Bipolar Inquiry: Recent Episodes
Andrea Hollebakken
A bipolar journey exploration from many perspectives and lenses.
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Project 427, part two. So I just discovered within myself another way that this could be helpful is that by doing this every day, we can discover, like, if I do create something like, for example, this your plug, this designer, your plugin. If I do this from 427 to 4:32pm, or 8am, if you're an early riser, then one can see that within five minutes, with one's at hands, eisenhardt and some, some stuff, one can create something new. And it's important to approach it without a motive to create something new. Because otherwise, there'll be an idea about what should be created. And that blocks the possibilities, because it's about seeing everything with the whole visual field, and starting to look at everything by withdrawing the focal vision, and going into the peripheral vision. So the whole peripheral vision can see everything at the same time. And that could actually start to inform the hand movements or not. But if we are someone with bipolar, and we do this, and we happen to create something that is amusing, just creating with our hands, eyes and heart for the sake of it, like when we're a child, just for the movement of it in itself. But say we do create something kind of fun.
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I have a couple more things that I want to talk about with myself. And hopefully some of this is tip and the obsession with words, I have a certain project I want to talk about with myself. I don't know if it'll work or if it's something interesting to other people labeled with bipolar, but I think it could be something that's kind of interesting and fun. And there's a few layers to it. And basically, I came up with this idea, after watching some videos by the YouTuber v sauce, and he has a video called messages to the future, something like that. And at the end of the video, he talks about something called the library of Babel. And I'd heard about this library of Babel before conceptually, because I actually had a paper on it that somebody had written. But I didn't know it was a thing, like a thing on the computer. And when I first started writing stuff down for this idea to do with this online library of Babel, which is library of Babel dot info on the computer, the library wasn't up and running. So I couldn't test it out. But I kept going back to it and eventually found out that it was again working, and I got to give it a try.
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So I think I've already created my my grandiose notion, which, which has to do with the singer versity, which is like, if we start moving in certain ways and sharing meaning, then it could have an effect. So yeah, there's something about that. And I'm glad that I created that bit, even though it might not come into play. And now it's more like, well, what am I meant to do? What am I allowed to do? I really, like do I still want to exist? Why am I still here. So many different things. And that's why I want to try to talk to myself, it's, I think, at the very least, it is helpful for survival. I need to continue to survive, we're all trying to survive, and maybe thrive. And I really don't know, if I'm meant to thrive, or if I will. And in another way, I've already actualized myself when I was in California, like I lived, kind of a dream of, you know, being with someone being happy. Having a lot of physical contact and, and fun, and, you know, sunshine and seeing Celine Dion, and then it just all drops out. And I'm back at this whole feeling of, I really don't have that many friends. And so this could be a way of, I need to read befriend myself, I really do. And that's I guess, what I'm going to attempt to do is be friend by myself again. And hopefully, it would be nice if I could make something practical for somebody like to help. I don't know if I will, because part of the trouble is, I don't have a very good memory.
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So yesterday, I don't even know if I talked to myself I can't remember. And I woke up and I felt like so. suicidally depressed, I couldn't even move. It was so painful. And then sort of decided, going to the island. And then I felt like I could move again. And I managed to shower yesterday, not today yet. And I took some of the vitamins that Peter Smith told me to take. And again, I took some today, usually take them twice a day and at bedtime, but it's kind of like once a day happening. And all of a sudden, I felt like a little bit more creative. And like I can do things. And I don't know if I'll be like kind of falling back into the lowest common denominator at some point. But couple things last night, I had this weird experience I woke up in the night, and I don't usually wake up in the night. And somehow I knew it was the middle of the night. And I checked the time, which I never do, and it was 229. And it felt like how I was earlier in the night when I was sort of laying in this certain yoga posture like fully stretched out like this and like stretched out and touching in the back, laying on my forehead, on a yoga mat. And also on an earthing mat. And I discovered last night that doing that posture as well as the reverse waterfall, like with feet up on the couch, on an earthing that took away the pain like I was feeling this pain and the pain, I think has something to do with gravity. And also does the sound that I hear this really loud, like almost like a like a magnet turning or something.
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It's 1112 on January 1 2019, happy new year, I was going to start at 1111. And a friend has texted me a picture of 1111 have screenshot of their phone on January 1. And I looked up and I was 1112. So here I am. And I'm kind of in creative mode right now. Yesterday, I had my teeth whitened. This is the most yellow one, sorry, looking better. I had a whitened and cleaned with ozone therapy. And the lady was so cool and generous with her time and her information and knowledge. So I'm going to look into this ozone therapy thing more. I bought an ozone machine a water ozonator. So I'm curious how ozonated swirl water will be. And I also bought some other stuff for what I'm creating. And some supplement powders like Magnolia bark, because that's an expensive supplement. And if I get it in powder, that will save some money. So I'm leaving the United States or leaving where I am on the 20th of January. So I'm gonna try to order some things that would be not available on Amazon Prime Canada, or would be more expensive in terms of shipping. So kind of be ordering more stuff. And getting all this creative stuff in order. There's been some challenges. And I think this is going to be a challenging year.
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I just had an acupuncture appointment, went to try acupuncture for a few weeks because it's coming upon the time were good have a bit of a crisis. It's the seven month mark, I think. So this next month and a half, something could happen like that. And I've heard acupuncture can be helpful for transconsciousness. And I feel pretty relaxed after that appointment. It was 200 American dollars, though. So hopefully, I'm doing the right things for myself and I created some bracelets like this that I want to give away as gestures of friendship. And I'm hoping that I can get in alignment with whatever it is I'm meant to get in alignment with. In this next while, kind of do or die time. That's how I feel. And we'll see how that manifests. I started taking some doTERRA oils, I got their little family essentials kit, which has lavender, lemon, peppermint, their blend, pod breathe, Deep Blue melaleuca, which is tea tree oil, frankincense, oregano, oil, digestion, which is another one of their blends and on guard. They're all supposed to do different things. And it comes with a cool book, to start to understand what some of them do, as well as information about ones that I didn't get. So I'll buy more, and the nice book, and so my digestion spin off.
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Sitting at the park, some kind of feeling the buisiness of the city, and how not loving that. So leaving in a week I think is good timing because I'm starting to feel I don't like all this traffic and construction can really feel the vibration of sound lately I can feel the airplane vibration in this table that I have my arm resting on the vibration of the music that I play in my car. So I'm sitting here and enjoying the frog croaking to the left and the birds to the right, including a hummingbird that I heard and watching a spider lower itself down by its web in sort of sequential jumps from the roof of this little shelter, and listening to the river. And the wind and the trees and the freshness and the air from the rain. So I'm feeling like where I'm going will be more suitable. Especially for how I'm recently feeling sort of the build up of Okay, what's enough busy city time. driving back and forth in traffic. It's more stressful driving in the dark, and the rain for sure. And just pondering what to take with me, I put some stuff aside to take with me, but I don't know which items I will take and need to pack my clothes, get some health insurance.
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I just had a really simply powerful experience. I was feeling so tired this morning, like tired of my eyes. And I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to shake it all day. And I'd taken my supplements but I hadn't yet had my coffee. So I stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and sat down at a table and, and had my binder out studying what I'm facilitating today. And there was this table of four men across the way, I had my headphones in, and I had taken out my name tag for the group that was on the table. So I heard someone calling my name and it was one of the men at the table across the way and he just started making some small talk, talking about his knee surgery, asking what I was studying for things like that. And after we talked for a couple minutes, even though the restaurants loud and it was sort of shut, it really got up to talk to him, because it was kind of yelling across the way a little bit. But after we stopped talking, that tiredness in my eyes was gone. So it shows the power of the nutrient of human connection. And lately, I feel sort of like I don't feel I don't like living by myself. I want to live around a bunch of like minded people and not not alone. And it's not about loneliness, it's about this fact of the nutrition, the the power of this human connection, the light coming out of someone's eyes. So he was being friendly.
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But it was really manic, I would take it probably put it on my necklace. But I'm not. And yeah, it's been an interesting couple of days. I was super, super tired yesterday. So first thing I want to talk about today is how I know do have a ticket to the event with the spiritual master I studied with 10 years ago, when he was here last. He's from Malaysia. And I guess, somebody else one, one person who I met there, who probably doesn't remember me, they emailed me and said, oh, there's no tickets, you can be 20th in line for cancellation. So it's not likely that you'll get a ticket. And then somebody else emailed me and said, Oh, I'm going to forward your email to that same person that already emailed me and I said, Oh, they already emailed me and said, there's no ticket. And I wrote a bit of a blurb about my struggles, and said, some of the stuff I remember experiencing with this enlightened master years ago, and that I did, you know, the discipline, one class of his in person years ago, and I guess I had mentioned, I listened to a recent talk on his online portal thing. And so I just got an email saying, Oh, we had a cancellation for the public talk. And since you've done discipline, one and listen to talks, we're going to give it to you. So you know, I just bought myself up from 20th, to first and here I was thinking that I wasn't going to be able to go. And I have to work some stuff out with my schedule to be able to go. But now that I have a ticket, I'm going to try to go No matter what, just to say sort of Thank you.
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I'm feeling really domestic, really organized and cleaned a lot I decided to catch up on my laundry today instead of in a few days. Being in this house makes me feel like being domestic first. just noticing that, and for a while I've been wondering about my spire, it's smelled a little bit funny, like, ooh, because I've been using it since, I don't know, April May, and I haven't washed it. And I remember seeing online that it can get run through the washer and, and live. And it did get run through the washer accidentally tonight, so smells beautiful. It didn't go through the dryer, which is good, because I realized I was looking for my spire and I realized I left it on my bathing suit top so it's nice and clean. And I'm gonna let it air dry, it feels a little damp. And try it again tomorrow, see what happens. Hopefully it still works otherwise. Hopefully they might replace it. I remember reading somebody say that. They're good at replacing it because this thing so small, be so easy to lose. And so anyway. Yeah, so I wrote some stuff today. And I'm feeling like, maybe I should stop talking so much about this stuff and, and make it into a game or something or make it into created something creative. Because I don't know I've been I've been saying all this stuff for a long time. And not maybe the universe is playing a game with us. Because maybe I'm saying the same kind of thing over and over. And I'm looking forward to going out and hanging out with people tomorrow. From being here by myself. I don't feel lonely. I don't really get lonely. But I feel like I want to be around people. So it's not a lack. But I just enjoy being around people, especially since I was out and about, it was like I did a 60 day challenge without even knowing it.
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It seeming like I'm saying what to do, or how to do it, or what's right. I'm not doing that at all. And my motivation is to help other people like me somehow, but not by saying the way to do it. Because I really don't know. And that that would be negating people's ability to direct themselves and direct their own lives. So I'm showing me directing my own life and hoping that might help others in some way. Yesterday, I shared that somebody I know from my mental health community had died last year, and I didn't know. And it wasn't long after that other person from my community had died. And I didn't know that that person died. And these, these, these tragedies that happen these, these shortening of people's lives that happen are what motivate me to keep going. I remember reading that book, the grape care, and the lady was trying to carry herself with cancer with grapes. And she shared the struggle of her story and how, at one point she wanted to give up, but then she realized that she needed to live and succeed in order to help people. And at times, I felt like, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to go on, especially when I'm nearly about to end my own life by my own hands, I really don't know if I'm going to be able to keep going. And it doesn't even seem like it's my choice. But I'm still here, I'm still going. And it's sort of a slow go of a journey. But I feel like I need to figure stuff out enough to be able to stay strong in this type of perspective. Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking these bits of meaning to myself, that I've seen and created myself or I've created these perspectives and reframes and whatever you want to call it. And maybe one day, I'll just speak this way, and I won't write them down, I'll just be able to speak this way, in a powerful way to help other people and to keep the other paradigms away from people. So I spoke with my brain twin just, I just got off the phone, and he said he was struggling
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Today I'm going to try this product organic energy drink pilots friend fruit tonic. And it has a lot of caffeine in it. So I'm going to try it doesn't say whether I'm supposed to shake it or not. So I'm not going to in case it's a little bit carbonated. And here we go. I said Kraft. It says crafted in Italy by doctors for pilots. So let's see if I can take off today. When I try to talk to myself a bunch today. It's actually quite tasty. Fruit tonic, it tastes like fruit. I already had my yerba Mattei, which has caffeine in it too. And it is an easy switch from coffee to yerba Mattei. For me. I like the Waukee brand. He was featured on a documentary about sustainability or something I can't remember what documentary it was, Oh, it was the documentary with the guy who jumped out of the window and asleep or something. And he was said to have some kind of disorder and he woke up in the hospital with a broken bone and changed his life. I don't remember his name now. But anyway, he featured that company and I knew about them probably 10 years ago at the eco friendly show here and they talked about how at least at the time, their packaging was completely completely compostable and stuff and I've been drinking their yerba Mattei for years, it's a lot cheaper to buy it from them online in bulk. If you drink a lot of it, then then retail.
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I forgot to share an important part of the story, the sad story that I was sharing yesterday about a friend acquaintance of mine dying last year that I just found out about yesterday. And the interesting thing was, we're talking about this person. And then in the background, we're watching music videos, like retro music videos. And the video that was on. When we were talking about this person, which we saw after we were talking about them, or talking about how sad it was, the name of the artists, the first name of the artist on the TV music video was the same as the first name of the person who passed away. So then I said, Oh, they can hear us they're communicating with us. Yeah, whoo. So that was, that was cool. And everyone thought it was a neat way to look at it. So now that I talked to myself about how perhaps, the feeling of future consciousness of so called mania is his presence is eternity. Perhaps it's an algorithm of eternity and has nothing to do with future. So could be eternity consciousness. And then what happens when we go through the wormhole of brain algorithms, back to consciousness of self, which isn't creative, and it's actually non existent. So so the eternity consciousness is existence, whereas living in thought, and the feeling of having a separate self is illusion, or maybe Maya, as the Buddhists would say.
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And I'm just waiting to see my counselor. And I got three new notebooks because I filled up my last two. I kind of like these ones because the pen goes on the paper better, that doesn't leak as much. Work hard, dream big, be brave. And get busy. I like to be. I like honeycombs, and that structure of how they all connect together. And I think we're kind of like a honeycomb structure. Humanity is and then I went to the health food store to try to get vitamin C serum, but it was so outrageously priced high. And I know I can get it cheaper on Amazon. So I'm going to do that. But I got a drink that I've never seen before. I've seen the bread company, they're the apple cider vinegar people and the liquid aminos people, but they have a drink, and it's Concord grapes. So I just thought I would try it and buy something in there. And yeah. And I also got a coffee. And when I was driving to the health food store, I took a different way I took the way the maps told me and I saw a metaphysical bookstore, so I might pop by there after my appointment, and then somewhere else and then I'm driving out to see a friend. I'm feeling pretty tired. These last couple of days, because I'm taking only a quarter of Sapa cone and I'm not sleeping as much.
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And I think what can happen is in mania is there is a sort of dreaming while awake algorithm in the brain. So there's lucid dreaming, where one becomes consciously aware, one is dreaming, and then controls the dream. And I think what happens in mania is that the person, whether they know it or not, has been woken up from the dream of objectivity. And one is more in contact with subjectivity, like a dreamer would be. But I don't know, if we are usually aware of this, it just sort of changes in is kind of magical. And we're like, oh, this is strange. But I think that which realize is it that which wakes up is something more universal. So it could be a universal human consciousness. It's not that a self or a thought, is aware that one is dreaming. Like the self is this structure of thinking. And in order to wake up, well awake. That's that self structure needs to actually dissipate. Because that's all structures that actually which is wasting our energy in lower energetic states of the brain. Because it's repetitive. So all of a sudden, now we're in this really awake state where nothing feels like repetition, everything feels so new. We're looking at something as if it's for the first time. And in a way, that's because we're not looking through thought. We're not looking through the lens of the thought of self. We're just looking. So there's something totally different.
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I haven't really spent a lot of time in this room. And I'm trying to speak a little quiet because this house really echoes. And after I finished my Subway sandwich, a friend of mine texted and said, Hey, do you want to come and visit my little studio set for my TV show. And so I said, Yeah, and I had to be there in half an hour. So I dropped everything and went there. And it was kind of neat. Very cool. And I sort of wanted to see what kind of setup he has to have a little TV show. Just curious and curious to see what he does, because he really connects people, he's really good at interviewing people, he's very positive, I really resonate and gravitate towards this person. And so it was a great experience to be able to do that. And that's sort of what I think is cool about how the last three months I spent time mostly out and about eating at restaurants, sitting in a coffee shop, meeting a friend in the sitting in their coffee shop. Not really talking to too many strangers and things not really having any bad interactions, but not having. Like, if I was in Romania, I would probably meet a lot of people and they'd be talking to me and things.
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Things are really unpredictable for example, might not be able to tell, but there's a haze from fires in the interior. And they just, it just arrived this morning because it wasn't like this yesterday so you can see it better there because the sun is kind of blurred out. And the reason I mentioned this is because it was raining for a couple days or cloudy without the smoke and I was thinking well after after the rain goes away, I'll be able to sit in the sun and get a tan well I can't really do that now because there's smoke and there probably will be for some period of time think last year was like that for quite a while. Spider eating a bug. So as much as we'd like things to be predictable, they're just not that way. All of a sudden the smoke from the interior makes its way down here and it's the sun. vibration is largely inaccessible. And I got a little bag of hide shoes. I bought a Costco bag a couple weeks ago and I ate it pretty quick. So I got a small bag because they were at the drugstore where I dropped off my prescription for nausea Nan and they said is discontinued or they can only get the five milligrams not the two which is what I was prescribed. So they're gonna have to do some dangling to get the fives and then at the doctor to change it to two and a half milligram prescription so I can take half and my doctor also upped the dosage of trazadone to up to 150 a night I've been taking 100 I could try 150 and skip this awful cone but I've been sleeping so well and I don't really want to mess with it right now. So I'm going to keep up that same regime of two and a half Cotai pain 100 milligrams trazadone and half is awful calm and I went down to one Benadryl um, I try to get rid of the Benadryl. And yeah, so high twos. Remember reading an article on Dr. mercola.com, saying it's good to have less than 67 grams of sugar a day? Well, there's 25 grams and eight pieces of these
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There's a lot of bugs in the grass here. So I feel kinda like, grumpy about that for some reason. And yeah, I think I heard someone calling me but I was in my dark room, and I just didn't get up. So I feel like that's partly because I didn't know what time it was. And then I looked at the time and it was late and I missed out so I kind of feel bad, feel maybe mad at myself. Because I know I have a bit of a wall up. in general. It's sort of like, walling off that energy as to not share it with anyone because they don't want it from what I've seen in previous waves of that energy. So I feel kind of disconnected and even more forgetful about people. And I still feel kind of like, I'm just not going to come back. And so maybe part of putting up that wall is just preparing myself for that perspective of, I don't know, if I'm coming back then I had a little bit of suicidal thinking. And it's like, no, don't think that way, just think I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back here doesn't mean like death would be the same thing leaving and not coming back. But so is going on a trip and then going with the flow after that. So just feel a little bit weird, I don't know. And there are a lot of bugs in this grass. And I signed up for for Steve pavilion as 30 day abundance deep dive was 100 bucks us and I'm just watching some of his bonus videos right now he has one on subject subjective reality, which I think is something I need to learn about.
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I'm gonna keep talking to myself, not every day, but whenever just for the sake of continuation of the journey. And mainly what I do lately is wake up shower, but I didn't this morning and then leave the house and do whatever, wander around. And I'm finding that I'm losing any sense of being able to create a routine because I don't have a home that's fully equipped with everything I need to make routine, like a kitchen. So I'm spending way too much money eating at restaurants. Yesterday, I spent $25, on dinner, I spent 10 bucks on coffee and ice cream. And that was it. That's a lot $35 a day that could almost pay rent. So yeah, I need to be better about that. But I'm also enjoying hanging out with friends when I'm with friends. And usually we'll eat at a restaurant or something. So it's not bad. But it's not sustainable. But I am planning to leave in a month or so anyway. So it's just sort of the cost of not having a kitchen, and I am getting a sense of what it is like to live just having a place to sleep and shower, which is enough in the summertime. In the wintertime, it wouldn't really be good, it wouldn't work out because I don't want to stay there during the day. And so I'm just heating up some waffles at someone else's house, and then I'm going to go spend a day in the sun. Yesterday, I went for a hike and then late at a park and then went for dinner and then watched a movie. I watched the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was interesting.
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When the brain speeds up, it goes further and further into the dimension of light. So then, if one is still around the dimension of matter and heaviness like, for example, a bipolar person living with their parents, parents have a different worldview. Bipolar people can take many worldviews. So when the brain speeds up, one can get a lot done. But then in order to really. So if I go out and about in the world, and I'm perception action, like, I don't know if I'm in matter or light, and other people don't either, and that doesn't matter. But then when I come back home, I'm definitely needing to slow down here, my brain has to slow down because energy levels are slower. I can get faster here, like I could work on my computer all day and speed up in this environment, but then I would have to slow down like brain would naturally. And when it does slow down, it can be painful, it can be sad, it can one can start crying or being moody.
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Last night, I couldn't sleep. I was trying to fall asleep. And I was just feeling so wide awake in the dark room. So I took half a sleeping pill and I fell asleep. But I only slept probably eight hours. I don't think I got to sleep until one woke up at nine, some going to work. And I was driving just feeling kind of angry. So I'm still stuck at the level of consciousness of anger. But then it was sort of morphing. And I was feeling like the power of it and feeling like moved to action by anger versus festering in it. And so I was sort of, I don't know, like enjoying the anger, or like neutral about it, as opposed to resisting it. So it changed in a way like, it made me realize, hey, in a month or less, I could go back to the island, or when I go to California, if I go, maybe I can try never come back, or just keep going on a journey, like go on a journey. See what happens. And so my mind was a little bit more focused on that. I do want to see Celine Dion. And I might do this online meditation program, because an enlightened master I met years ago was coming back into town. And I was thinking of one day traveling to see him just to be like, Hey, what's up. And I do think this struggle moving in and out of Paradise is going into paradise, aka kind of mania and falling out of it depression.
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Part of the trouble with the mental health system is that they take authority over our inner experience, our subjective experience, and then they tell us what that experience means, according to their training. But they can't stop us from figuring out our own meanings internally. And my eyes are kind of squinting, because I feel really tired. I had to wake up earlier today than usual. And I'm wondering if we're not bipolar, but we're non dual, we get in touch with non dual consciousness. And I don't know much about non duality. But when the non dual consciousness comes in, it feels so wonderful and it goes into magical pneus. But then around others who know us who don't operate that way. We manifest as non dual in that we manifest as sort of the sum totality of the chaos of that situation. And we act it out. And it's showing that we're not this consistent person. But the medical system insists No, it's a consistent person suffering from inconsistency. There's a person in there. But there isn't a person in there. But I don't think people want to know this.
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I think one of the signs that the self is absent. traumatized self is one can see beauty and is in a bit. So I was feeling some pain in my body. And I decided to go out for a walk. And then I looked down from the cliff and the water It looks so magical I just want to get in. It's pretty cold though. And I feel like I could just stay here all day and watch the water flow. So changing and new. And then I was watching these barnacles, I've never seen the big barnacles that have these big things to canal, they look really ancient. They're combing the sea. So I took some video of this beautiful spot. Maybe I will try and get in the ocean. One day when it's not windy. Maybe the cold will be good for my body. Try that. I'm laying kind of upside down on a rock. Waters back there. Beauty is immense. And we're all friends. I wrote down something before I went out for a walk I wrote down that the answer isn't in detaching from those one is attached to. But in loving everyone. As much as one word if one did unconditionally love those one was attached to through life circumstances. I don't know if that's true. There are no words. Why is it that sometimes one could watch the ocean for hours with not a single thought. And then other times, one cannot stand another single second of this existence. Because of the pain of itself. of continuance of trauma
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Can't tell if, from the ocean when the waves come in, if a sound is reflecting off the leaves shortly after, or if the waves are sort of creating a wind that's making the leaves make that sound that is equivalent to the ocean waves. So I hear the waves there. And then I noticed I could hear the waves behind me. And there's this direct interplay between the wave sound and the sound that the forest behind me is making. And maple trees. That's the only name of a tree I really know except for pine, pine, and maple. But one doesn't need to know the names of things in order to appreciate them, might be easier to appreciate them when we don't know the name. we're so busy worried about what the names of things are, and we're not looking at it. But as the waves get louder, the sound of the trees gets louder, too. And it's really fascinating discovery, I don't know if it's, the change in pressure that's causing that sound of the leaves or the wind or no can't really be the wind because unless wind is slightly coming in, or the air is changing slightly with each wave. And the air is counting is carrying the wave sound and then it's reflecting off the leaves and coming back. Sounds like such a boring thing to talk about, right? But when I heard that, when I realized that it was really a remarkable thing. It's something that I could sit here and observe for several hours, just that one fascinating aspect of reality, and I would listen in such a way that some point, I'd understand how it worked.
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So I need to overcome my laziness, and cook. So I will do that. I'm glad that I broke the ice with that. And I'm sitting by the ocean, and doable bit of reading, I might do my coherence breathing with the heart math device that I got, because I'm not having very many calm minutes of breathing a day, according to spire, so something I could do to bring in the calm breathing. Could be a good thing. Not sure. I'm reading a book by Dr. Joe dispenza, called becoming supernatural. And I want a chapter where he's describing how Thought and Feeling can influence the brain and body. So he's talking about experiments where people were asked to imagine themselves lifting a weight or doing a bicep curl or flexing their bicep as hard as they can, every day for 15 minutes for 12 weeks. And I think they found that just by thought alone, they were able to increase their strength by close to 11%. And have a few things to say about this. One is that if that person was to actually lift a weight for 15 minutes a day, for 12 weeks, they probably would have gained a lot more strength than only 11%. And then also, if that person is imagining lifting a weight for 12 weeks, but then doesn't intend to actually lift a weight later on, they've just wasted a bunch of energy building brain cells and neural networks that they're not going to use.
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When life doesn't conform to a pattern, and that's something that we see when we start having these so called extraordinary experiences is that reality doesn't actually fit the pattern that we've been imposing upon it and living by and I really feel there really is something to this relativity and consciousness thing. Like we, as we exist, now we exist relative to each other. We're all sort of in separate worlds. So then, depending on how our two worlds meet, that's how we manifest like the mathematics between the two. So we're sort of result of my conditioning meets your conditioning, and how that plays out. As opposed to the notion of the possibility of an actuality based on one mind and I feel that that's kind of what we go into when we Go into mania and everything works out so perfect. Because we're in this one mind, actuality, where things aren't dual. So whatever is within us, is immediately presented to us in actuality, because life isn't going to a pattern, it's going to what is there in the moment. So what is there in the moment within us, if it's a lot of energy, then a lot of energy comes towards us in terms of people and things and ideas. So I'm not sure about that. But I noticed that on Tuesday, Thursday, last week, I had a lot of calm breathing in 40 minutes plus, but I was stressed out like I wasn't calm.
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I'm out doing a nice long walk I feel really tired today got really tired, pretty tired. And I slept 13 hours last night from like 9:30pm to 10:30am. And it's kind of good because this point in time and my bipolar biorhythm, I'd likely be sleeping like six to eight hours, which is very little compared to 12 to 13, or 10 to 13 hours. And then I get to a point where I can't sleep at all. And I've already had those blips where I couldn't sleep or couldn't fall into sleep. And I was able to take supplements to fall asleep. So I wonder if I'm even over the hump of the crisis, I could be in the post crisis follow up where I'm more tired and a little bit lower mood. And I did not drink coffee yesterday. And that probably has an effect too. I'm going to try and not drink coffee this week, just in case that leads to that sort of anxiety feeling. And I was trying not to take extra uppers like tyrosine or methyl full aid. But it might be a little bit hard to get through the week. If I don't take some at some point. I don't want to feel like really low. But I don't want to feel that anxiety feeling. So that anxiety feeling indicates that I haven't yet hit the crisis. So I really don't know what the best thing to do is. But I do need to remember that. This point in time, right now, this next month or so is really about navigating the crisis. And I'm a little bit distracted by other dynamics. But the thing is, during a crisis, those other dynamics kind of come in and are really distracting.
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I just saved a bee. And my mouth was frozen because I had some cavities filled. But I was walking out from the dentist, and there was a bee on his back going crazy. So I picked him up with my suntanning glasses. And then I drove down and I was gonna put them in the bushes here. So if he was gonna die, at least he could die in the dirt as opposed to on the cement on the stairs where someone was probably going to step on him. And I was taking a video of him with my macro lens. And watching him struggle for so long, I realized he's sort of struggling with this really small piece of fluff maybe I couldn't decide I couldn't figure out what else was wrong. And I used to have these like medical tweezers just lingering in my car. Oh, I probably have them. I probably have them in the trunk, but I didn't think of that yet. So I took out a pen. And he was on his back struggling so I sort of was just sort of like trying to pick this fluff off that I couldn't even really see with my eyes. I could only see it really with the macro lens, but I kind of knew it was there. And as I started to do that, I might have got the fluff and then he started to struggle and he was on his standing on his front and flailing instead of on his back. So I opened the door and then I did a bit more and I was pretty sure I moved the fluff or or got it and then he flew away. He just flew away. So that was so great. I really didn't think I could help that be at all. I just wanted to put him in a nicer place. But at least he got to fly.
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When I was trying to go back to sleep, I was experiencing that kind of remote viewing thing. And usually that only happens at night when I'm trying to fall asleep the first time, but not in the morning, when I'm kind of waking up and trying to go back to sleep. So could be a sign that my brain is starting to go into altered states ish. And I felt a little bit of like, I wouldn't say they're like suicidal thoughts, but just a little bit, kind of, I think feeling the pressure of getting out of here might be good to go sooner rather than later, but two more weeks, and then I'm out of here. And I was also feeling a bit of weirdness around not talking to certain people. But usually when I leave, I'm on good terms, but I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. And my stomach's been bothering me. Yesterday, I started typing a blog post, and then I ended up typing 7000 words. And I think I fried my brain a little bit. There were parts of the day when I was typing, where I literally felt my body disappearing. And then I was remembering that I'm not supposed to be working on stuff like that, Oh, just one little quick blog post an update, and it turns into 7000 words. So I need to remember to go back to doing nothing, because this energy, if I put it into doing will augment that and I was making, I was writing an article about non doing, but then I did a lot of words.
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Something that just came to mind regarding possibly. Why in quotes, some people are a lot of people who have a history of trauma, then end up with something like so called bipolar. And one could say, well, it's partly because of unresolved trauma. And how do people often resolve trauma? Well, it's finding out who's to blame. And then maybe going after them in some way to make somebody wrong, such as via the justice system. So it's about punishment, punishing somebody. And it's possible that a lot of people don't go that route, for whatever reason, they don't have support, they don't want to, they're too afraid. It's not something that's punishable by law. It's a hard path to go. And maybe some people see the futility in that path. Or they feel it was partly their fault. So you know, sometimes people have these trauma backgrounds, and they end up going into a so called manic state. And a manic state is creative. And what I'm trying to say is, there could be a blessing in disguise in quotes in that going after somebody to punish somebody doesn't really resolve anything. It makes somebody right and somebody wrong. But this division of right and wrong, and somebody is good, and somebody bad, is all conflict and nothing The world is going to be resolved by conflict. And I'm not saying that to say like, there's no such thing as a crime or whatever.
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This morning, I was supposed to go to an event. So I had my alarm set for 730. And I was so tired. Thing is because I take all those tranquilizing supplements, so I didn't get up, I slept until 10. I feel like my brain needs all the sleep it can get. In this morning, I took a tyrosine for the first time in a week or so, because I was feeling a little down. And I also took a methylfolate, because that has brought me up a little bit before. And I don't know if that's necessary, but maybe it's not necessary to feel down if one can take a supplement that gives the brain the building blocks to be a bit more up. And it's especially because I'm going to be around other people today. And I don't want to have like a negative brain state that might be able to be remedied by a simple remedy. Because that ripples outwards. So we'll see because sometimes that affects sleep. And I also saw the magical forest again last night, and I was able to look at it a bit longer, and there was more of it as well like more of the path. And I was able to look at it for more than just a glimpse, I was able to kind of like, be there and then like look around for a second. And then it withdrew. And I was wondering if it has anything to do with sensory deprivation, because when it happened last night, I heard this humming noise so I put on my ear muffs those kind of big awkward ones and I knew I wouldn't fall asleep with them on but I at least wanted my brain to settle down with quiet and then that was laying on my back and I saw the forest and I was able to look and so my my hearing was deprived and same was seeing like there was no light in that room it's complete darkness. And it made me think of like a float tank where it's dark and there's no sound and things like that.
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My plan today was foiled, I was going to go to the family constellation Meetup group, which is a seven hour meetup. And I left a little bit too late, I was thinking it would only take an hour to get there. But it was more like an hour and a half. And then I got stuck in even more traffic. And then I finally parked in the same place I did last time. And it wasn't $7.25 it was $23 exact same parking space and place. So I started walking towards the meetup, even though I was already over half an hour late. And that parking space is about half an hour walk from the place. And I parked there because I thought it was going to be $7.25. And the traffic was so bad, I couldn't go anywhere else after I parked. And then the street was being paved, and I couldn't even cross the street, going straight up or to cross to go over left, it diverted me right. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to be past the hour. And last time she talked for the first hour and then once she starts the first constellation, it'd be pretty rude to show up and the constellation go out can go on for like an hour or maybe even two. So I don't want to stand and wait for that long outside the door. So I was like, screw it. And luckily I grabbed my rollerblades on my way out the door. And I just ditched the event. I sat and just chilled for a while outside for like an hour or so and then went back to my car grab my skates just went to my favorite place to skate. And I've already skated 23 miles. And when I started I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm tired. I don't know if I can even do this. And I've skated 23 miles with this is my second break, I took a first break pretty quick into it. And then I just skated for miles and miles miles. And now I'm taking a second break, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't do another lap. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. Which is good, because the spire device says that I didn't have any calm time yesterday, and none so far today. So I think tomorrow would be good to be to have a calm day
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You know, you're in a bit of a time warp and consciousness when one of your apps reminds you that you have a blood donation tomorrow on April 17. When it's may 1. And speaking of may 1. Today, it would be my two year anniversary. Since I was released from the psych ward, I don't remember the exact date. I was released from the psych ward two years ago, but pretty sure I was out of there by May 1. And I think I can't remember if I was out of the step down from the hospital. Or if that was mid may think it was early May. So it's about two years now, since I've been hospitalized. And it's been a long and difficult at times journey. Yes, yesterday, I got my heart math device in the mail. And it uses an app called inner balance. It's much like the complete coherence app. But prettier, I guess. And perhaps a little easier to use. Because for the complete coherence app, I use a chest strap. So takes a second to strap that around my chest. And this device, you plug into your phone. They also have a Bluetooth one, but I thought the plug in was a bit easier.
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This is how strange insight is I've been thinking about not having inside and leaving inside alone and I was singing a little bit. And then realizing I was having an insight into how I'm waiting for the vibrato to come in. And it's not something I can do or Command now, but I can invite it and maybe it'll eventually happen. And then I was thinking about certain symptoms that I've had of like shaking and being cold and that sort of vibration. And then I had an insight into how maybe some symptoms can actually be signs of what our, our talent or gift was, or should have been, had we gone along that path, as opposed to going along a path of being mechanized and to some kind of function as a cog in the machine of society's commercialism. So I was having an insight into the possibility of how symptoms are, of suppose that illness are signs that might point to what our artistic gift was, and might have been. And still could be. And maybe talking about insights when I have them is good. That's why I'm just doing it now. And I haven't had a shower yet. I'll talk more later, I'm going to go back to singing while I have a few minutes of space to myself. finally made it out to the park. After procrastinating. I wanted to charge my spire and then put it on, but I forgot to put it on before I left.
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Yesterday and last night was a rough night. I was triggered yesterday. And then I was talking to a friend after on FaceTime and got some distressing news that's not completely related to me, per se. But I don't get just stressed only by things that relate to me relates to her being human and sort of distressing unsolved news that relates to some details my life too. So, after talking, I just felt really, really disturbed by that. Really disturbed and I had trouble sleeping, and I felt so much pain in my body and fear for for this news that I heard. So again, life brought me back down to earth. And I still distressed by it, and I'm feeling kind of depressed today. And I didn't have a very good sleep, I think the sleep cycle shows I slept better than I did, because I was still awake at 130. And I had to get up and take one extra zinc and one extra sunflower lecithin, because I took one zinc at bedtime, and three, sunflower lecithin, so or maybe four, so I had to get up and take the fifth sunflower lecithin. And I did fall asleep. But I didn't go to that breathing workshop this morning. Because I would have had to get up at like eight or something. There's one again tomorrow. And I don't know if it's part one and part two. So my email to ask if I can go tomorrow if I sleep better. And I wanted to go and that's the thing like that happens is when I sort of hit the wall, there's some things I want to go to and then I don't get to go. And I feel like I can't go like last night I felt like Oh man, I just can't drive all that way.
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It's either today or tomorrow that kyron a comet enters Aries. And I looked into it a bit and it looks like it enters Aries every 50 years, but it will be in Aries for nine years. And I'm going to talk about this more later. But today, I'm going to go and donate blood. kyron represents the wounded healer. And it's coming into my birth sign either today according to one website or tomorrow on my very birthday. But first reaching out to heal others who are in need of some blood. So I'm going to go do that. And then I'll come back and hopefully I'll get a chance to talk to myself more later. Chiron enters Aries blood lady just told me about a book club dirty jeans. Hello was a really successful blood donation. Papa Paul. And they also gave me this neat little three time donor thing, though, it was my sixth time. And I just saw a llama which is really cool. And last night I slept really well. I fell asleep right away, I only took one dose of the falling asleep vitamins and I didn't take as much as the night before I took one last sunflower lecithin I think I took less taurine. Hopefully, I won't have to take taurine at bedtime at all. So I am going to start to minimize that falling asleep stuff. But it's nice because for these last two days, and today that I haven't been taking the dopamine boosters, I felt tired at around seven or eight. I stay up later. But it's good to feel tired, because that'll help me fall asleep.
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So I did have to get up. Take more sleep supplements. And this is the thing waiting too many days now. I don't even know which day I did what? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I took the dopamine boosters had trouble sleeping. So then, yeah, that's right. I took a screenshot of the hour that I wasn't able to sleep. And then I got up, took the extra supplements. And I fell asleep. And I'm having trouble remembering what I took exactly it just it doesn't matter. I had to take more sunflower less than maybe tryptophan, glycine, taurine, zinc, probably not sync. And then I did fall asleep. So then on the 14th, which was Saturday, I didn't take any dopamine boosters. At all. I didn't take the rhodiola or the trip to the tyrosine. I probably took Magnolia bark, and that's the only one and I don't think I took the skullcap. So there's not that many dopamine boosters. Some of them work on a dopamine a little bit, some of the neuroplasticity ones. Okay, my brain is getting really confused. And I'm going to leave that first part in just to show that I'm losing track of everything. I think it was on the 13th that I didn't take dopamine boosters, at least I didn't take tyrosine. And on the night of the 13th. I did sleep well without getting up and taking the extra stuff. The sleep cycle app says I slept from 1108 to 805. And I had 87% sleep quality according to their algorithm, which is good.
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So today, I experimented with not taking any kind of dopamine enhancers. I didn't take tyrosine I didn't take rhodiola I didn't shine on the sad light, or the blue light. And I did take Magnolia bark, I didn't know that it acted on dopamine until I was doing a little bit of studying of the balancing brain chemistry protocols. So I did take Magnolia bark. And there might have been something else that I didn't take. And I also took 4000 milligrams of tyrosine or sorry, taurine this morning, as well as 18 grams of glycine, which is triple dose. And then I also had six grams of glycine and 4000 milligrams of taurine, half an hour, so before dinner. So I've upped the sort of calming amino acids and down the dopamine stuff. And I did that partly because of what happened two nights ago. But even more so because of what happened last night. Last night was crazy. It was absolutely crazy. I again, couldn't sleep. But I was trying to sleep. And this thing that happens that I didn't really think too much about a medicine something but it before happened where I close my eyes, and I can see this energy. And it's like I'm looking into something, maybe into everything I don't know, into like the dream world. And I can see all this energy sort of fluxing around and then sometimes it creates shapes and pictures and things. And then every now and then it sort of coalesces into a very clear picture. I can see like a person very clearly, or another person very clearly or a house somewhere
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Today, I got a lot done. And I was looking forward to talking about some of it. But just within the last five minutes, I really feel like my state of consciousness has kind of gone like and I'm not really sure why. So later on that same evening, I found a clue. This is a screenshot of an app called nature mood that I downloaded after watching the movie The solar revolution. And that sparked my interest in geomagnetic storms. At the top here, here's the geo index. And there is a geomagnetic storm coming up. It also has bio rhythms if you put in your birthday, it has millimeters and Mercury whether moon cycle and at the top the geomagnetic storm. So a G one storm is coming in these next few days and it'll be interesting to see if it has any kind of effect. That was the eighth and ninth 10th 11th 12th and maybe on there is geomagnetic activity so I find this really fascinating and I'm going to pay attention to this. Good news as though I found a mini cactus Look at this. Look at this baby. Squirrel water. What I wanted to talk about today was how I ordered a ton of supplements. What else is new, but I probably spent like maybe like 500 bucks on supplements today. But it's going to taught me up until the end of June. So with what I have now and what I bought, I should have enough for my crisis. And what did I order I ordered mostly from vitacost and I also put an in an order with I herb for these two per day. capsules and here's another bottle and I ordered the powder of this on I herb and I ordered one bottle of Cal brand lithium orotate because I ordered three bottles on vitacost three bottles is only a month and a half worth but they might think it's more than that worth. And I think you can only order three months worth Max, so I didn't want to chance it.
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That's a really nice day. So decided to go for a walk in the park. And everything starting to bud or even some flowers. Spring is here. So have to keep that in mind to remember to get outside when I can. And I'm on day two of ketogenic, even though I've been doing it for a few more days than that, yesterday was the first day that I was really able to stay in my targets of fat and protein and carbs. And I'm doing good so far today, too. And I weighed myself today. And I'm 117, which is down two pounds from 119. So that is a bit of evidence that this might help for some fat loss. Not saying I'm fat, I'm not fat, but it's good to cleanse and get rid of some of the old fat every now and then. Because I'm not going to stick to this ketogenic thing forever. Maybe a month, maybe up until my next crisis, maybe only a couple more days, I don't know. And it looks so magical. And it feels kind of like, inside is coming back a bit. I wasn't sure if it would being on 50 milligrams of typing a day, but starting to write down some insights. So that could be a sign of dopamine getting higher. And I emailed Peter Smith to do another consultation with him to talk about his suicide remedy program, or anti suicide, it should be really remedies to help when this switch happens in my brain that makes me feel like I want to harm myself or in my life. And the last time it happened, I just felt like I was ending my life in my brain. But I was just laying there. And I was fully aware of that. But it was just agonizing. And then I had to go back on meds and it was such a long, hard journey. So wouldn't be planned better, and prepared better this time. And I also asked him in the email, since my cycle of eight and a half months is very predictable. If I could start tapering off the antidepressant stuff, that sort of pushes me towards mania a month before the crisis, and maybe if that lowers the dopamine, because in the past, I haven't been on these remedies, and it just seems to naturally get higher and higher
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For the lithium orotate, it came to mind that I could put my lithium orotate caps, the Swanson brown ones that look white in with a vial of lithium carbonate. So I took out the lithium carbonate, filled it with lithium orotate. And I only had 45 of the Swanson brand. And I need 60 to get through the month. So I took some of the Dr. Napier lithium orotate brand that looks kind of like aspirin and put up with my baby aspirin. So that reminds me I need to take those out. Because right now, I don't actually know if I took baby aspirin or another lithium orotate because I didn't quite separate them yet. So that's how one with the vitamins, because I had other stuff on there and it was gonna be like 30 bucks American, I'm like, How can I not spend this 30 bucks American right now. And I'm really glad to be here. This shows that even when there's months of real struggle that it's, again possible to make dreams come true. Whether it's international travel or whatever, there's always ways we have that creative energy and we can use that creative energy to create good situations when we're in good internal states. For now, not much to say it's being present. Can you hear something I wonder what it is? What extra bits did I end up bringing I brought my chest strap in case I want to do some coherence breathing and I haven't done that in a long time. Now I also brought my earthing shoe attachment and this might make me look a little weird, but this is somewhere I definitely want to be connected to the earth and have that energy go directly to my skin.
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And this can be a good day and a bad thing at the same time. Definitely spending more money, which is one of my sort of signs of being a little bit more than happy side. But I feel like I have it under wraps. I was going to dollarama, mainly to get a couple of things. Here's my list here. I wanted to see if I could get a better iPhone holder. Or if they had a two amp charger, plug, I need one for my external battery pack. And the one that I'm using belongs to a phone that I need to return. So I need to get that but they didn't have that. Then I saw these sporty dry bags for water sports to throw in your electronics and stuff different dollar am on my way out after I'd already stood in line for a long time. But they didn't have that I did get some double A batteries because I wanted to try it in my remote control for my TV to see if it works because the robots not really working. So I got that. And then I wanted to get some of these flat batteries because I have this cute little lamp. But the batteries were kind of corroded in here a little bit and I only have one of them. So I'm trying to decide if I want to bring this little lamp to California because where I am is sometimes kind of dark. So let's just get right to it to the whole perception action thing. So there are those. I don't think I grabbed the bottom to this. So I'll have to try that in a minute along with the remote control. And then I have these dumb slippers who only $3.50 add another pair that my mom got for me but I lost them. There was a power outage for a few days and I was wearing them then also I couldn't find them and my feet have been cold down in this new basement area. So I figured for $3.50 solve that problem because socks don't quite do the trick for some reason.
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There are a couple of things I want to talk with myself about today. As I sit here in my beanbag chair that I got for $10 at Value Village. But to start with today was supposed to be a milestone day. And I know that because I marked it in my iCal, I was marking certain milestones when I was doing the micronutrient protocol, and hoping to be able to stay on micronutrients only, and no psycho pharmaceuticals for as long as I could. And today was the day I marked as eight and a half months with zero medications. And that would be eight and a half months on micronutrients only. And then I also marked it as 11 months since the last crisis. And I think I did that because I had some crisis like stuff when I was in California in I think it was late March, early April ish. And then yeah, so that's how it went. So enough, a half months, no medications micronutrients only, and then adding two and a half months. That's 11 months ago, there was a crisis at this point. But this isn't the way it unfolded, unraveled. What actually happened was it did unravel. And things unraveled for me in mid October, so October, November, December, January, February, four months ago. So I was able to do about five months on micronutrients only. But then I had a crisis at more or less eight and a half months since my last prices, blah, blah, blah, lots of different days. But had I been able to do micronutrients only up until this point, it would have been eight and a half months with only micronutrients. So I marked in my calendar, and here I am arriving at that day. But like I said, didn't happen that way. I went back on psycho pharmaceuticals in mid October of 2017. And it was a real struggle for a good three to three and a half months. And an even harder struggle than in the past. So I'm going to delete this event. Now that I've talked about it, because that's not the way it happened. And I've been on Seroquel since mid October, I'm only on 50 milligrams at night, which isn't too bad. And now I'm aiming for something different.
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So today's moving day, I'll have a bit more space. I think it'll be a noisy space. I don't think with my hypersensitivity, I'll be happy with the space. But I also see my ungrateful bitchiness coming through. So we'll see how it goes, this mess will be, at least in a bigger space. The moving process is slow going. I think I strained my back a little bit. And I'm a little bit sick, I started to get sick yesterday, my throat, kind of a bit of a fever. But usually when I get sick, it's not too bad. And I haven't taken any brain guest rodon or CDP calling for two days because I ran out and I'm not going to replace them until closer to the time that I'm supposed to start going downhill again. When it seems my brain cells start to die back and go into past past stuff. And tomorrow will be the last day of CDP calling, which I'm also not going to replace because those three are kind of on the more expensive side. So to keep track, I made a note in iCal to buy them a month before the eight and a half month mark. And I'm pretty sure that mark is mid April. So starting the mid March or something like that, which isn't that far away. And the other thing I've been trying to do lately is relax my face. I'm getting this like big scour line, which not only is kind of icky, but it's sort of indicative of being angry or something. And I remember when I was in the hospital of April, in April 2016, when I was put on those anti psychotics, I was really holding a lot here and I took a picture of myself and it was really pronounced. And then I realized, well, I'm taking those anti psychotics every night 50 milligrams of Cotai been so that's probably contributing to that tension. So I didn't really think I was holding tension there. But I can release that tension whenever I put attention in that area, which is probably quite a few times a day just remembering to relax. And I find when I do that, when I relax, it's a little harder to open my eyes, I feel kind of like my eyes are looking down more and just relaxed. And then to actually lift them as harder than if I'm kind of like focusing and lifting my eyes. And why is this important? Well, how we hold our bodies kind of is mirrored and indicative of our internal state.
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As I've mentioned, within the last couple days, I feel like I've clicked out of the worst of the worst. The depression, the feeling suicidal, the not knowing what to do with myself next. So defaulting to Netflix and YouTube and staying in bed. And just now I kind of realized what the difference feels like, in a way. Because I was getting ready for the day. And I was stopped by this feeling of, Okay, I need to put on my makeup. But I want to grab the different types of lithium orotate, I have and show it on video. Oh, and I need to write this down. And I want to write this on my blog, all at the same time. So the brain goes from no possibilities, feeling like, I may as well in my life where it's painful. So I want to where I could to, there's five different things I could do at one time. I just had some probiotic. And also, when I was in the shower, I had the sense that it's possible that depression and mania are two different worlds. So I'm, I think I'm in a elevated state, slightly manic. Or I was just recently depressed. Or it could be that when I'm depressed, I'm in a different world, I'm in that sort of lower energy world. And when I'm manic, I'm in this other world. It's like two different worlds.
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I don't really think I need this coffee at 230 in the afternoon. That's so beautiful. A rare sunny day. Small morning, I did something drastic. I went and applied for a warehouse job at a really big company. And they're pretty much hiring on the spot. So I got a job, which is good, but bad thing is, it's nights. So I'll definitely be testing my ability to stay awake, and stay sane while trying to stay awake. And then I went and got a blood test lithium levels. And I'm on 900. And last time I was on 900, I had a result that was too high. So we'll see what happens this time. And then I did something else that was drastic, I decided to return my iPhone x. It's really expensive. And I could have sold my old phone for a decent amount. But thinking about how I'm going to be working in a warehouse, and realizing it would take me 100 hours to make up the cost of the iPhone. Doing that math makes me realize that I should return it I can always buy it again if I feel like I need it. But I didn't really think it was that great. Maybe because my mood Sox the camera, the camera was better, of course. Oh, it's going that way, don't worry. And the other thing cool that happened is that my car turned 200,000 kilometers old. So it's been a pretty eventful day.
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But on another note, if one looks at Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness, I think anger is the the level of consciousness right below 200. And anger is more powerful than the other states below like despair, shame, apathy, things like that. It's still below the level of 200. But the level of 200 is courage. So I do feel like I do have some of that courage, because I'm trying to go on with this. But there's still anger there. It's a mixed state of anger and some courage. So you know, then it goes to willingness, then it goes to reason, and it goes to love and it goes to joy. So I was probably at joy at some points in California, for sure. And that's what I think about with this bipolars it's going up and down the scale of consciousness. And so, now, if these amino acids could help, I'd be great. And I don't know if I said but just taking these few that I had already and having Little bit of an effect gives me some hope that maybe I will be able to navigate with these amino acids. And I need to change my attitude from that of being. This is going to work forever. Yay. I'm transcending and blah, blah, blah to how is it today? And if I can get some good days together, what do I want to do next with my life? If it's not yakking about transcending and things like that, and, and all the spiritual stuff. I think that world is there.
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I did three holotropic breathwork sessions and I'll try at some point to remember kind of what happened. But what's more relevant is that it really did do something especially the first one. I was a little bit tired after that. So I was maybe more lazy with the breathing but it was pretty cool and pretty sure it did a lot. Last night I couldn't fall asleep though. I was feeling that vibrating sensation big time and I don't know if it's because I took only half a Seroquel the night that night before. And then I was trying to take zero circle that night, just see if I could. But I couldn't I had to take half to get that my Brady sensation to settle down. I probably tapered off at too fast because on Tuesday I was taking three than I think I took two then one then half. So that's a pretty fast taper. So I'll keep going at half and I'll see if today later I get that by Brady sensation that's really uncomfortable. It's pretty hard to fall asleep when my whole energy field feels and body feels like it's vibrating. But I wanted to see how much I could take her off. And I might have to be on more of it when I get back home. Not sure we'll see. And I got to work on that thing for the business course. I really hope my brain will cooperate. That's part of why I want to taper off the Seroquel because my brain doesn't start to speed up again until I'm off Sarah call us usually
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So today is officially 18 months since I've been in the hospital. And before that I was in the hospital three times in 14 months, so I have gotten better at staying out of the hospital for sure. But definitely still struggling right now. yesterday and the day before, I didn't have to take any Seroquel during the day, I took two micronutrients twice. But at night, I'm needing to take three, Seroquel and 900 milligrams of lithium, and 50 milligrams of trazadone. And I still feel kind of shaky when I sleep. Don't feel completely safe. And I've been reaching out to the universe about holotropic breathwork. Maybe I'll take a trip to do some of that. I think I need to get rid of some of this energy in my body. And I'm also looking at Airbnb places in case I want to go and have some peace and quiet and don't really have the money. So I'm not sure maybe I should have spent money on something else than an iPhone. But I am trying to design a different life. But it's hard because I don't have the energy to move much. And I also was looking at vans, and I found a van that has a high ceiling. That is kind of a Junker. But it might be fun to fix up. But I don't think I'd have anywhere to park it is the problem. So yeah, I really don't know. But I feel like I've gone from feeling like Oh, I got my 25 years back to hopefully I can make it till the next day. And on medications again. So not having my 25 years back. So that contributes to this because I've failed with that mission. And also, I'm seeing that that might be because I have a totally different mission. Or maybe I'm not really meant to make it. I don't know. I feel like I need to do something to get rid of this program in my body that seems to want me to in my life
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So I thought I was through the worst of it when I made the videos at the park the other day, but I wasn't. So I still don't even know if it's a good idea to talk to myself. But I feel like I need a new life strategy than the one I've had this last year. So because this one has failed, I failed to talk myself out of the mental health system. I'm back on Seroquel, and I'm tapering myself onto lithium again. And not sure if it's a good idea to do this without the help of a psychiatrist. Yet I feel like it's hard to do stuff. So even making a call to make an appointment is hard. And then I can drive right down the far so I need someone's help to drive me. And so I feel like by trying to be strong, I've I don't know. And I haven't showered probably since the last time I made videos. And I was in bed all day yesterday. And right now I'm trying to color kind of like people do in the psych ward. And yeah, this has been really, really, really, really challenging. I feel like, now I just feel like I'm a bad person. Like I have a mental illness, but I'm the bad person. And the other day, I was sitting outside and talking to somebody and then somebody went away.
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I'm spending some time in my favorite Park. And my brain is definitely in the past feels like lower levels of consciousness. It feels like a life review while alive. But more subtle, it's one thing after another, and then it's dropped. I find when I don't add a layer of judgment on it, and I'm with it, then it doesn't add up. It's not additive. It's there one thing after another, but they're not piling on top of each other, and creating a sense of a me that can do something about it. If I were to judge it, then that brings in the me doing something with it, which is judging it as challenging, and I find that my brain in the background is trying to figure out what to do with it, seeing that it can't do anything with it. But that it's still there, influencing every single thing my brain sees. So in that way, the brain is doing something with it and about it. And when there are these challenging things, the brain wonders if it will be able to handle it or go through this or what or if it'll give up. And there's all these paradoxes and loops, and there's no way to figure it out. Maybe part of figuring it out is figuring out what the causes. And I had the sense while I was folding up my Laura bar wrapper that if I was to think the cause of it, getting crumpled up was my hands. crumpling it up. I'd have to go back and figure out when did I put it in my purse? And then how did I get that box of Laura bars? I got it at Costco or Did someone else pick it up for me? And what else? So the causes there's no cause it's, everything's happening. So the brain is quite boggled. For some reason I was thinking of creating 12 steps to undo karma, which in a way is trauma, but realizing that one has participated with a lot of these things. And wondering why and wondering, will it avoid it in the future? And is that enough? Or is there something to going back into the past? And I did buy the tiger trauma book and the Bernie brown wilderness book and then this Tiger trauma book. I ordered through Amazon, a paper copy because it has a CD with it.
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So one human brain restored. Takes, for example, X amount of dollars out of going towards the pharmaceutical companies, which in Canada comes out of the health care budget, which then comes out of people's taxes. And, of course, that is completely necessary one it is. But when one brain is reforested and again thriving and creating energy and living, creating and not living in this fear cycle which diverts money and resources to the pharmaceutical company, and people talk about in terms of cost to the economy. So, one human brain restored, Now, again, possibly contributes to the economy. And that's not really what's important. What is important is that a person isn't suffering as much, and they're not going to die 25 years early, imagine having a person alive for those 25 years. And not only that, but being a creative member of society. And just one person, I think has a power of, I don't know. So there's probably math behind doing something to calculate. Restoring one human brain to thriving is the equivalent of how many acres of forest or how many liters of ocean or something.
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I have quite a bit to talk about, but I don't really have much time to myself. So I'll see what I can get through last night. I didn't have any trouble falling asleep. Actually, when I was falling asleep, I felt something shift and click. And I felt like I was floating. And before that happened, I saw a friend of mine, in my mind's eye from California. And his smile just radiated to me and I smiled back. And I felt that energy of our connection, and I just felt like I was sort of one with him and his consciousness. And he's such a wonderful friend that I haven't thought too much of because I forget everything. But he was just so there and present with me. And I felt like I was floating. And one. And then at something like 330, in the morning, I had that scary heart thing happen where I wake up. And it was this sense of panic, I would call it. And if I were in California, it might be something that would make me take a Seroquel. But since I'm at home, I got up and I took a vitamin C, lipids, ferric, vitamin C packet. And then I put on some Krishnamurti audio and just listened to that and fell back asleep. And yesterday, I was doing some reading, and I was thinking about how, before I was ever labeled with mental illness, I was in this kind of process for two months. And at some point, eventually, I couldn't handle it. And that might happen again. But I'm seeing that in all the years leading up to that transformation that was turned into a mental illness. I was doing all that kind of reading. And then I got transformed into mental illness. So I've been focusing and reading and learning about different perspectives and talking about this along the way. But I realized yesterday, if it was a transformation process, I need to start reading about some of these maps of transformation again, because I've been spending a lot of time making my own context and meaning in order to move myself out of the mental health paradigm. But I'm sort of lost in my own map making process. And there are other maps for transformation. And I don't know if that's what's happening, for sure. But I'd rather assume that then assume that it's returning symptoms of a mental illness.
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I've been reading the book, swarm intelligence and writing a few things about creativity. I feel some of what I've been bumping up against these last days is wanting to live creatively but facing the reality of living in a room in a basement suite with family. And that feels like a contraction. And yet at the same time, I probably could create my way out of that really quickly by say, putting some affiliate links on my videos and sharing them all publicly at once right now, seeing what happens and just wandering off into the unknown. But that would make me appear really crazy. And I'd likely get captured and sabotage everything that I'm attempting to create in a somewhat intelligent way. I don't know if it is intelligent only time and creating it will tell. Because the line I'm going along creating is continuing to do a bit more impure support for the next month, then starting the business class, hopefully and doing that for two and a half months and then launching a business. And then if I do take off, make that trip part of the business lunch or having a business that's online, then I can take off on a trip.
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So I've had some quantum weirdness for sure. Yesterday, I was trying to read some older insights from California, just by speaking them audio wise, and I've been feeling slightly odd for a few days. And it coincides with certain events plus hitting the eight and a half month mark of no crisis. But there is something subtle going on in the background. And I remember saying to the universe a couple videos ago, okay, universe, I got this, I get it, I know what you're talking about. You don't have to totally freak me out. And I feel like for example, yesterday, I felt like I had to be outside. And this is one of the things that happens. When I start feeling kind of like a homeless person, I feel like I have to be outside, like homeless people are usually outside. And so I was sitting outside, and I did some recording of my brain signals using the Muse headband. At first, I was feeling distressed, but only subtly distress, but it was there. So I recorded those brain signals in a zip file. It's in my Dropbox, and it's under October 2. And then when I felt calm, I did it again. Actually, I did it starting when I took vitamin C, to see what kind of effect that it would have on my brain signals. But the thing is that I wouldn't be able to graph that for a while. But I can at least collect some of the data during this weird period of time. And I was looking at the screen and not the screenshots and trying to compare the screenshots. I took my brainwaves months ago, couple months ago or something to now and it does look different. It seems like one of the bands in the gamma range in the orange 33 hertz is quite pronounced. Okay, this is an interlude because I just looked up 33 hertz, and this website, it's to sync.com or something, says 33 hertz is the pyramid frequency or Christ consciousness.
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And today is the day I marked in my calendar as the longest I've gone since the major crisis I had in January. So that's a pretty big milestone. So every day after this will be the longest I've gone. Though I did have some more crisis stuff come up in March. But it didn't get bad because I nipped it in the bud with Edie psychotics at the time. And then I went on the journey of tapering off all medications and have been off all medications for 17 weeks. And I'm in my favorite magical forest. And it looks extra magical. This says it all. They talk about tree hugging. There's three trees hugging. And I don't feel like I have a lot of words right now. I'm not sure what that's all about. I think it's a bio rhythm of sorts.
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And I don't know what's now because my brain is really opened up. So I feel like talking to myself and grounding and then I feel when I went out to check the mail, I came back. And then I put my foot out at the dog in the house didn't kick at all, but I guess it had a sore spot on his neck, and he hoped. So would almost make it seem like I kicked it off. When I didn't at all, I just was putting my foot out to stop it from getting hair all over me. And so I feel like oh, this is where I need to settle. Because this is when the big visions get in the way of the small. Now, gestures that are just as important. It's always a bit of a sign when I start writing sideways on the page like that.
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But I feel like since all of us, who have been so indoctrinated into the system for so long, what we're going to discover as solutions and things we want to work on, and goals are largely limited to the way we've been programmed to think about ourselves. So there aren't out roads in that there aren't people thinking that they can really move beyond all of that. So I feel like, I want to point that out. And point some ways out that are possible, doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody. But I feel like we're so deeply conditioned to stay within that framework that we're gonna get stuck there. We are stuck there. And there are other ways and solutions. So I do want to be able to point out solutions. And that's not really the role of a peer support worker. So I do want a different role.
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I feel that the brain can be pondering something that's sad and disturbing. But if it's something meaningful to be sad, about, perhaps the brain is still in a calm state. So if I was maybe ruminating on work, or a certain person that I have a conflict with, I'm just making that up, then the brain would likely be active. But I was, it felt like my brain was active. But it was active in pondering this deep connection with nature and what had happened. And so it was calm, what I'm trying to say it was in deep resonance, and activity, even though it was in a calm space, it wasn't showing was active, though my brain was quite active, it was calmly active about something really deep and meaningful to me. And this is where I wonder about their algorithm for what they're trying to calculate, because I wasn't focusing on my breathing at all, my mind was kind of all over the place about the beat, but it showed it was very calm, I was not focused on my breath, and my body and Me, me, me, I was, I was considering this be this baby baby and being with the baby, and how I had been with the baby for two hours, and then it didn't have good ending. But my brain was still calm, because it was something so meaningful...
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I'm gonna use news sent by the ocean here listening to real beauty not simulated. And I just made a really, really big meal of rice and Indian sauce, feeling so hungry lately. And I think it's partly the blood donation. But I'm going to sit here and muse, so talk later. So I need to add something to the lifestyle design creativity I've been working on this morning, which is visiting farmers markets, I got this really great bok choy to add to my rice and Indian sauce. And I got a vegan bar, and I got a non vegan brownie and some fudge. There's fudge everywhere here. And I also got some bee pollen. So these are some fun things at the farmers market. Oh, and I got some bugs. So which I'm going to save for next time I go to California, I checked with them. And they said that it lasts in terms of its effectiveness. So yeah, these are some of my scores, lead farmers markets. I didn't know there were lizards here poor little guy. It was supposed to be raining all day today. And it's not. So I did succeed in changing the weather ever so slightly. So I'm able to enjoy outside a little bit. And I picked a bunch of hair off the bathroom floor from blow drying and straightening my hair, which is within the last couple of 100 year activity or less. And I'm going to take that hair and put it in the ocean to have some of my material here or give that material back. It's not mine. All the matter in our body changes. So I'm going to put in the ocean. And when I was when that was arising in mind to do that. And since I've been thinking a little bit about nature mysticism, which could be a little bit related to shamanism. I was pondering how one can create one's own nature mysticism. So I don't need to necessarily go to shaman school to learn this, but learn by doing something and making these kind of gestures towards nature to have a relationship. So being related to nature by putting something of one body in the ocean, and it's a very small gesture, but it's a gesture nonetheless.
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So perception first the act of seeing, what are we looking at? Are we looking at life? What are we looking with? Are we looking at the past? And I wrote down the word super Hugh mania, manic mastery, master your creative perceptions. So when we go into consciousness or so called mania, all of a sudden, we are initiated into this process of creative perceptions meaning that the old loopy thoughts on repeat, aren't as much participating in our perceptions, we're seeing something new. So we're having these new words and memes and, and thoughts come into that. And it's challenging because it's a lot more information. And it's not necessarily a lot more information. But it is because if every perception is new, there's no repetition. All of a sudden, of course, that is a lot more information than having X amount information in the day, which then repeats the next day, in terms of thought loops, and much of what is in one day is repeated. So if everything is new, in a day, day, by day by day, one can get overwhelmed by the new because new perceptions create new gestures and behaviors, which then unfolds a different life. And the patterns of our life mixed in with the patterns of other people's lives, can make it a really bumpy ride. So we might have all these ideas about how we want to unfold our life, but other people's ideas about how we should be doing that, or how it's so different, and how we're acting so different, can be a barrier. So I came across the Krishnamurti quote, talking about utilizing the total activity of the brain, and that it has extraordinary capacity and energy. And when we go into map consciousness, I feel like we feel this. We actualize this, we feel the extraordinary capacity and energy of the brain that it has, that we don't necessarily unfold as our life on a daily basis. That is until we go into map consciousness. And can we ask fundamental questions? Can we move into living as an inquiry? And I'm wondering about that, as part of it. So that would be being in the forest and inquiring into nature and by doing so, developing a relationship with nature. So business based on asking fundamental questions to create neuro elasticity and fluidity, new perceptions, and new gestures, and creative perceptions and gestures of kindness, and finding out for ourselves what fundamental questions are. And for myself, I'm kind of wondering how I can live my life without all these papers, because I'm trying to write stuff down. And part of that would be perhaps doing live videos or something at some point, or live audios. And just speaking, whenever. But that's not possible at the moment, because I am going to design some kind of business.
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Yesterday I edited videos while doing two laps of this park. This morning, I started pretending that I could design some kind of more succinct course, because I've talked to myself for probably going on 200 hours on video now. And I would think that I might be able to create something that as summarized, because it's a lot of me talking to myself. And I wrote this. And so I was trying to break it down into several parts. And the first one is safety. Because living in these new ways can feel unsafe at times. And it's a process that doesn't guarantee survival. And neither does daily life. Anything can happen at any moment. Whether one is going through some kind of transformational process or just walking down the street. So making it through isn't guaranteed and none of us are going to make it through at the end. But I feel like we can create safety for ourselves using different tools that make us feel safe when we can be very creative with this. What makes me feel safe and what's helped me over the last couple years is having some kind of PRN, anti psychotic, having also a zap strap so I can keep myself safe somewhere I keep my body safe if I start experiencing things that aren't really congruent in my mind. And then a lot of times it's just the gesture of knowing that that is there. That keeps me feeling safe. And I don't actually have to carry that out. So I'm going to insect just pooped. This could be a sign from the universe. What was your all truism? So I'm going to skip ahead to step four, which is harvest practice embody and what was your altruism, because the universe via some kind of insect excrement wanted to highlight that point. And harvest practice and body is something that is ongoing. One can recognize elements from the magic state in daily life when one doesn't feel like one is in the state of magic. Maybe I can use the word you are we I like the word we. And then step two is designing your dreams. And I realized that that could possibly be a good step to and I welcome your feedback on this because now that I've transcended and I'm no longer on medications and not needing to, in voluntarily participate in the mental health system. And that energy is freed up from worrying about all of that and feeling like one day I would like to transcend. I'm realizing how do I live? What is life all about now that I don't need to refer everything to mental health that happens in my life. So I feel like I could have benefited from designing that while tapering off medications. And so this is for people who want to taper off or who have tapered off or are dreaming of that one day and gestures of moving towards those dreams even before one has tried intended because I feel like part of what helped me live the dream of tapering off medication was moving towards and carrying out my dream of going to California. So I might have thought, Well, when I taper off medications one day, if I ever do, and I'm out of the system, and I'm feeling good, then I'll go to California.
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I did so much again today. The days feel really long. The sense of time is different. And what did I do, I got a mailbox for a year. And then I put that address in MailChimp, I bought another four boxes of the lighthouse ferric vitamin C. So that was about 150 bucks, the mailbox was about 150 bucks. And I bought some tickets to Boney m, and Abracadabra. And that was about 120 bucks. And I'm booking my trip to the island, my little retreat. I didn't pay for that today yet, but I'm going to pay for it tomorrow. That's 160 bucks, plus the ferry, I'm spending a lot of money. And I'm thinking of buying that private video embedding plug in. And that's about 150 bucks. So, good thing I'm going back and doing a bit of peer support stuff to be able to fund these kind of shenanigans. Tomorrow, I'll likely book my retreat and pay for it and book, a forest bathing walk. And my schedules really filled up. And I wrote a long email reaching out to a neuroscientist at muse. I reached out to someone who's part of ecpr. And I spoke with the job opportunity that I was talking about. And they offered me a full time job. And I said I had to think because all of a sudden, all the lifestyle design elements here are falling into place. And I feel like I need to give them a chance. Plus, I'm newly on to the micronutrients. And I do want to see if they can prevent crisis for nine months before doing a big major move. So we'll see, I think part of my decision will be depending on if I qualify for this business class that's going on in November here. Because if I do, then it might be a good idea to take that course and learn a little bit about starting a business. Because it's a course for people who are labeled with illnesses or have other factors that make life challenging sometimes. So it would be free. So yeah, so much going on. And the days feel long and full of a lot of different things. I feel like I did so much today. Got so much done. And then here I am sitting at the park. feeling like I could just sit here forever and it feels like right now is forever. And tonight, I will again use my muse headband.
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This is my third day on juice and kombucha only. I'm feeling really good. I feel like maybe I have an allergy to some of the food that I've been eating on a consistent basis. But last night, I actually felt really crappy. Though during the day when I was at the park making videos, I felt really good. So think I'm just rediscovering and learning about myself. When it comes to hormones, when it comes to how people around me make me feel, or different combinations of people, places times. Today, it feels fascinating. Yesterday, I felt like I can't be around people. I have to get out of the house now. And I went to the park and I was good. And then I went back home and I felt like I can't be around people. So I went to Walmart. So yeah, three days, two and a half days on kombucha, and carrot juice, and juice. I've been doing juice only and kombucha only the last couple days. So I just grabbed a few juices from booster juice to keep it going. Because I didn't have any carrots to make carrot juice. So we'll see what happens and how long this lasts because I'm feeling pretty good today. Yesterday, in the afternoon, I was feeling quite awful. So we'll see how it goes. And today I'm feeling good. And I had energy and I was being creative. I set up my Square Reader a little better, I put it as sink rivercity wellness, and now I carry it with me as a prompt to see where I might be able to use it. And I started printing a sinker versity Wellness brochure, I fixed the podcast link on my blog to actually sync up with my SoundCloud and I created a blog post with the zendo project training video and manual. And I put a sticker on my car, I got gas, I got more carrots, and ginger for making juice tomorrow, I got three juices up booster juice, because I didn't have anything to make juice and I wanted to go out, I did forget my iPhone charging cord. So I can't sit and do stuff on my phone unlimitedly because I could run out of battery. And then I wouldn't be able to sing on the drive home. And that would be tragic. And I bought a song automatic flowers by our lady peace and added it to my singing playlist, along with Superman's dead which I already had. So I'm noticing that there are states where I can get a lot done just one thing after another. And then sometimes I feel like I can barely move and just waiting for that sensation to pass and wait for the next wave of creative action without premeditation. And I have a big long list of things to do that I made while I was swimming in California. And I just looked at it now and it says thrower coming off party. So I think I'm going to throw myself a coming off party when it's the nine month mark off meds in mid February.
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Okay, so quick video, maybe not that quick, I don't know, maybe I will talk as fast as a medic, because that's something a manic would do. And this morning, the theme has been state change because I was in one space in my mind, and then with a little bit of coffee. And I went into my song list on my iPhone, and then I just would scroll like that. And it was just going like that, and I put my finger on it. And it was a sub base. And it was their newer ish CD. And for some reason, a sub bass makes me feel really happy and kind of manic. And I remember buying that CD and then ending up in the hospital A little while later. And I felt like the songs on there really resonated with me, there's one about going to California, and then I did end up going to California for so their music is just on my wavelength, that's kind of fun and silly. And the other thing that might have changed my state a little is I was wearing these shorts while I was drying my hair. And these are shorts that I found the very first time I was manic on the ground, and I kept them just simple Adidas shorts. And I was singing to a space too. And it feels like ever since I talked to a friend of mine a few days ago by Skype, and we're talking about how when we interact with people, there's a possibility of passing on our gift and, and passing on some beauty or something. And ever since then I feel like I've been able to sing slightly better. I don't know if it's true. And also, I feel like this sore throat that I've had and and it's still going on actually is the tissue in my throat, reorganizing in disguise. And that's something that I could say is I'm not sick, it's my throat tissue and vocal cords reorganizing slightly, so that I can sing better in the future. Because I really did want to sing when I was a little kid. And I was always afraid to and I couldn't sing at all. So that's something I want to work on, or play with, I should say. And I remember meeting this really spiritual type Jesus looking guys six years ago, and I was in Santa Barbara. And when I came back, he emailed me and he said, Have you started singing yet, and we had this really long I stare thing happening. So I think he was trying to pass on that. Sort of like the passing on that gift thing that a friend of mine and I were talking about recently. So I've been considering magical things like that within the last half an hour.
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Enjoy the Music!
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And I remember talking to myself about creating this as passive advocacy, so I can just move on to something else. And I'm feeling that today. And I might still talk to myself on video, but I do want to move on to something else, maybe making shorter, better quality videos then rambling on, which was an important part of the process. But I don't know how important it is anymore. And the self dialogue really has been my one thing. And I talked about how I read on Steve pavlina, his website that sometimes it's good to have a one thing and I read that on his website after I'd already been doing this for probably eight months. So really has been my one thing. And in terms of wrapping up my one thing, since I've been a little bit under the weather these last few days, I've spent time at home, organizing my videos, so I made a Google Sheets, spreadsheet, and put all the video dates in as well as the time length, and then all the links to the audio videos, and then a separate one with all the links to all the video videos. And this is helpful right now because I'm backing up all my videos from iCloud onto an external hard drive. And the easiest way to find the right video in the proper order is to use the time. So there was a reason for all of that not just being really organized, because I'm not that organized with it. But I saw that it would be helpful. So I did that. Plus, that way I have all the links. When I decide to post them to my blog or something, I can just go into that spreadsheet and look for the link as opposed to going into YouTube, which is kind of chaotic, with so many videos in there and so many different dates. So now it's organized for possibly sharing it. So even though I'll wrap up the conversation with myself, perhaps I'll share about sharing it at some point, I don't know, when there are a few things happening in the next couple of weeks where my life could really change in one direction or another and I'm not sure which way to go. One way could be a job. And that would take a lot of my time. So that would be a reason to not talk to myself so much, I won't have the time. And the other is just creating the business, which I could still do anyway.
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I'm a little bit under the weather today. And it's not too bad considering it started yesterday, I just feel a little bit clogged up in my throat. And it'll probably linger for a week. And yesterday, it was quite painful to swallow. And, yeah, it's getting better. I've taken a lot of vitamin C. And I was going to talk to myself yesterday and make a bunch of videos, but I decided to hang out with some friends. Instead, I need to remember not to neglect my relationships. And I've been pondering that the last couple of days. And it is harder because I'm further away from my friends where I'm living right now. So when the opportunity is there, and the traffic won't be that bad, it's important to make an effort. And also being aware of interacting with family. And yeah, that's in my awareness more, because I'm back home now and around people that I know and care about yet, at the same time struggling just because I don't have much of my own space. So I don't want to let the situation mess up the relationships. And I've also noticed my cycle of hormones is more prominent. So being aware of that, interacting with everything as well. I didn't really get PMS when I was on, on the segments, and they do actually prescribe psych meds for people who have really strong PMS symptoms. Because it actually does suppress them. So now it's getting reacquainted with my natural rhythms, which were quite strong, even before I was ever diagnosed with anything and and I was aware of them. So I'm remembering what that was like. So yeah, this is learning to navigate in daily life with with feelings and emotions and sensations and perceptions and relationships and interactions and situations that aren't being modulated by some kind of chemical drug in my system. So yeah, that is a learning process.
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And I feel like our non volitional altered states have a similar role to play. Yet we haven't come together to unfold what that is. And I could be wrong about all of that, but it will make an interesting journey. I don't know what I'm talking about, though. There is some kind of magic out there or in here.
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I'm having trouble with lifestyle design right now. And people are starting to notice. Namely, my family, because I'm living with them. And I'm feeling like, I just don't have freedom of movement. So if I read something or write something, and I feel energy to maybe create a video or something, I don't have the space and quiet in order to do that. There's a TV going on the other side of my wall, or there's people walking overhead. And I'm finding, I'm really sensitive to all of that right now. And so it's a challenge. And I just feel partly like, being away for so long. And then coming back, I really just want to get into being able to create what I want to create. Because I couldn't necessarily do that. while I was away, and also I did get to create what I wanted to create while I was away, I ended up coming off my meds. So to be back, and then just sort of sit and vegetate isn't resonating with me. And I find it hard to read or think if there's a TV going on the other side of the wall. So I'm attempting to cohabit. But it's really challenging. And it's only temporary until I go back to the other place or whatever. But even for now, it's challenging. So it's making me ponder some things that I've read about stoicism after watching a talk by Tim Ferriss. And there's a guy I think his name's Jamie holiday, and he wrote a book. Or at least a chapter in a book called the obstacle is the way oh my gosh, it's a hummingbird. I don't know if you saw the hummingbird. But that was really exciting. So it feels like an obstacle in my living situation. That's temporary. But it also was teaching me what I can live with and what I can't. So when I go to my next place, I have to keep in mind that I can't necessarily live in a hollow apartment building where there's going to be TV noises on every wall. And I'm just feeling more comfortable in general in nature, in California was just full of nature and beauty. And I had a small space for my personal space of living. But when I went outdoors, it was just like being in a park was like living in a small room in a park. Whereas living in a small room, in a basement of a house is feeling quite stifling in a way. It's good, because I will get out of the house. And that that's a good thing to do while the weather is still nice because it's going to get really, really rainy and cold within a relatively short period of time. So in terms of the obstacle is the way I'm seeing my living situation as an obstacle, but it's also allowing me to question how to design my life moving forward. And even something as simple as getting that battery pack is really helpful. So that helps with being able to be out and about and mobile. So it feels good to keep moving. And perhaps part of what feels stifling is that I can't just talk to myself when I want to. Because there are people around and they don't know that part of it. I didn't say that. I talk myself on video. So I need quiet and I need to be able to think and I need space. And this leaf is really cute.
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I'm going to try and remember what I want to talk about. Yesterday, I did some more of the Muse meditations, I did a couple of them. And I did it later at night. So I noticed that I was able to stay in the neutral or calm space. For most of the time, I only spent three seconds in an active brain state. They have three categories active, neutral, and calm. And I was neutral or calm for about half the time. So this app is showing that my brain is actually quite calm. And I'll show those results I earned. I think I earned 13 birds, I can't remember, I'm not looking at the picture right now. But I will show the picture. And I got more complaints than usual. And then, after I did that first time, I tried it again, because I wanted to see what would happen if I was looking at my computer and typing on my computer when I first started just for comparison. So I did that. And I noticed that the app was giving me really stormy weather sound. So I knew that my brain was likely active. So I didn't want to waste the whole session. So then I just sat in the calm space. And notice that my brain went into the con. So I will show that just to compare that. Yeah, if my eyes are open, I'm looking at the computer, my brain is active. But if I close my eyes, and I'm calm, then my brain calms down. And then for the next challenge, they want me to do a seven minute meditation. So I will do that tonight. It's getting late, so it's quieter. That's a better time to do it. Because otherwise, any little noise could potentially distract my brain. And then I was looking at the Muse monitor app. And then I noticed for the first time that I could actually take a landscape screenshot of the data that it was showing me. And so when I did that, I actually noticed there was another line. So in the vertical screenshot, it just shows 40 hertz and 56 hertz. So I remember when I showed that once I guesstimated, one of my little amplitude bars in gamma at about 53 hertz. But when I actually took the landscape screenshot, I noticed that that bar that I was wondering about was about two thirds the way between 48 and 56, which means that that band actually was 54 hertz. It wasn't 53 hertz. And so I googled 54 hertz, and I came across this YouTube video. And it's called 54 hertz, Ascension frequency. binaural beats synchronicity with sacred geometry, quantum string 432 hertz, and it shows a little calculation underneath the video. It shows 432 hertz divided by eight octaves. And it says 54 hertz being the fundamental frequency of the quantum string, in this primordial by neuro beats sound template. And then it gives a bunch of other information. So it's calling 54 hertz, the fundamental frequency, and something about an ascension frequency.
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I'm definitely feeling more blocked as the days go on. I think it's a good idea to get out of the house. I feel this discontent, like just living in a room in a basement suite. And waiting for some kind of security isn't good enough. And yesterday, I watched a TED talk by Tim Ferriss called why it's important to map your fears or something about fear setting. Why fear setting is more important than goal setting. And I recommend that for sure. And I'll probably listen to it again, and attempt to map some of my fears, because there's definitely some fear preventing action right now. And after watching that, I felt like inaction is more costly than action, even if there is some fear there. So I think I'm just going to start some kind of business even though I don't know what I'm doing. Because the cost of that would just be perhaps, the waste of money involved in the process of setting it up, which isn't that much, I don't think. And I could learn a lot along the way. And I also made a playlist today called Omni polar consciousness. And I think I'll add videos there that I watch and that I feel like are good to watch again, for myself or maybe for other people, because a lot of people say some really good stuff. So why repeat what they say obviously wouldn't repeat what they say I might extrapolate a little bit on what they say. But I don't want to do too much of that because I also came across a website called daily stoic, calm. And I came across this website because Tim Ferriss talked about stoicism. And I know the word stoic, but I'd never really heard of stoicism so I looked it up. And it's interesting, because it says that it's more about action than words. So to me, it's a sign that I need to get more with action than with all these words. And I think I'll still say words, but there needs to be action. So forget about all the words that I'm typing up for later. And just say words, but related to the actions I'm doing now, what I'm saying is, I created too many words to actually catch up with it.
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So I don't know how I'm going to deal with this TV noise. Today is officially two months off medications. And I'm feeling pretty good. But right now is the time I have warned myself about which is PMS time. So I'm feeling a little bit like how am I going to get through these next months, living in a small room with a TV going on the other side of the wall. And I haven't been exposed TV in many months. And I'd forgotten how much I dislike hearing it going on and on through the wall. And a lot of it's bad news. And there's just stuff that I don't want to hear all the time. It really bothers my nervous system. But it seems like I have a little bit of space from that right now. So I'm going to talk to myself. And yeah, two months off meds. Not sure how I'm going to do this next while I just don't really have open space to just talk to myself whenever I want unless I figure something out. A little less conversation a little more action. All this aggravation and satisfaction in me. That's what the lyrics say online. I didn't know satisfaction was a word. And I don't know if that's what is said in the song, but it's what it says online. Right now I'm struggling with what action to take. I maybe just want to keep talking to myself. And that's the action I want to take. Which isn't really action, but I don't know what else to do. I feel kind of trapped. And I need to slowly get in tune with a new epigesturetics matrix. My epigesturetics matrix from California is now gone. And I'm feeling it. It was different to just walk outside in nature and so much quiet so much darkness so much beauty. So it's taking some adjusting for sure. And I don't know if I will be able to adjust, I might need to find a way to get my own space sooner than I was planning. And I forgot to include my first grocery shopping video, trying to get some healthy food, whether or not I spend time making that healthy food is another story.
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There is something however, though, and I don't talk about this too too much I don't think but the real I don't want to say the real but there's something to thought to the fact that bots kill us. And it's not my thoughts killing me. It's, there's this thoughts fear of all these means. And they're tied into our physiology and they're going through our nervous system and causing emotions and, and then we need something to relieve those emotions. So we react and we try to do something to, to get rid of it. And I feel like maybe sometimes I have a bit of an easier time because I did work quite a bit before I was ever labeled who have a clear and quiet mind. And it's not always that way. But I don't have any commentary going on in my mind and my brain on a regular basis, at least. And I'm wondering if that meditation headband will help me show that in some way, like, if thoughts are correlated with beta, and then I do that meditation band, even when I'm alert, and there's no beta waves or very little, then it might be able to show that to some extent, or to show what brainwaves can be possible during a waking and alert state, yet not have this hyper vigilance of thought going on all the time. So when I do have a torrent of thoughts, in something like a so called psychosis, it's very intense. But that's not there all the time. So I don't have to spend every day reacting to it or trying to pacify it. It's only when it is there. Every it seems like six to eight months.
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As a transconscious person with acquired highly sensitive person hood, I really like traveling by train. I just wait on the platform, I just hopped on the train. No arriving two or three hours early. No security checks. No waiting for the airplane to take off, which I don't like no getting on this tiny little airplane that's going to be flying up 30,000 feet in the air. And I can do it. I don't mind it. But when I have the time, I just like to go nice and slow. And there's lots of leg room. It's gonna be a very nice ride. I downloaded some movies from Netflix. And I subscribe to a 30 day trial of Kindle unlimited. And I bought a book called 1000. Number 1000 by Rama jesh or something. And so read some of that. And I have access to Veronica to galva book or whatever her name is through the Kindle unlimited. So I might read some of that, I might try and organize some of my notes. So when I go home, I can talk about them. And I got some snacks for the train. I was thinking I might fast on the train. But I don't want to stress my body out any more than just the transition back home. And hardy nutritional said don't do anything that can be too shocking to the body. So I'll just continue to eat junk. And I also got this two of them and a bunch of these raw revolution bars. I'm pretty sure this is my favorite brand of bar. But they changed the packaging and they no longer sell it where I'm from. And they didn't have the flavor that I really liked, which was cinnamon raisin it basically tastes like a cinnamon bun, but it was a raw vegan bar. So I grabbed some of these. And I got one of this kind. And I have some water. Because snacks on the train are kind of expensive. It's around $5 for a bag of chips and water. And for some reason I feel really thirsty on the train. I drink a lot of water. And last time on the way down, I brought a bunch of food bars. But then I was craving salt and I didn't have any chips. So So this time I'm prepared. I got myself I got my sweet, I got my juice, I got my water. And now it's just a matter of if I can carry all of this I will have to get off the train and board the bus to Canada and then get off the train with all my stuff at the border. And that's going to be heavy. And that'll be all she wrote. So I'm on my way back and in less than a couple days I'll know if I will have done it. If I will have gone to California and reach my dream of getting back and also reaching the dream of tapering off meds and seeing how that integration period goes. I really hope it all goes more than smoothly. The train is coming. Which is tempting. This guy needs to be read to pharmacy. You told them at a table with my medicine you told me to take you to take them with the menial.
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I came across a tweet this morning by crest, B, D. And they were talking about a new study that's coming out, or that they're starting on bipolar disorder, titled, do ambitious, and exploratory behaviors drive creativity in bipolar disorder in search of a mechanism. So they're searching for a mechanism of creativity, in bipolar disorder, in order to better support people's strengths or be more strengths based in somebody's recovery. And that sounds lovely. But I kind of wonder, is there a mechanism to creativity? Or is it that we're so mechanized as a humanity, not as one person with bipolar disorder or whatever, but it's sort of flabbergasting for someone to have something called an illness, a mental illness yet have this gift, this real capacity for creativity. So maybe by discovering a mechanism, they can support people in their recovery. But I don't know. If creativity can be mechanized, or if it's something that I'm not sure what I'm saying, but we're so mechanized as human beings, into functioning in society. And so many of us have lost our creativity throughout our lives. If we're even in touch with it at all, though, we likely were as children. And since creativity is so repressed and under expressed, because we're so mechanized as human beings, it's overexpressed in a few individuals, relatively few. And then they're said to have this mental illness called bipolar disorder yet, how is somebody with such a disorder? Such a defect, such an illness to be so wonderfully creative at times? So what is that all about? What is the mechanism? What in my mind? We were all wonderfully and perfectly creative as children, before we were mechanized. And then, as a mechanized adult, we look at people who have broken out of this mechanism or, or temporarily break out of this mechanism and are restored to natural, innate creativity and say, Well, what is the mechanism? When perhaps we need to look at the mechanisms that prevent us all from being that creative. It just seems to be the state of amnesia, and it's all that we forget how we came here as human beings, and it says, Do ambitious and exploratory behaviors drive this creativity. Well, we had ambitious and exploratory behaviors as children. And why don't we all have ambitious and exploratory behaviors, and if we all did, maybe a few relatively few wouldn't need to overcompensate for this because we are one consciousness. So if there's a natural capacity in humanity as a whole that is not unfolding and manifesting and expressing as that energy of creativity, then it's going to break through in some, because our brain is so full of mechanisms that block the creativity.
creativity, creative, energy, nervous system, create, functioning, bipolar disorder, mechanism, problems, people, bipolar, glimpse, structure, learning, moving, explore, ego, mechanized, life, drive
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I'm definitely feeling this extrapolative tension, this tension to extrapolate. And that happened because I've been getting some synchronistic emails in my inbox. And I'm sure all of us have experienced this. But it's nice to have the subtle synchronicities from the universe, these subtle messages in disguise of benign emails from people that are on their mailing list. And today, I was listening to something because I got an email from Dabney Alex, and I'm on her mailing list, as she was the woman who organized the shades of awakening summit, online summit on mental health in 2015. And I listened to all of it, and it was really good. And I did talk to her once on the phone. And I wanted to utilize some of her services to try and start something. But then I ended up in the hospital. And then that was my really bad hospitalization. So anyways, I didn't, but I read her email. And before I get into that, because I'm really, really not into linear logical order at all. I just want to share that I was editing my last video and I talked a lot about reaching my dream of being back in California. And I didn't even mention because I'm that forgetful that I reached my hugest dream of all which is to be medication free. And to be even more nonlinear. Two weeks today, I will be home from California, because I'm taking the train. So it'll take about two days on the train. So two weeks from now, today, I will be waking up at home. And so yeah, the biggest dream was really to taper off these meds. And I've been able to accomplish that. And I think that I feel a lot of the changes. And I could talk about the changes and I have along the way. But perhaps just going through this year, it's easier to see the changes. And maybe now that I'm off the meds, it's going to be easier to be the change that I wish to be as Gandhi might say. And so the messages I've been getting to my inbox are interesting because they're all about sort of speaking up. And Dabney shared that she listened to this Ted Radio Hour about speaking up. And so I read her article and how the first woman in that podcast she speaks up about being queer in a country where basically, you could be tortured for that. And so it's just interesting, because at some point, I will want to share and I'm seeing that maybe I'll want to unfold some of this movement towards sharing because it is challenging, and I could actually go out there and get someone to help me figure out what to share what not to share, when to share, why to share, why not to share, etc, etc. Or I could just really unfold that for myself, which is something I've been doing all along is just unfolding things for myself and, and moving into that understanding. Yet at the same time, we're all connected so people send messages to each other and whatever salient we can pick up on.
talk, share, unfold, acceptable behavior, ted radio hour, feel, speaking, meaning, email, unacceptable, dream, dabney, moving, messages, understanding, salient, helpful, framed, extrapolate, powerful
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And then I said something to myself on video that scared me. It actually created this visceral fear response. And I could feel this fear energy just pouring out of my, my chakra I don't know, the belly one, what's that called? Like the power center, not the heart, the navel or something. And it was so intense. And then it sort of spread down my legs and through my whole body. And I just felt so afraid. And it was so obvious that I had made my nervous system weak. And what I said on video actually deleted. I was like, I can't say that. Because it felt like a premonition and felt like a prophecy or it felt like inviting that into my experience or increasing the likelihood of it being a possibility or maybe it is actually going to happen. And so just by seeing it and saying Oh, but I'm okay with that. And then seeing my body's response, it was almost like I'm not okay with that. And I don't know if I'm not okay with saying that. I'm not okay with having that as a premonition or a possibility. Or that that's going to happen in this life or that it happened in a past life. This is where fear can open up. This sort of nonlinear interpretation is happening now. It was just something I said that made me afraid, but it made me afraid of something in the future or something of the past possibly, and I don't know which.
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And I just got a phone call from my brain twin, and found out that for the last two weeks, he hasn't had his independence. He's in the psych ward. And I don't really know the American system very well, but something about a 15 day hold, and then 30 day hold possibly after that. And more even I don't know. So I'm going to go down and visit him next week, and also drop off the electric car that he lent me. And I'm just sort of wondering what can be done to start to create some of these medication free respite centers, because without them, we just get funneled into the mental health system, and he's getting injected with medications. And it's pretty hard to taper off that when one is having people inject things into someone. I had control over my medications, and I was able to taper off of them. But if I was being injected, and someone's driving me there to get my injection and things like that, or I'm in the hospital getting injected, it's pretty hard to make a self directed choice to not be on them. So I really don't know what to do. And maybe I can kind of hope that sharing some of this journey I've been through has shown a little bit that there is a need for those sorts of things because I was able to stay out of the psych ward in January because I had all the wonderful relationships at the clubhouse. And they sort of acted as a one day temporary respite for me to gather myself enough to go and stay with my family and just sort of medicate myself with extra Seroquel without having to go to the hospital and be re traumatized by that. And maybe get a doctor that would drug me up on something that I didn't want. But this way, I was able to just take extra Seroquel for a week or so and then go about my life. And then I managed to get to California because of that. Whereas that crisis happened on something like January 23.
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I'm at the beach and that lady, right? by those crows, hind me right there. That lady there, she's completely white hair, gray hair, she must be 65 or 70, at least. And she's just got her little body surfing board or whatever they're called. And she's just playing in the waves. And it's just one of the most enlightening things to watch. There she goes, again, to catch another wave right there. I did take a video, I might include it. I don't like to include videos of people. But this is just a beautiful example of play and being in nature. And there she is. So she just dove in. And then she gets back up. Well, the wave kind of crashes against her. She's still just going, she says, Oh, she knows these waves. Well, there's a woman over there. white hair. She's just out in waves and watch what she does. I want to do that. I'm here at the beach today, because I only have two more weeks after this to just play and have fun. So I'm going to focus more on that.
pms, medications, nervous system, people, feeling, beach, stronger, nutritionals, doses, horses, meds, naproxen, waves, cramps, quarter, test, called, extrapolations, mountain, consciousness
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Because I'm seeing a few things. And I'm not sure if they're true, but I'm seeing that hitting the ceiling, or really getting to the edge of beyond one's previous perceptions, really, pushing the boundaries of what has been perceptible to this particular individual can cause one to really bottom out. And it's happened to me numerous times before, and the bottoming out is usually some kind of crisis and that energetic, scary feeling in my heart. So yesterday, I was tired, I took a nap. And today, I was tired, too. And I was trying to nap and I was laying down and my brain was sort of active still, but I was partly asleep, and my brain really saw that we are the world or as Krishnamurti says, I am the world and the world is me. And my body got just a tiny bit freaked out like, ah, like, what do I do with that? What do I do with seeing that, because the brain is used to operating based on I am the ego, and the ego is me. So there's a little bit of fear, because how does one operate in this world based on one mode of operation and, and then start to see this other mode, and that mode gets warped into something that is not really what it is. And I've had a lot of insights into that today. And I don't know, if I really want to go into them. I've also had an insight into how this is sort of like sea sickness. But instead of SCA s E. Not that it's a sickness, I just thought using the word seasickness is kind of funny, because one is almost made ill by how much one can see. And I'm not talking about ill in terms of mental illness, but it's just difficult to know how to navigate when one feels like they see a lot more than what we're conditioned to see. So in saying that, I feel like I've been talking about embodying versus just having dialogue, which is sort of more of a mental activity. And going from seeing to being so a lot of my energy going through my brain is diverted to perception and actually seeing into things and seeing more and unfolding things and then talking about it, and I've sort of made myself not one dimensional, but that is the main way that this other energy is being utilized to perceive. But if I could see that, maybe I've seen enough. And I think that's what happens sometimes when I hit the ceiling is I've seen enough and the brain sort of reacts by retracting back down to quite a low level of consciousness, which happens in a way because what one sees when one sees too much can be scary, it can really show the brain how all of this works.
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Today marks the one year mark of talking to myself in self dialog, yay, celebrate. And I didn't even call it self dialog when I started self dialog, I just started talking to myself. And I feel like this next year could be about self embodiment. And not just self dialogue, though, through self dialogue, I was able to embody certain things, getting to California coming off medications, and I feel this will be more of an embodiment, because that energy will perhaps create a certain embodiment that's different from embodying someone attempting to get out of this forced embodiment of being in that other paradigm, I don't even want to say the words anymore. You know what I'm talking about. So the self embodiment includes self dialogue, but it's a little bit of something more. And it could be something more because the energy can move freely through this body and express itself. So the expression will be different when it's no longer expressing through those things that I was taking. And so it's a completely different expression could be something totally new. And when I was in my first map consciousness, state of multi dimensional intelligence and getting the download and the blueprint of my life, I connected with different things that didn't include the journey that I was then thrust into after. So I'm wondering if this will sort of put me back on that trajectory of over six years ago. And it's still the same trajectory, but it's different. And things aren't linear anyway. So it's just about a different level of consciousness. And through time, even going through that old paradigm that I was a part of, it's still helped me slowly to embody this, especially through this process of self dialogue this last year. So I really don't know what I'm going to talk about this year, or speak as speak as this energy that's not impeded by chemicals. I've talked about healing and altruism and lifestyle design. And I really don't know what it's going to be about. Because with how I was talking to myself, before I wanted my life to be about coming off those chemicals, and, and going to California.
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I'm making a really quick video because I'm about to go out. But I don't know if I will have time the rest of the day. And I want to at least say some of us today, because it's the 18th. And then Tomorrow's the 19th, which are my last two days to really talk about mental health. And I still will, because I feel like things have become more embodied this last week ish. So to me that definitely goes first compared to just talking to myself and making words with myself. And I just finished watching the fly whisperer clip. And I didn't put any commentary in there, because I'm actually talking in nature and talking to the flies, and the commentary is already in there. And it's interesting that I say, I wouldn't hurt a fly yet. After that experience with the flies A month later, I was diagnosed with bipolar, which kind of pins one into a category of potentially dangerous, and I still feel now that I wouldn't hurt a fly, I shared a video of a fly drinking out of my eye. And that's pretty weird and crazy. But that's kind of what I am, I am definitely a crazy person, I don't think I'm a mentally ill person. But I'm a crazy person. And when the flies kept flying in my head, it felt like perhaps in that state, the light in my eyes was just as strong as the light of the sun or different things. And they also flew at the camera of the phone. So it has something to do with this witnessing and this and this light, something or other. And interestingly enough, while I was watching the fly video, there was a fly on my thumb while I was walking along watching it. And then it was sitting on my phone. And then I was looking at it. And just at that moment, a hummingbird flew right in front of me like right there. And it hovered there. And I looked at it with astonishment and awe. And I put my finger out like this for him to land. And when I did, he didn't immediately fly away. But he didn't land either, unfortunately, but he stayed there. And then he flew away. And I've never had one that close to me. And so obviously fly right up to me. And I found it interesting that I was watching the video I made six years ago that at the time, right after watching it, I felt like there was some power to order like I was just in this powerful state where people and animals sort of get along and there's a different communication going on. Apart from the regular dialogue of Oh, that's a gross housefly, let's kill it. It was something completely different.
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I have about half an hour until my bus comes, I could go all the way the end of the trail, but then I would probably miss the bus. So I stopped here. And so yeah, I'll do a bit of a video. I called hardy nutritionals today and told them about the anxiety I was having over the weekend. And they said, that's pretty normal. And they said, I could take more of the vitamin C. So today, I'm planning on taking three, at least, and I could go up more, it's kind of expensive. But they said it's only temporary, so maybe for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. So to me that's worth it. And then they told me to read this document they have on their website about things that can limit the process. And I read through it. And the stuff that can apply to me is that I do like to go rollerblading. And I was planning to start that sprinting a few times a week thing. But exercise can actually speed up the detox process and give more stuff side effects of coming off the meds. So I still chose to go rollerblading today, because it's sort of a Goldilocks day, just right for rollerblading, not too hot. And it's actually going to get really hot here in the next few days. And not too cold. And it was actually kind of cold and rainy over the weekend. So I wanted to take this opportunity. But I did sort of just stroll more, I didn't really skate too much a lot of its downhill. So I just sort of coasted and enjoyed myself. And I noticed that I didn't have any of that anxiety feeling. So that feeling could also be from sitting in front of the computer too much. I probably spent eight hours a day on the weekend in front of the screen between editing and making videos. And it felt good to get that all done. But I'm noticing that being indoors might not be good. And they said getting too much sun can be something that makes a person have more withdrawal effects, because of how it speeds up the detox process by heating up your body. And who knows maybe all that vitamin D goes into action trying to detox things as well. So I did spend a few hours in the sun on Friday. And I think I did the Sprint's that morning, and then I was in front of a screen. And so that could have all contributed to filling some of that anxiety. So I think the vitamin C, they also said drink more water and I could definitely drink more water, the water here in California is kind of gross compared to where I'm from. So yeah. And another thing that was in that document was menstrual cycle. And I was talking to myself about how I could really feel my PMS this last time now that I'm off the meds and it kind of coincided with the exact same time I stopped taking the meds. So I'm going to ask them about that next time I talked to them because it says take an extra dose of four vitamins for a week before or something. So I'm going to ask them for clarification about that, because I could probably use that. And they have another product, which is greens and probiotics, which I might ask them about. And also inositol, which they said is good for anxiety in that document. So I'm going to ask about that. If I'm going to be on hardy nutritional stuff, I may as well keep to their products and go all out with their products. Well, I'm deciding to do that not really muck around, not really say oh, well, I don't really have money for that I don't really need it, just try and make this process as smooth as possible. And that document I read said, people can have withdrawal effects for months or even a couple of years after coming off. So I think I need to keep that in mind and really reframe anything that I experience as a withdrawal effect and not a symptom of mental illness.
clinicians, peer support, meds, read, support, system, talked, mental health, clinical, withdrawal effects
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I've had a note to myself about the law of least action in the mix of things for a while. And I first heard about that in a talk by Peter Russell, not Russell Peters, but Peter Russell, who I believe is some kind of physicist, and he studied consciousness. And his talk called the primacy of consciousness, which you can watch on SPR word calm, is really good. And he talks about the law of least action. And I don't remember what that is exactly. But I just saw now that in an extrapolation to mental health, it seems like the law of least action has something to do with ending one's life. So it takes the least amount of action to just end one's life and to not have to act ever again, not have to do anything ever again, and to take the fastest action, the least action to end the suffering. And so I feel like getting caught in that program to end one's life sometimes is a law of least action. And how can one not be caught in those memes that makes one feel like one needs to act that out and, and end this existence? And, and could there be another least action, which is when one can perceive something and understand it, and create more information and energy, so much more energy, to the powers of 10 more energy, when one can really perceive and understand something consciousness can access, so when then has a lot of energy. And so one can do a lot with that energy. So then one wouldn't fall into that vortex of the law of least action of consciousness, which might end the conscious existence of a particular organism. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if it matters, but I just saw that now. I feel like I should stop talking. But I'm going to keep going for a while. Maybe I'll just read. Work is force times mass times distance, the force is the energy of thought, or the energy of the infinity of the moment. The force of the moment, the moment is when we meet the moment and say, instead of having an immediate answer of words intersecting the moment, it feels like bipolar, when the process is still being processed by the ego, or within the ego framework of right wrong, good, bad, reward punishment. And the past. When we dis identify from that, it becomes a choiceless richness, we're overlaying the choice of good and bad over it. the right values can emerge instead of what are conditioned programs call right and wrong. All this takes attention. If we aren't attending, the ego will classify it with its binary code. choice. lessness is a quantum code that decodes the unknown possibilities, and is really about seeing the subtle words make things manifest, they make things things.
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I have a lot to talk about with myself. And I'm feeling some anxiety. And it's been a week since I took any psych meds. And so yay, one week celebration. And last night, I had a bit of this feeling in my heart, which could be called anxiety. But it really feels like now that I'm off the meds, and I'm sort of out of this mental patient paradigm, just a little baby step outside of it really. I can feel energies coming back from before I wasn't relabeled and diagnosed over six years ago. So it's as if taking the meds and being defined as a mental patient, shifted my focus to that and, and being on the meds and being in that paradigm sort of made me forget about a lot of my problems. And so now that I've sort of gone through that main problem of getting outside the mental health paradigm, it feels like these energies are coming back and saying, Oh, yeah, remember all these problems that you had before you had this even bear problem of having a label and being given meds, which the meds do translate a lot of the other old problems into just symptoms of mental illness. And I feel like a lot of those problems actually, before being labeled get translated into sort of behaviors or so called symptoms, which lead one to get diagnosed with a mental illness, which then leads one to begin medications, which sort of gets rid of the symptoms, but it also gets rid of the problems that were leading to the symptoms by dragging the symptoms. So I'm seeing this mechanism. And I'm hoping that I can stay ahead of it. Because I can feel that there's going to be things that I really have to deal with. And if I can't deal with them, I might end up having to take a pill. So I have my coherence breathing as something I could do if this. This feeling in my heart doesn't subside.
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I had a dream that I was talking quite sternly with the psychiatrist who overmedicated me last April. I remember that I don't really remember what I was saying. But I might have had some pretty strong words. And I don't remember that I was being rude, I was just quite upset with the way I was treated. And along those same lines, in a way, this webinar was about the antidote to a lot of this. A lot of what I've talked about with myself and self dialogue in terms of the system, and troubles and problems in the system, would largely be eliminated. If what they were talking about in this webinar was implemented on a wide scale. The trouble is, it's implemented on a very, very tiny scale in the United States. And they were talking about it. And without further ado, the webinar was on self directed funding in mental health, and they already have it in some other health care sectors in the United States. 1.1 million people are using self directed funding, meaning there's a certain amount of funding one would get, if one had a certain struggle or a diagnosis or, or what have you, and then the person with the help of a broker can create a plan and, and put funding towards what one would like to participate with in terms of how they're going to get better. And that could be almost anything. And they didn't talk too much about examples of what that might look like. But they did in the webinar. It's a Mental Health Commission of Canada webinar, it'll probably be on their website soon. And there is a website called self directed mental health.org.
self directed, direction, people, webinar, funding, direct, talking, person, support, mental health, goals, psychiatrist, recovery, seroquel, services, happening, helping, create, medication, clinician
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Last night, I had a really good sleep, I started to feel kind of sleepy and I was laying in bed. And I actually fell asleep shortly after 930. And I took the six amino acid caps, as well as a Benadryl and slept through the whole night, didn't even wake up to go pee. And I slept about 10 hours. And I really needed that sleep after the weekend. So I'm feeling a lot better. And it feels good to have fallen asleep for the first time. Pretty naturally, after being completely off my segments, Saturday night was the first night off, and Sunday was the second. And both those nights were kind of difficult, and I had to take a second Benadryl. And I had a friend here, which made it a little bit more difficult. But back to my usual, cozy routine, and I just took one, Benadryl and fell asleep quite easily. It seems like there's a window of falling asleep between 830 to 1030, that it's good for me to just sort of stay calm and relaxed and ready to go to sleep when I'm ready. So I will be extra careful with that. And I made some notes yesterday after I finished editing my video about new elements to have dialogue about. And one of them is how I've talked myself out of the mental health system. And now I need to perhaps talk myself out of going back into it or talk to myself to stay out of it. So I could get complacent with the dialogue with myself and figure that I can just keep going and not really have to talk to myself now that I'm out of the system. But the thing is that the usual context of mental health is all around me. And the usual context of society that can actually be quite, I don't like the word triggering, but provoking for some of these other elements, because I find that I'm quite sensitive. So if I can at least have some conversation with myself almost every day in a way that it seems that I want to, then that could provide some of the energy to be able to keep my head above the clouds.
medications, meds, brain, support, bipolar disorder, energy, dialogue, people, transcending, consciousness, mental illness, mental health, label, system, bipolar, informed consent, medicated, talking, feel, nutrients
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Today, I feel kind of tired and grumpy. And I was wondering if it's something to do with a second night in a row of taking just 1/8 of my medications. But on second thought, it probably has more to do with PMS. So I think I'm just a little bit early today. And so it wasn't really good timing to watch a webinar put on by the Mental Health Commission of Canada, on social enterprise. And it was called social enterprises, an innovative approach to creating employment opportunities for people with mental illnesses. And they are panel of speakers. And they were people who had social enterprises and employed people with mental illnesses, and other people who run different kinds of enters social enterprises that actually were integrated with clinical services, like reporting to the clinician about things. And I thought that was a bit weird. Again, it's sort of warped into something that is being done to us. I don't know anyway, I think social enterprises are great. And I think it was just more PMS, hearing the way that some of them were talking. One person said, Oh, sometimes we pair a healthy person up with a person with mental illness. Like, what? How can someone judge who's healthy and who's not. And it's just lame to say that, and it really bothered me to hear the way they were talking about people. So it was actually a good reminder for me to remember how people who work in the system or in any kind of framework where they're saying, Oh, these people over here have illnesses, and we over here are healthy. It just really bothers me. And it just rubbed me the wrong way.
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I woke up at some point because I thought I heard a knock at my door. And I just heard like one knock like knock, but maybe a couple other faint knocks. But the one knock woke me up. And it was sort of similar to how that scary heart energy wakes me up. But I didn't feel afraid. But I woke up and as soon as I woke up, then I could hear the Krishnamurti talk that I was listening to. And right at that moment, he was talking about telepathy and being able to read people's thoughts and how when the body becomes extremely sensitive, we can get connected to those types of powers and psychic powers and things like that. But he is one to also say that it's important not to get caught up in those things. Because it's kind of like playing with a children's toy. You can just get stuck in that. And there's something that could be even beyond all that. Like by focusing on one thing, if I could often read people's thoughts, and then I decided to devote my whole life to that I wouldn't be accessing the richness which might include reading people's thoughts every now and then. And then a whole dynamic thing of other aspects the rest of the time. And I don't know if that's what he's saying exactly
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I've definitely talked to myself about a lot of different perspectives outside the tradition of the mental health system and psychiatry. And you mentioned social contact theory. I don't know what that is. And he said something about new dialogues and new insights. And that's what I've been doing with myself because partly because the system doesn't listen, I used to work in the system. And then I put a complaint into the system about my experience got a kind of blocked reply. Nothing's gonna change based on just sending in complaints here and there. So that's one of the reasons why I just talked to myself because nobody else is going to listen or has time to listen, or wants to listen or can listen or has the capability of listening because all they can hear is what they've been trained through their expensive schooling, to believe and And so many things. So I just talked to myself. And maybe nobody will ever listen to anything that I've said. And that doesn't matter because the process fulfills its own purpose, whether anyone ever listens or not. And last night, I realized that when this energy comes in and map consciousness, it's trying to get us embodied. So that's why it's more of just a movement of thought, in the brain, and living in those movements of thought, but we start living in the movements of the body. And that's part of the reason why we feel like we don't have control, because usually we're living in the movements of the thoughts
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I think there's an energy that is creating that kind of mutation in the brain. So there's an energy that feeds us, after we're born, to start creating that, and then one day, it'll probably be wired in the genetics. So we just are born with that worldview. And I wrote down another question, what would compassion do? What is compassion? And it seems like we take meds partly to stop the feeling of urgent danger. Yet, if the brain is operating at the level of thought, it technically is in urgent danger. And we all are. But when we go to those other states, we actually feel it. Or we go above where we feel safe and wonderful. And like, we're part of the infinity. And when our brain comes back down into the level of thought, we realize that it's a scary place. For real, like a felt sense of it. It seems we need genes to process the poisonous medium of thought, and not be poisoned by it. And I think beauty is the antidote, which is of a different quality, it's a different brain quality altogether. So can we go through those thoughts, structures and transform and then no longer contribute to that chaos. When we get pathologized, and labeled and put on meds, we continue to contribute to that chaos of the world? Well, not intentionally, but we'd sort of get sucked back into it, when the process was trying to transform us into a place of a different quality. And that quality would help to transform humanity in some way. But if we're not able to transform and be of that quality, and try apps try to find ways to make all this meaning and do something meaningful. Krishnamurti says you must give your life to understand your life. And to me, that sounds a little bit like if we're operating just based on thought. We think we understand we think we know things. And we're not in a state where we're actually enquiring into things and wondering and not knowing. So can we put perception first, can we put it ahead of thinking, and thus thinking that we know and I feel like there's a language to mania...
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And he touched on gamma waves and how it was something about there's more waves and more light and more information. And gamma waves are 25 to 100 hertz, with typically being around 40 hertz. And he said, they may be implicated in creating the unity of conscious perception, the binding problem and he talked about the formation of ideas, linguistic processing, which I think is what I've talked about related to language creation and He also said there's various types of learning involved in gamma waves. And I've said this is a hyper learning state when we go into mass consciousness. And it's associated with bursts of insight, compassion and high level of information, processing and inspiration. And then it was interesting, I remember him saying, but I'm not going to go into that. And then he will focus more on the beta waves and how to maybe meditate to change the beta waves when I feel like if the gamma waves come in, they naturally deal with and put the beta waves in the right place. So it was interesting that he didn't want to go to that level. Maybe it's just time constraints. But I feel like a lot of what is out there that's supposed to be helpful is based on that level of cognition and beta waves and the me and all that. When if we had that gamma waves, that unity of conscious perception, maybe that would erase the other problems. But when we're operating from beta and trying to fix beta from beta, it's like a vicious loop that we can never get out of. And I think so called mania and map consciousness is related to gamma. And it's just that our brains aren't used to operating with gamma waves. And those gamma waves come in, and they're reorganizing the brain. And that could actually be the energy that's reorganizing and restructuring the brain, in order for the brain to be able to operate with those frequencies. But there's sort of new frequencies that we're accessing. Again, it's seeing and walking in a different world could just be a matter of these gamma waves that could be everywhere. ever present, that our brains just don't really have the brain cells to access, it's like having a radio station that's not in the range of the radio dial, you wouldn't be able to access it. And I wonder if General Semantics, or English prime, or a prime can help to release some of this beta energy block, the beta energy is blocking the gamma energy. And it's a way of speaking that avoids the verb to be. So instead of saying this is that you say this seems to be that at this moment, so it's interesting to look it up? And I think it would help a little bit to utilize that to some extent. Because as soon as we say this is that most of the time and no longer is that or never was that to begin with. But if we approach it with some apprehension and some tentativeness in our observations, then it's less something. So what is the intelligent use of language? Or how does intelligence use language? Are these gamma brainwaves related more to intelligence? And what kind of language does that produce? Not just in words, but in actions? Does intelligence use language to create more language? And does intelligence only use language in the moment where necessary related to the moment and in this way, the brain is not being constantly activated in the domain of memory.
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And it seems we live in anticipation and not participation. Because we're always projecting what we're anticipating. And so we're participating with our own projections, but not actually what is I'm wondering when I go home, if I can improvise my life. I wonder if we can get to a place where life distracts us from the programs of society. And I think that's kind of what mania is, What magic is, is when we're so in tune with life, that we're distracted from the programs of society. And that's sort of what distraction is, it's sort of not paying attention to what we're told, we should be paying attention to what we're programmed to pay attention to. And then our own life energy moves us away from that which we're programmed and conditioned towards. And mania is just an exaggeration of this. So instead of working on something, and then being distracted, so called distracted for a couple of seconds, and then going back to it. It's like being distracted, and then distracted and distracted. But really, it's not really distraction, it's moving towards life, and moving with the life energy that we are. And when that first starts happening, it's kind of haphazard, because we've moved so far along a trajectory of programming. And the thing with the life energy too, is it's not necessarily purposeful. And it's not necessarily goal oriented in terms of what we've been programmed to do. I think there's value in so called distraction in that we're moving off the track that we've been pushed into by the pressures of our conditioning. And bomb mentioned that the values of society act so quickly that we feel like we've chosen something. But really, it's always our programming, and the values of society that we've been conditioned in. So there's an illusion, of freedom of choice. And these programs have power because of the values assigned to the programs. But we don't see the actual real value of beauty right in front of us. And it seems like there's no longer advantages to going along with all the prejudices of society in the community. And our nervous systems can no longer handle it. And in so called mania, it's like we're auditioning and interviewing for the universe, to work with the universe, and for the universe, and as the universe. And I'm not sure if I'll release this content as a supernova, just release it all at once. And I'm not sure if anyone's done videos that way, just releasing them all at the same time. It's a content supernova. And we can't play games with someone yesterday. But that's what we're doing by playing with our thoughts. We're playing with the things of yesterday, thoughts are playing the game of yesterday. And our nervous system is supposed to be a translator of light and information and energy. And not just a looper of thought. But the loop of thought is interfering with the clear translation. And if we can't translate the information, we can't transform. And I feel like language is a gift. It's a privilege and not a right. And we need to be careful how we use it. And something's wrong with the brain organ and that is not translating beauty. The sense of beauty is turned off.
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So I've been avoiding making a video all day, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm not sure if my few days of feeling good are subsiding today, and I'm transitioning into the week or so worth of kind of blindness. And I'll call hardy nutritionals on Monday and see what they think about the way it's going. I ended up just watching a YouTube video of the top 200 songs, in terms of views on YouTube. And I stared at that for probably two hours. And so yeah, I've just been kind of staring at the screen, which is something I don't usually do. But I definitely allow myself to whenever that's what seems to be good for my brain. And speaking of looking at the screen, but in a more productive way. Today, I watched Katie motorhomes documentary called emerging proud. It was released today. And I think she had an event in the UK. And there were events held in certain places around the world, and the documentary was premiered. And so happy emerging proud day. I'm not sure if it's an annual thing. And I thought it was very good, I thought it was very well done. And the way she did it was from clips that people either sent in about their stories of spiritual emergence. I don't use that term, very often I use my own term as map consciousness, to indicate so called mania and psychosis, but also meaning action potential or a lot of different things. And also that it's sort of like unmapped territory, it's something that we're exploring in consciousness. But anyways, spiritual emergence is another term or spiritual emergency. And I could try to use that more often. Because it's not good to keep saying so called mania and psychosis. I don't know why I say that. I think it's to delineate between the good and the not as good parts of the process. And in the video, they talked about dark night of the soul or shadow, as opposed to so called psychosis. And maybe, when I continue to go through this process of coming off meds, if I have to go through some of the elements that are not yet finished, perhaps I can work on reframing those and not thinking of them in terms of psychosis, which I already don't, it's just right now, I think, handy to actually make videos talking about some of the common language, because if I only use uncommon terms, then people might not know what the heck I'm talking about. And by weaving them both in together, hopefully, eventually, through conversation and knowing what we're talking about, we can create our own language, that we don't have to use any of those terms at all. And those terms weren't used at all, barely in the whole documentary, which was nice. And I thought that the selection of clips was very good. And it gave a lot of different examples of the depth and breadth of the experience, the possibilities, and I noticed some of the language that I use with myself in there. One person near the end was talking about how this has something to do with the evolution of humanity. And I've talked about that. And there were a few other things that people mentioned that were really clear to me that we speak a lot of the same language inside and how we would talk about it, if we started talking about it more might just be kind of self evident. One person might say something and then the other person might be like, Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. That's a good way to describe it. Let's talk about it in that way, or it's not about what anway, actually, it's talking about it in in lots of different ways, and not just talking about it, but what language the process wants to create and how that process wants us to relate. So I thought it was very well done. And I actually made it into the film in the credits. Let's see if you can pick me out. And some of my story is going to be in the book that goes with the film. And I haven't seen that yet. So it's on Vimeo, I think that's how you pronounce it. And it's called emerging proud. And it's definitely worth a watch. And I think there's quite a bit going on in that movement. And when I go home, I do want to get more involved somehow and not be such a chicken. And hopefully that goes along with being able to taper off these meds. That would be awesome. If when I went home, I was off the meds and I could speak from that. And things were just roses and butterflies for the rest of my life. While I'm not expecting that, but there's been three films released lately, which one is Katie mo Trump's emerging crowd. Another is healing voices. And another is crazy wise. And I think the cost of production is probably Katie motorhomes the least healing voices the middle and crazy wise, the most expensive but I actually enjoyed Katie's documentary. A bit more than crazy wise and I enjoyed hearing voices more than crazy wise. And I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps because crazy wise focuses mainly on the Shin monic interpretation and and I'm not sure it seemed It was nice to hear from a lot of different people in Katy motorhomes. Film because it gives a little bit more weight to these things happening in people than just having two people shown or three people shown. I'm not sure I just I thought it was I thought it was really good. And I like all of them. Anybody who releases a film with this kind of information. It's super awesome. And somebody even mentioned Krishna Murty in the emerging proud documentary just kind of in passing, but I thought that was kind of cool, because he's one of the people that I have studied over the years. And one thing I've talked about, but I don't really emphasize, but possibly could more is the fact that it's a healing process. And I don't talk about that very much. And when somebody said that in the film, it made me think about what I was talking about with the change in myelination in bipolar mentioned by Patricia Luis and I was thinking about how it's almost like the brain is sending more myelin up there in order to help heal that area of the brain, kind of like inflammation in any other part of our body. When we have an injury of some kind. It will get somewhat inflamed and that's part of the healing process. And it seems like the brain has a similar mechanism but with the myelin because it doesn't have the same inflammatory process in the rest of the tissue of the body. So to me, it seems like infla myelination, so it's this inflammatory process in the brain. Almost, but it's part of the brain's healing process when these psychological things happen. So, when this energy comes in to sort of sort out some of these psychological things happening, it is also changing the structure of the brain. Because our thoughts and everything are tied up in the brain cells, and Krishna Murty would say that thought is a material process. So, when all of that is going on overdrive and, and also, it's chaotic, and it's reorganizing. It makes sense in a way that there would be some kind of change in the brain cells and maybe sending myelin up to the prefrontal cortex and also to the lateral ventricles as a way of preparing the brain for reorganization. And that's part of healing too. When we have an injury, say we sprained her ankle, it has to heal, it has to reorganize, it has to recycle some of the old broken tissue and, and create new tissue and, and buffer the process in the meantime, and I have a feeling that's partly what's happening in the brain, it's inflow, myelination, it's not just brain disease, or D, myelination, it's reorganization. And if the brain is doing this, it must have some intelligence behind it. If we sprained her ankle, we don't try to stop the healing process, we might do things to to keep the inflammation from getting too out of control, mainly for our own pain tolerance. And I do a lot of talking to myself. And I frame it in the context of talking to myself, because while there's a few reasons. One is that there are things I want to talk to you. And I'm not sure if anybody wants to talk about it with me. So I talked to myself. And also I talked to myself, because some of the things I say, aren't necessarily correct. And that's a way to say them anyway, without having someone filter what I would say, because they think I'm not saying what is correct or factual. And the other thing too, is, I'm just talking to myself. So if I ever share this, and people listen, they're just listening to me talking to myself, I'm not telling anybody what to do. I'm not recommending anything, I'm not promoting anything, I'm not doing anything except having conversation with myself. And so and that's a lot because I have no idea what to do or. And so all I can really do right now is talk to myself. And the thing with mental health is that right now, it's framed as this big medical problem. So nobody should be listening to anybody but professionals about what's happening because it's this disease, and I'm trying to talk about it like, it's something completely different. And if people understood it as not a disease, not a medical problem at all, which is probably quite a few years away from being the truth, then we could just talk about this and not have to worry about if we're interfering with somebody's medical record, or, or professional help we, we divert all this to the professionals and and it talks a lot about that in the book on our own, by Judy Chamberlain, which is a really good book, I just finished reading it. And it's kind of scary how the same stuff that was going on in the mid 70s is still going on today with maybe fancier names and a little bit dressed up with the word recovery and things like that, but we're still transformed into chronic mental patients. And I don't see myself as a mental patient. And right now I am technically in the category of chronic mental patient. And my real goal is to get myself out of being in that category of chronic mental patient by not having any participation with any of the services that have to do with medical stuff. So that would be medications, psychiatrists, etc. The psychosocial stuff, the stuff to do with daily living, I would still participate with because people need that, if they're in crisis in life or struggling, people need those kinds of services and help. And hopefully one day, I won't need that, either, or I'll be able to support people in some way to transition out of the system, my real goal is to transition out of the system. So it shows that it can be done. So then people who might want the same have some proof in a way that it can be done. And I won't stop until I do it, or die trying. So that's kind of where I'm at. And then my goal would be to help people transition out of being a chronic mental patient, because we died 25 years less statistically, on average, from the studies. So why not put a little bit of time and energy in terms of years, trying to get out of it, and then we might actually, by virtue of doing that, live 25 years longer. So it could be worth the pain and effort, or the scary backs of trying to decouple from this very powerful story that we've been told. And I would think it's a really good story if people that I know and read about and myself, just took the pills and lived happily ever after till we're 85 like everyone else. But that's not how it goes, we're still suffering, we're still struggling with still hell. It's not science, it's it's experimentation, and it's still happening on us. And so I hope I can get off these drugs, I don't know if I can, it's, it's not the easiest thing. And yeah, that's my little thing right now. This is to myself, and I'm in no way shape, or form, trying to tell anybody what to do with their own life. People want to take pills, take pills, I've taken pills, they can be helpful sometimes. But that's why I don't want to participate with that. If that system could guarantee that it wouldn't steal 25 years from my life, then maybe I would be a little bit more excited about participating with it. But I'm not. And then the next thing would be to prevent the next generation from being turned into chronic mental patients. And a lot of that has to do with the context with which each one of us perceives these types of experience. And if we're able to receive people with love, and care and patience, and time, and safety, while they transition through this, instead of passing them over to the authorities who will then track them for life. Now, if anybody doesn't want this to happen to their children, or their nieces or nephews or friends, kids, then it's time to start thinking about this differently. And again, I'm not telling anybody what to think. I'm just talking to myself at length. And I'll probably just continue to talk to myself, because, as far as I know, I'm the only one that wants to hear all of this. And one of the benefits of getting a label could be that it actually makes us easier to find each other. So however many people are labeled with bipolar one, you are officially part of my neural tribe. Our brains work in similar ways. So take away all the disease, the illness, all of that our brains are undergoing the same energetic process. So we are officially a neuro tribe. So pick a different term. And we're similar brain casts, just like there's different races, different bodies, different skin colors, there's different brain types. Look at the autism brain type. Now there's some people go through this brain transition later in life. And it's not just to change our brains, but it's also to help change the world even if it's only ever so slightly. And people aren't seeing the positive sides of our, of our brains and our potentials. And maybe we're not seeing it either. And it part of the reason is because we're not having a conversation in different ways. So yeah, when I get home, I'm going to start up some kind of group. And, and a lot of different stuff, because I have lots of ideas, and I've talked about them. But I can't do them all by myself. So we each other, and just creating a narrow tribe, and framing it in the ways that resonates more with our hearts than with what we were told. And a lot of these experiences we have that are kind of strange. They can be lived. But they're difficult to explain. When we explain them, they sound impossible, but we experienced them. So in that way they are possible. And what I'm trying to get at is, a lot of what I've talked about with myself is talking about the experiences or things related to that, or explaining some of the experiences a little bit. But that's not the same as living the experiences. So maybe one day when we're fully a neural tribe, we're not even talking about explaining experiences to each other. Like I had this experience, I had that experience. This means this means that about the experiences, but actually living that experience together. It feels like we go into different dimensions sometimes. Now imagine if we actually do go into a different dimension together, and we're just living there together. And we're not explaining these incongruent experiences or one person, I want to experience another person, another experience, another person, another experience, all those experiences separately point to some strange stuff going on. But imagine we actually lived in those experiences together, and then it wasn't strange. And then that's just how it is. And it became sort of invisible, because reality works in different ways than we think, for sure. And the more of us that get together on that, the more that will be brought into manifestation, not just individually, but collectively. Just like, reason must have been this thing that was emerging and individuals, and then people got together and two people are talking in that way. And then all of a sudden, it spreads more and more and more. And then that level of experience, living that experience is just the way it's lived. people no longer explain reason, is just assumed that people are operating in some kind of reasonable way, even I say reasonable, and a lot of it's probably still not that reasonable. But we assume that that's the way it is without even assuming that's the way it is, it's just like air is just there. So in the same way, some of these strange experiences might one day just be like air, they won't be strange. And I feel one of the reasons that hasn't happened is because we're labeled as defective and, and pretty much forced into isolation. We're not talking about these things. And somebody in the documentary said, this is what's happening to me. And the only reason I mentioned that is my brain immediately thought, this process is what's happening to the me, not me, or you or her or him, or they or them. It's happening to the me, we each have a me. And this energy is trying to break up the me. In general, it's trying to break up that way of relating and having this personal ego dominate. Because the world can no longer sustain that way of viewing the world that can no longer sustain that perspective. So comes in and breaks up this perspective. And so it's not personal. It's not. This is what's happening to me. This is what's happening to the me all over the world. And the me makes certain things happen, the me has created this society as it's designed with the family system and, and, and success and progress and hierarchies and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this energy makes something else happen, this energy that breaks up the me, if that was able to be fully integrated and transformed, the brain would create a different world, because it's a different operating system. So in that way, it's important to end the me anything we can do to end the me in between so called crises will help that process because that process is trying to break up the me. So whatever that looks like, and also, somebody mentioned something about having an observing presence, well, these certain belief structures can come and try and operate. And in a way that's sort of what happens is we're observing these belief structures passing by and they're scary, and then sometimes they actually take hold of us, and then we act based on that belief structure. So I could have a thought that aliens are coming to invade, and I can have an observing presence of that. And it's terrifying. But if it actually takes hold of me, well, then maybe I run down into the basement and hide under the bed and, and, and start yelling out prayers or something like that. So I feel it's important to observe the beliefs, which is part of the me structure because they try and come in and operate and, and just watch them go by. And this happened to me when I was in crisis in January. As I was walking to go lay down and rest I had taken some Seroquel, there was some crazy things going on in my brain, I can remember something about aliens, terrifying stuff, but I was just walking, and then I just laid down and I just would rest and let it all happen. And, and not actually let it take hold and part of the thing was, if there's not much of a me there, the belief doesn't have much to cling on to and and anchor on to, to start to operate. so that there can be fear but not a me that's afraid in a way so. So can we operate with no beliefs and can we operate with no me and Krishna Murty talks at great length about ending self centred activity and if we don't do it, if we don't use some of our life energy to do that, this energy comes in and does it anyway. And I think I've talked about how the fear a lot of times is the me trying to end and when the me tries to end the me associates that with I must be dying. But really it's just the thought structures trying to come to an end and it's definitely challenging and I feel that I may again have to face death actually go through this ego death and it's really scary and I usually take Seroquel but I don't want to take that crap again. So we will see
I picked some oranges. I don't know if they're totally right. But I feel like something has shifted like, it's now the days where I usually start going downhill a bit. But I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like, I'm not sure. And my friend and I were driving back from beach to the beach today. And there was a Chevy Volt in front of us. And I thought to myself, wonder if I would ever drive one of those or buy one of those? Or what are the benefits of those cars. And then I talked to my friend, my brain twin. And he was saying that he could run me a car for a while. And lo and behold, it's a Chevy Volt. So that was kind of weird randomness, because I talked to him earlier today. And then he said, Can I call you back in 10 minutes. And then he didn't call me back. Then I went to the beach, they came back from the beach. And I saw that Chevy Volt. And they told me about the Chevy Bolt. So it's an interesting sequence of events. I want to use my remaining time in California to get into shape. Because I've gained a few pounds as I got here. And my belly is kind of big. So I'm going to try to do the walking on the road thing. I have a new goal to try to master this thing. So far, not so good. It's kind of hard. I can do about one and a half steps. It's kind of fun, though, to work on a new skill. If I go back home and I can walk across this, I may have accomplished something for now. Done my practice for the day. So by tomorrow, I might have a vehicle to use, I might be able to make the most of my time here. Maybe I'll treat the remaining two months or so more like a vacation and treat myself more and I am feeling better. And I haven't started to have those sort of downhill days. I'm going to call hardy nutritionals on Monday, which is in two days and check in with them and they'll probably tell me to just keep going at the same dose. I might do a few days on oranges only because California has lots of oranges And I slept in today until like 10. One thing I'm doing is always sleeping a lot if I have the chance. So sleep party nutritionals maybe I'll start to eat just a little healthier and get a little bit more physically active with that balance string and a con want to learn to do handstand. But I think I need to lose a couple pounds before learning because that bodyweight will be more ideal for trying to stand on my hands. Lately, I've been feeling kind of excited about the prospect of going home and being off my meds and being just in a lot better shape and better place than I was when I got here because it was a bit dicey before I came here, and then it got dicey here. And it seems I'm slowly working my way out of that. And I'm grateful for the fresh air, I'm grateful for the silence, I'm grateful for the sound of all the birds and I'm noticing the beauty and the movement of life again. So I think my body's happy with the drugs coming out of my system. I want to go home, I would love to get an infrared sauna at some point to help pull all the drugs out of my system. So just a bit more of a check in. I'm definitely feeling more energy. And I think that it could be a sign of getting over some kind of hump in the process. Maybe because I've had more days in a row that have been good than usual. So that's a good sign and I'm feeling energetic. Like I want to do things and learn and so that's good. And I was reading a little bit of David boms book wholeness and the implicit order, there was just some part of it that I want to read to myself. On page 53, he's giving an example of a radio, and how, if it feeds back upon itself, it just creates a bunch of noise. But if it tunes in with the radio wave, which is something outside of itself, then it produces the sound that is beyond its own structure. It's beyond just the radio and the antenna, but its product of tuning into the wave. And then he says, one might then suggest that, in intelligent perception, the brain and nervous system respond directly to an order in the universal and unknown flux, that cannot be reduced to anything that could be defined in terms of knowable structures. And to me, that's the realm of map we're tuning in to something else. And he says, intelligence and material process of thus a single origin, which is ultimately the unknown totality of universal flux. In a certain sense, this implies that what have been commonly called Mind and Matter are abstractions from the universal flux, that both are to be regarded as different and relatively autonomous orders within the one whole movement. It is thought responding to intelligent perception, which is capable of bringing about an overall harmony, or fitting between Mind and Matter. Because just before that, he said, What then is the relationship of intelligence to thought? Briefly, one can say that when thought functions on its own, it is mechanical and not intelligent, because it imposes its own, generally irrelevant and unsuitable order, drawn from memory. Thought is, however, capable of responding not only from memory, but also from the unconditioned perception of intelligence that can see in each case, whether or not a particular line of thought is relevant and fitting. And if I think about that, really deeply, that's a lot to do with what I'm talking about with this map. domain. And on page 56, he says, what is required here, then is not an explanation, that would give us some knowledge of the relationship of thought and thing, or of thought and reality as a whole. Rather, what is needed is an act of understanding, in which we see the totality as an actual process that, when carried out properly, tends to bring about a harmonious and orderly overall action, incorporating both thought and what is thought about an in a single movement, in which analysis into separate parts, he thought and thing has no meaning. And I was thinking about how I was talking to myself recently about how would we live if we weren't just sitting there explaining things to each other. But if we acted as if we understood, And to me, that's what happens when we're in so called mania, when we're in map consciousness, at least for part of the time. We're acting with understanding. We're not explaining our actions and we're not explaining our perceptions, but we're acting with understanding. It's only later when we're misunderstood. That we have to do all this explaining I feel there's something way beyond even this, trying to explain things to each other. Try To explain things to people who don't understand, there's the living of it, because explaining things is already too late. It's already happened, it's already past. But if we can even draw up the need to explain and just live in that, and act with understanding within ourselves. And that is related to how I talk about, when you're really clear with perception, you can understand something, you don't even have to do all this research or this or that you just look at it, and you understand. So when he says, rather, what is needed is an act of understanding. And I feel like in that state, we see the totality as an actual process, and that we're an integral part of that process, no explanation needed. And when we're really in harmony with that, we're riding that wave, that wave of perception and understanding, without having to retrospect without having to think about an explain. So I thought those were two Cool Bits that I wanted to read to myself. And I have a few points that I'll talk about. to round out the video, I made a note that thought is partly what destroys the brain and causes it to break down because of its repetitious and mechanical nature. And I was thinking about this in terms of what Patricia Louise wrote about how the neurons are over firing in the prefrontal cortex, and the neurons break down. They pretty much fray at the ends. And so in that way, we're thinking a lot in that state. And there's a lot of different thoughts. It's like thought on overdrive, and it's destroying the nerves. And in that way, thought actually breaks down thought. So what can destroy thought but thought, so by the brain activating this hybrid thinking process, it's kind of breaking down the structures of thought in the brain. So I feel like the more thoughts in bipolar are actually to break down the machinery of thought, which seems to be what's happening in the neurons at the neuron level. And sort of like, if you want to break a machine, you overrun the machine, you wear it out. Otherwise, how would that really get broken up? Because if we're always in so called normal thought, consciousness, that's not going to break up and we feel like oh, well, everything's fine. But overall, things aren't fine. At the level of humanity, with regards to thought, and it's related to that thing I read by David Bohm, how thought operating on its own, just from memory is machine like, and it's not really correlated to reality. So it's not harmonious. And so then tons of thoughts would definitely not be harmonious, and it just breaks down the machine. So it could actually be part of the intelligence of the process. It's like the brain trying to destroy that part of the brain. Because the brain sees that it is not needed to that same extent that it was before. And as part of the whole thing that there's always chaos before there is any kind of new structure or evolution. And regarding the brain, sending myelin to the prefrontal cortex and how I was talking about, it's kind of like the equivalent of inflammation. And there's inflammation is caused by thought, so overthinking, and, and too many thoughts. And it's not that a me is thinking these thoughts. It's just happening. And so that overthinking, in so called mania, and psychosis actually causes this brain breakdown and causes the inflammation in the brain. It's like the wrong energy going through the brain. So it's like thought, and the me and society is actually what causes the brain to break down because it's the energy of all that. So thought me in society, thought the me and society causes brain inflammation and it causes it to break down. And I feel like the brain is a learner like how cholesterol shows up in arteries when There's plaque formation. And it's not necessarily high cholesterol that causes hardening of the arteries. But cholesterol shows up in a way to kind of protect the arteries, just like the myelin shows up to protect the brain. But unless the underlying cause is addressed, and I feel like in the brain is the wrong energy, it's the energy of thought in the me. Unless that is a trust, then the problem is going to continue. And it's interesting that she said that these w m h is also are in the hippocampus. And I think that was to do with the myelin going there too. And apparently, the hippocampus is where new neurons are birthed. So it's interesting that that happens in the process. And it could be that new neurons are being birthed at a faster rate. So I see this, again, as a sign that it could be brain metamorphosis. And she also talked about how the pineal gland absorbs light and helps to regulate sleep and wake with melatonin or serotonin secretion. And I'm pretty sure those substances are converted into DMT, which is dimethyl tryptamine, which is the bliss hormone or something. But I was thinking that the pineal gland might have something to do with the stuff I talked about before of how, when the light of perception hits our clear mind screen, then we produce the correct response. And interestingly enough, she talks about how the pineal gland hardens because of fluoride. And a lot of water sources are fluoridated. And to me, it's a way to keep our perception narrow, it's to calcify our pineal gland, so we can't really see. So our vision is unclear. So it's interesting how it's interesting how she mentioned it. And I feel like, if it's not clear, we can't turn light into meaning. So I feel like fluoride is anti meaning. And I heard once that I think it's always based on fluoride. So it's definitely a darling substance. And I was thinking about some of the traits we gained through map consciousness. And they're actually brain traits. So one of them is making meaning dialogue, perception in the moment and action. And unless we continue to use these faculties, we lose them, that saying, use it or lose it, I think it applies to these new traits as well. And that's why I talk about harvest practice and body. And. And I feel like if we lose it, and our brain goes back to sort of how it was, yet, there's some kind of energy that wants to come in and break it up. So our brain operates in new ways. By going back to the old ways, that's actually inviting the process to start up again. Whereas if we're able to stay with some of these trades, then maybe we'll allow the energy to come in gently instead of really forcefully. And I listened to a video by Andrew Sol. And he has some really good information on health and mental health as well in terms of vitamins and mega doses. And he mentioned taking tryptophan from cashews, or just taking it, as well as taking lots of vitamin C, and also niacin. And I'm taking hardy nutritionals right now, so I won't introduce those other things, but I'm pretty sure with hardy nutritionals, you can take extra vitamins. But it's not good to take extra minerals, because it's in a certain balance. Don't quote me on that. But I'm just saying that to remind myself at some point to maybe start taking some more vitamin C, and I am eating a lot of oranges. So that could be good for vitamin C. And one important point he made was that some people are nutrient deficient, but other people are nutrient dependent. So a dependency would mean having to take it all the time. So maybe there is a mutation in one of our genetic pathways where we can make certain nutrients so we have to take it in excess And maybe larger amounts than other people would. And so I feel like, if this hearty nutritional thing works, I'll be on it indefinitely. And they said as much, they said, it's not a cure. And in that way, it makes me feel like a person is pretty much dependent on these nutrients to stay sane. And I think that's a fair deal. I wrote down something about words of reason, and how it was related to seeing things for oneself, as opposed to maybe having faith based perceptions. And in a way, it was a logic of the self, seeing for oneself, and then accumulating facts and knowledge around being able to understand or, or reason something or learn. And by accumulating, we actually created this separate self, and we collected facts. And that was logical for the time being. But now, now we're seeing something else we're not seeing for oneself as in the ego me we're seeing for Gaia, we're seeing beyond ourselves, because there's a selective pressure for us to do so. In terms of the totality of, of the planet. So perception selects for traits, perception creates genes. And that is based on Dr. Bruce Lipton's work. So I feel like by proceeding beyond ourselves, we're starting to create the right genetics in the brain to be able to continue to do so in order to be able to continue the species of human being. So the self was okay before, but now we have 9 billion selves, and it's just not sustainable to see that way. Doesn't mean it's not sustainable to keep growing at this rate, that might not necessarily be true, we might be able to continue to grow as a population at the same rate, but we can't continue to see the same way and grow at that rate. So the environment, the energy of the environment, and what's happening in the totality, the totality of the cosmos is like a computer, it can compute exactly what's going on, everywhere at once, or in just one point. Each point is like a computation that implies every other point. So it knows what we're doing and knows what's happening. And then that energy creates the environment and the environment creates the pressure on us to see what's really happening and not just see what's happening for, for ourself. And so Gaia is creating a selective pressure for the brain to mutate. And I listened to a talk by somebody who was talking about evolutionary biology, and they were talking about how nature and evolution and, and, and animals and things, they mutate at the last second, nothing happens in advance, we don't change in advance of the necessity of the change. So I think this relates to what I've talked about with how something will shift really quickly. And then the brains that are adapted for this new way of seeing will actually be the ones that survive. So the point was that, that evolution never does anything in advance. And I wrote down that there's something that sees and creates the mutation. And I think I've talked about this before how, however much we're consciously perceiving, there's still the subconscious calculation that's going on all the time. So even if we're ignoring things, we're still picking up on it to a certain extent. And there's something that sees, and that's a subconscious thing, and that's also collective. So we're all walking around picking up all this different information in our perceptual field. And the bit that we pay attention to is related to the me, but something else is seeing the rest. There's something else that we all share. And it's calculating and in that way, we'll know exactly what to do and how to change things when it's necessary. And so it's life as a whole that sees the need. So when a bird gets a longer beak to adapt to the conditions of What buget needs to eat in the bark of a tree. It's not that the actual bird the personal bird sees that it needs to mutate, it's actually the whole energy of that species and, and, and Gaia that sees that it needs to change a bird in order for the bird to survive, and probably does so at the last second to save that particular species. And it's not the ones don't die out, they do for sure. But so there's something that sees the bird is dying off because it's big is not long enough, through the bird's eyes, of course, and, and it filters into the collective calculation of everything. So it's life itself. Life itself is part of the design and the designer and the designed, there's no separation. So it's not even that the me sees that the brain needs to mutate. It's something else that sees that. So yeah, that's it for today. I will check in tomorrow to see if I'm still feeling good. And of course, I need to be aware of feeling too good. So I will talk to hardy nutritionals about that on Monday. And ask about being careful of that too.
So I don't know if it's illegal to make videos while I was driving. I haven't googled that yet. But I think we're allowed to talk while driving. And I'm just talking to myself so doesn't seem problematic. The only trouble is I can't use the GPS and I have no idea where I'm going. So this morning I finally got a reply about the complaint letter I put in about my psych wards day of April 2016. And, as expected, it wasn't quite satisfactory. They talked about how it was okay for me to be on Seroquel because I was on Seroquel before in previous hospitalizations. Well, in previous hospitalizations, I was on quick release, Seroquel, maximum, maybe 100 milligrams a day, because they have the 25 milligram tablets. And this time, the doctor put me on slow release and was tapering me up to 800 milligrams a day. So my complaint wasn't Seroquel. It was the type of Seroquel and putting me on such a high dose that I was intended to be on it for a long period of time. They don't put you on 800 milligrams just to be on it for a week. So the other doctor put me on those small tablets and I was off of them. By the time I left the psych ward, eight to 10 days later, I wasn't going to be off of the Seroquel at 800 milligrams, when I left, I was going to be drugged up like a zombie. So they completely missed the point on that one. And there were other points in there too. And maybe I'll talk about them later. But for the most part reading, it just made me feel a little bit angry. Because they didn't really get it. But at the same time, I'm not surprised because they haven't been through that. So they don't know. And it's their medical training. So they think, Oh, this is just fine. But I know from my own experience, it's not fine. And it just made me actually more resolved to come off these medications and say sayanora to that whole system. And so I'll probably reply to somebody and say, that's not really satisfactory, but I didn't really expect anything satisfactory. So whatever. The best I can do is get myself off these drugs and and that would be the biggest win and then be able to say, Hey, I'm not taking this crap anymore. And maybe help people see that they can do the same if they want to. So that's the biggest important thing right now. It's coming off the meds and I met up with my brain twin yesterday. And he was saying to me that I should release my videos because I have a lot of good content. And I could be helping people by releasing them. But I don't know if that's true. I don't know if this is gonna help anyone. But I feel like it will help someone if I'm able to come off the meds. And I don't necessarily want to put it out there until I'm off the meds and speaking from that point, or have failed to come off the meds and something rather but I just need a little more time. But the good news is that I spoke to hardy nutritionals this morning, and I told them that last night I had a bit of trouble sleeping in that I woke up partway through the night and I was half asleep half awake, but I couldn't quite wake up to maybe get up and go pee but then I was just laying there for what felt like hours. And then somebody commented this morning that I look tired. So that was last night and the night before. For when I was falling asleep, I felt again, like I was too far into sleep yet not really sleeping. And I was aware that there was some scary afraid of death stuff going on some of the stuff that might wake me up, and I would feel scared and, and have that sort of energetic terrified reaction. And and so I told them about that. And they said that I had a few good days more so than before. And I haven't really gone into the bad days, but I've had two nights that aren't the best sleeps. So they suggested that I go down another eighth of my medication, and maybe now is a good time to start trying to go down in the dosage amount faster. So I also ordered a product they have called central in Manos, or something like that. And she said that might help with sleep. So that should be here by Wednesday. And I'm going to start taking that and seeing how that helps with sleep, and then also going down in the 1/8 dosage. So tonight, when I take my dosage of medication, I'll officially be one half way there. So one half of the way off the medications, which is great news. And I feel more like I want to really do this because of that letter, and how annoying it is just to have everything that I said pretty much denied because it is best practice. And that is a pretty crappy practice, I'm sorry to say. And so if I can come off these drugs, that would be the best way. Instead of trying to fight that system, just transcend it just end the trance of that system. And so that's the plan now is to go down and ate the medication. And then on Wednesday, when it gets the amino acid product, I'll start taking that. And they said when I call on Friday, I might do another one eight reduction, so I might be starting to come off the medications a little bit quicker. And the other cool thing is that tonight with the first night, I don't take any Seroquel, I've been taking 1/8 of a chunk of a pill for a little while. And now tonight, I'm not going to take any circle, I'm going to take half a trazadone and 300 milligrams of lithium. And it hasn't been too bad. And hopefully it continues that way. And hopefully that other product helps. I'm really going with this hardy nutritionals process right now. Whatever they recommend that I should get, I'm going to do it because I'm just committed to this process. And talking with them really helps they say things about how other people experience these sleep things when coming off the medication. And that's a little bit part of the process. And it wasn't even that bad. It's just something that I noticed and then by telling them that they're saying, Okay, well, we're going to reduce your medications by another eight. So that's cool. And the letter was crap. I could have written it myself, because it's just I don't know. So I'll do a little bit of a car review in here. This Chevy Volt is actually quite nice to drive. I've driven somebodies Honda Accord here and it was not the greatest but it was a bit older. And then I drove a Dodge Dart I think when I had a rental car, and it was okay, but it wasn't the greatest. I didn't love it. But this Chevy Volt is quite nice. It has good acceleration and good handling the seats a little hard but I feel quite supported. And I haven't tried out charging the battery yet because I ran out of battery. It runs 33 miles on electricity before it converts over to gas. So I'm going to try to charge this thing every night and then have 33 miles a day of driving maybe and just drive for free. So I've just done a little bit of a loop here, because I'm supposed to be meeting my friend again, because when he got this car, they were supposed to put new tires on for him, but they didn't. And so he asked to take this thing to get new tires. Or I could drive it to get new tires, but he said he would. So I didn't have to drive so far. He's in a little bit of the magic zone right now. And I feel like By the way, I was talking with him yesterday, I was probably a buzzkill, for sure. So hopefully, I can be a bit more supportive, and perhaps, walk a little bit in his world too, because maybe he'll bring out some of the magic in me. And yeah, the trouble with my magic state is a lot of times tips over into so called psychosis, which can be really scary and my life is at risk. When that happens. If I never had my life at risk, if I just stayed in mania or whatever, then then who knows, but and I asked her the nutritionals if the nutrients helped to prevent mania, and they said yes, because I don't want to go too high either. Because if I get too high than they could perhaps have a depression or something and, and depression is awful. 1230 I better give my magic friend a call and see what is going on. So now that I have a car, I can go more to the hot springs. I can do a couple more hikes. I did this hike before the one where I ran through the clouds. I kind of like that one because it's a fire road and it's quite wide. So I don't feel like a snake is going to jump out at me or or bears are going to be running around. That's one of the reasons why I don't really like to hike by myself is wildlife fear of wildlife. So yeah, lots of action happening. And and I started reading the book stealing fire by Steven Kotler and Jamie Weil. And it's interesting so far, I've been picking out points to extrapolate Of course. And one thing I don't love is how they glorify things like war and navy seals and things. It seems like they glorify that, but they talk about other things too, but they started off with that. Maybe just start off with a bang, but I wish they would leave that part out. When they mentioned how it costs $500,000 to train a navy seal, it's kind of scary. that much money is put into training one person to be an elite killing machine. And that doesn't even count them all the equipment and the all the other war machines. But anyways, I won't go on about that. Peace, love and butterflies. This is kind of a fun road two drives very squiggly. This car is also very quiet. Right now I'm using the gasoline mode. And I'm pretty sure I could talk to myself without using this little speaker headphone and it would be just fine. I might stop off at a viewpoint here. Call my brain twin So I didn't manage to run into my brain twin, but I spent some time with my brain twins friend, and I got some honey, sage, honey, it's really good. And it's in the shape of a bear. So that is definitely a score, definitely worth the drive. And I took a bit of a video yesterday about my journey to walk the slack line. And I didn't do any today because it's a bit rainy, so it'd be muddy and dirty to fall off that slack line. So I will do it when I can, but I will share my progress on that too. They too. I'll try some more later. And the other thing I want to do is do the ceremony of reducing my medications. So changing the amounts I take each day. So I'll show you my setup. So this is very scientific. I have used an empty capsule of a different supplement to have my 150 milligrams of lithium. So there's 75 approximately in here and 75 in here. So those are all 70 fives. So this is a 300 and this is 75 and now I'm down to 300. So I don't need to take the 75 so I can save that for when I have to go down 75 milligrams, I'll be on a 150 and one of these, I think that will be the next level down. So I don't need those. But they're actually valuable because I need to always decrease in 75 milligram dose doses and so those are for next round. And then they don't need the little chunk of Seroquel anymore. So that goes with the little Seroquel chunks. And then this is the little piece of this looks like Seroquel. This is my little chunk of trazadone so trazadone chunks go there. That looks like some kind of mixture. So I will just Donate that to the floor. So now I'm off the Seroquel, and I'm off there a little chunk extra of trazadone. So now each day, I'm just on this What does that and so I can pack up the Seroquel. And that looks like it's missing a bit. So I'll replace that with one. That's actually a half. And so now this is what it looks like for tonight, and I take the Benadryl as well. So that's my setup. And then I'll take one Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday. And then by Friday, I might actually have to reduce and do a 150 plus a 75. And not use the three hundreds, and I don't have a ton of 150s left. So I might start having the three hundreds for the 150 and use the 150 halfs, the 75. So that's my little setup, and get this little dust out of here, don't want to take that extra stuff. And so we will see how that goes today. Tonight, I just want to add in and point out that I left for California, three months ago today. So tomorrow, it'll be three months since I got here. And tonight will be the first night I don't have to take any Seroquel since I had to start taking it about two months ago or something like that. And so that's a big deal. And in five days, it will be 11 months of self dialogue. May 20 is the first anniversary of 11 months and June 20 will be the first anniversary of one year. But I said that September 11 was the time that I started doing this more consistently, because I only did videos on four occasions from June 20 to September 11, or something like that. But then after that I really got into the process. So it's possible by the one year mark, June 20. At this rate, I'll actually be off of my medications. So my goal, if I had a goal was to talk myself out of the system. And if I'm able to do that, by that date, I will have officially talked myself out of the system in a year. And then on September 11, around that time, that would be enough time to see if it has fully taken root in being able to stay off the medications for several months. So I'm not sure when I will share this. But I think there was another milestone I wanted to share. But I forget. So I'm starting to read a book called The man who wasn't there. And I've been reading the first chapter on cold heart syndrome, which is basically a person expressing that they're dead, even though they're not. And they're talking about a man who is saying that he's brain dead. And they did some scans of his brain. And there are certain areas of his brain related to the self that were really underactive. And they weren't saying that this means this is the cause, but they did show it in that person. And there's not a lot of people who get this kind of phenomenon happening. But I was reading it and thinking this person is convinced and saying I'm brain dead, I'm brain dead. In a way. They're kind of right, certain areas of their brain aren't functioning optimally and the parts related to the feeling of self. Because this book is about the feeling of self. So what I'm thinking is that this person is actually giving voice to that brain state. So they're focusing on how a person is saying that they're dead when they're not. And what does this mean about the self, but to me in a way, it's almost like the brain talking. And I've talked about before how we don't know how to make sense of some of these sensations we feel, whether it's hypersensitivity to our environment and other people. And it's possible that our own brain can speak through us at times when it needs some kind of help. And to me, it's a person speaking as that brain state, just as somebody who is in so called psychosis, might be saying strange things. But they might be speaking about things related to being sensitive to the environment, but they don't know how to put it into words. So they're saying something, but a lot of it is lost in translation. And again, we don't understand that language. So we're focused on what's wrong with the person. When the person is saying, I'm brain dead. It might be the brains way of giving voice to something that needs some kind of support. And a person saying something strange and so called psychosis might be actually pointing out something in society that is bothering them or needs to change. But then we put it all on the person and say, well, what's wrong with you? I just thought of something about the self. I feel like the self is the way the brain fires because of conditioning. It's the way we've been conditioned to perceive the world. So it's been conditioned to fire and for us to see the world the dominant way. But it's not the only way to see the world and the brain definitely needs to see the world in new ways. The human brain needs to see the world in new ways. If it is to continue in this world.
So in my complaint letter I thoroughly outlined that I did not want to be on Seroquel xR, and they put me on it anyway. And they tapered me up to 500 milligrams a day and they're intending to go up to 800 milligrams a day. One before if I was in the psych ward, they gave me Seroquel quick release, which are just 25 milligram pills. And I don't think they ever gave me more than two or three at a time, usually maximum two. So if it's two or three times a day or something like that, that's maximum 150 milligrams. And I was off the circle by the time I left the psych ward, or two days after, which is maximum 10 days. And I was in the hospital and on Seroquel for 33 days, plus another month to finish tapering off of it in the community. Because I was tapered up to 500 milligrams of this Seroquel before I was able to switch doctors and then she tapered me off. Because she listened to me was the first doctor refused to listen to me in not putting me on that stuff in the first place. And then I said consult with this other doctor, they know what to do to help me. They wouldn't do that. So regarding the circle thing, they put one prescribe Seroquel when you did not want to receive his medication. The doctor prescribed this medication as you had previously been on Seroquel without documented ill effect. Other anti psychotics had caused side effects and therefore not prescribed. And that's not even that wasn't even the point regarding not being transferred to the doctor that I know right away. They say the admitting psychiatrist keeps you unless there's a compelling reason to do otherwise. Well, in my mind, I gave some compelling reasons the other doctor knew how to help me. She told me twice before. And for some reason, this wasn't good enough. And they did sort of address it. They said your concern regarding not being listened to regarding your treatment and what had worked in the past. We sincerely apologize that this was your experience during your care with Dr. x, we value the voice of the patient and want to incorporate this whenever possible. And I asked what if Advanced Directives would be valued. And it says where possible advanced directives and representational agreements will be followed in cases where an individual is admitted and voluntarily under the Mental Health Act. And the psychiatric presentation warranted, the psychiatric components in an advanced directive or representational agreement may not be followed as expressed. So that is the news about getting that document written up, as it won't necessarily be listened to. So note to self never go to the psych ward. And it says, Do people have a choice of the psychiatrists they see when they go to the Ipu? And it says they see the admitting psychiatrist and it says this is our current practice which can be reviewed in the future? Well, I think some of these practices need to be under review, or just have a completely different practice. So yeah, they kind of addressed it when they said didn't listen to regarding what helped in the past. And but not completely because the point was missed that I was drugged up with the intention of being drugged up for the long term with a doctor that didn't even know me, but was just gonna put me on this completely different trajectory that she decided after knowing me for 10 minutes and alter my life. And I knew otherwise and they didn't listen. So I would not put myself in that place ever again, to be I don't know. I really hope this coming off medication thing works because and not just coming off and kind of staying stable and quiet but having some energy and some, some mental strength to change some of these things because it's total crap. And it talks about how I had to call conflict of interest to have the doctor switch And I was admitted on April 5, and I was switched on April 7. But the damage was already done within two days, I was already on 500 milligrams of Seroquel slow release. And then I didn't even ask to be tapered off of it right away, I might have waited a day or so. So within three days, there was so much work to do to come off of that crap and so much scary stuff. In the meantime, it was so scary and terrifying. So I don't know. Maybe it's not just that, maybe it's just something that had to happen. But I guess part of it is not having to go through that kind of thing again. So between driving around with this car stuff and this letter, things have been a little bit stressful. So I need to also relax. So maybe I'll do a little bit of editing and see where I'm at. I have three books on the go right now. So I have some other stuff to cover, I actually have four books on the go. I'm reading wholeness in the implicit order, the man who wasn't their journey to excellence by Carlos caste and NIDA, and stealing fire, by Steven Kotler and Jamie wheel. And I'm just waiting for my brain twin to get here. So maybe I'll just talk about just the little more things. In the book stealing fire. There was a line that says the upper range of human experience. And that made me extrapolate that some of these altered states that often end up being deemed mental illness are also the upper range of human experience. And they were talking about SEAL training, Navy SEAL training, and how it is a filtration system in terms of finding the right people to be trained for that position. And that made me think of how map, how transconsciousness, how altered states in a way, is a filtration system. It's almost filtering who can stand in those states. It's putting our consciousness into a different state and seeing who will filter through. So in a way, it could it be that evolution is partly a filter, not really a selection. There's nothing there doing the selecting. There's no ultimate thing selecting this or that as evolution goes on. But in a way, it's a filter. It's filtering the organisms through the environment. And as the environment changes, the filter changes for who goes through in terms of different organisms. And the human brain in a way needs to change in order to filter through not just this environment, but in order to create a new environment that will be sustainable for human brains. So I feel like in a way, map consciousness is training by Gaia and the universe to adapt to these new brain states that are necessary. It's almost like there's so many different experiences and altered states happening, just like there's a lot of different mutations happening and a lot of different things. But not all of them go somewhere. But something will go somewhere eventually. So in a way, it's not a test, either. It's a filter. It's like waves crashing ashore. It's like a tide. Our brains go into these altered states and these non ordinary states, and then we we come back like a wave like the tide coming in. So our brains go into those states and go into those states. But we eventually do come ashore. And they talked about how in Google, they were looking for a CEO and they gave him a Navy SEAL like test to find the right CEO for Google quite a few years ago now. And I think the universe is testing our brains in a way to and selecting for wisdom. And remember Dr. Alberto patella doe said, nature selects for wisdom. So I think it puts us in these wisdom states, these states beyond just logic and reason, to start to try to select for that wisdom. And by getting with those states and seeing and creating with that, we can And create what that wisdom is trying to create. It's definitely not trying to create mental patients, but that's what human beings who don't have that wisdom or any understanding, turn us into. And so in a way the masses are the environment. So we as brains that go into these non ordinary states are these wisdom harvesting, meaning harvesting states have to bring back enough meaning to change how the masses respond to us. And that's in a way because they are the environment that we're received by when we're coming back. The wave is on the ebb. There's the ebb and the flow. And when we're on the app, or in danger of being captured by the masses. So just as people are testing who can be navy seals, the universe is testing who can carry this meaning into some kind of something, I don't know what and it's also seeing if life can trust us. Life is trying to see if it can trust us. And they talked about str, which has four qualities of non ordinary states, which was selflessness, timelessness, effortlessness, and richness. And I've talked about richness in terms of meaning, there's this inner richness, when there is no time, and there is no self as the me, and there's no effort. And so on away our state is usually so ordinary, I turned around, and I say, our state is usually so ordinary, and mediocre, because we have a self, or we feel a self where we operate from a self. We're always putting in a lot of effort. And we think in terms of time of being better. So in a way, the self and time and effort are all the same thing. I feel like Krishnamurti would say those are all the same thing. Because it's the me that makes effort to be better. So the me is the effort. There's no me aside from the effort. There's no self, aside from effort and time. Well, effort implies time because it takes time to change or to get better, no richness. So they talk about selfless, effortless, timeless, and richness. So the rich ness is the only one that isn't less because it's self less timeless, effortless. So if you subtract itself and time and effort, then there's richness. So if there's richness, in a way, there's no self and there's no time and there's no effort. So I think richness equals negative self minus effort minus time. But those three things are all the same in a way. So if you can rid yourself have any of those things then you may come upon the richness. states are so ordinary because we've been conditioned to have a self, make effort, live by time, feel rich. And I feel like the self is a manifestation of society. It's what we need to navigate society. So what would be a manifestation of Gaia? When we think about the sphere of society is very narrow compared to the sphere of Gaia. So society being lost in that denies the richness of Gaia To be continued.
So last night, my brain twin didn't arrive until 1130. And then we're talking for about an hour. So I think I went to bed around 1230. But I definitely remember having that heart pounding thing happen, and the fear and the fear of death. And it's, it's scary. And I still fall asleep, though. And that was without Seroquel. And then I had to wake up at seven, so, or 730. So I didn't get the longest sleep. And so falling asleep has been a little bit dicey these last three nights. For the first night, I was falling asleep, then the second night it was staying asleep. And then the third night it was falling asleep again. So the hearty nutritional stuff is supposed to come tomorrow, and it probably won't come until evening. And so they said take two, three times a day. And then at some point, I'll just take six before bed. So tonight won't be included in that. So we'll see how tonight goes. And then tomorrow is a little bit of a day with the essential amino acids. And then Thursday, we'll be able to do the full amounts. And I'm saying this because I'm hoping that it helps. Because if it doesn't, that might be a sign that I should head home. And when I go home, I kind of want to take the train because I find flying very stressful, and it'll be quite a bit more expensive to take it last moment. And the trouble with the train is that it has parts of it sold out for two weeks, so I'd have to believe two weeks after I booked the train. So I guess that's the plan is wait until wait until Thursday or Friday to see how it's going. And then perhaps book a train if it's not going better. So we'll see. And I'm not sure what strategies are good. Otherwise, perhaps getting some more exercise going rollerblading. I don't think I'll go today, but perhaps I'll go tomorrow and the next days as well. And I'm not sure if at this point staying off the self dialog is good or not good. I'm not sure if feeling like this is side effects of coming off medication are what my biggest fear would be going into a state that is hard to handle down here without the support of my family. So we'll see what happens. I think I'm just a little tired today. Because of last three nights. Maybe if I don't have an okay ish night tonight, I'll just book a train. And I can always cancel it. I'll just keep doing that. Booking trains and then canceling them so that way, I at least have a ticket on something. So I might do that I might just book a train. And that way, I'm giving myself two weeks to see how this turns around in terms of sleep. I really do want to make it here until the end of July. But I feel like at this point, I'm playing with fire. And today I was just going about my day as usual. And I could send some PTSD stuff in the background. So it's kind of lingering there. And I'm wondering if that scary stuff comes up. If instead of getting up and taking a drug or something, I can just get up and make a video. Because I've never been able to do that. Or maybe if I try to have a dialogue with that scary stuff. Like what is that scary heartbeat want? It feels like death. And Krishnamurti talks about that. Psychological death and it feels like it could be psychological death. And so why am I afraid of that? Or who is it that is afraid of that? Or who is it that that is happening to because lately I've heard talk about how there's no self or the self is an illusion. So what is it that's afraid? And can I face that fear and be with that fear instead of allowing it to take over and direct me to take some kind of drug because I don't want to drag myself up again. And I have my zap strap. And that wouldn't necessarily be a pretty scene though. And I'm not around people who have the same understanding of things as my family. So we'll see
Last night, I actually slept better. So I'm doing a quick segment to say that I did some coherence breathing about half an hour of it before I went to sleep. And I also tried to visualize people that I care about. And I didn't have any of the scary hard stuff. Even though my heart rate did spike, because I did wear my heart rate monitor to bed with the cardio mood app. So I saw that it did, but I didn't experience anything. So that's good. Yesterday, I also made a smoothie with some Hawthorn powder in it, because that's really good for the heart. So again, making a smoothie with banana, Hawthorn powder, Moringa, powder, coconut milk, and honey, and a bit of cinnamon. And it's pretty good. So today, the Hardy nutritionals amino acid should arrive. And I'll take that, and I'll talk to myself later. So I just checked the mail, and I did get my hearty hardy nutritionals balanced free form amino OHS. And they said to take it three times a day, to each time before meals on an empty stomach. And I ate maybe an hour and a half ago. So I think I'm safe to take two right now. And then I'll go eat my meal, which is ice cream. I started reading Dr. mercola, his book fat for fuel. And I did have ice cream for dinner. So I'm not really on that wavelength yet. I did do a vegetarian ketogenic diet for probably six to eight months. And I thought that it would be something that would help to protect me from psychosis. But it didn't turn out that way. I still ended up in the psych ward in April of 2016. And that's when I stopped the ketogenic diet because they don't offer ketogenic diets in the psych ward. So I just ate the psych ward food. But I did do it for quite a long time. And I did notice that I wasn't hungry, I was able to stay very slim. And I liked it. So I'm reading this book, because I do think that I would like to try another high fat, low carb, low protein diet again, probably when I go back home and read the first four or five chapters of the book. And there's some interesting information. One thing he mentions is how high iron is actually a problem. And it's fascinating the way he talks about this. And what he emphasizes, and he was talking about how people who donate blood are actually at lower risk for a lot of diseases because they're getting rid of the excess iron in their body. And I won't go into all the detox about but I just found that interesting, because when I was doing really well for three and a half years before I had any form of so called relapse, I was donating blood. I did it probably three or four times. And yes, you can donate blood when you're on many of the different psych meds. Interestingly enough, and so, I'm thinking when I go back home, I will donate blood again, even though my irons usually on the low side, because I'm a vegetarian, but it still could be good in some way. So I took that as a tip from the book so far and he hasn't really gotten into the diet stuff yet. plan because it's not about ketogenesis as much as it is about repairing mitochondria, getting them to start to repair, rebuild and get rid of the ones Aren't functioning. And I did have quite a bit of energy when I was eating that way too. So I might try it again sometime. And that's why I bought the book on Kindle. And he mentioned an app in there called Google Keep. And he said that he had to start using it because he was so clear, mentally, that he was always having lots of ideas. And so this was a way for him to jot it down. And I was thinking about how I've been looking for an app that does that kind of thing. So when my brain is in hyper insight mode, I can keep track of them. So I'm going to try out that app. And tonight, I'm going to take one more dose of the amino acids from hardy nutritionals. And I will also do probably about half an hour of coherence breathing, which is the coherence training app. And then you need some form of heart rate monitor, I have this one. It's just a chest strap that goes around right here on your bare skin, and then has these electricity things that you just get a little bit damp and then put it on. And I even sleep with this thing on with the cardio mood app just to see if there's bikes in my heart rate when I'm falling asleep. And I talked about before, it almost feels like a bit of a hug. So it feels like I'm paying attention to my heart. And in that way, maybe it settles down a little bit too. I'm hoping to have two good nights in a row of sleep. Because sometimes when this little fluttery thing starts then it could lead to a larger spike of scariness. And if that larger spike happens, again, I'll definitely be heading home. And I have written down some stuff. And I'll talk a little bit about it. And I still have two other notebooks that I haven't really delved too much into. And I feel quite settled with going at the pace of whatever. And I wrote down, you can only understand it by living it in terms of this whole altered states thing. The understanding is in living in those states and not really, in talking about it so much. And I wanted to emphasize to myself, again, the example of how we need a little bit of vision in order to create the visual structures in the brain. In the example of how in experiments, they close the eye of a kitten in utero, and that side of the brains, visual cortex didn't develop. So in that way, if we close our eyes to these other states, and what they're showing us, it's actually not developing those structures in the brain. But each time we go into those states, it's kind of like being in a womb of some other dimension. And if we can go into it with eyes open, and really wondering, then those structures get created in our brains, it's part of the brain metamorphosis, the brain isn't going to change without the perception of something else to perceive, just like there needs to be some vision in the kitchen in order for the visual cortex to develop in the brain. Well, whatever this is trying to develop in the brain, call it the map cortex or something like that. It's mapping another dimension, and we need to not ignore it, because that dimension is there. And the more it can get mapped in more brains, the more it will be perceptible and, and will have the ability to navigate it and it could even happen that once a certain number of people develop that ability to navigate, it might just arise and other people kind of like the 100th monkey syndrome, without people having to go through all of this trial and error and and and trouble that it leads to at this point. So we are pioneering ranging So, in talking about how there is no self, there is no me thinking thoughts. We're more like thought filters. And by picking up on certain thoughts over time, we've created those brain cells to continue filtering those thoughts. And that creates the illusion of me. And I feel like sometimes brains get into contact with filtering even more thoughts. And then when that happens, it tends to blow out these thought structures, or when there's more thoughts that are outside the domain of the me, then all of a sudden one is in contact with something more than just the me. And one starts to question to me, because one realizes, one has never thought these things before. So where did they come from? Because they didn't come from past memory. But really, there is no me. So it could even be a matter of how most of our thoughts come from memory. And then if this changes, in that we're getting thoughts that aren't coming from memory, it sort of challenges the whole me thing, kind of what it does. It's like a current flowing from the past to the future, and then another current flowing a different way and messing up that current and all of a sudden, the current that gives rise to the me is changed. And all of a sudden, what is there there, it's not really me. It's almost like we've reached the brink of thought energy, that something else has to come in. And even Dr. David Bohm said in his interview with David Suzuki, that we need a new form of information, we need a new source of information. And I think this process is part of that. The trouble is, it challenges the notion of me, which is what we hold most dearly. And when we're in those altered states of consciousness, we're in a state of perception and action. And I feel like we need to continue to use that in service of Gaia, or we lose it. So if we can use perception action, in service of Gaia, then we're moving in the right domain. So we get in touch with a different movement of mind matter and thought. It's a different current. So normally, we have mind and thought coming from the past to meet the present matter. But in this other state, mind and thought are definitely moving in a different direction they're moving with matter, its meaning matter in the moment, and moving with it instead of meeting it and dividing it up based on past stuff. So now I'm on to a notebook. And then I have to go back to my old notebook, which I'm probably still talking about stuff related to Dr. Daniel Siegel. But I can't remember. And when I go back home, at some point, I might go through some of my older notebooks because I was in a pretty good magic manic state at some point. And I think I wrote more positive, airy fairy stuff, which could be interesting. And then still going back to the very beginning and talking about some of the things in there, I'm mostly looking for things that are themes I'm talking about now, six years later. And in a way, it's sort of like one of the stuff I wrote was kind of mumbo jumbo. And then some of it is still kind of true today, in terms of what I feel, and see in the States. And in that way, those are the means that have some trajectory from previous states. So I think this stuff is regarding the self or lack thereof. And I think I'm losing my voice from eating too much ice cream kind of bothers my throat. But it's worth it. And I wrote down that can the appearance go through steps to overcome the appearance and that's relating to how the self is kind of an appearance. It's not really there, but it appears as a result of the process of thinking kind of like a mirage isn't really there. There's no water on the horizon, but it appears from that process. So if the self is really only an appearance or an illusion, or however one wants to say it How can that illusion go through steps to overcome the illusion? And if it isn't appearance, then who is it appearing to, and whatever it is that it's appearing to is that a bit more fundamental than the self itself. And I believe already talked about map as proprioception of the self. In map consciousness, we can really see the self and what it's doing. But we don't understand or realize that we're the seer, we're still identified with what that stuff is doing as if it's us who's doing it. And it's kind of scary to see that, at a certain level, there is no free will. And I think I talked about that stuff. At some point, I think I'm going to talk about some of the stuff. Wrong, meaning destroys the brain. This is the human brain talking, not the me. And thought, in a way is a form of homeostasis, it's consistency. But it's consistency to the patterns of society, that would have us be cogs in an economic machine. And the body has proprioception in that, when we walk, the body is aware of itself, so it can walk. But when we think we don't necessarily have proprioception of thought, unless we're in map consciousness, and again, it's really important to drop all those things that we see. And they get dropped by seeing them but not identifying with them, and not playing with them, and thought in a ways and appearance and consciousness, because we're not living in harmony with this other thing, this other dimension. This other dimension is really just living, it's a living thing. Whereas our thought structures are patterns. So why is the material process of the brain used to create all this? There is a meaningful world, we have to create that instead of creating things, based on these past patterns, we have to really see what's actually meaningful, and create that, and thought, and the self. And the me in a way is a reflex, conditioned by society. societies, a reflex and map, dissolve some of that reflex as meaningless. And then sometimes we become sort of non functional because society is what tells us what functioning is, when maybe human beings are supposed to be used for a different functioning altogether. Are we really meant to be trained to do the same thing for the rest of our life every day? Eight hours a day, five days a week? I don't think so. So this energy comes in in map consciousness and breaks that all up and then we need medication to keep the brain in a lower energy state. And that lower energy state is what perpetuates the reflex. If we had that energy all the time, there's no way we could stay in that reflex and the dahling tranquilizing medication makes sure that that continues on and thought is what arises when the brain is not moving with the now when the brain cells are static, in that they're just full of static noise from the past. And that is what is moving in the brain. When is trying to meet the now which is very complex, diverse, intricate. And we could be really with that, but we're too busy lost in our static somewhere else than now is incoherent static, the past is incoherent static, it's a pattern. So it's a question of brain playability. And when we're aware of everything, we don't create a self so there's thought and the me because we're not moving harmoniously with Gaia. So even people that are functioning well in society now we're all malfunctioning relative to Gaia. And Gaia is grading some of us as malfunctioning, relating to society hoping that will at least be seeds of something new. And, and that's why it's our responsibility to really get with our perceptions and and attempt to be on guys side When we don't want to live anymore when we attempt suicide, it's because we don't want to live in this society. We don't want to live in this world the way it's created. But when we opt out, then we're responsible for co creating and being on Gaius side and moving with that, and it's a creative process. It's not something that we can lay a pattern out for.
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So I haven't done a video in about a week. And I haven't been feeling that good emotionally. I've been in some conflict and not really handling myself very well. And I let a lot of things build up over time and just wasn't me expressing myself throughout even though I can talk to myself. for hours and hours, sometimes I'm not the greatest at talking to others in terms of setting up certain boundaries. It could be my training as a peer, just wanting to be open and accepting a very thing specially considering that I have needed that from people at times. And a lot of different factors, but I'm, I'm learning about that. I don't feel happy. I had those couple of good days. And then I was taking some notes and stuff, and then I just haven't had a good week at all. And I think I'm really missing my family and my community. And not feeling I'm not feeling lonely. I don't know how I'm feeling I'm feeling like maybe I would rather be with my family and my community then in California. When before I left, I was thinking I think I'd rather be in California than with my family and community. And it could just be that I've maxed myself out. But it's not just that because I've been struggling here because of what I was talking about before having that mini crisis and having to take Seroquel so many of the days here. I've just been going through like a zombie and that's not how I thought I would have to go through my days here. I thought I would have at least six months until my next crisis and it was a total of something like a month. And then I was taking Seroquel and then I went to LA and did ecpr and so I started trying to take less Seroquel and then it was hard to get off the Seroquel. I went from full to have to try to go off of Seroquel completely. And the Hardy nutritionals people said those were too big of jumps. But now I've been on Seroquel. I'm taking a quarter now. So that would be seven, seven and a half milligrams. But I've been taking it go going on two months. And I think just the totality of everything, taking the circle for two months having that crisis and having to go through much of it by myself and just drop dragged myself through it. And now doing the hearty nutritional thing, which I'm guessing is going to make me feel in different ways at different times. And some stuffs gonna want to come out perhaps that has just been kept at bay by the medications. And also I'm used to interacting with people in the mental health community where there's a lot of understanding and care and all these different things. Whereas right now I'm in the real world, which doesn't necessarily have that context. And so instead of operating within an amongst that context and with people who understand that and who are going through similar things. So there's this mutual support by virtue of just going through it and not even really have having to say things and explain it. I feel like I almost have to explain myself somewhat. not totally, I just, I feel like I understand that I'm not in that context. So I have to be more wary because I could be. I could be misunderstood, or, I don't know, it's hard to explain, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but and just not having people that know me where other people back home, know me and I don't have to feel like I'm I feel kind of like things that I do could easily have more points against me than for me or something. Whereas in my community, I feel like, there's little chance of things going wrong. And if they do, it's not really going to affect anything, because I've been there quite a long time. People know me. I've supported people people have supported me, it's just very reciprocal and mutual. And I find just in talking to myself, now I've speaking a lot of the language of peer support. And so I like the way that kind of community is, is set up. I feel like here some people know about my diagnosis and label. So if I do struggle and voice things, then they could be interpreted as something to do with my label, because they don't know me enough to know. And nothing terrible has happened. It's more. I'm just, I'm just struggling in the scenario I'm in now, and and it's one thing to struggle. But it's another thing to struggle for two months and feel like, well, maybe this struggle would be less. If I was at home, if I would have known that I would have needed to take Seroquel while I was down here, I don't think I would have come down here. I was planning on just bringing a couple of circles, just in case, because I really didn't think anything was gonna happen. But I brought a whole bottle. And I've had to take it every day for the last two months. And so it's been somewhat of a struggle on my own dealing with these things, having to pretend that I'm doing better than I am around others and just go about what I need to do in a day. And I think it's just the time is just feeling like I want to go home and I feel like maybe I should I wanted to stay down here because there's another course I want to take in July. But I don't know. And I really wish I had a car down here. It's difficult to get around and and I haven't done a reduction of my meds for a while. So I will talk to her nutritionals on Monday, I hope and maybe they'll say to go down in my medications because I've been bleeding in between menstrual cycles, and that might be too much information. But that pretty much has never happened. And I wonder if it has something to do with the micronutrients and balancing hormones or something like that. So I only say that because I could be kind of hormonal when I'm not supposed to be or something. I just feel disorganized and disorientated and not knowing what I should be doing and kind of like not in a good healthy routine and I'm tired of not having any money to have healthy food. I feel like there's no point in trying to be kind of healthy. Maybe there is but I'd rather just be not healthy and say money, then sort of kind of be healthy ish and spend more money. And I don't know what I'm saying. But next week, I'm going to try to do some more rollerblading. And and hopefully, if they say go down a quarter of a dose on my medications, maybe that'll help somewhat. Maybe I'll ask if I should take more of their supplement. I don't really care what it takes. If it takes taking more to to jumpstart my brain, then that's what it takes. And I'll see if maybe I should go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel. But one thing's for sure. When I'm in a place of some anger and some sadness and some grief. And, and my mind is occupied with avoidance strategies and so many things, it's definitely not an insight. There's no insight, there's no beauty. It's just self preservation and self protection, I guess I would like to leave California on a positive note. And better than when I got here, not necessarily worse, right now, I've probably gained 10 or 15 pounds. And I'm feeling more like keeping to myself and being social. And. And so I was wondering before I came here, if just being outside the mental health paradigm would help in terms of being able to transcend it? And I'm not sure if that's true or not. I feel like that's my community. I went through those experiences, and I can't change that. And so how can I utilize them? And I'm glad I watched that Steve pavlina video about how he said, when you get criticism or something, you can just not reply, or you can reply with a smiley face or whatever you want. Because I didn't reply to that email that upset me a couple of weeks ago and time in my day decided by others in terms of my activities. And I'm learning that just being here because so my day is somewhat structured. And I don't mind it, actually, but I'm seeing what things in my life. I don't like control, like food. There's some parts of the food process here. It kind of reminds me of being in a psych ward. And so before I met that person, so it's hard for me to think and abstract and conceptualize and plan what I would want to eat for the week. And actually, when I was back home, I was praying for dinner, and maybe a little snack during the day. And so it wasn't super healthy, but it also I wasn't eating a lot and I was staying slender and I was also doing quite a bit of self dialogues was feeling Here, I find it difficult to find a place to do self dialog, that there's any privacy besides my room, unless I was just out talking to myself and not really caring if anyone saw. And that might be the case, but I have my notebook and stuff. So it looks kind of silly or awkward to be looking at a notebook and then looking at a phone and, and also it's really hot. And being outside, it sort of makes the phone really hard and the battery die really quickly. And there's other variables. So I don't know what I'll decide to do. But I feel like if I don't get myself together, I might just somehow sabotage the rest of my time here. Because I am supposed to stay for six months. It was sort of a six month commitment. Instead of a commitment to a psych ward. It's a six month commitment. And it's actually quite difficult as a person, commit to something for six months and, and do different stuff and blahdy blahdy blah. Especially when I've been struggling and having to take extra meds and in certain jobs I've had, I wouldn't be able to take time off or think I've talked about how any time I've had to take Seroquel. I usually am off work those days. If I'm working in peer support, I I take the time off if I had my medical office job, I took time off. Actually I actually the whole time I worked there, I was fine. And I think because it was so happy and, and social and fun. So there's something about balancing this fun thing, and I'm not sure. But if I really have to go back, I will go back. I guess I can't expect it to be roses. Coming off segments. I actually saw a web page for a new respite center or home or homes that are going to be opening in San Francisco called gnosis something. And apparently gnosis means knowing what the heart. It's gnosis retreat centers, and Dr. Michael cornwalls involved in the project, as well as a bunch of people who worked under Artie Lange, when he was alive. And so the centers and the homes there based on the work of Artie Lange. And I've read Artie Lange's book, the politics of experience, and its total genius. I started reading it again. So I could highlight sections because I figured out how to do that. So hopefully I will get it together. And hopefully I will at least get somewhat back into self dialogue. Because it could help a little bit and even if I don't get that much self dialogue in it's good to do a video and talk about some of the more difficult days to because there will be difficult days in this process of coming off these meds and, and wanting to document some of that I want ice cream.
It's a random rainy day here. And this morning, I got a text from my brain twin, and he's coming up here to visit. So could be interesting to see if we can do some brainstorming. And he has some pretty good ideas about some stuff. So again, it would be awesome to be able to collaborate and not just be having insights and talking about them. And I think it might also help to motivate me a little bit because right now I feel a bit like, I'm not really helping myself out right now. So I'm trying to come off the meds, but I'm not eating healthy and having a good healthy routine. And I'm not really helping others. So I feel a little bit like, what am I doing? So if we can do some collaborating him and I then maybe my brain will be more motivated and a bit more happy in terms of that, because right now, I'm nearly halfway through my time in California, and I've only gone downhill, even though it's not really that much downhill. It's just more so certain aspects of my life are missing. Like, I was wondering, would it be like to be away from mental health. And since him, and I talk about mental health stuff, it's a way to re engage that area with more than just myself. Because perhaps the stuff I'm talking about is becoming more and more abstract. And I don't even know because I haven't talked about any of it in a week. And I don't know what else to talk about. But maybe I'll go get a snack. I'm outside, and it's a rare rainstorm. But I'm just sitting on the ground reminds me of home to rainy place. And I met up with my friend today. But he didn't stay long. I thought we'd have more time to chat. And he's doing some cool stuff. He got he's hopefully getting himself an RV and living in a mobile way. And I think that's really cool. It's something that I would be interested in doing. At least partly, maybe living with my family and then having a mobile home instead of trying to get my own home, at least right away. And you have some other ideas that I won't talk about yet because we didn't get to talk enough, but I feel a little bit reinspired to get my butt in gear. And I was just watching a little bit of an Elan musk talk and, or interviews I guess, and a bit of a program on him and it's pretty amazing what one person can do. And he said something about how part of why he does what he does is to create things that will make the future better. So those things being created might make somebody wake up and be like, that'll be so cool when that exists because somebody is making it happen. And I wonder what that might be for me to do. The rain is already stopping. And then I just started watching a bit of a Steve pavlina video, he's up today 24 of his water fast. And I've been eating so unhealthy. And my friend said he might actually be able to lend me a vehicle so that might help and tomorrow Hopefully I'm going to go rollerblading. And I'll probably take a video of that. But I feel like I could work more on my blog and but I'm wondering what the most powerful thing would be to do. I could go back and watch some of my old videos to see if I can remember what the heck I was talking about. Or maybe I've maxed out on talking about stuff, and that's why my brain is not responding so much to it. It's sort of adapted to that, though I haven't been doing it to the same extent. So maybe I'll try some more self dialogue and see if maybe that type of process wants to be finished with and move on to something new. I just made this pastor does doesn't even taste good. I want ice cream. But I don't have any. I don't have a car so I can't go get any. I'd have to walk an hour and 15 minutes to get ice cream each way. And it's 648 there's no possibility of ice cream.
Today I slept in till 11am. Definitely oversleeping. And I'm hoping to talk to hardy nutritionals today and get confirmation that perhaps I should reduce my meds by another 75 milligrams, which is 1/8. And today I remember to put mascara on both eyes. So I think I might be a little bit ahead of the game, but maybe not because I slept in till 11. And I went to sleep at like 930 or 10. I'm having a feeling that this struggle might continue. And it's not that bad. But it's annoying given the fact that I'm in California and wanting to have some fun. And speaking of fun, I'm thinking I'm going to go rollerblading today. And maybe I'll take some video of that. I remember years and years ago, about three or four days a week, I would go to this one place and just rollerblade all day and lay in the sun and not really do anything. And that was a day well spent. And now I feel like I'm not sure what a day well spent is my brain have no memory are problems with memory. So I'm feeling like I want to do something useful, but at the same time, my brain doesn't necessarily want to cooperate. So we'll see how rollerblading goes today. I'm just getting ready to skate down this hill. And it doesn't look like much of a hill, but it's still long so and I've never done it before. But this is sort of the road to the beach before I just started on the trail because I had a rental car but and I bought myself a helmet because I'll be on the road. And this is sort of roller bipolar, I think I feel like I need to try on some new avatars besides the series self dialog. Maybe that one has worn itself out. And I'm definitely feeling on the depressed side. So we'll see how this goes with getting out and doing something. I just ate a big lunch and I'm feeling like eating ice cream every day. But I don't have access to ice cream. Maybe today I'll be able to find some ice cream. So I'm curious how fast as hell we'll feel made it down the hill. Love the street canopy of trees. So it took me 40 minutes to get to the trail from where I was between walking and skating. So I just got the go ahead from hardy nutritionals to go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel from one quarter and 375 milligrams of lithium from 450 and 1/8 less of the trazadone. So that's the next dosage for a while. And then after the next reduction. I'll actually be off half of my medications which is a pretty good milestone. So I would like to feel a little bit better but I don't actually feel that bad. I Just feel kind of blah and numb. And they said that the anti psychotic is a bit of a depressant. So doing the 1/8 reduction might help a bit. So I'm looking to so I'm looking forward to see how I feel. And I think upping the physical activity will help even if I'm kind of lazy and I don't really feel like it. Yeah, I'm not that fun Hill again. Here we go. That's the money shot. wins against me today. Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. feel like I can be a little bit more daring with a helmet on. Go figure. always obey the signs. Like caution. So we've made it to the ocean find us anymore so beautiful over there.
So I found this poor little mouse on a mouse trap I'm gonna attempt to get him off the trap but I don't know how well that's gonna work but it's worth a try because I can't watch this little guy suffer serious stuff such as baby oil but I don't have any so that's what I have is coconut oil spray might be stuck to my glove now though. Now it looks like it can't move because he's got his goop all over him so I might just kind of give him a little coconut oil bath like this and just all over sleeping is exhausted. He's getting a little more feisty. He's getting that sticky stuff off. Okay fine. Okay, no no lasting Just putting in getting oily so we didn't have that sticky stuff on him. Oh how can you kill this? Oh baby sorry that you're out Wally clean yourself off somewhere might be hard to see him in the light but I think he's happy to be free kind of exhausted covered in coconut oil or two just rocking them a little bit. Tell them it's okay pretty much sleeping knows how many hours he was trapped on that glue, struggling evening everybody keeping them warm to you got to make sure you can walk around okay and he's not getting stuck to anything. Give him a little bit of food must have been the most exhausting thing ever. I'm pretty sure he's sleeping. I can feel him twitching How you doing? Should I try and tell you a little bit areas got a lot of a thing to do. Found a little place to rest. Cody's cleaning up his hand putting the glue off He's trying to clean up some glue but he's just too tired. Honestly bringing the most something to eat. Think he's depressed. I think you need a bath. Starting to look nice and furry again. Want to make sure you're nice and clean your coconut oil and glue all over you. Yo, that was stressful. Moshi it's kind of an honor from the universe to hold an innocent creature in my hands and it falls asleep or even loosen my grip and it just crawled right back in to the towel and went to sleep. It's just so cute. Now that he's cleaned off, he needs to dry off. He needs to have more sleep. Nice to have some food and then have find a place to let him go. Thank you for keeping warm I'm awake. Picked up and then he was kind of awake and then just wanted to go back in again. It's not ready to come out yet yes as though had tucked in there and doesn't want to come out. He's awake. See you're running around a bit. Make sure you're strong second chance at life once on the ad before you go
I've noticed I feel a little bit non social feel kind of blow around people like I don't know what to say. Or maybe I don't want to say anything. So maybe it's good to just talk to myself. So I at least have some kind of conversation. And I'm just reminding myself to be somewhat gentle on myself, because I am coming up with every day. And that's my main objective right now. Because if I can do that, if I can be off my medications, then that's huge. So that's the number one thing, and I'll probably spend another two and a half months in California. So I'm over halfway now, for sure. So I'm just going to do self dialogue, even though really out of the flow of it. So when I say map consciousness to myself, I'm talking about mania and psychosis. And that's how I created that acronym, Ania, and psychosis. But I like to create other possible words to go with that acronym. And I created one, meaning action potential. So the nervous system gets fired up with meaning. And when nerves fire, it's based on something called action potential, which is something to do with the difference of charge between the outer and the inner membrane, and then the charge travels along the nerve based on that. But in mob consciousness, it's an action potential of meaning. So the nerves aren't firing around me and the ego process, but around a different seeing meaning and making meaning and sharing meaning process. So meaning action potential. So the nerves are fired up with meaning and the meaning comes through the human nervous system, we actually are able to harvest the meaning by virtue of having the human body apparatus. So part of the self dialogue process is not waiting self dialogue, before I came to California, it was just a natural unfolding process that I did. And now I'm doing it to see if I can get back into that mind state. But also, I have the sense that I just want to talk about these things that I write down and catch up in a way, so I'm trying to catch up. So it's not really. So it's possible, it's not coming across in the same way, but it doesn't matter. Because this is more like brainstorming, than really picking out the bits that have the most meaning in a way. If I ever do share any of this and, and people in the mental health community or labeled people watch this, maybe certain ideas will catch on and certain other ones won't. And people might want to talk about certain things and other things. No. So this is more, creating a lot of different stuff, and not really placing value on it according to what I think is valuable to share. If I write it down, I most likely share it. And it's the opposite of what a lot of so called content creators, do they they really craft it and they really hone it down. And this makes it kind of funny and interesting because there'll be so much of it, that it'll be kind of random to see what happens instead of really some kind of intentional thing that I'm hoping for some kind of outcome. So I'm going to focus on coming off medication, self dialog, and rollerblading as well. And at some point, when I get over this ice cream craving phase, then perhaps I will start eating somewhat healthy. And maybe even these months away, eating healthy won't be my focus at all and I'll go back home and I'll need to get into shape and then I will share that process. SAS of losing quite a few pounds very quickly, I got a new program called g force visualizer. And when I started watching the visualizer, because it goes with iTunes, I had the sense that whoever wrote the program, the program code looks nothing like what this visualizer actually does. It's all these awesome visualizations going along with the music, but the actual coding for the program, if we read that, and looked at that, and had a book of that, it would be completely uninteresting to us. So there's this programming language run through a computer creates this visualization. And in a way, it's feels like this language that we're looking for the fundamental, whatever of the universe is so different from what that creates. That language run through the human body creates this whole world, as we change the shape of the planet as human beings. Yet, we're looking for something that if we found it probably would be completely uninteresting, and, and jibberish, and we're trying to find this beautiful, elegant thing. But without the actual apparatus without say, the human body, or some kind of life. There the language is, is useless. And it probably would just look like coding in a book, it would look like the, just like with the music on the visualizer, you get this really cool visualization, to watch and enjoy. But the code alone or without the music without the life, it's just not that interesting. It's just a bunch of coding. And I really want to connect with people that share some of these meanings, or share in the meaning making process and unfolding meaning. One thing I'm learning about being here is that it's actually a little bit difficult to exist for a long period of time among people who don't share the context of having some sort of mental health crisis, because I find that there's a much higher chance to talk to people that just speak the same language. And before some kind of crisis, oftentimes, we have a meet. And often in map consciousness or so called mania, we connect with a meaning more state. So we're making more meanings, we're seeing more meanings, and a lot of them. And I feel if more of us were connected to more meanings and making more meanings, we wouldn't need people going into crises to more of this meaning more, or if life was more meaning more, we say meaningful, but I like meaning more. And when our senses are all activated, we begin to create laughter. So when I go home, I might want to focus on laughter, and health. When I was watching a talk, a couple of weeks ago, there was a group of people and somebody said, on their slide something something something and I will give an example of this in five minutes. And just the way they said that everybody laughed, everybody got it yet. It wasn't even funny, but it was and it was so subtle, but most people laughed. And that fascinates me because everybody has to get this thing at the same time. And it's funny how that many people found it funny. I don't know. It's, it's bizarre. And I used to do a lot involving laughter. And I've barely done any in the self dialog, which is kind of crazy. And I'm hoping that I'll get some of the serious stuff out of my system and move on to something different, this could just be the very beginning. And map consciousness is energy that's like a lubricant. It lubricates gestures. it loosens us up. It lubricates the stale, constricted ego and gives us access to more degrees of freedom. So in a way A personal crisis is like ego, lubricant. And I wonder if some of these memes might help to set some of my friends free, free to at least begin to make meaning, again for oneself. And seeing that making meaning for oneself, has nothing to do with right and wrong. And I probably talked about how map unlocks hidden potential, but then it seems to at some point retreat. And I wonder what will allow that map consciousness to unfold without retreating? And I think the answer is love. Because love has to hold and behold the somewhat craziness for a while. And I wrote down that the environment is the agent outside the brain that causes these phenomena. And I don't know what I was referring to. But I think I was referring to how somebody was talking about out of body experiences where people will actually be out of their body and looking at their body, from in front of them or beside them. And they're trying to artificially recreate this by probing people's brains in laboratories, and I think they have done it. And so they're saying, Well, if you can poke the brain, and it happens, it's just a phenomena of the brain. But then I wrote down the environment causes these phenomenon in a way. Some people have this out of body experience when say, they're in a car accident or something. So it might be a folded up potential in the brain, but it unfolds when necessary. If somebody needs to view their body from outside the body, in some kind of experience where the body is experiencing really extreme trauma in a car accident, well, then that's when it happens, that's when the brain unfolds to create that possibility. So just because one can poke a brain, and that happens, probably every potential thing is folded up in the brain. And if you find the right place to poke, it'll happen but the universe can poke us to, it can be the thing that causes that phenomenon to unfold, and everything is folded up in the brain. And just because we can poke it doesn't mean that there's not a congruent actuality, in reality where those things happen. Just because it is in the brain doesn't mean that that's what causes it or that's what it's used for. And that energy of map consciousness moved me into a different reality. So it's one thing to be outside the body looking at oneself, but it's another to be in the body, but in a different reality, overlapping with the one that everyone shares. So there's so many different things that the brain can create, and reality with the brain. acting together, I was thinking about thought, and how I feel like thought circulates in our brain, because we're not learning. So when we're seeing and learning we're not thinking about, but we're in direct contact. So when we're not learning, it's almost like the brain is dead in a way. And when it's dead, the thoughts sort of swirl around the dead tissue. Kind of like how ants will swarm around a dead insect on the ground. It's because dead if it was alive, the ants wouldn't swarm around. So I feel like thought feeds on dead or inactive brain tissue. Or it's a phenomenon that arises when the brain isn't moving continuously with the present moment. It's as if we move through the universe, and the brain moves as we move through the universe instead of moving in opposition, which means brains not moving quietly with the moment. And then thoughts start because the brain isn't with the moment. And when there are thoughts, the brain isn't with the moment. So it's sort of a reciprocal relationship. And so the brain isn't really living and thought It isn't a living thing. So it's an appearance of living. So when we're caught in thoughts, we appear to be living, but our brain isn't really living so. So we look like we're living and we are living in a sense, but the brain isn't living our, our bodies are going through reality much like animals would. But what's interesting, I feel like there's a new evolutionary phenomenon, instead of natural selection is called manic selection. So a manic brain would select for different meanings, then the ones that have been brought into predominance in society. And if enough manic brains can move into that as a reality, then that would shift reality as manic selection. I feel like manic eyes change natural selection, because manic eyes perceive differently and select for different meanings and things. And when we're in that mode of perception, we actually get to the edge of reality, the edge of perceptible reality, because we see reality based on our conditioning and the stories that we're told. So if we go to a place where we're seeing different stories of how things could work, we eventually bump up against the end of the world in a way. And we often feel like it is a doomsday place. But really, it could actually kind of be the end of the world in terms of the story, we get to the end of the story in the trajectory of the consensus world, and it conflicts with the meanings that we're able to see and make with manic perception and manic eyes. And so it feels like we're at the end of the world. But really, we couldn't be at also the beginning of this other world, which has different meanings, which could actually just be a co creative world, realizing that we're creating the world with how we perceive and act and moving forward with the right meanings, which we have to continue to perceive moment to moment by really being in contact with this living thing that we are. And I feel that's part of thought as the brain is not in contact with itself. And the other morning I was sleeping in and I could feel and see my brain trying to work things out. It's sort of like when you can work on a problem subconsciously, but usually we're not aware. But sometimes we can be aware of we're half asleep or half dreaming or whatever. And I had the sense that it's not that I'm trying to figure stuff out, as in this me. But the human brain is trying to figure something out the human brain, we all have the same human brain, drop the conditioning, drop the memories, we have the same human brain and is trying to figure stuff out. But we have all this conditioning and memories overtop of it, which is messing up its processing of, of life. And I could just really see that the brain, I was there sort of aware, but I wasn't doing it. The brain was trying to figure something out or wonder about something or calculate something. And it was really interesting to watch. And realize that this has nothing to do with me. And I feel like we have gotten to the edge of reality. I feel like when we connect with those new meanings, or the meaning making process itself, and we see all these old meanings as meaningless. It really feels scary because we're so invested in it. And it feels like death to to let go of that. And I think it's hard for most of us to let go. And somebody mentioned the work of Daniel Dennett and I think he talks about memes. And he said that language undergoes natural selection. I think his work probably relates to this process somehow, but I haven't read it. It's impossible to read everybody's work. But I feel like the language of us, Mannix is being suppressed by the unnatural selection of the pathologizing process. So there's this unnatural selection of language because we go into this language making language, creating, playing with language, unfolding new meaning state. And we're told that it's a meaningless mental illness, and to not really go into it or think about it, it's just symptoms. And so to me, there is this language trying to arise through us as human beings, because we need new forms of communication of the world isn't going to go to hell. And so using the language, not as me, is being suppressed. And we need to learn how to communicate, not as the me because that's what happens when we go into that state, we don't really have a me as much. So it's difficult to navigate. So we need to create new language and meanings together, that creates that herd immunity against psychiatry. And I feel like meaning can come through us and we don't need a me, the me is what blocks meaning. So there's no need for a self. So in a way, the self dialog is actually selfless dialogue or no self dialogue, because if I'm only thinking in terms of the me, I wouldn't be able to say 90% of this stuff, because that's probably the proportion that isn't directly related to me. And I think that's part of the reason why I find it difficult to converse, is that most conversations are based on me and it's sometimes difficult to talk that way. If I was to talk about my knee, I would probably talk about coming off medications and things like that. And it's not a conversation I want to have with people right now.
The property of the brain? Well, it's not new. But it's something beyond just the usual thought, consciousness. And I wonder, how do we create this emergent property of the brain, a lot of money is spent suppressing it, when people go into so called mania and psychosis, and then there's the people on the other end that are trying to help people learn how to get into flow states, and charging the money for it. And how do we create it? How might people who go into those states of consciousness and don't necessarily want to create created and surf that wave of consciousness? I think part of it has something to do with discontent, in that, when we go into the so called recovery process, we're told in a way, what values of society we are to re ascribe to and to work towards fitting into that, like getting a job, or volunteering or living on one's own and things like that. But can we see what we saw in those states of consciousness and what might work better for us and move towards that, and even allow those states of consciousness to come back. And if we're creating in alignment with that, then maybe that energy is served and surfed, and we don't have to feel turf. And I wrote down that words can direct our attention, in that we can think, focus on our breathing, and then we focus on our breathing, or attention can direct words. So if we're aware of the vast visual field, and we have so called choiceless, awareness, then that choiceless, ness picks that thing, and we might speak based on that. So in that way, attention directs the words instead of words, directing attention. And someone mentioned that the brain is blind to itself. So we can't feel our own brain. Or we can't see our own brain, the brain can't see itself. But in a way, in map consciousness, the brain is seeing itself, it's seeing all the activities that it does and what those activities are doing. And that's one of the reasons why in math consciousness, we get freaked out because we can see what the brain is doing and what it does. Whereas Usually, the brain is oblivious to how its activities in such things like thought, are actually participating with reality and, and changing it in a way or having effects. Even as much as directing our perception of where we're looking, because we're judging something. So it has an effect. And then we think that's just how it is. And we don't sense that it's having an effect. We just think that's me, that's, that's my life. That's how it is. But when map consciousness comes in, there's this layer of awareness of seeing what those processes are doing. And then it gets scary. Because we think, Well, I'm not even in control. It's just happening. But that's the same thing that's happening all the time. We just don't have that awareness of it. We don't have the ability to see what it's doing. So map consciousness shows us. It gives us that ability to perceive what all the minds mechanisms are doing in terms of thinking, thoughts, words and actions and how it's directing that end. What that's creating, and it's scary. And usually, in mania, we have a time of freedom from that whole process when we feel quite free and fluid and when the separation again, dissipates in that now we don't feel the self as the self. We just feel it as what is and Then. And in the talks I was listening to, there's a lot of talk about control. We want to control things. And why do we want to control versus play or be artful? We can think of playing the game of life or controlling the game of life. And controlling isn't really a good game. Why do we live life so much to control? And someone mentioned that, it's important to have no goals to have no mind wandering, I think it was Thomas metzinger. And then we have contact with the moment when we have no goals. So I'm glad that there's no goal with this self dialog process. And could be one of the reasons why I'm finding it difficult to start any other kind of process, because everything else seems like a goal. like writing something or, or almost anything. And I don't know, if my brain works on goals. I feel like part of this process is learning what faculties of the brain are diminishing, like goals and memory and things like that, and, and really going into losing those instead of trying to hold on and maybe have some kind of feeling that perhaps it's bad, to lose those perhaps if it's really lost, if goals are really lost, if memories really lost, maybe there's some other factor that comes in that is infinitely more interesting. And I feel like I talked before about how Thomas metzinger said that the self model ends when it becomes opaque, meaning it's seen as a model. But then the question is, well, who is sees this, who sees this as a model, then there's got to be some other level of seeing. And I think this is what I was talking about a little bit when I was talking about map, and how you can see the machinery of thought and what it's doing. And it's scary. It's scary to that level of seeing that sees this, there is seeing that can see this. And it has nothing to do with this self. And I think that's part of the map consciousness is it has nothing to do with the self. It requires a breaking down of the self. And the self has no role in whether or not it's going to break down. So there's nothing we can really do. We can just watch, there's a witness, there's a witness. So yeah, in mob consciousness, the map, the perception, sees the self as a model. And a dangerous one sees what that self model is doing. I'm jumping all over the place, because I've become quite disorganized with the process. think that if somebody was really patient, they could reorganize all the videos into some kind of semi coherent story. But it goes all over the place as it is, and it's not supposed to be linear. And that's probably how the universe works, too. But we just don't know it because we're so stuck in linearity until we go into something like map consciousness, and then we understand how it's not, or at least experience that we don't quite understand how that's possible. But it is, and the brain makes it possible. So to do with how we see the workings of thought, in map consciousness in that way, we're more identified with the witness. There is a witness that is witnessing all of this. But we become identified with thought and think that's what we are, and think it's real. And we don't see it for the machinery that it is. We don't see thought because we think it's the me and when we go into consciousness, there's a witness That's witnessing this me process. So we see that we're not that. But then we feel out of control in a way because thought is normally operating and controlling us. Yet we think we have control. But when we're in mob consciousness, we see we don't have any control that that mechanism is a controlling mechanism, and it's out of control. And so the brain sees the thought process. So there is another element beyond thought. And we're waking up to that other element in map consciousness. But in a way, that energy isn't strong enough in the collective to really cause the thought structure to just fully diffuse and dissolve. So map consciousness, in a way is a process of dis identification. It shows that life is in control, life starts to be in control and not thought, and life starts to be lived through us instead of thought, living through us. So it's life energy, living through us instead of thought energy. And in a way life isn't in control. Life is life. We wouldn't say life is in control of ants, answer life. But for some reason, we have thought in control of us. And perception, that witness is always in contact with that reality beyond thought, there's always that witness there. But we're not. While we live out our lives in suppose it free well, until the witness comes in and witnesses what this so called free will is doing. And that witness element is part of us. And we see it too, and it freaks us out. And I wrote down, life can't be controlled by a program. So in a way, thought is the programming language, which we pass between each other, and perpetuate. So we breed thought, and it's a programming language, which isn't life. And life can't be programmed, yet, if thought is sort of using us, and life overall can be programmed, life will turn against us. And in a way, that's part of what map consciousness is doing, it's turning against the thought programs. And that's why I don't buy into recovery. Because so much of it is, let's shove people back into the valleys of society, that conditioning of society when mob consciousness saw the dangers of all of that. So if there's an element of the brain, that's all the dangers of that yet, we're always moving back towards that, because we're being told to the brain is always going to eventually get scared. And someone in one of that talks that theoretical knowledge does not change, deep consciousness. And when I heard that, I was thinking, map consciousness does change, deep consciousness, we're all trying to find something that will change, deep consciousness, and a lot of us come into contact with that. But we're basically robbed of that process. And we're giving wrong interpretations and me to fear it in this culture. And actually feel like this is the start of the peer potential project. I've talked about that. And this is my meaning action potential. It's the action of the meanings that I've made through this process and in reference to this process, and hoping that others will do the same. And I was thinking about how it's just a world of different meanings. So one is in a state of seeing different meanings, clashing with a world of old meanings, and it's difficult to balance both. And then we usually fall back into the old meanings and have to take medication to suppress the new meanings. And I feel like there's no self there's just wrong meanings or ascribing meanings to a center or self or how most of the meanings we make are in reference to a self that isn't there or isn't real. So of course, it feels meaningless. And then we're we're making meaning without reference to a self It's full of meaning. But that's not the way the world works. That's not the algorithm of the world. Imagine if what was valued, had something to do with meaning, as opposed to the values of today that are causing such tragedies in the world. And I feel like the mental health system changes the map self model, into a self model of mental illness. And self dialog works to change that self model into perhaps a meaning making self model. And part of what makes map scary is when one can see the mechanisms of one's own thoughts, and what they're doing. One can now read what other people are thinking and doing, because it's so machine like, and it becomes really scary. And I feel like the self is manufactured. It's more an entity of commercial as commercialism. And so can we unmanufactured itself by continually making meaning without reference to the self. I feel like in a way, if we're able to share context and make meaning, beyond right and wrong, we in a way share oneself, if we're just passing the meanings between us and sharing and having dialogue, not about me, and you and this person in that, but just about meaning in general. Then it's just oneself, there's no actual center there. And I wrote down that map, changes our perceptual hierarchy. It makes salient different things. So maybe, pleasure was top of the hierarchy before and it changes to seeing living things in the moment, and really being there with living things. For example, and there was mention of rationality and reason and how it wasn't around in the dark ages. So in a way, there were the Dark Ages, and then all of a sudden, it developed that the brain had this capacity for rationality and reason. And then that was treated as the top capacity, the most valued thing. But in a way, right now we're in Dark Ages again, in other ways. And there could be a new capacity in the brain trying to come in, beyond rationality and reason. And I think this is part of what's happening in map consciousness, is that energy and consciousness is experimenting with bringing other perspectives and ways of understanding and, and using the brain. It's being used by thought and suppose it rationality and reason and look at the world. So it's a dark age, for sure. And I think something else is trying to come in. And who knows if rationality and reason didn't arise, and kind of this strange way that at first seemed kind of irrational. Maybe when that first came in, people thought, what the heck everyone that had, say, faith in religions and things, thought rationality and reason was evil. And in the same way, it seems like rational, reasonable people think this new energy that's coming in, they're not even seeing it that way. Is, is bad. But it's something different. It's something new. And it doesn't exist in the majority, just like I'm sure rationality and reason didn't exist in the majority of brains at first. But now, people are raised in rationality and reason. Whereas maybe that was something that was acquired later on in life. So we'll just like now, people are growing up in rationality and reason. And then they lose their minds and appear to be crazy or something. But really, this could be rationality and reason, breaking down in a way. Just like maybe people back in the day were raised in some kind of religious consciousness and then they He saw that, hey, these things that people are saying to me these beliefs people are giving to me don't make sense. And if I do these certain experiments, I can show some sort of rationality and reason against those things. Well, the brain and map consciousness for people who have experienced it could say, from their own experience, whoa, there's something beyond rationality and reason like holy crap, and know from personal experience. But how do you talk about that, which is beyond rationality and reason to those who are rational and reasonable, and how you talk about something beyond in that other language of rationality and reason, because it doesn't make sense, according to that. But people would likely say that these brain states are something less than rationality and reason. And I don't think that's true. Maybe it's just to bring new light to rationality and reason and not necessarily get rid of it, there's still a place for that for sure. And a lot of map consciousness has to do with less emphasis on the autobiographical self. And I feel that's part of why I have trouble socially is that I'm not that interested in the autobiographical self. And the self, in a way is an appearance. And I wonder if there were five people who got together who had no self, if something else would arise, sort of an emergent property of five people with no self, I feel like the energy of my consciousness in one person eventually leads to a person being diagnosed as crazy, because there could be at some point of five people around somebody who's in that consciousness, looking at that person saying, Wow, you seem crazy, I wouldn't take you to the psych ward. Whereas if that person in mad consciousness managed to be around five people, or four others, like themself, that energy might find some kind of coherence and create another type of human that can only happen if there's five people in that state. And I think that's part of the problem of mob consciousness as most people go through it in isolation. Whereas if there were five people in it, together, passing the meaning together, and really thinking together, not as a me as a self, but as just one entity, then that would have a ripple effect. But when we're isolated like this, and even using our energy to, say, fight, psychiatry, or the system, which is one thing, but it's detracting us and distracting us from what this energy is trying to do. And if that energy can do that thing, whatever it is, we don't know, because it would take five people in that space to do that thing, then there would be no need to fight psychiatry, because it would be like the proof of the reason, like when reason became self evident, right now that energy, whatever it's trying to do, it's not self evident, because there has to be five no selves, to make it self evident, are evident to themselves and spread the no self perspective. So just like we have an appearance of our self, within our consciousness, there might be an appearance of something else completely a totally different faculty, a totally different algorithm, a totally different transparent model. Right now we have the self transparent model, or the transparent self model. So there might be a transparent, non self model. But it might actually need the space of several people working together to maintain that energy and almost create a protective sphere. And it could almost be like a puzzle. It's not complete until you have a certain number of pieces. And this energy might need a certain number of people to really take hold Because it goes with the fact that it's not a personal thing has nothing to do with me. It's not for personal. Suppose it enlightenment or anything like that it's something to do with humanity as a whole. So the self is an appearance of the movement of thought. So thought wasn't moving, if it was still, if it was, in a zero state, there would be no self. So what is there in a movement of this energy, of map consciousness, when it's moving through not just one brain, but through five brains than what appears. And in a way map consciousness releases us from the wrong meaning, we've attached to the self, which isn't really there. And, and then we're in the flow of meaning and not the flow of thought, which creates the self. So the flow of meaning creates something other than itself. I think it creates a living being who wants to connect, it's back to that altruism, of seeing that we're all one. And not just in words, but actually. And the human brain wants us to get with the right meanings. So people who go into the meaning making state are attempting to get in alignment with the right meanings, and bring those back. So actually, the next age could be the age of meaning. It was the age of reason, and rationality. And now, we need some meaning behind this rationality, because there's a lot of rational things that are meaningless or are destructive. And in a way, it's hard to survive going into that meaning making domain because we come back down to this level of reason in order to bring back the meaning. But unfortunately, we are infused with wrong meaning and seen as crazy when really, we've connected to that next level of meaning. And when we come back down to the level of reason, we seem a little bit crazy, because we're saying meanings that have not yet taken hold of this meaningless, irrational world. I think that's really important. The meaning versus the reason. And I feel like wrong, meaning destroys the brain. All the thoughts in our head that are pretty meaningless. Cause the brain to shrivel up. It's not really flowing. It's not flowing with meaning that's flowing with thought. And that's repeating. And this is the human brain talking. The human brain speaks a language of meaning right now it speaks a meaningless language and it needs meaning. Think about how, when people in their life often it's because they don't have a reason to live. So they're saying, well, I need a reason. But they can't find any reason. Because there's no reason that can be good enough for a life to be good. And one might say, well, life is meaningless. Well, we need some kind of meaning. We need meaning and we don't if we add one meaning and might be enough, and I don't think there could be any reason that would be good enough. We need meaning, not reason. I don't think that made sense. But it kind of made sense in my brain. And that's all that matters.
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So it's interesting how much difference a couple days can make. I feel like something shifted in a good way. And I don't know if it was doing some self dialogue the other night two nights ago I didn't do any yesterday I ended up going to the hot springs. And I also haven't had any Cinnamon Toast in three days. And I've been doing bulletproof coffee and I've been sleeping a bit better. And I've gone down to one quarter of a Seroquel. I was on a quarter before but it's hard to cut them into exact pieces so I was on bigger pieces. So they were more than a quarter was probably more like a third. So now I've been on a quarter for a day or two and still taking the Hardy nutritionals so I'm not sure what's making the most difference but I think all of it together is making a little bit of a difference. This morning I rescued some mice. They were just on the floor and they were just babies they didn't even run away. And I I'll include a bit of the footage. All the kids little whiskers are touching. And then after lunch, I just came outside because it was raining. And just started taking pictures with my macro lens of some of the flowers and some of the flowers with water droplets on them. Because usually here it's not raining so it was a different scenery. And to me, that feels like my brain shifted back into noticing beauty. And I was talking a lot about that. And then I sort of stopped the self dialogue process, and then seemed to get worse, I don't know, I haven't really watched those videos to see for sure. But it feels like stopping that self dialogue in the dialogue with nature wasn't necessarily a good idea. And then as soon as I started having self dialog again, and then I go outside, I just naturally start looking at the different flowers and how there's water on them and, and looking outward and looking at the beauty again. So that was an interesting experiment without trying to really do an experiment, I thought I was just going to stop the dialogue process, because just talking about stuff didn't really seem it seemed like not a good use of time, or, like I was saying the same thing over and over again, without knowing it. Whether or not that's true, I think it seems like just keeping my brain in that dialogue state is important, because as soon as I put myself back into it by just sort of doing some self dialogue, in a very uninspired way. But as soon as I did 20 minutes of self dialog, then all of a sudden, I was writing down new insights, that maybe not new, but they feel new. So I think the point is to stay in that process of having insights. And one might be thinking, Oh, well, that seems old. But it's still new at that moment. So keeping the brain in that state of newness is the important part. And I can see how that goes on in actual life. It's like, going into another dimension altogether. I feel, not 100% better, per se. But I feel like my brain is just in another dimension. It's not in that dimension, that I allowed it to recede into, which is all about ego me and coming off medications. And I wasn't even trying to make it about that. But it's more like, by not engaging this other part of the brain than the natural momentum of the brain is to go back to ego consciousness. It's like, this passive state, it's like this inactive state, this habitual state. And if one isn't actively aware and present, and putting one's energy into perceiving in the moment, and having insight in the moment, maybe writing them down, then it's difficult to stay in that state. And that might be one of the ways that a person who goes into map consciousness or transconsciousness, or an omni polar brain can stay in these other places, which is a place of perception, it's a place of higher awareness, and higher just in terms of being of a different quality, and dimension than the ego. And this makes sense with all the stuff I was talking about regarding how coming down from AB consciousness, we have to go through the ego process in those lower states of consciousness. And that sort of reconnects us to consensus. Well, there can be a mini version of that. When one is an experiencing highs and lows of emotions, one can still be experiencing different areas of the spectrum of consciousness, just by virtue of how one's perceptual apparatus is functioning. Is it functioning in association with relating everything to this illusory me ego? Or is it just seeing the beauty in the moment and recording it's almost like being a scientist or a researcher or philosopher of the moment? Not Oh, I go too much. Job nine to five, and then I do this work, but it's like work in daily life always working to perceive the actual end and recorded and sort of make it known in a way. Because there's definitely a richness there. Whereas when I was in the other state, there was no richness. So I'll keep capturing beauty, I'll probably forget again at some point. Because the thing is that when one isn't rooted firmly in the ego state, and I don't seem to be, and I don't even know if that's true, per se. See, I forgot what I was saying. But one seems to forget what one is even doing, because it's a non doing state that does something without a Dewar's. So it's kind of almost like starting again all the time. Because there's no entity there, there's no image to accumulate more images and, and sort of fill the brain up with memory. One needs to forget everything in order to see things afresh. And then they feel really rich. Instead of needing more and more and more, the richness of perception can pick out something rich each moment in any moment, and it's not an accumulation. So even if I think I'm trying to do something with the self dialogues, I really am not. And I feel like now I see for sure that this self dialog is important to keep my brain in that state, if I was in a place where I was having lots of dialogue, then maybe I wouldn't need to intentionally have dialogue with myself to put myself in that state of dialogue. Because as soon as my brain is in this state of dialogue with myself, it's then in dialogue with nature, and with daily life. And that's often how we feel when we're in so called mania is we can just talk to anybody, we can talk about anything in the moment, and doesn't matter what it is, we don't necessarily have an agenda. And that could be part of the trouble that at some point, in mania, we feel like we have an agenda, or we have a mission, or we have to do something or there's something special we're supposed to do. And that actually creates this sort of manic ego. But if the whole part about trying to do something, the motive, which is the ego can be dropped, then maybe it's something altogether different. Because that energy isn't trying to do anything in particular. And when we try to use that energy to do something in particular, that's the ego because it's picking out something from memory. So if we don't keep score, if we don't think I did this good thing, and now I'm going to do that good thing. And now I'm going to do that good thing. If it's just dropped in each moment, and it doesn't accumulate. It might not get out of hand. Because motive is from the past. And perception does not require motive. And it actually can only happen if there is no motive because a motive is a projection. And it's going to interfere with direct perception. It's saying like I know what to do with this moment. Which is the ego So it could be helpful for us, Mannix to see this mechanism that distorts what that energy is trying to do. It wants to see. And the moment will tell us what to do with that energy, which might not have anything to do with any prior moment. So instead of doing with the ego projects, we do what vision sees in the moment, and then not ascribe that to me. Because if we use that energy, which is pretty powerful, to create more of an image of ourselves to puff up a bigger me, then that might be part of what causes us to fall so hard. Cuz in normal ego consciousness, we kind of go up, we go down, we go up, we go down. And it's manageable in our emotional states. But if we go into manic consciousness, and use that energy to create a bigger me, even if we think we're doing that, to help the world, it's going to be a bigger and harder fall. So maybe helping the world is not trying to help it at all. We don't see what we're doing. And that's what's creating problems in the world. And by just trying to do more, do something different, it's still part of that pattern of trying to do something when that energy wants us to see what we're doing, and see something else. So for now, I probably can just have dialogue with myself. and not worry about the repetition. But just seeing that this process of making half an hour or an hour video a day, keeps my brain in that state. And it's like exercising that if I don't do a certain exercise, ever, and then one day I do it way beyond my capacity, it's going to hurt. Whereas if I do little bit day, by day, by day, it just keeps that going. It's almost like cardiovascular exercise for different areas of the brain. It's putting oxygen and blood supply in an area of the brain that is activated when one has dialogue. Which who knows where that is exactly, but I feel like it definitely keeps the circulation going in certain part of the brain. And, and having insights and writing them down, that creates circulation in a certain part of the brain. So what's really important is this insight, this intelligence that can have insight that has nothing to do with the ego. And all of our brains have that capacity. And I don't even know if that's what this is exactly. It seems to take on a life of its own when I go back into that. And maybe because I've done it enough, it's it's available, like learning to ride a bike and then not riding a bike for 10 or 20 years and then being able to just get on the bike and do it and that sort of like having that dialogue blueprint in the brain. So it's important to keep that conversation going from the other state. This state of insight the state of die I log this other form of learning and intelligence. And I can see that the trouble with getting labeled and drugged is it really turns off that capacity. And that capacity is what we gained through the states and sort of lose the very thing that we gained, which was our brain really being on and open to learning and seeing could really see clearly and then to have that blocked and taken away. It's almost like having our eyes taken out in a way. So there could be a way to reactivate that dialogue, intelligence state in the brain. Just by having dialogue with oneself and with other people. I feel like this is something the world wants us to do is have this conversation and have this dialogue about what this energy is trying to bring about. Right now, it's seen as personal mental illness, but I don't see it that way. I see it in the evolution of consciousness framework. And I experienced being in those lower states and the ego states and of me and and it wasn't energetic, it was heavy, it was awful. And that again shows me that that's the product of those states of consciousness. And these are explanations and these aren't beliefs, their meanings, their possibilities, their memes, their dialogical DNA. It's experiential Omni polar poetry. I think part of this other way of living that Krishna Murty talks about is this dialogical state of consciousness. It's a different way of speaking and seeing and perceiving and acting. And I think that's what that energy is trying to bring in when people go into map consciousness. It allows the brain to see these other possibilities and capabilities and capacities. Not the me to see it the brain. So I can see when that ego state isn't in operation. It's something else altogether.
Sometimes there's a torrent of water. Sometimes there's nothing. I'm still feeling pretty good. qualitatively different, for sure. And I didn't mention yesterday that it was my birthday, I totally forgot. And it was so nice to not spend a birthday in the psych ward. Remember last year I was taken out for dinner by family members and we went to a restaurant and then had some dessert, I had some kind of pie or something. And after I ate the pie, my gums went numb. And I felt like I was somebody who was self medicating with some kind of illegal drug. That numb feeling on the gums people can get I just had this sense. And I had the sense that I had overindulged, and I was afraid, and I didn't quite feel like myself. It was kind of scary. So I wasn't altogether better at that point. But I was still on that medication that made me feel worse. So I'm not surprised. rocks on the wall to hang from. It's really interesting, because I wanted to find a tree to hang from just to improve my grip strength a little bit and arm strength and stretch my joints a little bit and gravity. I'm heavy. And a couple hours ago, my first day after turning 35 I found a gray hair. It's right. There it is. suit. I see. But that's there's got to be more. But that's, that's the first one that I've officially found. So I'm officially aging, which I was already but now those things are going to be popping up like mad. A few years ago, I decided to stop dyeing my hair because it wasn't gray. So I may as well just not color it. And now, I will again start to color it at some point. So I've been having a few insights and writing it down. Unlike the however many days prior. We're not engaging in that process. It just sort of stops. But the good thing is it can just be started up again. And I'm not sure if that's what helped to shift me. But I really think that's part of it. I was thinking about how this process allows us again to come up with our own perceptions. Like we might in childhood, we might see something and give voice to something about how we perceive it. And it's not necessarily true, but it's part of learning and it's fun. So can we come up with our own perceptions and that energy of mania or maybe I'll start calling it magic. It's an energy that allows us to come up with new perceptions or have new perceptions and then give voice to them or not give voice to them. And possibly part of it is starting to learn what to give voice to and what not to. So we might have a perception but it might not be something that is good to give voice to And Either way, it's not necessarily good to attach any of them to the me, the perception is rich, because it's an absence of the me. So instead of having this ego sense through which we sense it, interpret everything that is decreased. And we're in touch with all of our senses. At the same time, which isn't just five senses, it's every cell in our body has a sense. So we can be in communication with that to some extent. And the thing is, when that sense communicates with us, whether it's a cell or all ourselves are certain sense, this information, when we sense it, there's some kind of organization that happens that gives voice to something, so we can give voice to it. Or we can use it to identify and create more of a me ego structure. If I feel like I thought of that, or I came up with that, there's this ego sense that strengthened, but when it's just words, like it's just giving voice to something that was seen or perceived or felt, it's giving voice to all those other senses, as opposed to just the opinions and the judgments and everything that one has absorbed and remembered throughout life. So instead of speaking as a memory, we're speaking as perceptions and senses in the moment. And at first, that's very intense. But over time, we can learn to understand that more. So every time this flux and flow and, and changing energy of consciousness happens, we can learn, and it could be some kind of accelerated learning, because it's like being immersed in it, and there's no escape. Whereas if it was just this gradual, little thing, then the ego was comfortable with the gradual learning, because it can only gradually absorb so much information and, and collected around the center of the me. And that's this slow process of sound retrieval. Now, when we're in touch with the light of perception, that light of all the senses, combining together will then produce sound maybe, or produce action, it will produce something that is adequate for the moment, because it is the impression of the moment not sound being projected out to meet the information, which is light information, but all the senses, but it blocks all those senses by meeting it with the ego partiality, meeting life with our partialities. So in a way, the mental health system is the perception of police. It is some kind of intervention that comes in and stops this learning process of learning in the moment as the moment and being in touch with all of our senses, and, and pushes us back to the limited perception of the ego. I feel like part of the trouble is that during this transition period, where one is in partial ego and partial holistic sensing is that the holistic senses get translated into the ego. Because that's the language we speak, inside and outside. So then it's kind of muddled up. And that could be another benefit of self dialog is just speaking as these perceptions and not really muddling in the ego. So then, if the energy intensifies, then we have a bit more sense of, of what's happening, or we can understand those translations. When I had that terrifying energy, wake me up as I was falling asleep about a month ago, when I jumped out of bed. I had this faint sense of oh my gosh, I have to kill myself or oh my gosh, I'm gonna hurt myself. Even though I wasn't actually in that behavior pattern, I wasn't going to do that. But it was just this very faint, like a memory of that pattern related to that terror, but not strong enough to actually make me do anything just kind of noticed that it did make me take a Seroquel to make sure it stopped. And perhaps I could have waited it out and seeing if it just stopped on its own. But I didn't do that yet. But that might be the next step. And because when I had the full blown crisis in January, and I said, Well, the next step is to try to get it before it turns full blown. And I think I might have done that this time. So the next step, it's almost like a step backwards, because it's actually allowing to see if it's going to go full blown, which maybe I already know the answer, because I've already had it happen that way, a few times. But the difference would be maybe just going through it, and allowing it and then not taking the pill to see what happens. Which could be kind of scary. And I feel there's something with this whole fear thing. Like the fear that fear that terror of death is the ego being afraid. But it's not the ego being afraid it is the ego. So it's that coming back in or that trying to leave, I don't really know. Or if I can be with that fear and just watch the ego shrivel away. Kind of like that last scene in Fight Club when when the guy shoots himself in the face to kill his alter ego. And he's staring right at the alter ego. While he does that. And then the alter ego dies, it's sort of like using the light of attention and perception. To watch it just sort of implode upon itself and not take the body with it. Because it kind of is this energy that tries to take the body with it when it dies. So I am reducing my medications. Today, I will take another 75 milligram reduction of lithium. And so I'll be on 450 and I'll reduce the Seroquel. Well, I'll keep going with a quarter Seroquel and then reduce the trazadone tomorrow night by another eighth swell beyond three quarters of a pill of trazadone. And last three days, I'm feeling so much better, just less drugged. I think those drugs, they just create this state that goes along with one's posture and one's facial expressions and everything or lack thereof. And it's kind of scary. It definitely is this chemical prison, it's like this. It's like the ego tries to die to some respect and maybe just sort of atrophy and have these other senses come in. And it feels intense. Because it's new. It's something that we haven't really sensed since we were children. So already feel more freed up. And maybe it's partly because consciousness knows that these drugs are going to be on their way out of my system, hopefully. And the thing is, if it leads to some kind of crisis, I might just go through it without the meds. Because I've been on the meds and these crisis events still happen. So if I come off the meds and they haven't like, whatever, who cares? It's the same thing. I guess the only thing is that I could go into possibly being more up and down and set instead of being sort of stable. But how stable is it really if I keep having these distressing events? So yeah, I don't know if I said but the mental health system is the perception police. If we had different people who were in dialogue with us when We go into these meaning making states and hyper learning states and new perceptions and giving voice to something that is beyond us. And learning how to do that. Not getting back to the voice of the ego, which is the suffering and the struggling in the pain. This other voice is other perception is trying to break that. And that's partly why I've been in dialogue with myself to create this context. And I didn't really realize it. But this dialogue process is part of what that energy in the brain wants to create, it wants us to be in dialogue with everyone all the time, wondering, questioning, not thinking, knowing, judging opinions, which are all from the past, they're all from other people, and then we read something and then we're like, well, that's a good opinion, I'm going to hold on to that. We don't form anything of our own. And part of this perception process is forming something original and of our own, which isn't of our own, because it's actually a perception from the totality that we all share. So it's not even our own. It's the voice of guy, the voice of humanity, the voice of nature. And when that first starts, we first tried to learn that language, we sound like the equivalent of children who know English, but are speaking kind of gibberish. But eventually, through reading life and daily life, it starts to come together. Because we've been using language wrongly. And then when that breaks up, and we're starting to attempt to use language in a different way, not even really knowing what the right way is. Because if we knew what the right way is, we would do it. So it has to break up the old to bring in the new but in the meantime, we're at risk of being diagnosed with some kind of mental illness. And I think that's partly the reason why I feel like it's important to have dialogue with each other, and help each other to speak this other language, not just about, Oh, these are my symptoms, and this and that, but the meanings and perceptions that we have to help each other. Learn this voice reversal process, giving voice to what we see and sense and feel and perceive in the moment. And not the past interpretation of a small fragment of what it can see that is made salient from its conditioning. Why does the human brain collect sound. And I feel like if there isn't sound all crowded up in there, and the light comes in, and information, and, and the energy, and it's clear, and It impresses upon all of our senses. There's a computation that gives voice to something else. And it seems like it really does collect sound, because when we're in magic, when we're in my consciousness, transconsciousness and Omni polarity, we are spitting out bits, like they're coming out of our brain like popcorn. And so we're seeing some of that old stuff. And that's getting mixed in with the new stuff of perception. So we're not mentally ill or learning a new language, we're learning how to use language instead of be used by it. And I wrote down an insight. And I, again, don't know if it's true, just came into my mind. It's not that we get rid of the ego, because really who's going to get rid of it, the ego can't get rid of the ego. It's that the light of perception moves faster than the speed of sound of the ego. So the ego is going at the speed of sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if that light of actual perception of the present moment, hits our being, it's going to break down some of those sound structures because that perception is going to inject another voice. So if I'm going, blah, blah, blah, circles in my head with sound, and all of a sudden for some reason, I see something beautiful. And I look and even something like oh that's so beautiful comes to my head. That is a voice of the present moment. And that just inserted some sound from light of perception and information and created that and if I was walking With a friend, I might say, Look, that's so beautiful. So now I just pointed out something the perception picked up. And if our thought structures are very strong, then it's likely we won't even notice the beauty. And it's all around in every moment. And that is part of what brings out that structure of sound going on about the me that isn't even there. So we put all of our energy into that. And it's a waste, because it's nothing the birds like to fly through here. So when that light gets through those little spaces between the sounds of our thoughts and we see something that creates space for a voice of something else. And that can happen in an instant. And I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is there's more of that space. And I feel like that energy that comes in, creates that space in the brain. Because the sounds and the thoughts are wasting the energy of the brain, and diverting into the prefrontal cortex and dopamine. But this energy that comes in has nothing to do with us. It's not personal. And it helps us to see life non personally, which is beauty, which is there, it's has nothing to do with me. But when all we can hear is the me, we can't be with that beauty, which is everywhere. And part of the main problem of the world I feel is that we're okay with sacrificing beauty. For the me. cut down the trees, we'll do all these things. And we can't even see the beauty of not even just the one tree or whatever, but the whole process of it. And in destroying that beauty, I actually feel and there's no way to prove this. That that is part of what creates more thoughts because thoughts aren't personal either, we just sort of pick up on them like, like antenna, people are thinking thoughts, and everyone has their own private mixture of thoughts. And I feel like the more nature's destroyed. If a trees cut down, it sends out more bad thoughts to human beings, because we're actually not separate. They've done studies where people walk in a room and chop up a plant in front of other plants. And then the same person comes back later. And the plants have some kind of electro or physiological reaction of some kind that they can measure. So when they're scared like that, we're scared. So if the plants are scared, if they can pick up on our fear, we can pick up on there. And there's a lot more plants out there than there are human beings. So we're wondering why all this chaos is happening like this. And it's because we're not separate from this, literally. And life is all the same language. we as human beings might speak English or Spanish or Japanese or whatever. But underneath that, those words that we've described meaning is the language life of gaiac consciousness of Gaia of the cosmos, that allowed language to evolve. So in the energy of Gaia, is all these languages that we created or whatever happened. But that came out of the total language. So we speak this partial language to human beings. But there's a total language from what you came and if, if we can't look at nature and under Stan that which we might be able to put a tiny fraction of that into English, and then maybe be able to communicate a little bit of that understanding. But even being able to communicate a little bit of the understanding isn't the language of Gaia, we could never get to the bottom of it. And we're translating it all into our language. So we have the language, English. But if we see a tree and translate that into paper, now we have translated that tree into human being, or human using human functioning. So we're transforming this whole complexity, this whole language, this whole gesture, this holistic life, entity into human being, or translating it into that, so it will retaliate with its own language, which is no earthquakes or whatever it can use to destroy human beings. And I don't think that it wants to destroy us, we're all the same, but it's just talking back, it's just saying hello. So we can see beyond the tricks of sound, the tricks of sound that produced this light image, engaging us. But as, as sunlight of the actual gets through that, as it gets through and creates this holistic perception, we give voice to something or we understand something, it breaks up all this light, cage misunderstanding of light and sound holograph phonic interference. And I've also seen that seeing and perceiving, give energy. understanding and learning and being with the moment, give energy. And I feel to just speaking as this other voice just using one's voice, not for personal interest in personal functioning, personal gain, the language of human using. It's a different language, it's the language of perceiving and wondering. And if we could speak this language, we wouldn't feel the need for all this mindless entertainment to shut up the ego because we'd always be learning from what is in the moment. And the voice we hear in our head is self talk, as they call it. When self dialog is self discovery, discovering things. Understanding learning, that repetitious thing is not that it's not understanding, it's not learning. He gets in the way. And I think this way of speaking, actually wakes up the brain and wakes up the brain by talking to it. Not having repeating tapes in it, brain is pretty much asleep. Just like we fall asleep at night watching TV while we fall asleep during the day, watching our inner TV, because it's on repeat, and we've seen it a million times. I think it wakes up the brain to perceive because it's meant for perception and not repetitious. yester sound deception. What a difference a few days can make my brain feels so much more fluid. I just made a pumpkin coconut banana smoothie with chia seeds and cinnamon.
And then the magic forest water still running up here and see if I can find a pool to dip into think there's a call at the end. This is it. Oh yeah. This is why I feel so good. That's 30 degrees here and I practically ran the rest of the way. So this feels good. Soon, these schools will dry up here, so I have to take the opportunity. While I have the chance, while nature allows me to enjoy her beauty match magic. So I don't know if you can hear me because of the waterfall. I think listening to the waterfall is actually more important. But I walked all the way up here, it probably took about 45 minutes uphill, and around the end of it I was running. So I definitely have more energy. And I talked to the Hardy nutritionals people yesterday, and they said, wait until I feel kind of blah like that again before I reduce my meds. So I thought they said once a week, but they said keep going at the same dose until I again feel kind of overmedicated. And now I really know what that feels like because I was totally and then I just reduced by an eighth and I felt better so I guess that took the pressure off. So good. Yesterday I went to the hot springs again and sat in the hot springs and then went in the river and then sat in the hot springs and when the river that hot and cold therapy is as wonderful especially when it can be between a hot spring and natural hot spring and and a river much better than just changing the temperature in the shower. So I feel so lucky to be and one of the most beautiful places on earth. So it is possible it is possible for people with labels with diagnoses with these people, these professionals giving limitations and saying how life is going to be or how life might be. Or even now saying oh it could be pretty good. Well it can be really awesome. And right now my life is going between really awesome and really awesome place but not feeling super awesome in my body. But I at least feel hopeful that one day the two will match up that my body will feel good and the place I'm at will feel good as well. Maybe my body can feel even better than the place I'm at and pass that on and share that energy like it was when I was first in map consciousness might be time to dunk my head It's just me in the bugs. I was watching a video by Steve pavlina. He's doing a 30 day video series. Yesterday was 10 months of this video series. But I'm thinking of changing the anniversary date from June 20 have that as sort of like a kind of anniversary date. But when I looked, I really started making videos consistently when it was September 11. So I think that's more of like the consistent video day anniversary. And June 20th is sort of when I was doing a couple days here and there and doing numerous videos a day, but only on like four or five occasions within that first three months. So I'm gonna think of it as two different anniversary dates really. So June 20, will be a bit of a milestone and then September 11. So if you have a label, you too can be sitting in a river pool in paradise. And even if I'm here, and one day, I'm not thriving like this, that's okay, too. But at least to attempt to thrive is important to me. And I was thinking about how I needed safety and then self care and then attempting to thrive. So creating those safety plans and those safety gestures and safety devices and safety items that are a cue to me that I'm safe and that I'll be able to keep myself safe no matter what happens, say for myself, say from a psych ward say from psychiatry, even though I still use medications. I do so at my own discretion, not at somebody pumping them into me without my consent. And even against my consent, which I'm not okay with I'd rather risk the other things then. And work harder at keeping myself safe and allowing others to pretend to keep me safe. But really a lot of it is like torture. And they mean well and that makes it scary because they mean well and it's not okay. So I'm thinking of putting appear life coaching part on my blog, just to see what happens, see if people reach out and want to have a conversation just to do something. I've often thought that we as peers need some life coaches and people to help us get in touch with our potential not just get by, and not just drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves more. No one we can take less drugs and I know like it's just so limiting and lame. And I think by focusing on Some of these other aspects, then it'll make life meaningful to the point where it's easier to manage those parts that do still need to be managed for now, until we can kind of shake off the chains. Maybe not all of us can shake off the chains, but the more of us that can, the more it shows it's possible, the more other people will attempt to thrive and shake off those shackles, this chemical prison. The water fleas are kind of cute. They're like bouncing around and chasing each other. So if anything, I want to help people bring out their potential. And I don't know if I do. The video by Steve pavlina was talking about when thinking about your purpose, think about the social aspect of it, who do you want to be in contact with. And I really love being friends with my peers. But I don't know if I actually want to work with them. In terms of charging money. I don't know if you saw the water fleas getting it on. Cancer I've ever seen that before. So the thing is kind of to test it out if I like working with people and just asking for gifts and kinds or something like that. And I also want to start the pure potential project, I think, as a social enterprise, to bring out potential so working with people and working together with people, and I really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like something's got to get started. While I don't really feel like something's got to get started, but I'm feeling slightly inspired. Maybe it's that extra energy. Maybe it's coming off just a tiny bit of medications. I don't know. And I did make some notes and I'll talk about them when I'm not by this waterfall. As beautiful as it is. So yeah, maybe I could start talking more positive to actual people I've just been talking to myself but you could say anything's possible. Share your visions, we can live our dreams. Maybe don't share them with your clinician and your psychiatrist but share them with your peers and people who have the ears to listen. Oh and there are some dragon flies. I don't know if you can see but one has its but on the other ones head. Talk about head butting. So these videos are for myself and if anyone sees them to maybe be slightly inspired to make meaning and context for oneself again and and restore one's care for oneself. paradise. Map consciousness is dialogue and dialogue is unfolding meaning and we unfold meaning in that state, our brains are connecting with dialogue and wanting to share meaning with each other instead of be divided from each other based on ideals and beliefs. These altered brain states are part of the solution to the problem and it's made into a problem. The problem is lack of meaning and the brain goes into a meaning making state due to the lack of meaning or having one's meaning shattered. So I'm out of the pool now and ready to run back. Apparently, I have to watch out for rattlesnakes. pretty rare, but possible. There's a lot of Bidi bugs in here to see those things bite. Since I have some energy, I'm going to try to get outside more and just get in the habit of going for a quick walk or hike. Because I want that to translate when I do finally go back home. I want to be habituated to the outdoors and then not just stay inside, make an effort to go out and find somewhere beautiful to walk or hike. And also not be afraid because nature can be scary. But the more I spend time in it, the more I will not be afraid. can feel the bugs biting me everywhere. They're not very nice. The birth sounds so magical. Get off me. Well, I guess I should go. Let's run down the hill together.
So I haven't talked to myself in a few days. And the last time I did, I was on a trail and in some nice pools and saying, live your dreams and all that fancy stuff. And the next day, I think it was, I slept 13 hours that night. And then when I woke up at like, 1115 I had something to eat. And then I was so tired, I went back to bed. And I slept for like three hours. And then I stayed in bed all day, I just didn't even feel like getting up. And since I felt so bad, I took 1/8 less of all my meds. And then the next day I woke up and I again slept like 12 hours, and then went back to bed and had a nap for like three hours. And then I just didn't get out of bed. And both days, I only ate breakfast. So I'm feeling less bloated. But I'm feeling still a little bit tired, but not really it's a weird feeling. And I feel really clear yet not really energetic and social or happy. I feel kind of like blah. So it seems like this will be a bit of a roller coaster ride. I've been on the Hardy nutritionals for a month now. And I'm guessing it's a bit of a rocky road. If I think about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling super drugged. I'm not feeling worse than that I'm just feeling different. And then yesterday before I fell asleep, when I was in bed around six o'clock, I noticed that I was starting to have sciatica, like pain. And it woke me up a couple times through the night and it made it hard to fall asleep because I couldn't get comfortable, there was no way that I could lay that would make this pain go away. And it's still with me today. And laying down doesn't help sitting isn't help standing might help a little bit. So I went for a walk even though I'm feeling a bit tired. And I'm just sitting here and sitting and it's not very comfortable to sit and the bugs here I got like so many bug bites I was so itchy my hands, my arms, my face. I think I just got another one there. And they put me on my face there and here and so he and in terms of self dialog, I again got disconnected with the process. And I don't think that's good. I was gonna do some yesterday when I was feeling crappy just to show how crappy I was feeling and see if it would have some kind of transformative effect, but I just didn't even get to it. Yeah, I would start talking about stuff now but I just am in a lot of pain. I found a nice big tree to sit in. This feels more comfortable actually. still hurts a bit but something about this tree. I don't even know where to begin with self dialog. Maybe sitting in a tree heals all maybe I'll just read something I wrote who knows why and just get it going. Perception fishes for new memes Meaning. Perception is meaning sees something understands a process. And the meme unfolds and can be spoken languages and folded in our brains, like a flower. Perception is a flower. Just like how our memes of memories are folded in our emotions. talks about that before. When we emote, this unfolds the old story. This was an efficient way to store stories and instructions on what to do if we have a certain emotion, because we perceive something, a certain story, something that we make salient with that emotion, which is slightly different between people, then it also tells us what to do. So in the past, maybe this was handy. If we felt fear, and we saw a certain pattern, we'd have a certain response. And this was efficient to know what to do quickly. And I feel like right now we're homo, a modus, free emotions, and we could be hormone receptors. So that's an important one, because it's seeing a pattern of how something is in nature and then the perception of that holistically unfolds the language of speaking that. So we can give voice to it. And we we sort of hear it as a subtle impression on the inside. And I wrote down matter is not solid, it responds to consciousness. How do we approach matter? So, Dr. David Bohm said something about how nature will respond to us, depending on how we approach it, so matter will respond to us depending on how we approach it as well. And we approach it as if it's solid. And can we approach it as consciousness as opposed to ego thing? selves? And I feel like the level of consciousness is part of what determines how matter will respond to us. And can we paint and mold the universe with consciousness? I think that's actually one of the benefits of self dialogue is that it raises one's level of consciousness, one's vibration. Because one is speaking from a different voice, in a way. So it seems like map consciousness is learning how to paint the universe with consciousness. and paint the universe with us and through us. But usually, it goes too far makes a mess. And we ended up just bladder painting. I feel like there's a certain level of trying to figure things out. In life in science, when it could be more a matter of figuring in learning how to create learning how to figure into it. What we need is sound screen, which is the light of awareness. The light of awareness is faster than sound. So again, in a way, stop the sound. And I was thinking about how instead of using I am, we could use today am now Here am I just skip the eye and stop speaking in terms of this center, that's not there. So setting A tree definitely helps the pain is not as much. Who woulda thunk
I woke up a bit early, I set my alarm an hour early without really realizing it. I'm having my hearty nutritionals I've been on it for over a month now. And I'm feeling less drugged. But I'm not quite feeling any level of happiness which is okay for now could be just not being around the people I care about as well. To I'm seeing that's really important. So that definitely wasn't something that's included in the glide Park experiment. Having people around me that I care about my care about the people around me that I meet here, but it's not the same as knowing people for a lifetime or six years. I'm still itchy from bug bites. And I don't know if I talked about this sciatica pain I was having yesterday was so bad. I had to walk the whole day I couldn't sit down. Even at night, I was just pacing around walking because I couldn't really sit down and feel comfortable. I remember when I first went raw vegan about seven years ago, I just cold turkey Ravi and dead and My legs hurt for several days, my quads were burning. So it could be something to do with releasing toxins. Maybe some of the drugs are coming out of my nervous system. I had those two days of just laying down. It could have been from laying down. So now I'm on 450 milligrams lithium, three quarters of a three quarters of a 50 milligram, trazadone and 25 milligrams of Seroquel. So I do have to remember that this is my main goal right now is to see if I can come off these drugs. And this is a good environment for that. Though, again, it feels like I'm wasting some of the environment because I'm just not up to my usual self, my usual medicated stable self. So I hope that this doesn't destabilize me. And I was watching one of Steve Pavillion his videos on receiving criticism, and I got sort of it wasn't really a critical email. But it was kind of strange. And I don't know if I want to talk about it, because I don't want to talk about other people too much. But it's sort of threw me off. Like what the f. Maybe if I talk about insights, my brain will feel a little bit better. It was interesting that I was watching the Steve pavlina videos, and then I got that email. And then I watched a video of his on accepting criticism or something like that. And he had another one about creating value. And I got my first donation on my website, even though it was a friend of a friend. So it's kind of cheating. But it was still very nice. And I was thinking of donating to that person who emailed me just to be like, Thank you and goodbye. But I'm thinking to myself, why should I even do that? But anyways, maybe I'll talk about it later. And I wrote down thought is a gesture that becomes a trait at least historically. Now, it's a trait that we all have that we don't really question because initially it was just this movement of sound that gave some kind of pointer. But now what it's pointing to is all confused and it's pointing to the me which is an illusion. And I feel like intelligence and love our emergent properties of humanity, which is what we are behind the me. We're all the same We all have that same love. Right now we all have the same thinking going on. And it's from a pool of thinking, and it's not really personal yet we take it personally. So the trouble is more so taking it personally and making a meal out of it, then thought itself, the movement of intelligence and love will use that when necessary. And to me, words are how symbols of the mind come out of the brain and become relational. And we're relating based on these symbols and words. When love isn't a word, it would create different gestures and movements and traits, which could only happen if there was no movement happening and thought, just a little fly on me. Wonder if he sees me. Wonder what I look like to him? I think that moment was a moment of love and intelligence. Just really being with nature. And Dr. Daniel Siegel back to him. talks about brain electrochemical energy flow, energy flow with symbolic value. So we have this flow going on this electrochemical flow and it's producing symbols of symbolic value. Now what if we were to perceive in the light coming in, actually changes the electrochemical flow and changes the value of those symbols makes them less valuable because we can actually perceive in the moment. And he said electrochemical flow has information of symbols. And to me this sounds a little bit like what I was talking about with how the molecules of emotion, those chemicals actually carry with them the holographic information about what it is that caused us to react to that pattern. So in a way, it contains the interference pattern of everything that could trigger that emotion, and that emotion wants to be triggered. So it's going to actually have many degrees of variability to what can be triggered by that. And the light of insight actually changes that whole electrochemical process. Because if we saw things now, if we perceived now we wouldn't emote so much. And those emotions and making those peptides and neuropeptides. And enzymes are wasting our energy, protecting the grand holographic image that we have of ourselves. So I was like, we have this big holographic image and all the emotions are in different places on it. representing different parts of the patterns of what we can be triggered by I feel map consciousness is emerging to the level of love to be an action of love by the universe. An agent of the movement of love. I've had the sensation a few times. When I wake up in the psych ward, it's like when I opened my eyes, everything materializes around me it doesn't feel like it was there. It feels like it comes out of nothingness. That's happened in the psych ward a couple times. And when I'm in that state, I know who's coming in the door. It's really strange. Maybe that's related to how some people say the universe is in me. And in that way, it could be that matter is an emergent property of the mind of consciousness. It's almost like a death of the me into consciousness into nothingness. Thought as me dies into consciousness. Dr. Daniel Siegel said emergent properties are mathematically ascertained aspects of reality. If this love and this intelligence is an emergent property of reality, how does one measure that? I don't think one can. I feel like one can be the measure of that, by their state in daily life, like communing with nature, or with the flies. And he said, the movement of clouds cannot be explained by a single hydrogen and oxygen atom, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And I think this movement of love and intelligence, it's nothing to do with one single person has to do with everything moving together. So I wonder if there's something that grows connection to this love and intelligence. I narrowed down that matters, how the mind animates itself, or how consciousness animates itself. And it's something that helps us navigate consciousness. But it's not the only thing. It seems like it's not good enough anymore because the world is at risk. So this other movement comes in and moves matter in ways that seem implausible and not according to the laws of physics, but only some people see it. But in a way, the laws of physics are structured, to kind of keep us comfortable. We can understand how things work somewhat predictably and not live in fear. When they start working in different ways, we start to get kind of scared, like in dreams. But that can happen, in actuality for some people. So I don't really think they're that fixed. And that's something that might happen in math consciousness is one can't rely on the laws of physics. It's perhaps that one relies on the laws of love. So then things don't necessarily take time things don't necessarily move at this slow linear speed that we're used to. If somebody was living in the laws of love, maybe they would meet somebody that is the perfect person to collaborate with them on something. And it seems like thought feeds on itself and has some kind of momentum. I feel like love feeds. doesn't feed on but I'm not sure. And I think it was Dr. Daniel Siegel. That said relation relationships are the sharing of energy and information flow. So we'll see how today goes
I'm sitting here feeling like I got my ass kicked by the universe of the sciatica pain down the backs of my legs. And it's hard to get comfortable. Today sitting is kind of okay yesterday, I couldn't even sit. I spent the whole day in motion walking. And now I kind of have cramps in my calves. So I'm hoping this strange pain will be gone soon. I made a video this morning, and I really can't even remember if I talked about it. My memory sucks. And my motivation isn't good, partly because I'm in such pain. And I have bug bites on my ankles. And so they're swollen. And it's yellow over. So this is kind of a lesson in when you picture this beautiful scenario that you're going to. There's always something and not saying is regrettable, right? Anything, but it's just still. It has its own challenges. And I just want to lay down and rest. But I can't. I don't know if it's because I rested too long. And now I have this pain when I lay down, it intensifies. And I'm definitely feeling less happy unless social. And last week, I actually had a surge of feeling happiness and socialists. And I don't know if it's because I'm again in that overmedicated spot. But I did do a 75 milligram reduction of lithium and an eight reduction of trazadone on Saturday. So that would be Saturday night, Sunday night. So only two nights ago. So I don't think really Now is the time to do another one. But hopefully I will speak to them on Thursday. And find out if this leg pain thing is anything they've heard about. I almost feel like the drugs are leaving my nerves. And I think I said that already. But I don't even remember. So I'm wondering if doing a little bit more self dialogue is something to at least keep my brain engaged. I wrote down How does one stay elevated. And to use the word elevated and levitated instead of leap. leaping is not a good word to use in the whole so called mania and psychosis context. And I was wondering if a device could be created to mitigate people's voices. There's something called polyphonic sound. And it's really interesting, if you look it up and find sound Globes, and listen with stereo headphones, it actually sounds like a person is behind you in a certain place, by law in your head. So it's not just stereo, it's actually polyphonic. And it uses how the brain works to process sound. So in that way, one could almost use that to create positive voices or almost neutralize the voice that one has, if somebody like I hear a voice coming from here, and it says this, maybe there could be something created, or one has something that sort of neutralizes that or mitigates it or has some kind of balancing effect. I don't know if it's possible, but I just thought it was interesting. Because I saw this invention for these noise cancelling earplugs that you put them in your ears, and then it gets rid of all the sound coming in because it can actually like cancel it out. Well, apparently our ears actually emit sound just a little bit. So maybe there could be something that we're hearing that it's the sound emitting and the volumes turned up and somehow that could be medicated. I don't know how it all works, but it's just something I thought of. So good voices. And I also wonder if this sound that we have MIT from our ears, this has something to do with intuition. Or if it's the subtle sound that we can hear in insight, I really don't know. Just wondering. And I wonder if some of these messages will mitigate and balance some of the not so good messages out there about people's brains. Maybe it'll amplify these memes and amplify this consciousness. I was wondering if a different term for mental illness could be mental newness, because a lot of times it's something new. So it's scary. And even if it is something old, it's presented in a new way, or it doesn't seem like it's under our control. And in a way, all mental is mental illusions, their programs and abstractions? Can we illuminate this instead of illusions? Can we illuminate with that impersonal light of consciousness? And I found something written by J. Krishnamurti, that sounds a little bit like epigesturetics. He says, then the question arises, whether you can live in daily life without any control. Without any comparison, which does not mean you do what you like, but actually to live without a single direction, which is without control. This demands a skill in action, which is an art to be learned. And, in the very learning of it, is its own discipline. You don't impose a discipline upon it. The very observation of how to live without control itself, brings its own order. Do it and you will see how extraordinarily simple it is. That's from the 2016 Krishna Murty, bulletin number 90, page nine. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is initiating is for us to learn how to live without control, which is thought coming in to direct the energy of our life. And that's just pure life energy. And we have to be very quick and perceptive to act correctly. And usually, we mess it up. And then we end up hospitalized, but there could be a way to learn this art of action of so yeah, I'm not sure what I was saying I was distracted by a very loud when nice. That was probably an aircraft. Can we learn to act in accordance with the universe with the cosmos, which takes learning and practice in daily life, which is sort of like harvest practice and body. And some of us already gestured our way to the top. But then we fell out of it. So in a way, maybe we don't have the strength in some of the higher gestures really embedded into our neurology to be able to stay there. But we have the blueprint in a way, so we can be more aware of what is correct and what's not correct. I think part of it is that we see a lot of things in daily life that aren't correct, and not not good. And then we sort of take it on ourselves. And then we react. And we don't know what to do with all that's going on in the world. And part of that would be maybe almost having like an epigesturetics support group to start to learn these gestures, and relearn the gestures that the universe wanted us to gesture. And be in alignment with that and get feedback from the universe. So we're actually getting real feedback from the universe when we're in alignment with that. I think I started going downhill a little bit when I was writing and writing and writing and not able to keep up. And then I just sort of gave up on the process. Maybe I can't give up on this process because in a way, it's my job. It's a job without direction. It's a job without motive. It's a job. Without reward and punishment, it's just talking to myself and seeing what happens. And Krishnamurti also says, be a light to yourself, don't accept other people's inner authority or spiritual authority, find out for yourself. And it seems to me that perception is under the influence of thought. thought could be more intoxicating and sedating than any kind of alcohol or drug. It directs what to make salient. And I think a lot of times, in so called mania, we say what's real, and people don't really want to go there. Because they don't know how to go there either. We none of us really know what to do. And I really don't know what to do anymore. I've want to build a rest bed, I want to do this and that, and I don't even know and I can't even remember. So how am I going to do stuff when I can't remember jack squat? And I was thinking about how our homes make us individuals. If we didn't own stuff, how would we organize ourselves as human beings? I feel like sometimes homeless people might attempt to live this way. Not owning stuff. But it's to the detriment of the safety of their physical bodies. So how do we get there embodied? And how do we get there, sheltered with food and clothing? for everybody. And I think I talked about how it seems that things I say, are met with skepticism. I feel like I was speaking from a level of beauty and perception. I don't know for sure. But it was definitely met with strong comments or reactions. One person saying that's not true. And I just was just saying something like, very casually, and I was like, Whoa, and, and other things like that. And in a way, it feels like this flower, kind of shriveled up, sort of it was like, there's a flower with perfume. And Krishna Murthy uses that analogy. And then people just start coming, ripping the petals off of it. And, and so it's just not the same. I just feel a little bit de energized. But it could also be conserving energy and waiting for another situation to release it. It's almost like that other dimension tries to speak through someone. And then when it's met with a certain approach of somewhat anger and things, it's kind of shuffles back, and and then one is left with sort of this ego that's kind of blank, like the, and I feel like that's what happens in map consciousness where like, he Yay, like, everything's beautiful look at the universe and be like, No, it's not. No, it's not No, it's not. And at first, it's okay, but then after a certain period of time, it's de energizing. And I really don't know if that's true, but it's just interesting to me that that voice isn't always there. And I can see how someone might have that voice beaten down and, and also, when that happens, and that voice is trying to come in. And the ego is also kind of getting a bit messed up in the process. Because it has to in order for that other voice to come in, when can be left kind of this shell that could easily be interpreted as mentally ill or kind of dull or because when you don't have that ego voice so strong and and that other voice isn't listened to. Then what is there And people can't listen I don't think with the operating system of thought. And I wrote down a question Why is the me What's happening? So I will keep myself posted on this pain, these bytes and all that kind of stuff that's kind of beautiful.
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I found a somewhat quiet spot. And I'm earthing. And I was thinking about how talking so much about all of this related to mental health is really to learn about it, just to be free of it, not to keep talking about it forever, to be free of it and be that other kind of human being that I've experienced myself to be. And that really requires looking without condemnation, but really wondering, to figure out how it all works. And in order to learn about it, if one calls it good or bad, it prevents learning. And I was thinking about how it's important to be free of fear, because it's the fear that drives us to seek help from the mental health system. And to me, that exacerbates things more than necessary. And it could take a good amount of practice and wondering and tweaking to find a way to make it so one can avoid the mental health system. So I wanted to take a second and read a quote by Krishna merde. I feel like what he points to, has something to do with mob consciousness. And I'm not saying it's totally equivalent, but he says, I think man has come to a point where he feels that one must have a new mind, a new quality of mind. I mean by mind, the activities of the brain consciousness, sensory perception and intelligence. Is it possible before man destroys themselves completely, to bring about a new mind? Is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different category, or dimension of the mind. And to me, I feel like math consciousness is consciousnesses attempt to bring about this new dimension and category in the mind. And it's not really working so easily as people at the level of thought, consciousness, transform it into something else. Sort of capture those minds and convert that process back into a process dominated by thought and thinking about oneself and one's own problems, and making it into a me mental illness. So maybe it's already happening. It's just a matter of people supporting people to journey through it. Maybe nothing else needs to be done except for that. Just having more compassion while people go through this process without dragging them back into believing that they have a mental illness. And he says also, when you put away something false, the mind becomes lighter. And the mean is false. And when we put that away, we become lighter, we become more energetic. And he describes something interesting, he says, discard everything that is false, which is everything that thought has put together. Then the mind has no illusion. And he talks about reading the book of oneself. And he says, I began with the first chapter which says, Be aware of your senses. And the next chapter says, human beings have their partial senses, exaggerating one sense and denying the others. The third chapter says, See all the senses can operate. That means there is no center of a particular sensory operation, and the fourth chapter, and so on and so on. I'm not going to read the book for you read it and explore it so much with what he points to is talking about map consciousness and I feel like he had a transformation experience he definitely did. But luckily, he was held and kept safe by so many people who didn't think that anything that was happening was wrong. Plus, it was 100 years ago now, so there wasn't really that paradigm so much. So I'm starting to read more Krishna Murty stuff again, instead of focusing on mental health, and I have done a lot of writing, but I feel not so compelled to go to it. It's like that process could go on forever. And I don't know if I want to keep fueling that. Just because it can go on forever doesn't mean that I should feel like to go on forever. And I could change my mind and get right back into it very soon. But for now, I'm not sure how much of my notes I'll go over. I remember reading through some of it just to see if there was anything I really wanted to say. And I wrote down that thought in a way is yesterday sound at sound of yesterday. And something I realized today was that I was watching a talk by Krishna Murthy. And he was talking about how we live very mechanically in the thought, programs basically. And I feel like these thought programs are in our brain. And they're soundscapes in there yester sound. And I feel like the sound is actually blocking the energy of our heart. So our heart is love. And we all have a heartbeat, we all have that love. But it's being blocked by this cage of yester sound. And I feel like when that breaks open, it's just living according to love and not this mechanical thought programs. And so I wonder if I can live according to love, and I was seeing a lot more beauty lately, but that seems to have decreased somewhat, I'm not sure why I think it could be because I've been taking this Seroquel for longer than I've wanted to mainly to get myself to ecpr which is in a couple days. So after that, I will stop taking the circle. I'm kind of tired of needing to drag myself to stay in this sort of limited form. And today, I met somebody who wrote a book on her journal of being a psych nurse. And it had several stories about her connecting with patients on the psych unit that she worked on. And I read the whole thing in one sitting. And then I told her and she's like, wow, that was quick. And I said, well, it's my genre. And it's interesting, because I'm pretty sure in a video yesterday or the day before I said to myself that I feel like I want to do something just to put myself in that mode of mental health. And then it just came up in conversation that she wrote this book, and she happened to have a copy. And she gave it to me to read and I read it and it was quite touching is very much exactly in alignment with ecpr. So I feel like it could be a synchronicity in a way. And I told her that I have a label and she was surprised that I wear the bracelet with my label on it and I explained why. Even though I was almost thinking well, it would be good to not have that immediately as how I would be helped, possibly but whatever. And these last couple days I've had a bit of doubt on the self dialogue process in general. Not the process but possibly about sharing Or I feel it's important to always be dropping the meanings that I make. So I make all these meanings to have a different context. But it's important not to cling on to any of them. The greatest moment of the day was saving a little beetle from a spiderweb, I saw him walking in circles because his leg was attached to a spiderweb. This little guy stuck on spider web. And I saved him with a stick. And I don't know how many people take the trouble of saving insects, but his little life will live on as it's meant to. Speaking of which, that's really good timing, there's a fly on my head. And I can't remember if yesterday I talked about how a blue bird nearly landed on my hand, I would hold it out like this. And he might have thought there was food, but he attempted to land twice, and there was no food. So that could have been why he didn't land. But I'm going to try and see if one day he'll land just for the sake of love, not for the sake of food. Because I haven't fed this bird because it's not the greatest to feed wild birds. And I haven't yet attached my grasshopper takeoff video or my feet relaxing video. So yeah, I feel like something shifted these last few days. And it could be taking this Eric Well, it could be taking the Hardy nutritionals or both. And I feel a bit more calm. In terms of doing the self dialogue, I just want to really enjoy being in California. And I don't want to be doing two hours of self dialog day. So maybe I'll keep it more to a journal of what's happening in terms of this hardy nutritionals process. And seeing if I can be off the Seroquel in California, seeing how long I'll be able to stay in California. I am hoping mid July at least. And maybe mid August, but we'll see how it goes. Because I may just have to go home and and come off these medications and up the Hardy nutritionals or something. I'm not gonna stay down here and take circle every day. I feel like my job is partly to stay sane in an insane world. And I was watching a video by Simon Sinek and I didn't wash the whole thing because he started talking again about navy seals, like he likes to do and I just don't think promoting killing is my thing. So using that as an example of high performance is, I don't know just a little bit it shouldn't be Just so yeah, anyway. But he did say that a tip for something along moving towards your spark or something is, as long as what you're doing isn't getting in the way of what other people want. Are you getting what you want getting in the way with what other people want. So this self dialog is good because this doesn't prevent anyone from getting help from psychiatry, if that's what they want. It's just creating other contexts to help myself, avoid psychiatry, get through it when I do have to access that, hopefully transcend psychiatry, and and also, maybe one day move this whole process into a realm that isn't a medical problem. Right now it's turned into a medical problem, anything can be turned into a medical problem. But yeah, part of this shift, I think, is something to do with just remaining kind of quiet and seeing what other layers just need to fall away. And this is a good place to do it, just because I'm in California somewhere quiet. It's just going into this sort of healing mode, I think. Maybe healing some of the stuff that has more, has more of an opportunity to heal in this quiet, beautiful place, instead of just self dialogue, self dialogue, writing down insights all the time. Because the thing with that process is when I decided to go back into it, it will definitely just reignite. That's not something that one loses. So knowing that I can kind of turn off that faculty and and just be for a while. Like today I was sitting outside and I was very content with just listening to the flies buzzing around, land on leaves and play Chase. And as two of them would fly by me about four inches apart. I swear I could hear where the producers of Star Wars got their inspiration for all their aircraft flying through space in those fighting scenes like war. And today, I saw a lizard that just the way the sun was hitting the side of his abdomen. There was a rainbow on his skin, and it must have just been the perfect angle for me to see that and it's probably like that on all of them all the time. But he was really absorbing all the colors of the light, not just the heat of the sun. And I took a video of a lizard that I put my toe near and he wouldn't move. I was kind of cool. That infinity of nature is always there to connect with it any moment. And I heard somebody talking about accents. And then sometimes words, like my brain have a hint of something regarding my consciousness, but I was thinking of mania as a sort of accent of a different language. Just like there can be many different kinds of English accents. One could be accented with mania, and speak in a little bit different way, like some people say that gay people speak in a way that is gay. And that's sort of a stereotype that may or may not be true. And people may or may not want to ascribe to but there could be, at some point, just a manic accent. In that if we're able to prune the process and remain somewhat functional, we might just have an accent of mania instead of this thing that psychiatry would like to call a mood disorder. I think we're moody because we're reacting to society. And we're calling it out to the detriment of ourselves. So in my consciousness, the me isn't doing well, but the mind is just fine. What other layers of this me can fall away, because I'm in a safe place where I don't really need those defenses right now. I'm not working in mental health, I'm not needing to get all up in arms about stuff. So can I release that and practice abiding in this other state, and bring that back when I go back home versus being so charged by things? And I really don't know. But I have been sitting quietly and meditating many nights, and I don't think it's necessary, per se, but I could, in a way help to calm my nervous system. And I did call this sort of glad Park thing in a way. So this would be an ideal scenario. And that in that ideal environment, permeate my biology and my nervous system and and see what happens, if there can be some healing there. And that might show more than talking about stuff in circles, to be able to abide in that calmness and take that back. So I will talk about a few things. But I'm seeing now as I'm talking about it, the value of perhaps just calming down with it all. Maybe that calmness will help to ground some of that manic energy if it comes when I eventually journey off these medications. And it's the gesture of the mind to reach out and touch us. And I really feel like it's breaking up these mechanized thought structures, and we're actually learning how to be human beings without these mechanical actions. And I wonder how to really bring in the love and the compassion and to have that animate and to be really grounded in that and not reactive even when it comes to mental health stuff. Like, can I bring acpr back home without even needing it? Can I use this time to heal. And there's another thing that Krishnamurti said in a video that really struck me with what I've been talking about with language and stuff was the observer creates the linguistic difference between the observer and the thing observed. And he talks a lot about being with fear and facing fear. And I think that by taking Seroquel, I definitely don't face the fear. And I'm not with the fear, I Medicaid it away. And he also talks about authority. And I feel like when I go to the psych ward, it's like, using that authority to save me because I can't face the fear. And I really don't know, I haven't gotten into that. But the fear will need to be faced. And maybe it's not fear at all. Maybe it's just this strong physiological reaction that I interpret as fear so I don't allow it to run its course. And Krishnamurti talks about a non mechanical way of living. And he says, the way we live now is very mechanical. And I know from the felt sense of mob consciousness, that it's definitely not a mechanical state is breaking out of that mechanized way of being and being totally fluid and flowing with the moment. And I just wonder why that can't be maintained. Why can't that effortlessness be maintained? And then when we go back down to the level of mechanization, it feels so difficult. It feels like so much more effort, and that effortlessness requires sensitivity and intelligence. But the trouble is, there's too much noise in this world to live that way and be that sensitive.
So this is my rental car. So I'm getting packed up for my trip to LA. It looks like I am going to make it to ecpr. I'm going to leave tomorrow morning at 6am. But this is some of the stuff on packing and some of the stuff I carry with me always down here. I always carry my phone charger, because I'm making videos or editing them or so many different things on the phone. So I don't like to run out of charge. And sometimes, depending on what I'm doing on my phone, it can run out pretty quick. And I always have my headphones and an extra charge for my phone separate. And I love my little macro lens. It's super awesome. And I like to capture small little things being cool. And I'm always carrying with me my zap straps, I have to because I can strap one roll my wrist and one around an object and tie them together and be quite secure. Or I can use just one and tie it around my wrist. And then there's just enough Seroquel to knock me out cold as well as to trazadone as well. If I ever get in the position where I just want to knock myself out and and lay there. It's total emergency never had to use it. But I find it helps me feel safe. And this is like a little towel a little travel pal. I always forget to use it. I haven't ever put myself in the habit of using it. If there's oranges around my wad an orange peeler, a little mini knife. I used to eat avocado, so I'd open it with a knife and then eat it with this mini spoon. But I don't think I'll bring these or this. But I do have in my bag. He may or may not want your own little plastic fish. I will have a bathtub at the hotel. So I might want to bring this probably not. I'll put it in the to go pile. And my love was probably well, maybe I will bring this. And I always have chapstick with me. So these are always with me. And my rental car keys probably only need to bring one and a water bottle. Somebody gave this to me. So one thing I didn't bring with me to California and I hadn't bought one yet. And then somebody gave one to me and it's for hot and cold. So that's awesome synchronicity. And I always carry a hankie cuz I have a runny nose, so bad. So I use this when I can. And so like chapstick and hanky are like the most important things in the whole thing, and then probably the charger. And then probably the lens. Well, this is always going to be with me since I've had a bit of struggle. And last night, I did okay on the half circle and one trazadone as well as lithium. And I will do that when I'm in LA as well and have my passport in case I need it. And my wallet with some money and credit cards and ID and stuff. And then this is my hardy nutritionals for the time, I'll be away for three times a day. And this is the book that I read that I told you about. It makes me a little bit inspired to write a book and just create a little something of information about what it's like to stay in a psych ward or something like that. And earplugs I wear those every night. And this is really important. Super important squeaky fart buddy. Probably won't bring that to the workshop though. But it might help if I was supporting somebody and they're talking their distress, I would just go there we go. That's the motion. I won this prize. Very awesome. So anyway, and have some snacks. You know, have some coffee. annex and close my, my medication which I'll probably just take enough, I'm not going to take all that and my new notebook. So I was listening to a talk. And I haven't listened to all of it but it was by Matthew Federici, and he was talking about some studies where people with the best outcomes that our patients are mindfully non adherent. And I love that term. And it definitely describes me and it's describes what I was trying to be when I was in the psych ward. Last year, I was trying to be mindfully non adherent. But unfortunately, that doesn't always work in the psych ward when a person is certified and has no say whatsoever, unless the doctor actually happens to listen, which didn't happen in my instance. And he said, it's the highest level of self advocacy. When somebody has a belief system, and they speak up about treatments they would or would not want. And it has actually been studied. So it's not something just made up. And I heard somebody before, say they read a study that people who were non compliant actually did better in the long term. which just shows we know best. And we know what's best for ourselves and what resonates and what doesn't. So yes, mindful non adherence. And I'm really hoping that ecpr helps with that sort of approach, and gives more space for mindful non adherence, because there's more other types of support. So one can further the range of one's mindful non adherence. So I'm going to bring this book tomorrow just maybe to show people or I'm not sure what will happen. But I'm spending the day looking at some stuff to just get back into that mode, somewhat. I stole my blue feather. And tonight, I'm going to go to a full moon meditation at this meditation place. And the full moon time tonight is exactly 9:09pm, where I am, and the ceremony or the meditation is from 730 to eat 30 or something. So wonderful get to be up there, while it's the actual full moon. And another part of the significance of this is that it's full moon in Aries. And probably because it's the Aries time of the year. And the thing for me is that I am an Aries. My birthday is in a week. So it's really cool to be able to go to this full moon, meditation, whether it's wishes of peace for the world. Whereas last year at this time, not only was I not in California, I was in carcere rated in a psych ward. So it's amazing to one year later be living my dream. not perfectly because I'm taking some Seroquel to get by right now. And probably taking it even more because I'm not at home with my network of support, but I'm here partly to heal and partly to move towards facilitating bringing more of a network of support to my hometown. ecpr is not yet in my country. And it would be amazing to be able to bring it so I'll be talking more about that I think because by this time tomorrow, probably have an idea about if I'm going to do that. And I probably will even if I'm not quite certain because who knows what we'll expand out of it. But it's pretty amazing. Because this time last year, I wasn't sure if I was going to turn 34. Part of that whole people who die at 33 like Kurt Cobain and other celebrities, even though I wasn't thinking of myself as a celebrity, I was just thinking, I really don't know if I'm going to make it to 34. I almost ran away from the hospital one of the days and who knows what would have happened to me if I would have done that, because they probably would have locked me up in isolation and things. But it was so terrifying to get through. Even when I decided not to run away, it was just the scariest 33 days of my life. And this time last year, that's what was happening. I spent my birthday in the psych ward. And previous days, I voted in the psych ward, done some weird things in the psych ward. And it seems like this year, I won't celebrate my birthday in the psych ward. And I'm not in this place where I'm thinking that I don't know if I'm going to live another day. Whether it's by my own hand, or it was just the most terrifying thing. If you've been through it, you know what I'm talking about. It's so scary, and it was made worse by the medication. And that's why I will never go back of my own volition. I will never go back there on my own two feet. And this is a blessing in disguise, because this will make me extra diligent. And it has made me extra diligent. Another thing I want to do with this car, and I'm not sure if I will, uh, depends on how I feel being away for a night in LA for ecpr. But I'm thinking about driving to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. And the reason is, because when I was first hospitalized and diagnosed when I was out of the hospital, I spent a lot of time just watching her videos, her world tour video, and then her live in Boston video. For some reason I was just completely untrained. And just watching her saying and also be silly with people on her tour. And everything just really helped me it was very grounding. And I don't know why Celine Dion, it just sort of was something that I found very calming. And because of that, I've wanted to go and see her in Vegas. And I tried to in 2014 I think it was, but she actually ended up canceling her show. But I went to Vegas anyway, but I didn't see her. And my sister is going to be kind of mad at me. But I'm not going to tell her because she would definitely be mad that I'm going without her. And I am too but the thing is that the way things are with my brain, I never know if I'm going to get back to the states again. I don't know if when I go back and I get back into advocacy and mental health somewhat if my brain might freak out and I might end up who knows, like I really don't know how much longer I'm going to live I could live another 50 years I could live another two days I really don't know. So knowing that I kind of want to go it's a five hour drive. And I really like driving more so than flying. So I'm wanting to go and we'll see how it goes if I do end up making the trip and I will tell her later and it just feels like somewhat of a completion in a way of going and seeing her and honoring that energy seeing her live and I don't really create that many goals per se but that was one that created just as one of those bucket list things but I don't want it to be a bucket list thing. I want it to be a an acknowledgement of of the The journey of making it from a place of sitting there hopeless, watching her and feeling somewhat calm to being able to go and see her live in Vegas. And another thing I'm realizing with this, putting less attention into the self dialog of insights is that it's moving towards that embodied thing I was talking about, but I sort of ignored in favor of continuing to just talk about abstractions is helpful context. But I could create that forever. And that might be to the detriment of my physical body. And I feel like I need to be strong, I need to be strong for the journey ahead, the next part of the journey in being embodied in such a way that it might help others to know if I end up coming off my medication, it might help others if I bring the CPR back home, and and I feel like in order to do that, I need to be physically and mentally strong. And I'm somewhat mentally strong and in navigating, if I do feel the stress for myself, but I don't know if I'm mentally strong to face some of the stuff that might be some of these unanticipated consequences of that which I feel this energy to do. developing some of that equanimity that Tom Wooten talks about, and, and having a physically strong body right now I feel out of shape and slightly overweight. And that's not really good for going back and trying to do what it is I want to do, to sort of feel my best in my body and be mentally and physically strong would be the most beneficial. So if someone told myself that, after my birthday, I'm going to put some more effort into eating healthy and, and getting into some form of shape. And perhaps I'll share more of that as opposed to this whole abstracting stuff, though, I do want to look through it and make sure I didn't miss anything really good. I've been looking at it and seeing that there's a lot of stuff that I see that I've already talked about, or it's just not that interesting, maybe it wasn't the time when I wrote it down. And that could be one thing is just writing stuff down and then taking pictures of the pages and sharing it on my blog. I think part of the reason to do that is that some of the stuff that I say sounds like it could be from somebody else, maybe I don't know, but just showing, showing the process a little bit showing that there's this other source of information that we connect to as people who are bipolar. And that's part of what this is to is just to show what it's like to have a bipolar brain, and maybe other people will resonate with it somewhat. And it might show ways to actually harness the process in a way so it doesn't get out of hand and and take on a life of its own and then take away from one's life. Because I've been in spaces where I write stuff down and I literally feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack that was years ago. So as a process and and that was part of the process was to share that there's something else happening and it's not just this meaningless mental illness and it's something that one can have a relationship with, one can have a relationship with this other information coming through. And this process to me shows that relationship somewhat. And shows that it doesn't really have to even mean anything. It's just like, in a way, one could See oneself as almost having this addiction to this other information that we're not making up ourselves. It's not really an addiction, but I'm just saying, there's this urge, there's this urgency, there's something there, there's this energy that drives us to write this stuff down. And we write it down, it doesn't even feel like our own yet, when we read it, we have this desire in a way to make some sense out of it. And maybe it doesn't really make any sense. Maybe part of it is just to have that relationship with it. So the energy doesn't make us feel like we want to explode in a way. If we can write and listen to ourselves, then maybe we don't feel so much like oh, I need somebody to listen to me, I need to change the world. Maybe it's just changing one's own world, but having some sort of relationship with this information, these insights, this other way of seeing these visions. And maybe the what to do with it will come about one day. Because I pretty much establish with myself that it's an unending unlimited process. And now instead of it taking me over and running my life, which it hasn't, for a long time, I can sort of tap into it and turn it on if I want, and then turn it off. Sort of like we can close our eyes, if we don't want to see is like turning that sense off. And I really do feel like it's this other dimension of the human mind. And even Krishnamurti said that in his quote, and to me, it's just incredible that he says those things yet. To me, it's so obvious that this other dimension of the mind is trying to boot up. But the trouble is, there's more people in the world that this is not happening to. And when they see this happening to people, they get scared. And they do something that messes up the process, instead of just remaining curious and open and unconditionally loving. And that's all stuff that's part of ecpr. So to me, ecpr could even be providing space. For those brains, who have this flowering of their brain happening, goes through the process and see what happens, nobody knows what happens, not even the people who are going through it. And we don't know what happens when we provide space for a lot of people to have this dimension of their brain open up instead of closing it off. And I don't think that has been done at all, because even with what is being done right now, that's considered good. And it has some value is still filtering and warping people's brains back into fitting into society as if society is the gold standard. And I don't think it is, I think there's a gold standard opening up in our brains that we have not even begun to scratch the surface of what it can do. And providing safety, psychological safety is one thing, but when I move into something beyond that, I really want to support people to really move into their magic move into their superhuman capabilities. Which we don't even know what that is. But we really have to provide the space and love for that to happen. The human brain really needs this space and love and non judgmental ness, or it's, I don't know what's gonna happen. Well, things are already happening, we're just not really making the connection and people want. Because the human brain only thinks about itself. It doesn't think about the human brain as a whole of humanity. And other entities that are conscious, and it's just, it's just a Gong Show, really. And in saying that I need to transform myself into my superhero, superhuman version of myself, which might not look very much different. And partly, one of the promises I made when I was still in the map conscious state the very first time I was so intense, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was in a coffin. I could hear people at my funeral. But I was laying there next to a friend, and I immediately just jumped up and I thought I said out loud, I stand up for my niece. And I sensed in myself that I need to be the best I can be for my nieces and other innocent young children who At this point, don't stand a chance in life, even if they get the best of what life has to offer. If I'm alive and something happens to somebody that I care about, I would not let this happen to them what's happened to me? I would not, I would know better. And so I feel like this whole thing is done, like this way of treating people is done. It's going to be made obsolete. So the real question has nothing to do with mental health. And Krishna Marie's quote, again, is, is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different dimension, or category of the mind. And I really feel like this is already happening. The mind the, the totality, Gaia, is putting people into these states to energetically animate us in this different way to bring about this other dimension. But unfortunately, it wears out and then the way it's received as a person is falling out of it prevents it from taking hold, because really what that needs, what that seed brain who's going through that transformation needs is unconditional love and space. And something else will happen then if someone's judged and labeled, obviously, it makes if somebody is judged and labeled by some kind of professional, what is their trajectory versus this other way? And it really is an act of faith by people who don't know what's happening for to be that supportive and trust that something good is going to happen. Can we go from labels to love
Some days with me the last rays of waves it's 844. And I don't know if I'll be up here until 909, when it's exactly full. I don't think I've ever been to a group meditation like this before. guy was talking about Christ and the Christ ification of many. And I feel like my consciousness is that it's calibrating us for that. Christ ification energy. And it's interesting how so many people who go into that state, often at some point, connect with a feeling of being Christ. And I think it's an advantage to have that calibration happen. Because if all of a sudden a massive amount of that energy does come in, and there is a Christ, suffocation of many, the people have already tasted it, or gonna understand it more. Blah, blah, blah. And he also talked about receiving a higher spiritual imprint, which to me sounds like the blueprint, a map consciousness. I feel like there could be a school of philosophy of map consciousness of people who actually experientially touch these realities that are pointed to so many different wisdom traditions. But when they come back from that they sound like crazy people. If that state that they're pointing to was just like the state we're in now. It wouldn't be anything different. So wouldn't be that which they're pointing to. When we're in that state, we're actually pointing to it. But it just appears kind of wonky. better move towards my car. So it's just hitting nine or nine now. So the full moon is officially full. Still, no, no, no. This is the full moon. So I'm ready to go to ecpr and La. I have an hour and a half drive at least, but I'm leaving extra time just in case. Let's see if the traffic is as bad as said to be. And I have my breakfast ready. I'm not going to drink any fluids because I don't want to have to pay. If I would have been doing better, I would have booked a hostel and stayed for a couple of nights. But since I'm not feeling the greatest, I'm only going for one night. I'm laying here in my weirdest hotel room ever in a kind of creepy area of LA. And I did the first day of ecpr today and I feel really good about the training information even though it might not seem like it because I'm really tired. I woke up super early to drive to LA which took about two and a half hours and then I was in training all day. And now I'm in my weird hotel room. This is what it looks like. And there's like the weirdest little kitchen thing that I think it's all mine. But it's so weird, I don't even want to go out there. Not sure if anyone else has access to this weird kitchen. And then there's a balcony, which I think is shared, and I don't want to go out there either. And I am supposed to go for dinner with the trainers, which I really want to do. It's a great opportunity to get to know them. Find out more about what they're doing. Look, it's my toes. And I'm going for dinner with the facilitators. So I feel like I need to study up a little bit. Get my mind in the right orientation. Like, what am I doing here again, what is my passion in this area. During the training, I had this idea to create my own class, but not really a class, but something about alternatives and options. And I created a document about that. Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. But it's about creating a safety first. And it's whatever works for the person. So for me, I have advanced directives, sabse, draps, servqual, things like that. And then also creating connection and, and then moving towards thriving, and have a bunch of stuff written down. But I was also thinking it'd be cool to set it up to helps have people co create that. And others have done that too. That's how rap was created. I'm pretty sure ecpr had an element of that in it too. And I don't know what the difference with what I'm envisioning is, but I think it's a little bit of having a person understand that they're really purposefully going to attempt to thrive. Attempt thriving, instead of just getting by. And it's great to have emotional CPR on the times of distress. And it's great to have wrap plans. I remember talking about creating a Wham plan, which is more about thriving. I don't really know what I'm talking about, because I'm tired, but and I think I do need to create some kind of social enterprise. With me being the first social enterprise person in the social enterprise. And they talked about learning through participation. Well, I need to continue learning through just continuing to create this stuff. And I feel like in my consciousness, we go from sharing gestures of mania, all that energy and all those gestures. And when the energy runs out, we actually need gestures of love and unconditional regard, in order to gain some of that energy back that we lost by sharing it all away. We try to share it and when people don't play back with us, then it's lost. And I wrote down that I'm not trying to do anything. We are meaning the collection of all of us as a narrow tribe, we're all trying to do something. But when we try to do it separately, it's not as powerful as if we were to get together and dial dialogue and play in order to see what it is that we're trying to create. And also awakening that dimension in the brain. So the Potential project came back to mind again. And I've been wanting to think of a word for positive triggers. And I realized that it could be energizers things that are energizing, because we're taught to be aware of our triggers. But I'm curious about energizers. And what spurs us into being in the energized state where we're sharing energy and connecting and reaching out and caring. So hopefully, dinner goes well, and I'll be able to share stuff. And who knows what will happen. I'm here with Dr. Daniel Fisher, who talked about psychosis as a monologue. And it's really cool to be heading in this direction. In my big, weird hotel room, this little ladder of mine, I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little ladder, man, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. That song popped in my head. So I figured I would just sing it. Songs pop in my head, sometimes, like they do for all of us. But often, there's nothing going on in my head. And then a faint song comes in. I have the sense that as this dialogue goes on, and a more embodied in actually creating something alongside with this process of self dialogue. Hopefully I'll smile more. Before I started working in peer support, two years ago, I worked at a medical office. And I was always smiling and laughing, and joking around, and being loving and caring, and I really was thriving. And then and then I got involved in mental health, working in mental health, and I lost that. But I think that's what I want back the most is that joy. And being able to laugh at myself, again, so much of the self dialogue I feel will come across as very serious. But if I was embodying my mania, I wouldn't be serious at all. And I also feel that before I can share any of that context that I created, I kind of have to live it. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of words. So I need to move towards embodying my mania and be firmly rooted in that before sharing this process of self dialog as something beneficial to help one embody one's mania. I did the harvest phase for sure. And now practice part of practices taking this class in LA, just going forward. And I have the car for another number of days after I go back to where I'm staying and I'm probably going to drive to Vegas now that's definitely something a manic would do. Drive to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. So that's definitely concrete action embodied. It's not just abstractions. So those would be things that show this embodying the mania. And I feel like as a person who goes into altered states I don't really have I don't really have a bucket list because my life is not really in entirely my own, I don't always have a say over what happens to me. And I don't know how much longer I get to live or how much longer I get to live the way I want to. So I feel like a bucket list almost implies you have this whole bucket of things you want to do. But I guess it's because it's the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And I don't know where that saying came from kick the bucket. But I feel like it could be something around attempting thriving list that doesn't have a good ring to it, though, could be called like a crazy days list. Something you would do if you're crazy, but also something you would do before you go crazy again, because you don't know if you'll get a chance to. So you better do it. Now, it's almost the opposite of a bucket list where one day we'll get to it, it's like we have to do it now. And that's something we feel in mania too is we have to do it right now. But can we still have that feeling yet not be manic. The point of all this, too, is embodying one's mania, and thriving, as one would win in the state of mania. Without the state of mania, which I've talked about before, it's important to practice these thriving gestures when we're not actually thriving, when we're sort of even not just spending the even time waiting for the next crisis to happen. or doing the things we would do if we're waiting for the next crisis time to happen. And not really taking advantage of those times where we're even. And we actually can do stuff. Because a lot of what rap talks about is wellness tools to make you feel better when you're not feeling good. All the sections except for one or based on when you're not doing well. And there's seven sections and one is about maintaining Daly. And then if you're not doing well, and you're doing worse and you're doing worse, well what about when you're not just maintaining, but when you're in this space where you can put some energy towards thriving. We don't even talk about thriving in this genre of living as a labeled person. And I think it's time for that to change. And I can't remember if I share it, I created this love to experience project have people come in and have fun experiences, who've been labeled and just have a chance to come in and have fun, like improv and stand up comedy and practice of play and a voice coach to connect to one's voice. So important, because we lose our voice we lose our communication. So that's why I'm determined to create this safety. So then, when one attempts to thrive and maybe comes down from that, because they've shared all their gestures and sort of run out of juice. It could almost be a juice list or maybe just an energy list. Things that one will do with one's energy when one has some energy and what one wants to put one's energy into and it's probably something that is going to give one energy I feel this is kind of mapping new territory to purposefully be manic without being manic and I don't think manic or mania is a bad word actually really liked those words. They're just energy people use them for different things. Like super sales will be called mania like price Oh mania or something. So it's usually positive connotations. And even manic I like to say, Man, I see man and the letter I in the letter C. Meaning man, I as n eyes and see seeing or see the speed of light. So there's a lot of good stuff in there. I will continue my report later from my weird hotel room. I'll be kind of happy when it's tomorrow. And I'm across the street and my car is parked outside the building and I'm no longer at this hotel and I don't have to sleep in this town again. I don't usually think that way but I don't love being alone in creepy hotels. So I made it through the night at my creepy hotel. I went for dinner with Dr. Fisher and Maria and had a good chat. And then I go back to the hotel and I talked to my friend on the phone for a while and then we got on to some cool stuff about ideas after talking about some of our challenges, which is cool, and I was laughing my butt off from what we thought we might try to create. So I'm here with my coffee waiting for day two vsepr don't have to go back to the hotel because I'll be driving back to my spot tonight. And I got a tip to try Benadryl for sleep. So I will pick some of that up and try that for tapering off the Seroquel basically just not taking the circle anymore only been taking half. So I reached my goal. I got myself to ecpr and who knows what's next statue over there. I think that could be the inspiration for avatar to ground. Pretty sure that's where they got the inspiration. And I got this little Dave's buttermilk bar from my hotel continental breakfast. So I'm gonna see what that's all about.
So I'm back from LA. And back in the peace and quiet. And the beauty. My hair is a bit messy because I was driving with the windows down. And Google Maps took me a different way, I guess, because it was a bit faster, and it was very beautiful. And it was just nice to see all the green in the hills and the trees and stuff that I couldn't really look at very closely because I was driving. And the CPR training was really good. And the group was great. I learned a lot about facilitating. And I learned a bit about the people who are involved in this movement to make ecpr more available. And for me experiencing that it just felt very natural, like, that's the way things should be. So in my mind, it wasn't this amazing thing, because it was just like, well, this is how it should be. Even though it is an amazing thing. It's hard to really say what I'm trying to describe. But after the training, I also felt kind of like I had less hope in a way because this ecpr training isn't cheap. And it's sort of beyond my control to get that kind of funding to start that sort of movement, at least is partly beyond my control. Whereas something like going out for a walk is within my control. So I started thinking about that. And I started thinking about how there's no answers, really. I keep searching for answers, and there are no answers. And even if this isn't answer, it's not something that I have complete control over. I can't just go back home and just be like, yeah, we're just going to run a group because it costs money. And I just feel like the recovery movement, even though it's new, it's already old. I want something like a rediscovery and recreation movement, rediscovering the energy when connected with rediscovering lost parts of oneself, recreating oneself daily. I just feel a sense of what can I really do? What do I really have the power to do. And so I feel like going through a few of my documents and just editing them and editing out everything that is outside of my direct power. Like if I want to get healthier, I can eat healthier food, that's something I can do. But if I want to have ecpr as a group at home, I don't have the direct power to do it. I thought I did. But they were saying it needs a sponsored agency and blah, blah and stuff that I don't have that position to offer. I'm still going to move towards seeing if I can help if I can do some presentations on a CPR and get people to hopefully pick it up. But I have to also make sure to focus on the things that I do have power to do a power to do self dialog. I power to go to Vegas, I have power to start eating healthier and getting some exercise because I really haven't been doing that. Simple things. I feel like for finding the dimensions that I want to work through me not necessarily work on but what do I want to work through me. And so part of it is thinking back to some of the stuff I talked about myself with which I don't remember if I tried to just think of it and summarize it. I don't think I could but perhaps things Come to me. I know laughter is important. And altruism, which I haven't really connected with fully at all. And I guess I feel like there's just not that many people in the world I connect with my friend who were going to share brains and get creative, I really connect with him. And I connect with my family, because they're my family. And other people, for sure. I guess I feel sad that many of us who have been labeled, are sort of medicated into mediocrity and medicated into a shorter lifespan. And, and I find it sad. I find it sad to hear people talking of such simple things and painful things. It's almost like keeping one's life so simple, because life has been so painful. And that's just really sad to me. And and I don't even want to wait for an ecpr movement for people to be thriving. I just I don't know, I don't even know what I'm trying to say or what I'm feeling. But I talked today with them about how I'm sort of walking a fine line staying down here in California, because I have to take this half a circle to sleep, and I've been taking it longer than I would ever want to just to get to ecpr. So tonight, I'm not going to take the half circle, and I'm gonna see if I sleep. I didn't stop and get the Benadryl and maybe I should have, but I'll take the circle if I can't sleep. But if I can good. I'm just tired of relying on these medications. And I talked about that. And I'm taking the Hardy nutritionals. I don't know if it'll work. So it's just I don't know, and I don't have a lot of energy. And I just don't feel the greatest. I was thinking that labeled Lives Matter people with labels and diagnoses that whether they're correct or not. And then the people trying to help and support them are burning out. And it's just, it's all messed up. And and when I watched that talk by Matthew Federici, he mentioned, too, that people can move beyond needing service and needing medication. And that people shouldn't be told that they're going to need this stuff for life. And he also mentioned something interesting. That reminds me of exactly what I'm doing with this process of self dialogue. He said, new dialogues emerge out of new eyes, different perspectives than the traditional perspective. And what I've been talking about is many different perspectives than the traditional perspective, as I've seen from my numerous perspectives, because part of what happens through meta consciousness is the ability to take perspectives and see from many different perspectives. And I think he said new dialogues and new insights, he either said that, or I just wrote it down and even say, crisis defined with a mental health label. So implying that it doesn't necessarily have to be defined in that way. And I really feel like people who are advocates yet still connected to the system. They know a lot more and they're just holding back. They're only saying so much because they know they can only say so much. And they say quite a bit beyond what the system would think. So they're providing valuable insight, but I still think they hold back So perhaps the more of us who have more contacts and more perspectives and more of a voice, a stronger voice, then people who are in the position of advocates can actually speak up even more, because there's more evidence. It's, it's the people speaking up, or the evidence, that's going to be the biggest evidence. So yeah, I've talked about a lot of different possibilities in these dialogues from the very beginning talking about creating respite, I'd love to create a respite where people that get labeled get to help homeless people, because people that get labeled often connect to altruism, and then that way they could help homeless people and then be altruistic, and then feel better about themselves and put their newly acquired sensation and orientation in their brain to use instead of just trying to bend it back to the old egoic way of being. And then when that starts to happen, it starts to get bent back, a person seems even more egoic because they're not liking this. This shift back from the way that they were growing. So so those are like dream size projects, that again, I don't have the power to carry out on my own. And then there's things like, I'm going to create something just to remind myself of what is within my control, and what can I move towards in terms of being superhuman to be able to help people with their magic. I don't want to help people with mental illness. I want to bring about this totally different dimension in the human mind, this other category, to category beyond categorization, and haven't been in touch with it for a long time. So for the scary aspects of it, and I want to re invite it into my life. But I feel like I need to be prepared to live that energy. live with that energy. Live as it
I sit here and I really don't know how I feel. ecpr was all about connecting with and talking about feelings. And I say I feel a lot, but generally I don't share feelings, partly because a lot of them are suppressed by the medications. Last night, I definitely felt something. I went to sleep without taking the half a Seroquel. And at some point during the process of falling asleep, my heart did that thing where it sped up and was beating really fast and strong, and I was terrified. And this time, it actually didn't wake me up right away. And I remember just laying there with this intense fear of death. Like I don't want to die one day, or I don't want to die right now. It actually seemed different than last time. Last time, a few weeks ago, it felt like that sensation of panic where I thought I was going to kill myself, like I have to kill myself, but I don't want to. And this time it was different. It was a different experience of that death terror. It really felt like I really don't want to die one day. Yet at the same time, I fear that when I do die, it'll be by my own hand. So it's kind of paradoxical that I would have that intense. Not wanting to die one day yet, fearing dying by my own hand. That's quite something I don't know what it is. But so when I did wake up after probably like 20 seconds, I took the half a Seroquel last time it was different. It woke me up immediately because I jumped up feeling like I might actually do something to end my life. But it's always about getting to my safety plan. Before I do that before I feel I need to do that. And I always do. So once I got my zap strap. And once I took the Seroquel, I felt fine, not fine, but I went to sleep. So this time it was a different flavor of death. And I have to remind myself that it could just be psychological death, then part of my psyche dies. It creates a bodily reaction just like if I think of something scary, my body's gonna react even if I'm sitting right here. And we're doing that to ourselves all the time. We're thinking things and our body's reacting. So it makes sense that if the psyche is dying, there's a bodily reaction. And if I wasn't here in California, I might actually see what that turns into without taking the Seroquel and I talked about getting Benadryl and I didn't get Benadryl. So today I did because of that reaction to it. And I talked to the people at hardy nutritionals and they said, it's better to go off it. Bye going down to a quarter and then going down to an eighth. So I feel tired and I feel out of shape and I feel like I'm not eating healthy. When I got here I was at least eating okay ish and under eating a bit and I was slender, which I prefer that, especially when I'm taking medications so my body can deal with all the toxins of the medication. And I feel a little bit like going home. And then I realized that I wouldn't be able to sit outside I wouldn't have access to this. expansive nature doesn't mean that I won't go home. It's just I'm a bit conflicted. I'm not really feeling that great mentally. So I'm getting through the days but not in the greatest fashion, I'm kind of blurred out and the days are a blur and I i've talked recently about things like super humaneness. And it's like I'm wanting to talk myself into those possibilities yet at the same time. Aside from being in the psych ward, I'm not in the greatest place right now. And it almost seems like when I go to those far off possibilities, by speaking about them. It feels like I crash even more after that. So it's difficult to know what to do. I feel like I need to focus on doing nothing and getting healthy and I keep talking about this, but I just ate a bunch of chips with some kind of dip. I just feel so lazy when it comes to that stuff. So I'm supposed to go down on my medication 1/8 at a time for the next eight weeks. So right now is me not doing the greatest but not doing terrible either. I wonder if I'll stay here for the weeks and do that process at the same time or what will happen. Anything could really happen right now I could end up going home tomorrow. Or I could end up staying till mid August. I miss my family I miss my community of people is beautiful here. But it's also beautiful just to have a community of people that one cares about. I really care about my community. Here there's a community of beauty and there's a few people around but but not a lot. And I've talked about before how I do best when I'm around people. So here I have sun, I have nature. I have wildlife and insects. tried to save one of your brothers earlier from the road, but I just kept walking. They were very determined to walk across the path. And now I sit down and there's one of you on me. Oh, you're looking away. Right now there's four butterflies doing a dance. That's beautiful. And the other thing about the death thing. Krishnamurti talks a lot about death. And I feel like I could just go through it somehow. They're so cute or they go What I'm thinking of is that we all die at some point. Yet, we're so worried about this life when we're living it. We're all gonna die. So it doesn't really matter. And I'm not saying that in the sense of do nothing or it doesn't matter. So just be mean. It's more just the fact of it all and. And I've also been thinking about reward and punishment. And when I was thinking about how we've all been forced into mediocrity, I'm not sure why I would care if people have something negative to say about what I'm sharing. When most people just have mediocre minds. And I'm not saying that I don't, and I do too. But why would I care? What a mediocre mind who can't really grasp this? has to say about it? Why am I not more concerned about if it might be helpful to somebody? Why am I so afraid? And there's people out there that are courageous, they'll just share and say what they want to say and share their message. And and if somebody says something about it, they just aren't concerned. Even if somebody does say something, they forget about it the next day, they go on with their lives. So in a way that people that might benefit will put more energy towards it than the people that would not. I guess it's partly because what I have to say sounds like it's against psychiatry. And part of it is it's against the way it's delivered. Yeah, at the same time, I feel like I still utilize psychiatry stuff, and maybe I will have to in the future. So I guess it's difficult, because I want to be strong and have transcended it yet. I'm in this place where I feel on the tipping point of being in some major distress. Another thing I've been thinking about a little bit is that if I feel like I'm in distress, or I'm afraid of death, or whatever it is, it's it's a common human experience. It's not just me, it's not mine. Maybe I'm feeling that and experiencing that, but it's not mine. It's, it's from somewhere. It's just part of the collective and part of mine as well. To feel like I'm struggling Well, we are struggling, we're all struggling. I guess I just hope in eight weeks I'll have come off some of this medication, I'll feel better. It's probably better to do it here. Otherwise, I'll be just sitting at home in somebody's basement. Maybe it would be beneficial if I just spent all my time sitting outside doing nothing. Because it's something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was back home. And at this point, I don't know if I'm gonna go see Celine Dion. I have this rental car for four or five more days and that's what happens. I have these plans, but then a lot of times it just becomes a waste because I'm not even feeling like I can use Lies it sucks to not be able to trust that one can just do what one wants to do when one wants to do it. That little butterfly over there so cute. He looks like he is this little fluffy body and he's flapping his wings up and down like measuring the wind or something and waiting for his friends to come along so you can join their dance and see now I'm off self dialog yet. I feel like I'm doing worse than when I was on that and talking on feeling some kind of urge to do so. And then I forget so yeah, death reward and punishment. And I wrote a bit of my story for Katie motorhomes emerging proud campaign for the blog, and I think I'm gonna give word for to go ahead and publish it. I wanted her to wait until after I got to ecpr even though I'm feeling kind of low and not clean. I almost feel like I don't care anymore. But I do care. But it's I'm not. I'm tired of caring about worrying. My family, I'll see the story and they might worry or I don't know, I just I don't know. Okay. Usually you would run away by now. Did you get hurt? Yeah, right. Good luck. And then I was reading a talk by Krishna Reddy. And he was talking about how we always wait for this pressure before we do anything. And I was thinking a bit about math consciousness when we're in it. We have this pressure of the universe making us act. And then when we're not in that anymore. It reminds me a bit of harvest practice and body. Can we do those things without the pressure being applied? And then yet, it seems like this other pressure is happening for me where it's something building up and then leading to this thing happening at night where it feels like dying. And being afraid of that. Maybe it'll just pass maybe I can just let it pass. Why do I have to be afraid of that? And what's causing that pressure to build up is being in California and just sort of doing whatever causing a different kind of pressure to build up Maybe the butterflies now. Maybe I could just ask what's the cause of this pressure butterfly. He left. His friends flew by and he left his back. Oh, oh. I have no idea if I caught that on camera. But if I do go back, I think I'm gonna buy a stand up paddleboard and just spend time on the water. But it's not water season there yet. So, maybe last year or day, maybe last year, another month, maybe two, maybe three. Somehow I need to take an interest in this body. Think I'm going to quit drinking coffee to start maybe I'll just sit out here and start doing some of that self dialogue. At least it's something even if it's just for my own entertainment not doing anything altruistic right now. Maybe releasing this blog article be good. Start some conversation. Dr. Fisher was talking about how relationships heal. yet here I have a couple relationships but they're new and it's not like home so I came down here and it's beautiful in so many things but I don't have my relationships which are the strongest and most important thing. We some learning relationships are important. So tonight, I really hope that I sleep better with that Benadryl and I'll take a quarter of a Seroquel and the trazadone and see what happens. Maybe it's good that some of this is coming out, but just little by little. I think I just want my energy back. Life is more challenging when one doesn't have energy.
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So I'm going back to an old notebook. So things are kind of out of order. But that's not what matters. The process is just about giving voice to insights and things that I see not necessarily putting them in logical order, because putting them in logical order doesn't leave much room for the new creative expression that might come through in sharing that bit. But for starters, last night, I reduced the trazadone by one half, so I took one and a half tries known and I'd have a Seroquel, I want to start taking the half Seroquel, but I don't have a pill cutter. So I might have to get one of those or really just try to cut it in half. And I'm still taking the Hardy nutritionals daily. So where I left off in my old notebook was talking about the body is a perceptual apparatus, and it's also a holographic net. So it's sort of clinging on to the images, it's recording, and associating those images with the past. So I wonder if we can be free from the holographic net, and not record with it not try to find new images to associate with all images. And I actually think that this is partially what builds up for people who have a tendency towards map consciousness. And when this recording isn't going on in map consciousness, the mind sort of touches reality instead of reality being touched by the images, and thus not really meeting reality at all. So the mind moves when the images Don't move. And then the mind moves through us and animates us. And none of this is really true. It's just playing with ideas and thoughts and insights. I feel like the old holograms resonate with the new incoming information and only pick out bits that are similar to it. So it blocks new information and only looks for similar information. And maybe the brain sees this as some type of efficiency, because it's calculating whether or not what it's meeting will serve its purposes. But his purposes have been programmed. So we're meeting life with the purpose as ever programs. And so not really meeting it at all. The net of thought is holographic. And the me is this interference pattern that's interfering with all the new information coming towards us. It interferes with life with actual life. And it seems like human beings are caught in this prison and this net of holographic light and sound. And I feel when this process stops the matter of the brain then speaks life life as its met. And our choosing mechanism RS decision mechanism is part of this net, we're choosing with our net and grabbing those bits of reality. And when we think we send out holograms, when can we stop adding to this collective recording that we all share? And I made up a word holograph phonic. So it's sort of this light and sound and as part of the image making process through which we meet life. And it seems like the universe has created a creature that can harmonize with life with his gestures and words or destroy it. We're the only creature that can really choose to be in disharmony in a way. It's like we can pick an avocado and eat it. Or we can just cut down the tree in terms of First there was the word. It seems like that's choice and we can choose to use the word for destruction or harmonizing. And I had this thought that there are lots of other planets that supported life at some point, and the life eventually developed words and language. And then there was the choice to harmonize with the language or to use it for destruction. And if life chose to use it for destruction, it eventually would destroy the very life that created the language. Language evolved from life from living things. And then the language when used to destroy, eventually destroys life itself. So I had this thought that maybe there are a lot of planets that had life, but they destroyed it. And so it's no longer there. And I remember Alan Watts has a video on YouTube describing how he imagined that life could evolve to destroy itself. And then it would, and I can't remember if he said it in his video, or, or if I thought of this, but I don't know, I can't remember if I did. But if we blow ourselves up, for example, DNA would go reeling through the universe, and it would kind of see the planet somewhere with life, eventually, life would be created somewhere else on the suitable planet, then the DNA got to and then might get too many planets, but only one might actually evolve life. So humanity, evolve, evolving, as it does, with language eventually uses the language and the intellect to blow itself up. But then that seeds, other planets with DNA and life. And maybe that's how life spreads throughout the universe, sort of like one planet than the next planet than the next. So there's always another planet. And in terms of questioning the prior assumption, we never question that which makes assumption happen, which is thought, which is language, which is our accumulated information, we accumulate information, and then we can't see life. And life will tell us different information. And I think this whole thought part is key in terms of being able to transform somewhat, because when the energy the increased energy comes in, it amps up whatever's there. So if there's too many thoughts, it's going to have to deal with thoughts from the outside. So dealing with that, plus personal thoughts, or making those extra thoughts personal, and personalizing them, makes it more difficult. And movement is part of communication. And that's along with the epigesturetics. But even the lizards here, they do push ups to communicate with each other. So communication is not just words. And when we're in my consciousness, we're in connection with that total movement of communication. And in a way, when we start to move towards the so called psychosis end of things. It's a movement, and it's a communication of some kind. And I wonder if it's also about needing help, or we need to help each other, when we're in the map conscious state, to stay in that state and not move out of it towards the structures of thought and society that would pathologize us. And meaning is a language, it's a living language. And life itself is the meaning of life. When I was thinking again, how important it is to not be attached to any perceptions, or insights. And that's part of myself, dialogue is not just thinking of a couple of things, writing them in a book and then and then clinging on to them, like there's something special, when none of this is special. And one day, I really hope to be able to face that real terrifying fear and just look at it and be with it. It's sort of like this internal death that happens, but somehow haven't been able to move through it. And we as people who go through map consciousness, we look like we have a disorder when the brain is deconditioning itself, from the order of society's conditioning, to the order of life itself. And I'm reading a book called on our own by Judy Chamberlain. And it was written in the 70s. And I can't believe it because it's so pertinent and relevant today. But she mentioned building up the confidence and self esteem of all the people involved in the work. And we as people who go into my consciousness definitely have work to do to understand the states and also, for the world. We all connected with having a sense that we need to do something to help the world. And Krishna already said I am the world and the world has me. And I feel personally like I connected with that feeling state in the state of so called mania. And one feels completely responsible for the whole world. But then one gets sort of crushed by that because it's hard to do on one's own. So I hope that if I share this one day, that other context, whether it's one thing or 10 things, or no things are not even the things but just the process itself helps to just build a little bit of confidence. or understanding, I don't know what it is. And she's so forward thinking she said, even a person who struggles to successfully maintain his or her own way of thinking, like I've been doing here, can be damaged by this form of psychological assault. So even if somebody goes through a system, and they don't think, Oh, I'm defective, and diseased, it's still damaging, to be told that and to go through the experiences of indoctrination into believing that. And I wrote down that I saw a little tiny fly. And he actually had little wings on his head. And I don't know if they actually flapped, but he was sitting there, with two little wings on his head. And he flies and he flies quite chaotically. But I've never seen a fly with like these extra wing appendages to help with their chaotic flight path. And he was cleaning his wings was really cute. And I started reading my writings from six years ago, before I was diagnosed with anything. And it was interesting, because a lot of it's the same that I talk about now. It's like, I knew certain things, and had certain visions before I was ever diagnosed with anything. And then the diagnosis was like, no, that stuff didn't mean anything. Yet, six years later, I'm getting in touch with that and saying the same things. So it's from that same place that one gets in touch with, and what happens when I speak nature, and infinity, and not thought and limitation. And one thing I wrote six years ago, is that that language is alive and always there. So I had a sense of this other language of this other communication of being in touch with something else that speaks through me. And I feel like map and so called psychosis is an attempt to destroy the old language, even though sometimes it destroys the person. But if one can just deny that kind of language, and move towards the other, and I don't mean just, that sounds like an oversimplification. But part of it is purging this old language from the nervous system. And when that happens, we see how scary and detrimental it is. And it's important to see it and observe it and not get attached to it or run from it just really be with it. Which there's no real paradigm for supporting people through what if more people spoke this language of nothingness. And it seems like all symptoms are seeing or hearing something beyond thought, or hearing something that's kind of off to see the awfulness of it all. And I wrote this blurb here and not just read it for the sake of hearing myself say it. Sound implies movement, like hearing something hit the ground. It was an orange falling out of a tree, one might look to find out or just know from previous experience, thus not feel the need to look. That's what that does. It saying what we know from previous experience. Thus, we think we don't have to look. We think we don't have to pay attention. This is partly adaptive, we learned so we don't have to put our energy of attention on something like a humming noise of a fan. We eventually don't hear it at all. Because our thoughts go on constantly. And we mistake that for reality. We have turned our attention down on reality. Just like if we have a rope and whip it in a circle. It appears as a circle, but it is a line a rope. Our circular thoughts may make it seem like there's someone swinging the rope, thinking the thoughts, I think there could be a perception theory of suppose a mental illness, our perception is changing, kind of like how our eyesight can change over time. And eventually we need glasses, or this change in perception is more radical. And it actually increases our ability to perceive. But we generally don't think about acquiring such abilities partway through life. So what have you seen? And what do you see? So I wonder, why do we no longer smell that the sound of thought is dangerous? The sounds of thought fade into the background, just like the smell that we no longer smell? Because it's determined not to be dangerous? Why does the computer brain make the sensitivity of the brain the sensitivity to life, fade into the background? And I sit here in 98%, nature and 2% human constructs? Why do most of us live in 98% human constructs, and then we wonder why we go crazy. And I remember in my consciousness, feeling like I could steer the whole world with my gestures, my movements, my actions. And at some point, this became scary because it was a huge responsibility. And I felt like I no longer knew what I was doing. I think part of the trouble is in trying to do something, when really we aren't the Dewar in that state at all. And I think that the sound of thought is partly the sluggishness, it's the energy drainer. In my consciousness, our brains work at the speed of light. And I wrote down that power over, creates memes words and sounds for people to believe. Whereas power with relieves people of the believer and puts people in contact with the perceiver. And I was thinking about how science wants to predict stuff. And even our ego wants to predict stuff it wants to predict what to do. And in my consciousness, sometimes we can predict, and prophesize things and see the future, because the mind is a scientific instrument in itself, and it's access the quantum state. But it makes the little predictions of science seem ridiculous in a way, because the brain itself can see way beyond it. So that kind of game is over just by this new capacity of the brain. It's a different order of operation altogether. And in David Baum's book wholeness and the implicit order, he calls the new mode of language he is playing with the real mode, which is a flowing mode of language. And that resonates with me, because I had a lot of language flowing out of me. And it's almost like a map consciousness, one gets in touch with a flowing mode of language, not as trying to create one, but just as one is in that state. There is language and new language and new perceptions flowing out of that person. So perhaps, that kind of state naturally greats that flowing language versus trying to create a flowing language from a state of not being in the flow. And I feel like the way we use language now is Newtonian. And when science is discovering quantum physics, we need a language to match those discoveries to make that come into existence. Because the discovery of it didn't create that it was already there. But in order for us to see that we need to speak in a way that makes it possible. And David Bohm says a few things that are cool in his book wholeness and the implicate order. He said, nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it is approached. And I feel like human nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it's approached. So if somebody is approached by somebody who's just thinking that they're going to put a mental illness label on somebody, then human nature will respond accordingly. So the way a vulnerable person is approached is very important. And can we approach nature as beauty with beauty. And I feel like the brain is shifting towards beauty. And the mind is unlimited. But the body is limited. And I'm wondering if this is part of the reason why I need to keep a lid on consciousness. And David Bohm said, theories as ways of looking modes of perception, guides to perception. They're not separate substances. Even with self dialogue, I'm sharing so many things that overlap, contradict, add, subtract, yet each one is a way of looking. And I wrote, I seem to be a way of looking that constantly changes. That creates a new insight. And can the brain guide perception to see beauty? Or can perception create beauty in the brain. And these are all different ways of looking at one reality. And that's part of the point of self dialogue is just to look at reality in different ways. Look at experience in different ways, not in terms of right, wrong, good, bad, better, worse. And I wrote, nature is made of a substance called beauty. But we're so busy looking for truth, that we can't see it. And we've turned beauty into pleasure. So we're looking for pleasure instead of looking at beauty in the moment. And what happens when the mind moves faster than the speed of light, then consciousness leaves the body travels. And Boehm also said, The undivided wholeness and flowing movement. To me that sounds somewhat like map consciousness, not just the words, but the actual felt sense of the truth of that. And he talks about the word formative. And I feel like human beings are formative and we can form language and be formative in our communication. And human consciousness has a relative stability and autonomy, which is the body. And he defines formative cause as an ordered and structured inner movement that is essential to what things are. And I feel like map consciousness in a way is a formative cause. It causes new language causes inside it causes reaching out, causes responsibility, action, new gestures. And this energy as it's doing that is changing the DNA. It's changing the muscles, it's changing everything, and it's forming new meaning. It's getting the body to see new meaning. And not claim to those meanings But see, meaning moment to moment, new meaning moment to moment.
Just had a fortuitous event, somebody wants to lend me their car for a week. And I haven't driven in six weeks. One thing though, is being on extra Seroquel, that's not great. So maybe tonight, I will cut it down to half a Seroquel and one and a half trazadone. But now I feel like I need to do some planning of what I can do for the next week with a vehicle. So hopefully I can do some self dialogue, but also some embodied self dialogue and embodied mania. So how would I live for a week in California with a car Stay tuned. So that changes the landscape of things a little bit, as I will be able to further map the landscape around here. And it will be fun to drive because I do like driving. And I haven't in a while. And another thing too is that a bit of my story is going to be in the emerging proud book that is coming out in about six weeks. And it's safe to talk about it because it's not out yet. But it will be by the time I released this. And Katie asked for a two line blurb to the readers for hope and inspiration. And I wrote down our brains are resilient, neuro plastic and quantum with infinite capacity to learn, unfold and create. We've seen and touch possibilities yet to be made manifest. So hold these visions in your heart so that the minds of the many might be touched and see the possible world to. So I have a few notes on my computer. And I'm not planning to sit inside often to be able to read off my computer and talk about it. So I'll get right to it. I made up a word. I was thinking about how dialogue in a way is kind of like improv. But just a conversational improv in a way, whereas improv is more embodied. But I created the word die and prologue, which is a combination of dialogue and improv. And I wonder if that can be brought into embodied mania. So it's not just an improv and just playful, but there's some form of communion and dialogue happening at the same time, I feel it's possible to see people's possible selves. When I was able to look at people and see them light up and become their flamboyant animated version of themselves, their dye improv a log version of themselves. We are all there underneath the encasing of thought and societal structures. In a way this other language comes out of our eyes and heart, we can actually see that which we want to say from a new perception. And it seems life energy is turned into a thought, which has no basis in actuality, it's from the past. And perhaps because it has no basis. In reality, it can't really touch reality. So it has to turn back in on itself. And it's like this cycle keeps going because something is trying to meet reality but nothing ever does. If it's from thought, words can't meet life. So they go back in circles. And life energy created by life goes out to infinity and it actually changes the pattern of the hole ever so slightly, whereas thought is repetitious and doesn't change the hole. And it seems like thought as the me is false integration. The me Can't integrate into the hole because it has no relationship to the hole. So instead of integration we get repetition. The brain is being used as a repetition device, instead of actually integrating and creating can we approach life with beauty? flow is a flow of beauty. Can our gestures and actions move with the algorithm of beauty? Can each step we take be artful. And if we approach with beauty, the thing doesn't matter the thing we approach. What matters is that we approach with beauty and in that we have some relationship to it. And it seems like mob consciousness is an exercise in beauty, exercising us in the field of beauty, and exercising our beauty, muscle gestures, and our beauty neurology. I wonder if there's genes for this beauty? Can we reach out as beauty. So I don't like reading stuff. But when I write longer blurbs, kind of have to read it. So I think this is in response to what Dr. Daniel Siegel said, at the end of his neuroscience talk. On the neuroscience summit, he said something like we are nature. And I wrote to say we are nature, intellectually, without a felt sense of it. And sensitivity to it, is meaningless. And if we are to integrate nature, we must understand our relationship to it. If we have no direct understanding, it is not integrated in our brain. It's just a word, a concept, an abstraction. When the mind uses the brain to start integrating nature, the immensity can short circuit the brain circuitry. And this is exactly what is needed. To short circuit the me. When we get a glimpse of our relationship to the immensity, it starts a never ending unfolding of understanding of meaning of our relationship to nature. And as it this is eternity. So it's scary to fall out of eternity, and be involved back into the limitations of society. This impose limitation is a pressure on the brain. It's difficult not to go crazy. But as the understanding deepens, the immensity crowds out the me circuits in the brain. We just need enough money to take care of the body, the brain space and fluidity opens up. So this deepening understanding takes over the brain as perception. Now you see as the mind, interesting, I'm talking to myself. So now the brain is a relational organ, playing the music of relationship as that we can speak as the relationship to nature. And all of reality, then we don't need science as science is due to the separating ourselves from nature. With the way we use language, meeting nature and relationship with our preconceived notions of language structures, which divide us up from being indirect contact, the sound is the barrier. And the sound barrier we project prevents contact, contact and relationship with nature allows us to speak as that relationship as the moment. And I wonder about the math of this. Not that I know much about math, but I'm seeing a few variables that can go together to create something and I don't really know what that is yet, but see if something happens. Again, as a crazy person, I can pretend that my brain might be able to come up with some math stuff. It's possible or see willing possibility. I want to be defective in reference to this defective society, the mind installed a new value system, which has nothing to do with education and society. And I feel like beauty becomes the fuel. Beauty is the fuel. See willing possibility, beauty fuel. And I was reading David Baum's book, wholeness in the implicit order. And he talks about a word vida eight. I think it's five, eight, and I'll talk about it again later if I don't get this correct. But he was saying that it means to see and to understand at the same time to perceive and to understand, not just to see something, but to really understand and have a felt sense of have that thing like to understand and to see. And to have an insight is probably similar. So to have an insight is to understand something in a moment like, aha, Eureka. And so in the same way one could ask, see inciting possibility, does one see into the possibility of that insight, not just receiving it in terms of No, that doesn't agree with my belief systems, and my opinions that I've been told and sold and programmed to think about. And the cool thing about C as well as C in physics is the speed of light. So in the word C as an s, e, is also C, for light, and one needs to really see the light without the interference of previous sound structures, in order to have an insight. And so if I say, See inciting possibility, one might say, no see, and sounding and possibility. So that is admitting that one's internal sounds are getting in the way of seeing the insight that one is declaring as an insight is not coming from past knowledge, but it's actually something that is seen in the moment. And all that word stuff with the see inciting bit. All the bit extra. I just made up now. And I'm only saying that to say that new insights can come up, even though I have a bit of a list here of things that I wanted to talk about. And that's why I like writing down the small point form things. And not these big long things is because I can talk about things. And if I write down a big thing that I have to just read it and I don't like that. When I'm reading it, I'm sort of just reading it to read it, and usually not much else comes up into consciousness. And so we have beauty is the fuel. Beauty is the field. And I do feel in a way that my job is to harvest these insights, insights from Beauty, to give voice to the beauty that is all around as part of giving voice to the voiceless, which requires mirror neurons and empathy and silence. It seems like my brain can harvest insights and perceptions because it has a direct relationship with the mind with reality. And this is not anything special. It's how we're designed to be we're not designed to be programmed robots. Because this mind is something we all share. We use the brain in service of personal pleasure. But when we strip away all the personal stuff, we have the same brain in mind. And that's what Krishna Murty talks about is the human brain. If we were all of a sudden blank slates, we would just be the same human brain with the same kind of capabilities. And I was actually thinking today when I was thinking about how I've been, you know, struggling lately or something, and had to take the extra medication. But if I put it in the context of I am the world and the world has me while the world is struggling. So if I say I'm struggling, it makes it seem like my personal struggles, but the world is struggling. So even if it seems like I'm in a scenario where I shouldn't be struggling, then just to put it in a broader context because I feel like I've connected with that oneness where it's all one and felt so amazing and ecstatic. Well, one can feel anything in between when one is connected to the oneness. It's not all lollipops and cotton candy. So I'm going to try that a little bit when I'm struggling and kind of have the sense that the world is struggling and I'm picking up on it. And I haven't been struggling I just feel kind of drugged a little bit because I've been taking extra medication. And like I said, the main goal right now is to get to emotional CPR. So how do we translate this beauty? By giving voice To her by talking about it by talking as it by talking with it by looking at it by being with it, by smelling it by touching it by tasting it, by being in complete wonder of it, by understanding it wholly, partly. And I wrote down that one of my heart races like that when I'm falling asleep, it's like some sounds and thoughts are coming in to process. And it's scary because usually I'm not really connected up with that stuff. But I feel like sometimes some of it tries to filter through me like, like a drain almost. And map consciousness is vision correction, towards quantum vision and having a quantum brain, the quantum world already exists, scientists are just touching on it, but it actually exists as a state of existence as a state of the brain. Why don't we have access to that brain state is partially because the people who go into that brain state are pathologized, and accredited another word, instead of agreeing, which is sort of what you said, agrees with my opinions in my past programs, are seeing is seeing something that someone saying something new, and meeting that instead of judging and, and making opinions about it, as somebody is talking to us see, one has to be open, and say, I don't know and be willing to find out. And I think nature has some hands in it. For example, when there's a loud thunder, we can't hear ourselves think it's too loud. And also, it might scare us into not thinking for that moment. And in that moment, that a person isn't thinking, the moment before that there's often lightning, which is electrons and energy. So it's like nature sends all this energy down to the Earth's surface, and then has a loud sound that quiets the human mind for a moment. And even seeing the lightning can quiet the mind for a moment. And all the thinking energy and sound energy of people, if you were to add it all up and, and play that sound over a period of time, it would probably sound like a really, really loud thunder, if you took everybody's thoughts, which is 50,000 thoughts a day, all of that sound together, one person times two times 10 times a million, times a billion, it will be so loud. So in a way, the collective thinking of the moment is being erased with the thunder. And also we have to pay attention to nature. And we have to change our actions, because of nature, when we can be changing our actions because of nature, as in going towards the beauty of it. And another thing too, that I do for sure, is rely on the gestures of others, to remind me to do things. So I do things more visually. So somebody drinks water, I might drink water, too, because I'm not thinking Oh, I should drink water. But if I see someone else do it, I can mirror that. So I'm remember making a word for that. When I was in the state before I was even diagnosed, I called it a sea minder, because we've talked about reminding people of something. But somebody sometimes can do something that makes us reminded to do something, but it's really a C minor instead of someone say, don't forget to do this. And the importance of that is just acknowledging that we learn from others, we even somebody giving somebody, a smile can be a sea minder to remind us to actually smile at people. And so that's how the gestures spread, they spread by mirror neurons and see minders. And there's probably an epigenetic component to that too. And we could also say, I mirror you to say, I am copying you and I'm copying something good that you're doing or that I need to do to as a human being, it's a common thing. So it's part of the trust of the world that hints out there will remind us to do the things we need to do. And one day I'm hoping to maybe go completely calendar lis and just wander right now I have reminders in my calendar and stuff because otherwise I forget to do stuff. So I think I told the story about how when I was in the hospital that bad time I've seen this pattern of light for probably 15 years. And I've always kind of wondered about it, but I could see the pattern of light on the grass. And each time it lit up, there was an ant there, like the end came out of the light. But it made me realize that that light is the movement of life. It's sort of like the flower of life, possibly. And that is the algorithm of beauty. I saw more of that yesterday, it was really windy. And I also see this sort of fluorescent, green and purple everywhere. And it's really hard to explain with this weird pattern, and I don't see it all the time. But I can see it more in the dark. And it was dark outside, but I could still see the trees moving. And the way the lighting was the trees as they swayed in the wind. They disappeared into darkness. And then they came out of this darkness. And it was just so apparent to me that it's this pattern of emptiness that really holds the material. And it's impossible to explain. But it was just so fascinating to watch it seriously disappear, and re materialize. And it was actually supported by all these strings of purple and green light. I see the purple light more when it's dark in the green light more when it's white. And I've seen this all for like 14 years, which actually makes me feel like this whole process of the change of perception has been going on for a lot longer than even this whole mental illness diagnosis thing. So yeah, and there's this other thing that I see, these are all like, bits of the biology of perception behind perception that we usually can't see. But for some reason I had this thing happen where all of a sudden, I could see it. And it was before that chronic fatigue thing that I had. And I wrote down that thought is a type of dizziness of not looking at the now and giving voice to it. Language is not required most of the time. Maybe language was originally from Beauty originally had a rose from Beauty. And then somehow we managed to turn it ugly. So I might make another video I'm not sure. Tomorrow morning, I will plan some things to do with this car. So maybe I will have some other scenery besides the corner of my little room. And out looking for an eagle or Hawk feather. It was really windy last night, so I just had a feeling that I might find one. Like one would just magically blow somewhere. did find bear poop. This is baby bear. This is mama bear. And they found something else of interest. I don't know where it is. But I didn't find a feather. But I'm wondering if I will at some point. But I just wanted to make a quick video because this is definitely something a man could do is just be out for a walk and then divert to where one feels there might be an eagle feather or Hawk feather. I don't see that other thing. Oh, there it is. I think this looks like some kind of shoulder blade. Some kind of animal. thing that's cool about relaxed perception is that if it's in the field of vision and one isn't looking for that needle in the haystack, peripheral vision will pick it up. So one doesn't really have to try to look for anything. So we'll see how long it takes my brain to find it without trying to find it. Because I may not go out again, looking for it purposefully. Seems like it's sort of like setting. I don't want to say an intention, but maybe a possibility. intention sounds very willful or is possibility invites the participation of the whole universe
It's April Fool's Day. And last night, I was able to reduce the Seroquel by half. And I tried to do that several days ago and it didn't work, I had to take the other half. But this time, I fell asleep with half a Seroquel, one and a half trazadone and the usual lithium, I'm still doing the Hardy nutritionals and I'm feeling pretty good. still feeling a little slow and sluggish. But today, I actually got a lot done emails and things that I haven't really kept up on. So I felt very productive. And tomorrow, I will have access to a vehicle. So I'm actually going to have mobility and be able to go around I want to go to the hot springs and I really don't know what else I really don't like the bugs that come alive when I have my light on. So I'm going to keep this short and I realized that I've taken this much notes most of which I haven't talked about with myself yet. That's a lot pile up. But when I focus is going out and about staying well and getting to ecpr and then after that maybe focusing on eating a little bit healthier because I'm just eating a lot of carbs and not really putting much effort into my health. And I would talk to myself more right now but I really don't want all those bugs to come out. They come out. I don't know where they live but they just appear out of nowhere at nighttime when the light is on. And there might be those q ones with the wings on their head. But I still don't want them all over the place. Good night I'm here at the beach as a free bipolar person. Peter plane in San you can be free to if you believe in your magic powers and then the possibility of possibility and not just believe but the beauty and train. Let beauty animate you Is this a beautiful universe Talk to you later.
So I haven't really been doing much self dialog lately, partly because I've been attempting to catch up on other things. But partly, I think it's because I'm still on a little bit of Seroquel. And I remember from last time how, even when I was on one half, I think I did a video at the park, where I was saying, I have no idea what to even say. And then that night, I didn't take any and then the next day, I felt very talkative again. So I'm still taking half of a Seroquel, which I have for the last three days. And I'll continue to take half for a few more days just to make sure that it doesn't come up again, because of how I'm in California, and also how I want to get ecpr. So I'd rather have a clear head at ecpr. But leading up to that if I can just get myself to sleep and all that stuff, then it's good. And when I go off the Seroquel, if I finish coming off of it, then that means that I was able to take it quick enough to stop it from happening. And there was only a two month space between the last one and this one. So hopefully it doesn't happen every two months. And there's a chance I could run out of trazadone because I'm taking more than I usually do. So there's a lot of different factors that would lead me to go home early, but it's looking like I'll get a CPR. And hopefully I'll get past mid May and hopefully I'll get to the end of July. Hopefully with this hardy nutritionals I'll be able to go off the trazadone because I have gone for long periods of time, not being on trazadone at all. And today I was feeling kind of tired. And I'm not sure if I'm starting to experience that. overmedication effect that the hearty nutritionals can do. And tomorrow will actually be the one year since I was hospitalized when it wasn't good. That was a year ago tomorrow. And then I was in there for 19 days. And in a step down for two weeks. So 33 days. So starting tomorrow, this time last year, I was in the scariest situation ever. And it's awesome that a year later, I'm in California, living my dream, stumbling a little bit but still doing it and having a good time. The most difficult thing really is having a routine of feeding myself because it's so beautiful that taking care of oneself is an afterthought. I kind of miss straightening my hair. And maybe that's it. And I'm kind of skipping all over the place in my notebook. Trying to go back to where I left off somewhat. And just talk about some of the stuff could be good to still talk about it even when I'm a little bit drugged. To even just show the difference between drugs self dialog and not drugged. So here it goes. I've been thinking about language a lot. But not really because I'm drugged out. So I've been thinking about much but seems like I was thinking about language and writing stuff down at some point and I feel Like our brains are cultured and raised on thought, in that we hear people, when we're developing speak about the me and the past, and the future. So we learn those language structures. And we're, we're cultured in that we're cultured in the language of me, by a bunch of me speaking about the me. And this is structured in language with subject, object verb. And I wonder if we can create a present moment language and be cultured in that, where we don't meet each other with our past. But we meet each other with what is present. And not just what's happening inside as, and that's what's present. But what is actually there in the moment. perception of the actual and in that way, we're not divided because we're meeting with what we all share, which is everything around us, except for our physical bodies. And I wonder if the brain wants to be present or not, because it seems like it's always running away with thought wanting to be somewhere else, and all that kind of stuff. But maybe it does that because we're not speaking as the present. So the me always wants to be somewhere else. But the me isn't, the brain is just this construct over the brain. Perhaps the brain actually wants to be present, but the me can't be. Because the me is sort of this foreign entity in the brain that warps it away from just seeing and being in speaking as the present moment. And I wonder if the brain is trying to create a culture of presence. And not just culture, as in society, but actually, presence is what is the true culture of the brain for the brain to grow. It needs to see and be in the present to actually grow and change neuro plastically. Otherwise, it's not really changing and quality at all. So something else grows when we're present. The brain wants to be whole, but it's the me that divides it up. And I think the language we speak inside is dopamine dopa me. And I think we speak dopamine, English, it's English, that gets us a hit of dopamine, the way we use our words, externally, the way we use our words, internally, we use that language to get dopamine is tied into the dopamine reflex. So it's English that produces dopamine. And I wonder if there's English, that produces oxytocin. And really, to share and feel connected, when in a way needs to be present. So part of that could be oxytocin. And it could be a reason why someone in my consciousness has a lot of oxytocin traits. And I think the brain is trying to actually create a state even beyond oxytocin, which is beauty. And I think I've seen that dimension somewhat. And I read the study related to that, and I can't really remember what it is when it made me think something about that. But anyway, I'll get back to that some other time. And I was thinking about how some people do a stream of consciousness writing where they just write and write and write and write and write. And don't think and in a way can we have a stream of conscious ness seeing where we just see and see it See, without thinking. And when we see in that way, it produces sound, different sound other than thinking and that sound might actually be something other than dopamine, English. So perception creates a different way of using English. Not in service of the me. And service of the moment. And can we look as the moment, which is not a seeking state, when we're looking as the me, then we're seeking we're seeking, we're looking for something when we're looking as the me. But when we look as the moment we are that which we were looking for, so we just look. And I was thinking about cameras and how cameras capture and translate beauty. And if there was an image already on the lens of the camera, it would actually interfere with it, taking a beautiful picture. And when we project images and sounds as our thoughts, it's in the way of our lens. And another part of the camera analogy is that the camera doesn't talk about itself, it just captures and translates beauty. And those pictures are worth 1000 words. So when we can see with clear perception and take a full video moment to moment of the totality. We can choose with each frame 1000 different words to say about it. So can we create a language of the moment culture instead of a language of thought and the me and the past? That's kind of like improv in a way because an improv you can't really just talk about the me You have to really play on the moment. One can only play in the moment, one can't play yesterday. So it's not really a fun game to always be talking about past stories and problems and things. So part of this language of the moment would definitely be play. I think mania is just the language of the moment. We're definitely very embodied in the moment through a lot of it. So where are the words are coming from or from a different place? Different Dimension in a way. And we speak different from that other dimension. And when we first get in contact with that in mind consciousness, we can sound rather silly because we say everything unfiltered. And we don't question how we use thought inside our head. It's always think better thoughts, more powerful thoughts? affirmations, we don't question thinking in our head at all. So there's language inside our head and is pre formed, going around in circles. And this pre forming is part of the programming. We've been programmed to pre form our words before we say them, but then they're always coming from that place in the past. And so we perform according to our conditioning, there's an undefined, narrator and speaker. And I feel like all emotions are of the past if we recognize them as fear. When we have the fearful emotion, there'll be something from the past giving us a reason to be afraid. And I feel like emotions have a holographic quality in that the emotional molecule actually stores the information of what it is that we're emoting about. So it's not just fear, but the reason that we should feel fear, the little story, the image, the past event. And I feel like this is kind of how emotions, put the brake on map consciousness and bring one back down. Because when one is in the mania side of things, it's very rich and ecstatic and fluxing and flowing. And then all of a sudden, an emotion comes in, and it's almost like a brake pedal, because before it was like this flow of different richness that is hard to define, and then as soon as it's like, fear from the past coming in, it almost grabs that energy of mania and pulls it down. So I feel like this could be the brake system from a person being in map consciousness for too long. So they're not able to maintain that state and turn it into a trade or a stage. And something short circuits and the emotions coming in like that as part of it. So in so called psychosis, there's a lot of fear. And if somebody was in a high state, and goes into fear, they're going to be in a low state quite quickly. So they're almost like, anchors, like you've gone too far into that state, or been too long into that state. And sort of burnt out energetically. And there could be things that we do in that state that lead us to also burn that out. And the emotion in the story when it comes in, like the fear the, or whatever it is, it's the me that tries to tether us back to the limited self. Again, putting the brakes on, it all of a sudden, reminds us who we were, when, in mania, we're sort of something totally different. And changing all the time. We're really with the moment and then the emotion comes in and sort of puts us not in just the moment, but in the whole context of our stored memories over time. That in mania, we forget about, and when we forget about them, we have all this energy. And then when they come back in, it pulls us down. And I'm not saying this is how it is or how it's bad for one and good for the other. I'm just saying it's interesting to think about. And I think emotions keep us separate from the world are helped to keep us separate, because it reinforces the me, which is a separative movement. And if we don't have that blocking us, we're sensitive and empathetic. And using our mirror neuron system, not our emotional system, our emotional system is chemical. And the chemicals come in and produce holograms as well. Whereas if we are just with our mirror neuron system, it's based on light, the light of perception, and sound as well, but actually receiving the whole impression of sound and light on our mirror and being able to make the calculation of responding adequately without thinking about it. It's a different calculation, you almost Watch yourself act, sort of like an emergency situation, when you see something, and you just act. You see what needs to be done right away, you just act. It's kind of like that. So the me and the emotions block the mirror neurons, because the emotions are chemicals and holograms, whereas the quantum mirror is just light of perception and sound coming in not inner sound blocking the sound coming in. And so it receives the whole quantum impression. And they're saying, the universe is quantum. Well, the fabric is quantum and we move as that fabric and with that fabric and change that fabric because we are the possibility makers. And I was thinking that the quantum is a psychoactive substance. And so it's perception. When we see clearly, it changes our brain, it changes our brain chemistry. Just like in mania, our perception is so clear, and we're so sensitive. And it's psychoactive. We're not taking anything but it's actually psychoactive it's acting on our brains to perceive so clearly an act, action and epigesturetics is psychoactive and it rewrites the DNA. So it's sort of Geno active as well. Seeing new renews the brain. And I think we who go into map consciousness, being valued and understood for our unique contribution that we're still waiting to be able to make would be psychoactive. for us and for the people that might listen, it would heal the way we're looked at. And the way a lot of people look at themselves. It will heal the way we look together and the way we speak together and it will heal A lot of things because people who go into mass consciousness do come back with a lot of meaning and perspective, more so than they might have ever realized because they've never been invited to think about it, or consider it, or it's dormant or atrophied because of lack of use. Like one has to use one's gifts when one gets acquainted with those gifts, so we don't use them, then they kind of shrivel up. But I feel like soft dialogue and context and meaning making and talking with each other might provide the hydration, the nutrition, the resonance, the energy to to reawaken these gifts that we have. The light that we have to meet coming out of other people's eyes, depletes us. And I think we need a quantum language, we need a lot of different ways to use language than just past present future. Me, you I, we they, there are so many more ways to, to think about language, whether it's speaking as the present moment, speaking as perception speaking, as quantum speaking as possibilities, or even a language for when two people realize that they can think together on things that they're actually not to separate minds and brains. And I think the way that we use words, actually creates mental illnesses, with the labeling, of course, but even just the way we use language throughout our lives, great separation and loneliness and division and competition and coercion and every form of thing that's against the human nervous system. It's a culture of words, as in the nutrition of the words is, is off. It's weakening us weakens our nervous system, and we're all repeating all of this and then we're not animating ourselves as our most beautiful selves, because we don't have that language of beauty as the nutrition running through our nervous systems and, and in the thoughts fear and soundscapes. And I feel like the me language, the current way language is used limits neuroplasticity, for sure. And it's reverberating through our nervous system and keeping us limited and we're not animated by the universe. And I think this is the major thing, the energies and going through our nerves properly. So one of the things would be to use language differently. And if we think we have a mental illness, then we stop thinking. We stopped wondering, and we were born to wonder. And I wonder if we can go beyond personal separative emotions to empathy and from molecules of emotion to the quantum mirror. an impersonal screen that calculates the lightened sound. So it's a light of perception state, not a material state. So the light and sound hits the mirror and we act, but we don't go through this intermediary state of emoting and thinking
So last night I was sort of slowly and clumsily doing some self dialogue on older things I'd written down. And then when I was editing it, I often have things pop up in awareness that I want to write down. And then I noticed that some of it was getting a little bit tipping towards the hole going too far with extrapolations that scare my brain because they're sort of like prophecy or premonition, or I'm not sure what they are. But so then, after that, I was thinking to myself, I don't know, maybe I should just not do any self dialog until after ecpr. Because I don't want to freak my brain out. It's a week away, and I want to get there. And so I sort of settled with that and thinking that, well, if I do some, I'll just give a little bit of update of how I'm doing with taking the hearty nutritional supplement and things like that. And then today, I wrote down so much, and it wasn't anything scary. So I was thinking, well, maybe it would be good to actually do some self dialogue on the new stuff. And see how that feels. Because I think there's a bit more energy behind it when the context from which it was written is still kind of there. And I don't know if that's true, for sure. But I just thought, well, maybe I'll talk about some of these things I wrote down today. Even though I told myself, I wouldn't talk about anything, doesn't mean I can't write stuff down. But again, this process can also lead to freaking one's brain out a little bit. But I think that's part of extending the comfort zone of this whole process. Because when one is seeing possibilities, one can see scary possibilities, too. And I thought of a funny one, yesterday, and I wrote down that map consciousness is kind of like Nervous System cleaning. It's cleaning out all the thought structures and programs, or maybe not all of them, but some of them. And so just like one one queens ones colon and does an enema or something, he might look in the toilet. And notice that there are some pretty nasty looking stuff there. And in the same way, my consciousness is cleansing out these old bad structures and holograms that when they're cleansed out of the nervous system, we have to look at them, unfortunately, and they can sort of really scare us in a way because we're looking at them and, and what the mind is imagining feels like it's happening. So it's almost like there's this thought plaque matrix that needs to be cleaned out of the nervous system. And this thought plaque matrix of sound, in a way, is a plaque around the brain cells. And just like the colon can have a mucoid plaque of accumulated stuff. throughout life, it seems like the brain cells can accumulate thoughts and holograms and things that no longer serve us to actually absorb the proper nutrition of light perception of the moment. It's, we're not really hydrating with these new perceptions, because all the old stuff is encasing all the brain cells. And it's like this thought sound vibrations around the brain cells in the brain cells can't respond to new light, sound information. And then, in responding actually create appropriate action and response due to the correct impression. But the scary thing I wrote and I wrote a little Yikes. And I remember last time, when I started to have to take a Seroquel a couple of weeks ago, the video before my brain wouldn't fall asleep. I was saying, Oh, I thought of this scary thing, but it didn't scare me. But I still my brain got scared the next night. So I don't know if talking about this will be bad. I just don't want to scare my brain seems so sensitive. Like it just wants to sit with beautiful things. So to talk about things that aren't beauty gets a little bit scared and wants to run away from that. I was thinking about how we've been programmed to pre form our words, preform our sentences before we say them and while people are talking So we're programmed, and they're not even our words, they're coming from this collective matrix of sound scapes and sound programs that we've collected over time to respond, or react as our knee structure. So it's a bunch of recordings. And then I was thinking about how in science, they say, stuff happens in our brain. Before we do it, and before we're even conscious that we're going to do it. So something happens in the brain. And then we think that we're going to do that thing. So we think we thought the thing, and then that's why we did it. But it already happened in the brain before we were consciously aware that we thought it. So they're saying, like, Is there a free will. But so in a way, the program is responding for us. And it's using our brain and our neurology to respond. And it's already created the response before we know it, and we think that we thought it, but we're being thinked, our brains are being used. Science thinks it's this interesting phenomenon. But really, our brains are being used by these programs. And we're speaking as these programs. So again, it's more like language viruses. And so when we go beyond the program, and map consciousness, we can see these programs. And I feel like when we go beyond the programs, and we're living in beauty, and spontaneity, and all these other rich human dimensions, when we start to fall out of that, because we lose the energy of that. It's one of the ways that we react so violently, to, again, being dipped into thought, is that when we're in those clear spaces of perception, and everything's beautiful, we're very vulnerable and sensitive, and we're acting in the moment based on the beauty that we're perceiving. But when we start to run out of that energy of beauty, and we start to see the ugliness, we react very violently to this ugliness that society has created. So there's some beauty and when we're walking in so called mania, we're sort of seeing that and augmenting that. And it's creating the perception of that is creating new brain cells for that. So that's the blueprint. But it loses steam, I think partially because it's something that needs to be walked out with other people, is not something that is supposed to be a personal phenomenon, it's actually the opposite of that. But if one is only in it by oneself, at some point, it's bound to become something that seems personal. So I think there's definitely an importance in not making it personal. And one way to do that is to be there with someone else. And I was actually thinking today, it would be cool to create a house and live with people who can access this and actually live in a different way, and support each other in this non individualism and not allowing each other to make it into this personal energy and this personal thing, because it's, it's not and I think, going into it alone, is has a higher chance of making it personal. And I don't know if that's true, per se. I don't think that's true for everybody. I think some people manage to go through it and, and sort of a Biden an enlightened state. But I think for people who go on to map consciousness, and then are labeled as mental illness, to go back there safely, we might need each other somewhat. And I don't know if that's true, but it could be another experiment to create a house where people live together like that. Not necessarily a healing house, but just a living house. Do you want to create a respite center, but that would be a little bit different, maybe. So it just kind of freaked out my brain to really see holy crap. Like, we're basically just picking from this pool of recordings. And it's coming up as a reaction. Before we even know it, and it's like living through us. And no wonder after coming down from that consciousness, we're so in opposition to that because it's so fake. I feel like we get triggered out of mania by things that remind us of me. Or things that kind of hurt or past traumas or people being traumatized. And eventually, that vulnerability that is seeing the beauty in acting in the moment is turned back into some of one of the levels of thought, and it's usually not a good one, because the person is very vulnerable, and so can be pushed down to the lowest places in society, because they have no protection of this ego structure. And that's why I feel a family can be a trigger for this too, because family thinks that they know who we are. And when our brain mutates, and we're not really that same me, they can almost cause the mutation to reverse and go back to who we were before. And, and we don't want to go back to that. And then we act out in ways or whatever you want to call it. And then it's seen as symptoms of a mental illness, but really staying at the level of the means a mental illness and, and trying to transcend it with all the pressures of societies is, is a challenge. And that's why I think that it could be helpful to have more people supporting each other to keep these societal structures at bay. So in mania, so called mania brain, the state of seeing and acting, and it can take us on quite a journey and quite a tangent in relationship to one's current trajectory of life. And one can go on a tangent and then go 180 degrees the other way and perpendicular and all over the place. There's no reference to I should be doing this. And it's this time, so I should be doing that which is all functional societal programming, which has a certain place for sure. But with all that extra energy, one totally ignores those things. So we're seeing an acting in mania. And it also happens in so called psychosis, seeing and acting. And one when it goes back to the level of thought and sees the danger of any kind of thought structure, one acts and it is according to that level, which is usually fear, or anger, or all these different levels of the emotions. Actually, if you look at Dr. David Hawkins, scale of consciousness, all these lower levels, below the level of 200 are sort of the emotional reactions that can happen. And that's the level of consciousness. Whereas at the higher levels, then one acts in a different way. So I feel like mania is above the dimension of thought. It's like having one's head above the clouds, and then one dips back into thought, one is seeing seeing an acting, but based on scary stuff, all the thought structures are scary. And one sees when one goes above the level of thought, and dips back in, one sees everything as an emergency. Because above the level in mania, one seeing an acting, seeing and acting, and when we're in an emergency situation, a regular cautiousness person definitely goes into seeing an acting, but one is in seeing and acting when one is in map consciousness. So when one is in the level of thoughts in map consciousness, one sees the emergency of that, and people can see a prophesize where it's going to head if people keep operating at the level of thought. And it's absolutely terrifying and, and one's brain in a higher energy state, then in the level of thought, can extrapolate and associate all kinds of possibilities from this big matrix of thought structures. When one goes up to the level of mania and comes back down, one sees that the current level of society is an emergency situation. And that's where I don't want my brain to go right now. And I was thinking, I'm wondering if ecpr will be a psychoactive substance, that level of compassion that has healed me when that person came to me in the psych ward and, and just listened and with her energy. I think that space is one of the biggest healers and love and compassion are psychoactive substances, or psychoactive energies. And then another freaky thing thing I thought of was, what if language was a privilege. And if it was used wrongly, it could be taken away. Just like law, if you break the law, then someone might be punished. And this isn't even in terms of actual reward and punishment, it's just do we really have freedom of speech or freedom to use language however we want, and how we've used it, has created a lot of suffering and everything. And to me, it's just interesting that now it seems like language is a privilege, or not everybody is able to acquire language. So there's something to this whole, what are we doing with language? And and what is that doing to us, and what does that doing to the next generation, we have to think about humanity as a being as a totality together, not all these separate individuals. And we're actually weakened by the way we use language, the me and, and success and worry and stress, we're actually using language to weaken us. What's really destroying us is language and how we use that against ourselves and each other. And I think language and words could be seen as nutrition. And we need so much more nutrition to balance off all the stress we impose upon ourselves through these programs. And, and they've been imposed upon us through how we're raised and educated and, and the value systems were given and unwritten, over the natural value systems that are innate in our nervous system if it wasn't overwritten. And there's a current of language, there's a language scape. And I feel there's a wellspring of insight that can be given voice to in the moment. And this is a different way to use language, and to allow language to flow through us. So it's a current of insight language, which is something new. It's new in the moment without accumulating, and we become a voice of insight, which is wisdom in a way. And when this wisdom and insights which happens in the brain at first, it's kind of nonsensical, but it can be pruned. It's almost like an explosion of learning every second. And we need to prune our brain, every second, not just, oh, I grew up, I developed I prune my brain, I filled my brain with knowledge. And that's all I'm going to go by for the rest of my life plus or minus 1%. This is like 100% new each moment. And part of the trouble is actually starting to have a sense for how to speak this language in a way how to prune it in a way where it can still meet people. Because if I was talking about aliens and Stardust, and it might not be able to meet people on I don't even know if what I'm saying now has any sense of meeting people at all, but maybe that's part of the self dialog processes, talking and talking. So then my brain is heard enough insights to trust the process of insight. And part of what I've been learning lately is, is how to communicate with that. And it's been met with opposition for sure. I'll say something and people don't see what I'm saying. So I don't know if anyone will see what i'm saying with this. And it doesn't matter again, the particular thing it just matters that maybe if one can see what what I'm saying. One can see that one can start to see what one is saying for oneself. And together, not about right or wrong and all these false structures, but about seeing and perceiving in the moment. And the moment is always new. So if I say something about one moment or as a moment it's almost relevant the next moment. It's not about this is correct. It's about speaking as the moment and and having that take root in the brain and maybe finding other people who can speak as them moment to not as Oh, that doesn't sound right, that sounds wrong, that's bla bla bla bla like it's about the moment is always new, and getting one's brain in touch with that. And I would hope that other people who maybe have gone into that state spontaneously can get some of it back. Because it's really important to be able to speak in possibility. And speak in beauty and perception and infinity and quantum and all these other modes of using language as opposed to Past, Present future and all this sort of functional language and individual language to keep us separate, and accumulating our own crap. And I started watching a TED talk by Pietro Boselli. And he is an academic and model. And he is quite a beautiful man. But I didn't finish watching it yet, but I will. But he was talking about how learning in one domain helps one learn in another domain. And he started by saying that if a little girl was sitting down, and she had access to a big bunch of pencil crayons with colors, how she selected them would be a type of fitness of colors. And I was thinking that her perception her looking at the colors, is what selects for the colors. It's not some blank process, it's not closing one's eyes and selecting at random. It's looking at what one considers beautiful, and selecting for that. And this goes along with what Dr. Bruce Lipton said years ago, which is perception rewrites DNA. And he has a talk called the Biology of Belief, which I think is even better than his book, Biology of Belief. And I watched both. And he talks about epigenetics, and how he even said in the talk, there's something called genetic engineering genes where there's genes that know how to write new genes if needed for survival. So he gave an example of putting a type of bacteria in a test tube with a type of medium that was poisonous to the bacteria and it should all die, they do not have the genes, the proteins are anything to process this material and not be poisoned by it. But they found that when they did that, there was actually some that survived. And then they check the DNA and the bacteria had created the DNA needed to create the protein needed to digest and process this poison as food. Even saying that now to myself, I wasn't planning to go there. But I wonder if a person who operates on perception, the level of perception, sort of above and beyond have a different quality of just the thought structures and being programmed. If one can see the thought structures and actually use them as food, I guess. Which would be maybe, that this perception has a level of compassion, whatever that means, but compassion needs something to be compassionate about. Or, like, if everything was perfect in the world, there would be no concept of compassion. But there is this thing called compassion. And I think that's another fundamental factor, I haven't really extrapolated very much, but maybe I will now because going ecpr is definitely something about compassion for other people and and maybe in a way, seeing suffering as thought. Perception can sense just to be spacious and hold compassion for that. And maybe in a way, it sort of dissolves that without anyone really knowing what happened. It's sort of a different thing beyond trying to fix Or just seeing that something sounds like it needs some healing and just being that healing space. And I actually remember, I don't really talk too much about Dr. de Mol, but I did study with him temporarily. And when he was here, well, when he was where I live, and he, I remember he says, you become a healing force, just by your look, you heal things. And so sometimes things that he said, pop into my awareness. And I'm not really sure, actually something I'd like to do one day is go and see him and kind of thank him for things. But I'm not sure if I'll do that. And when seems like I've put several levels of possibilities out there for the future. But he also said something about, I don't remember where what talk, but he said, I know it sounds kind of schizophrenic, but it will have to do for now. So to me, it was a clue that this thing that is called mental illness is actually part of the program. So the level of thought would see it as mental illness, but people who have been labeled and have different contexts for it, see it in a different way, but still kind of play the role of having a mental illness because it's pretty hard to avoid. If one just denies it, then sometimes it can make it worse, perhaps, but I don't really want to go into that now. But Dr. Jamal has just said a few things that just made me realize that it's all kind of part of the design. I won't go there now, because it's freaky brain territory. So perception selects for DNA and genes and creates genes, rights genes. So I feel like we don't have enough beauty genes in our body. And if we perceive beauty, then we can start to see more and more beauty. Like this morning, I was walking through a room. And I just looked over, and there was the weirdest looking but again, my peripheral vision just picked it out, wasn't that I was staring at that one point on the ground. It was in the whole perceptual field. And it being there. That thing, that insect, that thing of wonder and curiosity that I wasn't wondering about, it didn't know whatever existed. It picked out that new, beautiful, interesting, fascinating thing. And my head moved to look at it, so it was picked out in my perceptual field. And then that moved my head. So perception caused my head to move towards that interesting thing. Not Oh, I'm looking for this and looking for that and just going like this with blinders on. And so I'll share a picture of it because it was really weird looking. So I feel like we need more beauty DNA. So part of my job as a manic is to see beauty and, and my perceptual field, the whole field, which is part of what creates genes, because if one is focused on thought, all the stress genes and things are being activated and and recreated. But if one is relaxed in their perception, and let the whole field select for something, when I look at that thing, it creates something in my brain to actually witnessed that insect which most people would walk by and not even see or if they did see it, they would just squash it. So so it's different that way. So there's something about the perception of thought, stuff. That is sort of ugliness and having compassion for it and maybe in the compassion for that maybe that can actually make it beautiful somehow. Like it can maybe be food for perception. When right now it feels like poison like can the brain that's gone above the clouds in a way too. That other dimension can one come back in a way and, and use those thought things as food like, with one I want to do when I go back home is create compassion and, and psychological safety. So in order to do that one needs people with suffering thoughts and the objective in a way is to, to diminish that suffering, but in a way the suffering is food for the compassion. It's kind of this weird way to think about it, but I'm trying to find a way because I do know that I will be to see maybe if I can just be there and listen without judging even those thoughts structures, then maybe there's something that does something. Because when, because how I've shared that some things that I've said have been met with quite opposition, because I'll say something about maybe something beautiful and people can see it, they'll be like, well, that just sounds like you know, you're painting a picture or creating formula, but I actually do see those might show that in a way. And being here in California would do seeing more beauty because there's just more beauty around and I can be outside more and, and stuff like that. So I think that's part of how I like to be is outside more. And I wrote a couple things down about designed for when I go back home. But I better in this video. And I think I'll make another one cuz I haven't even got to anything I wrote down today except for that thing about Pietro and haven't listened to his whole talk, but I will because he was saying the word algorithm and genetic algorithm related to engineering. So I'm talking about the word algorithm loose loosely because I don't really know what it means exactly. I could find out but that would probably just create this long extrapolation. So I'll wait to do that a little bit longer. Maybe beauty and train you
So again, thinking about language, I was thinking about how it seems there's certain words that reinforce the me and reinforce the separate sense of self. Like say the word should, should creates the meat sort of a measurement against the structures of society. And it's better or worse, good, bad. time trying to become something better. So there are these words that reinforce the me which wouldn't be a part of the language of infinity and oneness and beauty and quantum. And again, saying I should have done something is saying that there is an active Well, when really, if we're in relaxed perception, there's no will there's just awareness and action based on awareness, which feels spontaneous, and adequate. And somebody mentioned that. There's this weightiness, and I was thinking that the weight is the movement of the non movement of thought. So when we think we usually it makes us sort of second guess ourselves. We don't just act. And so when we second guess, or we're kind of thinking and deciding, it actually creates a contraction in our muscles and our nervous system. And I've talked about this before. And I feel in a way, that's kind of how matter is created because the thoughts create a neurological and chemical response in the body that sort of changes the whole structure of everything. And it makes us more dense, and it makes us heavier. So there's this non movement that we're always adjusting to, instead of just being in this natural flux and flow of the universe, which people who have gone into map consciousness know all about, you don't have to explain or guess or wonder if it's there, it's there. experientially, it's the difference between being a scientist studying quantum physics and having a brain that is operating based on quantum physics. So the weight is the non movement of the muscles in the nervous system, because the thought structures of should shouldn't, can can't, or are warping it. So it weighs down the nervous system. And I wonder if there can be a lightness when the light of perception is allowed to run through the nervous system and just be the nutrition for it and be very fluid. And that's what happens in mania. So I already know what's possible. So the light is running through the system instead of sound. Sound comes out of the system, but it comes out based on the light of perception. There's no extra sound in the nervous system. And memory is, is a dirty nervous system. And what I've learned in terms of what I need when I go back is beauty as a nature, and other things, organic food, and to help the food store money to just buy healthy food and not have to eat junk all the time. I want to be good to my body again. Silence, nobody clanking things, or hearing TVs or traffic noise, but also a place to sing and play loud music. So not thinking oh, I can be noisy because this person will be bothered. So those are some of the things I think I need. A question came up about. We aren't separate individual me's. So then what do we do? And I think the answer is that it's an action. It's not a concept. It's not a formula. When we really perceive oneness, we act as that. And so we're not acting according to programs, and we're acting as a mirror. So we can sense what's going on and act according to that. So what actions are universal? And can one exist in the universal? And so it's not a thought, but it's a perception. And I wonder what would we be doing about things if we were thinking together and acting together? Not as separate Individuals? And can we move on perception and not this illusion of choice? Which is the program's sort of life make choices? Or does it perceive an act, and we're all individuals choosing based on this thought sphere, when I feel like there's other spheres, there's a beauty sphere and a perception sphere. And even if we can't feel like we're, one, we're all acting on the same Gaia. So we all have the same canvas. So anything we do on this canvas, directly or indirectly affects somebody else. We're rearranging matter in consciousness. It seems like there's this butterflies fear in terms of the butterfly effect, and we're not seeing it. And I feel like in so called psychosis, we do connect with that, because we see what thought does and what we've done and what we're doing as humanity and we feel like oh, my God, look what I'm doing. There is this sense of complete oneness, but some of it can be scary, too. But that's also part of learning, because by seeing that, one can see what not to do. One can see why not just in terms of words and explanations, but actual in touchiness, and we're all borrowing from the thoughts fear and the matter sphere, are sort of like volunteers on Earth. But can we create, can we create new sounds and insights, and somebody mentioned something about, if I lose my individuality, somebody else will come in and control me. So we're afraid to lose that. And I was thinking about how it's remapped consciousness, we lose our individuality, we lose our boundaries are boundless, and then we're dancing and playing and, and, and living in that energy for a while. And then when we go through the so called psychosis, instead of being received compassionately, we do have people coming in and controlling our lives. And in a lot of people's cases, their life might be controlled for the rest of their life. So what this person said was kind of true in a way, because the universe can come in and make us lose our individuality. And there's a real importance in journeying together and starting to say otherwise, because just one person seeing it isn't enough. And the mirror neurons are always calculating, even if we think we have this freewill of thought. So every time we choose something, and our body tenses up, because it wasn't a living response to the moment, it was some kind of program that can never fully adequately respond to the moment. It's messing with our physiology and our body and contorting us ever so slightly. So with these programs, we think they're good and efficient and everything, but they're not because they are damaging our system. So the nervous system in the body always knows. And in terms of this language of beauty, we always say I this and I that and I'm wondering if there's a way to instead always have the eye as a reference point, but to have this non local reference point of beauty. So for example, when I was walking in that room, and I saw that interesting bug. And I could say I saw a bug. But in a way the bug saw me because perception picked it out like I wasn't looking for the bug. So to start with the element of beauty first, like all of a bug that perception selected for not this I like there's no i there. And the way we speak makes it seem like there is but if we spoke based on what we're perceiving, first putting the perception or the beauty or the richness or the off first. Something about the space being filled with all based on this. perception was just something that perception picked out. It's more like insect in awareness or insect perception picked up or insect perception picked out insect perception picked out beauty. So it's about the insect that perception picked out. And there was the sense of beauty. But not really like I saw this bug. And it was interesting. Because when there's no center of eye thinking, that's when perception, the field of perception can pick out things. For us. It's kind of like, if we're on our phone, and we go to a website, and then later, we're on our phone again, and there'll be an advertisement for something that was on the website we were on recently. Because the algorithm knows that you were on that. So maybe you're going to buy from there. So we're going to put that back on the screen. So you might buy it, because you already showed that you wanted that. So in the same way, in reality, this whole screen of awareness that we have this whole vast field of perception by being relaxed and letting beauty select for itself, it just keeps selecting for that. But when we're thinking certain things, we're always selecting for things related to our thoughts. So then we think well think better thoughts. But those are still within the level of the programming because we can only think something within the level of the programming, we're never going to be thinking I want to see this really bizarre looking bug that I've never seen before. Yet, if we're thinking something else, we're not going to see the really bizarre looking bug. So to not think anything and be empty, allows for the whole screen to go from Beauty, to beauty, to beauty, to beauty to beauty and something always different and rich. And the thing was saying perception, picked out a perception grasped or perception, something. It also shows that anyone could have seen that I could be looking at it and say that somebody else could say that as well because they can see it too. And in a way that's about speaking as the moment speaking as something in the moment, and not of like something that happened yesterday, which is I experienced blah, blah, blah. There could be another sentence that says something about a different beautiful thing to somebody else, after being prompted by this beautiful insect to actually augment the beauty of the moment. Maybe we need to speak about nature more. And I have a passage that I want to read from Krishna Murty that talks about if you have no relationship with a tree, not just as a name and a botanical chunk of knowledge, then you can't have relationship with anything. or sensitivity to anything. And I was thinking about how we have this small sliver of experience and consciousness called freewill that we call freewill. And the rest of it is subconscious or part of the intelligence of life. Like the beating of our heart, we don't have to think beat beat beat for to beat. But we have this very small little bit of suppose it freewill. And I think that's actually the slice of the virus. I think this freewill is a virus. And it's like this very small, viral chunk of reality that is just in structures of language that makes us think that we have free will. And maybe because we think we think we have free well. And maybe that and maybe that phrase, I think therefore I am is actually correct. The thinking creates the eye, which is the separation. It's more like I think therefore I have an ego. I think therefore my ego is or I think therefore the ego is when it thinks it has free well by thinking. But I think this thinking is a virus and this virus that keeps us disconnected with society and creates human beings to be like viruses on the planet destroying everything. And I've come to this point a few times is like well we choose if there is any choice will we what we choose to not Choose what we see what we're doing. And we think it's free will but it's not because it can towards us and warps our nervous system and poisons us with cortisol. So every act of freewill is actually contributing to our own destruction Free Will acting separately from others. It's like this small slice of reality, it says little frequency, it's this frequency of language and sound and how we're using it, to destroy ourselves and separate ourselves from that which we are not separate. And trying to break life down into all these individual little component parts. When the perception of the hole is what creates life, so you can't break it into bits, and then think it means anything.
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Last night, I again took to Seroquel to go to sleep. And I didn't go to sleep until like one o'clock because I was up editing all the videos I made when I was totally dulled out. Yet somehow I managed to make five videos. And then when I was editing, I took notes. I thought I would just be dull and be able to just edit things and not really see anything else that I wanted to say. But that didn't happen to be true. So maybe my body's adapting to being dulled out a little bit, I don't know. So it's interesting, since I was able to prevent this from going into any full blown crisis, which I'll never know if it was going to. But I stopped it earlier than last time. Unless this was just a warning sign, and then there's bigger and worse stuff to come. I don't know, I hope that's not the case. So hopefully, I've gotten to a point where I can modulate this and regulate this experience of this process happening. And I feel like if I was able to be supported through it, I might be able to just have my consciousness die back and then come out of it. Okay, but I can't really chance that right now. Maybe that would be a cool thing to make videos about. In the future when I have a supported environment, if possible. It might be kind of scary, but it would be interesting in a way to see what it's like when consciousness dies into itself. And sometimes I get this sense that this happens, because I was supposed to die years ago, and I sort of escaped death. I'm not sure how it works. That's not something I want to consider thinking about right now. And two days ago, I forgot to mention that it was nine months of self dialog. And also, it was the 200th video on that list of videos. So 200 videos in nine months. Right now, where am I at? I'm just really feeling like I want to get to emotional CPR, I booked a hotel room I booked a rental car. And I'm having this sense that it's one of those things where I get to the upper limit of how far I can go. And and then have to sort of start again. And I'm kind of realizing what I'm saying that that I'm not sure what that AI is trying to accomplish. Maybe the I can only go so far. And then the rest is up to something else. Or consciousness goes that far and then has to come back and start again, like dying a number of times in life. It's like wiping the brain clean. But then there is some sense of memory of self. And it might not even be stored in the brain. It might just be stored in the body or stored as knowing that there's some kind of recognition of who one is. I don't even know where to begin in terms of talking about my notes. I took 25 pages of notes between last night and today. And it's strange because often, when I have an insight into something, it feels like wow. Not like that's it or anything. But it just keeps going. It just keeps going and going and going. Like I could talk to myself, forever. And I was listening to an interview, or a talk with Dr. Daniel Siegel today on a neuroscience online summit. And it was very fascinating talk. I really like his work. And I made a bunch of notes and extrapolations that I want to talk about. But one thing he said at the end of the interview was that we are nature and we are each other. So I always find it fascinating when people say these things. That is something, someone who is in so called mania or psychosis might say, and they're saying it from an actual felt sense. experience that they're touching and tasting in that moment. Yet, if that person is different than usual, and having other traits of certain so called symptoms, then they're called mentally ill and really to, to me, it seems like their mind and their brain is touching something beyond. And people will say those things intellectually. And they're saying them based on maybe physics or, or different scientific theories that Oh, yes, there's this oneness, or maybe they've, or maybe they've had a tiny taste of it. But some of us have been immersed in it. And since we're not used to that mode of operating, it can't last as it is right now. And then when we come back, we're like fried. And instead of being cared for, we're called mentally ill. And it's just a bit bothersome that. All these amazing researchers aren't quite piecing this together. And a lot of times, I think it's because they've never been there. They're researching this state. And these places, and these physiological things, and neuroplasticity, and all these things. But they've never been in that state where all cylinders are firing in all areas at the same time. And, and what that's like, and I just want to say, for the sake, talking to myself sake, that he was mentioning stuff about integration and how integration is linking the differentiated areas of say, the brain, and how people in bipolar disorder. They're having a problem with those linkages. And so they're not integrated, and they're not integrating. And I would say that there's something more to that. And I don't know for sure, but I have the sense that if the brain is catapulted into a different dimension, one that is based on oneness, and all these other principles and laws of life that we don't operate on, on a daily basis. If that consciousness is a consciousness of we and I'm not separate, and I don't feel myself separate at all, then to me, it makes sense that that brain would become disintegrated in terms of the me and the separate self. So the current supposedly integrated state of the brain is of this self sufficient individual ego and that's the vantage point. So if somebody goes into this world of oneness, and synchronicity the brain is trying to integrate into something else. And it fails when it comes back down. And then people have regular consciousness say, oh, you're, you're bipolar or you're schizophrenic or something. The brain doesn't want to integrate into this society. The current integration and healthy brain is healthy in the context of this unhealthy society. So to me, what he's saying with that doesn't quite make sense. I think that if one of those supposed disintegrated brains, was invited into dialogue, and to actually share their perspective of what it's like to go to that other world, to have that brain state, then in talking with people who haven't been there, there might be some common ground. And there'll be an integration between people that have been there and people who haven't. And that would bridge both brains to be able to integrate up to a different level of seeing and being that isn't necessarily completely all the other world. But it's not just this one. And people would love to have those conversations, but any of those conversations are always being received as this is pathological. Yet, an integrated brain in this current level of consciousness, or a somewhat a little bit higher can say, oh, we're one and we're one with nature? Well, we sure are. And I've felt that and I've been that. And maybe back here, when the brain comes back here, it's blown apart in disappointment, that other people can't see it and feel it too. And be there too, with that person. So the brain has to come back here and it basically falls apart. And then it's all recovery back into integrating into this crummy society. So there's a little bit something missing there. And he mentioned that some researchers found that things like bipolar and schizophrenia, demonstrated impaired integration. And I think that when we go into map consciousness, and transconsciousness, our brain goes into a state of integrating with the whole as the whole. So we're integrating nature. We're actually becoming one with nature, and we are one with nature. And to be one with nature. The current integration circuits have to disintegrate. So I feel like we have a brain state that is integrated when it's in that level of consciousness. But we'll never be measured when we're in those levels of consciousness. Because how can a person who's not in that level of consciousness even see what's happening there? And he also said, What's important is that every mechanism of regulation that we could look for, we couldn't find a single piece of evidence to go against the following statement, that neural integration is the essential mechanism beneath the regulation of anything we could look for. And I wonder, what about what you can't look for. And I do agree that neural integration is key. But what I'm wondering is that, in that state of say, so called mania, something else is being integrated beyond. So somebody is in a very high state hyper learning, very active doing things and like a kid again, that's changing the brain in lots of ways, and then when we come back to regular consciousness, the brain seems disintegrated. Well, it's actually just become non adaptive to the current structure of society, which is actually the point of map consciousness to see a better world that's existing right now, which is a different brain, state and brain traits. And we could have those brain states and traits if they weren't received as crazy. It's difficult to put into words the flavor of what I'm feeling about that. It's like going to this other state Southern world and knowing that one's brain is now adapted for that world. And when it comes back to this world, it's difficult to operate. It's like walking in poison. So why would the brain want to reintegrate into this poison world and being okay with it, because it's not okay in comparison with what we've seen. So our brain has gone beyond integration. It's disintegrated to the me. And everything in recovery is to get this me back and functional and integrated. To move about as an individual and society, well, maybe there's a higher level of organization. And I've been there. But it seems that the brain is not quite completely adapted to that world. And it's definitely not wanting to reintegrate into this world. So it's in this mode of balancing between the two. And we go up to the other world, just enough to allow the mind to create that world through us. And we come down to this world, just enough to let the mind continue to create this world, this crappy world that we all share. Because if the brains really went up to that other world, the lower world would fall apart. So really, were the links to this other world. We've already seen, and it's one already, not intellectually, but actually. So we're, in a way, the neuro plastic humans that are reaching into that other world with our brains, and it's pulling us up there. But we fall back down and we need some compassion, not being said that we're defective, and we can't integrate. We're holding the two worlds together. Because if it gets to a point, where the mind no longer wants to hold the two worlds together, the so called integrated world of people walking around feeling like they're separate, is going to implode. It doesn't take much to disintegrate and a supposedly integrated mind, just like was mentioned with the open system and then nonlinear and the tendency towards chaos. Well, that's what happens to people who go into altered states like mania and psychosis. The only difference is that when that happens, on a mass scale, people who have already gone there will be used to it. And then all the so called integrated people won't be so in my mind, the integrated people need to learn from these so called dysfunctional disintegrated people. They're dysfunctional because they're half walking in a world of oneness. And they're tripping over this crappy society. And yes, we are nature. And when we destroyed too much of the differentiated, complex nature that holds everything together, it will release a terror of thoughts so awful, that we won't know what hit us. Because we're destroying nature's complexity, and diversity. I shouldn't say stuff like this, but I can see how easily it would happen. Thought is supposed to be a helpful tool for human beings to share energy and information flow, to create, to celebrate and to preserve complexity and diversity of the Gaia sphere. Not just humans. But now we've used it to own things and create these means the separate me's. And these means that want to cling and accumulate things while people starve, and diversity gets destroyed. And we wonder why kids are being born with brains that can't integrate any of this shit, because none of it's worth integrating. And we've hit a critical point where the diversity of nature has been destroyed too much to the point where now, unfortunately, consciousness can even enter the human body properly. The energy and information flow of thought and knowledge can enter the human brain, our most prized possession, now children can't even absorb it. So what value is it? So if the mind uses the brain to create itself, the mind sees through the brain and sees through the eyes. And it doesn't like what it sees. It's trying to get humans to see things beyond just the me and personal thought complexes. The mind sees what's happening to the whole mind, to the whole manifest mind, the unmanifest mind sees the manifest mind and modifies the body to gesture in a different way to act upon the mind to regulate it. The brain must disintegrate from the me in order to integrate nature and relationship. If one doesn't become a nature mystic, seeing the beauty and value of nature, he will attempt suicide. Well, I think that's enough angry messages for one day. I don't need to get myself all worked up. But it's okay. Because I can just poison my brain into being some semblance of myself or so integrated into the world of thought of me my knowledge, my there's my that. We don't know there's another faculty of the brain beyond that, which is intelligence. Thought is the intellect but it's not intelligence, and intelligence integrate something else. And maybe intelligence is what disintegrates. The so called normal integration of the brain that is actually just neurotic. We're disintegrated from nature. And if the mind uses the brain to create itself, it's going to use thought to destroy the me. And the me is just thought. But the trouble is that when thought tries to destroy the me and one is strongly tied to that, when might think that they need to end their life. And I think map consciousness is the energy of integrating the mind. And people who go into map consciousness need to be supported to integrate the mind. And one way we can help integrate the mind is to talk about experiences of the mind. And he talked about a definition of energy. He said, the movement from possibility to actuality through a series of probabilities. And I wrote down that's what mania is. Everything feels possible and that becomes actual through a series of probabilities. But the trouble is that when one is in that state of possibility, and moving it into actuality, as time goes on, the probability increases that one will be called insane. Because a person in that state appears crazy to the mechanical mind. So there needs to be some kind of dialogue with mechanical minds to understand this life, process of the mind, and let it know that it's not pathological, and that it needs to be supported. Because it's actually an integration beyond the current integration. But it's being held back by the current level of integration that thinks that it's healthy. That other world is moved by love and how do we increase the probability of getting to that world moved by love and not by thought? Where we move with the world as the world and not as an abstraction
And then Dr. Daniel Siegel, who I think is a genius, but has never been in the map conscious state. In a way, I guess I would like to integrate, and link. I respect everything he's graded. But I would like to create a differentiation and linkage to include other perspectives of so called bipolar and schizophrenia as just mental illnesses. When I feel like we have gone beyond even what he has created in his research, and then when we come back, it's like a burnt out light bulb with sort of fried our circuits, but and he said, that knowing of consciousness may come when the energy position is in this plane of possibility. So I feel like he's saying awarenesses and possibility, well, that's what happens in map consciousness, we are very aware of possibility and that so much as possible, it's a shift from thought to possibility. And then he said, in the plane of possibility, you reach down into infinity, time disappears. And it's a state that's basically the same for all of us, which is like oneness. And really, with what he's saying, he could have a label of a mental illness. Yet, because he's a researcher, he can get away with it. But if somebody else came and said those things and said, I actually experienced that, then they'd likely just get a label of a mental illness. So I just find it very contradictory to say certain things intellectually, you have people who are saying it experientially, are getting labeled. And it makes sense that if somebody goes into that state, or time disappears, it feels infinite. There's possibilities, there synchronicity, the brain is going to change. And maybe it changes to such an extent that when it comes back down from the state, it's disintegrated. It's like putting 100 watts through a 50 watt bulb. And he talks about practicing states to become traits. And I think I talked about that before. And it's the same with mania. One can practice the manic state, even if they're not in that state for those gestures to become traits. And then, when it's actually tied into the neurology of the body in the brain, then one can handle that energy when it comes back again. And he mentioned how Einstein said that the self is an optical delusion of consciousness. Well, that's definitely so. But I've been to the place where it's not an optical delusion, that the self is an optical delusion, it's experienced that there is no self. Actually, I think that when a person goes there, their brain totally changes. And then when they come back from that state, when their brain sort of loses the energy and isn't able to maintain that state anymore, because it's not practiced. It's something new. Then when one comes back, one doesn't really speak the language in the way that it's spoken here, and then they sound odd. And then, because they're not talking properly, they are diagnosed with something. And then he said, other people are us. The planet is an extension of our body. Now, that all sounds very psychotic to me, yet, I know what he's saying is true. Because I've felt it. I feel like if he was to take a group of people labeled with bipolar and say, all these fascinating statements, people would say, yeah, so that's Yeah, that's true. yet nobody will listen to the suppose of crazy people and they say stuff like that. I think crazy people could come up with a lot of interesting stuff that wouldn't take 20 years of research. Because when we're in that state of oneness, we are the researcher, we can just see it with our own eyes. So really, people who go into those ultra states and get labeled are actually researchers of the mind, the mind sent us to that other dimension to see it an experience and feel it and bring that information back. And those insights back, but those insights are called symptoms. Or how we feel when we're being re acclimated to this linear and logical reality that we supposedly live in here. We're supposed to be helping them, because they exist in the level of thought, and we went into the mind and intelligence. But we keep quiet, because that's the compassionate thing to do. And he said, Be an integrator find chaos and rigidity. And there's a lot of that defined in the mental health system. So maybe I'm a mental health integrator. And he mentioned that we're telling kids a lethal lie, that the self is a separate thing. And yet, the same kids who bought that lie, who somehow 15 or 20, or 25 years later, see that it was a lie, and go into the no self state, are pulled back to themselves, by society in the mental health system. So there's those of us who do see through the lie. But then we're given another lie that were mentally ill for seeing it. And he mentioned an example of right and left brain not being integrated. And he said, why not give people an opportunity to see their living with half a brain. And I feel like people who go into map consciousness can help. Other people see that they're not living with their whole brain and their intelligence, and their wakefulness activated, we're not living with our full potential of our brain. Nevermind this half brain, left, right. And all these other ways to integrate the brain. I feel like the mind can integrate the brain in a second. It can push the brain into that other world. And I feel like mania is a journey into being more integrated with go along this path that the mind pushes us along, and we become more and more not the me. And when we become not me, and we have no protection of the me, we rely on other people and the world. When that happens, relying on people and the world, with the world as it is, one can't last in that state. So when does get collapsed back into an ego, the protection goes back up. And when it does, it's really scary. It feels like death, it feels like dying from that innocence of not having this me self, to having that reinstalled painfully. So look outward, have insight and be born into the real world. And I wonder if we can strengthen the manic circuits, the manic sense areas of the brain, I feel like that functionality is something beyond anything that has been really defined. And it's probably undefinable. And as soon as one tries to define it, it's gone. Because the one that tries to define something is defined and how can the defined define the undefinable It's impossible. And I've been thinking about science and how the gold standard is really to repeat an experiment and have it verified by other people are so obsessed with repetition and memory and, and, and proving and stuff. When, if we drop that what is there there's an ever changing flux and flow of a perception. And when it's clear, and not muddied by the second guessing and wanting repetition and proof of something that can never be repeated. Then there's just living I feel like we all have our brain trained in terms of science, like, we have this objective observation. And that we can repeat things. But by thinking that way, it makes it seem like there is objective observation. And that things can be repeated. So we're actually confirming that by setting up science that way, when if we didn't think that way. Maybe it wouldn't be true. All right, what I'm trying to say, in a way is that we're so muddied up with so many things that we think we need to verify and repeat things, for it to be true. But if we were truly clear, and one and connected with intelligence, we would see it with our own eyes. We wouldn't have to look elsewhere for verification of something. We would live in possibilities. We would live as energy and possibility not wanting to confirm stuff for what are more obsessed with repetition, then just rhythm. When we can see rhythm and relationship, then we flow with it, we don't mechanically repeat stuff. But turned ourselves into robots of thought, and we're trying to break out of that the mind is trying to break us out of that. We're in this invisible cage of sounds reverberating through our nervous system and controlling us when we think that because we can sort of steer a little bit with thought that we're living. And somebody asked a question about, he had nine levels of integration. And the last one was kindness. And they said, if you just do kindness, won't it sort of integrate all those lower levels? Something towards that effect? And he said, Yes. And I was thinking about how in mania, we're very altruistic and kind. And I think the traits of mania integrate the brain in so many ways, without having to practice it becomes part of daily life. And daily life integrates the brain, through the gestures, and all those things that I've talked about. thinking there's a me there that's going to be integrating stuff is counterproductive. Because, above all, that there's the no self, state. So why reinforce this meeting? There could be some value, but I think it's just limited. And I think actually, the real integration is, with a lot of the manic traits of wanting to dance and saying and being spontaneous without trying is just how one is one celebrating like we did as children. And that's the really integrated state that's not mechanical, it's living. The integration is trying to break down the mechanical illness. So being playful, and the manic traits I think, would integrate beyond, and he mentioned the word neural perception. So I made up a word, my perception, which is mmap map perception Which is mind action potential or mind action possibilities. The mind has a certain action potential, it potentially ate certain actions and gestures and playfulness that is something way beyond practice. There's no one there to practice is just is just your state. And in Ken Wilber terms it would be about making that state a stage. And that's why embodying one's mania is important. Again, our brains aren't integrating because it integrated into something else. All of those structures in the brain that integrate memory or integrate this or integrate that they're all structures of a me they're all structures of a scarred human being. kids aren't born with those all filled up with memories and junk. And when one is in mania, one doesn't need that information. And so it just blows apart. And then we come back from that state and we're not allowed to talk about it. We'd love to talk about all of our experiences if we weren't being looked at with the pathological lens. And the only way for a brain that is disintegrated from returning from mob consciousness, to integrate is unconditional love and not judgment, because unconditional love and oneness is what the brain is now attuned to. So people regular consciousness people can show that and be that then allows the brain that safety, to share what it needs to share in order to have dialogue with regular consciousness people in order to allow them to see that other world that all their years of science is a very slow process compared to what would happen if people just listened to people gone there. And listening to people who have gone there is no rocket science. Just takes listening and care and attention.
So I just got my bottle of hearty nutritional supplements in the mail. And it's a really big bottle. And I'm just about to take the first one, it's evening time. And the first three doses, you just take one and then the next day, you take two and blah, blah, blah, up to four at a time, three times a day. And they were saying that in about three weeks, I might need to reduce some medication, but it varies depending on the person. So I need to watch out for side effects of medication because the stuff could make me have side effects as the medications become unnecessary. And I was really hoping to do this at home when I was back home, but I'm experiencing things and I'm slowing it down with extra medication. Last night, I took to Seroquel. And I was laying there for a while. And I couldn't quite fall asleep. And interestingly enough, I felt this energy kind of at my root chakra area. And it felt like it was kind of swirling around. And I had this sense that it was that Kundalini energy they talk about. And it just started moving around. And I thought to myself, Oh, no, you don't like not now. And so I took another Seroquel. So I have a feeling that since the process this time didn't really start and then get medicated, it just sort of barely got initiated. And I took medication knowing that I don't want it to go into full force. But it feels like it's still wanting to go to some kind of peak, but I'm not letting it. And I'm not sure what the result will be. Because I don't feel kind of like last time and other times I've gone to the hospital where it's basically gone into full blown, whatever you want to call it. Crisis distress, so called psychosis, whatever, PTSD. But this time I stopped it. So in a way, it's good. It's like a next step where I haven't let it get out of hand, I've put the handle on it. But in a way, when it gets out of hand, it sort of comes to a peak and then plateaus and then drops off. But I feel like I'm in the space where I'm preventing the peak. And I've never really been there before, except for maybe preventing little peaks, building up to the big peak where, basically I guess what happens is I lose control. And not that I'm out of control, because I'm actually in control. But there's an element inside, whether it's scary stuff inside that I'm not in control of and it's just sort of there and running its course and it's terrifying. And I just don't want to get into that absolutely terrified state. But in a way, I feel like if I keep just stopping it, I'm gonna have to continue to drag myself. But maybe with the help of these supplements, I won't need to do that. So again, even though I've experienced crisis five times this one is somewhat different. And again, I thought that I would have a good five and a half to six months before anything started. So here I am, in California, in the exact scenario that my family was afraid of, and I didn't think would happen. But luckily I can keep myself safe. I haven't really told anyone and there's no one really to tell too much too. But I've told one of my friends back home and they are prepared to come and escort me home. But I really want I get to ecpr. In April, I booked a hotel for one night to go to the class. And I just really want to get a sense of if it's going to be helpful. And it's interesting because I found myself in a situation where I really wish I was surrounded by people who know this emotional CPR. And and I wish I just wish I could let go of this energy. And let it do what it needs to do. I feel like this time, I almost wish I could just go into that terrifying this and, and because once it starts, then it comes to an end after a couple of days, and then I'm okay. But this time I seem to have stopped it from happening. And now I know it's still there. It's not like, Okay, got to the worst point. And now it's only gonna get better. I'm just afraid that it's still gonna come out. And that, I guess I'll have to go through it somewhat alone. And interestingly enough, after my last crisis that I got through without my family and community, so wonderfully, I said, Maybe next time, I'll just do it by myself and not tell anyone. And now I'm in the situation where I might end up having to do that. So I've been wearing my heart rate monitor. And I'll wear it to sleep to see if my heart rate speeds up, because that's what happens. And I'm not really afraid of it for myself, I'm just afraid of it for the situation that I'm in. And I I did sort of say to myself that if there was any sign of anything, I would make my way home right away. And so even in staying here, these two more days, so far I've gone against that, that just don't want to I don't really want to cut it short. So I really I'm just so hopeful that this supplement helps me because if it doesn't, I might just have to go home or continue to really drag myself with Seroquel. Which is fine, but it's difficult to get through the day. And again, it feels like I'm trying to stop the thing from happening versus just get through the fallout. And it feels kind of scary because of that. So I guess if I can get through the next couple of weeks and go to ecpr if I have to go home after that, I guess I have to but the thing is too is that I could allow myself to go into that state and just get over it and take a week to get over it. And then just continue on. I just feels like Time is running out. Like I'm trying to hold myself up against a force that I'm not sure what it is and I just really hope this stuff helps. And I was always thinking that it would be cool to document coming off medications. But I didn't know I'd be forced into a scenario of doing it. Of a sort of desperation and I have my and I have my zap strap kit I've been carrying with me with extra Seroquel and that way I can always Secure myself to something. And I have my medical ID bracelet that I'm wearing. And I just really hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories that I end up not making it. And then my videos are discovered. And then people are like, wow, too bad we didn't have more helpful services for people to get through this stuff. I really want to get through it and be able to help people because the medications are helpful, but they're also not helpful. There's like the tiniest little caterpillar I've ever seen. See it. I was thinking today if there was just going from looking at hummingbirds to looking at the next thing to the next thing. Infinite delights outwardly, we'd never have this experience of inward anything. Like the tiny caterpillar. I didn't know. I didn't know caterpillars could be that small. Today is a hummingbird really close he was flying and drinking out of all the little flowers. There's so much beauty. I feel like I need to practice some of the things I've talked about, like posture and things like that, to make sure that I don't get crushed by this. Gonna go so I'm gonna take one of these pills. And, and that's the thing I get so confused. I forgot I could take more trazadone instead of more Seroquel. And so tonight, I'm going to take more trazadone to try and get a good sleep and keep this energy at bay. And I was even thinking that I wish that I could have a retreat with Shawn Blackwell because I think after the Kundalini thing happens, there's holotropic breathwork that happens naturally. I actually remember that sort of what happened the very first time it was like this energy that made me pretty much collapse and just lay there and breathe. And it's kind of a scary process to lay there and breathe like that. So bottoms up good documentation. It does work. feel better already. He's getting stuck in my knuckle here. thinks it's one of his friends. Do you feel Caterpillar I see you were so tiny Okay from my buddy tiny Caterpillar in his natural environment
So I found a quiet batch here, out in nature, somewhat protected from the wind. And I've been meaning to do a bunch of self dialogue, because I've written a lot in the last while. But it seems my attention gets called to things like beauty and nature. Like yesterday, I was making the video and then this tiny Caterpillar caught my attention. And it was so cute. And I spent at least half an hour with it. And then I spent an hour editing the video I took. So an hour of my time of that day was taken up by this tiny Caterpillar, and I felt like I could have spent even more time with that caterpillar. And I hear something walking this way. And I just want to make sure it's not a bear or something. So stand here for a second. But then today, just as I found my little spot here, I sat down, and that's the spot. And I looked at the tree, and there's a bunch of ants and I thought, Oh, well, that'd be cool to film with my macro lens. So I did. And then I put it away. And I looked back. And with my regular eyes, I could see that the ads, little bombs were having light shine through it, they were looking transparent. And I thought, Oh, it must just be the way the sun is shining. And so I was wondering if I could capture that. And so I started to capture that and it looked kind of like the light was shining through it. And that was what was happening. But then I realized that they were actually lighting up their bomb, and changing the color from a gradient to totally lit to totally dark. And they were communicating with each other. And I've never heard about ants communicating in this way, though. It's likely that people who study ants know this. And so I recorded them rhythmically lighting up their bombs to communicate to each other and also colliding with each other and and there was definite, intricate communication going on there. And it was just so beautiful and fascinating. And I recorded it. I don't know how well it captured it. That's the thing that it seems like the brain gets drawn more and more into beauty. I wouldn't say drawn more and more into it that makes it sound like it's a distraction. Whereas really what is all around us is infinite beauty of nature and even of humanity partially. And then there's this tiny little fragment that is the unbeautiful ways that humanity is programmed itself to act out of these beliefs and scarcity and everything. One thing that's not scarce is the beauty of nature. But we've turned our attention away from that, in favor of things like technology. And I'm not against technology. I'm not against anything. But all I'm trying to say is there is this infinite beauty that the concept of scarcity doesn't exist. And that's an infinity available at each moment. But we've been hypnotized into turning our attention away from that. And it's not just about frolicking and beauty all day long. That's not what I'm saying. But it's almost like our brains are so out of tune with it, that we can't even tune into it at all. I was the fact that I was able to spot this tiny Caterpillar on my leg without even really seeing it or looking at it closely. I just said it out loud, is that a tiny Caterpillar, and then I had to look. Whereas if I would have just seen this little black thing moving, I would have thought it was a disgusting little bug and, and flicked it off or something. But I don't find any bugs disgusting, necessarily. But so it seems like part of this thing is going in and out of beauty. And I think when the perception of enough, beauty is channeled through the nervous system, through actually seeing it, and being with it, and witnessing it, and being in wonder of it, I think that's part of what might spur this distress, because the nervous system is more attuned to beauty. So it then has the sense to release more of the Holograms stored in the nervous system and brain. And that can be distressing. And it's not a conscious process. It's almost like when we absorb enough beauty subconsciously, or subjectively, then we're processing some of the non beauty through us. And the thing is, oftentimes, when we're in distress, we're met with moving towards being psychiatrist, and going back into society and the systems that aren't beauty. But when we're in the beauty, we feel it and we know it, and we don't know how to speak that to those who don't see and feel it. And then we can actually get quite distressed because we're going back into societal programs. And not just for us as an A me that wants to be here loving the beauty and all that it's as a system of humanity. Just like the answer communicating something by flashing their bums, people are communicating by flashing in distress and it's not about the me the answer and talking about me, they're they're communicating as a whole. And so we're not communicating as a whole of humanity. And so people that go into beauty, when they're coming back, because you can't really remain there, because not everybody's there. Then we're walking towards psychiatry, instead of being received non judgmentally, to be able to process some of that pain. And it might not even be a matter of people who go into that consciousness being like, I have all the messages for you, society. And now listen to me, it would be even just more being able to be supported through processing those energies, because we're processing those energies for the whole. And maybe it isn't even a matter of one is better than the other, it's just a matter of some people are really processing it and feeling it and, and sensitive to these other energies and frequencies and sounds and, and noise and everything. And really people who are doing that should be honored for their ability to process some of this stuff, and kind of keep quiet about it and let people who don't sense this goes about their life and their business and whatever they want to do. It would be wonderful if one day, people who went through these processes were seen more as having a unique place in society to really be able to sense things and supporting a person to learn that language. Because again, that language isn't even about us as people who go into that state and them as people who don't, we don't need everybody to go into that state all the time. But it is a unique brain state. I feel it is a unique neural tribe. And the fact that there's a lot of research going on about all these different altered states of consciousness, but people who go there Cuz they're sensitive to things. Their whole being is just sensitive. It's not like you can make your being sensitive, you can't say, okay, no be sensitive, no, just the universe makes some people sensitive, in order to process some of these things and also support society in being able to move towards other meanings such as beauty, then just these mechanized things like technology. And that's the thing, it's going from a living state, which is very feeling and alive and embodied to being chemicalized. Back into this mechanized way of being. And it seems like one is just this living state, and the other is this sort of robotic state. And that robotic state is necessary. And it's not necessarily bad. We have to be so called robotic in certain ways when we drive a vehicle and we learn, but we've become robotic, and how we drive our consciousness. And then the people who go into those states where all sudden they're released from that robotic control consciousness that, that contrived consistency, while they're pathologists and says something's wrong with your brain, when really, we've just been released from that consistent program that we all believe in, in society. So anyways, I, I'm really having a sense of these things, and I, I have different senses of things all day long, but it's hard to really capture all of it. It seems like there's a world where we're moved by consciousness, itself, and then a world where we're moved by thought and everything in between. But that isn't something living, but it has control of our living energy. And when that control is released, it takes a while to actually adapt to it. It's like the next adaptation. It's like natural selection. And not all of us who go into those states of consciousness make it and yesterday, when I was editing the video, I was noticing how drugged I loved and how bloated my face looked and probably looks still kind of bloated, for sure. But I think that those extra medications sort of slow down one's voice and it's even in the facial structures and how it sort of inflames and bloats the face and and this morning, I took another one something over there. I took another one tablet of the Hardy nutritionals and then for lunch, I took another one. And at dinnertime I will take two and I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling not as much like something is being held in. So hopefully that could mean that I'm on the mend. And that blocking it was a good idea. It was definitely a good idea but I'm hoping that the blocking didn't make it so I'm going to have to constantly block something versus when it gets to the peak gets somewhat out of control that I know that it's just tapering off. So between feeling better today that's a good sign. Last night I took one Seroquel and two trazadone instead of the night before I took half a Sarah have a trazadone and three Seroquel. Somehow my brain just didn't quite compute what to do. So I will definitely keep going with that. And I wore my heart rate monitor and I'll show you what it looks like when I'm falling asleep. And I don't have the comparisons to the nights before when I was actually really in more distress because I wasn't wearing it. But wearing it actually feels like somewhat of a security I don't know why, even though it's not really going to do anything, but maybe it's almost a gesture of saying to my heart, okay, I'm going to pay attention to you. I know that you're stressed. I'm going to manage
I want to start by juxtaposing the philosophy of the recovery scenario with a quote by J. Krishnamurti, which is, it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. So to me, recovery is about adjusting back into this profoundly sick society. When I think in my consciousness, there is a discovery of many things to move away from, as well as a lot of other things that one could say, to actually support the society having more meaning. Because the brain goes into the hyper meaning state, and is able to harvest a lot of meanings that people can't usually see. I just remembered something I remembered last night. I had this voice. But it wasn't really sound. But I sort of heard and felt this thing, telling me to just have fun with it. Because writing all these things down and then making videos, sometimes I get behind. There's no real purpose to it. But I've sort of set up a purpose somewhat of catching up, as opposed to just having fun with this process of self dialog. And it's not like it hasn't been fun. And I'm not like trying to actually do anything except talk to myself, and see what happens. It's just a tiny shift to remember to have fun with it and not be whatever, I don't know, I don't think I was anything. But I just when I heard that. I was like, Oh, yeah, I am having fun. But there's always room for more fun. And I wrote down that the body is being used to project images. And with that we relate. So we're communicating based on these images we project. And we're not communicating based on calculating the gestures and the movements of the moment of what someone's saying, as a movement, as how they move is how they stand. And when we're projecting the Holograms, when we're meeting the world through this holographic projection, we can't actually see what's there to calculate. So if I was so stuck on making self dialog that day, I probably wouldn't have even seen that little caterpillar. But it got picked up by my beauty perception apparatus. My beauty sense, it's probably another sense, that is just so atrophied. Whereas It seems that my mind if something's within the field of consciousness, that is beautiful. It will naturally select that. So I think this map consciousness is actually a process where we're looking as beauty at beauty, and selecting for that. I think we just have so many areas of the brain and things that haven't even been discovered, because we're not perceiving in that way, we're not being in that way. So those areas of the brain would not be activated epigenetically, an epi gesture radically. I think the body is afraid of holograms. Because in a way, we're afraid our holographic image of ourselves will get damaged. And even when I go into those states of distress, there's a little bit of thought energy and some kind of energy and it could be the holographic energy of memories or, or, or prophecies or, or whatever hallucinations or delusions, whatever you want to call them. And the body reacts in fear. Because we're used to reacting in fear of these holograms that we're projecting ourselves. So I think there's just subconscious holographic projection crap left in my body and I think that's what gets breathed out. Holla tropically. And maybe when that's gone consciousness, in its purest form, re enters the body and can see through the brain. And with what Dr. Daniel Siegel was saying about the brain being integrated and in regular people Not in people with mental illness or something, the regular brain is trying to be integrated with thought. It works based on the fuel of thought. Whereas a brain of somebody who's labeled with something like bipolar or schizophrenia, is trying to integrate insight. They're trying to integrate infinity, which is beauty, actually, it's the beauty of the moment. But the beauty is negated when thought structures come in, and try to grasp onto a little piece and say that it knows what it is. So we're missing out on this infinity. So yes, their brain has disintegrated from thought of me, and my memories, and, and my stories, and all these things that are supposed to get integrated into this society as it is believing in these separate me selves and the importance of our own little stories. All of that becomes actually meaningless when somebody goes into map consciousness. But it's very hard for the brain to stay there. And actually, it's possible that part of the brain does stay there and people who go there now exist in superposition states have multiple realities simultaneously. So So if some major rearrangement of the entire universe happened, because it's all based on consciousness, consciousness is fundamental, not matter. One has a piece of consciousness in multiple dimensions, like, one left a light body version of themselves in the dimension of beauty and consciousness, and then, and then fell back into regular consciousness and then got labeled in this material reality, and came back here to help actually help people level up to that level of consciousness that is in a world of beauty. And, you know, part of it could be that some people just don't exist there. And some people do. And, yeah, it's this whole, we're all one consciousness, multiple bodies, as we walk there together, yet people don't see it, certain people die, and people are going to die anyway. So we wouldn't really notice that that's what's happening, we wouldn't really notice that certain people see it, and then they go there. And there's lots to that. And I don't want to get all crazy on you, though, I could say that stuff all day long, because I've seen it. But it's really irrelevant. what's relevant now is, is receiving people who are in distress with unconditional love, and helping homeless people because they are there in that other dimension. But here in this dimension, their brain is so disintegrated, that they can't move. But if they were given some love, and unconditional notice, a lot of them would actually be quite saintly, but they just are so saintly, in a way that and so compassionate, that they'll just sit there and, and wait for somebody to recognize this. And, and, and die waiting. And this whole matter world is actually way too dense for their consciousness, and they can't even move, barely, just enough to do a few things in a day. And then they have to take drugs or something to to increase the fluidity of their body to be able to move around. And then people think that they're just mentally ill and stuff. But they kind of ventured into that consciousness a little bit too quickly, without everyone else. And, and they're sort of the test in a way that will we look at them and say, you know, you're loved as a member of humanity. And here, we will support you to not just come back into this society, but they might actually have some really good messages for us to hear. But I get off track. And I say this because I can see what they're doing, I can extrapolate my experience to their experience. And I can see different trajectories of my own life and where they might go and, and they might already be there. And I'm not really sure which one I'll end up in. And that's kind of up to the progress of everybody and not even progress, but just how people choose to see this. Like certain people in the world have been recognized as having high level of consciousness and people see that and they're able to maintain that high level. Whereas if somebody is seen as just having a mental illness, well, that way of seeing that person, that consciousness is going to keep them there. It's all about perception, and we're sensitive to the light coming out of other people's eyes. It's almost like we know how we're being looked at And then we play the role. Because if we do anything else, then we're just seen as more crazy. So it's life energy integrating through the brain, life, integrating life, not integrating thoughts. And the me, that doesn't really have much to do with life, and thought energies in circles, whereas life energy is infinity. If there was a way to put these dis integrated brains, these so called mentally ill brains, in paradise in a world of beauty, they would probably all of a sudden be completely fine. And actually, I remember the very first time this all happened to me, I was talking with the psychologist and I was not doing well at all. And then, as soon as I went outside, I felt completely different. I felt like I could be out there all day. It was almost like I was free. But then as soon as I went back home, I didn't feel well, again, I felt like I was back in the energy of the structures. And I hope I do okay, when I go back home, is actually might be really important to actually get myself quite strong in my brain before I go back home, even if it's in a month or two months or four months. Look, know, when making noise. You're not a bear? Well, he's pretty cute. So yeah, our brains are disintegrated because we're in the wrong environment. And it's a sign that it's just the wrong environment, in general, because anybody can have an integrated brain and then it can disintegrate. The energy of an infinity is much greater than the energy of thought. And the glue that holds thoughts together to form this illusion of me. separation is an illusion. So it won't really hold together. In my mind, the mind is trying to create new traits. So the mind uses the brain to create itself. And the mind can create the brain. It can change the molecules in the brain, it can have an effect on the brain, it can make the brain grow new structures or change its structure. It's trying to create the trade of seeing the meaning of beauty. Because if we don't do this, we're gonna destroy the planet. What are you doing? Oh, he's cute. One of them's never hung out with me this long before. I actually thought of revision of what Dr. Daniel Siegel said. He says, the mind uses the brain to create itself. I feel like the mind changes the brain to create itself is changing the brain towards beauty. And I think this is what happens with the hyper neuroplasticity. And the brain growth induced by perception of beauty. It grows the brain in areas to perceive more beauty. And one day people will be more attracted to beauty than non beauty and technology right now we're all attracted to technology. And he said the mind can change molecules while the mind can turn on genes and things and and that's probably what it's doing. It's making epigenetic changes to the brain such that it produces some of the neurotransmitters such as DMT and blah, blah, blah, and all the flow chemicals. This can be turned on by mind and consciousness. And each time it happens, each time it creates that brain state, it's exercising that brain state. So it'll eventually become a trade. So I think those manic traits are very important to actually practice because I feel they can be created through gesture. But in the mind in desperation that we're not gesturing in these ways, and reaching out in these ways, makes it so we're animated to do so by changing our brains. And if we do it ourselves, the mind doesn't have to do this. And I was talking about superposition states. And I know, I have several other superposition states where I exist in other realities simultaneously. And myself dialogue in a ways making this mind as this person, relational, and maybe other people can relate to some of it. Because it's not really personal thing. And in a way, the mind is trying to make us more relational, by animating us in ways that make us more relational in terms of saying hi and smiling and being joyful, and dancing and singing and being spontaneous, and all these things that in our regular daily life, we wish we could be, some people get the blueprint for another brain. And then the mind is compassionate in that it gives us the opportunity to walk there ourselves with our material body, but we have to gesture ourselves there. There's really something about this reaching out and how we reach out and just reaching out, not reaching out with a certain motive, but just the way we reach out. And he spoke about linking the differentiated parts of a complex system and how we're complex systems, where we're actually trying to link the differentiated parts as in other human beings, other minds, nature, these are part of consciousness, these are part of the mind. But we're actually in the way we're integrated. Now. We're disintegrated from most of the mind for most of what we are. So I just feel that there's certain aspects that are missed a little bit when one hasn't necessarily gone beyond the current limitations of the brain. Because one then doesn't have that vantage point. And then the people that do have that vantage point, are put at disadvantage, by the way they're treated and seen and received. So is it impaired integration and bipolar and things? Or are we trying to integrate something else, I feel like beauty is trying to integrate into our mind, and trying to integrate our mind and brain. And seeing beauty and, and just being able to understand nature by just looking at it is a different form of intelligence. If we all had that we wouldn't need science, science is all about manipulating variables to find some kind of useful thing that we can manipulate further to control something. But when we understand things, we understand the beauty and the intelligence and the elegance of it. We don't destroy it, we let it because we know it has its proper place. And plus, it's fun to just go around and learning about nature from its source. Being able to see beauty and understand nature, or just be with nature, I don't know if it's understanding it or have some kind of communication or communion with it is is the most incredible thing. It's better than any TV show that we have. And I wonder I've asked the question, does nature exist? If we're not looking, and when we're not looking and loving and paying attention to it? It what starts to disappear? Peekaboo Peekaboo. So yeah, impaired integration in bipolar is definitely, in my mind, a limitation of perspective of a mind who's never taken multiple perspectives or infinite perspectives or actually felt like they were a bird or an all these other experiences that are somewhat disembodied, but actually give consciousness, an algorithm by wish to calculate something else, which is the beauty of things and the interrelatedness and the interconnectedness. And it's like an education beyond any other. That gives one the perspective that is so needed right now, to be able to see through other perspective students know just looking at something that it's valuable, and it's unique and it's special, and it's a differentiated part. And by perceiving it and understanding it and seeing its beauty, that is the link That links it. So the more we look at stuff and realize its uniqueness and value and have a conversation with it, and not just cut it in and scrape it and squash it and throw it, then we're differentiating, and linking the whole mind every single thing in nature to ourselves. And that's what's happening in the bipolar brain, just one of the things, there's a lot of things, it's quite unlimited. But I feel a lot of the value of the bipolar brain is squashed. When a person who said Well, you're mentally ill, you're defective, you have to take medications forever. The thing I feel partly is happening for me is I can take medications to doll certain aspects, like the thoughts coming back in or whatever it is, or, or some of the systemic crap that is difficult to be sensitized to, but is becoming less powerful, and being able to actually dolmio completely to where the intelligence is not operating. So it's like getting more strong after walking around with a lead body suit on and one needs to do that when one is living more in the field of consciousness and less in the field of thought. But in the field of consciousness, one is very open and sensitive, and has to be in order to perceive this way. So one can become more subject to everything in the field of thought, which most people's nervous systems are attuned to, and, and see as the normal fuel. But when one is sensitive, and the beauty is the fuel, then thought, energy becomes poison. And one has to poison oneself, to be less sensitive, to not experience that stuff. We're all one consciousness, and it's related to the brain stuff. And I can understand somewhat, what's happening to people who are labeled as mental illness, what's happening with homeless people, and what's happening with autism. It's when you look at it from the perspective of the human brain, not my brain and my ego and my thoughts in me, but the whole brain and, and the function of the human brain, what it's doing and where it's moving towards. And you can see how certain brains get diverted along certain tracks. And you can see, if you think about it as the evolution of humanity and how it's evolving, you can see why these poor children are being born with brains that won't accept the thought programs. More and more of us are becoming allergic to thought programs, and the mechanical nature of it. The planet cannot withstand having more humans on it with these mechanical thought programs and operation. And I don't think the kids with autism are doomed. I actually feel like they just need a different medium. They need different timeframe. They need a lot of beauty, a lot, a lot, a lot of love. And again, well we love them. We love them. Do we love the homeless people? Do we love the people who get altered states and then come back to this reality and then are pathologized how are we receiving these people? How is the system of thought receiving people who don't seem to be able to acclimate to this mechanical system of thought? I got through nearly one page of 30
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I wanted to set in that corner there, because lizards are here first. Guess I've just said somewhere else. So the lizards moved. So I took their spot. And I just met a really friendly bunny rabbit. And some butterflies on a hike I went on today that was probably about four hours. So I'm a little bit tired. And I was thinking about flow as choiceless awareness when I was on the hike, because of what Jamie wheel and Steven Kotler talk about, if somebody is like falling to their death, and they managed to save their life. And their reaction time and their calculation of things, is faster to the point where they're able to save their life somehow. And basically, they're saying it's faster than conscious choice. What is conscious choice, it's a bunch of programs overlaid over our senses. So instead of sensing and acting, we're enacting this so called conscious choice. And so they're studying how it's easier to get into flow in these states, where the body is put under sort of extreme circumstances. And in those extreme circumstances, there's no point in choosing with those programs that we've been conditioned into seeing through. So it's a bunch of conditioning, that is the thing that we think chooses. And all of that is the accumulated me programs and, and knowledge, so we're choosing through our knowledge. And that knowledge is overlaid over our senses. So we're not sensing things holistically and acting with our senses without thinking. And so what I'm saying is that, to me, it sounds like what Krishnamurti talks about with choiceless awareness. And what that means, in a way is that there's no programming, they're doing the calculating, which is the choosing. So if, if there's no one there choosing, then what is choosing? Well, what is choosing when one is falling to one's death, and managers. Without thinking, like, basically, the person is falling in Gravity faster than thinking. So gravity, the speed of gravity, and falling in Gravity is faster than thinking, we can't think and decide, oh, I'm gonna put my hand here and I'm gonna put my hand there, and I'm gonna do this and that something else comes in. So something else is choosing something else is moving us and animating us. When we're falling at the speed, that gravity induces on us. And I feel like in a way, consciousness itself chooses, but it's not really choosing. So an ego mi program might choose between a bit or B bit. Whereas when there's no programming they're choosing then there's infinite bits available. And the conscious will or the me or the ego is choosing between very limited amount of bits, that it's been programmed into choosing between. And so I was thinking about how, while walking down the mountain, down the switchbacks that when we walk And we're going down a mountain we fall. So we're not actually walking as much as falling in gravity. But we're able to control that with our legs. And in the same way, we might think we're choosing to move our legs, but we're just moving our legs and gravity's helping. So there's this sort of play between the two, there's this dance. And I feel like we also have a field of consciousness. And the programming prevents us from falling in the field of consciousness. Whereas if we were just falling in the field of consciousness, that field of consciousness, in combination with it, impressing upon all of our senses holistically would animate us, and that would allow us to act without choosing. So much of our movement anyway, we don't choose to do but it's sort of partly gravity and partly us. So I think there's this other element, this field of consciousness that in a way, in map consciousness, we're falling in the field of consciousness. Without the programs in the way, the programs are kind of the net, the parachute that allow us to sail through life and give us time to like, make these decisions and things when another parachute is a false structure. So the reason I'm saying this is because it demystifies it in a way, not just these few words about it. But to act like it's some big mystifying thing that we need to be falling out of the sky in order to go into is making it seem like it's something so on unattainable. I feel like the field of consciousness. It doesn't choose that makes it sound. The field of consciousness animates us. So just like walking down a hill in the field of gravity, the field of gravity is helping to animate us. So the field of consciousness when it interacts with our body, and all of our senses, animates us. But there's this tension of our programs that constricts us, and actually keeps our animation very limited and fragmented. According to very few programs, it would be like being in a video game and having very few moves that one can do on the controller. It's like the difference between the original Nintendo system and Sony PlayStation, the latest one, there's just so much more that one can do. So the original controller would be like the choices, the programming that we have now. And we're being controlled by the programming as opposed to the totality of the mind and the field of consciousness and the universe. I can see this stuff so subtly and clearly. It's fascinating. It's like studying the animation of the mind. And I'm wondering if the self dialogue about all of this is seeing all those subtle nuances of it. To learn that language, and then it's like progressive training of seeing and perception Because the first experience of map consciousness is so intense, but then as one explores the subtle nuances of mapping consciousness itself. If one is seeing it that way all the time in daily life, then it's not like being blind one day, and then having full vision, the next. It's having that vision every day. And then it just seems normal. And again, I still haven't come off my medications or anything. But I'm hoping to do that when I get back home. I'm not sure what the language is. But I also feel like it's the language of, of beauty. Because beauty isn't human abstractions and programs. It's not the way we've been trained to see. But it's everything else. So one way to see beyond it would be just to see when one is seeing something that is a human construct. And I wonder if words can be used in service of beauty. I think that must have been how they originally came about a sense of awe and wonder. But now they're being used to divide up and fragment the beauty. At which point, it's no longer beautiful. And perhaps we need to speak that language, again, in order for the human brain to allow human consciousness to fully inhabited again, in terms of the upcoming generation. And we have all these words running through our nervous system like static like noise. And we don't have words and perception of beauty running through our nervous system. And our nervous system is designed to perceive beauty. So if we want to get back to its original function and design, then learning that language is important. I was saying to someone that if you ever see me kind of just standing there and walking in circles, maybe that I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the next thing to catch my attention. Someone to walk up and say, Hey, you want to do this? Or do you want to do that? It really is just like wandering with love, like that shirt that I have. And I feel like the mental health system could be a type of holding pattern for people, it's holding them in that pattern. But we can also start to transform into wandering with love. And wandering with love in a way is like allowing the field of consciousness to move us an understanding that it will catch us just like our legs will catch us each step we take down a mountain. Right now we don't use all our senses. We just use our me sense, which is our programming. We filter everything through the me and we make choices based on that. Can we allow our senses to be in the field of consciousness and start to awaken our senses holistically and move us as The moment just like we move with gravity, what can we gravitate towards? With consciousness? What can we conscious Tate towards? So part of it is learning the language of perception, perception action in the field of consciousness. And partly why things can get a little bit dicey is when we're in the field of consciousness in lower levels. And a lot of times we act accordingly, we act out that level. And I feel it's important to sort of protect oneself from that. Because we become more like ping pong balls, then having these programs of control. We could even imagine that everything we think and imagine if we projected it out of our eyeballs, and that energy of those images and sounds actually has force in terms of making something happen. It's an active agent. So what is the light coming out of one's eyes? Is it good images or bad images? And beyond that, what about no images, because the image we're projecting from our eyes is the choice we're making. we're choosing to extract that information from reality, which is usually based on old information. And so not projecting any images and being choiceless li aware is a qualitative difference. And then anything is possible because our perception is clean and consciousness itself. That energy field of consciousness can animate us towards that which the mind would want us to create. And these images that we make are our partiality. And they make life partial. And we're re experiencing from these old partialities. And it's actually a limiter. The light and sound we project from ourselves limits all of the information out there. And I don't know what I don't know to what extent that is necessary. It seems to be necessary. actually feel like the consciousness animating us versus choice from programs. It gestures us, it acts through us, as us. And through those actions. We move towards something else then. Our programs which is actually moving away from life. It's contracting away from life. It's contracting away from actually meeting the mind. And when the mind and the human beingness meet. And there's no me as this mediator. Then the mind is what moves us consciousness And then anything becomes possible. And I feel like in a way, with these crisis events that seem to happen, it's like going as far along as one can, on that particular path of the mind animating oneself. And then one gets to the limit and it becomes fearful. And it's a type of death in a way. I feel like one could be dying to alternate realities. Because one sprain is in the quantum state. And then when one goes far enough along that path, certain realities have to die. But one experiences that as something terrifying. And one might even have to experience that extreme terror in order to sort of save other people from experiencing that. Because there's so much terror out there that people are not experiencing, because they're using certain means to get through it. And there's nothing wrong with that, per se, but it's not resolving those energies, they have to be resolved some way. In consciousness. I don't quite know how that works in terms of this whole mechanism of terrifying pneus. I feel like we could gesture ourselves quantum. I wonder what kind of lifestyle design would facilitate being open to possibility and, and moving in possibility as possibility. Instead of moving in programs as programs, and I've already had that sensation in my consciousness, I'm just wondering why it seems to for burnout. And somebody once said to me, of higher level of consciousness, don't push let it come to you. Not really sure what that means. But I feel like it partly means that it doesn't take time. So it doesn't matter if I sit here in the same spot for 10 years. And then if I got up and I was moving in possibility, whatever was meant to be created, could be created very quickly. Or it could be created the same way if I got up and did that now. So it doesn't really matter. In terms of time, and it's already here, it's a matter of really just going for it, I guess. Whatever that is. And I feel I'll take some time to figure that out. Maybe I'll continue to wander after this.
I was reading a bit of a book by Krishna Murty called fire in the mind. And there was a bit in there about listening. He said, Those who are passionate to find out who want to hear will listen, not to me. And then he said, it's in the air. And I think that's the subtle hearing of insight and seeing of insight. And I sort of realized that seeing in that way is harvesting insight and giving voice to it. Seeing those subtle things, I can see what I'm saying. But it's hard to really put words to it. And then I also realized in a way, I'm harvesting my mania right now, even though I'm not in the state of mania, I feel like I'm doing everything I would be doing. If I was really manic, but I don't feel manic. So I guess I'm embodying my mania. But I'm also talking about stuff. And I'm taking pictures of my notebooks and posting it on my blog at a later date. And that's something I would totally do, if I was just really manic, I would think, Wow, this is so profound, I need to share it. And I'm not even thinking it's so profound, I need to share it, I'm just sharing it for the heck of it. To really not have any build up of anything, partially, because I just forget. So I can't even really think of accumulating stuff and then waiting and then sharing it later has to be done right away or not at all. And that's kind of part of how the mind works in the process. So it's just going according to a different an edited process. And that's the thing, too, is when one gets into that state of consciousness, it's an unedited state, there's no pre forming of words and planning what to say. So just really getting with that in every aspect of life. Not thinking anything is worth clinging on to for later. So I'm wondering if I'm in that higher energy state, but not feeling it. And I talked about in earlier videos, how the neurology grows in ways to be able to contain and harness that energy and not be overpowered by it, because there's more nerve tracks for that. And I don't even know if that's true, but it seems to have some kind of truth to it. So I'm doing these actions that I would do if I was really manic, but I'm not. So in a way, I'm just living that way, congruent with what that energy would animate me to do. beyond my suppose of control, but the thing is, once I have the nerves for that energy to animate me in that way, it doesn't feel like I'm out of control. Because it's not energy beyond that, which my nerves can handle. If you know what I mean. So in a way, if I was surfing a wave that was bigger than the one I'd ever surfed before, I might feel like I'm gonna fall or I'm out of control. Whereas if I have served that same size wave a million times, it's gonna feel natural. So it's the same thing with serving consciousness, that wave of consciousness, energy comes in, and the nerves have to get used to moving in those ways. And that consciousness can come in and take over any one of us. So really being able to move with the wave Consciousness is imperative. Because if a big wave comes in and takes over even more people, it's going to be really chaotic. So the more we can move towards embodying those gestures and ways of being, the better. And I had the sense that choice is a program choice itself. And that is the fundamental program. Whereas when that program is gone, then there's just the census on adulthood. by choice. And I feel like what that consciousness is, is the unknown in a way, so we have to be fully able to sense the unknown, and act accordingly, instead of being always projecting our programs, and then acting based on that. And one can have access to that energy and be acting and acting and acting with the unknown, and then get to a point where it's beyond the comfort zone of the nervous system. And it gets freaked out and turns back. And I wrote down, there is a possible world filled with love. If we were all filled with love, if we're all moved by love, what kind of world with that great. And I feel like the real app of reality is epigesturetics. Every move we make is recorded in the fabric of reality and moves us towards a certain possibility, we can choose a different action. The next moment, if we're always acting, based on the movement of love, that doesn't take time to figure that one out. So we can immediately changed our path. And I feel like our gestures harvest and uncover that world of love. As we move as love, it's like our bodies are painting that into actuality. It's kind of like carving a sculpture. And as we move in the fabric of love as love that sculpt us as well, it's sculpture, neurology, and our body. It's like a game of love. And our body is quantum it has quantum effects, it makes things possible. It creates, and it has a certain range of motion, and gestures. The music of love can play through us. gestures, and words are the notes of the quantum body instrument. Can we go from seeing problems to seeing possibility? And we've been turned into thought processors instead of quantum processors, possibility craters, and our thought process creates a vortex of sound that keeps us separate from the flow of life. And, and that listening that hearing. We can't hear that subtleness when we're listening to our own thoughts, we're giving voice to the past so we can't give voice to the moment. And we've superimposed our thought process over life process. And I wonder if freedom is from the pre formulation of words. And I want to say again that Krishnamurti said that meditation is unpremeditated art. So nothing premeditated, nothing going on in terms of cognition. And I feel like that's a similar way to saying, harvest practice, embody or practice one's mania in a way, it becomes an art form. So in a way, it's the art of mania. And maybe that's part of math consciousness is the art of living. There's no formula for living and if one puts a formula After living, then that's not living. Because formulas aren't alive. And human beings, and other living things aren't alive. And I don't think we live in reality, we live in mi ality. And I wonder if our language can be our fruit. A plentiful harvest that we share the fruit humans produce is language. And right now we're not really making fruit with it, we're making weeds and weed killer can our language be of insight and create vision. And I wrote down a peer, as in one peer, and to peer as in two people. But what I was looking at was a peer is what appears and to peer is to look deeply into. So a peer to peer is what appears to look deeply into. And I was thinking about that in terms of my brain, buddy, and wondering what we'll end up talking about, we might talk about our experiences. And there could be commonality there. And it might show in a way that we speak the same language, a language of seeing an experience and seeing beyond experience, and what it possibly means and harvesting the fruit of language differently and sharing it. I wonder if so called psychosis is fear leaving the system, or fears of leaving the system of thought, because there's some suppose it safety in that it could be fear of change, fear of transformation, fear of breaking out of the chrysalis seems like a bit of a tide, this energy comes in this consciousness and animates us, and then it goes out. And then when it goes out, all the things on the sea floor are exposed. So they have to be adapted to when there's no consciousness, and when there's a lot of consciousness. So in a way, we have to be kind of like barnacles. And our vision gets written over by programs in the structure of thought, like the mental health system, we speak in a different way. And we're speaking a little bit out there and not quite making sense because we're learning a new language of perception. And so afterwards, we learn the language of pathologizing ourselves. But it would be cool to still keep learning this language of perception and being animated by consciousness. That's kind of like when you're a kid. And around one parent, you know, you can be goofy and around the other parent, you know, you have to be serious. It's sort of like, realizing that we're being subject to certain authoritative structures or not. And I was thinking about falling in gravity and how the body takes over and the senses take over in order to save our life. And I was thinking that the speed of consciousness is kind of like, the speed of falling in gravity. It's way faster than thinking. So again, it's just the brain operating at a faster speed. And it's a speed faster than thinking. So when we think that we are thinking process, then it can be scary, because we think we're out of control. But really, it's just faster processing. And then the slow processing of thinking is afraid. And that it's sort of like if somebody falls in Gravity, and they managed to save themselves somehow. They're not and they realize it was quicker than the speed of thought. They didn't have to think about it. They would just be happy that they managed to save their life that and in that way, when the consciousness comes in, it's happening to save life in a way because it's life energy itself, this time. Consciousness. And thought, is delay. It's dividing up life. And so sometimes we fall in consciousness. And then after it happens, we're all thinking and stuff like, Oh, this means I'm ill or something. But it could have been some other mechanism of healing and helping the brain and life and the field of the universe. It's a faster processing. And again, since thought can never be faster than that process of consciousness, we can never really think about it and encapsulated, so there's no real point. So when it's over to say, that means it's all this mental illness and stuff that could never capture what actually happened. Or even after something like a terrifying so called psychosis, just forget about it. And so when we're in that map conscious state, we're being pulled by strings, kind of like puppets of the environment, puppets of perception. Right now, we're puppets of thought, are puppets of the past. But we could actually be puppets of the universe. The word puppet is kind of funny. So being a puppet of the universe is like being fully alive. Whereas being puppets of thought, is just being a biological robot. And this choice process is very binary. It's good or bad. Whereas the consciousness is animation. It's multi dimensional animation, being animated by the sights, the perceptions, the insights, the sounds, the feeling, the smells, everything all at once. So the quantum is a computation of animation. And thought is a contraction of this animation. It tones down the animation by toning the nervous system with sounds. And I feel like we're animated by gravity and consciousness. Just like we can fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. And we don't actually fall in consciousness, but it's the faster speed that is faster than thought, that renders thought obsolete. And then that's when we're flowing with consciousness. And consciousness is related to gravity, because our thoughts contract our nervous system and our muscles and change our center of gravity, and it changes our degrees of freedom in motion and how we gesture in actuality. So, less thoughts mean, less gravity means more consciousness, and more action and more degrees of freedom in gesture, which gestures in these other realities. And these thought, sounds, images through our nervous system, prevent clarity of perception, that is needed for the fluidity of action and learning. And I say learning because this perception is its own learning process and we learn to move as consciousness and as the moment fluidly as opposed to moving. According to Richard programs, it's actually learning how to be alive in a way. Learning how to move in the field of consciousness, learning how to dance as love
I feel like the mind of humanity, the total mind is trying to free us from the thought that was necessary. But the mind of humanity is testing whether it can release us from those programs, and trust us to perceive and act as love. And it feels powerful. And so when we get in touch with that power, do we share it? Or do we use it against people? Would we use it to hurt? Or would we use it to help. And I feel one of the measures of this is how we act towards nature. So can we look at another creature doesn't matter where it is on the totem pole, and look with love, and respect and admiration for the part that it plays in the whole. And when we do that, it's registered in that creature. It's registered in the mind of the collective of that creature. And that creature knows, just like how today I was sitting, and a lizard just came up right beside me, and then ran over my shoes that I had taken off and put beside me, and then started sending himself. And seems like we all have thought, parachutes. In order to slow down, moving in the field of love as love. We're attached to our me, we don't understand what would be acting if we didn't have this parachute of thoughts. We can fall in love, but we can't fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. I think part of my test was years ago when I made that video with the flies. And I was in awe of these flies. And in a way, it could have been my invitation into these perceptions, and starting to make sense of them backwards and forwards at the same time. And I said in the video, I wouldn't hurt a fly. And one way to get into flow is to look at nature beyond human constructs, and not look at the separate thing and name it but actually see its inter relatedness and be curious about what it does with its time and it's life energy. I wonder if we can let beauty run through our nervous system, run through us, run as us and animate us are meant to be the most beautiful creatures on earth, with the ability to appreciate beauty, to look at it, and also to make more of it. But we're using our beautiful instrument to destroy beauty. And we don't realize we're destroying ourselves. I was happy to find that quote, in the Krishna Murty book that says, when we destroy nature, we destroy ourselves. Because I had that sense a long time ago. So beauty is the fuel. Truth is perception. And love is action. But all those could be interchanged. And I remember Krishnamurti saying that, that beauty is indestructible. Think the indestructible element is that beauty. That's always there. I feel like thought is a holding pattern. It's holding so many human beings in a pattern. And really, we want to be released from that pattern. And the me is a pattern. And I feel like our senses become a quantum sense. We sense possibilities. We see relationships. And that's where we learn. I was editing a video and I was watching myself and While watching myself, it was the first time I really had this sense that I could see that I'm speaking what I'm seeing. Because I was going on and on for like 10 minutes. And as I was saying more and more, I was actually speaking from what I was seeing. And I'm always doing that. But it was the first time I actually could see myself seeing as I was speaking. And I probably could before but it was the first time I was really aware that I was really following what I was seeing, as I was saying it because it was the first time I was hearing it, since I said it, because I say things from nothing. But I really had this extra sense of seeing what I was saying. And maybe that's good in terms of if somebody watches this one day, if one can actually see what i'm saying, When I'm saying it, or see that I'm saying what I'm seeing not saying stuff from pre formed thoughts in my brain, because that's really, the whole point of it is to be able to see and say for yourself, or listen and say listen to these subtle things in the air. Really, we just want to be in touch with that voice and give voice to that. Because it's infinite. I wonder what happens when love loses control. Seems like thought is trying to control this love. It's afraid of it. I feel like what we project out of our eyes, the light and sound limits possibility. It's premature collapsing of the wavefunction. We don't allow all the information to penetrate our being and then make the quantum calculation and respond with our full being. We respond according to the programs and images that we're projecting. So it's like that light coming out of us. And that sound coming out of us that is invisible to others is meeting and breaking up all the information, light and sound coming towards us. And so it's chopping up all the information. So one can receive the whole impression on the clear mind screen and collapse the wave function. And I feel like it's actually that's part of what creation is, is is having that correct information clearly. impress upon one and then responding creatively. One can respond in many possible ways. So it's not necessarily one correct response. But it's definitely likely actually all correct responses doesn't matter what you do, really. But when one is choosing between programs, it can never be a correct response because it's old. And it's it's gone out to meet the information coming in and and impinged upon it and impeded it. So, one is even getting any of the information. So So when all the information is collected in a quantum way. One has the degrees of freedom to respond in many possible ways. And the thing is that when one is in touch with that, one does even really know oneself what one is going to say or do exactly. And in that way one is kind of entertained by oneself because everything is surprising even what one does, because it's not coming from past programs. So if I even think about my day to day, I didn't really plan anything. It was a day of complete possibility. The past is collapsing. The present is impinging upon the present. Or it's actually making it so we can't collapse wave functions. Because there's a hologram in the way. After my hike today, I caught back and everything seemed brighter. Even the kitchen, it just seemed so bright. And there was an orange and I picked it up. And it seemed so bright. And I was thinking about how beauty is related to color. So when things seem more beautiful and vibrant, it must have some kind of association to the quality of the nervous system. And it's sort of a measure of where one's at. If one can be in awe of an orange. When one is seeing oranges all day long for for several weeks, then that's the different quality beyond the things as they are are the things that we would normally measure them as like this is an orange, big deal. And I think there could be a diligence in consciousness to keep the programs in abeyance. And I feel like consciousness is when we are really awake. So there's a sleep state, which is sort of like glow. And then there's a programmed state which is kind of like no as in knowing things acting based on previous knowing and also an O as and just saying no to the living, whatever one is encountering and the awake state which is flow. So glow, no and flow. I hope to create perceivers seers people who can see meaning and unfold that. Can we be masters of mania, of the wave of consciousness, can we serve that wave? Can we be moved by celebrating possibilities instead of conflict and problems? And I feel like medicating changes our voice from possibilities to problems, from the movement of consciousness and the mind to the movement of thought and programs.
I was thinking about today how it's quite safe to flow here where I am. It's safe to be a ping pong ball and just bounce around doing whatever, because whatever it is, that I run into, will be something safe and beautiful and have a harmless quality. And I was wondering, if I take that same movement of this brain and nervous system out into society, that it doesn't really translate well, and one can run into fearful things, and respond quite strongly or want to retract quite strongly. And when one is moving around, sort of randomly, one can start to accumulate a sense of unsafety. And then feel like it's actually safer to retreat to the programs of thought and society, and move around based on those. In a way I feel like so called psychosis is the fear of being alone outside the programs. So if there were more of us outside the programs, we wouldn't be alone outside the programs, and it wouldn't be so easy to get afraid. And I was thinking about awareness and how we need to be aware in order to make an art out of our life. We can't be unaware because unawareness is defaulting to the programs. And beauty is our full self. And I feel like I can see beauty in nature. And sometimes I have a hard time seeing it in humanity. But I remember being able to look at people and change people into their beautiful self, a self that I don't even feel they were aware was contained within their being. But I think looking with those kind of eyes, changes people. I wonder how to do that. I sort of had a sense of wondering about the possibilities of the human brain, because in that state of so called mania, there was this in touchiness with those possibilities, but not really understanding how they worked. And it could actually be just the seeing possibilities and collapsing the wavefunction around that. But the trouble is, one eventually sees scary possibilities and sees one moving towards that. And it's scary. So one retreats. So moving between perceiving in problems and perceiving and possibility is a dance and a flux that maybe we have to get used to until the brain is more settled in that seeing of possibilities. Because when the brain is in that state, it's actually creating those possibilities that it sees, because we're usually seeing thoughts and a very limited reality based on that. So it's almost like the brain being comfortable with infinity. And can we glimpse people into wakefulness. And when we first get in touch with my consciousness, it feels like we're out of control because it's faster processing. And thought, tries to come in and resume control. And when it can't, then we see that we're not our thoughts or there's a power beyond our thoughts. And I feel like the nerves have to release the sluggishness of the thought programs. And I talked before about random DICOM provisions. I made up this exercise thing where you stick weights and go weights and wrist weights on into Sort of spin around and, and in a way, bring space into the body. But I think map consciousness and so called mania is a type of random de contraventions of the universe. The universe gives us synchronicity, and all these different things, but they're actually deprogramming language and gestures, to see that there's other forces at play, and for the opportunity to play with them. And I sort of just saw that when one has access to all those powers, oftentimes it gets used for oneself. And when one comes back when realizes that the point of power extra energy is to give it to others, because if only one person has power, then it's usually used as power over others. But it can be used as energy to share with others, so they have it too. So the nervous system is learning to act faster. It's like the nerves want to act a certain speed. But then thoughts are getting in the way. It's almost like how elite athletes have mental blocks. Sometimes they're overthinking things, and they're actually not playing as well as they can. Like they're really close to the championship point. And they play really poorly in the last part, because they're overthinking things. They're thinking about the result. They're not just playing and this state is actually not about results, or goals or anything like that, at all. So as soon as one wants to use something for a result, or particular thing, then the power is gone. And then all of a sudden, I came up with this crazy theory, that thought is an illness that has infected the human nervous system. Consciousness is trying to heal us of this. It's trying to purge the programs and the thoughts. And map consciousness is a ti programming language. And just as we wouldn't listen to two songs at the same time, why would we listen to our me voice? And then we can't hear the universe. Me is the noise that prevents hearing the universe. And I wonder why did our nervous system get infected with sound? I wonder if it's human percept to deficiency virus. The sound is inner sound, blocks our perception. And there was thinking about the term ESP or extrasensory perception, and how in map consciousness we get in touch with quantum sensory perception q SP, when I wrote that thing about being infected with sound viruses, I got freaked out because I had some premonition like extrapolations from it. And then I realized that if we're infected by a language virus, or a sound virus, then it's mainly a problem of how we use language, or how language uses us. But really, if this is what it's partially about, then it's helpful. We've been taken over by the sound of our own voice. And when we see that we can use our voice in creative ways, and also to give voice to beauty. And that's not a goal. It's not something to do in the next 10 years or to attain it's something that can be done now and can only be done now. There's no goal in beauty. We can't make beauty into a goal. And if we saw this beauty and spoke as that we wouldn't think in terms of goals.
Two nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and I couldn't fall asleep. And then I felt like I was going into this vast emptiness. It was almost like I could feel myself. Looking into the unknown, the void consciousness itself, I could see the patterns and the play of light. And it felt like that play of energy was the energy that created all things. And it could create anything. I saw a big fish swimming. But it was like the energy pattern of the fish. And I had the sense that the fish could just easily be created from the energy because the pattern is there. And in a way, all the molecules and biology is a result of that pattern. So it might look like all this complicated evolution has to happen. But really, all of that complexity rests upon the pattern when it's manifest. And then I just felt like my consciousness or consciousness was trying to leave my body and travel all over the place and And when that happens, it feels like it can start to feel scary. My heart was pounding and then I was feeling pretty terrified, and I got up and I grabbed a Seroquel. And I took it. And I also put my zap strap beside my bed, and then I unlocked the door. And I also grabbed my phone and the charger. So that's sort of my little safety plan. Because I know if I had my phone, then I can call for help. If the doors unlocked, someone can get in. If I have my zap strap, I can secure myself if I no longer feel safe. And the odd thing was that as soon as I took the Seroquel, it went away. Like it wasn't like oh, I have to wait 10 minutes for it to kick in. It was just taking it, it stopped. And then I eventually had to take another one to fall asleep. I couldn't quite fall asleep with just one. But it was interesting because when I got up and I was scared, I could hear and feel this very faint sense of what I will just call right now the suicide program. Having this sense that being that terrified, meant that I had to end my life because it was just too scary. And I feel like I've talked about this before where when the consciousness is coming back to the body. It's scary. So consciousness goes on this journey is seeing all these things the formless realm and then nothing is and then I wonder if it's partly that it becomes scary. So consciousness goes back to the body. And one of the things that gets you to go back is taking a pill or maybe even just the gesture of taking a pill it doesn't even have to kick in that that pattern of getting up and taking a pill is like saying Okay, that's enough of that. And the thing too is that I'm in California and I can't afford to be hospitalized and I don't have my family here to support me and things like that. And part of me feels like since that happened maybe I should just go home but I'm going to see how it is. I'm going to continue to take the Seroquel and I took to that first night and last night I had to take three I took one convulsive took another one couldn't fall asleep. took another one and then I fell asleep. So today I definitely feel drugged up. It's almost like having a poison. My brain cells, so consciousness doesn't come in and just take over so much. I wonder why consciousness wants to leave my body, maybe I'm not taking good enough care of my body, maybe I'm not putting enough care into my body. I used to put a lot of care into my body. That was one of the main things I did. And now I don't really do that at all. I'll go to the kitchen and just grab chips to eat or ice cream or whatever's there, I'm not really paying attention to taking care of myself. Whereas before, I would probably spend four hours a day just taking care of myself. And I don't know if that's true, but maybe my body needs that gesture. And I was reading a book last night wholeness in the implicit order by David Bohm. And it's really interesting. And it talks about our use of language and changing our use of language to a different structure. So there's not all this emphasis on division. And I didn't really get through that chapter yet, but I tried to read it today, and I can't even focus. So part of me feels like when I've seen too much, or my brain is too active, it gets to this place where consciousness is even like leaving this body to gather more information from other places than what's immediately perceptible. And then when it starts to do that, it's almost like my brain consciousness is going too far beyond the skill set of my brain or the collective brain. Or it's gone too far outside the collective level of consciousness. And it needs to come back. So taking a pill isn't necessarily saying that my brain is diseased, it's almost too fluid. It's so fluid that it kind of goes beyond itself. And and I think that some people can probably master that, and maybe I will at some point, but I haven't so far, I haven't been able to keep going in it. And I don't see maybe there's no point in going into it like that, because the unknown is infinite. And once the brain goes into the unknown, it's in the infinite and the body is finite. So the body would get afraid of the brain going on into infinity, because if it goes too far, it can almost want to stay there in infinity, just traveling around choice lessly, powerfully, fluidly, and, and I've talked about the adjacent light body, and I feel like one day we'll actually all live as light bodies. So when we do the fluidity of consciousness and the fluidity of the body will be in alignment, and it won't matter if consciousness goes off. But right now, since we're in these material bodies, it does matter. And the fact that I'm in California, I have to be extra careful. So it's kind of difficult because I don't have anyone to talk to. And if I do then maybe I don't want to freak people out. And forgive me if I'm talking kind of like well, blah, blah. I feel like I can't really enunciate things properly. My mouth is like slow and slow down. My whole physiology is poisoned and slowed down. And I'm okay with that. I think my whole being just needs to rest and so I also Talk to the people from hardy nutritionals. And they sell a micronutrient supplement that's good for people who have these kinds of concerns. And oftentimes, people can come off their medication. And I'm not planning to come off my medication on purpose, but I will likely start that settlement somewhat, because it might actually help with some of these things I'm experiencing, I feel like if it helps somebody was, say, so called psychosis. And it's giving the brain the right nutrition to not have consciousness come in and push the brain into altered state experiences. And it might be actually the right nutrition for perception, to be able to just perceive and not be flung into the whims of those perceptions. And I wonder about this, because I think there's actually something to the fact that so many people get thrust into this process of consciousness animating us and sort of being these calling birds calling out the fact that something's wrong with society structure. And that's why people are going into these other states of consciousness. And I remember a quote, I think her name was Emily Levine, and it was in her TED talk about trixter. And I want to go back to it actually, because she talked about something like, at the end of her talk, she said something like, Don't go too far into beauty. Because you have to be able to meet your audience. And I feel like my brain has just gone too far into beauty. It's too beautiful here. And my brain does this when it's starting to thrive. And so in a way, since society is not designed for thriving in the very fabric of the brain needs to be poisoned, in order to sort of come back down to the resonance of what's really there collectively. Because as Krishnamurti says that I am the world and the world is me. And I do sense this very strongly. Sometimes. I don't, I don't know, I just, I really want to be able to stay here to go to emotional CPR in early April. If I can get to that point. At least that would be great. But I do want to stay here longer. But I do have to be so careful. And if I ended up going back early. I just I just don't know what to do with myself. Because if this little blip was kind of a bit of a so called crisis that's only two months, I thought I would have easily five months at least without a sign of anything, especially being in such a beautiful place. So to have it come on after two months, in this beautiful place, is kind of freaky. And now I'm carrying my zap strap and my Seroquel with me, Everywhere I go, and my phone and my charger just actually be extra safe. And it seems to really help and work. Like as soon as I have those items, I just feel like I can't hurt myself. So it's almost like the brain is scared back to the body. Or the mind is scared back to the body and then part of it is that it's scary. But I also feel safe. So I'm gonna keep taking the Seroquel every day for at least a week. Maybe two, like I did before. But the differences this time it's after two months. But it wasn't a full blown crisis. Like it wasn't Like, last time, it was maybe like before last time, I had a little tiny so called panic attack. And I took out Seroquel, and I didn't need it. And I kept not taking it for a couple of weeks. And then eventually, I needed to take it and go through a full crisis. So I'm wondering if this time I did the thing that I keep saying to myself, I mean to do which is take it at the first sign, instead of being like, okay, I'll ride out this wave, alright, of this wave, and then not taking it. So this time being in the scenario that I'm in where I can't risk going into a full blown crisis, I took it sooner. So maybe I'll have to take it for two weeks, every two months, or something, I don't know. But it just makes me slow and not able to read and, and makes it harder to do some of the tasks that I need to do. But I just really feel like I do need that psychological safety to just come off these meds and, and be healthy. And I just really wish there was a supportive community for that. And there are but it's just a few and far between. So I might lay here and make some videos, and because it doesn't require very much reading is just talking. But I remember last time, not having the urge to make videos at all. So that might happen again. But I could at least catch up on some of the things that I've written. And I was even thinking today about how these videos are good in a way because one day, I could just die, I could just kill myself and it could just be over. And at least by creating this daily without waiting to accumulate some kind of special protocol or how to which I don't really think is possible, then just sort of an acknowledgement of the moment and and maybe putting some of that language out there. Re languaging and playing with language. And that's the thing with a crazy wise Town Hall. They're saying how should we frame this instead of the mental illness paradigm and how do you frame infinity. We're trying to frame something that can be framed. It's this process that No words can ever capture. It's a process of life. I'll talk more about that later. So he had two weeks of dullness. But I'm starting to see that I just have to poison myself back. poisoned my brain so it can't see so much so it can process so much information. So it doesn't get lost in so much beauty. It's almost like learning to ride a horse and taking Seroquel it's like pulling on the reins like whoa, slow down. I can't go that fast. Again, it's not so much about anything. It's not about something. It's not speaking about mental illness or anything. Or speaking about spiritual emergency. It's speaking as the Spirit. So we're trying to speak about the spiritual emergency or mental illness but It's more a matter of what we're speaking as, are we speaking as human beings? Or are we speaking as human beings? The emergence process itself is to disintegrate the me. So if we speak about the me, we're actually reinforcing the me. We need to speak as that which we experienced. But as experience now, each moment, so so we could look back and, and feel how we spoke before feel the quality of where we were speaking from. We were speaking from our experiences in the moment. And so it's not about thinking about those experiences, it's about continuing to speak as the moment and you can't frame that. There's no frame for that. And so all of this dialogue I've had with myself, it's not really a me speaking, and how I feel it. Through the emergence process, we emerge into being just a human being perceiving in the moment, free of stories. So no story can tell adequately anything about that place in us where we speak from. Really, it's about speaking the story of the moment, or the perception of the moment each moment. That stories about that. There's no that there. I don't know if I'm making any sense. And I am curious about this using language differently thing that David Bohm is going to talk about in his book. I feel like just speaking, as the moment is using language differently, whether we use old ways of structuring sentences or not, it's just a different quality of where the words are coming from. Because just to learn different ways of speaking, it will actually change consciousness, eventually to because it's changing the perspective and how we see by saying, I have no idea. Again, the forgetfulness is interesting. And that's part of being scared back into regular consciousness and taking drugs to feel that taking medication, I mean, it's like taking medication to feel again, separate. But interestingly enough, the other end is that consciousness tries to separate itself from the brain and leave the body. I'd love to be able to be supported to just not medicate myself during that and see what happens.
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I had an insight that psych meds in a way are artificial thought. Because the process that is induced by the universe, on the brain is actually something that's beyond thought, which makes up the personal self. It's non personal. And it's a non personal process that gets rid of some of that personal stuff, or all of it temporarily. And we're temporarily disoriented. But in a way, taking psych meds after as a way to maintain an artificial self, a functional center. It's to prevent that universal process from happening. Which makes us somewhat disidentify from our personal selves and act nonpersonally. But the structure of society as it is, doesn't know how to respond to people that are acting in this non personal way. And it eventually gets to a place where that non personal person is feared. And then that non personal person responds to that fear. And then it looks like that person has a personal problem. When really, it's a non personal problem. It's a problem of how to be in this society in this non person state. And I was thinking about how we speak the language of thought and relationship of memory past and the personal self. And I was wondering if one can speak the language of insight, and Gaia an insight into nature. And just keep speaking that language. It's a different way of relating. It's relating one's perceptions. Not relating based on past images. I'm also wondering if I can share some of my insights to myself during the day and self dialog instead of writing them down or saving them for later. We'll see. I was thinking about the concept of healing. And how we need healing because we're not playing and how mania is failed attempts at play. And treatment is to trick us back into the old tricks of societies meaningless meanings. Its remaining our remaining process. And I wonder if we were on our original childlike trajectory, would we need healing? And I wrote down, we don't need supervision, we have supervision. As in Super space vision, and I've been thinking about communication. So I haven't really unfolded what I'm thinking about it in particular, even though all of this is communication. And I looked up the term nature mysticism. And I think that describes reading nature and giving voice to nature and understanding and learning from nature. And I was listening to a talk about spiritual emergency and how the Brazilian spirit has paradigm feels like sometimes it's suppressed mediumship meaning the spiritual emergency or so called psychosis is a result of suppress mediumship or maybe not A way to say that as being highly sensitive and not using those gifts, but in terms of suppress mediumship, I was thinking, to play with those words I was thinking, we are the medium ship, or we are the mediums, ship. And by that I mean the medium is life. And we are the vehicle of that life. So we are the medium ship. Not just that we have medium ship, but we are the mediums ship, and we're not really using that ship. wisely, it would be like having a ship on the sea, or actually trying to put a car on the sea, it's the wrong ship, for that medium. We are the vehicle of human life, and we are using that life wrongly. And then we need healing. And then we need mediums to help us heal. When really the medium is life. And we're just not translating that life with our vehicle of the life that we're given. If we use a ship to try and drive through the sand, it's going to need healing, it's going to need fixing. But if the ship is in the right medium, we don't need any kind of healing or any kind of medium ship, we have the wrong meanings. And then we need healing from wrong meanings. If we weren't programmed with wrong meanings, we wouldn't need healing. And all that really needs healing is perception. Because if we can see we can make meaning. Not Be healed from bad meanings just to have new program meanings superimposed over old, obsolete meanings that only has a limited value. We only need perception moment to moment to see what things really mean. And moment to moment, to make sense with our senses are not able to make sense with our senses, because we're not sensing with our senses. We're superimposing thoughts, structures, and that blocks are senses. Because our senses are blocked, we can't make meaning. And because we can't make meaning we need healing. And I feel like I want to unfold further this whole notion of insight and insight perception and intelligence are closely related. If one can have insight, that means one has perception. And perception is utilized by intelligence. But I feel like insight is a D programming language, whereas thought structures or programs. And I thought of an interesting term, profoundly crazy, because I'm a crazy person yet. Maybe I'm saying some things that are profound, but maybe not. But anyway, it's more of a play on words that I'm profoundly crazy. Whether or not anything that I say has any kind of profundity. Maybe it has pro fun in it. As in for having fun. Duty. And I was thinking about thought, and how we feel like thought is actually healthy, except when it gets too extreme. We feel like it's okay if we have so called healthy thought. And it's sort of like playing in a stream and thinking, Oh, this is fun playing in a stream. But if it's a raging river, then it's too scary. But it's all the same stuff. And a stream can turn into a raging river through the powers of the universe. I feel like insight when one has perception and insight, it produces high quality sound and not the noise of the ego. And I was thinking about how when the ego voice inside is turned up. Then more of our brain capacity is on that. So our vision is turned down. But when the sound inside the interpretation, the map thought inside is turned down. Then our eyes naturally have to be more watchful because it's like putting a blindfold on the ears. The noise is turned down inside. On what we think is happening. And when that happens, we need to turn up our visual capacity to see what is actually happening in order to respond, because we're not responding in accordance with our programming. And I was thinking about when we hear sound on the outside, and we don't know what it is, we look around to see what it is, and we try to figure it out, get all the sounds that we have playing inside of our head are actually the opposite. They're all the things that we think we've already figured out. So the whole thought sound structure is something figuring that it has things figured out. And it tries to figure into the picture. And there are literally image sound figures in the moving picture of reality that has little to do with reality, but are figuring that they've figured it out. It's like this energy that figures it's figured stuff out. So it doesn't really have to look. Maybe it's lazy eyes. And so these sounds prevent listening with our eyes and ears. And with our whole being in the present moment, because these thoughts and sounds are a movement away from the present moment. That current light of the present moment is a current of learning delight. Learning is light, and light as perception. Can we stream learning instead of streaming thought, can we stream the mind they talk about live streaming on the internet and thought is dead streaming is streaming old dead information through our brains. Thought is dead streaming, superimposing the old over the ever new present moment. It's actually a limiter. It's limiting the energy of consciousness, light and the mind and perception, insight and intelligence. I feel like there is a switch for neurogenesis that has something to do with light and sound. So when our brains are in sound, and in light, dominant when we are playing with light and sound in our consciousness, but it's old, recycled, light and sound from memory. It's in a way recycling the brain cells. And I feel like this switch to neurogenesis is when the light comes in. And there's perception. And that alters the brain and helps it to grow. So it's this switch where instead of creating images with the sound of our thoughts, we're producing the sound of our voice in the moment, with the light coming in of perception. I feel like there could be a genetic switch there. Because Dr. Bruce Lipton talks about how perception changes, genetics. So that could even be at this cellular and DNA level, or even at the organismal level of actually perceiving with one's eyes.
Last night, I read a tweet that said something about how observing a number of trees and shrubs and birds can improve mental health. And they did a study where they counted like the number of birds and varieties and things like that, that people would see. And if it affected their mental health. And it showed a positive benefit. And I was thinking, well, I like why do we need science? Like, why are scientists doing science on these like, totally obvious things? Why not just give the money to the people in the study. So they can actually go out and maybe get a bird? instead of studying the obvious. It's so ridiculous. And I had an insight into insight and sharing. Feeling like just by sharing insight, it will maybe provide insight into what it's like to see if I see and speak as that which I see. As opposed to just the me. And in this way, I'm learning a new language. And using language, in terms of perception, which is seeing in the moment, as opposed to thought and past me, constructs. And I remember when I first went into so called mania, six years ago, I was trying to create new words and new language. So I think that was actually part of the process was this instinct to create a new language based on the way my brain was now working. And maybe by speaking in that way, in that new language, which isn't necessarily different from English, but it's using English differently instead of English using us. And that would reinforce that way of seeing and communicating in the brain. So it's the brain wanting to communicate in a different way, based on seeing connections. And I was watching Krishna Murray's talk with Dr. David Bohm, called the future of humanity. And Krishna Murthy mentioned that thought dominates our relationships are that thought has become dominant in human relationships. And I was thinking to myself, well, what else could be come dominant in human relationships, and that might be speaking as insight, or speaking based on insights and perceptions. And again, it's this reversal switch of neurogenesis using the light of perception to create sound, and then doing that together and thinking together. And I had a conversation with one of my friends today. And it seems that we're going to be attempting to play with some ideas and just see what happens. And after our three hour conversation, I, I had this sense that he and I have the same brain. Like we're able to talk that way for that long because we have the same brain. Because I was in a dialogue the other day, and I raised the question. And I don't even know if I said this to myself. That if we all left all our past conditioning at the door, and we were all a clean slate, adult brain. What would we talk about? What would that conversation and dialogue look like? And in that way, I feel like his brain and my brain are pretty congruent. It's almost like, even though our brains aren't entirely conditioning free. We have these same values through our experiences, and I feel like our brains have been transformed and transmuted in the same ways. So we had a conversation and figured out that we can go about this process of being co creative, and just seeing what happens. And I think that's cool because it's a way to have dialogue with another person. To put certain things into play, because it's not just about talking about how a manic brain works, and reframing and creating that context for the manic brain to see itself as just find the way it is. But then also putting the manic brain to work. So it's one way for to see how it works. And it's another way for it to go to work. So we're going to go to work together. And we're going to go to work in the manic way. And which is just infinite and chaotic. And it's almost like this new generating ideas and putting the ideas together. And putting our brains together and seeing what happens. And it's possible that nothing will happen. And it's possible that something will happen. But we can't even really know what that is. And it might take a while for it to kind of get going. Or could I have no idea how it's going to go. But what I'm saying is I was even, I was even saying to him that even in talking with myself, I have to look at the page and then say my idea and then talk for a while and then go to the next. But in conversation with him, we talked for three hours non stop, and there was no pausing to look at a notebook. So there's no editing. So the process of talking to oneself isn't as powerful as putting one's brain together with another. Even just in creating dialogue and conversation, it's more natural, because we can just pass that energy back and forth. And he gave me permission to talk about this to myself. And I want to talk about it here and there. Because it's sort of the next iteration of the conversation is having that conversation with somebody else. And not just about the context I've created for myself, which I can't remember anyways. But what can we create when we both have brains have similar context. And I think that it's one thing to want to heal, and it's another thing to be creative. And then the concept of healing loses its meaning. And I was thinking about even my journey to want to come off meds, if I'm being called creative and able to design a life exactly how I would envision or even an alignment with the vision that I was shown and given the blueprint of in mania, then maybe that is the healing and then the need to basically coming off meds might be easier when I'm living a life that is in alignment with that vision. And the chances of me creating that vision are higher if I'm in alignment with somebody else. And I think I already talked about how psychoactive drugs in a way are a way to keep the psyche and thought, in order when the process of map consciousness is actually something beyond thought. So it's like, taking those drugs is like, artificial thought. Whereas the process of map consciousness is introducing a new form of intelligence. It's not really new, but it's new to most of us. And so it's an artificial self. And I think that's pretty similar to what I talked about with the chemical ego band aid. And I wrote down that the amount of healing we need is inversely proportional to the amount of play and laughter we have. And playing with ideas and being creative. I feel like I feel like that goes along with play. It's a creative play. Because this process, we're going to start doesn't really have a motive and it can go anywhere. So, if it turns into something creative, or business ask, it will almost be like business for manic brains. Because so many of us are thought to be non functional or having a different culture. functioning. But really, it's just that the way our brains function is not being seen. And only we can see it, those of us who experience it. So we'll be playing not just with these ideas, but playing with how we might be able to create stuff. And I feel like insight and perception and intelligence is antivirus software. So again, thought, his mind viruses, our own voice turned against ourself, and insight and perception when we see something, and we understand it changes those structures, so changes the thought and language viruses. And it's a different language. It's a deep programming language. And I also had an insight when I was falling asleep. And I actually got up and wrote it down, because I had one or two, the nights before, and I didn't write them down, and I don't remember them. And I remember feeling like, I like that one, I want to keep it. So I wrote down that if the brain is not seeing meaning, it makes up stories. So it's always making up stories about me, and, and the past and all these things. But if it's seeing meaning, it doesn't need to make up stories. Because it's hearing the language of the actual now, the meaning in the now the relationships, the relatedness. And I had the sense of that, because for some reason, I felt a little story coming into my brain about something. And I sort of just saw this relationship between meaning and stories. Stories are like past content, mixed together and rearranged, and blah, blah, blah, whereas meaning, those stories need to be quiet if we're going to see anything meaningful, because stories are seen as meaning but they're all dead meanings. Or as if we're seeing meanings in the present, which is an ever flowing of all, that doesn't feel like all because it's always just flowing, then our brain isn't going to make up stories. So to go with my co creative project with my friend, I need to see if I can get my brain back into idea mode, and how I want to share those ideas with him. And I feel like I talk about the way my brain works, to use the brain in order to see. So seeing how the brain works, the brain can see if the brain can see how it works, you can then see beyond just how it works, it can see how the universe works because the universe works on the same rules as the brain because the brain is that which we perceive the universe with. And the brain is learning this language of how to talk about how it works. In order to learn another language altogether. It's translating the brain to be primarily this sound resonating device into a device of perceiving the light and giving voice to it. And when we can do that together, we can see the same thing together, we can talk about the same thing, we can unfold the same thing, which is our vision. I have some other notes. But I don't even know if I talked about them. I wrote down that. We try to be good at remembering. But we need to be good at forgetting, forgetting all the stuff that's in our mind. So something else can arise. Because when the brain is quiet, it can respond to the whole field of the mind. And I was talking to somebody and it was interesting, because we're talking about how sound and sight go together and touch and gesture and movement. It's all this holistic thing that we separate the senses like they're these separate things, but really, they're not. By looking at somebody's mouth while they're talking. We can understand what they're saying better. So the movement of their mouth is part of the communication. So in that same way when we're perceiving holistically we're perceiving so many dimensions of the whole field. I was thinking about how sights become sound. Because I came out of a building and I looked up and I saw something I think maybe the moon or something and I said almost out loud, look at that. And I was saying it as if somebody was with me. And in a way, perception seeing something so beautiful. There's this response to give voice to it and share that. Nobody was with me. But I said, look at that. Not just, oh, would you look at that to myself. But look at that. So this perception wants to share the perception and see something together. At the same time, I think there might be a direct correlation and inverse relationship between thought and insight. And as one goes into my consciousness, one has more access to insight, the language of insight, hyper perception, and it's especially energizing and foreign the first time. But one, as one goes into those states more often gets used to that language. And I don't mean language as in just words, but the whole energy field of it, impressing upon our body, mind nervous system, and all of our senses, starts to attune us to that medium. Just like, if we practice going in cold water, we'll get used to being in cold water, and it won't really feel that cold. So it's being acclimated to those higher states or those other states. And then they don't necessarily even feel like higher states, they just feel like natural states that we have access to, just like one can train to run a marathon and have access to that state, physically. But one can also choose to walk. So and walking and running a marathon aren't necessarily better than each other is just different abilities to use one's physicality, in lots of different dimensions of what it means to be human. So it's just these other human dimensions that we might think are strange, because people don't exercise in those domains. They just fear them. That would be like being afraid of a marathon runner, because we can't run a marathon. And I might have said this one too, I need to keep track better of what I'm doing. Because now I'm writing stuff in notebooks. Because if I'm out and about, then I can just look at the notebook instead of having my laptop with my notes. But I wrote, we don't have enough random access memory, when we're accessing memories, randomly. Or even, we think we are this random access memory, this ram on the computer. But usually, there's only several gigabytes of RAM, accessing memory, but the hard drive is comparatively massive. And we can be the hard drive when we just stay in the whole field of information. And then the random accessor becomes the universal process of perception, the light coming towards us the information coming into us. I feel like we are Miss hearing and miss seeing the universe. And we don't hear the universe because we hear the me saying it's versus and I really think I said this stuff, but I don't actually know for sure. And that's the trouble with for me trying to create anything beyond just talking to myself is that I don't have any memory very vague. And I was thinking about Dr. Daniel Siegel, how he says the mind uses the brain to create itself. And when I thought about that, I sort of had this sense. I am the mind. Or when when this identifies from the ego self then one is the mind. There's no i to be the mind. It's just mind. And there was one other thing I saw this wiki article about this. Juana Maria of these islands off the coast of California. Someone told me about it. And then I read her wiki story. And it said something like she was living on this island for 18 years by herself. And then they brought her to the coast. And seven weeks later, she was dead. And they said seven weeks Slater's, she was dead from these diseases. And I was thinking to myself, no, she was in this beautiful paradise and adapted to that. And then she was brought into this toxic society. And seven weeks later she was dead. To me, it was more of an illustration of that, not that she had some kind of illness, she probably had no immunity to the diseases of society, and she wasn't adapted to that at all. And she quickly died. I just made me think of people diagnosed with mental illnesses and how, in a way, our consciousness goes to paradise. And then we come back to this world with everyone else. It's like, we go to this island of Paradise in our mind, that's also here. But our consciousness goes there. And then when our consciousness comes back here, and nearly dies, and I wrote down, make sense of the senses. And then we don't have to make sense, we just sense and I was thinking about this language that it seems my brain is learning to speak. And I wonder if I speak nature. I'm starting to learn the language of this land. The different Bird sounds, the hummingbirds, the lizards, sound of oranges falling. It goes on. When one is perceiving that and learning the language of that movement, and those sounds and those sights and those smells, what else is there and I was reading something by Krishna Murty, and, and he said, if one could be educated to discover the factors that produce order, it would have a great significance. And I have a feeling that has something to do with this language. It's the language of the order of nature, our relationship to it, and that includes us. And I opened a book, and randomly it opened to this page that said, and it was a quote by Krishna Murty, and it was the only quote on the page. It just said, when you destroy nature, you destroy yourself. And I'm pretty sure I talked to myself about how we are nature. So in speaking the language of nature. And speaking as nature, we're actually speaking as ourself. And I actually feel like, people go into map consciousness, sometimes they connect with nature and, and the pain of nature because its nature trying to communicate with us through us at a distance, because it feels that we're disconnecting from it. And that's destroying it. But it's translated into stuff against ourselves eventually, because we are destroying nature. So we're destroying ourselves. within it seems like our thoughts are destroying us. But that's one way that probably nature can destroy us is with our thoughts against ourselves. But it's just nature doing it. It's the whole of everything. There's no separation. That being said, it could happen that if it reaches a point where nature's getting destroyed too quickly. There could just be mass confusion in human beings at some point. To the point where there's more people that are supposedly crazy than sane. I feel like it would be cool to unfold some of this order. Part of that order would be seeing something for oneself. So seeing something directly versus being told and then remembering and then conforming to that as a pattern. When you can see directly for yourself. You don't need patterns, you don't need habits. There might be things that appear sort of habitual to others, but they're not necessary. We need sensitivity freedom to see And to see the relationships between things. And there's an expansiveness in that.
It's 9am. And it's already really warm. And it's nice in the shade. Though I do want to get some sun time in for sure. This morning, I was again listening to the birds. And this one particular spot that there's quite the symphony of birds and a lizard. He's looking right at the sun. And there was this one particular bird song. And I don't know the kinds of birds and what they sing, but it was just so detailed and beautiful, I could just sense that they were really talking to each other. Because one would sing the song and then the other and it was quite complex in terms of the notes and, and the tempo and. And I could hear these little birds chirping, like maybe the mom bird was singing to her baby so they could learn the song themselves. And how her singing the song would almost create the brain cells, those little babies needed in order to sing the song when they grow up. Because I don't think they practice and then get the song wrong, I think they just sing it when they do sing it. So it must be in their brain somehow. But I almost started to tear up just because it's so beautiful. And then I could hear the bees buzzing, it sounded like a faint swarm all around me. But really, it's just so silent that the space is there for the bee buzzing frequency. And even when I was hearing all the birds, I had this sense that all the birds are here together. So they need to have their own song and occupy their own frequency, not just even occupying their own space and time in space and time, but having that frequency for their song. And in the same way, I feel like map consciousness is a different frequency for humans to start singing a different song, giving voice to something different. I just love the sound of the hummingbirds. They sound like little machines like I don't know if you can hear that. Just sounds like a little squeaky mechanical part. But it's this tiny little bird sitting there looking for his friends. And I took a video of the bees buzzing and I've taken a couple other clips of things, and maybe I'll share some of them throughout. Because part of it is learning to speak the language of beauty and nature. And I feel like we could speak a language of beauty just among human beings. But maybe it's easier to learn that language around nature. And I just had this insight that consciousness holds us up in gravity. So at night time we go to sleep. And it's like our consciousness has set just like the sunsets. It's still there. It's just sort of set beyond the horizon. So when our consciousness sets, it's this inner darkness where we're not really conscious, and we go to sleep and we're no longer holding ourselves up in gravity. So consciousness in a way is anti gravity. And gravity has an effect on matter. But I'm not sure if it has an effect on light. So in this conversion of matter into light through perception, perhaps gravity has less of an effect. And the other thing with the BS is I heard this loud be buzzing. And I'm going to let the crow have his time on the video. And I will occupy my own space and let him crow in between because that's fine. But the bee It was such a loud bee and I looked over and it was a big Bumblebee And it was like 30 feet away. Yet I could hear this thing. Like it was right beside me. And again, that's the silence. And I feel like the same thing can happen with silence and consciousness, then one can sense things a lot more strongly, even if they're far away different energies and vibrations, and perceptions. What do you want? And I realized last night that now might be a good time to go through my old original manic notes for some of my strange ideas. Since my friend and I are going to be playing with strange ideas, not all of them strange, but just playing with ideas together in this manic creative way and and see what happens. It's sort of like what happens when two people that have been labeled with stuff, put their brains together in knowing that their brains have something that they want to unfold and create not knowing exactly what that is, and seeing what happens. So I have been unfolding and creating this self dialogue with myself. And now what do I create with somebody else, which is something beyond just talking to myself about reframes about map consciousness and transconsciousness that as a certain value, but then understand map consciousness and transconsciousness. For what? It's one thing to create the context is the next thing to be embodied as creating with an understanding of that context. Hey, that was funny. I went Hey, and the purpose Hey, that's enough to make a video here. What is this bird understand that I'm trying to make a video? I'm trying to talk to myself. I listened to the birds all morning. And I'm done listening to the birds. Yeah, no, I don't care. Why don't you make like a bunny and be quiet bird. It seems like he's applying the principle of if you're lost. If you've lost your mom, stay put, don't move she will find you cannot go with anyone else. So he's just sitting there calling out. He is he's lost the radius of awareness because I've noticed that so many of these birds they call to each other back and forth. And the bird closest to me calls out and then I can hear a bird far far away. And they seem to stay within earshot of each other. Who knows if their hearing is more or less sensitive but Hummingbird Yeah, I don't know if this bird is gonna give me my silent external space. I remember now talking about finding dialogue partners as a kind of dating in a way. Wanting to share that space and time but not necessarily physical space. And it seems like I found a co creative brain We'll be supporting each other in our co creation, not just trying to help each other with symptoms and things. So in that way, we're acknowledging the original process and how the brain enters a creative hyper learning state. And going with that, as opposed to trying to fix our symptoms. Yet we both have this understanding that our brains might possibly go into hyperspace hyperspeed. But we'll be able to support each other in that. Again, it's about just create, it's the process, it's not about what it's not about a goal. It's not about a particular thing, because that narrows it down, part of it will possibly be showing the process of getting into a supported creative process. And it could be like being parallel quantum processors. In a way, we might need to gather more brains, but I'm not sure the other brains would really have to get it. Because we were talking to each other about how we've known each other for a year and a half. We've been having long conversations here and there throughout. So because of that, we have established trust and understand that we share the same values. I even said to him, that I wouldn't even care if he took all my ideas. They're not even my ideas. And then if he just took them all and stopped talking to me, I would only care that he stopped talking to me, but not about the ideas. Because in this process, there's an understanding that ideas are unlimited, and we can't carry them all out on our own. Nor do we want to, there's ones we don't want to even do, but maybe somebody else does. So I talked about this before how in business, a person will get one idea and I'll work 20 years on it. Whereas people with these types of brains that go into the creative stage, get 1000 ideas in a day, yet can't do anything with them. So there's this idea about the scarcity of ideas. And in a way ideas might be a new currency, and exchange, and then people that carry them out. can do so the ones that want to. So we sort of unfolded something, but who knows what will happen with it. And there'll be just part of this self dialogue by itself dialoguing about co creation, possibly. And even in myself dialogues, I've talked about things that I want to create. So it's possible that that will be made more possible throughout this co creative process, I can sort of see that it's a process of making things possible. And I had an insight I've been saying that our own voice gets turned against ourselves. But then I also realized that our own voice is ourself. It creates the ego, self and the me it's just our own voice repeating in our head. And when we see that, that's not anything at all, then it loses its strength. And I mentioned that map consciousness is a deep programming language. And I talked before about how it seems like this whole process where the brain can have altered states of consciousness is a failsafe so the brain which is a living thing, can't get programmed into machine like action and we already have but it ensures that we can't ultimately get programmed into machine like action and the D programming language is life itself. So thoughts are mechanical machinery that get us to act based on programs. And life itself is the D programming language, the energy of life and living in chaos and complexity and change and flux and flow. And also actually just seeing nature and understanding the language of nature will be programmers from being so identified with this me self that we think is so important. So life itself cannot be written over by words. And words are constructs and things we use to judge and categorize things. But by is not actually according to human categories, those categories can be somewhat useful and beneficial, but they can also be very destructive. Yet words, which are very limited and categories and human abstractions and concepts cannot write over life, life created those words. So life would not have within itself the allowance for words, which is a very small subset of life, to destroy life. So life allowed words and language to evolve, but now, it seems like that has been used to to much detriment. And so we're having people born not able to acquire language, or something like that. Words can be used to point out life's artful relatedness. Or it can be used for division. And we each have an inner dictator, it's dictating with words, what we should see and categorize and judge and, and those are all programs were moving according to, and there are no dictators, it's just thought. So I saw that very clearly last night when I was getting ready to go to sleep. And that one almost freaked me out. When I see those things that are, they can be warped in a kind of scary way. Because I feel like in so called psychosis is thought it's it's all of that energy. And it's, it nearly destroys a single person. But if one is able to see through that and, and get through it, maybe one day, one can just brush those words off one sleeve and understand that those words cannot destroy the life that one is. So even if those words are going on in the mind and consciousness, trying to get the organism to destroy itself, if one just plays there and surrenders, it can't do that words cannot destroy life. And so in learning this language of relatedness and insight, when one sees that relatedness and that we are nature, one doesn't destroy nature, and then nature starts to respond to us again. So Hummingbird I don't know if you saw that. Post. So cool. I've never won. I've never seen one in the middle of the air like that. So hopefully you saw that. Apparently, in a couple of weeks, there'll be a lot of hummingbirds here and I'll try and get some video. I feel like seeing hummingbirds heals the brain. Such a miraculous being. And the other day I heard a siren for the first time. And it was actually because I was outside walking and I was listening to some of my video. audios I've only listened to a couple and I heard a siren from the video audio. And I was like whoa, I didn't heard an ambulance or fire truck in three weeks. And I was thinking about how getting used to cold water turns off the shivering response and how getting used to manic consciousness or even just a flux and flow and consciousness turns off the the behaviors that we need to prune out response so just like if one first jumps in a freezing cold pool of water, they're going to jump out in a big reaction. So, when one gets used to this flux and flow of consciousness, this sensitivity and one starts to understand what one is sensitive to. That one doesn't have such a on off reaction like move towards a runaway, one can start to be with it and understand the richness of that and understand that staying with it will give an unfolding flowering of information. Because we're so used to with our ego judgments. Good, bad, right? Wrong, yes, no desire pain. It's just so on or off. So when we first get in touch with this richness that isn't about on or off, yes or no, we still have that response. And so we can have so called behavior problems. When it's not that it's just, we're learning how to be with that richness with the old pattern behaviors that were used to have fight or flight or good or bad or, oh, yes, that suits my little fancy that I've been programmed to be attuned to or not.
Last night, I woke up, because I had a tickle in my throat, while I hadn't quite fallen asleep yet. And at the same time, I had this heart pounding, and sort of fear and sort of like this subtle fear of death at the same time, and it was really interesting. And I felt like writing down that death is a tickle in the back of the throat while falling asleep and getting used to it. It just felt like a very quick and subtle dying. But in a way, it could be good. Because getting used to that daily depth, as opposed to waiting for that big one to accumulate every six and a half to eight and a half months as it is, from my internal process, it seems. Maybe it would be better to have just a small daily one than waiting for that big one. And I was talking in my last video about getting used to the cold turns off the shiver reflex. And I wonder if getting used to map consciousness or mania or higher states and fluxing states might turn off the shiver of psychosis. And interestingly enough, when I've had so called psychosis, I usually do have a shiver response. And I also had a bit of a sense that that time when my consciousness left my body and went into a bird, and I was flying all over the place. And then it went into other things as well. But I had this thought that maybe my consciousness went into the bird to fly everywhere, and see what's happening from a perspective of a bird. So in a way, I had this bird's eye view of the world, even though I don't remember seeing it, I just remember being the bird. And the sensations of that. But I had the sense that the mind is trying to see through the brain, the one mind that makes up everything, the one consciousness, it sees through the birds it sees through brains. The brain is sort of the physical apparatus that allows the mind to see itself and all aspects of itself. So by being a bird temporarily, consciousness was able to have a bird's eye view. And it seems that humanity has its own images of me. And its own individual needs and desires and goals apart from the mind. And that actually blocks the mind from seeing itself. And it blocks the human from seeing itself as everything else, as connected and related and an aspect of the all. So I feel like in that experience, in a way my consciousness died to this body temporarily left my body and went into a higher consciousness than even being a human being, which is a bird, which maybe isn't even higher consciousness, per se, it's just as a different way of seeing. One can see further what's happening in the world. Like a bird must kind of know there's something wrong when there's not enough trees for it to have a proper community of its own species and other bird species, etc. So the mind wants to see through the human brain, because the mind is seeing through the brain full of its own stuff full of its own memories and experiences, which have nothing to do with nature. And we are nature. And it doesn't mean there's no place for human constructs, but by seeing through the mind, the human constructs would likely take their natural place because right now they're more expensive. Turning, like cancer, cancer destroys the body and humanity is destroying its body which is Earth, Earth is our real body. Without the earth, we wouldn't have bodies. Maybe that's what's missing in terms of planets being inhabited is that consciousness has to imbue the planet with consciousness in order for life, to arise from that consciousness. And it's possible that other planets could have life on it, and we might be looking right at it, and we would still not be able to see it. Because we look at our planet, and we can't even really fully be with the life that's on our planet, we can't really sense it. So if we can't fully sense the life here, how would we be able to sense the life on another planet if we can't sense the life of a bird here? And its importance? How would we even have the sensitivity to even sense other forms of life, we can't even see what's right in front of us, we can only see our own constructs. And so if we're looking for our own constructs on other planets, which have nothing to do with life, then we're never going to find it. For some reason, A Course in Miracles popped into my head. And I was thinking that map consciousness is sort of like a course in magic, which is similar to miracles. And I was also thinking that it's sort of like magic coursing through the body. It's sort of a course and being animated by that magic, which is just life. It's being animated by life as opposed to thought structures and patterns. It's being animated by the moment. And in a way, it's a different obstacle course. So normal consciousness has its ego thought structures as the obstacle course. It's trying to get past the obstacles that it itself has imposed upon itself. And by doing that, it creates the self. It's not a very interesting game does a tiny spider on my phone, doing the obstacle is the ego. And the only real thing to do is just see past it. And that shouldn't be that difficult, because it's just the sort of illusion of thoughts and sounds, and images. Just look at a real something and you're seeing past it, looking without the word about the thing that one is looking at. And it could be that the obstacle of the game, I don't know if that's how you say that the objective of the game. And it could be that the objective of the game is to live a life without the obstacle of the obstacle maker. I feel like if we're sensitive to these things, then life is rich, and we are rich, and we are richness. It's not just about the nine senses, or five senses, depending on how you look at it. They all melt together, and then they're flux and flow creates this infinite richness of sensing. So the five senses become sensitivity. And we speak is that sensitivity. It's not just about hearing and touch. It's understanding the whole language of all the senses together. And when we do that, we can actually understand the language of the sense impressions that we're getting in the moment. And speaking as that we've narrowed life down to a few desires, wants goals. So we have this very limited band of goals and desires. And we make life about seeking out that which could be an infant decimally small amount of the richness available in reality and in life. So we're looking for a needle in a haystack because we have this very selective thing that we're looking for. But if we're just looking that which we're looking at, impresses upon our sensitivity, and gives us the sense of richness, moment to moment. Not richness because of a certain thing. It's just a richness of being alive. But most of us don't feel alive because we're looking for a needle in a haystack. And we've been told that once we find that needle, we're going to be happy when happiness is being sensitive to the richness of the moment, because it's so infinite. It's so infinite. Like yesterday, I was talking to my friend for three hours, and I was on the phone, but I noticed this pink blade of grass. And I kind of meant to take a picture of it. But I forgot. And then when I got back to inside, I thought, Oh, I want to take a picture of that pink blade of grass. And I was telling someone about when I was manic I was being all creative, the very first time with knickknacks. And then I told him about, oh, I need to take a picture of a pink blade of grass. And he said you're still the same as that just in a different way. So it's still being sensitive to the relationships of things, just in a different context. And it's still very rich, but it's not as energizing as at first was because it was just such a new state to be in. And I still don't know what my consciousness would be like if I wasn't taking lithium, which seems to sort of keep me slow down to some extent, weighted down by that heavy metal still attached to the earth. So just to notice a pink blade of grass. And that's the richness, the richness is of perception. And then it's always changing, there's always something new and different. And that's, again, the richness, instead of always looking for the same kind of thing. When we're not looking for anything, infinite kinds of things can impress upon our sensitivities, and speak to us in a different language, it's the language of sensitivity, it's the language of life, instead of the language of me and what I want, what we might want is for there to be no me. And in this non wanting state, we have everything. But in a way, it's hard to believe that that's true. Because if we watch TV, we see people with things and drama and all that and we think well that's what happiness is. Because it's on TV and it's entertaining. And the people on TV must be happy because they're on TV and bla bla like it goes on like that. A show that just showed someone sitting there and then noticing a pink blade of grass. And then going over and taking a picture of it would not be entertaining. Yet to the one who's able to be in that state. It's infinitely rich in such ways that one would never watch TV. I was watching a TED talk by someone named Aaron banach. And he was talking about how to be happy by not being your best self. And that resonates for sure because I've talked about the importance of being one's best self, or that we get in touch with it in mania, but I also feel like I haven't yet re joined with that best self that I was But I also have the sense that I don't care, it doesn't matter. So I'm not yet that version of myself, and maybe I never will be, maybe it'll be something different and better. And it's not even about better or worse, it's just about having that blueprint of how to be as a human being fully living in the moment. Yet, it's important to actually not always be living fully in the moment because one is around people that aren't living fully in the moment. So one has to sort of default to programs where those are necessary. And that's part of the process of intelligence as well. It's important for me to sort of default to the program of mental patients somewhat, when I'm talking to psychiatrists not be like, Oh, I'm living in the moment, let's go for coffee, like, they would just think I'm crazy. So. But he said, we can't describe feelings. So going for happiness, when we can't describe it is kind of off. And I was thinking that with the sensitivity, when we're not thinking all the time, when we're just sensitive, we can't describe that sensitivity. It's a richness that we feel, and, and sense and perceive. And we can give voice to some of it, we can't fully describe it. So this richness, then may be talking about can't really describe it. Because if I tried to describe each rich moment, that would be impossible. But one knows when one's connected to it. So one might no one one's happy, but can't really describe that one knows when one is sensitive, but can't really describe that. And when we first get connected to that sensitivity, we try to describe it in terms of the me. And we try to describe it in terms of desire, and pleasure, pain. And all these ways. We're used to describing things yet that doesn't describe the richness, but that's the only language we know. So what I'm saying is even to learn the language of sensitivity, doesn't mean that a person can fully unfold, the richness and sensitivity of each moment, that's impossible. So it's a language of the senses. It's the language of sensitivity, not just the senses. It's not just I hear this, I see this. It's a sensitivity that is infinite within itself. And we talk about the sixth sense. It's kind of like the sixth sense. But the sixth sense is an infinite sense. It's sensing it's when all the senses, combined plus the sixth sense. So the six senses or I've even heard the nine senses. So it could be the 10th sense. They all meld together in their fluxing. So sometimes for active or infinite or active and, and it's such a flow that you can't separate those things. And then you can't separate yourself from the sensitivity that you are you can't separate yourself from from nature. I feel like this sensitivity is the richness. And he drew a little diagram where he showed happening. Thought, feeling behavior. So then he was talking about controlling one's thoughts, which that's probably one of the most common notions in terms of happiness is control your thoughts. And Krishna Murty would say that thinker is the thought. So it's just thought controlling thought there is no separate me in there controlling the thought because the me is thought and trying to control it actually creates the me because it's the center entity made up of thought I might have just ate a bug I don't know. So I drew another diagram and I don't know if it's true. And it's just for fun to sort of compare it. I wrote happening. sensitivity, per se perception, action. And the reason it goes like that is because one needs sensitivity. Otherwise one isn't going to have true perception. One is going to have deception and thought is actually deception. And he gave an example of if a train and now announcement starts and says the train is going to be laid. Then there's a thought interpretation of that Now one could hear the train is going to be late while looking at a flower pot that is on the platform and have no reaction at all to the fact that the train is going to be late. So what I'm saying is, if there's sensitivity, one could be sensitive says something else other than this announcement. And you know, thoughts in our brain in a way are just announcements, and we're paying attention to them. And then we're judging our own announcements in our brain, our own thoughts, who's judging that like, it doesn't, there's no who there is just this high. It's just this associative process. And these associations create the me because everything in the brain is associating everything to the me in relation to me and what that means for me and my day, and my efficiency, and blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, there's flowers and trees and beautiful things that one could be looking at. So what I'm saying is people don't question thought itself. And there can only be sensitivity when the brain is completely silent and quiet. Obviously, if one is going to have this richness of sensitivity of all the senses, holistically receiving everything, there can't be noise, a sound going on, that's going to mess up that algorithm, of the beauty of the flux of the richness of sensitivity. And it's just this algorithm of Me, me, me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it has nothing to do with anything. So I don't think thinking better thoughts, to feel better feelings, to behave better is anything to do with happiness. Happiness, if there is such a thing as just seeing things clearly, of course, people can be happy when they're living according to their own associative deceptions. And that process is creating the illusion of the separate me. And it's not like there's no being or entity there. But that entity, that sensitivity is being blocked by the sounds of the me, which is thought going around in circles. So that's Association, whereas when one is sensitive, the brain is more on the extrapolative holographic quantum processing state, we try to moderate feelings with thoughts. And to me feelings are the result of thinking a similar thought many times, and that sort of gets congealed into a feeling complex. So then, when one thinks that thought, again, by picking out that bit of information from the infinity in front of oneself, then one has that feeling again, and one's just addicted to that feeling. And when one is addicted to personal feelings, one cannot be sensitive. To the entire universe, one's only sensitive to oneself, the me, which isn't even real, it's just sounds about past experiences. And in a way, if we didn't have those sounds about past experiences, saying that that's actually important, we'd probably just all walk off into the forest. So it's one of the things holding us to this crummy societal structure that we've all created to imprison each other with. I'm going to go back to the hummingbirds.
I just, I just witnessed the course thing about Woodpecker. picking on a roof, I'm thinking, why would it pick on a roof. But I hear a woodpecker so far away picking on a roof. And if he was just packing on a tree, that sound would not travel that far. It's like they have a cell phone. Because they're not just backing on trees, they're able to pack on metal structures that humans have created, and stay in contact at further distances. Last night, I was editing my videos. And then I noticed a 32nd clip that I had added after my last video, and I don't usually do that. But I didn't add it into the video. So instead, I was listening to an audio by Krishnamurti and David Bohm. And it was really rare. I'm not even sure if anyone else has listened to it in many years. But the exact thing that Krishnamurti says on that audio tape, it's a cassette tape, I'm using a Discman took me a while to find one that works. And it doesn't even have a rewind button. It's only as fast forward. But Krishnamurti is talking about the nothingness. And how there's nothing inward, he's saying there's no inner. There's only outer, even the brain is outer the, if there are any thoughts there outer. And it seems kind of paradoxical to some of the things he says like the inward revolution and turning inward versus turning for entertainment. But I only realized that paradox this morning. But what was interesting to me is, had I added in that clip, I would have listened to it and then listened to the Krishna Murty talk and maybe not really noticed, but I just finished listening to the Krishna Murty thing. And then I just somehow happened to watch that clip that I made. And I was saying the same thing. I'll put it in here, the magic animation of the universe and creation, and not the inner machinations of blank. And I say blank, because it's nothing. There's nothing there. There's no thing inside us. There's no me inside us. And I find that's what happens is that it's always a reversal of things like something happens, and then it's not confirmed afterwards. But just the ordering of things. I'm not sure how that works. But I just thought it was pretty interesting. Because when I was listening to the Krishnamurti stuff, I was thinking I've never quite heard him say things this way before. Yet I had just said that same thing earlier that day, in self dialog, not by planning to say it, but just actually came out spontaneously. And perhaps that doesn't mean anything at all, except that there's this connection to truth as opposed to speaking from the ego. Perhaps when one speaks as the moment there's always some relevance to truth, whatever that is, I don't even know what the word truth means. A lot of people talk about it, but it's not really one that resonates with me. Maybe because It sounds so static. And I don't really see anything as static. Even though Krishnamurti says, truth is a living thing. There's no truth. But there is a truth. It's just this living thing and being with that living thing, and living as that living thing, yet even that sounds like duality, it sounds like there's a separation, and there's no separation. So that's what he's talking about with the inner nothing is that then there's no separation, if there's an inner something, then there's automatically a separation. So yeah, I was just really struck by the fact that I heard something of Krishnamurti that I hadn't really heard before, and it was something subtly profound. And then I watched myself say it, and I had said it earlier that day, in a similar way, yet, it didn't feel subtly profound coming out of my mouth. grieving, hearing it from myself, I was just noting that it was very similar. And perhaps, we're pointing to the same thing. And the thing of that is that anyone has access to it, or no one has access to it. Sort of like we need to be nobody in order to access it, then who's the one accessing it? It's so paradoxical, it's impossible to put into words, because when one speaks words, another listening assumes there's this separation, they're speaking the words. And that separation is trying to impose something upon the other separation, but the non separation is trying to speak about the non separation. So that the other who was in even other sees, or there is a seeing, there is no separation. And there's nobody that can do that. There. So trying to see is, again, a goal or a desire, which negates the whole thing. So that needs to be negated and see how the language is just circular one can talk in circles all day long. And interestingly enough, that's what we do in our head with our ego. And we're kind of seeking for that which sees, and when one sees one can speak in circles, but from nothingness, as opposed to from ego thought, if we were to share our thoughts in our head, we could probably only speak for a few minutes, if we shared all the prominent thoughts in our head that we have on a daily basis. But if we speak is nothing then we can speak for hours, or not speak for hours, it doesn't really matter. And I have no idea if that's true, it's just a subtleness. And one has to be nothing in order to sense that subtleness and make sense of that subtleness. Even yesterday, in my video, when I was editing it, I noticed that that crow finally was quiet. And he was quiet because all of a sudden another CRO was calling in the distance. And then there was a different call. And then when the CRO that was close to me heard his friend, he had a different sound. And it was like, yeah, you found me. There you are. And it was so cool. Just to see that in the background. And I missed that one I was talking. So in talking, we miss things. I was talking to myself and self dialog, and I missed that rejoining of the crows. And how much do we miss in actuality, when we're talking to ourself in our head, but we don't see that as actually deleting most of the information. We see that as talking about the information we're receiving. Anyway, I don't know if anyone has seen that experiment. There's a video that if you look, it's about watching people pass the basketball around. And maybe I'll put the link below this video. I don't generally do that. But just count how many times the person passes the basketball. And focus on seeing if you can get the right number of passes between the people in the video. It's pretty difficult. So keep your eye on the ball. And then the next video, maybe I'll talk about the results. And this isn't new I saw this years ago, but it's just sort of illustrating this again. And I'll make more of a video later. I'm going to go have some breakfast.
I was just at a dialog and I had this sense to come in dialogue with myself about some insights I might have had. And it seems like the wind wants to talk to me too. And the spot is nice and shady. It's really warm. And I do like the warm. But it doesn't go well with technology, my phone feels like it's gonna explode, because it's so hot. Plus, the sun shines in my face, or it's shining in the screen. Blah, blah, blah. And we were talking about social responsibility, and sort of some of the debacles in the world right now. And there was this. I'm not sure I don't generally talk about dialogues I have. Because generally, I don't have dialogues with other people, but myself. So I'm not sure if I want to give the context of the dialogue or just the insight that I had. But I'm sensing that I came up with a question what happens when we don't see any problems? Because there's the whole idea about problems out in society, and what can we do about them. But if we meet another person with the background of the problems of society, we're not really meeting that other person. And if our awareness is focused on the promise of society, then that will prevent action in the moment, because we're not responding to the moment or responding to the program's of societal problems we've been trained to respond to through media. And when we have that, in our awareness, there's no way we can act fully adequately in the moment. So what happens when we don't see any problems. And that's not to say there aren't any problems. But if we're meeting the moment with past problems, we can't meet the moment and solve a problem in the moment that's actually there. We can't even see that problem, if there is one. So Krishna Murty would say the brain has to be free of all problems in order to solve problems. So if our brain is full of problems, and we meet the moment, we can't solve anything. And I wrote down that problems are just words. So I could be thinking about the words of the problems of society right now. That's just a bunch of words, and what's actual as what's right in front of me. And I think I want to go through some of it quickly, because there's so much of it, and I don't want to be editing videos too much. Maybe one a day not too. And I was thinking about thoughts and how, when our thoughts are continuously going, they lead us to sleep, just like TV noise when we're falling asleep. It'll make us go to sleep for a lot of people. Whereas if we're just about asleep, and somebody comes in the room and turns the TV on, it's gonna wake us up. So I was thinking that when there's more space between thoughts, than arising, thoughts might actually have more of a waking up effect. But when they are droning on constantly and repeating, then they actually just lowest asleep. And I was only thinking about that in terms of maybe thought appeared in evolution or in the consciousness of human beings as a warning system. And there was some element of being able to predict and think about things. But it has taken on a life of its own and established that there's this me thinking, when really, it could just be thoughts arising in consciousness that have some value if they're spaced apart. But if there's no space, it drones on. And then we're actually asleep while we're awake. Because that thought stuff is going on and our attention is on it. So we actually feel like we are awake because it is supposed to wake us up in a way. Not not supposed to supposed to. But Originally, it was to, perhaps help keep us alert. Just like somebody coming in and turning on the TV right when we're about to fall asleep. It would wake us up it'd be a jolt, but it's no longer a jolt because it's just one after another after an Another, so perhaps thought with lots of space with no thinker, so there's no problem with thought innately. But to think there's somebody thinking the thoughts. And that happens when there's no space between the thoughts. Because the non space, the constant drone creates this illusion of a thinker. Whereas if it was a thought, and then two minutes later, there's another thought there would be no thinker, there would be no constant noise for one to think that there's something thinking the thoughts. And that goes along with what Krishna already said in that talk that I was mentioning that there's nothing there. So when there's no inner when there's no internal when there's nothingness, there might be a thought, but it's not my thought. It's not I'm thinking a thought is just something external, just like the tree. And so I did kind of I did kind of see what he was saying with that. And I thought of a question, why do we meet people with all of our problems? Why do we meet people with that background? Why don't we have a blank brain? The common brain of humanity, the common consciousness? And somebody in the group said, How do I be sane in the situation? And I was thinking about that in terms of mental health. Because if everybody realized that it's hard to be seen in this situation, there might be a little bit more compassion for those people that appear to go temporarily insane. And people brought up knowing what's going on, or the need to know what's going on in the world. And I was thinking, is that really what's happening? That's what it says in the news or some media, but is that really what's happening. And even if it is, that's what's happening somewhere. And it's a very small bit of reality. And it's not even a real bit of our reality, because it's something we can't act on. In that way. It's sort of an outlier. And in science, they just ignore outliers. So perhaps it's something that it's good to be aware of that outlier. But they don't design their science and the rest of their life around the outlier. And it's an out liar is lying, and getting us to believe it. And it's not that it's not true. But the more we put our awareness on it, it's just this food that is poisonous, and it's draining our energy that we have to act on things that are actual for us. And for me, I see the hummingbirds that's actual. And that's going to change my neurophysiology and ways to see more hummingbirds in nature and, and be connected with that beauty, and see beauty and have the brain attuned to beauty instead of all the toxicity in the world. And I brought up the example of listening to the news for two hours, is not even as powerful as smiling at someone spontaneously for two seconds, because that one thing is actual, whereas the other is feeding the incapacitation. There's capacity and smiling, whereas there's incapacitation, and listening to things that we have no capacity to affect. And then we have our attention on that. And less attention on the moment where we could have some kind of effect. Its mass distraction against our own brain, we're distracted from the present moment, which is the only place we have the power to act or do anything. And the other thing too, is if we listen to the news for two hours, that is going to actually decrease the probability that we're going to smile at the next person we see. So it's going to get so distracted, that we're not in tune with our gestural apparatus, which is the thing that can actually do something. So I feel like focusing on problems decreases our responsibility in the moment our ability to respond to the moment we're responding to something programmed, it's programming and that is altering our movements. For the day we're being warped by that programming. Responsibility has nothing to do with shuffling words in one's mind. If we have a river of words, in our mind, we can't see the river and flow of light hitting our perception actually feel like words are trapped light. It's interpreted light and saving it for later in memory. And I actually realized that that's recorded holographically. So in a way as we move through reality, when we record things in our memory, we're actually putting out this algorithm of a holographic net which is Gathering the light the image as well as the sound, which is the word interpretation of what that means. And the more we do that, the more we're only seeing those interpretations overlaid on the present moment. And we're picking that out holographically. And I feel like really, we need to shed that algorithm of holographic recording, in order to have a quantum brain not having the interference of the interference pattern of the holographic memory that we have. And that's old light and old sound that is distorting our brain. Because it's old Light and Sound distorting, we can't see the relationships and possibilities and collapse wave functions. Because our wave functions are already being collapsed by the waves of light and sound that are old, the interference pattern. And I feel like when we think about social responsibility, if we think about it as problems out there, and then we can't do anything about it, we're thinking we can't do anything about it. And that transfers into the moment. And then we don't act in the moment. Because we're busy reacting to the problems that we heard on the news, which are sounds and images we recorded in our minds. If our awareness is on thought, it's away from the moment. And then that is inaction because we can't act in the moment. So thought inactivates action. And somebody asked, Where does action come from. And I feel like action goes with perception. And they are talking about action as opposed to reaction or response as action as opposed to reaction. And to me reaction is reacting to thought or acting based on thought programs, which is old. So it's re acting, acting out a program. And the question of freedom came up, and it's freedom to observe without choice, because choice is the judge, it's picking out the bits to react to. And somebody mentioned flow as non separation, and how it was seamless. And I wrote it seamless, when the one that seems seems to stop seeming. And somebody mentioned, it's superficial, to stay separate. And superficial is relating based on the images of thoughts and reacting. And I see that the depth or the deep is being with the whole totality. And being that and being as that then one is just that depth without having to think one is deep. Because the thinking is the surface and the depth is all of it everything. So in a way when we're carrying those thoughts and programs. We are that superficially, whereas if we're everything else, to the exclusion of that superfish reality, then we meet everything with that depth. And I was thinking about the Truman delusion or how some people actually feel like they're on The Truman Show when they go into math consciousness. And I was sensing that. That is when one actually connects with the fact that one is the watcher, when is the sear? One is that by which we see. But in that sort of sense, there's still a sense that I'm also that which I observe. So that's sort of when the observer is the observed. But it's a strange sensation. So we feel like maybe we're in a movie or something. We are the watcher watching ourselves. And I feel like seeing is required for response for action. And I wonder if there's a happening that happens, without saying what's happening, or what happened, and what we're seeing based on our thoughts, which is not seeing at all. We can't see the messages from nature, we can't read nature. We can't read that richness and when we can't read that richness because we're reading the past. Then that's when everything else comes in. We are each a perspective of light and life. We are all life from our ticular perspective. And we talked about looking at oneself, and I feel like, it's more like looking as the self or the oneself. And that means having a clear brain. If we all had blank brains as human beings, in terms of me and my desires and memories and stuff, we would all be able to see the same thing because we wouldn't have all these past things getting in the way. And so in that way, can we look at that oneself, that one consciousness that we all are. And I had a sense that the dialogue was also self dialogue, because it's just different aspects of the oneself talking to the oneself. And I feel like dialogues or living conversations. And it seems even in daily life, we want to share meaning. But usually, we end up having conversation about the meanings that we've been programmed to talk about, on the news or on TV and things like that, because we can't see the messages and the meaning of our daily life. And if we could see that we wouldn't talk about the past stuff and programs and, and all of this meaningless stuff that we think is meaningful, because we're bombarded with it. And we're bombarded with it. So we can't see the present moment and see the meaning in the present moment, and talk about that. And that would be dialogue. And I had the sense that human beings are dialogical creatures, or even that life is dialogical. It's having this dialogue with itself. And sharing meaning. And any interaction and communication, there has to be a sharing of some kind of meaning. Whether it's an energetic level, or subatomic level or, or biological level, there has to be this understanding, there has to be this exchange of meaning. This flow meaning yet, as humans in our daily life, we share and base it on the meaning. So the meaningless meanings we've been programmed with to talk about blind us. And that blindness prevents us from seeing meanings in the moment and sharing that. And so in terms of changing things, if we can't share meaning about the moment, nothing's gonna change. Because if we're just sharing meanings about memories and and things we're told are meaningful. They're no longer relevant. And somebody raise a question, do we need to step away from that? From our programming and image making thoughts? And I feel like there's nobody there to step away from it. But also, when we see that it we don't even step away from it, we just drop it because it has no meaning. If we saw we were carrying around a rotten egg for the last 20 years, it was so rotten. And disgusting. We wouldn't say, oh, should I hold on to it? Should I step away from it? We're just drop it. But the trouble is, we think those images and things still have some kind of meaning and value, like, oh, maybe I can sell this rotten egg on eBay, because I've been carrying it for 20 years. Maybe I need it in case one day, I'm starving. And I just happen to have this rotten egg, I can at least eat something. And I feel like again, this holographic algorithm is this net, that is recording the lights and sounds according to the past recording of light and sound. So it's just a slight variation. And it's just recording all the examples of that algorithm of what it is we're supposed to be making meaning of and those things are meaningless. Then eventually we have this accumulated life and memories of all of this meaningless stuff. And that could be the allostatic load as well. And that's it. What needs to be dropped? Is that algorithm and all the it's and seeing that that algorithm has no value for recording and dropping it with all of its recordings. And it's kind of like, why don't we see that thought equals blah? It's blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's just blah, blah, blah. And can we realize when we're speaking and acting and reacting from the blah, blah, blah? Can we get to quantum perception, it's the quantum algorithm of seeing and collapsing the wavefunction into actuality. Instead of continuing along the trajectory of dirt roads, which is dirty, light and sound, all these old dirt roads and our consciousness. And I was actually thinking about Dr. Daniel Siegel's term allostatic load. And I actually think there could be a term called hollow static load, which is the accumulated Light and Sound images that we have recorded in our brain, and how that is stressful, and it's a reaction and those reactions causing motions, which those molecules block receptors for absorbing nutrition. So by emoting based on this whole static load, we're actually destroying our body and not seeing life. The hall a static load is the me and all of us recordings. And do we know when we're speaking from our hollow static load? Or are we speaking from the quantum dynamic perception that we have the flow of light and not capturing that light not recording it because it can't be captured, it can't be recorded. If we don't record it, we're seeing something new all the time. There's always something new, even if we sat on a beach, by ourselves for the rest of our life. If we had dynamic quantum perception, we would see something new continuously. And we would be that new. Our thoughts are touching us and guiding us or misguiding us as opposed to our whole senses and perception. And I wonder do we speak quantum or do we speak Hollis static load and I feel like in order to speak quantum and dynamically we first need to see possibilities or relationship or life and speak as that life
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So I'm on the train to California. On the way to live in my dream. I guess I'm already living the dream because I'm already in California. A little bit nervous crossing the border, I only had one hour sleep because I couldn't sleep. And so it was pretty rough, I was feeling bad about leaving. Now that I'm over the border, and I'm actually in California on the train, I feel good. And last night, I slept probably five or six hours, so it wasn't too bad. Considering I was sleeping on a train. I've taken this trip twice before. So I already knew that I liked the train ride, very relaxing. I'm in seat number one in the very back car, very back of the train. For right now I'm in the observation car and I just got a coffee. And I'm just wondering. And I'm just wondering if I'll ever stop wandering. I was feeling like, I was feeling like, I didn't want to leave my family and friends. But now that I've left, I feel good. Not that I won't miss people, I definitely will. But I feel like I made the right choice. And I packed up my place. And it's still there for me. But I don't know if we'll be gone a couple months or more than a couple of months. And I was talking in my last video about whether I'll be continuing to talk about mental health. And on the way down, I was reading the book on dialogue by David Boehm brought my noble character to talk about stuff, maybe I'll go get it after. But he was talking about dialogue. And he was actually talking about how important it is to have dialogue. And even if there's two different factions of a group, it's important for them to have dialogue. And if you can't have dialogue with them, perhaps some dialogue about them, not about them in opposition, but in about what one feels their meanings are. And it sort of made me think about my views on this whole mental health thing versus views of the mental illness paradigm. And I don't think they're totally mutually exclusive for them. The other thing he said was, if you can't do either if you can't have a dialogue with the other group or with yourself with your group about the concerns of the other group, and just have dialogue with yourself. And I thought that was really interesting, because that's what I've been doing since pretty much a year now actually. Because I made a couple of videos before I was hospitalized last year. And I was talking very lucidly and coherently and then I was hospitalized. And I've been listening to what I was talking about in June, after I was hospitalized last year in July, and oddly enough, I don't really mention too much about what happened. I think I was just too traumatized to say much about it. Though I didn't listen to two of them. So I might have talked about it more in the other videos, but I'm finding myself still having my brain go to mental health because actually think is the same phenomenon of consciousness of these changes in consciousness is just a change in consciousness. That happens to be called mental illness. Because the other side of that change can be terrifying. Then it's turned into this lifelong, terrifying personal problem. And I've already talked about that a million times. I'm hoping to continue to have dialogue about it with myself in new ways. I made some notes on what he was saying and that's all dialogue book. And even in the few videos I've watched of my own. I was surprised I was even talking about people acting as a whole organism together, which is the whole teal organization thing, which is something that I just discovered. So I guess the concepts are already out there. People have already already discovered these things matter of perhaps just having dialogue. So I'm really hoping to be able to participate in dialogues. And not always refer to mental health stuff. But I might be, I might be thinking a bit in terms of mental health stuff in my mind, but maybe I can translate it as I speak to I don't know. The other thing I have to be careful of is that where I'm going, I don't know, if they have a lot of Wi Fi, or what I'm trying to say is I can't make gigabytes full of video and have them upload to the cloud, I might have to get an external hard drive. The one I was gonna bring, broke, has all my pictures on it, so tough to figure that one out. So I should be careful not to make my videos too long, so they don't get stuck in the cloud or things like that just be really quick, and concise. For now. I just wanted to do a video showing that on my way to living the dream, I don't really feel excited because it just feels natural, just feels right. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we get kind of excited, so called psychosis in a not so good way, because just things don't feel right. This world doesn't feel right. And I don't know how to make it feel right. But this is embodiment here. All the stuff I was talking about. And even in my first videos that I was listening to, before I took that job, that extra job. I was saying I don't know if I should work in mental health. And I was even saying I quit my other job in mental health, which I actually did end up taking back. So this is me putting mental health for a number of months, though I might still be having it on the brain. There's just a lot of garbage along the train route with garbage, old factory stuff, old industry that probably was active 10 or 20 years ago. So just within 10 or 20 years, things are just a big heaping mess of garbage. Whereas if the land was living in 10, or 20 years be flourishing. Anyway. So yeah, I'm not sure how much I get so many videos or if I want to, I think that I will, I think that I want to continue with self dialogue. Maybe some people will be willing to dialogue, on video together, because I do know that leading up to leaving, I was just really missing people. And when I was around people, I felt I felt fine. When I was just by myself, I didn't feel fine. And it's not an insecurity thing. Because I actually do really enjoy my own company. I think it's just part of how we're wired as human beings to be around people in dialogue, in friendship in community. And that's the thing about recovery. It's always Well, once you get your own place and you have your own little individual space and blah, blah, blah, these definitions of society will then you're recovered. Well. That doesn't always work long term for people. We're actually wired to be with other people. And not just in a romantic way with family and having our own family. That's one way to go about it, but it's not the only way
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Welcome, welcome. And I want to say, today is world Suicide Prevention Day. And this topic is close to me, because I did lose a family member to suicide as well as I've been very close to it myself a few times because of dissociation, and having one part of me witnessing and observing another part of me, in the act of getting close to ending my own life. So the part that was watching didn't want that to happen. And then there was another part that was an acting that was getting closer and closer to it happening. And this other part of me felt very helpless. And yeah, somebody close to me did and their life, and I've had experiences and feelings where I didn't want my life to go on. But then it passes and it gets to a place again, where I enjoy living my life. So I just want to say, keep going and keep, keep trying, you never know when you'll get to a place where you really feel like you just want to live forever. And and another thing that's been happening recently is that I feel kind of conflicted about what's going on in my life and in the world. And I talked about with myself before how I wanted to, to step away from the mental health paradigm and get into a paradigm that I feel that my experiences that have been called bipolar have been pointing to, it could be said, that is sort of like another dimension or otherworldly in a way. And I was feeling like that. It's almost as if that magic world is more real, than this reality that we're all in right now, or most of us are in there could be other people that are here with us, but not really living in experiencing the consensus and mainstream world that that we are, and they might not even be able to sense it, they might not be able to sense that anything negative is going on or affecting the people of the world right now. And I do feel that part of the experience of bipolar, at least as I've experienced it is that I have a sense of that other world where everything, not everything, but things are generally operating on a different algorithm. different values, different ethics, different morals, different laws of physics, different consciousness, where it's not based on division, but it's based on oneness. And I feel like I was there. And I feel like I know I was there. I'm aware of it. And I feel like I know that now I'm back here where I'm sensing the mainstream troubles of the world. And I said to myself quite a while ago now that it seems like we're living in a mass psychosis. And I'm not the only one to say that. I came across YouTube channel called Academy of ideas. And, and they're talking about today's times as as a mass psychosis. But I thought to myself, and I said it to myself long before I discovered that channel and that video. So it was another one of those experiences where it kind of gets confirmed afterwards. Maybe if I said it out loud, my phone heard me then it's more likely than it will that it will be in the algorithm. And that could be or in the YouTube feed the algorithm for my YouTube feed, but that could actually be a benefit of saying something out loud. A lot of people I don't know what percentage but certain amount of people would think that the listening capacity of the phone is the detriment. But it could also be that it is a helpful thing because if we're saying something out loud to ourselves or someone else then that confirmation will show up in our YouTube feed. But then of course that can be that can be calm. formation bias. And something that I'm looking into and researching for the second book that I'm writing is confirmation bias or cognitive biases in general. And there are a lot of them. And the word bias is a bit biased towards negative i think we think of a bias as a negative thing. But of course, it's not all negative. And we have these biases. And there's probably a lot of scientific studies as to why we have these biases in general, partly to conserve energy, and to help us in making decisions faster than if we had to consider all the data separately. Or consider all separately, each time we made a decision like imagine we had to do that, we'd have to go back to the beginning of time of human psychological evolution, and perceptual evolution in order to figure things out, and that just would take too long, it would take that entire time that it took to get to that place. So it's a time saver to have these cognitive biases. But I'm curious about them in the book that I'm going to be writing. Because I feel that some of our biases change our cognitive biases, they change in mania, or in different parts of the bipolar spectrum or process. And by looking at the biases that have been researched, we can get clues into what's happening for us, in that we can just read about the bias, and then extrapolate it to our experiences. So for example, there's something called the fundamental attribution error, and says, we judge others on their personality or fundamental character, but we judge ourselves on the situation. So if something happens, we will say that, for another person will say that it's a character flaw, but for us, we'll say, well, it was because of this. And because of that, in our life situation that that happened, it wasn't a character flaw. And that is just one example of a cognitive bias. And then to go with that, there's something called the self serving bias where our failures are situational. So again, we just got to kind of blame the situation, but our successes are because of our personal responsibility. And, you know, in a way, we can say that in mania, our our successes are because of mania, and the situation of mania rather than, you know, our personality as we are an ego, or it could be because of our our manic personality. So we cannot we can say it's mania as a situation or mania as like a personality trait or an alter ego in a way. And also, there's something called in group favoritism, where we favor who are in our in group, as opposed to an outgroup. And for me, when I thought about this one, I was thinking about something that I'm going to be pointing out in all three of the books that I'm writing is that in a way, we need to as people who go into manic consciousness, get into this idea of in group favoritism, we need to use it to our advantage and favor the people who are also manic who, you know, maybe we've met other people in a mental health center or something. But if it's in a mental illness paradigm framework, we just sort of keep this division in place. Whereas if we see that we're in this group of people who sometimes have certain qualities and characteristics and we can channel those together, when we do have them as a sort of in group, then this in group favoritism can be used as an advantage. Right now, or in group favoritism is more about advocating for acceptance of our illness from people on the outside of our group, and also, you know, not being stigmatized, and there's definitely a place for that. But, again, for me that allows us to forget some of the positives. And I think that if we also have an in group and we favor the positives, there's a lot more that can come about there. And we might be able to anchor in some of those positives as well, instead of anchoring in the negatives, and sort of, in a state of grief and and victimhood, and of course, there's a place for that, too, there's no problem with that. But there's a lot more that we can do with what we are not as much encouraged to look at, which are the positives. And the bandwagon effect is that it's another cognitive bias. And it's the ideas fads and beliefs grow as more people adopt them. And again, that can be seen as not so good, it can be seen as a negative thing. But I do feel that people who experience mania, we do need to create a bandwagon of more people banding together that have that and being able to capture some of the ideas and beliefs and and work them out and integrate them. Because if we're not on a bandwagon together, we're in it separately. And we're like these dots that go up into mania, and then we fall out separately. But if we're we band together, then we can create more of a ripple effect. And I don't know if this is true. It probably has been done in some domains, like in resisting stigma or trying to bring that down from for instance, I see a lot of great people on Instagram advocating in that way. And I started to post funny memes of mania. And some other people, I noticed they're doing the same. So they might have already been doing that. And I just didn't see until I started doing it. And the algorithm showed me more of what's happening. So but that's kind of how it works, too, right? Like we all have our own online presence. However smaller, bigger if we have. If we're just sort of using these as information sources, the more that we do certain things online, the more we'll experience that and that will create a collective effect as well. And there's another cognitive bias, which is groupthink. And so due to a desire for conformity and harmony in the group, we make irrational decisions often to minimize conflict. Well, I think an example of this could be the decision to focus mainly on defending mental illness and stigma and things like that. It's a type of group thing. And I think we can equally focus on a group thing based on the positives that we experience and looking into harvesting those things. So I think that instead of having groupthink in one way, which is encouraged, we can start to group think or think together in another way. And all also a false consensus, cognitive biases, we believe more people agree with us than is actually the case. And actually, don't. I do think that a lot more people agree with me then? Then I think so I do think that more people will agree with me. But I don't know if that is the case or not, because I haven't really encountered that many people. So I could be totally off base here. No, when I see things like speaking and focusing mostly on the stigma aspect of mental illness, maybe I'm off base by saying hey, like, let's put some of our energy in another direction. And I do think I fall into this curse of knowledge. cognitive bias, where once I know something, I think that everyone else does too. And yeah, I think I think that, which kind of contradicts what I said about the false consensus, but I think that most people who have experienced mania already know that, that maybe the world works in a different way that maybe there is a different way to live life. That may be the reality we think is real is not as real as the one that we experience in mania, I do feel that a lot more people know that. Because if I've experienced it that way, then maybe others have to. But then after the fact of the living experience, we're told to experience it or recontextualize, or experience in a totally different way. And it's a complete shift in how it might have felt. And so another example of a cognitive bias is the spotlight effect. We overestimate how much people are paying attention to our behavior and appearance. And we probably feel that in mania, for sure, like that one gets amplified. So there's a lot more cognitive biases, here, and then some of them shift. So there's one, the status quo bias, we tend to prefer things to stay the same. changes from the baseline are considered to be a loss. So this is a bias. I think that totally changes in mania, we don't necessarily prefer things to stay the same. mania is a challenge of the status quo at the very core of our being, and it ripples out from there. And so that would naturally change as we as we go about our day. So that's just an example of some of the things I'm going to be looking into for the second book. And there's a lot more as well. And, for example, this one, I'm going to talk more about different human potential lenses to go with mania. And some of them include comparing mania to the flow state, as well as looking at it from a purpose, base, or teleology versus ideology, which is a cause. So most of it focuses from the illness paradigm on the cause, and not the purpose of it. So it could be the purposes healing. It could be the purpose is to find new meaning in life that could be the purpose is to derail a certain path that we're on. So we take another path could be the purpose is to save us from a path that would ultimately lead to our demise. But when we just say, Oh, it's a mental illness, then we miss out on those types of possibilities. And there's definitely a lot to do with synchronicity and mania. And I find when I'm trying to research stuff, or when I'm having ideas into aspects of this, that sometimes I think I miss a big chunk, like I miss a big chunk about synchronicity, like most of it is quite synchronistic in mania. At least it was for me. And so it's almost like, how do you talk about air? Like, how do you write a chapter on air? And or water, you know, as it pertains to daily life, it's just sort of like it's the background, it's part of the fundamental nature. So it's hard to tease it out unless you actually live it and breathe it and drink it. So I was a little bit like that. For me when I wrote a couple sections in the first book about mania. It's like, it's so subjective, and it's so unique. I think a lot of the underlying fundamentals and principles are similar, but everyone's experience as in the details is unique. But then, yeah, the way it works, or the physics of it, or the the story behind it is there are common themes. And and there are common insights and perceptions about the inner workings and the secrets of the universe, which we can distill and, and obtain just by living fully and they feel new because before we were sort of living a mechanical life like a cookie cutter life, when we all of a sudden start living, the opposite of the cookie cutter life like the life that is us and designed for us. Then and created by us, then all of a sudden, we can start to ascertain all these unique bits about reality. And, and I do feel that it's possible that one day that people won't ever be derailed from that, they'll have that connection to that unique path that they came here to beyond from the beginning to the end. And so it won't be like figuring out the secrets of the universe and having them as concepts in mind, especially when we come back to Earth in a way, as we mostly know it, then we have these thoughts about how things were different and how reality was different and how kind of the laws of physics, the laws of nature, the laws of the universe, the laws of human social interaction are different. But I don't think we would have that juxtaposition if we were continually on that path. And, you know, maybe that sounds a little bit idealistic. And in my experience, and in my kind of theorizing, I do have the concept of the adjacent light body, which is the version that is sort of just like one Planck length away in terms of vibration from now, or many, maybe many. But we can kind of, that's the version of ourselves that was never moved off the original trajectory. And, and so the experiences in that trajectory are slightly different. And so I think it's possible in mania, that we take a little small quantum leap into that other being ness. And that's why all of a sudden, we have all these powers and, and strengths and talents and gifts that we never had before, while we had them, and we would have had them from the very beginning, and they're always there. And we can shift into that. And we do shifted into that and mania. And it's a very small jump, but it's a very big jump at the same time. And it's hard to come back, like there's a very big resistance to coming back. But one must come back in order to actually be coherent and, and congruent with the reality that most of us are in. And so so that's why it's hard again to talk about synchronicity and, and mania. And it's more interesting to talk about the fundamental principles are the underlying patterns, as well as how they relate to some of these patterns they've observed in the frontlines of science, as well as human potential. And so, you know, I also talk about mania and bipolar, comparing it to embodied cognition. And if you wonder what that is, it's, it's popularized by the work of Amy Cuddy and the power poses. And it goes much beyond that in mania, and you know, power posing is kind of like preschool and mania is like, you're in Mensa, and you have five PhDs, but without ever having them. So that's sort of how you know the society, we live in it. It's already proven that it dumbs us down. You know, it's, it deprives us of oxygen and deprives us of so many things. And, and because of that, we're kind of all in this suppressed and oppressed state. And if that wouldn't have happened, you know, quote, we'd be somewhere else altogether altogether. And so I also talk about comparing it to Dr. nirn Berg's work around being a hero, right, like everyday hero, and he's the one that did the Stanford prison experiments, more also extrapolating it to the self esteem prophecy, and sort of like selective attention and the salience networks in the brain as well as near death experiences. So and more. There's a lot more to do with that. And you know, it's all it's kind of just like a fun game to write about it. It's not meant to be proven. It's sort of like okay, I saw this reality with my own eyes, and now I have certain thoughts about it, and lo and behold a lot of what other people are saying who may or may not have touched this other reality, but they're deducing it from their experiments and things that they're doing completely correlate with mania. And so I feel like if we can do that, all of a sudden, we can get a huge upgrade in our software download of reality. And then when we join together, and the thing is, I'm pretty sure we don't even have to join together physically, in terms of being in the same room, or even being aware of each other's existence, per se. It's something that we can do silently. And that's the beauty of it. Because otherwise, it wouldn't work, right. Like it wouldn't work to change human consciousness through the ways that we try to change it right now. And it would probably happen pretty quick. Just like with an individual mania, like right now we're in a collective psychosis, we need a collective mania. That's really what we need. And I think that what with what's happening right now in the world, it's, it's to make us be against each other, right? And that's not going to work. And so that's why I feel like if there's this small group of us, who kind of know how these other principles work, and we, we put them to use, and we put them to work, not even by trying, like, it doesn't work by trying, right, it doesn't work by drawing, anything that we try is within the realm of what we've already tried. So we have to not try and try to not try. And I think, yeah, I really do think that what I felt, and maybe what you felt amania, there's some kind of mission behind this is, is, is true. And I think it's visible more now than ever, it's really obvious. And if you go through all the dialogues I ever had with myself. And if I did, I know I've said more than once that there'll be a point where the world gets divided, and there'll be sort of like, a sort of higher vibe and a lower vibe. And I just felt like that was true. And I actually felt like I went into the higher vibe in mania already. And it kind of was already always divided. But you know, the people and the beings in the higher realm that I went into, briefly, or Yeah, relatively briefly, they're always just kind of chillin, gracefully, humbly waiting for us to catch on. Right, they can't try, they can't try to convince us, they can't, they never tried to convince me, I could tell that they saw me and they interacted with me and everything, but they, they didn't try to convince me of anything. So I'm not trying to convince anyone, as well. But I do feel it's time to be a bit of a bridge, you know, it's time to be a bit of a bridge and, and bridging with language. And language is the focus of the third book that I am writing. And that one's gonna take a little bit longer. But there are definitely some really interesting points worth pondering. And again, it's, it's about re framing and recontextualizing what we experienced, what we're told our experiences meant, and what they could actually mean. And then if they actually mean something else, which could be something that I've said or something that, that you've thought, and if I say something that you've thought or close to it gets, it gives your brain permission just to relax into that, which you already know. And you already experienced for yourself, and then there's no effort, right? So from that, yeah, I don't know. Again, it is world Suicide Prevention Day. And I'm, it's really hard to believe that one of my loved ones went away because I thought it would be me you know, I thought I would be taken away by some kind of force that was just pulling me but it It hasn't happened yet. And I don't want it to happen. So I just really hope that if you need help reach out for the help that's available. Now, it's not the best help. But it's, it's the main help that we have. And it's better than, it's better than nothing. Sometimes it can feel like, It's worse than nothing. I've been there. But get getting through that suffering is really, if you get through it, when you get through it, I'm not gonna say it, but when you get through it, you've really processed it, you've really done the world a favor by processing that and, and feeling all of that with every fiber of your body. And it really, once you've experienced it like that, it it takes some of it away from the world, you know, again, if I'm suffering that much, or you are, it means that somebody else isn't. And, you know, that could be like a really weird belief or something. But from my experiences, I've had many experiences that have shown that to me directly to be true, that I can even tell myself, you know, I'm processing this for me, for somebody else, I don't maybe I don't even know who they are. And because I'm feeling a disproportionate amount of pain to anything that's happening in this moment now. So it has some of it's related to some other moment, right, some other moment that wasn't processed. And so it's important just to, you know, keep your body safe and, and seek help. And don't let that suffering trick you into ending the body before the suffering ends. And because it will end there is a mercy. There is a grace, and I don't think it's religious, I think it's, it's scientific. It's, it's quantum physical. And so you can do it just stay on this journey and stay on Earth, you've come back, you come back from the high states, to the low states in order to share a message and there is some kind of mission. And we all feel it, right? If we all if we all feel it, those of us who go into hypomania, does that mean it's a sign of illness? Or do does it mean it's a sign that there is some kind of mis mission, there is some kind of message, we just need to figure it out? It's a big job to figure out the mission of the universe, or one of them, right? Because there's many missions in many different movements and many different organizations. Why can people who experience mania have a mission of some kind together, that has different elements and facets? Many people form organizations, and I'm not saying we need an organization, but many people form organizations and movements around something they experienced. So why can't we we fall into a vulnerable state and often a depression or a psychosis or both. And so that vulnerable state is time to heal. But doesn't mean to forget about mission like, it just means we need to rest and heal. And, and, and ponder and, and figure out what it is. That's how I feel. And it doesn't even have to be a big rah rah thing. Like, it can be a personal thing, where we're figuring out our experiences and recontextualizing them, and talking to ourselves about them. And writing about them with ourselves and seeing what else the universe gives us to process and to look at with our gaze. You know, when we're looking with that gaze, and it's not through the ego process, we are directly looking as the universe. And that is a feedback that changes the algorithm of the universe. So it's very important that we process this stuff. You know, maybe sometimes we write down something in a bit of a frenzy, like channeling, and we never look at it again. Well, we have to look at it because the universe doesn't even know what it wrote down until we let look at it. And we don't either. And then we realize that we are the universe so many, many layers there. I hope there was something for you. Lots and lots of stuff coming out. And I will be starting up a bit of a mailing list for more so until the next time we speak, stay safe, stay positive and and explore your human potential.
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There's five days left until I leave for California. I'm feeling like it's kind of like bipolar Meets World. I'm hoping to go for quite a few months. And when I get back, I was thinking that maybe I'll continue to wander a little bit, I'm not sure. When I get back, I want to bring ecpr here. And I also want to come continue with a low stress lifestyle in order to maybe come off my medications, I don't know. And perhaps with the help of EMP, or q 96, which is pretty much the same product, just called different names. And I got an email from the truehope people today, and they make that product. And there was a study done on their product. And I didn't read the study, but I read the abstract. And it said that I had 15 months of taking MP, as well as medication for psychosis. People that took the MP as well as the medication, got to reduce their meds a bit and also experienced less symptoms. And there wasn't really a difference until the 15 month point. And then there was even more of a difference and a benefit at 24 months. And I don't know how much they were taking and what medication they were taking and blah, blah, blah. But I will only been taking this EMP one a day for a month and a half. So I have a ways to go before it has an effect. At least with the protocol they used that I don't know. But I do know somebody who sells q 96. And they emailed me yesterday, and I had emailed them a while ago. But they finally got back to me yesterday. And I could have called them today, but I didn't. So maybe I will tomorrow and have a conversation because they might know a little bit about using it to come off lithium. And they did mention that usually, a person has to come off lithium very quickly when taking higher doses of EMP. So that's not something I'll do right now, because I'm leaving in five days. But when I get back, it's definitely one of my goals. And I had a crisis recently while taking lithium. So trying to come off of it. Maybe I'll have a crisis. But I have, I have the many way while taking it. So maybe it's not really benefiting me anymore. I don't know, we'll see. But for now, today, I picked up my lithium for my trip. So lot of lithium. And I was thinking about if I'm able to come off lithium one day, it would be a fun little ritual to go up to house ion springs, which is a lithium spring has a high level of lithium and dump the little capsules, open them up and then just dump them into the spring because we don't want to waste the lithium. And it'd be kind of fun to just give it back to the earth where it belongs and absorb it in proper doses by sitting in the spring. And so today I was doing some packing pretty much just throwing stuff in a corner. And I have to decide what to take. And I'm trying to decide which pair of rollerblades to take with me. I could take with me, my my hip nose gates, they're a little bit heavier. They have this fancy thing where you can take the blade off, I won't take it off but you can actually take off the wheels and then walk around. And considering that I'm not driving. These might be handy to have to actually skate around and maybe pick up something to eat and be able to do that very conveniently. Or I could take my kind of stylish K two skates, they have some really good bearings in them, some pretty good wheels. So I have to think about that. The hypno skates are also easier to pack, because I can take the wheels off, and then squash them in my bag a lot easier. And if I was driving down, I would take my mini trampoline and jump on the trampoline on the beach. But I'm not, I really feel like I have to mentally prepare for this change because I won't be working in mental health. Maybe I'll be talking about something totally different in my videos, I won't be connected with my community, I won't be connected with my family. And I feel a little bit afraid. But I also have this feeling that once I get there and see the sun and the beach and get settled that I'll feel perfectly fine. So I have five more days. And I feel like I need around a day total for packing and moving stuff around in my place in case it gets rented out. And tomorrow, I'm going to go spend time at the clubhouse hopefully all day. See people I really feel like I miss people right now. Don't really like being alone. And I want to spend a day with my family. So that's two days. Probably a full day for just last minute stuff. And then I have two more days of time. Today I did a bunch of laundry. I got a few things from the grocery store and got a coffee from Tim Hortons so I could roll up the rim, but I didn't win. And I need one more sticker for my McDonald's coffee card. And I saw a McDonald's cup on the road when I was driving. I thought it was funny because if I would have pulled over there was probably a sticker on it. But I didn't. Because it was sort of in the middle of the road. And that would have been really weird. But I thought there it is, there's my sticker. And I have to decide if I'm going to bring things like my hairdryer and my hair straightener. Or if I'm going to go curly while I'm down there. And if I'm going to bring my vitamins or just buy them when I'm down there. I think I'm going to go for packing lighter. And I've been writing in this notebook, but I've been writing stuff and I feel weird about crossing the border with it. So I'm gonna bring a blank notebook. And hopefully I remember to go back to this notebook when I get home. Or maybe it won't matter by then I feel sort of like, with my forgetfulness, being away for an extended period of time. I'll come back and I'll just forget everything. And maybe I'll feel kind of lost and and that could be a good thing. I was thinking about how do you really cool too. When I do get a place to live, make part of it appear center of some kind. Because I have a lot of different things and stuff and I kind of want to share them. So be cool to make it a library with different resources and other things where people can come and that way. It's like starting a little community or something. Because I've also thought about living with roommates or I'm not sure what to do because the trouble is, I'm vegetarian and I don't like the smell of cooking meat all the time. And so I am a little bit picky those ways and so it might be difficult to have something like that but and then I do want to work on the peer respite or the Dream Center stuff. I just feel like I'm gonna forget everything. But I guess that's what's cool about talking about stuff on video is that I've talked about it with myself already. Maybe this next phase, or this next bit is about looking for that which I've talked about, instead of sitting here talking about it, living it out. And I really hope I can trust that. Because right now, I have this comfy little place, and I don't like noise. But technically, I could move my comfy little place to another comfy little place and continue to be comfy. I guess I worry that when I come back, I'll just create this comfy little place again, and I looked over at the clock and next week, at this time, exactly 555 on Thursday evening, next week, I'll be in California getting off the train at my store, I want to step off the train life is going to be totally different. And that place is definitely higher energy level. So I think they'll automatically be at this higher resonance. And here's the abstract that paper was talking about. adjunctive treatment of psychotic disorders with micronutrients. I typed up a document of alternatives and options talking about safety, and respite and groups and different things. And I hope to work towards creating some of that when I get back. But maybe I won't even feel like I resonate with mental health anymore, I'm not sure. And when I go to California, I hope I don't have so much mental health on the brain, I hope that I can release that and just, just be and I wonder if I'll get a chance to have conversations with myself or fob having enough conversations with others. And also, I don't know if we'll have to make audio instead of video because I don't know what the Wi Fi is like down there. I have pretty fast Wi Fi for uploading these and transferring them and things like that. So we'll see what it is that I can do when I'm down there might have to make shorter videos, and longer audios, or just shorter videos. I'm not sure I was making more notes after my last video. So maybe I'll talk a little bit about them. I was talking about how when the brain switches to perception mode instead of remembering mode, thought mode, it's running on light. Light is the fuel and light is the nutrition as opposed to sound, old sounds. Which is all brain cells vibrating and resonating together. On the brain cells run on light, new light. Then the brain cells grow and then they produce new sound and the new sound is in order to share that light with others or make it so others might be able to see that too or see that way too. Or see not really see that per se but just see for themselves because once the seeing for oneself process begins and never ends. And then a person doesn't need self help books and all that because one can see. And the ego is a soundscape of brain degeneration mainly Because it's stuck in old sound, so it's not growing with the new light that's coming in to be perceived. I feel like when we are in touch with perception, we speak as the brain and as perception, instead of as ego thought, and all the games of all those sounds that we've been programmed with. And I'm wondering what sounds can be created, so that other people can create their own sounds, new sounds, the sound of seeing. And in that way, seeing and listening are the same thing. They're both frequency and vibration. So we see light, and it's faster. So it's like this flash of insight. And then it takes a little bit of time for the words to form kind of like when we see lightning. And then we have to wait a little bit for the thunder and the thunder is just not one loud boom, it's usually some crackles. And it's sort of unfolding. It's almost like a sentence. It's not just one letter. So it's the mathematics of light. byte produces sound when we see its visual mimetics. And I was thinking about how if we produce healthy sound based on perception, instead of having these old stale sounds in our head. And if we produce healthy light, as in the light coming out of our eye, which is clear, which is not judging, but open and receiving, which it needs to be in order to actually produce these sounds just like lightning, the light hits our eyes, and then the words form like thunder, and then we can roll them out. And we don't have access to this world of light this insight, if we have these old, stale sounds in our mind, because the light coming in wants to produce new sound. But if it's clogged up with old sound, there's no space for this new sound to arise. we're so busy, reading recombining old abstractions that we don't have space for the new sound. And it's sort of an epi perception, it's perceiving. Whereas perceiving through the ego is sort of like endo perception, because we're perceiving just what's percolating inside. And I've often wondered, if there were less human beings on the planet, and the earth started restoring itself? How would the animals come back? The ones that are extinct, and it came to me that we're actually consciousness around which matter organizes itself. So the consciousness of those beings of those creatures is still around. But there's no environment for them to live, it was destroyed. So then they can't actually come back. But if the environment was such that they could, they would likely re materialize and be there. I don't know if that's true. But it gave me some hope that that could be possible, because I imagined that one day that Earth will regenerate. And how will those animals come back because the animals are needed just as much as the environment. And consciousness organizes matter, and it gestures matter, and it moves matter. And I was pondering about if consciousness, each organism has a certain amount of consciousness, whether it's a fly or human. And a human consciousness comes with a certain amount of matter. So we all share the same amount of matter each, but it could be additive. And so when one person passes on, that consciousness goes on to the next so that matters never destroyed, as in physics, but now that there's way too many humans on the planet. The consciousness has weakened in a way and it's not taking hold in the brains the same way. Because of that, And then if a person is born, say, artistic, it's almost like they come with less matter because they're going to be moving less in the world. They, they live in this very narrow sphere of physical reality, because of their limited ability, supposedly, apparently to us to function. So in a way, they almost have less matter. This is not scientific at all. And the thing too, is that as less consciousness is in the other elements, or other creatures of the guys fear, and more of it goes to humans. it narrows that too, because of the fact that the diversity is lessening, so there's not the proper balance. So human consciousness is not taking hold, because it's actually there's just way too many of us. And so they experience less of this world of matter because of their inability to communicate, and they can't communicate because they don't have the same level of consciousness embodied. And consciousness is communication. And we're not in communication with Gaia, we're just mainly in communication with our own thought games. And in terms of the non judgement, can we look with equal light at equal light, we all have the same light in our eyes. And I was also thinking about how the brain is a mirror. And so what do we want to see in that mirror? And so if we're being altruistic, we're activating our mirror neurons, and we're seeing that in the mirror of our brain. And that could be why that's one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something for other people.
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I've had some indications from the universe lately that perhaps more people like me want to have these types of reframing perspectives, conversations. I heard Brent seal share a poem and talk about what if people with mental illnesses have special powers, etc. And then I saw a gentleman in distress, who's also labeled. And he was talking about how he has a lot of empathy. And he feels things deeply. And that's one of the reasons why he was struggling. And he doesn't like how other people were being treated. So again, more empathy. And another individual I spoke with, shared that they no longer want to be on medication and are tapering off but also have to take steps in order to have a very stress free and gentle lifestyle for an extended period of time in order to make sure that successful. And they talked about reading about the side effects and experiencing side effects. And I also had a conversation where a person brought up the question, and my more than my label. And that just broke my heart, because we're so often forced to identify so strongly with our label that we lose touch with the other elements of ourselves. And there's infinite elements other than that label. And I feel that the label often misinterprets things. It'll call things symptoms of illness, when really, it could be a sign of transformation or a sign that a person has extreme empathy. And some of us acquire this high sensitivity. And then we're seeing and perceiving and feeling things that we've never felt before. And we don't understand that language. And I feel like because we don't understand what we're perceiving what we're seeing and what we're feeling. Which when it's empathy is actually a lot to do with the other, feeling what the other is feeling or sensing what they're feeling, or being able to read them so clearly that we're feeling what they're feeling. But when we don't know that this is what is happening, I feel like we get thoughts in our head that don't make sense or attack ourselves, and lead to things like depression, because when we're seeing something, and we're so used to identifying with our thoughts and our ego thought process, and that can be so called normal and healthy. Though I question that. If we start sensing more and more of the other, yet, we only know how to think in terms of ourselves. When we're sensing the pain, or the feelings, or more information of the other or the situation. extrapolating if we still are strongly identified with our ego thinking process, that ego thinking process can actually become more irrational or more in congruent because we're seeing things and feeling things of the other. But we only have the language of me. So when we see and experience and feel things of the other, but we only have the language of me. The language of me gets the volume turned up and it becomes more painful. So What I'm trying to say is if somebody is in pain and struggling and an empath can sense that, but they don't even know they're sensing that, or even if they do know they're sensing it, they feel powerless to be able to help that person or support that person, it's going to be turned into potentially thoughts about oneself attacking oneself. So if I see somebody in pain, I might think it's my fault. They're in pain, when really, I'm just feeling that they're in pain. And I feel so compassionate, and empathetic, that I don't know what to do about that. And the only thing I can do is turn that into a thought about myself to attack myself to sort of be congruent with the pain that I'm sensing. And then it's hard to not think that something is wrong with me that it's thinking these thoughts. And I'm not saying this is what happens for me, per se. But I've just been seeing this a little bit because in my effort to create different perspectives for myself and self dialog and different ways to think about it and see it and ponder it. I see that more when I see other people like me who have been labeled and pathologize. So I don't actually see them as having anything wrong with them at all. But the thing is, since we don't know how to act, based on these high sensitivities, we have to turn it against ourself, in order to put a barrier up against the action that we want to do maybe, or is the only way to really, it's the only action we know how to take is to turn it against ourselves, because we usually turn a lot of things against ourselves. And a lot of times people are judging other people. But if they've, what if someone's got in touch with their empathy, and they're not judging, but they're feeling. Now, instead of having judgments, we're having judgments against ourselves, because we're not actively judging, we're feeling. But since we have this inner judge going on all the time, those feelings of others, for others with others, again, get turned against ourselves. Because again, the ego is our own voice attacking ourselves. So if we have so called regular ego consciousness, and we're walking around, kind of, in our own ego world, and pretty much blind to the feelings of others, mostly, especially because we're judging them all the time, we're not really reading others, we're judging others. we're projecting onto them instead of really receiving them. Now when we start to receive a person, and not judge, what, how, what do we even do with that information. And if we don't have a language for communicating that, we don't even have the language for understanding that we are one consciousness and we're one humanity. What I'm saying is when we sense that extra information, that extra energy, that feeling with our hearts, it again gets turned against us in our own voice. It's our own voice turned against ourselves. And then that poor person who's an empath, and I only say poor, because unfortunately, we don't understand it fully. We don't create the space through which people have that consciousness can also thrive. These people have to, I feel their arms start turning their voice against themselves even more in order to protect them from what it is they're seeing, because they're feeling so much. So it's easier just to attack oneself with one's own thoughts, then continue to feel that so strongly, even though a person still would continue to feel that very strongly. And if a person is sensing someone else's pain, and there's nothing they feel they can do, or maybe they don't even know that's what they're sensing, then they start to blame themselves for that other person's pain, mainly because they don't know what they can do to help them and they partially blame themselves because they see that we're all one. So if someone else is in pain, then it's partly Everyone else's fault. So we're responsible for each other. And what I'm saying is that also a person, if they start to have these perceptions of sensitivity, and then they're thinking things that are, are creating a disturbance in themselves and then creating it. So they, the person, the empath is perceived as having some kind of mental health difficulty, well, then that person starts to isolate, which will sort of protect the person from their perceptions, their sensitivities. And so I was thinking about how complicated and interesting that is. But also, in terms of well, what to do with these perspectives, if anything, and I think part of it would be, I'm wondering, and I don't really know, what can we do with these empathetic and sensitive perceptions. And that's another thing people who've been labeled often are empaths, very sensitive. And then they're so sensitive. And we only have this language of me ego that as we walk around perceiving things, we can only think about it in relation to the ego. And then that gets confusing and, and, and painful. And then, you know, there can be depression and anxiety and all these things, which are other thoughts. But how can we change and create a language of this high sensitivity to realize that we are very sensitive, and we're feeling these things? In order to not maybe take it on ourselves and think it's our own problem? When really we're sensing some of the problems in the situations that we're in, in daily life? And how is it that we can act differently? to, to change that in terms of if I'm feeling someone's pain? Can I hold a space of compassion for that person? Instead of taking it on myself? Can I look with compassion and non judgment and unconditional love, and that look is part of the healing? How we look at people, which is one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot. And that might be one of the only things we can do is look at it differently, and look at ourselves differently and see that when we're feeling things, it's not necessarily a symptom of mental illness. But it's almost a mystery. It's almost a puzzle, what is it that I'm really feeling, it probably has nothing to do with me and my own suppose in personal problems, because part of the empath process is that we're not so identified with our own pain, but that opens us up to being sensitive to the others pain, which is necessary for some of us to be able to do this in order to create a different world. But instead of being in touch with that sensitivity, and utilizing the gift of that, to help inform the change in the world, we take the sensitivity to be a mental illness and our own problem, and then hideaway, and we're not using our gifts to help the world. And that's actually one of the things we want to do as empaths is be altruistic because altruism implies that we're all one. And when we're empaths, we see that we're one consciousness, because we can feel other things besides just our own self. And we can feel it by seeing it. All we have to do is just look. So again, it's about clear perception and clear vision. But when we see something, and it's kind of painful, we can turn that into painful thoughts against ourselves, and that can eventually end up really crushing us. And someone told me that they were told they'll never get better, and they're going to be like this forever, and they'll always have this problem. And I was thinking to myself, why would any doctor say that that's the rudest thing. 20 years from now, or 10 years from now, that is not going to be the case and we need to start are talking in terms of how we would ideally envision it to be. And part of what I see is people seeing that they've actually become connected with some of their gifts, which is a different way of perceiving and acting and feeling. And it's actually being more in touch with other dimensions of our inner being of humanity. And we're medicated out of this high sensitivity instead of being facilitated to, to utilize it. And that could be a ways away before it's actually really recognized and utilize, but I feel like, we can at least start talking to each other about these other ways. We want to think about ourselves and see ourselves other than the label. When this person told me that, they were wondering if they were anything more than their labels. It just really broke my heart. And it really hit me in that all the stuff that I've been talking about with myself or myself, to strengthen in my own neurology and being that that we are more than our label, or label can be a little slice of the pie that is useful in getting certain supports, as those are the only supports available through the mainstream system and, but not actually really buying into that story, because it's just a story. And unfortunately, it's told to us by authority figures, doctors and professionals who have all this education. And so we can tend to believe them. It's like, a really bad no CBOE effect. And, and it's fine if people want to really believe that about themselves, if that's the most helpful and useful, but from my experience, just interacting with my peers and talking with different people. I just feel like I see so much. That shows me that what I've been talking about with myself, has a lot of validity, especially. Especially, especially regarding and I don't want to say especially because that almost makes it sound like what I'm going to say next is the thing, and there's no one thing. There's so much. But I see these individuals with labels as very empathetic, very sensitive beings. And I know some people that have labels and talk to them. But I just find it interesting that lately, conversation conversations are happening that are some of the elements of things I've been talking about with myself, but I'm not starting them. And so when that happens, it makes me really feel like people who've experienced this do want to think about themselves differently and do want to talk about themselves differently. And if we think and talk about ourselves differently with each other at least, and still have the label stuff, where necessary. They will potentially be able to unfold something different for ourselves. And so that's the thing with is empathy and this altruism. I feel like we need to be altruistic together and I've talked about this before. How Being altruistic, right away sort of acknowledges the space that a person entered into. So to make that part of the healing process is powerful, because a lot of people are trying to get in touch with that when they go through this transconscious experience. And I feel that people that feel these extreme anxieties and depressions and things, it's possible, they're just feeling so much more than themselves. And so, when that happens, we want to do something about the anxiety, but what we really want to do is actually do something to help the world. And I'm not saying that in every case, that is how it is. But I'm just feeling like a lot of this so called mental illness is just getting in touch the fact that we're all one consciousness. And when we're when we're in touch with that. We're not perceiving based on separation, whether we are aware of it or not, we're perceiving so much more than what our ego band of consciousness would allow us to perceive. And when we do, we get overwhelmed. And then it's turned into our own problem to deal with, like our own ego problem, when the problem is the ego and the fact that we want to cooperate. We're designed to be altruistic, we're designed to have meaning and purpose in life. And if everybody on the planet had a completely different meaning, and a completely different purpose, we wouldn't be able to get along at all. What I'm trying to say is that part of the meaning and the purpose is just to be helpful and participate and cooperate and be involved together. And that's why I don't like the whole idea of personal growth, because I feel like if we grow in cooperation, and in world centricity and altruism, will naturally grow personally, in a way, but we actually need to learn how to grow together, and how to connect together, not all of us doing our own little personal things. And so with transconsciousness, I talked about having access to that world centric consciousness, as well as one's ego consciousness, while the world centric consciousness is the part we all share, so when we have access to that, we all share that. So if we're in touch with that, as people that are labeled, if we communicate at that level, because we can communicate with each other, what's your diagnosis, what's yours, what's your symptoms, what's mine, or we can talk at the empathetic transconscious altruistic level that we've already seen, and are in touch with. And when we're talking from that perspective, we're speaking the same language, which is a heart centered language of clear perception, recognizing patterns and seeing the pain of other people. So labeled people I feel, feel deeply but don't know how to act based on that, because we're used to acting based on the sound of our ego voice moving us around, usually in congruent with what's going on. But when we get in touch with that empathy, and that empathetic perception. Society is not designed to act based on that soundscape. And it creates a different soundscape. And I feel like when we're sort of in between trying to decouple from the soundscapes of our ego and other soundscapes are coming in, they can be so called delusions and hallucinations. But that's only temporary to really show that we're decoupling from the other mode of existing I won't even say seeing because I think we don't really see in that state. And when we start to see we start to feel more because we can see what is happening. We can see someone's posture, we can see the look on somebody's face. We can read it. But if we don't know what we're reading, the soundscape inside can be even more confusing and incongruent. And part of the trouble is to we're not voicing that. So if we never give voice to that, it may end up just getting more and more muddled over time. And so I could see somebody and see their pain and see the pattern of have their whole way of gesturing and being and feel that pain and not know, that's what I'm sensing, and then maybe think thoughts about myself, and then feel anxious or, or something. Or I could see that and look with compassion and understanding and unconditional love and know that I'm feeling that person's pain, and just holding that. And that might create a different soundscape or might just be silent. Or I could see that. And if I was to a different point, maybe that would create the soundscape of me going up and talking to that person, or saying hi, or some other kind of gesture. So what I'm trying to say is, if I'm unaware that I'm perceiving empathetically, I probably have some odd soundscapes in my head. Because I'm not because I'm seeing with that language, but I not translate. But I'm not translating that into some kind of gesture, or, or word. Or I could see that and seeing that translates into instant action. And if we see that we don't act, or hold with compassion, or whatever it is that we can do in that moment. The inaction of not doing when we're feeling that gets turned into something that we have to process at a later time. Or perhaps if a person is very empathetic, but they don't really understand that or realize that they're walking by everything, feeling at all, not doing anything, and then feeling bad. And that's translated into bad thoughts against themselves, because they're not doing anything about what they're seeing and feeling. And I'm not saying people have to do something. But that's part of what I talked about with mania, you get to this place where you have to act. You can't delay, there is only now. And so it can be kind of dangerous, because you will act based on what you perceive is needed in the moment, not thinking about tomorrow, and then not even noticing what's happening right in front of you. So I almost feel like part of the conversation is just talking to other empaths to other highly sensitive people to other altruists, who see that we're one consciousness, which doesn't mean Oh, I have to fix the world. It just means that what I see what I feel what I perceive, isn't just to do with little me. So part of it would be a conversation around how do we dissipate some of this energy of perception into action. And part of it too, is if somebody is labeled with a mental illness and told that they're never going to get better, and they have this personal problem. When in self dialogue or in conversation, one might come to an understanding of themselves as an empath, as a healer as a highly sensitive person. If a person thinks I have this mental illness, they're just going to continue to walk by and, and not interact because they see themselves as some kind of deficient person who shouldn't interact with people that much and keep one's head down. Whereas if one sees Actually, I'm more of an empath, I'm a healer, I'm a sensitive person, I feel things deeply. Then one might actually start to interact in a way that's different. might actually be good to share the gifts of that empathy. Because people that are in pain actually might need some of the gifts of that empathy which could just be to listen or to say hi or to smile and ignore another human being. And if a person just thinks that I'm having mental illness and self stigmatizes, they're not going to reach out in those ways, when part of this transformation process could be actually giving us the sense and the feeling inside, so we can begin to reach out in different ways. And that's why I've also said that, it could be that we're here to help them. And that's why I feel like the next part for me, after all this self dialog is to be more in connection with embodied altruism, I've said embodied mania, but it's embodied empathy. And even for myself, being a part of the mental health system and different aspects of the system that I don't agree with so much, and other aspects that I absolutely love and want to be a part of forever. I realized today that I haven't really shared my gifts. I haven't really talked about myself in the way that I would want to really have sort of kept a lot of it quiet. But I feel like I'm getting to a place where I feel more ready to actually say, No, I have some gifts. And I'm sure a lot of other people do too. And they're just not saying anything. And maybe the gifts are medicated away. But even if they are people might have a sense of Yeah, I did feel that way at one point or another. And I can't say what other people's experiences are. But I feel like since that transconscious dimension is, is shared that if we've had a taste of it, that we can talk about it in a similar way. And so I'm having hints that this conversation wants to happen. And not only that, I feel it needs to happen, because to me, it's sort of unacceptable, that my friends and peers are thinking about themselves and in terms of their labels and stigmatizing themselves in that way. Not just because that is painful, but because it's robbing that person of seeing their gifts and seeing their capacities. And that if a person was able to connect more with their gifts and capacities, the part that feels like a mental illness might start to wither away. And I don't think it's gonna wither away by just medicating, medicating, medicating, or just trying to survive or by buying in so much to that story is going to wither away by starting to connect with those dimensions that we connected with in those other states of consciousness by being able to do it in a conscious way, and unfold it in a conscious way. And in an intentional way, for the best of all. The thing is that the professionals don't have time to listen to us in this way and actually learn a lot about our diversity and complexity. They just listened for certain symptoms, and then slap labels on us and then tell us that that's our label, which gets us to forget and stop thinking about all those other aspects. Maybe there's 10 bad symptoms, but maybe there's 1000 good elements. And so by focusing on those bad symptoms, we're suppressing the good elements. Whereas if we focus on the good elements, maybe those bad symptoms go away, because those bad symptoms could just be bits of the transition to getting in touch with that other dimension those other dimensions. And the problem is that the system wants us to go back to the one dimensional ego perception That's not the way that the evolution of consciousness is going. So pills can't suppress the evolution of consciousness forever. And we'll stop stigmatizing ourselves when we connect with our gifts and see that we have value and something to contribute. And by having those conversations with each other, at least, because we can give each other that time and we can be a witness to each other. We can create that context through which to see ourselves differently. And when that happens, we want self stigmatize. And we'll be too busy doing that to even care that much about the fact that we were labeled. We can outgrow that without having to fight it. If we outgrow it. There's no need to fight. But if we waste our energy fighting, then we won't be able to grow. When we're in fight or flight, we can't do growth and repair. So I feel like if through our conversations, we can switch to growth and repair. We won't need to fight or flight
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Here I am again. And this will be part of a longer episode, which is up to date real time of what is happening now in 2021. As season three, and season two, if it's not clear is conversations that I had with myself years ago, starting in 2016. And going until 2019. So I think it went around three and a half years. And then things changed. And I haven't really been talking to myself. And at times, I've wanted to get back into it, but it hasn't really happened. And so this is another attempt to get back into it. Partly because it seems like the new information, funnel or channel or download has slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sure why that is. And I don't think it's really a problem. But I do find myself as I was speaking about the other day, craving altered states. And that has taken the form of drinking a bit of beer or drinking a bit of vodka, not getting really, really drunk or anything because I'm not interested in being hung over. But enough to kind of alter consciousness. And at the same time. Alcohol is a depressant. So I don't really think that's the exact effect that I'm wanting. But then other things are psychoactive and could lead to psychosis or something. And I do think I was sharing that. years ago, when I was talking to myself one time I decided to have a drink, and it made me really go kind of nuts. So then I just didn't drink. And I haven't been drinking. And I'm not recommending it or anything. But I'm wondering if it's because I've been stable for quite a long time. Now it's been since mid 2019. So that's about two years, just over two years. I remember I was hospitalized in 2019. And right after that, I made a couple dialogues with myself, but then I didn't continue. And then I stopped. And it took a few months after that it was April took a few months, before I started being able to do things and sort of be in the linear world, I was depressed for a few months, because I had gone into a big time mania, if you want to call it that for quite a while. And so I knew I was going to pay the price. And I was I was kind of okay with that. But at the same time, it was hard for me to go and get help. And I even wanted help I wanted help from the system at that point. But it was hard to to get there. Because I had you know, some thoughts of not wanting to go there and some thoughts of being able to maybe get through it myself. But at the same time, I knew it wasn't going to be possible. I just I gone too far. And I knew I had yet it was still hard to get help. And I finally was able to. And since then, I I spent that summer pretty depressed and not being able to function. And then when I came out of it, I was able to do things and go about life. I was doing some food delivery driving, which I quite enjoyed because I like to drive, it's fun. And then I went back to California for a short trip. And then I came back and then I started working in the mental health system again, in a different capacity. And before that, I went to Hawaii for a month. And then that's when you know the whole world changed. Soon as I got back. That's when everything started to change. And since things were shut down, I decided and I had already decided to start working on a book. So that was about About a year and a half ago now, and I'm at the point now where I'm getting close to being finished. And that being said, it's not perfect. And I don't think it's going to be perfect. I had somebody beta read the book, and they said that it stands out because they had read quite a few psychology type books, I don't, it's not really a psychology book. But they said, my book stands out. They also said that it's pretty intense, the tone is intense. I don't know if that's the tone in my self dialogues with myself, or what, but I was thinking about that comment about the intense tone, because the reader recommended that I have an editor kind of look at the tone when they look at it. And at the same time, I'm wondering, I don't know, if somebody could get the intense tone out of there, I don't know if it needs to get out of there. Because this information is pretty intense. Because a lot of it's sort of new or weird, or mind boggling, or unbelievable or impossible. And there's a lot of it. And not only that I've sort of filtered down from like this much information, like huge amount of information down to what's into this first book that I'm writing. And the writing process has been quite different than I can imagine. Or I've even read that people recommend how you write a book, like you write an outline, and then you sort of write your points. And then you have your sort of intro and outro line relating to the next chapter. It hasn't been like that at all. Because I wrote out pages upon pages of big stack of paper, like three or four inches thick. And then from that, I went through everything that I wrote, and I typed it into a document. And I think at first I put it into a loose categories. And then I had to basically each time each iteration of editing, transfer it from one document to the next and sort of leave the ones behind that I didn't want to go with and I probably had to go through like 10 iterations of that, then I had to not only that, once they had gone into the headings, I had to stick them in order, some kind of order. And then I had to like, kind of link them together and make points that were sort of linear, one after another somewhat, I guess I didn't have to write it like that. But it seemed to work out. But I think the editing process of the book in a way has mirrored somewhat what it's like to have access to extra information, because of bipolar consciousness, or transconsciousness, which is, you know, there's these bits that don't necessarily fit together are linked together. And there's a certain amount of signal, which, which is way less than the amount of noise of the overall information. And so trimming it down from finding the signal from the noise, and then, you know, there's a lot in the signal that's meaningful. And then it's not necessarily significant other people. So I've tried to include that which is significant to others in their journey. And maybe I'm completely wrong, I don't even know. And I might have been talking about this last time, so I won't go into too much. But it seems like the next book that I'm writing is going to go together in much the same way because it's just more categories that aren't fitting in the first book. And then I have to go through and put all the points there. They're sort of in a, an order of some kind and expand upon them and make them full sentences and things like that. So it's quite arduous. I'm feeling I'm starting the second one because what I've discovered is that it's quite helpful to ask for help from people on Fiverr. And so far, I've really liked what people have done. And I had somebody create a podcast intro like a speaking bit, as well as music and the person put the music with the different person put the music with the spoken part. I had someone beta read my book, I had someone find some references. Because I found with writing the book, I just got to this point where I just didn't even want to look at it anymore. And so I figured why not just see if somebody does bibliographies. So I had someone do a test section, and it was pretty good. So then I had them do some research on some of them sections that I hadn't done yet. And then lastly, now they're doing the complete bibliography, which should be done in the next 10 days. And I think it's about I think it's about 140, citations, or references. And I don't know, I think it's helpful to have some references, I think it should be good. And then at the same time, someone else is helping me create a book title, I have some ideas, but this person will create a few other options just to see. And once that's done, I will have someone create a cover based on the title. I had someone create a book description that I need to tweak a little bit, but I thought it was really good. I couldn't write something like that Not even close. And I will once the references are done, I'll have somebody go through and edit it. And after that, I'll get someone to do the book design. And I think a lot of people can get way with not doing these extra bits. But I think it's been a really fun lesson in outsourcing. And it'd be really cool one day to have a crew of people, whether on Fiverr, or another platform that are able to symbolize that they are part of the bipolar crew. And that way we can utilize each other with these overlapping skills. And the book itself, I started to talk about it last time I was talking but I ran out of time. And the working title that I have right now, before getting that person's advice is it's too long, but it's I don't even know if this was the one but finding and creating meaning in bipolar mania, breaking the taboo of potential and mania through philosophizing. re-uncovery re gaming and harvesting special messages to crowd out pathological ideas. Now, it'll be less than that for sure. But that's generally the idea is introducing this. rearranging of the word Ria, recovery, however you want to call it and calling it re uncovering because a lot of what we come upon our knowledge that we gather in the state of mania is lost, because for one, we're told that it's meaningless, we're told that was from an illness. And also, after it's over, it takes some time to realize it's like a hangover, really, the brain had been working so hard for so long. And it takes a bit of time to, to let it settle and get back to processing. Mainstream reality. It's really a different world to process. So So I talked about kind of gamifying bipolar or gamifying mania, as like an overarching thing. I sort of thought about that and put it in the intro after though it's not really peppered through the book, like maybe it should be. But at the same time, I don't think I have to keep repeating Oh, this is part of gamification. This is part of gamification. It's just sort of all re gamifying it, which means creating a different game like right now we get gamified into being mental patients. And I think that we, if we, if we look at it differently, we can potentially gamify it into something else. And in a way, mania is Is the universe's attempt to gamify you and your life. I'm pretty sure I said that before too, but it's worth repeating. And I talked about the possibility of using the word transconsciousness. For bipolar because our consciousness is trans. It's like we have this mainstream consciousness. And then sometimes we go into this manic consciousness. And then you know, some people might say, well, we also have this depressed consciousness or a state of psychosis, which is a different consciousness as well. So you know, it could be an omni consciousness, it doesn't have to be transconscious. But that seems to roll off the tongue quite easily. And so part of that is also re-uncovery is part of the game, right? So the game is to re uncover mania in retrospect, but it's also to bring that into daily life, and then sort of close the gap between daily life when we bring a little bit of mania in there and mania, the state. So when we stay away, and we stay in fear, the the gap stays so big, but I think we can kind of close the gap. And that's yet to be seen, even for myself, because like I said, I'm not anti psychiatry, I do take medications, though, it seems like my consciousness is sort of like, Okay, it's time for another journey of some sort. But yeah, and then I talked about how to use the book, because, you know, we're going to go on a journey of making meaning out of, out of our experiences, and out of the information that came to us. And now I don't know about you, but for me, a lot of it felt really meaningful. And it's not really any particular bit of information. It's more so the state of being able to sense and alchemize and integrate and create meaning on the go. It's like a spontaneity of meaning instead of how we usually experience life as sort of mundane and repetitive and, and that's what our, our thinking mind says that life's about. But the the manic mind is different. And so, you know, part of it too, is to give ourselves permission to, to think differently about it, because we've been told like the way to approach it and perceive it and think about it. And, you know, like, it's an illness. And I'm not saying it's not an illness, I just feel that identifying so strongly with that sort of inflates it into something, a bigger part of our life than it needs to be. If we choose that we'd like it to our life to be other than that. And so yeah, giving ourselves permission, and breaking the taboo. It's taboo to be like, yeah, I'm this magical creature, like, I know what Christ Consciousness is like, like, I had a taste of it. It was amazing. When I had that taste, I thought I was Jesus. Like, obviously, I'm not Jesus. But maybe that's how Jesus felt, you know, and just being okay with saying that, and owning that. But also then letting it go and letting the next thing come in to play. Because if we start to hold too strongly, then it can create stories and we can believe the stories and belief is, is a real, it's a real hurdle. made really is and we'll talk more about that later. But I'm hoping this book has a lot of surprises, a lot of resonance where, where you might feel like, wow, I experienced that same thing, or that same feeling or a very similar event, but just different sort of details. And I feel like this really lends weight to the ethics we're perceiving in consciousness in that state as well as how the world works, how communication works, that not everything is physical and Newtonian and we're experiencing that and seeing manifestation play out. By those rules and laws, which are different, slightly different, at least from what it is that we think. And and for some reason, these traits are, are seen as basically threatening right to the status quo. And that is partly why, you know, we are asked upon intake like, Oh, are you seeing special messages? Like, are you seeing that, you know, you might be special and and the world might be able to specifically bring the things that you want into your life through processes that are faster than physical laws that we know. And if somebody is kind of like, yes, or you know, then they don't want us to be able to do that, you know, who was they? I don't know, that question is bigger now than ever. Not sure what that is, but it doesn't really matter, right? Doesn't matter, we don't have to know that. And that's the thing, it's more about going back towards what it is that we discovered. And then it sort of got lost, because you know, when somebody returns from space travel, I'm sure the first thing they they don't just like, go back to their regular routine and go for a run and do everything they used to do. No, they have to, their body has to recover for a while. So the same way, like we recover our body and some things after it happens. And then when we're feeling better, we can go back and look at some of those things that happen if we can remember. And even if we can't, if we can remember some things, then we can have those sort of spark awareness of some of the other things. And yeah, it's just kind of moving away from you know, it's all a meaningless mental illness, the only meaning is this chemical imbalance in your brain. And then from that it negates everything that happened for whatever period of time whether it was a day in our, in my case, that the first time two months. That's, it was nice to know that to make it sort of stopped. But you know, the medications usually don't even make it stop forever, can't can't stop that impulse of the universe forever. So, you know, I shared a little bit of my story of, you know, when I first found out about the word bipolar in my life, and then ended up with a diagnosis myself, and how, you know, in mania, we have more access to meaning. And we don't have all the words to describe it, we don't have the words to describe it in the state, when we're trying to communicate to ourself or others, we don't have all the words to communicate it after the fact. Or when we're being apprehended. Like we just don't have the language. So not only that, if we even did have the language, that language doesn't fully represent. That which we're trying to point to. So in a way, mania is a solution to the state of meaningless because meaninglessness because it feels so meaningful, it feels subjectively meaningful. And in a way that ego thought patterns are almost like saying, This is the objective way of what the world means. And it's sort of going around in circles trying to justify that that is what the world means in life means and it doesn't really mean that. That's sort of what we're told it means. And we've never been taught to make our own meaning, and figure out what something means for ourselves and create it for ourselves. And that being okay. It's more about like, what's the answer? And so, you know, in a way we haven't, we haven't realized our potential. And so when we see that, okay, yeah, maybe it was meaningful and it was subjectively meaningful to me and objectively in how life unfolded at that time. Yeah, not everything was great. Probably pissed some people off for sure because I wasn't being myself as they Know It. So it's not perfect. And I don't know if it ever will be. It's not meant to be a state of perfection. It's more of an improvisation. And that's how we can bring some new energy and information into the world. So now all that we said, okay, it's meaningful. Now we have permission, if we want to break that taboo and talk about the meaning for ourselves. And I talk about, just talk about it with yourself. Like, I talked about it with myself for those three years. And when I did talk about it with myself, I had most of the things that I wanted to happen in my life come true. And I'm pretty sure that everything that I was hoping for, has come true from what I said up to this point now. So what I was talking about, and maybe not feeling so great about is healed. It's healed. And also, now there's some new stuff for sure. But that's why I want to get back to talking with myself. Because I feel that that is one of the main ways that things can manifest because that's the way the universe is going to hear me. It doesn't really hear me the same way. I don't think it hears me like, it's interesting, because I think maybe the universe doesn't really hear us when we're thinking as much it can, but it's it's more quiet. It's more powerful when we say it out loud, for sure. And you know, sometimes we we think that other people can hear our thoughts. And you know, the universe can too, but I don't think it's as powerful. So, you know, I talked about in the book as well, I just go on about like, how many is a good word, except in the case of like, say bipolar mania, or, you know, others certain manias, but for the most part, it's indicating like energy and motivation and different things. So I think we can reclaim the word mania in bipolar mania as positive, if we want to create it that way for it to be that way for ourselves. And the more of us who choose to do that for ourselves, the more that creates that within consciousness. So human consciousness, I feel like the more of us that do this process, the more of us who can build sort of a manic consciousness in a way and a bridge to mania from the regular world. Because, you know, if, if there were no negatives in it in, in certain ways, like the Fallout, anyone would want to be in that state, that's what people are chasing when they're taking drugs, or, you know, so many things, they're chasing that state, and then we get it in mania. And then we're sort of chased out of it, or forced to swallow pills chased with a glass of water. So and that's to stay out of it, right. And then everyone else is trying to get into it. So there's people that go into it, that fall out of it, and there's fall out. And it's like, you know, natural or unprovoked as far as like, taking something exotic honestly, or from the outside. And, you know, in a way, where we get punished for it while everyone else goes home and sort of tries to get into that state, or tries to get into an altered state of consciousness of some sort. So yeah, just going back into it retrospectively, after we've given ourselves permission to think that it's meaningful, and after giving ourselves permission to you know, glorify it in a way because now we're saying, okay, you know, there's some good there, and I want to go back and look at it, and I want to go back and sort of glorify the good parts, because a lot of it was a lot of information. A lot of it was noise, but there was some golden nuggets in there. And probably a lot more than we knew. And even if there weren't that many, maybe now knowing that there could be golden nuggets, we can have a different perspective and and maybe a little little less fear when it comes on and And of course, in the book, I do talk about the medical mental health system, a little clinic critical you sometimes, clinically, I don't think that's the word. And it's probably a little, little harsh sounding, but it's hard to make it sound peachy, or like a warm apple pie, it's, I don't know, it's if you've been through the system. I don't know, maybe I've been influenced by what other people say, as well and hearing bad experiences of other people. But I really haven't had that many bad experiences. You know, being stuck on medications and being dependent on them is a bad experience. But it's a common one. And so I think that it's been great in a way, but it's been great in the way that I'm able to do this, which is fine information that I want to harvest and harness and share from my journey and experiences. And if you take everything that I say in the book, and will say in future books, and have said in all my dialogues, maybe other people have said it somewhere else, maybe some people haven't said certain things. But, you know, it's, it just means that to me, it means that mania is a meaningful experience worth looking at, just like all the different areas of study out there. It's like a whole new area of study. But there's a lived experience area of study that people who haven't lived the experience can't do. And people in mania or who experienced mania, and people with bipolar diagnosis, they get studied for all different things, you know, inject with this fecal microbial transplants, trans cranial magnetic stimulation, probably that one where they stick the light into your brain, you know, all these different things. But how many people are out there studying this, and I think there's a lot more than is obvious. But since it's sort of seen as a thing that is not meant to be glorified, it's just awful stuff, then, you know, people don't share it, or they don't talk about what they're doing. Like I've been doing this in some way, shape, or form, looking into alternatives. Since 2014. And I've, in my research and everything, you know, I've seen people who say, Oh, this happened to me in 2015, or this has happened to me in 2013. And they've already like published a book, they've already created a course, they've already done something really awesome. So I'm looking forward to making a contribution myself, because more and more of us, hopefully, will be able to do that faster and faster, until that gap is just zero, where, you know, the experience itself is the contribution and people can see and experience people in mania as giving something giving some kind of energies from some other dimension or place that is being channeled into the material world and is like a gift. And you know, people generally think, you know, gurus or this or that who are able to maintain a certain meditation or consciousness for 20 years, then people will be like, wow, like this is somebody to be respected and followed and read, like, we need to get down to, you know, like the Instagram level of these types of things where, you know, in life, in reality, someone can give you a manic gift in the moment, and it might just be 20 seconds, and that's gone. And then, you know, the person who's manic might even transform into someone who's a little bit annoyed or something. And that's okay. And there's still that gift that right? No need to sit and ponder and everything because part of the point is that deep perception action that can happen in that type of state. So that's more of the end goal, rather than rather than sitting in writing books about it is one of the goals I guess. It's not really a goal. But it's more like one of the facets because there are many fascinating facets to this. Like, yeah, I've written a book, there's information in it, but it's really not the thing, like the thing is something, it's a different phenomena altogether. And I think it's possible and, and we can see if we can make possible, right? This is the time of possibilities with all the technology, you know, even though we experience life Newtonian, now I can be anywhere in the world via video. So that's sort of like a quantum thing, in a way, because it's instantaneous, pretty much, pretty close to instantaneous. And yeah, so critiquing the mental mental health system, it's in there, it's peppered throughout, I'm pretty sure by the second book, it won't really be in there at all, because it's more about the potential and the possibilities and applying manic consciousness or transconsciousness, to other human potential frameworks, not all of them, but a select few. And then that way, it sort of provides a greater context. And we can say, yeah, that sort of sort of an aspect of manic consciousness, this isn't and sort of build another consciousness for ourselves. And by doing that, we sort of slowly push other frameworks to the outside. And I think there are other people in the world who have already done this, and they sort of live in a different framework of consciousness than the one that we come back to after mania is over. So yeah, I critique it. I talk about, you know, if we're trying to change this, the psych system, like, what are the pros and cons of that? And of course, like, Well, for me, at least, if there's an opportunity to do something that might change it a bit. Sure, that's fine. But there's other people who think changing it is sort of feeding the beast, if it's, if it's a beast, it's a beast. And my book is more positive or critical or intense. But it's not about it's not about depression. There are some chapters on some experiences that might be called psychosis that were also felt as spiritual and scary. At the same time, so. So yeah, I apologize in advance if it sounds like and that's the thing by by being programmed so much with the word stigma and the word, you know, oh, people don't recognize that I have an illness and, and it's not me, it's the illness. Then as soon as somebody starts saying something about the positives, it's like saying that we're, like, I'm ignoring the negatives. I'm not like, I'm not trying to, I'm just, there's only so many pages in a book. And there's so many books out there. Probably not even enough about the depressive side of bipolar, or, you know, anyone's journey through bipolar, like all of that is useful information. And I do share some of mine. But again, it just doesn't dwell there, because I'm trying to cover another part that doesn't get enough. Justice. And, you know, we could ask, Well, does the does mania justify the the fallout? And what happens? And I don't know, maybe not, but maybe it can, if we see it differently? I still think in my experience that it does, because it's brought a lot of meaning to my life, and maybe most of it is philosophizing. But I don't think so because I experienced the manifest results often, and not as often lately. But that's fine. It's not something that needs to be counted or anything like that. So you know, like, I haven't found a five leaf clover in a while. So what but yeah, so it's not totally about that suffering aspect. And, you know, I do I have a screen, are there benefits to mental emotional crisis. I'm not the first person to say this, you know, I'm not creating a wheel here from scratch, or being the first to say that, so there's a lot of people who talk about some of the benefits and trauma. So someone can say there's benefits and trauma. I don't know how someone can't say there's benefits amania because there are and it just sucks. Assets followed by psychosis, maybe in a depression, usually, and then it's very hard to get back there, or look at that. And also, if we're told not to look into it, it doesn't expand, like the, the context doesn't expand as much as if we start to look into it. And, and, and it'll talk to us, you know, it'll talk and share more. That's the beauty of it. And it's about creating, being able to create our own information and our own consciousness. And when we can do that, it's amazing. And so there's other people who are critical of the mental health system. And I go into that a little bit related to how I created the word re uncovering re-uncovery, because we're re uncovering what we uncovered in mania. And so also talking about neuro diversity, and saying that maybe we as bipolar people are on that sort of spectrum, being neuro diverse. But you know, life or human society doesn't like when people change rapidly is that thing, they don't think that that should be possible, or desirable, because you know, how you can't predict people that way. And then it's kind of scary, right? And if we get scared, we does kind of freeze. So. Yeah. And then I shared a bit about when I discovered that I wasn't the only one who thought that mania had a spiritual aspect. And, you know, spirituality is a big part of it. But, you know, 10 years later, for me, I don't even think about the word spiritual, ever. So that's why I went towards more like meaning. And, you know, because if we're thinking, Oh, that spiritual, it detracts from the actual meaning or the actual message that's trying to be conveyed. And can also, when we call when we label it, something, it sort of shrinks into that. And it's like, well, I already know what that is. So you don't have to show me more. And we don't want to do that is if we're going to re uncover things. And, and also, a big part of it is re languaging. So I create quite a few new terms or put out there bunch of Neo loge isms, which means new word. And I think we're really good at this as bipolar people. And I think it's a gift and a talent. And I don't know about a talent, but it's a gift. And we can learn to use it. Many people use it by doing poetry and art and, and wrap. And that's awesome. And I think we can also get it into other areas, many other areas. Because, you know, if you can create new language while I won't go there right now, but so I talked about the self dialogue process, which I have with myself, I don't even like the word self, really, because part of this book, I question whether the self really exists as we think it. And again, that questioning goes back hundreds of years anyway. But you know, when mania if you're all of a sudden, one person, a different person. And five seconds ago, you were this person, like, how can you think that there's a consistent self? I don't want to say that I don't want to say how can you think but it questions? What is the self? Is there consistent person personality self, or is trying to stay consistent to that part of the trouble of the world, because we're always trying to keep up how we're supposed to be in certain situations, and we don't end up being how we would naturally be. And we're doing it for our sake and the sake of other people, and then that just creates this whole, you know, world that is like that. And then so as soon as somebody is being spontaneous, people don't like it. Well, we just don't have practice. That's all and we don't have permission to do That. And then if we do end up going into a state where we just can't help it, we can't help but not pretend, then, you know, we could be locked away, and medicated for life. So you know, what is a dangerous, it's a dangerous game to show yourself, to show yourself yourself without any control over that process happening. It's like a mutated awakening. And so yeah, some of this stuff, I, you know, I bring in a little bit of science here and there. But you know, if there's something that I didn't quote, it's because I probably just made it up myself. And if somebody else said it, I just didn't know. And plus, I say a lot of things, and I can't, I can't put a reference for everything, I'm having somebody decide, I picked out a lot of the references, and then having someone pick out the rest. So yeah, I go, this part, this part I go into about, you know, the self thought, the false self, all that, like, it's kind of uncomfortable to talk about, because there's so many books out there that are really good on the subject, like, so many in so many great thinkers. So. So I don't want to pretend that I know what I'm talking about as that much. But I'm trying to just sort of make a point. Because I think we, as people who experienced bipolar mania, we are told these things. So for some people, this will be like old news, like, yeah, I've heard about the ego. I've read the power of now, blah, blah, blah. And then other people will be like, what the heck, like, of course, I have a self and all that. And then, you know. So there'll be just very things and I'm just trying to share a little bits that seem to stick through those 10 iterations I told you about. So it's not meant to be perfect. And it's not meant to be like perfectly scientific. And, yeah, again, like, does it does the self exist? And what about other aspects of the mind? And, you know, how do we sort of disengage the self? Or can we, and then I go kind of into a section on mania, but it's not very great, because it's like, all this content in a way is from mania. And it's sort of to build a bridge from mania to the mainstream world. But it's not so much about like, a story about mania, or all the different things in mania, like it's sort of subjective to the person. So the specifics of mania are not really as interesting. So I kind of just got a list of sort of metaphors of mania, and, you know, the supersensitivity of mania, because again, in the next book, I'll be talking about mania related to other human potential thought lines. So yeah, I'm not trying to really talk about it so much on its own. So I think I could have done a better job of this area, but it didn't really happen. And then, you know, the last part I talked about, from the first time I went from mania to psychosis, and, you know, sort of different views of psychosis and crisis, and you know, feeling like going crazy. And then I just go into a few other things about, you know, I guess in a way, it's part of depression, where there's could be anger, pain, just not forgetting about the physical world. And then I talk about a few hints for navigating the next cycle, which there's tons out there. A lot of people have so much great information. This is just a few bits. So you No one can think of this book as like, Oh, it's trying to be like this big complete message. Which isn't exactly right. Or it's like these bits. It's like food for building a bridge to mania or sparking your re-uncovery process if that's what you wish to do. And yeah, it's not meant to be like this is how it is or anything. It's just kind of like ideas and putting certain things out there. And I went on Spotify and I looked up in the podcast section, I looked up the word bipolar and I found a lot of different parts. broadcasts and people that started them over the years and start sharing them. And then they just stopped like they didn't keep going. So I'm just had one episode or a few. But there were about 14 or so that were still still active. And none of them seemed completely similar to what, what I'm doing. But there was one that was had a few topics that maybe are something that I've touched on. So yeah, I just hope more people get out there and, and talk and share and hoping to create a new conversation. And yeah, I, I need to wrap it up for now. But I'll come back. And this was helpful to just talk a little bit about what I've been writing about. And, you know, I don't know if a book is the best medium, so I'll try to get it out there and other forms. Because sometimes it's hard to read, I find it hard to read, sometimes even now just it's challenging. So I will get it out there and other forums as well. And I hope that it's enjoyable, and I will try my best to talk to myself more. And I listened to what I was saying about, you know, in my journey from my documented bipolar journey of three years, and talking with myself and being able to live all my dreams, even though they weren't like huge dreams, but they're pretty big for me. And I'm just about to head off to California and that journey. So that was that was amazing in many ways. And I hope that you enjoyed hearing a little bit about the book. Stay tuned and I will talk soon.
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I think it's a nine or eight on Seroquel. And I'm at the park. As you can see. It's interesting, I not only feel like I don't have anything to say, I also don't even feel like making videos, which is something I've been doing for seven or eight months. So to me, it's interesting how 10 days on a little bit of circle has kind of destroyed my motivation. And again, I think it's okay right now. Because I need to take a break from overthinking things and do more of just getting stuff done. So today, so far, I was organizing my kitchen and taking out some of the items that I wouldn't want someone else using. So I did quite a bit of that. And then I just sort of felt done with it. Like I needed to get outside for a while. So here I am. I am starting to feel excited about California since yesterday. excited for a change of scenery. And I still have quite a few things to do before I go so long as I do a couple of things per day. I should be ready to go in the nick of time. I have to decide how I'm going to get there. I have to get insurance and all that stuff. So maybe I'll make another video later when I'm at home. What if I don't this is a short one. So maybe I'll combine it with if I say anything tomorrow and the next day. Couple things about today. Again, my brain isn't super thinkI but that's a good thing. And last night was the first night I took half of this Seroquel instead of a whole one. And I took a whole one every day for probably 12 days. So the 13th night I took half. And I'll take half again tonight. And then after that I will perhaps try without the Seroquel to go to sleep. Because I've been sleeping just fine. And every night I've been doing some coherence breathing with my heart rate monitor, chest strap and the app as well as soaking my feet with Epsom salts. Sort of a little ritual I've developed and it seems to make me feel calm and just go to sleep. And I usually drink mugwort tea out of a nice mug. And I actually grow mugwort out in the yard. Because when I was in Santa Barbara six years ago, somebody gave me a mugwort leaf and he said put this under your pillow you'll have nice dreams. And so I took it and I went back to the hostel that night and I did put it under my pillow. I when I was falling asleep as soon as I sort of fell asleep I felt myself going through a time mark it was like like it was like the weirdest thing out of a movie like warp drive or hyperspeed or lightspeed being engaged in a spaceship and sort of having that sensation to of accelerating like that. And I'm pretty quickly just jerked awake, like oh my gosh, what the hell? And then I thought that was strange, but then I put my head back down. And when I did it did the same thing when I started to fall asleep. Just want to, like you felt like I was in a spaceship accelerating. And so again, I just jerked awake, like what the hell. So I took the mug wart leaf out from under my pillow and just placed it beside the bed and didn't want to participate in that. And then, oddly enough when I got home and I was, at that point, kind of manic, and I was going to this organic grocery store in an adjacent city, and the lady there was this cute Asian lady. And she was trying to sell me this green powder stuff for for a tea. And she was trying to tell me what it's called. And but she was saying it in a way that I couldn't understand the way she was pronouncing it. And I think she eventually wrote it down. And she wrote down MK Ward, and I was like, What the hell. So I bought the T. And it might have been that time or another time I went there that she told me she has more plants. Or it's kind of like a weed really. And she said that she would give me some, if I called her on her cell phone. So I did and she did end up giving me the plants. And I planted it in a bunch of different locations around the property. And it's kind of funny, because this one place, I planted it between the two houses. There's like a row of muck Ward like two feet wide by 15 feet long. Right now it's all dead and dried up because it's winter time. But it comes back every year. And then I planted it behind the house. big long, same thing of motherboard, and then all in the front yard. It kind of takes over. But last year, I think it was I harvested a bunch of it and dried it and kept it for tea. And so long story short, I have my own record tea. I want to move I should be sure to take some mug work with me. So my word tea mug word story. taking half a Seroquel. I also in the mail, got my medical ID. So I've got PTSD and bipolar one. I don't know if you can see that. And then on the back my name and my medication and then see iPhone medical ID because iPhone has a feature to put your medical ID in there. So it's on the emergency call screen. So I have more information in my iPhone medical idea talk about my advanced directive, my representation agreement, where those are on my phone in case I forget. And I also say remind me to take a Seroquel PRN if I'm scared and confused. And bunch of stuff like that and my contacts. And so I have this for my trip. I may or may not wear it. But I decided to buy it either way. And I also cleaned my car a little bit, even though it looks like I might not be driving. My car's really old. And so I actually today booked a train ticket because I've taken the train there twice before very long trip 30 plus hours, but I find it quite nice and relaxing. So it was cheap to was like 125 bucks, whereas a flight would be about 250. And the train the benefit of the train is that I can cancel less than 20% fee. Whereas if I book a plane ticket, I can't change it. And there are a few things that might cause me to need to leave a little bit later. So I think this was the best thing to do right now. I feel good about that. And I can always cancel it and fly if I want or it If I ended up getting a new car or something, which is pretty unlikely, then I can always decide to drive. And driving would be a lot more expensive though, I might decide to buy a cheap car down there temporarily find out if I can do that if I can insure it, I don't know how that works. So I can take the insurance off my car and put it as storage insurance possibly save some money that way. And I also looked into a little bit of stuff around subletting my place, because I might be able to get a little bit of money from that. Even though I don't own this place, and most of it I wouldn't get I would just get a little bit because it's my furniture and stuff, but could be helpful. So still lots to do. still lots to think about and I'm thinking about a few other things as well.
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seroquel, people, psych ward, feel, medication, clubhouse, talk, brain, worse, mania, hospital, terrifying, vaccines, chaos, experience, video, state, suffering, point, induce
It's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my brain. It was so painful, and it was it was so out there, what was going on and and each time I woke up, I took another Seroquel, hoping that it would make it better. I don't know if it makes it better, or if it makes it worse. And by making it worse, it makes it better by making it kind of quicker, I don't know, since so far looks like I'm able to avoid the psych ward. I am curious about testing next time taking less of it and just writing it out, though, I think it knocks me out as opposed to maybe being awake through whatever chaos is going on internally. So it seems to be helpful. Again, I'm in favor of it while it's needed. And then not every day when it's not needed. Because even if I take it every day, when it's not needed, it probably is gonna happen again. So I don't see, I don't see the point, it doesn't really prevent it from happening, though it does seem to help me get through it. So I spent a week with family in the first two days I just laid in bed. And then I think the third day I got up for half a day. And then the rest of the days I was up most of the day. So I really only had two days of really intense suffering. And then a couple other nights were a little bit scary. Even last night, I'm still taking the Seroquel each night. Even last night, I remember waking up and feeling kind of scared, but kind of forgetting. And that's the thing it kind of makes you forget, which I think is necessary. Because it's really, really terrifying. And I'll probably unfold more of it as I talk to myself, even though I'm not necessarily going to talk to myself about what I did experience internally because that would be classified as so called hallucination and delusion. I could think of it as possible futures and they could be futures that exist hundreds of years from now or possibly never they're just possibilities because the brain goes into this possibility state and and that's why I feel like for me it's important to not fight it. Not flee from it, not add extra fear to it. But just freeze and just lay there and wait it out. Because if I was to get up and walk around while that is going on, it would not be congruent with anything. It's only congruent with laying in bed and feeling completely terrible. Like this inner chaos is happening and and it seems this inner chaos is just something that's within me and and it's terrifying. It's it's absolutely horrific. I remember as the memory of what was going on in my brain was fading. I remember trying to remember, but then thinking God I don't want I don't want to remember that. Like, please just reset for my mind. And so it did get erased and it definitely feels like a type of death like an inner death. And it's sort of like during an earthquake. Generally we don't want to be running around while the earthquake is happening. We want to stay still or move a few feet to find a safe place to park ourselves while it earthquake. happens and waited out. So this inner turmoil, this chaos, this post traumatic stress reaction or in whatever it is, or psychosis or whatever you want to call it, it's terrifying. And so just getting to a place where I could just wait it out, wait for that inner earthquake to finish. Because had I tried to stay up and about in reality too long I probably would have been funneled to the psych ward. And I was lucky to be able to drive myself to the mental health clubhouse. And I did get to express some of my fears and things that were going on at that time. Some of which I remember I remember talking about Jesus a lot. And in that state, I do connect with that paradigm somewhat. Because I try to explain how it was that I was able to get myself out of a bad situation. Sometimes my brain is like, what was Jesus, he came in and sort of took over your body and walked you on over there. And then so if I follow that line of supposed logic, and I might have been talking about this before, I don't even know. I don't know if it's great to talk about but then after the fact, the fact that I was saved, kind of all my life to Jesus in a way. And I'm not a Christian, by any stretch, but when I get into that state of oneness, sometimes I get in connection with that, because I could go around saying, Jesus saved me and a lot more people would understand that then I have a mental illness, and I have psychosis and things like that. And if I follow the line of Jesus, I didn't mean someone that was very Jesus like, and I talked about how he made me write down, create this Dream Center where people that are homeless can go to heal and have their dignity restored, and then connect with meaningful work. And so I feel like I'm supposed to do that, or at least try. And so that connects me with embodying my mania. If I go back and truly harvest my mania, that was one of the experiences that is harvestable. And and that would be connecting with my altruism. Notice how much noisier it is now that the snow has melted. I really feel like that was an act of divine intervention to put the snow air for over a month, so it'd be nice and quiet. I remember when I was in my first mania, I thought I could control the weather. Maybe the weather does intervene for us sometimes. The SATs an optimistic way of looking at it. Giving thanks for the snow for the peace and quiet that it provided. So yeah, I have a lot to say, because it's been 10 days. And so much has happened. And I wish I was able to make videos during the process. But I just didn't think that it was good to talk about stuff while I was in the process. And maybe next time it happens. I will or at least try to this time I didn't want to because well, usually I'm in the psych ward and I can't really make videos. I can once I get to the point where I can go outside on passes. But this time, since I was with my family, I just didn't really want to make videos about it. But perhaps next time I can at least somewhat The point of this video here is to show that nine days later, I'm back on my feet. And that crisis was just as bad as the one I experienced last year where I ended up in the psych ward and different care units for 33 days. So this time, zero days, a couple calls to my clinician. And I see my doctor today and I just want to be like, how do you explain that? How do you explain that with some unconditional love? Person centeredness not being directed to the hospital, because I didn't want to go was telling the people at the clubhouse. I don't want to go the hospital because of what happened last time. So the blessing of the last time being so bad was sort of that this time, I didn't want to go. Whereas had that not happened, I probably would have been like, yeah, I'm in the state where I need to go to the hospital. So these amazing people were able to keep me safe and somewhat calm, and they're so caring and wonderful. And, and trauma informed if you want to call it that. But I have relationships with these wonderful people. And and that was what saved me. And I'm so grateful, I just words can't really describe. Words can't describe because, you know, they get me out of the psych ward, and they helped me stay out of it. And that could be a big turning point. As not like I it's not like it was any easier. It wasn't. But it wasn't made worse. There wasn't a layer of trauma added by being put in a psych ward and pathologized. My family was very helpful to they just brought me some Moringa powder in juice just checked on me but didn't really pry too much into what I was going through, which was very helpful and, and I didn't feel judgmental eyes and feel anything but care. And it really was such a stark contrast to what I experienced last time. And I actually have a phone call about what I experienced in April, soon, anytime. And I'm really concerned about this whole I intragenic illness thing that I heard the term actually couple of months ago. And then I heard Dr. Kelly Brogan talk about it on her interview on the vaccines revealed program, so it wasn't actually related to vaccines, but she was just talking about how she realized by giving people medications. If she didn't really explain to them that it'd be really hard to come off of these medications. If they were on it for a certain period of time, meaning the medications were going to induce symptoms they didn't have before they started taking the medication, then she wasn't truly giving informed consent. Now she actually helps people come off their medications. And since she's really knowledgeable that coming off of them is actually quite difficult. And then usually that difficulty is translated into Oh, you need your medications. But really, she talks about how the body adapts, and then it seems like we need it. But really, we're just adapted. So I wonder how much of mine is that or I even feel like for me from the very beginning it was I estrogenic because the first medication I was put on olanzapine made me really worse. Maybe better for a little bit but then it made me worse after a month and made me really, really, really suffer. And it wasn't till I went back to the psych ward and was taken off of it. I felt better. So that kind of medication just doesn't do well with me. And it never has. But I feel like since I was put on at first, it made me seem like I was so unwell it turned me into a chronic patient because I showed how I looked in a different video, I was all puffy and big and. And that was basically a mental patient. And since then I've been recovering from being turned into that, which only took two and a half months to turn me into that. But it's taken five and a half years to get to this point. And I'm still on medications and stuff. And I'm not saying that it's all that because I'm also the type of person that doesn't really regret stuff in that I'm always learning. So I've learned a lot to this point. So by having that first bad experience, and then having a so called relapse three and a half years later, that was good, it was quick, in and out of the psych ward, and then another relapse That was quick in another psych ward, and then go to the psych ward and be treated in a way that was similar to the very first time. Even actually, after the very first time, I went back to the psych ward, and I insisted not to be put on antipsychotics, and the doctor listened to me, put me on an antidepressant. And I was on a combination of medication that I was okay with. And from there, I was able to take steps towards getting better. And I had a really good time along the way. So I don't regret that. So for me personally, I actually don't regret if there was any suffering induced by doctors, because I've learned a lot. I've learned what works for me, I've learned what doesn't work for me, I'm continuing to learn maybe one day I'll be able to learn my way out of having to take anything, or maybe not. Because I definitely have been through stuff and done stuff to myself that maybe I need to be medicated. So I don't even know, I think there's a lot I need to embody, before I can take this crutch of medication off. Because when that comes out of my system, it's going to make me feel worse. Before I feel better, and I need to be in a place where I'm strong enough to feel that worst sness if that's a word and cope with that, as well as go on with life. So I would say one thing is financial. Another thing is having a quiet environment to live in being connected with my friends. So it's not something that can be taken lightly. It's something very serious. And part of it too is by doing those things. It's lifestyle design. It's designing my life in a way that is in alignment with what wellness is for me, and it's different for everybody. So I know for me right now, if I was just to go off medication wouldn't be a good idea. Especially after just having a crisis and and it was really, really terrifying. And I'm still here. And sometimes I just have to feel like if I was meant to be dead, I would be dead already because that sure feels like chaotic elements trying to destroy my life. But it could be that it's trying to destroy something else. Like all the things that I saw and talked about, it gets to the point of being too much. So it almost goes to this extreme of too much and then fizzles out like an explosion, and it requires a few days of just resting to allow the brain to just get back to square one. Get back to basics and To me still feels afraid, more so than other times. But maybe not. That's hard to say. I'm only taking one Seroquel fast release at night. And since I do remember waking up afraid, I might try and take two. Because I do want to get back to baseline, I don't want to still be kind of afraid, though I feel like since this time, it felt more like PTSD than psychosis. Maybe that fear will just kind of be there. Now because it was more, it was more real in that it felt like it had more to do with me and my own experience in life, versus just dissociating and feeling like a homeless person. Maybe as a way to psychologically escape from that which I did not want to arise in consciousness as the equivalent fear and suffering that I actually have of my own. It's just translated into, I'm afraid because I'm feeling like a homeless person on the street. And there's a lot more to that there, I almost feel like homeless people are enlightened, and they sit there waiting to rescue those that need rescuing by their consciousness sort of being a mirror of the person in need. So we actually feel like we have to help the homeless people, but they're actually helping us when we just don't understand how. Basically, they're kind of like God in disguise. And we, we don't realize that and part of it is that if they were able to kind of stand up and talk to us, they might be talking about God and other things, and we just dismiss them. But that's all they can do is just sit there and then maybe talk about God if somebody engages them. But they're doing the same thing. They're sitting down and shutting up and freezing because because that's all they can do. But we don't know what they're experiencing, and consciousness and we all share the same consciousness. So it's quite complex. They're waiting for an angel to come and rescue them. So I feel like I need to go see the Dream Center equivalent in Calvary. And also go see Patch Adams because if I create this Dream Center, it has to be kind of like a Patch Adams place where everyone is equal. Whether it's the janitor, or the doctor or whatever. And even having people that are there in the Dream Center, starting to connect with their altruism right away, you know, feeling useful helping out. So it has to be I'm not sure. And I was thinking that it's more like people and space. It's not a system. It's just space, and people and what people bring to the space and the space that people create around them. And I already have a good example of this from the clubhouse. I've talked about mental health and been critical of things in the system. For the clubhouse model, I've never seen anything that I would think twice about because it's just beautiful, beautiful people, interacting with people beautifully treating people beautifully. It's It's wonderful and I really feel like I owe my life to that place. I went there after my second hospitalization after I had to be taken off that medication and was able to build a pretty good life. And I still go there and it's the people. So again, I can't be critical of my journey because I wouldn't change a thing though I would change stuff for the next generation of people who have to experience these services, because it can be quite painful and there can be a lot of harm. That people that are quite well meaning in the system are inducing. And they don't see that they're doing it. So there's so much to talk about, I haven't made a video and so long, but I made some notes in my book. And it's, it's all for me to remember what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. When I was watching my videos, I was thinking this is a good process. But I also need to talk myself into embodied mania, which is, which is pretty much just making sure I'm showered and ready in the morning and just showing up. It was Bell, let's talk day, yesterday, and I was at the clubhouse all day and had some really good conversations with people. And I just loved that place. I feel like how they helped me last week, sort of like how the Dream Center would help people to take them in and not label them just care for them. And I feel like I only live to that place. And I'm still intending to go to California. And if I do go I hope I can have some space and some silence to just come back and and do the best I can for other people. And I think I'll be able to serve people better without labeling them and judging them. Then I could by participating in the paradigm that is bent on that. And that's why I really do like the clubhouse because they don't ask about diagnosis. It's really just a community of people of wonderful people that are misunderstood. And the people that receive them unconditionally, non judgmentally. And so it's just beautiful. You can't tell the workers apart from the people who go to the clubhouse and and that's so important. So I'm really happy that I was able to make that doctor and the system obsolete. For myself, at least this time. That's English prime. This time, not saying go on never happened or have to go to hospital. I'm just saying this time. I was able to just lay there, freeze waited out and not allow my inner chaos and turmoil and pain and suffering to flower into the whole hoopla around going to the hospital. I'm not saying that that's a good idea to not go to the hospital. It's definitely the best out there right now. I'm just saying that it is possible to get to the point where one can avoid it with enough support. Even I've talked about my SAP strap when I wasn't quite ready to leave and I was starting to feel very terrified. I thought about my zap strap and I thought, should I just fasten myself here now. And I felt like get to the clubhouse, get to the clubhouse get to the clubhouse. And so knowing that I had that option made it so I could get to the clubhouse. So it's not just a matter of Oh, I don't need to go to the hospital. There's a lot involved in that. That means abstract by my bed I have a few Seroquel. And so I'm ready any time. And as long as I grab my phone I always have a charger cord beside my bed, then I can lay there myself as long as I want and then call for help. And maybe next time, that's what I'll do. I'll just lay there and wait it out myself and then call for somebody to release me when when I'm ready. I'm not sure that would sort of be the next level is doing it without anybody's help. And also another thing I could do is take Seroquel earlier maybe to avoid that from coming on. I was talking about it in my video on the fourth or the seventh. And then it was the 18th that things went down. So I wonder if next time I can prevent it from really going that deep. Right now I'm on Seroquel daily, and I'm not sure how long they'll take it I have a feeling that I might have to take it a little bit longer because of the different flavor of this crisis. I don't know. Usually I would still be on it like twice or three times a day right now. I've only been taking it at night for several days. And I don't know if that's quite enough. But the thing is, I want to be able to drive and stuff like that. So so we'll see what happens but lots to talk about with this. And I'm really looking forward to not talking about mental health after this week or so, because there's still because there's still a few things that I have to deal with. So yeah, this is not meant to say stay out of the hospital. It's just for me, I'd like to make that kind of care and treatment obsolete. putting myself in the path of being put turn alized
people, experiencing, talking, crisis, brain, psych ward, dream, feel, mania, embodied, day, clubhouse, mental health, ward, treated, psych, gestures, life, person, altruism
I feel like it's a countdown until my next crisis. That seems to happen every six to eight and a half months, I was able to stretch it out to eight and a half months this time, because the next longest was eight months. And it was a couple days after the new year that I was sort of celebrating gay. I haven't had a crisis in over eight months, which was the longest time without a crisis. And then I just had a crisis that started nine days ago. And already, seemingly mostly through it, even though I am still taking a circle at night. And I'm hoping to be able to stop that by two weeks maximum, so that would be five more days. But we'll see. I really liked how this time I could administer my own medication during crisis. And I wasn't in the hospital. So I could almost od on it, if I chose to, which I wasn't really intending to do, or not take any of it or just take one a day instead of maybe three a day if I was in the hospital, so I liked that. Yet, the crisis was more intense in my brain, that one night, and I must feel more afraid of it because it's the fourth time it's happened. And it seems to happen every six to eight and a half months. So I really feel like I just have a countdown until the next one. And I wonder if there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening. And one thing I am doing, which I have been talking about is to no longer work in mental health, at least in the part of the system that I find, for me, at least, at times, does more harm than good. There's other areas of the system that do work really well. The ones that are more relationship based and psychosocial based. And that's really what saved me from having to go to the psych ward was the relationships at the clubhouse, so I will be no longer working in mental health. But there are still a few things that I need to do over the next couple of weeks to tie up some loose ends. And I hope they don't bother me too much. It's interesting how crisis sort of erases my memory. I don't really remember what I was talking about. I remember talking about like brain growth and all this stuff. And I'm sort of thinking, I don't know if it's good to actually grow one's brain in isolation, whether that's part of the process or not. And even with embodied mania, if it's not relational, then it can get out of hand. Because even if one is able to grow one's perspective, to be able to see more and more and understand more and, and read between the lines of reality, it gets to the point where one's brain is almost like one with reality. And when it's one with reality, one loses one's individual ego identity. And when that happens, it's hard to operate in society. And when one sees so much and then sees too much of things that are maybe interesting and good. One can also see things that one might not want to see which is partly what the egos job is is to block those things that we're not ready to look at and ready to see yet. And medication can help with that as well. And I also feel like the state of shame is dangerous for sure. So I got myself into a place of shame yet a strong perception of things. And I saw way too much. And then my brain almost has to go to seeing way, way, way too much possible futures and then basically get, like fried by aliens from outer space or something. And then, and then just come back to like, whoa, whoa, like that was the scariest movie I've ever seen that I had to experience inside me instead of on a television screen. It was absolutely terrifying and so scary that I can't even really remember it. And I don't want to actually, it was unbelievable. And that's probably why it's easy to forget, because it's very hard to believe. So. So I'll just kind of forget about that stuff for now. And move on to embodying mania. And today, I went to the clubhouse. And I was there most of the day, because one way to stay embodied is to be around other bodies. So embodying one's mania isn't just about embodying one's mania, but making it relational, which I think I was talking about a long, long time ago. And also, by making it relational, it makes it more embodied because you're embodied as that version of yourself, and then you're relating in that way, which mirrors it to other people, which mirrors it back to you, and you're interacting in that way. So even now, after having those terrifying experiences, and going through that process, I'm not wanting to go and relate about that stuff, because it's not. That's actually the stuff I experienced, actually, it was not worth harvesting. And it seems that those seeds just died into oblivion, and I can't even remember them. So it's not something that I can reflect on and be like, well, I want to harvest that the experience was more harvestable in terms of very near to ideal scenario, from me being able to stay out of the psych ward, as opposed to being funneled into the system, I can almost see myself as the seed getting myself to the clubhouse and then getting myself to my family with their health. As opposed to being this person who walks toward the psych ward, and the ambulance and the police or whoever would be interacting with me in that whole scenario. Didn't happen, I didn't unfold that as what flowered in front of me, I was able to avoid that. And that's taken years to be able to do it takes relationships and trust and, and friendships and family and prs ends and quiet and surrender and just laying there and waiting out whatever it is that wants to implode in my brain. And and it was kind of nice to not have to explain what I was experiencing inside to professionals because they'd be writing it down and then using that as justification for changing my meds or, or putting me through some new kind of rigmarole. Whereas I just gave myself extra meds and just laid there and I didn't have to talk about it. Or say how bad it is for them to decide if I'm worthy of being in the psych ward or not. And all of that that happens because usually if I go I have to explain it to one person, and then another person and then another person, and then they decide and then I wait and then I get into the psych ward. And there's this whole long process. And I didn't have to repeat any of that stuff. I did talk about some of what I was experiencing to the people at the clubhouse. And it was more just having a conversation about it as opposed to having them gather that information in terms of treatment and diagnosis and things like that. So it was quite ideal. And again, I'm very grateful. And I do actually feel like unconditional love heals all, my family was unconditionally loving this time, not that they weren't before. But before they funneled me to the psych ward, that's all they knew how to do. But somehow, this time, I was able to get there. And they were able to care for me for a couple of days. And, and then I was sort of back to myself to some degree. And even though I was very much in a state of panic, PTSD, trauma, terror, everything, I was still able to remain watchful about what it was that people were doing to me and how they were treating me. And I just remember, seeing, like, Wow, this is amazing. They're doing exactly what I need. And I don't even have to say anything. And I feel like, I feel like somehow, by talking to myself so much about this stuff, that almost created that in the fabric of reality somehow, or the fabric of my reality. Because we're talking so much about how I had a bad experience in the psych ward, I really knew in my heart and brain cells in neurology, that I didn't want to go to the psych ward. And the people that I was talking to, they also knew that I didn't want to go. So they didn't just immediately put me in that direction. They were able to use their skills that they had, as well as the fact that we have a relationship and, and connection and, and mutual respect and understanding and, and use those factors, those inner human dimension factors, to keep me feeling calm and save, and, and listen to me and understand me and, and just provide that space, and it just shows the hearts of those people. It's just amazing. And I just wish that people like me could be treated that way without having to have the relationships. What I mean is a person could go to the psych ward and be treated that kind be treated as if we are all friends. be treated with unconditional love, even though a person might be saying and experiencing things that are seemingly strange. Seeing that it's temporary, and somebody can really get back on their feet very quickly if they're treated with compassion and care, more so than if they're treated with paternalism eyes, and, and, and that kind of treatment that we all react badly to. Whether we're unwell mentally, emotionally, physically or not, nobody likes to be told what to do. People like to be collaborated with and listened to. And so I don't understand why that just can't be the norm. So yeah, I was watching the whole time with the part of me that was completely lucid, because there's still a large part of me that is very lucid during those times and and I just felt very grateful that I was being treated exactly how I would ask, and maybe that's part of what I created in the fabric of my reality and in my neurology by talking to myself because like I said, this time was more of a flashback than a dissociation and by having a flashback, I was still me having a flashback versus just sitting there dissociated and terrified. So perhaps by talking to myself, I was able to get myself into a state where I could talk about some of that and also remain myself and I think I even said that in a video a long, long time ago, that my problem is that I need to kid Darcy, which is a Spanish word for to remain myself. I think to remain oneself. So I was able to remain myself, partly because I knew I had this app strap. And I was able to finish getting ready and drive myself to the clubhouse, which is about 1520 minutes away. And getting there. They diverted me from the hospital as well to my family, and my family was able to watch out for me. And they didn't look at me in a fearful way, mainly to because I know now that if there's scary stuff going on inside, that it's not happening on the outside. So it's something that I have to go through myself. And I've talked a lot about a lot of it and how it could be this and could be that and so many different reframes. I don't even know if what I experienced this time in my brain even fits any of the reframes that have said it was very strong and powerful. And, and so many things, it's it was just like, a death. And I was basically ready to die if I needed to. And so what I'm saying that is I didn't try to engage my family and getting them to talk with me about the stuff. They're not mental health people, they're not counselors, the stuff I was experiencing inside was, was not congruent with their reality. So when I got to the place where they were to stay with them, I wasn't like, let's start talking about these aliens wrapping my brain. No, I just went to bed lay down, was experiencing hell inside. But I was just laying there quietly and taking extra circle and trying to get some sleep and, and it went on for a day. And, and then bits and pieces after that. So by me just surrendering to the crap, I had to go through myself, which I would have probably talked somewhat about if I ended up in the hospital because I have to justify why I'm there. I'm experiencing this and that and the next thing. So by avoiding the hospital, I don't even have to talk about some of these awful things that were going on in my brain. And and that could have been partly why they just sort of disappeared into oblivion is because I didn't talk about them. Whereas if I would have been up and about in the psych ward, and maybe writing about stuff or, or having to talk to nurses about what I was experiencing. Maybe that would have given some kind of remembrance to it. But I just let it all wither away. And maybe that's why it was a lot faster to I didn't really engage it. So there is something to not engaging some of it. Especially if one wants to remain outside the psych ward, I chose to just surrender lay down, ready to have my brain dissolve and dive if necessary. And that didn't happen. Though, I probably killed a lot of brain cells by taking Seroquel. And when I talked about the brain growth thing for I think certain medications actually make the brain shrink. They say the mental illness makes the brain shrink. But I think most people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are probably on some kind of brain shrinking med. So they never really take that into consideration. And even if they do control for it, it's probably manipulated in some way to make it like oh, it's not the meds, it's just the brain shrinking, which maybe it is maybe the brain actually needs to shrink somewhat after growing to such a point of seeing and experiencing so much internally that it's a bit too much. And I think to that, again, it's important to be embodied. embodied mania, have the gestures going share the energy to create those neural networks of sharing and gesturing in those ways. So it's actually embedded in the organism, not just as a blueprint in the brain. And I was spending too much time by myself. I was at home a lot, the weather was bad, I made a lot of videos with myself. And I think that was a good foundation, because I actually think that a lot of what I was talking about with myself, helped actually create this more ideal crisis situation that just happened. And now for the embodied mania part, instead of just harvesting, instead of just talking about it, the embodied part is actually something I need to work on now. And one way to be embodied is be out around people. Because one is also relational. So by making one's body visible to other bodies, one's body is kind of more real, in a way, because other bodies, which are almost like cameras are seeing you are seeing me. And so when I was, well, for three and a half years before my first so called relapse, I lived in a supportive housing building. And the clubhouse was downstairs. So I was always, always always around people being seen by people and seeing people and saying hi, and smiling, just the gestures of being alive and being human. And then I worked for a chiropractor. And so I was always around people again, at least five days a week, seeing lots of people that would come into the office. And I lived alone for a year and a half that time. And then I ended up back in the hospital. I had gone off my meds with the help of my doctor. But then after that I had the parasport job where I'm not really around as many people. And so I think that being around people is one way to stay embodied. So that's what I did today. And another way would be, go to the driving range, hit some golf balls, go snowboarding. These are things I can't necessarily afford right now. But I think having a few different activities that are using my body and not being so much in my mind and not talking so much about abstracting about harvesting mania and thinking about the way the brain works, I need to start to think about how the body works and not just think about it, but actually just use my body. And sitting here on the couch making videos is not really a good use of my body, I don't think so I still want to make videos, but it's important for me to actually just be in my body, especially after a crisis where there's all these weird thoughts going on. Less thinking and more. More moving and and interacting with people is going to be important. I think in the summer, I'm going to buy a stand up paddleboard, and then that's a way to go out and just be on the water. And so I realized that I need to actually start living my dream, or I'm going to keep reliving my nightmare, as in psychosis, or PTSD. So I need to tie up the loose ends with the mental health thing. I'm still going to go to California and see how long I'll be there. Hopefully, I can still make some videos. And I'm hoping to get trained in ecpr while I'm in California, and also wanting to go see Celine Dion. For some reason, after my first mental health crisis, I would just watch a lot of her music videos and her different DVDs like her world tour one and then she had a different one of her concert in Boston and she's just such a beautiful and integris person that it just really helped me to watch her. And then luckily I met a beautiful and integris person to just be my mentor in real life. But I feel like I want to see Celine Dion Live in Vegas. And I did go to Vegas to see her, but then she had canceled her show. So I did go, but didn't get to see her. And since I had this latest crisis, I missed out on a bunch of hours at work, too. And so it seems like my funds are just hard to come by, they're hard to come by in mental health. So when I get back, I'll probably get a job, maybe working for a chiropractor again, or something like that. Something that's just fun, and not requiring a lot of seeing things that could be somewhat dramatic. And I'm still going to bring ecpr here in September or October or something like that. So I'll be working on that while I'm gone. So that's part of my dream. And also, I'd like to learn something kind of musical like, like electronic music production, I used to do a little bit of that. And maybe singing. And I also want to take a trip to the Dream Center in Calgary, and a trip to see Patch Adams and take a course with him. Because I feel like if there's some kind of Dream Center created to help people, it needs to be somewhat like Patch Adams, equality. And I probably talked about that in my last video, I think. So I wonder how many of my dreams gonna make come true in the next eight months. And we'll embodying that and, and experiencing that prevent the next crisis. I don't know if it will. But by not working in mental health and replacing that with dreams, it could be a good step, and it could at least be more fun. And when I think about it, I was able to be very well for three and a half years. So there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to again, somehow, I was also thinking that I could go back and watch my videos and try to extract the key concepts because that way I could actually embody them. So I could work towards embodying some of the stuff I was talking about and actually test it out. Or I might just go about being more embodied and see what comes out of that. So one thing is altruism. I do have some food that I want to give out to homeless people. So I could do that one day, I was thinking of doing a 30 day altruism challenge, making sure I get to do something altruistic each day. The trouble is those that I don't want to get hyper sensitized to traumatic things right now. So exposing myself to people that are suffering right now might be really difficult to see. I need to be a little bit stronger. I think I think I need to get this mental health stuff off my plate, because the whole thing about what I'm sharing in terms of mental health is that a lot of times people are very traumatized. And it's made worse by the way they're treated. So that trauma is not taken into account. So if I'm still talking about that stuff, it might be difficult to actually go out and see people suffering at this moment. So by staying out of the psych ward, I feel like I just accomplished the psychological equivalent of the four minute mile. Before Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile most people thought it was impossible for human beings to do. And before I would have thought it was impossible for me to stay out of the psych ward if I had a full blown crisis, so called psychosis. But I just actually pulled off a four day crisis. Without the Ipu. I also need to find more laughter again, somehow I used to laugh all the time laughing, being ridiculous all the time. Mental Health just isn't that funny yet. I thought of a saying May your dream unfold the dream of humanity and of course more nature would be great. I also thought of making a budget for things like the stand up paddleboard and, and seeing Celine Dion and, and just going for it. I don't really have very much money right now, but I have a lot of credit. And I sort of wonder if I just started going for my dreams, regardless of cost, within reason. And also started up that social purpose business, if I would be able to sort of get to this place where I am able to pay for the things I want to do, because what I mainly want to do is learn and if I travel somewhere, it would be to learn like to go see patch items. That's what interests me the most is just learning. And then also having it created so that some of the profit goes towards the Dream Center. And even if the Dream Center wasn't a building to start, like an actual full out, building, I feel like individual people can be dream centers, they can activate their dream center and become a space to help others activate their dream center. And that would sort of be in alignment with the peer potential project that I talked about. And I don't even remember all that stuff I talked about. But I do need to go back in terms of those projects, as well as just embodying mania. And being in my body and less in my head. And if I'm in my head, do so with other people in terms of conversation and dialogue. So even though I still have quite a bit of stuff written down in terms of the direction I was going before, I feel it's important to put that on hold because I could go that way. infinitely, I think. Now, I feel like it's important to embody all this self dialogue I've had so not just embody my mania, but embody the self dialogue, because so much of what I was talking about, from harvesting mania, and just thinking about the brain and everything. That was all harvested from self dialog, and like I said, most of it I just came up with in the moment. It wasn't actually something I wrote down. So I wrote down something I thought of and then when I was talking about it with myself, thought of something else. And I could do that infinitely. But what I'm saying is, I harvested the mania but I'm also harvesting myself dialog or I need to go back and harvest myself dialog and put the key concepts together for myself in order to create my life as a dreamscape. So maybe the only way to escape mental health is to have one's life as a dreamscape. And sometimes I think of the concept of escape velocity. And I feel like we could have dreamscape velocity, I need to be going at the speed of my dreams or moving towards that dream. And that's what the velocity is, is. It's where it's either going away from one's dreams or going towards one's dreams. And so I think it's important to do that. And that's what I need to be committed to from now on or I'll just end up being committed to the psych ward again. So hopefully, some good stuff comes out of it. I hope to be able to be embodied and to unfold my dream which is really to see other people who have gone through similar things to myself be able to transcend and transform and live the life of their dreams and have their visions that they probably had. And find people who have a similar vision because this Dream Center project isn't going to come together by just me. And I'm lucky that I know that I do have people in my life that would support that. And it's interesting because I could say, Oh, I'm building the Dream Center, because Shane told me to who Shane, I don't know, some homeless man. But I've met once. And that sounds kind of crazy. And it is kind of crazy in a way, but it's something a crazy person would try and do. And I think a person has to be pretty crazy to actually think they can change this world and to attempt to, but I feel like if I don't attempt to change this world, make it better for the next generation. Then I'll probably be attempting to end my life again, at some point. So I feel like I've died several times, I don't really have much to lose. And so some of this embodied stuff is actually gestures to myself gestures to myself that I'm going to remain in this body. So I managed to remain myself. khadar say, How do I remain this body? How do I, how do I walk out life as this body without having it in congruent with what's going on in my brain to the point that I just have to lay down for a couple of days, to be able to be revived? me say one out of five people has a crisis like this, or some kind of challenge. And so I want to help a billion people. And I feel like I need to repay my karmic debt to the universe. So these CPR, I want to work in prevention, preventing people from getting a label. And also people that do have labels preventing them from being re traumatized by the system. And also perhaps getting them to a point where they might be able to heal from their label and actually recover from the system not necessarily recovered from mental illness, because a lot of it is it genic and caused by the very treatments that are there to supposedly help and some of them are helpful some of the time. But some of the time, it's not helpful and makes things worse. And that's the part that is not cool to me. So yeah, I feel part of it, though, is get connected to your altruism right away. If you felt that altruistic sense in you. And you felt so much suffering and pain, it's probably because you were connecting with your altruistic sense. And you're really feeling the situation's that you were seeing, and maybe all the situations related to that situation you were seeing that you never realized that you didn't really see before in the past, so it's not just the pain of that situation, but all the ones that we missed along the way, because we're busy thinking about something else. And so it can be very painful. But I feel if we can get connected to our altruism right away, then that would be in alignment with what the process is trying to connect us with the fact that we're all one consciousness. So when we're seeing with that one consciousness, we see and feel what it is we're seeing, because we have that in our neurology or mirror neurons, in order for us to be able to respond adequately to situations for not blocking it off with our mental mentalization. So anyway, if I'm not able to go out and be altruistic yet, because of sensitivity of vision, acquired highly sensitive person hood, then I might just make small donations to different charities online, or something that I can do that won't hurt my heart too much. I was speaking to a woman who said that in the native culture, a crisis like a hat is actually called a snake bite because it slows us down gets us to reflect on what we've experienced lately. And and we sort of shed a skin and it's interesting because I've talked about brain metamorphosis or brain chrysalis and and yeah
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So I've been having some interesting insights lately. I don't know if they're insights, but I feel like I'm in a slightly superimposed state where I can see many possible futures for myself. And that's happened before. But I feel slowed down in the, if I see a certain possibility, and it's kind of scary, I don't necessarily get scared. And in that way, it seems my brain keeps calculating different possibilities. And then it also goes back into past experiences and past superpositions. And, and ways that it feels like I've quantum jump to different realities. And how the process of so called psychosis is trying to resolve some of those. And I've been in the position of nearly taking my life a couple of times, but not wanting to, and managing to keep my body safe. From that possible future, in which I don't exist. He had a talking about that, I feel like if I go back to certain events in my past, that that's where the split was, there were several futures where I didn't exist. And I sort of had to transport my way out of there, somehow, and go to a different reality where I existed. And I wandered there for a while. And I went to the USA, and then when I came back, I realized I was in a reality where I didn't necessarily exist, even though it seemed like I did to me. I'm on that trajectory, wear itself out and I was close to ending my life. I was diagnosed with a mental illness, to sort of explain away all the weirdness. And I'm wondering to myself, if I almost need the mental illness right now. Because if weird stuff happens, I'll just be told, oh, that was your mental illness and medicated. And it could be the same thing it could be that I understand it's a bit of a different process. But that's not the understanding of society. So I can still go about the process of accepting the treatment. That sort of allows me to read material materialize or reconnect with my body. Because it's almost like consciousness becomes disembodied. And when that happens, it can appear to die and other people's realities. In my reality, it becomes another episode mental illness. Which is sort of like dying several times throughout life. Instead of really being concentrated in one's ego self. When one gets to places beyond the ego self. One might leave the body or could even be that could even be true that for each of us, that When some kind of trajectory of our life ended, we get some sort of medical problem to explain it away. It's really complex. And this is the first time that I feel I've been able to really look at this without immediately acting, and then rushing towards a scary trajectory that puts me into a state of psychosis, where it's too confusing. And then people come and sort of rescue my body medicate me to slow my brain down. So then consciousness doesn't sort of go flying off into another dimension where I might continue to exist, I don't know. But I don't necessarily exist with the people that I care about now. In saying that, I can use the medications to sort of modulate consciousness myself, instead of getting help from the medical system, I have a slight sense that this could get me in trouble, in that, I might feel like I'm handling things like I do. I feel not great, but I feel strong. And I feel like that trajectory of doing it that way, might lead to the story of, Oh, she seemed fine. We never suspected anything. And then I'm found not living. In that reality, at least. And that's the thing, it's more a matter of, I kind of want to stay here with the people that I care about, I don't want to go off into some other dimension. I'm not saying that's necessarily true, but or It feels like, since I no longer necessarily buy into the mental illness trajectory to keep me here in my body. Something else might happen, where maybe there's some kind of accident, my memories erased. And after we learn who the people I love are supposed to go to California, and I feel like stuff has come up from my past that might almost feel like I'm running away from that. To go to California, when I was planning to go already. So I'm wondering if the level of consciousness will be okay to go to California by the time that comes or, or if it'll be like escaping. I also feel like I could get harmed or killed on the way to California or something to bring me back to my family again. And I feel like I'm coming back. It's not like I'm going away forever. I'm just going away for a couple of months. I'll be back. Part of me feels like in order for me to stay with them in the same reality. They have to continue to see me as mentally ill. So things will keep happening to make it seem like a mentally ill. And that could be one of the reasons why usually when I have a so called relapse of psychosis, I'm actually quite engaged in doing a lot of different things involved in a lot of different things. It's like consciousness has expanded to a certain point and it's the roof and then when it hits the roof, it just flies back down to the lowest level again. And I feel like this time the level of consciousness I experienced, perhaps hit the roof in terms of reality, as opposed to just inner stuff. What I've unfolded as my life apparently getting a good position and peer support work. It's sort of the height of sort of recovery, plus career and everything and in the mental illness paradigm. And having created that, in reality, I decided, Okay, it's time to take that apart, because I don't resonate with this paradigm. And maybe I need to resonate with it a little bit in terms of needing some of the services a little bit still. But I just don't want to immerse myself in that paradigm where people are seen that way. Yet I struggle a bit because it's, it's, it causes a lot more suffering by the same time. I don't know, it's, it's confusing. I don't, I don't understand. And this is where sometimes I get stuck is what to do, because I don't know what's right and what's good. So even to say that psychiatry is fully bad is doesn't feel congruent, because in a way, me being labeled with a mental illness has saved me in a way because I feel like otherwise, I could have been dead by now. Because the mental illness thing is the only way people understand how people can exist in a quantum state. It's really strange, I don't know, I'm not sure. I guess part of it is if a person goes into a quantum state, and it's confusing, because it is. And they get afraid, and then they go along that line of fear. They're going to be running away from their self, and then be caught and medicated. So part of it is not being afraid of that state and understanding that it's a death. But life continues. And people that go into those states have to die in a way so others can continue to live. So a person who gets medicated by psychiatry, or they're sort of shut up from all the stuff they can see and might say otherwise. But this allows them to reintegrate back into society and nothing has to change. So it's one thing for scientists for physicists to talk about quantum jumping in quantum states. But it's another thing for a person who has actually jumped through multiple realities and could actually come back and tell the stories of it. And be like, Oh, you're actually dead in a different reality and blah, blah, blah. People will just be like, What are you talking about? I need to get some better cough candies. I also feel there's an alternate reality where I wake up from a coma. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this stuff, because I might mess up the future. Possible collapse with those wave functions? I don't know. Who cares? It seems like I'm doomed and not doomed. Either way. Maybe the less afraid I am of being doomed. The less doomed I am. Seems like the most difficult thing is to stay embodied. No might have said that before. Might need to take up something physical and stop all this mentalization not all of it but might be good to talk to people more But also feels like it's time to move towards the past that I was running away from the past that I escaped from, and why did I escape? I feel confused. But now I feel like when something enters my mind, it makes sense. But it sort of contradicts with something else that enters my mind next. So it's confusing. I feel like life operates based on synchronicity. That sort of quantum, and it's, it's life subprocessor in the process of life. Most of us operate in the realm of thought. There's something going on with the ability for us to communicate with each other. Seems this quantum process wants to communicate. But do others want to see quantum Lee it's almost like the rest of the reality is sort of a machine. In a way, people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are the people who are scapegoats. Because if they share their experience, then it was sort of make reality as we know it fall apart. I was certain to watch a video on YouTube called the mechanics of consciousness or consciousness mechanics. And it was interesting because it actually was talking about the Planck length, and how it's sort of like frames per second, which is something I said the other day. Usually, when I say something, I find the evidence for it later, versus just looking at something and hearing it and believing it in terms of what others are saying. But they were showing this plank, sphere thing. And they were showing how the Planck length is there's a space, that's the smallest space. And I was actually thinking that the space between two photons or whatever they are, is actually the space between the mind and the brain. And I have no idea if that's true. But then I was sort of thinking about how in the space is consciousness, so there's a level of consciousness. And then there's a space, which is the gap, the action potential that the mind has on the brain. And I was thinking about it in terms of how Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself. So depending on one's level of consciousness, the mind unfolds that reality in the brain. So it's not just mind and brain, it's the level of consciousness. And with bipolar, one can go up and down the levels of consciousness quite rapidly. And then that unfolds different realities for that consciousness as opposed to being stable in one level of consciousness, which is perceived as one's ego self. And then, some of that got me thinking about how there's movies about in the future, everyone will be very drone like, and if there are any people that are actually alive, they have to conform and pretend because if they step out a line will be obvious that they're not one of the drones and then they'll turn them into the drone or something. And I almost feel like that now I almost feel like even though I was critical of some of the things Tom Wooten was saying about acting in order in order to appease reality. In a way, I can see the logic of that now because I'm feeling low, though, I know if I go around talking about this lowness people will perceive me as not doing well, and then that'll be projected onto me, and then it'll just funnel me closer to being drugged again. So in order to not Get more drugged, not get more punished for being in different states of consciousness and not appearing as this continuous ego version of me. I have to pretend, in a way it feels like pretending. And maybe there's a way to not feel like it's pretending. I haven't figured that out. Because again, I don't want to remain in this victim mentality. Have you experienced a lot of suffering? Whether it's past karma, collective past collective consciousness, I know that I can take it. And I have because I was talking about before how lately it's been more this physical sensation that I've been having the last month. There's been some thought stuff. But it's not like this extreme physical se anxiety, that turns into this extreme fear thought. And then that leads me to feel like I have to take some kind of action towards that fear. It's more, say constant, so called anxiety, kind of low. But no thought forms associated with it, really. And so now I feel like some of the thought forms are coming out because it's gotten to a place in consciousness where I feel shame. So some of that is coming up. But it's coming up more in terms of, well, how do I want to move forward with this? And I could feel like Oh, the first thing that comes to mind, I'll just go with that. But I'm just waiting for it to really unfold for me. Because if I can't turn it into some kind of good, that is possible that consciousness will decide well, there's no point in going on. And I do want to stay here with my family and my friend feels like it's one thing to share all this stuff about brain growth and and it's another thing to share what makes the brain shrink in fear to the point where some brains do and their own life. And I've experienced that in in so called psychosis, but I've also experienced that in actual life. And I don't want other people that have to experience that. I really don't know. I have no idea. Remember when things first happened, I really didn't know. So I decided to run away and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness. And in a way it's bought me time. Time to build a good life where I feel connected and supported because I didn't feel that then I didn't feel like I had the strength. So maybe I saw that I do I don't know. I don't know
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consciousness, brain, ego, perception, feel, people, bipolar, future, thought, power, world, higher levels, reality, gravity, bird, sensitive, near death experience
This morning, I did some trE, trauma release exercise. And then after I was done, I was laying there. And so I decided or it occurred to me to try to do a backbend, to just lift myself up backwards. And I remember trying, maybe a year ago or something, and I couldn't do it. Whereas I could do it two years ago, when I was in manic consciousness, and I was on the swimmer side as well. When I tried a year ago, I tried to lift myself up, and I couldn't. And so I tried this morning, and I totally could, and I will insert the picture here. So yeah, talk about power poses. Amy Cuddy talks about power poses, I wonder if she studied the back bend. How many people can do one, I couldn't even do one when I was a kid. So it just goes to show that as the ego loses its hold as consciousness is freed up from matter from gravity, from being inflexible, it becomes more flexible, the body becomes more flexible, and it becomes stronger too. Our own thoughts weaken our body. I watched a clip by Neil Hill born. And it's a three minute clip of him using the spoken word, and it's sort of like bipolar poetry, and he's talking about bipolar, different aspects of it. And he talks about how he seen the future, and different things like that. And it's quite good. But really many of the things he said are kind of delusional, if you think about it, he says he's seen the future, What is he talking about, whereas a person that has experienced transconsciousness, bipolar consciousness, that consciousness has seen the future in a way because consciousness is non local, it can kind of go anywhere, when it is freed up from the matter of the brain, from the circuits of the brain from the ego scar tissue. And it was also interesting about he talked about how he sees the future kind of like gravity, where we're all coming together as one. And it's interesting that he talks about gravity, because I've felt some kind of change in gravity in the process. And I feel like there's a change in the center of gravity, there's a change in the center of consciousness. And this is part of this co creative process that's unfolding. And in a way, I feel like, if now is eternity, and we're all here, there's certain number of people at higher states of consciousness. And they exist in a different world, because they're relating and communicating in a different way, they might actually occupy the same physical space, but other people at lower levels of consciousness are never going to come into communication with them, because they don't resonate with that. So in a way, there are different worlds, even though it's the same space time. And our own world is within our consciousness. And our consciousness has to be in that particular level of consciousness in order to interact with those people at that level. So in a way, going into my consciousness and higher levels, one is seeing and interacting at a different level, which seems like a future world, but it's actually a world that's happening now. It's just that our consciousness level isn't at the point where we're unfolding and experiencing that reality as now for us. So it's future for us, but that actual reality is reality for some people. And so then we fall down to prior levels of consciousness. Sometimes, the momentum of the fall, makes us dip into lower levels, ones that we don't necessarily occupy on a daily basis, but it definitely recalibrates us to the fact of the existence of those levels. And it shows us what happens when we exist in those levels of consciousness. And part of our prevailing level of consciousness is actually our family or friends our whole life. So that's why being at higher levels and then coming back down to one's life situation and no longer operating in that higher reality. That other reality if Feels like death. And it also feels awful. And it also feels like a hangover. Coming back to one's regular, monotonous Life is like a hangover. And then a lot of us once we've gone to those other realities in consciousness, same place and time, it's just a different level of consciousness. When we come back to this level of consciousness, this stuff seems pretty meaningless and crappy. And so it's difficult to actually get back into it. So it's difficult for people to recover back into buying into the crap that they used to buy into, because at higher levels of consciousness, that crap is no longer has any value. So since we come back down, we still have that sense that this has no value. But at the same time, we're in a reality that values that, and then is trying to get us to recover back into valuing that which we temporarily transcended. And so it's again, important to design one's life, to end the trance of being stuck in this level of consciousness. And it's also the morphogenetic field of the society that one lives in. Because that level of there's a certain level of consciousness that created this society. And so when we go off into map consciousness, we're no longer participating in the reality that we've created for ourselves, the mechanical habitual one, we feel free, and we feel like we're in this free reality, because our consciousness is free. But then we fall back down into the prevailing level of consciousness, but it's still did something. A change in consciousness is probably one of the only actions because it's a change in consciousness, and one affects the consciousness of the many, because it's all on consciousness. being filtered through us as bodies, we're like filters of consciousness. And our brain filters consciousness through our thoughts. But if we are not blinded by our thoughts, then we actually can see clearly. And when we can see clearly, we learn and when we learn, our consciousness level goes up. If we're seeing the same thing all the time, we're stuck in the same level of consciousness. So I also liked his spoken word thing, because it shows that he has a gift, he has talents, he's using language in a different way. He's using it in a creative way. He's become a bipolar poet. He's not repeating linear past memories. He's, he's putting, he's translating some of his perceptions into transformative communication. And that's part of what we need to learn as transconscious individuals, well, how do we translate what we see into something that is some form of communication, that will allow other people to see the same thing, not necessarily the same thing, but maybe see that they don't see. So if he can stand there for three and a half minutes and spout off brilliant poetry, not just saying a few words and repeating them for three and a half minutes, but actually very creative structures of language. And very intentional and very, he had to see that in order to create that to say. So it was a creative perception that created that. So that creative perception might allow others to see that it's a creative perception. Nevermind, if they can't see exactly what he's saying, never mind, if they can't see the future, they can maybe see that he saw the future. So that maybe makes them see that seeing something else is possible. So there's so many levels to that, and so many layers, and it's just, it's pretty beautiful. So it's wonderful, that he's able to express things that way enabled. In order to show his brain hasn't gotten duller, his brain hasn't gotten more effective. If anything, he sees way too much. If he can see the future, he's seeing too much. And it might only be too much because other people don't see it too. And I was thinking about how when people make small talk about the weather, in a way, it's a way for us to talk showing that we're seeing the same thing the same time. Like Oh, is it rainy today? Yes, yes, it is. Oh, hasn't it been horrible lately? Yes, yes, it has been. So we're seeing the same thing at the same time and in that way, we form a connection. Now can we take That sort of small talk scenario of seeing the same thing at the same time and apply that to higher levels of perception. Like, can somebody see that somebody might be able to see the future. And if we can see that, then we're not necessarily going to label and pathologize that person, because we might say, well, I can't right now. But I can see that others might be able to make sense, I can understand that. So seeing as the only action, the act of perception, if we don't see something, we can't act on it. And perception acts on the brain. And if something doesn't act on our brain, it's not acting on us at all. So in terms of saying things that are out there, because he said he can see the future? Well, I've seen the future to kind of forget, and that's part of seeing the futures is forgetting about it. Because if you're seeing it all the time, well, then it's, it's difficult to operate. And if you see the future, and then you try and make it something to memorize, well, then you're making it into a pattern, and then you're back in ego consciousness. So perception might be in the moment. Now, it might be something seemingly futuristic. It's important to forget all of them. Because soon as you cling to something, there's a stuckness. It's clinging to the ego. The very act of clinging creates the ego. The clinger is what is clung to. So I feel bipolar is actually learning to walk in both worlds, the world of thought, the world of consciousness, filtered through thought, and the world of consciousness, sensitivity of direct perception and action. There's the world that thought creates, which is the prevailing level of consciousness. And then there's the world that consciousness creates through direct perception. If we were to directly perceive now and to infinity, we would all work together like ants and create something different. And that would be sort of the gravity of what he was talking about, pulling us all together as one, to be one we need to be cooperating to be one consciousness, sort of like when the field of consciousness meets the field of gravity, without being warped by thought, without being warped by sound. It's actually this warping, the sound barrier of the ego that makes us feel like we're separate, makes us feel like we're separate things because it's judging things instead of observing things. And thought is a distortion of the past. I feel like map consciousness is actually shedding of the past, it's brain molting, I feel like there actually is a metamorphosis in the brain, a mutation and part of the brain actually molds or it could melt and become more fluid. Because the brain is made out of fat, and it's very fluid. And it could just be a change in fluidity of the brain cell membranes, and the brain cells themselves. And when it is fluid like that, it actually molds. So the ego dyeing process, when it feels like we're dying, we're actually experiencing a re hardening of the brain. And the ego structures are coming back into play and we realize that we're going back into prison. And again, people with mob consciousness or gifted people, we're just getting acquainted with our gifts. As we learn to walk in both worlds. Yesterday, I was feeling tired, and I was feeling tired for a few days. And I figured that maybe if I watch a few hours of TV, it'll give my brain a chance to be in passive mode, and to rest up a little bit. Being in transconsciousness. In sensitive perception, the brain gets tired. And I was thinking about how normal waking consciousness is like being half asleep. Whereas map consciousness is being fully awake. So if I watch TV, that's something that normal consciousness does. And it puts them even more asleep. It's probably like three quarters asleep. But I feel like it put me half asleep, because I was just passively watching this thing in my focal vision. And so it blocks perception and block sensitivity. So that was almost a way for my brain to sleep for a while to get some rest, I in a totally worked. I was watching the show called The Oh a, on a friend's recommendation, and it's interesting because it's about near death experiences. And I feel like if near death experiences replaced by map consciousness, or psychosis, they're talking about almost the same thing. Because a person has a death experience, or they actually die and they come back. And they're saying, they come back with gifts and more personal sort of transconsciousness, they come back with gifts, just like a person with near death experience. They come back and they almost died and take some time to recover. They probably just don't spring up, like, Oh, I'm ready to get back to life tomorrow. So in a way, I feel like map consciousness is also a near death experience. Once one comes out of it, it's just no longer near death experience. And it's it's trying to scramble and destroy the ego structures in order for a person to come back to this world and be different in the world. There's a part in the show where she swallows a bird hole. And then that sort of gives her a power. When she's in this death experience. I thought it was interesting, because the very first time I was in math, consciousness, and I decided to move towards death. Because I handcuff myself somewhere, so I would stay still, because I thought I was going to jump off the balcony. Interestingly enough, I didn't jump. And when I lay down, the first thing I experienced was being a bird flying south. So it's almost like maybe part of me did jump, and became the bird. But since I didn't jump, I became the bird anyway. And I remember actually laying there and all I could feel was that my mouth was like going like this. And I was actually making a tweeting sound. But I don't know if I just heard that in my mind, or if that was coming out of my mouth, but I could feel my mouth moving. So I was this bird flying south and then consciousness, my consciousness went into being a homeless person laying on the side of the street. And then I felt this angel tried to take me but and it felt like this big white light. And it felt so warm and loving. And they tried to take me but I was handcuffed to the balcony. So I remember I was I was feeling like I was being lifted up. But then it pulled even though I was still laying there, but I remember the feeling that sensation and then feeling like darn I have to stay here because I'm handcuffed. And then when my parents when my family came in the morning and found me and they flipped me over I felt like I felt like I was dead but I felt like I was at the scene of a car accident. And I was dying at the scene of a car accident and they had just come to my side and I never opened my eyes that whole time. Except for one time when I looked at my arm and I saw blood all over it. But I just closed my eyes. That was the only time I opened my eyes and and then when I when they finally grabbed me they won the pyramid came, they squash my finger and I winced. And then I knew I was alive. But I was surprised, because when I think about it, now I feel like my consciousness or consciousness left my body for sure. So even though my body was still physically alive, I was kind of technically dead in a way because it was, it was almost like it was trying to leave my body, it did leave my body went to a bird, it went to a homeless person, it went to having risks that were bleeding or something I don't know. And went to being at a scene of a car accident and went all these places. And then it came back to my body. I'm seeing some stuff that I shouldn't really talk about right now. But there's something around indestructibility. So most of us are communicating from our past. mob consciousness gives us access to future communication, which is seeing the new, which is sort of like seeing the future in a way because it's something new. It's bringing the new into the present moment, as opposed to the old, which is the past. So it's a different movement. Just as gravity is a force that pulls us together, I feel like consciousness is a force that pulls us together to our level of consciousness is what pulls whatever into our reality through the resonance of that consciousness. So more and more people resonating at that level is what is going to pull that possible future into the present moment. People are afraid of consciousness, because they're afraid of the power of the human brain. It's very powerful. And I'm wondering, I've read that our ears emit sound. And I wonder if people who go into my consciousness can actually hear this without hearing it, or read that energy as part of being able to read the pattern of somebody. So in that way, it could be one of the ways that we can tell when people are being judgmental and negative and, and it makes us feel kind of sick to our stomach. And the power of the human brain requires sensitivity, which requires ego lessness. And so these powers of the human brain can't be used for personal gain, they can be used for evil, because that which is evil is the ego. And if it's there, you can't be that sensitive, and you can't be that powerful. So it could perhaps be the only way to power is to selflessly want other people to see their power. Which is their power to see. Which has nothing to do with me and my ego. And nothing to do with the other person in their ego. Feel like the heart can actually pick up on the sound coming out of other people's ears, possibly. So the heart beats, and then the pattern of the sound coming out of the person's ear is picked up by the heart when it pings back. This morning, I had to email somebody and I was thinking, Oh, I could just leave them a message. But then I realized, if I left them a message, they would have to write stuff down. So if I email them, they don't have to write stuff down. And then from there, I was imagining what if we lived in a world where we couldn't write stuff down, or we couldn't put stuff in our calendar or we couldn't record things in general. In that world, it would be advantageous to be super perceptive and sensitive in the moment to know how to just act moment. moment, if we couldn't record anything, if we couldn't remember anything beyond our working memory, like the seven bits of information or something, we would really have to be sensitive and know how to read people. And then you might think, Well, you'd have to remember stuff in order to be sensitive to stuff. But it's not necessarily true. Because we would evolve the sensitivity of perception and understanding at the same time. Because if I have to remember this detail, and that detail and that detail, I'm projecting those details onto the moment, and I'm not actually seeing the moment. So that's the very point where the whole projecting memories onto the moment. It's about judging things in order to act in instead of seeing things and acting. If I want to turn on my kettle, I just look at it and press the button. I don't have to judge the kettle in order to understand the kettle. But we project our judgments on to things and then we don't understand it. Because the judgment is from the past. So by clogging ourselves up with memories and programs where we've programmed ourselves out of being in touch with the present moment, we're seeing our past knowledge as the 50%. And so mania isn't attention to the present moment, 100%. And that's why people have a bad memory. I remember actually turning on the kettle and then letting it boil dry, because I forgot about it. Because I was on to the next thing. I actually like to have things in view, I don't like closed cupboards and things like that, because if I can't see it, I'm not going to remember it. Because my brain works more on intention. It sees something and then it knows to do it, instead of thinking about what it needs to do. So this morning, I was getting ready. And then I just looked at my hands, I didn't think I'm going to look at my hands. I just looked at them. And I noticed my nails were long, so I cut them. So when the brain relies on to do lists, and, and plans and everything. It's so busy looking at its plans, its abstractions about life, that it doesn't see life. And so relies on plans. So I stopped making to do lists. Probably about six months ago, I used to have daily to do, I do have some in my calendar on my computer because I need to at least keep track of appointments and things. And I do have tasks that I need to do. But I used to put things on my to do list like cut nails, there's quite a few things that I've been able to just export to perception. Just wait until I see it and notice it and then do it. So when I saw that my nails were long, I could have walked over and put it on a to do list cut nails. But I sort of put it in my mind that I'll cut my nails when I'm straightening my hair. And the way I remembered was actually to move my nail clippers from their storage place to on my sink where I get ready. So that way, I gave myself a visual reminder of what I needed to do. If I want to move that I might have forgot. This might seem trivial. But when we start to use our visual field to remind us instead of abstract words and computers, then we get our brain more tuned to starting to look in to the present moment. But that was like half an hour later. And I didn't forget I did cut my nails. But if I would have forgotten I would have seen it again some other time. So things that we can see. We don't necessarily have to put on to do lists. That's one way to untrain the brain from to do lists is to actually leave some things up to perception to notice physically
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So as official, I think this might now officially be the longest. I've managed to stay out of the psych ward over eight months. Yet at the same time, today, I've been having some signs that I might want to Abort mission, meaning my brain seems to be going into further reaches of its growth that seemed too far outside. Even the context that I'm wanting to create right now. And the other day I talked about, well, maybe I will share some of the weird stuff too. And oddly enough, since I've said that some of the weird stuff has been coming through me. And I might share some of it just to give examples of things that I don't necessarily want to go further along the lines of their thoughts and perceptions that may or may not be true. They might be true in some other context. But if I go into that, then I'm alienating myself too much from the context that I'm creating, which is already beyond how consensus reality would would program us to see things and think about things. So Abort mission would equate to taking Seroquel PRN, when I was showering today, I felt a little bit fearful. And it's not because I was showering. It's just I was fearful. But one of my clues is, if I'm feeling fearful while I'm showering, while I'm kind of cornered, and then it's a clue that I could dissociate and disconnect and go into a terrified state where all I can do is sit there and wait for help. That's happened numerous times. So I don't want to get to that point, because that would likely mean I need to call for help. And then I would be hospitalized. And that's the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm wrapping up some things with working in mental health, and I'm finding it difficult, some writing a few things. And I'm writing from the vantage point I've created for myself through self dialog and not through the vantage point of me and my mental illness. Which, before I never really believed, but I still humor that kind of language. So it's it feels difficult in a way because I feel alone in this context. And then I don't want my brain to start creating context that is just so out there. For example, I had something come to me around the whole Ascended Masters thing, and I don't even think about that. But it was like, Oh, the Ascended Masters can kind of take us over when we get to a certain level of consciousness because we're no longer our ego. So then what are we? Well, maybe we're the Ascended Masters, whatever that means. So, you know, well, that's lovely. But at the same time, I still I still would like to have some semblance of ego self for myself, because if I obviously didn't identify with being some kind of Ascended Master, then I might not even speak as myself and then my family will be confused, and probably scared. And then that's of no value because then I'll likely be pathologized as as as not feeling well or something. So I don't know if so, Some of those things are like these little clues. But then you just walk around and smile and nod at that sort of thing. And it also told me something like, I donated my body to science as in the science that I'm engaged in, in terms of seeing and the science of the heart. So it's almost like at a certain point, I'm no longer me. And some other aspect of consciousness takes me over. And then it's like, well, I've donated my body to science, which can be interpreted in a scary way, like being afraid of death, or it can be interpreted as some other element of consciousness is taking me over. Like I'm being erased, or almost, I'm erasing myself through this context creation. So it could even be the ego fearing that, because the ego fears its own death, but my ego has died several times. And it's always terrifying. But then there's some semblance of it left, when I get medicated back to reality. So if I don't want to totally lose contact with who I was, perhaps I need to take a Seroquel to slow the process down. Like I said, it likely slows down this brain growth it, it creates a state of hypoxia in the brain, and perhaps allows the oxygen to be diverted back to the ego process. Because I feel like when the ego feels like it's dying, it's because those dopamine circuits are being starved of blood and oxygen. So it's not actually dying, but it feels like we're dying, because that's what happens when we die is that that ego thing dies first. So we feel like, Oh, I'm dying. But that can happen during life, because that's the thing that dies, it can die numerous times during life. And each time it does. Part of it is sort of molded from us. It's like the ego is something that we're supposed to mold. Continuously, the old skin and the old thoughts and the old ways in in favor of new perception. So my new perceptual process has gotten a little bit out there, which happens, it does happen. And now I'm wondering, am I able to consciously stop that from happening? Or can I consciously do it through taking medication. Because if I end up in the psych ward, I'm going to get medicated anyway, extra medicated. So these next couple of days, I have to be extra watchful. And I just wanted to talk about it to myself, because this is part of the process. This is part of the learning process. part of the learning process could be learning to prune one's own insights. Because that very first time in manic consciousness, there were tons of them. And a good portion were definitely nonsensical. So right now, I'm in a state of learning where I'm able to speak to myself to process some of it. But I'm getting to a point where some of them are maybe things I want to prune out. Maybe they have some element of truth, 100 years in the future, or for 10,000 years in the past, who knows where it's coming from. So it might just be something that I want to consciously prune and not put any energy into that. Because if I decided to go with that possibility, I'm devote my energy towards that. Assuming that Ascended Master consciousness is going to take over my body. That is going to be very alienating if I actually take that as a belief. So why do we take anything as a belief, there's no real difference of taking that as a belief or taking. I am ugly as a belief, it's the same thing. So again, the importance of not believing anything that I say, or any insights that come to me, they're just ponderings and wonderings, and musings. And that's part of what the brain can Do and to be able to laugh at that, instead of taking seriously could be important. I have no idea I've gotten to this point right now where I'm just like, I don't know, no clue. And that's part of the Abort mission is if I dug myself out through medication, just sort of forgetting most of what I said, and starting back from the ego again, which is the starting point. How do you make the butterfly back into a caterpillar? reverse metamorphosis. I went ice skating yesterday. And I was sort of struck by watching a woman try to skate with one of those little helper things that you hang on to. And she couldn't skate at all. Never skated before, probably. And I've skated for quite a few years, so I can skate quite well. And I was thinking about how she's learning to travel on a new medium, the ice surface with skates on. And now if we saw that person, and we thought they were walking on the ground, we might actually think they were disabled in some way. But really, it's just about learning to walk on a new medium, or learning to skate. Just like in map consciousness is learning to walk with a different consciousness, learning to walk with a different medium in a different medium. And so when one falls flat on their face, we think that they're disabled, which just means they fell, because they're learning to walk in that medium. And a person can get up again, with a smile on their face, and, and try again, or one can get frustrated and give up and never try again. And to me, falling out of that higher consciousness is, like falling, if you're learning to ice skate. It's about how we choose to learn. After that, do we choose to learn with a smile on our face and, and wonder and try and celebrate the small gains that we make? Or do we put up a fuss and give up and being medicated and told that we're disabled for life is the equivalent of somebody else telling us to give up and to stop learning, and to not learn about what it was that we just experienced. And it's one thing to try and learn about it. So if I was learning to ice skate, and I fell on my face, I could go read a book on how to ice skate. Or I could try, keep trying to escape. And I could take lessons with somebody who knows. So I think the universe is trying to teach us something else to walk in a different way to move about space and time in a different way. And just like that woman trying to skate, she doesn't have the neural pathways for that balance. She doesn't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly. On that medium, just like we don't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly in that consciousness. But we have to practice and, and I feel like me, doing this self dialogue is the equivalent of what they talk about with visualization, how they say if somebody's shooting hoops for basketball, or, or just visualizing shooting hoops. When they get together after practicing either in their mind or for real. They both do just as well. So for me talking to myself about all this, I feel like it's the equivalent of shooting hoops in my mind. I'm practicing shooting hoops with the universe. In my mind, I'm talking with myself about a different context than the ego context. If I was just talking about the ego context, I will be talking about my past and I'll be talking about my patterns and I'd be talking about different aspects of personality and things like that. And would only be interesting to a very limited extent. And it's not actually going to grow my brain cells, it's just going to be accessing old memory files that are stored in my brain that are just clogging up my brain that every time I reactivate them, they're just continuing to clog up my brain, it'd be more useful to see that that has no value. Or at least that has very limited value. And might actually be valuable in terms of self dialog to remember some memories from the past in order to stay anchored as this person that I think that I am. Because if I started to think I'm not me, that's just gonna get me in trouble. And they're gonna be life while you have to be you. So we're going to medicate you so you think you're you again. And that might have some kind of validity, I really don't know. So point being. When I've learned enough about my own brain, it's possible that I don't need to go to the psych ward because I can do to myself, what they would do in the psych ward was just just give Seroquel quick release for 10 days. If I'm aware and imagine if all of us could get to this point, we wouldn't need psych wards. I think this is sort of the stage that Tom Wooten talks about when he talks about getting to the freedom stage of bipolar, having bipolar in order and being in the freedom stage where we can really be aware of our states and and modify them if need be, or remain in them and remain in order mainly in order to not alert the public and family that something's up because their interventions are going to be worse than the interventions we can give to ourselves if we're at that phase of awareness. I don't know if that's what his ideas behind it are but not just that but it does prevent a lot of unnecessary suffering of of the person in question as well as family members to see a person in a state and feeling like they're out of control and and needing other Whoa. I just got really dizzy and I've never had that happen before. total head rush man self dialog grows my brain. I don't know if I've grown it too much right now. did take some extra niacin and Thea Nene and glycine just to keep me calm. I have been taking more vitamin C and the one EMP every day so it could be something with the EMP too I guess the main point is to not get freaked out about it. Maybe it was the Ascended Masters One thing I know for sure is I don't like the smell of my pants. I did a load of laundry and I think I put too much in it, and and so it didn't really rinse properly, I don't think. So that might have caused it to smell kind of funny when I dried it. I don't know if that's the case, but I might have to change them before I go out. I could be dizzy too, because I've been eating a bit less food lately, because I haven't been as hungry. This is me trying to find some kind of logical explanation for that, that might have been one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced. After skating yesterday, to my friends, and I were looking at this mural, and it was his carved mural, and it was kind of strange. And then one of them's had can't figure out what that is and the top left corner. And it was this weird looking thing. And I said, it's a rock with a wave crashing on it. It's an ogopogo wearing a costume, I came up with like 10 guesses really quick. And then we kind of laughed it off. And then we're looking at the mural more, and then I looked back. And then I noticed right below this weird blob that we were trying to decipher was a train. And so it was actually the smoke of the train. And I laughed, and I was thinking about how it's funny because if we don't look at the whole picture, we can really wonder what something is about. But then when we look at the whole picture makes sense. have to look at the whole picture. Not just that bits of information. If we don't look at the whole picture of what we're talking about doesn't make any sense. So that could be the thing about consciousness as well as we're talking about stuff, we're not really making sense, because we haven't yet seen the whole picture. And sometimes when we get to the end, where we can see the whole picture we realize we don't want to see at all. And I guess that's what the ego is for us, blocking us from seeing what's really happening. Here's another here's another extrapolation I'd rather not entertain, though it could be entertaining, it could make a good movie, I had the sense that we were here as human beings on planet Earth, as animals as human animals, and then aliens, sent thoughts through the universe to infect our brains. And then through that, we're able to build the society as we have. But really, we're actually building this society and all these structures for the aliens. So then they eventually come here and just kill us all. And they live in everything that we built. Sort of like how some insects do that. They just, they're parasitic. And they, they, they use whatever in order to build something for them. And then they just take it over. Again, good movie script, not something that I want to devote my life to. And it's not just that we play the notes of the saxophone. It's how we play them. So I could say, the world is unconditional love. Or I can say the world is unconditional love. I feel like I'm having a growth spurt into the mind. And the mind is using the brain to create itself. The mind is using the brain to create the mind. So it has to create the brain cells in order for that to happen. So it's brain cell growth. I feel like lithium might provide some kind of capacitance for this because it's positively charged and the energy going through the brain in terms of electricity is electrons are negative charge. And I've read that lithium causes the brain to grow, the gray matter to grow and I had a weird insight about that, that likely the people who are taking lithium, who they study, their brains are already growing. So they study them, and they say it's the lithium. But in my theory, the brain growth process has been initiated by the Universe by consciousness, by natural selection by the universe needing people to actually use the rest of their brains besides their ego, prefrontal cortex. And so their brains already growing. And then they're diagnosed with bipolar or something. And given lithium, then their brains are studied and said, to grow, because lithium made it grow. Now, they might have done some kind of controls to prove that, by maybe other people's brains were growing, as well. But maybe they were on different medication that suppress the brain growth. So I don't really care to look into the studies because that's, that would take too much time. I just sort of thought of reversing what they say, lithium causes the brain to grow. People who get put on lithium, likely had this brain growth process initiated. And that's why they went into my consciousness and then were diagnosed as defective. How can they be defective when their brains are growing, but it's attributed to the lithium? Oh, what a miracle. I don't know about that. Because the truehope product, the EMP, their studies have shown that that their product helps the brain to grow to so maybe again, their products being taken by people who, who their brains are growing, but they did on rats, actually. So it's hard to say with that, maybe their product actually does make the brain grow and lithium. Maybe it does, too, who knows. But it could also be that the brain wants to grow. So if it's given some kind of positive charge mineral, whether it's lithium, or whether it's all the spectrum of minerals and the truehope product, it's going to grow because it needs that, that charge in order to grow those brain cells. And it needs the charge to be distributed through the whole brain. So that stuff probably goes to other areas of the brain, which then can divert electricity there plus negatively charged oxygen, and actually get those brain cells to grow. And I was thinking about how creating lots of new brain cells through the vibration of one's voice talking to oneself. seeing something new, and giving it a voice could almost be a buffer in a way to some of the other stuff. So I've had a few weird thoughts lately. But since I've created so much other context, it's difficult for my brain to go off on that tangent without having the buffer of other brain cells with lots of other contexts. So if I had a few weird thoughts, and I didn't have the context that I've created for myself, I might think, oh, what's my mental illness, oh, and then I get scared. And then that would make it worse. And then the next fearful thought would come in the next and the next and the next. But I've been able to sort of be like, Oh, that's not actually something that I want to go down the path of, just like, I wouldn't want to go down the path of being medicated, or pathologized again. And so the context helps with that again, too, because it doesn't allow my brain to get caught in that story that I've been told about myself. And just like, right now, here, there's a lot of snow on the ground. So what actually stops the sound, it's not so noisy from the traffic because it's buffering that the buffer of all the context of brain cells that I might have created for myself, prevents the noise of other people's stories and interpretations coming in to infect my brain. It's buffered with probably a lot more glial cells. And so I can't get stuck in any other neuronal tracks of thought patterns that society would infect me with. And if I don't have the buffer of all that extra sound cells in my brain of all these other things that I've talked to myself about, if some other thought comes in, it's going to sound a lot louder, because it's like this hollow brain with nothing and if something comes in hangs around, it's like, Whoa, that's so disturbing. Whereas if I have all this other context, it'll just be a slight whisper. And it'll just be like, oh, whatever. So I feel like the brain is trying to grow out of the ego, and is trying to grow out of fear as well. I feel like that could be why people have loud voices in their head. Because it's just one thought coming from somewhere else, apparently, and it's just bouncing around in the brain. And we've never been taught to engage ourselves in really wondering what that's all about. And some people have started to do that. And as they do, and as they develop more and more understanding for themselves about how they choose to understand it, or how other people have helped them to understand it. Those voices aren't as loud. I don't know if that means not as loud in volume, or they're just not taken as seriously. Because there's other understanding and context to hold those painful bits or disturbing bits. It's not like there's never going to be anything disturbing. But it'll be less disturbing if one has really engaged one's own brain around it. And it wants us to pay attention to something other than our ego voice, whether it's a voice as somebody else's voice, or just seeing something and having an insight. It's a different voice than the ego. And it can be just showing us that we're not our ego because if we were, we wouldn't be able to have thoughts and someone else's voice or things like that in our head. The mind is bigger than the brain, the mind is the entire field of what's available, and we can't see all of it. So the mind is helping us to move into seeing more of the mind...
brain, consciousness, anti psychotics, process, labeled, mental illness, heart, sudden, ego, abstracting, blind spot, life, pattern, perceive, glimpse, order, person, bipolar disorder, feel, wondering
extrapolation, brain, anti psychotics, creating, feel, people, happening, antipsychotics, joke, brain cells, wisdom, talking, voice, listening, picture, blind spot, mania, part, meaning, person
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I love tuner 528 hertz, I wonder if we can see 520 hertz, we can see sound if we can see the sound of love. Or if we can see love and speak love through direct perception. No idea. I feel like self dialog is real science. We think science is working for 10 years on one paper that most people can't understand. Whereas if we can speak with ourselves and develop direct perception of things, we don't really need science. There's a different type of science called science as c, e, y, E, and C. It's the science of the eyes of seeing, of seeing clearly and we can also hypothesize, also spelt with a Y e. It's a way of humanizing information within oneself, versus how we try to absorb things mechanically, and turn ourselves into mechanisms through scientific facts. There's the facts, we can see with our own eyes, if we're not blinded by our mechanized thought process. I skimmed through an article by Dr. mercola. And he's talking about the importance of movement. And I talked about this before, he talks about a lot because it's one of his main things as movement. And he says that if we're not moving, there's BDNF in the brain, which is bone, neuro trophic factor or something like that. And if we're moving, there's actually something in the brain. They discovered through rat studies called noggin. So noggin makes the brain cells grow, whereas BNF makes the brain atrophy. So he's saying exercise is actually important for brain growth. And it's interesting, because if we're sedentary, we're going to have more BNF in our body, we're going to grow more bone tissue, because our bones actually start to fuse together when we're not moving. And if we're sitting with our head forward, all day long, and we're not moving, it's going to fuse. So it makes sense that we have this bone generation factor in our blood if we're sedentary. But it's in our blood. So it's also in the blood in our brain. So in that way, being sedentary actually makes our brain atrophy just because we're not moving. So in movement, we're able to produce more brain cells, but I actually feel partly it's due to the fact there's more circulation. So when we're sedentary, there's no circulation, we grow bonds. Whereas if we're moving, we don't need those extra bone supports, because we're fluid, we're dynamic, we're meant to move. And I also extrapolate this to actually how our brain cells move. So if we're thinking the same repetitive thoughts, 60,000 thoughts a day, there might only be 100 thoughts on repeat, we're doing the equivalent of remaining stationary in our mind, because we're stationary within those 100 thoughts. So how I relate this as to when I've talked about how the ego is actually scar tissue, it's actually thoughts, we keep repeating, repeating, repeating and it forms scar tissue. And we have very limited movement in terms of where our brain can go in order to think and see because we're only seeing and thinking along the lines of our repetitive thoughts. So to me, exercise would increase movement, which increases blood flow, which allows the brain to grow. So that's physical exercise. I feel it's just as critical to actually be able to move the brain cells in many different ways. Not just In the 100 thoughts that the brain thinks, those few thoughts that we've used to clog up the ram of our pre frontal cortex, and it's just going over and over, the brain has lost its fluidity, it's become rigid, rigid in its thinking. And it's not even thinking it's just going along the same tracks that it's laid down through conditioning. And we see something, we remember it, we repeat it, repeat it, repeat it, whatever it is that we repeat in our own voice, becomes this habitual thought track, that prevents us from seeing other things, it prevents us from seeing. And so what I'm saying is that seeing perception, seeing something new, is a different movement that grows the brain, it actually provides oxygen to some other area of the brain, because we just saw something. Even Dr. Bruce Lipton says, perception, rights, genetics, so seeing something is going to change something genetically in the brain to to create different brain cells to create different neurons. So we're either moved by our conditioning, through a very limited habit track, and then we think, oh, we need to create a few more habits. Or we don't have those habits of thought. And we can see clearly, everything. And when we can see clearly everything that everything is recreated and mirrored in our brain cells. And when our brain cells are growing, we have energy, we're learning we're engaged. And that is joy, love, beauty, happiness. So the real thing is actually being able to see something new, and see something new to see with new eyes. It's not about doing anything, it's about seeing with new eyes, because I could say, well, I'm going to do this, and this is my plan. These are the seven steps to this habit. And then I do that, and that actually puts blinders on. Or I see the falseness of that process. And just see and perceive in the present moment. If we walk in a distorted way, and we continue to walk that way, for the next 30 years, we're going to be stuck, that way, we're going to be scarred that way, we're going to be distorted that way. Whereas if we move dynamically, and we're always moving infinitely differently, through the full range of motions of our body as a human being within the field of gravity, and understanding that field of gravity that we're in, our bodies are going to continue to be dynamic and fluid, they're not going to fuse. So same thing with thinking the same thoughts all the time, the brain fuses and congeals. And then we are very limited in the way that we can move about in the field of thought, in the field of consciousness, I feel the new game is actually to grow our brain cells to work out our brain cells, and to make that also embodied. So growing our brain cells could include things like seeing something new, it could include getting more oxygen, by being in the forest, for example, seeing nature, which is more beautiful than looking at a screen all the time doing things that get the oxygen to the brain. I feel like ego thoughts actually starve the whole brain of oxygen, it sends it all to the prefrontal cortex, and forms these scar tissues of neurons in their abstracting about the same thing all the time, and just living in those abstractions and not seeing reality. And reality is the whole brain, it's reflected in the whole brain. So we have to see with our whole brain, not just our abstractions about reality, and part of how we make it embodied is by having conversation and communication with other people. And the epigesturetics and the endo mimetics and the epi mimetics and making Weems so making the oxytocin through the inner human dimensions because the oxytocin is what actually we have the love feeling in the brain and then we get it also in the body, whereas dopamine is just in the brain, from what I've read so far. And the oxytocin makes us want to gesture with our body, it makes us want to reach out and continue. It's a different reward. It's a reward of connection as opposed to dopamine. Which is a reward of disconnection. And then we get more and more and more disconnected. And then we walk to a path where we're so scarred by our own thinking process, and we take ourselves to be that, that some of us end our lives. I feel like the ego kills itself when the brain is that starved of oxygen that it can't see anything else, it's not oxygenating, the rest of the brain, it can't see anything else but itself and its obstruction. And, and it goes so far into that, that that's all it can see. And it sees the meaninglessness of it. And then that's the end. If a person can see beauty, they're not going to end their life. If a person can feel love, and these are things to do with oxytocin, and connection, and earthing connecting with the earth, and sunshine also gets the blood flowing, I'm seeing a lot about this whole blood flow thing. Almost like what we see is where the blood flow is directed in the brain. We're only seeing our abstractions, it's, it's to, directed to the prefrontal cortex. And then we say we use 5% of our brain because all of the blood supply is going to this, this abstracting process, this distracting process, it's distracting the blood flow from the rest of the brain. And then no wonder there's all these neuro degenerative diseases now where the brain is basically shriveling up, it's not getting any nutrition. Even the movie, What the Bleep Do we know, which was years ago, said that we become addicted to our emotions in our body. And then we have more receptors for those emotions than we do nutrients. So we're so busy giving the cells those emotions, that that is taking up the capacity to actually absorb the nutrition because there's more receptors for the emotion than the actual molecules of nutrition. And I think the same thing happens in the brain with dopamine, everything's going to that reflex. So the rest of the brain isn't being nourished. The body down regulates everything in favor of this dopamine because the brain is a perceptual apparatus, but we're only perceiving things that are giving the reward of dopamine, and then the rest of the brain, there's no energy going there. And so through this dopamine process, which eventually becomes dopa meaningless, for me, seeing the meaninglessness of it all, sometimes ends itself through destroying the body. The brain has been destroyed. So the body gets destroyed, too. I wrote something down, I wrote down that perception, which is light, and minerals or frequencies of light, leads to movement in the brain, which leads to blood flow, which leads to oxygen, which leads to energy. So perception is what unfolds life. And we don't even see what we're doing to ourselves. So why do we think we can see what the cosmos is doing? And sometimes were released from seeing through that ego me process. And we can kind of see what the cosmos is doing is pretty amazing. And the cosmos is playing with life and we're destroying it. And I think about again, what would have Manik do? What would I do if I had nothing to do? And I was thinking about, at some point, doing an experiment where I go out and I just have nothing to do I just leave the house, and then just go based on intuition for the whole day. Because that's something that a manic would do. Because normally we follow our thought processes and our habits. So if those are the things that are obstructing us in a lot of ways. How can I just go out and just be like a manic person wouldn't just sort of follow one's heart. And the thing with that is, is that we have to actually pay attention. We have to pay attention to our heart We have to pay attention to what we're perceiving. And in a way, this is a way to deprogram our movement, in the field of gravity in space and time has become mechanical based on our program thoughts. And then we don't see anything. So if we go out without habit, we're looking for life. We actually have to respond to life and see that life creates life and that we are alive. And I can use an app to track where I go. Kind of like how those studies, track cats and where they go at night. Let perception move you. That could be a fundamental thing, like perception move you I don't know. And activating this other voice, this voice of intelligence, as opposed to the voice of the ego, which is words turned against us. Being able to utilize words to create the brain to create brain cells, as opposed to create scar tissue in the brain, through repetition. And even though repetition builds muscles, in the field of gravity, repeating thoughts in the field of consciousness, actually, limits neural connections. muscle cells are designed to get stronger, whereas brain cells are designed to get more complex. So if we're repeating, we're actually going against complexity. And gratitude probably increases blood flow to the brain. Right now, the highest quality for watching and recording things is 4k. And I had this thought that right now we're actually playing in C squared, light, the speed of light squared, times mass, or love, as Einstein said, we're playing c squared, which is the holographic process we're playing in the light of the sun meets the light of our eyes, the light of our consciousness, what do we watch? And c squared is more important than having the best 4k TV? What do we create and c squared? How do we arise and c squared? How do we make our brain grow within c squared, I feel like relationship heals in that it brings in another see it brings in another light of consciousness. So it depends how that person is shining, the light of their consciousness will actually change you. If somebody is judging you, you can tell especially in math consciousness, whereas if they're being unconditionally loving, you can also tell and it changes your life. In mania, we often become very graceful, or more fluid, we're more flexible, we're stronger, we move differently. And I feel like it's because that energy in our brain isn't being directed to the prefrontal cortex, it's not being directed to the ego, or when it's not being directed there. All of a sudden, we shift to being this very dynamic and fluid version of ourselves. And it doesn't take time, it's just a matter of shift in awareness. So map consciousness is a shift in awareness, it's a shift in perception. We're not perceiving through that limited energy of the ego structure. And when we are perceiving through that, that is what contracts our body and condenses it and gets us moving as we would as our ego version of ourselves. So it's actually just a matter of energy flow. It's a matter of perception, which changes the flow of energy. So it's a matter of changing how we look. changing how we see with our eyes. And it's just a matter of seeing something new, which doesn't seem that difficult, making a new connection, making a new connection. That's what extrapolation is. So today, when I read that mercola article, I probably only read a few sentences. And when I did, I extrapolated. And so that might be more important than actually sitting and reading the whole long article, and trying to absorb what they're saying. His thinking of something new about what they're saying, and maybe just reading a sentence or two. And not worrying about whether it's right or wrong. Because right or wrong, reward and punishment, that's all dopamine, and that's the thing we're actually trying to decouple from. In mob consciousness. We don't feel that sense of reward and punishment. We just feel like we're learning. And then when we come back to ego consciousness, we feel that sense of reward and punishment, oftentimes amplified. It's almost like How dare you not believe in reward and punishment? Now we're going to punish you. The answer is to question the programming to see the programming and by seeing the programming those are the new eyes. Instead of seeing out As the programming, seeing the programming, seeing that we're not that programming that there's a dimension beyond, we have those degrees of freedom. by labeling us with mental illnesses, our brains are sold to the pharmaceutical industry. We're given the inner subjective experience and map consciousness. So we can feel powerful so we can feel the power of our own brains, our brains are so powerful. It's connecting us with our inner superhero. And it probably only feels like superhero. Because we're not used to being like that we felt like superheroes as kids probably. And then we go back to feeling like superheroes. And it's just a feeling. Maybe the world would be a better place, if more of us felt like that. We didn't feel so disempowered if our brains weren't so fried by the circuitry of repetition. Most things out there are giving us something to strive for. But we don't question the thing we're striving with. we're striving with this brain that's polluted and clogged with all thoughts and programs. I was thinking about gestures, and it's not the gesture, but it's also the perception of the gesture and the meaning of, so if I do a kind gesture, but nobody sees it, it's not going to be perceived and the meanings not going to be equated. Or if I do a gesture that's not culturally appropriate. Some other culture sees that as a bad gesture, then there's also a miscommunication there. So map consciousness is trying to get us to produce new gestures. And it could just be the gesture of being dynamic and being not programmed, non programmed gestures, as opposed to program gestures, and creating new gestures, which is epigesturetics. Because no amount of arranging thoughts in our head is going to solve the world problems, we actually have to act. And it's actually getting us to act and act dynamically. And in my consciousness, the light of our awareness can be directed anywhere, instead of being directed to our dopamine circuits. And when that light can be directed anywhere we can see, and that consciousness causes voice reversal. Instead of speaking from this internal voice, we're speaking from our perceptions, we're speaking from what we see, we speak from what we see instead of what we may. We don't know how to turn off autopilot. So one thing would be to notice when we are on autopilot, and when we noticed, we're on autopilot, we're no longer on autopilot. And map is trying to use atrophied areas of the brain. So if I was immobilized for 20 years, it would take me a long time to learn how to walk and get those muscles built again, with blood flow. And ego consciousness is the same, it's like in mobilizing most of our brain. So in a way, my consciousness is actually learning how to walk, learning how to walk in a different world, instead of a world of our own thoughts. And we need to actually move differently physically in order to walk in that world to can't move in habitual ways. So sometimes in map consciousness, we fall over, and it's like laying down again. But we can still get up and try again and practice. And this isn't a practice in terms of building a habit as a practice of not practicing. Practice of not being on autopilot of not being a habit. Being a habit would be like I'm going to make the habit of always saying donkeys are gray and horses around every time I meet up with somebody. So if somebody came up to me say, Hey, how are you doing? donkeys are gray horses are brown. We would never try to mechanize what we say to people, so why do we try to mechanize anything else in life? This perception is a different movement. It moves the brain differently. It moves us differently when we can actually see. Perception causes movement...
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programmed, consciousness, programming, brain, reality, created, oxytocin, gesture, feel, channeled, obsolete, computer, dialog, lower levels, thinking, state, glitch, technology, altruistic, appointment
brain, autopilot, extrapolating, mania, creating, consciousness, front, ted talk, hands, thinking, download, brain cells, drained, watch, absorbing, thought, grow, software, devoted, screen
mania, consciousness, superhero, feel, altruistic, actualize, story, desire, reality, fly, capable, life, map, dopamine, programming, brain, altruism, motive, happening, experiment
Today I had an appointment with a lady who does this hair analysis which gives epi genetic information. And I went there and I was there at 10. And I thought my appointment was at 10. But it was at 1030. And I called her assistant and said my name, he didn't even have me on the computer. And then he said, Oh, it's double booked. But he still didn't say it was me that was double booked. So it was just really confusing. I don't know what he actually saw on his screen. And then I ended up leaving because I live close by so I wanted to make sure the other person got to see her. Because I've seen her before for other things. She's really, really good. And she said, she'd give me a bit of a deal. I have an appointment next Wednesday now. But it just felt like glitch in technology scenario. Sometimes when I get to certain places and consciousness, or when certain levels of consciousness are filtering through me. Technology stops working properly. I've had instances where I text somebody as me. But then that text turns into a text from somebody else on the other end, and I say something and they're like, Did you just text me blah, blah, blah, because it said, blah, blah, blah, from blah, blah, blah, long story short, it was just really confusing. And I was like, whoa, I'm just in that place where, where technology doesn't work. And actually, now that I think about it, I think it's the domain of the brain starting to work as a quantum computer, because there's more possibilities existing at the same time, there's overlapping realities. And, and I feel like I go into that state to sort of resolve some of the overlapping realities that are possible, including maybe preventing people from dying. In my reality, it makes it makes weird, it doesn't, doesn't make any sense. I know what I'm trying to say. But it's being in a state of being identified with consciousness, not with the body. And so the consciousness is rearranging things, and rearranging bodies, because consciousness is filtered through bodies. So I think I did talk before about how it's a quantum computation state. And so it's confusing because there are multiple realities overlapping simultaneously. And it's odd, because when one gets to that state, where multiple realities are overlapping simultaneously, and they're perhaps able to be in higher states of consciousness, and choose a different path, reality collapses, the wavefunction around the person being mentally ill, as opposed to maybe collapsing around them being a shaman, or a mystic or so many other things that happen in other cultures, or even possibilities within our culture if we start to see it, and frame it in a different way. And the thing is that as individuals get to those higher states of consciousness, and have to go back down, if they were able to stay up, all of reality would have to level up and then lower levels of consciousness would be edited out. And that means people get edited out. And with this glitch, today, I sort of realized that there could be two realities, like in one reality, he put me in the computer, and in the one he's in now, he didn't put me in the computer, and he doesn't even remember me. So I remember that, but I think people when they're in the level of programming, can actually forget those things. So the confusion exists in the one that remembers the two overlapping realities. And the person that doesn't remember is like, What are you talking about? You're just crazy. So seeing things, from a higher perspective, is confusing. And sometimes I have to be like, Okay, well, that was kind of a glitch in the matrix for me. for them. It just was like, why I don't think I put that in there. Not in your names, not even in the computer on my side yet I saw it in the computer on the lady side, who I was going to see is symbolic and part of it is material. And part of it is communication. So at a different level of consciousness is actually hard to communicate with those at lower levels of consciousness because they're distracted. They're who knows doing 10 things at once, and then you try to say something and you think they actually get what you're saying, and they don't. So it's difficult for different levels of consciousness to communicate with each other. It's really, it's really strange. I actually have a sense that the programs and the habits are actually like computer programs, words and thoughts are like computer programs, and they take us over those mind viruses and, and through the process of map consciousness, psychosis mania, we're actually being decoupled from that computer programming. And we're actually getting into a state where we're trying to relearn how to be humans, and not rely on that programming, because everybody's relying on that programming. And then some of us go into a place where we're starting to practice not being attached to that programming. But then we eventually get captured and put into a different kind of programming for us to never again, explore, not acting based on our past programming. And I feel like once we start to act, in the moment, not based on our past programming, we're fully alive as human beings. Otherwise, we're just alive as a biological phenomenon. But we're not actually living life. We're being lived by the programming, we're just hosts to this programming. I actually feel like, like technology is more fundamental than biology and, and technology created biology. And it's a matter of biology trying to be reborn out of the technology. Anyways, I haven't really fully figured that out yet. And it might be one of those things I don't want to figure out. Because I sort of realized, I'm totally alone. I'm totally responsible. I think this is what we get connected with, when we feel like oh, I have to save the world. And I have to do all this stuff, is because we're actually alone in our alive vnus is everyone sort of, in their computer mind, everyone is sort of like a computer with a screensaver up. There's some processing going on in the background, but it's not really weak. I'm sure I'll go into that more later. There's something about this consciousness, quantum computation and level of consciousness being funneled through biology. And right now, it's being converted into thought, which is controlling us through habits and programs. It's not being channeled into creating life, it's not being channeled into being creative. And so I did, quit my job, and I have two weeks to go. So I will have to do some more work in these next two weeks. So I might not have much time to talk to myself. But I feel I need to talk to myself at least half an hour a day. And then it takes half an hour to edit that. So that's an hour a day. Whereas if I make an hour and a half of staff, that's three hours. And that might be a little too much right now. But I just want to remind myself that it's good to at least talk to myself somewhat, especially because these two weeks will be pretty intense in terms of thinking about the mental health system, which is a lower level of consciousness that I want to be a channel of. And for California, I'm thinking of making a medical ID tag bracelet, and you can type in stuff online, of what you want it to say. And so I typed in some stuff that's sort of like a spoof medical ID. And I'll insert the picture here. What do you Should I do that? Do you think anyone will understand what that means? I won't do it that way, that wouldn't be good. But I do want to write something on it that is a little bit out there, but not too out there. Because the purpose is still for me to get help. If I need it, if I go too far into the quantum domain and get afraid, because I'm there all by myself, then computer people will come and rescue me and Medicaid me back into this reality. And that's fine. I was thinking about a symbol for transconscious neuro tribe. And so I created a sticker with this website, because I looked up rainbow brain, because the autism neuro tribe has a rainbow infinity symbol as their symbol for their neuro tribe. And so I was thinking, Well, what about a brain that's a rainbow color. So I found that, and then it was a website that you can create stickers. So I created a sticker, and it has a brain that is rainbow. And then it's in the shape of a heart, around the brain. So the rainbow brain, and then the heart and the background is black. And then I put in this writing overtop of the brain transconscious altruists, and I don't know if that's a good name. I'm sure there could be infinite names to describe it. But basically, in his talking about how consciousness can be trans one can identify as one's ego self, or one can identify as the self or consciousness itself or the whole, or, or oneness or whatever the heck you want to call it. And I like the altruist part, because part of that, I feel is that it's a state where we get in connection with altruism, because we see we're all one. So it's not, oh, I need to be altruistic. It's that's how we are innately when we see that we are one. And altruism is his selfless service. And that itself acknowledges that we don't have a self, we don't have an ego. It's a necessary construct is part of programming. And maybe we need it, in order to operate in the programming of society, we need to be aware of those programs in order to somewhat operate. And actually that could be part of the struggle of autism is that the brain can be programmed in that way with language with word viruses. So it's difficult for them to operate in society, which is just based on programs on on all these constructs that we've been given, and they have difficulty with them. And I think that that's part of the evolution of consciousness is to not be able to be programmed in that way, whether it's through the transconscious process later in life, or whether it's by being born on the autism spectrum. And it seems like consciousness is starting to edit out the programming sounds like it's saying, okay, we don't need these programs anymore. We needed them in order to create these structures. But now, now it's become too much, we have to actually put the humanity back in all of these structures that we've created. It was great to be able to build it all. But now we need that humanity. And Temple Grandin wrote a book called the unwritten rules of society, because she saw all these rules that she could see, but they're not written. And I don't think they're written because they're programmed into us. But she couldn't be programmed with them. So she had to actually observe what these rules were of society to live by. So in the same way, what I'm saying is a transconscious, a transconscious person can still appear to operate as if they have an ego, the solid ego, and maybe they do have some to a certain extent, but it's not really solid. It's more convenience to actually interact with the programming of society. And then one, and then when one isn't and society when doesn't need to be actually Believing in those programs, I'm wondering if the light body version of a person is their non programmed version. And that's always there as the original trajectory, and then the programming rights over that. And that can be eliminated in an instant. And I remember how I looked at this woman at 711. And she turned into her flamboyant version of herself. And then I looked away and look back. And she was back to that old sort of tired out worn out person version of herself. So it's actually there. We're all living has that beautiful version of ourselves, it's just a matter of actually getting in alignment with that, which can happen in an instant, doesn't take time. And there's nothing we can do to get there. Because it's already here. We actually just have to see the programming really and negate the programming. Like that's just programming. Goodbye. And I feel consciousness is transitioning the brain. It's transitioning the brain out of that habitual programmed mode into more degrees of freedom of gesture and movement. And that is what it is to really be alive. Not to be programmed. Perhaps some of these are means for a new neural tribe. They're Weems they're not means. Means are about a separate me. And there is no separate me from life. There's we I feel manic consciousness is partly powerful words, powerful means powerful whims from powerful observation. Wonder if first we have to be altruistic towards ourselves. save ourselves first, sort of like an aeroplane, you're instructed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others? Well, perhaps in transconsciousness, we have to put on our oxytocin mask, before helping others the inner human dimensions, that compassion that love can't be programmed. And maybe it's the only thing that can erase the programming. I was thinking about how that woman I know visited me in the sidewalk in April. And after her visit, my level of consciousness shifted upwards quite significantly. It could have been the accumulation of people visiting to we're trying to transfer everything else besides the inner human dimensions that can't be programmed to the machines. So it's really important that as we create more technology and export these mechanical aspects of humanity to the machines, that we're equally able to reconnect with our inner human dimensions, the things that can't be programmed, and it's probably a complete reciprocal or inverse relationship that has to happen. articulation creates neurons articulating context, we have to learn how to not exist as habits. Which just means we have to learn because if we're learning, we're not being habitual map consciousness is brain puberty. It goes from the me circuits of the prefrontal cortex, and dopamine to the we circuits of the whole brain and oxytocin in the body. Which gets us actually realizing that we have a body. I'm going to talk about this before, but Amy Cuddy talks about the power poses, and how standing a certain way for a few minutes can make us feel better. While imagine always being altruistic, and always acting and oneness and always being kind, those are actions, those are gestures, and those are gonna make us feel good too. And I think self dialog might make us feel better to the gesture of self dialog could be an act of compassion, and self love. Giving the brain a chance to talk to itself in a different way than we're used to. We have these repetitive thoughts happening, and we don't actually activate a process, a conversation with ourselves a dialogue with ourselves. And we're looking for our own brain. We're looking for our brain to be active and to be growing and to be neuroplastic. And the process of self dialogue helps with this. And that's actually what we're trying to activate by all of our seeking, when we could just sit here and talk to ourselves, and then find when our brain actually turns back on properly, that now we're more engaged in each moment of the day, and there's nothing to seek because each moment is here with us when it arrives. And that's all there is. And this process of self dialog is making psychiatry obsolete for myself. Because I remember being in the psych ward and wanting to make that paternalistic psychiatry obsolete. It's, it can be helpful to have medication and things at times. But to be paternalist like that is not helpful. It's very detrimental. It's the opposite of unconditional love. So this process of self dialog, perhaps is helping me make it obsolete within my own neurology. And I'm finding when I have conversations, that what I say feels more powerful and empowering, as it's more in alignment with what I've been talking to myself about, which is how I would choose to think about things or the context I've created for myself to be able to uphold that. I make oxytocin through my own gestures, which is relational. And I grow brain cells with my words, which are vibrational and self dialog, which is conversational. So I become my own pharmacist in my own pharmacy inwardly
I was playing with my DNA tangler thingamajiggy. And I realized that a good chunk of the human brain is devoted to the hand, we have lots of sensation our fingertips and, and so much of the brain is devoted to that. And at the same time, so much of society has been created by the human hand, we wouldn't be able to actually create this without our hands. So even if we had a thought of something, even if we were the same, but didn't have these hands, we wouldn't actually be able to build anything that we thought about. So thought, is strongly tied to the human hand, in a way, or it could be that we have so many thoughts, because we're not actually using our hands. creatively, we're only using them habitually. And then I was wondering if playing with this, which stimulates the hands while talking about stuff and thinking about stuff, and self dialogue would actually help to grow the brain. In a way, extrapolating and learning in this way, plus, doing this might be a type of brain cross training, because the brain cells devoted to the hands are being activated at the same time as the brain cells that are growing through new thoughts. New means, epi, mimetics and domotics. So in a way to, it could possibly get those ideas into motion through the hands at some point in the future, because at least the hands have been firing at the same time as these insights, I have no idea if that's true. But I just remembered that a lot of the human brain is the human hand. And in a way, everything has been created by the human hand. So in a way that the brain is the human hand, and what it's created. But it also can create through just thinking and thoughts. And it's no wonder that we feel good when we're using our hands, because then we're not thinking so much because we're using our hands. So using the hands be very important. And when that doctor talks about how touch actually stimulates circulation in the other person due to this electron thing that happens? Well, if we think about how a lot of the human brain is devoted to the hand, we're actually really touching someone with our brain, a lot of our brain when we're touching them with our hand. And then how does gesturing with the hands and a wave, change the hand neurons in the brain. So if we're always just holding our heads like this, for the rest of our lives, we're going to get stuck like that stuck like that in our brain, too. Whereas if we're using our hands in a lot of different ways to wave, shake, hands, hug whatever else, then that's going to help our brain neuro plastically as well. I watched a TED talk by and Herman Nettie. And she was talking about how the brain turns things into auto pilot wiring. And I was thinking about how it's, it's good to turn certain things into autopilot, like, like driving or different skills like that, but interacting with life interacting with other human beings. We don't want to turn that into autopilot. We don't want to turn those into efficiencies, because that is like, assuming we're interacting with a machine. And imagine if we could turn being super loving and kind into autopilot. So right now through our brain programs, we've turned separateness and division into autopilot, but what if we acted and responded to life? With love, that requires not being on autopilot at all. But our auto pilots have us stuck in habits that prevent us from connecting in those ways. And she says the trouble with autopilot is that when things change, we get caught off guard. And that's kind of a silly statement in a way because things are always changing. And then when we finally notice something changed, we're caught off guard. So noticing that something change could actually be a good thing, it could be a clue that we got out of autopilot for a moment. And she gave the example of trying to learn to use the other hand, and how that can be draining. Because those circuits haven't really been activated as much in the brain. What's the same with map consciousness, we're trying to activate different circuits and their higher energy circuits and that it can be draining after a while being in that state of consciousness. So we do come back to ego consciousness to have a consciousness. And we need to rest before we can move into that space again, into that space of infinite change which life is infinite changes. Just because we're caught in habits, we don't notice we don't see it. It's all there. It's all changing, we can change which bits of information we make salient. And the only way to do that is by not being caught in habit at all. The brain is trying to learn how to use the altruism and love and compassion pathways. And it can be frustrating in this world that's not designed to mirror those pathways back to the brain. autopilot is our personal view. It's our personality. When we're not learning, she talked about how we have 7.4 hours of screen time a day or three months out of the year of screen time. And another TED Talk said we have 11 hours a day of screen time. Either way, I was thinking about how the screen can be utilized to grow the brain in a creative learning mode, or it can be used in order to put the brain in passive mode. So when the brain is in passive mode, it's off, it's pretty much sleeping. So for me, I'm using my screen for self dialogue, and then to edit the dialogue as well. And I also use this screen to type up some of the things that I want to talk about. And so in that way, I'm using it as an extension of my brain to grow my brain. I'm not using it that much for passive things. I don't really watch any TV except maybe once every month or two I'll sit down and like spend a day watching movies on netflix. But other than that, not really. So even if I watch a TED Talk, I'm I'm actively engaged. I'm thinking of what I see from what they're saying. And thinking outside what they're saying, not just absorbing what they're saying, an example of autopilot would be since I got my bad day, now autopilot gets me to pull the little lever to spray my butt, as opposed to reaching for the toilet paper. Now, that is something that is good to have, as a reflex as a choice of what I do. I don't want to actually do that in terms of things relating to humanity and the heart. If I don't talk about my TED Talk extrapolations right away, I sort of lose the flavor of what it was that I was extrapolating slightly at least so then I watched a TED talk by Anthony chain. And he was saying, if we had a notification on our computer screen, saying a new version of the software is available for download. We would download it or if we didn't, eventually the computer isn't working as well. So the software download is in order to keep everything running smoothly. And I actually think mania and map consciousness is a software download at downloads the new software of the map of reality to move towards oneness and love and mania in a way. And when we've downloaded all that we can download, and then we come back down to the level of society. And then we have that download in order to have it as software to inform our lives moving forward. And that goes with harvest Germania harvest that software download that we were given and just as Weight Training is to grow muscle mania is neuroplastic training to change the brain to see things in a different way. We grow more brain cells and have more contacts so we can actually carry the universe. So we can actually move that world into manifestation. And he talked about accepting the terms and conditions of the download and how nobody reads that. And in a way, going into manic consciousness is accepting the terms and conditions of the download, but not reading the rules. And so we download it. And then we come back to this reality. And we didn't read the rules. But in a way, we can go back and we can harvest and we can understand some of the rules that we experienced in that other state of consciousness. So in a way, harvest practice and body is figuring out the terms and conditions that we were reading when we were in that state. But since we're back from that state, we don't have the terms and conditions anymore. So we have to actually move towards creating those terms and conditions within our neurology. And I think that was one of the terms and conditions of the download is, I will be responsible for moving towards this, in actuality, it probably says I promise to act this way and embody this even when the energy wears off. And I understand that it's my job to co create heaven on earth, even if other people can't see it or feel it. It's not just about watching lots of TV and creating heaven in the brain cells of the prefrontal cortex and being passively lulled into a waking sleep. And he said, make the conscious choice to deal with what's right in front of you. And this was just a quick statement he made, it wasn't something he was emphasizing. But my brain thought to itself, that's all we can really deal with is what's right in front of us. But we're so busy abstracting in our brains, and we put that in front of us, and it's not real. So we can't actually deal with that we can only deal with what is right in front of us. And then I was starting to think about things like what's right in front of us is what creates our life and creates our brain, for example, a TV right in front of me, versus going for a walk in nature and having that in front of me, that is going to change my brain. And even what's underneath us, we could have the dirt of the earth on our feet, or we could be sitting on a couch. So what is in front of us and what is underneath us is partly what creates our brain in the physical world, but we're so busy lost in our own mental world that we're not, we don't even really see what's really in front of us. But that's the only thing we can actually deal with is like what is right in front of us. But we can go on a path towards unfolding what we would like to be in front of us. But we can only do that by actually changing what's in front of us. We can't do that by rearranging thoughts in our brain. And by rearranging thoughts in our brain, we think we're doing something, but we're not. And I also thought of it in terms of aging. So we always have a phone in front of us and then we're hunching forward and forward and forward. And eventually, we're stooped over and our vertebrae fuse because we're, that's what it does in order to prevent our head from falling between our feet. And that is going to age us. Or as they say, now sitting is the leading cause of death. So that's what's underneath us as a coach and what's in front of us as a TV that is going to partly determine our longevity. And again, it's how we're orienting ourselves in the field of gravity. And even with things like say smoking cigarettes. Why is the cigarette right in front of me? Why is this? Alcohol right in front of me day after day? If it's not in front of us, it can't affect us. Watching too much of the news like why are we putting that in front of us? Why are we putting that in our awareness? Why are we putting that in our perceptual field So mania tries to change what's in front of us. We can't sit still, we can't do the same thing. Everything is interesting. We're like a kid in a candy store. We're like one of those moths that can't look away from the light. We're interested in everything. And we're just going everywhere. And by changing what's in front of us, we're changing our brains. And we're seeing ourselves a new and feeling ourselves a new, it's spontaneous, it's random. It's synchronistic. It's intelligent. Why does that energy want us to put different things in front of us, it wants us to see different things, wants us to experience different things, we've created our life by what we put in front of us. mania changes are programmed habitual way of being of going in circles, both physically and mentally, to being on a pathless. path, a path with no path. It's a path of just perceiving moment to moment and seeing what that unfolds. And after the download is complete, sometimes we need to restart. And I watched a TED talk by Scott le. And I made a note of wondering how do we create with time? Because they say, how do you use your time? How do you spend your time? How do you create your time, how do you create with time, is right now we're spending time we're not creating with time. And in a way, it's by what we put in front of us, even what we put in front of us, in our perceptual field, to our mind screen. Say jealousy, perhaps that's how we're creating with our time, we're creating jealousy with our time. We're creating hate with our time or creating anger with our time. That puts things into a different perspective than just saying, I am angry. I'm creating time with anger, and each one of us has the same amount of time in a day. And people that are creating that time as anger, are putting that into the field of space time that we all share. And that in itself is that level of consciousness and it's additive in that level of consciousness. I feel mapped consciousness is course, correction software. It changes how we approach what's in front of us. And that's a good question, how do we approach what's right in front of us? I feel that mob consciousness is intelligence trying to come online. And so an experience of mania would be exercising, intelligence. And I thought of how a way to measure screen time is that if a person utilizes the screen and is able to extrapolate something, their own insights, not just recall what the person said, but see some kind of connection or some kind of higher thought from that thought, then it's not necessarily wasted time, it's actually time. Time that has created something else. It's time that creates something new in our neurology or within our brain, as opposed to passively absorbing what was already said, somebody already created that sentence and said it. Now if we can create a new thought or word or sentence from what it is that we absorb, and we can extrapolate from that, then time has just actually been amplified in a way because it's amplified in our brain, we saw something new. And when we see something new, that's mirrored in our brains. And I feel like that is what could warp space time is when we see something new. And that changes our brain. But if we're just seeing and absorbing, and not actually extrapolating, not critically thinking or lateral thinking, then we're just actually we're not All unconsciously are being used, we're being drained, we're not being creative. So if a person says, Well, I'm going to watch two hours less TV a day, and the TV that I do watch, I'm going to extrapolate, then it could actually be a vehicle to higher consciousness and, and brain cell growth as opposed to not because the thing with technology is we can access a lot more information. And, and I was watching some TED talks that talk about how we don't actually change ourselves based on TED talks or anything. And I think part of it is that we're not extrapolating, we're just smiling and nodding. Because we've gotten to this place where we think learning is just listening, when it's really actually seeing the beyond of what's being said. But we have been trained out of seeing the beyond, and every now and then we see the beyond, we're like, wow, I'm such a genius. Well, genius is being able to do that all the time. And I think the brain gets fatigued because we're not extrapolating, I could probably do this all day long. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't lose energy. But when we're just passively absorbing, we're being drained. Whereas when we're making new connections, we're getting blood flow to our brain extra blood flow. And that's going to give the brain energy. There's a difference between thinking with what somebody is saying, and just listening. He also had a quote that said, when it gets right, you have to make it fall. I would say sometimes it falls on its own. And that wasn't his quote. But I was thinking about how if a fruit falls from a tree, when it's ripe, someone can either pick it up right away and eat it. Or it might actually grow a whole new tree might actually grow a whole new world, which is the tree. And I was thinking about how when the brain gets to that high point in mania, and then it falls, it's almost like it's this ripened fruit. And it can either get eaten, or it can grow a new tree. I feel like our brains are seeds, their seeds of consciousness. So when we get to that ripeness point, and then we fall back down. Now, we're not just the fruit, we're the whole tree. What I'm trying to say is, even as human beings on this earth, we think when we reach adulthood, that that's our peak. That adulthood that we reach could just be a seed for a different level of humanity that we don't even understand yet. Because it's interesting, we get to that high point and then we fall just like a fruit was seeds. And so I think when we fall back to this reality, we're seeds for that other reality. We have to move towards it. We're the seed we have that whole tree, the whole blueprint of the tree within us and we can grow that tree. Right now. What happens is that the pharmaceutical company just comes along and eats our fruit and our seats never get planted.
I watched a TED talk by Tom accessor. And he started with a Gandhi quote saying, the difference between what we're doing, and what we're capable of doing, would solve most of the world's problems. And of course, I extrapolate everything to map consciousness to transconsciousness. And mania shows us the difference between what we're doing in our life and what we're capable of doing, or how we're capable of being as a human being. And it shows us how we're capable of seeing how we're capable of seeing the world, what attitude we're capable of having, what perspectives we're capable of taking. And this was the guy that was talking about how TED Talks, don't do anything to change people, really. And I actually feel like mania is an experience of embodying all the TED Talks, without even having to think about it. So all that amazing research people are doing about all these different potential realities that human beings possess. One goes into that state and is living that way in daily life, and not as some super sports athlete that they had to work hard to be for 10 years in order to perfect the sport, but just automatically without trying to do anything, like an act of grace. And then being that way in daily life in one's daily actions without having to have any particular thing, no motivation, no desire for anything in particular, not trying to do anything. And by not trying to do anything, one can do anything. Because by not forcing oneself into a single line of action, or being or programming, one has access to the way by which one can deprogram oneself by just being intensely there in the present moment. And what does that even mean? It just means seeing, seeing the present moment, as the present moment, from the perspective of the present moment, as it arises, whatever arises as that it's, it's sort of like what Krishna Murty calls choiceless awareness, because one is not choosing anything, when it's just very aware, if one has a motive, if one has made a choice about something, that means one cannot be aware of the rest of the field of reality. So by not choosing, by not having a motive by not having a desire. Everything is there. As it is because we don't need to desire in order for all to be there here right now. mania shows us what we're capable of. It gives us a map of what we're capable of. And I remember how well I was able to rollerblade in that state. So I think, Oh, am I supposed to do more of that? I think normal people need to listen to us, and dance with us and follow our lead. Because we can lead people out of the programming. It's not a matter of listening to TED talks in order to get more programming. It's not the answer. It's to see that we are programmed. Because when we can see, not only can we see everything, we can also see the programming. We're blinded by dopamine, we compare everything to that reflex, we compare everything to the dopamine program. Is this good? Is this bad? Will this give me pleasure as part of my desire, and that in itself is dopamine. We don't need desire when we can see clearly because what we desire is to see clearly we desire seeing but desire prevents seeing. He gave an example of how there was this fish that fishermen used to throw as waste. And then they changed the name of the fish from Patagonian toothfish to Chile and sea bass. And when they changed it to Chile and sea bass. It was then marketable for sale. It was quite a scary looking fish. So to make it desirable, they changed the name So thinking, in terms of so called bipolar disorder, if I call it transconscious, altruism, that would be something that maybe even normal people would want, they might desire to be a visionary. And people do desire to be a visionary. And that's a visionary state. So we've given it the wrong name. And then from that, it precipitates everything else. That's why I made my little stickers of transconscious altruist and I even put the writing in a font that makes it really hard to read. So people either have to really try to read it, or they're not going to get it, they're going to actually have to see. And part of that is how I define myself is going to have an impact on my life on how my life unfolds, because he was saying, he was saying, we are who we think we are, are the stories we have of ourselves. So that's why I feel it's so detrimental for one to hold a story of lifelong mental illness in their hearts and minds. He said, how I define myself will change the way I live. And we can only evolve our stories we have about ourselves. So for me part of self dialogue is evolving the story that I have about myself, and I don't even tell myself stories about myself, but this will do it in my brain cells, neurologically, it'll change the way I see things, because I'll have those brain cells. So when something comes up, I will see it in a different context, I will see it in a different light. And he talked about how in life we make predictions, our mind makes predictions about things and we act based on our predictions. Well, mania is just like predictions amplified. So the mind already works in a predictive way. And then in mania, it gets to a point where maybe it predicts to the point where it's supposedly hallucinating or delusional or, or prophetic. And then we think, Whoa, what's happening? Well, it's just a natural process in the brain turned on to a higher power. He said, who we think we are is why we do what we do. And that's true in terms of how now I don't feel I can work in the mental health system, because that's not who I am. And I feel the story that we tell about ourselves to who we think we are, is part of how we can design a different game. In reality. mania shows us there is a different game, in reality, it's the game of love and compassion. And he talked about something really interesting. He talked about there was an experiment done, where people in virtual reality could decide to fly or not fly. And the people who decided to fly, were way more likely to help other people in the real world. Think about that. Now, in mania, most people feel like a superhero at some point. Or they feel like they're here to save the world. And all these things, they feel these altruistic feelings. Some people feel like they can fly, or they might be able to fly. And this experiment shows that just allowing somebody to fly in virtual reality, meaning, a gesture, a posture, an action that is equated to a superhero, is going to make them more likely to come and help other people in reality. What is mania doing, it's doing the same thing. But it's doing it for weeks or months at a time. And a person is actually feeling like they are a superhero. So when they come back to reality, part of the point is to go and be a superhero. Even though one has come back from that virtual actuality feeling of being a superhero, actually, it's giving us that feeling. It's giving us that posture, it's giving us that gesture of feeling like a superhero, so we can feel how freakin good it is. So we come back to this reality. And we actually act that way. And the people in the experiment didn't know that was what they were testing for. So it was just those feelings inside because they didn't fly for real. Just the feelings inside that inspire them to embody the role of superhero in real life. And they had no clue. So giving people that experience in virtual reality. made them more altruistic. Now, consciousness, the universe can do the exact same thing in virtual actuality of mania, map consciousness. And then people come back. And that's why I feel it's really important to connect people with their altruism right away, because they were just in the state of feeling like they're a freakin superhero. And then they come back. And instead of saying, Don't worry, you're a superhero. you're down and out right now, you'll get re energized, and we're going to get you back on the path of helping the world. No, there's that you're defective, you're diseased, you're, you're wrong. It's just crap. So again, map consciousness isn't a problem, it's a solution, I feel part of that. experiment is that people feel powerful. If they feel like they flew, they feel powerful. And that probably activates these really high levels in the brain because they're able to do things that they didn't think they could do. And that's partly what map consciousness does. Even if a person doesn't try to fly or think they can fly. they're experiencing all these other things that they're capable of doing and increasing their power. If two minutes of opposed standing with your hands on your hips, is going to make you feel powerful. Try two months in a state where you feel you can accomplish anything that's going to make a person feel powerful, but that power runs out, we can still get back to us, it's imprinted in our brain. Look what happened to people with experience flying in virtual reality, they didn't actually fly. And then they are more altruistic. mania and psychosis is trying to do the exact same thing. All the things we're trying to do in experiments in science, consciousness can do. We are that consciousness. So anything we try to do is mirrored within consciousness. Map consciousness allows us to actualize our potential. So then we can come back and move towards actualizing our potential but not just for our personal selves, because a lot of us are out there in regular life actualizing our potential just for our own selves. And this state requires an altruistic brain. The missing piece, probably to a lot of these TED Talk things and actually being able to live that way, is altruism. Because all those high capacities of humanity are not personal. They're not for personal gain, and personal gain motive. Desire. prevents it from being actualized. So trying to do it for a reason, like money, or fame, or all these things, is going to prevent it from happening. And you know, some people do get money and fame and all that, and then they get to the top and realize it's not all it was cut out to be because they're alone. And the thing with math consciousness is we actualize yourself internally, subjectively. And then we come back here to do that, in reality, just like the people who flew in virtual reality, that was inner subjective, didn't actually happen, wasn't manifested, but then they come back to reality, and they act in those other ways. The act of flying, made them feel like Superheroes In Real Life. And I feel that's partly why it's important to tell oneself one's amazing stories of all the things one actualize within consciousness subjectively, and partly objectively in life through the experiences of map consciousness, is it's an equivalent of doing a power pose, it's, it's going back to that place where it's like, oh, yeah, I was able to be that way. And to remember how when was in that state, and to eliminate those things that impede that from happening on a daily basis. So it's very important to change the story. And that's why I've told myself a lot of stories. And I've told myself a lot of different things in order to write over the story of just thinking that my brain is defective. It's altruist consciousness. It's oxytocin consciousness. We need to be altruists and not have motives that are separate from life. And he said, we become the stories we tell ourselves and that's why it's important not to tell oneself the story of pathology. It's just a story.
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brain, mania, gestures, oxytocin, consciousness, dopamine, create, reality, neuroplasticity, people, brain cells, feel, talked, terms, thinking, process, body, ted talks, rewire, extrapolating
Have an extrapolating like crazy this morning. And I like to call it extrapolating as opposed to lateral thinking or creative thinking, because I feel extrapolating has more to do with seeing something clearly, than actually just thinking. Because thinking is usually combining words or combining old thoughts, or recombining our old programming, or I feel like thinking is generally programming. So it's more about seeing that as programming and getting that process to stop, then actually trying to think creatively within and with that programming, which is near impossible. I sent in my resignation email this morning, and I haven't checked my email yet to see the response. But since then, my brain has been super extrapolating, maybe it feels a little bit freed from that decision. And I feel it's more that I've talked myself out of that paradigm. I don't believe that at all, especially with the things that I've been watching and extrapolating from the last few days, with the neuroplasticity. And I talked a long time ago, before I started watching TED talks about something about neuroplasticity related to the process. But after watching those talks and realizing, even if there is some kind of damage, it can actually be fixed. So to say other brains permanently damaged and needs drugs is just, it's going to be old news yesterday. I've talked to my brain cells out of thinking that they're mentally ill. They're needing rewiring, and I'm talking them into being rewired in the ways that they were trying to rewire through the map consciousness transconscious process. And the universe is trying to help us design a better self more in alignment with the universal principles of how we are as human beings, those inward human dimensions, it all comes back to these inner human dimensions and gestures and action. Because we're actually not gesturing like we're designed to as human beings. We're not gesturing in our socially bonding ways. And then we feel separate, and then we feel desire, and then we, it just cascades from there, because we're not actually acting in reality. Because as children, were told to sit down and sit in this chair and passively learn, so we feel like life is passive process. More on that later, I feel that society and our education system actually stunts the brain's growth. It gets it abstracting about reality, instead of acting in reality. And when we start thinking that life is a bunch of abstractions, we try to create better and better abstractions, as opposed to just living life in the present moment. And those abstractions, and that pleasure is tied into dopamine, because whatever happens, we're judging it as we've been programmed to judge it, there could be a million bits of information, but we pick the bit, that gives us the dopamine out of that bit, which is an abstraction which is programmed from the past. So we're just reacting to the past, reacting to the past, and just reacting to dopamine. And I looked today, I was curious, and I was thinking, what is the structure of dopamine. And it's this really small, little molecule. And it actually is only I believe, I didn't fully read, but it looks like it's only produced in the brain. And it's recycled in the brain. So just like thoughts are circular and recycled. And they're just abstractions, they're not anything to do with reality. Same with dopamine is just in the brain, in the brain in the brain. And, interestingly enough, I looked up oxytocin, and is this super complex molecule and it's secreted from part of the brain called the posterior pituitary, and it goes to the body. So I thought, it's really interesting because oxytocin actually connects our brain to our body. It's not the only thing. But it actually goes into the body. And in creates all these epigenetic changes, and of genetic expression for bonding, which requires responding to gestures which requires being perceptive in the moment, which requires interacting with other people, all these connection things so by connecting to other people, we feel connected to our body and we feel like we're in our body acting in our body. So again, this over dopamine dominance is just of us living in our own heads, and then letting our body go on automatic pilot and not feeling connected to our body and not feeling that connected to other people. And it's literally making us shrivel up. In terms of our brain, we think we're okay because we're still growing in terms of our physical body. But you know, we've taken care of that through our pretty much automatic eating of food. And so I thought of, don't put the light of your attention on things that are going to shrivel up your brain, which is your own habitual thoughts. For one, TV, we don't think about what we're putting our attention on in terms of this is going to shrivel my brain up, it's pretty hard to know that our brain is shriveling up, because we can't see our brains. We're really worried about having a six pack of ABS yet, we're not worried about having our brain as a six pack. And I feel we need to support people's expanded perceptions. Because expanded perceptions give life meaning sometimes. So it's not about the particular perception, it's about that a person is experiencing meaning. That's not the correctness of the perceptions, it's that somebody is in a meaning making process that they're seeing other meaning that they're seeing. What's important is seeing, seeing something new, seeing something new, makes the brain grow. And seeing something new, is different than the repetition of the old stuff happening in the dopamine circuit. So it makes sense that as the newest seen, the dopamine circuits start to atrophy. When we think about it, words and sounds create brain cells. Because we have these words and stuff, repeating in our prefrontal cortex. And that's creating those neural networks. Well, if we have different words and different insights coming in, those are going to create different brain cells. So actually think it's those sounds. And it's actually the sound of seeing. I mentioned before that when our brain is clear, we can see. And then that produces sound, it produces a different thing we're going to give voice to, and it will produce different impressions in our brains that may come as very subtle sounds in terms of something we might want to say or maybe want to write down. And I definitely think mania is a universal thinking big process that's initiated to grow the brain in different ways. Turn on other circuits, I actually feel it's kind of the awakening of intelligence, a different form of intelligence. That's not the intelligence of the programmed ego. And we're sort of farmers, we're farmers of our own brain cells. And the seeds we plant are not just the words that we tell ourselves. But how we see. And if we're telling ourselves certain words, that's what we're seeing. That's not. So we don't actually question how we're seeing, which is the space before thoughts arise? The way our brains work right now, we're like camels were just regurgitating and chewing up the same old stuff every day. I also wonder if the physical body is a chrysalis to something else, after we die. Or it could even be I have the sense that we're actually not really fully in our bodies, like we're not embodied. We're more like bio robots. And so when we go through our consciousness, it's a chrysalis phase, actually bringing us back to being in connection with our body. And that's one of the reasons why it's a bit scary is because our consciousness or awareness, or our minds are somewhere else completely. And they have been for a very long time. And as our mind sort of journeys back to our body, it becomes pretty scary. It's almost like a birth into actually being inhabiting the body. And, and when one gets back, when one's consciousness actually reconnects with the body, it's like a rebirth and it's, it becomes debilitating for a time because one has to again, learn how to exist in this world. We're not using our brains to see we're using our brains to remember To remember our desires to remember thoughts to remember pleasures. And by doing that we're seeking for that out in the environment. And what we're actually seeking is ourselves and how we see, we're seeking a change in the way we see we're seeking a change in perspective. When we're not thinking about ourselves, in that way, we can actually see the universe and it talks to us, not through actually a voice per se, but we can read reality, just like we can read somebody's body language, we can take that a step further and actually read nature. It's not that difficult. And I was, I was watching a TED talk, and the guy was talking about how our brains get fatigued through the day. So we're out a long day of lectures, the last lecture will be difficult to absorb. Well, with manic consciousness, one can read all of reality. And eventually one does get tired. So it does fizzle out. And one does run out of whatever juice is required to be in that state. And then after a rest, one can go back into that, it's just a different bio rhythm, just like we have to go to sleep every day to be able to use our brains, the next day, mania might last a month, and then we have to not be in mania for a number of months. And then we can go back into it. I feel map consciousness is part of the becoming immune to the dopamine programs of society. Those are all for separation. So it's almost like an immunization against that. And I talked about herd immunity, being deaf to those voices, and memes of society that would program us into separation. I watched a video about the new Amazon store in Seattle, or something and how, when you go in, just by your gestures, and things you don't even have, you just scan your phone. So they know you're in the store, just by your gestures, and maybe sensors on the products and things they know what you've taken. And that's what allows you to pay when you think about that algorithm, and the algorithms involved in that, and the implications of that, if we as human beings can create that kind of program, to which people can go in a store and just grab stuff off the shelf, and the store knows what you what you took is that is it that much of a stretch to imagine that the universe can record and compute our gestures and what we take and what we're doing. And just as people take stuff from the store, now that items missing from the store, and then they paid for it, it moved that item. And that person paid well, there's some kind of algorithm in reality as well, in terms of our gestures. And and what that does. So when somebody takes something off the shelf in the Amazon store and walks out, it takes money out of their bank account, or off their credit card. Now, if we give a wave or a smile, it actually puts money as in maybe oxytocin in our bank account, and it puts it in the bank account of the social fabric. So it's the same kind of thing with how they're using gestures and movement in order to calculate when you owe money, while the universe can do that, too, in terms of that's how we interact with each other to either steal each other's energy or, or create connection and build the energy of humanity. And so when I saw that I was just, I wasn't surprised, actually, that they were able to create that. But it's in alignment with epigesturetics. And I even felt like one could create an app that's connected to the eye watch or something that can tell what your gestures are. Like it has a sensor, you can tell when you wave it can tell when you smile. And those are some of the metrics of of life that might actually be worth measuring is how many times did you laugh today? How many times did you smile? How many times did you wave? How many times did you touch somebody else. It's more about measuring things that produce oxytocin. And in the same way, it could measure things that people are doing that are not so nice, like using a snarky tone and And they could almost calculate it and then start to calculate who is where in the ranks of the world in terms of kindness. And people would start acting kind pretty quickly, when that was actually what was measured as valuable, as, as necessary. As part of what holds us all together as humanity. I feel like my of consciousness mania is inner medicine of the body. And it kicks in to erase some of the psychology and some of the, the ego scar tissue, and rewire the brain. It does this with the molecules that it creates likely oxytocin and other things, and DMT, probably. And then it also, by doing that gets us to behave differently. And those gestures and behaviors, further, rewire our brain by actually rewiring it in our peripheral nervous system as well. And I wrote that, and then today in the TED talks that I watched, they said some things that blew me away, and they weren't talking about it. In the context of map consciousness and mania and transconsciousness. They're just talking about it in general. And so many things that they talked about in terms of neuroplasticity, and, and being your best self. And all these things they talk about are things that are naturally initiated in the process of mania. And everyone else is trying to do these things consciously, from the level of their ego thought and thinking when the mania process makes that subservient to something else. And so many of the aspects of it, are these things that we know we're capable of, because they talk about them in TED Talks. But we're not really capable of them unless we go into this state of mania, which we have no control over. So all this control, control control, to try to get this to this state of non control or something else takes over. And there's all these wonderful intellectual people studying all these things, about neuroplasticity, and human performance. And then there's another group of them, studying how this neuro plastic accelerated learning human growth process of mania is a pathology. So since my brain cells have realized this stuff, these last few days, I really, really, really feel extra checked out of the mental illness paradigm, because all this stuff that I was talking about, in terms of it being a brain growth, or transformation, and blah, blah, blah, is actually scientifically validated. It just hasn't had all that context that has scientifically been created superimposed upon the process of mania, because it's just seen as some aberrant, undesirable pathology. Whereas if it was properly supported, then maybe a person would be able to not have such extreme Fallout, everybody wants to change. And then this big change process comes into some people's lives. And that change is called illness. It's something different, for sure, but I don't think it's illness. And just as somebody who has a spinal injury can learn to walk again, somebody who goes through my consciousness and, and comes back from that process, a shell of themselves, can learn to walk not just in this world, but in that new world, they were also walking in and creating as they walk there, in their neurology, they can walk there again to not just recovering to walk in this world that needs to change and needs a different type of human being acting in a different way. So to me mania is part of the solution is just being looked at the wrong way and by the wrong people. The brain is supposed to be a liquid crystal, not a solidified massive scar tissue of neurons, probably all congealed together, because there's just such a small reality tunnel that we're experiencing. Our brain is this huge map. It's this huge labyrinth. And we're stuck at the mercy of a few neurons that have been hyperstimulated. And the structure of society and education and works very hard to program us. And it's not going to let us deprogram that easily. And that's what happens with map consciousness. We get deprogrammed and then they give us another program that were just defective, being programmed as being defective. And I thought of how, if we stayed in mania If, for some reason a person was able To stay in manic consciousness for the rest of their life, they would never believe they're defective. Ever. It's only because we come back down and then we're in this weak state. Because we've run out of battery, we've run out of juice. That state can only last so long as it is right now in society because just like a person can only lift weights for a certain period of time, they can't do it indefinitely, then they have to rest and then they can go back to it again. So because we're out of battery, and confronted by professionals, with their fancy, expensive education's that they've been brainwashed into believing we believe them. Our brains are neuro plastic. And that experience in consciousness show shows us that how amazing and powerful the brain is. We're afraid of the power of our own brains. We want to remain in these little weeny habits of safety and comfort. I want to talk about the TED Talks because I extrapolated some juicy nutrients for the brain. Some mind expanding stuff from the mind expanding stuff that they were saying
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consciousness, thoughts, people, feel, brain, higher levels, reality, prefrontal cortex, medication, process, joy, ego, thinking, happening, state, perceiving, abstractions, creating, neuroplasticity, sensory substitution
people, consciousness, brain, neuroplasticity, mania, thinking, psilocybin, perceptual apparatus, state, oxytocin, map, meaning, psychosis, memorize, memory, die, perceptions, part, ill, life
consciousness, brain, mental illness, learning, grow, embody, neuro plastic, process, order, bipolar, mania, destroying, emoting, thoughts, defective, decouple, prefrontal cortex, meaning, ego, wasting
I'm on an email list for a guy who calls himself Rama. And yesterday, I got an email from him. And it was interesting because he was talking about the brain being a magnet. And he was talking about joy and how joy attracts more joy with the magnetism of it all. And he's sort of saying that being joyful, creates this magnetic wave of joy, which changes the atomic structure of the world. And I don't know if that's true or not. But it's interesting, because consciousness works in some way. If I'm at a, at a higher level of consciousness, that's going to change the reality I experience, and that will slightly change the reality other people experience as well. If everyone was all of a sudden, at a higher level of consciousness, we would experience a different reality. And so it seems like there are different realities present, it's just a matter of our level of consciousness. And that's what we tap into. And I think with bipolar, we go into these high levels of consciousness and experience these other realities that are there, but they're just not the dominant reality. And that's why I feel like it's a calibration for us to see other maps and ways of, of getting there. And then he even talks about focusing on our hair in order to increase this magnetism. And he says, focusing on the top of your head increases your brain's magnetic power. And it makes all of your thoughts more potent. And I like what he's saying. At the same time, I feel like, if the mind is clear, if the brain is clear, then one doesn't have to think thoughts. There's perception. And then that sort of gives understanding, which can be a joyful process in itself. So we don't actually have to consciously think joyful thoughts. It would be more about clearing the mind of all thought. But at the same time, thinking joyful thoughts is still a lot better. Then thinking, sad thoughts, for sure. And he says, you have to imprint and encode your version of reality into existence. And that's an alignment with the blueprint that I think that we're given in our brain, when we go into manic consciousness, we get the blueprint of the reality of the higher levels of consciousness. And then it's up to us to, to harvest that and to move towards it. And we don't have to do that. But it's an option. And it's could be a fun game, it could be a fun way to use our suppose ID freewill. Because in those highest levels of consciousness, we realize it's all one and we don't really have freewill. And sometimes that can get us into trouble. So we come back here where we have apparent freewill. And then we can still harvest and practice and embody that which we know will unfold those higher levels of consciousness not just within ourselves, but within other people as well. And I think that's the whole gesture thing. Because I had this insight today that one of the ways to have joy be one's predominant state is to help create that in other people. So I think the brain needs to be wired for these higher levels of consciousness. It already is wired for that it's just a matter of actually negating the wiring that is not inspiring. And I feel like medication is is chemical castration of this transformation process that keeps those lower circuits glued together. And that could be helpful. Just like Dr. Daniel Fisher said, these medications will buy you some time. But it's not going to stop the process indefinitely. And so I think it's important to get in alignment with the process. And when I say that I feel like part of the process is interacting in these ways with other people, not just with oneself, like I'm doing right now, even though I'm not fully in those higher states, I'm sort of in this state of reason and logic and, and creating my own epi logic of things. I'm sort of having a dialogue with myself about the context, the map that I experienced before, and I'm in the state of harvesting, or maybe harnessing in that and creating the neural networks through dialogue about what it is that I experienced. And more accurately, it's what was experienced when I wasn't an eye when there was no ego. And I also realized, it's not about focusing on mental health, we get stuck in focusing on the psychology and we don't really see that the whole psychology is the problem. And that a lot of thoughts in psychology that we're having trouble with disappear at the higher levels of consciousness. So it would be more about how to be in the state of love and joy. I was thinking about natural alternatives and things like that, and how, over the years, I've done a lot of research on natural alternatives for health and things. And I was thinking about how perhaps I need all of that, because I don't have a natural alternative lifestyle. modern lifestyle isn't really a natural one. And I'm wondering if there's a way to have a lifestyle that is more in alignment, so then, maybe one doesn't need fake sunlight, and one doesn't need so many of these natural alternatives that one can just get naturally. And I was once given a tip to lay with my feet up by someone when I had all those physical health problems. And I'm thinking now that that tip was probably to get the blood going back to the brain. So I might try and do that more to now I feel like it's more about the brain than anything else. The last few days, I haven't had any anxiety really, I have a little bit today, because probably going to give my resignation today for my job. So I took two EMP instead of just one. And I feel like the statement, I don't know, is one of the most powerful statements because it opens up space in the brain. Even with everything I talk about myself, I really have no idea what I'm talking about. And I forget everything, near nearly everything. And I also was thinking about how Joy oxygenates the brain. So I feel like the higher levels of consciousness are what actually oxygenate the brain, or vice versa. And it's it's something together, that happens. It's almost like as consciousness goes up, more brains can potentially get oxygenated in that way. And then they go up to joy, but then a lot of them fall back down to the lower levels of consciousness. And I feel like one of the reasons why that happens is so then we're calibrated. In some of the lower levels of consciousness, we really see what we're doing to each other with our thoughts, feelings and actions. And it's really scary. And I don't think it's meant to be something to get stuck in. It's meant for us to see what we're doing and the dangers of thought and thinking compared to being in those higher states of love. And people that have gone through that process. They have the map within them and might be able to help people get up to that level of consciousness. Consciousness observes itself, and how it responds to itself. And I feel it's intelligent to act to preserve the physical body but it's not intelligent to act to preserve the psychology and that's what we're doing when we're met. Locating people back to their ego structure, or not helping people transcend that structure. And we're all living in abstraction. And we derive pleasure from our abstractions because there's no joy in our actions. And our interactions with each other are more like inter abstractions. And states of consciousness are what we all share we have, we all have access to any state of consciousness. And that level of consciousness is what determines what is unfolding in that moment. So in that way, we're each the same. I read this article online, somebody's writing about Carrie Fisher's dog, and how she used it as a coping tool. And how she was brave, because she carried the dog and then had to explain the dog, which means you had to explain her mental health condition. I'm thinking she's brave and dead at 60. And it just angers me, because then I was looking again at that article online about how people die 14 to 32 years early if they have a mental health condition. And it says they often die of heart attacks, strokes and things like that. And they are saying, well, it's probably to the different conditions of their life. Because they often have lower socio economic status and things. Well, Carrie Fisher probably had all the best of life. And she died at 60. And they say in that study, like, Oh, we really don't know what causes it. Could it not be a side effect of medication? They don't ever say that it could be like that. Why do people get diabetes? Why do people diabetes usually happens to people pretty quickly? Once they're on medication? It's not something that happens 30 years later, it's like, well, how did that happen? So I don't know just kind of piss me off. If she dies at 60, What luck to the rest of us have? I feel my question, what would ematic do, will help to grow the brain in the ways of the blueprint, because it sort of gets my mind going in the direction of the blueprint I was given. And the blueprint felt like heaven on earth. And I feel it will help to grow the brain cells back in that direction. And, and the next part of the process is being out in the relational mind with other people. Because me talking with myself is more developing my embodied mind. And Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the embodied mind and the relational mind. And I think it'll help with a relational mind thing, because I'm relating with myself. And then when I relate with other people will be more strengthened in my neurology, I feel like higher consciousness is a higher energy state. So it's almost like that energy has more electrons wherever it is, and however it is. And that's also what contributes to more oxygenation of the brain to go into those higher states of consciousness. And it's about seeing clearly. And map consciousness, we can see really clearly so we can make new maps, because we're not polluted by our old compass of thoughts. And so part of getting to higher levels of consciousness is just negating that which we think and believe to be true. And maybe just replacing it with I have no idea. Back to the UC Berkeley TED talk on neuroplasticity, he was talking about how deaf people can actually hear what they see in that the auditory cortex lights up when they're looking at somebody talking. So that part actually overlaps with the whole process of their communication as well. And I feel like when we become deaf to our prefrontal cortex noise, the visual cortex for us likely becomes the same as speech because normally we have the speech noise in our prefrontal cortex. So in terms of this sensory substitution, or this neuroplasticity that might happen in map consciousness, is that speech actually goes to the visual because the old droning on voice is quiet. So then what we See actually creates what we say and what we think. So I think there's a change in the brain processing in that way, when we speak what we see. And so psychosis, in a way could be sensory substitution, where the words are changing from the prefrontal cortex, abstracting to the visual cortex. And we say what we see. And that could be one of the reasons why some of the things that we say, don't make any sense, because we're actually seeing more of reality than the regular person can, we can see clearly, we're reading between the lines, we're learning how to read what we see in reality instead of our own abstractions getting in the way. And so this process takes some time to actually mature and develop. So after a while, we no longer think that when a crow flies overhead, that means that that God is angry or something like that, we can start to actually read reality and have this shift in perception, the way we perceive happen, I think medication helps prevent that switch from happening. So we then again, are perceiving based on our own ego abstractions, instead of perceiving from this other way of seeing. So I think psychosis is actually a switch in the way we see. And even Dr. Abraham Hoffer said that mental illness is a perceptual problem. And he says that in his movie, masks of madness, and even saying that I don't actually think it's a perceptual problem, I think it's a perceptual solution. But it's very troublesome to be able to perceive that clearly. And read between the lines of reality in a reality that is traumatic and scary and based on competition and isolation and separateness and, and all these things that aren't actually innately part of how we are as human beings. And this switch in perception gets us perceiving more so with how we are innately as human beings to walk around in reality that isn't designed that way, is painful. Because we don't just see words, we actually see the feelings we see with our whole being, not just seeing with our eyes, we're seeing everything. I like watching talks right now on the brain and neuroplasticity, because because the spectrum that I've experienced is what they're talking about, even though they're talking about it in relation to something else. The brain is the brain consciousness is consciousness. I think what's actually happening is that consciousness gets stuck in thought. And it actually identifies with thought, as opposed to the level of consciousness that is, I don't know if it's creating the thought, but or if the thought is creating the level of consciousness, so by negating thinking, level of consciousness goes up. And it's negating one's own personal thoughts and opinions and, and, and the value that one attributes to that. I feel like thought is the electricity, the negative charge going to the prefrontal cortex, when it's supposed to be sort of flowing through us as consciousness comes through us, it gets funneled into thoughts in the prefrontal cortex so that all that energy gets wasted in the prefrontal cortex as opposed to just having a flow. And then we're actually perceiving in the moment what's happening. Instead of perceiving our own abstractions about the past, I had an insight about the diabetes example that is often given about how people have to take their medications forever, just like diabetes. Well, actually, a lot of people manage their diabetes with just diet and lifestyle changes, and they don't take any medications. They have to have a very particular diet, very particular exercise and lifestyle, and they can manage it. Most people don't want to put the effort into that. So they have to take medication, which is fine. That's People's Choice. And I feel it's the same with me with bipolar. I can manage without medication. I haven't yet done that. But I feel I can. I might have to have a different lifestyle and diet and nutrition and things and it might take a lot more effort but If that's something I want to do, I should be able to do it. What I'm saying is if a person wants to get to the point of not having to take any medication, it takes work and it takes really learning about oneself. Another reason why I don't really want to work in the mental health field is because I feel like a lot of the research I've done over the last couple of years regarding mental health is silly in a way because that's acknowledging psychology and thoughts, which I feel are meant to be negated as Krishna Murty would say. So me being concerned about my mental state. And my is actually just reaffirming the me, which is the mental state, which is the the trouble in the first place, is being over, concerned with oneself. And it's interesting how in mania, one is completely fearless and not concerned with oneself at all, really. And then, as the process ends, and it's generally fearful. One is, again, afraid for oneself, one's fearful. And not that that's bad, it's necessary in the process of coming back. Because the me the ego itself is fear. So it makes sense that we would feel that fear pretty intensely. And that's interpreted as somebody's personal mental illness, when really they were detached from the personal and more existing in the universal. And then when one comes back down to the level of thought the level of society, then one needs that ego process again. And it's, it's scary. But that whole process doesn't mean it's a process to be feared, or prevented from happening again, I feel like if it's understood, it's easier to go through. And that's why I'm talking to myself to create my own understanding, to either prevent it from happening, perhaps, or, if it does happen to be less fearful of it. So mania is just consciousness, freed from thought, from personal ego thinking, there's a different level of thinking, which is from perception, which is a creative process. So it's almost like going from the ego, which is destructive to this creative process. And then we come back to this ego process, which is destructive. And one feels very loving and joyful, and the other feels fearful, and is giving the contrast to us, like how do we want to live in fear, or in this other state. And we can create this other state, by gesturing it into our brain into our nerve cells. In order for that, to maybe be more able to handle that level of consciousness filtering through our system. And also, it's almost like strength training to be able to maintain that level of consciousness to actually have it changed in us epigenetically. And we can actually exercise that we can do gestures, we can work out our nervous system and our our epigenetics and our, our chemistry in order to be able to uphold that level of consciousness. Because right now, we don't have that internal biology in order to withhold it. And then we're medicated into trying to never experience that again. And I don't think it's actually good to try to experience that state, I think it's good to exercise the body in such a way that one can hold that consciousness in the body without actually feeling manic, just it might even just feel normal. And that's the thing, once we get adapted, it feels normal. That state felt like this other worldly, spiritual, amazing, crazy, magical thing, because we haven't existed that way since childhood. And then we can act in different ways. So when that when we're actually in that level of consciousness, we've, we've earned it. We've practiced it in our body because we're so used to practicing our own ego and our own fear that that's why we stay in those states. I actually feel it's important to practice this because there could be a huge wave of this energy Coming this consciousness and a lot more of us could go into the states at the same time. And all of a sudden, the world could be on like this insanely crazy place. And if we practice these higher states and these levels in our neurology, then when that high energy comes, we'll be able to maintain it and stay there. And everyone else that falls into everything else will probably, it will probably be hell on earth for a lot of people. So this wave could actually be a clue of things to come. And then everyone else is trying to stop the people who are going through this from happening when they should be actually learning how to start to practice these states in their own neurology. So when that energy comes, they're going to be able to handle it, because the very people who are pathologizing us, could be the next to be pathologized
I watched a talk. And I think it was at this exponential medicine conference or something. And the guy, I don't know his name, he was talking about psilocybin mushrooms, and how they're doing studies that it really helps people if they're terminally ill at the end of their life to deal with the anxiety, of dying. And he was hoping other people are hoping that it might be rescheduled for use in that context for people who are really anxious about dying, and he said, there's an infinite wisdom within us, within consciousness that's unlocked by psilocybin. And I think it can be unlocked by many things, not just psilocybin. And I think that's one of the things that gets unlocked. When a person goes into map consciousness or manic consciousness is, it's like going into this state of infinite wisdom. And he also said, these are meaning making compounds. And I thought that was interesting, because I remember talking about the meaning making and how that's important. I think mob consciousness and mania is a state of making other meanings and assigning other values to reality than the ones that are programmed ego would have a sign. So again, I'm just taking what he said, and transferring that over to the experience of map consciousness, which, in my case has happened organically, I didn't have any kind of substance induced mania or psychosis. The point is that our own body can make these biomolecules endogenously, and will do so if there's some kind of need for that. So for some reason, my consciousness thought, it's time to go into map consciousness, it's time to go into mania, for whatever reason, and like Sean Blackwell said, it's a healing process, even psychosis as a healing process. It could even be helping to heal that one doesn't want to participate in this insane society. And when I was listening to this talk, I was thinking about how psychosis could even be partly for us to experience death, so we're not afraid of death. I've experienced psychosis and felt like I've died numerous times. I would say three times pretty strongly and then other times for sure, too. And the guy also said, they take the medicine once, and and it's a transformative experience. It recalibrates how they die. For one, it's a transformative experience. So it was map consciousness. And that can happen when the inner medicine of the body kicks in. The inner wisdom, it's the inner shaman that kicks in and turns on these processes to turns on these inner molecules in order to heal the psyche or whatever it needs to heal. It's, it's an inner death while living and, and we're judging that death as well. And we're not handling that death process. Well, either it's a death of the ego, or at least, elements of it. Even Eckhart totally says, to die before you die and realize there's no death. Well, this is part of what map consciousness is dying before you die. And the other interesting statement is it recalibrates how they die. Well, I think map consciousness recalibrates how we live, at least it's supposed to. And I've even used that word recalibrate. Yet, after our recalibration when we're at our weakest point, because it's sort of drained us of everything we know to be true. We're given the story that were mentally ill and effective. When if we knew anything about neuroplasticity, we would know that's not true. It's a matter of distracting all those circuits that are not serving us or humanity anymore. And then growing again, as something new, just like a forest fire burns the whole forest down well then a new growth forest, and it's even stronger because it's some of the seeds that survived the fire. So whatever His left after the fire of mania and psychosis is what we're supposed to grow from. And it's usually channeled into this process they call recovery, which is you're mentally ill and you're defective. And you're going to be stigmatized, because we've given you this, and you're gonna have to walk around saying, I'm mentally ill and defective, but don't stigmatize me. Because that's what we say that you should say and how you should interpret this. It's a rebirth. It's, it's a rediscovery and recreation process, and psychosis. And mania is like this fire that burns everything that we don't need anymore. And then it's up to us to, to move into that which is indestructible, because it can only destroy those parts of us which are not real. And part of the recalibration is to open our hearts. And he mentioned in the video, something called the noetic quality, which is encountering ultimate reality. There's definitely a noetic quality in mania and psychosis. And when we experience that ultimate reality, sometimes we are sounding like we're confused and things because it's a state full of awe and wonder. And sometimes we can only use metaphors to try and put it into words. He talked about set and setting for the people he administered the psilocybin to and how important it is. For people in mob consciousness, they're set and setting often is their same old, mundane life, or the structure of society, which is not structured for somebody to be in mob consciousness for long periods of time without getting freaked out. And then not only that, people are taken to scary settings, such as psych hospitals. And then, since they're so vulnerable, and sensitive and consciousness, they can react to that. And then they look like they're mentally ill or something when really, they're afraid, because they should be. And I was thinking about how people might be allowed to have these states of consciousness to go into altered states of consciousness at the end of their life. They're not now but maybe if they change the laws, people will be able to take that from a doctor at the end of life in order to feel comfortable with dying. Yet, it's not okay to have map consciousness any other way at any other point in time, is not allowed. Part of the trouble with psychosis is it's just not allowed. Any gave some examples of what people were saying, after they experienced having the psilocybin mushroom experience. And people are saying, we're all one and all these beautiful things that I'm thinking, wouldn't that be good to know at the beginning of life would not be a good experience to give people when they're just hitting puberty? Wouldn't that create a different world yet, oh, since these people are dying, we're going to let them have this altered state of consciousness in a safe and controlled environment, which in a lot of shamanic cultures, is part of rites of passage, where people are given some kind of teacher plant or something in order for people to have that experience, to inform the rest of their life not to inform the end of their life. And he was saying, consciousness is made out of love, and all this lovely stuff, and I'm thinking to myself, these are the things people need to know before they enter into adulthood, not just before they go to the other side. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is trying to do, is creating the same experience of psilocybin mushroom endogenously we can do that spontaneously. We can't by our own will, but by the will of something else, which is one of the reasons why it feels so mystical and and otherworldly is because we don't necessarily, always consciously intend for that to happen. So even though we have this illusion of control, under this illusion of freewill, we only do to a very limited extent. And you talked about seeing ultimate reality and how Love is the answer. And it's just silly to me because if that's really what that does, People should be given that. In high school, not when they're dying. It's just It seems so obvious that the only way it would be allowed this way is because people are going to die. And it's like mercy on these people who have maybe sold their life into some other crap that they didn't even want to do. Because they didn't know that love was the answer from the beginning, because it's programmed out of us. So it's a good start, that people might be allowed to die in peace. After not living in peace, mania is the mind exercising the brain, consciousness can exercise the brain, the level of consciousness, exercises the brain. And it seems a consciousness wants us to get used to these extreme changes in consciousness, and people who are able to do that will actually have an advantage. something beyond us is changing our consciousness. Part of this is the perspective taking. That's part of how the mind uses the brain to create itself. We have to be able to see from all the infinite perspectives of the total mind. That's our job as human beings, we're probably the only creature that can do that. The mind consciousness is changing our brains. And we think that the planet will be destroyed. But I think what will actually be destroyed first is our own brain. Because there's a certain percentage of people right now, with their brains not working properly. The brain is not really being views properly is being wasted. I think wise brains will last Dr. Albert vitiligo said, nature selects for wisdom. And if map consciousness is a state of wisdom of learning, I feel that nature is going to select for brains that have the whole spectrum of wisdom, the whole spectrum of consciousness, and other brains will be deteriorating, where they can't even really function anymore. And the wisdom is all those natural, innate human dimensions, those inner human dimensions are what feed the brain really cooperation. laughter, oxytocin. Our brains are starved of the nutrients of relationship and unconditional love, which are oxytocin type experiences. I just looked up oxytocin, it looks like it might be increased by vitamin C. I just looked up oxytocin. And it looks like it might be increased by vitamin C. I was thinking about that other TED talk I watched, which was flex your cortex, and how one of her secrets was thinking big. And it occurred to me that most people don't even know how to think big. Because we're so busy thinking about the past. Or we're so busy thinking about our knowledge, or what we've memorized or stuff like that. So we don't actually know how to think big. And I was thinking that my self dialog processes sort of, like thinking big. They're not really big thoughts, but they're just a lot of thoughts. And there are a lot of new thoughts and different thoughts and some overlap. And and in that way, I think it's creating new brain cells in my brain and, and probably more blood flow to my brain as well. But it just sort of occurred to me that I don't even know if people know how to use their brains in this way, or in a similar way. People might be able to watch a TED talk or something and nod their head and smile. But can they actually interpret it? Can they actually extrapolate it? Can they actually find the meaning and and what's implicit In what's being said and relate that to other areas, or can they just absorb it and try to memorize it and then regurgitate it later. And I feel like what she's talking about thinking big, doesn't mean regurgitating what other people said, because those are old memories, or even memorizing something in general. causes, I think, scar tissue in the brain, because we're not really meant to memorize things. Because if our brains are perceiving and, and seeing and thinking in the moment, then our brains are doing its job. Because it's responding to the moment. And if we adequately respond to the moment, we don't really have to think about something else. And if we need some kind of other information, we'll be able to find it, or it will just appear in our consciousness, without having to actually think about it or remember it, it'll just, it'll just be there. Just sort of like, aha, our brains are supposed to work more like a ha, you recap all day long. Not I am this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So so you have part of this, me talking to myself, is the thinking big, and maybe other people might see that this is about thinking for oneself. And growing one's own brain. Instead of being thinked. By old thinking, I feel like saying, I think if it comes from memory, if it comes from the past, if it comes from a personal psychological thought, should be more like I thought, I thought I thought, and that's more equating what's really going on in somebody's head, which is like old scar tissue, as opposed to actual using one's brain to see. So I really hope that people might be able to start seeing the thinking, not saying what I saw yesterday, or 10 years ago, and replaying that in once consciousness, which keeps one in the level of consciousness of those thoughts. And as a prison. When you hyper learn in this way, you don't need memory. If you need memory, it will be there. But you don't have to actually be using any of your energy to find it. If your mind screen isn't full of your own past thoughts and thinking about yourself, that's where those memories that you need, or information or, or ideas will will appear, appear not as a linear associative process, but just likely holographically. And it is likely holographic because, as they say, every bit of information in the entire universe is available at every point in the universe. So if our brain or mind screen isn't clogged up with anything holographically in that moment, as the moment requires, the light of your awareness will access that because you can be aware of it. Because you're clear. When you're always remembering things, it's in the way of that clarity. And the hyper learning state without memory is intrinsically motivating, without having to think about what is motivating, because that's a memory. So even once motivation has to be negated. And I feel that with mob consciousness, it takes a while to grow into our expanded awareness and to be able to be aware, without falling into the trap of getting used by some of the things that we become aware of takes time To adapt. Like I mentioned before, it's like being blind, and then all of a sudden having surgery, to restore eyesight. We think we see the world but we don't we just see our own past. And it's interesting because we see our own personal past and in my consciousness, a lot of times we get access to the past of the collective of humanity. And it's almost like the past of the collective of humanity, led up to the point where we're born. And then we see in that same way, and we continue those perceptions. So, us being born as a perceptual apparatus in the universe, was preceded by all the collective perceptions up until that point. So it makes sense that in my consciousness, we have to go through that entire spectrum of all of the perceptions of humanity in order to rid ourselves of those perceptions because we can't really rid ourselves of something that we're not aware of. So we become aware of all of that, so we can say goodbye to it, and not have it as part of our perceptual apparatus. I feel like map consciousness is neuroplasticity, it is learning is the brain learning about the mind. And then a person comes back from that state, and everything is done to try to stop it. Whereas everywhere else in science and brain science they're trying to study neuroplasticity, when it comes to people who go through these neuro plastic, extreme experiences these extreme experiences of neuroplasticity. They're given meds to stop it from happening again. And it's never equated to neuroplasticity, or let's research neural plasticity and for people recovering from spinal injury or from for people recovering from some kind of happening at birth or, or, or stroke. But, oh, people diagnosed with mental illness or that has nothing to do with neuroplasticity. We don't want to think about that. Because that's the brain turning on hyper neuroplasticity for itself by itself without the need of science or anything. So we don't want we don't want that because you can't patent the brain turning on its own neuroplasticity. So second brain growth and pruning. And the brain is trying to outgrow the society's trying to operate at higher levels of consciousness in order to create a different society. The brain is trying to wake itself up and is trying to learn how to celebrate and be joyous for no reason because reasons are given to us by society. reasons are programmed and so his motivation. Motivation is like focus. They tell us what to be motivated by and for and to focus on. And if we're not motivated by those things, then with something must be wrong with us. Just means we weren't able to accept that programming.
It's interesting how it's taken a lot of words, a lot of self dialogue in order to replace the programming I've been given about mental illness. Even though I never really believed the diagnosis when I got it. I remember thinking that's not it. Even though I knew that was an ad, I didn't really know what it was. And I still don't. But I'm starting to feel like we're not mentally ill, we're neuro plastic. We're not our egos. We're not our personalities. I feel like I'm not mentally ill, my brain is trying to grow into higher levels of consciousness. But it's not really mirrored and reflected in society. So it's difficult to stay there if one doesn't really understand what's going on. And especially if one doesn't understand what's going on, and goes back down to lower levels of consciousness back to ego consciousness. And then if one inherits the understanding that it's just a pathological mental illness, that one's definitely not going to grow into higher levels of consciousness, one's definitely not going to act in ways that will actually help grow the brain in these other ways. And I think that's one of the reasons why in mania, we connect with things like altruism, and, and so many of these things related to the oneness of humanity, because it's this higher level of consciousness, then we come back down, and we're told, we have this individual mental illness when our brains were growing into the consciousness of oneness, which isn't the dominant level of consciousness, but one can still move towards that. One can still work to neuro plastically rewire one's brain, according to that by harvest, practicing embodying one's mania. And I don't even think one actually has to really harvest practice an embody it. one just has to open one's brain back up to learning moment to moment. Whether it's learning about prior manic states, or whether it's just going out and embodying it, embodying something other than one's habitual conditioned personality. By allowing the surprise of consciousness to interject the stream of habitual self ego me reflexive thoughts, the brain is trying to actualize its potential, to embody the mind to embody the consciousness, that is the highest level of consciousness, we're here to embody, which is unconditional love. It's almost like our brains have gotten to a point where they're just getting so narrow, that it collapses upon itself. And then the neuro plastic process turns back on as an emergency mechanism of consciousness to save to salvage some brains. We can only save our own brain. It's transconscious brain growth, when the brain gets access to higher levels of consciousness, it grows, it grows neurons to actually be able to mirror that level of consciousness. So people who have gone to those higher states have the blueprint, it's just a matter of acting based on that blueprint. It grows because it can see different perspectives. So seeing is what grows the brain actually seeing, we're always seeing the past, the brains not growing, and consciousness is non local, it can leave the body, I had an experience once where I was a bird flying south. And in that process, we learn different meanings, we learn other meanings of what it is to be alive. And then when we come back to ego consciousness, we re inherit those meanings. And not only that, when heard the meaning that we're defective when we're mentally ill, and this isn't about convincing anyone that they're not mentally ill or that they are mentally ill. It's about finding out for yourself what you want to think about yourself. And being confused is an important part of the process. Because it means we have to rearrange our mental models, just like Jason Silva says, with the experience of or an experience of such perceptual vastness that we literally have to rearrange our mental models in order to integrate it. prefrontal cortex is what generates abstract thoughts. And when we decouple from our ego, and then we come back to it, we can have some scary thoughts that we don't think we are thinking. But it's generated by the prefrontal cortex. And when we're trying to end our life, we're actually trying to end the prefrontal cortex, we're trying to end those thoughts, and our personality, we're not actually trying to end our life, some of us do end up ending our life. But we really just want those thoughts to stop. Again, it's another mechanism by which the prefrontal cortex has been destroyed by people ending their own lives. Being told were defective, is very destructive, because we're just getting back to learning. And if we're told we're defective, we're not going to continue learning, we're going to stop the learning process. Not only that, we tend to isolate because we're think we're defective. And then that isolation also causes further atrophying of the brain. It atrophies the relational aspect of the brain and the mind. So part of harvesting mania is thinking about things in many, many ways, and not grasping onto anything in particular, through my whole process of self dialog, haven't held too tightly on to anything that I've said. And in not hanging on to anything tightly. I've had more insights into how I might want to talk about it with myself, to the point now where I'm seeing that it could just be the brain attempting to grow. And it's growing pains. And the brain is trying to grow into consciousness. And I like that reframe. I'm curious to know what's to come in terms of reframing. But I feel I've definitely gotten to the point of talking myself out of feeling like it's a mental illness. And like I said, I've never really felt that it was but I've, I've still participated in things related to mental illness. And a lot of it is very valuable, especially the psychosocial stuff, because it keeps people from isolating. And a lot of the people I know, who I'm friends with, through this process, are amazing people. And so for me, it has nothing to do with mental illness, it's just about connecting with friends. In my consciousness, we suspend our opinions and our judgments, or they're suspended for us. And they're pushed out by the speed of processing, in which we can see clearly in the moment and understand. And then that produces a lot more words, because of that information coming through all the senses. Clear seeing and clear perception is what grows the brain. Makes sense. Because if we're thinking something old, it's not going to be something new. That's going to grow the brain, expand the brain make new connections, it's an old connection. And if the brain is clear, it can see and it can learn. And I feel like you might find if you can see and learn in that way. There's not really that much else you need. You don't need motivation, you don't need all of these other abstract concepts, because your brain is clear and it's doing exactly what it is meant to do. And so that's all the meaning it needs. Doesn't have to search for meaning. Because the very meaning is the brain, which is learning and if it can't learn it's going to be looking for meaning because it's all clogged up with abstractions and and crap. I was thinking about a lot of these nutritional bio types of bipolar how they require more B vitamins and and B vitamins are mostly made in our gut by gut back Turia. So this could have something to do with, again, how the microorganisms and how we kill them is actually destroying our brains. And I think that is the case, in some research in autism and, and it is partly the case with mental health, and they even say 80% of serotonin is made in the gut. So with our overuse of antibiotics, we think we're killing these pathogens, but really, we're destroying our own brains. And the bacteria actually helped to create our brains. The bacteria partly are our brains. And we're against them too. And bipolar is like bipolar, hyper sensitivity, and bipolar, hyper perception. When we're hypersensitive and hyper perceiving, we're hyper learning. Because we see more, so we were processing more, we feel more, we're processing more. Society is designed in such a way that we don't even feel how we're killing ourselves in a slow and painful way. our emotions too, are because we're not learning. We're busy thinking about the past and emoting about the past. And that's wasting our molecules and our nutrition. And then we need more nutrition in order to actually exist in the material world. And, and we're emoting about the past because we're not fully engaged in the present. So all of this waste of energy is because we're not in the present moment. Because we can't deal with what's happening in the present moment. Because we don't know how, because we don't know how to learn, because we're busy thinking about the past. And we've turned the material world into habit. And by doing that, we're habitually going about our day, and we're not even present. And then we're busy worrying and moaning about things in our brain. So we're living in our own emotions in our brain. If we're fully engaged in the present learning, we wouldn't be emoting. And we wouldn't be wasting our nutrients and, and destroying our brains. magcon consciousness showed me what I need to do to build the Dream Center and I think I talked about the Dream Center before, but I just want to tell myself about it again. When I think about it, the Dream Center would be about allowing people to go through their transconscious experience in order to shift from perceiving through the past the scar tissue of neurons in the brain. And that is decoupled from and then all of a sudden one is existing as their neuro plastic brain. They're infinitely pliable brain as Krishna Murty would say. They're not acting as a programmed reaction to the past. I finished watching Sean Blackwell's videos and he talked about how the spectrum of psychosis is the same as the spectrum of consciousness. So in a way, the remedy for psychosis is an increase in level of consciousness. I don't think the question is how to solve mental illness. It's how to be fully alive and gesture oneself into joy. Will you join me
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brain, learning, mental health, consciousness, psych ward, psychosis, damaged, meanings
Happy New Year to myself. It's 2017 wasn't sure if I'd make it. Remember before my birthday, I was in the psych ward, and I was turning 34. And I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it past 33 I was really afraid. So I made it through the year. And I'm in this tiny little room just because I can hear the TV noise through the floor in the living room. And I was in here anyway, I was looking for some information. And this morning, I did tiare trauma releasing exercise by Dr. briselli. It's the fourth or fifth time I've done it, I'm going to try and do it every other day or every few days. And it's also day four of taking EMP. I did take it this morning. And I didn't get any of that white stuff on my hands. But I was feeling pretty happy. For a while now I feel I feel right. I was jumping on my mini trampoline. And I felt like a good jump on it all day. No, then I shoveled some snow. I was looking through some of my binders of information from when I was doing all that research in the last couple of years. And I came across this paper that I have notes on from when I spoke with Victoria Maxwell, who is a mental health speaker and advocate and consultant. And I spoke with her on the phone. And we were talking about mental health. And she gave me this piece of advice. And it says first priority. Don't do anything to jeopardize your own mental health and own physical well being even when you're wanting to be of service. And she said this is an important guide post. And I found it interesting just because I feel like I know that working in mental health isn't good for my mental health. Yet, I'm still working in it. But I know I'm going to change that soon. It was a good reminder for myself though, because I probably spoke with her over two years ago. And I have a note about i a transgenic illness. And I didn't know what that meant. So I looked it up in it something about the illness being caused by the treatment. And I resonate with that in terms of how I was treated in the psych ward in April of last year now I can say of last year. And I also came across this sheet that I got when I saw this lady who does live blood cell analysis. I've seen her twice over the years. And she's always right on with what to do. And she even wrote, take em power 12 a day for two weeks. And I'm actually seeing her on Wednesday. So I'm gonna bring this and talk to her and see if she thinks I should do that. Or if I should just take a little bit like I'm taking or what I should do. And I found this paper I printed out on pyrole disorder. It's on pyrole urea. That's hard to say, and Candida. And I pulled it out of the binder just because I think Hyrule disorder is about something to do with hemoglobin. And right now I'm actually quite interested in this whole oxygenation thing. And blood flow and oxygen getting to the brain and blood flow through the capillaries and things. And it's interesting that pyrole disorder often needs a lot more zinc and B six. To help fix the problem. It almost seems like our blood cells aren't even being metabolized properly. It says pi roll a key component of him as an hemoglobin Is overproduced in the liver. The severity of this condition fluctuates wildly as it's strongly related to stress. And it seems like why would the liver over produce a component of heme, maybe it's trying to produce more blood cells because the ones we have aren't properly going through the capillaries or something like maybe it's trying to change the structure of the blood cell. I actually feel it's hard to really explain what I'm thinking about in terms of this. But it's sort of like, I think the brain is desperate for oxygen and nutrients that starved. And it could be that this is a different type of blood cell hoping to get to the other regions of the brain or there's so many different possibilities. But I'm just seeing this theme right now. Because I guess that's what I'm looking for around blood, blood flow, even earthing and sunlight and how that gets the blood flowing, I think. It says payroll a key component of heme is over producing the liver, and bone marrow, the surplus of Pyro binds to vitamin B six, and zinc and is excreted in the feces and urine. So this creates deficiencies in zinc and B six. And to me, that sounds like a bit of a desperate attempt to create more blood cells in a way like the body is creating more pyrole hoping to create more blood cells perhaps. But when it's not happening, then it has to be excreted. And then it's wasting the basics and the zinc. And it's saying that a big cause of the pyrole disorder is candida overgrowth. And it's saying pyrole disorder is a main cause of mental emotional disorders. Yeah, that's a really interesting paper, if you Google, pi, roll, urea. And Candida might at some point, go back to a ketogenic diet. If not, maybe do one day of fasting per week, because that helps to restore the mitochondrial function. And Dr. mercola is coming out with a book on this soon. And I'll probably get that book just because I know he's been researching it really intensely. And I found another presentation I saw, somebody was talking about how niacin, decreases dopamine activity. I'm not really sure how that plays in. But it's interesting, because I talk about dopamine. And I actually feel like there's this over emphasis on dopamine in the brain. And that could be what eventually causes it to sort of short circuit. Because you can think about, well, you need to use it or you'll lose it. And if you overuse it, you'll also lose it. Because if we're always working out one muscle, and we overuse it, we're actually going to disrupt the balance of the whole system. So it's not about just using it, it's about intelligently using it. We need to use other faculties of our brain to besides pleasure, pain. So it's interesting that people have this area of their brain sort of short circuit, and then we need a lot more niacin in order to suppress the dopamine. And I found this other bit of information I printed by Captain Randall. I don't know who this guy is. But it was really interesting to me when I read it. This was in June 2015, that I printed it. And he's talking in this paper and I haven't really read it yet about oxygen deprived energy starved areas of the body and how they turn into cancer or have offered to stick bugs and infections flourish in those areas because what they don't have oxygen. And I think the similar thing is actually happening with suppose with mental illness is that the brain is being deprived of oxygen. And it's not necessarily being deprived of oxygen because oxygen isn't going to the brain but We're not using it in the right way. So we're not allowing it to grow by actually using it and learning. Yeah, so I will read this one again, because he's talking about raising charge to facilitate oxygen delivery. He does say together with vitamin C, oxygen therapy should be basic treatment for depression and mental problems. And the main thing I wanted to find was these true hope studies that I knew I had. And these are just the abstracts, they're not the actual studies. But I might want to give it to my doctor and see if she's open to supporting me to come off my medication. I want to say, read these while I'm gone. And see if she'll be supportive because they talk so much about being person centered and everything, but will they really be person centered. And I also remember them talking about this study that they did, where they had this maze for rats or something. And there was normal rats, and then there was rats, they removed half their brain or something like that. And then they gave the rats that they removed half their brain EMP and the rats with half removed brains, and taking EMP did better than the normal routes. And they also talk about how the brain re grows with em powerplus. And I thought to look for that, because of how now I'm sort of thinking about this whole bipolar transconscious map consciousness phenomenon as brain growth. And I was remembering that I was talking about how it's like a second brain growth before I just remember that today. I was like, Oh, I was kind of talking about this. And now I'm coming across things that are talking about brain growth and brain plasticity. And I'm thinking about how this phenomenon seems to me, like the brain is trying to grow again. I think it's almost like a desperate attempt for the brain to start learning and growing again, because it's caught in such a habitual pattern, where it's not even really learning anything, it's just existing in a machine like nature of conditioned reflexes, and, and that way of existing and being isn't actually the way the brain is designed to be. So if there's certain preconditions met, it seems like the universe comes in, and starts to turn the brain back on to learning. And I don't think it's that mysterious, because our brains were learning to begin with. So it's just this programming got installed in our brains and stopped it from learning. And then it makes sense that that's not really real. So it's just a matter of that falseness, losing its grip and falling away and collapsing to some extent, for a short period of time, and then the learning process turns back on. And then when a person is learning, they're acting different ways. They're free from the prison of habit. And people think that they're mentally ill because of that. And the person gets really happy and excited and everything because it is pretty exciting to be here on earth with a brain that is able to learn. Just like when we were children, we were pretty darn excited. Our brain was fully engaged in learning. And I just find it really interesting how they talk about neuroplasticity, and how mental health would say while the brain is damaged, it's a it's a biological brain disease. But they're showing that through neuroplasticity, we can change almost anything in the brain. So I don't really think even if there is some kind of truth to that statement about it being some kind of pathology in the brain. Science is going to say, well, we can easily change that. Maybe not super easily all the time. So this whole story about buying into being defective permanently. Can't last I don't think and I don't really want to be a part of that story, because it's due to collapse upon itself. And I want to help that collapse upon itself in my life, because I don't subscribe to that. And I think the brain really wants to learn The brain is a learning and exploring device. And I listened to a TED talk that was super fascinating. And it was by a lady named Sandra bond, Chapman, and it was called flex your cortex. And she started with this example of how she met a boy. And her tape recorder was broken. And the boy had been diagnosed with severe autism with some kind of label about how he couldn't learn and was very impaired. And nobody could fix her tape recorder. And she'd taken it to different places. And, and this boy just took it apart and put it back together and fixed it in the snap of a finger. And then she decided to study neuroscience because of that. And right away, when I heard that, at the beginning of the talk, I was like, whoo, I want to listen to this because I find the autism spectrum fascinating because the brains learning in a different way. And I think it's an adapt ation of the human brain overall, evolutionarily, in order to continue learning, because that could be it that words, and our language has actually gotten to the point where it's preventing us from learning, we think, intelligence is words. But that example she gave, and my observations of it as well, is showing that it's just a different line of intelligence. And I think it's actually necessary because, like I said, words are preventing us from learning now, because we're so stuck in our own opinions and judgments, that we're not actually learning anything. And she talked about unlocking the immense potential of our brains. I think the universe, and our brains are trying to unlock the immense potential of our brains, our brains are trying to unlock the immense potential of our brains. So a brain can have this transconscious experience or process happen. And it's, I feel reinitiating learning process. And when that happens, it's confusing. Because we're actually used to operating with a brain that's not really learning much at all. It's absorbing a little bit here and a little bit there. But it's not actually engaged in learning in the moment, moment by moment. So it is initiated back to moment by moment learning, which can be scary, which can be confusing. It's not something we're used to. We used to be that way as kids. And she said, it takes one to two generations for scientific discoveries to to catch on. And she said, that is too long. And I agree. And I feel like if I work in mental health, I'll be participating in that slow one to two generation process. Whereas if I just work with myself, then it's going to be a lot faster. And then she shared seven secrets of the brain. And the one that interested me the most was when she said, her secret number four is big idea, thinking. So she's talking about taking in different bits of information, combining with old knowledge, and coming up with new ways of thinking that she said would be higher levels of thinking, like synthesizing extracting the essence of it, finding the meaning in terms of interpreting it, and using transformative communication as well. She said big idea thinking is what makes her thinking memory and learning most robust. And she said, when we engage in big idea thinking, it actually increases blood flow to the neurons by eight to 12%. And it also increases the speed of the connection of neurons in some areas of the brain by 30%. And how I relate this to my experiences that in mania, that's what it is. It's constant big idea, thinking. It's seeing the more it's extrapolating, it's interpreting it's processing. And, and with the speed of how it happens, it makes sense that certain connections would be happening 30% faster, and I actually feel like there is an increase in blood flow to the brain in that process. And I think it's actually happening because the brain is attempting to learn again. And I feel that's what can happen when the ego collapses is that all of a sudden, one thinks in a different way, because one thing's based on what one is perceiving. And she did a ton of studies and said that her studies show that big idea thinking, increases your brain health at all levels. And then I was thinking about my process of self dialogue, and how a lot of it is just me, synthesizing and interpreting things and making meaning out of things and, and adding things together to create higher levels and new ways of thinking, at least for myself, maybe other people have bought these things, too. And it's not about what it is, I'm thinking exactly, is not about anything in particular, it's not about the ideas and whether they're right or wrong. And I've said this before, it's about the process itself, the learning process. And if I think about mania, and map consciousness and transconsciousness, and how the brain is just really enjoying learning, by doing this process with myself, I'm actually engaged in that same thing, just to a smaller scale. I'm doing it consciously, with myself versus waiting for the universe, or whatever it is, to switch that process on in my brain. And it was interesting that I came across this talk, because I was thinking about, how do I increase the oxygen to my brain and the blood flow to my brain? Do I invert? Do I hang upside down? Do I go outside and walk barefoot? Do I get more sunshine? And those are two things I plan to do. When I go to California? Do I jump more on my mini trampoline, which is one thing I do. And I think that's something that probably helps with oxygenation of the body to and then I came across this talk and she's saying, one of the best things to do is actually think, think big. And when when we think about the brain, that's what the brain is for that is what exercises the brain is to think, in different ways and to see things in different ways. And I feel like math consciousness, since the ego collapses, or gets scrambled temporarily. Then all of a sudden, the brain. Strange. It's strange. The last couple of days have gone blank a few times. Just in the middle of my sentence, I have no, like, I feel like I know what I wanted to say or I was going to say, but it just stops. So she said, big idea thinking is brain exercise. So I'd like to think that mania is brain exercise is getting the brain to step outside its normal thought patterns. Because if we only are thinking a very small number of things, we're only seeing a very small number of things. And that's the thing the brain doesn't map consciousness is it's able to take many different perspectives because when it sees something, it can take that perspective. It can see how it works, it can understand it. So then it has taken that perspective. So it's a process of, I think the brain wants us to be able to see more perspectives than just our individual goals and success and our individual desires and pleasures, because the world can't take that anymore. And that's one of the reasons why somebody who goes into map consciousness feels so altruistic or mystical or, or powerful, because I think one's connecting with that power that if we were all really cooperating together, we wouldn't be that powerful. It's not a power that one individual actually has, because we're not actually individuals were the same consciousness. At that level of consciousness, we're all the same. And we would work together not for our own individual gratification, because we would see where that leads us. And she talks about the importance of innovating, and new things. And I think that goes along with big idea thinking is that everything feels new. And I think part of it, too, would be just seeing something in a new way. So one doesn't necessarily have to have this completely random and chaotic life, one can just be aware of seeing things in new ways, or suspending judgment. And then she talked about motivation to and how important it is. And I feel like if our brain is restored to learning, we're actually motivated. And I think that's why society as a whole is sort of collectively depressed, because a lot of our brain, we're sort of told to live a certain way. And we're not really exercising our brains, we're not really thinking for ourselves where we're being told what to think. And we have these repetitive thoughts. So we're not able to think for ourselves. And this, to me, also, I think, reaffirms what I was talking about in terms of how the prefrontal cortex is shutting down in favor of probably blood flow to other areas. This yapping has to shut down in order for us to learn and think and see a new, we stop learning when the prefrontal cortex gapping started, because we're hearing that, and that's getting in the way of actual learning, it's getting in the way of seeing, because we're actually only seeing our words, we're not seeing with the light of our consciousness. We're seeing images based on the stories that our own words are telling us. So we're not actually seeing what's in front of us, we have this projection superimposed over reality. And then we're not learning about reality as we go, we're, we're projecting from the past. So we're all living in the past, and we're not actually learning and how can we enjoy life when we're living in the past. So I think that was a really important video for me to watch at that moment, because it has large relevance to the self dialogue, because I'm utilizing self dialogue in a way to talk about the big ideas that I have about things and, and it seems like from what she's saying, that's going to exercise and grow my brain. And if my brain is wanting to grow, and one of the reasons why it goes into mania is in order to grow, even though it's kind of confusing, by talking about all of that, and creating that context, is creating the brain cells of that context by talking about it, instead of having this uncharted territory when I go into that state, if I get pushed into a super hyper learning state. And part of it too, is that I think that super hyper learning state of mania actually does damage the prefrontal cortex, because one is so hypersensitive and hyper perceptive to the society that we've designed, that as we go through it, we're learning all these beautiful things, but then we eventually learn all of these awful things about the way society has been designed, and it basically crushes us and I think that damages that part of the brain, because we see how damaging it is, and then it's very difficult to get back into recovering being able to utilize that part of the brain in the same way we used to because the point of the experience is to damage that and have other areas of the brain come online which are to do with Learning, not earning progress goals and at the expense of, of the planet and other people
More about this brain learning thing. Learning increases blood flow to the brain. Maybe that's the amount of blood flow we're actually supposed to have in our brain. But we don't, because we're not learning. And then the brain starts deteriorating. I actually feel like since Sandra bond Chapman said that big ideas are very important for the brain, that maybe I can share some even weirder stuff. As my brain goes there. I have weirder stuff written down in my notebooks, probably. But I haven't even gotten there. And it's hard to go backwards because I write so much in current time. And again, it's not about the ideas, it's about. If I would wish anything for somebody else it would be to be restored to learning. Our brains are wanting to learn again, and we're told to fear our own brains. We're told that our brains are defective. And you can go on Ted and listen to so many talks on neuroplasticity, saying, people who seem doomed with worse afflictions can get their brain functionality back. It's very plastic, sort of think it can be damaged. To me seems like a ridiculous notion. I feel like what's more important is to join with other brains and consciousness in order to have this flower into a different awareness. Not an awareness of being some kind of defective person. But an awareness that the brain is trying to come back online, and is trying to learn and is trying to come back online. So we cooperate together, and we take care of each other. I feel like in each crisis, so called crisis or episode, the brain is trying to learn how to take more perspectives. It's given me the experience of feeling like a homeless person, maybe so I know what it feels like to be a homeless person. And it makes sense that it would do that in order for us to be able to empathize with each other and not judge each other and understand each other and help each other more. I feel like each episode of so called psychosis is like the brain doing weightlifting. It's a hyper learning state, even if it's terrifying, or even if it's magical, it's hyper learning. It's new, it's something different than we're used to. So it's going to make the brain grow, not shrink. It's shrinking away from all that we used to think was important and meaningful. And that part of the brain goes offline somewhat. And then we're seeing as mentally ill because we don't subscribe to the meanings of society that we've been given and tricked into thinking that are what matters in life. And then the double whammy is that we get tricked into thinking that we are defective. And everything outside of our regular mode of perception is slightly confusing. It's uncharted territory. And each episode helps us learn to navigate that confusion. And confusion is necessary for growth. If we're never confused, that could be a problem, because then we're just knowing everything all the time. And if we're only knowing we're not open and curious, being confused, like that could actually provide a rich opportunity for learning. And it could be partly that we see that our thoughts are confusing. we confuse our thoughts with reality. And we're not only doing that in psychosis, we're doing that in regular consciousness. And those thoughts are telling us what is important, and what is meaningful and what we want. But that's not in alignment with the universe that's not in alignment with humanity. And so the universe comes in, and tries to erase a lot of what we think is meaningful in life. And we often feel very connected with other meanings. And then when we come back to this meaningless reality, we're told that all of that just means we're mentally ill, when that's why I feel like harvesting one's mania and practicing and embodying is important to do strength training. It's almost like we're given a blueprint in our brain, a blueprint of neurons for other territory, and other meanings and other ways of being. And we can still recall those, and go back there consciously, without having to have the confusion. And I feel like that state is the mind is the collective mind. And it's showing us it's trying to change our brain. So we'll create a different world, a world that we all want, even even people who would pathologize us would want this other world. And we're here to create that we're all together. We're here to create a world where everybody lives in harmony, not where people kill each other. Does that seem like such an unreasonable thing to think? I think if somebody is never confused, if somebody never has a change in consciousness, then one isn't learning. One is more like a drone. So called psychosis could be transconscious brain growth, when the brain goes up to different levels of consciousness, it grows. And it makes sense that the brain cells would get scared when it's coming back down to other levels of reality. I feel like the brain is having a growth spurt. And just like growth spurts physically can be painful. So can brain consciousness growth spurts. So I would like to put forth the idea of the brain growth theory of so called psychosis. And it's like a form of sensory substitution. We're less sensing our ego structure. That is a false structure that we've been given that we've been conditioned with. And we're more sensing our sensitivity, we're more perceptive. And in the society we've designed, it's actually not good, to me that perceptive as we see, because people who go into that form of perception, I think it actually damages the prefrontal cortex, because one sees how damaging the prefrontal cortex is, in that what it has created for us collectively as humans, isn't something we would design if we're in our right minds. And so a lot of it is recovery from society. And part of that is creating a new society. Who knows how to even go about that. But I think that people who go through transconsciousness would have a good idea of how to design a better society. And we might have to start with nothing with no money. We don't have money anyway. Where were you defective, according to society. But I feel like we could create a society that regular society would be wishing they could come and experience. And they talk about mental illness as having brain damage, and it gets worse over time. I think society is what damages the brain. So if it gets worse over time, it's that somebody that's hyper perceptive, is dipped in the poison of society. And over time, they're seeing more and more traumatic things and it is damaging their brains. And then the very paradigm designed to supposedly help just facilitates that process. The ego perspective gets damaged but we are given Infinite perspectives and that isn't damaged. And it's not allowed to flower because we're actually not talking about all the perspectives that we've, we've seen, we're not talking about our visions, we're not talking about our perception, we're not talking about our altruistic nature. People who pathologize us don't understand who we are in the heart. They're so busy looking at other things, they can't even see what we've seen. And then we come back here, and we can't even tell people what we've seen. But at least if we can talk to each other, then maybe we'll create enough brain cells in each of our brains, to protect us from pathologizing ourselves by taking somebody else's voice, who's told us how to think about ourselves after all of that, and, and turning it into a label. Society is not designed for infinite learning, it's designed to be a drone to be a robot. And recovery is about going back to just being a robot. I feel like map consciousness is perhaps a desperate attempt by the brain to restart itself. Because all that one values in their ego process is false. And a lot of times that happens sort of trauma, and then the ego process falls apart. And then one has access to transconsciousness. When the ego structure sees that what it's really valued has led it nowhere at all. Something happens where there's extra oxygen to the brain. And then the brain can learn. It's almost like the ego steals all the brains, oxygen. And I talked about in previous videos about how it wastes energy. And it could actually be that the prefrontal cortex is taking all the oxygen electrons all in negative charge into the prefrontal cortex and the other areas of the brain can't grow. So when we no longer identify with that, then our brains can learn. And it's interesting that it feels spiritual because learning feels spiritual. And in terms of learning, well, what do we need to learn? think it goes back to things like cooperation. I don't know how. And I think map consciousness tries to recalibrate the brain and body to cooperate. Our brain is in service of our ego. And it's not listening to our body. And it's not listening to the fundamental laws of human nature, either. I have a sense that what we're looking for is actually our own brain, our own unclouded brain. But how do we look for that with a clouded brain? We're clouding the very thing we're looking for. We're clouding the very thing we're looking with, is just clouded with a bunch of words. And I was thinking about medication and how it probably stops brain growth, probably stops oxygenation to the brain properly. And it stops people from thinking for themselves. And I feel like map consciousness is the brain or the mind trying to get the brain back interested in itself. Because if it doesn't become interested in itself, and its own ability to learn, instead of just earning and pleasure in things, it's degrading. So mob consciousness comes in and tries to make life interesting, tries to make it meaningful, tries to make it a different game. And, and all of a sudden, one is interested in learning because one finds every little thing interesting. And it's so powerful, like how could we not be so fascinated by that process? Even in retrospect after it stopped, but most of us aren't, we're like, wow, that was too scary. I'm just going to drug myself and so you don't stigmatize me and, and, and consider myself, a less than person. And it's not about mental health. This, it's about thought, old thoughts, habitual thoughts. And that's what degrades the brain. And then sometimes people get to the point where they have odd thoughts. But I think it's actually part of the process of getting out of the habit of thoughts that normally we are stuck in. And it's almost like the light of our vision has been turned into sound. So if a person has a quiet mind with no words in it, it's just silent. There's just light. And then whatever one sees, can sort of speak to the person. But if we're speaking to ourselves, we're obstructing the light of our vision. And we can't really see. And so we've turned our light, we've turned our vision into sound, that creates other images that gets in the way we're projecting. We're all living in a world of our own projection. we're projecting our own voice. And we're being used by it, we're not using it. We've been taught to be used by our own voice, instead of actually using it. Or perhaps, to use it to learn not to judge and argue and, and actually solidify our separateness and solidify our positionality ease and solidify our opinions. Most of our opinions we heard from somebody else. And then we translate it into our own voice, and then we think it's our opinion, but it's actually just programming. And then we're turned into minions. I feel like I need to grow into my own brain blueprint. It's like I was given a blueprint. When I went into map consciousness that very first time especially, and it grew some brain cells. That if other people grew those brain cells, that would be the world. But people have these limited separate brains. The map consciousness gives us a map for learning. It's not about those specific experiences, it's about the learning process itself. It's an invitation to think for ourselves about things because that was our own inner experience. Nobody else had that experience Exactly. People can't deny your inner experience, you could think about your inner experience, however you want to. And according to that Ted Talk, the bigger you think about things, the more oxygen you're going to have in your brain, the more blood you're going to have in your brain and watch out. Because you might actually get really smart. Part of the trouble actually is that people in regular consciousness with, with program brains don't really understand. So there's not very many people to talk to. Because you may as well be talking to a brick wall. So that TED talk really gave me the motivation to continue with self dialogue, and keep the oxygen goes into my brain. So that could be the main point to keep the extra oxygen going to my brain and keep my brain from shrinking back down to the level of society. The game of reality is dopamine pleasure seeking, and the universe is racing this program. So we need to find the new program and get with it. Which could be learning, being creative thinking for ourselves and thinking together with each other, and cooperating. Sounds like a more fun game.
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It's less than six hours away from the New Year. And I'm sitting here by myself, of course. Lately, I've somewhat lost my appetite because of stress or whatever, and I've been eating a lot of pickles. And I have a favorite brand. There, the Bobby's pickles, because they're not pasteurized. So they have the cloudy brine. And today I picked a pickle. And it's a double pickle actually joined, it's one pickle, see, but it's too. And. And I think that's lucky. I think that means that I'm going to have the best year ever. Next year starting in six hours. I'm going to get off my medication. And I'm going to be an example of that. I watched a TED talk by David Asprey. And he's the bulletproof exact guy. And he mentioned that if something can be disproved once, then the assumptions of the model are not fully correct. It's a good model, but it's not always correct. And I feel I won't be the first person to break it. But I'll definitely be talking to myself along the way to see how it goes. Because I am a little bit scared. But maybe if this process of talking to myself about it, and and maybe sharing it one day when when I've accomplished something, maybe that'll help other people to do the same. Because there's a lot of people who do share their story of success, but maybe don't necessarily talk to themselves along the way about it. They share it later on, and it's not as visible. I have no idea. I definitely think the double pickle is good luck. This year has been pretty interesting. I started making videos in late June. So just six months ago, ish. And I definitely feel stronger and weaker at the same time too. I feel like things are coming up for me, but maybe I can handle them. And it makes me feel weaker, because I don't just crumble automatically I ride it out. And it's somewhat painful. But I feel like I really don't want to go back to the psych ward. And maybe that's another reason why I'm able to manage it more because I really don't want to go back. And tomorrow, it will officially be that I haven't been back in eight months, because I was out of the hospital in early May, I think. So I still might need a few days to actually make it officially eight months but and then through this process of talking to myself for the last six months. I feel like I just don't resonate with the paradigm anymore. I resonate with transcending the paradigm. And that's what I experienced in April. And I think that was the lesson that I was supposed to learn was that a lot of people that go in for help in the psych ward are given medication that actually make them worse. And when the meds make somebody worse, like it did for me is just attributed to worsening of mental illness. Yet if the meds seem to make something better, while it must have been the meds that made it better, so it's never the meds that make it worse, but it's the meds that make it better. And I'm wondering if if it does much of anything either way, or if it just mainly makes it worse. And then when it gets better, it seems like the meds made it better. I have no idea. All I know is that I think after having two hospitalizations where I was in and out really easily. With third one showed me that it can just as easily be made a lot worse by the paradigm that's trying to help. And I felt so powerless to try to escape it. And since that happened, I don't want anything to do with that at all. I just have so many other thoughts and ideas about what's really going on. And how we really need to find out what it is the brain is trying to do, or the mind is trying to do. Like Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself well, the mind is using the brain and turning brains into bipolar brains to create itself too. But it's not working. It's not being able to create itself, it's not being able to create this heaven on earth. And we experienced that heaven on earth temporarily in mania. And then we come back to this reality. And nobody's trying to level up to that reality that people experience in mania. They're just calling the whole thing. pathological when really, the tail end of the bipolar process that gets pathologized is just the hangover from coming back from heaven. And then I feel like people that have gone there, we need to actually help people level up to that level, because so many people are experiencing anxiety and depression. And this is a reality we've created where that is a normal occurrence. But that's not really supposed to be how life is. And I feel that's the way life is because we've been caught in habit. And then we're adapted to everything around us, we don't even notice it, because we're caught in our own brains. Or we're caught in our own mind stuff or on thought forms. And we're not actually learning and exploring reality, but we have been trained out of doing that. And then when we get restored to learning, again, through the bipolar process. I feel too, like at some point, we eventually learn too much about reality and how it's been designed. And then we get tripped up by that. Because we're not able to design a new one. In one process. We need more than just one of us working together at the same time to get that wave of life felt by everyone. And in an earlier video today, I asked why would the lithium or whatever it was on my hands come out in my hands. I think it's because that's one of the places where the skin is replaced fast as it sheds. One of the fastest areas in the body that the skin sheds is on the hands. Plus, the brain has a lot of neurons devoted to the hands. And so if it wanted to shoot lithium out of the brain, definitely send it down the nerves to the hands because there's so much for that represented in the brain. So there's a lot of neural pathways plus a lot of skin shedding from the hands and it didn't take long, maybe half an hour or so before all the white was gone. And I said I'll probably take a break from taking the EMP but I don't think I will. I think I'll take it again and see what happens. I'm curious to see if my hands turn white again. And I started to make an account on micronutrient support calm but is 35 bucks a month American and I will pay that I just think I'll wait a few days before I set it up. And this question that I asked what would a manic do is sort of stuck in my head a little bit. I feel like a manic person is celebrating life is one with life and is a celebration of life with life. But in terms of what would a manic do a manic would definitely eat this double pickle even though I feel kind of pickled out for the day. And also, I remembered I have one session I have colon hydrotherapy. And I was thinking about how it would be funny if I could ask my colon hydrotherapist. If I could record this session, and I was thinking, it'd be funny to say, this is my colon, and actually therapists who I've shot on how on many occasions, because I bought a six pack of poop cleaning sessions, and I still have one left that I was saving for a rainy day. And since I've been eating a lot less lately, I'm thinking that the chances that I'll actually poop on her are less, because I have less poop in my system, I would think. And generally, people don't poop on their colon hydrotherapist is just one of my specialties. And, and today, and yesterday, I actually felt a little bit giggly and giddy. I really feel like I have felt less so called anxiety today. And I've taken the EMP three days in a row. And today, and yesterday, I've just felt a little bit giggly. Like I was watching something, somebody that was with me when I was in really bad psychosis one time recorded me and I was watching the video. And, and there was one part where I was like, I'm just going to go wash him in this bag, because I was too afraid to go to the bathroom because I was afraid. If I went in there in my life or something, I ended up not going in the bag, I went in the washroom. But I just it just seems so funny. Because I remember actually, how much inner agony I was in complete agony. But just watching the video, in retrospect is funny. The stuff that I said. So I've just been finding things kind of funny. And I don't know if that's because I'm on an upswing, or because of the EMP. But it's good to talk to myself daily and just sort of figure out what's what. And I was thinking about how the worlds sort of manifest from our inner from how we're feeling inside, and that comes outside, or how the inside is the outside feels too. And I was thinking about escape velocity, I was thinking about how this whole world we have is sort of the structure of thought and everything that we collectively believe together. And in mania, we often think a lot faster. And we think new thoughts. It almost feels like there's this jump in orbitals of processing. Like we're in this sort of mundane circular loop of our own regular thinking. And also, we escaped that through faster thinking it's like, we need this faster process to actually override the regular thinking process, because that's almost a certain mental speed that we're used to. And that's our habit. But then when we're actually learning, it's faster, because we have to process a lot more information from the outside and the inside. And the outside by perceiving it. It's feeding us different thoughts. And I think that goes with the clear mind screen. And I read through some of this book, save your brain, by Dr. Michael Colgan. And the last chapter is quiet mind. And he talks about how it's important to have a quiet mind because these emotions of fear and anger actually damaged the brain. And he goes into how that works. And he talks a bit in this book about how nitric oxide damages the brain. And I don't know that much about nitric oxide, but it's definitely something to do with relaxation. And there are some places in the body that it's important. But ever since I heard that talk from Dr. mercola. With that doctor, I forget his name, about how the heart isn't really a pump. It can't really pump the blood. There's some other thing going on, and how it's really important for the charge of the blood vessels to be negative through sunlight contact with the earth and human touch. And these are all things that we're actually starved of right now. And so I was Thinking about how it could be possible that the circulation in the brain isn't happening as well as it should in terms of the good pillories. And so, nitric oxide and some of these other things he talks about in this book, and somebody else was talking about something in another talk I was listening to, I think it might actually be I don't know enough about it, but I'm just guessing that some of it might actually be a desperate attempt to get the oxygen to that part of the brain, or to facilitate that, you know, in some way, because it's not happening naturally. And I feel like, part of the reason why areas of our brains aren't working properly in terms of Alzheimer's and dementia, and Parkinson's is that our brains aren't getting the proper blood supply, because we're not connected to the earth. And I was watching a talk by some other guy, but it was a TED talk at UC Berkeley. And he was talking about neuroplasticity, because I've been looking at that a little bit. And, and he was talking about, and he was talking about how there's new treatment for depression, for some people who don't respond to the medications, and they're using magnets on their brains to stimulate neuroplasticity. And if we think about it, the earth has a magnet to and we're not connected to that magnet. So I actually think that so much of this stuff could actually be nature Deficit Disorder. And and I've talked about in other videos, how does nature exist if we're not looking? Or do we exist if we're not looking at nature, because imagine if a lot of it has to do with lack of electrons from, from having electromagnetic fields from from electronics and things and not actually being in touch with the natural magnetism of the earth, the electrons that we get through our skin by actually putting contact on the earth. And I actually even came across in this magazine called the new a Gora, I think that's where the article was talking about something that I've suspected. And it was talking about how we actually get energy from the sunlight through our skin, as an actual energy that we can use. It actually feeds us. So they were saying that we're not just I can't remember the terminology, but it's something to do with the mitochondria. But we also have a bit of not photosynthesis, because we don't have chlorophyll. But we have some kind of photo heterotrophic process or camera or what it was, but we actually, if we get energy from the sun that way. And it could actually be partly, not necessarily that we're getting food energy that way. But if we're getting electrons, and they're charging our blood vessels, and then our blood vessels have more and more charge, so the oxygen can get every single part of our body that needs it. Because one thing I was watching this other TED talk, and David Asprey was talking about how our human brain is the last to get fed. First, it's our reptilian brain, then our sort of distracted brain like, like a dog or something, and our body and our machinery, and then our human brain gets fed. And I was thinking about how even in terms of the oxygen supply, these higher processes wouldn't be fed. First, they'd be fed last. And I actually think that some of this higher processing is what happens to a person when they go into mania. It's a high energy state and energy has a lot to do with electrons and electricity. And that could have something to do with the oxygen flow. And it would make a lot of sense in what I've experienced how in that state, I'm a lot stronger, and I have a lot more energy, I can think a lot faster. I can process a lot faster. And this might actually be some of our natural human capability. So I actually, I think there's a lot to this whole earth magnetism thing being out in nature. And it's not just about charging our bodies nature. But when we're in nature, we're part of nature. And we're, we're observing nature, and we're acknowledging nature. Nature might need us to acknowledge it as well. Just to be with nature. And this book, save your brain talks about talks about flee the city, talks about how important it is to not live in the city where it's super polluted. And that's another thing is that there's not that much oxygen in the air, not as much as we actually need it to be to actually get enough oxygen in our bodies. So we're kind of oxygen starved. And if we're oxygen starved, plus our blood vessels aren't charged properly through contact with the earth and other humans, and, and less toxins and everything makes sense that some of the areas of our brain are going to die and break down. And it talks in this book about Parkinson's and, and it talks about dopamine, and how there's this particular part of the brain called the substantia nigra. And I think it's talking about some of these like blood vessels here. And how that's what gets damaged. And it has to do with dopamine as well. And I'm thinking too, it's in a way evolutionary, if I think about what David Asprey said how the human brain is sort of the last part to get fed, the actual part that makes us uniquely human. It makes sense, because that was the last part to develop in terms of evolution, in that we're sort of the top of the food chain of the species. So it's the last to get bed, it was the last to be graded, it's the last to get fed. Well, in terms of dopamine, a lot of our dopamine circuitry is around reward and, and punishment and things and, and pleasure seeking. And that sort of, in a way, it's this extra bit that we have that is nice. But if anything was going to shrink first, in terms of things to disappear in a human being it would be that because it's not really necessary. And then we ended up if we develop dementia, or some kind of really bad Parkinson's, we go back to just being consumers of food and, and poopers and, and needing to be taken care of again. So we're not really able to self actualize. Or it could be that we're self actualizing separately, that this part of the brain is being destroyed. And it talks about how Ginger's anti inflammatory tumeric true cinnamon. And it talks about drinking a cup of coffee a day is good for you. It even talks about taking aspirin is good for you. But I was actually thinking that that's a blood thinner and an anti inflammatory. But basically, you don't necessarily need to thin your blood if the blood can get pumped through the system easily through the proper action of having enough negative charge in the blood vessels. And I think actually, that could have something to do with with mania is just this extra charge that comes from the universe. And it's its energy and it's like how do we have so much energy without eating? Why is it that we don't even need to sleep it's because we have all this extra oxygen going through our system because we have this extra charge. So I think there's a lot of clues in what I've been looking into recently. And it's interesting because where I'll be going is is outside of the city and and should be lots of nature things so it'll be in alignment with the stuff that I'm reading about. Actually, I'm a little bit concerned about when I come back I need to still be in a quiet area away from all this pollution. I wonder too, if Because a person in mania is in this really high metabolic state, at least in terms of consuming oxygen, one would need a lot of nutrients. Or it could be that the body is sort of using up a lot of its nutrients and then it runs out of nutrients. But another thing could be that if one is in the presence of so much toxins in the environment, in the air, and if one of the main things is that one is really utilizing a lot of oxygen, if one is in a place where there's not that much air, it could be not as good for the body. So yeah, earthing sunlight and human touch
So I think this will be my last video of 2016 2016 included one psych wards day, whereas 2015 had to. But the number of days are pretty much the same. Because I was in there a lot longer this year because I was made worse by the medication. And I was lucky to escape. One other thing this book, save your brain by Dr. Michael Cogan, said was that we're made up of light and gas, mostly light, and gas. And I just want to remember that he said something that is interesting, especially because I talk about the adjacent light body, we can almost have a body that is just light, and then sort of a material body as well. And they overlap. I don't know. Another thing that guy at the UC Berkeley, TED talk on neuroplasticity said was that he was talking about biofeedback at the right time. So stimulating people to have a craving for something, and then them practicing, bringing themselves out of that craving. And I just thought of, that could be useful for me to think about, in terms of, if I do get into a state where I'm kind of scared to almost bring myself back and think of it as biofeedback. Think of it as consciously bringing myself back because my consciousness wandered somewhere else, while I can still consciously bring myself back. And we don't generally think of that we think that just like a person who has an addiction might have a craving for something, and then they, they go and have it and they can't stop themselves. Well, he was doing some research where they're doing biofeedback to get the person to practice, not going for that craving, actually bringing themselves back. And I feel like there could be some application for that, in my own practice of, if my consciousness goes off somewhere like it. Almost like my consciousness is addicted to wandering off into terror, or addicted to wandering off somewhere else. I can think of it as I can bring myself back, instead of thinking that I'm completely a victim to that. There is some element of me who that can bring it back. And I don't know if that's true. But I just thought of that when he said that, because I like to relate things to my own experience, no matter what it is. He talked about something called sensory substitution. And I actually think that that's something that's going on in bipolar is that there's certain areas of the brain that are, are sort of atrophying and being substituted for something else that we can't yet really recognize what that is, what that function is. And there's no real place for that in society. And I think that that's partly what's happening is certain areas are shutting down. And other areas are amping up, since we're so attached to those areas that that shut down and diminish. We think that it's some kind of problem when I actually see it as a solution. And he also said, use What does work to get the results you want. So if there's certain parts of my brain that aren't working as well, well, I can use the parts that are working well and some of them might even be working better. And the Dave Asprey TED Talk, he talked about how he's a human performance consultant, and I was like thinking to myself, I want to be a bipolar performance consultant. Maybe if I can master it. Then I can be and he talked about something interesting about how reflexes are interesting because it shows us that we don't have control over a body. So if we touch a hot stove, our arm pulls away before we even realized what happened, that it was a hot stove. And I actually I might have talked about this before how bipolar is almost like a reflex. It's so sensitive, and it's sensing other things. And it reflexively pulls away from certain things or attacks certain things or gets mad at certain things. It's, it's more of an automatic, there's not so much prefrontal cortex, planning and scheming going on, it's very much more an emotional state. And it's sort of like a reflex, because we're not really in control. But how much are we really in control of anything. And the way, so called normal people are in control is getting kind of boring, people are getting bored with it, and they're getting depressed and anxious and everything. And he also talked about how gratitude is the most important bio hack. And I thought that was cool to hear from him, because I know he's done a lot of research. And just to remind myself about gratitude. Sometimes I really feel in the state of gratitude. And I also feel like being in the manic state, gratitude is just automatically there without having to think I'm grateful. It's just being one with everything, and one with gratitude, even, there's no one there to think I'm grateful, because it's just innate, it's just inherent in the state. So being grateful is important, of course, I just feel like a lot of these concepts and abstractions just disappear when one is actually in that state. And it would be great to have it as a stage, not just a state, so actually have the stage of mania. And that's just joy beyond reason. not needing a reason to be joyful. We're all looking for reasons. But imagine, we were just joyful without needing reasons. And mania, part of that reflex in bipolars, is hyper intuition. And part of intuition is the hypofrontality, the de activation of the prefrontal cortex. And I wonder what we would create out of joy for no reason, versus all this planning and preconception that happens right now. I feel like I could develop my own exercises for myself, to actually see if I can get some of these other circuits in my brain to come online, the ones that we're trying to fire up. And another thing about mania is there's no fear. And that's why we test reality. And the voice in our head, a lot of times, it's implicitly fearful. And fears are a waste of energy. So there's definitely a fearlessness in the state, or a love more ness. And I don't think we learn how reality actually works because of our fear. So we allow our fear to keep us in this fear of comfort. And so when we lose that fear in mania, we start to test the limits of reality because we don't have any fear. And we do learn a lot. And there are certain limits of reality that are definitely there still. Like in Shawn Blackwell's videos, he talked about how somebody tried to walk through a wall. And they didn't. But because of the fearlessness, we test reality in that way. And even though we can't walk through walls, there could be certain things that we learn that we can do. And those are the things that I feel we need to re harvest and, and reconsider. One of mine, I was able to get people to shift automatically into their life. Body self, a more beautiful flamboyant version of the same person in an instant. Now, I might be able to go out there and see if I can make that happen. And I also feel like people who haven't been diagnosed bipolar don't learn about bipolar because of fear. And then what they do learn about it is just mostly fearful stuff for work don't stigmatize people like just sort of talking stuff. And then a lot of people with bipolar don't actually learn about themselves and their own capabilities because of fear, because they're taught to fear themselves. So after all of this happening of bipolar, or map consciousness, or manic consciousness, it's never again, really tested. It's it's feared. And fearing bipolar is just like fearing learning. It's fearing the capabilities of the brain. It's fearing our own gifts and our own greatness. I wrote down gesture yourself to joy and get people to notice that they're alive. Most people are stuck in their head. So whenever I can sort of Oh, my God, oh. And I think actually, maybe something that charges the blood vessels to is looking in each other's eyes. Because if the sunlight can do that, soak in the light from another person's eyes. And that could actually be part of the placebo. Generally, if somebody is receiving some kind of placebo study, they're going to make eye contact with somebody. And they're going to be in contact with that person's energy as well. Maybe even shake hands. And all these things are charging up the being of somebody. Last night, before I went to bed, I was writing a few things down. And I wrote that whatever you notice, here, one with you're related to, and that there's an importance in noticing nature and having relationship with it. Versus always being related to thought forms, energy going into thought forms. Because those thought forms aren't life. And then I wrote, you are the one life You are the relationship. You are the unconditional love. You are the unconditional love that looks from these eyes. And I remember last night, when I wrote that I, I got a little bit freaked out. Because sometimes before in the past when I've written some sort of higher insight, whatever that means. Sometimes I get this fear response. Because sometimes I get to the point where I feel like I know the rest of the story. And then I feel sort of alone. And I got that sensation a little bit. Or I felt like that was gonna happen soon. Because it's one thing to sort of talk about the brain and context and make up words and things. But then sometimes I start typing up stuff that is just very blatant. Like you are the unconditional love looking from his eyes or something. Like, okay. Because the thing of it is, is that that one life, that one life energy, that is all of life, there's no separate life. That's unconditional love because it allows everything to exist, and it loves it unconditionally, no matter what. We might judge things as human But there's unconditional love underneath all of it. And it also resonated in terms of how I was talking about people in distress needing to be received with unconditional love. And me thinking, well, if I'm in distress, I need to be received with unconditional love. But when I wrote that thing about being unconditional love myself, and everything is and all is that no matter what, even if it appears not to be unconditional love, there's still the light of unconditional love looking on to everything all the time. And even behind each human beings eyes, even if they are judging, there is unconditional love of their judging eyes. And of that, which they think that they're judging. So it was just all so that realization was just like, oh, whoa, my eyes have that unconditional love. And, and that's kind of what I'm looking for. But can I unconditionally love all of my distress that I've had so far, and sort of look back and heal it without needing somebody else to do that. And I'm not sure if that's true. Because I've had experiences in my life that have been bad, but at the same time, I feel that they've helped me to be pretty unconditionally loving. Not 100%, but and I even wrote down. This is the first time I didn't scare myself when I told myself that. Because it's pretty high level of consciousness to feel unconditional love. And at times in the past, I feel like I've gotten to a higher level of consciousness and then that's when I actually go back down to the bottom. And I think that's what might be a little bit of the scary part is that when I have the sense of being in this level, like getting up to getting back up to a higher level, it's kind of part of the whole bipolar process to go down to the bottom again. So being at a good level of consciousness doesn't necessarily feel safe. Get realizing that and not freaking out. Because when I wrote that I felt the silence I felt it so deeply and it felt like okay, well now it's time to go to bed and and I think it's important to not have eyes clouded by thought forms because thought forms are oftentimes judgments
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS
book, talks, learning, interpersonal neurobiology, language, consciousness, thought, psychosis, happening, stories, memory, limited, mind, lithium, electric shock, body, coming, universe, lithium carbonate
So I'm making this video and I haven't even finished doing my hair for the day, because I was drying my hair. And then I took a break to empty the dishwasher. And then I felt my hands tingling. And I thought, well, that's kind of weird. But what was interesting too was last night as I was falling asleep, ice, all of a sudden had this electric shock, go through my, my left eye. And then I was like, No, whatever, no went to sleep. And so today is day three of taking the EMP. So I was emptying the dishwasher. And then I look at my hands. And there's all this like white stuff on it. And it looks kind of like paint. And I'm thinking to myself, what did I touch, I don't think I touched anything that would have put this white stuff on my hands. And then I tried to wash it off, or even scrape it off, and it wouldn't even come off. So I'm like this stuff doesn't even come off. And then my brain started going in the direction of for universe stuff. Because I was looking all over, I was looking at all the different things that I had touched within the last five minutes. And I was trying to see if there was any kind of group or of any kind on them and nothing. So I'm walking around thinking, Okay, universe, what is going on? Because I have had an experience before. I don't know if I mentioned it that I went to the hospital, and then they wouldn't admit me. And when I got back, there was blood all over a red pepper that I had. And I was like, How the hell did that get there. And I still haven't figured that one out. But it was pretty freaky, because I even tasted it because I was like, that can't be blood. Like there's no way that can be blood. And whatever it was, it tasted like blood. And I ended up in the psych ward two days later. And when they were talking to me in one of the rooms, they gave me some water and that tasted like blood. So it could have just been that everything was tasting like blood. It was one of those synesthesia things going on. Just to freak me out further, of course. And it could even be that in that state of terror, that feels like death and things tastes like blood, because that's just the level of consciousness. But anyways, I haven't figured that one out for real, and I don't think I ever will. And I think it was also the universe telling me, well, you'll never figure out the universe, how are you going to do that? Like I can, I can do anything. And it really can. So my hands, I don't know if you can see, but I can't really see those white on my on there. And then my fingers. And that's all my pinkie. Basically, everywhere on my fingertips especially and on my palm. And then this hand is like this on my palm like that. And then my finger that, that? Oh, and it's on the back of my thumb on this hand. Because I was how I noticed that maybe it was not something I touched was, I noticed that the back of my thumb was tingling. And then I looked at the back of my thumb, right where it was tingling. And that's where this white paint looking stuff is. And so I'm thinking myself, maybe I should actually contact the truehope people and have a support account, because I was just going to take one a day. But it seems that this stuff, this truehope stuff is really powerful. And they talk about how when your body gets the right nutrition, it starts to make the drugs be overmedicating because it doesn't really need that anymore, because it's using the nutrition. So it's getting the right nutrition. And then now all these drugs are like poisonous, and the body's sensing it as poisonous. And I've heard them say that before numerous times, because I've heard them speak numerous times over the years. And then this happens and I'm just thinking this is weird because I took one this morning and I had something to eat with it. And yeah, I had that electric shock thing last night and I had this tingling hands with white stuff all over this could be maybe lithium coming out of my nervous system out of my nerves through my fingers and I haven't checked the rest of my body and I don't think there's anything there. I haven't felt any tingling anywhere else. And then I googled lithium and white hands and all that came up was pictures of vacuum cleaners for some reason. So I think it might be more of a true hope interaction. And I didn't really think anything would happen with just one capsule because a dose is technically four capsules a day and I was just going to take it as a little bit of maintenance and I thought it might help a little bit with anxiety since I've not taking any kind of multi mineral of any kind. So it makes me feel like just going off medication and just totally just going with the true hope and just going with it it doesn't make me afraid it makes me hopeful actually to take one capsule and start to feel overmedicated basically is is kind of cool. I was just really weird. Like, it's it just really looks like I was painting like finger painting with with a five year old or something. Yeah, it's even on the tip of this finger is it's really strange. And it's interesting how it came about with tingling, like quite sharp, tingling in those spots on my hand where it was happening. So it's an indication it's doing something I feel like it could be pushing out lithium like this could be lithium stored up, because I know that lithium carbonate isn't really easily processed by the body or easily absorbed. That's why it's such a high dose. And I was going to switch to lithium orotate. But maybe that would be something to do after getting off the lithium carbonate. So it seems like there's a lot of it's stored in the body. And I'm looking at my hands and they're kind of sparkly and glistening to like water's coming out with my palms are are sweating a little bit. It's kind of fascinating. So yeah, day three of true hope just taking one capsule. Maybe something like lithium coming out on my skin, and it doesn't wash off. So hopefully it eventually comes off. So I might take a break from it tomorrow. not take it but we'll see how I feel today in terms of of anxiety, because if that's better, then maybe it would be worth continuing to take even though it's going to give me some kind of neurological tingling and, and shocks and things like that. But I'm thinking I should get an account with them. Raise your costs a monthly fee of something might actually be good to have that extra support even if I'm just taking one a day. And I have that extra person that I can call if something happens could be assigned to just really get with this coming off meds thing. I feel hopeful that it will help went from being like why did the universe put paint on my hands? What is it trying to do to this is probably just lithium coming out of my system. I've been on it for five and a half years which isn't even that long compared to how long Most people end up on it, people usually end up on it until they get a blood test back that say their kidneys are no longer able to cope with it. And I'd rather be off of it before that happens instead of wait until that happens. Because once my kidneys have gotten to that point that must have that must right there actually reduce the number of years one has left because one's kidneys still have to work for everything else that the body is bombarded with. So it's not a matter of if it damages the kidneys, it's a matter of when. So I think maybe in a couple of days, I'll call them and ask because I know there's one support line where you order the product through them, and then they support you automatically. And then there's another support line where you just buy the product at the store, and then you pay for the support. So I don't know which one is better. And there might be a slight variation in the product. Or at least there used to be in terms of the formulation. But I feel kind of hopeful. I feel, I feel kind of excited. Because to me, it feels like my body is rejecting the lithium because maybe it doesn't need it. Feeling the prickly feeling again right here. Wonder why would come up with a hand. It doesn't come off. I really want to be able to have faith in this process because I've had different naturopaths tell me take this or take that some say true hope stuff is good. Someone say it's too broad. It's it's like this one size fits all yet. It doesn't fit all because there's different bio types of bipolar. There's pyrole disorder, there's over methylation, there's under methylation, there's something about copper blahdy blah. And it would be nice if just this would work for me, because maybe I could just take this and I wouldn't have to be all complicated with my supplementation. Something that seems I was right about was that owning a bad day is definitely the number one predictor of happiness. Because I use mine this morning and I was smiling. And I think the universe and Gaia was smiling too because now I won't have to use toilet paper and I love things that are eco friendly where possible.
Packing up my books in boxes so I can use the shelves for other things from my place. And I just thought I would make a video for myself of some of my favorite books. So if while I'm away, I want to remember what I was reading, then I can just look at the video because I'm finding it easiest just to translate things into video. Otherwise, I don't really know what the heck I was doing. It will be written in some documents somewhere and I won't really know what I was trying to do. The first book that I think I only read half of is the divided self by rd Lang. Like I was reading this on the way to Aslan. And of course, I highlighted a lot of it. And they also have trials of the visionary mind by john were Perry, something I should finish reading when I get back to reading. This is an awesome book, I've read it more than once thought as a system by David Bohm, and it's a dialogue with other people. And it really breaks it down. This would be worth another read. And Dr. Stan Graf holotropic mind rethinking madness by Paris Williams. I think I read this whole book minus a few pages that were really wordy. The natural medicine guide to bipolar disorder, I read this and there was some helpful hints in it. I think this is the book that made me make the decision to inject b 12, which I later found out wasn't good for my specific metabolism. So always have to take every single thing with a grain of salt, and book spiritual emergency by Stan and Christina Graf. I think I read most of this book. And of course, spiritual emergency is another term for psychosis, not 100% of the same but very similar. The stormy search for the self, by Christina and Stan Graf. I read this book a number of years ago, drive yourself sane. And it talks about it talks about General Semantics, which is avoiding the verb to be saying I am and also paying more attention to the time binding aspect of language. So saying something like I'm depressed today versus I suffer from depression. So making things more clear about the time limited nature of things and how that can be important in driving ourselves saying, I think I read this before my crisis. So I don't think it worked. But I still managed to drive myself insane. And another book on language hidden language codes. I read this quite a few years ago. And I think it's pretty good book. Again, on the power of language to influence how we think and feel. And his book choices in recovery. Craig Wagner sent me a free copy because I'm in financial hardship. Especially when I did get this book, I didn't have a job at all. Then I got a job after. He has a lot of good stuff in here. And I think I read about half of this book psychiatry disrupted. I read this book, recovering sanity by Edward potful. It says a compassionate approach to understanding and treating psychosis. And this was the book where I, I think I talked about this book, I talked about how somewhere in the book that guy says, I don't care what happens in your spiritual experience. I care what you do with it afterwards. And I've been talking a lot about contacts. But really, I would like to put that into practice in daily life, otherwise, it doesn't really matter. And I have had periods where I was putting in practice and daily life and I'm hoping to get back to that can wilbers spectrum love consciousness. I read most of this quite a few years ago. I have no idea. And Dr. David Hawkins, he has quite a few books. He's no longer with us, but he has healing and recovery. The best one is power versus force. I would say, I used to have that when I lent it to someone, and I didn't get it back. I found some sections of the book helpful after my last visit to the psych ward, especially this page, page 296. talks about unconditional love. Maybe I should read this page. And I have the way of the human volume three. I think I have Volume One, somewhere. There it is. I don't know if I read this one yet. But Volume One definitely made a big mess out of. And I read some of this book, Carl Jung and it's called the earth has a soul. And it was put together by somebody else. But and this book, when the impossible happens by Stan Graf. I've read little bits of it, but not a lot. For some reason. I just I have trouble reading stories about people. And it's all about different stories of people and non ordinary realities, which should be really interesting to me, but just hasn't gotten a read yet. This books really good. JOHN C. Lilly reprogramming the human bio computer. He talks about LSD, but I just relate it to non ordinary states in general, to my favorite books of the last year or two, the pocket book guide to interpersonal neurobiology by Daniel Siegel. And this book is not really a pocket book. This is not going to fit in my pocket. But it definitely is a great book. It's quite it's definitely beyond just your casual read, you actually need to put some brainpower into reading it to get what he's saying. And he's the one that I learned the term EQ for IQ sensation from and it says EQ works sensation of feeling that a recalled memory is accurate, whether or not it is at work sensations give the signal that something is coming from the past. So the lack of a cork sensation is the unawareness that something's coming from the past. And then it can be scary because it's just a feeling of scariness. And if there was a scary thought and then there was a feeling of scariness Well, that would kind of make sense. Whereas if there's no clue about where the scary feeling is coming from, it could be from a memory but we're not recalling that it's there. So then it gets confusing. And I feel that's what has happened to me. And by knowing about this whole EQ fork sensation process, it has helped me to be aware when there are certain feelings there about while is there some kind of memory that's associated with it. And if not just allowing it to be a feeling and not being afraid, knowing it's a feeling happening now. And I don't know why it's happening. It could be something that might spiral me into a psychosis in the past, but I think just being aware of that helps to allow that to pass without adding stories to it. Because if I don't know, it's from the past, but I'm not really knowing what from that I'm going to start to make up reasons why I should be that afraid. Where whereas if I'm just feeling that feeling and I know what's coming from the past I don't really know what is lacking at fork sensation, but I'm not going to super impose thoughts and images around it, which would then be classified as hallucination and delusion because they're not happening now. So if I'm super terrified is probably from something in the past. But if I think I'm terrified because somebody is coming to get me right now, well, then that is going to add an extra layer of fear to it, and it's going to make it worse. So I just stay with the actual feeling sensation, knowing it's coming from the past. I don't know what though. So I think he really helped me with that. And Only time will tell if I'm able to stay out of the psych ward. Because, as of tomorrow, I'll pretty much be out the longest since I started having three relapses within the last less than two years. It was really three relapses, so called relapses within 14 months. But it'll be over eight months since I've been in the psych ward, I think. Yes. And that will be the longest. So each day now, after starting tomorrow is like the bonus day of not going back. And that's really one of my goals is to not go back. And the other is to get off medication. So yeah, if you want to learn about interpersonal neurobiology, and I think another very important part in there that he talks about is the relational mind, which I know I did talk about in videos, to myself in order to learn the concepts myself. That's the other thing that helps us. By talking about everything that I've learned that's been helpful, I'm sort of reinforcing it in my brain by talking to myself about it. And his other book I have is mindsight. He has another book out, he just put another book out, but I'm waiting to get it because he had a contest. And maybe I might win it. And I probably will buy it in Kindle format. Because I have a Kindle app on my phone. I don't buy as many books now because I haven't been reading but usually when I do, I buy it in Kindle now. I like the actual book. But I also like having it on my phone. So I can read it anytime, anywhere. If I have to wait somewhere or before if I would take transit. So mindsight this was this was this was super helpful for me too, in terms of learning about trauma, memory and, and the brain. I really think I'm not I haven't really thought about this before. But I'm thinking now just because I've been able to get through some stuff that just sort of knowing how my brain works or knowing how the mind works. Knowing about this memory stuff and EQ fork sensation and all the other concepts he talks about, actually helps me to, to understand and then it's not so scary. I don't get afraid of my own brain. We'll see if, if that's helpful over time. And I just turned to this page in the book, The Silent pulse by George Leonard, I really enjoyed this book. Often I get books on sale if I buy the paper copy. And he's talking about how a hologram contains all the information in the universe in a single point. And he says on page 82, each of us has a whole load of the universe. And though all the information of the universe is ultimately available in each of us, the amount of it we can encode and express a tiny amount indeed, is limited by our particular history, culture, language and nervous system. So everything is within us. And I feel like part of map consciousness actually releases some more that information for us to know, in sort of bite sized chunks. And it's still a scary process. It's it's more information than we're used to. And we're wondering where the heck it came from? Well, this book and many other books say every bit of information isn't every single point in the universe. So it makes sense that we can access other stuff. The real question might be, why aren't we accessing more, and it's limited by our language. And I think math consciousness is trying to teach us new language, it's trying to push our boundaries. And that's why it's a scary process. It's scary. So we don't get completely taken over by it, we don't go too far into it. Otherwise, we'd probably lose our material existence, and some people do. So it's enough to draw us back into into the common culture of the time, but we bring other information and we're just not sure how to communicate that. And this is a good book, nutrition and mental illness by Carl Pfeiffer. He talks about the biotypes of mental illness. And I bought this book emergence labeled autistic by Temple Grandin. And I haven't really got too far into it, it seems to be mainly her story. I thought maybe it was other information as well. So I haven't gotten totally into it. Because I did see the movie, of course, it's amazing. And I have the book, gut and psychological syndrome, about the gaps diet, which helps people with mental health stuff. I also have the book trans people live, I haven't really got into this book yet. I really wish there was just spare time to press pause on reality and just read. But I told myself that I want to focus more on embodying mania and actually being out there in the world. And the only reason I'm not right now at this very moment is because I need to pack up my stuff, and then get ready to actually go. And I'm hoping in that process of going, then that's when that happens. And I don't know if I will turn back to the books or not. Because I feel like I can read reality now. And might be part of my journey to explore the principles that I learned in manic consciousness in life, in order to bring that reality more into existence. And that's not going to happen by reading more books about it. And I have this book, the brain book by Peter Russell. And I didn't really read it. I got kind of a bunk copy off Amazon. And I just turned to a page though, it's interesting, because I just flipped right there. And it's about the glial cells, which I talked about yesterday, because I watched a bit of a talk on it. And he says, on page 41, unlike neurons themselves, the glia can divide and reproduce. This is important not only for maintaining the population of glia. But because where they divide, there's an opportunity for an axon to push through and make connections to other cells. Thus, the dividing of glia cells may be a part of the learning process. And I might have said that yesterday, I can't remember. But I was just thinking that since they can divide and stuff that they could have something to do with the learning process and, and shutting off some of the neurons might actually be important in learning because the neurons are talking about what it what they believe to be true and nothing else can really arise in consciousness. I just noticed that signed, cool. And I got this book kinship with all of life because I think in here somewhere there's a story about somebody being friends with a fly. And I wanted to read that because of my experience with the flies and how they weren't afraid of me. I didn't quite finish the book yet though. So those are some of my favorite books. I think. I did a rough count and I probably have around 200 books. I can't remember if it was 200 or 300 I think 200
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS
consciousness, manic, talk, create, part, brain, embodied, universe, ego, feel, bipolar, state, oneness, prefrontal cortex, mania, living, deficits, entropy, thought, problem
I feel it's maybe important that since in the state of mania, one feels like everything is one, that it would be important to design a society that keeps that in mind or in heart. Because I think it fizzles out because eventually that energy where everyone and everything is one wears off, because it's not actually reflected that way. In reality in the material world, one can go into that state in consciousness and feel that in consciousness, and if one was there long enough, one might be able to create that. And I think it can be created to some extent in, in daily life. Because again, all this talk about manic consciousness and embodied mania and harvesting mania isn't about being in that state of consciousness. It's about embodying those types of behaviors and, and joyousness. It's one thing to be propelled into those sorts of behaviors and joyousness, because that type of chemical is made endogenously, for whatever reason. Or however it works. It could work in a multitude of ways. What I'm trying to say is by embodying that in regular consciousness, it will be practiced in the neurology and the physiology in a daily life way in the sort of daily life embodied way. And I think it's something even, quote unquote, normal people can do is that one day, normal people will be looking to that state and how people are in that state in order to figure out how to be in life. Because it can be created internally, and one can act that way. Or one can act that way. And it'll be created internally. So a lot of times the universe will do the internal creation for us in order to give us that kind of clue. could think of it as a game. And then it's a matter of having that state of oneness inform one's life instead of going back to the state of thinking in order to inform one's life. And I'm going to try and put this somewhat to the test myself. And in that Ted Talk with that woman, she said, her father said, if there's a problem, and no solution, then you've got to create this solution. And you also have to figure out exactly what the problem is. And the trouble partly is that, I guess I don't really know what the problem is. Part of the problem could be that reality is just too dealt. And so the universe comes in and tries to make it more interesting. Even if one is in the exact same place, they always are all sudden, so interesting. Well, that's a cool game. A lot of us feel like life is meaningless. And then the universe comes in and shows us. Wow, there's meaning everywhere. And perhaps that's part of the thing is that it's a matter of adopting the attitude that the universe would have us have, no matter what. be joyous and loving and spontaneous and curious and playful. That might have been why I was thriving when I was working in that medical clinic because I was just that and not trying to do anything in particular sort of being as the universe would want me to be. And that does everything. So I guess in a way that's back to the whole idea of being versus doing I think that's part of it is that mania is a state of being. And then everything just happens. miraculous miraculously, part of the self dial of two must be creating neuroplastic changes in my brain over self dialog, sort of creating those channels where I can talk to myself really easily. And maybe one day, I'll be able to talk with other people. And I think that if there is information coming out of my body and out of my nervous system, due to changes in entropy, or changes in consciousness are however it works. By talking to myself in this way, I'm actually maybe creating more neural networks for that energy to go, creating more channels for the energy to go. And even by talking myself on that entropy, the words, the information, the dialogue is going from my nervous system into technology, and sort of putting my electrons out there. I actually feel like manic consciousness, damages areas of the brain that are over emphasize, we don't need them as much anymore. And it shows that we can exist. without all of that we can exist, not living in abstraction, we're all living in the abstractions of our minds, we're not actually living in reality. And manic consciousness comes in and shuts down those abstractions. And we're living in actuality and reality. And we're, we're in awe, and we're amazed. And so those areas shut down and other areas are trying to activate. And then we're thought to have defective brains, or like the prefrontal cortex has been damaged and is shrinking. While we're supposed to have a different part of the brain growing to compensate, but it can't grow. When our ego is glued back together with, with chemicals, trying to create the circuits of oneness that's trying to create more relational circuits. And it could actually, because we have less and less relationship in the world, and more interfacing with technology, just like I am right now. And somebody else in a TED talk said the brain changes depending on what happened to it. And that's what neuroplasticity is, well imagine manic consciousness happening to a brain while it's going to change for sure. I think the brain turns into an altruistic brain. And again, then it's just turned into a personal medical problem, and the person doesn't actually have a chance to engage those aspects of the brain that were coming online. And I think bipolar is neuroplasticity turned back on, when it turns on everything seems interesting. And I think part of that is always seeing in a new way. taking so many different perspectives, and I think that's part of it is, is we can see possibilities we can see potential, and we can see things that are implicit and we can extrapolate. We can see in so many different ways. We're not just seeing from our limited ego perspective. And part of that power of now level of consciousness that Shawn Blackwell talked about, is taking other people's perspectives or taking other perspectives. So I feel like instead of being an ego, we become a perspective taker. And we empathize and we can see exactly the scenario and situation we are in. And that's one of the reasons why consciousness goes like this is because if we see something sad, we feel sad. We see something happen with IBM, we're going up and down, up and down. And I think that's part of it is Krishna already talks about the brain being infinitely pliable. And I think that's what happens with bipolar is that we really become one with whatever is arising in the moment. And it could maybe get more difficult with time because we're not used to operating in that mode. We're not used to operating As I am what arises in the moment, if there's something painful going on, I'm going to feel that pain. And if there's something joyous going on, I'm going to feel that joy, I'm not going to be blocking whatever it is that I'm in with my mind by thinking and abstracting, and, and judging and labeling. When we label something, we don't actually feel the situation, because we've already pre judged it. We're saying, I know what this is. For one, we're completely vulnerable in bipolar. And map consciousness, we're always making new maps of things. And maybe we're just infinitely mapping and we can't actually make a map in which to reference something. And that could be part of the thing that eventually we get kind of tired. And we're like, well, I want a reference point through which to view life in order to actually be able to separate myself from feeling so much. And I think that's what the ego does. It protects us from actually feeling if if people didn't have egos, this place would be kind of chaotic for a long period of time. I think that could be part of the problems, how to be that vulnerable. I feel vulnerable, because I have some pretty crazy ideas and thoughts about mental health. I could think of it as brain damage induced by the universe. So then we'll figure out how to be an act totally differently to make different circuits come online. Somebody else wants to manifest through us. Otherwise, it would just be easy to just do a couple jumping jacks and then all of a sudden, we're back to ourselves or something. Part of the question is how to create that oneness. And I think gestures are one of the easiest ways because they're pretty universal. And I wrote down the question, What does consciousness want me to do? And then I wrote down share this consciousness. I think manic consciousness is a gift. So the question might be how to embody that. And I think there's a clue in the word manic men. I see. I think everything on Earth. That's what people would want the most. And it's the opposite of the noise of the ego and the prefrontal cortex. And I've talked about how so much in life is about getting that prefrontal cortex to be quiet, whether it's meditation, yoga, deep breathing, extreme sports. Everyone wants that flow. And what is that flow sort of flow of consciousness instead of stream of thoughts? And what is that consciousness? When we are, when we are that consciousness, we are it, then we become what we were looking for this whole time. But we can't see that we are what we're looking for, because we're busy talking about what we're looking for. So it's really messed up. What if each moment is exactly what we're looking for. And imagine consciousness each moment is fulfilling in and of itself. So I feel like we can go from seeing ourselves as having a day effect, to having a gift. Maybe there's defects and things that are shutting down the prefrontal cortex in different areas that are not as needed for a new society. Maybe they're valuable in the way societies designed, but that society is leading people to be depressed and feel like life is meaningless and all these things. And then this change in consciousness happens to us to show us another way of seeing, it's just showing us another way of seeing, we either see through the ego, or we see through this other consciousness, which shows us infinite learning and infinite perspective, taking what we're always learning and never going back into memory. There'll be an ego. The ego is the one that remembers in reference to the ego. But if there's no remembering, maybe there's no ego. I guess another problem might be how to keep consciousness associated to this body. And I think I talked about how looking at myself when I'm editing the video, because I don't look at myself really when I'm talking stuff to look at the dot. But when I'm editing, I see myself that might actually help with dissociation. And it might help with forgetfulness. And again, I think I said, That's why I like these videos is because they're just something in and of themselves, all I have to remember for doing a video is the one notepad typed up thing that I have for my list of thoughts that I want to talk about with myself, and then just setting up the phone, and then just remembering to edit it and then put it on YouTube. And then it's all done. And, and that's the extent of my memory right now, in terms of information processing. I have a lot of old notebooks that I get go over at some point, if I, if I get their thing, there's some weird ideas. But sometimes in the past, I write a lot when I'm in a higher state, and I'm writing things that are positive statements like everything is one. And so I don't know, that might be better for like a journal book thing, I guess, in terms of creating oneness is it would be great if other people might want to be one neuro tribe over having gifts, rather than deficits. And I think some of the deficits some of the suppose a deficit would be overcome by becoming a neuro tribe. Because I think the universe wants us to put our brains together in order to create something. It can't really be created by one brain. And when we're in that state, and we think we can do it ourselves, we can save the world or we're here to whatever we're missing the fact that we, as one human being can't literally physically do everything required in order for things to change. But what is required is that we see things the same way that we think together about things. Because if we see that same thing, we're going to create something can be ruined. Right now, we're being told to see the same thing about having deficits. And and, and most of us have bought into it. So yeah, altruism, joy. It's interesting how in the state of man of consciousness, I don't need these concepts. If I was in that consciousness, like I was the very first time I would just be out there doing whatever. I wouldn't need to really think about it. But I think that's part of the harvest. Practice embody the world as it is right now isn't comfortable with Mannix. But if we can be in regular consciousness and act a bit manic and then pull ourselves back from that consciously. Maybe eventually we'll create a world where it's safe to be that happy for no reason. But just to celebrate being alive. I also put my name down for a talk by David Stefan of EMP truehope products in late January. I'm hoping to ask him more about if I'm able to come off my meds with EMP and if I can get on board with promoting the product if I am able to come off of it off of my meds and I also booked an appointment to see this lady I know who does live blood cell analysis. She has a new method doing hair testing. So I thought I'd book an appointment just to see if she had any other information to tell me about my health. So yeah, lots of exciting changes, continuing to do. conscious self sabotage happiness first manic lifestyle design.
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS
consciousness, mania, bipolar, life, feel, state, brain, part, energy, universe, manic, people, glial cells, neurons, learning, create, prefrontal cortex, happening, exercises, oneness
I think part of it is getting back to focusing on the positive aspects, I've been focusing on the negative because I work in mental health, and there's a lot of negative stuff going on. I think I could talk about that for years. And there's positive stuff too, of course. But I feel like I want to focus on the gifts and and one of the gifts is this hyper learning, and what does this hyper learning want to learn? And move towards? And is there a sustainable way to be in that consciousness. And I actually feel like manic consciousness is the new consciousness. It's playful, it's joyous. And if you look at the scale of consciousness by Dr. David Hawkins, those are the higher states of consciousness, and our brain goes there. But it's difficult to actually stay there. Because Ken Wilber talks about how states are temporary. And you can, you can by states of consciousness, you can be in a state a high state just by taking some kind of illicit drug. Whereas the stages are actually earned. So how do we embody our mania and harvest our mania and move towards practicing it to actually get to the stage of joy and playfulness and love, not just having that as a state? The state, we get a lot of times just organically through our own endogenous bio molecules, it's all we can create them ourselves. And it's a matter of I think it's a matter of how do we design our life? That is that joyful? that we're creating those biomolecules endogenously automatically. And that's part of manic lifestyle design. How do we design our life? Because when we're in that consciousness, we act in different ways. We're random or spontaneous, we're creative, we're playful, how do we design our life to just be that way. And then we're, we're almost earning that state, by creating our life in that way. And by creator creating our life in that way, we're actually in alignment with the universe and what the universe would want for us. The universe doesn't want us to be habitual, programmed, robotic drums. It wants us to be one with life. And I was listening to a talk by Eckhart totally and somebody asked, What's the significance or what's the point of mental illness or something and, and he sort of, was beating around the bush for a while. And then he actually talked about it in terms of suffering, because his things about how suffering leads to awakening, or it can. And then something he did talk about, was that it's all one life, it's all one consciousness. It's not separate, like, it's not my life and your life, it's just life. So I liked that reminder of, of the whole oneness thing, it's life. And I think that's what actually happens when we go into manic consciousness is we're just one with life. Like, that's actually the energy of life. That's the energy that feeds the plants. That's the energy that feeds all creatures on earth. But we've sort of separated ourselves from that life energy by by thinking. And I think in the end, we all get returned to that life energy, because it is just one life. It's like, I'm life and somebody else's life, and we're interacting, well, are we interacting based on the principles of life? Are we interacting based on these rules of thought that we've created with our dividing minds to keep ourselves separate? And I was thinking about how lately I've been struggling with some so called anxiety. And I haven't really created any stories in my mind about it. So I felt it mostly as pain in my body. And then sometimes I'll have a little bit of a story come up as to what it could be related to, and it could be something from years ago or now or, or whenever. And what I'm thinking though, is usually I don't feel this kind of anxiety. I go into a state of terror pretty quickly and then I dissociate and then I end up in the psych ward. And it's a pretty quick process of like a week or a few days. But it seems like instead I've been feeling physical pain or sort of emotional pain. In that little bit of a story comes up, I have a sense of when that is from. So I'm feeling the Forex sensation and feeling when it's from instead of being in terror, quickly dissociating, and having no sense of the time, and where things are coming from, it just feels like terror. And, and that means that things are coming to an end for me right now. So it feels like it's drawn out. So by not maybe tumbling down into the very low states of consciousness so quickly, maybe in so low states, but they're, they're painful, but they're manageable, as opposed to, maybe that's part of the things, the lower states are so painful, that my consciousness can't manage it. So then I dissociate from myself, and I can't, I can't remain myself. And also to, I don't take any extra medication for these pains are these feelings of anxiety, whereas if I go into those extremes, dates, and I dissociate, I end up in the psych ward on extra medication. So I'd rather not take the extra medication and just feel it. I might have already talked about that stuff, because I got lost on my list here. I was thinking about the evolution of consciousness, and why would we go backwards in consciousness? Why would we go down the scale of consciousness, if generally, in life, our body grows bigger, and we don't grow smaller. And, and as we mature, emotionally, usually just sort of gets a little bit more evolved over time. Usually, or, or learning we learn more and more, and that sort of increases our capacity to learn. But it seems like consciousness, it doesn't happen that way. So I could get to a high level of consciousness and then go back down. And I'm wondering if it's sort of because that consciousness isn't ours, it's not personal. It's not my consciousness, that sort of consciousness being expressed through me. So consciousness can change its expression through me depending on how things go. And I almost think it's sort of like breathing. Like we breathe in, we breathe out. And the same with consciousness, we can we go up and down consciousness, especially for people who are in bipolar And in a way, people who are in consciousness of bipolar, sort of more of a barometer of the planet, because we can go up and down consciousness so readily, and it's showing that we're not actually we're not actually our personalities, we are consciousness and are going up and down, and being breathed by consciousness in a way. And I think part of it too, is that when we're caught in that habitual lifestyle, and then consciousness comes in as bipolar and starts breathing us. We're trying to find where we want to actually settle into a different lifestyle, not in that habitual lifestyle. So normally recoveries, to get us back into some kind of habit. Similar to our past habits, whereas this energy is wanting us to live in a completely different way. Living in a life that is beyond habit, because this consciousness is going to come in and disrupt whatever it is we're trying to habitually do. So that would be like trying to climb a wave versus actually just surfing a wave. And so I think part of it is getting with that wave. And just as far out in the beginning of a wave, it's like this huge wave as it gets closer to the shore. It's a very light wave. So I think even though it starts, we're breathing up like this sort of like big waves. Eventually, as it gets to the shore, we probably will even out but that's as long as we're actually going with the wave like where is this wave trying to take us? I think is trying to wave us out of our personality for one. And that's another thing what I was watching that video about learning or neuroplasticity. manic consciousness definitely wants to learn. And it definitely wants to be creative. And not just creative in one little aspect. It wants to be creative in all of life. So how can one make every moment creative act? And since it is a learning process, and it sort of wants this overstimulation, well what kind of overstimulation because the manic energy makes everything overstimulating. And I think part of it has to do with just harvesting mania, going back to that experience, and, and trying to recall, and remember, the rules, the unseen rules, the unwritten rules, it's sort of like giving us a map to this game, seeing how it really works. And then coming back, if we could actually harness that. That might be really powerful, because most people think it works in this linear, logical reductionist way. But I think it works in a different way. And if I think about it, we're in sort of the Age of Reason, and, and Shawn Blackwell talks about spiral dynamics, and the levels of evolution of a worldview and how there's the modern postmodern. And then I think he calls the last one the power of now. way. And the power of now level, he talks about how people will be at this high level of consciousness, but they see there's a place for all levels of consciousness. It's it's not just about trying to get everyone to be this higher level of consciousness, but honoring all levels. And I feel like for example, I'm a vegetarian. But I'm not the kind of vegetarian that feels like everybody should be a vegetarian. I had, if somebody else wants to eat meat, that's whatever. So to me, that would be kind of like a power of now. level of consciousness, because I'm not trying to push my ways on other people. That doesn't help. If other people want to become vegetarian one day cool. I've been vegan and then not vegan. I've been, I've been vegan and then vegetarian. And, and maybe one day, I'll eat meat for some reason, I can't imagine that I will. But I can't say for sure that I want. And part of that level two would be seeing that the mental health paradigm has its place as well. I don't feel like I want to work in it for very much longer but but it does have its place it does help some people it has helped me doesn't mean that I don't want to transcend it because I do want to transcend it. And I think part of transcending it is actually getting with learning what this energy wants me to learn, and stepping into that it's wanting brains to take a certain other function and and when I think about that, when I get back to thinking about that, I think about Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness and how after the level of reason, is actually the level of I think it's love or joy. It could be love and then joy, or just love and enjoy, but I actually feel like when I was in mania, I was in the level of joy, because it actually talks about the sort of oneness of consciousness and how I think actually that level of life is love and joy and there's oneness, like, everything just feels like that joy, every person one meets feels like that joy and one can almost experience that person in that level of joy. And that could be the trouble is that being in that level of consciousness, it's like being in oneness and bringing everyone up to that. But it can only last for so long, because that's not actually the collective resonance of how how life is. So then one sort of gets shot in the other direction in order to compensate. And I think it's not that one can't get back, I think one can get back there. But it's a matter again, of earning it through embodied mania, earning those stages versus waiting for the states to come. Because the states aren't earned. And, and I think the way one earns it is actually earning it, neuro plastically, neurologically, from epigenetics to DNA to glial cells to neurons to, to everything, it has to be really embedded in the neurophysiology. And if you can imagine that, if a person is just a producer, and creator of joy, and just joyful, joyful, joyful, that whole body's going to vibrate with that. But if one gets into that state of joy through mania, and has never been there before, it only makes sense that it's not going to last forever. And sort of it's sort of like lays the foundation of, of some of the neural pathways, but we have to actively build on those neural pathways. And that could be the learning. It's the mania is the learning of the universe that gives us that blueprint. And then it says, Hey, now, now, what are you going to do with this blueprint, and most of us have our, our blueprint crumpled up and thrown away, and, and our brains and our neural pathways medicated in preventing that from happening again. But I think it's important to actually embody one's mania. And I think that's why also altruism as, as part of the healing process is very important. I talked about that paper by Dr. Roger Walsh that says, services need to be redesigned to have altruism, one of the first steps like even when a person is still suffering to help other people. And I think that's part of the magic consciousness, lifestyle. Design is just going out and being randomly helpful and kind. And if I, if I wonder about if I curious about all I have to do is just remember how I was in that state? And why am I not being that way? now. I think going backwards in consciousness is actually a release in entropy in a way. That's like information is released. Whereas in higher states of consciousness, we're able to sort of integrate everything, it's it's sort of everything is one, it's made part of us as we go. Whereas when we come back down, we see ourselves again, as separate and see all this information. And that extra information coming out could actually be part of some of the hallucinations and the delusions and the fear, because we're sort of withdrawn from that state of oneness. And now, from that state of one, there's the many and there's more information coming out. And I think that's part of what's important with coming down to those lower states of consciousness is that it's not really meant as a punishment or anything, but it's meant to show us what it is that we're here to work for, which is to eliminate and alleviate a lot of that suffering that we have to experience within our consciousness because a lot of it that we experienced within our consciousness is not even our own suffering. It's all this extra suffering where they where the heck did this come from? This is so extreme. Well, somebody out there is feeling them. So, again, it's like our own internal compass. It's not to me about recovering one's own personal endeavor. You're all little life. In bipolar we go from feeling oneness, to separateness, to oneness to separateness. Well, how do we feel more of that oneness? How do we create more of that oneness? How do we be that oneness for other people. So we're used to having this consistent personality, but consciousness is actually an oscillation. It's an up and down, because it's just one consciousness. It's not every person has their own consciousness. It's impersonal. And the ego makes things personal. And that's why consciousness comes in and breaks up the ego, and shows us that life isn't personal. It can be very joyous when we don't make it such a personal thing. Earlier today, before I watched that TED talk about neuroplasticity, the woman who healed a major deficit in her brain that she was told she would have for life. I wrote that I really want to help people get their 25 years back, and not just get 25 years back, but see that they have gifts, and that this process is evolutionary, and it's non personal. And we actually have a huge responsibility to, to come together as a neuro tribe to actually help the world, we actually need to help people who think they need to help us. So it's not necessarily about recovering from having a mental illness it's be it's, it's recovering from being labeled as defective. Because just as this woman was able to solve her problem in her brain by just doing a couple of exercises, we might be able to solve our suppose of brain problems by doing a couple of exercises, and I think some of them are random acts of kindness and spontaneous social behaviors, and, and a lot of the things that we're actually doing in mania, but actually doing those consciously with our own will, without the extra energy and help from the universe and not waiting for the universe, to kick us in the butt. Part of what I want to do has something to do with bipolar, Siena's limitation, it's seen as defective. And, and I feel like there's just sort of a missing piece of the puzzle that if we knew it would actually be seen as, as desirable. Just like this lady who was able to do certain exercises in terms of some kind of activity she designed to get her brain to sort of spark on what is it that would make the bipolar brain spark on and actually find some kind of harmony with this world. Because usually, when I've had a crisis of some kind, I'm actually close to thriving. And that could be part of it actually is getting to the upper limits of consciousness. Consciousness throws me back into the mud to say, Oh, you have a lot more to learn. And then I think, well, what would it want me to learn? Seems that wants me to learn about human suffering. And this woman, she changed her brain by doing some kind of exercises that she designed to help that area of her brain. And if a woman can do that, of course, the universe can come in and change our brains with the energy of the universe. If a human can just sit down and go to through through and then then you're, over time change their brain while the universe can come and go and change the brain to and I actually feel like bipolar and these other things that happen to people is actually new cognition. So they talk about cognition and pre cognition. I think this is actually new cognition. This is consciousness evolution. And it's a type of processing we don't fully understand. And I watched another talk this man was so Talking about how the brain is 10% neurons and 90% glial cells, and how the glial cells are much more important than then is ever said or thought. And I actually think that they talk about how flow was transient hypofrontality, the prefrontal cortex turns off, and then all of a sudden, we're more in the present moment, and all these great things, well, it could be shifting more to the glial cells, maybe neurons are actually more like scar tissue than actual, you know, maybe, maybe glial cells, or actually being one with life. It's, it's a mirror of exactly what's out there. And being one with that in the moment, whereas the neurons are thinking about stuff. And I think that the universe wanted us to create all of these structures we have now, but now it's like, Okay, it's time for the prefrontal cortex to shut down, we've created enough to fast, and it's time for it to shut down, and it's shutting it down in a lot of brains, and we're switching to these glial cell processes. And then, and then the brains that are neuron dominant are actually thinking that this is pathology, this happening. But it's actually I think, evolutionary because we don't really need to be abstracting about reality as much now as actually just being one with reality and what we've created and actually enjoying it and being joyful. And I think that's partly what happens in in bipolar is that there's that there's a hypofrontality, that prefrontal cortex abstracting about stuff shuts down, and one is just one with the creative process and being creative, for no particular reason except to be joyous and celebrate. So it's kind of like this time now to sort of enjoy the fruits of the labors of humanity and all the generations before us, and actually slow down, but, but our brains are so programmed into that progress, progress, progress, that we don't really actually enjoy the progress that we've made. And I think that's why the universe is shutting down the prefrontal cortex and, and starting to create different brains. And that's the thing that is consciousness that directs all of this. We can go well, there's DNA, this and DNA that Yeah, that's true to a certain extent. But consciousness is more fundamental than that. Yeah, so new cognition, and it's just a type of processing that we don't understand. And I felt it in the past as information overload. And I'm wondering, too, if this process of self dialog could help with information overload, in that, at least, then I'm speaking, I'm giving voice to some of the information that goes through me. And in that way, sort of making it manifest, instead of sort of having it swirling around inside of me and having to play with my energy through the entropic process. And so it's actually making it manifests instead of just having things always swirling around. Because if manic consciousness is part of the learning process, then by speaking to myself, I'm helping myself learn and integrate what I've learned, and, and part of the learning is to not accumulate and just sort of release it and, and go on to the next thing. And in that way, perhaps, this change in consciousness, which I feel could have something to do with entropy with information, there's the change in consciousness is what releases information from, from the body or wherever it's stored. And then we have access to that information in consciousness and, and going down to the lowest levels of consciousness, we have access to information from those low, low levels of consciousness, especially when we're actually in the bipolar process, because then we're actually more identified with that consciousness than we are with the present moment in our body. So then we have more access to the other information. And it breaks us out of habit. And that's one of the reasons why I feel it's important to not live in habit. So all these things a man in consciousness does, it's important to design into one's Life consciously by our own freewill. Because in mania sometimes the scary part is we feel like we don't have any control. And then when we get control back, we just go back to our own ways, we don't actually listen to what that energy was trying to tell us and not just tell us, show us through making us act certain ways physically. And then, you know, some people hear voices, there's all these different levels of consciousness of the universe trying to communicate with us, and give us some other form of compass then it's like an intuitive compass. And it's a different compass than the one that we're used to from our own ego consciousness. It's those ones, our voice, our own voice, for our own ego, consciousness. Those are all things we got from the outside. Somebody else told us something or media or school or conditioning, we don't listen to what's happening on the inside. And then no wonder sometimes the Inside Energy takes us over and moves us and animates us in ways that are so good in some ways, and then some we don't really want and then when we get out of that energy, we can actually choose because we see we have more degrees of freedom than we originally thought.
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So today is day two of taking one capsule of EMP. I think I've had a little bit less anxiety today. Today, it's kind of sunny out, or at least it was. So I decided to take a Kia Soul for a test drive. Because right now I have a 1992 Toyota Corolla. And that's definitely not going to get me to California. So I'm not sure if I'll be driving a new vehicle, driving my Corolla, taking an airplane or a train. Right now my car has a broken driver's side, outside door handle. So I either have to leave the car open a crack, or climb in the passenger side Batman style. And I don't mind leaving an open a crack. But if it's a hill, then the door actually stays open too far. So I have to lock it, I have to close it. And once I click it, it's, it's in the passenger door for me. And I backed up a few boxes today. As I'm hoping to get everything of my staff my personal stuff into my second bedroom. And I still haven't officially quit my job. But I'll have to deal with that in the next couple of days. Because it's official, I am going to go to California. And after tomorrow and already even could be by today, but I'll say for sure January 1, it'll have been the longest that I've managed to stay out of the psych ward, since I started having relapses. So I had three so called relapses. And it'd be the longest I've managed to not have a relapse. And part of it could be because of this self dialog stuff. I was watching some TED talks today. And one of them. It wasn't particularly interesting, somebody's talking about their experience of bipolar disorder. But one thing she said was having somebody to talk to about it. And and in this process, I at least have myself to talk to you about it. And then I watched another TED talk that says that the best predictor of happiness and, and longevity and things like that. His relationships are having satisfying and meaningful relationships. I actually think that it might be owning a bad day. I just got mine hooked up today, it was a Christmas present. And I haven't tried it yet. I'm a little bit afraid of the cold water, it'll be like Yikes. But I'm actually thinking that they're gonna have to rewrite their 75 year study and say that the actual best predictor of happiness is having a bad day, which is a bump sprayer that goes on your toilet. But second, would definitely be relationships. And I have some really good relationships in my life. Though I would love to be able to have more. Maybe it's not even just relationships, but relating because I did the best when I was living in community mental health community. And then after that I was working in a medical office and there was just a lot of people coming in a lot of relating even though I didn't have super close long term friendships with people there that I did a lot of relating. I was thinking about gestures again today because I was thinking about how even something as simple as letting somebody in in traffic and then they give a wave. It's a gesture. It's a stranger giving a gesture. But in that moment, both people are on the same page. Both people are related. There's this giving and receiving. So one person's giving the gesture the other person's receiving the gesture. And in that moment in that give and receive It's just one relationship is just one thing. It's one consciousness, it's to suppose that individual consciousnesses meeting in this relationship in that both understand what that means. And I think that is sort of the key to oneness, in a way. Because if I'm having a conversation with somebody, and we're talking back and forth and say we're just arguing about opinions, it's two separate things. There's no actual communication there. But the true communication happens when one person is giving the other receiving and both actually know what it means. And that's when to sort of become one. And I think the ability to do that is what's really powerful. And I think that's part of those human dimensions, those inner human dimensions. And it's part of even being playful. being playful like that, both people have to get it. And so what I'm trying to say is that a lot of times in conversations, we're not actually communicating because one person is only holding on to their own stuff. And we're not seeing the same thing together. At the same time. Krishnamurti calls that thinking together when we both see the same thing at the same time. And I feel that's more difficult to do with words. But I think it happens when we are playful, or when we have this gesture. So if I give a gesture of, of a hug, we both kind of know what that means. And, and some people maybe don't want the hugs, they don't receive it. And then maybe they receive it, but not actually receive the gesture of it, they're more thinking that they don't like it, which happens. But what I'm saying when both people see in this given receive in the same realm moment together, then there's that togetherness. And I think those micro moments of togetherness are what are important. And that's part of the whole random acts of kindness and the kind gestures. Even if a person doesn't need the gesture, they still get the intention of the gesture. And if they're receiving the intention of the gesture, it's like the same thing as receiving the gesture. So maybe that's part of the placebo, too, is that there's the intention of the pill and a person takes the sugar pill, the intention of the pill, is to have this healing fact, even though it's a sugar pill. But both the giver of the pill and the receiver of the pill, know that the intention of the pill is to to heal some certain thing. And so it has a healing effect, just like a kind gesture, even though somebody doesn't end up meeting the door held for them, they still receive that kindness. I'm just really thinking about when our minds really meet. I was driving to the dealership today. And somebody had stopped before an intersection in order to let someone out of a driveway. And I noticed that so I stopped to even though I was in the lane over and they could have just gone into the curb lane. But since I stopped to the person did end up driving in front of me. And they the person waved at me and the other person that stopped so and then when that person waved I, I felt I felt good. I felt like oh, I stopped and they did want to go in this lane. So that was that was helpful. And and then the person on their car pulled in front of mine, they had one of those little Jesus fish and I was like, yeah, that was Jesus doing it for you. And I don't mean that in a condescending way I was just like, in a way that was sort of Christ Consciousness looking out for each other and treating each other how we would like to be treated. So it was sort of to me symbolic, because this person obviously was a person of faith. And and they receive the gesture kindly and and it made me feel good as well. And then it just was a little funny that there was the the Jesus fish there. I was watching another TED talk about glial cells and, and their possible connection to mood disorders. The reason I'm just thinking of this is because I've always sort of wondered, well, how does fish oil help with psychosis because there's studies that Fish Oil is, is good for psychosis. It's it's good prevention, it's good as as to keep it from reoccurring. There are studies about that. It's actually on document. I don't know if I talked about it, but there's a document about the different stages of psychosis and, and in the earlier stages of psychosis, it's good to take fish oil. I'm just wondering if fish oil has a role in helping with glial cells somehow. I don't know if that's true. But they definitely say that fish oil helps to repair the hippocampus, which has to do with the fork sensation, and things like that. And then I watched another TED talk, and it was talking about neuroplasticity. And this lady who she had a problem with her brain her whole life. And when she was 25, she learned about neuroplasticity, and developed certain exercises for her brain to repair that area. And when she was able to do that, also, then she could tell time, and then all of a sudden, she could read philosophy, whereas the her whole life, she had no comprehension of what so ever It was like gibberish to her. And I was sort of thinking about how I was talking about neuroplasticity before. And I have this feeling like I have to go back and watch some of my videos to sort of remember what I was even talking about, because I don't know. And also to maybe re extrapolate some of it, I don't know. But she was talking about how she was able to repair that area of her brain that she was born with having a deficit in. And there was another person she came across who had the same deficit, but because of a gunshot wound. So she was born with it. And then once she learned how to, once you learn where the problem was exactly, she learned how to develop exercises in order to get that part to pretty much repair. And I've already talked about how I think there's neuroplasticity in bipolar. But what got me thinking was that that even if there are some kind of deficits or brain damage that occurred during the process of mental illness, neuroplasticity says that it can be fixed and healed. And I know there's things like cognitive behavioral therapy, but that's not exactly the same thing as as this neural plasticity thing, and maybe it's because they've never really identified exactly where or damaged, though they do show things that are going on with the prefrontal cortex, which I feel the prefrontal cortex is more just noise anyway. So to me, part of the neuroplasticity of bipolar or mental illness is to shut down the areas of the brain that are overactive. That and it's possible it does that in order to conserve energy for these new areas of the brain to turn on again. And I talked about these atrophied circuits that we have, and how we over rely on our prefrontal cortex. And then so eventually, that sort of short circuits and part of Elise in the bipolar process, all these other circuits come online and, and everything seems so new. And I actually feel like neuroplasticity in general is is shut down by our habitual ways of being. And the ways we've been taught that learning is memorizing. And so I've talked about how I feel like this manic energy in this energy is trying to reignite the brain in order to learn again, well, what is learning? It's neuroplasticity, that's what's required. So alert, learning is synonymous with neuroplasticity. And so I feel like in that manic consciousness, all this neuroplasticity is happening all this new growth or this reactivation of old circuits. And when that's when the environments not supporting that, those sort of, they're attempting to turn on and they just go, again, because somebody is received and sort of medicated into submission. And I think those areas of the prefrontal cortex go offline in favor, like these abstracting of old things and regurgitating old information that goes offline, in favor of newness and learning and we're in this hyper learning state. But the environment isn't such, like I talked about. It's not designed for people to remain in that type of consciousness. And one of the TED Talks I was watching, I think it was the same lady. They talked, she talked about how, how rats in very stimulating environments learn faster. So I feel like manic consciousness puts the brain into a state where the environment is overstimulating, in order to facilitate learning. So, for me, I remember six years ago, when I got back from California, I looked around my same old neighborhood, my same old house, my same old everything, and everything felt new. And everything felt fresh, and everything felt possible, and everything felt like I could see how something could be designed into something really cool. And I felt very creative. Whereas Normally, I would just feel like normal, I would have been adapted to most things. So all of a sudden, my brain was no longer adapted to my situation. So it turns, the brain turns into a hyper learning device. And everything seems so interesting, and, and creative. In order for the brain to learn, I think those two sort of things happening are one in the same, the brains learning, so everything seems new, and everything seems new. So the brain is learning. And the main thing that I got out of watching a few TED talks today was that we have neural plasticity. So even if there is some kind of damage or defect, which I don't feel there is I think the defect is in the way reality is designed and how we've designed it as this present of staying alive instead of a place of really feeling and being alive. So then I think back to my question, what would a manic do? A manic would get a Kia Soul, and drive to California, even though I will have zero money and see what happens. And part of it is manic lifestyle design. And I talked about lifestyle design. I feel like right now. At least I'm slowly sort of getting myself in alignment with manic lifestyle design. And I feel like my brain wants to go into hyper learning and it wants to go into relationship again. And I've spent a lot of time alone these last couple of months. And I'm still managing but I haven't. I haven't been 100%. So I think one of the questions is how to activate that hyper learning, not necessarily mania. It's one thing to have this energy come in and activate all those different possibilities, those different domains and dimensions of our being that we don't normally have access to. But I feel like it gives us that hint, it gives us that clue. And just like how they said a rat in overstimulating environment learns much faster. The Magic energy gives us that overstimulating environment. But can we sort of create this lifestyle design this manic lifestyle design, where we will be learning faster? And not only that, not only learning faster, but what is it that this energy is wanting us to learn? And I talked about things like oneness and and what does that even mean? I almost feel like synchronicity in a way is personal. It's like meaningful coincidences that are personal for me. It's not necessarily a synchronicity for somebody else. When I have a synchronicity by by being playful, and trying to create these micro relationships, these these oneness moments, we're both people are really on the same wavelength no matter what wavelength that is. giving and receiving of gestures and knowing what that means. I feel like that's a way of synchronizing. So it's not necessarily synchronicity. So it's one thing for the universe to create meaning for me. But it's another it's another thing for me to create meaning for somebody else, through kind gestures. And I was thinking again about how relationship heals. And I was thinking about my experience in the psych ward and April, now is the worst day ever, and I was on medication that was making me worse. And then a woman showed up that I know and, and we just had a 10 minute chat, and then she left and I felt so much better. And it was like the relationship was so much more powerful. And I was thinking about the relationship in particular, obviously, she didn't show up to judge me. She just showed up to say hi, and due to I don't think she had an agenda. She just brought me some kombucha, wanted to say hi, and see how it's doing for 10 minutes, not Oh, stay for an hour and like, console me or anything. She just wanted to stop by and, and that was enough. But I feel it's, it's really the unconditional ness of it, and the non judgement, and not trying to do anything. It was just a gesture of kindness. And what I'm trying to say with that is that even helping somebody, or trying to help somebody sometimes can be a sort of aggressive, masculine, violent energy. And I'm not talking about overtly violent, but there's a subtle violence, I'm actually trying to help somebody because we almost think that the way that we're trying to help is the way they need help. So I'm just saying, for example, if she would have showed up with like a worksheet of how to solve emotional problems, not that she would have, I think I would have been a little bit like, but she just showed up to say hi, and just have a chat. So there was no agenda, there is what I'm trying to say. She wasn't trying to do anything. And I guess part of that has to do with what I was listening to with the Shawn Blackwell videos, because I'm up to like video 19 now, but he was talking about in some of his videos of the importance of just being with somebody who's in distress and not trying to do anything to them, being with them, not trying to do anything to them not trying to fix. And there was another podcast I listened to quite a while ago. And invisibie Leah podcast, and it was on that exact thing was that trying to fix actually hinders a person's healing. And part of that too, is because a person knows how they need to heal. It's a matter of just having loving support in order to do so. I think that's another reason I have trouble with pure support, even because it's not supposed to be goal oriented, but they've set it up that way. Because, you know, they have to measure some kind of result. You know, if you don't write down a goal, well, then nothing's gonna happen and nobody's going to achieve anything. I think it's setting up expectations. There's, it's there's so many things that I've never done goal setting in my entire period of time since I was diagnosed. Nobody's actually sat down with me and had goals. And I've done a lot of good stuff. I've had a lot of support, a lot of relationship, a lot of fun, a lot of laughter, a lot of playfulness, a lot of those inner human dimensions that I talked about, and none of this whole Oh, you got to tell me what it is you're going to try to do. Because that actually limits what it is a person can actually accomplish. Because once you have a fixated goal, then you're going to miss out on everything else. I don't really believe in goal setting and I don't believe in focusing and I don't I believe in being alert and attentive and, and awake. And that doesn't imply focusing. So I'm hoping 2017 will be a year of embodied mania. And I don't even remember all the stuff that I said about that. Maybe I can attempt to try to create that without going back to listen to what I said, because then I just get caught in that trap of overthinking things. I know I said stuff about harvest your mania bodying, mania? Learning neuroplasticity? So it's a matter of what do I want to learn? How do I want my brain to be? neuro plastic? I think part of the trouble is that the stuff that I want to talk about are sort of taboo in the community, where I have a lot of my friends and acquaintances. Things about coming off of medication, things about there's gifts in mental health conditions as they're seen. And as part of conscious evolution, it's part of the evolution of consciousness. And I think Shawn Blackwell actually sums it all up the best in terms of easy to follow videos. And a lot of what I've talked about, is similar in his work, I talked about scrambling the ego, he talks about a collapse of the ego. And the ego is what prevents learning because it already knows everything. It's always talking about what it knows. And so one can't be on the lookout for new things to learn, because it's talking about what it knows. So yeah, I just really like how I came across that TED talk that talked about neuroplasticity in terms of a brain deficit that a woman had for 25 years that she was born with. And if she can do something to change that, then I think I can do something to neuro plastically change if there are any things that are, are sort of faulty in my brain. And they're not necessarily faulty per se, but they're limiting me from something. I think part of it is that we need to collaborate and communicate, and actually join brains. I think part of it is that neuroplasticity isn't just about Oh, me my brain and learning, you know, I could learn to do cartwheels all day long. And that would change my brain in a certain way. Or I could learn to actually join brains and think together with other brains who think in this way. And I think that is what's going to allow these neuro types these neuro tribes to, to develop right now people with a diagnosis of a mental health condition are seen as defective. And they're seen as they're seen as less than, and we might be sort of less than apparently, in individually. But if we actually come together, and start talking together about our brain and our, our experiences in this way, and then we see Wow, it's so common, like we're actually a neural tribe. And then when we see we're a neural tribe, it's what do we create beyond that, and I think we're going to create a different reality that is actually more in alignment with how our brains want to learn. Instead of just consuming TV and all this mundane stuff. When we go into manic consciousness, our brain is so powerful that we don't even really gravitate towards those mundane things like TV, and we are out looking at the flowers and they're telling us their life story and we're extrapolating that to the sun and, and everything is just completely. Anyway, I think it has something to do with the brain wanting to learn. And I think manic energy puts us in that energy where everything seems so new, the environment is stimulating and we're learning and when we're in that state, we learn different rules of reality of what's actually congruent with human nature. And then we come back, and we get pathologized. But we can still work towards harvesting what we learned in that state in order to create that world for real, not just in brain states. But how do we make that break brain state mirrored in our external reality? When somebody invents something and starts with a vision, well how can we invent that vision that we saw in manic consciousness?
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I got an email with some tips in it. And one of the tips was to know your way of sabotaging yourself. And I thought it was kind of funny because the other day I decided that I really need to start consciously sabotaging myself sabotaging the whole life that I've built in preparation for taking off to California for a little while. And part of it's because it seems like this bipolar energy wants to destroy it was experiencing a lot of so called anxiety around my job. And then something else happened that gave me more anxiety on top of the job thing, and, and I feel like that something else happening was actually to give me more anxiety in order to see that the path I was headed down wasn't good, because I hadn't really been able to see that. And it also showed me some of my weaknesses. And so I have been feeling a lot of energy going through my body, and some of it has been quite painful. So I can't really say that it's fun. And I also feel though, that by not really labeling it bad or good. If I've labeled it bad, it's going to make it it's going to make it worse, or it's going to make it fearful. And that's when I feel like it's possible that those other fearful thoughts and associations can come in. So I've just been sitting with it in terms of the feeling of the energy of it. And not really making up any stories about it. So it passes. And then it comes back. Today I went out and I got myself some EMP. It's something that one has to be careful taking well taking psych meds because it can sort of make one overmedicated in a way. least that's what they say. Especially with lithium, and that's what I'm taking. But I figure that since I'm I used to be taking a mineral supplement, just to use it up it was like a kelp based mineral supplement. And then when I ran out of that I was taking some minerals in the form of Sheila G, which is that black tar looking stuff. And I would just put it in my yerba Mattei a tea. And I ran out of that. And since then I haven't had like a multi mineral of any kind of had. I do take zinc and magnesium. But I haven't had a broad spectrum supplement. And they're in pretty small doses. But since I've been experiencing so called symptoms, then I would think that my medication isn't really quite working to its full degree because the stress I've experienced is extra stress. So that's why I'm going to take this just one a day. I also had to research today, psych wards in California to be prepared if that happens when I'm in California, and would probably cost me close to 10 grand. So I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. But at the same time, I don't think it will. So I'm willing to take that risk. I was wanting to drive down there in my old car but my family is really not liking that idea because it'll be winter time. So I have to figure out if I'll just take a train or a plane and try and get a car down there something because I don't really want to be in the sort of secluded area I'll be in without a car. Today I also took back my sharps container had a big container of used syringes because I used to inject b 12 until I found out that that wasn't the best kind of B 12 for me My naturopath, I did that DNA test through 23andme. And he told me to take the other kind of B 12, which is hydroxy b 12. For me, specifically, everybody's individual, of course. So it's really interesting to me whenever I think I'm doing something good for myself, but it turns out that I'm really not. And I think though that at the same time, there's somewhat of a placebo effect of if I'm doing something good for myself, or at least I think I am, then maybe it does some good because at least, I'm attempting to care about myself. And the placebo, I feel a lot of it is actually the underlying gesture of love and caring that is what causes the positive change, not necessarily what is in the pill, or what is done in surgery. So if there was any kind of bad effect from actually doing that to myself, it's possible, it was partly negated by the fact that I thought I was doing something good for myself. Unlike something like smoking, one can never think that this is good for me, when less than one thing since good for them emotionally, who knows, like people might even be able to negate that. So. So yeah, I got rid of that sharps container, because I won't be injecting any more of that. So be interesting to see if I feel any better than I have in the last two weeks or so on this EMP, because that's really, my goal is to transcend the need for the mental health system. I think it's partly been a good experience, feeling this inner turmoil and being able to stay in order as Tom Wooten would say. Because it's sort of like practicing having that turmoil and, and it not getting to a point where it's spirals out of control. And I was thinking about my past experience in psychosis and how, when I think about it, I, I look back and I say, I remember that I thought, XYZ. I thought I was being framed for murder, I thought this or that, and and I believed those things. So there's this process of thinking something and believing it. But I feel like there's something to the fact that most people would probably say, I thought, this, or I thought that. And what I'm trying to point out is that it's not about this or that. It's about I thought it was just a thought. And so normally, we're always thinking about stuff, and we don't take it to be disorderly, we actually take it to be part of our life. And then when that process extends further outside the field of what is okay to believe, then it's called pathological but we're believing thoughts all the time that have no relevance right now and aren't actually facts. So we take those thoughts that are classified as hallucinations or delusions and and there's something we believed we didn't believe them, then it wouldn't necessarily be a hallucination or delusion. It would just be a passing Daydream or fantasy or or idea or something like that. But I feel I talked about before that it's thought in general, it's not necessarily some thoughts are good and some thoughts are bad. It's it's the process of thinking itself that has no real basis in reality at all. And if we knew that from the start, then maybe we wouldn't even believe our regular thoughts. And then we wouldn't even really have that kind of process going that could get out of hand. And if it did, we would see well That's strange. Like that was just a thought. And also that thought, isn't love. Thought isn't part of the state of love and Krishna Marie would say negate all of that, which is not love and love will be. It's not like we can actually try to do something in order for love to be there in terms of a state of love. So I have to consciously self sabotage myself out of the system. And out of the place that I live, and listen to a talk this morning by Dr. mercola. And it was an interview he was doing with another doctor. And he was talking about heart disease and heart attacks. And how, as not much to do with the whole plaque thing. But he was talking about how blood flows through the body, not by the pumping action of the heart. But by the fact that the walls of the arteries and capillaries and things are negatively charged, and then the blood is positively charged. And that difference in charge is actually what creates most of the whole flow of the blood. And he said, what actually charges the vessels of the blood are sunlight, and earthing or contact with the earth as well as human touch. So putting hands on somebody else. And I thought that was really interesting, because I have studied before how everything is really good because we absorb electrons through our feet. And the electrons are used preferentially as antioxidants as well in redox reactions. So that's how the body detoxifies things. So this is another level of the importance of that, in that we absorbed the electrons and that helps to charge our blood vessels in order for blood to flow properly. And I was wondering, in terms of mental health, like Can, can blood properly even get to the brain and through the brain and everything if we don't have the proper charge in our body, if we don't have electrons from the sun and from the earth. And it could have something to do with the whole seasonal affective disorder thing, too. I remember a time years ago, I was I had this chronic fatigue like syndrome thing, and I felt really terrible. And then I went to California for a weekend or something. And I felt almost normal there. And it could have been just being connected to the earth and getting a lot of sunshine that it helps the blood move in the body. So I would have to do a lot more reading on that topic to really understand it fully. But I feel like it also applies globally in terms of how we're damming up all the rivers and the rivers are like the capillaries of the earth. And water flow is what sort of circulates electrons as well. So we're doing it on a global scale. And we're doing it to ourselves, just on an individual level as well. And I was thinking, well, this gives me even more reason to go to California because there's sun there and I can go barefoot whereas right now here, there's snow on the ground. And I was thinking about the term projection because I was thinking about the mind screen and how our mind screen isn't blank. And we're sort of super imposing our own projections over that. And I think that's part of the whole laser light of our AI process. It's not actually empty, it's not silent, our eyes aren't silent. So we're projecting our words outwards as well. And we don't even really know it because we can't see that we're doing it but we are doing it. And we often hear about things like having a silent mind. And I just wonder if we can have silent eyes. Are we looking with silent eyes that makes it a little bit perhaps easier to grasp? Like when I look at this box on the floor, is it Am I looking with all this noisy words coming out of my eyes or am I letting that come to me because If my eyes are silent, that information can come to me and sort of tell me a story. Whereas if I'm putting my story on to things, and that's preventing me from really seeing. And I feel the process of map consciousness is trying to get brains to think with other brains. And that's why the experience is very similar a lot of the time. And it's trying to get universes to think together, because we're each a separate universe. It came across this video of me skating on rollerblades. When I was in mania the very first time and I could skate in ways that I'd never skated before, I never thought to escape that way. I didn't even know I could skate that way. And so I was thinking that that mania is actually closer to our innate ability that we don't even know we have, because we probably never even thought to try to do that. So I, part of it is that we get more creative with ourselves. We become creative with ourself. And it just makes me think of that, saying, I am what I was looking for. And how can we find herself in that wave, we're always talking about something else. In our own mind. We're not receiving ourselves with emptiness and wonder we're actually receiving ourselves with chatter. And then we think we are that chatter. And then when the chatter gets out of control one day in terms of something like so called psychosis, then we think we're crazy when maybe we're a little bit crazy to begin with, because we're busy chattering about stuff that has nothing to do with anything. And mania makes us way more sensitive to nature. When we're not chattering about abstractions, we're more sensitive to nature. And in that state of feels like nature talks to us and our own nature talks to us as well. We're hearing words of our own nature by being fully engaged. And map consciousness is like wandering consciousness. And it could perhaps wander more when we're in such a habitual routine. It eventually could wander off on us. And sometimes that happens if we do actually go on a trip or something because we come back to this habitual routine, and our consciousness decides it wants to continue to wander, like we were wandering physically. In my earlier videos, I was talking more about embodied mania. And that's part of the self sabotage processes embodying mania and getting back to that happiness for no reason, that joy for no reason. Can I have that joy for no reason? Without the reason of mania, without that actual energy there? If that energy can come and take me over, then can I create that without having to wait for it to take me over at a time? When that's not helpful? Can I design my life in such a way that I can welcome that energy and it won't really affect my life because my life is in alignment with that energy, not in alignment with with contrived habit and routine. And I don't know if it's possible, but no amount of real planning will bring that about it has to be done by sabotaging things. What if the story of my life was in such a way that my brain doesn't have to make up stories about other things as in so called hallucinations and delusions because I'm not stuck in habitual thought patterns or, or traumatic thought patterns that the brain is trying to get me to see outside of even if it's not really congruent with reality. That's the whole point. If it was congruent with reality, it would just be reality. habit and routine our love, thought is not love. Definitely had no habits or routines when I was in mania that time. People are trying to stay consistent with a bundle of thoughts and words in one's own mind that one takes to be oneself. And these hallucinations and delusions actually are trying to break us out of that habit out of that routine. Maybe that's one of the main things it's trying to do is break habit and routine is not necessarily trying to, like transport us to some better reality, or some terrifying hell, but just breaking us out of the habit and routine of thought that we're in. And it creates us to act in different ways. And some of them we might not like if we, again, try to superimpose our thoughts, structures and our preferences on it, but it's still definitely breaking us out of habit. And routine, unfortunately, often puts us in a paradigm of being medicalized because of that, but why are we not comfortable with less habit and routine and a lot of it's to do with functionality. This could be actually really important because the world is moving towards more and more mechanization of things that don't require humans to do. Like factory workers and, and even bank tellers, there's less and less banks, actual locations needed. So there's so many of these jobs that are going to be eliminated, and, and they keep talking about how a person has to be creative, and, and full of ideas, and all these things that are very hard to mechanize. And it's interesting, because the energy of mania creates a human being that is exactly what is needed, in terms of a non mechanical human being who's very creative. And all of these capacities that one has, it's pretty much how the new human being has to be. And we go into that state as a reaction to being so mechanized and turned into just a habit, just a machine basically. And so, we break out of the machinery of thought into this creative thought and and then the whole machine of society wants to dampen that energy that's, that's going through people and, and it could be seen as something that it's completely necessary. And that's actually what I was talking about with harvest ones mania is that perhaps one day, most people will be like that, because we won't actually condition people into robots in the first place, which is what happens through education and family systems. Because a lot of what happens in mania is breaking away from all one's past conditioning, and doesn't mean that everybody in mania is the same. Everybody is uniquely themselves. And they're actually very different from each other. But they have these similar capacities. So I just think it's really interesting that they talk about, oh, we need these creative people. Or that's how people are going to have to be if they're going to survive, because there's not going to be these sort of jobs that are out there right now for people. And so and even if it got to a point where the people that aren't creative, could still live, like they were fed, and they are clothed and all that they could still live, but they wouldn't have any kind of job. But society took care of them. Probably 1% of people would be all creative, and then the rest would be taken care of. But then what would be the point of life if somebody doesn't have any meaning or purpose. It could be the meaning of life to actually embody one's mania to get in alignment with that energy. That is the creative force through us.
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When Consciousness goes through our nervous system, it creates a version of ourselves. Or it's creating some of the projections of thought in terms of past and future. Who unconscious consciousness goes through our nervous system and, and there's no distortion by thought, then it's sort of our original Light Body version of ourself, our original trajectory. So the field of consciousness is the field of consciousness, but then it sort of interacts with the field of thought, which could be actually stored in the body. So those thoughts, those words are stored in our body in our DNA, they're going through our nervous system, and, and they're distorting the original consciousness, which is love. And the level of the thought is sort of what determines the level of consciousness. But normally, we just let this process go on, we don't see what we're doing. I feel like that Universal Consciousness is spontaneity. But thought, bad is the thing that stops us, there's like that spontaneous energy. And then the thought comes in, and explains it away. And then explain something in our own voice that we feel is us in order to remain consistent, and to not actually experience more of the spectrum of consciousness. And normally, we try to actually erase our state by having better thoughts, but really thought is still interrupting that spontaneous energy. So there's a difference between being in a state of joy, being in a spontaneous state of joy and thinking something joyful. Whereas if we were in a spontaneous state of joy, we might think something joyful. And since manic consciousness is so spontaneous and joyful, but most of society and people aren't that way, it can seem rather odd. It's like being spontaneous and joyful for no reason. And the no reason part is the part that is somewhat disturbing. But it's reasons that actually prevent spontaneous joy. Because reason is thought. And on the scale of consciousness of Dr. David Hawkins reason is actually below. Joy. I watched a quick Bernie brown clip, as you said, is rarely the response that helps it's the connection. Responses words, what is connection? Something more subtle than the words you would think that the words would be more powerful because they're actually something. A connection might just be a look in the eyes or a touch on the shoulder. I wrote down that the ego is preoccupation. Or we preoccupied with the past and the future. Why aren't we occupied with the now? The preoccupation is in the prefrontal cortex. We're preoccupied with our own prefrontal cortex. And we're missing all of this. And then some, some of us get connected with this and mania map consciousness. We're like, Oh, my God, look where I am in the most beautiful place in the universe. And then regular consciousness people come and say new. No, no, you're just crazy. We're gonna go back to our prefrontal cortex and so should you. Map consciousness is like a giant sound check. Like one can hear the sound of love the voice of love, one can feel the love that makes all of us grow and all the plants grow. It's the love that made sense all its life. I was reading a little bit about the Meisner technique and acting and sounds kind of like embodied mania in a way because it's like, just do it. Don't act like you're doing it, do it. And it seems like people need to be more like that in reality I could create some games to illustrate embodied mania. I thought of a game called yes mania. Because there's that movie Yes, man. Yes, mania. What would a manic person do? And in the training he talked about as you train, the acting comes not from the head, but from impulses. So it's almost like he was trying to train impulses back into people. But we've pretty much in society determined that impulses aren't good. Because those often could be out of alignment with consistency. But life perhaps is built on impulses, impulses, spontaneity. And he also talked about how good acting comes from the heart. There is no mentality in it. That's what I wonder with embodied mania is if good living comes from the heart. If there's no mentality in it, I think with map consciousness, the universe is provoking us to perform, to get in touch with our instincts, our spontaneity. We need to act from the heart and not mentalize everything. Feel like normal people have mental eyes, eyes blocked by their own mentation and abstractions. We need to have heart based eyes and have more heartache than instead of mentation. I think heart station is a term for thinking, seeing and perceiving with the heart. And for that one has to see through one's own meditationes, the heart is likely seeing things as they are now and the mind is saying reasons. from the past. I think I already talked about how I saw that when you hear and see something that it's active learning. Whereas if you just read something, it's passive learning. So I'm definitely engaged in active learning with myself. I was thinking about empathy, plus empowerment. And I think the two together equal seeing somebody possibility. Working in mental health, I have a lot of empathy for people. But I think that I get stuck there because I lack the empowerment factor, being able to empower somebody. And perhaps it's because I don't see the possibility is much like within the mental health system. So I think by by switching to something more empowering, I'll be able to support people to see possibility for themselves more so than if they remain in the mainstream paradigm. I also realized that this energy, this extra energy of map consciousness, wants to love and learn. Feel I just need to keep unfolding possibility in the spirit of love and learning. I haven't really talked about the fly video that I made. I called it the fly whisperer. And a bunch of flies hang out with me on a coconut for like an hour. And at the time, I really felt like it was an important happening in my life because it sort of showed that at a certain level of consciousness, when really is one with all of life to the point where life isn't afraid of itself. Life isn't afraid of life. And it doesn't matter what the form of life it is because some of those flies knew that I wasn't going to squash them because I wasn't I wasn't afraid of them. I wasn't grossed out by them. I wasn't judging them. I was curious about them. I was playing with them. I was interested in them. I respected them. I feel love towards them. I thought they were cute. And I was interested in their dynamics. Seems like that's when my brain started working that way. Just realize that we are that consciousness or not the ego me. And that one consciousness can animate us or we can be distorted by the personal ego. That personal ego distortion has created this whole complex mess of society. Feel like mental illnesses actually distress of the heart. Like the heart is perceiving now, how far are we, the mind has moved from the heart. From the hearts desires. It's like a calling of synchronicity. It's almost like synchronicity is increased coincidences in order for one to get back on the path of the heart, because if one was to rely on the mind, and its plans and its goals, one would only end up way further away from one's heart. So the heart beats in a certain way to create synchronicity to reacquaint one with the magic of life as opposed to the distress of mentalization. And it's like mental illness is like light club, we've been told not to talk about light cloud, we've been told not to talk about our experiences or invite our inner light. Maybe we need to talk about that light. And psychosis is like virtual actuality. We have virtual reality stuff now. But psychosis is like virtual actuality. It's, it's like virtual reality. But in actuality, I feel like bipolar is like playing out of bounds. It's going out of bounds of consciousness out of the bounds of what we're allowed to experience in consciousness. We have these inner boundaries. And when we go outside of those, that territory seems scary, because it's something unrecognizable, it's something we haven't experienced before. So medications are a way of keeping us from going out of bounds. When in baseball, the object of the game is to hit the ball out of bounds could be the same with life. Because the boundaries are our limits that have been imposed upon us. And we stay within those limits because of fear. And then if we go out of the limits, generally, we're told that something that we should fear when it could be love itself, that pushes us out of bounds. I listened to Dr. Daniel Fisher's talk that he gave. And it's on the emotional CPR website. And he talks about how psychosis is an attempt to solve a problem, the symptoms of psychosis. And he says, psychiatrists and gives medications and he says, this is going to buy you some time, it's not going to solve your problems. And that's a great way of looking at it. And then you talked about how only a person and the people around them can solve once problems, and that we all have an inner healer. And I think for me that our inner healer is our own voice. And I think by doing this self dialogue, I've been activating my inner healer. Because if I would just believe the mainstream paradigm, I would actually be using my own voice against me by saying their words to me in my voice in my head, and that would limit me. And he said that it's most important to give people options to move towards what they feel is going to help them and I agree and that's why I would like the option to come off my meds yet there's not really a system in place to make that easier for people to do. And to go with that, I think that pushing people away from who they are at a young age through education, and training people to think that X, Y, Z is gonna make them happy and make every single person happy is the thing that precipitates suppose mental illness symptoms in the first place. So I still think even just helping people to avoid the system, or come out of the system is still not even the root of it. And I won't talk about the route now, but and he also talked about the importance of restoring a sense of self, and meaning. And I think that's super important. And that's why I feel like in earlier videos, I talked quite a bit about making meaning out of the process. Instead of it being a meaningless mental illness, if it has some kind of meaning in the process. Well, that alone will give me hope to feel that there's some kind of meaning in the process itself, even if I haven't yet connected to a greater meaning of my life. Because if I just think, Oh, this is meaningless, suffering, and this is going to affect me my whole life, that's going to give no hope at all. And that's part of what I don't agree with in the system either. And Dr. Fisher talked about how the system robs people of hope, nother thing he talked about was that he had a doctor who said that with each psychotic experience, that he improved, so Dr. Fisher went through stuff himself and his doctor each time he had an episode said, you're getting better. Whereas there is the general thing going around where every time you have an episode, you are going to get worse and worse and worse. And in my case, it hasn't been true either. I've had five episodes, and I'm, I'm not any worse than I was, before it started even any mentioned how in other countries, sometimes they'll say like, Oh, it was a bad spirit, now it's gone. And people actually recover a lot better in developing countries, because they don't have this long term chronic story happening with all this medication. I rather think, oh, that was just a bad spirit. All the bad spirits are coming again, rather than Oh, my gosh, my brain is deteriorating and getting destroyed, and I'm going to be a vegetable for the rest of my life. And that's the thing too, is that I feel people can actually come out of this all better than ever. That is yet to be shown for a lot of people. Most people get trapped with the medication. And there are no tapering strategies and protocols just naturally in place for when a person's ready to, to be done with that. So people get stuck on it for long periods of time. And I think it's important to to make it mysterious, it is a mystery. And making meaning out of the process and saying, well, it happened because this happened in my life. And it means I'm not supposed to do this anymore in my life, I'm gonna do this instead. And moving towards a healthier lifestyle design as well as a healthier life, well, then that's a meaningful process. But generally, it's funneled into a worse and worse fate over time. And he said, it's important for people to just be with us through the process and witnessed us and be unconditionally loving. And I've talked about that, too. He said, being with somebody in a fearless way, I would say a love more way. I wonder why we need the light of a loving eye. I feel like if a person is able to hold that state of unconditional love, they're able to shine that light on a person who's in lower and lower states of consciousness. And they're able to rise up through the levels of consciousness to the level of unconditional love, as opposed to being in those awful low states of consciousness and someone comes along with fear, and then cuts them off to psych ward, for instance, versus someone being in those states and someone able to be able to bear witness to that, even if it is a bit strange, and allow them to sort of flower up into those higher levels till they're in that place where they're able to be integrated to some degree. And actually, that could just be part of the placebo effect thing I was talking about how, how it's the gesture. They talk about how you know a person receiving a pill often does the same. If If The sugar pill often does the same as the actual treatment, because they feel they believe they're going to get better. I feel like that loving witnesses needed to actually hold for the person that they are going to get better. So that person with the loving eyes is able to be a placebo in a way, because in those awful states of consciousness, one feels like one's never gonna get through it. And it feels so painful and scary and terrorizing. It's almost like a mother, cradling their child after having a terrible, terrible, terrible nightmare, it takes a little while for the child to calm down. For the love of the mom is enough. So if a person is able to be that placebo, where the opposite is almost when somebody comes at a person who's in an altered state with fear, they are in a way a no cebo, they make it worse. And in those states of consciousness, since one doesn't have one's ego walls protection up, however it is that the person is approached is how they're going to actually be received. And that is going to change their outcome substantially, because they're in an innocent state, innocent in a way that they don't have those normal protections up of the ego. So they're more at the mercy of, of a person who is approaching them. So most people aren't approached with love, they're approached with, with fear with force. And then people act in kind because their level of consciousness is perceiving that and they they can't rationally not be afraid, they don't realize that somebody is trying to help them. And that doesn't really seem like the most amazing form of help. The placebo of loving, I've not really tried to do anything in particular, but create safe space. I have an example of this, I have a video that I posted, but I haven't shared yet. of one of the times I was in psychosis, big time. Probably one of the scariest times for sure. We need to change our approach to each other. That's why I want to bring ecpr here because people will perhaps be approached with more unconditional love. And he also talked about how relationships are most important in recovery. And I definitely agree with that. And he talked about how he created the national Empowerment Center and its people first before pills. And he talked about ecpr and how he's very grateful for the people from Mental Health First Aid for developing Mental Health First Aid because it made people with lived experience so angry that they developed ecpr made quite a few videos today, and I kind of want to keep going because tomorrow, it'll probably be really noisy in here from the traffic because it's pretty quiet right now because of the snow. I just read an article by Steve pavlina. And he was talking about blaming others as opposed to blaming one's own internal mental or emotional capacities are sort of relevant with what I'm going through with my job because I don't feel like I can focus on it or I don't feel motivated and I don't think it's my fault. I think that It's not right for me it's right for somebody. I'm just not seeing myself as faulty for not being able to do it. So yeah, I would blame the external on that one for sure. I feel like math consciousness is an act of compassion, to disconnect us from our programming to see that we're beyond our programming. And so consciousness can travel away from the body to show us a larger perspective.
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I feel like when trauma happens, what happens is a person's perception is damaged in that they're unable to perceive the world without fear. And if people get medicated, they're punished and locked up for being traumatized. So they're traumatized again. I feel like in spiritual emergence, there's something else guiding and directing behavior is probably love. came across this Einstein article letter thing, and he was saying how equals mc squared is actually supposed to be equals love times c squared. And neural tribes. People with similar brains have to stick together. And I feel like this bipolar brain thing is an emergent neuro tribe. Because the growth of the brain is dependent on being relational and communicating with each other. So it's important to start communicating in these ways in order for that relational neural tribe to actually develop otherwise remains in isolated human brains. Maybe that's the thing. The whole medicating people into a band aided ego state is to keep them separate and actually believing them selves to be a part of a mental illness neural tribe, a tribe of defective people. Because these new communication, and new information circuits need to grow. If we don't talk about them, they're going to atrophy. And the brain is not an independent entity. It doesn't exist in isolation. It exists in relationship to all that is around it in its environment, it's actually a mirror of the environment. But what is it that the brain could mirror outward into the environment if we started being relational in these ways, and talking about these processes and other ways besides being defective and and saying that one should isolate? I think in my consciousness, our brains become like puzzle pieces. And we actually need each other and we need to communicate with each other in these ways. And actually think that's part of map consciousness. In ego consciousness, we actually have these separate brains. But for map consciousness, to really take hold and to hold us, we must be together, we must be us. Because otherwise, a certain brain grows into the map conscious state. And then ego centered brains come in and just stomp on it. But if there were more people relating in this way that then individual brains couldn't be stomped on and said, You're defective, take these pills and, and keep to yourself. I want us to have our brains back. But we need to be together. Because I feel like when we go into map consciousness, the reasons why so many of us have very similar perceptions and experiences, because it's that oneness is that one consciousness, it's a fundamental part of us. It's our fundamental nature becomes so distracted that that part of our nature has become foreign to us. If there's an experience in consciousness that the ego can't measure, the brain needs to create new categories for it. And as categories are created and healed, it becomes a game. I feel like thought is an accumulation. So when one goes into mania, one goes above the world of thoughts into new thoughts, but then when one comes back down into regular consciousness, one has to again, face the accumulation of personal collective thoughts, which is the past. So really, in mania, we're trying to decouple from our past, from our history. And when we're decoupled from that, where we can be anything we want. How does consciousness travel through the human nervous system? spark of the heart probably comes from consciousness and it's electricity. So consciousness in a way could be some kind of electromagnetic phenomenon. Likely light, consciousness is made out of light. All the properties of physics are actually the properties of consciousness, even gravity and of the human nervous system. And they come from the human nervous system in terms of ideas, thoughts, and inventions. And in terms of Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness, I'm wondering if that level of consciousness is sort of what is sparking the heart. And, and the beat of the heart is as the magnetism. So the heart is like the magnet and, and the spark is the light. And, and that light, that level of consciousness is sort of what makes the heartbeat and then that's how one feels, is that state of consciousness. And it's like, all those states of consciousness are ever present. But it's just a matter of what is playing through us, almost like a musical flow. It's like we are the music of consciousness, we are the instruments of consciousness. We are the animations of consciousness. And we mostly live in the past in the, in the future. And then that stress would change our heartbeat because we're actually not perceiving here, and now we're living in images. And those images are the level of consciousness that we're at. And it's almost like when we get too stressed, those images that play in our consciousness, by consciousness actually can be further away from the center of who we are. And then they can feel like hallucinations or delusions, because they're outside that sphere of the personal. And those hallucinations and delusions are confusing. But even normal thinking is confusing, because it's confusing our body apparatus, thinking that we're somewhere that we're not. And if that happens, then naturally, there would be some kind of fear response. Because we're never quite in our body. So our bodies actually the thing that's afraid. So those are all projections. They're all holographic projections. So it's like we're holographic projectors. We're projectors of the hologram. But we project our own holograms within the hologram. So we're not acting in accordance with the actual hologram. And that's why we feel we're separate egos because we have these projections away from we're not one with the actual hologram. We don't see ourselves as the same as everything else. It's just one hologram. You see ourselves as separate because we have these separate projections. And just as hallucinations and delusions would be very scary. Even being out of alignment with the hologram slightly would be scary to for the body. hallucinations and delusions are just stronger thoughts and stronger images than the ones that we normally play on our mind screen. Feel we have to have a clear mind screen to actually be in alignment with the hologram the actual hologram instead of creating our own holograms within the hologram The actual hologram would probably be love. So if energy equals mass times, see the speed of light squared. And Einstein is saying that mass or M is actually love, then mass appearance is love made manifest. Because we can't see the speed of light. I feel like when we move our consciousness away from the body, that's when we act in habit. If we actually are learning something new, we have to be conscious, we have to be present, we have to be doing it actually. But then we make things into habit. So we can move our consciousness somewhere else into some kind of Daydream or imagination. But the more we do that, it sort of shows that we're not actually where we would want to be. And if our consciousness goes somewhere else, and we're on autopilot, we have less power, there's more limitation, we can't change so much what we're doing so we're acting like machines. And so when we're in the field of thought, in the field of habitual thinking, we're in habit. And we're not really conscious and present, we're not being attentive. And so most things are within the field of thought. And we're sort of going along on habit, tracks of thought. Words are actually in our nervous system as electricity. And I feel like our words and our nervous system actually distort the signals being sent. So there could be signals being sent that are trying to tell us something in the body. But since we're talking in our head, we can't actually sense those signals in our body, those signals in our body can be subtle and actually give voice to something in our body and kind of tell us, oh, something's happening, but I need to listen to. But we don't generally do that, because we're listening to our own voice about past abstractions and things. So we're not actually listening to our body. Not gonna be something that happens in mania is that the nervous system sort of becomes immune to one's old thoughts, and words. And all of a sudden, new words are arising from the nervous system from perception. And we might say things and see things and experience things totally differently. And we're speaking, we talk a lot sometimes because we're giving voice to something the universe wants us to perceive. And it could almost be as simple as that. The universe wants us to have a voice, other than the one that we're used to, and habituated to, maybe it doesn't really matter what the particular content is, it could be just that we are perceiving and creating some kind of content and context with our own voice, as opposed to just being recorders of things. That would be like a flower, like a dandy line, looking at a tulip and asking, How am I supposed to grow? Like, what am I? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think what I'm How am I supposed to look and asking and looking for things in the wrong places. Because if we're clear, we can actually hear our own voice not have other things from other people recorded in our voice and sort of mask, our own voice. And that's part of what could actually mask our own voice is that we record things and then repeat them to ourselves in our own voice. So and then we can't hear our own voice from within. Our neurons are polluted with our own voice with other people's ideas and thoughts. I think it has something to do with an increase in entropy in the nervous system. I believe increase in entropy is is more chaos and release of information. It's sort of like all that happens. And then we give voice all this stuff or we write all this stuff down or we're all creative. And it's perhaps because we don't know how to allow Get out of the way of this entropy process from happening naturally, I feel actually that it could be balanced and happening all the time. If we were really one with the moment, but oftentimes, it's, it gets blocked and stored up. And then when we do go into mania or manic consciousness, it's like this big chaos, because it's something that has been suppressed or own need to have consistency for such a long time. And then when it's released, and we go into that, that mania, we're like, wow, this feels so good to be inconsistent. And the very thing that we've been moving away from, or trying to suppress our whole life in consistency, we realize that's what freedom is. And then a lot of people when they come out of that state, they're like, that's what they want. People want that mania, when maybe we just need to be more consistently and consistent. The universe wants to give voice to its entropy through us. We're just decreasing the universal entropy with our categories, we have so few categories, good, bad, right? Wrong, mentally ill normal and then we decrease the entropy, we decrease all the entropy of the richness of extreme states of consciousness into mental illnesses. Seems like consciousness is undergoing an entropic process, I feel like are narrowing categories in consciousness actually create a reaction in consciousness to increase the entropy in consciousness that some people experience as mania extreme states map consciousness. I think part of that consciousness is the universe putting us back into alignment. It's almost like the universe is a guy attractor. Like a guide chiropractor, or an enviro practice, trying to put us back into alignment with the environment. There's the alignment of the spine in the field of gravity through, say, rolfing. And there's the alignment of the cells and exercising them within the field of gravity through rebounding. While the universe can put us into spontaneous realignment with the universe, with consciousness, through map consciousness and transconsciousness, just like our body can get out of alignment with the field of gravity. So can our consciousness and it could be the collective of the totality of the consciousness of humanity is out of alignment. So a certain number of people are going to be put back into alignment with the universe as a necessary part of the process. And we naturally go back into alignment with the field of consciousness at the time of death, physical death, but the universe isn't waiting for people to die is having to realign them during their lifetime. And maybe several times, and stress distorts the body, it shows that we're not living in alignment with nature, and, and human nature. And so the universe through the guided practice process, puts us back into alignment, and it can be pretty jarring. I feel there's a field of gravity and field of consciousness and our body needs to be in alignment with gravity. And we also need to be in alignment with consciousness. What brings us out of alignment are adding in things that aren't natural. So the process of realignment is actually subtracting those things that aren't natural and it can feel like death because something is dying. All those unnatural things that were added in are dying. It's like a metamorphosis in consciousness. Just as a caterpillar can undergo metamorphosis or consciousness can also undergo metamorphosis and the caterpillar must be freaking out inside that chrysalis like what is happening, I'm dying. I'm, I'm being torn to pieces, and then it emerges and it's like, wow, this is cool. I'm more awesome than I was before. I feel like it's a metamorphosis in the brain. The brain is attempting to think another way to think in a different way to think in different ways to turn those circuits of the brain back On. And I think part of it is that we're supposed to be thinking together and cooperating on things. And that's why people in that state of consciousness have similar mindsets, similar ways of thinking. Generally, people are isolated when they're like that. And they're not necessarily with other people doing all these mastermind groups or anything like that. But if we could get to the point where we're in that energy, and able to collaborate with each other, then it could be pretty powerful. I think part of the process too, is it's, it's almost like a wisdom tradition. It's like a wisdom tradition within consciousness, and is trying to see who we can trust with this wisdom. And the ego comes back online. And the thing is that through the system, most people forget the wisdom. And even if they didn't forget the wisdom, it could be difficult to carry out the wisdom with the ego, online. So there's a trust element in this wisdom. Part of me wanting to decouple from what I'm doing, is to trust the wisdom in a way, even though I don't feel the wisdom. I have been in close contact with it before. And in normal consciousness, it's easy for me to get complacent and just go about my life. But and I'm not sure what the highest intention of the wisdom is, but in a way I feel it's to free us from the mind. From the collective of thought. So transcending the system isn't necessarily about transcending the mental health system, it's about transcending thought, altogether. And the mental health system is the system that says what you were moving towards the transcendence trajectory that you were on is just a mental illness. And I would like to think for myself, there is no mental illness, and transcend, not necessarily transcend mental illness, but transcend thought, and the structures of thought. Sort of the stuff that occurred totally is talking about. And others, of course, and it's about changing the field of consciousness, because that's what reorganizes things. So if I could be optimistic and feel like a bunch of people might listen to the stuff I said, and, and think for themselves and actually see some of what I've said for themselves, not just smile, and nod and think, Oh, I can believe that. But actually seeing what I'm saying, if some of it is worth seeing, I don't know, maybe none of it is, it doesn't matter. But if I think well, maybe there's some people out there who have a similar context within their heart or even within their mind and have been speaking to themselves in these ways, or wondering, and then that's going to change the field of consciousness, if there's a certain number of people that want to relate in this way, and perhaps create a neural tribe of people who feel like this other context, which could be infinite, and and many people could create together is a world that one would like to hold within their nervous system. And the thing I think, and I don't know if it's true is that believing some words that someone said, isn't the same as actually following step by step, what someone is saying, in one's brain in once being and actually seeing what they're saying, not just accumulating facts, which may or may not be true. Because when you see something for yourself, it doesn't matter if it's a fact in terms of science, because you've seen it for yourself. And it might be in fact, in science, you just haven't read that book or haven't seen that factor study or whatever. I feel like too, though, when one sees something for oneself, it becomes part of the nervous system because it's not something one has to actually memorize. It's sort of it might unfold something I would think too, that things that are memorized are sort of crystallized in the brain. Whereas context would be more fluid and be like the brain cells sort of dancing with each other as opposed to locking in and then repeating themselves and hardening and almost forming like scar tissue in the brain. I feel like seeing something like seeing something in terms of context, would allow for more seeing in that way. It would unfold and open to more and more context, as opposed to closing down and seeing less and less because something just sort of collapsed one's visual field by by being taken in as a belief. And that's why the stuff that I say I don't really believe any of it. I'm just saying it. So I think a lot of this self dialog could actually change the field of my brain.
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So Tony Robbins said, need a vision that has the power to pull you when my vision is cordoned California for six months. Coming back, having the ecpr people come here, train people, somebody wants to become a trainer, somebody becomes a trainer. And then things go from there. I guess in saying that, it shows me that really, I just don't want people to be pathologized. I don't want people to be told they have a mental illness in the first place. I was told after two days in the psych ward. And so that is my vision is d pathologize. ation of extreme states. And beyond that seeing the gifts in those extreme states. And I've already talked about that. And I don't want to start repeating myself too much. But there are gifts. And there there is healing that happens and strong reasons why was number two for Tony Robbins and I want to be off meds so then I can keep my kidneys and my thyroid in good shape. Because I'll need them for those extra 25 years that I want to live, that will likely be taken away from me if I remain in this paradigm. And it's not just having those 25 years back. But what am I going to do with those 25 years, I think that might be the most important part is that I have to have good enough reasons to have those 25 years back. So if I just come off meds for my own little 25 years, that's not very powerful. But if I have that goal in order to help other people will get their 25 years back, then that's a lot more powerful than just for my own personal wellness. And he also talked about raise your standards? Well, I have high standards and that I don't want to be on medication. And so when he talks about needing to stay consistent with who we think we are, well, I think bipolar actually gives us access to different dimensions of ourselves to experiment. Well, is this who I am, is this who I am. Do I want to be more like this. And I think that's for me where embodied mania comes in is there could have been a lot of experience ones had in mania and psychosis that one would not want to embody. And so by having access to more of the spectrum, one can actually choose different ways of being after the fact through embodied practice versus always assuming one is this consistent entity that one is trying to stay consistent with. And he said joy comes when we're spontaneous. So that's definitely true of mania being super spontaneous, is being super joyful. So synchronicities, spontaneity, joy. I feel those are part of embodied mania. And so that's what Tony Robbins said is, the strongest force in the human personality is to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. I defined myself as somebody who's not on medication, who's very healthy. I would like to help bring the gift of wellness to people. First, I have to create it myself. I'm optimistic that I can get off medication or watch another talk online and the guy said invest in your own brain and he was talking about education and reading and stuff but I think too, coming off medication is investing in my own brain. Part of my wellness company actually the beginning part it's actually investing in myself and experimenting with myself. I remember years ago, I had a chronic fatigue like syndrome thing going on. And when I finally was able to heal myself of it through diet and and things like that I told myself I really wanted to help other people have really good health. But then I didn't do that and then it was too late and then I had this mental health condition. So I feel like by doing these videos when I do come off medication, at least all have already created something that might be helpful. And I don't know if it will be or not. I have no idea but the videos I was doing For sort of like a big reframe, and big context creation. And I feel already that even in my last couple of weeks of struggle that some of that context has helped me. It sort of feels like it arises in consciousness when, when I'm going through something, and that's that story, those words, in my own voice that I created for myself, sort of hold me and cradled me in a way. And since I don't have this support network right now of people who have that context, to uphold that context for me, I have to do for myself. So I feel like I do need to continue with some of the context creation, because that is my immunity in a way, by by having my own words for myself, that's my immunity. If I was in a paradigm, where if I went into an extreme state of consciousness, and everybody had that sort of context, or something similar, and sort of came up to me and received me in that way, and hold me and cradled me, why would need to necessarily know that, if that's how the professionals responded, I personally wouldn't need to know that. I might come to know that after the fact, like, Oh, that's what was happening and, and blah, blah, blah. But it's almost like I have to create my own factual context, which is not necessarily factual in terms of scientific facts, but facts within my own neurons, facts within my own brain cells to keep me safe from that other story that I need that other kind of help coming into my brain coming into my consciousness. Because that other stuff is just a story. And, and I feel like I've talked to myself enough that it doesn't even really enter my brain so much. Like, I never really truly thought, oh, wow, I could be going into psychosis, when I was having these extreme pains and body pains, and my body was burning and, and I felt extreme so called anxiety was very painful. But it didn't go further than that it didn't get the story of terror, or of, of, oh, that could mean that somebody is coming to kill me or that could mean that whatever story that I feel the story is actually related to the state of consciousness. So if I'm in extreme anxiety, and kind of like terror, anything related that to that I could feel like I'm in the middle of a war hiding in a bathtub or something, because that's how terrified I feel. But I my brain never created any of those stories. And I'm wondering if it's because that I've talked to myself so much with other contexts that maybe that context writes over those other possible associations that could even be called hallucinations and delusions. Because my brain isn't going into that state and making things making the extreme fearful state not coupling that with something that would be equated to a hallucination or delusion. It's just the feeling. And it's not comfortable. But if there's no story associated with it, that's like some terrifying Oh, and like being stabbed or something, well, then I'm not necessarily. Those are the things actually that that require. hospitalization for me are those those stories that start getting created. Like before, when I said, I feel like I'm a homeless person. And I feel like I'm not me. But if I've created enough context, in my own brain to stop those other stories from arising that have nothing to do with me, maybe it's perhaps preventing some of the collective unconscious stuff, and just remaining personal unconscious, because those things aren't going to lead me to get really confused. Because those things are going to have the EC forex sensation, I'm going to recognize that, hey, that's something from my past, or Hey, that's something whatever, it's a memory or Oh, that's something processing things like personal things, but not necessarily to the point where I'm like, Where is this coming from? Like, where am I who am I because I don't know where these thoughts and these feelings and these associations are coming from. So what I'm saying is by talking to myself enough in this way might prevent some of that It might keep the Forex sensation intact, instead of it going beyond my own self. And the things I felt like I was in pain about, were definitely personal things. And that could be the difference too, is that sometimes in my work and things that I research I, I go into the pain beyond my own personal self, because just like with mental health, how I find it quite painful to, to witness what's happening to people, and it's, it's, it's labeled as their mental illness one. Obviously, there's something going on. But a lot of what is made, making it worse is the medication and that's not acknowledged, it's seen as necessary. And I had that experience in April, where what was seen as necessary for me was not necessary, and it nearly made me way worse than was necessary. While it did for a period of time while I was on that medication. And to me, that gets mistaken as Oh, a person's mental illness, what a lot of it is that the process is being interfered with, with by medication. And then I don't know, anyways, it's it's scary territory, because there's nothing else to support people then what is there, and what is there, that's what it's doing, to people. And, and so yeah, I don't know what I was saying. But I feel like, since it was a personal thing, it was kept personal instead of sometimes when I go into those other states, I get very concerned over others. And that happened a couple of months ago, and somebody helped me see that. If I destroy myself over that, then I can't help others anyway. So it's sort of a silly thing to do is to take on other people's stuff, I'd rather be in a position where I'm, I'm supporting people to thrive. So there's none of this working, trying to not take on other people's stuff. I admire the people that are able to do that, because that's amazing. But even the paradigm to which they're devoting their energies is creating a lot of what they're there to actually help with. That support I don't agree with I wouldn't mind supporting people on medication if they were on it very short period of time. And then they were given nutritional and vitamin supports and all this other stuff. But the way it's going right now is just was awful. And I think that either nobody has a mental illness or everybody has a mental illness, we all have that same process going on within us and, and certain people's sort of spin out of control. And then we try to put people back together with medication and that's not the long term solution. And I was thinking about the trauma release exercise that I was doing and how it induces a quivering or a shaking state and I know that usually right before I get hospitalized, I'm like shaking like crazy. And I actually think it's releasing trauma. It's like the body's trauma release mechanism, psychosis and mania or releasing trauma. No wonder it seems confusing because it's not like a logical state. It's not like Okay, so now I'm going to release trauma and you will be in discomfort for five minutes while I do that, no, it's just it's it's a living process. So I wrote up some stuff on alternatives and options. And I don't know if I'm gonna call my wellness company, clear skies wellness, or happiness, first wellness, something like that. But I don't really want it to be about mental illness because I don't actually believe in mental illness. So it's not necessarily just for people diagnosed with a mental illness. Because that can be a little bit dicey. I feel like it'd be more about helping someone with their wellness. So then that sort of crowds out the mental illness part. So for me, I can't just say oh, I don't have a mental illness and stop taking my medication. That would be silly. But if I Create enough wellness if I take certain supplements if I have a peaceful place to live, if I am moving towards the life that I want, then all those aspects are going to add to my wellness and that will possibly decrease the likelihood that I will experience symptoms of anything else because I'll be keeping my allostatic load very low
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS
bipolar, trauma, thinking, resonance, manic energy, mania, bipolar disorder, spontaneous, psychosis, sabotage
I got this top for Christmas. And it's pretty poignant. Considering that in a month and a half or so I will be heading to California. I still haven't officially quit my job by but that might happen in the next couple of days. So there's lots of changes that I have to make. And I've definitely been struggling this last week or so in terms of the changes and other things happening in my life. But I've also come to some realizations. Right now, it's pretty quiet in here because it again snowed. So that's nice. And since I'm not feeling very at home here in my home, because of the noise, I feel sort of displaced. I feel like that bipolar energy is going to come in and start to try to destroy things in my life. And that's what it's done three times in the past two years, because I've gone to the psych ward three times. And at the end of this week, it'll be the longest period of time that I've stayed out of the psych ward since my first so called relapse in 2015, in February. And it feels like I've been walking the line of clicking into psychosis, or I've even experienced elements of it, but have been able to maintain control. So I don't even know if it was the psychosis thing at all. So called psychosis or if it was just strong feelings, because some of those sensations I had were pretty strong, like I was laying in bed and fall asleep and my whole body was on fire and in pain, and those are things that would normally be happening if I was going into that mode of spiraling out of control. So it seems like I'm flirting with spiraling out of control. At which point, I would definitely make the decision to quit my job and, and things like that. So it seems like that bipolar energy wants to come in and, and sabotage those things. And so I was thinking to myself, well, maybe that's why it's important to do it. Myself consciously, instead of waiting for this subconscious process to take over and, and make it so I don't have a choice. And then, when that happens, I also don't have a choice on many other things in my life, like, perhaps the type of medication I put on in the psych ward, or how long I'm in the psych ward or so many other things. So I feel like, I need to consciously destroy that. And I was watching a Tony Robbins video this morning, his 2017 New Year's resolution video or something, and he was talking about how what's important is progress. Because he says change happens. But it's not always progress. But I was thinking in my case that sometimes progress is actually destroying those things that aren't working and aren't right or don't resonate. So that doesn't really seem like progress. To for me to destroy a potential career in the mainstream medical field doesn't necessarily feel like progress per se. But also to for me to exit that when I've sort of reached a peak of something consciously walk away. And that's something I wasn't able to do in one of my last jobs. And then after that, since I didn't do that. I ended up in a very bad situation that actually might have led to this whole bipolar disorder thing in the first place. So it's almost like I've come full circle nearly six years later. Actually over six years later. And on paper, I've sort of reached a good place in terms of being diagnosed with mental illness, having a decent position in mainstream paradigm, I have my own place, I have an old car. I have pretty good health, considering I'm taking medication. So on paper, everything's pretty good. Yet, I feel like I want to say goodbye to all of it. Because even that pretty good. State is not what I resonate with. I just don't resonate. It doesn't inspire me to support people who have been poisoned into a state. So beyond anything, and just sit there and smile and nod as they say, Oh, yeah, I'm doing so well, when they look like they could drop dead any second is just horrifically disgusting to me and not because of the person is because of the system. So I'm just saying that it's difficult to, to work in that. And that's why not only do I want to say goodbye to the paradigm in terms of working in it, I want to say goodbye to it in terms of being on any kind of its treatment. You yet if I remain working in it, it's going to be very difficult to to get myself off the treatment because of the stress and the duress and the retraumatization of actually having to see people see this happened to people? I think it's it's, it's awful. And I still want to be able to help people but from a different angle from a different angle than then yeah, I have a mental illness too. And I recovered somewhat. I want to recover beyond this somewhat, and then speak from that point. On don't know if that's better. I don't know if that's more powerful. I have no idea. But it's just it's really heartbreaking. I find it really heartbreaking. And I want it so people don't have to get into that heartbreaking stuff in the first place. Yeah. And I was I was watching Sean Blackwell's videos again on bipolar or waking up. I think he has a 24 part YouTube series. And I watched it a couple years ago. And I remember watching it and thinking wow, like this guy totally summed it up. And I've watched about six videos again so far and, and I still feel like wow, he's just totally summing it up. He did great research and and really does justice to the process. And he's one of the rare few that managed to escape and not be pathologized. And then there were some other videos on the side of the YouTube feed and other people sharing their experience with bipolar disorder. And so many of them are like, Yeah, get medical help. If I wasn't on the right medication and talking about the difference between manic depression and unipolar depression, it's like, why have we been brainwashed into talking about ourselves like we're psychiatrists? I don't know. Just really it's really weird to me. And it's not like the medications aren't helpful. Sometimes I just think it's a mistake to think that that's the long term care. It's the long term cure if we want to die 25 years early. That's a good cure to die early. And I read another comment about somebody saying, with him, destroys the thyroid over time. So I kind of want my thyroid, and I kind of want my kidneys. Maybe there's other people that want their thyroid in their kidneys, too. So I was thinking more about some of the stuff I talked about in earlier videos that I don't really even remember talking about. But I talked about some ideas that I had. And then I went on to more like abstract things, I think, can't really remember. But I feel like through that process of self dialogue, over those six months, I sort of talked myself out of the paradigm. I talked myself out of believing in the mental health paradigm at all. It just doesn't really compute in my brain. It's not something I want to be true for people. And of course, it's relatively true right now. But it's not an absolute fact. And that fact can be changed by how people think about it, and how people see it, and how people see themselves. And part of the seeing oneself is seeing that oneself isn't this consistent entity. I was listening to the Tony Robbins video, he, he emphasized that I can remember what he said exactly. But basically, wanting to be consistent, is one of the biggest drivers of the personality. So we want to be consistent over wanting to be ourselves. And so to me, that very process is sort of what can lead to a manic crisis or bipolar crisis. It's not the only factor. But it's just sort of like being conditioned into this consistent person. And it's not who one wants to be or is really naturally and then remaining consistent to that. Because what's important is consistency. And then something happens like maybe a trauma. And then since that trauma happens, the story related to that trauma comes in and overlaps with one's consistent story about oneself. And when that happens, all of a sudden one feels inwardly that they're not consistent, they were this person in that person. And now all of a sudden, they had this trauma happened to them, which means XYZ. And so when that inconsistency happens, that's when one can go into some kind of bipolar process, because all of a sudden, the personality has cracked, it's no longer consistent. And since we're not consistent by nature, we're not meant to be actually drones acting in consistent calculated ways that are pre programmed in the brain, we're actually supposed to respond to the moment. And the moment is never consistent. So the psyche, or whatever it is, takes that opportunity to be inconsistent. And when that happened to me, I was inconsistent. And I was feeling like I was in heaven on earth, to not have to be consistent. Because the next thing he says in the video, or one of the next things is he talks about how important it is to be spontaneous. So we have this driver in our personality to want to be consistent yet it's super important to be spontaneous, which is, he said, that's when we're most like ourselves when we're spontaneous, which taught which, which means not being consistent, which means acting in the moment. And to me, that's what mania is all about. When we're spontaneous and acting in the moment. We're always getting more and more energy because it's like fun. It's almost like that is the game of mania is being spontaneous and acting in the moment, and improvising and, and just by improvising and playing, one has so much energy, because instead of sort of playing those old tapes in the brain, which are telling us how to act in order to be consistent, we're not wasting our energy doing that. And we've been released from the tension of trying to hold ourselves together, unconsciously and subconsciously. So it's like that subconscious holding oneself together is, is what has broken up. And so I think I was talking about synchronicity before, and I don't really understand it. I don't think it can really be understood. But definitely spontaneity is an aspect of that. And being playful. And I guess the thing about being playful is that it's more powerful to be playful with other people. And when they play back, that is even more of an energetic process than just say, staying at home being creative by oneself. Because there's energy fed back and forth. And it doesn't just sort of fizzle out. Then I was thinking about name for my wellness company again, and I was thinking before of the name special messages, wellness. And that's a little bit abstract. I like it. But then I realized I could use happiness first wellness, because I've talked about how it's important to put happiness first. And and I also talked about one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something for other people. And that's part of a study. And it was in that movie documentary happy. And I'm thinking to myself, well, I need to get my own happiness first. And part of that is destroying, I like to call it conscious self sabotage. So, in terms of the consistency thing, we all want to be consistent. But what if I consciously sabotage all those things that I kind of cling to as my identity, on purpose as a way to not fear because it's sort of the fear of the loss of those things, that is part of the thing. And, and so for me, I'll be getting rid of the place I live, I'll be storing all my stuff and getting rid of a bunch of it. And might just have like a little backpack and go for six months to California. And that's where I went right before I came back here and went totally manic. I think I was sort of manic for three weeks and in Santa Barbara. But it didn't feel that way. Because the energy there was that higher resonance, so it wasn't really this big divide. And then when I came back here, the resonance is so much lower than the morphogenetic fields that I was at this higher level from being in Santa Barbara, where it's peaceful and quiet and, and beautiful and sunny, you know that I come back here and it's like noise and just so I feel like that's what made it so in congruent was partly just coming back here. So I would have to plan for my return to make sure I have some more peaceful to go because might be a little bit much in terms of the the difference in resonance, and I was actually thinking about how bipolars like, go into such a high resonance that coming back to this reality is almost like needing equipment. Almost like a person who wants to scuba dive, they need a bunch of scuba gear, they can't just dive down that deep and stay down there for that long and survive. So it seems like to me to be in this reality I need right now. I take lithium and I have my zap straps, which I feel keep me safe. I have a voice reminder every morning that says, Are you afraid of showering? Because if I am, that's definitely a sign that things have really gotten to a terrorizing point, I have cerebral PRN beside my bed and, and in my purse I I am thinking getting like a medical ID tag or something and and I have my representation agreement, my advance directive, all these things are like my gear for going about life, in this reality in this sort of lower resonance where I could bump into certain elements that could be re traumatizing. And I've even talked about how most of society is designed in a dramatic fashion is not designed for safety. And even the fact that we all live in constant stress and pressure, that in itself is trauma and and causing the allostatic load to accumulate. To the point where I think we're all taking bipolar time bombs, unless we're actually living as we would design for ourself. an effortless infinite flow of our own unfolding, then we can get pushed into mania, because Shawn Blackwell talks about in his videos that mania as a healing mechanism. And I don't know if I've talked about it in that way. But I might have said psychosis as a healing mechanism. And he says that too. And and I think that it is a healing mechanism. In my thought, I remember thinking, I feel like one goes into this fully heavenly manic state after trauma sometimes, because if one didn't, one might actually just end one's life. So if I just remained in that post traumatic stress reaction, I probably don't know how long I would have lasted. I had already lasted about six months, and then I left the country. And then I was in, in, in heaven in a way, maybe because I was out of the, the traumatic environment and now being back in it, it's difficult to exist here. It's like that energy is just here. And it might not even be trauma as much as it's just not. It's just not me, it's just not my true nature. whatever the heck that is, I don't even know what that is. But in speaking about getting congruent with how one would design one's life. And I talked about all this in previous videos, I think about happiness first about lifestyle design, which is something that Steve pavlina talks a lot about, is the importance of designing one's life as one one's first, not necessarily getting money first. So he is definitely on board with the whole thought of happiness first. And I've talked about before i i that it's really important for people with bipolar to really put that first because otherwise otherwise
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not sure if I'll get through this video or if I even want to make a video right now but feeling the after-effects from days past I'm definitely feeling the energy of it all it feels like so-called anxiety just feel like it's really interesting how it was brought into consciousness it's like it's there for sure it's definitely disc it's definitely uncomfortable it definitely feels physical it doesn't feel like it's being transformed into any kind of thought form it's possible because I've been practicing seeing any thought form as a snake and although I wasn't doing that in those few days of desire now it feels like that energy remains but there's no real thoughts like I don't know it's difficult to describe I wonder what that sensation is trying to tell me cuz it's pretty strong it feels like oh I don't know if I can work if it doesn't go away so I don't know if it's related to those few days of desire or if it's related to work or both or if going into that desire state since it was very strong energy that energy is now being transferred to the desire to not want to do the job that I have so it's almost like this energy is going to get to the point where I can't do it because I was thinking that sometimes I stay in jobs too long and then I something happens and I'm like why should have left and i'm feeling like that and I even said that to a friend yesterday and when I said it out loud I really heard myself say it I really heard it and I was like whoa like that is premonition if I don't listen then I don't know maybe the anxiety feeling is sort of that I want it to be giving towards someone and now I won't have that opportunity plus I did this trauma release exercise called tre and I bought the app and after and before I did it I felt sort of I don't know how to describe it may be a little bit all over the place and now after I did the tre I feel more like the sensation the energy is localized like right in my stomach what's strong but it's not super it's not it's not unmanageable I guess though it might make it harder to sleep so I might take something to help me sleep or something about how when I was in the psych ward April they they trapped me they drop me gave me drugs that I didn't want I didn't ask for and then they wouldn't let me go it's like a similar thing being repeated and I was just thinking today about how so many people are so over medicated and just like medicated into such a a dull life yet some people are are kind of happy with that because they're not may be super symptomatic but they're not they're not symptomatic of living a thriving life either people put on pills they gain weight they get other chronic illnesses and I just want to help people not have to go on those bats in the first place because so many people when they get on them they don't get off and then there's those 25 lost years it's really shitty it's really bad I called the EMP people the true hope people Ian Power Plus and they said that it would take a couple months to get off lithium he said let theam is one of the easiest ones to get off of in terms of withdrawal effects I wish I could do that now like I want to if I eliminate the stress of that job then I add in the stress of not having ton of money I think it's just a matter of investing my energy in the wrong direction Krishnamurti said something to talk about knowing how to cooperate and knowing how not to cooperate I guess I feel like like mental health is just something I don't want to cooperate with any more sorry done playing that game I feel like to i need to be in a situation where i can be loved where i can be loving when happy and joyful it's not really the scenario of mental health just makes me kind of angry and I don't feel I don't feel angry really it's more like operating at the level of anger because it's just stuff that angers me but I don't necessarily feel anger but still they are energetically I have been having a lot of insights today one thing I thought of is that I could just make videos for the next couple months until i leave i probably could talk the whole time and I also wondered if talking myself on video afterwards I edit the video so I sort of have been staring at myself on the screen for hours upon end and wondering if it helps a little bit with preventing dissociation in a way because I really see myself I see myself talking I see myself on the screen whereas normally I would just see myself in the mirror in the morning and that's about it some wondering if that could help a little bit with remaining myself and not necessarily dissociating maybe another benefit of self dialogue but I don't know yeah I don't think I'm gonna be able to talk about stuff today it terms of stuff I wrote down that's okay I did want a video tape if there were any difficult times two I don't actually mind that sensation of anxiety I might try some coherence breathing I have an app called coherence something and a chest strap and then you'd breathe a certain way and then one breathes coherently it's supposed to be good I guess it would be a good time to try it because I'm actually feeling the sensations of dis dress and the past one have been triggered into psychosis or dissociation sort of like past memories come back and and they lack ech fork sensation as dr. Daniel Siegel would say and I am having some sort of memory stuff come up but I'm seeing that it's from the past for sure so it's not necessarily just the terror it's just the memory as opposed to it's just the it's not just the terror it's actually the memory so I think it'd be better to have memory and anxiety versus just terror with no memory and then just feeling terrified I should go see one of my friends and see what they've done to her she's in the psych ward that might actually be like it telltale sign to me see if they're actually helping her that might be the final straw with regards to working mental health remember when I was first diagnosed I didn't believe the diagnosis I didn't think that was it but I sort of decided to go along with it because I didn't really see any other option like there wasn't really any other choice but to go along with it and accept all the help as if it were true and I did believe it to be true to some extent but now I just feel like I don't want to go along with it anymore maybe it's because it's like my chance to get out of it but yet I'm staying in it thinking I can help when I don't think I can help
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I think it's time to inject some personal stuff into this context creation only just in general though because I'm not really ready to get particular but what happened lately was that Mets on that I was interested in more than just a friend and it felt like this energy was taking me over like this strong desire that I haven't really experienced in awhile which could be med related or just I don't generally get myself into those situations but I felt myself getting way ahead of myself for sure and then the thing was that I felt like I needed to know if the person felt the same way and it was so strong and and then we met up again and it was just really indicative by their behavior that there was that kind of connection which is not really anybody's fault if it's not there it's not there so I feel a lot better today because we met up another town recently and I was sort of noticing the disconnection and it made me feel uncomfortable because I wanted to be connected and then in the space between that meeting and the next one I sort of determined well I'm going to find out if there's a connection or not for for sure and so I did certain things that was sort of like testing out the connection and and there was no connection and so when I got home I felt very maybe I guess like disappointed in myself for getting ahead of myself and it was pretty uncomfortable and then today I feel a lot better because i feel like well i know that there's no connection so I can move on where is the time the days in between the two meetings I didn't really know and I was wanting to know and I was sort of disappointed in myself for not knowing for sure that other time and then in the time have been between I was quite uncomfortable and it's not really disappointed in myself I'm just I'm trying to take a responsibility I'm trying to have a word that takes responsibility for my feelings because it's not the other person's fault for not feeling that sort of connection and so I'm not sure if we'll hang out again or not cuz I'm not really sure what was happening and and that's okay too it's not the first time that's happened it won't be the last but in the days in between it was really strange I was I had these sensations and these energies going through me like actually like physical pain like I had this like burning sensation in my body and all these different painful sensations that almost reminded me of so-called psychosis sometimes our so-called anxiety but really extreme and it felt like my whole body and DNA energy and entropy was just being reorganized and I wasn't sure if it was being reorganized to be more open to being vulnerable with a person or it also reminded me of a time when I felt really strongly connected to someone about six years ago and it didn't really end well I just remember how strongly I was attracted to this person and and it ended in such a way it was only a friendship but it ended in such a way that I never really processed those strong feelings I just sort of was like wow this isn't something that I can continue with it all and just like dropped it and actually never really thought about it another second in terms of that person and it almost felt like I was back in those last moments of hanging out with that person actually think i saw them one more time but it felt like some of the fallout from that it felt like maybe i was taken back to processing some of that and there was a lot of pain so it was really what I sort of realized was that pleasure as desire really is pain because I was feeling strong desire and then I was feeling really strong painful so called anxiety and actually body pain and physical pain to the point where I had to take PRN to sleep and I haven't taken that pure in for a couple of days just to make sure I get rest and and so it just really showed me that that pleasure is pain because and that desire [Music] it felt like my body was starting to make those biomolecules of that strong desire and then it was sort of transmuted into this very strong pain when I realized that it wasn't going to happen and I probably already knew it wasn't going to happen but um it's just really interesting the withdrawal from that internally create a desire and that internally created image-making where I was projecting things that I would want and so I feel like I've learned a lot in terms of that because so strong i'd be willing to drop almost everything for it yet it was just a state that i was creating within myself and i felt very similar to psychosis it felt conflicted it fell because i know in some of this very strongest moments of so-called psychosis that I've ever experienced I remember being an extreme body pain extreme terror extreme distress yet at the same time I was turned on and I thought it was really strange it was almost like the highest energies to the lowest in the body and in the mind yeah so i'm not sure what i'm talking about button and i feel like this will be translated into more action because i have to start making decisions about leaving for California which I pretty much decided i'm going to do unless I change my mind back to not going to California I just have to figure some stuff out with work because my one job I could stay here until about march in order to finish off some work or I could just not do that work and go but it could be good to have that little bit of extra money but we'll see what happens I think it's sort of better to stay out of the realm of desire whether it's a person or an object that was some really strong energy in my body was really intense but it could have been a type of recalibration as well I can still feel some of the pain in my body and I was thinking about California in terms of how it'll make better videos too so if I just stay here I'll just be talking to myself like this and by going to California at least I'll be changing things within the next two months or so a personal desire for a person is it's different than remaining worldcentric maybe that's one of the reasons why i was so painful is because it's sort of against my neurology and against my DNA it's showing me strongly that's the wrong direction and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it per se it just might not really be my life path and I've been doing a little bit of writing lately and I think I got some pretty decent stuff it's just a matter of going through it try to stay somewhat organized with it but it gets a little bit mixed up because I just have a long running list of things that sort of pop up in my mind screen and for those days that i was in that other state of like freaking out emotionally didn't really have any insight so I think that emotionalism gets in the way from the insight and the learning that is innately fulfilling I think my dopamine circus we're trying to come back online and they are just creating a lot of pain they didn't really know what was what we're pretty good at fine-tuning what's pleasure in what Spain and what is what for each of us subjectively but I feel like when we're decoupled from that and that tries to come back online it just starts creating all this pain and wildly and all this other sort of desire and pleasure wildly and it just just feels like so called psychosis almost not really sure how long I'll use this stick thing it seems okay it seems I really like this mic thing looks too official but at least I can lay here like this I'm in a different room where there's less traffic noise I just finished my Christmas shopping on Amazon Prime thank you amazon prime I think it'd be cool to have a group that normalizes and extraordinaires similar to hearing voices but not everybody hears voices for their version of having a special message special message could just mean intuition and the thing too with that is even normal people have intuition and special messages and synchronicities and extraordinary experiences so to get that group of people talking to would be really cool I thought of the term psycho trans consciousness instead of psychopathology I wonder if one could study the neuro electricity and neurophysiology of brain metamorphosis of the imaginal neurons of the brain and I was thinking about how trans conscious people might still choose to act in the old ways of consciousness just like somebody who is a lesbian might choose to still sleep with men because it's sort of the assumed and dominant paradigm of being a woman is to be a straight woman even though one might not be one and so it might be the most convenient way to acquire touch and some of the natural human needs that we have so it's more just socially available doesn't mean that it's necessarily one's preferred mode of operating and I also thought of how trans conscious people are already wearing augmented reality glasses we just can't see them we already have augmented reality capacity within us it's an eight but it's been programmed out of this we've been programmed into such a narrow band that then we think we need a mint a'dreea tea and then the universe comes in and augments our reality for us and said get with the program that reality is already pretty augmented we've just been suppressed into such a narrow band of seeing and perceiving and I feel we can get there experientially and with gestures I was thinking about gestures in terms of i was watching this talk about the placebo effect and how a person taking a pill they feel like they're going to get better so they do get better well taking a pill is a gesture it's given as a gesture by say a doctor and the pill itself is sort of a symbol it's an item of gesture and then the act of taking the pill the swallowing is a gesture so it's sort of that gesture of connection and then we think well it's the pill that does the trick while all these other kind human gestures also heal and since we are so disconnected in all the natural human gestures of say handshake or hug or looking somebody in the eyes then we have to go to a professional to have the gesture of a pill so we think we're actually going to heal when we're lacking in so many natural human gestures and that's why we need the gesture of a pill so they often talk about what's the care the doctor cares well the doctor might not actually care because it's a study so it's more and they talk about the belief that somebody will be helped by this what we do definitely believe it because the doctor is sort of a level of authority but if we're missing say 99 percent of the kind gestures in humanity and then we take this one gesture of a doctor to be the one that's going to heal well if we just all act more kindly with those kind gestures and we won't need a certain percentage of people didn't need to go to doctors for all of these ailments and I was thinking again about the analogy of the butterfly and how a caterpillar and a butterfly they both eat they both poop but still the caterpillar and the butterfly have different functions within the ecosystem so I feel like a person that goes through trans consciousness and becomes trans conscious they need to fulfill that different function within the human ecosystem within the human nervous system within the collective human nervous system so a butterfly is going to eat different food it's going to eat a different diet and as a result it's going to change the ecosystem in a different way so in the same way people that are trans conscious will be looking and perceiving and having that what if I is going to have a different effect on the ecosystem some of these are a bit random but I wrote down that if we could see that we're taking a sledgehammer to our neurons we would stop it wouldn't be a matter of choice and free will it would just be dropping it as it's not beneficial at all and that's sort of what we see in map consciousness and trans consciousness I had an insight about this whole thing about critical mass and i was thinking about how it's not necessarily that five percent of us have to sort of wake up to these other consciousness though that might be true i actually feel like it has to do with that the five percent of the brain that we do use now actually has to shut off because a lot of that is to do with the noise of the prefrontal cortex so five percent is actually talking about how we need to shut off that and map consciousness comes in and deactivates that and when it does then we're already in that other world and when we're in that other world we're creating with and as that of the world so it's not a matter of waiting for other people to get to that five percent or whatever it's that each of us must deactivate that five percent to go into map consciousness and make new maps and people are dipping in and out of that all the time mania is critical mass reversal it shuts off the five percent that is a waste of energy and it's almost like this five percent of energy that is a waste of energy is the noise getting in the way of total energy and when the noise shuts off then the ninety-five percent of our brain circuits can be used and it might actually be something that is invisible that can't necessarily be measured that's happening the brain that can't really be measured because it's something beyond thought and and how do you measure something beyond thought with thought and memory as in personal or societal memory is the appoint or of meaning so it's re cog nizon its recognition it's not actually cognition cognition is recognition it's regurgitating old information and I think I talked about this before and I wonder if there's only so much we can recognize I wonder if it has something to do with five percent as sort of like that's our working re memory so using memories constantly to organize what we're seeing in the here now and that sort of our aperture that's our reality tunnel that's our worldview and it's pretty narrow but it could be necessary as a protection from information overload wonder why our nervous system can only handle five percent I wonder why our nervous systems have been programmed to only handle five percent we're almost like five percent human beings I wrote that the circuits for desire crowd out the other human capacities and I probably wrote that a while ago maybe I was writing that when I was experiencing that whole desire stuff but it definitely crowded out everything else I'm it's interesting that's not necessarily my default state but i can still definitely go back there and it's not about suppressing desire it's it was an opportunity for me to see and learn about desire and I feel like part of what map consciousness does is it comes in and crowds out all the overgrown desire circuits it could even be that they say we use five percent of our brain because we're not using all those other capacities and it could be almost like desire has infected the whole brain so it's sort of like a marbling of scar tissue throughout the brain this whole desire complex when maybe it's supposed to be just like one little part of the brain but it's like all in the brain and it's like stopping all the other proper functions from arising and giving us that richness and complexity that we need in order to not feel like we need to desire so we're desiring and desiring and we're desiring just a very narrow band of things and then by desiring a narrow band we're not experiencing the complexity of what we would experience if we weren't desiring such a narrow band and then we wouldn't need to desire because we'd be experiencing the richness so it's kind of like this thing that's happened is like this one faculty has taken over the whole brain our attention our attention circuitry is on our desires which aren't something here now so our attention isn't on the here now I was thinking about the mystery and how the mystery wants us to talk about it it wants us to talk about it as mystery not as science science is for the very limited number of scientists and then they tell us what to think and then that makes life not mysterious so we don't really talk too much about the mysteries of life and I feel talking about the mysteries of life is it's a state of surrender it's a state of let go it's a state of wonder it's a state of awe is just talking and wondering and being curious and not really having to grasp onto anything at all and I wonder why we aren't talking to each other in this way the normal process of science is to have one idea or hypothesis and then design an experiment to prove it when we could be thinking of infinite hypotheses each just by talking openly and wondering and not necessarily having to prove anything per se but by having these sorts of conversations then things will unfold in the dialogue of life instead of unfolding as science is saying that it should and I'm not saying there's no place for science i'm just wondering why we're not talking more about the mystery of life too and anyone can do that you don't need a degree for that and i feel like because we're not talking about it eventually comes out in our behavior it's like a pile up of the mystery not talked about gets acted out and then we're mystified by somebody's behavior and then we put them through some kind of scientific protocol to get them back into their normal way of being when it's pretty it seems natural that some people are going to break out of one so-called normal way of being and relating the universe wants us to relate in a different way wants us to relate about the mystery but then we demystify the mystery of somebody acting out of character by just popping pills and when it comes out in behavior the universe wants us to talk about the mysteries of consciousness like wow this person's consciousness changed from their regular motive operating and look at how this changed behavior but we don't relate about the mystery we talk about the person's behavior we're actually missing the root the change in consciousness and it's not okay for one to change one's consciousness I was talking to one of my friends and I said something like I'm a mystery I'm fascinated by myself because of all this so-called psychosis and things just infinitely mysterious and she said I'm not fascinated by myself and it's the way she said it sounded really funny kind of had to be
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video number 101 I'm feeling some you stress for reasons that I won't elaborate on now but we're back into talking about contacts notes that I made and they're a bit out of order because when I don't make videos for days and then typing notes I don't really keep track of any logical order that they go in per se and I was thinking about how context itself is sort of disorder it's like this greater expanse of information and then the content is something that we unfold from the context and we appoint as meaningful so there's infinite context but we are pulling from a very limited amount of the context so the context of the experiences that I've had is something different than the words trying to describe that context so even the words that are somewhat contextual or content extrapolated from the experience the context of the experience not just the experience itself not just describing the experience in terms of content but unfolding the implications as well and it seems to me that context is disordered in a way because it's not the order of the way our brains have been programmed to to see and make meaning of things but at the same time it's like a greater order in that it's an unfolded order it's an order that we haven't yet made meaning out of or seen any meaning in maybe that's part of it that meaningful domain wants us to see the meaning of the meaningful domain instead of keeping making the same meanings all the time because then it becomes meaning less because we start to not even perceive the things that were no longer making meaning out of and that's part of the learning process it's it's part of what is designed in our brain so we keep learning and oftentimes we replace that with the process of continuing to desire more and more things but really I think that redundancy processor that hedonic adaptation asst Jason Silva says in his videos is for us to keep learning but we've been told what to know and so we stopped learning become habits and we desire and desire more and more and more and more instead of learning which is innately fulfilling without needing to desire any particular thing and by desiring something in particular we're actually missing out on everything else that we could be perceiving but our little ego probe compass has put its little feelers out for something in particular that we think that we want and then often times when we get it where are we wanting the next thing so I think that pleasure desire process has taken over learning and actually part of my you stress right now has to do with desire in a way and and I can see that it's possible that this desire will block learning because of that very thing and not to say that desire is bad it's one part of the functionality of the spectrum of the kaleidoscope of tools we have within our brain through which to learn but it's the one that we've made dominant and when that one is over utilized it sort of crowds out those other capacities those other human dimensions so one dimension is desire perhaps and that takes over nearly everything and desire is tied into the me in the ego whereas the other human dimensions are tied more into world centricity and altruism and the common humanity and the connection and there are definite physical desires as in needs and then we extend those into mental desires through our image making process and I was talking about the little book of clarity by Jamie smart and he talked about implication based learning and I can't remember if I talked about how this process of context unfolding in self dialogue in a ways implication based learning because I'm reading between the lines of my experience and then also talking to myself and reading between the lines of talking to myself so I'm just seeing further and further possible implications and perhaps that's part of what dr. david bohm talks about the implicit order in the explicit order there's things that are implicit and there's things that are explicit so I wonder what the implications are creating diverse context versus the implications of just subscribing to the mainstream paradigm wonder of map consciousness is trying to crowd out ego consciousness it definitely crowds it out for a certain period of time and I wonder if context creation can sort of crowd out the amount of knowledge that I have about the mainstream paradigm I wonder if one day it'll just be a distant memory for me cuz right now i'm still in it yet i'm talking about things that are possibly outside of it but then maybe one day i'll be outside of it as well as talking about things outside of it and then not talking about things outside of it in reference to it not talking about it and that could be part of the game of map consciousness is seeing the implications going into that other state of consciousness where we see the implications we're super sensitive we can see those implications and perhaps since we're seeing the implications of things and we're actually acting based on the total pattern of perception of the implications the total pattern implications of what we're perceiving and where that could lead and what that means and and where that came from and and all these different extrapolations to infinity we become overwhelmed and behave in an apparent disordered way but we're reacting to a different order of reality that we can't all sense all the time we can see the implications and extrapolate and that's what crushes us that's what also elevates us at the beginning seeing the implications of love and then seeing the implications of hate and judgment and what are the implications of one person on a long-term medication treatment versus being able to transform and transcend and and move into a different path and I could say to myself that I have a psychotic disorder or it could say that I have an interesting and unique relationship with the universe sometimes I ride the roller coaster of the universe the roller coaster of the spectrum and scale of consciousness and I feel like the temporary incapacitation that happens during psychosis sometimes is a re-emerging capacitation it's emerging with different capacities just like a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis it's completely immobile and protected and safe and then emerges with completely different capacities and that stillness is required for the imaginal cells of our consciousness to rearrange our consciousness in such a way that we r e- capacities this ability shin aspect it's like the reset button on the computer and it's like how if you're doing maintenance on a machine you shut it down you don't try to work on it while it's moving around and I feel like the universe is rewriting our DNA and changing our epigenetic expression and I wrote down that or more controlled by the programs we feel like we have free will but free will is just the ego talking to itself about making decisions and that ego voice is our own voice turned against us and and it's programmed it's other thoughts and conditionings from society and then we call that choosing between one thought and another thought free will and map consciousness comes in and shows us more about true free well and I was thinking about how words block perception and another way it could in a way is that our words or sounds our voice even in our own head in our own voice it blocks the nervous system from fully perceiving in that those words are vibrating through all the nerves that is going through a whole nervous system electrically and those words vibrating through our nervous system are meaning that the nervous system isn't quiet it's not silent and so it can't actually accurately perceive the vibrations that are incoming because there is a vibration already happening in terms of our own voice and so a lot of what we are are perceiving gets blocked out by the fact that we're already having words happening in our nervous system and then it could be possible that it's blocking the EPI mimetics and the endo mimetics the voice of the universe speaking to us and speaking through us and and animating us as the voice of the universe not just the voice of one's personal ego programming and so it blocks perception one can't see actuality when words are a barrier to that and I wonder if there could be like a religion of human neurology developed from the principles from map consciousness and I feel like the principles are the principles of the human nervous system when it's not blocked by abstractions about reality when we're not abstracting about reality we're actually feeling it fully and we're more sensitive to it and it's more challenging to actually go about life and I'm really wondering if all this self dialogue will change what I tune in to next time I do go into map consciousness because I've never spent six months talking to myself about it and since i did go into that state known as psychosis three times in 14 months after the end of this month in a couple of weeks it'll be the longest I've gone without going into that state so it'll be interesting to see if I can stay out of that state beyond eight months to a year to two years to three years I wonder if I can feel like oh the universe is just on my case again I wrote something down about I don't really know what I was talking about but something along the lines of psychosis as getting to this point where one is trying to run away from thought in terms of actually running away physically or having behaviors that are labeled sa paranoia which is like almost running wanting to run away or wanting to hide it's like trying to run away and hide from the collective consciousness of of thought so it's one thing to have a fearful thought and then push it away with another thought that's a form of running away from a fearful thought but as it gets more and more accumulated one actually is literally running away from the projections of the collective unconsciousness not just linear projected thoughts of one's own personal into that individuality and it's actually seen and taken personal when it's gotten to the point of say thinking somebody's after oneself in a way thought is after us it's not us and we usually identify with our thoughts and so going into psychosis is just an extreme form is identifying with thoughts and then these thoughts seem more unreasonable to people who are observing from the outside but those very people have a very similar process going on in their mind that could easily get to the point where it's also supposedly out of control and that could be part of it Krishnamurti says the controller is the controlled so normally we are controlling our thoughts and we feel like we're controlling them but that's just another thought controlling it so it's just one thought after another and and one thought the thought prior sort of takes this position of I'm the one that created that next thought and so I'm controlling it but maybe when that process breaks down to some extent the thoughts get out of control and they start to pile up and then one feels like they're not in control of their thoughts and when that happens it can sort of instead of just going from like one bad thought to learn good thought from one bad thought to one good thought when there's no controller it can go from bad thought too bad to worse to worse to build up to build up to all of a sudden the whole world is ending when really maybe it's the world of thought getting to the very end of it and over time we've evolutionarily we have the reflex to say jump away from a snake well in psychosis so-called psychosis it's like we're running away from some bigger scarier thing but it's all sort of an image in our minds and I'm not saying that's wrong it's sort of a natural consequence of the original process which is actually seen as healthy and that original process is never questioned it seems like it's a reflex to get away from thought because in in mania one is sort of getting away from thought and going into that collective beauty in up the levels of consciousness and as one starts to come down the levels of consciousness one starts to experience more and more thoughts and their thoughts that weren't identified originally with the person who's experiencing them so then they seem like something other but it's actually showing us the consequence of thought in general and then the mania is showing us what happens when there's less thought and more light of consciousness and awareness one sees the whole accumulated thought structure and starts to run and there was an article that I read about the cost of something I don't know what it was like say sitting or something like that and I wonder what the cost of habitual condition thinking is of our regular ego thought process and there's a lot more research right now about things like the flow state and it's some semi elusive state and difficult to get into what if that's our natural way to be and we're supposed to be in that state ninety-five percent of time and and user ego consciousness say five percent of time but really that's happening to the opposite extent so what is the cost of that and a lot of certain things they do studies about that have costs associated with it we never actually studied the level of thinking behind what that behavior is and in a way so called psychosis is like the universe thinking through us for us and it's not always a welcome thing but it's definitely a different type of thinking and it produces different types of behavior and so map consciousness is the design of the universe to make sure we don't get stuck in habitual patterns that are going to lead us towards destruction it tries to help us to explore other modes and ways and behaviors and gestures of being just as children do and we're inner explorers where I thought of the term astral knots they talk about psychonauts as people who take psychoactive substances but it's almost like astronauts they talk about the astral plane I don't really know much about that but I just thought astronauts was kind of a funny word I even think that consciousness is the type of consciousness medicine and at a certain dose it can be poisonous and lethal bite at us at but at the right dose it can be healing and just as when a one has a fever one needs to rest when one has map consciousness there could be a rest period that's needed as well it's sort of like a natural mechanism just like a fever and just as a fever is designed to kill off the organisms the microorganisms that aren't beneficial to our system I feel like map consciousness is supposed to kill off some of the thoughts and thinking that is not beneficial to our mental consciousness system and part of the medicine of map consciousness is that a person might come back with medicinal messages so it not only kills off the bad thoughts some of the time it can create some new endo memes and epi memes that might be medicinal for the person in terms of maybe past things that needed to be integrated and just as it's actually important for children to have the common childhood diseases in order to build their immune system for later life it could be important for people to go into map consciousness in order to build this sort of immunity to being caught in habit or being caught in conformity or rigidity
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I'm feeling a lot of you stressed right now there's some stuff going on potentially good but I just feel really you stressful reporting from the bridge reporting from planet zipped on apparently this is my 100th video to myself in self dialogue and I got this selfie stick with a mic in the mail and I ordered it off of indy gogo perhaps a year ago go I'm not sure if it was worth it the initial design is different than what they were able to produce as the final model but whatever I'm noticing that it's getting heavy to hold already not very strong I hold it more like a hockey stick it's a little bit better so maybe I'll try this thing I'm not sure if I'm sold on having this thing in front of my face don't really like these things near my face yesterday I was talking about the movie healing voices and I don't remember how far I got but this will be my 100th video since June twentieth which is nearly six months of making videos to myself and I did mention that when I was trying to delete some of the videos from my phone I accidentally did watch just a little bit of a few of them and I noticed my voice sounds different and I also noticed i remember early on i would say so a lot more and also basically and then after I did that deleting of the videos the next video i made i noticed i said basically quite a few times so it's interesting how watching that just briefly sort of put me back in that space from time long forgotten and so I wonder if it would actually be worth watching them ever again or not because I do watch them once when I edit out the gaps in my thinking or looking at my laptop but other than that I don't know how useful it is because if I actually watch it it's almost like my consciousness goes back to that but maybe I will but I don't think I will until the year mark except for making sure i'm deleting the right videos off my phone in the movie they give another good term they give the term other sensory experiences and i like that term to describe altered states of consciousness because altered states of consciousness sounds a bit more abstract than having other sensory experiences because sensory are of the body whereas consciousness people might think well what's that what does that really mean altered states of consciousness and maybe other sensory experiences a part of altered states of consciousness and I wonder if other sensory experiences as well as altered states of consciousness are all those other experiences that can't be accounted for in terms of the ego recognition and measurement it's other than our programming and conditioning there was one person in the documentary and his mom talked about just being a witness just being there I see you I don't understand it but let's go with it and I thought that was pretty well put because I've talked about before and probably recently about the importance of witnessing and this process of self dialogue as witnessing myself taking responsibility for witnessing myself because I realized that people who can listen are in short supply and also people that might have the context within themselves to be able to to listen and witness what I have to share there could be a lot of them out there but some are in hiding and maybe they're dispersed geographically and there was a scene where another person in the movie was saying I just can't stand them saying mental illness mental illness mental illness and it was a brief scene but it really resonated with me because I don't like hearing that either and that's the trouble a lot of times is working or sharing within that paradigm it's like well here's someone share their mental illness story well I don't see my story as a mental illness story but it's shared within that context so it's it feels incongruent it's almost like hearing nails on a chalkboard and in her speech in that scene in the video she said people labeled with mental health and substance use problems and that's how I see it too with people labeled lived experience with a label not necessarily lived experience with a mental illness and Robert Wood occurs in the movie and he talked about the environment we in society create for human beings and I think that's not all of it but that's a good portion of it and I think that inner dimension is a mystery and its trying to unfold itself through us as a mystery and make life more mysterious than habitual maybe the opposite of habit isn't chaos isn't randomness but mystery and somebody made a comment in the movie about I couldn't deal with it in regular reality so I went into an alternate reality and that could be extrapolated to even include in general that consciousness is trying to escape the body in a way maybe because we're actually miss using our bodies they're being used by thought instead of unfolding the mystery and so we get connected to unfolding the mystery and we come back to regular consciousness and we want to tell people about the mystery but then they say well that means you have a mental illness it's a way to explain away the mysteries of consciousness so this is sort of like mystery dialogues in a way I could think to myself one day I'll go back into psychosis or I could think one day I'll be again plunged into the mysteries of consciousness and maybe it'd be cool to be able to connect based on the mystery not just my story but the mystery in realization that we'll never figure it out exactly but it could be fun to make up stories about how it might work and it's interesting that before the scientific paradigm there was a lot of stories to describe life and the mysteries of the world in the universe with the common understanding of the time and then science came in and made all those stories obsolete supposedly and replaced it with it's dry and mechanical ramblings about how things work and then we can get sort of discontented because nothing's a mystery like science will figure it all out and we're leaving it to science to figure out so we have nothing to do but wait for science to tell us what to think so there's no point thinking at all about those sorts of things for oneself and then maybe the more we're not actually connected to that for ourselves we're disconnected from the mystery of consciousness we're disconnected from consciousness we're lost in words of our own voice and then consciousness can come in and plunges back into the mystery of consciousness because our thoughts have sort of taken us away from that and disconnected us from awe and wonder and curiosity we're not really asking questions we're making statements to ourselves about ourselves it's difficult to stay in this world it's like consciousness wants to go somewhere else sort of like a dog wanting to lead its owner to somebody that needs help relentless in that it's almost like an emergency signal like look at all that's going on underneath the surface of everybody collectively together there's nothing one can really do but change one's self based on that and I don't know if I talked about before but i'm pretty sure that gestures can write jeans and i'm not sure if that's what I talked about with epi Chester etics or if epigenetics when I talked about it was about the universe animating us or if I talked about how gestures can actually have epigenetic changes so I'm not sure which I talked about in terms of epi gesture etics but I wrote some stuff not relating to the movie I wrote more stuff about the movie but I don't want to talk too much about it just because it's really great to watch it is definitely something that is informing me moving forward I'm not really sure what's gonna happen over the next two months in terms of life changes but there could be some big ones I was thinking about how since we've all been programmed into this very narrow band behavior according to Eagle thought structures we're not really accessing the spectrum of consciousness that we have available to us which if sensitive would respond to the moment not respond out of habit or reaction to the past and because of that because we become so narrow individual a certain number people do need to break out of that but they break out of it to an extreme nature they go up the entire spectrum to the highest high and then down to the lowest low in a way to recalibrate but if we were all fluidly moving along the spectrum of consciousness and not moving according to habit and reacting to the past there wouldn't really be a need for certain individuals to go through this extreme recalibration process so that being said I feel like it's important to actually move towards one's embodied mania if you will or one's embodied entire spectrum of the sensitivity of consciousness and act in the moment according to that like we would as children but with a little more insight hopefully through through a life and that will actually help to eliminate the need for people to go through these extreme states and also extreme distress because if people are responding the moment the ones who are in distress aren't going to be responded to by the ones who are able to respond to the distress in the moment until maybe one day we'll just be singing and dancing together I remember before it hasn't happened in a long time but when I would be falling asleep on my mind's eye I could see these faint shadows of people dancing it was almost like I was being exported to someone else's body dancing with a bunch of people as I was falling asleep
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I haven't made a video in a few days I was sort of busy with other things and today I actually watched the healing voices movie because i pre-ordered it and I got it in my email this morning so I washed it right away and it was really well done and I think watching it is a little bit of a turning point in a way because I feel like I want to find other people to talk to who don't necessarily want to be pathologized or medicalized and the main person in the movies oryx Cohen and I didn't know much about him and I don't really want to talk about what happens in the movie too much because it's better to actually get it and watch it something that really did in the beginning and for me it's going back to some of the stuff I talked about before was that people who are part of the mainstream mental health system statistically died 25 years earlier than the rest of the population and I was thinking to myself like I want those 25 years back or I want those 25 years I don't want to think right now that my life is half over I want to think that it's one-third over or maybe a quarter over even and so part of what I want to create a theme of that would be to get those 25 years back and maybe part of that is by transcending the need for the mental health system and they said the hearing voices movement is for people who lived experience of the mental health system trauma and extreme states of consciousness and I would say I meet all three of those criteria and robert whittaker is also in the movie and he mentions listening to people in extreme states or in so-called psychosis and a lot of myself dialogue is to listen to and witness myself and part of it is to unfold context from a place of wellness instead of just waiting from a state where I feel I need someone to witness my distress and usually that gets medicalized i'm thinking it's possible that by witnessing myself unfold a lot of contacts for myself and listen to myself and talk with myself because i realized that not everyone has the time or context to listen to me and understand me whereas i have both of those things and I'm wondering if that will create a bit of an immunity to if trouble ever arises again which it likely will wonder if just as the body can have inflammation and that's sort of a sign of I was talking about how the body can have inflammation and that's a sign of injury maybe when one has information overload in the experience of map consciousness or trans consciousness it's the sign of injury it's like trying to reorganize information around a past trauma experienced or past something and I was thinking about the movie healing voices and the title and how by using my voice to talk to myself it's like an attempt to heal my voice with my own voice and I've talked about in the past how the eagle was like our own voice turned against us and this process of self dialogue is actually my voice turned outward for me to see and listen to an experience as a mirror so in a way I'm healing my own voice with my own voice as opposed to having my voice turned against me and I don't want to say too much about the movie even though if I ever do release this it'll probably be long after the movie has come out anyway but some of the things I thought of while watching the movie that weren't necessarily directly related to what the movie was saying was how it's not so much that these are biological disorders but they're almost like diak reordering in consciousness I feel like it's a guy phenomenon it's from Gaia not really an individual human being and it's attempting to integrate us with Gaia and that's why this consciousness comes in and introduces us to the mysteries of consciousness and sort of the laws of consciousness and how the laws of consciousness are different from the rules of the ego game of society that societies created and it's almost like this energy gives us a glimpse of that mystery and a glimpse of how things actually work and then we come back to consensus reality and I feel like it's up to us in a way to still act based upon some of these other laws of consciousness that we may have experienced and it's even showing us that consciousness is a mystery whereas the ego is in a habitual pattern thinking that it has everything figured out it's like it's giving some of us a glimpse and then wondering well what will they do with this glimpse that I just gave them and unfortunately when we experience this glimpse we might experience suppose it's symptomatic behaviors because we're glimpsing into the laws of consciousness that aren't in accordance with the laws of the ego society so we're going to be in congruent where our body is existing in this realm this order of society and then our consciousness is looking at this other realm our consciousness perspectives aperture zooms out and we have a view from an expanded perspective and so we're operating and acting from this expanded perspective not the mitted ego perspective and when that happens our limited ego that people think that we are that they know us to be starts acting differently aka symptoms but really the symptoms are of trans consciousness and some people I feel have this transplant recipients where they can sometimes spontaneously go into these other states and people desire these other states and put themselves there through chemical means of other types of drugs and things there are many ways to go to that state and only a certain amount people who go to those states actually get diagnosed with a supposed mental illness but it's pretty much a normal experience for that to happen through whatever means and so it really shows that it's almost like consciousness is trying to break free of this prison of the ego society that's been designed because it wants to move towards complexity and I feel like map consciousness and trans consciousness is an act of consciousness on consciousness attempting to free itself it's a movement in consciousness to push away one's individual programming to move them into alignment with the collective consciousness that we all share and since it's shared it can kind of go anywhere it doesn't have the same limits it doesn't experience time the same way and it seems like it's only a temporary release from that prison of the egoic consciousness but I feel like when I think about it that way map consciousness and trans consciousness is actually an act of compassion consciousness being compassionate towards itself in a way and then the test is that the people in egoic consciousness receive this act of compassion by consciousness in consciousness with compassion consciousness is altering supposed personal consciousness away from egocentricity towards world centricity and then when people come back they're not facilitated and supported towards that they're pathologized and called mentally ill like they need to go back to who they were and so consciousness is also doing this in the form of autism it's knocking out that ego at consciousness that's preventing it from taking hold at that young age and it's not to say that people who experience that part of the spectrum of consciousness don't develop any sort of ego it's just that it's not of the same type of the supposedly normal trajectory of ego development it's almost delaying that more so then the child can play longer and play in that pattern recognition learning in a different way other than verbalization state of consciousness for longer and and develop much-needed capacities that we probably aren't really aware of and I feel like the same thing is happening for people who go into map consciousness and trans consciousness and part of it has to do I feel with complexity so as the biodiversity decreases on earth as we destroy species and end ecosystems and environments and nature and rivers and cut down all the trees all this complexities is disappearing and we're having a greater and greater population of human beings so it only makes sense that that sort of lost complexity needs to be transferred into humanity and that's being seen with the expressions of different genders and different intelligences and different consciousness and and so many different expressions that complexity needs to go somewhere and I feel like part of that complexities increasing images in the mental domain so so much more of our world is becoming mental it's about mental stimulation until we basically barely know that the world is there around us and we'll be taken in by virtual reality in at some point and it might have already actually happened and we're just not really aware of it but what I mean is as more and more complexities going towards this inner image making faculty to sort of appease ourselves with images as opposed to acting in the moment the complexity sort of going into the mental domain so then it's possible that some of us are being drawn into that because that's sort of where the complexity is going and I have no idea if that's true but i just recently become a little fascinated with complexity and entropy and thermodynamics and again i have no idea what I'm talking about I'm just sort of wondering and curious about these things and how they relate they did talk in the movie about something just briefly around emotional responses to our natural environment in terms of people who have certain propensity to be a bit more emotional and the thing that I thought was an interesting point to note was that we're not really in a natural environment so it's saying emotional responses to our natural environment well our environments so unnatural is so artificial and that's part of the trouble with consciousness as sort of so detached from nature in the form of human beings and a nature is partly there for us to enjoy and be in awe of and in a state of wonder I was looking at my window and there's these birds and they were just sort of eating something off this sad looking dried-up bush or tree or something and and shaking the snow off and I didn't I don't even know what they were really eating but it was these fat little birds and and I just was sort of struck by what a miracle was that these birds were there and I also remember having an experience that we are the birds like our consciousness goes into the birds at night or something it was really weird and I don't really know how that really works but so I think that's a key to say an emotional response to unnatural environments and so much unnatural stuff that's happening not even just about nature but about ultimate human nature that is underneath all these programs that we've been given these mind viruses so if one is sort of emotional in perceiving in the moment one gets fed a Pima medically things to say and actions to do I think I talked about epigenetics in a way it's like the perception feeds the gesture in the moment as opposed to precognition or cognition and thinking about things before we act it's fed based on our perception and our perception is based on our level of consciousness as well a map consciousness gets us in touch with those inner human dimensions that until that point have been largely mysterious to us and those inner human dimensions those are mysterious those are the mystery and we cover that up with my story my ego consciousness me me my mind I and all that and then we don't experience ourselves and our lives as a mystery because we've already wrote the story we've already decided who we are and what life means and I don't know if I've said it this way before but I feel like the scariness that happens in map consciousness it eventually becomes scary even if it starts out beautiful and wonderful and rich and all that it's almost like it's a way for us to come back to consensus reality because if it kept going like that it would be very difficult to actually reconnect with reality we would no longer really have the perceptual apparatus to even see and experience this consensus reality we'd be so deprogrammed from it so it's almost like we can only go so far for so long and and so much further away from the level of collective consciousness of humanity before we sort of have to snap back but in the meantime we still do change the fabric of reality ever so slightly so it's almost like being an explorer of consciousness and exploring the inner domains of consciousness and so consciousness is trying to expand itself through us trying to increase its complexity and that's not just through chaos it has to actually coalesce into some kind of intelligence system for that complexity to be realized in a way just like a cell had to be created which is it's not random and I was seeing again through watching the movie that I don't want to as much focus on my experiences in the mental health system but what my experiences are pointing to and meaning on a greater whole and by creating this context and changing the meaning of those experiences at least for myself then the other part naturally falls away the need for the system perhaps falls away like what are the messages pointing to
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this energy is trying to get to know itself to see what it's capable of it's capable of anything but I guess perhaps to see what it's capable of in the human form and in the book he also talks about natural growth versus working on growth or something along those lines which is what i mean by the original trajectory we can't help but grow but when we're working on growing we're actually contorting and distorting the natural growth process and on page 147 he says what would happen if you decided not to treat yourself as a thing to be improved and instead open to the possibility that it's your nature to continue learning growing and evolving and I feel that's true there's the we're born as learning and growing creatures I wonder about the nature of a mirage and how as we drive closer to the mirage the water disappears I'm just wondering to myself if so-called psychosis or even map consciousness is like a mirage in a way and it's almost like a mirage of death it feels like one's going to die yet as a process goes on one gets closer it doesn't happen like death doesn't happen so in that way the fear and the terror is sort of Mirage I'm wondering if that's like a mirage in consciousness I'm wondering if I could possibly have that context arise when something that tries to take over consciousness as terrifying might come into consciousness I like what he says on page 162 he talks about traditional approaches to coaching and training blah blah our application based learning teaching techniques skills methods and then encouraging people to apply them while these approaches can be useful for routine mechanical processes their effectiveness drops off sharply for complex cognitive and creative skill sets why because successful application depends on clarity and the quality of brains and he talks about implication based learning focusing on the foundational principles that drive high performance there is no separate implementation step as individual see the implications of these foundational principles implementation is automatic insightful understanding of the principles behind clarity literally removes contaminated thinking and allows you to see more clearly I think that's what I'm doing myself a bit is this implication based learning I see the implications of things and what's implicit and I'm always learning that way versus learning skills techniques methods from somebody else to superimpose in my consciousness to then act as a compass by which to act whereas if I'm always learning the learning itself is the acting even just learning right now by extrapolation by talking to myself I see the implications but then I also see the implications of this process of me talking to myself on a whole and I was even thinking about how before when I've been in so-called psychosis I've told a friend to videotape me because I feel like it'll sort of collapse the wave function into existence like that happened for real it wasn't my imagination and in a way I felt like that would make it so it doesn't need to be repeated because I process that it happened and here's the proof in the same way I feel like me doing this self dialogue is like that process but in Reverse like why not record all the healthy context that I'm wanting to unfold because in the video of psychosis I was unfolding the context of I'm a homeless person and this is the pain that homeless people feel and it's excruciating and I'm freezing cold and i just am stuck here and i can't even move I've gotten to the point where my reality tunnel has so collapse that I can't even move and this is sort of the opposite of that and to by having all these self dialogues of me supposedly well it's showing myself my wellness as opposed to talking about it in terms of problems and again it goes with that quote by that philosopher I'm not talking about this process of experienced as a problem I'm talking about it as a mystery and mysteries don't need solutions they just are to be explored and wondered about maybe part of what consciousness is trying to show in map consciousness is the nature of thought because most of time I'm pretty clear but when psychosis comes in there's thoughts and there's lots of scary perceptions and they're all just thought and they don't really have anything to do with the present moment and then I'm lost in a world of terror because of those thoughts well that's what's subtly happening to everybody all the time just in regular ego consciousness with one's thoughts and that's why especially recently I've seen any thought if one does enter my consciousness as something not to associate with because if one thought leads to another and another and another then it can turn into something scary so I see even a single thought as something like a snake to be jumped away from if I have an insight or something new I that's fine but an old memory nothing I don't want anything to do with it so I observe it and then it just goes away instead of identifying with that in which point it can start to associate with other thoughts so it seems like the nature of thought is mapping our world and creating the world that we experience but map consciousness scrambles all of that process and then we're in a world of something completely different beyond experience just immersed in it and with it and part of it so map consciousness tries to remap us by scrambling those thoughts that are actually this big ego structure that is moving us about in our habitual form but when that scrambled we're all over the place creating new maps of ourselves even in our neurophysiology because we're acting different or gesturing different were speaking to more people than we normally would that's actually a clue for embodied mania has talked to more people talk to more strangers there's something powerful about strangers and it could be that there's a moment with strangers when the me becomes a we even if it's a smile so all the self dialogue is understanding the nature of thought and understanding the nature of consciousness through the process of so-called psychosis which is just the universe the universe is way more powerful than our little ego structure directing our life we're lucky that the universe has a mechanism where it allows us to operate that way and that would be the whole supposed free will principal and he talked about how the caterpillar has imaginal cells which is part of what helps to inform the metamorphosis process well our original mind our original trajectory is sort of like our imaginal cell that helps to inform our transformation and he brought up a good point somewhere in the book that when we have clarity and peace of mind it's not personal and the personal has the ego and so how can we have clarity and peace of mind when that is talking on so it would be about making life not personal life is life we don't necessarily have to make that events and experiences about us we aren't the true subject and we're subject to the laws of the universe not the laws of the ego and I thought of a word not just building community but building calm immunity meaning a community of immunity through the context to which it understands to be how the universe works and the universe works through us so how do we work for the universe and for each other because we're each a universe and the universe they use the term lived experience for mental health i would say i have lived experience of trans consciousness of mass consciousness of dancing with the universe as the universe by the universe I've lived experience of magic and through the process of map consciousness one becomes more raw the nervous system is no longer painted over with the words of explanation of the ego things can't be explained way are abstracted away from and so one is more sensitive so one has to be acting and moving more in alignment with the laws of the collective human nervous system and then medications come in and dull out that sensitivity that sensitivity is designed so that we actually can start to create that which is life affirming and moving away from those elements that our nervous system would naturally retract from and then comes the term this is against my neurology this is against my nervous system and so I do like the concept of neuro tribe I also thought of that society is a mental health challenge is mentally challenging if it was designed in alignment with the laws of being human we wouldn't need to think so much about it so we don't actually have to think about how to chew our food because it's just so much a part of us all these other things that are actually against how were designed we have to think about and I feel like reality could be designed in a way that was more intuitive that wouldn't require so much thinking in order to navigate and it could be also that we think we have to think in order to navigate when really don't so it's the thinking that is the problem and if we weren't thinking and we were sensitive we would be sensitive to all these things that thinking makes us insensitive to and that's why we think to remain insensitive because we don't actually want to see what's happening we don't want to see what we're collectively creating that we're part of we've created a reality that ensures we grow up psychologically torturing ourselves with our own voice it's a clever trick I read a blurb about active learning and how doing is more powerful than reading which is pretty obvious and it also said that saying we're giving a talk is active learning whereas just listening isn't as active but if you're listening and watching a video it is active so watching and listening so actually what I'm doing is I'm actively learning by speaking this stuff to myself and I'm also creating a way for others to actively learn whether it's myself or whoever by having it on video instead of in books whereas a lot of people put their knowledge and experience into a book which is a passive way to learn so really this is just one really long book and a book might take 10 to 20 hours to read so what I'll be creating probably be like five or ten books worth of stuff and also there's a thing about transition of knowledge into skill and I actually feel like map consciousness is this other domain of knowledge of the collective inner dimensions of humanity and is trying to translate that into skill by allowing us to tap into that we're acting in different ways and being in different ways it's trying to create the knowledge of the mind of that invisible unknown realm into the skill of humanity another thing with these videos is by talking about this stuff and sort of creating a scale of talking to myself as opposed to just having supposed knowledge I don't even know if I would call it knowledge
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I think I was going to say that if for example I grew up and never knew how to use my arm and then some kind of energy came in and showed me how to use my arm it would feel weird at first to have this energy like moving my arm in different ways and then it went away but then I knew how to use my arm so then I didn't have to any longer have this energy sort of directing and guiding that learning process it was made part of my embodied self I feel like in the same way that this energy comes in and map consciousness and sort of as directing us in different ways and making us behave in different ways in order to sort of show us the way and then the energy goes away and it's up to us to work towards being that way and it's not really working towards being that way because in the process of being that way and learning with the universal energy we see the absolute necessity to be that way and so it's like it's sort of like gravity sitting on this couch right now I'm under the effects of gravity but I don't really think about it I don't sense it really unless I actually think about it but if I was falling out of a tree I would be very aware of gravity so it's something that's always there but it's just a matter of we only feel it in certain contacts so in our normal ego consciousness we don't necessarily feel these other forces because it's like sitting on a couch we just it's just part of the experience and we're used to it but being in that other consciousness is like being in the field of consciousness as opposed to the field of the ego and it's like really feeling the field of consciousness because normally we're just in the field of our limited thought structures and on page 112 I like this bit he says so how does our habitual thinking take us out of the present moment by creating thought objects that take us into the future or past these thought objects can take a variety of forms remembering anxiety toxic goals worrying blah blah blah I just like the I like the idea of thought objects because even though they're very subtle they're still objects and by making it an object we're actually placing ourselves in the past or the future we are the object we are the thought object in those moments and so we are in the past or the future in those moments and he says the future and the past or thought generated illusions illusions that we experience in the here now but that goes along with what I was saying about how thinking is delusional it is a hallucination and another thing he talks about is how meditation has nothing to do with sitting cross-legged staring at the wall it's something that happens in daily life one thing I thought about was how am I using the present moment or how's my energy being channeled or divided in the present moment so if it's going into thought forms it's actually sort of dividing itself and channeling it into these thought forms and that's part of the waste of energy process and in terms of how am I using the present moment sort of implies duality in a way could be more like how's the present moment using me and there is no real me so it's like how sort of like however I am in the present moment is how I am or Who I am lately I've had this subtle gentle profound sense of gratitude and it's not like a practice of gratitude where I wake up and think about what I'm grateful for which is valuable to a certain extent but it's still an abstraction but I have a sense when I'm in the shower that I just feel so grateful that I have a shower to shower in and a toilet to go to the washroom in and a place to live in besides the noise but the last couple of weeks it's been quieter because of the snow and I I don't know if that's how I felt a little bit more this actual state of gratitude it feels like a state of gratitude as opposed to a feeling and it's not like I'm in the shower and I'm thinking I'm so grateful that I'm showering it's this subtle perception of just feeling really grateful for having a shower and to me it could be because this presence thing is getting somewhat deeper that I'm not even thinking about goals what I'm trying to say is that the moment feels completely fulfilling within itself so just showering is fulfilling I'm showering in and it feels fulfilling that I'm showering and I feel grateful that I have a shower and all of those sensations are are present in the act of showering versus say using the shower as a means to think about other things I often have a lot of insights in the shower but I haven't been having as many insights in the shower and the last couple of weeks to actually have noticed that even my bad feels even more comfortable like I feel maybe a bit more embodied that I'm really noticing my body more and this is probably temporary it's a flux and flow of everything but it's kind of it's kind of nice and if we create thought-forms we can't adequately respond in the moment it's in our mind screen it's in the way a good question might be what does this have to do with the moment here and now in this process of creating thought forms it creates inner space and time it creates a direction towards the pastor back towards the future that gives us this illusion that we have somewhere to go internally when there is nowhere to go and no amount of movement by the psyche is going to create it so we can actually go somewhere else and that all that movement i think is tied into dopamine and pleasure and blah blah blah and when we're experiencing that as pleasure we're not actually feeling our body and our body just feels it feels good to be embodied it feels good to be alive without the need for pleasure pleasure covers over the actual and Nate fulfillment that we naturally have in an activity or in whatever it is in the moment and that feels so much more rich it feels it's hard to describe whereas pleasure is just like whew that's good and pain is so that's not so good good bad replaces the richness of wondering what it is and just being with what's happening and on page 122 it says there was a philosopher kirkegaard who said life is not a problem to be solved it's a mystery to be experienced and map consciousness trans consciousness definitely feels like life as a mystery to be experienced an ego consciousness feels like life is a problem to be solved so I think there's a lot of wisdom in map consciousness and trans consciousness and that's what I like about being more in linear consciousness and still harvesting my mania and my experiences because I can still stay in touch with the mystery and still be mystified and baffled and in a state of wonderment and awe and part of me talking about it this way to isn't to say oh that was the most pleasurable thing that is more pleasurable so that's what how I want to exist if I translate everything in terms of pleasure and pain there's no learning in it because it's just utilized as a means to an end to fulfill pleasure and you talks about look away from the content of our experience and towards that which is creating our moment-to-moment experience the formless principles of mine thought and consciousness so his whole book is about understanding the principles of mine thought and consciousness not substituting thoughts for better thoughts not all these gold things self-improvement personal development and he talks about how you'll still have ups and downs but behind them is the knowledge of your inner resilience and the default setting of your innate clarity and well-being and I think that's very profound the default setting of your clarity and well-being and you think it's profound because even when i go into extraordinary states of consciousness for a number of days or a week or whatever my default state is still clarity as he called it or non thought or the unknown and he talks on page 128 about how a film is neutral even if there's images and things happening on a movie screen it's actually neutral it's just light but our interpretation and our experience of the film happens within us and so to people watching the same film will have different experiences inside them and he talks about to how the film is just light and how the light comes from the projector and so if you turn off the projector there's no light there so it comes from this formless and the projector translates it into light and it's on the screen and it takes form but really you can't have one without the other you can't have the form without the formulas and the foremost without the form so to look at a movie and feel emotional about it one could look at and say that's just light coming from a projector and it's completely neutral so in the same way I think he might be alluding to that we can be neutral in our position of watching the thought forms and the light display on our inner mind screen it's just forms coming out of the formless and we identify that with them and take them seriously and that would be like feeling attached to what's happening on a movie screen in one's daily life and I wonder if the energy is trying to map itself to get to know itself sort of like how dr. Daniel Siegel talks about how the mind uses the brain to create itself I wonder if that could be part of it that our mind if there's a personal mind there's a universal mind then there's sort of like personal mind which is part of the quantum hologram each person is like a laser on a part of the holographic image to make the 3d reality appear well what if one's mind is growing separate from the body in terms of one's potential the pattern of who won really is from one's original trajectory which I've talked about before and we're pushed off are our original trajectory of how we would grow in sort of like ideal circumstances and things like that whatever it is I guess in a way it would be sort of like if you have a seed and you put it in the ideal soil it's going to grow a beautiful flower but if you put it in less than ideal soil it's going to grow a flower but maybe it'll be kind of wilty or susceptible to disease and whatever so the mind is sort of like the original soy of a person and so we can go all over the place with our programming in our thought forms but our mind is still always there as that original soil and it's growing with us and alongside us and so this process of so-called psychosis or trans consciousness or map consciousness is trying to get us to sort of break out of our habitual patterns and sort of run around making new maps of ourselves by having all these varied experiences outside of our regular habit cycle where we're not even paying attention to anything anymore because we're just programmed into utama ton's so we have this mind well that's sort of arising with us sort of like a person who has a delay in the aging of their consciousness and is I don't even know the proper terminology developmentally delayed or something supposedly apparently from our perspective that's how they appear I feel like there's another element that's growing separate from us so we have our body we have our sort of mind ego expression some people stay know the age of like a 10 year old or something and they're adults from our perspective who knows what the inner subjective experiences of this person they might be enlightened for all we know like a frequency holder who knows but anyways I think there could be another element this mind this sort of collective personal mind in a way because it's changing with the collective soil and what the collective needs us as human beings to be so it is sort of being altered and it's almost like it's being poisoned by society slowly which is actually what is the impetus for us to go into other states of consciousness to make other maps of what is possible for ourselves outside the ego habitual expression and the more we actually work towards embodying that embodying Armenia which actually might be nothing more than not being habitual at all not necessarily a certain thing but just not attaching to anything at all the more we're in alignment with that the more we're in the lineman with the universal mind and sort of the personal mind in a way personal mind in that it's sort of what is affecting us in our environment which includes our own conditioning and our brain and our experience and everything but what I'm saying is poisonous environment or poisonous psyche elements will eventually cause us to sort of burst out of this conditioning in order to make maps of a new way of being as ourselves for ourselves and for the world so I think there's this mind element that it's always there and if i was to snap into that right now like if i was to go into manic consciousness i would be a completely different version of myself which would be just as real as the version i am now there's no one version this whole like consistent personality is an illusion it's something we all subscribe to to make each other comfortable and because we're not creative and artistic in our experience of ourselves in our expression of ourselves moment to moment because we don't use each moment to express and learn from our expressions and learn and then just forget and start again and just start over a fresh so I feel like that other consciousness is trying to get us out of that habitual way and then as soon as we're out of that habitual sit way we're seeing as acting at a character and then we get captured by psychiatry Singh will take this pill and let's band-aid up your ego dopamine structure which is going to prevent the other areas of your brain consciousness from flowering and it's not even just about that for an individual's sake but once a person transforms into that they're going to be totally different in the way they're relating to the world not from an egocentric point of view and I think that's one of the fundamental things is just to not have an egocentric point of view and one might think well easier said than done well exactly that's why the universe comes in and does it for us maybe there is nothing we can do to actually really get to that is about the universe coming in you could call it grace you could call it whatever but it's basically a grace that erases the ego disgraces it's completely it's completely random which makes sense because if there were a way to get there then someone could figure it out and actually contrive it but when you think about if it's completely random then there's no way to get to it so there's no how to there's no self-help there's no nothing so the important thing I figure to do would be to actually learn about supporting those that do randomly go into it so there's all these people out there trying their darndest to be spiritual or get to enlightenment and I think I have just told myself and I'm seeing the sense in it that it's completely random there's nothing you can do so there's nothing you can do help the ones that go into it but the thing is the ones that go into it are mistaken to be mentally ill and then help is in that type of paradigm when if people were supported in their transformation not as mental illness but as this person has been randomly d contrived by the universe then and we better keep them safe because they don't understand the laws of consensus reality they don't understand they've gone back to their original state they've had the slate wiped clean they're like babies again even though they're adults they need to be received with unconditional love and understanding and perhaps that's the thing it's the unconditional love and understanding that's the most important for the people who have not gone into those other states of consciousness that are pushing a person towards enlightenment against their will is to unconditionally love and acceptance and provide safe space and understanding and non judgment for those who do go there and that might actually be may be the only way for people who want to get there to get there because it's really about learning and understanding about consciousness itself not about being attached to the thought forms that we've created as conceptualizations and abstractions about reality and then judging good and bad based on that it's about understanding consciousness itself and seeing that consciousness is more powerful than anything and it can come in like a at any time and change somebody's life and then we put them into this medical paradigm now we have all these people educated in that paradigm of so-called help that doesn't really help anyone but it just keeps one suppressed and it's like a rebirth to childhood and that person needs to be received like they're a newborn child be as a child we're all trying to get back to that childlike consciousness in the process of map consciousness and trans consciousness gives that to us yet we don't have the support structure for people to go through it and then there's all the other people out there trying to be spiritual well think of people that go through these other states of consciousness as trying their darndest not to be spiritual because they go into this domain that's felt as spiritual because we're so far away from what it means to human beings that we feel like it's so meaningful and spiritual but by the people who don't go there helping support the ones that do maybe we will bridge the gap between materiality and spirituality and that the material world will feel spiritual in that it will be innately fulfilling and exactly how it's meant to be each moment
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I haven't made any videos in a few days and my iphone was getting pretty full so I was downloading some of the videos from iCloud unto a unto an external hard drive and when I was trying to confirm which ones I could delete from my phone because they were officially on the external hard drive some of them were really old and I was just a bit surprised with the way I talked and even the sound of my voice it feels like it's changed and I've been doing this self dialogue for about six months it'll be six months in like a week or something and the first couple months I only did a few videos but then lately I've been doing more and more so I've probably been doing it more intensely for say three months and part of what I possibly intend to do is when the date hits the one year mark from a video is to watch it and to sort of do a video from the present moment but also talk about the year before so it's possible if I do it that way that it won't be a while until I actually release stuff the other thing I might do is just be like wow that early stuff is really bad release it at all but I think part of this process for me is just showing that self dialogue can be helpful we usually assume that we need to talk to somebody else to help us and this might be a different form of self help in that I'm helping myself by expressing my own thoughts and unfolding my own learning so not relying on looking at a book and looking at other people for the answers and I'm finding that more and more of the supposed answers are within me and it's not that I haven't been influenced by anybody in terms of reading and things but the thing would be that in my own process of exploration if there is anything that was from somebody else that I realized in the moment it rises in the right moment versus just always reading books and really I feel like it's restoring me to learning for myself from myself by myself with myself and in that I'm actually learning from other people too because my own process of learning one with myself is the same that happens when I'm out and about so i can have sort of realizations and aha moments all the time like yesterday I looked at a picture of my baby niece and she was sucking on her clothing and was all wet and I just thought of an idea that certain time period of clothing could actually have like a teething toy in the clothing because the baby is not yet quite able to really hold on to a toy for very long and put it in their mouth but they could probably grab the collar and put it in their mouth whereas if it's like a toy and it falls over to the side they're not going to reach out and grab it so that was an idea I had and that I had another idea that one day a person will be able to pay for an item in the store with their fun and not have to line up at the till so right now it's Christmas shopping time there's big lineups people could have like a square reader and and the store knows that you're in the store and scan the item and off you go and I had another idea too but I forget what it was but these are just ideas and and those happen on time for me and I get tons of them and that'll really have the time or energy to pursue them nor do I really want to but it can be fun to have those types of ideas and I feel like people who have access to this inside consciousness are creative with ideas even though they may not have the means or want to carry it out because if a person has a thousand decent ideas in a given year they're not really going to carry them all out it's impossible whereas there's other people out there who have the capacity to carry out a good idea but don't really have any good ideas so I think that's something that could be explored as well well let's see if that stopped so another thing is that sort of unrelated but I met up with a new friend recently and what was interesting was that I didn't have this urge to out myself as being diagnosed with bipolar disorder it was almost like all of this talking I've done with myself with all this different context was actually protection against me talking about it in a way that is not the way that I've been unfolding the context about so usually if I meet somebody new I feel compelled to tell them that I have this diagnosis mainly because I'm not ashamed of it or anything because mostly because I don't actually believe it in my heart and being it's a construct that I've been given to describe different experiences that I've had but I don't see it as true so usually me saying that to somebody I don't even know why i would say it i guess i would say it because there's certain factors in my life that's sort of like oh why aren't you working full time at of whatever or whatever so by saying that it sort of explains those other factors and and so maybe it's useful to that extent but in terms of actually describing my experience it's not very useful but it might be useful to describe how certain things in my external life are structured for out somebody else to understand it I could say man if I spend too much time and consensus reality I get overloaded it's like information overload and because jobs are in society can be information overload blah blah blah so I don't know what I'm sayin with that exactly but what I'm trying to say is it just felt different in my being and normally I don't feel afraid that someone will judge me for saying oh I have bipolar disorder because if they do whatever like see you later because regardless of what it's labeled it makes life very interesting and then with this person we got into conversations about like I told them about my universe flipping the coin thing which I don't remember if I talked about before but they were open to that because they had some different experiences about stuff so just by having more conversation I was able to discover that this person is open to those sorts of other energy so i can always talk about things in those terms because it's a shared understanding anyway so that was cool because I've met somebody before who I told about it and then they were just the type person that wasn't really open to anything other than consensus frameworks of thinking and experiencing things so if I would have said something about an experience that was kind of out there whether just slightly out there or like whatever they wouldn't have been open to it so to me it's not about whether somebody is able to accept mental illness it's whether somebody is open to exploring that context and the fact that people who never get diagnosed with something have other conscious experiences all the time it's actually quite normal when it gets to a certain point then it's labeled as an illness but that's perhaps because we're not having these types of conversations that normalizes people's perceptions and then if it's not normalized than a person can get afraid and when one's afraid of one's own experience it's going to create more fearful experience so it could just be the fear of going crazy when it gets a little bit too outside one's comfort zone that causes it to spiral into that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy I remember thinking during my very first experience like am I going crazy and lo and behold I did end up in the psych ward going crazy and another thing that I discovered I haven't really read books lately but I picked up a book that I have on my kindle by ug Krishnamurti and he was talking about how when all the old structures are dying in oneself one becomes like a corpse like it actually well he explains it in the book and I think it happened to him on more than one occasion but basically it's almost like the body's almost dead and then it comes alive again and he talks about how it's part of this process of the universe and that's what happened to him and I remember the first time I had an experience of this consciousness I thought I was being crushed by the universe and dying in like basically going down to barely breathing not moving quite catatonic and I had that on more than one occasion and so it makes me think well wow that's sort of a process that we go through but it's just not really understood so he is a really good explanation of that and it's a pretty frightening process I've had that happen pretty much every time I've gone into so-called psychosis and the other thing that was interesting was i went to value village and i thought to check out the books before I shop for some clothes and and the first book i looked at picked up was this book called The Little Book of clarity and I was flipping through it and I don't really buy books so much lately but this one called to me in a way because it's actually a book about not thinking and and Krishnamurti talks about this J Krishnamurti all he really points to is all of the machinery of thought and how it's not the same as in sight lovebeauty truth blah blah blah and then Eckhart Tolle is the one who also talks about it in a way he talks about watching the thinker and then over time the thoughts lose their hold and they disappear and it's not about changing one's thoughts it's about seeing that one is beyond thought and then when one sees that the thoughts lose their power and they start to dwindle and wither away and I first read that book years ago and when I first realized that I wasn't my thoughts I was like whoa that is huge and then I practice the power of now for however long and then all of those thoughts went away so my brain doesn't have any thoughts in it in terms of me hearing my own voice whether there's subtle thoughts that operate below the surface without my own voice happening that is a different story perhaps that I don't know about because I can't hear anything happening but I don't hear what I'm going to say before I'm going to say it I don't hear myself talking my head when other people are speaking I don't talk myself to sleep I don't hear my own voice things arise and I've talked about this before but it's not really an interesting topic of conversation because most people their brain operates with thoughts happening all the time and I can sort of remember what that was like but i don't i don't think that process could turn on again if i tried though it does turn on again with the process of so-called psychosis and so this book was really interesting and I actually sat down on Monday after I got home and I read the entire book in one sitting and I just got up to use washroom and I don't think my mind wandered once because my mind doesn't wander was thinking is the wandering thing 190 pages is a small book and it's not super dense in terms of the words on the page and everything but I did get a few things out of the book and it made some notes on it so I did stop to make a note when I read something that I wanted to expand upon and the person who wrote the book Jamie smart has a program of coaching for clarity coaches which is to help people declutter their minds and he does talk about what I've been talking about somewhat I think how when the mind is silent something else is operating and it's actually more clear because there's none of this abstracting going on which is often a movement away from the present moment so and he does a good job of pointing this out and illustrating that and a few things that he said we're good even for my own brain to hear and to sort of break apart other subtle structures that are probably there and there's there's possibly lots of them I mean he talks about how when we see something for ourselves and we understand it we don't need to have a how-to or something like that because it's getting rid of the false stuff that's in the way so what's really needed is clear seeing and understanding and learning not trying to grasp on to a concept and then move towards that abstract concept it's more about seeing through abstract concepts and then really being in touch with the moment and then always having the sense that one can respond adequately to what is in the moment because one isn't somewhere else in their mind and i came across somewhere else to focus on learning rather than helping that makes a lot of sense because I could think I'm trying to fix myself I'm trying to help myself but really I'm just learning with myself and that doesn't even require trying learning is learning is it's an innate capacity that we have back to this book on clarity the little book of clarity I made a couple of notes of pages that were super relevant and page 83 says your mind is a self-correcting system its set point is clarity resilience and well-being the benefits of allowing the mind to find its own way back to clarity vastly outweigh the benefits of external intervention why because external intervention stops the self-correcting system doing its job clarity is what a person psychology is always endeavoring to return to and that really resonated with me because I see distress and what's labeled as psychosis as also a self-correcting system a very very powerful one and it has a lot of fear in it and it can be very scary and it definitely needs support through the process but the process is externally intervened with through chemical means which stops it from completing and then because it's stuff from completing a person is turned into a chronic mental patient that would be like stopping a caterpillar in the chrysalis stage and then thinking all the caterpillars completely non-functional so now we have to take care of it when it was supposed to transform into something else into a completely different function into a butterfly that's flying through the air and we don't even know what this phase what this process is trying to self-correct I think it's trying to self-correct a lot more than just personal anguish if it was just personal anguish a person would feel the personal anguish but it wouldn't be to the extreme where it makes the whole person completely non-functional and needing protection it's a person needs support and protection through that like they are in a chrysalis if you expected a caterpillar to start walking around in the chrysalis phase it wouldn't be able to see it might walk off the branch of a tree it doesn't know where it's going it doesn't have its proper nervous system or perceptual apparatus to even know what is what so the external intervention stops the self-correcting mechanism from happening and so I feel my process will always be going back towards this self correction because it's trying to correct something I feel like it tries to correct my path and I'm on to get more in alignment with the universe it's sort of like if a butterfly wanted to remain a caterpillar after it being turned into a butterfly just wanted to act like a caterpillar that's sort of the equivalent of what's happening is that people are trying to go from caterpillar to butterfly but the system comes along and says you have to stay a caterpillar and so the caterpillars like in this chrysalis and people in the system are like holding its hand trying to walk it along and everything because it's having trouble functioning because it's not a caterpillar anymore and it hasn't yet turned into a butterfly and he talks about on page 86 Jamie smart talks about the known versus the unknown so he's talking about where new ideas come from he says the known is the database of thoughts you've already thought including your habitual ways of thinking about yourself your life and your world the unknown is the source of all fresh new thoughts the formless power of thought when we have clarity our minds are free from contaminated thinking and we create space for new thinking to flow in I feel like that is a good distinction between how it works when a person is able to see through the veil of thought and and operate from a position of clarity ideas come from the unknown and there is that space for those ideas to arise in consciousness they can't arise in consciousness when we're always associating about the past and on page 92 he's talking about how when we're born we don't realize we have a nose we don't realize we have eyes or face or anything like that we didn't know our hands were our hands and then eventually we started to make a map of ourselves and a map of our environment and I extend this idea to how in trans consciousness and map consciousness and that other experience is trying to help us to map those other parts that we don't take to be ourselves but our part of ourselves sometimes things will happen in the other state of consciousness that seem like leaps in the laws of physics or that seem like magic but when we were babies it might seem like magic that all of a sudden we have a toy in our hand but then we realized when we get older somebody brought the toy so certain things that happen in map consciousness and trans consciousness might seem like magic or odd but it's just because we haven't figured out what is bringing that to us or how it works and I've also gotten to the point in that state of consciousness where I figured out exactly how it works and when that happens is like game over and that's when I actually go down to the bottom of the scale of consciousness and have to work my way back obvious like wow I see like it's all XYZ I see that and it's just it feels very dejected because there's nothing to do like if you understand how it all works there's no surprises anymore so so we actually don't want to figure it all out and so he says we've created a map of who we are a map we keep updating and math consciousness helps us update the map of ourselves we're not who we think we are we're something totally different than that and map consciousness is trying to show us that
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it would be nice to create enough context where people could completely avoid the medical system this context isn't necessarily for people who think they have a mental illness it's more for people who think they don't have a mental illness so in that way it's not actually talking about a medical problem I don't feel for myself like talking to myself in this way I've been talking about my medical problem I want to transition out of the medical model myself it would have been an amazing if six years ago they had a different context and I could have avoided it all together by understanding this process and therefore not fearing it so I don't think trans consciousness or neuro re-emergence is a medical problem and so if people are able to have that context because really it's something that's been medicalized that isn't necessarily medical it's a natural phenomenon it's been turned into what it is because of the way it's perceived and received and responded to reacted to it was responded to a reacted to it in a completely different way it would transform into something else even over the years before people were just kept in institutions and never released and thought that they could never live in the community and now most people are living in the community but they're medicated so to me it only makes sense that in however many years from now most people might be on medications for a short period of time and then not on anything so it'll be seen as something that can be completely recovered from and honestly recovered from does that saying it's an illness it's it is a transformation so the medication might help to slow down the process of transformation in the intensity of transformation but the process still has to be completed and integrated which might look like somebody completely redesigning and recreating their life and it's pretty difficult to redesign and recreate one's life if one is completely dulled out by a lot of medications and then basically told to live in your parents basement for the rest of your life whereas if it was received as a transformation one would be supported to create a new life as the process is unfolding in order for the process to integrate and ease up because one is moving towards that which the transformation is energetically pushing one through towards and there was another thing that guy said when he did that talk about the factors that are important one was genuineness and I like I can't be genuine working in the medical model because I don't see it that way so I can't be my genuine self and this is more my genuine self and I'm finding this easier to do which is to speak as my genuine self when I shared my story a while ago and I thought I did a really good job I never heard from the person that invited me to share and I thought it was strange because I thought that maybe it was an affirmation that they didn't like what I had to say not that I said anything too extreme but it just made me feel that way I guess or as I shared my story at this other thing and somebody emailed me and said that was good i want you to write an article about your experience there and i don't usually expect anyone to say anything when i share but the person who didn't say anything had a lot of opportunity to say something like so and i'm not saying that as bad i don't care it's more I'm saying that as perhaps that's not the right direction for me to go if I'm unable to share as my genuine self and I feel like maybe one day people won't be pathologized right away they'll be supported through their distress and then if a year later they're still struggling maybe then the trouble with a lot of this too is that the help is tied into the diagnosis and there's help like finding a job or getting an amount of money per month because one can't work at the present moment lots of different supports so the whole system of support would have to be redesigned because people would still even though they're not maybe mentally ill they still might need financial support for a number of months in order to integrate the experience and and move through their transformation and actually I did mention a study that somebody mentioned where they were using the open dialogue approach to people who had their first psychosis and within two years seventy two percent we're back to work now people that are just medicated I don't even know what the percentages that goes back to work within two years but it's probably very small I don't even know like ten twenty percent or something so maybe it's not true that it would have to be reworked that much because perhaps people would really just get back to life and then not need this pathologizing so somebody who has psychosis doesn't necessarily need diagnosis of schizophrenia they could just have psychosis and two years later be fine but usually it's like psychosis oh and you have a few other things all your have schizophrenia and then it's turned into something chronic and then the medications that are given increase the chronicity and and ensure the pathology it like locks a person into that paradigm because generally once somebody's put on meds there's not like a time limit there's no oh well after two years we'll see how you're doing will reduce the meds so one gets stuck in that automatically so I think if it was received differently people would transform and transcend and and move on with their lives and move into a better version of themselves minus the parts that were naturally just trying to fall away through the ego scramble and maybe the University of trying to get rid of the ego all together is just trying to get rid of a certain percentage of the ego elements that are preventing a person from being their best self because what the universe needs is a person to be them their best self doesn't matter if they have ten percent ego or ninety percent ego if it's their best self it's their best self and I feel like the more ego one has the more strong it is the last one sees things in an altruistic way from a perspective of oneness so it could just be trying to introduce more oneness and altruism and yeah the ego is not necessarily bad because someone like Tony Robbins probably has a huge ego but he's using it for so much good and I wrote that our bio mechanical energy is limiting our programming what I mean by that by doing habitual behaviors all the time were not reprogramming our brain we're not doing new gestures that are going to shape our brains in different ways and and also when we're inhabit we're not perceiving we're not learning we don't have any new information so that's actually stopping new insight and perception eliminates programming and programming is biomechanical energy wastage because the programming is causing us to just act in habits which is just wasting our biomechanical energy going to work watching TV and so our thermodynamic energy that entropy is not actually being turned into new information we are thermodynamic energy information processors I think this has something related to when I'm coming to the end of my up down cycle usually I feel freezing cold by the end of it and I think there's something to do with entropy there with thermodynamics with information related to thermodynamics and I don't know how that works but it it's like perception of more information by having a clear mind screen having access to more bits of information that information has to be integrated it has to go somewhere which is sort of a it's changing the entropy of the system in a way and it's it's absorbing energy so it makes us cold so usually we have an ego compass and we get turned into Gaia's compass and also Gaia's voice in map consciousness and in a way it's like being in dialogue with Gaia I've thought before about the idea of being a thought leader and I actually think that thinking in its classical sense of rationalizing and abstracting only produces new ideas to a varying degree and it's pretty small and that's still what's seen as thought leader because people are not generally thinking up new things for themselves or maybe they are and they're not sharing them so it's generally pretty limited in terms of the extent like a thought can be different from an old thought to a varying degree and it's seen as something profound and a person who is able to collect a number of those and be charismatic enough to share them as seen as a thought leader and I actually feel like the word thought and leader doesn't go together very well because thought is just from memory and thinking is very limited and if we think that that process is what is going to lead us out of the struggles that humanity is in right now we are mistaken and to say thought leader like that's a great thing actually gets us trapped thinking that thought is going to save us when Einstein himself said we're not going to solve today's problems from the current level of thinking that created them because every thought new thought is from that same level of thinking it's from the level of reason and logic and I feel like the thoughts and the ideas and the insights that come out of map consciousness are from a level of love and some of them are harder to make sense of because they're actually from somewhere beyond work that were even capable of seeing right now and dr. David Boehm said we need a new source of thoughts and ideas he said that in an interview with David Suzuki and I feel like this other state of consciousness is at least one of those sources of other thoughts and ideas from beyond personal ego thought and personal education and exploring and recombining people's old ideas so I feel that perception extrapolation is actually more of a leading thing pattern recognition and extrapolating which I guess might be called lateral thinking in a way and when one can see laterally when one can see with one's entire peripheral vision I actually read dr. David Hawkins said that when you switch into those higher levels of consciousness love and above I think you actually start to see more with your peripheral vision than your focal vision and that's why I don't really subscribe to the idea of focus because when one is focusing one's only going to see what one's focusing on and that is limited by one's education and the trajectory of one's life whereas if one is not focusing one can actually take any perspective possible and who knows what that's going to be is just going to be whatever in the moment so actually feel like it's more like extrapolation leader extrapolating beyond and maybe some people who are thought leaders are extrapolation leaders I just don't really feel like thought is the best word to describe what's really needed which is more like perception insight learning seeing for oneself actually and then unfolding through words and language what it is that one is trying to paint a picture of that one actually saw just like how Einstein would have some big insight and then would take two years for him to put it into a way that people could actually understand what it was that he was trying to say and even then people still didn't necessarily get it or have the context through which to understand it we need to hallucinate a more meaningful reality maybe all meanings are hallucinations and delusions but the ones that consensus reality says they're okay to believe all those are okay and I feel like the stress in the body's actually what causes some of the epigenetic changes and maybe the bipolar biotypes that lead to these perceptions that are seen from the outside as loose nation and delusion in order to move us out of the poison of society and start to co-create something outside of the realm of stress and it's almost like those perceptions are what reduce the stress someone might still be in the same stressful environment but then they have these perceptions and hallucinations and so called delusions and those are almost like self-medication to be able to keep one okay and in a way that's why we fantasize in our mind because we can't stand the present moment so I think there's a self-medication thing in the hallucination but also it's showing what we could move towards in order to create a reality that we wouldn't have to hallucinate in order to experience and the stress of this reality is like a collective stress and then all of a sudden these children they're being born without being able to acquire the language which in a stressful reality acquiring language would just increase the stress it would increase the collective stress so it's like a distressing necessary reaction Gaia is trying to grow other brains and it does it in conjunction with the heartbeat and the heart is sensitive to stress and if it's beating in a stressful way is creating stressful molecules and then the brain is unable to learn but I think at a certain amount of stress the brain starts to try to learn again by creating these hallucinations our brains aren't fully grown and our brains are being misused we're misusing the prefrontal cortex that has all this noise going on I feel like normality is still a very delayed brain it's been developmentally delayed we're stuck in ego consciousness what kind of brain grows in love I just had a sense that the scale of consciousness is also related to our spine like the chakra systems i guess like the lower energies are sort of shame around our base chakra and things and then we get into courage which is kind of like our gut and then we get into love which is our heart and then we get into probably joy is like the throat chakra being able to sing and speak and so I just feel there's like this instrument that we are and the lower chakras are not necessarily bad though they're associated with shameful things because I just remember when i was in terror i was having these sensations in my lower chakras and i was also feeling absolutely terrified like fight or flight I wonder if speaking to sort of integrates the heart chakra and the higher chakra because the speaking is in between so it's a way to sort of integrate and give voice to both and the language we use is important language below the level of 200 of anger of jealousy of shame that is going to make us weak whereas above 200 is courage it's going to make us strong and that's why I think all this self dialogue will actually help make my nervous system strong partly because I've created a lot of context a lot of brain cells a lot of neural plasticity around this and it's all strength stuff so in that way I feel like it's possible my nervous system is stronger in that I've used my words and my body and everything to speak about this to speak it into neural reality at least and then perhaps having that context in my own nervous system I can emerge as that as I go about my daily life and I feel like our nervous system is meant to perceive Gaia not the little me and referring every perception to that we're misusing our nervous system we're misusing our brain we're misusing our voice we're being used by it I think that's one of the fundamental differences is using our voice versus being used by it using words creating words playing with words versus having them play on us if we get stuck in word loops I think they're only naturally going to be negative because they're not reporting on actuality because if we were actually perceiving actuality we would be an ecstasy joy and bliss and love there's no other way to be the fact we her own voice in our head saying repeating stuff is delusion and is illusion
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I have a book called client-centered therapy by carl rogers and i never read all of it i read bits and there was this one bit in it that says in order for behavior to change a change in perception must be experienced and i think that's one of the reasons that the universe is changing our perceptions or messing with our perceptions is that it wants us to change our behavior it wants us to change our behavior based on perceiving the fundamental oneness of things so we act different towards each other and nature and perception changes our brains so I think this other perception is one of the mechanisms that the mind uses the brain to create itself so in a way this is like an action of the universal mind trying to be created through us by changing our perceptions to change your brain to act differently to create in alignment with the universal mind and I was thinking about the for bio types of bipolar I might have talked about them a long time ago it seems like those are the different pathways of metabolism that are involved in the bipolar phenomena arising which is the other perception because I talked about how one can take a lot of different vitamins maybe in certain cases to believe the effects of bipolar perception but I'm also wondering that's like medicating one back to reality so I feel like it's also important to have those perceptions and maybe use vitamins and stuff to tone them down but the point is that these perceptions are coming through because the universe wants us to perceive in this way to behave in a different way so it's important to be able to tone it down for sure but what I'm trying to say is the for bio types of bipolar aren't necessarily the for pathologies in pathways of metabolism but of bipolar they could be the four ways that the energy of the universe is changing genetics and genetic expression for those perceptions to occur so those could actually be the changes in genetics that are needed as we move towards creating a different reality by seeing the underlying unity so those could almost be like the pathways of unity in the biochemistry because it's mirrored in the biochemistry and I was thinking about how believing is recording so the ego is sort of a recording mechanism and believing something is recording according to the ego a good question to ask is who is the one that believes and I was thinking about how language can be used for division in terms of the ego abstracting me versus you etc or it can be used for inquiry and in inquiring into something we're seeing into something which is perception which is going to allow the brain to grow which is learning and perception of something new is required to rewire and this is the opposite of habit so habit prevents learning and neural plasticity and that could be part of the thing actually is that learning is neuroplasticity and what is actually turned off through the process of our growing up as children is neuroplasticity itself we get stuck in a few tape loops and then there's very little neuroplastic change and tied to that is belief so if we believe things we're not going to be seeing anything much different than our beliefs and in map consciousness there's a lot of perceptions that are pretty unbelievable but perhaps it's important to not believe any of them because any belief is going to limit future perceptions and I feel like when one is transforming one needs psychological safety in order to get through the psyche and to get beyond the psyche any psyche element is partly of the ego and when is scrambling all that stuff is loosened up and broken apart and hard to make sense out but I think a lot of it would be just letting those go as well and in a way this context creation with myself is like translating those experiences into English otherwise it's just this none mapped realm so it's a way of mapping map consciousness and putting it into English words it's it's a domain it's a dimension beyond English and language but it's like translating that into English translating it into language creating a language to talk about it and understand it and I wonder if it's it's talking about that sensitivity that sensitivity that we all have access to as human beings and if we were in that sensitivity how would we want to be received and moving forward how can we design our lives and society to be an alignment with that sensitivity because that sensitivity is an even just human sensitivity I've experienced sensitivity to animals in nature so it's a sensitivity that's not just about humans but also about Gaia and in that way it's sort of like speaking also a language of Gaia usually when we communicate we're sort of speaking from our ego like oh this is what I did today that's what I did yesterday blah blah blah but we can speak from the perspective of the whole Gaia sphere we can give voice to that speaking from that sensitivity that we felt that maybe we don't feel right now today and it's a good thing because it would make it very difficult to operate but having that impression having that vision of that sensitivity it's still that way now we're just not in that space where we're one with the sensitivity but we were put in that sensitivity to come back and talk about that sense I heard this man talk at a day that I was at for work and he was talking about making a difference in people's lives and he was also talking about anything that suppresses the human spirit and I didn't write down everything he said about that but that part run true for me in terms of how being labeled and diagnosed suppresses the human spirit and it could be that sensitivity that we get in touch with is the human spirit or is the guy experient or a combination of both and then we come back and we're trying to talk to people we're really excited about this and nobody else can sense it and that suppresses the human spirit in general until one eventually collapses into the paradigm of oh you're mentally ill when really one got in contact with that sensitivity of the human spirit and was crushed in that nobody else can feel it and in saying that I almost feel like the only real way to make some of this known as to connect with the sensitivity of the human spirit and how does that happen without hoping and praying that everybody goes into manic consciousness and gets connected with that I think that's where things like music come in and it's possible that my path will go towards that I'm not sure and he talked about how kids learn by modeling and an observation and also approach avoidance and I feel like that's sort of how we are in map consciousness we're sort of like relearning re reality testing I wonder in saying reality testing in is that how one can design one's life going forward is sort of approaching something and if it doesn't feel good well getting away from that approach avoidance again versus planning rationally and logically almost like what would a child do would a child like this person I think this is reese enca tized in part of the neuro emergent process and generally they respond to human suffering with meds and this isn't what mens I think what mens is connecting with people in it I hope I can connect with some people that are of the same neural tribe because our brain sort of naturally are in sync versus interacting with people who aren't so much in sync with that wonder if there would be a way to create a way to sort of know if somebody's in sync with that I remember once experimenting with the celestine insight where if somebody gives you an insight you give them a dollar to or something and I totally did that and somebody totally responded and then I did it at the next table in the next table I was at this little Wellness Fair and I was sort of in that dimension of giving and receiving money for insight for a minute or two and it was masked it was like totally cool but they totally knew what I was doing and responded and the talk I heard the man said the number one thing for outcomes for helping people or whatever it was was working on exactly what the person wants to work on so working with someone not giving something to someone to comply to when I think about my hospital stay in April the doctor wouldn't collaborate with me they were paternalistic and said this is the medication you're going to be put on and I was like no but it happened anyway and that was a not a good outcome at all and then I was even thinking about it in terms of my own life like what am i working on with myself that I really want to work on and the job stuff I'm struggling with a bit I find I can sit down and make these videos for sure other than that it's mostly random whatever but if I was to design my life with exactly what I want to work on I probably wouldn't want to work on the job I'd work on these videos and other research stuff was also thinking about trans consciousness as this neural emergence as thinking together it's sort of thinking together with the universe and then people who have thought together with the universe likely can think together in terms of thinking with the universe because they've already experienced that thinking with the universe process and I feel like this transformation is like random d contra visions I talked about this before I think how the ego is sort of a contrivance and in bipolar Omni polarity and trans consciousness and neuro re-emergence there's this random d contra vision it's d contriving us I can't remember if it would be cool to create like a sotiria without walls if each one of us was asset iria a safe space is psychologically safe beacon and the other part is making this relational so it's one thing to support people and give psychological safety so they can transform but it's another thing for them to harvest practice and body move towards Armenia and share their visions and co-create visions together because I think that's the gift that the universe is trying to give us when it allows us to see in this trans conscious way so to only heal one's personal self that is important in order to move about the world in an embodied manic way or a trans conscious way to cooperate something different and that's really acknowledging the altruism which is the oneness when we feel the oneness we feel naturally altruistic and it's not even a concept of 0 and being altruistic it's just a byproduct of seeing the fact of how things actually are so how do we make it so it's actually that way well we need to actually embody the concept of altruism until it becomes something that's no longer conceptual the people don't actually conceptualize their egos because they see it as who they are like fundamentally who they are part of the context that I'm creating is to see that that is a false structure and it should be related to in that way and if it was related to in that way if a person broke down they wouldn't be diagnosed with a mental illness they would be congratulated I also came across the term neuro type reminds me of the term biotype and it could be the bio types are creating neuro types or vice versa and I feel like bipolar is a certain neuro type but it also has a lot of neuro types within it so it's more like Omni polar so bipolar sort of is a description how an ego would describe it because they would say feeling good is good and feeling bad is bad well there's a lot more to it than just feeling up and feeling down it's not a dual thing really but if we are looking at it with the consciousness of the ego duality then it seems like all the person's either up or they're down but the thing is when a person is supposedly up that process in itself is Omni polar it's all over the place it's creative it's learning and there's no like learning is learning and creativity is creativity and you can see that is good you can see that extra energy as good but it's not just up is what I'm saying and so it's it's all over it's creative and it's designed to be that way that's real learning learning isn't sitting in a desk in a classroom we can learn by remembering stuff where we can learn by actually creating imagine if our life was designed that each step we take we could bump into something that we would create we would perceive and we could see what we could create out of it I feel like these new neural networks are for the age of love we've been in this age of ego consciousness of duality of reason and I actually feel like it's trying to usher in the age of love and if you look at dr. David Hawkins scale consciousness the level of love is 500 I believe reason is 400 to 500 so there's this thing happening where we're trying to transcend reason and it seems very unreasonable it seems like a mental illness because somebody is not reasonable anymore but really they're trying their consciousness is pushing into the level of love and even if it only does so temporarily it gives one a vision from love which is oneness and altruism and is trying to connect us to that altruism which is love and that would actually connect our brains in such a way that we see that we were all each other I think that's part of the mirror neuron hyperactivity is that our brains really are connected to that altruism which is a act of oneness which is the fact that what we do to each other we do to ourselves and and it shows us a lot of insights beyond reason and we're able to know things by looking and loving and learning and in the state of joy and maybe that's where true learning is because when we're really in the state of joy we don't really need reason as much we can utilize reason but it's not the fundamental value of life it's not the prevailing level of consciousness and that's part of why I'd like to transcend the system in order to integrate in the state of love instead because that's more powerful than being in the state of trying to reason things out like I could sit here and like think of all these facts for the rest of my life and try to reason it out or I could be in the state of love and operate from that and I don't really know what would flower from that I can't say because it's not a reasonable thing it's not a logical thing so I have to let go of the logic to say this process that was initiated in consciousness is the love of the universe and I'm part of that and I can abide in that if I let go of the need to rationalize things and I think part of this transformation is actually a brain growth process and it's when the brain grows in this way in this narrow re emergent way there's growing pains there's these other ego things that come up into consciousness that are from the past that are stuck in our body that we sort of need to let go of in order to be able to go into that state of love and it's an interesting process because if one can actually forgive those bits as they come up one naturally gets closer to the state of love whereas if one actually identifies with them is going to bring one down to that level of that thought or that memory or that piece of karma and that's usually what happens for me I get to that state of love but I hit a wall and then I go I go all the way down to shame like boom in an instant pretty much and then I have to start again and go all the way up the scale again and it's not necessarily a bad thing it's painful I guess it would be ideal if I could go through that process of going back to shame and coming back up without going to the hospital because that could just be how consciousness works in this process at least it's not a static thing like even how I seem pretty static in these videos talking to myself I know I could end up on different parts of the spectrum of consciousness at any time and again I feel like it's like recalibrating and and almost giving me those experiences of those other parts of the consciousness scale in order to keep my mind screen open to all possibilities and even remind me of if I see something that resonates with that then maybe I'm heading in the wrong direction so I feel like these brain structures that Reese entities are starting to connect us with each other to actually co-create and that the brain is outgrowing the ego is very limited and it does stay intact to some extent but when those other areas of the brain come back into play and that could be one of the key terms come into play it's trying to get us to be playful to play with words to play with learning that's how we learn is by playing I feel like this trans conscious process is the universe seating its vision we saw it and it provides an imprint for which us to actually approach or avoid things that are not of that vision and I've talked before about how there's a lot of abilities and ability shun that happens through the process of bipolar and it's not acknowledged and these are the neuro immersion strengths and they're not seen that way because it's not seen as neural emergence it's seen as a mental illness and I think that again we sort of become like our own applied kinesiology Cole sensors and so this is the approach avoidant thing in reality versus sort of thinking and planning things out we have to rely on our sensors in the moment and I feel like we go over the prevailing level of consciousness in order to get a bird's-eye view of what needs to happen a vision of what needs to happen and part of what needs to happen is we need to talk about what needs to happen because even what one sees in those states is not necessarily what needs to happen what needs to happen is we need to get together and really communicate in this way and I really feel like love grows brain cells and our ego words actually are in opposition to that so our brain actually shrinks probably being told one has a mental illness causes the brain to shrink because if one was in a hyper learning state and then comes back and just is told it's all mental illness they won't necessarily allow their brain to go back into hyper learning because they're busy verbalizing about themselves in a pathologizing way and I think trans consciousness and bipolarity is the universe seating its vision its seeds its vision into our consciousness and more than one of us but we actually need more than one of us to actually grow those seeds and that could be part of it is that if it's a trans consciousness thing if it's something related to oneness then it would take more than one person in order for that to grow because one person trying to do it is is like an ego trying to do it whereas if two people are working other that is going to be the power that allows that to grow and it could be neat it could need two people working together to make it to grow as sort of a protective mechanism so one person can't use that vision as like a power over others and it likely the needs a lot more than two needs a lot more than one of us saying this is how the world really works is how the universe really works these are the fundamental laws and principles of the universe and they talk a lot about the laws of physics but they don't talk about the laws of the human nervous system and trans consciousness is trying to show us that stuff how we're all one and we're designed to work together and collaborate not mentally separate each other from ourselves and shrink our own brains and turn ourselves into bio machinery habits and the thing I'm really said much about but it's implies that this can be a lot of fun
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krishnamurthy talks in some of his videos about thinking together which is just as it sounds which is not about somebody saying something while the other person is agreeing disagreeing judging but actually thinking together at the same time and he also talks about you have to do it you have to actually see it so with the stuff that I've been saying to myself there things that I actually see it's not something it's not something that I came up with through intellectualization even though it sort of appears that way by talking about it and it's through the endo mimetic and epi mimetic process where something just sort of flashes in my mind and I can write it down and it's not from Association and he also talks about what are we going to do together to create a good society and he says we need to think together yet it seems to be the most difficult thing I guess I'm just wondering if anyone will be able to think together with what I was saying some of this stuff meaning actually thinking with it versus thinking oh that's true that's not true yeah that makes sense no that makes no sense that's not actually thinking it's it's judging which is blocking it it's not seeing so yeah I also had an insight that perception as learning as energy as perception gives energy to really understand something to learn something to see something new actually see it not take in words intellectually that's what rewires the brain and that clear perception is needed for that energy and that energy is would actually rewires the brain and sort of creates that perception mirrored in the brain that could be how I think I talked about how in manic consciousness there's like an imprint and that's how we can sort of go back and harvest Armenia we haven't really wired those things into reality so much but they're they're imprinted creating a greater context through which to understand things and that's how I actually feel like moving forward one who goes through that process can actually have access to this learning insight energy perception process more easily because the foundation the context has been laid as an imprint probably from being in that high energy state and I think that's partly what causes brain growth and neural plasticity because I talked about it too as it seems like it's this other brain growth or reactivating the atrophied neural pathways that we had as children and how they talk about oh what's unnecessary is pruned well I think what is pruned is what is designed by society to be pruned I actually feel like it's possible with autism that by not having access to words so much it allows those other areas of the brain to stay and not get pruned and then the words can be sort of added on top of that slowly but surely but it ensures those other dimensions of sensitivity and intelligence don't get pruned away and I was thinking about how in that state ematic consciousness there is a sense of beauty a lot of the time and there's a sense of perception of seeing and understanding and making meaning and learning and a lot of it feels beautiful and I'm wondering if how they talk about goodness truth and beauty if it beauty and love are part of perception in a way like that state of love is necessary for perception and love is beauty as well and so they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but maybe the process of perception itself is beauty whether something is felt as oh that's beautiful or not I have the sense that the process of perception is beauty itself and that perception is a thing of beauty and in a way the universe has created human beings which are beautiful creatures who can perceive Beauty and as beautiful creatures we can unfold as beauty or we've been trained to unfold as something else and that's why I think language and thought and the ego is a virus our software has been infected by word viruses and it's totally screwing up our hardware it's almost like the word viruses of the ego are what supposedly pruned the brain but really it just makes most of the brain go offline because we're intellectualizing and conceptualizing and abstracting about reality instead of being one and sensitive to reality the abstract seeing process actually prevents the sensitivity so those word viruses actually just keep those brain circuits going of those words which is very very limited when you consider the entire brain structure and it blinds us to we can't see past our own ego image memory thought complexes so I feel like the word viruses that we take in actually just make most of our brain and sensitivity unavailable to us but it seems necessary in a way because we've created such a insensitive world that if we were sensitive to it we would probably act like autistic children and I think they're trying to tell us hello you have to design world differently because we can barely stand this crap and that's a huge percentage of the next generation and it's for people's best interest to that don't have that sensitivity because they still do have the sensitivity but their mind is able to intellectualize things away and that could be what's causing a lot of physical ailments bye-bye intellectualizing things away our body is taking the brunt of it and there's all these chronic diseases and things going on so and we don't know what's causing it well it could be all the noise it could be all the chemicals it could be everything that is not natural and it's the unnatural ego that's able to brush it off and and be blind to what's happening and I have a sense that emotions are energy bouncing off thoughts and then if there's a certain thought structure that's particularly strong the energy if something similar comes in that's perceived there's like this big reaction from all these accumulated recordings of incidences around that which one takes personally and then it prevents us from seeing it's well known that when a person's emotional they can't think straight they can't see straight I was also thinking what is the habitat of this neuro track so the neuro tribe of omni polarity what is our habitat it's difficult function in the way society structured I came across this website that is bipolar dash neurodiversity calm there's not that much about it but it says what's this about bipolar people naturally have rhythms that go up and down in an upstate bipolar people tend to be feel expansive engaging creative full of life in a downstate we integrate rest and hunker down the sleep temperature and social needs of bipolar people vary a great deal depending on whether we are high or low we tend to be creative loving sensitive creatures our needs change frequently which can be a blessing as it leads to sophisticated attunement approached as a mindfulness practice living bipolar is a beautiful thing and there's a quote sensitivity and intelligence the combination will make you crazy but that's what separates you from the rest of the bastards and makes you worth talking to nick nelson so along with that it's like how do we design a life where that works because if one is down and one has to go to work and one can't go to work it's difficult to work nine to five and I talked about before how it'd be good for people to be project based or you know get this done in the next two months I don't care how and when just that's your task or get something done or get a number of things done that would be more in alignment with people that have these other x over them I think it's like a biorhythm of the universe it's not the rhythms of the programmed ego when that is scrambled and and decoupled from it's difficult to actually go by the structured clock of society it's more about moving with the universe and how the universe wants one to move within the particular universe that one finds oneself in and I'm seeing it could also be trying to get one out of the universe that one is created into one that's more coherent for a person with the biorhythms of the universe and a person that is able to create a different lifestyle design according to those biorhythms is going to change the fabric of the universe ever so slightly it's going to have more people dropping out of the structure of society and I feel like co-creation and collaboration comes in here because we have some really good ideas about visionary stuff and it would take more than just one person to be able to move forward with some of it so it's important to harvest one skills and assets and decide that one is going to use them for the greater good if one has housing and enough money for food and the basic necessities of life then what's the difference of using on skills and assets to change the world or just sitting and watching TV all day one's going to be more rewarding than the other and could lead to things that do have some source of income at some point but we don't really know I think that's part of it it's about co-creating in the spirit of love and seeing what comes out of it not oh this is my plan and I'm going to do this this this and I'm going to get that that's just part of the framework of society and I guess that's another level with this self dialogue is what I really would like to invite is collaboration on visions embodying ones man itself to carry out one's visions and I feel like if we were able to co-create different aspects of society design particularly for the Omni polar neuro tribe for that neuro reemergence then that would shift the whole society and maybe the whole society doesn't have to shift maybe it's just about people with the trans consciousness being able to create an environment that is suitable to them to be able to actually survive and to not go so up and down because if the environment is suitable then maybe there won't be so many ups and downs but I feel like the ops and downs are because one tries to fit oneself back into society so one goes back into visionary consciousness and then one goes through the scary hallucinations then goes into a depression and whatever it's like if we're just our creative selves and in the right environment them and actually talking with each other in these ways as opposed to oh you're bipolar too oh let's connect over our emotional pain it's no like we can be co-creators and collaborators I think this trans consciousness experience is like a wisdom tradition of the universe it's done this since the beginning of humanity I'm sure plunged us into the depths and expanses of consciousness in order to allow us to learn to to see what learning is it's not about learning anything in particular it's about being restored to learning and this is a time when humanity needs to start learning again for itself by actually seeing for itself not just learning from what others say is knowledge and I do like the term that is against by neurocircuitry that is against my rewiring that is against my emergent neural plasticity and I was thinking about visualization and I actually don't have the capacity to visualize really I don't see any images in my head but I was thinking about how they talk about the brain doesn't know the difference between visualizing shooting hoops and shooting hoops and people that do one or the other often perform quite similarly in the final test of actually shooting hoops for real so somebody that just visualized it it's like one shooting hoops and then I realized by perhaps talking to myself all the time this way it's not visualizing but it's it's communicating its talking about it in this way it could actually be creating that as a framework in my brain because the brain doesn't necessarily know the difference between me talking about it in this way and it actually being so so if I was that if I found somebody that I could actually talk to about this all the time in this way that would make it so and perhaps one day if I go into a bit of a crisis and I'm able to talk through it that will be able to transform it and perhaps doing the self dialogue with myself is a good precursor to making that so in reality I feel like talking to myself in self dialogue could actually be similar to visualization in that way so it's like I'm visualizing this all the time for myself every day and I also i'm thinking now that it's similar to affirmation and they say affirmations work to a certain extent but I'm not repeating one affirmation like I'm not bipolar I'm magical or something I'm saying thousands of affirmations and I would think that's more powerful than just actually repeating one affirmation so I could repeat one affirmation or i could say thousand things that are affirming what it is that I want my reality to be which is usually what affirmations are for as well is saying something that we want to be true and saying it like it's true now well I'm talking about this context in the same way this is true now for me I have experienced other stuff but I'm in the process of drowning it out and I think if each one of us did that for ourselves drown out that other context have it there if it's absolutely necessary which it's it's quite necessary right now but the more we drown it out it's possible the less and less necessary it will become because imagine I could want to just stress on the street tomorrow and somebody has this context this way of seeing they're going to receive me differently than if they don't and so that's going to change things so I'm starting by talking to myself about it and I feel that's pretty powerful for myself but it's still if I went into distress for some reason i would have nobody else with that context to come here and receive me and have a dialogue about it I have a friend I could call on the phone I have maybe one other thing i could call so the context i'm creating with myself might protect me to a certain extent it might actually prevent other thoughts arising that would get freaky that would move me towards the context that I don't want to participate in which is mental illness so it could prevent that or if I did get distressed I might be able to allow other context to arise to counter the context of oh my gosh I need mental illness help or whatever or I might be able to communicate differently to somebody that does encounter me to keep me safe might be able to say just be validating just be affirming just be unconditionally loving just be non-judgmental and I'll just stay with me just allow this to happen as so it's hard to say and that's I think partly where II CPR comes in is that I know that I know that that would be helpful context but also for me to creating this context for myself and self dialogue as a type of herd immunity and I talked about that before they talk about herd immunity well this is heard as in hearing my hearing will be immune to other contacts that might want to come in and pathologize me I think I always have been immune to some extent i can never did really believe it but I accepted that help because there's nothing else and that's where designing alternatives like that book on my own talks about that would be one of the things to Co pray together would be alternatives to the dominant paradigm and it's one thing to think oh let's create a respite centre but I feel like each one of us could be a respite centre for others not necessarily needing a building but having that context within our heart to witness somebody through their process and the way we speak creates new jeans and new neural networks it's part of the perception perception gives the energy to create a mirror of that which it perceived so if if it's the ego linear process that's just going to get reinforced over and over again or we have words we use words to get pleasure dopamine and this is how our words are repetitive thoughts turn us into bio machines because those repetitive thoughts are tied into a repetitive behaviors of our repetitive habits and then we're basically bio machines and the term spiritual emergence is quite popular with these experiences and I've said that I don't know if I would identify was spiritual the very first time I felt very spiritual for me and since then it's felt less and less spiritual because I think I've gotten used to it it only was interpreted as feeling spiritual because of the other nests to my regular experience which it is still spiritual which is fine and I kind of like the term neuro emergence and I made that up because it's sort of like the emergence of a new neural tribe it's it's sort of the emergence of new perceptions which are tied into the brain and neural network so it's like actually part of the brain coming back online and when we put in those terms it doesn't seem so Airy fairy seems like well like capacities of the brain are actually reawakening we already had these capacities as children so I feel part of my goal if I have a goal is to develop psychological safety for neuro emergence for these other sensitivities of the brain to turn back on these different lines of intelligence are being suppressed and I think that's one of the reasons why children are being born with autism because humanity can't argue with that and these other lines of intelligence are going to develop through the autistic children but again of course science wants to say that there's something wrong with these children I think they're sort of the answer to what's wrong with humanity they likely will not be allowed to flower into that and to be seen as the solution I can't imagine that happening but it's pretty obvious that they are and the question is will we love them if we love them unconditionally they're going to flower into the geniuses that they are if we don't they're going to be turned into exactly what we judge them as and their children so it's up to us to make that choice will we see all the capacities they do have and will we see all the capacities that they will have if we love them the way that is necessary and it's the same with people that go through trans consciousness or neural emergence interpreted as mental illness a lot of times family members can't unconditionally love the person and the person actually needs to be provided open space to re-explore rediscover recreate who they are not recover back into who the family remembers them to be it's like a blank slate in a way and I talked about dr. David Luke off and how his family really allowed him to explore and he went through the experience without ever being diagnosed with anything and that rarely happens so when a family perceives their loved one with the eyes of now my loved one is mentally ill it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy because they're going to always be perceiving them in terms of well you're not who you were if you're not acting like who you were before that means you're getting worse like it's it's all a bunch of crap I also thought of by polarity or Omni polarity as a natural resource that state of consciousness as a resource for lots of visions ideas information insights and it's not being utilized and harvested that way it's also a new resource for new neural networks and new perceptions and new perceptions are needed for new behaviors and we definitely need new behaviors and new ways of being as beings it's a type of perceptual diversity one thing people probably don't like about people with bipolar is that they call out people as they can see right through everything that's why I like the idea of chief disturber I came across in a book that in Africa they only have one word for speak sing and dance I think that's pretty profound
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I was thinking this morning how a lot of the stuff that I've experienced inwardly in these other states of consciousness are are in the past they're no longer real and how I was thinking about it was in terms of how these past non-real elements these sort of visionary and experiential elements feel like invitations to have dialogue about something that's more meaningful not that any one of those experiences was it was the ultimate meaning but to me it just points towards the fact that the daily life that we've been programmed into isn't really what brings meaning into life it can for a period of time or it can provide some sense of meaning that may or may not be really real in that it might be pleasurable but not necessarily meaningful in a sustainable way and then oftentimes we are funneled back into living a life based on the programming of society which again isn't meaningful which then might lead to one going into one of these hyper meaningful states and it's not to say that that state is the way to be ultimately because it's very chaotic but i think the chaos is trying to break up that which is not meaningful and even though that state can be chaotic meaning in that a lot of the meanings don't necessarily make sense or are totally irrational or require reality testing in order to see whoa that has no truth even though it seemed meaningful it seemed like a meaningful perception and experience but again that invites us to be explorers of our own conscious process rather than machine like in our thought process so that process eliminates the machine-like process in consciousness at least temporarily and to me that is part of the meaning of it is not that any of the meanings were the ultimate meaning that we're seeking or trying to create but the fact that we can create other meanings and that we are the creators and the perceivers of meaning but usually we're caught in perception of that which is unreal which is the egos false structures and beliefs and then we go into this other state of consciousness which is seen as even more unreal by society but in my mind it's trying to allow that which is more real to come into existence or come back into existence which is our ability to learn see meanings and create meanings not just have very few meanings repeated over and over in our head based on our thought process and I've talked about before how going into these states and when it gets distressing to me feels like almost necessary in a way because it forces us to reconnect it's difficult to process that distress on one's own and one can go further and further down that road of distress in isolation which to me is that monologue process that that dr. Daniel Fisher talks about psychosis as a log and to me is just being so far into one's own meanings by oneself in isolation that one needs to come back to the fabric of reality and in doing so one can bring some of the meanings in dialogue not just the scary ones but the ones that one had before before the process got scary and the process got scary I feel like because one goes too far into that by oneself without having dialogue because there's safety in being connected to people so the further one's perceptions go away from being connected to people the scarier it gets but I also feel that part of the process is not just a dialogue a person who went into distress back into reality but to also start creating other meanings in the process of dialogue with the distressed person with some of the positive you know the supposedly positive meanings that one came across to dialogue together about because when one goes so far into that process of meaning making and it gets scary society then says well that means this person has a mental illness when a person can be talked back into some semblance of reality but also start to have dialogue about what those processes and experiences meant and not just that but the process of meaning making itself so it's not just about oh I had this experience in that experience and it could mean this and it could mean that but the fact that we were reacquainted with our ability to perceive different meanings is an invitation to think differently about things because if our brain can be so decoupled from the meanings that we believe to be true on a daily basis that govern our lives to something totally different in a blink of an eye basically well then we do have that capacity to make other meanings which is going to create different ways of being and behavior and perhaps we need those different ways of being in behavior not just helping a person in crisis get back to normal consensus ways of behavior but also talking about the meanings collectively to move towards approaching things differently in daily life and not just that but approaching people who go into those states of consciousness so one is how we approach people who go into those states of consciousness and then also how we collectively dialogue going forward about what it is that's really meaningful and valuable in life because I feel like in that state since we're in that state of meaning making and in perceiving we see a ton of different meanings some of which may or may not be true or may be true in that moment for that particular person but there's also some more fundamental meanings that one can perceive and these more fundamental meanings seem to be sort of like the laws of nature the laws of human nature the laws of being human in nature and it almost seems to be like the laws of the nervous system and I talked about before how it seems like a child with autism needs that much more love to grow and flower unconditional love and I'm thinking that children that don't necessarily experience that perhaps experience more supposed tantrums etc etc and maybe go down a path of being misunderstood not allowing to flower not being provided that open space to develop the other lines of intelligence that the child innately has that can flower but if the condition is pre conceived as bad as not a normal expression of humanity then that's going to not allow the child to flower and in the same way i feel like people that go through this trans consciousness or neuro emergent process of supposed bipolarity which i would even call omni polarity because there's no real pole the person goes up down but in the up and down there is a rich experience of different perceptions and feelings and emotions so it's not just a good bad up down it's very rich so i would say it's omni polar there's no real politz it can be anything it's sort of the person arises in what is required in the moment it's a very moment to moment thing and I feel like a person in that consciousness also needs unconditional love and by diagnosing it as pathological as a problem as an illness it's not allowing that richness to flower because it's limited it to a sphere of well certain dimensions of the richness are bad and should be stopped and we don't have a paradigm where even the supposed bad stuff is met with unconditional love and understanding and I know that they used to do that at sotiria house in the 70s or whenever it was they would witness people's extreme states and you know people could scream and yell and and you know punch the air and stuff and somebody would just witness it and there's an importance to that being witnessed by another person and being unconditionally loved accepted and understood and validated because in that it's sort of allowing that to be in the eyes of perception of another person just like a child with autism is mostly you not have a parent around watching them if they're watching them with the eyes of judgment that's going to change how the parent responds that's going to change how the child is going to flower and in the same way with this omni poller process this trans consciousness this neuro emergent process and it could even be called neuro re-emerging because i feel we have these potentialities as children but they're not allowed to flower so those circuits atrophy so when they come back online in a reamer Junt process it feels so for and it feels so chaotic because the nerves are sort of growing in a chaotic way or growing very fast and and it's difficult to process all those perceptions it's information overload is having access to more information we have access to all the information as a child that's how we learn by pattern recognition by modeling but then it goes away in favor of abstracting and conceptualizing about things instead of actually being one with what is happening so I feel like unconditional love is a necessary precursor to allow some of these people that go through these processes to actually flour it can't flower in judgment and hate in criticism and all of these other things even energetically even if somebody's not judging out loud if somebody's judging with their energy their mind energy that's not going to allow it to happen as much and in a way a person can get to a point perhaps within themselves that they can not judge themselves while witnessing what it is that is being processed in consciousness and I was thinking that it seems like people have consciousness processing disorder there's sensory processing disorder it seems like it's like a consciousness processing disorder one is processing other things other aspects of themselves other aspects of the past possible future collective unconsciousness of humanity and we do have access to all of that so I actually don't think it's a disorder it appears is disorder to an onlooker but I feel there's an underlying order in that one is disconnecting from the contrived order of the ego which is that consistency the habits we've been programmed into and so when we're decoupling from all habits in general not just trying to program a few new habits it looks chaotic but it's actually the intelligence of a different order which i believe is learning meaning making and I feel like learning can only happen in the field of love and I feel like the field of love is the actual nutrition it's the actual energy that's required for learning and brain growth so I feel like one in a way gets connected with the field of love and this initiates the process of the brain growing maybe it's not as much that the ego gets scrambled that this field of love is trying to bring about us outgrowing the ego not necessarily saying well this is a bad thing but just it's not necessary in the field of love and so one can be in contact with the field of love and this metamorphosis this transformation starts happening in one's consciousness and the thing that happens as one sees that it's all one consciousness is all one process and then the people that come to the rescue when it gets a bit dicey are the ones that are judging and by judging it it starts to collapse the wave function around it being a mental illness and then the person actually starts believing that it is that and then it's all over so it would be great to be able to have people that haven't necessarily experienced the process approach a person who is experiencing it with unconditional love and validation and safety and non-judgment acceptance the acceptance that's put out there now is in the form of its ok you have a medical problem it's not your fault I would say it's ok you have a transformation going on consciousness you have this spiritual transformation happening and I talked about before that I don't necessarily feel its spiritual fundamentally in that it feels spiritual because it feels foreign to how we're used to experiencing everything which is very materialistic and non-spiritual it's materialistic in that we require something in the material world to give us pleasure and our life isn't innately fulfilling within itself as it unfolds moment to moment so in that way when we're stuck in that and then we when we start decoupling from that because that's all tied up with thought and the ego it feels spiritual because it doesn't feel material but I still feel that that is innately what it is to be human it's not really spiritual as much as it is just really being human really connecting with altruism connecting with humanity versus being connected to one's own personal gain thought structure and when we're connected to humanity we feel that oneness then we feel altruistic naturally because of how we perceive things actually to be one thing it's not me and the other it's whatever arises in the moment is me and it's the whole thing it's not just my conceptualizing about things or my thinking about things and measuring things by measuring things in the moment we don't allow the holistic perception to arise so just as a friend who's never experienced cancer would approach somebody with cancer a friend with unconditional love and acceptance and non judgment even though that person hasn't experienced it themselves I feel like people could still learn to approach people that are going through this transformative process with the same kind of unconditional love and acceptance and I think that's part of the trouble is that it's not seen as the transformative process it's seen as an illness and that might be a different level of this actually is that it's one thing to sort of create context for myself to really reinforce in my brain that it's a transformation it's a different line of intelligence its neural re-emergence and then if I share this to perhaps invite others to do the same for themselves because that would take a lot of the self burden away the burden that we've inherited by believing the stories we've been told and it's still useful to hang on to that to some extent for some people for sure and I'm still right in that boat but I'd rather have that as one line of the story and then me creating my own context as the other 1 million lines of the story so in that way it sort of crowds out the old paradigm in my mind because if I do go on it and attempt to come off medication and I shouldn't even say attempt i should say i'm off this medication i don't need it me saying things like attempt and i even know in my mind if i start to come off them and i started to feel unsettled i would I would take medication again or I would as you know so be it would be difficult for sure because that old paradigm and the things that come to the rescue in believing it are different than if I believed I needed to complete a transformation process and it wouldn't even be about believing it it would be surrendering to the process moment to moment and then trying to find out what happens so that's one thing is like personal context and then context for maybe people that have never experienced this and then go well that makes sense and listening to it and thinking well maybe that's helpful in my work or maybe that's helpful in how I approach people who seem distressed or maybe it's helpful to hold that in my mind so if I ever have some weird experience then even if I end up getting pathologized I still have this other context to start to have dialogue about and that would be the thing too is I've had a lot of self dialogue and it would be cool to dialogue about the parts with people that resonate with people because not everything resonates and not everything resonates with me my thing is just talking a lot to create a lot of different context not just thinking okay I'm going to think about it in this one way that it's a transformation process and that's all I've ever thought about and said about it but by unfolding so much context and meaning around it it starts to be more reinforced because I feel like words and behaviors actually create our brain so the words behind being diagnosed with something are different than the words that I create with myself the words we use in the attentions we have actually strengthen or weaken our nervous system and that is science based on dr. David Hawkins stuff so even if I'm telling myself stuff and it's not necessarily about it being true or false but it's about whether it's empowering because I could just think of everything I've said as a storybook even if I've used scientific words it doesn't have to mean that I'm even talking about science I'm just borrowing scientific words just like somebody might say oh that's so bipolar when they're not actually talking about bipolar as in the mental illness I'm just borrowing words from science and just playing around with them and just having fun with them and utilizing them and unfolding them and relating them to my experience and using science words in a way that I feel empowered using them as opposed to just using the science words that are medical diagnoses that have been given to me by professionals well I can use any words that I want if it's going to strengthen my nervous system by speaking this way to myself and that's the thing to by seeing it in thousands of different ways it's more strengthening because if a spider wants to make a web to catch a fly you can't just make one line is to make the entire web in order to make it useful and in the same way I'm creating like a web of meaning i'm creating a web of context so no matter where i am i can likely catch myself in that web of meaning as opposed to falling back on the meetings I've been given to believe and the thing about the web too is it's invisible so I might not even know what part of me saying what and when is what helped me be strong through a certain process or experience and that's part of it too is that it's not about I'm trying to do this in order to do that there's no real goal it's just talking's just talking to myself and I have no idea what that's going to do for myself if I thought it was going to do a specific thing that would probably block whatever it was that it really was going to do if anything I guess that's sort of like non-attachment to results but where I was going with this whole having dialogue with myself other people having dialogue with themselves dialoging with each other dialoging with people who haven't necessarily experienced this so then they can perhaps help us in distress also dialoguing so people who haven't experienced this sort of thing can move towards actually meeting up with some of the meanings that we've seen in our creation of context so if I've seen we are all one at the most fundamental level well if that's really true what does that mean for behavior and how we should be with each other moving forward that's a dialogue that anyone can have and there's a lot of books that say over one were one well there are people that have gone through these experiences who have actually felt that fundamentally as true for long periods of time and that would be harvesting one's experience and mania or whatever for the greater good to say for me I would say look we are killing each other with our thoughts feelings and actions thoughts lead to actions were being violent by being separate egos were innately violent because we're trying to protect ourselves from others we're not acting cooperatively and collaboratively and and I feel those sorts of dialogues not just the dialogue about oh except me with my mental illness or even accept me because I've gone through this transformation or help me because I've gone through this transformation and helped me get through this transformation but what is that whole process telling us from a larger perspective from 30,000 feet as I've heard people say in a few different talks lately what does that mean and I think that's part of how people can bring certain insights and messages that are important for the whole world and not all of them and it's about having dialogue about it it's not about saying oh I saw this and this is how it is the part of the meaning making process in the transformation process is how it is kind of changes in unfolds moment to moment and so we need to have dialogue moment a moment what I'm trying to get at is that if the number of people who have gone through these experiences are able to dialogue with people who haven't so that might be one percent of people have gone through it and ninety-nine percent haven't and creates some meaning from that and close the gap in what it really means to be human what I'm trying to get at is I feel like if there was collaboration with people who are visionaries to unfold that in reality when people don't have to be visionaries to participate in unfolding that if somebody knows how to build a swimming pool they can they can participate you know like it doesn't have to be anything in particular it's about building a new world where people don't have to go into these extreme states of consciousness in order to bring back these meanings and messages so these meanings and messages to me or for the whole world and it's not a unique experience a lot of people experience these things and that's why we need to get together collectively in order to make it happen whatever it is and then I feel that it wouldn't be necessary for people to go into extreme states of consciousness people are using drugs to go into extreme states of consciousness because this reality sucks whereas if the messages from the visionaries were utilized to help inform the unfolding of humanity maybe reality wouldn't suck so much so people wouldn't need to use drugs so much and people would need to go into these extreme states of consciousness naturally by virtue of the universe putting us there in order for us to see from 30,000 feet if we were unfolding those things we wouldn't need to go into that state to see from 30,000 feet to zoom out in our perspective to feel like we're not our personal selves because we need that perspective in order to see so part of it is actually helping regular people to see things differently not just about the transformation process but what it is that the transformation process is trying to transform not just the person but the entire world if the transformation was just for individual pleasure that would pretty much negate the whole thing like why like someone could just sit and watch TV why would consciousness need to go into that state like if it was all about personal pleasure that's what we're already all doing and so this other experience this otherworldly experience other than society experience is trying to move us towards something other than society because it's not sustainable consciousness the universe the consciousness of humanity is trying to do everything it can without being too obvious it's already pretty obvious with the arising of this new neuro tribe of people who are perceived and called autistic and I feel like people who go through trans consciousness later in life are also part of that but what it is is just childlike perception be as a child that's all it is it's trying to show us to be as a child again to look beyond the words and the labels in the judgment which is all the process of the ego we didn't have egos as a child we developed it as a protection mechanism because we're not raised in an environment of unconditional love and then when these other conscious experiences happen they're not received with unconditional love and it's unconditional love that puts us in those states and it's not received that way so it can't grow in unconditional love it's almost like certain seeds sitting in a sale for a long period of time and never growing because it doesn't quite have the right nutrient balance in order for that to happen and then all of a sudden something happens and there's acid rain or something and then that makes the seed grow well in the same way the people in this type of consciousness are like seeds waiting to flower into a new consciousness that is necessary it's a consciousness of oneness it's a consciousness of consideration and cooperation and collaboration and I think I did mention that people that go through this process one day will be the ones to try to help people who haven't gone through this process to get back to their childlike state to embody their mania without having to experience mania which is just moving towards one's dreams I feel like if I was always on the path of moving towards my dreams and moving in my dreams I wouldn't have had to be snapped into that consciousness away from being really far away from my dreams too in my dreams which is such a jump in energy that I was behaving very differently but if I was always moving towards my dreams I would have just naturally been flowering in those behaviors and moving towards that so it's not anything I'm natural and Society programs us to move away from our dreams in favor of money success and the hope for a better tomorrow
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and the paper on memes talked about how there are memes that need to modify their environment in order to survive and I feel like in a beautiful environment those memes would survive better so if somebody is having sort of altruistic and and spiritual means come through them and they're in a beautiful place that's going to be more sustainable than say if one's walking down the most poverty-stricken street in their City and I also feel those sorts of memes are going to alter the environment and that's what I talked about with the neuro tribe of bipolar is that it's actually trying to change the environment to actually have one be able to sustain those perceptions and I feel like one of the most fundamental things about the whole process is that it's trying to restore us to learning the whole process of bipolar is a learning process for sure and we usually learn about in terms of illness and then I think that actually collapses the infinite unfolding learning process that it's supposed to be because it's then oh I'm this person with this mental illness and these are my symptoms instead of it's just all unfolding and constantly learning and new insights and perceptions all the time and I wrote down that there's no separate person with a mental illness the fact that we think we're separate people is the mental illness the ego is an illness and the supposed mental illness comes in and breaks up the ego structure which appears as mental illness and I think I wrote down bipolars are like entropy it's an increase in randomness but I think this is for the arising of a different order it's taking that linear ego structure and breaking it up and because of that we have access to more information because that ego state actually wastes energy because its processing old information which is like not processing anything at all so when that breaks down we start to process more information because it's not in the way anymore we have access to more information and a lot of times when it's related to the ego that's when like past karma or this life karma comes up or the collective unconscious because we probably were supposed to sort of be accessing and unfolding that with that all the time throughout her life but it built up because the ego structure blocked that energy from actually flowing and I was even watching a video on flow again and they talked about how they find it so fascinating that the brain actually is less active in flow and that's again because all of this activity is a bunch of energy being wasted so when the brain is less active the energy is kind of flowing through the brain and it's more powerful to have energy flowing through instead of bouncing around in the prefrontal cortex doing all these things that are supposedly higher levels of function in the brain when those higher levels of function have been hijacked and are wasting our energy instead of just using it when need be to calculate how to get from A to B it's talking about old memories and things and so we're not actually in the present moment and they talked about flow how it's all about being in the present moment well one doesn't have to do extreme sports in order to be in the present moment that's why people are meditating and all this stuff in order to get into the present moment so the thing that we actually tout the highest our prefrontal cortex and all of its musings is the thing that gets in the way and is in the way of us actually being present and all that stuff is actually the ego stuff and that's the stuff we try to band-aid back up which is this ego dopamine complex happening when the process of map consciousness and trans consciousness is trying to break that down so the energy can flow through and then when the Energy starts flowing through because it's breaking down this ego process is still trying to make associations and abstractions and yet there's more energy and information coming through so it's infinitely confusing I like what Alan Watts says which as you are what the entire universe is doing at this point in space-time and with this access to all this information we realize that the whole universe is folded up in us we are the entire universe what it's doing at this point in space-time and I talked about before perhaps how we share the entire universe except for our bodies physically but everything else all the energy and everything we all share it were all bathed in it we're all walking through it so we're actually all very much exactly the same except for our bodies which is a convenient way for us to interact with each other it's like the universe interacting with itself I was thinking about learning and how learning is naturally rewarding without seeking a reward so rewarding is sort of an iffy term to use but we're usually seeking some kind of reward in terms of pleasure but when we're actually learning the learning in itself is rewarding and yet there's no reward but the learning and I was thinking that the reward might be new neural circuits when we're abstracting and we have the ego process going of thought it's old and it's boring so then we naturally have to always be looking for some kind of reward instead of actually learning moment to moment which is a naturally rewarding thing it's naturally rewarding to children to learn they don't need a cookie every time they learn the most mundane thing so I feel like because we've stopped learning we start earning we start looking for rewards through money through dopamine and learning requires perception it requires being able to see and it's difficult to see if we have all this me on our mind screen the me can't learn it can only accumulate new bits to itself which only strengthens the me which blocks learning and so perception as seeing as is gives us energy and I feel like that energy probably goes towards creating new brain circuits and that's why in bipolar it's like this hyper learning state it's this very energetic state and that energy is trying to create new neural circuits to create these new neural pathways for us to actually live and see and perceive and experience and be in a different reality and the ego makes us immune to this learning process and then we need all these rewards and pleasures and this perception seeing in a new way is actually the energy required to rewire the brain I was also thinking of map consciousness and trans consciousness as sort of a wisdom tradition it's like this new way of being and there's like this whole philosophy around it and there's this whole context around it that needs to be unfolded this whole context of being part of this neuro tribe as opposed to just having the context of me with my mental illness by being in society there needs to be a me with a mental illness because that's how society understands it whereas if one is part of the neural tribe one moves towards actually creating other dimensions of society that are more specific to that way of perceiving and being instead of saying I'm going to remain in society with my mental illness I'm going to create outside of society so then I don't actually experience it myself as being mentally ill because I'm not bumping up against these things that are basically against my neurology people use the term that's against my religion well it could be that's against my neurology and another things we don't realize that we are a source of information for ourselves by reading reality and we can actually grow our brain our brain can be a seed of the mind and we can grow our brain to be in alignment with the collective mind and I feel like thinking about oneself is misusing thinking because thinking is actually part of being able to communicate insight which is seeing and understanding something new and so one might see and understand something holistically in a flash but then it takes supposed thinking to unfold that and speak it out and communicate it out so we can create new memes that's the endo mimetics and the epi memetics and when we do that we create new neurology and we create new genes as well and it's not about believing but seeing for oneself an ego might need to believe something but when the learning process is activated one can see things for oneself and there's no belief required I feel like it's important to unfold one's own meaning and self dialogue and eventually dialogue otherwise we're closed loops and when we're closed loops our energies not available for the greater system of humanity for human consciousness it's almost like that neuro tribe is not part of the conversation and then by having all these closed loops one isn't unfolding context for the greater complexity of humanity and so it makes sense that some of those closed loops would go towards randomness and entropy in order to actually maximize complexity of the system because systems have to move towards maximum complexity and if everybody is more machine like in robotic and just going about their little habitual things that is not maximizing complexity so some ego habit structures break down and then they're they're changing the dynamic of the system but then people who are in the ecosystem trained as professionals try to get people back into this little system of habit and the process of map consciousness is trying to connect us as human beings in dialogue we've been turned into bio machines when we're supposed to be dynamic learners information processors on folders the ego consciousness is sort of like if we had a space probe that could go throughout the universe infinitely the Eco equivalent would be like sending the probe to Saturn and then just getting it to go around Saturn for y'all eternity in a loop and then we start to think that the only thing out there is Saturn and that the space probe is Saturn whereas it could go anywhere and so in a way by being stuck in habit it's like just being a probe that could go anywhere but really just staying in a very very limited loop and we need to see things on our clear mind screen perception with a clear line screen one of the things that gets in the way is TV on media because it pollutes our mind screen it's not clear and it's having all those lower energies resonate on our mind screen so we can't actually perceive anything above the collective level of consciousness of the media and the TV and the entertainment that we consume that could be one of the ways that travel actually allows some people to go into other states of consciousness is that they are not really consuming media stuff so the mine screen releases some of its allostatic load so the ego is a false equilibrium if I have any goal with this besides my own self dialogue and unfolding context it would be to restore the brain to learning because otherwise one just clings on to some facts that seem believable and then holds on to that when really if one is able to restore one's brain to learning one will see one's own facts unfolding infinitely and learning that way versus learning from what other people are saying so nothing I say is to be believed I don't even believe any of it I'd forget most of it after I say it doesn't really have any value and last one sees it for oneself and I think that's what I've learned through this process so far is that the brain can just keep learning without accumulating and that's the thing when the brain is always in a state of learning whatever one encounters one will be able to see clearly and understand so there's always that that security in that self-sufficiency and it seems that our bio mechanical energy is limited by our programming so how I move is habitual whether it's driving to work and then coming home and sitting down watching TV the way I've been programmed by habit is limiting how I move biomechanically and I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is since those habits structures are are scrambled one has access to so many more degrees of freedom of movement because the movement has actually tied into the programming
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is still snowing here so my place is nice and quiet and it has been pretty quiet for the last number of days the snow really absorbs the noise and also slows the cars down and so many things and I realized this is sort of a video journal to myself they talk about how journaling is powerful and I've done a lot of journaling in the past but now it seems i'm doing this video self open dialogue journal and yesterday i randomly took out some of my old notebooks and i have two that I filled when I was in the psych ward in April and then I have a bunch that I wrote in the two years before that but especially in my second mania which was februari of 2015 I did a lot of writing then and afterwards and a lot of that writing from what I remember was based on my desire to come off medications so there's stuff about that and I think more like positive statements of things and then I have the stuff that i wrote the very first time i went into that state of consciousness five and a half years ago and at some point i think it would be fascinating to read through some of that but i feel i feel a little bit in in transition of some sort almost like that gesture that behavior of me taking out those old notebooks is almost saying to myself while there's something that I want to revisit and to me I think it's again partly calling me towards the fact that i would like to be off medications and and sort of living beyond the paradigm of mental illness and in a way being able to say while it served its purpose but i don't really want to participate in that anymore and I think that's why I feel conflicted in the job that I'm doing as well is that I don't want to be in the paradigm personally and I don't I'd rather put my energy towards something else like bringing ecp are here and things like that and I was thinking about how it's sort of like watching the news I don't watch the news because I find it bothersome and negative and in the same way going into that paradigm is like participating in it when it is negative and father some there's a lot of great aspects and there's a lot of great people working in it but they're given a framework to work in that is starting at such a deficit that a lot of the work that needs to be done to help somebody recover is the fact that the deficit that the paradigm itself creates so I'd rather help myself out of the paradigm and then maybe inspire other people to to do the same and it could be a little bit scary but and so the things I want to talk about to myself now I'm not sure it's like a mix of what I was talking about before and I feel like right now I have no idea what I was talking about before a bunch of contextual stuff that might be handy for myself and those insights and thoughts might actually come into my brain in the moments that I need them going forward because it could be some scary times and I've had some subtle insights lately that I could just say to myself for the sake of saying it but I haven't really unfolded what the implications are of them like I had this this insight that it's the position ality that needs medicating so as soon as I take a position ality on something for or against I've created duality like I've created me versus the other and it's that me that entity that takes a position ality that needs medicating so by going into mainstream paradigm I automatically am creating a me with a position ality because I do feel like I have a position against or it's not really against it's just I definitely feel the tension of the things that I see that I don't agree with so creates that positionality of me versus them or me versus the other and so I might be able to design a life where I don't have that sense of a position ality and if I don't have that sense of a position ality it's that me that needs the bandaid that needs medicating so by not creating a me by not putting myself in those scenarios where there is that sense of me a me that needs to defend myself even if it's just implicit if it's not an explicit thing that's happening it's sort of creating that entity which needs the medication because that entity is the position ality and the position ality is what creates stress it's like feeling that sense of self that is stressed out whereas if I don't put myself in that poisonous scenario maybe I won't have to have medication to be able to maintain that position ality if I'm just not subjecting myself to that and the position allottee feels like force whereas going with something that's just naturally in alignment with my being so I don't have to feel this pressure of myself versus other I think that's more powerful just the word recovery just makes me feel angry because to me in that process and consciousness from what I've experienced there's other faculties of what it means to naturally be human that are trying to re arise they were already there when we were young and they atrophied and if we would have continued with those lines of intelligence those natural human faculties they probably would have flowered into something even more rich and beyond what we did experience as children with those faculties so when the conditioning is starting to fail and those other faculties are starting to arise and it's confusing instead of being supported to integrate with those other intelligences we're being medicated into keeping that sort of dopamine thing that's trying to disintegrate together and then as an article I read said it causes the brain to shrink well it's because the medications prevent this other stuff from arising which is what is supposed to fill in the other circuits in the brain the dopamine part is supposed to shrink but it's stopping the other part from arising and flowering and from people connecting with that and I came across this book called on our own patient controlled alternatives to the mental health system and i think it was originally written in the early 70s and was written by judy chamberlain and i had heard her name before but i just came across this book yesterday and i didn't buy it yet i read the little bit that can be read on amazon it says in the book intro that there's a network against psychiatric assault in san francisco those are some pretty strong words but i feel what happened to me and April was like a psychiatric assault for sure and that's another reason why I'm struggling going back to work in the paradigm it could be a worthwhile read though I think it will be for me because that's what I'm interested in actually is alternatives led by people who have experienced the system and so for me my motivation is not just about coming off medication and then living my own happy life it's about coming off medication and then hopefully helping people see that it's possible that they might be able to do the same and I think it's important to also have safety that's why I have my advanced directive my zaps trap safety from the system safety from myself and that's why I want to bring ecp are here to have psychologically safe environment for people to actually be able to go through these psychologically difficult experiences to me it's like the psyche everything stored in the body is coming out and needs to be processed in order for one to actually let it go it's definitely a fascinating thing I've been talking about stuff to myself that's sort of intangible and I don't know I feel like maybe the next bit is harvesting my manias and one of them was about a lot of research and insights around getting off of medication so that could be the driving force there so maybe the next part of myself dialogue to myself will be around coming off medication or looking into what it was that I was researching about coming off medication maybe there were some insights and ideas about nutrition or different things that I forget because that was like two years ago I think too that when the healing voices movie comes out that might give me some inspiration too and when I was looking stuff up yesterday I came across the term neuro diversity again and I was talking in earlier videos about perceptual diversity and the neurodiversity term actually came from a book about autism and they talked about neuro tribes and how not only do we have gender differences and things but we have neuro tribes or as Timothy Leary would say brain casts and so it says neuro diversity is an approach to learning and disability that suggests that diverse neurological conditions appear as a result of normal variation in human in the human genome neural diversity originated in the late 1990s as a challenge to prevailing views of neurological diversity as inherently pathological instead asserting that neurological differences should be recognized and respected as a social category on par with gender ethnicity sexual orientation or disability status and this is from Wikipedia there is a neuro diversity movement which is an international civil rights movement that has the autism rights movement as its most influential sub movement this movement frames autism bipolarity and other neuro types as natural human variation rather than a pathology or disorder and its advocates reject the idea that neurological differences need to be or can be cured as they believe them to be authentic forms of human diversity self-expression and being and part of it says allow those who are neurodivergent to live their lives as they are rather than being coerced or forced to adopt uncritically accepted ideas of normality or to conform to a clinical ideal and to me it's pretty awesome because they're sort of putting autism and bipolarity etc as neurodivergent and I would actually say I would change that because to say neurodivergent like diverging from normality implicitly says that it's bad in a way i would say neuro emergent autism is emerging more and more and more and that must mean that it's necessary and people with bipolar t that's an emergent thing and I feel like they're very similar processes both I've talked about how it's sort of to shut down the prefrontal cortex by necessity because that is what is destroying the planet so not only are some of these neuro tribes different I think they're also important and emergent so i would say neuro emergent and i think with the bipolar situation these other faculties that we have as human beings are coming back online I feel like with the shutting down of the prefrontal cortex whether it's somebody emerges that way when they're born or whether somebody starts to emerge that way later on in life through say bipolar or something it's sort of like the prefrontal cortex or the ego me is the dominant linear paradigm of the brain and all our brains have that circuitry and is very dense and if you think of the collective brain of humanity if it's all in that channel it's not being diverse enough so some people are now being born with autism more and more and and bipolar later on and it's like these other neural pathways these other networks of the brain are emerging before they never thought that the brain really changed after a certain age but i think the brain is very very pliable and no plastic and that's what dr. Daniel Siegel talks about when he says the mind uses the brain to create itself well the mind is creating different brains in order for the mind to be created through brains because the mind is just being created through egocentric brains and it can't go on like that so there is a selective pressure for brains to change like that during life which goes against what we feel is true because we feel a person is their personality and it's not really so it's just a persona it's just programming so when somebody starts to act differently we think that something is wrong with them when really it's just the fact that the brain can change and it's not really there's no solid me in there anywhere there's no real test for mental illness because the thing that is becoming ill isn't a thing at all it's the ego structure and it's just a structure of words and thoughts it's there's no reality to it at all and then it starts to break down and we think oh my gosh like what's happening to the person 1 it's the falseness that's falling away for something more true to flower in its place and I think the interesting thing about this brain change that happens whether it's in a person that goes through a supposed bipolar process or whether it's a child that's going through an autism process I think for those other circuits to come online it takes a lot of love and understanding and the interesting thing is that when one goes at least in the bipolar process I feel that one connects with love and understanding and all those things but then it actually takes the love and understanding of others to allow it to to grow because when it when it's breaking down when the ego is breaking down it can be kind of chaotic and if it's met with fear and then medication then that's obviously going to stop the process from happening I really feel like it's a second birth it's it's a berth in to a different consciousness into a different neuro tribe that's actually needed it's a metamorphosis as the transformation and it seems reality isn't safe for neuro diversity and I thought of a matte con intention I thought of every time I smile I forgive those who would trespass on my consciousness as it is all one and I think that relates to neuro diversity and I was reading some literature talking about person-centered approach to recovery and I was thinking about if I was to take an approach I would want to take a gift centered approach what was what are your gifts what is emerging what is arising sure there's like this other stuff sort of falling away and that's confusing but what is arising what is emerging and what are your visions and diverse abilities and it would be services based on what a person can give to the world with these new abilities and it's important to actually start to utilize them right away to see if they're going to unfold and flower because I I'm just thinking of this now so if somebody gets acquainted with an ability and then is medicated away from it and then 10 years go by well that ability probably would have atrophied for sure so it's important to practice and keep using one's abilities and gifts that one gains if one wants to so I feel like it's possible that one's troubles will fall away when one moves towards harvest practice and body and utilizing ones gifts in an altruistic way and I feel like by sitting here talking i'm not really doing that but at the same time i'm hoping that my gift will be to be able to create safety and and by talking to myself and creating my own safety i hope and then i'm part of the gift centered approaches they talk about how it's important to say well what happened to you versus what's wrong with you i think it could be more powerful to say not just what happened to you but what are you going to make happen with your gifts and your visions even if i ask myself that I feel like what I'm going to make happen is psychological safety for myself and the community to feel safe in being neuro emergent or neurodivergent a different neuro tribe and just as it's important to have males and females in order to procreate it's important to have different neuro tribes in order to co-create and so I want to make that happen the psychological safety I want to make it happen that I come off medications and I'm able to say I'm of a different neural tribe or I'm trans consciousness or or whatever it is that I want to say oh I'm bipolar disposition doesn't mean it's a medical disease and being able to help people create their own context in order for one to move towards one's best self because I feel like that process that neuro emergent process that trans conscious process is trying to move us towards our best self for the benefit of society and hopefully by talking to myself like this and moving myself towards that and I could release these videos of myself talking to myself now but I'd rather wait until I've come off medications and part of it too is I want to talk to myself while I'm coming off medications and I don't know what I'm going to do that I i want to bring ecp are here either in February or sep tember and I'll probably know better in the next couple of days and i was saying i don't remember even if i said this as that i want to make this area the most psychologically safe so just like a lot of people come to canada because it's safer then say their country is it would be cool that if people would come to Canada because it's the most psychologically safe for neurodiversity for perceptual diversity for experiential diversity for diversity and consciousness not just physical diversity that it's already important that that is I don't even want to say accept it because that is like saying there's something to accept like oh I have to accept you that is just a ridiculous notion so even having acceptance of neurodiversity is kind of ridiculous listen away because it's already a fact it's part of the universe as part of consciousness so I don't know and the ego is what has designed society and all our thinking and our thought and so these other neural networks is neurodiversity is coming in and making us diverge from society in a way we need to create something different with this divergence and I feel like we're actually in recovery from society and how traumatic it is and we're trying to live our dreams our dreams aren't necessarily a part of what society has designed for us to move towards that's like a trick it's like a dangling candy in front of us I came across this statement in some peer support literature and it says peer support is about understanding another situation empathetically through the shared experience of emotional and psychological pain and I think what about the shared experience of ecstasy and visions and that's why I talked in earlier videos about harvest practice and body go back to one's visions and one's dreams and one's ideas that one had in the manic consciousness state those are the seeds that need to be planted in consciousness in order to grow a different society for us all to experience so then we can actually exist in higher levels of consciousness because as dr. David Hawkins would say that we can only go as high as the prevailing level of consciousness of our surroundings pretty much we can help it level up a little bit but it's always going to be knocking us down and I think that's actually what's happening with bipolar process is that one goes into those higher levels of consciousness but the collective level of consciousness is so much lower that one has to go back to that but then what one ascertains and what one gains and what one learns and the visions one sees in that level of consciousness can still be something that we can move towards so in recovery they would say Oh move towards your individual little goals and I would say with harvest practice and body would be moved towards the highest vision that you saw for all of humanity and I also talked about how we need to get together to collaborate on this because nobody can carry out the vision by themselves because it's so big it's something one can't do all by oneself one can even build a whole house by oneself for the most part so how is one going to change the entire consciousness by oneself and that's why I feel like it's important that people of that neuro tribe of bipolar disposition or whatever not just work to have one's actions in order in the field of society but also see what actions one can take in order to change the field of society so we don't have to be in order in society in order to function in society we need to actually change society so we might actually not feel the need to even adjust our supposed disorder to society to be in order if we actually are co-creating a different society and that could just even be that the bipolar neuro tribe needs a different reality just like somebody in a wheelchair needs a ramp somebody with bipolar disposition needs to live in a quiet neighborhood for for instance so so designing society around keeping highways away from residential areas etc like it would be different we are not actually noticing the impact these things have on us it could even be the noise that partially is starting to create people to go into this bipolar neuro tribe in their life and be like wow this is this is not good for human consciousness so yeah I don't necessarily want to relate over emotional and psychological pain it would be nice to relate based on the strength based aspects of the bipolar process and I think you know often goes to a scary place and then that's when there's an intervention and then that's sort of what everything is collapsed around is the fear stuff well what about the good aspects and I think it's more powerful to actually act like one is manic when not feeling manic then feeling manic and trying to act normal because if one can act manic like one's embodied manic self when not actually feeling manic then one is actually reap a turning reality based on acting in that way without having to have that energy come in and force us to do it
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back to this paper on memes as replicators it says memes like genes are judged against one simple unambiguous criterion their ability to perpetuate themselves in the prevailing environment if possible or by modifying their environment if necessary I think this is where embodying once mania comes in a little bit too is that there might have been some memes that came about in mania that can be embodied after after being harvested and also this would change the environment too so if I need to go out and about in order to do random acts of kindness that's going to change the environment in which I am genetically expressing myself matically and experimenting with some of those means and I think mania is like a big experiment with different memes and it's a meme creating process it's a learning process it's like another brain growth I think that society needs to be designed in a different way to actually support some of these memes so people that have visions and creative insights there needs to be a way for people to collaborate together to to change society and also society needs to change in order to support some of these other memes and say the fact that there are a lot of highly sensitive people out there and I think part of what gets changed in the process of epi mimetics and endo mimetics when one is in mania is that one sees that other things are possible and that's when the reasons why people need to retest reality and retest gravity and retest one's abilities it's almost like when we're children and how we need to climb on a chair and fall off in order to feel the effects of that happens again when a person goes into that learning state that innocence of mind but from that space one can actually create new memes and prune the memes that aren't helpful and one might end up ruining oneself back to someone that resembles what one was before but there's still a growth in that process and i mentioned how the paper says symbiotic memes which promote behavior adaptive for both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive or creative of such memes and I think what goes along with that is that in manic consciousness one is actually in the state of creating new memes constantly all the time yet right now as it is the people that have those brains that actually go into hyper mimetics get diagnosed with a mental illness and then put on medication that suppresses that process so then we don't learn about the process and we don't facilitate one moving through it because of the false statements out there about it getting worse over time and things like that and I've gone into that process three more times since the very initial one and each time it's been more and more mild and quicker and if I was put on stronger and stronger medications each time I don't know if that would have been the case it probably would have appeared as worse and worse I read somewhere else to a cam remember where it was but it talked about how this process of map consciousness is probably probably has a socio biological function not yet recognized and I think that's true it's something to do with the socialness and the biology and and maybe part of it is actually that we're supposed to make meaning and have dialogue with each other not just argue over opinions and beliefs we're actually supposed to be creative in our perceptions and talk about them look if I would have someone with me the whole time I'm in that hyper mimetic state we would sort of be comparing memes and and making memes and saying what we saw and perceive like a big grand experiment like we are the experimenters and I feel like part of the shift part of this transformation is going from words to being and perception and it's not just going from words to being in perception but going from being used by words by memes that are reinforcing the DNA of those memes which are the meanings we've been given by society the equations we've been given by society to actually creating our own meanings and that's what happens in trans consciousness that's what happens in mania and sometimes we can create meanings that might be detrimental but it's still about creating our own meanings and moving towards the meanings that we create and it's perceiving and acting based on our own meanings versus conceptualizing and regurgitating old meanings which are no longer meaningful because they have nothing to do with the present moment so they're actually meaningless and then we wonder why people go into this hyper meaningful state of mania and it's in order to create some meaning out of our perceptions versus being totally demeaned by our own voice in our own head and our own voice in our own head defens us to the memes of possible meaning and I think part of it too is since the meanings are always infinitely unfolding it's important not to necessarily believe them because once one believes one it's going to create an accumulation and that accumulation as soon as one thing is grasped onto it's actually going to limit what can come next and I was thinking that reality is all a game of make-believe it's the powers that be trying to make us believe whatever it is with the advertising with education and believing is recording and recording is part of the ego process and I also feel like our ego mind talking is sort of recording over our body so we're not actually perceiving our body we're not actually perceiving the recording instrument we're not perceiving that we have eyes we're not aware that we have eyes we're not aware we have a body because we're always conceptualizing and abstracting and creating images and those images are almost being superimposed over our body and not even feeling our body we don't have a clear mind screen it's polluted with these images and we're meeting the present moment and reality with these images on our mind screen so it blocks proper perception and it also blocks our perception of our body because we're in our heads it's like we are the special message and we are the special messenger and we are the special message creator and I feel like I feel like this process is connect us with our ability to make other meaning we have the meanings of the ego and success and individuality and we don't have the greater meaning of what it is to be human and it's like this thermodynamic ego process it goes from static and linear to dynamic and we become these dynamic perspective takers and consciousness is a non local phenomenon and the ego keeps it somewhat localized in our head but really it moves with wherever we're putting our attention and most the time our attentions in the past or something on some memory and I feel like it's not a mental illness as a perceptual sensitivity one that we all have
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I just read this paper energy and information it's actually a scientific American article from 1971 and it's talking about energy and information and how energy and information are related I don't know if it says it in this paper but energy and information are generally the same they can be transformed into each other it gives an example of X number of joules per degree Kelvin per year or however many bits per second so joules per degree Kelvin per year can be converted to bits per second and I'm not exactly sure how this is relevant to myself dialogue but I just looked at the word entropy and [Music]one of the definitions is lack of order or predictability gradual decline into disorder and in terms of physics it's a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a systems thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system and I feel like in a way the process that I experience is like entropy of the ego it goes towards disorder and it does so not necessarily because that's a bad thing but because there's so much tied up into the ego it becomes a solid structure that really it's not so it's bound to break down at some point so the breakdown of that structure is actually part of a greater order and in terms of energy of talks about how the ego is a waste of energy and I feel like as it breaks down there's more energy available so then there's also more information available because the information that the ego presents is often linear and and repeating so it's not new information so when it breaks down that structure that prevents new information and it's actually in the way of the natural energy process of the brain when it breaks down that energy is available so other information is available and it seems confused and disordered mainly because society is structured around the order of the ego but it's not actually really natural order it's contrived and educated order so when that happens that's when things like hallucinations or delusions or different meanings can come into play mainly because now the brain is trying to establish this other order it's a living order where truth arises moment to moment and has to be let go and not actually believed once it's believed then it's actually attached to this ego structure that's going to start looping things it's going to record something and remember it and believe it when really it all has to be surrendered and we all have these ordered egos these separate me success structures when really that needs to go into disorder in order for a different order of us actually cooperating with each other to arise and it's like that disorder and that randomness and consciousness needs to happen in order for certain people to bounce up against each other and start cooperating but normally what happens as a person is perceived as mentally ill and then put into that order of reality which was not how that was meant to be classified in beginning of that and it says today we know that it takes energy to obtain knowledge and that it takes information to harness energy so the energy in our brain is tied up in our ego process and because of that we're not obtaining new knowledge we're not really learning much of anything and so when that structure breaks down we're often able to learn again and a lot of this is disordered and meaning is attached to things that don't have as much meaning as they feel like in the moment and so called hallucinations and delusions but really it's the brain trying to start to learn how to learn and how to acquire different knowledge and make other meanings than the ones that we've been programmed to make and just repeat all the time and it says it takes information to harness energy so once we've got this way larger context and spectrum and perspective and map to understand things we can then actually as our consciousness unfolds as our process of perception continues we can actually harness different energy because we have access to different information and then this goes along with what I was saying with how the manic state is sort of like a hyper learning state it's a vision casting state it's rich and full of information and that's why it's important to go back and harvest it in retrospect that's why there's so much more energy that's why one doesn't need sleep it's like it's like a person is connected to that field of energy and information and able to transform it and translate it but then it comes to an end at some point and then a person is labeled with a mental illness but it's important to go back to that energy and the information that one was able to connect with and gather in that state because it's like being propelled into that state but we can actually go back and harvest that information and move towards embodying that and perceiving that and creating that and unfolding that in daily life and I feel like that's why it was sort of given to us that's why that extra energy state was given to us it's sort of a gift and then it's sort of our own game to unfold it and make sense of it we're put into a game of here's your mental illness now recover instead of here's your vision now rediscover and recreate your life and so we can create a different game from our vision cast and harvest it and practice it and embody it differently it was extra information it was extra meaning and we are the ones that make meaning we are the meaning makers and we can choose to make any meaning we want out of it we can interpret it in any way we want and by interpreting it as mental illness we walk down that path we can interpret it as I'm here to save the world or I'm here to save my family or I'm here to save myself for I'm here whatever it is I'm just here to be in the moment and see what happens there's no real right or wrong and we can change the game anytime we want it's like what are we going to do with that information and as a process it's an information processing process and so many of us start processing information in similar ways like seeing visions hearing voices feeling like we're getting special messages all this array of apparent symptoms which is different information processing and and gathering and we're learning from herself and from our experience and from our our past and everything in each moment unfolding and it totally burns us out it's like we burn up all our energy by going into that process but then we can still move towards embodying that which we were to start with in that process we have it within us to be that version of ourselves of processing information that whole experience creates the context in the spectrum and the perspectives and the map for which we can sense and start to move towards that which we were which we are now which we just can't necessarily sense and feel but in our daily life and in our daily actions as we work on embodying that we see that we are that already and so many wisdom traditions they say well you're perfect as you are now and we're like oh yeah right how can that be true but when we've connected with mania we actually feel like we are perfect as we are in each moment no matter what's happening and so we do have that within it so there's proof when we've already lived that proof and we've already lived the proof that we can create whatever game we want to live in life and we shouldn't be limited by the game that we've been told that we're supposed to believe is how things are for us they talk about information and probabilities and it's a little bit complicated in a way but what I like is they say that information can be defined as anything that causes an adjustment in the probability assignment and they're talking about the probability of a certain answer to a question so if I think okay the question is do I have a mental illness and now all the possible answers are different probabilities well with what I'm talking about with myself it's information to me and that it's changing the probability of me actually thinking yes I do have a mental illness so the more and more I talk about that question in self dialogue in different ways the less likely it is for me to actually have the probability of seeing it as that one particular answer each time I make a statement to myself about it I'm actually making the probability smaller and smaller as mod yet if I was always be talking about myself in terms of that then the answer to the question would be well yes I do because I always am saying these sentences about at least this information that is showing that that is true and they talk about thermodynamics in terms of a transformation or a conversion between thermal and mechanical energy and mechanical energy is movement thermal energy is heat and there could be something to do with heat and energy and something somebody called me from mastercard and it was like i don't qualify for your premium card and they're like oh but you qualify for premium number 2 i'm like okay fine I'm listening I just had some stuff and then like okay sure send me the card so this paper this paper goes on to say that the information content of a message then is a measure of the change in the observers knowledge from knowledge X before the message to knowledge X Prime after the message a message that tells you what you already know produces no change in either knowledge X remains the same or in the probability assignment and therefore conveys no information and I think that's interesting because I think that's in and I think that's interesting because here I am talking myself and some of the stuff I already know I want to say or talk about but then when I keep talking about it I say something else that I had no idea I was going to say so it's actually new information because I've never heard it before and also too I imagine if someone ever watches this they might one might actually change one's own knowledge about oneself or what one thinks about onese lf because I feel like what I'm saying is something different than what a person might say and actually absorb as knowledge given the dominant paradigm and one thing it doesn't touch on with that statement there was that I was given new information when I was given a diagnosis and that was given psychoeducation but I never really believed it but it did still change my knowledge in that I knew that that information was out there as part of the paradigm and I still did utilize some of the knowledge because it's difficult not to when it's the dominant paradigm I gave the example before of how I could have said I'm not mentally ill and you know ran away and cross the border and never to be seen again but by staying and taking the medication in a way I sort of was like acting as if I am I would say I said to myself in my own mind in a way I'm sure I can play the role of mentally ill person it's sort of like the role that I had to play being put into and subjected to that paradigm if I would have said I'm not mentally ill that would have been further proof that I was mentally ill so the only way to get out of it was really to just play along with it and it wasn't just playing along as in faking because I definitely have had experiences and and suppose it's symptoms along the way that it's true so it is true but it's not true to me at the same time like I feel there's a different context through which to describe it and me having that context in my heart and mind helps me get through it if I just felt like I was mentally ill and I believed it then I probably wouldn't really try to thrive at all it's sort of like how perhaps the homeless person might go to some kind of Christian program in order to get food and shelter or something doesn't mean they have to be Christian it's just the Christian people are the ones that are offering the food and shelter for example and because I've had supposed mental health symptoms which could be translated and described in so many different ways which I've probably talked about some of them in these last hours and hours of talking about it to myself I end up going for help to the mental health paradigm because is there and that sort of the dominant system of helping people with that stuff I remember the first time I was in a crisis I tried to fake my own death by just kind of playing dad and hoping I would die and wake up somewhere else but in my mind I sort of felt like I need to fake my own death to get out of here to escape but instead because I did that it appeared as if I was mentally ill and now it's like I have to fake being mentally ill in order to escape the mental illness paradigm and it's not that I'm actually faking it I have had so many horrific experiences it's almost like maybe the universe is faking it for me I'm not sure how it works and I could be faking it too in terms of how I had a pretty traumatic experience like five six months before all this happened and I had to sort of fake certain aspects of things in order to survive that I felt like if I didn't fake certain things then I might be killed and then now it's like oh I tried to fake my own death and now it's like I'm faking mental illness not that I'm actually faking it but it's like it's not real in a way it's it was a result of that original fake and not really dealing with all that so in a way I'm still like I don't know it's it's a weird sensation I guess it feels fake in that it's not really a mental illness like it was trauma it was all this other stuff that comes to this apex that appears as a mental illness so that's part of the fake too and in a way the ego is fake and I'm on medication that helps me function has this ego and that's kind of fake and then I'm working in the mental health system which is a big fake not actually dealing with what's really troubling people and letting it get to the point where some was so distressed that it's just called open your own mental illness and nothing else related to that and related to that that article that I read by Ron Unger talking about psychosis and he was being critical of this thing called navigate and I don't know anything about it but he says that that program would say psychosis is nobody's fault people do not cause it and Ron says wow really nobody does anything to cause psychosis meaning like trauma nothing abuse nothing causes psychosis nobody's fault and that's just another excuse to just say oh which just happens it's your brain you take your medications and be good now because nothing caused it but that's a load of horse manure and that's what I'm talking about in terms of my own experience because there was so much that led up to this label of psychosis that is fake in that all the actual real bits that led up to it never supported led up to this thing called psychosis so actually feel like there's something with this hole entropy thing with this transformation of energy it's like there's this energy in our body stored in our body or stored in our being and that's sort of the allostatic load and it's stagnant and the energy needs to flow and then all of a sudden there's this huge release of energy and information and it's all muddled together and that sort of so-called psychosis but it's something that needs to be released it's like this entropy and consciousness this thermo dynamic energetic transformation process and is trying to get us to process things in a different way not in terms of our own ego I think there's some kind of entropy and consciousness going on and it's as just as the entropy of information has meaning only in relation to well-defined questions so the entropy of thermodynamic analysis has meaning only in relation to a well-defined system and it says that again and entropy is a loss in information I think again in entropy is more disordered so more disordered means less information because it's more disordered and I think of the ego breaking apart as sort of a gain in entropy and so that would be a loss in information but I think when that is broken up there's actually an entirely different system of information processing that comes in because the ego information processing is an entropy or is that this information system that is actually false so when it breaks up this morn a chiral way of processing formation can actually come in and it talks about how if we already know something then no actual information is is there it's nothing new and that to me relates to how the ego goes in circular loops and it talks about how if no information is processed then there's no energy available so we're not really processing anything so there's no energy available so we're each sort of our own closed loop and if we're a closed loop then that energy is not actually available to the greater system and I think in that way we've been turned into machines and then you talk about by providing a departure from equilibrium it becomes a source of information and useful energy and I think that's what's happening in consciousness and a person that goes into map consciousness or trans consciousness is its away from the ego equilibrium which provides different information and different energy in that person's going to do different things and it talks about how the energy of the Sun gets stored in clouds and lakes and things well I feel like the energy is also stored in human beings and I've talked about how now more and more energy and consciousness is actually into the biomass of humanity but if we're not actually processing information and learning we're more like stagnant pools than actual sources of flux and flow of energy and information we're not the source of creating energy and information from the energy we're not thermodynamically transforming our bio mechanical energy into new information we're just actually consuming old information and not really learning much that's new and so we're not contributing back to the cycle of infamy shun and learning
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I'm putting together a worksheet with a few things on it relating to what I want to do moving forward which is provide some options so simple things about safety like the representation agreement an advance directive and I used a group called nidus or knit asst and ID us to put mine together and then i have my medical ID in my phone and then i'm also considering getting a medical ID bracelet with something on it to the effect that long-term antipsychotics or any psychotics over 14 days gives me a necklace these you have reaction and I don't want to be on any of them so the one thing about that though is I don't know if I want to be walking around with the word antipsychotic or no on my body but at the same time it could be helpful I'm just wondering if there's a way to frame that without having to write that stuff because I talked to the company and they said i can write whatever I want so i could write goes to go stick up your butt if you try to pathologize me something like that but at the same time I'm not against being pathologized if I'm sort of past the point of no return and there's a way that's helpful to me in there's ways that are definitely not helpful and I feel like with different things in place I can possibly step up my level of attempting to thrive and then if I attempt to thrive so much so that at some point it appears that i attempt suicide well then that happens but at least I'll be pulled back to some version of my ego self and then also the SAP strap idea having a zap strap and my PRN so those are some of my safety tools not safety as in oh and now i'm going to protect myself from crisis but safety in that if i venture too far into unknown territory like inner unknown territory then i can keep myself safe and then i also wrote on the spiritual emergence network that's a safety tool for dialogue + emotional cpr training which I'm hoping to bring here and the voice is envisioned study club and the voices and visions support group as I found when I went to the group they were very much not into pathologizing that particular so-called symptom and i even have their group guidelines and i says except that voices and visions are real experience same with anything that i've talked about for me it's real for me sanctions of freedom to interpret experiences in any way i like this one about the facilitators not under any pressure to report back to anyone clinically and the facilitator said that other interpretations are more empowering and meaningful and i was thinking about that this morning i was thinking about if i want to put a positive spin on this diagnosis I've been given right then and there it would be scientifically proven that I would be expected to have better results so even if it is wanting to be called a pathology by some professional people if I put a positive spin on it it's going to help me and not just positive spin as in oh I can recover that's the going positive spin right now it's no I can use some of these strengths and abilities that I've gained I've gained empathy I've gained sensitivity and that makes it difficult to function sometimes but those are actually abilities and those sensitivities I can use actually to interpret and find meaning in my experience so by saying the experience is not meaningful is actually denying some of the main faculties that one gains through this process which is empathy and compassion because the process is so jarring and it's so vast that it definitely expands one's range of one's ability to sense and perceive things we can only really see something that we have the contacts for and by being given this vast array of context now we're more sensitive to so many things and that the thing is that the way society is designed most of the stuff that we would move towards in society naturally when we're programmed we actually will recoil from when we lose that programming because we see that it's dangerous and it's not actually how we're naturally wired as human beings a lot of times when they create groups or something and people that have been isolating for a long time they actually start coming out it's because it's something that is how we're naturally wired as human beings like gardening for example it feels safe it feels natural whereas if you say to someone come out and we're going to give you electric shock treatment they're probably not going to come out and that's the other extreme but it is something that's out there and another guideline is make no assumption of illness so I like that one because if I was to go to this group even though I've been diagnosed with an illness I actually don't feel that I have an illness in my heart and if I did feel like I had an illness and my heart and I took it to heart that would probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy I'd always have the lens and the lookout for anything that could be construed as illness then if I saw something out go to my doctor and then they give me another pill and then like it would just go on like that and which a spiral I actually showed my little niece a picture that I saw an Instagram and both women were 80 years old and one looked like an 80 year old woman with a cane and white hair and the other 80 year old woman had a six-pack had beautiful skin was smiling was just an incredible shape better shape than I min that's for sure and so it's those little choices that gets a person to one extreme or the other and for me having a diagnosis that puts me in a field of choices that could actually quickly lead me to death or morbidity of some kind like if I was to go on medication that made me eat more and then all of a sudden I have diabetes and then I need more pills for that I would look completely different than I look right now and right now I'm not even the healthiest that I've been but I see that because I've been put in this paradigm with this lens where I can be funneled into these choices that I wouldn't choose for myself I have to be even more aware of the choices I do make for myself because if I don't make even better choices I'm going to have less of a choice as time goes on like if I don't eat healthy I'm going to likely end up with diabetes or something because being on medications already would predispose my body to be coming out of balance and things like that and I and I was at one point probably about 30 pounds more than i am now and I started to make choices with the help of one of those apps for tracking food to really see that i was eating way too much so at first I cut my junk back by not eating as much and then I started to put in the healthy foods and that's how I lost 10 pounds and I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to lose anything because I was on this medication that was sort of keeping me at that equilibrium but I was also making poor food choices based on craving those sorts of foods based on being that on that medication so I had to break that cycle so the next part of this sheet about the spiritual emergence network and the groups is that this group is a group that doesn't pathologize so i would say i'm kind of a vision seer extraordinary experience and when I went to the group I was impressed that people actually knew what open dialogue was they knew about these other strategies so just being around people that have other experiences that would commonly be pathologized that choose not to pathologize themselves is empowering and I would like to do that more often and then I did and I did go to California to be trained as a spiritual emergence coach and haven't really utilized that I need to look at it again and see what it is that a person can can do with that it's group based so it would be another group similar to voices and visions and I think maybe after i see the healing voices movie next week i'll have a better idea of what I want to do with that and so after the personal safety measures like safety from the system and safety from self with this app strap the representation agreement then with the dialogue also safety with the spiritual emergence network crisis line and then the support groups of voices and visions and also spiritual emergence coach group it's also really important to have happiness embodied mania or whatever one chooses to call it so that's the thriving element so once one feels safe and connected and supported in a non pathologizing way but also ready to be pathologized if need be because that is the main system of crisis response right now so I'm ready to be pathologized but I'm also protected in that I won't be pathologized in the way that almost ensured chronicity for me I barely managed to us so I'm wondering why I'm trying to put myself back into that stressful poisonous paradigm which would potentiate the probability of me going into a crisis and then needing that kind of thing so the third is happiness and embodied mania and you know that could be creating a meetup group being creatively maladjusted or what I like to say is creatively adjusted because it's society that's maladjusted so when we're when we're doing something different we're actually being adjusted and we're actually adjusting society and there's another one which is options there's a book choices in recovery I think I've mentioned and it has a lot of different evidence-based stuff for people that want to design their own recovery if you want to use that word and i would say design rediscovery and recreation of oneself and it could be good to have a rat plan wellness recovery action plan i have one of those i have app and also tom Wooten's bipolar in order is a really good one for starting to test the whole thrive thing he talks about being in an uncomfortable state but being able to act in order versus being in an uncomfortable state and being in disorder and when you're in disorder that's when you have to enact a plan to bring yourself back to order and then you can try and step into that again which kind of naturally happens anyway but he's all about allowing ourselves to practice being in those uncomfortable States and practice being in order versus just getting freaked out at the first sign of one little anxious thought and i would say i did this two weeks ago when i started to feel quite distressed and i took a week off work and and it totally worked like I went back to being in order and just it took a bit of took a few days but then I felt fine whereas if I would have not done that I don't know what it would have happened I was starting I cried in front of one of my friends and there's nothing wrong with that but if that would became like a daily occurrence and I don't think that friend has ever seen me cry and I generally don't cry very often at all so so it worked and I think for me what I'm wanting to explore for myself is coming off medications and that sort of the last bit is being supported connected safe happy for me I don't think it's a good idea until I have a living environment that is more quiet and peaceful because that adds a lot of stress because when I really think about it I would rather be able to say that I'm not on any and medications and I'm managing or even thriving versus being on meds and working in the system so I might try and work with the EMP people because I have a natural path but he said it's not within a scope of practice to switch me to lithium orotate i think so i can imagine that after i hopefully have the ECP our people come here and do training and I've moved to a quiet place i can get off the lithium i want a pretty i'm on a pretty small dose I don't think there's any point in really risking my stability before our Christmas I've already voted from the psych ward celebrated a birthday in the psych ward I don't need to celebrate Christmas and the psych ward I'm definitely feeling the impulse to be embodied to go ice skating to work on my posture and my structure and everything and those things will have an effect to make it so my body last longer because I've talked about before how I think everything mental is illness in a way or is dis ease if we're mentalizing about staff that were not really at ease with the present moment so I've done a lot of unfolding meaning for myself with these experiences but at the same time they're all mentalize ations away from the present moment or in a way the present moment I had become needed all this mental ization and meaning making in order to get actually to the present moment that I'm meant to be in so it's not really the mental is a shins that have meaning as much they were necessary to get there for example if I have a mental ization that I need to kill myself it's going to get me to a moment where I might think I need to kill myself where nothing really could be happening in the moment to actually justify the fact that that needs to happen besides the words the mentalizing and mentalizing is like mental lies there lies I could be thinking about anything right now but the fact of the matter is I'm just sitting here in my living room and anything moving away from that would be like saying well I don't want to be sitting here in my living room I want to be thinking about something else and I think a lot of the people who critique not thinking have never put the work in to get to that state and to see that it's very similar to the thinking state there's just not all these words going on and we don't necessarily understand that words don't need to be going on in order for us to actually act act based on the intelligence of the body not on the abstractions and conceptualizations of the mind which usually aren't congruent with what is happening with the body so we turn the body into a habit in order to be lost in our abstractions giving us maybe dopamine or something like that when if we're in the moment acting without thought we're getting that perception of that action versus the abstractions and not having the perception of the action it's almost like we don't even feel our body anymore and maybe we don't feel it partly because it's in a lot of pain because we never were able to act in the moment oftentimes when we experience pain we've recorded something that somebody says that Lisi is painful or we record something that's pleasurable and then those are the moments we recall as memories to vacillate between pleasure and pain what I'm saying is if we're just going between pleasure and pain in our own head based on our own abstractions we're not actually in contact with our body and our gestures and when we are in contact with that what's being recorded is nothing it's just all passing through us as us with us as the moment in the moment with the moment and I even made a note of something that kind of rings true it's it seems like supposing mental illness is attaching different meanings to life than the one we've been programmed to attach to life for example education is success getting a good job that pays well is success and then often people that get highly educated and get a suppose a good job they don't feel happy and then that's when all that mental ization is happening in order to allow them to cope with the fact that they're so far away from their innate happiness because they've been tricked into putting all their life energy and money into training and education to get this good job success is always away from the moment and success away from the moment is a thought and if we're always thinking that success is in the future it will always be in the future and if we think that success is a certain thing that's a thought when we get that thing we're going to realize that's not happiness so these other meaning makings that get so extreme that they're seen as hallucinations and delusions are actually a way for us to see different meanings to get us away from our program meanings but those aren't necessarily the meanings of life either it's just sort of a process to see oh there are other meanings and Oh any meaning can be attached to anything and when one sees any meaning can be attached to anything along the way none of it means anything in particular and that's another thing is to have a delusion suppose a delusion that is attaching apparent meaning to something or thinking something or having a certain belief it can just be a passing thing like a cloud like oh that's nice but if say I was to also believe something then it can become problematic because now I start comparing everything to that belief and and then things get really confusing so part of it is that who is the one that believes well usually it has to be some kind of Center or some kind of ego structure so once we attach even like a really high belief to something well now we've recreated that ego center when the believer and the belief are one of the same is the same process it's this trying to attach to something part of what I think has helped me along the way is to not really believe any of it so if I talk about an experience well that was interesting but it's not something to be believed part of this process to this meaning making shows us that we can make infinite meanings and if we don't attach to any of them then it just keeps going and I think at some point when some of those meaning making things that happen start to level off in terms of say like being too high or too low or too odd I think that's when the brains natural learning process is re equilibrate it it's like okay well now it's just learning without accumulating anything because in the same way that a brain can create infinite meanings as it goes along in the day when those meanings actually become learnings they become insights and then they're like oh that's interesting vs. well that's so far out there and and I think that's part of the process is getting to a place where the brain can learn without attaching to things and being taken away by it so when I have insights into things that usually just come up naturally and then sometimes there'll be one that comes out of nowhere that's way beyond what I was even learning about are enquiring about in my brain and then it's kinda like oh that's nice sort of like an outlier but when a person like if I was in an extreme state those outliers would be coming all the time and it gets to be a bit much because if I'm sort of inquiring within a certain range and there's an outlier if it's if it's just sort of dropped instead of clinging on to and then all these other outliers start coming and it's not able to make my brains not able to make any sense of it so I think I think part of the process is just the brain reestablishing learning actual learning how we used to learn and I've talked about this in previous videos about the mine screen and pattern recognition versus binary good bad positive negative pleasure pain I came across this mad in America article by Ron Unger and he says that he's talking about criticism around the biomedical model biochemical imbalance in the brain theory but instead they tried to convince us that scientific consensus exists around a notion of biochemical imbalances which actually lacks evidence and they frame the drugs as handily correcting the problem even though the actual evidence suggests that the drugs create a biologically abnormal state of suppressed dopamine and that this in turn causes the brain to shrink etc and so when I read that I found an interesting because I've been talking quite a bit about dopamine and and and how if these drugs suppress dopamine it's sort of suppressing something with the ego and i'm not sure what and i don't have time to talk about it right now i have to go to a meeting so i'll think about it but it's interesting that those drugs act on dopamine it suggests that something sort of gone wrong with the dopamine and i think what's gone wrong with the dopamine is that the dopamine is just wrong and something else is trying to be established but that could be part of the ego band-aid is it acts on dopamine somehow and and by suppressing this dopamine maybe it's trying to explode and implode on itself but these medications come in and kind of keep this dopamine thing going to some extent this ego self and maybe that's necessary for now um but it's just really interesting that I saw that
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I was thinking a little bit more about Matt cons video on intention and I was thinking about how he said set big intentions for mundane tasks and I also realized in a way that the state of map consciousness is a state of a different intention completely so what Matt cons talking about is from ego consciousness setting big intentions and I was thinking about how in map consciousness the ego is scrambled and so there's a completely different intention there to begin with there's different meanings but the whole state seems to be of a different intentionality and it could be towards being relational and being embodied as one's child like self because that's how we are naturally in the ego is sort of programming that's in the way of our natural way of being and maybe the intention is to be creative and to learn which is beyond right and wrong because right and wrong would mean we have to compare it to previous knowledge and so we're always classifying and categorizing our perceptions based on previous knowledge and the previous knowledge is what is actually what is making things salient so we're only seeing what we previously know to be true and categorizing based on that whereas in map consciousness it's a state beyond right and wrong it's a state of always learning and there's pretty much no time to even judge whether something is right or wrong it's just like aha moment after aha moment and everything that is an aha moment is seen and understood as truth for that moment in the moment maybe not truth ultimately in context to every single moment but in that moment seen as truth and then it's let go and the next truth comes so it's like a state of living in truth for a moment to moment and when the ego starts to come in and try to judge and make things right or wrong good and bad then that moment a moment truth unfolding starts to get mixed up and then when it gets mixed up one starts to become in a state of confusion which leads to fear which leads to scary meanings and associations and then one eventually reassociate with ego consciousness the one that says right and wrong good or bad and I think too there's a difference in that when a person is in Eagle consciousness and and making these intentions it's still an abstraction and still a conceptualization whereas in map consciousness it's actually a state of being and the meaning and the intention are actually in the moment and then they're gone and in that way it's always new and diverse whereas if we're conceptualizing and abstracting in order to make intentions and meanings were still distracted from the infinite unfolding of the moment and i still feel there's value in doing that for sure I just see that when I compare it to the space of map consciousness when we're connecting with something of other meaning and of other intention besides the egos desires and intentions it's sort of like what he's talking about but the universe is doing it for us it's a way of being and I still feel what he's talking about is a way of being even though it's giving voice to altruistic intentions which is a good thing because it's a it's of a different quality than thinking about oneself I still don't think it's good to follow anybody really part of me just speaking to myself like this is perhaps giving permission to for us in a way to think for ourselves about stuff and talking about things like mania and psychosis for hours upon hours in ways that I choose to think about it and talk about it because it's my own experience a professional can give me a label but it's likely that professional has never experienced this so I'm talking about it and thinking about it and looking at it and inquiring about it in and presenting different perspectives on it in ways that I choose to think about it and I'm even using some scientific terms with my limited scientific background and reading but if if people that are professionals want to impose professional terms on my experience then I can use professional terms to unfold and extrapolate my experience too it's about me creating and using language the way that I would choose to because language is what creates our perception of reality so if I talk to myself enough in this way it will sink n to me and maybe that's what Matt Khan is talking about with the intentions as it sinks in to one's being when one says all that stuff enough i guess i would have to try it to see if it translates into actually being able to be that way in actuality cuz for me all of this talking with myself is leading up to being able to embody my mania which is a state of so many different things it's you can't define it I can't define it but to me it's like hyper learning creativity always learning so in a manic state or an embodied manic state I would always be learning just like when I'm talking to myself in self dialogue I have some stuff written down but when I elaborate on things most of it i just make it up on the go so I've never actually heard that before until I say it myself and to me that's learning for myself it's learning from my own perception it's learning from my own ability to extrapolate from what I've read it would be sort of like how a person who's a researcher might research one paper and then look in the references and then look up all the papers that led to that paper and look up all the papers that led to that paper and each of those papers might have taken ten years to come to so there's like thousands and thousands and thousands of hours worth of intellectualization that goes into that one paper because it's all from a hundred papers leading up to this one paper and all those papers are doing that but we can actually do that with our own brains and be able to draw on things that we read ten years ago but we forgot that we read or something that we say that is completely new how many sentences do we think or say in a given day that are completely original that we didn't get from somebody else last week we don't come up with anything because we've been taught to just learn from other people we we don't know how to actually engage our own brains to learn and so with me doing this all this talking with myself it's inviting myself to do that and I'm surprised with some of the stuff that I've said even though I can't remember it anyway and I feel like I've been able to say some stuff to myself that is kind of interesting to me that I could have been just reading books the whole time and reading interesting sentences that other people came up with that other people took five years to come up with and put in a book or something and there's a lot of that out there there's a lot of great information and ideas that people have said but I find that now I'm in a space where I'm able to just create that with myself it's like I'm speaking out my own book to read verses reading other people's books and I think I really enjoy reading other people's books but I think it's more powerful to to see things for myself and say them give voice to them then if i was to read it from somebody else i would be sort of like in child development kids naturally will learn how to walk but that would be like an adult saying okay well we're going to make this kid walk well it's going to happen anyways so in that same way i feel like just by having dialogue with myself and coming up with some of my own stuff and building on that it's more powerful for me though I might have been able to experience something similar by reading books because the thing is with the context that I'm talking about for myself a lot of people have been through this similar thing and it's it's a similar context for a lot of people and a lot of people might choose to write a book but I've just chosen to do this whole self dialogue process I feel like my up consciousness is a state that creates context all of this talking to myself has come out of that experience and is trying to create other context than the programming that society would have me believe and when that gets scrambled I'm creating other context naturally because I'm not in that and also with what Matt Khan said he's saying attach big intentions to mundane tasks like sipping water is saving the world for example and a person in sipping water has control and also has control over saying when I sip water the world is healed now I've been in spaces where I don't feel like I'm in so much control but I've also had enough so-called control to be able to set intentions or context so if I'm feeling quite distressed I could think that the universe is recalibrating me for the highest good or I'm processing other information than just my own because if I'm in a state of distress that's greater than my current situation it implies them processing more from my past or whatever maybe even the collective unconscious so by thinking that as part of the context that I've created for myself by speaking to myself about it I'm not going to be so afraid of it because if the fear comes in then that's when other associations can start to make it spiral out of control more and also it's sort of like saying something along the lines of the universe is recalibrating you for my eyes it or just recalibrating me it also states well this is time-limited it's not going to keep going forever and it's also not saying oh this is bad and I need to stop it from happening it's just something that's happening so it's not really putting any kind of value on that experience and by calling it bad and resisting it it can actually make it worse because we have the energy of fear and resistance going into the experience it's sort of along the lines of this too shall pass another thing with these videos to that I haven't really talked about I haven't really thought about it this way but in a way I'm a person diagnosed with a serious and persistent mental illness and that sounds kind of scary but I don't think I'm really coming across as a scary person I hope not I was thinking about dissociation and how I sometimes dissociate as part of this whatever that's going on and I was thinking that when i dissociate i often feel like a homeless person and and in a way my inner home is my ego self that's how I feel at home by being that version of myself so when I dissociate from that I feel homeless because I don't feel like me I don't feel like my ego self I'm wondering if that's because homeless people don't really have an ego self and they feel homeless because they are homeless because they can't function because they don't have that ego self which is the functional self so I feel like bipolar in a way or at least association is like being an inner homeless person I feel like it wouldn't take much for me to be a homeless person I guess like if my ego Center detached and I dissociated from it and I wasn't able to get back to it I don't know how I would function at all and I might just be a homeless person wandering and then I think about how if homeless people wandering sort of don't have that ego self in a way they're more sane because they don't have this functional accumulative Center I feel like they could be in a high level of consciousness actually but society wasn't designed for them to be in that level of consciousness and so now they sort of appear to be these homeless people and there's this big gap between say homeless people and then the people that have it all and that needs to be closed that gap needs to be closed because I feel like one day I could disconnect from that ego and and be homeless or or disconnect from it and say have some kind of dementia and or appear to have that but really i'm actually quite conscious and aware inside yet i can't actually do anything to show that i'm there i don't know it's a strange sensation i feel i feel myself simplifying my life like they talk about simplify your life and why it's good and everything but I feel like the way that this consciousness is going it's wanting life to be simplified I would have complete necessity like it has to for example I've very little food in my fridge right now because it's very it's difficult to sort of like plan meals or I don't know it's strange it's I almost feel like I almost feel like I need to organize my life in such a way that it appears that i have a functional ego but really I would be completely lost it would almost be like having no memory no ability to really plan ahead so then what would be necessary is going based on oh there's a sensation of hunger that means get food these are sort of things that are the intelligence of the body so bodily necessities bodily intelligence would be there which is something that happens naturally and I don't really know what i'm talking about i'm trying to describe this weird sensation I've had lately and it's almost like still having friends and and meeting up with friends and things but meeting up as a completely confused person but not confused in a bad way confused in that the brain really has no motivation because the motivation the desires of the ego and of the dopamine stuff and so what is it like to live without that and I feel like if i was to resist that happening i could perhaps interpret this loss of functionality in terms of the ego functionality and some of its necessary I just feel like I'm losing more of it for example a year ago I would have been eating lots of fruits and veggies and have all the ingredients in my fridge for salad and be ready to make a smoothie as well stocked full of veggies and fruits and everything and now I can't even now if I get one thing a spinach it goes bad because I'm not really thinking about making healthy food for myself I can manage to do those overnight oats and then have like rice and indian food sauce and that's kind of it and if I was starting I think I've talked about before if I was starting to feel really unwell physically I could probably manage to to focus more on that but it hasn't been detrimental in terms of energy and things because I have a different view on energy and how it's not necessarily from food I think it there's I think healthy food is important but I think at a certain point it becomes less important like one can let go of one's attachment to healthy food I do take some vitamins maybe I'll at some point stop taking those two and I was saying how I'm having trouble focusing on certain things for work linear tasks and things and it could just be temporary as well because I do often get into a place where I'm more functional in those ways when I think about this last number of months I haven't gotten better with the food thing at all I'm not sure where I'm going with that it's it's something that I'm experiencing cuz i had a week or so of distress but now that that seems to be over I'm sort of in this space of being a bit spaced out and I don't think it's necessarily bad but I could make it feel bad if I resisted it and if I tried to do certain functional things that aren't really congruent with the state I wonder what a ready position would be for random acts of kindness and synchronicity what I mean by that is a lot of sports they have like ready position but when you're getting ready for a serve in tennis or or when an outfielders getting ready for the pitch in case the ball is hit in baseball a lot of us walk around with our heads down or sunglasses on looking at our devices and that's not really ready position for being relational or randomly kind so ready position would be like eyes open mouth corners up and ready to look at somebody's eyes hands out of the pocket ready to shake someone's hand or grab the door so I feel like there's sort of a ready position for for that and I think it's related to posture and gesture
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I can see the value of stress in a way stress as allostatic load when it accumulates for me for example I have low tolerance to stress and when it accumulates I can get to a place where I'm in so called delusion or hallucination and these delusions and hallucinations are actually ascribing different meanings to reality and in a way if the reality is created in such a way that it's just stressful in a way when that adds up to a certain point it should accumulate in a way that creates it so the organism starts to make different meaning because if it's so stressful that the meaning is stress and suffering and pain because whatever it is that one has been programmed to see and experience and believed to be real and meaningful is now a source of pain it's giving stress and so that's stress once it gets to a certain point actually initiates a response in the organism such that they hallucinate or have delusions which is basically making different meaning outside the spectrum of regular consensus perception because perception has to perceive something else in order to move toward and create that and that that other perception could be just as true as consensus reality but since it's not consensus reality at seen as hallucination and delusion when really it's reality testing it's actually trying to push the spectrum of consciousness of what is acceptable reality to be something of different meaning maybe not necessarily better per se but the organism naturally moves towards wanting to create other meaning because this stressful meaning is painful and no longer meaningful it's actually leading towards destruction of the organism so the organism tries desperately to find other perceptions it finds meaningful and some of them actually can be even more destructive to the organism and cause more suffering and it seems like when a person goes outside that norm of consensus and to say mania and it's like ecstatic and and supposedly positive now to come back to consensus one goes into those negative things and one actually that could be part of it to not go too far out of consensus reality because then one is in isolation and so the negative scary stuff starts to happen so then one goes back to find safety with people because otherwise one which is go off into personal ecstasy and we would all just go our separate ways from each other we wouldn't even need each other anymore so the the coming back is sort of scary and it is a requirement so we then again need each other the trouble is upon return we're often pathologized and so one gets stuck in being pathologizing is never able to really harvest those new perceptions and those new meanings and there's the scary meanings to which can still be learned from as well I can just really see these stresses their perceptual stresses they're perceiving the same reality and being stressed about it and more and more because one is repeating the same stressful daily routine and then if somebody has more stressful events then it can lead to that point where consciousness wants to perceive something else that's meaningful in order to pretty much save the organism from continuing with that path that's not leading to anything meaningful because we might need meaning more than we need pleasure pleasure doesn't really sustain us for that long I was also thinking about the importance of the incongruence of moods and experiences so in the last week I wasn't feeling as good as usual if you want to call it that and I actually feel it's important that sometimes my mood be lower than what it is that I'm supposedly experiencing because if it was always the same in terms of if I'm doing something good then I feel good if I'm doing something not as good I feel bad then that would actually delude me into thinking I actually know what's happening and I know the meaning of things so in a way having incongruent mood is a way just to remind me like I have no idea what's going on and that's good because if I think I actually know what's going on then that can lead me into being too consistent and boring I also feel like there's there's ego math and there's heart math and the heart math has to do with synchronicity in the ego math has to do with habit we need to hallucinate and more meaningful reality and this increase in stress actually helps to facilitate that I've been reading a little bit more of Timothy Leary's book your brain is God and there's a few really good parts in it but I just came across this one on page 103 at the bottom he's basically talking about the number of people who have gone through this other conscious experience mainly in terms of using illicit drugs like marijuana and LSD the whole book is related to LSD but I think it's really congruent with just going into altered states of consciousness without using drugs some people go into that it that way and some people have it happen without doing anything like that which just shows it's a natural process that can either be facilitated by using some kind of drug or it can happen without that but at the bottom he says if we add those millions of institutionalised mystics who have had involuntary psychedelic experiences this group swells to astounding proportions so he's talking about people going into other states of consciousness through drugs or not but he says millions of institutionalised Americans which are the people that have been institutionalized through supposin men's mental illness because he talks about having involuntary psychedelic experiences and that's sort of what map consciousness is it's an involuntary psychedelic experience it gets our inner pharmacy going and creates in inner psychedelics so it was just really interesting to see him write that at the end of this book about how there are people who he calls institutionalized mystics this book was published in nineteen eighty-two so luckily since then less people are institutionalized but people are still put on pharmaceuticals which is like a chemical ego band-aid and he says on page 95 after you turn on don't spend the rest of your life contemplating the inner wonders begin immediately expressing your revelation in acts of beauty that's very much part of our religion the glorification the acting out the expression of what you have learned so I feel like manic consciousness is sort of like acting it out then one goes through psychosis and back to regular consciousness usually medicated consciousness but I feel like what he's talking about there is what I was mentioning earlier about embodying mania so here I'm sitting unfolding context from myself in self dialogue but at some point it's also about self embodied mania and he talks about getting one's place in order and he even talks about moving if place isn't really in harmony with with consciousness and I think with all the noise here that really resonates with me to move and on page 66 he says he's talking about being in an altered state of consciousness and then it's he says that a person can realize ultimate truth if there's enough preparation beforehand he says otherwise he cannot benefit now and must wander into lower and lower conditions of hallucinations until she drops back into routine reality so again that's talking about how when one goes up into higher states of consciousness one then when they're coming back down goes through sort of scary hallucinations before one reattaches to reality so the fact that one through manian psychosis has that happen it's the same if somebody takes an illicit drug it's usually happy stuff followed by some scary stuff and on the bottom of page 65 he says liberation is the nervous system devoid of mental conceptual redundancy and so I feel like he's talking about the ego loop voice that just keeps talking on and on that's redundant it's old it's boring its programming and so when we're liberated we are free of that and he says on page 48 modern quantum physics is currently producing scenarios involving multiple realities indeed infinite universes determined by the attitudes and mental structures and measurements of the observer so the attitudes and mental structures of myself in manic consciousness is very different from in regular consciousness now I want to embody my mania I can do that to some extent but I also need to reorganize my reality so that it's easier to maintain those attitudes and mental structures because what I've talked about too is how it's actually not safe to be super ecstatic all the time it's may be safe to be ecstatic and silly and playful when being with children or something like that but otherwise it's safer just to be sort of our robotic self and on page 46 he uses some language that i was using similar language she says now 20 years later we are harvesting the fruits of this disorganized mass brain scrambling so he was talking about the use of LSD and other psychedelics and how it was like a brain scrambling well I feel like map consciousness is another type of brain scrambling it's the universe scrambling our brains and it scrambles the ego for sure it suspends the ego temporarily and scrambles it but I find it interesting that he uses the word harvesting and brain scrambling and he talks about brain casts in the book he talks about how gaya has a division of labor of consciousness so certain brains are better at certain tasks in humanity I almost feel like the different symptoms of mental illness are some of those tasks in a way like receiving special messages or or hallucinations or things seeing things that aren't really there but are there for some people to see and it could be even that over time for example there are the voice hearers and then there are the vision Sears there are people that have different perceptual diversity and those could be just other intelligences and brain casts and those ones are the ones that are not being allowed to flower he has another book called psychopharmacology the politics of and I just flipped to a page it's page 64 and it says does LSD cause psychosis and he says psychosis is a sudden unprepared for confrontation with levels of energy that bewilder and terrorize you a psychotic person or person having a prolonged LSD state is suffering from a level of consciousness first reported by Buddha over two thousand years ago if you treat a psychotic as though he were looking at you with 2 billion years of neurological perspective I think you would find yourself able to understand and be understood by him that's a pretty good explanation and I think that a lot of the extrapolate of learning after the fact comes from that experience of being given all those different perspectives and on another page he says we need a language of inner space and that's sort of what I'm creating his context of inner space of map consciousness in retrospect in retrospect but also to be able to provide context for when those states of consciousness happen again and he is another vet on the politics of ecstasy and he says the first problem is to know something about the different levels of consciousness unless you have some model or language for describing different states of brain function you're operating in a state of confusion so I I feel like when I talk to myself about this stuff I'm talking about different levels of consciousness and different experiences I've had in order to have that context to speak about it and understand it and I'm not just doing it in order to investigate my experiences but also to talk about it in terms that I would like to understand it moving forward and maybe not exactly understand it but at least have a web of understanding and meaning and language to have a framework that if I have an experience it fits somewhere in there if there's all these different lines of understanding if something else happens that's new and it'll be likely knew because it's not old and I'd rather allow it to be new rather than interpreting it as something that's already happened while it's happening I think I'd rather fit it in somewhere after the fact but while it's happening let it unfold but what I'm saying is if I have such a diverse context there's less chance that something will happen that's so far out that it will scare me whereas if I've never created this context if I just have my linear ego understanding and anything that happens that's even a slight deviation from regular consciousness it's going to freak me out but by having this fast web so many different possibilities can unfold and I'm not necessarily going to be afraid of them I'll be more curious about them allow them to unfold and then put them in some kind of context after the fact and I think this has already happened because I have had a few experiences I don't even remember what they were now because they didn't get so out there that I was describing strange meaning to them they were perhaps uncomfortable and then there was probably something that I was having a sense of that was uncomfortable but it wasn't this big leap that was this huge meaning outside the web of context besides just discomfort and maybe some kind of uncomfortable story trying to assert itself but since I wasn't becoming afraid of it there was no fuel to make that story create more levels of the story that were more and more fearful because I was becoming more and more fear so in that way it was cut off from the source of energy but what allowed me to contain it was the context so for example if I was from a culture that had a bunch of context for other worldly experiences like the shamanic stuff if I started experiencing something like that that I had heard of I would probably go for help knowing that I would be supported through that and I would be less fearful knowing that but in society as it is right now we don't have that context so then anything outside of that becomes terrifying after after a certain amount of time and that fear fuels it makes it worse and worse until a person has to go for emergency help versus having a context in the community where people are supported through it because the community has the context so what I'm saying is I've sort of created that context for myself in a way and I did have some uncomfortable experiences and a pile up of stress that could almost put me in a state and I talked about I think in the last video how it seems like the accumulated stress puts people with that propensity and consciousness into a state where they might have supposed delusions and hallucinations which great different meaning which is creating meaning away from the path one was on which in a way it keeps a person on the path towards supposed mental illness but these delusions are trying to move us outside of regular ego consciousness but they get entrapped again by the medical system most often because we don't have that context to understand it so I'm at least trying to create that context with myself and I would invite anyone else to do the same provided one has the right safety measures in place I feel less fearful knowing I have safety measures in place which will which will mean it's less likely for me to become more fearful which is more stress which would accentuate fearful experiences in altered states of consciousness and i would like to embody my mania and move towards that but i do understand that if i go so far into that i might have to come back through scary stuff in order to reconnect with consensus reality and I guess that's sort of the next part that would be cool to do it seems right now that I might want to look at a few books in order to I don't know if it's convinced myself or what but maybe convince myself to leave my job and and focus more on what it is I'm drawn towards which is not pathologizing these altered states and maybe creating context and save space and safety for people to pathologize themselves less and then of course move towards one's highest vision of oneself for the good of all and I don't think that can be done through peer support and I've talked about that a lot lately and I didn't want to turn myself dialogue into that sort of thing but if I do leave soon I will be leaving in a good place which sometimes it's harder to do than leaving in a bad place like if I was to go into crisis again and it's strange to feel like we'll never know what it was like to walk out that path to the end because I left when I was still could take in a few more steps but it just doesn't feel right I was also looking in this book the spiritual gift of madness and I talked about it in one of my first videos when I was just getting going I was reading from it a bit to see what I wanted to talk about and I feel like I've talked a lot about this to myself which I'll still do but the next bit is how do I start to talk about other people with this about this and so for the next little while I might be looking at books a little bit just to help with my resolve in the direction that I want to go and this book the spiritual gift of madness i have like a lot of tabs and then a lot of highlighting and i came when i open the page i basically open to this page and it says on page 265 one does not have to repudiate the doctrine of mental illness as i do to see on an objective level that the medical model has been extraordinarily destructive even to those who embrace it so this page is sort of trying to taunt me to the side of the medical model is totally bad and in most of my videos even though I'm critical of the medical model I say well that's whatever is helpful and I still am in the medical model both in my work and I do take medication I have a psychiatrist and one of my theories is if I stop working in the field it's perhaps possible that i won't need the medication because it's sort of stressful working in a paradigm that i would like to transcend and see other people begin to transcend and so this chapter is sort of this whole book is very critical of the medical paradigm and part of me doesn't want to let it go because i have this sense that if I need help I'll likely be taken back into the paradigm so if I'm completely against it i might go kicking and screaming which would get worse treatment then if I was like yeah you need help come and help me but another statement it says on page 265 is it is now absolutely clear that diagnosing people with schizophrenia or bipolar illness giving them high doses of medications over long periods and not talking to them about their experiences produces a chronically disabled population and there's a reference there and then it says the psychiatric model produces the data that seems to validate it a chronically disabled population and I experience that when i went to the psych ward in April and I was put on a medication that wasn't helping me and I had to switch doctors in order to be switched off that medication and had I not been able to switch doctors to switch off that medication I don't know how I would have been able to resolve that so now I'm really afraid of going back because of that kind of treatment possibility but I created an advanced directive and representation agreement but basically the medication they gave me made me worse which just made it look like it was worsening of my mental illness which I knew in my heart wasn't true I knew it was the medication and when I was off the medication after month and a half I was back to being fine so often the treatment can make things worse and then a person that doesn't know the difference would never know that it wasn't their mental illness making them worse that it was actually the treatment and on the next page 266 it says the psychiatric model has no value even for those who claim it works for them the only honest indeed the only compassionate way to talk to patients who think they are mentally ill is to tell them that they have been misinformed and deceived they are not mentally ill they do not have a chemical imbalance but they had undergone a crisis they have dealt with a difficult problem in living and they do possess the inner resources to overcome their personal problems and contribute to saving the planet and they do not need toxic psychiatric drugs and it goes on to say that we shouldn't even tolerate the psychiatric paradigm so those are some pretty strong words and this whole book is filled with some pretty strong words it's the spiritual gift of madness by Seth Farber those words were from his book just little blurbs but I recommend buying the book if you want to learn more about this and I feel like I'll be studying a little bit of this plus some other books that I have that I read a couple years ago and I haven't really read them since yeah this book has this book has so many amazing ways of saying things on page two it says at the bottom people who have been defined as mentally ill reframe their conditions and celebrate unusual some call them spectacular ways of processing information and emotion so there's just so many good points in here and I feel like a lot of us have this context already it's not like we really need to read it in a book reading it in a book is more validating than anything else so reading some of this can be validating to what it is we've already experienced and i'm not sure what happens in order to actually create this context and this is something i've talked about on numerous occasions on page 123 it says psychiatry does not solve this problem of how to help the awakened person live in this society the goal is to adjust the person troubled by the insanity of the world to the normal world at all costs better to drug him back to sleep so it's all written in books and staff I've talked about from my own experience is sort of unfolding my own context that it's not really my own it would be similar to a lot of people who have gone through this and I just wanted to do a lot of self dialogue in order to vocalize it because I think that's a lot more powerful than reading it in a book on one's own because I already read these books a couple of years ago which I forget I forget what I said a couple weeks ago and I just remember reading the books and thinking wow this is all in these books and I always felt that that was how it was for me from the beginning but I didn't actually start to investigate any kind of books on alternates for a number years I just was having fun and I would actually like to go back to having fun but it'd be nice to be able to go back to having fun and be off medication and be out of this not fun paradigm oh one thing I came up with today that I forgot to talk about and it's totally unrelated but I realized that I realized that in terms of air pollution from vehicles and things like that all that oil as carbon is like in the ground and we're harvesting it and turning it into different products which is sort of distributing it so cars burn it up and it goes into the air and I was thinking to myself well if all that oils date in the ground all that carbon would just stay in the ground maybe eventually turn of diamonds or something but then it wouldn't really be able to be used again so it feels to me like our air pollution is actually a good thing in a way because it's distributing the carbon all over the earth again and it'll eventually be utilized by something it'll probably kill us before it really kills everything but in a way if it kills us then all the carbon will be everywhere because it's an air and it's falling everywhere sort of like carbon rain in a way and it's generally bad but in a way from carbons perspective it's kind of good and maybe from organisms that use carbon and it's going to create a selective pressure for something around that kind of carbon there's another blurb in the book that talks about being able to remain calm while in a very scary psychosis and i feel like i may need to develop the courage to offer a potato chip to an alien standing right in front of me
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5 years later...
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I was supposed to do some stand-up comedy but it's a big snowstorm here so I'm not going to be going when the cool thing about snow is that the traffic is way slower moving on my street so I'm not hearing engine noise all the time so I really like that I was at the farmers market the other day and I ran into a man that I've talked to a few times at the farmers market and he follows a man named matt khan and i think i mentioned him in one video but i'm not a fan of how he makes people repeat stuff just gives me the heebie-jeebies a bit but this man that I ran into he said I could watch this video on the key of intention or something like that so I watched it and he talks about how for his thing which is something about the Love Revolution he said the only thing that you need to do is to change the meanings you ascribe to the symbols that you experience or the symbols that we subjectively perceive and I think this is an alignment with a lot of different things I've talked about regarding trans consciousness or map consciousness I talked in earlier videos about how map consciousness is a hyper meaning state and is trying to give new meanings to things and I feel like we actually need that to happen so what Matt Khan is saying to intentionally do is something that the universe is doing through certain people it's a mechanism of the universe anyways so I could consciously sit here and create an intention he'll say every time I have a sip of water may all beings in the world have clean water and he says by doing this we raise our vibration so by changing our intentions are creating these big leaps in intention so I feel like that sometimes what happens in map consciousness one can feel like if I turn off this light switch the world is going to end and I remember feeling like if I eat all this honey I'm going to go into a diabetic coma and die that was part of my suicide attempt and I had other ones too I had all these interesting perceptions I remember feeling like there was some significance to crows like if I saw a crow it meant a certain thing so what I'm trying to get at here is in the state of map consciousness one starts to ascribe odd so-called odd meanings and values to things and what Matt kata saying is to set those intentionally like for example taking a sip of water and having the intention that everybody have clean water I feel like part of what I'm doing through self dialogue is assigning different meanings to so-called mania and psychosis and I could go step further and feel like may all beings be able to create their own context through which to navigate this mysterious and incredible human experience and I feel like what he's talking about is it's pretty good stuff in terms of setting the intentions but then again a person might be limited by the types of intentions when is setting maybe not I'm not sure about that one I think anything that is supposedly positive is a good thing so if it's helpful it's a good thing and I do like what he's saying about that it's a way to keep one's energy a bit higher and he also said we don't change the labels we shift the meaning and when you shift the meaning the experience changes and that's what I feel like I've been doing through self dialogue I'm not necessarily trying to remove the label I have of bipolar but I'm changing the meaning it has for me I'm creating a lot of different meanings and i feel like when i start to embody my mania more what Matt cotton is talking about in terms of setting intentions and really silly intentions with mundane behaviors are pretty extravagant intentions with mundane behaviors I remember doing that in manic consciousness the first time I remember feeling like a strong sense of something being true as an intention like if I gave ten dollars to somebody who looked like they could use a nice meal I felt more beyond just that I felt like it was healing more than just that gesture to that one person and I felt it pretty strongly so what I'm trying to say with map consciousness this intention process sort of happens and changes and creates things and creates meanings and evaluations automatically it's creating these different ones than we would normally ascribe meaning to things the way we regularly ascribe meaning is by the ego and the values of the dopamine so I feel like one can still be too identified possibly with those linear words one is saying about oneself it sounds like it could help lift a vibration of a person but it also sounds like it could possibly be turned into pleasure and then it would just be another way of a person to get dopamine and I don't know how much that would actually raise one's vibration though the protective mechanism could be in that most of the intentions he caves examples of setting were things to do with healing the entire world and for all beings which is an altruistic intention I feel like if a person was able to actually just be altruistic and those things in daily life that would also raise one's vibration versus just thinking altruistic thoughts but I guess it's a good way in a way because he said that even if you put a big intention on something not so great it will raise one's vibration to the point where the person will no longer do that not so great thing and I guess a person would have to test that out to see if it's true but it's interesting I feel like I feel like what he was saying was sort of how a person at least was sort of how a person can get in manic consciousness like one can feel magical one can feel like I'm gonna wave my fingers and that's going to make the Sun Shine and it often does happen so one can make those sort of magical intentions but it's usually in the map consciousness state I feel it's more immediate like it's actually a feedback loop where one is actually seeing that could be true for real right now versus what Matt kata socking boat but in a way doing that what he's talking about intentionally might actually bring one to a state of map consciousness that might bring one to an embodied manic state in a way what he was talking about sounds to me like something i can imagine myself experimenting with and feeling quite manic if i'm starting to think that by taking a sip of water i'm healing the world those are the sorts of things that manic people would think and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that I'm saying that that could be good that could actually be a way for one to work oneself into a mania and it also sounds like it could be made into something very very silly and fun and and in a way to it could be a way to get to synchronicity because I was talking about synchronicity and I still I'm not sure how it works but it's something I want to explore and I feel like if there's all these bits of information in the field of reality if one is always consistently making one's own meanings then one can start to actually notice meanings synchronizing and noticing that one is the author and creator of that synchronicity so there could be a synchronicity and a person won't see it and if you don't see it and act on it the next one won't be made available so it has to be seen and made meaning of and made meaning of so synchronicity could actually be part of a hyper meaningful state because everything seems so meaningful so everything seems like it's synchronizing like it's synchronistic because everything is meaningful so it's just meaningful meaningful meaningful after another one after another and it's of course not the meanings that the ego would make in terms of oh this tastes good so it's good well this person is talking about something that I'm not interested in so it's bad and I'm going to judge that person for that and always doing the whole good versus bad thing versus one making meaning and seeing meaning and we have to actually see that meaning so they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder well so is synchronicity and he also says that when we assign high intentions to silly actions our light shines brighter so it's not just about setting those my intentions to make those intentions come true it's about if those are our intentions these super high intentions it's going to make us brighter in the moment because we're having those high intentions and I feel like supposed mental illness is just really detaching from the meanings that society has programmed into us our ego meanings what it means to be alive the purpose of life once we detach from those we attempt to make new meanings and we've all been programmed into this narrow band of meaning of ego programming and it's not necessarily bad it's just sort of meaningless for the most part so it makes sense that so many of us would detach from that and start to make some of our own meanings and that actually might be part of our gift that might be part of our unique capacity as human beings is to make meaning but we've already had most of the meaning of our life made for us like do this and you will get that and this means this and that means that instead of actually seeing and making meanings for ourselves and that's part of what I'm doing with this dialogue with myself is just making my own meanings by extrapolating things and just talking about stuff and it's just making my own meanings instead of relying on the meanings and equations that I've been given from society and even when I was diagnosed with a mental illness they think well that means you're mentally ill that means you're all these things and I don't really see those things as true even if I do experience more distress I've heard people say that in their distress states they're actually processing distress for more than just themselves for the collective unconscious and I think I've talked about that to a lot of it's from the collective unconscious and when we become aware of it and and process it we're actually in a way healing it and he also touched on in this video that we're not supposed to go back and constantly try to heal things and process things and I feel like that's one of the reasons why I want to move on from the mental illness paradigm because if I'm always in it I'm sort of working in a paradigm of going back to those states of consciousness which for me have been reoccurring and and somewhat rare in terms of how much time I spend their versus how much time I spend in a more seemingly normal consciousness and also by doing that I'm staying on the medication maybe if I didn't work in that paradigm I wouldn't need to be on the medication and if I if I could if I could do what Matt Khan says I would say something like when I quit my job working in the peer support field may every person pathologize find freedom to create their own meaning and context to move towards and transform into their most beautiful creative and loving selves in a way that will stop the cycle of children being programmed to be other than they were naturally born to be and adults trying to program them in that way that they believe is best may we all flower into the meaning that we make in a creative and loving way so that we never stopped learning we never stop learning how to create our own meaning and share I feel like map consciousness is essential for us not to be manipulated by the meanings of society that we've been programmed to believe and not even believe is just is so fundamental in how we are that we don't know anything different and then map consciousness comes in and shows us something completely different and because it's so different it's a little bit scary at times but it's an attempt to remove the manipulations which are the contrived ways that we've been programmed to be I remember before I was first hospitalized I felt like I was existing in a dream world and that somebody close to me was not going to be in my life moving forward and I remember when I got to the hospital and and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness I sort of realized that I had to be mentally ill in order to resolve nobody else disappearing from my reality that I didn't want to so that's like a meaning I made out of it because there were so many contradictory things that were happening and in mania there are quantum leaps in meaning but they sort of come into consciousness instead of a person intentionally making the meanings what's strange is sort of like what he's doing in his head is sort of how it is in mania I'm wondering if by him doing those sorts of weird things in his head it's causing people to experience those weird quantum leaps and meaning but in in reality in a person's reality I don't know I have this weird sense that by just playing around with words in one's mind it's just creating more words out there in reality for other people to pick up on and for other people as receivers who are maybe not able start seeing all these weird quantum leaps for real in their reality I still think that it's a bit of a distraction in a way it's a way to sort of hypnotized oneself into being okay with ones shitty life I'm pretty sure you're saying your vibration has changed so then when your vibration is changed then things go better you do different things so in a way I guess it could be good i'm just not completely sold on it because again if it's taken into a pleasure reflex or one gets a certain sense when their vibration is rising one can become addicted to that sense of raising vibration and when it becomes something recognizable it's more like a memory it's more just stimulating that memory of that sensation which is similar to just saying a mantra or something like that it's in a way a bit of a form of self-hypnosis and if it is then he's selling in a way self hypnosis and since it's so hypnotizing since it feels good it's easy to sell and often I find when I am a little bit critical if you want to call it somebody i haven't mentioned that many people and I haven't been super critical but just curious about certain elements what people are doing and I don't know everything they're doing so I can't say for sure again it's just me talking to myself to unfold my own meaning I usually find out within a couple weeks what it is that that person was talking about because I've talked about Tom Luton a little bit and talked about how it's not the greatest to be able to behave in order just to go on one's crappy life but I wasn't feeling the greatest the last week or so and I definitely felt like I was able to stay in order and it was handy as opposed to maybe freaking out a little bit and then causing a bit too much unnecessary hoopla so I can see it's very beneficial and necessary but I also still feel like there might be things that I need to change in my life because I wouldn't want to always be needing to do that like it took a week off work and that's something that I would do if I'm feeling like I'm becoming disordered so he talks about having planned for when this happens well I didn't have a plan written down because this job was new but I just knew if I took a week off it'll probably help and I was able to stay in order with the other stuff I was doing even though I wasn't working and I feel a little bit better this week even though there's signs of impending disorder so what I'm saying is I can't take a week off all the time like that so if i was going into disorder the next thing to do would be to get rid of the job and also in terms of making other meanings and i talked about this in a previous video was that in a way my mental health diagnosis is a bit like a disguise because if i go into that meaning-making domain of map consciousness and then i eventually come up against meanings that are a bit scary then i'll likely be sort of medicated or or come through that crisis with some kind of medical intervention and they'll just think oh that's my mental illness so maybe it's fine if people think that it's a mental illness for me and that's when I just smile a nod and just go about whatever again and I think it's it's one thing to create the meanings of our subjective experiences and our symbols in regular consciousness and to set these big intentions as well and it's quite another to be a person that goes into map consciousness and is a pioneer of actually seeing and acting in and seeing other meanings that are actually there it's one thing to say no when i turn on my washing machine the whole planet is healed to actually being in map consciousness and going out and about and seeing something like when i would look at a person and they would change into their beautiful light body version of themselves it was quite an experience and that's an actual experiential confirmation of different meanings it's a different meaning of what it is to to look at somebody without judgement and watch them transform and come alive before one's eyes and that's powerful and to see that and to experience that and then to come back from that one is able to see how meaningless the regular monday life actually is and I think we'd all rather have this other meaning this other perception that shows us other meaning not just hypnotizing ourselves by making warm fuzzy meanings to raise our personal vibration so we can feel better about ourselves and I'm not that I know that's not all it's about I'm just being hyper critical because because I've been to a place I've been in states where some of the crap that he makes up in his head I've actually experienced and it's scary as and maybe because he is making crap up in his head and putting it out there other people are picking up on it in actual reality and I feel like with harvesting mania a person can be sort of a pioneer of the meaning because we can make other meanings most of the meanings we have our are conditioned and programmed ones or the ones that were allowed to know through science and I could make a million meanings and maybe one day they'll have confirmed ten of them by science just through random coincidence but I'm not going to just sit silent and wait 10 years for ten of what of the million things I've said to show up in a scientific paper that I may or may not read that's really boring it feels like map consciousness is the universe setting intentions for us and setting meanings for us and it might be one thing for us to create our own intentions in our mind and it might be another for us to actually be so present that we perceive meanings that the universe is trying to show us and that could have to do with this synchronicity so if we're so busy always creating our own little intentions in our head are we actually going to see what is synchronistic Lee there for us to see and it brings me back to thinking about how would a manic think and process it would create its own rules and games like an example of an intention I would set in mania though I wasn't released thinking I'm going to set an intention it's actually in mania it's like that way is the way of being it's not just a way of thinking and I'm guessing that if a person sets those intentions their way of being will change slightly so that's probably where he's going with that but for me for example I would put quarters and one dollar coins on door handles of vehicles because I thought when people saw that they would maybe smile so my intention my guess was to make people smile or I would throw some money on the ground because I somebody found it they would feel lucky so to me that's a different way of doing it like is it more powerful to put actual physical coin on the ground to make one actual person feel lucky or is it more powerful to not be creative in action and gesture but just be creative in thought and thank those things and sort of feel better in one's own personal self and it's one's personal vibration but not necessarily do anything different now he's saying that a person will naturally do different stuff but why can't we take those fun intentions that he's saying and actually do something for real not just put intentions on one's own daily mundane activities but actually devote some of those daily mundane activity time to actually really doing something in reality and maybe all the intention setting for a year is not as powerful as one smile though maybe a person setting nice intentions for a year will naturally smile more at people so it could just be the same thing in a way I feel like everything is the same thing it doesn't really matter what it is and maybe what matters is the intention and then you get back to the setting of intentions so so that's why he says the meaning we give to the symbols we subjectively perceive
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I'm reading a paper that I've had for a long time but I've never really read it and I don't read that much lately but this paper is called memes as replicators and I was just struck by something on here they're talking about memes and they use memes in terms of there can be parasitic memes which will kill the host but there aren't that many of them really and I'll probably talk about this bit again because it's very relevant to what I talk about in terms of the phenomena of autism and it says parasitic memes can be successful for a time but not for long jeans when they catch on to what's happening we'll design brains that reject parasitic means and I'm thinking about how children with autism how their brains are being designed genetically and they're rejecting language the rejecting memes and they do pick up language but they'll never really pick it up to the same extent because it's gotten to a point where even our supposedly successful memes are actually parasitic and I think we're really deluding ourselves if we think that they're healthy because the memes in general are about personal success and personal gain and seeing that as success and that can no longer be sustained so now brains are being designed to actually reject that they can't the brain actually can't absorb those memes anymore and I think that's the same thing that happens with people that go through map consciousness as that the memes are changing it's a state of experiencing all these different memes and new memes and I talked about before and videos a long time ago how there's like a pruning process that happens in this and one can experience really terrifying memes but they can be pruned off but if we don't manage to prune them sometimes we can end up harming ourselves or a lot of different things I feel in map consciousness we go outside the field of the program means the ones we are so embedded with and we see there's something else we feel free we're just free from our own linear program thought patterns and those are seen as normal but what we see as normal is actually going to destroy the planet so not only is it an individual thing and phenomena it's a pressure of the entire Gaius fear I feel and then it says symbiotic means which promote behavior adaptive to both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive to or creative of such means I think that's really important to it's saying that the genes can design brains and it can also design epigenetic rules for those means and I think that's what's happening with map consciousness that's why we can go into it epigenetic alee there's some kind of factor allowing us to go into that epigenetic space and it might only be temporary in that we don't have the nutrition I just watched a movie I think it was called red lights or something and it was about disproving telepathy and stuff it was a pretty good movie and they mentioned in the movie how we dream 27 times a night but we have this protective mechanism in our brain that makes us forget I feel like thats related to map consciousness and trans consciousness in some way it's almost like not being able to forget things so easily so they build up I think it relates to the mechanism of synchronicity somehow and I don't know how but because synchronicity in a way is a type of remembering but it's also a type of forgetting it's almost like remembering to move towards those things that feel like clues intuitively as opposed to being in the habit of remembering i talked about how we form habits in a way in order to be able to just go back into that mechanism of remembering so in a way synchronicities the opposite of habit it's almost like a remembering to go towards that which is new and we are programmed to go towards that which we recognize and that which we recognized as safe and comfortable even though it might not be necessarily good for us such as something like an abusive relationship if that's all we know that's all we can really makes alien that's all we can move towards and in a way with map consciousness it breaks that moving towards the same thing all the time and instead of moving towards a very limited range of similar things we were opened up to that huge range of different things and if we're open up to that range of different things then we could find that which we would naturally synchronize with versus actually being programmed to look for and I was looking at this memes as replicators paper again and it'll probably take me a little while to get through it but there's a part here it says in most but perhaps not all cases there is strong Darwinian selection against allowing oneself to be manipulated unpredictable even random behavior is often an advantage for an organism and I think this relates to what I was talking about in a previous video about how I feel like mania and psychosis are protective in a way because no matter how amazing some kind of philosophy or ideology or doctrine seems to be there'll always be a certain number of people going mad as it is and not really buying into whatever it is that one is attempting to be programmed into and even consensus reality is a programming it's a manipulation and so I feel like a certain number of us on a grander scale in terms of Gaia are going to resist that manipulation even if it is the best possible thing at the moment because we can't necessarily be programmed into the same thing evolution goes towards maximizing complexity and that would go for consciousness and humanity as well in terms of memes so map consciousness in a way is increasing the complexity of possible means it might actually be a mechanism for accelerating memes that I already talked about it in terms of epi mimetics and endo mimetics and where do those memes come from because this paper sort of talks about how it's a very slow process as faster than genetics mimetics faster than genetics but it's still quite slow because we're just sort of recombining memes and and I think that in map consciousness there's a huge source of new memes and I've talked about before how to is not necessarily like they're all great or they're all right or they're all correct or useful and this paper talks about how there's a selection for memes as well and and in the process of map consciousness we select for memes that sometimes get us killed or sometimes make us end our lives or make us end up in the psych ward and it seems like there's a certain theme of memes a lot of us that get pathologized have a certain array of memes or beliefs that are typical of supposed pathology but since it's so consistent in a way maybe there's something there and those things are actually somewhat maybe those are the memes that are wanting to be selected for for us to actually believe like for example that there are special messages maybe it's not super helpful to think the messages are coming from the TV but just being tuned into messages other than ego programs could be somewhat helpful and also if we think of ourselves that were some kind of hero or grandiose thing maybe that meme of us actually taking responsibility for helping the world along with altruism is something that it's a meme that's trying to be selected for there seems to be a theme of these certain meme streams that are trying to be selected for and then those are the ones that get people actually pathologize you know say there's 10 themes of the memes that are symptoms well if they're seen as symptoms they're going to be pathologized and medicated and then people will be dulled out and suppressed and numbed out but if they're seen as possibilities as potentials they could actually be dialogue with to bring them into proper context so for example maybe in a super hyper perceptive state it seems like messages are coming from the TV but that can be toned down into just being more intuitive and more of an empath and more of a highly sensitive person in terms of the those traits that highly sensitive people have and it could also be that some of these memes dreams that we have on hyper alert when we go through map consciousness are some of the ones that would naturally develop as a highly sensitive person if those were never programmed over by ego circuits which is a very limited circuit sort of dopamine pleasure pain good bad program morality of society these other lines these other so-called symptoms are almost like these are trying to be developed as more circuits of information and sensation and possibilities so I thought it was a big clue here to say that there's a strong Darwinian selection against allowing oneself to be manipulated and that's one of the things we do dislike the most is being manipulated and I think much of the societal programming is manipulation but it's sold to us as this is how it is and we go along that path until we snap in a into map consciousness and our pathologized when we've been manipulated away from our natural way of being and they talk in the paper about how their meme theory might predict its own success because it's memes about memes so to create a theory of memes with memes is going to make it seem successful and I sort of extrapolate that too if i create the highest theory and philosophizing and memes and contacts etc etc etc about map consciousness about mania and psychosis that would allow my consciousness to level up when it comes to that and then it says there's a blurb about how our brains were constructed by genes with the single-minded purpose of perpetuating themselves and that these brains are infested with means with the single-minded purpose of perpetuating themselves and I was thinking to myself I think this relates to but it doesn't say here that memes actually right genes so they're saying how there's memes that actually helped perpetuate genes and genes that helped perpetuate memes but I also think that memes right genes so memes are kind of the environment there the environment in which we're bathing our brain and that's going to change our genetic expression epigenetically as well as probably writing over jeans and writing new genes and our brains with the means just like they say well stress stress creates epigenetic changes well a lot of stress is actually just words it's talk it's worrying about things and being concerned about things and those are actually words so that is causing the stress and then that changes genetic expression as well as the actual genetic code and I was thinking too that I'm a source of memes and if memes change genes that's a way to actually change genetic expression and others or even pass along genes and even with gestures and behaviors that can help pass along genes as well so genetic reproduction as in having children is one way but just speaking memes is another way and in that way we can be contagious I like their definition of what they call a difficult meme a difficult meme is something that's difficult to teach or learn or difficult to communicate and they tend to die with the brain containing them and and many memes and animals are difficult because of lack of language I'm trying to create some language and make some of these difficult memes easier to see they say where do memes come from they arise by combination of parts of some old memes in new ways with perhaps just a jot of originality mutation and I think that a lot of the memes that come through me are quite original at least for me but there could be similar things out there and they say stressful situation seems to promote mutations in genes and means but the stress must be on the genes not just the organism thinking in terms of map consciousness and how that must stress the genome to mutate towards that maybe we haven't produced the mutations to sustain those new lines of supposed symptoms which could be gifts misunderstood and it says there's a strong selection pressure on genes to produce brains that accept or create symbiotic memes and reject bad or parasitic means I think that there's been like this artificial selection pressure created towards dopamine and personal pleasure it's almost like dopamine and I feel like map consciousness is outside the field of program means and it's in a field of selecting new memes it's like a freedom from all those old memes and now one is selecting new memes and I think that's very important for the evolution of consciousness and our understanding of what it means to be human and it says symbiotic memes which promote behavior adaptive for both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive or creative of such memes so somehow it seems that these difficult memes of map consciousness they're difficult to learn and understand and communicate even within oneself need to become symbiotic memes there is a selection pressure on genes to alter the memes environment so as to push difficult memes upward into the symbiotic category so they can be shared among relatives and so people have these map consciousness experiences and have all these memes and they try to share them but since other people haven't experienced that and seeing things that way they don't understand and they pathologize that it's sort of like a person going to California and coming back and telling their doctor about California and all of how it looked like and then the doctor says well there's no such thing as California but the doctor has a picture of California and since you're describing what the doctor sees in the picture of California aka a textbook they're saying well you are hallucinating because you're seeing this picture described in this textbook but the doctors never been there at themselves so it doesn't make any sense it's like new neural pathways trying to be created but then they get pathologized and it's all congruent with literature it's like the same thing my voice is a little off today I'm in a different place right now my if I didn't label it bad it wouldn't be a bad place at all it's not the same as being super productive and able to work I feel more hyper sensitive to noise I feel like I don't want to live in this location anymore that's so noisy i came across the word g no toxins in this epigenetics guide and I feel like words orgy no toxins in a way because they can change our genetic expression and I think map consciousness is a different perceptual nutrient there's memes that are meaningful and those are sort of a nutrient those memes that are meaningful have epigenetic effects so in a way they are a nutrient and they change the way that we metabolize and utilize nutrients and we need to assimilate those nutrients those meme nutrients and a lot of the memes and mania are quite euphoric and healing and comes often at a time when we desperately need that and dr. David Bowen wrote a paper on soma significance and I haven't really thought too much about it but it reminds me of sort of perception and DNA in that DNA is somatic its physical and then perception is sort of meaningful and so that meaning can be transformed into matter and matter can be transformed back into meaning in that perception DNA interaction in that epigenetic exchange and epi mimetic exchange as well and I was thinking too they were talking about in magic tricks how much of it is just diverting our attention and I was thinking about how the world and how we're programmed with thought diverts our attention away from how magic the world is and when we decouple from that we see wow the world is so magical and then we need to be pathologized and medicated in order to no longer believe that the world is a beautiful magical place so the ways that we've been programmed is actually a magic trick to get us diverted away from magic so it's actually a programming is tricking us away from the magic I remember what I wanted to do originally with these videos is make videos for a year and then as they start to come up on the one year mark make a second video about the video like watch the video here later and make a video about that video or I could also make a video about that video make a video about that video and also talk about life one year later and build on that context thing my first videos were in june of this year so June 2016 so once i get to june 2017 that i can start doing the parallel video
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see how long I lasted making videos while sitting here because the trucks are just driving me bonkers I just saw a post on Facebook somebody saying there are benefits to psychosis and that's what I've been talking about even though I haven't really used the word psychosis that much that I recall I've been using things like map consciousness and trans consciousness to encompass that whole spectrum instead of saying mania and psychosis I say map consciousness and I say that too just to join them together because it's at least for me it's kind of cyclical it's I go into hyper perception and then I come down and when I come down its kind of hyper perceptively scary and that might be just part of it because going into that ecstatic mystery one has to come back through terrifying mystery it's sort of how things go because if one just kept going into ecstasy I feel one would eventually be in isolation because if one is in that state of profound ecstasy nobody else is there with the person unless they manage to meet somebody who's there to which you know it'll be wandering off into one's personal ecstasy and you could even think of how some people say take a an illicit drug together and then walk off into the forest and die because they sort of walked off into ecstasy together and that's not grounded in reality to feel that inner ecstasy all the time because reality is not structured in a way for us I just got a phone call and I don't know what I was saying something about the positive aspects of psychosis and I just say map consciousness for me too encapsulate the whole process and and also to sort of take away the judgment of mania as good and psychosis as bad because there are two sides of the same coin so to always want one and not the other is sort of impossible at least in my experience oh and i think i was saying people can go off into their own ecstasy and i think that's great for a period of time but it's not sustainable and it's not something that I would want to have all the time being human is about the rich spectrum of diverse feelings and experiences and perceptions not about just being an ecstasy all the time and I feel like if I was that way all the time I would stop feeling that and I think actually ecstasy is something that would change over time as well if it was becoming more sustainable as it was embodied in the neurology it would sort of be toned down because we would have more neural networks devoted to that pathway as opposed to the pathways of anger and jealousy and all the things that we have wired into us as part of our physiology because that's how we're perceiving because that's how we're speaking to ourselves and speaking about reality and making commentary on reality so that's what we bring in to exist or that's what we make real out of existence existence is existence it's already there that domain of ecstasy is already there right now we're just not making that salient for whatever reason so it's not necessarily about Oh creating one's reality with one's words and thoughts reality is this infinitely complex something that we don't really understand and it's just a matter of what we're tuning into well mainly we're tuning in to the sound of our own voice saying things that are pretty lame so we experience reality a lot of times as kind of lame and I think that's when the reasons why map consciousness comes in and tries to push us out of that to give us a sensation of something else and I actually feel it's almost like how well perception creates reality that's what makes certain things salient and that will additively and iteratively add to that perception and so I actually feel like our evolution as human beings is evolution of consciousness and that is by perception so what we perceive is what we move towards so we're moving towards this sort of ecstatic experience or other experience of these inner human dimensions that are infinitely complex we end up getting afraid of that because it's the unknown and things get more and more strange and unrecognizable and then all of a sudden we're starting to act in ways that are unrecognizable to people that know us so we can only go so far into that as children we were allowed to be infinitely complex and silly and weird and strange and then we slowly got programmed into the small range of behaviors that are acceptable and then when we break out of that all the other people that are programmed or like what is wrong with that person when it sort of needs to be I think the other way around like whatever what's wrong with people that just you know clench their freakin anuses so much that they can even do anything except for a walk in a straight line with their head down so so I actually see it as certain number of people are going into this other perception or in order to perceive it which changes are neural networks which changes our DNA perception changes DNA perception as in seeing perception as in eating something and not being perceived by the cells of the body that rewrites DNA and I actually came across an article in my email from the Health Action Network society and they were saying the article says scientists uncover genetic evidence that we are what we eat and it goes on to say that they did a study with some parasites and they fed one high sugar low nitrogen and the other high nitrogen high protein and then they sequenced the DNA and found that the DNA sequence was different based on the diet so that's the perception of the food changing rewriting the DNA because the perception of the need to process that as fuel changes the DNA in order for the micro organism to be able to use that as fuel so in the same way perception of different perceptions versus are programmed ones which keeps our DNA the same different perceptions are going to change our DNA so if we're constantly perceiving ecstasy well we need to have the genetics to actually be able to hold that ecstasy so maybe it's different neural pathways in the brain different neural pathways in the body and I already talked about how gestures and different gestures are going to change our muscle structure they're going to change our neurophysiology it's going to change everything so if we're perceiving and acting differently the perception is the changing in the action and the gesture which changes our physiology and then I also talked about how one can change one's posture and stuff to actually change how people feel and that's in the science as well so what I'm saying is that I feel that a person experiencing trans consciousness and map consciousness is actually to change our behaviors to change our genetics to change our physiology to get us to act differently to create a different reality so when we're perceiving that since we're not supported in our new perceptions and our new our newly acquired high sensitivity which some people already have and are never programmed out of whereas other people they're programmed out of their sensitivity their childlike curiosity wonder sensitivity learning it's narrowed down to a very small band and then some people break out of that with map consciousness which can happen in so many different ways which shows it's completely natural that's the thing this whole ego structure that we're trying to recover again is false and that's why it's so difficult to get back and get one functioning again because it's not real and it's being used wrongly so I feel that these new perceptions are trying to get us to behave in a different way to go back to being our original childlike self trajectory and where it's not seen that way it's not seen as this person's kind of in childlike state that I feel if we were never programmed away from that we wouldn't need mania and psychosis because it's like this gap between our ego self and our child like original self and then this mania and psychosis process happens the ego breaks down and were snapped into this childlike version of ourselves but reality is not congruent and our reality in our lifestyle design is likely not congruent to support us to remain in this going forward so if all Zen learned that are childlike state we probably are in a job that doesn't support that and part of the article says they can even tell what the organisms diet is by looking at the genetics so it's just showing that our genetics are mirrored by what it is that we are consuming whether its food whether its media stuff whether it's our own voice in our own head and mainly we've been consumed by that and I feel like in the map consciousness process it probably rewrites our DNA pretty quickly and then and then we go back through psychosis into the consensus reality and our DNA is probably not suited for it anymore we don't have the DNA of competition and all these ego structures it's almost like false DNA it's almost like those word viruses that were infected with and then we translate into our own voice insert into our DNA and this study is interesting because I watched a video by dr. bruce lipton years ago before he even wrote a book and the talk the video is called the biology of belief which he later titled his book on but he doesn't really write too much in his book as what he says in the end of that video he says that perception rights DNA and he said there's something called genetic engineering genes genes that rewrite DNA it's one thing to say epigenetics the expression of DNA changes but to say that one can actually write new DNA I think he didn't want to elaborate on that too much at the time and but he showed that same example where bacteria were put into a medium of nutrition of some type that they didn't have any genetics to process so they should all be dead but through the experiment whatever however they designed it eventually they lived and they had the DNA to create the enzyme to break down whatever it was to use it for fuel so I feel like and I've talked about before how nutrition is important for us but there's also a different energy so when I go into manic consciousness I don't need to eat as much actually when I eat it goes right through me I've had that experience and I lost a lot a lot of weight so I was probably burning the energy of my body but I wasn't sleeping so just to think well food equals energy we know that's not true a hundred percent exactly what I'm saying is these perceptions that are meaningful and insightful and that we learn from these endo memes and these epi memes perception of something new the unknown and understanding actually gives us energy it's a different type of fuel so I feel like in saying that perception can also be energy not just food and since we're always perceiving these old memories and ego processes it's wasting our nutrients in our energies and keeping us trapped in that reality we're not perceiving anything new but when we perceive something new we see it new were like wow you reeka serendipity well we can have that happening all the time yet reality's not reality is not designed for that but as we see that and maybe move towards being in that state all the time if we can design our lives to sustain that then we're going to see and perceive and learn and create something different instead of eventually hitting a brick wall with our perceptions and then coming back through the scary perceptions in order to get back to a lower reality a lower order and that people are thinking and seeing old patterns and old memories all the time with their ego process so what I'm trying to say is that these new perceptions are form of nutrient that is going to alter our DNA to make it so we can actually continually process it it's almost like the foods that will feed our souls and not just feed our souls it's the actual reward it's the actual energy of cooperation and all these inner human dimensions that are naturally fulfilling without thinking I have to do this this this in order to be happy so we're delaying happiness by this thinking ego process which prevents us from learning and seeing a new because we're so busy abstracting about what we think will make us happy when we've forgotten what happiness is so in a way map consciousness is a gift that's trying to allow us to remember how we were as children instead of having to wait until the next life to do that and if we remember how we were as children we're going to create a different world for children to grow up in instead of forcing them to inherit this garbage and I was also thinking when we're not perceiving and learning in and living in this energy then we need all the pleasures and then we need all the pleasurable food and there's nothing wrong with eating something pleasurable but when we're addicted to it that's going to change our genetics and a lot of our genetics is going to be geared towards processing those pleasure molecules that we get from the food plus the molecules of the food that aren't the greatest for us and maybe there's a certain capacity because when they did the genome sequencing project years ago they were expecting to find like I don't know something like three hundred thousand genes something like that but basically they found 30,000 like humans have 30,000 genes or 26,000 or something and we don't have that many more genes than like a fruit fly really so it could very well be that we have only a certain number because our genetics are always being rewritten and maybe they're being rewritten all the time but generally now when we get tested for genetic stuff they only test it one time and they think it's a static thing maybe one day they'll have like daily genetic testing to see how one has shifted maybe they'll be able to test once capacity to hold ecstasy and if a person goes into that ecstatic perception it's easy to see how eventually one would hit a bunch of perceptions that are not ecstatic it's almost like how they talk about if you leave a bunch of monkeys in a room long enough they'll write out the Bible verbatim and in that way it's almost like for us usually we walk around we're seeing our old perceptions and our thoughts and memories but if we manage to decouple from that long enough we're going to see something new and something new and something new and learn learn learn see beauty and and we'll have walked towards ecstasy instead of being like ego perception ego perception ecstasy Eagle Eagle so we never end up in that path of ecstasy but sometimes things line up in such a way that we go into ecstasy and that could be synchronicity in a way but when we think about it most people aren't in synchronicity because we're doing what our ego and how we've been programmed to be an act and stuff so we need more people to be in alignment with that to have more people go into seeing that and being that and being able to sustain that like I see it like this giant quantum puzzle if if 99.999% of us are just going around in circles then we're going to be creating this world that we have but if more people get an alignment it's very powerful when someone is in alignment that's like the higher states of consciousness and that will bring more people into alignment because somebody is in alignment which is more powerful than being in alignment with the ego which is not being in alignment at all I guess that's when this thing about living that way and giving others permission to do the same is something of interest and dr. Abram Hoffer said that a lot of this stuff is a perceptual disorder and I think it could be perceiving a different order and I've had the experience in mania where everything feels so loving and beautiful and wonderful and I think by feeling that it's bringing it into existence it's made manifest through that it's always there we just can't feel it because we're so busy abstracting about things and the abstractions are actually our ideas about what we think is meaningful and we're actually making meaning by that each thought carries meaning and we're making that moment into that meaning by that meme that we're saying and it's like what I was saying with the person who had surgery to restore eyesight we can't make sense of what we're seeing but in a way we can make sense of it with the ego it's something that is of a different sense and i think it's infinitely complex and unfolding we can't really reference it to anything so it could be the state of beauty truth love but what is that like it's something different each moment it's not that word and a lot of people go into these states of consciousness after having a traumatic experience and it's sort of a way of having post-traumatic growth in a way having a traumatic experience is sort of like seeing that this society is pretty crappy and it is designed in a way that a lot of people end up having traumatic experiences so consciousness looks for other things that are meaningful besides that like if somebody gets to traumatize at work for example for some reason and they had a lot of meaning attributed to work well now the meaning it attributed to work is one of trauma so one would naturally go and look for something else that's meaningful and some people end up stumbling upon the inner human dimensions and go on that inner journey of map consciousness and trying to make new maps and meanings other than the ones that the ego has falsely created and ascribed it's like moving away from the poison we've been habituated to there's a different nutrition that we're just not able to process we've been getting our energy from these ego processes that give us pleasure and reward in the form of dopamine and we're looking for those little bits that are those rewards that we've been programmed to seek as rewards and it's like there's this stress in decoupling from all that we've been told is meaningful when we realize it's not meaningful at all and usually that's what happens when a person really changes their life I heard somebody say be the evidence I think the next step in my life is life style design as well as embodied mania I've noticed that lately I can't stay at home and thats related to that home less for homelessness which is home dash less which is just be homeless and I think the other part is love more not fear less but love more and it seems like I feel no anxiety when I'm living this way right now whereas if I just sat at home I probably would feel anxiety so it seems like I'm allowing that compass to move me to move about in life differently that will slightly alter reality and my life and I don't know how far that'll go but I have had the sense lately that I'm sort of like a homeless person who has managed to stay housed and I can see that there could be a trajectory in my life worried i do end up homeless for some reason I feel like if I stay in this mental health thing too much longer that could happen because if I have a crisis then I have to start over again for some reason I have to do it through the system again
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I can probably last another twenty minutes out here in the cold I guess we'll go on to random bits I was thinking after rebounding I was thinking how do we celebrate our body cavity in the field of gravity and when we sit we compress our organs and and move them out of the proper orientation so it sort of changes our energy that way to and how rebounding exercises every cell in one's body and I think it actually helps us contain ecstasy there's a lightness to it and there's a celebration to it I was thinking to the experience of map consciousness or trans consciousness going into one of those other states it's sort of like trying to use ones opposite hand than one strong hand it's almost like I'm right handed so going around all day using my left hand I'd really have to pay attention and it would get frustrating and it's a little bit more difficult because it's something that I'm not used to but by going into those states and then coming back one can actually get better at it just like people can get better at using their left hand if they consciously use it so just because the first time is a complete disaster and ends in a total nosedive doesn't mean that doesn't mean that that's how it's going to be I was also thinking about how our standard of living actually keeps us in a prison we have this sort of cozy standard of living so we make our little cozy prisons for ourselves and then we're in isolation and then we feel lonely and then we think well I'm in this prison with all this stuff why don't I feel happy but we're not actually we don't live together the way we're designed to live together so our good standard of living is more like a good standard of dying a slow death I was thinking too that maybe when I get more into my embodied manic self I'll be called to invite people to be more childlike because if people are more childlike in general that's going to make everyone happier and there would be less instances of crisis there's one thing I want to work on which is bringing emotional CPR here to help people who are in distress that's very important it's important to have that safety it's important to not be pathologized unless completely necessary when one is distressed and then the other thing is just being more childlike in general will decrease the overall resonance of distress because people are not taking themselves so seriously etc so I think that is a different level to work on it I think is important to have a safety and then it's important to go for thriving and this would be a way for me to be unconditionally loving towards the ones that would choose to pathologize me anyone in society might choose to pathologize me if they see me in distress they think wow I better call the police or something for example versus being equipped themselves to help me and I'm not saying I'm not blaming anyone for that at this point that's where the distress help comes in but then also being able to meet with so-called normal people in order to be playful and be childlike that brings us together that unites us that is a space that is a relationship beyond oh this is the normal person and this is the person that has a mental illness those common dimensions of humanity we all have and it's because we're not existing in those common dimensions that we have this in action of thought pile up and stress us out and then now we need normal people that not be childlike because they have to be professionals so we both want to be in that domain it's like the people who get diagnosed with something can't pretend anymore and the ones that are professionals can pretend that they don't want to be that way and since we don't know how to just be ourselves and be childlike we end up being distressed and then we end up being pathologized and when I was on my trampoline today I was listening to my pumping playlist and I was thinking this is how this music moves me and then I was thinking about how most of us have an ego voice saying things and that's what moves us or that's what actually constricts us and contracts us and keeps us consistent and locked into this narrow frame that we just want to burst out of its not very good music to dance to I also had an insight about dopamine and I don't want to talk about it that much longer because I've talked about it a lot and when I say dopamine I'm not trying to pretend that I know everything about physiology or neuro chemistry or anything like that it's just sort of representing the fact that the ego is like this chemical pleasure reaction and I was thinking about how a lot of people get stuck in very unfortunate patterns were say they're staying an abusive relationship and I was thinking about how for some people pain is pleasure some people like to be like slapped or something and that turns them on for example and then I was thinking about how even if we have a negative voice in her head it's giving us dopamine it's giving us some sort of gratification of maybe knowing or something like that so a person who goes back to an abusive partner over and over is still getting some kind of pleasure from it but it's pain but basically my insight was pain is pleasure pleasure and pain are the same thing a certain touch out a certain pressure is pleasurable and is a bit further as pain so it's it's more like the the amount of it in a way so I was sensing that both is related to dopamine or something but pleasure is pain it's the same thing so even if our ego voice is painful it's still pleasurable because if we're judging somebody we're getting some kind of like pleasure out of it but then we're judging ourselves which feels painful but it's still that same reflex it's still that dopamine pleasure so if it's tied to dopamine it could have underlying pleasure or it could just be that pleasure and pain are the same thing the two sides of one coin so we need to decouple from pleasure and pain because pain is often pleasurable and that's I guess where the victim mentality comes in as well we're getting some kind of pleasure out of our own pain and it seems like we've been programmed to have this ego algorithm of making a very limited band of information salient so to me our ego algorithm is just programming and then when we break away from that we have a different algorithm that's always there but we're not sensing and so this ego algorithm blocks that sensitivity but we have this other algorithm and then when we get connected with that it's almost like now we haven't been using our left hand or entire life like we had er our left arm strap to our body and all of a sudden they release our arm and we're expected to use it it would not really move for a long time it would take a long time to actually get that to work so in the same way we're not using our entire sensitivity our entire algorithm our algorithm of sensitivity has been hijacked by the ego algorithm and then when that breaks that blocker breaks the ego blocker breaks we haven't used that entire spectrum of sensitivity doesn't make it wrong and it seems like we're behaving strange but it's just because now all of a sudden we have this entire other sensory processor and it makes us behave completely different because now we're not behaving based on our ego algorithm I think the ego algorithm is just an addiction we're addicted to ourselves and our own thoughts and our own judgements and our own perceptions which we probably got from somewhere else somebody else's voice being translated into our own voice and then we take it to be our own we take ownership of what it is that we allow to be impressed upon our attention because we're not paying attention to the fact that we are that which is attentive not that which one is attending to and I think when we're really learning and engaged we're not emoting because emoting is remembering and we remember we're addicted to our own memories so when we're remembering we're having the whole dopamine unless experience it's like saying right now is meaningless so I'm going to have dopamine and it continues the meaningless experience because we can't continue to derive meaning from our memories we can temporarily to sort of lull us through something that's not the greatest but not all the time and I think this whole thing that's happening with me where I'm going on a certain path and I'm having an anxiety reaction is like the applied kinesiology of my whole body saying that's not my dream and I have bash the ego and dopamine a lot but I feel it can also be used it needs to be used to participate somewhat in society but it needs to be used in order to move one towards one's dreams and I wrote a little bit here about something the last bits of information is that much of awareness is diverted to emotions which are representations of remembrances of the path that have already happened that thus require no processing as they've been regurgitating we are like psychological camels doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different chewing on the same memories over and over and expecting something different and so if a lot of our attention is on past memories it's old processing so we're not processing anything hence we're not aware and that amount of RAM if it's devoted to memory processing it's old it's already past so we're not actually taking a new stuff it's just again clogging up the mind screen I was also thinking it would be cool to make my area this whole coast the safest place to experience trans consciousness because there's always talk about well this is safe for gay people or transgender people rainbow flag well what about for trans consciousness people as well people who see holistically people who see from the perspective of Gaia a lot of the time they're not thinking about their own personal ego this makes them act differently feel differently participate differently people with disgaea consciousness or pathologized and then they're given this diagnosis which is like oh this is your personal problem when the problem was they were noticing from the perspective of Gaia and that is overwhelming I think we can all sense that when I think about it it's probably the sensor that indigenous people have they're just really sensitive to Gaia and and the land and the trees and everything and they would have to be that sensitive gives them a real respect for nature and also sees that they're a part of that they can't just destroy it all they're destroying themselves and we've conditioned that out of us I got something in the mail yesterday about most kids never walk in the forest and they're collecting donations for the program to get kids to walk in the forest so they appreciate the force and things and i sent a tiny bit of money i don't have very much at the moment but I support that because I love walking in the forest and it's so important to be connected to nature and people are given this personal ego diagnosis problem to distract them from what they were sensing and what they wanted to act on to just turn people into go create a comfy little recovery prison for yourself and sit there and watch TV for the rest of your life I think the voice here or community might be my best bet to connect with people who don't want to be pathologized so hearing voices which is a typical symptom of pathology and they're saying no it's not a pathology I just hear voices well I don't have a pathology I just kind of see nature and what it means and how it relates and extrapolates and all those traits that I talked about from the highly sensitive person TED talk and I was singing to a lot of what I'm talking about I'm like trying to move away from mental illness and I'm thinking maybe I'm not moving away from mental illness I'm just more so moving toward embody mania and stuff that Krishnamurti talks about that would be a way to frame it in terms of moving toward instead of moving away from I could quit my job and say well I can't work in this or I could say well I'm going to live my dreams and I wonder what the nutrition requirements are for bodies that aren't perpetually in stress I wonder how that changes the gut bacteria and gut flora I think rebounding starts to create some epigenetic changes to hold ecstasy so does laughter getting back to these manic traits gone around on this huge tangent of ego stuff and started talking about that but I'm feel like I'm getting ready to do the whole embodied mania thing and Krishnamurti talks about how thought is a material process and I was thinking about how when we think the brain cells move and when the brain cells move in terms of thinking we got molecules of emotion related to the dopamine reflex and that's part of the material process that we're getting those molecules of emotion through thinking which are going into our bodies which are making us addicted to that which are making us addicted to our own thinking our own thoughts our own voice when we're thinking our nervous system is moving but we're not really moving with what is actual it's moving it's a movement of the past so nervous system is moving as the past but we're in the present moment so no wonder we're always afraid if we're always in the past when we're in the present and I think the new consciousness algorithm is transforming base matter into light
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I moved to my rainy park parking in my car my house was just too noisy and I got a phone call and so I thought well this is good timing and I should just leave I don't know how long I'll be able to last because my feet are already getting cold i think i was about to talk about this man that I met at the day yesterday and how he owns to recovery houses or to group homes he called it and I guess they're also run by the Health Authority but he works in partnership with them and he's the owner and I thought wow that's cool and he was saying how they're trying to make them less and less medicalized and more and more free so he just struck me as someone who gets it and I could imagine if I was in a place to open some kind of respite he would be a cool person to consult with because he's had some experience with providing space for people so I thought that was really cool and so I got his information and I also connected with the woman who was doing the keynote speech pretty much and it was about the recovery declaration of Canada and and so I asked her because on this new declaration that they were getting people to sign inviting people to commit to the recovery philosophy as opposed to medicalized philosophy getting people who work in the system to commit to this and the number one thing that people commit to or the first thing was learn from people with lived experience by acknowledging and valuing their experiential knowledge and engage them in all aspects of service planning delivery research and evaluation and I think that is definitely the most important thing to be on there and there's only four points on the recovery declaration but that was the first one and so I asked her I said at a break i said i love that that's there that's amazing that's definitely I completely agree but where are the examples or where are the documents and procedures and protocols and structures and systems in place for that to happen it's one thing to say that but their systems in place for four colleagues meeting up and talking about people their system in place for note taking their systems in place for medication prescribing where is the system in place to have this learn from people with live experience and their experiential knowledge and and involve them in and engage them in service planned delivery research and evaluation where are the steps for that where are the protocols where are the procedures because that's not just have one committee once a year one day get some feedback and then go about once daily business of delivering services it's actually that is such a loaded statement that would say like have peer support workers on teams and actually value them and they're experienced by paying them for their input and have their perspective all the time so I think for me right now at this point who knows how it will unfold because I talk to myself about these things from my perspective but I also understand I don't know everything that's happening out there and so that's why I wanted to ask her and she she said that they're going to be creating a guide for people who lived experience so they know what recovery philosophy is and what they have a right to ask for etc and maybe a little bit of a guide and a compass of being able to say well that's not recovery language what you're speaking to me about or whatever so she said that's in the pipeline and that's helpful to me and they did involve a lot of people with lived experience in the creating of this guide and a lot of the things that they're doing so that's part of that first statement but I think that is a huge statement and and from what I know right now it sounds like a token statement it sounds like well that's yes that's nice and since we wrote it there we can say that that's what we're doing but unless there's some kind of real process in place for receiving that feedback and that feed forward and and service delivery and planning and and it is happening in small ways and large ways in a lot of places I'm not saying it's not but I really hope that that statement gets taken more seriously in terms of value and peer support and from what I heard from someone here there's going to be changes to peer support that actually shows that people are going to be devaluing peer support and its importance in the system and I don't really know what how that's going to play out it's just something I heard so I don't know and I have been able to get give my feedback in places and things but one thing somebody mentioned was people are afraid to get feedback because they are afraid well how will they be treated after or if they're not being treated well by somebody that works to serve them well then what like so there's some fear in there too but I was going to say that this statement to me sounds like a token statement sounds very nice and lovely and also different places in the country are at different stages of adopting things like this so it's a good statement I shouldn't be negative about it but I just feel like I guess for me I feel like I have so much to say that I should that it would be nice to just have a full-time job saying what I want to say and also to though in this process of self dialogue I'm finding that some of the stuff I say then sort of appears in my reality so not saying that's caused by me saying it but by me saying it in a parallel process with what's an unfolding in reality then that's made salient to me that oh that is happening and that's good one example somebody was talking yesterday and there's this building that was built that's like this big care facility state-of-the-art really and they call the different areas of the facility neighborhoods and I talked about neighborhoods just I like the word neighborhood and that's this huge building in different areas or different neighborhoods so I thought oh wow that's neat and the woman who spoke also talked about needing the lexicon of optimistic language so maybe if I go through some of these videos that I'm doing with myself again I can create my own lexicon of trans conscious words and things that I would like to be used to describe myself because when I was part of the panel they asked what is the most what is the part that is most unhelpful and I said paternalism not listening to what a person needs like when I was in the psych ward and given a medication I didn't want and given it anyway and then it made things worse then I had to get off that medication then sort of shake it off and and get back to life but I knew it was right for me and they didn't listen but I think I could have also said pathologize ation or medicalization sure like yes there's a little medical thing or medication helps in some ways sometimes so then maybe it seems like a medical thing but it's not a medical thing overall it's something else and just because some medication dolls me out and helps doesn't mean that i have this big pathological problem so i don't like that either and i see it as something else but then i was also thinking about and i was talking to my friend about this to how this pathology this label could actually be beneficial in a way like I resist it and I talk about I don't like the label and everything I don't like implying that I don't like the implication that I'm disabled in a way because I feel more enabled just disabled in the ways of functioning and fitting into society which is a load of crap a lot of it anyway so there's a misunderstanding there but i feel like the label could be helpful in that if i decide to fully embody my mania thrive go for my dreams and i sort of fall on my face doing that then they'll bring me back to reality if I go too far into map land into mapping uncharted territory within and making that manifest in the external reality these these pathologizing people will pull me back medicate me and say oh it's your bipolar disorder and then i can smile and non say okay and then try again and that's sort of what I've been doing but the trouble is after i get out of the psych ward instead of becoming my artist self we're moving towards my light body self that most beautiful self that IM to that i've seen other people as and seeing other people shift to in front of my eyes why can't i shift to that for myself and when I shift into that I'm going to create an experience and unfold a different reality for myself then the one that I'm experiencing by dusting myself off and going back into working in the land of pathology which in a way the pathology stuff helps just to keep one tethered enough to this reality to not actually leave the reality altogether does that'll happen eventually it's no rush for that and I mentioned too that we're educating people away from themselves and then need the mental health paradigm and people to help them and this is wasting normal people's lives too like why do we create this divide and then have the divide try to heal the lower when what creates that divide in the first place I think it's partly we're not recognizing all these different lines of intelligences and allowing people to actually flour into they are we forced people to think that there's only one way to be successful and smart in this world there needs to be more acceptance of diversity of consciousness we're getting there with diversity of genders and things but what about consciousness and intelligence so me self dialoguing is about creating my own luck took on my own context unfolding my experiential knowledge and what I see my pragmatic learning and knowledge and I am getting pretty close to being ready to be more embodied and I think that's partly why I'm having a reaction to just staying at home she mentioned the word iterative and I like that word it's like I think my videos to myself are iterative I'm unfolding one thing and then the next iteration and the next iteration and when I share stuff half the stuff I say is sort of realized or come up with on the spot and they talked about how Oh people can live a full life with partial or full remission of symptoms and I'm thinking in myself I need to be in full remission from society and i don't mean actually like oh i can't go anywhere i can't interact with people i think how i am if I'm not attached to society then I'm not in society and it doesn't matter if I'm actually physically out and about in society or not it's more the inner orientation and and she even mentioned kindness empathy and human interaction and her position is knowledge broker thought that was kind of interesting and they mentioned knowledge translation to and I think myself dialogue to myself as a form of knowledge translation I'm translating what I feel on the inside two words and videos and the panel on the panel she was even asked about involuntary treatment and she she brought up advanced directive she said we encourage people to do advanced directives and I've seen myself why don't all clinicians help people with advanced directives to keep them feeling safe and makes it easier on everyone and so I of course said I created an advance directive action after my paternalistic hospital experience and I said so then I feel safe calling for help if I need it
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I'm seeing that it might be better to wake up earlier and do a video talk to myself earlier cuz lately the last week or so the traffic noise has really been bothering me especially the trucks with engine brakes but anyways I went to a recovery day yesterday and I was a member of the panel in the morning and afternoon sessions and shared a bit of my story and success with supported housing and how much that helped me and very happy to do that I love speaking about the aspects that are super helpful and that changed my life and saved my life and everything in between I guess I I struggle a little bit with the pathologizing aspect and also how they talk about recovery in terms of oh you can recover now as opposed to before when people were institutionalized but at the same time they're saying you went to the hospital we put you on meds we gave you a diagnosis that stripped away all your hopes and dreams and the medication suppresses you and then we put you out in the community and say but you can recover instead of receiving it in a totally different way so it's nice that at least there's a lot of programs to help people move on with their lives but our humanity is sort of stripped away in the psych ward experience and then it takes so much effort by programs and systems and human beings to get a person to feel like a human again luckily where I was placed that happened right away everyone made me feel welcome and I was just having a lot of fun and I was very lucky that way and part of it was I'd never really bought into the diagnosis I bought into all the things that would help me experience wellness and happiness and focusing on a diagnosis or symptoms whether it's true or not is not going to bring me wellness this is going to make me feel less hopeful and everything so I just sort of ignored that part largely and I remember being at a psycho education group that was a weekly group and thinking this was just a bunch of crap and I didn't really believe it but even if it was something believable it wasn't very positive even if it was sort of presented in a positive light it's like Herod we're going to give you all this jargon that you have to believe in that applies to you and now recover from that but never forget that this is what your problem is and that you have a medical problem you know it's not anything like it's lovely to say that in order to make a person feel better in a way because they're not feeling like oh I did this or anything but what I don't like is it it takes away all the responsibilities of society and how societies created to traumatize a good portion of people and then they maybe develop this symptom of mental illness and cycle here's your pill because we're not going to fix society and the weird thing to me too is that if people were never educated away from who they truly are and like even trained to go into a profession where they're going to help people we would all be co-creating a completely different world where we wouldn't have people enslaved to help people that weren't able to be enslaved to help people make products or whatever it is it's because we move away from ourselves that we need to create all that hoopla but I could go on and on about that forever and that's not something that's likely to change anytime soon and I would never want to take away anything from anyone that anyone found helpful I have found having a diagnosis helpful because it gave me certain help and I met amazing people along the way and I wouldn't change that but I also feel like it probably could have been avoided or received differently and maybe one day it will be maybe one day people will be asked well what do you think's happening for you and they'll say well this happened and this happened and this happened and all these terrible things happen and now this is where I'm at and a person won't be like well that means you have a mental illness just look at all the stuff that happened and so I've been fortunate because I've been because I have had amazing help and support along the way and it's been from human beings not from pills and programs and since I've been working in the system I've been not doing as well instead of just sort of participating in my community and they had a First Nations elder do a welcoming at the beginning end and his son and they did an amazing job and just some of the stuff they shared well their connection to the land and and some of the things they teach their children I was just thinking to myself look at that culture that's been destroyed by us and they kind of have the medicine we need to reconnect to the land and all those things and when then we have this mental health system that if we understood what the indigenous people understand we wouldn't even need most of this stuff I feel like if I would have been received by a native elder when I was in my crisis five and a half years ago they probably would have told me something different I don't think they would have understood it in terms of psychiatry and with all this mental health and mental illness promotion they're just trying to get everybody to see odd behaviors or distress as something that needs to be dealt with by some kind of professional they talk about their music and their songs and their drums as medicine and as prayer and the person who was the main organizer of the event or main speaker of the event i should say talked about how it needs to be a language of hope and optimism created and i think i might be creating some of that for myself with this self dialogue one of the things I'm sort of seeing lately is that by participating in the system it's a pathologizing system and I'm sort of saying to people while people that have this crisis and have a diagnosis whatever they need unconditional love they need understanding they need somebody to listen they need all these things yet at the same time the fact that people don't do that makes me kind of mad so then if I'm speaking to somebody who or to a system that has a different context than I do in a way I'm not being unconditionally loving and understanding of them so how can I say to them be unconditionally loving towards me when I'm in crisis but the fact that you don't understand me I'm not going to be unconditionally loving towards you so it's this kind of contradiction in a way in and then my brain went to what I talked about before a long time ago about how one day I feel like people like me will be saying to people that are professional and very rigid and consistently it's okay it's okay to come out and play like loosen your tie so I sort of had this thought that one day I'll need to help them or will need to help them and so then I was thinking well I could almost do that now just go into bodying my mania in a way to invite adults to remain childlike or connect with their childlike nature ideally I would love to be able to help children not disconnect from their childlike nature and always be that playful and it's interesting this last week or so when I sort of had a bit of shift in consciousness like a trans consciousness where ego focus is more difficult or focusing on things that I don't want to focus on are not heart centered or not my path perhaps it's deflecting me away from that and then when I'm not focused on that stuff I feel pretty much fine but if I try to go back to that it's almost like it's not letting me and I feel to what happens is I need to become more and more simple and what I'm doing because it's almost like this the self-care or whatever self whatever becomes more narrow but I want to be out and about and I want to be around people so it's almost like I want to be relational and it's almost like it's telling me go out and about be random sit around here do this and that's something that somebody in mania would do is just go around well I'm not feeling and like complete ecstasy or anything like that but it's just interesting how it's not really wanting me to sit at home and work on a little document on the computer and I haven't been on my mini trampoline in the last while because i was a little bit under the weather for the last couple of days i have and when i'm on my trampoline with my trampoline playlist I feel slightly ecstatic so it's not like i'm unable to go into those states it's just that working on a document on my computer puts me in the opposite puts me like anxiety whereas being on my trampoline puts me in that ecstasy and if I think about how manic consciousness is trying to get us to be able to hold X to see if I do things as part of my daily practice if you want to call it that that helped me be more ecstatic it's going to create my body in such a way that I can hold more ecstasy and so I also had this thought that I need to move towards being my artist self and I had this sense when I was in the psych ward in April but then I got away from it because I had some recalibrating to do afterwards but I'm starting to get that sense again and I haven't been put in the psych ward so it's perhaps I need to step into being that artist self that embodied Matt I self or if I do things that are not that or that are in opposition to that it's going to create a state in me where I end up moving towards the psych ward so I kind of have this sense that it's time to move towards my dreams and not because it's like okay it's time on the clock it's like my body is saying no sort of like that Gabor maté a book when the body says no and I haven't really I don't read it even though I have it so it seems like my body is saying no sort of like if I accidentally touch the stove when it's hot my body's going to recoil it's like a reflex and it seems like I'm having this sort of reflex but to life certain things in life whereas other things are fine and part of that sensitivities is having that sensitivity and being sensitive to things that are not right for me looks like I'm gonna have to move go out soon the trucks are just a little bit much and Sean Blackwell says bipolar is I can't be me disorder well I'm starting to feel like I must be me I have to I think that's true for people that go through this trans conscious experience and then connect with their sensitivity they become sensitive to those things that aren't right yeah those are the things that society conditions us to sort of move towards like success and this and that like basically i'm walking away from a career possibly with the health authority if i was able to do well and I get the next position in the next position and and and that sounds cool but if I think about my life and I think about okay if I keep that job I need to spend the next year sitting on this couch looking at my laptop screen where if I choose to be my embodied manic self embodied mania the map the ground I'm going to cover with my feet is going to be vast compared to that I'm going to go to California I'm going to be all over the place and meeting all different people versus couch bed toilet kitchen couch bed toilet kitchen it's like being a rat in a cage and I don't know I just can't do it anymore and I don't want to be saying that to myself all the time I can't do this anymore because it sort of can be extrapolated to feeling like oh I'm talking about ending my life when really it's about ending that path of my life and that could be part of what happens when sometimes I get to the point where I think I need to end my life it's like no I need to end that path in my life and it's interesting how they talk about how we one of the things we value most is staying consistent so sometimes we'll almost like do something that endangers us or ends our life because we're trying to stay consistent and so it seems like I need to be consistently inconsistent or when I get to this place of consistency it will be interpreted as I need to end my life when really I need to end this pattern of consistency because everything is really symbolic like words are symbolic and and language can be interpreted in so many different ways so we can get ourselves into certain situations internally that have nothing to do with the external but maybe are symbolic or messages and I've talked about how there are special messages well one wanting to end one's life is a special message as well it means like do something else get out of here or change something it's a complete desperation and it feels like complete desperation and I've been in that state and that's why I have my zaps trap that you talked about a lexicon of optimistic language would be cool to create a lexicon like an alternative lexicon a lexicon for trans consciousness
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today after I made a couple videos in the morning I went out to starbucks I wanted to go for a walk and sit in the park when I got to the park the whole playground I've been ripped up and there was some kind of big machine digging so I thought oh man now I can't sit in the park so i sat in starbucks and i was editing my videos and I was definitely experiencing some body pain that sometimes happens when I get into those other states of consciousness I had a bunch of strange perceptions as well then I ended up sitting outside and talking to a friend of mine same friend that talked me through my last psych ward experience and talked with me almost every day it was super helpful who talked for over an hour and it was really helpful as well seems we're both a little bit fearful of going down the path of pathology again and so we're both very aware of becoming too stressed out to the point where then we might be perceived as needing to be pathologized and then I finish watching the interview of Katie motormen dr. David Liu cough and he was saying that a lot of his work is around helping people to avoid being pathologized and he was saying how a mystical experience has an overlap with psychotic features and how if a person ends up in the psych ward they're going to be moved towards the psychotic features whereas if somebody manages to avoid the psych ward and and is able to get support in a different way that isn't pathologizing then it might be more of a mystical experience so it seems that whatever paradigm a person is viewed by is sort of what collapses the wave function of what it is that the person ends up being interpreted as so in that way I feel it's important to do everything I can to avoid being pathologized I want to go home I thought to put this on on my wrist and it's a zap strap and sort of reminding me that I can anchor myself somewhere and I won't keep it on all the time but I feel that right now just in the state that I'm in this is almost a reminder that I can keep myself safe and I also thought of it today where it's handy to have that one around like this so then when I find a place I want to keep myself then I just go like this with the actual item and then put in and then I'm stuck to the item whereas if I just have this part like this I might be able to slip my hand out when I actually fasten myself to something so this really keeps me stuck somewhere and this is almost like my version of the semicolon tattoo this is like I want to live I don't want to die and I don't want to be pathologized either so if I can keep myself safe where I am maybe I won't be led to the psych ward I also have my little DNA tangler which gives my hand something to do a little bit and I also found a bunch of crystals that I might carry around so I'm feeling like I need to protect myself as what the theme seems to be and I also have this hat that sometimes I wear it's not very attractive but it has the material the blocks EMF sometimes when I'm feeling super sensitive I feel like I need to protect my brain signals maybe be better to protect my heart and I remember reading one time that what goes wrong with our car is sort of congruent to our life and I remember one time that I left my lights on for like two hours and I came back and my car started I thought I can leave my lights on like I can leave my lights on i can I can light things up in a way and my energy is not going to die and then yesterday my car started and it started really rough and it was shaking when it was idling at the lights and I'm thinking to myself my car is trembling too just like my nervous system is sort of trembling and fearful my car is trembling too at the same time so i need to get my brother to look at my car and I made some more notes when I was editing videos and walking around and I was thinking about what we've been programmed to make salient which is fear and the ego and whatever our dopamine circuits ask for and I'd really like to make laughter more salient and to go with that i found this that i haven't and I really could talk to myself this way if I wanted to but I don't know if I'm going to go there quite yet but dunce I'm talking to flies and coconuts and things like that and it could be enough for now I think part of crisis is to do with breaking off from the relational mind so a person feels isolated and not able to relate to people and I feel like having self dialogue with myself it's good and that it creates this greater context for myself but if I don't start making some of it relational with other people than it also could be isolating that I'm making this meaning for myself by myself with myself which could actually be a bit isolating and if a person breaks off from the relational mind and is isolated it needs to be repaired there through connection and relationship and unconditional love and we're usually reconnected through the paradigm through the lens through the collapsing of the wave function around mental illness and then we're sort of trapped in that paradigm I think we need to fast from dopamine which is what dr. David Hawkins says when he says we need to surrender the juice and dopamine is tied in to have it and anything that makes us less habit will actually make us fast from dopamine because we have to pay attention when we're fully engaged when we're paying attention we don't need dopamine as a reward attention is innately rewarding without thinking this is rewarding and it seems we run more on these molecules of emotion dopamine and its subsidiaries because we're not paying attention an attention is rewarding an attention is energy and we need energy to pay attention and we're wasting the energy by not paying attention and by engaging in these dopamine circuit activities and these other emotions which I feel like they're created by the energy of the nervous system being electricity getting transformed that electricity being used to create the molecules of emotion because we're not paying attention and then those are sort of pleasurable and things but it's sort of like us drugging ourselves to feel like we are really living when we're not we're not fully alive these molecules of emotion are almost maybe supposed to be like temporary coping mechanisms to get us through a tough time to get back to paying attention because we're actually really engaged it's almost like saying it's okay soon you'll be engaged but we never end up getting engaged and we end up living on these molecules of emotion and these molecules of emotion are the different temporary feelings and by having these temporary feelings were not actually existing in these more permanent state of joy happiness and love and I feel like the energy of the nervous system is transformed into words and those words have a mirror of molecules of emotion in the physical body so in the nervous system in the brain in a way on our mind screen we have words and images and then we create the complement to that in our body in the molecules of emotion if we don't have any words and images we don't have any molecules of emotion in the body and if we don't have any words and images we're actually fully paying attention to the moment which doesn't require any molecules of emotion the molecules of emotion are actually what happens in the gap in the mine screen in the gap between our presence our awareness of the present moment and when we move away from the present moment by thinking of something else and oftentimes we do that because we're not liking the present moment so these molecules of emotion are actually a way for us to sort of cope with the fact that we're not liking the present moment and we sort of pacify ourselves until we can get to that place where we like the present moment but most of time we don't move towards that even if we're having to think something pleasurable in order to get through that's showing us even though we're experience pleasure that's showing us we're using our energy in order to cope with the fact we can't pay attention to the moment we can't focus on the moment we can't be engaged with it because it's not right for us so the nervous impulses instead of being utilized for full perception attention in the moment which would be more bits of information that energy is transformed into words in terms of thoughts it's diverted to words instead of continuing to flow to meet the present moment as it is and then because this energy isn't fully meeting the present moment and we're creating these words which are creating these molecules of emotions dopamine and everything in the physical body that's using up our nutrients to make those molecules of emotion not only that what the bleep do we know talks about how when we up regulate our receptors on our cells for emotional molecules we actually are not able to absorb nutrition because we have way more receptors for the molecules of emotion that were addicted to so because we're addicted to these emotions were not actually absorbing proper nutrition and then it would make sense that our health sort of declines from there and that could even be you know a certain emotion is what causes a certain medical problem and just pops into my mind that that's probably what Louise Hay figured out when she developed affirmations to heal certain pathologies and it's interesting that I'm extrapolating this now because I talked about who knows when but I talked about videos and videos ago about how I feel like maybe we don't really need as much nutrition as we think we do and we think we need more nutrition because we think because we have this voice in our head that's creating these molecules of emotion that's making ourselves addicted to these emotion and and and wanting these images it starts to create those images in our mind to get that emotional fix so it creates those images on our mind makes that salient or makes things salient out in reality so will perceive it in order to get our emotional fix of that particular emotion and then that overrides the nutrition uptake in the cell so we need nutrition to make the molecules of motion the nutrition is blocked from getting in the cells because we're creating more receptors for the molecules of emotion which would also take nutrition and we also need to break down and recycle these molecules of emotion which takes nutrition and I feel like if we're able to have new perceptions it's going to be creating new receptors and new molecules of emotion and that's going to require different nutrition or takeaway Nutrition and different way so we could get depleted and dr. Abram Hoffer talked about how a lot of supposed mental illness as a perceptual disorder and it could be that we're not getting the right nutrients for these other perceptions I'm not sure how that works but I'm sure something will come to me how that works this there's some kind of new nutrition that's needed and it could be something to do with the gaps diet could be something to do with ketogenic diet it could be something to do with i'm not sure what kind of diet it could be that these new perceptions these new meanings and new things people see that are maybe out of the ordinary it could be almost deemed hallucination or delusion that perception is the selective pressure to create epigenetic changes or maybe even genetic engineering gene changes to create genes to help a person to be able to perceive that without utilizing all ones nutrients so it could happen for a short period of time and the nutrients get used up but then eventually what might happen is a new gene or something gets created there's another enzyme that maybe recycles some of the nutrition related to that process or or combine some of the nutrition to make those perceptions more stable more mirrored within the physiology of the human being so if something is seen and it's there's no real compliment for it in the body then it could be seen as scary and something other than something we're meant to perceive so I think there could be some that we're needing to create perceiving differently would produce different biomolecules would produce different metabolites and maybe the liver doesn't have an enzyme for those metabolites so maybe an enzyme needs to be sort of created through this perception of the need for it to be created it could also be trying to write over the dopamine circuits so so much of our our nutrition could be going towards the dopamine circuit and all of a sudden that's being withdrawn and it could be sort of a freak out like a withdrawal reaction to the dopamine as well and then we go back to needing that again because all societies design that way so where it's designed to perceive these dopamine reflex things as opposed to perceive these otherworldly things if we could always be having new and mysterious experiences and not get freaked out by them that would actually be quite rewarding it would be like the best video game ever and if we weren't wasting the energy and the molecules of emotion we would have more energy in our nervous system that neural electricity wouldn't be wasted as neuro chemistry when we're not emoting based on the dopamine gauge we are engaged and then our whole body heart mind seeing is the gauge we're not thinking in terms of good bad based on past program thoughts that aren't even our own we're actually perceiving based on how we're sensing our body is reacting in the moment and I think that's part of the thing when we decouple from the ego dopamine programming all of a sudden our body is so sensitive that we could almost turn and run from something that we find fearful and that's sort of not really considered a proper behavior in our society it would be like talk your way out of the situation politely if we had that sense but it would be felt so strongly like get me out of here now and so one would just kind of run and everyone's sort of going about their day doing something that's not quite right for them and so it makes sense that over time a certain number of people will just sort of run away and feel like oh my gosh get me out of this now and the dopamine ego thought voice is abstracting about reality when we're abstracting about reality with creating molecules of emotion because we're abstracting and comparing it to the false me relative to the me relative to the me this makes me feel good relative to the me this makes me feel bad and so we're just always vacillating like that back and forth and we are using our whole nervous system for nervous words four words of fear when the system is supposed to be powerful it's about power it's about our power thinking we are this me this internal structure this feeling inside is like thinking our body is our shadow our bodily shadow is a phenomena of the Sun hitting our body and not going through it and it produces a shadow and our inner sensation of our ego is like the light of consciousness hitting our thoughts and creating this inner shadow that we think is an ego the light of consciousness is always hitting the stream of thoughts and it's creating this this shadow like structure inside that we take to be real perceiving differently creates a different reality and is trying to create the genetic changes for one to hold ecstasy Krishnamurti often says when you see the danger of thought or when you see a danger you pull away like it's a poisonous snake you don't argue you don't sit and think about it it's just a reflex and I feel like that's what's happening lately is that certain things make my body react inside like perhaps I just saw a snake we make ourselves into habits so we can live up in our head creating dopamine rewards while living mediocre lives it's easy to delay action when one is getting micro rewards in terms of dopamine moment to moment instead of living in the moment and responding to the moment instead of reacting to dopamine we want to make habits so we don't have to be present so we can get the presence of dopamine and this is the gap I feel like this is the gap between being in the moment and and not is these emotional rewards and living in the present is a kaleidoscope of sensitivity and the chrysalis of mount consciousness is trying to break the dopamine prison and it feels confusing all these sensations and all this newness which is really what it is to be alive not just sensing a few different emotions the same ones every day the ego perceptual apparatus is myopic otherwise we have a vast expanse of worldcentric consciousness which can take many different perspectives I was thinking about dissociation because I have dissociated a number of times and I'm wondering if i dissociate from the ego or if I'm just associating or trying to associate with something else with with empathy and I want to focus more on the ability shun aspects the empathy the understanding I feel like this transformation is like an inner earthquake an inner storm and even when I'm feeling these sensations that aren't super comfortable I notice that my heart is beating differently it's being stronger it's it's shaking everything inside whereas if I'm in a calm state I don't really feel my heartbeat at all so what kind of is an inner earthquake in a way it's almost like a a sonar in a way to because as I get closer to something that I could run into or that could maybe hurt me in some way it beats faster and stronger just like a sonar the closer you get to it it beeps faster because the sound is bouncing back to you quicker so in that same way i think the heart be like that is a bit of a sonar it's a sensor for sure i wrote that our free will gifted by God has been hijacked do unto others as you would do unto yourself but you have free will and that pretty much means what we do unto others we will do unto ourselves but we generally don't feel it because of this dopamine emotion pleasure reflex so that's blocking our perception of what we're actually doing and that it's also being done to us and when we become sensitive we sense that and so it makes it a little bit more difficult to navigate and it takes a while to find a way to be heart centered because we sense things that we've done or other people have done and things like that it's like experiencing Karma and it might be better to experience karma in this life now versus waiting to next life it's kind of painful to feel oneness in this life because we're one with whatever arises not having all these pleasure and pain responses inside conceptualising about what's arising and completely missing meeting what is actually arising and that delay just adds up over time and that's what probably creates the allostatic load is not being in the moment to meet the moment and then we've when we finally are in the moment to meet the moment all of this stuff comes flying into the moment that we've been dragging around for so long like oh you're in the moment now well let's process all these moments that you missed and all the moments that we master represented in those emotions and in the body and those molecules of emotions and those molecules of emotions imprint probably on our cellular memory with the molecule plus the sound of our voice in her head imprinted on ourselves and then that starts to come out of cellular memory and a rise in consciousness and it's not just our lifetime but previous lifetimes as well as our our relations and her grandparents and everything when i did my talk somebody told me to patent this app strap idea and i was thinking it could have like a panic button it could have like positive affirmations it could have a little baggie for once p RN to take to stay conwell zap strapped it could I could have a GPS locator and a picture of one's favorite person and like fluff or on the inside so one doesn't hurt one's wrist probably pulling on it once one starts to freak out once zap strapped and it's sort of like how not to kill yourself and somebody also suggested having a medical alert bracelet saying no long-term antipsychotics it gives me an a cast reaction since that's what has happened to me being on antipsychotics for greater than a few weeks and I haven't really talked about eye contact but I think I contact is something that's important I read once something about in the light of a loving I so somebody can be looking with like as a mean I and evil eye or looking with a loving I and I think I might have talked about how I've seen people change into their most beautiful light body self right in front of my eyes like one moment they're just like no it's going to take a long time barely make eye contact and then and then all of a sudden they just transform into this like fabulous version of themselves and even though they're working as a cashier in 7-eleven they're just the most flamboyant and beautiful and magnificent lovely energetic being and then elves and proof their back to their tired old self and it was really strange and that's why I think there's like this adjacent reality that we can step into it's like though it's like the reality of light and miracles and magic but none of us believed in magic so we we abide in this material linear logical society because that's the prevailing consciousness but our consciousness can touch into that and it starts to compute in that way but then if our brain is transformed into computing in that way into computing quantumly and holographically and magically and then we come back here it's sort of short circuits because it's like it's like putting an iphone in water it's not the right medium it's too dense and I was talking about how I was talking to an acquaintance friend of mine and we talked for about an hour and then I felt a lot better that anxious energy went away so dose of that person for an hour made it go away and there are studies that positive people without medication is more powerful than negative people with medication and then positive people with some medication is the most powerful in that study so the effects of medication then around negative people would be negated there'd be no point there needs to be positive people and so in a way if I'm on medication but I'm isolating myself and I'm not really around people so much I'm not being relational it's going to make the medication not really very effective because it's not a replacement for people and being relational and and I was thinking how about in the psych ward when I was feeling terrible on that medication and somebody I knew came and visited me for 10 minutes and all of a sudden that I felt way better that was more powerful than the medication the medication wasn't working that person visiting me for 10 minutes worked and then I was in the process of being tapered off that medication it wasn't helping me and it actually made it so I was able to complete that taper off that medication because it wasn't helping me at all but that person gave me that jumpstart jump-started my brain cells and got me connected relationally in order to be able to journey off that medication and I had a good connection with this person so strong connections are more powerful especially when a person comes in has just unconditionally loving and supportive and just there to visit and say hi if somebody comes in and there's a strong connection they come in worried and with that sort of I it's not going to help it's going to be detrimental and the relational meshwork of a person is like an invisible spider web and it's strengthens the person that helps with the reconnecting as well
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so usually we have to be in that fear state a fighter flight or freeze in order to have that heightened awareness of being ready to act without thinking and so it's a higher energy state because the ego has been disabled temporarily and our senses are heightened and it seems like that's full attention and we are called to pay full attention to this moment whereas normally we're not fully paying attention to this moment we're sort of thinking about something else so baiting something else so it's really that attention in the moment that gives us access to that more energy and more able to perceive and I feel that's part of why I can process things holistically a lot of times is because I'm really paying attention i'm not thinking about other stuff and if i was to take a medication it would stop that energy it sort of de energizes that process i wonder i wondered before if antipsychotics partially work by making a person gain weight i gained 50 pounds in two months so gaining weight would make one bigger heavier change one's posture to sort of come down lower as opposed to say going into like a higher energy state of psychosis so it could also be to do with gravity because they don't really understand how it works anyway so it's this laziness of perception this inattention that causes us to form habits because we have to make ourselves into sort of these programmed habits so we can be up in our heads thinking about stuff but if we're actually attentive in the moment we just see an act it's sort of like thinking about how if I wake up in the morning I get up and I have breakfast I don't say okay now I have to go to the bowl and put the cereal in blah blah blah blah blah maybe some people do that but my mind doesn't say anything it's just a knowing ness and then acting that that's what I go and do whereas most people would probably think okay well now it was time I think I should get up now now it was time for breakfast we think that because that's going on that actually is what makes us get up and go but it's just sort of like abstracting and commentary so this commentary in our own voice is what weakens us cuz usually we're saying things that will weaken us and I was thinking about how more information being processed might be felt as fear because normally that's the reflex if we're processing more information we're in fight or flight that's the usual way so I'm almost sensing with my job thing that when I look at that document that's like I sense all the implications and processing more information and it gives me a sensation of so-called anxiety and we don't know how to process more information we don't necessarily know where the information is coming from and I'm wondering if that's why Krishnamurti says we must be free of fear because we're in this attentive state it could be interpreted as fear because we're being attentive and so we must be attentive without fear instead of attentive because we're in the state of fear to really be attentive I thought of a quote if I'm not living according to my heart I'm going to need medication for my brain and I was thinking in terms of the reflex of psychological crisis or distress or psychosis where a person sort of goes around doing all this different behavior for a certain period of time and it's almost like gesturing out that and that's hopefully so people notice but it's also a release of energy because we're in MO it's almost like dissipating the heat and I've experienced a couple of times when I'm coming to the end of the process and I'm in a lot of fear I'm also freezing cold and it's almost like all that energy has been dissipated and now I'm freezing and often I've felt like a homeless person at that point too because I imagine that they're freezing cold and shaking on the street and so we exercise to release toxins but the universe exercises us through this behavioral gestural process to sort of get people to notice that something is happening that's not good and it's not supposed to just signal that it's not good with a person the fact that so many people are having this happen means something collectively is going on so they're finding a lot of bees dead all of a sudden bees are dead everywhere and they don't say well this B has this disease and this B has this disease when this be over here has this other disease it's all dis ease and the bees are all dead and that's happening to us to it's a collective human thing the universe is dissipating energy through that process and it makes sense we're not moving we're not behaving as humans are designed to behave so certain people get funneled into behaving in ways that actually could harm oneself but really the person is signaling to the group that something greater is going on so they're sort of like how I read in the book by Timothy Leary when he was talking about brain casts and how there's certain rules for humans just like in a flock of birds one will be the one that calls when there's danger so the one that calls when there's danger is risking its own good because there's a higher chance that the danger is going to get the bird that called so so they talk about just the selfish gene and individuality isn't really true well I think people that go into these crises are signaling to the greater humanity that something is going on and and then people just think that the people that are signaling this are the ones with the problem but it would be like it would be like the flock of birds giving the bird that signal danger a pill so it would stop tweeting and signaling danger and then all the birds are sitting ducks this process is initiated by the universe by some force or some circumstances how do we know it won't get to a critical mass where everybody goes into psychosis spontaneously at the same time and I was thinking about oxytocin and how when there's an oxytocin response both people get the benefits because both people laugh and both people bond and then the gesture creates the oxytocin which is the reward the laughter the behavior of laughter where's dopamine a lot of times is about taking power over another person and making them feel weak and then we feel strong because we made somebody feel weak and I think laughter would be a measure of health worth measuring and every day is judgment day as we're judged by our own voice when we judge we're actually judging ourselves we're creating that as our nervous system energy and it's weakening us I heard somebody the other day say voting with their feet meaning not going to something or going to something which is voting with one's feet I thought I was quite cute and I think it sort of ties into people going to mental health centers is voting with their feet that that's what's going to help them which is necessary at this time and then people that in their life are in a way voting with their feet refusing to move I was thinking about how our inner monologue is sort of like streaming and we're streaming those memes we're streaming I was talking about how it seems I can only do what the universe wants me to do and I remember this time the very first time I went into crisis I was in that state for about two months and I was driving and for some reason I was afraid to go through this tunnel to go back to where I lived and so I ended up driving around and each time I turned I was like no no no and I was just so afraid now is I pretty much driving in circles and all over the place trying to figure out where can I turn because everywhere that I turned I felt terrified and averted from that and diverted from that path and I feel like sometimes that's when I get steered into thinking that I need to end my life it's like I'm rushing towards the means to end my life and I'm desperately trying to steer off that path of ending my life and that's why I have this app strap with me in case that happens it just seems like getting program towards moving towards that and and it's terrifying whereas on the opposite end of the scale one feels totally free not limited I wonder if that's the process of the ego coming back in a way because it's the one that is limiting us and so it's like trying to not go toward that and sometimes I felt like I need to end my life in order to not go back to that and then usually it's going into the hospital that that saves me from that one of antipsychotics is like a good band aid in a way that it mediates the merger back from map consciousness and trans consciousness to ego consciousness sort of like a buffer feel like world centricity and wheeze and relationship dissipates allostatic load the allostatic load could be the weakness of the nervous system which means we need more cortisol to sort of hold us up more stress and so when we are in contact with other nervous systems and they're witnessing and perceiving us some of that energy is dissipated and the power of their perception attention their nervous system there their higher energy gives our nervous system strength to raise our level of consciousness to be able to move on I also realize that if I'm wanting to design random acts of kindness and spontaneous social behaviors and positive social contagion into my life I can just hang around children because it's a good excuse to be that way it's a safe way to be that way it's safe to be childlike around children I talked about in a different video how I don't think I was sensitive as a child and then interestingly enough hours later it popped into my mind how when I was really young when time I was crossing the road with my sister to go to school and her lunch kit opened in the apple fell out and rolled down the hill and I remember being like all freed out and I had to run home with her to say to my mom that the apple dropped and I felt really bad that the apple dropped because my mom had lovingly put it in there I remember having that sensation so strong like my mom put the Apple in there and you know she did that I have an act of love and I was probably like seven pretty young and so I had that strong sensation and it was hard for me to shake that and I remember almost feeling like how am I going to get through life if I feel this strongly and and I remember at one point feeling desensitized to feel other people's feelings and I don't know how it happened but I felt relieved but i think i was over desensitized to other people's feelings and and that could be part of it is that is personally relieving in a way to not be sensitive to others it can be painful to be sensitive so a lot of times we try to make ourselves desensitize to that may be one way to do that is to fill ourselves with the thoughts of our own problems so we're not thinking about others and then we're always trying to fix all our little problems and we're not thinking about things on a more global scale I feel like the ego is a form of sleepwalking and this transformative consciousness wakes us up and then we can see patterns beyond our personal ego and I was thinking a moods can be painful or cause pain and how I feel like moods could almost be a sign that we're extrapolating more we're reading more patterns than only our own because oftentimes a mood is like an over emotional ization to something so if it's over emotional ization then maybe we're sensing more things which is making it seem over emotional but we're sensing more so it's not necessarily over emotion we're just sensing more but those that would judge the over emotionalism cannot sense that which the one is sensing and moods could be a different barometer than are challenging us to disrupt the social fabric and we don't use it in this way properly we don't see it as this is more information that we're processing than just the ego-self we've all been trained to be ego self processors so everything that one is experiencing is always assumed to be the ego self and the person's fault so to only adjust back to consensus and manage is missing the point because we're sensing more so there's more responsibility to act on things when your compass isn't a dopamine ego voice then you have a mood disorder we make everything about the ego it's sort of the ego that is pathologized as like well you're not well your egos not well but what is well is sensing so many other things it's a completely rich thing when the ego breaks or it might not even break as much as just more information is coming in from other dimensions and we're assessing that so when we're processing all of that we're see being perceived as behaving as a different ego as dysfunctional or non-functional or different or not consistent when really we're processing information differently what we are is so much greater than an ego and we get in touch with that we're seeing as non functional and dysfunctional and disordered and pathologized we've been tricked into thinking that we are an ego so we've been processing that way for so long we forget how to process naturally as human beings and then when we reconnect with that because the egos of false structure can't go on forever it could go on forever till death do you part it's a different compass through which to move your center of gravity around leave these body-mind feelings egos spirits and as a matter of what we want to tune into we can tune into the ego game where we can tune into a different game and create a new game
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I'm in the middle of watching a video it's an interview of dr. David Luca and Katie motrin on Katie motrins emerging proud blog website that she's doing and listen to 20 minutes and he's sharing his story about his spiritual awakening basically that could have been interpreted as pathology as psychosis as schizophrenia and is really interesting because he talks about how he dropped everything to sort of travel around North America hitchhiking in the 70s took LSD and then had sort of a spiritual awakening experience days later that went on for two months and he talked about how during the two months he just sort of crashed with friends and and nobody pathologized him you didn't end up in the psych ward and after the two months he went to live in a cabin that his parents had that was just a summer cabin so nobody was around and they let him live there they gave him permission to live there and he lived there for a while and then he seemed to have some some scary experiences but he was there by himself and he got through it and again he was never pathologized and that just makes me think of how after my two month experience I was seeing my parents take me somewhere quiet I need to go somewhere quiet so I knew that I needed that same thing but there was no required for me to go except for the panic room in the psych ward and and so he was able to heal there and then he said he heard a voice that said be a healer and so he didn't really know what that meant so he went to go live with his parents in his late 20s and and they paid for him to take things like yoga different psychology things and just a bunch of different classes like that because he was exploring being healer again they never pathologize him they never said he dropped out of Harvard they never said why don't you go get a job they let him explore and then after about six months of all that he realized he wanted to become psychologist so we did go back to school so was a long way around to go back to school but he ended up finding what it was he was passionate about and going back to school with that and to me it's exactly what needs to happen for people and I've even told this to some family groups that I've shared with when a person's going through a crisis it's even more important to just be unconditionally loving and let that person explore what they need to explore because as Sean Blackwell said bipolar disorder can also be called I can't be me disorder so it's really important for a person to feel like they can start to explore and rediscover who they are and what they really wanted to do and what they're all about and so he luckily had parents with the means to do that and the understanding because some parents with the means wouldn't necessarily understand and so he fully got through everything without ever being pathologized and I think that's more of a miracle then how it usually is for people usually people somebody pathologize as them and leads them into the psych ward or something like that and that's what happened to me I'm it's interesting because today I'm supposed to be working but I I can't really focus on work and yesterday I made some videos in the morning then I went bowling then I came back home and I'm like okay I'm going to get some work done because I there was a few things I needed to do and I opened up the document on my computer and nothing scary but Allison I had a pretty bad amount of so-called anxiety and so I tried to work on it for a little bit and I closed it I'm like wow this is brutal and so I just started editing my videos and within a little while that sensation went away and it didn't return so I'm thinking about this whole applied kinesiology thing and muscle testing you know I could say to myself oh should I continue with this job yes or no yes or no man push my arm which doesn't work for me anyways anymore because I could think of the job and it would make me weak if i push on my arm but it's strong like nothing makes my nervous system week so what I'm feeling like is that this map consciousness or this trans consciousness experience when it starts happening our whole body is responding in an applied kinesiology chol way meaning if I'm looking at the document that is along the path of what it is that I'm actually reacting to and recoiling from it's almost like the energy is no longer flowing so I'm looking at it the energy is no longer flowing it's starting to to bubble in my internal area and so that is the applied kinesiology not me thinking about the job and pushing my arm or doing this or whatever it's just I'm having an allergic reaction to it and aversion to it it's almost like the universe is saying go no further and it's really it's kind of strange and I don't really know if that's true but that's the main time that I've had anxiety is related to my my job and I don't know I think it's just time to quit while I'm ahead because I usually wait until i fall apart before I quit and I've already fallen apart three times and I'd rather not fall apart the fourth time so I took the week off and I feel bad because I feel like I want to be able to do that job but feels like the universe isn't letting me go any further and it might actually be time for me to focus on becoming a healer myself I remember looking at palm reading stuff years ago and if you have this sort of hash mark on your finger just below your ring finger on your right hand or your dominant hand maybe that means you're a healer it's the mark of the healer and I have that mark so I've always had this sense that i could become a healer and and perhaps a lot of this self dialogue is helping to heal myself and it's interesting because on the scale of consciousness the lower levels of consciousness our shame guilt and shame is when it shames the worst I think and so yesterday i was having sort of like guilty feelings and I really recognized it and I was like wow my consciousness is started going to that place I'm not getting I'm not getting taken over by it and then having one guilty thought after another after another but there was some guilty thoughts and that's usually when I'll have some thoughts and feelings in that way is when I'm in map consciousness or that altered state of consciousness and then today this morning it was very subtle but I had some shame thoughts and so that's arising in my consciousness as this shame and it was very subtle it wasn't anything major that's the type of thing that can spiral one shameful thought leads to another shameful thought leads to another and then all of a sudden I'm not just having a thought of shame but I'm in the state of shame and when I'm in the state of shame i could start i remember last time i was acting very distressed I was like threatening suicide so if I let that spiral I might all of a sudden feel suicidal because that's one of the things that would lead me to feel that way and so again I'm thinking oh my gosh like do I really want to risk my wellness on this I don't think it's worth it and dr. David Luke I've talked about how he wrote this religious book he was trying to create a religion that United east and west he felt like I was he was a reincarnation of buda and christ and and i was thinking about how oftentimes these experiences make us feel like we need to save the world it's an inner journey it's an inner hero's journey as Joseph Campbell said and then we feel like we need to save others too but really I was thinking about when he was talking about how he wanted to create a religion unless somebody experiences it for themselves then it's just belief so what I was thinking was how it's like a religious experience it's a spiritual transformation but it makes one a religious Center not a religion which is which is abstracting about the experience one had but to be religious just like I was talking about how we can be a Dream Center where we can be safe space we can be a religious Center without creating religion to believe in because then its of no value and he talked about how he's aware of his spiritual awakening and he's also aware that it probably would have been interpreted as schizophrenia or an episode of short-term psychosis or something like that so he has that dual awareness and I feel I have that awareness to I am aware that most people would have view me with a pathological lens but then there's people that would view it as something else and I view it as that something else from inside out an outside in and he talked about how his crisis felt like an existential crisis he felt like he was just being moved towards how he was programmed to be and not who he really was and I think that's such a huge part of it for so many of us and that's why I feel like it's a hyper meaning state it's starting to find meaning in other things which may be those are the meaningful things and the things that we thought were meaningful are not meaningful and that's why we sort of detach from them and we're actually moving towards what's meaningful and he also mentioned how he encountered a lot of different people on his journey and think about the people I'll encounter in the mental health system versus if I take a different journey and not that those people are bad it's just a pathological lens that they're taking I was thinking about ecp are and i called it neighborhood watch but it's also sort of neighborhood listen instead of neighborhood watch or maybe neighborhood witness to witness someone's process and I was thinking too about how with the ego death and the spiritual awakening we need a larger map because the ego compass keeps us in a certain area of the map and when that breaks down we now are going to be venturing into the outskirts of the map that we have not yet mapped which are the unknown and they can be a little bit scary and they might be difficult to process because they might mean different things than the the meaning that the ego would ascribe to those things and I feel like the meaning maker is something to do with the collective and seeing the social fabric because it's the ego that divides all of that up I'm wondering if this context i'm creating with myself is making my nervous system strong because lower energy words and ideas and thoughts make our nervous system weak they weaken us so by creating this context and using language that I choose it's going to make my nervous system stronger and I hope other people might do the same for themselves and I was thinking about dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness and how below 200 is the level of force and makes us go weak and above 200 is the level of power or integrity and makes us go strong and I was thinking about it could be that for me working in the mental health system the system makes me kind of angry so it's making me weak it's making me operate in a level of consciousness that is below the line of power and so I would feel sort of angry and that would make me go weak and so it's not actually making my nervous system strong and maybe part of it is that if our nervous system gets weekend our body now has to make the biomolecules to make up for that loss in energy so the nervous system has the energy channeling through it makes us go weak now we have to make up biomolecules in order to hold us up in order to it takes up our nutrition to make up for that loss of nervous energy and I think too it also secretes cortisol which artificially makes us stronger to hold ourselves up a bit more so the stress is actually part of the tension that we have in our muscles to hold ourselves up because our nerves aren't fully energized and I think that makes a lot of sense actually and that could be related to how these lower States weaken us and waste our energy and it could be partly how as a person is going lower and lower on the levels of consciousness when one is completing the entire map spectrum it uses a lot of one's nutrients and strength to get through that and actually I'm thinking too that that could be one of the ways that gravity feels heavier is that our body so weak from wasting all the nutrients from being so weak from being in those lower levels of consciousness and I'm thinking of myself to so many people say who are for example homeless they start to adopt that posture of crouching on the side of the street it could be partly because they're in that space of shame and they can barely stand up under the pressure of gravity I would think that a lot of people who are homeless are in the state of shame and it's very difficult to to overcome the force of gravity and that could be related to how I wrote down yesterday that there's the force of gravity and the field of consciousness because i was thinking gravity is a field it's the field of gravity then i was thinking while consciousness is a field too so the field of consciousness must interact with the field of gravity somehow and i think that's how it's related in a way is related in terms of dr. David Hawkins spectrum and scale of consciousness so a person in the shame consciousness it's when the lowest levels of consciousness art is affected way more by gravity and then there in that posture and so it's related to each other and then a person above 200 would be in a different posture and able to withstand the force of gravity and if a person sat in a shameful posture long enough they would probably feel shameful so it's not like I would go in that posture and you immediately feel shameful but I think that's one of the ways that gravity almost forces us into that place I think there is a there's a relationship between that because how one is holding themselves in the field of gravity affects one state of consciousness and we don't generally sense this there could be some variables about how we sense this so a person could actually be in this data shame and crouching down and that is gravity position and gravity and gesture of the body the overall posture of the body being congruent with the consciousness whereas somebody can be in a state of shame yet managed to be sort of in this proud posture so the postures not congruent with how one feels inside but they're managing somehow and then there could be a person who I feel like sometimes with map consciousness when I'm in that fluid state if I crouch down all of a sudden I feel ashamed so it's correlated to that whereas I'm not necessarily and then I stand up and I don't feel that anymore or I crouch down and I feel like a homeless person crouching down but I'm just me but it's this whole interplay between gravity and consciousness so there's something about gravity consciousness light and sound it's all this movement and so we can affect ourselves with our sound with our how we hold our body in space I feel it's related to how our body is actually an instrument our voice it vibrates or a whole body it's not just about our lips or voice box it's about the whole shape of our body that creates our voice and we could be given the greatest speech ever but if we're crouched over it's not going to have the same effect as if we're upright so how we hold ourselves is actually really important and recently I've been purposely not being mindful of my posture when I'm sitting on the couch or something I'm just kind of like or whatever and part of why I was not being mindful was because I realized I was sort of in a state where I was doing really well so I didn't want to get into a place where I was flying too high so I was sort of adjusting myself but now that I'm starting to get it into those states or these have a few thoughts come up that is trying to get me into that state of shame or guilt I have to be very conscious and cautious of my posture because I remember sharing that one time I was in the hospital and I felt I was crouching and I felt worse and i was on a medication i didn't want to be on so i purposely had more pronounced posture to block gravity being congruent with my state of consciousness so it doesn't mean it made all the shame and things go away but at least gravity wasn't being congruent I think that's part of what amplifies that is if we if we are congruent with that and I talked I think about what power poses before I watched a TED talk on that and to me that's just making up for how we normally are in ego consciousness where we have this voice in our head talking about judgement talking about anger talking about jealousy talking about all those things and those are actually below the level of 200 which weaken our nervous system and then we have to make these molecules and biochemicals to sort of strengthen us and hold us up which probably creates like internal scar tissue and things and and warps the mile fashion then we need something like roll thing to fix that but the power poses is just changing one posture changing how the body is held by gravity changing the gesture so they talk about putting your feet up on a desk in one like this and do that for five minutes then you'll feel so much better well crouch down like a homeless person and you'll feel worse it's the same thing and so sometimes when I'm in that state of map consciousness of trans consciousness when I crouch down my body seems to make bodily associations and extrapolations not just may be shameful thoughts because I'm in a shameful posture but I feel like an actual homeless person it's extrapolating to the people who take those postures and and what they might feel like and how awful it is and how painful and I also wrote down how this reflex of psychosis I talked about the reflex of shaking one's hand when when burns ones hand and how not only does it sort of dissipate the energy the pain heat it also signals to other people that we just hurt ourselves and so they'll come and run to us and so I feel like actually that the supposed symptoms of psychosis or mental illness of say hearing voices or wandering down the street or or crossing the street and not looking both ways or dangerous behaviors or odd behaviors are just the equivalent of ouch I'm in pain I need somebody to help me and and I think that that mechanism is an actual sign not of personal illness but look how many people that's happening to look how many people are burning inside and in so much pain that they just start acting in ways that might end their life and then we take it seriously because it's so dangerous but what it really calls for is love patience understanding time listening it's I think also mechanism not just for the person that's in the pain but also people will come say 10 people are needed to get this person back into some kind of ability to be able to function or cope again and so in a way that one person helps men social fabric because otherwise we would just turn away and there would be no connection there would be no empathy there would be no care but I still feel like just creating personal medical problem and giving chemical band-aids is not the answer it calls for so much more love just like children being born on the autism spectrum call for so much more love they need love they need understanding they need patience all these things that a person going through a supposed mental health crisis need and so because people are behaving in strange ways that is a symptom of something deeper of disconnection of lack of love and so a person needs connection and love not just being connected to chemicals and if we break our physical structure their surgery to put us back together but when our ego breaks we try to put it back together with chemical band-aids when what really mens the internal realm the psyche is love and understanding this chemical Eagle band-aid is like trying to put a bandaid on our shadow trying to give surgery to our shadow it's not really going to do anything it might make us forget we have a shadow that's like if somebody breaks their arms in their legs just giving them a pill for the pain but not actually repairing the damage and the damage it can only be repaired by love and relationship and social connection a lot has been done in the world to help create it to be more accessible for people with disabilities in physical movement for example or developmental disabilities in terms of however that works when somebody's born that way and it seems like there's another class coming in of this kind of consideration needing to be taken for people which is a different ability in consciousness and this is sort of related to people that go through the transformation after having an ego structure formed through map consciousness and trans consciousness as so called mental illness or mental health crisis and then the children that are being born with different with a different lens of consciousness with a different spectrum of what they make salient and so I think it's designed so much for one type of human being to succeed to supposedly succeed and the rest are suppressed and so not only is their developmental disabilities which is probably a different kind of intelligence will never understand and actually think they're kind of like the frequency holders and and physical disability either congenital or acquired in life and it's the same with this difference in consciousness has to be understood and the world needs to be created in a different way that allows for people with different consciousness as different ways of perception to flourish not just survive but but flourish and so that would be including them in part of the redesign and I'm thinking that our ego lens perception allows us to make salient a certain amount of information and these children are being born with a different lens they make different information salient different information is more prevalent for them and it impresses upon them differently than us and so there are going to be unfolding differently and creating a different world with their perceptual needs and I think we have to go beyond just what they need to experiment with what they might need that we don't even know they need and they don't know they need either just like years ago people with serious mental illness diagnosis or thought they needed to be caged up and then now people are allowed to be in the community but on meds and with different other resources and maybe one day people won't be on meds will be allowed to transform and take a different role and function as a different intelligence in society because that is being squashed because it's not understood because people behave differently because they're going through this transformation and they're not allowed to transform there's few very few people that managed to transform without being pathologized and I don't think it's like a transformation then it stops it could be but and in the same way these young children will be transforming and they transform early oftentimes they're on a supposed normal regular trajectory of development and then they hit two years old or something and all of a sudden they start to appear to lose connection and go south and I think part of it is that that's when this language learning gets revved up and turned on and it fails to start for possible reasons I talked about before and it's interesting they don't acquire our language very easily but they start to speak a different language or experience a different language or they are a different language they have different gestures they do different things they play in a different way than children that develop with words so they're registering reality just by virtue of being alive I think this delay of language is trying to give this other consciousness with this other element this other aspect of consciousness chance to take hold which could be sort of the background in which the words arise and the background is more important than the words and I was thinking about how in fight-or-flight we have access to more bits of information we also have access to more bits in manic consciousness so if I have access to say 21 bits as opposed to 4 i'm going to be able to see which out of the 21 is more salient and go that way in a way i can see everything that same time holistically and then i move based on that holistic perception which is kind of like collapsing the wave functions i'm wondering if they're sort of like 16 bits because that has something to do with the quantum computation and so there's more degrees of freedom and it feels like a rich experience
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I just ate a bit of lunch and I was thinking about synesthesia where the brain gives the sensation that isn't correct for example someone might be eating a carrot and it tastes like cotton candy and I have this sense that synesthesia has something to do with the fact that we're all one consciousness so sometimes we have that sort of experience that's not congruent and I was thinking about how when I've had an experience called dissociation in the past I feel like I'm homeless man and I was thinking that that's actually in a way related to synesthesia it's like experiencing a different consciousness as my own not just thinking I'm eating cotton candy when I'm eating a carrot it's actually feeling like I am somebody else while I am me and I don't know if that's because I'm quantumly entangled with a homeless man or or something to do with holographic consciousness sometimes I feel like a very conscious person whatever that means it might mean higher on the scale of consciousness by dr. David Hawkins he talks about how one person at a certain level balances out 10,000 at a certain level below and in a way I think we're almost like additive in a way so say there's 10 people of 10 consciousness that equals to one person at a thousand consciousness just in this example in a way in a way those 10 people are that one person at the higher consciousness it's almost like if we're thinking about it in terms of just additive consciousness and not in terms of bodies those ten consciousnesses that add up to make that one consciousness in effect are equal so it's like one person sometimes I feel like that's partly how this quantum entanglement or holographic consciousness akathisia a reaction dissociation happens in that if the one consciousness at a thousand or whatever divides in a way then it sort of feels like it's somebody else because there is somebody else at that level so when the consciousness goes to that level it can almost have an a ksiva reaction equated with that consciousness as opposed to the higher level of consciousness it could also have something to do with being called to do something in particular like I feel called to help homeless people and then when I go into that state of consciousness I feel like I am homeless and maybe that's why I feel called to help them so it could be giving me a clue it could be an actual happening could be a kiss it could be synesthesia I think i mighta just said akathisia which is different so synesthesia to me shows that consciousness is holographic and it's also non-local so that would mean that our consciousness how it is now is affecting the whole it has an effect on the whole it could be partly to if a consciousness experiences being a homeless person that's going to give that consciousness more empathy for that situation for that experience in humanity so one will be more understanding and empathetic and then not be judgmental and all that energy that goes along with that so there's a lot of different levels I can see there I was also thinking that I might be having an akathisia reaction to this job I've had akathisia before when I'm put on long-term antipsychotics and feel sort of the same I wrote down that we choose things that won't satisfy us and are not right for us because of marketing so marketing changes our focus and our attention on to something else because we've been programmed that way so normal life is like this grand marketing scheme to keep us away from our natural innate flowering that would be an unfolding and we would be satisfied because we would be who we are not searching for something else and I think whatever we're searching for will find but we've been programmed into searching for the wrong things and more on the algorithm of synchronicity which is something I will be exploring for sure it has something to do with the present moment and with not seeking and it's sort of a movement of the present moment as eternity whereas thought is sort of a movement of the brain cells which tries to give some sort of representation of what's going on but it's not quite that it's a movement away from actuality in a way it's sort of like a reflex away from what's actually right now and and the ego was like a muscle spasm that doesn't actually contribute to forward propulsion to the movement forward I was thinking about how this self dialogue process is kind of like sweating when we exercise and what I mean by that is when we exercise we sweat and that helps to eliminate toxins and in a way when we do this self dialogue process it's sort of like a sweating we release missed through our mouth and the mystery is revealed and that energy goes out with the water partly as well as the energy just like the energy of physical movement creates the sweat which releases the toxins the energy of the movement of one's voice and dialogue and moving that energy through the body releases whatever toxins that need to be released through the voice through the lungs sweating and the algorithm of the ego voice talking to itself and loops is tied into the dopamine reflex so that algorithm is a program that will get us addicted to the dopamine reflex which is the ego which is programming which is a false structure so we're lost in egocentric nests which is since the voice is going in a loop it creates this Center it creates this structure through which the voice circles around in a way and it makes it feel like this me and then this me needs pleasures so it goes to this thought and this thought and this thought this thought and it's constantly enclosing itself in this radius and I don't feel we would need to be supported in recovery from mental illness if we were never pushed away from our original childlike trajectory of who we were born as and I think this trans consciousness experience as well as other experiences of consciousness are actually immunity to being turned into artificial intelligent bio robots and it seems we by reality with what we pay attention to and it's not just pay attention as in focus its pay with our attention instead of paying with our attention can we create with our intention and attention and I think in map consciousness the transformation moves us towards quantum computation because dopamine is a linear computation reflex between good bad positive negative and when one gets beyond that duality there is a much more rich experience there's a different algorithm and I wrote down that action in the moment heals the implications meaning if a person see something and all of its implications in the extrapolation and then actually acts it sort of heels that in the moment plus all of the implications of that that one saw it's really interesting and mania is a word for a bunch of fun cool different new stuff happening and I wonder if we can just do that do find new different cool stuff and do we need that energy in order to do that we didn't we were young realize about Tom Wooten's bipolar in order how he teaches us to find the value in depression which is a way of saying take the good and bad out of it take the right and wrong take the pleasure take the dopamine out of it in that we think well this doesn't feel good so it's bad but doesn't necessarily mean it's bad just because it doesn't feel good could have something to do with dopamine withdrawal depression might and we might need to decouple from that before we get reattached to the other reward system which isn't tied to dopamine and the personal gains and personal pleasures it's tied to oxytocin and the the gain of the whole the gain of we and I think that's important and that's tied into altruism and it's the natural reward and oppression is also showing that the ego compass of dopamine isn't it it doesn't lead us to sustained happiness with life it's more and more isolating which actually leads us to be less and less happy so it's also showing that we've gone too far down that road and laughter is a different reward system that gives us oxytocin as well I actually thought of an idea for an app or something tied into the Apple watch or something if they could actually measure how much we laugh in a day apparently a 40 year old laughs four times laughter is very healing and it's very good for the body so it could actually be a measure of health to measure how much one laughs in one day I was also thinking that it's probably one of the reasons why farts sound so funny is because they make us laugh I think farting might actually be more to do with social bonding than anything else it gets rid of gas in the body too but evolution could have made it silent it could have made it never make a funny sound because it would make sense that it stays silent because if we think about back to predatory days if somebody farted then they might get eaten by a lion or something but the social benefits actually outweighed the costs of getting caught by Tiger just to make a really funny sound on purpose and laugh about it and also like why is it so funny to see somebody get so offended by smelly fart so some people let smelly ones out on purpose just to see somebody react and then that is funny even if it doesn't make a sound so I think the bacteria in our guts are on our side when it creates that and we notice motion and contrast and dopamine is our main motion and contrast of like dislike good bad yes no and that's very binary and it misses everything else because it's always judging and relating to whether it likes or dislikes something which gives somebody dopamine so this ego judging process and processing everything according to itself and what it thinks is the dopamine reflex it's like these thoughts are just dopamine yes yay no oh yes and that's all it is all day long just getting dopamine and we seem to use our ego voice in our own head to block us from gesturing and receiving gestures and what I mean by that is if we're talking and rationalizing in our mind we we block ourselves from say reaching out to touch someone's shoulder or smiling because we're thinking and and all of this thinking in our voice that prevents these gestures these natural gestures that we have makes us more rigid into this conforming version of ourself as someone who never reaches out to touch someone's arm or won't even give someone a handshake or whatever it is so our voice makes us more consistent as our ego self and blocks gestures and blocks our degrees of freedom and it blocks us from looking to gesture which activates other people's mirror neurons which causes bonding and oxytocin we're so busy judging that we're not gesturing and in school we're trained to be rewarded for remembering so I think this has been internalized in the ego process and that we're always remembering recalling old memories and we're getting a reward dopamine so we've mirrored that on the inside so we mistake remembering for intelligence so then we have this ego always remembering things and the ego thinks it's this intelligent entity and the EPI gestures of the universe in manic consciousness come into seed new neural pathways and neural realities and I think language has replaced unconditional love because languages judgmental it's judging all the time and so children that develop supposedly normally they they get words early on and then they're looking to words to judge whether they're loved in a way and then so words replace unconditional love and that's the process we've used but that doesn't work with children on the autism spectrum they need unconditional love a lot longer because it can't be replaced it can't be contingent on the words seems that learning creates DNA and maybe that's how organisms evolved they learned by perceiving something they learned what it is they need to create a mirror of what it is they perceived and the mirror isn't exactly what they perceive but it's the compliment in terms of the interface of whatever organism that is so in a way the organism shapes the environment the environment shapes the organism perception creates DNA the need for something creates DNA it creates that something so through trans consciousness the body the whole organism becomes the compass instead of the ego I've had all sorts of interesting experiences when I go into that other consciousness and one of them was I was working at a farmers market and there was a vegetable vendor there who I known for probably two years or three years three different seasons of farmers markets and he came up to me he SAT me down and he said to me don't have any children because of the autism or something is what he said and he might have told me about somebody he knew with autism or something but it was just strange it was out of nowhere he's never SAT me down and talked to me in that way in four or five years except for that one time and I was in a different state of consciousness I was more on the ecstatic extraordinary side of things and the person that I worked with at the farmers market was like what was that all about and so I told her and she's like that is just bizarre this is not like he said old you have children or whatever he didn't ask he's never asked and this man he doesn't speak English very well he's different ethnicity he had no reason to just set me down like that and say that and to me it's sort of like in those other states of consciousness sometimes other people are turned into messengers and they're sitting down saying it not as themselves it's like almost like they went into that other state of consciousness and because they have a relationship like I have a relationship with this person I I like this person maybe I'll listen to that person so it's kind of bizarre and I've had more experiences like that than just that one and so when that happened I could think what does this person know me or why are they saying that but I'm just like wow that was an experience of sort of messenger consciousness I'm not sure why it happened that way but so I guess I'm not really supposed to have children and it seems like in that first experience everyone was a messenger whether I knew them or not they were giving me messages all the time and it became a little bit much I wrote this long thing on something to do with burning my hand when I was straightening my hair and I really I don't even remember if I talked about this already that's the trouble if I don't owe an order of stuff I wrote down like did I talk about this or did I just write this I have no idea I don't know maybe I'll just read it because it's a bit long and I want to finish this video before I go bowling I just extrapolated that when I was straightening my hair and burnt my hand on my hot hair I immediately shook my hand it was a way to disperse the concentrated heat waving my hand might be to cool it down we also shake our hand if we bump it on something or get a paper cut is this a way to dissipate the pattern of pain a reflex it is a behavior that is not necessarily logical its biological do we also shake our hand so that people will notice we've been injured or hurt by way of that gesture so if I shake my hand somebody might look over and be like oh are you okay whereas if I don't even move then maybe people won't notice i extrapolate this to how some people start behaving in supposed awed behaviors in crisis it's like a reflex to signal to others we need help if it was logical we would just logically and rationally ask for help in supposed psychosis is this kind of a reflex we are lost in a world of words as our ego scrambles its gesture of inconsistent behavior like an undulation like the wave of a hand it signals we've been burned by an emotion or hit by our ego likely by being struck like a billiard ball of another ego or burned by a gesture or action of an other this hit by action of another strikes are solid ego story structure and breaks it up in the meantime as we scramble to create a new story to call ourselves and calm ourselves our behavior is different by virtue of our broken up story as the story tries to recreate itself it delves into past memories if it needs more to go on it dives into the collective story book of the collective human unconscious accessing these stories is seen as delusion and hallucination when it's just trying to find material to complete the story this is often interfered with and the story is written over it's put together by chemical band-aids instead of being integrated by the gentle touch of love by listening air being cared about heels it heals those biomolecules of distressed perception love cannot be replaced by pharmaceuticals also i extrapolate that certain people are accumulating the allostatic load due to egocentricity we need more world centricity more professionals call for more professionals as the divide widens could tre help shake off some of the energy instead of the behaviors the ego is that which concentrates the energy by identifying and this accumulates allostatic load which must then be dissipated in behavior so many good people doing bad things map experience is to shake off all of that not just the personal but all the collective implied in each concentrated ego and extrapolated back to infinity it's difficult to shake this off recovery is going against the universal shaking off process it's universal distress not just in that distress as universal but also in that the distress of the entire universe in subtle ways added up to that moment in the time space as the individual accumulated in action when you add this up across individuals many are ready to act out as they don't know how to act to solve this distress of the universe how does one save the universe one universe at a time universal distress is universal because we're each a universe a verse of a song that unites us the ego sang songs that separate us we act in personal disorder because we are not acting in person all order I was thinking to this training I took about how emotion can erupt into behavior an emotion is sort of the accumulation of the allostatic load and then eventually it can erupt into behavior well this is sort of what happens with someone who goes into map consciousness all of this behavior comes out that is a result of accumulated emotion and I think it's not just personal emotion because if it was just personal it wouldn't really be enough to make that happen what can happen is that a person gets more into hyper perception into the highly sensitive person aspects of oneself that one was conditioned out of feeling and when one does all of a sudden all the implications of all the built up emotions now are stacked up in that person's consciousness it's not just the emotions of what one logically sort of thought was the troubles but everything everything that one didn't know one was participating with actually is there it's like the accumulated Karma it's actually going over one's life karma and past lives karma in this life now and and navigating that is resolving that karma
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I was thinking about logic and how science as logic doesn't see how intelligence can exist beyond words we think words our intelligence its intelligence that creates words and we don't see that that difference we don't see the space in which words arise and in that way I was thinking in terms of children on the autism spectrum that are may be seen as like unfortunate and maybe less intelligent because they're less able to pick up words we don't see that there's a different intelligence in action and we don't actually see that they're kind of proving that there's a lot more to intelligence beyond words than we realize because they're able to remain in that state of play and wordless intelligence longer I was thinking too about how I talked about how children with autism need a lot more love they really need unconditional love in order to flower because they can sense what's not love it's almost like they are highly sensitive in the same way and a tantrum in a way is their meter of them realizing something's happening that's not love and so and also they're being born in a time where they're not going to be institutionalized as much and someone was telling me about how at an airport you can get a stamp for your passport if your child is on the spectrum and if you have that stamp you can go to the front of the line in checking in and you can go the front of line to get on the airplane because they realize that these children get quite distressed in waiting in lines they don't understand okay stand here now for the next hour they don't understand why they just have to stand there in a line so they'd be running all over or they'd be maybe getting upset and so they've made it so the kids can go to the front line with the family of course and I thought to myself that this is an instance it's a small example and I'm sure there's lots out there in the case of children with autism where they are able to have a different process that understands their needs so in a way it's like a redesign of reality for those children it's changing society is changing the structure of the system to support these children to be able to travel in an easier way so it's facilitating that and I thought that was really awesome and then I like to think and extrapolate well how are they going to change so many other things for these children to be able to flower in society and I wonder if they'll ever realize and be able to create the space for these children to grow up and share what it is their gift is will we even create the environment that allows what it is that's trying to flower through these children to actually flower it's one thing to create easier travel it's another thing to create easier education and it's another thing to even be able to recognize with our logical minds their gifts and their intelligence that's different than our logical minds will we be able to recognize it will we be able to support them for that to flower they have a lot better chance I think their experience is also a trance conscious experience and they have a better chance in a way because they're innocent children and they're being born this way or they're acquiring this or however it works and you can't really you know drug them up on antipsychotics when they're having a tantrum and that's what happens to people that go into trance consciousness later in life and so those people aren't allowed to flower either they're suppressed it's one thing to design things into reality so children with autism don't have tantrums and it's another thing to design it in such a way that they have the space to explore so that they actually flower not just giving them enough space so they don't get angry and have a tantrum giving them more space so they will flower in a way that surprises us maybe at some point we'll actually be able to see what it is that they have to offer we might have to create a gentler world for them and we all have to be gentler in order for that to happen and I thought about the algorithm again that's probably my next theme is the algorithm and I was thinking that the algorithm has something to do with oneness and how we arise in relationship and that relates to how I arise in relationship and working in the mental health system in the paradigm of mental illness which is against the algorithm of what it is that this energy wants to be one with because I felt before that I'm sort of whatever is happening in the situation and maybe that's getting stronger because last time I was in the psych ward it was not pretty i really felt like i was turning into a borderline as they're called by the medication that I was given and the situation I was in and is really scary and difficult to get myself out of that and I got out just in the nick of time and I feel like now I'm feeling fine right now but if I get into that situation where I'm starting to go downhill then it starts to justify the paradigm that I'm in and I don't want to be in that when I'm arising in that relationship with the mental system I want to be like you guys have it largely wrong and maybe I feel that more in my heart more than I'm able to explain to people in logic maybe it just hurts maybe it hurts partly not just because of how the system is today but what it's done to people over the years maybe my brain is extrapolating maybe my brain is seen implications and maybe my my sense is my feeling is feeling that and it's sad because if I get back to a place of super distress then my friends and family have to feed me back into that they don't really have a choice there's no other options and so then I put them in the place of needing to do that and then that creates some tension with my family a little bit because then that happened again and and then when I'm in that distress stayed I start if I'm interacting with my family then I'm taking stuff out on them when I allowed myself to get into that place in a way so again it's adding more justification to the scenario and I don't know it's just and it's interesting that I'm having trouble doing linear documents right now but I can i can speak from my heart and I can do heart-centered things maybe it's because I'm more in my heart center and that's more activated and more energetic so it's difficult to use this logic processor the heart has a different logic and I wrote that the heart logic is beyond ego logic and is the true algorithm of quantum processing we are aware consciously aware of a few bits of information yet the heart is aware of a lot more and I think that's blocked by the ego rationality and it's interesting when we're in fight-or-flight i read that we get access to more like 21 bits of information whereas if we're in regular consciousness we have access to about 4 bits my could be off on the numbers a little bit and it's interesting in fight-or-flight we don't need the ego it sort of goes away we're in a state of being ready to flee or ready to fight and so I feel like if we just didn't use the ego we weren't being used by it then we would have access to more information so again being more in one's heart centered consciousness which I think happens in the trans consciousness experience it's almost like the heart center takes precedence and the ego takes the backseat it's not like everyone's ego completely disappears and everyone has a clear mind and things like that it's that a person is acting based on the heart information first and then the ego comes in and sort of rationalizes things afterwards versus acting based on rationality and blocking out what's happening with the heart and sort of rationalizing away what's happening with the heart and so the heart logic is blocked by the ego logic and also if we were following our hearts we wouldn't necessarily early be following what our ego mind is programmed us to think is pleasure so thinking is seeking pleasure and avoiding pain and when we're in our heart and following our heart we're just following our heart we're not seeking pleasure and avoiding pain and I was thinking about how the fear state opens us up to more bits of information and that could be part of what the extreme athletes do with the flow state as they get into activities that they're sort of in fight-or-flight because they're doing these extreme activities that could actually lead to death and I was thinking about how our ego sort of programs us into thinking okay I'm going to do this and then I'm going to do this and I'm going to be successful and blah blah blah and in that thought process of how we're programmed to think is life there is some sort of safety in that like step one step two step three and then I'll be happy one day I'll be happy whereas if we were in the state of consciousness where we were in synchronicity and creating and learning and unfolding that would almost be like death is just around the corner because one isn't planning this little safe existence so I think that's part of what happens with manic consciousness and synchronicity is one is in that flow because one is just full out living and not delaying living through instant gratification and delayed happiness and part of the death thing could be related to how in synchronicity one is having an experience of ego death because one is moving in and out of being one with whatever it is one is experiencing if I am in a state of awe i'm one with that and i'm not in my ego processing if i was in my ego processing i wouldn't be in a state of awe and so then maybe I go back into your processing but then I have a conversation with somebody that is a stranger and it gets kind of deep well now I'm not an ego I'm being relational so in a way these times where the ego is not operating is an ego death an ego has to be dead or non-functional in order to be in the flow state and so one can do that through being relational with someone or one can do that by experiencing beauty and nature and I feel like to when a person goes into trance consciousness and their heart brain is more the initial processor of things and the leader one seeks more of these relational experiences and these aw experiences because it is a holistic processor of things and when we're seeing holistically we're acting holistically which isn't an ego thing and I wrote down that it seems the fear state gives us that extra bit of energy to process the extra bits from four bits to 21 bits but it also could be that since the ego is temporarily disabled that's what is the extra energy and I've talked about that before how the ego wastes energy and so we have that energy because we're in the fear state and we need it in case we need to act on these bits of information that are coming in these extra bits so it seems like all so that those extra bits of information are are there because we know we need to act and Krishnamurti talks about how thought is in action and how and to me that means that in a state where one is going to be acting one might automatically have access to more information so people that are acting in the moment have more information that they're accessing because the thought is actually preventing one from acting even if one is doing something they're not really acting because they're in their head there somewhere else in their mind so it seems like action gives that extra energy to and we don't need to necessarily be in a state of fear to be in a state of action and in the same way I could almost think to myself if I'm feeling something that feels like fear it is processing more information so it might be felt as fear but it could actually just be more information being processed and that is sort of tied into or coupled with the fearful state in our physiology because usually that's actually when we reserve action like fight or flight life or death then we must act otherwise it's easy for one to be a psychological emotional and physical couch potato so in a way that sensation of suppose it fear or anxiety could just be action calling and this job I have is kind of like in action sitting around looking at a screen that's not really action and so it could be a reaction to an action and a call for action and in a way it is because so many times when a person experiences so-called anxiety it leads us to not take action because we're feeling that fear but really there's some sort of action that needs to be taken and I was thinking about two movies that are coming out in the next while one is healing voices and I missed the screening that they had in my area but I ordered it i pre-ordered it and I think it comes out in about two weeks and I'm curious to see what kind of language they use because when i went to the voices and visions group the other week they talked about how we don't use medical language blah blah blah and then the people that presented on the hearing voices conference in paris they talked about how the hearing voices movement and group of people don't associate them with the mental illness paradigm at all they see themselves as a totally separate thing so i'm assuming this movie will touch on that and it's interesting because i'm not a voice here at this time or anything like that but i really resonate with what they're doing in that they're saying this is not a medical thing this has nothing to do with mental illness and then people that join up with that they co support each other in that they hear voices but they don't see themselves as less then they don't see themselves as mentally ill or deficient and I feel like whatever it is that I'm talking about with myself and self dialogue I don't know if it would be like trans consciousness or [Music] or visionary I've talked about visionary stuff visionary sort of sounds like oh I see things and I don't really see things as much as I am a deep processor of things and i extrapolate things and i see the implications i see what's implicit and when i see what's implicit and I talked about it and make it explicit so perhaps it is that I see the implicit order of things and not all the time like I've gone through periods where nothing comes to my mind screen so it's not like oh this is how I am all the time but what I realized is lately it seems like I'm like this more so maybe because i'm talking with myself and I feel too that I finally found a process to keep up with it in a way and I've talked about how if I just write stuff down and write stuff down and then put it on the shelf I don't even know when I'll get around to it so by writing a bit of stuff down and then talking about it and then just keep going like that and then when i add a video sometimes I I see something else and again it's not seeing as an oh I see it right in front of me I understand something I see how something might work and it's not necessarily oh this is how it works but it's a process of learning and since my brain has sort of been going in this way for a while now because I've been doing the videos it could be that by doing the videos it's a way for me to witness it and myself and make it as explicit so then more can sort of come out because if I'm just writing and I never revisiting it or I'm writing it I'm not speaking it so this process and I've talked about before is like writing reading it speaking it I'm watching myself speak it because I'm just editing out the gaps and things and that makes me hear it and see it and see what I'm saying as I'm saying it it's a process that i think is allowing it to unfold differently because i remember in the very first time I experienced this sort of opening up of my brain I saw so much and I wrote down so much and a lot of it was disjointed and and didn't really make sense but some of it did and then some of it even if it made sense it kind of was freaky even if it was positive because it was so out there but now that I've been talking to myself enough I think I've created enough context that it's slowly building on itself instead of something being so far out there it's something that as an extrapolation of something i extrapolated of something i extrapolated so it's not freaky it's not like this giant leap that kind of scares me remember one time I was like writing something about e equals MC squared or something and then I just like had this major what would be called a panic attack and like and I was just writing about e equals MC squared is that I don't even know what it was I'll probably find it one day but the process of writing would scare me maybe it was the process of learning itself that was sort of scary this process of learning so it just seems that I found a good process and I think I've talked about before to that it would be impossible to really do this with slower internet and a crappy phone so technology is sort of caught up with what it is it seems that the best medium is for me to talk to myself about this and so it almost feels like my brain is now unfolding learning in a certain way that I don't have to rely on the mental illness paradigm in a way I feel like my brain has created enough context that I feel safe in outgrowing it and it would be awesome if I could outgrow the need for medication and i'll grow needing to go to the psychiatrist and I don't even think I really need them I think I talked about before how I could probably do without it if I lived in a peaceful place and I don't mean like I have to live in the middle of nowhere and just mean in a neighborhood that doesn't have trucks going by every five minutes and also that might be the main requirement so maybe we better for me to quit my job find a peaceful place to live taper off the medication and then say bye-bye mental health paradigm and then have whatever it is that I want to create outside of that and not feel like oh I'm hypocrite because I'm still taking medication yet i'm saying i don't have a medical problem so that's that's kind of the process and and i think that would need to be tied into embodying my mania and things because if i wasn't yet embodying my mania then I wouldn't be living according to my heart and if I'm not living according to my heart I'm going to need medication for my brain so it's important for that to happen too so I think it will unfold naturally and that's why I'm not releasing these right away is because this is really for myself this is a self dialogue with myself for myself and so yeah with the healing voices movie I'm really curious to see if what they say and the things they talked about in the movie are congruent with what it is I've been talking to myself about because this is different than the mental health paradigm sort of drawing examples and parallels and difference-in-differences and things and since the healing voices movement is about or I guess it's the hearing voices movement but they call hit healing voices movie which is interesting I'm curious to see if a lot of what they say is parallel to what I've been saying because part of me I've done some reading in the past and things and then I'm doing all this talking and then the bits that i do come across it seems like they are very congruent to what it is that I'm saying even if it's something not really related to what I'm talking about even with that article about how the universities are trying to make policies more in alignment with well-being so people don't get so stressed out so they can actually do well because they're not stressed about the whole process and so they were talking about hiring listeners to listen to people through University so they have someone to talk to and I was thinking wow that's exactly what I envisioned for my community of people who have some distress and need someone to talk to but instead get a pill and so that's the ECP our thing so I just see parallels of things happening that are in alignment with what it is that I'm talking about and and that's awesome so I'm really curious to watch that movie and hear what people have to say and see if it resonates with what I'm talking about for myself and self dialogue because to go with what I'm saying if it's a different line of intelligence or it's a line of intelligence we all have it's not different it's just different than the one we've been programmed to think is intelligence which isn't actually what intelligence is it's sort of like a fake it's like a it's an artificial intelligence actually and that's what I was thinking I was thinking thought and reason and logic is it artificial intelligence its intelligence put over our natural innate intelligence so where we have artificial intelligence we have programmed bio robots walking around telling people what intelligence is when they're just programmed and there's another movie coming out that I also pre-ordered and I'm not sure when it's coming out but it's called crazy wise and it's been a long time in the making and I'm sure it'll change a lot of things and I don't know what it's about exactly but I know it'll be about different perspectives of mental health and so I'm interested to watch that too to see if it's congruent with what I've been talking to myself about creating context about and I'm wondering what I'll be able to extrapolate from those movies I'll definitely do that
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I wanted to continue on with what I was talking about yesterday today is a good day to make videos because there's not as much traffic noise I think I've decided I want to quit my new job I just don't really think that working in the mental illness paradigm is energetically good for me logically I'd love to participate and be able to work to logically slowly but surely make change but I think that's slow because it's appealing to logic and its trying to oppose the logic of the system that's already there and words competing with words is sort of a very slow process and it feels strange because at this moment I'm still staying well I'm still managing to stay well and there would be me withdrawing at a point where I'm still well versus waiting until I go downhill in a way it could be good because I'm quitting when I'm at sort of the pinnacle of my career in peer support not that I won't continue with it in another fashion it's just I don't know if it fits well within the mental health system and even if it does I don't know if I fit well in that role in the mental system because I really don't feel it's helpful for people to be pathologized like that and of course they have the recovery movement and things but within the system it's still about here's your pathology now recover from your pathology we just gave you instead of starting from a different point and I'd rather start from that different point I think because being immersed in that other viewpoint doesn't really allow me to arise in relationship as I would like to so i talked about how in certain states of consciousness we more so arise in relationship we are what we arise as in that relationship so by being related to the mental illness paradigm I'm arising in relationship to that and it's in contradiction with my belief system and my value system and not that there's not a place for that but it to me is weakening it weakens me at weakens people and and so if I was to participate in some different that was more strength based I would be able to arise in relationship to that strength based paradigm or experience or situation and I love it when people are doing well and doing strength-based positive things that really gives me energy and it's not that people don't do that within the mental illness paradigm it's just it's just a different reference point it's just a different vantage point and and it just it really bothers me I think maybe largely in part because with all this self dialogue that I've done I just really don't believe that because I don't believe it of myself so I don't believe it's true for other people even if they believe it's true I don't believe even if there is an element of truth I don't believe in labeling people so early maybe if people were given open dialogue for six months and then labeled maybe most people wouldn't need a label at that point or their label would be lesser and they would get appropriate help but there's such an emphasis on this immediate labeling of people in order to get them on the immediate medication and doesn't mean don't put someone on medication to calm them down or keep them able to to be able to hold whatever experience they're having while moving towards new context and understanding and dialogue but people aren't given that our d so they're medicated and basically told to be quiet not really told to be quiet but there's no real listening ear that's where I think something like emotional CPR could come in very helpful as well as I was even thinking it'd be cool if a bunch of people were trained in it to have an ecp our day we're on a certain day people could come and speak to people in the ECP our way and then that person will be able to practice their ecp our skills and to really create a community of practice and a community of dialogue in that way so even if certain people who came to be the people receiving the ECP our ear they would start to think in different ways just by the way the dialogue was happening and maybe they would want to be trained in it at some point so it would just be something totally different and it's keeping that distress from accumulating to the point where a person then needs medical help and even if it's a person that doesn't need severe and serious medical help if they need just a little bit and then they take some sort of medication well now they're just avoiding whatever it was that is causing the problem even if it's just not as not as debilitating well it just allows a person to go back to the crappy life that was probably causing that to start to build up and not actually find different solutions or paths that might lead to something different when I'm thinking when I'm saying this right now I'm actually seeing I'm doing self dialogue with myself which could be a form of e CPR even though I've never taken you CPR yet and in a way I'm having the self dialogue and I'm noticing lately I've been getting this feeling of stress distress and if I'm thinking about it the stress distress could be of the situation in my life so if i don't really think about that and eliminate that and just keep moving towards that eventually i will have my fourth hospitalization because I never listen to what that distress is pointing to and I said to a friend earlier today that I think I'm having an allergic reaction to working in the mental health system it's almost like my consciousness my energy is starting to freak out and it's interesting that I can't focus on what it is I'm supposed to do with my job it's like don't focus on that you're freaking out and we're not going to let you focus on that because you're not supposed to be doing that and I don't know if that's true but it would be interesting for me to frame it in that way as opposed to thinking oh I'm becoming more mentally ill and I could say while I'm becoming more distress so I need to take some kind of medication to and deal with a distress or I could remove the distressful situation and I'm not sure if I quit if I'll the next day think oh my gosh why did I do that it was such a good opportunity part of me feels a bit angry at the system just because I don't want to be pathologized and when I was sharing my story on Thursday it was the best I ever did it sharing my story and i felt like i was able to really share what it was that I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and how I wanted to frame it and I realized that I was able to use ninety-eight percent strength based language and some of it that i use in these self dialogue videos not some of the out there concepts like I wasn't talking about like epigenetics and epi mimetics but I was talking about transformation a little bit i was talking about it's like a different intelligence I was talking about empathy and these different factors and I even mentioned that it might be a disability in some ways but there is an ability shun factor there's different abilities that arise when certain abilities seem to atrophy during this process it's like it's like a flip in a way it's like we flip from our our mind brain to our heart brain and it's very disorientating and so I don't think I even said the word bipolar i might have said psychosis but i might have said what's called psychosis or what's known as psychosis and and it was interesting that using all that strength based language that i created for myself not just not that i created the language or the words but I created that as my context for which to talk about it and frame it I felt strong afterwards whereas if I would have said oh this about my mental illness and Oh psychosis and over the hospital and I was getting so sick and all the stuff that people say I probably I probably would have felt differently after so I I really chose to practice using the language and the way I want to speak about it and I don't think I ever spoke about it in terms of like this is bad I'm bad or anything I want to really think about it that's how I want to speak about it it's not and with that language it's not turned into that which we're sort of programmed to see it as we're programmed to interpret it that way and if we interpret it that way of mental illness and all this we're going to feel more fearful if we notice something happening so we're trying to be fearful of that we're not trained to notice that we're not trying to be aware of it we're not trained to really wonder about it we're not trying to create our own context through which to describe it that we might have even created during the initial transformation process like thinking oh this is related to this which seems delusional in a way but it was our way of making sense of this transformation process and so I'm sure I had ways of making sense of it during the process and now I'm able to make sense of it when I notice the process sort of being activated and again it could be a different type of sensor or compass saying I'm going the wrong way and it might seem the right way it might seem the right logical way it might seem my egocentric way go and advance my career and make some money and and help the system and all this thing that's very logical but it seems that my sense is my body my feelings my energy everything is sort of reacting to that and I don't know if it is that it could be something else but that's sort of the thing that was added in most recently and that's the thing that usually has gotten me to a place of having all of that and in a way it's it makes sense because the allostatic load of sort of taking on the system in a way by working in it if one is working in it and one is sensitive and consciousness and a deep processor and a deep sensor and can get supposedly over stimulated by being in that environment being in that work I'm automatically extrapolating everything that I encounter and that would create allostatic load information overload by being in that heavy scenario so it could be something that is just difficult to get into something like that because of the extrapolation that my brain does so instead of me saying oh I'm weak oh I'm you know I can't I can't be successful in all of that it's more just that my mind my brain processes in a different way that isn't allowing me to go there and it could be not allowing me to go there because I'm not supposed to waste or utilize my energy in that way maybe there's a more powerful way to use my energy maybe if I spend two hours a day making video self dialogue with myself that would be more powerful than just sitting in an office and doing a few documents for one program in mental health somewhere and and I don't think that's as powerful it could almost be a waste of awareness in a way so and that makes sense too because I've talked about how a lot of times recovery is like recover into cog in the machine job and that's recovery well I'm reacting to cog in the machine job and then again if I quit it's like well now what do i do and i might have to be very creative with that and create something of my own in terms of what it is that i can unfold as me not working in a system which was something i didn't create so yeah i guess to that would be part of this synchronistic lifestyle design is that that's not really going to create as much synchronicity I feel I feel really done with it and not completely because i also have a casual job in peer support and the conversation is going well with that job in terms of being able to be a bit collaborative and co-creative and what I actually see happening possibly is creating some kind of rediscovery Center rediscovery and recreation center so for people that go into this trance consciousness they have somewhere to go to be and also to rediscover and recreate themselves and it would be sort of a community thing and I talked about some of that with talking about sort of like business ideas and i don't mean business as an i want to make money but it's usually some kind of business that is created in order to pull people together in some way but it wouldn't even have to be a business per se as much as just people contributing to a community and it could even be what i talked about with neighborhood and the neighborhood could be part of the thing where somebody knows ecp are so they're sort of like a neighborhood watch and then they have maybe certain people that they connect with who are their neighbors and they're not necessarily their peers they're not really they don't have to be somebody that also has a diagnosis of some kind and hopefully eventually people wouldn't have a diagnosis at all they would just know I'll go to my neighborhood watch person and they're going to witness my process of dialogue to help me unfold some meaning and context through which I can create a larger map a larger mindscape for which I can navigate my life because right now it's being navigated down a narrow tunnel and that is leading me into isolation and lack of degrees of freedom so also people in the neighborhood they would be doing their thing to contribute to the neighborhood and and help build up the neighborhood in a different way that was supportive and I often think like I don't know how all of this would be created but I feel like if I talked enough to myself about it I'll be able to speak with people in context as something arises in the moment when I'm out and about synchronistic Lee and it'll start to happen whereas if I never talked about it to myself it's not really going to be in my mind as much it's not really going to be part of the context and it's almost like I build context as I speak these things they're vibrating their resonating they're changing my brain cells and they're making it more likely that i will say these things when the opportunity comes just like when i shared my story on thursday and i said all strength based language that i would choose to describe not describing it in terms of what i've been told over the years is my problem and i didn't even present it in of the way that it's supposedly a problem it's made into a problem by the way it's interpreted and framed and medicated and and i'm not saying any of that is wrong I'm just saying that it's more of an emergency measure why do we get to that point that we need all that emergency measure is one thing and then why isn't it that we can't just bring someone out of the emergency state and then have so much dialogue to bring back into an integrated place where they can go about recreating and rediscovering their life and that would be the thing with this rediscovery recreation center and I think to again with what I talked about was how we are that Center we are a recreation and rediscovery center so i don't know what i was talking about somebody called me and i think i was talking about how we are a rediscovery and recreation center we don't really need a building in order to represent that and i was thinking about how when I told my story in the strength based way strength based stuff keeps our nervous system strong there's a muscle testing which is applied kinesiology and certain words and certain non truths make our nervous system week so by using the language that I chose to create as the context to describe my situation and my experiences it's making me strong whereas if I use language that doesn't resonate with me it's going to make me weak and you can do it by sort of pushing down you can say your name or think it and then push and your nervous system is strong your arm is strong and then if you say what the name that's not yours then it goes week and interestingly enough since my last hospitalization my nervous system stays strong for everything so I can't even use that anymore it won't let me use that and I don't know what that means I no if it means that I'm in a space of strength so maybe I'm immune to things like that that make me weak or maybe maybe it's that my whole body is the sensor now and I can't just use my arm to ask these questions like that and so maybe I can't use that as a guide anymore I have to actually use my whole physicality in my senses and my feelings and everything and perception can't just be like oh I'm going to ask my arm I'm not sure what that's all about but before I would be able to use it and it would be one way to to guide myself sometimes but Nia not anymore I made some more notes and I made a note about how the ego is the wrong type of sound just as hearing truck engine breaks all day long is the wrong type of sound that would not strengthen the nervous system it would add to this dress so it's almost like anything that would make the nervous system weak below the level of 200 on dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness would add stress to the system maybe it is stress in that the nervous system can't stay strong so it sends this stress signal and cortisol puts us into fight or flight which often times makes us stronger because we need to fight or flee so we need that extra strength it's almost like our voice in our head our monologue in our head our own ego voice turned against us making us weak makes the nervous system week which then responds by cortisol being released in the body somewhere near the adrenal glands and then that puts us in a fight or flight which gives us this artificial strength that we need because we're actually poisoning ourselves with our own words so it's really important to not be exposed to these things that make us weak because if we do because if we are exposed to those things then the ego voice is going to be talking and making us stressed maybe in order for us to get some bodily strength and part of our weakness is that we're not in the right posture so it all ties in to everything everything's related to everything it can't be separated into oh this is the cause there is no cause one can unfold context and a lot of it but doesn't mean anything is the root cause I feel too like I can get into fight flight or freeze for different reasons then the ego would put me into fight flight or freeze and that would be when the body is perceiving holistically and is moving towards path that is not right for the organism and then it stops a person in their tracks and puts them into fight flight or freeze and almost creates these supposed hallucinations and delusions to scare a person off from the path scare a person off of the path of linearity of logic of reason of society of the ego voice all of those things and then our voice even more gets turned against us in that it scares us and turns us away from that path and then we get pathologized and part of its because the dopamine mechanism is broken down usually if we have a freaky thought we can go and eat a cookie and then we feel better but with this process thing is going to make us feel better unless the eagle was completely dismantled and the process is dismantling the ego and then interrupted and disintegrated and turned into pathology with chemical Eagle band-aids and then with the chemical Eagle band-aid were moved towards recovery back into the system which we were fleeing from and I was thinking about the highly sensitive person thing and how people are born that way and then the ones that are not able to be programmed into eco rationality as much remain highly sensitive people and then people that are programmed and go in that rational academic or whatever way and then there in that rational programmed way for years and then that breaks down and the ego gets scrambled and everything then those people are called mentally ill because one was disconnected from that sensitivity so in snapping back to that sensitivity there's this odd behavior and things whereas people that are highly sensitive and remain highly sensitive create their lives in such a way that they can sort of manage to go about life and and not get all freaked out but a person is programmed they're going into life and then the programming breaks and they become highly sensitive but they've had 5 10 15 20 years of not functioning with that high sensitivity so it becomes overwhelming it's kind of like I read about or heard about this man who was blind all of his life I think he might have had sight for a very very short period of time when he was young and so when they gave him surgery to restore his eyesight and and when he had eyesight it was so much pain it wasn't oh you can see nothing made sense it was say 30 or 40 years of no I site and then all of a sudden this person had ice I and couldn't make sense of any of the signals nothing made sense nothing looked like it was supposed to look like according to how people that have always had eyesight see things so it might have appeared as delusional it might have been like a big hallucination it might have been everything was blurred into everything it might have been so much information it might have been painful because all these senses are coming in and it feels like pain just because it's overwhelming and this the sense and the sensory apparatus that the molecules the brain cells this signals whatever is needed in order to process that incoming data isn't there so it's actually just felt as pain because it's all this energy coming in and not being able to dissipate it into the processing into the images into the things that they are supposed to represent in reality and in the same way a person who is deeply programmed and goes through this transformative experience it's like almost like being blind ones whole life and then being able to see as having this very narrow band of ego processor of what has made salient in one's life and that is expanded to this huge band of feelings of of sensing other people's experiences of taking different perspectives than one's own ego it's not just me and my ego and how I see things it's how the other person see things how we both see things together what the other person could be thinking and it's just so much information it's a different way of seeing that's different than seeing with the eyes we see through our ego and what's made salient and when that breaks down there's way too much information and in the same way it can be turned into different associations we're used to associating and not extrapolating so when we start to take different perspectives and we're able to extrapolate it it is as too much information we don't know what we're seeing we don't know what kind of information we're dealing with we don't know where it's coming from just like this man who had his eye sight restored he wouldn't know what anything was or where it was coming from and didn't make any sense and I don't know if over time he was able to make sense of things I feel the same way after a person has that transformative experience it doesn't end it keeps going it's like always learning and always having a sense of where this information is coming from and what we're sensing and sometimes we don't even know so imagine an indigenous person years ago they would have been so attuned to their environment if they heard a certain sound they would know exactly where it was exactly what kind of animal was making it how long the animal would take to get to them how long it would take them to get to the animal to hunt it etc etc so in that same way if we're experiencing some kind of sensation or some kind of information we don't know where it's coming from it might just be fearful so if we were in the forest we would be afraid because we wouldn't actually know where these sounds and perceptions were coming from and we wouldn't know how to act and which way to go and to avoid danger and to seek food we wouldn't know so it's the same way with having this transformative consciousness it takes time to learn so if we were left in the forest and then we if we went to the forest continually every weekend for a year eventually we would really get to know the forest and we would feel comfortable and just when this transformative consciousness happens it takes a while to feel comfortable and not be spooked so originally it might happen where there's an extrapolation that makes us have a vision of something that happened a thousand years ago and now that's scary because we normally don't experience that but over time with being able to navigate this information we might just think oh oh that oh I just remembered something from our human history or or it could even be kind of obvious when talking to somebody how it relates to that so it comes up as an extrapolation versus a supposed hallucination which which is like well how did that come into my brain and and that's scary and then I try to relate it to myself because we always try to relate everything to our ego self when maybe it's just something that's arising that has nothing to do with us when we're driving a car we don't see a sign and think the sign is talking about us is just a navigation post so the same way some of these images and things that come up that are supposed to hallucinations and delusions are just they're just part of the map of the whole territory of the entire history of humanity and we can access that information and in a way muscle testing applied kinesiology was in order to ask any question and get the truth you can ask yes or no responses and if you ask something it's true it'll make you strong so you know the truth of that went away this trans consciousness experience is sort of like applied kinesiology but it actually happens in the field of actuality it happens as an image so if you think of something you feel the truth of it and it makes you sort of excited or happy or ecstatic and then you see something scary and it makes you afraid well that's sort of like the truth and the falsehood of the muscle testing but we're actually projecting something outward or we're experiencing something on her mind screen and why shouldn't we be able to do that
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I was thinking about the algorithm of say Amazon how if you buy something then they suggest other things you might like and so it's like the computer saying oh you might like this and I was thinking how that's sort of parallel in a way to synchronicity and how it's almost like actuality saying oh you might like this or remember does this resonate with you it's like trying to match you with things that you would move toward which is similar to the amazon thing because i actually shipped a gift to somebody on my amazon account and then that person who i ship that gift to had that gift pop up in there amazon feed which was interesting because it wasn't purchased under there amazon account but what would have matched was the address so that's very clever because it's taking it's calculating that this person received this item so they probably like similar items to this item but it actually popped up this item and I just thought that is an interesting computation that's an interesting algorithm to match the receiver of something their address and then start popping that item up in their feet and their their ideas of what they might like and you might think well that's not that interesting but to me I was just thinking those algorithms are getting more and more and more and more complex and then I think about how actuality must be based on some kind of algorithm and synchronicity in a way is kind of similar it's like we'll hear something you might like here's something you might want to follow here's something you might want to move toward and so I was wondering what is the algorithm for synchronicity if programmers can figure it out to create this algorithm to present stuff in front of us on our electronic devices what is it that allows us to step into a place or a path or a pathless path where one good thing shows up after another now if you think about Amazon and you think okay if I was to buy something that I wasn't interested in like a bag of nails and then the next day I go and I buy you know some DVD that I'm not really wanting to watch well and I keep going with that process eventually amazon is only going to give it me suggestions or very quickly it's only going to be giving me suggestions that I don't even want I'm not even interested in them because I was just buying stuff I didn't even want anyway so it's thinking about how we're that way in our daily life in a way if we have a job we don't like we have our surrounded with stuff we don't really want any more and we have friends we maybe don't resonate with anymore the universe is just going to keep giving similar suggestions because that's sort of what we've been choosing all along and so the opposite of that would be to always move toward things that we are[Music] joyful about happy about make us laugh etc and so that would likely lead to that showing up for us in our life so it's almost like what we choose is the algorithm what we put our attention on is what we give our energy to and that our energy is actually our main currency we use that currency in order to earn money so if we're putting that currency and that's how we're earning money and then we're spending that money which we earned with that level of energy we're only bringing in that level of energy even if we bought something maybe that we did like so I just thought it was interesting how we do that online we buy what we want and then things pop up and suggest on Facebook or whatever that oh we might like something similar but in life we often choose the things that we are not really that interested in that we don't like and then we're wondering why the same things pop up just look at the algorithms of the computer so that we probably work the exact same way so I really wonder what the algorithm of synchronicity is I think it would have something to do with energy I think it has something to do with movement because when I have had the most synchronicities I was on the move I was not sitting around I was always out and about and a lot of time i would say i created that synchronicity because I would have conversations with people so movement physically as well as movement of one's voice and I wonder too I wonder about this whole water thing because I was talking in my last videos I think about how having dialogue one gives voice to their concerns and maybe some of the energy is actually carried out on the water as well as the sound but also in the water and that could be one of the ways that it changes the fabric of reality in a way because we're giving voice to those things energetically and in the water because we breathe out water turns to oxygen and things and other people breathe that in people are actually breathing in the words that we say and and not just that but the energy of our whole being and that's the water in the air part but it's also energetic and that could be it the energy of fear and I wonder why we have the algorithm of the ego voice talking to itself that algorithm keeps us lost in self-centeredness somebody told me today that people with schizophrenia very few of them get cancer and they said because they're not really spending time in their body they're kind of in their head I was wondering a few things about that one is that people with a mental health diagnosis like that often on average died 25 years earlier so they're less likely to develop cancer that way too plus people are less likely to take care of themselves and actually go to the doctor for a checkup people that are medicated and medicalized are probably less prone to be like yeah let's go to the doctor today so there could also be under diagnosis and I'm not disputing that like that they don't get cancer I think that it could be partly because they are having their energy up in their head or not even their head but it could be in my mind the collective unconscious there their energy is working in a different domain and to me also a person who is identified with their ego and logic and success and personal gain and and all of that those people are actually acting on self-interest and it makes sense the Gaia would select for people acting in self interest to get cancer and die that's an over simplification but I feel like the process of supposed mental illness is actually a transformation it's trans consciousness if understood and allowed to flower it would actually help heal the social fabric the relational mind it's acting in that domain of the relational mind past present all possible futures of every human or creature on the planet one's not identified with personal gain and so because a person's not identified with personal gain they're seen as mentally ill because they could walk in circles and not really accomplish anything they're seen as mentally ill when they're not understood and allowed to flower into the role into the kind of intelligence that they are being transformed into necessarily by Gaia and so to me it makes sense if a person isn't identified as ego personal gain separate individual completely autonomous from everyone else acting independently instead of interdependently it makes sense that a person with that process and it could be something to do with dopamine I mentioned the dopamine reflex and then over reliance on dopamine sensation and me and gain like that that would automatically predispose those types of people to cancer so that could be in a way guy is war on people with that type of consciousness and interestingly enough a lot of people that have a diagnosis they go through a transformation actually of like whoa like what is really important and so many people connect with Wow all this stuff in my life is not important so it might not even be that nature is selecting to kill people off in that way they could it just could be another way for people to be reconnected with what's actually important in life and what's actually important in life is a concept it's a mental construct I feel if we were never disconnected from our original intelligence from the natural developing of that that always learning never accumulating process we would never have the concept of oh this is what's important in life that is a reflex a retrospective thought based on moving away from nature a fish doesn't talk about how important water is water is just there it's just it's just part of the fabric of life now if it was outside of water it would realize Oh waters important so we've done that we move so far away from our nature our natural intelligence how we were as children and the natural progression of that not contorted by the gravity of the society we've created and people that can maintain some semblance of consistency underneath that pressure are the ones that are so-called successful and then they create a more and more alien world based on that so-called success because that's what they were rewarded for with the material goods and people that get cancer they suffer in the body and people with a mental health concern they suffer in consciousness and the collective unconsciousness as well so it could be since they're in the consciousness and the collective unconsciousness they're not identified with the ego so their bodies are somewhat immune to that kind of suffering because they're in a different dimension of suffering a person that has a mental health challenge like that they're already connected to the collective unconscious suffering and can sense what's really important but they there's no real path for people to be ability to what their intelligence is their lines of it their line of intelligence so people that are egocentric and get cancer it's again to try to connect them with the collective and what's important for all and one in mental health crisis is sort of fighting battles and consciousness whereas an egocentric person is finding battles in the body and in the mental health crisis domain fighting battles in the collective unconscious that is the common body of humanity that's all of humanity it's almost like mental illness supposing mental illness is autoimmunity to one's own ego and one goes into the collective domain the ego is psychological cancer so it makes sense that that might be mirrored in the body I think that's part of the whole synchronicity algorithm thing is that a person isn't moved by money a person isn't guided by reward in that sense I was thinking I was going to get a coffee the other day and I was thinking I'm being moved by money I'm going to go buy this coffee and then I went back and I was moved again and I was going to work so again I was being moved by money it was like this financial transaction whereas in synchronicity consciousness nothing is about money when is moved by something entirely different I watched another TED talk on something about laughter and not taking oneself so seriously and I was thinking about how in the first three and a half years after being diagnosed I laughed a lot had a lot of fun and now I haven't had that laughter and I don't know if I'm going to my new job and I was thinking I don't know if I can afford to not have that laughter and so I could be moved for the money of the job or I could be moved toward a situation where I'm going to have that laughter and he talked about the top five regrets of the dying and how one of them was not having laughter and silliness in one's life and again it was talking a lot about how children are and how they laugh as a four-year-old 300 times a day and apparently as a 40 year old four times a day and I did a lot better when I wasn't taking myself so seriously and all of these videos seem mostly serious be interesting to have self dialogue when I'm more in a state of laughter and play and a lot of this to me is playing with ideas and playing with insights playing with words and language and it's perhaps beneficial because without that context then I could get played by words and things and when I have been feeling a bit different these last few days I have been framing it different with myself I have been saying things that i would say about say trans consciousness or perceiving differently or sort of being shifted or processing something and I don't remember all the stuff that I say but it's interesting how that will sort of pop up on my mind screen when I have some sort of sensation that I could say I could say oh my gosh thats anxiety oh my gosh that means i'm getting worse oh my gosh that means i might end up in the hospital but instead i have a different thing pop up like oh there's some energy there or I'm probably sensing things that I'm not aware of or maybe this job is not right for me maybe I don't want to get to the point where I decide that from the psych ward so instead of thinking that I'm becoming unwell it's more about realizing maybe this isn't right for me in my life and I if I think about say being again a teenager in school and feeling so-called anxiety well we're all trying to be fit into the same box so of course some of us are going to feel anxiety and again I'm trying to fit myself in the box of society with a job of society and and I'm definitely feeling it and then I watched another talk and it was talking about positive psychology and how it's important to start with the fact that people have gifts and talents and and that we're competent and well-functioning and I feel again people that go through a crisis of some sort they become ability tit in certain ways while being perhaps temporarily disabled in other ways and I think it's important to acknowledge the ability shin and speak to that and and sometimes certain areas in life atrophy so then one is provoked into exploring the other areas that have been augmented or perhaps just feel as if they've been augmented because other areas of atrophied and since those areas of atrophied while we could work so hard to get that back or we could move towards what it is that our gifts and our talents are they talked about a study where a woman and this was quite some time ago was negative about kids test scores in the feedback and they did nineteen percent better and then the next group of kids she was positive and only said strength-based things and the kids did something like 79 or 71 percent better or something on the next thing and so it just shows the power of that and that's why i would like to completely move away from saying mental illness and all this stuff because that's not strength based and and so much of it i feel and person needing to recover is actually recovering from the huge amount of stress that is inherited by virtue of the process that one goes through which is more like an initiation to to viewing oneself in such a detrimental way that is not helpful at all it's a temporary crisis its awakening of other lines of intelligence we wonder why people that go through a crisis are so scared well they can read people so easily now and then we medicate people to dull them away from that so they can stand being around all these people who are pathologizing them and another TED Talks had find your path to light and they talked about happiness laughter and talents and then he said that happiness laughter and talents are the compass so in a way it could be that happiness laughter and talents are in a way the algorithm a compass to light up the path and he also said by focusing on what's wrong we become experts on the problem and I was thinking about my job and how the system is kind of wrong and if I become an expert on the system i'm actually becoming an expert on what's wrong and with my videos i talk about harvesting mania and practicing and embodying and that is again focusing on the part of the transformation that was positive and even though it often results in a negative period of time doesn't mean one can't harvest that because a lot of that was us in our natural state I think there's a particular human potential movement for people that have been diagnosed as mentally ill it's just a matter of allowing those potentials to flower and they're not allowed to flower I even wrote down I'm feeling non-linear a lot of times I can work on linear tasks no problem but all of a sudden I have to put together a couple documents and I'm just tuned out and it could be because I'm nonlinear or it could be because it's kind of lame maybe that's not what I'm supposed to be using my energy and attention for so when we're in fear we're seeing what we fear that's what's made salient that is the algorithm and then we're always trying to find things to fix our problem of the fear when the problem is fear and no amount of things is going to get us to feel as if that is fixed maybe only temporarily which is the dopamine and then that dopamine sort of relieves the fear and it's interesting because the dopamine away is relieving the fear that we're separated alone then by getting something we feel like oh I'm not alone i have this thing but that process in itself is isolating us from others which is this only security against feeling isolated is being connected and relational with others and I was thinking too about the movement movement of money how I sent a check to a friend so she could donate to the water people who give get clean water for people somewhere in the world i was thinking i sent a check and then that will move her the back and then that Bank she'll give it to the water people and then that will move them to give the water it's like that's what's required for that kind of action is the money but imagine if we're all doing what we're really meant to do that would happen maybe without the need for money we were just be doing what was good for our heart and good for everyone my name is a convenient way to do that and I think map consciousness is a different movement there's still a place for the movement of money but i think my up consciousness is different and it's trying to move us away from this whole notion of commerce because we believe in this commerce thing we think we'll have to have a certain amount of this or certain that in order to do something we're always delaying action that could be part of the recalibration is to recalibrate us away from commerce which is tied into dopamine which is tied into the me so money commerce could also be related to dopamine because we need money to get stuff to feel safe to feel not alone we don't know how to go connect and collaborate and cooperate
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I've been having a different couple of days I use the word different instead of rough on purpose and I'm wondering if this change is an opportunity for me to talk about what I'm sensing and feeling using some of the language that I unfolded and created some of the different memes and different ways of viewing and interpreting experience so it's probably been about it's probably been about four or five days since I had some kind of energetic shift and it feels like I'm processing things differently that could be called distress or things breaking down I've noticed that I'd like to reframe and say that I'm processing different and since it's sort of a downshift and processing in a way it feels supposedly not as good or and the difference in processing is interesting I feel like I don't want to be alone feel like I want to be relational and I also feel very sensitive to noise so my my senses are quite heightened and so that adds to stress and if I'm already a little bit stressed out then it's quite additive and I think I've talked about the noise where i live in other videos but it's not super bad right now because evening and it's a weekend but I spent Tuesday and Wednesday just trying to avoid the noise i went to a quiet park then i went to a library when i got cold and the next day I had a meeting in a quiet building I just stayed in the quiet building until I had to leave and then I went to the library again and I was feeling really what would be called may be anxious but i guess it felt like energy being stirred up and and it was there for sure when I was at the building and then when I went to the library I saw somebody that I know when acquaintance from the clubhouse and we ended up chatting for probably about an hour and at first I was talking about how I wasn't doing as good as well or something and and then we were just talking about whatever and then after I left after that our I had to go and share my story for my job and that energy had completely dissipated and I was thinking to myself it's like Oh a one-hour dose of that person makes that go away because I haven't yet taken any PR ends or anything like that I would if it gets to the point where i'm feeling really fearful but if it's just uncomfortable then then I just stay with it and wait for it to pass so one hour dose that person made that feeling go away and then I drove and share my story for an hour and i think it was sort of the best i had ever done at sharing my story and it was a small group of like six or seven people but I was like really energetic and enthusiastic and I shared my story very well I can't really remember what I said but I just thought that oh that one that went well and it was sort of surprising in a way because of how I was feeling just an hour before and to me that relates to the relational thing wanting to be relational and and also an hour with that person before was relational so on one hand I need quiet from noise it doesn't have acquired from people talking or being near people it's like almost the wrong type of sound being alone hearing traffic noise all the time versus being with people and hearing people noise it's like the opposite and so and two days earlier on along the Tuesday because the thursday i shared my story i had shared my story on the tuesday and i felt like i wasn't feeling uncomfortable or like i did a bad job or anything but I just felt like oh that was I didn't feel that energy from that exchange between me and the group I guess maybe I didn't make that connection somehow and it just was like not as good in comparison to how I did on the Thursday even though I can't really remember what I shared at each of them and interestingly enough a woman at the Thursday group shared that her loved one is connected with altruism and empathy and very sensitive to other people as well I really do feel it's like a different line of intelligence it's a different sensitivity that people develop and then it makes them not acting the same line as everybody else because one is sensing other information it's perceiving holistically and seeing the whole situation and then reacting to that not just 20 the words somebody said which was a simple instruction there's more information available and so with that I feel like I have that extra perceptiveness and I was actually watching TED talk today on highly sensitive people and I was thinking to myself that sounds derogatory in a way it doesn't but when you think about it it's like oh you're highly sensitive I think I would call it extraordinarily sensitive because that sounds better or extraordinarily perceptive something like that and the lady who did the talk was saying that a woman wrote a book about highly sensitive people I've probably seen it and I've heard of it and stuff but I just never thought to read it and i don't know if i will just cuz i'm not really reading books lately but she said that it's a genetic trait to be highly sensitive and i was thinking to myself how when i was younger i wasn't highly sensitive at least i wasn't aware that I was I was very academic and very in alignment with that I could have still been highly sensitive but not really i don't think i was sensitive to other people's feelings or anything like that and and I feel like it's almost like an acquired extraordinarily sensitive perceptive thing and I wonder if it can be acquired epigenetically or if it could be related to what Linus Pauling said about how some people have different nutritional requirements to to stay rational pretty much to not have some kind of supposed mental illness like some people need different nutrients but I still think that there's a different line of intelligence there it's maybe a different genetic expression of a different line of intelligence we just think that if people are outside a certain norm they must be mentally ill or they must be highly sensitive or something like that I don't really agree I agree that there are highly sensitive people but I think that it's a totally different line of intelligence and to say while these people are highly sensitive maybe regular people are highly insensitive and dulled and numbed and and educated into a stupor and I think I was one of those people and so that's why I think that it's more of a conditioning thing and then some people are less apt to get that kind of conditioning and be conditioned out of their highly sensitive perceptiveness that they were born with as children which is the pattern recognition which is the learning which is so many things and it's traded for words and rationality and then we call that normal and again the ego and the rationality are helpful in that they allow us to be desensitized to all the things that if we were sensitized to we would actually act and change the world so again it's more about conformity and and things like that so i don't know i think that certain people are less able to be programmed out of their sensitivity and then they're kind of like the highly sensitive ones and that are left to their own devices and then those traits and characteristics and that line of intelligence isn't valued in society because that's the one that would change society and then the people that are able to be programmed they go to the top and that's why they want to perpetuate that kind of programming because if they if that was lost then those people would be out of a job and I actually I read today a hopeful article about how universities are implementing some kind of well-being policy I'm not saying it properly but certain universities have adopted it and it's basically about rewriting the rules to be more strength based and also it's one thing to write rules to be punitive and it's another thing for them to be supportive like supportive rules and and they were saying some professors are giving options like you can do this assignment or this assignment or this assignment versus everyone doing the same assignment and I bet they would be geared a little bit to different intelligences or different learning styles who knows though mainly certain types of learning styles are the ones that get to university in the first place but it's definitely a step in a good direction and it was also saying that their training listeners so people in University of someone to talk to and someone to listen to them and they actually wrote it in the context of to keep the medical part of the mental health system to people that really need that medical attention and I was thinking that's really interesting because because a lot of maybe the wait times and things for mental health stuff is because there's people that maybe don't quite fit that or or maybe they need the medical attention because there's nobody to actually listen out there so if they had somebody to listen to they wouldn't necessarily need to go and get some kind of medication or psychiatric help so they're training listeners and I thought that was very similar to what i want to do with the ECP are have people that are able to help people with their distress whereas Mental Health First Aid it's like oh you're you're you're distressed you have a medical problem you better get medical help and that's fine for people that really need it but it's making so many people go for medical help when maybe they just need somebody to listen to them and maybe that's the best medicine and having somebody to talk to and have a chat with meet with me at the library for an hour after that I went and shared my story and did the best I think I've ever done and and also took away that sort of unpleasant energy that was moving around in my abdomen we get so disconnected that we feel so much pain that we need these medications to take away the pain which prevents us from connecting I might have talked about how it seems like I might have just written it down how it seems like this psychological anguish is almost a protective mechanism so we don't isolate ourselves and live in isolation from each other because with that anguish we have to seek out help which is usually from another person oftentimes it's replaced by a pill but when a person listens and is heard and vice versa it actually connects the people makes them relational and makes it sort of reconnects part of the social fabric of the collective social fabric so it's really important for that to happen I feel like I've lost my focus and I've talked about focus before and how it's kind of like focus pocus because for students in school we give them this crap to learn or do some crappy assignment and then we say oh they can't focus there's something wrong with them and we never questioned what we're actually giving the person to do and so I feel like since I have my new job I couldn't focus on Tuesday and Wednesday where I couldn't focus on was Wednesday and Thursday I couldn't focus I was very disturbed and distressed by all the noise and and maybe it's just a matter of that's not what I want to focus on maybe it's almost my brain or my my being or everything saying that's not your path and i think i mentioned how I had a decision i did this coin flip thing and i even and it said don't take the job basically and then i did a walk in a park to look for best two out of three for another coin and i found 25 pennies that also pointed tails which was the original so best two out of three even though the universe flipped 25 pennies for me for best two out of three and i still took the job and now i'm at this point where i'm wondering if my brain is going to allow me to do the job and I've also talked about how before I worked in a medical office where it was just joyful happy and and I never had any trouble and now I'm in this david-versus-goliath situation where I'm a person with lived experience with the system trying to sort of implement something with more people with lived experience in the system of people who don't really buy into that whole scenario and and that part of the system wasn't even the part of the system that really helped me the part was the clubhouse portion of the system which is funded a lot by the system but it's very different and so I'm just I feel almost like a hypocrite in a way like by by being well and working in the system I'm almost being like oh the system helped me when it didn't help me that much it helped me somewhat but since I've been trying to work in the system it's actually hurt me a lot more than when I was not working the system because I see how it's structured and it's just I think I see it and and it really bothers me and it's one of those very sensitive things and they talked about in the highly sensitive person talk that a person is a highly sensitive person has depth of processing over stimulation empathy and awareness of subtleties so if I think about everything that I've talked about in the 70 videos I've put on a playlist that i haven't yet released but i might one day it's all related to that so I almost feel like my supposed mental illness mi which have also called multi-dimensional awareness or multi-dimensional intelligence is what I called it I feel like what that highly sensitive people thing said is sort of like multi-dimensional intelligence it's being aware of so many more dimensions and when there's so many more dimensions it's a totally different way of processing than relying on one's ego compass the Eagle compass is very binary it's very either-or it's very simple and being able to process so much more and all those factors contribute to multidimensional intelligence part of it too is one sees the lack of intelligence in the way that we've designed society and I feel this intelligence wants us to be relational because that's the way we're designed to be I feel like I might have acquired epigenetic changes to make me into a highly sensitive person and it could have been the the trauma as it's called which opens one up to more spectrum it maybe makes a person were aware in this society in order to avoid that in the future and and it could be mistaken as okay avoid everything now that this is happening for a kind of the fourth time where I'm starting to I'm starting to retreat i'm starting to retract from the activities that i was moving towards it's almost like there's too much poison that that poison being aware of that all those factors the depth of processing the over / sensitivity or over stimulation it's like a poison that maybe changes me epigenetically in a way that i lose my focus i'm unable to focus on what it was that i was doing and i'm back in this sort of zoomed out mode of okay well what's really important right now so i spent some time with my family get lots of sleep and so it's really interesting i could think i could think that i am going into crisis or i could think that it's just not the right path and I've caught it really early this time [Music] and i really wonder if a lot of people that get diagnosed with a mental illness actually have this highly sensitive person quality because the person so much more sensitive that it would accumulate more allostatic load more stress and it could also be that one can't handle as much stress because the stress is what attacks the hippocampus and then memories and thoughts can't be sorted properly and then a person gets confused etc etc and then oh this person's mentally ill when it could almost be that certain people aren't designed to take that kind of stress so they'll start to design a reality that is not does not have that much stress in it because they can't really survive in it so there could be highly sensitive people that are able to kind of function but have to change their life to manage and then there's people that get diagnosed with a mental illness that become more or less non functional but it could just be a more extreme occurrence of being highly sensitive and and so there's this spectrum of sensitivity that is not accounted for because everything like science through which we view people in frame people is based on rationality but these people and like myself are not operating based on rationality we're operating based on a different intelligence it could be the intelligence of the heart could be the intelligence of the relational mind of empathy and then a lot of times a person might have so-called bad behavior and then you think well this person is being badly so how could they be connected to this other intelligence it gets to be like fight or flight a person goes into fight or flight for different reasons so she also talked about sensory processing sensitivity and there's being there's kids being born like this and this to me is similar to how I think a person can acquire this kind of sensitivity or it could also be to a lot of people after they go through post-secondary ordering that's when they have a so-called mental health crisis it's basically that the ego structures are false they're not real those aren't our real ways of sensing and processing and then it breaks down and then it's confusing because it's all new that's not how we're used to sensing and processing and so a person is behaving different and behaving odd and all these things and then they're seen as mentally ill when really the ego structure is false so it it could break down at any point and if we were never trained out of our sensitivity are learning are perceiving I don't feel like we would need or have this supposed mental illness reaction in order to try to get us to navigate with a different perception and compass and map we've been walking around drawing maps of our reality based on false conditioning again it's a different compass that's not logical and it's not valued and I actually feel it's suppressed it's not taken into consideration and it's pushed to the margins and the fringes and it goes along with the different lines of intelligent intelligence just like I was talking about with the autism spectrum it's a different line of intelligence and a lot of children acquire language takes longer but they have other intelligences that may or may not be allowed to flourish because logic doesn't see it I was thinking about algorithms a little bit and I was thinking that this high sensitivity or this extraordinary sensitivity is a different algorithm of what is made salient so the ego is a certain algorithm it's actually programmed into us through marketing through education so between TV and between the commercials on the internet and things and school and whatever else those are the things that we pick up that will be our compass by which we measure ourselves and navigate this reality and perhaps a highly sensitive person is is more perceptive to everything holistically so doesn't necessarily pick up the linear bits as easily because they're seeing the whole picture so it's harder for them to be programmed in that way so there seems to be this algorithm of deprogramming which is supposed crisis and then there's an algorithm of deprogramming which is happening through the autism spectrum and and those children are also highly sensitive to noise and different things oftentimes because there is too much information and there is too much noise and it's very difficult to sort what is meaningful and so with autistic children they have a difficult time sorting out what is meaningful what do these sounds mean and if they're so sensitive they could be hearing the sound of the furnace running and so that sound is interfering with their ability to pick up the discerning bits of sound and make sense out of them and if they're highly sensitive there's got to be some value to that high sensitivity and to also people that acquire this high sensitivity later in life through supposed mental illness or or and that's the thing with supposed mental illness that people become so sensitive they can pick up on things from the past possible futures they can extrapolate they can they can see and then create different pictures in their mind based on what they're processing and computing it's not necessarily mental illness it could just be an intelligence that logic and reason doesn't understand and it could be an intelligence beyond logic and reason we're programmed to ignore the intelligence of our body and whatever other intelligences we have i would say that some of my videos to me feel like depth of processing and awareness of subtleties and i talked a lot about empathy and over stimulation I feel like highly sensitive personhood and suppose it mental illness is just different intelligence along the spectrum and it could actually be the deprogramming algorithm because to me the main line of intelligence is dependent on how well we can be programmed and when we're programmed and we're rational we lose our sensitivity to these other intelligences these multi-dimensional intelligences to take a lot of things into consideration I actually feel like normality is how well we can be programmed and all the other aspects of consciousness and the way people are and the other intelligences are are devalued just because people can be programmed acquiring the sensitivity is acquiring a different compass and a different map think my heart is having an allergic reaction to working in mental illness it's like an aversion
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I wrote down something kind of interesting when I was editing my last video and maybe I'll just read it first and then talk a bit about it and the first bit of it isn't really as interesting to me as the last bit but here I go by remo tioning as the ego it destroys the brain by non-movement by the universe kind of like bedsores when a person is bedridden and unable to move physically we are blinded by our emotions so much of the same emotion causes re motion in the brain the same motions over and over again and we're not receptive to the movement of the universe which is always knew since the receptors of emotions are hijacked and we're over producing receptors of same old emotions all the time instead of having access to the wide spectrum of emotions and experiences and I was thinking about the epigenetics of perception and how if we were perceiving holistically with the universe and being repattern by the universe as we unfold with direct perception we'd always be creating new molecules of emotions we'd be creating different kaleidoscopes and variations all the time not the same ones by r.e.m oding Andrey motion in the brain so when I was thinking about the epigenetics of perception and how perception is required for epigenetics because there has to be some kind of signal on the outside of the cell for that to be happening on the inside of the cell when we perceive something we make a new molecule I feel that if we were to perceive in the kaleidoscopic Shin we would always be making new molecules and I think the new molecules would also have to come from creating new genes so not just epi genetics but i remember in bruce lipton stalk the biology of belief he talks about what he called genetic engineering genes and these are genes that actually write new genes and he gave an example of a certain type of bacteria that was put in a certain type of medium or solution that it had no genetics for fixing that problem because it was a toxic thing to the bacteria certain vials of the bacteria they actually started producing a product a molecule that would help them deal with this toxin they were able to process the toxin when they had no genetics to process the toxin so the environment creates the pressure to actually create the gene for the survival of the organism so I think some of this map consciousness could actually be that perception that environment it's a completely different environment it's a completely different perception and that perception is changing our genetics epigenetically but also likely through this genetic engineering gene process which isn't widely talked about and this makes sense in a way because we need to make new molecules based on our perception so for having new perceptions we're going to be creating new molecules and one of those molecules come from well they could come from recombinant DNA and epigenetic expression but there's a chance that it could also create new jeans and I feel like the selective pressure to create new genes would be if it was such a rich and diverse and varied and kaleidoscopic environment that we're perceiving so for perceiving the actual now it's going to be rich and diverse and it's going to create a selective pressure for us to actually create a whole kaleidoscope of different molecules as opposed to ones that we've been habituated to creating within ourselves and I think a lot of it could be epigenetics and that's why there's such a huge shift in map consciousness so immediately because it just turns on epigenetics and we're just creating different molecules and we're experiencing different things physiologically right away it doesn't take time and that's why this other state of consciousness can't be made into a goal because it's always now it's always changing if we create it as a goal we're thinking I know what that is I know what that looks like I know how that felt before when that state is actually always changing it's something that's always arising differently we can't actually grasp it as soon as we grasp it we're actually activating memory reflex and that's no longer the present moment and I think that's what the term surrender encompasses in a way so I wrote down that enough of this kind of perception changes the genetics in a heritable way so if it's temporary it it creates that temporary state within us epigenetically if it's more permanent than perhaps that's when the genetic engineering genes kick in and actually rewrite all the DNA in her body in a slightly different way and add in those jeans and then my brain totally extrapolated to the phenomena of autism I feel like the overemphasis on the prefrontal cortex and rationality and ego and me has created the environment within and it's mirrored without in society the whole society is designed around that which is the Selective pressure to not just epigenetically deactivate the prefrontal cortex which is what happens a lot in mania and manic consciousness and other phenomena people experience but since it's so prevalent and and so dangerous to gaya I feel that that re motion of the ego and those words in our own voice in our own head is the epigenetics is what we're perceiving that actually turned on genetic engineering genes to turn off the genes that require these children to acquire language and it's sad to notice that right when it's the time for these children to sort of turn on the process of acquiring language they all of a sudden become immune to learning it and they might have acquired some language and then Olson when it's really supposed to boot up it doesn't boot up and I think that those genetic changes were heritable from the collective over time being way too egocentric and it's gone to the point in in how the world is going that we can't be using language in this way against ourselves and against each other and as thinking that it is our self so it's really a war of words and and these new children are being born without having that same capacity to war over words and to turn themselves into words they can still continue to learn and play and one thing I realized too was a child that is on that spectrum of consciousness called autism requires even more love and even more unconditional love and that's very challenging to egocentric eagle conscious people and people that think oh my child should have been this and should him in that and are probably judging the child and not thinking that this child has different capacities for learning and then we actually have to adapt in order to allow them to flower because they're not going to flower in our egocentric society we need to be intelligent and how we support them and approach them and and they can read right through us even though they have no language they can read if we're in a bad mood or experiencing bad thoughts which we normally are and then they have a so-called tantrum and we think it's their problem they can read us and so they're almost part of the barometer of are we going to allow these children to flourish by actually reevaluating ourselves and how we created them to be that way so this thought dopamine reflex this pleasure seeking has turned off the genetics in perhaps a genetic engineering gene way to this next generation because we can't have another generation of purely egocentric pleasure seekers they need a different environment for learning not sitting in a chair listening to words and in the same way map consciousness that's changing DNA and changing our physiology to a less egocentric way of being and then we're deemed non-functional it's a different way of functioning and I also thought that it's possible that the ego develops because in school at the age of six or seven we're starting to be programmed into memorizing and that is learning is memorizing supposedly and so when we take learning and memory to be intelligence when we're rewarded based on what we can remember then in a way it makes sense that the ego would be created as a mirror of that so internally we're always remembering past thoughts and experiences and we mistake that again as intelligence and as learning because we were just taught that that's how to learn so it could be just a mirror of the conditioning of school and it's probably there's a lot more to it than that but I just thought it was interesting that parallel and we also think learning is repetition so the ego is repeating itself as well and a lot of people hear voices other voices than their own and I think the ego is still another voice it's still the voice people often say the voices while this is the voice and it's even more deceptive because it's in our own voice but those all came from somebody else we didn't actually think up any of that stuff ourselves we just memorize it and recorded it maybe because we're put into memorizing in recording mode when were in school and so we start taking that on in our daily life we think we need that kind of knowledge psychological knowledge in order to operate and so the point of my videos for myself talking to myself is not just re contextualizing but also awakening this process of intelligence and i feel like i was first awakened to it in map consciousness but it was like an explosion and it was difficult to channel that energy so part of me talking to myself is finding an outlet to channel that energy before I would just write and write and write and I was thinking oh I could write a book or something but that's too much of a delay that's again this accumulation thing and I'm I'm doing a little bit better with just writing something and then maybe the next day making a video above it instead of this big accumulation and I was thinking about how I was talking in the last video about how map consciousness is like a recalibration being calibrated back to the full spectrum of consciousness of the universe and and it seems to me that we are habituated and calibrated to our ego and I also feel like the remotion of thinking of the ego thinking process of thought is what distorts the brain it creates scar tissue by over activation of that certain area I was thinking of manic consciousness or trans consciousness as the intelligence of gestures of kind gestures in the moment because what else can one really do in the moment and hopefully this is a gesture of kindness to myself by making these videos and unfolding meaning and maybe it activates the mirror neurons of the common brain and oxytocin as well as epigenetic changes i think oxytocin causes a lot of the epigenetic changes and there's probably a lot more to the words I'm using if they're slightly scientific is just to sort of represent that there is some kind of molecule or molecules that is released when we are relational when we are in that empathetic consciousness and trans consciousness just like if a person witnesses a kind act i read that there's a study that that person is more likely to act kind for four hours so that's more powerful than reading a chapter of a book for example and it's a different reward system that's not really about reward at all because rewarded something that implies future if I do this and I'll get a future reward whereas this process is actually it can only happen if someone's in the present moment it's the mind that has the concept of reward is it reward or is it just learning is it just how we're designed to actually be I think back to dr. Daniel seagulls comment about the mind uses the brain to create itself and i think the oxytocin circuits are more powerful in creating the mind as in the collective mind that collective vision that we all want right now the brain is being used by thought in our own voice to recreate itself to recreate the world of thought which is all this division and conflict and I was talking about gestures as endo memes in a way like a gesture can be produced by an endo meme which is a perception that creates a meme and a gesture at the same time and the more we do this through embodied mania through harvest practice and body in the moment the less will have to be epic gestured by the universe which that epi gesture by the universe in map consciousness at least the first time feels like we're kind of just riding the wave and we have no control which is have to ride the wave straight and I feel like once we practice more through endo means and creating those neural circuits not only can we ride the wave but we can be creative in how we leave down the wave as it as it crests we can be creative in the way we ride the wave down we can be have fun with it we can do a lot of other things not just ride the wave as it would have us write it if we don't know how to if we don't know how to have fun with it and so I feel like autism is a guy 'ok phenomenon it's guy are responding to our dopamine dominant thought culture and it's trying to produce a different line of intelligence the trouble is when different lines of intelligence try to spring up most of the time the thought structures of professionals come in and squash it so perhaps since it's sort of failed by producing it after say one finishes high school or early in university that's a lot of that's often when a person goes through this transformation to be like don't become a professional follow your heart but a person gets squashed into the medical paradigm so now Gaia is trying to do the same thing but with kids and change their consciousness before we even have a chance to program but how will we respond again we'll probably totally screw up these poor children who are meant to actually be allowed to flower in a different way by not having those language circuits in the same way they probably have other circuits but we just don't have the circuits in external reality that the objects the space the whatever an external reality for them to flower in that way because we've created a society based on our thinking process and are perceiving in our wave of experiencing and being things and the very narrow band that we say is allowable for a person to be we can't just direct their consciousness to the narrow band of the prefrontal cortex they so called tantrum because our reality as it's designed is poison to them it's just no ways and we've allowed this noise to shape our brains but it's gotten to the point where it's too noisy and and making sense out of the noise for these young children is it's very difficult likely because there's too much of it and I feel too that they won't be hearing their own voice talking in their head and they won't be learning based on memory so in that way they won't have the same sort of ego voice turned in against themselves and so this is like emergency measures for consciousness attempting to save itself from thought and language viruses and they have a more clear mind screen because they don't have these inner words and images polluting their mind screen and so they're very much more sensitive to patterns and they can read us so easily just like a baby like they're born they can read if we're smiling at them or whatever and that's a baby so these children actually maintain that sensitivity and whereas a lot of children when they learn language they can be reasoned with and shown rationality and things so you can actually like pretend that you're happy when you're maybe angry and the kid will buy into it they're more gullible because of that and I also came up with a funny word transformation dopamine goes to dopamine unless maybe that's why I have trouble working in the mental illness paradigm is because all the gestures within the paradigm are about mental illness are trying to fix someone about mental illness and all the intentions and to me that's not the root so it's it's troublesome and so I see that and I I definitely struggle with it and then if I'm working within that and experiencing those types of gestures towards myself and others it could make me seem unwell and then almost justify to myself that I'm having some kind of mental health problem I was thinking about learning and how when one is learning all the time without accumulating one doesn't have time to consider right and wrong because right and wrong is the judgment of the ego mind the learning is self-evident and then dropped and it's a continuous process always unfolding and one doesn't have time to pick out one variable and then study it that means with learning something new every moment all the variables conspire to inspire something new on the mind screen with every breath and all the variables present a pattern on the mine screen that then will allow us to create vocalization about it in linear terms so we can create the linear we can bring it into the linear realm but right now we're imprisoned by the linear realm of our own voice and I think the logic of the heart is a pelagic and epi rationality empathy and map consciousness are extrapolating beyond one's personal ego so there's a lot more information there's a lot more richness and overreacting can be reinterpreted as seeing so much more information implied in one event and I talked before about how thinking about things and then science often is an accumulation of inaction by say studying one variable for ten years when one could been out and learning with infinite variables as each moment unfolds in infinity and so this collective accumulation of inaction requires the science and the professionals because of the inaction because we're not just seeing and doing so dopamine keeps us in control suppose it control by constantly reacting to the same old images and it keeps us in control of our emotions because we actually have an infinite spectrum of which we can experience but actually since we're only allowed to experience a certain small spectrum this sort of dopamine reward circuit is almost like if you behave in this perfect way of this linear way of society these ethics and morals that we've decided then you will get the rewards you will get the job you will get whatever but we're not experience the richness of what it is to be human being so even if we do so-called succeed in society we've largely unfulfilled because we've been tricked into believing that conformity is happiness so we can change the content slightly in our mind screen and this just gives us enough variation to have a little bit of meaning in the day to get through the day and I do think that science is an action it's like saying well when ten years we'll have enough evidence to take action and by then it'll be too late for so many people I think it's actually contrived it's sort of like okay here's the best evidence-based practice and it's not really that great and in the meanwhile it's like we're creating the next level of evidence-based practice just to make it ever so slightly better for people to make it seem like we're actually making a difference to justify this kind of paradigm I was thinking that information overload is sort of like not having the context to take action and right now I'm sort of in in action talking to myself face but I'm actually planning some action and planning for that action and with this process that I have right now just self dialogue with my phone I don't really need that much but a phone and high-speed Internet there's a different ethics in mania and manic consciousness and trans consciousness directed by oxytocin and we and togetherness and those create different gestures and different actions perhaps the gesture of our ego dopamine reflex and the resulting actions that creates that isolates us is also creating children isolated in their own world and having difficulty relating to this meaningless world we've created be something if we created some kind of meaningful world it might be sad to think that these children are missing out and not being able to participate in it but it's mostly a load of crap I also thought of mania as infinite inconsistency it's important to be inconsistent and keep the degrees of freedom going I think we're afraid of the unknown so our ego keeps us feeling like we're in this realm most of the known things we know things that are comfortable and even if there's something that's uncomfortable we block it out with the ego that rationalizes it away so when map consciousness comes in or we don't have this ego voice lulling us to sleep we experience the unknown and since it's unfamiliar and it's unknown it's it's interpreted as scary so it could be this unknown realm could be say a hundred thousand different variations of rich experience but since we don't recognize them we get we get afraid and we interpreted a scary even though it might not even be something that is scary so we have a fear of the unknown so when we're afraid we can start projectory since why we should be afraid and it's almost like what we've gone out outside of our comfort zone of our own ego thought structure and there's something coming in that might change the way we think or change the way we perceive or something and that's pretty terrifying because we want to be comfortable with the way we see so it's actually trying to just change our eyes it's trying to get us to realize the real lies and part of the reason we don't recognize when we're in that unknown realm is because the recognizer is absent the recognizer is the re cognition it sorry cognition of past thoughts and we're not recon izing then we're in the unknown and we can be interpreting that as if as a fearful thing so I wonder if we can look from a space beyond recognition look for the new if we're looking at somebody we already know can we look for different distinguishing features and maybe at first we do that consciously like what can I find differently and maybe eventually by looking for differences instead of the same old thing that we're talking about in our own voice in our own head we might start to see things differently and that could be seen as dangerous because then we might have to change if we start seeing things differently I feel like map consciousness is the gesture of consciousness of the universe to reconnect us with the motion of the University unfoldment of the universe and this is infinite learning and learning as I think the same as compassion it's not judging and we can't be judging because if we're judging we're not learning we need to remove the re motion mechanism in order to be moved by the universe and I was talking about the rudder it's like we have a dopamine rudder our rudder our ego consciousness compass is just dopamine at the apex of it all which is related to our own voice we're hypnotized by our own voice and our nervous system is only to tune in to our ego and it's arising desires and consciousness so it's hijacked consciousness and written over that space of consciousness to give n don't mimetics and gestures and that's why my consciousness comes in to wipe that out sort of squash it like a fly on the wall and then recalibrate us and our nervous system has been desensitized by the sound of our own voice we can't hear the universe and it's hearing the universe isn't about actually listening like this it's it's seeing with our heart and that produces different very subtle sound inside so our nervous system has been desensitized by over emphasis on the me
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last night I did a little sharing of my story with a family group of people that our loved ones of people diagnosed with mental health conditions and the first hour they do their class material and then the second hour I share my story and I've done it a couple of times before and so I was actually struck by the conversation that happened they read a part of the material that says recovery is the development of a new ego and identity structures to replace those damaged by our illnesses recovery is about wellness that is the redevelopment of a new and healthier personality and lifestyle an independent personality that is strong enough to stand on its own recovery takes place through creation of new patterns of behavior that make our lives more satisfying and productive and from that there was a conversation by the parents and loved ones and they were kind of saying how their loved ones are in the grief stage of they can't get back to who they were before so when I shared my story I talked about that i believe it is about creating a new self you can't really get back to the one that you were before and i didn't really say but if a person gets stuck in the grief face it's going to make it so one can't really move into this phase of rediscovery and recreation of oneself and that may include some of the old structures and then this sheet goes on to be like oh you got to give up your hopes and dreams and build a dream of lesser whatever and stuff which is kind of old thinking but they're trying to put it in like a positive light but i still think that it's important to harvest one's mania if one had mania and move towards that not just about developing patterns of behavior and personality structures to help one function as a cog in the machine of the society because it's a cog in the machine of society that we're all suffering from uncertain number of us go into these supposed crisis mental illness states and it's a state of connecting with a different compass that wants us to create a different reality or we don't have to go into these states of crisis it's trying to show us something it's trying to show us that we're all one thing we're all one consciousness and we need to co-create towards that so that's why I don't really believe in personal recovery to just personally recover enough function to somewhat function in society and that's why I feel like I've done the best one I've been living in community or had a lot of interactions that are just based on being human and not really focused on mental illness at all so I was pretty inspired by just hearing their dialogue before I spoke I didn't say anything about it I was just listening to them but it seems like ever since that time I shared a couple of months ago and the woman said she's starting to believe her son that hey if we all acted this way we would create a different world or something whatever she said each time I go to something mental health-related it's usually a pleasant surprise and the perspective people are taking and and the one lady at the group yesterday even said well if they went back to their original personality that would just mean they would be back to beginning again they would be mentally ill again because that sort of was part of what caused the mental illness it was it was concurrent with the occurrence of the supposed mental illness and I was like wow that's kind of spot on because i think i might have said that before where someone new has to come into play so I definitely grieved the loss of my former self for several months but then I went like okay well I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain now so let's see what happens so I find it interesting that it's right in the literature of a family support group class that basically we need to create a new self and that's why I've talked about embodied mania and harvesting and practicing and embodying some of the grief is at least four people that go into mania is grieving the loss of manic consciousness but we can still move toward that and I was talking yesterday about how when it comes to psychosis they often say oh wait more it happens the worse it gets and I think the more it happens the more one gets medicated in its justification for more and more and different and its justification for more and more medication and then that makes it worse and because not getting resolved or move through and then it just makes it seem like what gets worse each time when they don't necessarily say well each time we medicate more we whatever because i had my fourth psychosis and I was put on medication that made it worse and then when I was taken off that medication within a month or so I was back to myself so had I stayed on that medication I likely would have continued to get worse which would have looked like oh I'm getting worse because i had another psychosis blah blah blah when the two times before i was out in and out of the hospital within 10 days and then back to normal activities so I I knew and I know that it happens doesn't mean it's going to make me deteriorate to a worse off state because that hasn't been the case and I think it could be also that through this process of rediscovering and recreating myself I've actually recreated a self of version of myself that is more in alignment with manic consciousness and what I experienced in mania and relational aspects and things like that so when I go into a crisis date and I come out of it I'm kind of back to how I was because it's more real whereas the initial crisis was trying to break down a lot of the false structures and then through living in community I was able to build a different relational self and that could be where a lot of my my strength is is that i have that community and i made some notes when editing my videos from yesterday and i was thinking about how my intention with these videos is to open the doors of my mind and your mind and that is my gesture that's the gesture of these words that's the intention because i was thinking about how gestures are more powerful so if this is all condensed into one gesture it's sort of learning in self dialogue in order to keep this brain learning and use this brain instead of having the brain use me and that's a thing with being diagnosed with something it's often now the brain is using me because it has this pathological diagnosis so everything I do is based on avoiding things around that diagnosis and I prefer to thrive dive and revive and I was thinking how this learning and always learning and not accumulating as J Krishnamurti would say it's always different and so it's a different motion it's a motion that is always unfolding and changing as it unfolds whereas thinking is sort of this circular reflex in the brain so I was thinking that thinking is actually our emotions not as an REE motion but Reid motion it's the same motion happening in the brain which is circular so it's actually in action because it's talking about something from the past so the brain can be in motion unfolding always seeing something new and Christian already talked about compassion and how it's always new it's always different it's always changing and so compassion that word that static word encompasses that unfolding and I was thinking that matic consciousness is kind of like compassion then because every moment is so different and rich and diverse and new it's almost like the learning process I'm going through right now through self dialogue but actually in interaction with actuality out there this is the gesture of the intention for my brain to be learning in this way and learning through self dialogue but it can also be in dialogue with actual people out in actuality and it's a very powerful process when that happens so I think manic consciousness is actually similar to compassion which is similar to empathy in that it's always different it depends on the moment it depends what you're perceiving what you're perceiving is what you're empathizing with otherwise you're not empathizing because you're not actually seeing it and this re motion of the brain which is thought doing similar motions or the same motion over and over again and repeating itself is tied to re emoting which is really motivate or it could be different emotions but they're linked to dopamine because we derive some kind of pleasure out of those emotions by as dr. David Hawkins would say by taking a position allottee by taking a position by judging by comparing by measuring we're getting some kind of juice as he would say and he said mainly the only process is to surrender the juice that you get out of taking a position ality and I was thinking also how motion catches our attention and I was talking about that in the last video and so if we're always re motioning with thought same motion similar motion same ten or a hundred thoughts every day we're naturally going to be habituated to it and we're not even really going to notice that it's going on like that and when we get habituated to it we get bored and so we're bored in our life just because we're always hearing our boys going on we're not actually perceiving what's happening now now I've talked about already how the images of the ego thought process get in the way of the mind screen and pure perception which is learning so this remotion over over of thinking so I could think of thinking in the ego as our emotions and creating motion out of old past experiences by going from image to image to image of the past it's old motion it's not being in touch with the motion and what's going on in the patterns of the present moment and we would never get bored of that but we get bored because we have this remotion going on in our head and we're habituated to it and that is the habit so when that's going on and talking it to us it's sort of lulling us to sleep so we can go through our habitual day and the thing with habits that I thought of is that it becomes a habit when we can do it automatically and then let this voice just start droning on again so the voice is going on and we're bored and we're doing our habits so we're kind of living this really boring life so if we were always doing new things or perceiving and new and learning and knew we wouldn't have that voice or we can't have that voice going on because that voice comes on when we are in habit mode so we're nearly always inhabit mode and that's why when we're driving we're just thinking of old things and and and that goes on and on so they always talk about forming new habits and to me it just means do something new to turn off that voice for a while and actually focus and then do it enough times that it becomes so automatic in the neural networks that now you can just start talking about the past again and boring yourself to tears so memory is a movement of the past meeting the movement of the present and we're not moved by the present were moved by our paths were animated by our ego thought memory complexes were not animated by interacting with the present moment we can't unfold as the present moment with the present moment when we r re unfolding old memories and again it's just painful memory Oh lacking dopamine pleasant memory Oh dopamine and just back and forth like that so we become this like binary compasses I made come this rudder on a boat you have to pull this way and you got to go that way and you got to go this way and you got to go that way to in order to go in a straight line and then that's our ego habit and then we call that our personality we call that our self and then when Manic consciousness or some other process and that energy comes in and breaks it up and we're confused and lost and scared and and perceiving all these things that we probably missed along the way we think that we've lost something special when it's that process that's trying to help break up this habitual thing there's so much other about reach your goals develop a new habit are we robots and I realize this dopamine reflex of the ego images is like a protective mechanism and I can't remember if I talked about it but by having these images on our minds screen and just reacting to that we don't actually have to react and see what's happening in the present moment so what's happening in the present moment unfolds as something new every second and it's a very rich and diverse process but we're processing our old images so by doing that we're giving ourselves comfort and security that we have some kind of control over things when really we're just supposedly controlling the images in our mind and supposedly choosing the images in our mind that doesn't have anything to do at this moment and by doing that process we're lulling ourselves to sleep and allowing ourselves to become habits and by becoming habits we feel safe because we don't really go outside our comfort zone much and it has nothing to do with actuality it's just this image process in our mind that's keeping us in habit by talking about the past and it's probably talking about the past because we're doing the same old thing we become this habit so it's talking about something old because we're not actually doing anything new and so we're living our whole lives and our minds like that we're not actually present so I don't think that forming habits is the way to live a rich life these past images giving us this hit of dopamine makes us feel like we're actually living because we get this little hit of pleasure and we only know pleasure pain and the few emotions that go along with them we don't understand all this other spectrum of consciousness and experience mainly because we're afraid of it will not tuned into it and I think manic consciousness and map consciousness comes in in order to try to attune us to that so it breaks up the old ego structures which automatically makes us vulnerable to going anywhere from the highest ecstasy to the lowest of the low but we need to go through the entire spectrum in this process of map consciousness in order to for us to really feel for real to actually feel for real instead of just having a fear by producing fearful images in our head of the past and fearing what might happen we get to experience extreme terror and a lot of times it'll play like stories and delusions and hallucinations of why it is we're feeling that way because it's relating well these are the types of experiences that would give you this sensation and they're not having to now but this is what other people have experienced in the world when they've had these terrible awful experiences and it feels like one is experiencing those things and also for to the highest but it's a way for us to actually tune our nervous system into the proper thousand or 10,000 or 100,000 possible unique empathetic unfolding experiences that arise in consciousness when we're actually one in relationship with what it is that we are unfolding so I feel like it's a retuning process and it can be scary as crap it's like restart its recalibration it's recalibrating our nervous system our nervous system and our nerves and everything has been hijacked by just dopamine and the me and the past images of the me and worrying about oneself and when one's worrying about oneself as in one's past images one's not actually in the present moment and not experiencing the richness of that so in order for us to actually experience the richness of that we need this gris calibration process and so we don't notice our voice because it's always on we don't notice that we're talking in our own voice and since it's always on we take it to be something valuable in ourselves and when we get in the state of awe when we see a beautiful sunset for example it turns out for a second and we feel one with that experience and sometimes people feel that and they're like I want that back and then they try things to get that back and then map consciousness comes in and is trying to get rid of that voice or get rid of the way that voice it's using us in our own heads and so it's an awe experience but ah is a word to describe infinite experiences within that aw it's not this is what I is or oh this is what gave me off so I'm going to do that again and expect to get off and when we're in map consciousness it's an empathetic state it's one with the moment and so whatever one perceives one feels and it can be really confusing because if one actually perceives and feels one's going to act in a different way versus not actually perceiving because once in one's ego consciousness that voice is blocking true perception and rationalizing things so when we have that voice were not guided by the motion of the universe because we're remo tioning with our mind and by doing that it basically destroys the brain and when we're always Remo tioning in this way we're not allowing new neural pathways to develop because we're reinforcing old ones that create those images and feelings it's tied into the feelings too because we amote and that creates the compliment in terms of neural peptides in the body and I was thinking about how when we're always releasing the same few emotional molecules in the body there's more receptors for those and those receptors are the actual musical score of our body they're like the notes of our body on each of ourselves they're what our cells can perceive and since we're always Remo tioning with our brain we're creating those receptors in our body and the more we do the same emotions I actually down regulate the receptors so we need more of those emotions in order to get our fix of the emotion and likely the dopamine too so that's always wanting more and more and more something different we want something different that's going to give us the same emotion so it's actually the same thing it's the same experience all the time because it's the same or the same few emotions whereas if we weren't desiring those emotions and addicted to our emotions we would actually perceive in the moment and have a different motion being moved by the universe and perceiving and learning every moment which gives us energy and really what we want is that energy and dopamine gives us like a little any shot of it but when we're learning and perceiving we have a different form of energy and I think it's an energy that creates lots of new neural pathways in the brain and variations in the neuropeptides and things in the body so then it's varied and we don't get stuck on any one thing especially when we get to the point where we realize that we really don't need to get stuck on any one thing because there's always something new to learn coming and so we allow it to unfold as us and move us and we don't have to seek it out so the motion of learning replaces the remotion of me and my memories and the remotion of memories is REM oding dopamine and i think there's a different intention behind this motion and I think the motion has something to do with intelligence beyond the ego re motion is not intelligence and I was thinking it's more difficult to learn by taking in someone's words because someone's words actually has two right over the words in one's own voice so let's get through with that barrier and one's own voice ego is always looking to confirm what it already thinks to be true so it will only let in things that confirm the associations that's already making the ego doesn't do very much extrapolating and inferring and hypothesizing or pattern recognition and I was thinking about how harvesting and embodying one's mania and practicing one's mania and altruism those are all gestures and I think those gestures are more powerful at changing one's voice inside there's value in getting rid of the voice but in the meantime to change the voice if we change how we are and that's why I feel like since I was able to help out so much in the beginning after having a crisis I didn't as much self stigmatize as they say because I was being helpful i was being useful i was being part of the community I felt like I belonged so that wouldnt 8ly change one's in her voice or change one's story or reframe what happened to one if one is able to do those sort of gestures we're sitting on the couch the gesture of just sitting there is not going to do anything to change that so action can work to change the Apple weighs a bit more so than words and that's why I'm looking forward to getting in the action phase and I also think that the gestures right over the old patterns implicit in the voice and the story and memories that the voice is choosing to speak about it's not just writing over the voice in a linear fashion it's actually the voice is going to create different words and stories based on the patterns inside and the patterns insider usually due to one's actions or maybe the patterns received from outside and I think that's part of what manic consciousness does is trying to repattern us by giving us different gestures and actions and degrees of reading because not only does it free us to recalibrate to the entire spectrum of consciousness and empathy it also in at the same time when being calibrated is also calibrating different actions and gestures that we didn't even know we are necessarily capable of until we were recalibrated in this way so after being recalibrated one can have a really scary experience where one might think they might kill somebody because they're in that state of consciousness and one can live the rest of their life and fear that oh my gosh I thought that or I had that urge but to me it's a calibration and that way moving forward in the harvest practice and body we can choose what it is we want to reinforce in our neural networks and as we reinforce those higher gestures and higher states of consciousness the likelihood of us going into a space where we're going to feel that again is less and it's more about being calibrated to that and seeing that possibility and seeing how that happens to people and having some empathy for people that go through that more so than thinking that one is going to necessarily become that it's about calibrating empathy I was thinking about my thinking process and how my brain doesn't think in terms of circular ego loops and so usually when I have a thought it's more like an insight it's just like a total sentence it's a total complete thought in 11 go and it's not really in my own voice it's more like a silent whisper I don't even really hear it I just sort of know it and most the time when I think in that way it's something i want to write down and other than that I don't really think unless it's something that are wanting to write down when I speak in conversation i would say that i just opened my mouth and speak so when i do that i don't have even that whisper at all it's more like it just comes out when i open my mouth so there's no whisper the whisper is more if i want to write something down and it could be that manic consciousness and map consciousness is suppressed allostatic load all the things that we didn't deal with and that goes along with what i was saying about how our muscles tense over time and then when we get freed of that well where does all that energy go when we're freed of that tension it can easily come into our consciousness and feed us images of past present possible future of self and other because it could be other two because if something happened to me and it's like stored in a muscle and that's released when i'm in manic consciousness that storage could actually be not just what happened but everything that led up to that happening so it it could be stored in the muscle not just as this was the event but all the extrapolations and inferences in that all those extrapolations and inferences are now available to my consciousness in that i can recognize those patterns and see the possibility of something similar happening and that's why i think people get like really anxious and stuff because all of society is designed for not the greatest things to happen to people and so that's also why when it's released when one goes into the lower end of the spectrum of map consciousness one feels all those things relating to that event and all the extrapolations not just oh that was a painful event for me and one can also see how it relates to other people and so it's it's like an unfolding and very rich thing to be able to extrapolate all the empathy related to that thing and everything that led up to that and it could almost be that when one gets calibrated to the spectrum of map consciousness after the fact one can utilize that empathy moving forward to inform how one wants to embody one's mania and harvest practice and body it wouldn't include things that led up to that event because one was able to go through it and see all the subtle nuances and why one would not want to participate in that
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it's so interesting that I was talking so much about dopamine brain in my last videos I think and then I listen to this talk by J Krishnamurti and David Bohm it was the 12th talk they had in 1975 and it's a really amazing bunch of conversations or dialogues and one could probably listen to it a million times over and get something different and I listened to it a number of months ago but when I listen to it this time everything they were talking about was exactly what I was saying with regard to the dopamine brain but they didn't say dopamine they said desire which is the same as pleasure and they are even talking about thought and thought is the same in a way as the ego but the ego sounds like an actual thing whereas thought is just individual thoughts which is one's voice and one's own head and they were basically talking about how that process is self-deception pretty much creating pleasure responses in order to deceive oneself because it's just getting pleasure from images so it's not really related to reality and i'll probably do a video soon about that because there were so many parallels but the one that was most incredible was at the end when Krishnamurti was talking about compassion he was talking about the word compassion and he was saying that word just really has effect on you like it's amazing but then what he was saying was that compassion is always different it's a mystery it's always different it's always a Infinite and he was really talking about that for not very long but it reminded me of what I was seeing about how I was talking about the inner human dimensions and how it might arise as play or as love or as spontaneity and then I went on to say that it's really always different each moment and that's sort of what he was saying about the word compassion that it's an unfolding and it's always different in that state of love Beauty truth is also compassion which is always different it's not a certain thing that was really interesting to me that that whole talk was sort of a mirror of what I was saying to myself in self dialogue and I think that endogenous biomolecules of the ego voice that are created when we're listening to our ego voice are different than when we're listening to the endo means of direct perception of actuality and interestingly enough I watched a Jason Silva video today on can we change the past and he was talking a lot about what it is I'm doing in a way because he was talking about if we reframe our story we actually changed the past because we're writing over that other store and we tele tell ourselves and i'll get to more of that later but he was pretty much describing exactly what it is that I'm doing so in a way it's becoming less congruent for me to work in mental health because I'm creating all this other context I'm trying to tell myself a different story and reframe and recontextualize even use the word recontextualize and that's what this is I'm recontextualizing this mental illness diagnosis based on what I perceived initially and I'm harvesting that and I've always had that held close to my heart but I've never spoken about it and I still don't have people to speak to about it so I'm just talking to myself and I was thinking about what is the quote unquote reward of the other state when we're not in a dopamine dominant brain state and I feel like it's actually the energy when we have direct perception we truly understand something we get energy we get a bit of a jolt of energy and we can't understand something when we're in our ego voice consciousness and it's wasting our energy so that waste of energy is preventing us from seeing which makes sense because we're meeting and that's preventing the eyes from actually directly perceiving something it's too busy creating impressions of past memories to take proper impressions of the reality all around so that other state is learning understanding creating playing and it would be always different each moment like the state of compassion and the unfolding of the inner human dimensions and in that way since it's always changing and always unfolding and we're not going back to past memory knowledge which is a waste of energy and interferes with the unfolding process then we're always regenerating that energy because we're not wasting it and when we're always learning and understanding in that way and getting energy we don't feel the need for pleasure pleasure is given its proper place and I think the manic consciousness experience gives us an imprint of something else to move toward and I wrote that and then when I looked at the Timothy Leary book he talks about imprints he talks about imprinting the Taoist experience by taking LSD well I don't think it's necessary to take LSD in order to have that imprinted I think the universe does it for us in a lot of circumstances and we can sometimes take different substances to get that imprint if we need it but it only gives us the imprint and it's like a map that we have to move towards creating that's our free well as human beings is to move towards creating the imprint from the universe or move towards recreating this society that has been created by thought and I think that's part of the harvest germania is to go back to that imprint and play the game of moving back towards that not play the game of trying to reintegrate into the game of society and I think both can be balanced and I think the thing with it too is to try to get back to that manic imprint there's probably infinite paths and there's no path at the same time it's just a big experiment it's not like well I'm going to step 1 i'm going to do this step 2 i'm going to do this that's not going to get us back there it's going to get us back in the same cog in the machine of society that we're already trying to be funneled back into and i think it's still okay to be funneled back but also keep this other awareness in mind it's like having a dual awareness of what's happening and what's possible and so that imprint by embodying armenia we can move back to the imprint and i think it imprints it in our whole body organism in our brain in our nervous system in our neurology it's an it's a map it's a different map besides the ego map which is just the few associative memories and things we choose to remember about our experiences and repeat this gives us an entire map so we don't have to repeat anything and it's actually it's actually not supposed to be made into any sort of habit that's the thing with map consciousness that comes in and it breaks our habits and we're free society tries to make us into habits so then we're predictable thought is fear of uncertainty and that's why it it thinks it knows because it's afraid of uncertainty it doesn't know how to not know because thought innately is a pseudo mechanism of knowing but it's actually false it's actually delusion its self deception its pleasure seeking within the images in our memory banks in order to help us move through the present moment which actually makes us incongruent uncertainty is required for learning and the learning state is the only state where we're always learning something new and so it's always unfolding differently and in this way we get energy and we don't use the dopamine circuits to repeat old images to give us pleasure and avoid the painful memories and with that David Bowman Krishnamurti talk they said we don't know how to use our brains or how the brain should operate and that's so true and I think manic consciousness tries to show us a different way to use our minds and brains that were not used to and it takes a bit of getting used to and it could almost be that the only thing that needs getting used to is breaking from all of our habit structures it could just be that cold lingering habits structures are getting in the way and not that we're really struggling operating in that other mode that's usually when it gets scary when the ego starts to come in and mix with that process and it's pretty difficult to prevent that from happening because society is so based on the ego that it just starts to come back it's almost like with each entry way into the map consciousness it might actually get stronger within us the mental health system is loves to say Oh each time you go into that crisis state or psychosis or whatever is going to be worse and worse maybe it's better and better maybe it's like strength training I think Timothy Leary mentions in his book the term epistemology and epistemology definition is the theory of knowledge especially regarding its methods validity and scope and I feel like I'm creating new knowledge for myself by having self dialogue and the method is harvesting my mania and different map consciousness states that I've experienced and also by talking to myself self dialogue and the validity is subjective it's endo mimetic it's also I think I need a different term for endo means that are harvested versus endo memes that are perceived in the moment so I have some endo memes from considering my earlier states of map consciousness five and a half years ago and then I have endo means that I'm actually creating and seeing by unfolding and writing so some is it sums old sums nous sommes borrowed son's blew it seems like a different process when the memes come from endo memes I'm not sure what it is it's like this I can look at the original imprint from the map consciousness and and develop memes and then there's memes that come out of writing down those memes and then talking about them I'm not sure I also didn't consider how it's going to get dark I also looked up the term semantics which is the study of meaning and I think that I'm creating some manic semantics for myself it could even be semantics instead of semantics semantics structure and it also looked up pragmatics which is the study about the way in which context contributes to meaning so i think i'm creating through self dialogue at least with myself my own manic pragmatics or pragmatics i'm creating lots of context not to say it's factual per se but it's just contacts that's contributing to the meaning making process there's the context that is prevalent in society which is that it's pathological mental illness and I'm talking to myself about a different context because if I frame my experience within the context that is prevalent it has a completely different meaning than if I frame it within a context that I'm co-creating with myself by self dialogue and I don't even feel like I can frame my experience within mental illness pathology it's against my religion I listen to another Krishnamurti talk and he said meditation is unpremeditated art it's really interesting because that's why he says there's no path there's no system to meditation if you can't plan it you can't say oh I'm going to meditate and that's going to mean I'm in meditation by sitting there because if it's premeditated it's not meditation so it has to be unpremeditated art and he talks about how meditation is in daily life in daily actions it's not about sitting there quietly for 20 minutes to go on and be rude to people the rest of the day for example that serves no purpose it's more like being able to calm oneself down so one can go out again and be an ass and that's why I struggle with even certain programs about bipolar being like well let's learn to behave so we can fit in in the COG of machine to society which is the problem in the first place when this transformative consciousness is trying to get us to transform so we can transform the world I found a little light I wonder how long it takes before sitting at a park in one's car generates suspiciousness I started to listen to the Krishnamurti and David Bohm talk and they were talking about how the knowledge of good and evil was sort of the fall of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden now singing myself it wasn't necessarily that they chose evil which is generally implied in the knowledge of good and evil I think it's actually that they know good and evil they know right and wrong they know good from bad which was probably their own personal measure of what was right and wrong what's good and bad which is the whole dopamine reflex so I feel like it's actually the dopamine reflex that they chose which is the measure of the mind which is programmed by the ego and society which I guess there was no ego to program it but it was like that was the first move of society versus oneness and it's also related to making judgments and I was thinking about what I said before how the brain is like a spaceship it's like a time travel device it moves us through space and time and our inner space and inner time is created by the ego and so when the universe gives us map consciousness or sort of like a psychedelic experience we're going into uncharted territories but at the same time we're charting that territory we're mapping it we're creating that imprint within ourselves and I was thinking too that the ego creates inner space and time and is always moving us away from now through its remembrances of the past and in dopamine and I feel like map consciousness it leads us all over the place in a way in inner space and time even to the collective unconscious in human history to actually get us back to the present moment it's almost like all of those seconds of one's life which is most one's life going astray one has to go through all this other territory to actually get back to the present moment and Timothy Leary mentioned in this book that phrase domestication of consciousness and not really resonated with me in terms of what it's like when a person when I was medicated it's like to read domesticate me to consensus reality and that's why I say these medications help me stay grounded in consensus reality they prevent my consciousness from going into map consciousness and trying to make new maps of reality in order to act and embody and create a different reality and he also mentioned too that there's a strong taboo against brain change and he was speaking about in terms of people that say want to take substances to change their consciousness what about the people that their consciousness changes without taking substances and then medical system comes in and says I'll give you a substance to keep you from changing your brain state without you changing it without you doing anything mania is a brain change and that's almost implied in what they say with mental illness like something's change in the brain and now it's diseased well it's a brain change but I don't think it needs to be turned into a disease and I wonder too with the universe imprinting so many of our brains and our brains being imprinted by people that take substances that imprint is sort of like the imprint of how things are it's kind of like wondering are we going to get with the imprint program Timothy Leary talks about how our brain has like eight different dimensions of God or something and one of them is that there's a neurological engineer and we can rebuild new neural realities well I think this energy of map consciousness when it comes in is helping us to build different neural realities a person that takes a substance might stay in an altered state for four hours but when the universe puts this energy through one's consciousness one can stay in the other states for longer periods of time so that is going to actually build that imprint stronger and build those neural realities stronger than just a very temporary drug and he says he talks about the psychopharmacology to tune one's own brain and I think that's due to epi genetics and epi mimetics and endo mimetics and gestures because we if we rely on chemical means to get those states it's going to create the imprint it's going to create it temporarily it's going to create a very weak neural reality but it's how do we have to be as human beings in order for that reality to exist for us as us what gestures and what ways of being create that inner psychopharmacology that those endogenous bio molecules that we need in order for those feelings states to actually create the neural networks so releasing a bit of those neurotransmitters is going to help slowly build those neural realities and those neural networks just as the dopamine reflex and the dopamine neural networks have been very strongly active dated producing dopamine dopamine and those associated neurons other ways of being other other indigenous biomolecules are going to create different neural circuits and different neural realities I think that's what the map consciousness state is trying to do but it's being hijacked and I think it's perhaps happening that as I create new semantics and semantics and pragmatics I can further explore these other ways and I wonder actually now that I'm saying it I'm sort of learning and I'm learning something new and I'm learning something new and it's not necessarily true as in something that was written in a scientific paper but it's true for me subjectively or it's at least something i'm curious about we're wandering about so what I'm saying is this is like a never-ending learning process that I've initiated with myself and that is giving me the energy that i was talking about and perhaps that energy and this always learning is creating different circuits in my brain and maybe it's creating lots and lots of different circuits because I'm not necessarily strengthening any one thing and this is me just talking about some talking talking talking creating context may be creating contextual neurons and contextual biomolecules and pathways so hopefully when I get to the point of epi gesture etics which I don't know if I said that it's gesturing in order to change genetics I want to get there it'll be more powerful within the context that I've created by self dialogue so it could just be a brain change that happens and it's not necessarily mental illness the brain changing since we're so addicted to consistency we find it quite disturbing and our brains are no longer logical in the classic sense of logic I feel like they're trans logical or or trans rational and with time we can actually rien clewd rationality as part of it and give rationality its proper place it's almost like we have all this rationality written over our hearts and map consciousness comes in and gets rid of all of it in order for us to develop a bit of a new rationality and the thing with when one can see with one's heart in that empathetic state and read patterns it makes it easier to discern that but the trouble is we feel the pain of it so instead of being in that sort of dopamine reward pleasure circuit we're actually in a circuit of perceiving reality which sometimes can be painful and that's one of the reasons why people prefer to be stuck in the dopamine circuit to avoid what it is that they're really seeing and doing and what's really going on out there so it becomes a more rich experience but it can also be more trying and it can be difficult and scary because one can get really angry and upset over something and maybe look like they're overreacting when it's not necessarily an overreaction when one considers the implications of what it is that someone is perceiving and extrapolates the full context and meaning behind it which could go back say 2000 years so one could be having a bit of a cow over something that is a distant memory but one can see that in the action and that's why it's difficult for me to work in the mental health system is its I don't just see the logical rational little bit of information in front of me I see all the implications of it I see all the implications and extrapolations and and it can be like information overload I feel like there is a manic ethics there's ethics of society but mania and psychosis as it's called map consciousness connects us with a different ethics and it's an ethics more related to present moment so that's why one can be more active in the present moment I don't want to say reactive because it's actually action it's seeing something and acting immediately to what is happening now in the moment versus reaction being reacting to one's own memories and unconsciously and this is actually this action is about being super present to the actuality of what is going on other people see it as over reaction because they can't feel it and they might think oh that's good and I'm lucky that I can't feel it but why is it happening that so many people are getting to the point where they're losing their mind and say dementia something probably to do with dopamine and not actually being in the present moment so eventually one is not in not even present at all it's just probably a natural progression of dopamine consciousness and Timothy Leary talked about cosmology and it's related to galactic evolution I think mania has a cosmological level to it and maybe that's why a lot of what I talk about with myself has to do with something beyond just individual stuff like individual goals or individual this or individual mental illness I don't really see it that way and it's probably because map consciousness has changed my consciousness in such a way that I don't see it that way and maybe that's part of it is that Gaia needs us to have a different vantage point to be able to see things from so many different angles I don't just see things from my own personal angle I see it from many different angles and I think that gestures build on the imprint brain circuits so with that initial imprint in manic consciousness certain gestures will actually build on that imprint and it could be pretty infinite in terms of that and I think it is because each of us needs to be infinitely non-consistent and if each one of us were that way we would be building a different reality because right now we're building one based on our imprint programming of society and we're each doing that and we're just repeating things so in that way it's a very limited map a very limited compass so this is trying to actually I think it creates an encompassing map so right now we have this ego compass of limited thought structures and thinking about oneself and then the matted consciousness comes in and encompass is acid it it makes a huge infinite context for which to explore and experience and understand ourselves and create actuality versus recreate reality
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I have officially being driven crazy by where I live so I'm sitting in my car in the rain out of quiet park last night I had a bit of a meltdown just all the noise was really getting to me I figure that with the job I have right now I just need less noise when maybe usually I could be okay with it one thing I didn't account for on my little jaunt to set it apart was the fact that eventually I'm going to have to pee I have a speaking engagement in a couple hours and it's about sharing my recovery story and I'm going to see if I can switch it up a little bit and share a bit more about the transformative nature of the experience and how it's like being transformed into someone with more empathy which makes it more difficult to go through society as it's designed even just saying the word difficult I don't want to need to say the word difficult I feel like I'm making my life difficult by staying in a paradigm that use people as difficult and having difficulties and having difficult lives so I've been feeling rather grumpy the last few days and I don't know if that's a sign to myself that this isn't the right paradigm maybe it's because I've been talking to myself so much about the other paradigm that this is feeling less congruent for me and I think about the last two years working in the mental health paradigm and trying to remember the number of times that I've really enjoyed myself and there's got to be some times but not a ton not like when I was working in a medical office and just having fun and it wasn't about the fact that I have a mental illness it was a very joyful and joyous place and I think about my newest job and the people I'll be relating to I can't imagine that it'll be like a joyous way of relating tired of convincing people of the value of pure support and like I said I don't even know how valuable it is within the system because the system turns it into something that it's not supposed to be because it doesn't understand the way that it helps people without setting goals and working towards goals and things like that it doesn't realize that when you really form a relationship with someone a person will just naturally start flower because we're designed to be related and through the process of having a diagnosis people often feel isolated and self stigmatized and all those things so the relationship helps to heal that which is impeding the person from naturally moving forward in their life so to go about it in a systematic way misses the point and then I'm thinking low B grade of people who are peer support workers could give feedback to the system to inform the system to support the system to change but I don't even know if they'll listen they're probably afraid that people would live experience will come in and take over their jobs and I was thinking about how before I talked about how recovery for what I don't like the term recovery anyway because I think it's a transformation it's recreation and rediscovery of oneself and it's developing new lines of intelligence that aren't valued by society so then they get sort of missed and lost and then gets funneled into this non-functional mentally ill person when they're supposed to flower into a different function so again recovery for what if you want to use the term recovery well right now I'm recovering in order to function in the mental health system and not necessarily function as the function that is innate within the transformative process itself so again and I'm the square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole maybe what I'm seeing with all this talking to myself with all the self dialogue is that not really moving into the context through which I'm speaking to myself about and it was interesting because I open this book that I have by Timothy Leary called your brain is God and I turned exactly to the page that talks about how Gaia uses the word gaya has divisions of labor for humans sort of like social insects and certain humans are supposed to do certain functions and uses an example where if everybody was scholarly or and read and was a writer well then who would run the shops and who so who and who would farm and things like that so there has to be people with different capacities and intelligences and I I feel like what's happened with with this transformative experience as it's a different line of intelligence developing and it's developing in people in their in their late teens early 20s and throughout their life because that is actually what's needed by Gaia and that's again related to everything I talked about both the shutting down of the prefrontal cortex and and it's not necessarily that the prefrontal cortex is bad and I've talked a lot about how it's kind of bad it might just be that there is enough of that already it would be like every tree in the world being a maple tree well you need to have more than one variety of tree so since there's so much emphasis on the prefrontal cortex and that's how we're certain people are able to maintain their lines of development and go into sports or go into art and other things that aren't necessarily valued by society and a certain number of you go into what is valued by society and they become the professionals looking down at the people that aren't able to achieve that line of intelligence to the same extent and that's silly because the other lines aren't valued and so people since it's not valued people may class in different things and also it could be that certain lines of intelligence aren't being valued and developed and then people end up self-medicating and doing all these things because they're not allowed to flower as the capacity that they came here to become because we're so one-dimensional and what we see as valuable in society and I think part of this transformative process of map consciousness is to help realign us with this other line of intelligence and it could be more than one line of intelligence it could be quite a number and a lot of people that go through this do connect with different gifts that they realize that they have maybe for a short period of time or a long period of time so these gifts are some of the gifts that are needed right now but instead of allowing that to flower because we don't know even how to do that we funneled people back into being non-functional cogs in the current functional machine because that's better to maintain the status quo than to allow people to develop in these other ways and it's like it's changing our inner compass from our linear ego thinking and associating to something else and when that transformation process is happening it is quite disruptive it's almost like a second birth in a way it's being birthed into a completely different world view of the universe and so should I go back and work in the world view that suppresses people that go through these processes or or work in something that is beyond that if I'm really honest with myself I haven't I haven't really enjoyed my peer support career so far mainly because I just find it reach Rama tising as it's sad to see people viewed in that way to see when I didn't meet up with somebody I don't see it as their own personal problem I see it as the entire process of the universe and how it's created that situation for somebody and how that is being created because people are being suppressed from flowering into who they really are and maybe if people would have been allowed to flower in this way in the last 30 years to their fullest potential we'd probably be living in a completely different reality right now part of what it does and this is some of my notes now is it it screws up the old motivation programs and we've been motivated by self-interest and most people are motivated in this way and it's like whatever but it makes sense that a certain number should be not motivated by self-interest and there's a different type of interest that people can take and self-interest as got us this far in society and things but it's needed for a different type of perception from personal interest to person all / sun all may be part of a different motivation is being motivated by play and there's got to be some sort of epigenetic effect of being relational and being playful and with the kindness gestures for example if we were motivated by play we'd be playing a different game and that would change the expression of our genetics I think the epigenetics of 741 hurts keeps us perceiving this society of separation I think the difference was 741 and 528 is and 741 were being used by our own voice in the circular loop of our head and in 528 that's when we're using our voice and we're using our voice as a voice of 528 Hertz and I think there's got to be a language of oxytocin and it could be to do with gestures one can really perceive the intentions in gestures and that could be the power of gestures in a way because if I think about somebody doing a kind gesture like going and attempting to reach for a door but turns out you didn't need it they didn't actually do anything they just made a gesture for the door to be like I would open the door for you but all you didn't need it and then kind of a smile and it's almost as if they did it so it's the intention it's not even really the action I think there's a distinction there and a gesture is recognized as a pattern so if somebody puts our handle like this it's different than if somebody goes like this so it's the same gesture really in a way but it's the motion and then the motion is what we perceive on our mind screen and we're an and motion and motion catches our attention so if we look at a car in front of us and they put their blinker on we notice because it's blinking plus we're paying attention because we're driving but we don't really notice as much if the brake lights are just on as the daytime running lights of the car so we notice the motion in the pattern and not just if it's just one thing but what I'm trying to say is the motion plus the actual object like the hand what the hand does and there's a lot of different things or hands can do is what is perceived as a pattern so we could listen to somebody's words and taking that information and we can listen to their words as well as the tone of their voice and different things and if it's mismatched we're actually going to believe their voice tone over what they actually say so it's more convincing in the tone of the voice and so with a gesture it's also a pattern so what I'm trying to say is that a pattern gets the attention of our inner mind screen more so than linear bits of information and what I'm trying to say is that that's what makes gesture even more powerful as that it catches our attention and we can read intention in gesture whereas words anyone could say anything and gesture we can usually tell what the intention of the gesture is and it catches our attention I feel it brings us more into the present moment and it also re patterns a person's mind screen and that's part of the mirror neurons maybe the mirror neurons is the mine screen and it reap a turns them so kind gestures actually read patterns because it really gets somebody's attention versus just saying something I feel there's probably an epigenetic of gestures maybe it's epi gesture etics and maybe endo gesture etics is part of actually perceiving in the moment so if we're really perceiving in the moment will be more apt to actually perform a gesture because our mind screen is more clear and we're actually looking for ways to be helpful and this could be the power of kindness and that's how 528 Hertz is way more powerful than 741 because 741 is just linear logical rational words it appears to rationality whereas 528 it's to do with kindness and gestures and action and listening and actually helping it's really about being there it's really about being present so the 528 is to do with our presence and the 741 is noise the noise of the prefrontal cortex has does Society and it can't keep going like this it needs a different line of intelligence and I wrote that and then I read that Timothy Leary book I skimmed it and it said something along those lines in the book which I'll get to later I feel like in the meantime Gaia is trying to turn off the prefrontal cortex it's almost like the map consciousness comes in and tries to ignite that other intelligence but since it isn't allowed to flower then it just sort of is shutting down the prefrontal cortex in the meantime I feel like if everyone that went through this transformative consciousness process when they were in their late 20s early 20s late teens whatever it is was allowed to flower in the intelligence that would redesign society in such a way that Gaia wouldn't be turning our children into lacking the prefrontal cortex capacity on the autism spectrum if this transformative process isn't allowed to flower in people entering adulthood and to fully mature then there's just going to be more and more autism because Gaia is trying to turn off the prefrontal cortex in the meantime and I also wrote down that there's no meaning in dopamine is just programmed good bad right wrong yes no pleasure pain its binary but there's no meaning to it it's just the meaning of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain and that's very meaningless it just goes from pleasure to pain pleasure to pain and it's pretty much canceling it's pretty much canceling itself out
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traffic noise just really annoying I drew a little diagram so the 528 Hertz is actually always available to us but when we have a thought as the ego at 7 41 and it's a faster frequency and it interrupts this so really it's like an ego thought and just a tiny little bit of the background the space in between thoughts that we don't actually notice because it's always talking so that would actually almost be like the equivalent of a breath in we can't really talk while we're taking a breath in you could almost imagine that when your ego voice is talking in your head that it needs to take a breath in between sentences and that breath is like a pause and that pause can actually be a lot longer and when we start to notice the space and perhaps identify with the space if you want to say identify them that is the silence from which sound comes from and when there's enough space it's the 528 Hertz and then that's when the 528 Hertz can actually hit our heart and our eyes because when we're not thinking we're not actually creating images on our mind screen so when that silence becomes more pronounced we actually can see and then when we can actually see with our eyes in our heart simultaneously we're going to have different impressions that are more like insights not thought memory voice sound image complexes and the silence there's no dopamine in silence so thinking is tied to dopamine I wonder if I feel like I get some kind of reward from seeing new insights I wonder wonder if that's dopamine or don't think it could be because it's not from the prefrontal cortex I think it's something else because learning this way is actually in my mind real learning just learning by observing not thinking and looking for answers and thinking other people are the ones that are going to tell me the answers because if I have a clear mind and a clear heart the universe will tell me the answers the answers that I wasn't even asking for because our brains are designed to learn in this way but they've been hijacked and when the mind is silent we can hear what's really there talking to us it's a different language it's a language of silence I think we have to have a silent mind in order to be able to recognize that language because the language of noise impedes that because with this if Olson the Eagles thoughts are largely gone there's just a little egos out here a little without here and the rest is 528 Hertz silence that's going to allow a perception insight to arise as a holistic impression that we then can unfold with language as we speak the whole sentence comes to us and it's not a sentence that is from the past ego and so we just speak the sentence we don't even pre form sentences that is from the associative process in the prefrontal cortex we don't need to be associating about reality in order to experience reality because the associations were making about reality are usually old I think dopamine is our voice it's I into our voice and oxytocin and something else is tied to giving voice to the insights perceived by clear perception of the universe and that's giving voice to that and giving voice to that is something completely different it would almost be like if I was able to look at a tree and almost tell the trees story from the trees perspective because it can't speak for itself that would seem a little bit strange but the trees might actually tell us something they might tell us man you human beings you're freaking doomed we wiII trees will be coming back our seats are everywhere I feel like part of this death feeling when one is losing grip of the ego when the ego is losing grip of us that is our voice losing grip of us and that's tied to dopamine I feel like it's almost dopamine withdrawal that makes us feel that terrified and if we're that terrified of dopamine withdrawal that's going to prevent the other circuits that are trying to come on line from being fired up so fear takes over and when fear is there it blocks the love that is also there it almost makes us want the ego back and I wonder if a lot of cortisol is released when the dopamine circuit is shriveling up there's like a stress that happens I think cortisol is tied to dopamine because if we're not reaching our goals which is a dopamine thing we feel stressed so we're stressing yourself out because of our own voice and what it's telling us that we should be doing so our own voice produces the cortisol and the dopamine but the more stress we have from the voice the more cortisol comes in and that's what attacks the hippocampus and then we can't sort out things and there's that lack of X Forex sensation so old voice elements from our past can come up and and play on our mind screen and increase being terrified and that's when sort of there's too much allostatic load and lack of a quark sensation so too much allostatic load maybe is what causes us to not be able to feel that it's coming from the past but it's all coming from the past is the thing so it seems like dopamine and cortisol keep us tied to the past no wonder society is based on problem reaction solution create a problem reaction present the solution then people feel better but we feel stressed all the time so stress is really not good if we're stress we're going to naturally want more pleasure in order to get rid of the stress so by creating a chronically stressed society we're going to be chronically going for dopamine things which is actually going to totally mess up our brains so society is messing up our brains in this way for us to seek individual pleasure to get away from this chronic stress and we're not working too get rid of this chronic stress in society was too busy reacting to the chronic stress whereas if we were to get rid of the chronic stress we would be able to naturally more easily bond to each other and support each other and we wouldn't be living in such fear for our own personal gain the universe is trying to save us from dopamine is trying to save us from our own voice and I don't think cognition is cognition I think it's recognition it's recognition it's from old memories past associations and thoughts and it has nothing to do with now and it has nothing to do with now I think it's actually tied into re emoting so it's rien too because these images and thoughts usually have an emotional component which is like the mirror of the thought image in the brain it's mirrored in the neuro peptides that are in the body and then we remain addicted to those thoughts and feelings because they're familiar just like our own voice is familiar I think this readmission Andrea moding process actually keeps us consistent this is actually what we take to be ourselves this is who we think we are we're just a dopamine emotion thought image past memory complex I think children on the autism spectrum don't have these dopamine circuits it's almost like when it's time for that to fire up at the age of two ish or something they don't fire up and it could be the universe preventing that they can't be as easily turned into Pavlov's dog and the kids become deaf to the noise of reality and when you think about it there's way too much information there's way too much noise those were way too much flashing lights there's way too much everything so if you think about the collective humanity as one organism then it makes sense that certain number of brains are going to get down regulated from having these dopamine circuits because there's way too much information and stimulation that's based on dopamine circuits so certain number of brains are going to get down regulated to not respond to that and dr. Bruce lived and says perception is what has to do with epigenetics if these children can't perceive that information they're not actually going to be responding to it so in a way it's sort of like erasing that information from the collective social fabric because certain people aren't actually perceiving it and responding to it in their reality tunnel is creating a different reality tunnel and the reality tunnel that's being created as one that's not so set on dopamine and the prefrontal cortex and even people who haven't been diagnosed with anything are trying to reduce their prefrontal cortex they're doing yoga they're jumping out of airplanes they're surfing big waves anything to get their own voice to shut up and I think humanity is one organism and we have to think of it that way and to consider social phenomena and physical phenomena as a manifestation of the collective I remember reading or hearing that when birds are in the air they're actually one organism and when they land on the ground there are their separate little things taking care of their own physical needs walking around on the ground eating their bugs and their worms and stuff and they still pay attention to each other they're aware of each other but they're still doing their own thing but if they take off all at the same time and all just fly where they want to go they're going to run into each other and I feel like this 528 Hertz consciousness of nature is part of us too and there's a collective that we're a part of a collective consciousness of humanity and it's to do with a relational mind the mind beyond the brain and the mind beyond the brain that's trying to create what it is through us and through our brains and it's going to do that no matter what if we are in a if we're trying to or not that's what's going to happen and one of the ways is to reduce the noise of the prefrontal cortex well the universe is already doing that for us with the next generation unfortunately pathologize them we don't understand them we don't realize they need different environment no noise different way of learning they'll learn faster along a lot of lines but slower with language because language is the problem them hearing their own voice in their own head is the problem map consciousness activates other circuits in the brain and it doesn't mean a person would never use the dopamine circuit it just means that they wouldn't be used by the dopamine circuit the thing with all these new circuits being activated is we don't know how to act we don't know how to use them we have an awareness of the former reality tunnel and it's a small band but now we have this huge reality tunnel and this degrees of freedom we never had access to before it's like being set free but being free within a prison is quite difficult in a way one has to be a bit of a frequency holder and just hold the frequency of 528 and still operate in the other frequency of 741 and thats related to what i was talking about before with trans consciousness it would be residing and abiding in 528 and still being aware of 741 and then the mind and heart become a receiver of 528 Hertz and it's not just playing its own tune on repeat it's receiving so much other information from the universe we are a part of Gaia and human collective consciousness we are in a chemical prison of our own and doggedness biomolecules based on what we perceive we perceive images of fear or pleasure and that is the duality that we move between if we have a clear mind screen and clear heart we see in the moment and we create those biomolecules at the moment and it's always new and it's always a different combination and it's always interesting and in manic consciousness the universe imprints on us that vision and we always have that imprint so it fires up those circuits and even if they go offline because of the structure of society we still have that imprint we still have that pattern and so it's basically lying kind of dormant and that's why I talked about embodying ones mania and moving towards that and that would eventually maybe invite the circuits to turn back on and it's not a matter of do this step this step this step it's maybe it's about actually doing things differently all the time in a way because if we're practicing the same thing in the same way we're just creating another habit and reward circuit and I was also thinking about how Len Horowitz said that the Sun is 528 Hertz well when we sit in the Sun we're absorbing that 528 Hertz on our skin and that's probably what is involved in activating vitamin D and vitamin D turns on I think it was like 30,000 genes or three thousand genes or something like that which have positive effects so the sunlight is actually an epigenetic thing it activates a vitamin D which turns on certain genes so that's epigenetic control of genes so if we're not getting any sun exposure we're not getting enough vitamin D and one of the biggest things that happens when a person doesn't have enough vitamin D is cancer so in a way it's almost like if we're not out there kind of worshiping the Sun in a way like being outside being connected to nature and getting sunlight we're going to get cancer and die and so nature has so many ways of killing us off embedded in its own systems and it's only going to get worse because I think soon supplements are going to be like illegal or only pharmaceutical drugs and then we have to get a prescription and then we have to pay more and then it's only in a very very very small dose it's not going to do anything anyway so we're really going to be in trouble so we have the wrong values so map consciousness is trying to create a new kind of relational human being and it's a type of human being that is not valued in this dopamine culture people with dopamine brains see people that have gone through this sort of transformation and are perhaps struggling because it could be like a second infancy where it takes a couple years for the brain to sort of learn how to be in this world and that other perception of things and a dopamine brain looks at us and thinks well that person doesn't give me any pleasure and they cause pain so i'm just going to stay away from them not value them and drug them so it's kind of scary that's why we need to create lots of context and lots of dialogue with each other to talk ourselves out of what we've been told map is actually like acquired different learning and thinking styles trans consciousness I also read somewhere that pure support is about critical learning and renaming of experiences I'm doing that with myself I'm doing peer support with my self I feel like mania is sensory deprivation from the ego and society the ego is society it's what we need to function in society we've become functions of dopamine the ego is a sound light memory complex and it's images that we've recorded and it sounds in our own voice and it's the past and then we can't properly perceive the sounds and lights that are coming to us from the external world and when we receive those impressions we can actually understand and a different way of knowing happens
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I'm feeling a little grumpy but figured I'll make video anyway I don't know what it is exactly but I just feel bothered by reality right now perhaps after listening to that talk by those people who work in mental health about how they're all gung-ho about presenting different options about receiving people going through crisis and maybe they want to come off their meds and maybe they want to have less mats and different things like that presenting options and just knowing they're going to go on that sort of crusade in a way I feel like I want to participate but at the same time I'm not allowed I don't work for that part of the Health Authority so them experiencing that for one week at a conference now they get to go talk and share and present to all their colleagues and I've been living it for five and a half years and then researching it for the last two years and it's not even as long as so many people have and where's people's opportunity to have a voice they're just really isn't that and so I feel like I want to be like yes and jump for joy by the same time I think like it's sad that they're the people that get to speak up about it and share that kind of perspective when they haven't lived through it I guess they're sharing it with their colleagues and everything but it still bothers me a little bit because it's a chance to be like maybe try not pathology zhing so much maybe things might work a little bit better and and they're the ones that get to say that and so I guess I should be happy in a way but at the same time I feel almost like being like okay good it's in their hands maybe I don't have to do anything about it maybe I can just watch from the sidelines as it unfolds naturally sort of naturally I have a bit of a cold but talking to myself anyway and I tried to go to the park but then they were doing construction on the road right beside the park so I couldn't turn in the parking lot I had to go all the way around the block to park in the park and then I get in the park and all I can hear is the noise of that machine that's cutting a big slice in the pavement and so I was at the park for a few minutes in the night I just gave up my left there's no where to find peace and quiet around here it's just so much noise they even a park during the weekdays is not a park it's trucks backing up with their baby beep raking leaves and all this and bustle it's not a peaceful place it's not a natural park there's people doing stuff to the park everywhere as if the park can't take care of itself in some way and then I was looking for this woman who presented her email and so I was on the website of where she works or something and I look and it was funded by a family group whose son ended their life and so on the page it says so-and-so committed suicide and anything myself this is supposed to be like one of the most progressive places for mental health here and they're using committed suicide as language on the main page of the website and I'm like that is sad that stems from suicide being a crime and so the more acceptable language nowadays has died by suicide or something like that I don't know but to say committed suicide I just thought jeez and then I went on the website of this poor boy the foundation and I was reading the story and he was put on antidepressants week weeks before he died so a lot of times those make things worse and make a person actually go through with it so for for that to happen so much funding to go towards creating more of the same types of interventions it's just sad to me it could have I don't know it's just really sad it again it's like well it was a mental illness it was a brain disease so we better make more of the interventions of the mental illness paradigm never really taking into account what else could be going on and not pathologizing distress of these poor teenagers they're crying out for help and they can't even talk to their own parents because their parents were the ones that are putting the society on them so again I doubt my efforts in peer support I feel like peer support I'm not sure if it can coexist with the mental health system and I've already said that so I'm feeling slightly conflicted and it could be partly PMS partly a few things and i'm not i'm not actually feeling upset about feeling to stress I'm just noticing and I think it's okay because why wouldn't I be slightly disturbed by some of those things and on the website to of that poor boy they said there was another suicide at this school that he was at at the actual school late added at a later date so it's to say that teenagers have mental illnesses is really sad I don't really think that they should be pathologized and labeled in all those ways just like what I was saying yesterday that app or transgender teen with all those labels in the in the article about them it just is trying to just program our brains to really think about people in those ways it's really sad and so maybe I'm a little bit sensitive about being pathologize myself I just picked up my month supply of lithium and I see myself as needing it because of all this GD traffic noise and working in the system and it's all this crap is going on and I'm hoping that in a number of months my situation will be different and also I was referred to us client and that kind of stun a little bit I just feel like I was put in my place I got the end of the day I'm just a client I know that's not true but still I should go back to sticks and stones but again why remaining in the system working for the system as part of the system I'm reinforcing my role as client and I know this will pass it's just trying to inform me I really I'm supposed to maybe go south in a couple months and as it stands I have a job that I don't think I can get away with leaving for several months at a time and I almost feel like just being like screw it I'm out of here I don't owe this system anything and it's just maybe gonna take me down I guess it's good to not always be more in my even appearing disposition all the time because that's part of it I don't really want to be even I think it's a rich experience to be sort of in these distressing places and the distress isn't like oh I have this problem from 10 years ago it's like what they're doing to teenagers and the noise of society and how parks aren't really parks and not really like personal problems and I was even thinking I could at some point when I'm in a bit of a quieter place go off lithium and and do videos about it and talk about what it's like and maybe I'll be all over the place and a gong show and that's okay too that's part of the dialogue the self dialogue just to talk about stuff as it comes up and i actually have like for speaking engagements if you want to call it that coming up one this week and no to this week and to next week and then week after i have stand-up comedy so it's interesting to be in this place I've kind of like her just want to say screw you system and all you pathologizing people and just just drop it and and I sort of had this sense and I've done it before where I stayed too long in a job and it gets me in trouble I wonder if I could just drop it and just say peace out and I'm going to possibly make my decision more so coming up in the next couple of days because I don't know if I can stay here like this I I need peace and quiet to feel 528 Hertz of love energy guess i will talk more about stuff I I would like to be able to catch up at least on the recent stuff that I've written within the last couple of months and then i could go on to looking at some of the things i read in the past that people wrote talk about that as well as may be going and looking at some of the stuff i wrote five and a half years ago and starting to go back in time so talking about stuff from now but then going back which is harvesting my original mania so I haven't harvested it in terms of actually looking at what i wrote from back then and i had the paper a stack of paper like this big but I chucked it out one day but I scanned them all into PDF so I have that to look at again this is recontextualization for myself it's mania literacy it's map consciousness literacy it's self dialogue and a different narrative think map consciousness is an energetic process in consciousness it's like a grand reset button it resets our ego when we go back to the collective humanity that we started from and then we start to learn how to use our brains again instead of having our brains used by dopamine and a lot of times most the time it it ends up being a failure for the engine to start and then the dopamine circuits don't really work well either and then people like what do you mean you don't want to reach goals what do you mean you just want to sit on the couch there's no motivation because the purpose was to screw up the dopamine circuit because that is the circuit that is destroying the planet and the universe is going to destroy us through this dopamine blow out versus actually having too many people with that dopamine circuit and it wastes a lot of our energy to go back and try and fix people that their dopamine circuit got totally destroyed by the universe and it was supposed to kickstart other circuits in the brain that would actually make the people that go through this process part of the solution to humanity the different line of intelligence developing it's part of the social fabric where certain people are supposed to have a certain function and this is a new function or turned into dysfunction I feel like it's also giving us the impetus to create new language a relational language and there's epigenetics related to the relational length language so it's important for us to use different language and relational language the language of we and world centricity in order to create this in the relational neural networks of the collective fabric we need to start at least speaking to each other in these ways otherwise we just start to speak the language of pathology and explain why our dopamine circuits aren't allowing us to be motivated and step back into a cog in the machine and society thoughts become viruses in our own voice we record it from somewhere else and then we translate it into our voice and then it's a virus we think it's ourselves it's using us it's like a sonic delusion it's like a sonic sleight of hand a sonic sleight of voice we're slighted by our own voice and we don't realize we have a choice to not choose and be used by the voice in our head which is our own voice but it's not the sonic delusion creates the images of the past its recalling past men raised as self medication with our own images and those images are actually tied in with the emotional neuro peptides that are in our body and we're addicted to those like what the bleep do we know we only know what we're addicted to and we're addicted to dopamine and we're addicted to neuropeptides of whatever emotion gives us the juice of dopamine so we might have an emotion that we are always feeling hate but that is actually giving us a reward we're addicted to it it's probably tied into the dopamine so by hating other people we actually feel superior and get some dopamine I also wonder if we didn't repeat our thoughts how many thoughts would we actually think a day like 10 so a lot of our brain energy is being wasted by repetition and I think front ality is tied to dopamine and transient hypo front allottee the dopamine circuit subsides and then the flow chemicals or the manic conscious neuropeptides are able to come into play and the ego blocks what the heart sees and I think this is actually quite necessary right now because I've talked about before if all of a sudden that ego barrier was removed from everyone we would be in everyone would be in chaos and confusion this dopamine ego provides some semblance of order just because we're only responding to a very small amount of the information in reality the ones we've been programmed and conditioned into actually repeating due to their effect on our dopamine system I feel like the silent mind is actually an elite human being because they talk about elite athletes as in they can achieve flow States and and high performance in their body well then there must be elite human beings who don't need the prefrontal cortex and experience hypo front ality and it's not just transient it would actually be transient front ality because it would only turn on the prefrontal cortex when absolutely necessary our brain and our intelligence and our consciousness would only use it when it's absolutely necessary and what we think makes things salient and what we think is tied into our dopamine and also the emotions that were addicted to and the memories we've recorded and choose to replay on our mind screen and that's what makes what things salient in reality but we're actually not seeing reality at all and when we pick something out of reality that we have reacted to emotionally we record it and when we record it and we flash that image our ego starts making stories about why it is that we feel that way it gives justification it strengthens the me versus you the right versus wrong and it gives that dopamine hit to feel entitled in a way it's almost like emotions or songs because when we feel it the ego start spinning sad songs and sad stories about what it is that we're feeling our consciousness starts to think that it's an ego because of that thinking process with our own voice and it's a case of mistaken identity but it's hard to realize that when the voice is in our own tone in a way insanity is the beginning of sanity other voices could be trying to save us from the trick of our own voice I feel like in my first mania it was a strong 528 Hertz experience and I can still sense it and I can still go back and harvest it because it's always there within me to harvest and even though Eagle consciousness has come back in as a part of my life I can still move toward that vision in time I was thinking today that the ego is a widget and manic consciousness or map consciousness the whole spectrum is a dashboard I also realized tooth the video i made the fly whisperer I think the reason the Flies weren't afraid of me was because I was in 528 Hertz and that is the same frequency as nature so they just saw me as the same as them I think medications block the new circuits from being ignited and I was also thinking about this 741 hurts of the ego-mind prefrontal cortex frequency versus 528 Hertz of love of the heart chakra and I was thinking about how matter the faster it vibrates the more dense it is so a rock the molecules in Iraq vibrate really fast whereas the molecules in air vibrate slower so in 741 hurts that's vibrating a lot faster than 528 and the faster vibration implies more density so this could also be one of the ways that it adds density to our system and one of the ways that people have told me when I'm in that other consciousness I'm taller because I'm not carrying that tension of the 741 hurts so those that frequency is actually a denser faster frequency and it's going to change my entire physical structure and I guess mental structure to and that could also be part of the effect of gravity and gravity feeling more dense actually when I'm feeling like I'm hitting the lowest part of the scale of consciousness I feel the heaviest it feels like I'm going I'm decelerating on an elevator I feel so heavy and that could be even a different vibratory level I'm not sure and I was also thinking that our voice is X phoric sensation so we're actually lacking the awareness that our voice is talking about the past and it's keeping us in the past so we're lacking eck phoric sensation anything that moves us away from the present moment even a fraction of a millimeter is lacking Eck fork sensation unless we're actually using our brains but if our brains are being used by these thoughts they're actually totally warping our brains and warping us it's interesting that we're warped for the sound of our own voice and in that way can we be equally as unwarranted projecting our voice outward and perhaps this is one of the ways that talk therapy is helpful just to use one's own voice to express oneself and that's why I'm doing self dialogue it's almost like dialogue too it's a log a journal our own voice is trauma it's almost like if we didn't process that in the moment our voice is always reminding us of it something's going to come up in our voice later and tell us I feel like empathy makes us more able to respond because we can actually feel the situation dopamine likely decreases our empathy and makes us very linear and one-dimensional we can't sense things other than as it has to do with our own personal pleasure gratification or avoiding pain basically using people and I think about dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness from zero to a thousand and I wonder where psychiatry actually lies and the medical mental health paradigm and then if I'm working in that that's actually having an effect on my organism my physiology because I'm a tuner like a radio tuner and I'm picking up on the more for genetic fields that I'm being exposed to and because I've been given that empathetic lens through map consciousness I'm affected even more and I think it's actually good to be you know pulled down a level or two as not to go off into one's own personal ecstasy because that's not ideal either but I guess just being aware of it and and just keeping track of the amount of time because it could be more so the amount of time that is the accumulation and I think being shown that suffering and experiencing a lot of suffering through the empathetic process is actually something from the field of love because the field of love wants us to get a message that we are all connected and that we're all suffering and it's sort of like a last ditch effort in a way for love to give us that message it's almost like the higher levels of consciousness that map consciousness shows us it's showing us what's possible and then when we come back down to these lower levels of guilt shame anger everything like that is showing us what is actual what's happening now I think it's showing us a different scale is showing us something beyond personal reward and pleasure and avoiding pain it's it's the collective and it shows us that we really perceive the collective so once we've been given that empathetic quality or line of intelligence it's hard not to take action and it's a different action it's not an action of a word I get my next donut it's something else and I wonder why we should need any X sensation we only need that if we have thoughts in our head
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I was thinking it'd be cool to help decrease the allostatic load of being diagnosed with mania and associated things I'm trying to point out some of the pokemon is a positives but things that are fascinating about the process of mania and what it means to me and creating new memes through endo mimetics I feel like map consciousness is like climbing the entire spectrum of human consciousness the whole scale by David Hawkins dr. David Hawkins the 1000 points scale numerous times in one lifetime he says most people climb five points in one lifetime a person that goes into map consciousness can actually go through the entire scale in like a day and it's quite disorienting but I think that's actually part of the point is to disorient us from our ego consciousness and show us in a very extreme way that it's not really what is ruling the roost oftentimes I felt like when i get to some of the higher points on the scale I then go through a process of going down to the very bottom like shame and it's very difficult to keep myself alive protect myself for myself at that point because it's it's so awful in its feeling but it's part of me as a human being for sure and then when I'm in that state of shame i'm feeling the shameful things I've done or sometimes I feel like I did something I didn't do in this life at least i'm not sure where it's coming from and then I climbed back up again and I can climb up pretty fast but I also feel like when I climb too high on the scale I need to go back down to the bottom because or at least down lower because the society is at a different level and it's hard to remain in the higher part of the scale while operating in this society and I don't know if that's true or maybe it's just maybe it's just that a person that a person has access to the entire spectrum so just because a person gets to a certain point doesn't mean they're immune to the lower spectrum I feel like a person with map consciousness they can map the whole scale of consciousness so if I am exposed to too much of lower part of the scale consciousness then I am that too so and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that that's part of empathy but that's the trouble not having a very very solid ego to block me from that I go back into that place because that's level that I'm perceiving at and i'm not i'm just talking like if I see something that is sort of traumatizing within the system I feel that like I empathize with that and that's part of the gift of it because if I was able to just look at it and not see anything then that would just be like any other person who's pretty much blind to what is going on out there so it's a strength and it's also sometimes difficult and that could even have been what happened when i read that article that just brings me down too a level of consciousness where I am in a way judging that article from a certain vantage point but it's not the vantage point of Oh infinite love and blah it's a little bit lower so that's one of the reasons why I never watched the news because it's just awful I drove another picture this is like the current diagnosis of mania this is sort of the story and everything and now me with map consciousness and mania it's like this all this context and story and possibility and intertwining so one can find oneself in lots of different places in this map of context which I hope that we can co-create together and it's about creating your own context and I feel like as long as the context is heart-centered its context from that space of perceiving from 528 Hertz it's not going to hurt anybody because that intention is love and that intention is is infinite infinite context an infinite possibilities not this is how you should think about it and shut your brain down now because I told you how you should think about it and I think lack of X Forex sensation is lack of paying attention to the moment so lack of X Forex sensation is not sensing that it's coming from the past so we're not sensing that our own ego voice in her head is actually coming from the past because its associated with the past images and memories and by not paying attention and being present we're not present to the sound or the egg 40 of the 528 Hertz we're not paying attention to what we're actually seeing out there were not present with it because if we were we would be really seeing it which would prevent this past image voice thing from happening and we wouldn't be recording and replaying that thing so if we're actually seeing present there's no need to record anything I feel like map consciousness is to help remap the inner rules so our inner rules are from our ego which are our programmed morality and societal rules that we barely even notice that were programmed into us and so map consciousness is part of the D programming it connects us with those inner human dimensions which are infinite and we can experience the moment in infinite ways and it's an infinite unfolding and if we're in alignment with that we don't need our little past memories to protect us what are those really going to do these little images in our head playing what are they going to do they're actually preventing us from being alignment with how we are designed to unfold if a flower just kept repeating the first few divisions of after the seed pops open it would never flower so each progressive second it changes its something entirely new and then it flowers at the end if it just kept repeating a certain step then it wouldn't become the flower so we basically are like seeds that pop open but we stay in that seed just popped open stage and we never flower map consciousness is trying to change the rules of the inner road our inner road maps and part of that is to do with the spontaneous social behaviors and a lot of it is to do with how when we actually perceive for real in the present moment we understand and the rules almost change from moment to moment but we understand when the knower the ego is no longer present we're actually able to understand it's sort of like when somebody is describing something in order for you to see what they're saying well if you look at something in the universe and you have your clear perceptual apparatus you can see what the universe is saying 528 Hertz produces all this variation in nature and we would be able to understand it the ego is not the driver just because it's talking about past stuff it's actually kind of in Reverse it puts us in Reverse and even if you think about the computer analogy and other software drivers and that's what drives the computer and you gotta update your drivers while the ego is a crappy driver I was thinking about DNA viruses and how they insert their viral DNA into our DNA in order to use our DNA replication mechanisms in order to make more of itself I think the ego is a virus that inserted itself into our consciousness into the silence it's a meme virus and it uses our own consciousness our own mind screen to replicate itself so and it turns it into our own voice too so that's sort of similar to how a DNA virus sticks its DNA into our DNA and we think it's our DNA well the ego meme sticks its memes into our brain and then changes it into our voice so we think that it actually has some kind of truth and value and it uses our own mind screen to replicate itself it keeps talking on and produces images on our mind screen when our mind screen is actually meant to be clear so it can actually receive the universe receive the endo memes of the universe through our perception but our perception is blocked by these ego memes these me me Me's all the time that me me me process has very little to do with the whole entire universe by having this meme ego virus by having these memes and these messages and these things we record translate it into our own voice making us feel like they're true and then they replicate and repeat it actually that changes are our epigenetics because we're thinking say like bad thoughts and low low vibration thoughts and it's going to actually change our genetic expression in that way these mimetics that have inserted themselves into our consciousness and we take them to be ourselves talking about reality when really they're old viruses using our consciousness our mind space or mine screen in order to replicate itself and by having that voice going on at 741 hearts or 744 hurts whatever it's actually changing our water structure in our body and it's changing our epigenetics because these sounds these words have an effect on our genetic expression and dr. Bruce Lipton has done a ton of work on that it's whatever you're perceiving is what changes you because perception is what changes DNA it has to actually be perceived whether it's a signaling molecule or whether it's a vibration there is vibration receptors on all of our cells so everything we say in our head is received by our entire body and it's changing our genetics to make us believe more that we are the separate being this separate ego self so basically by receiving these thoughts and images and everything from society and repeating them and recording them in ourselves it's actually changing our DNA and it's likely maybe mutating our DNA it could even be causing more than epigenetic changes that could be causing netic changes and these could actually be heritable to the next generation and if I think about that and they could be stored in that way possibly then past stuff could actually be stored in future generations in an epi mimetic way changing genetic expression for the next generation and a lot I think there's something epigenetically to do with dopamine so the ego is seeking pleasure avoiding pain seeking pleasure is reward seeking is dopamine to me we've all been turned into Pavlov's dog so we have a pleasurable image we start drooling painful image oh we coward and then we try to produce something pleasurable or take something pleasurable so we can again drool or we think about something that we anticipate being pleasurable so we can start drooling again and the pain pleasure is to do with the ego so the ego the me which is past images and memories is related to dopamine and we're all doped up on dopamine all the time and this relates to what I talked about with oxytocin consciousness I think that is the worldcentric way so goals and personal development are all to do with dopamine we're all just those rats in a cage that would take a shock to get a hit of sugar and that's kind of what the ego is it shocks you with one image and that gives you a nice one and shocks with another one gives you a nice when we think we're actually choosing these things 528 which is love which is joy is beyond the duality of pleasure pain pleasure is not love and so the voice in our head or ego is telling us what we want for pleasure and pain is making these supposed choices so we can choose something pleasurable and avoid pain and I actually have this sense that that voice the ego voice those meme viruses the memories that we've recorded in those thoughts and images that we've stored up within ourselves and then translated into our own voice as meme viruses that use our consciousness to replicate itself especially because it's in our own voice so it's pretty convincing now that voice with those images is what brings about the whole dopamine thing pleasure pain I want this on with that I want this I can't have it pain I want this I can have it I'll eat this because I can't have that pleasure pain which is dopamine which is just like oh that's good i got some dopamine oh sad i'm losing my dopamine mm mm-hmm-hmm and that's how we're and that's sales and marketing too and so if you think about it in terms of the mimetics and the meme viruses in our own voice saying these things and want and saying them in order to get dopamine and get the dopamine back that we just lost because we had sort of a painful image this voice in our head is related to that dopamine reflex its reflex is just a mechanical reflex and when you think about how that voice changes our DNA I actually feel like that ego voice of our own hijacks our DNA epigenetically to create the dopamine so the dopamine is part of the voice being satisfied or dissatisfied in terms of getting its little easily desires or not and so we feel a lot of tension when we don't get our dopamine I feel like part of it is when we get dissatisfied over time if we're not getting our dopamine fix we start to secrete cortisol which is stress which is like where is my freaking dopamine and it almost makes us feel like we're going to die unless we don't get more dopamine and since we're always doing this dopamine thing and we always need more and more and more to satisfy as that's the hedonic adaptation that Jason Silva talks about I feel like we've turned our brains into dopamine resistant organs so this could be related to to how Steven Kotler talks about how there's five neurotransmitters involved in the flow state well if we're always in ego consciousness that is just a dopamine reflex and since we're always needing more and more and more we're becoming dopamine resistant in our brain the equivalent of diabetes where a person has sugar and too much sugar over time so much sugar that the pancreas starts to down-regulate its receptors because it's being damaged by all the insulin that the pancreas is secreting in order to grab the sugar so in the same way if we're always needing more dopamine always needing more dopamine which is what society says become this become that become better become faster reach your goals new goals higher goals what we're doing actually is destroying our brains because we're secreting so much dopamine and needing more and more because the brain is probably starting down regulate the receptors for dopamine on the brain because it's way too much it's dopamine overloaded and not only that with the stress of maybe not achieving goals and the stress of daily life in general that is damaging the hippocampus which is what is needed in order for us to maintain awareness and not lack ech fork sensation to the point where we start accumulating allostatic load or stress and when that happens the stress also attacks the hippocampus and then the memories from the past and stuff start up more and that could actually be one of the mechanisms by which so-called psychosis initiates because it can stir up memories from the past as well as further past as well as collective unconscious and started feeding them to the brain just like say somebody would be with on a different substance where they might experience somebody else or some other form of being conscious or sentient and then there's the fear of losing one's pleasure so I feel like the ego is just it's a voice that creates epigenetic changes towards creating dopamine and not grading dopamine so it's just causing constant bursts of dopamine which there's receptors for in the brain and then we need more dopamine and more and at a certain point or it could depend on the individual who knows then a person becomes dopamine resistant and then that could even be when someone's like what is the point of life anymore because the ego dopamine isn't satisfying but we've hijacked those those circuits have been hijacked those aren't our only dimensions as human beings our brains are being warped I can only imagine that those areas of the brain with the dopamine circuits we probably the prefrontal cortex is like all big and tangled up and a mess and then the other areas of brain are like atrophying and not being used so thoughts are tied to pleasure pain and dopamine so one of the ways perhaps just silence the mind a little bit would be to decouple from pleasure pain i also have a feeling that the dopamine shuts up thought temporarily so it shuts up our voice very very temporarily so if we're feeling a painful thought that's our voice and it's a sensation in the body because it actually makes those molecules of emotion which causes epigenetic changes which probably increase the receptors for that emotion so by emoting in that way we're actually making ourselves more susceptible to a moding in that way and actually the movie what the bleep do we know from a long go talks about how we're addicted to certain emotions so we're actually going to purposely pick out the salient bits of a reality that's going to give us that emotional fix so one thing we're addicted to is dopamine and then another thing is a few different emotions that we've become addicted to so we keep reacting to that in our reality and when we decouple from that then we can experience the inner human dimension of infinite possibilities and we wouldn't become habituated to any one single emotion if we're not recognizing things if we're not recognizing we're not producing the images again which reinforce it in our body by recalling those images over and over so the image we create on our minds being the thought we have creates a mirror in terms of neurophysiology in and biochemistry in our body so our dopamine system has mainly been hijacked to get that voice to shut up but it just keeps talking it just needs something else and something else and something else it's never going to end so I feel like map consciousness isn't a meaningless brain disease it's trying to restore the brands like restart it's trying to reset the circuits because our brain has been taken over by the dopamine circuit and our body has been taken over by whatever emotions were addicted to so we're just reappear Ian Singh that all the time and that makes us habituated to it which almost makes us need more and more of that same emotion so we're being led down a road of that same emotion because that's what we're picking out of reality the brain has degenerated due to dopamine resistance normality so-called normality is a dopamine resistant brain and since it's hijacked in that way normality is a brain disease and map consciousness comes in and breaks that at part and shows us the whole spectrum like joy and love and in that way is creating some of those circuits even though the state doesn't last very long it's able to create the pattern of some of those other circuits like oxytocin and an and amide and who knows what else is trying to create some kind of variation because we can't all be dopamine robots seeking out our individual silly gratification that's going to destroy the planet and Gaia will not allow that I can see so many ways that guy I might take us out so map is actually a solution it's trying to save us from our dopamine hijacked ego meme virus consciousness I was thinking that I could design emap effortless manifestation action plan or embodied mania action plan I have a social purpose not individual goals can we be playfully disorganized
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I just finished reading an article online and it talks about this transgender teenager who ended his life in a Correctional Facility and the way the article was written just really bothered me because it's written in the context of hat the teenager had mental health help then perhaps this would have happened and that may or may not be true but the article talked about all the labels that this poor teenager inherited like schizophrenia symptoms borderline personality disorder trauma gender identity issues and just putting all these labels on this poor person who's no longer here and then at the end of the article it says if you're transgender or gender non-conforming and considering suicide call this number I thinking gender non-conforming what does that even mean like that is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard like as if somebody wants to call hotline after reading that oh I'm a non-conforming person it's just ridiculous and then the article talks about how this teenager was just granted a clinical help and then a few hours later was found not living and I don't think they yet were able to intervene with the clinical help but it acts like Oh had they just had clinical help everything would have been fine and that is far from the truth I feel like if this poor person got wind that they were going to have extra help that might have given them more impetus to say I don't want that help and this person was in there for lighting their house on fire setting fire to their house that kind of shows like the person's like fu that get away from me parents and then the parents are trying to come at this poor teenager with all this psychological clinical intervention the person's like peace out world it's just such a sad story because it's contorted in such a way that it's like oh well we need more clinical help for these people when it's not true we need more love and more understanding and more empathy and more compassion and daily life not more clinical interventions once somebody's out their wit's end like how did that even get to that point it's just so sad and terrifying it because what people think is help for people is not really that helpful it can be a good temporary band-aid but it doesn't fix anybody's problems I guess I'm just feeling a little bit ger about it because I have to make a choice between staying here and working and and maybe leaving the country for a bit to explore different opportunity and I don't know right now I'm on the path of the job but I don't even know if I feel comfortable working in the job and maybe I do more so on some days than others it's really difficult because I don't know peer support really fits that well within the mental health system it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole as its said just doesn't really fit and so am i setting people up for for disaster for failure because I know for myself working in peer support was kind of a failure and a disaster for me and I love supporting people but it's so difficult to support it within a context of something's wrong with the people not something's wrong with the greater whole of things and why do people get to that point and what I shared about that talk I went to her they said well how do you deal with so much child abuse and societal inequalities well you just medicate the people that aren't able to get through it because it's sort of designed so it happens to a large portion of people and I don't know if I want to work in terms of the reaction to something that happens so far down the line and it's putting the blame on the person like to put the blame on a person and say oh they're mentally ill is psychological scapegoating so I'm just having trouble with that today and maybe other things in general and this morning I woke up and I felt like huh maybe I'm sort of done making videos I don't know if anything else is going to really come through me and then I was editing my last two videos and I wrote bunch more stuff that made sense at the time so maybe it would be nice if I would be able to get to what i wrote quicker because if I can then it'll be more freshen in my brain in terms of what I was thinking because I the last videos I did I only really read out or talked about half of what i wrote down it's maybe because it just wasn't really resonating at the moment and these videos again are not about oh there's one way of seeing it alternative to the medical paradigm so there's a million other ways to think about it and see it and we can be creative and we can think about it in different ways and we can use our brains to think about it instead of just buying into the stigma story and that's the thing once a person gets a label they acquire the allostatic load of the stigma and then are said to need to recover from the label more so and the allostatic load of the label more so than the actual distress which may or may not be mental illness and I wrote down a note again about how it's not just about learning to control ourselves in different states of consciousness it's also about changing our behaviors in more balanced states of consciousness if you want to say that in order to create more neural pathways so when that extra energy comes in we have more degrees of freedom through which we can choose to express that energy in all those different states and part of that is also making relational pathways so not just behaving by oneself and a vacuum but ways of relating and that is a relational pathway and it's to do with the mirror neurons as well so extra energy wants to be made relational and I think part of it is to do with this urge to create new language and some of it is relational language not just language of the ego and me and my own desires and personal goals but relating and what can we build together and I think our ego structure is implied in the way we use language and that could be one of the ways that language is actually turned against us that's turned inward and circular in our prefrontal cortex and it's not allowed to just channel through us there needs to be a worldcentric language a language knowing that we're all the same and it's all one organism like ants imagine if all the ants started acting on their own we're being thanked by our own voice we're not actually thinking and we feel we have the freedom of choice because we can choose one sentence in our brain in our own voice over another and we just pick between those two sentences but both are sentencing us to a life of limitation based on our own past thoughts in our own voice and the thing with this worldcentric consciousness and perception this trans consciousness we start to feel ourselves differently we start to experience feelings and emotions and sensations that our ego self or linear thought pattern would block off and that linear thought pattern is our own voice is sound and there are other vibrations that we would sense and feel if we weren't blocked by the sound of our own voice and the ego is actually 741 Hertz which is dissonant with the frequency of love and we would actually be in contact with that frequency and that frequency would feed us different sounds and images on our mind screen which would actually be congruent with the field of love that nature and the universe is and the sound of our voice is what actually moves us out of alignment with the field of gravity so working on one's posture is one way to quiet one's own voice and one's own head slightly and I wonder because they talk about how our intentions in our language changes our DNA or changes the structure of the water in our body well I wonder if we have worldcentric intentions because it's one thing to just change one's thoughts from bad about oneself to good about oneself but what about if one isn't thinking about oneself at all what if one is thinking about the greater humanity I feel the sound of our own voice our ego this discordant frequency pulls us out of alignment with the universal mind which we have access to at any moment it doesn't take time there's no such thing as personal develop to make the ego better and better and better that is just a thought that is just a sound in our mind it's not actuality actualities when the mind is silent and then we're actually in the field of love which is 528 Hertz with no discordant ego happening and that only takes snap of a finger so personal growth is false it's actually just something that happens in a moment and when a person is in the field of love and congruent with that one flowers one doesn't need to think about personal growth it's a flowering of consciousness because we are also that love and they talked about in that Len Horowitz interview that a blade of grass vibrates at 528 Hertz which is the frequency of love well I feel we also vibrate at 528 Hertz and I think that's actually her adjacent light body vibration but when we're having our own ego thoughts in her own head it pulls us out of alignment with that and we're not anymore vibrating at 528 Hertz because we have this voice in our head going blah blah blah and that sound is permeating our entire being it's not just happening in our head it's changing every single cell in our body and pulling us and pulling us into the field of gravity and when we're pulled into the field of gravity like that when we're out of alignment we feel ourselves more when we feel ourselves more we feel ourselves as separate when we're in alignment we feel ourselves and we arise as the relationship as the oneness that we're all in that field of love of 528 Hertz and our own voice in our own head is constantly bringing up old memories and we do that in order to avoid pain so if we have a painful that and we bring up a pleasurable memory then we feel pleasure and then this just keeps going and going and we're living in our own memories and that would be like using our smartphone just to look at old pictures and never doing anything else with it and looking at all the time and not looking around at what's going on outside which is kind of how it's getting but it's sort of like that I feel 528 Hertz is hypo front ality so Steven Kotler talks about transient hypo front ality which happens in flow well I feel that we can be in hypo fertility all the time it doesn't have to be transient it's just when the mind isn't chattering when it's not chattering we're in the field of love which is 528 Hertz which is all of nature and Gaia and we're part of Gaia and if we were in the field of love we would be cooperating and collaborating with the energy of Gaia and so I think that to think we need this cognition going on all the time that's actually what is making us feel separate and when we don't have that happening we feel oneness so to need to train to be some kind of extreme athlete in order to do that it actually takes no time at all and to Len Horowitz talked about a gross onyx which is using sound to make plants grow more well I think there's actually Gaius onyx which is just the frequency of love in there's that sonic energy all around us 528 Hertz is the c-note it's an actual sound so when we're not hearing the sound of our own voice which is interfering with the sound of 528 Hertz we are sensing that 528 Hertz with our heart and that feeds different sounds into our brain which are barely perceptible it more feels like intuition and that could be partly what intuition is we sort of hear this and see this and since this thing and it's very very quiet sound like it's like how do i know that i didn't think that myself but it's this impression this pattern this holistic perception that comes up and that's more how we can actually perceive all the time if our minds aren't chattering I'm not saying anything new this is all that Eckhart Tolle is talking about all the time is a silent mind and I would actually like to thank him for my silent mind because it was his process that allowed my mind to become silent and so our brain our ego operates on pleasure pain seeking pleasure and avoiding pain so we use happy images if we're in pain and the painful images come back so then we use the pleasurable images again but we're actually using these images in our mind these illusions as self-medication and what happens is an image goes into the mind that's pleasurable and we actually receive a hit of dopamine for example and then a painful image comes in and we try to either bring in a pleasurable image which gives us the dopamine again or we say go and eat a cookie or go and watch TV so all these things that give us dopamine before I talk about that I realized i've talked before about how the voice in our head scrambles the flow energy that we would otherwise have access to so that prefrontal cortex stuff is mostly just noise and it's scrambling the energy and that makes sense in terms of the sound so the sound is coming in and hitting the heart because there's a heart brain and that information there's seven times as many neural pathways up to the brain so it's supposed to be actually sending information to the brain from the heart and and I think that's partly blocked because we're playing images on our mind screen which is actually interfering and blurring our actual vision of the outside if we're not actually looking outside fully if we have all these interference patterns of images in the way then there's no way that that sound energy that hits the heart the 528 Hertz can actually be seen because it's not seen with our perception with our eyes so the image is interfering and the sound is interfering with the sound of the 528 Hertz as well 528 Hertz is probably the sound of silence and that's what I was talking about before with how the prefrontal actually wastes energy if the sound energy is coming in the sound in our mind which is discordant is wasting the energy that we always have access to every moment it's not about producing better voices in our head in order to get to that it's about silence and it's obviously about silence in a way because that's what flow researchers are researching the researching how people that get to extreme athlete status are able to shut their mind up because they basically have to in order to be that elite and one of the ways that one of the reasons why they like doing it is because it makes them have a silent mind and it makes them feel free but we don't have to be extreme adventure athletes in order to do that it's accessible to us right this moment not five steps or ten steps or twelve steps right now and that's the only time we can ever access it is now because if we're thinking we're not in the now and also I think I said last video how then Horowitz said that water is a super conductor of light and sound so if you think of the light and sound energy around us and the sound energy of 528 Hertz it comes into our apparatus and if we're perceiving it that's going to change the structure of water in our bodies and that's going to change our posture and our strength and our alignment and it's also going to change how we transmit the sound so right now we're just transmitting the sound of our ego voice and it's messing up the structure of our water and it's just keeping us stuck in that limited space with our own self but if we are decoupled from that and if it's quiet then all of a sudden our whole structure chefs immediately because the structure of water shifts immediately and the sound is of 528 Hertz is able to be channeled through us but as soon as we start chattering on it's over we shift back and that's why in moments of awe when we are we're awestruck and we're not thinking we lose perception of ourselves we are almost everything in that moment but then it switches back and we're just in our thinking mind again I drew a little drawing again so this is the 528 Hertz coming up to the brain and then there's this I think it's 741 I can't remember in the prefrontal cortex which is like scrambling as a key and this pretty much is our ego self which represents society so it's sort of a mirror of that and this represents knowing like I am ms she is this which is the judge and we actually need a space of not knowing and wondering and being open and curious in order to suspend this that's how we are as children and I wrote down a variation of the quote I think therefore I am I wrote I think therefore i think i know which is actually pretty dangerous because we're limited by what we think we know and we can't really see anything outside of that and the 744 hurts or the 741 I can't remember is the ego thinking and it thinks therefore it thinks it's separate it thinks it's an ego it could even be said I think therefore I am lonely and I again think that if we can see with our hearts we don't need science because seeing what their hearts is actually seeing holistically and it paints a picture on our mind screen of sounds and images that make things really obvious our strongest perceptual apparatus is clear eyes and a clear heart and when the ego is scrambled or quiet then the heart mind can give the proper information to the brain as the brain hasn't been hijacked by ego thinking process of one's own voice and one's own head it's amazing how we've been imprisoned by our own voice I also feel that if the brains not getting proper information from the heart mind then the brain is going to decay decays by the limited structure of society and the ego actually blocks the endo mimetics so I talked before about endo mimetics and that's the memes the ideas and thoughts and insights that come out of nowhere kind of like Eureka or serendipity we can have a lot of these if we're perceiving reality without self abstraction and conceptualization about past memories that aren't part of the present moment if we're carrying the past into the present we can't meet the present and see the present for what it is but when we can that's the sound 528 Hertz I believe that when it hits the heart and when we're seeing with their eyes through this out 528 Hertz not the images that are produced by the 744 741 hurts those produce images that get in the way when we're silent were in 528 mode and then that hits our heart and produces the endo mimetics the new memes and the new perceptions that we can see and wonder about and that's part of the inner science like oh that's interesting like today I saw two daddy long leg spiders in my place and they were both doing this weird thing where they're like on the wall like really eat squash to the wall in like a mini web by themselves and I was I saw them there like that two days ago and then I looked today and I thought oh I think they're waiting to see if it's safe to actually make their full little web cuz i recently vacuumed and probably got their webs they seemed to like know I was gonna vacuum because they all moved so their webs are gone so it almost looks like they're just kind of waiting and biding their time to be like where should I make my web la-dee-da and I don't know if that's true but it was much more interesting than 0 10 years ago blah blah blah blah blah blah blah so it's just one of those things that I could think that say I'm going to spend the next 10 years doing scientific experiments to prove that or i could just rely on my own inner wisdom to think well that may or may not be true I don't know interesting insight but by having that clear perception i was able to have that insight and doesn't really matter if it's true it's just interesting and it's it's creative it's something different it's something new and if we were able to see reality in those ways all the time with so many different things that we see there'd be less need for TV and i'm not saying thinking that a spider on the wall is more interesting that TV but it can be I feel like when we're in that field of 528 Hertz and were one with it we have access to that information because we are one with it it's the same vibration whatever it is at that vibration we can perceive at that level and speaking of dr. David Hawkins I haven't really talked that much about his work because I haven't been reading it recently but I have in the past and he talks about muscle testing and it's interesting since my last hospitalization I always test strong for everything so it no longer works for me and I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign but I used to be able to do like push my own arm and say my name and then say a different name and then it would be weak but now it's just strong no matter what I ask and you'd have to look up applied kinesiology and muscle testing to know what I'm talking about but I just find it strange that I see it as now I'm in a field of strength perhaps so can't really use it anymore maybe and just perceiving itself is the same thing as that like the feeling of strength or weakness inside based on what I am perceiving in a way like the article I read today that made me feel awful and weak not intellectually but actually I feel too like being out of alignment with gravity due to the ego thinking process and other things but one of them is the ego thinking process is one of the things that causes the epigenetic changes like actually being out of alignment with gravity is going to change our genetics ever so slightly so that would perhaps create a selective pressure to perhaps create more of a certain protein that holds our muscles to our bones stronger so then now our muscles shortened because we need more tendon or ligament for example and I'm just making that up but it would make sense that over time even over time when we hunch forward eventually our vertebrae they actually fuse together in our neck to keep us up against the force of gravity and if we are in proper alignment that's not going to happen our vertebrae won't fuse together like that so the field of gravity would be the one to cause the genetics to change in such a way for the bones to create more bone tissue to fuse it together now what other epigenetic changes are created by being out of alignment with the field of gravity besides structural ones like that and again it's all the same thing I'm seeing a lot of what I'm saying is circular because it's the ego thoughts the sound the discordant sound that pulls a set of alignment partially as well as say physical injury and then that pulling out of alignment causes epigenetic changes from the field of gravity as well as epigenetic changes from the actual voice and the sounds which is our intention and our thoughts which changes the structure of water which would also change our alignment in the field of gravity as well as change the structure of water so it's a different conductor of sound and light as it's a liquid crystal semi conductor of sound and light so it's going to not be able to receive the 528 Hertz from the universe and that's why I say there are special messages from the universe as 528 Hertz which we see that 528 Hertz everywhere but when we're thinking in 741 or 744 it's blocking us from seeing that because the images are in the way and it's interference pattern in the way and the prefrontal cortex is scrambling that energy so there's an energetic thing going on a sound thing going on a light thing going on and I think sound and light are related and perhaps it is that they're related through water maybe that's the thing that the Dolphins give the clue to with how they produce those underwater loops and when they produce them out of their their sonar device thing it produces light so they're able to produce light with making sound bubbles so the way light and sound are related could be actually through water and I remember saying in a different video I think that I had a different insight that I think I'm more thirsty because I'm doing a lot of talking and talking actually makes you lose water and doing hours of talking on these videos but I'm seeing to that it could be that if my structure is shifting again that I might need more water and it could be however much the brain is made up of water too when the water and the brain shifts and it's more able to receive this 528 Hertz as well and I think there's still part of us that's always receiving the 528 Hertz and to me that's the adjacent light body and the adjacent leg body could just be the light and then we're mostly water and minerals and minerals or frequencies of light and then the sound so we're made out of like sound minerals which are frequencies of light so light light sound and water so that's kind of or made out of and sound could be one of the underlying principles but since we don't have silent minds we're operating in a disordered fashion so when we're in 528 Hertz mode which is kind of silence in a way it's sound but it would be a silent mind we're in that map consciousness which is more the dimension of light and sound of the human collective unconscious so when we decouple from our own personal ego sound we can go into the light sound dimension of the collective unconscious and when we're perceiving and seeing and acting based on that eventually it becomes too incongruent with this outer reality normally our compass is our ego voice at 741 or 7 544 hurts don't know which it is and so when we drop into 528 Hertz we have a different compass and that compass is beyond duality of good bad right wrong it's transpolar in a way it's trans consciousness as its trans duality that experience is always richer there's different feelings and thoughts and it's not just me yes me know good bad whatever it's a state based on sameness which were not usually used to operating base on sameness how there's so much similarity and it makes us gravitate towards everything because it feels so one when we're not making these distinctions and judgments with our ego we actually have a lot more energy and when we do it allows this other state to arise we arise as the sameness in relationship we don't arise as the judgment that differentiates and finds differences and that could be part of how it gets scary as we see that we are the same as the person who's judged is the worst of the worst and we're the same as the highest of the highest and everything in between we can arise as anything given certain situation like if we look at somebody we feel that and we feel that sameness because we know if we were living their life we would be in their exact same shoes we're just not living their life we didn't have that path but we can see how we could have or we might have or we might and when we feel that sameness inside we feel more responsible we feel more able to respond because we can actually feel what it's like and there's all these inner human dimensions that we have access to that are blocked by inner men tations thoughts and the internment ations create inner time and space and that inner time and space blocks all the million possible rich experiences of the inner human dimensions and that's not even just the characteristics that we think of that I've mentioned say play laughter love connection whatever I'm seeing to that each moment is new and there's no moment ever to be repeated and if we're in those inner human dimensions of that multidimensionality it's actually infinite so we can experience our life in each moment as it unfolds always in an entirely different way and it just becomes more and more rich not good bad right wrong yes no pleasure pain those are very limited and that's how we experience it and we base it on the past images that we've recorded and since we're recording and facing things on past images were experiencing things in a very very very limited way each moment is always knew I think that's part of the inner human dimensions I never realized that until now that it's always new it's not just about say eight dimensions or 20 dimensions or their I have an appt universe of emotions with like 20,000 emotions those are 20,000 emotions but there's probably zillions of actual ways to perceive in a way because even with that example with the spider on the wall that was just one thing but if that happened each moment that I was perceiving and wondering and curious it would always be something new if I was always looking at something different and wondering and something came to my mind screen through the endo mimetics by being connected to 528 Hertz it would always be new would be like watching a new TV show every second of every day that was just completely new and fresh and I think life is supposed to be that way and in a way people who say take LSD often experience themselves as like a distant star and a plant and an amoeba each one of those is a rich experience in its own and unique so even we can experience that and we are in a way because everything is experiencing everything and we're connected to everything so we could tune in to those other things but we're tuned into our ego so we don't tune into or ask or perceive those other things and if we did long enough perceive and understand we would understand what it is that we're here to be doing if people could actually look at things and understand we wouldn't harm other things because the things that are harmed we would look at and feel that harm and feel ourselves as that and we would be completely terrified we need to be our embodied humanik selves hu dash manic as in the colors the spectrum of mania mania gives us access to the entire spectrum of human consciousness and it's just a taste because again what arises each moment is always brand-new but we go back into our ego self and go back to experiencing and re experiencing our old conceptualizations memories and abstractions about ourselves Oh 50 minutes
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bipolar is a solution to the ego and mediocrity part of this is creating new words or terms partly to get rid of stigma in a way but not just equivalent terms so I i saw that PTSD was changed to operational stress injury so that's sort of like an equivalent right whereas i would say that you could also make extra valence meaning bipolar disorder is like a disease whereas i see it actually as a gift and strength so if i was to change it to something else i might say hacking mania implying it something that you want even though it stems from a supposed mental illness as it is interpreted by society and psychiatry it's one thing to transform words into equivalence and it's another thing to transform them into extra valence in order to show that there are dimensions beyond the pathology I could say that I'm extra polar I have more polls I don't think I just have to low and high I'm not like an on and off switch and I thought of kind of a joke I thought of if I'm bipolar does that make so-called normal people homopolar can I call normal people homopolar I'm curious about these Homo Polar's they're so consistent and afraid they always act the same in public but I'm sure they go home and cry about it later I used to be homopolar myself now i'm omnipotent houma Polar's tell me about being omnipotent yet transitioned the universe is making us trans polar just as people can have a sex change people can also have a change in consciousness the ego can be surgically removed by the universe this is part of the evolution of consciousness we're getting into connection with the inner human dimensions we used to have when we were children the celebration body the silly body the laughter body the inside body the learning body and then we arise as those inner human dimensions which is multi-dimensional not this unit dimensional ego thought image sound structure altered states of consciousness are multi-dimensional where the ego consciousness is Uni mentation ille it's thinking all the time along the same lines thinking about itself and that is in itself an illusion because there's no self to think about there is thought thinking about itself and I remember reading in the book the politics of experience by already laying that psychosis is necessary that's why it happens and I wonder what would make psychosis not necessary what would make it so we don't need psychiatry because nobody goes into psychosis I think it has something to do with the fact that reality sucks and we have to create it to not suck by being are embodied manic selves i'm omnipotent it took a while to learn how to steer normal people their consciousness is like an atari game it's like just like a joystick like yes no maybe so right wrong good bad up down left right and there's a lot more gears and controls when we get in touch with manic consciousness if there was a constitution for people with bipolar disposition I'm sure one of the amendments would be the right to bare buns I also realized I was talking before probably several times about allostatic load which I learned about from dr. Daniel Siegel and how certain stressors add up and it can accumulate as what's called a low static lobe which is just basically an accumulation of stress and it's different for different people and certain people are more you know resilient than others but I came to a realization the other day that certain people are actually allostatic load for me like just being around them kind of feels like and I'm sure I'm that way for some people as well so it's interesting it's like certain people resonate with certain people and certain people actually increase one's allostatic load and then certain people actually decrease it I was actually just thinking now that a psychiatrist who give someone a diagnosis just basically throws on a huge allostatic load of the collective of what that means and the implications of that so that is not good and that could be one of the things about the diagnosis is and that's why I don't agree necessarily with it because it increases one's allostatic load when it's already in a compromised place so to be in that distress place and then have that put on it's so close to game over for so many people at that point for some people it is so really emotional CPR and things like that would be so helpful to not be pathologized and maybe at some point it would be good to be pathologized but not right away it seems like bipolar disposition goes from a state of a low static lightness having a way less stress than a normal ego consciousness would and then to allostatic load where everything feels dark and heavy and I feel part of that is the collective and somebody told me a quote and it was a Carl Jung quote and it was paraphrased he didn't know it word for word but he said that Carl Jung said that loneliness isn't the lack of people around you it is lack of opportunity to say things that are meaningful to you and I wrote that down because that's what I'm doing on these videos as I'm speaking about things that are meaningful to me and just to myself in self dialogue and that's mainly because I don't have a consistent person I can talk to all the time about this I am NOT in the financial position at this moment to pay someone to talk to me and even if I did it would be a very slow process over weeks and weeks like an hour a week maybe for like weeks and weeks and weeks whereas I can talk to myself anytime I want so I guess I'm just saying that saying meaningful things doesn't necessarily mean to have to talk to somebody I can just talk to myself and maybe that's better than nothing I also thought about how thought is usually recognizing the past and that's lack of a quark sensation because we're not really thinking oh that's the past be quiet we let it go on we let it affect us we let it affect our physiology and so that lack of X fork sensation actually increases allostatic load we're overloading ourselves with information from the past and it makes it more difficult to deal with information and the present moment and Krishnamurti talks about in one of his videos about how it's not about how to stop thought he said it's about how to not record and so I thought of how recording is allostatic load if we're recording stuff it's going to be heavy in our system whereas if we don't it just passes through us he does talk about how in order to not record one has to be very alert and aware and attentive to the moment I wrote down a while ago that another term for psychosis could be curious subconscious discovery time I feel like I'm attempting to recreate my life energy as relational not egocentric so it's worldcentric development or orientation of consciousness and that relates to the relational mind that relates to oxytocin and bonding personal development implies isolation in a way a flower doesn't think I'm going to personally develop it still develops into something but it requires to be related to bees and air and sunlight and dirt and soil microorganisms or to say I'm going to personally develop is kind of silly I mentioned in other videos the word ability shin and i came across the word habilitation with an h and and it actually means assisting a child with achieving developmental skills when impairments have caused delaying or blocking of initial acquisition of skills and I feel like map consciousness is coming in to help a person develop skills certain behavior patterns certain ways of being that are actually what is there when the ego is scrambled so this energy this manic consciousness is habilitation yet psychiatry comes in and blocks that so it actually blocks the habilitation it's blocking the transformation is blocking the trends consciousness and a person in trans consciousness can eventually integrate both the other consciousness and the ego consciousness within that consciousness not mistaking itself for the ego consciousness and not mistaking that dimension as what is driving life I saw an email from Jason Silva and he said the new billionaire will attempt to reach out and touch the lives of a billion people and if it's true the one out of five people develop a so-called mental illness that means that if I were to reach a billion people it would be half of the people with mental health stuff or maybe not all people with mental health stuff but people that support people with mental health stuff and mania and psychosis is the universe playing different music through us we hear different music we hear different sound and we behave in different ways the stuff I've talked about about safety in my videos it's like being prepared for the inner earthquake it shakes up the inner it's like the ground that we walk on is not the most fundamental thing there's plates underneath and those are moving and they can shake and shake up the stuff on the surface and is shaking of the ego in order to orient us towards world centricity normality is the misuse of the mind body heart as it unfolds in time and mania tries to reteach us how to use it tries to get us to remember by stopping it'll be cool to create something like a visionary Learning Alliance so we can just continue to learn together I'm interested in what's possible not solving problems this is a learning conversation with myself I have another word transformation mental health system goes to mental health system
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this is my office and it's kind of messy but where it was before my upstairs neighbor star watching TV and I can hear it through the floor and it's kind of distracting I'm gonna go over some of things I wrote down in the last while and one of the things I wrote down is lose your mind to gain the universal mind and that is again that when the ego starts to break down and get scrambled we get into greater contact with the universal mind and it's somewhat the collective mind of humanity and that's why we can have access to information overload and other things that we feel we know that we shouldn't be able to know and just things that aren't a regular everyday ego consciousness so I feel like those states are actually symptoms of oneness not symptoms of personal mental illness we're starting to feel like we're one and it's difficult to to act and behave when we're perceiving things that aren't felt as us but it's felt as us we know it's from somewhere else it's not our normal feeling state so I feel like it's partly because we are what arises as us in relationship so it's not the ego with its defenses and delineation is keeping us separate but we arise as relationship and we're trying to act based on the arising of that relationship which could be the truth of that relationship if it's with someone we know then it can be quite strenuous because we can actually sense the energy of us in that state plus their energy and it's confusing so we act out of character because our characters what keeps us in consistency a new memes and new weems are technically sort of like hallucinations and delusions but I feel we can hallucinate a better reality we can hallucinate a better reality into existence and I was thinking too that the aliens are us and they're dreaming of the day when they were still human beings on earth and didn't destroy all the complexity didn't turn into these ubiquitous creatures that all look the same and I thought of a little thing thrive dive and revive for bipolar disposition because I feel like I can thrive for a certain period of time and I might go for a little bit of a dive but then I get revived and it's not too and I wouldn't want to not thrive to avoid the dive and I thought about the term fearless and I want to transform that I want to do one of my word transformations then turn fearless into love more not fear less and I had a realization that language is a living thing it wants to evolve and we get caught in these language structures and we're caught by our own voice in our own head keeping us in a prison of sound and preventing us from seeing beyond our own conceptualizations and I thought of that in terms of how most people that go into mania really connects with language in that they feel like their poets are their wrappers and I felt like a rapper at one point and its really playing with language in order to create and in order to learn and to learn about the language structure and the underlying meaning and the implicit bits that we don't necessarily hear or know about when we just use it in a regular daily basis when we get a grasp of it beyond daily use we can actually start to play with language and create language and we are language and sound machines why don't we create language just like we create anything else and part of this too is to create context which is really evolving the language that we use to describe these experiences our current language induces fear it's i vs you + with these weems that i'm trying to create or memes some of them are memes but whatever one's resonate maybe they become weems that become something that we would think together at the same time and that's more powerful than thinking about oneself in one's own voice in one's own head and I realized the first time I was in manic consciousness I could see language in this way and I was trying to create new language not a completely new language but just additions to language or transformations I think partly it needs to be a language of we if we're going to create a good society we need a language of goodness and we connect with this other language or this ability to create new language and part of it is just new insights and new extrapolations and we can also extrapolate language not just new words and thoughts and ideas but extrapolations of language and word transformations and rearranging words to make more sense because we can hear and see how certain words actually are energetically harmful when I was in the psych ward in April and somebody came to visit me and they were talking to someone else every word sounded like I could hear the the harm in every word and since we don't have the language in the context to express ourselves and and even to have that context within ourselves before we go into a different state so we don't get afraid and then if we get afraid and then we go into the mental health we're pathologized with pathologizing language and then we become prisoners of that language in that way of seeing and it's about making it relational and I watched a video by Sean Blackwell today and he was giving an update and he does some great work the one thing that troubled me was he said that he named his business awakenings personal development and he is kind of a genius with what he did with his videos about bipolar or waking up but waking up to what like waking up for what for one's own personal development I think that kind of misses the point of spiritual awakening because it's we're all one so awakenings personal development to me is a bit of a misnomer and that's why I wanted to call my business world centricity wellness because I am NOT interested in working with anybody that wants to develop personally I think personal development if you call it that is kind of a byproduct of moving towards world centricity if you wake up and then just develop a stronger ego it's kind of not really waking up the universe changes our behavior as the universe for the universe and that's another thing I don't want to help people go back to or cope with their shitty life it's about creating a new society where people don't have to live shitty lives and if we focus on that we're going to forget about the fact that our life is I was listened to a TED talk about change your frequency to change your life and the lady brought up dr. Emoto who did the studies on water and how the structure of water is affected by one's thoughts and he did certain experiments to show this and since we are a large percentage water if we're thinking in a certain way that's going to change the structure the water in our body and I was wondering if that is a way that some of the muscle tension gets created so if there's water in our muscles and we think in a certain way is going to alter the structure the water in our muscles it's going to change the tension in our muscles so that could be a way that the ego and those thoughts actually change the structure of our body which changes the effect of the field of gravity on our body if we're not in alignment and our intentions and our thoughts change our DNA so they have epi genetic effects on our DNA so words and sounds have effects on our DNA so not only do words and sounds have effect on the water they also have effect on our DNA which causes epigenetic changes which basically we are killing ourselves with our own thoughts she also mentioned dr. David Hawkins and his scale of consciousness which I may have talked about before but she said healing begins at joy so if you need to heal go out and play I used to do a lot of that and now I don't so much and I think that's part of the trouble that's why I want to create safety so we can thrive we can be safe if we can feel safe and then thrive and then if we take a dive if we know how to keep ourselves safe and then as we thrive we can be more playful and play and embody our mania abba was so called a love whistle it's 528 Hertz and today I came across a video on YouTube which was an interview with Len Horowitz and I learned about his work quite a few years ago now and he was talking about 528 Hertz and how it's the frequency of love and how it's actually the frequency of a blade of grass and it's the frequency of the Sun and it's the frequency of chlorophyll and how all of nature is based on 528 Hertz and that's why nature's healing and I thought of how mania could almost be like resonating again with 528 Hertz because he was talking about how the ego actually is discord with the universe and it's a different frequency the frequency I can't find it right now but some like seven hundred and something and that's the frequency that they put into all of music since the nineteen thirty since they realized that it's basically discord with love so what he was talking about was the heart is 528 Hertz and the ego is this discordant frequency and this to me again is related to how I was talking about when the ego voice is going on were contorted in the force of gravity and were not one with our light body were not in alignment with it and that sound is what makes us tense up and hunched over and then we're not in alignment with the force of gravity which would make us not sense ourselves so much and he was saying how dolphins create light through sano luminescence which was really interesting basically whatever sound apparatus they have they can make those bubbles with the water and it produces light so I was talking before about how the ego is a thought which is a sound which creates an image which is light on the inner mind screen and that's the image of the ego self which we take to be our self which is the conceptualization and the abstraction and it's from past memory and so since it's not now it has two tents us up and so that sound creates the image of light so when there's no sound of the ego we can just see perceive the light outside and that light actually when we see and understand immediately then we'll hear maybe some sounds of how to express ourselves or insights or things that we never thought of before because we're not just thinking of what we thought of before and it was interesting because he talked about how the voice and sounds are creative and he talked about how the lips are the most powerful healing instrument in the universe because of our voices and it's interesting to me because I've done so much of this talking to myself or putting voice to what it was that I wanted to say to myself as self dialogue and then I found this video who that sort of said yeah it's good to use your voice and he talks about biblical references of let there be light and that was a sound and then the sound created the light he said your lips and the sound you make with your lips is the most powerful healing technology in the universe and sound is the principle creative technology and that's true because the ego sound in her head of our own voice is basically destroying us but say that was silent for example but we could still speak with our voice outward it would be a creative act and it wouldn't be coming from the ego talking actually think science is way too slow only a certain amount of people get trained with the scientific lens and then they're given the responsibility to do the scientific studies to tell everyone what is true when in manic consciousness things are very self evident so if we didn't train people into these specialized lenses we'd actually be able to just look at things and see for ourselves if science discovers a certain truth that truth was there before they discovered it so there's there's millions of truths that they will never get to discover but there's still truths they just haven't thought to design an experiment around that one little variable the map lens the mania and psychosis lens is more powerful as its immediate they're talking about a gross onyx where plants grow faster with certain sounds and i would say most of the ego sounds are destructive so they're talking about sounds that are beneficial but we're not surrounded by those kind of sounds were surrounded by noise and our own ego noise and it's all destructive and they said sound interacts with physiology oh the tuning that was detrimental as a 440 and apparently all modern songs are tuned to that frequency and it's a diss easing frequency and they also said it suppresses the heart chakra which goes with what I was talking about how the ego suppresses the heart and when we are in matted consciousness we are seeing with our heart we're seeing patterns and when you mentioned that it suppresses the heart chakra he said and then science becomes the new God and he didn't elaborate on that but to me it sounds like if we can see with our hearts we don't need science I feel like we can become one with the vibration of nature which is 528 I feel that that happens in manic consciousness because we're in the vibration of our heart we're seeing with our heart and when it comes to transitioning into so-called psychosis it's because once seen with one's hard and one's heart broken and he also said there's a heart mind and an ego mind and that's definitely true the heart math Institute talks about that and how there's more neural pathways going from the heart to the brain than from the brain to the heart and I feel when the ego is scrambled by manic consciousness we're seeing with our heart and so we have access to so much more information and it's being sent to the brain and in that way it's reap a turning the brain maybe it's that it's our voice that is our epigenetics our own voice and we can use it outward or we can abuse it inward actually he said 741 hurts is dissonance and that is the frequency of the ego and it's dissonant to the heart so in my mind what he's saying is any thought in one's own head in one's own voice about anything positive or negative is dissonance because it's an abstraction about reality it's not actuality it's moving us away from the present moment which tenses our structure which one's it hundreds us over and we're not in alignment with the field of gravity and our DNA is having poor epigenetic expression and our water is off why do we record things translate it into our own voice and use it against ourselves we are imprisoned by our own voice and by having that voice inside that sound is creating light on the inner mind screen which is blocking perception it's difficult to project and see Beauty outwards if we're doing that and it's difficult to be spontaneous and play and no wonder when we decouple from that we become very spontaneous and very playful and very happy and very silly and inconsistent because the ego is the thing that keeps us consistent those recordings which are recorded in our own voice and produce those images just keep playing a repeating sequence of images on our mind screen and that's what we play our entire life which is such a small fraction of what's available in any moment sometimes we self-medicate to escape ourselves but the universe also wants us to escape ourselves and that's why would go into those states such as mania and I'm wondering if fish oil sort of helps the hippocampus by blocking sound sort of like oil would block sound more than water perhaps our own voice can end up trying to use us because we're not using our voices for love
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I haven't made a video in about a week or so because I've been really busy with work but then what happens as the amount of stuff I write that I want to talk to myself about really piles up so I have a bunch to catch up on and also i'm probably going to start with what i've seen most recently and then work backwards i'm also going to try to start standing up because i am spending quite a lot of time doing this so it's better to stand as sitting is one of the leading causes of death even when i was editing my last videos i was walking in the park while editing and it probably makes me look like one of those people that just has their face in their phone but at least I'm among the trees I'm sort of working but among the trees and and also i need to keep the videos a bit shorter i noticed if they're about 10 minutes shorter they upload a lot faster and also if they go to the cloud before i edit them they should be easier to get out of the cloud if i don't make such long videos but i just keep talking and talking and talking and the point of my videos is there for myself really their self dialogue I don't have anyone to come and do open dialogue with me so it's just self dialogue and it's mainly for the purpose of unfolding context and making sense of my experiences and also sharing the insights and the extrapolations that I feel that I see I'm up to 58 videos on the playlist i'm creating and i feel like i barely scratched the surface of what i want to talk to myself about yesterday i went to an event put on by the hearing voices group in my area and i never gone to a group like that before but I had a feeling it would resonate with me to some extent as its voices and visions I've even seen a group called voices visions and extraordinary experiences if a person has visions that sort of implies that there's somewhat of a visionary perhaps and I identify with being a bit of a visionary sometimes what was exciting about the group was that they had two presenters speaking about their experience going to the hearing voices Congress in Paris France and they were two people that work in the mental health system that weren't voice hearers but in their position they work with people that your voices as well as I feel they they also have hearing voices group that they may or may not support that in terms of actually work in they support the group that's why they went to the conference but I was really blown away by their presentation because they gave a summary of four of the speakers that they went to see and everything that they said was related to everything that I've been researching in the last two years and it's more along the lines of the story that I choose to tell myself but I haven't really spoken out about except to myself on these videos for the most part and that was the point of me speaking on these videos so I have someone to talk to about it and give voice to it and not just keep it inside and so I was really pleasantly surprised by the fact that these two people that work in the system were sharing their perspective on what they learned at this conference as if they were somebody with lived experience in that they completely understood for the most part what it was that the presenters were saying what they were trying to illustrate and the things they shared were quite amazing and not surprising him that I didn't already sort of have those realizations myself but to hear people that work in the system who don't have lived experience saying these things plus they're going to be meeting with people this month and or next month and next year and they're going to actually hold a conference in my city regarding stuff related to it and they're kind of saying who should we invite to speak and then so I'm thinking wow this is totally amazing that this kind of conversation is going to start to happen around here and I just found it really interesting that it's sort of the same timing like I made a blog post that said something along the lines of I'm not going to speak about my turn myself in terms of mental illness like bipolar disorder anymore because I it just reinforces it and it's not it anyway and that was the same date that they would have been in Paris and learning about this stuff and then they come back and I went to this event and I was really tired I didn't I wanted to go but I was tired so I but I did go and i was thinking wow this is like life altering that they were going to be sharing with their mental health team and then they're going to be sharing with a larger team of mental health workers in the area soon and then they're going to be putting on this conference and I'm like whoa that is incredible and I almost feel like me talking to myself about this context is almost giving me some kind of like inner strength in a way if you put it that way like inner context it's almost reaffirmed it in my own brain cells by hearing myself say it and then editing the video and hearing myself say it again and then creating new memes and insights based on what I've said and building on that and so I feel like I'm ready to participate in having that conversation in the the D pathologizing aspect and and so was pretty exciting and I I was actually invited to speak at something and then this other lady asked me if I wanted to be interviewed on the radio because I was sharing that yeah I don't really believe in mental illness like if I have a diagnosis of some kind that's my psychiatrist business they go to school to learn that lens and it's a very specialized lens of how to view people and one of the things that saved me was never really believing that in my heart and I'm not saying it doesn't have an element of truth of course it does in the context of society I'm not denying how I might be interpreted by other people but that's not how I interpret myself and that's not how I want to speak about it going forward and even if I experience distress sometimes and that one that could be interpreted as Oh your mental illness is acting up sure if that's the only way they can help me right now then fine but I am also interested in unfolding different contexts and other options for people to understand their experience some people want to understand it in terms of mental illness and that's just fine but and some people probably don't know there's another way to understand it but would be happy to hear about it or if they heard it they would resonate with it and be like yeah that makes more sense to me and with me doing all this talking the reason why I'm doing so much talking and not editing all of it out is because it's not about Oh pick out this piece and then learn it and then use it to inform your life it's no open up one's open up your own brain and start learning for yourself because if I tell you something or somebody tells you something that is not learning so this is me just talking and creating context that if any of it resonates with you that means you already know it and it's not something that I told you it's just something that resonates and then maybe you'll feel it within yourself and you'll see it within yourself and it makes sense within your own experience and that means it's yours this has nothing to do with me and that's part of my feeling is that it is a common experience and it has a lot of common context but that context hasn't been unfolded and with technology and things now we can communicate with each other and start to unfold some of that other context that unfortunately we've just been medicalized up to this point and that can still be a useful paradigm I would take some kind of mind-numbing drug if I got to insightful or got too terrified by the reality that we live in being sensitive and being hyper perceptive is actually a blessing and it's also a bit scary sometimes because one can really read into things and and what's going on behind the scenes and it can can resonate with that fear that that can take one over sometimes I want to talk a little bit about what they talked about at the conference so it's like I felt like I went to the conference in a way or went to part of the conference because they did it really good job of talking about it and so this is like third hand now me talking a little bit about it and it was interesting because now they feel kind of tense because they're working in a paradigm that's so pathologizing they realize based on what they heard at this conference that that is quite detrimental obviously and so they said they're going to remain working in the system even though some people probably would not because they feel like they can Pope make pokes at people from inside the system to hopefully change the system and and that is hopeful and I'm hoping that maybe one day I will be able to pull people in the same way because right now I'm working the system I was peer support but there's no real way for peer support to inform change in the system let alone say the way the system is perceiving people is wrong and so I don't know how long i'll last worked in the system but for now i'm trying she said a lady named Eleanor Langdon said we need to move away from the traditional medical model which belongs in a museum and that diagnosis makes us a passive victim of pathology and implies that we can't really do anything about it because its genetic and it's the brain and if you watch my videos you'll know that I very much think there's something one can be done about it and I also think that there's a way to get in alignment with what the energy is animating us as and it can actually be something that moves us towards what's really real and she also pointed out that a diagnosis is something that somebody else told you about you or somebody else told me about me and yeah somebody told me that oh you have bipolar disorder that's nice that's what you think that's your business I never believed it you know maybe it's five percent true in terms of the amount of time it actually negatively affects me or in terms of implying that there's some kind of disorder I think it's actually moving towards a greater order and getting an alignment with that is important so obviously from my videos I have a lot more to say about it from my own personal experience than what others told me about me in terms of oh you have bipolar disorder one of my thoughts was in terms of being afraid of the voices and things and I don't experience voices at least I haven't but everyone has their own voice in their own head and I'm wondering why we create our own voice in our own head and that's not scary for some reason but if we start to hear a different voice yet most often the things that we think we heard from someone else and then we memorized it and then we turned it into our own voice we recall it in our own voice and we think that's okay and normal but i think that process is just as detrimental and if a voice is created with a different voice than one's own it's like having more than one voice in one's head I've experienced more than one reality so I don't really experience alternate voices but I've experienced alternate realities and more than one happening at the same time and it gets confusing and scary so I was just sort of realizing that it's a similar process perhaps when when one gets confused by multiple realities I think the multiple realities has to do with quantum computation and one can actually exist simultaneously in more than one and it just depends which one the wave function gets collapsed around so if a person was able to go through that quantum state and collapse the wave function around being one's best self and successful and channeling that energy somehow one wouldn't necessarily get channeled into the psych ward and then labeled and that's the collapse of the wave function of the multiple realities and there was a lady Karen Taylor who said she believes in full recovery from psychosis yet she says it's difficult work and you really have to want to put the work in and so she doesn't believe just in having a full life but actually a full recovery which includes coming off medications so it was best quality of life she doesn't believe in best quality of life but full recovery from psychosis she said you have to face bottled emotions and also make the choice to recover she also talked about a people sculpture exercise that sounded interest but it's difficult to explain and there was a lady named Lucy Johnstone and she talks about formulation versus diagnosis so diagnosis is what's wrong with you and formulation is what happened to you and I talked about in previous videos and it sounds a bit similar to formulation how a diagnosis is like the apex but underneath the diagnosis is say a thousand stories or thousand occurrences that the diagnosis says this is your diagnosis so be quiet we don't need to hear any of the other stuff where is the formulation is what happened to you so space to tell one story and the system doesn't have time to listen to our stories and even if they did I'm not sure how helpful it would be if they're just looking at us in terms of pathology they'd have to have a greater context through which to receive it and I think one of the ways would actually be peer support learning some of these new skills of open dialogue because they would have a tendency to be more understanding than people with clinical training she also mentioned that somebody said it's important to have a dialogue with the psychological underpinnings of the voices well I'm having a dialogue with myself with the psychological underpinnings of manic consciousness and mania and so-called psychosis and she talked about how it's important to retell your story well that's what I'm doing in these videos too so a lot of what they talked about just stuff that I've been doing and talking about in these videos so was exciting the exciting part for me was that somebody in the system saw it too and then something that they were really blown away by was hearing will halt speak about his harm reduction guide to coming off psych meds and I saw that thing a couple years ago and I did attempt to go off medications and it didn't work and and basically there is no proper tapering support and strategies that's why I've looked into things like EMP which is true help or micronutrient support calm and point of return dot-com my thing is point of return or point of balance and and of course we'll halls harm reduction guide and there's not it's not designed in the system that people can come off when they want and a lot of times people try and it's not successful because the tapering strategies used are not slow enough right now i'm only on lithium and it might be the EMP product that will be best to take me off of it at some point not in a rush because i'm working the system i'm living on a noisy ass street and i need to move somewhere more peaceful and maybe have a bit more peaceful life at least while I'm tapering off medication they're watching TV it's nice music in the background but anyway they talked about the system is in the business of putting people on meds and it's designed to help people take meds and the lady that went actually talked to will halt after and said this is kind of radical like I work in the system how would I even present this and he said is it radical to give people a choice in their treatment they talked about a study where there was a group of people that their meds were reduced and a group that they weren't and after two years they checked up on them and the people on the Med reduction did way way better than the people that were on the maintenance dose there was a person there named Ian Kelley and he said that he's not afraid of his madness and Westerners are just really afraid of it and with my videos I've been showing that I'm not afraid of it it can be scary at times but I'm not afraid of it I'm fascinated by it actually they also talked about how a lot of people in psychosis actually have a trauma history at least one-third of psychosis is probably caused by trauma so by medicating the psychosis it's not really addressing the root cause she talked about an open dialogue study that's being done and they're doing a lot of research on it and so far they found that seventy two percent of people that go through open dialogue approach return to work within two years and that's for first break psychosis and that's incredible because a lot of people end up medicalized and say on disability for life after that and it's very difficult to get people back to work and back functioning so I don't know why they're hesitating on that they're like oh we need more result of course they I realized that they liked science in the slow process because in the meantime they can figure out how they're going to make their next buck so while they're waiting ten years for the study they're busy creating the next problem so then whoever is going to continue to profit off people's misery and suffering and they talked about how someone there said something about it's some kind of collusion about child abuse and societal inequalities because it's easier to medicate a personal psychosis than it is to fix child abuse and societal inequalities and I've talked about that a lot how it's not a personal problem it's not an individual brain disease its brain disease with trauma and societal inequalities and I've talked about that quite a bit and she also mentioned that someone there said that anti-stigma campaigns create mini psychiatrist and I feel that is true and that's the same with all this mental health first aid staff it's creating people with the psychiatrist lens looking for symptoms of mental illness and one of the quotes from the event was just keep poking people with these ideas and also gather the healthy voice hearers I would say with my videos gather the healthy maniacs that can embody their mania as well because not everybody that goes through different states of consciousness hears voices that's one experience but there's a whole spectrum and I'm not on the voice hearing spectrum part of the spectrum they talked about the myth of normal and also illness versus extreme states and when I introduced myself at the beginning of the group before we saw any of that information I said I'm on the visions here and extraordinary experiences end of the spectrum so extreme states is one and extraordinary states is another it's all the same somebody mentioned slow psychiatry and the parachute project in Vermont and they were talking about how they felt a little bit like hypocrites and so yet they're going to be working to change the system so I felt like saying to them while you're going to be in recovery from hypocrisy then and somebody mentioned having different parts there versus multiple personalities and I feel like I have different elements of myself as well and that's part of the non consistency thing they also talked about medical colonization how the medical system sort of goes into countries that don't have mainstream medicine they're like oh you want this well yeah you do and sort of put it on the people when they have their own systems so that was the hearing voices group that i went to i think i might want to start a group maybe if I stay here
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part of this is I need new ways I don't have many people in my life who see things this way or a similar way and so this is a call out for ways to create ricos one of the first things I'm going to do when I start actually embodying my mania again is practicing random acts of kindness for to our time chunks approximately I don't know if I covered this bit I have this bunch of writing and I don't know if I covered this so I'm going to go quickly but I was thinking maplin mania and psychosis land is kind of like feedback it's sort of like the missteps along the way and then having to retrace one steps and sort of having experiences of old memories and new perceptions mixed together so it's almost in a way by doing that it's a way to integrate the past to catch up with the present i think we experienced such extreme states because maybe we're even clearing our our light body are mine screen or perceptual apparatus of all those accumulated bits of dust of the ego that we've recorded over time and even if it's not even if it's not getting rid of them as at least making us aware that they're there and and in that way we can perhaps act in different ways instead of being instead of acting in unconscious ways and we don't know why we're acting that way sort of gives us an idea of why we're acting that way and I do think the collective unconscious comes in here as well so there's some personal karma that's resolved as well as collective unconscious karma and this is all just conceptual it's not necessarily true it's just an interesting way to think about it i'm just playing with words it's almost like an attempt to get congruent or jumping through hoops to get congruent and i don't think it can be fully done in the process mania and that's where harvesting comes in in retrospect in order to get an alignment with one's vision we realize that we're sort of off track as a human being and being on the eco track is always being off track and there's no such thing as one track there's so many different tracks and it's up for us to be explorers of that and not just stay on our single ego safe track that we think is safety but really it leads to isolation and increases the potential of developing a so-called mental illness and I wrote down I think that when somebody's talking about their personal goals they're actually talking about their mental illness because unless it's an alignment with the universe it's not good and the manic energy of the universe comes in and opens up our vision we can see so much and then the myopic view of professionals and so-called normal people actually collapse that huge vision into a small narrow band of illness mania is like stepping outside one's personal history and it's a blank slate and in a way I wanted to mania after experiencing some distressful things and it was maybe a way to almost save me from that because had I kept going in that terrified state I don't know what would have happened to me and I was thinking about how the trans consciousness experience is sort of like having access to new perceptions new insights new means but also having access to one's ego which is ones old way of relating in order to relate to the collective society that's still out there we do need both and I take medication too I think maintain that dual awareness in April when I was in the psych ward they try to put me on a lot of seroquel and I did not want that and so I'm not on it I'm just on a bit of lithium and I'm able to still learn and live and and have an enjoyable life if I was on the other medication I wouldn't feel like that and i would feel pretty miserable how do we design Society for manic flow I wrote down here the thinker is the thought and this is something that J Krishnamurti talks about a lot and I never really got it until I heard somebody say that here is the speaker so the one in the mind that's listening to the thought happening is the same as the thought it's the same energy and process so it's divided into speaker and listener and it makes us feel like there's something actually happening there but really it's one thing so in that way to replace the speaker like a thought the speaker with a different speaker a different thought is the same thing I think flow and mania is universal cognition precognition but it's actually the real cognition as in the cognition of the prefrontal cortex is noise and blocks the cognition of the universe manian restores complexity I wrote down the universe's childlike I'm thinking the universe produces children what is it that produces adults I don't think that was the universe's design so it's no wonder that the universe can give us the experience of manic consciousness so we can remember what it's like to be a child which is what it's like to be a human being I feel like when we have a clear mind screen inner light body interface interface that actually reap a turns the brain as well it also reap a turns the brain by seeing possibilities feel like when the mine screen is clear there's a process perception understanding action all in one movement there's no image on the mine screen there's a sense of understanding and pattern recognition and the action proceeds from that and if we were operating from the state of PA you we would unfold and create a different world our crappy food helps co-create our crappy world and fasting it helps to starve the ego because food is mostly for pleasure so the ego is pleasure and avoiding pain and when that in ermine screen is clear it's also a state of harmony with what one is perceiving not disharmony & dicie's is usually in perceiving something that's not actually there in the moment right now it's reacting to the past and since there's nothing we can do what the past innately we're going to feel dis-ease us being in our light body self and in more of our material gravity allostatic load accumulate itself is all these images that we've accumulated all over time all these recordings and it's almost like each time we snap out of recording mode we are in that light body self and the recordings loose hold on us but also the universe can come in and snap us out of that recording mode and all the recordings we have to maybe go back through them in order to re-attach and re-assemble our ego and our ego is in a way our meaning making process and what we think things mean so on the way back to our ego if we get the meaning that that means we're ill we're going to incorporate that into our ego and then self stigmatize and just make the whole thing worse and I watched a TED talk on intermittent fasting and they said on the days you don't eat so much you're more productive I don't know if that's true seems like fasting decouples us from pleasure and then it allows the body to sort of heal from the accumulated pleasure pain bipolar nature of vacillating between pleasurable images and avoiding painful images with the pleasurable images I'm interested in worldcentric human performance I also feel like this pattern recognition learning is so much more powerful than this linear process that is being used to create society and also keep us in the structure of society that things could change very quickly I don't remember if I read this part either but we practice ourselves out of being ourselves we practice ourselves into a narrow ego tunnel that's why practicing one's mania is increasing the degrees of freedom and I think I did talk about how mindfulness is sort of like being able to still exist in the chaos of society and and it's has valued in that a person is more calm and more centered more balanced but and it changes the social fabric a little bit in that way but I feel being a chief disturber and being really kind and silly and friendly would change the social fabric even more than a personal mindfulness practice of sitting there and mania is a different software it's the software of the universe and not the software that we've been given from the ego society if the universe can do that to us put us into that manic state it could take us out with a blink of an eye we're so worried about so many different things happening the universe can take us out with a blink of an eye and we don't understand that we are the universe and we're co-creating the energy that will create our own demise I remember watching an Alan Watts video and he was talking about a few little interesting fantasies he had about one was about how something along the lines of eventually humanity will get to the point where they press the button and blow up the earth and then what will happen is little bits of DNA will be blown through the entire universe and in that way whatever suitable planet is out there for life will start again and spring a new humanity eventually and I know that was funny because there's so much effort by humanity to go to outer space and we very well may get to outer space but not in the way that we think the universe is trying to reorganize our brains it's trying to activate the circuits that we used to have access to but lost and so it's important to move in the way the universe wants us to move because then we won't really notice when the energy comes and also to when the energy comes we might become even more energetic and wonderful and if we're already kind of that way anyway the people that know us aren't going to notice that much of a difference so they won't think Oh something's wrong with this person they'll think oh this is how I know this person to have evolved in the last couple of years and it's just the next stage of however they're operating so if we sit around and we don't practice and then we go into that energy again people are going to think oh they're ill whereas we if we practice and also design our life around being creative so if that energy comes were just a bit more creative then there's not that much difference people aren't going to notice that much so part of the practicing isn't just about changing the social fabric but it's changing the fabric of ones being because we know that that energy is going to come at certain points and we don't want to appear completely different so one could disguise it as sing oh I'm taking improv and take improv classes and learn to be more spontaneous and have different gestures and then everyone that knows you thinks oh wow that improv is really working and then all of a sudden when manic energy comes in that energy just animates you even further and you're kind of a genius in the craft you were already exploring so another thing we got to is doing things one enjoys so when the energy comes it'll just make it that much more joyful instead of oh you quit your meaningless job and you went over here because you felt that energy know your life was already really meaningful so that energy just contributed to that meaning so it's about closing the gap between the way that energy is going to animate us and how we are in our life and I think that's a little bit different than what some people are doing out there I think it's important to do the other stuff too very important but I also feel like if we design our life in alignment with meaning and also make it relational that energy is going to have somewhere to go and maybe it'll be invited back and maybe when it does come back we're not going to notice that much because it's not that different from our daily life and then it will have served its purpose it will have remoulded us and recreated us and redesigned us as adults and most times adults don't change very much in their life at all but it seems like we've gone to a place in society and in humanity in evolution where human adult's can't just change very small amounts in their adulthood it has to happen faster now and it is happening faster for some people and the people that go into these states of consciousness are probably the people that need to take some of the responsibility for changing and not changing into what society would tell us to change into even though they try to say oh you can recover it's important to change into that self that you changed into change back into it it gave you a hint it gave you the pattern it's like having a pattern for sewing but if you don't actually cut out the fabric so it together you're not going to have the final product and some of its from the universe so that vision is sort of a gift from the universe and it's a gift regifting ourselves to ourselves and showing ourselves to ourselves our true self and what our potential is and how we've moved away from our potential and it's not about us sitting there and thinking oh it's sad that now I feel depressed and all that it's about how do I live out the potential that it that the universe showed me a lot of people have different spiritual beliefs and things and maybe sit around and feel that spiritual belief well we were given the spiritual belief as ourselves for ourselves and it was shown to us so clearly not just some words on a page on a book to make us take in and then feel kind of a little bit better because we read something we actually got to read ourselves as ourselves and be ourselves as ourselves and read the universe as it is it's a beautiful place it's a place where you probably never want to read a book again and I think that's a big part of it actually because I used to read and I read the book power vs force by dr. David Hawkins and it's a great book and I love his work he's one of my definite favorites on different things in he researched consciousness and evolution of consciousness and he had a scale of consciousness from 0 to 1000 and basically said that most adults progress five points in their consciousness evolution in a lifetime and on a thousand point scale that's not very much and so I feel like this manic consciousness energy comes in and it makes us advanced practically to the end practically to enlightenment like we feel like we're there but it's not earned in a way and Ken Wilber talks about this he talks about how stages are earned and states are not earned in their temporary so i could go into a certain state by taking a certain drug but it's going to wear off now what is the equivalent of how i have to be in thought feeling action gesture relational mind life to actually create that shift in consciousness that would create the epigenetic changes that would give me that state as an earned stage so I feel that matic consciousness gives us those states it gives us the state of mania of practically enlightenment of everything in between and then when we fall down we fall down to the lowest we fall down which his lowest on the scale is shame and I'm sure we've all experienced that we've experienced personal shame or a shame of being a human and I've experienced that for sure and and it's difficult to stay alive one of that happens so in just as we haven't necessarily earned the state or the stage of enlightenment we haven't really earned the stage of shame so we don't stay there permanently it's a state it's a state of shame and it does pass and I I know he goes from the shame to guilt to anger and different and I've definitely gone back up and it's it's interesting how changing the states of consciousness and the lower levels is painful because it's like going from one painful thing to another to another but it's definitely showing the entire spectrum so in that way I realized as a human being I have access to the entire spectrum and depending on where on the spectrum of consciousness I am that's going to be kind of where I manifest my behaviors so but my point with that if you want to look more into power vs force it's a great book in my point with that is basically that mania makes us go up to the highest consciousness and then back to the lowest and then when we bounce back up again if we do I think often times we've gained more than five points in consciousness on the evolutionary consciousness scale and in mania we learn a new language we learn to read the universe and we learn to create new language in new ways of communicating but they're not always received very well those would be good to keep in mind for the future because maybe those ones will be more well received in the future and just as kids when they're first learning language they first just start making sounds and they're not making sense in the same way with mania some of the things that are coming out don't really make sense but it's just the whole point is to set that in motion that speaking without thinking in a way it's speaking from beyond thinking to me medication is kind of like putting on blinders so perception opened up in mounted consciousness and psychosis and then we are medicated into not really being able to see all that stuff but it's still there we're still probably feeling it and since we're not changing the situation completely it's still accumulating as allostatic load which could lead to so-called relapse the ego self is the limit itself and the trans conscious self is the unlimited self that we all share it's the common humanity ego consciousness is like tuning into the same AM radio station whereas manic consciousness is like knowing one has access to Wi-Fi and can access any station anywhere and going through that bipolar experience of manic consciousness and then psychosis it's like having to survive the entire spectrum of humanity the entire spectrum of human possibility and maybe in order to actually become awakened to that shared consciousness of humanity one has to experience the entire spectrum it's like unzipping it if the ego is just this bit and then we unzip the entire spectrum of humanity so now one has access to perceiving from that perspective and they also have access to relating from the ego consciousness so in that way mana consciousness might go from extreme mania where it's like a huge flow experience bigger than flow to almost being able to surf the universe by having the ego as the rider and they shared consciousness as the wave the shared consciousness is the consciousness of humanity which is equivalent to the universe or at least the parts that we have access to and then the ego is the little rider and the ego is learning actually how to surf all that energy instead of just being an ego-self walking over puddles I might have said this before but it's really like seeing that I am the world and the world is me and J Krishnamurti talks about this and when one goes into mania and psychosis one really experiences that yes I am the world and the world as me it's very confusing in that state because the you don't know what's you and what's something else so the real immunity that we need is the immunity to words which is again sticks and stones we need to become immune to the sticks and stones of psychiatry I feel like if the state of learning was never taken away from us as children we would be sort of like people in mania going about the world enjoy sharing our creativity and energy and love and seeing the world and traveling whereas we're trained into these functions and then we get these jobs and then we watch the world on TV and the TV in turn keeps programming us so lithium in a way is a helpful blinder it's helpful to have lithium blinders on in a blind world one of the ways altruism is healing is that we're not thinking about our self so thinking about our own personal problems were out co-creating solutions to the world's problems and so we forget about our own problems if we're all out creating solution to the world's problems perhaps there would be no problems and that's the thing the ego makes things a personal problem when there's no real such thing as personal problems beauty is the absence of self-reflexive thought I feel like one of the ways one of the important parts of gay people is actually to produce less children because the world is overpopulated so people being gay should actually be a happy thing because they're less likely to have children together actually I have a funny thought that the universe eventually is probably going to be creating gay men out of straight men so straight men will be totally straight going through their life and then poof they're gay and this will be some of the punishment for violence against women and things like that that's one of the reasons why I like gay people is are not going to rape women just as a person can be ego consciousness and then one day go through mania and have trans consciousness have the tendency to go into that maybe the universe is going to start to change sexual orientations midlife as well and a lot of this is to challenge us to see that we're not this ego me that we think we are and the ego isn't spiritual so any attempt to become spiritual through the ego isn't going to work and I feel the spiritual domains are actually just human domains of when the ego is absent when we're in full celebration play laughter silliness so it's actually I'm realizing that in those moments it's usually relational so we're actually not existing as an ego because we're existing in the arising relationship with somebody else so we've created a we we've created a we go not the ego and then that's when we feel we feel the best because there's no ego self there after a spiritual play is spiritual I don't think there's anything that's spiritual on its own spiritual maybe relates to certain things but there's no such thing as spiritual I wrote down that matter is a celebration of light so the matter we can see is on the visible light spectrum and so matter is kind of a celebration of light and the spectrum that we can see and if we could really see if we saw a tree we would understand it and then we wouldn't destroy it I don't know if I made a video on this either I wrote a paper on the psycho centric nature of Mental Health First Aid so I thought that it would be cool to create human centric things they talked about the linguistic techniques and practices well what are the linguistic techniques and practices of human centrism and World centricity and and wellness literacy and perception is light and ego is sound and the ego sound gets in the way of the light of clear perception yet if we see with the lighted clear perception different sound comes through us instead of it being sounds of the ego it sounds of something else
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how are we going to see the patterns of the moment right now if we were being distracted and disoriented by patterns of the past and in so-called mental illness and psychosis and things we actually see that we're hallucinating maybe not at the exact moment but at a certain point where like wow that was big hallucination likely but people that are so-called normal still think the images in the ego that they're seeing is real so they're still delusional so I think this process of so-called psychosis and mania helps to heal the delusion of this attachment to images and not take the images so seriously and so to come back to regular ego consciousness and then and then take it seriously again is missing the point a little bit I think we can level up socially with perspective asst approaches so people with trans consciousness perspectives can actually help us level up socially because we can perceive these social fabric issues the worlds in recovery I don't even like the term recovery so i would like to transform that too rediscovery and recreation need to rediscover and recreate the world I think this trans consciousness and I think I talked about this before is a different line of intelligence intelligence we all have access to its not a mystery it's just a line that we haven't developed and it's one that when it starts to develop and it could be part of the evolution of consciousness it's somewhat misunderstood because we take the ego and consistency to be what a person is that would be like having a clarinet and just playing the cenote all the time we have full range of tunes and melodies that we can play through our body consciousness instrument but we just play the same old one all the time and that makes other people comfortable apparently but as soon as we're like wow there's so much more I can do with this body in the structure and in this universe that I'm in and a part of then it's seen as illness basically for stepping out of line and in society we have lineups for for the bank and lineups for food and lineups lineups lamps we don't even know we have all these individual lineups in our own inner realm of the rules of society and a lot of them are completely necessary but some of them prevent us from actually fully expressing all the ways that we are and allowing that to come out and through us and playing our full range of notes if we identify with our ego self it's like having somebody with the most beautiful voice sing the same note all the time well each one of us is a beautiful human being and we're playing our same ego programs all the time we've lost those degrees of freedom it's like we have invisible straight jackets on I'm part of sharing context and making new memes and meaning is just validating my own experience and hopefully validating some of yours and hopefully you can validate some of yours with yourself and part of the validation is sort of like okay you're still human it's okay and I actually feel like it's beyond okay because it's about making new meaning and memes so it's not just about oh it's okay you're still human it's actually you're becoming more fully human people that are diagnosed with bipolar disorder are said to have a mood disorder because they're up and they're down all over the place they're actually more just responding fully in the moment and maybe it seems a bit extreme because everyone else is so dulled out and I'm not saying it's necessarily good but if a person was allowed to be that way for a certain period of time they would probably naturally start to calm down as they got used to perceiving certain things so they would eventually even out somewhat but a person like that might be my benefit from someone who can sort of coach them through it instead of say your your dysfunctional or you're just near defective in a way and I guess that's kind of what Tom Wooten's doing he's helping people keep their cool and that's a very good thing if I did a campaign on stigma it would be screw stigma because this trans consciousness is awesome takes a lot of practice to operate trans consciousness as opposed to ego consciousness just like it would take a lot of practice to ride a hundred foot wave it takes a lot of practice to ride the wave of the universe while jumping over the puddles of the society we've created and that's the part I like to talk about with this contextualization is that we have so much capacity within us they talk about flow and how people are five hundred percent more productive well manias like extreme flow and people in those states I feel maybe are ten thousand percent more productive and maybe there are ten thousand percent were productive for 30 days and then they are crap either and then after that they're non-functional well that's why it's for me important to go back and harvest those 30 days of ten thousand percent productivity because those might be the products of one's life of one's creations that inform the rest of one's life so we might have harvested everything in a very short period of time where some people create consistently over time maybe some people are quite productive in 925 work and there's nothing wrong with that either but not everybody is the same not everybody fits into that box and I don't feel that people that have a certain type of consciousness that unfolds something and create something in like a very short powerful period of time I feel people that have that need to be supported to harvest Romania and work towards what it was that they were here the vision they were here to unfold the one that they gave birth to the one that they cast and and that is their creation so if they take five years before they get back to even looking at harvesting their mania so what support that person because whatever it is that they were a seed of is something powerful and wonderful and for the world person doesn't go through that kind of hell for no reason for just personal gain that's the thing we're not functional producers as human beings some of us produce everything in one month and then can't get to making it available in a way that is recognized for a long period of time and then other people love the nine to five other people love shift work other people loved working for themselves a lot of people don't love what they do and that's what I feel is some of the people that go into manic consciousness some of the visions they're here to unfold and co-create likely with each other is something that will help the people that are in those states and places where they're doing things that they're really not happy with so we could possibly create some of the structures of happiness some of like the adult child playfulness stuff that will help people reconnect with that so the people at flow Genome Project have the flow dojo and have people in contraptions to try and get them into flow well what if there was contraptions everywhere in society that would just make people playful and creative and learn and have fun and happy and then they would just be learning which is a creative state instead of all these meaningless things and then we try to get some sort of work or meaning out of it it's all really backwards because in mania we go into that extreme ecstasy and joy and we see it everywhere and it is everywhere and in that way we see the pattern of how to create that and you can bring that back for people because we all want to go back there together I wrote down why aren't we making these amazing bio chemicals within our inner pharmacy as human beings and I think a lot of it is to do with the ego and how divides us and judges us and keeps us separated if we were in oxytocin consciousness we would be bonded and collaborating and cooperating and we wouldn't feel this heaviness we wouldn't feel alone we wouldn't feel fearful we wouldn't feel all these things I feel like mania is the epigenetics it's that energy which has changes the epigenetic expression which would change the bio chemicals that are made within us the endogenous thing and I feel it changes towards tryptamines and oxytocin as well it shows us exactly how we need to be in order for that to be created within ourselves and the interesting part about it is that it's not a dopamine reward so if I'm just doing that for my own pleasure then it's not going to work it's not going to put me into that state it has to be for the collective humanity which is oxytocin because that energy is to be made relational in the collective humanity and because we are the context of that relational state mania is the opposite of psychosis and all the different factors and aspects and traits and experiences in mania are sort of those pieces that need to be added to society not in that way i feel like people that go into manic consciousness are social change agents we downloaded that vision we harvest but we didn't harvest the vision we didn't make it relational we instead decided to accept the story that were just ill and then it was delusion anything a manic would do there's this like mannequin thing happening right now in the internet I haven't seen any of it but i was thinking manic kin as an MA n IC dash ki n which where the mannequin were sort of the kin of mania we've been born from that consciousness and I think of it as sort of a rebirth and the ego is sort of a disguise of this energy of the celebration and there's psychedelic research going on I think it reduces allostatic load and maybe wipes the slate clean of a quark sensation somehow it's like channeling all that energy through it and process it I wonder if the if the psychedelic causes epigenetic changes towards oxytocin and safety and that heals that it heals ones relationship with the universe in that fabric that we're immersed in as the universe and we then again feel the universe as a safe place and I posed the question before is this a playful universe and I think it's up to us to gesture that into reality and I just thought about how gesture or gesture or something as a clown so gesture that into reality is this playful REE universe well we as human beings are the answer to that it's almost like if a person makes a playful gesture the other person has to be paying attention has to recognize the pattern of play which is something we can often most often recognized and so when they recognize that they're actually perceiving in the moment they're not seeing their ego and that brings them into the moment and then elves and they're related to you through Play and then in that way now they're in the moment and their relational and it's a social thing so there's some oxytocin so just by being a little bit playful and silly it can change the social fabric what I give my attention to is the epigenetics so my attention is the light of my consciousness and that's my perception and what I perceive is going to be imprinted on my inner light body mind screen and that pattern is what's going to cause the epigenetic changes because the pattern recognition is what changes my physiology and so I can recognize something based on my ego pass or I can recognize something based on how we are designed as human beings so there's different type of recognition that's not of the past Eagle personality self it's just of Howard designed as human beings how our nervous systems are actually designed to respond through Play and laughter and these things that we come here as children with I'm wondering with kids it's it's almost like we allow them to play until they're say age five or six and then a certain percentage them and their life maybe if we let them play a little bit longer they would just have a bit more context in which to have that immunity to their own ego that it is going to develop so what I give my attention to is the epigenetics or creates the epigenetic change and so if I give my attention to play I'm going to be creating play I'm going to be saying yes this is a playful universe because i am the universe and i'm being playful and so are these other universes we're all overlapping universes where all each we all each have all of this and I was saying to someone once we share every single bit of this except for our bodies really so we're mostly all the same and we're all a part of this guy is fear perception is epigenetics I was thinking about how many of us who go into matic consciousness feel like we need to save the world well what we record or what we perceive is sort of what ripples out as us as the world and so we save the world by what we record as reality even with the ego memories that we save and record in our bodies and minds that's what we're saving as the world we're saving all these garbage bits and then we go around with these garbage bits and perceive the world and just as this sort of miserable person are just recreating this misery and creating and and contributing to co-creating that and we don't see that's what we're doing I think this manic consciousness is in Morfa genetic field that not many of us can tap into it just like trauma gives us the trauma lens mania gives us the adult child like lens and when one has both one has a very large spectrum of context from which one can understand and perceive the world and it makes it more difficult as well because there's more information to take in feel like people that lose their ego can actually really see they lose function but they gain vision and it's like seeing so clearly that one stumbles in reality constantly because one can see all the subtleties whereas if one's blind to those things it's easy to just keep walking straight ahead when one has vision and access to peripheral vision one can't help but looking around and seeing what's going on all around and one one does that one might actually turn and go off there straight and narrow path that their ego would otherwise direct them down I feel like we need to forgive ourselves for taking on the story that society's given us relating to mental health because that creates stigma then they say well it's not your fault no it's not our fault it's the co-creation of society and the people that have these experiences can see this trauma of society and then it's made into a personal problem society is destroying people's brains and in manic consciousness we connect to those inner human dimensions and it's part of our role to unfold this into the social fabric and make it relational be positive social contagion spontaneous social behaviors pattern interrupt heart resonance I talked about 12 steps to mastering your visionary intelligence and it could even be mastering your trans consciousness and the first one is you are the power or not you are powerless and the second step is trauma-informed lifestyle reducing allostatic load trauma release exercise emotional CPR safety plan wrap crisis plan representation agreement advance directive zap straps create keeping oneself safe from suicide and there's a step about the human dimensions getting in touch with those as opposed to an unfolding based on those not unfolding once life based on one's ego image false constructs and another step is about the mirror neurons spontaneous social behaviors random acts of kindness and it's about what skills and assets do we need how do we need to practice embodying are mania in order to create epigenetic changes in others and I think part of it is being playful which could be disturber in chief that's the thing if this isn't made really fun then it's not going to be that interesting so what are your skills and assets that are your joys these inner human dimensions replace time our experience of time is the ego and when these internet human dimensions are there there is no time really and actually I just realized that that's likely why we have trouble falling asleep because the ego is the habit of okay well now it's time to go to bed and then we go to sleep based on habit when all these habits are broken not only do we have more energy from not having these habits we're adjusting to we don't have that inner ego I think that ego creates inner space and time which is an illusion of being congruent to outer space in time outer space and time is actually more congruent to the inner human dimensions which are Beauty truth love playfulness it's more congruent to that and just because things unfold in chronological time which we actually keep track of with a clock we we think that there's an inner equivalent so not that one doesn't need to sleep people do need to sleep I'm just thinking that maybe because the ego was scrambled that also scrambles our body clock or biorhythm of clock time because we're on a different viral rhythm of that human inner human dimension which gives us access to a lot of energy and we don't need to sleep as much and that could just be actually part of how the universe is trying to vision cast through us and seed something through us that we can go back and harvest later and unfold in clock time slowly over time but it works overtime in that period of of altered consciousness in order to actually bring it all into play for the next part of a person's journey I had a weird thought that they say I've read that there's a belief that people create their life and sort of a dream dimension before they come here on earth and maybe there's like a hundred years to do that or twenty years or something like that and I was just thinking about how it'd be interesting it's just an interesting thought that since there's way more people on the planet there's less beings in this dream dimension pre creating their next life so they have to come here to the planet prematurely so perhaps we're actually all being birthd here prematurely and we're not fully able to integrate the vision we have for our life and live it out so then we have all this distortion and so called delusion and hallucination and go into these other states of consciousness which reconnect us with that dream dimension or maybe we do come here with that full dream dimension but we go into that other consciousness to experience it again while we're living because the planet really really needs people to be in co-creation and Club and collaboration with each other at this time so we get we get like bonus dream time because we have to see this because there's more and more of us on the planet and then interestingly enough now a lot of kids are being born and developing autism where it's a different way of that that dream happening this is unfolding meaning in self dialogue I've heard of open dialogue but they don't have open dialogue here so I'm doing self dialogue there's an importance in mending the social fabric with emotional CPR but also with people who want to be chief disturbers a lot of us are traumatized and then we get so called mental illness and Timmy it's that gesture it's that action towards another that harmed them in such a way that felt traumatic and then eventually the allostatic load accumulates and they develop mental illness well is it something wrong with their brain or was their brain scarred and traumatized by the actions of somebody else the gestures of somebody else and in that way with different gestures we can actually work towards healing that so the disordered action of people being violent and things actually is creating so-called brain disorders and other people I was thinking about this company as it's more than a company it's about people as company as accompanying other people as each person is company to another so it's a company about company and it's about how are you contagious we need to go from the limited ego to the worldcentric we go it's not about personal growth that is a mental illness it's about we go growth I also feel like wouldn't take that much money to really work with somebody to facilitate them to really thrive and no longer rely on the system in ways and again there's the label so I could say to people I have bipolar disorder or I could talk for a hundred hours on video about the richness of that experience and that continued experience I also feel it's important to invest in human brains if a brain can be restored to learning it will be self fulfilling and interdependent and save a lot of money as well as social costs of somebody not participating in reality but it's also not just participating in the cog in the machine reality but co-creating the life that a person came here to live
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I still have lots more to go I think I talked a little bit about how allostatic load is like accumulating gravity and gravity to me is almost like the intersection of light and sound where we create these images that are scar tissue on our inner light body interface quantum processor I wonder if gravity's like the opposite of light or something or chiral to light I'm not sure how that works exactly but there's something about the non-superimposable mirror images I also worked on the gravity creates mass I don't know about that but just something I wrote down and just like exercise using the force of gravity so lifting weights putting weight lifting it in the force of gravity create strength embodying ones mania in the field of gravity and also in the field of consciousness might actually create the critical mass of consciousness so embodied mania is how we move about space and gravity in our gestures and by doing that we're repattern in reality which the pattern and the vibration is more to do with light and consciousness so we're being more our light body when we're moving in these ways that the universe would animate us and I feel like that will create the critical mass that's needed to shift this dense material reality into actuality so I think I'm seeing something about the relatedness to consciousness and gravity they're both really related there's a field of gravity and there's the field of consciousness and when I go into manic consciousness gravity has less effect on me and I feel lighter and I'm taller so there is something about the field of consciousness is lighter in the field of gravity has less effect because there's less mass it's less dense and that's why I think the material reality is almost like the accumulation of material on the light body perhaps consciousness and this other consciousness is anti gravity actually do you feel like that other reality is just adjacent to us it might actually be chiral it might be a non-superimposable mirror image and I do feel like autistic children are seeds of a different kind of human being that is actually necessary for the planet right now I was listening to a talk on a course like a online course about trickster and a lady mentioned something that was really profound she said that there's a certain type of weed that's like an invasive species where she lives that is all over the place but she said it's actually needed because it's sort of holding the ground together or something and she says the weed the supposed weed that shows up is actually what's needed and it's the strength yet it's seen as like this big invasion and like it shouldn't be here but it's actually there for a reason it's like the medicine needed like where I live there's a lot of dandelions growing and that is good medicine for a lot of things but we don't use it we just see it as a weed so what I'm saying is with children with autism not that they're weeds but they are exactly what are needed but will we just or throw weed killer on them or will we actually allow them to flower into what they're designed to flower into again this is about experiencia diversity and diversity and consciousness and there are a different type of trans consciousness they're the type that haven't been able to develop strong language ego structures so it's like this as my experience but they get that as a young child versus going through all of this and then have it happen so it's like it's happening to the people that are at the end of this generation moving into adulthood and it's also happening to the ones being born now will we even be able to see their gifts likely not because it's something inner that has to flower externally and you can't and a flower will can't express its full beauty if all of its petals are being plucked off and I feel this real languaging project this transfer mania of language could help to lighten the allostatic load of the gravity of the words and then the meaning and the heaviness of what we've been given us a way to perceive ourselves and so for me with a trans consciousness I might have to keep my allostatic load low because I start to appear more in disorder someone was telling me they have virtual reality called oculus or something and that I was thinking about how mania and psychosis is kind of like inner virtual reality in a way without wearing virtual reality goggles so it's almost like augmented reality but it's augmented in a way that is based on the collective past and possible collective future so it's scary because it's actually real virtual reality I was thinking about how the ego have interferes with people's inner light body interference pattern well how can we as manic consciousness embody our mania to create a pattern interrupt and cognitive dissonance heart resonance to actually interrupt the pattern interrupt of other people's ego on their inner light body how can we deactivate other people's ego circuits I think it's actually by behaving like adult children caring loving silly and if that's not the right way at least still be a lot more fun so a way to make this fun or make fun of it or make fun with it or have fun with it and I think I talked about this that'd be cool to Train peer supporters not necessarily people with lived experience of a diagnosis per se but people that had the spiritual emergence paradigm had a CPR tre and all these different elements because I was thinking that it's almost rude to put people that have been traumatized by the system in the system to try to help people through the system it takes the people that went through the system down as well as I don't know I just I'm not sure about that maybe that's like putting a cow back in the slaughterhouse to lead cows to the slaughter when the cow managed to escape the slaughterhouse I was thinking that people can be trained in that way to be like someone that would be working at sotiria house but not necessarily having a house so it's a superior house without walls and I think I did talk about this but I forget and it doesn't have to be a people with lived experience because some people are just naturally so good at helping people with this dress and through distress and just have that energetic nature a human distress crew and I was thinking I'm not sure people can recover through the system they can recover as and recover up the issues and put band-aids on things and and sort of live a half of a life by going through the system and I don't know if that's good enough and I feel like I went through the system and I don't know I don't know if I'm the exception or not but I feel like there's not that many people that come through it intact and I'm not even saying that I'm intact I'm actually right now in a period of time that in danger of going back to the psych ward it's kind of about that time of year and but I still managed to put myself back together each time because I don't think in terms of the framework of mental illness they even talk about oh the more times it happens the worse it gets in the worse over time the worst this and blah blah blah like always pushing to remain in remission and instead of thinking I have to remain in remission and being afraid I give myself permission to live and if I fall I fall and then I just get back up instead of not living and then maybe having more say depression because I'm not living about trying to live so I didn't even recover through the system it was by being involved in the clubhouse model and living in three-quarter housing for young adults and being immersed in that community so my immunity to the psych ward was actually living in that community and having all those relationships and meeting all those people in developing those relationships it was the relationships that kept me well and and not going through a system that was cold and then in order to get my little ego life back intact and to go back out in to the meaningless world instead I was doing completely meaningless things in a very very meaningful place I was cleaning toilets and baking cookies and just hanging out and having fun and not really doing anything you know that would be thought of a super meaningful but it was the most meaningful time in my life just to be connected with people for no reason at all just to be around people and enjoy people and and if I had a chunk of money I would I would almost create that I would almost create a replica of that in a way not in terms of Oh mental illness or anything but just because it's a really healthy way to live almost like having residents part and then a drop-in center for people and I don't know who it would be four but and it would be partly selfish because it would help to keep me well and I wonder if it's partly because ego consciousness is sort of wanted to be by itself and wanting to do its own thing and personal goals and that other consciousness that common humanity just wants to be a human being around human beings and that's really meaningful and and so I'm just thinking in terms of my new job I don't know if it's social enough for me but I don't even think of myself as the social person so I don't think people recover in the system they recover in relationship in fun in in sort of a community aspect and and I wonder if people that go into trans consciousness need more community than they realize and I was talking even with embodied mania about how make it relational while being community just automatically makes oneself relational yeah so the mental health system didn't really heal me other people did just community relationship wonder if I could start community housing for trans conscious people trans consciousness after the egg for a thing I was just realizing that society is like collective egg fork sensation in that everything we encounter is like an image or a sound words thoughts images memes from somewhere in society somewhere else and then some of we choose to take on as part of our identity or identify with but it's just memes it's just different bits of egg fork sensation in a way and we take them on within ourselves instead of just seeing them in the moment and letting them pass through us and in that way when we take it on as part of our identity we think it's part of us which adds to the ego which we don't realize is lack of X Forex sensation or lack of being present to allow it to pass through us why did we record it anything that we record is something from the past and if we recall it we can generally think that it has a quark sensation if we're saying all this happened that happened but a lot of times when we identify with things we don't have that egg fork sensation of we got that from somewhere in the past and it's not me but since we made it me we've now created this ego structure that is a me that is just past collected images that we think has something to do with now we take it to be our identity we identify with it but we're just identifying with past recordings and then we're afraid and things were actually just afraid of her own past recordings I was thinking about how the inner child has often talked about in terms of the pain of the inner child or maybe like what the inner child wanted and the dreams and stuff but it's not often talked about in terms of just playfulness and celebration and learning and you know exploring so I was thinking about that and I was also thinking about thought and the ego is sort of we use that to calculate reality and navigate it's like our compass it's our calculator it's our processor and it's not a very good instrument it's not a very good sonar and to use our ego for everything is kind of like trying to use a calculator for making a phone call we don't see that we have a lot more instruments than just this ego perception and as Jamie wheel said it's sort of like having one's inner experience as more of a dashboard than just thinking about past stories and I think if we create new memes wilco create a new dream and I was also thinking about how autism is like flow its flow in children it's a different type of flow meaning probably something going on with the prefrontal cortex the prefrontal cortex is probably not activating in a way to create language and self conceptualization and in my thoughts these children are immune to that there's a reason for that and I can't remember if I talked about this but I was thinking before and this probably was supposed to go on a different video tangent and I sort of got off track because I got writing too much and that's why these videos are more like bits and pieces they're not actually linear progressions of anything because my brain does not work in that way and I think that's one of the things I've been attempting to write this or write that and it doesn't work in that linear logical way because it's not about talking in order to make a point per se or prove anything it's just dialogue for the sake of making meaning and and having meaning flow through dialogue not by making anything else but that and mainly just to make meaning for myself and if I use any scientific terms it's just to be playful with words not to say that I'm a scientist even though I did do a science degree I was thinking about how productivity which they're talking about in terms of flow research is a concept productivity is a concept that fits within say a nine-to-five structure so how can we make someone be productive within this 925 structure which is like right now they're bored to tears and their prisoners of a clock and how do we make people productive in that framework so this assumes that humans are machines that if you upgrade the software or if you change the machine a little bit you're going to get more production and they talk about creativity in terms of productivity but creativity is when the me is not and it's difficult for the me to not be there when crammed into a 925 structure for example and I do think they're talking about how things need to change towards value creation versus productivity that could actually be quite scary because there's probably a very small portion of people in the world that would be able to maybe one percent that would be able to contribute to the world's productivity and maybe those people would be the people with all the wealth instead of the people that are able to enslave people well actually that could be good though because very few people would be doing all the work and everyone else would just get to play and the work would change in such a way that people would be creating playful structures and not prison structures and creativity happens in freedom and freedom is when somebody's freed from their ego and by putting somebody in a prison and putting pressure on them it's not as likely to happen the system of education turns us into producers into machines when had we not been trained into that we'd be naturally creative and so-called productive but from a different place and space we would we would produce from a different dimension from that inner dimension of humanity which is creativity beauty love playfulness learning these inner human dimensions are beyond time but we've clogged up again we've clogged up this inner human dimension of multidimensionality to ego personality which creates inner time and space which blocks out eternity it divides eternity and that internal eternity that we have which is our source of beauty creation and all of that the one that wants to be productive is the block to real productivity when we're not turned into producers but allowed to be the creators that we are we get turned into functions of other people's structures by the structure of society instead of co-creating our own life and being creators I heard this quote that said if you don't create your own structures you'll be convicted to other people's structures so I drew a picture again so the shows that there's this inner rich multi-dimensional area and the creativity unfolds in time and then if if it's the other way through education there's a block here and this inner dimension actually turns into functionality in time we turn into cogs in the machine we would naturally unfold something other than what we were funneled into being a function of creating some other products I wonder what's the immunity to losing one's creative nature and this probably led me to talking about part of the business I want to create based on projects and just people creating value and being paid for that value they create which is part of what gift they want to give and it's based on one's heart unfolding not on time in the day because the thing too is somebody might have been working on something on and off for ten years and then it's practically created and then somebody submits a proposal for wanting something created and somebody's already created it they might be able to get paid in such a way that maybe they only had to work a couple of more hours on it to perfect it but they've been working on it for ten years on and off so maybe they get X chunk of money that's a value versus oh you were here for three hours and you gave us this and we're going to give you wages for those hours so it acknowledges the people are already working on their gifts and people already have gifts to give that are just sitting there but there's no context in which for them to give it and then other projects could be something they just really passionately want to do and I was thinking too when a person's in a creative state they naturally fast they don't eat as much and maybe they go into ketosis and that could be part of the flow state as well which is just a fasting state not eating so much sugar and I could be the first person in the portal for this could be more like a portal like a curation of trans consciousness people that are trans conscious of difficulty walking in this world because it'd be like sleepwalking in a way but awake walking and being too awake almost because one can really see what's going on out there I can remember if I talked about that the mental health system is in recovery to the mental health system is mentally ill in a way and needs to recover but they're not seeing that there's they're thinking that everything they're doing is right and they're doing some right things but some things not so much and they're not really noticing their symptoms of a super ill system and I feel like the population called mentally ill is an untapped skilled heart-centered a bunch of people and their skills are just not recognized and there's no place for them in society so I'd like to create that space and that context that space in other people's minds just see it and I can't remember if I talked about this other little thought project and maybe not isn't even a campaign or anything maybe it's just a play on words but home less for homelessness which is home dash less meaning watch less TV get off one's butt and just go out and about and and help I would be helpful and be kind and I just think that in itself would help homelessness in a way somehow people that have homes need to be home less doing something to heal the gap and the disparity and I was also thinking about an aspect of it called tell your vision instead of television but it could be television tell one of your visions and just that's again about vision casting the future and so we can step into that and I think that's in a way mania and and having visions and things in those states of consciousness is like an appreciative inquiry it's like seeing what is and what is great and seeing how it could be and how it should be and if we don't talk about that at all we're not going to be able to move toward it I think a lot of people that go into those states have those experiences but never get a chance to share so it would be tell a vision as in te ll dash a dash vision television people could watch other people's visions have another little comparison that giving one's attention to the ego is like buying the best TV to watch the snow channel I don't even know if the snow channel exists anymore but still it would be to watch the snow channel I was thinking that my superpower is a quiet PFC pre-frontal cortex psychosis is like an allergy towards like reacting to words we're all reacting towards so we're all kind of in psychosis we're all allergic two words can we create new memes and move towards new means that are the collective vision not the collective ego I may have talked about this in a long time ago video but psychosis to me is a solution it's not the problem it's a symptom of the greater problem of humanity but not an individual illness I think people that get in contact with trans consciousness and have that clear perception and are able to perceive based on patterns can actually just look at something and see how it works and see the truth of it and understand it without meeting 10 years of science to pick that process apart so in that way i feel like people that go into these states are can go about redesigning reality quite quickly if they're really seeing with their hearts as opposed to reading in books and then doing a little study and changing one variable oh my gosh at this rate if we're actually doing that our technology is going to surpass us so fast like if that's how we're learning as humanity technology is definitely going to go by us and there's going to be a I robots that no way more than us because they'll figure it out way faster than we have with our little scientific process we are the universal we can just look if we have a clear perceptual field and understand how things work I heard someone share their story about recovery and they talked about volunteer and how much that helped them and it made me think about how that's part of what I want to design into my life and into people that I may be able to help in some way and they said that volunteer really helped and I was volunteering right away as well even though it wasn't official really helped I wrote down here paid in human growth I think that's saying to myself that the biggest payment I could receive as if I was able to be around people who wanted to grow as humanity more so than money I wrote down altruism first so i have a happiness first initiative altruism first as part of that because one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something nice for other people and I think this creates physiological changes which actually lightens up one structure with the oxytocin I feel like the slow way to enlightenment is oxytocin the fast way is tryptamines like taking some kind of medication or drug to get there but that gets one there by oneself whereas the oxytocin is actually the protection from going into personal ecstasy which is quite dangerous because there's no such thing as personal ecstasy and so when you're not a person and you're in ecstasy you're alone and you can be destroyed quite easily
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with the present moment which is not the present moment so we're always interpreting the present in terms of the past and in that way we're not actually learning and there's nothing new and so things feel meaningless and not beautiful we adapt a thing so something that's beautiful right now if I do that every day it's not going to be feeling the same way so we kind of do the opposite with our ego memories we have these things and we're always feeling the same way because we're recognizing the same pattern because we allowed it to get stuck there of the billions and trillions of patterns we've experienced in our life until now we let if you get stuck in our body and on our inner light body mind screen and then we're always reacting and seeing that those bits are what are making the rest of our life salient it's being made salient as this meaningless because we've adapted to seeing the same thing all the time and has gotten really boring and it's it's habit it's habitual and it's important to make certain things have it like walking driving things like that but if we're making our psychological bits habit besides actual physical skills then we're actually polluting our inner dimension and it's no longer the rich experience that we came here with so again the ego is like a hallucination it's like a delusion we're being diluted and polluted by our past and trying to change our thoughts is sort of like trying to hallucinate a better ego and that can pacify us for a while but it's not that sustainable so I believe manic consciousness makes us an instrument of the universe instead of an instrument playing the old songs of the ego and the images inside our head and passed off which is like being an old record so most people in reality are walking around like they're old records and they're keeping the old alive and then when that mind screen gets clearer in the inner light body everything filters through us and funnels through us and passes through us clean and that means we're actually playing and acting and being animated by the energy of the universe and not like a record would be or like one of those old music boxes if there was no little little pieces of metal there there would be no music so in that way the ego is like a music box with all this music but it's not in tune so and then the universe is like music box but it's the tune of the universe so as it turns around the song that's being played is in tune whereas the ego is like a music box that the thing was just created kind of randomly or it was just the same note over and over again leading ding ding ding just the same note and it gets really boring and nobody would want to listen to it so the person who's listening to it get really bored again I feel like the mines green the inner light body hits becomes a dust filter when once one piece of dust accumulates it's going to keep accumulating on that point so that's going to be like a sore spot for people and like a trigger to play the old record and act out old past programming one can see ones tendency to want to react and not react and that starts to stop the accumulation and maybe what gets pretty accumulation is whatever it is that one acts with in ennis instead of that so it almost repattern so by doing one gesture all the time is going to make my muscles attuned and my brain in tune to that but if I start doing a different gesture it's going to weaken that other circuit of that one that I was always doing as a reaction now if instead doing that one reaction now I have a choice of doing a hundred different things or whatever it is required in the moment now I've gone from having sort of that scar tissue in that aspect of myself to not having it because I'm not always reinforcing that so our past programming tends to dictate our reactions yet we think we have choice over the way we act I feel like when the mine screen inner light body interface interface is clear the universe just passes through us and we pass through the universe and we become an instrument of the universe of that one song of that common humanity that we are and that doesn't necessarily have to manifest as anything particularly special it's trying to be special that is the ego process and that's something that is in opposition to just being a human being I was thinking to the ego is like a camel it's constantly reaching the same thing swallows it and then it regurgitates it and then it it choose it and swallows it again and it's also like a dog eating its own poo mania is again like the universe creating new memes through us we're the ones that have language and create this it's like memes are seeds it's turning us into a flowering plant in a way with all of its pollen and it's like a different way for these memes to be created there's probably other ways to look mad at consciousness isn't the be-all end-all of things it's a way to create so many memes just like there might be a million seeds released from a flower in the wind doesn't mean every single one of them is going to produce a new flower it's almost like just trying to create a lot of memes and see what might what might catch on so in that way mania is like a flowering process and I can't remember if I talked about this but it goes back to Tom Wooten's bipolar in order and how he talks about a lot of his work is around acting normal so called normal when in extreme states of consciousness so in extreme manias or different levels of mania and then practicing that so one can be super energized and still act normal and not make people uncomfortable and that has a lot of value and I feel like what I'm talking about too is acting energized when feeling normal so after one has come down from one's mania not sitting there and thinking oh I can't wait to feel so wonderful again and not just thinking what I'm going to work to act normal when feeling wonderful but also acting wonderful when feeling normal when not needing that reward it's like learning how to dance for example one can go to a class and be shown the steps and do the steps at the class with it with the instructor and then when one goes home ones no longer with the instructor but one can still practice on one's own and one needs to practice on one's own because otherwise when they go back to class again when that energy comes again they won't have integrated what they've learned in that first lesson I'm not saying it's like a school thing it's just a flowering it's an unfolding and so if I practice what I harvest from learning in my first mania as like the universe was animating me that way it was almost making me dance in a certain way I was dancing with the universe it was my instructor was my guide it was me I was it and so then after the fact I could just wait for the instructor to come back or I could think wow it taught me a lot just like a kid could learn somebody shows them how to draw something and I go home and they practice it's the same thing coming back to ego consciousness is like coming home with everybody else to practice being that way that the universe showed us was our natural way of being and I don't know I might change what I think about this one day in terms of should one practice or not and I don't think it's necessarily about practice I think it's more the manic consciousness provides different context it it provides contrast so one can contrast oneself to how when was in mania or one can and the thing is to most people get pathologized and then end up you know like worse than they normally were but then they get a cot in the fact that oh now life sucks more than it did before this all started and they take on the stigma story and the pathology when to me a person could and this is what i did just laugh my way through it and that's the thing i feel like a person can move themselves closer to how they were in mania rather than after being pathologized and maybe being really out of it and low and everything and I've been there not necessarily practice getting back to my ego self but practice getting back to my manic self not with the hope that the energy is going to come back but just that's how we're designed to be as humans and that's how the universe animated us Andrey patterned us and gave us that hint it danced with us the dance through us it danced as us and it said this is the way to be and it might take a bit before finding where one wants to express themselves in that way like maybe it's not safe to be that happy out in the society but one could take an improv class or clowning or go to school with patch Adams or there's so many different things there's almost like we need to find safe ways to be manic safeway's to be that happy and that joyful because it's not safe and you know just like when say gay people were first coming out they had there was probably very few safe places they could go and be gay and now they still can't go and be gay everywhere and be safe so in the same way we need to figure out ways that we can go and be gay as in happy the original meaning of gay and so again it's something with the consistency right people consistently are not extremely joyous and happy out in society so there's a lot of talk about mental health literacy and educating people around the symptoms of mental illness and everything so they can spot them and help people well why don't we have happiness literacy what makes people happy and joyous and and educate people about that but some for some reason we forget we used to know as children and and actually going out and being happy and ridiculous and reminding people about it they seem to forget instead of allowing things to just go on the same path and then telling people watch out for mental illness along the way all the things that our protective of mental illness have to do I believe with oxytocin and bonding and in common humanity and that's the real protection and maybe if we form some sort of mannix Association the humanik ciseaux CA shin then we can protect each other in a way by having a common context and saying yeah that's what it's like to be trans conscious and it's not necessarily a mental illness it just means sometimes where our ego self and sometimes we're not and that would that would also help with the whole I've been doing a lot of ego bashing and it's not supposed to be like the ego is completely evil because it's it's not completely evil it can lead to not so healthy manifestations and that's the thing to a trans conscious experience I feel like by giving us that experience of rich beauty and in or diversity instead of just this ego we always experience I feel like this trans consciousness experience is just inner diversity it's just diversifying inside and that's sort of opening up our brain and our perception again so we can learn so this trans consciousness is about inner diversity it's not just about out our diversity we have all these outer diversity projects like don't don't discriminate against homosexual people are don't discriminate against people that are not the same ethnicity as you why don't we have this inner consciousness thing so again this would sort of it's possible that people that have trans conscious experience or trans consciousness experience this inner diversity in that other consciousness we experience beauty love truth all these rich dimensions of the inner experience of being human and then we come back to ego consciousness which is more I'm me your you I have my little goals that I'm working towards and and I think that inner complexity is just as necessary as the outer complexity that's happening out there and so I don't feel that people that are trans consciousness should be discriminated and it's basically acknowledging that we have an ego consciousness but we also have a common consciousness and maybe we need to speak a little bit more in terms of the common consciousness that we all share and not so much about the ego consciousness and and that common consciousness perspective is as part of the mirror neuron thing it's like if you look over there you can see that that might be hurtful yet the ego can rationalize it and block it off but I feel like people that are trans consciousness have both and so they're able to see from both so it gets confusing for one sometimes or it's painful it can help it can create more allostatic load because one is seeing other trauma and sort of taking it on oneself and it's hard to let that pass through actually i feel like i feel that trans consciousness allostatic load accumulation is it's more painful in a way because it's real it's actually happening in the moment and when to seeing it and it drains one's energy whereas the ego consciousness that's sort of like that happened 10 years ago and you just keep picking at the same scab and if you would just stop it so um but at the same time I feel like people that don't experience trans consciousness can still perceive those hurtful things they're just not they just don't really know that it could be coming from something other than their own individual ego stuff because they don't realize that it's one consciousness and the thing with these videos too is interesting is I draw down notes and insights and then I just start looking at them and talking about stuff and the thing that came up with today about trans consciousness sort of using the analogy of transgender people I didn't write that down so I only came up with that by just talking and speaking and I think I'm liking that because even from a couple months ago when i had manic harvest germania then in body or mania and then i'm thinking about epi memetics and endo mimetics and now i'm thinking about i had just the thing written down about the language of transgender people and relating to how I'm creating transfer mania language which is like language transformation which is transfer mania and then transfer mania relates to how mania is kind of a transformation process and I'm realizing that I like this concept in order to describe it as trans consciousness because I feel like I identified with my ego consciousness and also the collective subjectivity of being human that we all share that collective dimension and I've plunged completely into the collective dimension and so it's just varying levels of having that other conscious experience and maybe if I wasn't on medication I would be completely identified with that other consciousness and that would that wouldn't be good for being functional in this society so what I'm saying is I'm seeing the value and in talking about this stuff and I still have lots more written down and it's just interesting how I can see other ways of looking at it as the process goes on I just I just really hope that other people might find this hopeful and helpful for how they think about themselves because I couldn't imagine for example being transgender or feeling transgender I'm being completely alone thinking I've never seen anyone else like that I've never heard of anyone else like that maybe I'm the only person in the world that feels like I'm I'm a man in a woman's body or something and so I feel that same way a little bit with this trans consciousness I feel like I can see things from a different perspective kind of like a temple grandin she can see things differently and they call that autism and it's a different way of being but doesn't make a person less than I just like people with different diversities externally and also internally in terms of their orientation like a person that is gay you can't necessarily tell they're gay unless they tell you or you could tell perhaps if there were two men walking down the street holding hands you could think well that's likely that those people are gay now with this trans consciousness thing that I feel I'm experiencing there's no way you would ever know that I would be a person with trans consciousness and that could also mean to that my consciousness or this consciousness isn't always necessarily a hundred percent correlated with this body and this person that everyone else thinks that I am or even who i think that i am and maybe who I think I am is going to change over time most the time I realized that I me but I've had experiences where I think I'm a homeless man on the street and if I really thought that and nobody was around me I might get up and walk away and then maybe be captured at some point and Medicaid and then oh you're you I'm like oh that was weird well that was your mental illness well that's a lovely explanation but to me it's more like trans consciousness we all believe that were these egos and that's good for functionality but i think that belief in that ego is losing its hold for people and so I think that's the whole trans consciousness is consciousness is and the universe itself is even transitioning us from having egos because the ego is what is going to destroy the world and that's why I feel that children with autism aren't going to have the same kind of ego structure for example I think that it'll either be a lot harder or a lot easier to get children with autism to go to war and just things like that so the world is going to change as these children grow up and I really really hope that their genius is able to flower because with their experience of consciousness I don't even think society is designed for them to flower into who they're here to show us they are just as people who go into trans consciousness again a lot of what I've talked about is there's no context in society society is not designed for us to be extremely happy society is not designed for us to be trans consciousness it's not designed for us to be inconsistent and so we try so hard to be consistent because that's what the world demands and if all of a sudden I'm being inconsistent and I'm around my family they're going to think what's wrong with you well maybe I'm trans consciousness and maybe that means that I'm not always this ego and when I'm in a different state of consciousness I can be doing different things than I would if I'm in my ego state of consciousness so perhaps my life needs to be designed around who is it that I'm expressing today and that's not a multiple personality thing that's a different biorhythm it's a different biorhythm then i work nine to five everyday that is a construct of humanity if I wake up in my energies like I want to go out and be in a park and I could be in a park my energies like I want to read a whole book I can read a whole book if my energy is like I want to work on this project I can work on this project so it's it's an energetic perception action in the moment thing and not well well the clock says I have to do this so that's what I'm going to do I think a lot of us are being driven crazy by this clock we don't go based on our internal clock which is not a clock at all it's not space and time it's beauty love truth perception action intelligence
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part of transformania which is creating new language for people who experience manic consciousness is just creating new meaning and new memes that can replicate through us if they resonate I'm just having fun playing with words and I don't know if any of it resonates so also with what I was saying about how I feel like I just have to say this stuff and get it out of my system these memes are sort of within me or on bits of paper and I feel like I want to share and this is a form of I'm not sure if it's epi mimetics or endo mimetics but just like there's epigenetics control above the genes there's I feel there's there's mimetics there's memes and we usually recycle memes from our past as well as what we see in the media and learn from other people so it's all sort of passed and old and secondhand and I feel going into the state of media gives us access to new memes we're actually the makers of new memes and doesn't mean they're all correct it just means they're new and we can either spread them or we can talk about them or not talk about them and I feel like in the state of mania we talk about them and we can't not talk about them but we're just sort of bouncing around talking to random people or whatever so they don't necessarily take hold per se and it's not a state where you're talking about the state it's a state where you're just talking about whatever is in the moment so now part of my harvesting process is harvesting the state by sort of unfolding and making context about the state so I have pages of all of the things I wrote down the very first time I was in that state of consciousness and I don't know how much of it is actually coherent they but they might have been some nice thoughts and ideas but what I'm saying is those weren't memes about the state so now i'm creating memes which are a language to understand the state so actually I'm seeing now that I feel like mania is epi mimetics it's memes coming from somewhere else than our own personal pool of memes or the memes that are well-known in society and they're sort of perceptual mimetics and that we perceive something and memes get created within us which we can speak so if i was in manic consciousness i could speak them and blah blah blah they'd sort of spread out a little bit or say i was a manic consciousness i just decided to talk to my cell phone video for 20 hours and then post that now those memes can spread more but if i'm in mad at consciousness not all of it would be coherent per se i might be saying i'm captain of the universe which would be kind of entertaining as well but what I'm saying is I feel like harvesting one's mania after the fact is a form of endo mimetics so it's going back in retrospect and thinking about the EPI mimetic process and creating endo memes related to the EPI memes so I could share epi memes and I can share endo memes which are making meaning out of that meaning making process itself the state itself is very meaningful it's felt as very meaningful and there's no need to make meaning out of that meaningful state it's just living and being alive and celebrating and being playful and that's the meaning itself and so this is sort of making meaning in retrospect witches endo mimetics which is related to the epi mimetics I have an epi meme which is say the one I shared before about we're all killing each other with our thoughts feelings and actions and that's to do with sort of the butterfly effect or the ripple effect how what we do here affects somebody across the world and in sits in subtle ways that we can't necessarily perceive if we can actually perceive it we wouldn't do it but that's what makes it an interesting game is we have no idea what we're doing and what's going to happen we're going to be surprised the moment we find that life isn't going to surprise us anymore we're pretty much in the state of suicide so so I feel that that's the way it is is harvesting one's manias and doma mattox it's making meaning out of the EPI memes and not that all of them were meaningful maybe the endo mimetics process is sort of our own personal pruning so i could take that whole big long document i wrote with my first epi mimetic experience and that all felt meaningful in the time i was writing it but now if i was to look back on it I would be using sort of an endo mimetic process my own knowledge from in retrospect of how the process works in order to process some of those memes and so I could sit here and say oh I experienced this and I experienced that and that means this and that means that and I do a little bit of that but I'm more interested in the end o mimetics the meaning that I can harvest from the experience itself because I'm not necessarily interested in going back into an epi mimetic state maybe I don't need that anymore but I'm interested in making meaning out of the whole process itself so the whole process is seen as pathology right now and i'm creating endo memes which is making meaning and making context and sort of processing all the memes and meaning that which is again not craving that state again per se but it's recontextualizing how I was told to interpret that state I never interpreted that way in the first place but I find it very fascinating it was sort of like experiencing an anomaly but within myself and from then people might be interested in outerspace while I'm interested in my own inner space it's something that more directly affects my life and so I'm going through this harvesting my mania process which is endo mimetics and it's also endo mimetics in that I'm bringing these memes from inside and me out I just sit here or not say anything or I could do this endo mimetic process and bring them out into something else it's like that energy is there which is almost like electrons which is light and and that light that energy within unfolds into sounds through me because I can I can see the pattern of what I'm trying to illustrate and then that allows the sounds to just come out because I'm speaking based on what I'm perceiving from the inside which isn't related to my ego as much as sometimes it is because I can see how the ego works in in context to and in contrast to this other process which I feel mania is a process of getting one in touch with one's true way of processing and that we are a processor of the universe and we're processing things as much and through processing we're also creating I can just go about processing my ego over and over again or I can process something else and the ego process is very meaningless it's a mistaken is very meaningful and so this other process is almost a meaning making process and I'm making meaning out of that state out of that experience but I'm also making meaning out of my journey since that experience and what it could mean moving forward so that's endo mimetics and epi mimetics and I feel like that is related to what David Bohm said dr. David Bohm said we need a new source of ideas and information and I feel there is a different source a lot of people talk about being in touch with source or their intuition and things it's just related to that and some people are just maybe naturally in touch with that never seemed manic and maybe other people they go into that consciousness and to me I feel it's sort of like ego surgery it's like trans consciousness surgery so maybe some people are transgender and some people are trans consciousness and maybe bipolars just trans consciousness sometimes a person is identified with their persona and sometimes they lose that identification and they behave more like an adult child and they're not behaving like themselves because they're not identified with that so what is it that keeps us identified with that and it could actually be fear because in the state of mania we lose all fear all shame all of those sort of lower faculties that keep us clinging to our ego which is the thing that is trying to keep us avoiding those experiences and once we lose that fear we lose our ego perhaps the ego is fear and I feel like aw is everything but the ego so uh is the entire universe and the ego is it not all is everything but all is just chattering on and got chattering blocks that just complete losing one's breath in awe of the beauty of the universe and I think maybe this conscious transformation or this trans consciousness is I feel like the ego is the personality and this other conscious experience is the place analogy so we become our playful selves when we're decoupled from that thing that prevents us from being playful and we can be somewhat artificially playful with it but the true playfulness when we've detached from those words we're actually now in touch with gestures spontaneity perception pattern recognition and all of those things so that's another word transformation and transfer mania as you go from in transfer mania in mania you become trans consciousness and you go from the ego consciousness to your adult child playful consciousness trans for mania and I think that's one of the ways we could stir it up is just with our body language and our gestures and all of our non verbal communication so people that have been pathologized like myself have a tendency to lose their connection with their posture and their strength and their voice and it'd be interesting to to help assist people to put themselves back together so they appear more well than the are and it's possible because they've on all this medication not necessarily from their mental this supposed mental illness and just by going out and being sort of happy clowns in different postures with no words at all we'd be able to change the social fabric instead of waiting for somebody to come along and help us with their pathologizing language that they try to put on to us and that's what we need to be immune to doesn't mean don't accept help it just means don't take that in it's like yeah you believe that and that's how you're going to help me thank you it's the only way you know how but I don't believe that about myself and that's part of this transfer mania language is to create different language for us at least to think about ourselves and to see ourselves in in the meantime and just like all these autistic children they're pathologized yet if they were able to tell us what it's really like if they were able to describe it in great detail for a hundred hours I don't think they would say what we think that it is based on our observations they would probably be saying you were thinking about something mean and that's why I had a tantrum like it would be something so far beyond our own beliefs and perceptions about things like like with temple grandin for example she designed slaughterhouses for cows based on how she could see where they would get spooked and freaked out and then they'd need so much more prodding to go through so she designed one that would be humane well in the same way if you look around your apartment or your house and imagine being a super sensitive child crawling around or something how many little things would spook you or creeped you out because they can see in a different way she would say she thinks in pictures and and that makes sense because they have less words and pictures would probably be the patterns of things that one is recognizing so so they can recognize patterns and they're super sensitive and they're super intelligent but they're intelligent in a different way just like I feel people that go through this trans consciousness experience maybe we're intelligent in one way before an intelligent in that way plus other ways after maybe they lose certain elements they're not able to be functional because society is kind of traumatizing in the same way that a slaughterhouse not designed by a temple grandin is traumatizing so a person that goes through this trans consciousness oftentimes they've experienced some kind of trauma or something and then they go through and then everything outside and reality look scary so they become non-functional everything makes them anxious so it's almost like they've been restored again to this adult child like version of themselves where things seem scary because we have that sort of child perspective of recognizing the patterns of things and we just recoil in fear because it is really terrifying out there if you're not numbed out to that so I feel kids that have that disposition are intelligent in different ways and probably in the ways that humanity needs right now and if they're not actually flowering in that intelligence it's not their fault it's the design of reality if their space was a hundred percent playful even every room of the house they would probably be able to function better and learn because they learn through play and and they learn through patterns and they learn through gesture and they learn through watching people and if they're watching grumpy people they're going to learn grumpiness I was thinking about how trauma hurts the image one has of oneself it doesn't actually hurt the living organism that we are hurts one's image and when that happens it's again something to do with the inconsistency factor and so I feel like to that's when we when we we experience that inconsistency factor we then look for a way to be consistent so we find the consistent story in our reality to match up with that so if I went through manic consciousness I was put into I was being inconsistent and then I was put into the story of mental illness because that's the explanation that goes with that pattern of becoming inconsistent but the benefit of that in a way is that that makes the image construct unstable and when it becomes unstable one has more chance of say going into altered states of consciousness because it's become unstable and we start to see different things out reality instead of seeing through our ego lens because maybe part of us doesn't want to see through that lens anymore because we're not who we think we were this image we built up about ourselves were something else I also think that society damages the hippocampus and I actually feel like moving around in society based on the ego is a subtle form of psychosis it's illusion it's hallucination and then when somebody gets into a full-blown psychosis it's it's kind of more obvious and so it seems like normal people just are really good at faking that they're not psychotic when a lot of their thoughts probably are psychotic they're just not acting on them so they have this mechanism that prevents them from acting on their psychotic thoughts well that can break down in anybody normality is psychotic that's the thing if somebody in full-blown psychosis sees the whole world is psychotic and everyone they interact with practically is playing into that and so it's actually a lot more sane to come upon that I've been psychotic four times and I think that helps me be way more sane that's why I don't believe in saying that I'm a person living with a mental illness because I've seen I've been completely insane and so I've been able to see everything that contributes to that and then when I'm not in that state I'm able to not participate with that I feel like that state actually puts me in that state to see to have those visions to experience all of that terribleness and experience it fully because it's already it's going on in the world and it's showing that we are all one consciousness some of us get in touch with that in psychosis and can't handle it and say in their life and and then they're seen as they were mentally ill when really they were seeing and experiencing the full-blown mental illness of society and I feel like I feel I feel like society is a mental illness and that there's no such thing as mental health anything mental is actually illness that's actually disorder thought is disorder as Krishnamurti would say not thought disorder so it's just varying levels of psychosis and Krishnamurti also said it's no measure of health to adjust oneself to a profoundly sick society so that's why I don't agree necessarily in the long term with medicating people back into functionality because the functionality of society is sick so the people that are so-called sick have actually seen this sickness of society and if they weren't made impotent by chemical ego band-aids than they might actually want to do a little bit of something about it and by turning it into a personal problem and make somebody even more impotent I've been made slightly impotent yet I still have the impetus to change that's why I feel like eventually I don't really want to work in mental health because I don't believe in mental illness I don't believe in mental health and I feel like the people that are labeled with this kind of stuff actually see and they have the best chance at being able to change things because they can see all the subtle things that are happening people that go through this trans consciousness experience are like the Temple Grandin's of reality they can look around and see how it's designed in ways that are are traumatizing and adding to stress where people that are feeling the cumulative effects of this they're feeling it but they don't know they're feeling it people that have gone through trans consciousness experience can see it and feel it after the fact still even if medication blocks it out somewhat but they don't understand that that's one of the things that they can do so it's not a bad thing it's it's something that can help everybody I could walk into a mental health center and be like traumatizing traumatizing traumatizing rude person rude person that person's energy is off that person's scary like it would be quite easy because that's the thing it's even people that haven't had this experience of going through a crisis or even if you want to call it mental illness they're still accumulating stuff over time that is kind of like a ticking time bomb like everybody is a ticking time bomb and a person can get have something happen and with the allostatic load of society and all the stress that we live with it doesn't take much for somebody to have a breakdown and so I feel like people that go through trans consciousness experience can can help inform with what needs to change it's almost like children they would be able to tell us if they knew how to communicate but they don't so people that goes to trans consciousness are are connected again with a childlike perception in a way because the ego consciousness isn't in the way oh and I was thinking I was thinking about the ego and how one of the most annoying things to do one of the base first world problems is putting a new screen protector on one's smart phone and try as hard as you may you probably have a piece of dust under there and it's just like ah damn but what can you do so the ego is kind of equivalent to dusting off your table with your screen protector and then putting it on and thinking that you're going to be able to interface with your phone properly I remember once I was an airplane with a friend and it was kind of turbulent upon landing and she said to me it's just clouds so I was a bit of a nervous flyer and when she said it's just clouds I was like okay it's just clouds and I sort of understood and I just sort of let it pass behind it didn't really bother me as much and in the same way the ego was kind of just like dust and it's just like clouds so if something pops up into my mind screen that gets me a little fired up for some reason it's just clouds oh that's nice like it's just cloud please it'll pass and just not identifying with it not thinking i am the clouds and now i'm going to create a storm and great rain and i was thinking to with this mine screen I feel like the mine screen is our real face so we might put on a smiling face but it's the energy of our interface this mine screen that we have where we take impressions and make calculations and most the time people have ego judgments going on whatever is going on in that mind screen that inner image domain of judging and thinking about oneself or thinking about other people that's actually our real face if what's going on on our interface on our mind screen is not something that we would be genuinely smiling about that we're not really smiling and we're not energetically fooling anybody we're not fooling the universe and with that we are changing our center of gravity such that we're not in flow we're accumulating allostatic load which as I think is actually like accumulating gravity and moving away further from our light body which could actually be the light body could actually be our inner mind screen or inner face it's like our light processor version of our self which is like our inner mirror which we can play images on or we can take impressions of the outer world but I think actually that's what makes an impression on the outer world is that inner light body self that we are so we can have anything on our outer face but the interface is actually what determines this and I feel like that is the light body and we're actually more that than anything but whatever has played second by second in our life on our interface is what has accumulated as us so we can accumulate toxic garbage and always have our interface mine screen interface polluted and that's going to change our the look on our face that's going to change our the muscles on our face and everything even for me I since I've been doing these videos i practice sort of using both sides of my mouth because this one is not as active and I think that was from some an event when I was really really young and I actually have like this muscle that's all like congealed together in here and I don't think this side of my face works the same way it's not on this side so something happened where I probably like really clenched up and that just really stuck together and has affected my face ever since but even from my first videos i think my lip was more like this now just with talking over time it's showing my teeth a bit more which i think is is you know better in terms of not being like stiff upper lip like talking like this all the time so just how i'm using my face and expressing this inner light this interface these memes that i've created by interfacing with reality is changing my face and it's speaking from my interface my interface my inner light body and that's like reap a turning my physical structure as I go along so this could be this harvesting process could actually be just talking about these memes in order to harvest myself and and sort of grow regrow myself as a garden in a way and I think we can I think that light is always there and in the trans consciousness experience when we decouple from the ego we go more into that light and that shifts our whole physical structure so that shift is always there and we can shift into it so I could go from say five foot five of five and a half to probably five foot six and a half in like a snap if I was in my light body version but it's almost like I need to unfold all this meaning and share all these memes in order to in order to sort of rejoin with that light body version so I am NOT in daily life versus just talking about it because right now I do realize I'm just talking about that but I'm not that but I feel like I need to talk about it in order to get to that which is getting out of my system in a way and so yeah I can I can sort of see how that works and I don't know if it's true but it's like we have this interface and as we go through reality we collect gravity we eat food but we also sort of collect gravity like a dust filter in a way like our mind screen becomes a dust filter for reality when we pick up these ego hurts and then we have this dusty screen and those bits of dust and trauma on our inner light body self are where maybe accumulated toxins can can collect and sort of poison us in a way so maybe this is a point where it's it accumulated in me or just yeah it became non-functional the energy wasn't flowing and then there's all this sort of tissue around there that's yucky
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I got this as a gift for my niece definitely gonna wear it to work on Monday and just more random thoughts that I want to talk about to myself for no particular reason just transforming it from words in my computer or words on pieces of paper to video and i was i was thinking again about how the mind screen is the way we interface with reality and we're interfacing more with the mine screen then we are with people's actual faces we're not taking them at face value we're taking them at the value of our evaluations based on our thoughts and images in our head so we have these interference patterns of thoughts and an images that are somewhat holographic in nature and those patterns and those movies playing in our head actually interfere with us being able to perceive the actual pattern of what's happening right in front of us and I think that's one of the reasons why people that go into manic consciousness can read reality so well because that eagle mines green interference pattern creator of old past images has has gone away and actually think that it might be replaced with maybe kind of thoughts and images calculations in the mind screen that are more congruent with actual reality and predicting things and pattern recognition instead of going based on the past ego limited stuff which is like this linear accumulation or as if it's clear we can use our full perceptual apparatus of our eyes and our heart and our entire being in order to read reality and that's what plays inside and it's actually a lot more information than the linear ego and that could be part of the information overload issue in a way is that now all of a sudden there's so much more information playing on the mind screen which is one of the ways we interface with reality it's almost like that's where our quantum holographic computer is and at some point that kind of works against us because then we start to make scary predictions about the future which may or may not be true or maybe a possibility that can easily be moved away from so we can either play old tapes or co-create the images and and words in our mind screen in order to be more congruent and actually co-create and unfold reality so if we're seeing our ego stuff we're just unfolding the same ego psychodrama all the time but if we start to get with reality we start to unfold with that and that can be a very very scary and challenging process and it's interesting because when the ego version of the images and thoughts on the mine screen is loosened up in the process of manic consciousness we're able to now play with images and words so we're able to see something in reality and create new words or see the connection to all the words and and make light of words and create new memes and new meanings and laugh at them and play with them and at a certain point they get they can get scary which is a bit of a natural progression of perhaps creating new memes and a new meaning because it can only go so fast and if a person goes too deep into their own personal meaning and meaning than in a way they've isolated themselves from reality and it's a symbolic journey into that ecstasy and it's an equal and opposite scary symbolic journey back it's almost like going into all these beautiful images that we're co-creating with the universe on her mind screen and in reality and then having to journey back through all the scary collective images and collective past to get to our personal past the two our actual personal point in time and space and in history because we've journeyed into this place of mystery and co-creation and you've decoupled from our ego in order to do that because their ego is what keeps us attached to this linear reality but then we have to come back and and almost rejoin up with our ego and to do that we have to kind of walk back through the past and maybe it's even we go into the future and we have to go walk pass through all possible scary futures in order to get back to the place in space-time of our ego that matches with our body clock space-time so in a way it could be like inner time travel to go into that manic consciousness and time travel into future possibilities for oneself and the world as well and that could play into the whole thing people experience like I go to save the world and and I feel it's true we each have to do our part to save our own world at least and our own world has nothing really to do with the ego-mind but that's sort of what keeps us coupled to this space and time and also is important to decouple from it a bit in order to create a different space and time externally by connecting to a different perception internally which doesn't have to do with one's personal ego reality because one sees in those states of consciousness that that ego reality has nothing to do with reality and if we're able to move into a different place within we will actually see and co-create something differently that's why I feel like it's important to talk about it and create the context for more people to say yeah that could be possible and see it that way and sort of be in that place together which I feel is more safe than going into it by oneself as a personal ecstasy and I think this is about the universe in a way trying to regain reality is trying to tell us what the actual rules of reality are the actual rules of humanity which have nothing to do with the program constructs and it's helping us regain reality and we can create a better game we can be positive social contagions we can we can be our embodied man itself and not even necessarily say a word and just change the world through gesture and nonverbal communication and this is what my niece with autism does she does a lot of nonverbal communication and she's really good at it and in a way there's a large population of people that probably pick laura pick up more on the nonverbal communication than verbal and they can read us and if we think oh well they're behaving badly they can read our energy no problem so if we aren't in that complete state of just being completely unconditionally loving they are going to know they're almost like the new human lie detector test it's all a test of unconditional love and not a test as in we're being tested but it's actually how reality and the laws of humanity are designed so it's almost like the laws of the human nervous system so we can be verbally very wonderful but if we're energetically awful and saying negative things inside that information is energetically a bit available to people who can pick up on it even if they can't hear what you're thinking in particular so the human nervous system picks up on these things it picks up on those subtle vibrations our cells pick up on those subtle vibrations we have vibration sensors on our cells as receptors so some of this receptors on our cells are for signaling molecules and some are for certain vibrations and that makes different intracellular changes and genetic changes and epigenetic changes so how one is actually being energetically has a healing effect or not that's what people some people feel very healing to be around and some people don't even though maybe on paper they should be a healing person but they're not so that's why the sotiria model didn't pick people based on their clinical knowledge they pick people based on if they could be with people who are in stream distress i created the words perceptual diversity and experience EO diversity meaning being okay with other people's experiences and perceptions and not judging them and I think part of that actually would be more people having the approach of open dialogue or dialogue as opposed to discussion and judgment and and throwing opinions at each other but just really being open to what people are saying and there was an example i saw in this training I did where if somebody has dementia and they say oh I gotta go to work the worker doesn't say you don't work anymore they say sure let's get a cup of tea on the way so they you know grab the coat and put a go get a cup of tea in the kitchen area of the home in the same way people I know that's what they do in the sotiria model if somebody says I have to go outside because the aliens are coming to get me and I need to you know be out there meditating or something the worker will go with the person and and go with what they're experiencing not shut down their experience and by doing that eventually at some point a person is able to go through all of that stuff and sort of reintegrate back into reality and because it's seen as something that's temporary and a manifestation of someone's distressed or just transformation process in general and not oh this person is ill I thought of as part of the business I want to create to create a human distress crew with people trained in the spiritual emergence paradigm as well as ec PR tre and all these other things and I was thinking it's sort of training a different kind of peer support worker and in a way the people don't necessarily have to have lived experience with a mental health diagnosis because in sotiria they didn't really hire people that had lived experience per se and I think sometimes it's difficult for people with lived experience to be with someone with such extreme distress because they've experienced the spectrum of that distress so it could be possibly more distressing for the individual because that's what I'm realizing being working in the system is really traumatized agent or vicarious trauma I was sort of just thinking that I'm actually more susceptible to allostatic load which is the term I heard from dr. Daniel Siegel which basically means accumulated stress so if I've been to that extreme state of distress myself it's it's likely that i'll have less tolerance for more stress and so I can maybe provide good perspective but I don't know if I'm the best person to be supporting people to go who go through these extreme states of distress I would love to be one that is able to create a framework for people to be able to get trained in such a way to support people through those distressing times and support me through those distressing times too but I don't know if I'm the one to actually do that kind of work and there's a lot of amazing people out there who and do that kind of work so the human distress crew and as a community crew I thought of it as I heard a term here at clubhouse without walls which was like the clubhouse paradigm but without the actual building I don't think it worked out but I was thinking imagine sotiria without walls which is people who are sotiria people who are sotiria model just like they train people to be to have mental health first aid these people would be trained to help with distress without pathologizing people and maybe some people need and want to be pathologized but i think there's also a space for people not to be and i feel this could actually really help with people especially youth perhaps who are waiting a year to see a professional there's this long wait list and what happens in the meantime maybe there's some distress that can be helped with and maybe some of the need for a person to actually see the professional is mitigated and I don't know if that's true and I'm not trying to take away from the need for professionals I'm trying to add some kind of help for the distress in the meantime I was thinking that the ego is like saliva because it's sort of equivalent to Pavlov's dog so we think of a thought and then there's some pleasure which is just sort of like the dog hearing the bell and then drooling so basically we're just sort of salivating all over ourselves and creating our own bells to make us think that that's actually food when it has nothing to do with it we're actually just wasting our molecules by creating all the saliva when there's no actual food there and the actual food of universe what really fulfills us is not something that we can think about I think I talked about before how the ego collapsing wavefunctions interferes with the universe collapsing wave functions and us also participating with that process of the universe collapsing wave functions we really need that clear screen when the screen is clear we see something and what arises on our mind screen holographic processor is something that is actually congruent with reality and since it's congruent with reality it brings us joy I feel like if it's congruent with reality it brings us something of those inner human dimensions that aren't divided up by our thoughts which is just about the past so it'll actually allow us to receive the perception of a tree and how beautiful it is and will feel that beauty when if we're just talking about something in our head we're not going to see that and we're not going to feel that I also think that the ego is like throwing ketchup at your brand new TV buy a brand new TV with this crystal clear screen and high definition and then smothering it with ketchup and thinking that you're going to get the best viewing experience and the ego images that get in the way of this quantum holographic impression that we take of reality we take full impressions and then we can make different abstractions and away from it so it's like abstracting beauty and love and all these things that are related to the truth about humanity instead of abstracting old eco concepts and when we're abstracting beauty we're communicating from a different place we are that beauty when we abstract it and that gives us energy in a different way that would create epigenetic changes when we're always perceiving beauty and also when we perceive it we start to learn how we're able to be it and share it because if we can do that with a tree and then all of a sudden we can do that with another person we can look at them and see how beautiful they are we're going to relate to them differently if we can see like wow look at that creature it's just amazing versus picking apart little judgment bits like we usually do we can either size people up or we can uplift them i was on a website the other day that was LGBTQ too they actually had a page on their language different terms they would like to be used in reference to their genders and sexualities which is helpful for people that don't know that language they don't know how people would like to be spoken about and referred to and or how they choose to talk about themselves so getting on board with the correct language of this new orientation or at least new awareness of these orientations now that it's safe for them to come out and express themselves to some degree same with for me I feel and this what I'm talking about in the context of manic consciousness and say having bipolar disposition and having this manic consciousness that sometimes I have access to and how I don't think it's a personal thing how I think it's something to do with the collective humanity just as a person who has a different gender may be transgender in some way didn't choose that that's how they are I didn't choose to go into manic consciousness so I feel like maybe some people their inner experience didn't match with the body they were given and they change it and they're able to in today's times which is great I feel also that my inner experience doesn't necessarily match with my body in that sometimes my inner experience changes in such a way that I don't feel like my identified ego self so that has nothing to do with my physical body I still feel like I'm a woman you know most of the time actually sometimes I did couple and I think I feel like a homeless man um and I've also felt like Jesus and maybe Jesus was a homeless man and maybe it's the same spectrum of consciousness who knows right so in the same way that people are able to change their gender I seem to be able to have a different spectrum of consciousness which isn't always keeping me the same so because it's not a physical thing I can go in and out of that and it's somewhat invisible just as somebody who is born in a woman's body but who identifies as being male in whatever sense of the proper terminology but just by looking at the person you wouldn't know that inside they feel like they were meant to be born a man or meant to be born the way they were but transition towards being a male identity or however it works for the individual I'm sure it's a very rich experience and it depends on the person just like people who go into altered states of consciousness it's not all the same for everyone not everybody had the exact same experiences that I did so we reach a unique manifestation and I feel it's part of actually the evolution of the complexity of humanity which is necessary mathematically as well as just how it is to be human so this community of people have their own terms of how they'd like to be spoken to spoken about referred to and how they talk about themselves and I'm sure it's going to evolve over time as more people start to say that label doesn't fit me maybe no labels fit anybody maybe we're all just completely unique expressions beyond labels just as they have a new transgender language I and the thing with that too is the language is only for the purposes of communication in a way because if a person changes genders and nobody knows they would just be assumed to be that gender that they have changed to be so they don't even need the language in order to explain it maybe they only need it in order to actually justify their existence if somebody either finds out or if they choose to justify their existence by talking about their journey and their experience then it's important to have that with me if I never chose to say i was diagnosed with Bipolar never chose to work in the mental health system nope i could probably hide it in my daily life and then if i went to the hospital i could hide it somehow from people if I really wanted to and nobody would know and what I'm saying is that I would never need to create some of my own words and language around how I like to think about my experience and how I choose to communicate with myself at least about my experience so people with the transgender language and different terms other people might not see it that way and might choose to not use that language and that's unfortunate or may choose to not educate themselves enough to to understand how to communicate in a compassionate and loving way with people who are on that courageous journey and and again it's about being my being oneself and I've talked about how Sean blackpool said bipolar disorders I can't be me disorder well person if they feel they need to transition in some way if they feel they can't transition they're likely going to develop some kind of mental health thing because they're thinking about stuff that they can't resolve so in the same way with manic consciousness it feels like I'm making these videos because I have to talk about it I have to get this out of my system I have these memes in side of me and I feel in the same way if somebody was transgender and created a word that described them and how they're comfortable being talked about and referred to and how they want to talk about themselves and then all sudden they are in contact with 10 other people who are like yes I like that word I like that term that resonates with my experience at this point in time it could change at a later date and so that's a helpful word not just for communicating with each other and people who are not necessarily of that orientation or disposition but also with oneself so I could call myself mentally ill I could call myself bipolar disorder I could call myself psychosis psychotic the term anak doesn't really bother me sometimes it's referred to say like maniac which is related to mania and I feel like they don't really talk about the stigma of mania too much because they just don't want to talk about mania too much because it's so amazing in its feeling and they they don't psycho educate about mania the most they do is say oh do you feel like you're special in reference to psychosis but they never really talked about they lump it in with psychosis they never talk about mania because maybe people would kind of want it so they talk about the fallout and they talk about all the sad stuff they don't talk about oh my gosh the people that are too happy so again with this language I feel like it's sort of the language of transfer mania it's like a transformation happening and it's through manic consciousness and there's transgender and I'm saying there's trends for mania which it sounds like its transition for mania and so it's kind of a language of transfer mania and the interesting thing is that in mania and mad at consciousness people often create new words and language and play with words and feel quite poetic I remember the very first time I thought I was going to be a rapper and I created like rap lyrics and I was rhyming all the time I didn't actually really say them out loud but I was writing them down and I thought I was going to be friends with Lauren Hill for some reason like I thought I was going to send her some lyrics and she'd be like yeah this is so great we'd be friends and I listen to this rap song by this young woman on YouTube and she was and I can't find it since then I don't even know what it was but I could just understand everything she was talking about made complete sense I guess that's what it's like when one is one with one's experience just like yeah I get it like I understand there's no needing to try to understand it's sort of an effortless learning and understanding process that actually could work against us in the long run because it's scary to understand too much sometimes and it's nice to go back to chemical eyes ignorance to be able to get through the day and not understand some of the things that are going on in reality by by just breathing so so yet the language of transfer mania
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I was talking to someone the other day and they were talking about how if we share our story in the context of mental health when we talk about it we go back there when we talk about something we go back to that place and they weren't talking about it in the context of where my mind went when it extrapolated from that it extrapolated that if I talk about the beautiful place that I went to within and experienced as the reality outside of me as well in mania then maybe I'll go back to that place so I can talk to myself about it on these videos and in a way keep those neural connections with that place or maybe just talking about it the words and the sounds will create those epigenetic changes or those endogenous no chemicals to take me back to that place and maybe it won't be as powerful to say when the energy of the universe comes and takes me back to that place but maybe it'll be enough to to keep a little connection with it and in that way to by continuing to talk about it in a way that's non pathologizing maybe i'll create that context within myself that next time I go into distress I won't pathologize myself and I'll be able to get through it and maybe if I can't get through it maybe I'll have someone to help me who's qualified to speak with me in terms of emotional CPR and maybe I'll have brought back to Canada because I see that it's important to have a non pathologizing way to talk to people in distress and so also by talking about how I believe there is a beautiful world right here right now we just can't feel it we're not sensitive to feeling it maybe because we're not sensitive because if we were all sensitive we'd also be sensitive to the crap that we've co-created as our supposedly meaningful human lives and we'd really want to change it and that would be some work yet we could end up in a forest and just live in the beauty for the next 20 years if we happen to be in a forest but if we happen to be in the middle of this society we could be in a lot of trouble and danger so we're not sensitive and if we go into that sensitivity we feel that beautiful world we see that beautiful world but then we're also sensitive to the one that we've created that's not beautiful and the world that's it is out there that's actually within us is not something we have created as egos and human beings it's something within that are all the innate human dimensions that that were connected with that we unfold and manifest that in our part of the co-creation of reality so I'm thinking that by speaking to that might help to create that if I do ever make these videos available to my fellow Mannix my fellow humanik then maybe other people will resonate with that as well and and choose to know that that's right there but it's also a matter of bringing it out so other people can see it too and we might actually be the vehicles of that which is part of the embodied mania so even though we're not feeling the extreme mania still embodying the mania to in a way hold and express that frequency that we know is there we just not tuned into it at the moment and I think part of it is because we have to collectively create it so everyone can tune into it it's already there we can go off into that state in personal ecstasy but then we're there by ourself and it has no value so when we come back it's important to uphold that frequency uphold the highest of ourselves not turn into the pathologized versions of ourselves that the medical paradigm would like us to be in and to work towards that because the more people that see what's already there will create a different world so again by speaking to that I go back to that place which isn't anywhere else but here now part of me is already there I'm part of this is also about teasing out the wellness and the dreams and the visions not just trying to fix illness that vision if we're able to connect with our vision and our dreams and flow towards that that state of flow will heal us just as that energy when it comes seems to completely heal us and free us the ego gets in the way of our vision but we can still utilize the ego to create our vision and I technically attempted suicide but I'm also a tempting living I'm not going to sit and do nothing because I'm afraid that I might go into distress and get scared and maybe attempt to end my life I would rather [Music] die by my own empathy then sit around being afraid of myself that's the thing I wanted to talk about when I was talking about vicarious trauma I think in the last video was that if I carious trauma implies empathy and extreme empathy and my empathy has got the best of me on three different occasions and I've ended up in the psych ward and I don't think that's a failure I think that is just how it is and and maybe it's difficult to work in such places with that capacity of empathy it doesn't feel like empathy at the time it doesn't feel like empathy empathy doesn't feel like empathy it feels like pain of the other person it feels like whatever the other person might be feeling and experiencing it doesn't feel like empathy and it's like extreme pattern recognition it's the mirror neurons it's identifying with the common consciousness and the common brain of humanity our perception links us to other people in that way so if I see somebody and I look at them and I'm in that state I can feel exactly what they're feeling it's not separate they even say if we look at somebody they're mirrored in our brain like if they smile their smile is in our brain it happens in our brain it affects us everything affects us and so in the same way I could look at a homeless person and feel the pain that they're feeling and maybe I don't feel at that exact moment it might come to me two weeks later and I think why am I feeling this way well I saw that I feel it's important to share our visions and her dreams and create this context because otherwise we become consumers of the context of the medical paradigm and again I'm not saying that's wrong I'm just saying that's not the only way for us to heal and move forward and we can create a lot more context from our own understanding from the inside out instead of relying on outside perceptions of our behaviors and them attributing meaning to it which means pathology when inside we're having maybe a rich experience of some kind that isn't necessarily pathology I feel like the visionary experience is related to tryptamines which is something from the pineal gland from what I understand I feel that that experience the tryptamine experience is ecstatic but it's also isolating one is in ecstasy by oneself whereas oxytocin is say the next level down where we are bonded with one another we're collaborating we're co-creating and I feel the oxytocin consciousness is very important I also feel the oxytocin is what would create these relational neural networks of being feeling connected and wanted to people feeling like we belong if we feel like we belong were less likely to disconnect and dissociate or need these ecstatic experiences or need to self-medicate so someone might take ecstasy the pill to feel ecstatic whereas if we all felt bonded and like we're learning and creating together we wouldn't necessarily crave experiences of ecstasy ecstasy is almost like wanting to be alone even more wanting to isolate even more wanting to get away from what it is that we have created we've created a dopamine dominant society and and I think we all are craving this oxytocin because the oxytocin is actually what creates our neural networks and imagine if we created a society based on oxytocin on what gives us oxytocin it would be a completely different world probably designed by women i invite you to create your own visionary videos and unfold the context of your own experience and do so for your own self and to have all that context unfolded onto video if more and more people create this context it'll be more difficult for it to be dismissed and we don't even need to create it for being accepted from other bits of society because together if we co-create something different there'll be a place where people that don't understand and it's about creating dialogue not debate we're not going to be debating each other's internally subjective experiences or how we choose to speak about it what is important is that a simple label might actually have hours of meaning within it I also realized in my journey that I was living in a place where i was accepted and cared about and it was a safe space and there was no pressure to recover or get better or talk about things or anything I didn't want to do yet in that space I flourished the most and I realized there's no pressure there and the only kind of pressure that was there was the gentle pressure of love and caring when caring people are just there and touch your heart there's a pressure a touch of that love energy that's not trying to do anything but just be there and you feel it you feel if somebody is pressuring you and you feel if somebody's trying to coerce you and I wonder if it's partly true that by trying to pressure somebody it actually reinforces their ego in a way it's like saying there's somebody there how can I harvest how the universe repattern me i don't know if i can not harvest it I think the harvesting is just in living it out even me sitting here talking about this is seated from that initial experience five and a half years ago it was sort of like a rebirth in a way completely altered the course of my life also simon Sinek talks about find your why in manic consciousness the why finds you the Y becomes obvious we're all one consciousness I also feel like manic consciousness would not be necessary if we all took action naturally if we were brought up in oxytocin consciousness and acting not based on our ego minds but I don't think autism would be necessary either feel like consciousness is what creates epigenetic changes because consciousness is more fundamental than matter and it's also to do with the EPI mimetics and the evolution of consciousness different memes come out of the state of mania no wonder they want people to shut up we've been programmed into a disease of consistency and manic consciousness comes in and opens that up it increases the degrees of freedom which may still include the ego so one consciousness has been widened so much they can still act as a narrow band of the ego but they have all these other degrees of freedom and it makes them seem strange because they never used to act that way I feel like once a person connects with manic consciousness they're officially employed by the universe they're employed by humanity to heal this insanity the ego was actually alien to humanity because humanity is the collective humanity's collective consciousness and for some reason there was this thing that was created that made somebody think that they were separate from everybody else and as soon as they did that they wanted to accumulate stuff and control when it's all one thing so the original separation was really this division in consciousness so the principles that we have as children are go play outside that's something that we do in manic consciousness to as well as sticks and stones we see that words can't hurt us and we actually play with words I'm going to create our of words and we can use words to create our life also get off the couch and stop watching TV TV is boring compared to the universe this is just this is just new means I'm an epi Mehmet ition meme addition I'm an epi mima titian memes from somewhere else memes from mania manic memes autistic kids are immune to the non special messages of society yet they can still learn renaming mental health and mental health is a misnomer because mental cannot be healthy when we're undergoing the process of mentation we're abstracting about reality we're not in reality so we can't act adequately in reality and that creates this distortion which becomes the ego which is out of proportion these are just sounds sounds that may or may not be made sense of so I perceive something ey e perceive and then I harvest it and I say it I turn a perception of seeing something holistically into words and sounds which are just vibrations remember that song from childhood the more we get together the happier we'll be we're prisoners of sounds and images in her mind's and that prevents clear perception if we can see clearly we can act clearly and there is no problem I was renamed by the universe so I'm speaking the memes the universe energy gave me channeled through me they're nothing to do with me if I never speak about it it remains non-physical and I'm making it physical by speaking about it I'm making videos maybe this is like training for surfers of the universe hoping that one day everyone will be able to surf because the tsunami is coming there's something about the field of gravity I haven't figured it out but I realized that people who do floating to feel weightlessness and sensory deprivation sometimes go into altered states of consciousness something about when we're weightless we don't have the ego so much maybe because when we're not in the body anymore we're again weightless and we're not an ego or more the collective human consciousness not sure how it works you haven't figured out this gravity thing entirely yet it's almost like mania is sensory deprivation from the ego not sensing that image of oneself it could be the image of oneself that experiences gravity because that is the collective image of oneself that we have within is what changes our physiology structure away from alignment with gravity so if we were in perfect alignment with gravity all the time in our structure we wouldn't necessarily feel gravity because it would be on our bones the weight would be on our bones not carried in the tension and our muscles trying to hold our physical structure up so in that way we could almost experience weightlessness but over time and just going through the field of gravity it's like we collect gravity in our muscles by these different experiences and injuries that we have over time so in a way our bodies are like chronological time they're like we each have say a hundred years so it's almost like we're a hundred year clock each of us we could sit here and let the clock tick away or actually I thought of the clock analogy of how if you move a clock through time close to the speed of light it doesn't really change time or something I'm not sure of the relativity experiment but basically I realized in a way that our light body maybe travels at the speed of light because it's made of light so and doctor there's a doctor guy who has a lecture called the primacy of consciousness Cameron Bure his name right now but he talks about how from lights perspective nothing is happening so I do feel like we have this adjacent light body that's traveling at the speed of light but is also stationary relative to light and that we physically are moving through time as our body like the hand ticking on the clock it's like each instance of time it's like we tick or physical structure ticks and reference to our light body structure that doesn't really tick but its shadows us and it's I feel like it's our pristine self in a way it's what we are without the accumulated gravity and experience of reality and and images and sound so it's something to do with images sounds and gravity and and the light body is sort of clean from that what I'm saying each time it ticks ticks ticks we get older and we have like say a hundred tix which is a hundred years or however many days but that sort of all we have but not only are we that hand on the clock that's going we're actually affecting the collective structure so perhaps if we're not in alignment with our light body self we have that option we have that free will to go off track of our light body self over time but we can always be snap back into our light body self I think it's like a shedding of the skin in a way each time that happens it's like molting and we go back to our light body self which is our pristine trajectory of our adult child self that is unharmed and then when we go into Maddock consciousness we we step into that or we're sort of translated into that and we feel free but what I'm saying is there's something to do with gravity and light and our own experience and like we are this physical structure we appear as that but we're not really just that it's almost like we're here is that to celebrate being that as for the time that we are that however many years and we take it really seriously and that's part of the disease because kids are not born serious that's the thing I think is that with these new gestures and the manic consciousness energy these new gestures they almost act as role things so you can go get roughed and they'll work on your they'll work on your myofascial and get your muscles into order and do that through physical touch or you can repattern how you use your body you can work on your posture you can repattern how you use your body in mania as well as embodied mania after harvesting mania and that is going to repattern our physical structure closer to our light body version of ourselves and so we're going to feel ourselves less we're going to be if I'm sitting in a certain way and I'm in pain because of that way I'm sitting I'm going to have ego thoughts about my pain and I'm going to be thinking about myself if I'm not in pain I'm not going to be thinking about myself so much and the ego self is an image version of our self that is in psychological pain so between body pain and psychological pain that's creating this like gravity effect and it's perpetuating that so it's important to be in alignment with the field of gravity as well and I think the manic energy puts us back into alignment with that so we're a lighter version of ourselves so we're not so dense and the density could actually be the accumulated stress and strain you know if I take offense to something it's going to be stored in my physiology i'm going to hunch over ever so slightly even if it's a fraction of a degree it's going to affect me and it's going to change me and that's the thing with going into manic consciousness one is free again and sort of immune to those hurts and not necessarily because one's thinking oh I'm not feeling that anymore but just because once so joyful once so joyous once so happy to be alive and ones just sharing that energy openly with other people so part of embody mania is just to go back to that and not be thinking oh I need to heal my pain but just go back to sticks and stones I have bipolar whatever I am bipolar sticks and friggin stones man if you want to say I'm bipolar or somebody wants to say i'll say yeah i am made of light because light is polar i also thought about how in an evolutionary sense back when we're hunter-gatherers we would have really had to use our peripheral vision we would practically had eyes on the back of our heads in terms of our heightened awareness of our surroundings and now over time and with technology we've actually been narrowed into looking at a screen a small screen and that's where most of our focus goes and we're also focused on the mind screen of our own ego psychodrama and when we're doing that we're not focused on the outside image so i drew a picture now we're here and then there's the eye and it's seeing the person out there but then we're seeing it through the old ego image thing so we're not really seeing that person clearly i know that's a really good illustration i like to play with words because playing with words is playing with worlds and this isn't about focus it's about when the focuser is gone the one through which we focus our attention and use to categorize and clarify the opposite of ego focus and knowing is not knowing as being curious is wondering observing being in the state of awe the ego I feel is the factor that leads to mania and psychosis as well as really loud engines the heart beating in a certain pattern tells us what to make salient the more people who can embody mania the more we'll be able to surf over these memes of pathology what does it really mean to be human we connected with disel mania learning playing growing celebrating being silly being kind we know again what it means to be human doesn't take time to have a spontaneous social behavior mania shows us I'm not what I thought I was I'm not who I think I am it's not about I think therefore I am it's I think therefore I am abstracting about reality and not living in reality and in terms of ability shin I wonder which ways children labeled with autism our ability i created this thing called random d contra visions in a manic consciousness experience i had nearly two years ago which was basically putting on ankle weights and holding on to pound weights or having wrist weights on and just spinning around and kicking around and dancing around in ways that we wouldn't normally move I was thinking about how typically we lift weights in certain ways and that's a certain way of moving to contract those muscles and get stronger apparently but the random d contra visions is actually moving in a way that really stretches the spine and also create space in the body and the muscles because one has the weights on the feet and the legs and is kind of spinning around and moving in random ways so lifting weights is contrived it's a contrived way of working out getting strong whereas this other way is doing the opposite thing it's actually d contriving the body because I feel it would also open up some of the ways that we hold ourselves that are us holding back from who we really are and that's another thing about focus is society has decided what focus is and what we should be focusing on and if we're not focusing on something then we can't focus we can't pay attention I'm a program us to pay attention to XYZ and children born with autism can't pay attention to that they can't pay attention they can't be trained like Pavlov's dog
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they're almost like spent nuclear reactors so new trading ensures one can operate in this society so if I was to new trait myself all right now I'm taking nutrition vitamins as well as medication and I'm working the system now i'm thinking if i wasn't working in the system I'd have a better chance of getting off this bit of medication that I'm on maybe I wouldn't need it to numb me out then maybe stuff would come through me and I would be able to process it and move on and I could keep taking the vitamins maybe the vitamins would keep me in this perception of reality or maybe I would go up into a different perception of reality but I would be ok because I'm not working the system or maybe if I went off with vitamins I would go into that different perception and it could be that i already am in the perception but i don't really feel it because i'm taking the vitamins or i go into that different perception and I spend all my internal resources of those vitamins and then I need to replenish and that's when I sort of fall back down and it could be a vitamin thing it could be like a nutrient thing or it could just be an energetic thing it could just be that all that extra energy comes in and sort of blows out the nervous system and it needs to recuperate so it could just be a nervous system thing and not necessarily anything to do with the molecules and stop it's hard to say i'm wondering what it is but to me it seems like there could be ways to actually modulate this even if i went on say EMP which is true hopes product and it kept me quote unquote normal and say i was in a place in my life where you know i had the resources to keep myself alive and well and safe and all that and decided and I decided to go off the EMP in order to go into that consciousness on purpose and then come down and come back and take it again it might be a way to modulate sort of the gas pedal and the gears and who it is that I want to be animating this physical structure that I appeared be that's something to working in the system is like I need to be my ego self more and it's interacting in ways that people are experiencing me as this ego self and and that structure is very loose so it can easily fall apart and maybe I fall apart not because my now because I fall apart but this ego structure falls apart because it's being broken up and torn to pieces by just being in the system and working in it and I've said before that the universe is trying to animate us in a certain way why is it not sustainable to be animated in that way to be so happy almost needs to be safe space to be that happy things like clowning random acts of kindness improv those are all excuses to be that happy I was also thinking again about becoming a DJ or music producer because it would be an excuse to be really happy and attempt to celebrate with people in a way that is just celebration it's not oh I'm trying to fix you even that meditation I have by that master guy he at the end of it it's a dancing celebration and he says gather energy to live this to be this to be that celebration of life on a daily basis he wasn't saying you know just sit there and stare at wall and it was supposed to be done daily so a person goes out and about in one's daily life as that celebration and it's difficult to be that way working in the mental health system to be animated in that way takes strength and agility it's trying to restore us to our strengths and our agility it takes strength and agility to serve the universe if I wasn't on medication I probably wouldn't be able to work in the system at all and if i wasn't working in the system what would I create I'd probably be recaptured by the mental health system instead of raptured by the universe and that's one of the reasons I'm working in the system because I could again be captured by the system so I attempt to make it better but the other way is to create my own thing and to try create people taking e CPR that would be a different system it's a system more in alignment with just being a human being it seems the eagle game is ending the universe is making it end by people going into mana consciousness as well as children being born with autism and I also was thinking about how we need B vitamins and zinc as well as Omega threes those are three of the main things and I realized that the Omega symbol plus if you look at this little drying in the middle there it's a Zed it's a B and it's also an Omega symbol and if you cut it in half so bz and omega-3 and so it's like a symbol of and it's also kind of looks like a fish which is kind of omega-3 and it's also that sort of age of aquarius symbolism so sometimes i just like to make my own manic symbolism up and play with words and things just for fun it's kind of fun to transform words into something repressive into something fun like shoe mania or humanik or whatever and the symbol is also cairo so non-superimposable mirror images and there's something with chirality and this whole thing too not sure how it works but and it's a mirror and I even had the thought this morning about how my diagnosis in a way is my protection so I have certain ideas and thoughts and a million things about what's going on in myself the world what have you and now if I went into extreme distress I would be sort of saved in a way they would save me from my own experience which might be true for me but it's not necessarily true for them so they say oh it's a hallucination they explain it away in that way and that's fine because then I'm restored back to starting again and trying again and just going through whatever again whatever needs to happen and i'll be saved by oh it was just mental illness you know I might think it was some big thing going on and those don't know was just a mental illness and like okay sure I'll believe that because then I can go back to just normal functioning even though it didn't feel like that at the time and again that's called delusion and I feel there's some kind of truth to it not necessarily absolute truth but it is still something being resolved in the collective psyche it's almost like being a warrior of this inner collective unconsciousness and sort of fighting that fight it's like an inward journey and it's kind of like a war and it's like surviving war in a way war of words all these words and images that we all share within us that we're all subject to and some of us never go into that subjectivity in order to be subject to all of it and we're just subjected to our own inner subjects of thoughts and what we take to be personally our own images but we're all affected by all of them even if it's not conscious so some of us go into that and it is like a war and it is difficult to come back so what I'm saying is this whole mental illness diagnosis is like oh I was just mental illness okay that's fine until next time so I feel like it is also protection in that it's like a mediator between what it is I feel like it's going on and what it is that the medical profession chooses to call it it's almost like medical izing the universe's process and how the universe is turning us into processors of this collective unconscious because if we see it then maybe we'll try to do something about it or change our vantage point or going into that I see I'm not an ego we're all the same it's all one process and even if other people can't feel it and experience that they're still feeling it and experiencing it and even if they can't feel it and experience it they could still dip into that at any time any human being can dip into that the universe can put anyone in that even if it's the most powerful psychiatrist in the world tomorrow they could be in this collective disaster and the world is a collective disaster it's a manifestation of all the collective pass which is all the collective experience of every single thing on the planet up until this point now and we're creating based on that but if we go into that and see that we might create something else because we're seeing what is being created as a result of that but over said oh it's mental illness which is helpful because then one can just come back to this reality but I feel it's important to come back to this reality with a bit of a remembrance of that vision and that sensation of what it is underneath the surface of everything what's really going on just like in the mind and heart have a completely supposedly normal person inside there's disaster complete disaster and that's most of us that are able to keep our crap together and then there's certain people that can't keep it together and it's not necessarily that all their own stuff it's not just there's no such thing as just one's own stuff because it's all manifested from the collective pass until this point now and each of us are a living representative of that and we could be a living representative of something else I also realized that in mania when I was there the first time the universe was making me fast I couldn't keep food in my system it just went right through me and I went down to 90 pounds because there's something about people that fast a lot of times connect with this other dimension so I was also thinking that has something to do with the ketogenic diet because it's different fasting the brain is using he don't ketones and that could be part of what causes the epigenetic changes in a way back to Tom Wooten and I really do love what he does and I just want to expand on it he teaches the concept of behaving while in certain states so just because in extreme mania doesn't mean we can't behave and is very valuable so he's sort of talking about being very very energized but being able to be somewhat normal to keep other people comfortable and what I'm talking about is also when feeling neutral being manic behaving in a manic way silly spontaneous fun kind caring when neutral when not having that energy to animate us I feel it's important to utilize the body in those ways even when the state is not causing us to behave in those ways so it's sort of a reversal of it in a way can we embody that energize state even when we're not feeling energized when we don't have that reward that pleasure of that energy making us be that way and i feel that will actually create more neural networks to hold that capacity of that energy when it does come and not just waiting for the energy to come and I also was thinking about the flow concept and and Steven kotler's book of the rise of Superman and how in mania we get sort of superhuman qualities but they only seem super human because we've been programmed into mediocrity I also feel like the universe is trying to show us the rules of the game how the game of humanity actually works and it's a fun game it's game where we celebrate where we laugh where we smile where we're kind that's a lot more rewarding game than dividing ourselves based on thought and thinking and then trying to manipulate and coerce things instead of acting in natural ways that were just designed to be as human beings that that design is written over and programmed in these other mechanistic ways to turn us into machines production I also mentioned and I think the last video that bipolar is kind of like the ego taking a vacation these videos are kind of like me harvesting my mania and turning it into a garden of meaning and growing an extrapolating meaning from it instead of just thinking mania and psychosis is pathology and there's no reason to make any meaning out of it because it's just pathological and meaningless I feel that the meaning is turned into pathology and the explanation is turned into pathology because we don't make meaning out of it if we don't make meaning out of it we don't explore and try to understand it then it's going to appear as pathology because it's like a pressure cooker and I feel one of the most powerful parts of what someone can do for someone else who's going through extreme distress is just to be there to be a witness I've had experiences in the past where I've gone into an incredible state of psychosis where I asked a friend of mine to film me the whole time because I felt like that was actually making it real if it was on film and I could watch it later or if it was just being filmed it was being made real because otherwise the state was just an abstraction in my consciousness so even if I'd been by myself maybe I would have filmed myself in a way to actually show that that happened and also I felt by having a witness I was keeping myself safe because the witness wouldn't let me harm myself so I had a friend there but this way by me talking to myself on these videos I'm being a witness for myself because otherwise i would need somebody to sit here with me all the time and just listen to me talk on about this stuff but instead I'm talking to myself and then I'm editing the video so I'm listening to myself and in that way I'm being a mirror for myself and I'm not asking someone else to do that because at this time there is nobody to do that nobody has hours and hours and hours so this way i'm just making meaning for myself on video and by making it on video it's more quote unquote real than if it's just ideas within myself because the idea is within myself are being translated to me speaking on a screen and that is less abstract than the ideas within myself so it's still abstract it's still an abstraction but it's less abstract and more real and those states of mania and psychosis ER are very much abstractions but if there's nobody to talk to about it or witness it and validate it and witness it as it's okay like you're still human yeah you you turn into something that you're not normally that for better or for worse but you're still human you're still okay and I was talking on the previous video about how how cognition is actually recognition or recognition they talk about precognition as being sort of subconscious stuff and then they talk about cognition as in the prefrontal cortex and that's sort of like the jam of being human is that we have this cognition but I think think it's actually recog Nisshin its recognition we're abstracting it's the brain talking about stuff which was from the past or interpreting the present in terms of the past so just the past again it's not actually the present it's not something new so we're just recognizing things all the time and you think well that's good well if there's a billion bits of information and we're recognizing to bits all the time we're missing out on a big chunk of reality and mania and psychosis actually opens up our perceptual apparatus to show us that there's a lot more of reality that we could be perceiving and abstracting and making meaning out of so it's not necessarily the prefrontal cortex that is bad per se so swear abstracting the same old boring crap over and over again and we wonder why we're bored to tears with our lives and creating misery for other people and ourselves this morning it came to me that I make light of things I make light of mania I make mania and psychosis lighter for myself even when I think back on it I don't have this tense fear because I've made light of it I've made meaning out of it and in that way I make light of mania and I make light of my diagnosis I also had another insight into making music as in it's a different kind of sound that moves us so we're usually moved by our ego sound or at least that's what's happening in the brain but if there's music removed in a different way and do I want to keep talking about this stuff or do I want to create a different kind of sound something more fun I'm definitely going to be moving towards celebrating life and right now I'm just sort of caught in between things and waiting to see if I fall to pieces again I also thought a new campaign for psychosis does something feel fishy take fish oil I wonder if fish oil creates an immunity from psychiatry as does community I can remember if i sat on a video only together we immune against psychiatry herd immunity which is immunity to what we've heard growing up and the things we think we know about ourselves and about the things we hear about pathologizing distress and we could create the humanik Association I also realized with mania and I've talked it before it's like the reason that it's important to make it relational so the body ones mania to make it relational and by embodying it it is automatically made relational because that's how we're relating and that's how people see us and interact with us as that version of ourselves and that's mirrored to them and transferred through gesture to their mirror neurons and that changes the game well I was thinking well what's the reason for Romania even after the fall out from it is to make it relational so on a daily basis being that way to make it relational and that's kind of the reason to live in a way to share that energy to share what that energy was able to show us returned into these medical eyes and pathologize people when we're actually here to show the way not by saying necessarily this is the way but just by embodying ones mania it's possible that just by listening to this person might be like hey that's a way more helpful framework and yeah i can think of my mania and how I was and that I was pretty cool and everything and that was fun maybe I can be a little bit more that way in my daily life instead of being the self stigmatized way after inheriting a diagnosis and believing what those people are saying we can still utilize the helpful aspects of that I'm not against that whatsoever it's necessary in the way society is structured but do we have to take that to heart do we have to believe that in our heart do we have to allow that story to animate us or to crush us or to change the way we're animated from even how we were before to now a scared stigmatized isolated human being by going back to Armenia and using that and harvesting that we can get rid of the self stigma because we know we have the capacity to be exactly who we want to be and need to be we already were so work towards that whether it's because you feel the energy and its animating you that way or because you don't and if you don't if you still are able to animate yourself in that way maybe it would make it easier to get off medications at some point but because right now it's like working against the medications because the medications are animating us in adult out way completely dull doubt and that's a necessary phase for sure but can we what can we do even being on those medications for example when I was in the psych ward and I was on that medication that was really bad for me and I was starting to to hunch over and I felt worse and I purposely was extra pronounced with my posture to say no this is not going to crush me even though there's no way I can not take it because I'm in the psych ward I am going to take the pain and stand up to it and in the same way we can choose to move towards animating herself towards the unit towards the way the universe was animating us and acknowledging that the universe did that and I say the universe you can use whatever word you want or whatever conceptualization or however you choose to think about it the point is that we have more greatness within us then we're being told after the fact of being pathologized and given a medication and we almost have to do some strength training to build up the capacity to one day be like no that's not how it is i'm sorry and it seems like mad at consciousness unties us from that accumulated past and we feel free we feel free from ourselves we feel free from our egos and the collective past and it's no wonder that when we're reattaching to that that's so scary and we do reappearance our egos and weary experience a collective stuff it's almost like we're raised above the clouds and we can see the clear skies but then we're dipped back into the collective reality that we share and co-create together so it's still up to us to co-create something different and I think the book the spiritual gift of madness probably talks a lot about this i came across the line from an Alanis Morissette song says let's be ridiculous let's be outspoken let's solve the world's problems and that's from her song so peer thought that's a good summary of this so in the perception of the human collective unconsciousness is also the perception of nature and our place in the gaia sphere trees nature the earth it's not just about what humans have done to each other and what we're doing to each other but what we've done to the earth to the energy of manic consciousness changes us into something other than our ego facade our ego persona it's a disguise it's disguising us it removes the guys and it's also a disguise I actually think that mental health diagnosis can actually be thought of as a disguise because really we are a misunderstood bunch of people who have had this energy animate us in a way other than our ego self and it's that other than our ego self that's trying to communicate which is something that's not other than just the collective of humanity and it restores us to our child like adult self and it changes the spectrum of behaviors that we more often exhibit from these consistent ego behaviors these adult behaviors to more of a wide range of behaviors of an adult child and that in itself changes humanity so it's one thing for certain number of people to going to go into that manic consciousness at a time and being that way that changes the social fabric to a certain extent now imagine if people that go through that and then get pathologized still manage to get up and animate themselves in that way through free will and conscious choice which we like that option right now as human beings instead of succumbing to the medical paradigm story and that would also change the collective fabric the other thing too is a bunch of people that are pathologized get up and start being really really kind and everything people will just be like what is this like I thought these people had mental illnesses and we're like scary people people that are diagnosed or not scary people they are more kind than so-called normal people in my experience so I actually think and I might have said it before I can't remember we can actually kill them with kindness it reminds me a little bit of Gandhi in a way of how he preached non-violence even when they were being attacked with violence and in a way we can overcome this with non-violence towards the ones who are violent towards us because they don't understand us and I think they actually need our help and if we could see that they need our help and they're actually the ones that are sick then maybe we would think of ourselves differently we could have compassion for those people who choose to medical eyes human distress and behaviors medical eyes children they are turning everything into a medical problem it's like in that state we get restored to or we re with our inner child self and so we come back to this world part in a child part adult or we have this inner child dimension but we are adults so we can't get away with throwing a temper tantrum but in a way it's a powerful state because we can utilize what we feel from that inner child dimension and use that to help change the world so for example with me I feel connected to the troubles that are being put on two young children in that they go to school and they're educated and the way they're educated and they go to school a good percentage of them will end up just killing themselves and another good percentage will end up mentally ill and another percentage will end up with so many different diseases all the different disease curves go up from between say 15 and 25 that's when and so these are the these are the years that children are sort of moving into adulthood and trying to develop this ego self this ego self is developing and it's kind of killing them at the same time these states this energy is relational and it's trying to change the social fabric through the mirror neuron system of gestures of caring such a thing would be kind of entertaining if all of us who have been labeled who've been diagnosed made it a point to be extra caring and do whatever we could to give back to society and to care knowing that we're all one consciousness and it's all one thing and by caring we're actually going to make ourselves feel better we'd also not receive stigma because we'd be seen as a population of really caring heart centered people I feel that people that go through this a lot of times get connected with their empathy and that's one of the reasons why we get so crushed is because we're not just feeling our own pain but we're feeling the pain of other people but we're not aware of this because it's not something more told we have as a capacity growing up some of us are aware of it but not very many and I also feel like some of us can actually be restored to feeling this after years of not feeling it so if we act based on her heart centeredness and our empathy that we have been restored to we could actually change the social fabric in such a way that everything is a bit better for everybody and then there's less of this need to pathologize future generations so that in a way is forgiving the Society for what it is done to all of us and working to create a better society together because that's what helps all of us and it's going to help the next generation and the next generation are the ones that are going to grow up to be taking care of us when we're in our old age so anything we do to add to the value of society it helps us too because it's not a separate thing we reach a separate piece of the puzzle and we need to be able to give our piece of the puzzle that is our unique gift to give part of the trouble of humanity is that were channeled into functions whereas if we were channeled into what it is we're here to give it wouldn't feel like we're trying to do anything and it would be effortless and we would be doing what we're here to do and we wouldn't have all these neuroses we would create something totally different together and also when we get connected with this sense of empathy and we become carers in a way and we are subject to society and we feel it so strongly because we're connected to our empathy and we rely on people to care for us through this process many of these carers are actually failing the test of caring for adult children people that have been restored to their adult child like nests but they're treated as adults who should know better and punished and suppressed and so many things and so in this way I feel a lot of people who go through this type of crisis are reborn they're born again as children in a way and they're received in a non caring way with lack of love and then it's interesting to me that this generation of children so many are being born that can barely receive the supposed love of their parents and even if they can a lot of times now new parents are being tested are you going to love your child unconditionally the ones born on the autism spectrum which is to me them being protected from these thoughts structures that are what we try to give kids in their teenage years to become adults people with autism will never have that same type of ego consciousness they'll have something like it but not the same they're being born immune and people that go through mental health crisis oftentimes become immune to ego structures taking hold to the point of being able to direct the person's life and then the person is medicated with these chemical band-aids to try and put the ego back together enough that a person can function as a cog in the machine we're not machines and the ego is a machine like structure and I feel it that we who connect with this are here to co-create a society that is not based on us become a machine like functions mania is like decolonization of the mind by ego memes and psychosis is like the recolonization I feel like mania is the transient hypo front ality induced by the universe and perhaps it's trying to become hypo front ality not just transient hypo front allottee is trying to become a more permanent state and and Steven Kotler in his book the rise of Superman talks about how it's an energy exchange so when a person goes into transient hypo front allottee that energy can be used elsewhere in the brain for say extreme sports and I feel like a person can go into Trent transient hypo front ality by no longer thinking and then again that energy is used somewhere else and I don't think that energy in the prefrontal cortex is actually for higher functions I think it's just noise it's noise masquerading as higher functions it's abstracting about life instead of just living life and when the energy has shifted away from the prefrontal cortex we have the energy to live life instead of just abstracting about life talks in a previous video about how I feel like I don't think my brain doesn't abstract about reality I do have thoughts that to me appear more like insights which come out of nowhere like serendipity or Eureka and to me that's a different process than coming from past memories and I've turned off that story making process of past memories of myself I don't have any thoughts in my head about I should or I this or I am that and also i don't hear my own voice in my own head I don't see any images in my own head and I don't hear myself talking in my own head when someone else is talking so to me there's no prefrontal cortex cognition happening and I don't know if that's true I don't have like a brain scanner or anything like that I can only just say for my subjective experience yet I'm able to listen to people and respond even though my brain isn't reorganizing responses in my head without beforehand and I talked about practicing the power of now and how I did that for I'm not sure how long i'm going to say like a year or two and it stopped because I wasn't giving energy to that process maybe I started giving energy to a different process maybe that energy was transferred into the other parts of my brain and maybe there's still stuff going on in abstracting in my prefrontal cortex I just don't hear it I don't know there's a lot of different possibilities so I feel personally like I live in a state of hypo front ality and and I don't think it's that I don't think it's a special state or anything like that I remember watching a Tony Robbins video when he said I don't subscribe to not thinking I don't think it's possible and I would just say he's never tried it and it takes a little bit to to get to that state it's possible it could take one second it's possible it could take ten years I don't know it's I don't think it's really anything to do with time per se and it's always available every moment I could be in a state of abstracting about reality but the moment I realize I'm abstracting about reality i'm no longer abstracting about reality so it's it's over so it's not an accumulation it's just a moment a moment thing it's about observation and and witnessing and so it's basically just a silent mind and it doesn't mean there's never anything it just means it comes from Silence instead of from the noisy state of the ego but that being said when something like psychosis and mania happens mainly is like a lot of words and psychosis is scary words and images so I'm not immune to them that's for sure and maybe that's what I'm trying to build up is immunity to that I mean to note that we are the computation process and I sort of realized that we can be computing about our ego but our past about ourselves about this I image complex that we have or we can be computing about something else and the universe is computing too and I wonder if our brains can be in alignment with whatever the universe is computing this relates a little bit to how dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself mind could be this quantum holographic dimension of possibility and based on what we see and perceive and patterns we compute we are going to co-create that where we're going to create some other possibility our cellular non-cognitive wisdom is blocked by recorded images of our ego our cellular non-cognitive wisdom is clogged and blocked by our recorded images I feel like cortisol represents the ego because it's the division between what is and what the ego thinks should be
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so I turned back on my insight machine in my brain and I've been having a lot of insights and they might be a little bit random and disjointed but I feel like just getting some of them on video because I can't keep up in a way just keep coming and I keep they just keep channeling through me and I have no idea of their of any value I actually have this theory about myself about how when I have an idea or something that I think oh yeah i really want to bring that into my life it usually takes about two years for it to appear and I realized that about two years ago I went to some kind of Health Expo and I spoke with someone and I talked about how I wanted to create a video blog to sort of integrate stuff that from the past and whatever I thought of at the time and lo and behold about two years later I am indeed doing that and another thing too is sometimes I would buy stuff and I'd be I wouldn't use it and then two years later I think oh I need that for exactly what it is I need to do right now so I would sort of bite things two years in advance and that can work against me in certain ways because if it's something technological then some no value two years later really for the most part but actually since I got my very first iphone about six years ago I've pretty much had nearly every model of the iphone skipping a few and some of them i actually purchased because i was in that manic consciousness so I I had an iphone but I got the next one and so I had to and whatever but this is the first time that because i always think line I need the faster one or something this is the first time I'm actually really putting it to use because the 6s plus I can make the videos on and I can also edit the videos and post the video so i can do it all on this device whereas if I still had my last one which was the 5c or something then that would have been impossible so I feel like now the technology is really an extension of what it is I'm trying to create so I went into debt to get this thing and but it's been worth it at the same time because I've been able to utilize its creative potential and that was nothing that I even wrote down today but so i'll just start in on this i was thinking about stigma and i was thinking about how there's a lot of talk about people are afraid of the stigma so they don't get help and when I really think about stigma I think a person is sort of detaching from their ego or being confused or depressed basically a person's no longer being consistent and that's not the whole of it obviously but I was just thinking about how human beings have a tendency to try to be consistent above all else and the consistency in a way is the ego so over time we're trying to be consistent try to be consistent and and always tensing up to try to adjust ourselves to how we've typically been in the past and how we want to be seen and an even some of how we were the past maybe we get we start to mask that with how we want to be seen so we create this image of ourselves inside that we're trying to live up to and one of the troubles with that is that were not that image that's not who we are and often times that images in contradiction to who we are and then so if a person is going into a state where they're no longer feeling like they can be consistent because they're say for example depressed or anxious it's almost maybe depressions that one is sad because one has become so consistently far away from who one is and that can be felt as depression because there's this image we've built of ourselves and we think that's who we are and then we're depressed because we're not who we are and that image of ourselves that we think we are really sucks it's accumulated not responding as ourselves over time so it's an adjustment and so when that accumulates over time to the point where say somebody like in my case goes into psychosis now that's a person being not consistent and there's nothing one can do about it so in a way that a person is usually captured and weighing gets help because they're acting so inconsistent and so not like themselves um and to me it's sort of a process of decoupling from the ego so we're not like ourselves and we're not acting based on that ego image that we've that fake ego image that we've collected about ourself over time that we're trying to act consistently with is kind of like a pressure cooker and in psychosis I feel that kind of blows apart and then I'm no longer acting consistently with my consistent ego pattern image because it's blown apart but that wasn't me in the first place so I actually feel part of the purpose of that is to blow it apart to reorganize the self around something a bit different hopefully quite a bit different but usually people are sort of funneled into being consistently a a version of themselves that others were used to that's sort of the goal let's get getting back to that and that's nice it's one thing for sure but i think the stigma on the other side is people a lot of times they're no longer being consistent with who they thought they were and it's the who they thought they were that's the problem and it's the who they thought they were that's not them that if a person was able to realize well I'm so far away from Who I am I need some help to get towards who I am NOT I am mentally ill of course going so far away from who we neatly are as human beings is going to appear to the outside people as some kind of you know suppose adminius but I think it's kind of like Sean Blackwell says he says bipolar disorders I can't beanie disorder and and when you think about people who and their life obviously they feel like they can't be them they can't be who they really are and I feel feel they and their life based on something that they're not anyways it's it's unfortunate and it's the only way for some people feel they have to stop the pain because it's extremely painful as extremely painful to not be on the trajectory of who we were born to be and society and education and everything pushes us into such a small frame of reference for viewing ourselves that's not the entire spectrum of what it means to be a human being and it's were funneled into this meaninglessness and then if my life had meaning people wouldn't kill themselves and I don't think that it's a symptom of individual illness at all it's society's ill and to not be very distressed by it is actually more strange than a person manifesting some kind of distress so again I feel it's the consistency thing people are often going to this inconsistency and they're afraid to be seen as I'm not myself anymore when this is part of the gift in it is that we aren't our selves we've been programmed into thinking that were a certain thing in life and that's not how it is and I've been talking about the organization that I want to start or the pier social purpose business I was thinking it's going to be a disc organization but not only that I thought of a cool job title or position chief disturber or disturber in chief I don't know which one's better and i also thought in terms of the ECP are that people who became a cpr practitioners could donate their attention they're donating their attention to somebody's distress in order to witness it and I thought of how it's kind of like donating your heart while you're still alive because you're giving your hearts attention and somebody else's heart attention here and you're reviving somebody's heart while you're still alive in there alive and helping them come back to life and to choose life and living I feel like the biggest social challenges lack of kindness I don't like the word illness because I feel like it's actually empathy that makes me non-functional which is the same as vision which is seeing what's really going on out there and almost being crushed by it and it would make sense that it would be difficult for for me to go past that in a way because that would assume that I'm turning a blind eye to that so if I was able to sort of get to a higher level of success as determined by society that would be maybe ignoring what's happening and also that would assume that I'm trying to personally go above that when I don't see myself as different from that it's it's a collective consciousness that needs to be changed how can i change that collective consciousness if i decide to be successful the way society determines what success is that's not success to me i did read in a piece of literature that people that go through cancer are often described as like brave or strong and why aren't people with mental illness described like that and i also realized that people with mental illness are actually given a type of chemotherapy its chemical brain band-aids I also realized that there's a few phrases we use as children that are actually quite helpful with mental health stuff and that is the principle of sticks and stones sticks and stones may break my bones but labels will never hurt me and I feel like it's very important for people that go through distress to get reconnected with their dreams talents and their heart and it's important to find out well what makes you unique and special versus how can we fit you back into the box of society people in distress often have become extremely sensitive they're in distress so they're resonating in that way so everything around them seems salient as distress and it probably is they're seeing that level of distress and I also thought about how I can make a sheet called lived experience tips and again it's not lived experience with mental illness lived experience with a diagnosis I one of the tips would be the best training sheet which is being with extreme states another is talking about fish oil and how it's beneficial in helping a person stay out of psychosis as well as the invisibility a podcast and how talks about the three traits of family members that are actually detrimental and caused rehospitalization I feel like lived experience lens could be an important way to frame it instead of say trauma-informed and the lived experience lens helps with the whole we don't know what we don't know there's certain things in the system that they're not aware of that they're doing and I actually realized today that I'm not really super passionate about changing this system because this system is like a big dinosaur I even drew the dinosaur you want to see that's that's my dinosaur and it's not gonna change and it's very slow and strong and powerful and it would probably take something from outer space to knock it into extinction actually I want to knock it into extinction from inner space from unfolding what is coming through me and being created by my daily life and I feel like part of the tip to four families would be it's really important to allow your loved one to be who they are and who they want to be and actually facilitate that even if it's something that seems ridiculous like I want to be an astronaut or something and thinking you're never going to be an astronaut you're going to waste your time and money trying to become one it's important to facilitate moving towards what it is they want not oh they were on the path to becoming a doctor or an engineer and now oh that's so sad they're going to miss out on that boring job for the rest of their life it's important to say you can be you and this is the most important time to see that because otherwise they could end up dead it's either them as they are here to be or possibly dead and i want to start the lived experience association and that's for people to give feedback what do i need to do to create meaning i hope i'm doing that with these videos being diagnosed is actually a symptom of a very sick society a distressed society's creating distressed citizens and the fact that the number one cause of death for teens is suicide is really saying something they're not all mentally ill they would rather be dead than live the life that adults are trying to give them I also realized that science is the police of the mystical so when people get in touch with that inner mystical dimension of themselves they're pathologized by this the science paradigm by the medical paradigm when it has nothing to do with that and just reminded me of how that's been going on for years and even if there was no science before it was religion doing that so people that are outside of the line of acceptable behavior and normality are seen as aliens kind of and this again are this is the people that aren't consistent so can we be consistently inconsistent or intentionally inconsistent and I don't think we have to be inconsistent in ways that are unhelpful I think we can be inconsistent in that we can be more kind for example or more playful or more silly kids are inconsistent and we train them into consistency if they happen to not like the line of consistency they've been funneled into they end their life and because there is infinite degrees of freedom of who they can become we're funneling them into something that is so meaningless and I think that's going to that's be even more apparent to them now with say access to the internet there are so many more degrees of freedom in reality and be funneled into such a narrow band is even more obviously disheartening so special messages wellness see with your heart surf the universe surf the universe and when you surf the universe the ego disappears and then that just means that the surfer and the universe are one I was also thinking about how I think of myself as a Ferrari I think of my transition to manic consciousness as sort of like all of a sudden being given a high-performance car that is standard transmission and I don't know how to drive standard so if I was put in this car and I put in regular fuel because that's what I put in my old car it's not going to run very well and I'm not going to know how to drive standard so I'm it's going to look like I'm completely non-functional in this vehicle when really it takes practice so I feel like decoupling from the ego is like going from driving automatic to driving standard the ego is like our automatic pilot it's just talking on and saying the same old thing all the time then if we're in standard we often realize we have to pay attention we have to start learning and we have to start practicing and we have to work at it and learn how to use this thing so we've turned our body into this automatic pilot machine when really it can do a lot more than get up in the morning brush our teeth shower us drive us to work it can do a heck of a lot more and so again that manic consciousness energy blows apart the ego and puts us in manual transmission mode where we see we can actually control this thing in a lot of different ways and we can actually use it to create and be creative and learn so it's actually putting us in the creative state and that's the thing too if we all of a sudden had a Ferrari we would want to learn how to use it so well so we can go for very leisurely drive so we can go and see beautiful scenery same with our body we would just navigate in a very narrow sphere of reality we would want to go out and see beauty and we'd have energy to do that and we'd have the power to do that and we'd want to go drive around and show off our beautiful car the ego wants us to go from A to B in the most efficient way if we had our Ferrari we would go from A to B perhaps but we would go in a more creative way we would go in a more scenic way we would go in a more playful way and in Ferrari wants to go for more meaningful drives and go with the music up so it wants to celebrate it wants to use all of its features all of its capacities all of its possibilities another gap that is not addressed in the system at all is tapering strategies for people who want to taper off medication and special messages wellness is about disorganized wellness so I'm interested in addressing gaps in the system in the community in a disorganized way even with things like random acts of kindness clowning improv these all increase the degrees of freedom and I also thought of life coaching as peer support I'm not really that interested in supporting someone through their illness as much as supporting and coaching someone to really step into their best self and to thrive because by doing that the rest of it could naturally fall away I also thought I work for funny not money I also thought about how asking people in the system if they have kids and if they do would they feel completely safe with their kids going through the system as it is today and I also realize these videos are kind of like thinking out loud and I was also wondering if saying harvest your special messages would be a little bit more broad than harvester mania because not everybody goes into mania but people still maybe get special messages or have extraordinary experiences and it could also be a dialogue about special messages just like people might have a dialogue about dreams and I also feel that special messages can be debilitating and ability they debilitate aspects maybe things in society we're supposed to not really participate with as much anymore and they ability parts of us that we are they are capacity for empathy and understanding and laughter and play and silliness and all those things like with empathy it doesn't really get you anywhere it kind of crushes you it's not really functional it's not really valuable in that way or it's not really successful yet it is successful to be able to really feel somebody else if we could all do this a little more we would create a different world I also think of these altered states as inner space travel so much talk about going to outer space when we don't even know how to properly go to inner space and when we're in inner space we sort of look like sleepwalkers we look like we're non-functional the person could be asleep and they're awake and they're sleepwalking I feel like people in these altered states are often awake Walker's they're awake to the inner dimension there a week to that empathy there are weak to the collective humanity that we all share inside and then they're walking amongst us among this mechanical reality that we've created and it makes it seem like these people are not but they're actually functioning in a different way and it could be that their function is to actually see things that aren't working and make those works will make those changes and also we need something else to participate with a person that goes through this experience doesn't have anywhere to channel that energy or any context of a reality in which a person can appear to function in so I don't agree with funneling someone back to being a cog in the machine I feel like there's got to be a place for people to start to use their creative capacities for co-creating the world in a playful way not in a way that's like oh I'm going to change XY and Z and here's the plan it's more like let's just see what we can do so it's a place for co-creative celebrators mania definitely connects one with one's inner celebration one celebratory body that's why I don't really feel like goals or a good idea it's more harvesting meaning from the messages and and moving based on that on meaning not um goals and plans and the special messages they are disorienting but they reorient us to a different reality to a different dimension to the inner human dimension they make our eyes turn in and we can see that dimension we can feel it and that's the empathy and that's the mirror neurons when we're looking at that dimension and with that dimension we see that we're all one and that's why we can feel things so strongly is we just we see that we see the pattern we are that pattern so we're not actually I am me and that person over there is them we are that relationship that arises in the moment and and that relationship might be one of feeling empathetic for someone else's suffering and we're that we're that relationship we're not me eagle so there's no separation we are what arises in the moment and if it's something kind of painful that has nothing to do with oneself then it's the collective it's it's something else trying to move us or communicate with us and that's the real communication of this communication of our own voice in our own head going on about stuff I also think that special messages wellness will deliver a course in magical there's a book of course in miracles this is a course in magical I feel mania as a message from the universe which is we are the universe where one with the universe were an integral part of the universe we are the message and the messenger I also realize that flow is effortless and that we don't know how to be effortless so people that train to be surfers train a lot of hours to make that activity effortless and effortless in such a way that the one we think makes an effort which is the ego is not there anymore video thinks it needs to think in order for things to happen but things happen regardless of if we think about it or not and usually what we're thinking about has nothing to do with what we're doing right now so that thinking is the thing that's making the effort but it's an illusion because it's making things feel like an effort because it's actually usually thinking about something that isn't happening now which has to feel like effort because it's not something that is now so it feels like it's not in control so it has to make some kind of effort for one to be in control when it's really ones just trying to be in control of the thinking which has nothing to do with the actual physical making an effort to do something which is a happening and so it's just that thing going on that is the effort and if that thing would be quiet there would be no concept of effort it's mistaken cause that's mistaking this thing happening in our head for causing anything just because it's always chattering on needs to be chattering off chattering off flow on heart on it's another movement i want to start is hard on hard on yes heart on because most of society is actually paternalistic and it's sort of driven by masculine principles which is like a big hard-on and and that is the driver of violence and war and and violence against women and so many atrocities in humanity or caused by just men thinking with their heart on not their heart on so hard on for Humanity come on guys I was also thinking more about word transformations and how the word I blocks seeing which is kind of ironic oh I ronica because if you change it to I a ye that is our organ of seeing and so I would like to imagine when I say I I really mean ey e as in vision or seeing and it could even be eyes I I which is kind of a illustration that we have two eyes and it could also be I and I which is sort of like implying relationship I feel if you aren't distressed by what you see in society and something's wrong with you and the state is non-personal so a lot of the distress that happens in the state of decoupling from the ego is personal and some of its non-personal most of its non-personal and it takes a bit to practice navigating through that and but it's important to get the message get involved and participate and also special messages wellness is a for-profit business PR 0 ph ET profit because special messages are prophetic in that they prophesize and point you towards your greatness the egos pointing you towards mechanical pneus and these messages which could just be intuitions or gut feelings they get any they could be anything from the smallest intuition or a weird déjà vu to seeing an alien right in front of you that you can actually physically touch so it's there's all different levels and it's all sort of symbolic and it's what we choose to make of it I feel like this is manic prophecy there is a beautiful world and it's right here and it's right now and it's within us and I wonder sort of like the movie the happening when those flowers those plants started putting that stuff in the air and people were dropping dead will there be some kind of energy to cause the epigenetic changes to make us orient ourselves in a way that we can see that world and act based on that world which is a world of love and I feel like that's kind of what happens manias that we it reorients r us to that and I wrote Q man I see so I see your human dimensions because manic is man I see and whom hue is for color so it's like a spectrum it's those degrees of freedom it's those infinite possibilities and when our eyes turned inward we can see those human dimensions and I wonder what the epigenetic changes are towards seeing with our peripheral vision and not focusing not focusing through the ego mind it's ignoring the prefrontal cortex and not focusing or laser light of attention on the interference patterns that are happening in that part of our brain and peripheral vision is definitely more relaxed it would have to relax our eyes and our vision and I've seen people as their most beautiful self I've seen people change before my eyes and and I read an article on true hopes blog and they talk about nutrient theory of mental illness and they talked about how line is Pauling in the 60s speculated that there is a genetically that some people have a genetic basis for needing more vitamins and minerals and others do and that's why some people develop mental illness so they're not meeting these extra requirements of nutrients and i feel that a person could say for example take all those extra nutrients and not develop a so-called mental illness which would keep them in the band of society or they could develop this mental illness and have their vision change in such a way that they see the needs for changes in society what I'm trying to get at is that I feel supposin mental illness in some cases is just epigenetic changes towards seeing and experiencing reality in a different way and this is in order for reality reality to be created in a different way because we're the ones that create our human reality in terms of the structures of society and the way we interact and the rules of the game so trying to change the rules the game just by taking vitamins to have nutrition to keep that at bay I think is also missing the point it's important for people to stay alive for sure but that vision part is necessary so right now I do take vitamins and I do take medication and if I went off of them I'd be seeing a different world and acting and reacting in a different way that would not be safe for me to be with like in this society what I'm saying is a little bit of that I feel is necessary for me to actually see what it is that I want to move towards and co-create not just staying a functional cog in this society so right now I take medications I take vitamins I'm able to manage and work in the system and things if I wasn't taking them I'd be like I can't work in this system this is crap so it keeps me somewhat numb and I feel like the whole article is a little backwards because it's saying people are genetically needing more nutrients I think there's genetic changes happening to change a person towards a different way of being so it could be almost the epigenetics related to the epi memetics because a person going to see different thing things and create different meaning based on what they're seeing in that other way of being so by having different genetics say it could be that people need those nutrients to stay in this reality or it could be that their genetics have changed for them to create a different reality by seeing a different reality and a person can choose to take vitamin C keep them in this reality or or medications and that's the part what I'm talking about what's harvest Romanian harvesters special messages it's fine to come back take the nutrients take the medication whatever you need to stay alive but still create based on the vision that we saw because we were given that glimpse and it would be silly to not take anything to keep a person somewhat functional because then those people usually probably end up homeless or something because they're not taking any kind of treatment their self medicating to actually stay in that visionary beautiful reality which is wonderful but it takes its toll in the body which makes a person even more non-functional and marginalized so it's learning how to walk with both worlds one the world of the mind and one the world of the heart in a way so I'm still attempting to allow my heart to inform my reality that i am in on a daily basis as my ego self and that's I understand that's a false construct and it's a necessary construct to keep me functioning because if it wasn't there I would probably get very confused and then I would appear as mentally ill when really it's just my ego taking a vacation in order for me to see things like the fact of homelessness or violence against women you
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I feel like the allostatic load of trauma dips us into the trauma field of reality it allows us to feel that and resonate with it and they talked about how an open dialogue every perception in the room matters and and he was talking about breathing and the mantra and how it's helpful for people and I agree and at the same time it's important to have another way of living for somebody so they don't just keep co-creating the same reality which is the traumatic world that we all live in so it's amazing to decrease one's allostatic load so one can again function but if it's a function that still Co creates the trauma of society then the purpose of the trauma the lesson of it the value of it the gift in it is not received and you talked about how trauma impacts the autonomic nervous system people that are traumatized they have a faster heart rate and it messes up the endocrine system as well and I was talking about in other videos how a faster heartbeat is like fear and so if the heart is beating in fear one is going to be more aware things that are fearful will be more salient and fear will be projected on things that are normally salient as something other than fear so that's the important of getting the allostatic load down of not having stress of not having cortisol cortisol attacks the hippocampus and then we can't sort out the information coming in and then we lose the sense of ecphoric sensation and we feel scared all the time so that's where fish oil comes in as well I read in this document about the stages of psychosis and how people in the early stages of psychosis their first episode should just be given fish oil and other interventions but it's not until like stage 2 or 3 that medication is even considered and it at every stage it says the same above interventions plus meaning fish oil still fish oil fish oil and this is like a document for psychiatrists yet I was never told to take fish oil and so I'm going to give that to my doctor and say why aren't they even fish oil as a first line of defense against this before antipsychotics why isn't fish oil giving up given out in the psych ward I've made a few items on a list for things that would actually be very easy to implement that might help a lot and one thing they touched on as well is that an adolescent that goes into a distressed state is often resonating with this state of distress of the entire family unit and and so this is kind of obvious and this is also one of the reasons why they often use open dialogue in in Finland for first break psychosis because it's seen as something that's in the social fabric of a person but it's not the person it's not personal and so I was thinking about even me or whoever it's not even just the family unit but that even extends into society so person that manifests say psychosis is manifesting collective distress of the family unit and society because for example if there's stress in the family unit like the father is really angry and stressed all the time and say they have a job out in society that makes them angry and stressed well that extends to society so now the way society is structured has affected the dad which is added to the collective stress of the family unit which is the allostatic load which then man and adolescent and that's just that's not the only stress there's other stressors to the stressor of the adolescent being in society in say the education system so I don't think it's just a family unit the fact that a person has a family makes it seem like oh this is the person that's manifesting it within the family unit and it's partly the family because if a person's stressed and distressed and they're not able to talk with their family or they don't have a good relationship but I don't think it's the family unit that causes it it's just one person manifesting the collective distress which means the person's distressed because everyone else is distressed and they're also personally distressed because of their distress in the distress of the structure of their life and society as well as the life in society of every family member in the unit so if everybody in the family was super happy and everything with their life and the design of their life then maybe the person wouldn't manifest that distress they could still have personal distress that would manifest it but even if it's personal distress because say somebody was bullied again that's the structure of society that's and the way that we've trained people to be so the fact that a person manifests that distress because of that is it's not them again so it's a collective thing that manifests in certain individuals just like the spiritual thing manifests in certain individuals it doesn't mean that this person is more spiritual than other people it just means that person has manifested that spiritual dimension sort of coming through them but there it's a dimension that any human being has access to just like any human being has access to being distressed or any human being has access to being in so called psychosis it's not a personal thing so even with the whole thing of open dialogue to support the family to help the person integrate back in the family it doesn't address the larger societal issues of why we created such as sake reality there was a quote I read by somebody that said if you want to solve the drug problem make reality not suck and that's kind of true if reality didn't suck people wouldn't do drugs to escape reality so there's so many levels to it beyond that and that's why I feel like if a person has open dialogue and they're able to integrate back into their family that's great but it doesn't address maybe the societal issues it does subtly because at least it gives a voice to somebody speaking and sharing and they're able to speak openly and that is just a change to begin with and to have a whole family unit be able to operate in that way that would definitely change things for sure so every little bit matters I guess my brain usually just goes to the beyond of everything they said the person is energetically showing the pain of the whole unit and I thought a person can be energetically showing the pain of the whole entire planet the whole world not even just humanity but the whole the whole earth Gaia all of it and they talk about not being medicated right away so a person can actually look at the root cause of the issue so if somebody's feeling distressed and then they're medicated right away there's no way to actually talk about the issue you still could but it's not as powerful as getting at the root of the issue well persons still in the distress and not numbed away from it and they talked about how the one person in crisis is the sensitive empath in the group and I think also now that I'm thinking about it if one person's manifesting the distress that they're like channeling the distress in a way they're concentrating it and they can see it from all the different points around them whether it's their family in society and they're able to put a voice to that but they're not listen to its seen as a personal problem when really the ego is the person it's the persona and that's the thing that blocks this extra energy from coming in and the energy can illuminate beautiful things and it can also illuminate stressful things it doesn't have the discernment it doesn't have that blocking mechanism the blocking mechanism is the ego and when that's gone it's just one process the the good is the bad there's no there's no demarcation between good and bad it's just perception and perception sees things without judging it and it sees the energy of it and it feels the energy of it and then we feel that and we're able to be either in distress or in ecstasy and now the value in that is that seeing things as they are and not as the ego thinks they should be or in terms of the ego so in that way a person in that distress is a channel to be listened to about what needs to change and what it needs to get better so this person is able to see that one is an empath one can feel that and it's taken on as or seen as a personal problem really these people that feel these things are the solution they're telling us what needs to be fixed without having to wait for 10 years for the scientific papers to be published if you really want to do science take an empath plug them down in a situation and tell them to let you know what they are sensing it's like we create all these problems and then we cradle the science to try and figure out the problems that we created and then we think that that's science and he also mentioned that we become victims of our systems that's sad and the system funnels us into a perspective that is not accurate and so I'd like to create a reverse funnel a funnel that's actually fun funneling towards fun he also mentioned that organizations get in the way I agree with that too I want this business to be a dis organization which just means organizing in a way that's different than the organization of society so it's something that helps to disorganize society and disk the organizations in that it's restoring us to our learning and our creativity and our capacity so we don't need organizations to create these big hoop law structures around trying to fix us he also said stress is alien and I agree with that in a way because stress is mostly caused by thoughts and thoughts are aliens thoughts are viruses thoughts are mind viruses and I know he wasn't meaning it in that way but thoughts are indeed viruses and they've taken over our brain and even if we're an extreme terror we might think something about aliens and then we might actually project seeing aliens because we're so terrified so the mind really does produce what it is that we're resonating with and we can actually project it outside of us and see it people who so-called hallucinate all the time if everybody was hallucinating in that way at the same time it would actually be true so it's a good thing we don't all believe in aliens at the same time otherwise they would be here because we would see and then that's what would happen and that's the thing too is the healing there needs to be some kind of healing from this system but it's also healing for what and I think that the altruism deals with the for what so I might have talked about before or I had a realization a couple years ago I was being really healthy i was eating super healthy doing all this healthy stuff all the time healthy healthy healthy healthy healthy and I realized what am I being healthy for am I being healthy to be healthy and and that really struck me as something I'd never really considered before because years ago over 10 years ago ahead chronic fatigue syndrome and it took me a while to be really healthy and then feel energetic again and so I realized it's not as much about being healthy in terms of you know eating perfectly healthy and taking a lot of vitamins and even though I eat pretty healthy and I take some vitamins my whole lifestyle doesn't need to be designed on around getting vitamins and doing healthy things because I actually spent time doing rolfing and colon hydrotherapy and all these healthy things to try and get healthier healthier healthier so I was always trying to get healthier and so again that's kind of always about me and my health and so I'd rather spend some of that energy on something else like healthy for what it's great to be healthy and have lots of energy but what for what am I going to use that energy for it's not like I didn't have anything else in my life but I realized that a lot of what I was doing was around being healthy and actually I feel like right now I could be a little bit healthier um I I don't think there wasn't there was a lot of value and being that healthy because i have that i have that context i have that comparison to be like oh my health my physiology is lacking a little bit but at the same time i can also realize well i don't have to be perfect in that domain because it costs more money and takes more energy in order to create that energy so if i spend two hours day on prep and buying and making and all that stuff I have two hours left to do something else and I talked about before how I would go back to spending those two hours on health every day if I felt I needed to but you know from from experiencing mania and things like that energy doesn't have everything to do with food that energy is like the energy of meaning and learning and being creative so I feel like it's a it's also important to have that dimension in my life of learning and being creative and that gives me energy to and I feel that meaning actually creates positive physiological changes within myself that make me healthy instead of just thinking that physical things like exercise and food are what determined physical health there's actually a lot of energetic things that determine physical health like the things I mentioned so that's again in line with embodying ones mania doing all those sort of manic traits and harvesting my mania would say I don't have to be perfectly healthy actually when I was in meeting the very first time I was raw vegan and I started to disappear I went down to 90 pounds and I was eating and I would just go right through me and I I couldn't put any more physical mass on my body so I actually feel like to have a bit of toxicity in me to resonate with sort of the toxicity of society kind of resonates with keeping an ego to be too light and two healthy might not actually be that healthy for me at the moment and I feel I would change I want to change that at some point but it's not necessary right now I'm just saying that spending all that time on eating healthy to be healthy to be healthy has nothing to do with connecting to my altruism though it's not necessarily true because when I'm super healthy and vibrant people notice and they ask me what I'm doing and then I tell them and then so it actually is kind of an embodied mania in a way because people notice and then ask and then they might actually implement something in their life like I was eating super healthy and one time I gave my friend and organic apple when we were rollerblading and after that day she told me she ate an apple every day and before that she didn't and so I thought me just giving an organic apple because I had one because i was eating healthy made a change in somebody so it's a natural way and that's why i doing was talking about stuff isn't really the natural way I'm just really wanting to unfold this context for myself and talking about myself about it maybe just talking myself into a different type of lifestyle I'm putting happiness first I talked about happiness first before and and I think naturally in my first recovery and rediscovery and recreation process I just put happiness first I just what's happy I chose to be happy I didn't really have to do anything to make myself happy chose to be happy and was happy doing things like cleaning toilets and whatever I was tasked to do and in that way the meaning could actually be in the most meaningless things so that's why I feel like putting the altruism first is sort of the for what somebody can heal and then become altruistic or one can become altruistic and just being that way can actually be healing because it is actually it would create physiological changes for sure there's a quote in the happy movie that says the fastest way to be happy is to do something for someone else and I hope this is actually doing something for someone else because I really I don't have to record this I feel like I want to for some reason he talked about the importance of being content and I can see that as the hippocampus would be more intact if we're not stressed and and it's not getting attacked by whatever stress molecules and I hope actually that whatever it is I'm going to create starting next year is just really fun and happy and playful and it's almost like created by play I may be created by just being really silly like let's be ridiculous what can we create and being fun and that way it's it's self sustaining without having to coerce people to be there and they talked about how being labeled by the system makes you powerless and I was thinking about if we're able to label ourselves maybe we'll create a new system and I was thinking about in terms of the business if you come into the business well what is your position make up a label make up a name it can be conscious astronaut miracle crater and a person just made their position and their name and now whatever it is they're going to create is kind of in the context of that so they'll create the system they'll create the business based on partly on their own labels and part of it would be creating language and lingo too and it would be important to inquire which he mentioned is looking inward and I didn't really realize that inquire versus inquire because inquire is what Krishnamurti talks about a lot of times and it's looking inward and I feel like inquiry would be really important in harvesting one's mania and manic lifestyle design as well as creating the business and I feel that's really important for me because I have all these thoughts and ideas but what part do I really want to do what is my part to do I talk about how I'm not really a business person and I'm not super great with people and the part about not being great with people might be if you watch these videos the stuff I want to talk about is kind of weird it's kind of out there it's kind of nothing to do with something that was on TV yesterday I don't watch TV I don't watch any of that stuff and so it makes me kind of an alien and so when I meet up with people I don't have a common context through which to relate and so that might make it seem like I'm not the greatest with people sometimes when I do care deeply about people and I feel like I need to just go back to being a crazy person so I'm crazy enough to think that I can change the world he also mentioned something have read before that natural leaders give power back to their teammates and their colleagues and and that would be part of this business is that other people have the powder I feel there's a system of humanity different from the system's created by the ego so the inner human dimensions would create different systems that were actually in alignment with what it is to be human which is in a system at all it's a living thing it's a living system the whole world is the living system and we're living systems within that living system and we're out of whack with the living system and to me this is kind of the gap is to get humanity the living system of humanity and alignment with the living system of the world not just the systems of humanity or the system's created with the ego so there's the the person family the system the society and there's also the world the earth they also talked about how Brazilian spiritism that suppressed mediumship is the largest cause of psychological distress that makes it sound really fancy and I feel that really boils down to the fact that a person gets in touch with their intuition they can see things beyond the logic of the ego which isn't very logical it's talking about days past whereas when that weakens a person can actually see what's right in front of them and make educated guesses and hypotheses and intuitions and recognize patterns about it which is actually not that miraculous so to call it mediumship makes it sound fancy I just feel that mediumship is actually normal it's what happens when we're really in touch with what's going on right now and most of us aren't in touch with that and then we think that a person is a medium when they get into touch with that and my thing is actually that and it could be part of this business that one day people that are in touch with their intuition so-called mediums will actually help people that aren't in a way that is like klo you're lost in illusion you're you're hallucinating your ego is thinking again and you're thinking about yourself ten years ago like that's a hallucination has nothing to do with right now so I think that it's really up to us who have connected with that and who are able to integrate that to help other people who think they're normal and living in a normal world but it's not it's an egocentric world which is complete disorder and delusion and the people that are trying to help us are suppressing us and if we were able to integrate they would actually want to know what our secret was so their delusion actually depends as well as their paycheck depends on us not getting it not getting it together not getting together and starting to co-create a different world and they also talked about bearing witness it is so much suffering while mending the gap that's one of the things I struggle with and I've talked about on other videos how really have trouble supporting others in the system because I see so many things in the system that are wrong that are traumatizing and maybe I'm also sensing a person's being traumatized by it and they might not even be aware of it themselves so it bothers me because a person within the system as thinking something's wrong with me and I'm trying to support them yet I see the system element that is harming them and maybe even feeling that they're being harmed and the person doesn't know where this harm is coming from was coming from the system that is supposed to be helping and then the person is taking it on themselves that something's wrong with them and I really struggle with that and that's the thing i think there's so many congruence ease well it's not really congruent but the system says there's nothing wrong with you there's it's not your fault you have a mental illness like it's a disease it's a medical problem when I would say there's nothing wrong with you that's the system it's society there's something a little bit wrong with everyone and accumulated it's manifesting in certain people and so it's not the person's fault but not because it's some kind of medical problem it's it's everything else so they're right when they're saying there's nothing wrong with you it's not your fault just when they start to say it's your your own brain and you know maybe it could be a medical problem and that a person is sensitive the brain has you know the brain dis ease is that they become sensitive to seeing all this crap around us all that nobody else can see or not everybody can see and feel it's not just about seeing it as you start to begin to actually feel it and that is the distressing part is feeling it and a lot of it is not knowing where it's coming from well it's coming from the collective and certain people are able to numb themselves out more and more and more but it eventually accumulates in someone else so by a person numbing out it actually accumulates in someone else and not trying to say it's some like mysterious substance is just if somebody is not actually acting and moving towards resolving things that collective disorder it gets transferred somewhere else and he did talk about staying within the system to change it so i guess i will do that for a while at least I feel like it's too much compassion and he talked about cbt being changed the way behave to change the way you think and I've talked about before how this energy of mania is sort of like cbt in a way it makes you act in a different way so if you're acting all kind and then doing all these things then you're going to think in a certain way if you're acting so godlike you're going to start to think that your God if you're like not thinking about yourself and only doing things for other people so I think mania is like the cbt of the universe it animates us in a different way I think there's some trauma to falling out of the space where we feel like we're able to change the world so it's not just about healing personal trauma to be able to operate in the world of trauma but it's also about restoring oneself to feeling like one can do something about this world and you said an effort to find an answer creates a shift in consciousness so if one's trying to find the answer to solving the world's problems it's also going to create a shift in consciousness and why should we aim for anything lower than that and I also realized that that the ego is life by proxy it's not actually life the ego is like a proxy service I also wrote down that it's not personal mental illness it's human spiritual illness so we're not connected to that meaning in that spiritual dimension of ourselves and spiritual even that term can be broken down to me laughter is one of the most spiritual things and it's also that one of the most human things and the more ego we have more often the less laughter we have so I feel spiritual isn't necessarily spiritual in the sense that we tend to think about it it's spiritual in that these are just our dimensions as human beings laughter play all those things we are as children children are like the most spiritual things and they don't think their spiritual and so you wouldn't if you stay the child forever you'd never need to meditate you'd never need to sit there and breathe you would just be a human being so that's why I feel like those dimensions we are as children plus altruism are really what spirituality is all about instead of just using the word spiritual spiritual could be thought of as light or making things lighter which was like laughter and different oxytocin and bonding experiences oxytocin is the bonding hormone and when there's more of us bonded together all of our loads lighter and I talked about before how the brain is kind of like a spaceship it's moving us through space and time and when we go into this transformative process and this manic energy comes in or this other energy it changes the course it changes navigator of our brain spaceship we're somewhere else we're doing other things were animated in different ways and this energy gets our brain spaceship into trouble it gets it landed in some kind of maintenance dock and then installing other programs that get us to just sit around and feel sorry for ourselves and feel sad about ourselves and feel like other people are stigmatizing us and everything when that is true but we still need to take steps to show the world that that's not who we are that's not who we thought we were when before we were diagnosed if it was we would have walked ourselves to the clinic to a doctor to tell us that we would have known that's kind of what they're trying to train us to do is 0 and this and this oh I better go see doctor and get medicated and so I would like to talk about all the opposite stuff and have the brain spaceship again even if it's medicated into a chemical ego band-aid able to do small things to eventually be able to break away from that and even now I'm on medication and it keeps me my brain spaceship going in a certain pattern and that's useful for now but there may come a time when I want to break away from that and see what happens I also had the thought that it would be cool to learn from some elders because sure they know all this stuff they understand it and they'd be able to talk about it a lot better than I'm able to guess at and I think too that one of the things they likely have and I don't really know anything is that the connection to the earth and nature so it's one thing to try and change the structure of society through my stuff talking about embodying one's mania and all that but it's another thing to reconnect with the earth to which is super important and in my mind we are the native people to were not separate from them we're like they were here and then we were here but where did we come from apparently somewhere else on the earth and we came in here and like destroyed everything but we're really destroying ourselves it's like we came with the ego and they didn't have that and we've created this mess and we don't know how to uncreate it when the people that got trampled on are the ones that know and understand and they're labeled with a lot of mental illness stuff too so maybe that's the commonalities the the people with the mental illnesses suppose and mental illnesses see it this way doesn't matter what culture it's like the uniting of the common humanity
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even simon Sinek says find your why and I feel this whole idea of finding your why is even more important in mania I feel mania actually allows us to find and connect with our why one of my wise was people are suffering and there's homeless people out there and there shouldn't be homeless people and so and also violence against women and children and and so I didn't have to find my why it found me and that's another thing with mania as there are so many aspects to it that people are trying to search for and implement in their life by reading books and and taking workshops and then somebody that goes into mania or manic consciousness is gifted all of that but usually they fall on their face at some point and then all the gift part that is kind of far removed is forgotten about and that's why I think it's important to harvest one's mania so if somebody falls on their face gets up takes wellness recovery action plan takes bipolar and order and different courses in order to get some function back once a person gets a function back it's important to go back and harvest one's mania for the why why did I make it through that why am I here on earth why did the universe kick my ass and now I'm kind of back standing what am I going to do with the information that the universe gave me that state that experience gave me how can I harvest that to step into what I am here to do on earth my cause my why and so many of us are lacking meaning in our life and mania gives us that not only that the state of mania I actually feel is close to a flow state I feel it's actually an enhanced flow state in that a person can be in flow in daily life they don't actually have to be surfing a wave they're surfing the wave of the universe the wave of that energy and that's putting a person in flow without having to think these are the five steps to flow are these are the things i have to do know this person who has this propensity to go into this consciousness has no choice there is no choice and in that way there's focus because there's no choice so that's why i'm saying it's important to get with what it was that was the vision in that state because it's going to come back and even if a person has a sense of control over those energies it's important to be able to thrive and i feel that the most powerful way to thrive is with whatever the cause whatever the why was that you connected with in that state because that was a message that was a special message so not just about getting back in order in order to thrive it's what were the special messages and how are you going to make that relational moving forward to change the fabric of reality and that could be success that researchers are trying to figure out like how is it that someone in those states or have bipolar are successful while there's so many of these different elements that come into play throughout the process it's it changes and it reap a turns our minds and our brains and our whole bodies and it's a process that alters our process going forward so to to think how is it that a person successful you kind of have to go through it yourself in order to know otherwise you know you can just pick little bits of abstraction from one's own scientific viewpoint from observable characteristics just like somebody might think oh that person's hallucinating and they're delusional and they're this as this yet inside a person would be having the most profound experience inwardly subjectively that's repattern patterning their whole being yet to the outside looking in it just looks like a bunch of delusion so again a person even observing the success of a person in the end of the process could say oh they did this and they did this and then they did this well that would just be abstracting from the surface that has nothing to do with the actual inward alchemy the inward Alka mania that happens it has nothing to do with that so to even spend in time abstracting about it is kind of a waste of time and I wrote this down that just as human systems create professionals full of knowledge the universe creates humans full of action so action is the opposite of knowledge so knowledge is accumulated thought and thoughts are in action they're pre cognition and if a person's studying a book and accumulating this chunk of knowledge they're sitting there not doing anything for 10 years and now since action is way more powerful than that accumulation if that person at that same point in time would have say gone into mania and been completely in a full state of action and for that same 10 years this would be a different universe just with that one person so we accumulate this knowledge which is this in action which is this collective abstraction which is just like a heap in the mind through its a lens through which we see it's like professional lens and instead of actually acting as a human being we have this ball of knowledge in the way and then with that ball of knowledge we look at say somebody that has mania and as in that state of action and think well how are they successful would only makes sense that a certain amount of people that are that full of action are able to be successful we've created a society around people who accumulate in action as knowledge as expertise to be successful and then those people look down on the people that weren't able to accumulate that heap and start like picking them apart and trying to help them because they have the ball of heap in their mind through which to understand all and actually feel that this manic energy is necessary for people to go into that state of action in order for the universe to stay in balance because it's created all these professionals and who have this knowledge who are in a sense just accumulated in action if we took children at one years of age or two years of age and SAT them in front of a book for 10 years they wouldn't learn a thing and somehow at some point we decide to be educated and stop being creative and acting life is action and mania is life energy it makes us act mania removes the piano tied to our ass and that's the thing i think mania has an evolutionary significance and that's the part that they're missing they're not thinking of the evolutionary significance of this they're not thinking of the evolution of consciousness and they don't like to study consciousness so no wonder they're not thinking about it in terms of the evolution of consciousness and also how we're not our egos that's not who we are it's like an accumulated that's the thing all these studies they missed that point and even recovery that misses the point we're not the ego it appears as some kind of illness or disorder because the ego falls apart but we're not that and the professionals are employed by thought and knowledge and an mania mannix are employed by the universe that's the thing it's the energy of the universe that is the divine currency it's the only currency it's that life energy if we don't have that we're dead and we can have access to more of it if our we're not thinking about ourselves all the time if we're thinking about ourselves then we're trying to earn money and then we don't have this energy this energy is the new currency it's actually to be made relational and change how we relate to each other in such a way that money is not as necessary thought and ego consciousness is the mental equivalent of being a couch potato it's like going on over and over circular nothing's really changing nothing's it's stagnant it's the same stuff over and over again and mania comes in and removes that couch potato syndrome and it actually moves us it gets us off the couch it gets us moving and in that state were probably more than five hundred percent more productive so this energy can change someone's life very fast obviously and it usually makes a person crash and in a way I think of the movie fight club or you just loses everything's like oh no you lost all your so what and it's kind of like that too it's like oh you lost everything oh well in mania we break off from our ego mimetic constellation and we have access to new memes with a channel of new memes we're bringing something new into existence yeah most of it gets lost again epi mimetics memes that come from somewhere else that aren't from old memes from the structure of society from marketing from TV we are the creators of this we are in a prison of the sounds of other people and somehow we internalize that and translate it into our own voice and then think that has something to do with our lives and when we break away from this ego mean thought structure we have access to more degrees of freedom of our movement and action we feel free and it's our children are this is not a mystery this is just like removing the dirt from one's classes and then it's just there you just didn't know you had dirt on your glasses and that's why you couldn't see and this is one of the differences I think there is between flow and mania I got Steven kotler's book the rise of Superman and he talked about how flow for example in surfing is narrowing of the visual field and you're so focused that you can't even hear the wave around you because you're so focused on what you're doing that's flow and you have to be that focused because if you're not you could make a mistake and then die and I feel like mania is the opposite it's not riding a wave in terms of it's not something that's purely physical so somebody's doing something that physical it makes sense that it would be a focus and block out sound anything that's not necessary and so in manias the opposite the ego gets blocked out and that's not necessary so when that's not necessary everything else is available so I don't actually think there's any sort of thing such as focus per se the one that focuses is the ego and the ego is gone so it's actually completely opening up and there's nobody there except everything so the ego is not there so everything is there so it's opposite complete opening up the visual field the senses are heightened you don't block out hearing you hear everything because you are the entire universe at this point and Alan Watts says you are what the entire universe is doing at this moment in place and time that's what you are you are what the universe is doing so you actually really get with the fact that that's true and so you are completely open to everything and can focus on anything you don't just have to focus on your foot on the board on the wave and that's it in this narrow flow field necessary or you're going to die it's the ego just died it's gone and so you have access to everything and you can focus focus on anything you can your consciousness can go on anything because it's not just on the ego linear thought process so it's similar but that's why I feel like mania is a more authentic universe flow experience because it's flowing with the entire universe that's being one with the entire energy of the entire universe instead of just being one with a surfboard and a wave which takes a lot a lot a lot of practice it doesn't take any practice to be one with the universe just light switch so i think it's sort of like an equal and opposite phenomena in a way like it's on a flow spectrum but one is like i have to perfect my body and its movement and position in space and gravity and time in order to be so focused that my ego shuts up the universe and his energy can come in and shot the ego up no problem it can give it a big spanking and it's gone so and when that happens is it's disorienting when that whole field opens up because there's no ego there through which to interpret things and when the when the ego does come in and it's fragmented way to try and interpret things it's not making any sense out of anything because the ego has nothing to do with the entire universe and it can come in an attempt to abstract on things but that isn't congruent with the entire thing and then the ego usually does come in at some point make it about itself and how it's so great and that's the equivalent of starting to focus that's the equivalent of actually starting to focus with the ego and have it come in to this field and try to identify with bits of it when it has nothing to do with it but the trouble is that if one gets opened up to that entire field it's pretty difficult to not have the ego come back in when one's going to be relating with other egos especially egos that this personal ego already knows because if I'm in a state of mania and then I see somebody that I know they're going to recognize that something's different about me and they're going to project their crap into my open field my open field of the entire universe is beautiful and they come and take a dump on it and my ego gets mad and it looks a little bit moody and then you know somebody's ill because because some ego came in took a crap on my field of beautifulness here and then that's the ego again and that starts to spiral downwards because again it has nothing to do with the ego and that's part of the mood thing too is one's ego was trying to tell the other ego this has nothing to do with me or you like shut up get out of here and so it's just a spiral and then that's usually when it is scary and it's difficult to come back and then the ego consciousness comes back and and totally annihilates that other state of being so it's once it's almost like the focus of another ego comes in with its hocus-pocus and makes a person refocus their ego guy knew I remember my first state of manic consciousness I found it difficult to be around my parents because it's like get out of here so I feel like I feel again like there's nothing you have to do to go in a manic consciousness and you could think of someone's flow experience in a way as a manic consciousness but not really because one has to do a lot in order to get there and maybe one has to do more in order to get there so again it's an ego achievement and anything that's turned into an ego achievement you know the person's going to spend ninety nine percent of their ego achievement time trying to get into that one percent of flow state where the egos gone away so one's reinforcing one's ego by trying to do something in order to get that and that's ego reward and punishment and that just reinforces the ego more you know the conditioning the all that so one doesn't actually have to do anything to go into manic consciousness and one could probably be there a larger percentage of the time you know it's difficult to be there all the time because we live within the ego thought meme field so it is important to have a sense of being in order in order to function within that field but it's also good to be able to to be able to be in manic consciousness which is not focus it's when the focuser is gone so there's there's freedom the difference between freedom and focusing so there's freedom of consciousness where one can sort of allow whatever to arise and that's the thing with mania 2 is really have a choice so you like what arises what arises just like kids don't necessarily choose they look around they just go from one thing to another like a ping-pong ball so there is no choice really and you could say to a person surfing a wave and flow has no choice but to be perfect or they're going to die but again to me it's a very narrow band and I'm not saying there's no value in those things of course that's wonderful and everything but the good news is a person doesn't have to be super athlete in order to go into super consciousness I would almost say it's easier to go into super consciousness if you're not trying to do something super the one who tries to do something super denies the fact of the supreme there's obviously something out there that knows more than my ego knows and in that open field in mania it's like we're trying to attempt to sort out what has meaning and what matters but maybe it's all the same maybe that's part of the points all the same so the ego again that's trying to classify something is better or worse and with that can I think to myself doesn't matter if I'm in a feeling state of up or down or completely terrified it's all the same I think maybe the field of gravity focuses us like if we're for subjecting our self to the field of gravity in that way definitely focused on our body but if we're in the field of actuality as we just are naturally as humans in our natural embodiment not doing anything extreme we actually need to see the hole filled with our peripheral vision before we evolved into what we are now we'd probably needed to practically see with eyes on the back of your head in order to survive the peripheral vision we can practice looking straight ahead yet seeing what's over to our extreme left or right you can see with our peripheral vision and thinking we really focus is is something I think that's a bit of a leap saying that we need to focus we are focused all the time we're focused on our ego and we think by focusing on something else that's going to solve the problem may be the trouble is focusing itself thinking that we know something thinking about something is seeing it and thinking that we know that we don't know jack squat and in those sports states there's nothing to know there not knowing in that state there's nothing to think about and then there in the flow and in the same way in mania there's not nothing to think about there's a different level of thinking that comes in for sure people get very playful with words instead of words playing in one's mind one starts to play with words one again starts to play one starts like create language and make combinations and see connections and and in that way we're playing with language instead of being poisoned by it and being just tape loops of meme viruses so I think that's part of breaking up the the mind virus programming but and it's a different process than you know some people use extreme sports to break up the mind virus processing from happening all the time they get out of it for a little percentage of the day you know good for them and the energy of mania that that consciousness is the energy of intelligence at the different intelligence we think of our ego conscious logical mind as intelligence it's not intelligence that's programming and it can appear as intelligence just like a person in my consciousness can appear as out to lunch and again we're normally in focus we're focusing on the ego and if a person is in doing some extreme sport and they're focused on what they're doing because they have to be focused in order to do it that's like thinking that focus is the important factor and we could say in our ego mind to focus on a wart and one can maybe be focused on that but there's no value in that so focusing on the ego is like focusing on a wart and then in the same way the ego focusing on it is very dissatisfying it's not life it has nothing to do with life we're just focusing on some kind of virus and that would be like going on our computer just to watch it be overtaken by a virus and not actually being used able to use the internet and all the programs and on the software and all the apps we just sit there and watch the virus chew up the computer and that's sort of the equivalent of what we're doing by thinking all the time about ourselves and ego and the past and the future and everything so again one transfers their focus from the ego consciousness to focusing on the task at hand with something like surfing and surfing is a lot more satisfying so it's like well that was a nice thing to focus on it's still focus and then and it could be less focused because a person is trained themselves so much that you know it's again it's the unconscious of just the body reacting to the task at hand and and maybe the ego goes away in that process because it's not really needed for that task at hand we assume the egos needed for our daily functioning but it's not really we can just use it when it's necessary and then put it away and so I think that it's about not so much about focus as it is as withdrawing one's attention from one's own ego mind process this is a pretty dissatisfying thing to focus on that would be like playing the same old cassette tape over and over when in this day and age now we have access to every single song anytime of the day anywhere in the world practically through itunes and youtube and whatever apps out there that would be like i'm just going to play the same old tape and we think we are that cassette tape and it has something that would be like listening to it and then thinking as something to do with right now and then by focusing on it we get pretty dissatisfied and then we'd want something else to focus on focus is a bunch of hocus pocus about being open curious wondering not knowing not focus if we're focused whatever we're focusing on is what's salient and it's usually just a bunch of ego garbage mania is an opening up and things unfold through us everything is contained within us and we're here to unfold something if we are only in our ego process we are not unfolding what it is that is within us to unfold and and when somebody gets in touch it with that often it's perceived as like special messages and it feels special and it seems otherworldly because it's not ego but really it's not otherworldly it's just intuition gut feeling you know the heart we have so much other energy we can sense and you know the heart can beat in a certain pattern and feed us messages to our consciousness that we're upset or think those are emotions yet we block it with thoughts usually we're not really in touch with what those sensations are telling us we take it personally make it into this like whammy story when it might actually be telling us to get in line with what the universe is wanting us to get in line with because maybe if we were actually in alignment with our life path and what we were meant to do here we wouldn't be so concerned about our own personal little petty desires and emotions and sad stories so I have a question for you Mannix out there and what ways is it safe to be happy to be silly it's not really that safe to be really happy out there and I was thinking about altruism and I was thinking about manic consciousness and how it animates us it animates us as adult children and one of the things that there's all these traits that children have like creativity play learning and they're not thinking I'm being creative I'm being playful I'm learning I'm laughing that's just how they are those are their natural innate responses and they get programmed out of us because we get all these more refined morals and things but I was thinking about how altruism is something they don't have like kids don't have a sense of oh I want to do good for the world because they haven't really connected with the world on that level so I feel like mania in a way restores us to our child like characteristics but adds in the dimension of altruism ads in the dimension of the awareness of others and that others are suffering and that we could help others so kids if if we just like let kids wander the earth and they were just the way they are happy and entertaining and cute and all that they would change the world because we would if they were running around like animals in a way we'd be like oh there's a kid how key food and you know we'd have them as pets and love them but no we train them into being adults and so they lose that but what I'm saying is that we're restored to that in mania yet we're added with the altruism and in that way you know we can we can we can make those spontaneous social behaviors and make it a positive social contagion make it relational to affect the world because how kids are change the world they change us with their joy and everything and then they lose that we lose that we are the children were not separate from the children and and look what we're giving to them so i feel like the universe is saying be like a child again oh well said that and be altruistic and again I've mentioned before in a different video how it's not be altruistic because you should it's because when you really connect with that energy which I believe most of us people that go through matic consciousness do we see it's all one thing and what's all one process we're all one it's not separate if we see pay know there were in pain even if we feel it we feel it if we're sensitive we don't feel it if we're not sensitive either way it has an effect on us and we just don't have an idea about that you know we think oh I develop back pain you don't necessarily know it's because somebody's suffering down the street and you would think oh that's not true you know we think of the butterfly effect or ripple effects that we don't really know what causes what and we you know make up these causes for things but there's causes beyond the causes and a lot of the causes is that we are one consciousness and then we come back to this perception of being separate again and then we suffer because it's kind of painful to go back to that afterwards even though it's painful to be kind of sensitive sometimes because you can feel the pain of other people but the benefit or the gift of feeling the pain of others is that you realize we're all one in the same and you know we probably used to sense things that way and interact with each other feeling the other person's pain and if you feel it you kind of feel like you would want to do something a little bit of something to help with that so again it's not altruism because I want to be altruistic it's because it's one thing and again to me I feel like when a person fully embodies one's mania and is operating that way one's not thinking I'm being altruistic it's a concept it's a concept from the ego vantage point saying oh that's altruistic but in my mind like a person in that consciousness and operating in that way is just that way and it's just like a humble person doesn't even know they're humble on somebody says oh you're really humble but they're like what are you talking about what's humble you know they might know the word but they don't really have they're not going around thinking I'm humbled because as soon as somebody says I'm humbled or not humble so that's the thing with the altruism it's not from a place of trying to be altruistic and so from my vantage point now of not necessarily feeling one hundred percent sensitive to others I can perhaps design that altruism into my life so you know I'll either feel sensitive to others again or I'm in alignment with how I know the universe operates underneath our awareness and and it has to operate underneath our awareness we can't be aware of every single bit of information all the time we'd be overwhelmed we would just burst so the ego mechanism is a necessary protection to some level and another thing too is it's with the helping idea the idea of helping is like not about pity it's about celebrating with people just celebrating the moment people share together and that is healing more so than pitying people so this I've talked about harvesting one's mania and you could always think of it too as harnessing one's magical powers but it's how do you harness the universe you can't harness the universe so I actually do feel that mania is like surfing the universe that energy is like a wave and it takes us over and animates us and we are the wave and we are the universe and we're surfing that wave so the wave is coming and and that's the thing with that analogy is embodying one's mania or practicing embodying one's mania is just the same as one practicing riding a wave and surfing so person's body and physique gets totally conditioned into being able to ride that wave well the wave of energy of the universe comes and one can alter one's gestures and motions and ways of being to embody that energy as it animates us that way when it comes so if we have that way already we're going to be better at writing that way than making that energy relational because as we ride that wave and relate in that way people are responding to us differently and that's creating many waves for the other person to surf by practicing it by watching you so you know children learn by watching each other so again this is another way for people to learn is by watching each other that's why we have the mirror neuron system so people are learning even though they don't even realize they're learning like a person can go down the street and say you should smile or a person can just smile all the time and that's like telling people it's okay to smile so if I wrote a book it could be called surfing the universe I might start talking about some book titles because I I might write a book I don't know but again that's like sitting around that's in action and this is sitting around in action as well but I also feel it's not in a way because it this is action i'm speaking and also i'm sharing about this so if i go out and do something in action and then I come back and I say hey I did this action well then there's all this stuff leading up to the point where I got to that point of action so it's me also working towards embodying my mania and also I write a lot and I I so by writing and making it into me speaking it I feel it's sort of upping the energy of it a bit because because speakings more powerful than just writing so I could spend five years writing and perfecting it like going and editing every little word putting out a book and maybe like two people read it or something or I can just be completely open and talk and spend many many hours doing this but again it's on video and also it's it's now so I'm putting dates on the video so it'll be like okay well this is how this unfolded and then unfolded to a certain point and whatever it just keeps unfolding and I think that by doing that my my thoughts have sort of gotten to I don't know I just feel that it's it's a way to make it relational I can make it relational in the form of a book or I can make it relational in the form of a video and I'm choosing video also because this way I can make it very easily accessible and also easily accessible in the way that some people don't like reading some people find it difficult to focus and read and this way it's just in a video and also i think the energy is different reading the words as opposed to just like the gestures and stuff I don't know if that's true but I think it's kind of like an audio biography in real time I guess it's video blogging is what they call it so video blog audio biography and it's kind of like real time but it'll be in retrospect I can imagine myself releasing them will have a job right now and I don't want to really sum of all the jobs going on and then there's another thing i want to do so you know hopefully within a year from now and i don't know if i'll keep making videos the whole time but i'm i'm i think i'm enjoying it i'm enjoying being able to take stuff that i wrote and make it a video and then maybe you kind of forget about it as opposed to thinking okay now where is this going to go in my book and collecting all this like information it's it's way too much for me i think so i'm liking the video thing and also i just feel like this is a conversation this is a dialogue with myself but also with whoever it resonates with and i invite collaboration and vision sharing and and to me this is about creating contacts to affirm that there are higher implications to this stuff and i felt that from the beginning but it's only now that I'm getting to the point where i can really talk about it and it's not i don't think it's anything mysterious it's like I think humans are just designed to collaborate and cooperate with each other and and bring out the best in each other and and really work towards what's best for for everybody I don't think we're designed the way society is conditioned us and so that's another reason why i want to share openly in the spirit of let's just share openly and talk and and make context and meaning and and see things differently and see things in a million different ways not just this way versus that way in fighting over opinions and stuff let's co-create we're meant to be creative and and learn and always learning and end and so that's again what i want to be as and the thing too is that i'm finding that my process of learning and insights it never ends and it hat never has this whole time so if i think oh this is the good point of the book or this is a good point the next day i have like 20 things I think are good points so it just gets to be a little bit too much and I'm maybe none of it's a good point and that's not the point the point again is just to share and talk and speak openly from a place where it's not about what's written in textbooks it's just about opening one's mouth and sharing and and inviting others to to start thinking again for themselves about stuff and not in order to turn on this or be mad at that that's just a waste of energy again because that energy of mania if if we were collaborating and putting our visions together would be more powerful than the need it would make it unnecessary to to so-called fight what is not working because I think that stuff would more naturally fall away I wrote down that this world is psychological torture when I get into a state of psychosis it actually feels like psychological torture but I think that we're all experiencing that from our egos yet it's sort of a low-grade torture and then our societies based on logic and rationality which is quite irrational and we think it's logical yet there's a there's an incongruent with that logic and the logic of our hearts and so we feel that but we don't even know we're feeling anymore we think it's like a personal thing when we're all feeling that and I feel that this manic consciousness is the energy that's trying to break our brain mind away from this psychological torture field and when we get free from that and then we have to come back into it it feels again like like hell because it is hell and the psychological torture has to do with the morality of society the rules were given by which we measure ourselves which have nothing to do with what it is to be a human being I think true moralities buried in our hearts and it's blocked by our minds and our egos but we still feel it and this could be a lot of the anxiety that people are feeling they like I they don't know where is coming from well it's just the collective you know the society that we've created is it's in congruent with our hearts and so we see with our hearts and then that creates anxiety and a dissonance that feeds up to our brains that creates these thoughts and you know it's all connected and I think it's the anxiety to of I can't be me and being and having the awareness that one's being trained to be a cog in the machine instead of actually being nurtured to thrive also that thing that article by Tom Wooten talks about how why do people with bipolar have certain capacities that are more and then certain ones that are less well actually think that this energy is coming in to shrink certain human capacities like the ego capacities which aren't even human capacities there there's something other it's like thought language viruses that have infected our minds and so I feel like I feel like when this energy comes that just naturally shrinks or atrophy these other supposed capacities which actually our capacities that incapacitate us as human beings they turn us into good functions good machines good robots but I don't think they make us good human beings and I feel this energy actually reconnects us with the dimensions that are the dimensions of being human beings like play laughter learning creativity energy fun all these things that were born with and then all the stuff that we're programmed with starts to atrophy but the stuff that we're born with is just there so the energy actually like wipes away the ego but it doesn't really necessarily create something that wasn't already there because those capacities were already there within us as children and then maybe they're just a bit more refined because we're adults but they just seem out of context and inappropriate because we're adults so so it's difficult in that way and and I actually talked about that in previous video before I way before I read this article about how in manic consciousness in this process there's an ability shin process we get ability tit in ways and then you know maybe there's a you know disability in certain ways that are valued by society and part of functioning in society in the machine that is society but we're not machines as as kids we were all over the place and then took a while to actually condition us into a very narrow limited structure of supposedly acceptable behaviors and then we break away from that as adults if we go into manic consciousness and then we're seemed it's like ill or something we don't see that we are just squashed into this very tiny band and then we wonder why people can't focus when we're squashing them into this tiny band the ego blocks us from spreading the memes of celebration of celebrating living playing with words of being poetic instead of being played on by words that energy is trying to create a new way of being in society so there is a balance between being in society and changing society because I feel these spontaneous social behaviors are what it going to change society create a new society we are each Society in the Jane Austen movies they often say oh I really like your society meaning your presence and whatever so each person had a society in a way so in that way if each of us are a society if we're a society animated by manic consciousness or embodying our mania and harvesting or mania and practicing or spontaneous social behaviors and our intentional acts of kindness while we're going to affect the fabric of society in that way i feel like this energy is trying to be relational it's trying to get us to relate in these ways that we behave when we're in this manic consciousness and it's trying to in that way altar society is trying to get us to celebrate is trying to get us to collaborate is trying to get us to cooperate it's trying to get us cooperate with the energy and as mannix together and that's the thing this bipolar is an advantage not just for a person is an advantage for society it could be harvested even if people are in the state it could be harvested for the good of society not just by a single person after the fact like this should be something that's seen as important and if nobody sees that then I'm going to create the company that harvests mania because it's not that personally advantageous it most often destroys a person and if there was a way if people knew that a person going through that was actually an advantage for society for everyone then maybe people would actually protect these people and nurture them through the process and also help them to harvest the meaning of it through the process and not just it's an energy that's altogether different from the ego and the ego might have one Eureka moment in ten years but this energy can create a Eureka moment every 10 seconds but there's no way to tap into that because a person isn't it's not harvested for that and it's a different level of processing that has nothing to do the person the person has been turned into like a universal quantum processor and they're processing not just for themselves but other people too that's the thing I feel is that since it's all one thing and certain people say self Medicaid or zone out or tune out or all these things all these people that are tuning out that stuff is still going on but they're tuning it out or their zoning out or their medicating it out or eating food to make it go away it's still there so that's energy is actually going to be going through someone else and in that way I feel you know could only be metaphorically speaking that know some people sort of tumble into situations that they wouldn't otherwise like imagine if everyone watching TV was going out and doing acts of kindness for people that need help then the world would be a different place right so in that way if a person's watching TV to tune out in a way they're saying I'm not going to help somebody out there and that is leaving that person in a place and there may be suffering that extra stuff the person had the luxury to tune out and the other person is not able to you know why do people hear voices that aren't their own there's that there's more going on than just I'm this separate person and I'm immune to everything going on out there it's not how it works and I feel like a lot of times to a person who was Anna mania not only brings energy into this world but also has to process some of the app to on their way back to the world to the energy level of the world so it's it's difficult freedom is at the end of the thought that you're thinking and before your next thought abstracting about life blocks the flow of energy and and you're not actually in contact with your life energy so the ego the prefrontal cortex shuts off during a flow state in say surfing it's not needed so why do we need it in daily life we don't need it in daily life when Manic consciousness comes in it wipes out the ego and we're just the wave and we actually see or we sends that so if a person riding a wave is starting to think or something that it's dangerous dangerous why don't we see it as dangerous in daily life it blocks the weight blocks us from riding the wave being one with the way we have a matrix of thought that we take to be ourselves bipolar is an advantage for Humanity so we need other human beings to support people that are going through the process
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even simon Sinek says find your why and I feel this whole idea of finding your why is even more important in mania I feel mania actually allows us to find and connect with our why one of my wise was people are suffering and there's homeless people out there and there shouldn't be homeless people and so and also violence against women and children and and so I didn't have to find my why it found me and that's another thing with mania as there are so many aspects to it that people are trying to search for and implement in their life by reading books and and taking workshops and then somebody that goes into mania or manic consciousness is gifted all of that but usually they fall on their face at some point and then all the gift part that is kind of far removed is forgotten about and that's why I think it's important to harvest one's mania so if somebody falls on their face gets up takes wellness recovery action plan takes bipolar and order and different courses in order to get some function back once a person gets a function back it's important to go back and harvest one's mania for the why why did I make it through that why am I here on earth why did the universe kick my ass and now I'm kind of back standing what am I going to do with the information that the universe gave me that state that experience gave me how can I harvest that to step into what I am here to do on earth my cause my why and so many of us are lacking meaning in our life and mania gives us that not only that the state of mania I actually feel is close to a flow state I feel it's actually an enhanced flow state in that a person can be in flow in daily life they don't actually have to be surfing a wave they're surfing the wave of the universe the wave of that energy and that's putting a person in flow without having to think these are the five steps to flow are these are the things i have to do know this person who has this propensity to go into this consciousness has no choice there is no choice and in that way there's focus because there's no choice so that's why i'm saying it's important to get with what it was that was the vision in that state because it's going to come back and even if a person has a sense of control over those energies it's important to be able to thrive and i feel that the most powerful way to thrive is with whatever the cause whatever the why was that you connected with in that state because that was a message that was a special message so not just about getting back in order in order to thrive it's what were the special messages and how are you going to make that relational moving forward to change the fabric of reality and that could be success that researchers are trying to figure out like how is it that someone in those states or have bipolar are successful while there's so many of these different elements that come into play throughout the process it's it changes and it reap a turns our minds and our brains and our whole bodies and it's a process that alters our process going forward so to to think how is it that a person successful you kind of have to go through it yourself in order to know otherwise you know you can just pick little bits of abstraction from one's own scientific viewpoint from observable characteristics just like somebody might think oh that person's hallucinating and they're delusional and they're this as this yet inside a person would be having the most profound experience inwardly subjectively that's repattern patterning their whole being yet to the outside looking in it just looks like a bunch of delusion so again a person even observing the success of a person in the end of the process could say oh they did this and they did this and then they did this well that would just be abstracting from the surface that has nothing to do with the actual inward alchemy the inward Alka mania that happens it has nothing to do with that so to even spend in time abstracting about it is kind of a waste of time and I wrote this down that just as human systems create professionals full of knowledge the universe creates humans full of action so action is the opposite of knowledge so knowledge is accumulated thought and thoughts are in action they're pre cognition and if a person's studying a book and accumulating this chunk of knowledge they're sitting there not doing anything for 10 years and now since action is way more powerful than that accumulation if that person at that same point in time would have say gone into mania and been completely in a full state of action and for that same 10 years this would be a different universe just with that one person so we accumulate this knowledge which is this in action which is this collective abstraction which is just like a heap in the mind through its a lens through which we see it's like professional lens and instead of actually acting as a human being we have this ball of knowledge in the way and then with that ball of knowledge we look at say somebody that has mania and as in that state of action and think well how are they successful would only makes sense that a certain amount of people that are that full of action are able to be successful we've created a society around people who accumulate in action as knowledge as expertise to be successful and then those people look down on the people that weren't able to accumulate that heap and start like picking them apart and trying to help them because they have the ball of heap in their mind through which to understand all and actually feel that this manic energy is necessary for people to go into that state of action in order for the universe to stay in balance because it's created all these professionals and who have this knowledge who are in a sense just accumulated in action if we took children at one years of age or two years of age and SAT them in front of a book for 10 years they wouldn't learn a thing and somehow at some point we decide to be educated and stop being creative and acting life is action and mania is life energy it makes us act mania removes the piano tied to our ass and that's the thing i think mania has an evolutionary significance and that's the part that they're missing they're not thinking of the evolutionary significance of this they're not thinking of the evolution of consciousness and they don't like to study consciousness so no wonder they're not thinking about it in terms of the evolution of consciousness and also how we're not our egos that's not who we are it's like an accumulated that's the thing all these studies they missed that point and even recovery that misses the point we're not the ego it appears as some kind of illness or disorder because the ego falls apart but we're not that and the professionals are employed by thought and knowledge and an mania mannix are employed by the universe that's the thing it's the energy of the universe that is the divine currency it's the only currency it's that life energy if we don't have that we're dead and we can have access to more of it if our we're not thinking about ourselves all the time if we're thinking about ourselves then we're trying to earn money and then we don't have this energy this energy is the new currency it's actually to be made relational and change how we relate to each other in such a way that money is not as necessary thought and ego consciousness is the mental equivalent of being a couch potato it's like going on over and over circular nothing's really changing nothing's it's stagnant it's the same stuff over and over again and mania comes in and removes that couch potato syndrome and it actually moves us it gets us off the couch it gets us moving and in that state were probably more than five hundred percent more productive so this energy can change someone's life very fast obviously and it usually makes a person crash and in a way I think of the movie fight club or you just loses everything's like oh no you lost all your so what and it's kind of like that too it's like oh you lost everything oh well in mania we break off from our ego mimetic constellation and we have access to new memes with a channel of new memes we're bringing something new into existence yeah most of it gets lost again epi mimetics memes that come from somewhere else that aren't from old memes from the structure of society from marketing from TV we are the creators of this we are in a prison of the sounds of other people and somehow we internalize that and translate it into our own voice and then think that has something to do with our lives and when we break away from this ego mean thought structure we have access to more degrees of freedom of our movement and action we feel free and it's our children are this is not a mystery this is just like removing the dirt from one's classes and then it's just there you just didn't know you had dirt on your glasses and that's why you couldn't see and this is one of the differences I think there is between flow and mania I got Steven kotler's book the rise of Superman and he talked about how flow for example in surfing is narrowing of the visual field and you're so focused that you can't even hear the wave around you because you're so focused on what you're doing that's flow and you have to be that focused because if you're not you could make a mistake and then die and I feel like mania is the opposite it's not riding a wave in terms of it's not something that's purely physical so somebody's doing something that physical it makes sense that it would be a focus and block out sound anything that's not necessary and so in manias the opposite the ego gets blocked out and that's not necessary so when that's not necessary everything else is available so I don't actually think there's any sort of thing such as focus per se the one that focuses is the ego and the ego is gone so it's actually completely opening up and there's nobody there except everything so the ego is not there so everything is there so it's opposite complete opening up the visual field the senses are heightened you don't block out hearing you hear everything because you are the entire universe at this point and Alan Watts says you are what the entire universe is doing at this moment in place and time that's what you are you are what the universe is doing so you actually really get with the fact that that's true and so you are completely open to everything and can focus on anything you don't just have to focus on your foot on the board on the wave and that's it in this narrow flow field necessary or you're going to die it's the ego just died it's gone and so you have access to everything and you can focus focus on anything you can your consciousness can go on anything because it's not just on the ego linear thought process so it's similar but that's why I feel like mania is a more authentic universe flow experience because it's flowing with the entire universe that's being one with the entire energy of the entire universe instead of just being one with a surfboard and a wave which takes a lot a lot a lot of practice it doesn't take any practice to be one with the universe just light switch so i think it's sort of like an equal and opposite phenomena in a way like it's on a flow spectrum but one is like i have to perfect my body and its movement and position in space and gravity and time in order to be so focused that my ego shuts up the universe and his energy can come in and shot the ego up no problem it can give it a big spanking and it's gone so and when that happens is it's disorienting when that whole field opens up because there's no ego there through which to interpret things and when the when the ego does come in and it's fragmented way to try and interpret things it's not making any sense out of anything because the ego has nothing to do with the entire universe and it can come in an attempt to abstract on things but that isn't congruent with the entire thing and then the ego usually does come in at some point make it about itself and how it's so great and that's the equivalent of starting to focus that's the equivalent of actually starting to focus with the ego and have it come in to this field and try to identify with bits of it when it has nothing to do with it but the trouble is that if one gets opened up to that entire field it's pretty difficult to not have the ego come back in when one's going to be relating with other egos especially egos that this personal ego already knows because if I'm in a state of mania and then I see somebody that I know they're going to recognize that something's different about me and they're going to project their crap into my open field my open field of the entire universe is beautiful and they come and take a dump on it and my ego gets mad and it looks a little bit moody and then you know somebody's ill because because some ego came in took a crap on my field of beautifulness here and then that's the ego again and that starts to spiral downwards because again it has nothing to do with the ego and that's part of the mood thing too is one's ego was trying to tell the other ego this has nothing to do with me or you like shut up get out of here and so it's just a spiral and then that's usually when it is scary and it's difficult to come back and then the ego consciousness comes back and and totally annihilates that other state of being so it's once it's almost like the focus of another ego comes in with its hocus-pocus and makes a person refocus their ego guy knew I remember my first state of manic consciousness I found it difficult to be around my parents because it's like get out of here so I feel like I feel again like there's nothing you have to do to go in a manic consciousness and you could think of someone's flow experience in a way as a manic consciousness but not really because one has to do a lot in order to get there and maybe one has to do more in order to get there so again it's an ego achievement and anything that's turned into an ego achievement you know the person's going to spend ninety nine percent of their ego achievement time trying to get into that one percent of flow state where the egos gone away so one's reinforcing one's ego by trying to do something in order to get that and that's ego reward and punishment and that just reinforces the ego more you know the conditioning the all that so one doesn't actually have to do anything to go into manic consciousness and one could probably be there a larger percentage of the time you know it's difficult to be there all the time because we live within the ego thought meme field so it is important to have a sense of being in order in order to function within that field but it's also good to be able to to be able to be in manic consciousness which is not focus it's when the focuser is gone so there's there's freedom the difference between freedom and focusing so there's freedom of consciousness where one can sort of allow whatever to arise and that's the thing with mania 2 is really have a choice so you like what arises what arises just like kids don't necessarily choose they look around they just go from one thing to another like a ping-pong ball so there is no choice really and you could say to a person surfing a wave and flow has no choice but to be perfect or they're going to die but again to me it's a very narrow band and I'm not saying there's no value in those things of course that's wonderful and everything but the good news is a person doesn't have to be super athlete in order to go into super consciousness I would almost say it's easier to go into super consciousness if you're not trying to do something super the one who tries to do something super denies the fact of the supreme there's obviously something out there that knows more than my ego knows and in that open field in mania it's like we're trying to attempt to sort out what has meaning and what matters but maybe it's all the same maybe that's part of the points all the same so the ego again that's trying to classify something is better or worse and with that can I think to myself doesn't matter if I'm in a feeling state of up or down or completely terrified it's all the same I think maybe the field of gravity focuses us like if we're for subjecting our self to the field of gravity in that way definitely focused on our body but if we're in the field of actuality as we just are naturally as humans in our natural embodiment not doing anything extreme we actually need to see the hole filled with our peripheral vision before we evolved into what we are now we'd probably needed to practically see with eyes on the back of your head in order to survive the peripheral vision we can practice looking straight ahead yet seeing what's over to our extreme left or right you can see with our peripheral vision and thinking we really focus is is something I think that's a bit of a leap saying that we need to focus we are focused all the time we're focused on our ego and we think by focusing on something else that's going to solve the problem may be the trouble is focusing itself thinking that we know something thinking about something is seeing it and thinking that we know that we don't know jack squat and in those sports states there's nothing to know there not knowing in that state there's nothing to think about and then there in the flow and in the same way in mania there's not nothing to think about there's a different level of thinking that comes in for sure people get very playful with words instead of words playing in one's mind one starts to play with words one again starts to play one starts like create language and make combinations and see connections and and in that way we're playing with language instead of being poisoned by it and being just tape loops of meme viruses so I think that's part of breaking up the the mind virus programming but and it's a different process than you know some people use extreme sports to break up the mind virus processing from happening all the time they get out of it for a little percentage of the day you know good for them and the energy of mania that that consciousness is the energy of intelligence at the different intelligence we think of our ego conscious logical mind as intelligence it's not intelligence that's programming and it can appear as intelligence just like a person in my consciousness can appear as out to lunch and again we're normally in focus we're focusing on the ego and if a person is in doing some extreme sport and they're focused on what they're doing because they have to be focused in order to do it that's like thinking that focus is the important factor and we could say in our ego mind to focus on a wart and one can maybe be focused on that but there's no value in that so focusing on the ego is like focusing on a wart and then in the same way the ego focusing on it is very dissatisfying it's not life it has nothing to do with life we're just focusing on some kind of virus and that would be like going on our computer just to watch it be overtaken by a virus and not actually being used able to use the internet and all the programs and on the software and all the apps we just sit there and watch the virus chew up the computer and that's sort of the equivalent of what we're doing by thinking all the time about ourselves and ego and the past and the future and everything so again one transfers their focus from the ego consciousness to focusing on the task at hand with something like surfing and surfing is a lot more satisfying so it's like well that was a nice thing to focus on it's still focus and then and it could be less focused because a person is trained themselves so much that you know it's again it's the unconscious of just the body reacting to the task at hand and and maybe the ego goes away in that process because it's not really needed for that task at hand we assume the egos needed for our daily functioning but it's not really we can just use it when it's necessary and then put it away and so I think that it's about not so much about focus as it is as withdrawing one's attention from one's own ego mind process this is a pretty dissatisfying thing to focus on that would be like playing the same old cassette tape over and over when in this day and age now we have access to every single song anytime of the day anywhere in the world practically through itunes and youtube and whatever apps out there that would be like i'm just going to play the same old tape and we think we are that cassette tape and it has something that would be like listening to it and then thinking as something to do with right now and then by focusing on it we get pretty dissatisfied and then we'd want something else to focus on focus is a bunch of hocus pocus about being open curious wondering not knowing not focus if we're focused whatever we're focusing on is what's salient and it's usually just a bunch of ego garbage mania is an opening up and things unfold through us everything is contained within us and we're here to unfold something if we are only in our ego process we are not unfolding what it is that is within us to unfold and and when somebody gets in touch it with that often it's perceived as like special messages and it feels special and it seems otherworldly because it's not ego but really it's not otherworldly it's just intuition gut feeling you know the heart we have so much other energy we can sense and you know the heart can beat in a certain pattern and feed us messages to our consciousness that we're upset or think those are emotions yet we block it with thoughts usually we're not really in touch with what those sensations are telling us we take it personally make it into this like whammy story when it might actually be telling us to get in line with what the universe is wanting us to get in line with because maybe if we were actually in alignment with our life path and what we were meant to do here we wouldn't be so concerned about our own personal little petty desires and emotions and sad stories so I have a question for you Mannix out there and what ways is it safe to be happy to be silly it's not really that safe to be really happy out there and I was thinking about altruism and I was thinking about manic consciousness and how it animates us it animates us as adult children and one of the things that there's all these traits that children have like creativity play learning and they're not thinking I'm being creative I'm being playful I'm learning I'm laughing that's just how they are those are their natural innate responses and they get programmed out of us because we get all these more refined morals and things but I was thinking about how altruism is something they don't have like kids don't have a sense of oh I want to do good for the world because they haven't really connected with the world on that level so I feel like mania in a way restores us to our child like characteristics but adds in the dimension of altruism ads in the dimension of the awareness of others and that others are suffering and that we could help others so kids if if we just like let kids wander the earth and they were just the way they are happy and entertaining and cute and all that they would change the world because we would if they were running around like animals in a way we'd be like oh there's a kid how key food and you know we'd have them as pets and love them but no we train them into being adults and so they lose that but what I'm saying is that we're restored to that in mania yet we're added with the altruism and in that way you know we can we can we can make those spontaneous social behaviors and make it a positive social contagion make it relational to affect the world because how kids are change the world they change us with their joy and everything and then they lose that we lose that we are the children were not separate from the children and and look what we're giving to them so i feel like the universe is saying be like a child again oh well said that and be altruistic and again I've mentioned before in a different video how it's not be altruistic because you should it's because when you really connect with that energy which I believe most of us people that go through matic consciousness do we see it's all one thing and what's all one process we're all one it's not separate if we see pay know there were in pain even if we feel it we feel it if we're sensitive we don't feel it if we're not sensitive either way it has an effect on us and we just don't have an idea about that you know we think oh I develop back pain you don't necessarily know it's because somebody's suffering down the street and you would think oh that's not true you know we think of the butterfly effect or ripple effects that we don't really know what causes what and we you know make up these causes for things but there's causes beyond the causes and a lot of the causes is that we are one consciousness and then we come back to this perception of being separate again and then we suffer because it's kind of painful to go back to that afterwards even though it's painful to be kind of sensitive sometimes because you can feel the pain of other people but the benefit or the gift of feeling the pain of others is that you realize we're all one in the same and you know we probably used to sense things that way and interact with each other feeling the other person's pain and if you feel it you kind of feel like you would want to do something a little bit of something to help with that so again it's not altruism because I want to be altruistic it's because it's one thing and again to me I feel like when a person fully embodies one's mania and is operating that way one's not thinking I'm being altruistic it's a concept it's a concept from the ego vantage point saying oh that's altruistic but in my mind like a person in that consciousness and operating in that way is just that way and it's just like a humble person doesn't even know they're humble on somebody says oh you're really humble but they're like what are you talking about what's humble you know they might know the word but they don't really have they're not going around thinking I'm humbled because as soon as somebody says I'm humbled or not humble so that's the thing with the altruism it's not from a place of trying to be altruistic and so from my vantage point now of not necessarily feeling one hundred percent sensitive to others I can perhaps design that altruism into my life so you know I'll either feel sensitive to others again or I'm in alignment with how I know the universe operates underneath our awareness and and it has to operate underneath our awareness we can't be aware of every single bit of information all the time we'd be overwhelmed we would just burst so the ego mechanism is a necessary protection to some level and another thing too is it's with the helping idea the idea of helping is like not about pity it's about celebrating with people just celebrating the moment people share together and that is healing more so than pitying people so this I've talked about harvesting one's mania and you could always think of it too as harnessing one's magical powers but it's how do you harness the universe you can't harness the universe so I actually do feel that mania is like surfing the universe that energy is like a wave and it takes us over and animates us and we are the wave and we are the universe and we're surfing that wave so the wave is coming and and that's the thing with that analogy is embodying one's mania or practicing embodying one's mania is just the same as one practicing riding a wave and surfing so person's body and physique gets totally conditioned into being able to ride that wave well the wave of energy of the universe comes and one can alter one's gestures and motions and ways of being to embody that energy as it animates us that way when it comes so if we have that way already we're going to be better at writing that way than making that energy relational because as we ride that wave and relate in that way people are responding to us differently and that's creating many waves for the other person to surf by practicing it by watching you so you know children learn by watching each other so again this is another way for people to learn is by watching each other that's why we have the mirror neuron system so people are learning even though they don't even realize they're learning like a person can go down the street and say you should smile or a person can just smile all the time and that's like telling people it's okay to smile so if I wrote a book it could be called surfing the universe I might start talking about some book titles because I I might write a book I don't know but again that's like sitting around that's in action and this is sitting around in action as well but I also feel it's not in a way because it this is action i'm speaking and also i'm sharing about this so if i go out and do something in action and then I come back and I say hey I did this action well then there's all this stuff leading up to the point where I got to that point of action so it's me also working towards embodying my mania and also I write a lot and I I so by writing and making it into me speaking it I feel it's sort of upping the energy of it a bit because because speakings more powerful than just writing so I could spend five years writing and perfecting it like going and editing every little word putting out a book and maybe like two people read it or something or I can just be completely open and talk and spend many many hours doing this but again it's on video and also it's it's now so I'm putting dates on the video so it'll be like okay well this is how this unfolded and then unfolded to a certain point and whatever it just keeps unfolding and I think that by doing that my my thoughts have sort of gotten to I don't know I just feel that it's it's a way to make it relational I can make it relational in the form of a book or I can make it relational in the form of a video and I'm choosing video also because this way I can make it very easily accessible and also easily accessible in the way that some people don't like reading some people find it difficult to focus and read and this way it's just in a video and also i think the energy is different reading the words as opposed to just like the gestures and stuff I don't know if that's true but I think it's kind of like an audio biography in real time I guess it's video blogging is what they call it so video blog audio biography and it's kind of like real time but it'll be in retrospect I can imagine myself releasing them will have a job right now and I don't want to really sum of all the jobs going on and then there's another thing i want to do so you know hopefully within a year from now and i don't know if i'll keep making videos the whole time but i'm i'm i think i'm enjoying it i'm enjoying being able to take stuff that i wrote and make it a video and then maybe you kind of forget about it as opposed to thinking okay now where is this going to go in my book and collecting all this like information it's it's way too much for me i think so i'm liking the video thing and also i just feel like this is a conversation this is a dialogue with myself but also with whoever it resonates with and i invite collaboration and vision sharing and and to me this is about creating contacts to affirm that there are higher implications to this stuff and i felt that from the beginning but it's only now that I'm getting to the point where i can really talk about it and it's not i don't think it's anything mysterious it's like I think humans are just designed to collaborate and cooperate with each other and and bring out the best in each other and and really work towards what's best for for everybody I don't think we're designed the way society is conditioned us and so that's another reason why i want to share openly in the spirit of let's just share openly and talk and and make context and meaning and and see things differently and see things in a million different ways not just this way versus that way in fighting over opinions and stuff let's co-create we're meant to be creative and and learn and always learning and end and so that's again what i want to be as and the thing too is that i'm finding that my process of learning and insights it never ends and it hat never has this whole time so if i think oh this is the good point of the book or this is a good point the next day i have like 20 things I think are good points so it just gets to be a little bit too much and I'm maybe none of it's a good point and that's not the point the point again is just to share and talk and speak openly from a place where it's not about what's written in textbooks it's just about opening one's mouth and sharing and and inviting others to to start thinking again for themselves about stuff and not in order to turn on this or be mad at that that's just a waste of energy again because that energy of mania if if we were collaborating and putting our visions together would be more powerful than the need it would make it unnecessary to to so-called fight what is not working because I think that stuff would more naturally fall away I wrote down that this world is psychological torture when I get into a state of psychosis it actually feels like psychological torture but I think that we're all experiencing that from our egos yet it's sort of a low-grade torture and then our societies based on logic and rationality which is quite irrational and we think it's logical yet there's a there's an incongruent with that logic and the logic of our hearts and so we feel that but we don't even know we're feeling anymore we think it's like a personal thing when we're all feeling that and I feel that this manic consciousness is the energy that's trying to break our brain mind away from this psychological torture field and when we get free from that and then we have to come back into it it feels again like like hell because it is hell and the psychological torture has to do with the morality of society the rules were given by which we measure ourselves which have nothing to do with what it is to be a human being I think true moralities buried in our hearts and it's blocked by our minds and our egos but we still feel it and this could be a lot of the anxiety that people are feeling they like I they don't know where is coming from well it's just the collective you know the society that we've created is it's in congruent with our hearts and so we see with our hearts and then that creates anxiety and a dissonance that feeds up to our brains that creates these thoughts and you know it's all connected and I think it's the anxiety to of I can't be me and being and having the awareness that one's being trained to be a cog in the machine instead of actually being nurtured to thrive also that thing that article by Tom Wooten talks about how why do people with bipolar have certain capacities that are more and then certain ones that are less well actually think that this energy is coming in to shrink certain human capacities like the ego capacities which aren't even human capacities there there's something other it's like thought language viruses that have infected our minds and so I feel like I feel like when this energy comes that just naturally shrinks or atrophy these other supposed capacities which actually our capacities that incapacitate us as human beings they turn us into good functions good machines good robots but I don't think they make us good human beings and I feel this energy actually reconnects us with the dimensions that are the dimensions of being human beings like play laughter learning creativity energy fun all these things that were born with and then all the stuff that we're programmed with starts to atrophy but the stuff that we're born with is just there so the energy actually like wipes away the ego but it doesn't really necessarily create something that wasn't already there because those capacities were already there within us as children and then maybe they're just a bit more refined because we're adults but they just seem out of context and inappropriate because we're adults so so it's difficult in that way and and I actually talked about that in previous video before I way before I read this article about how in manic consciousness in this process there's an ability shin process we get ability tit in ways and then you know maybe there's a you know disability in certain ways that are valued by society and part of functioning in society in the machine that is society but we're not machines as as kids we were all over the place and then took a while to actually condition us into a very narrow limited structure of supposedly acceptable behaviors and then we break away from that as adults if we go into manic consciousness and then we're seemed it's like ill or something we don't see that we are just squashed into this very tiny band and then we wonder why people can't focus when we're squashing them into this tiny band the ego blocks us from spreading the memes of celebration of celebrating living playing with words of being poetic instead of being played on by words that energy is trying to create a new way of being in society so there is a balance between being in society and changing society because I feel these spontaneous social behaviors are what it going to change society create a new society we are each Society in the Jane Austen movies they often say oh I really like your society meaning your presence and whatever so each person had a society in a way so in that way if each of us are a society if we're a society animated by manic consciousness or embodying our mania and harvesting or mania and practicing or spontaneous social behaviors and our intentional acts of kindness while we're going to affect the fabric of society in that way i feel like this energy is trying to be relational it's trying to get us to relate in these ways that we behave when we're in this manic consciousness and it's trying to in that way altar society is trying to get us to celebrate is trying to get us to collaborate is trying to get us to cooperate it's trying to get us cooperate with the energy and as mannix together and that's the thing this bipolar is an advantage not just for a person is an advantage for society it could be harvested even if people are in the state it could be harvested for the good of society not just by a single person after the fact like this should be something that's seen as important and if nobody sees that then I'm going to create the company that harvests mania because it's not that personally advantageous it most often destroys a person and if there was a way if people knew that a person going through that was actually an advantage for society for everyone then maybe people would actually protect these people and nurture them through the process and also help them to harvest the meaning of it through the process and not just it's an energy that's altogether different from the ego and the ego might have one Eureka moment in ten years but this energy can create a Eureka moment every 10 seconds but there's no way to tap into that because a person isn't it's not harvested for that and it's a different level of processing that has nothing to do the person the person has been turned into like a universal quantum processor and they're processing not just for themselves but other people too that's the thing I feel is that since it's all one thing and certain people say self Medicaid or zone out or tune out or all these things all these people that are tuning out that stuff is still going on but they're tuning it out or their zoning out or their medicating it out or eating food to make it go away it's still there so that's energy is actually going to be going through someone else and in that way I feel you know could only be metaphorically speaking that know some people sort of tumble into situations that they wouldn't otherwise like imagine if everyone watching TV was going out and doing acts of kindness for people that need help then the world would be a different place right so in that way if a person's watching TV to tune out in a way they're saying I'm not going to help somebody out there and that is leaving that person in a place and there may be suffering that extra stuff the person had the luxury to tune out and the other person is not able to you know why do people hear voices that aren't their own there's that there's more going on than just I'm this separate person and I'm immune to everything going on out there it's not how it works and I feel like a lot of times to a person who was Anna mania not only brings energy into this world but also has to process some of the app to on their way back to the world to the energy level of the world so it's it's difficult freedom is at the end of the thought that you're thinking and before your next thought abstracting about life blocks the flow of energy and and you're not actually in contact with your life energy so the ego the prefrontal cortex shuts off during a flow state in say surfing it's not needed so why do we need it in daily life we don't need it in daily life when Manic consciousness comes in it wipes out the ego and we're just the wave and we actually see or we sends that so if a person riding a wave is starting to think or something that it's dangerous dangerous why don't we see it as dangerous in daily life it blocks the weight blocks us from riding the wave being one with the way we have a matrix of thought that we take to be ourselves bipolar is an advantage for Humanity so we need other human beings to support people that are going through the process
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so I'm reading an article written by Tom Wooten about how there are advantages in bipolar and it's no longer about if their advantage is but why their advantages and how there are advantages and if you've been watching any of my videos I've talked quite a bit already about my own personal experience and how I feel that a lot of it is advantageous and and also why that is so for me it's not a question of if personally so it's only been recent in actual scientific inquiry that there are advantages and I guess maybe it's not that recent because there's that book called a first-rate madness and one of the people featured in this article actually wrote that book and I have that book and I've never read it I'm not sure why I think it just seems so wordy and I guess all books are actually birdie but just the formatting and everything it just didn't jive with my brain so I never got that interested in it Tom wrote an article about these distinguished panelists who gave a presentation in their research about the research into why people with bipolar disorder tend to exhibit advantages in some parts of their life so the fact of the matter is that they do exhibit advantages in some parts of their life and they're trying to figure out why if they want to look for some possible hypotheses they can watch my videos or I might actually contact them tell them the first lady cherie johnson says people with bipolar disorder tend to work harder towards their goals and refuse to give up long after normal people do and will why could this be one thing I can think of off the top of my head is that maybe people with so called bipolar disorder have goals that are more in alignment with the actual universe and not just personal greedy little goals and even if their goals are maybe a bit more self-centered they might actually have very positive intentions with their goals so it could be the intentions as well because there's no point in working super hard towards complete meaninglessness so I feel people with bipolar disorder often have a connection to a meaning greater than their own personal ego gratification or maybe they do connect with meaning towards their ego personal gratification but they actually feel meaning in that versus most people have just a sense of meaninglessness in their lives so I feel people with the bipolar disorder connect with meaning some kind of meaning and then you think well why do they connect with meaning well to me there's an ego scrambling process of some sort it weakens the ego it can actually manifest as apparently appearing as a stronger ego but to me that's actually just connecting with passion behind the meaning of something even if it's maybe a personal thing but a person becomes way more passionate because they've connected with something in themselves that's beyond the ego fear defense mechanisms that think so I can't do this or I shouldn't do this so one also connects with that ability that energy because that ego structure has lost its hold and it's grab and since a person I've talked about before isn't thinking in this self-reflexive destructive circular way it's not wasting that energy it's like if a person was thinking that way you know the water just goes around the paddles and sort of spreads everywhere and it's a waste of energy it dissipates energy and a person is able to channel energy in a certain way perhaps because there's more meaning and passion behind that so a person might actually seem more like they have more of an ego but they don't necessarily it could be whatever the energy is that is driving them is creating that manifestation of themselves as passionate and you know not going to put up with someone's crap and they're just going to go about doing what they know they need to do and a lot of people they say with bipolar disorder succeed in say management because they don't have that ego sense so much and they are sensitive to other people so they know what they need to do in order to empower people and get them to to be motivated and and or and do the work so it's a sensitivity to that and this lady also is wondering like why people are more successful well I again the energy that's driving the success is something beyond personal ego success it's usually for a grade or something it might not even be the person might not even have the intention of the great or something but their energy is from that perspective so it naturally gets channeled in that way which can then be perceived as success and they talk about it in terms of impulsivity as well and for some reason people that take immediate action are seen as impulsive just because they don't have this noise in their prefrontal cortex blocking them from actually taking immediate action they're seen as impulsive and I wouldn't necessarily say that they're just not abstracting about reality as much as they are acting in the field of reality which would also lead to more so-called success the next person Terrance keter studies the link between creativity and bipolar disorder and I've already talked about how to me a person in mania is restored to their childlike energetic learning consciousness state and so it's just naturally creative and we're born naturally creative and then it's programmed out of us and then certain people go in and out of that state and then it said to be some mysterious thing when we have this innate capacity within us people with us so called mood disorder are are the ones that have it even more so because what happens is when the ego gets scrambled by this energy when the ego scrambled were naturally more creative or when the ego is temporarily suspended then we're naturally more creative and then a person is said to have a mood disorder because when they're coming down from that or when the ego is sort of Rima T realizing and getting in the way one can be kind of grumpy because they're losing that that state so I don't think a person necessarily has a disordered mood as much as one's going in and out of this creative state and it's it's a little bit disorienting if you were in the middle of painting some amazing work and then all of a sudden that that was going away and then somebody comes in and says he'll was time for dinner you might get kind of grumpy the book of first-rate madness written by Monsieur gamay talks about the surprising link between mental illnesses and leadership you got to be kind of crazy to think you can lead people to do something so that's one of the benefits of crazy and maybe being a little bit delusional in thinking that you can actually change the world now the ego mind doesn't think oh I can change the world it's just thinking about what's for dinner so something else has to come into play which is the weakening of the ego which is usually attributed to a mental illness because one is no longer just thinking in linear terms of being a functional cog in the machine of society one is looking at different ways of being in different ways of expressing oneself in different ways of thinking and possibilities the ego mind doesn't think in possibility so I really don't feel that mental illnesses are illnesses per se as much as they just appear like illnesses because one isn't functioning the way that we've been conditioned to function it's just like being impotently maladjusted dr. Martin Luther King talked about being creatively maladjusted well if we aren't able to be creatively maladjusted sometimes we get maladjusted by the universe and if we don't understand what's happening and don't know how to harvest it and harness it and move toward it and get in alignment with it and surf the wave of the universe if the universe energy is coming in and directing us and guiding us in animating us and we're used to our little ego consciousness animating us well that's like that's like going from learning to drive a car to being expected to take a rocket to the moon without any lessons so it's quite difficult just because somebody sits inside a rocket ship doesn't make them an astronaut and just because a person who is in touch with that energy the universe and doesn't know how to navigate doesn't make them mentally ill it's just not knowing how to operate that way and then unfortunately usually we have funneled into a chemical prison or a chemical ego band-aid when the ego is losing its hold on us and that's one of the purpose of this energy coming in as for the ego to lose hold on us so we will look around so we will do things differently so we will alter the structure of society because it's not fair and it's not just and there are so many people suffering and we don't realize that the people that are suffering r us and he also asks why bipolar is associated with so many positive outcomes while at the same time causing such devastation well if you think about it bipolar again is a suspended ego state so when one's in that state one is not thinking about the consequences to oneself it's all or nothing it's like how Steven Kotler talks about somebody riding a huge wave and surfing and if they make just the slightest error they could die well when this energy wave of the universe comes in through somebody and is animating them it's not animating them as in the normal consciousness as in oh well I better think about this and ponder about this for 10 years before I do it no it's action now and each little micro decision leads to the next and it's not a decision made by the ego consciousness it's made by the universe and it's almost like the universe is making us surf its wave in daily life and some of us surf it even though we've never done it before and some of us fall flat on her face and some of us died and some of us break into a million pieces and have to be put back together again and and that's a thing is it is a catastrophic thing it's it's not it's not this safe little thing and we've created these little safe lifes for ourselves with our little ego mind directing us and keeping us safe and that energy comes in through us and channels through us and we don't have a choice it's going to make us surf that wave and it's kind of I don't know if it's luck of the draw or what but it's just a wave it doesn't that wave doesn't necessarily care about if it devastates our ego life it's actually trying to break up our ego life so even if it is a catastrophic failure it's still a success for the universe because it's broken up an ego into a million pieces and it's unfortunate that so many of us just end up medicalized for the rest of our lives but you know if we could really see what was happening even if we did crash into a million pieces we would begin the process of putting ourselves back together again just like Humpty Dumpty bipolar is kind of like Humpty Dumpty syndrome and Tom works on the how aspect of how to create positive outcomes for people with bipolar and he offers a course and he does some really great work and what I would like to work on and I already am working on it and I happened for quite some time is I feel there is a universal energy behind the process and I say that because when a person starts experiencing these waves of energy and this cycle from up to down it's not something a person can necessarily[Music] control and Tom talks about that and he talks about how we can't control it so we may as well learn how to understand it and work with it and so in that way it's a process of the universe it's something like we're all a part of the universe we're not separate from it we're in it we are it and so this energy comes in and animates us in different ways it doesn't change us into some other species no it animates us as human beings in ways that human beings act at one time or another in their life so it doesn't really add anything necessarily new to the spectrum of possible behaviors per se you know maybe the delusion stuff but that's definitely part of the learning process because even children have so called delusions and and aren't quite sure about how reality works and have unfounded fears just like that happens again in bipolar disorder in in mania and psychosis and to me that kind of proves the whole not proofs but it's just another element that the ego is suspended or kind of deleted or totally messed because a person goes back to thinking there's monsters in the closet which is sort of the pre ego state of a young child so it's reality testing all over again and it's like wanting us to learn this energy wants us to learn it is learning itself is learning about itself it is itself it's a self learning process about itself and so it sort of throws everything one knows for a loop everything from gravity to you know should I just pee on the floor to anything so it just opens up that entire spectrum of possibilities of degrees of freedom of human behavior and possibility and unfortunately not always does that lead us to do the best things but sometimes it does lead us to do to do good things but the same with the ego consciousness people in ego consciousness can do bad things or they can do good things so this other state of consciousness isn't necessarily different in that it can produce so-called bad or so-called good which is actually an ego judgment in that state if there was nobody to really look on and judge I don't know if you wouldn't necessarily say kid peeing on the floor is bad like it's it's annoying you have to clean it up but kids pee on the floor well maybe adults who forget about that rule pee on the floor too and they forget about a lot of rules and maybe we do need to forget the rules of society and create some new ones from scratch I think that's what this energy is getting out a little bit and and that's the part that I am curious about focusing on is more about the root more about the relational aspect of these states of consciousness how it's trying to get us to be animated in certain ways and what could that mean so it's one thing to say Oh a person a personal person is successful and they have bipolar temperament bipolar consciousness and look how successful they are well you can look at it as personal success and I feel this energy is coming on in order to animate a person to be relationally successful so to bring out the success and others to to have certain spontaneous social behaviors that will alter the fabric of society so a person that's a leader and there happen to be bipolar and they're successful well they're not successful in a vacuum necessarily if they're leading a company or something like that they're having effect on the people that are working for them and with them so to me that's relational so they must have somehow harnessed this energy and I feel that the energy the purpose of it is to make it relational so somebody's leading company that's actually making it relational so that would be to me in alignment with what the energy is trying to achieve so if that energy is animating somebody as bipolar with that temperament and then they're able to lead a company that energy was successful it's not about necessarily that person being successful that might be a byproduct and maybe a person at certain states in their consciousness cycle feels I'm personally successful and then maybe other times the person feels like I'm doing good for the world and that's what matters so we don't necessarily know what the driving force and the intention is behind that person and the thing too is that that energy when it comes is so powerful it has to go somewhere and if a person is able and in a position in their life already where they can channel it into it being relational in a company then then that's great that's amazing because that's going to create channels places for that energy to go you know if a person has an idea and an insight and they're working in a company where they can share and utilize that insight in order for it to be spread in the company to actually make that idea come alive with them not having to do it themselves because that's the thing bipolar 2 is a person will have a lot of ideas and insights so if they have a place to utilize them they're not going to feel like they're getting squashed and crushed by all the ideas and not able to utilize them whereas if they're in a place where they can throw that out there and the thing too is a lot of the ideas are really good so if they have a bunch of employees who can mirror back like oh yeah that's a good idea no that's not great and then a person can work on that project that the successful leader thought of then they're actually bringing out the best and other people and getting them to sort of level up to the the level of the idea and the innovation and it's just I can see how it would create quite a buzz so to me it actually is important for a person to to have that and the trouble is when it happens really young a person doesn't have that yet or if it happens when a person still in school then maybe it's a bit difficult to get back on track yeah I don't know I think that's the thing with my ideas my suppose it ideas i don't i don't have a company yet i think i'm going to start one but even if i do start one I don't necessarily have employees that can help create some of the ideas that I'm having but maybe I will one day but I feel I have a lot I feel like I have a lot of ideas and something that something that I thought of the other day was along the lines of maybe making some videos on my process of whatever it is that I want to create as a business because maybe it would help more people that have bipolar channel something towards creating a business or also if I talk about bunch of my ideas then somebody else can actually start a business on that idea instead of me actually having to have my own company with a million employees what's more exciting to me is actually talking about ideas and harvesting ideas and co-creating some kind of vision it's almost like having say a hundred people that experienced this type of consciousness bouncing ideas off each other and then maybe an idea somebody else resonates more with me doing than my own idea and vice versa really to me it's about some kind of open business project talking about business even though I'm not really in business yet and in that way changing business from this like oh I got this good idea and I got a hoard it and and and plan it for the next ten years and then just talking and just thinking together on stuff just to make the world better because that's really what matters in the end is is the world and so this is more in alignment with with my feelings about this energy and how this energy is to be made relational and it's for the world and it's to create the spontaneous social behavior so this behavior would be talking openly about my ideas I don't really I'm not saying they're the greatest ideas in the world I'm just saying this idea is about talking about idea instead of waiting and sort of creating a business it's like creating now like this very second and not delaying and and I even thought I'm just going to start a business and I'm not even going to have a plan and it's just I'm my business I don't know what I'm doing you know how can I help you or whatever and just go from there like I do have visions of what I want to create actually I saw this piece of paper and I'm not going to show you a dress stuff but I have his address and i met this guy named shane and he was nearly homeless and he told me to create the dream center which was a place for homeless people to go to get sober whatever and restore their dignity and find meaningful work and I don't know how I would go about that but I feel like it could be for almost anyone who needs it even say people that were diagnosed with mental illness I'd like to see people diagnosed with mental illness who don't really think that's their paradigm to be restored to learning and moving towards their dreams that maybe they saw in some of their altered states of consciousness and I don't know I was thinking about this dream center project and I was thinking that besides the whole building aspect where each a dream center we reach of Center of dreams we each have visions we each have dreams and so the first step in the dream center project for me it would just be a Dream Center myself and have my visions in my heart and bring out the best in people so the best of my ability in the moment and and maybe reconnect them with their dreams and reconnect them with their vision just being able to see with their heart as opposed to just seeing with their ego eyes which is mostly lies so I gotta go find Shane and maybe I'll do video trying to find Shane and I don't know I'm not sure about that it's been a while because I mentioned before in other videos how when i dissociate and disconnect from reality i often feel like I'm a homeless man and so I feel like that's either my next life or it's a parallel life or you know we're all just one consciousness and it's just sort of connecting me with another conscious experience because our brains can tap into anything especially when our ego is dissociated from so I often go to that place and not often but I've been there a few times where I feel like I'm a homeless man and I felt the pain of it only for a brief period of time was very intense and so I feel like that's giving me a reminder it's like trying to remind me that I am that too and I'm out there suffering right now even though you know I don't feel it most of the time but sometimes I connect with that suffering and it's difficult to know what to do and that's part of embodying my mania is actually moving towards just being action being action-oriented and not sitting here thinking about stuff and I do sit here and think about stuff for sure but I feel I feel helpless I feel like I need some sort of vehicle like like a business or something and I'm thinking of starting my business on january first just so it's a new tax year and it's less to think about for this year and today is November is November fourth so I've about two months to just keep making videos which are more theoretical in a way and thinking I'll get up to about 100 hours of video and I don't know I could put it on youtube or offer it as some kind of online course I have no idea but but basically my main thing is making this manic energy relational it's one thing to think okay I have this manic energy how can i make my life successful and in doing that a lot of times especially with that energy and from that perspective of a bipolar which usually connects one with their heart at some point and some sense of altruism that's the thing to like I could get connected with altruism and then devise some kind of scheme in my mind to make it make me really really wealthy yet it's very altruistic so and then I would be seen as successful personally successful but at the same time my motivation wasn't personal success at all and that's one of my things as I keep thinking more and more stuff and I'm like where to start and so maybe come January first I'm just going to start I'm just going to take action I'm just going to start at the business and I'm just going to do the whole life coach thing and just start being a spontaneous social behavior in a positive social contagion and a cognitive dissonance heart resonance and I feel that is the success of the energy of mania is in making it relational and I'm actually quite interested in the work of patch Adams so if I had a chance i would probably go to one of his classes because what he does is kind of its super altruistic and and I feel like sort of the principles of clowning and improv are in alignment with with mania and I actually don't feel like oh I need to study improv and clowning because when that energy comes I'm just naturally that way and I think people are naturally that way but perhaps having a few different ways to channel that energy might be beneficial or even just ways to to compare it so a person could practice clowning for ten years and and look kind of like someone that's in mania perhaps or someone could be in mania for five minutes for the first time and be like a clown so some of the human constructs are actually quite congruent with this energy so you know the concept of flow or maybe the practice of clowning or practice of improv now I would stink it improv and I could probably take a class for a long time and learn it but I feel like in daily life I am mostly in improv state and it's not thinking oh I'm improvising but it's just being in the moment so in that way I feel like I kind of have improv and daily life a little bit probably could be better with the yes and and things like that and that is a lens that could be adopted as well for this purpose and so yeah there's lots there but that's the bid I'd like to add to what Tom's doing I think tom is doing a great thing is really important and I feel like I wouldn't do the same thing he's doing because that would be pointless he's already doing it what i would do is really what I've been talking about in all these videos until I recently read his article that made me realize that he's actually one of the people out there that really sees that there are benefits to being bipolar and he even says I am bipolar then people say oh you're stigmatizing yourself but he's saying well I see it as a benefit as a good thing so for you to say I should be upset about that is actually stigmatizing so people are if people were able to learn to function as bipolar then they wouldn't self stigmatized and so they wouldn't get offended if somebody says you are bipolar versus thing you have bipolar disorder because tom saying if you say I have bipolar disorder you're saying you have an illness or you have a disorder or eat something's wrong whereas if you are bipolar and you own it and you can operate as that and use the advantages and and work so the disadvantages are very very very minimal that then it's not really a bad thing and and I like the way he talks about that so i would i would like to go back to saying i am bipolar when before I've been saying oh I not sure if I have a mental illness I'm not sure if I bipolar disorder but I could say I am bipolar I have that up and down perspective I have that consciousness and and for the most part I have it in order and so I I see it more as an advantage than a disadvantage there are things sometimes that it's gotten out of control for me so I haven't I haven't been able to get it completely in order but it's never been even if I go into the disorder and the awfulness which i have several times I'm able to bounce out of it pretty quick and when I'm able to do that I soon forget the disadvantage I move on I don't live in fear of it even though it can be pretty bad and I have had some hints of the disadvantage coming up recently but I've been able to really be watchful of them and be mindful and and talk to people and make sure that I'm able to stay in order as Tom would say so he says bipolar in order and i would say bipolar in order for what in order for what i would say in order to connect with one's altruism and make it relational that energy has to go somewhere it can't be kept to oneself and it's so powerful that the more one channels it somewhere the better and so I would say tom is already doing this because he's created this great program called bipolar in order and he's teaching and he's doing so many things with his life so he's got it in order and he's channeling that energy he's talking to people he's helping people so what I'm saying is what he's doing is part of what I'm saying is a missing piece I'm not saying it's a missing piece in his program because you might talk about it I don't know I don't remember but once a person is able to maintain their personal safety one has to realize that one is going to be riding the wave of the universe as the universe for the universe and so the more one can connect with one's altruism with ones cause with what one saw what one got passionate about so you know it's called a mood disorder while you get moody because you get passionate about stuff and if you get mad about stuff personally it's because the person's getting in the way of you being passionate about something and you know maybe it's being channeled in in ways that aren't healthy or and the thing is the first time somebody connects with that it's it's hard to to be in an ordered state and I don't think it's actually a disordered state I just think it's not the order of the ego so that's another thing that is thing different to it's bipolar in order well it's the order of the universe it's it's an order that is scrambling the ego so it's the ego is disorder itself but we don't realize that and then this energy of the universe this order of the universe comes in and scrambles that up but yet we're bumping up against the reality of ego thought which is the collective society that we're usually a prison of and it's trying to break us out of that prison and it appears as disorder so I wouldn't say that the energy of a person even when they're in the disordered state is an energy of disorder it's not it just appears as disorder because this whole reality is designed in a way that's not congruent with the universe and the universe energy comes in and and shows that and so you know that's why person will be like I got to get rid of all this stuff and I got to buy all this new stuff and it's just as trying to create something totally different a person is in the creative state and it might not manifest in all these healthy ways because a person will be like I'm going to buy everything and because a person feels so abundant that how can one ever be in a state of lack like all is here and now so and that's the truth as as the universe would say but that's not the truth necessarily in the ego reality so it's a it's a difficult lesson the first time for sure but one can definitely get in some semblance of order and that's the part that it's important to to get into oneself in order in order to function in this society that we've created but I also believe that this energy part of the point of it is to start to change society so to only get back into order in order to appease everyone around us and please everyone around us and function again in society even though our energy is like tearing us apart inside yet we're able to smile and nod and go about our day I think that's missing the point a little bit too that's kind of like building up Hercule and strength in order to walk across the street it's it's it's missing the point a little bit so there's a few things in there that I've said that are different the energy is the order of the universe it appears is disordered when one's ego is being blown apart when one's false structures are being blown apart it appears as disorder and it's going to reorder that person's life and or even if a person falls flat on their face because they're in disorder if one was just to create one's life again in the exact same disorder it's going to create the exact same thing because one in one's life situation was what was the precondition for that to happen and that's trying to break it apart it's trying to free the person so to just plunk one's self down in the same old prison in the same away and then just try to manage is it's good it's a good point to do but at the same time it's also about what is that she trying to get me to change what is that energy trying to get me to be in alignment with with my own ego and with the society and I'm not saying that I'm saying it's actually really valuable to be able to you know control oneself no matter the state one is in that's very beneficial but then from that strength what was it that that energy initially wanted you to do still go back to what I was trying to create and what I'm going to create which is harvest germania so for me I was talking about Shane and how I met Shane and he said create the Dream Center well I could be completely readapted and in order in my life and in society as it's designed comfortable again you know managing my states and behaviors and just again be a cog in the machine or i could think well now that i'm an order and now that I'm strong and now that I've you know spent two years getting myself able to still behave properly when this energy overcomes me so I don't rip someone's head off and that is of no advantage at all well now I can think back to what it was that the universe wants me to do and even though I'm not having the wonderful reward of hi pleasure response thinking about it or moving towards it i'm still going to move towards in i'm still going to create it i'm still going to do whatever i can do those ways that mania was trying to animate me in that universe of the energy the spontaneous social behaviors i'm still going to move towards that i'm going to practice that I'm not just going to practice you know making myself feel better and sort of move back and forth in this energy and ride that wave I'm also going to practice moving with it and moving as it and not just thinking oh I'm getting a bit more energy so it's time to nip it in the butt thinking I'm going to have a bit more energy so i'm going to go downtown and give sandwiches to the homeless which is something i would probably do in mania so what would a manic person do can I still do that without that energy can i embody that can I make that relational can I make that energy relational even when I don't have the energy and I think that's part of the you know test in a way because it's easy to do it when the energies there when that huge wave is there it's easy to do it it makes us do it and we are it and we're enjoying it and we're in the state of joy by being that and doing that now can we do that still without the energy without the reward do we have to be a salivating dog in order to do that stuff and I don't think so so to become in order just to be cozy again again defeats the purpose because the initial wave of energy was anything but cozy and it was saying get off your butt and do something I don't care what it is do something because sitting and thinking about something is zero power compared to the infinite power of a simple smile so here I'm here I am sitting on my butt talking about this but that's why I'm not going to release this until I've done something that would just be silly and so I've already experienced the process of being overtaken and animated by the energy and I was out there doing stuff every day but it was disordered so it was I was in the order the energy was the order of the universe but I was disordered in my being able to make it relational and act it out and share it so back to these people who are successful they're able to embody it make it relational share it I would bet that they wouldn't say that people with bipolar are like successful chess players probably not i don't think that energy would let us just sit and play chess it's going to make us go and relate and i would think that a lot of the successful leaders are the type that have to relate and some way and it's that that energy that that charisma of the universe that makes them successful and makes people maybe follow them in a certain way or or want to work for them and with them and it could be even the energy that people could be diagnosed as bipolar if they if they faltered in some way but maybe when the energy first came they were always able to be that and just go with it and never like if you're always channeling it is it going to is it going to destroy you and make you fall I'm not sure and that's why I really feel it's important for me to get with the relational program and and I was saying before when I was first in you know recovery I was just having fun and laughing and I was very relational I wasn't thinking I'm trying to be altruistic or whatever I was just being happy silly ridiculous playful fun talking smiling laughing and I never had any issues and then I switched into you know helping other people and peer support and and I definitely went downhill and I have had more struggles since and when I think about it it just might not be in alignment with that energy that energy maybe I had it still when I was in recovery but I was always making it relational I was always laughing and having fun with people and then when i started in in the other capacity I wasn't working with very many people at all very few just supporting a few people so I was in that relational space a lot less and so I think there's something with that two people that go into that consciousness we're not meant to sit at home and and do not anything even if we go out and just talk to people in our silly and have fun we're doing something and and that's why I was talking about random acts of kindness and it's and how it's a way to embody mania and make that energy relational and invite that energy to come back and and fill us and we're already doing that and where we are actually saying yes to the energy because we're doing what it would want us to do or animate us as without the reward of the energy being there as that bliss so it may be there it might not be there and do we need it to be there in order to do that
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you might be wondering why I'm dressed like this well this Halloween so I thought I would take a break from my regular costume of playing a mental patient in Cognito and be a cow and that's just for today and I'm still a little bit under the weather but I have an hour before I have to finish getting ready for work so I thought I would just talk feeling a tiny bit disconnected actually and and it's strange because this morning i was i was jumping on my trampoline and then I was dancing to music with my headphones in and then then I felt a bit disconnected and I feel like it's possibly because I go into this like celebration mode which is even less ego than my normal waking consciousness and even just sitting here and talking to myself on these videos there's some level of ego consciousness there but in that celebration state it's not really necessary and yet in that celebration state it's not really possible to stay in that state all the time so it's almost like going to a really good concert and when you're in the concert it's just so good and enjoying it and then when the concerts over you kind of have this little afterglow from the concert plus you have this but of sadness that it's over and I don't know if it's sadness that that states over as much as it just is a different state and there's this felt difference and it's almost like that bit of ego comes back in and it's felt as kind of like discomfort it's felt as like an intrusion almost because it was so absent for that period of time and so I just find it interesting because there was this other time that I was in total celebration mode and I found a song that I really liked and I was just so into it for like two hours and then the next day I was you know so called really depressed and I feel to it could be partly just the difference the difference in feeling of feeling nothing not feeling itself to having the self come back in and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing it's just something to notice and be aware of and if I'm aware of it in that way maybe I won't pathologize myself and think oh like I'm I'm going to be going downhill but at the same time I do need to be aware because I've talked about in other videos how I want to avoid the psych ward at all costs because of my previous experience and so right now because I feel a little bit kind of like discontent or something it feels strange I'll be even more watchful because that strangeness invites a little bit of fear and the ego is fear often so it could just be the ego trying to re-establish a groove I know the thing with mania is like a person is in that constant celebration state and they can't turn it off and when it finally does turn off a person goes through something like a psychosis and to me I just went into sort of that mini celebration stay for a short period of time maybe like half an hour and so there's like this mini calm down this mini like a little feeling like oh just like coming off a drug you know and my body was making its own inner inner neurotransmitters and things to reflect that state of celebration and when those are withdrawn through not being in that mode anymore through kind of coming back to more of a regular consciousness there's a there's a sense that that is going away so in manic consciousness or mania it's like maybe somebody's in that state for a month or longer and so the calm down is absolutely astronomical and so I just felt that I think on a mini scale and it's not necessarily a sign of illness it's just it's just the body having a different sensation from that state of celebration and then coming back to regular consciousness and people do that even in a regular basis they they feel a bit better and then the field it worse just in regular consciousness and then they try to do something to make themselves feel better well I was just doing something that made myself feel really good jumping on my trampoline and dancing listening to music and then when I stopped that those neuropeptides are withdrawn from the body and I feel a little bit of a withdrawal in a way and now that's not to say oh I need to go jump on my trampoline and dance to that music 24 7 because if I did it no longer would actually be that great because I'd be habituated to it so that celebration state is pretty you know special but i think i could probably work towards being in it more and i do want to move towards that move toward being in that state more and i don't think it's really anything different than just embodying the inner dimensions of being a human being versus embodying the inner dividing up bits of the ego which are not that so I don't think it's special I think doing that little traveling and stuff was actually just one way of being in that celebration mode just laughing and sharing and and being a certain way in daily life is also that too it doesn't have to require going to extremes to actually feel that and maybe maybe I went too far in a way in it and then maybe I'm feeling it and I'm like okay that's a little bit too far away from just how my life is designed right now and when I was when I was experiencing that I kind of had this sense that you know maybe the highest level of my life for me is actually moving towards being like a DJ or something because I'm people are celebrating and dancing and having fun not really sitting here and talking like I could sit here and talk for the next 10 years or I could be a DJ and and watch people dance and which is more powerful I think being a DJ so I feel like I'm in this phase where I want to like talk about stuff with myself but then I'll get to a point where hopefully I'm not really talking about it and I'm embodying my celebratory nature more and I still do a lot of stuff in my daily life but I'm wondering like right now I work two jobs and one of them is going to be closing up soon and I feel like I could utilize that time to move towards actually embodying some of the stuff that I'm talking about and when I was in mad at consciousness the first time I was just fully embodying that and living that way for an entire month and it did get very chaotic because it went on for two months actually and I feel like I can embody that in bursts in my life I read a study that talked about doing random acts of kindness for two hours a week in like a two-hour trunk is good for you so I could do that and and those are ways of doing it in in a controlled way because for me it could actually get out of control so i could say do too much kindness and then lose my habit routine that's required to remain employed and actually feed myself so there's a balance and and i feel maybe one day all of that will be a part of my life and I won't have the other stuff to worry about but I don't know doesn't doesn't really matter either way but I guess it's about lifestyle design and designing in happiness first which I talked about in a video somewhere or as putting happiness first because if i'm happy i'm going to do things differently in my life so if i think of happiness I'd be pretty happy if I was a DJ or producing music and I knew how to make electronic music and I was enjoying it and other stuff you know rebounding rollerblading all that fun stuff and and that's all fine and dandy but it's also about the world centricity because i could go off into my own personal happiness to more and it could even still turn out the same way in the end it might not matter all paths suppose it paths could still lead back to the same thing because it's all here now but I i came to so many my little reminder popped up and it says you have a voice reminder are you scared of showering and I noticed I'm a little bit hesitant to shower these last couple days because I feel maybe lazy or something which means I've kind of maybe overthinking things or something but I'm not afraid to shower so I'm okay but I'm still extra watchful of myself because I could take a seroquel not because I feel like oh I'm getting ill is just to slow me down like that stuff makes a person sluggish and dull and you know if I took it every day I would probably gain weight and be even more sluggish and dull and you know that dullness would be mirrored in my body in my flesh I'd be this big blob and it's sad that people are turned into that through no fault of their own but being prescribed to take it and so I could take that to slow me down not necessarily to fix any kind of like mental illness or something and that's why I say a mental patient incognito on a daily basis because I actually feel that my brain sort of computes things faster than society is designed for so there's no real place for me to go except being dulled with medications under the umbrella of being mentally ill because I recognize patterns and I recognize the pattern of humanity that is super destructive and I would probably destroy myself reacting to that because I would have no sense of self to stop me from doing that and I would be kind of like a kamikaze pilot in my own body so that's not really it's not really great I this medication kind of buys me time to see if it's almost like CF i can create my life in such a way that it's in alignment with the way my brain wants to work because my brain wants to work in a way that's not in alignment with society so I need to work towards creating my life in a way in alignment with the way my brain is going to work so for example if I'm going to have a brain that's like super weird and fast and I don't even know like I'm not saying it's better it's just different you know you could think it's actually worse because then it makes it very difficult to function in this society and then i have to take toxic medications which eventually damage my body and kill me and people take medications for for mental illness actually died 25 years earlier so this isn't necessarily a better thing it's just different so what I'm saying is that as I have 25 years less to live technically I need to move towards creating a life where actually i might buy myself more time of that 25 years that I've technically lost by being put into the mental health system and so part of lifestyle design would actually be to live somewhere quiet and right now I live on a really really busy street it's noisy you can probably hear the cars going by so somewhere quiet and peaceful which also includes not having people upstairs stomping around and having the TV going on because my brain is really sensitive to noise and also maybe being a little bit removed from society so i can put myself in it in small dosages and not get overwhelmed by it because of what i see and so right now i take medications on a daily basis but I can imagine maybe if I was in a more quiet area that's more designed for my brain then maybe I wouldn't need the medications to dull me because there wouldn't be those things that are bothering my brain like all this engine noise and and noise of society and that's the thing too about going into that celebration mode coming back here and then thinking oh I have to work today and I work tomorrow my other job and it's like this this society or this stuff that I participate in relating to the mental health system becomes less inspiring so it's kind of like Oh whereas maybe a couple days ago I was like into it and it was inspiring it's still inspiring to me but I'm just saying that with that sort of difference I might notice that it's not quite as inspiring as it is when viewed when viewed from a different level it's not quite as inspiring and there's a place in life for all levels that's for sure it could even be showing me that I would like or I have within me to move towards that and I think there's a little bit different I think there's a difference between planning to do something and and really seeing and perceiving the possibility of that unfolding so seeing the potentiality seeing what I am a seed to possibly unfold as my life and I can keep unfolding my life as society is pressuring it to unfold or I can unfold it in a way that would be congruent with my wildest dreams that I was born with as a baby so I actually heard a quote one time is that if you if you don't create your own structure you become a victim to other people's structures like other people's systems and other people's ways of being or so it's something about creating that structure and and i do want to create a structure for for people to go through their distress and also possibly go from dullness to wellness and reduce reliance on medication while staying safe of course like Safety's number one for sure and I saw the insights I had homely I've had so many insights and I write them down there's so many and I can't keep up and I don't think it really matters to talk about them per se but when I was editing a video yesterday I had this sense that the ego the ego lacks Eck Forex sensation or the ego is this field of equity and I'm probably not saying it correctly but or illustrating exactly correctly but what I'm what I was thinking was how dr. Daniel Siegel said that when we have trauma we don't encode it properly in the brain the memories aren't encoded properly in the brain so when it comes up again in the present it lacks act Forex sensation so we have sort of this weary experiencing the trauma but it's not actually happening now and we don't realize it's not happening now so we're terrified if we actually realize it wasn't happening now we wouldn't be terrified likely but it feels like it's happening now and now that's called lack of X fork sensation and what happens as the hippocampus shuts down during trauma and I believe he talked about how that's because of the high amount of cortisol so high amount of stress shuts down the hippocampus and then and then the memories aren't encoded in the brain properly and I talked about in a video how I think they're kind of they get stuck in the heart in the pattern of the heart because the heart is beating in a certain way when we're being traumatized and that's sort of vibrating and storing all those memories in our body in ourselves and they're not properly processed in our brain and so what I'm thinking is how we record hurts ego memory hurts like somebody saying something to us or something our mom said to us when we were young and to me that's just a mini trauma it's like a mini hurt it's and so if you think about it when the hippocampus you could think about it as the hippocampus not working properly still so maybe it's not completely shut down or mostly shut down like when one's is having a very traumatic experience but the hippocampus doesn't allow that memory or that happening to just pass right through it and just go into oblivion like most things that we perceive just go through us and into nothingness because we don't need to remember every tiny little bit of information so for some reason well it's mainly because we have this ego image which to me I feel is it's like it starts out as a little speck or I don't know how it starts but say it starts out as a speck this ego image and that speck got there because the hippocampus didn't let the spec go through and we keep this speck this memory and we kind of think that it has something to do with us so we think it's us and then next time something happens that is this little hurt we record it and we record it and keep it because it didn't pass through the hippocampus and go into oblivion so it again it accumulates with this little bit of the ego image so we start off with one bit and then we end up with maybe a thousand memories or something and we consider this our ego complex of something your boss said to you or something your teacher said to you or something you did that you weren't happy with and those are all things we choose to record and remember because it didn't actually just go right through and go into oblivion or and and the thing too is it can go into the brain and we we do recall this ego image thing as as past we realize and in a certain sense we realize that something that happened in the past but at the same time we don't realize that something that happened in the past because we take it as this ego me that we are so I feel that the ego complex is actually lack of X fork sensation we it didn't pass through and go oh that was passed like gone done nothing to do with the present moment so this accumulation of images that are just each mini traumas and even if it's a good memory it's still kind of a trauma because it's something we're holding on to you know it's almost like I have to hold on to this because if I don't it's not going to even out the bad stuff so it's like fear these even these happy memories are fear because we're trying to overcompensate for this bad stuff in there and we try to draw upon those to make us feel pleasure when the other ones come back and make us feel pain but again to me it's all past image thought memories which accumulate and form this ego which we think is healthy but to me it's just accumulated trauma but it's low level so we don't actually see it as trauma we see it as this is me this is something that happened to me but it's sort of accumulated trauma memory stuff and he talks about something called allostatic load which just means kind of like how much stress we've accumulated and to me the empty ego is the allostatic load it's all these little bits that we've we've accumulated like plaque like just this mold growing inside of us and then a person you know some people are more you know supposedly resilient than other and then this ego this ego is the allostatic load and then if something traumatic happens it's like boom a person is pushed over the edge because they've already accumulated so much of this allostatic load that if something happens it's like it pushes a person over the top of trauma and it's like the hippocampus is trying to deal with this allostatic load and there's nothing it can do with it now that it's this accumulated mass and so this trauma comes in and adds to that big time by the hippocampus shutting down totally it just makes the allostatic load even bigger and it it's almost like this allostatic load of the ego now has this greater fear pattern of the trauma to sort of navigate in so now this ego allostatic load has the context of this trauma happening and it's actually moving within this just complete terror and fear and this complex of memories is the thing that's afraid the body in actual space has nothing to be afraid of so it's like this image complex of allostatic load reacting to that sort of hippocampus insult of trauma that just creates more context of fear through which this ball of fear can move in and that goes along too with sort of how the ego is like this allostatic load of cortisol kind of in a way and and the cortisol it attacks the hippocampus and when they hippocampus the hippocampus doesn't allow things to pass through it records that image and when we record all these images and sounds and thoughts inside and keep them there instead of letting them pass through that ego me complex is actually in our inner field our mind screen or inside pattern-recognition area and it's clogging it up so we can't recognize patterns so when there's this eagle me allostatic load moving around and clogging that up it's harder for us to be in the actual human dimensions of for example being able to perceive truth beauty love joy celebration laughter all these things that require that our inner perception our inner quantum computer be clear it's like we have this inner quantum holographic processor that recognizes patterns that recognizes interference patterns and if if we're actually seeing in perceiving with that clean slate we're acting in a congruent way with what is out there and by acting in that congruent way with our inner quantum holographic light processor were able to unfold that which is actual because by just reacting to the ego allostatic load energy thought sound complex were not we're not acting in congruence with what's actually there where we're reacting to stuff that's going on inside that was recordings from the past so that's a thing the Eagle x.x Forex sensation we don't actually notice that the ego are just past recordings we take it to be our self because each time an image doesn't pass through the hippocampus properly we it's like it's like an injury it's like being poked each time that happens and and so the ego is just kind of like accumulated scar tissue of the things that didn't pass through that we didn't allow to pass through it we keep with us for some reason and then we allow that to damage our perception and alter how we act in reality because we're looking through those images and we're seeing those images everywhere we're superimposing those patterns of those hurts onto external reality and they don't always fit perfectly but they're close enough to resonate and make us react to those past images and we're not seeing what's really there and that's a thing too that I thought of quite a while ago was how the ego or that thought complex going on is sound and so it's almost like the ego is like the recording of those images and sounds and then by recording those images and sounds we create this image of our self with our own voice which is sound so we have this image sound version of ourselves inside ourselves supposedly supposedly reporting on what's happening but it's not actually reporting on what's happening and so if you think about that image sound ego thought complex and just imagine it was completely gone and it was just blank no sound no image now the light realm within us this processor within ask this perception the light of our perception is clean and so we can actually see and we can actually hear what's happening outside of us and see what's happening outside of us because we don't have this inner vision blocker and sound blocker going on inside of us and I actually feel that you know those image sounds those images and those sounds those recordings that we have that we allow to accumulate as allostatic load as like a complex of images and thoughts that we take to be ourselves take to be our identity those are actually creating cortisol so those are actually creating stress which damages the hippocampus which allows for more recordings to accumulate and it's difficult to let go and and so I feel that this inner sound is actually sort of stress its cortisol this voice in our head is damaging our or hippocampus it's like its brain damage the voice in our head is brain damage when we record somebody else's voice saying something to us or where they're their image saying something to us we're actually damaging our brain because it's staying in there and it's damaged because why are we choosing to record that when maybe we could just go and just record flowers the rest of our life and that's all that would be in our brain is flowers and so we're looking for these supposed dangers when if we record it that's the danger because it's going to continue to damage our brains as we're going to be looking for similar things we're going to be looking for that as that's what's going to be salient and so you know it's another person's ego and we're making their ego salient in our brain we're creating our ego based on other people's egos and when we get struck in those moments of awe and that all disappears those moments of our when that thought image is suspended temporarily so when dr. Daniel Siegel talks about trauma as being lack of Forex sensation in a way I actually feel the ego is many trauma accumulated and it's also a fork sensation that if we were able to be attentive we wouldn't record things because we would know there is a danger in recording that and we would have that awareness beyond beyond that and if we were residing in our radical subjectivity of the subjectivity of humanity of what it is to be a human being we would be residing in either Beauty truth love goodness laughter lightness and so we would see the falseness of taking something on personally by taking stuff personally we create our ego person self and I feel the ego actually damages the hippocampus with the stress and the cortisol and the stress of trying and becoming and trying to become psychologically better when everything within the realm of the ego and the psyche is of the same quality which is not a very high quality and apparently fish oil repairs the hippocampus and I feel to that if like I have a past traumatic history and if I am stressed it has a tendency to arise and it could arise when my hippocampus is being damaged in daily life and maybe it can't keep up just like if the liver is overloaded and can't keep up the reason we get intoxicated by alcohol is because the liver can't keep up with the processing if we could drink as much alcohol as we possibly could and the liver could keep up we wouldn't feel drunk so in the same way the drunkness of the trauma can arise if the hippocampus gets overloaded and I feel like that's part of how people can get mixed up with the collective unconscious too because there's personal trauma and then below that or at a different level as the trauma of humanity and I feel like we can even resonate with that if our hippocampus it could be the same sort of lack of a quarry it could be all the memories recorded in the human brain of any brain anywhere at any time J Krishnamurti says that there's only one human brain it's not separate brains and I haven't really seen the truth of that fact that he mentions but if it's true then we could have access to anything and to go with that we're actually afraid of our own recorded images so the images inside get in the way of seeing clearly that light inside of us that creates all these ego images is actually the light of perception and that's the light perception we use to to sort of take impressions of the patterns we see outside and everything we see outside of us when we look at it clearly makes this impression on our inner light quantum processor that mine screen that we have it impresses our mind screen but we're busy making up all these dramas and tales about our recorded images of our ego consciousness and so we can't see these patterns clearly the ego images are like running way too many programs on your computer at one time and then trying to do movie editing the computer is probably not going to be able to do all of it and the editing is going to be slow and choppy and going to take forever and going to get frustrated so when the mind screen inside is clear that light of perception we see and understand things differently we act differently based on the understanding and when we act through perception understanding action which pretty much happens son simultaneously we unfold a different world most of us spend our life reenacting old images in our own internal mind screen which is creating the cortisol which is damaging the hippocampus which is causing more of an accumulation which is causing more stress and by looking at those images on our mind screen and that those thoughts sounds that's what we're seeing we're seeing the past we're living in the past we're replaying the past we're doing that we can't see possibility we can't see patterns we can't understand what's happening and when we're seeing an understanding we're learning and we feel there's this self-sufficiency in that process and we don't feel dependent on so much in order to actually get through life and when we perceive from this place of seeing patterns it actually reap a turns our brain and when we're seeing patterns we're not seeing through our ego so we're not recording things that are reinforcing or ego we're just seeing what is actually there and the pattern of it so the ego is actually a perception problem it's inattention it's an avoidance strategy it's avoiding living and that's what society is designed for by seeing possibility we unfold those possibilities and we make what is possible probable and our image making process our recording process our ego has written over our quantum holographic assessor the pattern recognizer the seeing and the understanding this is the way we saw as children it's like having a child's eyes again be as a child to whatever heaven or something it's nowhere there's nowhere to go it's just a different way of seeing usually we try to learn and understand just by adding another image another memory to our eco structure I was watching a little bit of a video on intermittent fasting and very first time I went into manic consciousness I had been raw vegan for 10 months and that's kind of like fasting and then I I was unable to hold food down properly during the process too and I went down to just 90 pounds but the point is that fasting kind of gets us into that state and I think too that a lot of our food actually feeds our pleasure complex which is our ego wanting pleasure so by fasting sometimes it can actually d couple us from this reliance on pleasure because most eating is for pleasure I used to eat only for nutrition now I'm enjoying my indian food and stuff but actually recently when i was in the hospital and they're giving me a really potent toxic drug that i didn't want i actually naturally responded by just eating half of my meals and it made me a bit hungrier but i felt like by eating less it would be less toxic to my system my liver would have less food to process last food to digest less energy wasted in food and also i knew that the pill would make me hungry so by going against how I thought it was going to make me feel I was having some level of say control over the medications effects on me because if I if one of the things it does is wants me to make me gain weight and I'm not gaining weight it's not going to have the medications not going to have the same effect because I feel actually part of the effect of the medication is that we have so much more fat on o
ur body it's like an insulator for all the cellular memories that we're experiencing so all those memories that didn't pass through us through our hippocampus and just go into wherever in the brain or the Oblivion thing they're stored in our body and in our cells and when we're in distress that's sort of coming out and it's the lack of X Forex sensation because it's actually stored in the body but by making us get all fat it's sort of insulating that process I think it actually creates like kind of like the brain is made of fat it creates like a fatty brain around our whole body to sort of protect us so that's one of the ways it actually insulates us from these thought images that are coming up and that's what psychosis is like scary thoughts and images inside outside wherever it's all over the place well that's what we've been collecting our whole lives and that's the scary stuff and I actually feel like even just the ego is mini psychosis it's hallucination it's not anything that's there you know and then it gets to a certain point you know the allostatic load of the ego gets to a certain point and then it's called psychosis because someone's behaving strangely but you know a person with their little mini psychosis ego is behaving normal but if their thoughts were being projected to everyone they'd probably be arrested because what they're actually thinking is really scary probably or not very nice and so you know you can even just think of it that way like would you want somebody to hear your thoughts if not it's kind of like psychosis and I feel any level of thought in one's head is psychosis because the ego is just a thought image complex that we've built up over time through not allowing stuff to pass through us and recording it to keep it for later in order to react to what other the other images of what we think people are doing and saying based on our memories so we're not actually relating to reality whatsoever so I say the ego is psychosis and so even psychiatrists with their egos thinking have psychosis so for me if I was ever in a system again in the system again where they want to like drug me up and stuff I would probably eat way less I already have my representation agreement to protect me and my advance directive but if that didn't work for some reason I just wouldn't eat and that would help my body process that toxic garbage and not put all this fat on my body Krishnamurti talks about how thought is in action and how perception is action so actually seeing something is the doing perception is action and to me thought is in action because acting supposedly acting based on thought is re-enacting the ego is something from the past so it's not action it's it's acting re-enacting based on this image structure inside of us on our mind screen which is actually just like blinders and that's the thing only perception is necessary we don't have to do anything I think that's how how fasting can weaken the ego thought me image complex is that it's it's a decision not to indulge pleasure and I feel like when I've been in you know supposed psychosis by eating less I'm not indulging that ego structure so it's making it a little bit easier to deal with the distress that is coming up I feel like the ego was busy making like pleasure and pain molecules in the body and that's our inner reward system that's our inner Pavlov's dog the ego is just like Pavlov's dog and each time we think of something or have an image it's like when little bells ringing and we start to salivate pleasurable thoughts of the little bell and we start to salivate our little doe queen or or pleasure normal pep sides if we were actually perceiving and acting in the moment there was just be joy in being a human being there would be no need for this pleasure reward reward for escaping the moment because the moment supposedly sucks because we've moved so far off the path of perception and action I think food helps us make these pleasure molecules because we're pleased by the taste plus just the crap in it actually makes it so we want more of this pleasure molecule stuff and I feel like the brain and the body can't repair itself properly so if we're super super stressed with the cortisol attacking our hippocampus but we're using food as pleasure to sort of pacify that it's not actually making the cortisol go away it's just sort of pacifying us with this pleasure that happens at the same time so no wonder our bodies are made up more of cortisol maybe pleasure molecules dopamine whatever they are and those neural peptides are so we get angry and then we do something to pacify the anger now our bodies made up of all those neural chemical neural chemicals and neuro peptides well no wonder we can't go into that flow state with those five neuropeptide combinations combination that makes us feel flow well how can we feel flow and we're doing this ego image pleasure dopamine reaction to the Past thing and that's implying that we're reacting to the past all this biochemistry is actually us living in the past which isn't now so it's sort of an adjustment it's a contortion it's a distortion from the actuality and no wonder we're not in the field of gravity properly and we're not flowing properly the brain needs to repair itself from being hijacked by pleasure if we have clear perception we don't need pleasure and that's the thing in in those Piper perceptive states we can recognize patterns we can recognize the pattern of society and what it's doing to us as humanity what is done to us as humanity it's just an extrapolation and it's pretty obvious and if we really saw clearly we would wake up and we wouldn't participate in this anymore so society has a vested interest in keeping us blinded by our own egos we must become immune to the thought ego sound image past structure which is tied into pleasure and pain and fear actually feel that this trauma releasing exercise shakes off some of that so might fasting so I have this I have this thought today don't be yourself because who you think you are is not you we are the universe we are one self what we are is something just a common humanity and I drew another picture this is a good one so that is me and then the little ego speaking in the head and and it's telling us it's trying to be our guide and it's a really crappy guide and then there's an actual self and and the ego is collapsing crappy wave functions that aren't really real because they're collapsing inside and they're old thoughts so we're collapsing the past within us and through that we're collapsing ourselves we're not expanding into our possibility we're being engulfed by our past image recordings that we decided to record when we have our iphones now and stuff we don't choose to like take a picture of dog crap we actually take pictures of beautiful moments to remember yet our brain it has no I'm not saying we should record it all with our brain we shouldn't necessarily the equivalent of what we do is like taking a crap and every day taking a picture of our crap and like worshiping that or something and thinking that we are that piece of crap in the toilet and not only that we're actually just the picture of the piece of crap in the toilet that we took it's obvious that we're not that how can we be so blind anyways this is getting long have a great Halloween and until next time don't be yourself be the universe a few things I saw on the way to work I was thinking about how most people are sort of like in their head when they're driving because the activity of driving has become a habit it's been trained in to us and in the same way our whole lives of having come habits so when it's habitual what we're doing brushing our teeth washing our hands doing whatever it doesn't require our conscious attention it doesn't require a present so we're lost in our own fantasy world but why have we made being in this human body into a habit and then we go off into our heads into into these images and stuff of past situations instead and how can that experience be better than actual reality but since we become these habits it has become better than actual reality and then I was driving and I was listening to ABBA because they're going to be reuniting or something and then I had this memory flash in my mind where my dad picked me up from school and he was like blasting some kind of like in my mind cheesy music and I like kind of yelled at him to turn it down like because I was embarrassed it was high school and I was thinking about that and how I could have maybe responded with love and not character that happened but then it just popped in my head that maybe since my brain doesn't operate in that ego image realm all the time though memories do flash in my consciousness but I'm not operating in past memory stuff all the time I was wondering if it's almost like a life review during my life I wonder if my life will sort of flash before my eyes throughout my life instead of having what some people experience at the end of their life which is seeing their whole life flash before their eyes and then when that happens they're like wow I barely lived life because I lived in all these images but since I'm living in actual reality I just have mostly actual reality and and I have little flashes of memories and and so it just made me think that most people live in their memories all the time and their ego like when they're driving when they're washing their hands anything they do habitually and they're not actually here present and only in being here present are we able to not record images and not not live in those images only in the present moment the images and the memories and the past urges are dividing us from the present moment they're creating a false division because we're not actually divided from the present moment and i also thought what i was talking about with the going into celebration consciousness and coming back I feel like sometimes too when I see something very clearly when I perceived something and understand it part of my ego or part of myself actually has to die part of this image domain has to die and those images dying feels kind of strange and also too and I was driving I was thinking about if I ever become a music producer something i'll create a song saying this is not a recording this this life is not a recording it's not the images we've recorded in our head kind of like a play on the answering machine thing used to have this is recording
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I'm feeling a little bit under the weather so i'll see if i can talk to myself today or not playing with my little DNA tangler I don't know if you've ever seen one of these but I saw it one time and I just had to buy it even though I don't really think I need it but it's kind of fun supposed to help people with fidgety propensity I developed my first anti-suicide kit for those who feel like they might lose control and do it even though they actually don't want to feel like in my case I don't want to and it came across a video of this girl on YouTube and she said she woke up with all of her sleeping pills and the her bubble pack popped out into a vial and she doesn't remember doing that so she's actually afraid of her own self killing her and she wouldn't remember now I'm kind of afraid in that way too but mhm mine is usually more like I like pop out of bed and think I have to kill myself and I'm actually kind of like running around like that so this way i would grab my kit and then fastened myself to say my bedpost with my phone nearby so i can keep myself safe until help comes and so I have it's just a zap strap and for seroquel and I could take two seroquel or I could decide to take four and four is not going to kill me but it's really gonna knock me out and the zap strap is 16 inches so it's not long enough to like hang myself with because that's the thing this little intervention can work for one or against one so if I really wanted to die and I want to swallow entire bunch of pills and then fasten myself so I couldn't call for help then I would be dead for sure but this is supposed to be designed for those of us who actually want to live it's this will help keep people that really want to kill themselves kill themselves for sure and I'll help people that really don't want to kill themselves not themselves so it's a sort of a pro-choice thing and and I don't want to kill myself so that's why I carry this now in my purse I used to have just the Zap strap in there but I thought of the idea to put the Zap strap with the seroquel so i don't have to grab the entire bottle of seroquel i can just grab this and that's it and i even thought of the idea of putting some kind of like hydration pill in here to keep one hydrated because they say you can last three days without water so the hydration pill would make a person be able to last a few days if by chance i fastened myself but wasn't able to grab my phone for some reason i would at least maybe be alive long enough to not be dead by virtue of just being there sort of laying there rotting and the thing too is part of me feels like once I'm fastened I might actually just like breathe it out for a while actually go through the experience and and just let my body stay still and not be so freaked out by it well I would be freaked out by it but i would i would stay still and let the inner experience happen somewhat because i already did that one time even though i wasn't planning on it and it was a really weird experience but that's the one thing that's another thing i might actually i might be losing my voice I don't even know maybe I talked too much the other day two days ago I made maybe like three hours or the video and so it's it's odd that someday I could talk for like three hours of video then other days I can't say anything I think yesterday I tried to make a video and I was going to try and do another couple hours maybe but i stopped at 20 minutes and I was just like lit and yesterday i wrote the Mensa test just for fun and I really don't think I pass but it was kind of fun actually just to sit there like did a bit pizza and it would be kind of funny I don't think my brain works that way new anymore anyway but it's just kind of funny and yesterday too I did a longer session of tre drama and tension releasing exercises and i bought the app so i followed the videos and i did the exercises and then I did the trauma releasing exercise and and it really did something I don't know today I went for a walk in the park and my whole body felt kind of different like my hips felt loser and i'm not sure i was just sort of noticing sort of just really paying attention and putting attention to to my body and whether it did anything and i think it did and i think i will do it again but i have this feeling that it shook up my body to the point of maybe making me a little bit under the weather my gums are all swollen on the right side of my mouth on the top and I just feel a little bit lethargic but I'm not going to miss work tomorrow or anything I don't see why I would need to miss work I'll just be a little bit under the weather GD squeaky floor just next place I move it's going to be somewhere really really quiet and peaceful and I find when I edit my videos to get rid of the little coughs and sniffs and things I and face scratches I'm hoping or thinking that one day maybe I'll just get to a point where i can just just talk and not need to refer to any writing or write anything down just trust that whatever I say will include what I sort of perceived at some point and that were there's also i could make shorter videos of the thoughts that I think right when I think them but a lot of times they come to me when I'm getting ready in the morning when I'm like naked and not wearing makeup yet and so I don't know I did come up with some good stuff though I remember thinking oh this is good stuff okay like this little diagram here see that now it's hard to read for what I was trying to get on was how there's like this river there's like the ego is like a river down so this is our stream of energy and there's the ego and so it's a damn and then so it's like only allowing a little bit of our stream of energy through just like a damn sort of lets the water through in a certain way to generate the power so it's not the river isn't flowing there's a big lake pooled up here so the ego is like a dam and then and that I think what I'm trying to get out here is a we can almost like do things to get around the dam so these are maybe the spontaneous social behaviors and practicing lens manic trades and embodying one's mania to sort of wave build little streams like new streams to get around the dam and these are the same as like new neural pathways and then when the dam breaks when mania comes which is like the scrambling of the ego and how it dissolves then there's somewhere for it to go because we've created those new pathways here because otherwise if we were just the ego if we're just the regular flow we're not ready for all that extra energy and so so there are new channels without that energy and that was one of my little thoughts about it so that energy and all that extra water seems like chaos so somebody came along and saw a river with a damn and there's big pool and there's dam and there's just a little bit of water spilling through and they've never seen a natural River they would think that the dam was part of the river system now that's the equivalent of the ego we think that it's always there and now when it breaks if somebody thought rivers always had down they would think that that was like chaos and totally catastrophic but really the dam is the unnatural thing and it it will break given certain conditions and then the mental health system is the equivalent of a damn just broke open and collapsed and now we're trying to rebuild the dam which was the problem in the first place it's an unnatural structure oh and then I drove this other picture that psychiatry is like building a new dam by like downstream like putting medication in and medication to me is kind of like a chemical eco so we're conditioned to have this psychological ego and we believe in its structure and we think it has relevance to ourselves and we buy into it and then we go about society using this ego structure and then one that breaks apart through the energies of through the energy of mania and manic consciousness or whatever other means it seems sort of chaotic and then the professional system comes in and imposes a chemical ego it's sort of like a pseudo ego it's like a person whatever little bits of one's ego are there it sort of maybe acts like glue it's like taking the damn pieces all these big chunks of concrete and like trying to glue them back together with some kind of medication and and that's supposed to keep the ego somewhat intact when really that you is the problem in the first place and a person goes kind of through chaos because the dam breaks and there's all this energy coming through but it eventually settles that give a dam breaks in a river the initial pool of water is is totally chaotic and catastrophic but once it equalizes again it's just the normal flowing river and it goes back to how it was naturally and so in my mind people need to be supported to weather that storm of their ego Dam breaking and and because they will rebalance its like slingshotting into a higher energy realm and then slingshotting back into a lower energy male and it eventually even zone over time but that process is never allowed to complete naturally very rarely is it allowed to resolve itself naturally it's always seen as some kind of disease but really the ego is the disease in my mind and I'm not the first person to say that and I wrote we need more neural pathways of that way of being animated which is the way the universe is trying to animate us which is the same way we were animated as children but of course in a different way that would that would been the natural trajectory of us learning towards adulthood if our brains would have never stopped learning because of these false ego inner thought image compass structures that keep us reflecting on the past or thinking about the future which doesn't have any relevance to the present moment for not in the present moment then we can't actually respond adequately to the present moment if we can't respond adequately to the present moment or going to be thinking and reflecting on did I do this right or that right because we're not actually in the moment so we're supposed to flow like rivers and our egos our dams we need to embody world centricity because this is the way that this extra energy is trying to animate us it's trying to get us to cooperate and collaborate with each other and to not cooperate with the current structure of society because it's destroying us it's trying to get us to cooperate with this energy that is us this energy is us as the energy of life itself the ego is energy dissipating and it's it's false it's an illusion and so we're separate from the life energy of our very being and I was talking about in another video about how this life energy that we are as human beings our inner subjectivity is more of the realm of goodness truth beauty and these all these dimensions that we have of being human and the human embodiment that are actually fundamental to human beings and maybe other members of the animal kingdom have it too but that would be their own unique animal experience of it apart from us and so those are the ones were born with but then we actually replace that inner rich dimension that we would experience if we were just here perceiving in the moment we'd either perceive goodness truth or beauty and we would experience ourselves as that just like we experience awe when we experience aw and that's replaced with the ego compass which is psychological time and christian birdy talks a lot about psychological time and i'm really feeling like i'm seeing what he's saying with how our minds our psyche goes back to past memories or future possibilities and all the while that it's doing that it's playing this inner chess match it's playing this inner game with itself of trying to gratify itself which is just an image it's not actually what's happening and so by doing that we're not actually present in the moment we're in were lost in psychological time and that by creating these by having these different memories and and continually recalling them we're creating this me that is recalling this memory and the sort of me complexes this image that we have of ourselves inside and it's not actually asked ourselves it's not our life energy it's just an image and it's recalling different memories and going around in time and by doing that and being this sort of solid thing that it thinks it is is creating space inner space because it's moving about in inner space from past present future and in that way it's creating inner time psychological time and when the ego me complex is doing that it's not actually in present time so the outer dimensions are space and time and the ego creates the equivalent inner dimensions of space and time but there's no such thing as that and if it was just emptiness that would leave emptiness to have the subjectivity arise as Beauty truth goodness happiness joy all these other states of being loved thinking about two years ago isn't love so so by creating I feel like this image is created because we this is how we operate in the outer our brains need to plan and and do all these sorts of things in order to move about in space and time in outer life so we create the inner equivalent but really it's like a dress rehearsal going on that we never actually get to the act and and it's like this chess game we're playing chess inside while we're trying to walk about in daily life now if we actually try to play chess on our phone twenty-four seven or something and walk around a daily life it would be pretty difficult so we're doing that inwardly and it's not actually congruent with what's going on and then we wonder why time passes us by is because we're spending a lot of time in psychological time and and those those inner dimensions which I sort of which I was talking about I haven't really thought too much about that but those are sort of what it means to be human and and that maybe goes with the learning aspect as well and creativity and and perhaps since we can't learn because we have this inner ego me psychological time and space thing going on it's blocking learning because we're always sort of planning and presupposing and projecting so we're not actually looking and perceiving and learning and so we're not learning and since we're not learning we're actually sort of withering and dying and we wonder why our brains deteriorate over time and these memories are actually like prison walls we're in a prison of our own memories and we use these memories to operate in reality which has nothing to do with our own personal little memories and I talked before about how in manic consciousness one is sort of restored to learning and the brain again is learning and perhaps growing and it could be like a second brain growth or restoring that brain growth process maybe it's never supposed to stop and I feel like the brain then works more on extrapolation which is to do with communication and I listened to it this talk by a woman on child and youth mental health and she talks about how when the brain is being pruned there's also a myelination process which speeds up communication so I'm wondering if this also has something to do with extra brain myelination of a sudden for some reason and with that extra communication possibility can be extrapolated in the brain and so instead of going based on thought associations which is very linear from one thought to another thought to another like thinking about dogs and then thinking about the dog you had when you were five and then thinking about another memory when you were five and then thinking about that person that you know now that you saw when you were five I like just one thing after another like that which is just all personal memory stuff and there's maybe like a new thing here there but not really that much it's not learning it's just associating and it's and that's how we think we learned because when people are talking we're always associating to what we already know and then we make like one new connection after listening to something for an hour and we think we learned something but that's just creating a little Association whereas and other learning processes based on extrapolation and to me that is to do with perhaps the whole quantum computation thing the brain is likely a quantum computer I actually wrote down one time that I think the brain is a spaceship it creates space and time as we see it as we know it it allows us to move through space and time it creates the rest of us which is like the spaceship so we're kind of like spaceships and the brain is like the driver of the spaceship and then the heart is kind of like the sonar of the spaceship so extrapolation is seeing possibilities and then from seeing possibilities there can be associations in the brain made to how to maybe make that possible and I think that's something too is that when we're in that learning state we see we can create things and in school we're trained to be functions not creators of things were molded into a certain line of being a cog in the machine of society and we don't actually realize that we can create and and for some reason the creativity thing is is reserved for art class which is being cut out of a lot of schools so there's a little room for creativity and it's all functional cog in the machine things and we wonder why people are are supposedly developing these mental illnesses it's that we're being suppressed
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I just found out that Abba is doing some kind of reunion I think this proves that there is a God for sure but anyways I want to talk a little bit more about flow and then I might be over it for now I was just thinking about the comparison of somebody achieving achieving flow through say extreme adventure sports and that would take say a number of hours to get to the point where a person would be in flow while they're doing the activity and even to the point where they they master it and I even feel like a person would have to ride bigger and bigger waves to achieve that flow state so it would be a flow state but it would still be a state of sort of seeking that experience and doing a particular experience to get there and I feel like the manic flow that's induced by the universe no particular experience is needed wanting a particular experience actually gets in the way and a person can be so in flow in daily life that one is brought to tears by the beauty of a flower and that is seeing the flower beyond the ego so to me that's spending all this time getting to the point where one can get in flow in some kind of particular sport is missing the point as well it's not really a state that we need to try to get to to think that we need to try to get to it is actually getting in the way of us being the air we don't really have to do anything in particular I think there's a little bit of a difference of say being in a flow state naturally say embodying one's mania and practicing one's mania to actually be able to contain the flow that's what I feel like with the manic consciousness it's more about practicing to be that elite athlete version of oneself in daily life to actually be able to contain the extreme energy of flow this dream energy the extreme energy of flow that is the manic consciousness is like a huge wave that one needs to ride in daily life and one doesn't even have a choice the power of the universe just brings it in and it's up to us to sort of embody that and be able to ride that wave in daily life and all that extra energy is for the good of the world it's not for one's particular pleasure and if it gets turned into that it disappears so it's interesting how people in extreme adventure sports turn it into sort of like a particular pleasure and they have to keep repeating it in order to get it back there's not that much difference from doing that and say taking MDMA and having one's ego erased it's sort of relying on external circumstances to produce that oneness state with the universe that state is how it is we don't have to do anything to produce it in my mind it would be much more powerful for people to just practice these spontaneous social behaviors and and break up the habits of the normal ego consciousness and do random acts of kindness and and change the social fabric that way which would actually maybe create the preconditions for this natural wave of energy to to infuse one's being because it's always there is just being blocked by our habits in our regular thinking process so it's more about breaking up that thinking process and using extreme sports is one way to do it look if a person starts to get flowy and then decides they want to get into some kind of sport well that's fine once one is in that sort of flow consciousness it's a different state of seeing and being from which to make decisions or to notice what one wants to participate with it's a learning by playing and one is actually playing with one's life and life energy and is an instrument of play and I thought of the question is this a playful universe as opposed to is this friendly universe and if it's playful it means we can play again and we can learn again and I also thought of this idea about how a person that goes into manic consciousness their energy is a different level their consciousness is a different level and if you think of Rupert Sheldrake more of a genetic field it's almost like the morphic genetic field level of one society is say here and one's trying to pop into this higher consciousness but the morphogen etic field the gravity of that brings a person down eventually but I feel like these people popping into this higher state of consciousness over and over slightly alters the more for genetic field over time and it's trying to alter the more of a genetic field and its trying to create the preconditions for more people to see and be that way unfortunately it's misinterpreted we're not actually seeing people that go through these states of consciousness as people who pop into extreme flow States and actually embody something really spectacular and then unfortunately when a person comes back the process of coming back is difficult it be likened to somebody falling off the wave and breaking all their bones it you wouldn't say that person is like mentally ill you would just say that person really injured themselves and it's almost like a self injurious process because it actually injures the ego it scrambles the ego in the process of one's ego sort of Rico Lessing to come back down to the level of society's morpho genetic field is almost like one breaking ones all of one's bones and having to retail again but it's misinterpreted and then it's seen as some kind of like long-term thing that needs may be permanent medication and that's not really how it is a person just needs love and care and acceptance and to be kept safe and fed well while they reestablish connection with this dis ease of the collective this next bit I want to talk about is not really very mysterious and none of it really is a couple of weeks ago I created a long list of questions and I don't really look at it very much but what I randomly feel like it or randomly sort of go to it in my consciousness I sometimes look at a little bit of it I talked about in a different video how questions are perhaps well in the context of flow questions are perhaps a way for one to get a little bit flowy because instead of putting one's precious attention on the repetitive story than me the ego questions naturally get the brain to wonder and wondering is sort of like not knowing and the story is the known it's going on about the same old thing it's stuff that we already know and it's a very very limited domain whereas the rest of that which is not known is unlimited and I feel that questions are perhaps a way that a person can get flowy because of the way they sort of disarm the ego and even if they don't necessarily consciously they perhaps do subconsciously which is where some of that precognition stuff could happen so it's like planting seeds of it's like planting seeds so the mind and the brain can sort of look for something else I read a book psycho cybernetics and I can't really remember it but I remember that talks about how the brain is like a servomechanism which means it's sort of seeking what we're focusing on and thinking about so if we're always thinking about our little story we're not really going to see much beyond that and it's actually getting in the way with seeing what's right in front of us so by asking questions I i feel it's part of that servo mechanism process and it also makes something else more salient I remember having a discussion with a friend years ago before i had a manic consciousness experience about how if you hear about something for the first time and then you're driving down the road the next day and you see a sign that says that exact thing that you've just learned about now how did that happen and she mentioned it was about salience things become salient to our brain because of that discovery so by asking questions we make other things salient to our brain so we will just look there and see it and in that case with the sign maybe we drove by it a hundred times and never saw it so there could be a lot of things that we've been going by a hundred times and we don't see because we don't have that context we haven't asked that question we haven't it's not something we have considered so it invites us to consider something else so I encourage you to make a list of your own questions and maybe a long list and you know you can ponder over them or you can just look over them quickly and it's a way to get one's brain to start looking for something else and and we have to look outward a little bit for more information and it's not even about finding the answer it's just about asking the question and so some of my questions are and they're not really that exciting but where is the beauty so that's just a question to remind me that when I'm in a state of consciousness maybe in retrospect what I notice is in certain states of consciousness I'll notice beauty so if I'm noticing beauty i'm in that state and i might not be noticing that I'm noticing beauty but if I'm in a state where I want to consult the questions then again I can consider the concept of noticing beauty now the concept of noticing beauty is not the noticing of beauty itself and so all of these are just concepts and I'm I'm thinking one day that I would want to let go of concepts and writing things down and stuff and just not consult things that I've written down in the past and I'm not yet they're partly because I want to share some of the stuff or at least talk to myself about it and what am i grateful for that's a pretty obvious one what can I share and what can I give and that's a world centricity question and the question i got from tony robbins is what were today's magic moments and usually for me those are very simple things like observing someone to people smile at each other and a question I thought of that could be just the only question i would ask myself if i could pick one question and i might have talked about it before it's how are you contagious and that really brings everything that I feel that I've considered in terms of thematic consciousness and embodying one's mania and the posture and the and the gestures towards others and the world centricity in the sharing and the giving and all of that it's really acknowledging the ripple I'm putting out there in the resonance and what I'm creating with each beat of my heart it's how I contagious and it's taking responsibility thinking that every single electrical impulse in electromagnetic field of my body's is having an effect on reality larger than I could ever be aware of and if that were true how am i contagious how am i showing up not about what I want or or what the world can give me or what I need and all this ego stuff in this desire or how much TV can i watch tonight or oh I can't wait to watch this favorite show it's how my contagious how am i showing up in the world and the interesting thing is is that when one really gets with that what one needs and what one wants actually is right there because what one needs and what one wants is actually just to be one's best self and then it's just who you are and when you are who you are and you're capable of learning and thinking for yourself you don't really need very much else than that and a lot of these supposed needs that we have come out of this fundamental lack of being in that place where we're actually learning if we would have never stopped learning as children by being crammed with all that useless information and and told how to memorize and we already knew how to learn and then they said sit down in this desk and we're going to teach you how to learn and you'll be learning and that actually stopped the learning process but if that would have never been stopped over time we would all be freaking geniuses living in utopia but we were programmed and trained into very narrow bands of existence and you know being a professional which is just memorizing more and more stuff in a very small area and we think that is learning when it's not at all because if we were learning and always learning we could look at something and understand nearly everything about it without ever cramming knowledge into our head about it we would just understand and we just get it it would be self-evident a lot of things are and there's definitely needed for knowledge and specialization and a lot of things but there's a lot that we don't and by educating people in just a very limited way and then getting certain band of people to become professionals because they have managed to cram and learn that way and then the people the other people who don't learn that way because that's not learning anyways they maybe go off in this other direction and then you got the professionals and the ones that need the professionals because of this divide in the learning and then we call the other people you will they just don't get it and blah blah blah but that's not true it's just their learning process was stopped and they weren't able to cram like the ones that are able to be programmed in that way and then the ones that are programmed and in society in that way or said you have the knowledge let's help these other people and it creates the whole haves and have-nots and the the smart people and the not as smart people and you know now they're starting to talk about multiple lines of intelligence and all that but society is still designed to reward a certain kind of learning and and that learning is actually perpetuating the design of society as it is which creates this big divide of people know keeping way too much than they actually need blah blah blah the list goes on but anyway I think that we're programmed into being dull and not being able to learn for ourselves so we look to professionals for the answers when if our brains were clear we could actually quite easily understand it ourselves another thing that goes along with the tre in the body awakening method and the rebounding and so as exercise in the bedroom yoga and the role thing is coherence breathing that's another way to get ones physiology to sort of get back into proper alignment with nature with one's natural flow and there's apps for that and stuff and I've done it in the past but I haven't done it lately there's an app called stress doctor and then there's an app available through complete coherence calm but you need a chest strap or something to sync with the app the other one you just put your finger on it and I don't know if one is more accurate than the other but both seem pretty good in dr. Daniel seagulls google talk about mine site and interpersonal neurobiology he talked about an experiment where people were blindfolded for a given period of time it was a couple weeks and in those couple of weeks the brain actually changed its structure to make more neural connections for the fingertips and the hands because a person was using their hands more to feel around in society and it happened over a pretty short period of time and it took over quite a large region of the brain so he was saying how fluid the brain really is and how it changes the brain map to map the world and he actually said the mind changes the brain where the mind creates the brain which boggled some people's minds in the audience when he said that but in that same way I feel mania is sort of the energy of the universal mind and it's changing our brains it's remapping our brains and I also feel like what is it that we need to become blind to what parts of ourselves do we just need to put a blindfold over so that part of our brain can be taken over by something else and we have this ego drone going on in our brain our prefrontal cortex all the time now if there was a blindfold put on that process and it stopped maybe something else gets mapped in that area of the brain maybe we think that the prefrontal cortex is actually supposed to be for that blah blah blah but maybe it's that blah blah blah that's actually preventing the prefrontal cortex from being utilized by something else and to me I think it's more like a big garbage heap that's in the way and it's almost like the hands of the universe would be mapped through our prefrontal cortex and that precognition that happening without having to think about it needing to abstract about it first if we're walking around in life and there's billions of bits of information around us and we're moving about space yet we have this sort of binary I'm going to choose between this and this going on so maybe two bits of information what are those two bits have anything to do with the totality nothing whatsoever yet we think we need this little decision-making process to guide us when there's the totality there's the energy and I think that when we don't have this little thing going on in our prefrontal cortex that's what's comes in and and takes over it's like we have this little it's like we have this little man in our head and he's like a piece of Lego and he's the one steering this entire complex human organism and we think that this little piece of Lego is actually running the show when really it's the entire universe it's the entire Earth it's the entire Gaius sphere it's everything and we're part of that we're in that and it's not different from us we close our eyes we open the eye our eyes and we create what we see because our brains are mapped and adapted to show us that if we had a different brain we would see something different and if we weren't perfectly adapted to this we wouldn't see it and interact with it in the way that we do and in the same way we can change things and we can we need to help reality to level up because what we have created with just our little binary decision making process is not what we would have created if we are actually in our creative state which is our natural flow state I don't think this is what we would have imagined for ourselves we created our own prison of work and meaninglessness and now we're trying to get back to this meaningful flow state within the field of meaninglessness but we don't question the meaninglessness from which we operate in the first place I have a question can i think in only questions today and I've talked before in another video somewhere that my brain doesn't really have a linear thought process at least I don't hear it I don't hear my own voice in my own head but I guess it's more amusing just to consult questions sometimes I only have a few times really but just to sort of look at them it's more a game it's more it's not really thinking oh I need to consult the questions or I won't be in flow it's more like I'm in flow and I can consult questions or not consult questions it doesn't really matter either way i was listening to matt khan and a lot of what he says is nice and i was enjoying it and stuff and he he he's had a really cool question actually he said who would you be if no one needed you and in a way that suspends the EO of it because it's like well all that is kind of false nobody needed me who would I be and I think I like that question I like because I still definitely participate in stuff the thinking it seems like it implies that somebody needs me if I'm working saying in the mental health field it's kind of like oh I can help with mental health so it implies that need so I like the question of who would I be Eve no one needed me if nobody needed me I probably i don't know if i would work in mental health i feel i work in it mostly just because that's the paradigm I was sort of put into it's like the more for genetic field of where how I was burst back into this reality I was birthed back into this reality by by going through the mental health paradigm and I surrendered to it and I just went through it when really I wanted to say screw these meds I'm taking off to California by and I probably would have never seen anybody again but I decided to stay here and just go through it so it's just the trajectory of of all of that and I feel like I could I could take it or leave it for now I'm working in it but if nobody needed me I if I felt no one needed me and that then maybe I wouldn't work in mental health but so I like that question but then i
n the talk about an hour in he started getting people to repeat stuff and I don't know I just found it really lame like it went on for like a long time I skipped ahead and it was still happening and it seemed like 10 minutes and it just seemed very pacifying I don't know like people were just getting lulled to sleep and I don't know I didn't like it gave me the heebie-jeebies actually but I do like a lot of what he has to say another question is how can I have more energy and if you think about how the ego wastes energy one thing is to not get caught in one story that's a way to not waste energy and have more energy or if I'm about to eat some kind of food that might not give me as much energy it's going to make me a little bit more aware if I'm thinking in terms of having more energy I've actually started going to bed so early lately I've been going to bed between seven-thirty and 8 30 p.m. and I've been waking up between like four and six a.m. so I still sleep a lot but it's interesting instead of going to bed like 11 and waking up at nine by going to bed at seven and waking up at five I actually feel like the days are nearly twice as long I'm not sure why but I feel like I get a lot done I feel like I have time to do the few sort of physiology practices to keep my body healthy and then shower and be ready and have lots of time and energy in the day not only that if i go to bed really early i can always make sure i get enough sleep because whether i wake up at five seven six I've had a lot of sleep and so I always have lots of energy through the whole day it's not like I wake up tired and then have to barely make it through the day the whole day and then go to bed late and repeat the same thing over and over and I find I am tired between seven-thirty and 8 30 and instead of having those sort of like lame-o hours and just sitting around doing kind of nothing at night and being tired because i was tired all day anyway i just go to bed and I sleep during that time and then it just feels like the day is so much longer it's really weird to him I've been doing it for probably about three or four weeks now and I just really I'm liking it his instead I have all these hours in the morning where I'm energetic it's just it's good i've seen stuff on the internet about people who are early risers and they're more productive and stuff and i never really tried it i only happened upon it because i had to wake up early for work for a number of days and then i had i happen to go to bed really early one night then i woke up early the next day and felt really good and so I just kept on that schedule so what happened by accident and I'm I'm liking it like right now it's five o'clock and I feel like even if I went to sleep right now for some reason I feel like I've done a lot today but and maybe it just feels like I've done a lot just because I was alive I had energy I wasn't thinking about myself and how I was suffering because I didn't have energy and if that happens all day long that's kind of a tiresome day so even if I was doing stuff I liked and I'm tired that that sucks another question I have is what would a manic person do or what would I do if I was manic it's a spontaneous state it's a fun state it's a playful state so it's just another way to sort of direct me towards embodying my mania and one of the things I've been a lot more consciously aware of in the last month or two is really about how I'm showing up somewhere and seems so obvious but just really being consciously aware of what it is I'm doing next so if I'm facilitating a group almost just consciously adjusting my energy before I get to the group so I show up exactly as I need to be for the group and that's pretty obvious but I've really been more consciously aware of that and it's had a good effect I think another one is how can I master my reality or how can I master my life and I've in the past studied a bit about mastery and self-mastery in the path to enlightenment and I feel like a person that has that manic consciousness can also work towards self mastery like mastering mania and and part of my experience in the last number of months since I was hospitalized made me really realize that I need to master myself and master this energy because I can't let it come in and say get too high or too out there and and really this is about monitoring my own energy levels you know making sure i get enough sleep just really taking care of myself in in different ways that i might have been a little bit lazy with before i guess i guess it's just being really really watchful of myself because with that energy it can turn into something else really quick so if i have that energy that extra energy and things arise in my consciousness I don't like think about them but say something arises in terms of like a past memory that's not so great if I sort of am not being attentive to that it could that energy caught up with that sort of mind virus can spin into something so I've been more watchful to not allow things to to spin into something and it's just it's just actually as simple as being aware of it and seeing it and it's not about oh that was bad it was just actually seeing it so it doesn't actually gain any momentum at all and the reason why the ego has so much momentum is we don't actually see it we don't see it as from the perspective of the seer beyond the ego the witness so we can witness it as we witness said it loses power so i just picked my finger for example and if blood right so if i thought like oh my gosh i'm bleeding and then I think of that time where there was blood on the red pepper and then I like kind of scare myself and I I get into some kind of fear mode then maybe I would be my energy would be different and that if the other energy comes in its going to feed whatever kind of energetic state that I'm in that's why it's important to really have my physiology in order and I haven't actually been eating that healthy lately and it's not really seeming to bother me at all I do want to actually eat healthier at some point one of the reasons I haven't been eating so healthy is because I did manage to accumulate a bit of debt because I was in the hospital and then I was traumatized in the hospital and then I was like keeping my stress solo because I was afraid to go back to the hospital and be traumatized again but then now i have my representation agreement and my advance directive so I feel safer so now I've definitely upped my level of work and activity so I'm paying and so when I get out of debt hopefully by the end of this year I'm then going to maybe focus again on eating a little bit healthier I haven't been eating tons of crap but I've just been eating a lot of rice with like packaged Indian food goop on it which is really delicious I would just like to eat a lot more vegetables I have been in places in my life where I eat a ton of raw food I I was a hundred percent raw vegan I was juicing every morning I was making smoothies I was making zucchini pasta I was super healthy I was 105 pounds I felt really really good and that's how i was eating actually before I went into my first manic consciousness my first extreme flow state so that's another way actually I feel to get into flow if one once again into flow is be a hundred percent raw vegan for a long period of time at least 10 months a lady victoria boot anko she's really great at explaining why raw foods are very beneficial she is a DVD called 12 steps to raw food and she talks about how cooked food is an addiction and it is in a way when I was on one hundred percent raw I didn't think about cooked food at all after a certain period of time and I had no desire to eat it whatsoever now it would probably be difficult for the first bit for me to go one hundred percent raw again and I used to be quite attached to the whole one hundred percent raw thing but now I feel like I'm not that attached to it because it's one of those things if I was one-hundred-percent raw I would be spending probably six to seven hundred dollars a month on groceries I'd be spending an hour to a day on food prep if I was juicing I could do it pretty fast so maybe like an hour and a half and just stuff like that and to me if I'm super attached to it it's kind of like reinforcing my ego too it's it's great to do it for the body but I feel like if one isn't in one's ego consciousness and super attached to things that ego consciousness being attached to things and trying an effort and force and just basically abusing oneself to force oneself into a way of being because one thinks that's the best way that's actually counterproductive because it wastes energy I talked about before how the ego wastes energy and it also changes the energy field of the body by creating the neuropeptides of sadness anger judgment self-hate and all these things and so what I'm saying is if one can sort of let go of all of that and the judgment and the one doesn't have the ego consciousness so much with all that stuff one's not wasting the energy at one's not needing perfect food nutrition in order to have energy because the energy of the universe is way more powerful if matic consciousness energy comes in I could be up for days I've never done that but if I wanted to I could be up for days I could be running a marathon all that stuff so energy doesn't necessarily come from food when we're in our ego consciousness and we need we need all that nutrition and stuff to counteract what the thinking process is doing to us so we're actually just we're literally killing ourselves with our own thoughts feelings and actions because that is just reinforcing the ego than me protecting oneself from oneself and trying to protect oneself from society which we're all apart of and we all co-created and so that's why I'm not really attached to the raw food thing anymore because it can become just another ego thing now if I just thought if I got some kind of physical health diagnosis for some reason I would probably go raw because i feel that would give my body the chance to get rid of some of the accumulated stuff but i feel when the ego is not the primary operator there's not that much more really accumulating in a way it's maybe like a freeze frame for the body so it buys a person time and that's the thing i like about just eating the rice and the indian food stuff because I just make a couple days worth of rice and i buy a couple days worth of the Indian packaged food and I just put the rice from the fridge in a pot and put the indie and stuff and stir it up I don't use the microwave I don't I can't remember the last time I use a microwave so it's really fast and right now it could be because I'm in this I've actually I'm in the state where it's really difficult to take care of myself like I can't actually imagine going to the store buying all this food prepping it up making it all nice for myself I don't know it seems weird like I don't actually remember how I did that I don't it I don't have that sense to do that if I had a lot of money I'd probably go to different places and buy their raw food and stuff and support the people out there that are trying to make him more available that would definitely be cool but right now I feel a lot more resonant with just putting stuff in a pot and stirring it up and eating it be cuz it's like this its food I'm eating I'm grateful and it doesn't need to be more than that and I feel less worried about its effect on me as I was before and it seems like the last time I was really worried about the effect on me and I was doing the completely raw diet then manic consciousness came in and I ended up in the psych ward eating psych ward food and I was no longer raw vegan and since then I haven't been a hundred percent Ravi again I did quite a bit of it for a while I know again was in good shape and and my body was good and I might go back to that but what I'm saying is is that that doesn't necessarily have much to do with one's energy so I'm more concerned about being energetic in the day with my new sleep pattern I'm energetic and the food it does zapped my energy a little bit but not huge and another thing is to I'm more susceptible to going into extreme manic consciousness so if Roth vegan food actually augments that I don't necessarily need that to be augmented I have pretty good energy and I have to watch to not have too much energy so I don't feel I need to eat super healthy because I do actually need some things to keep me grounded in reality like I do take one medication in a relatively small dose and I feel that keeps me grounded in this reality and if I didn't take it I would probably see a lot more than I already see and I'd probably get kind of upset about it and I'd also feel I want to take action on it and then I just would be a ping pong ball and this is not a ping-pong ball society it's a consider the day and schedule stuff and all that so so keeps me more resonant with that and it's interesting what I take is a heavy metal and you know it's kind of like the opposite of lightness which is kind of how one is in the mounted consciousness and it's also like a capacitor in a way because it has a positive charge and if I think that I might have extra energy going through me which is electrons which is negative charge it's kind of like keeping the electrons it's like I'm more of a capacitor than just like diffusing all the energy all the time so I don't know if that's true what can I create today oh that's the other thing is today I had breakfast and I'm hungry but I've been drinking juice from costco all day because tomorrow i'm going to write the Mensa test I think it's just more funny than anything else and I don't think I'm going to pass but I figured since digestion takes up like seventy percent of energy if I don't eat the rest of today as well as tomorrow up until the test maybe I'll be a little bit more clear and I would just think it's funny if I passed and I don't think I will maybe one day I will but never tried it's just one of those things that of like i'll try and they have their like friends and family discount on or something so it's like 30 bucks which isn't that much so little thing is kind of funny that's all because the Mensa test is actually kind of opposite to what I'm saying with this whole manic consciousness Mensa IQ is sort of the way of thinking of the training of society and and I don't think my brain really works like that anymore would be interesting to think of like intelligence as this like vast expanse of possibilities and then the Mensa IQ is like this one little thing and I'd like to imagine that my brain maybe encompasses all of it including the little Mensa thing but if I don't pass then it might mean that Mensa is just too narrow-minded and maybe my brain can't really focus in on that and either way I don't give a crap what can I create today what is my contribution what is my gift what is my service these most of these questions are about how I need to be or what can I give what can I share what can I help with how can I be of service it's not about you know how do I get this little pleasure met that's so boring what can I do to help another today how do I share where I'm at and lead by example how do I be my best self in service of humanity is my service to humanity to be my best self and that might be true and that's the thing is the questions are kind of warped but because I feel like to be ones best self is one service and you don't have to do anything and that's the thing in the manic consciousness state just being that version of oneself is the doing there's no conscious thinking of trying to do something other than what one is in the moment responding to the moment exactly as the moment needs and so these questions are kind of weird because they're almost like I need to do something but they're not about okay I'm going to go do that it's just about opening up the brain cells of awareness it's more about scrambling the ego with something else utilizing words in a different way than the repetitive inner critic it's using words to maybe break up the words of the inner critic because we're being used by our words we're being used by words in general and I might have said that's in a different video that we're being sent in to a life sentence of other people's sentences most of the things that we think we got from somebody else like somebody said oh you're too fat or too thin or your to this and that sticks in our brain it goes on repeat so it's just from somebody else a lot of it we didn't actually think of ourselves and then we're poisoning ourselves with it literally these thoughts are actually changing our physiology and they're literally killing us and then as we walk around in this I'm killing myself state we are killing other people at the same time another question is what can I see what is possible to see what else can I see and we're so used to seeing the same thing every day that we don't see anything at all we've become habituated to it and it's there but it's not there and it disappears so we're actually making things disappear until we're living a life where we don't even really like years will go by and be like what has even happened like nothing's really happened in these years but it's just because we're in this habituated process then people say oh 30 days to create a new habit the process of habit itself is flawed work we turned ourselves into a bunch of habits and we think we just need to create new habits we don't ever see beyond the habit we don't say what else can I see what else is there and the answer is everything else besides this but we just don't see it because we don't know there's something else to see and actually in the DVD masks of madness by dr. Abrams offer he talks about how he said I camera but it wasn't and say seventy or eighty percent of mental illness is a perceptual disorder it's a disease or a trouble of seeing and and we usually see with our thoughts but we're not really that's not true seeing and when when I think about the states that I've been in where where I'm kind of in a psychosis and stuff its thoughts and its images so though my brain doesn't normally operate that way it can come in and take me over and nearly kill me and that's when I really see how dangerous that stuff is it's really so dangerous but we don't see it that way and so that's the thing I've been more aware of and not humoring like I might have before and that's if something comes into my mind arises in my consciousness that even resembles that I just kind of like not now that's not happening now that's not what's happening right now and and not allowing that to spiral at all not even 21 Association not even one Association at all another question I have is is it that people just want to be heard and I've another thing I've been sort of noticing recently is that a lot of times I have the urge to speak and like and share and everything and and I feel like I have a lot to say but I've been erring on the side of really listening to people and giving other people the opportunity to speak not that I didn't before but now I'm erring on the side of I will say nothing and if there's if I'm facilitating a group or something and I could share an example or I could say what do you think I say what do you think and give other people a chance to be heard because I can speak on videos to myself and and by doing that I'm sort of releasing that energy of speaking and then in my daily reality where I'm in the relational mind aspect of myself I'm I'm being more receptive and I feel like that's changing my energy from having you know the urge to speak and this isn't even an urge like my ego this is that energy in that that flow it's it's changing the flow slightly to to just receiving then flowing with others so being so empty that I have nothing to say and maybe I do have stuff to say but it's n
ot it's not pre-planned at all in that I have no intention going into the interaction and that gives more space for whatever to arise that needs to arise and that's not to say I never speak and say stuff I do but I'm people want to be heard I've wanted to be heard because of some of the things that I've gone through with the system and stuff but i guess i'm translating that to video by talking to myself and then just going about being with people in a little bit different way have a question what pitches can i throw to the universe today and I heard that first said in a documentary called maybe it was called thoughts or things or something I can't remember what it was it was something about thoughts and the guy talked about how do you sort of throw pitches to the universe you know eventually you'll sort of hit a home run or something and and it's just kind of like putting things out there and and you know that's more like whoa if I thought of sending an email to somebody to open a line of communication I could do that and who knows what that'll lead to another concept of kept with me for years is the concept of having the universe on my side and so something kind of goes downhill I think well I need to get the universe on my side so that means i have to up my game and do a bit better in reality and the universe will be back on my side and I'm not saying that's true but it's kind of a fun game it's more fun than oh the world owes me something and I'm gonna whine and cry about stuff it's more okay I got to do something so i might even do something like donate twenty dollars to a charity online just to be like to put that intention out there okay universe like yeah and and it kind of goes in line with what i was talking about boat and body and ones mania and worldcentric consciousness and we're all one sort of like acknowledging that we're all one so it doesn't matter if i give away twenty dollars to a charity it's the same as giving it to myself i have a question about how can I motivate others to be their best self and I have no idea if these videos are gonna do anything like that but I'm not trying to actually teach anything per se or say oh you have to do this or you have to do that I just feel like creating a lot of dialogue with myself is just creating contexts it's sort of the context is sort of the place from which we see things and the content is the particular stuff in which we see and I'm not talking about the content the particular step I'm talking more about the context and actually maybe changing the way we see a little bit not saying see this way but by saying look at sort of the look at how we normally define seeing and thinking and talking about it in so many different ways that it might open us up to see it in a slightly different way I don't know if that's true but there's a quote by wayne dyer that says when you change the way you look at things the things you look at change and there's another quote by somebody it's saying it's not in some something but it's in having new eyes and there's another quote about how something will kaleidoscope of our mind and the world's the ever adjusting picture of our moving thoughts or something so there's a lot of quotes about the seeing itself and and just having new eyes and that's the thing it's not about oh do this step one step two step three we love that we love yeah just tell me what to do and I'll do it it's about seeing just changing the way one actually sees and experiences life like do we see it through the ego process or do we see it as we are it and we're just seeing and and in if there's that shift there's nothing to do what random acts of kindness can I do today I'm big on random acts of kindness and the thing with these videos too is that at some point I think when I I start working a little bit less I need to I want to move into actually doing more of these things instead of like seeing them and and and seeing and understanding them but it's another thing to to move into that way of being and I'm wondering if that will make me go into manic consciousness because partly having my little habitual routine keeps me habituated to this more of a genetic field of society and I'm wondering if I go out and I'm actually in the relational mind if I'm you know changing things by being a bit of a positive social contagion with spontaneous social behaviors a pattern interrupt a cognitive dissonance creator a heart resonator I'm not sure what that will do so I'm being a bit cautious about that but I'm hoping by the time I actually put these videos out there if I do at all that I will be embodying my mania that i will have created a mattock lifestyle design at least a couple of days per week and and perhaps even be having some of these dialogues with people out and maybe recording them as well and and going from there so yeah it's it's kind of it's kind of funny to put all this video stuff together and then just be kind of sitting here like a lump on the couch but that's not to say I don't do stuff during the day I do but it's a little mechanical how much can I smile today I can't remember where I heard it but somebody said that one of the therapies for bipolar disorder is just to smile for 20 minutes a day and that again is how the physiology and our posture and her gesture even the gestures of our face how we hold our face actually changes things inside ourselves so smiling is important it may be helps and there's more to it with that whole laughter yoga thing I tried it once it was kind of funny and I think it would help people for sure and one thing I would like to create more of my life is laughter when I lived in a mental health community and I worked at an office after that it was like a four year probably three year period of time that I was laughing my butt off every day no merous times and that produces oxytocin which creates epigenetic changes which changes the physiology of the body and it's healing so just as the flow state was healing for Stephen coulter i think the laughter state and the oxytocin state is very powerful for healing as well especially for being healing sort of mentally and living on my own and stuff it's not as funny how can I positively impact others I love positively impacting others if I have some kind of little thing that I do and it comes up in conversation and they take it on and then like wow I just love that I just want people to be healthy and happy I actually just get so thrilled when people make positive changes in their life I don't have that whole like envy or jealousy thing going on it's such a waste and a poison to oneself and another thing is what are my possibilities and my potentialities that's really important because mounted consciousness is a state of seeing possibility everywhere and the possible becomes probable and once these possibilities everywhere one looks so many possibilities one can predict the future of every path one sees because one just extrapolates to infinite possibility and so by again asking the brain to open up the possibilities it's opening the brain up to that extra energy to that manic consciousness which is the power of the universe which animates us and directs us and moves us in the ways that it has designed us to be naturally and that energy takes us over and it dissolves temporarily the false ego structures and the ego structures that that reside in our cellular memory in our muscle memory and our muscle tension in our contortions of how we hold ourselves and that just comes in and breaks it all up and shows us all of what's possible and then poof would come back to this regular state of consciousness with a huge hangover and think how can I ever get back to that it was so powerful and so huge it was so immense and there's nothing we can do to get back there except for everything or nothing but just by being open to possibility and the ego is the known it's collapsed wave function it's it's not even what's happening it's illusion but the ego prevents us from seeing our possibilities you know the deepest depression I've experienced that is like no possibilities can't see anything possible for one's life ever can't even see the possibility of getting off the couch not even knowing what to do it's so impossible and the opposite end is mania where everything's possible and everything's possible for everyone and one sees that so again it's about seeing depression we see nothing and mania we see everything and so it's about that from that level that we're seeing and so asking about possibilities how can I be unconditionally loving that one's easy and difficult it's easy to not be judgmental but it's easy also to spot the ego and and seeing its falseness feels like a judgment and seeing how it makes people suffer feels like a judgment and it's I don't know about that one krishnamurthy s question is is there a totally different way of living and that to me is manic consciousness and spontaneous social behaviors what would it take to get the world to shift from competition to cooperation and collaboration how do I invite more synchronicity into my life and I feel synchronicity is somewhat synonymous with mania as well and the thing with synchronicity is one has to be prepared to follow it to act on it if one sees synchronicity was like a I'll get to it later it's over so I guess part of me once I do venture out and I and I more in synchronicity I feel like I'll be in more flow with the universe in my actual daily living as opposed to sort of in it and out of it at the same time so so perhaps I'm I'm preparing myself to enter back into synchronicity and and just making a little bit of effort to again be effortless because the effortless is when we don't feel ourselves
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to take up some kind of experience in order to get into the flow is actually escapism if it doesn't have a value and daily life it doesn't really have that much value the universe doesn't care about our little story going on in our head and that story and stuff going on in our head is actually what blocks us from being in communion with the universe the universe is not words it's words that separates us from the universe they talked about how flow increases productivity that's wonderful but at the same time we need to think about what are we producing and maybe some of the more productive flow moments are actually when we're producing something in alignment with what we're designed to produce by the universe and we wonder why we're not in flow look at what most people are doing with their lives there's a cog in the machine of society producing crap that we probably don't need to fulfill some kind of pleasure because we're dulled out by the ego thoughts because we're doing stupid crap so maybe it's a lot about the design of society as well and and I feel like through our programming I feel like through our programming we've been taught to stop learning for ourselves we don't know how to actually learn if we were always learning we would naturally be flowing we would be flowing from learning to learning and I feel like flowing is in not knowing because the ego is the one that knows it's the known it's the stuff we're thinking about that we already thought about before I'm kind of attached to that for some reason now when that is gone something else can come in to place and that's just the natural way that we actually learn as human beings which we had when we were young so again all this flow stuff is kind of like I feel there's got to be some kind of feedback to inform the system of education not to program kids out of flow in the first place then we won't need all these fancy contraptions we have the most fabulous contraption in the entire known universe the human body and brain and yet we're like looking around for some other contraption like oh where is it where is it it's our own GD brains for God's sakes I don't know why we don't see that is because we're always talking about ourselves in our head and it has nothing to do with anything our own personal story is a groove in our brain and it actually makes us decay over time it wastes our energy waste our vitality contorts our body and we wonder why there's like brain disease now where people start losing their neural connections and the brain breaks down if we take the entire globe and then a person just decided to run around a 400-meter track and field track their entire life that track would wear down and they'd probably be 10 feet into the ground and there'd be a groove there and they wouldn't have any knowledge or any experience of the rest of the entire world well that's kind of like what thinking along the same lines is all the time is that we only see what we're thinking and you know we kind of think we're seeing everything else because we have this vision we open our eyes or ears are open we can hear stuff but we're really not seeing eye I don't even know if it's true but something like the the brain fills in like fifty percent of the visual field so we're not really seeing that much it could even be more that it fills in it fills in conversations and maybe it has to fill it in because we're actually not in the moment if we were in the moment maybe it would have the capacity to not need to fill stuff in and kind of like play tricks on us in order for us to get through the day and who knows if that's true and if you think about society this is a society that we've created because we're not in flow this was not created by human beings in flow in natural play creativity laughter bonding that's not how the society was created and then we wonder why we're not in flow well society's not really created that way and even you think about people that have these like spiritual experiences or mystical experiences a lot of times is because they go travelling start experiencing something else or their kind of inflow they're not inhabit they're not in routine and they have these like oh like all experiences and so in that way if we're all in our little habit routines in society it's pretty hard to imagine that we're going to go into a flow state I actually went into manic consciousness after spending three weeks in California I had no plans I ate a hundred percent raw vegan I didn't do anything I didn't listen to any music I just sat at the beach a bit went to the farmers markets had food talked to a few people made some friends very very little key didn't go any fast moving vehicles I took the train there and I'm the train back and that was it for the fast moving vehicles and I came back and I was an absolute wonder of the entire world even though I was back in my my regular habitat but then it got kind of messy because I I bounced up against you know old elements of things and then I guess maybe that brings the Eagle back in with the the memory and the recognition I can imagine if I had complete amnesia of it for some reason it wouldn't it wouldn't affect me in that way but sometimes I actually feel like I am gonna forget who I am because I feel like I'm naturally kind of in a flow but I have enough of a routine to keep me as me that's like the ego bit that I need to survive in the society and I don't know if that's true but I actually feel for myself it's more like staying out of hyper flow of mania I think mania is like hyperspace flow because I was there for like two months wasn't just 10 minutes and I didn't ask for it and I couldn't turn it off and so for me it's more like staying out of that and also having a bit of routine so then I stay out of that too but I can imagine if I just sort of like walked off and just walked just kept going like day by day have had some point I'd be like I'd have no concept that I was like who I was I don't know if that's true or not but I stay here you know my family wants me I want to hang out with my family and stuff you know and I and I like to say that my the medication I take keeps me grounded in this reality that we all share cuz it dulls me down it slows me down makes me a bit less flowy so I'm kind of like well I'd probably be in super hyper speed if I wasn't taking that and reality's not designed for that it's not designed for hyperspeed brains it's a that makes people uncomfortable and I was like well you're happy and you're you're energetic and you have lots to say and shares they go that makes me uncomfortable because I'm thinking about stuff comparing you to how everyone else is and that's not normal who wants to be normal my gosh like.oh so funny how people are so often critical of like not people that don't fit in the box then people in the box or the ones like I get me out of this box and like spend all this money on like personal growth and spiritual development and retreats and flow this stuff and then really they're aspiring to be kind of a crazy person and they don't even know it so maybe they should just talk to crazy people and ask what are the secrets and maybe if crazy people and so-called normal people collaborated we could co-create a world where we were all feeling wonderful and not having to live in boxes and that's the thing that I think a lot of people who go into this manic consciousness this worldcentric consciousness come back with visions of how the world could be as well as how it kind of already is but we don't see it it's right there it's the unseen realm that can be made seen like that we just don't really realize it we don't realize that light creates matter it's not actually matter isn't the most fundamental thing and they're probably realizing at that they're probably realizing that but you know science is like so many years behind if we could actually just clear our minds of our egos and actually just look around we would just see it for ourselves it would be quite self-evident and we don't need science and scientists to tell us how it actually is because we can actually see how it actually is we can actually see the unseen and that's the thing they talked about they talked about pattern recognition and predicting the future as part of the characteristics of flow now one of the scariest things in manic consciousness is sometimes at certain points one can see the future and one can see the future everywhere one looks so if I look to the right I can see the future of that trajectory if I look to the left I can see the future of that trajectory to the very end and not just for myself maybe for people that I know as well or for humanity in general and it's very terrifying and then when one gets into a state of terrifying pneus it's kind of over one can't really stay in that manic consciousness if one is terrified and then that bring that starts the process of coming back to ego consciousness which is usually quite the journey it's like a hero's journey to save oneself to actually get back to ego consciousness to relate to other people and it's generally supposed to be that's supposed to I'm have something to share I had a visionary experience la-dee-da but no it's you're mentally ill and shut up so all of this energy of people having these visionary experiences which are probably overlapping and congruent and would co-create something different probably a reality where we could all flow where we wouldn't have to be sitting and researching like oh how do we get into flow it would just sort of happen but people in that consciousness who flow with the universe and get messages from the universe you know they talk about flow with pattern recognition in mania it's like even beyond flow and there's pattern recognition to the extent that one understands exactly how everything works in the universe and it's self-evident you know like people might study for 20 years to know what somebody learnedÂ
in five minutes yet it's kind of it's difficult to translate that into linear terms when one comes back and most of the time people don't because they're told they're just ill or we don't have the context to really nurture a person through that it's really like a transformation and people aren't nurtured in that I really feel that that would be a more you know a more helpful way to actually utilize this flow research has actually helped the people that go into hyperspace flow insane flow and come back and who are stomped on and suppressed and medicated instead of these like friggin fat CEOs who want to make a million dollars by by increasing people's productivity five hundred percent it gives a about this the people who go into the flow consciousness naturally bring messages from the universe on how to help the whole entire planet like not just one little ego and their little flow and you know they want to write a book in five minutes or something like who gives a crap so the pattern recognition one can look at a flower and just like totally understand that flower and and they they talk about future prediction I'm guessing in terms of like guessing which way the wave is going to go so they can flow with the wave so that's kind of like 10 second future prediction maybe I'm not sure how long in advance they're talking in terms of future prediction when they're talking about their flow research but you know people go into these states of consciousness where they can predict stuff a hundred years from now or 10 years from now and if somebody says something about it in that state they're called delusional what but they don't really because the person doesn't understand where what it is that a person is is seeing and so I feel like that's why this manic consciousness is even beyond flow because it's not personal it's not for personal gain it's not just riding a wave for an hour it's actually being in that state for a long long period of time and seeing patterns happens for sure and it happens longer than just 10 seconds in front it happens one can see the pattern all the way back to the past to one can extrapolate things back and have a sense of knowing and you know it's not even a time thing all time is now it's a quantum process I don't know much about quantum physics but I watch this video about how they're developing quantum computers and and how during the computation there's multiple possibilities and then they have to do something strange to actually get the possibility they want because otherwise they might get a different possibility because there's more than one possibility at the same time well that's part of what happens I feel in the manic consciousness is there's actually multiple realities simultaneously for that person and in that way that person is kind of a a warp zone for for collapsing the wave function of whatever the possibility is they talked about something like 16 combinations now in that state that energy state is timeless it's like that quantum state where the person is actually going through the process of collapsing the wave function and now for me for example one of my possibilities was I could be dead I thought I'm dead and then I thought I'm a homeless person and I never was born and I'll wake up from a hangover and my life never happened and I'll wake up as a homeless person and forget I was ever this person that I am now in this experience and then I thought I'm I had an experience where was at hospital and I saw these babies come out at the same time like out of the door with the moms and i thought those are all me so it was like and those are the possibilities of my next life or something I'm gonna die so I saw like all these different possibilities and you know then there was like a conspiracy possibility and there's all these things like happening at the same time I even experienced like a bird flying south and then how the wave function got collapsed in the end instead of me being dead or whatever I even had some weird other ones that I won't talk about but I'd up just being a mental patient and it wasn't like it wasn't the best resolution but it was the one that sort of explained away everything else and kept my family happy kept me alive sort of disconnected me from that experience so I had to kind of struggle my way back into fitting in with society instead of how it was very disconnected from it at that point because i was in this like lost quantum state and so I felt like wow the resolution to all those possibilities was I'm a mental patient and I went through the psych ward and I came out it was very difficult and I'm a mental patient and I thought okay that's fine with me it's better than being dead I guess and so I really feel like there's something going on in that like I feel like we create reality and sort of like from the inside out we create reality and so if we have all these weird reorienting experiences internally and we're in this powerful flow state in the quantum state we're actually rearranging the fabric of reality but when we come out we collapse the wave function around being a mental patient it just creates more mental patient stuff unfortunately and there's somebody right now doing a campaign for coming out of the spiritual closet and and these are people that maybe had it different spiritual experiences and may or may not have been interpreted as mentally ill but I think that's great and I think it still relates to the possibility of interpreting oneself as special you know and seeing oneself as special is an ego thing and so to have gifts or not it's kind of like whatever and in my different states i had some weird experiences of of different maybe gifts of of accelerated energetic consciousness and I didn't really want them you know they're kind of squeaky and I think they produce misunderstanding too I just saw something that wasn't there has really had to get all this stuff out about flow even though I'm not a flow researcher i would say i live in the flow dojo of life and my life's not exactly dot design for flow and that's maybe a good thing because flow one hundred percent of time is not convenient so flow has nothing to do with what the ego creates and i think that's part of it the protective mechanism of flow flow is this magical sort of state where it's felt as magical because the ego isn't magical so when it's not there it feels kind of magical now it's not really magical it's just kind of natural but we can conceptualize it as magical after the fact because our ego is back and we're thinking oh I want that back I want that that memory of that state of freedom back but but the trouble is that the flow state is not the ego the ego needs to sort of be dissolved so if a person is very egoic or wanting the flow for eco it gains it's not sustainable and so it'll be taking a lot of energy to get into this flow whereas it's actually when the ego disappears one has the extra energy and is in flow and it doesn't take energy to get into flow it's actually the wasting of the energy through the ego that's negating flow because it's almost like the flow energies coming up it's getting scrambled by the ego whereas if it you can think of the prefrontal cortex is here and the thoughts are happening and they're racing around racing around the energy comes up as a bomb while it's not flowing it's not so the energy is there just get scrambled and wasted by the ego and you know when the egos thinking it's creating neuropeptides that are you know getting the body and we have a bad thought we're like in the bodies in the neuropeptides and then we have a good thought on the car and we're doing this all the time ooh and it's just wasting energy and if it's making those neuropeptides of anger and jealousy and hate it's not going to have the energy to make the neuropeptides they talk about a better in the flow state which was the ananda my the dopamine the norepinephrine the tryptamine and the serotonin and and they even gave the names of the analogous exogenous things we like to intake in order to give us those pleasurable things like they said serotonin is sort of the internal version of MDMA and again we have all these internal ones and they say the internal ones are much more powerful than these external ones so anything that we perceive outside for our own pleasure like watching a TV show is actually wasting it and we're not making these internal things because we're not in flow because we're an ego consciousness and the ego is so annoying that we need to pacify it and when we're pacifying it we're doing the pain pleasure thing which is not flow and another congruence I thought of was how in manic consciousness one is very playful in some of it and it's a playful state and play is how we learn so it's a very hyper learning state and I talked in a different video about how it's almost like it blows up the neural plasticity of the brain the connections and and helps to make new connections just like what happens in a young child's development well if you think about flow of the extreme sports adventure athlete people they're basically in a state of play as well and they're in a state of play in their learning of that skill so they've learned a very playful skill and they've learned to play and they've made their life all about play or quite a bit and so flow goes with play and we're meant to play as human beings we're designed to play we grow up playing and then we stopped playing and then we stopping and flow and we wonder why so I don't necessarily think a person has to be an extreme athlete in order to be playful and that's the thing too is a playful state as often a social thing like connecting with other people and that's the thing too is I think flow is worldcentric and it's it's we based so a person in their sports they're sort of like one with the universe and even though they're not being like very we there at least not being ego versus ego and you know they're not participating in the ego game they're playing their own game they're playing and so they're in flow and they're in play so I just I'm trying to make this equivalent in a way to just getting playful and not necessarily well I better take up snowboarding down the steepest mountain in order to be in flow because that's just more escapism unless that's exactly what somebody wants to do and that is their flow why not but to think that everybody has to take up an extreme sport or put their body through this extreme thing to get in the flow I don't know if that translates that much longer than actually being in the contraption and at work generally we're not in the state of play so generally we're not flowing and if work was about play if it was the same then we would probably be flowing so maybe it's not so much about well how do I get in flow at work well it's like flow is play how do I make work playful it's you know just a little bit of a different question and can i make meaningless work playful and if not maybe the meaningless stuff has to go and I remember I was reading Tesla's last interview and he talked about how the whole time he was just playing with electricity and he died close to a hundred or something and he said play play play that's what he said play and he was in flow and he was enjoying himself every now and then we have an experience where we feel in awe and in those moments our self disappears if you think about the moments after that state when we realize we were just in that state we usually have more energy and that's again because the ego went away the eagle is what wastes energy and so since the ego was talking on about unnecessary stuff it's wasting energy and that wasting of energy that extra energy that it wastes is actually the energy we need to see the all things or the energy we need to be awed by just ordinary except audiences why do we need such extreme experiences in order to have the ego to be quiet like why are we putting our attention on our ego thought process at all why are we not actually looking around and actually looking around if we actually actually look around we're going to learn and if we learn something and understand something that also gives us energy and Steven talked about how his surfing got him into the flow state and that helped to heal him well surfing is play there's no reason to do it except for the thing in itself so there's no motive there's no I want this or I want that it's just the activity itself and so it's play that's what play is there's no real motive as just as Alan Watts would say to keep the game going and I think that's why the manic state is a state of play and it's actually evolutionary it's it's necessary from the universe to keep this human game going that's why I actually think that that state is part of the spontaneous social behaviors that's going to change reality and save the planet mania is playing a different game it's playing a way more fun game and the ego game is not play and it's not fun and it's a crappy game and then we can play a different game that is more like flow and we all probably need to be in a bit more flow in order to help the world and I think that's part of the thing is flow is to help the world in some way it's not necessarily it's not designed for personal gain because in the flow state there is no person there to gain and this goes along too with what I was saying about meaning it before I got back into talking about flow is that Mania is a hyper learning state and they talk about how and flow a person is like five hundred percent more productive well that goes along with the hyper learning it's a state where when the ego is quiet when it's not happening we're actually learning that talking gets in the way of actually learning anything because that talking isn't learning it's not teaching us anything new so if it's going on it's actually taking up RAM it's getting in the way of us actually perceiving and learning imagine when you have those kind of like aha moments like oh that's how you do it or Oh imagine that happening five hundred percent more because you're more perceptive you're looking around your brain isn't being taken up by these meme viruses they're just viruses of the mind they've taken over your brain you're in prison decisions are conceptualizations it's conceptualizing about reality and then picking based on those concepts and that cognition look what it's created I actually feel I had this sort of insight that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is actually society it's all of this that we've created it's all that we recognize and we know as society and all the ego stuff in with it too and like that brain structure is actually equivalent to society it's actually adapted for this society and its created this society just like a person's body that there are surfer their bodies adapted for the wave will our brains are like the exact mirror of society yet we all crave turning that aspect of our brains off which is society which is what we've created which is what we've created for each other which is what we want to pass on to our children and then at the same time we're going to pass on flow the concept of flow when flow is in a concept and it is a concept when we think about it when we're not in that state but if we're all in that state all the time there'd be nothing to think about so look at what cognition has created its created words about words about words it's created science it's created war the other thing about adventure athlete extreme people is that when they're in flow doing their thing often times not always their out in nature or and and I think human beings acknowledging nature that we are nature being out in natural structures actually promotes flow because we are nature we're not actually separate from nature we are the trees we are everything else so when we're around all the structures of society that aren't very inspiring it's not going to inspire flow all the time so if I was not necessarily a surfer but if I just went to the beach every day I might feel in that flow state and my ego might subside because I'm just in nature so that's the thing to the structure of the body in gravity being in nature the world centricity the energy the wastage of energy by the ego don't think they have to be mysteries on for the people in extreme sports so I think perhaps we have a center of gravity that is the ego thought conceptualization abstraction center of gravity version of ourselves and then the center of gravity version of ourselves which is our adjacent light body which is the flow body I actually feel to this adjacent light body when we're in flow we tap into it and we're more that light body version of ourselves and that's why we're stronger because we're more in our light body self and not our material self so in that way we kind of defy the laws of matter a bit so there's more margin for error is what I think it's a quantum state where our entire light body hologram were more that because we're not our thinking gravity ego structure and so it's almost like we can just fall with gravity on a wave and survive because we're just fluid we're more like light then we are matter and we can go into that state and I think that state happens sometimes and that explain what explains is the way some of these like suppose in miracles happen is that when we get into that state where it really is fight or flight and do or die and that's sort of the way they're studying it is like you're like right next to death our body goes into this surrender state where we're more our light body and we have maybe 16 superposition possibility versions of ourselves as the quantum calculation is happening and also to you know that person in the athlete they're just there there there with the wave there's nobody touching them collapsing the wave function around them being not in the light body state so they're almost like their own world's at that moment and then they ride the wave and they make it and they come back to like material reality where everyone else is but when they're just one with gravity in the field of gravity by themselves in that state of consciousness maybe they do it a million times and they survive and then finally one time maybe they don't survive but as possible they do survive in a different dimension you know and they just like and walk off the beach like nothing happened so I feel that's how some people feel kind of like invincible in the manic state is there more like their light body version and it's almost like if you're kind of by yourself and you don't contact anyone you are kind of invincible but once you kind of make contact and your wave function is collapsed by like a lower energy then it's hard to say what happens but and that's why I feel too when I was talking about earlier about my other possibilities of my the end of my life and being a homeless person in California and all this other stuff they could have also happened to but the one that I remember as me as my ego self is being a mental patient so I feel like it's kind of one of the ways that we never die even though it looks like we die sometimes like I had this experience where you know maybe a certain person dies in my reality but they don't actually die in their own reality so reality could kind of split so somebody dies a certain age it doesn't mean that they're necessarily dead because they could have kept going on as their light body self and that could have almost been like molting a skin like just kind of shaking off that skin and then just get up and keep walking they don't even know anything happened so that's another reason why I thought that okay I'll be a mental patient it's okay because that way I stay with everyone in my reality because I had these senses that otherwise someone else am I lose in my reality and I thought no I'll be a mental patient it's fine just let me be here with all the people that I care about in this existence so it's interesting that research is from the level of ego thought and abstractions trying to explain something that is beyond the ego itself and that requires the ego to sort of go away and be quiet in order to make it happen so in that way we can sort of describe the state but that description of the state is not the state and it's sort of pointing to the state but it's not the state itself and if somebody was actually in the state they wouldn't necessarily be thinking about all the characteristics of the state if they started doing that it would probably make it stop and people can describe it after the fact but describing it after the fact isn't the fact it isn't the state and this researching about it actually reminds me kind of about how Albert Einstein said we cannot solve today's problems by the same level of thinking that created them so the research about it is kind of like the same level of thinking that creates all the other problems in the world but the solution is actually the state itself so the solution isn't the research about the state itself but it is possibly the state itself and so again people that go into manic consciousness and go into that state are actually kind of the solution and then they're kind of medicalized after the fact because people looking and observing it don't understand it from the outside looking in because they're looking from the lens of ego thought they're looking from the lens of consistency so I'm tempted to get the book the rise of Superman even though I stopped reading because I just I find it really interesting congruence ease to that other state and from personal experience being in the state of mania actually made me feel kind of like Superman and the book is the rise of Superman and I feel like the universe can make us rise as Superman there's nothing exactly we can do to get it because the doer is the ego and anything we try to do moves us away from that because it's not a state about trying and we can't really look for that state because we are that when we're not conceptualizing about ourselves and making abstractions about ourselves we are that we are that happening without talking about it or thinking that we are that happening it just happens we can't make it happen this may be certain things we can do a little bit to to invite it but it's actually our natural way of being and it's more about seeing the things that are in the way of us being that way naturally and it's not about doing something about it it's about just seeing it so if you really see how this structure of thought is in the way and how much turmoil and distress it creates maybe one can just drop it when there's no you as the ego it's there but then who's the one to know as soon as we know it's over I think we have to get good at gravity so the way we carry ourselves in space because that is respecting ourselves and the law of gravity in the laws of nature and people who are the extreme adventure athletes definitely have to respect nature the laws of nature the law of gravity or they're dead and even though on a daily basis we don't sense that we need to do that over time we definitely do because we can either be in a wheelchair peeing our pants or still up and walk in and doing great depending on how we respect gravity and our body within the field of gravity so almost each day each moment of each day is really like riding a hundred foot wave and it makes sense too because in flow we don't sense ourselves we don't we're not thinking about ourselves so the ego is gone well if we are in pain or hunched over or muscles hurt because we're not respecting gravity or we haven't been for a very long time we're going to feel ourselves more we're going to be thinking about ourselves more so that's actually going to get in the way flow so people who are extreme athletes might actually be able to flow more because they're not feeling their body so somebody that can ride 100-foot wave broke their leg well they really really feel their body now and they're not going to be able to flow because they're not going to be able to ride the wave because their leg hurts so there's something to almost making the ego completely imperceptible and also making the body imperceptible because it we notice it when it hurts and and we notice our ego because something is hurting so it's how are we going to be in flow if we're suffering that obviously doesn't make any sense and to go with the laws of nature and the laws of gravity there are probably laws of just being human that would get us into more flow than not and I feel like flow is a worldcentric thing like mania and worldcentric means we and it means not thinking about oneself it means oneness and when we say smile at another person that activates the mirror neuron system and and so you know we recognize these things and these are just natural parts of being human and it's alert it's a and it's a universal language and this is the language of body language and gesture the language of other than words so we have the words infecting our minds and then maybe we forget to use the language of humanity like smiling or we're giving someone a hug or just kindness in general I feel those things would actually create a lot more flow because one's not thinking about oneself if one's giving the gift of a smile one's not thinking about oneself as much per se so I think worldcentric activities actually would get one into flow or so and in the context of what I was talking about earlier in different videos is that you know those things are part of embodying one's mania or actually get mnemonic traits that one experiences in nacido mania embedded in one's neurophysiology and instead of you know and I guess that would go with as one does those gestures it's going to change the neurophysiology which would change maybe gravity's effect on the body so not just having it embodied that way as practiced which is one thing to have it in in the neurons as practiced rates also to have it in the musculature so then it is proper alignment with the body in the field of gravity and and you could think of it in the way of actually having your posture in line and you could also think of it in terms of having your gestures in line how you reap at in reality with your hands we have all these gestures for technologies and touch screens and and swipe and tap and all this but we forget to use our gestures of how we pattern reality through our own physical apparatus and that's more powerful than anything else so I actually feel like it's not just about posture and gravity but it's also about how we use our body in space and how we reach out and how we approach people and that helps to repattern reality and change the social fabric and that actually might change the social fabric around Flo so if you think of the social fabric and how it's the ego thought structure of me mind what can I get from you competition that's not a flowy structure at all that's like this but if we had cooperation and collaboration any more like a dance Abby it would be a flow so it's it's partly up to us to repattern reality in such a way that will promote this flow because I've been talking a lot in previous videos about people who experience manic consciousness embodying these traits so when that extra energy comes in one can actually translate that it we already have those gestures and things practiced and it's more we can it's about actually being able to not burn out with that energy as in overloading our circuits now every most other people have the opposite problem where they're all numbed out and doled out well if they started as a dull doubt person doing some of these gestures and carrying themselves that also would change the social fabric because i think the manic traits and the manic energy is the spontaneous social behaviors that buckminster fuller talked about and so people who are so-called normal can do that too in order to change the fabric to be more like flow and we can do that with gestures we have mirror neurons we learn from each other in that way we can create positive social contagions of flow we can make it real in reality it's already real we can enter it at any time it doesn't require time doesn't require practice we can enter that and since we can enter it at any time imagine for example if we all entered flow at the same time we'd create a different universe we create a different world if we're all operating flow and we're five hundred percent more productive as they say we would create much differently much faster and we'd have to cooperate because if we're all buzzing around five hundred percent faster we'd have to cooperate even more and that's the thing to we've gotten to a point in humanity where we really do need to cooperate and I think the flow energy is part of cooperation and collaboration it's not really something as much that's designed to be like this product it's our natural birthright and it's been taken away from us through our education our schooling and our conditioning from our families and passed down through generations and we just don't know we we've been made blind and so this is really about you know restoring our eyesight this is like laser surgery for the eyes the inner eyes on the mind screen I think there's different laws of daily living that would allow us to be in flow by the way we live our lives daily right now is not a flowy way of being I actually think mania is the energy designed to free ourselves of ourselves of our ego and they talk to you about the performance enhancing chemicals of the flow state and there was five of them which I name before I think and I actually feel like it's not so much that those are performance enhancers is that our normal biochemistry is performance dollars I don't think we're actually designed to be that dull and drone like and monotonous and habitual and then you know we have these flow State and then they're thought to be like magical with all these performance-enhancing chemicals I think that's our natural state and the ego inner critic stuff and other things create the bio chemicals that block and waste the molecules necessary to create those so-called performance-enhancing chemicals I actually don't really think they're necessarily performance-enhancing I think that's how we're designed to be where human beings were supposed to be marvelous if you imagine a child in all its majesty if it was never conditioned into monotony how would it really be and would there be any concept of anything other than flow flow wouldn't be a concept it's a concept because of the society we've created how have we been conditioned to perceive a world that makes us create the neural chemicals of dullness and boredom and pleasure seeking and so then they can turn around and sell us something that's going to solve the problem how do we get such a dull minds by going to school it actually stops us from learning because we start memorizing and clogging up our brain with a bunch of there's the biochemicals of thinking about ourselves but being stuck in our boring life story in our own head and then there's the biochemicals of being one with the universe and having very little self concept at all if somebody thinks I want to increase my performance that's the ego talking and that's a very thing that's getting in the way of enhanced performance and it's the actual thing that's dulling performance and preventing the natural state of enhanced performance from being there and I was thinking about the precognition thing and being one with the universe and the ego-self being not there which means there's just the actuality of the human being the happening without conceptualization and the conceptualization is the ego which is the prefrontal cortex and then they talked about precognition so it's like sort of thought before thinking about it or a decision before being aware of it but to me precognition is actually the real cognition and it's the calculation or the happening when the body and the universe and the mind and the heart are all one so there's no division there's no cognition and precognition there's just that whole process of one thing happening it's only when we think back that we're aware that it happened we're aware of that it happened as the ego as the ego thinking back on its experience because it decided to record that state as a memory the thing too is the more that one goes into this flow state or say manic consciousness the more one realizes that there's nothing to memorize because to try to remember the state prevents it from happening again and it's actually not that special it's our natural state so we could pretty much be there all the time and not really know it or think about it because we're just there all the time but if we have it for a few minutes then we think oh we got to get it back oh I had it for two minutes now how to performance now had it for five minutes and I want to remember the feeling so I can get it back well as soon as we remember the feeling it's more difficult to get it back because we're actually trying to get a specific feeling when we don't necessarily know if it is that feeling it could be different every time because as soon as the ego looks back at it and said well that was flow well then it has classified it and it's no longer that because it's conceptualizing about that state so what I'm saying is the more one goes into that state the more one just forgets about it and just lots of be it's just whatever it's not really that exciting anymore it's just it's just actually seeing an understanding and learning it's just actually really being restored to being able to learn it's not really that miraculous and a lot of people too they feel at least initially it's like this big spiritual experience and that's understandable because it's just so foreign it feels just so like wonderful because it's like tasting a candy after not having candy for 10 years or something and it tastes really good but you know if you had candy every day it wouldn't be that big a deal so I think too that after realizing flow was just kind of the natural way to be it's not really something to write home about I mentioned before our people mania I think I want to get back to that wonderful feeling well I only have the super wonderful feeling the very first time and then the next time a bit and then now it's just turned into more like super perception learning understanding pattern recognition future prediction all those like flow things so it's toned down from being sort of X to see to being just learning just and learning is ecstasy like it's and it doesn't have to feel ecstatic per se it's just we're designed to learn we're designed to play we're not designed to be these monotonous drones thinking in circles and and then we wonder why we're kind of like bored and numb but yeah I fundamentally think it's actually learning and probably other stuff too but so again cognition i think is false the ego is not real it's an illusion and as soon as we're back in cognition and thinking about something that means flow is over and so to call one precognition and one cognition is actually a little bit incorrect in my view because the type of processing that happens in flow where mania is something fundamentally different it's not of the ego it's different processing all together to call it precognition actually makes it sound like something less than in a way and it's something greater than and cognition is actually like a raisin compared to the mountain of the state of flow and mania cognition is delay as soon as we've thought about something we've made an abstraction it's already happened it's too late they talked about to how flow can be addictive and and the researchers said autotelic which was their fancy word for addiction meaning it's sort of fulfilling within itself and I would describe mania also as being autotelic and they're saying that people get addicted to flow so maybe they do things to get in the flow they become addicted the ego gets addicted to flow what one is in flow can't be addicted to flow but the ego remembers the experience of being in flow as something other than itself as something that it once again because it was sort of relief and then by doing that this actually turns the flow state into another pleasure trap it's actually reducing the state and what it is designed for to be just another means to the end of the ego so for the ego to be addicted to flow state and the ego to do stuff to get flow back is kind of a contradiction and again that goes with what I was saying about how the ego chooses to remember about how the flow state was and then by that puts it into memory and then tries to recreate that exact thing when flow might be something altogether different it could be when you think about flow and how I feel actually one can be in flow every minute of every day flow then would be what's just happening right now and it doesn't have to be anything extraordinarily special but by the ego thinking that that's what it has to be it then has to go to extreme ends to get that back and then each time it might even become a little bit harder to get back because the egos trying to get back something that it remembered and if it's not exactly the same next time the egos like well that wasn't quite right so I must be doing something different so I'm gonna have to try harder and harder to get that back and so in that way that's just a bit of a gong show and so to me I feel like mania is autotelic in that it is fulfilling within itself and its autotelic in that the universe wants us to go into that state for us to create spontaneous social behaviors that Buckminster Fuller talked about so it's actually the universe's autotelic process and I feel that another thing with the world centricity is that flow implies flowing between something and imply some kind of relationship so a person is in relationship with nature and the wave that one is riding or one can be in flow with another human being and it's sharing and that can create flow to just sharing without motive the motive is the ego
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I'm feeling super flowy so i think i'm going to go back to talking about my own interpretation of flow as possibly an equivalent to the experience of mania now before you jump to conclusions about what i just said i have a lot of explaining to do and it's not really a linear correlation it's not exactly the same but i feel like there's a lot of congruence ease and i was listening again to a talk by Steven Kotler I think I said that right this time and everything he talks about when he's talking about flow if I would replace the word mania it's a similar experience to me so Steven Kotler has never been in an experience of mania so he wouldn't necessarily have the same realization that it's a very similar state and if it's not a similar state at least has a lot of similar underlying principles and properties so he hasn't been in the manic state to know when he's listening to himself that he's talking about something when he's talking about flow he's really also talking about the experience of mania he talks about how flow is a spectrum he talks about how there's five neurotransmitters or neural chemicals that are our part of the flow state that we make inside our brains and bodies and and he said sometimes we have partial flow states where some of the neuro chemicals or neurotransmitters of flow some of the five are present but not all of them so I'm thinking to myself that mania is somewhere on that spectrum and it could even be an experience that is hyper flow like even beyond the regular flow experience or it could be maybe having some of those neurotransmitters but not all of them and of course there would have to be some kind of studies to actually confirm the neurobiology and neurophysiology and neural electricity of people that are in mania but good luck finding them to study them because when they're in that state of flow they're just flowing with the universe and not really one to want to be subjects of study and usually a person is treated after the fact after the mania turns into something else and person is then intervened with in some way and stephen also talks about how his flow state that he experienced healed him of Lyme's disease that he was debilitated for by for three years and in my mind if you think flow States heal it's possible that manic States heal and a lot of people that go into these states have maybe a history of trauma or they went traveling or they can't sleep or some people maybe fasted all these things can put a person into that manic state and in my mind if I'm going to keep with the theme that mania is equivalent to flow in a lot of ways it's possible that the manic state is a healing state in my experience I had some trauma happen before I experienced mania a couple of months before and I was having a hard time with it and then all of a sudden my being went into a state of complete ecstasy and wonderment for over a month and if I think about how I was basically struggling with in my psyche all of a sudden my psyche was blown apart my ego disappeared and I was just in a state of childlike wonder play creativity flow for over a month that could possibly have been a healing mechanism that could possibly have been almost like I was in so much pain and suffering that my my psyche went into that state in order to sort of overcompensate for the suffering I've had for a number of months and that's just a theory but to me I'm just comparing how his flow state healed him and I think that there's some healing that happens in the manic state and again I'm not glorifying mania but at the same time there's a lot of positivity in it and it usually doesn't it usually doesn't end up positive in the end people usually crash in some way and there's a number of thoughts about why that might be so for one a person's not used to operating without one's ego and in mania it's not operate it's not operating a person's not operating from their regular consciousness where they're stuck in the repetitive story that keeps him grounded in daily reality and Jamie wheel talks about this as you know the inner critic and and the sort of going towards pleasure and avoiding pain mechanism that were usually operating in and he talks about kind of stepping outside of that and mania is definitely stepping outside of that and so what persons not used to operating in that mode at least we haven't operated that way since childhood and another reason too is that the world is not structured based on the principles that one experiences in say a manic flow state so eventually a person kind of bumps into incongruencies in reality enough to bring them kind of back now also a person's are not practiced in actually experiencing this flow state of consciousness which is a lack of personal ego for a lot of it and actually one of the things I thought of was there's a lot of it that's lack of personal ego but the trouble is that when interacting with people that one actually already knows one does have to kind of bring the ego back in to interact with those people because it's that's how we have been interacting with those people our entire life and that gets kind of garbled in with the flow stayed you know so he Steven Kotler talks about surfing and how he went surfing and that was his flow state while he knew how to surf so had he not been able to surf he probably wouldn't have gotten up to surf and he wouldn't have gotten into a flow state and it would have had no healing effect now a person that first goes into the manic consciousness they've never experienced it so it's like trying to ride a 100-foot wave on a surfboard when you've never done it before it's going to be very difficult and you know another thing too as with the ego getting confused in with the flow situation by interacting with you know say family and friends that one already knows that's like trying to ride the 100-foot wave while getting sprayed in the face with a fire hose it's just really difficult and confusing you're trying to even ride this wave but yet there's this other stream of water hitting you in the face so I feel that this manic consciousness actually takes practice to ride that wave and be in flow with that wave and not be sprayed in the face by a fire hose at the same time and then even if somebody even if somebody is in manic consciousness and they're kind of writing that 100-foot wave if you don't know how to ride the wave even if you get up on the wave you're probably going to crash at the bottom and that's sort of the equivalent to depression in a way so person if they're in the flow state riding the wave on a surfboard literally but they get sprayed in the face with a hose they're probably going to crash at the bottom of the wave and even though they were in flow they're going to have some kind of injury at the bottom so people so those sort of disturbances in the manic consciousness flow state which are like disturbances from society which society is a disturbance it's not designed for flow at all and then we wonder then we're sitting here thinking how do i get into flow when society is not designed for flow at all and they talk about transient hypo-frontality in the flow state the whole society is based on the prefrontal cortex and thinking and and cognition and deciding and and our own personal stories that we repeat in our head and as soon as we get into that story making consciousness we are thinking in terms of past present and future and as soon as we're thinking in terms of past present future we're not in the moment and if we're not in the moment we're not going to be in flow so to me a lot of the thinking about flow is actually perhaps preventing flow because it's thinking itself it's cognition itself that is actually in the way of flow and even all the scientific studies in the world about flow are still cognition about flow and they talk about how the state of flow is actually to be in a pre cognitive state sort of before the thinking and they think basically that we make decisions before we're consciously aware of the decision but in the flow there's nobody there to make a decision the one that makes the decision is an ego thinking that it's making a decision choosing between one abstraction and another the actual happening of the thing is not an abstraction that would be like saying that you know I could hold up my birth certificate and say hey I was born this proves i was born in this piece of paper but i'm sitting right here which proves i was born i'm i'm here i'm a physical human being so in a way to say that we need thought choosing between something making a decision i do we need decision to move most of our movements are not a decision if I'm speaking I'm not actually thinking I'm deciding to move my mouth in this way it's just happening and then we have this tiny little bit of our brain devoted to this supposed decision making process choosing between two thoughts and we think that the choosing between the two thoughts is what actually make something happen but it's actually the thing happens first and then the thoughts come and the choosing process after and then we think that we actually chose something and it's actually an it's like an optical illusion and it's probably one that we need because if all of a sudden we think oh we don't have free will then we would go a little bit batty but the thing is that when we realize that we don't need free will or something they're choosing to move ninety-nine point nine nine percent of our information and and stuff happening is just happening beyond conscious choice and we have this conscious choice that isn't even our own conscious choice it's programmed into us through our education in our family and it's passed down through generations and the memes are passed down through generations and then we think we're actually choosing something but we're just choosing between one illusion and another so if we're thinking about something like our past then we think oh that's bad I don't want to think that we choose something else we're thinking about the past which isn't happening now so we're not actually in the present moment so we're actually creating this time in our psyche which doesn't actually exist and then we spent all this time kind of wondering about it and stuff and then craving it not being there and then doing things by thinking about them in order for them not to be there but that same thinking is the same as the thinking that you don't want so trying to do anything about any of it is actually just strengthening it so if I'm even to think I really want to have a flow experience I need more flow how am I going to get flow the I the ego is the barrier to flow so the I ego trying to seek flow is actually avoiding flow by seeking it so it's really it's really messed up actually but once you actually see how it works if you really consider how that whole mechanism works and once you see how it works you just kind of kind of just watch it in a detached way and Jamie will talked about instead of having our awareness taken up by that sort of story mechanism of past present future about our own little history and problems and pleasure seeking and desire it's sort of a switchboard monitoring our whole organism or a dashboard he said and he didn't elaborate on that in the talk that I was watching but in a way it would be like oh like just being aware of my posture being aware of my thoughts but not trying to think my way out of the thoughts or think different thoughts or choose different thoughts and what they're talking about to and I don't know if they've studied J Krishnamurti but it's a lot of the same sort of thing in a way Krishnamurti talks a lot about thought itself as the problem not thinking better thoughts not trying to become better psychologically because all the psychological thoughts are just the same so if I think a thought he says the thinker is the thought and it took me a long time to really grasp that even though my thinking process has changed over the years to one of linear association of past present future my own personal story too i would say thoughts that arise that are more to do with the perception in the moment or you know something I need to do something I need to do isn't mixed in with oh this happened yesterday and I am this and I am that and oh I forgot my keys it's silent silent silent and nothing nothing nothing oh I forgot my keys so it just it still happens that's the thing it doesn't need to be going on all the time all this stuff in the prefrontal cortex in order for the brain to work efficiently it something else happens and it's it's it's similar but it's still very different and they talk about in flow the prefrontal cortex actually pretty much shuts down and they said they were surprised by this because we think that more brain activity actually equates to more potential or more human potential and and they're finding oh it actually shuts off and that's the part where there's the inner critic and all these things that inner critic is actually in the way of flow and the prefrontal cortex is kind of everything we've gotten from society all the programming all the conditioning all this inner critic stuff and it has nothing to do with the exact moment now so it's kind of an avoidance strategy and I talked in another video about recently I've made the correlation between mania and learning and I really think this inner critic circular thinking about not much of anything actually blocks learning how can we learn when that stuff is going on we're not really learning anything and society thinks learning is actually memorizing stuff that's not learning at all and the more we memorize it actually kind of clogs up our brain and we're actually designed to learn through play and I feel that mania is synonymous with play and creativity and flow and energy and I think this thinking process that we call like cognition is actually zapping our energy and and I had this thought too because in the in their research that they're doing for the flow Genome Project they're kind of interested in things that help bring someone in to flow in terms of physical stuff so they talked about multiple G's of gravity and something about spending people around and something else and I'm just wondering if I have a curiosity about something to do with one's own personal center of gravity so these they talk about the extreme elite adventure sport athletes and how they're able to get in flow and they've used that idea as a way to hopefully get other people into flow by making it safe for them to get their body into those extreme experiences and it's interesting because these people who these people who are the extreme adventure sport athletes their body is kind of like one with gravity in a way meaning that their center of gravity is sort of in line with the universe's gravity so if somebody is jumping out of a plane or surfing they have to know exactly how to rotate their body and move about their own center of gravity in order to do that so they've become masters of their own center of gravity and that's just my own thought and when we think of and when we think about it the people who are in those moments they're not going to be thinking about what's for dinner tomorrow when they're writing a 100-foot wave and that's the whole ego goes away and they feel flow so they need to they go about putting their body in those extreme situations in order to get into flow that takes a lot a lot a lot a lot of training in order to learn how to ride a 100-foot wave in order to do that and their body the wave is actually mapped their body the gravity of all the waves that they've ridden and their body is actually perfectly adapted to that activity which then gives them the flow experience now do we all have to be able to ride 100 foot waves in order to get our egos to shut up I don't think so and it's interesting because I actually feel that a person probably each person in a way has like a unique center of gravity everybody's would be a little bit different how they carry themselves how they walk how they talk their body shape their muscle capacity their their body composition so everybody's is a little bit different and now a child kind of has a naturally perfect center of gravity as they're growing but then as we go about life and we're contorted by the rules of society by sitting in a desk for six hours a day for 20 years or more and all these different things that are against the nature of the center of gravity of human beings so if a person developed naturally whatever that means we probably don't even know what that means because society doesn't allow for that I could imagine their center of gravity would be they would carry themselves in their own unique perfect way that was perfectly designed for how they were born and and they would they would be in their flow if they developed naturally I feel like we're born in flow we're not born with egos thinking about what happened last week that is a societal thing so for me to all this hoop law is like well why do we why don't we question why we we train kids out of flow in the first place like it's like why do we do that and I think mania is one of those compensation mechanisms it's like an elastic band you know we're held down from our natural progression of our center of gravity throughout life and then all of a sudden something releases and we spring into this manic consciousness not because it's some kind of mental illness it's actually our natural state I just feels weird and it's hard to navigate and it's hard to operate because we were conditioned out of being that way but I think with practice we can actually learn how to master that energy we're designed to be so full of energy and not wasting it through of our own ego thought processes and then wondering why we're not in flow when we're thinking about last year last year is not flow the universe is now and so if our center of gravity in my little theory that I'm making up right now was exactly how we are and I talked about in a previous video how manic being in the manic state is sort of like being in your adult child state that you would be in the energy if you would have never been moved from the natural trajectory of your of your growth as your natural growth as yourself now the ego thing things happen blocked your energy blocks your energy blocks or energy blocks your energy so something happens the ego structure sort of falls apart and you spring into mania like whoa and there's and there's all this energy because energy is not being wasted and all those things that were conditioned into doing internally that waste all our energy and when the manic consciousness energy comes in we're not wasting the energy in that way so it feels super energetic but to me that's actually our natural state I'm saying with this whole center of gravity thing as different things happen throughout life you know education sitting in a desk you know not being allowed to be who you are your family saying you should be this in life when you feel you're called to do this and you're like operating it not really as height of the level as you are designed to be as your own unique self you know maximizing the complexity of the universe which is mathematically supposed to happen but we we defy the mathematics of the universe by putting all these false constructs on a person so their tents they're thinking they're deciding if you're just you what is there to decide about like oh should I be me or should I be me you're just you're just happening to be yourself so I feel mad at consciousness is actually the flow of the universe it's a correction it's a universal correction mechanism it shows us how we are naturally and that's the thing they talk about two they talk about oh we're stronger and flow we're more coordinated were more this one more that in mania I'm stronger I'm taller I'm more flexible I more a
gile all of those things and it's just a click it's not oh I have to practice so it's a natural state that we have within ourselves and it's more natural than what we think of as our daily life as natural because those are conditioned habits and programs we've just been programmed like like computers and we're more like reflex reaction mechanisms than actually seeing and living in the moment so another thing at the center of gravity this is something I made up today and it goes along with my thought before about how the manic state is like our adult child version of ourselves as if it had never been contorted or adjusted by the rules of society like that you should do this you should do that you should be this you your parents expectations studying like crap mostly as part of education in the formative years and so are all these things all these things that we turn away from or that make us contract they actually contort us they they're stored in our muscles and over time we get hunched and and we start walking lopsided and all of a sudden we're older and like this and we don't even know it and to me what I'm saying is that is a messed up center of gravity of oneself and it's like all the different constellations of memories and thoughts and things are actually stored in our physiology and when the mania energy comes in it blasts all that apart and all of a sudden a person's like I'm taller I'm an inch taller because I'm no longer holding myself and and contracting my muscles and compressing the discs in my spine which messes up the energy signals going up through the spinal column and the whole body energy field and and our center of gravity is different in the field of gravity so if our center of gravity is all tense and contorted in the field of gravity to me right there that if you compare the analogy of how a person who has perfected their physiology in there there the whole structure to effortlessly ride a hundred foot wave now think about daily life is like a million foot wave like this is our actual life now why don't we riding that wave in flow why don't to me a person could be in flow kind of all the time for one struck society is not structured for that for two I don't think our bodies are structured for that so if they're using like neurophysiology neural electricity neuroanatomy and then you know the structure of the body and the force of gravity on the body as sort of like well this is going to get a person in flow we're always in the field of gravity and we have a center of gravity and if we're not in our bodies the way they're actually designed to be there's books on this and I have some because I was i did some sessions of Rolfing which is a structural integration process and it's like a 10 session 10 sessions of treatment that actually you know sort of unlock your body so you can move again and I remember I went for one session because I was like I don't want to commit to ten sessions I just do like a general one session and I I could reach behind my arms like this and like grab this way but I couldn't do it this way at all like I couldn't even get close to touching was probably like this far away so I said you know fix my shoulder or fix whatever's going on here and after that one session I can't do it quite as well but I can touch and before I couldn't even get close so I was like okay I'm going to do the 10 sessions and I think it was really important and I'll probably like 10 sessions are supposed to be good enough for life but i'll probably go up for go in for a tune up at some point but again that's sort of like correcting my center of gravity it's correcting a lot more than just that but what I'm trying to illustrate here is the way that they're really curious about how people in extreme sports basically that accentuate the field of gravity or accentuate the body's experience of the field of gravity get people in flow and I'm trying to compare that to how in daily life if we're lumped over sacks of it's going to be a lot harder to get in flow because our center of gravity within the field of gravity is not the way it was designed to be and and you can look at say indigenous tribes in the world where things haven't really been altered as much you know those different I'm not sure about culture is very well but they'll have the same body shape because they're all adapted perfectly to hunting and gathering and and their tribal activities and their communal so they share everything and they don't take more than they need and and they all have these beautiful bodies that are perfectly adapted to what the way they live and now our bodies are adapted to our numbed out junk food eating TV watching pleasure-seeking pain avoiding as Jamie wheel talks about and you know that's not a secret we're perfectly adapted to that and then from that sack of point of view we say why can't I get in flow and you can still get in flow as a sack of but it's just more difficult and what I'm trying to illustrate I don't think is necessary to have like a perfect center of gravity per se I'm just curious if that would help like I've also taken a course called body awakening method and the lady who taught the course she taught this like exercises you do on a chair to strengthen your psoas muscle and she also talks about how you're supposed to walk and how you're supposed to keep your feet straight when you're standing not like this not like this and not like walking like this or like this people think this is normal and I actually went to her talk probably like six or seven years ago and it was like an introductory talk and she told me about the feed straight thing and she told everyone and I actually walked like this one was like this and this one was like this and I'd walk like this and then kind of like dragged this foot and ever since that talk i was like wow I'm going to correct that I'm going to walk with my feet straight and it didn't take long and I and then I started to walk with my feet straight and she explained how if you're not walking properly that's putting pressure on your knees and then that's putting pressure on your hips and all of a sudden you're 45 and you need a hip replacement you're wondering why well we're not utilizing our bodies the way they're actually designed to be and she taught other tips too so between the body awakening method the soul as exercise and also the role thing I've done a fair share of and being consciously aware of my posture done a fair share of like structural integration and so for me it's not just about putting somebody in some kind of gyrating machine to see if they can get in a flow state like what we could put everybody in a gyrating machine right now and what's what good is that going to do you can't really get anything done during that that experience you know you might to me it's more if you're doing that it's more like oh I had a flow experience and then you add that to your little memory of thoughts for your ego mind to think of and dwell upon part of the flow thing is not to dwell upon it it's not really an experience it's you know Krishnamurti talks about how it's not an experience because the experiencer is the ego and if the experiencer is there abstracting then it's not that and if it's not so as soon as the experiencer comes back in and starts thinking about that that just happened you now made that flow a part of the system of thought as sort of oh I want that again which is pleasure and desire which actually gets in the way of it happening again so it's more it happens and like move on and that happens with people in mania to they're like well that was so wonderful and amazing and so it's such a great feeling but it's not really it's not really about personal pleasure until we make it about that in retrospect which is thinking about it and I think that's another secret of this flow thing too that they may or may not be aware of is that flow is not personal it's a state where the ego is absent so that means none of the egos shenanigans can really be accomplished while in that state it's that much maybe some could but ego shenanigans stuff is for personal gain and that flow state is sort of being one with the universe where there's no such thing as personal gain so the people in those extreme athletes they get away with it because they're kind of like okay I'm going to sort of check out of society and do my own thing i'm outside of society which society blocks flow for sure and i'm just going to do my own thing which it's sort of its personally wonderful to be in that flow but it's not it's not really going to do any harm to anybody right so they can kind of just mind their own business right now if a person wants to use flow for their own personal gain or some kind of evil thing is is that evil is thought evil is the ego and now the evil ego wants to get into flow which is a negation of the ego so in my mind one of the ways to get into flow if you want to think about how to is to move towards what it is that you would like to do or participate with that has nothing to do with your own personal gain because that state is not a state of personal game and I feel like if a person has that state and uses it for personal gain in the flow and then turns it into like this memory of like oh that was good i need to get that flow again to get that personal gain because maybe the first time they use it for personal gain it's going to block it from ever happening again because it's actually a gift from the universe to be one with the universe it's not really a gift it's our natural state and it's not our natural state to be these egos competing with each other killing each other comparing eat with each other and all these things that are just totally acceptable in society in society which is not flow and then anyways yeah and that happens in mania where people feel like oh this is all about me and and it can it's hard to not get to that place because it feels like everything is one everything's the same everything's one process there is no separation so at some point if the ego kind of sneaks in a bit it thinks while that means it's all about me but it's just this really wonderful oneness experience and it's not an experience because oneness is the way it is it's our ego mind that thinks it's different that blogs that it interprets things that turn things into concepts and abstractions the feeling of hunger is not an abstraction I don't have to think I am hungry to know that I'm hungry but since we always think I'm hungry when we're hungry we think we have to think I'm hungry to know that we're hungry and to actually go get some food but it's not really that way and it's the same with any other thought and it could be seen as really obvious in that we happen to get a lot of things done even though we're thinking about something else so just in that it kind of proves that we don't need to think about stuff in order to do it because when we're doing something we're usually thinking about something else that has nothing to do with it so just a matter of seeing well this has nothing to do with anything that I'm doing and maybe it'll just go away and then lo and behold were in flow most of the time so that's the comparison of the center of gravity thought that I have about our poor contorted bodies and I recently came across this thing called trauma release experience or something I camera tre and I I saw it before but I never really looked into it and so today I actually tried it for the first time this really weird thing if you google it and you see the videos people start kind of shaking and stuff and I was laying there shaking and I listened to an interview by Mary Shriver she talked about how trauma is a memory problem and how this stress sort of releases it from our hippocampus and I did read from dr. Daniel Siegel that during traumatic experiences our hippocampus shuts down and we don't really encode the memories of what's happening properly and and so those memories are sort of scattered in the brain and they can be recalled and they lack echforic sensation which means they lack the feeling that they're coming from the so then we feel like they're happening now and so when Mary shriver's head trauma has a memory problem that made me realize that's kind of a dr. Daniel Siegel saying and I did talk about in another video my own little theory about how if the hippocampus is being is shut shut down and the brains not sort of putting the memories where they're supposed to go well where does that energy go and I think it's still encoded in the heart and the heart has memory too we already know that from people with heart transplants I think some of it gets encoded in the heart and the hearts more about like electromagnetism and patterns being stored and I think maybe if it's blocked from this hippocampus putting in the brain properly it just gets stored throughout our entire body you know like if we're being traumatized maybe we're not even aware we don't even like say we're unconscious or something our heart is still beating and it's beating with fear and that is electro magnetism and it's it's it's reap a turning every cell in our entire body with that energy and so I think that this trauma release something whatever it's called is supposed to release it from the body and i'll probably be experimenting with trying it a few more times because because everybody has some stuff stored and what i'm thinking too is that releasing it from my body is releasing it from the cells and the muscles and everything which is going to do that whole changing my center of gravity to you know me carrying myself as i meant to be carried which means my center of gravity in my body in my pattern is moving through the pattern of the entire reality the entire universe you know the quantum hologram it's moving through as it as it was meant to not as things happened and and thoughts and memories got stored in me and and contorted my structure so I find that really interesting about that and so I've tried rule thing I've tried the body awakening method stuff both are awesome and now I'm going to be trying this trauma release exercise thing and and that's the thing that Steven Kotler talked about was and Jamie wheel as well as that we go into things through like the psychology and stuff and try and like talk it out and everything and they say that the precognition stuff is much more powerful so talk therapies like cognition cognitive stuff the precognition stuff they think is more powerful and so they're saying flow is like a pre cognitive state and to me that just means stuff is happening without thought going on and abstracting and conceptualizing about it is just really just happening and so they're saying by going through like the portal of like the body sort of a lot more can be accomplished and this TRE seems to be that too and actually the Lady Mary Shriver talked about that she said it you can't really talk it out it's it's stored in the body and so that's how it's apparently valuable so i bought the tre app and i'm going to be giving it a try and so in the morning i do something I learned from body awakening method called bedroom yoga and then I do a little exercise for myself as muscle and lately I've been jumping on my trampoline my mini trampoline and that gets the lymphatic system moving as well that is naturally like a body moving in gravity experience and probably there's a little bit of extra g-force when I'm bouncing on the trampoline and now we'll be doing this TRE thing and and seeing how that goes in terms of in terms of all this structural integration stuff and for me it's actually I I feel like mice I can go into that other state that manic state I've gone into it a few times over the last five years and I feel like say um like my ego structures and maybe there's transient hypo-frontality in mania and then I i loosen up and I lighten up and my center of gravity changes well in my mind if I can and then when I come back to regular consciousness I'm a little bit more contorted and everything so if I on a daily basis I'm sort of exercising my center of gravity in a way and maybe moving it slightly towards how it would be in mania I feel that would be part of embodying one's mania because one can get to the point where one's body is maybe close to that bodily expression in the flow state so they say you know we get stronger we get more agile and all these things in the flow state well we can get ourselves to the point where we are kind of that way and a lot of people go to the gym and they do they're like bicep curls and their sit-ups and everything and and something I learned in Rolfing and as well in body awakening method is a lot of what we do at the gym actually compresses and crushes our skeleton so if we're doing all these ab crunches we're actually um compressing the discs of the spine because we're making this really tight we're doing all these things to kind of make us like this and some people still look wonderfully beautiful in all muscular and stuff but there are certain muscles we don't strengthen it's actually more important to be stronger beside the rib cage like from the bottom of the ribs to the top of the hips on the sides to actually hold up our ribcage we're actually supposed to hold ourselves up with that sort of cummerbund type muscle now if we have really tight abs we're actually doing the opposite and we're contracting ourself whereas if we have strong side muscles we can hold ourselves up and if we're not holding ourselves up with that those muscles and our head slightly forward we're actually slowly going to be compressing we're going to be you know getting hunched over basically but that doesn't need to happen if we're holding ourselves up with those muscles standing with our feet straight blah blah blah find the lightworkers institute if you want to know more about that or read books on roll thing it's very interesting so to go with my little theory about one's perfect center of gravity of their body actually being in alignment with gravity so so the body's weight is actually carried by the joints and the skeleton and not the muscles because if our body weight is supported by our muscles then we're actually tensing up and that would change our structure and our center of gravity and part of my little theory with this is one of if I was to say one of the ways to get into flow it would be make sure you're in like a hundred percent perfect alignment to be in flow all the time in daily life and even if you think about it too like a madden your your perfect aligned self completely comfortable in your structure the way you carry yourself throughout life is going to be a lot different the pattern that's recognized to yourself and others as you it's going to be more elegant or more expressive happier and that is going to change your whole energy field and it's also going to change how people respond to you it's going to change your whole the whole trajectory of your life and now if you are in that pattern where you're very comfortable and within your own skin you would naturally think that you would be in a little bit more flow like you wouldn't be thinking I'm so this and I'm so that if you're just naturally the structure of who you're meant to be and to go with that I had this other little thought and theory that are negative thinking patterns it's actually electro magnetism in our brain it changes our brain that changes our neural plasticity it changes everything it actually gets us stuck in this prefrontal cortex and and gets in the way of this transient hypo-frontality in my mind it doesn't have to be transient hypo-frontality it should be actually transient frontality we should only have that bit of our brain turned on when we actually need it and this completely makes sense we're wondering how can we get five minutes of flow or how can we get an hour of flow my question is why aren't we in flow all the time and in this little thinking petty little ego consciousness just when that needs to turn on for convenience so I actually think that these thoughts and everything contribute to contorting the structure as well as changing one's energy field and the energy field is the pattern it's the hologram of who we are it's our information and I talked about the adjacent light body now we're not going to be our adjacent light bar version of ourselves if we're this material structure of thinking inner critic judging choosing version of ourselves and we've been conditioned to be that way unfortunately so we're not actually free we're prisoners of our own minds and and it's kind of sad but I actually think that if one has this prefrontal cortex stuff going on that changes our energy field in a way that negate that negates flow it can't happen that actually has to turn off which is like you know the fuzz screen on a TV like if we always had that playing in our minds and our heads that's kind of what the ego consciousness is it's all this noise and and and it's like they think oh we turn off the prefrontal cortex uh-oh what's going to happen it's like oh turns out we're in flow how is that possible well because the ego is just a bunch of noise it's not really saying anything that's actually real or true it's like a big hallucination it's if it's saying something that's not happening right in this moment or have anything to do with this moment then it's a hallucination and that's so-called normal and then people that go into mania decouple from that and and then are in extreme ecstasy feel free often run naked down the street because they feel like they've just been reborn and in a society that's not designed for someone to be that way it's very difficult for one to stay in that state and then a lot of people get really mad and stuff at some point but it's almost like it's almost like having to die to come back to this egocentric world and and I really feel that the flow state and the manic state and that extra energy like we think we need to think to to do stuff but it actually gets in the way of the energy that we naturally have we didn't have to think to do stuff when we were young children and again that world centricity and that's the thing in mania is a lot of us we feel very worldcentric for a portion of it and maybe that's the difference because in a flow state a person is kind of like doing their own thing for their own self a little bit like 0 2 i'm in flow and i'm getting lots of work done for me whereas in mania actually think it's a step beyond there's this extra extra extra energy and a person really wants to share and help the world and and that's what happens when the ego consciousness is completely blown away because we realize it's all one and we're just wanting to help the world not because we're thinking oh we want to help the world it's just we see that's the only thing to do there's nothing else to do and so I feel if a person is to really flow it's a matter of finding ones cause and that could almost be when I was talking about how the surfer has like a body perfectly adapted for riding that wave and they've they've taken hours and hours and hours to do that well how are we perfectly adapted without even spending a second to think about it and what would we do what would we do if there was no time there's no time left it's only right now that's it and Krishnamurti talks about psychological time and that's basically the ego thinking about itself and how it's not real and as soon as the ego thinks about itself it creates psychological time which prevents a person from being in the now which blocks flow so thinking about oneself is actually dis-ease we're not at ease with ourselves so we're thinking about ourselves which the thinking about the self the thinking is the self it's one thing and it's no amount of thinking with that self is going to allow a person to get into flow and it's interesting because that flow dojo is kind of designed to get a person to be so scared because like they're they're sort of doing things with their body that would get them killed if they weren't in a safe contraption now why do we need to be scared to the point of our pants in order to get our ego mind to turn off if we really saw that the ego mind itself is fear it actually creates all of this crap it's like as dangerous as jumping out of a plane that thinking about oneself which is an illusion there's no self there there's just this happening stuff you can't separate each thing that happens each gesture from that thing that is happening there's no separate thing if I move my hand I don't have to think move my hand in order to think in order for that to happen but since there's something going on here we think it actually has some kind of correlation but it has no correlation whatsoever and it's actually blocking the flow and being in this scared ego self-reflexive thinking state is creating all that fear which is creating all this toxic neuro chemicals and and bio chemicals in the body which is actually poisoning us so this process is actually killing us that's actually as dangerous as like a poisonous snake biting us twenty-four seven but we don't see that so it's more like a leech where we don't actually feel like it's on our skin it numbs us out it dulls us out we don't actually see anything that's happening we only see what our mind is saying how can we flow if we only see what our mind is saying which is something that happened ten years ago that's not happening now it's not now so to me it's not really this like big mystery I'm curious about well I've thought about it before it's like how would I design my life as a maniac because the thing is that it's difficult to actually be that way and I feel like at this point now I'm more of a where and that sort of X traumatic energy comes in and I kind of like have to block it so instead of instead of trying to get in flow I actually need to block flow I actually need to be like okay I'm just gonna calm like be calm for a while go to sleep because all this extra energies come in and be like whoa like I'm riding the wave of the universe and daily life what could be better i don't need to go on a freaking wave this is the most beautiful thing ever then what else could be more beautiful there's like cute little insects and spiders outside there's flowers and there's other people and I don't need a wave the fact we need a waiver to drop out of a plane to see it is absolutely ridiculous
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I want to talk about the word meme and a meme is just an idea or thought or a word its equivalent in biology would be a gene and I've read that there are thoughts that memes replicate just like jeans do so jeans replicate in biological reproduction and memes get passed in the form of thoughts and everything through our brains and our brain cells and lately I've been having more insights about the whole ego me thing the ego is the me and it's interesting that meme is spelled m e m which is me me so it's something in my mind that gets passed from one me to another me so Mimi not only that is once it is in someone's brain in order for it to replicate it has to happen more than once unless somebody I think it does have to happen more than once if somebody has that meme and then wants to pass it on they at least have to process it and think about it and think about it again to pass it on and even if they forget about it after that point it still was a me me in their mind so it goes from me to me from ego to ego and I might have talked before how I'm really seeing that language is really a virus it gets stuck in our brains so memes are kind of like word viruses and i guess some could be more positive than others actually when i first had a scary experience of altered states of consciousness otherwise known as psychosis at one point when I would look at the computer there would be stuff that was probably there or not there I actually might have taken a picture of this one but I'm not I can't remember but it was just a totally benign website i was looking at and in the top margin it said languages of virus so when i was in that scary state of consciousness i was seeing scary messages everywhere so i'm looking at the computer at saying language as a virus i'm looking at language I'm saying Oh what do I do and it freaked me out but I'm seeing now that it's really true that language is a virus we can use language or language can use us and I think most the time it uses us because we're conditioned by thoughts were conditioned by education and J Krishnamurti talks a lot about this and I'm not saying his name in order to say I'm representing him or even know what he was talking about I don't per se I've I've studied his stuff for probably eight years but it's only now that i'm actually really starting to see what he's saying and i know throughout the process of studying his writings and his talks on youtube i always have some level of oh I see what he's saying but with his talks and his writings that I see what he's saying always keeps going it's continuous it's not oh I see what he's saying conceptually and then try to memorize it and or forget about it you actually see what he's saying or you don't see it it's not about actually being like yeah yeah that makes sense it's about actually really seeing it so there's a very subtle line between agreeing with it and conceptualizing it and actually seeing what he's saying and I feel like perhaps I'm getting to the point where I'm actually seeing what he's saying with regards to the language aspect I could be deluding myself I have to just drop it and keep learning but what I'm saying is that some of my insights are similar to stuff that he says he says it in a different way but I've been kind of coming up with it or seeing it it appears on my mind screen as I see this without actually listening to or reading his teachings I'm actually observing it within myself so I'm actually reading that within my off and i'm not sure where else we can really read things from but within ourselves and even if i think about my experiences of so-called psychosis it's always thoughts it's always words it's always language so I've gotten to the point where I've come really close to ending my life because I'm taken over by this language and these images attached to the language and also these felt feeling senses in my body and it's all like an attack of language of memes and I don't know where they come from but Krishnamurti talks about how when you see this ego structure of thought and how dangerous it is you move away from it like you would if you saw a snake you wouldn't think twice you would just move away from it so in that way I'm seeing that if i do have any kind of thought that's anything that resembles something that could become associative and lead to a spiral into being taken over by a thought structure that could lead me into a so-called psychosis I actually kind of jump away from it internally like I just saw a snake like it's not something I want to play with or or entertain in any way shape or form and and to me that process of insight is sort of the protective thing against the thought because if there is some kind of weird thought structure the insight sees that it's a snake instead of identifying with it and sort of taking the snake and wrapping it around once waist or neck it's just like whoa like no that's not something I want to go near at all and I don't know if that's true at all but since my last psych ward experience and how terrible it was I'm really I feel like I'm really more attuned to watching for those snakes whereas before I might I might kind of be like oh whatever and sort of have that energy dwelling a bit versus really seeing whoa that's not something that I want to to even think about it's a very subtle thing and i don't i don't know if it's really working or if i am actually doing something with that i won't know unless I become hospitalized all know that I wasn't able to do it but um I feel I feel like I said more attuned to it my mom actually told me an interesting story she said when she was young she had these sort of seizure like freezing experiences where she wouldn't be able to speak for I don't know how long and her aunt once told her if you keep that up you're going to end up at the the psych whatever the facility was called that it was for long-term people that were chronic and this was say 50 years ago when people just went into institutions and didn't come out and she my mom told me that after her aunt said that it never happened again and maybe it was some kind of coping strategy my mom developed and I don't know how many times it happened she didn't say but she basically said that when her aunt said keep that up and you're going to end up institutionalized something changed within my mom and it never happened again and I thought that was really interesting because she shared that with me sometime after my most recent hospitalization and I feel like since my recent hospitalization not that it was good before going to the hospital but I was maybe a little bit more careless because I knew oh if I go there no big deal like it wasn't that bad but now I see what could happen so it's almost like that fear of going back and and so the fear of going back leads me to be more insightful about the things that could bring me fear and lead me to going back so it's a little bit of a subtle difference because if I'm just afraid of going back that's going to cause more fear and if I have a fearful thought that's kind of like something I might think in psychosis it'll actually feed into that fear and make it worse so my fear of going back is actually not being afraid of going back which I wasn't before but the subtle difference is now I have to really exercise my mind to not tap into that fear that sometimes allows the fear to accumulate to the point where i eventually get to a space where i'm thinking in terrifying ways that would actually lead me to go back to the psych ward so my fear of the psych ward is making me more watchful of my fear not that i'm actually physically being afraid of the psych ward so in my mom's case that extreme fear of going back or going to be institutionalized kind of snapped her into a place where she didn't allow herself to go there to produce that reaction of being somewhat catatonic that might lead her to go there so in the same way I'm more watchful and perhaps snap doon snapped into a place where I may be internally won't allow myself to go there and that's just a theory because anything could happen really but I liken it to the same sort of thing and I guess it's just really being a little bit more responsible for my inner self and it's it's all nice in theory I feel like I'm practicing that because I haven't I haven't had those sort of thoughts that might get me to end up back in the psych ward so that's a good thing Plus also knowing that if I end up back there it'll probably make it worse and not better because that's what happened last time so knowing that I don't really have a safe place to go and the safe place I went before might make me worse then I'm even more watchful of myself because I feel a little bit like I'm on my own with it and the thing with the meme to the me me that's that's what our brains are doing all the time as me me me me me me me me me me me me me and I talked before in a video about how those things classified as thought disorders and I don't know anything about that I'm not a doctor or anything but Krishnamurti would say that thought is disorder so this ego thought this meanie me me me is actually disorder because it's not actually real it's an abstraction its conceptualization and it's not actually representing what's going on right now and it's conditioning and programming and when we think about the moments in life when we really feel alive it's actually when we are not thinking about ourselves so if we see a really beautiful baby or beautiful sunset and we're awestruck and in those moments our ego is rendered silent and we feel this sort of bliss and peace well the opposite of that is the ego chattering on about stuff and then there's a lot of people that want to do extreme sports in order to get the ego to be quiet and when people get really good at that they call it flow they're just like in the zone there in the flow and Steven Kotler and Jamie will are doing a lot of research around this and in my mind we shouldn't necessarily need to get to the point where we're extreme athletes or jumping out of a plane every day to get our ego to be quiet there's likely an easier way and in my mind if the ego is quiet then we're actually in flow in daily life nearly all of the time and it's not that mysterious actually and I talked in another video about when a person first experiences say a mania it feels so ecstatic and wonderful and I really am beginning to think it's because it's just something we're not used to so a beautiful sunset might remove the ego mostly for a minute or two but now imagine it's rendered silent for a month and really really silent and doesn't mean there's not any thoughts going on but it's something new and creative and wondrous and that would feel really good by virtue of it just being something completely different the ego doesn't feel good and it takes a lot to actually make it feel good and usually that's just a pleasure response so thinking something pleasurable makes us feel some pleasure and that makes it easier to get through the day and that's what a lot of the self improvement stuff is is on that level and that's an important level as well but it's still the level of the me any kind of thought and thinking is the level of the me when you're awestruck by a beautiful sunset you don't need a thought to make that happen it's just seeing is perception now imagine if that perception could be just a wondrous and blissful when looking at a sunset to just looking around in daily life and I just had deja vu like I said that before and I might have on a different video but I actually don't remember other than deja vu I thought that was like a new thought but maybe not and that's the thing with making these videos I probably repeat myself but I don't I don't remember at all and I think that's okay if I come up with the same thing twice maybe that is a good thing and this again is more collapsing a wave function as a conversation with myself it's not meant to be about right and wrong it's not meant to be uber spiritual or philosophical or scientific it's just it's just whatever and that's that's what the experience of mania is like it's like looking at everything new looking with new eyes looking a fresh not looking through the mine screen of the ego thinking about a thousand yesterday's it's not actually something that mysterious or profound it's just the same as a child would look at the world they don't yet have all these thought structures given to them and they have this energy and joyousness about them who says we can't be like that as adults and what is it that gets in the way of that the ego gets in the way the me the thinking mind and we don't understand we don't know that there's actually something that operates beyond that we're just so used to the ego thinking mind that we think that that is necessary and and it's not and the ego thinking mind reality sucks we already know that that's why so many people are doing meditation and yoga and extreme sports and illicit drugs and eating food that and zoning out with TV it all zones out the ego it all numbs us to that numbs out that thinking process now if you think again about the sunset that sunset blew away the ego thinking process now do we require a sunset to make that go away no it's more looking from that level beyond the ego when we see that sunset and it puts us in awe and makes the ego be quiet for a moment can we look from that place beyond the ego that quiet place that quiet place is always there but we don't know how to look from that place because we're always looking through the ego and so many people are spending a lot of money trying to get to that quiet place by doing mindfulness and all this stuff and it's very it's important for sure but it's actually our natural ability to look from that quiet space so can we look at everything in our daily life like we're looking at the most beautiful sunset we've ever seen for the very first time like we've never seen it before can we look at a human face that way with awe and wonder and curiosity and and just being struck by the beauty of another living human being how is that less beautiful than one's favorite mind-numbing TV show since we're not looking in this way we need so much entertainment and entrainement and we're just numbing out and we're not really even here that much we're not actually in reality we're in this pseudo reality entertainment complex conditioning and and I've been thinking more about teenagers and and children lalian and how a lot of them go through mental health stuff in their teens and now there's things like ADHD and so many different conditions and I went to a lecture and I was listening to this stuff and I'm thinking to myself you have like 30 kids in a classroom and you're getting them to sit in a desk for six hours a day so boring and it's like school is all about conditioning and programming asta to be good and learn a certain thing to participate in this society that is just brutal it's not really a collaborative cooperative society it's competition and all that so we're training kids for that and not only that the world is getting more complex so there's so many more things to explore yet we're getting everyone to sit down at the same time and explore the same boring topic and these kids nowadays they know that there's so much more to explore they could do more learning by themselves than they probably do in a in a classroom like that and then we say these kids have ADHD I don't think so dr. Daniel Siegel talked about that a system it's an mathematical law that a system is designed to move towards maximum complexity and if it stopped from moving towards maximum complexity it goes to either chaos or rigidity and now you think about a child it's designed to go to maximum complexity and in the system of society they're actually being trained into rigidity and then the child reacts sometimes with chaos like not being able to focus or fidgeting or whatever and then they're called 80d or ADHD to me it's actually just part of mathematical law that there's going to be kids that can can't do it they're not really designed to do that and even things like anxiety I feel like it's an oversimplification but children are naturally born with the ability to learn and then they go to school and they're told to memorize and that's not actually learning and I feel like part of anxiety is actually to do with the fact that somewhere deep inside the child they know they are being programmed to stop learning and to start conforming and these feelings are actually just a warning sign of that and I think it's really sad I it's a lot I have a lot more thoughts on it but it's it's really like humanity is becoming more complex before there's you know there's a certain number of religions or in a certain number of political parties and and social classes and you can kind of divide people up between that and then and then it's all said and done but now it's almost like each person is just a unique thing on their own with no social class no religion that they have to need to they need to come up with that stuff for themselves they need to learn it for themselves so any religion a person might come to the insights of that religion on their own throughout life without having to be told this is what you need to follow if a person is actually really learning they may see those things for themselves there's a difference between being told and seeing it for yourself and seeing it for yourself is learning being told is not learning so kids are being are getting tired of being told and and humanity is moving towards more complexity faster than humanity is able to adapt to not be judgmental and that's unfortunate and sad because really it's designed to move towards complexity so now there's so many more people say changing genders and that wouldn't have existed 200 years ago there wasn't the medical technology there wasn't the the population whatever even though there might have been people feeling that way but now it's come to the point where people can do that what I'm saying is how people choose to express themselves as is infinite and a person should be able to learn that within themselves without fear of judgement and persecution and we we could all approach each other as each person is it just totally unique canvas and they're learning about themselves and we're learning about ourselves and we're learning together and it's not about it's not about seeing differences it's actually seeing sameness and that's why I feel like the whole world centricity idea is very important and that is seeing and learning together which is we so memes or me me me me me and me judges the me looks around and sees differences but the wii and i had this made up a word called the we go instead of the ego which is based on memes and me me me we have the we go which is based on relationships and seeing the common humanity and what two people can learn together when they meet up so it's about learning and this ties into the to what dr. Daniel Siegel talks about with the relational mind the relational mind is is the you in relationships which is actually a we because there's no relationship with nobody it's the relationship with another person so how we make wheeze and dr. Daniel Fisher talks about how psychosis is a monologue and a monologue is one person in their head and not really in conversation with another person there in a conversation in their own mind with themselves and kind of lost in their own world well this is a world of me and a person is lost in the me even worse than a person that has this sort of normal so-called normal me consciousness and that normal me consciousness is able to relate with other people in normal me consciousness but a psychosis me consciousness is a deeper monologue where someone's not actually relating to other people because what they're thinking is hard to relate to other people and so this we aspect is actually the relational mind which is relating to other people so people were there's an open dialogue approach to psychosis to help talk to people to reconnect them to their social fabric to reestablish their wheeze and then in that way a lot of times they're psychosis sort of resolves itself and I feel like those people connect again with sort of the Mimi level but I also feel there's another way is from ego consciousness to we go consciousness which is like we go together and where are we and it's we go we go so it's sort of relating with how we fit together how we make a we what can we bring out in each other that's the best how can we help each other learn about ourselves and one another and the relationship I feel like the protection is actually in the relational mind and I was thinking about how in my first three and a half years of being in the mental health system I didn't have any adverse experiences and I lived in community housing surrounded by I might have interacted with 10 to 30 people a day where I lived and then I moved out of there but and I lived for two years by myself but I was working in a medical office and I probably interacted with you know 30 or 40 people five days a week through that and so there was a lot of we making there was a lot of interaction with people and as soon as I disconnected from that I have since been in the hospital three times and so I'm really seeing the importance of that kind of community and how important community is and making making wees back to kids for a minute we're giving them a shitty reality and reality socks and and they're having a difficult time the only way to really help is to make reality better for them that's not the only way I'm sure there's other ways to the rebelling against what we're trying to give them which is all this conditioning and even if they do get the conditioning it's making them anxious or it's making them all these things that's making them into little egos and and it's it's not really healthy
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the universe works through a process of magic and i'm not sure if you felt that when you were in mania i think the word manic could be changed to magic and even though it's magic it's not really that magical what I really mean is that the universe works in a way that's beyond our logical ego minds capacity to see and we have thought processes and then we have science that uses thought to think about the universe and and try and see how it works by the scientific method and that's somewhat helpful but at the same time that doesn't mean that the universe works based on science it just means that using the scientific method there's going to be scientific discoveries about the universe but that doesn't mean that that's how the universe works it doesn't work the way our mind logically works we see it that way because that's how our mind works based on logic but that's not necessarily how it is and to me we come across that in the state of mania would wow the world works in incredible ways but we don't see it that way on a daily basis so it's not really that magical it's magic only in that it's something that we don't understand how it works obviously we don't and we probably never will the universe once showed me that I'll never understand how it works and this was probably the weirdest experience I ever had in so-called psychosis was I went to the hospital and I tried to get in the hospital and they turned me away and I came back to my place and that was blood on a red pepper in my place and I was like what the hell and then I said like what the hell to my mom just no no she acts weird when that happens I don't know what oh it's not that weird I'm like this is massed and so I ended up in the psych ward a couple days later and then when I got home a couple days after that I went to my parents house and they were watching a show on those kids that bleed out of their eyes and then they were my parents were just like oh whatever and they were saying how no one ever saw it start it was only people saw the blood coming out of their eyes so they weren't they were thinking it could have been put there like if they didn't see it actually start then well that doesn't prove like it could be a hoax right that's what they were saying on the show and I said to my parents I said no the reason why we don't see it start is because the universe is saying you're never gonna figure me out you're never going to figure me out like try to figure out why kids are bleeding from their eyes and and you don't see it start just like there's blood on a red pepper in my place and I'm like universe with the hell come on why are you doing that and so the universe can do anything it can probably create a whole ya wouldn't even say it but it's just really messed up and so I said okay universe I'm not going to try and figure you out I'm just gonna go about my business and you can do whatever you want but that's the thing the universe as soon as we at one step closer to figuring it out it's just going to create something weirder for us to be baffled by because it doesn't work the way that we think that it does it only consistently seems to work the way we think it does because that's the way we think it works so that's what we're going to see and then these anomalies happen that people see anomalies and then people experience anomalies in mania and psychosis and then they come back and they're said oh you were just mentally ill it's like no maybe there's something else to see it's just most people can't see it and I that's another thing with the embodying nematic trades is that I feel like by being that way we're going to an uncovered that world that's there within us all for us all to be our best shiny wonderful beautiful selves and that's the thing too is that utilizing mania as a platform a sort of transformative tool to become one's best self is a little strange and I'm just talking about it a lot to get it out of my system and maybe talk enough that I'll convince myself that I really think this but it's not actually that some people take this transformation process and and they call it spiritual and and it I feel like it is spiritual I feel spiritual because it doesn't feel logical if it could feel magical it could feel wondrous it could feel like a state of awe all of these different states and characteristics and traits of the manic state are not logical ego states because one's ego is scrambled and suspended so thus it feels spiritual in my mind it's actually a lot of it is just turnham our normal state of being and to me it's really a state of learning all the time if you can imagine you were a child again and how you were always learning like every day you're learning so much without thinking Oh today I learned this this and this you were just learning you were learning how to walk you were learning how to crawl you're learning how to jump now imagine if that process never stopped and I feel it stopped mostly when we entered formal education because we're said sit in a chair and look at this book and learn this what I'm saying to learn instead of randomly synchronistic lee through one's environment and experiences and relationships learning now if that never stopped it was never stopped at the age of five or six or seven what kind of human beings would we be to me a person like my experience of mania it's almost like going back to that version of me as if I never stop learning but being reconnected to that is like I feel like I'm a child again i feel like i'm free i feel like i can see i feel like i can explore and learn and be creative and play and dance and and not be so self-critical and the self critic is the ego that's in the way of that experience so i don't know if i go to that place where that's where I would be if I never stop learning or if I'm just sort of transferred back into that state of sort of being an adult child being like a child learning again but as an adult but to me it feels like there's this huge gap that's like 20 year gap from when I stopped learning at the age of 52 when I went into that state at the age of 29 so there's this huge gap and and it feels so foreign and it feels so new and it feels so magical and spiritual and wonderful because I haven't been in that state for 25 years but if I never exited that state if my growth and my learning was never stunted would I feel like it was a different place what I feel like it was so would it feel spiritual or what I just feel like I'm a human being learning I don't know if it would feel spiritual to me like the club like spirituality is almost a concept that we develop because of our lack of meaning that we develop through our education system and and the current economic progress and growth and gross national product and all this stuff it could just be a concept in my mind and that experience of going into that hyper learning adult child state just might feel really foreign and so we put the story on it that it's spiritual and I'm not saying that there's no spirituality I'm just saying that if we were just always learning and we never had that happen where we had to go to school and and memorize and judge and measure and compare and like and dislike would we have ever developed the concept of spirituality would we ever have developed the concept of the ego personal self those things seem like two sides of one coin and i'm not sure if they really exist to me it could be almost like spirituality is a bit of a compensation for the lack of meaning and it might be a necessary thing given the fact that we were all educated through the formal education system so we might need that to kind of navigate as sort of a compass but to me i feel that a lot of the stuff nowadays around spirituality stuff it could almost be like adding another layer to our our ego thinking while I'm ego so I need to be mindful and spiritual and all these things and there's probably quite a bit of value in that and I've explored a lot of that but when I think about the state of mania and how it blows all of that apart temporarily it feels really spiritual and it could be a little bit of like an over compensation so going into that state could almost be like an overcompensation for all those years of not being just in that natural learning state where our brain is open and receptive and learning and able to see properly it's like a recoil so it might not necessarily be as much like how do i get my spirituality or anything like that as much as how do I learn because the thing too that I'm trying to say is that if we are always in that learning state and we're never put in a space where we stop learning and we started memorizing and would we feel so incompetent like would we feel like we need to learn like we need to consume so much from others or would we feel self sufficient in our own capacities and what would a world look like if there was just a bunch of human beings that were self-sufficient in their own capacities and and seeing and operating intelligently it's a subtle thing and I don't really know what I think about it I'm just wondering about the whole so many people selling a lot of spirituality and there's some there's some great stuff out there for sure I'm not talking like don't I'm not saying that it's bad I'm just saying that I'm wondering about the underlying desire for that and I'm wondering about how it feels spiritual and it's felt spiritual for me in the state of mania but I'm wondering about just curious about if I would have never stopped learning what I feel spiritual like would there be the concept of spirituality maybe that's what I'm getting at is just it would be so fundamental that there would be no concept for it there would be no oh this is spiritual and that's not spiritual it would just be part of the fabric of reality that would be imperceptible because it's not a concept concepts are words and I just feel like perhaps maybe spirituality is learning it seems like it's something that we're born with were born with learning we're not born with logic and we're not born with words apparently and it's interesting and I've talked about this before how some children are being born nearly immune to words or they're becoming early in their life immune to words I feel like our logic is destroying us and our words are destroying us our words divide us and then now we're having children who are being born immune to words and we're thinking why is this happening we don't look at like this over arching thing so this energy I think is the energy of learning it comes in and scrambles the ego and we can learn again and see again we can be creative and and I actually feel we were born with that energy it's not something foreign we probably have that manic energy as children we just have energy we just have learning we just have love and and that gets damp and down and then if a person goes this energy comes in and blast apart the ego and a person goes into that state it feels so good it feels like you know like if you haven't taken a shower for two months and you have a shower it's kind of feel so whole good and now if you have a shower every day it's not really going to feel that great or if you haven't eaten for a week and then you eat it's going to taste so good so my point with this whole manic energy is that it feels so good because we just haven't had it in a long time and since we were kids but I think it's actually our natural way of being and so I think over time it will get to the point where maybe we don't notice that energy again if we can embody being who we are in that natural state because it's showing us our natural state it's not showing us something foreign it's not showing something that we hate there are scary parts for sure and to me that's usually the coming back to the ego process as the ego was Rico alessa ng and forming a structure to blind you back into this regular paradigm that scary as hell it's like the equal and opposite thing right it feels once being in that really energized state for a period of time coming back is just as as energized but scary you know imagine going to heaven and coming back it's kind of like that it's it's a journey and to me to going into that state and coming back it's almost like a gift in a way and and I think that energy wants us to utilize that gift somehow by connecting with our altruism are being our best self do we don't have to wait for that energy to move towards that and by moving towards it we might break up the blocks and barriers in our ego consciousness and in our neurophysiology and our structure to actually be able to embody that and actually to the course through the lightworkers institute and they talk a lot about awakening your body and reconnecting with your body and different techniques to actually stand in your power and stand as your best self and it talks about how a lot of the traumas and crap are stored in our muscles and ourselves and by actually practicing standing and proper posture and proper gestures you will be closer to that better self so there's a whole science behind this and that that's in line with Rolfing and the lightworkers institute stuff that's to me that's a little bit part of embodying your mania is being consciously aware of how you walk and how you talk and your posture and your gestures and and everything like that and the funny thing is that in mania I was probably naturally like that standing up straight strong confident using my voice well etc so it's already how we are but sometimes it can take a bit of work for that to break down our logic is not part of this energy our logic actually blocks this energy and of course we need a certain amount of logic and rationality but over rationalizing and and the type of logic that destroys nature for short-term gains that is not good and I actually feel like that's partly why children are not able to acquire languages because Gaia is saying holy crap we need to start making it so human beings aren't so logical because look what it's doing like Gaia will not allow us to destroy her like no matter what so I'm not really worried about that but it's sad that our children have to bear the brunt of it and the thing with the ego tues we think that we know everything about ourselves the ego is like blah blah blah blah and telling us what we know and what we know about ourselves and when that other energy comes in and blows that all the parts like you don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about the universe you don't know anything and it's such a blissful state that we don't care we're like show me what's out there show me what what's to know like and there's a lot you just look at something and you have a hundred thoughts about how it might work what it relates to innovation about it how you know the history of it where it came from you just you kind of know so much just by like taking a glance at something and that's why I can get overwhelming to is because like way too much information if there was a society designed for people knowing that when they look at something they're gonna know everything about it there would be less crap there'd be more nature there'd be less human creations and the thing is too we look at nature and just be an awe and Wonder and we wouldn't have to be like well I need a thousand movie collection you know it we would just be out there like in magic land so after I came back from map land and I i received a diagnosis I also went to psycho education classes to learn all about my my new mental illness and I listened and I paid attention and and you know with all the psycho education I never did take it to heart so it was logical information and it was good to know but I never took it to heart because the learning I received through the universe and from the universe and with the universe was way more powerful it was too powerful for them to give me some little explanation to explain it away and even though it's helpful sometimes I'm totally okay with utilizing things where they're helpful and putting things aside that don't resonate and aren't helpful so if taking a bit of something is helpful I'll take it if living in certain housing is helpful I'll go live there if getting certain training is helpful I'll do that but it doesn't mean I have to take on the story to the point where my recall memories are of the experience of mania are painted with all the explanations of mental illness to the point where I dismiss them and forget everything I learned and and also lead me to self stigmatize myself to think something's wrong with me to think I have some big problem and at times it's problematic and I've had help that was actually more problematic than helpful and I've had helped that was helpful so it's just one of those things that sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it's not and either way even if it's helpful and even if it's not helpful I always learn something I always learn something about if I could design the system I would change that and or this could be better and maybe there's no place to voice some of that right now but in time there probably will be and and so also I don't like to waste my energy getting too mad about anything that happens or too glad either because I really just want to focus on just learning and there's always there's always more to learn and it's not really personal like the extra energy process isn't a personal process it's not oh I'm so great or it's not oh this is for your personal pleasure it was a learning about how I need to be my best self for for the world and not to save the world but to be my best self in every moment that I possibly can because that is going to create the best ripple of me being here on earth and there's not much else I can do than that and so what I'm saying is if I I dwell too much on the bad stuff that happens I I'm just going to be creating bad ripples within myself that harm myself and increase the likelihood of that bad thing happening again so if I do well on the bad and I end up back in the hospital because I'm stressed dwelling in the back and then bad things accumulate and I end up back on the hospital then that bad thing could happen again whereas if I do my best to move on and it's it's hard like I'm not saying it's easy it takes it takes sort of endurance training to keep myself safe against myself to keep myself safe against the system to keep myself safe against things that happen that aren't so great in the system and and still trying to move forward and do whatever I do all I'm saying is that this is the best way to keep myself safe from myself and from the system is not dwelling on stuff that I do or the system does and i still like i was harmed by the system last hospitalization but I worked towards creating the representation agreement and the advance directive so I now feel safer and it's I'm sure it's not foolproof but it's a lot better than not having it and then if I went into some kind of extreme distress thinking to myself in the moment of extreme distress thinking I'm not going to call for help because what if that happens again and then who knows what would happen this way at least I'll think ok if I call for help they're not going to do that treatment that I did not like because I already created a plan against that and so so it's a it's a it's an interesting it's an interesting process and so when I was hospitalized recently I didn't know that I would ever think oh I need an advance directive but that crap happened and I learned I learned oh I better create this advance directive to protect myself from that and protect myself from myself because if I don't have that I don't know if I will reach out for help because I'll think help is worse than not help
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I came across this little thing that I made a while ago and he can't really see but I wrote all over it oh you can kind of see and I was trying to outline some of the things that I was reading and discovering about the work of dr. Daniel Siegel and he has the book mind sight he has another great book called the pocket book guide to interpersonal neurobiology it's not much of a pocketbook it's quite thick but it's a very good book and I might have mentioned it before but I was noticing as i was coloring over some of it in darker ink as opposed to pencil that i wrote here states become traits and this is what I've been talking about in the in my thoughts about how the manic state can let us know what trades to practice to actually have those traits as opposed to only having those traits in the manic state and that's what i call embodying your mania and the retrospective process is sort of harvesting your mania or hacking your mania and and he actually says it right in what i wrote down states become traits and the example he gave was by putting oneself in a mindful state for say 10 minutes a day eventually a person will actually have the trait of mindfulness so the 10 minute a day practice of mindfulness leads eventually to actually just having that trait without actually having to practice anymore and that is the same equivalent to one having a state of mania where they have all these traits in the state but they're not actual traits that we actually have as real traits their temporary trades and that's why i mentioned practicing the manic traits so even i wonder and I've never really thought of this before if even just practicing a certain trait for 10 minutes a day alone just creating some kind of practice around generosity and and I guess that's why people say practice gratitude some people have a gratitude practice or journaling in a way this video making is a bit of a practice for me to just talk about stuff and make things relational I've talked about making things relational before and I and I actually I got that from dr. Daniel Siegel I have several people who have influenced my thinking and I'm especially fond of the ones that are into neurobiology I have a different video where I talked about the work of Steven Kotler who I called Stephen Coulter in the video oops and Jamie wheel they talk about the flow state and there's neurophysiology in neuro electricity and the brain is very interesting so there's those two dr. Daniel Siegel david bohm dr. david bohm who's no longer with us he pioneered the holographic theory of the brain along with Carl Primbram I think I said that right and I've also been influenced by Krishnamurti J Krishnamurti Alan Watts Eckhart Tolle for sure and there's just some really great minds out there who I resonate with but with dr. Daniel Siegel I don't know if it's seagull or say call or whatever but I've been saying seagull so I think it is dr. Daniel Siegel anyways I was talking about how he talks about the relational mind and he gives the definition of the mind as a process that regulates the flow of energy and information and it's both relational and embodied so embodied is the brain and relational is our relationships so it's like the space between people and our mind exists in that too and he talks about how and I'm not really sure it makes sense to me but I can't really explain it right now maybe later you can always look up his work that's why I talk about making ones mania relational through the traits so the manic traits are very they're quite social a lot of them and by making them relational by relating in that way of the traits as the traits it's practicing it's not only practicing that state to make it an actual trait embodied in the brain actually embedded in the neurophysiology and the neural anatomy and the neuro electricity of the brain and that also it changes the brain by acting a different way and and that's the thing is I feel like that extra energy in mania is actually to be shared and it animates us in these embodied ways as state a temporary state that to me is a spontaneous social behavior that is trying to basically get us to act in harmonious ways to save humanity and the planet and that spontaneous social behavior thing is a I got that from Buckminster Fuller when I heard that I just thought oh my gosh that's just like what mania is it's a spontaneous social behavior so how do we turn that spontaneous social behavior into actually embodied and relational ways of being on a daily basis and mania is like a vision casting State it gives us that vision that perception that we can be that way that we have it within us at any given moment to go into that and it's not because it's some kind of mysterious thing I think it's actually our natural way of being and the programming and the ego programming and the ways we've been educated throughout life which I actually believe that way of educating us stops us from learning so as children young young children were learning learning learning and then also we go to school we're taught to memorize all this stuff that's not learning and that's not how we learned as children so in my mind all that education is like it's like covering the brain with elastic bands and then like yanking on them and until one time until they end up snapping and breaking and when they all snap and break off then the minds clear and it goes back into that natural way of being and learning all the time we don't have to go sit in a classroom to think okay now it's time to learn we could be learning all the time every moment of the day just by looking around just like children would so I feel like there's a bit of a difference there with the state of mania is that it's not about necessarily reflecting on one's limited ego thoughts in the state of mania that's blown entirely apart and then we have access to an entirely different way of being and learning and it's hyper learning its creativity it's play it's embodying those manic traits it's like the adult child version of ourselves we feel free and it's because we're free of that ego programming and dr. Siegel also talks about how the brain is shaped by experience and relationships and I would imagine that's also shaped by how we experience ourselves by how we're being so for being those manic traits that we discovered we were in our manic state and we're now trying to make them traits by practicing them or noticing that we're able to be that way then that way it's going to change our brain it's going to change our relationships and is going to change how we experience our experiences and it's going to make it so we can actually create our experience instead of being like this is how I am walking around like a ping-pong ball and then wondering why certain things happen while we're experiencing things the way our our thoughts are shaping the experience to be and it can be a totally different way if we're practicing our romantic traits we might actually get different responses and then never actually experienced things in those ways that we're wondering why we experience why did that happen when it happened in our mind more so than anything else the things that we take personally so there's a lot to that I just find his work quite congruent with my thinking process along how how it relates oftentimes if I see something that's kind of science e4 I read a book I always am reading it from the perspective of well how does this relate to my experience of altered states of consciousness and usually usually it relates a lot it's like all there it's just the people that are writing it aren't writing it based on an experience of altered states of consciousness or the fact that they've gone through maniac because they haven't most of the time I don't actually read just books on I haven't read a book in a really long time actually but I don't read just books on mania and what it's about and what it's like I like to read stephane like neuroscience and then it's all there is the same you can extrapolate stuff too from childhood learning to mindfulness to the way the brain operates relationally or an embodied way too well how does that relate to mania and psychosis and and altered states of consciousness and you know I use the word mania but it's that's that's just a common term for it I don't even know if that's the best description because there's altered states of consciousness there's extraordinary states of consciousness there's non-ordinary states of consciousness and who wants to just be in an ordinary state of consciousness nobody does that's why people eat chips that's why people do drugs that's why people drink alcohol so for people to go into this extraordinary state of consciousness yet all of us are trying to get away from regular waking ego consciousness we're trying to meditate in a way we're trying to you know jump out of airplanes to make it go away we do everything to make our ego go away and then people in these altered states they actually get there and the coming back process is difficult and I think there's a coming back process because we have to come back to the overall relational mind the overall external nervous system it's like we have our own personal nervous system but then there's the collective nervous system probably the relational mind and so it's like it's like the force of gravity and it's like pulling us back to the collective social fabric and that's why I feel that people that go into these states of mania it's actually part of our sort of duty after we figure it out is to help reality level up a little bit so people that go up and then have to come down it's not quite a ways to come back down into the ego consciousness and as you know not all of us make it back to ego consciousness some of us don't make it back and that's just a fact I saw in that movie the not so secret life of the manic depressive that one in five people with bipolar disorder and their life and so far I haven't but that's nothing's guaranteed so part of my thoughts on this is actually you know this is working towards and moving towards creating a framework that's a bit more gentle for people so so maybe coming back isn't so difficult and there's things out there like peer respite centers they have some in the United States they used to have a Soteria house there's different projects that have RESP it's where people can go where there's actually peers they're people that have gone through it themselves and very little medication and and I went to a workshop with dr. Michael Cornwall and dr. David Luke off called I don't know something about being with extreme states or approaching extreme states with loving receptivity and dr. Michael Cornwall has a document on his website called best being with extreme States training and there's some tips in there on how to orient one's energy when approaching and supporting someone that's going through this kind of process and I feel and it's more of a transformation process and it's like transformation and then having to come back it's almost like a scrambled process it's like getting the ego scrambled and well it's scrambled and suspended a person sort of in this other state of consciousness because they're not in their ego consciousness and then the ego start of reforms and collects itself again and when a person comes back to their ego and it's a bit different and and then a person's usually diagnosed with something but I feel like once one reconnects with their ego self one can still look back at their experience as a vision casting experience and then say well what were my mana traits how can I start practicing them and I think I mentioned before there's a paper a called therapeutic lifestyle design by dr. Roger Walsh and there's a section in there that talks about service and he says that well there's a quote about how some researchers found that basically designing in service to others right away when somebody has a crisis could actually be very healing so maybe somebody had a supposed mental health crisis and just got a diagnosis maybe if they help the homeless people they will feel a bit better and that's what the study showed is that new services need to be designed around actually having this as one of the first steps of they'd probably say intervention I don't like that word but to me it's an alignment with what I've experienced going through mania and psychosis because I actually felt like I really wanted to help homeless people especially so if I would have come into a program that said oh well you're gonna help homeless people now you had this crisis but let's go help some homeless people you're in this little program I would have been like this is what I was trying to do so I feel actually that a person going through a crisis needs to be asked when they're coming back to their ego consciousness which is coming back to reconnecting with the reality which is we are all in ego consciousnesses together unfortunately if reality was designed purely with the manic traits and we're all interacting that way we would all experience reality differently and we'd probably all be in quite a large amount of ecstasy but it's not designed that way for now and what I was saying was that I don't know so yeah I think I was saying that a person they connect again with their ego consciousness and it's unfortunate it's sad it's a comedown it's a hangover it's a buzzkill it's a grieving process to be in that ego suspended state and come back but when I feel can look back at the experience and say okay what was the cause there are certain causes in the world that we're all sort of aware of that need to be fixed like screw ego problems in that suspended ego state we see world's problems we don't see personal problems the personal has been suspended probably so we can see the world's problems and start to maybe take interest so a person in my mind needs to be asshole what was the cause that you really resonated with what was the cause that tugged at your heartstrings when you weren't seeing through your ego mind and you were seeing through your heart and you're reading the electromagnetic fields of others through their heartbeat and pattern recognition and you know all the stuff that the heart math Institute researches they talk about the L energy of the heart and I don't know much about it but it's more powerful than brain waves and I think when the ego mind is suspended we actually see more with our heart and we're reading things with our heart there's seven times the amount of neural pathways going from the heart to the brain than from the brain to the heart meaning the heart is sending a lot of information to the brain now whether or not the brain is listening and and seeing what the heart is saying I think that depends on how identified one is with one's ego consciousness and one's own personal problems and desires and addictions and all that so all that extra information it's like we get that heart connection and we don't normally listen to it so I also think that this change in state is to allow us to see with our heart and listen to our heart and we're going to go back to our ego consciousness but can we still take the messages from that heart centered state and they might be special message as they just might we're told not to listen to these special messages but I think that that we're supposed to in a way once we come back to our ego mind we go back to thinking there's nothing we can do but there's still is stuff that we can do maybe it just doesn't feel as exhilarating as it did in the initial surge of that state but would we rather embody the dullness of what we've been given as the story of how to interpret our experience this one narrowband story or would we rather embrace our experience and harvest what we've learned from that state and from that journey and put it into play and think about the cause we connected with and actually reconnect with that cause even if we don't quite feel it and start to embody or manic traits even though we find it difficult and a lot of the difficult is in being medicated I feel and I'm no doctor and I'm not advocating for anything along those lines I do know of some things that can help but I won't talk about that here i also have a note here that memory retrieval modifies synaptic linkages and I I'm just thinking now that if I think back to my experiences and my first mania if I retrieve those memories and then I paint them with the story I've been given about how it's just a mental illness and there's no meaning and the special messages were a symptom etc etc etc that's going to change my synaptic linkages differently when I think of those aspects of my experience I'm going to think of them in terms of mental illness whereas if I recall my memories and I think what's the value in that what's the meaning in that do I recall how I felt in that experience do I remember what it was like to connect with that homeless person and even though if I was to try to connect with somebody right now it probably wouldn't feel the same is this about my pleasurable feelings or is it about action was i given the pleasurable feelings associated with that action during the state of mania so I might be motivated to actually go do that as a source of pleasure if you want to call it that or was that just pure joy was that just me being in the state of love the state of love different than my personal programmed pleasures and desires and I feel like asking questions and exploring those experiences in that way they're going to rewire my synaptic connections of that memory retrieval to something else it's going to be wiring them in terms of curiosity and wonder and that state alone was very much a state of curiosity and wonder so to be in curiosity and wonder about that state of curiosity and wonder might be a good thing instead of writing it off as illness even if that's a helpful interpretation for professionals to have of me or you or whoever let that be their business I'm not a professional I don't need to think in terms of the professional story I don't need to take that to heart I don't need to let that paint over all the patterns my heart saw when my ego was suspended when the ego comes back it sort of rights over or blocks out a lot of that experience but I'm not going to use the stories of the professionals to further distance myself from that experience and again i'm not talking about thinking about that experience in terms of I want that pleasure and ecstasy back because that's just more pleasure and desire that's just turning it into a dopamine reflex what I'm talking about is the ways we need to rise to as human beings in order to embody that and be in that naturally joyful state to me that experience in that state is a big clue where that way and we experience that much ecstasy and joy and then we come back to our normal way of being and we think why can't i have that well maybe we need to kind of work towards being that way we could wait for you know the universe to intervene and give it to us again but it's probably going to be just as disorganized and and disruptive as it was the time before when you think about it that energy is so incredibly powerful and we're these little fragile human beings and we managed to sort of wander around in that state for a while and to me practicing the manic traits that we learned about in manic state is about weight training it's building up our[Music]structural and physical and sort of mental and embedded neurological pathways if you can imagine practicing certain gestures and traits and ways of being that's going to be wired in our muscles that's going to be wired in our brains and our neurons so when this energy comes in again and tries to animate us in that way instead of having one little thin wire running on that pathway on that circuit of that behavior that gesture we're going to have a hundred and when that extra energy comes in we will be able to really utilize it will have already programmed ourselves to to operate in that way and I don't think we can completely a hundred percent mimic that but I think we can be a lot closer to that than we are in our default ego consciousness that we've tumbled towards throughout our lives and the people researching flow they have some courses and I haven't taken a course yet but I'm thinking too if I took those courses I would think a lot of the clues are in the state of mania but most people don't experience that state and then taking a flow of course on how to be in flow would be very beneficial but I think for us who have gone through mania we've already been in flow and not flow from being in an extreme sport that we're very talented in but just in daily life it's like being in thrown into the extreme sport of daily life of just being a player in daily life and and we don't understand that state so to me it's important to look back on it afterwards and learn from it and maybe taking a course on flow would help us understand more of how flow works because to me manias like the flow of the universe is trying to get us to flow it's a very flowing state but again society's not designed for us to just flow all day long 24 7 and the people that take this flow course they're probably trying to get in flow for like a few hours or a few minutes or for their workday to to get way more done in a shorter period of time and to me experience in mania as a backwards effect it's well we've already experienced flow we have no idea how it works we don't know how to use it we don't know how to design our lives around if that flow comes in again how can we utilize it that's another thing is that it's one thing to practice ones traits it's also good to say practice writing in your journal and and getting your thoughts together so maybe in mania you wrote a lot and you had a lot of stuff if you look at and you're like what was i even thinking but you might notice over time that it becomes more and more coherent so maybe next time fifty percent of it is clear whereas the first time twenty percent of it was clear so if you sort of build on the clear stuff eventually what you might want to say to people when you are in that state and you've been practicing your traits might come across more clearly than the first time where everything just come came flying out of your mouth whether it was coherent or not now this next time you have a little more practice on what it is you're actually trying to say and then eventually what you're saying is in line with your gestures and your traits that you've been practicing and then the other level of it is make sure that you have when that state comes if it comes again and you want to harvest it make sure you have your notebooks make sure you have one designated spot in your phone where you're going to write stuff make sure you have your Instagram so if you take beautiful photos and you want to share them you can because it's a very sharing state so make sure you have your lines of communication open not just with actual reality but also with technology and that can be iffy too because you don't want to post like YouTube videos of you talking for hours and hours and hours about stuff that you're not sure if you know you're talking about right but but anyways um anyway like you can actually you could make videos of yourself and just make them unlisted to your YouTube and then decide if you want to post it later and the good thing about that too is you can see what you were talking about in that state and go back to it later so for the most part you don't really want to share too much when you're in the state and you'd want to harvest it though so make a video of yourself talking about something you think is important and then so yeah that's part of like the harvesting mania lifestyle design just think about the ways you usually like to share you probably don't want to do that more and then ways you maybe could harvest your mania and look back at it because it might be more valuable than you think you might be you might be telling yourself stuff that you don't remember because you actually don't remember a lot of what happens in that state because the brain isn't in that mode that we're conditioned and programmed to think that learning is which is memory which is not so one day maybe I hope to have maybe a more solid thing created where sigh well these are ideas of ways that you might want to have this set up for when that extra energy comes so then you can harvest it always keeping yourself safe because that's that's one thing is harvesting and then you can harvest in retrospect after the fact but you can also do a bit of harvesting when you're in the state not that you're you're looking back and reflecting on it but it's more you're just collecting a lot of data so you might want to choose to collect your data of what you're learning about and thinking about in a way that you're going to want to go back to it so if you hate reading you might not want to do a lot of writing then you have to read it if you don't like looking at your face you might not want to do video you might want to do audio notes and it also depends on the capacity of your device if you have like a 32 gigs something or other you're not going to want to make videos you're going to get frustrated that's the thing in that state if there's glitches and technology and things it makes things more difficult but that's why you can always go back to good old pen and paper and I have a lot of notebooks full and I don't even want to go back and read them and i don't i don't know if i will but my main thing right now is is more about not as much sharing what i thought of in those states so i can't remember anyway but it's more about sharing that maybe there is a different way to see and utilize that state after the fact when we're safe there's a lot of work in the system of care to manage symptoms to think about relapse prevention and those are all valuable but I also feel it's very important to work at moving towards being our best self and often we had a glimpse of that in mania so why not take some of that information and put it into play in our lives and I feel also that by doing that it could actually act partly as relapse prevention because instead of sitting around scared and like just flinching at everything I'm actually moving towards being a better version of myself that I already am and just moving towards that and to me that would reduce the way if I self stigmatize I'd be less apt to do that if I'm working towards that I can imagine people in society would stigmatize me less and probably notice less that anything was wrong I could even perhaps mitigate some of the dullness that happens from you know what I talked about how when I was in the hospital and I was on a lot of you know what I changed my posture because it was actually making me feel heavy and crouch but i changed my posture and it actually made me feel like I was strong against the you know what I was actually strong it like no you're not going to make me in that posture which that posture makes me feel worse if you'd look at Amy Cuddy's TED talk on the power poses just doing a certain pose and standing a certain way for a few minutes can make us feel better well if we hunched over like this for 10 hours it's going to make us feel worse that's how I was experienced that experiencing that in the hospital so I consciously was like no and I actually most the time i was there i made sure i SAT like posture like i might do if i was in a finishing school in I don't know the early 1900s and it actually helped a lot so there's their small things that we can do to mitigate the effects of some of the things we have no control that are offered us and that's the other thing is getting a representation agreement and ate an advanced directive I have two representatives who have my advanced directive so if I get hospitalized they come in with my advanced directive and say this is the kind of treatment she is consenting to that she decided when she was well and not just and it's not unfounded it's the type of treatment that's got her in and out of this hospital very quickly and she does not consent to the one that made her say three times as long and go through hell and so it beneficials the entire system makes it should make it easier for the doctors should make it easier for the hospital I won't be there as long makes it easier on the system they're not paying taxes to pay for my stay three times as long as needed so it's a good thing to do because I have a crisis plan in my rap my wellness recovery action plan but in the psych ward your crisis plan that there's a section the treatments i can send to and the treatments I don't like well that's a bunch of crap so wrap turns to crap in the psych ward because they don't look at it they don't follow it unless it's actually put in your file somehow they're not going to listen so rap is crap in the psych ward otherwise it's a pretty good program and it's probably better to get a representation agreement and advanced directive and I have not been back to the psych ward since to test it out to see if it works I actually went as far as making a video advanced directive so it's me standing there with my mom and my sister and I'm saying I don't want this crap treatment and in say that so I spelled it out in like two and a half minutes or two minutes so that way sometimes it's more difficult to find a piece of paper nowadays than it is to have a phone and show video I thought it was a lot more powerful the video and so now I feel I feel safe from the system because i have my representation agreement and my advance directive I feel pretty safe from myself because I have my PRN seroquel that I actually have a voice secretary app that every day alerts me and I could press it and would say do you need to drag off seroquel I never listened to it though I just see the alert and I kind of ignore it but and I'm probably habituated to it but I do actually now I'm to the point where if I feel a bit off or a bit weird I really think I actually take note of it I take mental note of it and and I think like am I disconnecting am I going downhill and I because the last thing I want is to go back to the psych ward and before I have not been quite so mindful about it and maybe let myself get to psych ward condition and that could have been avoidable and now I really do want to avoid it because of how I was treated last time and I also feel safe because of my zap strap thing that I talked about I have a zap strap that's just big enough to go around my wrist and the bedpost by my bed and I have one in my bathroom because I could attach myself to the pipe under the sink and I have one in my car because I could attach myself to my car like steering wheel or something which seems weird he'd be driving around attached to the steering wheel but hopefully I wouldn't be driving around and I also have one my purse so it's just and it's good idea for me to have an idea of where I would fasten myself and part of the plan would be to make sure have my phone with me so I can decide if I I want to calm down I'd probably already also want to grab just one or two seroquel I wouldn't want to grab an entire bottle and have it beside me and also if I was going to fasten myself wherever I was I would probably move stuff that I could hurt myself with and I don't think i would but the kind of the point is to be to have nothing of harm within arm's reach from being zapped strapped and just have say like a couple of the seroquel and and a phone and even if I say I forgot my phone and it was across the room I could yell hey Siri and and she would probably dial somebody for me so there's that too I'm thinking next time I if I really disconnect that that's what I might do is just take a couple seroquel zap strap myself and try and calm down and then once I was calm then I would call for somebody to disconnect me from the SAP strap and so that would also require making sure that my dad bolt isn't on so there's some planning around it and I mentioned before how once i was about to fasten myself and after moving stuff around and then grabbing some things like a laptop and a pillow then I realized oh I don't have to I don't feel I felt safe knowing I could and then when I was taking my sweet time and kind of gathering things I realized hey I feel better so then I never had to but then I called my mom after that I know for myself at least whenever I've had the urge to end my life on several occasions I've never actually wanted to I've never I was never thinking I want to it felt like I had to and I was terrified and it felt like I was going to do it and I didn't want to and there it was the most terrifying feeling ever and[Music]and to me I just I really wonder and I'm saddened by I don't know how many people if they feel that if they feel it like that I just hope that people might carry his zap strap and and just it's so terrifying just fasten yourself and wait somebody will come and help you just don't be near anything harmful just throw it away
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this energy is the energy of action perception action when we see something we must act and it's also a state of lots and lots of ideas and we're entertaining ideas and were being entertained by ideas and not to say they're facts they're just ideas and I remember watching an interview with David Bohm Dr. David Bohm and he said to David Suzuki that we need another source of ideas and to me this other state is a good source of ideas it's a source of ideas that most of them don't come from a person's ego consciousness and also Einstein talked about problems won't be solved by the same level of thinking that created them this again to me is a different level of thinking it's not all completely coherent and intelligible but it's a different level and maybe there's 99 not so great ideas to everyone good idea but there might be a million times the ideas then a person in ego consciousness will ever get and I feel some of these could be harvested for the good and a lot of us create visions and and have these visionary experiences of how to help the world if we put those together I think a lot could be created so in that state there is a wider range of thought associations and it's making new associations and new connections and a lot of that is based on the patterns one sees in reality and one is learning through that pattern recognition and extrapolation process mania is like the universe brainstorming through it shakes up the prefrontal cortex which is a lot of the ego thought structure it shakes it up it scrambles it J Krishnamurti has a great quote that he repeated often I am the world and the world is me and he said it as it is a fact and I believe it was a fact for him this is how he experienced the world and it's not something that you can say verbally and that doesn't mean a person experiences it in my mind a person in mania experiences the world as I am the world and the world as me and this can be ecstatic and this can be terrorizing it depending on what is going on in a person's consciousness and to go in that state and first be awakened to the fact that one is the world and the world is one especially the first time can be very troubling and it perhaps gets easier over time it's like opening the can of worms the first time if I was the world in the world was me how would I want to be how would you want to be if if it was just one thing and I am the world in the world does me also implies complete responsibility and he talks about this too that were each responsible for the whole world and in the state of mania we actually do feel completely responsible for the whole world and I think that's why a lot of people feel like I have to save the world or I'm a hero or there's some kind of plot going on because we just really feel like complete responsibility for the world and that can be associated to a lot of different metaphors and stories when a person is in that state any kind of story can be made up in one's mind in order to confirm that felt sense of this is how it is and there's a truth to that that we are each completely responsible for the world when this energy comes in it's like having a conversation with the universe with the cosmos it's no longer having this monologue happening in one's head about one's own personal ego complexes but it is the universe having a conversation through you with you as you and it's talking with that and that conversation it's not like a linear logical rational conversation because the universe doesn't really work on rational principles the ego mind works based on logic and rationality when that breaks down whatever it is that's coming through is not going to be logical and rational because the ego is no longer filtering it that way and so it's a matter of listening and witnessing the conversation without taking it too personally I think and I feel like if the the psychosis process is initiated which is like the downswing it's like the deceleration it's coming back to one's ego consciousness it's almost like psycho biofeedback that I'm on the path or I'm gonna on a path that's not quite right or you know it's just part of the the coming back process or I'm involved in things doing things that I'm not supposed to be doing and not as in it that's wrong it's just I'm wasting the energy that I've been gifted with and and that's a part of embodying the mania too is practicing so that when the energy comes back one can make make it relational as opposed to squandering it and I feel like the the land of that altered state of that goes between mania and psychosis is I've called it map land it's like a map making land it's like the body and and psychosis is kind of a compass kind of keeps one on track in a way or or eventually it's a compass that leads eventually back to one's eco consciousness because it's difficult for a person to stay in that consciousness indefinitely when it's not embodied in the neurology and the physiology and it's not the way Society is designed in but I feel like that state is trying to design this society in the way it needs to be for that to be the way people can be to be imaginative people could actually be there there unscathed itself mania is like trying on possibilities the egos very attached to consistency and mania is very disorganized because the ego is the organizer and at that point it scrambled so it's not able to do its version of organizing and and I think that scrambling is necessary for the self organization of the universe to reorganize a person's internal structure for them to be how they need to be and of course that's usually screwed up by medications we are something beyond the ego and then we medicate ourselves to stay chained to the ego we have medicalised this entire process and it's a process of one's magic being ignited it's the false ego being broken apart by life energy the ego is just habit is programming its conditioning it's not even life it's it's conforming to a pattern and then this life energy comes in and gives us so many more possibilities and degrees of freedom and we call this llll when really I think that people have a lot to learn from this date this other state this map state this manic state is like the universe doing neuro linguistic programming it's changing our the way we speak what we say how we say it the sentences we use the words we use and it's like the universe doing neuro linguistic programming through us and changing us into neuro linguistic programming so that's another part of embody one's mania is the neuro linguistic and the gestural behavioral things we need to be in order to repattern reprogram reality and it's not even reprogramming its deprogramming because there are these natural ways of us being that we don't get to be because we're programmed and the energy seems to want it to tell us hey we can change the world we are as gods and we all are and and we do want to help the world and it's again back to the world centricity thing the energy of mania changes our behavior and a lot of our behavior becomes you know virtuous in a way in that we're being giving and we're sharing we're being altruistic and we're actually at the same time decoupling ourselves and not being entangled with the social morality of competition and anger aggression violence a lot of people go through these states have a very difficult time with those types of behaviors in that state I remember being very sensitive to any kind of violence or anything like that because again a person in that state is very sensitive and you can feel that and again even if one isn't in that state we're still being bombarded by that stuff and it is affecting our psychophysical spiritual energy it is affecting our being it is getting saved in our cellular memory and you know that's happening to all of us all the time like all the stuff that you know all these toxins of these memes that are being stored in us are just unimaginable and that's another reason why it's sometimes difficult to come back into society and fit in in competition in competitive jobs and things like that if we could create a world based on the behavior of somebody in the peak beauty of mania this world would be a beautiful place and we would all be our most beautiful magical version of ourselves guaranteed mania is actually a writing mechanism meaning is writing the ego it's putting in its proper place especially when one is in the manic state it's trying to make it right and then this whole process is pathologized and it seems that there's a thought around how these thoughts are bad and causing bad behavior a lot of that is actually thoughts and behaviors of mainstream society and that's often what a person reconnects with when they're coming back to their ego consciousness and it's very confusing and it's very disorientating and it's very disturbing to think oh crap I'm back in this realm of crap and so one can be you know more like violins and all these things that one was very disconnected with in the state of mania and but it's almost again like a fight for one's life in a way it's like fighting for the life that one just was and now they're back in this sort of pseudo living arrangement there's disease disease in disengaging from these thought patterns and the people that gave them to us it's difficult to come back so the programming and the conditioning and the thoughts are actually the disease and another thing about the embodying one's mania and behaving in certain ways the altruistic ways of being the spontaneous social behaviors these behaviors are actually going to change one's thought patterns they're even going to change what a person says because certain gestures go with certain things to say and certain intention so that will actually reprogram some of the ego thought patterns that are less good and I've mentioned before how it would be amazing to design this altruism into one's life right away after a crisis of some sort because it moves a person back into alignment with that which the process was trying to create it's almost like we we get that energy and we use it all a lot of it in trying to help and and in action and it eventually dissipates and we almost nearly kill ourselves being temporary heroes and and a person isn't really seen as a temporary hero they're seen as a mental patient when really the experience is more like being a temporary hero and and almost in a battle or not through all of it but some of it feels like quite a battle at least the coming back to ego consciousness process it's quite a fight and to make it through alive it doesn't always happen so people aren't really acknowledged they for what they really go through it's such a it's such a a process it's almost like a war of a different kind in part of it it's like a war to come back to the ego consciousness world and survive and you know while a person is in that state of mania they're actually kind of like a hero doing what they can do while they're in that other state with that other energy as that animated self that they are and it's a temporary thing but a person gets some good work done and then they come back and they aren't rehabilitated from that perspective they're you know often mistreated and that energy that animates us we are not that animated on a daily basis because of our thoughts and aren't thinking how often are we about to do something but we we overthink it or we second-guess ourselves and we don't perform that gesture or that action because we think first and then we stop ourselves every time that happens that actually kind of changes our muscles in it it saves that tension in our body and you know that's how over time a lot of us get sort of contorted and distorted and the way we stand and the way we walked we don't even notice but but it's not it's not natural and it's not good for the body in space and the effect of gravity if you look up the information around roll thing it's really interesting about how over time gravity punches us over and stuff like that but if we're standing properly and straight it's not going to affect us in that way and even just look at the effect of how technology is changing body shapes from people sitting all the time and and having extra weight to kids on phones or anyone who uses a lot of Technology and is constantly hunched over to look at it I've seen you know people in their early 20s who their head is like a foot in front of their body it is not good for the body because if it's that way when a person is 20 their head is gonna be down at their freakin navel by the time they're 50 I think a synonym of mania is energy and also light and possibly quantum and hologram and learning and also play in creativity which are part of learning and the energy it comes in and animates us in a way that we react in different patterns and that way of acting actually re patterns reality there are special messages and the special messages are trying to help us get back to that light body version of ourselves and the special messages feel special because they're coming from something other than the ego monologue there they're a different source of words and thoughts and insights and ideas and that can feel special when it's not the normal bloody blah that one is used to so they're special in that way that it's not what one is used to but they might not be that special in that once one gets used to it it's not really that special it could just be the way our brains are designed to see and learn and act that we've been conditioned out of doing in that way I feel like the first experience feels very extraordinary and then over time it can actually just be the way one is as that energy is trying to animate us in a certain way if we if we practice animating ourself in that way like I mentioned before we might not even really notice but the thing is that in that state animated in that way we think this is perfect this is wonderful I don't need anything just being this way so if we practice to become that we don't necessarily need the energy because we'll probably still have that sensation that hey this is how I want to be so I don't like if I can be me and I can be how I want to be then I don't need any extra state I don't need entertainment I don't need pleasure traps I don't need all these things that hijack my attention and I also feel that this energy is it's not just about normalizing it but it's about extraordinary reality making it a bit more extraordinary and I think I've talked in different videos about how it's a hyper meaning state we're describing extra meaning to everything well we're trying to make the world a little bit more meaningful this other state also shows that we have other faculties and senses besides the physical senses being able to sense how someone's feeling being able to understand something by looking at it experiencing one's past life there's the list goes on and on and I feel like some of these gifts are great and some of them like maybe some of them are temporary and then maybe some of them can actually be cultivated in daily life but also there has to be some kind of point to them I guess I'm just trying to say that being attached to any of them could be problematic in ego consciousness we see our personal problems but in worldcentric consciousness we see the troubles of the world this other state is a temporary suspension of the ego or scrambling of the ego just as if a person takes an illicit drug there's a comedown and it's often quite distressing now a person going into manic consciousness and they're coming back to regular consciousness there's also a comedown and it doesn't mean it's a mental illness it just means calm down are hard and difficult and especially if one goes into a an organic mania and is there for a long period of time the calm downs couldn't be quite difficult in long often times and that doesn't necessarily have to mean it's a mental illness it's just a person's coming back from a different state of consciousness and and in the other state of consciousness in mania if we're not thinking with our personal ego process then the universe is thinking for us and through us and we can either be a host to the thoughts of the universe which a lot of times are like Wonder and awe so a thought of Wonder isn't necessarily saying that's how something is a lot of what I'm talking about is actually just wondering and being curious not actually trying to find facts and like with all this talking really it's to me about about altruism or being in the state where one is altruistic which out without thinking I'm being altruistic and I think the ego thinking process actually decreases the bits of information available to us from the universe and what we're seeing around us because it's filtered through the ego and to go with that I think that so-called hallucinations and delusions are actually the universe kind of showing us like the ego is not in charge it's not the author of this it is very weak in comparison to the strength of what can come through and be shown to the light of perception and to me it's like the growing pains of the universe trying to take root in the brain right now the ego has its roots in the brain but the universe wants to reclaim the brain for its own purpose not for our own individual programmed desire pleasure dopamine hits in this way I think that adding to the ego in personal growth is actually false it's just adding new thoughts and concepts which can be blown apart by the universe on any given day and when you think about how entrenched the brain is with ego thoughts the brain has become kind of a vestigial organ it's just not really doing much but playing thoughts on repeat and you know the thoughts are kind of like like chewing your gum and swallowing it and they're just kind of caught in there and then we think that there's like value and that thought turns our brain into a vestigial organ instead of a living organ living with what one is actually seeing the ego is the disease - this energy it blocks this energy it makes us one dimensional beings and this energy animates us in multi-dimensional ways and normal means having this consistent steady state ego I can imagine one day this will not be the desirable way to be and I've talked before about the adjacent light body possible self it's our quantum hologram of untouched information and energy and the reason why we're not collapsing the wave function around being this version of ourselves is because of how we're thinking and we're not thinking in terms of that way of being thinking in terms of thought actually makes us not be that version of ourselves and our eyes they get trapped by thought and and then that is the author of our life that the compass of our life is that limited range of thoughts that's the compass of what we can see so when that energy comes in breaks up our our ego thought and scrambles it that's why we can see because that thing that filter that judge that chooser that like or that dislike er is is broken up and suspended and all of a sudden we can see something beyond our own personal tastes that we've decided to use to navigate reality which is just conditioned and in that way we're actually interacting with living things and something that's really there not just our choice of what we perceive to think is there
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I've done a lot of talking and a lot of what I'm talking about I would like to summarize by saying it's kind of like hacking mania so I've talked about mania as a vision casting state I've talked about embodying one's mania I've talked about harvesting one's mania for one's manic traits and it's not about the manic state as much as it is embodying one's manic traits and I talked about the idea of harvesting practicing and embodying so harvesting one's mania practicing the traits and then getting to a point where one is embodying one's manic self and daily life not as in the manic state but actually in daily life and it's embedded in the body in the neurophysiology in the neural networks and in the gestures in the muscle memory so one has become that which one was in the state mania and that's one of the things that makes mania so desirable is one really loves how how one is and so my thought is that we can still be that way in daily life it just might take a little bit of practice and even though it takes practice in daily life it doesn't necessarily have to take practice because one can become manic or in the manic state with a snap of a finger and my thought is by practicing embodying the version of oneself that one is in mania when that extra energy comes it will actually be able to be more efficient and be able to be enacted relationally and this is another thing that I thought of was that this extra energy that we that takes over us in a way a lot of times it is directed into creativity playfulness learning and just a bunch of the different manic traits and a lot of those traits and a lot of the creativity is actually something we want to share or we want to make it relational and a lot of times if we are out in public we get into conversations with strangers that we otherwise wouldn't get into and so in that way we're actually making it relational by relating with others with that manic energy and they might not even be aware that we're in the state of mania because they've never seen us before that's one of the benefits of strangers if I was in a manic state and acting out of character around my family they would start giving me the funny eyes like what is wrong with you and I would probably sense that and it would be sort of one of those buzzkill experiences and that energy gets dissipated instead of that energy getting shared relationally with a stranger who might actually find the interaction quite enjoyable with the family interaction if I'm out of my character of my normal ego self that energy is going to be dissipated in being defensive or getting into some kind of something over something and it'll be kind of a waste and it'll also bring me down and probably agitate me because I'm not being allowed to be that self that I'm wanting to be or that energy is wanting me to be that's the thing too that extra energy comes in and animates us in different ways it through through gesture through so many different things I've experienced in the manic state being a lot stronger a lot more flexible and this is just overnight there's no reason why I should have way more strength there should be no reason why I can dance sufficiently better even though i am not really dancer um and I'm stronger and if I run through a bush of prickles I don't get a scratch on me somehow so there's a lot of different things and another thing is my family they comment that I look taller which is interesting they always say oh you look taller so there's those are just some physical things that that happened but really it's that energy I think that energy totally releases all the muscle tensions that are the ego memory complexes stored in the muscles and the adapt tations we make over time and gravity that energy comes in and takes a lot of that away so I do think there are a lot of clues in the manic state and if one can survive it I've gone into a state of psychosis after and also states a depression which may have been caused more so the depression might have been caused more so by the medication i was given it's hard to say but it's a difficult state to survive and it's important to keep yourself safe number one i don't i'm not talking about being in a manic state and/or actually trying this one animatic state I'm actually saying if you had a mania say a couple years ago when you think back on it what things might you want to incorporate into your life not by any means saying go into a manic state because the state is actually dangerous especially in today's times where it's misunderstood if we had a an understanding of it that it's like a visionary state a vision casting state a hyper learning state then maybe we would have supports in place for people that go into these states to make the best of it in the safest way possible because most times a person in that most beautiful wonderful part of the mania that person is not interacting with any kind of system of err it's not until later when things start to get more messy that happens so what I'm saying is we forget to look at the state before the mess and if we ever do oftentimes I feel like it's like to think oh I hope that happens again or I want that back my point is to say we can be that way without having to go back to that state which which is actually dangerous and I feel like by practicing embodying that we can move towards that and we can actually make the state less dangerous because we will be it's almost like strength training for when that energy comes in we will already have practice being those ways because that energy comes in and wants us to be a certain way it makes us a certain way well what if we move towards practicing being that way then does the energy have to come in and make us that way maybe the energy will come in like a slow tide as opposed to a tsunami because we you know the energy is animating us in ways that we've never been before and so if we can move towards being those ways then if the energy comes back will we be in those ways so it's not that dissonant it's more resonant with our psycho biophysical structure and I have no idea if that's true and that's something I have to put in practice in my life and part of the reason I'm making these videos is to track my progress sort of I don't think I'm really tracking my progress as much as progressing on the ways that I choose to think about learning from these extreme states of consciousness and my thought too is that maybe one day it won't really be an extreme state of consciousness maybe I don't need to go to extreme states of consciousness to be that way because maybe I'm even in an extreme state of consciousness but I don't notice because all that extra energy has somewhere to go it's made relational and that's another thing as I feel this energy comes into our life to make us more relational we become more social for a good period of the experience and those social interactions change the fabric of reality ever so slightly and the way the energy animates us is to be more altruistic to be more giving to be more generous to be more perceptive to be more insightful to be more thoughtful to see things more clearly to act on things right away as opposed to thinking oh I'll get to that later and I feel that that energy is trying to get us to be more that way and that passes it on to the social fabric through the mirror neuron system so these spontaneous social behaviors can become a positive social contagion and actually change the way we relate to each other even if there aren't a ton of people doing it it still has a small effect and I think that energy comes in and that energy is dissipated through these interactions and then we eventually sort of come back down into our material ego self so what I'm saying is that this energy is actually meant to be used relationally it's meant to animate us in ways that make us relate in ways that are actually going to change the fabric of society so the more we can practice being those ways and change the fabric of society maybe the more likely that energy will come back to us in an bodied way because in my mind this energy is trying to orient us towards world centricity towards seeing that we're all connected and we're all one and there's a lot of talk about we're all connected and we're all one but who else has had the experience in an altered state of consciousness in say an organic mania where you literally are perceiving the world as it is all one it's all one process it's all one big thing and and we're all a part of it there's no real separation so that energy comes in and we actually see and experience the world that way and we interact with the world in the world as the world with that perspective so what I'm saying is the energy makes us worldcentric it makes us relate in these different ways that are worldcentric ways and the worldcentric ways of being and seeing and in that way the energy is actually not for you and it's not for me it's for the world and it's the energy of the world and it's the energy of world centricity and it's trying to get us to see the world this way because this is the way the world actually is and we can't see it that way because of our ego thought programs and so the energy comes in and sort of wipes away those ego thought programs temporarily so we can actually see and we see like holy crap this is beautiful this is amazing this is so magical it's wonderful and it's difficult to stay there if the energy comes in we're being worldcentric in an egocentric world so the energy eventually in my thought in my lined gets dissipated and when it does we come back from that world of perceiving holistically worldcentric Lee and as we come back to this other way of being we do we're reacquainted with our ego and and it's a very confusing process it's almost like oftentimes it feels like dying because it's almost like dying to the real world that we saw and coming back to this world of the egos contrivances and how we've been brought up to see the world which isn't the true way of seeing and and then I've mentioned before I think that that other way of the true way of seeing or the way we see in that so called manic state is like we are our light body version of ourselves which is like our basic information not written over by any of the ego programs and it's always with us it's always part of us it's like our light body self and the energy of mania comes in and sort of blasts away all the programs that are stored in our muscle memory and our neural musculature in our posture and our in all the ways we've tensed up and and the ways we've we've practiced being as our ego self that's all wiped away and we feel free and we feel like we can see and we feel so many things and to me that's the trajectory of our growth if it was never written over by any kind of programs or experiences or or situations or circumstances or or traumas so that version is always there and that's why we can click into it if that energy comes in and wipes away the ego programming stuff and it's like an activation energy and things that we can the ego there's people that go into that through drinking too many red bull it's people that go into it through not sleeping and in a way that scrambles the ego it loosens its hold because a person doesn't have that much sleep or some people fast and don't need any food that can also scramble the ego and in my mind that energy comes up to help scramble the ego the ego thoughts if we have our favorite you know hundred thoughts that we think on repeat that energy comes in and all of a sudden gives us new thoughts and associations and not all of them are correct and we sort of have a sense like that's true is that false and it's almost like being a child again where when we learn we'd probably have no idea like what's right and wrong we just we almost have to poke it something to know how it works yet as the adult re learning things we don't know we don't have an adult to like say hey it is is this how gravity works is this how my legs work there's a lot of different things to learn and not all of them are right and the thing is that the ego is the mechanism by which we determine what's correct and it's not correct so that being blasted apart at least temporarily we don't have that thing saying oh yeah that's right no that's wrong and but I feel like this is an important part of the process it's almost like a second brain growth and I don't know if I talked about that but to me if there's all these new thoughts and new associate that may or may not be correct there has to be an equivalent congruent change in the brain neural plastically so the ego structures have kind of blown apart and that gives rise to the all these other thoughts and insights and ideas and possibilities to come into conscious awareness and there are so many possibilities and in that way it's like the brain grows a ton and to me at there at some point there's like a pruning process and unfortunately I think a lot of it a lot of the learning is pruned away by the mental health system saying oh don't worry about all that stuff that was all just a bunch of delusion that was all just a bunch of mental illness well I took notes of all the stuff that I thought and a lot of it doesn't make sense but a lot of it does and it seems like over time what I right makes more and more sense so maybe I'm pruning my own thoughts now but I have a sense that people go into that state and it's a hyper learning state it's like this quantum holographic learning state and I just made up that term I just like the word quantum and I just like the word holographic and I just like how you know the quantum stage is like there's superpositions of possibilities that the wave function has to be collapsed to to make the possible actual and I feel like there's all these possibilities floating around in that brain state and it's almost up to us to decide what to collapse so maybe we have two thoughts and they're both classified as delusion but if we decide that we're going to sort of pursue one of them as a possibility and collapse it into actuality somehow well then it's actually we're moving towards creating that as a possible reality and we can make that relational so what I'm saying is we can start to collapse our own wave functions instead of being told what to know and we can change the knowledge of reality by harvesting this learning state instead of just forgetting about it and and the point with it is too is that it's a learning state it's not facts it's not science it's just learning kids never learned based on facts based on being two years old and having facts and learning it's a different mode of learning and I think it's actually quite equivalent to how the child's brain learns and that's why it's a lot of it is nonsensical but that is also necessary if it was all just sensical than it it would just be in alignment with with reality and and there would be no individuality and i think i think that the state is also trying to restore us to our original state and our original learning state of hyper learning i don't know if you've had the experience of just being able to like look at something and understand how it works that's another thing about this hyper learning state of mania is that I feel the eyes and the brain look at things and recognize patterns so it's not about recognizing a thing it's about recognizing congruent patterns and other processes and then extrapolating it immediately so in that way by looking at a spider's web we might understand something else I can't think of anything right now but or by in that state we might look at a spider's web and be like oh I get it that makes total sense and it would make sense that kids brains learn up it like that because otherwise it was just a linear process it would take a really long time to learn all that they learn so all this stuff I'm talking about is like pseudo theoretical bullcrap okay it's not really real i'm talking about how my brain seems to work in the manic state and i'm explaining it based on my own experience and I'm thinking back to it and harvesting it I'm doing what I said in these videos would be cool to do which is to harvest one's mania so I'm harvesting I am like the queen of the crop maker of mania harvesting and by speaking about it in these videos and maybe releasing it one day no idea I would like to make these ideas relational I'm putting my electrons on YouTube I'm putting my patterns I'm putting my morphogenetic field on YouTube and I'm hoping that other people who have experienced these dates might begin to see some of the value and and the value is really in how we are going to change the collective fabric of reality to be more conducive to these ways of being so then they when the energy comes that's that's how reality is already designed so we can work to align reality with how we are in those states because we remember how we are were in those states what was that energy trying to create how are we trying to be what were we trying to do well we can still do it after the fact and we don't have to be in that state to work towards that what else is there to do so one day I hope to either stop making videos or make videos out in the collective reality and maybe I will have some of my modalities like my magical backpack which is a backpack full of crap to create cognitive dissonance heart resonance pattern interrupts kindness giving sharing surprises and be some sort of kindness or wellness ambassador of sorts self-employed employed by the universe that's sort of how we feel like being in the manic state we think oh I'm here to really help the world well let's just go do it don't have to feel all that manic energy and if we go out and do it maybe we'll actually get the feeling of some of that energy because giving sharing being altruistic are all things that were wired to receive the reward of oxytocin versus our little dopamine pleasure traps that we go about collecting in our daily reality like watching TV and eating crap well we can go create oxytocin which feels so much better so these are like selfish good deeds and so maybe i'll be taking my my camera and stuff out to reality because i actually did want to capture stuff when i was in that state and i did capture some of it actually i mostly audio recording like back five and a half years ago i did make one video which i called the fly whisperer and that video messed me up because I was like wow that was a divine experience and it sort of defied the laws of nature because I was hanging out with flies and going like like this right at them and they wouldn't fly away I could have probably touched them and they wouldn't have flown away and that was really weird it was like they weren't scared of me they knew I wasn't gonna squash them or something um so that was my one video but with technology i could probably make more now it won't be so slow to upload stuff and the thing is to was hum well to go with that is random acts of kindness or intentional acts of kindness and i have this thing that the ego perception of reality is blindness and then the other energy is kindness from blindness to kindness and going from being a survivor to a thriver i don't want to just be a survivor and then look back at the system and say I'm mad at you I want to be like a thriver and then look back and say I'm it's it's sad system that you didn't know what was really going on and I forgive you and I'm going to be moving on and having something I also think that we really need to kill them with kindness we need to just be really really kind and turn the system on its head because all of a sudden they don't have all these ill people they have all these kind people being kind even though they were treated poorly and and I really feel we can go from from dullness to wellness I don't know if we're all ill but a lot of us are made dull by you know what and we can go from dullness to wellness and we really can kill them with kindness we can make the system less needed just by being more kind and maybe one day it won't be really that needed at all society is not designed for us to be so sensitive and that's the thing when all that extra energy comes in were sensitive to so many different things we're sensitive to sound we're sensitive to other people's feelings we recognize patterns as I mentioned so in that way we look at somebody we can see their pattern and we can see exactly what they're feeling and experiencing because we can see their pattern we can read their body language we can read their gestures we could read their posture and we can read their words we can read their tone of voice we can read so much more so in that way we actually empathize that much more it's like the mirror neuron system is turned on like crazy or it could just be that the ego actually dulls out the mirror neuron system so when it's scrambled by this energy we can actually read other people's energy and it's also it's a state of oneness where we don't really see another person as another person we actually see them as ourselves or feel the oneness so in that way anything that we look at we're kind of that and we're experiencing that and we're understanding that in that total perception so it's almost like anything we look at we understand we're empathetic we are that as well as ourselves and the line becomes very blurry and because of that it's difficult to sense all of that all day long and at some point if the energies if we're really sensitive it's hard to say what is me and what is somebody else and then it can get really confused and and also since there's a lot of bad stuff going on out there seeing too much bad stuff can actually really take us down because we want to do something about it and we can't so that's another thing is if we do something about some of the bad stuff maybe we won't feel so so helpless and that's another reason why we feel very altruistic is that we feel that pain we feel that pain where we feel that joy so it's difficult to not try to do something about that because we feel that and everybody I feel feels that to some level but it's really it's blocked out and it's probably necessary and the more we can do to to help the world the more we won't have to feel those things when people go into those sensitive States hopefully they'll run into more butterflies and roses and not people laying on the street like garbage society is also not designed for us to be that happy and to be that and to have that much joy in living so the state of extra energy this mania as it's called and psychosis when a person is treated for it its treated as a personal problem when really that extra energy is worldcentric its relational it's trying to connect somebody with one's altruism so it's kind of a slap in the face when all of a sudden it's turned into a personal problem and a person is labeled and then said something is wrong with you and now you have this big problem to deal with so big that you're never going to get reacquainted with your altruism which was the purpose of it in the first place part of the purpose enough when I say things that sound reductionist I'm not trying to reduce it to that one thing because it's not I know it's not that simple and um usually when I have a thought or an idea about something I probably have like 10 or 20 thoughts about it it's just I can't say that every single time I mentioned one thing and that's the other thing I was going to say is that even making these videos part of it is to to practice saying this stuff because I can't remember anything I can't even remember if i made a document about what i was writing about and I'll just find it like oh oh I kinda remember that so have very little memory and that way I find it difficult to to like have a book or something and try to make this linear logical book and I probably said this before too and I vaguely remember but I feel like my memory is going my memory is going more and more and and and i think i have to be okay with that because the thing is that this other state this learning state it's an always learning state and when a person is always learning and not memorizing then there's less and less memory it's like that learning can be prompted to come out again um actually noticed i was looking on my blog and a few of these things that i'm talking about i was talking about a year ago and not really in the words that I'm saying but it was like the seed of of the idea i guess and i had no idea because when i just started writing stuff in the last month maybe whoa this is like all new so that's the thing it always seems new every time that I say it and I have stuff written down but I get this it's like a weird feeling to know that I have a no memory in my mind it's not that people have mental illnesses as that people don't have egos it's an illusion so a person has like this ego self this consistent self and the energy comes up and breaks up this consistent self and then a person is said to be ill when they're reorienting and reorganizing their thought structures and their their ego and they're coming back to their ego self it's like you're ill but in my mind a person isn't their ego there's something beyond that and they got in touch with that beyond and it's going to reorganize things not that in my mind the egos in the way of a person being in their natural state and so a person goes into their natural state and then is brought out of it through being intervene with or the buzz kills the energy drainers interacting with family who have their own past image projections of how person should be so many different things a person's so-called crisis or mania as actually to change the collective fabric towards what actually is which is the oneness which is the connection which is seeing things holistically which is acting altruistically not because one things oh I need to act altruistically because of how one sees it is because it is one it is connected so the concept of altruism actually disappears is not oh I'm going to be altruistic it's just how a person is and so and that goes with a lot of the different traits and gestures and different ways that people are animated as being in the state of mania a person's not thinking oh I'm being so find oh I'm being so generous it's only in looking back after the fact as our ego self in the world of concepts and thoughts that we can think oh this is how I was I was kind one isn't thinking that way in that state it's a state beyond concepts it's a state of action not a state of reaction but action seeing and acting so the apparent breaking down is actually the transformation from egocentric consciousness which is more like unconsciousness to worldcentric consciousness that energy is for the world that's another reason why oftentimes people lose it is because because they take it personally they take it as a personal pleasure and they turn it into pleasure when really it's to be shared we're all one consciousness and that's the thing with the whole mental illness thing is that we really need to question the prior assumptions that we are these individual egos we are really one consciousness and I believe quantum physics and metaphysics and spirituality talks about that at infinitum and my experience and how I attempt to point to it is quite congruent with the few findings or the some of the findings that I'm actually aware of and I'm not going to go out there and research all the science to prove my my ideas and insights because that would just be boring I'd rather just make up so we hear these things like treat your neighbor as yourself treat others as you want to be treated and there's a lot of wisdom in those statements and I've talked about before how I came to the insight that we're killing each other with our thoughts feelings and actions and gestures we can actually kill people with our thoughts and with our actions so for example say I'm driving along and I have a thought oh I should check my phone and I look down and I check it and I run over somebody my thought just killed that person I wasn't paying attention and that is an example how a thought leads to an action which kills somebody um but the same thing could happen with just thinking something it creates a ripple or the thought changes the expression on your face and people see that and they react to it subtly and so just collectively all this vibration of stuff is it adds up and that's another way or that's another reason I think that this energy comes in and takes people over and animates them in maniac type fashion to try and shake that up it's almost like a person is being made into an agent of cognitive dissonance and pattern into rap to try to interrupt the pattern of people and their their robotic ways of being it's almost I talked about before the universe it's a preventative mechanism it's an evolutionary force of the universe to prevent us from all being programmed into these robotic drones which we kind of already are and then there is people who become even more like robotic drones and become professionals who decide to treat the people who emerge with this energy who are actually designed by the universe with this energy to change things up a little bit and people aren't being supported in there shoe mania their shamanism and their mania the view of the East and the West or the indigenous and I don't know all the ins and outs of it but they also talked about alchemical stuff or alchemy I think it's alche-mania man there's an alche-mania process happening here alchemy through mania and again it's not the state is look back think of your traits and be that way in daily life the world needs us to be that way it's giving us a vision of how we need to be as human beings and it's how we are naturally when all the ego stuff gets erased so by being that way we can actually erase some of the programming and that's the slow version the fast version is just twiddling one's thumbs and hoping that maniac comes back but then we might not live through it because it's a very dangerous state and in talking about safety one of the things I carry with me i carry a zap strap one of those little things you used to fasten cords together because if i ever get freaked out somewhere I can just fasten myself and ride it out and just and then call for help with my phone and that makes me feel safe knowing I can just fasten my body and let my consciousness go wherever the heck it wants to go if it wants to go back two thousand years it can go right ahead if I can wants to tell me about my past lives it can go right ahead if it wants to tell me about impending doom it can go right ahead and the trouble is with those things is I don't feel like it's in the past I feel like it's happening right now and so my body might respond as if it's happening right now and that's why by fastening myself to something like like a tree or something I don't know small tree then i will feel fine and i've never had to do this out in public but it would be better than running off a cliff now imagine if what i am saying has any truth and what I'm trying to say too is that it has truth whether you can feel it or not whether you're in the manic state and trying to operate based on these new principles of how the world works and energy and information flow or if you're just going about your ego consciousness day you're still being affected by this underlying actuality that we don't perceive on a regular basis now imagine you feel it but you don't feel it imagining that in any given second you might start feeling it that way like whatever you look at you're going to feel it exactly as it is good painful and you'll be very confused because this isn't your normal mode of feeling things you might start getting anxious or or run or or feel afraid or you know be scared by someone's thoughts or intentions or they're the look on their face how would you change your behavior if you knew that love and kindness for the remedy and it's not about one's own little problems I'm looking for solutions to those problems it's that we are the solution to the world's problems not I need a solution for my little problem and this energy this altered state is trying to get us to act it animates us and it makes us act in ways that are out of character of our personal ego but perhaps in character of the character of the universe that's how the universe wants us to be as human beings as how the universe needs us to be as human beings to me this is the energy of the spontaneous social behaviors that could save the planet that Buckminster Fuller talked about the ego creates in action thought creates in action a person in a manic state finds it difficult to walk by homeless person where somebody and their ego consciousness is just thinking and they just walk by and they don't even think twice so it actually blocks seeing it blocks action it's interesting how we're we're trained and we're educated we're programmed to not take action and to just delay action and go about our little habits and routines and in that way everybody's problems are kind of like a collective delay of action action wasn't taken right in the first moment of the thing arising because somebody was busy doing something else and that collective inaction almost causes all the need for these professionals which is like someone training to become some professional might take eight years of training that's a lot of inaction to acquire a big lump of knowledge versus us being more generalists and in helping each other in the moment
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so lately I've thought up a lot of probably 30 to 40 typed pages of much of it single spaced and they're just disjointed thoughts and ideas and insights and possibly new memes and I've been making videos on this stuff and in the last week I haven't had as much time to do that cuz i started a new job so i have a lot of to get through and i'll try my best and I don't know how coherent it will be but the point of making these videos is not as much to be coherent in a linear fashion as to just put a voice to some of the thoughts and ideas that I've had in the insights to just yeah to just put a voice to them really and they're not really intended to be anything that is necessarily true they're just sort of my own little hypotheses oftentimes when I'm getting ready for work or getting ready in the morning that's when I have a lot of insights come to me so I write them down and then after I write them down I type them up and now I'm going to translate that into video because I'm finding a lot more fun to just make videos then type up an article or something because articles usually assume that it's going to be somewhat linear and if I'm just going to have a conversation with myself I can just say whatever I want and it doesn't have to be logical or linear it just is what it is another reason I do this is because I can't remember so if I type up a paragraph and I intend it to be in some long blog post I won't remember that I typed at that particular paragraph so I won't know to put in the next logical step of that and then if I want to know how to do that I need to go and then reread what I just wrote in order to do that and so n debris reading and rereading and rereading and whereas if I just look at an idea and decide to talk about it I don't have to I'm not going to come back to that idea it's just done usually it takes a bit to get on a roll with this video making stuff my first idea that i have written down is around designing one's altruism and i believe i've talked about this before and how in mania a person often times at least for a period of time becomes very giving and altruistic and trying to put out fires wherever they go to me if a person is able to design altruism into their life it might be in alignment with the mania and something that the manic energy is trying to create which has more altruistic people at least for part of it that is actually being put into daily reality instead of just manic reality and I think that energy that's trying to create us as more altruistic worldcentric beings would be very happy about that and part of that is just thinking about what was your cause when you were in mania was there a certain thing that really fired you up and that could be something that you're actually really passionate about but in your daily monotonous life it's not something that you're concerned about but all of a sudden when this passionate energy comes in then that part of us is ignited so I had a sense of being passionate about homelessness and and that's the part two is that there's a lot of talk about this process of mania feeling like a spiritual experience now I could get attached to my spiritual experience or i could put myself in a position in life in daily life where I'm actually doing something about homelessness and in that way I'm taking what I learned from my spiritual experience and making it practical or making it a daily thing making it a reality instead of just this feeling that I had and that's a little bit of a theory I don't know if it's true if actually putting some of the elements that came to a person in that other state into practice in daily life if that actually helps or not I at some point would like to put that a lot more into practice in my own life I also feel that there'll be a time when we go from perhaps identifying as psychiatric survivors to thrivers to magic thrivers and at some point when we really become in touch with our magic we won't really feel the need to apologize for it and and beg for acceptance will be like wood what do you mean we're just fine like we don't need to be accepted by that other paradigm that can't see that other world or that other way of being they can't see it and in that way to it's like well how can you blame someone if they can't see it you can't blame someone if they're blind so I think at some point we'll just move on from really like begging for acceptance but that also goes along with being able to co-create a new reality and create a world where we have a role in a place in it and not being transformed into chronic mental patients when really were meant to transform into our best self and so it's difficult there right because even if we are able to step into our best self often the gifts that we have as our best self there's not really that much of a place for it there's no market for it in the reality where everything is based on marketing and what is there a market for so that actually goes with creating new context a new language that people actually start to speak slightly differently so they're actually seeing slightly differently based on what they're talking about I've already talked about harvesting one's mania which is just in retrospect looking back and figuring out one's best self traits and maybe practice that practicing them in daily life and not practicing them as in like trying to get into a programmed robotic way of being that way it's almost more a practice of noticing when we're not those ways that we would like to be and then as soon as we notice we're being a way that we don't choose we don't want to be then all of a sudden we are the way we want to be so just observing oneself which isn't really a practice it's a moment to moment thing without an accumulation so harvesting one's mania and I've also talked about how mania is like a vision casting state it's a state where so much information and we learned so much about ourselves it's like we can we can harvest and and get some sort of vision out of that for our life so Mania is a vision casting state but after the fact it's sort of like a vision recall going back to recall the vision of our cell that we were and what we wanted and what we were here to do and what we wanted to get involved in it's all there in that state some people spend their whole life looking for it and that state comes along and gives us a lot of the puzzle but we forget to go back and actually harvest it because we're told that we're ill and there's no value in the experience whatsoever it's just an illness it's just a hallucination it's just a delusion I don't buy that maybe there's incongruencies with reality but it's still an information-gathering state and I elaborate on this in other videos and another thought I had was that these new behaviors and these new gestures and these new mannerisms and these new ways of being that come about in mania if one is able to embody those in daily life does that have some sort of epigenetic effect on genetic expression and does a change our hormone levels and our neurotransmitter levels by actually being a different way and moving about reality in a different way by enacting a different pattern by being a different pattern and the sri patterning the entire reality with each move that we make so i decided that some synonyms of mania our energy flow creativity learning play they're synonyms in that those are a lot of the different characteristics of the state at different times that exits an extra energy state it's a very playful state and playfulness and play is actually how we learn and so it's a learning state and it's also a flow state because one isn't adjusting based on pre-programmed ego thought patterns I once read an article about ubermensch and from my understanding an ubermensch was something to do with funnelling all the wealth of the world from the populate from the people that have most of it and giving it back to the people so I actually feel like it's possible that our visionary experiences if we were to co-create together based on our visions we'd actually be creating an ubermensch to to redistribute the world's wealth and I don't even know if that would be like actually monetary wealth but I think there's a different kind of wealth that we could come in touch with that we realize we actually have already and then it's game over for the monetary system somehow I'm not sure exactly I also had the thought about the hundredth manic syndrome so there's the hundredth monkey syndrome where all of a sudden once a hundred monkeys know how to do something then all the monkeys know how to do it and that way i think that the spontaneous social behaviors that arise in mania there could be a certain number of people that if they're able to embody their mania and and live in that world while in this world we would actually change the fabric of this majority reality towards the wonderful new world that were we're trying to bring into existence so the hundredth manic syndrome i like to call mania and psychosis map because to me it's a spectrum and it's also like a land of mapmaking of making new internal mental models and it's a process that it's like this inner mapping it's like changing our brain maps because of all the different thoughts and feelings and experiences and sensations and perceptions we're having it's like this realm or we don't know what we're feeling or sensing or where it's coming from or what this information means and we're trying to make sense of it and to me this map is an evolutionary process it's trying to get us to evolve in some way and I also feel that this map is an accelerated learning process and an accelerated growth process and to me map is trying to give us back to ourselves it's trying to transform us back to our original state i also have a theory or a thought or hypothesis about the that there are three types of people there's the dopamine dominant people that are in the pleasure trap of reaction to pain and pleasure and then there's the oxytocin people who are oxytocin dominant who are more about social bonding and love and unconditional love and then there are the tryptamine people which tryptamine has to do with the pineal gland and who knows where those people are but most people are dopamine dominant people and I haven't really thought about this little hypothesis yet but basically most people are running on their own little pleasure thought addiction cycles and it's a pretty limited realm now we've all heard about something called a thought disorder and I'm on J Krishnamurti side when he talks about how thought is disorder it's not about thought disorder all this stuff about trying to put new thoughts into our brain better thoughts trying to put new thoughts into one's brain has a little bit of value but it's still it's still limited and when mania and psychosis process starts or this crisis or this transformation process starts it's like an unlimited State it's full of new thoughts and thoughts that don't feel like they're coming from oneself or thoughts that feel like they're coming from way back or that's one for that one hat it's like it's like a scramble of the thought process it makes one realize that you know we're not necessarily in control of these thoughts and even the thoughts that we normally have that we think we're in control of and where the author of their just sort of playing on repeat and when this process comes in and breaks it all up we lose sense of ourselves because we think we are these thoughts and then there's a lot of different modalities designed to get us to have our thoughts back into some semblance of order but we never question the thoughts themselves we never questioned whether there's something beyond thought and that's what J Krishnamurti does is he inquires into thought itself thought is disordered thought has to do with dopamine to do with pleasure and pain so person will have a thought that's pleasurable and think wow that was that feels nice and warm and fuzzy then has a thought that's painful and feel that I'll I don't want that so we just keep adjusting and choosing trying to choose the thoughts that are a bit better to pacify us and if we can't do that then we go and ingest some kind of pleasurable food or pleasurable something or pleasurable TV and then we feel pacified and I have a thought that when we exist in this pleasure pain world of dopamine we actually deplete our energy and our nutrients and our vitamins and our vitality and I feel there's actually epigenetic changes towards tunnel vision which is just seeing ones small reality tunnel which are the thoughts and feelings of one's own personal pleasure pain dopamine reward complex one can't see beyond that and that's like the egos version of seeing when really we're just seeing our own little desires and fears and nothing more and this is the same with the stress molecules in the body it depletes our vitality to be always under stressed we're not meant to be under stressed all the time in terms of re languaging I would like to see the word intervention change to interaction nobody wants to be intervened with and that just sounds violent I read a book II cubed and there was a quote in there that said I pray for the perception that will allow me to see bigger and sweeter reality and to me that extra energy is definitely that perception there's a perceiver that's always perceiving behind the ego and that's real seeing I watched a google talk by dr. Daniel Siegel and he said something very interesting at the end he said the mind uses the brain to create itself and that's really interesting so if we could think of reality as being some kind of universal mind but it's not actually created in our daily reality it's using our brains to try to create that mind which is actuality it's it's what's really there and so this extra energy of mania and psychosis comes in to try to get us to work towards creating that actual reality not the one we've created as programmable human beings but the one that we would create if we were just in our natural state in coherence with universal principles of how we're supposed to operate I also feel like this other state is like trying to learn how to read reality we we often learn by reading books or taking courses but we can actually learn by just observing reality and nature so a lot of us are undertaking personal growth when this extra energy of mania and psychosis comes in it actually shows that we need to grow worldcentric Li not just as individual egos trying to achieve individual success not everybody's doing that but a lot of people are and it's actually not in alignment with the way we need to move towards and we need to move towards that it's our natural way and it's really necessary if the planet is going to survive
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it's all good and I'm noticing things about my communication some of the videos I'm a little bit more humorous some of them flow a lot better some of my talk for a lot longer without a break between what I'm talking about which could be a blip in the video or a blip in the video could be because I coughed or said the words really wrong I could just keep going but I decided that I would stop and then say the word over so that I could come back later and edit it so gone through and I've done a lot of editing and done a lot of editing and I think I'm ready for the next iteration of whatever it is that I want to say and I was even thinking that maybe at some point I won't even feel like I need to talk about this anymore because at least I've said it into videos I've made it into videos and I could just move on i could just drop it and whether or not i ever release the videos to the public or not it doesn't matter what matters is just that I got to say it I've got to I just think it would say it out loud and then revisit it and watch it and and I almost came up with oh did it again I'm I almost came up with a lot more insights based on just listening to what I was saying so while I was talking I had ideas of what I wanted to say but when I was expanding on those ideas i came up with new ideas and then watching myself speak i actually came up with ideas beyond some of the ideas that i said or new ways to tie them together so it was like the next integration the next evolution and it almost feels like now I've entered into this space where I'm just constantly learning from myself from that other communication that comes through and it almost feels like maybe I never need to read another book again and some of the stuff that I speak about has a background in some of the stuff that I've read and some of it doesn't but it almost some of it the book stuff is actually confirmed by my experience so then I refer to the book stuff because of that because basically and that's another thing I say a lot basically because I need more words for basically but and also i can say maybe because maybe those people have done sort of the science and i have this experience and i read those books and then I had this experience and now I'm relating my experience back to the books on what the books were saying so maybe the books and things I read primed the experience but it's just interesting after like doing all this reading and then having these experiences and being in rogers and retrospect being able to be like wow that really resonates with all the things i've read yet my experience by society is interpreted as a mental illness and i don't really see it that way as you know if you've watched some of my videos but it's okay to also include that I I do feel like it is partly true say like one or two percent true in that and it could be more percent true because that's the truth that people behold within their relational minds about that concept or suppose in fact people see it as a mental illness and that's why to me through these conversations and logs with myself just getting that energy in motion into sound words thoughts new means it could actually perhaps help to change the relational mine or change the way we relate and talk about these experiences and I have no idea if that's true but I don't know what the alternative is the alternative seems to be something really slow there's a lot of great people doing a lot of great work out there and I don't know of anyone who just starts talking with themselves into a camera about it and posting it and i don't know if i will post it the reason I'm saying this is because I feel like these perspectives might resonate with a lot of people and maybe I'll share a thousand different perspectives or a thousand different ways of thinking about it and it's not about saying that these thousand ways are right maybe they're all wrong the point is that i am thinking about it differently i'm thinking for myself about it i'm looking at it and i'm analyzing it but not as a person that has all these facts that I've been told about it and then thinking about myself in terms of that I'm actually there's a spider on the wall I'm actually thinking for myself about it and looking at it from different perspectives and vantage points and comparing it to things and making metaphors out of it making meaning out of it having insights about it instead of just thinking about it in terms of the stigma story and and so what I'm trying to say is some of that might resonate or it might just resonate that oh there's a different way to think about it or i can think about it however I want it's my inner subjective experience just as I couldn't interpret a dream a thousand different ways I can interpret altered states that was a mistake altered states of consciousness in any way that I find meaningful in the moment and it can change over time and I can think about it x way today and Zed way tomorrow and I can forget that I ever thought about it x way and white if I don't write it down and look at it again I might never remember that I thought about it that way it was just an interesting way to think about it and there's so many different possible ways of thinking about it instead of thinking about it the one way that we're told to think about it why not think about it in as many ways as possible if anything else just for fun just to entertain oneself about one's own consciousness and experience and in my mind it's actually better to not hold on to any of those interpretations as facts they're just thoughts about the experience of thoughts and abstractions that one had in an altered states of God altered state of consciousness so none of it is really true it's all words about words and it's to me it's partly like making up my own philosophy of altered states of consciousness from my own experience and relating it to stuff that I've learned about and when I do this relating it to certain things I read in books I cannot guarantee the accuracy I'm just going off the top of my head so if something sounds interesting that I talked about that was something that somebody else discovered please don't quote me on it I can find the reference if you would like if you want to ask me and when you read it and you look it up it might not be exactly as I have outlined it and that's not the point the point is just that there was a certain person that had a certain thought of discovery that related to what I experienced and when I share in the moment about it it may or may not come out exactly right and that's the point this point that this talking isn't about being perfectly correct about stuff it's just about talking it's just about having conversation just like I might have conversation with a stranger on the street not about facts facts are like going out and looking and then seeing that somebody else said it's okay to think this it's a fact and then putting it my brain and memorizing it so then when the time comes I can regurgitate it and sound smart or be sure that I'm right or when the conversation and this isn't about that this is about just having conversation this is about making conversations about making meaning it's not about right and wrong it's not about facts we rely so much on professionals to give us the facts that we forget how to actually think for ourselves and if we are just regurgitating facts or what we think are facts we're actually not thinking at all we're not using our brains we're actually just robotic machines who have just memorized certain things and those things come out when prompted as associations in a reflex so our thoughts become reflexes and in that way we are just programmed and conditioned robots so by remembering so many facts and studying and memorizing them we're actually making ourselves quite mechanical and when you think about it a person that specializes in something and becomes professional becomes very full of all of that knowledge so they can just be this quick reflex with that knowledge and that's important in various fields for sure but if we in our daily life just use professional facts or things we heard on the news in order to make conversation we're actually just being a reflex memories which we heard which are secondhand which means we're not actually coming up with anything ourselves zero and we're actually trained to not come up with stuff ourselves just through our education by learning things and then putting our hand up to have the right answer well to me some of these altered states of consciousness that I've experienced it's almost like there are so many more thoughts that come up and associations that are new and the range and the depth and the breadth of the associations and thoughts are it's huge so I have all these new thoughts and some of them seem right and some of them seem wrong and some of them seem weird and some of them are making associations to things in the past what I've realized was this is almost like a state where the universe is brainstorming through us there's the process of brainstorming where people just sit down and just say every idea without filtering so it's almost like the universe turns us into a brainstorm and through our daily existence in sales data mania everything we see has all these thoughts perceptions associations and there's way more of them there's there's a hundred or a thousand times more and in that way it's almost like we're brainstorming and there's no filter there's no filter which is the filter that is what we've chosen to memorize and store in our memory banks and almost have it in their taking up all the RAM or random access memory so we can't randomly access any other source of thoughts or thinking that might be actually based on perceiving the environment around us so in my thoughts in the process of same mania that filter turns off and the universe is actually brainstorming through us so instead of us through our linear process going and picking choosing what we're going to store in our brains the universe that hey i'm going to show you all of this and to go with that it almost feels like the brain is trying to grow again they talked about how at a certain point in child development the brain goes through a pruning process so certain neural pathways and neurons get pruned off and a good chunk of neurons actually get pruned and i'm wondering actually if sort of society the way the society is actually designed is what prunes the neurons so the neurons get pruned to match society now if we had a different society full of more degrees of freedom and possibilities of what is agreed to be allowable experiences and perceptions and states of consciousness maybe those neurons wouldn't get pruned and what I'm thinking too is that this mania process is like a second brain growth it's an attempt to almost regrow those neurons through all these thoughts and associations and hyper energy and then there's no discernment it's almost like being an adult child and we don't have that discernment we go back to the place where we're actually testing things in reality that our rules that we actually probably had the programming for but that programming gets deleted and then we're again testing reality and trying to find it how it works figuring out how gravity works for hearing out so many different things just as a child would and then I feel like that state only lasts so long and then again there's a pruning process so maybe the pruning happens in the whole process of a person being sort of recaptured and medicated back into society maybe if somebody wasn't recaptured their brain would just keep growing and I'm just making this up I don't know if the brain is actually attempting to grow but just makes me feel like all this energy comes up through the brain in the body all these thoughts and associations and thoughts and associations actually it's part of the whole neuroplasticity process so it could be trying to create neuroplastic changes in the brain through this mania and if there was neuroplastic changes in the brain a person's behavior and perception would be altered and if their behavior and perception is altered they're actually going to act different in society and actually alter society just ever so slightly I'm actually thinking that some of that brain growth is almost like trying to regrow that brain aspect parts that got pruned off in that childhood stage where the brain gets pruned and maybe the brain is pruned to the consensus but maybe there are other realities that can be created if the brain didn't get pruned in that way so what I'm saying is this mania is like energy coming up to try and get us to see the world differently to be in the world differently to act in the world differently to have those manic traits to have a manic state and actually start to embody those traits and I realize it's not just about embodying the manic traits but it's about making them relational so if I said at home and I embody all my manic traits but I never go and say hi to somebody it's not going to make it relational so people will would see a person thats a practice their manic traits and that person would have a different energy than people that maybe wouldn't have had that state change and I also realized that when I was talking about practicing manic traits it's actually not practicing in order to get that back because I actually feel like that state is our natural state it's our adult child state I'm not sure if I said this before but it's like if I was a child and then I never got conditioned through education through family and all of that and i was still in that innocent curious in a state of wonder and awe about the world and feeling like I'm superhuman because I'm a child and I don't realize that I'm not yet if I would have never been conditioned that trajectory that I would have gone on throughout my life is the manic state adult so that's the unconditioned adult child version of me that exists alongside of me within me and the only reason I'm not embodied as that version of me as the true version is because of the programming is because of the hurts because of the the sadness because of different things I've experienced in my life that caused me to have these memories and things that make me react in a way that make me want to protect my ego so there's one thing to have a reflex reaction to want to protect the body from like a dangerous animal it's another thing to try to protect the ego and then the ego is trying to protect the ego and so it's just strengthening the ego more and more over time and because there's that cluster in that constellation of thoughts and memories and and protection mechanisms that actually prevents me from being my natural child like adult self and so the reason I said that is because it's not necessarily about practicing mania because I need to practice and it's going to take a lot of time to get back to that version of myself it doesn't take time I already saw that I already saw boom snap the fingers I can be in that state amania and I'm just that other version of myself so why can't I just snap my fingers again and be there and not have to practice the reason is because the ego it's because I've practiced being that ego self and so my thoughts on practicing the manic traits are is going to write over some of that ego programming by embodying those manic traits that are actually relational and embodied trades so the ego is just thoughts in one's head and the traits are actually action a lot of them are perception action so in a moment where I can be kind I'm kind if I can be conscious of my posture and be up straight in a proper posture so gravity has the least effect on my my physical structure and it's not going to start punching me over over time which eventually that causes more and more problems like gravity is one of the biggest things that causes health travel over time and or not walking properly so or being creative is a natural part of being in the manic state and that's another thing I realized is that the manic state is like the adult child state and it goes along with this like brain growth pruning thing I was talking about to and also in childhood we would have lots of thoughts and ideas and perceptions and we wouldn't be filtering them we wouldn't be filtering them based on right and wrong because we don't really know right and wrong and then a lot of times we'll ask our parents like oh is this right and they'll say no that's not right so we we prune it away we say no that's not right so this is right this is how I should think about it and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that process per se but it seems like it gets really again in mania and if I'm an adult child version of myself manias very characteristic of creativity and learning and this whole hyper associative thought process and new thoughts and new perceptions and new ideas and wait so much of it is actually like a learning process it's kind of like actually being able to learn again and and we're learning based on all these new information coming up and trying to make sense of it so instead of going through this literary linear process of studying a subject maybe specializing in something or learning about something in detail which is also an important process mania is sort of like learning about everything fresh again and wondering about it and being curious and to me this is actually important because otherwise we're so stuck in the structures of thought that we think that we know that we think are the truth and our everything in all in our beliefs and I think this this energy of mania comes up and breaks at all apart so there was stuff there about the learning it's like definitely back to learning and creativity the other thing was about the practicing and again some of the practicing is it's not just writing over like the thought habit patterns it's also writing over the patterns of the body so to go around and actually smile at people that is changing not just thoughts it's it's changing like your face since I started smiling more my teeth actually do show more and when I smile a lot of times my lip goes like this where as before when I saw out it always went like this so you know that what I'm saying is the structure of the face changes based on how we are and how we use our face so going around smiling people not only changes our face for like the better but it also is relational so someone may or may not smile back sometimes when I get a smile from a stranger it like it's the best moment of my day it's like such a it's a surprise it's nice and and I generally smile at people when people smile back or say hi and it's just nice and so that's the relational aspects so it's embodying it in one's physiology in one's body and also relating it and also by embodying it we are relating it because people notice when you have yourself you know together and your energy and your you know you're together to the point where you're not thinking about yourself and your woes you're actually their present and ready to share a smile or ready to share a Hello and that's a gift that's giving and we're just being perceptive and not necessarily being stuck in one's head and noticing oh I could open that door for someone and not hesitating not thinking Oh someone else might do it just actually doing it without even thinking and that's part of getting rid of some of the structures of thought is just acting without thinking because there's a lot of action we can do that doesn't really require thought if we're in a present moment situation it doesn't generally require thought and again the practicing isn't to say you need to practice in order to be that way somebody could get a whack on the head and be totally different tomorrow so you don't necessarily have to practice but the practicing I feel rights over not necessarily the thought habits in your head which I think I already said but it actually rights over the way that you use your body the gestures the the way you move the way you everything so it becomes embodied and you become a different relational human being and it's just a totally it's a totally different way of being so I feel like we can actually be more that way instantaneously and even by practicing it I don't even mean practicing it it's more like noticing it so just noticing at moment-to-moment noticing the gesture that one is doing not necessarily thinking okay I'm practicing this but by being conscious being aware and noticing will notice that we naturally do it versus if we're identified with our thinking process and in that way it's a moment-to-moment practice it's not a practice in order to accumulate it is just each moment what is required like see and act and also that way if the ego structure does collapse again all of those traits that one experiences as oneself in mania will already be in the muscle memory it will already be in the gesture so when the extra energy comes in I'm thinking a person might not even really notice because it's not like this extra energy coming through and it has nowhere to go it can't be expressed it can't be expressed through the body through gesture it can't be expressed through conversation it can't be expressed through writing or sharing in some way I feel like the more one embodies that sharing that they want to be the less one will really notice that extra energy it'll be like designed into one's life already and I feel like that that state our natural state is available to us right now yet at the same time if I was in that natural state right now that exact natural state I wouldn't necessarily want to spend every day at home sitting on the couch talking to myself on a phone I would be wanting to do different things and what I'm saying with that is I need to start doing some of those different things so again when I am that self I can go about those activities without getting lost in them like without without it's almost part of that pruning thing not just pruning in one's brain or pruning in one's thoughts are pruning in one one's way they see the world but also pruning in one's lifestyle design so if I don't sort of have a plan of what i'm going to do with some of that manic energy that are things in line with what I've seen that I want to do before then when the energy comes I'll end up doing everything and a lot of it will be unrelated to what it is that I'm trying to design my life as because my life has two can be congruent with that energy with that life energy with that energy that i am in that state of mania because if it's not and i am that exact version of me that i am in that state and i have this same old setup it's not going to work as well as if i have a design for that so maybe sometimes I'm not in that state and this life that I have right now my I routine is fine but maybe I also have to have another routine in mind for when that happens and I'm part of that is making these videos a little bit because i feel like if i can just share some of these things then that's a way for the energy to almost like get out of my system and because at one point at some point I don't really want to be sitting here talking about that I want to be just living that way and maybe living that way and talking about it and i'm not sure if i'd even release these until I am because all I will have done a lot of talking and it's all philosophizing it's all words and it's one thing for me to say I talked about the trees being cut down and and homeless people and stuff while I sit in my cushy little place right that's a that's not really embodying my altruism but at the same time part of my altruism with these videos is that I really feel like we have been given the end of the stick and we've been told how to interpret ourselves through these experiences and I'm not trying to say that they're wonderful experiences all the time there's a lot of people suffering and I've suffered a lot too but at the same time I I think there's a lot more to it and I could be completely wrong but my part of my altruism is just to put this out there and just talk about it because if it does help a few people see things a little bit differently in terms of even reframing like my reframe that I gave was I take medication to stay grounded in this reality that is happening I don't take it necessarily because I'm up deficient or defective I just it keeps me grounded in this reality otherwise I kind of my consciousness changes and I go off into other experiences of reality that get me a bit lost so that's a reframe but then there's also revision which to me it's not just about oh this is the new way to interpret it one vision it's in my mind a thousand visions per person and they're just stories and just talking and I've said at the very least some of them could just be interesting movie scripts and it's really just entertaining ideas and then state of mania we get a lot of ideas and we entertain them some of them we we follow or we go off with a bit and others are just entertaining they're entertaining us so some are entertaining some we entertain so it's just entertaining ideas and that's what i'm doing is entertaining ideas they're interesting to me some of them and they could be entertaining or and it's not just also about okay these are my thousand visions and different ways I see it it's about create some of your own ways of seeing and thinking about it for yourself and just those three distinct things that I just mentioned could create enough of an energetic shift for a person to not self stigmatize so much to actually think well maybe I'm not ill and efficient maybe that's the way society sees it that's the way it's interpreted right now and maybe it's a useful framework to utilize because that's the one that's available but it doesn't mean I have to think that and believe that about myself and it doesn't mean that I have to go around saying I'm not mentally ill invite the system a lot of people do that and that has its value but to me I wouldn't want to get better just to use my energy getting mad at the system that was there to help me because it wasn't as helpful as it could have been if they had different perspectives of of helping the situation and they don't and that's why I would like to speak about a million perspectives because maybe that will help shift people to see that maybe there are different ways of thinking about it and it weighs that we'd rather think about it then the illness thing and it's not that there's no bad stuff I'm not saying that there is but there's also a lot a lot a lot of stuff out there focusing on the bad stuff of it so they're doing a great job of that and a lot of it has a lot of positive stuff mixed in with the the bad stuff and it's helpful but I personally would like to focus on all those things that I just said about revision a reframing and whatever the other one was and also talking about some of the good things that happen the spiritual aspects or the traits that we experience in those states and that's the next level of it besides the self stigma like lessening the self stigma by thinking of it differently and not just that but starting to think for oneself so actually feeling empowered to think versus just thinking about how we're told to interpret it and then reacting to life based on how people treat us based on how we're told to interpret it which we don't even have to believe that and think that about ourselves in the first place it's nice even if it's helpful to have a diagnosis and half the medical paradigm you know the medical part can be two percent of life and then adding in ninety-eight percent wellness and revision and reframing and not only that but thinking about the actual process of mania and psychosis and whatever altered states of consciousness I don't want to use the medical terms as much going forward because this isn't even about those medical terms like I only use them because i was diagnosed but really i don't really believe those so much so i might believe those one percent as it pertains to the practical matters but the rest of it I don't I don't really believe and I don't even believe all the things that I've said necessarily i just am talking about them they're not I'm not going to believe every single thing that I say and I don't have to only say things that I believe wholeheartedly like that is like why do we have to believe anything even the things that we believe that we believe but anyways so the next level and again wanting to think more about the positive aspects is again the traits and states of mania and what that could mean and how it could be used as transformation transformation into the ones best self which I believe a person's best self is actually for part of the design all of humanity so how can we best be in service of humanity in a way so this is a bit of service to humanity for me because I feel like by putting this on video I can just maybe decide to never talk about it again and just get on with actually acting physically but this way I can have more conversation with more people so the positive things the traits the states but again being one's best self and being one's best self to me is actually part of finding one's altruism or designing one's altruism and I feel like a lot of people in mania connect with giving and sharing and serving and altruism and meaning and trying to really find that or connect with that and I feel like it's almost like a dis ease of meaning so we've become hyper meaningful and describing extra meaning to everything in those states but it's like we're trying to put me on something to make life more meaningful and really to me it's about stepping into embodying that altruism that we want to share as our best selves I feel the state of mania it's sort of like it's going from egocentricity and worrying aboutÂ
oneself to world centricity and so I feel that's the transformation again when the ego collapses which is just the thought structure and conditioning we become that childlike adult version of ourselves which doesn't really have an ego so it's not so concerned about itself even though some of it does there is some self-concern part of it I'm not talking about all of Mania is good I'm not saying that I'm talking about some of the positive aspects of mania there are some really negative aspects for sure but I'm wanting to key in on to the positive ones because those ones are generally missed because a person when they are eventually treated are usually treated because of the negative aspects of mania or maybe it's turned into a depression or psychosis or something if with me and psychosis so by the time I'm treated and sort of dull doubt again maybe the mania was a while ago and so it sort of lost in the mix and and I'm not again I'm not talking about mania is so good so I want to go back into the state of mania with all the good bad and everything in between I'm saying I want to look at the positive stuff that I experienced as myself in those states and use that as part of some kind of information to transform my daily life so if I really liked a certain aspect of being altruistic or generous maybe I can incorporate that in my daily life when I'm not in the state of mania and I feel like that will create that as an embodied and relational part of our being and I think that some of those positive traits and mania are trying to spring up through somebody when they go into that state and now by being that way in daily life like picking some of those then it's actually embodied and maybe when the energy comes it's not going to be so disruptive because a lot of the things that it sort of created a person to be like very abruptly they're already that way because they've been that way in daily life they've been utilizing that to inform their daily life now when a person gets treated and everything is focused on getting rid of symptoms and not letting those things return no mania return no depression return those elements that could actually be useful is those are lost and i think that's that's a shame and i feel too that if i was to connect with my altruism and what it is that I want to give and I start giving it that's also going to reduce myself stigmatization because I know I'm being a good person so even though I was given a diagnosis of some kind I'm still able to extend myself and help somebody else I don't have to put myself into the place of complete victim and and that's empowering to to not take that stance as much as I can and then also if I'm busy doing kind of altruistic carrying things I'm not gonna really feel stigmatized as much because if I'm doing that people are less apt to stigmatize me or even notice that anything's maybe a bit amiss with me or if I'm doing all those things and then I do have some kind of lip and I have a bit of a distress and things are not going so well for a little while well I've made their friends through my my kind acts and my altruism who are going to be more forgiving and who are going to be there for me versus you know connecting out of fear and stuff like that and there was actually a quote and a study and I mentioned this before that it says that the system going forward needs to be redesigned to actually have helping others as part of the system of care if you want to call it that which just means they're saying like a person has a crisis and they're like down and out get them to help others right away we as in the happy movie documentary it talks about when the fastest ways to feel happier and better about yourself and good is to do something for someone else less fortunate and there's always somebody less fortunate and that's again what I'm talking about with me just talking here I'm not out doing as much for the less fortunate like to say the homeless people and stuff which I do want to do and I hope that you will join me I have several initiatives in mind and I haven't really I'm really talked about them I will at some point but again this next level of finding manic traits and making them embodied again it's not about the manic state it's about the traits and seeing that hey I was that way we get brainwashed into this whole mental illness story that we forget in the case of somebody that goes through 0 mania that hey I experienced myself as a pretty good version of myself and certain traits I had an experience to myself I never knew I had they can never knew and then all the treatment happens and they get they disappear but I feel they're still there and also I feel like maybe by harvesting some of that it can be used to design one's life going forward that's the thing too is that in a state of mania it feels like everything has to happen now well I like to harvest all that and then see how i can create that in my life going forward so all those ideas I had just because I bottomed out and end up dulled out and not able to really do much for a while doesn't mean I don't have my little notepad of stuff that I thought about that I can go back to later and say hey that's cool maybe i'll look into that oh that's a silly idea i don't want to do that but it's there and it's it can be a source for many years to come
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I've been reading some of the work of dr. Daniel Siegel and in his book interpersonal neurobiology and mine site he talks about how if a person is experiencing trauma the hippocampus is shut down due to cortisol among other things and when the hippocampus is shut down the memories of the event can't be encoded properly and they lack echphoric sensation which he means they lack the sensation of the time element which means that if a memory of that event again popped up I wouldn't know that it's from the past whereas he gives the example if someone says when did you learn to run your bike you can say because you're recalling from the past you can actually think about when and describe the event so the traumatic events black this egg Forex sensation because of the hippocampus being shut down and what I thought of and I have no idea if it's true is that it's possible that when the hippocampus shuts down that information going from maybe the heart to the brain or it could be partly like the heartbeat the heartbeat is different and it's like partly contributing to the release of cortisol which the heart beats in a different way based on the perception so the perception of something not good happening seeing it like if one couldn't see it or feel it they wouldn't know what was happening to a certain extent and then the cortisol being released shuts down the hippocampus and it's not encoding the memories properly and I wonder if this is partially to protect a person from remembering everything the way it actually happened or or what it is exactly but I feel like it's possible that it happens because some of this memory actually stays and quoted in the heart so even though like a lot of times a person might not actually see what's happening to them properly but they know something Bad's happening so the heart is feeling like something bad is happening some of it could actually be encoded in the heart memory because the heart does store some memories and maybe a lot more than we actually know and I'm thinking that this could actually be like an adaptation because if the heart if the heart has the memory the heart can see the pattern recognition of of what it is that they're seeing I feel like we partly see with our heart so we see with our brain but the heart mind actually and the feeling can calculate if situation is bad for example so if a person again gets himself close to a pattern or a situation that this heart memory sees the heart immediately alerts right the heart goes and has a little rapid beat so in that way it's almost like protection from that thing happening again which you know because the brain doesn't store it rationally and logically and maybe it doesn't because whatever happened wasn't rational and logical it was fearful and terrifying it was to do with the feelings it was due to do with like one's humanity not to do with ones like linear memory process so in that way could be stored in the heart and maybe that's one of the reasons why a lot of this stuff is difficult to resolve it's not really it's not really in the rational brain process it's it's encoded more in the heart and I feel like it helps us maybe recognize something so we can escape beforehand and I feel like it's part of the fight-or-flight and you know maybe some of these patterns are already in our heart and that's why we know to jump away from certain dangerous animals and and that's pretty common to humanity it with a reflex but then some of us we have other reflexes programmed into us or experiences and a person that goes through psychosis or mania especially psychosis maybe has new patterns of fear programmed in their heart by reacting to things that weren't really there in physicality yeah they're they're inside and they're scary they could be sort of coming out of the heart or they could be just a way of kind of scaring our heart again and maybe getting the heart to fear certain patterns that are normal in society but maybe aren't so normal like for example deciding to go off to war that's normal in society but it's kind of not very nice so I wonder if some of this psychosis image material could actually be sort of reap a turning our hearts and what we think is okay and and not okay and I'm wondering if things like medications actually block some of this seeing so block some of the seeing or feeling of these other experiences that are so called hallucinations and delusions and one may still have those experiences but then maybe not feel like they have so much action that they can do so it's almost like just being more more helpless to those things and I think it blocks a certain amount of seeing of how box a certain amount of seeing of how beautiful the world is but then it blocks a bit of the seeing of the ugliness of that inner world that we all share that collective past and it's like we can't really move into that beautiful world until we resolve that collective past and we haven't resolved it because basically world today is a continuity a continuation of the collective awfulness that we've the things that we've done to each other and I feel like with mania the universe actually wants us to see how beautiful it is and that's why even just a simple flower can be the most amazing thing if more of us could see that beauty we might actually move to protect it or stop harming it or appreciate it and I even think that with all this observer effect they talk about with quantum physics it's like well things don't exist until we measure them until we look at them until we put an eye on them and once we put an eye on them it's actually there for real I feel like the more eyes we have on nature the more actually exists and it's going to stay you know even if you could imagine a forest and if there was a thousand people that are staring at the forest I'm thinking wow this is so beautiful it'd be pretty hard for a bulldozer to come along and just start plowing it down people would be like okay I have a problem with this but since nobody's looking everyone can just come in and where people can just come in and destroy it and think nobody cares because nobody's looking at it and now that's just a silly little hypothetical situation but I do feel like the universe needs more of us to be looking at it and not just at our screens or even the screen of our mind which is our minds eye that we're always putting so much attention on that and it's not really real it's just like a screen within our head and that's probably a more dangerous screen than all this technology that people are worried about which it's it's worrisome as well in a way but I feel like technology could be used for good as well where's that mine screen that we're putting our attention on is pretty much useless it'd be more beneficial to carry around a flower and stare at it and appreciate it and be grateful for it then actually just thinking about what we're thinking about what we're thinking about what we thought about what we thought about what we thought about it's a waste of time it's a waste of energy that's what actually waste our energy we wonder why we're so tired I think a lot of us could get away with eating quick the crappy diets we do is if we actually went on a diet from our own brains from our own egos from our own thoughts about ourselves it's not that interesting and all this stuff about become better what have better thoughts about oneself what is that going to do and I also wrote down something about how mental illness is an umbrella term to shut people up and write people off and I'm not going to write myself off I'm going to talk myself silly I'm back to the coherent breathing stuff luckily we can still control our breathing or we can still watch our breathing and witness it and we can still learn to breathe properly that's one of the few things we actually can control and we can control going somewhere to get some fresh air you can control pulling up for a walk we do have some level of control over our physiology and back to that little voice in her head that we pay so much attention to I had a thought that we are being sentenced to a life of other people's sentences which means that we're in a prison in our mind of things that we heard from somebody else about ourselves or repetitive stuff about ourselves and and that's a pretty sad life sentence and a bit more about words I I feel like one day there'll be a study of epi-memetics and endo-memetics so I feel there's a certain amount of words that can come from insight from directly seeing something so if I look at a flower and I all of a sudden have an insight about something about how the flower works just by looking at it then those words that I say about the flour based on that is something different than if I was to just look at the flower and think of the name of the flower which is something that was already in my brain so there's different so words if a word and a sentence and a thought is something old it's not an endo-memetic I feel like there's exo-memetics so thoughts that come from the outside there's a pima medics and there are n DOMA medics and there are different and it's like the study of words and language and where we get these thoughts from because they're their energy and if we have a circular thought pattern going on all the time we're actually not able to really learn anything new because we can't look at something and understand it just by seeing how it works
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I was just sitting down and meditating and I don't often do that the only time I ever do really is when I just have this urge to sit down and meditate which is every so often and basically I just sit down and start meditating I don't really think about it it's not premeditated meditating and I was sitting there and some random images and associations were going through my mind a little bit and then it subsided and it became really quiet and I realized I realized in that moment that my attention or the center of my felt sense of who i am who i was at that moment at least it dropped into my heart and i've read before that some people have actually have the sensation that they reside in their heart and just in that moment a few minutes ago i really felt that I didn't feel like I was my head I felt like I was my heart and and maybe I have felt that way for a while and not notice it but that was the first time that I really noticed that I felt like I was my heart and then I was breathing and noticing my breathing and I was talking in a different video about breathing and how certain types of breathing especially even amounts of breath into even amounts of breath out is coherent breathing and after a while it produces a coherent heartbeat and there's an app called stress doctor that helps one do this and there's another app called complete coherence or that's the website and the complete coherence guy I forget his name I remember watching a talk and he talks about how the heartbeat has to be coherent in order for the right sort of electrical nutrition to go from the heart to the brain because there's actually more neurons going from the heart to the brain then from the brain to the heart so more information is actually going from the heart to the brain and if the heart's beating erratically or stressed that basically goes along with stressed emotions which probably means there's a storm of thoughts and feelings going on in the body in the mind that correlate with that stressed heartbeat so all that information a lot of it is actually coming from the heart if the heart was calm the mind would probably be a lot more calm but what I was thinking about today when i realized that i was actually residing in my heart was that i was just wondering if it matters as much to breathe coherently or if the coherent breathing is sort of a way to be mindful and actually calm the heart to be in the heart and the subtle difference here is I'm wondering if a person is just in their heart if the heart is naturally more coherent instead of having to sit down and coherently breathe and there's still a ton of value in that I'm just wondering that if a person naturally was in a state of breathing coherence or heart coherence then naturally there'd be breathing coherence there'd be the proper electrical signals and energy going from the heart to the brain naturally so is it as much to practice breathing coherently or could it also be helpful to actually have the felt sense that we reside in our hearts more so than our minds and how to do that I don't know exactly perhaps not having so many thoughts in one's head all the time when naturally might feel more connected to one's heart I just feel personally that thoughts in general are very detrimental whether positive or negative there's way too much emphasis on thinking and reasoning and logic so if there's a bad logical thought and you place it with a good logical thought it's still logic and there's a lot more to life beyond that logic and what is more to life beyond that logic is life itself and life isn't logical life is life it's like a living energy vitality force so being in one's heart center is like being connected with the vital force the heartbeat that electromagnetic energy field that it creates which is thousands of times stronger than the electromagnetic field of the brain so that goes along with some of my thoughts around how a lot of mental health troubles are actually problems of the heart and and to me I feel like if we're always incoherent it almost accumulates so that incoherence or that breathing pattern that we are with the heartbeat those two things combined and are almost like recorded in the body from moment to moment so even if we're thinking wonderful thoughts and going along if there's some kind of underlying stress and the breathing stress as well or one's not breathing very well it's still causing accumulated stress in the body which can at some point cause some kind of overload and an overload example might be something like going into a psychosis which if there's a bunch of stuff underneath the surface that one's not dealing with but one is going on about one's business on the superficial level eventually the stuff brewing underneath the surface can catch up with somebody or can we can be sort of jolted into something worse than it is or dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the term allostatic load which just meet means one's sort of accumulated stress that's built up so this incoherence can actually possibly be recorded and accumulated as an allostatic load so even if once able to go through the day and get through the day but they're always extremely stressed that would be like increasing that allostatic load and then making a person more susceptible to some kind of breakdown which is basically all those images and thoughts and feelings accumulated eventually can't be ignored anymore and it is very becomes to the point where it's actually crippling because those images in that world of those images and thoughts and feelings takes over one's life and the heart has a language of symbols and images and feelings it doesn't have so many words it can it can create words too but they're not necessarily going to be logical then going to be rational they're not going to be related to maybe what's going on in the moment because it's the accumulated garbage from from the past and not only one's personal past but even the collective because I feel that you know we we actually kind of share the same heart and you know I got my heart from my mom and she got her heart from her mom and her dad like together and so and you go on you go on you go on until you've gone many generations well that's all encoded in the heart and you know even when somebody has a heart transplant sometimes they have the memories of the person they got some the heart from well that could go even just through the genetics and the lineage of a person from generation to generation how can it it's logical that it could be encoded in the DNA that encodes for the heart and so those subtle images and that subtle past information can actually still maybe come up because maybe a person in their past in the past history of the family didn't get to resolve certain things and maybe they are passed to the next person to kind of look at those things and resolve those things in the family lineage and this is just all pretend I'm just making this stuff up just for fun and I'm sort of making it up as I go but that that dimension that collective heart whether it's personal collective familial it's it's all there and it's all piling up for somebody to deal with and if it's not me it's going to be somebody else on my family or or somebody somewhere else in the world who doesn't even know me they might have to deal with something thats related to me because we all share that one heart and so by being in one's heart and being coherent it's actually creating more coherence in the entire reality because we are connected we're not separate so it's possible that a person can actually heal a lot of that stuff just by being connected to one's own physiology instead of so connected to that abstractness of the thoughts and the words and the images that the brain cells they create those images but those images aren't the brain cells they're not the physiology the physiology is like the oxygen it's your posture it's your as you're breathing it's your heartbeat is its electricity it's all of that and so we need to pay attention to that aspect as well and and that's that's kind of my thoughts on some of that there's there was probably more to it but it just felt really it felt really interesting to be connected to my heart like that and I'm almost wondering if if that will continue to be how I feel when I'm actually going about my daily life and I think it could be good if I if I do feel that way and and I just I think there's a subtle difference between being in one's mind all day long thinking thinking thinking and then sitting down for 10 minutes and doing ones coherent breathing practice which has value versus taking some of the energy and power away from the thinking process and actually being more connected to one's heart and that was another thought I had it was about how a person that goes into mania like I've experienced a lot of that experience feels very beautiful it feels very feels everything's beautiful and very there's so many different characteristics but the main one I'm thinking of right now is beauty and then the opposite of mania which is psychosis is actually it's all ugly it's all terrible and scary and terrifying so it's terrifying whereas the beautiful mania part was very it felt very much like love and and it feels like to me that beauty's trying to burst forth through some of us but then we when we get pulled back from being sort of beyond the boundaries of what consensus reality feels is normal in terms of good feeling and we snap back we have to go through the bad feeling aspect of some of this and and through the beauty might be more real because it's like it's actually feeling like it's happening in reality whereas the ugly is all these images and thoughts that aren't really there and then we have like these hallucinations so we go from being this experience of real feeling beauty to this terrifying ugly thought image dimension and and to me that's just the collective ugliness of all the stuff people think all day long and have thought all day long for the past 10,000 years and it's not really real and that's why I feel like we shouldn't really feed it more energy anymore because it's just as scary it's difficult to go beyond it but with so many people feeding that that beast because that's a collective domain we also all share
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I had a strange thought that kind of tripped me out actually and sometimes when I have these insights or something that I see not for real but sort of see as inner seeing it freaks me out and I've had that happen a couple times lately and then when that happens I sort of say to myself not now which just means that's not happening now so I don't need to have like the next scary thought related to that thought I don't know if that works but it seems it seems to because it's difficult to to embody having these sorts of inner visions and impressions the mayor not may not be true they're almost like future predictions or possibilities and then some of them are bit freaky and then if I get freaked out it could produce more freaky thoughts and then I could be just scared and terrorized by these possibilities so that's why I've been saying not now and I haven't had to do that very often but for example I had this sort of thought about how one day we'll probably be able to like upload ourselves into the cloud because we're uploading data and documents and everything so one day you know will probably be uploaded into the cloud and I was sort of related to simulation theory which says chances are one day will be in a simulation version of reality and if if that's true then chances are were already in a simulation which is kind of weird it's a good simulation so I just related to that I'm like well we've probably up in the cloud which if we're all up in the cloud we would be able to almost project infinite simulations as our cloud selves and basically if we all went up into the cloud as our cloud selves and then the earth got destroyed because it inevitably will be at this rate yet if a few human survived eventually those few humans would probably go back to just living like the indigenous people did you know because everything else was destroyed or everything that was created by the mind of man didn't work out so it'd almost be like okay let's not do that let's go back to being indigenous people and then eventually they would just be like the indigenous people again and the earth would restore itself to some extent and then all of a sudden maybe like the people from the cloud come back and that's like you know the appearance of the alien you know the alien species which basically came back and then you know maybe decided well let's put the jeans back in the people that were indigenous in order for them to actually create again this world of man in the biology because you know it was kind of boring up here in the cloud in infinite simulations and an instant gratification you know we we want to go back to the world where we don't know what's going to happen where they're surprises where you know everything feels real and material and everything and then you know then they get to the point where is it oh we're uploading yourselves into the cloud again this sucks well let's wait for the earth to be restored and then we'll go back down and do it again so I had that thought that you know people would go back to the indigenous nature and then it was just sort of start all over again maybe that's already happened numerous times if not that would make a cool movie script right another thing about connecting to this inner energy this inner voice this inner information that's producing different voices or different information or different thoughts creativity it's to me it's almost like the voice of nature and it's the voice of Gaia and it's very distressing to see all the things that are happening to the earth and that's one of the things that causes these aberrant weird behaviors is that somebody's like in distress over all of this and instead of being able to communicate like oh my gosh look look like we're due into the world and each other it's taken as this person is unwell but really we need a listening ear we need somebody to listen to us and and I'll just talk us back into reality but also listen to some of the concerns because a lot of them aren't actually personal concerns if somebody was so concerned about themselves as a person they would probably be doing actions and behaviors to further themselves as a person as like a ego in society which that's what a lot of people are doing and most people are doing you know and that's what success is measured by but other people are connected to a different source of information that is telling them things that goes against society's ideas of success so even if someone did hear it wouldn't be valued it would just be like well that's whatever but it's a different voice it's like a voice of Gaia in my mind and there's talk about the coherence of the heart I've read a little bit on the heart coherence and it's probably related to like the heart math Institute I haven't read anything by them but I did come across a website complete coherence calm and it talks about if the heart is beating in coherence then you have like positive emotions and if it's incoherent then it's negative and when I think about being in altered states of consciousness where I'm extremely fearful and and terrorized my heart is beating terrified ins it's probably very incoherent and I'm very scared and you know if I'm in a state where I'm really happy and content and feeling balanced and centered then my heartbeat is probably very coherent but if I had this contented feeling it'd be very difficult at the same time experience emotional distress so what I've realized what I saw what I sent was that it's possible that this emotional distress this mania and psychosis is actually an electromagnetic imbalance its heart incoherence the heart is beating in terror and that's producing terrifying thoughts or even the other way around but thoughts are just sound which are vibration which are frequency which are energy and the heartbeat is also it's moving it's beating and it's producing electromagnetism and the electric field would be surrounding and going through the entire body and that's also related to breathing so a person will be like maybe breathing shallow or fast and erratically so I feel like a person has to like perceive something that's scary if it's a thought or an image inside it then produces the terrifying electromagnetic field of the heartbeat and it's difficult to change that so if a person has the terrified heartbeat extreme terror there's electromagnetism that's surrounding and going through the entire body and now you have the release of chemicals of biochemicals like cortisol and adrenaline what I'm saying is the electromagnetism creates the bio chemicals and then what's treated is the bio chemicals so maybe there's medications given to do whatever to change the biochemistry of the body you know they say it changes the biochemistry of the brain because it's a biochemical imbalance in the brain well maybe there's an electromagnetic balance which is causing the release of the biochemicals and so by just blocking the biochemicals one's not getting to the root what I'm saying is a person could maybe and we already know this like certain breathing calms a person down well the breathing changes the heartbeat the oxygen and getting oxygen into the body relaxes the body and then the biochemicals change so a lot of it to me is just reacting to say a fearful thought which is a vibration which produces the biochemicals so again why is somebody having these thoughts out of nowhere that aren't related to the present moment well it could be that there's an accumulation of thoughts over time which moves somebody away from the present moment so far to the extent that it's almost like all of that added together now creates that next level of terrifying pneus that imagine having say a hundred bad thoughts and all of a sudden 100 bad thoughts over time creates one really terrifying image well instead of having to think the hundred bad thoughts now you just have to see that terrifying image so it as almost like created this conglomerate in the body psychosomatic organism that a person could potentially be triggered into reacting to and then having a very strong beautiful reaction um and that could go with trauma to that it's stored in a different way like it's one thing if something happens and say somebody you know sticks up middle finger and traffic you think well that was a jerk what a jerk now that's a thought but if something terrible happens and it's like one hour long ordeal thats toward more is like an image movie in the body then just that one little incident so in that way something more more big can be stored and can come up and create a lot of trouble so there's you know there's some apps there's an app called stress doctor and it's about breathing to create more coherence and there's also complete coherence but then you need a chest strap to do the coherence breathing stuff um but how many of us don't even know how to breathe properly I remember once when I was in the psych ward I kept having these waking nightmares where I'd fall asleep but then I would immediately wake up and be having like a waking nightmare of some terrible kind and then this one night I was doing this breathing exercise that somebody had told me years ago and was doing it and doing it and it's annoying definitely focus so much on breathing but I fell asleep and I didn't have a waking nightmare and I didn't have any nightmares that night and that was only time that I managed to do it the other days I didn't manage to do the same amount of breathing or hadn't figured it out yet and then after that I still I did it but not to the same extent but the one time that I did it got my breathing in order I didn't have that happen and it was pretty amazing that just the breathing stop that and there's even that holotropic breathwork thats related to breathing and getting some of this stuff stored in us out of us so there's a lot there's a lot to that the breathing and the the heartbeat no it's the physiology and that that incoherent physiology is creating some of these images and thoughts that were being terrified out in there of the reinforcing its reinforcing itself so I'm wondering like if I have some of that fear I could almost interrupt it with some of these physiological things that I can do and holotropic breathwork also talks about how the psyche is always moving us towards healing so these experiences there a healing process it's not pleasant but it's a healing process and you know in a way it's like giving the universe the benefit of the doubt that it knows what we're doing and to me it seems like emotions are like stored gestures words experiences looks sounds physical injury if we had any and we use these experiences as memories to try and protect ourselves so if we're looking around in reality we can recognize something that we experienced and labeled as bad um these are these are stored patterns so we use all these so-called like bad experiences to protect us from bad experiences but by doing that we just keep accumulating more and more bad experiences instead of just letting things pass through us and and just you know giving the universe the benefit of the doubt and we just become so wound up and so tense with all these protections we think they're protection but really they're imprisoning us and we keep those memories to protect us and then accumulate more to protect us and then by keeping them in our memory we're seeing them when they happen again and then this puts us into fight or flight which then gives us the sort of poison chemicals of like fight or flight so by judging things as bad we're actually poisoning ourselves and I thought of a different term instead of fight or flight how about it-- or light aight as an all right means it's neutral and it's just like well it's alright just let it pass through and light is energizing or uplifting or causing wonder or aw so instead of using our eyes as a fight or flight why not look for beauty and and love and lightness and things that energize us and those things that energizes are actually like the oxytocin experiences in the bonding the other day I was walking on the street and under a tree sort of behind a hedge on some kind of public property there's a woman and a man and she was sleeping she was in a sleeping bag and it was kind of in a city like in a town that you don't see a lot of homeless people they don't really all hang around but so she SAT up a bit she looked at me and she had good morning like I said good morning and it was just wonderful because it was like I noticed her there and I wasn't thinking anything about um she shouldn't be there or anything like that I just happened to notice cuz I heard her speaking to her her friend her guy friend and so when she said good morning it was just like two human beings acknowledging each other not as me walking along the sidewalk and and her sleeping in a sleeping bag on a on a grassy hill somewhere where she probably shouldn't be and she didn't even say it like this person's going to tell on me or and he sort of concern about anything it was just it was just so nice and you know in a way she's free or I don't know it doesn't matter it was just good morning it doesn't have to be anything more than that I was just I was just surprised I was pleasantly surprised that I just received such a beautiful good morning from beautiful person on a beautiful day in beautiful circumstances it was such a gift and and another thing I saw was I was going to the grocery store and there was two teenage girls sitting on the sidewalk and and one of them was upset she was crying not out loud but I could see she was crying but I didn't really notice she was crying at first I I what I saw was an older lady with white hair giving the young girl a package of portable tissues of Kleenex and you know she wasn't it was just very sweet you know older older generation woman you know giving her little pack of tissues to a young girl who was upset and I didn't really I don't really see the girl or anything but when I walked out of the grocery store i just i smiled just when i walked by her i smiled and she smiled she was still visibly upset and what it was just to me another beautiful moment and I feel like looking for those or[Music]being open to those is amazing and there was actually a post on on facebook a while ago and I don't really use Facebook I don't really know how properly but I came across this post that there was a man really upset and probably homeless maybe on something I don't know and he was on public transit on the train and a woman just reached up an older woman and just put out her hand and grabbed his hand and he basically went from being quite aggressive and angry and probably scaring people on the train to sitting down on the ground beside the woman holding her hand crying and somebody said like why did you do that and she said he just needed his he just needs a mother or he just needs basically some love you know and that was just to me an example of the power of love it's more powerful like if if she can do that I don't understand why more people can be helped when they're in these extreme states without undue force you know it's all about a professional distance and all this stuff like we're human beings no I need of human beings is love there's no there's no innate programmed need in human beings for violence even though that's what's glorified in the world now I wondered a while ago why someone going through an upswing of energy at some point becomes drained and I've talked about how it's almost like have anyones battery charged and then trained within each interaction one has over time but I also thought about how those energetic states and that heart electromagnetic field produces helps to produce the bio chemicals which are some of the happy chemicals so there's the tryptamines and dmt which i think is a tryptamine which i think is made in the pineal gland I'm wondering if this extra energy this electromagnetism is what creates the epigenetic changes to create the molecules of these other states such as Ananda what it was it called an and amide which is an inner cannabinoid so all these exogenous things we like to take in order to change our state's a LSD marijuana we produce all of these exogenously we take into our system within our system to me in the state of mania the inner pharmacy gets going and creates these molecules that put us into these other states naturally I didn't take anything extra to go into the state of mania it just happened and I'm wondering if this electromagnetic field is what ignites this other state and maybe causes the epigenetic changes to create these molecules and I'm wondering if the state doesn't stay if we burn out if we get drained because we don't have the right molecules the right diet for example or the right vitamins or we run out of certain minerals because we don't have the storage of them or we don't progressively store up them by being in those states slightly so what I'm saying is that state could have drained a lot of nutrition that we don't normally need because we're not usually in the heightened state so for example say in that state I was producing DMT and on a normal day to day basis I don't produce that much of it maybe that utilized a certain mineral or certain amino acids and caused an imbalance in those amino acids so then that would cost maybe imbalances in other amino acids and I'm just using this hypothetically but what I'm saying is it could have just been lack of the nutrient to make that thing to stay in that altered state or it could have been using up the ones it could have even taken away from the ones we need for our sort of like quote unquote normal waking consciousness so then when we come down off of it all of a sudden we have this sort of chemical imbalance and I'm not saying that's true or proven or anything because it's not but and I'm not saying biochemical imbalance in the brain per se but it could have short-circuited our brain I think it's more like an electromagnetic biochemical change and and I think too that that's where some of the healing of love from another person or care comes from because that changes the electromagnetism of our electric field because their field interacts with our field and then that coherence in our electromagnetism can actually bring back some of the bio chemicals that we need in order to heal then that could be part of the healing power of relationship and laughter and connection you know maybe some of these if we create more oxytocin maybe that heals different things in the body that were unbalanced and i don't mean unbalanced as in like it's a permanent disease but it definitely creates shifts so I because I just wonder like why does a person get drained and mania like why does one not stay there forever like yes it gets dangerous but it also does sort of run its course and and a person sometimes ends up say in depression and it could just be that one's drained of minerals and essential nutrients that that state burned up it's like a hyper octane state and you know that could be some of it is like oxygen by getting the oxygen back in one body and the oxygen is actually electrons and you know electromagnetism is electrons and so maybe when the electromagnetism goes down then a person as all of a sudden depressed from like lack of electrons or like lack of electromagnetism which it could be partly connection connection to other people connection to the earth because a lot of times in extreme states a person becomes more and more isolated by virtue of having their own personal little ideas and thoughts and wonder and sharing less and less of their experience with other people because you know if the one can isolate because they're in a bad state but one can also isolate because they're in a good state thinking I don't need anybody this is wonderful I just have my own wonder pneus and wonderment but so yeah I'm very curious about that and I also feel like it could use a lot of a person's minerals so like the minerals are the active sites of enzymes and it could use up a lot of enzymes in the process of these states because there's so many more so many more synaptic reactions I'm guessing in the brain because so much is happening like firing up and all the sudden at all those reactions would utilize so many more amino acids and minerals to create those enzymes of and all of all of these signaling molecules as well so it's almost like they just get kind of used up and one has to like regenerate but then what if one was able to not have to have them all used up and have this regeneration period and that could be part of the importance of sleep and if one is in a manic state oftentimes they're not getting sleep so they're not allowing any time for the brain to regenerate if the brain can regenerate eight to ten hours a night oh it's fine but if all the sudden person sleeping two hours a night and the brains not regenerating that could really really use resources and then if they all get used up it's no wonder a person feels depressed it's because they don't have any reserves left of those molecules that they need in order to have a daily functioning and I can also see that all those reactions in the brain are creating new neural networks I remember having so many thoughts and ideas I didn't know what to do with them all and if i was to act on each one i would need a million lifetimes in order to carry them all out and i feel like that could almost be like this next level of the brain like growing and making all these new connections and making all these new connections and then there has to be again a process of pruning which is what am I going to do with all this so that could be part of like the crisis is that all the structure has been built but there needs to be some pruning so there's like a depression and a period of time where a person just really needs to rest so the brain can kind of like prune a person needs to be incapacitated to just sit there and not take it any new information by participating in society and going out on a daily basis in doing all these things because that'll just create neural networks and new associations and things so one just really needs to rest and let the brain prune and you know it's one thing to be able to have all those thoughts and insights and creativity create such a brain structure that once rested a person going out about a daily reality will now have the connections to see more connections doesn't mean a person has to act on every single one but they can make new associations based on like this hyper brain growth and it could be a structure in the brain that is almost like invisible to the human eye we can't even see it so dr. dan siegel talks about how the mid prefrontal cortex relational fibers go missing and somebody with bipolar maybe they were always missing or maybe they disconnect and in my mind you know why do we have why are we missing these relational fibers which we need to relate to society to me it's almost like the society we've all created is not sustainable it's society based on power growth materialism you know fame fortune and all these things that are actually quite antisocial and you know yet we call that the relational mind what I'm trying to say is these relational fibers that are missing actually Michael missing by design because we're not meant to relate to that structure society that is actually quite superficial we're not supposed to reintegrate in that we're not supposed to keep participating in that that's one of the reasons why it cuts us off from that but I feel like this hyper associative learning phase might actually grow different areas of the brain that maybe aren't discovered or different pathways of the brain that aren't discovered yet or maybe can't be seen or maybe it's actually about getting rid of some of those areas of the brain and that's better than actually growing brain cells is getting rid of some of the brain cells that are actually the ones responsible for how we relate together that's actually destroying each other so I feel like to that after this potential brain growth or new new connections when I was talking earlier about how some people if we store our memories of our hurts and sadnesses and now what that's doing is it's allowing us to perceive more and more of that and then I talked about how when I go out oftentimes I see something very beautiful like someone being kind and saying hello or you know a big fat spider in his web that he just finished creating and that's lovely and then the next level is all this brain growth from say a manic state which created all these hyper associations that I can't necessarily act on all within this lifetime what I'm saying is it creates all of that for me to possibly see out in reality now it creates that for me to relate to as opposed to my own past hurts and actually when I do go into seeing reality mirrored with my own past hurts that's when I go into psychosis so it's like my my hurts and my traumas and whatever that are still there somewhere but I don't think about on a daily basis if I gets resonated with well then I'm going to see more of that but usually I just see beauty and and good stuff so I'm wondering if these states of mania actually create and change the brain neural plastically to disassociate from consensus reality to some extent which some of us need to do with the species is going to survive and actually associate with different thoughts or thoughts that came from a different order of reality which was not one's own authorship it didn't the thoughts I had I didn't they were new they were something new there were new insights and seeing new things and new associations they weren't something that I thought of like by just Oh thinking didn't work that way so I feel like it actually is like a brain changing process so it grows our brain in a certain way and then it makes us crash so we can integrate it and it's it's very it's difficult but at the same time you know it's almost like the universe is desperate to grow brains like this because it'll grow it make us crash and then we usually get pathologized because of that and then God get put on medication which is trying to prevent it from happening again when I feel like harvesting some of the point of all of it is some of the protection in terms of the altruistic feelings and in getting with that in daily reality so there's that idea that designing altruism into services as a good thing for helping people because when the fastest ways to feel better is actually to do something for somebody else so say I put in a hundred pounds of effort whatever that means into my own personal recovery by changing this and doing that and doing this I might only get this far whereas if I put 10 pounds of effort into helping someone else I might get this far so I don't know where I got that measurement but basically I'm just trying to say that the altruism we're helping other people might be what it might be what this state is trying to get us to move towards so by moving towards that in daily reality after that means we've gotten the message and we're being congruent and coherent with what the entire point of the entire process was and I'm not saying that's the only point but it's some of the point and that to me is self-evident with the fact that so many of us in the state give stuff away do nice things try to be kind and then at some point we get like pissed off because the world's not like that not everyone's like that and then we see people doing stupid and we get mad and then or we started thinking why I'm the greatest and well that's not the point of it it's not I'm the greatest it's you got to be great to help everybody not I'm great for my own personal feeling and gratification so um so yeah that's just some thoughts I had about it these things I kind of see bye-bye just asking questions or really looking into something and I've done some studying about things and I just like to share them and talk about them because I find it interesting and I'm not going to go out there and do a scientific study on it because that would be like okay every single idea or thought I have if I was to do a scientific study on it I would need like a million lifetimes and I don't have that so I would just like to share it to share the thought to share the idea it's interesting you know connecting the breath to the heartbeat to the electromagnetism to the electrons to the minerals which are a positive charge and oh I even had this thought that I even had this thought that lithium taking so much lithium which is a mineral which is a positive charge might actually inhibit some of the active sites of the enzymes that participate in putting a person into a manic state or like a more depressed state so it might keep somebody stable by say there wasn't so much lithium but there was the spectrum of minerals necessary the body biochemistry might start having the proper amounts of minerals for the active sites for the enzymes to create certain biomolecules that might put a person into the hyper perceptive manic state and so it's almost like the heaviness it's like a heavy metal like keeping a person down and grounded or it could be we don't have enough minerals and the lithium is being a mineral to keep us balanced or something but it also a mineral just having so much lithium in the system it's like one frequency minerals or frequencies of light and it's like one frequency of light instead of and it's a big one that's like blocking all the other little frequencies of light and a person in and mania is kind of like more fluid on the spectrum of behavior and it's like me it's like it's like lithium keeps behavior like in that narrow band of who you are this is who you're supposed to be as a person in this society I've also heard that I don't want to use the word but say mental illness exists between people so it doesn't exist in a person but in the relationship or sort of the space between and I was thinking about how we have our own selves and as we're walking around in daily reality there's like this space between us and whatever it is we're seeing and usually when we're seeing something or judging it and so we're seeing the thing it's another person and then the judgment is actually in the space it's sort of like it's filling its flavoring the entire space around us this judgment that we might be having of another person and that goes with what I was talking about before about how our thoughts our words our vibrations are actually affecting the fabric of reality which is space and so this judgment feeling of somebody is actually also infecting the space and the the judgment is words it's also a feeling so it's just infecting this space and if you think well judgments in the space happiness is in the space but if we're choosing to walk around judging its judgment and so if we have this collective space full of judgment full of anger full of hateful the whole spectrum from good to bad you know at some point a person might manifest say mental illness well judgment and all that negativity is kind of a mental illness it's like it's not good but since it's invisible we think it's okay and then a person with a quote-unquote mental illness might be like judging themselves or hating themselves to the point where they're self harming but if we're all doing that and then some people get to the point where it's they're doing it too much they could be picking up on other people's judgments because it's in the space the judgment of people like their family members against them it's in this base and all of that a person ends up manifesting a so-called mental illness but it's in the space so it's not just the percentage it's all those vibrations in the space and the relationship between two people what I'm saying with this is not so much about how a person can manifest it as a mental illness supposedly but we're each responsible for this space that we have each relationship in each moment of each day that we have we're responsible for creating that space and what kind of space are we creating and if we're creating judgmental space we're adding to stigma judgment discrimination on every level of society so we're actually causing this in other people and in ourselves it's not someone else is just diseased in the head no it's like all in the space in the vibration and that's why just the love connection and relationship and understanding and dialogue can actually heal people of these ailments because it's the opposite of what the opposite of what caused them to sort of funnel down into those lower spaces of existence I had another thing that I thought was kind of interesting and that was basically that I've I've talked a bit before about how I never took on the diagnosis of having a mental illness so I took on the diagnosis but I didn't take on the mental illness so yes I'm a person living with a diagnosis yes the doctor did give me a diagnosis and expert professional said this is what you have here's your diagnosis and it's a mental illness and I'm okay with having a diagnosis but I don't necessarily ascribe to having a mental illness and that's why i like to think about it in a lot of different ways because i think there's actually you know thousands of more ways of looking at it that are really infinite and complex and beautiful than just mental illness so when I was talking before about how words are vibration so if I kept saying in my own mind mental illness that's like a vibration that's going to change my brain cells it's going to change the neuropeptides my brain makes and my body makes and it's almost going to it's almost going to really solidify that in my body so I never I never did accept that and I still don't it could be that the doctors think that I am but I don't and probably most people I mean wouldn't think that that's true in talking to me they wouldn't be able to tell anything's wrong so the system thinks that because they're the ones that see me when I'm unwell and some of my friends but um but I don't think that and I'm not trying to say that as denial but I just I don't even think it's healthy for me to think that way because i feel like the paradigm will change and one day they won't see it that way so in my mind I'm just sort of like ahead of the game with that and doesn't mean I don't accept help if I need if I'm in distress yes i have distress big time and i need help and maybe the help is in the paradigm of mental illness and that's fine but they don't need to know that I don't feel like that's a good description of it it's not even a description it's a term it's not like an umbrella term but basically what I'm trying to say here is that if i was to say that to myself all the time it would affect my heart electromagnetic field right so i made my put up a wall against that and I didn't let my heart beat beat with the thought that that's what I have and in that I didn't change my physiology to reflect the fact that that's what I think and I'm just saying I didn't let the diagnosis affect my heart because a lot of what I connected with in those other states of consciousness were all heart things heart-centered things altruism or even the terror of being traumatized which you know a trauma is like it hurts your heart if you physically survive it hurts your heart that's what trauma is and so I didn't let the diagnosis of fact those heart things I didn't let it explain away the heart stuff that I experienced and I really feel if I do have a disease I have a disease of my heart and at times my heart does get dis eased and that goes back to what I was saying about the incoherent beat and the electro the electromagnetic field in my heart it it changes when I'm terrified and a lot of what I experienced when I'm terrified is some of the the terrified things of the collective you know it's not it's like we share one heart and we have all these different brains but we really share one Harley you can't do a brain transplant but you can do a heart transplant and even some they say a lot of memories are actually stored in the heart so maybe there are certain memories that are stored in our hearts it's almost like it's almost like quantum growing pains like the quantum field is a different it's a different source I when I talked about the brain growth in mania that we maybe don't see our brains could actually maybe get smaller but maybe we get new different types of brain cells or something that are smaller because quantum computation and quantum processors are smaller so there could be quantum effects going on in the brain that we can't pick up on you and it may appear that we're losing brain cells and things but really really we're not I talked in another video about how only together are we immune against psychiatry and it's kind of funny to think that we could have herd immunity against psychiatry and I think of the word heard as it's meant in heart immunity but then I also think of it as heard as in h.e.r d as in hearing so if we're listening to each other if we're hearing each other if we're sharing our memes and our thoughts and our ideas if we're sharing our hearts not just the memes of the we've been through through all this but the means that we had when we were connected with our hearts at some point which might be a long time ago for some people because of being far removed from that experience but basically you know a lot of us are sad that our hearts were taken away in a way and so I feel like we need herd immunity it's not just us standing together but it's us standing together and talking and understanding each other and and sharing with each other and just holding space for each other that non-judgmental space that we can hold for each other because we've been there you know there is no judgment we've been there I also thought of mania sort of disorganized kindness and it's almost like a kindness disorder and mania gives us different reasons to be happy we're sort of happy from within for no reason just perceiving beauty and the wonder of the world and lastly I just want to talk about something I mentioned at the beginning of this video which was that words are kind of the problem and our words are destroying us and I talked about several ways this is so or possible and biology wants us to survive and so I've talked about to how children who develop autism are somewhat immune to words and words are using us so it seems important for certain people to be immune to words so words can't use children with autism and there's a lot of different theories about what causes it to develop and one of them for example is say antibiotic use so it's like we've gotten to this point where we're using so much antibiotics and pretend that is a factor I don't know for sure now if the antibiotics destroy the microorganisms and then basically a child can't learn words antibiotics are destroying words so by destroying the germs the terms are destroying the words and the words destroy us so it's kind of interesting that we've gone to this point that whatever it is toxic stuff toxic you know food toxic air you know going against nature with antibiotics and all these things that go against nature we're now producing children who can't pick up language in the same way and its language that has created all this mess by all the rational theories and all the logic but the logic is destroying the nature but our own logic is now destroying our own logic because we're having kids that won't be able to be so logical and thus maybe prevent logic from completely destroying the world or at least they won't care as much with a lot of what we value gets destroyed because they won't really value it they might actually be the ones to destroy it seeing that it's completely valueless so it could be interesting
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so the first random bit I want to talk about today is about experiential learning and how altered states of consciousness such as mania are sort of like experiential learning experiences so usually we try to learn by maybe reading or watching YouTube but it's another thing to have an energy take us over that causes us to behave in different ways that actually gets learning happening in our psychosomatic organism in our physiology in our neural plasticity so if I wanted to learn tennis and I practiced a lot of hours that would be embedded in my muscle memory as well as in my brain and neuroplastic changes in my brain certain areas my brain would be more connected or larger or light up when I'm in that action of tennis so in that way I feel like the universe is trying to get us to be some kind of player it's trying to get us to act and be in a different way and I talked before about how Buckminster fuller had a quote relating to the spontaneous social behaviors needed in order to save humanity and save the planet and I feel this energy is an energy that is creating some of those spontaneous social behaviors to save the planet and after a person has an experience like this at least in my experience it changed me a lot and I also had the thought that mania is sort of like disorganized kindness or or disorganized altruism a person to just popping around trying to be kind everywhere and being kind beyond one's bounds so for example I might in that state think that I should give all my money away because I feel like I have everything I need so i should give all my money to charity and while that's really wonderful and kind of me it is not going to help me function in a daily basis because i'll have no money to function so society is not structured the way that a person in mania feels it is it feels like Society runs on kindness and giving and sharing and love and that actually might be the underlying fabric of reality and how reality works naturally that's how we're naturally programmed from birth is to connect and to be kind to each other into care just like the mothers programmed to care for infant and the infant is programmed to respond so I feel like in that state that altered state called mania or maybe magic or mystery a person feels like they understand those underlying fundamental laws of reality and they are the laws of reality but they're written / by our clever human programs and so I also thought of this idea of how mania is kind of like its kindness and wonderful and lovely but a certain point it becomes altruistic anxiety it feels like one has so much to give and doesn't know how to give it and so it's almost like we implode because we have we just don't know how to be in that state all the time and perhaps because that state isn't the way society is designed it's a state we feel like we get to that state and it's like an infinite state and it's a timeless state so it feels like that's how it always is and that's how it always has been and that's just the way the world works but once reconnected to consensus reality we realized well as not the way it works but that state exists in a place beyond time it's always everywhere ever-present omnipotent it's something to do with the quantum hologram and it's like the underlying fabric but since that knot isn't how it is all the time we feel it just when we're in that state which feels like a timeless state but I still feel that that state wants to unfold and inform the material linear everyday reality so there's something to be harvested from that state and usually a person in that state it's too much energy there's way too much energy in that state and and I've talked in another video how it's like a person goes around dissipating all the energy until they crash and they usually crash lower than the baseline but it's because it's almost like it it is that painful to come back to daily reality from that timeless state and I'm not saying that's true this is just these are just some ideas and thoughts I had that I wanted to share nothing is absolutely true these are just words to point to that experience that I had and maybe other people have had to but it's it's not fact there's no facts in that state and[Music]and I've heard the term positive social contagion and I feel like a person in that state is a bit of a positive social contagion in that they're being positive and having it mirrored back to them and I also feel like a person that has fallen flat on their face after a state like that might be able to create themselves as a positive social contagion in daily life it's able to be the physical time-space version of that timeless version of oneself or of the ultimate a person experienced and bring that into consensus reality and its really an another idea that I've talked about before is oxytocin experiences so oxytocin is more about bonding and social relationships and giving and sharing and those things that you can't really measure like you can't really measure friendship you can't really measure what a hug does you can't measure the feeling of a bond between a mother and the child yeah these are things that are just so innately programmed into us it's like the immeasurable is programmed right into us and we're so focused on measuring things and we've lose sight of the fact that the immeasurable is already programmed into our neurology and it's those things that that you can't actually measure that matter so I really see mania as a state of play as an invitation to relearn how to play or not even relearn because we already know it's forget those things that are put on top of our being that prevents us from playing as adults we forget how to play we know how to play it as children we didn't need to be shown how and then all the society structures came on us and we forgot how to play I think another thing this energy is inviting that we need to just play without motive without this is the reason you should play just being playful it's very important and being playful with each other being playful implies responding to social cues that are not necessarily written rules anywhere yet we have these other written rules that override our natural ways of being as human beings and then we have to remember the code of conduct and we think we need that code of conduct in order to conduct ourselves well we didn't really need that it was imposed upon us and I think this is especially important to practice with strangers in those other states of consciousness in mania strangers are very exciting and there's a lot of healing power and strangers because it's two people meet and there's no preconceived notions besides maybe some like prejudgments but there's no knowledge of the person from previous interaction so you can show up how you want to show up and you can really choose and you could really show that person that you're meeting with that this really is a friendly universe that was Einstein's big question or one of his questions was is this a friendly universe and I also wonder is this a playful universe so the universe not just friendly but also playful so I feel like mania is a positive social contagion it's trying to show us how to be in some ways trying to get us to unlearn certain ways you know a person that has that experience feels wonderful and then when a person is given a diagnosis and Medicaid medicated there's basically told that's not an acceptable way to be and I still feel that there's a lot of good behaviors and traits that come through a person in that state there's also some maybe not so great ones but it's almost like a person is restored to childlike innocence but they're an adult so they could do some harm but a person really does forget the rules of society and and does have to learn some of them again but it can be done in a gentle way I still feel a person can be invited to embody some of those traits they experience themselves to be instead of just going back to the person they were to make other people feel comfortable that oh this person is in recovery because now they're just how they were before or how I remember them well some of those traits are for you and some of those traits are for the world the world needs some of these traits the world needs some of this altruistic anxiety one of the things I dislike the most about having a crisis is that I need to go back to egocentricity I have to worry about my own health have to worry about making sure I get through it but other than that like once I get back to myself to a certain extent I go back to I feel is more of a worldcentric outlook when I think about stuff it's more about the world and that's how it was in mania to it sort of sparked my worldcentric nature and I think that's really important and that's something that I wouldn't want to give up so it really feels like some of these extreme states of consciousness such as mania ignite a sort of inner alchemy so there's different biochemistry going in on in the body and different behavior happening which creates different neuroplastic changes that change a person to some extent and I think there's a lot of changes that are are towards something meaningful so it's like an inner alchemy it's it's an inner process the transformation it's a renewal as some people have called it and to me it's almost like i think i remember reading about in neurobiology there's like a pruning of the brain at some points in development so some of the unnecessary connections get pruned off well to me some of this could be a pruning and it could be a pruning off of buying so much into society structures like a person that goes through this kind of crisis a lot of times has a hard time integrating back into society and to me maybe some of those bits of the brain were pruned off and maybe they need to be maybe we need less people buying into this materialism and this petition and this progress and this economic growth without thinking about gross national happiness or happiness of people and just waiting progress with with happiness but if we don't question the progress and progress at what cost we're not weighing the costs of the progress so if it's progress and all the forests are gone that's not progress at all we won't have any air to breathe so sort of this mindless progress and so to me the fact that there's more and more people being disabled from society I don't think these people are disabled like I don't think I'm disabled I think I'm enabled in certain ways and I'm disabled from really buying into society as it's structured and perhaps that's why I don't fit in but maybe I'm not supposed to want to desire to fit back in because maybe me not fitting into society is actually part of what's going to change society sort of an unrelated thought I was thinking about words and how in a different state of consciousness once I was playing with words and seeing different meanings and words and creating new words and deriving words and making words that already exist in two equations of physics and then being amused at how it relates and it's almost like in that state thoughts and words get out of control and are scrambled and maybe they get scrambled so when a person comes out on the other side they have a new language I feel like some of that state is trying to create a new language a language of oneness or it's trying to give us the language of the interior of the human being which is shared by everyone so it's everyone's interior language sort of the innate language that has been programmed over by all these words that exist in society and words really program us actually feel like words themselves are the root of the problem and I'll talk a little bit more about that later well more related to that I feel like it might be true that the prefrontal cortex contains a lot of our language and higher so-called higher functions of thoughts words and language and the prefrontal cortex is the thing that gets disabled to some extent or scrambled and I think it could be because it's evolved to a point where our words are really beginning to use us so we don't really use words now as much as they use us and[Music]the language is useful for communication but when we when we start to put more importance to the words then to the actual things that the words are pointing to them we have a problem because if there is a conflict it's just a conflict over words and then we're willing to do away your harm and actual something over a word which is just meant to point to some things and we're using words and rationality which is words to justify destroying life which is something beyond words it's something more than words our life created words but now we're using words to destroy life and that's a big problem and I've talked about before how I actually feel like the children being born and then developing or being born with or however it works autism it's because we've reached a certain critical mass on the earth where we can no longer have this many human beings using words to destroy life so these children are being born will be a whole generation of a very large population of people that have a different outlook on life because they just don't have the same language so they you know if you try to explain to somebody why they should go to war I don't know if they would do it like or maybe they would be more programmable I don't know it's gonna be hard to say but I actually I had this sense about something related to that but I can't remember right now even the stories and even the stories and ideas of psychiatry are our words it's a word to describe a whole entire living process and then with that word which is like a meme we're infected with a stigma and the meaning that that entails and I don't know if that's helpful I actually came across a website which is point of return org and they help people get off medications it seems like a very good organization i just thought i would mention that so i've talked before about embodying one's mania and i realized that it's sort of a process afterwards of harvesting it harvesting the traits and then seeing the possibilities and then practicing and then embodying so harvesting practicing embodying and by practicing it doesn't mean just going through the motions but maybe finding activities where a person is naturally utilizing that trait or perhaps taking some some kind of course to create that trait or seeing the way one was if one's not able to be that now what can one do to move towards being that way say for example I wanted to take Toastmasters to improve my self-confidence am i speaking because I realized that when I was in that state it came naturally but when I'm not in that state it's not there but I can still work towards practicing it and embodying it and I've talked about how to if I've sort of become that version of me that I was in mania in my daily life then perhaps I no longer need the mania to inform me because I thought the message about the type of messenger I'm supposed to be so it's not just about getting the message to say the message it's also how do i need to be in order to convey that message specifically what kind of messenger do i need to be what kind of communicator what am I here to say what am I here to do we're all wondering those sorts of things I really feel that that state gives a person a glimpse of who they can be in who they are underneath that programming it's almost like the adult child version of oneself so if I was to imagine that I was a kid and then I grew up and I never got all this societal programming from school from parents from whatever it's almost like the innocent unscathed trajectory of one's childhood to adulthood and that's what the manic state in a way is so it's I feel it's like a natural state but it's not natural in this society to be that full of life vitality and energy and it's very foreign so it feels really energetic whereas if it wasn't so foreign maybe it would just feel like normal so in daily life if I'm experiencing mild depression no energy lethargic is that the normal state of how a human is supposed to be get so many of us that's how we operate so what I'm saying is a person in mania might not seem really that abnormal and overly happy and energetic that might be the normal state of humanity but since everyone else is kind of dull doubt a person in mania seems abnormal because everyone else is actually abnormal in that they're not experiencing the vitality and the joy of being a human being and if everyone was in that joy nobody would have to be an extreme joy so yes harvest your manic traits practice them and embody them and hopefully that happens naturally in daily life anyway but it's probably not going to happen sitting at home watching TV which so many of us have been told to do and we haven't been told that as in ghosts home and watch TV but by saying you're abnormal you're ill you're not going to do very much or even to say you know you will recover somewhat that's basically what their sentencing us to a life of I remember once in an altered state of consciousness which was scary I saw on my computer screen it said language is a virus and now if you think about how so many of us have language going on all the time in our heads which sort of like infected by viruses and some of those thoughts and words and different things are good and some are bad and then if we have a good thought we like oh I like that so I want another good thought if we have a bad thought we say oh I don't like that so it's just all we are is this judge going on all day of judging our thoughts which aren't even ours they're just happening we just pick them up from somewhere and so when this whole scramble thing happens in different states of consciousness it's almost like antivirus software this energy comes in and takes over a person and if you could think for a second that language is kind of like a virus that's infected us we can't turn it off it's using us then this antivirus comes in and the language and our brains are scrambled and we don't know what thoughts are from where and when and how some are from past future me somebody else and we just don't even know who we are anymore well it's almost like the antivirus software and it's chaotic but at the same time if we didn't have that we could easily be turned into programmed robots at some point it almost feels like it ensures that we can't get to programmed by words and even if it risks doing major harm to some of us it also in a way saves us because it's a source of other thoughts of thoughts and ideas from somewhere other than our own circular programmed groove that we pick up as a program and it keeps us behaving according to some kind of societal norm which is just a very narrow band of experience and behavior and then that's okay but so many of us in that state that's called normal are so close and ready to just snap because we can barely keep it together so and that's just a person that doesn't even have this energy come in and take over so when somebody has this energy come in and take over all that circular thought that keeps us going in our daily circular habit of routine is broken up and maybe that's actually what is kind of needed because we're all living this routine and habit in society that we think is freedom but it's kind of just like a decorated prison cell and we just keep doing it we don't really think that we can do any differently you know we think oh add a few positive thoughts and life will be better and we can just keep doing the same old shitty thing well when something like an altered state comes in that energy we don't have a choice but to change and do things differently and experiment and play and be chaotic and be disorganized and I'm not saying that's wonderful it's not I'm just talking about it that it could be from a different level it instead of looking at as like a personal crisis or illness I think there is an over arching significance to it that has probably been talked about in lots of different places I just hadn't really seen it myself but I'm just having conversation as if I would to a friend and talking about it because it's very it's very interesting I see the evolutionary significance of it not just from the whole spiritual emergency or emergence paradigm where where that sounds kind of wonderful like we're becoming spiritual beings but I also feel like it's evolutionary in protecting us from our own self-destruction even though these states seem like self-destruction as in someone's destroying themselves bad but it's destroying the ego it's just drawing the ego structure which has become largely unhealthy I feel like psychosis mania I haven't used that word much in this but it's it ensures complexity it ensures complexity of humans of humanity and we're moving towards being more and more complex perhaps because now there are certain societies that are affluent enough to be able to consider these things like for example like changing one's gender I think that's an example of complexity were not all meant to be the same you know man woman grow up have children maybe that was like the original story that we still all buy into and maybe that was actually true when that was written that was absolutely true but evolution or creation moves towards complexity and if you think about more and more people whether there's more percentage of people who are of different sexualities or if more people are just being being more comfortable to come out with theirs I feel like right now the world could use ninety percent of men being gay first of all they're not going to rape women which is a huge travesty and not as many of them are going to want to procreate and have children and there's way too many people on the planet so I think gay men are actually a godsend personally and even women that get together maybe not as many of them will have children the world needs last children and so more and more people that are of that orientation to not have children are actually good in that way so what I'm saying is to me it's somewhat evolutionary it could be else to protect women because there's just so many horrific things um and also to have less population on the planet now that's just who knows if that's true right like how are you ever going to prove that you can't prove that and I'm not saying it's true I'm just saying that instead of hating complexity see that it's necessary and it's it only makes sense like if we were all the same every single part like every man was the same and every woman was the same it's like what would that be and then you know if you have people that are a little bit different and a little bit different where do you draw the line that okay now it's two different and that's not okay that doesn't exist it's just dumb so I actually feel like those altered states of consciousness are the power of creation because a lot of creative ideas come through those states and a person will have thoughts that they feel they did not author and I'm not talking about the scary ones I'm talking about people having insight and innovation and creativity and different inspiration and I feel like that's actually a source of some of the new ideas and things that we need in order to help the world because the circular thoughts that every single person on this planet practically thinks on a daily basis are not going to do the trick most people are thinking about their next meal or when they're going to do their laundry those aren't world-changing ideas so somebody goes into an altered state where always when they're connected to inspiration that really should be valued and if a person is in that powerful state and they're so inspired that they can barely function and they're acting weird that's just all the more sign that they're authentically in that state keep them safe protect them allow them to harvest their stuff that it's not even for them it's for the world and then and then help them to to to heal after basically being struck by lightning in a way maybe not one big bolt but it's just such a flow of energy that it's important to value that and and it makes sense that a person in that state needs the help of others needs care needs love needs attention needs understanding for that state to actually be utilized properly because if you think about it if a person could go into that state have all that wonderful insight and then just come out of it like nothing happened they could use that for wrong purposes or personal profit personal gain now if a person goes into that state and then basically it almost destroys them they have to have some pretty amazing help and support from other people and be connected to others and have others help them in order to bring whatever it was they discovered into reality because that would be the protective mechanism against it being used wrongly by just one individual for personal gain or it just shows the power of that state that it's almost like whatever it was that person was connected to in that other state they're trying to bring it into reality and if they don't get love and care and acceptance and understanding it's not going to be brought into reality and it's almost like the consciousness of humanity needs to be at a certain level for a certain number of people to gather around a person in that state and really fully support them to bring that gift through and when that happens maybe that thing will be created for the benefit and the good of all or I've talked about before how may be numerous of us have had certain visions and thoughts and experiences and you know we might have schematics and diagrams on our wall and this is utopia well if we don't talk to each other and collaborate we're not going to be able to create it because it's just going to be a picture on the wall and we could look at it and have warm and fuzzy feelings and thoughts and remember that pleasurable state we were in or think about how wonderful weird ingenious we are that we were able to to draw this schematic and we understand it and we see how it works but the schematic and utopia imply everyone else so there's got to be a certain number of people that oh you saw that too I saw that you saw the oh wait so many of us saw that so now we can co-create and collaborate because it's for the world it's not just for me like I went to utopia I came back now i'm here with everyone else I don't want to go back to utopia by myself that's why I came back here right but we forget that after being medicalized and you know told what's wrong and unmedicated we forget we went somewhere in a way was I can enter outer thing it's a mystery it's hard to explain you can't explain it you you can try but some of us don't come back some of us don't make it back to this reality where they go we don't know they might actually be in Utopia and they went there by themselves and maybe there are some people up there but or wherever it is but if we're still here it can be brought to fruition in this reality potentially what else is there to do ok sit here and watch movies or talk about creating a better world for everybody and I don't know how to do that I kind of went to that better world and I saw it but it's very difficult to stay there other people don't see it too so I was thinking about how the power of creation is also the power of destruction so the energy of those altered states comes in and almost it scrambles the words it scrambles the thoughts it scrambles one's ego it sort of destroys it and in destroying that it's actually creating something else so usually our ego is destroyed when our body dies but it can also be destroyed by this energy at certain times uninvited by the universe and it's a universal force that's the thing the universe could do this to anyone anytime nobody's immune and it just goes to show the power of that energy and right now it happens to a certain percentage of people who's to say that it won't increase in the number and percentage so these other ways of being that are really important in order to you know make the world better are actually of interest everybody and by destroying the ego it tries to bring about world centricity because usually we have egocentricity happening it's a world centricity I was also thinking about how words are sounds sounds are vibrations and everything is made of energy vibration so if we even have a word in our head that's a vibration and it's changing the fabric of reality so this is how our words actually really do affect reality and any thought goes out there and it creates some kind of effect whether it's a thought or word or I mean look or a gesture it does something and and we think we're able to hurt others but we only really hurt ourselves and even the sounds that are vibrations the words and our heads they're vibrating our brain cells and that vibration changes how we see so if you think well if we're thinking bad words in her head or bad thoughts whatever it's actually changing our brain so that is painting over the reality we see so we're seeing things negatively if we're being negative in our head we already kind of know that when you really think about it in terms of vibration you can really sense like that's how it's it's interfering those negative vibrations of the words in one's brain are interfering with the actual vibrations out there in reality and they're actually interacting with the actual vibrations in reality you think that you know that's not going to really change very much well yeah throwing a pebble in the ocean we'll just have a tiny ripple effect and that's kind of maybe like one thought but if every single person is thinking 50,000 thoughts a day x billions of people and they're mostly negative that is affecting reality that's words that sound in our minds that's vibration then we wonder why some people here terrible negative thoughts of other people's voices in their heads it's just it's just the collective manifestation like some people are going to pick up on that and some people are going to have that pattern happen where they're having sounds and words of other people supposedly in their own head and along with that is I feel like we have an inner voice like an inner fighting voice or that's nothing new but if we're always thinking thoughts and our brains repeatedly we can't hear or sense that inner voice and I feel like that is sort of the voice or the energy that comes through when people go into altered states of consciousness insane mania and they're having all these insights and new thoughts and new ideas and are super creative because that's the energy of creation and we are creators and we turn into habitual creatures because we have these repetitive thoughts going on in our on our heads but if that was to subside or a different energy comes in then there's a different sound there's a different source for those sounds it's an energy which turns into sound in our heads so we can hear the message or whatever that creativity that creation is trying to say so there's like the words of the energy of creation or there's the words of the habit of the ego and we're so programmed by the ego words that we're not connected to that inner source of inspiration and ideas it's like Eureka it's like serendipity and maybe we have that every once in a blue moon but we can have that all the time in terms of learning and seeing things anew we can actually learn by just walking around in the reality and being very attentive but we're not attentive because we're paying attention to our own ego thoughts so we're not learning so then we need to go to books to learn and then we read and then we try to like remember stuff but really if we're just intensely in the moment and present our perception will show us what we need each moment so I may have given the examples if I'm about to leave the house and I realize I don't have I realized that I need my keys well that doesn't that just comes out of the blue it's almost like something else calculates that oh you don't have your keys and so it pops in my head but i'm not actually I wasn't thinking about my keys and that's just a small example so these sounds these inner words these vibrations these negative thoughts the vibrating our brain cells they're changing our whole biochemistry these words these sounds in our brain are literally killing us and each other because they have an effect on body mind organism they have an effect on the quantum field of reality on the morphogenetic field so it feels like quite a jolt when this energy comes in and all of a sudden we have this creativity and we have this Wonder and we have this we have this aw yet we were born with that and then it gets painted over and then when it comes back it feels like such a jolt and it feels so foreign when that's probably actually our natural state I don't think it's our natural state to be so dull to be so monotonous to be so habitual to just do the same old thing every day and then watch so much TV so if you think of these altered states of consciousness of some kind of antivirus software coming in to sort of scramble up the ego and scramble up society to some extent and then almost a test to see how people will respond if they'll respond compassionately to this to see that it's a transformation or if they'll respond how they respond but basically giving a person that has this antivirus thing happen within them medication is like turning off a computer in order to solve a virus really we need to do something about the words the words are the virus and we know that to some extent and that's why there's a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy for thoughts oh you change the thoughts of it you change the behavior well what about questioning the words themselves how many of them do we really need do we need thoughts happening in our head all the time we're only limited by our thoughts which are words so much of what we do to self-medicate is to calm the words whether it's eating or doing something like bungee jumping or trying to get in the flow state we're limited by words and by our thoughts
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some people that aren't these extreme adventure sport athletes well the same can go for mania if mania is sort of a flow state can one bring some of those elements into one's daily life to be more flowy in daily life instead of just following into the cycle of depression and then not taking anything of value from the mania I feel like if something's taken and practiced then maybe the depression won't happen so much I also had a thought that it seems that there is an evolutionary force that's trying to shut down the prefrontal cortex so mania addictions schizophrenia you know probably various mental until illnesses shut down the prefrontal cortex which is the me the linear thinking the sense of separation and then there's a lot of movement consciously to shut it down through mindfulness through meditation through yoga through so many things that people are doing on a daily basis to shut it down and in terms of the flow state that shot sit down so flow is so great like why do we need this prefrontal cortex at all where do we get it from one of my questions is why do we condition kids out of their flow because I feel they're in flow when they're born to a certain point when they go to school and I learn the rules and they learn this and they learn the judgments and they learn how to measure themselves again and compare and then here goes the yammering voice yadi yadi yadi why do we give people why do we get children that voice at all and then we cradles hoopla and self-help and even this if this research about flow be like wow it's so amazingly flow right flow we got to be in flow well we were in flow when we were kids so why do we keep giving our kids this why are we allowing them to inherit this why do we keep going on with this and then interestingly enough I don't know much about the neuroanatomy or neurophysiology or neuro electricity or neurobiology of autism but I'm guessing that there's something ask you with the prefrontal cortex which is the me which is the thinking which is the reasoning which is the rationality which is the judgment which is the words which is the language why are such a large percentage of children acquiring or whatever happens of course there's lots of debate about why there's so many children that are autistic or on the spectrum they're not picking up language I feel that language is actually the problem we're talking about old genetics of this and genetics of that I mentioned in another video is really the memes it's the memetics it's the words we're poisoning each other with our words and now there's a generation of children being born or it's been going on for a while and I think it'll only get worse that are not able to pick up the language in the same way something that you know 20 years ago was taken for granted that a child would just pick up language now all of a sudden there's a whole profession and so many people trained on how to intervene to shove language down these children's throats who can't acquire it and we never questioned the words themselves we never questioned what it is we're trying to force them to acquire and I feel like the prefrontal cortex is on its way out through people going through these spontaneous crises and transformations and not being steady state and so many people meditating there's so many people trying to get rid of the very thing that we're trying to impress upon these autistic children and I'm not trying to say don't teach them language I'm just it's just very sad and interesting to me that I feel autism is evolutionary as well just like mental health and mania and this energy coming up through people in mania and in another video I talked about the spontaneous social behaviors that will stave off extinction and I feel a lot of those are expressed or someone in mania with their hyper altruism and sort of dissipate it out to the multitude and then the person crashes and instead of seeing them as sort of a hero temporary hero in a way they're seen as ill one day that will change and it is different in different cultures like the shamanic tradition a person is actually seen and supported to to cultivate their visionary abilities and to be a healer because they're recognized as this person is a healer look what they're already doing now let's support them to work towards integrating that so they can be that way on a daily basis embodied mania hello which is just another word and i actually created a word i called it show mania cuz i actually feel shamanism is shame anism i don't really know tomato tomahto I don't know the right way to say it I actually like shamanism better but I've heard a lot of people that are shaman's I jamin so I created a little word it's called Romania just sort of uniting the two views of shamanism and mania not that they're completely congruent but just to show parallels that if I was to create something around embodying ones mania I might call it shoe mania even though I know nothing about shamanism but anyways back to the autism my niece has autism and she is a genius like what I also feel is that it proves in a way that intelligence has nothing whatsoever to do with language and thought she's very intelligent she doesn't have that much language she's getting there she is enough to communicate with us but she can use an iphone and an ipad and play Nintendo and we like nobody's business and she's like three years old when she was able to do that I don't know what she is now in for and she's so athletic she's so energetic she's just brilliant and all that whatever she she didn't do almost anything without language that we do with our language so another part of the autism thing to me and I empathize with it because I have a nice but I don't empathize at the same time because there's nothing wrong with her she's a freakin genius and again it just shows you don't need thought so many there is action without thought and this relates to J Krishnamurti who I may have mentioned but I've read a lot of his stuff and he talks about action without thought and to me autistic children are showing you don't need thought in terms of words for action so many times we think we need to be thinking okay I gotta type on my computer in order for us to go and type on our computer that is not true but the trouble is that we're always yammering on that we think that the yammering actually relates to what we're doing and then it's different if it's something like driving where we can drive Yammer on in our heads and then not actually know how we got home and we think that's cool for some reason but there is also state where one can be driving paying attention to what's going on because it's actually quite beautiful and interesting out there and not be thinking anything and there's no thought required to drive whether you're thinking about something else and driving through habit or actually driving being embodied and driving your car which is equivalent to practicing the power of now which Eckart Tolle talks about he talks about when you're washing your hands pay attention to the sensation be aware and present and not thinking about something else when you're washing your hands and that's again just shutting down the me the prefrontal cortex that's practicing shutting that down and in that way I feel like we could be in more flow in daily life just by using the brain less in terms of this linear yammering thinking and the benefit is shutting that off they say well it uses less of the brain and that's the thing he talked about oh it's so interesting that we use yet less of our brain yet where we have more capacity we're more creative when we're in that state of flow we're not really thinking or just in the moment and where if we're thinking it's regarding to our creativity well that's the thing when we shut off this inner critic and everything it allows I feel more energy to be channeled through so I don't think of the brain necessarily as you know the more patterns going on the more it's doing this is just noise this is just actually interference so the brain is a big channel and is trying to channel energy which is the equivalent of flow and the brain is going strong while it's all getting scattered and all this creative energy is just getting you know you might have a creative energetic thing come through a little bit but then it's like well yesterday this and tomorrow that and blah blah blah and it's just going on and on and on and it's actually blocking the Clear Channel so I don't necessarily think what I don't really agree with what they're saying and maybe they're saying the same thing when they're saying that the brain is doing less and you can do more this yammering on is just habit it's just words it's just actually interfering with the clear flow of the channel that we are that would come through if we weren't thinking again how they say we think 60,000 thoughts a day mostly the same as yesterday if we weren't doing that then something new would be coming through we just assume we have to be doing that but it's just a habit and then like Jamie wheeler said her wheel said if he said I don't always said I lost my thought there so there's something there's something definitely to do with the autism thing and again the evolutionary movement to shut down the prefrontal cortex and it seems that if we don't stop giving it to our children and forcing it then children will be born where we just can't even program them to the same extent and one day they'll be a lot of them that are adults and they're going to have something to say they might not have the same vocabulary but they have a very rich experience and subjectivity and they perceive the world in a different way they see it with different eyes because they don't see it through all these words that we see it through and they're going to be telling us something different they might even revolt against us because they've already revolted against words and what are we were just a bunch of words we think we're a bunch of words because we think so part of the embodied mania thing is transforming mental health challenges into human potential so the human potential movement is also interesting and I feel that it can mental health crisis can be used as a transformative force it is a transformative force and it's not being it's not being supported to be a transformative force it's it's ending up in places it's not supposed to go you know it could be a different world if people are seen as visionaries with with potential who see possibilities who can be invited to share some of those in a way where they're sharing and then perhaps compensated in some way for the value that they're delivering so I really feel like it can move towards human potential and another term i came across recently well i think i already mentioned it is morphogenetic and i don't think that's the word that Steven and Jamie talked about but I wanted to in the spirit of real anguishing because a lot of this revision is actually real anguishing especially since most people see the world through the language they use and in a way the visions need to be translated into language and I'm not talking visions like oh whatever just what we see what we feel what we experience right now the language is one of pathology and it would be interesting to create more context and more language used to describe these things so then people can see and experience them differently and maybe choose a different paradigm and it doesn't have to be an exclusion to mental illness or diagnosis but there's big importance in making meaning out of the experience whether it's an illness or not especially because it's an illness may be so the term morphogenetic I think it could be more fo mimetic I'm genetic sounds like jeans I don't know if that's supposed to be genetic as in like generate i'm not sure where that term comes from well I know Rupert Sheldrake was the one to coin it and I do like the idea of the morphogenetic field but I feel it could also be somewhat a morpho-memetic field if there's all these memes and the memes are competing for brains base in all these different brains and human beings there is a more from mimetic field and it seems that there's a certain number of memes that are infecting our brains that I think are very detrimental so I'd like to invite conversation to change and contribute to the morpho-memetic field and I think that mania is an attempt to change the morph-o-matic filled with the spontaneous social behaviors and it's interesting because in mania when I experience spontaneous social behaviors a lot of people respond in kind consciously or subconsciously so it does create that little mark on their brains and their experience in their own holographic structure it re patterns that I feel like mania is the energy of a pattern that reap a turns reality through these spontaneous social behaviors and you know it keeps popping up in different places and people often act very similar in those energetic state so that says something that there's got to be some kind of reason our force or purpose around it and also maybe one day with all these people popping up and then people responding in kind to a certain level not the same energy eventually one day people will respond more and more and that will get passed on and passed on and it will change the fabric of reality until one day people have pop-up into mania are probably just normal that's just how most people are most the time happy playful going back to being childlike you think of being childlike and then you think of the biblical references be as a child or something I don't know I don't know much about the Bible though when I'm in those altered states I feel I know a lot about that stuff you so again with mania and the energy coming up through the person it's like a person gets charged like a capacitor and then they're going around and discharging little bits as they interact with different people and that energy gets spread out and dissipated over time so it's like being a capacitor actually now that I think about it if a person practices some of those manic traits that they experience in those high energy states and then they practice them in daily life when that energy comes again the capacitor will stay charged longer because it'll actually be embedded in the neurobiology of the person and maybe they'll get dissipated less and then a person will be less affected by this dissipating charge and go down slower or go down less it won't be such an extreme and such a fast dissipation of the energy so I feel that that could build up capacitance and so that's another important thing and not only that that makes sense too if a person is embodying their mania and daily life and the energy comes it won't really be such a big difference because they'll already be working towards being like that state that brain state as brain traits so it won't be that different so it won't be such like an up and down and also the energy might be able to stay or if the energy doesn't come again like that to an extreme as the person practices and practices and practices it gives the chance for the energy to come in and sort of fill that practice space so a person is able to go to a higher energy level in daily life by practicing even though maybe that energy never comes back to a certain extreme though it may but then again it just won't feel like such an extreme because it was practice so it could even be that mania or those states of consciousness are inviting us to pull up because hey this energy is coming so we better be able to embody it or it's going to make us nuts because if it is too much of a change it is like whoa I was this and now I'm in the depths of despair and that's really difficult to go from one extreme to the other because then the other extreme feels that much worse because we were just at the high extreme so not only does it feel like this is the worst thing ever it feels like what just happened to how great it was just a few days ago so it's uh there's a lot to that it's really interesting and that's why I feel like embodying mania or you could think finding your flow if you want to take those other terms maybe it's as simple as finding how one flows instead of thinking well I got to practice these traits just instead of thinking in terms of traits think in terms of the flow or the activities so say I get into flow when I'm reading and writing and thinking or watching YouTube videos do that more and then I'm in that I'm probably going to be practicing those traits and part of me making these videos for myself is like practicing the traits because part of me wants to be able to have a conversation about this stuff instead of waiting till I find somebody to have a conversation but just having a conversation with myself and what I'm finding and I guess it's true when I write sometimes too so if I have a thought or an idea and I put it down and writing then something else comes to me and I write it down and then build on that it's not like I had the entire thing before i started and i'm finding the same thing with making these videos for myself some of the stuff i started talking about it I think of another thought idea it comes to me and I'm not saying that these are they like true or anything but there are ways to think of it differently or see it differently in a way it's not really ways to think about it differently because I don't know it's not really something you think about the things i'm talking about that you kind of see it or you don't see it if you don't see it doesn't matter and if you've never been in these extreme states if you're a steady state person you're mine you probably won't see it but maybe well i shouldn't necessarily i shouldn't say shouldn't either hella Fords are getting the best of me right now so so I feel like perhaps maybe I feel like one day maybe when a person is able to practice embodying mania to a certain extent and kind of be in that zone that it'll be a self-fulfilling state where one is just in sort of a flow state that's not as Extreme as the high ecstasy of mania for the most part but it's like very much grounded and and in the state of love and joy and all those grounded balanced states of being you know I guess maybe some of it is just creating a balanced state between being active and having those spontaneous social behaviors and maybe part of it is just to pass along some of those spontaneous social behaviors and doesn't require that everybody go into mania and that's one of my things too is by practicing the traits maybe they'll be mirrored by other people so manic traits could be passed on to other people through gestures so we think of so much of sharing information of like thinking and idea thinking and words and thoughts but information is also action and gesture and I was doing some research on on that and how something like a kind act if somebody sees it they'll be way more likely to be kind to someone else in the next like two hours I don't know two to four hours or something so that's what i mean by gesture so manic traits say it was super generous and kind and friendly well maybe I can't be like that to the same extreme every moment of every day but I could be that two percent more and then from that two percent more build on to two percent more and two percent more until maybe I'm like fifty percent like that and being fifty percent more like that in daily reality passes on in gestures and in things people see throughout the day that changed their behavior that isn't about hey you need to change this and I guess that's part of that's part of the self-help is like you should do this and you should do that and you should change this which is a bunch of words dalian what to do well you got to put in your prefrontal cortex and practice and blah de blah so I think that's a great thing about the mania is that a person it's not words it's like I was this embodied for a short period of time in mania now how can I practice that in movement in action and gesture in the things that I say on a daily basis to again operate at that eleven that Jamie wheel said operate 11 and see what's present versus using the level of thought the self-help so the daily action again goes with embodying ones mania so harvesting the mania and the traits to embody and daily life and say being fifty percent manic but not in the state not unbalanced but manic in terms of the traits and the way one was and that's usually what feels the best anyway is how nice it was to be the way that we were in that state it feels great in the state but if we can be that way that we were we're probably going to feel pretty darn good on a daily basis so moving towards that and then yeah I'm seeing that changing through just daily action and I did research like random acts of kindness and things and people in mania are very randomly kind and these are the spontaneous social behaviors that Buckminster fuller I feel was talking about and the things that need to be solved beyond the level of thought and thought is the level that created problems seeing beyond problems and seeing that life's not all about problems when we're in mania life's not about problems it's about being playful being loving being caring and I'm generalizing here yes some people in those states get rather angry and in my feeling it's often times due to injustice and not necessarily personal injustice but things that are just not okay and I think I've talked about that a bit before so that's also why I'm making videos I just wanted to translate some of what I would have thought and explored or pondered into video and like I said we're sort of visionaries we can sort of see things we can see feelings we can see patterns and you can see like images or we can see how certain things extrapolate back into the past and maybe where it came from and was created and we can see extrapolations into the future so in that way we can kind of foresee the future doesn't mean that's the way it's going to happen but we can kind of see the pattern beyond the actual thing that's happening now and and extrapolate it and associate it and you can see ah like it can be scary sometimes so it's not really it's not really it's not really like anything to unbelievable that people can consents these things it's it's pattern recognition and I feel well they talked about in the flow state how we can recognize patterns more and that's part of being in flow it again goes with mania and altered states of consciousness we can recognize patterns and in that way we see patterns we see visions we see images and then we sense what that means and then that whole meaning gets translated from that image and from that feeling and from the impression into sound into words and the words that come from that that come from the pattern recognition they have a different intensity they have a different weight then the recombined associations from one's personal memory banks which are just mainly conditioning they don't have a very large value so there's a difference between thought that's going on the prefrontal cortex and repetitive and the thought that comes from insight which is the seeing of the pattern of the whole of whatever it is that one is seeing and that's part of the flow state too and that's how a person can have sort of like real intuition and felt senses of things it's just sort of the brain calculating beyond the linear thought pattern which is just very linear logical reason we think that that is where it's at but it's really where it was it's old it's not seeing anything new and and that's why people can really read body language and really read into things when they have altered states of consciousness is because they can read the patterns of the body and the facial expression and everything and ones energy and that's why a lot of people that are in these mental health crises don't respond well to so many of the people that are employed to help because those helpers many of them aren't there for the right reasons many of them are and then there's lots that are there with good intentions in their heart but their energy is not in the right place or the way they're approaching people or receiving people that need help people really need to be listened to but there's not really time for that so that's why diagnosis is a convenient way to not listen to people it's like writing them off so yeah meaning it could be some kind of high performance and it's like stepping into the high-performance vehicle version of yourself like yesterday I was the Toyota Corolla and now i am a I don't know trying to think of a high-performance car
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I thought of an insight related to buckminster fuller's idea of synergy indirectly at least and if it's about the quote that I mentioned about how something about how we need some spontaneous social behaviors in order to save the planet and I think mania is one of those spontaneous social behaviors or it's an energy that produces spontaneous social behavior and it does it in a way that's not contrived it's sort of a moment to moment thing and a person is walking around attempting to basically get people to play with them in a way and this play could be a spontaneous social behavior that we need but what happens is after a certain period of time that energy fizzles out either because it's too powerful or because a person runs into too many buzz kills and at first we're able to ignore the buzz kills and sort of just keep going or insert our positive projections of their experience of the other person's interpretation of it to sort of uplift it to the next level meaning if I'm in mania I might do something and somebody responds in a way that could be good and could be bad but since I'm in such a positive state I interpret their response in the positive way and that keeps me going even though inside their head they might have been kind of wondering what the heck that was all about and even that can be seen as a positive thing creating some cognitive dissonance or a pattern interrupt in people's daily monotonous life and I was thinking too that in mania a person is generally at least at some point very social and even if the person's not typically programmed to be very social they end up very social in mania and the socialness is trying to create more socialness or connections or bonding oxytocin experiences and then what happens is after that certain period of time where it fizzles out because it's not participated with a person really has to be participated with and uplifted I don't think they have to but it's trying to maybe create little sparks in all the people interacting with the manic person and then eventually those sparks are the dissipation of the energy it gets diffused out to the populace maybe that's what happens it's like all the energy is contained in that one person and they go around spreading and spreading and spreading it until they've drained their battery and then what happens is a person that's been relating in mania in all those mostly positive ways released for a good period of time ends up draining months battery and then going into mania or psycho I mean sorry psychosis or depression and then a person might have a team of say one between one and twenty people supporting them through the depression it's like well when I was in mania why didn't have 20 people around me uplifting me in and playing with me and having fun with me all the time like a solid good constant team and then it happens instead in the bad states the crisis the fallout the depression the the psychosis and then we have this big team of professionals and family and friends if they stay around to help us out why are there people helping us out when we're up here maybe they are and maybe people that we meet randomly as strangers are helping us out and it's almost like that energy is better dissipated in the strangers but then as soon as we go back to our family they have disbelief about how wonderful the world is it's not even disbelief it can be seen as disbelief about how wonderful the individual person is and the family doesn't see it that way because the family knows the person as a certain person and they're projecting their own crap on to this empty space of energy and sharing and that is a buzzkill for sure if a person was able to just go off and never come back maybe they would stay in that high energy state but it's almost like the the habit which is the family the habitat and the habits of the person are like a funnel that is eventually going to swallow the person up in terms of the family being well why aren't you doing what you normally do why aren't you have you usually are so in order to be that way or in order to sort of return to the normal state a person has to go through psychosis and depression and all these sort of disease states that make it so the family can capture the person in a way and keep them how they were or worse off and it's almost because people don't know how to uplift people in general they don't if somebody's doing well a lot of times we feel jealous just a daily normal life without all this extra extraordinary and extreme state stuff going on so I feel in talking about this that the manic energy isn't necessarily wasted it's just dissipated and imagine if a person in mania was able to collect miraculously a team of several people that would really saw what the person saw and was uplifting what the person was saying they might be able to stay in that state because they'd have a mirror to bounce these insights off of and stay there and I can just think for example maybe in the case of celebrities somebody's this isn't mania but they're thinking wow I'm so great i'm so talented I'm so amazing and look at me play my music or do my acting or something and somebody comes along and they're like yeah you are I want to help you by doing your bookkeeping or yeah you are I want to help you by doing your marketing and this isn't necessarily people saying it could be a company saying yeah you are talented we want to you know work with you or take most of the money that you earn so then we'll do all the other stuff and you just be the musician it there's like there's stuff in place for that there's record labels for musicians which is somewhat going changing obviously with the technology and stuff but it's almost like a person needs a record label for mania because they can't do a lot of different things but what they can do is pretty amazing
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I want to talk a little bit more about what I was talking about yesterday which had to do with talking openly about experiences that we've had in our different altered states of consciousness and in my case my altered states of consciousness resulted in a mental health diagnosis of bipolar one with psychotic features and the conversations that I'm talking about are not necessarily about disputing a diagnosis or trying to get rid of it or explain it away but rather to expand the conversation and expand the language and the vocabulary that we use to describe some of our inner subjective experiences relating to the diagnosis or you know the whole process before diagnosis in my case I was in an altered state for two months before I was hospitalized and then given a diagnosis and during those two months I would have never guessed that at the end of it all it was going to be explained in terms of a mental health diagnosis it felt like some sort of spiritual journey and spiritual experience a lot of it was really scary and a lot of it was really blissful but I never thought that I was mentally ill I was told that so if i could imagine that if I could imagine going back to how I felt about the situation on a daily basis as I was experiencing it before I was given a mental health diagnosis I could probably share a lot of different things if I if I could pretend that I was never given the diagnosis and then you know I just got through that crisis without and got back to some sort of normal functioning without being given a diagnosis and without being given medication I know that didn't happen what I'm saying is I would have a very large amount of things to share and talk about and different wonderings and curiosities and and I would be sort of in awe of the experience and I would think it was kind of mysterious and wonderful and magical even though there was a lot of really scary stuff to I'm not trying to glorify these states as something that I would want to exist in all the time I'm just saying that in retrospect if I was to talk about it without having a diagnosis I would share something a lot different than after I was diagnosed and after I was diagnosed I was told how to interpret everything that went on and just explain it away in terms of a mental illness and and basically that gave me the impression and it wasn't an impression was pretty obvious which was don't talk about what happened there's no point in talking about what happened and what you experience because it was just a mental illness and I think that is a mistake I feel that there's a lot of really interesting conversation that can come out of the experiences and that maybe it's conversation that we need to start having and again that doesn't mean that i say i completely disagree with my diagnosis I'm just saying that's a very small amount of the overall story that's part of the story but it's not the entire story and I think that you know it's troublesome to assume that just because I have that diagnosis that that's the end of the story in terms of everything that I experienced you know that would be like saying to someone who has cancer to just say I have cancer and not share any of the story your struggles or or anything about it just say I've cancer so if I'm supposed to just say well I have bipolar disorder and not say anything that I went through and I have shared stuff before but a lot of its in terms of like my recovery journey so it's like well these are the symptoms i had and this is how I've gone about my recovery journey and that um you know that's usually for like a hopeful story for people to get better but you know that's like the diagnosis assumes there's going to be some kind of recovery story and so a recovery story implies a diagnosis and a diagnosis implies they'll be some kind of recovery story well what about all the other stories yes there is a story of recovery but there's also stories from the experiences and what that meant and what it means you know so much of life has become quite meaningless and for me the states of mania and psychosis are very meaningful and i'm not meaning meaningful in terms of the meaning that i would like to just put onto it you know so often when we have an experience we think it means a certain thing to us which is usually projected from her past so in my experiences in altered states in mania and psychosis there's a lot of different meanings that I see that I wouldn't necessarily choose so for example if I have a delusion of some sort and what's called a delusion I might conclude that that means i have to die now that's the meaning it's not meaning that i want or would i choose but there's a lot of that type of meaning from you know i'm the worst in the world to I'm you know right up there with God so the feelings and the meanings are very diverse and very rich and I don't feel like talking about those meanings is the purpose would be to be like I want to cling to the good meanings and get rid of the bad because that would just be choosing based on our own personal preferences which are conditioned and you know that's like using the ego to sort of choose but I feel like the overall flavor can be extracted and I've talked about before how sometimes there are messages and there are special messages and there's a lot of thinking that special messages are bad and I talked about before how yes if I was to get a special message every second of every day that would be not good it would be a little overwhelming we we aren't really designed to handle that amount of a meaning that is seem special and meaningful personally and I feel like reality in the world actually needs these special messages it needs some people to feel like they're getting special messages from somewhere that are particularly designed for them it's almost like saying here's your meaning in life we're all looking for it and we assume that we have to work hard to look for it and then sometimes people go into a manic state and it's sort of given to them on a silver platter and the trouble is that it's a very high energy state and if a person is in a high energy state for a long period of time and then they come out of it it makes sense that it's going to take a little bit of time to re equilibrate to consensus reality so psychosis and depression are kind of like a hangover from being in a different dimension of this reality that it takes some time to to recover and so yeah the conversation isn't about negating the mental illness paradigm it's just about expanding on it and having more options of the language that we can choose to use at least with each other to expand our vocabulary on how we talk about the experience and and just doing that could be a bit validating and again it's not to be thinking that we want to go back into those states I actually feel like by talking about it more by talking about it more we're less likely to go back into those states because it's made into conversation of the whole so it's not like something other that would be felt as oh I'm going into something other than reality and if nothing less it would be slightly entertaining to share some of our stories of what we experienced and felt and thought when we were in those states I think together we'd probably create some really good movie scripts and you know there's how much of that is actually still hidden within people who have never spoken about their experiences and there's a lot of good stuff in there so I feel like I can have both a brain disease and lots of good stories lots of good stories that came out of that brain disease if that's what it is you know and it feels like it's a brain disease it's a disease of meaning there's so much meaning in there and a lot of it is not coherent it's not congruent it's ascribing meaning to things where there is no real meaning but it's like everything that we see when we're in that state of consciousness feels like there's some kind of meaning so the brain is making up the meaning and maybe some of that meaning can be brought into daily life that's what I'm interested in the most there is a quote in a book and the book is called I can't remember but the quote says something about I don't care about your spiritual experience I care about what you do with it afterwards and that really resonates with me because spiritual experiences are transient they don't happen all the time but what can be taken out of that experience if that spiritual experience didn't transform how a person is going to be in their daily life moving forward then it didn't really have any value and if it's just going to be held on to and wished for again you know there's there's drugs for that you know it's not really any different than just taking a drug which you know has maybe some value and like ceremony but not really something to be repeated it's like a learning it's like a journey thing and romanian psychosis to me feel like a journey inward so i think i think a person can both have a brain disease diagnosis and be a visionary and a visionary just a person who has visions and sees things differently you know and there's a lot of in congruence in the state of mania and psychosis between the inner and the outer and that's one of the reasons why behavior doesn't really match up if i'm experiencing something inwardly that isn't happening outwardly and I'm behaving based on the inward part and somebody sees me and it doesn't match up they will wonder and what I'm thinking is that you know there's a certain level of having a vision or seeing things in reality in daily reality that aren't congruent with how things may be should be in the world like say people killing each other and stuff and normally we can walk by that and not walk by but sort of get by knowing that that's happening and then in those other states a person becomes so sensitive that it's like why I can't stand that so it's almost like not being okay with that stuff happening so that's part of to me I feel like that's one of the things that start some of the in congruence is that our inner becomes incongruent with the outer in what is really happening in the world for real that we don't necessarily witness on a daily basis would get discontented by really and you know maybe a person retreats inside to some kind of utopia or this idea that we can actually do something about it you know in mania we feel like hey there's something I can do about the world I can help the world I can change the world well maybe we need people that actually think that way and even though it gets out of hand in mania perhaps it only gets out of hand because there's only a few people in mania doing that whereas if people consciously decided to be like that collectively there wouldn't be any manic weirdos out there there there would be if people were in mania they would probably be providing a lot of insight and ideas and visions for the people that actually wanted to take action so to me a person in mania is almost like a leader in a way but one gets lost in one's own inner vision an inner manifestation and and we don't know how to make it manifest outwardly and that's why we need to start talking to each other because you know all these visions are sort of within us and among us but we're not sharing them and then if we're not we're not able to take some sort of collective action towards that because our visions are pretty big and it's hard to do that by oneself and we get super passionate about certain issues and it makes reality difficult because people don't match our passion they can't see what we see and they can't feel what we feel and and so we get really disheartened and then we end up needing to take medications to suppress the passion that we feel and I feel like maybe one day we won't need to because that passion and energy will be valued in a way that it's actually utilized in a moment to moment basis and it's not sort of wasted and it may be if we're able to refine some of our vision will have a sense of where to channel our energy in her efforts so it's not met with opposition and what I mean by that is if I was in a super high mania and I'm just wandering around the streets I would just go from one thing to the next using all my energy and passion that I had in the moment and you know what I would probably meet up with quite a bit of opposition because I'd be trying to help and maybe somebody doesn't want help for example but if the vision was there and there was some sort of there was it was more refined it wasn't just me out in and in society with infinite possibilities of things that I could bump into and I could bump into trouble if there was a vision I would be more activated in the vision versus just being out randomly that is sort of how it happens at first if a person goes into mania they're pretty much doing random stuff so if we each had our sort of piece of the vision we if we went into that state we would be able to channel it and keep ourselves out of trouble more I don't know if that's true but could be could be helpful not only do we need more options for recovering from a mental health crisis and mental health diagnosis I feel we also need more options in the language we choose to talk about it about and perhaps if we talk about it with each other enough even when we go into the hospital we will be able to relate what's going on for us in a more coherent way that a person who is working in the system what almost understand what we're saying instead of just looking for mental health symptoms if we had sort of a collective conversation we would be speaking in a way that they would it would almost be like huh that actually kind of makes sense you know the way you just explain it kind of makes sense and you know I feel like one day we'll be able to not convince but we'll be able to go in there and be like this is what's happening for me i know this is what's happening and you know keep me safe for some days and i'll be okay not tell me what's wrong with me and give me a label and a diagnosis and then treat me I feel like one day we'll have the language well we'll have had enough conversation about it that we will feel strongly within ourselves we'll have more of a conviction about what's happening for us and I don't even know what all that language is and there's a lot of different language out there and it would be great to include all of it because whatever is helpful for each person you know if you could think of the best way you can explain it or the moat if you think of a most coherent way to explain it you could think about the most magical way to explain it you could think about the most mysterious way to explain it and you could think about the most logical way to explain it there are a lot of different ways you know you could explain it in terms of the social context you could explain it in terms of biochemistry in terms of ortho molecular psychiatry there are a lot of different aspects to it and you know the more that we can talk about it in so many different ways in different dimensions will start to see other solutions for the distress that accompanies it because even though I'm talking here about having conversation about it and also a little bit about well let's get our visions and our ideas together we still have to keep ourselves safe we still have to go to the hospital if we need to we still have to take a medication if things are getting too scary or daily medication if you take daily medication I do and I hope one day I don't have to but I'm not in a rush to to prove anything um I don't think you know I whether it's something besides a brain disease that's probably a long way off in terms of people actually seeing it a different way and I feel like first by talking about in many ways and seeing it in many ways that will produce a huge conversational context through which a person can sort of choose how they want to frame it the most helpful way and but at the same time even if I choose one-day to say I'm not mentally ill and just a visionary you know 10 years down the road say that happens and then all of a sudden I start losing it and feel like I could I'm gonna die or something I might take some drugs you know like I might take some kind of medication and because it's important to stay alive because even if it is a visionary thing being in that state can be dangerous because the visions don't always line up with reality and thoughts and the insights because the thing is it's it's a non temporal state it's there's no time in that state there's no and what I mean by that is an insight could come thats related to something two thousand years ago and I could have the sense of that or it might come in it is from you know 2,000 years in the future and maybe things two thousand years in the future are different and if I act based on that insight whatever it is thinking that it's now then I could get myself hurt whereas if i take that insight and just make note of it write it down talk about it without acting on it then when i'm in an ordinary state i can kind of the pieces of the puzzle together and see if there was anything there you know you can think of it as mining you know it's like an interstate of you never know what's going to come up and what's going to come through a person that was one of my mistakes when I was in mania and psychosis the first time and I don't think it's a mistake I could have avoided but it feels like you know everything each moment is so powerful it feels like it needs to happen now so if I felt like I'm going to help the world I'm gonna save the world it has to happen right now and you know if I could take that thought or that feeling and just put it aside and be like yeah I want to connect with some kind of purpose or mission in my life obviously that's something that I want but it doesn't mean I have to do it all now that's impossible that's why I feel like that state you know overall with all the meaning and feeling and passion and energy and compassion and love and scary stuff in that state not two month period the first time was like it's like a seed it's like all this energy and it like infuses my entire being and all of that energy and all of that experience and all of that feeling and meaning inform the being that I am for the rest of my life in subtle ways or in in bigger ways and is true because all of that cumulatively glad to being diagnosed with a mental illness and going to the psych ward and now here I am wanting to make different kind of meaning out of it so there was all that experience that had a different kind of meaning and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness and they told me what meaning it had and I'm here five years later saying I think it had other meaning and I don't know exactly all the meaning but I it would be cool to talk about it because I didn't really talk about it when I was in the state i was just in it and you know it's like it's like being infected with all that meaning and all that whatever it was you know it did in fact me it did change my brain you know it did cause a disease it cost a dis ease and you know I'm I don't know what to I don't know what to do about it except for I just want to talk about it and I just want to invite whatever language you have to explain it or talk about it not even explain it because you can't it's not something to be explained like there are explanations and they're all they're all really useful it's actually useful to have a bunch of different explanations whether it's you know pi role disorder you know it which is a certain biotype bipolar it's like a physiology thing and you know whether it's you need the gaps diet to help with your stomach digestion which changes the response of the brain you know there's a lot of different things even the book interpersonal neurobiology has a lot of insights into the brain and how that could happen so there's a lot of different things and i'm i'm also interested in the language is creating more language for it and just having more conversation and creating a bigger context of stories and and people's own personal explanations of what is happening and i really like what's his name Sean Blackwell's videos on bipolar or waking up he's like a 20 video series or something and it's really good and that's a great it's a great wave of looking at it and you know I could say I'm bipolar and waking up instead of or I don't need I don't think it needs to be an either/or thing and I don't think it's healthy to necessarily talk about in that way because if I was just to resist the the diagnosis that I have that I don't know how helpful that would be and I'm interested in actually having enough conversation that brings together the mental health system and and other ways of talking about it you know all that would really look like be four people that went to some kind of crisis center for help when they're in a mental health crisis you know for them to be asked so what do you feel is for you what's happening inside what meaning is happening what's happening internally and not in a way like I don't actually care what you have to say but imagine if it was to the point where a person was asked that and it was genuine in that the person asking the question actually did want to know what the person experiencing the crisis want had to say and would actually value it and would actually be interested in it and would actually take it into account and it would actually inform the next steps that the person experiencing the crisis would go through it wouldn't be just some kind of patronizing thing and and the person asking the question would also have all this lift different language and vocabulary like a huge vocabulary to really understand what the person was saying and you know even if the person that was saying it didn't really know what they were saying exactly they would still be understood because this other person would just really know what kind of language would come out of these experiences and that doesn't mean they would never use any medication ever it just means that you know maybe for some people they would not have to but so I feel like it's important to include the system because you know the system is full of people who do want help and do care other people too so it's just a matter of meeting people with people and so to me it's a matter of we're all in this together I just realized this whole video I looked naked but I'm not and when I think about meaning and what it means you know if we were to think about like what's the meaning of life and everybody's wondering it's probably the same for everybody not in terms of what people think the meaning of life is and sense it but what it actually is whatever that is it's probably very much the same for every single person so what I'm saying is that you know people go into this state of mania and psychosis and they're trying to figure out some kind of meaning and every moment has different meaning and super meaningful and maybe none of it's really right per se but it's still like an attempt for the psyche to find some kind of meaning somewhere and you know it's trying to find it and it finds way too much of it so if we do imagine that there is just sort of one meaning to life whatever that may be it's a shared thing then like it's shared for all of us whatever that true meaning is so it's shared by the world that's shared by the entire world and in my feeling a person in mania experiences a good portion or some portion of it feeling very altruistic very much concerned with the world and in that way to me those states usually have the ego subside and then as ego subsides there's more of this sort of shared concern about the world and it's like felt so strongly that it feels like i am the world like i am all this meaning i am you know i am every meaning that i see i'm not separate from it and then as the ego subsides I really feel that the states are actually a movement towards world centricity and I came across that term in Ken Wilbur's book the spectrum of consciousness and he talks about just that world centricity where a person their orientation is more towards concerns for the world than just their own individual self and I think that's part of the thing is that there's not really that much meaning in you know one's own personal little life for one's own personal little gain you know we try we do that and some people get to the peak of that and then oftentimes they're unfulfilled and and I feel like mania is like an attempt of evolution in a way to bring about more worldcentric beings you know like if some people might be taking the psych ward and they're thinking oh my gosh the trees I can't sleep they're being cut down and and then we think that that's illness but imagine if everybody took something that seriously and really acted and took it upon themselves to have one's life but then really take an active role in something that is very obviously in need of change and I'm not saying that's the way to go I just feel that a person that goes into those states and they're feeling like I gotta save the world well it's pretty hard to do that by oneself so it would be good if we could get together and talk about world-changing ideas that we've probably already had we probably already had a million of them and they're just sitting there on the shelf or in your computer and I have a lot of ideas but it would be cool to talk about them with other people because I can't really do anything by myself and I don't know if I want to there's a lot out there about people becoming their own individual entrepreneurs and then having their business and their clients well if there's a person with a business and they need clients somebody who's got to be the client and somebody's got to be the expert that's sort of innately what's wrong with the world is that there's experts and then there's clients and we're not just getting together and actually trying to just solve some issues I think maybe it might be up to us to do that because everyone else is sort of you know normal people they have their normal life and they're not really gonna change that much where is a lot of us we don't have much to lose and you know we've already lost our minds so and we might have some good ideas and maybe we're kind of attached to them like my ideas and I don't want to share and but you know I think they came to us in those states as a gift that we're supposed to give the world and if we can't do it individually because it's you know not each one of us can become some little expert entrepreneur maybe we could form some kind of coalition or group that there's like a thousand of us with all these great ideas and we just since there's so many of us working on whatever it is you know you don't really have to do to too much but you can give the gift that you have to give you know maybe when you give that gift maybe if you have a specific thing that you're like this is what it was I wanted to give and give it to the group maybe you can move on to the next thing instead of being like well how am I ever gonna make this work and bring this about just you know give it away just give it to the group probably so many people have the same kind of idea because it's an idea that doesn't come from our individual brains it comes out of sort of our meaning and our perception of meaning and a lot of us probably saw a lot of the same meanings and a lot of the same ideas or we saw a lot of the same issues that need to be resolved and perhaps always that might help result them maybe they won't maybe it's all just crazy delusional stuff and it could be but I want to know if it is and maybe just by talking about with each other will it'll give us something to do it'll give us you know some project to work on and and it could be good
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I believe I read in the book interpersonal neurobiology that we have an inner sense of interoception and I think in the book it was talking about how we can sort of feel our internal organs and stuff if we if we really tune into sensing that but there's I believe he also talked about just an inner sense in terms of sensing our thoughts and our feelings and our emotions and if you think about the sense organs like the ears or the eyes those structures can actually be diseased like you can get an eye disease or an ear disease of some sort and it'll affect your sense of hearing and so with the interoception or the inner sense perhaps that can get a dis ease as well and it changes the way we sense our inner experiences actually feel that we have a certain aperture of the amount of information that we're aware of inwardly and I think that's controlled by the reticular activating system so perhaps it's the reticular activating system that gets messed up and allows way too much information to come through at the same time or for us to be aware of at the same time the subconscious mind processes you know millions of bits of information each second and I believe the reticular activating system allows us to process like 12 bits per second so it's very minute so if you can imagine that something causes that to allow way too much information through and I actually did read somewhere that if we're stressed that more bits of information are coming through so there's something to do with stress and having this happen as well so it could be that with too much stress for too long then we're having too much information and eventually you know we try to make meaning out of that information and we start to make errors in the meaning that we're trying to make and just as I say that I'm wondering because we go about our daily life and we have a certain meaning that we have in daily life and everybody is around a very similar level of meaning of just feeling I'm trying to be happy looking for happiness striving and so if mania and psychosis is almost an error in the meaning making system or the amount of information that processing and making meaning out of or noticing and all of a sudden we notice more things synchronistically because we're noticing more information to make those associations and then we start thinking wow life's magical I'm wondering if that's like a necessary evil of the brain and of the world because otherwise would we ever really adjust our level of meaning making that we make were you know even how a lot of people become really altruistic or concerned about certain causes if that person say for example was able to make a huge change in the way everybody saw a certain issue it could be an issue that we already know about but basically that would change the meaning a person seeing that maybe can change the meaning and if they're able to change the meaning and people see that whole issue differently then that changes the collective conscious and a change is sort of the level of consciousness of society because more people are consciously aware of that issue so because a person just pretend had an error in their meaning-making system and they all sudden solve all this meaning somewhere and decided to act and change the meaning for the whole or at least for part that changes the collective consciousness and if that never happened to the person they never saw that and they never saw that as meaningful then they wouldn't have gone about working to change that issue and if that never happened they never did that that never changed it just goes along in the same monotonous way for that person and it continues the stream of monotony as a whole so in a way mania and psychosis are actually very important to make different ripples to make different waves to cause a ripple effect and the ripple effect it often causes is those person mentally ill and now we have to take care of them but imagine we actually were able to help people harvest their visions that they're having and harvest their passions and you know harvest some of the energy that they are having and instead of it just arising through an individual and then feeling all passionate and wanting to change certain things and help certain things and then it it's like a dying seedling it doesn't point make it and if there's one little seedling nobody's really going to water it and pay attention to it but often if there's a thousand seedlings somebody's going to come along and say hey I'm better cultivate this little garden that's happening here and and nourish it and I feel like if the person was able to harvest some of that even if they did die back into their regular self or even you know worse in a way because there is a certain grief and hangover after experiencing that magnificence to go back to normal feels even worse than normal because of the contrast I feel though that a person at least personally maybe needs to harvest the things and try to remember and recall what they were passionate about because even though that energy is gone it doesn't mean that those ideas and visions and concerns aren't still kind of there and that might be the way actually to to recover in a way and it's almost like our little seeds are popping up in different places but there's not enough of us to really bring momentum I imagine if you were in mania and you were with somebody else in mania you would probably get into a lot more trouble than if you're just by yourself because you would really seed each other's passions and ideas and I feel like if we can have conversations with each other even if we're not in those hyper-energetic States and it's probably better to not if we're in a hyper energetic state unless it's you know one person's actually you know keeping the other person safe while having these conversations and they're not in that high energy or even if two people are they probably need a babysitter because so it's better to talk about it after the fact and actually take those energetic seeds that have lost their energy and and and create something with them in in daily existence because maybe that's the fun part it's wonderful to have that lovely energy but it's possible that some of us with visions can create a vision and it could be quite inspiring possibly and then people that aren't necessarily people that have gone into manic states and psychotic states they are on board to like wow I want to participate in that and even though as a vision that came out of say ten people's manias it actually is not exclusive to everyone because perhaps the vision is a gift for the whole world not just the people that go into those states individually or collectively and if we were able to do that it's possible that people that typically might be a little bit afraid of people that have mental health challenges might start to see people with mental mental health challenges as visionaries so perhaps they won't see them as mentally ill and perhaps some of this working towards it would heal some of the stuff that is seen as mental illness or you know if a person for example is thinking I'm not mentally oh I'm a visionary but yet is seemingly quite mentally ill in that heart of function on meds having side effects you know typical mental illness case working towards the vision together might help heal some of that in that the purpose another purpose but you know one of the reasons why the state happened maybe is to get some kind of seed of meaning or vision yet if it's not utilized the person who is the seed is just going to be like dormant in you know in a drawer of somebody's seed collection I really feel like having conversations and seeing what we can harvest out of it could go a long way to to change the whole issue of stigma I feel that stigma is there's a lot of self stigma and stigma goes with the story that were given about mental illness about mental health diagnosis and we spend a lot of time or there's a lot of time being spent fighting stigma and I feel like while that's very it's a good thing to do if we have conversation about you know a thousand different ways a thousand different words to describe this from mental illness to visionary to genius to profit to whatever and it doesn't mean that I think I'm a prophet maybe I had a prophetic thought doesn't necessarily make me a prophet but maybe there was something that seemed like prophecy in a way or vision or dream or there's so many different you know as there's so many different things along the spectrum of it and I feel like sometimes I could be just a person with a mental illness and other times I'm quite a visionary and other times I'm really quite idiotic sometimes I can't think and or really process I'm very slow sometimes I'm quicker now which one is the real me I don't really know what I'm saying is I'm all those things and but I'm not all those things at the same time some of them are mutually exclusive whereas other times I can be mentally ill and be a visionary it's actually quite disorienting to be a visionary or to have extreme states of consciousness come out of nowhere and it makes me at times quite non-functional makes me quite terrified when there's no real reason in reality in my general vicinity to be that terrified and that can be called illness and that can be called brain disease I've been to the psych ward five times and I often while I always learn a lot on there so even though I'm experiencing really terrible things I'm quite engaged and I'm always learning and I write a lot and there could be a lot of you know there could be a lot of illness within me or part of me feels like I process a lot of the collective unconscious for everybody so if a lot of people are able to ignore these inner elements and inner realities that we all share our collective past that the collective past has seeded this present moment and each one of us were seeded or born on this earth at a certain point and that implies the collective past so that sort of implicit within all of us and sometimes we can slip into knowledge of things that have happened in the past that we couldn't otherwise know and it seems to be to me holographically imprinted we can access almost anything and again it's like too much information it's disorienting imagine if you didn't just have your own personal thoughts but you had thoughts of a war 200 years ago etc etc it becomes draining it's it and it's almost it's it almost feels like I'm processing my own inner stuff there's a lot of it and it gets mixed in with some collective stuff as well and perhaps that's what makes me ill is that a lot of people most people can deal with a lot of their own stuff unless a person is like traumatized extra but if it's somehow if that aperture of awareness opens up too much beyond one's own personal consciousness it is difficult to it's difficult to deal with it's difficult to process in it it makes one need to rest and need to be protected from the outside because there's way too much inner information going on that it's difficult to just relate normally it's difficult to do anything um I don't know why I brought that up the trouble with that too is that when all that extra stuff is coming from beyond one's personal self it feels like it is one's personal self still so then it feels like oh that's my fault it was something bad that happened 100 years ago a physical my gosh that's my fault it could even be like elements from one's past life I've had senses of that too whether or not past lives are true I don't know if that can ever really be proven but we can have that experience subjectively and it's it's a common experience like a lot of people have that and a person wouldn't necessarily believe it if somebody else said they had that experience but that's the thing if you have never experienced mania or psychosis a lot of what I'm saying you would say wow that's not true I don't believe that but you know if you have a brain you're not immune to this and one day you might know you might know what I'm talking about and I really hope you don't because most of it is not fun I think what I was talking about was related to again not alienating the system but just expanding our own vocabulary first and then from there seeing how it goes and I did talk about in another video how making some of these monologue stories of our own inner visions or experiences or subjectivity and making them dialogues could keep us from going off into that visionary land and there's definitely something about possibilities in mania it feels like infinite possibilities and with that infinite possibilities comes infinite energy or what feels like infinite energy so infinite possibilities
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I've made a few videos today and I was thinking a little bit about the modality of video and kind of liking it because it's a way to have conversation and I'm having conversation at this point just with myself and it could be several months before I put this on anything where another person can listen to what I'm saying or I might never do it i'm not sure but even in playing back some of the videos to myself and listening to what i was saying and I don't plan on exactly what I'm going to say I have a general idea of something that I want to elaborate on but by listening to myself speak I realized that it's almost a way to have a conversation with myself so I had that conversation with the video camera and it was sort of it came out of nowhere in a way and then I listened to it after and it's almost like hearing the conversation for the first time and so I'm actually in a way benefiting from listening to my own video because I'm listening to how I decided to speak what it was that I wanted to elaborate on and some of the things that I say are our new in my mind where some of them I already thought of before so I like that aspect it's almost like having having that as priming for myself because sometimes I feel rather blanked about everything and in this way I can almost reinforce my views I guess it's kind of strange to have my self reinforcing my own views and over the years I've done some research on the topic and I've done quite a bit of writing and I find writing difficult because it's very linear it's it's got to be polished and I just said it's got to be and I don't even think that's a real sentence yet I can get away of saying it because it's a conversation and I like that conversational aspect and and really I just want to I just want to talk about looking at mental health differently and I have a diagnosis of bipolar one and I really feel that I can still utilize my diagnosis and at the same time talk about increased and ever-expanding ways to talk about experiences that I've had based on having this diagnosis and as a result of it so I feel like what I want to talk about is just expanding and elaborating on my diagnosis and my a subjective experience and there's usually not much of an opportunity to do that by so by making videos I have that opportunity and another thing I want to do perhaps is translate some of the things that I've written into video because again a lot of my writing isn't polished and then sort of separate ideas and I don't know if I really have anything to write that's polished that's like a perfect message of some kind my main messages you know who wants to think and feel and see mental health differently and talk about it differently and share about it differently it's not oh this is how you should think about it well this is how you should share its where's the sharing beyond just this is my recovery story this is how I recovered and these were my symptoms and this is what I'm doing now to feel better what about the inner subjective experience of it and really inviting conversation about it and making it as normal as talking about the dream you had last night and you know maybe it's a long dream maybe it went on for 30 days but it's still an experience and a lot of it is very harrowing tales and so just inviting conversation and talking about it and and again I feel I can say yes I have a brain disease if that's what you want to say I have you can't prove it by any test and I can't prove it by my experience that it's actually true but some authority figure is telling me that it's true so I'll say okay sure but I still have some great stories to tell and I still have more to share about it than just that one little snippet of explanation sure that's a great explanation but that doesn't mean that I don't have anything else to share about it and um I feel like talking about it more we'll invite a different way of looking at it and that doesn't mean that it's to the exclusion of that brain disease model there's a lot of there's a lot of people out there that want to have nothing to do with the brain disease model and maybe one day I'll be one of them I have been mostly helped by the system I have had some bad experiences with it too and I'm still within the system and I feel like perhaps one day I will be able to transcend the system but not by doing as much as i can to invite conversation about the transcendence of the system so if i make the leap out of the system it will happen hopefully organically and I'll still say thank you for all the help that you've given me system and it's unfortunate that so many people have so many bad experiences with the system and that's something that I hope will really change and maybe by really talking about our experiences and sharing what it's really like and sharing what it really means for us who go through it the system will be able to make changes to better provide care and if they don't well you know maybe we can work towards something together to help each other for those who can and and maybe helping each other is just having conversation about some of these ways of looking at it because perhaps we've never been invited to have a conversation there's a lot of campaigns about don't hide and speak up about your mental illness but it's all don't hide the story that we've given you don't or speak up about the story we've given you which is your mental illness what about speak up about the stories you have that you've never been invited to share that you're always too afraid to share that you basically were um silenced from ever assuming they had any relevance or meaning to your life you know a lot of people talk about how it's a spiritual experience and and then they just are never invited to talk about that but the system isn't equipped to talk about that but maybe we can talk about that with each other because a lot of also to a lot of people that do get themselves out of the system end up turning around and putting a lot of energy into being mad at the system and fighting the system and and you know bashing the system and that's not in my view that's not going to invite collaboration I feel the system is a bunch of human beings that are mostly caring people that given the right given something I don't know what will start to listen but they're less likely to listen to angry bashing and they're more likely to listen to heartfelt stories of experience and and people just opening up with what it's really like and sharing what helps and sharing what doesn't help you know they're people just like us and we can help them understand at least I feel that way and and we can help change it for people that will experience it in the future even if we weren't so lucky to escape it and not have to go through it you know people 20 years ago went through it way worse than I have in the last five years and hopefully people 20 years from now we'll go through it way easier than I did in last five years and and it's possible anything's possible such as conversation the system is not perfect it has some great things not and it has some not-so-great things and I think the biggest detriment the biggest detrimental thing is the story that we're given that it is a brain disease and here's your treatment and here's your diagnosis and that invites self stigma that invites so many things and then they say recover from what we just told you when they never took the time to listen to what where a person was at when they were when they first were experiencing the mental health system so they talk more so nowadays about person-centeredness and and I feel like one day the person centeredness will extend not just 20 the person's directs some of their recovery and treatment plan and things it will also be person centered in that the person decides what's going on for them the person decides the story there's no paternalism even in terms of the story that's given as to what is going on and I don't know how that will happen but even if it's even if it can happen for a person personally subjectively there's still value even if the system never changes that way but there is an understanding that a person can decide their own experience inside of what happened because maybe there's someone to talk to about it so they're able to make meaning about it you know maybe the diagnosis would be one thing but the meaning of the experience would be something altogether different all the people with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder do not or did not have the same experiences internally subjectively and make meaning out of all the things that happen in a different way but there's a lot of similarities what I'm saying is there's meaning beyond just the diagnosis just as a person with cancer might completely change their life because they realize there's different meanings in life I from my experience I felt different meanings in life because of my experience so same thing both are diseases but there's still meaning that people make out of things and that's the part to me that is missing and um and it's one thing for the meaning but it's also how does that affect and impact one's life going forward so to dismiss everything as a brain disease I think there's so much missed in terms of the meaning of the experience of what can be incorporated into somebody's life from the information from the experience and that's something that is not taken into account and another reason to make videos is I want to be able to embody the conversation I want to have so I don't want to spend so much time writing and then it just sort of gets lost in a file in my computer and then when the time comes to utilize it in some way it's just a piece of writing and then it goes into whatever or doesn't and then it's not something I've ever really talked about in a really long time so by talking about things and by translating some of the writing of done and research into video it's a way to actually have that conversation with myself and embody having those conversations that i want to invite other people to have to so if I was thinking oh and body this conversation and then I spent the next 10 years writing a book for example I wouldn't be embodying the conversation I'd be writing a book about embodying the conversation and then it would be 10 years wasted not embodying the conversation and I don't see the point of that and a good thing about video to is then I can have a conversation if I do put it out there with a lot of different people at the same time and I don't actually have to be there and another thing too is for people like me with a diagnosis there was a period of time over medicated or just not able to concentrate because of medications so videos are a bit easier to follow I have read some great books on some of the themes that I want to talk about but they're like big long thick books and it was a period of time when I was able to concentrate and focus and read them but you know first of all somebody has to find that book they have to be interested in it and then they have to be able to read it and um that could be difficult so I feel like just having conversations about ideas and inviting more conversation as people like me can just have conversation we don't need to write books and things back and forth and and really convince each other of our ideas because at least in my experience there's not really any convincing necessary and that's the thing too about writing verses video is that I'm not trying to like carefully craft some kind of convincing message I'm just trying to invite conversation and I just i'm interested in conversation and and sharing and and wondering about what other people think about actually ascribing meaning to some of the experiences not in order to get stuck in those experiences and be like well i need to have that again or you know oh that defines the rest of my life or oh such a great feeling i need that back no just to make meaning about it and and to be able to move on even from it by making meaning so just inviting conversation and again i'm not trying to like carefully craft some convincing message because from what I've experienced even in reading those great books that I read it all really resonated with me and that's the thing I've and I'm not sure if this is true for you but a lot of it just resonates it's just conversation and if you if you see it if you see eye to eye or you have some level of understanding of that experience and that stage it kind of makes sense it's not can it's not to convince anybody so if a person watches this and they've gone through some kind of altered state a lot of what I say might just really resonate and you might just understand not in that you had the exact same experience but it's like you know describing describing somewhere where you've been and somebody else has been there and like they can understand what how what you're describing just because you've both been there and then if somebody watches this and I haven't been there maybe it'll seem like oh I'm trying to convince you of something but I'm not really i'm just talking about my experience of somewhere that maybe you've never been so you know you you might be able to kind of picture what I'm saying or understand but maybe it's not going to resonate in the same way but maybe you know somebody that or you're caring for somebody that has been through these states of experience and perhaps it'll help with understanding some of what it's like or invite you to think about in different ways which if you're able to think about it and see it in different ways but actually change the person you're helpings response to you because you're at least attempting to see what they're saying or you're at least interested in hearing about what they might want to share about it which is something that maybe they've never been invited to do before and just to approach it with curiosity as I'm curious about it myself like I've been there I've been in you know psychosis as they call it four times and I don't think it's anything that I'm ever going to figure out I don't think it's something that I'm gonna be able to say this is what it is um you know whether it's a disease of the brain sure okay that doesn't explain everything sure if you want to say it's a disease of brain fine but there's still a lot more to it just like you can say to someone well it's cancer well there's a lot more to it than its cancer there's physiological processes there's environmental factors there's genetics there's so many things so just like the biological brain disease of psychosis you know if you want to say it's that that's fine I can say it's that but that still doesn't explain everything obviously there's psychosocial factors in a while would they have psychosocial rehab it you know there's psycho biosocial spiritual ethno eco you know factors there's so many different factors so it's not something that I'm trying to figure out it's more something that I'm very curious about and I'm also curious about the meaning of it and I feel like there's a lot more to be said about the meaning of it then the cause of it or the explanation of it and there can be a lot of value harvested from it I feel if it was looked at that way and it is difficult to look at it that way because there's a lot of terrible elements of it but there's a lot of terrible elements to most things like diseases or processes it's you know even something as simple not simple but even something like going through University is hard it's a struggle it's a learning experience it's you know it's draining it's tiring but it's a learning process and then it's the same with something like psychosis it's like going to inner university like the University of one's interior yourself and it's not just one's own personal interior self it's the collective unconscious and the collective interior yourself that we all share that we have in common that we need to have in common and that's how we can empathize with each others because we all share that that's what empathy is it's that shared experience otherwise if we all had completely different experiences we'd have nothing shared and nothing that we would be able to see eye to eye about and I feel that people that have gone through these experiences can resonate with conversation about it and I feel like the conversation would be rather easy and effortless in that it's just like talking about any other common human experience and maybe not every human experiences this particular thing but a good percentage of people do and you know just like two people that went through cancer treatment might talk about that to people that went through psychosis and the system can talk about their inner experiences in order to share and make meaning and and validate and say you're not alone say hey I felt that too whoa I'm not an alien that's something similar happened to me and a lot of that can help with the stigma because so many of us except the stigmatizing story of biological brain disease and then isolate and by isolating we're self stigmatizing and by self stigmatizing we we isolate so we're not talking to each other we're not telling each other it's okay that that it happened it's okay that you felt like you were gonna kill your mother you didn't you know people kill their mother in their dreams they didn't do it um you know it's just thought it's just material saying people think about killing somebody and you know they don't have the same terror associated with it because it's just a thought but um I shouldn't use that example of the killing people one because whatever so again it's just conversation I'm not trying to convince anybody of anything I'm not convinced myself I have no idea it's some one of those things that's a mystery and it's just like talking about something mysterious it's a mysterious phenomena and again I'll never figure it out I'm not trying to figure it out I feel like by having conversation it'll create sort of a network of[Music]almost protection in a way because people will start to understand it or reinforce their understanding and which the understanding might just be I can't understand but this is what I feel it meant and I don't I don't get it why does this happen or this is what happened to me or this is what I experienced and I feel like by creating these conversations will be able to create a sort of relational mind so dr. dan siegel talks about the embodied mind and the relational mind and how so much of our minds not our brains but our minds which is different than the brain there we're all enmeshed in each other and if we have our own little understanding of what happened with us and we don't share we're not creating it in an interpersonal neurobiological network and that's just by having conversation and that would actually be reflected in the structure of our brains in that we're having a conversation about this and somebody else is having a conversation back and we're all talking about it so it's in our brains and in that way it would start to spread amongst common society and maybe people that haven't even experienced it will start to understand some of the experiences that happen and that would almost maybe protect them from if it did happen from being so afraid of it because there can be a lot of scary scary parts of it but I think it's really time to have these asians not just conversations about how much the system sucks not just conversations about how much we hate the pharmaceutical companies and how much damage they've done and they've done damage but if we're just talking about that we're not doing our part to say how it is to say what it feels like to say what it's like for us subjectively to say how we want it interpreted to say how we interpret it and to say that with each other how else are is anyone going to see anything differently if we just say don't we don't want the drugs but we don't say what we want or how it is or start talking about things so other ideas about what might work and what might be better start to actually spring from the conversation of what it's like not just saying what we don't like and what we don't want that there isn't there's alternatives but by having more and more conversation the modalities or the things that might help will come into play that suit and fit the conversation so if it's just let's fight the system then we're just going to be fighting the system and I personally don't want to fight the system the system still might get the best of me I don't know I'm not through it and and it's still you know they're scaring me in the background but I think fighting the system isn't going to help us transcend the system we have to create the new paradigm and let the system die off when it's time you know some people really like the system and the system is there the system is necessary if it wasn't it wouldn't exist it's completely necessary and it exists and that's why it exists we have to make it not necessary we have to make it so we don't need that we have to make it so we can say no thank you i have somewhere else I choose this other option the system is not going to do that for us but we need to start talking to each other and we need to have different conversations and not just about the system but just about ourselves and and what it is to be human now they talk a lot nowadays about our genetics you know even now the genetics of mental illness they have psychiatric genetic counseling yeah you think about the system and how wasteful it is and of all the things they could create as the next thing to help people they create psychiatric genetic counseling like what is that I tried how ridiculous I'm curious about what they actually say like they don't test your genetics they just I don't know do a family tree and say oh you're susceptible because you're your aunt's cousin twice removed cat had psychosis I'm not sure what they say I shouldn't totally make fun of it my point is that that's the next field of study of all the things that are even already out there they just always need to create more medical pseudo medical stuff like if it wasn't already pseudo medical enough in so many people's minds they gotta go create you know I don't know a family tree analyst but and like actually make that a position but anyways I might remove that rant because just after I said don't complain about the system invite about the system I started yapping about something in the system but basically we are worried about genetics as in general but what we need to really be worried about is the medics means which are thoughts or bits of information or words and in my experience of psychosis it's memes out of control thoughts out of control thinking and then that thought leads to that thought and the next thought and then 10 thoughts from there at the same time and it's overload and it's words all those things are like recorded in my brain as words and thoughts and they're all memes so what's it's more important to protect ourselves from the memes and one of the memes is the stigma story of mental illness and it's okay to say yes I have a mental illness or to keep that as a piece of information but don't actually let it get encode it in your brain it's a nice tool to have a diagnosis but it's not actually you it's not something that should actually infect your brain cells and in fact you're being so be careful of those memes
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something I did want to talk about I don't know if I touched on and I wanted to talk about when I was mentioning that that visionary aspect comes in and sort of displaces or kicks out some of the ego elements at least temporarily is that the ego being displaced kicks out some of a person's functioning and ability perhaps and scrambles it but what happens is that a person in the visionary state they can actually acquire new abilities so a person doesn't necessarily have a disability they perhaps have different abilities and so it will be interesting to find out what it is that these abilities are that people can all of a sudden manifest just like sometimes a person that has a stroke or some kind of brain thing happen all of a sudden when they recover they are a great poet or they can write music when they've never learned music and these things are pretty rare but i feel that a person after they've gone through a mental health crisis perhaps sometimes now has a new pool of abilities to tap into and people that when they're in the extreme part of their visionary state they might feel like they're psychic they might feel like they're a profit they might feel like they're magical and maybe they are for that little time being maybe it's just a delusion whatever but how can some of those extreme traits actually get tamed down into something that is tangible on a daily basis so maybe a person that was felt like they were a prophet and they were writing a new spiritual doctrine while they were in that state maybe that person actually did connect with kind of spirituality that they want to explore when perhaps before the crisis they were an atheist or maybe a person starts like writing incessantly and then after the fact they can still write pretty well and maybe they are not channeling the type of information they were before but maybe all of a sudden they do have access to being able to write or I feel there's a lot of heart centered qualities that come into play so for example when I was in mania I felt very connected to the issue and occurrence of homelessness and before that I didn't have any real interest or thoughts about that but when I was in that state I could feel it like I know where I can sense or have a felt sense or it's like it's in within me that I can feel the empathy that empathetic resonance with the person that's homeless and I could really feel it and it was extremely painful so even though the manic state is very beautiful and wonderful and happy I also experienced a lot of pain in that I was so open and I was so vulnerable and I was so as if there was no ego of my own self to block me from resonating with whoever it was that I was perceiving at the moment so if I was looking at a little child I would be in just like Glee and happiness and how wonderfully happy they are or if I saw a parent yelling at their child I would just kind of be mad like you know you don't need to do that and um and then if I saw like homeless person I would feel incredible pain and sadness and and freezing cold and just it's almost like since I was nothing as an ego I was just whatever I wherever I was I was what that situation was and I could feel it and now imagine if we were like that all the time if all of us could really sense what we were seeing so if I if somebody looked at a homeless person they felt what it was like to be homeless they didn't feel yadda yadda ya goin on about what's for dinner thinking about what happened at work and looking at it and walking by which means not actually seeing anything at all not seen so this ego and monologue and yet yammering on actually is a protection mechanism because it blocks whatever it is that's really there because whatever is going on in the Yammer is not what's really there it's just you hammering and it actually prevents action so going back to when I manic and there's no real yammering and I'm really there with what's happening in the moment I have to go help that homeless person I have to go take him for coffee I have to go give them ten dollars not just one dollar you know it's it's instant action because I can actually feel it it's not just because I'm like oh it's like ouch like I feel your pain like you can't be in this much pain because I now I feel it's like I'm in this much pain to I'm right there with you it's a very sensitive state its hypersensitivity it's too much information in that most people don't receive that amount of information if everybody received that amount of information with everything they looked at you know that would be a lot of information but our thinking that we are separate egos and our identification with our own inner personal monologue actually is what blocks the sensitivity and a certain amount of it I'm sure is necessary it's really necessary because we have to protect ourselves well we don't have to but what what I'm saying is that by this calculation if if everybody entered that state of consciousness which is called mania where you really experience for a lot of it you really feel what you're seeing you're not separate from it you know if you if you see a tree you're feeling that tree and you're like wow this and especially looking at nature it's the most beautiful thing ever nothing could be more beautiful and human beings too but then to see some of the unfortunate circumstances of human beings and feeling that if everyone would all of a sudden feel bad there would be a lot of action but there'd also be a lot of confusion because because you don't know what is you anymore because once a person you know once I was in that state for a long time and I'd felt so many different situations I didn't know what was me there was no me it was just whatever was in the moment and and I feel like if all of a sudden all of us could feel that at the same time there'd be a lot of confusion people would be like what's me would am I doing this who's doing this who's making me feel this way and we're all doing it and we've all done it by allowing it to come to be we have all played our part in creating that and creating a person being homeless and everyone walking by you know that would be like somebody walking by well somebody walking by somebody that's bleeding to death which actually can happen in a crowd too because everybody thinks well if something was wrong everybody somebody would do something but you know I guess that's what happens with the people laying on the street too is that you know oh it's can't be that bad everybody else is walking by and you know when I go into manic consciousness and I feel that and then then I can't walk by and maybe there does need to be a certain amount of that slowly happening where people start feeling like I can't walk by I can't not do anything you know maybe not all at once but because everybody so identified with their mind they're not really looking at what's going on like maybe people stop walking by trees being cut down and you know realize if we don't have trees we don't have roots and then the soil blows away and then we don't have soil and then if we don't have trees we don't birds we don't have birds they're not going to eat the insects and then why do we have insect-like it's so interconnected and we don't we don't see it you know I even had this sense that when there's a lot of traffic on my street I live on a busy street the birds don't chirp to each other and it's not that I can't hear them they don't and then when it's quieter there are other out in their trip and do each other so even that all the noise the birds can't communicate so even if they're what we're a few trees if there's more roads and noise they still can't do what they need to do and it's really important to have Birds you know really important so yeah a certain amount of people not being able to walk by and it's not even walking by is it it's realizing that that person laying there is actually me too not me is in the ego but as in that pain that that person's in is my pain too and I feel like that's a lot of what is causing mental illness is that you know maybe society as a whole seems normal and the baseline of people is normal but all that pain and and that inequality that we ignore is happening in consciousness so it might not be happening to you or me or somebody else that you know or we know but it's happening to somebody and it's happening in consciousness and we all share that consciousness because it's all the same like pain is pain human suffering is human suffering and we all suffer and so if I'm not suffering and somebody else's you know you can think of it as an additive effect in consciousness and their suffering ignored is going to come out as some kind of something in somebody else not because not because of punishment but because it's just it's all human consciousness it's got to go somewhere if somebody's crying out and suffering and laying on the street and they're being ignored just because they're not able to articulate themselves doesn't mean that it's not there doesn't there's a human being there it's a whole universe that's being ignored you know so if if that energy of some sort and consciousness creates mania which is sort of people often not always you know I'm generalizing here I'm not and I'm speaking from my own experience and things that I've heard but I'm not saying this is all true um I'm just you know I'm just talking really um you know that energy of that person suffering and crying out laying there you know you can almost think of it as like a negative disturbance in a way that creates like this positive disturbance and consciousness that creates almost a person being manifested to have that energy where their ego sort of disappears a bit and they're not able to walk by so the one being walked by and suffering and calling for help inside that energy could create that a consciousness responds a person responds maybe not exactly to that person laying there directly you know that would b
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so I was thinking about dreams and how dreams at night are the brains way of trying to bring order to the day's experience or past day's experiences and so at night a person may or may not dream and they might dream about something that happened during the day or they could dream about something from the past in this way the brain is sort of continuing to think while it's asleep it's not quiet and sometimes people don't dream at all or at least they don't remember their dreams and to me a person that dreams may be trying to work stuff out in their life and in the same way a person that has psychosis or mania which is like having dream elements projected into daily life maybe needing to work out some internal stuff unfinished business and things to a higher degree than the people that manage to do it through dreams and interestingly enough many times when somebody goes into a state of psychosis or mania they haven't been sleeping so perhaps they haven't been sleeping that haven't been dreaming or maybe it's that they are dreaming but they're awake dreaming so their sleep time that's usually sleep dreaming is now still dreaming time but it's while the person is awake so they're not getting sleep plus the dream elements are being projected and causing trouble in daily life like say what's called hallucinations or delusions which could just be like sleepwalking while actually awake and that's just something I'm thinking about I'm not saying this is true or it's just it's just a conversation and I feel it's important to talk about the stuff and think about it differently because it's it's so fascinating and I'm speaking about it from my own experience not from oh I read this in a textbook it could be in a textbook somewhere or in a book somewhere but from my own experience it does feel like I'm sort of awake in a dreamland and maybe we're all awake in a dreamland but the dream element shuts off for the most part in most people but perhaps if we're not sleeping the dream element comes in and messes up the daily reality but why do we dream at all it seems like it's the subconscious way of reorganizing stuff so basically this dreaming while awake could be a way to reorganize a person's reality because there's elements that need to be reorganized and this could in my case I experienced trauma and it was hard for my brain to deal with that trauma so a way for it to be dealt with was perhaps to create a a mental health crisis or challenge which definitely made my internal subjective reality not really congruent with the outer reality and this is just perhaps a way of the psyches healing process I believe in holotropic breathwork they they talk about how the psyche is always attempting to heal itself it's a self-healing mechanism so psychosis and mania could be some kind of self-healing process but it's met with opposition it's not with the interpretation of being a disease like a permanent thing when it's not a permanent state most times people don't stay in that kind of state forever and coming out of it is usually attributed to medication but how many people are allowed to possibly go through the process without medication and perhaps maybe it would resolve eventually on its own if it's a healing mechanism a healing process perhaps it eventually corrects itself just like if we're sleeping and we have a dream eventually the dream stops eventually we wake up if we were to thank everybody that was sleeping was like dead that and bury them before they woke up well then we would be really silly so just because that happens we never there's not much there's not many opportunities to go through it in a safe way and have it finish almost like a longer sleep dream period imagine it takes for example say it takes 30 days on average now a person needs a nice sanctuary for those 30 days to go through the process but instead it's stopped the process is stopped through chemical means and then it's assumed because a person had that happen that they have some sort of disease when it was never allowed to go through its process and it's also assumed that if you allow it to continue it's only gonna get worse and I'm not sure where the proof lies in this but there's a lot of fear that is put into it and you know it may be true but I'm not sure I would like to see that there'd be options especially because there are some people that choose not to take the medications but it still is a process that is it needs the person needs to be kept safe and they need to be guided because it's um it's a very delicate place to be so what I'm talking about is revision until health and revisionist that providing different ways to see it to look at it to think about it and that will create new avenues and new possibilities and that's really important they talk they do talk about reframing so reframing things to look at it differently and reframing could be for example sometimes I reframe my experience by saying I take medication to keep me grounded in this reality that we all share I take medication to keep me seeing consensus reality is this the only reality in my mind no is this the best reality that's out there no it's not but it's the one we all share and that's the one where I can be most congruent and not bump into incra incongruencies in my inner subjective experience and the outer they're still incongruencies or they're still I still have a sense for example like I can see this injustice or that injustice which we can all do that which just means we see the world as it is and we don't think that it should be that way and with some of my different states of consciousness where I've experience what's called mania and psychosis I I see the world and then I also see more possibilities so in mania I like to think of it as seeing so many possibilities and everything I see possibilities to make things better see it differently or experience it differently or afford to have different meaning than it usually does it's a very new state it's not I see something I look at something and it it feels it feels like nothing new there's almost no perception of it so after a while if we're experiencing the same thing all the time in the same routine we get adapted and we don't even see things that are inner our daily life so we might not even see that there's a picture on the wall even though it's been there for the whole time or we might we just don't notice things so mania is like noticing everything and and then some and noticing what's implicit in what we notice and like reading between the lines and and in that way it's a very energetic state and it's very exciting and psychosis is similar but it's also there's a lot of scary associations so instead of associating a certain item with something beautiful and possible with lots of potential and wonderful it resonates with some kind of trauma from the past or relating it to some kind of biblical horrific event or you know the mind changes it into all negative feelings of things and since it's a negative feeling State and one feels very negative and terrified everything is flavored with that terrified nature so any tariff Association that is possible can potentially come into one's conscious awareness but again it's not congruent with reality so I might just see a scary picture on the wall and what it is is a scary picture on the wall that doesn't mean that something horrible is gonna happen to my neighbor which you know you know my mind might make that up as a story because it's in that state of feeling completely terrified even though there is really no good reason so the feeling of the terrified creates reasons so the mind starts to make up reasons everywhere why I should and could be terrified and just like the opposite of mania being extremely elated and joyful and happy it sees the brain can see the mind can see every reason possible to be happy and joyful so this is different than the normal consensus state of kind of not noticing anything so just in the normal states just noticing what we usually notice and there's not much that's new whereas in mania everything seems new and one is noticing everything and perhaps it is important for some people to notice more things sometimes because if we all got habituated to our routines like if tomorrow we were all habituated to our routines forever we would just be robots so to me I actually feel like these experiences of organic changes in states of consciousness are actually in a way evolutionary because if we were able to be so easily conditioned and programmed into habet with no way of really getting out of it as they say now it takes 30 days to change one little habit just to change say eating an apple a day takes 30 days perhaps to actually form that as a habit that's a pretty slow process for one little habit because we can't even change very many habits in one go but if a person all of a sudden enters a state of mania everything changes in an instant and everything's new and everything's different and everything is possible and everything is magical and if some of us didn't experience some of this sometimes we would probably be a monotonous ubiquitous species of drones by now I actually feel like these states of consciousness are these you know so-called pathological mental illnesses are actually completely necessary because the people that go through them lose their ability to be programmed and they lose their ability to remain in the habits that actually define them as the people they are and then we say well what happened to this person they're no longer who they were so they're ill and I think that is a very limited way of looking at it it really means Wow good that we can't be programmed into something if you could imagine that some supreme dictator came from an alien race just one dictator and was like okay you guys you all have to listen to me because I came from this alien race and and I appeared out of nowhere and you know and so everyone's like bowin
g down and then all of a sudden they spell out the gospel of what we're supposed to be like and and we say okay because your magical and you came out of the sky and and this person or this entity was so easily able to program us we're not going to be able to be programmed by that thing because of mental illness or psychosis or extreme states of consciousness a certain number of us are going to rebel not because we want to but just because that is actually innately programmed into us not programmed but it's an it's an innate part of us by the intelligence of however we were designed or created however you choose to believe that came about so there's always been people that go mad as is called but really it's just a way for the psyche or the being or the consciousness to rebel and and clear itself of its own programming and to say that oh the human or the person is ill I feel that's limited because basically new programming can be installed and unfortunately the one that's installed is you're mentally ill you're defective you don't have the same functioning so obviously there's something wrong with you when it could be by like a divine act of grace that this person's ego was erased and something else can flower something else can take root maybe we're not meant to be the same ego that we are where our whole entire life how many people would love to start over how many people would love to have everything erased and and create something new but we're not given this opportunity because we're assumed that we should try to get as much of ourselves back that we lost like oh that was so valuable that programming that you were that you got through your childhood through your upbringing through your schooling through the media like oh that's so valuable that's we got to get that back you got to recover no maybe you have to rediscover and recreate yourself anew and if there it was received in a caring way as if it's almost like the birth of a newborn baby even though the person is a young adult or an adult it's almost like a person is returned to innocence and sometimes yes there's been a bad behavior in a person because it's almost like the person realizes that they're being deprogrammed and they're not being cared for they're being treated as if they're the same person and I feel like there's a certain element of deprogramming yes the person does retain some elements of the personal self most of the time a person's voice isn't going to change most of the time you know a person's looks aren't gonna change that much but the ego were assuming the ego structure is the person so we're saying this person gets mentally ill but it really the ego is torn apart and the ego isn't that real to begin with so to say like there is a crisis happening within the person but it could be more to stir up the ego and sort of you know mix it up and and tear it apart and mix it up and put the pieces back together and see what happens and certain elements of the pieces of the puzzle don't fit anymore and some still do and a person in after that experience does lose often loses the ability to function in society but the ego is actually a product of society so person as their ego self in their particular situation in society they're going along and then for some reason that falls apart the ego falls apart the person's not going to function the same way in the same situation that ego is implicit in the situation that the crisis happened in so to put a person back in that situation and expect that that's gonna be good that's the situation that led to the crisis in the first place so what I'm saying is a lot of it has to do with a person needing to change their life and appear and sometimes if a person doesn't change their life and doesn't manage to change their life the ego structure falls apart and then they have to change their life but it's not get the ego back and go back to the same life it's still I feel a call to really change one's life because society as it is and the egos that we are they're they're conditioned they're programmed like how many of us pretend like how many of us are really thinking about the laws of society as we're going about our day and how we should be acting well all those are false structures and and while it seems that Society has a relative relatively stable order not everybody is stabilized by that order so those structures of society and those programs and those conditionings they work for a lot of people but a lot of people actually fall apart under these structures and then because of that a person is said to be mentally ill when perhaps we actually need to work towards designing society for some people that don't actually fit into the society that we've designed not in that they don't fit in as people but that they don't fit in like for example maybe we're not designed to work 40 hours a week every week for almost every week of the year or say for example a person that goes through one of these crisis's and comes out the other side perhaps can get just as much done in 40 hours a month as one can in 40 hours a week if the person working in the 40 hours a month that's gone through the crisis has free reign to do the hours when they can so it's not based on time on assuming that everybody can just pull themselves together for 9:00 to 5:00 every day the fact that anyone can do that is a miracle and you know more and more people are having these these crises and things and we're crises I guess I should say so that's just a small example that perhaps it's also in the design of society it's also in the design of how we're like how long are kids gonna be able to continue to sit at a desk for six hours a day for the entire year for so many years of their life that's pretty outdated and it's all about control it's all about learning and I don't even know if they're changing the way learning happens because to have to memorize all this stuff is just ridiculous in the day of having an external memory and an external brain processor like a smartphone and it's more important to know how to think then be programmed to remember what to think and what to say and what knowledge is so it's more about inquiring and questioning being able to ask those questions instead of answer a question when asked being able to recall something which so basically what I'm trying to say is a crisis could be an invitation for evolving oneself to a different version of oneself and there's so much pressure after a crisis I know to get back to oneself to get back to who everyone else knows one knows me to be but maybe I'm not that person maybe I don't want to be that person anymore and maybe that's okay and maybe if people were told you've lost elements of your ego you've lost elements of your thought structure you've lost elements of maybe your beliefs but you're not your beliefs you're not your your thoughts you're not what you were told to remember you're not your memories what is possible and and maybe a lot of the things that are possible are some of the things that happened in the more positive elements of the crisis but in the positive one goes equal opposite to say the negative side and then as one comes out of the negative maybe one person can incorporate elements of the positive after coming out of the negative but so often coming out of the negative implies you should get back to yourself how you were you should go back to being who you were so your people that know you are comfortable and you should get back to the exact jobs you were doing and recover recover recover and to me it's also about rediscover we discover and rediscover recreate recreate recreate if I lost 50 percent of my ego structure which equates to oh you're not functioning like you're not functional we have to train you how to think and function again maybe it's not just about functioning maybe it's about that so many elements of who I was the word if dysfunctional in that they're not who I truly am and who I truly am I don't know who that is and I don't think I will ever know so if certain parts of me were lost certain parts of me who I thought I was were lost during a crisis there probably meant to go and that frees up space for something else and perhaps you know I've had more than one crisis I've had four so things keep happening that way and I'm not sure why perhaps I keep trying to reincorporate things that are just that aren't meant to work for me but but to go with the whole losing part of my own function or losing part of my ego functions some social functions and then freeing up space what was this space freed up for and some of that I feel like it's freed up for to be I don't know if it's freed up to be a visionary per se but a lot of the experience I had in the crisis State and I don't like the word crisis I don't like the word psychosis I don't like the word mania hopefully one day I don't have to say those anymore and you know I'd like to say things more like unusual states of consciousness or extreme states of consciousness or non-ordinary states of consciousness or visionary states and States implies that they change so in a visionary state we're in an extreme state of consciousness consciousness a lot of the experience is visionary or internally subjective the information is coming from inside the meaning is coming from inside and all of a sudden so much of my life feels meaningful but it's almost like as the ego dissolves or is displaced at least so much more of as visionary and meaningful and much less of it is my own personal personal ego stuff so perhaps after the crisis this visionary experience that comes in displaces a lot of the ego stuff and maybe that's what makes some of it go away so all of a sudden this ego I Know Who I am I believe this I think that I this all the repetitive thoughts is replaced by a lot of times visions and thoughts of things that are more meaningful or also terrifying and scary it's not all good if it was all good I'm su
re everyone would want this thing to happen so if it's displaced some of the ego stuff there still is that visionary element and perhaps whatever that visionary element is that comes in is there to inform the new creation of the ego structure because it is important to have an ego in today's reality in order to relate it is important to have a sense of who a person is maybe one day the the ego will be more obsolete but all this visual visionary stuff and meaning can reinforce ins life and what they choose to do next and so often because the story is well this is a mental illness and here are your medications for life and the medications are very dulling then that visionary experience or that non ordinary state just terms turns into okay well now you have a mental illness and deal with it and recover when it could be if it was handled or received in a different way you know what's going on for you visionary stuff is is you can harvest it you can help it to utilize it to inform your life you know your ego structure is breaking down like what do you want to what do you choose to incorporate into it as opposed to all the stuff that was just there through the process of one's life by default you know I feel like it's really important it's an important time for somebody to really get in alignment with what they want to do with their life so a lot of people end up unfortunately on disability and not doing much about watching TV well a person can be on disability and from their visionary experience be creating something based on what they harvested from one of their extreme states of consciousness of something they're really passionate about you know a person doesn't need to be manic to be passionate about something if I get a message or a feeling or sense in mania that there's a certain cause that I want to be involved in I don't think I have to be manic in order to participate in that so what I'm saying is certain elements can be harvested from those extreme states of consciousness and those extreme experiences that are still congruent and probably more congruent with daily life that perhaps if a person incorporates into their lifestyle design will prevent further relapse because a person has moved towards living in alignment with what was coming up for them in that extreme state of meaningfulness and so many of us are suffering from a lack of meaning so to have that state of extreme meaningfulness just because it ends with you know it's usually it's not sustainable because life and the world isn't designed as a visionary place like we don't all walk around assuming everyone's having visions and meaningful stuff and looking for synchronicity and magic maybe one day we will but we just go about our business and allow people to do the same so what I'm saying is in those extreme states things can be harvested to use in one's consensus reality life because they did have meaning and maybe they're not felt as this meaningful now but it doesn't mean they're not meaningful maybe they're the things that will actually move a person towards that sense of meaningfulness and do that in an embodied way so when it happens as the meaningful state in the extreme state it's usually quite disembodied it's not something that I'm actively participating in so if I feel all sudden really drawn to the cause of homelessness I might be feeling it and seeing homeless people and feeling like oh my gosh and giving them some money but I'm not necessarily engaged in that in my daily embodied life which once I come back to the embodied consensus reality state even though I might have like a hangover from psychosis just from being in that state and it feels like a hangover because if you can imagine being in a state of absolute meaning for two months like so much meaning everything's so meaningful possible there's so many associations and possibilities and then even the scary part of it which is meaningfully terrified in what's called psychosis after coming back to consensus reality usually through being medicated or something it feels terrible it feels no wonder there's often a depression which is what I experienced because it goes from feeling so meaningful to the normal state of being feels super meaningless even though it's just the sort of consensus felt sense of what we all assume normal reality is but it feels terrible because of the contrast so again that's why it's not good to to get too high beyond beyond the consensus reality because once snapped back to the level of consensus reality it feels worse than consensus reality because it feels because it's like the equal and opposite thing and I think there's a certain amount that can be done to to help society level up a little bit but it's difficult it's difficult to remain higher than feeling higher than consensus reality and some people they do it by say taking some kind of illicit drug everyday but then a person is off in their own personal pleasure and bliss and feeling like one with God maybe or however it feels but that's not how everyone else feels so then a person even though they feel one with everything they're kind of there by their self and then it also takes a toll on the body on the physical structure to always be taking some kind of chemical or substance whether natural or not to elevate oneself beyond sort of the daily existence and I feel like there are certain things that can be done to level up the consensus feeling of daily existence so slowly over time consensus reality supposedly gets a little better and better for example with different human rights issues so a population that was marginalized 50 years ago was now more or less part of the mainstream give or take and that levels up say the consensus level of happiness because more and more people are able to be happy because they're not seen as something less than a human being and there's still a long long way to go in this respect why are there still Wars why are there homeless people why do men some men think they can just rape a woman why why is there why are those things happening and so until the world is a completely safe place for every single human being it's not going to be a magical wonderful playful place for every single human being and maybe some people experience that and but over time slowly certain things become less acceptable and more there's more consensus happiness and what I'm in an extreme state of consciousness I can feel and perceive injustice more so than normal so when I'm in regular consciousness I can walk by a homeless person on the street and feel bad you know and or feel happy and be like wow you're free from society's stuff it doesn't look very fun but you don't have to there's a lot of things you don't have to do a lot of stresses you don't have to have more so when you have the stress of survival but not all of these other games that people have invented a survival wasn't an issue anymore that really have no basis in reality except that we've created in our own minds but anyways if I was in an extreme state of consciousness I would think this is just this is not right you know I would maybe give more money or I would have a conversation with the person and I've heard of some people that when they're manic they go out and they get homeless people off the street and they bring them home so they can shower and I remember hearing this story and hearing it in terms of this is what happens when the person is ill and I'm thinking to myself that's beautiful like that's amazing obviously it's it's not you know it's not safe or whatever they would say but it's still beautiful that somebody would go out and get somebody and say hey come here and have a shower imagine if just like a handful of people were doing that why I guess there's charities and things doing that but if we just as human beings were reaching out like that to different people as opposed to everything that's going on the world would be a different place I think that is a beautiful action and but it's not something I would recommend like something I could see myself doing in an extreme state of consciousness but it's you know logically illogical consensus reality rational consciousness it's not something that a female should do but in the heart centered consciousness where a person isn't thinking about their own personal safety as in me and my ego and if you kill me me and all my memories are gone you know there's so much so many people getting killed this instant in war which is like oh don't kill me but go and kill everybody overseas like I'm precious but what about the people that are out there dying so for a person to just put their ego aside and help somebody like that one thing I did one time was when I was super manic was I sort of had this sense inside that said look for yellow so I was looking for yellow and so I saw this man with a yellow visi vast and she was a homeless man and I I took him for a coffee at Tim Hortons and we had a beautiful talk and he had such a beautiful heart and he he told me about how he'd helped start this dream Center in a city in Canada and then he was giving me instructions on how to help start the dream center here where I live and when he was telling me about it it's like I was writing but the pen was like moving by itself and my handwriting was completely different it was like that moment conspired to give me those instructions and and then I gave him a big hug and then I got really cold and I took a taxi cab home but it felt like I was in like this time warp like this I don't know and sometimes I've actually dissociated and I feel I feel like a homeless person and sometimes I think this homeless man is me like he's like a different version of me like if I wasn't a complete consciousness he would be like another piece of my consciousness not as in mine but but it just made me feel like he was this man with this vision and he was homeless so perhaps not accepting mainstream help for supposed you know mental illness or something and actually I think he had a home but I think it was like it was like some crappy crappy crappy place suit like super bad and so there's definitely in extreme poverty and he was just a beautiful man and I don't even know how I started on that topic but basically you know some of these I guess one thing is some of the experiences in mania like in my normal consciousness I wouldn't take a homeless person a coffee like maybe I would if I was like I'm gonna go out do it and do an intentional act of kindness and I'm gonna go find a homeless person and take them for coffee and you know there's a lot of outreach workers who are employed about to do outreach and and take a homeless person into coffee or to try to reach out and get people off the streets and things but you know in normal consensus consciousness we're quite able to walk by a lot of in Justices whereas in mania it's very difficult to walk by anything so in that way a person can easily be like a ping-pong ball going from one thing to the next that they see that they're trying to help with or resolve and you know that could be a good job like if somebody wasn't like always going into mania give this person a salary and say hey go out and do as much good as you can as much as you see like why do we need to categorize things and you know have all these job descriptions it's like do people actually know what to do maybe people actually do know what to do if we just really got together and did it but so yeah I don't even know where I was going with that if I don't get back on track with it I'll have to watch this and find out what I was saying because I think part of it was to do with finding ones cause and that's I guess partly why I feel like my cause is to do with homelessness even though you know maybe my class was that because of that that thing that happened where I I met that homeless man and and he sort of told me what to do and I've never really acted on it and the thing is that I've had this sense that and we are the homeless people if we are one we are the homeless people as well and oh yeah I think I was saying something about how it's not great for daily existence to be in that state of consciousness and that's one of the reasons if I was always manic I would just be seeing something acting seeing something acting all the time and I don't think there's anything wrong with that but it's not it's not really how society is designed and so if I was to take my own thoughts here that I'm saying and go back and look at my manic experience I would say okay perhaps I should in some way start working in homelessness because that's really what I was responding to a lot when I was in that state sometimes I wonder if people if they want to be homeless you know the homeless people there are unborn children no they're there
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Mania is a type of monologue and so is psychosis
Relating to an internal reality less than the external
The Open Dialogue Approach developed in Finland
Nothing about us without us
Wondering if sometimes mania and psychosis have some good ideas
The best self is for the betterment of the world
A small conversation in the world that probably needs to get bigger
The spiritual gift of madness
Talking to each other as visionaries
The biggest resource on the planet is the human brain
We need a new source of ideas
Ideas from the manic mind are not from the same level of thinking as the worlds problems
Mad gifts to change the world
Buckminster Fuller said specialization is the enemy of synergy
Buckminster Fuller proposes a reframing of culture that could get all of humanity to educate itself swiftly enough to generate spontaneous social behaviors that will avoid extinction
We need to create synergetic conversations between people who have had ideas visions and gifts in extreme states of consciousness
Perhaps that's one of the reasons why it's often so hard for people that have gone through these crises to you know reintegrate into society is that you know society is so meaningless
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Owning our own story and interpretation of what happened
Diagnosis is medically helpful but limits the core of who we are
Grieving the loss of my former self
A light hearted approach
Not taking the diagnosis to heart
I knew myself for 28 years before doctors said they knew more about me than me
From raw vegan to 50 lbs up in two months
I kind of like playing the role of crazy person
There's meaning in mental illness
A miracle in the psych ward - from desperation to inspiration - thanks to a visitor
Symptoms versus inner meaning and subjectivity
Stories in mania and psychosis not to be feared as pathological
Diagnosis is helpful to access meds, programs and resources
Scientifically valid versus feeling validated
Special messages
Being happy for no reason is infinite reasons and infinite possibilities
What matters is having open conversation about some of these experiences
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Mania and psychosis as human design to prevent coercive conditioning
Not believing the consensus reality that the leader is trying to create
Mania, psychosis and depression as manifestations of the human psyche to ensure ideas can't get too narrow
Sometimes ideas come out of nowhere
People will keep experiencing visionary states
Ego collapse and the opportunity to transform
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Practicing manic traits and neuroplasticity
Warning: Get with the manic program
Inviting out potential: Human capabilities and capacities
Playing the token crazy person
People can't see what I see
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Random Acts of Kindness
Lifestyle Design
More conversations about synchronicity and magic
Inject some meaningfulness into daily existence
The big responsibility to bring some mania to other people who normally don't get it
The energy of mania is not personal
Reframing and thinking differently about things
Embodying mania - kindness and generosity vs embodying psychosis - paranoia
Embodying mania and being ones best self
Seriousness is a disease
Acts of playfulness
Another world based on kindness and synchronicity
Nature is the opposite of chaos
We really do destroy each other with our thoughts, feelings and actions
In some of my altered states I can actually sense what ripples I'm creating and what ripples are being sent towards me
Being seen as glad people, not mad people
Worldcentric consciousness and the dismantling of the ego
Living out the surprise
Rehabilitation and recovery —> Abilitation and discovery
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Practicing Happiness 1st
Suddenly being really good at being playful
The inner child
Whoa I had a buzzkill experience
Reality would be a completely different game
Talking about the rest of it beside the medical paradigm
The narrative of what happened and the highest possible reasons why
Spontaneousness, playfulness and randomness can't be mechanized
Experiencing psychosis
What's beyond our nervous system and it's ability to measure what is beyond it
One day education will prepare us for altered states of consciousness
Collective suffering and collective vision
See what's there for all of us to see
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Idea: Creating a workshop
A taste of my possible best self
Mania as vision casting
Pathological happiness or pathological societal design?
Practicing embodying some manic traits
The world is a lot more magical than we can see
Do we notice the flowers or cut down the trees
The 9th insight
Posture and fish oil
Deciding to be collapse the wave function and be mentally ill?
Creating our superhero avatar alter self
I was diagnosed with a mental illness is only one story, my least favorite
The Universe could be trying to send us messages
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The word "Peer" and looking deeply
Activist or advocates and joined through friendship
Happiness 1st
Playfulness, laughter, silliness as a survival mechanism
Diagnosis = "Now I can't be happy?"
Diagnosis = "I'm abnormal?"
Moving towards a different expression
Celebration is an opposite of psychosis
Celebratory beings versus survival beings
Smiling baseball players live longer
Laughter, hugs and oxytocin
Top down change versus bottom up change
The Celestine Prophecy or your prophecy
If I could make one request...
A shaman or visionary and celebrating psychosis
Ubermench this
"Heard" immunity to psychiatry...one day
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The terrible psychiatrist
Getting overmedicated
Playing versus problem solving
Trauma informed lifestyle design
Psychosis and oneness
Staying with the suffering
The opposites of psychosis
Traumatized by the psych ward
We live 25 years less on average
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Helping others.
System change is too slow.
I'm not so sure about the recovery model.
Root cause issues.
Families adopting people with mental health troubles.
Feeling guilty and a new start.
Having space in separate housing.
Gaining fifty pounds in a snap.
Other possibilities and other paradigms besides fixing.
Collective pain and hyper empathy.
Death and rebirth in the same body.
Eye contact.
A prophecy of not many of us left.
Independence vs interdependence.
Mad in America.
The Open Dialogue approach.
Dr. Daniel Siegel.
Emotional CPR.
Having chronic fatigue syndrome.
The altruistic urge.
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Why is there such a thing as being too happy as in bipolar mania?
Gross National Happiness.
Steve Pavlina - a favorite blogger.
Digital camera.
Being diagnosed with a mental illness and self esteem.
Ken Wilber and worldcentricity.
Nutella.
Being a hero.
Another way of knowing.
Information overload.
Inner experiences that aren't necessarily talked about that are subjective that may have some value in guiding my life.
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Suicide Prevention.
Follow your dreams.
Creating a sense of safety.
Dissociation and akesthesia.
Mania to psychosis and the suicidal urge.
Anger, frustration and fear.
Communication.
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For more:
Youtube channel: Bipolar Self Talk
email: ii2c_alethia@yahoo.ca
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In this episode we explore the strange features of bipolar language and how this awareness helps us to be more conscious of our logorrhoea so that it doesn't scare other people away. We can also consciously choose to scare others away. Languagism is intSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry.
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Twitter
@bipolar_scvctbc
@bipoar_synchrovercity
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