Five Questions with Steve Molter: Recent Episodes
Steve Molter
Five Questions with Steve Molter is an exploration of vulnerability through conversation. Its goal is to explore the oneness of humanity by asking life's bigger questions. Questions that focus on the way a person thinks, the way they feel, and their core values.
Abigail Correu is a singer, songwriter, creator, explorer, and mother who lives in Nashville, Tennessee. I found her on Instagram around 2014/2015 and really appreciated her honest and authentic energy that she shared via the medium. I had wanted to connect with her for Five Questions after following her for a couple of years and finally had the chance when I visited Nashville this past summer.
Abigail invited me to her house and we immediately started in on the unfiltered conversation that I love. We ended up talking for about an hour officially, then continued off the record for another hour. It felt like it could last for days if it wasn’t for the outside world calling on us to rejoin its ranks. We chatted about her recent leap into motherhood, the trials of heartbreak, and the shining good we both see in people. And she totally answered Five Questions. Meet Abigail.
Kevin Avery is a comedian, actor, and writer for TV. He’s written for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, The Jim Jeffries Show, The New Negroes, VH1’s Best Week Ever, and served as head writer on Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell. Also with Kamau, he hosts Denzel Washington Is The Greatest Actor Of All Time Period. The title speaks for itself. In essence, Kevin’s pretty damned funny. He also recommends really good lunch spots.
Kevin has lived and worked in San Francisco and New York, but it was in LA where we connected to chat about artistic collaboration, helplessness in love, the spiders that seem have taken residence in his apartment, and his process of writing. And before you ask: Yep, he answered Five Questions. Meet Kevin.
Hammock intertwines musical sub-genres of modern classical, ambient, post-rock, and shoegaze with ease, while consistently walking the fine emotional line between hope and despair. They truly are masters of emotion. Hammock is also regarded in the highest company of similarly influential artists, and their music has been featured in film (Columbus soundtrack), video games (Far Cry 5 soundtrack), radio (BBC), and TV (Ricky Gervais’ Afterlife).
Marc Byrd and Andrew Thompson, the two members of Hammock, also happen to be lovely human beings. They graciously invited me to Marc’s home studio where we dove deep into the challenges of life in many different facets, as we normally do here at Five Questions. And today, during our chat, Marc opened up about something that he had never shared publicly before: His 5-year struggle with alcohol addiction which he called “a journey into authenticity.”
I am honored that Marc chose to share his story with me and the listeners of Five Questions. His fortitude reaffirmed in me that this project is a safe space for the vulnerability of humans like Marc, like Andrew and me, like all of us.
Marc, Andrew, and I also spoke about a ton of other deep and contemplative thoughts and feelings, and of course, they answered Five Questions. Meet Hammock.
Elizabeth Traynor is a writer, speaker and an avid runner based in Boston. At 24 she lost one of her closest friends to cancer, and shortly after broke her hip during a marathon – which caused her to spiral into a deep depression. Despite struggling heavily during that period, she found an outlet through writing about her grief, trauma and recovery. Her writing has been featured in SELF Magazine, Better Homes and Gardens, Fitness magazine, Women’s Running, to name a few.
Elizabeth and I chatted about the fear of abandonment, coping with loss in the face of grief, feeling hopeful about family, and many other intriguing topics. Oh, and of course she answered Five Questions. Meet Elizabeth.
Jordan Rich is a seasoned veteran of the broadcasting industry and a staple of Boston’s airwaves having worked in the field for nearly forty years. His silky smooth voice that was destined for radio complements his interest in people and their lives. He happens to be a good friend of my dad’s too. The two of them worked in radio together in Boston for many years.
Since his retirement (if you can call it that with all the work he does), he has continued sharing peoples’ stories on his podcast On Mic with Jordan Rich. A show on which I was a guest.
I connected with Jordan at his studio in Massachusetts where we conducted back-to-back interviews of each other for our podcasts. During the recording of Five Questions, Jordan opened up about delivering the eulogy at his first wife’s funeral, how comfort and excitement are key components of true love, and how he finds joy in life by affecting people in a positive way. And you got it, he answered Five Questions. Meet Jordan.
Christina Agapakis is a biologist, writer, artist, and a mother of two. She collaborates with engineers, designers, artists, and social scientists to explore unexpected connections between microbiology, technology, art, and popular culture.
Christina invited me over to her apartment where we talked about world travel, bias in biochemistry, how framing failure can reveal the process of learning, the difference between STEM and STEAM (and how STEAM is better), and the root of all consciousness…ya know, light-hearted topics. Oh, and of course she answered Five Questions. Meet Christina.
“I’m a lot like my dad. I’m not very vulnerable. That’s mostly because I tend to be 1) A black man in America, and 2) I work in a field where I’m a black man in America and I have to be able to prove twice as hard that I’m right compared to whoever else might be in the room. Sex, race, gender, whatever, be damned. I’m learning now, that as much as I have a gift for empathy, I am a vault sometimes. So I'm trying harder to make space for myself and the people around me. Also new people. Because I want to be inspired. I think friction makes the work better. I like bumping up against other good minds, other good intellects, other good creativity, other expressions, other forms, other function. To do that though, you have to continue to be somehow open.”
Sophia Moon is an abstract painter, a musician, a loving and conscious mother, and the newest host of CreativeMornings Boston. CreativeMornings is a global organization with chapters in 188 cities who host monthly events geared towards nurturing creativity. Their volunteer teams not only celebrate their city’s creative talent, but also promote an open space to connect with like-minded individuals.
Sophia invited me to her new studio space which is undergoing a rad renovation, and we chatted about the effects of her parents' divorce on the way she nurtures her own growing family, discovering a part of yourself in another person, combating imposter syndrome, and she even turned the tables and kindly talked me through some thoughts about depression and perfectionism. Talk about a versatile guest! Oh, and of course she answered Five Questions. Meet Sophia.
Will Dailey is a versatile and award-winning musician based in Boston, Massachusetts whose latest record Golden Walker will be out on June 1st. He is deeply involved with multiple charitable organizations including Farm Aid, Foundation to Be Named Later, and Zumix as well as other local organizations. He's a husband and a father of two, and a genuinely down-to-earth, affable, and humble human being.
I met up with Will at his home and studio just outside of Boston where we had a long and compelling chat about the positive impact on the arts of affordable access to healthy food, the selfishness of making art, the difference between quitting and moving on, the consequences of trying to do everything by yourself, the automatic privilege of being a white male, that guns represent weakness and fear, and we even had time to go off on a tangent about our magical experiences of seeing Pearl Jam in concert for the first time. Meet Will.
Kalmia Traver is the front-woman, co-band leader, and saxophonist for the art-pop-dance band Rubblebucket. She has an equally dynamic solo project called Kalbells which performs with an all female band. She is an avid nature lover having spent her childhood in the woods of Vermont. And most importantly, she's a cancer survivor.
I met up with Kal backstage at the House of Blues in Boston at which Rubblebucket was headlining the annual world music festival CRASHfest. (They absolutely crushed it, by the way.) We found a spot in the wings and watched a killer performance by Flor De Toloache, then found a cozy corner backstage, and chatted about finding peace inside relationships, the powerful spirit of an all female band, Kal and her mom's revolutionary love experiment, the lessons of trees, breaking up a romantic relationship with your bandmate and remaining a band, experiencing infinity in love, and also randomly discovered that Kal went to high school with my cousin. Small world! Oh, and she answered Five Questions. Meet Kal.
Jeremy Ogusky is an artisan potter whose work can be found in restaurants all over the Boston area. He's also worked extensively in public health in Africa, South America, and the US, is the founder of the Boston Fermentation Festival, met his wife in while working with the Peace Corps in a little country called Lesotho, has a one-year-old son, and somehow managed to make time for me to ask him Five Questions.
He invited me to his pottery studio and workspace and we chatted about the struggle of balance in daily life, finding efficiencies within restrictions, the joys and difficulties of collaboration, and of course he answered Five Questions along the way. Meet Jeremy.
Maria Molteni is a prolific multimedia and performing artist, educator, organizer, and artist-in-residence with the City of Boston whose work has been featured across the globe from Croatia to Colorado, from the Philippines to Pennsylvania, from Brooklyn to Boston.
Maria and I met up at her fabulously creative workspace/home in Boston, and had a wonderfully inspiring conversation full of laughs and insight about inventing spaces for teaching art, her paralyzing fear of taxidermy, radical vulnerability in love, The Shakers, and the imbalance of power between men and women and its direct effect on her life and career.
The most memorable and touching part of my meeting with Maria happened when the mics were unfortunately turned off. After recording, before taking photographs, Maria and I continued our chat. I shared my feelings of guilt that come up regarding the difficulties women go through in the world, and that I think about the things that I have done in the past that may have been inappropriate. Thankfully, nothing came up along the lines of what's being reported in the media, but the fact that I may have looked too hard at a woman, or asked one too many times for sex, or done anything that negatively affected a stranger, a date, a girlfriend, or a partner without knowing, weighs on my conscience. Maria was kind enough to listen, and offer me thoughtful words of insight, comfort, and truth. I'm sure I've made mistakes. But taking responsibility for them, owning them, and correcting my course is something I have been focusing and will continue to as I progress in life.
Karen Jerzyk is a photographer whose trademark is photographing elaborate scenes in abandoned buildings. Her work is often wildly colorful and dynamic and creates a sense of surrealism and chaos with meticulous detail.
Karen kindly invited me to her studio where she was designing a set for her latest work. The place was full of antique pieces, dismembered mannequins, old paintings, and photography gear. We chatted about not fitting in, struggling to find artistic voice, favorite filmmakers, and her father's battle with cancer and its affect on her work. Oh yeah, and she answered Five Questions. Meet Karen.
Carl Shane is the frontman, primary songwriter, and guitarist for the Boston-based band Kal Marks who's new record, Universal Care, came out on February 23rd. Kal Marks has been called "the loudest band in Boston" by NPR and are on a nationwide tour as you read this.
I caught two Kal Marks performances in the span of a couple of weeks and felt compelled to get Carl on Five Questions. He kindly obliged and we linked up at his apartment on a bitterly cold night in January. We talked about panic-attack-inducing anxiety, collaborative songwriting, regrets in the wake of lost love, being on tour with a drug addict, and how conversations with friends are so precious. And yup, he answered Five Questions. Meet Carl.
Terry Marshall is deeply involved in social justice. He is the founder and strategy architect at Intelligent Mischief, a creative action design lab using culture, narrative and design to hack social change. Terry also founded Streets is Watching and the Hip Hop Media Lab. He is an affiliate trainer and consultant for the Center for Story-based Strategy (CSS), a Beautiful Trouble trainer, co-founder of The BlackOut Collective and sits on the board for Center for Artistic Activism. He's also an extremely personable and warm-hearted person.
After a few missed attempts at meeting up in New York, Terry and I finally linked up at a Ula Café in Jamaica Plain and chatted about getting lost in Cuba with no money and little Spanish, how he go involved in social justice work, fighting back against systematic racism, going to a Sunni Muslim school as a child, observing human behavior, his comic book geekness, and how boring death is. And he totally answered Five Questions. Meet Terry.
Kimbra is an award-winning, world-touring musician from New Zealand who's new record Primal Heart is out April 20. She's won a bunch of awards (Grammy, ARIA, APRA, New Zealand Music Awards, etc) and worked with well-known peers (Brian Wilson, Queens of the Stone Age, The Roots, Childish Gambino, Skrillex, Gotye, The Dillinger Escape Plan, among others). She's also a super kind, thoughtful, and amiable person, which, in my opinion, is the most important part of this whole paragraph.
Kimbra and I hopped on the phone for our conversation and she invited me to photographer her at her tour kickoff at The Paradise Rock Club in Boston. We talked about moving around the world, anxieties around growing up in the limelight, finding a mantra, and how love is all around us. And yep, she answered Five Questions. Meet Kimbra.
Betsy Schneider is a photographer and filmmaker who explores and documents transformations of individuals and families over time and place. Her work has been exhibited nationally and internationally and is featured in collections at the Museum of Fine Arts Houston, The Nelson-Atkins Museum in Kansas City, and the Museet for Fotokunst in Denmark. In her most recent work, she photographed and filmed thirteen-year-olds across North America on a Guggenheim Fellowship. This work entitled "To Be Thirteen" will be a major exhibition originating at the Phoenix Art Museum in May of 2018 and it will be accompanied by a book and a feature length film "Triskaidekaphobia".
I met Betsy when she was a guest speaker in a photography course I took at MassArt taught by Rania Matar. I was immediately drawn to Betsy's openness and her ability to discuss the multiple layers of her approach to her work and ideas, and found her photography expressive, touching, and memorable.
Betsy invited me to her home studio near Boston where we talked about parenting through divorce, the meditative state of driving cross-country, failure's impact on her approach to life, and what it means to age. And, yep, she answered Five Questions. Meet Betsy.
Jasha Klebe is a film and TV composer, former professional gymnast, and a childhood opera singer. Some of his highlights include The 84th Annual Academy Awards, Winter on Fire: Ukraine's Fight for Freedom, Diana: In Her Own Words, and BBC's Planet Earth II which he co-composed with Jacob Shea, and has worked closely with one of my personal favorite composers of all time, Hans Zimmer.
Jasha invited me to his home studio in West Hollywood and we chatted about collaboration, what it feels like to leave home with a mission, parallels between sport and art, how being in love with music makes him a little bit crazy, and the motivation of creation. He was also kind enough to give me a bottle of wine which was absolutely delectable. And of course I asked him Five Questions. Meet Jasha.
John Walsh is a storyteller, an illustrator, and a father. He was selected as one of ten Artists in Residence by the City of Boston for 2016/2017. In this program, artists are supported as agents of reflection, collaboration, and activism, whether through process-oriented practice, direct community engagement, and/or as leaders of system-wide change projects at Boston Centers for Youth and Family and other City agencies.
I linked up with John at his place in Boston and we hit it off right away. John is the definition of the term "salt of the earth" as you'll hear in our conversation. We talked about telling stories of interest, the joy and change that comes with being a parent, the drive to continue pursuing art, and how failure and success show up in art and life. Oh, I almost forgot, he also answered Five Questions. Meet John.
Adam Wasserman is a Flywheel Sports Lead & Master Instructor in New York City. We first met wayyy back in the late-90s at the University of Rhode Island where we attended the theatre program together as acting majors. Many moons went by and both of us took very different paths in our lives before we linked up again. But after years of pursuing our dreams, moving around the country, following the never-ending pull to grow, and becoming very different men than when we met, Adam and I fell right back into line as friends.
Adam and his dog Bella were kind enough to let me crash at their place for a few days when I was wrapping up a course in New York. I was super fortunate when he agreed to be a guest. We chatted about panic attacks, taking responsibilities for our actions, adoption, knowing when to ask for help, and of course he answered Five Questions. Meet Adam.
"I was always a big worrier. My whole life I was always stressed about things. Stressed about going to the dentist and whatever doctor, always worrying about things. But [going into back surgery] was the first time in my life that I was completely fine. Because I knew it was going to help. And I was in so much pain, every day of my life. I was in so much pain. I would take naps all the time because it was just fatigue. It was hard to think. It was a lot. And when I woke up from surgery—obviously I was groggy and out of it and in pain—but I immediately felt better. I could breathe. I never realized that my breathing was impacted, but I woke up and I was like, 'Oh my god, I can breathe.'"
"I still have the journal that I had when I was fifteen. I wrote an entry that was basically, 'I want to die. I can’t imagine being in a wheelchair all my life.' I’m so glad I have that. And my handwriting was even horrible, chicken scratch, that’s how depressed I was. Seeing that is crazy. People have asked me if I can relate to that girl. There’s part of me that’s in there, but then there’s a side of me that sees it as just the circumstance. Even though those were valid feelings, I can see now how life plays out in the sense that there’s a core you that can go through anything and those circumstances will overflow. It’s just like water. You can be on top of the water, under the water, you can be feeling like you’re drowning. Then at the end of the day it’s still you there figuring out that this is a shit storm. Then, wait, there’s land. And you can see the water from a different perspective."
"Being shaken into consciousness whatever that shake is. The AA slang is your bottom is when you stop digging. For some people it takes a stroke. For some people it’s a broken nail. For some it’s real arrests and real problems. Everyone’s shake-up happens. Not everyone, but a lot of people go through this. You hope it happens in soft and gentle ways, but unfortunately that’s not always the case, sometimes it’s too late and there’s real damage done. Going through it isn’t easy. Once you emerge, perspective becomes real. How you live in love, how you live in gratitude. For me it dramatically shifted.
"When I started out as a photographer—and even until now—I don’t really get any help. I never had a mentor. I tried asking people if I could assist them and they weren’t keen because I was already getting jobs very early on, so it was a conflict of interest. When I wanted to learn how to use studio lights, I had to buy studio equipment and start my own studio and just figure it out from scratch. It was really time-consuming. A constant uphill climb."
"To me, the thing that struck me the most from the very earliest days at GrubStreet, really from our very first students when I really didn’t know what we were doing, people were so moved and transformed by just being together in a classroom and sharing work, which is a very hard and vulnerable thing to do, that they believed in each other and they believed in those of us teaching in those early classes, and they were always ready to step up and give us advice or feedback or help out so when GrubStreet officially became a non-profit, from the student body came our first board of directors. They helped with filling out the crazy and byzantine 501c3 paperwork and on and on. At every single stage of our development as an organization people have presented themselves showing up with just what we need at that moment. That’s about being as clear as you can be about the values and the vision and the mission.
"The importance of when you’re playing in a band or a musical situation that it’s not about you. You’re trying to make the musicians and people around you as welcomed as possible. That’s with the people listening and watching or dancing, and the people you’re playing with. I call them—the best musicians are like elevators, you play one note with them and you jump in and they take you up, they make you better.
When you play music, listen to everything else that’s going on. Don’t just listen to what you’re doing. Otherwise you lose the big picture."
"But something that’s been a struggle is that I’ve suffered with depression my whole life. I don’t know if I’d want to change it though, because it makes me who I am. It gives me that crazy edge which I think I need musically. And I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t met one musician that’s not absolutely fucking nuts in some way. We all have issues.
Me: What do you do to combat those issues when they come up?
Allen: Therapy. Music. Being around people. Sometimes not being around people. Pets. There’s a lot of stuff to do. I stay away from recreational drugs. I don’t really tap into that because that can make it worse.
I think depression would be the thing that I’d be better off without, but like I said, I don’t think I’d be better. It’s part of who I am."
"My way of dealing with anger—and she and I have talked about this before because she’s told me that she has difficulty controlling her emotions—I was telling her about the books that I read. One of them teaches you how to see your anger. We all get mad, but the ultimate thing is that we have to really feel our anger. Not to control it or fight against it, but to feel the anger. “I’m feeling angry, but what is this anger? Do I feel my body temperature get hot? How do I feel?” Once you start to feel how your body physically reacts to your emotions, you’ll realize your emotions calm down because you’re now aware of it. Then you can try to think about why you’re so angry. Because the easier thing is to blame other people, blame things. “This person’s fucked up” or “This thing is fucked up.” But maybe not. Maybe you should dig deeper and ask, “Why am I so angry?” Because no one else is angry, you are angry. So then you can understand what that trick is that makes you so angry. Once you find out, it’s usually that maybe you’re too self-centered or you didn’t see it from someone else’s perspective. Or maybe you’re too rushed or too aggressive or too passive. That’s why these moments of anger go this way. Because of your you. You’re not saying it’s your fault, it’s just that you played a part in it that caused this anger. That made you angry. So just deal with it and let it go."
"I feel like in every relationship that I’ve had that’s dissipated has gone away partly because of that. I’ve been divorced twice. For different reasons, but there are commonalities in all of them. That is something that’s fundamental in all relationships. Everybody wants to feel as if what it is that they’re thinking or what it is that they’re felling is at the very least acknowledged in a way where somebody appreciates what they’re thinking. They may not agree with it. But they can appreciate that you experience it. So yeah, of course.
Even anybody that’s had a job. Anybody that’s been in a huge metropolitan city. You walk around, you’re on the L, you’re surrounded by millions of people and you’re not connected to them in any way.
There’s a movie where this woman is working in a bookstore—it’s an Hal Hartley movie, I can’t remember the name—she’s just standing in the middle near these stairs and she keeps saying, 'Does anyone need any help? Does anyone need any help?' And of course no one even acknowledges her. It’s universal. Disconnection is built into this society. In good ways and bad ways."
"I went through three years of the choice to be alone. I tell some people that and they’re like, 'No way! Three years??' And I talk to other people and they’re like, 'Yeah, I’ve been single for 16 years. Tell me about it.' Three years was a huge deal for me and it was excruciating at times. But there was—how am I ever going to hear the voice of God if I don’t know what it’s like to be alone? If I’m never alone with Him, I always have noise or something else filling it in. So that was a huge learning time for me. Then I built up enough in myself that I didn’t experience loneliness even though I was alone, and it actually became fitting to add someone to me. I became whole enough that I didn’t need a woman to fill a void."
"Some of the best nights of my life are just sitting with wine or no wine or coffee or tea and just talking and learning from everyone’s experiences on the spectrum of humanity. There are so many variables that allow people to take these meandering paths that are so different that by the time you cross paths with them—even if they’re younger—they have, obviously, a mentality that’s going to be different because they didn’t lead an exact imprint of your life. And if you approach conversation, and you approach connecting with people as—instead of reacting to what feels different, really try to understand and learn, I think you can’t go wrong. That is part of what brings me a lot of joy in my life, is really trying to understand what makes us human in different ways, in different places.
"I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. Love for me, in terms of a romantic love, is two people coming from two different worlds and coming together and making a new world that is fit for the both of them. It usually comes with a struggle, but obviously, the romanticism and the beauty that comes from the struggle and from the infatuation you have with each other is this thing. It feels like if you were alone in this world the whole time, all of a sudden it’s like this energy has been with you the whole time, and it makes you feel like any moment that you felt alone, you weren’t, and now you know you have this thing.
I’ve been really struggling in writing about love and trying to figure out how to represent it. And I think that’s what it is. You see it in movies and books and everything, and you see two people coming together and they take a part of each other and start to adapt in their own lives until they’ve created a bubble that works for the two of them."
Annie: "It’s funny because I’ve always viewed myself as a contemporary of women like that. I see myself as inspired by Lena Dunham, but I am just like her. We are colleagues. Which is not realistic because she has Emmy awards and lots of money and she can make anything she wants, but I still see her as my contemporary. I want to sit and discuss themes with her."
Betsy: "Our dogs go to the same doggie day care so I also feel like her contemporary."
"I had a really wonderful English class in high school. The theme of the class was destiny. The books that we read—one was Joseph Campbell’s Interview with Bill Moyers [The Power of Myth] which was a really pivotal one—and we also read Dante’s Inferno and a few other books. But I remember at the end of the class the professor, in his wisdom, had us write an omniscient perspective—what do you imagine you are going to become in your life and now you have to look back and say what was this whole thing. And experiencing your life from the end of the road when here you are in this precious teenage existence.
So I wrote this essay and it ends up as a massive diary entry of teenage folly and emotions, and it was such an amazing experience to think of yourself in that way. Not in an egotistical way, but just to force yourself to confront yourself and really look at yourself with that perspective is really difficult. And it made me think, 'Wow, I can be more than I thought I could be.'”
"You can’t change the world, but you can make aspects of it move in the direction you want to. Through PR you have access to—let’s say if I was a writer for a publication, I’d only be able to write for that publication and my editor would be my boss, but working in PR, I have access to every publication that exists, and can get stories of things that I want in the world out there to shift the whole story. Then I have access to hundreds of millions of people as opposed to the maybe hundreds of thousands that one outlet would have. That’s why you have to be super careful of what you’re putting out there because you don’t want to make something that hurts people."
"There’s something that terrifies most partners about having a partner who they know if they left me, I’ll be totally fine, and perhaps if I left them, they would not be totally fine. That’s an imbalance of power. I also really expect a lot from people. I expect the best from myself, but I also expect the best from other people. Which is unfair because I shouldn’t really hold people to my own personal standards, but I really can’t. I’ve tried to work on it. I was single for four years and in that time I did a lot of work on myself, but that’s one thing I just can’t get past. If I can’t have someone who’s up to my standards then I could just hang out by myself. I don’t need money, I don’t need someone to constantly be with me, I can find sex when I need that, I don’t want to have kids. So I don't really need anything from anybody else. When I have a mate I just need them to pay attention to me. But that’s pretty much it. Pay attention and be thoughtful. You never have to buy anything for me. That’s never necessary."
"I love the internet, I came up on the internet, I came up with internet video. Those are my people, that’s where I tried to make the most change initially. I love editing, I don’t like being on set, I don’t like leaving the house, so doing video mash-ups was really a way for me to use the language of pop culture to talk back to popular culture and make these critiques and little video montages. Remixing Sex and the City, remixing Mad Men. These are shows that I really loved and enjoyed, but I also wanted to be a fan and critic of it at the same time. Taking it apart, putting it back together was not only a great way for me to learn how to edit, but how to convey a critical perspective through video in a way, in a language that people already know and understand which is popular culture.
"I had some dark times with drug and alcohol abuse. There were definitely dark moments where I felt outside of the whole experience. I was left isolated. And that was another thing my wife helped with with—she brought me out of that. Not actively, but through my meeting her it evolved me out of that self-destructive state of mind.
This idea that there’s this source, like a river, and being connected to that, and my biggest fear is being somehow isolated from that or being detached."
"If we all sit back and think about our creative heroes—musically, artistically, painters, sculptors—a lot of them aren’t that happy in their lives and they’re filled with angst and there’s tragedy, and I’m constantly thinking, 'Do I need more tragedy in my life to create the kind of brilliance that I want to leave that legacy?' And then you think, 'Does it matter to van Gogh, now that he’s dead, that he’s a hero to so many people when he was so miserable in his life?' So the big question I have is: Is it better to be creating things that people eventually think are brilliant, but you personally, during your life, are not that happy? Or is it better to be stoked every day and wake up—I know a lot of people who I would describe as smart, but simple…where they’re interesting, they’re good people, but they don’t think about the world as deeply as I do and because of that, I think they’re happier. I have a tremendous amount of envy for them."
"I’ve never had to worry about not being responsible enough or not being driven enough. That’s also why I excel in the kitchen…I respond well to hierarchy. Whether it’s gymnastics or martial arts or whatever, I love learning basics, I love training basics, and doing my very best with those, and then every day you just push harder, faster, better, and things progress naturally that way. The kitchen is the same way. I grew up in restaurants that were chef-owned and I didn’t realize what an impact that would have on me at the time. Being the chef-owner of a restaurant now, I followed suit. It’s a huge sacrifice and a gigantic commitment for sure. That can be very overwhelming and definitely scary, but even then…it’s not smart to not be scared of anything. It’s not smart to not be daunted at times. But at the same time, you shouldn’t let it overwhelm you. That won’t get you anywhere. So I’ve been worried about what’s going to happen, but those times have been when I reminded myself about what’s important and then you, moment by moment, keep on going.
"Nothing’s going to get handed to you. You need to show that you have a talent, first of all, obviously, but the work ethic that goes behind it as well. I worked full-time at a bakery after I graduated college and on my off days, I would come in [to the tattoo shop] and clean because [the shop owner], right off the bat, told me, 'I’m not going to offer you an apprenticeship.' So I did it thinking that it would just be a good experience and she would give me a good recommendation down the road. So after a few months of doing that, she offered me an apprenticeship. And I had no idea that was coming. I was thinking, 'She hates me, she’s not going to give me anything.' I had absolutely zero idea. I cried. "
"Failure is giving up when you shouldn’t give up. You have to know when to give up. There are certain projects that I’ve worked on that I think, 'It’s OK if I don’t finish this, it’s OK if I put this aside. I’ve still learned something even if it’s not done and other people won’t read it.' But if I gave up on something just because it was hard or because I was frustrated with it or if I didn’t give it enough time or focus and then I give up on it, that’s failure. If you work really really hard and something doesn’t work out, you still learn something from it. If you give up or you feel like you failed, but it’s really just because you didn’t give it your all, then that’s failure."
"One thing I realize and I love about collaboration is that you could never do it by yourself. After all the years of doing Stars of the Lid, to be able to again find someone like Dustin—because it’s only been since 2011 when we put out our first record, so it’s in infancy still. But it’s been pretty fruitful and it’s resonated with people. It’s actually been great to find a way to collaborate with someone again at this level. I find it very rewarding. I also find it very easy—every artist says they don’t have an ego, I’m sure I do—but it’s nice to realize this later in life that sometimes you have a belief, 'Oh this song needs to sound like this' but to just trust someone else and to give some of yourself to someone else, it’s kind of romantic in a way. It feels good that sometimes I might not think it was the best idea, but someone feels strongly about it you can say, 'Hey man, let’s follow your lead on this one.'"
"You need to have an appetite for life. You have to say yes to a lot of things and try a lot of things out. And my greatest fear is that I will shut down because I’m afraid of failure and not continue enjoying every day. That sounds scary to me. Struggling with bouts of depression. We have so many things that make us happy—the fear would be the situation where the things that make you happy don’t make you happy any more because you chose something else."
"I had a boyfriend that I was leaving and he kidnapped me. He beat me up and drove me to the north shore of Hawaii and put a gun to my head execution style and told me he was going to kill me. I thought I was going to die. When your life flashes before you—that was before my kids, so it was just life in general. I think now if that happened, my kids would flash first, and friends, family, and just life, just walking down the street. I enjoy just walking down the street and the wind blowing, watching a rose grow out of the ground. Everything is just so much more beautiful after you almost die."
"When I started meeting my baseball heroes, Charlie Hough and Tim Wakefield and Phil Niekro, you could tell that those guys had achieved something that they wanted to achieve and they’re completely at peace as far as the social side of their lives. When you meet them, there’s zero agitation. When you meet some people you can feel there’s an energy drain and they’re tying to prove something or they’re trying to put up an eminence front about something. And I’m, hopefully, going to be like those other guys. And be completely at peace at some point. So that everybody around me can feel that."
"Every relationship has its ups and downs and there have been times when one of us has felt, 'I’m not getting the respect that I deserve out of you. What’s going on here?' So being able to talk through that and have the person on the other end go, 'Oh, you know, you’re right. I’ve been a real jerk about it and here’s what I need to change or else I’m on shaky ground here.'"
"People ask the cliché, what’s the purpose of life? Why am I here? Do I have a set purpose? Maybe I do. But who’s to say my purpose is supposed to be some grand thing. Who’s to say my purpose is supposed to be the Bill Gates Foundation or giving billions of dollars to the world. Whereas there are so many things that happen in our day-to-day that we contribute to, so then I can go down the rabbit hole…what if one day you say thank you to someone—the butterfly effect. You do something that helps someone else and you don’t realize it. I would hope that me living a good life or being a good person…that has some kind of effect on people. So I’m not too worried about what my goal in life is."
"I am still asking myself the reason why there is so much beauty, the reason why we are never indulged, the reason why we are still looking for it, but we are not valuing it. So this is a challenge, a very strong contrast between the acknowledgement of the fact that there is so much beauty, which is difficult to see sometimes, and the fact that it is not valued in the right way."
"I haven’t been playing music a lot lately and that—I didn't realize it at first, but that’s really affected my mental stability and well-being. I’ve been kept busy, but I have on and off depression, so when I’m in a funk, I realize how much I miss music more. It’s so healing and very meditative for me. I can’t go back and change it, but I’d like to go back and try to get back to where I was musically. I just need to get into the right mental place to start it up again."
"I’ve always had a feeling that I was motivated to do more or be some sort of messenger, not in a messianic sort of way, whether it’s through art of whatever. Deep down I’m an extreme sort of person. 'If you believe in this, would you die for it, would you go for it?' If you wouldn’t, then you probably don’t totally believe in it. I’m a big fan of history and everyone in history who has made a change has died for it or they’re in jail for it. Leonard Peltier. He sacrificed his life for it. My fear is when and will I have to make that decision between being just a regular modified artist or messenger in this world or do I go and die for it. That’s my fear."
"I lost my dad when I was seventeen, so it made me realize how much—how important family is. How much of an impact it can have on you. And how important it is to tell your loved ones that you love them and to spend time with them."
"That’s the thing, I still have that voice in my head and I’m fighting that voice every day. The thing is that I realized I could fight the voice. Realizing that it’s just your brain. As humans, we’re just meant to be nomadic and hunt and procreate. We created this great society where we have to keep chasing things. With that comes a lot of stress about success and maintaining and finding your place in the world that we live in. Hearing that voice and telling that voice, 'You’re full of shit.' And it’s always gonna be there."
"I’ve just not really been making time for reading. And with such a strong relationship to feminism for a lot of years and not knowing a lot of history of that and definitely having a limited view of what that is, that’s one topic I've been into. Right now I’m reading feminist sci-fi by Octavia Butler which is totally not a genre that I had any interest in, but I realize that dystopian, feminist, sci-fi version is kind of my jam! That feels like the current, 'I want to spend some time with this and catch up on it because I feel like I haven’t given myself or shown up for.'"
"I was just out drinking all the time and playing the tortured artist. That’s something that, over time, a decade plus, I started to come to terms with. Like, 'I’m not going to get anywhere with my art or my life without turning this corner.' I think there’s this tendency as an artist to go for the Basquiats or the Jim Morrisons or the Kurt Cobains…that’s a really sexy idea, the artist who burned out quickly or released all this great content but then died young. I just realized that I don’t wanna die young."
"I’m probably most proud of some of the long friendships that I’ve been able to keep in my life. And that we help each other grow. That affects my music, so it’s hard to say—if it’s only music, there are so many things that are connected to that. I’m proud to have these 25-year friendships that have been in my life, that we continue to push each other, and help each other grow."
"...when I started exercising, when I started going from a guy that never exercised a day in his life to exercising six days a week, the thing that I always said to myself—and this was the thing that I put on the pillow, the tee shirt, on the inside of the eyelids—working out takes an hour, procrastination takes all day. Somebody might have told it to me, I’m not taking credit for it. But put that in your pipe and smoke it."
"I’m not into the over-protective, helicopter style of parenting. We’re nervous if our three-year-old is out in front of the house unattended because of the street. But we live on a cul-de-sac. We don’t live on a busy street. We’re at the top of the neighborhood in the back, maybe cars pass by like twice an hour or something like that. Yet, we don’t want him to be out there by himself. But at the same time, we’ve taught him not to go in the street."
"I think I’ve been able to use my gifts as an educator to help several people that I’m completely aware of, and probably many more that I’m not aware of, get out of poverty. Yeah, so I think my exuberance for sharing what I know enabled others' lives to greatly benefit. And that’s a profound thing for me."
"Being in love is just a chemical reaction, in my mind. And it feels really great til it wears off. Staying in love is the thing that I have a problem with. I just don’t stay in love with things forever. Except my dogs."
"I’ve been working really hard lately on conquering fear. Anxiety is a terrible thing. Depression is a terrible thing. And it’s something that I know very well. I think music has helped me overcome so many fears. I think that I wouldn’t be here still if I weren’t doing music."
"I try to be as healthy as I can in every phase. I try to eat good and exercise, I do a lot of exercise. I try to pursue spiritual goals and stuff like that. I’m constantly trying to erase blindspots. Try to look at myself in the mirror. Try to get a clearer picture of who I am."
"It reminds me of, ya know, the Pablo Picasso quote, 'The purpose of life is to find your gift and the meaning of life is to give it away.' So that’s my goal is to try to find that gift that I think—I think my gift is kindness because I always got that growing up… 'You’re too nice. You’re too kind.' They almost like put me down for that reason ..."
"Philosophically, my greatest fear is living in fear and not out of love. Ya know, it’s making those decisions every day that come out of fear and knowing when I’m not in alignment. Not being in alignment is my greatest fear. Being fictitious. Suppressing my true nature."
"So that allowed me to be sort of free to just enjoy the experience and be grateful that I was there and my parents were there and we could just celebrate that together as a family. Which was awesome. And it was meaningful for me and it was meaningful for them especially considering that just twelve years before I had a fifty percent chance to live and cancer and everything."
"Witnessing a child being born—your child being born is, ah, yeah it changes you forever, there’s no doubt about that. We went through it twice, we have two girls, and they’re a big part of my life and I love them, and yeah, it’s a pretty easy answer to be honest."
"I was adopted, so I had a family that—for some reason, I just had rage and maybe it was me not knowing who I was or where I come from. And I had let it affect me a lot in my life. So it furthered along with them. To this day I have no relationship but I do hope to one day change that."
"...and in that moment I was like, 'OK. I’m trapped in this car. I see blood everywhere. I can’t move, really.' And I saw my phone had separated from the battery and it was like over there and I was like, 'Ahhhh, crap.' It was like that moment. Of all things that crossed my mind at that point. I would say I’m particularly close with my parents, but at that moment, that’s all I wanted. I was like, 'I wish I could tell my parents I love them right now.'"
"Just trying to be a nice person, I guess. Trying not to do bad things and try to be nice. That’s a pretty big accomplishment in this day, I suppose. There’s a lot of crap out there, so. [I’m] successful, yeah. Successful at being good!"
Meet Cedric.
Who is the most important person in your life?
Hands down it’s my mother. That was my rock and my inspiration. If you follow me on Facebook, you know, you know she passed fourth of July weekend. And, ah, yeah, that was somebody that I could go to. Um, I say my mother. She wasn’t my biological mother, she was actually my grandmother, but she raised me so. I came out here from the east coast on a one way trip by myself on a Greyhound and I met with this lady…and she said she was my mom. And I didn’t find out until about two years later that she actually wasn’t my mom. So at that time I kinda inherited it and, ah…I thought I was going back to the east coast—I thought it was a Christmas trip, but it was a one way ticket. So you think about 1987, you’re five years old, you’re getting on a Greyhound, you’re with a older white lady, you have no idea who she is…she was my confidante on the ride there cuz I was underage. But yeah, that’s how the story is and here I am in California, so definitely the most influential person in my life is definitely my mom.
What's one thing you don't know now, but feel compelled to know?
I think… If I made the right choice and made the right decision as far as—I have a child coming into the world, beginning of next year—if I made the right decision and if my mother gave me the A-OK because she didn’t know I was having a child. So I found out the day before, I was having a child, and she passed. So I never got a chance to tell her. That to me really, really makes me feel like I need answers and I hope that she can give them to me in the form of some type of spiritual realm or through other people. You know affirmations. Or you know, when I see her in the afterlife. So that’s something I gotta know before my time is expired.
What’s one thing you would change about yourself?
Man, I’m flawless. [Laughter] I just feel like you gotta kinda have that air of confidence in almost everything that you do. Even in talking to [president of Cedric’s employer], we were kinda bullshitting one day and he says, “If you’re gonna bullshit, at least do it with confidence.” I think that’s very important. But just like most people, you definitely—I try to limit myself with self-doubt. I think an air of confidence—some people say I’m arrogant, some people say I’m quiet, some people say, you know, you seem like you’re too good. And sometimes I do that really to keep that little voice in my head that says, “You can’t do something or you won’t be able to get to where you at.” I mean, and something related to work, I knew I was gonna have this job two years ago. So it wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. So I have plans for somewhere else two years from now. And I know exactly where I’m gonna be two years from now. You know, so that’s because I feel like it’s almost—I don’t know if you wanna call it divine intervention or just having goals, really, and that’s something that I really hold my hat on. But I’d say self-doubt. Whenever you got that little voice, you’re just like, “Every day is a battle.” Even when you’re in silence by yourself, fears and insecurities may kick in. Sometimes you can look in the mirror and say, “I don’t have this or I’m not here or I’m not there,” but reality is why can’t you be there? What’s the bridge that you need to build in order to connect those two areas of your life to fill that void? Ya know. Just, ya know. It’s just like anybody else, self-doubt sometimes.
How do you define being "in love"?
[Laughs] I don’t know, man! It’s undefined! I feel like… That’s the hardest thing I feel like I deal with personally because I’ve had a lot of trust issues since I was a child with people abandoning me. So that’s kind of been very difficult to connect with people on a “in love” stage. I don’t know if “in love” means romantically or intimately—which I know those are issues I do have with myself. Some people say, “Well you’re kinda either narcissistic or you’ve got borderline personality disorder.” I’ve heard people say that and I just be kinda like, “You know, I don’t know what ‘in love’ is.” I’ve been infatuated with people. I’ve been blinded by experiences. But you know, it’s always that, that premonition that comes in and says, “You know when things aren’t right.” And sometimes you gotta look at those red flags early on and say well, “You already knew what you were getting yourself into.” So I don’t know what “in love” is, but I can say if I can guess… I would say it’s unconditional, it doesn’t have any wrongs, and—when you talk about companionship as far as love, it’s that feeling, I believe, when you feel like you cannot live without that person. That’s what “in love” to me is. But have I experienced it? I don’t know. I think at this stage of my life I’m more kind of in love with myself.
What will you miss the most when you’re gone?
What I would miss the most when I’m gone is, I feel like, the ability to interact with others. As far as helping people, I think my gift on this earth has always been to put other people before myself. Even though I’m very self-centered in my personality and maybe, my, ya know, my mindset sometimes. For the most part I feel like my goal in this life is help others. I’m not gonna say always, but for the most part I’ve put others in front of myself to the point where sometimes I look back and say, people say since I was a child, “Hey man, you gotta take care of yourself before you take care of others.” But I definitely think I’ve been put on this earth to affect and impact others. Everything that I do I try to—outside of day-to-day job—I try to make sure I’m connecting with people and interacting with strangers. That’s kinda—what can I share to help you benefit in your life. What stories can you bring to someone else. That’s definitely something I’m gonna miss.
~~
Cedric and I continued talking for a few minutes after the interview which is a pretty normal part of the process. I generally don’t include those conversations as part of the published interview, but this one felt a little different, so I’m including it here. Note that Cedric and I were co-workers for the same company in Los Angeles at the time.
Cedric: So what are some of your—what’d you say—what are the most significant or important things in your life?
Steve: Oh man. Your last comment is me too. I love helping people. To a point where it’s, like, creepy for some people. [Laughter] Like I’ll be like, “No, I’ll walk you directly to your car.”
C: [Laughs] Right, right right!
S: Just so I know they got there safely. And they’re like, “Nah, that’s weird.” Or just friendliness that’s like unabashed. But people think it’s strange. And I’d rather be strange and helpful than “normal” and a dick.
C: Right, right!
[Laughter]
S: It just doesn’t make sense to me.
C: I feel like it’s always good to be transparent, I mean, even like moments for myself it’s very difficult for me not to talk to strangers. When I first came in here, I can honestly say, you were the first person I think I met.
S: Right on, yeah.
C: Besides in the interview. And you could kinda tell you were a good spirit and a good vibe. And I said, “Ya know what, he’s a nice person. He’s a loving person.”
S: Thanks, man.
C: I don’t know if you believe in spirituality.
S: I do.
C: But I feel like God speaks through you. By your actions and your energy. So you can kinda tell.
S: I think I gave you my list of all the shit you should do in L.A.
C: Right! You did, you did! And that was awesome!
S: Like, I have that. That’s in my phone because I meet people and they don’t know anything about L.A. or haven’t been here in a long time or whatever. And I’m like, “Dude, here’s my list. This is the stuff that I love.”
C: Right, right, right.
S: “So if you like it, Google it, check it out. If you like it great, if not, that’s cool.”
C: I mean, I hate to say it, but every time I see, hear, or drive through Mar Vista, I think about you because, ya know, my family’s from out here, but we never mentioned Mar Vista or Palms.
S: Right?
C: It was Culver City, Venice, the West Side, Santa Monica.
S: Totally!
C: Ya know, “Just don’t go down that street.” That’s all we knew!
[Laughter]
C: That was about it, so… It’s just that commonality, so I’ll be like, “Damn, you know not everybody is as bad or as different as you think they are. Like you say, it’s almost—we’re all pretty much the same. And to me, it’s awkward and heavy for me when I’m not getting to know people. Even [co-worker] behind you. She’s super quiet, but I’m always gonna say her name when I leave out. She’s always there. “Hey, [co-worker], have a nice evening!” You know, she turns around and smiles. Some other people may walk right past her and think she’s not even there, but it’s those significant moments when you can have an impact on somebody’s life just by saying, “Have a good night” or “Good morning.”
S: Exactly.
C: I’ve been in situations where it just has been me! You know what I mean? And it just like, well…where do I go outside of work? And I always had this terrible prejudice that people come to work really for the relativity factor to connect to other humans and it’s just always about connecting the dots with your mind frame and your job, but more so connecting the dots to build a culture that I think is bigger than we’ve ever imagined.
S: Some people’s only social interactions are at work. Some people are very quiet. And so they go home and they do nothing. And they’re home by themselves and they don’t talk to anybody, but here [in the office environment] we have those opportunities. That’s why I like to try to reach out. It’s funny like how new people come to the office and they’re all supposed to meet on the 18th floor in front of the elevators. And every morning I’m the guy who happens to—I’m like, “Hello!” And there’s like two people like, “We don’t know what to do.” And I’m like, “I gotcha.”
[Laughter]
S: And I walk them to their cube and talk to them and tell 'em it’s cool.
C: [Laughs] So you’re like the welcome committee!
S: By accident! [Laughs] It happens so much. [Two recent co-workers] started on the same day and I was like, “I have never met either of you. You are probably coming to work here.” “Yes, we don’t know anything.” “Come with me!” And then I’ll walk them downstairs if I have to, I’ll walk them to their cubes, or to their manager and be like, “Here ya go!”
C: [Laughs] Right!
S: And then every time they see me, “Hey! You were the first person I met!” And I love that! I love it! It’s great!
C: That’s how it’s supposed to be! Ya know, good vibes.
"But [my brother and I are] always pretty close, so I appreciate that cuz as you move through life and things change and relationships change and things happen, it’s easy to focus on things outside of the family. He’s the only family I have. No mom, no dad, no relatives. We’re just two guys in the world."
"So I think the most emotional pain is after losing people you love. So a loss, an experience of loss. I lost my brother. So it was I think the most, probably…not probably, it was the most painful experience I had."
"Probably the loss of my oldest son. Losing a wife to cancer, of almost thirty-seven years, was a pain, but losing your child when it was totally unexpected just really hurt."
"I immerse myself in the stories of everything, it’s just yeah, ever since I was little I was devouring books when I was younger, like, ya know, just… I learnt more by reading books than I ever did in school."
"I was very naive and very passionate about things that I wanna do in life and all things like that. And also very trustful to other people. So I trusted a lot to other people. I just gave them—well, I was open hearted, completely."
"And the children are now nineteen and seventeen year old daughters are, they’re fine. They don’t care what their mother thinks. I still see them on a regular basis. But the sixteen year old son and an eleven year old daughter that don’t see me as often because they don’t want to upset their mother. Because she makes life so difficult [for them]."
"...if you get a text at the very beginning and you start smiling, or if you think of him and start smiling and have a strange- a good feeling in your tummy and you, you’re just happy and, ah, think of that person the whole time and ah, I think that’s when you’re in love. [Laughs] So yeah, just stupid stuff that makes you smile and feel happy and feel good."
"This is gonna sound really weird, but I’m really interested in, like, astronomy and stuff like that. So, like, before I die I really wanna just understand everything that I can about how stars are formed and made and, like, black holes and stuff like that. I don’t know why; that’s the first thing that came to my head. I should’ve said motherhood or something like that. [Laughs]"
"I truly enjoy someone that understands me and takes me for all the good and the bad and still can smile at me even after they want to punch me in the face. [Laughs] Still wake up the next day and say I love you. It wasn’t easy. It was a path I never would’ve imagined."