Relationship Rescue: Recent Episodes
Heather Carter
Relationships eventually get hard, but they don't have to end in divorce or anger! Each Wednesday, join Heather Carter, as she shares her strategies, methodologies, insights, and tips into how to make a relationship thrive, how to cut through the power struggle, and how to find peace and happiness within yourself. Whether you want to save your relationship or leave it, and want some great advice on how to be true to yourself, so the relationship has a chance, or you have an opportunity to move on to a healthy relationship, this is the podcast for you! www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com
What triggers a toxic person or a narcissist more than anything else? Learn more in this episode. Plus, what makes triggers so disturbing?
Join my community, The Relationship Sanctuary! October is all about healing Attachment Styles! Click here to learn more and join.
Someone says something to us, and suddenly, we feel a sinking feeling in our stomach. Someone does something to us, and instantly, we become enraged or alarmed.
Where does this come from, how do we heal it, and how can it affect our lives?
Are you ready to begin to heal your attachment style? The month of October in The Relationship Sanctuary is all about Attachment Styles! Click here to join today!
The mixed messages from childhood phrases manifest and sabotage our relationships today. Did you ever hear this one, "Can't we just have a good time today?" Do you know what that actually meant?
Click here to learn more and join my community, The Relationship Sanctuary. It's the only healing community of its kind.
They just don't want you to do anything about it. The fact that you tolerated and excused everything that your ex or your partner is doing was or is not an act of true love-it's the result of undealt trauma, a fear of abandonment, and not believing you have value.
Click here to get in line and grab the early bird special; you will be grandfathered in at this price forever. Join the excitement for my community, The Relationship Sanctuary, which opens its doors on Sunday, June 2nd!
I am like you; I have been where you are; I understand you because we are the same. There is beauty in knowing we are not alone. I share what I think about on my darkest days.
I also discuss why we stay in an unhealthy or toxic situation, how we can leave and find peace, and what happens if we don't come to healing.
Click here to schedule a free initial call. You deserve peace and happiness!
You will not live the life you desire, dream of, and deserve.
Ask yourself right now: Does your view of yourself work? If we don't love and respect ourselves, everything disintegrates.
Click here to join my newsletter and download some freebies.
Understanding these 6 reasons why it is hard to leave an unhealthy relationship will help you find the strength to leave.
Coming Soon! Relationship Warriors: Not Worries is a one-stop relationship community where you will find the answers that have eluded you, possibly for years. You will find help in the different groups: Dating, Relationships/Marriage, Divorce, and Healing.
Click here to learn more and get on the waiting list!
One of the first crucial steps to healing codependency/enabling and being The Giver is to stop prioritizing The Taker!
How do you do this?
Listen now and click here to sign up for Relationship Rescue Weekly: What is your relationship trying to tell you? Don't ignore it. Your subconscious mind is speaking to you.
Learn the top tactics that narcissists use to hook you and keep you hooked.
Click here to join my 5,000-plus weekly newsletter subscribers and receive help delivered right to your inbox every Sunday.
Narcissism 101: I am telling you everything you want to know about narcissists, including their characteristics, the four main categories, the subtypes, 3 categories you might not have known about, and how a narcissist becomes the way they do.
Click here to join the 5,000 strong who receive my weekly newsletter! You don't want to miss my weekly tips, strategies, worksheets, and journal prompts, which I only share with my subscribers!
Do I give different dating advice to women and men?
Is dating in your 40s and beyond and after divorce different from dating in your 20s and early 30s?
What is the definition of manhood?
Are you ready to find the right one and heal the wounds stopping you from living your best life and having the relationship you desire and deserve?
Click here to set up your free call to see if I can help you.
Are you a priority to your partner?
How do you know if someone is a student of themselves?
Learn how to discern if someone is willing to do things differently.
Click here to join my newsletter!
Join The Movement To Live Your Highest Potential Today!
Do the childhoods I describe in this podcast sound like yours?
Today, we will deep dive into different types of childhoods and what they meant for the person growing up in the home.
How did that particular childhood impact and sabotage their adult life?
Click here and join my newsletter for healing, love, support, and some of the best tools I use!
Who are these adult children from dysfunction, chaos, and/or abuse? What do they look like? What are their symptoms?
I describe in detail what we look like, how we might act, and our symptoms. You don't want to miss this one.
I'm on a fearless journey to help as many people as possible live the life they're meant to live, up to their highest potential, and have the relationships they desire and deserve.
Click here and sign up for my newsletter, and let the gifts of success, love, connection, and abundance start rolling in.
Which one of you cries, yells, clings, or screams? Which one ignores, flees, or uses apathy and shutdown? Do either of you react with little ability to self-regulate emotionally and then turn away, claiming trust is not present?
Maybe you are none of those things; instead, you are securely attached and in an unhealthy relationship.
Click here to join over 3,000 people who receive my weekly newsletter.
You will receive tips, help, PDFs, and expert advice on how to help your relationships thrive. Remember, every relationship begins with you.
After a fantastic summer, taking some much-needed personal time, my daughter got married, and I had some extensive work commitments and mini vacays; it is good to be back. Welcome to Fall 2023: Preparing for 2024.
How can you create a new future with healthy, thriving relationships and a career or business that inspires you?
You are about to learn!
Click here to sign up for the Relationship Rescue weekly newsletter with tips, advice, and free PDFs to help you live up to your highest potential.
The twisted belief we come to as children that grow up in dysfunctional, chaotic, and abusive homes is the only way we get our needs met is through being a victim.
How does this play out in relationships and the Drama Triangle?
What is pause for the cause?
Identify your triggers. There are nine categories of triggers. Click here to download your workbook to find out your triggers now.
If you want to understand yourself and every unhealthy relationship you have had, you must identify your role in the Drama Triangle.
Everyone who participates in the Drama Triangle has the limiting belief, "No matter what I do, nothing will change. My condition or situation is hopeless, and I cannot change it."
It is time to find out your attachment style. Click here to download the PDF to tell you if you are avoidant, anxious, fearful, or secure! This will make all the difference in the world regarding your relationship.
Three things must happen for a narcissist to change.
In this episode, we will explore toxic shame and what must happen for a narcissist or anyone to heal and change.
www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com
What is the difference between intimacy and desire?
Sex is essential; intimacy doesn't always mean a great sex life.
What are the two things needed in a relationship for intimacy and desire to thrive?
Ready to begin healing yourself and your relationship?
Click here to learn more and sign up for Healing Through Journaling!
No more ignoring your needs, accepting intolerable behavior, forgiving the same transgressions repeatedly, and no more being a participant in emotional blackmail.
If you need help, click here and set up your free clarity call!
What do narcissistic supply, injury, and rage mean?
You will learn all about it in this podcast.
Ready to Heal from a narcissist and your wounding?
Click here to learn more and register for Heal Your Attachment Style & Life!
It's time to go from hopeless to thriving relationships!
What is the relationship giving you? Why are you staying?
If you feel good enough, worthy, loved, confident, have self-love, and have the means to leave the relationship, you do not stay in abuse.
It's that time of year, again, time for my group course...
Living Your Highest Potential, Heal Your Attachment Style & Life! From Hopeless Relationships To Thriving Partnerships!
Click here to learn more and sign up. And don't forget the early bird discount code: EB20
Remember, Every Relationship Begins With You!
How you respond to a BPD is the difference between living in a hurricane and living in a storm. When you are with a BPD, there are very few times when it is calm.
You have a job: to become trained in de-escalating a situation.
The longer you keep doing the same thing, the longer you stay stuck. And we know the definition of insanity.
Click here to set up a free initial 45-minute call.
What's the difference between BPD and NPD? Which one does your partner have? This is a series; you do not want to miss one episode.
Click here to watch the workshop "How To Stop People-Pleasing & Honor Yourself."
You will learn the two best personal development tools I teach (boundaries and assertiveness)my clients to manage, have the strength to make a decision, and possibly heal the relationship with the BPD.
The final episode of self-abandoning. There are 14 core issues, I discuss the 8 I see most often in my clients or their partner/spouse.
This can be a life-changing episode; it's up to you! Do not miss it.
To watch my workshop "How To Stop People Pleasing & Honor Yourself," for FREE click here.
To find out what triggers you, click here and download for free, now.
How can you avoid life's victim traps without resorting to victimizing behavior yourself?
You are in trouble when you can only be happy when someone else is doing exactly as you want.
Emerson said in Self-Reliance, "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."
Ready to start healing? Or maybe you're in a healing program, or you're in maintenance...
click here to learn more and register for Healing Through Journaling and start today!
How can you stop self-abandoning in your relationships? What are the fears and limiting beliefs that cause you to self-abandon?
Self-abandoning is the cause of all unhealthy and toxic relationships.
Healing Through Journaling is a 21-day challenge and healing journey that will uplevel your life. Click here to learn more, register, and begin today!
Should I stay or should I go? This episode discusses some of the most important things to ask yourself when you're in relationship ambivalence.
If you need help finding clarity and are ready to get to work to, please click here and schedule your free clarity call.
What is self-love? What is it really about? How do you know if you love yourself?
What is the difference between what many think is self-love and self-care?
What truly happens to your life when you start loving yourself?
If you are ready to begin healing, are on a healing journey, or are in maintenance...
Click here to sign up and start your Healing Through Journaling TODAY!
Use the discount code: RRP20 to receive 20% off.
- Do you make extensive daily lists of things you should do but can't seem to get done?
- Do you nag yourself and your partner?
- Are you in a relationship with someone who procrastinates or constantly tells you what to do and when to do it? Or do you do that to yourself, procrastinate, and command another?
If you answered yes to even one of those questions, there is a good chance you were raised with an overly coercive parent/s. Overcoercion is the most common pathogenic parental archetype. And it wreaks havoc on the inner child of the past.
If you are ready to stop people-pleasing and honor yourself, click here to sign up for my on-demand workshop and learn how!
So many people ask me how a narcissist becomes a narcissist. Today I deep dive into the neglected inner child. You do not want to miss this!
If you are ready to stop people-pleasing and honor yourself, click here and watch my workshop on how to not only stop people-pleasing and honor yourself but also how to implement boundaries the right way, be assertive, and determine if someone is speaking from their inner child, adult, or parent!
You do not want to miss this episode! The "why's" are answered. Why we stay stuck in unhealthy relationships, what transference is, and why we react the way we do when we are in certain situations.
I will give many examples and break it all down for you.
Click here to set up your free initial clarity call.
Is your relationship causing you extreme pain? Are the messages becoming louder and louder to make a change? But you don't because when you try, you feel out of control? If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you do not want to miss this episode!
I highly recommend ordering the book I referenced in the episode, Deadly Emotions by Don Colbert, MD. It is available in hardcover or paperback.
When the inner child is in control, your life is out of control. One of the things that keep your inner child stuck is people-pleasing.
It is time to leave people-pleasing in 2022 and begin to Honor Yourself in 2023.
Click here to sign up for my live 2-hour workshop, teaching you exactly how to stop people-pleasing and learn how to set boundaries, how to be assertive, and honor yourself.
You want to attend; it is life-changing.
How does a couple start out in love, connection, and happiness and end up disconnected, lonely, sad, and angry?
I deep dive into the abyss of relationship rumination.
If you are ready to heal your relationship or gain clarity on what to do, click here to set up a free clarity call!
Should you stay or should you go?
If your partner has cheated on you or had a long-term affair, you do not want to miss this episode.
There are 14 questions to ask yourself when deciding if you should try to reconcile the marriage/relationship.
Click here if you are ready to find self-love, confidence, and happiness while working through or leaving a toxic relationship.
My DIY course, Tackling Toxic Relationships: The Road To Self-Love, Confidence, and Happiness, is $99 through November.
Use code TTR50 to begin the course today with the discount!
There are 4 words I tell my clients when they're the cheater and are trying to reconcile their relationship: DO NO MORE HARM!
If you are a cheater or have been cheated on, you do not want to miss this.
If you have been cheated on, you must find self-love and confidence to move through this and make a healthy decision.
Click here to learn more & begin my DIY course, Tackling Toxic Relationships: The Road to Self-Love, Confidence, and Happiness!
Use code TTR50 to get the course for $99 through November.
Most people in unhealthy relationships/marriages act loving only after they receive the love they desire. And that love is short-lived!
In this episode, I will unpack how and why this never works. It is attainable but not sustainable.
It's time to find self-love, confidence, and happiness within yourself. Until you do, you will stay stuck in this cycle.
Click here to begin my DIY course, Tackling Toxic Relationships: The Road To Self-Love, Confidence, and Happiness, for $99!
I am offering the course for November for $99 because I am grateful to you!
Use code TTR50 to receive the $99 offer.
Intimate relationships bring about the most pain and pleasure. How and if you work through the pain will determine if you find long-lasting pleasure. Download the free workbook, Unlock Your Secret To Love, I spoke of in the podcast by https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/LimitlessLove (clicking here now!)
In an unhealthy relationship, you will feel ineffective, sad, angry, and mostly frustrated and resentful. And if you stay, you will never fully heal. This episode touches on the question I receive repeatedly, "Should I stay or should I go?" I talk about habits, thoughts, familiarity, maladaptive neuroplasticity, why 80% of people who recover from depression and/or anxiety relapse, and how this is directly correlated to the health of your relationship. If you're ready to get off the crazy train and see if your relationship can be fixed, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to set up your free initial call. )
The 5 A's are needs that most of us were not given as children. To live a full, healthy, happy, and loving life, you must give them to yourself first, and then you can accept them and give them to others! If you're ready to change your life, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to book your free 45-minute clarity call! )
When we are ignored, devalued, minimized, neglected, and dismissed in childhood, often covertly, it changes our ability to handle emotions, stress, and life. And it creates a lifelong pattern of self-abandonment and anxiety. How do you think this plays out in our relationships and the workplace? Find out by listening now. If you are ready to stop the cycle of self-abandonment and instead bring in self-love, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here and set up your initial free 45-minute consult call. )
Heather takes a deep dive at what happens once a pattern of withholding, withdrawing, and projecting has been established between the partners in an unhealthy relationship. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/unlockattachment (Click here to learn more and register )for the fall session of Heather's groundbreaking healing program, Living Your Highest Potential: Heal Yourself, Life, & Relationships! And don't forget to use the code EB50 to receive 50% off the course plus many other bonuses. This code is good for podcast listeners only! It will expire once it hits 10 uses.
Take a raw and in-depth look into codependency. Heather breaks it down for you in layman's terms. Codependency circles the drain around 3 concepts. Learn what they are. Fall registration is open for Living Your Highest Potential: Heal yourself, life, & Relationships. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/unlockattachment (Click here to learn more and register. ) Don't forget; podcast listeners get 50% off, limited to 10 people. Use the code: EB50 at checkout.
Out of your feelings come many addictions and faulty reactions. In this episode Heather will explore how false beliefs control your life. Enrollment is now open for the fall session of Living Your Highest Potential: Heal Yourself, Relationships, & Life! https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/unlockattachment (Click here to learn more and register now. ) All podcast listeners will receive an early bird discount of 50% off! The code is EB50. Plus, you will receive a plethora of bonuses. There is a limited amount of 50% off coupons!
Healthy anger can create a deep connection between you and your partner. However, you must learn to control the reactions that create disconnection, not connection. If you're ready to begin healing but not ready for 1:1 work with me, or if you're in maintenance, my inner healing community is for you. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/InnerHealing (Click here to learn more and start healing today! )
Did you know anger is healthy? But what isn't healthy is being triggered and then reacting in anger abuse. Listen now and find out the difference between healthy anger and abuse. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/triggers (Click here to download a free PDF to help you identify your triggers. )There are nine categories of triggers, with five examples in each category. Identifying your triggers is vital to healing.
Living in a relationship where two people are triggering each other, or one is constantly triggering the other, has severe consequences for our mind, health, and body. Learn the why's behind the triggers. If you are ready to heal and get off the train with no destination, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here for your free clarity call!)
Are you reacting from your wounded inner child or responding from your conscious adult? In this episode, I go in-depth on how to tell if you are experiencing unhealed past trauma in a situation or just dealing with the present-day issue. If you are ready to heal yourself or want to see if you and your partner are a fit to work with me, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45minhttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here for a free clarity call. )
Are you an internalizer or an externalizer? I walk you through one of my favorite exercises to identify your healing fantasy and the other "role-self." And yes, the internalizers usually end up with an externalizer. This episode is powerful.
At the beginning of a break-up, you're barely hanging on. I am going to help you get through as best as I can through my podcast. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/opt-in (Click here to apply for a spot in my upcoming program, "The Love You Deserve is 51 Days Away: Learn To Allow; not resist, and Let "The One In" )
We all have two distinct aspects of our personality: the Adult and the Child. When these two parts are connected and working, there is a sense of wholeness. However, when these two parts are disconnected, because of being wounded, dysfunctional, or undeveloped, there is a sense of conflict, emptiness, and aloneness within. And those things sabotage your relationships.
Which type was your parent/s? You need to identify which type of emotionally immature parent you were raised by so you can start to understand your wounding at a deep level. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/codependent-bible-2-1 (Click here to download my PDF, The Codependent Bible; )I created this years ago, and it is extremely helpful in helping you see your characteristics in 5 different patterns related to codependency.
Time is the wisest counselor of all. Lost time, it's never found again. Oh, the irony. My tagline came from my time as a child, and my discovery that my lost time was my greatest counselor. Because every relationship begins with you! www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com
How do your fears reflect your wants? What's the only thing you can control? When someone pushes your fear trigger, the fear dance begins. https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (If you're ready to heal yourself or your relationship, click here for a free clarity call. )
If only he would...if only she would...If only my son would...If only... Your relationships fear dance will go on forever, the fighting, the bad behavior, the reactions if one of you does not exercise your power to stop it! https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/free-training (Click here to learn more and register for my FREE workshop to learn how to have the loving and happy relationship you deserve and desire)! Spots are limited!
What's the difference between childhood dysfunction and abuse? Do you know it is easier for me to help someone heal from childhood abuse than dysfunction? Why do you think that is? Because a child knows when they're being abused; growing up in a dysfunctional family is not as apparent to the child. And both lead to codependency. Book your free clarity call.
This will go down as one of my top 5 episodes of all time. What happens when two codependents get together, and the circumstances shift? Find out! https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to schedule your free clarity call!)
What do most of us believe causes our emotional discomfort? Someone else. But here's the thing, our emotional discomfort is not caused by what someone else is doing; it is caused by what we allow. Truth bombs the entire episode! https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to schedule your free clarity call! )
If you or anyone you know has any of these characteristics, you live with toxic shame. And shame ruins lives and relationships. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/unlockattachment (To learn more about my healing and relationship course click here.) Podcast listeners can use PODCAST25 to receive 25% off the healing course.
Most couples are not operating as two adults in their relationship. Usually, it is two inner children spinning off of each other or one is parenting the other. What happens when one partner starts to heal? Find out in this episode! https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to book a free initial clarity call. )
Did you know the average marriage contract is made by the inner child? Consider all the archaic data that you are bringing into the union of marriage: the childhood trauma, the patterns of your original family tribe, and the limiting core beliefs you picked up along the way, and then tell me that you are ready for marriage or a long-term relationship. Let me explain... https://snipfeed.co/heathercarter (Click here to get 30% off my DIY course Tackling Toxic Relationship, grab some freebies, and more!)
Who's controlling you? The parent in your head, the conflicting emotions you felt as a child that keeps coming back? Or the adult that keeps trying to reconcile the parental voice they hear-the inner critic-with the discordant emotional trauma of their inner child? The problem is that any of those three people are not pragmatic or rational when in a relationship... https://snipfeed.co/heathercarter (Click here for free resources to help you begin to heal now. )
The anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies will also show up in sexual tendencies. How important is sex in the relationship? https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to schedule your free clarity call.) But only if you're ready to take your life and relationships to the next level.
There is one thing that is more important than anything else to get you to where you want to be... https://snipfeed.co/heathercarter (Click here to access my all my freebies!)
When isolators and fusers get together, the relationship can be defined as push-pull, push-pull. In this episode, learn how and why you become a fuser or isolator and how it affects your relationship. https://snipfeed.co/heathercarter (Click here to download the PDF I talk about in the podcast, Unlock Your Secret To Love! )
Covert narcissists are masters of disguise; so are malignant narcissists until they're not. https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to schedule your free consult call) to see if I can help you or you and your partner!
Who do you give away your personal power to? People can only take what you give them to take. Why do you agree to dishonor yourself and others? If you're ready for change, either as an individual or couple, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here for your free clarity call! )The time is now.
Did you know your inner critic keeps you stuck in low self-esteem? How can you escape the inner critic and raise your self-esteem? https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/conquering-codependency (Click here to download a copy of Conquering Codependency) to begin to conquer low self-esteem. You can benefit from making even just a few small changes. Part of healing is learning your tendencies and realizing you're not crazy.
"The trouble with you is..." Who triggers your inner critic attacks? Life is already stressful enough; our inner critics make it more stressful. Learn how to begin controlling her/him. https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to book your free 1:1 consult call )to see how I can help you or you and your partner!
Why is your inner critic fill you with anxiety and shame? Learn how and when your inner critic formed and how the judgments of self and the people around us is a familiar voice. Can we stop it? If you're ready to stop the voice and be all you're meant to be, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here for a FREE 1:1 clarity call.)
For the first time ever, I am offering a FREE 90-minute workshop: 5 Blocks Preventing You From Having The Relationship You Deserve & Desire! Spots are limited! https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/free-training (Click here to learn more and register! ) You will learn how to effectively communicate and so much more.
Some of the characteristics of the Reject Inner Child: Do not feel accepted by most, including yourself Consider yourself kind of a lone wolf Accused of being self-centered Distort the attitudes of those close to you and flare into hostility against them Suffer from anxiety Bitter self-deprecation Low-level sadness
https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/InnerHealing (Click here for a FREE 14-Day trial of my Inner Healing community!)
Adults with a neglected inner child will often feel... Rage Desolation Withdrawal Detachment Sadness Deep resentment
Is the narcissist in this category? https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/LimitlessLove (Click here to download my free PDF workbook, Unlock The Secret To Love, )to find out why you choose the partner/s you choose!
In this episode, you are going to learn the shifts that need to happen so you can either heal or get out of unhealthy or toxic relationships. What is an age regression reaction? Find out. If you want to learn more about https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/InnerHealing (Living Your Highest Potential: Inner Healing Community click here.) In the month of March, I will be teaching you how to find your purpose and passion. You do not want to miss it!
To leave the Dreaded Drama Triangle and live your best life, you need to let go of 6 things. Learn what they are in this episode of Relationship Rescue! Once you let go of these things, not only will your relationships heal and change your entire life will begin to move in the direction you want it to go. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/miracle-mindset-masterminds (To learn more and join Conscious Creators, click here. )
What you are about to learn in this episode explains the entire reason The Drama Triangle goes round and round like a merry-go-round but without an operator to stop the ride and let the riders off. If you want off of this ride, this game board, then https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/unlockattachment (click here to learn more about my group course,) "How To Heal Your Attachment Style: From Surviving to Thriving In Your Relationship." The early bird special, 50% off code is EB50.
When someone finds out their partner/spouse has been cheating on them, they feel shame, deeply. There are so many questions going through their mind. I talk about how to work through the grief to get to forgiveness. Some choose to end the relationship, and others decide to stay. If you choose to stay, these 10 things must happen to have a chance. The early code for 50% off is EB50. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/unlockattachment (Click here to learn more and sign up )for the course, "How To Heal Your Attachment Style: From Just Surviving To Thriving In Relationships."
Victims need a rescuer; a rescuer needs a victim. What happens when the rescuer becomes the victim? The third role has been activated: The Persecutor. The two-player game now has 3 roles; toxicity and abuse begin. Are you in the Dreaded Game? This episode is going to bring it all together. https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45minhttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to set up your initial free 45-minute clarity call )if you're ready to say, "NO MORE!"
Rescuers need victims, but not for the reason you think. Rescuing enables the rescuer to feel good about themselves and rescue for many reasons, most of which will surprise you. You are about to learn how the rescuer fits into The Drama Triangle. It can be distressing to realize the role one plays is not always so innocent.
In this episode, you will learn the characteristics of all victims, the narcissist being the biggest victim of all, how they take advantage of you, what to look out for, and exactly how the victim fits into the Drama Triangle. If you're ready to say "NO MORE" to crappy relationships, living life in mediocrity and feeling stuck, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to set up your free initial clarity call. )
Is it your partner's fault, the co-worker, the boss? Are you ready for a new way to live? Are you ready to stop falling prey and being a victim? What do you do when you find out your spouse has been cheating on you for two years? And they signed a contract to borrow a lot of money from the woman he is having an affair with? The stories I hear from people dealing with "victims" are endless. To stop attracting victims, you have to stop acting like a victim. Part 1 of victimhood.
If you suffer from low self-esteem/comparing, need to control, think people, OCD, binge eating, have constant mood swings, difficulty in relationships, increasing ability to tolerate emotional pain or bad behavior, anxiety, or denial of family dysfunction that keeps boundaries at bay you most likely are suffering from your childhood story. And that story is playing out in every area of your life. Learn the human needs that deserved to be met in childhood and be fulfilled in your adult relationship/marriage...and so much more.
Growing up in a troubled, unhealthy, or dysfunctional family is very painful. So to survive, the True Self, the vulnerable side, the child within, went deep into hiding in the unconscious part of itself. As we grow, we become all about achieving instead of being. We wear masks, try to fulfill ourselves with things outside of ourselves, and fail. As our relationships collapse, our energy depletes, and our enthusiasm for life is nill, we ask ourselves, "Is this it?" The right question is, "how do I get the life I deserve, desire, and dream of? Let me tell you...The road to recovering your lost identity starts now. To learn more abouthttps://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/miracle-mindset-masterminds ( Conscious Creators click here. )
Is there anything you can't get over? Yes and no. You don't get over it, but you might find a different place to put it. You don't forget it, but the thought no longer intrudes. You don't pretend it wasn't bad, but you have a sense that you can heal. We don't get over the past. We get past it. Listen to the audio from my membership program Conscious Creators on Forgiveness, "I am forgiven, and I am free." To become a member, https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/miracle-mindset-masterminds (click here to learn more!)
The codependent and anxious preoccupied suffers excruciating pain with a narcissist or fearful-avoidant. In this episode, you will learn the goal of the manipulator and the manipulation tactics they use to keep you in line and control. You don't want to miss it! Visit my website to set up your free initial call; are you ready to say "no more" yet? www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com
There are four major types of narcissism, and all share one common core trait. In this episode, you will learn about all 4 types and not only the common trait but the differences between each type so you can spot them. If you are ready to break free from the narcissist and heal, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to set up your free 45-minute clarity call. )
Covert narcissists are in the clothing of fathers, mothers, partners, friends, family members, and coworkers. NPD is not expressed the same way in every individual, but there are typical patterns that are very common. If you hear many or most of these attitudes and behaviors in a person you know, you're probably dealing with someone who suffers—and makes others suffer—with covert narcissism. https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (Click here to schedule your free 45-minute clarity )call to see if I can help you.
This is the audio I use in my course, "How To Unlock Your Attachment Style," to teach you how to create, utilize, and put boundaries in place! Part of healing your attachment style and creating healthy, loving, and successful relationships is learning to use your personal power to keep yourself calm, and boundaries are the most significant part of taking your power back. Honoring yourself is the key; nonassertive people, people-pleasers do not utilize boundaries, and their life suffers. Stop apologizing for being you! Now, in the course, there is also written content and action steps.
Your personality develops from infancy throughout your lifetime. Yes, we have innate abilities and characteristics, but our programmers (parents, peers, teachers, society) have the most impact on what we believe about ourselves and life. Our protector/controller observes our environment and determines which behaviors will work best and please the most amount of people. We create reactions to our environment. The question I need to help a person heal is how does the unaware ego protect the individual's vulnerability and what the unaware ego fears will happen to the person if they are not in control. The controller/protector brings in help through the voices of the pusher, perfectionist, and critic to keep their person safe. If you want to know why you think the things you think and do the things you do, then this is the episode for you. To schedule yourhttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min ( free clarity call click here. )
Is your partner selfish? Selfish people tell others how selfish they are, but selfishness is when you demand that other people cater to your feelings, wants, and needs. You cannot be in a good relationship/marriage while catering to a selfish partner. It's not your partner's lies or selfishness that will destroy you; it's the lies you tell yourself. Grab a pen and paper for this episode; you will need it. To schedule your fhttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45minhttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (ree clarity call, click here. )
I get it; you care about your partner/spouse; of course, you do. When you care about your unhealthy partner and the unhealthy relationship, you might get defensive, react in toxic and unhealthy ways to bad behavior, but you need to care as much about your mental health as you care about the person that is causing your emotional health to suffer. Do not miss this podcast if you are in an unhealthy or toxic marriage/relationship! To schedule your https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (free consult call click here. )
People use belittling tactics to evade, deflect, and gaslight their partners. In this podcast, I am teaching you all the ways a toxic person gets you to do what they want by belittling you; often, you don't even know it. Would you like to learn more about Conscious Creators? https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/offers/5GJ6Cnae (Click here for your 30-day free trial! )
Criticism has tremendous power and can be devastating to our developing sense of self. It becomes the truth of who we believe we are. People that are still wounded from the negative criticism they received as a child are not only extremely hard on themself; their inner critic is brutal, they're also very hard on others. People report being nervous around them. Their partners feel like they're walking around on eggshells, trying not to wake the beast within. And this is because you apply your own impossibly harsh standards and expectations to other people. Listen to the podcast to get an in-depth lesson on how this wounded inner child sabotages your relationship, your career, and your life. If you have any questions, please email me: heather@heathercatherinecarter.com If you want a spot in my life-changing course, "Living Up To Your Highest Potential," let me know you want one of the ten spots.
Are there different levels of narcissism? YES! What about codependents? Yes! The main difference between a codependent and narcissist is that the CD is consciously aware of their pattern, loneliness and that something is wrong. Alone, both will always feel incomplete, unsatisfied, and lonely. Together, they can forget what is wrong with and what they dislike about themselves. They have escaped shame and loneliness and replaced it with what they know best, chaos, dysfunction, and toxicity. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/unlockattachment (Here is the link to How To Unlock Your Attachment Style: from unhealthy relationships to thriving partnerships. ) The code, as mentioned in the podcast, is BF35.
Can you heal in a relationship? Can an anxious preoccupied, and dismissive-avoidant find lasting and healthy love? Is dependency healthy? What's the difference between the codependent and the anxious preoccupied? What's going on with the fearful-avoidant? What does a secure attachment style look like? https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/unlockattachment (Click here to learn more about healing )your attachment style and going from insecure to secure!
Do you or your partner make ultimatums? For example, do either of you say things you regret saying like, "I want a divorce," "You don't care about me," "I want to break up." Of course, no one is ever proud of this behavior but when in pain, your attachment style gets activated, and what the other person does or doesn't do triggers your reaction. Eventually, the crisis will pass, but it will end if your anxious, preoccupied attachment style continues to sabotage the relationship. Email me with questions at, heather@heathercatherinecarter.com
Dating is not easy; dating the opposite attachment style is a disaster. Adults show patterns of attachment to their romantic partners very similar to the attachment they had with their parent/s; other events come into play, too. When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other's psychological and emotional well-being. One must stop confusing love and passion for an activated attachment system, which is anxious, insecure, and obsessive with small windows of feeling secure; that is actually unhealthy and toxic.
What's lacking in your life? The relationship you desire, the career you dream of, is your bank account always hovering near zero? If you're open to looking at old ways that haven't worked and learning how to implement new strategies that do, then listen now. Here is the link to learning one of the new strategies, gratitude. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/the-ultimate-challenge (Click here to learn. more) and sign up before it's too late.
The way we think, the way we feel, the way we act becomes so routine we no longer put our attention on what we are doing or what we want. We keep acting and reacting and behaving in a certain way that brings in more negativity, more angst in relationships, more of what we don't want, but we expect different results. And that is insanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How do we stop?
You elevate your life by taking responsibility for who you are and what you are choosing to become. Most people are already suffering, and they continue to hold onto useless suffering by staying stuck in unhappy, toxic, dysfunctional relationships, careers they hate, with disrespectful, commandos, or uninvolved bosses, and in turn, they are always wishing and wanting but never having. Why not opt for some useful suffering to get where you want to go and then let go of the misery for good? Listen now to begin to elevate your life! For free resources and to get to my https://linktr.ee/heathercarter (blog, website, and more, click here. ) To get on the waiting list for my upcoming course Living Your Highest Potential, click here. Please put in the subject area, "waiting list."
In every relationship there are two halves to the relationship; you and the other person. The only half you are responsible for is your half. The minute you try to be responsible for the other half is the precise moment the relationship begins to deteriorate. What causes this desire to be responsible for your partner's half? Tune in to find out. This episode has the ability to change the trajectory of your relationship starting today. To get access to my free resources, blog, and mini-course, Tackling Toxic Relationships: Guiding You To Self-Love, Self-Compassion, and Happiness, https://linktr.ee/heathercarter (click here now. )
Conflict in a relationship is normal. But when the conflict becomes personal and causes emotional turmoil, it can end the marriage or relationship. In this episode, I discuss the 20 conflicts I see the most in relationships. Do not miss this episode! To book your free call to see if I can help save your marriage or help you through the conflict, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here now. )
Longing is at the root of relationship problems. It spins off from four different mindsets: 1. Reality is not the way we want it. 2. We want somebody or something to change. 3. We believe we are responsible to bring about change in someone or something. 4. We want to protect or rescue someone. Longing is an obsession. You don't know what you can do if anything, but you desperately want to control another and help them change. To book your free https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (45-minute clarity call you can click here!)
To make a sound decision about whether to leave your relationship or stay, you need to go from tunnel vision to a broader spectrum. Today you will learn precisely how to see the big picture so you can leave relationship ambivalence behind and either seek help to stay or go. For more information about me, to read my blog, or to book a call visit my website: www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com Or you can book ahttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min ( free consultation call by click here.) To follow me onhttps://www.instagram.com/heath_carterrr/ ( Instagram, click here. )
Woundology validates your suffering but many take their suffering and victimhood to such a high level it keeps them stuck. Eventually, this person finds a "wound mate." Then it gets ugly. You are free to choose victimhood or healing. You are free to live an abundant life or one that is full of stress and anxiety. The choice is yours. To book ahttps://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min ( free consultation click here. )
If you're trying to decide what to do with an iffy relationship, you want to avoid two mistakes: You want to avoid leaving when you'd really be happiest staying. You want to avoid staying when you would be happiest leaving.
The DIY course Tackling Toxic Relationships: Rebuild YOU! has been released. I have a special discount for my podcast listeners; use POD25 to take 25% off the course. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/tackling-toxic-relationships (Click here to learn more and sign up. )You will get immediate and lifetime access to all modules and lessons! If you would like to schedule a FREE call and see if I can help you, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to choose a time and day. ) Sending much love and peace. Heather
One of the most pervasive myths is that we are entitled to a great life. That somehow, somewhere, someone (not us) is responsible for filling our lives with continual happiness, exciting career opportunities, wonderful family time, and blissful personal relationships simply because we exist. The real truth is that there is only one person responsible for the quality of the life you live. That person is YOU! If you're ready to find massive success in your life and heal your relationship/marriage, https://calendly.com/heather-carter3/45min (click here to schedule your free clarity call!)
Your partner is not willing to change and this problem is making you miserable; what now? Do you want more valuable information from Heather? https://www.hcmindbodypositivity.com/ (Click here to read her blog!)
Think about the time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Were they really good? Or was it never really good?
You've hoped that love would be enough. You've tried to accept things as they are. And you've agonized over the possibility of leaving. Now you're ready to face the choice that's been weighing on your heart. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/freebies (Click here to download Unlock The Key To Having Healthy & Loving relationships.)
We cannot begin to work on ourselves, live a healthy life, and have healthy relationships until we stop obsessing about other people and their problems. Attachment is becoming overly-involved, hopelessly entangled, excessively worried, and, yes, even obsessed. https://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/freebies (Click here to download a number of freebies )Heather offers to help codependents get off the roller coaster from hell. To read Heather's https://www.hcmindbodypositivity.com/ (blog where you will find more help, click here. )
Inner child work and healing is the quickest and most powerful way to affect therapeutic change in people. I believe this with 100% conviction in my heart, I guide people through it and have witnessed their transformations time and time again.
Download the FREE workbook that goes along with this episode byhttps://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/FindYourPurpose ( clicking here, now.) Life has meaning under all circumstances, including the most undesirable. We have the freedom and responsibility to answer the demands life presents to us. A person that has a “why” to live can bear any “how.”
https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/12dailyreminders (Click here) to download the FREE PDF from this week's episode! As we work on changing our codependent thoughts and behaviors, it can help to intentionally repeat healthier thoughts that support us in improving our self-esteem, taking better care of ourselves, and building relationships based on mutual trust and respect.
Codependents suffer from guilt because they have unrealistically high expectations for themselves, are people-pleasers and worry about what others think of them, are sensitive to criticism, and are afraid of conflict and rejection. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/conquering-codependency (Click here to download your free Conquering Codependency )PDF. Learn more about codependency and 3 tools to help you begin to change your interactions in relationships.
Codependency at its core is the disconnection from self. We don’t understand where we end and another person begins. https://heathercarter.mykajabi.com/codependent-bible-2 (Click here to download) the Codependent Bible and learn which patterns and characteristics you identify with the most. Awareness is the first step to healing, codependency.
Affirmations helped change my life. There are two secrets you must know so they work for you, not against you.
Respect me, my time, my flaws, my family, & I will be the most loyal, loving, & giving person with every ounce of my being.
A healthy and loving relationship is mutually supportive and fosters the greatest amount of psychological and spiritual growth for both individuals.
The presence of fear says you are relying on your faith and when you surrender your fear to the inner guidance system & a higher power is when you will be guided.
When my clients come to me they have doubt and trust, love and hate; the bring me all their duality, and my job is to teach them how to be non-dual.
What Are Boundaries? Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.
Anxiety causes massive discord in relationships. There are 3 types of anxiety that effect a relationship. We are going to go through all three on this podcast!
Every time we do something that goes against the beliefs we were taught we feel guilty, we punish ourselves by feeling shameful. The victim carries the guilt, the shame, and the blame in a backpack. That victim reaches into their backpack and smears the crap they have been carrying for a lifetime all over themselves every time they feel they did something wrong, or wasn't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough.
The more you know about your partner's emotional history, the less likely you are to see your partner as your adversary.
When people describe their idyllic first weeks, they describe a perfect world. They felt better about themselves. They had more energy and more positive outlooks on life. They felt wittier, more playful, more optimistic. In the beginning, each partner's goal is to appear less needy and more giving than they really are. If they don’t seem to have many needs of their own, their partners are free to assume that their goal in life is to take care of their needs, and this makes them very desirable, indeed. Think about the efforts one puts in at the beginning of the relationship. If divorced, we only see the new love when the kids are with their ex. We may cook a beautiful dinner, and the house is spotless when in reality, we hate to cook, and our house is normally a mess. We shower each other with gifts, compliments, and morph into the perfect partner to fill our needs and voids. To some degree, we all use denial as a coping tool. When life presents us with a difficult situation, we want to ignore reality and create a more palatable scenario. But there is no time in our lives when our denial mechanism is more fully engaged than in the early stages of a love relationship. Usually, within a year, we begin to be aware of the new lover's negative traits. But we ignore them and push full-steam ahead. www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com
Stop trying to control what is not your business to control, someone else, and fix what is not in your power to fix. What you're trying to control is much better off without your "help." What you're trying to fix in a partner can't be fixed by you anyway. The only that will happen is your relationship will get worse and worse. We cannot be our fearful patterns, our dysfunctional habits, our mind viruses, and expect to be in a loving and healthy relationship. It will not work. The price you pay for not taking responsibility for your own pain is the failure to realize that you can change the conditions of your relationship by changing your thoughts and actions.
Conflict can bring you closer if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more, you can bring deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship through any disagreement.
Sex, how often do couples have it? Who initiates sex? What about rejection? What's the difference between intimacy and sex? Sex and kids? Oh boy! I teach my clients how to be a perceptive partner. This is the beginning of bringing intimacy and sex back into your relationship. Men have sex to get emotionally closer. Women need to feel emotionally close to have sex. This is a challenge. If you are disconnected the man wants sex so he can feel emotionally close to his partner again, but a woman simply does not want sex if there is no emotional connection. You must bring the connection back.
What is emotional mastery? What are the 3 decisions that control your life? Why do we settle? Change happens when staying the same is harder than change itself! https://heather-carteroys.mykajabi.com/highestpotential (https://heather-carteroys.mykajabi.com/highestpotential)
You must release your past, and live in the present, so you can create an amazing future.
What is your threshold for pain? How long are you willing to be disrespected in your relationship before you say, "enough." I find that many of my clients are denying what is right in front of them. We do this for many reasons. I discuss all of them on this episode!
I wrote these 12 Commandments YEARS ago. This is how I live. These are the rules I live by. In this episode I am going to deep dive how to use my commandments to create a healthy, loving, peaceful, and joyful relationship. These commandments will also greatly help you be in charge of your life, your mind and reduce your fear, worry, and stress! I created The 12 Commandments of Being An Empowered Person: Define Clearly What You Want To Give To The World. You need to align yourself with professionalism, ethics and showing up as the highest standard of you, every day. That means you will learn to surrender to the things you cannot control, and let go of the things you desperately want to control. You need to have faith, hope and surrender certain situations to the Universe so you can live the life you were meant to live without distractions. Trust that God is taking care of whatever you have surrendered. Establish And Maintain Safe, Clear, Boundaries To Ensure Great Relationships With Everyone In Your Life. Build Rapport With Co-Workers, Business Partners, Other Parents, Anyone In Your Life That You Have To Deal With Outside of Family. Deepen Your Intuition. When you do this you will be more confident in your decisions, less stressed and anxiety will dissipate. You will know you are making the right decision and will not question yourself. Listen Actively. You will be fully present and pay attention to whomever you are speaking with or dealing within that present moment. You will fully understand what is being said to you and how you would like to respond. Ask Questions. If you do not understand something, you will ask for it to be explained. This way you never walk away from any situation confused, angry or resentful. Communicate Directly. You will use clear, powerful language in all your dealings that eliminates confusion maintains focus, and has the greatest positive impact on the situation at hand. Be Curious. If you don't know the answer to something you will find it. You will use Google, or YouTube, or read a book. You will take the bulls by the horn. You will always be learning, not quitting. Design Empowered Action Steps. You will plan your days ahead of time, stick with your morning routine, set goals, and have a plan to reach those goals within a certain timeframe. Hold Yourself Accountable. You will set deadlines. You will reward yourself for meeting your deadlines for tasks, goals, and finding your Taken Talent. If you don't meet a deadline, you will make a new deadline, and make sure it gets done. Trust Yourself. You will trust that you do know what is best for you, not be sidetracked, celebrate your momentum, and even if you don't believe you know enough or are good enough, you will continue to learn and grow trusting that you are equipped with everything you need. Have Fun. You will make time for self-love. You will put yourself first. You will schedule some sort of activity for yourself every single day!
If you're a terrible problem solver, most likely your relationship is suffering. I realized years ago; I was a bad problem solver. One of the first shifts I did was I started to seek solutions instead of focusing on the issue. Once I started doing that, I realized that there infinite possibilities open to me. I began to see choices. I realized I wasn't stuck. I suffered from years of abuse and trauma; my nervous system was a wreck. I was always in flight or fight mode. I was trying to run from the problem or fight it, but not accept it and find a solution. Start recognizing your perceived problems that seem to be on repeat. Call those problems by their real name, fear. What are these problems you keep telling yourself? Why haven't you sought solutions? When we start regularly talking about our problems with other people, we stay stuck where we are. When we complain about our partner to other people, they will take your side, and no solution will be found. All that does is keep you stuck in the problem.
So whether or not you stay in the marriage/relationship you need to learn how to communicate with your next partner. Yes, there will be a next partner and you cannot keep making the same mistakes. Do not waste time dating until you have learned how to become a conscious partner. Being a conscious partner is vital to your reconciliation, too! A conscious partnership is a relationship that is mutually supportive and fosters the psychological and spiritual growth of both individuals; it's when both partners focus on the relationship as primary. The characteristics of a Conscious Partnership: 1. You realize that your love relationship has more meaning than you once thought. You see the person clearly. The good, the bad, and the ugly and recognize their patterns of needing, showing, and accepting love are deeply embedded within them. 2. You create a more accurate image of your partner. Let go of the illusions and begin to see your partner's truth. You see that they are not your savior nor your adversary. They are another human being that once to feel connected and happy just like you. 3. You learn to ask for what you want. You say things in a concise with, with a kind voice, a soft look, and speak clearly. You use "I" messages. "I need..." "I feel..." You realize you have to develop clear channels of communication so that both you and your partner can get the specifics of the love you both desire. 4. You move from being reactive to proactive. No more reacting without thinking. You will employ new brain responses by becoming intentional in your interactions and practice behavior in a more constructive and effective manner. 5. You focus on keeping the relationship safe at all times. You acknowledge the negative effects of criticism, blame, and shame. You will replace negativity with affirming, positive behaviors to establish the safety necessary for growth. 6. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as well as your own. Your partner's role is not to just take care of your needs. Nor is your role to take care of their needs. You take care of each other's needs while tending to your own! 7. You find new ways to satisfy your basic needs and desires. During the power struggle, people cajole, harangue, and blame their partners to coerce them to meet their needs. When you create a more conscious partnership, you discover that your partner can indeed be a resource for you once you abandon your self-defeating tactics. 8. You shift from judgment to curiosity about your partner in order to discover their unique internal world. You move away from assumptions and judgment and toward curiosity and wonder to discover who your partner is, accept who they are not, and revel in the fact that it is ok. 9. You become aware of your drive to become loving and united with the connecting energy. You must have the capacity to love without expecting anything in return while taking care of yourself. Let your partner know they can depend on you, and they will do the same for you. 10. You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. No one is perfect. You realize that you must be a good partner and the right partner. You understand that a good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to change.
My client Jason went from despair to clarity and lack of self-confidence, fear, and anxiety to empowerment quickly. In this episode, I interview Jason, and you will learn we got him to a place of thriving and empowerment. Jason will share the signs that he saw that his ex-wife was having an emotional affair. We will go through how staying disconnected in your marriage is the pitfall. If reconnection does not happen, that marriage cannot be saved. We dive deep into how trust is essential in the marriage. Jason explains that without trust, he had to make a choice, he didn't want to carry this pain any longer. He chose to let go. As he will tell you, he calls it "lip service," her words were not believable because they were never back up by action. When he filed, she finally started taking action. But it was too late! Do not miss this interview. I recommend listening to the podcast a few times. www.HeatherCatherineCarter.Com
The top 3 things couples fight about: Sex, money, & kids. If your marriage changed when the kids came, you're not alone.
Let's face it, a big reason you're not having sex anymore is because of the kids. There is no quality time, romance is gone, you're fighting over the chores, because you're sick of no sex, romance, and quality time. Then the blame game starts and everything you used to ignore before the kids becomes a pet peeve. No one can let anything go, your arguments are on repeat, and no one will capitulate.
The average couple argues 19 times a month and has sex on average once a week, every other week, or once a month. We're fighting more than we're having sex. That's a problem!
Sex is important. Connection is important. Let's break this down. Women have a hard time being a mother and a wife. There is a scientific reason behind it, and I am about to share it. We become so maternal, we neglect the marriage. I did it too!
In order for Modern Marriage to work we have to start prioritizing the marriage or one of three things will happen:
- Divorce will keep ripping marriages apart
- You will end up in a loveless marriage and living with a roommate
- One of you or both of you will stray
Before we continue you must understand women do not want sex if there is no emotional connection and men have sex to feel emotionally connected. This is the first crossroads.
So where do we start? From the beginning. I have my clients tell me every detail -their marriage story-from the beginning. I also need to know all about their childhood, their attachment style, and about their spouses. I need a thorough assessment to figure out what I am up against. I have to figure out if there is something deeper going on. Ten out of ten times there is something deeper going on.
Let's start here...
What causes the rush of good feelings that we call romantic love? Scientists that study natural hormones and chemicals tell us that lovers are literally high on drugs-substances that flood their bodies with a sense of well-being.
During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases more dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body's neurotransmitters. These chemicals help contribute to the rosy outlook on life, a rapid pulse, increased energy, and a sense of heightened perception.
Oxytocin is enhanced as well. Oxytocin is a potent hormone that plays a role in many aspects of our lives, including childbirth, nursing, orgasm, the bonding of mother and child, and social connections between individuals.
During the phase when lovers want to be together every moment of the day, the brain also ramps up its production of endorphins and enkephalins, natural narcotics that enhance the sense of security and comfort.
Romantic love is an intense emotional experience with measurable biological components-heart palpitations, sweating, sleeplessness, and impaired ability to concentrate.
The joy of falling in love is a part of us; it is a deep-seated belief that love will give us a chance to be nurtured once again and re-experience the sense of connection with which we began our lives.
The first of four sentences that occur early in a relationship is, "I know we've just met, but somehow I feel like I already know you." For some unaccountable reason, people feel at ease with each other. They feel a comfortable resonance as if they had known each other for years.
Then a little bit later, the second significant exchange of information happens, "Even though we've only been seeing each other for a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you." Even though they met only a few weeks or months ago, it seems as if they have always been together; their relationship has no temporal boundaries. We call this the phenomenon of timelessness.
When the relationship has had time to ripen, lovers look in each other's eyes and proclaim the third meaningful sentence: "When I'm with you, I no longer feel alone; I feel whole, complete." Being together for some puts an end to the relentless search for connecting. All of a sudden, you feel a sense of belonging to and being a part of everything.
The fourth declaration is, "I love you so much; I can't live without you." They have become so involved with each other that they experience connecting as their essence, something they cannot lose.
Whether lovers say words like these or merely experience the feelings behind them, they underscore what I have been saying about the nature of our subconscious mind and reconnect to our past.
The reason we choose who we choose is that the person has traits similar to the caregivers with whom they experienced the connecting. This is why they experience a sense of deja vu, a feeling of familiarity. On a subconscious level, they are connecting again with the people who raised them; only this time, they believe their most profound, most fundamental, most infantile yearnings are going to be satisfied. Someone is going to show up and be present to them always; they are no longer going to have to feel alone and empty.
The second statement, "I can't remember when I didn't know you," is a testimony to the fact that romantic love is an old-brain phenomenon. When people fall in love, their old brain fuses the image of their partners with the image of their parents, and they enter the realm of the eternal now. To the subconscious, being in an intimate love relationship is very much like being an infant in the arms of a resonating mother.
If we could observe a couple at this critical juncture of their relationship, we would make an interesting observation: the two of them are taking part in an instinctual bonding process that mimics the way mothers bond with their babies. Researches suggest the oxytocin is fueling the behaviors of both partners. This adds to the illusion that they are going to be each other's surrogate parents by saying, "I'm going to love you the way nobody ever has."
The old brain revels in all this delightfully regressive behavior. The couple believes they are going to be transformed-not by hard work or painful self-realization, but by the simple act of connecting with someone, the old brain has confused with their caretaker.
When someone says, "When I am with you, I feel whole, complete," they are acknowledging that they have unwittingly chosen someone who manifests the very parts of their being that were cut off in childhood; they have rediscovered their lost self.
The declaration that lovers feel and some say that they would die if their relationship were to end reveals the fear that not being together would extinguish their sense of being loved. Loneliness and anxiety would well up inside of them again, and they would no longer feel at one with the world around them. On a deeper level, it shows they unknowingly transferred responsibility for their survival from their parents to their partner. By attending to their unmet childhood needs, their partners are going to become allies in their struggle to experience safety and belonging, which is essential for survival. Even on a deeper level, this sentence reveals the fear that, if the couple were to part, they would no longer feel connected, and they'd lose a sense of belonging in the world.
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How does the saying, "If you love something set it free, if it's meant for you, it will come back to you, if not, it was never meant to be" related to marriage and relationships-whether you have been together two years or 20 years?
Partners are meant to evolve and access the highest parts within themselves. You cannot do that if you are in an unhealthy relationship, or are unhealthy yourself and unwilling to seek help.
Healing occurs in the present. Our pain is not coming from the love we didn't receive in the past, but from the love, we are giving ourselves in the present.
A relationship is not meant for two unhealthy people to stay stuck and stagnate. A relationship is not intended to be the joining at the hip of 2 emotionally invalids without the potential for growth within.
The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete people to become one and stay that way.
A relationship is meant for two people to come together, grow together, heal together, and to keep evolving.
When physical proximity no longer supports the highest level of growth, teaching, and learning, a physical separation will happen.
If one person stops growing, healing, and trying, the relationship must and will cease. If it doesn't cease to exist when toxic, no one will grow or heal. In turn, each person will live within anger, resentment, stagnation, and this is when we begin to develop disease within the body physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You must not be afraid to let the one you love go. For if you are meant to be together, nothing will stop that from happening. Your love will stand the test as long as growth happens outside the relationship, and you both can come back together, healthily and respectfully.