I too am a leaf, and I wonder when the wind will cease.

And as one day of pondering bleeds into the next, I find myself back at work visiting with clients in my spa treatment room. Women come and women go, and in the in-between, we chat about this and that, most days.

I tell myself that I am strong, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, that I’m ready for this big messy life.

Just as you’re coming undone…On other days, like today, I quickly realize that although I’m an esthetician, I am more often a chaplain. Hearts open and spill, as do the stories and tears. A dear woman just lost her husband. She tells me about the funeral arrangements, shares how the evenings are the hardest time of day now, weeps as she explains what a good man he was. Her facial appointment is completed in hushed holiness. In the end, I hug her tight and try to squeeze as much of my strength into her frail form as I can. She will need grit today, and I know she doesn’t think she has any.

I’ve known my next client for eight years. Regular visits and friendly conversation have knitted us together, so she shares openly. She’s scheduled for surgery next week, and she’s afraid. I hear the fear in her voice, see it in her eyes. The cancer is slow-moving, and the prognosis is good…but still…fear. My eyes meet hers, and I offer a kind and knowing smile. I tell her I’ll pray, and she knows I will, and somehow, she seems a bit settled. Like somehow someone else knowing our fears and believing we’ll be okay anchors us to Someone bigger than ourselves. As she leaves, she tells me this surgery will show her just how strong she is. And I know she doubts she has what it takes to make it through. We both pause silently, both recognizing that it’s when we don’t think we have enough strength that we find out just how strong we really are.

A young momma, all in love with her babes, comes in to find a restful space to recharge. But more than the silence of the treatment room, she needs a listening ear. Her day-to-day demands are eroding her confidence, and she thinks she’s coming undone. She’s unsure if she’s doing it right, if she’s giving her kids all they need. She’s tired, doubts she has what it takes, and is sure she’s at the end of herself. Yet somehow, she’s still doing it, and I tell her she’ll keep doing it, and it will be worth it. And as she hears about my grown babes and the road I traveled, the road she travels now, she starts to relax. So, as I knead the tension from her shoulders, I silently pray that she finds the strength she needs, the strength she doesn’t think she has.

Heading for home, I hear the wind, and my mind thinks of the parable about the houses in a storm. How one stood and the other toppled. How it wasn’t what they were made of that determined their outcome, but what they were resting on that settled their fate. The story goes like this:

“Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built” (Luke 6:47-48).

…you will find the strength you didn’t know you had.I’m in the middle of my own storm, and like my clients, I know my grit is being tried. But it’s when the wind erodes my resolve to carry on, when I’ve come to the end of my own strength, that my inner dialogue takes the posture of prayer. It’s in these moments, in the prayerful times, that I’m digging deep like a man building a house.

We dig deep, deeper than our own strength, when our knees bend and our head bows and our spirit reaches out and presses into God. Because if we’re going to survive life’s monster storms, we have to trade our role as a determined cheerleader for that of a humble petitioner.

We dig deep, deeper than our own strength, when our knees bend and our head bows and our spirit reaches out and presses into God.

And here’s the beauty in the struggle, here’s the pearl in our dark days, coming to the end of our own strength brings us to the place where we choose to kneel, and choosing to kneel is truly the grittiest grit there is. This grit, called perseverance, shows itself when we have done everything we can do to stand, and we keep standing because we choose to press into the One who pours strength into us.

It’s the type of grit that comes as a gift, as an overflow of the Spirit of God. It comes, faithfully, when we arrive at the place when we are sure we don’t have any grit at all, but we dig deep and press in. It comes, this grittiest grit, and carries us through the very thing we thought would topple us. I am just me, and life is life. But God is faithful; he is our strength, and believing that equips us with all the grit we will ever need.

Here’s the beauty in the struggle, here’s the pearl in our dark days, coming to the end of our own strength brings us to the place where we choose to kneel, and choosing to kneel is truly the grittiest grit there is.

—Don’t miss this one!Looking for more encouragement as a strong woman of faith? Check out:This Is How to Avoid Stagnation and Get More out of Life
How Do I Know What Defines Me?
Battered Faith: Holding on to Hope Even When You Struggle
Anatomy of a Strong Woman
How a Woman of Grit and Grace Wears Her Faith

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*How My Husband and I Survived My Affair

gritandgracelife***

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Handle Real-Life Struggles That Challenge Your Faith – 112!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintMy college days centered around food. Cooking with the international students on campus, I forged lifelong friendships and learned recipes for dumplings I’d use well into adulthood. Something about our conversations shared while chopping green onions and brewing hot pots strengthened both our bodies and souls. Adult life seems disconnected, busier, and less social. It’s full of instant meals and quick conversations. Nutrient- and communication-starved.

A Loneliness EpidemicHosting the occasional dinner party could be a simple and elegant way to jumpstart the well-being changes we need, injecting the benefits of close community and good food into our emotional, mental, and relational health.

Dinner brings everyone together, encourages them to spend time getting into entrees and entertaining conversation that doesn’t happen anywhere else. Lately, media coverage explains loneliness is an epidemic. With isolation breeding mental health problems, stress-related health problems, and just a plain rotten time, it might be a good time to question our fenced-in yards, rolled-up car windows, and AirPods worn in public places.

How can one little weekly meal change things? A regular communal dining experience prioritizes our food, our relationships, and our mental well-being simultaneously.

Check out the world’s famous Blue Zones, where the highest concentrations of resident centenarians live in community together, exercising, dining, and doing life together. Their long lifespans and quality of life are attributed to the organic way they’ve interwoven communal living and their nutrient dense diets.

Not bad for a potluck, eh? Taking the time to dine together regularly might be worth a try considering the benefits. With the idea brewing in our minds, there are a few ways we can get the “mostest” out of “playing hostess.”

How to Play the Hostess WellGet fresh ingredients.
Instead of a rushed trip to the grocery store, grabbing the ingredients for dinner can be an opportunity to establish community. In her book, French Women Don’t Get Fat, author Mireille Guiliano talks about the enlightening outing of a French woman to the farmer’s market every few days, hunting for the freshest ingredients to flood their senses with each dish. Fresher, more potent ingredients inspire us to eat less, she explains. According to Guiliano, choosing quality ingredients over the quantity of ingredients ensures we no longer experience “gastrointestinal boredom.” Winning!

See if your area has a farmer’s market or a produce vendor with regular specials and rotating fresh produce. For our health and wellness to gain the most, our dinner party wellness experiment begins with communication about the menu with our diners and the collection of our ingredients.

Now is the opportunity to trade the routine for something stimulating! Ask others for their ideas and recipe, try a new boutique grocer you’ve always driven by, or pick an international dish forcing you to go to that local bodega for spices you cannot get anywhere else. With your family in tow, your prepping for dinner has become an interesting field trip.

Get their dietary restrictions.
Take the time to show everyone invited that their situation is important to you. While catering to different dietary restrictions can be pricey, it’s possible to make little recipe tweaks that make them feel special. In our next step of making everyone participate in the cooking, you give them the opportunity to show up with their own diet-conscious ingredients to throw into the mix before the recipes begin.

It’s as easy as throwing “Does anybody have any dietary restrictions?” into the group chat, followed by individual direct messages if something needs clarification or further planning. This gives everyone a chance to feel valued, vulnerable, and honest about their own personal situation. Who knows—it might launch some interesting dialogue about diet or cuisine that’s full of useful and new information.

Get everyone cooking.
Don’t start the food until others have arrived and can cook with you. Have a charcuterie or something else to snack on, open a bottle of something, and make the food preparation part of the experience. A round of Brie cheese with some sliced baguette and pears on the side is an easy way to satiate everyone’s hunger as they start to prep the food.

Don’t have a large kitchen? It’s possible to set up stations, like veggie chopping on the dining table or someone whisking at the kitchen bar. If this seems unrealistic, ensure the snacks are distributed in a way that a few folks are clustered here and there, interacting.

Get comfy.
Inviting people into your home without a time limit calls for prior planning. It might be tougher to be social weekly, but maybe it’s possible to meet twice a month for a Friday night? Make sure your diners know you’ll be prepping the food together, spending time socializing before dinner is ready.

Perks of Hosting a Dinner PartyAnother beautiful thing about hosting a dinner party at home is the intimacy of the gathering. You make sure your house is ready for hosting, or better yet, don’t. If you have kids, there’s no reason to pretend like you live in a spotless penthouse. If you have a smaller apartment, there’s no reason to pretend like you can host two dozen guests.

Having people into your home brings depth to your character and theirs, allowing you to be yourself and them to feel comfortable as well. Dinner parties at home mean people can take their shoes off, pull a blanket over themselves on your couch after the meal with a glass of wine, or pull their friend aside in the kitchen for a “heart to heart.”

With recipes and possible meal options brewing in your head, decide who to invite. Think of people who are friends—or potential friends—to bring to the table. Now is the time to be courageous. Maybe even consider using a new recipe as an excuse to have everyone out:

“Hey, I’ve been dying to try to make XYZ and am having some friends over for a dinner party on Friday night. I thought of you and would love if you could come!”

Don’t forget to mention you’re all going to be getting your hands dirty in the kitchen if space allows. How fun is it to randomly have someone say they’re interested in the pleasure of your company over a meal? That’s how your guests are going to feel!

The beauty of this dinner plan is, no matter who shows up and when, you’ve already reaped some many mental, emotional, and relational benefits from the steps you took to get this far! The world got a little less lonely; the local town got a little more tightly knit; you grew more knowledgeable; and hopefully your kitchen smelled delicious.

—
Looking for more ways to improve your friendships? You’ll love this podcast episode: How Do I Connect With Friends When I Feel Alone? With Katie Cress – 165

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI’ve always been a fan of walking. Walking with friends or alone has always brought me joy. Last spring when I began teaching remotely from my house, I would slip out during the lunch hour to step away from my computer screen, get some fresh air and move my body. I would turn on a podcast, or some music and walk as quickly as I could over to a nearby elementary school.

Next to the school is a paved walking path that winds around a soccer field. At one end of the path is a trail leading into the woods where the school has a handful of beautiful outdoor classrooms. Some days, I meander among the trees and alongside the brook in the woods, noticing the beauty and stillness, but most of the time I find myself content to walk in circles around the paved path. The certainty of a rounded route brings me comfort. No decisions, just walking in a circle. It brings me freedom to let my mind wander.

The Man with a LimpOn one particular day in the spring, I saw a man walking on the other side of the path, limping as he took each step. From across the field, it seemed like one side of his body was shorter than the other. As I walked briskly, he moved very slowly and intently as if every step hurt. At the time, I was recovering from two foot surgeries, so I was keenly aware of moving forward through pain, which made me even more heightened to his presence.

As I came up behind him I felt nervous and guilty. Should I pass him? Will that make him feel bad? Should I say anything? Or just smile? Should I even make eye contact? On the first lap, I took the easy way out. I walked quickly by him, turned and nodded. He smiled back. I was surprised to see a chiseled face behind the shade of his hood. I continued around the track for another 20 minutes, and then headed home.

Almost every day that spring, I headed back to that track, and almost every time he was there, limping and walking. He was always there when I arrived, and still walking when I left.

His Physical Struggles Encouraged Me Amid My WearinessAs I walked, I would contemplate his endurance through his obvious struggle. Every step he took looked slow and painful. HIs left leg would lift and his right foot would stomp the concrete. Up, down, up, down. Meanwhile, I was at my wits end from the constant changes that COVID-19 was bringing to my daily routines. I was frustrated to be teaching eager fourth graders behind the relational barriers of a screen. Unsure of what the each day would bring, I was getting very weary of the shaky ground. And every day, the man was there, walking in circles.

One particular day, I was talking to God telling Him about my weariness. As I watched the man walk, I knew that God was answering my prayers as I watched him. He was encouraging me to keep walking through my struggles. If that man could, then I could. It felt like he and I were in this together, teammates. But he just didn’t know about it. It seemed we had a quiet agreement as we walked.

As the fall came, I happily headed back into the classroom for hybrid teaching, so my mid-day walks came to an end. Sometimes I would head over to the track in the evening, but he wasn’t there. My crazy mind sometimes wondered if he was even real, or did I imagine him? Was he an angel?

Christmas break arrived. Our trip to California was canceled. In my disappointment, I layered on my clothes to face the brisk winter and headed over to the path. And he was there. Dressed in sweats and a hoodie, there he was limping around the track.

This time it was different. As I came up next to him, with a smile on his face he said, “You’ve really got the hang of this, but you should slow down.” I smiled back, contemplated his words, and did another lap. The next time I came upon him, I turned and asked him how many laps he walks. I was shocked when his answer was “8 miles worth.” Astounded, I removed my earbuds. I asked, “How long does that take?” He answered, “About three and half hours.”

I slowed my pace and walked beside him. I proceeded to walk the next four laps with him. He talked and talked. He told me he is 57 years old. He lost his first wife and baby at 26 years old in a car accident. Remarried, he now has four daughters. His injury: a strained hip. He said the only thing that helps the pain is to consistently move through it. The only thing that helps the pain is to consistently move through it.

Encouragement was heaped on me simply by listening to his story. It was a clear reminder from an angel that life is hard. It is long, unplanned, heavy and often burdensome. But we weren’t called to carry it all; we are called to consistently move through it, putting one foot in front of the other.

The man, Paul, doesn’t even know what he taught me. He doesn’t know that for months I observed him, and wondered about his story, and admired his persistence and discipline. He doesn’t know that when he told me I should slow down, my husband had just suggested that same thing that morning. He doesn’t know that his words were echoing what God was teaching me.

He doesn’t know that when he told me to consistently keep moving forward, I would be still reflecting on those words a month later as I face parenting heartaches, my confusing emotions about the pandemic, work expectations and much more.

I am so glad I made the choice to ask him how many laps he walks. I’m so glad I slowed down my pace and walked those laps with him and heard part of his story. It widened my scope and reminded me that the world is not about me.

We all have stories, we all bear a lot of heartache. When we ask God to talk to us, He will. First through His word, and then through His people. His blessings abound. Sometimes in obvious ways, other times more obscure. Paul doesn’t know that we are teammates, but I do. Rather than alone, it’s so much easier when we consistently move forward together.

—
When it seems impossible to walk through your pain, listen to the stories of those who have been there and done it successfully: Behind Her Struggle With Alcohol With Lindsey Encinias – 161

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI am a fourth grade teacher. Every year my students read a book about a person who has impacted the world: Albert Einstein, Anne Frank, Jane Goodall, Bill Gates. They learn how to paraphrase material, take notes, and then they write a paper about their person’s life. Then they dress up accordingly, and present a memorized speech to the rest of the class and the parents.

This is one of my absolute favorite units to teach. The students learn that all across time and history, God has used many different people from every walk of life, with a range of abilities, for all different purposes. Each of these people leveraged their unique God-given gifts and talents to make a difference, and in doing so, made a great impact. Many of them struggled in doing so, but in the end, they knew who they were, did what they needed to do, and someone told their story.

Legacies that Inspire UsRecently, we gathered in the family room around a crackling fire excited for family movie night. After scrolling through a handful of options, my husband chose Selma, the story of Martin Luther King Jr.’s 1965 fight for voting rights. It is a beautiful depiction of when he bravely orchestrated and led a march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

The movie inspired me. Why? Because Martin Luther King Jr. lived out his convictions without apology. He had to. He didn’t worry about what people thought. He didn’t sway off course because he was worried about his reputation. He put one foot in front of the other with his eyes fixed on what he knew was right. When he was a little boy, he told his mother that he wanted to “turn the world upside down”, and that’s exactly what he did.

Have you seen the Broadway musical Hamilton? Or listened to the soundtrack? One of my favorite songs is called “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?” The song is told from Alexander Hamilton’s wife Eliza’s perspective. She outlived him by 50 years and among many things, became the founder of the first private orphanage in New York City.

She lived to tell Alexander’s story. He was one of our nation’s founding fathers and a revolutionist. His passion and pursuit led him to create the country’s financial system; he was said to write the Federalist Papers like he was “running out of time”. Alexander was known to be overconfident and pushy with his ideas, and he clearly didn’t live for the approval of people. He passionately lived out his purpose.

It’s easy to learn about world changers like Martin Luther King Jr., Alexander Hamilton, and Eliza, and then compare their stories to our own. Do their big stories make our smaller stories insignificant? Absolutely not.

We have no idea the story that God is writing through our everyday lives and who will tell our story in the future. I believe that when Alexander, Martin Luther King and Eliza were living their lives, they had no idea of the timeless legacy they were creating. They were just doing what they believed was right, one step at a time.

Live Life UnapologeticallyOur small stories matter because they unknowingly lead to the larger ones. The pastor of our church spoke to this. He is a proclaimed perfectionist and likes his lawn cut with lines in perfect parallels. He has learned that as he mows, he must focus on what’s in front of him. If he looks to the left and right, he will swerve slightly off course. So rather than looking side to side, he keeps his eyes fixed on a point far in the distance to keep straight lines.

In the same way, when we live with our eyes fixed on our overall purpose, and don’t look left and right for people’s approval, we have a better chance of staying on course.

I am grateful for many friends whose lives exemplify purposeful living. My friend Jen is one that immediately comes to mind. We met at church and immediately clicked, but we lived in different areas of our city, so we didn’t live everyday life together.

I’ll never forget the night that she and her husband came over for dinner. We were chatting about how we wished we lived in the same community so that we could see each other more often. I remember when she said, “I think our friendship was meant to be lived out with our backs leaning against each other and us facing outward. We both have people to love, and work to do, but God put us in different neighborhoods on purpose. Back to back, we can fight the battles and love the people, and one day we will celebrate our victories side by side as sisters in heaven.”

For 40 years, Jen passionately lived. She knew her cancer was terminal and was determined to “Do Cancer Well.” She truly had her eyes fixed on eternity and it showed in the way that she lived. Despite her suffering, she lived her days intentionally.

Who Will Tell Your Story?Jen’s example makes me want to live unapologetically. I want to be known by the way I love God and love others, and this starts in the small moments. I am a wife, so I will do my best to faithfully love my husband.As a mom, I will try to be present and available for my kids. In teaching, I will seek to make learning engaging.

It starts small. I realize I can’t control what people will remember about me. But I can keep my eyes fixed on that point off in the distance, remind myself of who I want to be and strive to live that out in my moments.

We have a limited amount of days to live on this earth. Remember your small story matters.

So, who are you? What do you want to do? Who will tell your story?

—
Leaving a legacy often begins with tapping into our purpose. Still questioning yours? Here’s where to start: Do You Know Your Purpose? It May Surprise You! – 193

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Twitter70FacebookLinkedIn8PinterestPrint78SHARESI grew up in a tiny Indiana town where generations of families either worked their farmland or found employment in the area factories for union wage. You knew the names of almost everyone in the community and also knew their “business.” As in cities large and small, there were classes of citizens, from the bank president to the school janitor. You held a position, and it was there you stayed.

In the summer, we rode our bikes for miles to the local swimming pool or dropped them at the side of the road to explore the woods, often ending our days watching the boys play little league. Yes, these were the years that girls watched, boys played. Even though those years hold so many good memories, I was a young girl who was filled with discontentment. I wanted more than the small town. I believed there was a big world out there and my heart burned to discover it. I desired a life of adventure and purpose, neither of which I felt was in the town where my family lived.

It was in middle school (when I was still too young to hop in a car to explore the great unknown) that I discovered my love for reading. The library in our city was a magnificent place, and for me, it was the site to gain inspiration that I could become more than my circumstances dictated. It was there that I planted myself in the biographical aisle, choosing the stories of women before me. The stories of those who in some way changed history, fought for justice, and impacted the world that was theirs.

I think these ladies were not only inspiring then but are still worth quoting today. To celebrate Women’s History Month, I have pulled 8 quotes from these brilliant women whose lives epitomized grit and grace. Their sayings have been carried through decades and are genuinely just as relevant today.

Let’s remember the stories of the women who in some way changed history, fought for justice, and impacted the world that was theirs. #womenshistorymonth

“There is no royal flower-strewn path to success. And if there is, I have not found it, for if I have accomplished anything in life, it is because I have been willing to work hard.”In 1905, Madame C.J. Walker was the inventor of a line of African-American hair care products, the first to be introduced in this country. As a successful businesswoman, she eventually became one of the first American women to become a self-made millionaire. I didn’t realize how vital hair care products were to the black culture until I tried to manage the curly locks of my grandson. There is no wonder she became a millionaire! She showed us that hard work was the key to success, just as it is now.

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.”The story of Helen Keller has always intrigued me. She lost her sight and her hearing when she was only a year old, yet she became the first deaf and blind person (person, not just woman) to receive a Bachelor of Arts. With all she had against her success, it is surprising that she chose to credit optimism for her many achievements. This should be true in our lives even today. (Want to embrace optimism? Don’t miss this episode of our podcast This Grit and Grace Life: The Benefits of Optimism in the Grit and Grace Life – 025!)

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act; the rest is merely tenacity.”You have probably heard of this lady. Amelia Earhart was an American pilot and the first woman to fly alone across the Atlantic Ocean. And not only did she do it once—in 1932, she became the first person to fly across the Atlantic twice. I think the decisions I sometimes make are difficult, but deciding to fly across the Atlantic alone is a whole new level of grit! But she did, and it was tenacity that carried her across that vast ocean. Deciding is always our starting place. (Struggling with a decision in your grit and grace life? This episode will prepare you to act: How to Make Decisions (Even the Hard Ones) – 076!)

“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”Marie Curie was a chemist, physicist, and the first woman to receive a Nobel Prize. The Nobel was first awarded to Curie for her discovery of polonium, a static-eliminating chemical that is used today in our hairbrushes, and radium, which we know to be an element used in the treatment of cancer. Not only did she earn one Nobel Prize, but this lady earned two! Born in 1867 as a woman in a man’s world, self-confidence and belief in oneself was an absolute must! Just as it is today.

“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.”I am not a fan of opera, but I am a fan of Beverly Sills. An American opera singer, she made her operatic debut in 1947 at the Philadelphia Civic Opera, but it was not until 1955 that she finally achieved her dream of singing with the New York City Opera. This appearance propelled her career as one of the foremost sopranos of her time. She was the epitome of “try until you succeed.” A reminder that no matter what, we have to try.

“If my critics saw me walking over the Thames, they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.” One of my all-time favorite ladies of history, Margaret Thatcher, served as prime minister of the United Kingdom from 1979 to 1990. She battled in nearly everything she did, and was ridiculed for the changes she wanted to make to the policies of her country. Policies that proved successful, too: reversing the high unemployment and economic struggles that plagued the everyday worker. Another quote of hers I think worth adding is this: “You have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” A true inspiration to fight your battles even in the midst of the nay-sayers.

“Be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”My all-time favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz, starred the young Judy Garland. Star of the stage and screen, she became a movie icon. But she was also an actress who was used by an industry, which caused her great heartache. She had challenges in relationships and life but learned that it was imperative that she be the best of exactly who she was, no one else. An understanding that each of us should daily declare, “I will be the first-rate version of me.”

“What you do makes a difference. And you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” Not only did she protect the chimpanzees, but Jane Goodall also led the way in helping us understand the beauty of protecting the world God gave us. Her study began with the Kasakela chimpanzee community in Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania in 1960. But this lady not only conducted scientific research, she also gave the chimpanzees names, like Fifi and David Graybeard! What’s not to love about that! Ours may not be the path to live with chimpanzees (although it could be fun), but we can make a difference in this world. It is just upon us to decide what exactly that difference will be.

There are so many more women of history who can inspire and make us believe in ourselves. Listen to their words, read their stories, then start your adventure. It may be in the lives of your family, your community, your country, or your culture. Whether it’s in the small town you live or crossing the equator to adventures in lands you have never seen, find your purpose, then make your mark. Be encouraged: ladies before us have done it. We can, too!

—

You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: This Is Why Women’s History Month Still Matters – 080!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintHow do you forgive the unforgiveable?

This week’s guest, Tracy Brandt, did just that after losing her parents to murder-suicide: Her father took her mother’s life, just before taking his own.

Tracy joins Darlene Brock and Julie Bender to share details of the dysfunctional and tumultuous upbringing that preceded the loss of her parents. They fought often, held bitterness toward each other and seemed incapable of communicating in a healthy way.

After learning the news, Tracy had no intention of forgiving her father. About a year later, however, she felt God place it on her heart. In this episode, she recalls the emotional back and forth she had with the Creator of the universe, how He changed her understanding of why she should forgive, and what the healing process looked like on the road to forgiveness.

Tracy Brandt and her husband, Rod, are the collegiate directors of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes at Western Carolina University in North Carolina. They have a son named Boaz. Learn more about Tracy and the work she does here.

Quote of the episode:

“Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a decision. It’s not a feeling.” —Tracy Brandt

ResourcesRead the book Tracy recommended:
—Forgiveness: The Freedom to Let Go by June Hunt

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint‘Struggling to Lead My Kids’ asked:Hi, Dr. Zoe,

I have a 5- and 3-year-old and I already see how my kids run me over in a lot of ways. They listen to their dad and respect him much more than me. When it’s just me at home with them, they speak to me and treat me much differently (worse) than when he’s around. I wonder if it’s partly because they’re more comfortable with me since I’m always home with them.

But I’m also sure a lot of this is because I struggle with saying no and sticking to boundaries. I’ve always been more of a follower than a leader, and I see my struggle to be a strong leader of my kids. But I know I need to grow in this way because I feel weary of what feels like constant resistance from them. It’s exhausting.

I enjoy them and love caring for them, but discipline is hard for me. I know it will only get harder as they grow, so I need to learn new tools now. Do you have any tips or resources for me to learn to parent with more authority?

Thank you!

Dr. Zoe answered:Motherhood is the very best training grounds for leadership, so you are exactly where you are supposed to be. It’s wonderful that you are aware of your struggle with holding boundaries, leading and saying no. I’m always way more concerned about people who are unaware of their deficits.

You are right. Now is the time to put the pedal to the metal and work on these issues. Kids are uncanny in their ability to quickly learn how to triangulate and divide and conquer their parents. It’s just their nature. They’re simply trying to figure out how to get what they want within the system of their family.

Your job as a mom is to give them what they need, not necessarily what they want—although it’s lovely for all when they coincide.

Start with searching yourself and asking the following questions:
1. What is your biggest fear when you think of saying no to your children? Are you scared they won’t like you?

1. What does it mean to you to be loved and respected by your children, verses liked?

2. What was your experience with leaders in your childhood?

Without intention, we will usually either replicate what we experienced in childhood or swing the pendulum in the total opposite direction (to the other side of dysfunction) in an attempt to not do what was done with us. Both are unhealthy.

There are very clear and identifiable reasons why you struggle to uphold healthy boundaries with your children. And I would guess that your boundary issues are probably not isolated to your kiddos. You deserve to know yourself well. When you do, your children will reap the benefits.

When it comes to your boundaries, I would suggest starting a personal quest for learning how to implement them in your life. Great books for you to read are:

—Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst
—Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab

The very good news is that boundaries can be lovingly erected where there once were none. It’s never too late to set boundaries. Your entire family will benefit. You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and self grace.

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintIt all hit within 48 hours of one another.

First, my husband left for a week of work travel overseas while our two daughters were sick, hacking and sneezing in between fever-induced sleep. Then, I received word that my dad was admitted to a South American hospital with COVID. Finally, the blow: a pelvic exam that warranted surprise ultrasounds. I was two steps out of my doctor’s office when my discouragement rose with a resurgence.

In the days leading up to the tests, my mind became a breeding ground for every possible scenario (Side note: attempting to self-diagnose with “Dr. Google” is never a good idea). My emotions teetered on a pendulum between trust and terror.

God is in all of this… I’m going to be okay.

This is it… I’ve got cancer. What if it’s terminal?

One Diagnosis After AnotherAs I tried to relax my body and drift off to sleep the night before my tests, the fears snuck in as unwanted companions to all my unanswered questions. I could already hear the sorrowful tone in my doctor’s voice as she delivered the prognosis. Worst-case scenarios played out in my mind while I broke into a cold sweat and my gut churned in defiance.

I know this must all sound negative and even overreactive. But fears around health have eaten away at me for the last twelve months, leaving a metallic taste in my mouth. My younger years were marked by physical, emotional, and mental challenges that carried over into adulthood. My struggle with health ultimately inspired me to study, learn, and become certified as a wellness coach. I wanted to walk alongside other women navigating similar struggles.

But after battling COVID, mono, pneumonia, shingles, and then a surprise autoimmune diagnosis for my youngest daughter this last year, I felt like I’d been beaten in a cosmic arm-wrestling match. By the time my doctor felt masses in my pelvis, I was numb and dulled by the ache of sickness and exhaustion.

How Should We Respond to a Health Scare?Health scares have a way of waking a person up, though. I know it may be cliche to say, but like an electric surge of energy, the scare jolts one to the realities of her life. It allows her to examine her days introspectively before God. She asks herself, “How should I live and love right now, at this moment, because I may only have a limited amount of time left here?”

Isn’t this the question we should all ask ourselves, no matter what our health status looks like? The reality is we’re all dying. It may be depressing to acknowledge or think about, but we need a wake-up call every once in a while.

The morning of my tests, I stumbled into the living room and poured myself a coffee. I paused and watched as my dog shifted onto his back in a lazy daze, his paws shooting upward toward the ceiling. I lit a candle and stared as the light danced across the room. I noted the warmth and nutty aroma of the coffee as it slid down my throat. These tiny shreds of goodness were ones I often glossed over and ignored.

The fog of discouragement I’d been fighting against the last year was gradually lifting, and I could feel the changes taking place within. During those days of waiting for the results, it was as though the clogged valve of stagnation, fear, and exhaustion began to release and flow out of me. I became more attentive to the needs of others around me. I spoke with more patience to my daughters. I laughed and played without restraint. I spotted what was around me and noticed all the blessings I often took for granted. There was an overwhelming desire to make amends and let go of the emotional weight of any unforgiveness I still harbored.

This newfound lens of capturing the small glories of my life reminded me of the lyrics in a Tim McGraw song, “Live Like You Were Dying”:

“Asked when it sank in, that this might really be the real end […] And he says,
‘I went sky divin’I went Rocky Mountain climbin’
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin’.”

Though I didn’t go skydiving or ride a bull, it was as though God was saying, “I am waking you up to the goodness in front of you, Rachel.”

A New Appreciation for What’s In Front of MeNo matter what the results of the tests were nor how many more times my body capsized under sickness, He was waking me up to the gifts I hadn’t been able to see because I hadn’t wanted to before. I had zeroed in on what could be taken from me rather than what was being handed to me.

Psalm 116:7 (NLT) says, “Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.” Our souls can be at rest, even amid trials, when we name the gifts God relishes upon us with abundance. I know all of this can be exceedingly hard to conjure up when we’re facing an unknown diagnosis or are exhausted by the weight of life circumstances.

Yet, our faith asks us to hold unrelenting trust in the only One who knows the outcome. So stay present and alert each day, dear Sister. We’re all here for a finite time, so why not live as though we’re dying?

—
Struggling to find your faith amid a season of health scares? Here’s why you can hold onto hope:

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Twitter80FacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint82SHARESIt’s that time again. You know, the time of year where the kids go back to school after you have just finished recovering from some much-needed time off. But parents, step parents, foster parents and even grandparents know it won’t be long before their next break. Before we know it, winter will bid us a chilly goodbye and spring will make her debut. With that of course, comes the task of deciding what to do for spring break. While I’m almost always excited for a stay-cation, sometimes everyone—parents and kids—need a getaway. But it isn’t always easy finding options that work for everyone in the family. So here are six spring break vacations that are perfect for you and the kids.

Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TennesseeA nice road trip away from most southern states, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg are like a “two for one” vacation deal. The two cities, both of which are mountain towns, lie only minutes away from each other and have a plethora of things to do for the entire family.

Children of all ages will be easily wooed by Dollywood, Dolly Parton’s famous amusement park. The Island, a playful entertainment complex known for its retail shops, world class fudge, arcade, and rides has something for every member of the family. There’s even a hotel on site to make the stay more convenient. History buffs will appreciate the interactive Titanic and Alcatraz Museums, while adults looking for a nice, romantic date can head on over to Gatlinburg’s Space Needle, take a scenic helicopter ride, visit the spa, or even drive through Cades Cove for an unforgettable view of the Smoky Mountains. On top of all this, nature lovers can hike the Smoky Mountains or golf, while those who love to laugh can head on over to one of the cities’ comedy barns. Cabins are readily available and there’s even a biblical dinner show, at the Biblical Times Dinner Theater, to bring the entire family together. If spring break ends before you get your fill of these quaint little cities, then consider returning to Tennessee for summer vacation and check out this page for the ultimate list of things to do. You won’t be disappointed: I for one can attest to the fun my family and I have had there year after year.

San Diego, CaliforniaKnown and loved for its amazing weather and proximity to the ocean, San Diego is a prime location for spring break fun. Home to the San Diego Zoo, the Fleet Science Center, Legoland, San Diego Air & Space Museum, Knott’s Berry Farm, and La Jolla Kayak, there are plenty of options to keep the kids busy. But don’t fret. The city has just as many options for adults. In addition to sunrise or sunset walks along the beach, adults can experience some Italian vibes with the Gondola Company, or immerse themselves in Victorian architecture at the Gaslamp Quarter. Exploring Balboa Park and Coronado Island, along with enjoying one of San Diego’s Harbor Cruises, are said to be once in a lifetime experiences.

Before we know it, winter will bid us a chilly goodbye and spring will make her debut. So here are 6 spring break vacations that are perfect for you and the kids.

Washington D.C.I know, I know. Washington D.C. is probably not the kind of place that comes to mind when you think of spring break, but I assure you it’s worth considering.

Perhaps one of the best things about visiting D.C. in the spring is the amount of free activities. With the gorgeous National Cherry Blossom Festival in full bloom, a simple stroll through Tidal Basin becomes magical. The Anacostia River Festival and jitney ride from D.C.’s Wharf to Hains Point in East Potomac Park are free as well. Young adults will enjoy the Wharf’s Recreation Pier, while adults and history lovers will enjoy the National Mall and Monuments by Moonlight tour. The International Spy Museum is another popular attraction. Street performances, the D.C. Ducks tour, Filmfest D.C., waterfront restaurants, and Passport D.C. make Washington D.C. a cultural trip that provides a different but exciting spring break experience.

Colorado Springs, ColoradoFor those living in warm weather climates, Colorado Springs might just be the break you need. The weather is different and the city is full of fun things to do for the entire family.

In addition to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, kids will enjoy CityRock camps, the Space Foundation Discovery Center, Penny Arcade, and the Dinosaur Resource Center. Couples looking for a nice night out on the town can expect a lovely time at Mona Lisa Fondue Restaurant, or take a short drive to a nearby town to experience some of Colorado’s best hot springs. Nature lovers will love exploring The Garden of the Gods and Red Rock Canyon, while adventure-loving teenagers will love the many zip-line courses that the city offers.

Williamstown, KentuckyIf you haven’t experienced it already, The Ark Encounter is a wonderful place to take the family. Not only does the 510-foot-long and 85-foot-wide ark offer three different art exhibits, but it has its own zoo and zip-line obstacle course as well. Interactive, artistic, and based on truth, it’s a great opportunity for the entire family to learn historical facts while having fun. Larger groups can even spend the night in the ark while smaller groups can head on over to the Creation Museum for more fun, including a planetarium. Perfectly situated in Williamstown, Kentucky, the Ark Encounter is just a road trip away from Lexington, Kentucky, and Cincinnati, Ohio, which could add to even more spring break fun like the Great Wolf Lodge or the Newport Aquarium. So take a moment to refresh your own faith and then head on over to Lexington for some relaxing spa treatments and horseback riding, or to Cincinnati for the Ohio Caverns and some Lazer Kraze fun, which the kids will enjoy too.

San Antonio, TexasLast, but certainly not least, is San Antonio, Texas. This loving and creative city is bursting with tons of fun. A nice treat for you and the kids is the Stars and Stripes Drive-In Theatre, which has a playground for the kids as well. Seaworld San Antonio, Aquatica, Splashtown, and Six Flags Fiesta are some other family-friendly options. Who says you can’t embrace your inner child and hop on a roller coaster or two? But if you’re lucky enough to sneak away without the kids, San Antonio is a lovely place to relax, rejuvenate, and unwind. Out of Keller Williams’ twelve unique date ideas, which you can review here, relaxing in the Cuban inspired Ocho Lounge and listening to some smooth jazz at Jazz TX are my favorites.

Spring break will be here before we know it, so why not try something new this year? Why not make spring break a break for everyone in the family? You need a break too. So do yourself a favor. Even if none of the places I’ve listed fit your fancy, determine to find a vacation spot that’s perfect for you, your spouse, and your kids. Your family will thank you. Besides, healthy and well-rested parents raise healthy, well-balanced children—and that, dear friends, is a wonderful world.

—Don’t miss these popular articles:Are Meal Kits Worth It? A Review of The Most Popular Boxes
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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace? – 072

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI was glamping in an elegant Airstream in a land of sunny skies, craggy mountain ranges, and saguaro cacti—Tucson, Arizona. The trailer next to mine was a cool, vintage model and stenciled on the back was this thought:

“Today, I will be happier than a bird with a French fry.”

Which begs the question: Can we choose to be happy?

Based on my experience, I believe happiness is a choice. And if a choice, then perhaps the old adage, “Practice makes perfect,” comes into play:

“Note to self: Anything you have ever wanted to be good at, you’ve had to practice. If you want happiness, practice being happy. Keep these handy tools in your backpack to help along the way: gratitude, observation, presence, and perspective. Maybe also a candy bar.” – Nanea Hoffman

9 Happiness ChoicesDuring my husband’s cancer years and the consequent widow years—when the blues and anxiety and self-pity showed their ugly faces from time to time—I made choices to vanquish them. Some of these choices will be easy, and others will take grit and grace. But they have the power to create happiness and joy:

1. Dance, hike, swim, throw punches at a bag — in a word: move
Even while he battled cancer, my husband determined to be as active as possible. If you had caught us hiking to the tops of tall mountains, or slushing through powder in snowshoes, or stroking our oars in synch across an icy alpine lake, you would have noticed our ear-to-ear grins.

2. Get outdoors
The simple pleasure of being outdoors went a long way in creating joy for us. And when you throw in some movement with the outdoor-ness … well, then you have double happiness.

3. Listen to your favorite tunes
Music has the power to affect our moods, which is why calming music flows out of elevator speakers, and upbeat tunes are played in stores, and inspiring/fighting music is blasted at sporting events. Put on soaring music and see if your spirit doesn’t soar.

4. Keep a journal
There’s science to back up the benefit of capturing our fears and frustrations and hopes on paper. Even if you don’t enjoy writing, commit to journaling for two weeks. And if you find it helpful, continue writing. (I’m pretty sure I saved my husband thousands of dollars in psychotherapy costs by keeping a journal.)

5. Practice gratitude
Inspired by Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts, I’m on my third journal of numbering 1,000 things I’m grateful for. It’s easy to list gratitude when life is going swimmingly. But consider looking for things to be grateful for in the hard places. And see if it doesn’t make a difference on the happiness meter.

6. Monitor your mindset
This relates to #5 because I think intentional gratitude is a mindset choice. But setting our thoughts in an optimistic direction takes in so much more. It prefers courage over fear. And hope over despair. It embraces peace, as we intentionally boot out anxiety and worry. It chooses good humor instead of taking ourselves too seriously. I suspect that all these things feed each other. Gratitude brings contentment that fuels a positive way of seeing things, which helps us battle anxiety, which makes room to usher in joy and happiness.

7. Get creative
I can’t describe how happy it makes me feel to knit soft, fuzzy things for all the beautiful women in my life—daughters, sisters, nieces, and friends. Whether it’s watercolor painting, photography, cooking, designing landscapes, or repurposing old junk into cool new stuff, it matters that we get out our imaginative side and create some happiness.

8. Hang out with incredible people
How do you feel after hanging out with people who whine, who can’t see the positive in anything, who gossip viciously, or make fun of others? And then how do you feel after being around people who challenge and inspire and hold you accountable in love? Does the crowd we hang out with affect our happiness? I’m thinking yes.

9. Focus outward
Flying to Tucson for those two weeks of dog-sitting and glamping in an Airstream was going to be a twelve-hour travel day. From Oregon to Seattle to Los Angeles to Tucson. So to make it more pleasant, I set an intention to look for opportunity to show random kindness along the way. As a result, glee overflowed on what would have otherwise been a long and tiresome day.

When my focus is on me, I feel my broken heart intensely. I live every day in the changes I didn’t want to happen. But until I begin focusing outward on the hurts and needs of other people, and until I begin doing something to help alleviate their load in whatever small ways I can, the pain of my loss and sorrow will fill the room and steal all the breathable air.

Is there a Path from Heartbreak to Happiness?Ironically, the barren wilderness years—those years that included a live-in mom sinking into Alzheimer’s, job loss and financial setbacks, cancer, and eventually widowhood—taught me gratitude in the middle of the losses. Those years shaped me to look more like compassion and empathy. They provided opportunity to grow and learn and be stretched, which was rather painful at the time.

So, how does heartbreak lead to happiness?

If, in our losses, we allow God to shape us into new purpose and if we practice that purposefulness to help make a difference for others going through hardships, then happiness shows up and adds beauty and color to our dry, black-and-white space.

This thought from the ancient book of psalms:

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalm 30:11).

What if—instead of pursuing happiness—we chased down gratitude?

What if we lived intentionally in every moment that we’ve been given with our people? What if we noticed our surroundings and the simple pleasures that make up a sweet life?

And what if we focused outwardly to see where we could lighten the load for others, maybe raising their happiness meters a bit?

Would that cause joy to spill over into our lives? From experience, absolutely.

—
With recent world news, it can seem like happiness it out of reach. Here’s how to focus on the good: Finding Happiness With A Scary Future Ahead – 190

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Twitter34FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint34SHARESRecently I went to the local running store and let them charge a ridiculous amount for a new pair of running shoes. I used to run. Just like I used to do lots of things, but lately I have been slow to get off the couch.

I quickly found my brand and style of choice.

The owner spoke up from the back, asking me about my selection. Runners are very particular about their shoes. I tell her I need something to absorb a lot of the impact.

I tell her that I overpronate just a little.

I tell her that my knees creak, but I never mention the hole in my head.

I tell her I’m a distance runner, not a speed runner. Even though, the furthest I’ve run in a year is two miles.

They fit. Of course they do. I’ve bought this same brand, same size at least a half dozen times. The price tag should make me hesitate, but I gave her all my money without flinching.

Buying these shoes feels a little ridiculous: I barely run; I probably don’t need these fancy shoes. I’m too slow for the shoes of a serious runner.

I Haven’t Quit; I’ve Been HopefulBut these shoes, or at least similar ones have carried me hundreds of miles. Across finish lines.

My heels have bled. More than one toenail has fallen off. I’ve pushed myself when I wanted to quit.

I’ve done really hard things in shoes like these.

These are the shoes of a runner. Albeit a slow one.

And I am hopeful still. Maybe I can’t run far, but I am still in the race.

They are beautiful shoes. I wore them yesterday to the store and got two compliments.

But even better I laced them up, grabbed my headphones and hit an actual trail.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve restarted the couch to 10K app.

In the last year alone, four times. I have not quit for lack of motivation or discipline.

Some might say that is four times I have not met my goal. Some might say it is four times that I have given up. I say it is four times I’ve been hopeful.

The Pace Doesn’t Matter When You’re Starting OverToday I am slow. But I still run.

And then I walk. And then I run again.

These shoes are worth every overpriced penny that I paid. Because they remind me what I can do.

Because they remind me that it doesn’t matter if I run or walk as long as I keep going.

Because they remind that I can always begin again.

—
When you’re not sure how to go on (or start over!) here’s some hope to get you on your way: Now Is The Time For A Reset – 152

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWhat do you do when one of your best college friends moves to the beach? You round up the rest of the gang and head down to see her. This is just what we’ve done for the last several years, and it’s come in the nick of time for some whose lives are wearing thin.

While we’re often in touch with updates and prayers, getting together yearly at Fernandina Beach as we’ve just done last week is the highlight.

We spend evenings outside after supper, catching up as the sun goes down. One night, there was such an astonishing sunset, no one thought to snap a photo. We gaped instead. Later, when the moon rose and the clouds parted and the light that came down was an enormous spotlight on water, we grabbed phones to snap it.

It was such a welcome surprise, this moonlight that played peek-a-boo with the clouds, sometimes covered up, sometimes breaking out as we sat and watched.

It felt like a command performance, as if the moon’s display was meant to be our own private, wide-screen entertainment, and we marveled over it from our balcony seats as we talked, gasping and exclaiming.

Sometimes silence broke into the conversation as the only appropriate applause.

We shared our crazy college years together, but the thing that’s brought us closest hasn’t been the zany antics of 20-year-olds— one of us helped in the caper that got a VW Beetle in our college’s entrance hall—or our child rearing fails or the inevitable empty nest feathering since. While there’s been plenty of common ground to talk about, it’s our mutual faith in Jesus that’s held us together.

Faith and FriendsSo on the beach that afternoon, I was curious: “What about your life with your parents has pointed you to faith?” The stories we told were heartfelt and tender, and when Jan’s poured out, she had everyone riveted. While we knew some of the details, none of us knew them like this.

There was little to do afterwards except feel. Feet dug in the sand as we tried to make sense of it. Some o

f us were teary. “I’m
stunned,” somebody said. “I had no idea.” After more than 45 years of friendship, we are still getting to know each other.

We’d wrapped it up afterwards and gone to dinner and were watching the moon’s tango over the waves later when Kathleen remembered, “Eve, you haven’t shared.”

The sunset and moon’s dance had already marked the day for me as magical, and Jan’s story must’ve been the grease that got my time machine turning. Whatever the reason, I was feeling the feels I’m normally oblivious to.

Recalling Painful Childhood MemoriesWhen I was 4, I cut bangs an inch short on my forehead. After they grew out six months later, I did it again. My mother was mad and said I’d be spanked if I cut my hair one more time.

In those days, I wore my hair in a high ponytail with a rubber band. There were no covered bands then as there are now, so
when Mama took the ponytail down to wash my hair, the rubber band always tangled. She’d yank while I hollered.

One day I got the idea that if I cut the rubber band, it wouldn’t hurt when she pulled it. So I used scissors too big for me to manage. The band fell to the floor and a lot of hair landed on the table. My mother found it and was incensed by what looked like disobedience.

I got a spanking, of course, and while some of the details are hazy, one thing is crystal: I deserved it. I was certain. Despite the
fact that when Mama found the rubber band on the floor beneath the table later and said how sorry she felt and how she knew I was simply trying to get rid of the rubber band, not cut my hair, the damage was already done.

Through my little girl eyes, it seemed very clear: I had cut my hair after Mama said not to. I had done what she forbade, and as far as I was concerned, a spanking was suitable. That much I understood. What I didn’t understand then was why she was so
upset and sorry about it.

Guilty was stamped on my butchered, banged forehead. Guilty was my verdict. I was unsure ever after if I knew what truth was and what telling it meant, but I was sure I’d messed up badly, even when I didn’t mean to.

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know the terms, but what feels true to me now as I look back at me then is that I disconnected
from my own good opinion. And since I was unreliable, I began to depend on other people’s opinions.

As I told this little story, the wind kicked up on the balcony where we were sitting. I noticed my arms shaking, my whole body
trembling, as if I were cold, but I wasn’t. A warm breeze was blowing. Something inside me seemed to be opening.

When I was 8, I overheard a fight between my parents one Saturday afternoon. My brothers were gone–one to college and
the other to golf–so I experienced the fight by myself for what felt like hours. Behind closed doors, I heard dishes breaking, dull
thuds, Mama moaning. She tried to hide her black eye and bruises as she scrambled my eggs the next morning.

That evening after a strained supper, Daddy called me to his recliner. He was sitting in front of the TV, where he’d be glued until bedtime. He pulled me onto his lap, a place I never felt comfortable, and spoke seriously in his sonorous voice, “Eve, I’m
sorry you had to hear what happened yesterday. I want you to know, I don’t always like your mother, but I’ll always love her.”

Even then, something clanged in my 8-year-old ears. “I’ll always love her” rang in my head as I brushed my teeth and said my
prayers and hoped Daddy would go away and never come home again. Daddy’s voice went with me as I rode my bike to school
next morning, said the Pledge of Allegiance at my desk, opened my book satchel, pulled out my spelling list.

My thinking went ’round and ’round and something like this: Mama was beat up because she wasn’t liked, so I must work very
hard to be good so I’ll be liked, so I’ll be safe. If I’m very, very good, maybe I can keep Mama safe, too. If Mama was beat up even though she was loved, maybe I should stay away from love.

Maybe I should look for something else.

What is love? I had no idea.

But one thing was obvious–Daddy’s love was dangerous. I avoided him as much as possible. For the rest of my life until just
before he died, I survived by taking a wide berth and never rocking the boat.

My parents took me to church when I was little, and I’m grateful. But it was their wounding me that drove me to Jesus to find my safe place.

Confession, Healing and Trusting MyselfMy friends were quiet as I finished. Susie spoke first: “This makes sense of you for me.” Susie’s prayed me through some hard days over the past twelve years; she knows where all my bones are hidden. Mary Anna breathed, “Oh, honey,” as only she can do it.

My college roomie was speechless.

It was a holy moment to go into these memories with life-long friends and to feel their companionship and care for me there. I
felt stronger and braver. With their support, I finally understood what happened with adult eyes and ears.

I said what seemed obvious: “Well, I guess now I know why I try too hard, why I wake up feeling guilty, why I’m such a people-pleaser, why being right matters too much, why I’ve settled for being needed.”

That night as I drifted off to sleep, I told my little girl self what Mama should’ve said after the scissors incident: “You made a
mistake. You’re off the hook. I’m wiping guilty right off your face.”

And from my father after the fight: “I did an awful, unloving thing when I hit your mother. I’m going to ask for help so I never do it again. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

While remembering the past had always brought a fresh stab of pain, that night I felt my friends’ kind fellowship instead. I was
astonished that I found freedom and healing after so many years.

The week before this trip, I’d had a hard talk with another friend. Their accusation had stuck with me, since I often depend on their opinion. But after this trip to the past with my BFFs, I trusted myself. “Nope. I don’t agree,” I said to myself. And I believed me.

“…confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective,” James 5:16.

—
If you’re struggling with pain from your past, you’re not alone. Author and speaker Elizabeth Bristol shares how she found healing in this podcast episode: How Do I Begin To Heal From Past Emotional Hurt? With Elizabeth Bristol -186

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Twitter24FacebookLinkedIn6PinterestPrint30SHARESThe idea of a capsule wardrobe sounds intriguing. Maybe it’s because it brings minimalism into view, the other end of the spectrum to my occasional spendthrift ways.

But what is a capsule wardrobe?

Simply put, it’s a mini wardrobe that consists of around 30 staple items that can be mixed and matched to create quick, put-together looks.

Some may think the idea of having a capsule wardrobe sounds a little boring or unrelatable—maybe even something in which only hipsters partake? But truthfully, I believe that many people do not fully realize the positive reasons for having a capsule wardrobe.

Those who have been intentional about creating a capsule wardrobe for themselves would likely say it feels freeing from living in excess and satisfying to re-invent a few key pieces over and over again. My mission is to shed some light on what a capsule wardrobe really is, and, in terms of fashion, why it has become a “thing.”

The term “capsule wardrobe” has actually existed for over 30 years now, having originated in the 1970s from fashion designer, Susie Faux. Susie originally concocted the idea of a capsule wardrobe for busy, on-the-go working women. These women, I imagine, did not (and still do not!) have the time to sort through endless outfit options and instead desired to quickly choose from a few quality staples they could wear and style many times over. However, a capsule wardrobe can work for anyone.

4 Steps to Create Your Own Capsule Wardrobe:1. Donate (or get rid of, if necessary) every piece of clothing you no longer wear.According to Susie herself, a capsule wardrobe is comprised of, at most, 30 versatile pieces. Even with 30 pieces, there is still endless room for creativity—you don’t have to own a full closet of clothes in order to have great style. Here are some suggestions for capsule wardrobe pieces (you can pick and choose your pieces depending on your lifestyle):

• Work wear: chinos or other classic pants, a blouse, a cardigan
• Shoes: a pair of heels/wedges, flats, boots, and sandals (running shoes don’t count)
• Casual wear: a sweater, light wash jeans, dark wash jeans, or one pair of medium wash jeans to dress up or down (I suggest investing in a pair of quality, long-lasting premium denim), a long sleeve top for layering, a plaid button-down
• Evening/dressy wear: a dress, a skirt, a coat, and/or a staple jacket
• Accessories: a scarf, a hat, a necklace, earrings, a belt, a handbag, and/or a headband

2. Keep it neutral!
The pieces listed above are all meant to work together, no matter the combination. Here are some neutral color suggestions for a capsule wardrobe (you don’t have to have each color in your closet, rather, pick and choose according to what you typically already wear and love): Cream, beige, white, navy blue, black, light/dark grey, olive green, brown, and gold and silver accessories.

3. Invest in quality clothes that match your budget.By doing this, you will save money in the long run! One of the perks of having a capsule wardrobe is that you should feel confident in the wearability and versatility of your wardrobe, thus no longer feeling pressure to buy what’s new and on-trend.

Your creative thought process shifts from, “What new styles and colors do I need to buy this season?” to “I wore this cute look last time, how can I re-create it to be stylish and appropriate for this occasion?” And just because your capsule wardrobe consists of more classic pieces doesn’t mean you can no longer buy new trends that you fall in love with. This leads us to number four.

4. Update your capsule wardrobe once in a while.A capsule wardrobe encourages buying one or two small trendy pieces (such as jewelry and other accessories) every several months or until you start noticing that you are out-wearing some of your current pieces. This is a trial and error process!

If you feel compelled to start your own capsule wardrobe, give yourself time and patience to figure out which staple pieces work for you according to your lifestyle. It can be tough but rewarding to dwindle your closet down to absolute necessities. Yet another perk of having a capsule wardrobe is that you won’t have to spend extra time feeling overwhelmed by so many options, with so little time. You can throw on an outfit and know that you’re always in style and look put together.

—
Investing in a capsule wardrobe can call for some serious spending! Here’s how to do be smart with your money: Know Yourself, Know Your Money With Rachel Cruze – 153

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint“Are you approaching people the way God would want you to?”

It’s an important question posed by Darlene Brock and Julie Bender in this podcast episode. This week, they continue the conversation from the previous episode, where Grit and Grace Life writer Allison McCormick, a biracial woman married to a Black man, shared her perspective on race relations in the world today.

In an honest conversation from women of faith, Darlene and Julie discuss what we can do to fight racism, including taking on some tougher assignments: setting aside your defenses and learning to listen to others. They also share our biblical responsibility to address bias, what God says about race and humanity, and how we can celebrate racial diversity each day.

Listen to the last episode here: Racism—How Can We Help Fight It? With Allison McCormick – 206

Quote of the episode:

“Unity has never meant uniformity.” —Martin Luther King, Jr

ResourcesRead:—3 Ways to Correctly Ask Someone About Their Ethnicity

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@SmartLivingwithGritandGrace
@ThisGritandGraceLife
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Twitter4FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint4SHARES‘Want a Promotion’ Asked:One of my goals for this year is to get a promotion. What’s the number one thing I can do to get noticed at work and prove to my boss he should promote me? I hate talking about myself but I know I’m good at my job and I’m valued in the workplace.

Dr. Zoe Answered:I love working with women to help them get promotions! What better time than the new year to go after that promotion! There isn’t just one main thing that can lead to the promotion of your dreams. It’s a combination of things. So, I will give you the top ones:

The most important thing to understand is that your value at work often has very little to do with your salary or your promotions. I have seen time and again the scenario where the employee doing most of the work in a company is getting paid the least. Scoring a promotion is about a combination of providing value and possessing self-confidence.

Creating value without confidence does very little except make your boss happy while you feel angry and resentful. Possessing self-confidence without value may get you an edge in the short run, but it will come back to bite you.

So, how do you create both? It seems to me that you know that you do great work and you feel valued in the workplace—so, good job there! It’s the confidence factor that you need to work on. It’s time to fall in love with promoting yourself—or at least make friends with it.

Now is not the time to be humble. If you’re expecting someone else to step up and promote you, good luck! You may grow old before that happens.

So, yes, you have to toot your own horn. This is often harder for women than it is for men. We have been taught that it isn’t lady-like to brag, boast, or point out our value over others. The good news is that it can be done with a hefty serving of grace and you will get your promotion. Here are the top things to consider when positioning yourself for a promotion:

1. Go above and beyond. Doing your job well makes you a great employee, but if you really want to get noticed, find out about the tasks of your desired role and start taking initiative towards that role in any way that fits within the model of your company.

Then it’s important that you point out what you are doing to your boss. The best way is to ask for feedback about your tasks. Be willing to take any constructive criticism and go back and let your boss know what steps you took to improve.

Once you feel confident that your boss is aware of your great performance and could visualize you in a higher role, it’s time to do the asking. Yes, if you want a promotion the best way to get it in a timely manner is to ask for it. An excellent book to read as you walk through this process is Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang. Reading this was a game changer for me in my professional life.

2. Know your market value. First, it’s important to make sure you know exactly what the going, competitive rate is for your desired position across other companies. Many people manage to land a “promotion” but not much of a salary increase because they were focusing on the title only. Take your time and do the research. When you go to your boss, this knowledge will help you provide a compelling argument that he/she will have a very difficult time saying “no” to. Get your numbers straight. Ask for a specific percentage or dollar amount when it comes to your promotion and raise.

If you are being paid less than the going rate for what you want your new role to be, easy peasy. This is the foundation of your argument.

If you are already being paid a competitive rate based on your desired title, you have a little more work cut out for you, but it is still doable. You need to be able to discuss what value you have above and beyond your title/position, what you are actually doing and how you should be compensated for that. Most people in a position to be promoted have already started to perform some tasks of the new title. Highlight those tasks you are already doing well.

3. Make a script. This may sound like overkill, but I promise you won’t regret it. Create a script that highlights your value, past and current wins, market value and specific request for promotion and salary. Memorize it. Practice it until it rolls off your tongue. Practice it with a friend. Your script should be free of phrases like “ I think” or “ I feel” or “I hope.” State your phrases with certainty and authority.

4. Watch your body language and tone. Confidence is persuasive. When you speak with authority, people tend to believe you. This is sooo very important because we communicate as much non-verbally as we do through our words. Practice power stances. Look up Amy Cuddy’s “Power Poses” on YouTube.

The steps above have been proven to get my clients the raises and promotions that they want. You’ve got this. It just takes a little grit and grace!
Dr. Zoe

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Practical Ways Women Can Thrive in the Workplace – 052!

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintI live in a constant state of interruption. Two minutes ago, my 18-month-old son ripped my half-written grocery list out of my hand while my daughter screamed because she couldn’t find her shoes. One minute ago, my son pulled my daughter’s full-length mirror off the wall. Good grief, I just needed ten minutes.

As a teacher, I face expected and important interruptions all day long and then I finally sit down at my desk to plan out lessons and grade papers and then I get a phone call from my husband about home management and doctor’s appointments. Good grief, I just needed ten minutes.

Do you ever feel like your life is interrupting your life?

What If Interruptions Are Actually Purposeful?When we live from this mindset, we put tasks in front of people. We control instead of connect. We rush instead of listen. It always leaves us frustrated, disappointed, and angry, and then our people feel hurt and pushed aside. We know there is not enough time in the day or energy to complete all the good work that we plan to get done. Dear friend, mama, and sister, let us consider a mindset shift: What if every interruption that happens in our day becomes an invitation to something that matters more?

As a mom, our kids need us, and as a person, people need us, and isn’t this the point of our lives? We want to love God and love people. So how do we practically live well when our to-do list is a mile high?

1. Become more intentional with your time by reciting your purpose for why you do the things you do. Consider who you want to be in 5 years. Write your long-term goals and your short-term goals out. Invest in something like PowerSheets or a Passion Planner to help you discern your next steps. Once you zoom out on your life, you may see that your daily to-do list contradicts your purpose and your daily interruptions align with your purpose. Is there a discrepancy? If so, redefine what is important and take a step towards living it out.

2. Ask yourself whether the daily to-do list is reasonable.
Star the items on it you know will actually get done, and let the rest go. If you are in the season of young kids, you will only be miserable if you don’t learn how to release the expectation that today is not the day that you will organize your pantry, mop your floors, and get the grocery shopping done. Shorten your list depending on your current load and let there be space for important things to come up. Now you have the time and capacity to take that phone call, look your kids in the eyes, or run to the grocery store for your neighbor.

3. Know the God that gives you worth.What we do matters, but it’s easy to be trapped into the cultural lie that our worth comes from our efficiency and productivity. Remember, our worth comes from the Creator of the Universe who spoke us into being. He gets to tell us who we are. We are part of His story and we are valuable because of what He has done for us.

Ephesians 2:8-10 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

We don’t earn our salvation. Jesus has paid for it by sacrificing His own body on a cross and delivering us from sin and death. Now we get to experience freedom from our broken self. Like Paul says in Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Our priorities shift because we know our God and we care about what He cares about. We care about the faces in front of us, instead of the satisfaction of a clean home. There is freedom now because we are living in God’s will, and we know, even if it feels upside down to what we should do, this is the way to live.

The Outcome of Listening to that InterruptionI ran downstairs to pick up a toy tower that fell over on its side that my daughter couldn’t pick up on her own. Instead of grumbling about the laundry that still needed folding, I accepted the invitation to help my daughter and to teach her to solve her problem. Connection became my priority. My purpose recited through my head as I served her and then I went on my way to the task that needed done.

I knew I was loving God and loving my people well. As I picked up a shirt from the heaping pile of laundry, I thanked God for each of my family members and I prayed for each of them. I felt God’s presence strongly as I gave Him credit.

The “interruptions” were God’s invitation to my actual life and now I was thanking Him for it. All because I made the choice to pay attention to what was right in front of me.

Open your eyes with me, dear sister: with each interruption that arises in your day, what are you being invited into?

—
Daily interruptions can make us feel strapped for time. This podcast episode outlines a better way to take ownership of how you spend your hours: How To Take Back Your Time With Christy Wright – 166

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TwitterFacebookLinkedIn1PinterestPrint1SHAREIt was Valentine’s Day.

We sat on my small, tan microfiber loveseat in my sparsely decorated apartment. The night had been perfect. Dinner at our favorite local restaurant. A bouquet of flowers along with gifts of chocolates and a stuffed animal. My heart swelled in anticipation of how I dreamed the night would end.

A Change in Relationship StatusI knew six months wasn’t very long, but for a girl in her senior year of college in a town where most of my friends had been engaged by now, I felt the clock ticking. At the perfect moment, just when I thought it wouldn’t happen, he would release my hand to retrieve one more gift from his pocket. He would slip from the sofa down on one knee and taking both of my hands in his, stare into my eyes and ask me to be his forever. I could barely contain myself as the clock continued to tick.

Minutes passed and then an hour. It was getting late.

Then it happened.

He let go of my hand and turned to face me. Here it was…the moment I’d been dreaming of since I was a little girl.

“Torrie,” he began. “I’ve been thinking.” Eekkk….it was finally happening. My heart pounded, wanting him to hurry up and for time to stop all in the same moment.

“I like you a lot. Love you. But this is moving fast and I need some space.”

Excuse me…say what?

I was stunned. I hadn’t seen this coming, not even for a moment. Gathering my thoughts, I moved my hands away from him, folding them around myself. “What do you mean? I thought things were fine. I thought we were happy.”

“We are. I mean it’s not you. I just need a little space.” If I hadn’t been utterly crushed, maybe I could have appreciated his vulnerability and honestly. But not then. Not on what was supposed to be a perfect night.

I knew he took the commitment of marriage as seriously as did I. It wasn’t blasé. When he decided to make that promise to someone, he intended it to be a life-long commitment. I should have recognized that. But in that moment, all I saw was red…and not the romantic Valentine’s Day kind. The broken heart, get out of my apartment, why did you wait until the end of the night to spill this on me kind of furious red.

We didn’t break up. Not exactly. We were “on a break.” Now I’m not a fan of Friends, but do have enough knowledge of the show to know the term “on a break” has different meanings for different people. As he walked out the door into the cold winter night, I wasn’t sure which definition applied to us.

Sending Out an S.O.S.I did what every girl does when their heart is shattered into a million pieces. I called my mom. As a mom now, I can’t imagine her own emotions as she tried to help her daughter knowing her hands were tied by both distance and role. She loved me. She could listen. But this wasn’t her battle to fight or her problem to fix.

That wasn’t the only call I made. I called his family, too. I spent hours talking to the woman I thought was going to be my sister-in-law. I asked for wisdom, advice, and the inevitable “you’ve known him longer, why did he do this?” Arguably probably not my best move, but a broken heart rarely thinks clearly. Thankfully, she was older and more mature and was able to lead those conversations with grace.

We didn’t have a plan. How long did he need? He didn’t know, so how could he fill me in? How long should I wait? I didn’t have any answers. And it seemed neither did he. So, I did the only thing I knew (after calling my momma of course). I prayed…and cried…and then prayed some more.

Praying Through the TearsTo be honest, I’m not even sure what I prayed for exactly. I’m sure I prayed for him to come back, to change his mind. Looking back, there were a few things I should have prayed for:

1. Wisdom.

If this wasn’t the right guy, then maybe this was a blessing that would save me from years of heartache.

2. Clarity

He was clearly scared. Maybe there were things I was unaware of that were preventing him from trusting that what God had started between us was in fact His will.

3. Peace

Regardless how this would turn out, I should have prayed for God’s peace for both of us. Ahhh, hindsight really can be 20/20 when we allow ourselves to see things through a different lens.

Playing the Waiting GameThe next month played out much differently than I’d anticipated. I made no effort to call him or stop by after school and work. He, on the other hand, still called every day and we still spent most evenings together, even if it was only to play volleyball on the same recreation league.

Hey, I’d take it!

He never formally announced we were back together, or that our break was over. It just kind of happened. I didn’t press and little by little he decided he wanted our relationship to continue. By June we were engaged (which is a WHOLE other story) and by August we were married, just one week shy of our one-year anniversary.

And they lived happily ever after…kind of.

That was 21 years ago. It hasn’t always been easy. There have been challenges and celebrations, high points and heartbreak. We’ve moved across the country, experienced job changes, miscarriage, disappointments, the birth of our two amazing kids and incredible friendships.

From the moment he stepped out in faith despite his fears and decided to take the leap, Tony never wavered in his commitment to me, our children, or our family. In the end, his “break” was time well spent, if for no other reason, then it gave him the space and time to ensure he was making the right decision.

—
If your boyfriend seems to be dragging his feet, here’s some insight from a relationship coach: Why Hasn’t Your Boyfriend Proposed or Set a Date? With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 140

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintMy first trip to Frankfurt as a flight attendant surprised me, an intrinsically valuable experience that taught me strategies for combatting loneliness both at home and abroad.

I’d worked the flight overnight, finding myself in the German city for the first time. The rest of my crew was busy, leaving me alone for the day. This fine day in Europe, I learned that while loneliness is an epidemic in our modern era, it doesn’t have to be. Here are a few tricks I now regularly use no matter where I am in the world.

5 Tips to Avoid Loneliness1. Talk to people. People are the greatest resource on the planet! I’d already started my “research” on the aircraft crossing the Atlantic. During the flight, when a passenger came back to the galley, I asked if they were from Germany, asked questions about their hometown, favorite foods, favorite things to do, etc. One Lufthansa crew member became a lifelong friend, telling me his favorite local spots, giving me a tour of the German air carrier’s facilities, and meeting me for lunch whenever our schedules aligned in Frankfurt. Learning of nearby historic Romerberg from our conversation, a public square surrounded by medieval buildings and filled with hundreds of years history, I gleaned an itinerary for this day.

Talking to people costs us time but is a worthy skill we can craft at home. It’s so simple it sounds silly. Collecting a few extra details about the life of your barista or grocery store clerk might open the surrounding community. Is there a live music venue they know, a great restaurant, or some other local gem they can share? The best way to find out is ask.

2. Be vulnerable. While acting as inconspicuous as possible to avoid unwanted attention during our travels, we crew also know the value of being open with the right people. I’ve approached many a shop owner or business staff member as a resource when I’ve been lost.

Lost in Brussels on a different trip, I found myself in a sketchy part of town with the sun setting. The recent bombings on the Brussels airport meant their military was on high alert and out in force. Rather than pretending I knew where to go, I approached a soldier standing near his tank. It was scary, approaching the tank, but this was just the man to ask. His directions perfect, I made it back to the hotel before nightfall.

At home, being vulnerable looks different. Maybe the roadmap we need to ask about isn’t a literal one, but a mental, emotional, or spiritual one. Is there a “safe place person” in your life you can ask about confusing decisions, stressors, or other conflicts? Being vulnerable with the right people requires quiet contemplation, observation, and mindfulness of ourselves before we can approach others, but is so valuable when we take that leap.

3. Be brave. It takes a brave person to connect with others cross-culturally. It also takes a brave person to apologize when they’ve done something culturally offensive. Travel is intimidating. We face new foods, new sleep schedules, new time zones, all while navigating new cultural queues and possible faux pas.

In Tokyo, I learned to mimic the cultural norms around me. It took additional bravery to finally ask someone within the culture to explain what I was missing. One friend explained, for example, having my prepaid rail pass in hand at the ticket gates during Tokyo’s rush hour was more than a courtesy—it prevented a traffic jam for the hundreds of scurrying Japanese salarymen queuing behind me amid their clockwork-like commute.

All the bravery, humility, and open-mindedness needed for a great trip translates back home. On the ground in our town, we can identify the people needing apologies from us, the people we can forgive, or who would be great life teachers. Bravery at home forces us to recognize it is more valuable to be humble than to be right. Is there someone we can directly be brave with right now?

4. Be observant. So much is learned through observation, including what action to take next. Take some time to be quiet and just observe. My itinerary morphed as I listened and observed during my Frankfurt adventure. Deep in Sachsenhausen, a 12th century neighborhood full of bakeries, flea markets, and traditional cider houses, I saw a huge line waiting outside one of the cider houses. Deciding it must be worth a try, I found my way in the cacophony of clanking beer steins and live music.

Somewhere in the sea of German, I heard English. At the end of the communal table was a couple, elbows deep in what looked like a roasted chicken in a green sauce with veggies. I asked the waitress for what they were having. When the plate came out, the English-speaking woman commented I’d made the right choice.

“I have to admit, I told her to give me what you were having!”

The conversation launched. I scooted closer at their invitation, enchanted by their travel tales within Germany. They told me about the apple wine, the history of the neighborhood, where they were going next, and where they recommended for my quick trip.

After that encounter, I realized being observant back home looks similar: keeping eyes and ears perked for opportunities. Are there fliers we pass or ignore at the local coffee shop worth reading? Is someone near you in line at the store discussing a new, hip brunch spot? Valuable information is everywhere, whenever we are ready to start looking.

5. Be informed. A simple Google search about a city shares great places to start, but let’s face it, nothing beats good ole’ human conversation. While my day in Germany whet my curiosity, inspiring a virtual walking tour on the internet of the places I’d seen, it also inspired me to contact people who’d visited the city before me.

Later, I even made a blog post for future visitors compiling my own findings. While flight attendants get their trip details mere hours before departure, most people have time to ask around about their destination before leaving. Think of someone who has been where you’re wanting to go. Opening a dialogue about a destination instead of just researching alone is a great way to forge meaningful connections. Physical and metaphorical locations alike.

Back home, being informed can look like joining community groups or direct messaging someone about what is happening in your area. There are so many MeetUp groups, volunteer opportunities, and Facebook pages offering information on “plugging in” to our communities. There are also groups connecting us with people headed toward the same goals, ideas, or hobbies, with destinations as diverse as the individuals involved.

When we take the time to observe, learn and communicate both at home and abroad, we open a whole new world for ourselves. A less lonely one. My first trip to Germany ended back under the twinkling fairy lights of the beer garden back at my hotel, a full day of people, places, and experiences I’d never anticipated. My belly was full of recommended local dishes. My phone was full of new contacts from around the world. My heart was full of an intrinsically valuable experience I’ll never forget.

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If you’re feeling alone in this season of life, you need to listen to this podcast episode: How Do I Connect With Friends When I Feel Alone? With Katie Cress – 165

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintWhen my pastor recently asked our small group what actions we could commit to taking this week to increase practicing faith in an authentic way, I paused.

What came to mind was a series of events from my twenties when life was simple, a bit more melancholic, and I had time for things like spiritual practices and disciplines.

During my mid-twenties as a new(ish) convert, I devoured every book I could get my hands on about spiritual formation, long before I even knew that was what I was reading. I sang psalms and wrote new ones as I strummed an out-of-tune black guitar with nail-bitten and calloused fingers. I read and read and read and met some of the greats like Yancey and Bonhoeffer and Tozer and Tada and Siena and Nouwen and let their words and experiences saturate my own.

A Period of Spiritual Growth and ReflectionAt the time, I rented a cabin on a bayou in Western Michigan that had been in my family for decades. Its interior and exterior was a bit eccentric and colorful. There were those classic characteristics of young living quarters for a single: small kitchen, twin bed, rocking chair facing the window, a plant that was always thirsty. A persnickety cat.

The Berber carpeting was firm on my feet when I needed somewhere stable to land. The fireplace emitted a calm on winter evenings as the sun set and the view of the bayou down a narrow path reflected the setting sun like something straight out of a William Blake painting or poem. I spent hours in silence and solitude (this was before social media). The window that spanned almost the entire back wall was the most beautiful gift I could have been given at that time.

It was an opportunity to look outside and into myself and to learn more about what the Christian faith, and in particular, following Jesus, was all about. Along with worship and reading both books on spiritual formation and scripture, I joined my first small group at a church I felt like I could finally connect (somewhat) with. I learned that I wasn’t alone in my quest and thirst for God, and that there were other people (even if I couldn’t yet trust them) who were on a journey, too. Other women who read passages from Peter and really, truly, deeply wanted to add all of those qualities to their hearts (and preferably before marriage).

I think back on this period of spiritual growth and exploration as one of profound beauty. I had some of my most intense moments with God, crying out in despair and anger, and the most peace, hearing that still small voice in those around me, in the lake breeze, in the resting swans on the water. I had visions like small stones that I found on the beach and put in my pocket.

Dallas Willard says this about spiritual formation:

“Spiritual formation in the tradition of Jesus Christ is the process of transformation of the inmost dimension of the human being, the heart, which is the same as the spirit or will. It is being formed (really, transformed) in such a way that its natural expression comes to be the deeds of Christ done in the power of Christ.”¹

So how, as we grow older and “life happens”—when the dishes need to be done and the babies need to be fed and your husband needs a listening ear and the yard needs to be raked—do we allow time and space for some of those practices that both history and our own small experiences show us to be helpful in, as the early disciples put it, ‘increasing our faith?’

Here are 5 spiritual practices for a closer walk with God:1. Read.
Yes, I said it.

Reading is still cool, people. And helpful for spiritual formation. So, we can put our Audible down, turn off Apple Podcasts and tune into the archaic sound of pages turning. We can read scripture, of course, but also books from other believers about their faith walk can be helpful, too. In my own life, I’ve learned so much from modern giants of the faith. Here is an oldie but goodie from one of my favorite authors, Jennie Allen: Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul.

In this book, Jennie talks about how someone else’s words, particularly Katie’s (the author of Kisses from Katie), inspired her to take bold action and turn to God with a new prayer that ultimately changed her life. Reading books from other pilgrims on the path (or pilgrimesses) paired with reading the Bible can be an incredible combination for spiritual formation.

2. Pray
I spend almost a whole chapter talking about prayer in my upcoming book, Downstairs Church: Finding Hope in the Grit of Addiction and Trauma Recovery. Prayer is an accessible tool for spiritual formation that can be done anywhere. My favorite time to pray: when I’m walking my dog. I love how John Throop describes this in an article in Christianity Today:

“Prayer can be offered in silence and in reflection on God’s Word. We can pray through the singing of psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. As Augustine, bishop of Hippo, said in the fourth century, ‘He who sings prays twice.’ We can use The Book of Common Prayer or other sacred texts available for worship and private prayer. We might want to employ a pattern for prayer. A familiar approach is the ACTS method: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Sanctification.”²

Or as my pastor recently put it: “Good prayer—and a right relationship with God—requires both words and silence.”

3. Get Vulnerable
Some circles might call this repentance or confession. I like to also refer to this pouring forth of ourselves, including hurts, wrongs, and muck as vulnerability. When we can be radically honest, we receive the gift of radical healing.

Repentance is a heart action that takes this all a bit deeper. It is confessing with our feet. Eugene Peterson, in his awesome book that I’m praying makes a comeback called A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society, says that “the usual biblical word describing the way that we say no to the world’s lies and the yes we say to God’s truth is repentance.” He goes on to state that repentance is not an emotion. It is not feeling sorry for your sins. It is a decision. It is deciding that you have been wrong in supposing that you could manage your own life…”

I love this idea of repentance as an action, moving beyond the mind or even heart. In the same way, vulnerability is something we do, not feel. When we can be real with each other about our hurts and hang-ups, transformation happens.

4. Connect in Community
All of these ideas for modern spiritual formation (that aren’t so modern), can be done in the quiet of solitude. Or, perhaps most importantly to note, they need to be done in community, too. We can read reflectively with a group in a small group or Bible study (my favorite is Bible Study Fellowship). We can pray with our friends or family or on Sunday mornings. We can even share vulnerably with others and confess our struggles with each other.

5. Rest
It’s easy to get going a million miles per hour and not stop. After all, there is no shortage of stuff to do in today’s world. But it is clear in scripture (and for all mental health practitioners and counselors) that rest is a necessary part of life. Especially in the western world where productivity is for many of us is a golden calf (shout out to the OT).

Similar to how people need to schedule rest days when training for a marathon so that their muscles can heal, we need time for our bodies, minds, and spirits to renew. A couple ways that this can practically happen includes one of my favorites: the weekend nap. If my kids are resting or watching a movie, I grab a book and my favorite plush purple blanket and doze. I take off workout days. I schedule in time where I am not looking at my phone or answering emails. I sit down without anything to distract me. As my IG friend and author Manda Carpenter puts it, I allow myself to get bored.

Spiritual formation is a process, a pilgrimage, a journey without a destination. The journey, itself, is the point. While this modern age brings new challenges, we can also dig into the past, learn from those who are walking ahead of us, and commit to taking action for a closer walk with the God. He wants us to finish the race and win the prize eternal and be able to say:
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith,” (2 Timothy 4:7).

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Curious about how else faith can be incorporated into your everyday life? Check out this video on dealing with anxiety:

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Twitter39FacebookLinkedInPinterestPrint39SHARESMary McLeod Bethune was born in Mayesville, South Carolina two years before the end of the Reconstruction (the time after the Civil War that slaves were adjusting to their new lives) to parents who had been slaves.1 Even though Mary and her family were free, they still lived in poverty.

When she was nine years old, Mary tagged along with her mother to take a basket of freshly washed and ironed clothes to her former master’s house. They had to go around the home to the entrance in the rear, the one through which the blacks could enter. In 1884 in Mayesville, South Carolina, there was absolute segregation between the races. Her mother went inside to take the family their clothes and receive the few cents paid for such a job.

Waiting outside, Mary was captivated by a children’s playhouse she saw and peeked inside. Two white girls about her age sat inside on scaled-down furniture. They were playing with their dolls.

“Hello, Mary! Do you want to come in?” one of them called out. Of course she did. Mary was just a little girl, and she wasn’t admitted to such circles every day. A passion was ignited in Mary that day. Seeing past her circumstances and limitations, she made a decision that changed her life and the lives of many after her.

You see, Mary was the fifteenth child of seventeen children.2 She was the first child born free to a family of former slaves. Her family only knew hard work, cotton fields, and difficult times. They were free and had five acres of land to work, but nothing more.

Mary wanted more, and this day made her determine how to go about it. She recounted the event in this manner:

I picked up one of the books… And one of the girls said to me—“You can’t read that—put that down. I will show you some pictures over here,” and when she said to me, “You can’t read that—put that down,” it just did something to my pride and to my heart that made me feel that someday I would read just as she was reading.3

Seeing past her circumstances and limitations, she made a decision that changed her life and the lives of many after her.

Mary McLeod Bethune discovered the world of education through that one act. She realized the plight of her race was limited by the lack of education, and she begged her parents for that opportunity. It came when the Mission Board of the Presbyterian Church sent one, young black woman, Emma Wilson, in city clothes to educate the black children of South Carolina.4 Mary’s family could only afford to send one child, and Mary was selected.5 She graduated from that school at age twelve, wanting more education, but not having any way to achieve it. She prayed for a miracle.

A few years later, Mary was awarded a scholarship that had been given by a dressmaker in Colorado named Mary Chrisman. Due to that scholarship, Bethune was able to attend Scotia Seminary in North Carolina. After attending Scotia Seminary, she received a scholarship to the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago,6 where she continued to be a high achiever. Mary was the only African-American student there, and that year one of only a few non-whites.

But Mary didn’t stop with her own education. After graduating from Moody Bible Institute, she moved to Florida, rented a two-story house, “and began the difficult task of establishing a school for African American girls” in 1904.7 The school later became Bethune-Cookman University.8 The beginnings were meager. Mary had only $1.50 to her name, five students, and shipping crates for desks.9 But she had a determined heart.

Bethune maintained high standards and promoted the school with tourists and donors, to demonstrate what educated African Americans could do. She was president of the college from 1923 to 1942, and 1946 to 1947. She was one of the few women in the world to serve as a college president at that time. “Because of her prominence, she served as an advisor to presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt and Harry S. Truman.”10

Mary created opportunity through education for many that would not have received it anywhere else. She had immense faith in God, and believed that nothing was impossible.

Education was her tunnel to success, yet two axioms of Mary’s philosophy—“not for myself, but for others” and “I feel that as I give I get,” spoke of the very nature of this strong lady. Her grit and determination did not end with acquiring the education she desired, but it translated into so much more: the birth of education for the next generation as well.

“In 1973, she was inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame and continues to inspire many to this day.”11

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You will also like Teachers, We’re Praying for You, Three Cords Haiti: Life Transformation For At-Risk Women, Do High School Girls Want to Be Sophisticated Ladies?, Let Them Teach, and Maintaining Your Sanity Throughout the School Year#gritandgracelife

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Twitter35FacebookLinkedIn8PinterestPrint43SHARESI recently made the decision to begin searching for a van to purchase. With a growing family, my small SUV wasn’t working so well! However, I knew that in order to get what I wanted I would need to take out a loan. Then I began to consider my budget and exactly what I could afford without being stretched. That’s when I decided it was time to reassess my bills. Maybe it’s time you did the same thing.

When evaluating your monthly bills and expenses:1. Look at the bills that are not utilities.
Typically there is car and homeowner insurance, home alarm, cable/internet, and home mortgage. Since we had been loyal with the various companies for several years and always paid on time, I thought there was certainly some type of “loyalty discount” that they could give.

2. Start with your car and homeowners insurance.
One phone call cut these monthly bills in half! Apparently our insurance company had just implemented a new rating system that caused them to be able to lower our premiums. While I was extremely happy about that, it also frustrated me that the new rating system wasn’t simply offered without my inquiry.

3. Check with your home alarm company.
I called our home alarm company after looking online to see what new customer promotions they were offering. As a new customer, I could get service for about $20 less per month than what I was currently paying.

The first person I spoke with didn’t offer enough of a savings to convince me it was the best he could do. So, I explained that as a loyal customer for over eight years, they could do better. That’s when he transferred me to the magical “Customer Loyalty” division. While the lady there couldn’t get me to the new customer offer, she lowered my monthly bill by almost half, and I remained loyal to them.

4. Next, take on the internet and cable company.
This was a very similar experience to the home alarm company: I went from a customer service representative to a customer loyalty representative. My cable and internet service had recently increased by more than $60 per month, and while I didn’t want to change providers, I was ready to do so if my current provider wouldn’t work with me. Thankfully, the customer loyalty rep was able to bring my monthly invoice back to within $6 of my previous, lower bill, saving me more than $50 per month.

5. Home mortgage will probably be a bit more involved.
Since we bought our home without a 20% down payment, the lender added private mortgage insurance (PMI). In order to be considered for removing the PMI, we had to agree to pay for an appraisal of our home. Property values in Nashville have skyrocketed, so we knew we were in great shape. Within a month, we had the PMI removed. Between that and the decrease in our homeowner’s insurance, we are now saving a significant amount monthly.

Even with the additional loan payment on my new vehicle, I’m not paying out any more per month overall than I was prior to purchasing it! There may be other monthly costs that you could review in addition to the ones I mentioned, but take it from me—it is worth the time and effort to reassess your monthly bills!

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Need some more financial advice? Check out this podcast episode: Know Yourself, Know Your Money With Rachel Cruze – 153

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThere is an undeniable tension that exists when dealing with race in our world today. So when it comes to having those hard conversations and arriving at a place of better understanding each other, many people don’t know where—or how—to start.

Longtime Grit and Grace Life team writer Allison McCormick joins Darlene and Julie this week to share her advice. As a biracial woman married to a Black man, Allison details the confusion and complexity of discovering her true biracial identity and the situations her husband has had to endure. She shares what we and other Christian women can do to fight hate and discrimination, and what actionable steps we can take to see real, impactful change when it comes to racial harmony.

Note to listeners: There are some audio issues in this episode that we did our best to fix. But we hope you listen through because the content and information shared in this episode is of utmost valuable and not to be missed.

Allison McCormick alleges to be a “self-proclaimed” introvert but give her a cup of Chai tea and surround her with friends and she shares the gift of gab. A lover of Jesus, wife, and mentor, she shares her passion for encouraging women with all those who cross her path.

Quote of the episode:

“We have a historical past of injustice, of slavery, of racism…and when we see injustice, we have to actually be willing to do something. Not just see it, but take the next step of really being willing to confront it.” —Allison McCormick

ResourcesRead Allison’s articles on race:

—Why My Mother Hid Her Race for Love
—Can Redemptive Love Overcome Racial Division?

Don’t miss this important podcast episode:

—How We Can Stand With The Black Community With Dr. Zoe Shaw – 136

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TwitterFacebookLinkedIn2PinterestPrint2SHARES‘Sexless in Seattle’ Asked:Dear Dr. Zoe,

For most of my adult life I’ve struggled with not being interested in sex. I’m not a victim of sexual assault or abuse, I’ve just never had much interest. This is a struggle I’ve kept to myself due to hearing comments from people like, “I’d kill myself if I didn’t like sex.”

I’ve been with my husband for seven years (married for almost two), and he is so patient and kind with me. I wish it could be enjoyable, but I don’t know what to do! Help!

Dr. Zoe Answered:You are not alone. Despite our sex-crazed culture, there are others who struggle with this issue as well. It actually wouldn’t be an issue at all in your life, except that you are married to a man who desires sex.

Since you have never been interested in sex, it may be a good idea to have a physical examination by a gynecologist, alerting them to your concerns. It would also be worth having a blood test to see if your hormone levels are within normal range.

Even though you have never experienced any abuse or trauma, you may have received some negative messages about sex as a child, which could possibly be a contributing factor. You may want to consider seeking individual therapy to explore those issues (if there are any).

If you have already explored all of that or if none of that seems to work, then it is highly likely that this is just how you were made. And there is nothing wrong with that! The conundrum, however, is that your husband desires sex and it seems to me that there is a part of you that would like to desire it as well or at least enjoy it.

There are things in my life that I don’t love to do, but I have learned to make them as enjoyable for myself as possible. This takes effort. You will probably never be swinging from the chandeliers waiting for your husband to come home and devour you. But if you lower your expectations of what sex should be for you, you could probably get to a point where you enjoy the closeness with your husband. And this means taking some time to explore what could make sex more enjoyable for you and understanding what makes it less enjoyable.

Do you like hugs and kisses? Do you like to snuggle? What makes you feel eww, yuck! And what makes you think, “This isn’t so bad”? If you and your husband could work together to maximize the good parts and minimize the negative ones, you will find that you will enjoy sex more.

It’s wonderful that your husband has been so patient and loving with you in this area. You can return the favor by letting him know that you are motivated to make things better in the bedroom. The best Christmas gift ever could be scheduling some sessions with a sex therapist who can offer some great techniques for helping you learn to experience more enjoyment in your sex life.

I’m glad that you are reaching out and looking for some help in this area. You don’t have to suffer alone. Continue to seek out help until you find something that works. Sex can be enjoyable, even with a low libido.

You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and grace.

Dr. Zoe

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Don’t miss this episode of our podcast: An Intimate Look at Your Sex Life With Dr. Miller OB-GYN – 135

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintA few years ago, my husband joined a men’s group called “F3.” The “Fs” stand for faith, fellowship and fitness. Each time a new guy joins the group, the rest of the men ask some questions to get to know him a bit, and then they give him a fun nickname.

The name choice usually reflects something that they have learned about him. It might sound a little like a fraternity, but I promise it’s not. From that point on, the guys go by their nicknames when they work out together. So much so, that when Dan refers to his F3 friends, I don’t even know their real names. He may be talking about Macaroni, Ragnar, Fulcrum, Crosscheck, Straightedge, Overeasy, Goetta or Swivelhips. My husband’s name? “Bottle Cap.” Why? Because he is passionate about Boy Scouts, and the little Boy Scout, Russell, in the movie “Up” has a bottlecap on his shirt. I don’t fully understand their line of thinking, but I appreciate the camaraderie and way that it makes the guys feel like they have a place.

The Names We Choose Are a Reflection of UsThroughout our life, there are times when we choose our names and other times when they are given to us. For example, when we create accounts on social media platforms, we register with a username. Whether it’s our real name or a nickname, it usually reflects us in some way.

I’m part of the Peloton workout community. When you create your account, you create a handle, and that is the name you go by on every workout platform. What you choose might be “followed” by others or called out in a live workout by an instructor.

Back when we first joined Peloton, my husband set up our accounts. He asked what I wanted to go by, and I told him that he could pick. He chose “AmyWriter.” (Get it? Writer/Rider?) At the time, I giggled at his creativity but didn’t think much more of it. However, each time I have gotten on the bike or completed a workout, that name has resonated more deeply within me.

I know that my husband chose it out of his desire for me to believe in myself as a writer. I’ve had many emotional moments throughout the past few years where I’ve struggled with asking questions like, “what am I good at?” or “what are my hobbies?” It’s been easy for me to fall into the trap of looking backwards at all that I used to do and wondering where that Amy went. But through the using the name “AmyWriter,” Dan has reminded me of what he sees in me and what he believes God is calling me to be. A writer.

Names define us. For better and for worse. They have power over us. For better, my name Amy means “beloved,” and my middle name Elizabeth comes from a long line of Elizabeths in my family. I have clung to “beloved” in the times when I feel aimless. God has used that name to remind me that my purpose is to be loved by Him and to love others well. And my “Elizabeth” reminds me of what I come from. Hard working women. Good stewards of their time and resources. Women whose husbands served in the military and who didn’t have much, but they knew how to survive with little and open their home to others.

For worse, I was voted “Most Obnoxious” as my senior superlative in high school. Yep. Ouch. That one still hurts. My loud, over-exuberant self must have really made an impact, eh? That label has often kept me from stepping up to lead something or to share my opinions because in my mind I have defined that label as “you’re too loud, you need to keep your mouth shut.” Was that the intent? Who knows, but I must put that name aside and move forward.

But God’s Names Truly Define UsUnlike what my senior classmates named me, God calls us names that truly define who we are. He calls us His children, His treasure, cities on a hill, the salt of the earth, His beloved, His sheep, and His delight. Our Creator names us perfectly because He created us. What He calls us is what we are. Who we are.

What would happen if we embraced the names that He has given us and started to believe and live out who we are? What if we defined ourselves as His beloved children, seen by Him and called to a specific purpose? Would we live more securely? Would we live more empowered?

God calls us names that truly define who we are.

Our God knows us so much more than our husbands, parents, and best friends do. He sees what we think and do every day. He formed us with a specific purpose and because He is our Creator—who He says we are is what matters. There is power behind the names that He calls us. Let’s have courage to let those names define who we are as we move forward this side of heaven.

The Impact of Your Name1. What does your name mean? Why did your parents choose it? How have you seen the meaning of your name reflected in your life?

2. For better or for worse: what names have been given to you? How have they impacted your story?

3. What names can you choose for yourself? Which names help you be brave and vulnerable?

4. God calls you so many names in scripture. Which ones are hard to accept? How can you embrace and step into the names that He calls you?

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Maybe you’ve been called names that made you doubt yourself and the value of your purpose. Here’s how to forge ahead in truth:

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TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestPrintThey say loss teaches us the worth of things. But what if loss teaches us the worth of who we are, as well? I believe we are constantly changing and growing. Loss comes in waves, yet so does growth and abundance. It’s how we handle those seasons that teach us the most about ourselves.

I remember the day our house burned down, the black under my fingernails, the worry on my toddler’s face, the sad on my husband. As worried, and sad and blackened as we all were…

A Lesson After the FireWe had everything. We had each other. A neighbor I met in that moment said those words to me and it changed the day, the season, and my heart. I remember all of it like it was yesterday, even though it was almost five years ago now. The black beams became a dump pile, and over time—lots and lots of time—the burnt piles became a brand-new home with a “for sale” sign on it. The days in between those moments where some of my darkest and most exciting seasons ever.

Sadly, it wasn’t until the end of that season that I learned self-care and mindfulness. Five years can change a person. Where we once planned on living forever became someone else’s home sweet home and we moved our family across the country. That decision did not happen all at once …. we built the home as our forever home, and then we decided it would not be. Sometimes that feels like a loss.

We gave up something for something we do not have yet. So here we are in the middle season, the transition one, and isn’t that just the hardest sometimes? We gave up the home we worked so hard to rebuild, for a life we could give our twins.

The fire season taught me that things are just that—things. I was unhealthy in how I dealt with that season, that loss, the stress of rebuilding. I was constantly trying to steer, and I had lost sight (or had not known yet) that God is in control and that when I surrender to Him, I can free myself up to enjoy my life.

We Grow in the StruggleBy the time we moved into our new home, my ponytail was so thin. I lost my hair and caused my family a lot of heartache by not knowing how to take things day-by-day or remaining the calm anchor God intended mothers and wives to be. I am not saying we need to be steady and calm every day, but I know now I have more peace when I give peace.

So, now I choose to be grateful and remember I won’t be in the transition long; that this is a special character-building place in loss, and abundance is coming. We don’t grow in abundance—or at least I don’t. I grow better in the struggle. So, I guess they are right when they say loss teaches us the most about ourselves.

I also think something was not finished in me during that fire season and God will work on it again now during the transition. It’s in loss that He has our attention. I will try and remember that, as people, we love gratitude and appreciation and so does He. So, in the abundance we do not need to be silent, but we do need to thank Him.

Loss can teach us how strong we are. We face and go through things we never thought we could, and yet here we are. I recently was thinking about Hurricane Ian and all the devastation it caused. I want to remind those people who were impacted that the loss will hurt, but it will also be okay. God always finds a way for his people. Do not lose faith in the storm. That is where our faith needs to be the strongest. So while you look around and sort through wet piles of your prized possessions, remember those are only things and you’re alive. That is a gift we cannot forget to be grateful for.

The fire season was a dark season for me. Loss, fear, worry—yet God showed up and forced me to realize it’s all okay. It will always be okay if I only lean on Him in those moments. Those cold, dark moments where I feel the most alone is where He is waiting to take my hand and bring me back into the realization that He is right there.

Learn from the LossIan, Katrina, fire, death, divorce—let the loss teach. Let the loss come and go and leave you more self-aware after it. Do not forget the loss—that’s where we get duplicate lessons when we do not allow them to teach us anything. Let the loss teach. Learn who you are and what you’re capable of.

“Choose Happy” became our family motto before the fire, and our saving grace after. So, in the loss we had a place to gravitate toward. Anytime one of us would go to a dark place, the others would make a funny face or tickle the kids to remind each other we can choose happy even in the storm. Even after the fire. Fires burn and destroys things, yet this fire taught us. It taught us that even in loss, we have so much to be grateful for.

“Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver. And her profit better than gold,” (Proverbs 3:13-14).

—
Need more hope and encouragement when life throws you a curveball? You’ll love this podcast episode: Your World Just Turned Upside Down—What Now? With Marlys Johnson Lawry – 197

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Hey Buddy,

We can’t wait to meet you! Daddy and I are preparing your room, daydreaming of when we can all play in it together. Sitting here in anticipation of what life will look like for us, I wanted to share a little bit about what you can expect when you get out here. While we are going to hike, play with LEGOs, and go to the park by our house all the time, we are also going to make sure that you have openness in your life, Little Guy.

Openness means so much to us because it created the life we have today—it even brought Mommy and Daddy together.

Daddy’s family moved from Guadalajara to San Francisco before he was born, opening so many new opportunities as he grew up. Mommy grew up open to different cultures at her church and hosting homestays, learning the value of openness to people and different perspectives when she lived in a foreign country herself. We want to make sure our ceiling of “having experience and opportunity” is your floor, Buddy. When Mommy and Daddy promise you openness, let me tell you what that means.

We promise to have open hearts, to show you how to keep on loving even when it hurts. Sometimes it is tough out here. People hurt our feelings or life gets difficult. We want to show you that we can stay open, hoping, looking forward in joy, because life comes in seasons. You’ll see what that means when you get here, but basically after the rain there will always be sunshine. We must learn to wait for it. We will do our best to show you how.

When friends hurt our feelings, we will model what it means to forgive. When life doesn’t go according to our plan, we will show you what it means to adapt and respond rather than react.

We promise to open opportunities for you, Buddy. Not only can you meet our friends around the world, but you can meet Mommy’s flight attendant coworkers on the airplane and Daddy’s firefighter coworkers at the fire station. Every Mommy and Daddy have important people in their lives, so you get to meet ours!

You’re going to meet friends in our neighborhood, learning interesting and new things from them. We are going to make sure you’re able to do the things you’re interested in so your life can always get better and better. Be warned: If you choose to start something, you must finish it. No quitting mid-semester on any sports or hobbies you asked for, Buddy. I’m telling you now.

As we explore open opportunities, we promise to teach you how to weigh the pros and cons, how to prioritize, and how to make the decisions leading to the healthiest, happiest, best life you can conjure with your imagination. Exploring opportunities together, we encourage you to daydream big, Little Guy!

We promise to have open minds and encourage you to do the same. You’re going to be curious, creative, a problem solver, and learn so many new things. You’re going to learn about different people, cultures, food and customs, and learn how to love these new people you meet for exactly who they are.

With an open mind, you can learn more about people than we have, think up more creative solutions than we did, and truly “be the change that you want to see in the world,” like the famous Indian politician Mahatma Gandhi challenged. You will be able to see things from a new perspective, one that can truly impact those around you. Our goal is to “make our ceiling into your floor” in both opportunities and openness, Pal.

We promise to give you open skies to experience the world. There is a famous writer you will read about in school named Mark Twain who said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrowmindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in on little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” Yes, that is a lot of big words, Buddy, but Mommy promises to explain it to you. Then we will show you what he meant!

We promise to have open minds and encourage you to do the same.

You’ve already been to Hawaii a few times, all around the United States, to Israel, and to Tahiti in my belly when I was working at the airline. Daddy and I are going to make sure you go all those places and more, so you can learn your lessons both at school and in the world. If you are studying about indigenous people groups, we can show you their artifacts at the museum or introduce you to them in person. If you are studying about natural sciences, let’s go to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. If you’re learning something intriguing in your political science courses, feel free to tell us when you’re ready to visit Washington D.C.

We promise you to have open hands, so we can show you how to hold everything and everyone with care but loosely. We can’t hold onto anything too tight, not our favorite toys or even people, because they are only on loan to us in this life. When we hold everything with an open hand, it becomes easier for us to share with others, harder for us to get hurt when we lose things, and more precious to us when we are given good gifts.

As we practice having open hands, maybe we can volunteer to distribute food on Thanksgiving? Or prepare boxes of Christmas presents for children who may have none? We might even learn the value of sending money to support a child in a developing country every month. There are a lot of ways we can learn how to have open hands, which often lead to open hearts for others.

We promise to show you an open dialogue with God. We talk to Him about everything. Know that you can do the same. He loves you even more than we do, which means He wants to hear the things making you happy, sad, frustrated, joyful— everything! He is always around, always listening, always waiting to respond to you. God gave us everything we have, including each other. We are a gift to each other! Mommy loves you, and always prays for you to be in God’s hands because He takes even better care of you than I ever could.

I know it’s a lot, Little Guy! These are all Mommy and Daddy’s adventure ideas, just like wanting to send you to airplane camp and science camp if you decide you want to become a doctor, astronaut, or international pilot.

Finally, we promise to be open to your ideas. We can’t wait to hear what you’re interested in as an individual, what you want to do, and how we can give you the best life possible. Dream big in that belly, Buddy. You have so many adventures awaiting. Take a nap now because the fun is about to begin. We love you so much!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

—
Worried about raising them right, Mama? Your fears will subside after listening to this podcast episode: How To Raise Responsible Kids: Tips For Every Age – 087

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A few years ago, I was told I had hormone imbalances that would make it more difficult for me to lose weight than other people. You’d think a diagnosis would be the perfect motivation to start making healthier decisions. However, all of the previous year was a festivity for me, and I’ve never believed in depriving myself of good food (still don’t!). I graduated from college, got married, moved twice, and got a desk-oriented job.

I don’t remember the exact moment that triggered my get-healthy quest, but one day, it just clicked. I wanted to actually be healthy more than I wanted someone else’s body, for once. I realized that I needed tools, and I needed them to work for me where I am right now.

I’m such a gradual-change person; so, per usual, I continue to make small changes that build upon one another as I journey to become who I want to be physically. Following these main practices, none of which include total deprivation, dieting, misery, or lots of cash, helped me drop six pounds in a month (during the holidays). Also, I’m enjoying being active, which is a first time thing for this lady.

6 ways to get healthy now:1. Change your mind.

Like I said before, deprivation is not my thing, but changing my mindset on how I view food and fitness changed everything. My eating habits now flow from this idea: Everyday meals are meant to nourish and fuel my body, not satisfy my cravings or make me feel a certain fullness. What I am putting into my body should be mostly natural and make it function well, not fill an unnecessary longing.

For fitness, if I’m jealous of someone else’s body or think that looking a certain way in a specific time frame is what will make me okay, I’m not in the right mindset and will be graceless toward myself and others. Being physical should be my way of enjoying the activities I love (even if I have to learn to love them) for the sake of treating my body well.

2. Get techy.

Two free apps have been my accountability (with help from my husband, too) for both fitness and food. Active’s Couch To 5K truly got me off the couch and able to jog for an extended time. Now, I still can’t run a 5K in 30 minutes, but I get to the gym at least three times a week. I’ve even started incorporating other workouts and intervals into my routine to the point where I’m asking myself, “Who am I?” when I want to work out.

Lose It! is what I use to log all the food that I eat to help me stay on track with my goals. It calculates your recommended calorie intake based on your age, weight, and desired weight loss. I recommend logging all the food you plan to eat at the beginning of the day, so you know how much wiggle room you have (especially for your afternoon coffee run).

The app has most foods (even restaurant meals) pre-loaded, but there are calorie calculators online for homemade items. Chain restaurants usually have nutritional information on their websites. The app also gives you daily and weekly nutrient breakdowns and calorie deficits, showing you where to make adjustments based on your body’s needs.

3. Keep it moving.

I sit at my desk for at least eight hours a day. Previously, I was then going home to TV-binge since my aching brain couldn’t take any more effort, only standing up while making dinner. While I do go to the gym after work now, I’ll take some researchers’ word for it that sitting for extended periods—such as when working a desk job—can be seriously detrimental to our health, even with regular exercise.

Try doing a Google search for “deskercises” to find ways you can fidget and mobilize your way to extra calorie burn. Personal favorites: seated leg extensions, squatting as pages print (I have a printer in my closed-door office), and a simple walk down the hallway.

4. Put on the blinders.

The girl on the treadmill beside you, gracefully running at an unwavering faster pace than you for a longer time than you, does not concern you (unless you want to compliment her!). She’s working toward her goals as you are working towards yours. Physical health goals become unhealthy when blended with comparison and feelings of not being enough. You were enough before this journey began. Give a cheer that neither one of you are still at home on the couch and maybe even make a friend!

5. DIY with food.

Cooking your own food is almost always healthier than store or restaurant bought versions. Thank the Lord for Pinterest, which hosts a healthy recipe for any meal and snacks for any level of cooking expertise. I recommend using terms like “clean eating,” “easy,” “for weight-loss,” etc. while searching. I also suggest reading through the recipe before pinning it so that you can see the ingredients and steps first. This will help you know whether or not you agree with the creator’s definition of health and so that you’ll actually enjoy making and consuming it. Going gluten-free? We’ve got you covered, here!

6. Try healthy substitutes, then keep trying.

Search for clean eating versions of indulgences for the days when you need a treat but want to stay on track. This has definitely helped lessen cravings for the bad-for-my-body, good-for-my-soul foods and strengthened me to pass by break-room trays. However, if the chickpea cookie dough tastes like clay and the zucchini noodles are watering down a sauce that’s supposed to taste like alfredo, don’t give up! Make adjustments to the recipes or try new ones to make healthy versions of beloved eats so that you eat more of what you love without totally ruining your progress.

I hope these tips are just what you need to take more steps toward becoming a healthier you. Just keep walking forward in grit and grace!

—You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: On Business, Happiness & Health with Burn Boot Camp’s Morgan Kline – 065

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I woke at 1:30 AM. Fully alert and rehashing the events from the previous day. I was angry, anxious, and agitated by people’s lack of integrity. Their unwillingness to be accountable for their actions and words.

I choreographed responses, planned for the potential encounter, and waited for sleep to return.

The bedside alarm clock measured the minutes: 2:30… 3:30… 3:45. When finally, my mind calmed enough to allow me to fall back to sleep. Waking again to the sound of our dog jumping off the bed, his ID tags acting as an alarm as they jingled against his collar. It was 5:20 AM and I gave up the notion of sleep.

Once on my feet, I made my way to my office. It was time to talk with God.

Talking with GodGod and I have an understanding. He allows me to vent, wrestle, and fret, and I allow Him to sort out the details. But this morning, I didn’t want to hear rational, biblical truth. I wanted His acknowledgment that humanity is a mess and perhaps even validation that in heaven, He won’t allow the same brokenness to prevail.

I sat quietly in my office chair and Jesus gentle reminded me of a scripture in the book of John. It states:

“I have told you all this so that you will have peace of heart and mind. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (The Living Bible)

Again, biblical truth was not what I wanted to hear. Yet there it was, written in black and white across the pages of my Bible and I was forced to sit with it, mull it over and then pray.

And as I prayed, I moved beyond my emotions, laying my angst at the base of His cross. In that process, I found something interesting happening to my mind. Peace replaced worry. Confidence replaced fear. I was able to move from a place of anger to forgiveness. My anxiety disappeared.

Do you ever wrestle with the uncertainty life throws at you? Does your mental alarm clock wake you out of a peaceful slumber only to torment you with rehearsing the past? I’m hoping someone out there shares my early morning angst, my grappling with God’s truth.

If you are a fellow wrestler, then perhaps you will be interested in a few things I am learning to consider while waiting for the sun to rise.

God Offers Peace when We Feel AnxiousGod can handle my doubts, my criticisms, and my cries of desperation.

During those midnight moments of restlessness, I begin to question God’s motives. If He loves me, why would He allow bad things, mean people, and hard circumstances to intersect my life? Yet in the light of morning, His truth becomes clear.

God isn’t a genie that I can summon at my beck and call. He doesn’t remove the bad in my life just because I pray. Sometimes those obstacles are the very things that help mature my character and grow my faith. Bad stuff, challenging days, and unfair circumstances are guaranteed to occur. And when you are laying wide-eyed contemplating your plan to navigate around them, or perhaps negotiating with yourself a path through them, remember God is present to help you stand and face the giants that invade your mind.

“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message)

God never promised fair, easy, or comfortable. But He does promise to be with us—present and available.

In the darkness, my mind can produce a pit of emotions. When I allow them to take control and direct my beliefs, I slide deeper into my mental chasm and eventually lose sight of the surface. I lose sight of God.

Have you ever found yourself walking around in a pit? The light creeps over the edges casting shadows on the dirt walls. Mental monsters appear, guarding the entrance to the hole, keeping you buried by your feelings and endless fears. In time, the sun moves, darkness fills the hole, and you’re unable to catch your breath or take a step towards the freedom God offers.

But what if you stopped and refocused on God? What if you began to see your pit for what it is – the enemy’s futile attempt to keep you buried in the lies he attempts to package as self-control and self-sufficiency?

You are not controlled by your emotions. You are not hopelessly trapped. You can filter your thoughts through God’s truth and take the first steps towards His promised freedom.

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)

God always provides. However, be prepared, His solutions may not look like what you’ve planned, expected, or want for your life.

The First Step Is ObedienceIn the morning, as I’ve completed my night-long planning and am ready for God’s stamp of approval, I am often surprised to encounter a sense of discontent. It’s almost like God is gently saying, “I’ve got a different plan.” But, that’s not what I want to hear. I’ve worked hard to define my steps, and being the Type-A that I am, I have a corresponding timeline developed to support its implementation.

Yet, God patiently redirects my work and I begin to listen to His voice. He asks me to trust Him with the details, to believe Him for the outcomes, and as He makes His plan clear, my heart shifts from anxiety to calm.

I am learning the very first step I have to take is a step of obedience. A step of surrender, agreeing with God that His ways are better and that He is wiser than I am.

“This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.” Isaiah 55:8-9 (The Living Bible)

I hope the next time you are laying awake at night struggling with all the challenges of this life, you remember that God can handle your doubts. His plans far exceed your plans and He always provides.

Tonight, I plan to curl up with my husband, the dog laying at our feet, and enjoy uninterrupted sleep until the morning arrives.

But, if by some small chance God has something to share, another biblical truth to reframe my thoughts, I hope He can wait until closer to 4:00 AM.

—
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances or stuck in a rut, we encourage you to listen to this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life: You Don’t Have To Stay Stuck Anymore – 160

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When I think about things I want for myself, the first word that comes to my mind is refreshment.

To me, to refresh something means to breathe new life into it. The dictionary also defines refresh this way: “to add new vigor and energy.” Which of us doesn’t want that?

There’s really no area of my life that doesn’t need newness, invigoration, or fresh energy, but some will take more rest, work, and time than others. So I enlisted some ladies, including a couple of busy working moms of young children, to come up with a list of “doable” areas of life that women can refresh toward the beginning of a new year. Things that can provide an immediate “ahh, yes!” without too much stress involved.

Here are six ideas to refresh your life:1. Your library.
If you’ve always read one genre of books, try adding a new one this year to expand your mind and your knowledge of the world. Maybe you’ve never read a spiritual or career-related book, traded a legal thriller for a sci-fi tale, or explored a new cookbook. Spread your reading wings!

2. Weekends.
How about making one weekend a month “social media-free?” Or making intentional plans one Saturday or Sunday rather than just vegging on the couch or running kids between ball fields? You could try cooking a new recipe every Saturday.

Perhaps one or two weekend days could be designated as adventure days, where you try something new like mountain bike riding or visiting a place you’ve never been. You could also pick one day for family rewarding and relationship building activities, like a volunteer project. You don’t have to make over every weekend, but refreshing one a month might be just what you need.

3. Wardrobe staples.
Come on girls, it’s time to toss those five-year-old bras and panties! Get new tank tops, leggings, socks, and pj’s. And, speaking of pajamas … if yours is an old t-shirt, it’s time to get something pretty and girly! You don’t have to make over your entire closet (although if you want to, here’s a place to start), but refreshing the items you wear most will make you feel physically fresh—whether anyone can see it or not. You may even want to consider creating your own capsule wardrobe!

4. Beauty products.
While we’re getting intimate, let’s tackle the makeup and hair products crammed in your bathroom cabinets and drawers. In less than an hour you can throw away everything ancient and forgotten.

Now is the perfect time to bid farewell to the three brands of mousse that make your hair sticky, the nearly-empty cans of hairspray that promised to ward off humidity (seriously, there’s no such thing), and the oddball eye shadow colors you keep “just in case.” If you need to do a little organizing of what you hang onto, the dollar stores have bins of all sizes … sometimes in sets of three or four.

5. Your diet.
I’m not talking about a “lose-those-pounds New Year’s resolution” but about making food more fun. How about committing to try one new food a month, or taking cooking classes? You could try subbing out ingredients in some of your favorite foods to make them more healthy; I just made a great apple crumble with honey and almond meal instead of sugar and flour (neither which I outlaw in my diet) and everyone clamored for the recipe. At the very least, you could edit and organize your fridge and pantry so you are never without great spices and creative add-ons for any meal.

6. Your rest.
Seriously ladies, do any of us get enough? We are no good to the people we live with, work with, and love if we are not physically and emotionally refreshed, and the best way to get there is by rest. Rest can be anything from quiet reading, to a nap, to a walk with our favorite music, to a half hour with a cup of tea and a window.

It doesn’t matter how you get it, but that you make time for it and don’t feel guilty about it. Rest is the best and most natural way to refresh our bodies, souls and minds. Figure out what truly makes you feel rested and refreshed, and do that. Regularly!

You don’t have to try all six ideas at once, but pick one or two that pique your interest and give it a shot!

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Another area worth refreshing? Our wellness! Here’s how to revive that part of your life: Need A Life Overhaul? Wellness Expert Rachel Hagstrom Tells You How – 189

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In our nearly eight-month hiatus, a lot has happened in the lives of This Grit and Grace Life‘s hosts. Darlene developed and launched Grit and Grace Life‘s sister project, Smart Living with Grit and Grace, while Julie welcomed a brand new baby girl named Reverie Bender.

Like any good friends would do after being apart, Darlene and Julie spend some time catching up and discussing what else is new in Julie’s life (hint: a lot!). For our newer listeners, Julie recaps her first marriage, her sudden widowhood, getting back into the dating scene and how she met her now-husband, Donny. She also speaks to what trust looks like in a marriage, parenting roles in a blended family, and how she decided she was ready to have another baby.

Quote of the episode:

“There are times when I have just messed it up royally and I have to just stop and say, ‘Can we pray? Because I need to turn this around.’ And that’s how we do it in the Bender house: just keeping it real, honest and going to God constantly.” —Julie Bender

Resources—Revisit the first part of Julie’s story: Julie Graham’s Untold Story Of Heartbreak, Healing And Hope – 101
—Revisit the second part of Julie’s story: From Widow To Wife, Julie’s Getting Married – 145
—Get the inside scoop on the dating scene Julie experienced: What Today’s Dating Scene Is Really Like – 094

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‘Over Feeling Overwhelmed’ Asked:Dr. Zoe,

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just want to give up. There have been things in my life (like chronic illness) that have helped me develop more grit. I now know that I can keep going if I have to, but my first reaction to feeling overwhelmed is usually wanting to quit (if possible). It’s like I just want to escape.

I have learned a couple things, like telling myself if I have gotten through the things I’ve gotten through, then I can do this, too. Also, reminding myself to chunk things down into smaller steps helps. I think I see the big, overwhelming thing and feel like it’s impossible to figure out… so just doing one small step sometimes helps that feeling to go away.

Last, one thing I do is finish something on my plate that’s been lingering. There’s something about completing something that has been hanging over my head helps me feel more energetic. Anyway, I just wondered if you had some words of advice for me? Thank you!

Dr. Zoe Answered:You just gave some excellent advice to someone who struggles with feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you’re not giving yourself enough credit for the work that you’re already doing to help yourself. In addition to what you are already implementing, I would like to remind you to work on finding acceptance for your overwhelm.

Although you are growing muscles, and will feel overwhelmed less, expect that overwhelm will always show up when there is something big you need to tackle. Figure out how to make friends with it. When it arrives at the party, uninvited, greet it with, “I knew you were coming. I’ve got a seat for you over there.” When you stop expecting it to go away, you can use its appearance as a reminder that it’s time to take action.

First, sit down and have a chat with it. Write down all the things that you can think of that you need to do to get this task done. Address that its presence makes you feel like giving up and explain all the reasons why you refuse to. Then, walk away and start using the skills you already know.

1. ChunkingWhen you chunk, it’s best to write down the smaller steps and put them out of view, so that you can just focus on the next task only. When that task is done, uncover the next one.

2. Asking For HelpI noticed you didn’t mention asking for help or delegating as a coping mechanism. You are not Superwoman. She’s a fictitious character. When you feel overwhelmed, make a short list of who you can delegate to or ask for help. A good rule of thumb is if anyone else can do it, you shouldn’t be doing it. Stick to the tasks that no one else can do and delegate the rest.

3. Let Off Some Steam and Get PhysicalThis might seem counterintuitive because I know you have so much to do, but sitting in a cesspool of fear, frustration and procrastination caused by overwhelm only paralyzes you. When I’m feeling completely overwhelmed, the first thing I do is go on a run with no distractions. I often work things out in my head regarding whatever it is that I need to do and if not, I still come back to the table feeling more relaxed, more creative and able to tackle the tasks at hand.

4. Talk It OutThere is something that happens in our brain when we vent that feels productive. It’s one of the reasons why complaining can be so addictive and destructive. It doesn’t solve anything and you haven’t taken any action towards fixing your issue, but it does make you feel better. So vent to a friend, vent to your spouse and give notice that you’re venting, so they don’t feel a need to fix it. After your vent, take action.

You are already doing a great job with your feelings of overwhelm. Implement a few of these tips and you will continue to handle what life throws at you with grit and grace! You’ve got this!

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I was so overwhelmed last week. And then God met me. But if I hadn’t been paying attention, I don’t think I would have noticed.

I took a day off work because I had four doctor’s appointments in one day. The week had been a busy one. My personal children had a lot on their plate. The academic quarter was ending, so they were overwhelmed with homework. We had many sports commitments on the calendar and places to be. My teaching life was filled with papers to grade, students I was concerned about, and meetings to be had. I felt stretched. Too far.

Guilt of a Working MomMany times, I wondered and questioned why I chose to be a working mom of four kids. I was second guessing the decision I made ten years ago, thinking about what a better, more present mom I could be if I wasn’t working. My house would be clean, home cooked meals would be prepared, and I would be more patient. I felt as if I could crumble.

I got in the car with my coffee in hand. The sun was shining, and the weather was perfect. 70 degrees and sunny with the fall colors bursting forth from the trees. I opened the sun roof, rolled down the windows, and turned the radio off to drive in silence. In the quiet, I felt a calm come over me.

During the drive, I decided not to engage with social media while sitting in waiting rooms that day because I knew I would just scroll and waste the time I’d been given. So rather than looking at my phone, I sat and did nothing.

The Gift of Being PresentI looked around the waiting room. I noticed a young mom with her baby. I watched as she and her mother-in-law cooed and talked sweetly to the baby boy. I thought about how just yesterday it seemed like I was doing the same thing with my babies. The woman next to me smiled at me, and we chatted about our upcoming appointments.

The nurse came out and called my name. As I entered the room to have my blood drawn, I was greeted by a big smile and kind personality.

The woman I met was so warm. She told me that when she was little, her grandma told her that no matter what happens and no matter how hard things get, you should always smile because there is always someone who has it harder than you do. Then she told me she prays every day that God will help her smile. I immediately felt like we were friends.

During my 10-minute appointment, we went so deep. We had real fellowship. I even welled up with tears. And she was a stranger. I knew that God was meeting me in this moment. I just knew. He was reminding me that being present to the people in my life and smiling at them goes a long way. Greeting my students and coworkers with a smile and kind word—even if things are hard—blesses them. I know this because I was that receiver that day. I felt filled up and I wasn’t expecting it. All it took was her smile.

I continued my quest to be present at my next doctor’s appointment. As I waited in the waiting room, I looked around. I noticed a man about my age with what seemed to be his father. They quietly chatted about the busyness of the hospital and what they had done that morning. I thought about my own dad and how I needed to give him a call to see how he was doing.

The doctor I was seeing was a new one to me. I expected it to be a quick appointment because I knew he had a full schedule that day. I was pleasantly surprised when he walked in so calmly. He proceeded to ask me question after question. I knew he was listening because he was looking right at me, asking follow up questions based on what I said. After the medical stuff, we chatted about life and got a bit off topic.

God Met Me at the Doctor’s OfficeHe asked what I do for a living, and I told him that I was a teacher of 4th graders. After I said this, he paused, looked right into my eyes and said, “You do such important work every day. You have chosen a career that is making an impact on people’s lives and is so important. Thank you.”

When he said this my eyes filled with tears. I didn’t know that I needed to hear it, but I guess I did. I had been questioning my impact at school. It had been tiring and hard and caused me to forget why I do what I do. God knew I needed to hear these words, and so through a complete stranger, He spoke them to me.

I was weary. I felt wrung out. I considered doctor’s appointments just another thing on my to-do list. But in the midst of them, when I chose to pursue being present and quiet, God met me. Twice. He used strangers to specifically encourage me to keep walking and doing what He has called me to do.

I think the coolest part is that I recognized that it was Him. I know that it was Him. On my drive home I turned up my worship music and sang. Hard. I was filled with thankfulness.

I can only imagine how many times I have moved too quickly and been too distracted to notice what God is doing around me. He is living and active. He is busy weaving all our lives together to further His kingdom. Someday we will get to see the ways that He knit them together. For now, we get a glimpse if we are willing to stop and pay attention.

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When you’re feeling overwhelmed and stretched too thin, it’s time to reprioritize your life. To learn how, check out this podcast episode of This Grit and Grace Life: How To Take Back Your Time With Christy Wright – 166

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I never would’ve believed it if I hadn’t experienced it.

Our bodies store trauma through associations with dates, places and seasons. For some, the holiday season is their trigger season. Personally, as the weather transitions from summer to fall, even if it’s the furthest thing from my mind, I sense my trauma sneaking up on me in unexpected ways like headaches, negative self-talk, bad moods, lethargy—you name it. But even as these seasons approach, we can find ways not only to survive, but thrive during them.

Identify Your Emotional TriggersOne of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves in a triggering season is self-awareness. My trauma occurred when my boyfriend took his own life, deeply engraining painful dates into my subconscious, even into my DNA. It was in Japan around the time the leaves turned blazing hues with the air full of street vendors’ aromas of roasted sweet potatoes and chestnuts. All things that felt like fall.

In following years when autumn weather began, I felt exhausted, disillusioned with everything I loved, and suffered a rise in panic attacks. One of the last days we spoke before his death was so potent that my body stored the memory. The end of September and beginning of October became the worst time of year for me. It took years for me to slow my life enough to realize what was going on internally. When I became more self-aware was when I made the connection.

When we take the time to become self-aware, we can recognize specific moments, conversations, hurtful words or actions from the past that we’re still carrying. Taking quiet time in a triggering season is painful, but rewarding when moments surface that reveal more of ourselves. Self-awareness can look like keeping a journal, checking in and asking “How do I feel right now mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Physically?” Then asking why.

Self-awareness also comes from honest conversations with others, from regular check-ins with our minds and bodies, and with the creation of a quiet “sanctuary” where we can look at ourselves objectively. What thoughts and emotions are guiding you this season? Where did they originate? An autumn festival, a slice of apple pie he loved, certain wood-burning smells hanging in the air?

Don’t Be Ashamed to Look for HelpAnother way to thrive during these difficult seasons is to recruit some help. Recruit the people closest as support when you’re feeling off. Even when we think we’re doing a great job of hiding things, our loved ones sense when something is off. No one is served when we pretend our trauma doesn’t exist.

Realizing I couldn’t keep my pain hidden, I held the awkward conversation with my husband before we were married, explaining the triggers surrounding the time of my old boyfriend’s death. It wasn’t fair for me to keep him the dark, wondering why I was in such a foul mood despite it being a great day. My husband knew the general story, but this day I was struggling with specific details of the suicide. He graciously listened, gave me the hug I needed, and treated the rest of the day like a spa day. What a gem of a man.

Just like it’s challenging to administer our own care when sick with the flu, we may need someone else’s help to get through this season. When we find someone truly caring, there is no shame in sharing our stories with them. Just like a hot bowl of chicken noodle soup is good for a cold, a mental-health day with a friend in the sunshine might be what the doctor ordered.

Sometimes to thrive during our trigger season, after we’re aware it’s coming, is to prepare for it year-round by seeking professional help. By having a mental health professional, a therapist, or a counselor on our side, we inoculate ourselves in the same way we would against a virus.

When I knew I’d be visiting the little town south of Tokyo where my boyfriend died, I explained the situation to my therapist in detail. She provided suggestions, strategies, and support for the trip. Professionals offer insight and strategies we often couldn’t imagine for ourselves. When heading into an awkward family gathering with people who are triggering even on a good day, we can ask a professional how to navigate without getting drunk or involved in a huge fight.

If we let it, therapy feels like the spa treatment of the mind. We owe it to ourselves and those around us to ensure we’re bringing our best selves to these seasonal gatherings.

If we’re facing a painful family scenario, it’s nice to have a professional preparing us in advance or even giving us the go-ahead to say “no” to attending if it’s unhealthy. We’re here to thrive, not just survive.

Treat Yourself During Your Trigger SeasonSpeaking of spa-treatments, if all else fails, a triggering season may be best spent like a resort weekend. As children, we learn rewards come after a job well-done. As adults, maybe it serves us to do what brings joy when we’re in a triggering season. Within reason, we can go to our favorite restaurant, finally visit that one place we’ve been dying to go, or call up that person we’ve been missing. Do what brings joy.

Within the first few years after my boyfriend’s suicide, I found myself in Manhattan on the anniversary. Tears shed. Emotions not ignored. Ice cream eaten. I discovered a unique cure for the worst of days was popping down to check for discounted Broadway tickets and taking myself to a show. Looking back, I saw more Broadway shows during those first few years than I ever will in my life. I recruited friends to go with me, making their day as well. That season of intense pain filled up with some of the craziest, happiest memories of my life.

To be honest, at the time, it was rough. I cried through “Phantom of the Opera” and not because anyone died. It was worth it to pull myself up by my bootstraps, making a new memory each time I wanted simmer in the pain of old ones.

We can always remind ourselves that while thriving through our trigger season is tough, we’re tougher. We already survived the original trauma. With the right people around us, with knowledge of ourselves, awareness of what we’re experiencing, and what we truly need to find joy, we can make this our best season yet.

Maybe this isn’t the “happiest time of year,” but we can fight to ensure it’s our “healthiest” time of year. Not only for this year, but for all those to come.

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If you’re struggling with the pain of something that happened in your past, there’s a 100% chance of finding healing. We encourage you to listen to this podcast episode to learn how: How Do I Begin to Heal from Past Emotional Hurt? with Elizabeth Bristol -186

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We lied!

In our last episode, Darlene Brock and Julie Bender signed off with a promise to return in September 2022 after Julie had her baby. Well, life happened, and This Grit and Grace Life’s return got pushed back to January. Better late than never, right? At least we’re starting off the new year with a bang!

In this episode, Darlene and Julie share some of the new changes happening behind the scenes at Grit and Grace Life and give a preview of this season’s upcoming podcast guests. We have a lot in store—you don’t want to miss it!

Quote of the episode:

“There’s nothing we can do to control the circumstances around us, so we kind of decided to control what we could.” —Darlene Brock

ResourcesRevisit our previous New Year’s episodes:

—This Is How Carpe Diem Can Change Your 2021 – 154
—New Year, Strong You! How to Reflect on Your Year in a Helpful Way – 114
—Finish the Year Strong, and Be Ready for the Next – 071

Check out some of our popular audio articles:

—Just Because She’s Pretty, Doesn’t Mean You’re Not
—How to Find Your Worth In a Counterfeit World
—Ask Dr. Zoe — Why Does God Refuse to Heal My Alcoholic Son?

Follow Us on Social Media!Facebook
Instagram:
@SmartLivingwithGritandGrace
@ThisGritandGraceLife
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#gritandgracelife

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A few years ago, my husband and I decided to make our new year’s resolutions much simpler by consolidating them into one, easy-to-remember word: declutter.

We made a verbal agreement to focus our efforts on removing the unnecessary from our physical living space, our daily schedules, and overall mental state. The strategy to achieve this consists of focusing on goals, individually and jointly, that line up specifically with this one theme. And, we plan to keep ourselves accountable by making a date once a month to take stock on where we are in the process.

Decluttering—Room by RoomAs part of the initiative to declutter our physical space, I have loosely planned to focus on one room a month. I figure this to be a manageable timeline that sets us up for success. Our home doesn’t even have 12 rooms, so I am taking into account closets and various unique spaces demanding the same attention to get under control.

Whatever space I’ve chosen for the month, this mama ropes in those who predominantly use it. The beginning of January and the seizing of school break has us starting off with our seven-year-old son’s room. I had second thoughts as to choosing one of the hardest spaces first, but getting us all in there to battle the impossible, shoulder-to-shoulder, and gradually seeing progress, added incentive to continue.

Toy by toy, book by book, rock by rock, my son was asked if he really still desired each item. When he started to see a difference in his room, reclaiming space to play, he began to show more motivation and cooperation. As a result, he now seems to enjoy his room even more—ironically, spending less time being bored. He isn’t asking as often for help in finding things either, because he was an active part of the tidying process and knows where things now reside.

Already seeing the benefits and having stayed ahead of schedule, I felt quite successful. I made one significant drop-off at the thrift store and began working on a pile of items meant for the next consignment sale. First month, first room—mission being accomplished.

Cleaning Brought My Sanity BackIt is so interesting to recognize how much physical decluttering is connected to our emotional and mental states. Sanity is slowly finding its place again in our home. I can breathe a bit lighter and already feel less stress by having less to maintain. I am a person who regularly purges on the surface, but really digging a level deeper into dark corners and re-discovering those things that I am keeping for “some good reason” has been an added challenge.

This is a bigger personal issue to confront than one might think. I was raised in a family where money didn’t “grow on trees” and frugalness was devoutly practiced. I have been conditioned to save the odds and ends, and I value that. I also have an artistic temperament which sees the possibilities and potential in seemingly every object. And, I have also always worked within the limited resources of the non-profit world. Therefore, I see it as a personal responsibility to save everything because it might have a perfect use later. So, I am going head to head with a pretty fixed mindset and conditioned practices.

Recently, I have been asking if this or that item is really worth hanging onto, since in many cases that “later” has turned into years of forgotten storage. Real estate’s estimate on what a square foot of my home is worth is much higher than the actual five and dime value of the things residing in it.

The Real Reason You Can’t Let Go of ThingsIs it out of frugal conditioning, overwhelming sentiment, or is it really rooted in fear? Do I really believe that my needs or those of my family will not be met? Certainly there is value in being responsible, stewardly, and wise. However, is this over-conscious behavior crossing into an unhealthy drive for control or fear of having to go without?

While decluttering my house, I am simultaneously being challenged to do the same in my heart and am discovering unexpected freedoms await. I am spending less time under the drudgery of maintaining and more time investing in the things and people I love. This I consider to be the ultimate benefit of decluttering and maximizing the use of my home and heart’s reclaimed square footage. Here’s to the new decluttered year ahead!

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One area of cleaning a home that trips up parents is the teen’s room—for obvious reasons! Here’s how to establish a strong foundation of communication with your teen: How Can I Connect and Communicate with My Teenager Better? with Jerusha Clark – 182

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We found ourselves standing on opposite sides of the front door. I stood on the inside, tentative and shaking. He was positioned on the outside, his hands clenched, forming fists, and his jaw locked firmly in place. We had found ourselves in this position before but this time his anger ignited and his fists raised, slowly and deliberately.

I’m not certain where I found the courage, but I looked into his eyes, took one step towards him, and whispered a single sentence: “Be very careful—if you do this, it will be the last time you see me.”

In the coming days, I collected his clothes, gathered a few household items, placed them all in a large box, and sat the box outside the apartment door. I scribbled a note on the top of the lid, “There is no more room for your threats and abuse. I’m done, have a good life.”

That day’s confrontation proved to be our last encounter. Our year-long marriage was over.

I Was Determined to Make It Work on My OwnBefore the white dress, the marriage vows, the promise of forevermore, the truth of our incompatibility was evident. It was clear our hopes, dreams, and beliefs would never align. Friends tried to warn me. Yet, I remained defiant, perhaps naïve.

And in the days leading to our wedding, I found myself questioning, “How in the world had I gotten so far down this road?” I knew deep inside—this marriage would never survive. Yet, my pride would never allow me to change my mind. I was determined to make it work.

As I think about this relationship now, I’ve come to understand that my defiance was caused by a heart desperately seeking love and acceptance. Somehow, I convinced my younger self that marrying this man would equate to a life of value. Our marriage vows would bring self-worth. I could fix his brokenness and heal my longings.

Unfortunately, our time together resulted in a relentless deterioration of the woman God intended me to be. I had bought into his lies and dutifully rehearsed the happily-married couple distortions. I had lost myself in the fear and anger that had become our life.

Until the day I stood in that doorway. The day I decided not to allow the damage to prevail. The day I accepted God’s offer of freedom in the form of a single step, a hushed whisper, and a message written across the top of a packing box.

I’d like to say from that day forward, I never fell prey to a man’s allure. That my heart stayed firmly nestled in God’s grace-filled hands. Unfortunately, behaviors are hard to break and the gaping wound left by a childhood of brokenness and a marriage that exaggerated my failures allowed the hole to enlarge.

I sought to fill the wound with people, careers, busyness, and the world’s attractions. One disappointment and another lie at a time. All leading to greater emptiness and a growing distance from God.

I’m beginning to believe God uses our wounds, the trials we walk through, to change us. Perhaps as we get to the end of our abilities to address our hurts, we get a little closer to allowing Him to be our Healer.

If you find yourself in a spiral, tumbling further away from the woman God created you to be, from the woman you long to become, then consider R.E.S.T.

How to Find R.E.S.T Amid Your StrugglesR: Relinquish your need to control.

Demanding control keeps you in bondage. It keeps you going back to the very thing that causes you the greatest pain. You can’t admit when you’re wrong or need to make a change because it goes against everything you’ve done to maintain a tight grip on your life. But God waits for us to open our hands and receive His gentle prompting to “go in this direction.” And once we take a step toward Him, He wraps us in His loving arms and promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

E: Establish a new focus.
Keeping your eyes focused on your circumstances, the pain in your life, and the struggles you face blocks you from being able to move forward. About 6-months into my marriage, I was convinced that this was the best my life would ever be. I had made this bad decision and I was forced to stick it out, to accept my fate. This is all false thinking, and on that faithful day, God lifted my eyes toward Him. I was able to see the distortions in my beliefs and the hope in His truth.

S: Share your fears and burdens.Silence imprisons you. As my life spiraled further out of control, I became quieter, less willing to interact with family and friends, and isolation became a way of life. I was embarrassed. I had made choices that clearly were not God-ordained and I believed I had irreparably disappointed my parents. But there was support on the other side of my silence. When I found the courage to share what I was experiencing and my hope for a different life, I gained the strength to listen to God and move as He directed.

T: Trust God for your future, the present, and to heal the past.
For someone that had problems making the tough decision even when I knew the truth, trusting God was a challenge. Yet, the years following my marriage showed me just how far I can run from God when I try to hide from the truth and work to protect my ego. But what I’ve learned is God will provide a clear path for the future, will walk with me today, and has put my past in the past.

I’ve learned through the challenges I’ve faced, my interpersonal wrestling, and falling flat on my face, that I can rest in God’s comforting arms – my pasts forgiven and my future secure.

God’s Given Me a Place to RestA decade after that front-door encounter, I saw my ex-husband at a social event. We watched each other from across the room. After an hour of trying to avoid one another, our paths crossed – I was returning from the restroom and he rounded the corner.
The years had physically changed him. Yet, as he began to run through the list of accomplishments and failed relationships, I knew his heart was untouched. I looked into his eyes, and unlike our last interaction, I no longer saw him as a source of fear. I saw a man desperately looking for validation.

That encounter solidified what God had placed on my heart. My ex-husband’s volatility, and his need to be more, do more, and get more had nothing to do with me. They were his feeble attempts to deal with his pain. But God used those times, as dehumanizing as they might have been, to do something inside of me.

I was pulled from my self-sufficiency to a place of healing. I don’t have to do life alone. I can rest in God’s love and so can you.

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Often, we as women feel like we have to take on the weight of the world! Eventually, though, we get tired and start seeing our goals fade. If that’s you, listen to this podcast episode to find your way out of that rut: You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck Anymore – 160

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Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, Venison steak, and fried chicken—as a Midwest gal, I grew up with these hearty dishes. Savory emanating from the floor boards like the smell of beef chili on game day. Baskets of carbs and real, salted butter. Tall, frothy glasses of milk. Fireworks of bouillon. Moats of gravy.

Don’t even get me started on dessert.

I love food and it’s always loved me. My closet proves this. I have pants that range a handful of sizes. Depending on the season and the frequency of my workout routines, what needs covering melts away like an ice cream cone in summer or swirls into a nice peak and expands like homemade whipping cream. Thankfully, I have a husband who appreciates all of my forms in all of their seasons.

You Can Just Eat Plants? Gross.After my carnivorous childhood, when I moved out on my own in college, my diet faltered. Mine was a rotating menu of Gardetto’s, SpaghettiOs, and ramen. I was the quintessential student who couldn’t afford to eat healthy and didn’t really care. I was still round and firm(ish) and jiggly in all the right places.

Most of my calories came from my favorite food group: booze.

But then my later twenties hit and then my thirties, rounding into middle age. Quickly, I found myself googling things like:

“What happens to the female body when it ages?”

“What are the best diets for women in their thirties? Forties?”

“Which foods are healthiest to eat?”

And I started learning something interesting, albeit freakish.

Fruits and vegetables and nuts and other things that forest creatures bulk up on—the vegetarian diet—is pretty darn good for you.

In the name of all things leafy: what the!?!?!

How to Eat Vegetarian without Being One—Yes, ReallyDisclaimer for all my fellow meat-lovers: This article is not trying to convert you to the leafy lifestyle. Hang with me for a moment more…

After learning about the nutrition benefits, I decided to try eating more fruits and vegetables. First, by watching on YouTube what happens on an actual chicken farm (view with caution, preferably not while eating chicken strips). Then, by researching different vegetarian meals with protein substitutes like tofu and beans.

First, I tried the “Tofu Bake.” Basically, just cut up tofu and root vegetables baked in olive oil and seasoned with garlic and ginger. This quickly became my husband’s least favorite meal.

Next, I decided to challenge my meatless chops. I was motivated to find something vegetarian that actually tasted good.

I researched and tried all sorts of dishes. Bean chili, coconut curry, stir fry, burrito bowls and more. I even made homemade bean burgers. What I found out from my research and my experimental cookery was something interesting. I could make yummy and nutritious food for my family without all the meat. We could save a few bucks a month and go vegetarian a couple of days a week.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t eat meat. This might be heresy in the South. In the name of all things medium rare, by all means! Dig into all the grisly tenderloins you can. Savor all the finger lickin’ fried chicken. Some of my favorite dishes still contain carnivorous components.

What I am saying is that maybe those veggie-loving folks are on to something. At least a couple days a week, anyways.

Feeling Adventurous?Want to check out some amazing veggie meals? Here are a couple great links and my all time favorite veggie-leaning dish: Southwestern Black Bean Casserole!

• Taste of Home has a phenomenal ‘best of’ list of vegetarian ideas to try.
• Food Network compiled dozens of veggie-friendly dishes in this article: “43 Vegetarian Recipes Everyone Will Love.”
• Check out some more great ideas at Beauty from Burnt Toast here.

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Are you working toward weight loss this year? A registered dietitian shares what methods are most effective for your health and body type: What Do I Need to Know to Begin My Weight Loss Journey? with Sharyn Saftler – 175

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The pregnancy struggle is real. Doctors, books, and apps prepare us for the aches, the weight gain, the stretch marks, but fail to warn us about one of the sneakiest struggles as a new mom, unsolicited advice.

“Oh man, you think you’re tired now. Just wait till the baby is born.”

“Let me tell you, giving birth was just awful. So, what happened to me was…”

“Just wait until….”

“You know, you really should…”

Well-meaning friends, family, Instagram influencers, and even strangers chime in with advice on how pregnancy and child-rearing should be handled. We mothers are tasked with protecting ourselves and our children from unsolicited advice and comparison, learning to appreciate the good while protecting against the unhealthy.

Balance Advice with Factual InformationKnowledge is power, so be informed. The more we equip ourselves with knowledge about our choices as mothers, the easier it is to weed out unhealthy advice. Running into a mom with her 11-month-old, beautifully enduring a flight from San Francisco to Tel Aviv, I knew I wanted whatever advice she had! I requested all the tips on how wonderfully she was handling the flight with her little guy. Eager to share her knowledge, she made a lengthy book list and recommended some podcasts she’d found helpful. We ask directions from someone who knows where we want to go, right?

I bought the books, devouring the statistics as they cut through cultural norms and old wives’ tales to actual medical advice about the first five years of a baby’s life. As a first-time pregnant mom, I had no idea how helpful these books would be when the “advice” started coming.

Well-meaning moms told me how I should do this, do that, do the next thing. A lot of the suggestions included the dangers of not following the advice. It was eye-opening, realizing how the books explained different countries’ pre and postnatal care traditions, and how these well-meaning moms were literally living up to their regional norms.

While I appreciated their intent and tried to listen for helpful knowledge, I was thankful I’d already decided specific things about my baby’s care before being inundated with opinions. Knowledge is power, so why wouldn’t I equip myself to be the strongest momma possible?

4 Ways to Set Boundaries As a New Mom1. Manage anxieties. Be it anecdotes from a friend, family member, or the internet, we need to recognize where these stories end and ours begin. It’s crucial to exercise empathy with others about their painful experiences without internalizing it ourselves. Strengthening our empathy takes work. It takes extra work for an exhausted new mommy. Empathy is like trying on clothes, taking the other person’s emotions, and slipping them on like a sweater to understand what they’re feeling. After empathizing with them, we return the sweater, recognizing it’s not ours, and move on with the current reality.

Same strategy goes for the internet. Just because it happened to someone online does not mean it will happen us. Scrolling my favorite pregnancy app about my latest symptom, I scared myself into believing I had ectopic pregnancy symptoms. Eventually, in front of my doctor, I explained the fear. More than willing to check me out, he consoled me by saying lot of OB/GYN doctors would never see one of these pregnancies in their entire lifetime of practice.

“The internet gives us so much information, it can make things seem more common than they really are.”

I was fine but started thinking about the information-saturated era where we live. We must recognize everyone’s story is different, every pregnancy is different. Appreciate where people are coming from and why, without internalizing their story.

2. Boundary set with others and yourself. Protecting ourselves and our babies from unhelpful advice includes being selective with our friendships and the way we spend our time. The internet is one of the greatest allies or enemies, useful for good like researching the most nutritious pregnancy diet, future foods for baby, and ways to boost brain development. It’s also a portal to endless toxic information. After my scare at the doctor, I decided I would give myself the “gift of no,” and refuse to obsess over my fears when I could call a professional or simply move on with my day.

In the same way, I gave myself the gift of “no” by decreasing contact with people who increase my stress levels. Some friends were pregnant at the same time, bringing us closer together. It took me a few interactions to realize their anxieties were rubbing off on me. I realized we could only interact when in a safe mental headspace. We shouldn’t be fueling one another’s fears. Distancing myself from the world-link that is a smartphone, I made a point to only answer texts and calls after I’d been grounded through meditation and prayer and felt I was in a solid mental space to be available.

Boundary setting takes energy, but so does suffering through an unhealthy situation. You get to decide which way you would rather expend your energy. We choose between suffering in silence through frustrating situations or speaking up in a way someone else can understand your narrative. The other person’s response is purely their choice but illustrates whether this is a person who truly cares for your situation or someone from whom you need distance.

Set boundaries when needed. There were times the anecdotes were so heavy and overbearing, I felt my baby kicking as he sensed Mommy getting more stressed out. What a perfect time to draw a line to protect my child and myself.

3. Be honest. Sometimes when advocating for yourself and your baby, it is best to directly address issues with honesty in love. Many of my friends shared stories about their first weeks of postpartum recovery, with well-meaning relatives swinging by to enjoy the baby.

My friends revealed the friendly visits were still harmful to the new family as they tried getting the baby on a schedule. One girlfriend’s well-meaning in-laws wanted to start dinner right at baby’s bedtime. Another family wanted the baby to take formula despite Mommy’s desire to exclusively breastfeed. It got me thinking there is no shame in direct honesty when it comes to the advocation of your child.

As the primary caregiver and the person with direct physical connection of nine months to this baby, we are the experts and the “shot callers.” No amount of “mom guilt” or sensing someone’s “well-meaning intentions” is worth something we’ve decided is detrimental to our baby. At the end of the day, as the mommy still caring for baby when the visitors leave, we get to decide how things are done. Guilt free. Advocation might not be easy. But worth it? 100 percent.

4. Trust God. The best way to inoculate ourselves against the anxieties of unsolicited advice is by entrusting our babies to God. Scary stories leave us feeling powerless and defeated before we’ve even begun to fight.

Realistically, any control we have in our circumstances is an illusion. We’re all human beings with limitations, but we have a God who is limitless. Blocking our maddening anxieties around our new baby by reiterating God’s truth to ourselves, we can trust God chose us specifically to be entrusted with this little one for a season. He chose to bring my son to earth and will orchestrate his life. I’m a steward of the little man, a temporary caregiver, but he is God’s son before he was mine. He loves my son more than I ever could. It’s tough to dwell in this space at times, but I always must return for my own sanity.

At the end of the day, we’re meeting a whole new person: ourselves. We can accept the loving advice of the people around us and release toxic suggestions hurting us. When the internet makes other mommies look better, comparison steals our joy, or stories pile on our anxieties, we can remind ourselves: We showed up for the past nine months to give our babies the best—why would we stop now?

—
Looking for more encouragement, mama? We recommend this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Stop the Mommy Wars: Every Mom Is Doing Something Right – 045

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New beginnings are equally terrifying and exciting, for the same reason: they are unknown. A fresh start, regardless of the purpose, is still uncharted territory. We might have been thrown into it unexpectedly—say, with the loss of a loved one—or perhaps it’s the product of careful sifting to restructure our lives into something more grandiose. What awaits us is unknown, but we have reason to look expectantly ahead. The Grit and Grace Life team share their favorite Bible verses on starting anew.

There Is Light at the End of Your TunnelHave you ever felt like you were lost in the wilderness? Like you were wandering around and around, maybe in circles, with no end in sight? Maybe it’s a complicated health battle or a relationship struggle. Maybe it’s not even that dramatic, but rather the daily grind of life’s little and big stresses that have you feeling like nothing ever changes and there is no end in sight. It’s hard to see the horizon when we’re so far from shore and sometimes life feels like the deep end.

But just like the seasons, so does life. What seems endless will, in fact, end. And God is always working. Even when you feel like you are stuck knee-deep in the daily grind or one of life’s great dramas, God is working and he’s moving you forward. The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years. Joseph was in prison for 11 years. David ran from Saul for years too.

And still, God was working. Even when you can’t see the break of dawn and the season of your life seems to be dragging on forever, God is doing a new thing. He promises it. Even the harshest winters turn to spring, and rainbows come after the storm. God is promising a new day. Every day.

“See, I am doing a new thing? Now it springs up, do you not feel it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

Meaghan Dawson — Contributing Writer
Read more from Meaghan here.

What Does Now Have to Do With What’s Next?Ahhh. I love the thought of something new! A new week, a new journal, a new pair of shoes, a new relationship… new anything! My personality is very vivacious and I love to live in the moment; I’m not great at dwelling on the past (this has both its perks and its pitfalls) and I often struggle to plan or dream for the future. I like today! And the good news is, I’ve learned from the Bible (and my life) that it’s all we are promised. Today.

More importantly, we’re promised plenty of fresh, sufficient grace for today, too! (2 Corinthians 9:8, Hebrews 4:16). With that in mind, I love to think about the new things I can choose to do, armed with grit, anchored in this grace… I don’t have to be worried about what may or may not happen, if I’ll achieve my goals or if I’ll let God or others down… no. I can live my life to the fullest, chasing God and embracing the ones He’s given me to love and be loved by, using my gifts to point to Him every. single. day. That’s something to get excited about, right?

I always feel energized when I read this and I hope it inspires you too: Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

We’ve got this girls, we’ve got grit, grace, and God.

Julie Graham — Brand Ambassador
Read more from Julie here.

Would You Like a Redo?An older couple that I adore has this thing they do whenever one of them says or does something kind of dumb. Rather than getting all bent out of shape over the other person’s offense, they simply ask, “Would you like a redo?” Man, how many times a day do I wish I could get a redo!The good news is that God is all about them. Over and over and over again he allows and offers us redos. Yes, sometimes there are consequences we have to face for our poor decisions. Sometimes he simply says, “Go and sin no more” (John 8:1-11).But never, ever does he say we’ve used up our last redo. Fresh starts, second chances (times 77), and new beginnings are kind of God’s thing: it’s called grace. And grace is a beautiful thing that brings hope to all circumstances.The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23Ashley Johnson — Managing Editor
Read more from Ashley here.

Something New Is in the WorksOne of the first rap music videos I worked on was with DC Talk for a song entitled “NuThang”. The music was catchy, their clothes very 90s, but even though today the video may not hold up, the truth will.As a young songwriter, TobyMac understood the reality of God’s never-ending faithfulness to begin a new thing. “But, look down through the ages, and you will find God doesn’t change, but He knows the time. From harp to piano, and song to rap Ya know, God’s wit’ us, so we can not lack. Ya know he’s doin’ it, God is doin’ a nu thang.”

At the time, God was doing a new thing through their music. A multi-racial group that included a rapper, two singers, dancers on stage with the rest of the instruments to support this musical genre was something fresh in the world of Christian music.

But what we came to realize is that the real new thing was taking place in our lives. When we understood our talents alone were lacking to complete the task at hand, God led the way, enabling us to begin again. When we recognized we were inadequate as we rode this wave of success, we understood God was not.

Each day facing new challenges, there were times we received accolades. Other times resistance, or even condemnation, that what we were doing had no place in the family of faith. But, God was faithful, supporting us when challenged, challenging us when we believed the accomplishments were our own. It was true then, and it is true today.

No matter what your life circumstances are, God is creating something special, unique, and entirely new. Fulfilling his purpose, if we seek and rely upon him. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV

Darlene Brock — Co-founder and President
Read more from Darlene here.

Embrace the Change You Want to MakeWe see it on the first day of January, every year. Social media becomes flooded with posts about the countless opportunities that await and the chance to create a year that’s unforgettable. For some, it’s more simple: “I’m kicking this habit tomorrow.”

New beginnings are a chance for us to carve out a part of our life that we’re not so proud of. It’s an opportunity to rebuild our behavior or our environment into a place where our past decisions and experiences are no longer able to haunt us. We can refine the person we want to be.

The beauty of starting over is that we don’t have to wait. Nobody is standing in front of us pointing sternly at a calendar date that seems eons away. We don’t need permission to make a change. If we want to alter the course of our life for the better in the next two minutes, we are free to do so.

But we don’t need to fear the outcome of a life change, because our stronghold is God. He is the one constant variable that never changes. The way he loved you before is the way he will love you now. When our new chapter seems daunting, God is only one prayer away.

And if our new beginning is a desire to see a change in ourselves, God gives us the strength to follow through whatever steps are necessary to achieve it. He creates in us a spirit of hope that refuses to see defeat. “…anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Tess Lopez — Content and Marketing Manager
Read more from Tess here.

New Mercies, Rest and AdventuresI’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best at “new” in life. New is typically accompanied by change. And change is typically accompanied by challenge. To be honest, we’re not speaking my love language here.

But new also means a fresh start, and that I do like. A chance to change your life for the better. A fresh cleansing breath after a bad moment, and the promise of a clean slate for tomorrow.

New doesn’t have to be a grand, life-changing gesture. New can mean making a conscious decision to change one small thing, and knowing it’ll have a ripple effect reaching those around you. New can mean a re-do. New can mean fresh mercies. New can mean an adventure for tomorrow, and rest for today.

Best of all, new isn’t scary when we remember God already knows our “new.” (And in the greatest way possible, He isn’t new.) With that point of view, I’m thankful for all the new, and the unending opportunities to choose new, because they’ve gotten me to where I am today.

So, if you’re like me, and the idea of a whole lot of “new” doesn’t necessarily excite you, take heart in the one who has already directed your new.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Bethany Gilliland — Social Media Manager
Read more from Bethany here.

Here are some more verses on starting over:You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. (Genesis 1:31a)A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34-35)

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 11:19)

And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. (2 John 1:5-6)

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. (Revelation 21:5)

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. (1 Peter 5:10)

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24)

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: New Year, Strong You! How to Reflect on Your Year in a Helpful Way – 114

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There’s something hopeful about a new year. Who doesn’t love a fresh start? A new year often incites determination to tackle big projects, resolution to make hard changes, and lofty dreams of what our renewed motivation and hard work might bring.

Maybe you plan to organize every room in the house over this next year, drop some of that holiday weight, or go after your dream job. Those are all great goals that you can achieve!

But have you considered focusing on the inner you—the part of you that has nothing to do with outward appearances?

Here are 4 truths you should know:1. You are valuable.
Not because you are beautiful, funny, smart, kind, helpful, hard-working, supermom, the perfect wife, or top of your class (although you may be all of those things!). You are valuable simply because you are you. You’re unique, with your very own DNA, fingerprints, mind, soul, and heart—none of which anyone else has had or ever will have again. You are one of a kind.

2. You have a purpose.There is a plan for your life, and because you are the one and only you, there are certain things that only you can do. You were placed on earth to fulfill that purpose.

3. You are full of grit.Every woman is. You may not realize it, but you are stronger than you think. You’ve come through every hard time you’ve faced so far, and you’ve probably learned a thing or two about yourself, life, or other people. It may not have been an easy or pleasant lesson—but it’s made you a stronger woman.

4. Never overlook grace.One small tip, don’t let the things that have made you strong make you bitter. A bitter woman may be strong, but she probably isn’t sharing her strength with anyone else. Allow grace to season your strength with kindness—for yourself and for others. It’s not always easy, but it’s really quite beautiful to live in the balance of grit and grace.

Why not make this new year the year that you stop focusing on your flaws (we all have them!), start noticing your inner beauty, and do your best to live your life with grit and grace!

—
Dar and Julie share their thoughts on what it means to be a strong woman:

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“Deal in reality yet keep the faith,” was the mantra of my pastor in downtown San Francisco during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Everyone suffered through it differently, some more than others. For me, the world seemingly descended into madness. The temptation was fight, flight, or freeze. As a flight attendant deemed “essential worker” amid the throes of 2020, I was forced between faith and fear every time I pinned on my wings. It was a choice between shutting my eyes or keeping them wide open.

Finding Footing Amid ChaosAs a flight attendant, being on the pandemic “front lines” taught me ways to practice peace. While Jesus was spirit-led in His pursuit of peace, He was also very intentional. In my life, the circumstances at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic were absolute madness. Something had to be done.

My church hadn’t met for more than a year in person, with lockdown protocols in the Bay Area stomping every hope we held of gathering. Over in Oakland, my firefighter husband found himself responding to calls as protests erupted into fires all around the angry, tired city. It was a daily choice between scrolling through the terrible news on all of my apps like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Citizen or preserving my quiet time and mental health. Under mandated “social interaction bubbles” limiting the number of face-to-face interactions we could have with family and friends, I was given the choice of isolation or reaching out via phone calls, Zoom meetings, or FaceTime.

My airline announced we were likely to be furloughed but offered a chance to work a maximum of 35 hours a month. Being provided with a letter explaining my essential worker status as cabin crew just in case I was pulled over by police officers wondering why I was “breaking the Bay Area COVID mandated curfews” was surreal. The planes were empty. The people angry. It felt apocalyptic. Cities were ghost towns. First responders like my fiancé saw humanity struggle more with businesses closing and cities morphing.

My pastor’s words resounded: “We deal in reality yet keep the faith.” He was describing that confident hope that calls us to believe in the unseen. We are called to contentment despite our circumstances.

So many of the previous “cliches” that I’d heard in the past about faith and hope became real as my regular life was stripped away. Peace was fleeting, causing me to dig in and discover the ways that Jesus kept His own. This God-turned-man was famous for sailing away, walking off, leaving the crowd, praying hard, and keeping a level-headed, calm aura about Him even with His own impending death looming. The more I read about His conduct, the more I saw intentional practices emerge for the pursuit of peace.

Practice Peace Like Jesus DidBoundary setting. With you and others. My phone became one of my worst enemies as it provided limitless access to the worst examples of everything going on in the world. There were a lot fewer people that I needed to say “no” to as I was isolated from the pandemic, but I learned really quickly that in my pursuit of peace, I was going to have to learn to say “no” to myself.

No, I didn’t need to keep scrolling. No, reading more facts and figures wasn’t going to enrich my life at that moment. No, I didn’t need to feed myself the information that was going to feed my anxiety and fear.

Doing right. The Bible says, “If someone knows to do right and does not do it, that is sin.” In this instance, I found that doing right meant doing what I knew I needed for my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing whether I felt like it or not. Doing right meant forcing myself to stay on a schedule even when the hours at home felt limitless. Doing right meant feeding my body the food that it needed nutritionally, not the quick fixes that I craved in the moment. I could choose Greek yogurt and frozen blueberries over ice cream. It was right for me at that moment.

Each of us has a Holy Spirit voice, a conscience or wisdom, that sends off little red flags or twinges when we aren’t doing “what we know is right.” God graciously reveals to us what that is.

For Mary in the Bible, sitting at Jesus’ feet was “doing right.” She was exactly where she needed to be. Every day, this calling manifested differently. I would phone a Christian friend. I would spend quality time unplugged from my devices in the Bible, in prayer, on long walks in the rolling hills of Napa Valley. I cooked, did yoga, focused mindfully on the beauty that still existed despite so much ugliness in the world.

Taking time out. It sounds ironic to advocate solitude in a time of isolation, but it was so important. While pursuing peace as a front-line worker during the pandemic, I saw there was a very real differentiation between isolation and solitude. Isolation felt forced, unproductive, sad and consisted of a lot of television watching and internet scrolling.

Solitude, on the other hand, felt like I was intentionally carving out space for God to work in my heart and mind. My solitude looked like morning devotionals on the back porch, long walks when the weather was cool, taking the time to inhale the smell of my cup of tea while I turned on my vinyl player with some Chopin or smooth jazz. Isolation felt removed from everyone, while solitude felt like a mindfulness practice where I’d allotted a special time to imbibe. Every one of us is different, but every one of us can feel the difference between isolation and solitude in our hearts and bodies.

Casting my cares. On days when the pandemic fatigue was maddening, I chose to do at least one thing to bolster my faith. Like flexing a muscle, that one exercise each day grew in strength. Prayer became more real, more powerful, more potent than it was in my life for a long time.

With other options so limited, I realized there was no more effective way to see situations changed than by going to God. It sounds so elementary, but there is a reason Jesus took the time to intentionally teach His disciples to pray. There is also a reason He deliberately asked them on multiple occasions to pray. It wasn’t at the forefront of their mind when circumstances got rocky. He knew it!

Just like any other muscle group, a confident hope must be stretched and worked out. This took the form of volunteering in the inner city of San Francisco with my church, feeding poorer neighbors and families struggling due to unemployment or isolation. Faith without works being dead, I found my prayers to see God moving in the city grew stronger as I got on the ground and worked alongside the people He was using to make this happen!

These days, the pandemic ramifications aren’t quite over for all of us. Flight hours increased, but the tensions of the traveling public remain high. The world is ready to travel again, but still needs time to heal mentally and emotionally. Cities are still devastated, with homelessness on the rise and small business owners out of work.

Rather than focusing on the loss, I choose daily to keep that faith in the unseen. I continue to train myself to identify and recognize the beauty in the unseen.

—
Do the world’s problems still seem a tad insurmountable? You’ll find encouragement in this podcast episode: How to Find Peace and Purpose in an Out of Control World with Dr Zoe – 164

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In the midst of life’s circumstances and the chaos that is our kids, spouse, job, bills, and home, it seems we are never quite at rest. Many people find peace to be a highly-esteemed, yet nearly unattainable, ideal. But we ladies at Grit and Grace Life believe otherwise: that God is able to meet us in the middle of our hectic lives and grant us peace in the way that only He can.

Here, the team shares Bible verses that remind them that peace is never truly far out of reach.

Peace in Troubled TimesIt seems more than ever that peace is an elusive feeling. Fears arise driven by news reports every day. But what often leads our fearful hearts are the uncertainties that plague our daily lives—finances, health, jobs, relationships, children.

So we pray, we plead, we take our worries to God, at times we all feel prayers were inadequate. As I look to him for answers, I remember this: it is not my prayers alone that will bring peace in my life. It is his prayers for me. Hebrews 7:25 says, “He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf” (NLT). “It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us” (Romans 8:34, NKJV).

Then I sing this old hymn that has brought peace to my heart so often: “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim. In the light of His glory and grace.” As my eyes turn heavenward, it is Jesus praying for me, I see. I’m not alone; he prays for you. He lives forever to intercede on our behalf. It is in that we can find peace.

Darlene Brock–Co-founder and President

Read more from Darlene here.

Peace in Painful TimesPeace is not the absence of pain or conflict or chaos. It’s not spa days or cozy snowed-in days or Fri-yays. It’s the presence of supernatural strength in the midst of your life’s greatest defeat. It’s having a sound mind while standing in the eye of a harrowing calamity. It’s falling into a deep sleep while lying in the belly of a ship that’s leaping and sinking because of a great storm. It’s a calm, quiet confidence when all visible evidence is damning. No, peace is not the absence of anything but the presence of something. Rather, it is the very presence of God in the heart of his child.

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you” (John 14:16-18).

This verse saved my life. In my most excruciating pain, I decided to open up a Bible, and this is what I read. It didn’t change my circumstances, my diagnosis, or give me answers about the future. But it did give me what I needed: God’s presence. He made a promise to me that day, to never leave me or forsake me, to advocate for me and to help me, and to dwell with me and to be with me forever. I met Jesus that day, and he gave me peace. It was all I really needed.

Ashley Johnson–Managing Editor

Read more from Ashley here.

Peace in Uncertain TimesI can’t think about peace without also thinking of faith. Faith is trusting in someone or something outside of yourself. It implies that you understand your own lack of control over your life (or anyone else’s!). What brings me the most peace is my faith—my faith in a good, big, loving God who does as he pleases and knows all of my needs, desires and already has the days of my life planned out. Psalm 139:16 says, “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

Because I believe this to be true, I can have peace because God is always at work. Of course I will experience, fear, anxiety, and worry, but when those things begin to creep in, I must remind myself that God has not changed, and cannot change (Malachi 3:6). Dr. Zoe reminds us often how our negative self-talk is so damaging, and the opposite is also true—speaking truth to yourself is life-giving!

When I am lacking peace in a circumstance, or facing a decision and feeling uncertain, I can ask God for peace. He loves to hear our prayers and because peace is also a fruit of the Spirit we can trust that he promises to give it.

I also grow in peacefulness when I spend regular time in the Word, because the more I know God, the more I trust him. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

If you do not feel at peace, I encourage you to pray, read, and trust that God sees you and even says that he himself is peace (2 Thessalonians 3:16: “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.”) And in the greatest act of pursuing peace with and for us, he sent his Son Jesus to be our peace!

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).

I pray that today you seek his peace, because he promises to give it.

Julie Bender–Co-Host of This Grit and Grace Life podcast

Read more from Julie here.

Peace in His ControlWhen I think of the word peace and what it’s come to mean in my life, I always fall back on the knowledge that God is still there. He is still in control. Even when I’m tumbling in the currents of “There’s not enough time” and “How can I afford this?” and “What’s going on in the world?”, I remember that he’s only a prayer away. He’s always waiting, ready to offer comfort and strength.

Immersing myself in the Word helps—reading his promises, reaffirming his truths and knowing that he cares about me (all of us!) too much to let me stumble. One verse I love in particular is this: “The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23). This verse reiterates his promised love, but it also generously reminds us that he will never turn away from us in times of trouble.

Tess Lopez–Content and Marketing Manager

Read more from Tess here.

Peace in His LoveWhen I think of the peace God has to offer, my mind immediately jumps to the old hymn, “It Is Well With My Soul.” I mean, that’s what peace is, right? Whatever the circumstances may be, I have peace that surpasses understanding and can rest in the Lord knowing that what he has ordained is good, and thus, well with my soul. Though I know at times this is a lot easier said than done (or felt).

Friends, I’ll be honest: I’ve never faced some of the incredibly challenging circumstances that I’ve seen many strong women in my life endure. While I haven’t personally been the one begging God for peace in those moments, I’ve learned a lot from the ladies who have.

We may not feel like God’s promises are ringing true in the moment. We may not feel like He is always with us. We may not feel an overwhelming sense of peace when facing giants. But God. They are, He is, and we can. To me, peace isn’t something unattainable or lofty. It’s simply finding complete rest in His promises.

My favorite verses that speak to this are Psalms 46:1-3, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

Bethany Gilliland–Social Media Manager

Read more from Bethany here.

Peace in Stressful TimesWhenever I am feeling off-kilter and in need of some peace in my life, I turn right to Psalms. Something about the poetry of the verses and the depth of the words speaks right to my soul. But there is nothing, no other verse that can calm me down as if I am in the very presence of God than Psalm 42:7, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls all your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

I can guess that my love for this verse is the sheer poetry of the wording. It reads just like the ocean, which always brings me peace. But more than that, the imagery of God’s waves and breakers, which are majestic and powerful, sweeping over me in my time of anxiety or fear brings me deep peace. The same God who owns the waterfalls and commands the seas also has me in his hand. This brings instant peace. I imagine myself being swept over by God’s love and I feel a peace that surpasses all understanding wash over me.

Meaghan Dawson–Contributing Writer

Read more from Meaghan here.

Here are some more verses to bring peace:Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:15)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:17-18)

Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. (Psalm 119:165)

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace—as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people. (1 Corinthians 14:33)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

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Want to be a strong woman of faith? You’ll love this podcast episode: Are You a Strong Woman of Grit and Grace? – 072

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Click here to read Part One of “What God Wants to Give Us for Christmas.*“*

I was so excited this past Christmas about the gift I selected for my husband! It was something he needed, never expected, and actually never considered. His home office chair was made up of bits and pieces from an 8-year-old chair and parts found at a thrift store. It worked and he was excited about his creation.

Yet I noticed that as he spent time in the chair, he slowly lowered. The hydraulics no longer worked. And at 6’2”, you need a chair’s hydraulics to work. Otherwise, you look like a giant sitting in a child’s chair—his knees creeping close to his ears.

So, his present was a leather desk chair. Of course, it came unassembled in a box—a very large, heavy box! And when you are trying to surprise a person, a large, heavy box is an obstacle. The store clerk loaded it into my car, it was unloaded at a friend’s house to wrap, reloaded by the same friends, and then I made my way home. Once there, I had this large wrapped present and no way to get in the house.

Standing at the tailgate of my car contemplating my challenge, my husband stepped out of the house. He asked, “Do you need help?” I reluctantly responded “yes,” but added, “Don’t shake it”—as if he could shake this thing.

We got it through the doorway, rested it on the floor near the Christmas tree, and stood back to take in the enormity of the box. My husband turned to me and with his boyish smile asked, “What is it? Is it for me?”

I responded, “You’ll have to wait for Christmas day, and yes, it is for you.”

For the next few days, he made statements about his present, speculated about its contents, and commented about the size and weight. I would catch him standing and staring at the box and then…

Christmas morning arrived.

He opened the big box last, still no clue about what was inside. His anticipation and excitement broke as he ripped open the wrapping paper to reveal his new office chair.

He was surprised. It was a practical gift; something needed, and it quickly became his “best” Christmas gift.

We Have Access to the Most Perfect GiftWe are always looking for the best gift. The one that tells the recipient you are special. As I slow my pace and consider the focus of the holiday, I am reminded that God in His goodness gave us His very best gift. One we could never have anticipated or even realized we needed but the ultimate gift, one He alone gives.

He created us in His image, in His likeness—the gift of life. And even when we disobeyed Him, wandered aimlessly through a desert wilderness, He was sovereign. He sent His Son that Christmas morning making a way to reconcile us with God—the gift of new life.

You must understand that from the day God created us, He knew we would reject Him. He was never taken by surprise, never stunned by our actions. He has always known our disobedience would lead to the ultimate gift, the life of His Son, through whom we can receive eternal life.

Hundreds of years before Jesus crucifixion, Isaiah prophesied:

(5) “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

(6) “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all…”

(12) “Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.” Isaiah 53:5-12, (NIV)

Take a minute to allow that to sink in. God never had a plan B; He has always known that Christmas would lead to crucifixion, a sacrifice that led to the best gift: the gift of eternal life.

Romans 5:6-8 says:

(6) “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. (7) Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.”

(8) “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us… (21) so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

The greatest gift: Our sins are forgiven, and we have eternal life with our Father.

As we close this year, I encourage you to remember God’s great love for you, from the creation of the world and throughout history.

A Prayer for Eternal LifeIf you’ve never received Jesus as your personal Savior, it’s a simple heart-felt prayer away (a conversation with Jesus). You can pray something like this:

“Jesus, I know that I am a sinner. Please forgive my sins. I believe you died for my sins and rose from the dead. I want to leave my old life and cling to you. Please come into my heart and direct my life. I trust you as my Lord and Savior. Amen”

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Realizing God’s love for us makes life brighter! Here’s some advice for centering Him as we enjoy all parts of our busy lives: A Well Loved Grit and Grace Life With Heather Brown – 151

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It’s winter in East Tennessee. I’m not sure if it’s the holidays approaching, home sickness, my first job working outside the home or the fact that I am living in a travel trailer with our twins and small dog, but the reminder comes daily: It’s just a season.

My husband and I either coined the phrase or grabbed it from some wise voice along the way to guide us through some of the hardest moments we have faced. In those moments, we would share those words of wisdom with our twins, telling them not to worry, that it’s just a season.

It’s Just a Season……When our home burned down, and we were in a hotel with makeshift Christmas trees awaiting new shelter.

…When we were in the rental home, and it seemed like it took forever to get the home rebuilt.

…When the pandemic happened shortly after we moved into our home, and friends and family had to isolate.

…When we packed up that perfectly good home to move here.

…When we are forced inside due to brisk weather, I remind them and myself: It’s just a season.

If I could explain how I feel metaphorically, I’d say that I feel like a transition sentence. I am not what was just said, yet I am also not what is going to be said. I am here in the middle, touching both with my arms extended—growing, learning, waiting. Waiting to ripen I suppose. After all, it’s just a season.

Choose to Find Joy in the WaitingWhen this season ends and is replaced by one of light and joy, we need to be more aware of that. It’s in those light seasons we will appreciate our strength and be glad we didn’t quit, or give up, or lose faith.

It’s just a season for us right now. A tight, crowded season and we are all learning to be more patient (or not) with each other.

We will look back at this time when our build is done and be so thankful for the space, but also so proud of ourselves for making the sacrifice it took to get there. I think our family has learned a valuable lesson after the fire season. It isn’t about the finish line. Do not focus on some future goal or place to make you happy. Choose happy now. Happy in the morning coffee, in the fall colors, in the blessing of another day. Otherwise, the happy that you chase is like a mirage that keeps getting pushed back behind some thing, or some goal. Be happy in this season.

To those facing a hardship, a loss or dark times: It’s just a season. It’s during these seasons that build our character. Moving into the home didn’t stretch me; it didn’t force me to my knees to pray for strength. The waiting did that.

It’s in the waiting-room seasons that we grow and change and get stronger. It’s in the seasons like these that we contemplate what is truly important and what matters the most.

I love the fall and spring. Spring brings growth and hope for a new. But fall. Fall brings comfort. Fall brings a warm blanket and all the colors that my soul loves to bask in. It’s a great time of reflection for many of us. What did the year bring? What did I want to do that I didn’t or what could I have done differently?

Let’s also start to look at how far we have come. How kind we were to the stranger, how we helped the new neighbor. Let’s start to measure our worth differently in the fall. Let’s not chase things or status, but humanity and kindness—how much of that did we dish out this year? I wish this actual season lasted longer than just a season.

It is, in fact, going to end, and the colors I bask in will become iced-over branches longing for spring, but until that day I will enjoy the fall. Hard season and all.

Whatever season you are in right now—dark or light—enjoy it. Enjoy the light seasons. I pray they go ever so slow, and you get to bask in them for a while. And in the darker seasons, I pray that you remind yourself and those around you:

We got this…it’s just a season.

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Here are some of our favorite tips for seeing the good in difficult seasons: What Does Optimism Bring to a Woman’s Life? – 184

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“And there were in the same country, shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not. For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord,'” (Luke 2:8-14).

This memorable verse from Luke—which Linus proudly recites in A Charlie Brown Christmas to explain the true meaning of the holiday—states clearly where we are to find our greatest joy. It’s easy to say we’re joyful as we coast into another Christmas season, but joy isn’t meant to be experienced temporarily, or only in times where everything is going well. When we rest confidently in “the glory of the Lord,” we can experience joy all year long, even during our trials and hardships.

So, settle in with your favorite blue blanket and see what verses the team at Grit and Grace Life likes to read about joy.

Joy for the LostIf you’re a child in the era of Sunday School, you probably heard the story about Zacchaeus. If not, it is a great story well worth the read. A simple lost human, who did what he could to see Jesus and got more than he expected. “When Jesus came by, he looked up at Zacchaeus and called him by name. ‘Zacchaeus!'” he said. “‘Quick, come down! I must be a guest in your home today.’ Zacchaeus quickly climbed down and took Jesus to his house in great excitement and joy,” (Luke 19:5-6, NLT).

I have always looked at that story thinking about the effort made by this short yet influential man. His desire to change his life, to make restitution for his wrong, and willingly become a new man. But one phrase I had not pondered was “took Jesus to his house in great excitement and joy.”

In this busy Christmas season, when I am celebrating the birth of our Savior, do I bring him into my home with great excitement and joy? As guests are gathered and presents unwrapped, is he a welcome participant in my festivities? Not only do I welcome him, but I hope that I delight in him and what he has done for us. In this season, I want to treat him with the excitement and joy he deserves, for he truly is the source of all “Joy to the World.”

Darlene Brock—Co-founder and President

Read more from Darlene here.

Joy for the DistressedPsalm 4:7 declares, “You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.” There is something about the undeniable joy that Christians have in the midst of what would otherwise break the human spirit that does more to the watching world than any other spectacle. Because really, joy in the midst of devastation doesn’t make sense to the mortal mind.

But God draws near to his sheep when they walk through the valley, and they tend to feel his presence more keenly in the darkness than they do in pleasant pastures. That is the key to this perplexion: God’s presence. It is the presence of the Lord that produces joy—greater joy than any earthly comfort.

Yet, God is not just some sort of a consolation prize for a difficult life. Rather, he is the Author of Life and in him we find our meaning. In his presence we experience life-changing grace and breathtaking love. Oh, what joy! Psalm 16:11 says, “in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” To know God is to be filled and overflowing with joy in a world that is otherwise hollow.

Ashley Johnson-Managing Editor

Read more from Ashley here.

Joy for All TimesPsalm 63:8 says, “My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”

How do I find joy? How can I keep it? I can’t keep it, but it is kept for me. Because this verse says He upholds me! Since I am secured by the God who made me, who sees my fears and faults and yet fully embraces and loves me faithfully, I can have full and lasting joy. Doesn’t matter if I’m facing my darkest day or I’m currently renting space on Easy Street. Circumstances don’t dictate joy. Having my identity and eternity founded in the Creator of the universe does.

Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning…You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever! (Psalm 30:4-5, 11-12)

Julie Bender, Podcast co-host

Read more from Julie here.

It is the presence of the Lord that produces joy—greater joy than any earthly comfort.

Eternal JoyJoy: (noun): the emotion evoked by well-being, success, good fortune or the prospect of possessing what one desires.

For years I misunderstood this word. I confused it with happiness. I confused it with my feelings. I confused it for a lot of things. But joy, true joy as I understand it now, comes only from knowing just of how deeply we are loved by a steadfast and faithful God.

Joy is a steady-state, brought about by this assurance, and this assurance only: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

I cannot lose this. I cannot break it. I cannot throw it, sink it, float it, or drop it. There is nothing I can do to lose this love. And from this assurance comes joy, friends. Joy because it’s a steady-state. No matter what else happens in my life, no matter the hardship, no matter the pain, this is enough.

Meaghan Dawson

Read more from Meaghan here.

Source of JoyMaybe this is a stretch, but what comes to mind when I think of joy is the old hymn “It Is Well With My Soul.” Have I written about this song before? Maybe, but hear me out.

The joy Jesus has to offer is so radically different than that of the world because it can be experienced in the darkest of times… Often, it’s actually realized most in the darkest of times. Joy doesn’t fade on a bad day; it doesn’t rely on circumstance; it’s not easily taken away. Joy makes whatever it is, well with my soul.

As Christians, we receive the honor of holding fast, through all of life’s days, to the very essence of Jesus: joy. Joy relies on Jesus. Joy brings life. Joy shows on your face. Oh, what joy to have unexplainable peace, fullness, and pleasure in the presence of the Lord. It’s hard to understand, but it’s far from unrecognizable. Seek and you shall find.

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11

Bethany Gilliland – Social media manager

Read more from Bethany here.

Joy in His WordIf I could cite the entire Bible as my favorite verse (or should I say verses) on joy, I would. I’ve once heard the Bible described as God’s love letter to his children, and as I’ve grown in my faith over the years through studying His Word, it’s impossible to deny that the Bible was written out of anything but love. The Bible teaches us how to walk in faith, releasing our troubles and trusting God for his care and his comfort. Seeing those affirmations of love every time I pull back that leather-bound cover brings me joy.

But if I had to narrow it down to a verse or two that grounds me further into my faith, it would be these: “The fear of man brings a snare, but I lean on, trust in, and put my confidence in the Lord, and I am safe and set on high,” (Proverbs 29:25, NLT) and “For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love,” (Romans 5:5, NLT).

In these verses, God promises to love us and keep us safe. Nothing in this world is so burdensome that our faith in God can not carry us through it. So why not be joyful? Why not go out each day believing the best in ourselves and all that we can live up to? We have our biggest supporter in God, and that’s pretty exciting.

Tess Lopez– Content and Marketing Manager

Read more from Tess here.

More verses that will spark joy:Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. (Habakkuk 3:17-18)

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. (John 16:24)

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians (5:22-23)

Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. (Psalm 119:111)

But godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Timothy 6:6)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2-3)

Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. (Ecclesiastes 9:7)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad. (Psalm 118:24)

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You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: 5 Philosophies You Need for Your Grit and Grace Life – 083

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​​Christmas is days away and I am so excited about sharing this special day with my husband and family.

The year started as the previous. A time of anticipation, yet each day filled with the comfortable routine of the past. Until a burning pain in my chest turned my normal into a test of trust.

I had felt the pain before and knew I needed to get to the hospital. Physicians quickly realized the stent placed to repair a blockage in my heart had failed. Surgery was required.

I kissed my husband, climbed onto the gurney, and was whisked away to the surgical suite.

Life Is a Gift!Several hours later, I woke to the chirping and pinging of machines. One was breathing for me, others were monitoring my progress. Tubes and wires ran in and out of my body and I oscillated between feeling like I was submerged in an ice bath to roasting in an oven.

My heart was healthy and strong and the blockage repaired.

Life. Is. A. Gift!

Just three short days following surgery, I was discharged. I cradled a heart-shaped pillow to protect my incision, a task especially difficult when my husband would make me laugh. I also embraced a changed perspective.

Before the heart-burn, I was self-reliant, often pushing beyond my physical limitations, and dig-your-heels-in determined—both characteristics that can be positive unless pushed to the extremes. I pushed them beyond the boundaries.

Following the surgery, I was forced to sit patiently and allow my body and mind to heal. I watched as my husband decorated the tree and others helped wrap packages and decorate the house. It is funny how priorities shift, perspective shifts (really everything shifts) when faced with your mortality.

Christmas is a time of giving, including giving gifts that reflect your feelings for the recipients. We spend hours scanning the internet and strolling the malls to find that perfect present.

God gave me a gift that demonstrated His amazing love for me. He used the hands of a skilled surgeon to heal a heart hardened by pride, blocked by the consequences of living in an imperfect world, and broken from my poor choices.

God gave me new life.

I am grateful.

We are thankful.

I am forever changed.

New Life that Brought Hope and TransformationSome two thousand years ago, a baby boy was born in a humble stable. Wrapped in cloth and placed in a manger—the Savior of the world.

His parents hovered close; they had encountered the angels and listened intently when told about His purpose. What a life-altering gift that first Christmas.

I doubt anyone witnessing this infant fully grasped the enormity of the event. Jesus, God’s Son, took on human form to offer a broken world new life.

(4) “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, (5) to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.”

(6) “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, ‘Abba, Father.’ (7) So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” Galatians 4:4-7, NIV

New Life Has Been Offered to UsDuring this season, I am drawn to the manger scene. Baby Jesus, shepherds, and that bright shining star. But long before the wise men offered their precious presents, before a timely trip to Bethlehem, before Mary and Joseph, God gave us His first gift. The gift of life.

(26) “Then God said, ‘Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and overall the creatures that move along the ground.’”

(27) “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”

(28) “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'” Genesis 1:26-28

The Gift that Keeps On GivingGod gave each of us an amazing gift—the opportunity of new life. He chose us to occupy space and time with Him. He offered us intimacy, a relationship, a garden filled with His created beauty, communion with our Creator. And then He offered us purpose—multiply, fill the earth, and rule over it.

Genesis 2:7 shares, “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”

Can you imagine the scene? God kneeling on the ground. He scoops dirt from the earth and forms a man. He then bends close and breathes life into his lungs. A creation of love—the first human. The origin of our lives.

And then:

(21) “…God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.”

(22) “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” Genesis 2:21-22

God fashioned you and me (women) out of the man he formed, a single rib—our life.

Please don’t lose sight, with the busyness of the Christmas season, the gift-giving, the parties, the expectations, and inevitable disappointments—that thousands of years ago, God gave us the most amazing gift: the gift of new life, born in His image and bearing His likeness, and ultimately transformed. No longer enslaved by sin, controlled by our fears, confined to the world’s definitions, or imprisoned by unattainable expectations. Our faith and trust in Jesus bring newness. He repairs our broken hearts and sets us free.

Check back next Sunday for Part 2 of “What God Wants to Give Us for Christmas.”

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If you’re struggling to picture the fullness of God, who gave us the gift of new life, then you’ll love this podcast episode: Who Is God Really? with Christian Bevere – 169

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At The Grit and Grace Project, our goal has always been to encourage. We want women to know that they are both cherished and strong, that our life circumstances don’t define us, and that we are more than our challenges. We share our stories with honesty and transparency to build up a community of women we know can change the world.

We are looking for partners who share our beliefs. Those who have been inspired by the things they have read, the stories they have heard. Who have found wisdom to help in their grit and grace life, and want to help us continue this mission, creating a safe place to deal with the challenges life brings.

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With each donation, you are enabling us to reach someone’s heart the way we reached yours. Every time you give, you help us engage with more strong women, encourage those who want to be strong, and meet those who are everywhere in between.

We can change the world, one woman at a time. To do that, we need your help. Whether a one-time gift of any amount or monthly contributions, you are investing in the lives of the women we reach. Together, we will touch another woman’s heart, one just like yours.

Help us grow in 2023!

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Tomorrow, I return to the working world for the first time since I left J.P. Morgan Chase in 2014 to be a stay-at home mom to my twins. I have never regretted that decision, even in the moments where I could not afford a purchase or in the tantrum-riddled days where I could not seem to catch my breath until they were fast asleep. Looking back on these last 8 years, it all went so fast.

A Helpful Flamingo AnalogyMy niece recently shared with me a little trivia about flamingos and how they lose their pink color while taking care of their young. As the flamingos start to get more independent, the mama starts to get her pink back.

I am so grateful for the analogy as I prepare to return to work outside the home. It has helped remind me that its okay to accept the position right now. That my babies are children, and they are growing more independent every day. That is the saddest part of motherhood—our job is to raise them to not need us.

I have prayed and thought of this very position since the twins started first grade: “How great would it be if I could go back to banking while they are in school?” And as much as I have thought of this, I was not planning for it now.

God Decided I Was Ready to Get My Pink BackMy family and I just relocated to Tennessee from California, and we are living in a travel trailer while we buy some land and build a barndominium. So, God has a great sense of humor and gives me this gift now. Apparently, he thinks it’s a good time for me to get my pink back and return to work outside the home. And I am going to go with it. He has not failed us yet.

For my family, it’s a great fit. I am aware not all of us get that lucky. Some mamas have had to drop off her littles way too soon for her heart. And some mamas wish they could work outside the home. Either way, there is no perfect mama.

We all lose our pink and we all need to get it back. Having a baby and raising a family takes every waking moment of our energy some days. I have always tried to remember that I cannot pour from an empty pitcher. This has helped me remember to practice self-care so that I can better love my family.

Tomorrow has come too soon for this mama’s heart. As excited as I am to return to banking and the adult world of employment for actual currency and not just hugs and kisses. I am reminded that it means my littles are turning into big’s before my very eyes.

Mama: Choose to Enjoy Where You’re AtWhy must we choose as women to be good at one thing or another? Why do we feel pressure to make money when we’re home but feel guilt while at work?

I am excited for this next season of my life where I can earn some money and help others with something I am passionate about. I have spent many days and hours taking care of my family, and the reality is that although I start a job outside the home tomorrow, I have many years ahead of me with my current role. The mother is the heart of the home and for me, that will always be my favorite position. Even the pay has its perks.

So as this mama starts to get her pink back, I will try not to cry for the time that has gone too fast but look forward in excitement for the times that are coming in the home, in my career, and all the things between. This mama is getting her pink back and I couldn’t be more grateful for the journey.

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Does motherhood ever feel more challenging than you’d anticipated? We hope you find encouragement in this story: How Do I Overcome Destructive Anger and Burnout in Motherhood? with Natalie Hixson – 201

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I grew up in a toxic family. My childhood is riddled with unimaginable abuse, trauma, a lack of stability and yet, in some ways, I consider myself privileged.

Did we have money? No. A majority of the time six of us lived in a 24-foot travel trailer, in RV parks, in whatever town my dad was currently working. Our family was made up of my dad, mom, two sisters and one brother. I am the oldest and my brother is the youngest. We are 10 years apart.

Our family was somewhere between dirt poor and middle class. My dad was a boilermaker so we moved wherever the next job was. I went to kindergarten in two different states and didn’t actually finish that grade.

The longest stretch we lived anywhere, was when we moved to Washington state. I was 15. I am the only one left in my family still living in Washington.

Different from Everyone ElseGoing to school, I knew I was different from other kids. Most of the students I went to school with had been in attendance most of their lives. They had connections, friendships, and history with each other. I felt like an outcast because I was always the new girl and terribly shy. Making friends was hard for me.

I was also plagued with thoughts that people could see that something was wrong with me, that I wore some sort of a scarlet letter because of the abuse. I also thought I was tainted, broken, and unlovable. Who would want to be my friend?

Looking at the definition, you may be asking why I consider myself privileged:

priv·i·lege [ˈpriv(ə)lij] NOUN
a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group:
an advantage or source of pleasure granted to a person: It’s my privilege to be here.

Childhood was filled with trauma and instability, but because of my dad’s profession, it allowed us to travel filling it with experiences that most will never have.

My Experiences Gave Me PerspectiveI used to be quite jealous of people who had friendships from childhood. They had deep connections that I so longed for. At least that’s what I thought. I didn’t realize how shallow some of the kids I went to school with were. The kind of relationships I longed for were at a depth that I couldn’t completely understand until I was much older, and wiser.

However, my childhood was rich in experiences that most will only get to experience through movies and TV. For instance, I went to see the movie “Where The Crawdads Sing,” and it touched me on a level that I don’t think anyone else seated in the theater with us could feel.

I owned a shirt identical to one worn by the young character in the beginning of the movie. I recognized it right away and was instantly transported back to the second grade. I remember how that shirt felt on my skin. The fabric was soft, a little stretchy, and the thread pattern throughout the shirt made it feel like little puffs of clouds sewn together. It awakened a memory in me that honestly warmed my heart and sparked a part of my life that has been buried by time I wanted to pause time for just a moment and sit in that feeling of nostalgia.

While I have never been to the North Carolina swamp or marsh lands, I have lived in other places where the scenes of the trees dripping with moss brought back happy memories of playing with my sister. In that moment, I could feel the heaviness of the humid southern air. The noises of the birds, frogs, and other creatures sounded like familiar songs of another lifetime.

My sister Barbara and I used to catch lightning bugs in jars while playing outside in the evenings. It was so magical to watch them and when we held them in our hands it felt as though we were part of their magic. (Don’t worry, we released them before we went in for the night.)

People will watch movies and there will be a poor family that eats nothing but rice and beans. They won’t know how good that meal is, or how comforting it can be to smell a pot of beans cooking on the stove, hoping there is a big chunk of ham hock simmering in the middle and lending its salty flavor to the beans.

Most of my west coast friends have never truly tasted authentic East Coast pizza. The house my mom grew up in was in an Italian neighborhood. Some of the neighbors were not just of Italian descent but were born in Italy. Oh, how I loved listening to their thick accents.

The front porch was where we gathered in the evenings to sip iced tea and chat. Okay, so it was mostly the adults, but as a kid, I would try to sit and eavesdrop on the conversations.

God created this amazingly beautiful and diverse world. I wonder how much compassion, love, and empathy we could show one another if we all truly spent time experiencing different cultures and seeing the world through the eyes of others.

I Saw the Beauty in My Unstable UpbringingAgain, you may be asking how this makes me feel privileged. I believe it’s my perspective. Since our home was on wheels, we either lived in or at least drove through most states. I have experienced breathtaking sunrises with my dad while the rest of our family slept and seen Nashville lit up at night—all from the front seat of our truck.

I don’t want to romanticize the nomad life. It was hard to not have the stability that other kids had. I am, however, choosing to see the blessings of the life I did have rather than focus on it in a negative light. Heavily influenced by this lifestyle, I have been given great empathy for humanity. What a precious gift empathy is.

While I don’t want to dismiss the sad and difficult times in my journey, because they were just that—sad and very hard to navigate. I didn’t want to stay there. That would just perpetuate the cycle. So, I looked for the joy in my journey. One small nugget at a time, that perspective gave me the eyes to see the privilege I had, giving me the strength, hope, grit and grace to break the cycle and grow a healthier branch of my family tree.

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Don’t believe you have the power to shift your perspective? Think again—music superstar Mandisa shares how: Do I Still Have Time to Rewrite My Life Story? with Mandisa – 192

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‘Concerned but Hopeful’ Asked:Dr. Zoe,

As a mother and grandmother, I feel we are in uncharted territory in our culture. The innocence of children seems to be robbed from them in the world they live in, through every medium and outside influence they encounter.

I believe that we can not nor should escape the culture in which we live, isolating ourselves from everyone that we disagree. But how do we as parents and grandparents protect while we prepare this young generation? How do we help them develop standards and integrity while instilling compassion and understanding within them?

I think most mothers and grandmothers could sure use some guidance.

Dr. Zoe Answered:I’m glad to hear that you are hopeful. Our children and grandchildren are growing up in a world vastly different than the media-disconnected one in which we were raised. So many parents choose fear and anger instead of hope.

I do believe that we have an obligation to shelter them in their younger years and gradually release the reigns as they grow. But our connected world dictates that some things can not be avoided (as long as we would like). Our children will be exposed to ways of thinking and living that you may not have been exposed to until adulthood. This will in many ways shape their lens in ways that we don’t understand.

Conversations about the hard topics are much more effective than sheltering them from it. A child who feels open to discuss what they are seeing and experiencing is in the least amount of danger. A child who knows their caretakers will be upset or indignant will learn to shut up and try to figure things out on their own.

It’s crucial that we explain our world view and how it developed. It’s crucial that we ground our teachings in solid experience and scripture, not just a feeling or opinion. If we express our opinions, it’s important that we make it clear that they are opinions, not facts.

It is even more important that we separate our talking from our listening.

Our best defense is to listen. Ask questions, take the time to understand their ideas, thoughts and influences. We often rush to lecture. I am so guilty of this. We want to make sure we are pouring all the right things into their little psyche, without realizing that they have a lot to say and that it will inform what we need to say.

The hardest thing as a mama is to hide the shock in my head as my children give me a little TMI regarding all of the things they see and hear in the world.

We must model the behavior we teach without judgement and criticism of others who think and choose differently. This generation sniffs out hypocrisy like a hound dog. The best thing is to accept that their culture is different than ours and there are many valid aspects of it, despite how alien they seem to us.

Remember, it is a healthy part of their development to challenge your beliefs. Welcome it instead of fearing it. A challenged faith is a healthier, stronger faith. If our children rotely believe what we tell them without challenge, their integrity lacks the depth needed to withstand the storms when we aren’t around.

We don’t need to judge others in order to have integrity and morality. We simply need to have a standard for ourselves that we model for our children and the world. We can teach acceptance of others and their views and lifestyles at the same time that we explain God’s perfect will for humankind, which will never come to fruition until we are all with him again.

I think it is also important to expose our young children and young adults to others closer to their age who are on fire for God, who posses a high moral integrity and compass that may be a bit counter cultural.

Jackie Hill Perry, the author of Gay Girl, Good God: The Story Of Who I Was, and Who God Has Always Been is an excellent example of a woman that the younger generation can relate to. She talks about difficult subjects, from the perspective of having lived in the culture—yet she doesn’t denigrate the culture and instead, empathizes with it. She is on fire for God and is a beautiful testimony.

The truth is, our children and grandchildren can not relate to us and our experiences on all levels because they live in a different world than we did. This is not a deficit in either of us, but just a natural multigenerational process. It is okay. We can expose them to people who they can relate to, which will only strengthen, confirm and reinforce the messages they are hearing from us.

As a mama, I feel your pain. Keep your ears open and reign in your judgement and you and your little ones will thrive.

You’ve got this. It just takes a little grit and grace.

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Love!

The word itself sends a warm, tingly feeling up our spines. What joy it is to love and be loved! There’s even an entire day of the year dedicated to this all-consuming phenomenon. But love can also be one of life’s greatest lessons. Wouldn’t it be much easier if there were guidelines that showed what love really is, how it can be accepted and paid forward?

Well, we’re in luck, friends. The Bible covers it all, from loving God, to loving our families and our neighbors. The Grit and Grace Life team share their favorite verses on this special subject.

Love Is the Whole PointI remember when I first starting living for Jesus. I had “been a Christian” for a while but it didn’t really affect my daily life until I came to college and began being discipled, surrounded by Christians who loved God and lived for him Monday through Saturday, too. My college pastor said a simple phrase that to this day, I still repeat to myself often. When I’m not sure what to say to a friend (or foe), or I’m confused about how to move forward with a decision, or if I’m unsure of the direction I should be taking…

“Love God, love others”

If every action I take is motivated by a biblical love (Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5), then I’m where God wants me. And I’m bringing him glory (which is my main goal in life.)

The Bible is full of ways we can honor God, and what he wants us to do while we’re here on Earth, but ultimately, the Bible is a love story. A story he’s invited us into, and to be a part of sharing with others. We’re loved, so we love him and his people.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Julie Bender — Co-Host of This Grit and Grace Life
Read more from Julie here.

How to Love our Family of FaithFamilies are messy. Nearly without exception, some members are delightful, encouraging. Others want to argue and judge often, determined to divide and all around make everyone a little crazy. It is no different in our family of faith. When we begin a relationship with Christ, we gain the honor of becoming children of God, members of a vast, diverse, cross-cultural, and cross-generational family. But as children of God, we also acquire siblings.

God has something to say about how we handle this family we may not have realized we joined, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8, NLT)

Every newly acquired brother and sister created in the image of God has personality traits, abilities, and a unique purpose to fulfill. We are also at different places in life with a vast array of life views and opinions. This fact alone can cause division, the very thing God despises (1 Corinthians 1:10). Instead of looking at our faith family in doubt and frustration, we are asked to love them, deeply love them. When we do, sins are covered. What would it look like if we did exactly that? Not only would we build unity, but we would help in covering sin, ours and theirs.

Darlene Brock — Co-founder and President
Read more from Darlene here.

Love for One and All“One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question:“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:35-40

Whenever I read these verses, I’m always pleased with how well Jesus handled the situation placed before him. A Pharisee is trying to throw Jesus off, to force him into murky waters by asking him to choose which of God’s holy commandments is superior to the rest (um, how about all of them?!).

I can picture the Pharisee leaning back with a smirk on his face, waiting for Jesus to stumble. But without hesitation, Jesus replies that we are to love God with every thought that races through our minds; in every thing we say; and in every thing we do. And we’re not to stop there—we’re to treat everyone we come across with the same kindness and respect we have for ourselves.

I think the reason Jesus was able to supply an answer so easily was because he knew that if people loved God and others perfectly, obedience to the other commandments would simply follow suit. Nobody would murder if they loved others. They wouldn’t commit idolatry if God was their No. 1. But humanity isn’t perfect, and Jesus knew that. So he gave us the guidelines of loving God first, then our neighbor, knowing that if we strive for these, we can come pretty close to mirroring his own walk on earth.

We jump at that first commandment by attending church and praying fervently, but all too often, we forget that Jesus followed it up with one that was “equally important”: loving our neighbor. It’s easy to focus our attention on loving our spouse or our children, but how are we actively loving our neighbor?

Letting a stranger have that parking spot, or bringing a coworker a cup of coffee are simple ways to show love. Sometimes, just lending a listening ear is what somebody is desperately aching for. Refraining from gossip; taking an extra moment to think about what we’re about to say before we say it, lest we hurt someone and regret it later.

In the same way the spirit leads us to become more conscious of sinning against God, so we should work to become more conscious of how we’re treating others. Let’s not allow that Pharisee to have the last word. Pour out love to God and to your neighbor and watch all the ways it will be returned to you.

Tess Lopez — Content and Marketing Manager
Read more from Tess here.

Love Makes You Do Crazy ThingsI have always loved this quote by Freud (yes, Freud!), “How bold one gets when one is when sure of being loved.” Lay aside any thoughts or feelings you hold about the man and think about the implications of this statement.

Growing up, my parents’ unconditional love gave me the courage to ask them for help with problems I was scared to talk about because they had proven to love me simply because I was me, and I was theirs. My husband’s loyal love allowed me to make life-altering decisions for our family because I was secure in knowing that no matter what changed, our relationship would remain. And God’s love for me… Well, that has caused me to do all kinds of crazy (and wonderful) things. Why? Because I am sure that he loves me; the Bible tells me so.

He created me with thought and care and loves me exactly the way I am.For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7

He gave up his life so that we could have a personal relationship.Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. 1 John 3:16

He committed to me forever and sealed my fate.In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit Ephesians 1:13

Ashley Johnson — Managing Editor
Read more from Ashley here.

Unfailing LoveIsn’t it true that we throw the word “love” around pretty loosely these days? I love ice cream, fall days, my family, and my friends. But the more love you give in this world, the more vulnerable you are to heartbreak, right? Ice cream melts, fall days turn to winter, and people aren’t perfect.

Not so with God’s love, though. It doesn’t ever falter, fail, or disappoint. It’s not conditional. It doesn’t have to be earned. And it can’t possibly be lost. This is revealed time and time again in the Bible and can honestly be hard to wrap your mind around. But it is. God is love, and God loves you. And it’s through actions of His love (Jesus on the cross) that we can know Him, rely on Him, and be called His.

Get this: You can never be too scared, too fearful, too angry, too hurt, too broken, too anxious, too depressed, too indebted, too mistaken, too fallen, or too wrong to lose God’s love. Your fear, pain, mistakes, family history, past, present, scars, sin, and brokenness are all welcome in the love of God.

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations. Deuteronomy 7:9

Bethany Gilliland — Social Media Manager
Read more from Bethany here.

Unshakeable LoveI used to think that I could outrun God’s love. I don’t know if it was a sign of the doctrine of the times or if it was the particular message my heart embraced, but I was in a desperate cycle of salvation for most of my teen years well into early adulthood.

I would get “saved.”

Then sin. (Because, duh, I’m human.)

Then get “saved” again.

I had this image in my head of a tiny little Jesus coming into my heart with a broom and sweeping away all of the bad stuff every time I messed up. (I’ve clearly always had an overactive imagination.) The problem was, I kept messing up. And I began to think his broom must have been mighty threadbare with all of that sweeping. So, at some point, I stopped asking. I mean, Jesus probably needed a break from all of that sinning I was doing to lose my salvation on the daily, right?

But I know now that God’s love doesn’t stop when you mess up. It doesn’t come in, clean you up, and then walk away once you make another mess. It’s not a one and done. It’s not asking for perfection. God knows us too well for that. If we could be perfect, his grace wouldn’t be necessary.

God’s love is unshakable. Unshakable. You think he’s shocked by what you’ve done? He’s not. Think he’s stopped loving you because of it? He hasn’t. Even if the mountains are shaking because you started it yourself, he’s still here. That’s how his love and grace work.

You are never too far gone for God’s unshakable love. It’s here, in the form of a man named Jesus who laid it all on the line. He’s not asking you to be perfect and never curse in the carpool line or get angry or feel any of the bad things, he’s asking you to believe in him enough to trust that he paid for it all. All of it.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken. Isaiah 54:10

Meaghan Dawson — Contributing Writer
Read more from Meaghan here.

Here are some more verses on love:Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Proverbs 3:3-4

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 1 John 4:16

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 2 Peter 1:5-7

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. Psalm 63:3-4

But you, O Lord, are a God of compassion and mercy, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

—You’ll love this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: How to Handle Real-Life Struggles That Challenge Your Faith – 112!

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“The most powerful stories may be the ones we tell ourselves.” —Brené Brown¹

It wasn’t the loaves of homemade bread she’d bake for our family, the way she’d serve me Ovaltine in bed before school, nor the daily schlepping to swim practices and other after-school activities. These acts of devotion certainly made her a fantastic mother, but what earned her the title of “The World’s Greatest Mom” was largely due to the stories she told. With creativity and ease, her words flowed into dashing tales around similar themes.

There was always a high-stakes rescue coupled with unassuming heroes who overcame weaknesses, flaws, and fears. Even though the settings, outlying characters, and storylines varied each time, the hero protagonists did not — they were always my mom, sister, and myself. Mom’s fantasy chronicles remain archived in my memory bank 30 years later. I try to replicate and re-tell them to my daughters, yet my tales fall flat and don’t hold the same magic as my mother’s.

Undoubtedly, one of the greatest gifts handed to humanity is our innate ability to get lost in a good story. I feel fortunate I experienced this at a young age. Through the art of storytelling, intrigue and entertainment sweep us up and reel us in. For brief moments of our lives, we are sucked into the vortex of Story.

In their most potent form, they teach us about ourselves, others, and our world. Similar to the impact Mom’s bedtime stories left on my juvenile mind, we’re swayed toward solidarity or empathy with the characters and walk away with newfound knowledge we didn’t possess before. Mindsets, perspectives, and insights change through reading, listening, absorbing, and implementing.

Yet even with all the benefits we may glean, the detriments on the flip side erode the positive, specifically when it comes to the stories we tell ourselves.

The Story I’m Telling MyselfI first heard the phrase, “The story I’m telling myself…” years ago from the famed researcher and author Brené Brown. The saying became a regular part of my dialogue six months later once my husband and I entered therapy together.

At the urging of our therapists to use the phrase as a grounding point to dispel heightened misunderstandings and opinions, we practiced and royally annoyed one another in the process. It didn’t take long to recognize 1) how dysfunctional our communication with one another had become and 2) that much could be distilled down to the words, memories, and beliefs we repeatedly told ourselves.

Brown writes that we can’t change the narratives until “we find out where we are, how we came to that point and where we want to go […]When we reckon with emotion, we can change our narratives. We have to acknowledge our feelings and get curious about the story behind them. Then we can challenge those confabulations and get to the truth.” (For practical steps on how to challenge the stories you tell yourself, read this article).

So then, “The story I’m telling myself…” became a mantra and a gauge to question and sift my assumptions. If they weren’t 100% true and accurate, I promised myself to find ways to let them go in search of a new story.

A decade before “the stories I tell myself” became a tool for healthier communication in my life, I sat inside a humid church gymnasium and listened as the speaker shared this Native American parable:

An elderly Cherokee told his grandson about a battle inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one that you feed.”

I’ve heard variations of this parable since then. In the wellness-based coaching circles I’m a part of, there is an emphasis on the power of mindset, positive thinking, and personal agency. Similar veins are threaded within the scriptures found in my faith. No matter our backgrounds, cultures, or religious beliefs, our lives are shaped by the wolves we choose to feed, or in other words, the stories we tell ourselves.

Which Wolf Do You Feed?“The Tale of the Two Wolves” highlights our human tendencies to fuel or feed the thoughts or beliefs that appear to be true in the moment.

The bully voices will always point out where we’re failing, how many mistakes we’ve made, and scoff at our missteps. We might allow these stories to keep us stuck, play small, or choose destructive patterns and behaviors. Once we turn these beliefs inward on ourselves, we may carry shame and be faced with the tiresome task of telling ourselves something different.

Alternatively, we become unstoppable when we listen to our inner cheerleaders and recount how we’ve overcome hardships, utilized our strengths and capabilities, and chosen to live out our values.

It’s not easy, nor a one-and-done deal, but ultimately the choice is ours to make. This is the beauty behind telling ourselves new and revised stories.

As it turns out, “the story I’m telling myself” has been a gateway toward learning more about myself and others. As an objective bystander, I’ve witnessed my enormous ability to create inner narratives and tales that aren’t always accurate and warrant genuine questioning. (For if there were ever a prize for imagining false scenarios or potential judgments from others, I might be the winner).

The fact that I don’t have to automatically buy into limiting beliefs like ‘I’m not enough’, or ‘I’m too much’, or ‘If only I had done instead of ’ continues to free me and extinguish the negative biases I often hold over myself. Along the way, I’ve discovered the ability to alter these stories by reframing and using neuroscience to flex my mental muscles, slowly shifting my way toward a healthier perspective. But it is a process that I still wrestle with daily.

So, what about you – when was the last time you questioned the stories you tell yourself? Looking back, I think my mother’s stories were a primer for teaching me to focus on the times I soared high, faced the impossible, and conquered the odds. Years later, when I asked Mom why the themes of her stories stayed consistent, she replied that she needed the reminder of what’s good and right within herself. After all, don’t we all need to remember the hero within each of us?

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Speaking kindly to yourself is vital—it’s a form of self-love! Here’s why you shouldn’t hold back:

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I don’t remember any watershed or lightbulb moments that first prompted me to take a more proactive stance on the state of my health and create a wellness vision. However, I do remember what happened when I made the solemn vow to start treating myself with a little more TLC: absolutely nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.

Because when I made that pledge to myself, I imagined willpower would be enough to align my actions with my words, and that my quest toward greater wellness would unfold in a buttoned-up linear fashion. Sure, it was a bit delusional to think that the process would be seamless and easy.

Instead, I did the whole two-steps-forward-four-steps-back dance. (And later learned that all my backpeddling, overanalyzing, whining, and complaining is typical within the change process).

Why I Wanted to ChangeMy desire to change was for valid reasons. I lacked energy, so I mainlined coffee until bedtime to keep my stamina going throughout the day. As a result, my sleeping patterns were irregular and pretty well shot because…caffeine. I consisted of a steady diet of cigarettes, energy drinks, and cheese crackers with a side of peanut butter (any and everything can be a receptacle for PB in this gal’s world).

I’d go through periods of intense workouts, only to crash and be sedentary for even more extended periods because my body lacked the fuel it needed. I drank alcohol to excess often as a way to dull the anxiety that hummed within me consistently. I won’t go into the realms of what my emotional, mental, and spiritual health looked like, but I’ll tell you that it wasn’t a pretty picture.

I went full-throttle into research and experimentation mode, putting everything I was learning about health and wellness into action all at once. I curtailed my caffeine and alcohol consumption and became more mindful of my bedtime routine; I altered my diet and exercise routines. These changes would last maybe two weeks at the most, and then I’d have another anxiety attack that would circle me back to my preferred coping mechanisms: nicotine, alcohol, and nutrient-devoid foods.

The more I’d grit my teeth and attempt to modify my behavior, the more empty the promises I made to myself were. Instead, I found a half-version of wellness that didn’t serve me well. I was worn out, didn’t know why I was even trying to make changes, and couldn’t see the payoff.

Then one day, this holding pattern began to shift with a tiny statement:

“It doesn’t have to stay this way. I need to find my ‘why.'”

My “why” became the springboard toward refining what I did want for myself: to be an energetic, carefree, fun-loving woman who could look in the mirror, see a glow in my skin, and vibrancy in my eyes. I wanted to live my days with intention instead of wasting them away with substances that dulled me, numbed me, and altered my personality. Without recognizing it at the time, that statement became my inner compass toward finding a new way to live and what I kept coming back to when I veered off track. It became a part of my wellness vision.

Why Does Wellness Matter?We may automatically relate the term “wellness” to strictly food and exercise. Or we might conjure particular images before our minds—those of perfectly sculpted physiques, green smoothies, gyms with rows of free weights, blemish-free skin, or bubble baths and spa retreats.

Yet wellness is so much more than what we eat, how we move our bodies, or self-care practices, though those are certainly important aspects of living a healthy life. Wellness is about the whole self. As interconnected, beautifully, and thoughtfully interwoven beings created by a masterful Creator, “wellness” encompasses our minds, bodies, souls, spirits, relationships, and environments. Each aspect of our lives informs every other part.

When we neglect aspects of ourselves, every other area suffers. In our fast-paced, hustle-until-we-drop lifestyles, this neglect can happen unknowingly. We believe, think, and act based on habits and mindsets that are familiar, etched in at the neural levels. We live on autopilot mode and have trained ourselves to keep forging forward despite what it may cost us in the long run.

What Is A Wellness Vision, and Why Do We Need One?A wellness vision is a crafted statement for how you want to show up for your life. It is both the jumpstart and the sustaining force that keeps you moving forward. This road map reveals how you want to live your daily life; how you want to think, feel, move, eat, behave, and love yourself, plus those around you. This vision is unique to you.

Because it’s so easy for us to get caught up in the grind of our daily routines, we forget to stop, breathe, and ask ourselves the essential questions:

What is it in life that I value? How am I making time in my life for those things? How do I wish I felt physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally? What would my life look like if I were at my healthiest and happiest? How do I get there?

The following exercise will help you define and lay the foundation for discovering your distinct wellness vision.

Creating a Wellness VisionTo live your vision, you must first get clear about what you’d like to achieve. Consider these questions as you paint a picture of your wellness vision:

What does wellness look and feel like to you?

What would you see, experience, and hear when you achieve your vision?

What makes this vision important to you?

What will living in alignment with your wellness vision do for you?

How will your life look different when you’ve achieved what you’re after?

A wellness vision is best written in the present tense as if it is already happening. For instance, “I’m full of energy because I take care of my body by eating nutrient-rich food, hydrating, and making sure I’m active each day. I take charge of my health, practice self-care, manage my stress levels, and as a result, experience greater well-being. My relationships with others around me are vibrant and loving.”

Write it all down, and don’t worry about grammar, clarity, or if it makes sense—it’s for your eyes only. If you prefer something more visual, consider designing a Pinterest or vision board devoted to words or images that are meaningful to you. The point is to get whatever is in your head out into the open using whatever creative form(s) you prefer.

Seeking wellness is a dynamic, forever-changing process that ebbs and flows throughout our lives. Your vision is the companion and guide that journeys with you along the way. It’s not about perfection or doing it “right,” nor is it about having all the answers at once. Creating a wellness vision will help peel back the layers and point you toward your “why” as you begin to view yourself as the beautifully designed, holistic being that you truly are.

Do you want to go deeper with creating a wellness vision?* View the Wheel of Wellness below or print your copy here.***

https://thegritandgraceproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/GritandGraceLife_WheelofWellness_workbook.pdf

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Writer Jodi Shultz explains why it’s worth stepping into your purpose and discovering how you want to live each day of your life:

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Today’s the day to make triple the difference in women’s lives! Our website, podcasts, videos, social media posts, and audio articles all take resources to offer that hope, and as a 501c3 nonprofit, we can only do that with partners like you! It is our mission to offer women support as they handle the challenges common to all of us. We are sharing our lives and experiences to help them in theirs. On Giving Tuesday every donation will be matched 200%    Grit and Grace Life is a community of women—from all ages and stages—sharing our own real-life stories and the wisdom we’ve gained from them to provide hope, encouragement, and tangible solutions for every woman in every situation and … Giving Tuesday: This Is the Day! Read More »

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I’m awake and up before my husband—The Cowboy—has gone to bed. It’s 1:21 a.m. and too darn early. I went to bed at 10, but I’m wide awake now. I’m afraid I’m getting weird. Unbalanced. And while I really love getting a jump on my day, I’m also afraid I’m getting pulled out of sync with the rest of the world, who’s mostly awake when the sun’s up, not the moon. It sounds silly to write that, considering that I’m checking in with you, the one who put the sun and moon in place and never sleeps. But really? Up until now, my early rising has felt like you were waking me up to hang out. Now it’s beginning to feel like … Could It Be God Who Stirs Me From Sleep? Read More »

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Grit and Grace Life: offering insights, advice, hope, and encouragement from women who have been there. Our website, podcasts, videos, social media posts, and audio articles all take resources to offer that hope, and we can only do that with partners like you! Mark your calendar for November 29th to make triple the difference in women’s lives. It’s our goal to reach into women’s lives. To help them traverse the very same joys and challenges we have faced: —motherhood triumphs and trials —ups and downs in our faith —beauty and heartache in our relationships —and a desire to understand our true purpose as we walk this earth We do this as a community of women—from all ages and stages—sharing our own real-life … 200% Giving Tuesday Match with Grit and Grace Life Read More »

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Thanksgiving became a national holiday at the height of the Civil War—a most unlikely time to set a day aside for reflection and proclamation of one’s thankfulness. Yet President Abraham Lincoln did exactly that. Indeed, he was a brave man to declare this celebration in a season that seemed to have very little to be thankful for. But what is often overlooked is the woman behind the effort to make this a holiday worth celebrating. As is often true in life there is a “behind the scenes” lady of persuasion, a humble yet determined crusader of a concept. Sarah Josepha Hale’s Pursuit of Education Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1788 to Captain Gordon Buell and Martha Whittlesay Buell. Having been educated … Thank Sarah Hale (One Strong Woman) for Thanksgiving Day Read More »

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Oh my goodness, it’s with tremendous humility that I write about adoption. To me, there is no greater honor than to have been chosen to adopt each of my babies. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would ever be giving insight or even be passionate about such a precious gift, I would have very enthusiastically said, “Never!” I have to confess that I love my comfort zones. It’s something I’ve always struggled with—making sure I adjust, adapt, and prepare in order to be comfortable. I thought that if something was “hard” then I must not be doing it right. This really started after my mom passed away. I began to take every relationship and situation in my life … How to Wait With Grace During the Adoption Process Read More »

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I always thought she would live with us, and I assumed it would involve much resistance. She’d said she never wanted to be a burden to any of her children. But my mother arrived with less dragging of heels than I’d imagined. She had blacked out and hit the floor of the drug store in the tiny town where she lived. The doctor couldn’t seem to determine what was wrong. “Mom, come stay with us,” I urged. “Just until they can figure out what’s causing this.” She finally consented and my husband and I drove over the mountains to pick her up. Mom saw the cardiologist on a Tuesday before Christmas and was outfitted with a heart monitor. I received a call … When Roles Reverse: Caring for Your Aging Parents Read More »

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A cool breeze cuts through the layers of my favorite sweatshirt and long sleeve t-shirt, causing my shoulders to shiver. I pull the sherpa blanket closer to my chin as I sit on our back deck, surrounded by the fading images of fall. Only a few golden and scarlet leaves remain on naked branches. The green grass of summer is hidden beneath a blanket of leaves that beg to be raked into piles. My husband stokes the fire pit, adding a log as embers float into the dusk sky. The sounds of a college football game drift from the patio TV, but I barely notice, distracted by my own thoughts. We Were Never Abandoned It’s been a hard season. A hard year…or … Do You Feel Abandoned by God? Read More »

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‘Mother of 4’ Asked: Hello, I have been battling this for quite some time and just can’t seem to make a decision. My fiancé and stepfather to my children has a problem with everything my kids do, whether it’s coming down the stairs too hard, leaving pancake wrappers in the freezer with the other pancakes, not fully picking up after themselves, where they eat, if they leave little food crumbs on their desks, if their computers are too loud, if they are talking with their friends online and he can hear it, if they don’t say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ etc… I’m literally going crazy. He doesn’t want to be their father but he wants to teach them how to be young men. … Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Defend My Kids from their Strict Stepfather? Read More »

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A friend still cleans her adult son’s car when he stops by, and I can’t say I blame her. She always finds a stash of used lunch bags and backpacks culturing food, dirty laundry, and oodles of cash! And it got me thinking, haven’t we all found a bit of ‘yuck’ in our packs? I’ve heard the analogy that each of us carries an emotional backpack on our life’s journey. Our pack holds the essentials of living a meaningful life, kind of like the ‘All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten’ idea. What’s In Your Life Backpack? Unlike the kindergarten credo, our backpack also carries memories, failures, burdens, and misconceptions we’ve picked up along the way. Our experiences, emotions, … You Don’t Have to Carry Your Failures Anymore Read More »

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Early morning is my favorite time of day, and the best part of those special moments is time spent around the table with my husband. We share breakfast, cups of steaming tea, and discuss what is on our hearts. It is a treasured time that we try to maintain through the demands of our full schedules. During one of our morning chats, we reminisced about a recent trip: A drive from Oregon to California along a scenic byway that took us through open fields, along the edges of tall summits, and through a swarm of grasshoppers (I’ll save the explanation of the insect invasion for another time). An Unusual Confession We left the tranquility of Oregon and hit a wall of traffic … Can Redemptive Love Overcome Racial Division? Read More »

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This is a story about me and my baby, who’s now 22, and the misery we walked through together to find a love connection. It’s a story of our mutual failure, but it’s a story with a happy ending. I lived the miracle. I watched it change me. And then I watched it change my prodigal son. Stone’s given me permission to tell it with all the sordid details—I love a blank check—but I’ll just hit the lowlights. How the Separation Started In the summers before his junior and senior years of high school, Stone got drunk on our family’s lake vacations. Both years, he also drank at his proms, letting us know his plans beforehand. He was proud he hadn’t drunk … I Made a Change—And It Brought My Prodigal Home Read More »

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My teenage daughter has a birthday coming up. While looking through old photographs, I came across one with a big gap-toothed grin that almost wrecked me. There is something about gaps in a kid’s smile that tugs at my heart.  A gap that will be filled with a tooth slightly too big for their five-year-old face. Adult teeth look so funny on a little kid and it takes years to grow into them. I remember snooping through my parent’s drawers as a kid and finding a few baby teeth. These old teeth both fascinated and disgusted me. One person I know took it one step further and saved her baby’s umbilical cord.  Cords are smelly and scabby and I couldn’t wait for … Are You Holding On to What You’ve Outgrown? Read More »

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It was Halloween day, and this was the first year my daughter realized it might just be a great event in which she wanted to participate. She was barely four years old and until that time my husband and I had avoided stepping into the chaos of this holiday. My husband’s attitudes were born out of his complete distaste for many of the things that came with this particular evening. I didn’t necessarily disagree with him, but I circumvented it simply because I had enough to do without adding it to the list! But we couldn’t avoid it this year. Our daughter wanted to dress up; she wanted to grab a bucket and get some of that great stuff that people were giving away. Looking at her dad, she … Halloween and Parenting—It’s a Give and Take Read More »

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(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) Do you have a friend who’s so beautiful that sometimes you find yourself staring, admiring? How about one who lives off of donuts and never lifts more than her purse but somehow maintains the body of a supermodel? Maybe you have a friend who always gets what she wants, and everything seems to go her way. Or what about your funny, charismatic friend who lights up a room and makes even strangers feel like they’ve been life-long friends? Have you ever noticed your friend’s beauty, talents, opportunities, or life as a whole and then suddenly felt like you got the short end of the stick? It’s not a fun place to be, and … Just Because She’s Pretty, Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Read More »

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Before a chill is in the air or the first pumpkin carved, Halloween announces its approach with the arrival of costume superstores. Empty storefronts are magically bewitched into one-stop-shops for the fall festivities. Young, old, and in-between can find nearly any disguise they want for Halloween, if they’re brave enough to walk past the oh-so-creepy lawn decorations to reach the costume aisles. Getting Creative on Halloween When I was a little girl, no such shops existed. I grew up in a small Southern town in the 1970s, and the fancy, store-bought costumes were only available at the local drugstore or five-and-dime. Thin, satin dresses laced with gold thread created the illusion of opulent princess gowns. These manufactured costumes featured plastic masks to … The Fun in Simple Halloween Traditions Read More »

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“We suspect the baby has a genetic abnormality that is causing the birth defects.” Right from the first suspicion that there were issues with the baby girl growing inside of me, the doctors switched from referring to my baby as “your baby” and “she” to less personal terms like “the baby” and “it.” It was my first taste of how our culture views and treats people who are born, for lack of a better term, different. At 20 weeks gestation, we knew our little girl, Fiona, would have Down syndrome. The diagnosis came a few weeks after we had found out she also had a life-threatening heart defect and bilateral clubbed feet. We were heartbroken and scared. Life was never going to … As a Mom, I Want You to Know This About Down Syndrome Read More »

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October is my birthday month, and when the year I turned 39, I discovered it was OK to start over in my professional career. For the previous five years, I had been a stay-at-home mom. I decided to leave the corporate world when my fourth child was born, and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I became comfortable in the new routine I had established, and I loved being able to have that quality time with my two little ones before they went off to school. My two oldest were already in school, and I felt like I had missed so much of their younger years. I wanted the opportunity to just be a mom, even if it … If Your Life Hasn’t Gone as Planned—Read This! Read More »

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Are you that mom who would rather stick an icepick through your eye than talk to your teen daughter about sex (seriously, it doesn’t have to be that bad!)? Or maybe the idea of sex conversations makes you squirm a little. We need to talk, girlfriend! First, let’s talk about why you need to have the conversations. Notice I said conversations. This really should be an ongoing conversation that starts in preschool. But if you are behind the 8 ball, and even if you fear that your daughter may have already had sex, take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. It’s time to talk. The reason why research has demonstrated that abstinence programs have not been successful (teens who participate in … Why You Need to Talk to Your Teen Girl About Sex and How to Do It Read More »

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October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It is an annual campaign designed to increase breast cancer awareness worldwide, promoting research, risk assessment, screening and early detection, and treatment options. According to Breastcancer.org,  more than 287,000 women in the United States alone are estimated to be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in 2022. Nearly 43,000 of them may die from the disease. If you are concerned about breast cancer, there are steps you can take to lower your risk. While we can’t do anything about risk factors such as family history and age, some lifestyle changes have been shown to reduce breast cancer risk, even in high risk women. Five of them are provided below. Important to remember is that these steps are … 5 Ways to Reduce Your Risk of Breast Cancer Read More »

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Good morning, friends. This is the first moment I’ve been alone, with power, internet, and a glass of clean water that came from the faucet since 5AM on Wednesday, September 28th… the day Hurricane Ian made landfall in Southwest Florida. But I’m still not in my own home; I’m in Michigan. I could tear up over the feeling of relief in the reprieve, but I also feel incredibly guilty that I’m not home, doing my part. I don’t think I’ve had a chance to process the past 10 days yet. I feel like we’ve just been in survival mode, living life on adrenaline and what feels like a constant road trip, never sure where my things are—at my parents? My in-laws? Our … Strength After Hurricane Ian: My Letter to the Community I Love Read More »

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I am single. I am widowed. I am married. I am divorced. I am a mom. I have no children. I am a career woman. I stay at home. I am an artist. I am a cancer survivor. I have a doctorate. I finished high school. Are these really who we are? Or are they merely part of our journey, a title, or life experience that will demonstrate what we are made of? I, my friend, will passionately argue for the latter. In my 20s, I was a booking agent for musicians when I married my boss. No, it was not one of those torrid affairs in the workplace that you would read or hear about over your lunch break. He was … How Do I Know What Defines Me? Read More »

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Whether you have a two-year-old or a 10-year-old there are some days you may wonder who is in charge. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s you. You won’t win every battle nor should you expect to.  You can’t put it upon yourself to effectively crack the whip, so to speak, impeccably correcting each and every transgression any child is capable of. But there are a few absolutes you need to incorporate into your life just to keep peace on the home front, guide your kids toward acceptable behavior, and some days, to simply maintain your sanity. 1. Know your child. There may come a time when you find your child disassembling the new toy that you spent an hour on just successfully … Who’s the Boss? 5 Ways You Need to Be the Authority Read More »

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I recently met a young woman for coffee. She was busy doing life – running multiple little ones from school to their next activity, nurturing a fledgling career, attending to an exasperated husband, and to top it off, she just learned the family dog is expecting puppies.  It’s life with all its challenges and gifts. As we nestled into the corner of the coffee shop, mugs in hand, my young friend began to share. She paused mid-sentence, took a deep breath, and announced, “God feels distant.” Her statement caught me off guard. You have to understand, this woman prays and reads her Bible religiously, attends church faithfully, and even serves in the children’s program. Yet, this morning her faith is shaky. She … If God Feels Distant, Move Closer—Here’s How Read More »

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On Mother’s Day of the year my husband died, my daughter presented me with a book by Ann Voskamp—One Thousand Gifts. Voskamp’s writing challenged me to draft a gratitude list with the goal of reaching 1,000 things I was thankful for. But how do you do that? How can you be grateful when all that is precious is slipping away—in our case, our home, all we had worked for against retirement, my live-in mom with Alzheimer’s, and my husband’s terminal cancer diagnosis?  What I learned during that season—after entirely too much whining and self-pity—was this: Even as our home and the people I prized most were no longer mine, there was an abundance of gifts to be grateful for. Even During Dark … Why Should I Be Grateful When There’s Not Much to Be Grateful For? Read More »

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(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) I loved to play dress-up as a girl. I’d steal away to my stepmother’s closet and search out the highest heels, the longest string of 80s chunky beads, and the tiny samples of lipstick that she saved from Avon orders. If I was lucky, I’d also find the plastic tiara that somehow ended up in the toy box from a distant prom or Halloween costume.  There is a musty photograph of me somewhere smiling, head turned to one side trying to keep that crown from slipping off my blonde bobblehead. While memories of my childhood are patchy, like Swiss cheese, this one remains. Perhaps, because it has been captured in still life. Perhaps, … How to Find Your Worth In a Counterfeit World Read More »

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How can we have teamwork in marriage when we’re so different? Dan and I recently celebrated a wedding anniversary. Ours was a later-in-life marriage and now we can say that we’ve been married for years.  (Two years … but still.) We reserved a cabin at the historic Weasku Inn, built in 1924 near the Rogue River in southern Oregon. It was a favorite fishing retreat for Clark Gable back in the day. A full, sit-down breakfast was dished up every morning at the lodge. Appetizers were served late afternoons; fresh-baked cookies at 7 pm; and around 8:30 each evening, hot chocolate and ingredients for s’mores were set out and a campfire was lit. Dan and I reflected on our love story—how we met … How Can We Have Teamwork in Marriage When We’re So Different? Read More »

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It doesn’t take long after a new school year begins for our family to realize we need to dial back our activities. With the start of a new grade comes the introduction of new opportunities and an abundance of activities that fight for our children’s attention. While many, if not all, provide great avenues for our kids to discover and develop their talents and interests, our family has come to the conclusion that less can often be more. It’s easy to fall into the temptation of signing our children up for every possible activity, but is it really the best? Certainly, as parents we hold a part of the responsibility in helping to develop our children’s character and gift sets with the goal to … Less is More in Your Child’s Schedule Read More »

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‘Paralyzed by Indecision’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, I’ve always struggled with making decisions, both big and small. I’ve noticed this is a pattern in my family…both my mother and grandmother are the same way. I’ve gotten a little better, recognizing that indecision leaves me feeling paralyzed and telling myself that I can always re-adjust if a decision isn’t ideal. Why do you think making decisions feels so painful? I genuinely hate making them. And that frustrates me about myself because I know it’s not a big deal most of the time! What are some tips or things I can tell myself to work on this? Thank you! Dr. Zoe Answered: You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the multigenerational pattern … Ask Dr. Zoe – I Struggle Making Decisions—Can I Get Over This? Read More »

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Last month, I checked off an impossible adventure on my lifetime bucket list: seeing the Northern Lights. It was absolutely more wondrous than I imagined and not at all what I expected—kind of like faith. I had traveled 3150 miles to meet ten friends for a hiking adventure in Iceland. We had planned the trip for the summer of 2020 before we knew the world would close to tourism. It was already an epic feat to get ten women with busy lives and families to align calendars but then, we had to rework it all over again for the summer of 2022. As we set off from six separate cities to meet in Reykjavik, some of us couldn’t even remember why we … The Northern Lights Weren’t What I Expected… Read More »

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I’ve reached the age where my ideal Friday night involves pajamas, a couch, a book and being asleep by 10 o’clock. (ok, 9:30). The 20- to 30-year-old version of me had a very different idea of an ideal Friday night. At twenty, I’d hope for a date, a bar or a large group of friends. At thirty, I still hoped for an invite of some kind. A dinner party or excuse to wear anything besides yoga pants or school clothes. I wanted to be included and invited and to laugh the loudest. Don’t get me wrong; I still want to be invited, but I don’t always want to go. Be Choosey When it Comes to Friendships My life seemed to narrow in … As My Friend List Shrinks, I Love How It Deepens Read More »

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There truly are some conversations we would much rather avoid. The ones that create angst in both the discussion starter and the recipient, whose terrified expression is begging you not to continue! An honest talk about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) has to be in life’s top five! This is definitely not sunny chatter over the dinner table, or light banter with the store clerk like you’re talking about the fair weather. But the reality is that our current societal statistics require us to have these talks. We absolutely must have them with our children. We absolutely must have them with our dating partner. Today’s studies tell us 1 in 4 females between the age of 15 and 24 have an STD*, currently a full … The Reality of STDs: Hard Conversations You Need to Have Read More »

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Mary Anne Radmacher said, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'” Like a calm response in the face of a bully, courage is often quiet, but calculated. Those who possess it don’t demonstrate it by chance. They make choices and a conscious effort to stand for the right thing, even though their knees are wobbling. This is what courage really looks like… When you speak out against injustice, even though your voice is shaking. When you leave the boyfriend who doesn’t want the same things as you, even though tears are streaming down your face as you walk away. When you assure your recently diagnosed loved one … On Courage: Strong People Have Weak Moments Read More »

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Full of pitfalls and different perspectives, there’s nothing like a pandemic to leave us speechless for supportive words. I found myself on the giving end of toxic positivity when my friend lost her business due to the COVID-19 closures in downtown San Francisco. Next, she suffered a massive leg fracture. There were no words as I watched her losing her apartment and struggling to figure out what to do next with her life. Coming over to help her cook dinner, I sprang to clean up the broken glass in the kitchen sink. She told me not to worry about it from her wheelchair. Struggling with her crutches, she came into the kitchen. “Look at you! You’re getting around so well,” I told … Toxic Positivity: Is Your Optimistic Comment Doing More Harm Than Good? Read More »

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It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. -E.E. Cummings At 30, I was happily married, had a great career, many friends, and lots of money. During that time, I also became deeply depressed, was put on medication for anxiety and entered what would be a very long relationship with psychotherapy. It was a real struggle for me to understand why I wasn’t happy when I had everything that I thought was important in life. Was I selfish? Were my expectations too high? I honestly couldn’t understand what was missing and how to fill this huge void that gnawed at me endlessly. When I look back at my life, more than 20 years later, I realize that I … It Took Losing Everything to Find Me Read More »

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Did you know that one of the most influential pastors and preachers of the Christian faith struggled with depression and even suicidal thoughts? Known as the “Prince of Preachers,” Charles Spurgeon’s work has provided an intangible, yet very real hope for people over the last 100+ years. The same mind that dwelt in dungeons of darkness also created quotes reflecting glimpses of a brilliant light… “Those who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls.” “By perseverance, the snail reached the ark.” “Our infirmities become the black velvet on which the diamond of God’s love glitters all the more brightly.” Sounds like a man who is able to find and focus on the good no matter how hard the bad. … Why Do They Choose Suicide? Read More »

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My caregiving roles overlapped and tangled. My mom moved in with us, slipping further into dementia. And then we heard these heart-stopping words from my husband’s doctor: “It’s cancer.” The season as caregiver for my mother was challenging. She was negative. And distrustful. She was sure my husband, Gary, and I were stealing her money. This wasn’t the woman who reared us kids with courage and imagination, who told us we could be anything God wanted us to be. There were plenty of fun memories mixed in with the challenge, though. Mom and I held a weekly Girls’ Movie Night. Little Women, Sleepless in Seattle, and Roman Holiday were among her favorites. Nearly every evening after the dinner dishes were done, we … Dear Caregiver: You Don’t Have to Be a Superhero Read More »

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My faith used to feel so much bigger. These days, it can feel like an afterthought. A prayer shot off in traffic or as I am already falling asleep. I struggle through any kind of devotional book. I make it to church most weekends but pray with my eyes open and occasionally with my heart closed. I miss the small narrow faith that felt so consuming of my youth. I miss the simple Sunday school lessons, youth group concerts and innocent prayers. In college, faith filled living room couches and strummed guitars. I hung out in coffee shops and college ministries. I made all the usual college mistakes but I still managed to squeeze in a quiet time or go to a … Does Faith Count When It Doesn’t Feel Big Enough? Read More »

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Let’s just get this out in the open: vacationing with children is a daunting affair to think about. There’s planning and packing and food and travel and lodging and food (because they always eat). Should you plan a lot of activities? Should you keep it simple? What is on the menu (because they always eat)? The stress of the process can make even the most seasoned travel mom want to fold and plan a staycation instead. The getaway becomes more like a chore you have to do rather than an enjoyable experience for everyone. But no matter if it’s your first trip or your fiftieth, I’ve got a few tried and true tips that will leave you anticipating your next vacation, not … Simple Guidelines for Traveling With Kids and How to Enjoy It Read More »

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Do you have any childhood memories of attending professional baseball games? I know I do. I was so enamored by the players. The stadium was packed with fans cheering and screaming. I was star struck watching the players sign autographs after the game and thought that their lives were picture perfect. Then I married a professional baseball player, Jason Adam. Before I met my husband, I was naive to the whole baseball lifestyle. Now that I am living it, my whole perspective has changed. It is easy to stereotype people. I’m at fault for doing it often. But being a “baseball wife” has really challenged me not to be so quick to judge and assume certain things about people because I have now experienced being stereotyped myself. Reality television shows … The Grit and Grace of a Baseball Wife Read More »

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I’ve been obsessed with the oceans and conserving them since the first time I watched “The Little Mermaid.” Paddling out with dolphins and sea turtles just solidified my obsession with the sea. Growing up in a beach town in Florida, I studied environmental journalism. The week of Christmas, I strolled the beaches of Maui near “Pu’u Keka’a” or Black Rock. The islands of Molokai and Lanai slept in the distance with sailboats between us. A few clusters of white coral rolled up toward my feet in the sand. The crowds still hung back from visiting the islands due to the pandemic, leaving most of Maui to myself. There in the greenery that separated the walking path from the shoreline, I saw it. … When Did Caring for the Earth God Created Become Political? Read More »

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Many of us have had a moment in time when, with just one piece of news or a seemingly random event, our entire life trajectory shifts. My moment came on the day after my twenty-sixth birthday when I was diagnosed with an incurable chronic illness. I was shocked to learn that the symptoms I had been reasoning away as part of my pregnancy were instead an indication that I was seriously unwell. Unless I received intervention in the form of medication, my quality of life would greatly diminish and my health would be in greater jeopardy. It was big news to digest as as a new mom, cradling my six-week-old baby. I could barely understand my baby’s needs and now I needed … How to Live in Hope Amid Chronic Illness Read More »

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From the first moment a little girl announces, “When I grow up I’m gonna be a…” her parents tell her that she certainly will be. She can do whatever she dreams, and that’s true. If she loves sports—they’re all available. Education? Any field of study is obtainable. Career path? There is none blocked. This generation has all the “equal rights” created by the resolute females of the 20th century. Courageous ladies desiring the privilege to vote, to pursue higher education, and to have careers that matched their talents fought this battle. They changed our world. It is them we should thank for giving our daughters a future without limitations. Yet, as each daughter enters her teen years, most realize that the level playing field of opportunity … Men and Women Are Equal, but Not Identical Read More »

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Menopause arrived early and chronic depression became my wake-up buddy. Almost daily. I learned how to deal with the occasional blues earlier in life. Hiking or cycling always worked wonders. Creativity helped dispel the gray fog, whether planting flowers, or trying a new recipe, or knitting a gift. And of course, drafting gratitude lists and looking for ways to reach out to someone else in need—all these things helped me manage situational depression. But this was different. Instead of bouncing out of bed, I sludged awake with a definite lack of hope. Nothing energized me. There was no desire for the things that normally lit me up. I just wanted to sleep, long and deep. But that was rarely an option. Usually … When Menopause Blues Turns Into Depression, There’s Help Read More »

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You have just received your first phone call, the one every mother dreads and hopes to never receive. The preschool wants you to know that your child is hitting or biting or kicking. That little guy or girl, who has never shown this behavior before, has apparently turned into the class tyrant. It was in kindergarten when my daughter demonstrated her prowess in tormenting others. I dropped this sweet, little dressed up diva at her elementary school and all was going relatively well for the first few months. Then I received my first phone call. She had kicked a little boy. This led to discussion, punishment, and resolution. A week went by and then I got the next call; she had hit another student. … Your Bad Kid Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mom Read More »

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It’s the longing in all of us, the feeling that causes us to stare out at the endless horizon standing at the ocean’s edge. The part of us that draws our gaze to the multi-layered masterpiece of a nearby mountain ridge. Those of us who are naturally nostalgic have an affinity for the history of things. The way something once made us feel, the memory a familiar song brings up, all moments and feelings that are part of our story. Nostalgia transcends the present and whisks us away, and it always creates a sense of longing to capture that feeling again. I am one of those people, drawn to familiar things that have framed my life’s surroundings. And yet, I’m continually looking … This Is Why I Did a DNA Test Read More »

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‘Debra’ asked: I am a widow; I’ve been seeing him for nine months. He asked me to marry him a couple of times joking around and I just didn’t respond because I thought it was joking. However, he proposed the last week of February and I just stood there staring with no response. He caught me off guard. They was a lot of commotion going on at the job, so I didn’t answer him right away. Later I said I loved him and I would marry him but he said I didn’t answer him when he asked so he got his answer then. I told him I loved him and wanted to marry him and he said it didn’t work that way … Ask Dr. Zoe – My Boyfriend Retracted His Proposal—What Do I Do Now? Read More »

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Several years ago, the school where my husband and I taught asked us to give the Baccalaureate speeches at the graduation festivities. This was extra special since it was the first graduating class in the school’s history, and it’s a privilege we still talk about to this day! We grew to love these kids as our own. We taught and coached them, had them over for dinner in our home, celebrated successes, and consoled through failures. It’s neat to see how God has worked things out, and now we are not only “former teachers” but friends with many of them. During the years we had with them, we focused on teaching them about life because they were all about to enter into … Want to Be a Woman of Virtue? Remember These 4 Things… Read More »

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When Dan and I first started hiking and snowshoeing together, he talked about how his church loves well—and how much it meant to him when they reached out in love as his wife was dying of cancer. He told stories of how the men wouldn’t let him hibernate after his wife passed. Instead, they said, “Come with us. We’re going to work on a repair project,” or “We’re going to Mexico to deliver books and educational supplies.” Early on, I somehow knew that if this relationship grew into something beyond a non-dating friendship, I would be changing churches. In time, Dan invited me to attend Foundry Church, and what I mostly remember is how everyone was warm and accepting and seemed pleased … How My Church Loves Well—Not Just on Sundays Read More »

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I don’t want to look at what’s inside the Tupperware at the back of the fridge. But once I brave it, I’m relieved to start the task and be done with the judgment lurking behind the hummus and pimento cheese. There’s no guilt in dumping rotten food. After all, black spotted soup is obviously trash, regardless of how wonderful it was when it started out. There’s no need to remember whether or not it was supper last week or two weeks before. If you’re like me, sometimes the ooze in the container-turned-petri dish is so disgusting, even the Tupperware has to go. Can I get a witness? How delightful it is to have this task handed over to my daughter who is … If Your Past Isn’t Pretty, Then You’re Just Who God’s Looking For Read More »

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Trigger Warning: This article mentions suicide and self-harm I am no trained therapist, but I am also no stranger to trauma. A triad of trauma began in my life when I moved overseas as a missionary. Before two years on the field were over, my husband left me. The trauma of divorce. Abroad. Alone. My next boyfriend, a fellow English teacher working with me in Tokyo, struggled with mental illness. I found his body after he committed suicide. I would go on to my own unsuccessful suicide attempt and years of self-harm. My perspective of pain shifted even further when, years later, I was sexually assaulted as a flight attendant in a foreign country. All of this to say, I’m no licensed … Tools You Need to Find Healing from PTSD Read More »

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‘Marie’ Asked: How can I set up boundaries without generating turmoil between my boyfriend’s adult daughter who is 25 and myself? Her Dad always takes her side and she rules him/us when she comes and visits. Thank you, Dr Zoe. Dr. Zoe Answered: It seems to me that you need to create better boundaries with two people—your boyfriend and his daughter. It’s ironic that I often get the question, “how can I create boundaries without hurting someone’s feelings or without upsetting someone?” This is the very crux of the issue for pleasers. They are more concerned about upsetting anyone than they are about caring for themselves. As long as that remains the case, your boundaries will stay low. Unfortunately, setting boundaries upsets … Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Create Better Boundaries with My Boyfriend and His Daughter? Read More »

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So you’ve just spent hours in the Target dorm room aisles… Shopping for color-coordinated linens and accessories for your daughter’s new dorm room. Or, if it’s your son, you were probably trying to convince him that he actually needs a bedspread to go along with his trunk full of technology (that will absolutely make it into his new “college student man cave”). Now you’ve delivered them, set up their new world, and driven or flown away. You feel the anxiety of their absence. Can they get along without you making sure the laundry is done, the curfew is adhered to, and the insurance is paid? Well, you’ve spent the last 18 years getting them to this point, so the assumption is that … Sending Your Kids to College—Separation Anxiety or Blissful Freedom? Read More »

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As a public school teacher for the past five years, and with many friends of faith in education as well, I have some thoughts about a school system that we all know has changed so much. I wonder what comes to your mind, teacher, when you think about going back to school this year. The news keeps saying it’s going to be another hard year for teachers, but they’re not the ones who are about to experience it. The Hard Parts of Going Back to School, Teacher Edition – Maybe you think of teacher shortages, which will cause you to have to cover other classes during your planning period or take on half of the class next door into your already maxed-out … Teaching Is Harder than Ever, But I’m Going Back to School Anyway Read More »

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I’d like to tell you about my ex. I mean exes. I’d like to share a poignant account of my time being single, and how I survived a string of unhealthy relationships before resting firmly (and a bit unassured) in the coveted marriage and motherhood status.  I’d like to paint an atrocious picture of love gone wrong, of an incredibly insecure and trauma-ridden little girl who grew up to jump in bed with any old crack pot who wanted to be with her (and there were more than a few—God, I hope my kids never read this). Maybe I’d weave in some funny stories here and there—like the time I woke up on an Easter morning late for brunch with a blinding … A Letter to All the Single Ladies: the Good, the Bad and How to Own It Read More »

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The weather was perfect, a gentle breeze blowing over Las Vegas on a 70-degree April day. My chiffon and muslin skirts swirled in clouds of white. Just beyond the pillars and waterfalls of the Valley of the Falls at Mandalay Bay stood my soon-to-be new husband waiting at the altar. There was another man I had to see first. My dad, standing just out of sight of the guests, met me and took my arm. Only some of the guests knew every paced step we took up that aisle was a miracle. Was it only September I saw my dad, gray hair, full beard, with shining eyes sealed shut as he lay hooked to a ventilator, fighting for his life? I inhaled … My Dad’s COVID-19 Miracle Reinforced My Faith Read More »

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I sat down at my desk after running off school campus to grab a coffee. A message “sent with high importance” sat blinking on my computer. My heart sank. Another message letting me know that my son was having a hard time in class and to come see him when I could. Right away, I thought, “WHEN will this end? What am I doing wrong?” and off I ran to his classroom. I peeked around the corner to his class, trying hard not to let any of his classmates see me. The last thing I needed for him to get embarrassed because mommy had to show up again. I motioned for him to come into the hallway and saw the look on … Childhood Trauma—How to Spot it, How to Heal it Read More »

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Eight years ago, I was enjoying a work-from-home career as a health writer for various corporate wellness programs and raising my two young daughters. I stumbled on a Holy Yoga class one weekend, and that ultimately brought me to where I am today. That class changed my experience with yoga and created a desire to connect with God every time I got on my mat. After much persuasion from friends, several “God winks,” and a turn of events with my career (I was laid off), I decided to pursue a yoga teacher certification through Holy Yoga. What is Holy Yoga? I wanted to provide the same opportunity for others to connect with Christ on the mats that I had experienced. Holy Yoga … Can Your Yoga Practice Be Holy? Read More »

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In episode 63, These Strategies Will Help You Raise Great Kids, of our podcast, This Grit and Grace Life, Darlene Brock, co-founder and president of The Grit and Grace Project, shares some of her own parenting experiences and snippets of wisdom from her new book, Raising Great Girls. Having raised two caring and successful daughters of her own, Darlene penned her book in the hopes of encouraging other moms to push past the difficulties that often come with cultivating young ladies (or young men!). In Raising Great Girls, Darlene outlines various job descriptions, like Creative Counselor and Coach, that a parent must assume in order to mold a balanced daughter. She breaks down three of these job titles within the podcast and … How to Raise Strong, Confident Daughters With Darlene Brock Read More »

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I sat in the passenger seat of our SUV in the parking garage, hot and exhausted. Sweat from the 112-degree Phoenix summer sun ran down my spine while my eyes stayed glued to the back of my six-foot-tall baby boy walking towards the garage stairs. Time stopped as I watched him pause on the top step. Eighteen years flew by so quickly. Didn’t we just bring him home from the hospital on a snowy March afternoon? He turned to wave, shooting us a quick smile, then disappearing down the staircase into a new life, a new adventure, a new chapter of his life. But where did that leave me? Some moms might have felt the sting of him walking away. Away from … 8 Steps to a Smooth College Transition for You and Your Teen Read More »

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Humanity has a natural tendency to judge others—and often, it seems, women are the worst offenders. Why do we do it? How do we stop? These are the questions that Darlene and Julie unpack in this week’s podcast episode on judgment. They discuss the different areas of life in which women are prone to judge others, the reasons we do it, and why we should think twice before casting off any opinions or unwarranted labels. It’s easy to fall into the trap of pointing fingers at the way others fall short, but it ends up revealing a battle with our pride and insecurities. We hope this episode encourages you to extend grace before judgment. Remember, someone could do the same to you! … Can We Just Admit We Judge Other Women? – 203 Read More »

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Does anyone else feel like they are spinning in circles in place this summer? Mamas, you feel me? This season is bringing out the grit and grace in me more than ever. As a mom of a 5-year-old boy, we have done coloring, LEGOs, and screen time. We’ve read books, run in literal circles, and I’ve found myself needing more ideas. So, I set out on a mission to search the inter-web, rack my brain, and ask friends for some assistance. To save you all this research, below are 50-plus ideas to keep the kiddos entertained (they might also learn a thing or two!). Good for most any age (very little assembly required!): 1. Make photo books online and look out for … 50+ Activities for Kids That Are Free or Really Cheap Read More »